The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #397 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 14, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 07/13/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Datsusara. Go to DSgear.com and use Code Word Joey to save 5% on all of their extremely high-quality functional gear made with hemp textiles. They have bangs, geese, rashcards, and much, much more, anything you want to wear for Jiu-Jitsu. Go to DSgear.com and use Codeword Joey to save 5%. And the show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use Cobord Church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like Alphabet, in new mood, Shroom Tech Immune and Shroom Tech Sport. Oh shit.

Crank that Muley. You're like, Joey, what's with the fucking piano? Just listen. It's July 13, 2016. Is it my turn to wish you were lying in? The church of what's happening now. I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping. Uncle Joey.

Lee Syatt. Is it my turn to fiction as my mind. world or even imagine your emotions tell myself anything me and I'm not really a big ron for you motherfuckers out of Jersey City New Jersey What's the story

Lisa at? That's a change of pace man I'm not really a big R&B person But that was It's it grows on you At the beginning it's a little boring maybe Yeah yeah it throws you off Listen they got like fuck

10 jams that'll take you around the world and back nobody knows about it i think p.m. dawn ended up i lost track on them like after this third album maybe okay i'm never even heard but the second album whatever came out in 93 was one of the best albums i've ever heard in my life what about it the p.m. dawn i used to go to this gym in north bergen and they used to always play it the one guy was gay and he would always play this album and at first i was like what the fuck is this had a couple good songs but then once i got into the whole album the flow and how they laid it down these guys run to something that song boomerang that song is from the movie boomerang that's a fucking great word with edie murphy that came out 93 also a fucking tremendous

movie with robin givins the black chick who won the oscar chris rock uh martin yeah and you were saying david allen greer chris rock is good in it and i can't i can't i can't name like two movies he's been he's got three scenes but all of them are pretty fucking funny. Oh, cool. They're all with Eddie Murphy, I think, yeah, they're all pretty much with Eddie Murphy. But, yeah, it was on BET yesterday, and I watched it for a little while, and I sat there, fucking getting sucked in

of what I was going through when that movie came out. It was a good movie. I enjoyed it. I like Eddie Murphy. Yeah, what do you think he's doing now, just counting his money, just doing nothing? You know, he's trying to do different things, you know? He's been trying to do stand-up. Really? No, no, no, no. I just keep hearing, like, a couple weeks ago, I heard from Jerry Rocha, that he went down to a club, that he was, they were supposed to show up with Dave Chappelle. Do you get out about stuff like that?

Like if anyone, no one. Because I know that if he gets on stage, he's going to have to go to the store. And I'll see him in his natural habitat where he feels comfortable. Oh no, but I'm saying, do you get excited? Are you like, so-and-so's back? Listen, man, it's been fucking 20 years. The hunger isn't there? The stand-up hunger isn't really there.

I mean, Tim Allen was a sensational comedian, but there's got to be a little hunger to you. You know, there's got to be a little hunger to really dig deep. You know, after a while, you're so busy. You probably just get a writer and write jokes with a writer, and he cleans your act up because now you have to have an image of something like that. So who knows what happened? DiO. Hugley's still sensational, George Lopez is out there. You know, there's a lot of those old guys that they just get better.

They just get better and better and better and better. You don't think about them because they're not on TV no more. You're like, I'm not going to pay the 25 bucks to go see him. It's a fucking great not entertainment. Are you still a fan of comedy? I want to laugh. Right. I do want to laugh.

So, like tonight I didn't do it. I can't tell you I did it tonight because the baby was watching TV. But I usually scroll. I scroll before I leave and I see who's going to be on Fallon, who's going to be on those shows and I tape. And I get pretty excited. And then when they eat dick, I get fucking pissed off, you know, because I would never have those opportunities.

But, you know, what the fuck? But I'm back, and I know a lot of people, listen, guys, thank you for all the well-wishes and the fucking, just everything. It was overwhelming, you know. It was, listen, surgery for some people, Joe Rogan goes in and gets a tube of blood taken out of them, and it's just another day. Some people do well with that stuff. I don't do fucking well at all.

And going into this, my state of mind was in a fucking bad place. I was going in there to fail. Like, I'm going in there Friday to fail already. You know, this all started with the physical. And I usually do well with blood test. This blood test was horrible. Like, it was just a bad experience. I had to breathe my way out of there.

I got it out of the surgery. Lee dropped me off Monday morning. I didn't even have to fucking 12. You know, I didn't drink coffee. I didn't smoke pot. I didn't eat nicotine gum. I went in there as sober as a fucking judge. You know me.

never really sober because there's leftover fumes from something in there you know and Mr. Diaz yeah I went through but here's the funny thing guys I'm at the fucking airport okay on Friday I land in Las Vegas I just fucking land I'm sitting by one of those

fucking things with the wheel rolling whatever the terminal with you wait for your luggage right yeah and nothing 20 minutes I got Larry waiting outside 20 minutes the thing spinning finally I look over and there's my bag on a different thing so I got to walk two things over, get my fucking bag, put the sleep apnea, and walk.

Now, while I'm walking, getting cut off by Asians, show girls, limo drivers, my fucking phone rings. And I think it's Larry. I go to get it at the time I'm on my way, and it's this number that I knew from the fucking doctor's office. I answer it. My name is Betty from St. Joseph's Hospital. I want to talk to Jose. I go, this is Jose. What's going on?

She goes, you have, you come in 8 o'clock Monday morning. I have to tell you about medications and what to take and what not to take. It says here you have high blood pressure. You take your medication with water, just a little bit of water. And I go, okay, thank you. And I'm really good off. She goes, one more minute. It's come to my attention that you like marijuana.

You said to the nurse, so we found out, I want you to know you should not do marijuana the night before the surgery because you get to dry. The anesthesia makes you dry with the THC. and then you're too dry. So that's why I didn't need edibles on Sunday night because she fucking scared. I just didn't want her. I just didn't need to.

You have a reputation now. Who gives a fuck? You got to get high before. No, it's good. But usually I would get high before surgery. This is how much I said, you know what? When you drove me for the colonoscopy,

when they showed the camera, my asshole, I got stoned to the gills that morning. Oh, no. Yeah, you have to. You can't do when you have a needle. You can't get high? Sometimes. But I didn't get high Monday morning.

I went in there right quick. They sent me to the middle. back the chick saw me right quick a nurse came and got me took me to my little fucking room i sat there for 20 minutes sweating like i was going to get killed that's what i sat like like i was going to go get execution like i sat the lady came in put the EKG on me with the thing my blood pressure was 200 over one fucking 50 160 or some shit like that that's how much i don't want to say it was stressed but that's my fucking fear it's all mental right it's all fucking mental i'm doing dr. belize breathing that you

That shit ain't fucking working. It's done by this point. And then the lady comes in. She's some fucking Romania lady, and she wants it to hit the vein, you know. So they put tooth, they put a needle in my right hand first. That hurts like a motherfucker. It's still bruised. They can't find a fucking vein.

It took five minutes of me sweat profusively. Then they switched to my left hand. They stick a needle. They can't find it. Thank God my wife was there. But at the time they stepped the second needle in me, I swear to God. I would have got up and said, listen, thank you very much. is not going to work. I'm going to have a good day. But

I already told you fucking guys on here. This is why when I get on Periscope in the morning, I always tell you guys I'm going to Jiu-Zo because now I put it out there. Now you guys hold me to the flames. I have to go. If I didn't do a podcast, I wouldn't have done this fucking surgery because I would have just said it and canceled it like I cancel

everything out. How can you, you can't just leave a surgery? I don't watch my fucking Cuban ass. That's like, I don't they're going to bill you for? Fear of a black planet. Oh my God. Fear of a black planet. I'm leaving, dog I gotta go

You stuck me with these needles My blood pressure is 200 I gotta go home I gotta go I gotta go And then my wife came And then the last needle felt like it went through my fucking arm

Guys I was sweat Listen beads were coming off my fingers Of the sweat I had my underwear Were drenched You thought like I did a work

I went to Jiu-Jitsu And that overswet That had gone on my underwear That's how much perspiration I lost right there at the fucking hospital. Just sitting on the like the examination table or something? Yeah, in the little fucking recovery area and they put a

they folded my arm up. I put my iPod in. I think I listened to Soundgarden, Super Unknown, two songs. They took me upstairs. The guy came over, talked to me, asked me some questions. They asked me who I was 15 fucking times. Like I didn't even know I was going to turn myself in this, I'm going to switch on the table

and take my identity. Every fucking place I went, day to birthed and name. Data birthed and fucking name. So they gave me a value to calm me down a little bit. So I started getting high on the fucking V they came. I'm not going to lie, no, but it's not like I eat fucking Vs every day. So I said, even though it was like low mileage, you know, they're scared

to do anything. I'm a fucking gorilla. You know, I can eat 20 of those things and nothing happens. And I eat one, and now I'm starting to get a little high. And they take me in the back and they're talking to me. And let he comes over with a syringe and she goes, we're going to shoot this and you intervene. It's going to make you fucking night night. And guys, next thing you know I woke up in recovery

and my wife was there with ice cubes and shit I had pain in my teeth like I'd done two eight balls whenever you do coat the next day your teeth hurt because all those nerve endings are right here that's why my teeth are getting all fucked up oh no meth and shit that's why they don't have no front teeth

because you're snorting it is yeah you're snorting it you're smoking it so your front teeth either light on fire from the chemicals and shit or the drip from the drug just seven your nerve endings and your fucking mouth.

You know, I had a black streak in my tooth from all the blow I was doing. And you kept going? Well, what are you going to do now? I already got a black streak. I got a matching one, you know what I'm saying? But I went to the dentist and I asked him if he could fix it for the small nickel. He fixed it.

But I went home. I ate those oxycontins. You know, I don't know if I got high on them. Then they told me they were a pussy doses, so I ate a couple of them. And, uh, listen, man, It's fucked up for a guy like me. I'm on antibiotics right now.

I'm on the fucking, I only took oxy-cottons tonight because my teeth and my nose were hurting. I've been under Tylenol or whatever the fuck, extra strength Tylenol, and they did just fine. And somewhere along the line, I fucking sat on my wrist. So my wrist is kind of fucking hurting. So if I sleep on my left side, my wrist hurts. If I sleep on my right side, my shoulder, the fucking hurts. I got to sleep laying up like a zambot. So it's been fucked up.

So tonight, hopefully I'll get a better night's sleep. I think I'm going to sleep without the sleep at me machine. and just sleep ala fresco tonight on the fucking chair in the living room. Do you think that maybe because you're going high to get blood tests? Is it why you freak out a blood test? No, I don't get high to go to blood tests. Oh, you don't? Okay.

No, no, I go straight to all that shit because I know that the reefer makes it seem worse than what it is. Oh, yeah, that would give me an anxiety attack. Like, that would give anyone. When I was on the testosterone, I had to give blood every 60 fucking days, and I had to get a needle in my ass every week. You have no idea what I'd go through. How did you do that? that. I just, I don't remember that at all. I don't know.

I would go there on Tuesdays at 10.15. He would shoot me in the ass and then he would give me a fool of every two months to go upstairs to the Filipino one to take blood out. And she was very good except one time I said to sweat profusely also. You always talk about when you get anxiety, that sweat comes out.

It comes out when I smoke that bomb. That bong is crazy. You want to smoke some bong? Sure. I know. I know. It's only Wednesday. It's only Wednesday. What the fuck? This is a good bond.

That's tremendous refa. You know, that's why I wanted to smoke with you. When I woke up, like that day after surgery, I had no appetite. I didn't eat much the day of my surgery. Then Tuesday, a little more. You know, I had a smoothie last night. I've been living on protein shakes. Well, you said you can't taste.

I never thought about that, but that makes sense. That's shitty. Yeah, that's terrible. My wife made fish chowler. That was a little small. spicy so that opened me up a little bit plus it gave me some protein so now it starts i was just waiting to do this so i can start training for the special now i got 90 days to the fucking special yeah that's gonna be it's like a training camp it's almost like a fighter 90 day training

camp i'm gonna do and i'm not going to nashmahs no more i'm doing the oddball festival instead so i'm doing the opening weekend of the oddball festival Nashville i'm sorry you know i love you motherfuckers i'm gonna reschedule but they open me the opening they're offered me the opening weekend with Sebastian and Tom Segura and we're going to like, what do you call that shit? West Palm Beach, it opens up on Thursday, Tampa Friday, Atlanta Saturday, wraps up in Indianapolis on Sunday. That's going to be so much fun.

August 25th or 29th. There's some shit like that. It must be, it must feel nice to get asked to do like these big festivals. Well, the guy that runs. this festival is Live Nation. Okay. And for years, I told he didn't like me. And all of a couple years ago, he started showing me some love and giving me some dates.

And I knew they were putting the festival together, and I knew I was going to get a call for something. Let me tell you that much. I just always knew. I didn't know it was going to be opening weekend. Listen, man, for years, nobody talked to me. So absolutely, I feel great about this. You know, my agent was like, well, you're hosting. Do you feel bad about that?

go, no, just to be asked to do it and to go out on the road and to work towards my special and to hang out with Tom and Sebastian and whoever else for the weekend, I don't get to do that. So it's great for me. It's a great experience for me. You know, right now, anything that happens with stand-up is gravy for me. I love it. I love it because I never thought I would be at this point in my life, stand-up lies. But we got here. We got a working for however long it lasts, and that's it. All I can do is do my best. I ate Dick Friday night in Vegas. You know, my material that I'm working on, I'm trying to, I'm starting to get sucked in by what I'm supposed to do.

And it's against what I want to do. I know what I want to do. I know the reaction I want to get from this. I know where the story has to go. I know where the jokes have to go. I just got to figure out where and what to threat it right now. And that's it. We got ourselves a great fucking special.

From there, we go to the book. And that's basically it. That's the fucking plan of attack. I like to drop 20 pounds before the special. I got to go measure it for a suit from my new sponsor. I'm going to put a fucking suit on from them from the special. How are you going to lose the 20 pounds? I'm going to lift weights.

Really? I'm missing those fucking veins. I've got to get my veins back. I'm going to lift some fucking weights. That's it. I'm pissed off. I'm pissed. They're never going to miss a vein again.

I've never been like that. Never. In the last fucking 20 years, I've never missed a fucking vein. and I never shot heroin and nothing like that. I can't even imagine doing that shit missing your fucking veins. Five times. That's scary. I mean, it seems to be happening a lot more often.

Like, it just seems like people are getting sick a lot more. And it's, it must get scary. Like, how would, did you talk to Mercy about it? Yeah, she's three and a half. She's looking at me thinking about fucking, you know, whatever the fuck. Jake and the fat man. No, you don't talk to, I can't talk to mercy. about it. Mercy doesn't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. She's three and a half.

You know, she doesn't understand that a father could be a grandfather. She doesn't know. She's not aware of that. She hasn't looked around her room and said, wait a second. My dad's two times older than the fucking other dad's in. So I got to get in shape so I could compete. Like, I got to run around at parks. I still got to go to events. So this is what needs to be done. Listen, Lee, let me explain something. The good thing about this podcast is, is I know that a lot of 53 year olds and above don't less than this. I hope that it's a lot of guys your age. And they, you know, it's so funny how you grow up

and your dad tells you shit all the time. Yeah. You don't believe you're dead. But a fat fuck like me comes along and you believe me, you understand where I'm coming from. And I hope that people, I didn't take care of myself. I didn't. I ran on fumes.

Thank God I had good jeans and shit like that. I regret, you know, like losing this. tooth in the back. I regret taking those teeth out with wrenches. I regret not going to the doctor all those years and taking care of shit, you know, instead of letting it run. But I caught it before it got even worse. It could have been worse than 418. I could have been 600 pounds right now. Oh, you think so? It would have gone. Oh, yeah. I could have been 600 pounds right now. I love food late. You know, I love to eat. I love to smoke marijuana. I love food. when you eat coke when you do coke and you eat you binge eat oh because you're all hyped up no you

finished you just went for 10 hours you lost a thousand minerals gatorade can't help you you know what the same when you do an eight ball of coke gatorade can't fucking help you really i never heard that i heard it made you not want to eat so you didn't it takes all your dopamine it just crushes you in so many fucking levels when your mind to get back you got to eat how many times i would go get like two eggs and a cheese omelet with fries, potatoes, and two orders of toast, and two or three cans of Coke for breakfast and a half a glass of water. I could do that every fucking day if I wanted to. Damn. A good cheese omelette with French fries, nice fries, crinkle cut, shit, with some wheat toast or butter, shit. I thought it was the only one that did that.

No. Got fries in the morning because hash brown suck. Hasch brown suck. The worst. They cook them in the outside and the middle is raw. I don't like that shit. Burn them. I tell motherfuckers every time I go to breakfast. How do you like the potatoes? Burnt. And they come back with this fucking chivalry. Then I burn those motherfuckers, bitch. I just told you.

Yeah. The shredded ones are the worst. The shredded ones and like when they try to give you healthy potatoes. I hate those fucking McDonald ones too. No, that's the one I like. That's the only good one because it's terrible for you. That's pimple juice in the middle. You got to take care of yourself. Like I said, I bailed out.

But you have to assume people that by 45 things are to start going wrong. Your eyesight, you know, you have to watch your weight. Your metabolism drops tremendously. Your metabolism drops tremendously. You could run, lift, and you could do the fucking calorie counter and go 200 calories over for two days and you will gain two fucking pounds. You'll go, Jesus fucking Christ, I walked to the Y, I walked back, I walked 40 minutes on the elliptical and I lifted weights. How do I gain two fucking pounds? Your metabolism, goes on the fucking thing.

You know, you have to, your body naturally will start cutting shit out. And like, what do you mean? Cutting shit out? You will naturally figure it out that you don't want, maybe I won't have a bowl of soup this time.

Listen, my standard order is soup, a salad, an appetizer, and a main fucking course. Correct? No, that's your main fucking thing. We smoke dope. But by the time the fucking main course comes, you're just wasting food

you're just wasting food you're just filling yourself up trying to get a fucking heart attack filling yourself up that's all you're trying to do when you smoke that weed do you ever realize like you don't remember eating the food you just ate itself like it just gone well listen we first started eating those stars

six eight months ago I would go home and it was horrible it was fucking horrible it was horrible like you just don't even have any memory like I'll sit there and I'll eat and I'll be like after I'm done. It's like that wasn't even, I don't remember tasting one bite of that.

It took me three minutes to eat. And it's just, it's. I eat fucking fast. Yeah. I eat super fast. I eat super fast. It's a horrible fucking habit and it gets your fat because you eat all the food. Then you realize how stuffed you are.

Right. Instead of eating a little bit going more. You know, it's like I've told you for years. I cut out potato chips at 93. Once I left Hashways, when I moved to Colorado, I'm like, I'm not going to get wise potato chips no more. So it's not worth it to me. It's so fucking weird. And then eventually you start cutting desserts out.

Or then eventually you start splitting desserts across the table instead of getting a dessert and a milkshake. I used to get a dessert in a milkshake. Oh, yeah, of course. You know what's the work? I just figured this out. Delivery is the worst, not only because you're ordering out. But they all have like $15 minimums. So I found myself the other night.

Like, wait a second. Why am I ordering a dish, an appetizer, and something else? Just to meet the minimum, that's why you gain weight. If you get delivery all the time, I used to, like, I remember summer where a place banned me. I was ordering too much from them. And they were too far away. And they said it wasn't worth their time. I'm not a delivery guy.

Oh, I love it. For anything. You don't like delivery? No. What about it? I want to go see you cooking. I don't know if the fucking driver put cyanide in it or some shit. No, no, no, no.

I don't like nothing. I don't like delivery weed. I want to see it. I got, Geneo's got great wheat. Oh, yeah. But I want to go to the store. I want to go. I want to see what you got.

I don't want you to come over and you ain't got what I want. You're sure about a purple weed. I don't want that. I know it's what you got, but I don't want that. I want to see the 12 fucking selections A different fucking refa that you got You know what I'm saying? So that's why I don't like nothing to deliver

Even at 415 Don't like it It's too fucking easy And it's too I don't get it I have a friend Stacy That would pink dot Constantly She would not leave her fucking house

Booze cigarettes Toilipaper The works Bro it's got to the point where if I put G In your thing You know how most people get Gmail I get grubbo I swear to God

What's Grubhub? Where you order food. What's Gmail? What is that? Gmail. It's like your email. It's Google email and then Grub. But instead, because I go to Grubhub more than Gmail.

What's Grubhub? It's a site where you go and have like 8,000 restaurants you can order from. And they'll pick up the food and bring it to the ounce. The restaurant does it. They do have like now, they have like Uber drivers picking up food. I see Uber delivery, Uber tacos or something like that. I don't want that either. No, that's kind of creepy because then someone else non-associated with the restaurant is going to pick up your food.

I don't want that either. I don't want none of that shit. Then it comes to your house. They know where you live. The case to join out. Trust me, I was a delivery guy, Doug. You want to get robbed and get delivery. Eventually, they'll go, there's a little chubby Jew.

He's always got his girlfriend over there. And I'm always stoned. Dude, I have laughed in about three delivery drivers' faces. Just, I lose it as soon as I open the door, and I just hand the money on a laugh in their face at the close the door. It's great. You know, it's pretty funny. When we started working together,

you're always a great worker, but you didn't know the parameters. You know, it's really weird when you have to come to an office or you have to go to a plant and work. But when I say, the elite, I need an outside sale. And you're like, what does that entail? That entails you come to the office Friday with your orders for the week. That's what that entails. Monday through Thursday, I don't know what the fuck you do.

I'm not going to hold your hand. I don't want to know what you've been. And all I want you to do is to come in here on Friday with $2,000 of order so I can give you your fucking 800. Or bring me $3,000 or $5,000, but your minimum is two. The first time that happens to you, you really get kind of lost because you don't have parameters or what to really do or where to start. You know, and then you start to realize that, yeah, just because the business opens at 10, doesn't mean the person you're dealing with is there at 10. Right. There's so many fucking things.

You know, so you have to learn how to fill your day and how to get those orders out by the Friday. And it's so weird that I watched you grow. I never really told you what to do. I gave you like a path. But if I think back from my criminal days to my being, trying to be legit days, to doing comedy days, my number one rule was always the same. You got to get out. Yeah. You got to get out.

You wake up, you drink you coffee, you smoke your reef, you smoke a cigarette, you get in the show. Bam, you're out. Bam, out by a certain time every day, so there's no misunderstandings. Even if you just go get coffee and that there you start your job, but you're out of the house. There's no comfort. There's no phone. There's no TV. There's no Twitter.

There's nothing that could take away your time. The most important thing in all those jobs, which you had a problem, was time. management. Time management is one of the most difficult fucking things when you're out there banging out on your own. It was crazy because a lot of people have like panic attacks when they go away from home and go to college. College was fine. It was school. So I know.

And then when I came out here, I've worked since I've been 16. So I know how to go to work. Sorry about that people. That's going to be part of tonight show. I'm sniffling blood. So I'm very sorry. But when I even asked you, you got kind of mad at me on a lot. on the podcast.

It was, like, I forget how I phrased it, but I was like, what do you do with your day? Like, I just, when I first, when I stopped working, it was November, I think it was, it's like almost two and a half years ago now. So in November, and I just didn't know, like, I would do a little bit, but then TV's there. And I always used to make fun of people who would go to the coffee shop. I didn't understand it. I was like, why the fuck you're going to Starbucks? You have Wi-Fi, you have coffee, what, to just like, just to hang in.

out at a Starbucks, but that's what it is. You have to go, you have to be somewhere else, I think, to work. You shouldn't have to, and it's, you don't have to. It's a weakness that you're fixing by going somewhere, but at least you're dressing in. I like writing in the house when I have to do research.

Okay. But you can focus. You're good at that. When I want to write longhand and just write material and go crazy and write a story out, I go to the coffee shop. There's different things I could do. But I also, I have a goal. I have an hour and a half goal.

And I can do something for an hour and a half, and I get up and do something for an hour. Then I get back and hit it again for an hour and a half. So from one to three, I've really worked four hours. And there's been six hours, from nine to three. I've worked four out of nine out of six hours. And you know what, man, people, when you go to an office, you have tasks to do, but a lot of your day is bullshit.

Is bullshit internet searches. So that's honestly, I don't know if that's the part of the reason why I was used to it. But then also, I only had this thought and I called you at like midnight. I've always liked working at night. I don't know what it is. During the day, I get distracted. I don't even do shit. I just, I go online, and then you get a phone call, then you want to go to the gym, and then you eat lunch.

It's just so segmented that I can never really get going. Have you ever seen what DiAgostino used to do? No. The Agostino used to sell duct tape on the phone at the place. Right, yeah, yeah. And there was three different floors. And every floor was, you know, the more serious accounts, the people who sold the most. But if you walked into where the Agostino worked, and for an hour when you sat there, it was, you know, 16 people at the phone at one time.

The fucking desk is clear. All there is. your phone and a computer screen with the number you're going to call and the fucking computer dials for you. Yeah. So it's non-stop. And with those type of jobs, all you're doing is trying to get numbers. If you call 400 people, you're going to sell two people.

So you don't give a fuck. You're looking for those. No, no, no. We're not interested. Go fuck yourself. Fuck you click. Fuck, you click. Tell me more about your product.

But to reach that, you got to hit, you got to keep hitting. Right. especially in today's economy. But even like that mentality, of constant like that for six hours, I can't do that. I did it when I had to do it then on the phones. I could be on the phones for eight hours.

On Saturdays and Sundays, I'd be on the phones from seven in the morning to six at night selling sports information. Monday being our biggest day, Monday night football. You have no fucking idea what it's like to just sit there and call motherfuckers and sell. And that's part of where I got the training to, I'm constant.

Yeah. When I get up in the morning, I already know the emails I have to send. So if I get up, if I get up and my wife's in the kitchen, I go in that little room before the baby gets up, and I start hitting those people. I want them to walk in their office and get that.

That's part of it. Then mixed in that, you take a shot. I mean, I do it like we spoke about a few weeks ago. It's all coordinated. It's multitasking, but not really. you're just being efficient with your time. I wasn't born efficient, not by no means. I had to learn to be efficient.

But you know how I learned to be efficient by being an estimator? And then you learn about labor. And if you ever figure out your labor and your cost and what you're doing now, you'll be embarrassed. Absolutely. You follow I'm saying to you? So if you look at yourself as an estimator sometimes and go, what do I really fucking do here?

And what do I really, what do I really fucking doing it? It'll shock you. And it'll teach you, you know, it's like I say to people all the time. What do you mean you don't like the gym? It's four hours of your week. You got 724. What's that come out to? 168.

Okay, four hours. So you still got 164 hours left. Even if you sleep, 60, 7, 8 hours a night, you still got 100 hours to do what the fuck you want. Four hours ain't going to fucking kill you. I'm the world's biggest procrastination. like that that has always killed me like i'll procrastinate like when you used to get mad at me for going to the gym late and you used to call me what are you doing it i'm going to the gym i wanted to go to the gym in 10 but then she would happen and i could put it off i'm the king of like if if something has a

due date i'm screwed i it's it's a little bit hard working with someone like you sometimes where you know there's no real planning it's just go but Because of that, I don't have time to worry about or to think about it or not do it. If it's just we're doing this now, then we're doing it now. As Americans, we worry too much about our fucking job. We worry too much. We worry too much that it affects us doing our job. I want you to be as efficient as you can.

And sometimes we're giving you a lot of information. It's going to make you efficient. It's just going to make you think more. yours is not the reason why yours is not yours to do or die let's go watch this and you sit there and go wow that's how it's done you know i get aggravated when i watch people work what about it okay if i called you tomorrow and said lee tomorrow uh get a guy to come in here and we got hit i need the office mopped okay okay if you think i want a guy to come in here and have a mop and really mop you're fucking great

I want the guy who comes here with a fucking hose and sprays fucking gasoline on this fucking wall and hits it with a fucking hose and sweeps it out and sweeps out the whole fucking thing in 10 minutes. So what it take you to do with a fucking mop in an hour like a fucking dunce? This guy did in 10 fucking minutes because he knows if he does 10 of those, he gets $20 of those and he fucking does those all day. Right. I have a style of working. I used to get aggravated with people. when I worked on the roof of my brother-in-law, okay?

It was my brother-in-law's business. I could have done two things. I could have been a sack of shit, been there late and not worked hard and been the bummed brother-in-law. Or I could have been the best guy on the job. I was out of prison. I had a point to make.

I wanted to be the best job on the guy. So the guy that partnered up with me every day, he knew there was no chitter-chatter. There was no, did you watch the game last night? There was nothing. He's going to cut this fucking room. roof, he's going to pull it and you and me are going to keep picking him up as he

pulls. There's no stopping. There's no nothing. And that made everybody else work that way. There's no fucking around. Because then, like, let's say, would you get out of three instead of five or something? You know, we would do 40 squares a day, 40 square feet of roofing a day on this job. This job was

huge. We were there for six months, eight months, and we had to do 40 squares a fucking day. And for the five guys that it was, it was unheard of. It was unheard of for us that ripped two fucking old roofs off, you know, then fucking tape everything off, insulate, and then fucking put the rubber down and then ballast it with stone. It was unheard of in those days for the amount of guys we had. We were out working any other fucking crew black roofing had, any other crew anywhere else, because that was our philosophy. Nobody went. We put music on. We smoked a joint. Let's do this. I don't know what you're talking about,

that do you do the same thing working out yes because I yeah absolutely because I wanted to get over yeah I want I don't want I don't want to fucking go in the gym and talk to people when I used to go to the YMCA in Hollywood oh my God you never seen people that wanted to talk more I never saw nothing like that my life people want to stop and talk to you I don't want to talk to nobody don't I don't want to know hello goodbye what's happening good to see you hey you know yeah bye Boom, you're on the fucking thing. You're on a mission.

Absolutely. And I wasn't even talking about that because that does happen. A lot of people want to chat. But I just meant like if you're doing like you're going to start weightlifting again. Like if you're doing a set of and you're supposed to have like a minute and a half rest, I'll go at 115. I just want to get this thing over with. I don't want to be doing this all night. Like that's what we did today at kettlebells.

We just like we finished in like 25, 30 minutes, I think. Because we just went. We didn't stop. there's a lot of people that don't you know they have different styles of working and they have different styles of being efficient you know i can't judge any of them you know i can't judge any of them i just know how i like to do it and i know how i know that the most important thing on any job and anything that we do is organization that's the most important fucking thing day one day one day one day one And that's 101.

Exactly where you're going to be at this time every fucking day. Where are you going to be Thursday at 145? So you mean organizing your life? By organizing your life schedule, your work schedule becomes more efficient. It has to. You don't have time. No. That's a problem when you have too much time.

You're playing for keeps. Right now, you said that you left the house at 9 today. you didn't get back till tonight. That's a great day where I come from. Now, you're 26 years old. You should be doing that six days away. And not saying to me like, boy, am I tired. I don't know what you're talking about it.

I thought I was going to be. I was stressed out about today. No, I get stressed out about those days too because you don't have them. You usually don't have them. You don't know how you're going to do well. When I look at my notebook and I got six things in one fucking day, I fucking my heart stops. But those six things are a dick.

Those six things are a phone. conference, Jiu-jitsu, meeting somebody, picking up my daughter, maybe having two spots in one night or something. So you're not leaving the area until the night time.

For the past two and a half years, almost never did I leave this five square mile radius. Probably not even five square miles. Why would you? It's overrated. It's filled with traffic and cars. And everything I have to do in the daytime takes away, you know,

Right. That's what I was like that. When you go over that fucking hill people, add an hour to your day, both directions. At an hour. Add an hour. And you know what that hour does to you in the fucking car? Two things. Again, that's when you make your calls. Okay. That's when you, if I know I got to fucking get in the car, there's no calls in the morning. I just sent emails. And that 45 minute driving a 4.05, I'm just banging out calls. Well, I didn't do it today because I was worried about the traffic, but have you thought about, and I know you're not going to do it, but getting a driver or Ubering, just so you can do stuff in the back of the car and the traffic? No. It's always you. You don't want to be on the other side of time without a fucking car. Yeah.

Ever, ever. There's an earthquake. You're waiting for Uber? No. There's earthquake, Sam Lee. I don't do nothing here without my fucking car. That's cute. Yeah, I took the train.

It was romantic. Good. Wait till the fucking train breaks down. Wait. You got to get stuck at a fucking thing. And it happens all the time. Every three weeks, the train breaks down. Don't fuck with that train.

Don't fuck with that train. Dude, I almost left my car in Beverly Hills. I was like, okay, I'll leave my car there because I was worried about getting back here in time. I was like, I'll leave my car and I'll take an Uber to the train. I'll take the train back up here. And I'm glad I didn't. And sort of going back to with your surgery, it seems like, it seems like, everything tends to work out.

And people go through shitty times, obviously, but all this worrying I did about my day and making it in time, I made it in time and everything. Your surgery went, it seems like went well. So it seems like everything tends to work out. The younger you are, the tougher it is to explain, for me to explain to you how things work themselves out. You know, again, I want you to close your eyes and think,

19 fucking 87 And I go to my Attorney's office and he goes to the first deal Is nine years I could have got a gun After that just gone to fucking roust And started shooting people Nine years

Nine years I'm gonna go to jail with him 25 I'm gonna come out with I'm 30 fucking Four Do you like Fall to the floor when you hear that? What does your brain go through When you hear nine years

I'm moving to fucking Cuba No, it's just I'm using that as an example Of the positions we've gotten ourselves into And how we've worried about it And where you end up Where you start And how much worry you had

And where you end up You know, I get emails Once a month And it makes me think And they always say, listen man We listen to this And boy, did you have adversity in your life Or did you overcome you had bad luck

first of all half of it was life and the other half of it was shit i brought upon myself you know some way i figured out how to eliminate that out of my life little by little i don't know how i did i had a plan in a way but i didn't have a plan i just knew what i wanted to be the end result i knew that peace of mind was my end result i knew it would be nice to have a woman instead of dying by your fucking self. I knew it would be nice, not even to be comfortable, but just to be able to live and not have to stress anything and my bills are paid. Those are my goals. I didn't sit there and go, I want to test the Rosa. I never sat there and thought that way. I was, I had already lived a life that I knew I wanted a simple life. You know, I wanted to keep it simple. You know, I'm very content

with the simple fucking things. And right now my life is very simple. In fact, the time it's too simple. It pisses me off. You know? Because you're not busy enough? No, just because it's not moving along the way I wanted to. Maybe it's moving too fast or maybe, you know, just at this time my life, I wanted to be on wrapping up a TV show on Gower, my sixth year, and I could have been moving the fuck out of here on my check to some fucking state, retired, and raised my daughter or something like that. That was one avenue. Well, isn't what you just said, how things tend to work themselves out?

Doesn't it still apply to you at 53? You never know. You never know. But right now, I'm having a good time doing this. Hell yeah. I can't see myself being on the set now after doing this with you for so long. Having people tell you what to say and what you do? What to do?

I can't do it now. I'm not a dress. We're trying to be there. You know, we're working until midnight time. I'm not sure. That's what I want anymore. I'm not sure that's what I want anymore I don't think this is going to happen

but let's say you never acted again would you be okay? Wow you've done all that you wanted to do with acting not that you no no no I've done it more than I want to do I did more than I have a fucking dreamed of I did more than I have a fucking dreamed of never mind I did more acting than I fucking ever even came close to doing

So there was no plan for acting? It just sort of happened? No, there was no fucking plan for acting. So, but then does that freak you out, though? Because you plan everything. I was such a fan of acting that I never thought I was good enough to do it. You know, and this is the simple mentality that we all have. We all have this thing that maybe, why had it more than the people who listened to this fucking show?

I'm very insecure. So I never thought I would be on a fucking TV show. You know the type of person you have to be on a TV? TV show. You have to be fucking special. You have to have a mom and a dad. You can't do drugs. This is what I thought in my mind.

Then Richard probably lit himself up with fire and then my mind started going. But no, no, no, no, no, no, no. At no point that I ever think, I was such a fan of it. I was such a fan of it that, and I was such a fan of the great actors, that I never thought I could do something like that. never ever ever And So yeah

So there's no But there was no plan though And that's what I was When I came here Lee The plan was to survive The plan was I had two options I could go to Boulder

And fucking Kung Fu fight with these people And end up in jail And something bad's gonna happen I can move to New York And get caught up in that stupidity Or I could stay in L.A. The weather's nice I got a few wins.

I don't know anybody. Big, but I have a few wins. I didn't come down here knowing people or a lot of people move here because, you know, somebody helps someone. I didn't know nobody. I just knew I couldn't stay in Seattle no more. I wasn't a good comic when I got here.

I was doing comedy six years. And out of those six years, I was basically doing, maybe seven years. I thought seven years, I really did comedy for five. I wasn't ready for L.A. So what I just came and fake the funk at first. I just came to fake the funk.

I just came to give it a shot. Columbus did. Let's get this out of the way. Let's see what this is all about. Obviously, from the stories people are telling me, nothing's going to happen for me. Obviously, it's tough to get spots at the improv. It's tough to get a sad card unless you have to start as an extra.

It's tough to get a TV show. It's tough to get an agent. It's so tough to do all these things. I couldn't see myself doing one of these fun. fucking things. But then I'm confused, though. So did you have? I had nothing else.

Do you have? I had $300. I was looking at going to jail in Seattle. I was looking at going to fucking Boulder and making, you know, 600 a week the rest of my life in Boulder. It's a college town. Or I could take a chance with this and get this out of the way. Just give it a chance. just let me see how I fit.

Do you have anxiety about it? Nothing. Oh, nothing. I had nothing. So I had zero to fucking lose. I was living with a fucking stripper. Do you think I was raised to live with a fucking stripper who was giving hand jobs and giving me

fucking germs? Do you think that's what I like? At that point, I had to give it a shot. Doug Stanhope said, I just worked with you the weekend. You'll do great. It's only 20 minutes sets. It's not like you need an hour to move down. But so is that kind of what we were talking about earlier where it's

since you have, I mean, since there's no, you don't have any reason to be scared. Like there's no time to be scared. It's a plan without having a plan. These people that come to you and say, I'm doing this in a year. They're giving themselves time to be scared and to talk themselves out of it. What's going to happen in a fucking year? That's different. A little bit more money?

How much more? How much more? How much more? What do you think that's going to happen this year? Nothing's going to happen bad in your life. You don't think your car's going to blow up. You don't think you're going to need new tires. You don't think your girlfriend's going to want to ring,

or you don't think your dog's going to get sick because he had a fucking chicken bone. And it's going to cost you 900. What's going to happen in the year? Nothing. Unless you really are making $3,200 a fucking week. And you've got a plan like that. You're walking out here, Joey. I'm going to work for 20 weeks.

I'm going to have $60,000. I'm going to leave here with fucking $25. Unless you got that. plan. But if you've got some mind-fucked-planned than a year and a half, Susie's going to have her degree. Go fuck yourself. Fuck Susie. Don't. This is your dream.

Susie ain't got nothing to do with your fucking dream. Why are you dragging Susie into your fucking dream? It was a plan without a plan, Lee. It was a plan, listen, Lee, it was a plan with a small, with a high possibility of failure.

But if I failed, I had a place to go. I can start all over. I go to Boulder and try to be a dad and eventually kill one of these people and eventually get what I deserve in life, a fucking prison cell and three cots. That was my mentality.

That's what you want to hear. That was it. When did it change? Did it take until you got off Coke or? No. It changed when things happened every 90 days. Something happened every 90 days. Just a little improvements?

I got here January 29th. I drove into town. I went to Alcapulco. I ate the all you could eat Mexican. I took a shower in the fucking RV. And I went to the Comedy Store on a Monday night. I saw Wheels and I saw Eddie Griffin and I saw all these people. And then somebody said they knew me and they put me on stage.

I did three minutes in front of three people. Right there alone, I could put it on my resume, Comedy Store, and talk shit like all those other Loser Comics that do a Sunday night and they go back to this small town and tell people I perform at the comedy store. No, you performed three minutes. So I did like three minutes on the open mic. There was three people there at one in the morning. But Stanhope gave me a reference and that put me on the list at the comedy store and it was like a six month wait and all of a sudden bam, I became a regular at the store February 19th. So I'm not here a month already. Now when I was working out there in all these towns, every comic would tell me there's no way you're going to

become a regular in any of those clubs unless you have a high, manager or you know you know somebody or something there's no way I got here within three weeks I was a regular at the fucking improv and at the store but something happened the second day I was here I went to the laugh factory and Jim Besada watch my sent he told me you don't belong here you belong doing nightclubs like Red Fox he goes get yourself a suit and a tuxedo go out and do dirty jokes you do a lot better than what you're gonna do in this town they told me that the second fucking day Right there, somebody else would abandon ship.

I understand where you would abandon ship from hearing it from Jamie, but looking back on it, is it kind of crazy that you were taking advice from comics in other parts of the country that weren't living in L.A.? No, no, no, no. I was, when I just got into comedy, I started doing a thing called Tribble. And I would host the Tribble runs.

So I would host at the Boulder. All those comics came from me to San Francisco, L.A. in those days. And those were the guys saying don't go there? So I would ask them. I would say, Hey, man, how is it living in LA? It's fucking tough. How long do you lived there for?

Nine years. You're regular at the store? No. You're regular at the improv? No. I go, what do you do? I teach driving school and I go to audition sometimes. Have you booked anything?

I booked this. Oh, you look familiar. You know, shit like that. What you find out years later, where the guys on those runs were just horrible comics that weren't doing nothing here. Right. So everybody I worked with was very negative.

They had lived in L.A. and they were doing Trimble Runs. The career was on Trimble Runs now, which is one step above on cruise ship. I'm not disrespecting anybody. That's how they consider it out here. So the comics I was working with were comics that were living here that really had nothing going on. The San Francisco comics were very happy. They had tons going on. They had clubs up there and contests and festivals.

But the L.A. comics that I was working with, comics that were like, I go to the improv every Sunday night. I don't get up. So, boom, February 19th, on my 34th birthday, I'm a regular at the fucking comedy stormy and Jamie Massada don't want me there, but I've been a kid named Gilbert Escobel and he ran Latino night at the Laugh factory and wasn't associated with Jamie. Oh, so he could go in? I would go up every Monday night. He would give me 20 minutes at 915 or 925. So even though, and Jamie wasn't there,

so Jamie would never even know I went up. They would pay me on the side. So all these things. And then in 90, what do you think happens? Josh Wolf, one of my best friends, gets one of the biggest fucking developmental deals in the history of fucking Los Angeles off of one-man show.

Really? Yeah. So this is one of your best friends now. He gets a half a million dollars and you're living in a fucking car. So that was demoralizing. I'd have to imagine. It wasn't demoralizing at first,

I was a little angry and jealous, but then I realized that if he could do it, I could do it. So you were... Now, this is 99. Okay, 99, I'm getting spots at the store. Then something, all right, so I became a comic. I got the comedy store, and then something happened in June. I booked a commercial.

So, 90 days. So you figured, no. So I got here. I booked the comedy store, and a week after I got into the comedy store, Vinnie Curdo, came up to me and asked me if I wanted to do a John Fogarty video, the singer from whatever, Creedon's Clearwater Revival. So that was really my first job. It paid $800. That was like getting a million dollars. Are you in the music video?

Yeah. You can't find. It's on there, but they cut it up and shit. That was my first job. And then I didn't, and then there was, De Niro was shooting a movie. a boxing movie and for some reason I got in on the audition

and I just ate dick and I really in my mind thought I was gonna get it like I was that cute like I'm gonna fucking get it and they ended up giving it to like a big name then the movie went under

and I probably had my lump stent I was going through a lot of shit with drugs and then boom I book a commercial me and Carol break up and I book a commercial and that commercial gave me 80 grand and that kept me a blow

and fucking and at that time time I was doing little gigs. I was opening for Joe, but I would do little weekends here and there as a feature act. And then I just dedicated my stand-up for a while. Like I bombed one time, and I just went back into stand-up big time. And did triple runs, and I did all those things to make me stronger. But when I came back, I booked basketball. How long were you on the road? Maybe 10 months. So my first year and a half here, I had booked a movie. A pilot for CBS, a commercial.

I was a regular at the store. I was homeless. I was doing blow every fucking night. But that made me more aggressive. Plus, I was shooting a lot of short films at the time. Like student films? I was a hustler. Yes.

On Wednesday nights at 5 o'clock, I would go to 7.11 on Curzon. And I would buy backstage. It's a publication. And I would put it in my car. And that night, when I get home, I'd do blow. and I'd fucking circle the job as I was right for and I'd make envelopes, put a headshot in their resume and two tickets to the comedy store,

and I'd mail it. Because I knew if I mailed them Thursday morning, I'd audition by Friday morning or Saturday. Because it's not a big budget production. It's 50 envelopes. The first 50 envelopes to audition. Oh, really? Yeah.

And it's amazing to me that you had this coke job. It's amazing that you still have that work with it. because I had to do this because I didn't have the help other people had at that time. I was banging this out by myself. At this time, I had a manager. His name was Jeff Gatlin. By 99, I had a manager called Jeff Gatlin. That was a tremendous manager.

In fact, I called him a few weeks ago. Fucking, and he got me auditions. He started getting me, motherfucking, big-time auditions. I wouldn't book nothing, but what I was getting that I didn't know was experience. I was getting the experience of... Going to the room, knowing where to sign in. I'd be going into these fucking huge rooms. Probably nervous as hell the first time.

Nervous as fuck. But he sent me to so many fucking auditions. You know? And then I booked Mad TV. And then I booked the best damn sports show. Then I booked Analyze That. So I was getting love every 90 days. When I booked Analyze that,

It was in my mind, I was over. It's a De Niro movie. I'm acting with fucking Anthony Lopogli in the scene. That's it. The door should open. Nothing happened. And that's when you get frustrated. That's not moving fast enough.

Your career's not moving fast. But something happened I wanted to tell you about. Okay, so I shot analyzed that in July. Okay. The movie was getting released in December. I couldn't fucking wait. I couldn't wait. for that movie to come out.

To, like, show off? For the movie to come out, for me to get more work and to have a real. So I was telling somebody about it one day on the road. I was telling this kid about this fucking movie I did, how when it comes out, I'm going to be a fucking star, and people are going to start booking me on the weekends and shit. I could headline, because that was the goal to go. I knew I was never going to headline as a comedian,

but if I got a bunch of movies, I can go back door and headline that way. I can not imagine you saying that stuff. So, so, uh, I'm talking to this kid. He's a black kid, great kid. I still keep in contact with him. At the time, he was in the service. And he knew a guy in the service. God, damn, my back is fucking itchy time.

He knew a guy that got movies ahead of time. What do you mean? This is crazy. This is a crazy story. So I'm telling him this story about it. I can get this movie, I get the reel, but I got to wait because even when the movie comes out, I can't get the real. So the movie goes to the DVD, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, let me make some calls.

This guy was like in the service and shit. He calls me back. He goes, I get you the movie. He goes, my buddy clips the movies off the computer. When they get edited, and they go back and forth from the editing to whatever, he'll get the movie for you. The only problem is they turn it upside down. it backwards. Just in case someone steals it.

Somebody steals it. So you have to go someplace where they return it backwards and shit. Oh, shit. This is crazy shit. And that's, that must have been before the internet then, because that? That, this is 2001, 2002, 2003. So yeah, it's probably pretty new then.

Wow. And you would have to, where, where do you go to do that? Is it like a back alley thing? No, he said that. The guy would go, he knew how to tap into the computer at whatever film lot and tap into their films and editing. And he would look at chunks of films going back and forth from editing through the editors. This is craziness. And this is how those fucking guys do it.

They hack into the sit. Oh, my God. So do you do it? He sent it to me, but we can never turn it around. we could never ever fucking turn around nobody would touch it yeah like what the fuck is this oh yeah so you went to places and said can you flip this

and people were like oh my god we talk about it that's how crazy it was i finally just drew it away so what was the boxing movie with denaro when you were younger though i never heard about that this is a movie that vini kerto saw and it was going to be done by denaro markey warburg Marky Walberg was playing Vinny Kerto and De Niro was going to play Angelo Dundee. And Vinny Kerto wrote the script. And right before the movie was being shot, De Niro pulled up.

Damn it. Did you tell him when you worked with him that, that you almost did that movie? No. No, I didn't mention Vinnie Kirtle. I don't say nothing. I don't, again, I don't mention nothing. I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing.

How are you great to meet you? I know you? Not at all. I never met you, but. before never never never even if i met you 10 times no no no unless you come up to me you go i met you one night at the party and then i got a cop to it besides i don't know no no i wasn't that you're sure you i don't know no you always do that when someone like like recognize you like have i seen in a movie like no it's hysterical it's funny you just you keep saying no they're like come

on man i know if you're like no i'm just i'm just a regular guy people always tell me i look like a guy from the movies but that's not me trust me would i be driving a super brew and they just look at me you got a point and they walk away I like fucking hate getting embarrassed you don't like it something you know no no it doesn't fucking feel good it feels embarrassing why because sometimes

your head somewhere else you're thinking about something completely different you don't think nobody's gonna fucking say nothing to you and then some guy comes up to you and says you got from the longest young when they hit me with a specific I tell them yes sometimes I lie but if they ask me

If I'm an act, I go, now I'm a stand-down. And now they go, oh, yeah, I sing out on HBO. No, you haven't. But fuck it. Oh, my God. This stitch is hanging out. Can you see it? Don't play with it, then.

Oh, no. You see it? Not really. I mean, a little black thing. Yeah. That's that little fucking black thing. People couldn't believe I wasn't going to do the podcast. I don't know why.

I'm fine. I just feel a little fucked up. Because most people would take like a week off. They'd be in bed. You'd be eating soup on a tray. I didn't do much. I can't lie to nobody. I wrote.

I made a lot of notes. I threw away a couple notebooks that I didn't want any more. That would just shit. That I was looking at too much. That's it. I didn't want to. I had this plan, guys. I was really looking forward to this.

I didn't give a fuck about USC 200. I didn't give a fuck about the festivities. I didn't give a fuck about nothing. I wanted to go back and have this done with because I knew from here I could go the direction I really wanted to go into. My next 90 days are spoken for. It starts August 6th at a Cherokee casino

in motherfucking Oklahoma City myself and my main man Steve fucking Simone. Then I go to Denner to the Smokpot for four days. Then I go on fucking whatever tour. Then you and I go to Austin. Then I go to New York. Then I go to Columbus. and then you and I go to Chicago

with fucking Timmy Holloway. Oh, Timmy's coming? Timmy's coming. We taped a special. That's going to be fun. Then I go to Vegas, which you're not allowed in Vegas. I think they banned you.

You and Cheryl Crow are not allowed in Vegas. And then I got fucking boss in the Wilbur Theater. You're coming with me to that. That's it. That will be fun. And we're going to Portland. That's it. Nice.

The Wilbur. It's a... Holt the fuck I just had something. God damn. It's a... Oh, that talk with Dynabye. Did it like about getting your body right? Is that what motivated all this?

No, I knew I had to do that. I knew I had to do all these things. I mean, I don't want to, listen, I'm a fat fuck, but I don't want to be a sloppy fat fuck on this special. You know, I hope that this and, you know, being able to breathe better in Jiu-Jitsu and all this stuff makes me go into the advanced class and work a little harder. You know, I hope from here I have a plan.

A man without a plan is not a man. I have a plan from here. I don't know if it starts Friday I don't know if it starts Monday It started already Who the fucking Mike kid But I'm playing it to how I wanted to do it I don't want to do all the material

On the road They shoot the special And people already saw all this fucking material So I gotta write a little extra I got it covered Trust me I'm telling you I'm thinking way ahead of the game From here we move on with Gordon

To the book I never even thought about that Myself and Shane And oh please myself and Shane We're doing the fucking thing I have a thousand iron and a fire I have all the week of work that I want to the end of the year. I'm probably not going to go out in January to a month with the King weekend.

You know, I got this all planned out the next couple months. And this is what I have to do, take it to the level that we need to. Whether it's the podcast, stand up, selling something, writing something, whatever the fuck. I really want to go over to the writing side of it. I'm still, it's like when I told you that I'm still scared to go into the door full. Right now I'm still a little scared to go in to the front. fucking door full. But you know what?

Even when I got home for the surge, I wrote a paragraph. I've been training myself to write something every day. I write my little morning eulogy. But then the afternoon, I make some notes on the comedy thing. And then I also go and write the book

on litlift.com. So I always had a chapter. I erase a sentence. I'm doing something every fucking day. Ten years ago, I wasn't doing nothing but snort and smoking coke. I'm waking up and going to the store and telling fucking Coke stories

or whatever the fuck I was doing. so at least now I'm working towards a goal. Right, absolutely. And that's, I guess what you said earlier, well, that, like, it's been, it was tough. It took me two, like, two years of course. I was in shock because I was in shock because I thought that, I didn't know what to think.

You know, I've always, because I didn't have a normal college education, I've always put a lot of value on the American College education to take kids from A to Z, and it really doesn't do that. No. It throws a bunch of classes on you, and they put you together with a bunch of other kids that don't know what they're doing. God bless them. They just don't know.

You know, it's a few kids that have to work, they have to maintain a few hours that will take you down in a fucking cave and go, oh, no, fuck selling shoes. Fuck working at the movie theater. Let's go sell insurance on the, phone at night from 7 to 10. And all of a sudden, here you are with this guy doing something completely fucking different. And by selling insurance, the guy gives you a log sheet.

Okay? And he makes you right. All the people you call, the result, what time, and where you spoke to. You follow me? Just that right there alone opens your mind. It's like smoking joint. Just the act of... Right.

Because right now, if I go somewhere, if I go into fucking Johnny's... Johnny's pencils tonight. And I get hired. He's going to give me a script. And he's going to say hi. My name is Joey Diaz. How are you tonight, sir? I'm fine.

Listen, listen. I'm not going to take much of your time. Johnny's pencils. We use fucking pencils from American trees. Never been pissed on. We do them right here in American fucking Woody Creek, Colorado. Do me a favor. Buy three boxes of pencils, whatever.

You just keep saying it. You know, it's funny. If you get off the phone with that guy and he says to you, listen, I don't want to buy no pencils from my house, but can you call me? in the morning at my job, let's say. He goes, I could probably use your services. This is all hypothetical.

You know, if you don't write that information right, you're going to lose it. So when people tell you the log shit in, you don't do it right, you get pissed because now you don't know what your second call is. So you learn to go, okay, July 13, 2016, 1015 a.m., Lee Syatt, result, spoke to Lee, said he has to speak to his wife, and he'll get back to me. my action, I'll call him on the 15th to check up. Even though he told me he's going to call me, I'll call him to check on him. What was his mood?

His mood, he sounded like he wants to buy, whatever. You know, just getting those organizational skills right there. Took it to the next level. Took it to the next level because now it teaches you what to do for other things. It teaches you what to do for other things. you know, when you go to a sales force twice a week, maybe every day you got a sales meeting. They're fucking dumb, but they focus you. They tell you what the goals are for the day.

And they focus you. That's what a sales meeting is supposed to do at 8th or in the morning. Let's talk about what the issues are today. What's going to take for you to fucking sell a fucking account to that? Well, I don't know. I've been talking to this guy. What has he been saying? And now you, oh, you know, because it's,

It's what he's saying. It's so many. Because you think you're doing the job. You're calling them. You're writing something down maybe. But it's... The more thorough you are, the more knowledge you have. You don't learn that until you're not thorough and you fuck up.

Yeah, and it fucks you over. And you lose an account. See, your biggest lessons are when you lose money late. You remember those lessons for the rest of your life. It's not when you... It's when I said, you leave what happened with the fucking account? And you say to me, well, I haven't heard from them. I pick up the phone.

I go, how you doing, T.J. Max, here. Joe D. is here? You've been speaking to my associate, Lee, Syatt. Is that me? Out of my nose. I'm really sorry. You've been talking to my associate, Lisa,ette, blah, blah, blah, blah. And once I get him to sell, guess what?

I'm taking 50% of that fucking account. You just lost $2,000. Guess what? You'll never make that mistake again. No, yeah. You can't. Especially when you think you're doing the right thing. It's like, okay, I'm doing it.

who are doing and then 10 minutes later I called him and then I made the sale. You're like what the fuck? I never understood and you're learning it now and Paul is learning it but I never understood what I call you on a Friday you'd be watching TV during business hours

yeah that's big tabo there's no TV during business hours you want to eat a sandwich and watch the 12 o'clock news to look at traffic to go to Ontario that's one thing but you're going to watch nine TV shows on daytime, you can't do that.

In my world, when there's money to be made, you've got to be making that money. If those lights are on, you've got to be making that money. You can watch TV at night, don't it? There's no TV in the daytime. There's no TV in the daytime. And I didn't learn that. You know, if I had a mommy, they'd be TV in the daytime. But when I lost my mommy, I realized there's no TV in the daytime.

But I also realized, you know, years later, I understood that no TV. TV in the daytime means you're working. I don't give a fuck. Go to the corner, dog. Go to the corner. They've got to be working on the corner. What do you mean? I don't know. Maybe some guy shining his fucking shoes and you step over and say, give me a corner, let me shine the one shoe.

But anything happens better than watching TV. It just sets you into it. That's why they play all those community college fucking ads. Because that couch, I sit there this week. I sat there this week and watched news and scrolled and said, What the fuck do people watch in the daytime? Netflix. It's amazing.

Because there's nothing on TV. 600 fucking channels, nothing on TV. You know, Boston Law, you know, stupid fucking reality TV. I don't know what the fuck you're watching. But I do know that I remember years later, like when I was snowing coconut hotel, I'd be on open. I'd be watching TV and I go, this is how they suck people in. And they start throwing those college things. They're throwing those college things here because people sell on the couch.

They're confused. I don't even know where to fuck this start. That's your perfect fucking advertising is nine to three. Yeah, it's all college. Go and get your GED. Yeah, GED, your skills. I mean, go to TNT. You can watch that.

Listen, when I watch, fuck, when I'm in a hotel room, and I do radio on Friday, and I'm back in the hotel room by nine, I'm the happiest you ever see Joe Diaz. Because I'm full, I'm stone, and I'm going to go upstairs, take an app. But I'm going to fall asleep when I'm watching Gangland. And that just makes me very fucking happy. Even while you're watching Gangland, one of every fucking three commercials

is about going back to school, learning how to drive a truck, learning how to work on a motorcycle, learning how to install the stereo. You know what I'm saying? No, it is. And that's, I think it's, because what took me a couple,

because when I first, when you first start working, not at the office, I had been working since I was 16, and I feel like I just, I don't think I needed it needed a break necessarily but I just gave myself one

it's like okay I don't really I don't have a podcast today I'll just take today off I won't go to the gym You say to me oh I'm sitting at home working with Paula here I go no you're not working You're sitting there and every three minutes she's sending your text

showing you a picture of a fat chicken Africa eating a pizza something like that Just how she does here When you're sitting there getting 22 text messages can't work at the house I love when Terry my wife leaves and I have to work because I know I get silence for an hour

but if I'm trying to work and my wife is home every 18 minutes she's like a parrot you could count on it she's going to come into the room and ask me something that's going to throw me off fucking completely why you're doing that bung and let me get some shoutouts to some fucking savages out here

Carl Hutchrider Savino Stallone Paul Ireland Art Pone James Maldonado Donovan Sal Sarulo Lady J Philip Coy My girl Uki

And waterbox are looking good These fucking days Bunch of you motherfuckers are looking good And don't forget Next Thursday I start my fucking no Expectation tour At Flappers It's the 21st

At 8 o'clock at the Yuhu Room 50 seats Nice and intimate You get the wings get the blue cheese, you go home, you give your wife a stabbing, I got it again on 8-4, then August 6th, I'm at the Cherokee

Casino in Oklahoma, wherever the fuck that is, and then myself and the Agostino, I'm going to be doing the Dark Horse Tavit starting on July 26 on Tuesday nights. That's another hour I get to work on fucking stupid fuck. What'd you do? Do another one there. You'll even be

another one, okay. Sure, you can't walk on one leg, you know what I'm saying? I think I'm hosting. one of those with the Agassino for his birthday. Are you? I don't know. He asked me. It should be fun. Take a couple of stars and see what happens.

You know, as you guys know, I posted it, and Lee and I went to his house. Carmine got buried tomorrow when he gets buried. And today they called me, and they said the fucking reception was Andy. That's so sad. What kind of bonnet is that?

I don't know. I'm trying to have to cough and die on this podcast. Let's go. You got to hit it hard. Let's go. You're doing these half a fucking. fruit cake hits again when I'm not watching what are you talking about food cake kids put the pound put the bottom down rest it let's go rest it let it get some man rest it there you go okay

because you're moving around too much I could see that thing falling too much go ahead spark that soldier you told me put it down no no spark it I thought you were on the table oh take it from the table go ahead leave don't worry about I thought you were doing something different hit that fucking soldier there you go again you fucked it up you got to hit it slow You got to hit that. One more. One more for the Marines. See, that's a pussy hit.

Again, you're fucking it up. Not everyone could take hits like you. No, you were doing them good before. You know what to do. Leave the pipe over. Let it burn, sucking and slow. Stick your finger in the thing. Stick your finger in it, move it around a little bit.

The weed. There you go. There you go. Now, hit that soldier, Jack. It's nice and slow. Now you, now you filled, you clogged up the hole. You fell, a little fucking horse with the finger. Give me that fucking thing.

That was terrible too. This is how you need to head. This is how you need to head. All right. For the last fucking time, 26 years old, four years in college, don't know how to hit a fucking... I'm a bonging in class.

That's what you're doing college. You learn how to smoke fucking bums, okay? Not at art school. First off, you clean this shit out of here. You don't want to get somebody's T. T.HC. breath and your fucking breath, all that T.HC germs and your germs. You clean this out.

You get yourself to fuck. fucking blue cookies. You put it like this. Lear-Zee. You see what my fucked up nose and the antibiotics? How does your nose affect you packing a bone? Because then you take this motherfucker.

It's a slow death. Let's pretend you have an ant. You don't want to burn them to death. You just want to put the light close to me. Something like that. So you like this thing very, watch. My lips like a trombone player.

You don't need to be a fucking genius. to do this, okay? Sorry about this, people. I told you. You want me to do the podcast? I'm going to have leakage. What do you want me to do? At least I'm not leaking on your fucking head.

Ready, nice and slow. Absolutely. Lighter A. Lighter A. Whoa. I don't have that much breath. You okay? That's Dr. Belize breathing. Right there.

How we got to finish. You see what I'm saying? It was a slow torture move. Did you see it? No genius. I'm no better than you. We put our legs on one pants other time. Now you've got to do it again.

Slow. You say slow, but how do you have that much breath? You got to plant it. You got to suck slowly. Not like a gorilla, slowly to get the smoke activated. Then you're stuck on it. Then you finish it off like a fucking savage. You see what I'm saying?

Come over here. Sit next to Uncle Joey. I'm going to take you to the next level with bonnets. Okay, for tonight. You're going to spill a little blood. But that's okay. That means you're doing the right fucking job. fucking Joe. If you don't spill little blood after Joey Diaz's bomb hits of debt seminar,

that's what I'm going to. I'm going to start doing a bonk fucking seminar. You need to. That's crazy. Hold on to the bump. You're going to hold on to this, okay? This is loose. This is like a trump bump. You see that?

Hold on to that. All right. All right. Hold on to that. Don't drop nothing. Okay. Where's your control hand? On the trombone.

Okay. Right there. No. What's that? Okay. What's that? What's that? What are you hitting?

No, don't. Okay. All right. Ready? Nice and slow. You're just sucking on her clip. Now, kill it. You know what I'm saying?

Okay. You're a fucking soldier. A fortune and shit, cuck, sucker. What can I tell you guys? I had surgery this week. It was a whole hum fucking week for me. But at least we got a chance to hang out. We did some fucking periscope.

today you know I don't know what I do without you guys like I said if it wasn't for you guys I wouldn't even a shut up for the fucking surge I can't lie to you I would have backed out because I was really scared of this this one I've been stressing me out for a fucking couple weeks but thanks to you guys uh you know it's times I that's times I bump into you in the road and you pull me aside when I'm on you creep me out with the fucking if it wasn't for you Joey I would have never had a job well now I'm telling you guys I'm creeping you up Thank you very much for keeping me in check. Thank you very much for when I have to go to Jiu-Jitsu, I go.

Thank you very much when I have to eat a little better, you know. Thank you very much for making me listen to better music. Thank you very much for making me fucking want to write for you guys and be a good comedian. Thank you. I owe a lot of this shit to you guys and to Lee. But that's, I've just been watching you for the last 90 days. And I've seen how you figured it out. tell you what to do?

Because I don't know what you're trying to do. But that's the thing. I don't think I do either. You follow me? So. But I'm making strides. I'm seeing things. You know what? It's actually kind of helpful. I'm seeing things I don't want to do. I'm seeing things. I tend to look at the world now through your eyes just because we talk six times a day.

And, and I see, sometimes I'll do something for someone. And I'm like, oh, yeah. That took way too much. time for the amount of money I got. So I shouldn't do that again. So it's, it used to kind of freak me out that I didn't really know where my life was going. And it still has a little bit, but it does make it a little bit better when you can, okay, not that way. So eventually I'll find the right one. The hope. That's hope. Again, nothing happens on the couch. Yeah. I explained to you that there was so much opportunity in this. You know, you were the one that told me,

Somebody, Larry, told me that we're three episodes away from 400 episodes. Yeah. How many producers do you really think at all these other podcast stations have really done 400 episodes? And I'm not talking about sitting there and listening to Two Comics Talk. I'm talking about being a part of it. Think about the microphones, the cameras, how you want to do this, you know, how we put them out. You have real experience. you never thought this was an experienced job.

This is becoming now a job that people are going to start buying podcast networks and going to, we don't know what the fuck we're doing. We just know there's good money or there's not good money in it or it's a good entertainment or whatever. And they're going to look for a guy like you that's been in the trenches. You're a Vietnam vet. This is what we did from day one. You were with me that morning and six in the morning. And where my baby has a crib now looking across from each other.

Yeah. Talking out fucking fat man alert. 400 fucking episodes. So there's something that you know about this. And I explain to you that the more, more we do this and the more more this thought process catches on, that like I've always said from day one, if I was a fucking plumber, I'd have a podcast.

If I was a fucking artist, I'd have a podcast. If I painted murals and then, whatever the fuck I did, I'd have a podcast to Get what I'm doing out there Two times faster These people are going to need to go somewhere If they want to start a podcast And this is where you come in

You could provide 22 different services From the fucking setting it up to sitting there We're just telling you what equipment to fucking buy And you know You listen to them and what they want to do You talk them off the ceiling Because most people want to do I want a production of Greece

I want people to come in and sing and dance In between the podcast That's not going to work. You know, you have to break it down for them. Some people don't listen to you, and they do it, and they realize it themselves. There's something that we've done here from a grassroots, whatever, it's us. It's not a radio station. We don't work for a radio station.

No, there's no one else here. Right now, somebody's listening to it's going to join. What the fuck are you talking about? We don't work for a radio station. We just were two fat fucks that decided to get together twice a week at 6 a.m. Who does that? I had no plan. I had no training in this at all.

No, me neither. What do you think? I've done the ones with Felicia. I knew nothing. I did five or six of them with Joe. I wasn't, at first I didn't like them when Joe did them. We would go up and just sit around and talk. I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

And this is what it became. It's fucking surreal. It's surreal that you're going to have 400 episodes under your fucking belt just like that. Yeah. And that doesn't usually just sticking together. Yeah. your experience is valuable now. Now people are like, well, I should do a podcast.

Well, it's too late now to shoot yourself. No, there's tons of opportunity out there. You just got to switch it around. You're not going to go into the comedy podcast. Now you're going to die. You're going to go into health or fitness or fucking pizza making or cooking. What the fuck you're in? And I think it's pretty cool because what I've been saying for a while is that I think

it's sort of like when people go to see comedians and they get mad that someone's dirty because they didn't do the research. when you say podcasts people think this people think of a conversation and it absolutely can be that and that's a great podcast but now there's room for so much more there's room for for scripted things on podcast there's rooms there's people doing improv stuff on podcasts there's people doing this like the new york city crime reported there's so many different avenues for this to go down and i feel like a lot of people the conversation's great but Too many people want to do that. They want to be Mark Marin and do an hour interview when there's no need. Like, there's no, they're trying to fit into something that is already filled. So do what you are to do good at. What I like about us is that we feel it out every week.

Every week is fucking different. Like tonight, you know what? I didn't feel like a guest and I wanted to come out and talk to people about the surgery. What's going on with the special? Something fucked up happened today. I was walking out of the bedroom and my wife was crying. crying in the bedroom in the bathroom. My wife's been a little upset lately because they told us she had a high blood pressure.

She's been doing that yoga 25 days and she went and the doctor said to her two weeks ago. And my wife's letting it go away with her for no reason. I go, listen, don't worry about it. Maybe that day you had salty fucking food. You don't fucking know. So she says she was crying. I go, what are you upset about it? And she goes, you know, your friends back home really love you.

And they go, well, I have. We just say something like that. She goes, because you wrote something, and then I wrote something for Carmine Balzano, and then his son wrote something. And then Bobby Bender clicked on to what they really touched her, you know? I don't know. I drove around with her, and I wrote,

she went back to the doctor for her. She got the flu now, and then she came back. And I thought about what she said, you know, and it was like, this whole Carbondie thing has made me think, you know. He was one of the biggest people I let down. Like, I fucking guys, you have no idea. In 82, I don't think Columbine was even talking to me. Like, it was well documented.

Don't let Carmine see it. He was just mad at you? He was just really, you know, I let him down. I had let a lot of those people down downtown. I was real shit, man, when I left Colorado, when I left for Colorado in 85. I had burnt a lot of people. when I was a real shit, you know, and I didn't know where I stood with half these people. I just knew that they had heard bad things about me, and I was finished in their eyes.

And I remember coming back at 91 and bumping into Veneery. And Veneery goes, you know who always asked me about your clubbite, give them a call. And I was in so much shock. I was in so much fucking shock. And I called him, and I said hello, and he was happy to hear from me, and I apologize. And he goes, it's all forgotten. You know, as far as I'm concerned, you're my son. Just keep in touch with me if you need some call.

And I was telling my wife, you know, that I'm a very lucky guy. Because, again, from one perspective, you look at it and you go, well, he took your mom and your dad in an early age. I couldn't imagine being you. I couldn't imagine what you felt like. You can't imagine what I felt like. But over the years, like you said in the beginning of the podcast, it all worked out. whoever, Buddha, God, whoever, put a different set of family in my world, which is people like Timmy and people like Roger Hollow and people like George,

people like you. We're not blood-related. We're from two different fucking worlds. If we do that DNA test on anarchy.com, we've never crossed paths before. No. But we're brothers. Absolutely. And we've made that decision, and I made that decision with Timmy,

and I made that decision with George and people. Alzano, it's just so weird how I was blessed with the biggest family I could ever have, you know, and down with the podcast, these people, Crystal and these people that we, you know, Larry, you know. Yeah, Larry texted me right before the show. He's the best.

Talking Larry has become family. You know, when I go to Vegas, I can't, I always see two people. Amari Orius and Larry. You know, but this is all from this fucking podcast. We go to Austin, we go to fucking Chewis with Crystal.

And, you know, it's just an oaky spooky. You know, we've taken this into family now. We've created a nationwide family. Worldwide. But I wanted this because this is the concept I always had in my heart. When you become friends, tightness, and you have acquaintances, you have friends, and then you have fucking family. You know what I'm saying?

Again, you have acquaintances. Hi, how are you great? We love that joke. And the meanwhile, they're like, he fucking sucks. Do you have acquaintances? You have friends? people who will talk to you, but they won't bail you out of jail.

You know what I'm saying? Right. There's a lecture year when you call them. Then you have family. And God bless me with a fucking great family. You know, I tell people on the podcast, and I tell people in the Testicle Testaments, these stories about karma and how great it was

when I saw him beat Robson's dad up, or I saw him beat the gym teacher up. That's not what he really meant to me. when he first came into my life, I lived in a home that was, we had a lot of love, but it wasn't really a family house. My mom worked all day,

my stepdad did this day, and I came and went as I pleased. You know, we saw each other at night, or we saw each other for breakfast, and we saw each other on the weekend, but it wasn't your normal thing. And at times I felt bad. Number two, I was a Spanish kid,

this basically fucking racist neighborhood. You know, they all called them spake some shit like that. It didn't bother me. Didn't hurt my feelings all. But how I had been treated before in that neighborhood and how Carmine took me into his home, I had never seen anything like that. I didn't feel like a spick in his house.

All those insecurities went away. Without the drugs, you know, without the bullshit, no money. It was just, he made me feel like family. You're thirsty, cook it yourself for soda. You're hungry, there's cold cuts in the refrigerator. And that went on to be offered to me for years after that, from the holloways and the fucking runnies.

And, you know, it's just been a weird life. But this is what this week, even with the surgery, I've been thinking about it. When somebody dies, you look at your life a little differently. I was upset on Sunday. I cry a little bit. I went to Jiu-Jitsu, and as soon as I thought, tapped and walked off the man, I just broke down.

Really? Yeah, it was the weirdest thing in Jiu-Jit-T. I went to J-Jit-T strats. I saw Damon there with his son. I stretched, I talked to him, I did the fucking warm-up, and then I rolled with some kid, did the class enter, and me and him rolled to about 1.30.

And as I walked off, Matt Paulino, the professor came up to me, and I just broke down. I'm not like one of those people that cries and walks around. And once you get it out, you get it out. And when I start to get sad, I just say a prayer for him, and that's it. But that's what I learned this week.

Again, I realized that sometimes the fucking family you need is right in front of you. And we don't even know it sometimes, you know. What you need is right in front of you. And that's the void he filled for me. It's not about him beating people up, him calling teachers for me. It wasn't about that. I always interpreted it like that. It was about he saved me in a way.

he gave me a little bit of confidence I didn't have at that time. I was faking the confidence I had. But what he gave me at that time was the fucking best. So rest and peace, call my Bousano. Thank you for loving me and treat me like a son. Thank you for doing the documentary. He was great. He was the fucking show.

What do you got this weekend, fuck on? This weekend. Tomorrow I have another podcast. And then that's pretty much it. Today, actually today is my myself and Paul's three-year anniversary. So we're going to go up for that? Tonight? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. What did I be picking? I'm so sorry. No, no, no, no, no. She's starting for the bar. We're doing it this weekend. Huh?

We're doing it this weekend. Oh, so you're not going out today. No, she's starting for the bar. That's, yeah, no. So we'll do that. We're going to go to that place that you don't like the Black House with the Great Burgers, and then we're going to take some stars and go see Secret Life of Pets. At least not taking the fucking try and eat that Korean cat food.

Those Korean pigeons. We haven't been down there in a while. Thank God, because that's where your brother got the gangrene in the beginning. He didn't get gangrene. You took him there, not this time, but not the time before that. The two time before that. And that's when he started getting sick. I saw him in Florida.

He's like, my stomach's been bothering me, and I didn't want to tell him. Lee took you for those fucking things. That's like my last bastion of like the old, like the old Lee. This is my terrible eating habits. But I don't think the dumplings. A dump is bad for you? What are the calories? They're probably not great.

I mean, depending. You didn't them in that fucking sauce. Well, the, the dumpling part is like the steam part probably isn't bad, but pan fried is always the best. Let's get to a serious point. Okay. Three years you've been with this woman. Mm-hmm. What do you think so far?

It's my longest relationship. It's, uh, I don't know. It's really weird. It's weird. I'm turning 28 this month. Why did you give it for a present? I haven't, you know what I have to go get it? I have to go get it.

I have been so busy. I haven't had time to go get a present. What do you want to get that? she's weird and it's tough and please no one doesn't matter um she doesn't really want like the fancy gift like i got her i think the first one i got her was a uh like a sforsky crystal uh she likes it and i got her like a pearl necklace once like not too not the most expensive one but like a hundred bucks or something and like she's won it like once but she loves she likes doing things so I think I think maybe I'll take her even though I'm banned from Vegas she wants to go see

Cirque du Sulae there at one point so I was thinking that I don't know it's uh all my relationships before this never ever got to this point it's uh she's been very supportive where I think a lot of girls especially in this town might not be especially with the schedule and there's P i especially for a lawyer I'm always like she could be with someone who would be making 500 grand a year or easy in Beverly Hills. Like, so it's, it's, uh, it's a, it's a credit to her. But it's, uh, hasn't always been easy, but it's been, it's been great.

It's, uh, I mean, I, looking, looking at you and Terry and, or in anyone who's over 10, 15, 20, 50 years, that's, that's where I start getting a little bit of anxiety. Like we're, we, we, we, yeah, but this are the years that are, you. really important. The first four, the first five, the first six, they're the foundation to the relationship. You know, you've been with it for three years. I've watched your growth.

I've seen you grow as a fucking human being as a man. You know, so I just want to ask you after three years how you fucking felt. I didn't want you to give me a goddamn term paper. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I like it. I don't like it. I'm a little confused.

You know, she's moving in. You're thinking of that. You're thinking of a lot of things, you know, and I'm just really proudly in more ways than one that you've, you know, you've turned this into a business for yourself. You have clients. We just discussed this shit six months ago. You know, you want to go do tattoo conventions, how to talk you out of that. And I'm just happy that three years. Congratulations.

Thank you, man. So you're going to take away? No, we're not going anywhere. I'm just, I was thinking about that. I don't know. I have to sit down the next two days and think about a gift. I'm really good. Get her some glasses.

She's going to need them. Fucking law. Get up some different glasses. Just go to fucking... Whatever, data rate. What's the fucking glass place? Well, that's crafters? Yeah.

Let's give her a gift certificate. She needs new shields. That could work. She doesn't need me. What do you fucking do you think? What's the fucking? I'm here for you. Thank.

First off. As usual, I want to thank out to honor.com. Always there for us this day fucking one. Listen, that's what's been... I've been doing hemp protein shakes. the last fucking three days. Chocolate, all the way through.

That hemp, protein, chocolate, whatever the fuck they call it, I don't know what they, because it's the vanilla assaye. That one's okay. I like that one.

But the chocolate flavor sends me, and all I put in there, the last two days, because I wasn't eating, the first day, I said I put a little teaspoon ice cream. Vanilla ice cream in there.

And that ice cream, you dropped off the other day, they're sensational. Oh, I haven't tried that yet. Don't ever bring ice cream to the house like that again. A sensational ice cream. But to go back, listen, I live on that and stuff, okay?

I trust it 150%. I wonder how it's going to affect me now, the Shroom Tech sport. I wonder how it's going to affect me now with the breathing. I'm fucking more excited than ever. But as usual, you know me. We can't help you out with the weight or the sticks. I can help you out with the supplements. That's the hemp protein, the Shroom Tech, the MCT oil.

Any of that stuff, I'll get you 10% off. Go to honor.com right now. Look at the great selection of nutrients they have. As you're checking out, what do you press? Church. Boom. C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your first order delivered right to your fucking house. Listen, Anit sells itself.

AlphaBrain, you don't like it, 100% money back guarantee. And we don't even want the product back. Nobody does that in the business. Go to honnet.com right now. Again, Lisa, into the beginning, and I'll tell you what. every day I fall in love more and more with the Datsasura bag, with the Datsasura fanny pack. The ghee is sensational.

Don't fit me. I washed it. It feels fucking tremendous. They're t-shirts, the rascards. They got $15 rask cards on the web page. They got specials on there. Go to D.S. Gear right now. Take a look at the fanny pack.

Take a look at the bag they got to take to the gym. You put the water in there, the protein power. Listen, that's a smugglers bag. They got pockets. I've had the bag for two months. Every week I find a new fucking pocket on that bag. Do me a favor. Go look at the great selection of hemp-based gear at D-S-D-S-G-E-A-R.com.

Press in. Joey. Boom. I'm giving you 5% off. That's how easy it is. Listen, thank you very much. I know this was not the most exciting podcast tonight, but thank you for letting me come out here.

and I've sitting in the house and talk some shit. You have no idea how bad my head feels right now. But I wasn't going to blow you motherfuckers off. So thank you very much. I'll see you next Thursday night at Flappers in the Yuhu Room. But I'll see you way before that next week, all right? I might see you Friday afternoon. We might do a podcast Friday afternoon.

So I'll let you guys know tomorrow morning. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great night. Stay black and thank you for being here. This show was brought to you by Datsuzara. Go to DSgear.com and use code word Joey to save 5% on all of their extremely high quality functional gear made with hemtextiles. They have bangs, geese, rashguards, fanny packs, and much, much more. Just go to DSgear.com and use code word Joey to save 5%.

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