The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #393 - Jimmy Shubert

Episode Date: June 30, 2016

Jimmy Shubert, comedian and actor seen on "Last Comic Standing" and "The King Of Queens", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/29/2016

Oh, he smokes. This show is brought to you by Datsusara. Go to D.Sgear.com and use code word Joey to get 5% off. They're extremely high quality, functional gear that's made with hemp textiles. They have bags, geese, rash guards, and more like the fanny pack that Joey loves so much. Go to DSgear.com and use code word Joey to save 5%. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of their amazing.

optimization products. They have strong bone, stream tech immune, shroom tech sport, and the famous alpha brain. It's Onit.com, use code word church. There you go. Oh shit. Kick that fucking mulee. I want you to break the fucking speakers.

I want to have to go to the doctor. What is this? What is this? Lee? What am I pen? Kick this shit. This ain't don't Disney channel. Let's go. Get the people excited. Doc sucker. There you go. Motherfuckers. Drop it. Lead.

Cyan. Jimmy Schubert, Joey Diaz, it's a Wednesday night, motherfucker. Let's do this. Cox up this. Lick it, flick it, stick it. Oh shit. Ha ha ha. It's Wednesday night, you fucking poops.

Let's put this fucking night together, huh? Get that mulee. Get that fucking mule. Let's do this shit. This is the SOS band. This was black people. We're black people. They didn't give a fuck about Oscars.

You know what I'm saying? They were just making music playing trams. That's it. And dance. Copsucker, dance. Wednesday, June 29. It's not the way I see it. Oh, shit.

Bond hits the Trump, coxsuffers. Almost electrocuted myself here. Kick a lead. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joe here. The church of what's happening now? You fucking savages out there. Getting ready for the 4th of July weekend and shit.

flags, hot dogs, fat fucking people with tattoos on their cabs. They always got shorts to show you the tattoo on the cat. I give a fuck about that tattoo on your pocket. They're the parrot on your calf. I don't even know what's going on with Chinese people. Usually this time of the year, you see somebody Chinese, they look at you a little weird. You know what I'm saying? Because they got the goods.

That don't happen no more. We were kids. Where did you get firecrackers in Philly? And the Polacks? No. You had to send eight guys to go to Chinatown because he talked to one. Chinese guy. He gave the money to the one Chinese guy, the guy went in an alley,

and he came back and he gave you a bag, and he told him to get the fuck out of Dodge. And by the time you got to the corner, you got to be a Kung Fu fighter, because now four of them popped out of garbage cans and fucking started taking your fire worries back. You know, it's amazing. It was the oldest scam in the book. I said, South Carolina, guys would go down to Florida, they'd come back

and they'd stop in South Carolina. You remember that. You remember that. Dude, there was, I remember. It was a business in the 80s guys. I mean, man, literally, every exit in South Carolina, come get everything. And you could go. And I'm talking a stick of dynamite, Lee. Yeah. Before these fucking ISIS, right there in South Carolina, because the dude, you would, you would talk to the dude and he'd feel you out and you'd drop two or 300. Then you'd look the dude in the eye and you'd say, what's in the van? And he go, man, you ain't no officer of the law, are you? Do I look like a fucking officer of the law? We just smoked a dupe.

What do you got in the fucking van, man? And the guy would take his car keys out on his left hand with two fingers on it. Oh, yeah, yeah. This guy was the real fucking deal. With a hoof and a fucking wood leg And he lost the leg in Vietnam He lost the arm in fucking Iowa I mean these people were real jack And they would have fine fireworks I remember one time we bought a quarter stick of fucking dynamite

Like a stick of like like 80 dollars Like the railroad It's gun blow dynamite what do you use dynamite for We lit it on fire and down the tracks And then we ran like little fangs Remember wrist rockets? Remember those wrist rocket things They were like these things these metal things

that were going and had these two it was like a slingshot Oh yeah Yeah It was a wrist rocking And they came with these men Dude we would put the M80s in there

Pull it back A lady with the cigarette And let it rip And fire boom Over the neighbor The next Just like boom Just that's crazy

You know They put a taboo on fireworks Because just like medical marijuana Just like everything else And like Two retards come along And fuck it up for everybody Right

Fireworks are fucking fun I I play with fireworks. I used to hold the whole pack in my hand and light it until one go off. I just throw it in the air. That's how it's like that I got. He's like, you know, at a barbecue,

a guy to cookout, the guy's been a day drink and he passes out in the lawn chair. You tie him to a shoelace. He light him on fire. And he gets off and starts running. And the fire cagas are on his sneaker. And he's run across the front long. Shops over the fence, runs out in the traffic,

trying to get away from the fireworks. Fireworks are a fucking blast man. But then you get, you know, the fucking uh with uh what's the stick with the rain colors that come out the stee on roman candle the the stick would get hot and melt and people would burn yeah you got you gotta be careful with that stuff you know what i'm fucking hilarious but who was who was it was a new york giant yeah the guy was a defensive line guy was messing around he's still he's still playing he just has three fingers yeah he can still tackle with three fingers get in there

oh it's gruesome my yeah no i saw yeah did he did he did he did the show the hand with no skin on it. It was all bone like this. I mean, what's this? I mean, some people shouldn't mess around with that stuff, but other people can handle it. No, no, and you hear them now, like I've been hearing them at night. A couple people get fucking enthusiastic. In my

old school, you didn't light a fucking firecracker to the fork. And then when you got a couple drinks in you, there was always that bad guy that shot a gun. Tremendous, that's when the party ended. It was always that one kid that smoked cigarettes. He was missing the tooth. He already had a tattoo. He already

quit high school. You know what I'm saying? Like he was just bad news. And he'd show up and go, why are you guys lighting fireworks? Let's just shoot a gun. Who the fuck's got a gun? I got one right here. Bam!

When that was it, we got to go, Doug. This motherfucker showed up with a gun, dude, that type of party. Hey, why would you show up to a gun to a firework party, man? That's crazy. How crazy is it out here? Like, I had never experienced it because it was illegal in my town. I'm like, the town, the town's when I grew up, like, I was just white enough to believe.

I never wouldn't bought illegal anywhere. But, like, the only fireworks were, like, that weekend. I, like, when I first started dating my girlfriend who grew up in Englewood, I would go down there June 15th and they're already lighting fireworks. And they go until, like, August 30th. They go for, like, three months. It's a black neighborhood. Mexicans. Oh, yeah, those fucking great people crazy.

They love all those fireworks and shit. Oh, dude. I was in Shanghai, like, like, in New Year's, New Year's, my friend showed me a video. I came in, like, my buddy, Butch Bradley was over there. And, dude, is he still there? No, he goes over there. Yeah, he does. Where is Butch fucking Brad?

Where in the world is Butch Bradley? He's like, Waldo, where the fuck is? He's all over the place. Dude, these guys, I mean, Kualaumpur, Singapore, Vietnam. I got a buddy of mine, Matt Davis, who's out there. Dude, he was in Mongolia. In fucking Mongolia doing stand-up comedy. I mean, people don't realize, dude, you know, stand-up comedy is kind of uniquely

American art form the way we do it here. And now the Internet's made the world small. Dude, I was in Beijing. I was doing a one-nighter in Beijing, China. I know it's ridiculous, but I had a whole world. A whole bunch of stuff. Yeah, I go to, yeah, I got Ari and Garian, the, you go to Beijing and the place called the bookworm, and you do, like, you know, they have people that speak Chinese. Ni Chen Lovae, Nihama, shesian, they're doing stand-up in Chinese.

And then you got, like, people who do it in English. And this guy, Des Bryant, who was originally from New York, but now he lives in Ireland. But he was over there doing a show trying to learn Chinese and whatnot. But, yeah, it's crazy. I mean, you can tour the world now, legitimately. in our friend Tom Rhodes. The guys out there all over the place. Rome, Italy, France, Amsterdam,

I mean, all over the world. Like, legitimate. I think of something personally. Yeah. I don't want to go nowhere. No, I get it. Listen, when I got into comedy, I looked at the broad spectrum.

I don't know what it was. I looked at the broad spectrum. And I liked doing comedy. I liked the American try. And this is when I had the passport. Yeah. I still was not too fucking. friendly about leaving the country.

I don't know why. It burns me out when somebody comes up to me and says, and I go, who's that guy? He was funny. And I'm like, that's such and such. He's fucking huge in Australia. But he's American. You know, it's like somebody was telling me that Jimmy Jeffries

doesn't sell tickets in Australia. He only sells tickets in America. He sells tickets in America. You know, it's vice versa. But I never understood. I always thought the party was here. I had an understanding from the beginning. I was going to be a stand-up comic. I didn't know about movies or TV.

We were talking about this before this started. Yeah. But there was something I wanted to do. I didn't know what. I thought that the stand-up would lead me to somewhere else, you know? Yeah. And when I got into it, I said, if I'm going to do it, when somebody comes up to me, this is a selfish statement of me.

When somebody comes up to me, like, I had a certain friend of mine that came up to me crying one time. this and this I don't get spots at the store nobody loves me I don't have an agent and then a week later he's telling me how he's going to Belgium for three weeks I go you know it's pilot season yeah you know what what Belgium what are you talking what are you fucking crazy but I I don't say those things no more because it's really none of my business right if you had the choice between being in like a a lower market here let's say Detroit whatever market you want to say not L.A. New York or be like that

and the top market in China. Would you rather be in America? Like, do you think it's more valuable? Dude, there's at 1.8 billion people in China. Dude, even if 10% of those people like you, I mean, you're moving tickets. I mean, but the funny thing is, I only do those trips because, you know, I had been all over the United States. I've been to, you know, I started in Florida. I did some triple runs.

I could go to Detroit for the 10th time or Chicago. for the ninth my brother i'm not here to judge i'm just saying what was going to work for me i don't i feel weird when i go into international waters i don't forget i got a fucking job in 2000 a movie in jamaica i was happy because as soon as i saw those chickens in jamaica and i saw what those people were eating that's where my party ends i don't give a fucking how much reefer they had i got out of there a day i was in jamaica for a day who goes to jamaica for a day uncle joey does yeah i don't feel comfortable. I love to go to Cuba, but I know that fucking anxiety button with it. Yeah, I was, especially if I got to sleep in somebody's house, on a fucking, what's the thing? I got to go. I got to go to

Cuba. I did one of those armed forces entertainment tours, and we toured through South American. I got to go to Guantanamo Bay and do, you know, do shows for the military over there. So you're actually in Cuba. We had Sunday off. They get these pontoon boats. We rent these pontoon boats. We go out into this one area where we're allowed to go. I'm out there swimming, looking for sand dollars smoking as Cuban cigar and drinking beer and we're hanging out with these guys from the military base. So, you know, everything is groovy. And I'm going, I mean, where else? And it was, I think it was Thanksgiving. I mean, it was like a Thanksgiving. We're sitting there. We came back. We ordered some pizzas and we watched the football games. But I'm going, I want to do that stuff before you

can't do that stuff. I mean, you know, I'm in Europe's going to fall. You can't. I was in Brussels and Netherlands. And I was in Kosovo. I was in Venice. And we flew into Munich. And we did a couple weeks in Germany. But I want to see that stuff before you can't see it anymore because eventually the way the world's going. I mean, you know, look, look what happened in this, Istanbul the other day. I don't want to be in an airport like that when that shit happens. I got news for you. God forbid, but listen, it's a cold reality. You know, I was telling the people in, in Philly, because they understand my fucking lingo. They probably let them.

That when I got on a plane, I'm high. It's 625. in the morning you know i smoke on the way of the airport i smoke at the airport and i get sizzled at the house i have breakfast i make a nice very healthy breakfast i have a protein smoothie but to do all that i got to get my appetite going i'm one of those guys that has to have water coffee and then i got to wait an hour to get hungry yeah you know i can't do that because that food at the airport will fucking kill you guys that's bad that food at the fucking airport will kill you guys just the germs in that play would you get off a handrail you know that some kind of you know I get one of these little kids, one of these little carriers walking around.

I've pet of the monkey in a zoo, and now he's got the handrail. You've got the germ. Next to you get flesh-eating bacteria on your left. And these all things are the funny to us, but it's a fucking reality. No, it is. I'm sitting there stone, and all of a sudden, this lady walks on him with the biggest dog gear of a saw in your life. And I'm sitting there thinking to her, how scared can she be?

She has no idea that I've already put it in my mind. Guys like you and I were on the road 20 weeks a year. That's 40 planes without connectors. Okay? If you throw enough spaghetti against the wall, it sticks. Eventually, God forbid, again, we're going to end up getting shot at one of those fucking airports are blown up or a plane will go down because we fly more than the usual person. Yeah. And I know the odds are high against a plane going down.

But look at all these planes going down in Europe. These guys already got the taste for it. These planes just didn't disappear. I love how the media tells you these planes just. disappeared. Really? What happened? Where's the fucking... These planes just didn't disappear. Somebody's shooting these fucking planes down. And you don't want to

scare the airline industry and the tourism industry by saying it, but this is a fucking fact. Do you see what's happening in Brazil? Like, cops and stuff are, like, standing out there? Like, telling people not... Like, telling people that they're not going to get paid. Like, there's not going to be cops for the Olympics? Yeah, this should be a good...

This should be an interesting Olympic game. Some of those people may actually have to do those things. They're going to, like, run, jump, and throw... You know, throw javelins of people just to stay alive. I mean, just the outside change you make a disease virus. Can you imagine going to Rio, one of the dangerous places in the world and there's no comps? Yeah, plus I was reading the story the other day. All the illegals coming across the border to bring in tuberculosis.

And Ricketts is making a comeback because they're bringing all that stuff in from the south of the border. So it's, yeah. Welcome to it, bro. Obviously, it's not. Listen, man, welcome to the 21st century. Nostadamus predicted it. And we're seeing the roots of it fucking get planted. That's all I'm telling you.

here right now. The roots and whatever whatever fucking Nostradamus says, I don't know much about the sayings. I just know that every once in a while you smoke a joint in a hotel on a Thursday night, you stay up a little late and it's a story by Nostradamus on Discovery, and you caught it at 12 32. So you got

28 hours to catch on to whatever Nostradamus said, but by that time they're already saying how much of a genius he was, he foresaw this, he foresaw that, he forsaw this, you know, so now you sit here and if you think about what the fuck he said, these are seeds of it a fucking beast is gonna come out of whatever and who the fuck knows you know yeah

i mean dude it's just am i supposed to believe in nasidamas i don't even know what you know no i yeah dude look like you said you you worry about what you can worry about change your world hopefully it'll change the world but you know we've gotten dumber as a species i mean you look at people right but the zombie apocalypse i'm gonna look around's over here everybody's looking down their cell phone nobody's been got in contact no one's having a conversation you walk through the airport, people are bumping into each other walking at it. He can't pay attention. They can't have a conversation. Nobody talks to each other

anymore. It's sad. It's actually the evolution. I mean, everybody's kind of hunched over. We're kind of working a way back down the evolutionary scale. You know, I got a tweet. I got to take pictures of my food. I got, I got, I go, just pay to five, look up and live before you get hit by a

fucking car or a bus. To be completely honest, I get anxiety now sometimes. If I don't know where my phone is or if I haven't like checked it for a while, like not if I'm doing something, but if I'm just sitting at home and I'm like, I can't find it, or like I'm a little bit bored, just a tiny board. There's rehabs now

to get people away from their phones. Yep. And there's rehabbs now to stop people from playing games. Yeah. Yeah. This is a fucking reason. And I got to tell you, my old school is, I don't understand it. You put it in a thing. If it rings, you answer, if not, I don't want

to play out of my phone. I'm like, listen, man, I don't have these fucking stories because I lived in a phone or because I played Nintendo. Yeah. Or because I played Super Mario or because I played Monopoly or because I played any fucking games. These stories are because I never fucking played games like most kids. And this is what I played instead, the game of fucking life.

And you get your ass kicked and you get thrown out of places and your credit goes bad and your wife leaves you for other fucking people. But the game of life, you got to move forward. So if you want to sit there and look at you. your fucking phone and Twitter and whatever. Listen, I love Twitter and I love Facebook, but there's a time and a place for it. Yeah, exactly.

Saturdays and Sundays, I want to enjoy my life around. I'm in a hotel room. I want to be tweeting and taking pictures and showing you whatever. I love doing periscopes and smoking dope with people, but I don't want to do it every fucking day. I want to keep you on edge. I want to keep you in suspense like fucking the Twilight Zone.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's, it's bad, it's getting worse. And it's just, I just, I mean, you know, it's funny. because none of the other animals on the planet, you know, the, you know, you don't see a, you know, a gorilla, you know, with a device and, you know, people don't even realize all that technology, the radiation that machine creates to send a signal in the space and bounce it off a satellite and you're holding it next to your fucking head. Everybody's going to have a brain tumor in shape of an iPhone 6, you know, I don't know what's

happening. Let me tell you, you couldn't shut the fuck up for 15 minutes and this fucking thing is right next to your brain and your skull. I mean, come on. I don't understand people walking down the street on the phone. I don't understand like people walking and not paying attention. I see it every morning because I walk my daughter. Because it's more entertaining.

I walk past people that are looking on the floor and thinking about their conversation. I got nothing to say to nobody want to fucking walk. And that phone could ring. I look at it. If it's not 310, that phone ain't getting fucking picked up. You have no idea. Yeah, I know. The phone.

People think I fuck around. When I'm out and about and I'm doing business, and I got two or three people around me and shit, I just had to call that girl back. Right. Because I hadn't spoken to her. She left me a couple. We've been playing phone with that.

Besides that, if you call me, I don't do a fuck. Yeah, my phone is a way for me to keep in touch with the world. It's not a way for you to call me. Like, I check my Facebook status. I mean, you know, my nephew would come over. My nephew would come over. You know, come home from work. He, you know, he drink Red Bulls and Cheetos and, you know, a kid lived like a rock star.

He never left the house. He's on Facebook and social media. I'm going, dude, you've got to go out and live a little bit. You know, I'm trying to write a book. And I outline and I outline and I outline. I'm to a part right now where I'm about 17 and a half. And Jimmy, there's times I got to stop and cry. I got to stop and cry.

I'm up to the part right now where everybody really didn't know. I was living with a family. They were feeding me. I wasn't paying rent. I was going to high school. I had friends. I was smoking dope. I was selling a few pills.

And I didn't know what the next day it was going to be. I was just in the back of my mind hoping that the death certificate was wrong. You know what I'm saying? Like hoping that my mother wasn't dead. I would go by the house every day just to see if maybe she was at the track or something. That's how crazy it got you, you know. But I'm thinking about the events I used to do. Like I'm trying to list of events.

And I get sad because I got friends who have kids and their kids weren't doing what I was doing at fucking 17 and a half. Yeah. It embarrasses the shit out of me. It embarrasses the fucking shit out of me. Well, it was different times, dude. And, you know, you did, like, I didn't. Well, why didn't I stay home and play Mario Brothers? Why did I stay home on a Saturday, not like most kids on why sign that live?

And on Mondays, they were giggling the hallway about how many times. You said to yourself, you're busy making fucking stories. You can't do that shit. Look, you know, you can't, you know, Sam Kinnison used to do a bit about, like, you can't write those bits unless you live those stories. You know, one day you're out, you're drunk, you pass out, and you wake up, and your heads, you're laying right next to a fucking grilled, really big grilled ham and cheese sandwich. Oh, that looks like, you know, fucking Dr. Roos Twat. You know, but you can't write that joke unless you pass out and you wake up next to a sandwich going, you know, I mean, I don't mean to them. But, you know, the other thing is, too, I think about, you know, my motorcycle acts almost losing my fucking leg, all that stuff.

And you don't, you don't have fucking time to, like, probably, you should be in fucking therapy after stuff like that happens to you and try to work through it and figure it out. You don't. You don't have fucking time. And you can't afford to because fucking life's fucking moving, you know, you got to, you know, there was a, you know, a couple times where you go, I fucking, what I was even thinking? I should have, I mean, I didn't even know how that would have affected me or, you know, it does. I mean, you know, we know more about it now than we did back then. But Jesus, I mean... Well, you don't know you're going through it

while you're going through it. Yeah, exactly. So you pass it, and then you sit there one day and go, wow, what I was going through that situation was a little fucked out. Yeah. And it's like I lost 10 pounds and that person stopped talking to me or it was just a weird situation at that time. But you don't know you're going through it while you're living through it.

It's just a bad day after another. You know, it's weird when you see somebody going through a bad patch in their life. you know you see people who for three years just bump into a bad patch in their life and a lot of things could happen in those three years you could be weak enough to join ISIS in this society today you could join ISIS because you're weak

and you couldn't pay your mortgage and you hated the government you know you could get a gun and go to Kmart and shoot 18 people and shoot yourself you could shoot the dog there's so many options out I didn't have those options yeah well because you know you say what the fuck you want But you never did that. I mean, do we, everybody goes to a lot of shit.

I think the way you handle adversity. I mean, but you think about like mental illness in this country. And there's a book out called a sociopath that lives next door. And I talk about all these different mental illness as such a stipulation on. I mean, I would never even entertain the idea of running through a fucking Kmart with an AK-47 and just killing fucking people. You know, as bad as things got, I never did anything like that. But you're right. You know, sometimes you've got to get through it and you stop for a minute.

look back and you remember going, wow, that fucking, I'm lucky I made it alive. I'm still on the right side of the grass. I'm still breathing. I'm still in their fight. I'm still pushing that fucking rock up the hill. I'm still trying to live the good life. I mean, you know. I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s, which is like early, like the start of the

pacificate, whatever you want to call it. But I still were. Generation Snowflake. I still remember in elementary school, the kids who we hated were the cry babies. The kids who would cry if you didn't, if you didn't. didn't do anything to them or always always just complained or whined and it seems like we're not doing that anymore like it seems it seems like the cry babies have the internet and they're very vocal yeah the whole world's upside down in 90 i was outlying you know i've been outlying the last

month or so just because you have to know what you're going to write about in the future sometimes you get stuck and i go let me do work on something else and i was thinking about 94 like i live in a one bedroom rocky apartment there was a bench a soli trinitrine a couch a mattress in a room that the mattress was so big it took the whole room you couldn't open or close the door there was no furniture in there was just a mattress you just on the bed sometimes i wouldn't even change the sheet you know it was one of those things and it was my rocky apartment and at that time i was so happy to have that apartment but i had this fucking loneliness at that time i didn't know i was going through it to a years later.

Yeah. Until a couple weeks ago, so I was writing it out, the loneliness I had. Like, I was doing stand-up. I had friends, but when I would go home at night, it was the loneliest I had ever been.

I'd be fucking alone with my blow and a fat tire. Every 90 days, I bumped into a freak at the gas station, and she came over and, you know, something creepy happens or something. But I was so lonely as a soul, you know, I don't even know. In 85, before I left New Jersey, I was on the lurk.

I was hiding. So from January to June, I was always by myself. And I'll never forget that birthday, eating at it, my favorite Chinese restaurant in Fort Lee by myself, on my fucking 22nd birthday or something. And now I think about how lonely I was. Even though then, in the back of my mind, I thought it was okay. My night was made.

I'm going to eat some Chinese food, walk over the bridge, You got a $10 bag of reefer, and then just walk to like a hundred and something, take a train down and come around the other end. I was pretty happy in those days. It's fucking crazy. Then I ended up robbing that Chinese restaurant. What are you going to do? I went in there for lunch one day, the Chinese people wouldn't give me a tab. And the registers right there on the way out.

I just hit it. There was 20s. I lifted up. There was a couple 50s. I ran out of it. I went back a week later because they had tremendous Setsuan shredded beef. You know what I'm saying? Do they catch you?

No. They serve me. They walked to me down. I thought you were saying There was no cameras. An hour and a half later, I went back and robbed the place again because it was a Chinese.

No, I was over there over the time, so I knew they didn't have cameras. I would look around. You know me, though. In those days, I was just got an eyeball. And I would go in there one day on the way out. I'm sitting there for the fucking tab. They're not coming out.

They're in the back talking, arguing. I'm sitting by the register. Not that I finally hit the register. It opens up. I just made out the fucking door. A week later, I said, nobody saw him. Let me go in and test them.

I deny it. I went in there. They served me like usual. I looked around, make sure there was no spit in there, no Chinese eyeballs or some of my hookah juice in there. And I was clear. I kept going back in.

And then another time I went in there for instance, did the same thing. I robbed them again. Then I moved to Colorado. I never went back there. I went back and they were out of business. So everything's forgotten. Charges have been dropped.

Chinese restaurant owners all over Colorado who like speak about you. You know, how many Chinese restaurants have you terrorized? Like four? Was that place on sunset? What was that? Hoy's walk. Hoy's walk.

We had them on point too and there too for a while. I had them on delivery. Right across with the rock and roll rounds. The rock and roll rows. Ah, hilarious. Fucking Hoy's walk. Behind Hoy's walk was a place called

JJ's beepers when I first moved here. Jay J.J. Beepers had signs all over sunset. If you had a beeper or you wanted a cell phone, you went to motherfucking J&J. Beepers. Then the chick's book came out. Heidi Fleiss. And he was Heidi Fleiss's partner. So he ran in that business

I saw that business go from a fucking wall It was right behind Hoy's walk right the reason why did we go to Hoy's walk Because it was so good the food no Because there was a head shop place behind it You're fuck that's still there You said it's the best it's the best $7 Chinese Oh please it's the best for $7 the special at Hoy's walk

Absolutely are you fucking kidding me I had that neighborhood down you got an egg roll A cup of soup noodles which is big. If you get that thrown in, some people know they see me coming and they charge me 50 cents a bag. But some people don't even see me coming. They just keep going those noodles. You dope that soup up with those noodles.

That's an air pocket in your stomach. That shit goes a long way later on. You know what I'm saying? When you're living on a fucking thread, those noodles are tremendous. Let me get some more dry noodles. Absolutely. And you get that fucking cung power that comes with noodles, then you add more and you keep eating. That shit fills you up. This is when you're not worried about your measurements.

This is when you're just trying to survive. You know what I'm saying? When you're trying to survive, you know what I'm Yeah. When you're trying to survive, there's nothing like a Chinese lunch special. I mean, you tell you all like, bro, I was living at Cresto. We got a comedy store. And we had it down. We knew which happy hours. You'd go hit a happy hour. And they would put out the free food, you know, tacos and you get a three joints. What about a lunch buffet? What would you guys do to a lunch buffet? No, but this was just happy. They would just put people, people would just put food out. And you go, oh, yeah, that places. And L.A. at the time, there was only one lunch buffet, excuse me.

and I really liked it Lee and I haven't been there in five years and I'm thinking it going next week Acapulco. Oh, a Mexican lunch before? There was two Acapulco's in town here. There was one of where the sports bar is now on La Brea and Sunset. Right down the block from Hoy's Walk

if you're headed east there's a bar there now that you go to the right in there. They used to have Sons of Anarchy night in there and somebody did comedy there they had an upstairs on you and me went there. We saw the wait for you.

Okay, that that place that place used to be at Acapulco. Oh, okay. When I first moved here in 1997, that place was Alcapulco. But the other Alcapulco is an echo like if you stay on sunset, right once you pass the Scientology Center on the right, you go that right, there's an Acapulco there. Tremendous lunch special. What do they have? Six dollars. They have like some type of fucking meat with onions and shit. The fucking rice is delicious. They would have the soup would be off the fucking chain and they'd You would have condiments. You could dope it up and spice it up. They'd have tamales, not the best tamales. You got salsa, you had chips, you had cheese, you could achaladas, you know. But listen, when you're fucking struggling and you got six, seven, eight, ten bucks, you could fucking kill it there, dog. You could kill that motherfucker until you get to the comedy store and borrow a 20 for a late dinner.

Right or wrong. Yeah, no. I should have hold you over until 1015. You could borrow a 10 from Jeff the piano player. to go get a sandwich over at fucking pink dot. What I'm talking about is survival. You got to, like, who he's walking those days? I wouldn't walk into it.

Something happened. Somebody found the mouse on an egg row, and that was the end of that fucking deal. You know us. We got one morning, and the word spreads. It's like Clint Eastwood came to town. The outlawed Josie Wales. The word spreads.

We were going in there a long time. They had a tremendous kung-pile fucking chicken. They had a tremendous lunch special, and then somebody found the mouse that was all over. Then I had to switch governments over to the fucking bookie joint To want to cross from Rock and Roll Rouse That used to be my office

They had a pay phone out front Next to the fucking Russian deli Right across from Rock and Roll Rouse Right now there's a weed store on that corner That used to be a magazine store for 20,000 fucking years Yeah That was... You used to run book out of that?

I did everything out of there I saw blow out of there I fucking Wade Coke in there I forget the name of it I used to go there six times a fucking week. And you went in an office? No, listen, fuck nut.

The restaurant was so big. You wake in the restaurant? Listen to me, the restaurant was so big. They had a door that you opened up, and right away you had like eight boot-tight-style tables. And then they had a fish tank. If you went around that fish tank, they had a little private room back there,

like tables that you could sit like this. So I would show up five deep. I had lunch with their Anderson Sova I took Anderson Sober fucking that to lunch with his manager and his whole fucking team They were like, why do we go eat in Hollywood

I go, I'll meet you and I took him in there We ate Chinese food like kings They even throw on no No, no they don't throw in a can of soda They just throw in the basics The soup, the fucking noodles Glass of water The egg roll that tastes like ass

That you trade for a fucking You know, whatever Give me the pork fried rice I'll give you my egg roll. Because you don't get pork fried rice. They give you that vegetable egg fried rice. But when you throw the fucking beef on top of it, it all tastes the same at the end. I get it with white rice anyway.

Why are we talking about Chinese fucking lunch specials? Fucking Turkish people are fucking getting blown up 42 at discount. And the beauty of it is tonight I'm watching World News tonight. And they're interviewing fucking a couple. We're going to Turkey. You know what, man. You know, everybody wants to be a fucking hero. The other night I got sucked into that movie about the avalanche,

the fucking people who go to the top of the mountain and then they started dropping like flies and I'm thinking to myself and all 20 of those people that went up there I didn't see one Spanish person or one black person because they don't think about that shit nobody want... Wait a second, you got a chance of never coming back and you want to

climb a mountain. What is the fucking purpose? What is the... I never saw the fucking movie I'm sitting there. I watch it because of the actors. Yeah, to say we did it because it was there. And they set up the camp and the balloons and a killer selfie. And you got to go in the winter There's storms up there and lightning and okay, that's nice.

You want to walk halfway and take a picture and mind your business and go home? I'm with you. But you're going to go up there and pitch a fucking tent. Like some shit only certain crazy fucking people do. But there's also people who watch the Periscope tonight and said, Joey did 18 fucking bongs. That's just ridiculous. So you know what I'm saying? People who live in glass houses shooting through those stones.

That's a moral of the fucking story. And obviously it's not going to do anything against a bomb. But I was actually thinking about like, What about getting bulletproof vests? I know it's not going to do anything against a bomb or a plane going down, but... And do what? Where it? Have you put a bulletproof vest on?

Nope. Okay, they weigh 22 fucking pounds on top of what I'm walking with in luggage. That's number one. Number two. Listen, Lee, when it's time to go, it's time to go. Unless you get 20,000 and get one of those thin shirts that is bulletproof. But look at the size of your head in the mirror when you go home. Pretty tough to miss that fucking thing.

I know. It's like my head. I'm a goner. From a thousand yards, you could hit my fucking head with a fucking peanut and a fucking potato thing. Are you crazy? Unless they make headguards for us, that even our eyeballs, because we're all lucky, we're hitting the one eyeball that's open. To be honest, I mean, you, we guys are just saying you have to go out and live and make stories.

You have to be a little scared now to go out to malls and bars. I stay away from large groups of people. That's one. Maybe that's why people go do that. They try to do with Mount Everest to get away because you know, there's not going to be a crowd of people there. Yeah? But, you know, avoid any place. You know, they like soft targets and they like high number counts.

But, I mean, we got to travel for a living, but I'd stay away from, like, you know, soccer games. Listen, everybody in this country, everybody who listens to this podcast across the world is in danger. You'd go to get coffee now. Yeah. That's something that pulls out of gun. Right here in America, we don't even, you know, you have the threat of ISIS, but we also have the homegrown patriots. People are angry at the government. A bunch of people are dischanted, man.

Yeah, but I'm telling you, I mean, that's the thing I'm fucking, I'm just supposed to get fucking used to this now. I mean, this is just a fucking new trend? I'm not, though, we're supposed to be evolving. I'm moving towards this fucking, you know, Starfleet and the one federation or, you know, I mean, we're animals. We're fucking, we've gone from a barbarian world to a fucking, you know. If you're educated, you're educated, your father's a cop, you were raised Irish Catholic. I mean, three of us would have an uneducated answer to this fucking question. What's the educated answer to what's the next step?

Listen, in one step right here, I call the guy by the name of Ross Perrault. And I break it down, I go, Ross, what would you do in this situation? What do you think Ross Perrault would do? He's like, make them a motherfucking memory. You just can't do that. And that's eventually going to happen because they're going to do something somewhere that's just the wrong place.

You blow up Disney. That's Chinese. You don't want those missiles coming out. Well, if I can, Barack Obama, the drone ranger, the droner ranger set out, fucking took out 250 fucking ISIS people right after today.

250 ISIS fighters. gone today. There's a hellfire fucking heavy. Listen, that's like throwing gasoline on a fire. That's like fucking spraying that spray on a beehive. Yeah.

And the back end of the bees get away. Now they get together and they get even more pissed off. Right. And now they go to Plan B, which could be a chemical attack. Now they go to Plan B, which could be a 14 July celebration. Now they go to Plan C.

That could be a UFC event, God forbid, A major league stadium event. And listen to me. Listen to me. And it doesn't take, this is where my stupid ass could tell you something. You mess around with one of those football stadiums on the Lord's Day during the NFL season. My heart goes out to you. I can't help you because they're going to have every gun-loving, toting American who watches sports in this country.

And big money. Big money. Listen, the NFL is big money. The NFL is big money. Like you said, my favorite movie's concussion. Very entertaining, wasn't it? I didn't see it. It was a joke.

Yeah, but that's the line. He says they got their own fucking day. They got their own day. Sunday. They own a day of a week. How sad is that you're right. What would have you ever been laying in bed and go, okay, so you bomb 42 people at a club in Orlando.

It's a fucking travesty. That's what you're going to say. It burns my heart. You know, you do this. You do that. You shoot up whatever happened today. At what point in America does the general public say, listen, for fucking two of my pennies every fucking year, go to one of these bombs, you motherfuckers promise.

It's time to put those motherfuckers to test. Well, you know. And the next thing is, is like, fucking people take matters into their own hands. I mean, going, if you're not going to fucking, if you can't even fucking say the word, if you can't fucking defend me then I know where exactly where they're fucking how long before someone walks into a mosque and fucking murders 50 people in a fucking

mosque and how long before that starts happening in the other fucking direction. I'm just saying people have had a fucking enough. I mean, you know, we grow up, you try to play by the rules. They're not even playing by the same set of fucking rules. They could give a fuck. They strap on a fucking suicide vest and take out as many fucking people as they can.

They want to drag everybody back to a fucking, you know, 5BC. And I'm going to, you know, I don't understand it. I don't know. And that fucking hatred, that kind of fucking hate is taught. And it's taught from when you were a little fucking kid. And you could actually just walk in and just fucking annihilate 50 people on my worst day.

On my worst day. Fucking, you know, my fucking guns, you know, I wouldn't fucking walk in and shoot anymore. On my worst day, I wouldn't fucking do it. I'd lay in fucking bed. I'd fucking pop in a movie. I'd fucking drink myself silly. On my worst day would never fucking go in. harm another human being.

I mean, I just... Okay, but listen, there's people who have mental health issues. Well, that's a whole other boat. There's people that one day they're sitting there with a gun that they're going to kill themselves, and now those voices outside are at the fucking local supermarket. You know, I want you to do something real quick for me, because I do it fucking once a week as a reminder. I do it maybe sometimes on Saturday nights.

Just close your eyes. And think of being at your favorite sandwich shop with your fucking girlfriend. Jimmy Schubert, you travel to Chicago. you're with this fucking attorney and your minding your own business and all of a sudden you hear fucking high artillery gunfire that's a reality

you know that's a reality that's a reality today when you leave the house you've got to kiss the cat now you've got to hug the dog and say you know what it was a good one I don't know if I'm going to go back

I got to go to the fucking rouse because now you don't I mean that's fucking sad I feel bad for my daughter I feel bad for children who were 13 I've got to see this every day. Fucking Disneyland. You know, listen, they do something to Disneyland.

What do you think happens? Let's pretend in your father's imaginary as an American. They fucking put a bomb inside Disneyland, which I hear security is fucking tremendous now. I hear security is so good at Disneyland, it's annoying. This is from a friend of mine that is a habitual Disneyland guy. Right, that's great. But that's true.

But, I mean, if they're wearing a bomb, All they have to do is get up to the ticket area. Can you imagine? What would you think? What would be the public outcry? I mean, the public outcry would be the only way we're going to vote for you is if you say what we want to hear. I think it's already at that, though. No, it's already at that.

And even look at, you know, the Brexit. I mean, everybody's going crazy over there. We did it first. We were the original fucking Brexit motherfuckers. Have you seen the videos of what's going on over there? Like it's like they're like even more like racist anti-Muslim stuff that are yelling at them on buses. Yeah, but do you know what? Because they want their fucking country back.

They want their fucking shit back. They want some sovereignty. You know, the European Union fucking rules them. They override their judges. They tell them who can get into their fucking country. And these people like, you know, they want their fucking lives back. I don't fucking blame them. I mean, you know, we can't.

If we're not moving in the direction of fucking Starfleet and fucking everybody gets along and live long and fucking prosper and all that shit, If we're not having a spiritual fucking revolution and everybody's just to start blowing fucking people up, then by all means, shut it down. I got to tell you something, guys. I don't know. There's a reason in the movie Sleepers, when the guys are talking politics at the bar and the guy from sleepers says, go over there and tell them a change of conversation is necessary. No religion and no politics. The same thing is happening to me right now. There's one of the first podcast in a long time I've done that I just got stressed out for a minute.

Yeah. So we're going to change this topic. Change the subject. There's nothing we could do to change it. No. What we were talking about that was interesting was Saturday night. I'm in the fucking green room at helium. The weekend went great. And Eleanor brings the two brothers in, Billy and Johnny or whatever,

a fucking great guy. And as they're leaving, I go, it's funny. Another Schubert's brothers showed up. That's fucking weird. And I go to the hotel. I sleep two hours. I get up. I go to the airport.

Thank God I got up early. and one and got two eggs from the fucking greasy spoon around the corner from the hotel because there was nothing to eat at that fucking Philly airport. Yeah, it was early good. The pizza place was closed. There was a pizza place when I landed on the way out. I go, oh, shit.

There's breakfast on Sunday, a nice little slice of fucking pizza. But to go, shit, they had those old fucking cancer eggs with that French toast that looked like fucking debt. Thank God. Thank God I ate there. But I'm sitting there mind of my own business. I go, yeah, Schubert's brother didn't come. And who comes fucking hopping along with Jimmy Schubert at the airport?

Happy is a pig and shit. It's a 725 fucking flight. He's a professional. You see what I'm saying? My flight was at 5.30. I flew from Pittsburgh to Philly. I get there. I'm catching a 7.30 connector.

And then you call my name. I turn around. It's Joey Cocoa Diaz as I live and breathe sitting there by himself away from all of them. I'm going to turn it by myself. I don't want to. And then when you came over, Then the couple sat in front of us, and I had to fuck him, because it was a Dominican Republic. So next thing you know, I had fucking Telemundo in front of me.

I had them all around me, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, how this happened now? Nice. No, there was a Dominican couple behind me that was cool as fuck. But we were, you know, we were talking about comedy and how in 1997 we were going to Hoy's walk. And you had a deal, and you took me to lunch, and you showed me where to get headshots in that place. There used to be another place that we used to go to. But the dude died and left the Chinese widow. And then when I cooked up, I called her up and asked if I could eat a monkey in Chinese.

You learned how to say it? No, I just asked her right out. There was a place that's now a porn video Russian place. Okay, so Rock and Row Rouse is Rock and Row Rouse. Okay. This is crazy shit. Rock and roll rouse is rock and roll rouse. Okay.

Over here is the Wheat Store, the Russian zone with Natasha. and then I used to get a haircut there just until two years ago from 1997 to two years ago I got a haircut there every six weeks at that place I went back to that neighbor I always loved that neighbor it's just if you're not doing blow and getting your dick sucked and going out every night

you shouldn't live there like when you said I think I should move to the house because you're going to hear sirens all night the valley is quiet you move to Hollywood you hear screams and yells and it's For Chase is fucking crazily. You know, you go to Rouse

in Hollywood at 2.30 in the morning, I dare to go to Rouse at a quarter of two, rock and roll rouse, and see how many people going there by fucking cases of beer. Because the place is shutting it, too. That place, I've seen people

from all sizes going there a quarter of two. People online join online. Join online. No. that this is it. This is the final frontier. That neighborhood is great.

But on the other side of that, Rock and Roll Rouse, there's Raphaelho's Pizza. Yeah, I remember Ravio's. There's a haircut in place. Yeah, that was off to the side. Right to the side. There's a flower place, and there used to be a headshot place.

And you went in there, and the guy looked like, who did Bustin loose with Richard Pryor? Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder. They looked like Gene Wilder gained 200 pounds. His hair was crazy. crazy, he had glasses, he had a ward on his face, and he had this German Shepherd that was older than he was, he was, he, he had, he, that guy was fucking ready to die. Even the dog wanted to die. They had headshots in there, Mickey Rooney, like the guy had been there with everybody. Yeah, old Hollywood, old Hollywood. Somewhere along the line, he picked up Yoko Ono Jr.

With the difference between Joe, the yoko oner Jr. and the real, oh, yo, whatever, Yoko Ono was that this chick was banging. I mean, you just went to, you just went to him. to get your head shots developed. You know how these people talk about cougars? This chick must have been about 49. She had done her breastery done. You know, she dressed nice. She fucking. And you can look at her and go,

this chick's a party. It didn't take you long to know that this chick was a party. Ricky Cruz was out here then. Me, you, Ricky. There was 30 people who got their head shots done that. Yeah. We all went in there.

He was family. He let you take it on the arm and come back a week later. You can pay them a little bit. You can pay them a little bit. Because in those days, it was $129 for 300 headshots. Yeah. Now, you know what it is?

$2.50 for 100 of them, because they're dying to give them away. They don't use headshots in Hollywood no more. No, I know. It's all electronic. So people are like, fucking, we'll give you a picture. We'll take a picture and give it to you for free. Just come and use our machines. Yeah.

There was a place on across from Rock and Row Rouse that was huge. It was like a printing world. they're done they're down to a little fucking one little Korean dude and a fucking by himself and they're gonna please sketchyard it's just will you see how the business has changed

in so many avenues but anyway the fucking we go in there over the holidays you know every January every January you get new headshots so we went in there one day and the place is closed there's been a death in the family what the fuck happened all right maybe old man's mother died we won't

the week it's open I go there And the wife is there And I go, what's going on? Where's Mickey? And she goes, Mickey passed away. She started crying

And I can see her cleavage And by the way, I'm getting bad thoughts Like a porn movie I'm gonna take her in the back And give her a stabbing over all this agony And shit, I was all cooked up And in those days, I was walking around The fucking sexual overtone.

You know what I'm saying? In those days, I'd see a fucking chick homeless And I'd have thoughts And they'd have to talk to You know, when you're doing blood and shit, You're fucking minors. You know, you want to talk about a part of my, you know, people always hit me up with addiction questions. And I tell them, listen, get the fuck out of that.

I know you got a problem. I know how it was. I know it's going to take a while to think about it, but do yourself a favor, get out of there. Because once you're out of it, you're going to look back. You know how, and I always say this, you know how white people walked out of amnesty covering their faces? Yeah. That's what you do by yourself at night when you think of some of the shit you did on the Coke. And what you did for the Coke and what time you had to go and were you borrowed money for?

from and so I think of all that fucking addiction shit yeah and that's another thing that you look at and go what where the fuck was my head at yeah well maybe you know I and I have some experience it like maybe you know and you were self-medicating because you didn't know how to fucking handle me let me ask this question so I don't know I'm interrupt nobody about I don't even know what self-medicating dude you got me shit dude you got fucking shit going on and he goes for years people talking about he's self-medicating I do a couple bumps from time to time I don't know what I'm saying but but I know what I'm saying but Bro. Yeah, that's the problem with that shit. There's no, there's a couple bumps here, a couple bumps there. But before you know it, it's fucking 7 o'clock at the morning. I saw a kid doing Coke supposedly on Periscope last night, and it finally happened. I will say this, though. I'm glad social media wasn't around when I was doing that shit. Listen, at the point I was at 2006, the Periscope was around, and I knew what I knew now.

At 1 o'clock in the morning, I'd rent the hotel room from a space on known. I'd have somebody else go in there with a fake name so the cops couldn't even find me. I changed the hotel room around. I'd take an eight ball and just snort it on a camera. I'd make noises and show me crawling on the floor. And I would charge like 2250 a minute.

And I would be the number one show on the end to that join, hiding, looking from cameras, snorting fucking sheet rock. Working the people. Working the people. You had the people? People. When you stayed in a handicapped room, you had two people. You had the regular people and you had the handicapped people.

And if you get it there and you work both. Oh my God, you can work both people. You can work both people. You wake up in the morning like a raccoon. You got a little boy eyes. Oh my God. I would work a peepole. I would work the fucking underneath.

I would lay on the floor and look underneath the door thing and look for feet walking by and shadows and shit. You have no idea, Lisa. No, I've heard stories, dude. I've always said like, yeah, what's the most paranoid one you've ever gotten you? That stuff. It's crazy. What night? I got so paranoid with you up here and fucking Gotham City there.

I had basketball the next day. I was shooting basketball. And we went to your house and we drank a gallon of red wine. You were saving for sauce on Sunday. I had to argue with you for an hour. Jimmy, we got to drink the wine. My girlfriend's family. Jimmy, I don't give a fuck about your girlfriend's family.

We got to drink this red fucking wine. I don't give a fuck. We drank the red wine. I get home at six. They call. My calls at 7 fucking 30 and I'm the first seen up. I've never shot nothing in my mind. life here I am at the fucking Coliseum downtown coming down off of cocaine bins

with Jimmy Schubert that started with spaghetti and meatballs and Monday night football are you talking about my fucking God I'm like that prediction shit this start as a simple night go go Diaz I got an audition tomorrow come over we'll read the sides and we'll fucking eat some spaghetti yeah I'm having my sauce I invited call the ball over to so you meet you and call call on show We went over the sides for a minute And then you went in the back And you found the package from 1982

And you got it started And that was it You'll do one more One more One more can you call your guy How much you got 60? I'll put in a hundred Next thing you know it's four in the morning

You got one window Oh my God And I'm working the other fucking window And dude that wasn't a big fucking But there was nothing in that place It was a fuck there was I had a fucking shitty couch I had a futon

I had a stupid desk With a fucking computer And that's all I fucking had Besides the clothes in my back That was like my rocky joint out here. Remember that little apartment had a nice little kitchen, but I was like, I mean dude, I, you know, that's why I was

you know. You were one of the last people. That was so embarrassing to me that night. Like, you never repeated it. You didn't remember because you were looking at your own window. You were having your own dilemma. And I was having my own dilemma and I said that's never going to happen again. I can't

get paranoid around people. Yeah. At that point, I was getting half paranoid. If a chick was around, I would half paranoid if I would get coked up with somebody and they got paranoid it was over yeah I remember one time I smoked

crack I was on probation in Boulder Colorado oh wow I'm on fucking federal probation and at this time my buddy was suing people left him right I had a friend in Jersey all he had to do was get rained on and he'd get

dirty gs he had this Jew attorney that was ruthless this guy sued a guy on a bike that was going down the street got cut off by a car hit the sidewalk bumped into his wife he got 130 grand for that this guy was suing people left him right

he was carrying a bathtub he cut his finger 160 and he snorted every dollar till I didn't understand me but one of his coke fiends you know he would just call him and go they die a coke so I'm thinking of coming out and he just jump on a plane with some other fucking sketch and they'd be going for two days

and they'd get here with three eight balls and we'd get a hotel involved and then one night we're sitting there playing simple cards and they're like, you never smoked it before and I never smoked crack and they cook and crack in the microwave and I took two or three hits and guys I was hiding in the shower

because I was on probation. They got coke on them. On the way to the hotel if you see a cop eating a hamburger even though he's eating a hamburger in your mind he's there to watch you it is the creepiest paranoia. Yeah.

And you keep doing it and doing it. You know, they've said that, you know, and, uh, and yeah, because towards the end, I think I wore out of gear and that's, that's what it was when you get, you would, it was no longer fun. You would just get that paranoid. But I mean, it was, they said at the height of cocaine paranoia, you, your brain rivals that of a schizophrenic, like schizophrenics. That's what they feel all the time.

And until I forgot, I said, wow, that's what a schizophrenic. It goes through every day all the fucking time. I feel fucking bad. I got to tell you. Could you imagine that? I mean, going through like that living your life like that? I mean, that's what like a schizophrenic is that all the time you feel that way. I fucking love that.

I loved that one. You know, listen, man. From 70, from 80 to like 81.5, I would buy a gram of coke. I was a junior in high school, let's say. I would get a half a gram from this kid. who recently died. And I would do a couple lines out. Because the kid that was hanging with did drugs, but

they didn't do bumps. But I was living in my own world. What do you mean? They didn't do bumps. They did what? They did acid, and we smoked dope. But at that time, there was only two or three of us out of the nine that did bumps. And the three of us that did it, didn't want those other six to know how we were doing it.

Right. We just didn't want them to know. So I would get to do a bump in the bathroom and drink with them because I can't drink. So for me to drink in those days, I knew I had to do a couple fucking tuteluts. So I'd do a couple bumps, drink nine or ten beers.

And then I would go home. I would sit in the dark, Jimmy Schubert, with earphones on. I just listen to me. Doing bumps and crying and jerking off and going through with fucking Denzel Washington went through on Man on Fire when he would put the gun to his head. I didn't

have a gun in those days, but I would go through the psychosis. You know, I know for a fact, I can name numerous times where the cocaine went into a state of psychosis where we saw cops. And the next day it was a fucking fire hydrant where I saw the curtains move. And I'm not fucking crazy. I saw the guy's hand stick his fingers in a close it right away. You know, I saw a, I dumped an ounce of coke one night.

I saw fucking, like I said, I thought there were dogs. It was a fire hydrant sticking up in my mind. One night I saw people on ropes dressed in white, With those furs. Like 007 style? With machine guns coming down from the trees in Colorado. I was in the trailer on a fucking furlough, storn an eight ball. Coke fell.

I'm on my hands and knees licking it. I think these guys are coming into the fucking door. I'm jerking off in a fucking bathroom and a trailer. You know how many times I jerked off on a plane coked up in a fucking bathroom? I'm embarrassing. Yeah, that was, that's a fucking embarrassing drug. I mean, you tell me these stories, dude. I have my stomach.

Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. I mean, just the sickness of like, you know, because it wasn't, I mean, there was a point where you overdid it. It wasn't fun anymore. I just said, I'm not fucking doing it anymore. I'm just not. And I'm glad I did. I'm glad I had grew up because, you know, I had to run there.

And, you know, I, dude, you know, I was torn with Kinnison. I mean, this guy was getting a fucking, you know, like an ounce. I mean, the shit was always available. I mean, back then, it was just different times. People were giving it to it. It's like weed now. Yeah. He was Sam Kennyson.

Who didn't want to be able to say, I just did some blind with I just delivered the car and that was the Kenneson oh you're so who wouldn't can you imagine being able to do a bump with Sam Kenison and getting out to Coke

fucking Billy Idol's doing bumps this fucking you know Ted Nuget just hanging around he wasn't part of him but I mean there's a but I mean those all these fucking rock and roll like a David Lee Ross doing like this little pinky now with the fucking backstage the Universal Lampan theater and Ginger Baker was playing

was one of the drummers in the fucking rockeroll all star band with the fucking I mean, it was fucking insane. I mean, nine years in there, you know, Ginger Beggars playing drums, Cici Deville from fucking poisons on guitar, you had this guy from Toto,

you had all these fucking music. And everybody's coked up. To the gills, to the gills like it was, they were the fucking greatest thing. That time in life, and I know what they would go, like the comedy store.

Listen, the first time I walked in the comedy store, I thought about two things. I thought about comedy, and I thought about my party in life, how everything is, just gotten taken care of. You know, so when you're an open mic, you've got to go do your comedy at the comedy works,

but you got to go to Aurora to pick up the Coke. That throws you off. You've got to get to the con. You got to do a spot, and I've got to go to Aurora, 30 minutes and drive back with it. When you get to the comedy store, everything you want is right there for you.

At a time in my life, I didn't need that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, did you ever have a situation like that? Like that? Well, Jimmy, was it free for you on the, on the road because I like no it's it was it was the availability it was somebody always had it and

most people didn't want to do it by themselves I mean I'm so glad I mean I he's telling these stories I got to tell you I mean I feel the same way I'm embarrassed by some of the things and the the I would I mean I wish I had half to I could go back and take at least half of those fucking nights back or half those you know days back I mean it was like a five or six year run there was pretty pretty pretty pretty I sat with Lee about a month ago outside on the side street we took a ride to the store and we stopped and got a yu and we were stoned and we got out and i started telling them just and it's not something that i you know i was just explained till he leaves a young guy and when i got into comedy i thought the world was flat

you know you know when i left new jersey i had grown up with a uh a type of woman or i thought that had you know they were straight you know you know I'm saying. Once I left, I heard about sugar dandies and women sucking dick and having a husband for $50 a week. I heard all this fucking sickness that, you know, you don't want to live with. But in comedy, you better be prepared for it because you're out there in white America. You don't know all the dick suckers out there. There's people waiting.

You know, when you go to South Dakota to a fucking army base and there's 16 women, they've been seeing the same guys. You're fucking Elvis to them. Even if you don't have a credit. You're the worst comic in the world. You don't even need a credit there. They'll suck your dick just because you're an outsider. Wow. You've seen the big city?

Yeah. Tell us about California. Are there really a lot of fags out there walking around and vegetarians and shit? And you're like, I do not believe. They're asking me these questions. Wow. But I was just telling me about sexual things. Like, things that happened to me and I was an ugly guy.

Could you imagine if I was a strong feature who was, handsome with a nice physique. I'd be tearing it up. All I bumped into were Coke cores, were Coke animals, that you sit here 10 years later and go, let me look her up on Facebook. And now she's got kids, she's got a loving husband.

Meanwhile, you tied her up, you let her on fire, she fucked your dick on tape. You know what I'm saying? She swallowed your sword, you say, come on her eyeballs. You know, this is way before the iPhone. You know, thank God there was no iPhone around 15 years ago. Guys like you and me would be dead.

dead because you know you're a freaky fuck we didn't periscope that no I ain't periscope and not I don't want people to see me coming in a minute you know what I'm not gonna do shit like that yeah I just you know you make a great point I tell you what man that would have been

that would have been I'm glad social media or the phones went around we had enough problems with a fucking bindle on a fucking iPhone and fucking periscope and that shit holy smokes it was just a different time and now I've said it a thousand times comedy is a different album

there's nobody pulling Mitch Hedberg on the road no more. There's nobody abusing drugs. There's nobody going, dog last weekend. This fucking dude in Cleveland drank 82 shots and caused the fight. That doesn't even happen in comedy no more. There's no bad people like that in comedy

no more. I got to tell you, it's you know, I mean, most of the people you know are if you're sober or on their way to being sober and don't drink anymore. It's become like a job now. Because people don't... Dude, I remember the story about Ali Joe Prater. And Ali Joe Prater's his legend every dude.

apparently he was a stole everybody's jokes but he was this kind of human cartoon of a character is like 70 sam looking like real life how much are you way oh he was about 3 50 about 3 50 no he was he was towards the end he was but in his heyday it was about 3 50 huge you know 5 5 yeah his big cowboy hat and his big beard and I remember I was the runner for the comedy started a guy was like mitsy was one of mitsy's guys she loved him and he hey man could you do me in favor and he was a huge guy like big it's like 3 50, 370, but he was a small guy. Just a big, fat, round dude.

And, dude, this guy will walk up, and he's getting ready to feature X on, and he's in the back of the room. And he pulls that little 250 gram vials. Stamman, there's a guy, right up each nascent. And he'd been drinking all day. He drank like a case of moose head. And he goes, he's up on stage for a lot. And he wipes his arm.

He wipes his nose with his arm and his blood from the elbow down to the wrist. And the whole line goes What's the matter? Nobody party anymore I got it. Holy shit But you will never You won't see any of that anymore

Because it's become a bit I mean look man Like it's so funny Because like you're right You gotta go up You got a podcast You gotta do this I mean there's stuff to do now

There wasn't stuff to do back then You could sleep to 12 Get up burp fart You open a beer Go back to bed Whatever we want I mean you know The road was like

When you were doing this It was crazy It was fun But it's become something different now and you've got to change with the times or you'll become obsolete. You said, Joe, you said there's no one crazy anymore. And I'm proud of this fact, but I think we might be the crazy ones. We're doing 800 milligrams. We're doing mushrooms, acid. It's a different style of crazy. You know, Kennison was crazy. Guns and Roses at the Grammys, that's crazy.

When everybody's on heroin and you're on national TV and their heads are spinning and they're smoking cigarettes and they're looking at each other they don't know where they're at and you know one of them had to be fucking 9-1-1 to get there you know you have no idea what you have no idea

even towards the end let's pretend towards the end of the last two years of my comedy on coke I was like Kevin Hart it would have been ugly what do you mean like Kevin Hart

because he didn't have the race resources. Could you imagine having that addiction with the resources? It would be crazy. And I said something like that to a friend of ours who's in the program. And I go, man, I go, you know, I could imagine if you didn't have anything going on. If nothing was going on in your life, I could see you going and getting a freaking gram and the story and I'm staying all night. And he said, no, it's the opposite. He goes, now, I mean, you got everything going on. You get everything to lose. And you have means to do it. And you just, you know, you just have that addict person. now and going yeah man maybe uh and you're right i mean i mean kid i mean kid this is almost

freaking odied you know he wrapped his vet around a telephone pole you know he's in this sound studio with cheap trick and they're going no we'll give you right home we'll give you right home and he wanted to be you know rock and roll you see what i got put up what next thing you know he wraps his vet around a telephone pole you know i mean imagine me i'm just can you imagine if every two nights you got a call do you got to come pick up joey dars you got to come bail out joey dears you've got to go to a bank and get $2 million to post bail because Joey, do you remember towards the end of Tupac? Like, you're too youngly.

The last four years of Tupac's life, I mean, he got into a shootout with fucking cops league. Jesus. He got shot in the nut. Did you know that? No idea. When all the East Coast, West Coast, you know, if you look up Tupac's last four years, He got charged of rape and they threw him in jail and Shug Night had to put up a million dollar bail to get him out and he signed him in the fucking prison and that's when he wrote the double album that's classic.

That's fucking nobody's ever done that. Nobody's ever done that he wrote an album why he was locked the fuck up and Shugnight came to visit him and said what do you need little brother? He goes, I need to post bail for my appeal. He gave him the million dollars or the five million. You know, don't fucking quote me on this. and by the time he got out he went right from that fucking prison he said you gotta go get make to get that paper back and you know when you got a gun to your head you'll fucking rap like fucking you know

slim jim magoo and that's that big fucking album that's that double album that came out if my memory serves me right he wrote he wrote it in the joint which makes sense man lee he was in the news lee every three weeks and i'm not talking justin beber getting beat up in Cleveland. I'm talking. He was in a shootout last night.

The cops. An undercover cop, him and some of his buddies. It was like when Tyson was on top. The morning I woke up, you know, like two days earlier, I was up, that's why I used to get coke. There was two spots in New York City. I used to get Coke. On 143rd Street, then 148th Street.

I know, I'm lying to you guys, 135th in Amsterdam. But up the corner from that spot, there was a little bodega. I gotta tell you something, Jimmy Schubert, from 1979 to 1985, I copped at that joint, not because the cocaine was good,

but because up the corner there was a fried chicken joint. Some Puerto Ricans who cooked chicken 24 hours a day, Lee, I wouldn't be able to pour you away. I know you. Lee, you would just pitch your tent. You would sling drugs just to eat fried chicken. That's how good the chicken was. And they had a little dog on in front of that.

If he didn't like you, the dog attacked you. You had to go. You had a walk. No, no, this is real. This is 1980s. What's the fucking point I'm trying to lay on you, motherfuckers? I don't even fucking know. Jesus Christ.

What was I saying? I have a brainfire. You were talking about the, where you used to cop. Used a cop at this place and this place. Yeah, but it was a different time period. You know, the point we're trying to make is that I'm not. The guy getting arrested all the time. Tupac.

Tupac. Oh, Tupac. So I fucking, one not I read. How fucking, no, not Tupac. This is the night that Mike Tyson fought the guy in the street, the other boxer with bare knuckles green. Remembering out of nowhere on the demise of Mike Tyson. Yeah, that was the beginning.

Before it all went down, Lee, he got into a fucking fist fight in Harlem at three in the morning. I got a question, you big Mike. What were you doing in fucking Harlem? He was getting that chicken. It was like a food stand. Ah. So it was a popular food stand.

A lot of people went up there. So it was 135 in Amsterdam? It used to be 135 in Amsterdam. For me, from 1981 to about 1985, that was one of my spots. And let me tell you the funniest thing in the world. Shit, man. You were up above 100 in 10th Street. A teacher turned me on.

My high school teacher told me, he goes, listen, you didn't hear this from me. But the best Coke and fucking up in Manhattan is 135th in Amsterdam. Parked your car. a block away, walk up, and right in the middle there's a fucking club, walk to the window, just talk to them in Spanish. And that's exactly what I did.

And in those days, they would sell me. When I first tried to go into them, it was 250 and 100. So 250 a gram, 100 a gram. But it was, and these guys would shoot in that because it was their own little private disco and they hit it in the doors. They would put the door jammed down

and they would hide the coke in there. and they would have two little DJ boots, turntables. Right. And in the middle, they would have an electronic scale. So they had a dance going on. You walk straight to the back, the DJ would be mixing, and they'd be weighing your blow, pop, pap, pa, blah, pa, a little aluminum foil, foil fucking perfectly.

Bam, and you walked out the door with security. Somebody walked into his car, and they'd walk you out to the street. And that went on 24-7. But in the nighttime, they had the club. In the daytime, they had rooster fights. Oh, yeah. This was the real deal.

One day we got there and they shot a dude outside. He was dead and they still caught. There was a dude outside from the whole organization. Was it an event or why did they shoot guy? It was a good Saturday night. It was hot out. The Yankees lost. You know how it goes, Doug?

I don't know, Lee. They just shot him on the street. We got there and the cops were there. You know, with the blanket on the floor. I mean, it was 40 feet away from him. But one of the guys that was in that disco was out there. he saw you and he goes all around the corner even with the cops right there

100 yards away they were weighing it right there in an alleyway it just a different you could never do it well now you have cameras yeah you got cameras everywhere everybody's got smartphones and everything else I mean you I'm shocked by the Tupac stuff

granted I haven't done a lot of like research but everything I've seen on TV is like no why do you think that was Joe why do you think he started to unwind like that you just think the success got to do you think? What do you think? I mean, because you're sitting there. And basically, you have life-dicked if you can behave yourself.

If you can behave yourself, you're putting out these albums, you're making millions of dollars. You've got live-dick. At least you can get a fucking house. Sometimes art becomes a reality. In that situation there, you know, put out of grid heart. You know, right now I'm sitting here.

Let's pretend, for some reason I start getting into theaters. Every time I do a theater, we're going to come to me and go, listen. The guy at the door, he says he wants to be a writer for you. He comes in the guy. Remember you told me a story about Kennison went to a club in Chicago, and one of Kenison's favorite comic was a comic from Chicago.

That's a school teacher. He's still there. Now he works on radio or TV. Oh, Steve Dole? Steve Dole, I think. No, a different guy. He just bumped into him. He's old.

He's got six kids, Irish Catholic. He has a bit about the bus driver with the Snickers and the... Oh, the candy. The candy, candy, okay. You know, Kennison said that guy's still in Chicago, and now he is like a dude at the radio station. You know, and he's still a comic, and he made it. That was making it for him, and I'm happy for him. He's a fucking great guy.

What is his name? I can't even remember me talking about this bit, though. It's hilarious. But, you know, even at the end, let's pretend, let's talk about Kennison here. Kennison was great. How many dirty dogs was Candleston dragging with him? How many guys were on his case telling him, he was great giving him cocaine that happens at every level not in this society

no no I agreed absolutely 100% and then you know I I happen to be torn with the dude but I mean I you know I went on another tour with him because I wasn't one of those guys he took out me and a guy named Dan Barton because we you know there was no there was no drugs I mean some of these guys that you're out there with like you know Mitch Walter this guy could fucking score blow in a fucking convent I'm not even joking I'm not joking no he's a bad motherfucker yeah he's still out there no he is He just got his fucking hit replaced. I talked to him once in a while, you know, but I mean, he's one of those guys. I mean, you talk about being a grifter. You talk about the term grifter and the way the guy was a card mechanic. Now he was a card mechanic, but the guy was a grift. He played the fucking horses. I mean, he grifted his way through fucking life, you know, and, you know, he grifted his way of life. You know, people don't realize you're surviving and fighting for every fucking nickel. And, you know, so, but yeah, he, yeah, he's still out there. One of the funniest fucking dude. too one of the funniest guys pound for pound

I can always make me fucking laughing in fact Richard Pryor thanks him on one of the hours yeah because Mitchell used to write all the Mitchell you back then Mitchell wrote for laughing like the you know these were the caliber guys I mean there's Carl LeBow Mitch Walters Allen Stevens these guys are fucking legendary

fucking comedians that were around the store during the fucking during the during the strike and guys and you know these you know guys before like a class you know probably two classes before mine these guys were hanging out And just, you know, it was a great education. To me, when I got to the store, I thought it was like college, you know.

I mean, really, I get to sit there and watch Robin Williams go up. And, I mean, you know, when I was there, I got there, 86, like the end of 85, beginning of 86. It was like, dude, it was, it was ridiculous. 85, 86. So you've been lurking for 31 years. You're there at the airport. You said, you know what? Maybe it's time to pack up my bag and do the dream away.

you know Jimmy Schubert guys like you want me the dream never goes away and away you ever see the John Gotti Jr. interview for 60 minutes no and he goes what happens if you get hit to and he goes are you fucking kidding me I meant it to the age of 51 I did things that nobody does that nobody you know just being on a set one time for me would have made my life complete I would have at least some of the loser edge would have gone away from myself you've been a fucking big thing you've been a fucking big movies? You've been on television shows? That didn't matter for me at the time. All I wanted was

when I first came to LA, all I wanted was just to survive. When I became a regular at the store, it was the first time I was part of something. And I stuck to my P's and Q's as good as I could. I'm happy I never got caught fucking up and bailed out of there, and I'm still welcome

there. We're lucky. There's guys that they went up to and said don't come back. You know. Don't want. Like that guy, I don't want to go in. Yeah, the New Italian coordinator, they just told people, either you're too old or don't come back. That's why I don't call more than twice a week down there because I feel old as it is. Yeah.

But, you know, here's the other thing, too, is like, you know, you still fucking roll out. I mean, you look at fucking, you know, Don Rickles. I mean, God bless him, guy's fucking 90s, still doing it. I mean, he's Don Rickles, for God's sakes. But look at Joan Rivers. I mean, you see that documentary. My favorite documentary about being a stand-up comic ever is the Joe Rivers documentary. about you know piece of work I mean here she is 78 every bit as funny as anybody

30 years her fucking junior takes private fucking jets to her fucking events works on the the shopping channel selling shit she's got her daughter Melissa she's taking care she's doing the fashion police I mean look at this bride I mean she was a fucking icon and and just and still going at 78 and died doing something she loved to do you know getting getting surgeries but listen But I mean, God rest her soul, but I mean, she, I mean, look at that. I mean, you're right. But look at the, because you're still relevant.

You're still doing it. But I know what you're saying. It's a little freaky. I sit there all the time. It's like I'm living in a fucking dream. I'm living in a fucking fantasy. Like I go to Philadelphia, the place is packed. You talk to people afterwards, people, you know.

It's like a fantasy. Like, I remember opening up for Nick DePaolo in Dallas. I'm going, this is good as it's ever going to get for me. Like, this is it. Yeah, but you know, like, and that's an honest fucking reaction. No, it is. And look at all that, and look where you come from and all the shit you've been through. I kind of tell you something, I catch myself sometimes because you forget.

I mean, you're too busy. Keep going. You got to keep moving. Sometimes when you find yourself, you're sitting there and you just catch yourself going, wow, I did that. I was able to do that. I was able to check that off my list and get this done and this done. And all while, like you said, doing all that fucking crazy shit i mean i i get up every day today i i thank god every day i

i would get out of bed and i i feel like a blessed man and i'm still able to make a living doing something i love to do and i'm really good at it you and i are trying to resurrect our old manager from the late 90s early 2000s jeff kitlin we're trying to resurrect this guy because you guys have no idea the intensity of this jewish bulldog i mean his great great uncle was definitely there to stick the nail in Jesus' foot. This guy was a torture chamber. If you ever

heard him on the phone, talking of casting people, whatever. And I got to tell you something, I've been in 19 years, he's still pulled off of Houdini move, and the man is right here. Jimmy Schubert has an audition for a pilot, and this fucking clown decides to pick up abroad,

and he's taking the coaching horses and gets his balls lick, and he goes in the next day, and he drank coffee, and he got all paranoid and he ran out of there. Jeff Gettlin got him back in there the next day and they told the casting director that Jimmy Schubert had drank too much coffee.

He stayed up all night drinking coffee. Jeff Gatlin did a move that nobody's ever done that nobody's ever pulled it's like the only person who pulled that move on was Audrey Meadows when she went to see Jackie Gleason and he told her she was too pretty

and the next day she hired a photographer and took pictures of her in the morning with no makeup. And he showed him the pictures. And Ralph goes, that's her. I want to. Who is she? And he goes, same broad that was here yesterday.

And he was blown away. Dude, Jeff Gittland sets up an audition for me. I'm coming in. He picks me up at the fucking airport with my bags, drives me to the audition, waits for me to come out. And I go, and then fucking took me back to my joint. I go, there's no manager in the history of me. managers that I've ever met in my fucking life that would do something like that.

And that's what a real fucking manager does. I wound up getting that job. That job was for one hour photo. There must have been 300 guys going to read for the role with a fucking soccer coach. It wasn't a big part. It was a little part. I got to work on a three days with Robin Williams. I got to show him this photo.

I got this great picture of me. I'm on stage. I got to be 1920 in the original room. There's a picture of me. There's a picture of Robin Williams and Sam Kinnison. They both got microphones and they're looking at me. And I was this fucking young kid. I didn't know you weren't supposed to go on stage.

And they're doing this improv fucking exercise. And it's one of my favorite pictures. I'll fucking show it to you after the thing. But it's a black and white photo in the original, circa 1987. It's me, Rob Williams and Sam Knesson. And I am the only motherfucker still alive in the fucking picture today. Jesus Christ, put that picture away, please.

Put that picture away. I don't want to bring no bad spirits in him. No, no, no. I'll kill a chicken. No, no, no. Take that picture out here. I got one guy who got dying and the other guy, God forbid. Please, get those bad spirits out of here.

We might as well talk about politics again. I'm sorry, bro. I didn't mean to run through your bubble guard with a pin. Someone brought it to my fucking attention. Let me give some shout outs here. Some great fucking people. First of all, my main cousin, Hamsell Diaz, always posting pictures of my other cousin from Cuba. Did you see the pictures?

My cousin was with Sting and fucking Peter Gabriel. How about a shout out to my man, Brady Ferguson, Darren McGuinness, Lonnie Collins, J.R. Gomez, Crystal with the new fucking hairdo and Bobby Uki-Spooky, Cleo, Jonathan Santa Brea, David Marwin, Marin. and Jim none your fucking business cocksucker you know I love you guys and don't forget Felicia's at Flappers

all weekend two shows Friday two shows Saturday I'll be posting No Expectation Tour in L.A. Working up to my special I got one two three four five six seven hours from July 21st

to October 11th to put this thing together Jimmy Schuber is going to be a contributing writer he didn't notice him I don't know if he's working pro bono Anyway, that's it. I love you, motherfucker. Always be safe this weekend.

You know, you were just fucking around with the fireworks. Joey, thanks for having me in Bro. No, no, I'm not done here. Hold on. We just take a little breather here. Oh, yeah. We'll do a bong hit. It's time for a bong hit.

I want to be around to pick up the pieces. Up above a hundred and ten streets. Somebody breaks your heart. Hold on one second. Yeah, let's fill this motherfucker. That's hilarious. Out there. But, Lee.

I was on Freddie Correa's podcast. Thanks for the invite, number 100. Thank you very much. If you want to check that out, that'd be great. It was a really fun podcast. They don't have enough on their fucking plate. I think I'll listen to another podcast. Yes, they do, because Freddy is a great comic.

Freddy is a good fucking, here you go. Who's up first? Give it to Lee. Lee's ready for bomb. Dude, I'm already dead. That's okay. That's okay. What do you mean?

Okay. What do you mean? Put away the whip. The horse is dead. You know what I'm saying? Let's do this shit. This is your father. You've been breathing by Dr. Belises.

Your lungs should be in tip-top fucking for doing right now. You know how to do this. You're a professional. I know how to do this. Listen. Obviously, there's not going to... Knowing how to do it, isn't the issue. Listen, obviously there's not going to be a fucking Olympia in Brazil.

We might as well have a little Olympia in this fucking room. Yeah. Brazil spent all their money bribing the Olympic officials to get the games there. They didn't even count on the Zika virus. And you get the fucking medals. Come on, hurry out. We're young here. What are we thinking about? It's a little bong.

It's a little... I know an 8-year-old that does a bigger bong of that shit. Come on, let's go. This is fucked up. You're staring at it. I think there's another issue. We should be talking about. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, all right. Hit that... Hit that soldier. Knock what, buddy. Knock what. Yeah, no, no. We're here. Look at him.

Golly, you fucking animal. Look at you. There you go. Look at you. You like Prince in 1999. Give me that fucking thing. I'll fill it up for you. But y'all, let me burn some of the germs off.

Look at this poor bastard. He's drooling me. I don't know. I'm sorry. I like what. Who knew? This is. Oh, shit.

Fuck, you think you're dealing with, motherfucking. You want a piece? I'm good, man. What's the story? You don't want to do a story? No, no, no. I'm just hanging out with you two guys. I'm sitting between you two guys. You want to the stuff?

What the fuck? That's what I'm doing. You got nothing going, huh? You're going to go, stop over there on more park, get some fucking spaghetti from La Villa. Oh, that's exactly where I'm going. Do you think? Pagliacci's, bro.

Who do you think you're fucking dealing? Dude, have you ever been there, man? Don't be being a magician, eat that fucking thing. You don't think I remember those two pigeons in your I remember getting coked out with two pigeons If you don't think I want to kill the pigeons I was too Oh that's fucking hilarious bro that's hilarious

Joey The whole thing The fucking star routine like Lee used to do I busted Wait for another bonging No dude I'm fine I had like 18 I had like four bonn hits

I'm telling you're in training It never ends though Like at least basic training ends. Basic train never ends. Even black belts fucking go to work every day. You understand me. You're a black belt.

Fucking getting it together. Look at the fucking great things you've done, Lee. Look where you've come from zero to 100. You're like, Drake. You've come zero to 100, real motherfucking quick. You understand me? It's pretty crazy. I mean, how great.

Who the fuck knows what? What we were talking about before the podcast went on to us. You know, when you're 22, you have these expectations of what you want to do. Your parents have this expectation. of what you want to do. They do, Lee. I'm just thinking about my parents' expectations. Your poor parents have expectations.

They help you through solids. They brought you big ziti. They brought you brownies just so you can lean in the direction. And you did well. You did well. Most people do well. But guess what happens? You do get a job in your field and that's it.

This is, I got to work indoors. Fucking 10 to 6. It's fucking 82 degrees. up and all some people go you know what I'm gonna keep my nut low and I'm gonna start landscaping and you start landscaping with a dude and he likes you and he gives you a raise then he gives you a route and one day the guy comes to him goes like a 10 days to live you want to buy the business for 8,000 and you bought a business and here you're making 200,000 a year and you sit there and go what was that econ degree for that happens every fucking day oh dude we came out of

you took a chance to come out here to be an editor and also some the podcast thing fucking blew up. What, were you film editor? That would have been a dream. I did reality TV. Reality TV, what'd you work in Final Cut Pro? I haven't. I haven't, yeah. What are you? Johnny, he added it all of a sudden to us?

No, no, I was, I know. I had to add some project. Stick to what you know. He's a cheese man. He knows about cheese. What do you know about? What are you talking about? Not for nothing, Charlie.

Not for nothing, Charlie. Not for nothing, Chapelot. It's that fucking cheese. I had a piece of a piece of a cheese. I had a piece of a cheese. cheese my mom brought over on Sunday it was tough as shoe leather. Tough like shoe leather chelots.

I don't fucking think you're dealing with this. You think I'm dropping knowledge out of Jimmy Schubert knows. See right now this is 20 years ago I can take you in the back and I have 10 dudes smack you around for that I'm not with that movie. But you look at I love you. For not knowing the movie.

You follow him? You know, by the way, I was thinking about this as I was leaving my house today and come over. You know, I mean, I I mean, they have never, like, I mean, once in a blue moon, but there was never, like the movies they made in the fucking 70s, Serpico.

Oh, please. I mean, there's not, it's not. You're beating up a dead horse. We've destroyed that fucking subject. Not even fucking close. I was thinking about it. I mean, it's just so funny going, you know, because you were someone,

I was talking to someone like that guy goes, who's the fucking movie star? There's no more movie stars. Who sells fucking tickets? No. Marvel and fucking robots. Yeah, but that's, that's it. And that's it.

There's no stars. I mean, other than you have. No American hero, Jimmy Schumer. You know why? From 1932, we've had John Wayne. Yeah. We've had tough guys have, you know, the guy who did the original Scarface. I forget what his name was.

Then you had Edward G. Robinson. And then you had all these people, the guy who did War the Worlds. And then you had these men who were men. They showed pictures of them of Formosa, dressed with suits, having cocktails with women, dressed nicely. Yeah, they all suck dick, but don't get. confused. It was a different era. When I was growing up, you had Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson,

you know, you had these people that and then Rocky Balboa came along. You had these people you look. Who do you look up to now? A fucking robot? Well, I want to be like Superman. You can't fly, stupid. Yeah, that it's ridiculous. I mean, I'm telling you. And the funny thing is, is like

they're all, I was so funny. What was I watching that movie, the Hatfield, the McCoys, the one that was on TNT, like, couple years back with the costner and in these actors and i go out of his driving range over witson i'm going to hit a couple golf balls and i'm sitting there it's the middle of that there the guy sitting in the neck i walk in i put my bags out and a guy in the next dog oh you were just didn't uh have film mccoy's as that's i go you know in the movie he had this tennessee accent

he's an english guy they're all english actors all the australian they all come here and they take these jobs there's not a fucking american in the fucking lot there's not an american in the fucking lot. I mean, other than Tom Cruise and fucking Leonardo, who's selling fucking tickets? Brad Pitt? I haven't seen him, you know? I mean, it's fucking nobody's really selling tickets because we don't

see the bottom line. We don't see what they do in China. We don't see what they do in Australia and all those markets. That's where they make their secondary. They'll cry wolf to you here in the States. They had a losing fucking market. They don't lose a dime. Those motherfuckers are cut deal with

Vietnamese underground television. to have their movie played on them. That's what people don't know. Yeah. Forget about the work and film situation. That is what has made guys like you and I, God bless us, lucky. Yeah. Because guys that we were character actors.

What was the, okay, we just quoted a movie earlier, fucking sleepers. That guy and you were in the same category for six fucking years. It was his name. And they finally gave him a TV show. And I think he's on something now, but he looks completely different. Yeah. And he's a good actor. No, he's a great actor.

That was the league you were in back there. You were right there. Yeah, but every time you went to audition, he was lurking. He was there. And freaking, you know, a couple of development deals, a couple of deals that I had. We shot a pilot, a couple of those working. And then I came up against guys were like, you know, it was, yeah, you're right. I mean, I had a nice stretch there for.

like, you know, about five or six years just where you could go in and you I mean, look, you pick back then you pick up a guest star on freaking ER, you go in there, you work for a couple days, you go make like, you know, but now all the residuals from that, went back when the side contracts were there.

I mean, dude, now everything is. I can't tell you got. What's up, buddy? Oh, well, you were talking about selling tickets, and it's crazy. They're selling tickets to some of them, but they're just, they always say they're breaking these records,

but ticket prices are so high. I just went and out of the top ever movies, what number do you think was the top grossing ever? Like out of every movie ever, what number do you think was a 2000?

This is a jeopardy? Just tape them, tell me, all right? Tell me, yeah. Number. There's jaws in there? Yeah. So it doesn't get to number 11. The top 10 grossing movies all time

or before 2000, and even before that, like I think before 19. Well, you have more longevity. I know, but it's, I mean, there's a lot of variables. Yeah, but the other thing is that they keep selling me the same movie. So if I've seen Transformers one, I've seen Transformers 2, I've seen Transformers 3, I've seen the whole fucking thing.

You're just, we making the same fucking movie over and over again and selling it. Listen, right now what you were hitting on earlier, I just said, somebody just sent me something on Twitter. And they sent me a Twitter and they sent me a Twitter saying that. that they've signed on to shoot Death Wish. And Lee and I sat here for two hours figuring out who's going to play Charles Bronson. And some people sent me Steve Bouchemie, and that's not going to fucking work. Some people sent me fucking things that were ridiculous.

They were ridiculous. They were so far out of the game. And it's not their fault. This is the shit they've been sold. Did they go fucking with you or no? No, no, no. People were straight up. Hey, man, I heard your comment.

conversation on the podcast I think you should go with Steve Bouchammer you know I think you should go with the who else did they recommend Oh God they broken ready at the American sniper They have never too good look at no no first off they can't remake death wish you know why you can't why because the rape scene is so Fucking real brutal yeah that it would never work today it's like the beginning of the longest yard it would never work today. But Ronald, take that bitch and smacks her in the mouth

and throws her against the wall that would never work on television. And me, look at Lee. Every like eight minutes, Lee realizes how high he is, and he tilts his head back and he says a prayer going like, but in all that whole two seconds,

he thinks about how he got here and why he still comes here on a daily basis and how he can get right now leave town with people. Paul had never come back. He doesn't need this. He's a nice Jewish boy. There may be a route plan.

It was really great seeing you the other day, Jimmy Schumer, because that day I didn't focus, that night I didn't focus on anything negative. I have nothing negative to focus on right now. I, in my eyes, lasted 15 years longer than what I anticipated. And you know what? I did get into some good movie. Speaking of it. of sad contracts.

I just got my second residual check from Grudge, Matt. And you don't want me to tell you what it is, how bad it is. It's embarrassing, bad what I made on that movie, but it doesn't matter. To me, it was an opportunity.

I was there to fill the void. For me, it wasn't even about the money. It was about having the opportunity to be in the room with those dudes. I'm an ex-fucking felon. I was living in a rocket ship. I was stealing drugs. I was doing all these fucking...

Then I came out here and got even worse. At one point, I was so fucking bad out of here. I still remember feeling a chick at the Denny's on sunset by Rock and Roll Rouse under the table where we were eating hamburgers. And I'm looking at me going, are you fucking serious? Like on Coke, in my mind,

she was ready to fucking go. She asked me to sit down and get a cheeseburger. I'm like, let's get a cheeseburger. Okay, you're a comedian great. She had a miniskirt on. And I grabbed that fucking kneecap. As you looked at me like, you come again. I'm like, what's the story?

Nobody asks me to have a fucking cheeseburger. She's like, you better get up and get the fuck out. He had to pay for both cheeseburgs. I didn't run out of it. Boise 9-1-1. Yeah, and now you're doing, from all that, what I'm saying is sometimes you've got to stop and think about that because you go, I mean, that is winning.

That's a victory. I mean, you know, I know at one point in my life, I was out there on the fucking edge, but, you know, you're able to come back from it, going to control your life and look you were in a fucking movie with robert de nero i mean come on that's fucking impressive and you fucking killed it too bro i mean you did a thing you fucking toe to toe with fucking robert de nero what was this acting one-on-one huh joey coco diaz methadone actor he went fucking deep but i know but i'm saying dude you went from do you tell that story about

basketballs, basketballs, and what are you going from that to doing scenes with the Nero. Joey, sometimes you get to give yourself a break and go, you know, you know what,

you're right, I did, I came back. Jesus Christ, you, you sit, I sit there sometime. Listen,

there's not a day at one point when I'm showering or when I sit there and I'm eating that before 9 o'clock, I go back in my mind somewhere where, like I'm like, where was I, 22 years ago or something.

And I look at my living room. I look at the balcony. And I look at the cats. I got these two cats that are two brothers. Harry and Demi. Let's pretend I get hit by a fucking cardamom. One of my greatest achievements is I save both those brothers. I look at them every night.

And every night they sleep next to each other with their heads next to each other. No, they don't. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. So one goes west and one goes east. But their heads are two or three inches apart. And at one point, Demi, who's retarded, pops his fucking head up,

looks around, wakes up, and he gets closer to his brother and starts licking his neck. Right? And that goes on for about three minutes until Harry wakes up out of his trance. And he's like, wait a second. This ain't a fucking white dream.

This is my brother licking my neck, which means I have to lick his neck. And I'll sit there stung to the gills watching Harry licking Dimmie's neck. And this will go on for six or seven minutes. Then they get more aggressive. Then Harry puts one paw up to hold Dimmy because he's moving too much. But Dimmy doesn't get it.

Like his brother goes, I'll lick your neck. But stop fucking moving. Stop fucking moving already. But Dimmy, like, gets offended and all of a sudden they start swinging at each other. For like eight seconds, they just throw bop-pah-pah-pah. And then one of them jumps off, shakes his head. and they're back to normal. He drinks water and they lay right back next to each other.

And I'm like, that is my greatest accomplishment. They said, somebody knocked on that door and said, we'll take the one cow. Never forget looking at my wife and going, let's get with a shot. No, we'll take him for a while. Now, that's my greatest. I swear, I'm so happy I did that.

Those two motherfuckers, and I'll tell you what, their bond is so strong. When we moved, we left one cage or one down there and we brought the other one. Harry couldn't live without his brother. He was making the weirdest noises with his fucking mouth. It was scary as shit.

When we brought Jimmy back, they both started making the noise. Then they snapped out of it, like Dr. Dooloo. And they went back to me, and whatever the fuck they talk. You know what I'm saying? They want to make your friendliest cats. I love Harry.

Yeah, I love Dini. It's a pleasure to have you on. I got to tell you something. One of the happiest days in my life is where somebody was telling me that they, I went back to New York and I did this Davidel show and I really kicked ass. And I go, oh, who else was on it? And they were like, such and such and such. But they looked me in the eyeball and they go, you know, fucking destroyed that one.

And when they said, Jimmy Schubert, I got goosebumps. And I was really happy. But the first thing I thought of, Two words. Hard work. Yeah. That's, I swear in my mother's grave. That's the first thing that came to my mind.

I go, you know, hard work. And then the next thing was, I'm not surprised. You motherfuckers are surprised because you guys don't do movies or whatever. Jimmy never stopped doing stand-up. Now, let me tell you something. In 1997, when I met Jimmy Schubert, He was a real fucking headliner. So if that was close to fucking 20 years ago,

what do he think he's doing now, playing hopscotch? Let's pretend he gets this much better every year. Can you imagine? And this is a guy that's still doing 300 plus sets in fucking Beijing and Australia and troops and you do 300 sets a year. That's what you do as your training to get to the store. those first five, six years of comedy, if you don't have a log with 300 plus sets,

you're not going to make it. Your legs aren't going to be that strong when you come out here. You've been doing that since I met you, but you know who else has been doing that? Me too, my brother. That's right, my brother. And we're both.

That's crazy. That's crazy that we kept doing it. What did I tell you on the drive home? I said, this shit is not fair because the funniest guy working out there that still has a craft besides guys like Jimmy Schubert is a guy like Davidel

Yeah And but since David Tell doesn't have a podcast Or he's not hip Or this or that Me I if I'm meant to stand up at all levels I want to see it at all levels Listen man I've said it a thousand times to Lee

I love the puppet guy He entertained When I'm stung with him a moron Jeff whatever Jeff Donovan Peter I'll fucking go Jeff Dunn I'll pay 22 bucks See Jeff Dunn

We all have different fucking taste But to see guys suffer on the road because you haven't been in a movie in two years or doesn't make sense to me. Oh, God, dude. I did. And I'll tell you, man, it's not a life for everybody. And like you said, you talked about, you know, I've learned to become my own best friend on their own.

I don't, you know, I don't do carry on nearly at all. I mean, I drink coffee and I do my thing. And I go in there and I'm writing a new hour right now. I just recorded my last hour. My new special will be out soon. It's called Zero Tolerance. I did the whole thing. Produced it myself, financed it myself.

Fucking boom, went in there, set up four cameras, shot in a 4K, redid the whole joint. It looks fucking great. I just got done doing the voiceover for the opening animation, but you got to keep creating, and that's the one thing. You got to keep going out. It was like you said, I mean, dude, before I got here, I mean, this guy's like, you know, Jeff,

what was this, Jeff Altman, a guy with tour with the same set for 20 years with the same 45 minutes. But that's what everybody did back then. Now people write in a new fucking hour every year. I mean, it's crazy. But if that's what you want to do. But, you know, I mean, look at guys like Louis C.K. They come out.

It's just not enough to be the funniest guy anymore. You better be acting, create your own series. You've got to be doing all that. They raised the bar, man. It became a real job. And thank God, you know, we're talking about all carrying on and all that silly shit we did. It's become a real job now. And you've got to work at it.

You're absolutely right. And the thing is, it's like, well, great. That's fucking awesome. You know, you're out there. You're doing it. But I still love it. I still like making people laugh. I still love that human connection.

There's nothing I've done in my fucking life to come close to walking in front of a roof full of fucking 250 people. And just fucking just knocking it out of the fucking park. What about the pigeons? You like that? I still do a little bit of magic here and that. Let me ask you. The pigeons. You know what it's like to do blow and have two pigeons in a room watching?

You don't know if they flipped already. I don't know if they got a wire on them. I don't fucking know. Hey, they weren't canaries. They were pigeons. Oh, my God. You know, you have no idea where you go through in all your trails. Jimmy Schubert, I'm happy I saw you the other day.

It made me feel better about myself. Yeah, man, me too. Dude, I'm glad we're ever hook up and do this. Hard work. What were your next couple dates? Next couple of times. I'm going to be Chicago in July. I'm going back to Philly just to visit my family with my girl.

And, you know, she's going to go back to school there in Philly at Temple. I'm going to see my mom and dad hang out with my brother Joey's joint, see my nieces and stuff. You're not going to do that thing where you rent the room in somebody's house and you eat dinner with them like the commercial. Oh, the Airbnb? Yeah. You don't have a B&B? I'm going to fucking do that. I want to go stay with my family.

I got friends and family back there. My brother told me that. Has I got the room all set up? Because it's not a matter no more. No. Because it's hip to Airbnb. This young generation wants to stay at creepy people's house and take a chance like going to the Cosby room. You know what I'm saying?

Hold on. Let me open. You're staying in the Cosby room. You got this for you. I didn't fucking back when I was doing I can't wait back when I was traveling comedy and doing the road I was fucking staying in comedy condos that's all the air

fucking B and B and BIA everyone's getting some fucking opening act jerked off into the mayonnaise you couldn't fucking eat nothing I can't wait till people start taping rooms oh it's already happened perverts that have that I know there's people setting up Airbnb as we speak

that's a perverted filthy people that said oh my God wait a second I can rent a house house to a family and get the whole family in one bedroom. This is paradise. This has to be. This is watch. Watch where Airbnb goes.

Let me tell you so. I remember when fucking Airbnb first came out, I was checking around. And I was looking, I was looking for like a vacation spot. And you could rent a fucking giant teepee in fucking, and, uh, somewhere in Colorado for like an Airbnb. It was like a giant kind of had bunks in it and stuff. But it was a giant teepee. You go back there and have that experience if you want, you know what I'm saying?

I don't want that experience. You know what I'm saying? Chief, Chief Tutank's. All I got to do is Sen Lee. Right now, this was 30 years ago. All I have to do is Sun Lee around the country. He'd check out houses and tell me where they put the key. And I'll do the rest of a week later.

Lee don't know nothing. We don't know nothing. What are you talking about? I'm a burglar. I'm a computer fucking nerd. I came over here to go to a fucking Comic Con. I even bought tickets. What are you talking about?

You insult. Look at my record. I'm Jewish. I don't have you fucking suit. My uncle will fucking own that fucking. at the Airbnb house. It'll be called Syatt B&B. You understand me?

Let me ask you question. You get a cheese steak when you're filling? No, I did. Yeah, good for you. When you were... 53 years old. I got one for the grave, one of banana peel.

I go wrestle with young kids. Today, I slept four hours last night, but I went to the... I couldn't go out of meeting at once. I couldn't go to the jit-tuce. So instead I went to the whatever class. I go down there. You got to look at your fucking thing now and go,

you know, every time I go down to the draw blood, waiting for bad news. I got to go to Bob Hope next Tuesday at 945 and give him blood. Right now, you know what my head is right now in hell. Hell, I'm thinking about that. Right now during the podcast night. Yeah. I was thinking about when you were talking about politics,

I went quezzi in this motherfucker. Yeah, that's what happens. Lee Syatt. What's up with you, my brother, sitting there like a zambo delamook. Talk to me, you bad motherfucker. Who loves you more than Uncle Joe? Your dad was here. Yeah, what he got this week?

And what he got tonight? You're going out? He's slinging dick. What are you doing? No, I'm not doing No discos this weekend with the girlfriend We might do something It's funny

When you guys are talking about doing stuff Facebook has this feature now On this day And I look back And it's always like going to work Doing homework Like I feel like having any done Like a whole bunch of shit

Well stop writing stupid shit on there That'll fucking stop I see every two fucking things from you I'm like what's he talking about Why is he on Facebook talking about this shit? What are you talking about on there half the time? You're at home eating stars. Your periscopes are very good.

But your Facebook, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know, man. Save the planet Trump. What are we talking about fat people in Trump? What the fuck was that? It was the stupid joke. I was really hot. Well, the next time, call your mom and tell her.

Run it past her first before you put it on Facebook. All right? If she giggles, then put it on Facebook. You're going to put a Trump joke in her. That joke hurt my fucking face. Why? Because it's something about fat people going to Canada. I need that in my fucking life.

Canada won't take me. That means they ship me back to Cuba. I lose 200 pounds. And you're Jewish. You stay here and get an attorney and move back to Boston and eat wings and fast food. You're living in your mom's basement in captivity.

The fuck. In hiding. Whatever the fuck, it's called. I love you guys. First of all, let me yell out these sponsors here that I love with all my heart. Number one, on it. The best.

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Get some Himalayan salt. Some of that pink Himalayan salt they sell. Get a couple kettlebells. Sprayed on you. I can't give you a deal on the kettlebell. See, you're fucking me up. You're breaking my credibility. No, no.

I don't mean. Okay. Number two, my people, Chris, over there at Datsu-Sara. As far as gym bags, the fucking fanny pack, the hemp ghee comfort, it don't fit me yet. I need to drop like 80 more pounds, and then I'll fit in the fucking ghee. but that don't matter. That bag is the bag of many uses. You know why?

Because I don't know where that bag was when I was smuggling cocaine. This bag got more secret compartments. It's got a water thing. I put the water in one. I put the backup water. I put the protein powder with the nose spray and the fucking, the sweat towels

that you put in water. I put my water in cell phone. The one compartment has knee pads and older knee pads. The other thing has paperwork, a pen. So if I'm sitting there, I can write something. If I forget,

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and press in. Joey. Boom! I'm giving you 5% off right off the top. That, too, gets shipped to your house. I want to thank Anit. I want to thank Datsu Saur. I want to thank my man Chris.

I want to thank Jimmy Tushu's. And I want to thank you guys for a great month. And also, I want to fucking also say, Happy Fourth of July. Give me the National Anthem. You know what I'm saying? Let's fucking do this. And don't give me the gay Marines

because you'll insult me. This time I'll stab you at one of these water bottles. Let's go big. Let's go fucking deep. Let's take them into the murky waters of the underworld. You understand me? Listen, let's go, Lee. What's a problem?

National Anthem. N-A-T-I-O-N-A-L-A-N-T-H-E-M, whatever. I know, and I said took it off my... What happened? They took it off for copyright reasons. No, they took it off my, whatever. Jesus Christly. I need for you to have this on fucking whole pilot.

I need for you to be able to press two. No, no, no, no, no, no. I want the heavy-duty one. I want a little bit with more. That sounds like the fucking choir. Yeah, I had it on my... The Boys Town Choir. You know, after they spent the night there, you know what I'm saying?

Joey, Coco, they're all jammed up. They don't want to sing. They're up all night back there. You're up all night. You want to wear a robe and put out a Batman episode? Lee, what's the story? It's got an eagle with a big Marine in there shooting somebody. There's a Chinese guy yelling.

That's the video you want. That's the national anthem you want. What are you looking for? What are you looking for? He was playing a Star Spangled Banner before. Whatever. I don't care. Something American, Lee.

No, he was over here playing a Star Strangle Banana, bro. He's over here. He's playing something. Come on, Lee. Hit me. I'm sorry, I had it on my thing. Why would you take it off, Lee? I didn't.

I don't know what happened. Get me a good anthem, Lee. You're slowing down my pace here, Lee. I was all emotional and fucking charged up for this. And now that's it. You broke the fucking spirit. I was ready to go off. You understand?

Oh, Jesus Christ. It sounds like you after 10 stars. Just put fucking. the regular song on. I love you guys. America, fucking raise your chins. You're bad motherfuckers.

We ain't scared of nobody. You understand me? Tragedies, whatever. It's here. Accept it. And fucking go out there with a smile.

Grab your balls until all these motherfuckers to suck your dick. You're back like fucking hurt. Hold on one second. What happened? What? I do have it.

This is what I got to live with. Let's see. Come on, Lee. Let's go. Oh, Jesus Christ. Here we go. Crank that motherfucker mule. Frank it, Lee.

Stop. Ha-ha. I'm losing my rap here. It's the 4th of July weekend. And never forget, you're a fucking American. You understand me? You kill, you stab, whatever the fuck you need to do. You're a fucking American, you understand me?

Stop with the bullshit. Don't let me catch you on the phone like a fucking fruitcake. Shine your shoes. Stop fucking crying about it. the economy and they'll let the immigrants in. You got to outwork the fucking immigrant. You understand me? You got to outwork the immigrant.

Why should the fucking Armenians have fucking those nice cars? Lexus. Lexus, because they know how to negotiate. You're a dumb fuck. You got a for 1980. Grab your fucking heart. Salute the flag, you fucking dirty.

I'm out of words. You broke the moat. Forget about it. It took too long. I was fired up. I had a little sentimental speech. I was going to shed a tear. I apologize.

You know, I love you. I don't give a fuck. Let's play some fucking musically. I love you guys. We'll be back Monday, ready to fucking rock and roll. Thank you.

Have a happy 4th of July. And keep your fingers fucking, you know. Don't become a shop teacher because that's what a guy does when he loses a finger. That's right. It doesn't make a difference where you do. You could be the financial advisor.

You go on the 4th of July. You blow off two digits. You become a shop teacher. That's it. You lose all your street credit. It's your dick together. Have a great weekend. Be safe.

Uncle Joey loves you. Peace. Goly. This show was brought to you by Datsusara. Go to DSgear.com and use code word Joey to save 5% on their extremely high quality functional gear made with hemp textiles. They have bags, geese, rashcards, and much, much more. It's code word Joey to save 5%. And the show is brought you by Onat.com.

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