The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #382 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Date: May 24, 2016

Jessimae Peluso, Comedian and host of the "Sharp Tongue Podcast" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get $20 off of your first order of wine curated just for you   
Recorded live on 05/23/2016.
    

Six in the morning. So what you want to do? What you want to do. I got a pockets full of rubbers in my home boys. Do too. So crack out the lights and close the door. But for what? We don't know no those.

Does that feel good? I got to put a drops in my ear tomorrow. My ear's swelling up. This show is brought to you by ClubW. That's right. Go to ClubW.com slash Joey right now to get $20 off of your first order. That's clubbw.com slash Joey

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you're going to get $20 off of your first order and ClubW is going to pay for your shipping. Go to Onit.com and use co-word church to save 10% on all the great optimization products like Alpha Brain, Numu, Troom Tech, Immune, and Trum Tech Sport. Oh shit. Give me some bubble gum in this motherfucker. It's Monday, May 22nd or something like that.

Wash your pussy, scrub your feet. Jesus is coming to town, motherfuckers. Ghesomeo's here. Yeah, I wash you. my feet and I wash my push. Oh shit. Oh shit. Yeah, shit like every single day.

May I kick a little something. What? Oh shit. Break it down, bitches. What? What? Oh shit. Still jumping because my mama ain't home.

I got bitches in the living room. Getting it on and they ain't leaving until six in the morning. So what you want to do? Shit, I got a pocket full of ruffers and my home boys do too. The church of what's happening now. What? But what? We don't love.

them hoes yeah so we don't smoke a ounce to that jeez up hose down with your motherfuckers what this is it motherfuckers kick that me only got me got me some get me some sycambe everybody got their cups but they ain't check that pipe out bitches it's that time the church of what's happened now you bad motherfuckers it's a beautiful monday night to be alive Jessime Paluso in studio, my favorite fucking Jewish person in the world, Lee Syatt. Hey. Mushrooms, edibles. We don't give a fuck here on the church. What's the story? Ghesemay, talk to me. I'm just looking at how fresh and green this shit looks in your bowl. Oh, this is tremendous, tremendous reef. It looks like a golf, like a golf course.

Yeah, no, this is some tremendous motherfucking weed. One thing here, I take my weed seriously. Yeah, where you said you stopped over where? Perennial. Oh, that's right. Perennial. Perennial got some good. I get to the thing. The top shelf, shit, I go in there. The two top shelfers, they give you to you and the glass tubes.

Yeah, that's nice. And they have everything else, and they have everything else. They got a nice weed there. I go there. I go to Sunset Herbal. They got some fucking good-looking reefer there, dog. Oh, my God.

I took some Girl Scout thin mint. Cookies? Oh, shit. I love edibles. No, no, no. This was Rifa. Oh, shit. That was fucking dark.

Oh, it was called Thin Girl Scout Thin. I'm like, I love cookies. They got Mickey Mouse that's kicking. And they got fucking. an exclusive that's kicking. Then you're fucking around or whatever. I do love edibles, though. You like edibles?

Come on. My middle name is fucking edible. Is it your brunch? Yeah, I got a brownie here. I don't know how old it is. I don't fuck you up. It'll take you into the next dimension. It's amazing the edible,

what's happened with edibles. Like how many fucking people come up to me and they go, you know what? I stop smoking. Yeah. I'm saving my lungs. I'm just going to fucking eat edibles. It took me a while to get adjusted to them,

you know, because it gave you a weird. feeling it creeps up on you weird yeah it's like a fuzzy feeling i like it's like someone just asked me someone said they were new to edible to it was to marijuana and they said well what strains do you smoke and i said honestly just start just do edibles i per i love it i like it way better unless it's like i want to be high for 30 minutes yeah and edible's like that high is a full body full body high it fucks you up for a while it fucks you up this time as i catch myself in the liver I'm fucking hammond.

Hammer. And my wife knows I'm fucking hammered in the room. Like, point the drooling. Like, she's telling me, Joe, go to bed. Joe, go to bed. And I'm a hammered. It feels good, though. And you wake up in the middle of night, you still have to pee.

That's the fucking clinker. Sometimes you wake up. Middle of the night. What about the next morning? The next morning. And for me, it doesn't hit right away. Like, if I'm in bed, I'm okay. But then as soon as I start walking around, I'm like, wait a second.

I've heard you even sound fucked up until about 10 or a little. I could tell like we do like eight nine hundred milligrams because you have to sweat it out the next day It's like yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. It's like eating a valium in the old day somebody go all eat a 10 milligram value You eat a value the next day and a half you're sluggish. Yeah, because it's time release so it sits in your fat like a lot of times I'll eat a valium at night and I'll go to bed at three I'll wake up at eight on the road go eat breakfast go eat the hotel breakfast smoke a joint going on a computer and pass out of 10. Yeah. And I'm still off the fumes.

He's still got some resonating stuff. Once you kick that motherfucking coffee in there with a little tutelutz, it lifts that fucking deets. It lifts up that fucking reefer right back to where it is. I was high in the plane like two days ago because I had edible the night before to help me go to sleep and just chill. And on the flight, I was messed up, man. I was just, this lady, I travel with my dogs, right?

And I sat down at the bar in the hotel I was coming from where the fuck was I North Carolina So you're at the Healyam and North Carolina? No, no, I was at the Comedy Zone, North Carolina Comedy Zone. Great club. Great club. Yeah, they want you.

But they've been asking for you. Yeah. And I was sitting at the airport bar And this lady made me sit at the at the disabled chairs because I had my dog with me. I was like, it's an emotional support pet. She's, you've got to sit in the handicapped chairs.

She made me sit in the handicapped chairs and I was high off these edibles I was like, yo, am I handicapped right now? She made you change your seat? She made me change my, and it was four feet lower than the bar stools. So I literally got sat at the fucking kids table at the bar in order to big ass beer and some oysters like a goddamn lady sitting at the disabled person's chair. Just because you had a dog? Just because I had a dog.

Where my disabled person because I have a dog? Yeah, that fucked up at airports now. I'll tell you, Chicago scared the shit on the media day, guys. Why? Really? I'm no swami, but something's going to happen in Chicago. Why do you think that? I'll tell you why, because for some reason they've been showing those TSA lines, how they've been letting people spend the night.

Okay, that's number one. I don't like that. They're letting people spend the night. They're letting people now, if you're flying to Chicago and big airports, three hours, I might as well not fly. I could walk there. The three and the four flight and the fucking hour to land and get my luggage and get the taxi. Ten hours.

It's ten fucking hours. If I start walking, I might be. it. So you had that flew into Chicago to connect into Pittsburgh and I know there's something. I fly a lot through Kennedy. Yeah. And I fly a lot to Chicago and I can make this assessment. Chicago was fucking packed. Which one? O'Hara Midway. Oh, Harrow was back. And it's never good. It needs to be good when it's packed, but it never is. I don't like it. I didn't like it. Back to the amount that every food place, I mean, I had a walk like, you know, when you go to Chicago, you better be in shape. That airport is fucking something.

It's like an artery. So I landed at 11 and my flight was boarding at 1135. And as I walked in, I got there like five minutes earlier, I let us off the plane. I walked 30 minutes straight. I didn't stop to eat. I didn't stop to pee. I walked 30 minutes fucking straight. To where you had to go.

To where I had to go. As I was getting there, I'd go, we're bored in three minutes. I cut right through the fucking line and got in the plane. But I noticed how packed the airport. And were there a lot of cancellations? Or this is just fucking O'Hara. This is O'Hara on Thursday. It's chaotic there.

But this was more than chaotic. There was a line at the Italian restaurant. I've been going to Chicago O'Hara for 12 years. I saw a fucking line at McDonald's. Now you go, Joey, yeah. No, no, no. This wasn't a line. This is people that couldn't get food anywhere else.

Yes. This was the Starbucks was down the block. It was super packed, guys. Was it like Burger King at L.A.? You know that Burger King with like Jeb Blue and Virgin? Yeah. It's always like way down. And it was that bad?

It was bad. It was bad, bad, bad, bad. That's not good. That's not good. And the TSA, you know, like last year, 95% of shit got through. 95% of them testing the TSA security got through. Last week I had a bag of weed in my fucking carry on. What was happening was I had two or three different weeds and I'm rolling joints over here.

And one of the baggies fell off into my fucking carry-on bag. bag. I put my computer over it. I walked through the fucking thing. No, better yet, they took my sleep apnea machine out. Checked it for fucking illegal fuels. But they left the weed in there, the vapor pen, the lighter. Yes, they did. Because they tell you, no lighters,

no vapor pens. They went through everything. You can't bring a lighter on? No. And the vapor pens, they look like regular pens. So they're so stupid, they just take the pens out and look at them and don't even ask you. I think all they look for is water bottles. Because every time I get something like that, I'll get stopped, Look, toothpaste or if I forget like that, I'll get stopped. But you're not, you travel every week with stuff.

I have stuff on me every week. Right. I don't check. I don't want to bring my look at. The worst habit we got is bringing shit on a fucking plane. Because at the end of the week, they're going to make you check out the fucking thing anyway. Yeah. They make you check it anyway.

So stop. So you just check it for free. Yeah, they see it smarter because you check it at the gate and it's free. Oh, that's right. But then you got to wait for your luggage to get that. When you come back. But who gives the fuck? You're sitting in coach.

But the time you get in there, your fucking luggage is ready. So at least if you check it, but these people that bring their luggage in, for what? For what? For what? To take up fucking space? Yeah, what do you mean? Unless you're going to, see, I'm dog. I always got upgraded to first class, especially after the last three years of Justin.

Hello. So, I board the front plane first. Yeah, me too, brother. I don't give a fuck what's going on. Bye, lady with the kids. I don't give a fuck what's going on. I board that plane first. Get comfortable.

And I always sit in one day. you walk in that seat that you see that's where I see. That little compartment, that's mine. Don't touch it. You don't need to touch it. You don't need to put your luggage in there. Listen to me.

That's a $3,000 sleep apnea machine in there. You touch that motherfucking embrace. I will break your fucking head. Don't even touch that fucking thing. It's $3,000? Well, yeah, I don't give a fuck. What are they? You saying that to people?

Yeah, I tell them one. There's no reason for you to touch that luggage. That's a little luggage for a little compartment. Yeah. And they look at me all weird. You know what? I did my homework and I got on the plane first. Yeah

So now I don't get like I'm somebody Came on yesterday I got no compartment She looked at me I'm like depth I don't know nothing I just kept looking straight ahead

You ain't putting your shit in there I put a fucking blanket over it So it looked like there was more shit in that Yeah That bitch had to put her shit in the back Fuck it This is what happened You want to be first clear

Get the fuck to the plane first I check that boarding time That boarding time is my fucking Bible Yeah And everything around that boarding time Is fucking it Last week I went to L-AX my plane leaves at five

my boarding time is at 4.30. Lee, how much do I love the hamburgers with the egg and the fucking fries? You're a big fan of them. The guy told me to put the order in at 420, he'd be in at 430. I sacrificed. I didn't eat that fucking burger with the egg on it

because I wanted my seat first. So there's no mess understanding. I love traveling with you because I don't get upgraded because I don't travel that often. But he just takes me into the lines. He's like, just, what are they going to say? It's the attitude.

You have to have that attitude. Yeah, the attitude. And then he just, he starts sweet talking the, like the TSA, the pre ones, like the ones who were checking your ID before. He just, oh, it's, it's. I torment. You do? What do you do? What do you do?

You're looking good today. What's going on? You just bullshit. You do your little charm? Yeah. So you talk to them a little bit and they loosen up and talk to you. Yeah. Listen, not everybody's going to talk to you. Not everybody's going to appreciate your sense of humor. But at that time of the morning, you gotta give it a shot.

I tell you know who likes shit? Who? Black chicks. Yeah, the chicks like the compliments, right? I work them all the time. I'd call them Beyonce, you bad motherfucker you, look at you. I should take you with me to LA. LA, LA.

I never been to LA, yeah, come on, let's go. And meanwhile, you got fucking 10 bombs and a kid in the suitcase. And you do this so you can get in the preferred line? You got some kid yelling and screaming in your suitcase and they don't hear nothing because you're just talking to them. You got some kid in your carry-on. Yeah, who gives a fuck? They're talking to you and shit.

You know, when you fly, you have to fly as is. You have to assume as you have a million dollars in your pocket. If you see a dog, when I see dog and I have weed, I walk up to the dog. You do? Yeah, because even if the dog barks at me, they're not going to believe it. A drug offender would walk away from the dog. I walked towards the fucking dog. Yeah, last night I smoked 15 joints over.

It's like, go, go, go, go. Meanwhile, you got 10 joints in your fucking carry-on bag. You know what I'm saying? I always have a joint in my check luggage. I usually do too. Right in the top with a fucking lighter. So when I get to parking where the car's warming up, I'm too-suit to the joint. Chinese people pull up.

Are you leaving? Not really. Chinese people always pull up at fucking L.A.X. Are you leaving? Do I look like I'm fucking leaving? I'm here smoking in the sun like Ozzy Osbourne in 69. And you want to know if I'm fucking leaving. Do I look like I'm fucking leaving?

Has anyone ever stolen it? Like any TSA people? Never. I put in the top compartment with band-aids. There's a bunch of shit in there. And I flipped a joint. underneath. You got tuck it in. I tuck it in. Tuck them motherfucker in.

You can't find it unless you fucking watch it takes a thief. Nineteen 69 with Robert Wagner. You can't find it. You can't find it. You got to have that smooth placement. And then I have the lighter and the thing. So if they find the lighter, I'll say, you told me not to fly with lighters. So when I get off the thing, the first thing I do, I'm on the elevator going up the stairs to the route and the floor number three

is I unzip it. Boom. And there's my little pin joint. I take the ladder out. When I get off the airplane, when I get off the fucking elevator, Click, click the alarm in the car. I walk to it. I start the car. I put my luggage in it right while I'm out there.

Nine of that ten, I take my dick out, and I pee. I leave the door open. I may believe I'm helping my luggage and help. Get in here. But meanwhile, the whole time I'm peeing on the guy's car next to me. I close the door. I light that fucking tutu-truths. And Chinese people start pulling up.

Are you leaving? Do I look like I'm leaving? Chinese people. Chinese people always look. And they'll wait, too. Oh, no way. I can make them wait for a now. They'll pull out like a Suduco and wait.

Pull over there and I'm going to leave here in about 18 minutes and don't wait like the entire time you smelled the joint My parking is classic see because I park at four in the morning On Thursday To get front I'm 10 feet from the fucking elevator Like a doctor you leave your car there the whole time you're on the road right there right? Right there cheaper than taxi Does it matter? Yeah, it doesn't matter

Doesn't matter It doesn't matter at the end of the week It's a same shit It's 80 fucking dollars you're right So 80 and 80 is 160 the parking is 109 Oh my God Right in the fucking terminal cross. Are you serious?

Not the fucking one with the bus with the spots on it. And I got to wait with a bunch of immigrants and get on the thing. The guy's got a turban. I don't know if he's going to blow up the fucking bus. That's the one I wait for. Yeah, this fucking gamo. And then you got to go all the way to subpoverda. Yeah.

And they, do you want to watch the car? Listen, I want my car with pigeon shit. Okay, give me the fucking car. I just want to get home. I'm playing for eight hours. My hemorrholy blew up. And you want to know if I want to wash my car. I parked right in four, terminal four.

is American Terminal 6 is Delta Terminal 3 is Virgin American Their terminal 1 is Southwest Yeah That's it That's all you need to know That's all you need to know I do Delta

If you fly out If you land at that airport After 6 you're gonna be driving around Like a fucking idiot looking for parking So if your flights at fucking 5 You gotta be there at 4 I'm lurking at 20 to 4 No one's there

You're gonna change your way I travel You pull right in Does that sound happen? No Listen to You piss again and you cross the street under that tunnel. There's nobody there. You can run across the street with the light green.

I'm going to do that. Nobody there. You get on the escalator. It takes you right to ticket. No bullshit. Boom. You go in. First class, boom.

No lines. You turn around. There's a black lady who looks like Barry White. That's me. You go up to her. You go, what's happening? You sexy motherfucker. What's up, darling?

Boom. Right upstairs. Pre-TSA. They know I'm a fucking fiend. They know I'm a felon. When I fly out of the airports, I don't get to pre-TSA. But L-AX. pre-TSA don't open up to 20.

I got that. Don't open up to 20 after 4, though. Fucking bullshit. But if you have a 5 a.m. flight, you got 10 minutes, but you're still going on the other line, and you still get to your terminal by 4.15. Now they've got a place over an LAX. It's not open for fucking, the burgers are not open. That's the only place I eat from the burger.

Isn't it 5 a.m.? Oh, my God. With the egg. The burger with the egg? And steak fries. I think I know what you're talking about. It's right next to the goal you drive. Yes.

Off the terminal number 42, 43, 46. That's the only place. But when you flatter south west in LAX terminal, oh. They got the Mexican trying with the bar, the margaritas, the whole fucking thing. You get a margarita? No, but I sit next to the person drinking the margaritas. I look important. I'm not an asshole.

Delta's got a spot where I always see Mazja Brani. And that's the place that you go through and they got oatmeal and they got the whole thing. They got the juices. Watermelon, Apple, watermelon, lemonade, water. That's a good one. That's a good one because it's healthy. Healthy, locks, bagels, yeah. I love locks and bagels.

Yeah, healthy, healthy. And you drop the small 20, but you don't have to eat that shit on the plane. You don't have to touch a peanut. Oh, God, the plain food, man. You drop the small 20 like a gentleman, and you don't have to do nothing after that. You get the bowl of oatmeal. Old meal always holds you long than anything else, and you get a locks with a bagel. You get a lot of bread.

watermelon juice. Bam, who's better than you, Lisa? Have you guys ever gotten caught with the weed? Or no? Never. Don't jinx us. Right. What the fuck? Allegedly.

What would you do? If what? If you got caught with the weed? I shut my mouth and let them fucking say whatever they had to say, and then I move on with my life. They'd bust my balls and put the medical marijuana. I want a license. I tell them I'm hearing voices.

You know, you got to learn how to work the airport. Like, when I went with Ari one time, when you fly to Kennedy, Kennedy's got a stupid thing. Kennedy will go, what times you're flying, Miss Paluso, 6 a.m. We're not letting you through. But the airport said an hour before, yeah, but we're not letting you through.

There's people that are flying out of the court of the sixth that are more important than you. So I'll leave you behind the thing. That's when I walk up to the lady, and they go, listen, I got high blood pressure. I got HIV. You just start dropping. HIV and high blood pressure.

Everything. Just start dropping. I got an anal warts. I got anal warts. I got a foot. Rickets. I got rickets. Scurvy.

Scurvy. Lupus. Lupus. Just drop, drop it. Start name dropping. So what happens and go, I'll pass out right here in the line. They will fucking treat you like you are gold because that's the last thing they want. They don't want somebody dying.

Especially black people. They're lazy. They don't want to file a down 911. She don't want to dial. I don't care if you see a Chinese or white dude. You see a black mother. fucking black people don't give other people mouth to mouth. You'll never see a picture

of a black person giving them out to mouth. They don't believe in it. I don't believe in it either. If you're choking, fuck, I don't know who you are. I don't know how many dicks you suck last night. I'm going to be able to save your life. Then I get herpes for saving the life. You know what I'm saying? Fuck you. You're not worth the herpes. Next thing I'm getting the metal with a saw

on my lip. You know what I'm saying? And the male won't shake my hand because it's dripping. Yeah. So, fuck that noise. I'm not, I'm not black people will not give nobody mouth to mouth. I've seen it. I've seen people dying for the black people. They just sit, they go, my lord, that's it.

That's all they do. They don't give a fuck about mouth to mouth. Take a survey amongst black people behind closed doors with no face and see what they say. Fuck that noise. I ain't sticking my tongue in some motherfuckers mouth to save his damn life. Especially if you had just eaten some like busted sandwich

before and the crumbs are all on us mouth. See now we're going to, I choked in Vegas with Lisa. I had. I got high and ate a whole prawn from the fucking shrimp box. A whole prawn? Oh, like a savage. You choked out a prawn? Oh, my God.

It got stuck. I was fucking pipe. I started getting anxiety. I was seeing stars. I don't know what came out yet. Did you cough it up? Yeah. I had to do the humlick.

You did? Yeah. You knew how to do the hemlik? You came back? Who don't know how to do the hemlick? You got to be retarded. I feel like I'd break a rib. Give me some crud.

At least my little ass noodle arms. I'd crack a rib on accident. Oh, who gives a fuck? At least you save a life. You saved his life. You saved his life? Yes. How have you repaid him?

That's my love of them. All these edibles. All these edibles. He repaid you're in animals. I give him mushrooms and shit. Fuck yeah. You get tired. What if you put the prawn there in purpose so that you could be the hero?

I think he did. I'm Jewish. I put a prong there. It's actually interesting that you brought it up because I was thinking today, like someone was complaining about their boring job. And I was thinking about it. I was like, I haven't been bored at work in, what, three years now, four years, however long I've been doing this full time. You've never been bored.

Fuck no why would I why would I be bored here? No and it's like It's crazy how like it it kill almost it's almost like depression when you're bored like for eight nine ten hours a day Like how was it like it got me so fucking depressed And I was like you I mean you guys get to go You were not complaining but there's there's always shitty parts about every job But I don't think you're ever I I don't think Joey's ever bored on stage I never get bored here's the problem there's stress again if we let looker if the IRS comes to you tomorrow and says you owe me $200,000 then you call your age and you go you know

what I'm on the road every fucking week yeah and two things are gonna happen you're gonna improve but you're gonna get sick you know you'll irritable you'll get irritable when once you pay the IRS you'll never work comedy again you'll be so burnt out yep I like to work And I'll tell you, you have no idea how fortunate we are to do what we do. If you really break it down, if you really, if you get up at 6 in the morning and just go to a 7-Eleven and just sit there get coffee and sit in your car and smoke a joint, you'll see how lucky we are that we doing what we're doing, okay, whether it's your dream or not, because there's people that really are busting their ass for no money. For fucking pennies. And it breaks your heart. But you made a decision and you suffered also.

I lived in a car, you know, I had warrants. I couldn't pick up the phone because I owed everybody. I go to comedy clubs and they go, somebody called for you. I knew it was a collector because they look at what pages now. You know, they'll look at a web page now. I had a friend that was wanted by the IRS. By the time he got to every club, his money, they already told them. They wanted me to tell them what I was paying you, and they already took the money out.

Oh, my God. That's just crazy. In comedy, it does not fuck around. There's no insurance people on the road. There's really nothing. So the tide flips are one day you have the ability. You know, you're not going to have it for long. In comedy, you don't have that big window for long.

That's why you have to do all the opportunities. For some people, it can be seven years. For some people, it can be three years. It depends on the depth of your comedy and how good you are as a comedian, how you're able to adapt. There's just so many fucking variables. But I know this. I did an eight-weeker, a lad.

year. Jesus. That by the end. You're a different person. You're a different person. You look at stand-up in a different way. And I always tell this to people that I wish I never made a dollar doing this. Like if I had another chance to do this, the best advice is somebody could have came up to me and said,

listen, do me a favor. Don't think about that shit. Keep coming down here every week. Do your 10 spots. We'll emce you. And if you definitely don't want to leave and that shit, this becomes more fun for you. You know, there was, I had fun in 1982 and 1981, 1980, and getting drugs and giggling and robbing people with my friends in Northburg.

And then I left in 83 and I didn't have fun again for a long time. And there's times now and I'm like, look how bored of a life I live. But if I really look at my life, I look at that time I spent in Seattle and Denver. You know, Denver not as much because, like I got thrown out of Denver, that comedy scene. Why? Because I had a Denver at the time was very limited and the comics worked a certain amount of work. Anybody who worked out of that loop, they really didn't like. Wow.

Like a certain room or what do you mean? So in those days, you work triple runs. You worked the guy out of Dallas, his one-nighters. You worked Kansas City Stanford's. and you worked there's four clubs in Denver you worked there was rooms you worked

if you worked like the funny Bonona Idaho or San Francisco you were considered weird they had their own little circle and then at the comedy works I got accused of sexual harassment from some girl that jumped on me and I went to grab her

and the manager saw me grab her ass which when she jumped on me I grabbed her ass because she landed I mean if you go to the comedy works it's on a slantly it's little stairs so she ran down and goes, oh, look who it is. And she jumped.

I knew the girl. I knew the girl. Well, but the manager contacted the next day. The manager and me were at the same point of comedy. We were getting star spots. The manager is doing stand-up? Yeah, like the assistant manager. And he called her the next day and said, I think you should press charges. She contacted an attorney, but there was no charges to press nothing.

I mean, the girl was my friend. She even called me afterward and apologized. She felt bad, but she goes, the guy made her do it. And at that time, you know what? I was looking to leave. It was an excuse. It was perfect. But my time in Seattle, that 18 months, even though I got arrested five times.

It's good ratio. That's good math. Oh, my God. Even though I got arrested five times and I spent maybe six weeks, seven weeks in jail in the county, King County Jail. It was one of the most. My fucking niece. You're blazing on. It was one of the, uh, compared to how I grew up and where I grew up, this was one of the most enjoyable times in my life.

Even though I lived in an office, I took showers at the gym. They had a, at the end of the office, they had a window like that, a bathroom like this. Yeah. No, no. They didn't even have a bathroom. They had one that washes your hands, but they would lock it at night. So at night, I'd have to pee out my window and shit out my window. If I wanted to shit out of the window, stick my ass out the window like this and put the window on my back so I wouldn't fall backwards.

Fucking tremendous. You can't write this shit out of a window? Shit out of the window. In an office. In an office. and wipe my ass and throw the toilet paper off the window in the bucket and then take it to the bathroom. That sounds very, like, you're acrobatic. This is, this was, it was amazing.

Does anyone come up to your office and be like, someone's shitting outside? No. Yeah, where'd that shit go? Nothing. How far up were you? Who knows? Two floors. And did you ever go down and see like shit streaks in the window?

I looked through the window one time and there was like, you can see where all the shit had landed was dehydrating. There was like skeletons or shit It was like Skeleton shit yard Well they can't all be They're not all solid If I wipe my ass There was a big chunk of shit

I'd throw it out the window But if it was just a little bit of shit I'd throw it in the waste paper basket It's just a horrible way to live But You ever shard out the window and like Just spray up the building? No no no

It was all shits there and peas I'd puke from doing coke In that office I had A table With a blanket on the floor And I slept on the blanket on the blanket on the floor and under the table was my luggage. That was it.

That was it. And I had a 1-800 number so people could call me. I ran a sports betting. And I had a regular phone that I could call out with long distance. That's it. There was no pictures on the wall. And you're doing comedy then. And I was doing comedy two blocks away at the underground.

And downstairs Josh Wolf ran the bar. Joshua. I love Josh. El Loco. Brody Stevens was living up there with his mother. Oh, my God. Yeah. So it was a fun.

But one of my highlight memories was doing the Seattle Comedy competition and Sunday getting free tickets to a Seattle Seahawk game. I forget again too. But here's 15 comics that have been competing against each other. Now we're all sitting together, smoking pot, eating hot dogs, talking shit. And I remember sitting there making a note that no matter what happens with comedy, at least I got this from comedy at one time in my life. You know, it was so much fun, that camaraderie. It's important to remember those little-ass moments, man. All that shit's so fleeting, you know?

It's, especially now, it's like everything's so fast. Everything goes so fast because news is constantly being shoved in our face with social media and all this updating and posts. It feels like moments are going by faster than they did before, doesn't it? Well, when you get older, I mean, listen, it was Christmas. Yeah. Two weeks ago. Right.

It was fucking Christmas. That goes by so fucking fast. Especially of a kid. Everything's in like these little digestible moments. It's important to hang on to those like times when you feel that it's the best. Well, between you and I have held on to good times. Or in my mind, there haven't been many like in my mind. But I also held out to bad times.

So I knew how good the good times tasted. You know what I'm saying? Perspective. The good times tasted fucking good. Yeah. Sometimes you work at club or some and they put you in this big hotel. Yeah. And you lay on the bed and Lee comes up and says, look at this place.

And when Lee leaves, I go, you know, yeah, look at this place. But I wish Lee would have seen the place I lived in the office. Yeah, more so. And Lee would have seen when I lived in Boulder and started comedy or when I fucking lived in a car on sunset. And I'd have to move it because if not at 4 a.m. They'd tow it. So I always had to park on those side streets on Sunset Boulevard. You think of those times.

And even in that fucking car, I used to have great times. I would jerk off in that car right on sunset, right on the side of the vista there. Good for you. I'd do coke, jerk off in the car. People would pass by. I'd make believe I was sleeping and shit. I'd have the car running with the air on and the sunroof opens. I'd look at the stars.

You know what I'm saying? How fucking crazy. So when you have those good times, you think of those times in the car. And you need that shit. I think of a time in Idaho when I was coming home from a midnight triple run. And I fucking was drinking mountain dews. Oh, God. And inhaling fucking.

in no zone. No doze. No dose. That shit almost gave me a heart attack. Holy shit. That stuff is no joke. I got pulled over in New Mexico. I was doing 90 in a station wagon.

From no dose? No dose in the, what's the, what's the gnaws? Like the grapefruit energy drink? Whatever that is? Oh, my God. The cop asked if I had military training and I was chubber than I was now in fucking a fucking station wagon.

I was like, no. Why do you ask you have military training? Because I was shaking on this. No dolls will make your heart explode. That shit's terrible. Because the idiot that I was, I wouldn't get like a nice light breakfast to drive across the country. I got like fucking McMuffins or something. So 20 minutes into the drive, I was falling asleep.

So I'd always stop and get like the no dose and the noce. And I was apparently just going. People usually calm down after a certain point. You're just shaking. I have to ask. Do you have any military pack? I was like, no. But you was shaking because of the caffeine.

And you were scared. Yes. You're a sweetheart of a guy. You were scared and caffeinated. I was petrified. I thought about running because I had planned that... You thought he could have gotten far on that. I think I could have.

Because I planned at the next exit I was going to stop taking it for lunch. And I saw him. He was right in the middle, like in the middle of nowhere. The highways don't even have like rails. They just have like a ditch. Yeah. So he was in the ditch. And as soon as I passed him, I was like, fuck.

But he had to turn around. And there was an exit right there. I was like, maybe I'll take the exit. I was just like, I don't want to go to jail trying to run into Mexico. You know, I got pulled over once. I was going, I was like 75 and a 50, and the dude pulled me over,

and before he could ask for my, he's used his license and registration. I was like, I'm going to get it for you, but I just want you to know, I just got my period and it bled through his seat. My dad's going to kill me because it was like tan seats. I was like, my dad's going to kill me Sicilian. He likes to keep the car nice and mint.

You know, I'm going to get yelled at when I get home, so I was just pulling off to get a tan pie. That's why I was going so fast. And he just looked at me so disgusted. He was like, just go. Just get out of my face. He was so gross. Yeah, because he doesn't want to fuck now either.

He was like, what? Unless he's a fucking perver. You know what? Let me smell the seats. Let me smell the seats, you filthy fucking animal. Let me smell that hemoglobin. Let me smell that bandaid. Now, where did you start comedy or you got into the girl code first?

Break it down for me. I. Where are you from originally? Syracuse, New York. By the mall? Yeah. By the mall. Yeah.

Have you did the funny bone? I used to do wise guys Back in the day With Bruno Sharpa Fuck Bruno who would do your jokes the week later This guy was a was a P-O-W

I tell you A piece of work And Joe Yeah The lion Yes So Bruno owned the club And Joe DeLine was the house

MC magician Yes And that club was brutal Brutal Down with town You wake up on Saturday Oh, nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing to eat. And I had like a history in Syracuse. Why? Well known to love magicians. Because, no, I had a... What happened was...

What happened was that I went to Bruno Sharip. I just got here in L.A. in 98. And the guy I was with books me. Wise guys. Yeah. Bruno Sharip. I go up there fucking ripped the week apart.

The headline is complaining. It's a beat room, man. I'm not the comedy store every night going 20. It's not even fair. Yeah. The feature cancels. So he asks me, he goes,

you just want to spend the week. I said, fuck yeah. So he takes me to his house. This one even still married. He feeds me. I mean his wife, his kids,

great Italian family. This is DeLion or Bruno? This is Bruno. He's a black belt in Taekwondo. Yeah, he's nuts. He's nuts. He's got a fucking karate studio. By that point, I was 350 pounds.

$3.25, and he would take me to do karate. He would try to teach me how to eat right. So, wait. Had you been losing weight? No. Bruno's like, you've got to stop this lifestyle. Oh, it's way before that. He's like, you got to stop drinking fruit juice and sodas.

He goes, I watch you. You drink a gallon of pineapple juice the other night in my bar. Bruno was a solid dude. But then he got in trouble for robbing money from the casino Tuesday nights. And then the club closed. and then the lion took it over. But by the time the lion took it over, it was called Viva Debris.

Yes, Viva Debris. Oh, my God, I remember that when I was a kid. Viva fucking DeBrie. That's so crazy. And he was, in reality, Joe DeLion was one of the best magicians in the world. That's what people don't realize. But here's what gets scarier, guys.

And you're hearing this from me. Sometimes you go, and there's a magician opening up for a good headliner or something, and a magician does corny. jokes and fucking grandparents laugh and whatever. Yeah. In reality, Joe DeLine was a killer comedian. He was such a killer that he couldn't get him features.

Because to save money when he first opened the bar, he goes, I'm just going to house MC, do some magic tricks. He was doing magic at the bar before the show started. Then he'd take you in the back. And then he'd do the magic, you know, and then he'd bring up a feature. The reputation, he was so strong. Off the jump that he couldn't get features features were fucking hating life wasn't the same material or was it new all the time He was he was he was a 20 year comedian oh He had fucking nine hours of fucking kill his he's been working his parents got sick he wanted to take care of me to come

He took a MC hosting job So when the club reopened Bruno was gone with his wife but he was banging this lady who had A lawn care service shit a lot yeah and she was divorced but the husband was rich

he ran off for the 20 year old and just paid this bitch off just paid that bitch off like you want three million I'll give you four take the kids take the kids

I don't want to see the ugly fucking kids they're your side of the family anyway they're half of facts that's what I got I wish I was lying to you whatever she wanted

he goes hey I'll give you a million more oh my god in Spain to fuck this little 20 year old in the ass say a la V Fuck the kids. So Bruno's banging this chick, and I would go up there and do two weeks at a time. So in those three days and sit at the hotel, Bruno would talk her into me staying at the house.

And she was great, the lady. I got a long great with her. She smoked dope. Yeah. She had a dealer down the corner. Some little neighbor in Syracuse, right there, real nice house. I wish I knew where. And she had Lomo, and I ended up working for her.

So those days I was in Syracuse, I would work in the daytime, make $100 a day. rocks and moan you know me though you gotta put two and two together I got a coke habit yeah you gotta get up it's expensive yeah it's expensive you gotta get out child support so I didn't give a fuck for me if I went to Rochester Buffalo Syracuse any of those neighborhoods I lived at that lady's house I played with the kids I hung out her and I would smoke dope and then her and Bruno broke up oh the worst deal and I'm in the middle now and she liked to suck dick so he would ask me that she sucked your dick yet I would go no. But she would wake me up every morning and I would, like, some mornings I'd have like a heart on and go, all right, this morning I'm going to let her suck my dick. I never had the hard tip. I liked her too much. Yeah. You know, she would get drunk and we talk dirty to each other, but I never did. I never pulled the trigger on it. I just kept working. And then guess what? I came back to LA. I used to do those six-month road trips. This is 99. When you went out and do the road. Yeah, because I had to follow Nick DePaolo one night and Stan Hope was behind me.

And I died at the improv, one of those nine, 15 spots. Yeah. I died. I realized how bad I was, so I would do six-month chunks on the road. Six months at a time. Send clothes home.

Yep. Hit a Walmart by a whole new fucking wardrobe for 3,250. That's the way to do it. And send boxes home. Every week, every two weeks, boom. Those jeans. Well, we were talking before the show about, like, coming back Monday and having to leave Tuesday.

At a certain point, why even have an apartment? That's the hardest thing for me, Like the past two years have an apartment You know It's like so fucking Painful to pay that check Every month So you gotta find a friend

Who's got a spare bedroom He'll give it to you for a deuce or three bills Yeah, yeah yeah But see But then you don't want it You know because you're with people all weekend But then you get there And he rented to somebody else

Now your panties are getting won by a man I don't mind that part No the fucking The pillow smells like ass That already happened So you have to You have to choose the life you want. It's nice to have your own space. You know, uh, people always say, are you on tour?

I don't know what the fuck a tour is. I'm on the road this week. I don't know it about no fucking door. Yeah. But my life is a tour. Like right now, I would love to do a three-monther and just get it over with it for the whole year. Yeah, but I miss, I'd miss my wife. Yeah. Like I'd miss that's too much. That's too much. That's not the way to raise a child. If I was 28, 36, I could do it. And snort blow and eat fried food at the bar. I did it for years. It's too much, though, man. I'd like to come home.

For me, it's like, you've got to find that balance. When you're on the road, you got, you have to have a home, man. Don't you think, for your own sanity? Just a place where you can go and think the thoughts you need to say on stage. Well, when you first get into comedy, you want to get immersed in it. So you want to live with four guys. Yeah, you want to do all that bullshit. That do comedy.

Yep. They're all hustling. They get you a job. Yeah. You all work at the same restaurant. Yeah. That's part of the experience. That's part of your book when you hit it big.

Yeah. But then it comes the time when you move on. Now you live with your boyfriend. Now that's different. He doesn't do comedy. Right. So you're out at night and he works days. That's a different part of a relationship.

There's so many fucking levels of comedy. Yeah. And if you want to be good, it's the same thing if you want to be a good carpenter. I come on board with your dad. I think your dad's a construction due to Syracuse. I come on board with your dad. After the first year,

I'm getting good at it, and I'll go, fuck it. I'll work weekends. I'll run a crew on a weekend and learn this. And you do that for four years. You become a really good carpenter. Yeah. Or a mason or a fucking chef. If somebody says to you, hey, I have weekend work for you,

and you really love cooking and you really want to learn the trade. It's not weekend work. No, it's not. It's just another fucking day at the zoo. So your first eight, nine years of comedy, your love and your passion should be so much. And that's what it was for me. It was that way for me.

For about 12 and a half years. Once it got the LA, it got real. Yeah. That's a little too real. That's how I felt when I got here. A little too quick. It's different. And that knocks the wig off a lot of people.

It's very understandable. A lot of people come to LA, do a couple sets and go, the same for me. Yeah. I love it. Is it the clubs? Is it the town itself? Everything's different from...

LA comedy's different from comedy anywhere else in the country. It's a totally different. Your approach to it has to be completely different. There's no laziness. There's no room for laziness. Don't you think so? I know so. I know many of people, I could count 10.

I'm thinking about them right now. I know guys that came rented apartments and took off after two weeks. Made up some story. Never came back. My uncle, my dad. None of them really said to you, I don't really like it, or I really can't handle it. I can name 10 people. I can name four people who lasted less than a month that I know of since 1997.

And I can name 50 people who have left. Since then, yeah. And people who had talent. I'm not talking about people who came out that weren't even at that point. I'm talking about people who you saw at the store. People who you saw auditions. People who you saw at different comedy clubs. And one day, you're working fucking St. Louis.

And they contact you on Facebook. And because your life is filled with faces, you forget. And you go, bro, where the fuck? Oh, my God. And they'll tell you, what happened? You call them up. What happened? What are you doing here?

Oh, I got stuck here. You know, L.A., man, me and the girl broke up and I had no apartment. And you hear it in their voice that it broke them. Because you have to maintain a high level of bullshit. You know what? You do. I'm not even a comedian. And just driving down in Burbank the other day, and there's billboards everywhere,

and you're driving past Disney. And it's every conversation you have is about it. And every conversation you have is about it. conversation you hear, even if you just go to be quiet, every conversation you hear is about this meeting or whatever. It's kind of cliche to say it, but there's a different feeling in LA, even for me. So I can't imagine having to perform. It feels like you can go out. And the way I approach it is I go out and in my mind, I'm like, anything can happen tonight in L.A. And I felt that way when I was in New York, I was in New York for almost nine years.

you know, I always wanted to perform in a way that I would be tired when I got off stage or sweating or my heart was still racing because the Jesse May 11 years ago or 12 years ago whenever I started would have done that. So why would I change that approach? I don't think it's, you know, when I see comedians being lazy and taking, you know, shortcuts, it really irks me. Because like you said, we're very fortunate to be able to do this, to be able to make a living at it, fucking forget about it. How many people make a living doing stand-up? Very fucking few. And how many people are out there trying to do it? A shitload.

So to me, laziness, there's no room for it. Last Thursday was my true test. Last Thursday was the fourth week. In a row? No, I did four out of five. And last Thursday, I had to get up it. 2.30 to be at the airport by 4. Flight was leaving at 5.

There was a lunchtime flight that I looked at the day before. I did get so fucking fanatical about it. I looked at the lunchtime flight the day before, and I said, I'll get there at 7.30, I'll make the show. I would never do something like that to a club owner on myself. That's a horrible stress to put yourself under. I still remember the alarm going off at 2.30 in the morning, last Wednesday.

and my wife didn't sleep with me because she don't want me to wake her up in the middle night so she blows up a fucking air mattress and sleep in the baby's room with the baby. I remember opening the door and they were one inch from each other. Their faces and they were looking at each other and they fell asleep like playing,

like looking at each other. Do you have any idea how hard it is to leave that? Like not to say, are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to do what? And then I got on the one-on-one and there was bump in the bumper traffic.

One way. I shot off that motherfucker. fuck at Coldwater and I did 90 all the way to fucking Sepolverna with a 405 I shot down I made it to the airport at 10 the fucking four I walked inside the airport I couldn't believe 10 the fucking four but it's so hard to leave that like right there

I'm going to what Pittsburgh I'm leaving this to go to Pittsburgh I made my wife sleep on the floor to go to Pittsburgh at this level at this level that my wife just said well I can sleep on my cat she blew up to a mattress my wife didn't mind but I still remember being the criminal, full time.

I did a six-year fucking run. I've just peter stealing from Paul. Yeah. And if you don't have it by Friday, somebody's getting robbed. Yeah, someone's going to finger-marry. Somebody's going to fucking get robbed. And I'll never forget going to Colorado and leaving. And the first six weeks I was in Colorado,

I pretty much slept. Because all those years, my stress level was at such a high peak. It was at such a high peak. You know, last night I had jet lag. So I got off the plane yesterday at 8.30 in the morning. I went home. I played with the family.

I hung out. I ate lunch at them. I think I went down at 2. I got up at 5.30. I ate dinner with them. We talked Sunday. We said prayer. Whatever the fuck.

At 10 o'clock, I went to bed last night. I was tired. But I had so jet lag or whatever the fuck you called. Yeah. I woke up at 3 in the morning. Angry is a motherfucker. woke up like my mind I just put all the shit

I've been pissed about for the last three weeks in the tip of my mind I got up I drank half a gallon apple juice it was the baby's apple juice I was so dehydrated that I popped

fucking a half a gallon of water and did three more CBD drops under my tongue and I couldn't go back to sleep I was wired I woke up at three got up my wife came out like 20 minutes like you're okay and we started talking

she goes why are you mad I woke I'm fucking mad can you believe this shit? She was what he mad about? So he started talking about what I was mad about. She goes, if I want to go to the zoo tomorrow, I'm not going to have to go back to bed. Like, all right, she went back to bed like maybe 10 to 4. I stayed there until 5.30 watching Sons of Anarchy.

What's an episode of Sons of Anarchy? I watched the episode of Sopranos. I watched the Honeymooners. I had taped the night before. I didn't get to watch that. I watched the honeymoon. One season. What's that?

Honeymooners. Wasn't it on for like one season? They had 20-something episodes. Yeah. But they got like really good episodes that come out Sundays at 10.30, so I tape them. That's good. One night a week that we get the fucking one night a week for your East Coast Cotsuckers. One night, Sunday at 10, I got the odd couple at 1030, I get the honnemos.

And I watch them every Monday morning. But I myself, giggling. Yeah. It destroys my insides. Last night was the one about the boxer. Have you ever seen that one? No. He's shooting pool.

No. And the guy comes over. The guy's got a squeaky voice. And the guy's got a squeaky voice. The writing, listen, there's two guys who run on that show. And Jackie Gleason. Jackie Gleason oversaw. And let me tell you, I read the book.

Jackie Gleason described him as two Jews without a suntan. Because all they did was write brilliant shit. Yeah. And this particular episode, he's shooting pool with Norton. He walks in, the pool tables open. He gets on the pool. table within four minutes guy comes up to him with a squeaky voice and says

I wouldn't do that if I was you and he goes why not he goes you know this is me and my friend Harvey and they start making fun of the guys of his name so you're your friend's Harvey Harvey you know of a sudden he goes yeah and my friend Harvey's even bigger than me and Ralph goes I got a friend Shirley that's even bigger than you so all of a sudden Harvey comes back he's a professional

boxer he taps Ralph and he and all of a sudden fucking Norton is his hysterical. I mean, if you're looking to do comedy timing, I don't even know what his name is anymore, his real name Ed Norton in the fucking thing. He kept peeking over his shoulder going, hey, Ralph, I think he's even bigger than your friend Shirley.

Like he was just throwing. Ralph Cramden. Ralph Cramden. Ralph Crandon. Art Carnie was a comedy. The timing. And I'm watching this this morning, and my wife is arguing with the baby in the fucking kitchen.

And about the part where he, Norton comes down and talks him into it. He goes, you got to fight him. Everybody's down there. Everybody's betting on you. You're 500 to 1. You're going to lose. And he's just torment them. He goes, you can't leave town.

He goes, let me teach you out of the box. Let's work on your footwork. And he's working on his footwork. And all of a sudden he goes, all right, cover your face. Cover your face. Ralph covers his face. And he fucking punches him in the stomach. Right.

And right when he punched him in the stomach, I broke down into tears. We did? Yeah, broke down into tears. And I'll tell you all the components of this. A, A. You're going to write it down? I grew up watching it when my mother was alive. Right.

And as I was watching it, I'd be on the phone with either Fernie next door for, uh, Fernie. His name was, uh, I forget now the kid who was fucking the lightsaw cam blew up and went through his leg of shit. The guy with the bikes. The guy with the bikes. I hit him on Facebook. You never returned me. I'd be on the phone with him laughing. Now, number two, I've seen all these episodes.

Yeah. Why am I still fucking laughing? And number three, it's who I am today. Yeah. That comedy is who I am today. I wanted to be Ralph Grandin. There's no, even my wife looks at me throughout the thing. Because that's the first person I saw that really took it.

Yeah, Richard Pryor was a great stand-up. But to do it in front of me, then I saw Red Fox on San Francisco and you see all these other influences. You see that crossover. But fucking that show, every Monday, first thing I do on Monday when I wake up, no news. I get my coffee. You got to have that chill moment. And it brings me back, and it's three levels. It's three levels of what happened to fucking, do you know they took every song off?

You're correct? Every fucking song. We brought it back so big that MCA record said it's over. Yeah. Where is it? Oh, okay. It's time for Tony Bennett. It's Monday.

A little something for the spirits, you know what I'm saying? Something for the spirits. Fuck you. Sorry about squeezing the water bottle and people get offended. Why don't they get offended? It's time to smoke a number if you got it. That's what it's time for, a cock-shockers. You'll smoke break.

Eat some nicotine gum, put on your grandmother's glasses, and take a ride. Get on the skateboard now, Cox, Sutter. You will go home with eight stitches. It's also time for another mushroom. Oh, shit. I'm full in mushroom mode. Your face looks like a mushroom. I know you're so high.

What are you talking about? One more little stem. One more little step. Come on. You're so high. One more little stem for Jesus. it's Monday This is amazing

You look amazing What did you put Jesus through What did your people put Jesus? It wasn't me It wasn't me with the fucking thorn crown One of your uncles You're gonna assume one of your cousins You're all related

Where is it? Don't worry but I got more Oh I found it Leave it there The cat will get it No leave it there The cat will get it The cat on a mushroom

Oh my God Somebody sent me a video of a dog They ate edibles today It was the saddest thing What happened to it? The owner kept Couldn't pick it up. The guy with his eyes are wide open that were fucking dilated.

Here you go, Lee. This is smaller. Did it hurt the dog? He go, Lee. Don't let that one go down. That's small? Yeah, these are all baby mushrooms. I feel like the other one's smaller.

Here you go, Lee. A river dents you. There you go. I'm going to send it off on the Snapchat for you. That's how we do it. Couple mushrooms during the break. Get the party started. Fourth of July's going to be here before you know it.

Oh, my God. That is impressive. That's a little one? Yeah. He's lying. That's not little. That's a baby one. That's huge.

No. Come on, Joey. I get these mushrooms from fucking Africa that they get to black people before they put them on the ship. The thing looks huge. The ones they got the cap, that's the one he's going to see the devil. We ain't going to see the devil. I gave milligrams of reef. I don't care that I squeeze the bottom.

This is grown. When he gets offended by bottles is being squeezed? People have stopped listening to the show Sometimes you make a mistake and you squeeze a bottle And this just refrigerator is on fire Yeah, yeah, that things Ice Dicks in them I love a good ice dick

I love this I love this My wife doesn't freezes this like the white trash that she is And I gotta tell you the middle of that you get up and you drink that bottle That's delicious Oh my fucking goodness some cold cold Yeah And little ice stick to go home with A little ice dick to girl never get lonely

It used to be a Carvel in Syracuse I used to go there's a few Carvel still One, there was one particular. I used to go. They used to make my milk shake thin. Little Chinese guy. Very thin. I like it thin.

Did you ever know what I got? Why do you like it thin? It's still, it's against milk shakes. Like watery? Yeah. I put vanilla ice cream. A lot of whole milk and a fucking scoop of cane shoo. Don't drink that whole milk.

But now I put coconut milk with vanilla ice cream. Oh, shit. Good for you. That's good. I make almond milk smoothies every morning. And I love it. That's good. You put good nuts in there?

I put fruits. I put mixed berries and cherries and some flax seeds. Do you put chia seeds and hemp seeds? Flacks seeds are good. Add some chia in there. I put some CBD oil on my fucking tongue for 60 seconds. And you become a fucking weaponly. You understand?

You know what fuck you think you're dealing with joy bananas? What's wrong with milk? Joey bananas. Yeah. What's wrong with milk? Milk is, man, that stuff is so gross. That comes out of a cow's. breast. I can't whole milk. I can't fuck with whole milk.

It's very funny how I'm sitting here looking at you. And I realize for the first time how beautiful you are. Oh, you're so sweet. Your cheekbones and stuff. You're also so very Italian. What's your dad Italian and your mom's Italian? Your mom's maiden name. My mom is a mutt. So what's her maiden name? Finley. Finley. Okay. She's Irish and some other bullshit. Yeah, that's the prettiness. I've always been a sucker of Irish women. The dirty. I like Yeah, yeah, we get dirty mouth. Love them. Love them. Love them.

Since day one, dog, those freckles on the tits when you're in Catholic school. I don't got tipped freckles. I feel left out. Oh, my God. When they're redheaded, there was a redhead sitting next to me on the flight to Sacramento or Felicia. Felicia's like, what are you looking at? I kept looking. She couldn't.

She was beautiful. She looked like the chick from boogie nights, first off. Okay. I was going to say the Wendy's commercial. That red hair. That red hair. No, no, that's too red. Fuck that.

I like, yeah, I like that red. And they got to have pale skin. Yeah. I like the vampires. And I like the freckles. The freckles on the arm. Tit freckles. The feet were fucking tremendous.

She had acne, foot fungus. I saw a spot jar. Why did you like that? Because that means she runs in the woods. I could get her out there running. You know what I'm saying? I could chase it with a knife. Also means she's probably like vulnerable.

Yeah. I love it. I love. She was beautiful. She got made up on the plane. I was watching. I put her eyebrows on. She was fucking beautiful.

To be a woman, we have to put our eyebrows on. Do you even know what the fuck that feels like? You motherfuckers sit in here What are you What are you? What are you? What are your burly ass eyebrows And the world loves you?

Yeah, but you got fucking eyebrows And somebody pays the rent So complain You know what I'm saying? It's true. I guess nice eyebrows Nobody's paying They're me to do

My have nice eyebrows Are all over the place And you're adorable Oh my eyebrows Women have stopped me Women stopped me Nine of ten times And go

Can I ask you a question Did you have a sister? Because the eyebrows Got to be out Not the one of these Eyebrows No no They like this.

eyelashes. Women go crazy over these eyelashes. They say that they grow weird. Mike, eyelashes grow to what you ladies want them to do. They curl. So a lot of women have come up to me over the years and said, your eyelashes are tremendous. All the fucking things.

Have you that about doing any modeling? Any eyelashes? Yeah, yeah. I just sent the fucking packets to Madd Magazine, right? To be an eyelash model, whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, I get mad when dudes have nice lashes. Because women have to extend them or something. We have to put like

Boar, baby boar fat On our face to feel pretty We have to put colors and chemicals And shalac shit onto our face You guys walk around with your burly ass eyebrows And your lashes and you're fucking fine You could smell like salami And have fucking hair

From your temple to your chin And be fine I don't eat salami no more Because I did last week Last week was I don't eat salami anymore But I did last week

My wife brought salami again to put in a fucking salad, and I found it at night and I made a salami sandwich and I was leaving at 3.30 at the morning. I'm not hungry when I wake up. I'm starving. No, I don't wake up with hunger.

I have to have that coffee first, then I got to wait 10 minutes, then I got to hit the tututs. And then once I hit the tututs, about an hour later, when I smell bacon, before I go on the shower, and I go, you know what, I could eat some.

At one point, do you shit out the window? Do you ever do that for old times' sake? No. About eight years ago, I started shitting tubs because I just couldn't take it no more. Shut up. While I was taking the shower, why get out? No.

Let me tell you some. For some reason or another. Listen to me, Jesuit, for some reason or another, for about two years, I hate going. I like shitting before I go in the shower. But I like shitting before I go in the shower. I don't want to take a shower and walk around with a dirty ass all day because it leaks. You got to stop every hour and clean it. And then it gets hot out.

So I don't like, I like taking the shit before I go in the shower. But there's some days the system don't work. according to your fucking pussy schedule. So you wash and then you come out. Some days I was taking a shower and as soon as the water would hit my back I'd have to take the shit. And he had to tell you something.

When you got to dry off. And take the shit. And it makes you have to go to the bathroom as soon as the water hits you. So sometimes you do sit on a wet toilet and it's a horrible feeling. It's a horrible feeling. So for a while there,

I was just saying, fuck it, let me just shit while I'm taking a shout. So you would just, I would just scoo? Scoop or scoop it out? No, I would either unscrew that thing. Sometimes I'd pick it out of my hand and just throw it right now. Joe, stop!

That's how disgusting I am. Sometimes I would just shit in Vegas. Sometimes I was eating pills and doing blow. And I would just sit in the thing with my legs open, like a Chinese guy. You know how they shit in China, but only with water hitting my ball sack and my ass on at the same time. It's a party. And I would just shit and watch the shit come out with all the particles. And then I get like the soap and push it down the hole.

Yes, I would. I'm disgusting. I've got to admit to it right now. Anybody who's ever taking a shower at Joey Diaz's house? No, not this house. I would do it in hotels. Okay. I would push it down.

The peanuts would get stuck in the thing so the drain couldn't go back down. Oh, I can't see hotels anymore. I'm never staying in another hotel. You don't know what life is like. You know now I do. This had to be 2006 to 2007. Come on, you had a shit year. You know the year you were doing that?

I was just shit in the tub. where I was going. You know how some comedians have like Josh Wolf has like the picture from his hotel room? You should take pictures of the shit. You know, now I don't do that no more. That's when I was an animal.

This was way before the baby, way before I got married. You don't shit in the shower anymore. And then my wife caught me one time in the old apartment. She caught me tossing the shit. And she goes, what was that? It was in mid-air. She just caught it like.

Mid-air shit. With the stink flying off and it was rolling in the air. No. These been in the splash getter. And it just splashes. He goes, what was that? I had an accent. And she said,

you can't be having accents no more. You're too old for that shit. And that was it. Because once my wife catches me, that's it. Your wife caught you tossing shit to the air. Like a canoley. Like a little shit canola. Like a women's softball surf.

Unbelievable. Wait, would you shit on the floor and then pick it up or shit into your hand? No, I was shot on the floor. Let it drop. Boom, boom. I would be washing my back. And then I just bend over. Why?

That's that an important detail. And then I just bend over like a mule and let the hot water. It was like a Puerto Rican bidet. That's what I would use the shower, like a Puerto Rican bidet. I don't like those fucking... He can't handle his life right now. No, and I don't like those things, those shower things that. I don't like that because you're never cold. If you take the thing off the thing, then you're freezing.

Yeah. So your balls are warm, but your back is freezing, so I don't like that. I like water everywhere. If you go to these new modern hotels in Vegas, they got a couple different directions that water's coming from. Don't get me wrong. I get tempted. At the hotel, they put me in Vegas now, they have a chair in there.

Oh, that's a party. A chair in the shower? In the shower. Oh, that's so you can like sit down and get BJ. Yeah. And take a shit comfortably. This time I just go in there and lay there and think of jokes and shit. That's my best work when I'm in a shower.

Yeah, I do too. I love my. I love 10, 2 hour, 3 hour. The old apartment I had in Hollywood, the guy told us the water tank was from 1910, where it was the size of the city. I would sit in that. When I first had to sleep at me, I would sit in the shower from 3 in the morning. to 8 in the morning. When you get pruny?

The fucking wallpaper, the fucking wallpaper and the paint would come off the walls. And I would just sit there, I'd get a pillow, I'd put a plastic bag around, I'd put it behind my head. But before the sleep apnea machine,

that's the only way I could sleep. This is a slant, it's steam. You'd fall asleep in the shower. With the hot water in my chest like a doctor. That's the way the Greeks did it in the old days. Like a doctor.

Fuck yeah. Is it documented? Turn the lights off. Fuck it. leave me in here with the hot water hitting my chest. What kind of doctor sleeps in the shower? A doctor, a real fucking doctor. Someone who's making big time fucking cash.

What kind of doctor? Listen, if I were to make big time cash, I'm going to design a house with a mattress in the shower and the unlimited tank of hot water. I feel like I was drowning. I would not. Yeah, I feel like I was drowning. Hit my chest on a slant. Nice steam.

You breathe nice. You put some elliptic, like a eucalyptus in the fucking thing. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? You're literally making a human-sized humidify, like a huge humidifier. He just needs a humidifier. He doesn't need the sleep apnea machine. Some fucking waterproof rolling papers, smoke some tutu-to-lots in the fucking shower.

Who's better than you, Lisa, I have nobody. That's amazing. In the shower? Fuck you. If I could smoke weed in the shower, do you know how many joints I'd smoke? You know how brilliant shit would come out of my mouth? Yeah. There's times I go on the shower.

You can't write. I need a waterproof pen with waterproof paper. You have waterproof paper? No, I wish I could get it. They got to have that. Something that I could write under water. Like, if it gets what, it doesn't matter. Would a mermaid do.

I just imagine with a snorkel, like riding under water? That'd be fun, though. Do you eat in the tub? You eat a sandwich or something? No, that's disgusting. Oh, okay. That's disgusting. It says the guy who just threw a shit in midair.

Kenny Jello and shit in the tub, like the fucking, you know. Some people do a beer, don't they? Yeah, I'll do a shower of beer. I don't need none of that shit. I don't need no shots, no glass. I can never be one of those people who drink wine. They go into this deep fog and they open their eyes. You know, you ever go to an A meeting, people hug each other and they close their eyes.

I never got it. I closed my eyes again. Even when you make God, that's the creepiest thing in the way. I got to close my eyes. Nothing happens. I want to stare at you. You know what I'm making out? Fuck yeah.

Like a dead person. I don't fuck around. When you sleep? No. Oh, I was like, oh, my God. I got a cat that sleeps with his eyes. open. It's a creepiest thing. That's scary. She sleeps with her eyes halfway open. You gotta go

like check her from the time of the time. Lulu, get it together. That's my friend dog's name. I love Lulu. It's my girl. Again, I took that from the honeymoon. That's from the episode Norton, we're sleepwalking. So they hypnotized and they kept saying Lulu, Lulu, Lulu. And they got him a fucking dog.

I'm not over you throwing shit. Disgusting. Listen, man. We do some disgust. I used to love to pee in phone boots. You pee in a phone That was my life. Like just for a gag? Take my dick out and make believe I was talking on the phone. And just pee and watch thousands of people walk past me

when I had my dick out peeing on the floor. It's amazing what you don't see. That's why I tell people all the time. Like people, you know, they get away, they don't get away with murder. And I say, read those mafia books. Those mafia books, they took you in the weed. They didn't make a big deal of it. And that's why, yes, the rats told where the bodies were.

But that's still a hundred and those guys are not geniuses They're not geniuses They'd wrap the fucking trunk up They'd wrap the top up They'd take you for a ride Shoot you in the head with a 22 So the bullet wouldn't splatter Because when I shoot you with a 22

There's not a hole one come out of the other side The 22 just goes around in your head And crushes your brain That's why when you want to shoot somebody in the head You shoot them with a 22 I was just thinking about that today Well with Badafuko That bitch fucked up because the chick lived

remember when Batafuko shot. I don't know what gun she shot it with. When Amy shot the mother in the head with the gun. That's right. Wow, I forgot about Badafuko. When I first got to L.A., I see Badafuko every night. Really? At the comedy store.

It must have been weird. Joey Badafouca with his wife at the comedy stuff. Fuck. And then him by himself. And then auditions. I always went up against them. They always put him up in that right category. An Italian bus drive or pizza guy.

I don't always see Badafouca on all the other. They had a porno and everything ended. He's got a body shop in the value or he sold it You know he had a body shop right of Van Nuys for years that's when he moved out he had a brook came out with a body shop He sold it He got to shoot him with a 22 but all the Do you know that Lee I watch those CNBC shows and people always getting caught with murder for stupid shit? You're like that's just dumb shit How did three guys murder somebody and nobody knew nothing for 22 fucking years? Well they got to stop showing showing these shows because no one's going to solve murders in like 20 years, maybe even less.

Everyone's going to be taking notes with all this technology and murders are just going to be done so easily. Well, see, now with the technology they got you, I think they even have you with the drones. Of course. Yeah, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop up, pop, pop up, pop up, pop up, pop up, pop up, pop up, they have us with our cell phones. Well, I'm not that stupid. No, I'm going to take my car with the GPS.

Take a drone. Pop, pop, pop, pop a cap, pop a 22 in his ass. With a drone? Yeah, right. through the butthole. There's already a hole there. That's a fucking, that's a thing from a movie. You see there's a new drone that you can actually sit in now?

No. It's not out yet. But you can sit in a drone. I bet you're fucking happy. You can't wait to get your little hat with the propeller. I mean, I'm a nerd, but I like to wait to like the second or third version of stuff. Like the self-driving car I really want, but... You can't go first. I'm not...

There's going to be a recall. Yeah, computers break down and stuff. So I'm like a second. You imagine being the first minute thing don't stop. And then you're on the four of five. At five of them are doing 90. And you're an asshole. You're like, why don't I even believe this shit that this is going to even be possible?

Yeah. Like I'm going to have a fucking, I don't trust nobody. I don't even care if it's a fucking go car. I don't care if it's a fucking bicycle. I wouldn't trust nobody driving me with a fucking thing. So now I'm going to have nobody in there. Are you fucking retarded? Yeah.

This is only something that white people come up with to be fucking spooky shit. Nobody else. The chinks don't think about this. They're not thinking about this. in Africa. Nothing about this. Nowhere else, but fucking,

here, white people. What am I, we got a, whatever car, you know, to do what? To do what?

To do what? Because 20 of them are going to fucking snap one day, they're going to be in different cities. Because they're all going to be on a computer chip or something.

It's got to be done with a computer. I haven't ever thought about that one yet. So one day, 600 fucking these stupid cars are going to be going nuts. Yep. On the different highways. They're going to zap out.

Meanwhile, I got my fucking Cadillac dead free. That'll kill you. you if you tap into it you get see that's what I'm getting my next car forget the Subaru I'm already driving around different neighbors looking for an old Cal like a gas cars I don't give a fuck it when I get my my Carmilla had one of those yeah why not what year it doesn't matter I don't even know years we think I look around I don't know

like 70s 80s 80s goodfellas 173 not too Deville but the other kind of like Deville not the calike Deville but the electric 225 I'm taking it back to 1970 fucking three. Four door electric windows. You hit somebody with one of those fucking cars. They ain't going to live to tell the story. There's no kidneys. There's no hips.

They're going down heavy. I would pay to see that going up walking. Let me tell you something. You hit me with one of those fucking driverless cars. You're blowing up right there. And I'm going to keep driving down like nothing happened. It's like one of those bulletproof tanks. They don't even, dog, those cars you can shoot at them.

Those electric 225s, I know. The caddies? The caddies. Does it? Listen, I know for a fact, you could shoot at those fucking things. When you got the car accident, those things, the windshield didn't break. It was like a nine-inch windshield doors. If you were old and needed glasses, you didn't need them in that fucking car.

That's how they made those cars. What is it called? An electric 225, Ford door. Get the fucking brown with the tan interior leather. Who's going to say something to you? You're living like Ricardo Montembaum before the cake. Take a look at that fucking thing. What do you think of it would be a little, Lysayette?

Oh, shit. Those are nice. This is the real deal. My dad had a caddy. I borrowed it, and then they stole the hub cap, the, like, the cap cover. They stole that shit up with the dad's car. I don't want to get ginsow. Yeah.

But you got to get, like, old school ginso. Not that one. Caprice Classic. None of those. Right there, that black one at the end. Oh, shit. You see that black one all the way? Top, top, top, top, top.

All the way. Yeah, first one. All the way. Right there. Boom. Let's see what that is. Yeah. Who the fuck you think you're dealing?

What is that? What car is that? Yeah, that's a ship. It's what I put in. I put in... Electra 225. There it is right there. Fucking beautiful.

Yeah. Black on black. White wall? Look at... No white wall. Look at that front tire. Is it a white wall? Oh, no, it's not.

It's got a stripe. The back tire is different, though. That car right there. It looks like a shark. You see that bumper right there? That's what it was made to look like. That's what America made to look like. Look at that car right there.

You have nine feet between the grill and the windshield. Nothing's happening to you. Nothing. No airbag. Nothing's happening to you. Nothing. You got nine fucking feet.

Look at that, Lee. You got a fucking... What engine do you have in there, Lee? Fuck a minivan. What engine do you have in there? It's an engine made. You put oil in that thing, and you... I mean, you know, it's going to be expensive to upkeep, but ain't nobody going to

fuck with me. Once they put that car on the road, I go get an electric $225. I don't even think it has an engine. I think there's just a dick under the hood. It's a Bewick, right? It's a Cadillac. Cubans love Cadillac. Always remember that.

There was more Cadillacs in Cuba. Oh, maybe it is a Buick. No, Buick made it, but there was a Cadillac. Maybe it was a Buick. Wow, was it a Buick? Maybe it wasn't Buick. Because, yeah, I can't find anything. I guess it's a Buick.

All right, let's go to 1973 Buick Electric 2. Let's see the Wickpedia, what the engine is on it. 72. Let's see. That brown one. Get that brown one right there. Look at that motherfucker right there. That's a boat.

That's the boat. That's the boat. That's the Ralph Varney edition. I don't even know who Ralph Vaughney is. I don't want to hang out with Val Brown. Let's see. Let me see what engine it is. It's run by a whale dick.

I guarantee it. It's not even an engine. Okay. An engine is 401, 401 cubic. Yeah. 6.6V8. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?

He goes, the more you go, those horses go, Jack, you can hear those horses do, is it diesel? No,

it's the real deal. And that's just regular gas. Yeah, no, I'm gonna, listen, I blow 80. You get six miles a gallon.

Yeah, I blow 80 bucks from here the comedy store, but it's worth every fucking dime because if I hate you on Lower Canyon, nothing's gonna happen.

Yeah, nothing's gonna happen. Nothing's gonna happen. But going to kill. I don't even get that car had seat belts. You don't need them. They don't even need them.

You don't even need seat belts. What's the point? seat belts in this car. Ain't nothing going to happen. What's the next going to happen? You've got to take a quick shit. That's it. You'll shit out the window.

That backseat you could bang two brutes. At the same damn time. Did it have the bench front seat? Yeah. Yes. Oh, cool. I love that bench front seat. That was something that was like 80s.

I remember sliding around that front seat. Next thing you date a girl. She likes to get blow jobs. The seat bends that one. I used to date a girl that she couldn't figure out. I don't know why my seats. Maybe because you suck 2,000 dicks in this fucking car and you went this way. You know what I'm saying?

Did you ever think of that? We took it to the Nissan deal. 2000 dicks. That's my memoir title. She sucked 2,000 dicks in that fucking car. I'm not kidding. You're close to it. And we had to take the car to Nissan.

And Nissan couldn't figure out why the seat was crooked. Engineers, little Chinese dudes with the flashlights and shit. And I'm like, do you guys stuck with the Nissan bill? No. Do I look at the type of guy that are getting stuck for a Nissan bill for the 2000 blow job? Are you fucking crazy? See, if I was the first blowjob in the night, she kept sucking my dick, maybe I'd pay half the seat bill. You give a quarter of it.

Yeah, I'll vacuum the seat. I'll take all the dick length off and shit. But I'm not fucking, the seat was crooked. And I wish I was telling you a lot. Wow. I wish I was telling you. Good for her. Hopefully she mastered her technique.

Hopefully it wasn't a waste. What are you going to do? You know? Things are bad all over. You know what I'm saying? All right. So you start counting in Syracuse or no. Yeah.

And then I moved. Actually, no, I didn't start in Syracuse. I started in Boston when I was 18. I moved there and I did improv for a few years. Where did you do improv? I did improv at this place called a Can-Tab Lounge. Okay. In, it was in Cambridge.

Oh, yeah, Cambridge. Because they have the improv asylum, so I was one of the people there. Because I used to love that. There was an improv asylum. There's Improv Boston. And then the tribe was a group I was with. And then I started doing stand-up from that. I was like, this improv stuff is fun, but I was like, I can't do.

It's just. Six people. It's hard to make it good, man. It's tough. The long version, the short version. Yeah, we did musical. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, go fuck yourself.

Just grab the mic and go for it. Talk sucker. You're going to go up there with three idiots. Give me a, give us a name of a city. I could tell, yeah, that shit. Oklahoma. Oh, okay. Oklahoma.

Now we got to play fucking wizard. I got to sit there and get a headache for 30 minutes. We did musical improv, so I had to like grab finger symbols and shit. I have to get a headache. I got a headache. and didn't get a headache with a swami hat on. I need this shit in my fucking life. It's too much, man.

You were ever in an improv tube, Joy? Oh, yeah, yeah. You were? Get the fuck out of here. It was big. When I first got into stand-up in 91, where I got into stand-up, there was an improv tube. And I went to watch it.

And I liked what they were doing, but the broad drove me crazy because she thought she was a headburn. Oh, God. But meanwhile, she was just a fucking moron. Right. And then she got into stand-up And she had this big attitude

And they made her a feature And she died a million times So who the fuck knows what happened to her I didn't like it I didn't like the attitude of it I didn't like the people that went to see it It's a different thing It's a very different

The people go see improv It's a they're a weird animal And at the IO in in a In Hollywood Yeah They would do an improv show on Fridays And then put standups on them you should have seen the look on their face

and they got a load of me because it's real they shit their pants I would go down there Fridays at midnight just for a goof for me and then go to the comedy store and do the 1230 or the 1245 for a year I went to Improv Olympic

as a goof right because I couldn't believe now again part of me is putting it down but part of me is just I was in disbelief of what I bumped in there. Like I went there thinking something and it was the complete opposite of what I thought. For starters, everybody in there was on a visa card.

Wow. A dad visa card for a year to get your life together and then become a improv guy. Every class, I went there to write sketches. At that time, I heard sketch groups, sketch shows. We're going to make a comeback. So I was planning ahead of the game. So I paid 69 bucks and took over 10 weeks. sketch group. I gotta tell you this. After the fourth week, I was better than the teacher. Really? Yeah, like the teacher had written for one TV show and all these little kids were

rubbing his feet and bringing them apples and shit. I'm like, this guy's a bum. This guy's to the curb fucking bum. This guy ain't done what we do. Never. And after the fourth to fifth week, and I'm terrible at all that stuff. I'm telling you, I was writing better sketches. The improv troupe was taking my sketches. They were? Yeah, they were taking my sketches. I never wrote sketches. before just street shit I don't even know what the fuck I was right three minutes sketches whatever the fuck they are and they would grow them out they took out of maybe 15 things I wrote they probably took 10 of them wow so I started going I started meeting the kids and I would try to get together with them to and they all

had fucking outies what the fuck they all had BMWs come on they all lived in the hills and And here I am a comic work living in a one-bedroom fighting for my life Shit. And I got to talking to him and then I started going to the I-O. And I saw that the people that were even teaching couldn't. Listen, man, I remember going to rooms to audition for movies and seeing people that had seen another big movies and shit in my pants. Then a light bulb would go off.

And I'd say, wait a second. This guy did this, this, this, and this. But guess what he has none? He never did half time of a Buffalo Sabre game. Yes. And almost get shit thrown at him from the tub. Yes. Okay.

That built me up. Like that destroyed my insides. Like they did this movie, this movie, this one. But they never followed Paul morning at the comedy store at 1245 four nights a week. They didn't do that. That's what they didn't fucking do. And what they didn't do, you can't take away from me. No.

I'm going to go in that room and fuck them up. and that's exactly what I would do from that little confidence just that little no matter when you go in there you think about all your shortcomings you start thinking about this guy came from a nice family

came from a shit family I did drugs I went to prison but then that last life hook always saved me I go but this guy let me tell you what he hasn't fucking not he hasn't followed

Don Marrera in the main room you know when you're not going to do it and I see it all the time and it burns me up A couple weeks ago I went to that fucking flappers down there on a Monday Tuesday And they had like this actor from like all these Whatever movies

Pseudo comedy movies down there Trying to be cute You know you can tell when he comes in with his act of bullshit You know, hi, how are you? What is it? Come on tell me who it is I don't even know his fucking name What's those movies with the fucking dude from Sinai Live?

He just played in fucking whatever part two It was terrible with He played the villain in that movie he's old but everybody like he's like a hundred but everybody tells he's fucking 33 oh Bill Murray no the other two Bill Murray the other fucking dude for San Diego

Chevy Chase no younger younger he's the dude he did a he did a the basketball movie he does the reporters movie Will Ferrell in the neighborhood his cousins with Will Ferrell

Oh John T. Riley Which one's Will Ferrell? Will Ferrell was on Saturday Night Live he's an anchor man He's in those movies, the guy I'm talking about. The sports guy? John C. Yeah, Will Farrell.

Like, Will Farrell's one of those dudes that's 50, but they keep saying he's 32. Yeah, who is it? Come on. You know, I don't know the actor's name. He's in the Anchorman? He's in a bunch of those little stupid fucking movies, and he started getting into comedy. What's he look like? I don't fucking know.

Some white dude. And he comes in with his fake attitude, like, hi, oh, are you from here? He's making believe that he cares. Like, right away, nobody gives a fuck where you're from. I don't really give him a fuck. I'm just here to fucking rock the mic. You got wings, you got water. Let's not do a small chat.

You know, chit chat, fucking shit. You can tell. And this motherfucker was going up there talking all this shit. And I could tell that he was watching me. And when I got on stage, his face was just, they never see that. It's like one time I was at, I think Lee was with me. I was at the fucking improv. And what's his name was there?

The other dude that's got the show with the clown on fucking. Oh, Galvanakis. Zach was there. Zach fucking called me. Zach called Brody and said I never seen nothing like that in my life because they weren't laughing after fucking Sarah and Zach. You know, those people at the improv. Oh my God. Zach Gallifern Maccas is here.

Our evening has been made. Well, fucking fat little joy went up there. I didn't happen for like two or three minutes. And then I just turned down and fucking Will. Sarah. I saw Sarah for a year after that. Sarah would always go. That night was amazing.

I never, I didn't get to see it. You screamed at them? I heard about it. I turned it around. What did you do? Whatever. I just broke it down for them, said, who the fuck do you people think you are? You know, who the fuck are you? You're better than me? What are you going to do tomorrow? You're going to go to a farmer's market to get the nutmeg?

Suck my dick. You know, I got a three-year-old. I just started throwing heat and ranting. And all of a sudden when I left there, they were like, and fucking, I hear somebody chasing me. And it's Zach. He said, what the fuck was that? And I go, that stand-up. Yeah. That stand-up. That's what we're supposed to do. Not supposed to go up there with, you know, this guy's been in 20, movies. Who gives a fuck?

That doesn't mean nothing when you got to break stings behind you. You're either gonna put your hands up because the cops are going to you better start telling jokes, bitch. And it's just amazing that we've forgotten that art.

Like, I'm old school. I don't know it from fucking prior, man. You go out there and you fuck a step on the gas and you go and you say what's on your mind and fuck it. When you start holding back is when you're slipping. Well, there's three old people.

If I say mudblood, you know, it's not going to work. I'm dehydrated for the mushroom, bitches. It's good to say, I'm glad it's not juice. No. You got another water in there for me?

Yeah, I got 22 fucking waters. You're about to have 20 left. We got like fucking Lee's the man on water. Oh, nice. We don't fuck around here. You're in Boston. What was next? He's hanging on to his water.

I was in Boston for three and a half years. All right. Then I was in New York for nine, almost ten. Really? Yeah. It was in New York hitting the pavement. Banging it out. What clubs were you working?

I was doing all. all of them and I ran my own shows. I used to bartend and I would run a show at the bar I was bartending at, have all my friends come and like I'd do the shift on Tuesday and then afterwards I would do the stand-up thing. And then I just ran shows. I did my own shows. I would bark people in. I did that for years.

I would just ask any bar. I'm like, hey, can we do comedy? I fucking asked everybody. That's how you have to do it. That's the only, and they don't even know. Yeah. I just need a microphone and turn your light towards the corner. We'll figure it out.

Yeah. And I did a lot of road, like, just bullshit shows where I'm getting paid. Dick, nothing. Dick and hot dogs. $50. Yeah. Not even breaking even. You're coming out of pocket.

No, no, no. You're driving six hours. I would do that. You know, I'd do all that, like, Jersey and all those, like, areas that surrounded New York. I'd do all the- Roger Paul. Yeah. Roger Paul, the $50.

Fucking. Come on. Come back to the office on Monday. You're your 45 hours. I took my commission out of there. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah. You're opening for places.

You're going to weed. I would call him, and he'd get me fucking gings. He'd get you, death gags. Fucking horror. Those are the most important ones. Those are the most important ones. Horror. He got me Wilkesbury, Pennsylvania from Linda Raw.

I did that. I love all those gings. You know what, man. You ever do the masons? Mason's. Like, there's one place in Pennsylvania, huge, like, Masonic Temple. No, I didn't do that.

When I did the Connecticut place with the animals in the room, they're doing stage, and they got fucking bears. behind you. It's like the hunters in Connecticut. They called me the last minute, the headline there. And whenever I go to New York, I call bookers and just go, listen, I'm in town. What you got? What you got? They go,

we have nothing. And by Thursday night, they're calling you with the worst gig out of the whole lineup. Like Friday night in Baltimore, you're going to pick up $2.25, but you're not going to get paid until you come to my office Monday. One time I came all the way back and fucking Roger Paul

kept telling me that he didn't send me the check. I sent My friend Jimmy Berkel, he worked over there. And I said, Jimmy, just go to this place and pick up the money. I don't even want to keep it. I owe it to you. I didn't want the money. I just wanted the principal. Yeah.

He got me a gig once on a Disney bus going from Seacucus, New Jersey, to New York City 42nd Street to tell jokes in the back of the fucking bus. After snort and blow all fucking night. The night before that, I was in Hooligans, New Jersey. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You have no fucking idea. Ladies and gentlemen, when you do comedy...

You do it wherever you can. You do comedy, dog. And the people were not doing this shit. I'm not even talking. You're not even ready for a cruise ship. Cruise ship is right before you're going to shoot yourself. You go on a cruise ship. That's what you do then.

I'm talking about early on. They put us on a bus at 7 in the morning. Like people were going to Good Morning America, those assholes. And I'd be back there talking about eating pussy and fucking do a ball the night before. What else I got? Yeah. He would tell me the word clean. Fuck you.

And they would just stare at me. You did 15 minutes. Then somebody else did 15. Then you sat in the back of the bus. And then you just said. That's amazing. And they put more people in and you do the same thing going back to Jersey. That was one morning.

I mean, that, you know, that just builds, that just builds, like, scar tissue. It's like you perform and you do gigs like that. And you remember that, you remember those moments. Like, you can feel old cut. Like, you remember that scar, you can feel that scar tissue and you're like, yo, who else has done stuff like that? The funny thing is that when you're doing that part of stand-up at that time, you're always carrying a little bit of pain from your past.

And now this new pain you're encountering makes that old pain go away or lessen a lot. Yeah. Because it's not really... Lee and I have had a thousand conversations about money and this and that. And I don't think Lee understands that for 18 years before the podcast, what I went through, what he went through, what a comic goes through. I didn't go through the same luck than a lot of other comics had. I came here when I was 32. You're longed the tooth.

Nobody wants you from Montreal. And you're at the store banging it out, you know. And all those years, I still remember David Tell coming up to me in Miami and going, I wish I would have gone on as a feature act. I would have had a following now because all those people really remember you as a feature act. And then they're proud of you. You become a headliner. Now they're proud of you.

It's like you become a piece of them that they've been there. since day one. And I try to explain the people that even this podcast, this podcast, which made it easier, is our years of busting our ass and awkward situations. You know, it's like me going to do Jitoo every day and going to listen. Today we're going to start with you on top of me with your knee in my fucking throat. And I got to get out of this.

That's stand up every fucking day. That's stand up every day. A 400-pound guy on top of you with his elbow in your fucking throat. Lee, how are you feeling over there? He's flying high. It's different. It's different than edibles. I don't feel like as like out.

You look like a newborn baby. Yeah. Take another animal. You look good. It's doing good for you. Yeah, you look like a pregnant woman. Like in the face. Let's get you a little.

Let's get you a little nug. Look at this one. This is perfect for you. His eyes aren't open anymore, Joe. That's the goal of the show. That's when you know the show has come to a screecy. His eye is not open. He's turning his head back like Owen Benjamin in the first 20 minutes.

His eyes. They're even open. Every time I look over, you want to wake up a little bit. Eat this little stem right here. This is a special. It looks like a Simpsons character. You're going to give them this thing? Yeah, we're all going to do a little.

No, me and Lee are going to do another little stemmy poop. It smells weird. What? It smells like my toe from that fungi. It does smell like your toe. Yeah, it does. It does smell like my tail. I mean, I don't know what your toe smells like that.

I have a fungi toe. When I cut the toenails off, I sniff the toenails. It's horrible. My dad has got that. His feet look like, he looks like a goddamn gargoyle from the shins down. Oh, my God. He looks like he belongs perched on a building. My front toe and the second toe, all the rest of the fucked up, right?

Fucked up the first two. I got to sprinkle shit in there. Why do you do Lhotriman or whatever that? I do. I do every day. And the nail starting to crumble. They're crumbling. The other day, I got this fucking blow torts when they blow torts the fungus on.

I went on Groupon and you go to Ventura Boulevard and some little black lady with goggles on fucking takes blow torch with cold air. Yeah, yeah, it's liquid nitrogen. She starts blow torching your toe. You see the steam coming out of your toe, and then all of a sudden, she's blowing cold air, so you don't feel it. It hurts the second time. You're like, ah, it just burns a little bit. It hurts kind of nice.

Yeah, Lee, eat that fucking time. Lee. It's time. I already ate mine two times. He's over here eating them like their chocolate chips. That's how we do here on the chairs. Chew it. Get the vitamins on it with the Indians putting the real ones.

Just don't throw up. Please don't throw up. Drink some water. He got the cap on. Oh, all right. Oh, no. It's a good Monday night here on the church tonight, people. You're going to be fuck up.

Fucking 300 milligrams of gazunder beans. His face has changed shape. That's my boy. He's a fucking, listen. This kid's a Jewish. Do you take mushrooms too? I took three of them. No, no, no, you did.

I've never done them. I got to go half a desert moment. I can't give her no mushrooms. I'm going to go up. my desert moment. She was 110 pounds with a rock in her pocket. I will shit my pants. Yeah, that's the other thing it makes you do. Take a shit. That's why I got

a big, I got a fast system. I'm like, I'm like a kidney pig. It goes right through you. Once this thing cultivates in your stomach, you want to be killing that fucking bathroom late. You're going to be blowing it up? Blowing it up. Dioria, a little at little. Are you okay, Lee? Are you having like an out-of-body experience right now?

Lee's been having out-of-body experiences for four years now. Doesn't he look like a newborn baby? I bet them smoke the hash out of the can. It changed this whole fucking life. You look so happy, Lee. That's not bad. That's because you're here.

Oh, my God. So how did MTV come aboard? Ten years of failure. They came knocking, you showcase. Yeah, I just was, you know, they keep their eyes on comics in New York. And, you know, doing my thing, working. And I was out there auditioning and doing all that.

And I went in for it. And it just, it fit my personality, because I just say how I feel and that's the basis of the show you know that that's the whole show Is it still on TV? I don't think so no I left it for the second season How many seasons were?

I think four I left after two And it's fucked up because people give like that show And like a lot of the shows like a bad name But like even when I was growing up like best week ever I was a high schooler It was fun People like to talk shit about anything

They can talk shit about People are afraid People don't like success And when something is success They got to chop it down because they fear failure in themselves. It's just a human, it's human nature to do that. And to be honest, I became fans of Doug Benson and I think Pete Holmes was on the show too. On the Girl Code.

No, no, no, on Best Week Ever. So it's just like the same thing. You never went in for any of that stuff on like VH1 or MTV? No. One time they called me, I didn't want to do that. Do you ever get shit for doing kid movies? No, no, whatever looks at. I don't know.

I rather do that than do a fucking The best week of Yeah That's how I always felt Yeah you had do what you want to do One time when I went to New York They asked if I want to audition for it And I said no

I also did the audition for the soprano It's the first time They fucking the first time My manager at the time was worthless I'm in New York And he calls me This is a show on HBO The sopranos

You would have been fucking Looking for people like you I'm like I'm not going to New York And dropping the tape off This manager was terrible If he was good I would have fucking drop him You would have gotten the wall

I read the second season. It didn't get it. I read for the detective because at first they wanted the undercover cop to look like pussy. Right. So I went in there. And then I read for the part of Bacala. I read for the part of Gigi. Wow.

He let me read. He liked me, but I just couldn't nail the rolls. I wasn't ready as an actor. I was still, the paper would shake and shit. Auditioning is a fucking nerve-wracking process. It was for a while. for me and then I flipped that stand-up into it and then. That's smart.

Then I treated it like stand-up. I put it, I put the, not the dramatic side of the theater into it, but the dramatic side of stand-up. That's smart. I always won the conversation. I always do three reads. I control the audition. I always do three reads.

Do one for them and one for me and one together. Right. Let's see how it sounds like together. Because I can tell you to go first. fuck yourself in 18 different ways. Yeah. That's how I used to look at those sheets. I always read the sheets and say, what's he trying to say?

Because once you know what he's trying to say, you can say whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. When I come to the final conclusion, and I hit my marks at every level. Yeah. So that's when I started booking. Once I got, I added the dramatic side of stand-up. That's smart. Stand-up as your core.

Stand-up as a dramatic side to it. Yeah, because when you do stand-up like that. That means you're telling the truth. So I flipped that into it and it became a lot easier in auditions and I started ripping auditions apart to the point where I didn't like the movie. I just wanted to book the job just to prove my point. I'll turn down the fucking movie because that's the shitty part is the working unless it was a scale movie or above. Right. All those other ones, I would just go in there for practice.

That's smart because that's that's the only practice you can get is putting yourself in those scenarios. TV shows, same thing. I got it down to a science. For five or six years, you auditioned in this town for, you went in for the audition, then you went to the producer session. Then you had to count nine or ten, you had to go to a producer session again.

So early on, I figured out I had to have three auditions for them, one better than the other, and a little bit more on each time to push the envelope because they could always tell you to back your speed up, but they can never tell you to give more. Yeah. So I would always be a little over the top,

just to contradict the director. So the director would have to tell me, And it shows like a foul direction. I was always good a final direction backwards, not front words. So you figure these fucking things out. And pretty soon you're going in there. It's like picking off. I was picking them off everywhere, law and order SUV.

I was just picking them off. Special victim. Bam. How I met. Your mother, I destroyed them without even reading a line. My ball fell out. The pants ripped. I didn't wear underwear.

My ball fell out. And I asked them if they say the ball. Doom. There's a science to auditioning where you don't even after audition. I've been on three or four auditions. I didn't read the sheet. Really? Just fucked them up from, you know, I went to another pilot audition one

time where the guy was, he was a real hillbilly in Philly. You know, like a real yokel. Yeah. So this guy had, you know, he had a pool in his front yard that he was filling up for his kid while he was frying hot dogs.

So who does that? You know what I'm saying? So I said, fuck it. I wanted to do with a bikini. the underwear where it was sweatpants and the Lord was in my corner. I walked in when I walked in and I gave us a minute they turned around right there I dropped my pants. I took my jacket off and had a short shirt with my stomach coming out of the bottom. So when they turned around they were like that and I made believe I was cooking and I go living

like a doctor. Boom! It wasn't, they wanted the dude to say like, you know, hi, I'm over here having a great time come over and people look at them like, who's that fucking guy? No, if you come out of your house and I look, you straight in the face, and I got a hot dog in a fork, and I got a hose, and I'm filling up a pool, and I got a thong on with no shirt on, and I'm looking at you, like, living like a doctor, you're going to go, look at that crazy motherfucker. He doesn't even have a backyard. He's got a four-by-four front yard. In his world, this is a touch. A four-by-forefront yard.

Yeah, in his world, this is a movie named 29th Street. No. See if it's on what they have on 29th Street. She's one of the best films ever. Because it's Danny Aiello as a dad. And he raises Anthony Lumpaglia. And he has to, then they move. But he had a little front lawn, like a typical Italian, four by four.

And every day he'd be out there watering it, talking about the Kentucky. And the whole family would go, Dad, stop already with the fucking lawn. He had a four by four lawn. He's proud of it. But to his world, it was fucking, he'd roll up his pants. Four by four. What's the big fucking drama? But in his world, you know.

Danny I. L. used to have a comedy club I performed at. In Hoboken. There is right there, dog. That movie is such a good... It's called 29th Street. 29th Street. I'm going to have to watch it. Lee, what the fuck?

You're sitting there? You think I made you go to it? Sit here. What the fuck is it went up on that screen? Let's see what we got here in the beginning of this shit. Make it move a little, Lee. You're going to make me sit here? What is this?

What is this? Go, we hear it. Oh, my God. Look at movies. Oh, that's right. Remember this? This is a true thing. This is about a lottery ticket.

And a guy who wins the lottery, but he didn't want to. He won it and didn't want to. You know who wrote this movie? Who? Joe Pesh. Joe Pesh was the dude that says, what do you think you're dealing with, Joey Bananas? Yeah.

Midnight Run. And he was also in 40 hours. He was in the beginning of 40 hours, negotiate with Eddie Murphy. Leave this. Oh, okay. Leave this. What the fuck? In the beginning, he's negotiating with Eddie Murphy in the truck. That's Joe Pash. Joe Pash sold this movie.

Wow. This is a fucking, and it's a true story. I worked with Joe Pash. He was in New Orleans with Stallone when I shot that boxing movie, and he gave me a big hug. He still remember me and shit. Joe Pash is a great dude. He's been in a fucking, look Joe Garriziolla. Look it. Click it, Lee. Right there.

From here? Yeah. Right there. Tony Serri... No, no, no, no. Right there. Click it. Open it up. Let it play. Let it play. Look at this shit.

Fast little bit jam. I took his acting fucking class at UCLA for 200 bucks. My wife gave it to me for my birthday. We could barely pay rent. She paid 200 bucks for the acting seminar by this guy. That's sweet. This is why he also cast Hannibal. He cast fucking, oh shit.

He cast Godfather 2. He cast Sleepers. He cast Donnie Brasco. This dude's the fuck Frank Pesh was one of the executive producers. See if he starts in the beginning. Let's see. Look at how old these movies are. This has to be, yeah.

I saw this one night by mistake. I cried. Everybody who I've turned this movie, and it's on once a year on that Chicago channel. WGN. WGN. WGN. Now fast forward this a little bit.

I'll tell you the way because they gets arrested right there. No, no, no, keep going back a little bit, keep going back. Keep going back. Keep going back, keep going back. Right there. Right there. This is a tremendous fucking movie. If you want to cry. Like already, I'm like, oh, fuck.

God damn it. Look at Danny Iello. This is way before I do the right thing, guys. if you watch this at home if you want to fucking cry you watch this goddamn movie when he saw us for the first time my brother my sister me with the hot dog oh oh 20 minutes from here to radio city you don't want nothing let's walk let's go let's go about eight blocks right yeah but we're gonna see student friends I was younger my dad used to always seem like this giant to me this guy who knew

everything about it. Are you crying, Joey? Oh, yeah. No, I'm more high. That. All right. What's that? What's that say? Well, that says today is President Eisenhower's birthday. I want to get my name up there. Well, I wouldn't want to have it any other way, Frankie, but only great people get their names up there. How can I get my name up there? You know, you've got to do something big, right? Very, very big. Hey, pop, how do I look at my name up there? This big? I guess that was something to make us wrong.

Did you ever do this club in a homebook? No, so it doesn't feel like a jerk for having you. And I figured, if I could get my name up on that building, at least I could have left some kind of mark on the world. Now, in my neighborhood, there's two ways to make it. One's a right way. And the other way is the fast way. And I've got to tell you, the fast way looked pretty attractive to me as a kid.

Wow. Look at that. What's the matter? This guy... He's... Let's fast forward. Fast forward just late. Don't even...

You fast falling. He's going to get Dr. Dre. Not that much. Not that much, but he gets a little older. This is hysterical, right? Police just took his earphones off and he wants to quit and shit. He's like, I'm done. You want to smoke some pot?

Not really. Really? I don't know. I was for a far. Because you need to calm that savagogy. Especially when my dad lost his truck. His eyes are a little more open. Oh, no, they're no. He's all right.

He needs a milkshake. We'll get him the milkshake. He'll be fine. Milk shake. Love milkshake. Love milkshake. You'll be fine. Trust.

That milkshake, such a straight? Oh, milk shakes. When has a milkshake not set you straight? Yeah, it's true. A milkshake straightens you're right to fuck out. Shut this shit off. Let me give him some shoutouts, and we'll get everybody to fuck out of here. We'll get everybody to fuck out of him.

Mushrooms. He's seeing devils and shit. I'm going to have to put Led Zeppelin on and show me. Please don't do that. Some fucking no quarter in this motherfucker. Oh, my God. When I get on this fucking girl code, you're on there for two years. What made you move to LA?

E network plucked me from MTV. Okay. And it was a very, it was hard at the end with MTV. Everything got very contentious. So I chose E over MTV. And I did an overall deal with them for a year, trying to make shows. But Chelsea was doing her thing on Stern, talking crap and uh you know um joan passed away joan rivers passed away and the head of e got fired so

all these transitional things happened while i was with the network trying to build a show and so i sort of was under rug swept it was a great learning experience for a year i was working my ass off i shot a ton of pilots they were very you know accepting but it just with they were plug in too many holes so it wasn't you know the best timing for me but i learned a lot and shot a lot of pilots and worked my fucking ass off. And now I'm just a free agent just out there on the road a lot doing stand-up. Why are you smiling?

You're smiling at me. I'm just smiling because I know you're liking it. I love it. I know you're out there. It gets tough at times. It gets lonely. It's hard for a woman. It's hard for a fucking man. You know, it's hard for everybody. I'm not even saying that in the wrong way. It's just hard. It is. I have had a couple female comedians tell me

it ages you with it. Every comic has a different take on it. but we all know it's like cigarettes it's like Chinese food it's like cocaine it's like McDonald's we know but it ain't that bad for you no it's not that bad for you but it's it ain't that bad for you so it's all bullshit I mean I feel very lucky I feel very fortunate to be doing this at this age and still being relevant and cracking jokes and fucking around with kids half my age I love it for me that's what makes me get on the planes you know I can't do every week into the world

tours I used to do, but I could do 24, 20 weeks a year. That's good. That's good. You know, take December off. Why fucking kill you? After the first week of December, there's no reason to go out there. It's all Christmas parties and shit. After Christmas, that week I told you, if it's local, if you're going to go cross-country, don't think about it.

Tell them no. I'm not going. You always see those people, Christmas time, you get your feet up, and they're at the airport. And you're like, look at those assholes. It's worse when you're one of those assholes. When you're traveling during that time, it's so stressful. After the 12th of December, there's no traveling. I'll see you January 20.

You've worked enough. Gets you six weeks and it gets away that cold weather out of the way. Yeah, you don't want to travel during that shit. You know, well, it's a great weekend, the first weekend afternoon. You send your mother. Send your mother to go with a fucking bikini with a wig to dance down there. See how good it is. Yeah, see how good it is.

Have fun down there. That second, third week of January, it eases up. The money eases up. Yeah. People start getting the credit card bills. They've been in the house for three fucking weeks. Now you start going out. But they go out New Year's weekend, the fourth people, 25, two drink minimum.

Leave them at home. Yeah. Leave me at home. I don't want to attack my peeps like that. They're fucking family. These people go to shows. Yeah, they are. So I don't really want to.

They're broke. They're still fucking recovering from the holidays. You're going to show up with a big dick. Hi, I'm here. Scrap of stupid jokes. And you didn't sell as, you didn't sell as many tickets as you did last time. Yeah, because I was there a year ago. Right.

With the same fucking stupid jokes. The same persona. Get me out of there for 18 months. Make them want me back. Let them see ten people Yeah, that's the all these variables. You know, I've been here for years and when I got here at Gersh had the majority of the great comics. Slatons, the, the Jewish chick, the Wendy Leibman's, the fucking Slatins, the fucking Joe Rogans, Dave Chappelle, they had all those comics at the time, Pablo Francisco. Everybody was at Gersh. And one thing I noticed, they did their work schedules. And at the end of the week, after three years, years, you burn out. And now I can't really put them back out there.

I'm like the mafia. I want you to pay me every month a little bit. Yeah. I don't want to pay you money. Just give me five points of your action. I'd rather milk it and be around for seven, eight years. Ralphie Mae. I feel a little burnout.

Well, last comic standing in 2005. Ralphie Mae goes 45 weeks a year since 2005. That's just, that's, you're asking, you're killing yourself. You're killing yourself. You're killing yourself. It's taking care of yourself. It's cleaning out your mind, you know, having another hobby. You know, for me, people get mad at me.

You come to Pittsburgh, do my podcast. No. When I do comedy, I do comedy. What's your other hobby? Podcasting. Yeah. So Monday and Wednesday, I do podcast. I do one set.

Tomorrow night, I do, I tape that for all right, but usually Tuesdays, I go to flappers and a store. One set. It's not my focus. My focus is this. You put, and you got to put energy to it. Wednesday, as soon as we say, check it out, it's over. that's it. I don't even take a podcast no more.

If I do your podcast, like I said last week, you got to pick me up, take me to the location. That's an hour, half hour. I got to meet your buddy, smoke a joint, seem interested. Now you took two and a half hours out of my day and I got two shows on a Friday. Yep, it's smart.

Now I'm bobbing the first show because I talk shit for you for three fucking hours about nothing. Somebody that's not going to listen to anything. You know, why am I doing this? It has nothing to do with my mission here. Yep. So when I rock, I rock.

You gotta save the energy for you. And when I roll, I motherfucker'n' roll. Tell them, Lisa. What? I want to thank my main man, Cron Moses, and his beautiful wife. They brought me a CD. Lindian Miller and Steve, my man showed up heavy duty. Mark Thomas.

My man from North Bergen, Danny Bianculo, Don Rangler, John Harris. Happy birthday to Bob Lingu's mom. Primo Pacheco on 100. 555th Street and O'Gringo, a roho, making it fucking happen over there. So what you get the paperwork for me, Lee? What are you doing? How you doing? Look at the shape of Lee Sayat tonight.

Lee is the color of a peach. Lee is on fucking fires. His face looks like a fruit. I went to the beach and I put sunscreen on three times in three hours. You did. And I'm just so white that nothing, I just can't go anywhere. You are pretty pale. Yes.

That's very. I'm olivey compared to you. So what's your next plan, Jessum, where you? you're looking to do promote your own show produce your own show now yeah i'm i'm writing three different shows just to get out there and pitch them and sell them and i'm taking you're gonna be proud of me you ready yeah i'm taking eight weeks off of the road eight weeks and what are your plans i'm taking yeah after philadelphia i have maybe seven weeks off i have two weeks off in june i go to vegas and joe i'm doing the eighth with joe that's one nine i come right back

I go to surgery in Monday. July. Maybe I'll go and check you guys out. July 8th on a Friday night before UFC 200. I've been trying to catch you guys. Monday I come Sunday, Saturday I come back. I don't even stay for the fights. Yeah.

I'm with my family Sunday. Monday I go over to the hospital. They break my nose. They clear out the old Coke rocks. And I'm breathing by fucking two weeks later. I'll do the ice house. And then I do Denver, Oklahoma, casino. I do something else.

Nashville. Nashville. Then I got like three weeks off. Then I go to New York and Austin. Then I got two weeks off. And I go to, I need my time. I need my time. My family, I need my time to live my life.

I like the road. I love performing. I love taking pictures. I don't sell shirts. I just hang out with people afterward. But you have to live. And I know that the more towns I do, the quicker my exit from what I'm doing.

Then the club start calling you and say, listen, only 10 people showed up. We want you to come in here for $3 and a fucking. and dream and that's what a lot of comedians are living through now you know for the guys that are selling tickets you have to be very grateful because it's a short window yeah and the other comics are there's a lot of comics who aren't selling tickets yeah and they still go in there and they fucking cling it up you know i always use david tell people don't want to go see david tell no more he's probably the best comic working he's one of the best comics out there just because you're

not popular it doesn't mean you're good meanwhile you're wasting your fucking hard-ed-money but i want to see some fucking fake fucking comic from some stupid fucking TV show. That's never done stand-up in his life, but David Teller is starving up there in Long Island. That really starving, but nobody's going to see him. He's a great talent because we have trends and we have who's hot and who's not hot. Pop culture. And pop culture. And the industry pushing up.

And I do the same thing. We're music. I've said it a thousand times. I don't want to go see Sabbath. And Rudy Sarzo sat there and said, why not? They've been doing it for 40 years now. How good are they? And if you look at Sabbath, if you look at fucking all the Sabbath tapes on you.

on YouTube. It's not Ozzy that sounds spectacular. It's Sabbath that sounds. It's Tony Ionia. He's a butler. Ozzy sounds like he's screaming through a hemorrhoid storm. Ozzy sounds like fucking Ozzy, you know, and you don't know who's singing. Last night I watched those American music awards. I watched bits and pieces. I was sitting there trying to kill time. I just want, listen, you're old. You don't know what's really happening. I was embarrassed for America last night. You were? I was really embarrassed. Well, Britney Spears is lip-sinking. You look at Britney Spears. She's sold a lot.

It was pretty obvious. She sold 140 million albums. Somebody bought these albums. Now, I'm not here to criticize nobody, but I don't know if you people know this. The studio, she's Madonna Jr. What somebody didn't know all those years is Madonna couldn't sing and she proved it last night. Did you hear her singing Purple Rain? Oh my God. Was it bad? It's fucking horrid. It was fucking horrid. See if you find Madonna Purple Rain. Do you want to help? Oh, we're definitely going to hear anything. You know, you're definitely going to hear of. to who gives a fuck do you want me to help you type it you gotta see what should i was such madonna madonna and stevie won the prince tribute wait to you fucking see this thing and it just wasn't her

justin biba was lip syncing because they move they're doing that same rhythm nation they're all doing the same rhythm nation i told my wife rhythm nation came out in what 92 it's 2016 you're still going out with that same you know 16

dances flying to the fucking air i just I want to see you sing and see your lip-fucking move. Where's my money going? Where the fuck is my money going? I got up on a fucking thing like a witch with fire, like some, I don't need that. She looks like me. She's 80 pounds overweight pink and she wants to be an acrobat. Give it a fucking breather.

Then that Adele, who's also another fucking fake. She can't sing here. Is this it here? We got to play this. Go. I know, tell us about Adel. Yeah, what about Adele? That fucking cheeseburger eating.

Fuck. Go, go. Leave. Wait till you see this. shit. Oh, God. I'm so... Wait till you hear her fucking voice.

Look at what she looks like, for starters. She looks like a Muppet. Look at it. Look at it. Look at her. Look at her. Now, I love Madonna. I bought the first three fucking albums.

I love like a virgin. But a lot of people got a big surprise and they went to see it. She can't sing. It was all fucking studio thing. Look at it. Look at it. Are you fucking crazy? And you got Stevie Wonder. He's like, why am I here?

He looks like Marlon Brand on Apocalypse Now. Look at. I don't even know what the fuck he's at. He's like, I didn't even like motherfucking prince. That little motherfucker fucking word of all, thank you. Horrible. Horrible. Turn this shit off.

Horrible. Oh, my God. That's so bad. Why are we applauding mediocrity? Because that's what we're doing now. This was so fucking bad. That's what's happening in this culture. Everything is so bad and we're clapping our hands and we're like yay.

And what I'm trying to say is if the more you, you know, the more you go to these Captain Marvel movies, the more they're going to keep making. You're supporting that monster machine. Stupid shit, that killing everything. And you sit there and go, who goes to see these fucking things? Anyway, what cities are you going to next? Are you fucking sexy savage you? I don't even know. I'm done for a while, man.

I'm done. Like Lee. I'm done for a lot. You're here for the next eight weeks. I'm going to be, I'll be in Long Island at the end of July. I'm going to be in Mohegan Sun the first few days of September. But other than that, for the summer, I'm buckling down and I'm writing the shows I really want to work on. Because I want to create my, you know, write my own shit, do something I want to do.

I'm not chasing. I'm not out there to be rich. I'm not out there to be famous. I'm out there just to bring my truth to people. And hopefully they want it. You know, I don't want to be up there telling some dumbass jokes because people, you know what I mean? Like, I want to speak my truth. I don't want to be a people pleaser.

I just want them to like the way I present it. I don't want to present it in a way that I think other people are going to pay me for. Does that make sense? Am I really fucking high? No, no, no, both. Both. Right now we're working on two fucking hours. Let me wrap this up here.

Listen, man, I've been trying to get you on for a while. We're fucking up for you. You always welcome here. You're family. You did great to learn. I had a great time talking about you. I love you, too. Our first sponsor is on it, always on fucking point.

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keep doing? Because we're just eating little ones. It doesn't even like a cute fetus? I had to open up a word document and the numbers are all the jumbled up. Okay. Look at his little left hand. It's all retarded.

You see he's got the little... He's got the hook. Next thing that was going to go with that guy and kill his girlfriend. Oh shit. Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. Anyway, go to honor.com right now and press in, hit itly.

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I got to think about what the fuck. You need two pounds of mushrooms. You ate fat. You ate a human. How much do we? A human size amount of, like a whole human worth of mushrooms. You literally, every time I look at you, you look like the different phase of life. Like the younger phases.

You were like a, you look like a pregnant woman in the face, and now you look like a fetus. Anyway, let me fucking do this shit, and we'll talk all night. I tell you, one hobby I was trying to do is get to wine. A couple of years ago, I don't know nothing about wine. I want to get into wine. The problem is I don't know none about it. I tried cabanets and pinos, but I couldn't find anything that I liked at the store. Then I tried this Club W.

These people approached me, and they said, take a look at it. And I said, no, at first. But I went online, and it's a wine club that gives you wine recommendations based on what you like to eat or drink. They've got a thing that you attest, a little simple, six-question, pallet quiz that asks you questions like, how do you take your coffee? Or do you like berries? Club W that matches you with the wine. wine that you're guaranteed to love because it's tailored to your unique taste.

And not only that, they deliver this wine to your house. It's great wine. It's very cheap. It's fast. Like, I ordered some, a couple weeks ago, and it's there in, like, three days. What? Not even. And it's, like, I got a really good Pinot Noir. It was, like, one of the fancy ones.

And I got some other, like, some other white ones for Paula. And they're great. They're great. And they're, and if you do four boxes, I mean, four bottles, sorry. They cover the shipping. That's not a bad deal. But what makes Club W different, okay?

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So do yourself a favor, right? Do me a favor. Go to ClubW. ClubW is off from my listeners, $20 off your first order when you go to clubw.com slash Joey. Again, right now, ClubW is offering listeners. Churchill, what's happening now, $20 off your first order when you go to clubw.com slash Joey.

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It's going to be the best choice you've made in years. I want to thank Clubbw. I'm going to thank honor.com. I want to thank my main girl, Jesume Paluso, for coming on and just talking shit. Thank you, sir. Trying to promote dumb shit. She was a fucking great guest.

Just trying to live my life. And my man Lysayat for always being a soldier. He's over there nodding and fucking foaming on himself. He fell asleep in the middle. I know, please. He fell asleep a couple times. I was in the way. Yes, you were.

You were fucking drooling. You saw you're making those noise. You look good, though. You were making those, be, beep, beep, beep, beep. Yeah, he was. How many tacos are you going to eat tonight? How many potato tacos you're going to eat? Milkshake, milkshake.

What did you eat for dinner? A turkey sandwich? What did you for dinner? I had some mac and cheese. Mac and cheese. Oh, I mean mac and cheese. Oh, did you fucking milk? And she dope it up?

Yeah, it was really good. What she doped up? What was like the cheddar cheese that Terry did? and then are the breadcrumbs. Oh, shit. And that's all you ate, nothing else. No steak, no steak, pizza, no, no, no steak, pizza at all, nothing?

No, I don't have any steak. He just carved it up, the chicken breast. I knew it's going to be a heavy night. It's going to be a heavy night. That's right. It's got heavier, cocksucker. All right, you church motherfuckers. I'll see you Wednesday night.

8 p.m. will be back. I'll be at the Funny Bone in Nebraska. Are you fucking kidding me or what? The Omaha Funny Bone. June 10th and 11th and I'm at the Philadelphia motherfucking helium two weeks later Figure it out like the 25th for some shit I don't have the dates Enched in my fucking brain That's a great club I love you jessimae

I love you I love you Joey Diaz I was looking at you for the first I'm like fucking jessima's beautiful you work with these girls you these sisters you don't look at You still looking at cheekbones and shit like Jesus fucking praise you're my brother I hear you that's why I love you baby girl thank you very much for coming on the church thank you guys for listening I'll see you guys Wednesday and they stay black. This show was brought to you by ClubW. Right now, ClubW is offering our listeners $20 off of your first order when you go to

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to save 10% off all the great optimization products like alpha brain, new mood, shroom tech immune, and shroom tech sport. Lee, kick that fucking meal, cock sucker. My boys don't play fool. Yonkers sipping purple chongles. Don't look for trouble, but it always seems like to find us. Grip and panties sipping and it seems right behind us.

Quick left, one blow, K-O. Hit the road to the next episode. In the saga. Of a few fellas, oh what the hell, I guess I better tell ya, it's Friday night I got a brand new kit on. A fence a he for me to get bent on. Here's the culture called to pick up MLA West. Back to the hotel. Back to the telly.

Hooked it up, told her meet me at the hotel. She had a friend with her, so I call T.L. Sooved me up, so try and make it real quick. Get some gum and some tic-tacks, two tall cans, and a pack of lock jacks. We got the goods, now we're heading for the hole down. There goes a telly. So fella wants to telly. fella won't just snow down. Park the ride in the front like a sick one. Just in case we gotta bust a quick one.

Lock the load. Let's go look for like 118. Ballet low, because I really don't want to be seen. Is this the one? Oh yeah, that's the right one. I got the black rod and you got the white one. So hit the like, man. I just might, man. Try and throw this thing all night and get her so sprung, then she'll drop some mail so I can cut turf and hit another hotel.