The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #386 - Marc Maron

Episode Date: June 7, 2016

  Marc Maron, Comedian and Host of the "WTF with Marc Maron podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. Joey will be making his second appearance as "Bobby Mendez" on Marc's show "Maron" on Wednesday June 8th at 9Pm EST on IFC. Check it Out!  This podcast is brought to you by:   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines right on your phone and tablet.   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20 % off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 06/06/2016.
  

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Like Afro Brain, New Mood, Shum Tech Immune, and Shum Tech Sport. Oh shit. Kick that fucking Mulele. There's some real heroin music. It's a Monday night bitches. June 6th. 6, 616.

I've heard this album fucking years. I put it on me that day. I almost shot myself. Is this the one with loud love on it? No. This is the one with this is bad motive. Oh yeah, yeah. I like loud love. What's the name of that album?

Loud Than Love or something. Is it on that? Is it on Loud Than Love? Is it? You kid me? What? Guyette, Mark Marion, Uncle Joey. It's not on that, guys. Loud Love is on,

uh, louder than love. Yeah, it's on number seven. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a great. That's a great album. Yeah, there was a period there where I was just cramming those guys into my head. Every day for like two years.

Right. That's what I listen to. It's weird like that when I look at records, because like some records I don't listen to anymore, and then I'll put it on and I'm like, I know this fucking record. And it was because of when I got it, I never stopped listening to it over and over again,

and then it just kind of goes into the back file. I will play the fuck out of an album for six, seven months, if it gets me going in the morning. And to be honestly, all these albums I played the fuck out of growing up. Led Zeppelin, too, I fucking did everything to it. This song here, Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath. I just got into that one. Oh, my God.

I woke up to that song. Still, on a Monday morning, I play this at 6 a.m. at the fucking house. Sabbath Bloody Sabbath. Yeah, I just started listening to Sabbath Bloody Sabbath. Good fucking out. It's great out. It's a great album.

Santana Braxis when I was again. I didn't even know what the fuck Santana was. I ordered this on Columbia House when they would send you down. Oh, yeah. And then you'd have to get your parents to pay for it eventually. Yeah, yeah. The collectors start coming. Fuck you.

I had like, I would send them on the other people's names. Yeah, yeah. Like the people next door and the people next door. The records would come every month. You're like, I didn't ask for this record. Shit. Who the fuck wants this Dan Fogelberg record? I mean, I didn't have what it is.

They were signed up. They were already bootlegged albums 50 years ago, Columbia House. That's how they made their money. Is that true? Yeah, if you went and bought Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath from a record store, and you bought it from Columbia House? Oh, they did their own pressing.

It was probably an agreement, though. Yes, they did their own pressing, so the cover was different. You're like, fuck, if it has a different cover. You know, I remember some of the records I got. The Smoker you drank, I got that Joe Walsh record with the Rocky Mountain Way on it. How old are you? I got, it's probably 13 or 14, maybe 12.

I got a ELO's greatest hits for some reason. I got the first Aerosmith record. I remember those three. I remember Rocky Mountain White spent the last year, Rocky. I wasn't even a third that cool. You know what I got? What? Tom McLean.

American Empire. I already had that, though. I already had that. That's what I ordered the first time. Yeah. Some BG album, it wasn't signing that live. No, before. So they weren't bad then.

Before the disco thing, they were all right. That fucking album, my order. Abraxas, yep. Oh, Jesus. Like, Earth wouldn't fire out of my order? Yeah, that's good. And you didn't get to choose, right? It was just, you sent it in for stuff and...

That was the ad. Get nine albums for one penny. Oh, that was it. So you marked the boxes and then you put one penny. You had a choice, though. You Scotts tape? They had a list. And you just mailed it.

Postage was already paid for nothing. An idiot could do it. They had a list, though, right? They had a list. Yeah, at that time, they had all the hot albums. Captain Anthony. Anything that was hot in that fucking time. Joey was rocking out the muskrat love back in the day.

Smooth sounds. When I was the captain, when I first fucked over Columbia House, I fucked them for garbage. Yeah. Garbage, like garbage. Then I got hip, and I started sending them to people's houses on my block.

Janine Tristano. Did you go check the mail? You say my shit come yet? I'd stay outside, and if I saw the mailman, dropped the box off. You knew what the box looked like. You had either nine cassettes in there.

or eight tracks, all the fucking albums. That reminds me that story. What? I was just waiting for a truck because I thought there was some blow on it. That was a funny story. It hit me. We're here.

We got film 930. What's the problem? I was like when I was in it, when I was doing the blow, you know, like I didn't have a hookup. I was in Acme. You know,

I was in Minneapolis. You know, it was cold. And I just finished like an eight ball or something. I don't even think it was Coke. Me and my buddy Azel finished it. I think it was speed. And, you know, it was like the Saturday.

I just wanted some blow. So I called our buddy Bob. I'm not going to use any last names out here because he had a hookup. And I'm like, dude, could you just, I'll FedEx you money for an eight ball. And you FedEx it back. So I fedxed him money for an eight ball. How do you FedEx money? You just put money in an envelope.

And I sent it to him. And he was going to FedEx it right back. And he goes, okay, I did it. It's coming. He said, I hit it in some peanut butter. It's in a bag. And he had a big story. He had a tracking number.

And the next day, I'm in front of the fucking club waiting, waiting for that goddamn FedEx truck. And I, and I'm like, do you have a package? Mark Maren, caravacked me? And the guys are, could you get off the truck? I'm like, it was. No package. The guy fucked me. There's nothing more disappointing than being led that far down the line with it.

Like, it's coming. It wasn't in peanut butter. That's someone else's story. I remember that story. It was, he said he packed it in a videotape that he opened like he had to hide it. He had a whole fucking thing and it didn't come. And it was, it was heartbreaking, Joey. Heartbreak.

It's the heartbreak, you know, you're, you just think you're going to be good. That's such a scumbag move because your heart. They don't understand that you have no fucking understatement. He went and got an eight ball with my money. He made good on it later. Years later. I used to have, when I first moved to Basalt, Colorado. I would, you know, when I got that, I didn't want the cat to get out of the bag, so I controlled myself for a few weeks.

Yeah. So the guys I was living with, there was one guy that he'd always be sniffing. I knew what time it was. And one day, you know, we got on the conversation, like, I love to do a line now. And he's like, oh, I can't get, you know, the cops, and I'm going to shit. And I knew his brothers. I grew up with him. You know, he was just a scumbag, this guy.

So I had two other roommates. It was four of us in this huge house. and one day I hear him on the phone, just send it to the PO box. And so he would go to work, I'd take his peer, he would leave the key hanging. Yeah. I'd take the key and I'd hitchhike a ride to Aspen, and I'd go to the mailbox, and there it was. The guy would send him an eight ball from here. Yeah.

And after like three of them, I would hear him arguing with the guy. I didn't fucking get it. I'm telling you, I'm going to have to go down there. And I'm giggling in the room doing the fucking Coke. You know, I would steal it right from the fucking post office. Who gives a... Listen, the post... Listen, the post office is going to rob you.

Yeah. 60% of the fucking... Is that true? Especially if you send weed from here and shit, they'll get the envelope ripped open. You mean they'll just... They'll just yank it out of the bag of these postmen. Oh, they take...

They're not throwing it away. It's being used. Nobody fucking takes a weed into those... I'm an American. They throw it away. They're going to call the cops. Right. They'll down 9-1-1-1.

So they just smell it and they're like, here it is. Yeah. Well, do you guys ever worry about that? Because you always hear stories about, like, So, like, FBI agents or whatever, posing as FedEx people, and as soon as you accept the package, they arrest you. Well, I ain't in the racket anymore, so I don't have to worry about that shit. The thing is that you don't have to do that with weed anymore. No one has to send weed anywhere.

You could send Coke one time. Like, if you're in a bind and you send me like Toys for Mercy, you could say, put something extra in there for you. And when I get the box, once you do it every week, like those guys that get busted, that's because they do it every week. a bird. Somebody says, hey, they're sending coke or something like that. But an eight ball, it's amazing. I had a friend that would

fly every week with an eight ball. And an envelope in his fucking grind it up in his wallet. In the plane? They're not looking for that shit. Right through. In his wallet, next to his credit card. It's a little bender with a fucking eight ball in it. Grind it up. They're not looking for that.

Okay. Because I have a question. I got pulled twice. Oh, they pulled you on the way back, too? On the way back. So I'm not sure if there's just a number of TSA when they pull you aside or if there's actually something, I don't know maybe my detergent, but I got pulled twice. Maybe they found out that you got ejected from the

South Point and you're an international fucking TAC smuggler. Who the fuck knows? You know what sets the bomb dogs or the my chick was she had cut and she put hydrogen peroxide on it. Done. Next day she went to the

airport and they did a read on her and she had to get searched from that. from hydrogen peroxen? Lysaw? I have sleep batting machine. Yeah. So I wipe it every night.

Oh, it does it too? Yeah, so I have it on my hands. I wipe it before I put in the bags, no germs growing there. With Lysol? Nine of the ten times. Do you know right after 9-11, they pulled me off a fucking plane? Or what? After the fact, they came, Joe, Jose Diaz, please come to the fucking front gate.

They came up. They go, we got to hold you to the next flight. Think out there was those Tempe flights. Yeah, every hour, every hour. Yeah, right. It wasn't the Southwest. It was another company that goes there. Yeah.

Not Air Trans, but somebody else goes from L.A.X. Jeff Wu? No, no, no, no. One of this weird airline, spirit? I don't even mention spirit to Uncle Joey. What is it? That's right Cuban Airlines. The worst is frontier.

That's the Cuban airline. You don't know if you're going to get there. You don't know where you're going to land. You don't know if you just give them money. It's like a fucking magical mystery. You know, when you play those flights, like you go to like a. Miami airport and you see like Spirit or something.

And you look at the waiting there. You're like, what the fuck is going on? I took Spirit once. I couldn't even stand up. The rows are so close together. Oh, no, no, no. You make a big mistake with those. Those are a one time.

I'll never do those again. The one ain't bad. Which one? The one you said before. JetBlue? No. And Jet Blue's supposed not bad. That's what I just took.

It was great. Jet Blue's nice. A lot of people like Jeff Blue's nice. I liked it at the beginning because it was new planes. They had these new French planes really nicely built. you know, all the seats were comfortable. Everyone had a TV set. But then after a while, you're like,

yeah, the blue chips aren't, you know, they're all right. But, you know, I'd like the option of maybe upgrading to a bigger class. You know, you want to have the option. I don't pay for first class. But if I get the points, like, eventually you've got to commit. I got commit to American and I'll fly all the time I'm fucking American just so I can get on the plane first with my bag and I don't have to check shit. That's me.

Yeah. I just want to have that status. Give me a little status. If you start just going, you know, piece. meal like you know this cheap one here just so you do a no you're dead you're no you got no you got no you got no it's going to help you out you're nobody you know 15 16 years ago there was a place by the airport yeah that you took a ticket went online they got you the cheapest available seat the day before right cheap ad dot com I think they're still around whatever the fuck they were they used

used to be able to go to the website I'd be at the Miami improm and I never had had plans to take the fucking uh train the South Carolina the Myrtle beach but I I'd go on there, and I'd get like $49 flights. That's the same thing. Day before. Day before. Because they just want to feel the seats. To Myrtle Beach, Myrtle Beach to NYC, you know, Kennedy.

This is way prior to 9-11. This is 98, 99. There was fewer planes, so it was a big deal. Now it's like, you can find a flight for a reasonable price, right? I mean. But there's some of the flights went up again. And you sit there. Is it bad?

It's fucking bad. I've seen some of the... I was supposed to be in Albany this. week. If I tell you what they wanted for the flight to Auburn. I know who covered the week and I called them and said... Where you got flying at Buffalo? You got to fly into fucking JFK and take a little plane.

Right. A little plane. The base ticket was 606 on American. Round trip? Round trip. The little one all the way at the end was 606. And when you went to those flight things, there were 598. Nothing. 596. Same thing.

So by the time you pay taxes, it's 607. Yeah. And you're like, what the fuck? I could have got my points and flown like a doctor and at least been able to negotiate with upgrade. Now you blew your fucking upgrade. Now you blew your fucking upgrade. Listen, I live on upgrades. I'm an upgrade with the airline. American. Me too. I know exactly where they're going to upgrade me and where they're not going to. They didn't upgrade you to Chicago, JFK. No. I got it one time. I got business section on the way back. Right. Very tough to go to JFK. Those tickets $2,300. Yeah. To JFK. Look them up, Lisa, at. To go next week from LAX to JFK.

K on American. Yeah, you got to find a JFK. LaGuardi's a fucking crap. Oh, no, no, LaGuardi's a nightmare. The worst. What the fuck's going on?

JFK is cracklecking like a motherfucker. Did you ever read that article about how they stack planes up over that fucking, those airfoil? I don't even want to know about it. I think it was LaGuardia. Well, sometimes they got like a dozen circling in layers. Like,

they're just like a tier of circling airplanes waiting to, I don't even want to think about it. Because when you, like, even when you watch LAX, those planes coming in every two seconds, they got a circle. So they just route them. So like,

these air traffic controllers, it's like psychedelic. They got just vertical spirals of circling airplanes waiting to come in. And it's just, I can't even think about it. And LaGuardia is supposed to be one the worst with that shit. How much? It's loading. I did the Thursday to Sunday to see what it would be. What's that for, to JFK from here?

Mm-hmm. All right. So you want first class? No, no, just basic JFK. Okay, basic is 6.34 for the 6am flight. You should go. No, no, I'm just saying, though, 10 years ago. Every flight was three bills.

Right, 300, 40s. That's one way. One way? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Dog, I'm telling you. I think so. It's summertime.

They're slinging dick now. You might as well go there with your asshole out and go take me. I'm yours. This platinum fucking card they give you from America. Oh, no, no, no. It could be a round trip if you want to take the 6 a.m. Yeah, 6 a.m. Six bills.

Yeah. Six bills. Let's say you got a family of four. That 24 right off the bat. The Uber, $2,500, 400. Uber and a fucking plane ticket. That's if you have a family of four, you want to go back east with your family, you know, family of two kids and you and your wife.

It's $2,500 with the Uber and American Airlines. And you were right. First class is 24-09. Look at his face. Who pays 24? So everything's an upgrade. Someone else. No, no.

He gives someone else to pay for it. Everything's an upgrade. So all those guys that take that flight are business guys. They laugh at Americans' face. I did enough road work. I got executive plastic. I think I'm still holding the executive platinum. I think I'm platinum.

Yeah. What's executive plan? That's a top of tier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like it means something, like sometimes you can upgrade. American integrated. I know who's, I tell you who's banging. Who?

Delta. I don't fucking like that. Listen, Delta's got the best flat into JFK. You know, some people. Go, go. See what the price is. I've not had great experience with their... Delta first class.

With their times. It's tremendous. It's better than American first class. Yes. They treat you like, um, Human being number one, number two, they got better food. And number three, if you fly on, they have that one program with your check in, they give your drink in the morning, they get your thing.

Yeah. They got beds. Yeah? And where it's in the lounge? Delta's got beds that go down on the plane. No, they got those on American now, where you get your own, get your own apartment. Yeah. You got your own fucking apartment on the plane.

That's why they charge you the 24 bills on American. Because you got your own little apartment That's the first, first class, not business No, no, that's the first. You get pretty close to laying down But not quite laying down First class you get in a park Right. First class, business is

Regular first class in American Like if you go to Kentucky from fucking How much Delta? All right, let's, oh, a little bit It's 628 But actually first class is only 2245 Yeah, they always try What are you talking?

Yeah, it's like $3, $3 a $150 class. It's a $150. So everybody who takes that flight. No one's paying for it out of their own pocket. Nobody's paying for it. So everything is an upgrade. An upgrade or they're being flown by the company.

Right. So I got like, wow, there you're hitting on that. That's what you got to, that's what you're working for. Not the big money. You're working for someone to fly you first class somewhere. I'll do the gig. Fly me first class. You're on a plane first class.

If you tell the improv is to fire your first class, they'll fly your first class with your own money. They'll take that out of your check one way or another. Yeah, right or wrong. Every comedy club will tell you. First class, yeah. You and your boss. Everybody's, absolutely. Sure.

Sure. Everybody. You want champagne on the first class? Half the house is papered. Oh, my God. You get a fucking bill at the end because those four fucking savages you brought with you, they ate and drank all week. They thought everything was on the arm.

And all of a sudden the guy goes to the back and goes, what happened to the fucking... No one's getting paid. Hope he had a good time. Nobody's fucking getting paid. Let me ask you something. I was watching, you know, promotion sent me the trailer today. Of you?

Of you and I. It's great. and I'm watching you. It's doing a great shooting days. Joey and the Rooster. He's just to made a short film. Guy who's fucking, see, I got to get you.

I wish I could get those outtakes. I should just pull those outtakes. I was so scared of chickens. I couldn't believe it. It was the best thing. What were you going to say? I'll tell the story in a minute. No, there's no story.

You were watching it. I'm watching this trail and I'm watching you. And you know, well, the creepiest fucking nights, I got to tell you, I had in L.A. I had to think hard about this. I've had like three creepy nights, and all of them were in the coaching horses. All of them, I had to go through the coaching horses. Yeah.

Guys, the coaching horses was a real old school bar with L.A. people. I had a couple creepy ones. Yeah, that was a creepy place. Oh, dude, I had one. Yeah. But one night I was in there, John out of my mind. Yeah. I got some Coke and Silver Lake by that Cuban bakery up there.

Listen to me, I was going to an audition, and I got lost. Yeah. And I go down this block and I hear gunshots. Yeah. And you're like, oh. You can't write this fucking shit. This can only happen to Uncle Joey. Yeah.

And I pull over and I look up and the guys got a, the cop's got a shotgun and the guy's on the fucking floor and people are running and the guy's got a gun. And so I'm sitting there watching this shit. And all of a sudden I go to cut over and I hear boom and my tire goes out. I'm like, what the fuck? It's 335. I just got up here. I got out of traffic.

I got a little. loss. And the helicopters are flying around me. My flat tie goes, what am I going to do? I, you know, I didn't even have a fucking cell phone those days. I pulled over and I went up to whatever sunset is and I called Marilyn Martinez.

And Marilyn Martinez lived in Silver Lake at the time when it was broken down. This is 98 when the shit was going down. 99. You were here. 98, 99. Yeah, 98, you were here. 97. It was my first year here. I was coming out here and there. I didn't live here.

So I go to the husband comes over. We take the tire. We go to that neighbor. They got those tire things on the hill up. Yeah. On sunset, if you keep going up in Silver Lake, they got those five dollars, they got a tire for you. How much you got out of four hours? Hold on.

Yeah. That comes back on the tie. He puts crazy glue on the hole. So I put one of those tires on. And all of a sudden I started talking to Dave was the guy's name. And he goes, you know, my brother-in-law is Cuban. He just got out of doing 11 years for distribution. I said, no shit.

He goes, you want to meet? And I go, yeah, let's go over there and talk to him. I go over there. He's got these saints. They just kill the chicken. They're dressed in white. My type of fucking Cubans, I start talking. Two, three minutes in the guy right off the back goes, get him pass.

As soon as they say, get on pasa, you're in. That means he want to bump. Yeah. Absolutely. He comes out, takes a rock out of a suitcase. Br-da! I do a line, dog. It's 3.30.

By this time, it's 4.30. I do a line. I'm electrified. Yeah. Now, my number one rule. rule was no coke before I went on stage. Right. It was in the middle of the day.

Not even the middle of the day because that fumes were getting to my stand up. I just had this rule. I didn't care. When I saw that rock that he got shiny, it was like that old China white pearl. This is 97. This guy just got out of jail. How great is it to listen to old drug faints talk about drugs? And the craziest thing is I've been with him for five years.

This is the furthest from what I've seen. So that's why it's so crazy to me because it's like it's unbelievable. So we start talking one thing leads to another He goes, you ain't calling me anytime you need something He goes, do you want to take some now? I don't have no money. He goes nobody comes to my house and leaves short-handed He goes back in this doctor's bag He takes out three-quarters of a G-bo Who's better than me? I'm happy as fuck

Yeah, but there's only one problem and I got to look at you in the end I tell you this I am so fucked up on that little line I did I can't leave I was electrified like it was 8, 1980s Coke, my hairs were sticking up, my pupils are dilated, and all I could taste is a Budweiser and a can. And I get in the car, and I'm out there, jawing my brains out. I had to hide the fucking Coke and the spare tire under the fucking thing.

And all I had to do was get to, at that time, God knows where the fuck I lived. I lived somewhere in Hollywood. All I do is get home. I get home, guess what, I put away the package, like a gentleman. I got, like, in those days, Mitzie used to lurk. Yeah. You know, you cancel on Mitzie. in those days.

It was two weeks without a spot. I haven't got a spot anymore. I didn't get a spot anymore. I do the spot. It's black night. Yeah. And I go down there and all of a sudden, I do two bumps of this shit.

Let me tell you something. I'm the laziest fuck in the world. I walk from the store directly to coaching horses. There's a liquor store. After the store, you go to coaching horses. I mean, there's a liquor store. Let me tell you how much I drank. When I used to do, I don't drink.

I don't like it. But in those days, once I did the third line, it was over. You see these guys, I'll drink anybody under the table. You're not going to fuck with Joey Diaz. Trust me. And I remember walking from the store, and the first liquor store I stopped was by the Chautau Marmont. And then I drank a fucking butterwines like a savage New York stuff.

Refreshing. The big can, da-da-da-ta-ta-ta-to-cold. And I was jawing and the coke is in my throat. And it was that sweet Chinese. And I could taste it. And I walked all the way up to another liquor store. was past Fairfax next to the Kentucky Fried Chicken where the blockbuster video used to be.

I got another can of beer there. Boom. I'm fucked up. I'm going in the bushes. I'm taking powder. I'm doing it in my nose. Meanwhile... So is anything going, like, what's happening?

Because it's an upper downer. It's an upper downer all around the, you understand me? He's sweating and he's looking around walking on sunset. On sunset. It's 1115. I'm headed to the coaching horses. Oh, that place. I walk in the coaching horses.

It's huge. Shoebert, Dave Fulton. We were there? Everybody, like 10 comics were there, and everybody was fucking doing blast. I remember going to that bathroom, and the bathroom was small,

and I was put... Fulton. Remember Dave Fulton? Yeah, he's like, he's in England or something. I'm putting water in my nose, and I was parked on Josh Wolfsblock. That's where I lived in the car part-time

and in his house part-time. And I was parked over there, and I got so... I saw you guys. I said two or three words to you guys. I couldn't talk. Got cocaine, honey? When you can't talk.

That's how good to blow was. Like, I couldn't talk. And I still had a fucking four-tenths of a G-bo left. I'm on fire. I got to go somewhere and jerk off. Yeah. What's a G-bo? A gram.

Okay. So I got four-tenths of a gram. And Joey speak. And I got a bang one out. Yeah. You got to get down. You got to come down and focus. I fucking crossed the street.

And there's a 7-11. Yeah. I'm cursing on. I bought a can of be, and I ran to that fucking car. I put the air on, I put the seat back, and I bang two good ones out.

It took me an eye one and a half for sweat and then put the coke on my dick and fucking... You felt better, though. Oh, my God. I came, and then I could... The paranoia went away, the initial paranoia. You go back to the bar? And I went back to coaching horses,

and you guys were leaving with broads. They were broad, and you guys were going to somebody's house. And I was too coked out to even have a conversation. But I knew that going. Yeah, that bar was evil. That bar was evil.

I wasn't going to, you know, you ever get those guys that are annoying, and then they show up, and now they can't talk, and they're drinking. I didn't want to be that guy. That was my guy. Well, there was always, like, a contingent of, like, relatively healthy kind of young people, and then there was always these old fucking druggies there. Like, oh, yeah, there was a, yeah. Just fucking, just, who jerks off?

Yeah, I was going to say, who? On a car around the corner from Malcolm Padres. Twice. You know, like, one time I jerked off on like a clean shirt. Yeah. And the other time, like a pillow cake. I mean, it was just disgusting. It was a way to get down, you know what I mean?

If you didn't have nothing to get you down, it was a way just to fucking get level. Oh, my God. I just remember that was one of the first times I saw you, like, rocking. And nobody was talking. Nobody. Everybody was at the bar, elbows up, looking straight ahead. Yeah, I used to go there occasionally when I was in town doing that shit. Yeah.

Jimmy was always kind of, like, he'd go right to like, what's going on? You hear something? Like, you know, it was there, was he, it would be a line out, he'd do it, and then it's like, check the closets. It was there was no good time in between, you know, the line and, you know, checking the closets, you know what I mean? I was shooting the movie, Basketball. I'm a fucking moron, more on, Mark, Marlon.

Which one? Which movie? Basketball. I come to town. They send me the 20th century fox. Yeah. And they tell me. And they go, go NYPD Blue.

I go to NYPD Blue, eat a bag of shit. It's nine pages, Spanish, English. I can't cut this. I'm walking back. And as I'm walking, a lady pops out and goes, are you here for the audition? Yeah. And she looks at me and goes, yeah.

And she gives me this side. She goes, learn them and come back in five minutes. I go back. I don't know nothing about nothing, Mark Maron. Mark Maron, not even a school play. Yeah. Okay. I go in, blah, blah, blah.

I read, thank you for coming in. All right, boom, my God. I'm living in a hotel on Shrader. There's a hostel. It's now a hostel. Then it was $27 a day. You got a three-week limit. SRO.

Oh, my God. I would go there every night. You have a hot plate? No, I just stayed on Hollywood Boulevard and got malaria and everything else that comes with it. I lived in that place because you could only live there for three weeks of the shot. Yeah. Trouble to there for two weeks go on the road. Ten days go on the road.

So I never made the limit. This is 90 fucking seven. Yeah. And when they call, it was like the Rocky Hotel. Yeah. Somebody goes, is there a Joey Diaz? In the hallway. In the hallway.

In the hallway. Hey, you Joey Diaz? Yeah, you got to call downstairs. I don't know if we're walking downstairs, picking up the phone. They're like, hey, man, it's your manager. Ken Phillips. What's up, Ken? Listen, I got a, you got the movie basketball.

I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, yeah, it's three weeks, $5,500 a week. What are you talking about? $5,500. In the back of my mind, I'm like, that's about 50 fucking grand. Like everything that you talk by a kilo When you're fucking When you're doing blow

Every time somebody talks to you like How much is it paid? 250 you're like It's a half a ball I can make my compayment You know but every time with some amount Of coke came into that math figure So I

So when you hear 50,000 Oh my 5500 for three weeks But there was a catch I had to pay for my own SAG APA got them to fucking waive the fee Well Taff Hartley in Taffel no no pay it The producers pay

it right in those days they would talk to Purdue you want to you gotta pay the Purdue you gotta pay the Purdue there boom they put me in that dog I was a I was a 24 hour medicine there because I'm a comic yeah I don't know what it is to wait yeah how much longer two more hours what you're talking sitting in the trailer yeah practice and roller skate yeah so eventually the street me came out what do you think I started doing stealing roller skates from the big truck they had a big truck they had like 18 pairs of 13. So you're waiting to shoot and you're stealing rolling.

Every night. I'm taking a pair of roller sticks, taking up the ski chalet, three bills plus tax. I'm taking back cash every day. There's not how to wait until one guy got off. One guy got back on every day. They finally knew it.

They're like, what the, what are we? On top of $5,500 a week? Yeah, on top of, and I didn't even get a check yet. And now, I'm living on $15 checks and living at a hostel, you know, and all of a sudden, I'm stealing roller skates. Listen, but now there's like 10 other guys telling the story

from me. the other side. We had this guy. Oh, my God. Biggie's name was Joe. Steering fucking skates every night thinking no one knew it. Oh my God, every night until they only had like up to size six. But here's the clinket.

For two weeks, I'm in there every day, six to nine. Nobody says two words to me. I'm sitting there watching McCarthy, the chick doing fucking hitting a bag with her monkey sweating. She's out there in 90-degree weather, doing karate. That was my highlight of the day. Watching her workout. So when I go to the store, who do I team up with?

Jenny McCarthy? Jimmy two shoes. Oh, yeah. Boom. Yeah, what do you ain't doing? Not unless you, when you get paid, you come to see him. When you get paid, you come to see him. You know, he had just gotten this deal.

He's out there fucking every night. He's out there fucking camera. You got the leather jacket. What do you think? It's the first Toyota in my family. Tremendous. I team up with that lunatic. And we go up to Los Felice.

When he lived up on the hill there, I got to tell you, Mark, man, we did a couple bumps next thing, you know. We're both on the floor. Yeah. Crawling because there was somebody outside. Because I was okay. Oh, my God.

I was okay in those days until you got creepy. Yeah. Like, once I caught you looking out of the window, that's it. That's all you needed. That's it. That eight ball is done. Either you're going to snort it or we're going to throw it away because there's cops out there.

I never got that. I was never that guy. is a doing blow. You never got paranoid. Well, no, I didn't. I don't know why. Did you see somebody get paranoid? Yeah. Who? A lot of people. Well, Jimmy's like, yeah, but some guys just did that. You know, so that was, that was what happened. You know what I mean? It was like, it was just, it was a certain type of guy. You know, I just never, it was never my thing. I would get a, yeah, I never got the

fucking paranoid thing. Oh my God. I was fine. I get more paranoid on weed. For years, I was fine. I was a soldier at that. Well, that's what happened. I'm talking about six and a half a year mark was where I started seeing things and hearing things Oh well no, okay Well yeah when I thought when I hit the wall Oh yeah the seven year mark

Oh please I hit the wall When I hit the wall there was a lot of voices But the paranoia wasn't about cops It was about like fucking like aliens Oh yeah no no there was no aliens in my world But not aliens but somebody The forces I understood the forces of evil And there was people that might be working for

Like people I knew That's one of them he's undercover for the forces of eat like i was fucked up with the uh with the psychosis but never like on a casual night that i think cops were coming but when i finally lost my mind i'm pretty sure i was at the store i'm like i'm a secret agent i'm supposed to be here for for to understand what's going on here satan's got a hold of this place and it's i got to spread the words i didn't yeah i had to go i had a go yeah i had a conversation with letto one in the morning after the comedy store and i shook while i was And I shook on until I went to my living room and took a fucking Xanax like a 0.5 I shook just going talking about it you know Learning about psychology with psychology mates you know you know it's totally one night I ran out of bloom I'm in Boulder Colorado it's two in the morning yeah I call my roommate my roommate's a deal I can't fucking find this blog call him up you Come over here with a party I go over there there's like eight people laying around this

blow every when I'm doing little bumps. I go, where's the back? I go, the one in the back clogged up, you have to go downstairs. I go downstairs. I check down. There's another chick. And I pee, and I come out.

She's like, you want to do a line? I do a line with her. She's telling me about her kids, how she's married. You know, tomorrow, what is she going to do? It's two in the morning. She has to go to the little league game at 9 in the morning. Horrible. Next thing you know, she's like, you want to play a big game of ping pong.

Yeah. We're playing ping pong. Next thing you know, do you want to gamble? I'll gamble. A gamble. A gamble. We're doing a cold, we're drinking beers. Fucking son starts coming out.

She starts telling me, like, you want to gamble and play strip, ping pong? You know what I'm going to? I'm up for anything. This girl was dirty, four, hot. You know, where's your husband watching the kids? She's completely naked. Next thing you know, we're banging on the ping pong table. You know, I can't explain this to people.

Next time. She just gets up like nothing happened. I got to bite nothing happened. I want to work my life. Yeah. Until a week later, there you go, I slept with a married woman with kids. She sucked my dick with a coke rock on it

over a ping pong table. You know, and she got up and went to a little. Well, it's like a different time zone. You know, you enter this zone when you're up to a night. No, I'm shaking. Yeah. Well, you do those all night things. Like, all of a sudden, like, it's like the middle of the night.

You don't know what time it is. Everyone's jacked on coke and shit happens. Weird shit happens. And it takes a couple of days to get back to normal time zone. But then you're sort of like, what the fuck was that? And then you see the person again, maybe like, Yeah, don't talk about it. Is it like, you know how sometimes I say like stuff when you're drunk, what you really want comes out?

Is it that? Like when you're on Coke, is it what you really want? Well, no, it's just like weird magic happens. Like it's some dark energy that I'm good. Where like, you know, things just become possible that weren't possible. It's not like you're saying things you don't want. It's just like, shit gets weird. One thing will happen.

And then you're like, is this happening? And then it just, shit just fucking gets weird. It's like that, you know, when I was. oh man you just see people come and go you lose sense of time sometimes days go by and characters come and go and shit happens like when i was hanging up there at the store like you know all that shit with sam and then just like normal shit where you'd go on these three-day runs because we didn't have nothing to do and the no cover night was monday night so the party would start then sometimes it would go to wednesday and you don't know what the fuck happened or like some there's a woman used to climb in our window

she's to climb she could come in the door but she'd climb in the fucking window for some reason and she'd make out and do shit with me and then Schubert and then like she disappeared and like a years later i think she's a school teacher now i don't know sometimes you're just somebody's bad face you know they move they move through and then they go on to have regular lives and we're here talking about the other side of it but i feel guilty like sometimes you go Jesus fucking Christ what did like i started in 1979 yeah and it started getting crazy well you i mean you're like a a Jedi man master of it.

I don't think I got as far out, but maybe I'd give myself, you know, a break. But like, you know, after the first psychosis, you know, I knew that there was a problem with that. It didn't stop me. I'd stop here and there for a while. But, you know, it just got fucking scary. For me, it got scarier like an 84. I felt like five years of fucking going nuts with it.

Like, I didn't even think of stopping. until 84 until shit was I was living under a rocket ship in northern New Jersey a rocket ship like a at the park

yeah at the park are you sweeping outside she oh it's fucking terrible like it yeah I didn't low then I got cleaned up for a long time

I always swept indoors oh my horrible in November and then I got cleaned up for a while and then I went into this other deeper section and then I found out

years later that you know even when you stop doing blow the addiction still grows. So now I'm dealing with ounces. Mark Marin. I would open up an ounce and wake up as an eight ball. I really

did 21 grams. It's fucking horrible. You're lucky to be alive. You know, like you look at it. You know, God gives you a certain amount of heartbeats. Right. But you know what fucked me is that like all that crazy shit when I was, when I got into that psychotic state, I was at the store. It was the late 80s. And I was really out of my mind.

And then it took like a year and a half, two years to shake the fucking weirdness, to shake the, I'd go the store and it just re-trigger and be like it's still fucked up like it took like two years to get my brain back to where that was just a building and you know I wasn't on some sort of secret mission from the forces of whatever like I'd get right when I got to LA I'd see the fucking haze over the city I'm like I'm back in it I better start taking notes because there's going to be questions I don't know when it's going to happen but I'm going to be summoned but it took a long

time I was so happy when that shit went away that show that we're doing is tomorrow night man we should tell people no no i are people watching yeah yeah yeah people watching but they'll get it tonight this will be up and now after the show ends right well the uh yeah our episodes tomorrow night it was great i looked at it i saw the cut cut together beautifully but boy that was the you and the rooster man i hate fucking chickens we we fucking did can i tell the real story about this because you were a fucking trooper you really because i mean i called you on a day's notice go go go go i he's so you so you're here's what happens.

We wrote this fucking episode, right? And I call, like, I, I, I, I'll be honest with the viewers, you know, Artie Lang was cast in this part, Artie Lang. And we wrote the fucking thing for him, right? And, uh, and then like two days, what was it two days before? I get a call from Artie's like, yeah, I can't, you know, I thought it was only going to be a day. I mean, no, it's the full fucking episode.

You don't know, all these, like, I thought it was going to be, I got a gig in New Jersey. I can't be out there. I don't know what to do. Like, you know, Artie's worked up. He's afraid he's going to relapse. He's got this. He's going to make more money on these gigs. And I'm like, dude, forget it.

Just forget it. I hang up the phone. I'm like, I don't know what we're going to do. And this kid who's a writer's assistant, this guy, Sam, this is a young guy. He's working as, you know, just almost a PA, but he's, you know, he's my guy on set. He's like, what about Joey? Why don't you have Joey come back as Bobby? I'm like, holy fuck.

You're a fucking genius. because it was like it was you and it was better because you already established on the show we'd done blow together it was like that's the way it should have been so I call you I'm like can you do it you like yeah I'll do it I'll be there tomorrow what time and we did it and it was I couldn't even imagine it being with anybody else like it was the way it was supposed to be because we already had the fucking relationship but I'll tell you there's a scene where you got I don't even want to tell people what it is but Bobby Joey's got to handle a rooster like a live rooster there's a situation where he's got to he's got to pick it up he's got to walk with it and i had no idea

that this was joey's biggest fear and fucking like we're like you're ready to look at the we open the trunk where the rooster is he's like i can't do this i can't do it you don't understand i'm cuban i can't touch a rooster they're fucking evil i can't it's just too much and i'm like are you kidding me you're the guy like you know you're telling these blow stories people are shooting guns and shit you get a chicken around this guy's like oh no No, no, it's not going to happen. But he fucking, he steps up, he mans up to the chicken, and he's got to pick it up.

We got a chicken handler there showing you how to handle it. And he picks it up, and he does this scene twice, and Rob Cohen's directing. He's like, we've got to get it one more time. And Joey's like, that's it, though. One more time, that's it. And he picks it up for the third time, and he puts it down. And Rob's like, he's like, maybe we got to do it. And you're like, that's it.

Oh, my God. I got to walk away from the chicken. Could not fucking, like, I felt like we did some real. work like we solve some real childhood trauma oh terrible i couldn't believe it terrible do you do you like you're like you're over it now the chicken fear the risk i took the chicken i picked up the chicken as fearful as i am a chickens i picked it up in this and i thought about getting needles i go the quicker i do this yeah quick or you finish i can't hold 80 people yeah if it was just me and mark mark my go fuck himself with this chicken i ain't pick up this fucking chicken fuck him and rob calling and rob

Cohen's brother and his uncle. But the whole crew is there. I can't do that to people, teamsters, people work. I have a phobia. I have a fucking phobia. You know,

it's a big rooster too, man. He was beautiful. Yeah. He was fucking beautiful. I mean, beautiful. And he didn't flick at me

and nothing with the stuff, but it's, listen, man, you have no fucking idea. I couldn't believe we got it. I was like, I don't know how we're going to cut this shit together,

but it looks great. It looks great. I can't believe that you just opened up a can of worms. Oh, my God. Because I was, you know, when you grow up Cuban, one day you eat in cereal, and all soon you hear a chicken in your bathroom. I'm on 88th Street. Why is there a chicken on my bathroom?

Yeah. And you open it up. You're like, mom, there's a chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to do something later with a chicken. What can you do the fucking chicken? We could just go to the supermarket panty product. It's right on Broadway.

Right. So they'd slaughter the chicken? So they, you know, they'd make noises, a Santerian, and they killed the chicken. And I watched it. You know. It's a religion thing. It's the religion answer. You get traumatized.

But once you make saint, you got to mess with those chickens. You got to grab them. And I would just grab the chickens and cry. And then just drop it. And they go, you got to grab the chicken. I ain't grabbing the fucking chicken. And people would stop the black dude on the Congo drums. He's got to get the chicken.

I ain't touching the chicken. This went on until my mom gave me a beating. Right in the room. You got to pick up the chicken. Such real fucking trauma. Oh, I hate that shit. And then I remember living on, once we fucking left 88 street. No, in 89th Street, she had a goat one time.

Goats and chickens. 89th Boulevard, not Boulevard East, Riverside Drive. Yeah. We were white people, Mark, matter. He's a white people, dentist. Yeah. She's like, holy elevator. We got a goat.

And we got a goat. You know, and then one time I saw a monkey. Was it in a cage? We saw a monkey. We saw a monkey. Cubas don't have caves. They don't believe in caged poultry. It was the 70s.

It was like they had them by the horns. And they held them and wrestled them. told me up. I was, I'm a little kid going, what the fuck. That was for Santeria, too? You killed the goat, and then you cooked the fucking goat. The monkey, too? I don't know about the monkey.

They had a monkey for some reason. There's a monkey involved. I never saw the monkey getting stabbed. I don't know what happened with the fucking monkey, but I don't know. I felt like, you know, it was like you, it was like a weird thing we were walking through it with you because you got, you know, it's just like that. Like, I was like, really? And you're like, dude, it's the one thing.

The one thing. Whirls, roosters. Pigeons. I fucking hate pigeons more than chickens and roosters. Squirrels, I don't even register anymore. They're around my house, but I don't even notice them. They're like invisible to me. I can't.

But they look at me weird. They look at me weird. So this is residual from the Coke shit. This is from Boulder. They've been looking at me weird. The squirrels are on to you. Since the halfway house days, they were watching me and shit. Squirrels are on to you.

Hilarious, no, but it looks good, man. It's a funny episode, you know, with the girls, everything. Like it was it really worked good I was so fucking happy you could do it And it's so much better I got nothing against Ardy But Jesus that was some bullshit Two days before

You got to shoot And it was like you were the guy You were the perfect guy for Well thank you for giving me an opportunity Both times my friend Well the first time I wrote that for you I had a great time I had a great time

I love that fucking episode That let me loose in a different way Like doing that Like that opportunity Let me loose As an actor I guess I don't know I didn't give a fucking

fucking that. I was so, like, meticulous about that episode. I want that to be perfect because, you know, it's delicate. It's a comedians episode, you know, that story. It's just, I love that fucking episodes. It might be my favorite episode of the fucking show. Like, and I don't know why, like, I want to hear from more comedians about it because it's such a, like, it's so specific and so funny.

You know, the best part of it at the end, he's like, I don't fucking care. I don't even doing the joke anymore. That is amazing, that end. Because we've met guys. We've met guys in that way. I thought they'd have the opportunity of a lifetime. I wanted to look at this. That's exactly right.

They're like, too much work. Yeah, hang around. Listen, I'm going to New Mexico. I know the waitress. He gives tremendous blow jobs. The waiter sells coke. He still owes me from the last time. I'm going to sit in that land going to the comm.

He's still and wrestle with these savages. They ain't got shit going on. There's a lot of comics on the road that are like that, Mark Merritt. I know. That stay out there until the end, selling roller skates and calendars and fucking, you know. Does it scare you to? think of that? I mean, is that, like, it scared the shit out of me, man. When I started the podcast,

when I was looking down at nothing and I had no dates, I'm like, oh, the best it could happen is if I just string along those, like, you know, those, you know, get into that zone where you do them B rooms and you just, you know, kind of work and check to check. And I know a lot of guys do it and I feel for them and, you know, and some of them still love it. And I love doing stand-up, but I was terrified of like not having a choice. That was what scared me the most. Not having a choice. taking whatever I had to get by. The idea that scared me.

I loved doing comedy. Yeah. And I loved doing Blow. And I loved everything that came with Blow. I liked the Lion, the Barrow, and the fucking Boutoir. I was really good at it. You know, I've been doing it for a long time. But there was one individual that changed my whole comedy career.

His name was John Fox. I know John Fox. Rest in peace. Oh, the comic. Not the Booker. From the first time I met John Foxx's a laugh factory, he rubbed me the wrong way because he was already high. He was proud that he was high. He had nothing going on.

And afterward, he came right up to me and pitched me about his whole Rodney resume. And I probably had coke in my pocket at that time. Once I had coke in my pocket, I'm at peace. Now you've got to give me a fucking year beating. Oh, yeah. About something 15 fucking years ago. The package dance where you're like, wait, fuck. And then when you feel it, you're like,

oh, I'm sorry, what were you saying? What were you saying? And they're like, what happened? None, I got an itch. I got an inch in my pants. But that was the first time he tried to muscle me. And he came to the comedy store later on with Paul Rodriguez. And, you know, they were partying.

Everybody was partying at the store. This is 97. I had heard, you know, things about John Fox. You know, all good things. But once I saw him. And then I worked at Myrtle Beach. and he came in to do a gas spot. Yeah.

And he came in with this crack chick. She looked like she had sucked a thousand coxin counting. And, you know, they came in on a scam. They wanted to do a 10-minute guest spot, blow up the room, and then sell CDs afterwards so he could do blow.

That's where he was at. That's where he was at in 99. And I was still seven years away from doing blow. But that memory shocked me because that was my biggest fear was ending up on the road telling people about, do you ever see them with basketball? Yeah.

I'm in it. Yeah, yeah. You know, that's true. You see those guys. Sure. You know, I lived in LA. You've got to be a fucking cock-sucker to live in LA. You got to be a faggot.

And you sit there in a room going, I'm a feature actor when I live in L.A. And it's great. Yeah. Like, I'm doing great. They told me I wouldn't. I'm doing great. How many of those guys are still alive?

Really? Comedy is a different animal now. Right. If you really think about comedy, you never hear a fucking thing. Mark Maron about, did you hear what happened in New Mexico? No. Such and such got hammered last week.

This guy fell off of stool. This guy's doing heroin. This guy's in jail. Those days are over with. I mean, Angel. The Fed's got that guy. Angel. He went to jail and whatever.

Did he? Yeah, he got arrested in Arizona for child support. $82 or something like a miscalculation in New York and they called the club to him back. I don't know what the deal was. But like, you know, Angel still parties. Wow. Angel's still getting down like a shit. Yeah, he's still getting down like it.

And you see him and you're like, you know, God bless you. Yeah. I did not want to be that guy. I didn't know. Me neither. Because after a certain age, it's on you. You know, it's like right now, when was the last time somebody came up to you said, Mark, I got this fucking Coke? I got it from fucking.

No way, no way anymore. Nobody comes up to you because it's an aura that's around you. You, like the guy said in the song, there's an aura that's around you. Yeah, that's true. Nobody comes up to me. Yeah, and the people they come around. Yeah, that's right. You feel it.

And they kill guys, those people. Those people were in every city. You know, they killed, they killed Hedberg. You know, like, there's no way Hedberg was ever going to stop anything. Because he'd show up and be like, yeah, he's here. You know, the devil's representatives would show up. Oh, as soon as he'd get to a town, by the time he checked into his hotel. It's all set.

There's messages were in already. The light was blinking. Even if you, like, those poor bastards that get into that zone where you can't, even if you want to get out, you can't get out. People expect it from you. So if you told a dealer, I'm not doing it anymore, would they stop calling or no? They still want to come to the show, and they'll come all three nights until they break you. A good dealer? Like if I'm your dealer-Lee and you come to Houston and you say to me, my wife just had a kid, I haven't done it in 32 days.

You're done. I got you. Okay. That was why I knew I had to leave when I lost my mind at the comedy store. No, the dealer came out to me, and I go, what am I going to do? He goes, you got to get out of here. You know, when the dealer says you got to go, you better go. Oh.

Imagine. He was like, yeah, got to go do your own thing. I'm like, okay. Okay, I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Yeah, but like, how much were you doing at that point, if you don't mind me asking? Me? Yeah.

I was not like, you know, I would, it was just sort of a way of life in that I lived at the store. I lived in the house. So, you know, someone would come with some. I'd have a package. Was that your worst run up to the store? Is that your worst run that you had? For that eight months? Yeah, that led to that.

That led to me losing my mind. Yeah, that was the worst run. And then after that, I had a guy in New York. I got clean for a while. I met a chick that I married eventually. But I had a guy in New York. But I was like a guy like, I was in New York and the dude was on the Lower East side. And I'd get over there early and I think I could get it out of the way.

So I'd do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. You know, and I'd just kind of like, I'd nurse it. You know, I didn't blow out unless I'd, you know, I didn't blow out unless I went on the road, and then I blow out and I come back all beat up. So I always could sort of manage. But I thought I was going to die, and I kind of wanted to die. That was what got me. Was that like, I can't live like this, but I can't stop.

So maybe it would be better if I just had a heart attack. I didn't want my wife at that time. It was my girlfriend. And I kept saying, you know what, whatever I do, I do. But some people in life don't deserve to find somebody on the floor, purple. Right. Yeah. I'm with

I've met the I never had rules like that if you're wondering how much I did I didn't have that rule like you look I love you I don't want you to find me purple I just some policy I just thought about Have you ever found somebody?

No Not from an OD or anything Just somebody shot in the head Somebody got hit by a car No I don't with that life It stays with you forever It could be a relative I couldn't imagine

Being in a room with four guys Who you love With an eight ball on the floor And a hooker comes over And everybody's getting their dick suck And somebody goes And then passes out. You always thought that was going to happen.

That's one of the reasons why I stopped is like someone's going to go down and I don't want it to be me. It was the same fucking thing. It was the same psychology. I kept saying, you know what? If I died, it wouldn't matter. But if she finds me, he's going to stay with this poor girl forever and she don't deserve this.

You know, and everyone I wake up, Mark Myron, the end of I put narco on, a friend came over there like, do you have narco? I want to watch. Like, okay. And then we were talking, I thought about it. How lucky. my life was. And all of a sudden, today, the chick from from IFC

sent me the trail. And I saw a picture of you. I'm like, how lucky are we? This fucking guy, how lucky is he that you got the greatest second chance of all fucking time? You and Bernard King? You know Bernard King? No. Play for the Knicks. Oh, yeah? Great. He went out to the Golden

State Warriors, got the comeback player of the year, and they got him back to the next, and he just destroyed the league for three years. That's what you did. You're a comeback fucking player of the year. Yeah. How lucky are we that? We don't.

I can't. And the other thing I knew, like, you know, because I'd let it all go, was that like, I could show up for work. You know, that's the other thing that, for whatever reason, you know, by the time I started the podcast, I was like, they ain't going to happen for me. I'm just going to, you know, I'm going to do this, see what happens. Yeah, there's, you know, I'm not, you know, I don't sell tickets. I'm not going to be a big comic.

I'm not going to have a TV show. But I'm going to just work and try to make something happen. And I let it go. I like, I just, I just, I just, I seriously let it go. Like all the, you know, sort of the expectation. I'm just sort of like, I blew it. So now I'm going to sit in my garage and do this and just be honest and see what happens.

And then it started to come. And when I got the opportunities, the one thing I knew that I would never have known any of the time of my life was like, I can do this. I mean, I can show up for work. I don't give a fuck. Like, I can, you know, I'm not afraid of this shit. I didn't think this was going to happen. And I just, you know, like, so I had a confidence. Like, I knew the first season that was going to be dicey with the acting.

I knew if I got another. season I probably get a little better. You know, I just knew all this stuff from watching other guys. And then with the stand-up, I'm like, I know how to do this. There's something just quick. Like, I'm starting to draw crowds. And I'm like, I used to sit backstage before I went on. I'm like, I got fucking nothing.

This is going to suck. That fucking table's bullshit. How the fuck, you know, the middle just blew me away. What the fuck? You know, this is fucked up. And I go out on stage with that attitude. And now, like, I'm like, I get to a place where I'm working. I'm like, I'm just going to look at the stage.

I want to sit up there before the crowd comes in. I'm like, this is going to be. fun. You know what I mean? Like it all just like, you know, I'm excited about it. And I don't think that would have happened in any other time. And it wouldn't have happened had I given a fuck. Because honestly, Joe, I don't like, there's part of me that just doesn't give a fuck. And like, and that's like, that's threatening to people because they're like, you know, we might want you to like, no, yeah, maybe I'm not going to go. Come on my, I don't know what I'm going to do. It's amazing to say that you don't care and

it's over 700 episodes. Well, no, the podcast is my, my heart in my life. You know, the podcast is something that me and my business partner and producer Brendan have complete control over. And that's there and that's its own thing. That became this thing that I could never have expected and we make a nice living off it. But the other stuff, the TV stuff, now when people are like, you want to jump through hoops for anything? I'm like, nah, really. I don't really need to. Why would you?

Yeah. And so when the opportunity came to do the show and we did it, it was like, they gave us like complete creative freedom. You know, and I was just with a bunch of guys. I was nervous about things and I made sure the stories were writing stuff. But I just didn't, you know, I wasn't afraid of anything. And I didn't see those people as having power over me anymore. That's the one thing that went away. You know, when you got, me and my, Brendan, we weren't business guys.

We didn't know what the fuck a podcast was going to do or what. We just knew we were going to do it twice a week. And this was going to be the thing. And then as this model grew and people started to figure out how to make a little money, we grew with it. And then all of a sudden it's like, we got our own business. So this other shit is sort of like, yeah, maybe I'll, do it, you know, and that changed everything. But it's like, to have done a TV show, it's interesting.

I did all the things that a comic wants to do. Like, you always want to do your own show. And I did the, you know, the comedy specials. But it's so funny because I did it off to the side still. Do you know what I mean? There wasn't the network pressure. There wasn't the fucking freaking out. It wasn't like my specials not on HBO. So it was this thing where, like, I could do it with a certain amount of peace of mind and a little more control and like, you know, do it exactly the way I want it. and the people that find it, find it, and that's that. Do you think when I walked into fucking Felicia's garage and then a podcast of her that we'd be here,

do you think 20 years ago that podcast would do what this did? I mean, do you think that the president would be on a fucking podcast? In my house? No. I mean, who thought about it? Nobody knew. When we got behind the microphones, I had no idea. I was going to get a job selling cars.

Were you? Right down the corner. I just couldn't figure out how to pee in the bottle queen. Because I had that T-8C. But you talk to the guy, though? I went over there. Yeah? I went over there, and I talked to the guy, and I told him I had done this in college,

and I was got a closer at Douglas Toyota. The guy goes, let me check some references. Boom. Come and go pee. Oh, thank God. And I told him the truth. I said, listen, man, it's hot. See, you've got to give me a couple days,

or you get your kids pee or something. And then that whole thing, I started this with Felicia, and next thing, you know, it grew, and we got together with Lee. And it's just been, At times I feel like Justin Bieber, but I know that I've done other things in the business, that I'm not Justin Bieber.

I've done movies and TV shows and shit and stand-up. So I love it. Listen, what they're paying for TV today, like I just got a guest star offer on a fucking CBS show. I'm like, eight days. I can't have to go on the road for three days. That's right. point.

Yeah. And they're going to the room for three days and have a great time. I have a hotel room. Yeah. All the room service. Right. Go down to the sciviyaki bar. Isn't that amazing?

Unfucking believable. That you make those choices. Like, back in the day, you would drop everything. You'd cancel the club. Cancel everything. Cancel everything. Cancel next week because I want to rest. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to win an Emmy for this shit. Yeah. This is going to change my life. You would burn it. You would burn a bridge at a club to do a fucking audition. Like, you would, like, you'd get this fucking call. You'd have a Friday.

a Saturday and they like they need you to fly out today we can't put it on tape and you're like hey buddy I got to so you burn that club and then you go do that's why I that's why on the road I got fucked like I never stayed out there in any consistent way I never knew you had to build relationships with club owners I would take any sort of like opportunity to try to audition or whatever and think that was just part of it and then like I didn't have no you know I couldn't go really on the road towards the end towards I did the longest show in 2005 and I After the Longest Yard, I fucking went deep, Markland. And my body created this anxiety.

Yeah. I just got this weird feeling on fucking planes. So I would start canceling gigs either A because of the paranoia getting on the plane or B, because of auditions. Do you have many fucking weeks I used to cancel? Yeah. Because you want to break. I didn't give a fuck.

You want a break, yeah. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't know about the relationships and the people remember. I used to do horrible things. I just told the story the other night about, like, I just used to think, like, it's all about me. So, like, I remember one time I was in the, this is how I learned this weird lesson about that. You know, people have lives.

I was at Zanies in Chicago. And, like, I didn't draw. I was nobody, you know, and I was headlining, though. And there was, like, 12 people in the room. And I was doing one of those sets where it was just like, I was on stage for, like, an hour and a half. Yeah, just way over. just because I thought, like, I'm working shit out.

That's what this is for. And I go, well, that's it for me. I'm going to bring the host back up. And I just hear the bartender from the back of the room go, he went home. I'm like, oh, that's not. I know there's other people. Like, lives.

I could have just got off at an hour, like a fucking pro. But I'm just going to drag fucking Thursday night people down this hole with me. It was a sad moment, but I'm not great with the empathy back then, you know, and I'm just sort of like, all right. And they respect some people. It used to be a club in Beaumont. In Texas? I was friends with Slade for years.

I love Slade Daly. And he would book me twice a year, flying to Houston, due to Thursday night in fucking Houston. And then drop. He's up in Oregon now, right? Slade Hand. Oh, Swade, that's his first name. That's all you're talking about the other Slade.

And he bought this room with a partner. Yeah. For years he did this room. He didn't know his partner was stealing his Coke, his blow for Coke. Yeah. It was a pretty, solid room. There was a Houston-type

crowds. They were coming from New Orleans to make a long story short. I did two weekends there, Mark Maren. I still try to do community service by helping our comics to replace what I did there. Oh, really? Oh, I went there one weekend and they were just giving me Mexican Coke

that chunk shit by the pound. Yeah. I couldn't, you know what I'm saying? With the hard shit? Yeah. Like chicken it was good. It was tremendous. Yellow? It was just yellowish, you know. Yeah. And I fucking, another weekend I went and I tanged up with 30 volumes. And I was popping the volumes.

I was laying down on stage. We're being arrested for the stories we're telling. Oh, please. That's the smartest thing they could do. Do you ever wake up really fucking happy that this is not your life anymore? Dude. How many doors have opened for you since you said no? Like, okay.

Well, it took a while in sobriety to realize that things were better. You know, like it takes a long time to just get your life leveled off. And, you know, and then I was, it took, it was all the podcast, dude. It was all the, you know, we're talking 2009, 2010, when it started to make a, you know, it was, before that, it was over. It was over. Like, I really, my manager couldn't do nothing for me. Booking agent couldn't do nothing for me. It was fucking the worst.

What was this? Well, 2007, 2000, you know, the divorce finalized, 2007, 2008. and I guess, you know, I was kind of tapped out money-wise, had a little savings. And we started doing the podcast in New York. And then I just got in it. You know, I liked this mic. You know, I like doing this. And but I didn't, there was no way to make money.

And, you know, comedy gigs weren't really happening. And I had to erase my, you know, I was involved with the political dialogue because I was doing, you know, the lefty talk radio. But I didn't want to do that anymore because it was too narrow. And I just wanted to talk about other things. So it took a couple of years. to sort of, you know, reestablish or just establish myself in general. And then that's when it started happening, you know, like, because of the fucking podcast. There was just, like, years of being, people knew me.

I was in the game. I'd done Conan. I'd done Letterman. I'd done all that shit. But I wasn't selling tickets. No one knew me who was going to buy tickets. I had no draw. I had no, you know, I'd had opportunities.

I had deals. Nothing, nothing really came to pass. My space, you went through. I was there. I was there. This is it. This is it. This is nothing.

Nothing. And I thought that, you know, I made some money on Air America that first year because they were just dropping cash because, you know, they didn't know better. So I stashed all that money. And I was the first time I ever made money. That was 2004. And then she left me, 2006. So all that money fucking went away. And that I just really was, I didn't know what I was going to do if I was going to sell the house.

There was no, I used to do a joke about it. It's like, you know, you get to a point where, you know, there's no, there's no turning back. There's no, there was never a plan B. Because, like, you get to, you know, certain junctures in your life, you sit there and you're like, oh, fuck this. I could always, nothing. There's no nothing. There's nothing there. What are you going to do?

You know, so there's that realization. You know, like, my fucking, what am I going to do? And we're proud motherfuckers, too. That's the other thing. I don't know how the fuck people quit this thing. At that moment, I'd rather die than, like, I'm done. What are you going to walk away from? Then run into people.

Like, hey, Joey, what are you doing now? I just, I'm a buddy of mine has got furniture store. Got nice shit there, mid-century stuff. Maybe you come by. Like, there was one time where I was in a furniture store, and Jimmy Kimmel came in. And, you know, I had met him a couple times. I think I was doing the podcast already. But I was working down the store, and I think for a second he thought I worked there.

And it was like, it was so embarrassing because I went up to a waiter. But did you think I worked there? He's like, no, no, no, no. You did I work there. And I don't know how fucking people do that. I can't believe he just said this. What? The other than I go to the store.

Thursday night, first off about three days before I got a call from an ex-comic. And he's trying to give me an earbeat about a comic today that's kind of hot. Yeah. I said to him before, this goes on a year long ago, where do you give a fuck? Yeah. Well, I knew him back then, and now he won't answer my email. Listen, don't bother him no more.

Yeah. So, you know, it just bothered me that this guy had sent my friend. And then I go down to the economy store And there's another dude down there He quit the store And I put the story together later on But he was one of those guys That's hung out at the store every night

Yeah You know, had stories And you know, he might have get up And he would sign up on the sign up list And he would torment you Yeah He would torment you the whole fucking He didn't drink

He didn't get high Which made it even worse I'm trying to work on my fucking son Danny And this guy's over here Get me and he'll beat him He's not trying to just piss on your leg. Every fucking night he pissed on your fucking leg.

And then one night he got into him with Chewy. I think Chewy bit slapped him. He called 911. The store said don't come down anymore. Okay. He disappears. Chewy. He's lurking. Over the years, I've heard he's lurked. This had to be 2003. Next thing you fucking know, I get out of the car.

There he is. The other night. The other night? Hey, how you doing? Hey, how you don't? They never go away completely. You know what he said to me. What? Hey, sir, you still come here. And he goes, I'm done.

I walked away from it. I was one of those smart ones. I have four beautiful girls and the real estate business. Oh, yeah. Everything is great. I look at this place that's falling apart. You know, I'm old school. I wanted to unlove, but I know what difference would it make?

Yeah. This guy's living in somehow old Florida telling people when he... So why did he go back? Just to do that. Yeah. Just to do that. That's how that idiot wins. And you know what you're doing that?

happens you go up to Eric and go like don't like that guy's sitting in the room don't let that guy in oh I got a call about a month ago from an active female comic that she was at the store and they made her wait on life is there anybody I could call I said to do what to get her in I said you should stay the comic done I got to call you back out of Minneapolis bang hung up on what time I was at the store okay I'll get yeah I one time I was at the store And, you know, for whatever it's worth, you know, Kenneth and whatever relationship I have with him. I respect him as a comic, but he was a bully and he was not a great guy. And he put me through a lot of shit as a kid.

And, but like, you know, his brother, Bill, you know, whatever you think of Bill. It doesn't matter, you know, I don't need to. I've never met him. Yeah, I don't need to throw nobody under the bus, but I knew Bill. And, you know, what, you know, it's water under the bridge in a way. But one night I was at the store, it's not too long ago. And Bill and his wife, they're all dressed up, you know, and they're, you know, and they're, they're walking around like they're lost and they just you know he goes like what's going on here i don't know anybody anymore and i was just sort of like yeah it's what happens you know and he's just

like crestfallen and they just i just watched them walk away and i was like over it's over they're it's not it's not your place anymore you know sometimes like you know that place the thing about well if you have a relationship with that store like you like you're happy for it now you're happy for the fucking building you're like you know what i mean because a place was so fucking haunted and so dark and so weird at different points for different reasons. Like, you know, it's still haunted. No, I know. The haunt didn't go away.

It's not as haunted. Did you go down in the basement? Never again. They keep calling me to do a podcast. Where is it? The basement. Wait for me. I just,

I walked down there the first time the other night. How's it look? There's nothing. Just shit. Just boxes of shit. There's some stuff down there. Yeah. Go and sniff the walls.

Bring a dog down there. That's those bodies. I guarantee what's in those fucking walls. Yeah, I didn't read too much into it. The one thing I noticed is I've been talking about that fucking stool in the O-R for two or three months now. Right? It's fucked up. It's going to hurt somebody.

But I'm doing a bit about it. So I'm okay with it. And I talked about it on and on. For weeks, I went down the basement for the first time the other day. There's like three fucking new stools down there. Just sitting down there. So God bless them. They're like, don't put new one up.

Marin's got this great bit. We don't fuck his bit up. Just sitting down there. I don't trust the downstairs. This passage is all the way to the back. So you guys go to the front where you can still see daylight. Right, right. That's cool.

I don't know. You got to do Jacques Cousteau-type shit. I would have called Blake Clark. You got to go deep back into the murky waters of the underworld. There's some of those guys that have the real ghost stories. They're all door guys. Blake, Harris Pete. I got to track those guys down.

I ran into Blake. I should call him. How long are we doing? We're going to do some shoutouts. We'll do 15 more minutes. I'll get you the fuck out of here. my main man Matt Bake up there in Bakersfield, BJJ, Vladimir, Ragnar, my man, Daniel Lyons, Pilates Femend, the Book, pearly sweet Lester, Chad Rizzy, Sean Begley, Uki Spooky, and a beautiful son, James Harrison,

Parish, Mikey, Tabitha Stevens, and DJ, motherfucking react. How are you feeling over there, Lee, all right? Yeah, it's good. You're out there staring into the fucking hemisphere. We opened up with 800. That was a lot. I can't believe, like, since I quit Coke, I got married.

Yeah. I had a kid. I'm out of debt. Of course you are. It was... I did the math, Mark, of what I was spending towards the end. It was horrific, Mark. The last four years,

the last four years cost my house. Afterward, the damage was $636 a month for six years. We got to pay. The weird thing is I never craved that shit. Oh, now? Never. Oh, no, no, no, no. But some drugs, like, you know, you still do the weed and shit.

Now, like, I don't do nothing except these fucking nicotine things. Like, occasionally, you know, like, I appreciate weed, you know, and I think about it. But, like, the blow? What a waste. No, no, no. fucking waste. I told if right now I did blow, first off, I would just break the promise that I made to myself. And number two, I think I would die eventually because my life would turn around.

That aura would come back. Oh, yeah, you'd get all sweaty, you go right down the shitter. I would lose my daughter. I would lose my career. I just know I'm one of those guys. There's no going back to that. Yeah, I think you should always remember you lived under a rocket. always remember the rocket i was talking about doing heroin last week and they cut the clip down and i was

looking at myself talking about it and i felt so bad for myself that that was the point in my life i was at but i really thought heroin would cure cocaine addiction for the whole summer i would do a line of coke on mondays but type of what happens to you might marry is you're negotiating with the monster the demon If you have the demon, you're always in some sort of negotiation with it. Jim Carroll wrote that about, you know, about, it was interesting. Jim Carroll, you know, the junkie poet, Min Rock guy. After Cobain died, there's a line in a poem, he wrote a eulogy to, to Kirk Cobain. I don't know, you could probably find it, Jim Carroll, eulogy, Kurt Cobain.

But the line was something like, you know, he should have negotiated with the monkey. And that's all, that's what we're. what it becomes. It's all a negotiation. You just got to figure out what you're going to live with. It's going to come out somewhere. Right?

It's going to come out somewhere. Did you find it? Six fragments? Yeah, probably. Eight fragments? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the monkey line? Is it possible to track it?

It's not that long a poem. But he wrote this. Okay. I'm looking for a monkey. Yeah. I hope I'm not making it up. But, uh... There we go.

What is it? You should have failed. You should have talked. More like, you should have talked more with the monkey. He's always willing to negotiate. The monkey on your fucking back. He should have talked more with the monkey. He's always willing to negotiate with your monkey.

I'm always negotiating with my monkey. Every fucking day. Oh, my God. Every fucking day. That's what you, you know, it's like, you get, you go, you deal with the monkey and then you deal with whatever you think God is, you know what I mean? If you don't think it's God or whatever, once you get past a monkey, you got to realize this is what life.

life is like and I got to live it, you know, not end it. So, Jesus. At what age, you know, they say in A, that you give you a life to, yeah, something. Something like that. You know, I was 29 years old and I go, you know what? Here's the deal. I get up in the morning. I pay my bills.

I like the party. Okay. Yeah. So instead of two eight balls a week from now on, I'll do one. and I stuck to that for years. Well, that's how I felt, too. It's like I'm only doing it Wednesday through Saturday. Yeah.

No, no, I would just go one night deep into the murky water, jerking off, showers. Yeah. You know, jerking off the shower. You take three days to pull back from, like, calling your friend to come over and give you a back rub and you're creepy on the phone with a, you know, I would, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. You call your best friend number three, listen, you got to come over Lendily.

Oh, this is the worst. So, we're jerking off for like four hours. like this, I'm winning. This is like, boy, cocaine's great. Can't call anybody now. I guess I'll just do this for fucking three hours. There was a girl that I took to a party in Boulder one time. I knew her from the restaurant.

We were friends. I knew her parents. But I had heard through the rape vine. Yeah. She was a fucking savage, Mark, man. A savage. But before the party, I got to call. put together packages.

Yeah. And they totaled like two ounces. So I made a ton of money and I made a ton of blow. It's one of those nights where you're walking around like nine grams. You're like, oh, my God. All I needed is to bump into a savage. And I took it to this party and we did a couple bumps. And then we went back to my place and we drank some wine.

I'll never forget going. I went in the bathroom. I still had a big rock. Like I had like a six and a half gram rock. And I remember looking at her and thinking about the rock and going, so you're going to call again? You want me to call a cab for you? And she's like, okay.

And she left. And I did that whole package and jerked off and showers and bottles of booze. I'm like a week later, I go, why did I do that? She was right there. That's how greedy I was. This is 19-19. Greedy, but it's also you had full control of the situation. Who the hell knows what is there is?

Well, let me tell you so. I bumped into that bitch, 99 in Miami, and I set that freak straight check. He made up. Oh my God. She was living like in one of those cities, and she called me like a week before. They're going to be at the Miami Impro. Let me come down and visit you one day.

I'll tell you a story. One time I could come out here. I would come out. That's when I met you. I'd come out for these weeks to do whatever, meetings or whatever and get Coke with, you know, Bob. And one time, like, yeah, I signed up, you know. I don't want to mention names.

It doesn't matter. But I end up with this girl who works at the agency that I'm just about to start with, you know. It was way back. I'm still using this. This was like 20 years ago, 18 years ago. And we end up, I'm doing blow. And she doesn't know I'm doing blow, but, you know, we're out and we're eating and everything.

We end up back her place, and I can't fucking get it up. I'm just coke dick. I can't do nothing. And like, I try. And I try it. I'm, like, embarrassed because, like, you know, I'm just going to be starting at the age. At least I could do is show up for this. But I get, and then get anxious.

And I'm coke dick. And I can't fuck. And I'm like, God, damn it. And we just had to quit. She's just like, yeah, enough. I'm like, God damn it. So I left and I went back to the hotel and I couldn't sleep. And I'm like, God damn it.

I did some more lines. I drank some more. And then I stopped and I waited like four hours. I couldn't sleep at six in the morning. I drove back to her house. Hey, I can do it. I can do it. Like I'll wake her up.

And I get up there and I just fuck her really good. And I'm like, all right? Okay, we good? All right. And then I left now. And then I left now. Thank God. Thank you.

How fucking nuts is that? Like, you know, like six in the morning. I'm like, I'm ready. I'm ready. Give me another shot. And I'm so glad I delivered the goods. She didn't really remember, you know. I was so proud of myself.

It's not as important a memory to hers as it is to me. I was thinking about, you know, I told Lee this story when I first got divorced. When we first separated, I had tons of dough in the bank and I had money and credit cards. Fuck it. I could sit in my apartment and whack off. I had a condo in Boulder. Yeah. Across the street from me, it was a friend that copped where I copped.

She was in there, said the Boulder Memorial Hospital. And I'd go over that two in the morning, and I'd see her with the blue suits on copping to go home. Yeah. And we'd say hello each other. And, you know, one day I said, let me just fucking take a walk over there. So I would get all cooked to get like my dog and walk across the street and walk on the third floor. I was just looking around and I'd see her on the couch by herself. Doing the same thing you were jerking off.

Oh, my God, with like a little friend. rack in the window. She'd be there with pajamas in the robe, and I could see she's trying to watch TV all fucked up. And I would knock on a door, oh, my God, are you up? Oh, me too. Come in.

I go in there. We lay down together. Like, this is from the first time. She's like, sit next to me. Yeah. And then after, like, seven minutes, she'd take my helmet up. She'd suck it.

Yeah. She'd put it back in, and she'd keep watching TV. Like, oh, I'll see them on. And that was it. That was our whole relationship. So, but that was a side story. I knew her brother.

Yeah. Oh, I bump into a brother. He comes to one of the Denver shows. He's all happy. And I was a walking. Recently? Comedy works last year. Oh, yeah?

He goes, hey, I found out about you of my sister. He had a good time. Oh, both of you all fucked up. And I deny it. You know what are you talking? That's crazy. Oh, yeah, she used to suck your dick and fucking stuff. Oh, I'm embarrassed.

But he recently, I got a Christmas card. So he was that mad. What happened to her? she married and she's in Boulder and all right and that was everybody happy ending Mark Murray I want to congratulate you and thank you for coming on this show it was a pleasure Just talk always good to see you always a pleasure now I'm all sweaty I think I got a drip Yeah I think I got a little oh my God I couldn't handle any of that stuff that this lifestyle

This going from we're too old buddy that's another thing we're too fucking old we made it through Too old I think we got a shot to live a long time like gift of it I hope so I hope so. And fucking Johnny Depp. Well, he's negotiating. You know, he doesn't do that shit no more, but he drinks. You know, some of you guys, you get your thing and you just sort of like, I'm okay. I can live okay on this and not hurt myself.

70 years old. Yeah, I interviewed him, and he was pretty loopy, but it was cute, you know. You think people still do blow it that age? I think he'll do it occasionally. Like, I bet you he'll do a bump, but he don't do it regular. I think he just sort of kind of does the, you know, alcohol maintenance, maybe some weed. But I think on a nice occasion, he'd probably do it. line or two. I couldn't even

imagine. Like I said, I have no desire. I lost that aura. People don't offer me no more in towns. I don't want looking for it. Do you miss it? Any part of it? No, I can jerk off for hours without it. If I need to. Do I miss

any part of it? You know what? You know what you miss? Is knowing you're going to get it? That's the weird thing. You know, you know what you miss is that when you do the package, like, that moment where you're like that guy that moment that feeling that like it's going to be okay tonight it's going to be okay it never is it's never a good time but no that excitement of when you hang up the phone i'm coming now

and you're going to get it that take a shit first because you're intestines and thing and you shit everything from Thanksgiving the turkey leg the fucking cranberry that first the first line you know no idea the first line when you like you know you're getting it and then you go over and the guys like I got it and you like you put it out and you're like there or is and you do the first two bumps, I miss that, but everything after that I could live without. I miss the blackout on the drive to the ATM and to go to the dealer's house. I would just black out. I was running red lights at the end. No, I don't miss. I was running red lights at the end, Mark Marron. I would not stop until I got to the Hollywood. What's the Rouse? Rock and Roald

Routes? The ATM there? I would double park right on sunset like I own the strip. And I would go in there, take 60, go right down the block. We're at Western? No, sunset and fucking right there on sunset rock and rober house. Across from the fucking talk, the hotel there. Yeah, yeah. And I would go shoot down the block and that was the original package. If I had extra dough on the way home from the store, I go to Al Campanjure.

And I get the backup package. Yeah, yeah. So the two dealers didn't know. You found something. Nobody knew. I had a couple dealers at the end. And then if I ran out of it, like the one dealer always had really good coke, but the one dealer was mens amort from time to time.

Yeah. So if I went home and that dealer was out, I'd string it out to about a quarter of two because I had a deal that got off work right there. You had a full-time job. Oh, my God, can you believe this? A full-time job. A guy once told me,

if you think of all the energy you put into? Yeah. To do in drugs. Oh, yes. A full fucking... Think of the fucking shit could happen when you don't do drugs. You just... And also, you live in a different pace,

a different life. You enjoy real things. You're not a fucking animal. You're not a freak. Because, you know, when you're in that, you're hanging around with people to do that and you think that that's the life. And then like normal people, or not even normal people, but even just relatively normal people are like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, I had that horrible moment where, like, you know, some chick came to visit me when I was living at Cresthill. You know, I knew from college and we were doing the all night thing.

And, you know, we fucked. And it was crazy devil sex. And like, you know, we're up all night. And she didn't really do that shit. And I, you know, I was sitting there going, like, this amazing, man. No one fucking lives like this. We're fucking living. And like a few weeks later, I get a handwritten letter basically said, you know, no one would want to live like that.

You know, I don't know what you think you do. And it was like, oh, shit. You're off the grid, you know, you're off the grid. You live in an outlaw life, you know. I miss the times. I like my sleep now. I like my peace of mind. Yeah.

The peace of mind is the most important thing that nothing's lurking. I'm not missing nothing. Right. In the last five years, I was just doing it by myself and jerking off and looking out of the window. And now you've got your beautiful kid, you got your cats, you got a wife, you got comedy, you've got friends, you've got a podcast, you're not all sweaty all the time from that anyway. And we're doing a show, we're on a show together. Tomorrow night. No, Wednesday night.

Philippe. 9 o'clock Eastern time, 6 o'clock Pacific, IFC. I think it comes on twice. Yeah. So it comes on twice. But we get it at 6 also. You got to get the special cable. Like you get the subprimalos at 6th and the regular people got it at night.

Right. right, right, the East Coast Feet. East Coast feed, yeah. But yeah, please watch it. Mark gave me a great opportunity. I want to thank you again. I love you, man. I love you, too.

I'm just going to read ads. If you want to scoodle, you can scootle, you want to wait two minutes there? Go ahead. Let me get what you got, Lisa, yet. Thank you again very much.

Thank you for having me. I love it. You're a fucking gentleman and a scholar. As usual, you know me, I love my underwear. For years, I went out without underwear. I was so broke. Now I love underwear.

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Joey, I'm giving you 20% off. All right. I want to thank me on these. Number two, listen, we all love magazines. You know, Mark's got glasses. He likes magazines when you get on a plane. Yeah. We like reading Rolling Stone.

Yeah. But sometimes you look at Rolling Stones and I buy Rolling Stones sometimes for one fucking article. Yeah. And that's it. You look at the pictures of the front. Oh, here's Jonny Collins. Yeah, yeah.

You know, with fucking Bruce Springsteen. Uh, sure. Yeah. That's it. After that, you're like, what the fuck do I get the rest is for to read about Rianan getting tackled. I don't need the sacrifice in my fucking life.

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magazines including back issues and bonus video content. Start binge reading for free. Right now on me, when you go to texia.com slash joey. That's texia.com slash joey. How are you like that, Mark Merri? Good job, Joe. You know, I'm a fucking savage. You know why? Shroon tech from fucking

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The episodes called Philippe Wednesday night, the 8, 6 p.m. California time. 9 p.m. 6 p.m. if you got the eastern feed. That's right. If not, you got to wait until nine like the fucking regular people on, uh, on Silver Lake. I love you guys. Thank you very much for listening tonight. Thank you, Mark.

Thank you, Joe. Thursday, Friday, I'll see you motherfuckers in Omaha, Nebraska. The Funny Bone. What? And two weeks I'll be in Philadelphia and helium, you fucking dirty cock suckers. Get ready. I'm coming to your town. I'll see you Friday night, two shows, Saturday, two shows.

Funny Bone. Omaha, motherfucking Nebraska. sponsored by 10th Planet, motherfucker, Omar. I'll see you cocksuckers there. This show

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Which one? No.