The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #389 - Darren Carter

Episode Date: June 16, 2016

Darren Carter, Comedian whose new album "The Party Continues" is available for pre-order now, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey and download the Free Headspace App and start your Take10 10 day free trial.   Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order. Recorded live on 06/15/16

This show is brought to you by Headspace. Download the free Headspace app now and begin their Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash Joey. That's right. Download the free Headspace app right now and begin their Take 10 program at Headspace.com slash Joey. The show is also brought to you by Datsusara. Go to DSgear.com and check out their extremely high quality functional gear made with hemp textiles. They have bags, geese, rash guards, and more. When you go to DSgear.com, you're going to use co-word Joey to get 5% off of your order

and go to Onit.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like AlphaBrand, New Mood, Shrm Tech Immune, and Shroom Tech Sport. Why not? Why the fuck not? And Lee got the old fucking version off the Stranglehole, the studio out. which is still badass

listen to this fucking thing are you fucking kidding me back in the day before he lost his mind you better show up early in the morning the Ted's house cock suckers damn this is good is this even Ted Nugent it says it is

because it don't even sound like that Derek St. John but who gives the fuck bitches it's Wednesday June 15th The church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. That's all that matters. Strap a fucking pair on, because we're going deep, bitches. Darren Carter's here.

Lee Syatt's here, my favorite fucking Jewish person in the goddamn world. That's a big honor. And that's a fucking tremendous honor. You understand? There's a lot of good... Yeah, there's a lot of great Jews. Great fucking Jews out there, vetting light bulbs and shit. Representing fucking criminals.

Good fucking Jews. I love him. What's up, D.C.? What's up, man? I just had this visual. What if he... because, you know, he's a lot younger than we are. Like, you're like, he just pulls up anything.

He gets like the kid's bot version of something. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're like, what is this? That's not ACDC. It's like, that's children. It's funny, you were talking about something real interesting. Listen, there's two lives you can have as a comic. There's the Darren Carter, Joe Rogan life, or there's the Bobby Mendes life.

Bobby Mendes was the character I played Unmarried. Bobby Mendes is the typical comic that comes out here, gets a deal. He drinks, he smokes, he snorts Coke, he. He blows off gigs. That's who I was becoming. And you get a chance here, you blow it, and then you just live on the road. And you're divorced. You have nothing at home.

And you basically go from town to town, you know, doing drugs and getting chlamydia and just getting sick, getting fatter. Is it fun at all? I can't see it being fun if you go down that street. Okay. There's a lot of comics that have come out here, gave it to Oklahoma best. You know, it didn't work out for them for something. And they go back and they say, then they start the family. and they do all that.

A lot of guys come here and they get jilted. And that leads to, you know, alcohol or whatever the fuck it is, their relationships blow because they're not making the money. You're angry. And then you go on the road and you just live on the fucking road. And you have a car and you put oil in it

and you disappear. You have bad credit and you die on the fucking road and these jerk off say you're a great comic or the bullshit they say. That's not the route I wanted to go. It's really hard that you learn, as a man how high you have to put into a family

like when I was first married my effort into my family was 50% it was minimal now I blow shit off yeah to be with them yeah I look at my schedule and I go you know what that's not necessary that's not necessary that's not necessary that's not necessary that's necessary that's writing

I'm meeting that guy to make money this is the things and that's what happens when you have children you know that that deviate yard box you have and you tape all those movies you get home that night you don't do that no more because that becomes a minute part of your life you know when you're focused on life everything else it's it's it's very hard in today's society to have focus yeah because you have the computer you have facebook you have twitter you have your phone right fucking there you have the tv you have you have you know so no more magazines everything is in your fucking phone not even in the car anymore

and i love trust me i listen to pod i don't i'm never if i'm in the car i'm I'm listening to a podcast. Absolutely. But to be honest, there's all these cars have Wi-Fi now, cars of all these apps. When I was, like, I remember being a kid in the car and. You were bored to death. You hope they crashed the fucking car. At most, my favorite, my mom had a station wagon.

I had that back seat. We've talked about it before. That was better than a movie for a kid. Yeah. I used to be so jealous when I was a teenager. Because when I was a teenager, those screens in the back seats started coming out. And I was like, mother, that would have been great as a kid. but I don't know I remember being in the back seat right you like you try to like get the truckers to like honk their horn or or me and my friends would like be back to pretending that we're smoking cigarettes like and then like the other drivers would be like those kids are putting something in there you know and you know and you're just like paper and you know like I can't remember the last time I was bored you know like because there's so much as an adult there's so much to do and then with with all the technology and stuff there's no downtime of like you know when you're a kid you literally you literally

would like see how far you could kick a can you know on the way home from school or something and i mean kind of going back obviously not the like the bobby mendes type but you spend a lot of time but you both have spent a lot of time on the road road now like then you had to do drive from gig to gig and you'd be talking with people now you're flying you're getting picked up and you go to the hotel it must be a very different experience it must affect the way you do comedy it definitely does it let's In 1999, I thought I was going to be Bobby Mendez. Were you? Like at that's that point.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I should have been headlining, but I was still featuring. Headliners were telling me to knock it off. You've got to slow down. You can't talk to the audience. I mean, it was just ridiculous. And I got off the road, and miraculously, I met my wife.

And the odds changed. I had to pay rent. I had to do all this shit now. And I had to pay it. You know what I'm saying? These are things you got to do. You know, and now I went out and I had to come home with an amount. You follow me?

Yeah. You go out, you've got to come home with an amount. It's not like in the old days, Leo. I mean, I'm not kidding. I would get $700 for nine shows at the improv. Tuesday through Sunday. I would take $100 draw every fucking night. A gram a blow on a bag of wheat.

So there's no money left. There's no money left. I was basically doing a gig for $200. And I would cut corners at every level. I would eat at the club. I'd take food home at night from the club. I'd steal beers from the club. Everything I did was around the fucking club in those days.

And they didn't give a fuck. I can't imagine making $700 a week and spending five of it on Coke. Five of it on going out. You're in a city. Anything. You land in a fucking city. You land in Milwaukee for the first time. Right.

To some people, Milwaukee doesn't seem like a big thing. to me at that time yeah I thought I was in fucking Hollywood okay it's true I don't care what state I was in I was in fucking Hollywood it's on the road yeah yeah you're like I'm being paid to be a comic to be a comic to be a comment on the road I'm on tour you know if you're on the road you know damn it and I don't do it's not our lifestyle but per kreyshe for example Burke Kreischer should be going into every city and sell not from Wednesday to Sunday because if I had that type of alcohol, stamina.

I could go out six nights a week straight and drink with people after the... First thing I do is land in town is go get a fucking $50 steak. That's who the word spreads. That's the gossip con. Okay? That's the gossip con. Do you like cause a scene at the restaurant? No.

You act like a gentleman. You know, it's fucking a causing a scene. No, assholes cause a scene. What's that, Milwaukee? Yeah, you know, some guy comes in and he has a fur. No, no, no. He's going to back sit. The tip is 20, give him 40.

because that 40 is your fucking, listen, you could give him 40 or you could give a fucking a PR director $3,000 a month. And guess whose word's going to spread quicker when you give a waiter of 40? The waiters? Yeah. He's going to tell everybody in that bar that Lees Ayat came in for dinner. This guy's a cool comedian, check him out.

The guy from the longest yard. The guy from fucking the church of what's happening now. You gave him 40 fucking bucks. That 40 bucks is fucking gold because he's telling everybody. You came in tonight. You're a funny guy, but now people are going to go, he took care of my friend. I'm going to go down there and pay the 20 and watch him.

You're going to get eight and nine tickets sold just by fucking him. You're going in and then dropping a 40, going up to the bar, having a beer, dropping another 10 at the fucking bar. That's public relations. And that's what we, I can't do that no more. Right. I can't sit at a bar.

I don't drink. I feel like a fucking asshole drinking a soda with a fucking lemon. And I can't even do that. It tastes like dicta me a soda. You know what I'm saying? Like every once in a sudden. for a Coke. But besides that, if I don't want a Coke, I drink water now. I don't know

why. The people telling me how bad diet soda was, so I just stayed away from it. Right. But it's very hard. 20 years ago? Oh, yeah. If I was doing the podcast 20 years ago, this would be huge, because I'd just be drinking on here every fucking day and snorting Coke on camera and fucking

getting out of here, paranoid, and turning off the camera because the cops were watching me. You know how many fucking people would watch that today? You haven't any fucking ideas? Some fat guy's sweating, doing blow, pay. tail to shirt off I take my shirt off it's out I think you would do coke on the podcast 15 years ago fuck yeah 10 years ago I do doing bumps in the podcast there'd be like two shows the podcast show and then a coke show why not why not at this point guys I'm scared to turn the mics off

I don't know what's outside those doors it's 2007 fucking any day now some guys are going periscope you start doing fucking blow and go the cops and turn it off yeah that guy's gonna get a A million fucking viewers a week. Until he goes to jail. No, he's not going to go to jail because he's going to do the last line on camera. Even if the cops kick the door down, he ain't got no coke. They're going to charge him with the coke. Who gives a fuck?

It's in his body. What are they going to charge him with? Don't find the way to fucking charge him. But still, just do a line of coke. At the end of the night, after you all coked up, the chicks there, she sucked your dick three fucking times. On camera? No, you're a Christian. Oh, okay.

You know what I'm saying? You can't have your girlfriend suck your dick on camera. but they turn on the periscope and she's there foaming from the mouth. You're there with a robe on. You're all creepy and shit. You're like America. Good night, Joey here. And you do that last gagger and shut it off.

Come see me in Milwaukee. And you shut that fucking periscope off. You know what many people are going to come to your show and bring your coat rocks. You're the fucking hero. It's a different thing. You know, it's a different way of life. So we were getting back to the difference between being on the road then and now, between flying and all that.

Well, that's, they interrupted you. Yeah, that, you know, you've had, I remember having that moment, like, I did this college tour. There was three of us in a van, and we would just, for three months, we'd be gone. We'd do a whole semester, and you would drive all over the country, and I went to, you know, I grew up in California, so I was like, like, like you said, you're like, I've never been to, like Pennsylvania, oh, my guy, Pittsburgh, you know, like, Philadelphia, this is crazy, New York City, like, you know, just places I'd never been to before. And, but then I got to the point where I'm like, how am I ever going to have.

have any kind of relationship. And like, and, you know, I only did that for three months at a time. I did it, uh, for a year and a half. You know, we take the summer off and stuff. But you just, and then you picture yourself like getting older and like, thank God, I'm not, you know, I broke away from that. Came to L.A. and, you know, I'm lucky that I have a family, you know, it's like I'm, some guys never get out of that, you know, and so do, it could be so.

I went to a club. I used to work. the Boulder broker as an opener. When I went through my divorce and stuff, what saved me and how I got my comedy chops, the beginning of my comedy chops was at the Boulder Broker. It was a restaurant on Tuesday nights for $15. You got a steak, a baked potato,

and you got to see three comedians. And a guy named David Tribble booked them. Yeah, the Tribble runs. Okay, and in those days, let me tell you something. Felicia came through there, Doug Stanhope came through there. There had to be the phone guy, O'Beeleam came through there. They had to be maybe seven comics that I still see around that I met in that Tribble Run. And I would look at them every night and all of them killed.

You know, all the headliners fucking destroyed the room. But I would look at them, go home and write why I wanted to be like them or why I didn't want to be like that. You know, while you're there waiting to go up, you talk to the comedian, you know, are you married, you're in L.A., blah, blah, blah. And I would take like a survey in my head. And when I became a comic at first, what drew me to it. was the non-responsible lifestyle. You get a P.O. Boxley. You got a room at a fucking hotel for $62 a week.

You buy blow. You drink beer. You write jokes. You go out. You come home at four. You have sex. That was a fantasy for me at that time. And I lived it to like, those Miami weeks used to kill me.

Those Houston, Texas weeks used to kill me. In what way? Because you liked them from what I know, from what I heard. I liked them. but I like them more because of the drugs. Oh, okay. Part of my touring in those days was for drugs. I would do half the year with Rogan,

and I'd be spotless clean. Not really. After the shows, I'd go back to my whole tournament disappear in those days, and he wouldn't even bother me because he, that's why I love him. He knew what I was doing, and he didn't want to know.

And then I would go out by myself where if I was out for five nights, I would get high four of those nights. Until what time in the morning? Five, six. seven by the time you wake up it's five you take a shower you eat something you still hear the electricity in your head your sets a fucking garbage yeah your sets a garbage but because you're in the position that you're in your life by the time the second show starts you got to get a beer in you

the coke would be in my pocket you know I was going through the thing with the wife and being broke and you know and this was my out this was my out brother but then I went to el So for New Year's 2000. And something happened. One of those headliners I met and tripled that everybody said, in fact, he hired me. I opened for a month of Tuesday and then he took me to Fort Collins on Wednesday. He paid me like 75 bucks. But right in front of me, this guy was getting Coke and I was getting Coke.

And by that time I had learned in a way not to do Coke with the headliners. At first, I would say I could get a fee and after that I even stopped. Bad reputation? Just because, you know, it takes your friend. have done in wrong direction. Oh, I see. You want the comic to respect you and you want to respect the comic.

I didn't know that. I learned early on that people, if you sell coked and they look at you like that way. It's like that scene with Lowe. Yeah. And not the breakfast club. What was the other one? St. Elmo's Fire.

When he goes back to the campus and the kid says to him, dog, it's great to have you around. We always get good drugs when you're around. You don't want to be that guy. And I learned my lesson in Denver. I got a few calls sometimes. I tried to be cute.

I'd show up with a half ounce. and then at the end of the night they go, oh, you're a comic. What? Oh, I'm a comic. You follow me? So it just didn't fucking work out. Then I came here and made one mistake

and never did it again. And you're learning your lesson. But back to your original question. I would go to Houston and start getting high on. If my week started on Wednesday then, those weeks started on Wednesday. Okay. I'd be in Houston on Monday night

for the Monday night fucking open my party. That went to a four or five in the morning. And then Tuesday, there was no show and you got sleep and you ate a good dinner and you rested and then Wednesday brother that party in Houston started all over and the same in Miami the same when I go to Opaso O'Passo for me was a fucking you know but I went to O'Passo for New Year's and when I was in O'Passo that comic I told you now this comic I forget what his name is he was very good comic he did the Tonight Show two or three times he was doing one

well out here. Something happened. He lost his wife, you know, the kid, and he just went on the road. And they were still giving him two, three grand, and he would go out every night on the road where he hung himself. And I don't know where... Oh, I think I knew what it is. Yes, he hung himself somewhere.

Drake? No, no, no, no, no, no. This guy was like Brian or Richard, or he was an Irish guy. Oh. And it really dawned on me because at the time, both of you, I could tell you to your face and the listeners, I was going in that direction. Wow.

I was going to be that funny guy that never made it to L.A. And died on the road, Snort and Coke. And at that point, my life, Lee, I can't tell you, I was okay with it. I was okay with it. Even after I had gone to L.A. And I had done some, I had done one commercial and one movie. 99, the beginning of 2000. I was just out of the road.

And there was a point that I was saying, why go back to L.A.? To do what? $15 spots of the economy, you know? At least I could stay out here, co-headland. you know, pick up momentum and then go back in 10 years. People never come back, huh, when they leave? It seems like. Well, listen, sometimes the strategic move is for you to leave

because that's when people think about you and bring you back. A.A. I.E. Bernie Mac. Not Bernie Mac. Who died? Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac moved to Chicago and everything changed. You know, there's some, the chick from the fucking commercials. What's the guyco?

The Allstate. The girl that's been doing commercials She's only for two years. Roe. Yeah. Ro. That girl was packed up and ready to leave L.A. And she got that fucking commercial.

That's a $5 million and two-year deal. She shoots a commercial two times, three times a fucking month. Right now it's just a flat deal. By now it's just a flat deal. Oh, okay. So you, there's two lifestyles you take. Now, for me, the lifestyle that works what I saw early that I never thought I would achieve was what you're doing and what I'm doing now.

But there has to be a balance. Because what happens is, if I took all the work in the world right now, which I can't handle. I'm too old and we have too much going on here, she would leave me within a year. We'd be financially set. You need that connection. At that same time, Sunday through Wednesday, you can't build a family. I don't know who said it, but I've heard it a lot that at a certain point, it's like $70,000. after that money doesn't really matter.

I mean, I don't know if it's $70,000 for you, but at a certain point, is there just enough money now? 20 years ago, there's never enough money. Now my family is so important that I'm going to live on a fucking budget and be around her, be able to walk into school three days a week, be able to take my wife out to coffee in the afternoon,

just the fucking gift that I have to Yeah. My wife not being able to work except doing our paperwork for the podcast and our paperwork for the child, billing people, just there alone. That's the best. My wife's like that. Listen, if you have a child right now and both of you work, later on, something's going to happen. It's because you weren't at the house at 3 o'clock. And we've had this discussion on the podcast before.

Listen, I was raised by a good parent, but there was a little bit too much free. freedom there. So because of that, I have to be a little tougher. Now you know the type of parent. You want to be in a type of family. You want to be involved. If my wife kept that job downtown, we'd been making real fucking money. But, you know, three days a week, she gets stuck in traffic. She'd be half dead by the time she's 48. So you have to look at that. If you have the opportunity, you always have to look at that in life. Because I saw people die. My mom died from the stress, from the bills to, to I got to do this, I got to do that, I got to do it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. Yeah, it's good. Because I get stressed out a lot, so I try to work. You know what?

I'll live a certain way. You know, before I was walking here tonight, and I saw some douchebag with a convertible BMW, playing some fucking, you know, whatever music. And a white dude, you know, only a white dude, but I act like a jerk off like that. And I said to myself, I wonder how much it cost.

to impress people. I know. What does it cost to impress people? Because there's always something new. And I drive a black Subaru. I don't want nobody to see me. I might the green on it. You know?

I'm like the green on it. I've never been impressed with that shit. I know. I've never been impressed when walking into a place with gold chains on. I think that the empty barrels make the most noise.

That's just the Anna Banana, fourth grade. That's what she used to say all the time. I go all the way back to fucking 73 with that one. You want it. Empty barrels make the most noise.

Yeah. I only drive with the music loud when we're on the 134 or the 405 doing 100. And my line to you, we never drive with loud music, just driving down the fucking street. The windows down. Not the street, Laurel Canyon. Yeah, oh, yeah, but we're doing 90. We're cutting off people. I cut some lady off in Burbank today.

You know, even when she was mad and she was trying to chase me, she was still 40 yards away from me. Like she was just the slowest fucking driver in the one. I'm doing 32. I forget if it was a tweet or an email, but I'll never forget. Whatever he did, contact me and said, I just got caught off by Joey Diaz on the one-on-one,

but I don't even care. He beeped at me. And he cut me off. If you're going to fucking hesitate, I jump right in. I'm one of those guys. When you're driving, you got to jump in.

Now, in 1998, I met you. right there and you were here. Yeah, my wife and I were... And you were all, you introduced me to your wife, and I was real impressed with you because of your wife. I thought you were a half of fucking MOOC. He's got to be swinging something if you pull this broad.

She's beautiful, she's smart. Wow, she was very cool. He talked about Howard Stern, which made me standoffish. You know what I'm saying? At that time, I'm like a woman. I didn't know the demographics of anything. This is how long I know you, D.C., so he's 18 years.

Her and I and you had a conversation. Did she smoke cigarettes at the time? No, uh-uh. We were doing something because I wouldn't be outside if I wasn't doing something at least. Coffee? You might have been. No, no, no, no. We were at the improv. We were at the old improv on a Sunday night.

I actually met her there. Sunday night. You guys were happy. I saw you walking down the street and, you know, I had just gotten here, so you want to be the nice guy. And you're like, Joy, this is my girlfriend, a wife. And we're talking about Howard Stern. And don't worry about the language.

And I'm like, wow, Darren did okay. You know, he's half a Christian. And look at that. I know. It's so funny because like... It's fucking hysteria. Back to, I didn't know the style. Joey didn't used to tie his shoes.

And I'd be like, Joe, your shoes untied. And you're like, oh, I got it. You know, and you were just, you didn't care. I was 400 pounds. I was like, oh, I couldn't. Just leave them untied and slip them on. I was on the move. Those things smelled like a goat.

You know, it's funny. Another guy, another guy sits in this chair. And I drop double digits on you. And you look at me like, Jesus Christ, we've been here a long time. This is so people at home understand the struggle. you know last night a waitress hugged me with the glasses at the comedy store the vegan i love it with all my are gent and she goes how's it going i go one struggle and she looked in me like you know she's 26 and she goes does it ever run no you're always fucking pushing ahead every day you're moving

every day you wake up with a fucking short laundry list every day you're waking up with a short laundry list yeah and it's for me it's not it's not to like impress people or like to end this When I think of ending the struggle, I think of being rich. It's not, it's not like I'm trying to impress. For me, I get envious sometimes, and that's something that, like, when I see people with those, like, that's what I want. Like, it's not, it's not that I'm, maybe it is partly impression. There's nothing wrong with wantingly. Listen, when I was in a fucking thing in a prison eating Cheetos, 1130 at night, I wanted a Cuban sandwich.

I thought about it. You know what I'm saying? But there's nothing wrong with wanting, brother. Yeah. The plan is how you're going to get it. That's the plan. we never analyzed that we never really look at. I didn't know.

You just get to write to where you already have it. Yeah. You know, and then you put yourself in a bad position. You know, there's one car I like. Anything that the doors open up upward, that's cooler than shit. You like that? Oh, my goodness. I'm a fat fuck.

I'm going to need a ladder and somebody to help me to get out of the car. Those cars are low. You know, so you pull up, it takes you 18 minutes to get out of the car. That's hot wheels. Remember we were out of kids? There's Lamborghini. you can just add them to any car to add them to the Subaru.

I really don't like them. I'm just saying if I had, if somebody gave me a million dollars and they go, you got to buy a car. I'd buy a Lamborghini, but again, I'd have no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I want to do $1190 in the fucking car. I don't want to do $65 in the 101 to drive.

You know, on Sundays, I'm coming back from the airport and I see these dudes take out their 1952 Chevys. And they're like, that part in 405 north where it's like a 22 miles. or this like this, it's on a grade. That'll fuck you up, dog. That'll fuck you up.

That's two days of walking right there that little fucking grade. You better picture a tent, bitch. I don't picture you parking your Lamborghini in front of a comedy club and like, woo, woo, woo, gunning it. Look at me. Look at me.

I don't, that's not you, man. I don't. You know? I've never, ever, ever appreciated that type of behavior. I never do I want to see myself in the front of a restaurant. I'm an umbrella.

I'm always in the back, you know, Fuck it. You know, I never saw myself. I remember the first time I got invited to a premiere. Okay, guys, I got invited to a premiere and I didn't show up.

Okay. Now I went to the casting crew. That meant more to me. I saw the guys that held the cameras and they were like, dog, we saw the first cut. You were solid. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. First time was Spider-Man, too. Nice. Didn't go to the premiere. Couldn't even dream about it. Just thinking about it gave me fucking anxiety. I could feel my skin moving. They're getting dressed up, the cameras, or part?

Walking in there. Just walking in there because I know deep down inside I don't belong in there. Who the fucking look? Why? You were in the movie? Who gives the fuck? I told Spider-Man, whatever, Captain Ack. But 10 years ago, I would have pulled out a gun and shot Captain Ack.

You know what I'm saying? You think I would have stood there and said whatever the fuck I said. You got to go through me? Yeah, you got to go through him. You got to go through me. I would have never fucking said that. I would have said, take your guns out. This is New York City.

Shoot this fucking metal head. How cool is that going to be when your daughter is old enough to watch Spider-Man and really comprehend? Like, that's my dad. That's awesome. I'm on the fence still. I'm on the fence about showing her. Well, it's not going to be a choice after, like, the age of, like, eight.

Well, I don't think those kids are going to be looking at Spider-Man, too, from 19-th fucking 50. They might, though. That's the first thing she's going to Google. No. I don't think so. I hope not. I'm at a plan right now where I don't want it to know much until, you know, it's like two weeks ago, Johnny Depp was accused of hitting that woman.

I don't know what a name is. I'm not making an accusation tonight, you know, but a day later the daughter stuck up for him. Because I can't imagine when my daughter's 10 after I do all this stuff with her. And she turns on YouTube and hears me telling the story about mugging the hook her. She's gonna look at that computer speaker and go, that's not my dad. Yeah. I can't be my dad.

My dad never mugged the hook around a little wig on fire. And then she's gonna go to the fucking church what's happening now, episode one, the invention of the flying Jew. I think, and that's my uncle Lee. In her mind, she's like, nah, but then she'll put the church on. Yeah.

And then she'll hear Lee, and I'm going on the flying Jew. We're talking about eating his neighbor's asshole and all this shit. And she's like, that's my uncle Lee. Now I'm really fucking heartbroken. They're two savages. I lived in two savages all my life. That's the, you know, that's it.

That's what, but. On any of those kind of jokes with Maya, because I'm not, I don't really go there, but a little bit I do. And sometimes my kid will be like, I don't even know what that means, dad. What does that even mean?

The other day he goes, because I do those, I like my women jokes, you know, the one that he heard, he heard him, he goes, I goes,

what does that mean? Because he goes, I like my women, like I like my women. Like I like my, Luke Skywalker gripping my lightsaber with daddy issues. And he goes, what does that mean?

Why is that funny? I don't know what that means. Hey, I'm like him. I don't know what that means. Oh, my God. Lee, how are you doing over there? I'm good. You want to take another one?

You want to take a right one? No. Right now is good. We got a mushroom stem coming pretty soon. Okay. But I think she'll like it. I think of it. I get, I don't think maybe not eight,

This is not the reason, guys. That's not the reason. What's not? All right, let's pretend something miraculous happens. And I buy a house somewhere around here. Okay. Okay. The closer you get to here, all these kids are kids whose parents do something in the business.

And all these kids are rotten. What do you think that high school in Malibu? Kids are dropping over there from pill use and shit. All those high. high schools where these fucking rich kids go to these movie star kids it's not good way they're i don't want my child to have to go somewhere where again somebody's driving a bmw convertible 16 in high school and now you gotta go home going what the fuck is going on here with these people poor yeah i mean that that's kind of not like movie stars but that's a high school i grew up in

kids are driving in escalates and it's weird but it was Was, like, couldn't you go somewhere in North Hollywood? Because you're not going to send her to private school, or I guess maybe you have to in LA. No. There's a lot of schools that are highly rated in this area. Really, like North Hollywood, whatever, there's a school in North Hollywood where I know the crisis. Oh, okay. So, you're taking around a private school to put it in that high school.

Oh, wow. Because that North Hollywood high is ranked really fucking high across the country. Okay. So there's schools around here. I don't want them in a charter school. No. I don't want no artistic shit. You know, I don't want no fucking pictures when they're 15.

I need, you know, you need no algebra. You need to understand logistics. That's what, you know, when you, the other night, we were making jokes that you don't need the fucking, the thing, you know, the protractor. The protractor and the compass, you never used it again. It was the last time you did a comedy gig and broke out your protactor. But you know what it made you think logically at that age. Yeah. It's like smoking pot without smoking pot.

Well, that's actually a new thing that you're going to have to deal with Joey. Like, how frustrating is it now? Oh, that's all I hear about from parents now is how frustrating it is to have kids in school. Oh, common core math. Yeah. How the math is totally different than what we grew up on. Yeah. Yeah.

And like that's, do you ever, like, that's something you're going to start doing with soon. Listen, I don't even know fractions. I heard a fraction joke two weeks ago, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, fractions. Whatever happened to the fraction? I guess the fraction is still fucking around like cancer. I thought the fraction desepidated. I didn't know

that it's still lurking like fucking it's still lurking the fraction? Amen. The thing about, listen, the thing about fractions

is here's the thing like you bang your head all your life to learn fractions and then when you're 14 you start smoking a pot they come to you just like that

because everything's a fucking fraction an eight, the quarter, three quarters, an ounce, follow me? I'm not trying to be cute here and tell you the truth.

All through your life you struggle with fractions But daddy, how do you convert both of them to the both bottoms have to be equal and all that shit? And one day when you're 14, you smoke a joint, you're going to buy a bag, it all comes to you. And it comes to you quick. A gram, a seven grams is a quarter, whatever the fuck, three and a half is an eight. 14 grams is a half ounce. And everything is an eight, three quarters, a third.

You know? I'm pretty good at fractions. I have no idea with any of that stuff. I never understand it. For whatever reason. What, drug fraction? Yeah, the eighth quarter gram. That's too much.

That's good to know. Now, thank you, Lee. Now, D.C., when did you marry? Got married in 97, man. Okay, when did the baby come? The baby? We waited almost 10 years. Yeah, we just, it was a, you know, it's a big decision.

And, you know, you don't just... So for those first eight years, what was touring like? A lot of colleges, you know. touring and talk I and to this day I've I've spoken to her every day on the phone like every day and there's not a day that's gone by that I haven't talked to her it's like when you were coming back from the road would you take it for a date during the week yeah yeah you come yeah you come back and you know it used to play a lot of like tennis and just you know take long walks because you you really have to have that you know

in a relationship you know you have to otherwise you find you know you can grow apart even if you're like gone if you're in town and you're constantly on your computer or in your phone and ignoring each other, then it's, you know, you got to have that connection. Like you were saying with your wife, it's like you need to have that where you guys go somewhere and you do something like today. We went, it was great, man. Like as a family, we went, you know, to the arcade and we all, my wife and I and the little eight-year-old boy, we went miniature golfing for the first time and it was, it was awesome. We played video games and, you know, just hanging out, eating a little slice of pizza and spending four hours just having a ball,

man it's summertime you got to do something a little different you know let me ask you something with all this shit that's going on that happened sat sat saturday night in Orlando god bless that so what how do you feel about your child your wife i mean you're a little more cautious that you're looking around yeah you know you think about that because it's like the what they said soft target it's like you know you know i'm always been you know you know i carry this flashlight like i'm always like where's the exits what's going on Like, where's my, make sure your car isn't, like, too close to the car in front of you in case you got to make, like, an escape route or something, you know? I'm getting anxiety just thinking about it.

Yeah, yeah, it's sad, you know. Like you said, you know, you put yourself out in those, those popular movies, you know, like, we're going to go to see this popular movie. I'm like, do we have to go, you know, let's pick a, you know, a theater that's not necessary. I mean, it's one of those things you think about, you know. You live in a society now where your child goes on vacation and it gets cobbled by a fucking alligator. a place where whether there's signs, no signs. I mean, who sees signs when you're on fucking vacation? I know.

You don't even think about that. You know, you're walking around a new fucking turf, you know. So, I don't even it's still, yeah. It just, you know, it makes you think that you know, when I walk into school, I pick her up, you know,

it just makes you fucking think that we live in a society where every time you see somebody you got to hug them because you don't know if you're going to fucking see that person again. This is what it's really turned into. It used to be 10% that you'd giggle After you'd fuck with somebody Hey good to see you

You know You had to try 10 drinks with somebody And all so our three of us were getting to the car On the way home you'd say yourself Could that be the last time I see fucking The Flying Jew I did the dime bar A couple weeks ago on Fairfax

And across from Canters And they had the door open Adam Hunter runs that room And there's a you know The room was packed And the door's open And across the street They had a celebration

and so they were lighten off firecrackers, but we didn't know that. And the comic on stage goes, it sounds like there's gunfire out. But then he kept going, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And everybody got out of their seats and bottleneck to look out the door

to see what was happening. And then, oh, it's fireworks, you know. But there was that moment, like when they were all running that way, I was like, There's what we've become. Yeah, you're like, yeah, you know. I would shit my pants, guys.

I'd have a nervous fucking breakdown. I mean, you can't even imagine. like 20 years ago i could take the gunfire and crawl and play fucking rambo and jump through a window i think now we just hyperventilate just to breathing just to hearing that yeah i think i'd PTSD would come back i'd start fucking yelling fucking Vietnamese fucking things yeah and especially with like he was just walking around making sure people were dead that was very scared if he was laughing as he was doing it and being all creepy and it was very scary a couple weeks ago when I came, where did they call?

When I came back from Omaha Sunday, and at 9.20 in the morning, my flight was supposed to land at 9.20. It landed at 918, but it's a short walk to luggage, and guess what? When I got to the luggage, just spitting out, I grabbed it. I walked

20 yards, and there was a guy out there, and he flashed at me, and I go, one, and he goes, the next cab, and the girl got in the cab before me, and as I got in the cab, And I always feel dumb when I tell these stories And I always feel like an asshole

Because I hate when somebody sneaks up on me Yeah I think that I'm always that sharp to hear Two guys walking behind me Lisa, yeah, ready for this I gave the fucking guy the luggage Shook his hand Went he went to block me

I got the door myself And as I closed the door I opened my window And as I was putting the window down Two fucking cops were walking past me, Darren I'm not talking about two cops I'm talking about fucking not with fucking power weapons.

Wow. Wow. And I looked at him and I asked the cab drivers like that today and he goes, traffic. I mean, already at 918 on Sunday at 9.30, let's pretend it was 9.35. There was already heavy duty traffic. But when he pulled out, I looked at Section 4, which is American Airlines. And in there was SWAT. Wow.

So that's a society we're living in it. So when you're fucking getting into the airport now, you're fucking neck hair stick up until you get to your gate and God knows what's going on on your fucking gate and God knows what's going on your fucking flight. I mean, you got to look at it this way. It's like throwing spaghetti up at the wall. The more things you go to eventually get caught in one of them. If you go to a lot of concerts, if you go to a lot of the UFCs, if you go to a lot of this or that,

who knows what's. And it's not even what's going on. It's the people that we have here that just go off the radar, you know. The guy was, yeah. It comes out that his wife. like they would drive and scope out this gay club together and then she went with them to get the you know the holster it's it's just fucking knows yeah it's fucked up because like even the night before in florida a white dude killed i know at the merch table right so and i have a

fucked up history with this we you know we all know i spent my time in israel and when i came back you it's weird how like the media and the people around you really influence how you feel I was a little bit A little bit more racist I guess towards Arab people like in my head But I really feel like this Like when we look back

It's gonna be really bad The shit we're doing the Muslim people Like obviously ISIS is terrible But the majority of them aren't And I But it's to a point now Where it's always think about that If like you're on a flight

And two Muslim looking guys Can walk on You're not gonna not think about it Like it's just, it's weird. That's another thing. You're right. The whole thing is because, and then some people wanted to complain, but then they were like, oh, I want to be like, you know, not PC.

Like, I don't know. Yeah. And then that's what they're saying with the St. Bernadino, that people were saying that, but they didn't want to be not PC. So it's like what? What do you, it's a weird world, we're supposed to do. I know. Because if you don't want to.

Yeah. That's weird. Last night, there was a moment. Lee and I went to a place I had a spot at the store, which I died of slow death last night. It was tremendous. And I didn't feel back. No, you did. You did. But you know when I wasn't prepared? I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what

temperature the room was. You know, two days ago there was a national disaster. Oh, yeah. You don't want to go up there. I've seen comics go up there and walk the room, half rooms. It's not worth it. At this point in my life, I don't want no war with nobody. Let me go up there and keep it. And Rogan was

sitting there and I'm like, and the guy Eric Giffran, who was killing last night was borderline gay jokes positive way and all of some night goes it too quick to talk about gays and broggers like fuck no go up there and i open up with a gay joke that dies something else that dies something else that dies i threw fucking eight fastballs nothing you know and it's it's you come home and you giggle about it and you feel bad i woke up this morning i'm talking to my age and he says listen man i was at the store last night goes i just missed you he goes i was there uh last night i was a dead fucking audience he goes even jake oakison

was like what the fuck is up with them tonight so thank god that justified my love a little bit like i wasn't that bad of jay and a bunch of other comics didn't do well so you know it's funny i saw you let work uh last week i think it was and you know it it's great to watch other comics that get it you know like i was in there's two rooms at that club and one room the guys probably even done the same stuff forever, like by the book, you know, A through Z. And then I saw you, and it was so good because it's like you're taking chances, risks. You're talking about things that, you know, look, you know what I mean? It looks like, okay, here's my six things I want to talk about, voting.

I saw some guy wearing colored socks. And you go off and all right. You know what colored socks. What if you cut yourself and gets into your bloodstream? Come on, people. I've got to explain everything. And it's like, it was so nice to see that. And then you're like, oh, let me hit this other thing about cooking or whatever the time.

You know what I mean? It was nice. It wasn't just like, you know what I mean? Like, like, that's, I love it when comedy is like that. Listen, Judy Carter's book, again, if you're thinking about getting to stand-up comedy, Judy Carter's book is a must, the first one, because she has a list in there that says, talk about what fucking really aggravates you. Yeah. What really fucking aggravates you, the problem with people is we talk about what aggravates us minorly.

We really don't want to get into the nuts and bolts because it gets a little. tricky in there but some people know how to pull it out and walk on a thin line on it that's me i want to pull it out let you know i got this problem but let's walk on a thin line a little bit let's not go either way i got to keep you in the thin line oh man that's a weird way of thinking lisa at because that's what the comedy really is it's deep in that fucking hatred and that pain why do you hate that shit. That dude that you see in the fucking you ever see like police movies

and the guys in the chair and they're asking them questions, you killed them. You killed him. And also he sits quiet for like two seconds. Then he goes, I did it because I hated my father. He raped me and he sold me to a bunch of gypsies for $30. Right there, if that dude would have wrote that eight

minutes into comedy. Yeah. He would have got on HBO's back. But who knows? off the bat it's that's the way you're hiding all those years you think I would tell a fucking story about mugging a hooker and light a wig on fire that was so tucked away in my soul you know that that thing with the fucking uh all those stories dog I tucked those things away 15 years ago I thought I never needed them again boy do you need those things to define who the fuck you are you really need those moments and go wow I learned that from that experience

whether it was a negative, a positive experience. You got something out of that fucking experience. If my friend, my friend one night went to hit somebody with a guy, he took St. Lazarus Kane at my party. My mom was on vacation in Florida, and I had a party, and he took this. I still think about that every night.

There was three or four dudes that would have killed us, not with guns, but hand-to-hand combat. They would have beat us up to death. This Chris Donovan kid took this thing and looked at him and said, She's not here, but if you make one more move, I'll bust your fucking head with this thing. That kid was pissing his pants.

But he picked that thing up, and he took a chance. Wow. It was my mother's thing. My mother would have killed me. But you know what? From that day, I learned something. I don't care what's in front of you stick up for yourself.

And you really believe it from your heart. That's why if you go up to and tell a joke, even if it's all fucking color, if your conviction is real, oh my God. They think they're right. it's when you see somebody go up there and go on with a fake rant lees i had seen it yeah i go lee what do you think uh it looks a little rehearsed boom if we picked that off you know uh what do you follow me

i see it all the time i see when somebody already rehearsed that rant it just came to him that was none i talked about prince and the kale oh i didn't hear that that's what i ended with that because i was up there and i said you see prince he died from those fucking felonels Fettonomes, whatever. And people were like, ooh. And I go, what are they, come on, guys. What do you think Prince was at home doing?

Oh, that's right. Drinking kale chakes. And I just fucking, you know, it was from my soul. It's the truth. Are you fucking retard? What do you think he was doing it at the Pink Gracie?

Foked out. What do you, Paisley Park? What do you think he was doing that? Doing jumping jacks. There's bodies under that fucking building. There's women who have orgasm that he put ticklers in their asshole and fucked them to death and play the guitar

and drowned them with his nuts suck. You know. Are you fucking kidding me? I love the part when you're saying, you go, I don't, you ladies need to learn how to suck dick. I got this ugly uncle or whatever, my cousin.

I don't want to see an ugly guy suck dick. You ladies are home eating a bowl of ice cream, feeling sorry for yourself watching Netflix. It's nice to eat four stars. It's nice to eat four stars. It's nice to eat four stars. It's great. I'm looking at Lee

and Lee's doing, let me tell you some guys at home, if you listen to this, if you're a fan of league, I'll tell you what, he's at a point right now where it's all coming together. He sees the effort, he's putting in, you know, what he's doing, and now he's like, oh,

you know what, I get it now. If I'm getting up three days a week to see this fucking lunatic Irish guy at 5, at 9 o'clock, and I don't get out of that until 940. And here's the day. kicker Joey that we do all this shit and it's a great workout then at the end he makes this do 200 swings and 10 minutes I know Lee guys I saw Lee's face after the first two times a kettlebell

I thought he was going to die and trust me I was sitting next to him thought I was going to die Lee's doing all this shit so finally one day you go you know what you know what at first anybody who exercises and sticks to a plan and really serious about it at some One point goes, well, what an ice cream do to me? And you look at the scale and you didn't gain any way. And then you go, what an ice cream doing to me two nights a week? You know what I'm saying? And then you go, an ice cream is three nights.

Next thing you know, you look at the scale and you're nine pounds heavier. And your input is still the same. Yeah. You're even doing 40 minutes a day on the fucking lytical, but you're slipping at different places. And you go, that's it. I don't need this. And you start tightening up at two weeks you get on the scale. You lost the weight, your gain plus four pounds.

You go, that's it. That's the formula now. I'm going to do three kettlebells a week. I'm going to do this. This is what I need to eat. I'm going to make grilled chicken and hummus and stink like a fucking, you know, like a messenger of debt. I tell him every time I make hummus bowls just to piss him off.

Oh, I got to hang up. I hang up when I say a prayer for him. Every fucking time he tells me he hummus because again, I love hummus. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's fucked up. You hate it? He hates it? Oh, yeah, he hates it.

The first mistake. I love it with ranch dressing. Just kidding. Oh, Jesus. The first mistake I made was getting off of. of my fitness pill. That's a mistake. They email me tonight before I came here.

Tell me you logged on for the last 190 days. If you don't log on, you're going to fuck in. And I went and logged on and did my menu. I was very proud of that streak and I'm fucked up. So I need to get back on that. But yeah, that's exactly what you said happened. I just, and I saw it happening because I've lost the weight like seven times. I should be skinny by now.

So this is what happens, okay? Because I live it with you. Yeah. So in your mind, this is like I used to treat cocaine. Okay, listen, I love cocaine I love cocaine I love going out and getting evil and growing on the floor And some of these monkeys

I love all this shit This is my passion, right? I can't do it seven nights a week But let's say I do it three Nobody needs to know nothing Right now. Obviously two nights a week You and I get together and eat stars of death

Correct And then there's one night you do them with Paula And those nights you get up in two and go to the yum yum donuts. And there's always a by the way there. When you guys go out, you go somewhere goofy and eat one of those cookies with ice cream in the middle, which tastes like ass,

and any way you put it, you know. It's so funny how they re-sell a product that's been around since I was a kid. And when I was a kid, it was fucking an ice cream and two cookies. Yeah. Now they go scudoodles. And these suckers are like, I'm going over there.

They get scudoodles. They've been around for 2,000. fucking ears. How do you think I put out my first 10 pounds by eating fucking peanut butter? No, scoodoodoodle. I just would get it. My problem was just because I'd be pretty good during the day. So that's the thing.

I do four nights. I'd know for a fact tonight, four and a half stars, I'm going to go home something going down. What goes down, I don't know. If there's an apricot or a peach, or there might be a couple apples, they belong to the baby, but who the fuck knows? I can borrow one of them. I'll drink water for a little while. there's mixed nuts, I'll take the almonds up.

That's the high road. You're going the high road. That's great. Can you do that? That's not bad. After 1140, I started looking for the peanut butter. Yeah. And now it's the real test because there's always two gallons in the fucking backup in

Kess is an earthquake. I got peanut butter until next fucking Tuesday. I can't do that. What? Anytime I get peanut butter, I eat the whole thing within like a week. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Listen, but I'd rather do that than eat a steak and fries at two in the morning with a little shit. I think a steak and fries might be better.

So you got to cut a deal with yourself, dog. So you eat the fucking two spoonfuls of fucking peanut butter. You watch an old episode, whatever episode of the Honeymoons came on Monday. When you go to sleep, that's it. I've actually eaten peanut butter and crackers and watch workout videos on YouTube. Because I'm like, I'm going to do this tomorrow's the gym. When you're on the fucking road and you go back to a hotel, unless it's four seasons. You know what you got?

You got a vending machine. I can read you the vending machine from fucking men. memory right now. Do you know your favorite letter number combinations? R2. It's the ranch dressing nacho fucking corn nuts. You don't eat those?

No, that's what I'm saying. This isn't imagination. Lee, I'm just saying that's what's in there. It's not the fucking ranch. It's the other ones. What's the nacho cheese chips? Oh, Doritos. Doritos. Doritos. Nachos Cool ranch. Dorito, cool ranches. Wise potato chips. Wise barbecue. Fucking peanuts. Mix nuts.

the spring vegetable nuts, the four crackers with that fucking cancer cheese with the little spoon in the middle. How many people have gotten cancer from those fucking crackers? The four crackers with the thing. And I'm going delicious. I used to love those.

Everybody's love those things. That's how they first injected in you to those fucking crackers. And they either grows or your immune system blows it up. Think of that cheese. That's not fucking cheese. Remember when you just get it to eat the cheese and throw the crackers away?

That's when you know you were fat fuck. Yeah, with the little red spoon. You saved the red spoon for it. Like someday, I'm going to do something with these spoons. I don't know if they had them when you were. I don't know if they had them when you guys were kids, but dungaroos, they're like cookies and they can dip them on icing. Oh my gosh. This sounds good.

It's like the same thing. It's like the crackers and the cheese, but cookies. I used to make cakes and not bake them. You understand me? I would just eat the fucking. Oh, the frosting and the mix. Everything, everything. And I just tell them.

One time I threw the reef a mix in there, ate it all the bowl. I slept for three and a half days, you know. I had a diet, a better fit combination, fucking everything. He said were there raw eggs in there? Oh, yeah. Who gives a fuck? It's like Rocky ate. Yeah, exactly.

Who gives a fuck? How do you think they ate eggs to them? They always cook you eat and they always fried those fucking things. People used to drink them like, like, just eat them like a clan. That's crazy. It would take like an hour, doesn't it? What? To bake a cake?

It'd be way better. No, but you know what? You're hungry, though. You don't have that hour. It's right here. It's right now. That's why I like the peanut butter, you know? My life.

Well, your shit's like, I could lie to everybody and tell you, I was a mess when I moved into my wife's house. It took about four years for me to come out of this fog. And one day I looked at it, I'm like, what am I doing? I'm giving all my effort to this, this, this, and this. And where am I going? I got to be giving effort to my house. And something clicked into me. me.

And then it just became tighter and tighter, and she became a piece of me, and she understood me, and I understood her. And it really balanced out the comedy. It took a little focus off my comedy, but I kind of needed that at that time while it would become insane. There's a point that you have to push yourself away from the business. I had already gotten a movie or two. I had already done comedy at the comedy store for fucking six or seven years.

You know, if something was going to happen, it would have happened. What the fuck am I doing with my life? Let me go, this girl digs me. Let me put effort into this woman. And then we ended up getting married and whatever. Now we have the child. Whatever. And now I found the balance.

I never thought they could beat. Listen, guys, I lied to a lot of fucking young kids. I lied to a lot of young kids 10 years ago because I told them that you can't be a good comic if you're married with a child. And boy, did I give bad advice to a lot of people? Because I know the commitment level it needs to come out here and really push fucking through. It's tough enough that you started as an open micro in your town. And then you started them saying.

And then somebody liked you and took you on the road. And you came back and featured for a year and a half. Then Montreal told you to go fuck yourself. But this club in San Diego, the owner likes you and he thinks he wants to manage you. So you move out. And now you're in the fucking game. Now you're in the game. That six years you just did, that was basic training, bitch.

This is where people crack. Once they jump into the game, they look at this place, and they know after a week if they're going to fail. I know a thousand stars. That could have been stars and could have, you know, and we've had this conversation a thousand times. But it's so weird how you evolve once you have the family. Once you have somebody at home.

Like, it really changed from me in 2000. five and it just got better and better and better because I found the balance. And like I always say, I know how it takes to lose a family. I did that. So from that, I learned how to not lose a family. And there's a different level of commitment. Even if you're just sitting there, for a year, you think you want me to lie to you people? For the first year, that Mercy was born, I would sit there and my fucking skin would grow.

Because in my heart, I could have been doing a thousand, five. fucking things to help this house. But you know what? I learned that the best thing I could do to help this house is to sit there with it and watch bubble gullies. Mm-hmm. And watch fucking, you know, all those other shows. And I respect this shit out of you, guys like Josh Wolf, guys like fucking Burt Kreischer, guys like Tom Pampa. Yeah.

These guys have fucking, Gaffiracan's got four fucking kids. I know. And you got to go out every night and bang it out with savages and right material. And fucking, you know, that's tough. Rogan, that's tough. I see Rogan's flight fucking schedule. If he's not doing comedy, he's doing USC. That's four or five fucking weekends a month.

You know, tough that is on your family if you're not connected. Because I know dudes who come home on Monday, morning. Guess what they do for two days? They sleep. I don't want to be like that. That's not what I wanted to be at all. I don't know. Especially if you're leaving the next, you're like, yeah, who fucking sleeps? I don't have time to sleep. I need sunshine. It's hard. Like today I had four hours of sleep and I'm like, all right, let me just push through this and do this. And it's, and I'm glad because that's what you want to do. You know, the family time, creating those memories and just, you know, enjoying each other's company. And it's like,

you know, and I got to say, um, not only do I know you, you, you know, and I'm a listener of this podcast. And it's funny for like the listeners. Like, you know, I also am a fan. Like there's not that many podcasts I listen to. I mean, you know, but this is my main, one of my main podcast. I love this podcast. And we had a family, you know, tragedy back in December.

My mother-in-law passed away. And, you know, I mean, that's a shocking thing when something like that happens. It was out of left field and you don't want to believe it. And it's, you know, and then my wife had to take my son and go up north and take care of business and, you know, just try to make some sense out of it. And I had a couple hours by myself. And it's like, I was like, let me just go for a walk. I just got to go for a walk and just kind of deal with like what just happened. And it's, and you just for some reason, I brought my iPod and for comfort, I put on the church of what's happening now.

And man, it's not to be a psycho, but like, I actually was like, you know, it was great to like just have that comforting talk. And I actually was, you know, I'm crying. I'm looking like a, you know, like listening to this podcast. And there was this one part where you said something like, every day I get out of bed and I'm, you know, I'm above ground. I thank my lucky stars and I love my daughter. And it just, it wasn't just like meaningless words. Like it really meant something to me right there. And man, that was the best thing to hear and to have that common, that bond that we, you know, we have as, is, as entertainer and as people.

And I remember, like, sending you a message, like, right away. And you got back to me, like, you know, right away. And it was just, it felt so good just to have that, man, you know. Because at that time, I didn't even know if I could even talk to anybody or tell anybody what would happen, you know. Like, I was like, let me just have a couple hours just, you know, by myself and get out there and walk. When people talk to me about the podcast For the last three years It's very hard for me to digest

The things they say to me Because this is just too fucking Crazy motherfuckers Talking shit People say things to me And I get many anxiety attacks I really do I'm like look at this fucking moron

He listens to us And he's gotten something out of the show Would you learn Would you learn on a roller joint You're fucking idiot And then I started thinking I started thinking about being young And the things I depend on

And little by the other little do I started getting it. You know, in those days and I was fucked up, listen, happiness to me in those days was putting on a Black Sabbath down, as sad as that sound, and listening to that fucking stuff

that gives Lee anxiety. That's 16, you know. Those words, I found some warmth in those fucking words. You know, so I understand that it's Lee or the connection or maybe we take you somewhere of the vulnerability that we show sometimes

because that's it. You know, I didn't want to do this to just be a fucking announcer. Yeah. I wanted to do this to have a voice every week, but also it's tough. People, when you're down, it's tough to look at people and go, wow, you know, he did this or this or this or this. It's tough for a person to imagine that they can do that. And that's what I want people to know with this show. I always have different type of people on this show.

But they all have the same thing. They stuck to something. Yeah. That's really nice to... You and I have been talking about freedom the last seven years. Freedom has been big because we came here when there was no freedom. What do I mean by no freedom to the people at home? No freedom was Darren Carter would come to me and say,

Doug, you're an orphan, yeah, listen, I want to write a pilot about an orphan. Okay? And about two orphans and a fucking orphanage who run a gambling casino, whatever the fuck. Well, I'm just making an hypothesis, whatever. I'm just making it. I don't even know if that's a word, right, word hypothesis. Hypothetical, hypothetical. Yeah, but it sounded correct for the situation.

Fractions. Okay, so now fractions, the whole fucking deal. So now, next thing you know, we write this out. We take it to your manager. I'm a bum. I don't have a manager. You take it to your manager. Your manager loves it.

He has a writer who contacts HBO and blah, blah, blah. We take it everywhere. They love Darren. They love Joey. They love Lisa. But guess what? Nobody wants to buy it. And it's done.

Well, guess what? That's it. Darren goes home. He looks like a mook. He told his wife he was buying her house on the top of the mountain in Glendale. Now he's got to give rougots. They've got to stay in that little shack in fucking Laguna Beach,

share a car and, you know. But not anymore. Darren could get a different writer, repackage it, and take it to Netflix. And Netflix don't want to you. You can take it to Hulu. And if Hulu and want to you take it to Few's. And if you don't want it, you can take a shit to Showtime.

And if Showtime don't want it, and eventually you have more avenues. And guess what? And if Darren really, really believes in it, he could do a Kickstarter with a fucking real CBS producer and tried to sell it to CBS, which never happens, of course. But you spend the fucking 80,000 and you shot a pile on its your accomplishment, you put 20,000 into it, but Hollywood didn't like your idea. That's the options we have now. So for years, you and I have been speaking about CDs.

And we've been talking about how Lee and I, one night, took a fucking thing, took it down to Bray. A rented one. A rented one. And next thing, you know, we got a fucking CD that's number one in Canada or whatever. Lee and I couldn't figure it out. So we did it again. 18 months later, that wasn't as good as the first one. It did well.

And then we waited two years and we did it again. and that one was sensational and our friend taped it for us the whole thing but here's the beauty of it that for years nobody liked me nobody knew I existed I just put them on iTunes and guess what I get a revenue on it

and I don't get a great percentage if anybody deals at iTunes oh put your music on iTunes and see what you get out of it cuck suckers and they take a percentage out they bang you out on the side they bang you out in the fucking head by the end

Get that piece of paper. Get up, no, please don't touch a drawing. You get a piece of paper and all the fucking ouch. It's in that one Ralph Crandom scene with Norton. He rips it down and he has one piece of paper. He puts it on his forehead. Same fucking thing. They take you down.

But at least you have that freedom to do that. Yeah. When you and I got here in 2003, you fucking sound four records and Johnny's record shaft. And Boo Boo Boo LaBoo didn't sign you. You put out a fucking CD. Remember that? Yeah. Man, I show you.

case for uproar or whatever the fuck they are. They didn't like me and shit. And then fucking the dude from Vietnam came to you and then he goes, you want to shoot or say anything? I might give you $33 a minute. You tape up at the ice house. I know. And the next thing you know, people calling you from truck stops.

Man, I saw your CD and fucking Salta Sanarillo. No, I heard that, you know, this is what I heard. You know, Jeff Foxworthy, that you might be a redneck that it was in all these truck stops. And I heard that one of those tapes, he only got $400 for the whole thing. And come on, that's one of it. He's the, you might be a redneck guy. And that was in the 80s. And that's what he got.

And then these other record companies back in the day, like, oh, I got a record company. But then the comics start, you know, they're like, I never got really paid for it. And I have to pay like, you know, six bucks. I got to buy my own copies for like a six bucks a piece. And I'm like, man. Guys, you have no idea. Yeah. You know, when you hear about the music industry and you hear about Black Sabbath who had bad deals.

and management who stole money. I remember one time, these guys came to me. And we showcased at the ice house, and they loved everything. And then we showed up, and we signed all this paperwork for the armed forces. Remember that? What was the name of that? And we all shot, and they gave us $15,000 flat. What was that one?

And they gave us a thing and an address, and they were going to sell $150,000 units. And that went through. We were going to get an additional $10,000. I waited for about 12 months, and then I got the longest yard, maybe even longer, two or three years. Then I got the longest yard. And I fucking, the attorney I hired, I got him on it. And he was like, this is the craziest thing. The paperwork exists, but these people are ghost.

But he goes, guess what I find out? He goes, they didn't sell 150,000 units to the armed forces. They stole 400,000 to the armed forces. Wow. And for years, I bump into soldiers when they go, hey, I bought you. your tape over in Iraq. You, Jeff Garcia, it was like six guys. I remember who was on the fucking thing.

I made fun of an Asian girl. I told her to suck my dick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Horific. Kayle, not... Kim Lopez? No, no, no, no. I think I saw it at the drugstore about eight years ago.

Oh, please. It was at Walmart one time in Clark, Kentucky. I saw it in fucking Walmart. Two thousand-something. I had a heart attack. They're still getting fucking top price for it, 799 and they had this corporation that turned to another corporation that turned over another corporation I got so fucking mad I'll tell you how mad I got and what the cocaine did to me

Darren Carter I threatened to sue the guy from the ice house because he cut the deal there he's got to have our fucking back you know what I'm saying if I say you're going to have a pound of wheat it's the same fucking reason so I got really pissed but then I got over it life moved on and I grew the fuck up yeah sometimes you got to grow the fuck up people Well, that's it and get your life together. Let me read some shoutouts here. I know you got a spot somewhere. Where we're at?

We're head over to flappers and work on that next CD. Look at you. I want to give a shout out to my main man, Hugh Fitzgerald, Bob Lillengis in Chicago. My girl, Ookie Spooky, aka T. Winkler, Keith, Arizona, Greg and Lynn up there in Seattle, Jared Moss, Mike Davis, Grimm, motherfucking dog. You know what I'm saying? And my main man, Christopher, showed me his pug today, whatever. David, Christensen, nice fucking dude.

I love that motherfucker with all my heart. It's Wednesday night already. Jesus, fucking Christ. It's June 2016. Can you believe that? It's June 2016. But it's June 15. It was just June fucking four, three days ago.

Or at least that's what it feels like. It feels that time is moving. Quit, Jack. This guy told me an analogy about that Because I had a birthday And he goes He goes life is like a toilet paper roll At first there's a lot of toilet paper

But then as you get older And it spins around Faster and faster And then there's like less And then you're out of toilet paper Was it like the janitor? I'll tell you what No, is this a guy that I do?

I think that's not doing no more edible Until the surgery Why not? I think I'm going cold turkey Just smoking? Yeah. I'm starting to get anxiety about the surgery without the edibles. I can't imagine me going home or to a hotel one night sitting there and thinking about fucking knee surgery?

No surgery. Do you have a way to stop that? Because sometimes I'm getting anxiety too. Yeah, I got a way to stop that. Stop eating edibles. And the fucking whole potua goes away because I'm telling me, when I eat edibles late, it's not good when I go home. I got like a late heartbeat in the middle of the night. A late herpes.

What do you call those things? Friulations and shit. I remember or something? Yeah, like something. It plays the drums and I got to get up and walk around and wake my wife and watch me for two minutes. I got to drink some water and turn on the TV and breathe. And then everything's all right. But it's that fucking edible.

I know it is. It's not just my heart or something playing tricks. I got a tank in there. You guys are looking good, though, man. This exercise is really, it's working. It's like you said, you go up and down stuff. I joined a boxing gym. last September and there's something about going to a place and sweating hard.

You feel incredible, man. Like stuff I never used to do before. I used to just take like mild walks and pull-ups here and there. But when you're jumping rope and you're like hitting a bag, it's like the best. You know, that will get rid of anxiety. My underwear was sweaty today. Yeah. I've never had that before.

It's kind of cool, hon. Do you like the shirt, do you ever see, look at your whole shirt. Your whole shirt is just soaked. Yeah, the shirt's always trench. but the underwear that I was like, whoa. I'm doing something. That's what happens. I heard years ago sweating was good for you.

I heard, you know, 30,000 fucking years ago when I was a kid that that's, as you get older, it's the most important thing to sweat. There's days where you take a day off, the next day you're fucking, it's like the next day you work out. If you don't sweat, you could smell what you ate two days ago. Like, man, I can smell carrots. It's weird with you. If I ever don't work out the day after, and. I'll be high pretty much the next day. If I have to force yourself to work out,

otherwise it stays in your system. Oh, yeah. Now, and now you know how to get it out. Now you know that one hour in the elliptical and some kettlebells, and everything is out from the night before. There's salt in that. Lizard you eat. The fucking, the cotton shit you wanted to talk about that you were talking about last night,

which is just disgusting. I wanted to get him marshmallow fluff. This guy's fucking eating. I don't want no marshmallow. Because it's, it's, it's rolling in your toes and sniff it, you fuck. I don't go to my house. I don't have it in my house. I'm just saying.

I'm just saying mercy should have a fluff or another. What about cotton candy? Do you like that? No. That's always been, your fingers get dirty and shit. All that effort. They walk around with sticky fingers. And even if you're rubbing with cotton, now they attract stuff.

Flies are flying into your finger like Spider-Man. You get home, you have glass and rocks and it's fucking disgust. I hate all that shit I never fell for that stuff When I went to a carnival And the East Coast You buy those fucking Zepalis With the sugar on them

That's my favorite You get a nice fucking You know, whatever Have you tried the donut cheeseburger? Not in a million years, dog I don't know what Have you tried it? No, I can't bring something to do it

Me and Paul are thinking about it We went to the fair And we went to the fair And we went to Yelp and we saw it And they got good reviews And I don't know We thought about it then we walked away and the whole way on the fine,

we talked to ourselves we said to stop and get the fuck out of here. I knew you were thinking about it. I love that impression of you. Oh, please. Every fucking Monday I get these. The real reason I couldn't do it is the only size they had was the triple one. Sure, that's you. That's you.

No way. I just wanted one. Just one bite of what it tastes like. Yeah. You and Paula could have just put it in between years and met in the middle? I like that. Getty for that movie? You guys don't know.

That's delicious. I can actually see them doing it and bumping into each other and one bite in the other tongue. And Lee crying and shit. I don't know what I did. I love you. And she's like, I got to do my daddy. What I'm going to do? Fucking Lee.

Tough of the nails, ladies and gentlemen. Cattle bell in it, eight, nine hundred milligrams a night. I got them in basic fucking training. You understand me. Most people doing 10 milligrams down on 911, stabbing their wife jumping off a building. Not least I had. I got them in the office fucking banging it out like a fucking soldier.

The fuck Lee. So Darren Carter, you finally took the chance. This is what number CD? My fourth album. In how many years? That's the thing. The first 10 years, you're like, you don't even think you had to have a record.

deal. So my first one came out in 2000. Even back then, you're like, I remember we did some one-nighter gig back from the early 2000. You go, I'm proud of you deserve a CD. A lot of these guys, they've never, because at that time I did the Tonight Show. And you go, they've been doing comedy for six months. And they're like, I'm going to try to record it. You know, so.

I was petrified, Darren Carter. You were petrified? I was respected guys like, listen. Yeah. For some reason, I get into comedy. And your first big goal, besides getting a TV show or winning the Johnny Walker Red

national competition or there was a search competition and also with Doritos Lee I'm dropping knowledge on these motherfuckers they don't remember So when you were living in Michigan And you sat there and I jerked on I'm like, oh I want

I want that blonde in Hollywood But what's going to elevate me there What's going to elevate you there is You had options I'm talking about this These were your goals in the 80s To be on a TV show or 90s.

I'm saying. Be on a TV show and pop or a movie and pop. You know, it's tough to get cast when you live in fucking Utah for a big movie. I'm just using a state besides California. No offense to anybody. Or you have a sitcom of yourself or a big time album.

Like a big time out. Like people, you went to people's houses and every, every, every 10 hours as you went to the drink beer four people had that album and everybody said put it on yeah you know and then you

then about six months later you get home stoned and you'd be going to your TV and also there would be comedy from Las Vegas and you see that guy yeah and you go oh shit I'm staying up but when you saw him there was another guy that was even funnier than it

and now you became his fan too you know But that was the highlight, that albumly. When I bought an album, I walked home with an album, and it was a fucking album. So I start comedy, never in my mind. What I consider doing an album? Never.

I get to the comedy store. Never consider it. It wasn't even in my fucking, I would see guys that got albums, and I would go, hmm, that motherfucker's doing a good job. And then something happened. The word got out that you could sell merch on the road. Okay, and that's fine.

Every man for himself, I don't put nothing down. And next thing you know, everybody's selling merch. At that time, the first merch was really CDs. This is around 98. People started selling CDs. I got it. And at that point, Schima was selling CDs. Yeah.

Bobcat Goldway, Margaret Cho, not Nick DePaolo, but guys like, there was a handful of guys, Carlos Monsier, and then it kicked up a level again. And now something happened. The B-Room comics started doing CDs, and guess what happened?

They made a shitload of cash from 98 to 2000, then people caught on. And all of a sudden you started going to shows, and kids that would have been doing comedy for three years ago, hey, Dan, Carlis, here. Here's my Cs. And you're like, yeah, I don't even know coming in like three years. And you couldn't judge the CD of the material.

Yeah. But at first I was taking it back like three years. You got to pay your dues, Jack, before you can put a CD out. So that was my train of thought that something had a, you had to put some war time in. Then they got a point by 2002. Lee, everybody had merch. everybody had merch the emcee

had a fucking bumper sticker the fucking feature act had a fucking trombone and the fucking the other guys had a CD and a t-shirt and Carlizman Cia took it a level up yeah he started taping the shows

charging you and sending you the show for the personal show like that show that night like that show that night which I thought was fucking brilliant at the time that's 99 2000, 2001, 2002. I didn't consider doing my first CD after Spider-Man 2

that I really needed the money to snort Coke. Look at the album cover. I'm pale as a ghost. Wow. Pale as a ghost. I was a month away from dying, Leone. Well, I took those pictures from that CD. I was a...

It's a shame. It's a fucking shame. Yeah. So 2000 was the first one. And then I didn't even think about it for a long time. I was like, and then, and then, you know, what they give you, 7.50 and told you they'd send you money later. No, no, for that one, I did, I, uh, I, um, I had some help, but, but they really did it. They helped me out a lot.

It was the first album, Shadyside. It was in Monterey, you know, those two brothers. Only if you ever work for those two guys. Are they still around? I think so, but I don't know. I haven't gone back. I've gone back a few times, but, you know, and the reason I did it there is they kept telling me, you should get a record.

We'll help you, we'll help you, we have the recording equipment. we used to be in a band, we used to tour Canada, we'll help you. And they actually helped me. But then I was like, I don't really want to do this thing. And then, you know, 10 years went by, but then, you know, Pandora got popular, Spotify, all these things in our apps or smartphones. And then in 2010, I'm like, I got to put another album out because I'm tired of my old stuff being on Sirius XM. And then it was a thing where it's like, this is kind of, this is cool, man, because on the way to like doing a special and else other stuff, I'm like, let me work on material. get it out there and, you know, so then I came up with another album, that last one, that

stay-at-home stripper album. And then only a year and a half went by, and then I was able to put this one out. And this one comes out June 20th. It's, it's great. The party continues. And it's like, it's able to like, you know, I read this great quote. It said, without a finish line, a goal is just a dream. And so to be able to say, you know, and I hear you do that too, you're like, I'm going to make sure that I'm going to do this thing by, you know, this date, October, or, you know, it gives you something to work towards. It gives you something. So we're not just out every night, like, you know, or on the road or whatever, just like, here's my same old jokes and you just, you know. How many years?

I threw away in L.A. for not planning. Years. Years. If I would have had the mentality that I had years later, I know. I would have been a killer in those days. I would have been less passive. I would have known how to treat management and agencies, better things would have been different. I would have tried to push.

I would have worked a little cleaner just to get to the festivals. Do you know what I'm saying? There's mistakes you make and you learn from. But what are we talking about? I'm stoned on the fucking stone. No, no, just goals and how to, otherwise you just got there dicking around. Once you figure out like a plan, like I have a plan every week, whether I'm on the road or home. People, real quick, I'm sorry to say this, but people are lucky to have Joey Diaz in their life.

You know what I mean? Like, you're a mentor. I'm lucky to have Joey Diaz in my life. Because right now, you're the mentor that people needed. we all need in it's funny i'm a grown up and i still but i still i love hearing when you say mondays get up early da da da da tuesday i can't figure out i wish i had someone telling me this earlier in my life you know when i talk to somebody when i talk to somebody okay listen let's get it out of the way again for the 80th time boom get out of high school join the service figure out some type of

fucking college way. Go to college for four years. Come out, go back on the service, retire in the service, and come out, go to law school while I'm in the service, and come out and be a fucking attorney. That was the original fucking dream. Okay, that's, you have a fucking, whatever.

There was no goal. When you were a kid, you say, you're going to be a fireman. There was no fucking goal. All of a sudden, you are, you're out and you, I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking. That's out.

But now you have to be self-motivated. You got to do stuff. You have to. Because people who come from great backgrounds and go to college are missing little things. And they don't know that this is, you know, everybody goes to college. I figured it out, man. I figured it out while I was at the University of Colorado with the felonies going, wow. So what am I in a rush for to get any type of fucking degree?

That means I'm going to have to do something with it. That's a scary thought. And Lee, at that time, I was a fucking grown man, dog. I can't imagine what it was like for you. To graduate and go, wait a second, things change. Mom's not going to help me. I mean, I got it for a year or two, but this is real. And what if you don't like it?

What if you're like? Oh, I always, that's what happened. I saw people. I saw that happens to a thousand people. You get out of there, the investment, you're like, Jesus Christ, now I'm in a hope for something. I finally go get the job and it's not the fucking job I thought. And that's what it is. It's not that I hated it.

It's just that it's when you're going to those schools, they pump you up and all you're thinking about is your dreams and you get there and you realize oh wait. Let me tell you confession at. Dark de-confession. Yes, sir. I couldn't imagine going to Emerson

for four years or NYU or any other entertainment, fucking school, Syracuse or whatever. I can't even imagine and for somebody to ask me to get them coffee. At least I had my ego would break, considering of what I thought I had just done for some fucking moot to say, listen, Diaz, get me and my partner coffee sweet, and don't fuck it up. Especially when you're making, let's say, $2,000 a month and $200 of that.

Goes to dry cleaning. Another $100 goes to parking. I was going to say $200 just goes to the student loans. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's even low.

A lot of people. But just to go, I always thought that going to college meant when you walked out something big happened. And that's why I always envied that lifestyle. I always thought that, wow, that guy's got something going on because he went to college. And here, I was getting the same education in a fucking different way with a different type of target, you know. And as comics, you know, you come out here and you're very passive. You don't know what the fuck to do until one day you go, why am I paying this smock 10%?

Yeah. And this smock 10%. I got better ideas anyway. These are all my fucking ideas. When you come out of here, you go, I want a manager. You think this guy's going to meet with you for coffee once a week and go. Okay, so how's the act going? How's the fucking touring going?

Let's go over your schedule here. You don't like Tuscalo. Let's get you a fucking personal jet and fly you in like that way they did a little bamba. And then let's do this. No, guys, they don't do that at all. If they do do it, you don't want it. I want people at home to know. Young comedians who listen,

that I hope you don't think that when you come out of, they meet with you in. They say, all right, listen, we want you to wear a purple shirt from now on. You know, we want you to go on a diet. I did this stupid, okay, my first big time management, RK, back in 97, they were at the Century City, those Twin Towers, those top floor. I mean, it's fantastic. And the same building that Ron Howard, you know, I mean, he was right next door.

And I was, like, looking out the window, like, damn, this is big time. And I was just like, so excited. And they, you know, they got me some college gig back then, 1,200, And do you know, like when it got done, they booked the travel. So the flight and they got me a limo, a limo to take me from the airport to this college gig. Like the travel was 900 bucks. And then I had to pay my commissions. And I'm like, where does this music unlimited?

Like, oh, that's the car service. Even the limo guy was like, he's like, yeah, it's hard to navigate these corners to do this college campus. And I'm like, this my management set this up, man. And at that time, I was still teaching traffic school on the side. It's traffic still around? The comedian still teach it? I don't know, but I know they, I haven't taught it since 97, but I did get a ticket, and I just did it online, you know, about eight years ago.

I'm like, that was kind of cool to go online and just like, you know. Actually, I went as a student one time just to see how someone else would teach it, and I'm like, man, that's pretty brutal, just sit there for like eight hours and listen to somebody talk about stop lights and changing lanes. And try to be cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you start picking up a certain act because, you know, it works over and over again. Until one guy comes in and says, hey, I got in the DUI eight years ago and you still had the same act.

I fucked up at the store. I fucked up at the DUI room. What the fuck is my career going? One thing, man, I admire you for balancing your career, man. I admire you because I got to tell you, you're out a lot more than I am at night. And I fucking admire that, but I am wiped by 11 o'clock. Like, I really got to work hard. You also get up really early early.

I mean, I get up early too, but I go back to bed. I think you stay up. I got a, you know, once I had the nose surgery and I come out, I got to tune it up. I've been writing, but I'll tell you, nothing's been working. I've been having brutal responses. I saw you working. And I know that fuck. I'm not having to bring me with me to tape me.

I know that. You know what I do is I bring this phone out and I tape, especially my shorts sets. Like the ones are like 10 minutes or 12 minutes. Those I can listen to it. And I'm like, okay, tonight I'm going to work on the boxing bid. I'm going to work on the bed about my wife, those thing about my son, you know. And then I and then that's that's part of the work. And then the other part is sitting down going to a coffee shop, listening to it, which is we don't like to do.

Oh my God. And taking those notes and being like, okay, I did this, that. I can tighten that up. I can, you know, and I got to be honest, this is the best time to do it in our careers because it's easier now. When you're young, it's, you know, what's funny? What's funny? Now this stuff just comes because, you know, you already have your comedy receptors up and you're like, boom, boom, boom, I can say this joke. I can say it up.

My comedy recessors are getting fucking old. Because they're not attracting fucking funniness. No, they are. And you watch, wait until your daughter gets a little older. I've done a podcast. I've got an anxiety attacks two times. I'll breathe out of my nose. One, thinking about how close to special is

and how I'm 42 minutes away from the fucking goal. I've got to have an hour and five to shoot a 60. Yeah, they could cut it down to 48, which they assume they will to keep it tighter and bang it out. But at this point, I got 22 minutes of something of material. that, uh, I'm telling you, man. So I got a really, I got anxiety about that. Comedy material comes so easy to, to you, Joey. I know it does.

And people, you have things that you do that people like. Like, you know, it really looked like you had six bullet points when I saw you. Like, you're like voting and it was like funny. And you're like, I think I can't vote, you know, and seeing you guys vote. You know, and I was picturing like those, those moms at the farmer's market with the tattoos on their arms that you like to talk about and you know and in some guy whatever like he had his man bun i voted today you know i want to punch him in his fucking face oh my god it was hilarious those dudes i saw the Starbucks that morning just like i looked at them i was like wow we're in deep trouble and they walked into

the voter like that no man but i admire you you're still in the fucking game you got some movies while you were here you know you don't have one thing about guys like us is we lost the smell of desperation, which is a gift just in itself. After a certain time here, you don't want to be at a certain... Listen, if you go down to the improv on Wednesdays, you know, Marco Giovanni's there.

Who's Marco Giovanni, the great director? Next thing, you find yourself down there with your CD, like a fucking mutton. You're down there, huh? And also, one night, you go up to me, go, Marco Giovanna, I'm a big fan of you. He goes, he's my CD, and looks like he goes, thank you. He puts on the table, and he walks away from you.

You want to go home and put a gun in your mouth. You know how many comics I know that? did that? A lot, Lee, that found out like a director was going to be at the improv on a Tuesday night or at the comedy store during the black show. Okay. And they linger in the hallways, and then they give them, like, a copy of their short

film and shit. I used to see it all the time. And then it gets thrown away right around the corner. As soon as somebody grabs them and takes them to the bar. Yeah. As soon as I got to go, pick up the drink, they go, what, are you fucking kidding me? Come here for a second. You want this? They're always trying to give

it away to a wait for a way to see. You want this? You know, so in a way it's like, yeah, it's a friend of mine. Get the fuck out of here. I'm going to bring that home. You know, we all did that. We all did something that's silly. And now you go to the comedy store and you see the guys doing it. And it brings back memories of how you don't buy the bullshit no more.

Nothing's going to really help you. You know, it's help you. Coming here every night, six nights a week. Yeah. Putting out your CDs. You know, not selling your fucking soul. I got a Disney classic movie, so I can't curse on stage anymore. You know, I can't.

It would be a fucking, no, whatever, because they don't want me on the show if I act that way. That's not even happening anymore with comics. They know who they're hiring now. The different fucking game, Lisa. Don't just sit there and stab me. It's fucked up. I'm good. What's got?

What do you got playing this weekend? What's going to happen with you? You look a little down. No, I'm good. You haven't seen Paul all week. I can see you're starting to break. Donut hamburgers. Look at you.

Yeah. Yeah. We're going to have a hamburger. Go ahead. What are you going to do this? Well, that's what it was the lady in the tramp where they had this spaghetti and they What are you doing tomorrow? Tomorrow?

I don't know right now. Which means nothing. And what do you got Friday? Friday have kettlebells and regular work. Right, regular work. That means nothing. When do you see Paula? Maybe Saturday.

Maybe Saturday. He's going to come out of house for an hour. Make you eat something you don't want to eat, then drop her off with a handjob, that's it. You're going to bring her over and tell her who the bosses, give her some stars of death, Cosbya, read of the fucking, what, Whatever.

She gets drug tested so she can't do anything. That's it. It's over? Well, yeah. Well, yeah. She can't do that. Lawyers are probably the only people who drug tests. Listen, I know lawyers that smoke more pot than you and I.

Well, yeah, I'm sure. Once they get the job. Why can they get the job? Yeah, yeah, I see how it works. That's it. You're gonna be in stars by yourself. He's just feeding yourself from that. You're going to sit there in front of her all stone to the gills of your new head, dude.

You're looking sharply. God bless you. I'm so happy you stuck with it. I'm happy you like Dave, that's big. And today I was thinking about why I go to Jujicum, like how enthused I am about going. Today I was having, nah, I wasn't having no bad day today. It was just cloudy.

You wake up in the LA, the last couple of days, it's been cloudy. Yeah. So it throws you off. And all of a sudden you find yourself in a car going to do something that you're not good at, but you're going to go sweat and you're going to go giggle a little bit. They're going to take your mind off.

So when you come back to that, your mind's a lot stronger to deal with that joke or whatever. Dude, I love it. It's like the best. When I come back, the first thing I do is log into jihitoo.com or whatever that's called BJJJournal.com, my friend's webpage. And then after I log on there, I go on my notebook. And every time when I'm driving home from Jiu-Jitsu to the house, I got something to say in my head.

And I got about 18 of those things, which if two of them work for the CD for the special, I'll be very happy. Just little fucking observations you made, you know what I'm saying, whatever. So when does the CD get released, Darren Carter? It's called The Party Continues. Comes out June 20th. It's a, I took advice and did a presale. So people can, if they get it, like, they can buy it right now, and then they instantly get, like, a free track right away.

You guys know, I wouldn't have him on here if he wasn't family, number one, number two. You got to respect him that he's, that's it. We're all sick and tired of, for years. You hear stories and whatsoever, and I don't want to throw nobody on that. I'm not here, throw nobody on. But you hear all these stories, and now as artists, comedians, whatever fuck you want to call yourself,

we have the option to put your music up on websites and your comedy up on websites. That's fucking big guys. That's something we didn't have fucking 15 years ago. 10 years ago, we didn't have this option. And even then, the people who would do the albums with you, would put them on iTunes, and would tell you you make nothing.

They take your fucking little 40% that you get. So you were like, why am I on iTunes? Now you have the right to control that. They have the numbers. They have graphs. They tell you everything. So listen, guys, if you're thinking of fucking doing something, do it already. All right, you want to whack off on a TV show?

Do it. Do it and put on iTunes. Take a chance. Columbus did. You don't know, but no, seriously. There it is. That's it. That's all I got to fucking tell you on Wednesday night.

At least I got an insane dick tonight. I got to talk here by myself. I'm long-winded because you're sitting there looking at me like I owe you 22 hours. No, I was for a... No, no, no. You know, you can imitate that. You see what I'm saying? You see what the what I love your show?

And it's like, you know, I talked a little bit last time about being adopted and growing up in the foster home. And it's like, you know, just having, you know, being a self-starter and not really having that, you know, and hearing a guy like, you know, and hearing a guy like, you know, you know, and hearing a guy like, you. you and your story, you know, and it's nice that we're still here. We weren't like these trust-fund kids that like, hey, you know, I wanted to be a trust-fond kid down. And the cold fucking reality of it was that now you look back at it. There's nobody who wakes up and goes, Jesus Christ, I wish I was a try. Everybody at one time another goes, Jesus Christ, they're digging a trench or they're going

into their last semester and now they're up to fucking money on insurance or whatever the fuck it is tuition and next thing you see you see these fucking kids they pull up in a fucking limo and they act like jerkoffs and they're doing drugs and they're fucking fucking hookers and they're acting like animals and for one second you wish that was you so you would act like a decent individual make your family proud and use their money for fucking good shit you know what I'm saying we never get that I wanted to be a trust fund kid for years for years that was like I can't believe I don't wake up with an envelope and somebody cut my toenails and shit like that But I don't think, going back to like the high schools with the BMWs, those kids don't work as hard.

Some of them do, but some of them get, because of their connections, hire up jobs than maybe they would if they didn't know anybody. But what you were talking about earlier about, like me doing more work is, like, it's, you know that there's work to be done, but it's no one wants to do it. No, like, it's, like, you do things instead of you focus on projects you might, maybe shouldn't. And someone tweeted me the other day and said, isn't it motivating to work with Joey Diaz? And it is, but it's, I learn from you in a way, like, it's like, I don't want you to be right, but you are a lot of the time. And I see how you cut away. And sometimes I feel like I'm too young to be cutting away certain things. Like, maybe I should do things.

get the experience or something, but the more I focus on one thing, it turns out better, I think. I'm super high, so that I may know something. No, no, no, no. I get part of your conversation. Okay. And part of your conversation is this, okay?

I don't even know how to describe how to describe what the fuck he's saying. But in part, it's like what we discuss in the car. Yeah, and I people get a real estate license and after two years aren't making any money so they become waiters for 55 hours a week and for years they tell people their real estate agents but meanwhile they're rate their waiters

if they take the 55 hours as being a waiter and cut 55 hours to 25 hours to 25 hours and for 30 hours a week you really focus on what it is to be a realtor from having your car clean to giving out business cards, to mailing out hello cards, to, you know, calling people on the phone and preparing to meet them, to do an insurance appraise, or whatever the fuck it takes to this

to sign them as a client. If you really do that, most people would get a real estate license work very hard, and they get a cold reality. They buy a course, they get sucked into the course, and the whole thing. How the fuck do I know? Because I saw six out of,

10 of my friends became real estate fucking agents. And not one of them became trunk. That's how I fucking know. Okay? And there was all, one guy was kind of kinky and he made a little money and he got out. He was very smart. He learned how to do loans to get loans with a bank account. And he fucking learned how to finagle.

He made a couple hundred thousand and he got out after two years and nobody ever got the paperwork. But besides that, I never know nobody who, out of all those courses, became anything. because people take that course and they think they're going to sit in an office and people going to knock on your door and go, hey, we want to buy it $800,000 house. It don't work that way, especially in today's society. You become a realtor, Jack. First off, you're going into something that a million fucking people are into.

You know, you've got to, it's like becoming a fucking personal trainer. Okay? You're going into fight against barricutors. You know what? You have a degree in kinesiology. You have an associate's in fucking chemical, fucking warfare. and dietician, and you work for ballets for 10 fucking years,

and you want $200 an hour. Good luck, unless you bump into a sucker like me or some fat fucking, or some actor, right or wrong? It's $200. Well, how long are you going to think you're going to hold on to that price? You think if Lee Syrac comes to and goes, I want to train, but I only pay $75 an hour. This guy's going to go, nah, I get $200 pass on.

You know, how long? But every of those guys picks up one guy that keeps them going for like two years of the shot. You know, $750 a month. Whatever fuck they charge, it's amazing. But the guys that fucking train, like I've known in this city so far, 15 fucking personal trainers. None of them really trained me. I just had conversations.

And I watched them over time. Yeah. Out of those 15, 13 of them have moved. And this is just the last three years. but I've kept my eye on their methods and shit one of them merged with a gym and it's just really weird

how it works up because that's a tough fucking racket out there to be a personal trainer it's a tough racket nobody knocks on your fucking door and says I'm a fat fuck take me I'm yours it's a tough right

there's a lot of unemployed people out there and applying online we've talked about before hundreds of people are applying to those jobs thousands of people the chance that they're going to see your resume even. Yeah, but what job

you're talking about? Any job. If you walk into a realtor's agent and you go, I want to be a realtor, they'll say,

do me a favor. Go over there, smell the corner, tell me what do you smell? You come back, you tell them what you smell you're hired. Wait a second.

If I run a real estate agent, you know how many agents I got? I don't give a fuck if you fucking work for me. I'll hire you if you come in here. You got a license, yeah. What do you look? Right on the quarter.

13, 13, Marking Bird Lane. Okay. You got a car? You got a Ford door? Yeah, my father just bought me a new BMW. I'm ready to go to work. All right.

They'll say, okay. You got a desk over there. Look at the lineup over there. You share it with eight guerrillas. Sign up for an hour a week. Come in here, cold call, put our signs out, get out there. What the fuck do you think you do? Do you come in there and sit there and the phone rings?

We've got a house for sale? No, you've got to get on a fucking phone and code call people. Again, you've got to go market. at yourself. You know what that takes? That takes money and patience. Because even if this guy comes in and goes, I want to sell your house, wait, that happens in two fucking days. So you got to put a year and nine months in a bothering people. And all of a sudden, four houses are signs. You got four fucking listings late. Now you got four listings to play with. And all of a sudden, bam, you sell your first house. And all of a sudden, bam, you sell your second house. And all of a sudden, guess what?

You got two more fucking listings. But the one guy's waiting for his grandmother to die because they got around the fucking head controls. You got hit by a bicycle. And she's waiting to die. She got 32 fucking million in the house. And this goes on for years, Lee. You know why? Because you're always rotating.

You're always shaking hands. You're going, you're sticking to what got you to the dance. You know what? It took me nine months. Now, after nine more months, guess what? Lee, you got 12 listings. And you got three that got fucking offers on. And all of a sudden, you got fucking three that sold more.

And you got nine. more people who referred you to Lee you working with 20 fucking listings and the office is looking at you going this guy's a fucking animal this guy's a fucking animal but there's people who don't understand that because that takes nine months of real work and you know what real work is putting 30 hours in as a realtor like that doing that shit and going and waiting tables on Friday and Saturday but doing it all day working a double that's fucking work check yeah do you in dealing with that rejection and just going forward. You know, I just, I was reading that, you know, the book that Joe Rogan always talks about,

the, The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield. Absolutely. I love that book. That's a great book. I always find something. Every time I read it. And he was talking about this one time. He goes, I was in my 40s.

It was humiliating. I met this producer. And the whole time he was on his phone. And like he'd like the little Bluetooth in or whatever, like a, and he goes, and he would be talking. And then he'd be like, hold on. And he'd just take the phone call. And he goes, God, I'm just sitting there.

And he goes, it wasn't like I was new. It wasn't like I was new to Tintel Town. I'd been around for a while. And at one point, the producer says, hold on, this is personal. I need to take it. Do you mind stepping outside? And he goes,

so I can grab my stuff and I go outside. I'm in the waiting room and I'm waiting. And 15 minutes goes by, 20, an hour goes by. And he's like, then the guy comes out. And he goes, I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry.

I forgot that you were out here. Let's reschedule this. And he goes, and I went down the elevator and I felt like crap. But he goes, you know what? I was happy. I had that opportunity. And he goes, and that's what you got to, He goes, and here's the thing.

It's like, the Mattador, who's something like, he goes, he gets, you know, he's running from the bowl. He doesn't win that day. But that's okay because at least he's in the arena. He's not in the stands watching. He's not in the parking lot hoping he could, you know, I wish I could be there. It's like, you know what? All right, I'll take my lumps. Big deal.

There'll be another day. I'll meet with the producer and I'll get this movie out there. Can you believe you're still fucking swinging out of 20 years in this time? Yeah. Still here. 20 years ago, we talked about this last podcast with the last guy. was on and he was a jiu-jitsu guy just having a commitment to something for 20 years can you believe it yeah can you fucking believe it like anything else like an electrician who says i worked for

32 years that's always been a big accomplishment to me this guy got up fucking six days a week and almost got electrocuted that's the same thing as being a comedian we get electrocuted every night like i did you know what i'm only a few years into my career but it seems like every three to four years you start seeing like major games like you see every few months but you're But it seems like it's like every three to four years. I don't know if you guys have a different experience. Well, I think that people think that anything that they pick as a career is easy sometimes, especially something that involves a commission or something that,

where you are expected to, you know, generate money. Whatever you're a CEO, whatever, you know, whatever does. I think that, uh, What are you laughing about me? Hit him, Darren. I didn't really high. What do you think, Darren? I think he's really high.

I think you're fucking high, too, Darren. I think I've been breathing on you. Give me that stuff, Lee. Let's get him out of here. I know he's got a spot. He's got a couple spots. I love it, man. Thank you for coming out.

Listen, man. Thank you. I had you on. You were talking about that flappers. I overheard you talking to Lee, and I came back and checked the schedule. And I bumped somebody. I go, you know what? I want to help Darren out.

Darren's a great guy. He's done a lot of great work. I know you put effort into this. It's not like you're a whore or nothing like that. You know, our, like I said, our desperation smell is over with. And it feels so nice to walk into a comedy club. I still remember the 10 million situations where people are calling, oh, hey, man, do you know that on fucking Tuesday nights?

The guy who did pulp friction hangs out at this place and they do comedy, let's go down there and sneak up at 9 o'clock so he would see us. It's like something's really going to happen. and people would get fucking creepy about it. You want to give me that stuff? Sure. But you just don't know. You're just trying everything when you first get here.

How fucking embarrassing can you be? You know what I'm saying? The last time I did the show, I got a lot of emails and tweets, and I want to say thank you guys for reaching out. I love when people reach out. It shows you, you know, like I do morning radio a lot, like around the country. Not that nobody reaches out. Yeah, I even have done stuff in L.A.

And it's like you get like maybe one, maybe one. message or to maybe to and sometimes it's because i'll tweet it hey listen to me on blah blah blah or and then it's my own people so it's like you know it's great the power of podcasts and the connection that we we have you know as listeners and as uh performers i'm you know blown away by this whole thing every day i learned something new from an email or by bump into people or you were you were saying earlier how you feel when people come up to you how do you mean how do you think I my life hasn't really changed yet here but it doesn't make sense out I don't really think about what what's going on because it doesn't make sense to me I'm from

I'm from Boston 900 milligrams of T-8 C then however should I do that to you so it doesn't make sense no but no but it doesn't make sense that's why I do this with you think I do this as you like to see you fucking all over there drooling the shit thinking about Mexican food no I do this so you don't think about what you you're doing. What you're doing is magic. And you don't even know. You just over that fucking, like a dunce living around like young Frankenstein.

Well, you're giving $900. But it's crazy. Like, I'm just a dude from Boston. And it's crazy that people want to take pictures with me. I don't get it. So I just, I don't think. I was excited when I met Lee, you know, like,

because I used to hear you with Steve Simone and Joey and I was like, that's Lee. Hi, Lee. I think I might have been in Las Vegas or something, but it was like, it's cool, you know? I couldn't. appreciate it more, but it's just It's still weird

Some of it has gotten creepy at some point Because they fall into your bathroom They found my phone number On like old resumes I had online I luckily took those down But um Most of everybody You know everyone in the podcast

They've been great Ever since Dr. Belize came on I've been paying attention to that more and more I still put the kettlebell on my stomach make I still do that stuff. And it didn't feel anything until today. It took a little longer than 14 fucking days. I ain't going to lie to you.

But I stuck with it, you know. And one of the things you have to do basically is sit on the floor and it's like a condolini type breathing. You know, it's like one of those things where you put your stomach in before you lay on your back, before you put the kettlebell and take the deep breaths. And what you're basically doing is breathing. And then there's one thing she says to calls your mouth and, you know, relax your jaw and. look straight ahead. When you do that and breathe out of your nose, it's completely different. And you kind of go into a meditative state. And lately, I've been thinking about the special, about me on stage, what are you going to wear, what do I want from the special, just to get your mind in order.

Before Jimmy Valeno and North Carolina won that year, and the practice is the first three or four practices and made them cut the nets down. So they would see what it felt like when they won the championship to cut the nets down. That's really fucking good thinking. You know what I'm saying? So it all starts at that shit. I know it sounds stupid to the people at home. You think I'm smoking dope with eight Indians and we're spitting up really. It don't happen that way. I don't know nobody.

But meditation is real important. And that's what Headspace has to offer you as a product, okay? Let's be honest. Most of your problems start in your mind. Fear, anger, stress, anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, they begin in your head and they can wreck your life. Okay, I know for personal experiences, man, some nights I go pee and on the way back to lay down, I think about something and it wakes me to fuck up in the middle of night. I got to go sit on the couch and smoke 15 bong hits and watch TV to come down from just thinking about it, right? They could wreck your life, but it doesn't have to be that way.

You can make major difference in just 10 minutes a day. This change comes through guided meditation with the new Headspace at. Headspace is meditation made simple. It's guided meditations that you listen to. whenever you want, wherever you want, write on your phone, computer, or tablet. Meditation is rooted in thousands of years of traditions with scientific studies that show its positive effects like improving focus, relationship, harmony, and decreasing anxiety and stress.

For me, I use it for the anxiety. I use it for the stress. It's just a few minutes a day, and it starts with this. You join over 5 million users already getting some headspace for free right now. Do me a favor right now. You're a church guy. I love you. I know maybe you have them problems.

Try it. Why not? Take a chance. Columbus Day. Download the free Headspace app and begin their Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace. At headspace.com slash Joey. The Headspace Take 10 program is 100% free way to experience the benefits of meditation in your busy, modern life. We do when you think when you finish at the gym, you're trying to lose weight.

you're at the gym, you got your heart rate up to fucking 2000. You're thinking about cookies and fucking pepperoni pizza. How do you think you come down from that anxiety? You go in the corner, you stretch your hamstrings. You know, you stretch your back a little bit. You do a couple of those fucking yoga things. You know, you do those other things that cat core poses. And after it's all over, you sit down for fucking two minutes.

You take your t-shirt off. You don't give a fuck about your stomach as if you're a man. You take your shirt off. You get a little freedom. You cross your legs, you relax your fucking hands. You just breathe and breathe of what you want to do, what just happened, and what you expect. And all of a sudden, you just say a fucking little prayer.

You clean that bad fucking air out, which I haven't done for years. See, that's what I was doing. The Dr. Bleas didn't open my eyes still. You have to spit that fucking air out. You can breathe all you want. But if you don't spit that, hold that air and I push your stomach out, Yeah. When I take those fucking tablets, she sent me those, you lick this thing and it gives you your THC, your pH, whatever balance, and you're fucking, you gotta get it between six and seven.

There was days that was at like fucking darkness because I got to sleep back in your machine out. And I'm not breathing fully. That's why when I wake up, if I make a quick move, I almost have a fucking heart attack. I figured all this shit out, all with that fucking book. So I'm happy she came on. I'm happy she turned me out to meditation. That's my fucking pointer, right? Like we said in the beginning of the podcast,

we're getting sponsored by somebody who impressed the fuck out of me. It's Datusara. You know why? They have the hemp products and that's all great. But one thing I didn't mention, how the products are exceptional. That little jujitsu bag, they sent me. They sent me a canteen, okay?

I fill that up with water. I get the other thing. I fill that up with water. I put protein after a drink. I fill that in that fucking bag. Then on the other side, I put my two towelettes and my, nasal spray, okay?

And then on the other pocket, I put my fucking phone and my wallet, okay? And then in the fucking bag, I put a pair shorts, a T-shirt, and a towel, okay? And then I got to bring it disinfect it because my knee pads are rotten. They smell like 10 dead dicks, so I gotta wipe my fucking knees before I get scurvy or whatever fucking grows on the back of your fucking legs, right? Don't worry, I ordered new knee pads from Amazon. I know the cocksucker page. Anyway, and then anyway, what the fuck I'm saying is, the bag is,

tremendous. It feels great. It's tough. It's got a strap. It's got two different handles. I got pockets for fucking the fungi soap. I got a new thing with the soap. I got this new fungi soap. I just stick my toe in it. And let it's cement on my toes. Like in the old days, how they throw you in the Hudson River.

With cement boots, I just have a cement toe. How long do you stick it in there for? For like eight, nine minutes until I get bored. I got to go somewhere. What the fuck is with the questions? I don't fuck. It's not. It's a point. man. Anyway, I'm sorry.

Well, my fucking point is I got the fanny pack I flew with last week. I had my nasal spray in there, had my pens. I had two pan glasses. One of them broke. But that was my fault. They're fucking three for $10.

What do you think of they going to last forever? I got my fucking, you know, whatever the fuck you need. It's around your waist. A lot of people sitting there looking at me like, like Joey, what are you fucking gay? You're following you. But no.

Let me tell you some. I'm an old fat man. I don't like shit in my wallets, okay? So you put all that fucking shit in the thing there, and that's it. You fly like that. They got the, what do you call those things? The fanny pack. They got the bag for Jiu-Jitsu, okay?

They sent me a beautiful fucking sweatshirt. I wear it outside Jiu-Jitsu. It's hemp. It's strong. It's solid. It's fucking light. Any way you put it, listen, do me a favor. Go to D.S. gear right now.

They got rash guards. They got geese. They got a geese. They got a geese. Hemp. Tremendous. Please. Go to D.Sgear.com right now.

You like something? Tell them my sense you get 5% off. What are they put in the box? Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y, bam, in the box. You get 5% off. Go look at this stuff. It's hemp.

Your motherfuckers love smoking weed and you want to support the cars and you love woodstock. Well, here, start by going to dsgear.com. Right now, I'm giving you a nickel percent off today, all right? And don't forget it. The best on it.com. Saving me here.

53 my liver looks like a fucking skank you know i don't even know what my fucking liver looks like my liver looks like one of those rivers in newark there's no even alligators there's just dead fucking bones shroom tech the sweat and the whole fucking thing has saved my fucking life okay with the alpha brain the focus the hemp protein powder i'm losing a centimeter of fat every two weeks you understand me at least i'm going forward why because i'm paying attention. And On it sent me all those products. I tried them. Now they support me and fuck it. We're partners now. And I love them and I think you should fucking try them. So do me a favor. I can sit here and be an encyclopedia bullshit. I ain't even going to bother you with that.

Go to honor.com right now and press in church. Get 10% off. Before you fucking press 10% off, look at the line of products they got. I can't help you with the weights and the sticks. But the supplements, I'm your fucking goomba. Okay. I'm giving you 10% off right now and they get shipped the house. On it.com. Headspace.com slash Joey and dot Susara,

the best DSgear. com. Who's better than you? Coxuckers. Darren Carter, I wish you nothing but luck. Listen,

again, do me a favor. I don't bring some fucking Johnny come lately on the fucking show. In fact, I want you to play Lay Down Sally on the way.

A little Eric Clapton for him. We're going slow hands. Out of respect for D.C. The brain supreme. Anyway, this guy's, I've known him for a while. 22,000 people have come and gone. Me and D.C. is still here. He fights for his fucking life.

He plays Chattanooga. Whatever they need them, D.C.'s there. Black people, white people, albinos, corporates. This kid's a fucking real superstar. Any day now, somebody will put him as a partner in some talk show at midnight. He makes a half a mill. And everybody's happy for him because he put the time in.

And that's the most important thing. But it all starts with your supports on the iTunes. because people look at that shit. It's like the minor leagues. They do. I love you, Joey. I love you, Lee.

Thank you guys. I love you at next, brother. There's the CD Premier Party. We're going to figure that out. I don't know right now. I want you to tweet it. I know I'm going to the road. Yeah.

Thank you. Let's do that. I'm at helium next weekend. It's sold out. And after that I'm having no surgery. I'm going to Vegas and Joe, July 8th. I'm having no surgery after that. And you won't see my Cuban ass to fucking Oklahoma,

bitches. I love you, cock suckers. We'll be back this fucking. Listen, Monday morning you're going to wake up. Doop doop de-doop. You're going to have a new fucking podcast. That's how I roll, bitches. I love you, motherfucker.

Stay black, Uncle Joey. The Churchill, what's happening now, bitches? I love it. Is this the kids' bot version? I have no idea. What's with the questions? Is this the kids' bomb version? It's worse than this fucking guy.

There is nothing that is wrong. Wanting you to stay here with me I love you've got nowhere to go but won't you make yourself at home and stay

with me and don't you never leave so soon was brought to you by Headspace download the free Headspace app

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