The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #391 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 22, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20 % off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.    Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get $20 off of your first order of wine curated just for you Tracker - Go to Thetracker.com and use code word "church" for 30% off of your entire order.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/21/2016.
  

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shroom tech immune and shroom tech sport oh shit it's starting kick that fucking mulee I want to hear that in my fucking cans come on kick that

fucking thing he's one of these deaf young kids you know he likes music low crank that motherfucker fucking horse there's

There you go. Don't look at me. Crank it. To the top. There you go. Believe that it goes this loud. And for two minutes, they'll play it like the fucking hemophiliate. This fucking price pose. Stop being a victim, you fucking cock suckers. Get out there. It's the church of what's happened now. Tuesday, June 21st, one of my most hated people in the world was born this day. What are you going to do? I hate this fucking day. This fucking jam.

This whole side on bad motor fakers. It's just, it's fucking classic. What's the story, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here, Lee Syed here. Tuesday, June 21st. We're coming in Tuesday because I got a big fucking day tomorrow. I got things to do. People to see.

People to see. As you know, it's been hot in a motherfucker here. I mean, you know, and listen, it's these fucking Gentiles that make it hot. I mean, it ain't that fucking hot, but I tell you yesterday, there were some moments. could not sit outside. Listen, I love being outside. I love the sun.

I hate that indoor fucking shit. You're depressed. Get vitamin D. Vitamin D is the best fucking thing in the world for you. A couple minutes in the sun, I know. But Joey's son cancer. You know it's cancer sitting inside four fucking walls. Breathing the same fucking oxygen.

Okay, that's fucking cancer. You go outside, you sit under a tree. You get close to the fucking roots. It's making chlorophyll you, whatever the fuck. You suck by that tree. You do some Dr. Belize's, you get a little vitamin D. Things change. I fucking change whole days with 10, 15 minutes in vitamin D.

It's fucking amazing. How people actually scared of a little bit of fucking sunlight. I, you know, I get up in the morning. First thing I do is walk on the balcony. I want to see what the fuck's cracking. I got to get some air. I want to breathe whatever the fuck's out there. You see what happened the night before.

It was windy, you know, something. Were you ever self-conscious about taking your shirt off? Because I always used to be. And there's a huge difference for me. between being outside and being outside with your shirt off. Who needs to go outside with their shirt on? I'm talking, just go outside and get air and get oxygen. Right away, you want to be fucking tossing.

Nobody was talking about the beach. I'm not saying like... Who gives a fuck about the beach? I'm not even talking about the beach. You're just saying random walk. Yeah, the beaches get caught to the beach. No, that's drama. I'm talking about you in your fucking house.

You get up at six. You know, you feed the cats. You clean the leather box. You take a shower. You have some coffee. And about 20, 25 minutes in, whatever the fucking time it is. You open your door and you go outside. You go outside and you see what the fuck's going on.

You already shower. What are you going to sit in that fucking house for? You go outside and you breathe and you drink some water outside. You give thanks to God for giving you another fucking day. Every day since I was fucking in a rocket ship, I always went outside the house. You got to go outside. I don't think I'm agoraphobic, like scared of going outdoors. Fuck yeah, you are.

You're sitting that fucking house for three days. It gives me anxiety leaving. Why do you get anxiety? I have no, there's everything I like is in my house. I know that nothing bad is really going to happen. Like, I'll drive myself nuts.

I'll spend three hours trying to figure out what to eat. It's not bad. I'm not saying going to a strip clock. No. I'm just saying walking in front of your fucking house. Yeah. Under a tree. Getting a little bit of sun,

breathing, no music, no iPod, no nothing. Just collecting your thoughts for 10 minutes outside. I don't care how out of this or how rainy it is. Even when it's rainy, I sit outside sometimes. You get here with a couple drops of rain. God, who gives a fuck?

But in a way it gets you going, it's a different way of getting going outside coffee and all these things. You let nature get you going. If you were around 8,000 fucking years ago, you'd wake up outside and you'd breathe that air. And guess what? People didn't sit

around and talk and read the fucking paper. They got up and killed them motherfuckers. I know you said that you've done this, like this was you before you went to prison, but did prison have anything to do with it? Not being able to go outside? No, not at all? I remember being a kid and living in Manhattan on 809th Street.

That's my first memory of a real home. And we had in those days it was an apartment, but you walked into the apartment. It was a living room. Then there was a kitchen. And in the kitchen, you opened the sliding gate. Okay. And it was like 12 by 12.

Whatever the fuck those things are, you know? And I remember I just sit out there and look at the sun. I could have been four. I don't know what the fuck I was waiting for. I didn't have, I wasn't waiting for fucking, a rainbow or nothing. I was just a retarded little four-year-old kid, and I would just sit there and look at the sun and go to myself, how fucking beautiful is this? Did you ever have dinner outside? That was the, I had a deck too.

I would go outside, I would watch TV, and when I would get bored, I'd go in that balcony and I'd sit in the corner. And my mom would say, why do you sit out here? It's better than sitting there. I'm breathing there. I looked at. If you looked down in those days, you saw garbage. I don't like eating outside Really? No, I don't like eating outside

Especially with it become in this country People eat outside to show you they're outside Look at us with an umbrella Put me in the back Looking forward to them Somebody comes in I slip out the bathroom door Well, I don't understand it at restaurants Especially when outside of the parking on

That's a jerk off thing That's a thing Let's sit outside What do they call it? Suits afresca Yeah, I go fresco Go fuck yourself fresco Put me in the back

And I'll look forward I don't want no outside germs and no fucking people breathing. It's an adult. You ever see people handle your food? Oh, they grab the food and the motherfuckers that stop to answer a question, I'll break the dish over the fucking head. You know what I'm talking about?

Like they have your food and they'll stop. Talk. Talk. Don't talk. And your food will be just sitting there out. Because you're looking at them on the kitchen. Oh, yeah. I look at everybody.

I don't know, no, no, no, no, no. Uncle Joey keeps an eye on that waiter. I got one eye on the waiter and the other eye on the kitchen. The part that gets me, because I used to be a waiter, is like the thumb in the drinking glass or the thumb touching your food as they're bringing it to you. Or like if you're at like a... The thumb is the least of my promise. Really?

Just a little tip of a thumb. I don't like that. I don't like that. The last time you put your thumb up your ass or you don't, you put it in your mouth. The thing that bothers me the most is when they stop with your food to talk. And cools down. That, no, it doesn't cool down. The breath.

You're talking and my food, your fucking germs are sticking to my... fucking food and his germs are sticking to your food. How do you know which way it is to the bathroom? I have no fucking idea. I'm carrying food that way. But you don't stop with my three fucking dishes to talk to somebody. That's my point. And getting their breath on your food? Yeah, that's what I don't like. That's what I'm talking about. I don't give a fuck about

a thumb. Okay. Yeah, I don't like the thumb. I'm in this country's worried about thumbs. And I have hair. Who gives a fuck? If you got any type of civilian, you've been sucking dick for 30 years. How many hairs have you had in your mouth? You got more hairs than the fucking O. J. Crime fucking seen. And right away you don't want to fucking... But it's different.

I don't know. It doesn't... Because listen, let me explain something to you. That you need to understand before you get into anything. Okay. When you walk into a restaurant, you have to assume in the back of your mind

that this guy scratches balls and picked up your meat. You have to assume that the lettuce guy because if you don't, you're a fucking idiot. I try to put it out of my head, I guess. Yeah. We all do as Americans.

You try to put it out of your head and eat. But what do you think happens in a fucking kitchen? What do you think really happens? You know that food that you like? All those, let me ask you something. All these restaurants that fucking, that dude, bar rescue go to. Right. They're the restaurants you go to.

The same type of food you like. You know, that dude that you were raving about, oh, yeah, carnitas on a sandwich. Listen, that guy will be out of business in a year, and he's a filthy fuck back there. Because those carnitas, who's eating a fucking carnitas sandwich? The only one that's doing that is you. Carnitas is...

Nobody has come up to me in the last four weeks. I found this place. And they have carnitas sandwich with Swiss cheese or cheddar. That's even fucking worse. We discussed cheddar today. You hate cheddar. I don't know what it is delicious. Because it's not delicious.

It's not a good cheese at all. Doesn't do anything to a sandwich but makes you fucking white as fuck. That's all cheddar does. Cheddar's not Swiss. Cheddar's not monster. So what cheeses are passable? American slice thin Slice thin on turkey.

Tasted sometimes. Thin with mayonnaise. Taste that fucking, it conglomerates better than that hard cancer. That cheddar's a hard fucking cancer. Don't you look at that fucking cheddar? I don't think it's a cancer, but maybe.

Who knows? I like Swiss. Swiss is a call for ham. Swiss is a call for fucking turkey. You can't change. Little Swiss, little Swiss on roast beef with chains on ripe bread. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

You have no idea with the little seeds and a little rye bread with some roast beef slice thin a little pink Throw some salt and pepper on that motherfucker to a slice of Swiss cheese or two a little shaved lettuce Very important shaved lettuce is that little strips little strips little strips I love the little And the slices of tomato on rye with mayonnaise and then come back and you see your uncle fucking Joey If that's not your sandwich I used to get pissed at my mom because I loved something when you there's something about shaved lettuce it tastes different yeah it's supposed like one leaf of lettuce like a complete that leaf i take that thing and i go yeah i don't want this when they just put the leaf of lettuce and i don't want that i like when they put the spinach in and all that type of stuff like the spinach leaves i don't mind

that okay but shredded lettuce is the call when you go down the jersey shore it's shredded fucking lettuce when you go to hashways deli it's shredded fucking dallas when you go to the palmer in fair view it's shredded fucking lettuce what part of that doesn't anybody fucking understand it's i think It's laziness, I guess. Yeah, it's laziness. It's fucking complete laziness. It's why you can't, you know, you can't go to those places. Because if you go, you just fall into that fucking trap.

You just have to boycott those places in your mind. Everyone makes fun of you for, like, have, like, your stances and stuff, but it gets you out a lot of bad, like, you never have, like, a really, like a bad meal. No. It's just, like... I stick to my guns. Right, yeah. I stick to my guns. I love to try new things, but I look at the person who suggested it.

And I look at the other foods he's told me about in this fucking stupid fucking life. Do you still take advice from here? No, not even close. You're discussing. You like carne sada on French fries. Who doesn't like it? It's delicious. Carnetasa fries.

That's just garbage. That's just garbage. A nice fucking steak fry, nice. With an open steak sandwich. That's the way America. A fucking carnita. You don't know what the fucking carnitas is. It could be a pork knuckle.

I saw that meat they served at that thing the other day. Where? At that fucking benefit I went to that. It was disgusting. Yeah, bad meat. It's really. Listen, when they, when people created all these meals, they have to evolve, but nobody in their right mind had the shit they're going to put on French fries. I mean, how many things can you put on French fries?

Everything. I tell you're fucking ridiculous. There's nothing I like on a French fry except ketchup. A nice cut potato from the house and you cut steak fries. doesn't need nothing. If you want to dope it up with some garlic slices thin and some onion slices, that's it.

That's all that needs. It doesn't need, you know, nothing else. When I grew up in Jersey, I used to go to those places that had the gravy with the mozzarella cheese. That's fucking delicious, but you don't see me eating it every week. You can't.

You can't. You know, you throw those weights around three times a week. Do you tell me what I ate today? What do you have? I ate today. I woke up this morning and had an almond smoothie. I need dick. You know what I had for lunch?

I had a steak and eggs with fruit and a piece of wheat toast. That's good. And I need nothing else. And then tonight my wife made some fucking fukasha hamburger help or ate two fucking spoons of it. Tonight I have a protein shake. I'm not better than you. I'm trying to eat better. But I never, like if I knew now when I knew at your age, I wouldn't eat half the shit I was eating.

I would just refuse to eat it. And I did. When I tell you, I'm not going to do it. Listen, I hate my, my mom. one friend, but one thing he always told me is when you, I was telling Larry this last night on the phone. He's like, when I put some in my head, it's over. I'll never look at that food again. I'll never eat there again. I'll never go back there again. I don't care what they tell you. And I grew up at a time when there was no yell, when you made a personal fucking choice.

You made a personal thing. I don't check yelp because look at the people who are going on yelp. They don't know about food. What do they know about food? They've been growing up out here eating this shit the fuck do they know about food nothing a carnita fry who's ever heard of that i guess with cheese on it it's so good you know how hard you work yeah no i can't eat them and i don't i don't it's like it's over like like at one point you look at that food and go like it's never happening ever again like that's it never again it can't happen like that's the discipline that america has never really understood with anything whether it's drugs or food or a pill or anything And everything that goes with that has to be shut down.

I. Somebody calls you and says, hey, I'm having a party at that place. I ain't going there. Why? Because they have carnitas fries. I wouldn't even step in the building. No, no, no. It's just little things that people.

And then we go back on and then we get angry with ourselves. I should have never came here. You knew it. You fucking knew it. 2,000 million people are not wrong. Jared tricked the whole fucking nation into eating that horse meat. It's terrible. It's fucking terrible.

And if you say to me, well, Joey, it's a sandwich for $5.00. Do you know the sandwich I can make you for $5 fucking? Do you have any fucking idea of the sandwich I can make you for $5 fucking dollars? Yeah, it's... The sandwich you can make yourself for $5 fucking dollars. But you have to go to the store? Who gives a fuck? A lot of people.

Wouldn't you rather go to the store than have fucking that tattoo guy with greasy fingers? He's been smoking cigarettes. I don't give a fuck how many gloves at Subway, one of those fucking foreigners put on the hands. and that white dude with a tattoo of an alligator on his neck. He could put on three fucking gloves, and the stench of his life is still going to touch that fucking disgusting turkey pastrami they get that you're going to eat. $5 you're selling your fucking soul.

You're selling your soul, and then it's just... Five fucking dollars. It's not good at all, even for, even to save the money. No nutritional value at all. That's what I'm fucking saying with half of these places you go eat at now, Dog, are all the fusion. Everybody wants to be John. fucking fusion and they all when did that start do you remember yeah I'm sitting on my balcony

last Friday it's me and my wife we're talking it's fucking two in the afternoon I went to you out who the fuck knows what happened I know I'm starving I look on the table there's a fucking menu all right it's for I look at the thing it's a spicy garlic shrimp that sounds good I said god damn where is this I told my wife we went down there first I was I'm walking and I kicked myself in the ass it was one of those mixed places. It was half Japanese and have Chinese. Right already, but I go, you know what? I got to be fair. I got to talk myself through this. Why be negative? I could be positive. Well, let me tell you

something. The fucking fried wontons taste like terrible. Even my wife were like, what are these things? The fucking Philly Roll. The cream cheese was two years old. Okay? The shrimp and garlic was okay, but they gave me those fucking mezza moat shrimp. I hate those shrimp. I got to go. The rice was the best thing on the menu, the white rice.

Will I go there again? Never in my fucking whole life. Was it my fault? Absolutely, because I don't go. With my world, you've got to pick a country. You're the Chinese or Japanese. You can't sell sushi and pork fried fucking rice. And every time you go to those places,

you're going to end up going, wow, this ain't that good. No, because they can't even make good Japanese food. Now they want to try to cross fucking over. And then the problem I have with going out to eat, I have a terrible time making choices. Like, I'll spend two hours, and it's because I don't, I'll go to these places that, oh, I had a bad meal there, but I'll try them again. Like, it seems like you just, if you make a decision and just stick to it, it makes your life a lot simpler, which I have a huge problem with. I went to this place, got a burger.

Why didn't you go to stop? Well, because I don't give a fuck what Paula thinks. I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks. My wife, Paula, your wife, if somebody comes out here to visit me and says, hi, I was in a bar in Jersey, and I heard about this. place called Five Fingers, Biggers, five brothers, whatever the fuck it is. Can we go there and get a hamburger? Yeah, on your own.

You want a burger? Yeah, we're going to stop. Why are we going to stop? You don't get bored of any of these places? No, but I don't go every fucking weak. Okay. But it's the best burger. Why fuck around?

I'm not going to go anywhere else. There's no reason to go anywhere else. The fries suck dick there, but the burger's the best burger in town. The thing to do is to go to jerry's, get steak fries, go to stout, get a burger, and bring it home. That's your best bet, but I'm not that much of a fucking. fucking animal. That is the best bet. I love doing that. Okay. That's what I'm saying to you. I wouldn't go anywhere else for a burger right now. Nowhere else. The next 10 years will I live here.

There's no reason to. That fucking burger is the best burger. The flavoring that burger, I've been all over the country. That's the best burger I've had in 10 fucking years inside that burger. How they cook it, the pink, it's real meat. You never get sick there. The onion rings are fucking tremendous in the iced tea. I'm not going to recommend anything else to you there. I don't know. I never had it. But when I want a hamburger, one of my friends, I want a hamburger, my friend Julius says this is a place, and Sherman knows, listen, then go with Julius.

Right. Go with Julius. But today, we're going to stout. And I guarantee you'll love it. And that's it. It always works. It's not that I'm being a prick, it's not that I'm being a bad person.

I go for what's the best bang for my fucking dough. How do you get so confident? Because I don't have it at all, man. You just grow when you go. this is what I'm going to do and this is what I'm not going to do. That's it. This is what I'm going to do and this is where I'm not going to go. You know, yesterday was the first time that we got a,

it was too hot to cook yesterday. Right. So yesterday I was going to a jiu-jitsu on the way back I'm starving. Jerry Rocha calls me, we were talking, and he goes, I'm going, I'm at the golden chopsticks. I said, you know what? A Chinese lunch wouldn't fucking kill you. So I got the chicken pepper.

You know, just a nice chicken with brown rice, you know. Wasn't bad. But that's not Chinese food. Any idiot can make a piece of chicken with brown rice. Do you know what I'm saying? Right. Like I had to settle for fucking chicken with red peppers. You know, those little red spicy peppers.

That's not what I would have got there. No. But they don't have Setsuan beef the way I like it. I don't have anything. And you know they can't mess that up. Right. So I know they can't fuck it up. So I take the easy route out so nobody gets their feelings here.

But like that, there's that Chinese place on Ventura. I went there with my wife. after my wife was pregnant. They got me one time for 60. Don't ever get me again. It was disgusting. I told one day I said, I'm not eating Chinese food no more.

What does that mean? I'm just not doing it no more. When I go home to chance, I'll stack up. There's no reason to eat that shit otherwise. It's just bad. The only thing I like around here is that fucking Cessuan thing.

Oh, the green apple? The green apple. But who's going to have to? I got to go park and go into tunnels. Now, forget it. And that's why I don't, going back to, why I don't leave the house, I think about all that.

And then I'm like, why even leave the house? Why even go outside? You think about all that, but you'll settle for a shitty restaurant instead of just going to the main water. Because I get overwhelmed. I'm like, oh, fuck it, I'll just go there. Why would you get overwhelmed? I have America with TV today.

Nobody can have a decent TV show today. It's not even worth trying to put a decent TV show on today because there is so overwhelming of television. There was so much entertainment. If I want to stay home, if I want to be, be a 500 pound fat fuck. I could do it in today's world just staying easily. It wouldn't even be hard.

Easily. They've programmed this for you to stay home and watch that shit all fucking day. There's a new show on Netflix. There's a new show on this. There's a new show on that. So no show could really grab you. I hear the hottest show is that family fucking show on ABC. Modern Family?

There is not one person I talk to that watches that. Number two. Every show I've seen on ABC the last two years is so got off. It's so god awful. I told my wife this last week we're watching something. I can't even watch Shark Tank no more. Really? It's getting a little weird.

Yeah, it's getting too cocky now and Shark Tank Plus. Who gives a fuck? Give me the money or not. You're going to rob me anyway. What's the big fucking deal? I'm getting robbed you no matter what. You see the fine print at the end? Yeah.

Yeah, it's fine print like a motherfucker at the end. It is kind of crazy, especially with that show that we've been convinced into watching an hour long of commercials. that's a commercial for their companies and their products and it's amazing that that's where you're really buying them out of all the shows i'll watch shark that's i watch it every week i'll watch it but it's so weird how people glorify these other fucking shows and i try to watch them i'm like i don't know what these people but this for me it's been like that all my life i could look through something i can see two or three little things and go the same for me you know i was talking all over yesterday i love las Vegas i love the idea

the move in Las Vegas. Remember what was he yesterday? Yeah, like 110? That's the way it is for three fucking months. Oh, no, thank you. You know what, man? You don't have enough air conditions. For me, at this age, I know exactly what I'm going to do,

and I know exactly what I'm not going to fucking do. I know I'm not going to have me to eat broccoli. I know I'm never going to eat fucking asparagus. I already know, because I haven't done it already, and I won't fucking break for it at all. I don't give a fuck. What's wrong with broccoli? I just don't like none of that shit.

I don't. I like lettuce, tomato and onions. That's it. but only shredded lettuce shredded lettuce for different things you can't give me a salad at home with shredded lettuce you look like a fucking moron you have to cut the lettuce

do you understand me and that's what all these people have messed up out here that's what they you know it only takes a little bit more to be that much better I open up a sandwich shop guess what I'm gonna do before I open up a sandwich shop what I'm taking my fat fucking friendly in me and we're gonna get a big bag of reefer

and we're gonna go to the 10 top sandwich shops in the country That's how you open up a fucking business That's the investment You go to Jersey And you go guys, give me the best fucking sandwich pie And you hear 10 guys Vitos Joccos Mookis

You do a thing And whoever has 11 out of 12 You fucking go to that Then you go to New York City Who's got the best sandwich This place you go And you eat the sandwiches And you learn

Then you go to Oklahoma And eat a sandwich in Oklahoma And you almost puke That day I had a sandwich In Omaha I almost fucking puked What happened? Oh my God It was just some

Something that they couldn't even make a sandwich, but I knew this going in, and this is what you get when you go to a small little fucking airpoise. You're so hard on yourself. This is what you get. That is. It's true. It's true. You reach a certain age that you already know what you're getting yourself fucking involved in. That's about 34 or 35.

You know you're going to get sucked into this stupid shit. That's why, like, I had a friend who got hooked on Coke at 50. I'm crack at 50. I never saw that. Oh, God. After all of life that's been happening, at 40. You want to get hooked on crack and smoke crack and all this shit now? That's crazy.

Were they sober up until that point? Well, not really. You know, they were still fucking doing shit, but now they smoke crack out of everything at that age. Yeah, that's intense. Crack. It's weird, especially because when I used to look at people my age now and think I was old. But now when I'm growing up and seeing, like I live next to this woman who is very nice.

But I'm pretty sure she's a hoarder. She doesn't leave the house. It's really, it gets kind of creepy after a certain age for a lot of people. It gets, it's sad. It's weird how people just deteriorate. Well, I'm not deteriorate. Well, not you. But no.

But listen, that deterioration process, you have two choices. You can let yourself deteriorate it. You can do something about it. You follow me, man. I mean, I've never had it, but I can't imagine what it's like to lose the will to live. I want to live every day. As bad as my life was, there was something,

I knew that there was something over the fucking hill. That's the only way I could describe it. When you get up in the morning and you realize where you're at and then you start thinking about your life, and right before you fucking go into a fucking coma of depression, you fucking look up. And it's like there's something over the hill

and you're running the shower. And when you're in the shower, you give yourself that confidence. But I can't imagine what it's, like not to have the will to live, not to have the will, and it's not about money. I know people who have millions of dollars that they lose the will to live. And I just always thought life was fucking great. Like, I don't matter how bad it was, I never saw it.

And I got to tell you, I felt bad a lot of times in my life. I'm not going to fucking sit here and tell you that there was years. I didn't know what the next level was. So when you were homeless, you didn't feel that way? When I was homeless doing all that shit, I got to tell you, I knew that I was putting myself in this position. But part of it wasn't that I wanted to do it, Lee. It was that this is where I wanted to be. I didn't think I was good enough to do that other stuff.

So it's that complicated for you. When you say that... Listen, half the Coke I did, I didn't want it. do after shit I did do you think I really wanted to fucking break into some of these house I didn't want to fucking do that at all it was it was 19 or 20 factors I could have got a job leave I'm capable man don't let me fucking bullshit yeah I don't have a college educated I don't use big words but you take me into your office and you give me a week or two and I'll figure out what the fuck you're doing and all that four

years of college you went to school for you're gonna go boy was i stupid you're following me i mean you really have to think of all the things you could do and learn on your own if you really have the desire to do it if you really want to be a fucking camera guy you know and okay joey but i only make two dollars a week at my sandwich place then you put away for 25 dollars and you get yourself a hundred and fifty dollar camera and you just start shoot you know what i'm saying when you really think about it. There's so many things that you really could be doing if you really wanted to do them. That's, I think that's the hardest part, though. And that when I say I have anxiety,

a lot of it comes from starting shit. Once I start something, I'm good. But I'll go back and forth. It started when I was a kid with homework. It continues now with my professional, a lot of professional stuff. I'll... Well, I'm going to tell you something. That's really funny. You mentioned homework. When I got out of Catholic school, you had a certain time. to do homework. So I was pretty much trained. Okay. You had a, I think you had like a five to six thirty was homework and then you ate dinner or you ate dinner and did homework. Don't quote me on this. I don't know exactly what the thing would.

So I went to sixth grade in North Bergen and in those days, I used since I had been brutalized to do homework between a certain aisle. I would do homework at night before I went to bed. Just because fuck them. Fuck the nuns. Fuck the nuns. Yeah. But then, when I was, I would have to do not. when I got left back. I always did my homework first and got it over.

Even those years I was at North Bergen and my mom had died and I would do acid with those guys after school. If I had a project, I would go to school early and do homework at school. Just go to the cafeteria, sit there by myself. I wouldn't even go to study because then people would see me. You know, if Lee got out of school, I think it was 238, and the last class went until 234. I used to go to school at 7, but I'd get out at 12, 15 every day

because I was part of the CIA work study program. So you got 15 credits to work. Oh, nice. Yeah. Getting out at noon every day? Yeah. So sometimes I would just call the lumberyard and go, I'm not going to be there until 3. I knew I was going to do acid that night.

So right at 12, 15, I'd get my books, and I'd run to the cafeteria. or somewhere that nobody could see me and I do my fucking homework and I just leave it in the locker. That's how organized I got. Even just getting the fact of getting left back, I never procrastinated it with schoolwork again. Even when I enrolled later on at Colorado Mountain College

and I started going to see you at night and all that shit, I never procrastinated homework and it still sticks with me today. Like this podcast sheet gets prepped Sunday. For the whole week? Yeah, except for the names for the shoutouts. Wow. Okay, everything gets programmed because I like my homework. You got to have homework.

And just get it done. Listen, you have a chance. We got to do something, do it and get it over it. Yeah. And I didn't learn that from fucking nobody. You know what I learned that on? Sanford and son. Fred Sanford told Lamont one time.

When you got to do something, do it and get it over it. That's why I call it work. It's not easy. They call it work. They call all this shit work for a reason. Do you ever, it's been going crazy in my mind. It's work. I was pretty lucky in school.

I would do the homework. But for tests and for all that stuff, really, I would study a little bit, maybe, but I could pretty much do nothing and get it be. And I really think it fuck with me. I think it hurt me in life. Because, and it's not like, it's not like my parents were sitting, like, oh, you're the best.

I'm sure they did that a little bit. it, but I honestly think me not having to put the work in back then has really held me back in work. Because I still sometimes take a long time to get started or I'll put something off. If I know I have until 3 o'clock on Thursday, I'll wait until 1.30 on Thursday rather than finishing it on Monday for no reason. It'll take me a few days to get started and stuff. In the meantime, I'll make notes.

And that's the excuse I'll give myself. So I'll make notes at least so when I sit down I could start doing whatever the fuck I got to do Taking care of the shit in front of you is so important Being on top of your schedule is so important And I could tell you this from not having a schedule to being on top of it It's two different fucking worlds Sometimes it's too creepy Like it's too creepy because you tell too much to your schedule

But it's not bad in a way because it makes you be more productive with your day Well, I would imagine it, and if you're going from no schedule to a schedule, you might overshoot a little bit and then just have to dial it back. Somewhere like a happy medium between being scheduled and then having some free time. I try to break everything into two hour chunks. Okay. I'll write for two hours. I'll do business for two hours. I'll go to Jitsu for two hours.

I'll come back and write for two hours. Then I'll talk to my wife for an hour, see what's going on with the house, look at the mail with her, talk to her about this or that. you know, you have to keep evolving. I can't sit at one place for that long. I know when I sit down in the morning, what I got to do on the computer. And there's times I'm doing four fucking things at once. That's the beauty of the computer.

I could be answering emails on Facebook, sending emails on hot mail, quitting the bitch and fucking answering g-mails. Yeah, absolutely. You know, it's so weird that's how I'm going to add a notebook in front of me. With the earphones on, listen to music. And the notebook has jokes, but the other notebook is the people I got to contact them why. And then on the back of that page, I write that I contacted them with the result and what happened.

This is all at once. So I'm juggling six fucking things. I'm on Facebook writing, suck my dick. It's Wednesday. Then I'm on YouTube blasting a song. Then I go over to fucking Hotmail. I answer this fucking Momo. Then I go over to Twitter and write that out.

and answer three people there and then from there I take that to the notebook and I go that dude just gave me a fucking joke by mistake and I write it down the notes and I try to make it funny and then on top of all that I look at the other notebook and I go holy shit I got to call Andrea. I think that's brilliant because here's here's an issue I have you've been you were big on me for a while to make sure you tweet and Facebook at least once a day like I'm trying to get better at it so in the mornings I sit down and I try to think about what I want to say but a lot of times if I'm stuck on what I want to say, I'll just sit there and do nothing.

And you've set it forever. I have to have two notebooks. Have a couple things open. Get up, take a shower. Once you're dead, you're dead. You're in no position to sit anywhere for a fucking hour. You're 26 years old. You can't sit there staring out into the world looking like a fucking mo-mo.

You've got to get up. Right there, when you stall, go in the shower. Right there, when you store, you should be hitting the balcony, hitting that pipe. Okay. And shooting into the shower. And by the time you get out of the shower, you'll have something to say. and you just did three birds at one stone. That's how productive you were, all in one fucking loop.

So you get up in the computer, go in the back, and put the hot water on only. That's it. Hot water on only. Close that fucking door. Go out to that backyard and hit that motherfucker tututs. Put that down and go in there now and put the cold water on so the fucking floor gets nice and hot for your feet. And now you get in there and you got steamed to open up your paws. and then you put the cold water on.

Fuck you and your drought. If it takes eight minutes to smoke the bowl, it takes eight minutes. If it takes ten seconds, whatever. It looks like fucking some hippie don't take a shower today. Big deal. He ain't missing water.

So by the time you go back in there and eight minutes, it's steamed. Right. You go in there, you get your fucking lufel. You could shave, do everything in one fucking shot. And usually, if you have the smoothie early, by the time you're doing the Twitter,

you got a shit. So now you smoke dope. You sit on the throne. It's steamy in there. The problem with hot air and shit is it thickens in there. It's not good. It lurks in there like a fucking herpes. It larks for a little while.

But you flush it. You give that fucking shit water. You let the hot water turn cold for a minute. And now you killed eight birds at once done. You fucking smoked, took a shit, made a smoothie. Wash out with shaved, shampoo. You put cream on your legs. You clean out your ears with the Q-tips.

You put vizine in your right. boss, nobody knows your fucking stone. You know, your glisterine, you know. This is all right there. By the time I get out of the shower, my clothes are on the fucking bed. Lee, I already got the clothes. On the way in to smoke, that's what I did. I took a pair of shorts out socks and I threw them across to the fucking bed.

That's productivity in your fucking day. I think multitasking has got a bad rap recently. It's a fuck. It's a fucking rap. It got a bad rap. Who? By fucking people who are lazy. That's not multitasking.

That's being productive. That's not going any direction without an empty hand. That's what that's called. Not making a move without an empty hand. Why am I making this move all the way over there without an empty hand for? What can I take to the fucking kitchen? This glass that's been sitting here for three fucking weeks? Right, yeah.

So now I got a plan. As soon as I got up, I got a fucking plan. I'm going to go into that kitchen, eat whatever. Boom. Back to the bathroom, put the hot water on, out, smoke, go back. Shit, boom. By the time I get out, clothes, everything is ready to go. That's called productivity.

And if you can't do that in your house, how the fuck are you going to do it at work? Right. How are you going to do it at work? Who the fuck says multitasking is multitasking because I tell you what happens to people. A, they multitask without a list. Like my wife. They multitask without a lift, a list, or being prepared to that multitask. Why is the list so important?

Because it follows you. You follow to the blueprint. So it makes the multitask a lot fucking easier. What do you think? I could just juggle three fucking balls? No, but if I write every move, if I know every move when I get up, that multitask, I just saved fucking two hours of labor.

And is it because people get like, oh, I'm so busy. I can't spend 10 minutes and write a list, but that list wouldn't save them three hours? That list is what you do at night before you go to. bed or that morning while you're drinking your coffee. Again, you're multitasking. You're not just sitting there. You ever see people drink coffee and smoke a cigarette and look out into the horizon.

You know what's it on your balcony? No. I always wanted to see somebody just a bullet going to their head and they fall backwards. If you're sitting there, even the fucking, like, I didn't, listen, I don't know nothing about nothing, dog. I don't know nothing about nothing. But I didn't know one thing. When I started doing comedy, I would wake up in the morning, I'd be angry.

Okay. And sometimes I'd be sad, and sometimes I'd be anxious. I don't know. This happened like in 1994. And one day, I shopped with a notebook. I don't fucking know. And I woke up every morning, and I wrote Tuesday, June 21st. By this time, I wasn't even sharp enough to write.

It's a beautiful day to be a lot. I would say it to myself from time to time, but I didn't believe it, you know. And I would just write what I woke up with. Oh, my God, Lee, when you read that notebook a week later, you're just draining what's in there. Cut two, two years later, I'm dating this chick, and she's telling me about the writer's way or whatever. And that's what they're supposed to do in the morning. I didn't cheat. I didn't copy from them.

I was doing this two years before I met this fucking brother. So you just write all the thoughts that were on your head from the day before? Yeah. And those thoughts turn into your schedule. So how many thoughts you got? I want to fuck Paula. I got to take Philly to the cat. I got to do something about my mom and I got to do something about my dad.

You know, I got to do this. I got to do that. And then all of a sudden you ran another line and go, okay. What time is it? And you're still drinking your coffee. You're still drinking your coffee. Now, you already should have the anchors for you your day. You should have had an anchor in there written on Sunday.

there's got to be something in there for Thursday when you open up that notebook that you wrote it on Sunday it's got to be an anchor what if you have nothing what do you put down you better put down fucking you're gonna do something what the fuck are you gonna do you better put something down there's got to be something you can fucking do so even if it's on an appointment just do something

12 o'clock BJJ okay got it if there's nothing on that fucking last night but 12 o'clock BJJ and you put right one hour You could do that. And look around your room. There's got to be something you can fucking do to fix your desk or to make yourself more efficient. So if you don't have something, you give yourself something. From 9 to 5, you never have the power to watch TV.

That's for ammages. Eight to six, that's the fucking news. That's it. From 8 to 5, you better find something to fucking do. That's something everybody could do. How does this change when you're looking for a job? In which way? Because you don't necessarily have a full 9 to 5 schedule.

But I know there's a lot of people out there who are looking for jobs and are frustrated. There's a lot of people who, whenever you hear, look, the... How does this find... How does this look when you find the job? Yeah. If I was 26, I'd be up at 6 in the fucking morning every morning. Okay. I'd be up at 6 in the morning.

Those websites, they work. But you got to take it a little deeper. Those guys get 2 million dollars in resumes a morning. They don't really have time to look at everybody. This is where people say, well, you need to have connections. No, you need to make connections. And how you make connections is by stop being fucking lazy. See where the office is.

See where the HR offices. Everybody has an HR office. Every fucking big corporation that you want to work today has to have a, what do they call that? Human Resources. Human Resources Office. I want to get down there. I want to know who makes the decisions and I ain't got time to email something. But they said don't come.

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck with the. They tell you want a fucking job, right? Right. You got a show down there. Did you not read the memo? You're not supposed to come down here? No.

My brother Joey Diaz told me that they were looking and just come down and see somebody named Samantha. Who's Samantha? Right away, you got conversation. Right away, you got conversation. You just make up a name? Oh, yeah. My friend Peter Patelo told me to come down here and see Samantha. But wait a second.

How did you find out? I'm a college graduate. I've been looking for a job. You're just selling yourself back. You got one minute. it to talk talk talk you're a dummy you're not really a dummy i don't get i don't care i don't care if you're a fucking a chemist from harvard right there you're playing a dummy my friend mike jrera mike jr mike jesus told me he's a fucked up jew just start talking start talking i name is saranth i just want to drop

this off you mean rebecca boom oh i'm sorry yeah and let me put rebecca on there guess who's getting a call tomorrow at ten o'clock in the morning Rebecca and fuck there you go yeah that's brilliant there you go what's the fucking big and then you're there they get the job because you're there I swear to my mother's grave into all the views that are watching I'm a worthless piece of shit at the age of 25 what I'm about to tell you people might even make me cry

I was a worthless piece of shit at the age of 25 I couldn't be trusted I couldn't do nothing but that was one thing I could do was get a job fake references Names, guys, I can't do much. I'm telling you right now, if you listen to this podcast in the beginning, I was a plumber eight times, I was an electrician, I was a hard carrier, I was a carpenter's helper, I was a car salesman, I worked at a body shop,

I worked at the shoe store, I worked at Benegans, I was a fucking cook for two hours, you know, I worked at gas stations, I worked at the fucking meat place. Guys, do you understand me? I'm a fucking stiff. But what kept me alive was the ability to walk into these motherfuckers' office, and you got one minute to sell yourself. Did you just see what I just did, looking for Samantha? Who's Samantha?

The lady who hired is here? You mean Rebecca? Oh, there you go. I didn't even do nothing. And do you do, like, the thing where you don't answer their questions. Do you just keep talking? Because, like, I would get nervous. Like, oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

You're not going to keep talking. I mean, like, a fucking moron. Sorry about that, people. You're not going to keep talking like a fucking moron, but you're going to keep talking that you're panicking, a little panic, you're embarrassed. This is really embarrassing you. You were told something,

and that's not the case. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I am flabbergasted. Nikki Toledo told me to come here and give Samantha. This is after you know it's Rebecca. Okay? This is even after you know it's Rebecca.

You drop another. Samantha honor and now she tells you the last name you mean Samantha Cochran yeah okay there you go oh my god you got a website info you got an email on the website here you go but if you don't do that seat and now you're going you're listening going Joey that's not going to get you the job it's not but if you do 10 of those you got a better chance of just clicking that thing on the internet i worked for a pretty big production company this guy just walked in around the office park one day with resumes and he got hired. Yeah.

It turned out he was an idiot. Because we've forgotten. Well, that idiot knows how to get a job. I just told you. He got the job. Yeah. By you're at home fascinating over your degree and what your parents paid and the loans you took and you're feathering your asshole. You've got to really think about what you're qualified for, and especially in today's economy.

So you got to lower your standards a little bit and you got to do shit that they might not be able to do. Listen, I just told you this story about human. resources from what I've heard. Yeah. You know, when I was going to places, you dealt with a manager. Okay. So, Lee Syrac calls me up, and he says, listen, Joey, they're looking for my sister works at the Sheridan Center. They're looking for bartenders for the front.

No shit. Okay. What do you do, Lee? What do I do? I go and I try to find a manager who's working, probably during off hours. So I can introduce myself and try to get a job. The manager, you're going to go to HR. For bartender, I would probably go to, I would think, manager.

Go to the manager first. Okay, but eight, you're... Maybe become friends at the bartender. Maybe go work the bartender first. Go and get a soda because he could be the manager. Give it nice tip. No, just talk to him. How you doing this?

Can I ask you a question? Again, I just worked at fucking this place for, eight years. I'm looking for a job. My friend Nicky Delugo. Who's Nicky DeLugo? I have no idea. Doesn't really matter who he is. Nine of the ten times people look at you and go, oh yeah. I know Nick

and you're sitting there going. Because they don't want to be embarrassed and forget somebody? Yeah. So you don't have an idea. Just make up a name. Pete Rose. Really? Oh my God. I love Pete. Listen, you guys looking for part-time. I love to work here. I'm really good with crowd. Whatever. Now, listen, come back and

three three there you go there you go you give the guy the friend now when you walk in he's gonna go over and said this guy worked at the regency hotel for six years he knows backwards how do you know because he came in here early looking for you and he tip looking at look how's nice his shoes are shined you're looking for a job if you're looking for a job making eight dollars an hour you don't have to shine your shoes well if you're looking for a job making over sixty thousand dollars a two hundred fifty thousand dollars your shoes better get chined every time you leave the house because I'm a bum from the street and that's the first thing I look at. Really? You look at shoes. First thing I look at. If you don't have time to shine two

pieces of fucking thing, why would I want you working for me? And we've spoken about it before, but that's weird in this town. LA's like, you know, you never dress up for job interviews here. That's why you don't get the job. Right. Well, you know, I would agree with you mostly, but in LA, I've been to places where people, like, laugh at people who dress up here. You have to half dress. You have to half-dress. You have to half-ass. You have to half-ass. dress okay you're not gonna wear a suit with a fucking tie to you know but a light jacket with a shirt that's open and shiny shoes with a belt that matches the shoes just something to let them know you know you can't get a ten thousand

dollar check with a ten dollar presentation did you see that special we shot First of all, the special, my materials suck, my timing sucked. But the first thing that sucked was what our man Larry said, the wardrobe. I look like a bum from the street. Now, in my personal life, I like to look like a bum from the street. I don't want people to get confused. I'm not that guy. I'm not going to put on a Versace's suit and walk around to make you feel bad.

Okay. Okay, I am who the fuck I am. I got, you know how many pairs of new Adidas I got in my fucking closet? Up in the top shelf? How many? Four. Brand new in the box I get from Amazon. Look at the ones I got on.

Hold, yeah. Okay. My socks are clean. My shorts are brand new. The T-shirts, I just bought at the Fat Man Store. But do you understand, I don't ever want to give people an illusion that I'm, and I don't need to dress in a fucking polyester suit or whatever. I got suits.

I got shirts. But when you go for a job, okay, last fucking Monday. I went to meet with these guys. I know these guys. I went to meet them at arts. Okay. You know what I had on? What do you have on?

A pair of jeans, a little hole in the back pocket, a t-shirt with these sturdy sneakers. Do you know what? I was supposed to leave the house at fucking 9-10, at 9-15. I was putting on iron jeans with a nice shirt I just got and brand-new Adidas. I put my rings on. I put my chain on.

I put my head through down there. You know what? I'm doing that show tomorrow night, and I got a meeting with time. next Tuesday. Because if you don't feel good, and guys, I didn't know this till later on either. But if you don't feel good,

you're not going to fucking... Yeah, how different did you feel from the... Tremendous. I had the confidence of a thousand. You know, I went there looking like Charles Bronson, I'm going to go to that dress like Charles Bronson. Why? Who am I, Charles Bronson?

No. You got to dress nice. And even if they're dressed like fucking bums, you dress a little better than them and you're out dressing. If your sneakers are white and cloth. You know if your pants are ironed if you don't have a stain I had a stain on my shirt and I had it a special Right yeah a stain on my shirt. Do you know what that's like? Just take that film and burn it I mean the film those guys ain't never gonna send it back. There's been eight months

Right yeah They won't clean it up and send it back to you in a month that's never gonna fucking I knew how to get a job even today when I go to audition for a movie I'm not better than half of these guys look at my face look like a fucking bus hit it But when I walk in there, Jack, I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. I know my lines. I've done it 18 times where I walk around. I know exactly how I would answer the door, how I would turn the light bulb off,

what a hand I would do it with. That shows me prepared, man. Did I fucking know this at 22? I knew half of it. I knew half of it. How long did it take for the rest of the half to come in? 20 years. I have to give you credit, man.

I brought donuts to an appointment I had yesterday. And it fucking... Okay. So... It fucking blew the room out. Okay. See, you could have been a real douchebag. I mean, listen.

That... I think I mentioned that last week. The guy around here with the convertible... I see a convertible BMW. I see a fucking douchebag. Yeah. All right. But I see a...

I see a nice guy. Okay. Now, I'm against this, too. Guys, in fact, next week, when I come back, I got to really take care of it. living in that fucking thing over there with those trees destroys my car. I can't wash my car enough.

Then I get in there with the karate fucking... Listen, at Jiu-Jit-2, I always take my pants off in the underwear and I dry and I wipe my ass. Then I put my shorts on. That's how fucking particular I had about that. I never go in that fucking thing with rotten ass. Yesterday, it was so hot that I actually went in there. My t-shirt was still wet, and it was a brand-new t-shirt.

It was amazing. So today I took it to get clean, and I washed it, and I hand-washed it. It and the whole thing and I'm looking at the fucking car and I'm like how many fucking birds of shit in this thing? You know? Right. That's it. I got to turn it anyway. My wife's got to turn her and my wife's going to fucking kill me with that lease. So it doesn't really matter, but the point of situation is you have a nice call. Yeah. Tell them what you drive. I had Volkswagen Jenna. Okay. Some people are sitting there going VW. Fuck you leave. It's a cheap car. A fuck you. That car sparkles. So here's Lee pulling up with his little VW. Now Lee could have been an asshole.

Lee could have been, what's the word people use when you're a fucking fake fuck? You could have gone and got lattes from Starbucks. Because I love this tea from Africa. And you know what? It's funny. Someone when I went and asked me, are those from Sprinkles? Like the cupcake place that's $20 for $4. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck you and Sprinkling. These are handmade from some badass men. Mexican motherfuckers that don't fuck around. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. But you know what, Lee? You set your mark and you enforced it. You went in there with the donuts you believed that were good.

You had your suit on. You walked in there with confidence. It was just a couple things that gave you that comment. Listen, just because you don't have confidence or you don't think you have confidence, there's things you could do that get you so excited that the confidence comes naturally. Did you notice that yesterday? Oh, yeah, as soon as they got excited. There you go.

And when I say I don't have any confidence, I'm miss speaking, I think if you listen to episode number one of this, that would be more. Well, nobody has confidence. Everybody. It seems like you do. When I was a kid, I was a half a fagger. I had a hit in the head with a lunchbox that changed me for who I am. PTSD and full effect, you know what I'm saying? If anybody got PTSD as me, that lunchbox hit me and changed me forever, I started eating meat and shit and chicken delivered.

Before that was a half a fucked up kid, man. My dad died. But confident sometimes is a new pair of shoes. Yeah. Is your shirt ironed? Is your hair trimmed? My fucking fingers are fucking disgusting. Next week we're both going for fucking manicures.

I can't finger bank confidently. I looked at my fingers about two weeks ago. I'm like, who would let me finger these? I don't have fungi nail. I don't have the Mickey Rourke fingers. The fingers of death, you ever see Mickey Rourke's fingernails? No.

He's got what I got on my toe on his fingernail. Oh, no. He's got fungi nail on his toes, on his hands. That's not good. I have just fucking fingernails that, you know, I've had chlamydia on these fingers. This fingernail had the herp. This one had fucking.

Each one of the different. Oh, please. These fankin hands are disgusting. I looked at them the other than my hands are still soft. You know, I put cream on him and shit. But look at these, you know, you can't get a nice job with dirty things. My finger's not dirty people. My cuticles are out.

They're not, what do you call that? When you polish them, whatever, when you put the fucking thing on them, you know, you file them. This fucking morning. I don't know what those. You're looking at me. Did anyone else know what that, man? Sure. Listen, you want a job making $60,000.

You can't walk in there with dirty fucking hands. There's little things that different people look at. There's nothing that grosses me up more than finger. Long fingernails. If you finger everybody has their own private idol. Long fingernail. Why take the chance? Let's pretend I don't give a fuck of your shoes or clown shoes, but your hands better be sharp.

I had a friend told me that he wouldn't hire anybody unless they had a watch. How's that one for you? That's fucked up. I don't care. I don't wear a watch. He was a fucking general manager. I'm an accounting firm in Jersey. I knew this guy forever.

Talk to him to about eight years ago. He married. He moved to fucking Nantucket. It's over. But he told me. At every fucking, he goes, I've never been, every one of his employees lasted over 20 years because he always made sure they had to watch.

If somebody came into an interview without a watch, he would not hire him. How fucking, that's racism. That's prejudice, you don't even know. I've never had, I've had watches. I just can't put them on. I was looking at a watch I had the other day. It's so many little things when you're trying to look for a job.

But guess what, Lee? anything beats sitting there and pressing that button and really thinking that somebody's going to contact you. Now, a lot of people on going, Joey, you're completely wrong. I got a job offline. I didn't say that. I'm just saying I'm upping your eyes a little bit. If I see a fucking joke that I really want, do you have any idea? You get excited about it?

Oh, my God. When I was a kid, I'd look at that paper every day. I was one of those people that had a job, and after about a week, I'm like, there's got to be something better. Maybe I'll be a dry wall. And I would quit this, and I would get an apprenticeship with a drywall company, 30 days, eight bucks an hour after you go up to 12. You know, I knew how to fucking wrap these people, because people always want to teach.

Okay? So that's how I would always get a job in construction. Because people, people like teaching their craft? I set them up. I don't lease I had Joey Dias. Listen, I really want to be a, I'm looking for the job as a hard carry. Have you ever been a hot carry before?

Not really. But my father, his uncle, was a hot carry. He told me what I had to do. I had to mix sand, 16 scoops into each bag of concrete. I got to have your brick ready for you. Why do you want to be a hotie, Lee? You're going to school. You know what?

I really don't want to go to school. I like brick. I've always been interested in brick. And everybody says you're the best brick. You're the best brick mason. So let's make a deal. Let's do this. Instead of paying me 10, pay me 8, and teach me your course.

Teach me what you know. Eight out of 10 people will hire you because you just paid them a tremendous compliment. You told them they were the best and you wanted to learn from them. That person's going to hire you. Even if you don't know, if you've never heard about this guy before. And even if they don't hire you, maybe they'll tell someone else. Yeah. Like that's a big thing.

Like when people say connections, I think it's just you meet people. Guys, I was in San Francisco. I had no fucking, I walked into a biggest Mexican restaurant looking for a bartender job. The guy gave it to the sheet to another guy. The guy looked at it. He took me aside. He goes, you know, my name is Jose Diaz, and I'm Cuban too. And we started talking.

He goes, if you want to wait a couple weeks, I'll give you a job. But I get your job right now. Right now, go to Rock and Robbins on Haydashbury. Boom, I got a fucking job. You know what time I walked into that place that morning? What time? $7.59. I knew it opened at 11.

But in those days, it didn't matter if the fucking place opened at 11 or 12. I made myself leave the house at 7.30. That's the other part of leaving of getting a job. There are so many fucking aspects that you have to do. And that's the number one on fucking any list that you see. You either got an A, be up early and get a jump on the morning, or B, get the fuck out of the house. Both of those are the most important thing in your fucking day.

And you ask Trump, you ask anybody who's made, fortunes in this fucking nobody sleeps past fucking six they want to be up they want to be alive they want to be kicking not only that you want to be moving at eight o'clock i want to be i want to ask you a fucking history question and i expect you to fucking say the whole thing bound by bound 1696 that's how clear-headed you are because even if you're not you have to make yourself that way so it has nothing to do with like them or the other people getting being there first you just for you you want to be at attention, as you say, like right away. It's all the whole thing.

That's what you don't have confidence. Get up at six. You'll have confidence. You'll have confidence because you'll talk yourself into the confidence by the time you walk into the guy's fucking office at 10 o'clock to ask him for a job or her for a job. Everything, man. Everything is based on enthusiasm. I could tell when I'm enthusiastic about the set or I could tell when you saw at the

comedy stole last Tuesday when I died dead. I didn't want to be there. I was half dead. On Tuesdays, I'm still fucking dead. And you can't sec yourself up into it? Sometimes you can. You know me? Nine and a half out of ten times. I psyched myself up to go into the mouth of the

fucking deline. I don't give a fuck. But that was that one percentage that night. And then for those people who don't want to get out of bed or whatever, it's tough then. It's even harder. Listen, there's a big, There's a word that I always have in the back of my mind.

You know, you grow up. I have a daughter. I look at my daughter. I see that girl from Marie ETC. Okay, she's 16, whatever the fuck she is. Not the best-looking kid in the world, but a heart of gold. She was goofing with us the other day.

My wife made a fucking remark, because that's how my wife is, and Becky giggled, whatever. I didn't think it was funny because I thought of her as my daughter anyway. I go over to the jit-to there she is again. She's the fucking waitress over there. These are these kids that are fucking working, you know?

I'm so high. I forgot my point, Lisa. The waitress at Marie-T. No, I know, I know. Like, you know. Oh, not wanting to get out of bed? Not wanting to get out of bed. Now you see a kid like this.

At this kid's 16, 17, she got two fucking jobs. She knows the way of the world. I don't know what her parents do, but the parents are preparing her. And they made it take a bus. I saw it get off the Magnolia bus. Okay? That means she goes right from Marie E.T. Straight to fucking victory in Magnolia.

You know what I'm saying? On the way the flappers? Right, yeah. That's the education of a lifetime for that child. That child's going to be independent. Do I have the balls to do that with Mercy? Not in a million fucking years. I think she'll have a job at 15, 16.

Listen, no, no, you're not getting the point. Okay. Do I have the fucking, do I want to be on victory and get out into my car and see Mercy getting out of a fucking ball? bus at 15, 16. Right. Not in a million years, but guess what? For her to succeed in this life, she has to do those little things at that age.

That gives college a better taste. That gives so many fucking things a better taste. You know, like it tastes a lot better if you have your own money at that time. I wasn't achievers kid, but I was moving around at 16, Jack. And when I mean moving around, I was moving around. I was taking buses into the city. I was going on the bus with Greg Horrenda, the five-star basketball camp. You know, in the eighth grade, in the eighth grade, we took a bus to see the New Jersey Nets in Piscataway.

We had to take a bus to New York first. They had a connecting bus to fucking Piscataway. I knew my way around there. When I was a sophomore in high school, when I was a freshman in high school, we'd all take buses down the shore. 16 of us. I knew how to get my way around, you know. I want my daughter to have the same. Tonight she was threatening to leave.

So she took my computer back. Yeah. Yeah, she took my computer bag. She filled it up with t-shirts. I asked her if she had tickets. I gave her a dollar bill. And when I left, she was sitting waiting for the bus on the balcony of my wife. My wife actually got the press.

I'm like, she's fucking. It's a game, Terry. I ran away a thousand times with Oreos. She was running away. She had no food. Who's picking you up? She made up some name Kristen's picking me up. Okay.

My cousin Kristen's picking out. But you, I don't understand. What I'm seeing more and more what I hear more and more. Hey, listen, the other thing is there's not that many jobs guys No, especially because you said lowering your Well, listen, there's people who are taking lower jobs and they're there's a lot of kids that come out of college and they're very sharp I don't know what the percentage is that they already have you know built Dot com companies coming out of college or whatever they figure out a way to make a living There's a lot of people that have to get a job for us to figure out what the fuck they want to do

you know, because just because you get a job to be a fucking editor, don't mean you want to be an editor when you got out. It's the same way. You know, you still like editing and stuff, and you're still very good at it, but it's different than what you thought or whatever. It doesn't matter. Right, and I thought I knew what I wanted to do.

I thought I did. It turned out not to be the case. How many fucking kids, you think that happens? I think it happens to a lot of kids who had, like, they just quit. Like, if I hadn't met you, I probably would be editing and I'd be happy-ish. But it's, I think a lot of people who will go and just abandon what they went and got their major.

Like there's people now who went to law school who aren't going to be lawyers, Paul says. Like they'll just be like a professor or something else, which is great for them, I guess. But I can't imagine putting all of that work and time and money and just abandoning it. So wait a second. Yeah. You could go to law school, not take the bar. Uh-huh. Yeah.

And you just learn all that information. Yeah, you have a degree, but it just, it's not, you don't have to get registered as a lawyer. I never fucking knew that. You should go. I mean, not exactly where you have the time, but, you know, there's a lot of people who do that, apparently. It would take me six years to get my law degree. And by that time, I'm 59, I can't be a constantly lady through a crime family. Why not?

There's an age limit? Well, by that time, you're out of the fucking system, you know what I'm saying? You don't know what the fuck's going on. So I don't know what the fuck to tell you, Lee. These stars are all right, but the reef is better. Let me give some shoutouts here. Unbelievable. Tuesday night, we're here.

We're hanging out. Lee Syatt. Just regular conversation, too, guys. You know, I love to be filled in on what goes on. I don't know what goes on. And I know that, you know, I know those are my strengths. It's getting a fucking job. I've always been able to fucking put one together doing something.

Bruce McKenna, Anthony Kelly, Ben Grimes, Eric Portwood, Ryan Jacobs, Brendan Baham, Matt Moe, and as always, my main man, Dave Christensen.

Him and Pugsley up in North Carolina. No, what were you saying? I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. Oh, no, that's just the guy you gave the shout out to. Um, I,

I think my lack of confidence, though, it will go in different ways. Like, when I went, when I went to college, it freaked me out that people would knock on your door. I don't like that. Like, I don't like, I'm not a very social person. I don't know. I don't know, man. How many people lack it on my door either? No, sometimes I don't even move.

I just sit there. It depends. It depends. It depends on point of your life you're in. I don't know, like friends. I don't like friends drop. and buy gives me things. I don't know.

You said, told me a couple months ago that, like, you notice that I, I live alone. And it's true. It's absolutely true. I, it's not that I don't like people,

but I don't. You pay the premium to have your space. Some people have, listen, some people, when you're young, you're 20, you're like, yeah, sure,

what the fuck, I live with Lee for fucking 8,250, a month and Joey and also you go take a shit and there's three fucking shits in there before you nobody's flush the toilet the showers a mess you go get that steak sandwich you brought home it's gone the kitchen's got mice in it the living room has beer can you know you everybody establishes that one relationship we've all had it and you last either a week or a year I think I lasted like two fucking weeks then I had a decent roommate for a while that there was always kitchen was clean

that was great. I could have still been living with him because we laughed our asses off every night and we smoked dope and we both watched the same stupid movies and then at the other night he had a girlfriend that come he'd go into one room

at that time I didn't have a girlfriend I'd go into the other, listen to them fuck and I'd have bang one out and I'd go to sleep, that's it. But then there's people but if it wasn't him, I couldn't have somebody else.

I know how I am. I know the type of person I am. Even my wife. My wife creeps up on me from time to time. It drives me fucking crazy. But my issue isn't really with, like, it is sometimes with that. But, and I still, I do something that's really, I don't think I've ever told anyone. Like, when I, if I leave a room and I close a door, I sit there, I'm like, I, like, what are they going to say about me?

Like, that's always my main mentality. Even in the house by yourself? Not in the house by myself. If this has happened by yourself, what's going on with you? I wake up this morning. sprinklers on your face are you fucking losing it over here these stars killing you you need another star anyway you're like they killing you let me get you know yeah let me get you know what I have seven man I'm on your hand I'm gonna head you're the master disaster

Lisa yeah yeah there you go no I don't do it at the house alone like if I leave like a a room with people in it. A room with people? Yeah. Like if I leave kettlebells. Okay. I'll wait outside the door. I'm like, I just close the door and I expect to hear them saying like, he was terrible.

He's the worst. I hate him. Like I just, I don't know what it is. My brain's crazy. I'm really. Well, I think they say that naturally anyway. Yeah, probably. When I walk around, I'm like, oh, these people fucking don't like me.

But who gives a fuck? That's not the confidence thing. That's just maybe an insecurity thing. Which I have also. I know exactly how it feels to walk around. I just don't put my ear to the door and go, are they saying something? I don't put my ear, but I'll sit there for like 10 seconds. Just be like, hmm, okay, no, okay.

You're a young man. You work hard. You sleep. You're not a criminal by any means. You know, I mean, you're no fucking Clark Gable. You know, what's the guy who crashed in the Fast and the Furious? Oh, um. I mean, you know, Paul Walker.

Yeah. You know, Elvis Presley. I mean, but you're a handsome little fellow. Thank you, sir. A girl called me cute in my building today. That's right. You're a little cute little fucking little dude. So you have no reason to not be confident.

You know, even if you had one eye, you've got to be confident. Have you ever seen anybody that you look at and they have like something physical like myself with the scars or you see another girl like with the red thing on their eyes? that pink on their eyes or you see somebody who's maybe missing a few fingers. Have you ever seen that confidence? Bro, I live next to a girl with no legs. And she, our elevator went out for a couple weeks. They put her in a hotel, but I saw her one day when she came back. She pushed herself up three flights of stairs.

She's amazing. And the confidence, when she walks up to you. Yeah. Shoulders up, shoulder's back. You don't know. You can't really believe that she's doing that. Do you know what I'm saying? You can't really believe that she has that confidence with what is going on in her life.

I've always looked at those people and said, why is that beautiful girl able to walk around with that scar on her face with it, like if it's not on their face? And that's the beauty. I hate when I see somebody who's overweight that you could see is fucking dead like they're sad inside. You ever see them?

They're looking down to like fucking mopes. You know, they're stuck. They're going home at night and they can't stop eating ramen or they can't stop eating something that's really unhealthy for them, you know? It goes back to the clothing thing. When you're that big,

and all you're wearing is Jim shorts and T-shirts. You're like, eh. Oh, my God. It's just a horrible feeling. And then the dawn on you, you know, like we talked about change, like with the comedy. Change is the toughest fucking thing because we think that we might get on to something. You know, Lee, if I go to the gym once a week, I don't know. What do you think?

Oh, well, maybe you might meet somebody nice stuff. No, I'm talking about what could happen from, you know? But that's how it starts. And all of a sudden you go there and you can't believe that this thing. changed you in the way. Like comedy changed me. It took 25 fucking years. It took 15 years, but it changed me. It got me married. It got my life back together. It got me another chance of being a dad. You know, comedy did all that. I stuck it out with it. You got to stick it out with shit. You know, everybody, it doesn't come like just like that. It comes over time and it gets hard.

There's bumps and there's rallies, whatever the fuck. But you go through them, and that's what all of a sudden, you're there. You've arrived where you wanted to be. But I wish it happened. Listen, I wish we had millions of fucking downloads, people in India, listen to us, you know, whatever the fuck it is. But you know what? That's not the way it is. And I'm not angry.

I'm very fortunate for people listen to us. I knew this going in, but we stuck with it. You know, I got a call from two people yesterday. Hey, I want you to come on my new podcast. New podcast. How many fucking podcast do you got? Right. Everybody's got a new fucking podcast.

For a few weeks. It's tough, yeah. And it's like, Lee and I have banged it out over whatever time. Listen, today, I almost didn't do this podcast. Really? At 5.30, I wasn't feeling it. You've never, I don't think you've ever once done that. No.

It's almost 400 episodes. Why do you do that? I didn't feel good this morning. Last night was on the weirdest nights I've had in a long fucking time. In what way? It was hot yesterday, guys. Real hot. And in the daytime, I moved around a lot, and there was a period there where I couldn't stop sweating.

Like I was outside and stuff. I went in, I took a shower, cold water, put new clothes on, bam. That was fine. And I went into the bathroom. And, oh, my God, Lee, I thought I was in a diner sauna. Oh, because the bathroom was so much. I was in there taking a dump. I didn't want to say that, but I'm in there fucking six, seven minutes.

I'm like, Jesus. I don't like opening up the door. The door is three. So then I go outside to do a joint thing, a periscope. And again, I mean, it's blazing out there, guys. The phone almost melted. So I go inside, blah, blah, blah, blah. My wife goes to bed first.

She pops out a lot of way and says I can't sleep in there. It's just too warm. And I'm like, let me go in there and reach it. I got sure enough, the windows three inches up. I closed that. I closed the curtains. I point the fucking things towards the bed. I pour the blanket down.

I pour the fucking blanket down. There's no blanket tonight. It's going to be a sheet. She goes, I'm just going to sleep in the baby's room. Done. I went in there, and I hit the crib of the bar. Fucking a quarter to 11, Jack. Bam.

Don't even remember falling asleep. I wake up around three. And I walk, and it's not hot. but it's not quite cold yet it's cool nobody's sweating but it's not what i'm used to you know what i'm saying not three in the morning so i go out i pee and right of way i just don't feel right not like i'm gonna faint or not like i'm gonna die and nothing like that something i try to tap into the cats they're sleeping i told it was the cats i thought it was the cats i thought the cats were out there hearing at each other they're fucking sleeping so i'm like what is this fucking weird

feeling out here. So I finally put the robe on. I went outside. I drank some water. After a few minutes, I went outside. I smoked a few bowls. That'll be 3.30 in the morning. I'm out there that cough and sparking like a savage. I go back in and I turn the TV on. Don't ask me what was on. Dog, I go back on there at 4 in the morning. It's freezing. The air conditioner was a full blast. I know how to maneuver the air conditioning. My wife don't know how to fuck around with it. There's ways to do different things. I've been working air conditioners all my life.

Yeah, that's why I need the essential year. I slept straight till 7.30, got up, had a smoothie, walked her, did a few things, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I was tired, man. I just didn't feel good. Hit the crib, got up, did some few things again, went back and actually fell asleep again, to a 4-45. So something's going on. Either I'm sick or something's not right.

I had a little rash the other day. Maybe it's ringworm. What the fucking was what this is? There ain't no fucking ringworm. I don't even know what to tell you. That's fucked out. So I was tired. The point being that I got up, I had no appetite.

I went outside, I smoked a little bit, then I got a little appetite I ate. And then after that I said You know what I can't can't because tomorrow there's no way I can't fit it in nowhere I'm from coast to coast My day starts tomorrow at fucking 930 Jack I got some stupid conference call

And I'm the chain, jiu-jitsu drone Boom come back I got a fucking head cut Then from there I had to cancel a fucking dinner So I'm gonna go see a thing at 6 From 6 to 7 It's like let's shoot to the improv And do the living room show

what the fucking, where they don't serve booze, whatever that is. The lab. The lab. Do they serve booze or they don't? I've never been there. What the fuck?

Where you've been? I don't know. They closed it for a while. Okay. You never went there to see this is not happening, taping? Well, by the time I got to see this is not happening, it was in the big room.

There's in the big room. Yeah. So that's what I got to do, so I have no time. Then tomorrow night, Philly, here I come. Rose pork.

Maybe? A rose pork sandwich? No? I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to eat. You got a plan, man. I don't know what's on my neighborhood. I don't know what a hotel I'm going to stay at.

I'm not worried about it. I'm really not worried about it. I don't want no problem or nothing. Would you eat roast pork if you got five sold-out shows? Why take the chance? You need the energy. No, the pork ain't going to give me the energy. Well, if that pork is rotten, then I can't do those five shows.

You follow them? There's no fish the first night. There's none of that. You be very lean the first night. I'll make a protein shake. I'll make my wife make like chicken coutlets. I'll take a few chicken coutlets with me. I'll drink some water at the hotel just to get my bacterials going for the fucking area.

You pack chicken cullets? Sometimes for the flight. You got to pull out of chicken cullet from time to time to throw people off. That sucks. You can't put ketchup on it. You can't bring ketchup and they really think you're fucking crazy. Yeah, tomorrow night, but they'll make chicken coltlets with mashed potatoes. I'll eat a few for breakfast, bring two on the plane with me.

I want to be around. Oh, yeah. I'm a chicken-collar type of motherfucker. They always bread in my day. Now, that gives me confidence. A nice chicken cutlet, cold. You put some salt and pepper on, a little ketchup and just eat it walking around. Nobody knows what's going on.

ketchup? Oh, my God. And you smear it with the fork into little valleys and the chicken cut. Tell it. What the fuck you think you're dealing with a way? You want to go, you fucking... That can't be allowed. Kind of fries.

For all the rules you have, you can't be smearing ketchup on... Tremendous. It's a light smear. I don't dope it up. That's too much sugar. You just get a light smear just to throw the chicken off. For years, you've been eating that shit mixed with mayonnaise at Burger King and all those other places. I don't mix the mayonnaise with the ketchup.

Cetchup goes straight. I don't fucking... Even when I do make... the mayonnaise sandwich. I put mayonnaise and I saved ketchup. You never mix mayonnaise and ketchup. That's McDonald's and all those fucking chains. That's how you're at.

That's how you make the meat sauce. You didn't know that? Why can't you mix it, though? Because that's for animals. You don't want to mix mayonnaise and fucking ketchup and put it on your cheeseburger. I told you that I was putting mayonnaise on my burger and I told my mom and both of you yelled at me.

Oh, yeah, because you're a savage. That's why you poison your dad. He's probably coming with his canteen. He's ready to go down and shit. No one got poison. Nobody puts mayonnaise on their burgers. They do the Wendy's. That's why I was it.

Because they're fucking idiots. Who would eat a burger at fucking Wendy's and get sick? You would. I know. I've never once gone food poisoning. Yes, you do. You don't know it. You don't fucking know what happens.

Those things sit in your stomach and they start eating away your bacteria. And little by little you got little pebbles down there. shit and then you gotta shave your head and walk around and hang out with weird people keep it up those days are over with you're a new fucking man you're throwing kettlebells you're looking good you got a little sun to you i'm still burnt from like a month ago i know that's what i'm you gotta go out you that's when you went on the fucking ferris wheel right no no it's when i went to the beach oh that's right you went to the beach too like you had time to be at the beach johnny mussels over here what beats did you got to

Point in Doom. And what kind of bikini did you put up? A regular wig. Just a long bathing suit? A long wig. Like goes past the knees. I don't wear. I am going to, if I get down to like $150, I am going to wear a speedo.

Did you put sun tan lotion on? Every hour. I put on them before we left. I put it on when we got there. And then every hour. Jump in the water. I did at one point. I made a point of it.

I didn't dunk my head. I couldn't. You got to jump in the water. I'm not mad of you because you jumped on the water. You got to jump in the fucking water. That one's scary, though. I don't even know what mosquito bay is. I just know what you...

Point doom. Point doom, yeah. All right, I don't know. Listen. We ate eight stars tonight. That's point doom. Some beach could suck my dick. You want to point doom coming over?

There's eight fucking stars. Take a chance Columbus did, bitch. What's up, Lisa? What do you got playing this weekend with the old man? Yeah, my dad's coming. I think we'd go get a steak, and then we like going to cigar. Well, I'm just, like, a place with a little chair and smoke a cigar. You want a steak?

Yeah. Where are you taking them for a steak? I don't know. Maybe Morton's. All right. And then what you go? I don't know. I just know that's on the approved your idea list.

Not taking them for lunch. It's 22. Yeah. No, that's a good idea. You get to get the dessert. They get the little potato. You get a little fucking salad. And you look like a hero for 22 bucks.

Right or wrong. That's the lunch special. The power of the lunch special. Tomorrow, you're going to go over to fucking perennial. You're going to sign a little. up you're telling my sense you're going to go in the back and you're going to get you're going to pay a little extra but think how many fucking edibles we get dropped on this every once in a while you got to give a little back you go over there the perennial and try something no forget that go to that fucking place and get

cushy much okay just drop a yardstick tomorrow on cushy months that lasts you all five days the fucking two hundred killed us Right, yeah. And they have the 50s. So you could buy a couple for him, then put another yard stick, and let them take something to go. We'll mail them from it.

We'll get the fucking, we'll get the mule on it. The good plan. It's going to cost you something. See, you might as well go to the Cushy Mart and get the best out of it. Fuck the white chocolate. That's 35 for 500 milligram. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Cushy Mart. Go over to the Sunset Herbel. Tell him Uncle Joey sent you. Bam, get yourself a fucking cushy thing, the 200 milligram. It tastes like fucking dick, but it takes you to the next level. I ain't going to lie to nobody. And then they have the other sizes.

And the other sizes taste good. They're frugier. Oh, I've never tried those sizes. Make sure you get it to 100 because you're in training. Don't let me find out. I'll make them go on a computer. You know, I got the girls. Look at the record.

Yeah, I got the girls on the record over there. But you need to get the fruity ones for your dad. They got 50s and 25s and get them a cheap but you, you know, spend a yard or two. What are you going to do with all that money? What happened if you, if I hate you in the head tomorrow with the chair, he'd die. We don't leave all those millions to under the men. Some fucking half of Jew fund or something. Sure, yeah.

That's the one that half of Jew fund. Stop. We don't leave all those millions you got to. Wolfgang Puck. Wolfgang Puck, that fucking Nazi. That fuck. I'm tired, guys. know what to tell you guys. I'm just trying

to rest up before Philadelphia. How cool is Philly going to be? Philly's going to be cool, but there's 250 animals per show. These people are fucking animals. I love them. I love them with all my heart. Philly's great. But it's 50 minutes of duke in

it out. You're up there throwing fucking punches, my friend. It's a struggle. Five days. It's a real city. It's a real city. You can't go up there throwing no okie-dough jokes and shit. And it's a big deal I mean this is the first time Like that you sold out like a week or two in advance

It's great no they're great Philadelphia's a great city man I grew up in fucking Philadelphia They know the deal They feel it in my fucking heart Don't take much They hear me They fucking hear me

I'm one of their uncles Everybody in their family in Philadelphia Got a crazy uncle like me I don't do anything in the world He's just a little fucking crazy You don't have a crazy uncle? You? That's it?

No, my family's pretty white. They're pretty fucking straight? Yeah. Let smoke some more refund. Then we'll let your motherfuckers go home to your own thing. Tonight was just a mild little podcast, two guys, just talking, talking about what's going on in life, what's affecting him, what's affecting me. I'm getting old, man. you uh my fucking right eye is done

it's done i keep catching myself on the left side it's i'm having a hard time reading the tv from far away the whole fucking thing so yeah i'm not sweating it this go hey you do coke for 27 years shit's gonna break apart you know what i'm saying can you get leasick or something i don't know i obviously didn't work i don't fucking know what's going my dad got he said he likes it you know you're supposed to smoke reefer they say if you smoke Riefer, you got 20-20 vision. That shit ain't working for me, you know what I'm trying?

I've never read that. Yeah, I heard that for years. No-glow-Colm and you've got 20-20 vision. Everybody else fucking walking around with fucking binoculars and their eyeballs. Me, I can't see out of my right fucking eye. So I don't get it, Lee. You got those sheets for me, my brother? Nice, nice conversation you brought up tonight, with.

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This is all right now what I'm doing to my listeners, all right? Right now, ClubW is offering $20 off your first order when you go to ClubW.com slash Joey. Again, it gets even better. I know you hate paying for shipping, so ClubW will actually pay for your shipping on orders of four bottles or more. So take something off your to-do list. Just go to clubw.com slash joey to get $20 of your first order of wine.

All right. This is your 4th of July deal right now. That's clubbw.com slash Joey. I got a phone. You got a phone. You got a car. You know, your day goes here, there. You misplace stuff.

Smart cars, smartphones, smart homes. Technology has made everything smart. But losing your stuff still makes smart people feel really stupid, all right? A tracker makes losing things a thing of the past. Tracker is a coin-sized device that locates misplaced keys, wallets, bags, computers. Anything in seconds. Just bear tracker to the smartphone, attach it to anything, and find its precise location with the tap of a button.

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Listeners of the show get a special 30% off your entire order again. 30% off your entire order. Go to the T-H-E-Tracker.com and at the promo code, Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. The hardest thing you'll ever have to find is there. website. All right. Again, go to thetrakker.com right now and enter promo code church for 30% off your

entire order. Like I said, you'll never lose anything again, all right? Again, that's the tracker.com promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H. Lee, don't sit there so enthusiastic, cuck, suckers, you know what I'm saying? Again, we were talking about confidence and what people need to do and what the people need not to do. Let me tell you something where confidence really starts With your fucking underwear

Sometimes you know what I get sweaty underwear and I feel fucking dirty You go out and talk to people you're switching the dirt You don't wash your ass you put the same underwear on that's disgusting okay And that stuff it just wears and tears your underwear When you say just when you wear the same underwear yeah you save on laundry detergent But you're blowing out that fucking back section with the smell of your ass and funguses And God knows what you got back there I'll even tell you what I got back there But anyway

Whether you're wearing a suit or sweats, you spend 24 hours a day in your underwear. But instead of making a statement like Superman's tights under the everyday clothes, your underwear is probably, you know, boring. Well, guess what? Mionis is here to change that. Every pair of Mionis is made from substantially sourced Molda, a fabric that's twice as soft as cotton. Again, Molda is pronounced Moldau.

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Remember Superman? All right, listen, Miondi's are comfortable as fuck. I wear them under every ghee. I wore them to Jiu-Jitsu. I wear them when I swing kettlebells. You know why? It keeps everything dry. Trust me when I tell you this. So do me a favor.

As far as my little deal with you guys, shipping is free in the U.S. and Canada, and you save up to $8 a pair with the Miandi subscription plan. How about that? Get the subscription or a single pair and get 20% off your first order when you go to meundees.com slash Joey. That's meandies.com slash Joey for 20% off your first order. again, meundees.com

slash Joey. Thank you for listening. Again, on it, Club W. Tracker and Meandies. That's all I got to tell you, you motherfuckers. Like I said,

I'm having surgery, and after that, the little mini tour starts. So I'm going to be at all these places. July 21st, Flappers, which is the back room. It only seats 50. If you want to come out,

it's a nice little time. You see me doing this special from the beginning and working. August 4th at Flappers, August 31st at the Ice House, September 8th at Flappers, September 28th at the Ice House, October 4th at the Comedy Store, and October 11th at the Comedy Store. So take a chance Columbus did, bitches. Come on out. Lee Syed, thank you very much for another fun-filled week. You're always a gentleman and a pleasure to work with. Thank you, sir, and I hope you have a good time in Philly.

Absolutely, so it'd be fucking right. They're going to miss you and shit. You go over and eat yourself to debt. Oh, yeah, next time. I'm not going to let that happen. This show was brought to you by Meandis. Go to Meandies.com slash Joey right now and save 20% off of your first order and shipping is free in the United States and Canada.

And with the Meandi subscription plan, you can save up to $8 a pair. That's meundies.com slash Joey right now. meundies.com slash Joey. This show was also brought to you by Tracker. Never lose anything again with Tracker. Go to theTracker.com and use promo code church to save 30% off of your entire order. That's TheTracker.com promo code church to save 30% off of your entire order.

This show was also brought to you by ClubW. Go to ClubW.com slash Joey right now to get $20 off of your first order. They're also offering our listeners that they will pay for your shipping with orders of four bottles or more. How great is that? If you order four bottles and more, ClubW is going to pay for your shipping. So just go to clubbw.com slash joey right now to get $20 off of your first order. Clubbw.com slash Joey. And the show is, as always, brought to you by Onit.com.

Go to Onet.com and use promo code church to save 10% on all their great options. Optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, ShroomTek, Immune, and ShroomTexport. When the twilight is gone, and no songbirds are singing, when the twilight is gone, you come into my heart, and here in my heart you will stay. Why pray?

Of the day that's divine. Rapture, close to mine, be the same.