The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #385 - Brad Williams

Episode Date: June 2, 2016

Brad Williams, Comedian and co-host of the "About Last Night Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey and download the Free Headspace App and start your Take10 10 day free trial.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 06/01/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Headspace. Download the free Headspace app and begin their Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at Headspace.com slash Joey. The Headspace Take10 program is a 100% free way to experience the benefits of meditation in your busy and modern life. So go to headspace.com slash Joey to download the free headspace app. That's headspace.com slash Joey to download the free Headspace app. And go to Onit.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of the.

the great optimization products like alpha brain, new mood, Shroom Tech immune, and ShumTech Sport. Oh shit. It's that time, motherfuckers. Wednesday, June 1st, a little Rod Stewart. Old school fucking Rod.

Before the fucking sperm shakes. What do you think about that? Oh shit. Drop it. There wasn't a woman alive he hadn't fucking at this point in his career. Not a woman alive. When you see this video, you're like, What the fuck?

Yeah. Church of what's happening now? Brad Williams. Lee Syatt. My man Lawrence in Vegas. Talking layer, you bad motherfucker. Oh shit. All around your face.

Love it. What the fuck? That is a hard-hitting fucking jail. Yeah, it's a good baseline, too. Oh, Rod Stewart. Yeah, I think Carmen had a piece playing the drums. I mean, he was fucking doing it. Brad Williams in the house today, God damn.

You know what? Thanks for playing that song because, like, I'm 32, so, like, the only stuff that I know from Rod Stewart is, like, him on the Musketeers soundtrack, like, let it all for love, an awful one, like that kind of shit. Like, or, like, passion. Like that song.

Do you want me tell you something, bro? I like passion. You like passion? Well, they all had to compete. There was one point. Even the Stones did the one album, Black and Blue. Right, right, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it came out in 75 or 76, but they put hot stuff on it.

Yeah. You know, Kiss did, you know, I was made for loving you, baby. Everybody had to complete. They all did it. Everybody had to try. The studios probably told you, listen. On this album, we'll let you fucking blow an arrow in your head and do heroin. But you've got to give us a little dance track to get the party started.

You know what that passion is really good in? What's that? No. You know what song is? It's really good. What's that? Infatuation. Infatuation.

With Focko on the guitar. And then Fucco bails in the middle of the tour in 84. And I went to see him, Rod Stewart, without Fico. But that movie, you know what I'm talking about? Infactuation. No. Go. Would you search for Rod Stewart?

Fatcoation Rod Stewart. Yeah. The fucking guitar on this. What did you search for? Infratuation. Ron Stewart? Yeah. Listen to it.

It is phenomenal. Like you forget. Well, you guys were kids. Yeah. You guys were babies. Yeah, so I didn't know about this kind of shit. I forget who the fucking guitar player is on this. Another bass line.

Oh, shit. Jesus fucking Christ. The guitars. Oh, no, the guitar's on. I forget the fucking guy's name. God damn it. Bah, ba-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-ha. I'm tired.

Horns, everything. A bazooka, a jeep. Just about any song, you bring in horns. Solid. So this is when the head Chinese guy is walking over the bridge to go see the fucking gangsters in Year of the Dragon with Mickey Rourke. Oh, nice. This is the jam they put on as he's walking through the fucking fire escape and shit.

Oh, man. Into the hidden corridors of Chinatown. Do you see that movie? I did. Oh, old. Oh, old. They don't play. They play it once every 18 months because they hate Mickey Roark.

It's like Pope of Greenwich Village. You see it once every 18 months because they hate Mickey Roe. Why do they hate Mickey Roe? You know, I'm just making a joke. I don't know if it's even true. Because we always hear about that, like, just like certain actors are just blackball. You know, they'll play the wrestler. Right.

And every once in a while, wait night, you'll see nine and a half weeks on Showtime with Cinemax. late late late but besides that they don't play you know once in I was just thinking about the Pope of Greenwich Village I was having a conversation with somebody and there's a part where Mickey Roark gets fired and he comes out to see

Eric Roberts and Eric Robert goes you know he has he breaks his button on his suit and he goes you fucking broke the button on my suit and Eric Robert goes Charlie what are your fancy suit for you got no job to wear it and he goes tell me why I don't have no job because you got me fired you're fucked

That's a great line. They have a couple great, one of my all-time favorite lines that really makes sense. Okay. Is the first line of the movie. And unless you've borrowed money, you understand this. Okay, what's the line? He walks in and the guy looks at Mickey Rock and he goes, the bathroom, whatever his name is. Let's just say, and he was played by Carmine from the Sopranos.

Okay. The old guy that died in the chicken salad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was young and he's in the bathroom pissing. And Mickey Rock walks in and the guy. goes oh how come nobody keeps me waiting when they're looking to borrow which is the truth when you tell somebody and he needs $10.00 and they're like okay meet me at the bar at 3 o'clock you're there at 10 to 3 right right right in your hand

shit you know but that's a great fucking line yeah it keeps me waiting when they're looking to borrow yeah and that's something to pay the time to pay the train the bus who are these people that make you feel guilty for asking for the money that you gave them. Like that's always fascinating to me when I'm like, hey dude, you got that like I lent you 500 bucks. And I'm like, dude, really? You gotta come at me with the, I need my $500. And like, yes,

because it's my money. It's not yours. That's why you have to just give it as a gift. Yeah. And that makes your life uneasy. I did that. Here's the 500 when you get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did that. It's funny to bring that up. I did that last week. A friend of mine got in jail.

for DUI and needed a thousand bail. And I did it. And then he was trying to tell me like, don't worry. Like, as soon as I get enough, I'm like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. No. Let's call a spade a spade. You're not going to pay me back.

So don't. Don't worry about it. I'm never going to ask for it. So never. Just fine. What is it like getting that phone call? Because, like, I've never been on the other end of that. And I know Joey's been on the other end of that.

But getting a phone call saying you've been like your friends locked up. What would that like? Well, it depends on who the friend is. For some friends, you jump out of bed. You're like, all right. And there's never a hesitation. And this is what that friend was. Like, this is a friend that I would never hesitate for anything like that for.

Right. So, but like if it's a friend where you're kind of on the fence and, you know, they're only calling you because they know you have the money. Oh, yeah. Enjoy jail. Yeah. And I've had those too. I did that to my cousin.

So. What did your cousin do? Oh no, like what? Yeah. You just don't like your cousin? No, I just can't talk about it. Okay. So, like, yeah, he called me up and it's like, dude, I need.

And I'm like, no, you're going to, I think you should hang out in jail for a while. Gee, what is that like for you, Joe? What was it like? Well, for years, you know, when you're running and gunning, you always have to have one person that you go to for a quick loan. Yeah. Like, I need 2,000 because I'm going to buy 800 quailudes. and a dollar a piece and we'll make fucking this.

And, you know, you pay them back their Vig and their money and you make them money, you know. As long as everybody makes money, it's fine, you know, like one of those deals. But I've been on the other end when I've been in jail. Yeah. And I had to call people and go, listen, I need $200 on my books, you know, or $500 on my books. And it's a tough call. Yeah. But they're family.

Right. You know, and I've had plenty of people telling me no. Sure. And I've still talked to them. I got mad for two weeks and then I understood weeks later. That they have a family and this and this and this. They have their own responsibilities. And they have their own responsibilities.

Yeah, you have to take it. You have to take the personal, like you can't take it personally. You can't, they're not doing this to fuck me. They're doing this to save themselves. Not, they're not doing it to like, to be because they don't like me or they like, fuck my life. They're just doing it because they personally cannot do it at the, at the time. They have other responsibilities. And you have to remember, when you're asking, you're leaving the door open to say no.

Like, that is an option. So when they take that option, you can't get upset. You can't really get mad. And if you put yourself in that position that you're in jail, that you're asking for money, can you really get mad at someone for saying no for not bailing out? If you're the one that put yourself there? I don't know. I've never been to jail, so I'm not sure.

Like that mindset. Now, when I've been to jail and there were low bails, I called like Lee. Wait, come on now and get me out. It's a $2,000 bail to $200. That's low? Oh, okay. 10% is $200. Yeah.

Do you follow me? Shit like that. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't too bad when I got in trouble in Colorado. That was a tough call. What was that bail? 50,000 cash bail. So you needed the whole thing?

I need the whole thing. Yeah, that's the thing. I didn't know this. I've never bailed anyone out. out like that. So when I, so when they said, oh, the bail's a thousand. I was like, okay, well, here's my credit card. And they're like, no, no, no, no. I had a box. Cash or bond. And you see all these reports on bail bonds that once you get into that system, they just keep fucking over and raising rates and it's impossible to finally get it paid off. So just if you can do it in

full, do it. So did someone take you 50,000? No. What happened was I had about 20, so I needed 30. But I also thought I needed 30 for the attorney. Oh, I see. So I was light fucking, you know, 40 or something like that. I don't know what the fuck I was light. So what I did was I sat in there and I showed up with people from the community. Because that's how you lower your bail. You have to have connections to the community.

You have to have ties. Ties to the community. Yeah. So my future father-in-law came in and they put my bail from $50,000 cash bail to $25. thousand dollar cash bail. I told him I could give him 20 if he put up to 25 and I would owe him five and he just said let me put the 25

up and just show up to the fucking court. Wow. That's a father-in-law. And he wasn't really my father one at the time. I was just dating his daughter. Oh my God. Wow. I didn't know a fucking idea. Jeez. That's

that's an angel in your life, dude. You had no fucking idea. God. The first retainer Yeah. It was 7,500. And that fucking, then he called me four days later for another 10. Had he gone through the first 7,500, or he was just like, this is going to take more?

No, he went through it. In four days. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the amazing part about that is, I mean, rare cases you'll find a lawyer that's like, hey, I don't get paid unless it works out for you. But, yeah, it's very rare. Well, no, you're not going to get paid unless if you get hit by a fucking bicycle. Yeah.

You're not going to get paid until you get the money and then I get paid. Right. But in a criminal case, there's no fucking, there's no IOUs. Right, right, right. You've got to show up with something. And then as we work, we've got to come to an agreement. You're going to drop something off every Friday. Do you get that back or no?

From the attorney? No, no, I'm sorry, the bail. The bail, yeah, you get the two grand back. Okay. So you get the money back. You just, but if I don't show to court. you lose your money. Yeah.

And that's what I didn't want. Along the way, like, once he put the money up for me, he was just letting me know that you're going to court for this. Yeah. I'll put the money up, but you're going to pay for this. Yeah, but you better show up. And I had different thoughts. I had friends that, you know, wanted to help me out for me to go, like,

work for Hertz and, like, fucking Columbia is some shit. Yeah. But I didn't want to be on the run. Not for that. I didn't want to be in the run for that. Now, some people know that how they react, or how they would react in certain situations. I know that jail, no.

Never for me. Like, I don't know who says it is for them, but there are some people that can be engaged in a lifestyle that are going like, yeah, I'd be willing to go for X amount of reasons. For me, no, I know that I'd be a puss. I'd be just taking advantage of it, and not even necessarily sexually, just bossed around. Yeah.

Yeah, like... First off, there's so many different places when you get locked up. On TV, they only show you the bad places. Right. They don't want to show you the places that are cushy. Yeah. Because they don't want America to think that you're cushy on Invex. Sure, sure, sure.

You know, they get to a point in a system where you come into a niche. And that place is, you know, you can walk around. You could go to the store. You know, in my situation, you had 20 minutes a day to go to the store. Wow. Grant me, the store, let's pretend we're in this facility here. Yeah. The store was 50 yards away.

Right. You know, what can you do? Yeah. You know, all you could do was a store. There was a Chinese restaurant. There was like a clothing place or something and something else. You go there and walk around the store or something. What I used to do was I used to order the Chinese food.

So it'd be ready for me when I got over that. There you go. So I would sign up early. Let's say 2 o'clock. Yeah. And at 10 to 2, I would call my order in. And I'd tell them, listen, I'm an invict. So when I call, you got to have the food ready.

You got to have forks. You got to have all the sauce. Yeah, don't be taking your time. I can't walk back into prison and be missing my fucking full job pie cake. Yeah. Yeah. That works out.

But loaning money is, uh, I had a call a couple of weeks ago. Mm-hmm. A dear friend of mine, you know, he'd give me the world that we were switched. And before he could ask, I just said, where can I send you five hundred bucks? Yeah. And I got it off me. I didn't feel guilty. You know, I don't really.

Yeah. There's some people, some people that you can give money to. And just, it's never even a hesitation where it's just like, no, I actually feel good giving this money to you and allowing you this relief. And then there's some people where you're just like, oh, God. Well, there's people who are just lazy. Yeah. There's people who come up to you and say, well, I have a friend that called me a few weeks ago. I'm broke, I'm broke, I'm broke, I'm broke.

I got off the phone with him. And I was just about to fucking send them money. And I go, no. Because I know this guy. He has a girlfriend. Yeah. And he's not upset because he's paying because he's not paying his bills. He's upset because he paid his bills.

He just has nothing left over to be a big shot. Right, for the girl. Fuck him. Yeah, so you don't want to be. Fuck him. Yeah, you don't want to pay for his nice dinner. Right. So he could, you know, get him out of his dilemma.

So he could be a big shot. So we can look at the wine list and not flinch. If Lee came to me and he said, I was tapped, I'd give him the 200. and I know that he would take his girlfriend for a $20 dinner. Yeah. You follow me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this guy just wants to be Johnny Bananas.

He can't take her for a $20 dinner. Instead of telling me he's a broke dick, he won't tell her. Right. So he lives in this facade with her. So every weekend it's got to be museums, this, this, this, this. Yeah. And all that shit, you know, New York City, that's a nickel. Yeah.

That's $300. That's $400. You know, those drinks he drinks, they're not $3 no more. Those fucking Cosmos and shit, they're nine. Yeah. The chick has three. those it's $30 before you even got the appetizer. It's always funny to be at a bar or a restaurant and you kind of look around and you see the guys that are on dates and they're doing the math in their head like, oh shit, okay.

There's that. And they're like going like, all right, the appetizers like $9 plus tax. And they're like going through it all just going like, oh man, do I have enough? Like do I have enough to? No, that's not what real men are thinking. Real men are thinking, do I have enough? Real men are like, you know what? it'll set me back two nights, but I'm taking it out of her hide.

It's just more times I'm going to come in the mouth. Yeah. You know, that's how disgusting view. Oh, absolutely. When we're 21, we're like, oh, yeah. Eat the fucking lobster bisque. Because look, do you see the load? I'm going to put on your cheek on that one.

And they just look at you like, they think like you're really in love. You just look at them. And you're seeing a vision of them, just whipping them and fucking throwing them out the window and peeing on it and shit. You're like, no, you had the bisque. That makes sense. And it all makes sense in your head at that time. Do you remember early dating when you went out and you wanted something to eat, but you didn't get it because you didn't want to go over your budget?

That's that? Excuse me. You didn't want to go over your budget. Oh, yeah. I still do that. What do you mean early dating? It's hysterical. It's hysterical.

Sometimes you go out and you're like, I hope she doesn't get the soup. Or you wait to see what she orders. Yeah. I remember dating like at 23. I'm like, wait to see what she orders. would order. Like if she would get the lobster fried yalla, I'd take the salad. Yeah, I'm like, fuck it,

because I can't afford it. And then she's drinking. Yeah. She's doing these cosmos like that fucking Gatorade. Like, she just ran a mile. What the fuck? You know, at nine bucks a pop and you're sitting there go, man, maybe I should just get the water. She's like, you should get a wine so we could celebrate. 899 for the water.

And then the part that gets me is, I used to be a waiter, so I like to tip at least 15, like 18, 20%. Yeah. So, and especially places like that. It's like that's another 20, 40 bucks. Right. And it's funny.

That's why they ask the woman what she wants first. So the guy has that time to be like, oh, okay. Yeah, she's your fillet. All right, I'll have the burger. Yeah, I'll have the burger, the slider appetizer. I'm not going to eat nothing. I thought you were hungry. I hated earlier.

My mom. Yeah. She just kept me. I'll eat the bread. I'm good. What happens at, like, Hollywood meetings. I like it. My favorite, I went to a lunch with all the interns when I first moved out here, and everyone

ordered water. And then the big boss ordered lemonade, and the entire 20-person table went around the table, and everyone ordered lemonade because they didn't want to, like, be expensive, but then they wanted to, like, suck up. Right. I'm sure that happens all the time. Oh, I mean, they had that commercial. It was the Sam Adams commercial that then Dave Chappelle parodied when the, you know, the,

boss has taken everyone out and everyone's like, I'll have a water off. And then the one guy is like, I'll have a Sam Adams. And then the boss kind of looks at him like, oh, this guy's got something. And then everyone goes, yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah. It's a big show. Like what I was getting to, just like how big it's a show. It's a show. It's a show. It's a show. It's a show. Like, it's a show. It's a show. I was at a meeting last week where I knew I wasn't paying for it. But I don't really get to go to big Hollywood meetings, but I didn't. It's all a show. And, but the thing is, is I still try to be the guy. I was at a meeting last week where I knew I wasn't paying for it. But I didn't. I didn't. get the most expensive thing on the menu. Are there people who do that as like a power move? Like they walk in and order like a lobster on a steak? I think so. Listen, if you take me the fucking Dan Tanners, I'm not going to order a hamburger.

Right or wrong. If I call you up and I go, hey, this is your agent. I'm going to take you to dinner. I'm taking it a brother. What the fuck I just said? Dan Tannis. I mean, I always get the chicken cutlet, parmesan. Because that's me. But if I was a savage, you open up With the steak.

Right, right, right. Sam Adams. What sides are we getting? What sides are we getting? Sides, plural. What thing can I take two bites of in front of your face? If I call you up and say to you, hey, Brad, I want to take you to Ruth Chris. Yeah.

I know I'm going deep into the murky water. Sure. You know, if I call you up and I'm taking you the, what's the place on sunset where they have the $2.99 breakfast or herbs? Mel's. Yeah. You know, if I think you're the Mel's, I know you're not going to bust me. Right, right. When I go out to eat with somebody and they tell me get what you want, I get what I want, because I really want.

You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to get a lobster tail to embarrass myself, but maybe I'll get something I usually don't get. Right. You know, like the spaghetti Arabiata or something, and I switch up. Experiment a little bit. Yeah, you're experimenting a little bit. With the shrimp cocktail with the horseradish, with the steam coming out of the shrimp. Jail, before we're going further, I just want to tell you.

I love now seeing you when you're at the store, and now you're one of these guys now, that when you're up on stage, then you just see the back wall fill up. Like, you just see all the comics, like, running into the back, and they all, like, stay on the back wall, and then they watch you. You've become one of those guys now,

and I love seeing that. I fucking love it when it's, like, a good dude, and it's a funny guy, and, like, I fucking saw Rogan in their, the other day. Just singing the audience. Watching you. Throwing his head back and laughter.

Do you, Adam? Yeah. Why don't you say hello? So, like, just throwing his head back and laughter. And I even looked at Joe. I was like, Joe, you tour with this guy. You see him every, you see him every week. He's like, I don't care, man.

He's that good. He's that funny. So I love that you've become one of those guys now. It's so sweet. You know, it's funny because when I, first got to LA. I had a showcase one night in the main room. I forget the manager's name.

The guy came up and he goes, you know, I came to see you because a lot of comics mentioned your name, but I can't sign you. He goes, because comics, comics never make money. And I'm like, what does that mean? I didn't even know what that meant. There's a lot of comics want to see you. But he goes, you guys got a bad habit because you play to the back of the room.

You stop playing to the front of the room. You play to the back of the room. You're right. It's not money. Because David Tell is poor as shit. There you go. That's what I thought. Yeah, he's a comics comic.

Listen, man, when I watch David, I tell people all the time, listen, just because David Tell isn't working his Twitter correctly. Does not mean David Tell is not a fucking killer up on stage. Oh, dude. And whenever David Tells around, I watch as much as I can. Sure. Those guys, I'm a student of the game. You know, when I play basketball, I watch basketball.

You know, you get the people you like and you watch the little idiosyncrasies. I like watching him, man. I like this. There's a couple guys that I like watching you. I like watching you're very happy up on stage. I'm like, why is he so fucking happy? I have to be. Jesus, it sounds like an earthquake.

Yeah. Besides this gorilla. Well, like, and I'll tell you, I'll tell you why I'm happy on stage. And it's really like a calculated thing. It's because I found, out very early in my career that if I go on stage as an angry dwarf people feel sorry for me.

They're like, oh God, his life sucks. Oh, no. Oh, that's not good. So I need to go on stage and be happy. So the audience is like, oh, he's fine. He's okay. And then they laugh along with me. And nothing exemplifies that more than when I get a heckler, and then I suddenly turn mean,

I turn mean to the heckler. And now they're like, oh, my God, he's capable of mean he's not happy night brad anymore and it's like yeah motherfucker because he just because this dick just ruined my set like he's talking during my set so yeah i'm not gonna be nice to him thank you so much for uh letting me know your opinion of of my joke dirt during my set is is it okay if i keep talking is it okay if i continue is that okay by you like no i'm not gonna do that shit i'm gonna call this person out and show them the fuck down but then when people see an angry dwarf that they like get They, like, get concerned because they think, like, I'm sad.

There's been times, and I've stopped to show. I mean, like, you guys know I'm, like, doing well now, right? Like, I'm good. Like, you don't have to feel bad for me now. It's weird when I have to stop that for an audience and remind them that they don't have to feel sorry for me. What made you get up on stage the first time? How, like, before we started the podcast, yeah, last couple days, I always think of the people I'm going to have on.

I think about our relationship. Yeah. And I said, I got to know this guy, maybe 11 years. years. I don't know how old he is. 32, which is like 70 and 12. Yeah. How old were you when you knew

you were going to get into comedy? 19. And that's when I started. I always loved comedy. Where did you start? I will tell you the best story ever. This is how I got started and I told

this story on Rogan's podcast and I told it because I want people to know about a certain individual that a lot that a lot of people do not like in this business and uh and you can continue to not like him i don't i'm not trying to convert you i'm just trying to tell you what happened and then you could take the story what you will so i go with my dad and we go to the bray improv when i'm 19 to see a carlos bensia show and he is on stage i'm in the audience i've never

done comedy before he starts telling midget jokes half the audience is laughing the half that's sitting by me is like, hmm, hmm, hmm. Like, not, like, just, like, look over there. Like, not laughing at all. And Mensia notices that, and he looks around, and he's like, wait, you guys aren't laughing. He's like, these are good jokes. Like, these are good jokes.

Why aren't you laughing? And he says the sentence, what is one of them here? And I just raised my hand in the air. And I was like, what's up, dude? I'm right here. And he looks down and goes, oh, my God, one of them's here. Come up here. I want to talk to you.

And he calls me up on stage. So I walk up on the stage. I've never done standing before. Walk up on stage and he starts asking me questions about my life. And I answer. And my answers get laughs from the audience. And right then, I was like, I'm in. Right then.

Those first couple jokes that I wasn't even trying to tell jokes. I was just saying, I was just talking about my life. And when the audience laughed, it's like, I mean, this is what I want to do with my life. So I tell Mncia that that night. I say, I'm going to be a comedian because of tonight. He goes, all right, good luck. Fast forward to about a year and a half later. He sees me again this time before the show at the Ontario Improv.

And he recognizes me and he goes, hey, dude, you're the guy that came up on stage. You said he wanted to start stand-up. Did you start doing stand-up? I go, yeah, I've been doing open mics now for about a year and a half. and when you first start doing open mics for about a year and a half, that means I've been on stage maybe 12 times. And he goes, all right, you've been doing open mics, you've been out. Do you want to open up for me tonight?

Okay. Yes, sir. I've just done open mics up to that point. Now he's saying, do you want to go on in front of a sold-out improv and do a show? Yes, I would love to. I go up. I do like five minutes. I do okay

I get off stage and MNCia goes wow I put you up because you're a midget and I thought that would be funny enough but shit you got jokes what are you doing next weekend do you want to come on the road and that's what happened

that's how I got in my career the next weekend he was at the Fox Theater in Bakersfield which is like 1,200 seats so in two weeks I went from going from open mics to 1,200 seat theaters in terms of performing.

It's insane. And then I was his opening act for four years. Started going on the road with him being his dude. So, I mean, and I'm sure you have fans that really don't like the guy,

and that's fine. I understand it. Like I said, I'm not trying to convert because I know I'm not. Let me tell you a little fucking story, my friend. Yeah.

I get on stage for the first time in 91 for three years I dick around I dick around and I get divorced I moved to New York and in New York I realized what you have to do to become a comic

I get on a plane November 93 and I head back to Denver with one intention to become a dad and become a comic I did everything I could to be a comic in Denver without the comedy works and all those bars and redneck bars

what the fuck you call them which you did plenty of Oh, yeah. So I can have caught one day. I'm some Spanish lady. And she goes, they're doing a show. And they're looking for Latino comics, and your name keeps bouncing. Not between you and I, I'm not going to lie, nobody.

I had nine minutes. I love those early days. Three minutes was a Godzilla joke. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I'm not going to lie, nobody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I fucking sent the taping. And a week later, she called me up, and she goes, you got picked.

to open up a Carlos Mincea. He handpicked you. Wow. And I went down at me and Jimmy Abeda, and we did our time. Is that his phone number? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Hold on.

The old one. This is 20 years ago. Wow. It's got to be this, Ned. There wasn't even the other one. Let me get it. Type in Ned. Yes, he's in my phone as Ned.

That was his home number. Oh, okay. Yeah. That was his home number. In 1994, that was his number. And I called him every weekend. Yeah. So I moved to L.A.

And he would give me advice. He'd tell me what to do. When I got to L.A., he got mad at me because I used Doug Stanhope as a reference instead of him. I don't have anything against Carlos. Yeah. I don't. I don't. I don't, I don't, I don't.

In fact, I was watching one of his earliest specials, and I was saying, boy, he had fat fucking cheeks. In the fucking HBO specials? About a month ago When I got the special I started to look at specials And one of Carlos' special It was really fucking good I don't know which one I had to look for it

He wore work boots in it The second one I'm talking about 90 fucking 99 Yes So that's the HBO special It's the HBO special So one of those specials is fucking great So me and Lee have been looking at specials

To see how I'm going to do mine And I actually watch that special There you go. I don't have anything against Ned. If you know that night, I wasn't up there when I went down. Me, I got a different way of taking care of people. Sure. Net has never done anything to me.

When I see Ned, I give him a big hug. The last time I didn't give him a hug was because I didn't know it was him. Oh, right, because he lost a lot of weight. Yeah, I didn't know what was him. He finally came up to me. You don't like me no more. I didn't even know who the fuck was you. I thought he was a fucking like a guy after a comedy show at the Ice House.

He was in the big room. I was in a little room. We were both outside talking. Everybody's talking. He's there. I thought it was just a Mexican dude. You told me who it was. I was like, really?

Yeah. Yeah. We didn't know who it was. Yeah, that's a fuck ton of weight, man. Listen, Carlos helped a lot of young comics out. You know, let me tell you something. This is what the problem with society is. This is what the problem with us, myself included.

Sure. Then when we get mad at somebody, we picked the thing that they did to us, but we don't look at the good things they did to us. Yeah. Before we call them a fucking cock sucker, we don't remember when they bought us lunch. We don't remember when they took us on the road and paid for our hotel room. Which he did. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with me?

We don't remember all this shit. Yeah. You know, I get the same with Joe sometimes. I get mad at Joe for two days. Yeah. And all of a sudden I go, what the fuck are my man about? Yeah. A guy who has bought me more stakes than my mother.

My mother was on this planet for my first 15 years. We had a lot of fucking T-bone steaks and New York strips and shit. Right. But Joe has bought me more in 20 years, you know. What do I have to be angry about? They took us on the road. Exactly. They taught us a way to be a comic.

They told us the professionalism, the way we were. We did a comic. Yeah. If a person has a flaw, whatever, look at the ten good flaws he has. Yeah. Well, and people are trying so hard to categorize people as heroes or villains. And it's like, there's not a gray area. The best people in the world, as we found out, like, I mean, don't forget, two years ago, Bill Cosby was a hero.

A hero. Just a perfect, wonderful human being, a genius. of a comedian, like, and who we all thought, great human, wonderful person. Now all this shit comes out. Now everyone's like, well, he's a villain. It's like, well, he's both.

He's a horrible, horrible human and a comedic genius. Can I ask you a personal question. He's both. Yeah, you're right on this. Okay. Mm-hmm. Let me just ask you guys a question. That's been, you know, we look at Justin Bieber's behavior. Yeah.

We look at Britney He spears' behavior in the beginning. Sure. You know, you look at these people, and we were starting to talk about the Yes, and the Rogan podcast. What happens to the mind? Yeah. What happens to your mind when you don't have the right people around you watching you? Who?

If a doorman gets $22,000 a year, and I pay $80,000 a year, do you really think Lee is going to raise his hand about that 16-year-old that came into the backlaw of the other night? Right. Lee's going to go home and tell his father. And his father's only saying, never repeat it to nobody. Shut your fucking mouth and take the 80 grand and look the other way. And when you hear women back there moaning and groaning, they're getting stabbed, you see blood. You don't care.

You don't give a fuck. He's not paying you for it. Right. Cosby was not Cosby without help from a village. It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to rape a woman, dog. Yeah. There's a lot of secrets involved there. if everybody's telling the truth here

there's a lot more secrets that people that swallowed that pill because money does weird things to us Brad. Sure. You know listen I've never liked Cosby let's get something fond of the fucking way. You know what I didn't like Cosby? In 1994 Judy Brown had a festival in Colorado and Cosby

talked and I paid the whatever to go hear him speak and the first words out of his mouth was negativity about dirty comics and comics are used for profanity. He was going after Eddie Murphy at that time. I don't know if you remember this He was going after Eddie Murphy at that time And profanily

And we don't need it And these black comics And I looked at them And in the back of my mind I go, you know what? You want to talk about some fucking honkies Doing fuck jokes or dick jokes That's fine with me

But you want to attack your own people Yeah Who right now you're not sounding Like you're attacking your own people You're coming from a jealousy angle Yeah You're coming from jealousy angle I heard he had remarks about Harlem Knights

I already had remarks about a lot of things fuck him. He's getting what the fuck he deserves. But you made a good point. At one point, Cosby was a good guy. But let me tell you some. These reports are coming back from 1968.

Yeah. 1968, he was raping fucking women already. That's insane. But you're right, because people talked about how, when the news came out, they're like, well, there's been rumors for years. And I'm like, well, see, now we're all part of it. if there's rumors for years, that means people knew.

You know, OJ was beating that woman for years. Yeah. OJ was beating that woman for years, and those cops were going over there, taking them looking and saying, fuck this bitch. Yeah, and they saw the fake tits. Yeah.

And they made a judgment call. And then said, OJ, can't... He used to juice. Did you hit him? Yeah. No, you didn't. She fell. And then they asked OJ for a picture.

There's cops right now at home that wanted to shoot themselves. Yeah. They want to shoot themselves because it takes a village. Cosby has not been raping people. I'm 50 fucking three years old. So when I was six, Cosby was already raping people. That's 47 fucking years, ladies and gentlemen. Somebody had to see something.

Yeah. Somebody had to say something. You know, we live, what about this other fucking guy, this Woody Allen? Yeah, same thing. Okay. Tell me the truth. the Woody Allen called you the mom, gave you a starring role in this next movie.

Would you do it? Would you look at the picture of your niece and go, fuck it? Dude, of course. I mean, of course. This is what we live with. Yeah. And it's this moral dilemma

that we're all stuck with. Because you say what you want about any Hollywood director, or that guy's an asshole, he's a punky, like the people who are complaining about the new Ghostbusters movie how like, oh, it come out, yeah. Not yet, I think it comes out in July.

And it's like, oh, that ruined my childhood, and they're switching it up, they're putting women in it, it's so horrible. If Paul Fieg called you minute after you're done with that rant and said, you know what, we're doing some reshoots of the Ghostbusters movie, do you want to part in it?

every one of those fuckers be like, hell yes. Give me that paycheck. Hell yes. Well, and then I'm forgetting the name of the actor, but what about the, like, the kid thing that's been going around, like Corey Haim and the other one,

like that's like pedophiles. Oh, oh, the guy, yeah, the guy that was on Glee, the dude with the Mohawk? No, no, no, no. Listen, the whole cast of Glee of fucking pedophiles. Like, if you looked at Glee

and you didn't know there was a problem there, you know, only motherfuckers this thing all day, a perverted motherfuckers like that. I never watched that show Glee, but one night I went home and I watched it for like eight minutes somewhere and I'm like, this is a pervert show. It came to a halt. Did they even do the five seasons?

No. No. No. People were raping each other on the set. There were kids be yelling and screaming. There were blankets. Yeah. That show didn't even make five years for a fucking reason. Yeah. And the whole... Oh, one of the kids died? Yeah.

Yeah. Drug overdose. And And you brought this up by starting with talking about Bieber and Brittany and things like that. Those are people to where, like, you can say you don't like their music, fine. But to really say like, oh, well, they're fucking crazy. Yeah. No kidding. We all would be if given all the money and no one to tell us no at age 18, 19. You imagine.

Oh, my God. I would not, like. It's funny. I did a show at the Laugh Factory. and Beaver was actually in the audience. And I talked to him afterward for a little bit. And I said, dude, how can you send out, can you just send out a tweet and say, like, Brad Williams is funny?

Please. Just say Brad Williams, like, that tweet will change my life. If you just enter those words and hit send. That will change my life. And he goes, I don't know to tell you, I'm not in charge of my Twitter. And at first, I was upset. And then I thought about it and I go, of course he's not in charge of his Twitter. Thank God.

Like that would have been, that would be in jail right now. Yes. Of course he would be. If you're 18 years old, I mean, if you remember what your mindset was at 18 years old, if you now had access to instantly communicate with 52 million people across the world, could you imagine the hell you would cause the things that you would say? Is that how many people he has on his Twitter? Something like that, 52 million.

52 fucking million people. Yeah. Let's see. Yeah, he's number like one or three or something like that. 82.4. Oh, 82.4. Sorry, I was off by 30 million. And he lip-sinked.

And he lip-synced at the American Music fucking awards. And he's got 82 million fucking people. And there's people that play real rock and roll music. and they got three followers. God, when Prince died and they started doing all the Prince music, I got sad, obviously because we lost Prince, but then I was angry.

Because then you turn on the radio, like, whatever radio station would be like, all right, you know, and this is an honor of Prince, and then they would play Let's Go Crazy. And then the next song would be like the new fucking Selena Gomez shit, or like whatever that. And I'm like, how can you put that back to back with Prince?

And if you are that artist, if you are the next song that plays after Prince, I hope you'd think about slitting your wrists. Because you're like, wow, that's an artist right there. And then they had the balls to play me after that. That's what I'm, it's like, there's certain comics. When I see, when I watch a Bill Burr special, I go, oh, fuck. Oh, God. Really?

I'm in the same profession as this guy. I'm doing what this guy does. We have the same job title technically. And it makes me work harder. Because I'm like, if that's the standard, I got to do some shit. I got to take my game to the next level. So when Prince and, like,

and I wrote this tweet when Prince died, where it was like, consider yourself lucky. that you get to say RIP prints and RIP David Bowie because the next generation has to say RIP Joe Jonas. And it's like, yeah, that's who their models are going to be. That's who their people are going to be like, oh, Joe Jonas was a genius.

Put on the Ziggy Stardust record. Listen to this. Like, you just want to show them. Like, no. And that's before my time. Do you, do you, I have a problem. When I make those statements, I sound like that guy when I was 18 that was putting me down. Right, right, right, right, right.

I sound like that. But I speak to a lot of guys your age, Lee's age, and I ask him, what they're looking like, Lee listens to these Jews that jump up and down, you know, with an organ and everybody goes. The Jews that jump up and down? It's an electronic band. It's an electronic band. I ain't mad at him. I like that he likes me.

That's a great thing. Sure. But he's not into the shit that everybody else is listening to. He doesn't buy a Riann album. He doesn't buy... Who I think is great, Rian. Yeah. I think Rian music is great.

I like Chicks singers. I always have. But do you feel that? Like, all right, the other day, we play Green Day. Right. All right, I think Green Day is a good band. Whatever. You know, I liked Nirvana.

I liked Soundgarden. I liked The Allison Chains. I liked... And then it just went somewhere. Yeah. Like, the music just went somewhere. that I didn't go. And I look, you know, today somebody sent a very interesting tweet.

They said the next time we do a music podcast that we should play an album, we don't know, like an unsigned artist, and talk about it, you know, which is a great idea. Because I haven't found nothing new except the shit on the fucking radio, like the few Rian songs and Ava Levine, you know. Well, I've almost been out of high school 10 years. and I've just like, I just started stopping and looking back. Like, I don't, like, and now, I don't know any of the new bands. I don't know who's playing, who's playing on the teams. Like, I don't know a lot of the new, like, hit, like, the, whatever, whatever, what is it called?

Whatever everyone's talking about. So, I'm still listening to the music I listened to in high school. Yeah. So, do you think you just don't ever have room for new music? Like, it might, it might not be any worse. It might just be. No, there's always room for new fucking music. Yeah, because, I mean, when I first heard a Black Keys song, I was like, oh, this is good.

I like this. But are you attracted from the Black Keys because of your old school music taste? Probably. I like the Black Keys, because they bring me back. You listen to Black Keys, and you're like, Jesus, fucking Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These guys are about to blow up the stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're real, fucking terrorists, these fucking people. Love them. You know, there's some bands that last night your boy came by the story. store. Okay. Ross Dude. My little brother came by the store. Stone to the gills. As always. It looked like he ate 55 fucking pills. That's why I love him. And he said he had just come back from the new rage machine. He'd great against the machine at the Trubador. Yeah. The fuck they played. Prophets of rage. Prophets of rage. I asked me because they were pretty fucking good. You know, I listened to the public enemy's last album. I still dabble. But it's

easier for me to take a notebook out and throw megadethon and listen to both sides of, uh, and right, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, because I'll stop and go, wow, that always was a good guitar solo. Yeah. And by their creativity, it sparks mine. But then you made a great point. Jesus Christ, Brad, it's great to see you. So when I was growing up, when I was 10 and 12, let me tell you who the baddest motherfucker in the world was. What was that? Elton John, you look at me and go, Joey, are you fucking serious? You can't be fucking serious.

Hey, man. Guy can play a piano. I saw him live. I had this whole thing there. I got high and I was coming back to the Lower King. When it was songs he's on, I got teary eye in Philadelphia Freedom. And it's a stupid fucking song. But he was such a part of my childhood.

Did I know that he was going to end up looking like Joe Dears with a vest on and with big glasses and shit? But it proves to you that he is a fucking icon. Yeah. Now, do you think Katie Perry's going to be that icon in 20 years? Do you see the chick that fucks everybody and writes a song about him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's unstoppable.

That skinny chick is- Taylor Swift. Yeah, she's unstoppable. Yeah. She sucks a dick. You know, like, we need weed for a year. We write a routine. That bit sucks a dick. One day.

Her album. She tastes a different pussy on that dick, and she's got a gold fucking album. Oh, my God. You know, Adele, I bust her balls. Adele's got good, two good fucking songs. Everything else is garbage, but I think she's overrated in a big way. You know, she's for a different taste or whatever. Is she going to be Elton John in 20 fucking years?

Right. Yeah, it's a who's going to be that next level musician to where the next generation will still like them. We'll still look back. Bernie Sanders? But the thing is there aren't that many Elton Johns. So it only has to be like one. Like, that's, sometimes when people say all the music was way better, it was, they seemed to be a little bit more.

But there's still, I'm sure there was a lot of shitty music back then. Oh, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of shitty music in every generation. Like, there's a lot of bad stuff to go along with the few good stuff. But in, just in terms of, like, I like rock music and I like sort of bluesy music. Did your parents, what did your parents listen to that? Parents listen to the Beatles. Parents listen to Springsteen.

Did you look at them and go, what is this old people? Fucking music. Tom Petty. And my mom loved musicals and like Nat King Cole. And so I listened to a lot of that stuff. And I loved it. Could you get aggravated as a child when you heard that shit? Nah.

Loved it. Lee, you get aggravated at your family's music? No, not her music. They're music, but I used to hate when my mom would play the people. It used to kill her. She used to love to play the piano and sing. And my brother and I don't know why we just hate. We'd like, no.

Oh, yeah. And so I get that. But no, it's like it's... You said your dad listened to disco. Yeah, my dad didn't... We didn't listen to shit. He listened to disco when he worked out. My mom listened to oldies and she liked musicals too.

So it's not really like stuff you can get like a big fan of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I dug it. I dug my parents' music. It was weird. It wasn't until I started getting into my own music that then I would like something for about a month and then look back and go, what the fuck? Why did the hell did I have a red backwards Yankees hat to look like Fred Durst?

What the fuck was wrong? A biscuit as a kid. Dude, I did too. I rocked it. I don't even know a limp biscuit song. I have one on my phone. I have one on my phone. Yeah, put a limb biscuits song on for me.

I always try to remember that guy's name, Fred Durst. Fred Durst. Yeah. It was just, that's the thing that we say, like, oh, music was better when we were younger. But, hey, I'll be free to admit, like, I still liked some shit. I still like some crappy stuff. And hopefully you learn from it. Which one should I play?

You think, Nookie, rolling, break stuff? Ah, do Nookie. Okay. That's a classic. I remember loving this song. Oh, me too. The thing is, I still like the riffs. But then you listen to the lyrics, and then that's what turns me off.

Right. I never could understand the lyrics anyway. Yeah. Hey. What do you think of them, Joe? Oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck is this? Oh, the guitarist.

You can take that cookie. That's just like Tiny Dancer, right? Same sort of lyrical content. I wish you guys... I hope you guys are watching online because Joey's face right now is awesome. Just dumbfounded, mouth agape. She broke my tenda, hard in a blender.

A lyric he stole. Where did he steal it, from? EVE 6. Oh, I like Leif 6 too. Yeah. Joey's like, oh man, I need weed. So yeah, that's your first limp biscuit experience, Joey. How are you feeling?

He used to call himself down? No, no, no, no. I never liked to talk over the fucking music too much. Now, what years was this? This was 2000. I would say, like, 99 to maybe 04. kind of like some Limp Biscuit eras. I gotta remember one thing.

I didn't stop from 97 to 2005. Like in 2005 was when I stopped and started watching TV like a human. Established in 95. Wow. Yeah, but like the hits were when they covered George Michael, that was gotta be like 98, 99.

Like I loved Soundgarten. Yeah. And a 97 When I left Seattle, I got so involved in comedy and so involved in the auditions and the commercial auditions and acting class. You know, there was so many fucking things at the time I got involved with. I let music go. Because to get ahead and comedy in the beginning here, you've got to immerse yourself with this shit.

Yeah, you want to be writing jokes. You didn't just want to be sitting in an apartment. Right. No, no, no, no. Headphones on, bobbing your head. Didn't even have an apartment. Oh, wow. I lived in a car.

I took showers at the comedy store or Josh Wolf's house or Ralphie May's house. There you go. You know, we roughed it out here for a few years. I love those stories. No, and sometimes you, like I still remember going, oh, my God, I don't have a spot at the comedy store on a Tuesday night. And I met Ahmed didn't give me a spot at the union. And I remember staying home and watching NYPD for the first time because I kept auditioning for that show. And I didn't even know what the show was about.

Like that's how, like when I first met Joe Rogan, it took me three months. I thought he was on news radio. News radio. Like, hi, we're here, direct. 10 wins. Joe Rogan here reporting to your lives. So you didn't even know it was a sitcom? No.

I didn't. You thought when they said Joe Rogan's on news radio, when I first met Joe Rogan, the girl I was dating goes, he's on a, oh my God, I recognize him. She said news radio. Mm-hmm. So I just thought it was news radio. He's a guy from Newsradd. Yeah, so you thought Joe had the headphones on breaking news out of New York City.

And one day he told me he was rehearsing. And I go, what do you rehearse? Just in case there's like a disaster. Yeah. What do you rehearse? You know, like there might be a fire. And he goes to the show. I rehearsed Tuesday through fucking Thursday and we shoot Friday.

And I go, what show are you talking? I thought you did a news show. And he goes, what are you talking? Yeah, news radio. He's like, yeah, so why do you got to rehearse? That's how lost I was From that night time You know 8 o'clock you were out

And listen when you were out there You know what it is when you first around at night There was no nights off Right There's no nights off They at least said to me You know You really don't take a day off

Who does? Yeah Or three hours You always work Three four hours You always work And some days you might work six Some days you gotta drive

To Bakersfield and see lead Some days you know Some days you got to drive To San Diego goes and day, you know, it's all different. We're still not, we still don't have a day job, but we still fucking work. But now, like, comedy is such,

like now when people say things like, oh, you're comics, you work 20 minutes a night, or you work an hour at night, uh, that's the thing where it's like, now comedy is a full-time job. It's a full-time job. It's a half-time job. How so?

Okay. 15 years ago? Yeah. You call me and go, hey man, I was talking to my manager. just now. He really likes you. Really? Yeah. What do you think I should do? Go drop off the tape and give him your resume.

Where is he? Beverly Hills, but he's there after 430. Fuck! Nowadays, I could just send that over. Yeah, email on my resume, and he's just going to go to YouTube while he's talking to me. Right. And he's in the time, I'm seeing you at the store. He's never even gone to the fucking store. Because he's looking at me from the store.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the easiest now. Yeah. Remember, after 9-11, they didn't let you. you're walking on Sony no more. My first three, four years here, I have nothing to do. You go to Sony and drop all fucking envelopes. And nobody calls you.

They throw them in the garbage, but at least you did something that day. Right. You say you did something to advance the career. When I first got here, the comedy store would give you a dollar. For every ticket, somebody came in, would get free in a ticket. I would go up to Universal City and give away 200 tickets and make $80 at the door that day. You know, you just do little things. Yeah, things like that. Everything adds up.

When I come from an audition, the first thing I do before I do anything is I send a thank you card. Before I even take that wardrobe off, just so there's no misunderstanding. I go back on the computer, I look at this address, and I just send a thing.

That's all work. When I first got it, I didn't know you had to do those things. That's how you book jobs. Right, right, right. You don't book jobs by just showing up and going, thank you and running out of there. You send a fucking, can I do anything?

Is there something else? And I'll go, well, we want you to read for the part of Melbourne. There you go. Because you said hello, you weren't for the part of Melvin and your agent don't know, which is even better because now you can call them up and tell him the job you did while you were sitting at home talking about that fucking Asian chick you represent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. And what I was saying is now with comedy, it's like between doing podcasts and Twitter and Instagram and YouTube videos. And when I got in here, you're on Periscope.

like that's all career too that's all that's all I fucking hated social media and it's not hard work but it's still work it's still work because my first thought was you think Richard Pride goes home I'll never forget when somebody told me

that Dane Cook now I always loved me for an hour I was mad at Dane when none of the drive home somebody said yeah before a year Dane got on MySpace and talked to people after he left the comedy club to me I was bewildered

I was like fuck him Fuck that punk You think Richard Pry would go home and tweet people You think fucking Freddie Prince would go home and tweet people Do you think Kettison went home and tweeted fucking people? Guess what? Hashtag O-O

Yeah If Kettison was around today He'd be fucking tweeting people Yeah You know, it's true You gotta be on social media today I was talking to Joey Alvarado Today

And he thanked me You know, the kettlebell jitsu Yeah, the kettle of jitsu Because I can't tell how many guys Around to me now Because of the podcast Yeah, Becky went down and took a class. Yeah, Becky, Becky went down that.

Becky said she loved it. It's real weird. If you're not on social media today, so yeah, part of it is writing and getting on stage and driving to your gigs and staying healthy. Yeah. Staying healthy because, again, the first six years I was here all about comedy, I didn't even think about a pusher. That's why I got up to 418 pounds. Yeah. Because I didn't think about a pusher.

Yeah, you were just thinking about Winzman X joke, when the next set, Winsman. What's my next? What's my next line of Coke? What's up, Blake? You always talk about adapting. And I was just thinking it kind of sucks because now with social media, that can push people who might not have the comedy or the music or whatever further than they might warrant. So you mean like someone has a large social media following, but they don't have the talent to back it up? Or, yeah, like, I hear a lot of complaints from comedians about fine people.

Yeah. But. But people who make Vine videos, like the six second videos. Yeah. But if I've learned anything from Joey, it's just like you have to accept the market that you're in. Yeah. And like why? Like there's people who still fight doing social media.

Like, why fight it? It's not going to do. Unless you're like Tosh or the few people who are big enough who don't need it. Right. It's not going to. But then you never know. What if that show goes and 30 years down the road he wished he did social media? I don't know.

Yeah. It's something to where you could fight change or you could just say like, well, or this is what we're doing now. This is kind of, now, like, it used to be, you just had to be funny. You used to be a comedian. You just had to be funny. Now you've got to be funny on Twitter. You've got to be funny on your Instagram. Well, here's the 10.

And it's a whole different skill. 20 years ago, 15 years ago, you had this conversation with people. Because I had, you're a real comic. You started doing some rooms. And one day you pulled around and you go, how? is this guy getting 80 people on here every Wednesday night. He's not funny at all.

Yeah. But then you go to his neighbor and there's flies everywhere. His pictures at the Chinese restaurant. His pictures at the fucking liquor store. Yeah. You know, that's a complete different gift. Yeah.

There's three guys I'm not going to say. Right. That I've never said a funny thing in their fucking life. I didn't buy them to say. But for years, they packed local places.

And they're nice kids. I still talk to them. I see him. I'm a big hugger because part of my getting funny is their little fucking shitty room three nights a week. And you look at these guys and that always fucked with me. Sure. The thing that ended for me was when I went to see the wrestler. Because the wrestler came out in December.

But I heard about it in September. And I heard about it again. And that fucked with me. When I went to see the wrestler, when I left there, it was a great movie. But all I kept thinking about was, how did they get this out four months earlier without the publicists, without all the bullshit,

the way you and I grew up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, how? Yeah, it's funny. You talk about guys that filled the room. I heard a trick because there was one guy, and I'm not going to say his name,

but he would, he was one of these guys. He would fill the room whenever he would promote a show. Horrible comedian. It's never funny, but we would fill the room sold out. I was like, how the fuck is he doing it? I finally found out how he did it, and the story is unreal. He would go on Craigslist, and he would go to, like, the dates, like, and he would get, he would tell these older women,

these single women looking for dates, like, hey, I'll go on a date with you. Tuesday night, 8 p.m. Improv, you be there. It's a date, and he would fill up the room with Craigslist women. So when he went on stage, everyone was like, oh, my God, go, he's so funny. Because they thought they were with him that night. They thought they were on a date. Unbelievable. And did they pay to get in?

Yes. And like, part of me is mad at him. And part of me is like, God, I got to respect that game. Because he found a way. He found a trick. That's American ingenuity. Yeah. I'm mad at them.

I'm not mad at them at all. That's, hey, listen. whatever gets you through the night. Yeah. And listen, when I first did comedy the first fall, five times, I used to. Every woman in that audience thought they were dating. You know what's crazy?

So funny. If I fucking put a gun to your head, Brad. Yeah. And you had 20 fucking minutes of comedy. I had to think back when you had 20 minutes of comedy. If you put Brad Williams, 15 bucks, two people come to see you, the same way they come to see me and Bray.

But if I put a gun to you head, and I said to you, Brad, if there's not 200 people here you're never going to work again you know when I first started comedy I figured something out there was the Beck's first off when I started comedy in 91

every three months you went to a contest did you know that? Oh really? Yeah there was the Johnny Walker Red there was the NBC and they went nationally to all the open mic cities and you did your thing and then you competed in Las Vegas the big one was Johnny Walker Red in San Francisco But my first year in Denver, I auditioned for 10 of those things.

I bonded all of them. I've never made it past the second round. So what had happened was Beck's put on a contest in Colorado. And they auditioned people in Gunnison and Denver and whatever. And I auditioned in Boulder. People were always prejudiced to Boulder. I did not know this. They said people in Boulder were too intelligent.

Yeah. So my field was small. But the times that I told people that was, performing in the contest, like they would come and they would cheer, and that's the reason why I'd win. I wouldn't really win because I was the funniest in the room. You just had the most people. I had the most people in the room, which at the time was seven from like a sports betting

service where I worked at, or six guys came in from the deli. Right. So I'll never forget this December 18th, 1991. The first time I got on stage was July, June 18th, 1991. For three months, I did three sets. And then after that, Brad, I just did. that contest. It was on Tuesday. One Tuesday a month, you had to go

down there and compete. I competed against magicians and all these fucked up different people. None of them who I know are around today. So on December 18th, what I did was, I called all my friends and I said, listen, I got the Coke Noriega had in his closet when the DEA

rated him. But I'm not getting it until about 8.30. I'll be at the broker tonight. Guess how many people showed up to the broker? 30. Guess how much coke I had for them? Nothing. I called him the connection fell through.

Noriega's ship got tipped over. And I gave you 500 bucks. And after that, on those big nights, I would do the same thing. But somewhere along the line, I forgot how to be a marketer and a promoter. Because you focus. Again, Brad, I don't even like selling T-shirts anymore after a show. You know why? We don't like to.

Because I like focusing on that fucking set. Yeah. So much. much. I don't want to wear in between shit and I got to look at glasses on and look for extra large. This guy wants me to sign it. Forget it. Trust me. Oh, none of us want to. Yeah, no. I love

doing comedy. I love that. Yeah. And I hated over the years how I got distracted. Even when I was doing coke, I wouldn't sell shit afterward because I was always in the rush to get the fuck out of that. And number two, I just didn't have the dignity. Like, I could rob you with a gun. But I feel guilty if I sold you

a T-shirt after the show. Oh God, that's funny. Yeah, I had an acting coach one time that told me something. He goes, Desperate people get super creative, super fast. And that's true. Like you said, hold a gun to my head, say, hey, 200 people in the room. There will be 200 people in that room. I will find a way.

There would be times when I'd be opening up from Encia where he would say, all right, in two weeks we got this show at this club. if I hear one joke I've ever heard before, you're off the road. So I'd be like, okay, two weeks. I had to write a whole new, like, 15-minute set. And it's not that he wanted me to kill or, like, he just didn't want me to just have that same, be that comic, that feature act, that prominent feature that just is like, oh, I've got 15 minutes, and that's all I've got.

Like, he wanted me to expand and grow. He didn't care if the jokes weren't good. He just wanted them to be new, to be something new. So keep throwing shit at the wall. Try to make stuff stick. And yeah, at that two weeks later, I would have the new set. Wouldn't be that great, but it would be new. At least you said it.

Yeah. You know, you don't know how many times just getting on stage, writing something that's funny and going, I'm trying that tonight. Yeah. Killing and getting off stage and going, I didn't say that. I didn't say that joke. Mother fuck. It gets you so mad.

Mother fuck. And I gotta wait till Tuesday. Now I gotta go through that room. The kid, 80 people. Right, right, right, right. And the Chinese restaurant, whatever the fuck it was. Yeah. There's, and there's always that point where you have to force yourself.

You have to force yourself to say that new bit on stage. Because it's not, it's not going to write itself. It's not, it's not going to become a staple joke of your act. If you just always have it on the sidelines, like, I'm working on a bit. Okay, do it. I can do it. Find it. I mean, one of my favorite shows to do at the store.

Have you ever done the stand-up at the spot? Where they just yell out terms? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just go? I fucking love that. Because it forces you to, like, think funny. Try to try to find things and, like, try to make connections. It's a lot, it's a lot of fun.

I love doing that show. I've never done it. Yeah. I've never done all that stuff. I've done, like, the one where they yell ideas at you, but in Houston, we did it once on a Thursday night somewhere. Yeah. I just got too fucking crazy.

You got Satan fucking people out there. I don't know those Satan jokes. What the fuck? Like I hang out with Satan. Talk about the Dark Lord. Lisa, what's up back there? How are you feeling, dog?

You're going to Boston this weekend? Yeah, I'm going home for the weekend. What are you going to eat? Tomorrow, we're going to stop at legal seafoods first, which is going to be good. It's my favorite. We're going to go there, and then I'm not sure for the rest. We might go see a Red Sox game. There on town.

It's going to be fun. I only go home like once a year So is your brother going to be home No he's in New York now You're a Boston kid? Yeah Love it man Yeah

Great comedy city Yeah I miss it I miss it but it's uh I'm glad I'm going now I used to go back Because when I moved down here I worked in TV And the only time

I get time off is for Christmas Yeah Yeah So I'd always be going back in the snow And it's garbage Yeah Now I get to go back Now I get to go back in June

You're going to eat some mushrooms On the plane You want to take them A stem for the mom on it Not really A stem at seven in the morning. Shit, you'd be like a doctor on that fucking plane.

Fuck, you... All right, so you're going to Boston? Yes, I am. So, Joey, get this. I'm doing... When this comes out, I'm doing brand-provv this weekend. But Monday morning,

and by that, I mean, 105 in the morning, I got on a plane, I'm flying to China. And I'm going to be doing stand-up in China, Joey Diaz. I'm beyond excited to do this. Is your first time in China?

Yeah, and it's not like military bases. Did they break it down to you? Yeah, you're going to have a good time because it's a little distance from your little asshole to throw a hole in the floor. He said he had a squat. You have to shit on the floor. Oh, really? Yeah, and in like a sumo position. Awesome.

You better bring some, that little ass of yours might go through that fucking hole and shit. I got to get good balance what you're trying to say. Yeah. He said he might lose me. He was giving you toilet paper and you didn't know why. Because there's no toilet paper in the bathrooms. Wow. All right.

People give you toilet paper. And you're like, why don't they give me toilet paper? Is it the same tour as Steve Simone did? Like Kung Fu Comedy? Yes. Yeah, he said he had a lot. He went twice. Yeah.

He said he had a lot of fun. Oh, yeah. Listen, man, anytime you have that privilege to go over there and fucking do it and see a new culture and not think of anything. Yeah. See, like, I don't know. I never, I don't have a passport. Mm-hmm. But it eliminates a lot of drama in my world.

Sure. Because I'm not the type. Like, I always sit to myself, you know, these guys think that better than you. Like, you get guys like, hey, well, I did comedy in England. Who gives a fuck? I did comedy in England, too. It's called Compton. Same fucking difference.

It's just people. You know, they're just people. And I don't like that side of it. But then there's people like when Simone went to China. I was like, that's great. When Ari went, because I know they're not trying to be snooty. There's certain comics. No, I'm just excited to go.

Australia. Have you been? You know, like, who gives a fuck? Yeah, I just want to go to see China. Like, yeah, I want to do my sets and I want them to hopefully go well. But, like, it's funny when they first got the offer, my agent's like, I don't. I don't know. I think we can hold out for more money.

I'm like, no, no, just go. I just want to go. How many weeks? Just one. Okay. But it's like six, but it's like five different cities in six days. You drink? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a girlfriend? Yeah. Look at you. Yeah. And when you came in here? She lives with me, Joey Diaz. So you're settled?

I'm settled. She lives with me. Tall, half Chinese, half white girl. She going with you? Uh, no, because I'd probably, it's the old. What was the Sam Tripley joke where he's like, I was touring with Bobby Lee in China. And all of a sudden Bobby left and I lost him because you're looking around. You're like, shit!

Where do you go? Yeah. So, yeah, it'd probably be that situation with her. No, for this time, I just want to go and I want to see it. And I want to just kind of, I kind of want to go first and kind of check it out. And then maybe the next time we go. Because you said, you said Steve went twice, right? Yeah, he went two years ago.

than this year, but he did a different tour this year. Okay. Yeah. You know, somebody asked me that day, I was telling a friend of mine, he lives in Florida now, and he said to me, do you enjoy knowing celebrities? Mm-hmm. I had to think about it for a minute.

And I go, first off, I don't hang out with celebrities. He goes, yeah, but I've seen the pick. I go, listen, listen, I bump into them. Yeah. At the comedy store, you take a picture with them, but I don't ever want you to think that Brad Pitt calls me on the phone or Adam Sandler sent me a Christmas car. Right, right, right.

Or nothing like that. I don't know anybody like that. You're not hanging out of a yacht with Jennifer Anderson. He goes, what's the best part? Do you like it? And I go, I love it. It just, it's something I got into desperation, but I just stuck it out. You know, it's just sticking it out.

But I think after doing the open mic, I hosted the open mic at the storm Monday night. And I was a little pissed off when I was there. But you know what made it all better, man? What's that? That. I got to see you back then. I got to see Sebastian back then. Yeah.

One of the best conversations I ever had in this town was with Bill Burr when his show got canceled, 90 fucking 7th. And he was ready to jump off a roof. Yeah. He had the show with Jenna and the dude from fucking office space and the show got canceled. Bill Burr thought he was dead in the water. Yeah. And he went back to Boston.

He started from day one. You know, I saw Matt. And 99, fucking dying. Snort and coke with me in a hotel and fucking sunset. Yeah. And you see where life blossoms. Yeah. You see that there.

So cool. I've seen things that, fucking Bobby Lee, no money at the Latino laugh festival in San Antonio. And Carlos is his own manager. Yeah. The black dude, worthy, worthy. Yeah. Took us for dinner.

We had no fucking money to eat. Bobby Lee. Mm-hmm. Twenty-two years on Mad TV. Right? No fucking money to eat. None of us. Between us. We had $3 with a tip. You know, now I see Bobby Lee, and that's where the adventure is. You know, that's where I've gotten to fucking see something from the beginning. Like I just, you've been into it, dog.

If I had to think, if somebody came to me and said, can you describe Brad William? He's a small dude. You know, did you know? No, no. That has nothing to do it. I just know that when you bit into it, like I heard about you, I told you before the show. I thought you were black. When I heard Brad Williams, a midget, I go, Jesus Christ, a black fucking midget. This guy, this is a score. Fucking Carlos God on that cock sucker.

This is a score. What I could do with a black fucking midget. What I could do, it'd be endless. At that time, I'd do anything with a fucking black midget. At that time, I was desperate, 99, 2000. I was really to stab him. Oh, that's so funny. I was a turning stolen phone in the comedy store.

What would I do with a black midget? And I saw you and I loved you. we became friends and then I saw you on the mind of him and see him like look at this kid not on there because he's his friend but he's on there because he's that good and he's that good I saw him and all of a sudden now he's like that's the shit because I was in the same place as you people would see me the long as shine and go oh Joe Rogan got him that row really really when I was in that room at Sony yeah 20 white people you know at nine in the morning when I went to bed at 545 off a fucking gram I got from chewy yeah And I nailed that role. You're going to tell me Joe Rogan called in there. We did this on our own. Right. And it's really hard to explain to people. And people still come up from me and go, ah, well, Joe.

No, Joe Rogan was up. Joe Rogan opened up a window and we jumped out of it. Yeah. We took a chance and jumped out of it. This is the same window like your uncle says to you want to come work in the fruit market. And you go, no, it's long hours. It's a two-hour drive. But meanwhile, they're making $2,200 a week stealing fruit out the back door.

Everybody's getting rich. Some people don't take the fucking jump. We took a jump. We believe. Yeah. We went up there, we looked at it, we figured it out, we figured out, you know what, whatever's going to happen. It's not going to take a while. When you came in here, you said that, you know, you had a successful special.

He did a ride-up a bike in the New York Times. Yeah. And you're sitting at home waiting for the ship to come and back up with 20 dudes with satchels, like fucking in the scarface. Yeah, we're like, okay, I've made it, right? Yeah. Where's my brinks truck? But this is about nine and longevity. Yeah.

I'm watching the sopranos two weeks ago. and I'm watching Junior. Yeah. Like a junior. Junior was on a hit show in his 60s. Can you imagine going home and looking at your 40 grand check and going, where were you when I was 35 years getting my dick suck? I'm eating TV dinners in a one-bedroom apartment in fucking Jersey.

Now you want to show up? Well, it's funny. My manager, Barry Katz, when I first met with him, he had this thing and this story that he tells about Louis C.K. Where he goes, could you imagine

walking up to Louis C.K. When he's 19, 20 years old, starting comedy and saying, hey, Louis, you just got into comedy. You're going to be the biggest comedian on the planet. You're going to have the love and respect of every other

comic working in the industry. You're going to have a hit show that all the critics love like everyone's going to want to put you in movies you're you're going to sell out Madison Square Garden you are going to be a comedic icon in this business all you got to do is wait 25 years and do it

and then you think to yourself like what would you do if you got that speech at age 19 you wouldn't do it yeah you would not fucking do it the vast majority of you would be like I'm going to celebrate 25 years. I'm going to celebrate 25 years in June right now. And in 17 days. And if you think at any time when I started

that I thought I'd be in this shit for 25 fucking years, you're fucking crazy. I can't lie to you guys. I gave this like a seven-year window. When I came to L.A., I was like, this ain't going to work for me. And all of a sudden, I'm at the store. And I'm at the improv.

And all of a sudden, Jamie tells me, He goes, you do not belong in Los Angeles. You belong in nightclubs across the country with a tuxedo on. We make big money, you and me. I do not have you in my club. You're too dirty. And I'm doing Monday nights with Gilbert. And I'm like, how am I going to leave now?

I'm at the fucking store. People die. People take a bullet to get to the store. And I'm in there talking to Mincy's show about Cuba and Cubans. And she likes Cuban men and shit. And I'm like, are you fucking serious? Yeah. Getting 1145 spots meeting Paul Mooney.

Where the fuck was I? going to go and I kept going I want to go back and be a father because I have an older daughter let me go back and be a father I'm like I'm out here fucking doing what she'd want me to do it this is what any fucking person would want me to do is go for your fucking dream you know

so you just keep going let me tell you something the days become years they become years but did they become 25 I think 25 is I don't think I could do it to be honest so if they came to you and said you're going to have everything you ever wanted and then some you're gonna surpass

you're gonna surpass all your wildest dreams in 25 years if they told me that and it was like verifiable yeah I could do it but I'm just saying like since we obviously don't have that right I don't think I could last it depends on what level they got to just to be honest if you're making

20,000 a year for 20 years less less 15,000 a year yeah yeah yeah let's just say like let's say you don't even like progress a little bit like you're just like constantly at the bottom, I don't think I could do it. Listen, bro, from 91 to 92 and a half, I had

money I was living off credit cards. Big. Fuck it, I'm going down. Like that Titanic. Let me get every shirt in that color. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But let's be honest, from 93 to 98, I didn't see a fucking dime. Poverty

level, didn't accept nothing. I robbed a little bit. I fucking sold some drugs. I did gigs. poverty level lean a t-shirt here a pants here you know what what do you need cocaine or underwear I'm going with the cocaine we'll skip out underwear people who live 20 years and no underwear put your balls a sink what if you get into an accident you think you clean underwear listen I'll take my chances they're gonna cut my pants off with that fucking scissors anyway okay then in 98 I came out here and I was living off that girl like she was helping me and I would pay him back I think I stole over a grand

and then I booked a commercial when I basically put that in my nose I got a couple T-shirts got a little $800 a car you know shit like that to get you started but then you went into another funk and what the funk is Lee let me tell you what the funk is Lee

after five years here's the funk and this is my witness and if I'm lying to any comic after five years dog it becomes the Rolling Stones you can't always get what you want but we get what we need If your nut is 1,200 a month,

if you're going to come to me and say, you know what, I'm going to become a comic, but I'm going to eat lobster, I'm going to support this girl, I'm going to drive a bench, you better relocate your allocations, Jack. You've got to get your nut down to 1,000 to 1,200. That means you've got to live in a closet.

Your car has to be paid for. You pay insurance every month. And your food's got to be cheap. And you smoke pot, and you're on a budget, because you're going to sink. You're going to fucking go down in flames. I ain't worth the aggravation.

You'll fucking make that $1,000. Will you not, my brother? That's where people get super creative, super fast. How fucking, how many times did the phone ring on the 20th? And bail you out. Oh, so many times. How many fucking times on the 20th? You're like, oh my God.

Yeah. Lord, what the fuck am I going to do? Bling. Hello, listen, are you available at 24 and 2050? Yes. The Santa Monica $850. Why are you still talking? Yes.

Yes. I'll start right. fucking now. Yeah. You'd be willing to do radio? No, no, no, no. I'll fucking own the, I'll parachute into the fucking radio station. They got donuts. Yeah. They got donuts. These shit. Let me give some shoutouts. Yeah. Shout them out. Get the fuck out of here. Mm-hmm.

It was great seeing you, man. You've become a fucking man in front of my eyes. Thank you, Joey. Michael Paul Cawson, get well, Cuck, sucker. My little sweetheart, Brandy Lynn. Uki Spooky looking good down there in Austin. Dominic Salis, Ross, dude, coming back. Dave Christensen Dante Gazzini Send a postcard Are you missing?

Cucksucker And my main man I inside My fucking brother Put that barbecue on today Did you see that? Oh my God Bobby and Crystal

Put that fucking thing on Tremend Brisket ribs Potato salad You should have seen It's like going to Texas I'm walking I can pull it up

Ribs Yeah You know Briscuit potato salad Yeah yeah the whole fucking time. What's the next

from my little brother, Bradwick? Sorry about that. What's the next with my little brother, Brad Williams? Well, I mean, you can hear me every week on my podcast, called The About Last Night podcast. We do that with Adam Ray. Great comedy store comic, fun guy. Good dude.

I came here from Sony Studios. That's what they said. Yeah, we talked to Paul Feig. And, yeah, so he's a guest on the podcast. And, uh, oh, wow, look at that photo. Yeah. Look those pickles. You know how bad your thoughts are 10 hours later?

You cup them in your hand and smell those pickles, right? So great. And then, uh, September, I got a movie coming out on Netflix with Christopher Guest. He made a new movie called Mascots that I'm, that I got a part in. So, uh, yeah, check that out on, check that out on Netflix. And go to my website, go to my Twitter, all that, jazz. See when I'm, see when I'm coming to your town. And I got a special at the running on Showtime right now.

called Brad Williams' daddy issues. It's my second special. Watch it. Enjoy it. And get back to me and let me know if you liked it or not. It's always a pleasure to see a fucking dude who works hard. I wouldn't add John if I thought you're one of these oky-doc motherfuckers. Never, my friend.

Never. I know that you went into his head first. Yeah. No pun intended. Trust me. You're bad, motherfucker. But that's the only way to do this shit, man. I don't want people to know sometimes.

You know, it's not. It's not easy. This is not a fucking, like anything else in life. When you want to be a fucking engineer or a fucking doctor, it's not easy. So we do what the fuck we do. But I'm just happy you're still kicking these motherfuckers' asses. You didn't tap out after the show. A lot of comics. Like, fuck, I'm taking my show and I'm leaving. I did my job. Not you. Never. You're getting stronger by the day doing movies with Christopher Guest. Are you kidding me? Or what? You know why? Because he made a decision. That's fucking why. Thanks, man. You've got me in the church. Always, baby. You don't get high this time, next time. We'll get your stone to the gills. Let's be honest.

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Go to honor.com right now slash Joey cock's up slash church Slash church I'm sorry I fucked up anyway I want to thank Headspace.com and I also want to thank honor for sponsors and I want to thank my main man Brad Williams all grown up and doing a town look at you talk sucker Thank you so much every time I talk to that's what I feel like your Tommy your Tommy and your fellas what time you don't know don't say nothing anyway You got plans in Boston? That's it?

You're happy just to see mom. You're going to pick up a little emerald? Who else you're going to see? I have a... I have a... Just aunts and uncles I haven't seen since I've been out here. She's going to do a little get-together? Yeah, my mom is real excited.

She's a lunch and she's super excited. All right. We'll be safe. And I'll see you Monday at 8 o'clock, motherfucker. Hell yeah. I'm going to hear no stories. I'll stabbing down. I'm doing your thing.

First flight out. I'm doing the 645 out of Boston. Like a soldier. Yeah, buddy. Bad motherfucker. All right? I love you guys. Stay black.

Have a great weekend. We'll see you next week. Happy June, motherfuckers. I'll be in Omaha, Nebraska next week at the Funny Bone. Then two weeks after that... Say that to Colleen for me. Fuck, yeah. And then two weeks after that, I will be at Philadelphia Helium, June 25th or some shit like that.

Go on the calendar and get tickets there, you fucking savages. And go to Lisa.com, like all the other podcast I do with Steve Simone and everything I have is there. All right. Stay black. Have a great weekend. you motherfuckers. This show was brought to you by Headspace. Go to Headspace.com slash Joey right now

and download the free Headspace app to begin their Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at Headspace.com slash Joey. So go to headspace.com slash Joey right now and download the free Headspace app and begin the Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation. Show is also brought to you by Onitaph's, Go to honor.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of their great optimization products like alpha brain, new mood, shum tech immune, and shum tech sport.