The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #383 - Theo Von

Episode Date: May 26, 2016

Theo Von, Comedian who special "No Offense" is available on Netflix, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order.   Tracker - Go to Thetracker.com and use code word "church" for 30% off of your entire order.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 05/25/2016.
  

Did the mushrooms make you shit? I don't know. Just because they're vegetables or because they're psychedelics? I'm the wrong person to ask. I'm finding out with you. This show is brought to you by Tracker. Never lose anything again with Tracker. Listeners to this show, the church of what's happening now,

get a special discount of 30% off of your entire order. That's right. 30% off of your entire order. Just go to TheTracker.com. T-H-E-Tracker. dot com and enter promo code church that's right that's the tracker.com

t h hed tracker.com and enter promo code church to get 30% off of your entire order and the show is brought to you by helix sleep helix sleep allows you to get a custom mattress online for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands go to helixleep.com slash joey

i'm doing good can you guys believe it i like this is the best i've ever done i'm not happy Go to helixleksleep.com and get $50 off of your order. That's helixleck.com You're reading like the smartest brother in junior high. I was always really excited to me. Go to helixlekslep.com slash joey to get $50 off your order.

That's helixlecksleep.com slash joey and go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain and New Mood. Damn, I think I got Alpha Brain right now, bro. You better put a track on your fucking dome, Lee Syatt. You're losing ground player. Oh shit. Oh, shit. You have no fucking idea what cave you walked into.

It's the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Kick that mulee. Riefer. Mushrooms. Edibles. Laughter. Laptor. Get your shit together, motherfuckers.

Wednesday, May 25th, you are here. The day the devil was buried, raped, given a Cosby pill, and fucked in the ass. What's happening, gentlemen? Amen, brother. It's that type of party tonight, Theo Vaughn in the house. We're putting the devil to sleep. Lee Syatt with his little blue shirt on tonight. Looking beautiful.

We've got a Lee in training. He fucked himself last week. Why did I fuck my husband? You know that happened. Me, me, my girlfriend, we ate like four stars. I go, Lee, you're in training. Yeah. You cannot go backwards when I'm out of town.

Yeah. So he fucked up for two nights, I had to kick up the milligrams and bringing mushrooms and hash and fucking. Just for the record. He's up tonight. What he's saying is that on Saturdays when I take 500. 500. You're in training. I get it.

This is punishment. You're in training. You're in training. You got to go up to 8,900 because all week we're flying with 8,900. You're letting your tolerance. Yeah, bro. That's okay. It's all right.

son. That's okay. They don't give a fuck. They just want us to keep eating the fucking stars. I'm never going to stop eating stars. No, they're delicious. They're delicious, nutritious, nutritious. And they take you for the fucking psychological ride of your life. Theo Vaughn, what is it, baby? I'm here, man. I'm freaking here, dude. I'm trying to keep the devil out of my system, bro. But he's here. Those mushrooms are fucking calling you and shit. I'm feeling positive, dude. Ape me a little stem. I'm right. I think I might need another, bro. Just to get daddy, you know, just to get the fucking devil off my neck, son. Little ones with a little. There you go, huh? Something. This little torch, bro.

This little baton. We think about this little black one, Lee's losing. That's the longest one. That's the longest one in the bag. That was the main one under the shit. We're not even, it's a shit. We're breaking that one and a half feet. No, you're even the worst half.

How are you giving a fuck? Cheers, bro. Yeah. Cheers, your little fucking month. Come on, Lee. Get your brain up, man. You already. Jesus.

Lee looks fucked. Your head is holding blood, bro. Your head's holding extra blood from your body, bro. That mushroom tastes terrible with this shit, and it. I let it sit in my gum for a minute. Jesus Christ. We're going to see some psilocybin shit. The church of what's happening now.

You never know what's going to happen. We might eat a mushroom. We might fucking eat acid. We might just do an edible. We might just be ourselves. You know what I'm saying? Might eat ass, bro. And we might eat that.

Listen, all avenues are open on a Wednesday night. You should leave your fucking avenues open. I've been telling motherfuckers for years. I'll tell you what happened today. I had to go to Hollywood, the 430 Duari thing. I had to do the beginning of it because I didn't do it yesterday. At least I don't like this one. So what's happening now?

Yeah. So I get off the fucking 101. First of where I see two accidents on the 101. Back to back, Lee. Light day. Light day. Two dumb motherfuckers right in front of me went to get into the same lane. It was perfect.

It just went, bam. And then this idiot kept going and hit him. I went right around that fucking moron. You saw it happen? I saw it right in Brighton. That's beautiful. And people are like, call the police. I ain't calling nobody.

It's got nothing to do with Uncle Joey. I got shit to do with people to see. I got to get back in the HOV lane where shit is always cool. Let him fight. Let him gun each other down, bro. So then as I'm pulling off another motherfucker go straight, I mean, this guy shoots into the fucking lane of the people coming from, like, Universal City, off to Lancashire.

And he just shoots into that lane. Side swipes the motherfucker. I just went around in. It was like, like, like a one of his eight. I beeped at him, though.

I just beeped at him. Hey, they both looked at me like, what the fuck? I know you did. You always beep at him and you like wave? I wave both of me.

It's really messed up. You're beeping and then it's like, how the fucking waste? They just look at me like fucking. So I get off the fucking one of, I get off. I exit Lancashim and I go north on Lancashim and I make the fucking left on Magnolia

and I'm thirsty as, is fuck. I got 10 minutes to kill before I got to pick up the baby, so I go to 7-Eleven. As I walk into 7-1, it's bum day today at 7-11. Oh, yeah. It's fucking major league bug day. I got brothers out there out front? One brother. First of all, get him, dude.

Every black community, you've got to go to your local 7-Eleven. That's somebody's dad. That's somebody's uncle. That's somebody... Every any 7-Eleven, there's a brother out there right now. Go get him and bring him home. There was one brother. There was three white dudes, and there was a creepy white dude in the corner.

Oh, that's the worst. That guy. I come out and the simple brother says, hey, man, I'm having a rough time. Can you spare some change in the way out? Very polite. The three white guys are like, hey, hey, hey, we need money.

Can you help us? And the fucking moron just sat there talking to himself with his hand. He was like one of those language people. I don't know what the fuck he was saying. I go in, I get the water. You know what, man? I refrain from giving those people money because I saw that show where they stand on Laurel Canyon.

And then they fucking drive to their fucking BMW. They walk to the BMW with $200 and quarters and shit. You know, and I fucking had a dollar bill. I had 20s in the wallet, but I paid with an ATM. I don't know what? Oh, no, no, I paid, but I had a $3 bills. I bought the one water. And I had the $1.

And I said, you know what? I'm going to give it to the black dude. Okay. He went, brother, huh? Why? He was by the door, number one. He was polite. Right.

The three white dudes were young. Yeah. At that age, I was robbing motherfuckers. I refused to ask somebody, you know, a dinner or something, yeah, but not to stand in front of a fucking place. Three of them. Yeah. Not one of them. Three of them, you know, that's not necessary.

Three of you guys panhandling? Okay. How about one guy panhandles on the other two? Go mug somebody. Do something. You got to do something. Be proactive. Go to that diner across the street.

After the garbage out, do something. No, they were like expecting people to give it to them. And the other guy was just half-retarded. I'm going to give him a dollar to do what? to go over to the park and his head with a tree a thousand times. So I just gave it to the black guys. I'm getting the fucking car. The three white guys said shit to me.

Started saying racial shit. Really? Black dude got up and said, how about I like you three white motherfuck? Tremendous. I just saw two car accidents, and now I'm going to see one black dude go up against three young white dudes. The three young white dudes backed up.

Wow. Three fucking dudes backed up. They tapped out like Ted Cruz. Damn. They said, fuck it. We ain't fighting. Three white dudes, three little 19-year-old white dudes Against one black dude that was homeless, you know, he hadn't had a meal like an hour.

Oh, he got nothing to lose. And the three, and I sat in my car and I watched it. I told him three dudes to go fuck themselves. And they looked at me and the black guy continued at him. Wow. I just closed the car, open the window, and listen to it. And the three white dudes walked away. He just tuned in.

Fuck yeah. Bro, you never get to see a good fucking smack of root. No. Oh, not. Especially not on the West Coast, dude. You see a shooting or that's it. You see a lot more smack and smackaroos where you're from. Oh, down south.

I saw a brother take a bite out of a Vietnamese guy once, dude. Took a huge bite out of his fucking arm, bro. Me eating everything, bro, ripped it right out. The Vietnamese guy was, like, threatening him with all this karate shit and everything. And his brother described were fucking bit right into him, dude. Did you think about it? That's the way to do it. That stops karate all the time.

Because I don't care what type of karate you got, they got no defense for the bite. You know what I'm saying? Nobody got... Well, what if a motherfucker goes to bite you? Oh, my God. Hold on. I got to call the main jab in fucking Okinawa.

Hold on. Let me put my commoto on, dude. And they bite your ass, dude. And you remember that every time you try to fucking hug somebody, and you got a little divot in it? You know, you got a speed bump in your fucking hug. Why don't let Lee talk me into eat mushrooms on a Wednesday night? Look at your head, Lee.

You brought open your eyes, bro. I can't have him. What the fuck? Lee, you're already fucked up. You give me 800 before they were in training. I told you. When you go down to fuck, when you join the Marines, they're saying you to Miami.

You know, they're with a fucking seagull. No, they say you to fucking Paris Island debt. What Marines did they put in Lee in? My own private. This is the church. What's happening now, though?

I love it, bro. We've got our own Marines. They come in all shapes and sizes. Amen. Well, Lynn, listen me, man. He's got a use in the Marines. You know. No, I don't.

Yeah, Lee, we'll get three dudes to throw you to that fucking plate glass window With the guys in here You come flying through with a helmet You don't know what's damage you could do? Yeah. Lee, Lee, come out of it. Why are you going to throw me as? I was, I'm not sleeping.

I was just trying to imagine being like a human battering. Yeah, but you can do that. I could see that. We'll put some shoulder pads on you And a fucking helmet with no t-shirt on. You come through that window. You have no idea. You thought that black dudes get those three white kids.

You ain't seen nothing. yet with a swat stick on your forehead with a beard nobody's gonna stop you ain't up people will put their guns up and go now yeah yeah this guy's got a swat stick on his head with helmet and a fucking pair shoulder pants he he's showing up like he's got bad intentions yeah well oh you should run for governor in that outfit what's up will you have a good time last night i had a great time last night it was uh it's fun i've like i've been the last few times because we they've done i think they did one or two seasons of digital and then this is the third season

of like TV and it's just like the people I get to like I got to hang out with Steve Simone all night but then like I saw like Brian Regan was there which was cool and and Big Jay Ocason was there Good time last night. We're an Ari show? Yeah last night. A lot of people just hanging out. Yeah

you know and who else was there when Josh Adam Myers had like six bitches with him. Ah. Eating fucking uh uh, uh, you know, set food. Yeah. And are you going up? No, he's just there with six

bitches. He can fucking set food. They're combing his hair. He's like, I just took the bus over for dinner. He don't give a fuck, Josh, Adam. If it's a comedy Central, man, he's dead. He's in. My show got picked up. I don't give a fuck. I'm here to sing a song. I'm doing it. I saw Vince Vaughn last night

at the comedy store, too. What was going on down there? He was just hanging out. He went to him, I guess him is Steve Byrne, his buddies, so he came out to hang out with them. And then him and Sebastian Manascar were talking for a long time. But he was super cool. I went right up to because I did his Wild West Comedy Fest last year.

So I'm right up to him. And I was like, Vince. I don't know. Vennsey. And he was super cool. He's like, yeah, yeah. And then I was like, I met your sister last year at the Comedy Festival. And we talked for about 10 minutes.

He was cool as hell, man. Anyway, he said I was just kind of cool at the store. But I'm jealous I didn't get to do the R.E. show, man. This is a showcase for it. Yeah. Did you showcase for it? Uh-uh. Well, it's at the score.

Tuesdays upstairs. Oh, I didn't know that. Just ask them, why? Put me on a... Dog, how many stories you got? Yeah, a lot. You got more stories than most people forget in their fucking life, you know? Yeah, man.

Yeah. And it's... Fucking feeling high, I think. I watch your special, and it's... Tremendous. My favorite part about your special... Oh, my God. It's just...

You're so goofy, and it just goes... Like, it goes in ways... Like, that's my favorite part about Joey's comedy. It's just sometimes when it goes ways that you don't expect. Right. Because sometimes, like, sometimes if you watch enough stand-up comedy, sometimes you can just guess the punchline. Right.

And when you can't, especially when it's so goofy, it was great. It was like, because Joanne and I always talk whenever there's the new special up. We watch it. We discuss if it's good. And yours is one of the only few that's been good. You and Ali Wong.

Yeah, Ali Wong killed it too. Thanks, man. I appreciate that, dude. Especially coming from somebody that's seen so many comedians and it works with Joe, man. I appreciate that. Well, the funny thing is that you do your joke,

what we like. This is what I like. I think sometimes that people have too much respect for the punch line and it's not really the punch line it's that little stupid line you say afterward and listen right now it's working today they ain't nobody better than you saying that little stupid line afterward because that line that little stupid line is a funnier thought that most people get all day right it's your inner voice right i have the same inner voice my inner voice cracks me up all day yeah what you think is funny it's so fucking bizarre and then you draw that last

That's little well, you know, and that that kills it. And people from this out do that. They have that last little three-word fucking sentence at the end of it that just fucking makes the whole joke, you know? Yeah. Well, you inspire me, man. After seeing you over at the store, dude, like, because you just like, because you're selling, like, it's not like you're selling, but like my intention when I came out here was never to sell jokes. I wanted to be me. And then I got caught up for a long time.

Everybody does. I thought like, fuck, and then nobody likes me. I got to, I got to fit in just like everybody else. But then I saw you at the store one night, dude,

and that fucking music went off. I'm like, what is this going on? I'm like, are they about to park a cruise ship on the fucking stage? We don't fuck around down there. I told me.

And then you got up and fucking ripped everybody up, bunch of fucking hamsters in there. When you left, I was like, I am never not going to be myself again. When you come out to Los Angeles and you, you hear three months or you hear two months and somebody's interested in you and they take you to

lunch and then they sign you as a commercial agent or theatrical agent or a manager doesn't matter they're going to send you out for an audition for most people don't know that it could be any audition a commercial audition and the first words out of your mouth I don't give a fuck if you're classically trained is I don't know what to do or you're going to say something and their response is going to be yourself. And you're like, thanks. Yeah. And you hear that, guys, for fucking 15 years before one day you go,

oh, I know what they want now. Yeah. I wasn't getting it. The whole time I'm here, I'm trying to be Doug Stanhope. I'm trying to be Paul Mooney. And I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, you know, I'm trying to be Nick the Powell. I'm trying to be Mitch Hedberg. What if people go home and go, what if I could put Nick Apollo or Mitch Hedberg, but the funniest character they're hiding is the character they're hiding.

Yeah. Because that's the reason why they came out here is because of that fucking character that's gotten them through everything for 15 years, that voice. Yeah. That voice that you only let out in front of your friends. Yeah. And that your friends like that is fucking hilarious. We're having a conversation at the store one night and you like last week. Some guy got found with 30 pounds of hamster bones, you know.

They did in my town that is busted a man. It just doesn't right away, you got to stop what you're doing on that conversation and giggle because nine of the ten people wouldn't be proud that that happened in their home time. You know what I'm saying? Like they wouldn't even mention it. If somebody comes up to them and go, are you from New Orleans? Not really. I'm from Texas.

Wait a second. I got to go. You get to that point. Most fucking people would be embarrassed to say something like that. Or it would take them 10 minutes after everybody told their story to say, oh, by the way, there's a guy. No, we were just talking. It was two days. We were ready to go home.

And you came out with it. And I'm fucking, me and Lee would dine in the car. Like, what's he talking about? Hamster meat. What the fuck is he talking about? Yeah, they busted him, man. Listen, they got him. What if?

Thank God. I like, it's like they got him. No, I'm glad they got him, dude. 30 pound bag of hamster one. Like, I mean, that's, because you have to, there's not as much meat. There's very little bone in a hamster, brother. And ham's got a hamster. a hamp probably has

like a quart, like an eighth of an ounce in his chest plate, bro, you can't even make a wish on their bones, you know? There's nothing in there. Where do you get all those hamsters from? That's it. Well, they breed them in our town. I used to work for this group. They used to sell tattooed hamsters and guinea pigs after, uh...

They tattoo them? Yeah, they used to brand them with concerts and rays. They would say it's tattooed us to make people not be as sad about it. But it was a brand, bro. Of what? Well, like, a heat and ink, bro. For what? Like, what did it say?

311 Green Day anything like of different bands that were coming to town Todys Tadys acid bath Who else Raves Whatever

We used to truck these hands Into the city And fucking Vend them, bro We did man Because there wasn't much There wasn't much work in our town Dude you know

You had to get what you could get And they had a man that bred hamsters And then they had to do the tattoos and they fucking met up and that was a merger. That's big business, you know? And they started a merger. They started doing it. Man, I got me some 300 miles in my house and shit.

Some other guys are like, you know what, man, I'm a pretty good tattoo artist. That's Louisiana. And that's it. A merger is for it. That means someone listening to this right now has had a hamster with like a band label on it. Who the fuck buys a hamster? Listen, if I went to a concert, do you think I'm bringing a hamster home with fucking ACDC? No, I'm not.

No, I'm about to rock. I'm going to be fucked up the whole night with this hamster in my pocket. But when you leave, Coco, when you leave the place, that's when we get you, bro. You get it there. People are leaving on ecstasy pills. They're on Molly. You leave. You get that fucking hams.

You get that warm little piece of God in their hands. They buy it every time, bro. I was on the Rogan podcast, and I told the truth. My main affid trait, if a. If anybody ever fucks with you, come to me. Don't say nothing to him. You come to me and you go, this guy fucked to me and this, this, this, and this and this way.

And I'll ask you a bunch of questions. And we'll lay a road plan for you to torture this guy, bit slap him, shoot him, just fuck with him. Light his house on fire, you know. Steal his mail, whatever the fuck. And I first, like, when I was a kid, I really was the best. Like, if you fucked him, I'd just wait and rob your house. Like, I'd just rob your fucking house.

That's it. Like you're getting your house robbed. That's it always the plan. And I'm taking the most important thing to you in that fucking house. I would steal eight ball cash jewelry. But if I knew they loved their sneakers, I'm taking the sneakers too. So when you see them, they're like, man, somebody busted into my house and took my sneakers. They took my mother's jewelry. You just steal their spoons, bro. Everything. Anything that I knew would get them. I'm a professional torture. And when I got the boulder in 87, I got the boulder in December. In Colorado?

Six, yeah, I was running from cops and drug dealers. I had like 60,000 in cash. So you went to Boulder? I was an aspen. I was an aspirin fucking causing damage. In 86, please, please. You have no idea, dog. I was international.

You understand? So I'm up in Aspen. I fuck up. And the girl I'm with from Boulder. I had already a warrant in Boulder. And I'm like, let's take a chance. Let's move back to Boulder. I got pulled over, no warrant.

but I got arrested for fucking Reefer. It doesn't really matter. The whole story is I got a job the week before fucking Denver gets beat up by the Giants in the Super Bowl. Like that fucking Thursday I started the job. And

he's fucking Lee's on the griddle over here, son. He's fucked up. Hang in there. He starts seeing devils in a second. I love it. We'll cut it short and then we'll do a periscope with the lights off. This Black Sabbath we sold ourselves for rock and roll.

and we'll lock the door and make bets to see how it'll take before Lee comes from shooting out the window. Oh, we locked a thick. We locked this big girl in our town. We liked this big girl one time we ate some acid. And we locked this big girl into a room at this party. And we kept going in there with fucking pots of fucking warm water, fucking pouring it on. I feel bad.

I feel horrible, dude. I didn't look. We were as kids and we're on acid, dude. And then, bro, you can't tell me this, though, and I'm straight. You got to tell me how mushroom. You lock the girl. I just remember. How old were you?

I just remembered it. Probably 16. That's terrible. I know, but here's the thing. Let's say I was 14. That way it makes it sound not as bad. But look, she ate acid with us, bro. She ate acid with us, dude.

And what happened was, and we kept going in the room with, like, these pots of warm water. I don't know why we had the pots of warm water because I think we just were fucked up, dude. And we would, like, pour a little on her. But not like torch. She wasn't in a cage or nothing. She was just, you know, free range in this room, right? But I think she was scared to come out. And one time we went in, bro, we heard this loud sound and we went in.

I wonder why. She had ran against one of the walls so hard, bro. Had fucking moved the entire wall in this house, dude. Huge girl, about 240 pounds. Beautiful girl, too. The most beautiful, biggest girl that I've ever known. Oh, my God. Beautiful girl.

Beautiful hair, beautiful face. just large and beautiful but she fucking got lifted bro and uh yeah man fuck I just came down a little bit off that fuck I just had a little mushroom

fucking hive fuck yeah so I get this I get this job I'm bolder I'm making dick for wages and they put me as a shagger it's a body shop

combination detail shop uh huh and they made me a Shaggot, which means I clean bathrooms. I take garbage out. I pick up customers, you know, and it was 175 a week for like

90 fucking hours. Like I was the first one, man. I had to be there at 7. The thing opened at 8.30 or 8. I had to be that 7 to fucking sweep and shovel snow. For 175 a week? For 175 a week? I'll fucking clean off all the cars,

start them all up, warm them, bring them into the body shop according to all the numbers. I did the whole thing, man. And I liked it. Listen, I was fucked up for a long time. This was a great little job for me. But you know what, man, 175 for all these hours, these motherfuckers are getting a little fat off me. And I'm like, fuck it. I want to go in the detail shop.

So I started petitioning to go on the detail shop. I was a really good fucking Shaggers. So they knew my work ethic. The guy was from fucking New York State. Steve something. There's so many fucking Steve's in my life that every time I look up his name and fucking Facebook, but he was good to me, Steve. In fact, Steve was the dude who, in the dude. introduced me to Steve and Tidwell,

the dude who I kidnapped Kent Vela with. So, like, that's how I knew all these guys. So I petitioned Steve. I go, Steve. That's it,

man. I'm a great shagger. I want the fucking job in the back. You know, I'm sick and time I'm making $1.75. Yeah. I want to make $200 a fucking day,

like these fucking Ganooks. Yeah. So one of the guys heard me, and he didn't like me. His name was Dirk something. Oh, fucking Dirk. Dirk.

And Dirk wasn't a tough guy, but he was one of these guys that would fight me to the end. And he had the body shop guys. He had the whatever guys, the... The details? They were on his side. The details were kind of a little cunty.

Right. You know, I knew like two of them that were really cool. The other two were cunty. Well, because they were above you. Yeah, and he was the supervisor. It's hierarchy. So I said, how am I going to get this motherfucker on it? I see a dead rat in a corner.

And I took it and I put in this jacket pocket. Damn. That's old school. I put in this jacket pocket. The next morning, this guy comes in with a dent in his car, and the jacket holding on to him. He drove home all night with the mouse in his pocket. And then the next morning, he fucking scarred this car, reached in for a pack of cigarettes, and there's this fucking rat in this fucking rat. And he crashed the car.

He fucking got. That's what the dent was for? Oh, fuck, yeah. I mean, he fucked up the side of his car into, like, the trees. That sounds like that. Fuck him. You know me, Doug? He loved this car.

He was all those dudes. I love this car. He waxed out and every day. And shit, I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Poorly. Oh, it's looking beautiful, man. I took a lead to deep. Lee, do another star to bounce you out.

Yeah, you got to fucking eat. No balance out your pH. You need some fucking, uh, a little bit of horchata, bro. We need to fucking hit up the Mexican milk made, bro. Get it a spray in your mouth a little fucking Lee. Get your back. You got a baby bird you a little. Get your back on the branch.

Get your back on the branch. It is fucked up for you people are not watching this. Dude, I remember one time we, this, um, fucking, you got me out to death.

What you? I'm in me to death. Um, I'm in me to death. That is hot. Anything you say the death is always funny. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Ask me to death. Joey's fucking died a million. I used to have a friend that he was describing the girl I was dating to me. It was a father. And he goes, thank God you got her off me. He goes, when she was a kid, I used to call a dollar a debt. I couldn't see dollar debt.

Dollar of debt. That's a great fucking name. What does that mean? Dollar of debt. Give me a dollar. Give me a dollar. Give me how many fucking dollars? Yeah.

How many fucking dollars? How old is do you need the day? It was Donald of death. Dude, I remember this. Yeah, now I feel bad about we did it that bigger girl, bro. You can't, you know. But we didn't do it because she was big. We just did it.

She just got fucked up, and she couldn't get out the room, you know? Like, I got, one of my best friends got fucked up one time, and he started talking about Asian people. We never even seen any Asians in our life. And he started in your life. No, and I guess maybe, like, in a past life, he might have known some Asians, you know? And so he starts bringing up their names, bro, and knowing them

and knowing shit about him on this mattress in this house. And I'm like, fuck, dude, you're fucked up, bro. I'm leaving, right? So apparently I'm the kind of friend that when your friend is at his worst, you fucking leave, bro. But he's talking about Chinese people. Yeah, well, he's never met Chinese people. We never known any.

So what is he saying? He's just saying like, hey, you remember fucking, like, sin, like you remember fucking sun lamb, bro? He was there for us, you know, and all this shit. I'm like, son, lamb, bro. We don't know him, dude. You know, and he was fucking, like, talking about Dorothy, Dorothy, Dorothy. You know, we didn't know any Asians, bro.

And I'm like, I got to get away from. When you grew up, there was no Asians in that name, but not when you were there. Now there's probably four. Yeah. No, we live in a small town, dude. I mean, I remember. We probably had about 2,000 growing up. Oh, shit.

This one dude, I remember was trying to be an Elvis impersonate. He said he was an Elvis impersonator, bro. But he was just a fucking alcoholic. You know what I'm saying? We don't need any Elvis, bro, you know? We got 2,000 people. We need fucking gas money. We need jobs.

Yeah, we need ideas, bro. Give us some fucking ideas. Those fucking Elvis impersonators are paying the ass. They really are. They really are. Get a fucking life, bro. I got to tell you something. You know, I told Lee before.

When I first got into comedy, when I got serious about it in 94, there was a guy in Denver who you should go to comedy works. And I knew his hair cut, look familiar. When you look at somebody like, the head cut looks familiar. But who am I? I'm on coke, pills. You know, I'm beating, badass. I'm eating bad.

I got terrible habits. Who am I to fuck around with somebody's hair? I have fucking terrible. And all of a sudden, I got a call from the guy and he goes, hey, I'm doing a gig. You know, I'm talking in those days, 50 bucks. You know, and I'm like, yeah, I'll beat in an hour. And I show up, and he comes to the door, and he's got away 350, and he's got the belt on the whole Elvis suit. And, you know, I mean, the guy is.

Did you know that was going to be like that? No, yeah. I knew the whole time. I was at home preparing for this shit. No, when I walk in the fucking door, there he is. I hate that. Bigger than life. I hate it when they surprise you with that.

And he's like, I'm the Elvis in person. They just do 10 minutes in front of me. And you know what? I think I was supposed to get $50. He gave me a yardstick. Wow. And then he calls me three months later. He goes, hey, I opened up a bar, hilarious.

Uh-huh. So I get to this bar. It's Wednesday nights. He's the main act. Uh-huh. And he brings up three comedians. And at the end, he sings all those Elvis song. And he's fucking horrible.

Yeah. I mean, he's fucking horrible. He's smoking cigarettes. His teeth are green. Yeah, they're horrible. He's booze in. He's fucking fat. He had let himself go.

But... Sounds like Elton. Yeah. It sounds like that. But, you know what this guy did? He was an Elvis impersonator. And someone, that was his claim to fame. I mean, the whole inside of the club was Elvis themed.

Right. But it had a wall with write-ups about him. You know, all the awards he won and shit. And he was a Vegas boy. And he was no good. Maybe at some point he was. I mean, you know, at this point and he, uh, he fucking, uh, bought this club. They bought him out in Vegas.

Like, they bought him out because his voice is so bad. I don't fucking know. And he went to Colorado and opened up a fucking little bar. Like, it wasn't even a bar guy. It was like an old, like an old boutique that he turned into a bar during the week. And he's saying Elvis was a woman's closet Hysterical hysterical But you know what man

Whatever the guy said he would always pay me He paid me double He never tried to stick a finger on my ass He never did drugs or nothing But he always bought me a drink He'd go take a drink You know don't I'm not gonna give me too Because I'm not gonna be responsible

For you driving Right even if you have money I don't want you drink in here Go drink next door Yeah But he was solid Like he liked me as a comic And he always paid me

And he didn't blow smoke up my asses Not like he was going to make a video and take me to Vegas. Thinking back, and I forgot his name and I'm really sorry. Good dude. He was just a terrible Elvis. Yeah. I wouldn't have Elvis fucking, no. I think if Elvis came back to life, he'd shoot half these in person.

Like, that's hell for Elvis. Like, that's his house. Oh, that's a great movie. Elvis comes back and fucking kills all your personators. Let's hear all the bad ones that make a ta-da-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Instead of ISIS coming in and shooting everybody, it's a fat Elvis with a missing leg. and he's decapitated neck and shit

he shoots people, he goes to the kitchen, he takes something, he leaves and shit. And the cops don't mess him because it's Elvis. They know what Elvis. This dude was the worst,

bro. He was the worst, and he wasn't, like he had no work. They let him dress up like, they dress him up like Santa around Christmas, let him wave at the trains and shit come in a town, you know,

like seasonal greeter, you know? And he'd always like, like you'd see him and he'd be like, oh, you know, it's like, kill the fuck out, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Just as just us.

You're an alcoholic. Yeah, you don't fucking Elvis in person. You're not even in uniform. You're in an alley right now. And his kids, he made him be Pentecostal. He had four kids, no mom. He made him be Pentecostals, kept him in a yard. What's Pentecostal me?

It just means they wear, like, big clothes and believe in, like, God, like, I think a lot. You know, but they wear, like, just huge clothes, like cheap clothes. Like, they look like, the kids look at rodeo clowns. You know, like, they just look. You know, like, and the great. girl let me feel her breast actually one time through the bar they had a barbed wire fence around the house the girl let me feel some fucking titty what was her name what's it Barbara Barbara I think of some fucking boss yeah Barbara fucking breast right let me feel that fucking hard nipple through some tis through some fucking barbara right

uh his son you see fucking tuna and ice cream every day and vomit on the bus dude so people would fucking beat him up Wait a second. We'll eat the vape. Would he eat the tuna first of the ice cream? I don't know. He showed up with both of them already in them. And people would fucking beat him. It'd already be sick.

It'd already be sick, dude. And the fucking dad, the dad made the kid a wooden shirt one year for fucking Christmas, dude. Made him a fucking shirt out of wood. I'm coming up from church. It's Wednesday. They're in the garage, bro. I swear to God, dude.

Was it like cool? It was just like a big box. It was horrible. I mean, at the time, it was cool. You know, at the time, it was, I mean, it was kind of beautiful. The kid, like, cried and shit when he put him in it. I could have been at home right now watching Empire jumping up and down with black people. Yeah.

Fucking donuts and shit. And you're over here telling me this crazy shit. Who else eats a mushroom on a Wednesday? I'm sitting here going on a lot. Just us, dude. What is wrong with me? I should know better, but I don't give a fuck anymore. I guess to the point in my life where you know what

I look at my draw and I got quailudes in there I got fucking grenades You got fucking baby pacifiers I gotta do all this shit that's in there Baby pacifiers But those are for you You know you look at all this mushrooms And you go on the road and you're like

What the fuck? People actually doing this shit every night And I'm sitting you know Yeah but my friends today where they were excited Like you're going on fucking you go with mad flavor dude we're going to tune in, you know? I mean, so I think that that, you know, we're getting to live some of the dream that other people don't get to live, you know, when you're sitting at home and, you know, you're probably sitting next to your wife or your husband, or, you know, somebody you might not even fucking, maybe you do love them still, but who knows, you know, you need a little fucking speedbook, you know? But yeah, that dude made his son a wooden shirt and then some kids spray-pinning swastikas on it, man.

That's fuck. That's fucking. You can't wash your shirt. Yeah, they spray-painted swastik is on the wood But no, we didn't have any Jews either We didn't have anybody You know, people just seen like a swastick on like a pamphlet or something You know

But we didn't have any Jews It was just, you know This local art Somebody fucking spray-panned Now what was the population How many black people Out of 2000 You probably had, I would guess, about

1,100 brothers And they were gaining ground quick, dude You could hear them fucking at night If you put your ear up to the woods That's what they would say No No But it was like

Any Latinos in that? No. Mark at that time, creeping in. Yeah, one kid. How long have you been gone for now? One kid. I've been gone for, from that town, I've been gone for, I left there when I was probably maybe 13.

I've been gone. Yeah, I'm 36 now. Whatever that is. 23. 23 years, thanks, Lee. That's a real Jew, even with mushroom fucking slats. He can be passed out. He'll just pop his head, 23.

And he'll go right back. the sleep a little sleep ap man he's still giving estimates uh they have one mexian kid this kid uh nicholas man the raper he fucking supposed to write rapper on his shirt oh yeah that's a yeah rape

yeah they fucking wrote raping they expelled and that was the first Mexican we ever had what aren't is it was your dad's Spanish oh man my dad was nicaraguan I'm Polish Nicaraguan I'm one of the few you know there's probably 11 of us out there Polish Nicaragua. That is fucking crazy.

Yeah, man. So it's getting fucking... So when you were 13, where'd you move done? Moved to this neighboring town. I went and lived with a family. They had like... Like, I got emancipated and then lived with a different family. And they were cool?

They were cool. It was more organized. It was more... It's crazy because I always think of it. When my mom died, we didn't do no pay for it. Yeah. Like, I just moved into the people's house. I just changed my address at school.

That's it. fucking paperwork. I didn't do nothing. That was it. Fucking crazy. Yeah, what's weird about when something like that happens when you're young is that there's no real stop. Life just goes on. That's when you realize

that life just fucking goes on. When something heavy like that happens, you lose a parent and the next day is just there. It's like, and then the next day is there. I spoke to a teacher of mine that just lost his mom. This guy's 64. 60-5-4. And he's like, I think a year

every day since my mom Because I can't imagine how you did it It's being like bulletproof. You're like bulletproof at that age. You don't even know what's going on but it catches up with you All that shit catches up with you caught up with me five years later Really? Yeah Yeah hit home because you're young you're involved in activities You have so much going on Yeah

That it never really sets in it sets in like level four And then through the years you still have to pay for that Yeah, you still have to do that work you're gonna talk to something Somebody for me, it was just fucking going in a closet by myself at night and getting high for 12 hours. Damn. 11 hours. That's how, that's when you know, like, I got high like anybody else. You do a couple lines, you giggle.

Yeah. But then the fucking grams chopped up between four people become grams divided by two people. Oh, yeah. And then all of a sudden one night you find yourself with a package at home. like you actually like you split the gram and you have two bumps at home I should have brought more

and that's the beginning of the end that's yeah I've been at the end before people don't know the beginning of the end that's when you start going home by yourself knowing you're like I'm locking the door yeah I got booze I got ice cubes I got pornography

I got pornography I got straws I got everything I don't need nobody that's the worst fucked up that's when your mind is somewhere else when it's 7 a.m. you tugging on a fucking hot dick, it's limp. Oh, sure.

You're in the shower now. Trying to fantasize a fourth grade banging some. It's horrible. It's a horrible existence, but damn. It's cool when you're out with people and talking, you know, you get in your car and there's no more blow

and nobody has to go get another package. That's when it's fun in those days. It's gone, okay? What are we doing now? I don't know. We smoke pot to everybody passes out. That's it. But then one day, that's how it starts. You're by yourself.

And then you start calling people when you're by yourself to get more. Yeah. I thought, I used to go to Elkhadre. I've done that recently. I used to go to Elkhadre by Graham at 9 o'clock. Damn, over there on sunset?

Yeah, and then run home, do the whole gram in two lines. And by one o'clock start coming down. And I call another guy that was a DJ. And he would come over at 1.15, 1.30, when he got off work somewhere in Hollywood there. What the fuck? Fucked what I call them. I call them something. I don't know. My brain is fucking traveling right now, bro. I feel like a spaceship just fucking took awful out of my head.

How about you, Lee? How are you feeling? That was a good explanation. What's going on? I was it? I'm going with that. Dude, we are. We got hit hard. I'm more tired than anything. I didn't sleep last night. You didn't? No, I got home from, we got home at 12.30 last night. Yeah.

When I went in the house, drank some water, took my shoes off, put the TV on. I thought it was 11.15. Yeah. Next thing you know it's two. And it was 12. 30, 12.25. Lee called me like a 12.35 to say I'm walking in my

door or something. You said, I think I stayed up until 1. Then I went to bed, but I didn't fall asleep. It didn't hit home. I started tossing and turning, tossing and turning, thinking about your set, thinking about who is there. You know, it's too real when you're there. Sometimes you go to those parties or functions and you see somebody like Theo Vaughn, but he's talking and I'm talking and Theo's cool Theo knows dog.

We're talking business or this chick's a pigeon. I'm taking this victim home with me. There's always something and you go home and that hits you that night. You didn't say hello to Theo. Right. I feel bad. I didn't see you Theo. That's the shit that I go through before you go to sleep.

But that's nice because you're a friendly dude. A lot of people brought when that shit doesn't go through your head, I don't. I think that's when you're, you know, that's when something's wrong. Well, you're getting high. Listen, you're getting high. You're having a cocktail. So sometimes the fucking camera moves really fast. Yeah.

It's not until you go home and look at the paperwork. Look at the film. Yeah. You're editing the film. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're seeing what's going on. Now is when you see, oh, shit.

I fucking saw Theo there. Yeah. Lee, did you see Theo there? Yeah. What happened to him? I don't know. He was talking to someone. He didn't say hello to you.

No. Was he mad? He smiled, but he was talking to some broad and some guy, and they were talking about videos. And next thing, you know, you're off. And then next morning, you'll say the same thing. Yeah. I seen Joey there last night. What the fuck happened?

How the fuck didn't I talk to? I didn't talk to him. That's what happened. You know, you go home and you play that channel out. And I wasn't drinking. I don't drink. Yeah. I just smoke dope.

I can't imagine if I drank when I used to drink. And have to decipher the night the next morning. You just wake up and just lay in bed for 10 minutes. Yeah. You pee, you grab something to drink, you sit back down, and you're like, what the fuck happened? And you see little flashes, and then, you know, you put shit together. And the next thing, you know, your buddy calls you. Did you hook up with that girl?

What happened to you? That fucking monster. Yeah, I know. It's always a fucking monster, dude. Well, I remember this one girl. We had this thing for a while if you would viz queen a chick, right? And that's if you would bring a chick home and she would, fall asleep or at her place or at your place

and you'd put like a piece of visqueque over a body right? What the hell is visc queen? It's like you know what it is too. It's like that material. They used to put the rain and shit like that. Yeah, for rainers. Keep rain off the stuff right? What the fuck? People you hang out with? Yeah, because

I hear like if you really want to kind of spook a girl then that's like if I hear from a woman I heard who woke up under some visqueen once. She said it was the scariest experience. of her life, bro. So we were like, oh, we got to do this and some chicks, right?

So we had this thing. They went, I can put Bisqueen over. Is it like the blue thing that they put down? It always has holes at the end. Because they always need to rope it together. It's clear. No, it's clear. It's the clear stuff.

Oh, the clear stuff. The clear. Yeah, okay, okay. It's that clear. It's a little thicker. Yeah, it's a little thicker. Oh, yeah. Yeah, visque.

So you wait. Oh. You know what? I used to use that for roofing. Yeah, yeah. It's for that. It's for the first layer of roofing. In Colorado, you got to use Visc Queen because it's cold.

It was cold at the time, the first 18 inches or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little thicker, but this shit comes a glue on it or it doesn't. Who the fuck? What the fuck do I know? I don't know. I mean, but there's about 30 chicks out there that it woke up under some fucking Visc queen. You know who you are.

You know what I'm saying? Isn't this a board of Visc queen on them? No boards. No boards. That's fucking gangster dog. Just the visqueen. Just the visqueen. I'm sure they wake up and they take them it murdered, you know?

They probably think they're going to see a detective when they pull that shit off. Oh my God. That's gangsta, son. If you could do that, that's gangster. Yeah, we did that, dude. When you watch them wake up or when you just... Fuck, no, we wouldn't watch them wake up. Fucking Dexter.

It's all we left, dude. No, we had to go to the airport. I'm sorry, Leon. I'm not trying to be rude. You called my Dexter. I'm just fucked up. No, listen, I know Leah a long time. Leo always asked you a million-dollar question.

Oh, yeah, Lee's no for a million-dollar question. Typical Hebrew, right? You with that fucking. Typical Hebrew. I don't know. This is a fucking podcast. That's what I'm talking about. Motherfuck is laughing, giggling for real.

Don't get me wrong. Some of his mushroom powder is helping this fucking laughter. We'll listen to this tomorrow and go, what the fuck are we talking about? What the fuck is wrong with us? You fucking hamster kill us out. You got to loosen up from time to time, people. Every once in a while I got to take the stick out of your ass and giggle. And wake up the next morning and go, wow.

Take out a Mexican girl. Fuck a girl, you don't even know what she's saying, bro. You know? I mean, but make sure the expression on her face is positive. You know what I'm saying? Because otherwise that shit might be illegal. But that used to be something I would do when I got into town, man. I would have somebody set me up with a girl who I didn't know what she was saying at all.

You know, go out and I would just try to use like my, you know, just like regular, you know, like just, it's almost like playing clue. It's like playing charades, but you fuck at the end, you know? That's what it's like, dude. Take somebody out you don't know. Look at something different. Look at a girl. You look like, I want to meet a girl out from Nairobi or from fucking China, you know, somewhere. What do you want to be?

No, it's just interesting because I was telling Steve Simone, you were talking to, like, a group of five or six guys last night, and you, like, could talk to every, all of them at once would, like, command it, like, the circle. And it's just, I can't do that. And it's something like it's like a, something I'd always want to do. I don't know, it's just cool. Like, I'm always a more one-on-one kind of person. Yeah.

But to be all talking, to command the attention of, like, six people, it was just cool to watch. I wish I could be more one-on-one. People time I can't, I'm not good one-on-one, so I'd trade with you. Yeah. You know what I'm good one-on-one? When there's people like that, you're just telling the story. You know, that's the shit I used to do growing up at Hashways where there's eight motherfuckers hanging on the corner. If you got to, where I grew up, if you want to say a word and people pay attention, you better be funny.

You got one shot at this. Right. Because this eight motherfuckers are going to run with Eddie Murphy. Oh, especially in your area, I'm sure. Yeah. In the southeast had to be able to speak. When you bang, you better bang, so they listen to you. Because you only got like four bangs left.

Right. Then people won't pay attention to you. Yeah. All right, keep it up. Get a notebook. Quit your day job. Whatever. Yeah, dude. That used to be the funnest, man. I was making people laugh at the lunch table, man.

That was the funnest thing. Until they had milk spray out of the nose. That's when I would leave. And it would always be the bell will ring. Everybody would be back in class. one motherfucker would just keep listening for some reason. I was just holding by his fucking arms

across the table and keep telling him shit until they fucking sprayed out of his nose. And then I would leave, dude. You know, they had the first wigger I ever met was from our town, bro. I think the first wig I ever, man, this kid named Brian St. Pierre, bro.

And they put him in class. He was a white dude that was trying to be black. Yeah. He was a white dude. Where did he move from? I don't fuck. Nowhere, bro. He fucking just, you know, he was raised, like, kind of like, you know, he was like, you know, he was just fucking spent a little bit of time on the other side of town, you know?

And the brothers really got a hold of him. And he was cool, though. He was a cool dude, man. Mowgli? He was, bro. He was like a Mowgli, you know? My whole body just shook. I thought it was an earthquake for him.

He was fucking down. That's an inner yoga, bro. That's an inner yoga. But look, man. They put him in the fucking Middally handicapped class Because they'd never seen it before They'd never seen it before

They put him in class With kids with Down syndrome With kids with In wheelchairs They put him What's just a dude who had like And couldn't he just be like Hey guys

I'm just the way I want to talk I don't even know what the fucking You're saying Lee right now You sound like him right now They probably put you in that class right now They don't even know what you're saying You're like that fucking, you're like,

they put the wigger in the special class. That's what you sounded. That's what that dude sounded like. I wanted a dollar today. Lee, I'm not like cousin it. Shit,

I'm like, what the fuck's he said? I'm over here, you know. Before we started, Lee kept thinking he was here to buzz it into mics. Oh my God, people. We started late.

Because Lee was looking around the room, like, and now he's making a buzzing into mics. Listen to him. He's the walking. When I was 19, I went to the movies with Louis Castellito and this dude, Kurt DiLorento. It was the night after ACDC at the Palladium.

It was like summer in 19, 80. Yeah. It was after ACDC came back. So it was a Saturday night. Right. I wanted to watch. I have no idea. And on the way back, me and Casolito gave each other a look.

and Kirk kept saying I hear something because the night before we did acid and blow and throughout the whole night he kept saying I'm telling you, he kept saying I keep hearing my ears, right?

You know, you're a fucking 16 and you do a gram of blow and a fucking mic without acid. That'll change your future. Listen, him and I did. We've stopped. One of the most awkward people I grew up in a cocaine culture

so I knew when people were doing it. My mom's hand would stick close to the tit. Yeah. A little T-rexin. What's a little T-rexin? My mom was one of those. Like, you thought it belonged to somebody else

and shit, right? So I knew the hand movement. When I was 16, I got a job at Rendell Lumber. And there was a guy there who blew my fucking mind. There was a tip of my tongue. Now I forgot the fucking guys.

I just forgot what I was talking about. It really don't matter. The guy was an Irish dude, really nice guy. But once he did one line of Coke, every inhibition, every physical strength he had was all. And he would do, like, duck faces and his hand. His name is Jack Finn. Jack Finn. I'll never forget the one day.

Jack Finn, bro. He started fucking swimming in his own tank, huh? He was fucked up on a Saturday. And he walks into work. I'm 16. He walks into work all fucked. up. That's the first time I heard that expression. He goes, boss, let me get a hundred on the arm until Monday.

And the boss looks and he goes, my arms are heavy and walked away. I'll never forget the expression. Jack Finn was a fiend. For coat? Yeah. But once he started, once he, if he, the word on the street was, Jack Finn is tremendous until alcohol hits his tongue. Right.

Then it's a difference. You should have seen it. And he was tremendous. He'd give you money when he was drunk. He was a great guy. But just to see the transformation, but Jack Finn had something else. Jack Finn hung out a dirty barn we hawking, which is... Weehawking sounds fucking, but I got some gutter pussy.

This is 1980 before fucking they started breaking those stones. Wow. The people that hung on Wehawking were fucking savages. Damn. And they sold this cocaine. They're just looking at it. Fucked with your eyes. And I had done it twice.

Trano out there. And the night, ACDC came back to the palladium. Oh, we used to sell hamsters at the ACDC shows, full circle. We just stopped with the fuck. Sorry, sorry, dude. At the ACD, this is when Bond Scott died and Brian Johnson joined the band. This is how old I am. This was fucking huge.

Him and me and Kurt were walking into the city, and we go, where are we going to get caught? We were going to take a bus from Union City, New Jersey. We go, let's take a cab down a Wehawk, and we saw Jack Finn. And for 50 bucks, he gave us a bottle. And when we got out of there, we got back on the cab. We made the cab wait for us. And then the cab, we did little bumps of coke. This is when it came in a bottle with a spoon.

There was not a gram in there. There had to be like nine tenths of a gram. Right. Me and Kurt kept doing it. And it was August 2nd, 1980. And it had to be 95, what's the temperature in 95 degrees, but 100% humidity in New York City. Right.

And I'll never forget. I had lead jeans on with a white t-shirt and sneakers. Mm-hmm. And that's the first time ever that, even after the fact that I got home, you thought you might be? No, my pants were drenched and my socks were drenched from my sweat. Wow. Like, I had sweat so much at this concert that I jumped up and down so much. Yeah.

Me, it's a good feeling. Then in the concert, me and Kurt popped the acid, and we had, like, vodka and Gatorade. We're drinking. How old were you guys? 16. Oh, good. 16, 17, 17, Thompson. We're fucking lit.

Yeah. We get out of the concert. We still got half that vowel blow. Yeah. We're on the train. We're on the, whatever, the train back to New York. Man, you guys are a fuck. Nah.

Bumps. You guys are a couple of... So, we didn't even finish the Graham. Kurt went home. I went to wherever I was living. Next morning I wake up, there's Coke. I'm fucked up. So the next day, it's a light night.

Right. In those days, that was called a light night. That was a Friday night or whatever. Yeah, it was a Friday night. So Saturday. Let's go to the movies. So let's go to the movies. Yeah.

So we went to the movie. But that whole day, Kirk kept saying, look, my ears are still ringing from the blow last night. That's how good that coat was. So we went to the, here's the whole day passes. That morning, he said it. But the whole day passes. We're at a movie now.

We walk out of that 11 o'clock at night. I'll never forget it was raining. And we were walking back down from Fairview, New Jersey, into North Bergen. It's fucking raining. And Kurt kept saying, guys, my ears are still ringing. And all of a sudden, I look at Digger, and Digger looks at me, and we play it. And we're like, I hear some ringing, too.

Kurt looks at me, and I'm like, yeah, I hear some ringing. I hear some ringing. I fucking sold it. You know, hey, Doug. Yeah. I fucking hear it. I can't believe it. When Kurt's like, you guys hear it, this ain't me?

What the fuck? And there was a pothole. There was a pothole like eight feet away. It just rained. There was gutter water in that. ran over, took that bottle water, and started splashing in this space. And he's like, okay, I'm good now. You guys still hear the ring.

We're like, we fucking hear it. He just took off with that puddle water on his face. No way, dude. Oh, my God. Did you ever see him again? Yeah, the next day. He just died six months ago. Oh, man.

He bought a subway sandwich, went outside and opened it and killed the whole fuck. He didn't even eat the sandwich. He just looked at it and killed him. That's how he died? That's the truth. He just bought a subway sandwich and he fucking had an attack. He walked outside. You got us with the quiz.

I'm telling you, though, that Subway, I should have a motherfucker. I've been telling me for years. One day, he's like, you know, man, I thought about what he was said, man. And I think you're right. Those people have no respect. The bread. I had a guy who worked at Subway told me Lee was in that twice a day every first. fucking day of attention, Doug.

Damn. That's how loyal. This motherfucker had a loyalty card. Damn, bro. He knew the Mexicans in the hands. That chick that don't lift the right hand because he got hit by a car. He won't fuck.

He knew her name. He knew her. I knew the shifts. They got a one-handis. You knew their shifts? Oh, he knew shifts. He knew who gave me more lettuce. Jesus.

They knew who I'm telling you. He was like the fucking co-ist system. Wow, bro. That's crazy. So in real life died fucking six months ago. Rest in peace. Like everybody, it was shocking. Yeah.

He bought a subway send it. How they knew was they had to get the cameras from the subway sandwich. And they said, sit down and open it up. He smelled that motherfucker. I didn't kick the bucket. He's your dear friend. What, Daley? What he said?

He's your dear friend. And you kicked him a bucket. Yeah. It's sad, man. Dude, rest of peace. Yeah, rest in peace for sure, man.

I, uh, first concert, dude, first concert I ever went to. Oh, this pedophile took us right. I'm not even joking,

dude. Rest in peace, he's dead. This dude, Richard Langestine, bro. His family owned a fucking deli, dude,

every new one of his famous meets. How did you bring you to a concert? I'll tell you. Yeah, bro. He's going to tell you. Me and my little girlfriend at the time, Jessica, we met him at church, right?

Because he was, I guess he was daylighting as a decent person, right? So we met him at church, okay? So I was like, hey, you know, that's, and they called him Big Richard, bro, because he was big and he had all the fucking, you know, his skin was scabbing up. He had different colors on his arms.

And we're like, you know, the fucking Lord's leopard print was fucking coming out of him, right? Oh, my God. So we went over to his house. well, like, let's go to his house and take him some cookies on Sunday and watch the Saints game with him, right? Not for nothing. We shouldn't eat that second step. No, I'm fucked up to the Gilles. Oh, yeah. I'm crying. Oh, my God. I'm crying and I have no worries. I'm sorry. Keep going on. Okay. I'm sorry.

I just want to let you know I'm fucked up to the Gills. Okay. I'm amazed you talking about. There's a lot of nights. I can't even fuck. I walk out of it. He's all fucked up, and I don't get it. Tonight is my God's punishment. I'm fucked up. I should have not ate that second step. Okay. That shit was grown in fucking cow shit. I could still taste it in my mouth. I used to go home in Listerine two times. So we went over to the dudes' house, right?

We took some cookies over there, watch a Saints game. Then he started substitute teaching at the school I was going to. Big Richard. Big Richard. And the kids listen. My parents, I'm going on with my buddy. To come with his old man and want to. Well, I told the guy, like, my parents is out of the picture.

I told the girl's parents. It's like, uh, did we, she was there. The mother was there. We met him at church. Like, yeah, that's sweetie y'all. Go over there. He's got a substitute at the school. Yes, he started substituted at the school.

I didn't realize it at the time. Like, now I realize it's ironic. The dude starts fucking subbing because I'll be honest. I was a handsome kid, you know? The dude starts subbing. I have fucking long hair, beautiful hair, fucking strong in the fucking, you know, fucking chest and shoulders like a fucking, like the strongest French bulldog you ever seen, right? So, uh, we go over this.

Then the next time, I see him at Substitute at the school, then he's like, yeah, come back over. I'm like, my girl can't come. He's like, oh, just come over and watch a Saints game, right? I'll come over. He breaks out a little bit of herb, right? Gets me high, right? So then the next couple of times I start bringing my friends over there, dude.

Then he starts fucking, like, getting us all stones, and everybody was smoking out of apples, and we're doing all kinds of fancy stunts, you know, just fucking herb stunts. You know, my buddy Scott, my buddy Glenn. We're over there urban up with Big Richard, you know. You smoke a little extra with him because you think he might die. He's older.

He's in his 80s, you know? He's in his 80s. Are he still pervertin? Yeah, bro. He'll be him for 80 and still be pervertent. You got to respect the game too. This is way before my angry. This guy got dick.

He just saw an ice cream truck. He got hard. You know what I mean? Yeah, he just wanted a kid to look at him dick. How the fuck are you 80 and still pervertin? So he was out there PV and bro. You know what I'm saying? So one time, dude, and I'll tell you how we found out that he was a pervert, right?

I won't tell me. It didn't catch on with us, right? So we fucking dumb, dude. I'm so gullible, bro. I could have been molested a million times. Like, I'm going to tell this. Molesters, if you're out there, bro. Do you have so many fans?

I'm sure you got about 30 fucking child molester fans. Statistically, bro. Statistically Statistically, dude Put you in here. Statistically, bro. You probably got 30 fans in a child molestessus.

You missed your chance. I'm going to say that. You missed your fucking chance with this kid dynamite, dude. Because I was gullible, bro, and I was a good kid. And I was strong, br, handsome, long hair.

But anyway, well, fuck. Joey's gone, dude. You laugh. Show you fucking laugh, bro. You wouldn't finish telling you, Lee? What, what's up?

You don't even know? You want to finish telling you the story or not? You can go for it, buddy. Give me a... Update me so you even know what the story was about. Do you know? I knew a second and go, but now... Keep to keep going from where you told it, because there's people...

All right, so the child molester, bro. We didn't know. We didn't know. We just thought he was an 80-year-old. old man. So he had like a full career. I guess, dude. Like in our town, you could be 80 and still substitute to each, I guess, right?

So that's gonna like... I'm sorry how to pee. I'm sorry. I was like my piece coming out of fucking green. Oh, my fucking dick feels all lit up. How's your dick got to do it? You know, Lee, we're going to have to do heroin on

the show. No, no, that's right. Not tonight, though, man. Not to none, no, no. Okay, good. Because I'm gullible. We're going to have to get a guest that's down. Okay, yeah, yeah.

That'll be the only, like that'll be the end. Unless y'all have never done it. I might do it with y'all. First time or terrible? I did it when I was locked up. Oh, you've done it. Oh, my God. Yeah, but never with a needle.

Like, I'm a pushy. I would never do it with a needle. Now I can handle it with a needle. I'll put Santana on on the iTunes and look the other way on the iPod and look the other way. This is a little black chick down at Bobo. Yeah. That chick, you don't even feel it. Taking the blood out of your own.

Damn. Oh, she's tremendous. Airport or hospital? I'm serious. Fucking that hospital. Okay. Oh, my God. When I walk in there and the Bob Hope, when I got to give a physical or whatever,

I always see her and I get happy. Because I'm dead serious. Yeah. She's been the... She's a champ, huh? There's a little Filipino check up here. Up at this one up here. Valley fucking Martin St.

Loren, whatever that hospital is over here right here by the Boston market. I don't know the fucking name. I'm just saying they always give names to all the hospitals I know. Like who gives the fuck this right hospital on the side. I just want to know where I go and I believe the death.

You think I'm going to go drive me to my perfume. I don't think that's a hospital name. Martin St. Loren. That is a fucking perfume. I don't fuck. No. I don't fucking know. What I look like? I'm sophisticated. I'm not sophisticated, dude.

I'm not. But here, I just want to at least let everybody know that the pedophile died. I don't want people thinking that I did. He was 80. I couldn't even see him. The 90 is still pedophile. Jesus Christ. A 90-year-old pedophile.

Somebody has not been doing their fucking job. He took us to a Maryland Manson concert. My first concert ever been to, dude. He was probably about 82, right? We were 14, bro. He takes us to Manson or 15. But I remember being in a bathroom, me and my buddy Scott, and somebody's like, how old is those kids? And somebody else is like, oh, they're fucking like 13.

And I remember the guy going, oh, somebody's going to fuck them. That's what the dude said, bro. In the bathroom, an adult. What is like, what? Dude, and then we're back in the audience. Just to say that. I don't even go home and go. What happened to those two kids?

I hope they'd get fucked. What fuck is? Like you're like in bed. I'm gonna say my prayers. How can you say your prayers? Don't you say what happened to those two kids? They might be getting fucked right now. Nobody intervened.

What fucking savage would say that to some kids? What a heartless fucking Muppet monster is out there? What about the parents? Was it just like free, like babysitting? No, I don't know. Are you fucking crazy? Where were the parents? His parents went home watching.

daytime television. He's 14. He told me he was going to the library to do a fucking book report and the girl told her parents the same thing. But they already had it worked out with this 82 year old pedophile that we'll go to the Madison Maryland Manson concert and after the concert we'll see what happens.

What did he dress like? Did he just like an old man or did he just like a Maryland? No, he dressed like fucking Tom Jones. What does he look like he's dressed like in your vision of him? It was even like an old man with like khakis and a brown belt

What difference would it make? What difference would it make? He did he fucking do He can't disguise Who are you? You're the fucking Tom Ford of pedophiles You give a fuck

He's a profile of a pedophiles You can't what pedophiles Where? Who the foot? They're 82, yeah 82 And they're going to Maryland Manchin concerts

Landing everywhere Like the jeans in the shirt, like the Maryland Manson shirt and let you try to rock out in 82. What, dude? What are you fucking saying? I'm not blaming it on you, bro. I am fucking lit, bro.

Lee Say that. Fucking Asian Americans. Right there. Fucking Coco. Oh, my God. What's a matter, Lee? It's a beautiful fucking night to be alive, people. This is it.

That's all the pains on my name. You can sit there and go, ah. I owe this guy eight hundred. I owe this guy, oh, you can fucking giggle your way to me. That's true, dude. You owe everybody. Fucking many a night I sat there. Cried to myself.

For you, wasting my time. Lying there. Wasting your time, whatever. And at the end, they're going to do dick. What changed it for you, man? Because I literally feel like I spent the last 13 years in the life. I still fucking sit there at night like a mo-mo. You know, listen, man, it's a DNA thing with me.

You know, I'm the type of guy. If I go out, before I come home, I drive by Lees. You know, oh, I drive by Felicia. Is anybody in my birth, Christ. just to make sure the house is not on fine. It's not like I knock on the door and go, hey, Joey's out of here patrol in the area. No, I just driving. Joey's out of here fucking using facial moisturizer.

I'll be honest, bro. I use fucking facial moisturizer, bro. I'll admit some shit, dude. I'll get some shit off my chest. I use facial moisturizer, bro. What else, dude? I fucking wet the bed until I was 28. I still wet the bed.

Yeah, you got it. Never mind. Not every week. Yeah, not every week like a fucking Muppet. I did it like a fucking Bichon. Once a year, you're at a peanut bed. You go fucking let it go. Let the holes go.

Yeah, once a year I said it's ain't for you, toilet. Not fucking keep it for myself, son. I did like into like middle school. You did? Yeah, it was tough. It was tough because like you can't control it. That is true. You can't control it.

And other kids, like you can't go sleep at other kids' houses. I'm gonna sit there like a fucking. mother. Come to summer camp. I can't. Yeah, you can't. You got to bring special sheets.

Yeah, yeah, you show. I used to have to bring special sheets when I went to Sacred Heart. Damn. I used to have those special, the one that they put under the sheets,

like a fucking rubble, like a baby. And it sounded when you got on the bed, it sounded like fucking. Yeah, like young grandma's friend. It's shit. Sounds like it looks like break.

Dude, they used to have a buzzet. Did it ever give you that? The buzzer, if it got wet, it would go off and wake you up? No. They had these buzzer underwear

in an early 90s or late 80s. And I remember they gave them to me, and if it buzzed it, if it buzzed and it went off, it will wake you up. And, uh, you go to the back. Yeah. Oh, it was a bad idea for sure. I'm sure some fucking, I'm sure some fucking retort died.

I thought what a bad idea was. A second stem we ate. That was a bad idea. Yeah, I got to fucking be on stage in a little while. Yeah, you might as well call up now. You think? Oh, yeah, you ain't driving. You know, oh, I, I, I didn't smoke any weed, though. Doesn't matter. That shit tells, that shit lies to you. mushrooms lie to you

all those simple side of mushrooms acid they lie to you like I just got a good laugh you get in the car you start that motherfucker awesome you get that second rush yeah this is deadly shit just comes at you like a way yeah you might as well we got some weed

we got some record players that's it listen to music fucking get stoned I didn't bring enough weeds you'll even fucking wants to get high so I just brought a little can That's the fault. Dude, I'll tell you, oh, the child molest, let me just say at least, yeah, he died.

He died in prison everybody. So I don't want people. So he did get the rest of that at the end. Well, yeah, here's how we knew. Finally, one time he went and got steaks with us, and my buddy was in the kitchen. I was in the kitchen. I know a good one's coming. I was in the kitchen.

And my buddy was sitting in the living room with him. And I said, I yelled back in the living room. I said, hey, Big Richard. That's what his name was. I said, do you have any sour cream? And my buddy Scott, who's sitting when him yells back, no, but you can have some of this sweet cream, right? And then I hear Big Richard who's sitting there sitting next to my buddy

say to him, can I have some? That's what he said. And that's when it all changed in our heads. Like he's not as a friendly, older dude buying a steak and smoking us out. Yeah. brother he's a fucking madman it's got that fucking whose goose is loose and he's looking to fucking touch some young jump he wants to feel that fucking young fucking pump in his hands again so anyway you know I sit here in front of you like a man I tell you that I was in front

I grew up around some fucked up people yeah like I didn't know to years later or you know like now how they died they died in prison but I grew up around some fucked up people like my mom took chances of me being in that bar yeah she took a big chance of me when I was a kid she'd tell me I don't like in the fucking bar because any night shit's gonna happen in that ball when I was a young young young I saw the gay guy Martin pull a gun on on not doing his brother in that like in the afternoon like a two in the afternoon over the word money gone over the word faggot in Spanish that was the Gay fella pulled a gun?

Oh, tremendous gay fella. Tremendous, tremendous. And then that was that. And then another night there was an incident with two guys pulled a gun. And I was in there. I must have been about 11. And after that, my mom's like, you know what, man?

That's it. No more to bar shit. But it was my world. It was my little fucking world. That little stock office in the back was me. The area was me. Yeah. Is that Yulelea?

Buzant fucking snoring over there? I just feel like somebody's house. I'm thinking like it's my emphysema and it's fucking Lee. I'm like, fuck, my emphysema's acting up. It's fucking Lee over there past out snowing up a storm. Fucking lifting like I'm fucking dude. And you know what, man, I sit here sometimes. That's what I think about at night.

Like these fucking guys I was around and not once was I asked to touch somebody's dick. Like I read some of this testimony. And my heart stops. Oh, yeah. Because I didn't come from this world. Not at all. Like, not at all. One time in the eighth grade,

I fucking got in some guy's car and his hands slipped and he touched my dick. And now I think about, you know, not even... Was there an accident? No, it was purposely. He touched my dick on the way up just to see my reaction. And if I was meek,

he would have attacked. Wow. At the light, the door opened. And I just ran out of there with the basketball. And it's so weird, I've been thinking about this topic because now I have a child. And you have to watch them.

You know, and I was talking to my sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law is the sweetest person in the world. And she got molested? No, and she told me one day, and we were talking, and she doesn't do me your family. Now that you have a child, I just want you to know something, trust nobody. Wow.

You don't want those people. Do surprise attacks. Don't trust nobody with your kid. Yeah, yeah, and you have to. Yeah. And she's a Christian chick, don't curse, don't drink, don't smoke dope. You know, this is something like a paranoid individual. She raised the daughter.

and I know there was issues one time, and there was issues with the guy of the church that was a pastor. You know? But why do you think they go to the church, man? Just a safe place, huh? They probably go to the church because honestly, they probably feel like they really need God. They just don't want, I mean... Why did people keep bringing their children to Michael Jackson? Even after...

It's like the people who got up. I was those people. Hey, Coke's not for nothing. You can't snort Coke. You're going to die. And we kept snorting Coke. Hey, bro, you can't keep smoking cigarettes. They keep smoking cigarettes.

You can't go on to McDonald's and eating cheeseburgers. But we love it. That's one thing. But for you to bring a child. A CH ILD. To somebody that you know is a fucking pervert to give you two million. That's crazy. That's fucking crazy. For years.

Those people should be burned, man. I say burn them, bro. Talk, for years, I lived with a little woman that grew up in a cult. and the fucking stories were beyond belief. I mean, I got some stories that are beyond belief if you want to get down

and really get down. But why go there? Right. There's no reason to go there. Yeah, that's why I keep you. What this girl told me made me hate her parents because, again,

I don't give a fuck what you do. I don't give a fuck about what you do. But for you to drag your kid Dark cave What's up, like What's going on, buddy? You're all right over there? You want to go outside and get to Matt?

Okay. Tell me the truth. You want to go outside and get to man? Let me do some fucking... Let me do some fucking call. A shout-outs here and we'll wrap this motherfucker up. I think that's the idea. He's feeling fucked up.

Now, don't start. Let them get electrocuted. It's all right. We need somebody to get electrocuted on the show. I got electric cute when I was younger, man. And actually, you know who saved me, bro? Not even a brother saved me, man. And I don't know if you're out there.

Would you stop already? You got electric. Yeah, at the fair. At the fair, they used to let us come in a day early to the fair to test the rides. We didn't know. We didn't know. We didn't know we were getting kids. 30 cents.

Get on the rides. Look at them. Please on the ones and twos now. Like a fucking. You look like a fucking Eminem. I'm not afraid Dale A machine going to get

Kelly You want some man dog Is it time Is it time for you to get some man Lee? Lee, we don't give a fuck The fucking can And hit Lee

You can get up You need help to get up And go get some man You're not going to vomit on the fucking table I'm okay The cannon hit Lee man Lee finally said We went out three nights in a row

He got me doing mushrooms on a Monday night My main man The Australian warrior Aus warrior My man Conrad Leclair Burning sage Parrish Mickey Pearly sweet cake

Bobby and Crystal My main people in Austin representing Amen Freddy Correa over there Fucking comic of the year in Vegas Lance Armands Trout My dog and my fucking band, Hero Jr., making it fucking happen. Rest in peace, man.

They're bad motherfuckers. Oh, they die? I thought of those people who died, bro. No, no. These people are people that die. They're still alive and kicking me. They think I've called them out. If they were dead, I wouldn't give two Frenchmen.

Lee, how are you feeling? You need some air. You need some water. Talk to me. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just really, I'm good. Don't keep telling me you're fine, though.

What are you on the date? What else is? What else was my dates? Can I throw my dates in? You can do whatever you want. Hold on. We can even close it up. Oh, my bad, man.

I'm fucked up, dude. No, no, no, no, don't fucking ever say, man, man. You're a great guest. You made me fucking dial after here. To see you and Lee tonight is a fucking the way to end the month. This is a true fucking labor day. Whatever the fuck it is.

What is it? Memorial Day. Memorial Day. It's a weaker soldiers, yes. You got to pull out the fucking flag if you're a fucking soldier and shit. represent these motherfuckers who get on a plane to go stab people who are fucking creepy. They're warriors, dude. I could never do that.

I really do. I can never do that. You have to take a minute. I could stab somebody. You don't have to wear a fucking, listen, dog, that's the problem. Everybody has to wear a suit or fucking flag on their lapel. That's all bullshit. Amen.

It's 10 minutes of your time when you're on the balcony, smoking the joint go, Jesus Christ. Look at the fucking freedoms that I have. Yeah. Look at the freedoms that I have right now. I'm not doing dick. Yeah. There's a dude right now who's smoking a joint over there in war zone, but it's because for the last 16 hours,

he's been getting hit with fucking shrapnel and body parts and smelling fucking people getting lit on fire. Yeah. And here I am complaining, because I got to get up in four hours. Ain't that a fucking bitch. You know what I'm saying? Amen. So you always got to think that's the real Memorial Day.

It's not about a fucking barbecue. And you don't have to look at a wall and make believe you give a fuck. It's about just realizing what happened and going, Jesus Christ. That's the biggest thing is realization. Yes. Getting on a fucking plane and going over to a foreign place and people talking to you to a fucked-up language and then they're trying to attack you. You don't know who's who.

They all look like Lee Syatt. You're like, what the fuck is going on in my world? Yeah, they don't know. You want to fuck them? So this Netflix special, you're doing well with it. It's got great numbers. People really like it. I feel like it.

people. I think people like it. But you just don't know. It just inspired me. It gives you a chance. I know putting out a special an album, you get to see yourself a little bit. It gives you a chance to step away from that.

And now for the first time I feel like, you know, people recognize me as a comedian. I have fans for the first time, you know? And so I feel like that's like a blessing. I didn't really realize it before. I thought I had a million fans. That's a lot of that's in your head.

But now I feel like I have real fans who like want to know what's going on. Like I have people that were excited. I was coming here today. You know? And so that's good, man. That shit made me feel fucking... That shit made me feel fucking human, dude. You know?

Poorly. He's having a hard fucking time. He's beautiful now. He's a beautiful. He's just got the fucking Lord running through his veins. I love that, bro. That's Christ. That's Christ reaching for him.

You can see that. If you've been with the podcast, this day one. You can see that, man. Lee is the fucking man. And tonight we finally fucking... Lee. I could see it.

I can see it after this podcast goes. You have no idea. People see, I'm the motherfucker who sees him an hour after this and sees how funny Lee is. And he'll pass out right in front of you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's an animal.

You turn the lights off, you're black sabbaton. He'll come to life every like eight minutes. And Shane said, I'm getting scared. And that's the crazy part. Some people would be like, ah,

that's fucked up. But to be brave enough to just let yourself go like that and relax like that, that's a beauty that. I fucking don't have that I wish I had, man. You know? He's looking for fucking Easter baskets, you know?

That's beautiful, dude. When you fucking just lift out and start looking for Easter baskets, brough, you know, when you feel like the fucking brothers ain't chasing you anymore. Like, I'll be honest what you do. 90% of my day. He's thinking about brothers chasing. Yeah. I feel like they got fucking.

brothers only two blocks over. Leave the brothers alone, will you? What I'm saying? Honestly. Leave the brothers. The whole name ball of nobody. They ain't chasing nobody. I know they're not. I'm just saying that's what I just think in my head.

You want me to share? No, no, I had the same problem for you. Okay. Well, damn, talk. And it just wasn't brothers. I had 15 different people chasing me. I'm the real fucking deal. I had sickles of our kids.

I had countries you never even heard of and shit. People chasing me. Lee, wake up. Damn, Tom. You need some fucking air. You want another star to balance you out? What do we need here? I don't need another star to balance me out.

That's what you need. You need some pH. The star I got to he gives me... I don't think you know what pH is. Listen, pH 1, it's a beautiful thing. What we do is he's got special stars to have a special pH to bring you back to life a little. I feel like a fucking Christmas traveler right now. I'm telling you, dog.

This is the way to do it on a fucking Thursday night. It really is, man. Sitting around with your little fucking buddies. All right. Two stamps. Fucking Coco Diaz. We did it. Bam.

I'll be in Cleveland next weekend. At hilarities. Nope. I'm actually at the Hard Rock Casino. Look at you. Right downtown in the middle of everything. Hard Rock, Roxino. Bids lapping motherfuckers.

So I'm looking forward to that. That's Friday through Sunday in Cleveland. The week after that. Wait, give me the paperwork. And then where you're at? The week after that. Because it's already the end of May. You know that, Joey?

No shit. I'm thinking about the same fucking thing. I'm already thinking about June 1st. Damn. Right? Because I got no business till June 8. Yeah, I'm at the hard. Hard Rock, Rocksino in Cleveland.

It's actually in the birds, man. Hard Rock, Ruxino in Cleveland, Northfield, it's called. June 3rd through the 5th. And then I'm at Punchline in Atlanta, June 9th through the 12th. You catch me on Doug Benson's podcast. I'll be on his podcast there, too. I think they're taping that there. Then I'm going to the beach with my family.

We'll be down there in fucking St. Joe's. I don't know if it's Alabama or Florida. It's going to be fucked up. I'll be vlogging a little bit of that. I've dropped a vlog on YouTube. You can check it out. It's called This Past Weekend. And I'll be with my family.

And then that's it, man. If I can just say it crazy shit now, I'm so fucked up. In July, I'll be in... You're like, man, next May, I'm going to be at the barbecue. I'll be eating pizza. At least I... I'm just going through my calendar, no? Jesus Christ.

Give me two dates. He whips out. The fucking... He whipsed a fuck. He whips out the web page. He starts dropping dates in 2018. Look at the producer, dude. He's doing a tour with a show in 2018.

I'll be giving blood. And this is the poor fucking zambos. Go get some hair already, you fuck. You're going to sit there, mm, mm, like a Buddhist who's been shot. Hey, but look, in typical memorial. If we ain't leaving this fucking soldier. We ain't fucking leaving this wounded warrior, man. And just thank you guys so much for having me.

Mundo warriors. You see those people ripped themselves up. I love it. Dog, I hate fucking those people. I hate all those fucking fake foundations. Oh, all those fake foundations, man. Yeah. It is sad when people do that connection.

Fuck. Anyway, why I drag a dog in here? You want to give you money, bro? Give you money to your fucking neighbor. Find somebody who you know in person that fucking needs to help. A black dude of 7-Eleven. We ain't bothering nobody. There you go.

First one at the door who's polite, all right? There you go. First one at the door is polite. And I will be at that barbecue. I ain't mad at you. No, I know you're not. Let's do this shit. All right, please.

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You have 100 nights, okay? That's why everybody from GQ Magazine to Forbes, all talking about Helix Sleep. You go to helixleep.com right now. This is what I'm going to do, slash Joey, and I'm going to give you $50 off your order. That's helixleep.com slash Joey, and that's $50 off your first order. Helixleep.com slash Joey. Listen to me.

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You got smart cars, you got smart phones, you got smart homes. Technology has made everything smart. But losing your stuff still makes smart people feel stupid. Dean Delray said for the first time of his life

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Bam, I'm going to give you a 30% off your entire order. Go to the T-H-E-Tracker.com and at the promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H. The hardest thing you'll ever have to find is their website. But do me a favor.

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30% off your order. That's how we make it happen here at the church of what's happened now. And never, but never forget honor.com. Because, you know, without honor,

I wouldn't fucking be here right now. Oh, dude. Without the alpha brain, cycle I do, without my hemp force protein. You're on steroids or now? No,

look at me. I'm a fat fuck. What steroids? If I was on steroids, I had muscles, I'd be choking him right now. I'd be helping him out right now. The Lord's got him.

The Lord's got laid. I didn't know, no, you know, you look at me. I got no, fuck, dog. We got no muscle.

That could be fat. This is all fucking fat. It could be loose muscle. I got itches over here. I got a rash into my armpit that's killing me and shit. Put a diaper on it. Fuck that shit. Now I'm getting all itchy from the mushrooms and shit.

There was some fucking cyro-papiduses and shit. This poor bastard. You might as well call 911 right now and put Tracker on your ass. Holy Tracker.com. Just God knows where they're going to take it. I'm going to lose you for sure. I know you got this track. Let's call a ambulance, bro.

No, let's not call one of those. Mexican ambulance is down the corner. They'll take it to a night. Yeah, it'll take you ever. $150, dude, jerk y'all. $100. And they'll jerk you all. That's the type of people that my main man... I know, girl, for $360, dude, we'll fucking treat you right

for 24 hours. Beautiful woman. 360, there you go. Look, look, he's falling asleep. Anyway, that's why the problem with this fucking Mamook is. He don't take Shroom Tech sport, and he don't take Shroom Tech immune. He's a fucking mook. Anyway, do me a favor.

I go to honor.com right now and press in the code. Hit it church. Church. How do you spell it? C-H-U-R-C-H? There you go. Boom. And you get 10% off.

You order delivered right to your house, man. Don't play around. Listen, Audit is the way to go. I wouldn't blow smoke up your ass. It's a great. Sure you're fucking hot. Look, he's taking his shirt off.

This is a muscle content. I'm high. By the way, you're saying, am I on steroids? Look at me, I'm a fat fuck. I look at cheeseburger. What's bad and shit? Muscle.

This ain't muscle. You just made me scratch my arm. I'm pulling my shirt up. If I had muscles, I wouldn't have fucking sleeves. Anyway, again, dragger.com right now. I want to thank Helix Sleep. I want to thank On it. I want to thank my main man, Theo Vaughn for coming on and saying,

fuck these motherfuckers. We're going to eat the shroom, and that's how we do it here. That's what the people died for us for. That's right. It's fucking Wednesday night at the church studios. We love you, motherfucker. Stay black. See you Sunday night for a special late memorial day.

A little addition to the church just to break the monotony up, I love that, bro. See you Muppets in the mud. Put the fucking music on, Lee. Come on, Lee. Let's do this shit. Church us out. Joey.

Thank you. You do this shit. The quicker we fucking get up. Oh, shit. Listen to this shit, Diova. I'm getting all scratchy from the fucking mushroom now. No, bro. That's shit.

It's like eating three Vikingsons. Now I'm burping fucking dog shit. I burp in the back. I don't know what was worse. My burp or my piss. The worst is when you're trying to get a, uh, when you're eating a girl out, cheek stuff. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Stop with the Mac of my own time I hate this trick out I fucking love it Lord You would tell me to That was a good I don't read this girl out This show

This show was brought to you by Tracker Never lose anything again with Tracker Listeners of this show Get 30% off of their entire order When you go to theetracker.com And enter promo code church That's TheTracker.com T-H-E tracker.com

And enter promo code church This show is also brought to you by Helixleep.com. Helix Sleep allows you to get custom mattresses made online for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. Go to Helixleep.com slash Joey right now and get $50 off of your order. That's Helixleksleep.com slash Joey to get $50 off of your order. Helixleksleep.com slash Joey. And go to Onet.com and use code word church to save 10% on all the great optimization products

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