The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #394 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: July 4, 2016

Kate Quigley, Comedian, host of the 2016 AVN Awards on Showtime, and host of  the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.  Recorded live on 07/03/16

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like Alva Brain, New Moot, Trim Tech, Immune, and Trum Tech Sport. I'm fucking believable. We're coming. We're coming at you, cock suckers. Fourth of July. Happy, Happy Fourth of July, motherfuckers. Look for a Chinese guy and get those fucking fireworks half off today.

Today they're half off. Fourth of July. You're going to get stuck on them? What are you going to do? Put them in your basement. Listen to this groove I got for you, cock suckers. Kick this mulee. Kick this motherfucker Lee.

Don't worry about nothing. Lee. Kick this motherfucker. Kick it. The Fourth of July, Coxuckers. It's America's birthday. Smoke that fucking flag to they motherfuckers The church of what's happening now Oh shit

Get up, cock suckers It's a beautiful day to be alive Motherfuckers make it happen Fucked up to the gills Uncle Joey What? Lee Syatt Kay Quigley living in the van Fuck it

To that bass Kick that mulee Kick that mule Make a lot of league All the way I want them to hear this fucking bass That's a black suit playing that fucking face.

Listen to this shit. It's connected to his fucking hair. Listen to it. You hear that? That's a black motherfucker right there. Happy 4th in July, cock suckers.

Here we go. Fuck yeah. Kate Quigley's in the house. Fresh from the Roosevelt Hotel, aka Chlamydia Central. That fucking place, you go in a pool and you get that rash Lee got up in that jacuzzi.

And that fuck. I hope not. We went to a jacuzzi up in fucking Bad Mountain with his girlfriend. It was a romantic jacuzzi. He got in the tub that was fucking sperm in there from 19th. He came back with fucking psoriasis and the fucking shit. Oh, it was the worst. I always get it.

And I can never go anywhere. Did you really get a rash from a hot tub? Yeah, I got a rash and a stye. A stott in your eye? Yeah, because I was an idiot and went underwater. Oh, in a jacuzzi? I just got in. When you say you were at the rosary.

Well, I put myself in your body and in your mind and your eyeballs for 30 minutes just to see how the guys act. You know, Kate, Kate, come here. We buy you drink. You want to meet her friend. He's producer. Kayak, come here. Say hello to Kate. That does happen.

Kate is beautiful woman. Thank you. Thank you. Actually, though, I went today. What are you fucking thanking me for? This is the character of Ali Al-Au. Introducing to his friend Kayak so you can get it together and start a production company. I mean, right.

that happened. I got offered several roles. Actually, I took two girlfriends today who are much hotter than me, and so it was kind of fun because I just sat back and I let all the guys just talk to them. And I wasn't drinking. So there was no reason for me to talk to anyone, really.

You know there's somebody down there passed on Ruffies. Actually, a guy did come up to me and offer me a drink. Yeah, yeah. One guy came up and offered a drink to my friend, and I made him drink it first in front of us. When I fucking talk to you, I think all the things I got to do with my daughter, like early on, like, don't talk to motherfuckers.

Just don't talk to them. They don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. Just keep fucking walking, you know. It's so funny because my stepdad, like, instilled that in me that, like, all guys were up to no good to the point of where it took me a long time

before I would even, like, talk to any guys because I just thought that they were all trouble. And that's all. But now I've gone the complete other way, because I feel guilty. I feel guilty for prejudging guys when I first meet them. If they seem broie or douchey now, I try to be nice and give them the benefit of the doubt.

So now I'll talk to anyone. That's what's happened. I'll talk to anyone. You got to fucking stop that shit. No, it's good. It's a good thing. There's hypnotist out in the law. I knew a guy that became a hypnotist,

and I guarantee he left in a rush. And I always think of that if he left because in years, these women are going to fucking wake up and go, He banged me when I was under. No way. Guys would do a lot of crazy shit. Yes, I know. Guys will do crazy shit.

I've done some crazy things, but I was never really over the top. Like I knew as I was doing it, I was like, wait a second. You got to check yourself, Joey. All you got to do is jerk off, and this will all go away, these creepy emotions and all these shit. Is that true? What do you mean? That's all you have to do. The minute you jerk off, it goes away.

Let me explain something to you. I can how this works. I go out to a club. right I bump into Kate we start talking Kate thinks I'm handsome I'm a young 24 year old guy I got abs and shit I'm smooth from Chicago

I talk to Kay I'm smooth from New York I don't hit on you but I take me a number to take a date you know and and I ask you where you're going to be tomorrow night or something like that right this is so weird because this happens to guys a lot yeah then tomorrow and I'll go out and I get two or three numbers or whatever

and I'm a good looking dude I make okay money I'm college education that I share a condo with some dudes. I was watching Boomerang last night. Have you watched Boomerang? Boomerang is a Niddy Murphy movie. He plays a marketing executive. Oh, yeah.

You should have seen his fucking apartment. Like waterfalls and fucking 10 TVs. They were watching the Nick game. And there's 10 TVs and fucking, you know, the kitchen. And, you know, in New York City. And you're looking at this going, this is 10 grand a month. Yeah. You know, then you can invite women up.

You can't invite women up. You got a roommate, and his name is Lee, and he's watching the fucking ESPN, and he won't get the hint, Lee. Get the fuck up. I made salmon for it, and you want to talk about fucking the Boston trade. That is the worst one. There's roommates. There's a roommate. Especially when it's a grown-up.

There's just so many little fucking things that, but back to the story. Okay, so now I got six numbers. Yeah. So I come home on that, I have a few cocktails. I do a couple lines of Coke. Yeah. I get home about one. And you know what, man?

I start dialing. You start dialing those girls. All of them? Well, you got six, so now you're going to get one of them. You're in a great position. Because you got five numbers. You're calling up. Are you texting up?

Whatever. What's happening? Who's this? Steve, I met you the other night. No, shit, where are you? I'm at the club. Listen, I got some boozy. I got a gram a blow.

Why don't you come over you? I got my girlfriends with me. Lose them. You know, put them on a fucking Uber. Surprise you said lose them and not just bring them. Who the fuck? I got to deal with three. I'm trying to get the one.

Now I got two of them. Well, you got Lee as a roommate. No, I got no Lee as a roommate. Oh, okay. I'm a handsome, young executive type. You know what, man? That's how it works. I go home with six numbers.

I'm going to call them until one of them says yes or no or maybe tomorrow. What are you wearing? I got a hot bikini on for you right now. Okay, now I'm left with a thought. Now I got one place to go. I got either fucking, I got either fucking one of those sites to get a hooker or something like that. So now before you do this, you've already called all your numbers, you throw on fucking

UPorn and you go bang one out. And next thing you know, all those emotions you had, all those phone call, gone. Really? You fall asleep with your dick in your hands and shit with the Coke still there the next morning. That's true. That kind of works for me too. Because, yeah, it takes the, that's it. This is what you want anyway.

This guy's going to call you back in an hour when he finishes at work. An hour. Yeah, you don't want to wait. An hour. You're hot and bothered. Right. fucking now to make this work you gotta get in that uber right fucking now and come over here but i have a question about this because i always wonder this because i imagine guys when they're in that mind

space when they want to hook up that bad that they probably don't hit up one girl and then we they hit up well no no no no that's you don't sound like all of them no no that's amateur game no no that's amateur what happens if you send one you gotta call them and feel them out oh you call you call you have old school that you call you have to call you got a call and feel them out I like the calling. You got a call. What's going on with you? You're okay?

Do you need anything? Where are you? It's two in the morning. What do you got in? You got anything? I don't know, though. If I just met a guy and any calls? I just have an argument with some guy at the bar.

I feel terrible. It's so happy that you called. I've been thinking about you. Bam! That's that fucking quick. And you've been there, Kate. You've been on the receiving end of that. You met some guy on Tuesday and now Friday you're at his house.

You're tied up and you're thinking about your life. Like, what the fuck happened to me? I was at a bar with six of my girlfriends. Now I'm over here tied up. You know, it's fucking crazy how hooking up lifestyle. I was talking to Lee one night. We got back, and I've mentioned this in the podcast, four or five times because it was devastating, Kate. I'm 53 years old.

I've never considered myself like a good-looking guy. I've never really like, you know, you give me 10 lines of Coke. I'll go up to fucking Naomi Cam. I'll tell her her pussy's back at Jack. Like, I just go. I'll just say something to throw you off balance, and either you bite the hook, or I walk out of they were alone yeah saying like I come up to you when I was 28 I come up to you with a grandma blow is good looking at his jungle Kate you want to talk to this fucking

accountant listen I'll suck your fucking pussy till the bugle comes out get your drink let's get out I just turn around and I just turn around walk out and I look back three steps later if you were walking with me oh my god that I luck out you know what shut up oh my god and turn and walk off you got that would work on me a hundred it's Anthony Robbins it totally works it's Anthony Robbins because then we're like what the fuck just happened and then we felt you. Listen, you do blah. You do, well, listen, I got a Coke from the Colombian. You watch Pablo Escobar? That really does work. Yeah.

Let's go back to the house. I got some wine. I put a Coke rock in you Clint will numb. I'll hit it with a hammer. You understand me? And then you just go, and right there, the girl's doing that. You see what's happening me now? Are you fucking telling me this? I'm doing it. I heard Coke and Clint. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Women would just look at you and go, are you fucking retarded? Oh, they look at you and go, what about my boyfriend? Just follow me. And I was telling me for an hour. Now, I'm not a good-looking guy. I don't play percentages. You watch guys play percentages when you go out with your girlfriends. Yeah. You sit back and you go, watch these guys. These are percentage guys.

They just go from broad to broad to broad to broad. You talk to 12. You're going to get three numbers. You're going to bang one of them. Even if you've got a little bit of money, a BMW 5 at the pool on a Sunday. I talk to 12 broads. You're right. I'm going to tie one of them up on a fucking Tuesday night

when she least expected after the Viper room. Yeah, totally. She didn't even shave. You know what I'm saying? Like I just brought her home. She didn't even shave the monkey. Bam! Tying this shit up.

Hot. Sounds great. It's just so crazy how I was telling Lee this shit. And the more I talked to Lee, the more I was jogging my memory of all the disgusting, comedy, disgusting, disgusting, drug-induced, disgusting. Sex that you had. Disgusting. Just disgusting.

Like, you sit there and you go. one of these women thinking 20 years later like it was just a disgusting They probably barely remember They really do They probably were just as fucked up as you were On whatever they were on whatever they were

I went in that night And I couldn't even sleep That night from telling them the stories They were all coming out one after Well here's the thing I think it's not that they forget I think that that one night With that story

Is their entire Party story list And you run off like 40 in like 30 minutes That could be that that night to them is because like I I recently had like a crazy sex capade thing happen where I was at first kind of embarrassed about it and then I was like no but it's cool now I had like a wild crazy sex store like for them they could be like you were there you were their wild crazy sex guy no these people crazy way before I met them I just happened to be there at the right

place right time no they were going to blow somebody. I just happened to be that. Oh, those girls. By the cigarette machine. You know, standing there, oh, just whatever. I remember going to that, being in my hotel, being in the condo or the, the craziest condo ever was Miami Improv, Coconut Grove. If you chose the hotel, you had to walk three or four blocks. The only thing you had by there was Pollo Tropical, which is fucking tremendous.

It's polloo local only with Cuban food. So it's quick, too, like a bowl with black beans, a piece of chicken. It's that chicken that. As you're eating it, you can taste the tears. They beat it, they stabbed it, they put it in the cage. Yum. They killed the mother in front of it. You know what I'm saying?

That's the best kind. The best kind. They kill the chicken's mother in front of. Fuck you, cock, fuck. They fucking do things to those chickens. But that condo was, let me tell you something. When I think of that, sometimes, like, I'm driving and I think of that condo, I don't even think of a woman. I just think of the condo.

And my dick gets hard. Shut up. I got to step it up. Really? Let me tell you how dirty the condo is. I would tie women up every time I go to that condo. And I went back 10 years later and all the ropes were still hanging on the sides. Let me tell you something.

This is where it gets even sexier. It was a bed that folded into the wall. It was a Miami Vice Condo for one. So you had your own private balcony overlooking the pool. You had a kitchen. Fucking the place would freeze up in the summer. I love it cold. Women would freeze to death in there.

I'd put it down to 40. It would freeze. There'd be fucking ice on the windows. It had a living room, but the bed pulled out of the wall old school. A Murphy bed. Like you just be dropping it on. And all of a sudden, you get them down to the bikini. And all of a sudden the bed would just come down.

There you go. It's over. You had the AC in Miami down to 40? Oh, my God. I broke it twice. Shut up. It was freeze up when I was doing Coke because I'm in there snort and Coke. She tied these girls up and leave them there to freeze to death.

and just go out. I would leave them tied up all night, wake up in the morning, and then wake up before them and watch them realize that they were tied up and they'd get up. And sometimes I cut them loose the night before, but sometimes I don't even talk. Holy shit, they must have freaked out the fuck out. Listen, when you're doing an eight ball

and you got a gram on your pussy and it's caramelized, the freaking out is over. You understand me? You got coax knots coming out of your pussy. Dude, oh, my God. It's disgusting. Are you serious? One night I went to that.

I did Coke till like four in the morning by myself. I jerked myself off to death. I can't do this no more. I got to find the woman. I walked on to the news cafe, and I started talking to this girl that was at 12. My boyfriend just left. Fuck him.

I'm going to suck somebody else's dick. Captain America's right here. Shut up. Back to the condo, and she said, if I could do a headstand, she would take her clothes off. I couldn't even do a fucking push-up. I did a headstand for the sake of them.

She asked you to do a headstand to, If you could do a headstand, you're getting this pussy. I think I'm making it too easy for guys. I need to start being like, get on your fucking head. Like, I've never done that. Crazy, crazy stories. I was telling me about a couple that she was a fucking medical student. He was a pilot.

And he was gone. They had just graduated college. I would talk to this girl the way I'm talking to you for a year. Like at the bar, her boyfriend was the bartender working to be. He was like an apprentice pilot. for the airlines. Yeah. This is how he was paying off his loans.

And she was a medical student, like sweet polypuret. I would talk to her and him like this. Like, how are you? What's going on? Yeah. Something happened. They put him in the bag bar. I would talk to this girl.

Talk to this girl. How were you? And I talked to her girlfriends would come. Her brother would come to the comedy club because they had like the boyfriends, my bartender type attitude. Right. You know what I mean? She would bring her friends.

And I'd be the comic. I'd be the feature act. Every other fucking week I was in Miami as the feet. feature act. So I talk to every fucking girl there. I knew all the girls I came down there. And one year I go down there and I'm there way before my wife. This is, I'm down there. I'm not even, you know when you're not even thinking about it. It's not even in your head. It's fucking. No, I don't know what that's like. It's Valentine's Day. Nobody's in a suck of dick randomly on Valentine's thing. What are you talking about? That's like the day to do it. If you have a boyfriend, not to go to the bar and hook up with somebody. Oh, she's at the bar whining that he has to work. What kind of man works and I don't even. I don't even. I don't. And I'm sitting there going, and I'm minding my own business.

And all of a sudden, she goes, she comes on, she goes, do you do coke? Yeah, I do it. She goes, do you have it? And I go, yeah. She goes, can you give me a line? Can I buy a line from you? You go? No, I'm going to go do a line right now.

You know, whatever, just walk me to the bathroom. Now give it to you. She goes, no, because then people are known, walk to the thing over there by the parking structure. So I walk to the parking structure. I give it two bumps. I do two bumps. We talk. We talk, we talk, we talk.

I don't know how it happened My dick popped out of my pants And she dropped to her hands and knees I don't know how it happened It's a great guy story by the way No idea how it happened But out came my dick It wasn't creepy

Like I couldn't be creepy with her I knew her So something had to happen Did you have like the shorts on the head Like the fly No I know He did not just pop out His dick did not just pop out

He popped out You hold your dick out No no no no no It seems like She went for it She took your dick out We started talking about some And she was like talking about

that she had underwear on. Nice underwear for Valentine's Day. She had to see him. I had to see him. So I go, let me see him. She just dropped his skirt, and she had a thong with her ass on fire, the whole thing. I touched it. She turned around, touched my helmet.

One thing led to the other. Touched my helmet. Yeah, you pull it out. Next thing you don't. And then we go back to the thing. She sits there again. I do the show. I come off.

I'm like, you're still here. Yeah. Let's go do another line. Went into another line. Bam, again. Now this was how crazy this was. This went on. Wait, this all happened in a parking lot.

This all happened on the third floor of a second floor of a mall. On the second floor of a mall. Right before you go to parking. Here's what gets creepy. We continued our relationship. Like, I didn't go back down there for like three months. And I got back down there and I see him. And I think we're going to fist right.

He's like, how are you doing? I missed you? He goes, me and the wife were just talking about you the other day. And I'm like, they got married? No, no, no, no. They were like engaged and shit. So now nothing else that happened between us. He goes, you should call her.

She wants to talk to you. He gives me, like, at the phone number, and I'm at the bar, and I'm like, what's up? How are you? And I go, you're going to come down here, and I know what? You filthy am. She goes, who's this? Joey there? She throws the phone down.

I go, I'm in trouble about 10 minutes later on. It's like, Joey. She goes, oh, my God, I overreacted. Where are you? I'm at the end part. She goes, I'm coming right down. What? This went on.

That's a crazy person. She's crazy. This went on for six months. She went on for six months. I get a package. I tell him, we're going to go to a bar. We'd go to the condo. We'd get it on and we'd come back like nothing happened.

Here's what gets even creepier. This is where it gets even creepier. This would happen at 9.15 because I wasn't the headliner. I was the feature. Right after you came off. We'd come right back at 915 and go, it was kind of empty the bar.

Then this is where it gets fucking crazy. At about two, I would walk over to the dolphin bar and they'd be there. And I'd sit with them and he'd tell me how she'd needed a line of coke. And I go, let's go. And we go to the back from law. No. And right with him in the booth, we'd get it on the bathroom. Jesus Christ, it was horrific. What kind of boyfriend sends his girlfriend to get a line of below with the guy. And then, no, no, they weren't married. They were engaged. And then there were nights, I would get back to my condo at four or five and call him.

Dude, he knew. He knew. He had to know. I would call him. He was a drunk. So I would call him at five. And they go, what's up? How are you? We're all here part and come over. I can't. I'd be coked up the gills. I go, I can't come over. And he go, you want to talk to? I forget what the name was when I talked to him. I go, come over quick. She'll give me 15 minutes. He'll pass out. She'd pass out. She'd come over at five. We'd 69 for an hour. She'd go right back over there and sleep and wake up with him. And I'd never question. I never said nothing. Did you ever feel bad? At that time, listen, at that time, I was a feature I'd get in 600 a week, just trying to fucking do what. Get by. I was just trying to be a kind of.

and write jokes and this was part of my lifestyle. Don't you think he knew, though? Listen, I got on a bus one fucking time to go to Buffalo, and I met this girl. In three minutes, and she's telling me how she's the best stripper in Syracuse, but she had to leave Syracuse because the health department was looking for her

for health code violations and surely the chick had syphilis or some shit. So she had to go dance for a week before they caught up with her. I don't know what she had. I don't know what she had. They're stripping health code violations? In New York at the time? I guess so.

Oh my gosh. You know. Okay. Again. And she's like, do you have any money? And we fucked right in the bus. I mean, this was a comic's life. I am a comic.

I don't have this life. You have no idea. I want that life, kind of. Being in Detroit at a comic shop and talking to this girl about her boyfriend for an hour. And then her going, do you want to go smoke a drunk? Me and my girlfriends. Yeah, we go to a ball. We're shooting pool.

She goes, do you want to ride back to the hotel? Absolutely. She goes, let me get my ride back. I'll come back. On the way that, she's telling me how she likes it in the ass. People are coming her ass. That's the main fucking thing. No one never said that to me.

I'm sitting there going, how is this possibly happening? If I was good-looking, I could see. But I'm just a dirty fucking comment. It's because you're funny. Girls love funny dudes. We went back and had a relationship. She had a boyfriend that was on the road. I would just come to, I would just come to Michigan just to stay with her for a week.

You're everybody's sidepiece. And here's, this is where it gets even kinkier. Her husband lived in the house with her. It was one of those dirty white people families where They got divorced, but he won't leave. So he fucks chicks next door, and she fucks guys next door, and the kids live in the basement. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can write a book just on those escapades. Oh, my God. Just on those 10 years being in Idaho and the fucking, like the guy under the general on the base is blowing me behind the curtains. Like the guy under the general on the base. And everybody kept saying to me, hey. A guy? No, no, no, the chick that, no, no, the guy under the general. His wife, his wife.

I'm like Joey. Damn. His wife is, now we're getting real. This is where it gets crazy. His wife is give me a blowjob behind the stage. And all of a sudden, somebody opens the curtain and I turn around. Guess what? You think she fell off my dick? Hell no.

She held on to that Johnson, and I dragged her for like four feet, a little fucking dirty feet. Shut up. This is just. You're lucky to be alive. You're lucky that no one's husband killed you. Husband. You know, I was telling him about El Paso. And El Paso in the old days, the week started on Tuesday and then on Saturday.

So Tuesday was hookup night. You'd either hook up Tuesdays or Wednesdays with some fucking Mexican chick down there. And by Friday, she'd be coming back introducing you to her husband. Oh, my God. And you're going, I never asked you. You never said nothing. No way. It was, you go on the road and you really find out about the,

human mind like years later at the comedy store there were comics that would get their dick sucked while the girls were on a date they get up to go to the bathroom the comics would take them in there and they go right back and sit next to their dates you know and you now you can't do does this you can't say nothing bad about these people because after a while I started looking at this human behavior that you get into experience you know people live for a hundred and I could see if I had a bad ass car or if I was Johnny Volachi or if I was a gangster, but at the time I was just a dirty comic going from town to

town doing 25 minutes. And you really learn about fucking human baby. About fucking. No, listen. Listen, I come in a minute. And in those days, I would come in 30 seconds, man. Shut up. Me too, kind of. So it's kind of fucking embarrassing, like that these things happen. But I sit there sometimes and I feel sorry because this is somebody's mom. I was telling me when I was in Boulder, Colorado. I'm doing blow. It's four in the morning. I can't find my roommate's Coke. He's got it with him. I got to go rob him at this party. I get to this party. I go downstairs and check because you want to play ping pong. We're playing ping pong. A euphemism for not? Nah, ping pong. Real Chinese ping pong. Bah, bah, bah. Chinese one on? Next thing you know,

is that a pretty ping pong where you take your shirt off if you lose. That's how you play. Next thing you know, we're both naked. And, you know, she's telling me how she has to get up in two hours and go to her son's little league game. You know, and here I am fucking putting co-crucks in her ass in 69. I don't think it's that bad, though. I feel like... It's terrible. No, it's disgusting.

No, it's not. You're fucking... You're young and you're having a life. Oh, at the time. At the time. Oh, my God. This wasn't last week. You're allowed.

I'm just starting to have a life. I'm just starting to do that shit. I'm just starting to. I'm just starting to learn the casual sex. I never did it. And you're inspiring me because... No, it's disgusting. That's not casual sex.

That's fucking. Take a treat. No. Listen, casual sexism. Me meeting you on match.com. Me buying you a few dinners respecting you. And one night we go for cocktails and we fucking suck. And then something happens.

You don't like the smell on my feet. You find that I got to sleep at me machine. There could be a thousand things. You know what I'm saying? I find out you have other boyfriends that you date other guys. I don't like that. I thought you were a Christian girl. Whatever.

You know the fucking guys. How fucking creepy they get. Every guy has that little fucking. thing in his head. And all the thing, you're like, I just found this out now. We've been together for seven months. Now you tell me you don't like them girl shit.

That never happens to me. Well. Because I say everything. I say everything up front, like things you shouldn't even. The other day I told a guy while we were having sex that he'd be a hot gay guy. Because it's not something you want to tell a guy while his dick is in you. And I was like,

I'm sorry, but it's just like came to me. I just say whatever's in my head. Joey, I want to have what you had. I don't. I want to just, look. Here's the thing.

It's disgusting. It's embarrassing to talk about it is. Okay. I think it's, you know, and those are just the fucking, that's just like a quarter of them. Like, you know, drugs really added to it. Like, let me talk about drugs. I quit cocaine. You see the mentality of women with drugs.

I mean, Lee, you can know a woman sleep with a four times drinking and then sleep with the same woman on coke and it's two different fucking savages. It makes you crazy. It makes you so. It makes you. guys like. So hard. Why is it so hard sober? Because like I'm realizing that I never, I don't have these stories because I'm not much of a drinker. Well, there's other reasons, but I'm also not

much of a drinker and I never did coke. Well, drinking is one thing. All right, getting drunk with a girl and you're fuck and now you get dead dick and you both pass out and somebody pukes. That's one thing. But. Girls on cocaine. Girls on cocaine when you're doing it and you have it planned. Well, not even.

Not planned. Not planned. Kate was going on. Not like on April. Let's go back to the house. And Kate and me have been friends for years. But at six o'clock after you snort on an airborne, things happen. You know what I'm saying? But it's different for guys, right? Because guys, I mean, guys have a trouble staying hard on cocaine. Right.

In the beginning, it's a trick. They trick you. You don't come and your dick stays like fucking a wall. And then one day, it just all changes. And it drives you crazy for a year because you just told this girl, you were going to fuck her to her ears fell off. And now you're beating yourself. Right.

And you're telling her to play with herself. and you're doing creepy fucking shit, you know, and that's the shit that has always bothered me. That's the shit that had always, that's always bothered me. It was the creepiness on the drugs. Like, what are those people thinking today?

It makes you make... And I'm not saying that they're going like, but at one point, somebody must say to them, so, come on, we've been together for 20 years, how many guys have you slept with? And you know, the idiot going to say, well, did I tell you had a three or something else?

Now that puts doubt. You can't take them down. deep but you could tell him like well a guy had a carrot up my ass one time but whatever the fuck you know whatever because on coke you do that dumb oh my god it's true you do that's why i stopped oh please i was making bad decisions bad life choices bad no no no no no bad sex choices bad i didn't do i mean i didn't can i tell you okay i haven't told this story on anything this is embarrassing as fuck but because i love you and your people will love this story i'm gonna tell it i i did

I was doing some blow and I was hooking up with this guy that I probably shouldn't have been hooking up with in the first place because he's a porn. He's a porn actor. I don't like to call him start whatever. Porn guy. I never let guys fuck me in the butt. Oh no, no. I don't because I'm afraid. I'm afraid not of the pain.

I'm afraid of like hemorrhoids and cancer and poop. That's the truth. Wait, wait, wait. Anal sex can give you cancer? I read a statistic that said that it increases your risk. I'm just a crazy thing is what if you like. it. I knew I would like it. Nike, what if you? I knew I would like it.

I knew I would like it because I like other things, you know, there. Leave it. Okay. But I'm assuming since he's a porn guy, it wasn't like a small penis. It's fine. It's good. It's a good size. But it's not too big. It's not like,

he's not like that black dude with the foot long dick. Like, it's pretty normal. So, anyway, so I decided if I was going to try it, he's the guy to do it, though, because he's an expert. Like, he's a professional. And I figured he would know how to do it without her.

Joey is horrified. I know, I know. Okay, so I let him. I can talk this shit. I don't like a woman talk this shit. It makes me crazy. It drives me nuts. I know my face gets ridden.

I know, like, how bad he's bludgeoning. Oh, my God. It's terrible. So, like, so that's not even the important part of the story. I let him do it, okay? And actually, I liked it. Right, no shit. It was great.

It was a party. It was great. And guys that fucking creepy on it. When a guy knows, that he could fuck in the ass, we get creepy. Guys love it. We get extra creepy. Especially when they know it's the first, like he knew I never did it before.

Oh, yeah, he went nuts. Okay, so, so then, but here's the thing. The next day, for me it was kind of a big deal because I was like an ass virgin. I felt like I gave him something special, you know? But for him is nothing. So walk in the park because he does it all the time. So the next day, he never texts me to say like, hey, great time. Thanks for coming up.

Like anything, you know, which, which apparently. my guy friends say is not a big deal since we'd hooked up many times. I thought I deserved a special text this thing, right? A flower. A burger. Some time. Howmark doesn't make the... Maybe a peach.

Annal text card. No, they don't make that car. So I call my friend and I'm complaining. She picks up the phone. She's like, hey, Kate, what's up? I'm like, I'm so pissed at this guy. Can you believe I let this motherfucker fuck me in the ass. I never let a guy do that before.

And he didn't even text me today to say, thank you. He didn't call me. He didn't say shit. and I'm just, I'm really pissed. I don't know if I should never talk to him again, if I should end it. And she goes, sir, I'm really sorry. My friend's a comedian. She doesn't really filter her language.

Kate, I'm in an Uber pool and you're on speaker phone. So I said this in front of an Uber driver and two other guys that were in the Uber with her. And then, and then while I'm still on speaker, the guy goes, oh, she sounds hilarious. Who is she? And my friend goes, oh, her name's Kate Quigway. She just hosted the Avian Awards. should check her out. So like 20 minutes later, I get a follow on my Instagram and a comment from a guy that goes,

hey, I was in your friend's Uber. I hope your asshole's not too sore on my Instagram. And then the next day he's like, if you ever want to hang out sometime? Sure. No. Oh, you get a lot of friends when you tell people. Oh, my God. I'm not going to do it regularly.

It was like an experimental thing. It's not good. I was saving it for love. I wanted it to be. the thing that I gave, the next guy I loved. You know, because I... It's just a mistake. Just write it off and don't tell the next guy.

I'm never telling. You can't, I can't ever tell any guy ever that I hooked up with a porn guy. I learned that lesson. You can't do that. Guys get a little like, it would be like me telling you. Why you invite me over here? You already got the dick of dick. You're going to make me come over here and feel fucking irregular.

And after six months, you're going to drop it on me. I've been thinking... I've been going to tell my friends, I've been drilling the shit out of Kate. Her eyeballs are flying out of the head. Little do I know. she banged fucking Johnny Ludwig and you know he shot all over and whatever the fuck so it's kind of fucking weird you know yeah it is but you know the great thing is if you do tell them ladies even if it's not true I say tell guys actually because they try harder because they're

like oh she banged a porn guy fuck no guys are like forget I ain't following that but you it's like going to the store following Ron White in front of CBS I'm not doing this shit it's over they're already Cractor. That's it. What do I need to go in there for? I'm going to send the flowers. That's the other thing. Once a guy fucks you in the ass, there's no more dinners. You know what I'm saying? There's no more dinners. There's no reason to take it to the movies no more. What's the best date you can get? Really? Yeah. That makes sense that you're right. Once I fuck in the ass, game over. There's no ring. That's it over. I should have saved it for the ring. Well, once you like a guy enough, you say, don't listen. Let's experiment. You know, I've never done this before. You know, jelly that muffler up and send it home for Mama. That's it. and fucking take your best shot, big shot, and that's it.

Jelly, that muffler. I'm wedding night or something, you know. He'll ask you, you never did it before, and you go, no. And he'll fucking. I've never done it. That's when they go fucking nuts. That's when a guy will go nuts. I'm going to be the first one to bust this fucking muffler, and it's over.

Then they'll never take your dinner again. No, but that time you married him, he's already taking it. But in the beginning, if a guy fucking in the air, listen. Well, wasn't the very beginning. It wasn't the first time. never going to hear from that dude i have heard from him a little yeah right yeah that's it you're right the romance is done it's done no romance that's good or we fall in love even more listen the next day either when you wake up there's a dozen roses like a finger cut off there was

not or you never hear from this month fucking get like the next day is i'm all in i learned a lesson because if i'm listen in different times of my life like when i was 27 no no no before i went to prison I was unloomy. I was a fucking savage then, too. It was, like, when I first started comedy, and I went back in 95, I was fucking lonely. So if a girl would have came to me and said, you know, bust me in the muffler, I would have fainted. I would have fucking fainted. Like, just dropped.

I didn't put it like that. Well, you know, I know. You got to say, you know, put it back to you got to turn around and look at your asshole. I didn't even say, I didn't even say I wanted to. It just happened in the moment. It was like he just wanted to. And I was said, I was kind of like, I'm not sure. And then before I knew it, he was like, too late.

You spread all fours and just throw your toilet paper up in the air. They know exactly what you're talking about. That means I surrender. It's over. Stick it in there, big boy. Dad, I'm sorry. To me, again, this is where you're going to fucking die when I tell you what I have to tell you. Please.

To me, when I did it, I felt so fucking disgusting. Really? Like, after I did it. It's gross, right? It is gross. I thought that I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it to the specific girl. And I was telling me this story that I used to give her a stab at the night when we were sleeping.

I'd get up in the middle of the night and just fucking torment it. Shut up. And one night she was sleeping on her belly down and I just put it in a fucking muffler. You did not while she was asleep? Oh, fuck yeah. Joey. Yes, I did. I was young.

Oh my God. Did she wake up? No, she stayed there like a Cosby victim. Fuck yeah, you wake up. Somebody puts their dick in your asshole. I don't know. wake up. I was in love with her, but she was like, we'll talk about this later. And I'm like, no, no, we got to fucking do this. I'm a savage. So your answer was to shoving her bow? I was downstairs doing all cooked up, I'm going to go up there and just fucking go for it when she's sleeping. This is why you don't do drugs. So she don't think about it. And we finished it and everything. She didn't say take it out. I mean, it was good while it was happened to get woke up. Once it's in, it's fine. Once you get woken up with a dick in your head. You might as well, you're fine. It's waking up and somebody's creeping in her.

Is that setting on your iPhone? You're like 6.45 a. Dick and ass. You feel the maple syrup around your ass. I don't know, but can I just say, I just want to give, I just want to say that when I did it, the guy is, was really good. It never hurt. I was never sore the next day.

It never hurt. Well, he's a professional. It's like when I go give blood. If the fucking some dude off the street takes blood on me, it's going to hurt. It's the lady who does it every fucking day of the life. I know. And that's why I don't think I would ever do it. with a regular guy. They threw your mind off, you know, because a regular guy will flip you over.

Yeah, and he'll just shove it in that. But saliva in your asshole, or he'll let the monkey juice drip, and then he'll hang you upside now. No one's hanging you upside down, Joe. No one's doing... That's all school. I used to hang him upside down, and they drip into the muffler and everybody's happy. Oh, good Lord. This was not what we had planned for that. What? You didn't have ass sex written on the show? No, not at all. I wasn't going to talk to you about life, but, you know, this is my life right now. No, listen, I am, like, I would never tell my wife any of these stories.

Oh. I would never even consider that. She doesn't watch this? No. Oh, that's good. She doesn't watch it. That's good. Listen, I would never tell anybody, like, this is.

It's private between you and us and. This is 20 fucking years ago. This all happened between 90 fucking three. and 2,000 guys, what I ran in for was a lesson in life. Instead of a college degree, I got a life degree on psychology, just how people think and why they think that way. Yeah. You know, it's fucking tremendous.

Like, it all goes into the comedy. You see how people say to you, okay, go on the road, can't go on the road, especially when you're young. Go on the road, go on the road, going to road. Because not only do you learn about the stage, but you learn about fucking psych human psychology like just a crick and it's not the things people do it's the thing you're doing for your dream yeah that's true and this is all part of your fucking dream like this to me is all part of it that I've tucked away Kate and one night me and him it just started coming out and my heart was beating and I was sweating and my fingertips were getting numb because this is stuff like that's painful now like you're like this one It was pure disgust. And you got to, you got to assume 80% of these girls did this disgusting things because of the drugs.

Yeah. But also like maybe they were, I feel like I've been going through a period lately and maybe you did where it's like you're learning about yourself and you're doing things you've never done before and you're like exploring and it all makes you part of. Listen, when I was 25, I knew that I would always come fast. Okay, I always knew You just gave up a 25th All that shit about Candles That shit about candles and bubble baths

You don't still do you Do you still come in a minute? Horrible Really? You should try some of this Like Buddhist stuff I heard about Listen, when I was in Boulder I tried that shit

The breathing and all that stuff Yeah Listen I gotta be honest with you I gotta be strictly honest with you I was so turned off By sex over those years I really don't want to fix this problem I'm like, I have a wife.

Yeah. I know where I stand in my mind. I mean, at this point, you know, I gave her a kid in a minute. You know what I'm saying? It worked. But when you, can I ask you a personal question? I eat ass. I eat pussy.

Oh, that's good. I finger bang you the butt. I pull your hair. You do everything out. Yeah, yeah. I'm an animal. I'm sure. So I got to do certain things.

Like, I have to have you give me a blow job first. Yeah. And then after I come, I have to eat your pussy for a while. And that's how I get hard again. Sure. That's okay. And then when I'm eating your pussy, I play with my ball sack and boom, we put it back in there. But then is it just another minute again?

No. Then you're good. Then I go for hours. But I'll tell you what. There's sometimes after I eat your pussy. Yeah. Like I'm done too because I'll crack another nut while I'm eating your pussy. A lot of guys like that.

I like that. I like that I crack a nut. So that nut that I crack while I'm eating your pussy is a complete different nut that I cracked before. It's like a weird psychological nut. It affects my body. So after that, I would have to do Coke to bring me back up because my dopamine would be fucking God. There was no dopamine left.

I just shot it on my leg, you know what I'm saying? Like, there's not going to love. Like, this is like, I've thought about this. For years, you know, when you're home and you're driving somewhere, you have to give yourself some frame of thought. So I take a timepiece of my life. And I try to think about it. And the day that I'd never even thought about that time piece that discussed that.

And it just wasn't on the road. It started in Boulder. It started in Boulder with women that were friends of mine. Like I would look at and go, this girl, I'm never going to fuck. I show what I'm not going to talk to? I'm making my hand a lot. You go out with this girl. You pick up a piece of ass.

I would go out with these girls and pick up a piece of ass. Yeah. Just for hanging out with these girls. I have guy friends like that. Yeah. Girls want to go, why is she hanging out of them? There's a reason. She's touching them.

And me and you have nothing going on, but you're touching me. You're acting like you're my friend. That girl over there was going to say, what's he got? He's got a big thing. He's a little chubby. You know what I'm saying? But maybe he's packing heat down them. Whatever.

And all of a sudden, boom, boom, boom. So I had these girls. And all of a sudden, the way we are, friends, come over. I got, what do you have to drink? I got a half a bottle of vodka and how much coat do you have? Three quarters of a gram. I swear to my mother's grave while they were there. Like, there was one girl.

I knew her parents. I know what fucking parents, her brothers, her sisters. I had heard she was kind of crazy. But that wasn't for me. And I remember one night I got a call from her, like three in the morning, kind of asking me if I had. powder that she was all alone and she wanted to come over when I first started coming when I first got separated from my wife and I always just thought about it but I go nah you know that I know her parents

why even why even go there and she came home one night I asked I go to this party I'm in a bind dog I don't have a girlfriend can you just put a nice dress on and just make believe on our third date and she was like yeah and I figured I'd take care of her like I used to her friends own this restaurant I'd give like a get and you know what I had like an eight ball bunch of people got coke I was broke and I was just taking the gram of the beach package and we end up with like four fucking grams and I go you want to come over and she's like yeah and you know she went over there as a friend and next thing you know about five she's like dog we're friends but I'm taking this dress off and I had never seen them like that my life I was like well you might as well take the

panties off and then I wouldn't see it it all started and I would sit and sit the days and think about that. Why did that happen? I'm living in a basement with a Sony Trinitrona couch. That happened because you had drugs. Don't you think? Would you ever have sex in that period without drugs involved? Exactly. All the crazy sex I've had that I probably shouldn't have involved drugs or a lot of alcohol, but mostly drugs. If you want to get fucked or fuck people, go to El Compadre. That's what you always say. Do the Coke and go to El Compajorie. I I saw things. Why El Camperger?

Because that's where professional dick suckers go. And that's a profession. Like, if you want to be hypnotized by the best, like one minute you're talking to them about politics. And next thing you're at their house naked on all four is to go to El Camadre. Just to see how real savages work. How real motherfuckers. I've been to El Camperre so many times. And no one has ever tried to take me anywhere.

Are you serious? Yeah, never. Has anybody actually do powder there? Never. That's crazy. No one's ever offered me any there? I saw things in there. Up to 2005.

I saw crazy things. I wasn't participating in them, but I saw, I would go, how the fuck did that just happen? Nobody caught that. Well, do you remember they closed not that long, like a couple years ago and reopened? I wonder if they got like busted or something maybe.

No, I think somebody died, the father died or something. Oh. And the comedy store. Let me tell you some. I was telling Lee about the comedy store. And I'm not talking about waitresses. I'm talking about civilians. Yeah.

There's one particular night that killed me. It was on Monday night. If I say to you, come down on Monday night, Kate, you're probably going to go work, do shit. I mean, you're going to get there. If you do a little taste test, your pussy's going to be a little wang to it, but it's acceptable.

If something happens, you know what I'm saying? You follow me? On a Monday night, nobody thinks anything's going to happen. Right. So I'm hosting. Okay. I'm hosting the 10 to 12, the 10 to close. And in those days, I would host.

put somebody up and then put dice or rogan up because they were doing hour and i'd leave i get the check and i tell what's his name when when they get off go up there and close out the show so i'm lurking out there and i see this um group of like you know eight women it's a bachelorette on a monday night you know they're amateurs of this but i tell you one was hotter than the other and the all head rings on and the whole thing and this one girl kept talking to me How long have you been doing comic? But she was scoping something. Like she saw something.

So we started talking, and she goes, this is the place really haunted? And they're like, we're going to go. We're going to go to the rocks. And she's like, hold on. And some other comic was talking to another one of them. And she goes, let's go. And we went.

And I took it to the main room. And she looked around. And then we went up on the back of the stage. And we went back there in the main room. And we walked out of there. Nothing happened. And we walked out. And as we walked, there's a lady's bathroom.

Yeah. In the corner. Yeah. Not behind the stage, but the one in the corner there. That's where it all goes down. That's where I was introduced. And she goes, what's this in there? I have a lady's bathroom.

And she asked me, do you have Coke or anything? And I go, yeah, she goes, I'm hanging out with these wenches. They don't do anything. She did, like, two fucking blast of Coke. She was off and running. She started peeing. And she goes, where are you? And I go outside.

And when she came out, her pants were down. No way. She had just peeing. the main room nobody was in there nobody was a monday night she just dried her monkey walked in you know i gave her another blast on the swap and spit on there's a little couch uh-huh when you walk in there's a little couch there on the couch there on the couch ball is in her mouth finger and like what fucking that's hot oh no no no no i don't know i was a velvet hammer that's hot because i knew i didn't want to pull out a condom and go through all that like that

shit drives me crazy because that's when my dick will get dead i like that explosion yeah yeah yeah yeah like in those days i'll just tackle you he your pussy I'm coming it's going on the wall it's a fucking monster your come is on that couch in the comments all over those walls on harpo marks got come on them fucking have those comedians on that wallpaper and we went off in there for like 10 minutes you know noises and fucking and we went out like nothing happened and she joined the limo with her girlfriends and left like for years that always bothered me like why did bother you. Because that's so hot to me. I would love for something like that to happen to me.

What do you mean? You're the initiator on this. That can happen to you in two seconds. No, but here's the thing. Like, I like it to happen. Like, I like it to seem like not my idea, even though it is. Like, I mean, I want the guy. Like, here's the thing. You want to play the hand. I don't hook up with random. Let's go downstairs to the cave. I want to show you something. You know, and you're like, okay. I don't know. I don't hook up with random as much, but can I tell you my hottest random hookup story? It just happened. It just happened.

Okay, I never hook up on the road because I just, I don't know. It's very rare I meet someone that I have like that chemistry with that I just want to take them back and it's worth the risk of like whatever could happen. But so I go to San Francisco to shoot an episode of undercover and I have a thing for athletes. Okay. So I kind of sort of tweeted something like I said to my friend like we should hook up with some 49ers while we're in. in town and she was like you have to be careful with football players a lot of them are like rapists and i was like that's impossible who would say no like just as a joke and i tweeted that well like five minutes later a couple 49ers followed me on twitter so i followed them back and i started talking to a few of them

and there's this one who was really hot and basically was like we should hang out while you're in town and i was like yeah but just so you know that tweet was a joke i don't hook up with the randoms but like let's get a drink or whatever so he comes to my hotel and we go get a drink and we go get a drink and like the minute I saw him I was like I'm definitely banging this guy like I never ever do it he is so hot and he's young and I knew I'd never date him and I was like if he's cool at all we're hooking up so we went we had drinks we went back to my room I stayed up all night we had sex all night and it was so it was maybe it was in the top like three sex experiences he's getting all pales I just love that your random is a 49er well he's not a famous one. Listen, if I got dirty with you and I knew you for a year, those don't really bother me as much as the random ones.

Because he's not just super random because I know who he is. Don't judge me, Joey. I never have... I'm not judging you. I'm just thinking about my randoms. My disgusting randoms. I met a girl when I first started doing comedy.

I was in comedy, maybe six months. And I had just recently been divorce. I was 28. You know, I didn't have any fucking money. I lost my job. I had money in the bank and I had every major credit card. I would never flaunt it. I was not one of those guys talking nothing. I was at a barminding my own business and there was a hotel. Where I started comedy was a hotel. I started at the Com County Works. Yeah. But on Tuesday night it was comedy night. I swear to my mother's grave. I never went there with the intention one time. I always learned don't hook up with these people. At the beginning, I was real tight on that. And I went down there.

I went to a fucking thing, and this is one of the best ones ever that I thought, because I like all that. Sometimes, man, I don't like putting your dick in something. It's kind of fucked up. Or having a guy's dick in here is kind of fucked up. Well, that's why I never really do it, but sometimes it's fun. And you know what I did years ago? I stopped having condoms on me. I got so scared of all that shit.

I said, listen, there's other things you could do with these savages. Wait, you stopped carrying condoms so that you wouldn't hook up? So I wouldn't put my dick in you. But that actually worked? Yeah, I would never put my dick in you. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I feel like most guys would do it anyway.

Isn't the mouth inside? The mouth is completely different. The mouth is the goal. Is it? Yeah, the monkey is what's crazy. The mouth is the goal. If she's banging like you, I got to eat her monkey first. I got to drop it.

I got a drop and fucking do something crazy. So this girl was in Europe. range only 22. Oh, damn. I'm 28. I had never had strange. Like I had been with a girl for six years before that had been like on a year drought and people, you know, when you're emotionally broken, people could tell us so the woman would stay away from me. No, no, no, no. You know, I broke that drought on the plane. Can you imagine? You broke a drought on a plane? 18 months. No, no, no. You went 18 months without sex? 14 months. Without sex? Heartbroken. Five. You broke. Five. masturbation today crying 14 months couldn't pick up a fucking cold in the in the heat like when

women go I haven't been late I get it because there's a threat that you're like at this point if anybody taps me and says you look good I'm gonna fuck them you're at that point as a woman at that at the 11 month mark I knew I was the kiss of death I knew I had gone through this whole thing like drugs and I was emotionally broken it was written on my face it was written on my My body language was written. So I knew I was getting close. I would see women at bars and they would get drunk with me. But something just wasn't.

I knew it. After like the fifth time, I go, I'm done. I think that it's almost like a major league ball player. You have to be a professional sometimes. If you're looking for pussy, you have to be a professional. You have to go, you run into a slump. That's what I'm saying. And then it gets psychological.

And you get psychological. And then you start tapping out. Then you start going, you know what, I've accepted it. I'm going to become Charles Bronson. I'm going to get a single apartment. I'm going to shoot people. night and I'm gonna give up pussy. Pussy weakens the legs and I thought nothing not dang and now I'm bumping into dough now I'm getting dough and I'm going to bars I'm buying blow I'm robbing gas station oh my god I'm getting

credit cards and I still can't pick up a woman wearing nice Miami vice clothes it's 1985 really shoes head done not built gold chain nothing drought of my fucking life I said fuck this curse place July 1, 1985. I get on a fucking plane. I get on that fucking plane. July 1, 1985, I get on that fucking People's Express plane. I start talking to a black guy. The black guy got personality, he starts talking to the white hose.

They come over. They start talking. One thing leads to another. A stewardess starts talking. Bap, pop, pop, pop, pop, where are you going to go? I don't know. I got to move to, I was going to move to Colorado Springs. This guy told me to move to Boulder.

I guess I'm going to get a hotel in Denver spend the night. One thing led to another let's go out of the bar. We all took the shuttle back to the hotel. The stewardess has gone up stairs. She stayed and I'm sitting there going, this ain't going to happen, so I'm not even going to push it. I didn't talk about cocaine and that, oh my God,

there was no cocaine. There was nothing. There was refit. And I said, do you want to get high? I got to go smoke a drink because I didn't like booze. I love that you had it on the plane, by the way. Oh, yeah, I always carry it with something. I brought out of that time I bought an ounce of chocolate. the tieweed from 148 street back I wasn't going on to the cold world

of the underbelly this is before TSA this is way before TSA this is when I would put it in my fucking carry-on jacket and then I fucking started talking to one thing like to another I don't even know how we ended up

in my room I got like one room for 2995 she got one put on the People's Express paid for hers we started talking she ended up in my room dog we were smoking pot I showed the cassettes or something we were on the floor swap and spit. So now I'm on this drought. 14 months, not even a fucking,

not even sniffing a bra. I wake up in the morning, we kiss each other, we say our goodbyes. I get on the fucking bus. I take a bus to Boulder. I stop. I get a newspaper. I look for apartments. I put my shit in the fucking lockers, and I go on my search for apartments. As I'm walking on 10, 12, 14th Street, I see this girl, short sandals, young. If I'm 23,

she's 19 going on, fucking. It's like that Rick James song, she was only 17, 17. She was sexy. Dirty white hair, dirty feet. I froze. Dirty white hair.

Her face was in eight. Nice boobs. She's real, you know, but decent. I knew, and she came up to me. Do you know where this is? No, it's good. gotta be here so we both were looking for apartments yeah we walked around blah

ba ba ba ba da da da where you from christian no shit we both went and scott caught in those days this was way before coffee we got like a sandwich or something at roses they had chicken and we went to roses on that this was way before fucking any of those chicken people started making chicken this is 85 roses would put organic chickens with rosemary and all that shit So we went there, we ate, and then she went and put a deposit on the apartment, and I went to put a deposit apartment. She lived in Denver. I got a hotel in Boulder. We kept talking, talking, talking.

Her mother calls her, or she calls the mother. You got the apartment go over there now. She went over there. When we went over there, we started swap and spit. Bam. Bam. Pants came off, pussy eating. This chick, I thought she was not even in my league.

I'm not even going to go there. I walked her back to the apartment. on the floor like animals eating pussy wrestling she sat on my face tremendous now she gets a roommate okay they move in I move in three doors

down oh wow perfect my journey into the fucking underbelly of life without these New Jersey fucking savages are starting the drought is over the drought is over the drought is over not only I get one to one night but here I am I'm calling home going guys if I'm getting late you guys would fucking

kill it out of you guys got Lodge good look and you got blue eyes. You know, I'm over here with brown eyes walking around like a fucking Nazi. He's got blue eyes. That's it. That's all you need. Nazis got brown eyes. So this is where it gets kinky.

Oh. Okay, so she's in there three days. I joined a gym, barbell gym on the hill. That Sunday, they're having their yearly barbecue. I go to the barbecue on the way out, the two girls go, where are you going? I go, I'm going to a barbecue. If you want to come, both of these come to the barbecue. We get to the fucking barbecue.

There's a volleyball thing. The girl I'm with, the sweet little girl gets up and goes to play volleyball. This one just starts going crazy. How she hasn't given a blowjob in six months that she knocked her fucking neck off. You're not giving a blowjob and her wife. You know, this chick is just fucking that she can hold her breath while she gives a blow. I never forget this conversation. And I'm going that, this is not fucking happening to me.

I haven't seen a pit for 14 fucking months. And this is the third broad in six days. I haven't even been here a fucking week. This is going to, I'm going to get VD. I'm going to get AIDS. Rock Hudson just went public. I'm going, and in those days, I would stick my dick in your no condom, no nothing. Yeah.

I didn't give a fuck about nothing. No, that went raw back, nut on your stomach, rub it in, lick it the dirty bitch and fucking. And then, right there at the picnic, I go, so let me ask you something. You haven't stopped the dick. I don't know, six months. She goes, right now I would do anything to suck a dick. Listen, there was a three-foot wall like a moat. Listen, everybody, listen, in your perverted mind, you look at that wall and you're like,

I could fuck her and do a thousand things. And nobody would see it. You both have to, like, flat on the ground. Well, guess what? In those days, I wasn't 300 pounds. I was 185 to one. Damn. And I looked at her and I go, we're going over that wall.

And I went over that wall. What about the other? other girl listen to me I laid on my back like an Indian I took it out she laid between my legs and she sucked that pipe I four times 20 minutes we were behind there nobody saw a fucking thing you came four times 20 minutes I would come and then she sucked my balls and whacking off I had never had that experience and she broke a finger my ass tremendous right like not the whole way in but like a little machine a little bit I was 22 23 I had a professional dick sucker once before but this was a level amongst hers. She would

lick your balls and for every 10 licks of your ball she'd lick your asshole and then put the little finger on it to make you explode a little bit. Bam! Like I couldn't see when I got up. Like my body was trained. I got up. We looked over the wall like we were on. Like we were being victims. Nobody saw a thing. We both got up.

She smiled. She goes, I told you. I was the best. We went back and we ate hot dogs like nothing happened. Lee, I want to be around. I got to run through the bathroom real quick. That's a fucking story. That's amazing. Holy shit. That was the craziest fucking thing. Is this live, by the way?

That's crazy. Oh, my God. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. And these are like just some of this way. As I Oh I A somebody who

Will swear to be true As we used to do With me Who leave you to learn That misery Love's company Wait and see See how he does it

when he breaks your heart. Okay, do you use Tinder? Yes. Yeah, I never got to use it. I don't use it really like for dating as much as I just use it to like, you know, fuck with people. What do you mean? I have a website called Tinder Trauma. Do you know about this?

No. I have a website called Tindertrauma.com. What I do is I go on Tinder and I act insane and I try to get guys. I basically like I bait guys with sex. I act like I want to hook up on Tinder. and then I act insane on purpose and I try to get them to block me to see like how much shit guys will put up with

to have sex. So I've done everything from like, I asked guys if I could like bring rattlesnakes to bed, put leeches on their balls. Oh my God, I had a guy go dumpster diving. I told him I was into like rotten meat being rubbed all over my body.

Of course. And he went dumpster diving to try to find meat to put on me. I used to do it all the time and then I kind of slowed down on it just because I got busy and I didn't have as much time. You saw OJ in America.

And you realize, motherfuckers will kill you for a piece of that. Yeah, but also because... That's what fucking happened. People started to, people started to, like, Google image search me, and they'd be like, oh, you're a comedian,

and then they would know what was up. But I used to do it more before anyone really could figure that out. You know, when I was in the bathroom, I'm like, this is a disgusting podcast. It really is. But this stuff tonight that I'm talking about... It's real, though. Fucking, like, not those three girls.

That doesn't bother me at all. That was... We weren't doing coke. I wasn't doing coke then. I wasn't doing coke in that time period. That's crazy. Yeah, I was straight, legit. I was clean for six months.

I was lifting weights. And, you know, and then two weeks later, I bumped into a girl. I hadn't seen in 16 months. She gave me a number in New York City. No way. We talked one time. I lost a number.

I was going to Boulder. She told me she was going back to Boulder. I go downstairs. She's downstairs with the garbage. What are the odds? What are the odds? We ended up getting married. Aw.

That's so cute. Well, now we hate each other. She won't let me see my daughter. You know the fucking day. But it was cute. You know, I'm just, I've been really trying. It sounds, it makes me sound horish like the stories, but this is the thing. I've been really trying to learn to have casual.

I'm a relationship person. Like I start dating someone. If I like them, then I just like, I'm all in and I stop seeing other people. But I realize that like with guys, a lot of guys out here don't want a relationship. But I always like the guys that don't want one. So I have been trying to learn to be able to like casually date and casually have sex and not get all like attached to guys. I'm really bad at that. I'm really bad at it.

That's why I think that's why on some level I started hooking up with like the porn guy and stuff. because I know that he's not relationship material, so I am going to be forced to learn to be casual. Now all this disgust I tell you about, I never dated two women at once. You didn't? No. Like, I wasn't that good looking.

I didn't have that type of game to call a girl. I never had patience. Once I realized that I wasn't good in bed, like I was like 22 and I'm like, I'm not snapping out of this fucking shit. And it's getting worse with the Coke. Like by that time, the Coke had started. I had been doing Coke six years.

and I was 50-50. Either I had the hard on of life or had dead dick and I'm paranoid. No, I wasn't getting paranoid that I'm lying to you. It didn't start until about three years later. And even then, I was getting good dick after I gave you a stab and did some more blow and I would put a Coke rock in my pee hole

and the whole fucking... For real? Fuck yeah. Holy shit. No one ever did that to me. And then when I got a fucking cook, when I went to prison, when you're waiting to get to the doctor's office,

I will never forget this. They had a bulletin board. Like when you're waiting to get blood and shit, here you are with your prison whites, you're in diagnostic, and you're waiting to go get blood out and for them to ask your creepy questions. There's a section that you sit on the wall,

and one of the articles on the wall was about a man who shot cocaine into his dick, and his dick stayed hard for four fucking. This was at the height of cocaine. I was doing this time, August. I was in diagnostic September of 88. at that time people were so what you tell me is all the coke you've done nobody's ever put a coke on your clip yeah yeah but not in their pee hole not in his pee hole never had a guy put a coke rock in his people

put a coke rock on his peehole and you suck that pipe I had guys go numb and shit forget about it oh no I mean I've done I've snorted it oh god oh yeah you snorted all guys yeah but I never had anybody put it on their hole and then you put it on your pee hole and then you suck it and your jaws go numb like like a like a dentist you're like this better I wish the dentist did this shit my whole fucking from down here down is numb even my fucking esophagus is down oh interesting no I haven't had that I haven't had that I uh oh there's something when you were talking about the drought that I was I am the girl that always cures guys of their drought that's something I realize I am that girl yes I am no you're not yes I am no you're I'm trying. That's not a good fucking, that's not a good.

I don't, I don't want to be. Like after they stay, after they're not, though. Look at you and go. That was the first time in eight months. It's happened to me like three times. Oh my God. That's embarrassing. It is?

Why is it embarrassing? I feel like I'm, you know what? Someone told me who was, oh, it was cat. It was Cat Williams. Cat Williams once on my podcast. And I was talking about how sometimes I have sympathy sex with guys because sometimes I won't be that into him. but they took me out so many times.

I feel like they deserve it. Or maybe they say they haven't had sex in a while. And I kind of like, feel like throwing them a solid. And he said that I am like a charity worker, you know, like I'm like a superhero, like a sexual superhero.

You know, like I'm taking, like I'm like Robin Hood. I got to be honest with you. There was one woman I had a brief affair with, all drug related. Until this day, the only reason why I talked to her was because

she gave me so much confidence back but I had lost. See, that's me. That's what I do for people. So this day, I can't tolerate her. Oh. At times, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I can't tolerate her at times

because she drives me crazy. She brings zero or whatever to my life. But the only reason why I've stayed in, there's two women who I've stayed in touch with because it's a sad thing to say, but their pussy really changed my life. Like there's something about what they did. I saw the humanity in it.

I looked at broke these women, and I know that they were way out of my league, and they threw something at me. The first one I'm talking about, I had like a year drought, and I was just a, I was ready. I didn't know. I was ready to emotionally break down. And I went from zero. It was like going zero to one. This chick was a work mule from the day one. She was just a, she was just a mule, you know.

And then I went, when we broke up, I was kind of down, and I bumped into the other one. And I gotta tell you, the other one even made my comedy good. Really? Yeah, like the confidence she gave me because she would always talk shit. Like, I knew it for a long time. Yeah. And I'm like you, there's one day I look at you and I go, she's my buddy.

But then there's another day I look again. I go, you know what? I'm going to have to eat her ass. It's just too fucking good. You just have to one day go listen. No way. We're friends. I got to eat asshole.

So we end up going on the road. And on the road one night, we both got drunk. And she was like, I haven't been with a guy in like a year. And I go, you know, I haven't been nobody a long time. I go, listen, let's do this. I know what good friends. I tell you what, I really want to eat your pussy. So let's do this.

Give me five minutes. If this don't work, just say stop. And that's it. We're part friends. I swear to God. And she was like thinking. She's like, oh, my God, I could really go for somebody to eat my pussy. She goes, okay, let's give her to try.

I had to talk her into it, like, fucking 25 minutes. Yeah. I go, what's the difference? Wait, did you guys have sex, though? No. No. The first time I ate her pussy. You know what?

I did that with a friend. I stuck my guns. Yeah. And I remember how, you know, once I, listen, I'm not good at a lot of things, but I'm committed to the monkey. So she was like, her eyeballs were popping out of the head. And then I flipped her over and went for the muffler. And I went to the whole thing. I spread it out and made it blink.

You know me, Doug. I'm the real dear holy field. I said, that's it. I tapped out because she didn't know I had nutted. So I tapped up. That's hilarious. She didn't know. She just thought you were a good dude.

And she just stayed on all floors and she's like, go. And I'm like, next time. And I nutted and that was it. That would fuck with my head. We both passed out. We both passed out. But no, in a way, I told her. And I remember one day we were on the road and we shared a room.

And I liked her monkey so much that after I ate her monkey and terrorized it, she went in the shower. I took her panty, sniffed them and bang went out. And she came out. And I was banging one out with her monkeys You know, years later When I was still on blow years later Even if we weren't doing none

I'd go to a house and excuse myself Until I had to use the bathroom I'd take her thongs out of the fucking Oh fuck it I'd whack off on the way home Throw them out of the car in Sunset Boulevard Oh my God I hope they won expensive panties

I didn't give a fuck Some of those are $12 You know I had a friend We're freaks dog We're fucking freaks You know we're nasty money And that's drug I would go over there and I knew that if I worked there, it was going to take me too long.

And for a while, all I had to do was go there with a coke wrap. So I even had her period on my time clock. Oh my God. I knew she'd get her period on the 21st, so she'd call me. I ain't going on it because I can't eat your monkey. I can't do that shit when it's bleeding. So I don't even invite me. Yeah, so I had her on the time schedule.

That's the worst because that's one were the horny as fun. Yeah, yeah. You want to have sex with someone on their period? Fuck no. Fuck no. No? You won't fuck them even on like day three or four? No, no, no, no, let's not even go.

Oh, why not? I can't see, listen, I'm having surgery next Monday. So just don't walk down. I'm having surgery this Monday, next Monday. Yeah. And I was at breakfast, coffee with somebody today. And they were telling me how this son-in-law did the surgeon on the second day he drove. And he goes, and he took the bandages out.

There was a lot of blood. I had to get up and go to an air conditioning room. I can't deal with that shit. That's a fucking, I had a bad trauma with Tayasian. As a young kid, like a week after my mother died. Like a week after my mother died. I'm 16 years old. I'm at home with Zerrida.

She's taking care of me. And the phone rings. It's this girl that she's no longer with us. God bless her. So I loved the deal with that age. She was a soldier. She was like fucking you. She called me up.

And she goes, hey man, I didn't make it to your mom's wake. She was beautiful. She got blue eyes and blonde hair. She was German. And I knew her brother. But I had gone to a picnic one time and flirt. whether we were kids, you know. Yeah.

We were 14. No sex, you know, finger. No, she didn't even give me a blowjob. I wasn't even into that. You were kids. We were kids. But she was beautiful. She went to a different grammar school.

And when my mom died, a week later, she calls me. I never forget, it was a Monday night, though. It was cold already. It was like November 15. It was freezing on the East Coast. I'm heartbroken. Like, I was still experiencing the shock with my mom dying. And I blew the phone rings.

She goes, hey man, I'm sorry about your mom. I didn't make it to the fucking thing. But I just caught to see if maybe I can throw you a little piece to make you feel better. Just like that, she said it to me, 16 fucking years old. I said, I'll be over there in 10 minutes. She goes, we can't do it here. She goes, we're going to go back to your house. But walk over here, get me.

Then we'll walk back. It was freezing. Wow, who are these girls? And they're 16. That wouldn't even cross my mind. I walked from 38th Street all the way to 45th Street. Picked her up, walked back. And 30 degree weather

We get all the way back to my house I locked the room I tell my aunt I'm in there with a friend We swap spit I put on earth one in fire I take a shit beautiful brush She was beautiful She was a beautiful girl At that time I hadn't had sex

Ever? I had sucked a pussy I'd suck some tits I had dry hunt people So this is you lost your virginity This girl? Listen to me I took a fucking panties off

And the Cotex followed the panthe on the way out. Like it was a thing that was glued on and the last of the glue held on because the cortex was stuck through a pussy. And you can hear it peel off like cheese on pizza. And all of a sudden, I almost fainted. I go, whatever. I'm so you got to put you in. And I walked out of a room.

And then she goes, what's her problem? I go, I've never seen nothing like that in my life. And she goes, it's just a little blood. And I go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, and I remember walking her back, being like more fucking, feeling worse than what I fucking felt like. Why don't you just leave me alone? My mother just died. Who caused somebody up after their mother dies and offering me a piece of pussy with blood on it?

She has their period. And she had a back. She calls me with a fucking, I walked back heartbroken even more because I still didn't get laid. I'm sorry. Oh, my God, horrible. You have no fucking idea what I felt like that. She didn't even have a tampon in? She had a pad.

A coat pad, like a thick thing. It was 1979. They looked like a two by four in those days. They barely, it was like a d-a-law in the fucking embarrassing this shit. So I was traumatized after that. Yeah, I got it.

I got it. So all that shit. But Kate, I tell you what, I just want you to be careful on the road. You hear these stories and you're like, that shit sounds like fun. That was just one time that I hooked up with a random on the road. One.

No, no, no. How sad is that? I want to do it a little more. Joey, I need to learn. That's a problem. Guys cuddle me and I think they love me. So I get, so I catch feelings and then, you know, they don't have feelings. Feelings are the worst.

We all fucking do. They all get in the way. Guys don't. Guys, you can have sex and cuddle a girl and then kick her out in the morning. Listen, if you're fucking, if I'm licking your pussy and you tell me you got to leave in two hours to take the kids to a little league game with your husband, there ain't no connection there. No. There isn't really no connection.

You know exactly what's going on here. That was happening. to me for a while and the guilt was overwhelming. The guilt was overwhelming because it was very random. I can't do that. And it kept happening. Like there was a period there where it just kept happening and I always got to buy the way. There was a situation in my life in 99 that I can't lie to it.

It didn't break my heart. It broke my spirit as a man because this was. What? What? Because listen to him. What happened? But my spirit as a man You can't really

When you do something like this You have to leave that experience And go, what just happened? Well, I did everything with her But what just really happened? What just really fucking happened? What actually happened? What really fucking happened was?

I saw a couple times Finally, we went back. Our introductory was a threesome Which I couldn't do because she was bleeding But the chubby girl wasn't But my dick couldn't get hard for the chubby girl So the chubby girl left furious.

because I really wanted the blonde. The blonde was a knockout. She had Don Perignon. It was crazy. She had coke in her drawers. It was fucking craziness. She was beautiful. She had fake breast.

I was young. You know, it had to be 99. So it was way before Terry. You know, I just meet this fucking animal. And the next day she tells me to take the car and leave. And then she, I've come back to the beach and get her. And we go back and she goes, I'll wait for you at the hotel and get your clothes and we'll come back to the beach.

And this went on for, you know, four or five nights. And then that fucking night off on Monday, she came to the condo, you know. And every night I saw, I knew that, you know, I was leaving the following Monday. This is never going to happen again. So every time I had a staple down, it was a fucking cocaine fest. You know, every time we hung out, the fucking daylight came up. So now it's Saturday. Saturday was weird because she goes, I'm not going out Saturday.

I got to get some rest. every night for the last nine nights so Friday she goes to stay in Friday she stays in Sunday she goes I'll meet you after the show to take you to dinner we go to dinner we eat we're at the news cafe again and right there she goes I gotta tell you something after tonight we're never gonna see each other I because I get married two weeks from tonight what and I go where was your fiancee this last and she goes he's a weather man so his sleeping hours are than mine. So he does what he does, and I see him on the weekends. Wow.

And, okay, was I heartbroken? No, I knew this wasn't going to where. This girl had three outies and abortion shit. This wasn't going to go nowhere. I was let down because this is happening all the time. I know guys go through this shit with women. Like guys, you know, women go through this shit with guys. Yeah, this happens to me all the time. Well, you date a guy for three months. And I'm going back with my wife. What do you mean going back with your wife? No, not even. I was hooking up with a guy who was so hot and we totally like had a good like connection and thing going. And I thought he was single.

And I found out not only did he have a girlfriend who he lived with, she's about to have this baby. And you know how I found out? I was at a party. I was out. I was like I was at a party. This dude shows up with his nine months pregnant girlfriend to this party. And I didn't know. And it was awesome.

Because what I did is I hung out with his girlfriend the whole time and I was just like you guys are so cute together Tell me about your baby and I could see him Yeah, I could see him watch dude. I was like I didn't tell her I never said a word and I never sent him an angry text You're the real deal you're the last of the real moheekins. Thanks. It was it was pretty fun So last that I didn't bring you on the fucking show to talk about disgust but it happens to go somewhere like that Last Saturday, I was out of town and you tweeted the Aviana Awards. I knew you had taped them. And I never even thought about Showtime.

I thought they came on Showtime Live. So, applause. I'm very proud of you. You know, I had my wife taping. I still haven't watched it. I watched it. You were great. Thank you.

I watched 42 minutes of it. I can't watch. I hate it watching. There's one blue dress. That's phenomenal. Thank you. The blue dress, you look like a fucking. You know what's funny about that?

You would blow. Thank you. A, e-h carpet. Oh. pieces. Thank you. Like, there's only one chick that can talk to you. That's that chick with the big ass that was in the movie, the town. What's that the chick that plays the crack chick?

She ain't no joke. She's in Kate. The big ass? What's her name? I don't know. I don't know. What's her name, Lee? That chick is in your name.

Scarlett Johansson? No. Well, thank you. She's a dirty bitch. You got fungi fungonyl. A friend of mine told me the feet look like mine. Blake blindly. Oh, I love Blake.

That's the only chick that can stand next yet. Sarah's Bullock, she's got to show her titty. That career is going down the drain. We had this discussion on the phone that day. I was dying that day. Thank you. You can't show your tits till after a little later. No, no.

I'm 42 when people weren't making you the big office. And they go, let me drop this on you, motherfucker. Bam, you go like an indie. And you're dropping on them for like a thousand a day. And they fucking flabbergast. Everybody's looking at it. That's it. I got to bring her in just to look at it.

That's when it's time. That's when it's time. Yeah, one day. I don't know I haven't I haven't shown my tits yet on anything I was doing the Aviana Awards so fun actually you know what you know what's funny about it is like all these comics were like you know the porn stars don't laugh they don't listen they're fucked up they're not paying attention don't expect to have a good set just do you don't worry if you bomb I mean it was crazy no one's ever psyched me out so much for any big thanks well this is the thing and then I get there and before I was smart I went out two days before the award show to just hang out and get like get to know the porn stars and kind of walk around so that when I went on stage they'd be like oh there's that chick we've been seeing around the expo so they listened and then they were great and they wouldn't be threatened by you because you don't come off like judging you're fucking more savors than they are i mean that was the thing is they were like oh

it's cool because you look like you could do porn i was like thank you so it was fun and my jokes like i ran the jokes a lot and i had like really awesome people helped me write great jokes and it all went great. I was so happy and I met like a lot of cool people out of it and the porn people are cool as fuck. That's the thing. It's like dating one isn't the best move for me, but they're for me. There's other possibilities there in the porn industry for me. Not as a porno actress. I don't mean like that like just hosting the event again or it's funny. I got called and somebody, I guess a pretty big porn producer asked me if I wanted to direct a porn, like a funny, like a comedy porn.

And I was like, I don't know. I got to think, I don't know if I really want to do that, but maybe, but it has been interesting. Porn is never funny. It's not supposed to be funny. That's the thing that people always try to make it funny or they just get stupid actors to do porn. We're trying to be funny and cute. Well, my thing is, it's not funny.

I didn't even know there was lines. I want to be funny. I'll watch fucking the office or whatever the fuck that is. Right. How are we doing over there, my friend? 900 milligrams on the 4th of July your mind's over there

I'm doing great belotin and shit look at his eyes he looks like he's just gone I am for a gun but I had it I had fucked up

a couple times like I had a couple like a six month dry spell I had an 18 month at the end of Boston and then moving here it was and then

at the end of one of the dry spells when I thought I was going to have sex like it didn't work that happens that happens to guys sometimes you get too excited and I was like, Mother, it was the worst.

And you know what I had, it wasn't the 18-month one. It was like the six-month-one. And I called a girlfriend I hated from like the year before. And we got a hotel room. It was gross. I hated her. And it just, like, it was just, it was the worst. And then it didn't work.

Oh, no. She went to sleep and we just went to sleep. This is the dirt. This is the deepest I ever got with a chick at a hotel. When I was a comic, I sat there one night, the young girl like you was sitting, talking of nothing having conversation we didn't do drugs in those days I used to have

Valium and do coke and she goes do you have anything to calm my nerves I mean it was like perfect I go yeah I got Vs she goes give me half she took half we did a couple bumps she had a couple like girls she was in town and we scoot it to the back room listen to this one she had a mini skirt on right

I'm like I gotta take this bits to the hoop She's in town visiting. Fuck the postcard. She's taking a mental fucking thing. So it was swamp and spit on finger. I take my hand. I put it in the ice machine. And I take that fucking ice cube.

When I put it in her monkey, I rub that motherfucker. I take it on. I put it in my mouth. Then we start making out, passing it back and forth on the ice cube. Damn. I took the helmet out,

put my ice suit on the helmet, and scooted her head down like a savage. She did the fucking whole thing with the ice cube. I took another ice cube and put it in her monkey. everybody was numb. You understand me. You had inflammation. It was going away that night. You're hilarious. Does that feel good of ice cube on your dick? It doesn't matter. When you're coked up. Oh, right. Yeah. That goes through your fucking heads. It wouldn't feel good. It's fucking ridiculous. When you do, when you get to a certain level of cocaine, like there was a book to my first

came out. But you can't get hard then. That's what I don't get. It's a fucking fantasy. You sit there. So I'll say, Kate, just take it all up. It doesn't even matter that you can't get hard. It's just all right. Like your asshole on fire. It's this thing. Oh my God, I did that. I know you this.

Yes, I swear to God. I got my butt lit on fire. Where? In Atlanta, for my Playboy TV show, I got to have my ass lit on fire. Did you know that's a real thing? You can put, listen, you should try this. It's so fun. Before was the real thing.

I did it back in the 80s on cocaine. Well, I'll tell you, just like that asshole. If you put hair moose, you got to take hair or moose. Okay, buy a can of moose, shake it up, put it on your ass crack, light that shit on fire. And the thing is, you can't feel it on your skin because the moose burns first. And then what they tell you do is twerk until the fire goes out. You twerk it out. I had to do that on my show.

What if I can't work? Give me a favor. Don't go away. I'm going to get some hair moose. We would bust fucking YouTube. People on YouTube would go, what the fuck. on the 4th of July. I posted a video.

I posted a video of it on my Instagram. It did actually do really well. Did it protect your asshole? Or do you put it underwear under your area? No. You let your asshole on. Well, I add on a G string.

You are to the fucking, you're out there, though. That's why I love about you. It doesn't matter. You're at least having fun. At least, listen, what would be worse? You're doing this shit that you're doing now? Or you're with some guy who lied to you. You're living in his apartment.

Nothing's happening in your career. You're just a pretty girl. No. Nothing's happening. You're making things happen on your own dog. Thank you. I'm trying to just have fun. You only live once, you know?

Have fun, make people laugh. Don't get VD, though. That's a big one. I've been getting, I get tested a lot. I'm very careful. You have to. Some of that shit creeps up on you. Some of that new VD is like Puerto Rican VD.

You give them a stabbing in June. They're not in your door in August. You know what's true, though. You know, you're scratched in September. You're at the beach. You got a ward on your neck. And you're like, what the fuck's going out in my life? He's right.

I felt three of these wards because that shit shows up later, that especially international shit. What? That international shit, the shit they're bringing in. Like today, they're bringing in shit that just fucks you up. Wait, you know, it's funny you're saying that. I'm telling you. Yeah, my mom texts me. My mom texts me.

I'm telling you, I want something about the fucking dangers of this country right now. Wait, the bugs. It's not the bugs. This is a different thing. Oh. This is a thing that they don't have an antibody for right now. It's not HIV. What country are they?

Is it a Belgium or something? Yeah, like a new STD. Because there's something And they're starting to see in New York In Miami, Miami. And Miami. If you're gonna, don't fuck nobody in Miami. I don't fucking Miami.

That's the dirty thing. No fucking in Miami. You go home or the parakeet falls out of your ass. Holy shit. You're like, I masturbate a lot. Listen, I don't want to hear about that stuff. Anyway, what else is going on? Because you got a bunch of fucking shows?

Yeah, I don't know. Well, oh, oh, I'm touring all of July. So like, I'm at, I'm doing the House of Comedy. in Minneapolis, Edmonton, well, it's comic strip in Edmonton, and Phoenix,

and then New York and Philly. So it's cool, because I'm getting, I'm headlining, all those places. I'm doing comedy juice at Gotham, end of July,

and I'm doing the new Philly punchline. Have you done it? No, I'm a helium guy. Oh, okay, okay. I'm a healing. Yeah, so. Philly's a great comedy town.

They'll fucking love you. I'm excited to go. I mean, I love Philly. I love Philly. So I'm doing that. I don't know, my show,

second season of my Playboy show just wrapped. So I just finished shooting that. I'm working on some shows with Sam Tripoli that we got. We've been like developing some stuff. So I just always keep a lot of irons in the fire. Oh, and I have my podcast,

which I got to get you on some time. Which one now? Is this by the pool? No, no, okay. This is date fails. I've been doing date fails for a long time, which is like,

you and middleman. No, Glickman now is doing. Glickman and I aren't doing it together anymore just because we're both so busy because he booked a move. Like he's in that new Storks movie that's coming out. He's got a bunch of shit going on. too, which is awesome. So happy for him. I love that kid's show he was on.

Oh, yeah, that Nickelodeon show. So I would watch the fucking show. I would watch the show. I love both. There was two shows on that. That one, and Sarah and Kate, the one with Ariani, the fucking young son. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen. That was a good fucking show. I love it. You have kids. So you watch these channels. She was a great little fucking actress. Really? I never really saw it. I just knew when it got canceled, there was a problem. I didn't know she was a singer. I used to just watch the show with Mercy while she was at the house.

in between shows, I'd switch, and I'd watch the show. I'm like, you know, because you're trying to sell a show. Yeah. So you want to see what other people are doing. And I'm like, this isn't a bad show. Yeah. And then when they got canceled, I said to myself, because, when I tell you something, Ariani was good on that show.

Yeah. But the fucking other little dirty blonde chain, she was a little better. Really? Yeah. She's got some fucking chattels. What happened to her? Who the fuck knows? I don't know.

I don't see those channels. The problem with Nickelodeonon is the kid. kids grow. Well, so the kids grow so fast, everything changes. Like Michael Jackson, one day his voice just fucking changed. And you had to, and you got to deal with it, bitch. Like that Michael Jackson, like that guy? Yeah. And his fucking voice changed. You had to deal with it. You're like, what happened to his voice? That's true. It happens to a show. So longevity is three years. They'll try to shoot 100 episodes in three years because they don't want the kids to change that much.

Yeah. No, that's a good point. That's what, but I think you're dealing with here. I'm Johnny. points. But yeah, my look at the shape of fucking late. These stories you told tonight by the way are exactly the story. So my date fails podcast is all about bad dates and bad sex and crazy stories and what I

do is... If I look you in the face and tell you something, this is going to be a shocking fucking thing to you. I'm 53 years old. Yeah. If I went on seven dates my whole life. I knew you were going to say that. You never take girls out on like dates. You just ended up like

hooking up and stuff, right? The girl in Boulder hooked up. That's how we hooked up. We went out and got a six-pack, and we got naked by CU Stadium. The girl in Michigan, I met. I was doing comedy, and the people she showed up with didn't want to get her ride back. I don't know how this happened. And she wanted to stay in my room, so I had two beds.

I woke up to her boyfriend calling the room, threatening her calling her a whore. You know, it was one of those things. Like, there's always drama, too. I didn't tell you about that. There's always a boyfriend at me. We fought or whatever. Well, that's what happens when all the girls have boyfriends. Tomorrow is my wife's a nice 16th anniversary.

Aw, congrats. And now we, like, we met, talked, and then we actually went out to a date, like to some cheap fucking food restaurant. Like, Jack in the Box, on Highland is it on Island? Yeah. Highland and a fountain. We went in there, and we, ate and we talked and talked and talked and talked and then she took me home and then like two days

later I just woke up with a wild bug up my ass and I just walked through a house and woke her up no way and she cooked to me and I knew at that moment she made me like she had nothing she made me like red beans and sausage and rice or something and we split the soda and she gave me half the cigarette she had and I was like this is my chick and then somewhere along there I invited the lake I have a suit. Lake Havasu. Lake Havasu used to have a gig. Yeah.

So she goes, let me tell you tomorrow. So the next day at the store, she goes, I go to Lake Havasu. My cat has to come. So she showed up with a cat in a box. No way. And we went to Lake Havas and the cat jumped out of the box. I got under the fucking brakes. So we're doing 60 in the car and the cat's under the brakes.

What? And then the spedometer broke and the windshield wipers. It wouldn't stop. Holy shit. All this shit went on all the way to Havasu for 250, fucking dollars. $250. We'd just spend the 75 in gas in those days.

And we drove back the next day and we've been together ever since. That's amazing that your first date was at Jack in the Box. And you married her. Like we went somewhere, hooked up, we went somewhere, and then we went to eat. And I'm like, what do you want to eat? That's amazing. And we just sat outside Jack in the Box and talked. That story gives me help.

It really does. I think that's what you can. I can't play the game. that most Americans play, where I have to meet you and then have to put on a facade and have to wear a suit. I have to tell you about my family. You tell me about my family. Meanwhile, you fuck 28 Martians. I fucked three Russian hookers the two weeks before, but I got to be on my best behavior. Then we've got to end up in somebody's place. And then that's why I always say that your job is a tough one, especially when you go to the Roosevelt, when you go anyway, because

everybody fucking hits on you, even in an indiscreet way. Like, even guys that will say to you, I'm this and this and that. Yeah. I'll still work it to give you one last shot. And listen, there's an extra six days on this movie. You're right in right now. I got a beautiful film studio. Let's go talk about your character.

You know what I'm saying? Like, it's really weird because I've seen guys operate and I was out there. You know, now I have the job to, with my daughter, tell her the fucking traps. Yeah. That's my job. And you know what the trap is? Talking to the motherfucker, body language. his shoes is this fucking trouble is this a fucking story you know you fucking yeah you know right

away you know seven out of ten times yeah you can but sometimes your little pussy goes you know let me take a chance Columbus I know and it always ends up bad I find the good always ends up I find the good oh they all listen I was thinking about I'm writing a book and it's fucking tough because you bump into shit that you tucked away do you want me there's a I quit high school Mike, going into my senior fucking year. Okay, like I was thinking about how all those years, I was just like involved with women casually. But I tell you something, going into my senior year in high school, I quit.

There's not a woman in hell that wants to hang out with a high school graduate who quit high school, the fucking with a year left. Wait. Like, I just thought about this this last week. Do we talk about this last time I was here? because I quit high school my senior year. Did I ever tell you that? No.

Yeah, I dropped out too. But I went back eventually and finished. I went back, but I was still three credits short. So they wouldn't let me graduate on stage and get done my diploma. So what was the sense? You got to go to summer school. You know what? If you think I'm sitting in a fucking 90 degree office for six weeks up by day.

So you never finished? No. No way. And then when I went to Colorado, there was a thing called Colorado Mountain College. And you got to fill an applicationer. And they asked me if I was a high school graduate. And I said, yeah, and what you? GPA, you know, me, 6. fucking 2.

What's with the question? They don't check. And I gave them the application. Yeah. And I took 50 fucking credits before I got a letter from the University of Colorado telling me the continuing ed department, telling me I couldn't go anymore, that I had a transfer into the University of Colorado or another university of my choice, but I would lose credits under transfer.

But when I applied to the University of Colorado, they were like, we need all your paper. And I said, well, that's it. And they were like, where's your high school diploma? I'm like, I gave it to you the original time. And they said, no, you didn't. No, you didn't. Oh, shit. So I had it, like, they told me on a Tuesday.

And I had to take my GED that Saturday. Oh, man. But you did it. I took it, and I passed it. And they gave me the certificate. And I took it in there. They're like, we thought you had it. I go, you know what?

I look for it. I can't find it. I got it in Jersey. Where'd you get it? Who the fuck knows? It was 30,000 years ago. Write down Jose Diaz. That's my name, and that was the end of that.

They never questioned it or none. They told me on a Tuesday, I needed a high school diploma. I had been blown them off for a month. Yeah, it's in the application. Hilarious. No, it's not. It's in the application. That's so crazy, though, that you were able to make it that far into college

without having graduated high school. And then they still cared. You'd think at that point they'd be like, well, you're passing these classes. Fuck it. We'll just let you stay. Can you fucking believe that? I mean, I got my first apartment with no idea, and I kind of did the same thing. Because I moved out when I was 17.

Like, I moved out many times. because I didn't get along with my mom growing up. So I kept moving out and like running away from home, living with different people. And then finally when I was 17, I just run in an apartment. And I kept telling the guy I was 18. And I kept telling him I'd get him a copy of my ID.

I just kept making up reasons for why I didn't have an ID. And I never gave him a copy of my ID until like seven months into the lease. I'd been living there. And finally one day he came and he's like, I can't let you stay here if you don't show me your ID. So I finally showed it to him. And he's like, this says you're 17 I was like yeah and he's like you can't live here and I was like oh I thought

you only had to be 17 like I just played dumb and acted like I didn't know and he let me stay for the rest of my lease he's like no one can know you're under 18 you get a fake ID he told me to get a fake ID but he didn't make me get I mean he let me say he's really crazy the things you do and people that's why I don't believe in anything when people go what you need you don't need to do nothing well my thing is I'm like I'm paying the rent on time everyone who cares we got to Move around. Mind your business. Take the envelope. I'll drop an extra six-pack. Well, let me give some shout-outs.

Shout out. Uki-Spooky. Happy Fort. Sean O'Brien, Dante Gazzini, Kevin Undergaro, Ron Spittlero, Kevin Light, Nick Buley, and always Bob Lalingis out there in Chicago. What are you fucking kidding me? Or what?

Fuck it. I got dates coming for you next week after my surgery. Monday. It's the no expectations tour, starts at Flappers, continues at the Ice House, and it goes to the comedy store. I'll be working my hour from the special, which I'm shooting October 15th in Rosemont at the Zanis. So get your shit together. This is the no expectation you come. You pay 10 and you smoke a number, and I'll just talk shit for an hour. Leo be there on the drums, taping it. You know how we do it? And that's how it goes down, Kay Quigley. That's awesome. Kate Prigley, always a pleasure to have you on talking about getting in the ass for the first time.

I can't believe I told me. Nobody has ever devised. No, listen, like I look at you, like I know you're taking the ass once or twice. I didn't think like you do it on a weekly basis, but maybe you do. Well, no, just the ones. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for my whole thing is like I got to look at my daughter one day and go listen. Let me tell you what happens at the end of this.

Like I had a friend a couple weeks ago. Like a dear friend of mine, tell me something fucking. disturbing like you know and uh i had to think about how to attack this and i called the back and i explained to her like in in today's world i would never hit on you not kate but this girl right because you're so out of my league if i was 37 i would never hit on you do you understand this and she was like i don't understand what you're saying i go you're a bad motherfucker like as a woman this is my perspective like this is why I feel guilty because these girls right now are waking up one day going let me take a look back at my fucking sexual misconducts over the year and they'll think about their six relationships that you know guys move on or you dated for four years and he couldn't marry you because you're not Jewish there's always a fucking story you know and you look back and then you think about those freeze of fucking fucks that you fuck guys on the women you shit.

Freezer fuck. What the fuck are they thinking now? What the fuck are you thinking? You know, and this is what I'm thinking. Like, you know, I don't talk about it that way to think about it that way because I'm ashamed of it because I have daughters. So now I've got to sit mercy down when she's 12 and explain to her. Like, this is the deal.

You want to do this. You got to assume at this age ain't nothing going to happen. But that guy's always got a fucking story. about you. I was raised in the society that nobody goes home with the upper hand on you. They may think they got the upper hand. They may think they fuck you, but you got a picture of their little dick

just to go. So as soon as they start talking shit, you email them that picture that one inch dick and tell them not only the next time you repeat, I got a grand a week off the top. Oh, there is. So this goes to the publication with your mother's address on it. You know, you're always covered. I can never

I can never, you know, when I was a kid, this chick sucked 18 dicks of the party. night like one what one shot and she did it twice she tried to break the record and after everybody came she was like her own record okay she was a sophomore in high school oh let me tell you something she i wasn't there i was never i had heard the story and i was like damn but then i remember how fucking prude i was and i was like thank god i wasn't then i saw her she was a knockout but i know that years later she was one of those chicks that probably either I had a bomb to herself and blew herself up or shot people.

Because even at that age, you could tell she was a little demented. Something had happened. Nobody just says sophomore year goes, No, I think I'll suck 18 nights. Sounds fun. And I always thought about what she always thought about that night. Like, there's another girl that's on Facebook that I remember one day, seeing her driving at 11 in the morning after I had heard, like, I was her friend.

I was really her friend. And I kept hearing things about it like... The girl? You were fragile to her, the 18-Dick girl? No, no, no, no. Oh, different girl. I was friends at this other girl in high school. I met her in summer school my sophomore year.

He's pet-fired of the 18-day. I'm pet-fired of her. I had this other girl that was a friend of mine sophomore year. I met her she was hot. But I always thought that she dated older guys. Yeah. But then over the years, I started hearing these fucking stories. And I'd see her.

I go, she's fucking badass. But she's my friend. I can't have. And one day in 1983, I'm walking home, Coke that to the gills the night before, wishing the blue bird of happiness would come down and suck my dick. And I see her driving a Chevelle, one of those four things. And I see it, I go, hey, and she pulls up.

She's like, what's going on? And ride out. I go, listen, I need a blowjot really bad. She's like, get in the car. Shut the fuck off. She took off in the car, double parked on like a one-way street, suck my pole and gave me a ride the way I had to go. Who does this happen to?

Like, who does this happen to? For years, I thought. But I just was, I was right. I would never do this. And Joey Diaz would never do this. A coked-out Joey Diaz perverted. Oh, sure. Yeah, no.

Oh, please. But I mean, who does this happen to that people are just like, all right, hop in. They were just down. Not me. I did have one guy friend, okay? It's the only time I ever happened. A guy I've been friends with for years. One night we're hanging out.

He's always begged me to let him go down on me. And I've always been like, no, because I'm not going to Fuck you. And if you go down on me, I feel guilty and I feel obligated. Like, I have to. And I'm not touching your dick. But we're friends. So finally one night, we were doing drugs. I was like, you know what? All right, you can, but I'm not touching it. Don't take it out. I don't want to see it. We're not having sex. You can only go down on me and then you have to leave. So he did. He went down on me. And it was actually great. Okay. And then while he was going down on me, he started to take his dick out. And I saw. saw it. And I was like, hey, I told you, we're not doing that. And he's like, I just, he's like, I'm just taking out. I'm just going to play with it. And I picked up my phone while he's still going down to me. I go, okay, I'm calling you an Uber. It'll be here in two minutes. She has two minutes left. And then he goes, turn over. Let me just eat your ass hole while we wait for the Uber. Oh, yeah, we're professional. That's a professional right there. So then the Uber comes, and then he's literally eating my ass. I'm like, okay, your Uber's here. So to this day, we laugh about it. Like, every time, like, randomly he'll just text me.

He'll be like, let me come eat your ass while I wait for an Uber. Like, all that. It's hilarious. One time old. That shit, I don't mind because you're friends. We're friends. We're friends. Every once in a while my peanut butter falls in your chocolate.

Yeah. The other way around. But we've never had sex or anything. The shit that kills me today are the stories I was telling me that night. Like, that was disturbed. And I'm not have to write them because they disturbed me that. You got to write a book about them. It's, it's, it's, I'm telling you, it's sick.

When my wife and I broke out, I had this friend who sold Coke. Yeah. And there was a nurse who was fucking gorgeous. What a built boyfriend. Bill, beautiful, Donis-looking motherfucker. And I became friends with him. One day she invited me up to where she lived, and God forbid she lived right across the street from me. But one day, her and Adonis woke up,

She was walking, they broke up, she was walking around sad. And guess what? Six months later, me and my wife break up. So when I'm all cooked up, and I'm like, this chick's beautiful. I got to figure something out. And I never forget I went up there with my dog knocked on the door, and she was drunk. She was going through her breakup. And I'm like, jackpot, eureka.

And I remember just going in there and what's going on? What are you thinking about? And I go, nothing. I'm just lonely as you are. I think we should get to work. And she goes, you came all with the right plan. I'll get the condoms. No way.

We would swap spit. Man, that's cool, though. And this went on for like six months. And the code dealer was in love with her. He was in love with her. And I would never say nothing. I was just going over there and just freak him with her. And do you know about six years ago, he came to a comedy show.

He goes, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, all those fucking ears, you were fucking Suzanne. No. Because she finally came clean one night. I was heartbroken. I was in love. I was preparing to marry and you're going over that two in the morning

and just giving a Coke and fucking and sucking it. Joey, you must be really good in bed. No. You have to be. No. Yes, you have to be. I used to be a good manipulator with the cocaine. That's what I was.

I mean, whatever. The chicks got bringing you back. No, no, no, no, no. You must be. Listen, there's two types of women. There's the women that are very conventional. There's a couple different types of women. I can't relate to that.

But there's women. this conventional, but one of the girls I love the most in my life told me that she always liked the shock effect. And the shock effect meant she would let me rip her underwear off. That turned her on. That affected me raping her turned her on, but don't touch her bras. They're $44 a piece. I'll fucking kill you. Shut up. That's too hilarious. She would go rip my panties off, but don't touch my bra. And I was young when that happened. Like, I wasn't even ready for this girl when we hooked up. Yeah. And her pussy made me fall in love. Yeah. And then I got an angry at and I stopped dating her.

That never happens to me. I fell in love with this girl because she did things to me that really took me out of the norm. But that whole year with her taught me the one side of women that there's women that go out and they want to plan shit. But there's women that go out after a few cocktails there in a dark place like you. And you know what, Kate? You know what, Kate? What? I got to tell you something.

I know you three weeks. We talk at work, you know, you're fucking beautiful. Thank you. You're sick. No, I'm just telling you if we were both 24 and 23. This is what happens in the society that we don't have. Right. That some women, some guys are just saying to you that,

Kate, it's over. Listen, I'm your friend and shit, but we got to fuck. Okay. You know, and some women like that approach more than the, Kate, how are you, Joey Diaz? Listen, I got this project and I want to include you in it. Come over to my house. tomorrow at nine and we'll read with other girls.

Then you get there's no other girls and there's Don Perignon and I got a fucking robin, okay? There's some women who get turned down by that. They go some player dangerous. No. So my approach to it was I don't lie to nobody. Yeah, I like that. You know what I would tell women?

I'm not going to fuck your brains up because that's not going to happen. But I would tell them, listen to me. I'm going to eat your pussy until smoke comes out. I'm going to put a coke right out, but I'm going to flip you over. Listen to my voice. You see how my voice changed? That's Barry White. talking to you.

So that's a different time. Dude, it works, man. Every time he starts, I'm like, no. Plus at a bar after three cocktails. Yeah. We all become something when not visually. So, you know, man, women like you come, it's very rarely because I could go up to it. Like, those years, all this shit happened by me going out with Lee to get a beer.

Yeah. They didn't happen because I was part of Match.com. Because I'm looking to get married. All these things happened because Lee. who talked me to go out and smoke a joint. I don't even fucking drink. But while I was at the bar, there's three girls that are sitting there, and I'm looking at those nine fucking jerk-offs

that are sending drinks and being loud, and one guy's talking about his boat, and I'm going, you know what? Yep. You see these motherfuckers with their money and shit, Lee? I'm going to prove a point to you. You see one of those girls? I got $9 in my pocket.

I'm going to eat one of their fucking pussies tonight. Lee will go, no, you won't watch me. And these guys would spend thousands on these girls. I wouldn't even send them. that bitch a drink. That's why you're the one she won. If she was on fire. That shit is what works because you act too cool.

And I would catch her, go to the bathroom. I'd count how many women were in the bathroom before her. I know there's three stalls in there, so I know there's timing. And I would go to the bathroom that she's walking out. I wouldn't even let her walk around that thing. And right there, you hold them by the fucking side. But it's not a reaped hole. Right.

It's a love hole where my fucking big hand will wrap around you. and it's the best hand you felt since you were four and you're on your daddy's lap. No hand, no hand has ever made you feel like that because it's not a rapy hand. It's a comforting hand. Yeah. And not only that, I would let my hand go around

and I would let my fingers. No side boob? Never, that's low class. I would touch the middle of your spine on your back. So do you understand me? I'm not getting no side boob on you. You're walking on my fucking right hand. Yeah.

I'm going to catch you as you coming right here as ugly as I am, not when I was, this is when I was younger. And I'm going to wrap my hand around you, and I'm going to pull you close to me, not in front of you. I'm not going to rub my cock. That's low class. That control of my hand on your lower back should make your pussy get wet if I'm doing it correctly.

Because you haven't felt that since Daddy held you after you struck out in the World Series. You hold that back. And right there, you go into their ear and you go, finish the train when I go back to my plans I'm gonna suck your pussy till nothing's left and you let go of their back and it's like a fucking swivel they would walk back to the table

you go pee you come out and they're ready to go it is fucking but that hand that would probably work if you were really hot that hand no it would work at 1230 at night on because not what it's how I said it to you and how my hand touch the bottom of your spine

how you felt my palm. Look at this gorilla hand. This is dad's hand, bitch. I don't know, man. I need someone to try. You need to give this advice to someone. Someone comment me with this. It's the hand.

I'm telling you. In the right situation, nobody... Get that hand on the spine. Listen, in fighting, jujitsu, punching, it's balance. When I look at a girl

and I go, hi, my name is Joey, I've been looking at you all night. I really like to take you for a date. By the way, here's my card. I'm VP of operations. of whatever. My car is the Lamborghini,

and you're like, okay, you're a cool motherfucker, but then this chubby-looking, junk-candy-looking motherfucker is going to walk up to you and say, listen, I've been looking at here. I tell you what I did. While I was looking at it,

I called the house, and I told my mother to rip the Beyonce poster off my wall. Yeah, I live with my mother. I know you live with my mother. I got a nice basement. No, you lost me. You lost me. But I'm going to tell you something right now.

I'm going to suck your fucking, pussy and I'm going to lick your asshole I'm going to put a Coke rock in your asshole and just those words in that time I'm now for a word from our sponsors let me get those sheets Lee you're killing me here

that fucking hand you have me at Beyonce this this fucking hand right here has closed more deals from me open more legs for you itself no no yeah because this gorilla hand I would slip it in

And grab your spine and cup you and let you know I got you. If you fall, I got you. Ain't nothing that will happen to you. I just, I got to say, I don't know if that, I don't know what that would work. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, you have no idea with three cocktails in you, this fucking gorilla hand around you, me with some gel in my hair, it's all over the shot. It's the gel. With an eight ball, you're going down.

You're going deep into the murky water to the underworld. I think it might have more to do with that line. I'm gonna leave what's going on over that how are you feeling I have none of these the fact that you say any of these things happen to you like I was sitting there that night and you were just rattling it off and it was too it didn't seem like it was bothering you at the moment you were like oh yeah fine with it to me I don't think you're the sad as you want to think you know why because I had to look at it with levity it's like you have to look at it with levity it's really disgusting I can't keep it in if I tell you guys about mugging people

people and my mother dying. It's not disgusting. It's disgusting. It's not, though. It's something that they're going to question me when I go to when St. Peter, St. Peter's going to ask me about a couple feveries. He's going to ask me about my drug use. And they say all those women that you fucking lied to that you ate their pussy and they're still waiting for you.

You didn't lie? Well, that's how I got off the hook. I'd always tell them, listen, I'm out of Coke. What do you mean? You told me on an April. Let me go out to the car and get it. So you think St. Peter is going to be mad that you didn't give them more drugs.

I don't fucking. There's something wrong in all these stories. There's something really, and nobody broke up. Listen, there was just a lot of stuff that I look back at, and I'm not fucking proud about. Can I just say as having been married for 10 years and super sexually frustrated that sometimes I think to myself, if there had been some dude, I never cheated. But if there had been a guy on the side that was just giving me great sex every once in a while so I could stay with the guy I really loved and cared about and not have to leave him completely, that in some ways that guy would. be kind of like a champ. You know, like sometimes when you fuck someone who has somebody else,

what you're doing is making their relationship a little better. Because maybe they need that. Maybe she needed that. And she loved him and she doesn't want to leave him, but she needed a little something he wasn't giving her. And he'll never know. And you satisfied her. And they're still together because of you.

It's fucking disgusting. Now for a word from my sponsor. Before the show started tonight, I was telling Kay the story about when I got surgery a couple of years ago, I had me yundees. And I took a shower before the surgery. And that night, I couldn't take a shower. So I couldn't jump in the shower until the next morning with like a bag around my knee. And when I went in there, you always take a whiff to see what your ball smell like, you know.

And my balls were completely dry. This is after, you know, 24 hours of no shower. I really wasn't moving around after the surgery. But you always get that little jelly between your legs, like it stuck through the nose. It's like stuck to the nut sack. It connects. Like when you rip the nut sack off, there should be a bead of jelly in between.

When you rip the nut sack off? It's tremendous. Well, anyway, it doesn't really matter. We can't get into the particulars right now. They're a corporate sponsor. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is that they kept me completely dry. And I was in shock. And I didn't know why.

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you save up to $8 a pair of Miondi subscription plan. You get the Miondi subscription or a single pair. You get 20% off your first order. When you go to Miondi's.com slash Joey, that's me on these.com slash joey for 20% off your first order. That's meandies.com slash Joey. I'm telling you, These are the most comfortable underwear you'll ever wear.

Please go to meundees.com slash Joey and get 20% off your first order and free shipping in the U.S. and Canada. How's that for you, Lisa, at? Oh, amazing. And they got beautiful women and men's style. So get your shit together, all right? You look tremendous. You're a savage like that. Anyway, I'll tell you what, man.

I read a couple magazines from here to there. My wife gets a couple magazines sent to the house, you know, popular stuff. science. She gets the men's world for me. She got it for a subscription. I get Jiu-Jitsu world, you know, Rolling Stone, all that type of stuff. Now, thanks to pizza, we're all binge eating. Thanks to Netflix, we'll all binge watching. Now with texture, we can all start binge reading. Listen, man, there's nothing better than reading. Trust me, it's all about to be a thing. When it comes to magazines, you know what you like. And with texture, you can get all the magazines you want in one convenience.

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Fitness, money, National Geographic Kids, National Geographic Little Kids, clean eating, Bon Appetit, PC World, and that's just, I got two pages here. Do me a favor. I could talk here until I'm blue in the face. Do me a favor. Texture is offering my listeners a free trial right now when you go to texat.com slash Joey.

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They got a sale going on 4th of July. I don't need the code. Just go there right now. Read the fine selection of supplements they got. I can't get you a break on the motherfucking weights. What do you think I am? Fucking Joe Weeder, my weight days are over. Go to supplements, cock suckers, from the green earth to the T-Mac oil,

MCT oil to the motherfucking alpha brain to the motherfucking protein milkshake they got it all for you so go to honor dot com right now check out put it all in the cart on the way out pressing what church boom c h u r c h like a motherfucker and get 10% off your first order to live at the house i want to thank texture one more time i want to thank meynges dot com one more time and i want to thank my main motherfuckers over on it one more time how's that for you And I want to thank my beautiful fucking niece, Kate Quigley, who was a fucking star in the making. Five years from now we'll be laughing at this.

You'll be calling us saying, Joey, you got to take the interview off, me getting fucked the ass. NBC's giving me $80,000. I don't want them to know. I put on the application. I never got fucked in the ass. And I do not know Charlie Jane. You know what I'm saying? Not at all.

I love you. I love you, too. Thank you. Thank you. I missed you. I haven't seen you up close and personal. Yeah. And you look great.

And I wish you all the luck. man. Thank you. You know, go to Kate Quigley.com and get all your tour dates and get her bio, get her pictures, her emails on her Twitter, Facebook. And she's a great lady with a great future and jump on the bandwagon now. Don't come later on, motherfuckers.

Just because you're on somebody else's bandwagon right now. You're like, fuck Kate. And then 10 years from now, I always loved you. Ever since the Joey Diaz, but no, you didn't, cuck, suck. You didn't subscribe that. Come in one minute like Joey. That's right. Please.

I love you guys. Kate, good luck to you always. You're always family. You can always come on here. Lee Syatt, nobody loves you more than me, cucket. Stay black. This show was brought to you by Texter. Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash Joey.

You'll gain immediate entry to all the top magazines, including back issues and bonus video content. Start binge reading for free right now when you go to texture.com slash Joey. that's texture.com slash joey. Show is also brought to you by Meandis. Go to Meandies.com slash Joey right now to get 20% off of your first order. You'll also save $8.00 price using the Meandis subscription plan.

And don't forget the shipping is always free in the U.S. and Canada. That's meandies.com slash Joey to get 20% off of your order. The show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onondon.com. and use code word church to save 10% on all the great optimization products like Alphabrain, new mood, troop tech immune, and true tech sport. I see that music, baby boy.

Into the murky waters of the underworld. I'm letting you off the hook people. It was crazy fucking part of that.