The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #400 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 28, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! Thank you for 400 episodes! This podcast is brought to you by:   Indochino - Go to Indochino.com and use code "church" at checkout to get any premium suit for only $399, thats up to 50% off.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 07/27/2016.
  

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Optimization products like StrongBode, Strong Bone, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune and Swim Tech Sport. Oh shit. Oh, shit. Wednesday, the 27th. July. So am I out in the air tonight. Kick that fucking Mulee. Bong hits for Jerry's kids.

Scott Suckus. Church of what's happening now. Oh, Ted Neuford. I got me a rock and roll band It's a fever old It's a fucking free-for-all Cock suckers Uncle Joey here

My main little brother Lee Syatt First off we got to open up An apology I get a call Monday From Lee Syatt About four o'clock That he came over here

And the lights wouldn't turn on And the fucking air was off Some bullshit And he turned on the computer You know Lee confuses me With his jargon. So let me tell you the other side of the fucking story.

Tuesday, Sunday, I have a great weekend with the family. I get off the antibiotics. You know me. I'm free and clear. I'm doing some kettlebells. I'm walking the neighborhood. Sunday morning I go to Jiu-Jit-to 12 o'clock class. Great day.

I breathe. I get beat up. No different than the other day. Monday, I go, let me go back there. I had a meeting on Tuesday. And we had episode 400, Monday. night, we had Esther Koo, and we had dice tonight. So we had the weekend plan.

Everything is beautiful, ready to go. I go to Jiu-Jitsu at 12, and I stay for the mobility class. It's a little hot here, but I'm not blaming it on the heat. During the mobility class, I feel a little bit fucking bots. I feel a little bit... In your stomach or where? My whole body. Like, you ever doing something, your whole body just feels like it just goes...

Zzz. So you shake it off a little bit. I have. I bring a watermelon protein drink, 29 grams of protein. You mix it with 16 ounces of water. Okay. Just to calm me down for a little while, and I drive home. On this particular day, I had drank that already, but I was thirsty as fuck.

So I go to the gas station by Alberto's, and I get a water and some fucking horrible taste in Gatorade. Like, I haven't drank in Gatorade in 20 fucking years. Little sugar. So I just get Gatoray because it's a hot day and that's what people say to do. Oh, yeah. Rehydrate yourself and you have to. Electrolites. First off, if anybody knows anything about anything, you got to pediolite that bitch.

Any hot given fucking day, anything like that, guys. I'm telling you this. I did not know this until 15 fucking years ago. Don't quote me on this shit. But I will tell you how I knew because when I went to shoot the longest yard, the first time Goldberg saw me. Right. That's the first thing.

He said to me the first day when I was running. He goes, I hope you drink and Peter like, yeah, because that's the only one that's going to bring you back. It just has, like, because it's for babies, right? Yeah, so he would give me the grape stuff. Now, at this time, it was his. This is my first encounter with Goldberg. I didn't know wrestling.

I knew nothing. The other guy was big at that time, which I didn't know either. In 1998, 2008, 2000, I don't know nothing about wrestling. I had seen Goldberg on the best damn sport show when I did sketches for them. So I knew nothing about this man. I knew nothing about professional wrestling. When I was a kid, I was a fan of Chief Chase Strongbow and shit like that on Channel 9. On Saturday nights or Sunday mornings, whenever the fuck it came on.

So now I'm on the longest chart. First fucking day of basic training that gets us out there on the field. I'm 400 fucking pounds, maybe 390. It's, I don't know how many feet of elevation. and I'm out there fucking around. And all of a sudden, somebody says, you better give that kid oxygen. I'm huffing and puffing.

I hadn't done a jumping jack in 10 fucking years. I've been snort and blow for 10 years eating fried food, living on fucking comedy club menus. You know, I wasn't taking care of myself at all. And all of a sudden I got to fucking Long's yard. And my blood pressure is high on the set, and they're fucking worried, and they're threatened me.

It's only going to be a four-week contract. So this is the first day and I'm huffing and fucking puffed. And thank God for one of the trainers. He said, do me a favor. Get him on oxygen therapy, which means that they put those two nozzles in your nose. Okay. And you get oxygen like a fucking animal. And then Goldberg came over.

So my face was red during we were doing the rehearses. And he goes, are you drinking? He goes, I don't want you to do this shit. They shouldn't be, you got a buddy double coming in. Don't do this. You're not in this type of shape. which was the truth at the time. I shouldn't have been out there.

I was going to die of a heart attack like those football players. And he gave me a pedi light, and he goes, I want you to do me a favor. All I want you to do while you're hearing the daytime is walk around in circles around around the field. So that's all I did, the first two weeks of shooting, basically. I walked around the field, but back to the story, he gave me pedi light,

and I saw the wrestlers were bringing it in by the gallons. Some of the football players, the other football players are drinking gator, right? Right, I've heard of petiolite when you get sick. Yeah, petiolite when you get sick when you have that type of... So, I don't know dick about dick. I'm driving home, and all of a sudden my body's tightening up. And it's scary when you're driving. Oh, I'm making a left.

I make a right. I get onto Burbank Boulevard. I'm driving home, and I feel that zzz in my body again. I get home, it feels like that. Now, when I was a young, young kid, I used to play basketball all fucking day in Jersey. So between the humidity and being out there all day, all I would do is drink fucking ice teas from the little dairy thing on top of 30-8. They used to be a dairy thing. They're like 50 feet from the basketball courts.

Right. And if you walk to the dairy, they'd sell you those. You were too young. Nests? No. Not even in a bottle tea and in a fucking cardboard container. Like that milk comes in? No way.

Like the kids are missing? This is 1975. Finally, that's how iced tea came. There was only maybe two brands of ice teas. There was Lipton in a can. Okay. Which was not bad. Lipton in a can is not bad if you doped it up.

Again, you got to take it home. Put it over ice, squeeze some lemon on that motherfucker. A little teaspoon of real fucking sugar. Bam! You got yourself a nice iced tea. Did you ever try Ness tea? That's what I said. That was my first introduction to tea.

And that's why I can't drink anything else because that's so sweet. That's what I thought tea was. And it tasted delicious. I was like, oh, tea's delicious. And now I try to eat it. Oh, they give you tea and it tastes like dick. But they got that fucking red tea that's not bad with a little fucking cancer sugar. The blue packages, it's tremendous.

Oh, at Starbucks? I make it at the house. You know, at Starbucks. You can make it anyway. Back to the fucking store, really. So I get home and I got this thing. But when I was about 13, 14, they had to take me to the doctor because my body would stiffen up and I'd shake. And the doctor says, I'm going to, yo.

No. hallucinant. Why are you busting my balls, Lee? I smoke 52 joints today. I'm trying to recover. I think you were knocking on the table. Anyways, I'm sorry. No, I wasn't knock on nothing. My hands on the fucking table. Why would I knock? What am I Johnny fucking, I'm playing blackjack?

So, I fucking get home, and I get this stiff thing, and I'm not hungry at all, guys. And it's about 4 o'clock. Lee calls me with the studio thing, and I go Lee, I'll call you in like two hours. And I tried to lay down,

I couldn't fall asleep. I started getting chills. And I thought something was coming over me. I called Lee back about six. Lee goes, you know what? That nothing's back working. I called Esther, I called us and I go,

Esther, we got no fucking power. You know, forget it. I could tell you three hours or 20 minutes. I don't want to waste your time and make you take an Uber for 40 bucks all the way up here. I love you. I'll see you the next time. And I guess me and Lee were going to do the podcast.

I was going to see how I felt. I had taken like an Advil for pain because I had like a migraine fucking headache and I take that And I kept drinking water I was not hungry at all I didn't put any sugar in my body And I'm sitting there at about fucking 630 I'm talking to my wife I got a hooded sweatshirt on In my living room with jeans a blanket and a fucking pillow on top Meanwhile it's so hot outside that the power went out oh my fucking God I am shaking fucking cold and finally I feel something in my stomach and I walked in the fucking door I open it and I just look head over and I stick my finger down my throat and there it comes out

because I know when it's time to stick your finger down you know you didn't tell me this why do you stick your finger down because why fucking play the game it's sitting there you could feel it unless you're retardant you can't fucking feel it that you have something that's stuck there you're burping it now I'm not burping food I'm burping like an acid, which I don't burp fucking acids. I never burp that shit. That gatorade was horrible. So that was part of the burp also.

You know, I was going to say this the other day. I was wondering if maybe the cold water made you throw up because a couple of times, like, when I've been too high on edibles, if I drink, it makes me throw up. It doesn't make you shiver like that and give you a fucking fee. Oh, no, I know. So I started barfing in the middle of the barf, boom, I fart, and it's pure shit. That guy I had the pants on. The underwear on from fucking Jiu-Jitsu. So I went in the shower, came out.

Now we all know it's official. I'm fucking sick. I call Lee. I say the podcast is off. I'm about to get sicker. I go back outside. Lee, you should have heard it hitting the leaves on the floor. It was like I had a pot of water and just throwing it over.

It was like, ta, ta, ta, ta. I hadn't eaten anything solid all day. I tell you guys, I eat a yogurt. I drink almond milk, smooth. for breakfast. And it's even worse when it's all liquid. I didn't even have a protein shake that day. I had nothing.

I went to Jiu-Jitsu on the fucking whatever because I put a half a banana in it for the carbs. That was it. I went to fucking Jiu-Jitsu. Next thing you know, guys, by 8 o'clock, I was like 101. My wife had the fucking white towels on my head. You know, I tried to lay down.

Then I shit the bed on the way of the bathroom to puke. I shit a little piece on the bed. I'm honest with you. you guys because what are you going to tell you that you know this is how sick i fucking was at nine o'clock at night so i went through one pair of jeans and three pair of shorts but the best was i ran outside and i had shorts on with no underwear on and i pute and a little piece of shit went out of my ass and landed on the porch exactly where i stand x marks the spot where i stand and do the fucking morning periscope i hadn't even known since i went back there at night to puk again

i called my wife outside i go look at this she goes Oh my God, how embarrassing. The next day we had to chisel it off. I called Lee. We had to chisel this fucking thing off. You looked until the next morning? Because what am I'm going to do? I'm sick.

My wife didn't want to fucking see it. I had already shit the bed, shit repair fucking shorts, the toilet. I mean, it was a fucking nightmare Lee. Oh my God. So now I'm up all fucking night, guys. Tremendous.

12 o'clock. I'm sleeping two hour intervals and waking up to shit and puke. Two hour intervals to wake up to go and I either run. to the toilet. Well, I have patience. I hate puking and fucking toilets. You know what, man? How many years I'm going to peep with my poor toilet?

I started my life puking outside in the weeds when I was a drunk kid. Then I went inside the toilets. Now it's been 30 years in toilets. I'm done. I want to puke back outside the jungle where I belong. So I go out to the balcony and I just bark. Listen to me. My neighbor downstairs, the people downstairs have like a bunch of

they got a bunch of like shit hidden. And they got a kid's pool on top of it to protect it from the fucking rain. I puked on that kid's pool maybe 18 times and it's right next to the window. I can't believe she heard. I'm telling you, it's like I was taking pieces at two in the fucking morning. It's like I was taking pieces of the fucking pork chops and putting it together. I'm at, I'm on the podcast, Andrew Dice Clay calling in fucking live. He's going to gonna be at the Coney Island Amphitheater, July

fucking 30th, Jim Florentine, my sister, Eleanor Kerrigan, and fucking wheels, Pirese. If you don't go, I don't want you talking to me ever again. Tell him, Andrew. You're fucking on. Coxucker, tell him.

Asbury, but that's how connected we are. You just happened to fucking call, and I said you were supposed to be on tonight, but things happened. So God bless you. If you don't go the call. He's back in fucking Brooklyn, Cucksuckers. This is big. This is bigger than fucking Hillary Clinton

getting elected. Fuck that little affair. This is Andrew Dice Clay. Coming back a fucking comedy hero. Do you understand me? Most people don't even get a chance to do it fucking a half a time. This guy's coming back with a fucking metal and then some. He's coming back with dead Vietnamese ears

on a fucking chain. Oh, you are so out of your mind. I'm glad I called. Well, you're fucking ready to go. I love that you're in Coney Island. I was puking my brains off. I was sick to death. I had the glasses on.

The diarrhea. I could tell when you said something about Matt Dillon. I was laughing in all my agony. Let me tell you some. I was as sick as a fucking dog that night. What you really? Oh, puking. I was just telling them on the show.

Why? I had to cancel the show Monday night. First time ever. Oh, no, no. Now I'm still a little queasy. I haven't barred to shit myself today. So we're halfway there, but by tomorrow I'll be fine. I'll be back to 100%. Oh, Philly was great. Philadelphia is always the fucking, amen.

You fucking started it for me. So first of all, thank you. And no, no, I believe it. I believe it. I love you. I'll call you when I finish here. And, oh, my God, I'm just as stoned as you a Monday night. You took me out of the darkest hole in my life when I saw you fucking do those jokes.

So we move on, my brother. Fuck it. I love you, cocksucker. I'll call you back with all my heart. My all-time favorite, the all-time heavyweight. Saturday night, Coney Island, he's back in Brooklyn. I love you, Andrew. that was crazy guys

that was just pure he just called out of the whim and I just wanted to let you guys know that he's a good dude man and I appreciate his his compliments and his encouragement over the years guys

it's nice that you know I've been getting a lot of emails this week I want to talk to you about this league because it's so fucking important in life and we don't get it we really do not get it and I cannot believe

people who have been following the podcast people who have been emailing with me people who follow comedy in general people who are seeing behind the curtain email me this week that listen I've done some fucked up shit on the show you know we've gotten emails about you getting farts in the face and you know things that I've said or

people disagree. But this week, I looked at the emails one day, and they were astronomical for like a one day. It was like 18 one day. Jesus. Then it was like 13 the other on Gmail. So I can't imagine, this is church Gmail. I can't imagine what's on Beauty and the Beast Gmail. You know, some emails were about addiction.

This, do you know what these were about? That I can't fucking believe that they didn't put you all over the oddball festival. I mean, people like questioning me, like what the fuck was wrong with me? Why did I agree that they didn't even black out my name? You know? And I couldn't believe it. I answered the emails back as honestly as I could be. I was not angry at nobody.

I did not attack anybody. Not nothing like this. The emails were basically, I had to take my time for this. And this was the morning after, no, this was the morning before I went to, Jiu-Jitsu. Okay. The Sunday morning. I looked at the computer, and that's when I got the 12 morning.

I go, what the fuck is this? And people like, hey, man, I can't believe that you're only hosting at the oddball festival. And it was like people trying to make me feel bad about taking a job that maybe, I don't know, maybe I'm overqualified for? I don't fucking know. I get a call and they asked me if I'm interested in doing the oddball fest. My agent says I wouldn't do it for that price, but maybe I can get you this price. Would you be interested?

And I go, if you think that's whatever you think is fair, I'll do. You're my agent. He went back and he got me a little bit more. He didn't get me the magical number, but he got me different props, and that helped. So I thought about it at first, guys. I'm a fucking old man, guys. It's five fucking days of traveling. You know, it's roughing it up.

I haven't roughed it up in 10 years, Lee. You know what I'm saying? I've been doing comedy very avant-garde. Same city for the whole weekend. Yeah, you know, I haven't roughed it up in 15 fucking years. You know, when you do Tuesday and Wednesday somewhere, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, somewhere, and then Sunday, eight hours out of that fucking town. So I agreed to it.

I said, sure, I'll do it. It's, to me, it was a good lineup. I knew it was Gabriel. I knew it was Sebastian. I know it's Tom Segora. I think it's Burke Kreischer. I know it's the girl that's been on the podcast that you like a lot, that we both like a lot, the writer, Saratiana.

Oh, right, absolutely. So I got a nice lineup. Why would I beat the guy? I couldn't believe I had to break this down to people that for once in my life, I get to work with my friends. Not only that, Gabe invited me on his bus, so I just saved on plane tickets in between the three fucking cities. I'm going to take the red eye with them.

They're going to pick us up. take us to the hotel, sleep all day, and then we leave Friday morning for Tampa on the bus. We get there about 11 or 12. We spend the day in Tampa. We do Tampa. We get on the fucking bus and drive all fucking night. We get to Indy, get on the bus, whatever,

and then we fly out of Indianapolis. Now, I'm pretty honored to fucking do that, guys. You know why? Because nobody's ever invited me to dick. Yeah, it must feel great And then you've spoken before About like people not taking I don't want that kind of job

This is a great tour That Who knows? Maybe you are overqualified Technically to host But hosting They get to see you all night They only see each comic for like 15 minutes

You're gonna go up there Five six times They're gonna see you all night Yeah And 10 after the intermission and then bring them up. Yeah, but yeah, and then you're going to joke around with them. It's Brody did it.

I went up the only oddball I ever went to in Irvine. And Paul and I still talk. And I told Brody on the podcast, I said, you were out of that big headliner names. We still talk about Brody because you come out. You're interacting with them. It's going to be fun. You're going to really like that. No, I love all that shit.

So fuck them. But I couldn't believe people were angry at me for hosting. Like, you should have fucking. headline. They were actually attacking some people on Twitter. Oh, Jesus. Like, fuck you, you know. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, guys, I made the decision because I thought it was just nice enough that they thought of me. The guys that picked those tours, they have so many people to deal with. I don't know what happened. I heard rumors in the beginning that they had all these big names. So something must have happened. They called me, they asked, and I took the fucking job. Now, in my world, I could have been Joe bananas and said, fuck you, give me a co-headlining spot and give me this type of money and I'll do the show. And they would have responded, maybe no, maybe yes. But you know what, man? For me, these fucking 17 years out here, for 12 of those years, nobody talked to me.

Nobody talked to me. Yeah, Adam Sandler put me in movies and fucking Ramey and shit like that. But comically, nobody fucking talked to me. And I got to tell you something, if you listen to those first couple of CDs, you wouldn't talk to me either. So I can't blame it either on that, too. But this is a journey. This is why it's good to get those CDs and go, wow, that's what happens if you stick life out sometimes. But in my world, I'd never been invited to Montreal.

I'd never been invited to all the fucking festivals. How many comedy festivals they have every weekly? 22 of them. Yeah. When do they call Uncle Joey for a fucking festival? Not that I would go because I'm busy with other things and shit. No, but it's nice to be invited. No, it's like today.

Listen, man, I always get put in these fucking predicaments. There's this thing going on in my hometown. Okay? Okay. He died on 9-11. I never knew the young man. But everybody says he's a sweetheart of a kid and it was a fucking shame. And listen, everybody who died on 9-11,

It's a fucking shame. But that's not what this is about. They always hit me up in August, and they always say, hey, just in case, if you're going to be in the area, drop in and do the fucking benefit. And every year, I say to them, no, I'm not going to be in the fucking area. And every year, this is going on for six years now, seven years.

Hey, if you're going to be in the area, why don't you drop by? Because I don't live in the fucking area. Yeah, I live 3,000 miles away. So today, Carlos Neri, one of my closest friends in the fucking world. Closest friends from fucking fifth grade, him and his brother, Sergio. He sends me a note again because we've been talking a lot lately. I mean, he was my Limeone's mother. Eileen Woonie was a kid.

We went to a girl who went to school with my freshman years. She was a little older than me. Not the best looking girl in the world, but the personality of a fucking star. And you know what? She always had boyfriends and shit like that. And one night she went out with this jealous dude. She was dating his jealous dude, and she went out with another dude. And after the dude dropped her off, the dude came and shot her and killed her.

And it was a shame. The town was really sad. She was a good lady. She left the little boy. So it was her mother who contacted Carlos. And I said, I said, listen, tell Mrs. Mooney. I loved Eileen. That was her name, Eileen Mooney.

But say, look, let me break it down to you. Again, I'm 50-fucking three. I do two podcasts a week I do this I do this I do this I do this I'm trying to do this I'm trying to do that I just don't live in the neighborhood it's an hour drive to a fucking airport in the park an hour at the airport and a six hour flight and then the same coming fucking back that's 16 hours now

we also have a dilemma of CAA you know I just can't do a gig and advertise it they have to commission it I sign the contract if not they get sued or I get sued or it's a fucking nightmare Which means I just can't walk into a bar and say, hey, I want to do a show here. And this is what, like, let's say, let's say I'm working Gotham. Okay. I have a 90-day cloth. Do you follow me?

For what? Gotham. No, 90 days for what? I can't play in that area. Got it. Now, I would be a fucking idiot to do playing that area because I would lose Gotham. and I have a good relationship with him. So to me, it's more than about the clause.

I have a great relationship with the guy that owns got them. I just spoke to him last week. I just called him to check in. And he called me right back, and we spoke about this or that. Whatever the fuck. You know me, it's Monday. You got to brighten somebody's fucking there. So if I do a benefit, you got to say I'm going to be there

and charge money for the tickets. I don't get any of the money. I don't care about that. What I care about is that CAA wants their commission. You know what I'm saying? They don't care about a benefit. They don't care about benefits of missing legs or people getting blown up in Iran. They don't give a fuck about nothing.

They're Jews, dog. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They want their 10%. So not only that, the guy from New York is going to call CAA and said, me and Joey had a great relationship. I just seen an ad in a fucking paper that Joey's doing a benefit. He's taking money out of my fucking club. Do you see how it works?

So it's more, it's like a gentleman's agreement, man. Why would I bite the fucking hand that feeds? Is it weird that you are like, it's an entertainment as a job? Listen, there's some people I don't give a Frenchman's fuck about. Right. There's some people that I want to go back that don't let the club on fire and drive a truck on it. I don't give a fuck. But there's certain people that I have a great relationship for him.

We've become not even business friends. we've become friends on the side. We talk. It's not really even about the money anymore. It's places I like to work. It's the freedoms they give me and what they let me do and what I do. They give me a job.

I give them a job. We both do it. We shake hands. We get a check. So them and I work. Me and Philly work. Me in Buffalo work. Me in, you know, San Jose work.

Me and the Ponce line in Sacramento. We fucking jive, Jack. Me and the plunge line in San Francisco, I would live in the basement if I could at the San Francisco punchline. We jive. They don't mean a check to me. When I go up there, I'm happy to see the manager. I'm happy to see that waitress. I'm happy to see the waitstaff.

You know, even though the wings are shitty, you know, I eat the fucking wings to talk to the Mexican cook in the back. You know, it's an experience for me. And it's an experience for me. For them, it's one for me. When I go to the Minnesota club, up a business. the mall, he's not there, but he always sends regards and a gift package and he puts a little extra in the fucking check for me. And he leaves me a fucking message on Monday morning.

That means the world to me. He's running three fucking clubs. You understand me? So I jive with that motherfucker. So when you call me and say, you're putting together an all-star fucking lineup and you want me to be on the tour, but I got a shit on this relationship. I can't do it. I can't do it.

because I have a relationship with that guy. He started with me when nobody gave me a shot. He believed in me. Right. You know how many fucking clubs Justin called for me in the beginning? A lot. You know many people gave me chances? Not many.

Not many. People said straight up, fucking no. Now, some of them have called back. And that's okay, because they called back with, head down and a check in their hand. You understand me? You know, I'm a Jew at heart. You follow me?

So don't come to me with a frown and you head down and nothing in your hand. Now you've got to look down and give me a little extra check and say, dog, we're sorry. Somewhere along the line, we misjudged each other. Let's put it behind you. I gave you a little extra. Would that take care of things for a while? Take a look at the number I gave you. Yes.

And you know, I never talked money. To me, it's like, dog, to me, a $200. bonus means the world. Just the word bonus. It's just a bonus. What the fuck? Yeah. What the fuck?

You just sold a thousand drinks. You know the guy that owns the Cleveland room? Okay. One time I went there, he gave me, you know, like, you know, $600 more just because somebody bought champagne. He didn't have to do that. He didn't have to do that. He didn't have to do that.

We can never forget it. Never. Never again. In fact, I kept his email, called him, sent him a Christmas card. You got to send them all across. I said, no, dog. I do comedy clubs the same way I say, I do this shit. When I get out of there, I send a thank you card.

To who? General manager and the staff. Enjoy the stars. Enjoy the Cheapichuze. Enjoy the reefer. That's it. It's the same business as before. I'm still a salesman.

So I still got to take my relationships and fucking. Whatever. When I go there, I tell them my boundaries. They tell me their boundaries and I adhere to them. You know, but if you let me know you're in your corner, I went to a club once in the Chicago area where I felt uncomfortable from A to Z. You're a carpenter. You walk into somebody's fucking house. Okay? First off, I don't want to pay you what you fucking worked. Okay, from the minute you walk in there, they're watching you like you're a fucking thief. I've been with fucking people who I've worked as a carpenter's helper. And I remember going into place. or people treated them like shit him telling me in the truck you know what man I gave these people 120 dollars off because they were my neighbors and look how they fucking

treat me I should have kept on 120 it would have been worth it now they're making me sweep and take out the fucking garbage and whatever so you know what man even at that time when they were fucking robbing me the headline right I went home and made a decision I'll never fucking go there this guy puts an offer for me every fucking year because he never took care of me he was never nice to me he kept judging me, he wouldn't let me come out to music. So it's the same fucking day, Lee. I think it's the thing with anyone.

Anyone who treats you like shit, I love being able to not, I don't necessarily want to treat them like shit. Maybe part of me does. But it's nice just to let them just, like ever since I've been out here, I've had like four or five people from high school email me, either want to get on the TV show I was working on or after this, wanted to go to a show or something. And I don't know.

I was like, I didn't say it, but I was like, yeah, maybe you should like, where were you in high school? Like, why am I now? So, like, why are you now want to call me? So I was like, yeah, fuck you. No, and I like these people. You know, I would, like I told callers, I said, give her my number and tell her to call me in February. I'll tell her what I need. But I'll also tell her what she can and she can't do.

So I'm not, I'm going to go to New York. York in September this year. Okay. But next year, I'm going the week before Thanksgiving. I haven't been to New York, and I went through a long time, and I want to take my family. So February and November's okay. That's a long enough period. Well, no.

If I do it in September, I could do it in November. You know what I'm saying? And nobody has to know. You know, my friend has a bar. My teacher has a bar. He busts my chops all the time when he's going to do comedy. I really can't because he really can't advertise it. He could say he's having a comedy.

show but you really can't advertise. Is that why people can't advertise sometimes? I see like special guest or I never knew that. You know, I work Vegas. I love the South Point Casino, but I also work those things with Joe because he knows those things give me exposure and they bring 10% more people to the shows every time I do it. So it works for all of us.

It's not like I'm doing a show at a bar. charging 10 bucks right and taking money out of his pocket at the south point casino they do a thing called dirty at 1230 every time i go why see you they contact me to do it they don't understand why i don't want to do it because i'm there on a friday night and on a saturday night and then they want you to do a free show on friday night if i do a free show nobody will come to the show on saturday night that was proven the first time i did it second time i did it you know me dog i'm an econ major the second I did it, I left the casino floor at 10 and the next night, Saturday, it was fucking packed.

Then the third time, we shot the special. But if you think about the mathematics on it, that's why I didn't do it. And they get mad at me. I don't do it dirty at 1230. I won't because you want the fucking numbers. So I can't compete with myself. Right. That means I'm compete with myself.

I can't compete with myself. So there's a business part of this that a lot of people don't understand and people get fucking pissed off. like a comedian contacted me that I was dear friends with 20 years ago and now he lives in Texas and he contacted me to do a gig

at like a bar you know in this town that I work pretty much often and I had to hit him back that I couldn't do it because I worked that club and I have a good relationship with them and he proceeded to tell me

how they were thieves this and this and this this and this they did that. Now I know this fucking mutt of a comic and this guy'd robbed a fucking ink out of your pen. I'm saying he's one of those motherfuckers. He'll take your last feather. So, you know, I just said, listen,

I understand how you feel, but I have a business obligation and I can't fucking abide to it. And then he wrote me back again that what the fuck happened to me? Nothing happened to me. I can't do your fucking bar, you know, Club Amazon, you know,

one of those fucking dance halls or some shit with low riders or whatever the fuck that is. I can't fucking do that shit. Don't stab me in those fucking places at this age. So, you know, he couldn't understand that he had to go through my agent. I go, if you want to book me there, you have to go to my fucking agent, man. If not, I just get caused heat. It's just unnecessary heat that I got to take for somebody.

I don't want to take that. So I try to do everything through them now. The only thing I don't do through them is the local rooms around here, and the Chinese restaurant up there. But pretty soon, I can't do that Chinese restaurant because the improv is opening up Oxnard. So do these comedy clubs have, like, territories almost? It's very interesting.

We never talk about this. It's not that they have territories, it's that they have, listen, there's two clubs in Minneapolis. Okay. They have two very popular club. Acme Club, which is a great club. And I'm just throwing out clubs to people. And the Minneapolis Club I worked at the Mall of America.

Guys are a great guy from Canada. There's two clubs there, okay? The one guy's run by a sweetheart, acme, you know what? I showcased there. Let me tell you something. I didn't do bad, but I could tell I wasn't the style of comedy. Was I mad? No, I looked at the lineup and I couldn't see myself on that lineup. All brilliant comics, but not comedians like me, except maybe two of them. All of America, they have more mainstream people, they give more people shots, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah, blah, blah. In Florida, 15 years ago, there was a Miami improv, and there was a club in Davey. Okay, you know, they would get pissed at you in those days. Today, they're partners. But 20 years ago, you had to work one or the other. But to be honest, with you, the people that worked the improv wouldn't really work that show in Clubbing Davy. They would only book Gersh comedians then. So it didn't really fucking matter. Do you understand me? But look at a situation

like Tempe, Arizona right now. Okay, what's going on there? Five comedy clubs. In one city? In one city. Damn. So you've got Levity Live in Phoenix. Okay.

You've got the club, the Coke little, the fucking dude owns. Then you got the Chicago fucking little Hitler dude. He owns a club. And then you got Tempe Improv. You got the House of Comedy, and you got the motherfucking laugh factory. My bad, six comedy clubs in the Feudelagh. Metro fucking area. That's like putting six subway sandwiches in three blocks and giving everybody

fucking five dollars. You understand me? You're going to create fucking chaos that you can't feed six comedy clubs. So you got Paul Rodriguez at one club. The improv, they're no fucking geniuses. Don't put fucking Joe Diaz and Tempe in February and try to put them back in fucking in Phoenix and fucking July if you let them. If you let them, that's what they do.

That's their philosophy, which I will not. I stay at Tempe. You know why? Because I've been going to Tempe since 98. Even though the owner's dead and gone. That creepy died. Guy rest his piece. What's his name?

Fucking, uh, whatever's fucking name is. That creepy dude book me and then 98. RIP. They fucking closed the club. They shot the owner. Their creepy dude died in fucking Chicago. And they closed the club.

The improv brought it back. And now it's open. So they opened up a club in two competing cities. they compete against themselves the improv. You know that, right? With Levity Line. Yeah, so they have Levity Live in the Tempey Improv. Isn't Levity Live huge? Huge. Six hundred seats. You could have the

fucking circus in there. So, and Tempe's not a fucking small place either. No. So you got five comedy clubs in this area, fighting for the same fucking nickel, dodging it out, throwing fucking bullets at themselves. And then you got Buffalo Helium

going to the bank like Tony Montana every fucking week. week. Because it's the only game in town. Because it's the only game in town. You go to Omaha Funnybunk, only game in town. So, but back to your, like, a good relationship. So you're in Phoenix. Let's say you didn't have that relationship with the Tempian prov. Would you just always try to pick one rather than going from each one to each one just so you can maybe each year build a relationship? Like, is that important? I'd rather build a relationship at the same fucking club with people.

Okay. If I know the drinks are good, there's a couple clubs I went there in the last six, eight months, that the food sucked, the green room sucked. They had no respect for comics, but in a fake way. She reminded me of somebody that I didn't like, that I also saw behind the curtain in life that had to do with comedy. And for some reason, I never worked there again. When I was there, that Saturday night for a show, I knew. I knew I was never going back to that club. I'm one of those guys.

And I knew, and I said to myself, the only thing that will make me come back here is when I saw my check. And sure enough, it was lighter than fuck. And I had to come back and look at my contract, and it was a horrible fucking deal. But the fact that she didn't even raise a hand and go, here's a yardstick.

Buy yourself a steak when you get back to fucking L.A., and how the whole situation worked out. Like, I've just seen it a couple times, Lee. I've seen it a couple times, but I've also had the weirdest, I had the weirdest, weirdest, weirdest situation happened this year. Now, last year, you know, there's a lot of comics that don't like the improv chain.

Out of all the fucking people I've had problems with in comedy that didn't like me, one guy grew a relationship with was the guy that first started me the dirty show and bray. Well, guess what? That guy rose in the ranks. So me and him started that room together. He taught me how to fucking do marketing for comedy clubs in a lot of ways.

He said for me to do a certain thing, and I added my twist to it. And that brayer room became successful. That's how all this started with bray, if you really want to get down to it. It was that one time a month in brayer, building that little first 300 people. that would come down and watch Yoshi get fucked up and watch Martin Moreno and watch Ricky Cruz and watch just Johnny Rock and watch just a bunch of fun guys. We would just have a fun fucking time once a fucking month, you know, drive to Bray in the rush, smoked dough. We would cut banana bread and put it in the back. You remember that, right?

I was, I think I came right after this bread. Oh, you taped the CD that. Yeah, yeah. That's where we taped the NCD. Yeah, I mean, you know, we just, that's what. were really solidified. So while we were there, he grew. And he grew again.

And he grew again. Well, you know what? Man, I booked one of his clubs, and I had a cancel because of a movie. Or because of Barron or something. Something happened. I had to cancel. And I went back to next year,

and you know what, man, I went up there for fucking terrible, terrible, terrible money. Now, I could have done two things. I could have raised my hand and canceled it again. or I could have had my agent called back and renegotiate. I thought about the situation for a minute and I go, you know what?

I agreed to this. I canceled. I profited on the movie. Now I got to, what's the line you hate from Pink Floyd? I'll reap what you sell. I got to reap what I saw. So guess what? I went up there and I did good on stage.

I worked as hard as I could. It's Saturday before I got on stage. The manager comes and he goes, hey man, you got a call in the office. And I went to the office and there was that guy from Bray. And he goes, hey, man, I talked to the fucking club and I looked at the numbers. I'm giving you a bonus because you stood up to your deal. Thank you very much.

And I'm going to give you a bonus in all the other clubs for you sticking to your fucking deal. I didn't say it word, Lee. I could have been a scumbag and had him call up and bumped them for what? The extra nickel? The extra 850. And it's so short-sight. It would have been short-sighted. Like you know you agreed to something now you got to do it you were short-sighted you canceled you got to

It's always weird when people ask for money I never wanted like that's It's awkward You know Lee you live and learn and as a business owner You live and fucking learn you know you just uh living and learning I gotta explain something to you I'm I got sick before Dianne called I got sick guys So what happened Tuesday was I didn't sleep all night, Monday night. I fucking, you know, was half in a coma.

Every two hours I'd sleep, I'd have to get up. Underwear change, short change, you know. Meanwhile, I'm smoking dope, though. You know, when you're smoking dope. Always? I was smoking dope to calm me down. It would calm me down. I would be out there sweating profusiously with the warm-up.

Every time I got sickly, I would lose three pounds and just body sweat. Oh, my God. It was fucking horrendous. But what was I talking about? I don't even go fucking talking about it. You were sick on Tuesday. I was sick on Tuesday, and I was supposed to do the Agostinos. What's the name of it?

The Black Horse Tavern, I think. The Black Horse Tavern up in Recita, which he had been working on for like two months, and he put a nice lineup together. Yeah, I was good, too. I called him at lunchtime, and I said, listen, I'm going to go to the doctor to see what the fuck's going on here. I'll call you back after when if I feel better. I promise you, I'll go up there. If not, I go up there next Tuesday, he took it like a man.

But meanwhile, you call me. And you're all excited telling me I'm going out there That that time I'm going to drink a beer And I was happy I'm like fucking look at Lee Hanging out with young kids

Instead of some old fuck Next thing you know I'm looking at my Twitter I'm sitting there shivering You know And in between one of the shivers I look at my Twitter And I see this Diagostino post

It's a picture of me, him And a bunch of other guys But one of the pictures Is Lee Giggling So I said to myself I wonder if Lee's in a gawk there fucking do a raffle. I didn't know what the fuck you were going to do.

I thought they were going to do a raffle or something like that. And the next thing, you know, he calls me back last night. You were like in this euphoric state. And I was a little still fucked up last night. We talked about one or something because I couldn't fall back to sleep last night. I had slipped all fucking day in and out. And then this morning, DiAgostino calls me.

He tells you how you went up on stage with your fucking phone. You had, you wrote jokes. shit. What's getting over you? Well, I had no idea. Okay, I said, so Di Agostino called me like a month ago. I was just saying I'm doing the show now. Jesus Christ. So I'm doing the show now,

and it's your birthday right around the same time. Why don't you come up and just hang out? So I said, okay. He said, maybe you'll come on and host with me. Like, you'll come on and introduce. You'll come on and say hi at the beginning of the show. So then he texted me yesterday. I was like, are you still coming? Because Joey's not feeling. I was like, yeah, I'll come.

He's like, okay. And then he called me or texted me. He was like, so how long do you want to do? Or like, what do you want to do? And I was like, I don't know. And he said, well, if you want to do comedy, you can. So I was like, why not? And I wrote on like three or four premises.

I didn't have jokes written out. And I think I did like two and a half minutes. Steve Simone recorded it audio. So I haven't, even though it was terrible. But I don't know. It was fun. It was a, and, because I, if you remember, because Matt Fultron was there. And Matt Fultrron was on that one live podcast we did down at Long Beach where you got me

fucked up on the way down at Long Beach. So by the time I was introducing people, I was super stone. They were terrible that audience. They were fucking frozen down there. Like, it was like the last time I'd been on stage and that was like bad. So I was nervous and I got a couple giggles. It was, uh, it was an interesting experience. I don't know if I'd ever do it again.

How many people were there? It was full. I would say close to 30 or 40, maybe more. I'm bad at that, though. It looked pretty full. And what did you feel while you were up there? I didn't, like, the first couple times, like, I used to introduce you at the Ice House or stuff like that. I would, I get very nervous and I start talking fast.

Like, I can't catch my breath. My heart starts racing. And from doing the live podcast, and I introduced you at the special. that's kind of gone away a little bit. I was still a little nervous, but it was also kind of nice because I know

there was one person there who tweeted me and I think his name was Eddie who came because he saw it and he was very nice but other than that no one knew me so that was pretty exciting.

Like that's, because everyone asks me even that he's being on the phone last time he was here he told me to do it. I honestly don't think it's what I want to do with my life but I've thought about going to open mics

but I don't want to... Okay. I thought about maybe the ha-ha, but Di Agostino used to work there, and so I couldn't do... I didn't want to go somewhere where someone would know me. So then there's the store,

the improv and the life act, right? That's... I don't ever want to go anywhere where you go. And so I had no idea where to go. So, but now that Di Agostino's doing this every Tuesday, it could be kind of fun. It was, it was, it was,

it was, the, D.Castino said I had good premises, so that was interesting. You know, man, to be really good at something, sometimes you got to be good at a couple things or know about a couple things is what I'm trying to say. Okay. Larry David's a great writer. But every once in a while, he gets a windplay, like 30 days and he goes to the laugh factory. Every night he gets on stage. Excuse me.

I think Greg Garcia has gotten on stage. It's a different, you know, sometimes you do jujitsu and you take a couple of judo classes. and it makes you understand what you're doing a little better. Okay, I see what you're saying. Sometimes you're a karate dude. You know, GSP was an MMA guy and all of a sudden to train, he started going to Pachiosk. Sometimes by learning a different discipline, it makes you learn more of what you know. Right.

You know, when I lived in Colorado, I always noticed how there was always framers. Oh, we just frame houses, you know, this team of guys. I kept working. I worked for an electrician. So the framers would come in, and then I would drill the holes and run some of the wire, and then the fucking sheet rockers would come in, and then as is the ceiling, and then we run the wire and the ceiling for the lights, and then the sheet rockers would seal up, and then we'd come back and do the fixtures,

and then the painters would come and paint. There's a system to everything. Right. Okay. But there was a crew of guys. that would come in and they'd fucking just frame. And I became friends with the foreman. It was a two-man crew.

It was a company, but they had two crews. Okay. And they had worked together for years, and they could come in and frame these houses in a certain amount of time. Yeah, I don't know what the exact stuff was. There were three guys cutting and one guy yelling and fucking, it was a great system.

But I asked them once, why don't you guys bid the block, you know, the dry wall and he goes because you can't you have to you know just do the dry wall and on one of the jobs these guys fucked up a bunch of stuff and I always even as a 19 year old kick because that's how old I was when I was doing that I go these guys would have known and I don't know this conversation's confusing they fucked up it's had to be every 16 inches each piece of wood that's how you know or something and somebody was high and they did the difference of the plywood guys

had to come back and take the plywood off. So I always thought to myself that day, why don't the fucking plywood guys know what the fuck the framers are doing, which that's who called him. But why doesn't everybody know what everybody's doing? Okay. You know what I'm saying? Like, just because you're a carpenter,

doesn't know, doesn't mean you can't know a little bit of fucking plumbing. You know, just to really learn what the fuck. You know, I don't even know if I'm making sense here. I think you are, but I think you're also, well, because, yeah, you have to know, it would be good to know. like, for example, a lot of editors become directors because when they're editing, they're like, oh, I need this shot.

He needs this shot. I need this. So they understand where the other side's coming from. I think, though, it's kind of interesting with the house, though, because it's kind of like an assembly line. Everyone just does their one thing. So, like, you're not telling me to go become, not to quit the podcast and go head deep in the comedy. Listen, but to just... You're 28 years old.

I'm not telling you to do nothing to smoke pot and eat pussy and go to the gym every day. That's all the advice you're going to get from me, whether you're my son or not. You know what I'm saying? All I want you to do is be happy. I want you to be eating some ass every night or three, four nights a week. I want you to lift weights. I want you to write your goals. And I want you to do what the fuck you want to do.

But here you are. Here you are. A young kid, you email me videos, boom, run podcast number 400. Yeah. I've been talking to you lately. Now listen, man, you know, I don't like the whole fat shaming thing. You know, I don't like the fucking fat jamming thing. Because if your friends like it, they'll tell you you're a fat fuck.

Absolutely. Like you can't keep wearing those sandals. Your feet are 400 fucking pounds apiece. You can't keep wearing them. You're scaring fucking people. Boys are not talking to us. You have to say different things. I don't even know what the fuck I'm going with this.

But. We started doing this podcast, and the first couple times you said you didn't even want to talk on the fucking podcast. So now 400 podcasts later, not only are you talking, you're a major contributor in this fucking thing, because I can't sit here and talk to myself because I would lose my mind. So you're a major contributor to this thing. I've told you time and time again. I'm not in business to blow smoke on nobody's ass. I don't like him to blow smoke up my ass. I know exactly what I'm doing.

But right now, you're learning a business. You ever have people, you ever get to, you ever watch TV or you're in your job. There's a motherfucker who yells at you. And he says, I've been doing this for 40 years. And you walk away and call that guy a loser. Let me tell you something, my friend. You know, you can't imagine doing something for 40 fucking years. But I'll tell you what.

I've been doing this for 25. I've been podcasting with you for five. It all mix. It all mixes. It all adds up. It all adds up. So when I yell at you and Dan, I've been doing this for 40 years, it's because, A, 50% of the people would have quit already somewhere along the line and B, I'm the first guy

to bitch of people when you're an actor and all of a sudden I go to an audition, I see you behind the camera. Pisses me off. A lot of couple things piss me off, but then the truth comes out. I'm talking about the people who, I had a friend here in town that he was a fucking TV repair man or whatever the fuck he was, but one day he went to a party, he smoked some dope and he wanted to become a producer. He couldn't wait to say the fucking word producer. He would say the word producer all fucking day long. So for years, he mucked around for no dough being associate producers, which means what?

Pick up garbage, hold the rope, tell that guy to stand there, you know what I'm saying, shit like that. So he would tell everybody he was a fucking producer. I was on the set of the longest yard one day, and I was talking to one of the fucking kids, the kids that did whatever. He was telling me how he started as a one thing for Adam and now he was in charge of all the video you see on the DVD, the footage.

Behind the scenes, yeah. Yeah, that's what he did. He goes, I went from being nothing to sticking it out for five years, editing these videos, and now I run the whole behind the thing. So we were talking one day and I go, let me ask you something. Let's pretend. Let's pretend I have this friend. and I send them in here.

What's the system? And he goes, well, he'd come in, and right now the way this company is moving and growing with the amount of movies we're doing, he'd be holding wires for a year and picking up garbage and opening doors and getting coffees and shit like that. And then you get into the union, I think.

It's tough to get into the union or something like that. Well, I don't know what union it is, but at least you have to have a certain number of, non-union days. Non-union days. To qualify. And then you have to figure out what you want to do and sign up for the appraint. I don't know what the fuck he was telling me, but he goes, listen, bro, a smart little hustler at this company?

Two years, two and a half years, if he's smart, and he knows how to make moves, they'll make a position for him. And he'll make dough. Plus, he learns everything along the way. I went to this guy This fucking associate retard And I said to him Dog I just talked to my friend

His name was Jason at the time I haven't spoken to Jason In fucking 10 years I don't even know if he's still in the business And he said he would hire you And they would hire you for a great salary I mean you're not buying homes And fucking Bel Air

But I think it was like 750 a week It's five days a week And you might be there until midnight But you know You qualify for you You're not doing anything else. Right now you're working every other month as a fucking associate producer doing nothing. That's a life of a PA.

You're absolutely right. Everyone thinks they're going to move out here and be a producer first. And some people are. And that's great. But no, it's not going to pan out. No, no, it's not going to pan out. You're going to be a producer's assistant for a while for like a year. You know what I'm saying?

Coffee. And that's not great either. No. It's a fucking email. Yeah. Yeah, but you're understanding his world before you dive in completely. I agree with that for 90 days. I could take orders and take yellings and beans for 90 days if I got a credit card.

And if I know my uncle's selling fruit and I can fucking part-time him to death. I wouldn't mind to learn the business. I like to get paid. That's fair enough if I'm there. Even if it's $50 a day, at least throw me a half a yard so I could commute and make it happen with a fucking smile on my face. It's not after the 30 a day. That internship for credits, I understand. that. But I like to get paid while I learn what I do. So you have to start from the bottom.

Right. And it's very funny. You mentioned like when you took, when you stuck to your deal, there's been stories the past few years about interns at various big studios. They're like, oh, I think it was like NBC like maybe, like they couldn't go to the bathroom or something. And when before that at SNL was like, oh, we didn't learn anything. We just got coffee. those people, they sued the places that gave them internships, and I guarantee not one of them is working in the business. No one would hire anyone who sued the place that gave you an internship. That's what interns do.

Like, as an intern, I was working nights. Not supposed to work nights as an intern, digitizing tapes. But fuck it, you do whatever you say yes to everything. And it seems like the older you get, or the more experience, you just get to say no to a few more things. That is fucking crazy. That is crazy. That's like, I mean, when I came here, it's like extra work.

Yeah, fuck yeah. It's like extra work. And I got to be honest with you guys, I was an extra one time in the tape in Seattle. And that was in the time on two, what's that show I was on, that they made me an extra when I got there. Oh, um, was it two and a half man?

No, the other one. The fucking other one with the fucking nerds and three chicks. Big Bang Theory, you know. One of those. You know what's funny, man? I was thinking... Oh, two and a half. No, no, how I made your mother.

What is it? How I met your mother. You know what I met your mother? You know what I was thinking about the end of your life? Fuck. You forget about people in your life, man. You really forget about situations in your life. I knew this guy for a long fucking time.

Hello, goodbye. He was always fucking very quiet around me. Every once in a while, he would talk to me about something. but between you and I I knew he wasn't interested in what I had to say you know arrested I disappeared for four weeks and I didn't see him for a while

and eventually you know he found out that was me and the paper he put two and two together he wasn't stupid and I got out of jail I got out of bail and I fucking saw him three days later

and that day he was a little standoffish but then he turned and he called me over and he came over and he asked me what happened and he goes is it true what I read in the paper and I go you know you can't believe what the fuck you read but I was involved in something and he asked me what happened and he asked me what was I going to do and and and blah blah blah blah blah blah and this guy says to me listen I gotta be honest with you you always have a suit on you know I know you're a salesman but your demeanor I would

loved for you to work for me. He goes, for years, I wanted you to come over and sell insurance. I just didn't know how to get your attention. And I go, you fucking see, that's why you look at me all fucking weird all the time. And he goes, I could just tell there was something about you that if a guy could get you selling insurance,

you'd be a good agent or whatever. He goes, I guess that dream went out the window now, you're going to have a felony, what's going to happen to you? And I go, uh, you know, I don't know, I don't know, I'm looking at, you know, 15 fucking years

I don't know he asked me if I was gonna flee I said not at all you know I go nah I don't think so where the fuck am I gonna go and one thing led to another man he would see me and wave and wave

and wave maybe three months later he said to me hey man are you working and I go well I'm kind of working you know I'm working part time here and I'm doing this I was sounding a little coke you know you know me I was never on the straight narrow

I was gonna go at that time I didn't know I was gonna away official and he came up to me one day bro and he goes listen man I don't know if you need the work or not if you want to ever uh clean my insurance office on sundays I could be 200 bucks a week or take you now vacuum take out the trash dust clean off my desk shred the paperwork I said sure for fucking years I did that John Lee I never heard about this yeah because I was just thinking about it the night. The guy's name was Ray. Old Ray.

And on Sunday nights, he would give me the keys to his business, and I'd walk upstairs, not once I'd ever think of robbing or looking at a fucking desk, because the trust was so fucking amazing. My name had just come on the paper for kidnapping fucking somebody.

So you don't want to fuck it up? I couldn't believe this guy was doing this. I'd seen the reaction of 50% of the people I knew. and my name came out in the paper and my and my fucking whatever but I cleaned his office that last Sunday before I got

sentenced that Monday like I fucking cleaned it every Sunday I would go there at 10 in the morning and it would take me an hour I'd take the trash down I'd vacuum the hallway out of respect I'd do it all for the fucking small deuce because what the fuck the guy gave me a shot

that's how much the guy fucking believed in me You have no fucking idea how many people believed in me. This is the universe. Sometimes you don't have family, but sometimes the universe has a certain way of letting you know they believe in you. I got locked up. Two months later, I got a check from him. He hunted how to get a money to me,

and he said he owed me $200. So he put $200 in my book. He never came to visit me. He wrote me one letter. And when I fucking came out of fucking jail, I went over there, and he asked me, you want the keys back you want your job back i saved it for you that's so nice did you take it back fuck yeah every sunday even at the halfway house it would get me out on sundays he vouched for me

he said it would take me four hours it's because i had to take a bus up there it was fucking 10 minutes away on the walk that's amazing i can't imagine you cleaning that's like dog 200 hours to clean the fucking office what pride what fucking pride that's the problem when everybody said everybody's pride that they what they won't do right yeah you know and granted i was doing blow but i also had the ability in those days to make four or five thousand a week selling cars i chose to hustle and i did that it was an i would just get stoned i would get weed on sundays and get out and clean the office with an ip on whatever the fuck a walkman on did you get pretty good at it you seem like you're a lot of pride in one hour dog and then i would do extra things he would hire me to paint the offices

So I would do little fucking things from Not one fucking hassle that I had with that guy When I left Boulder That was only one guy I probably went and I kept in touch with him And then when all the after the earthquake When all the fucking money went up When all the you know the earthquake here in Los Angeles And people moved to Boulder and he

He made money and he fucking sold this house and I lost contact with him But I can't believe that he was like a fucking angel I came out of it. I had another guy in Boulder. There was a fucking old guy that had a kid and a wife. I told you that I dated a girl that lived upstairs, so that's where I got the Rocky apartment downstairs. And then I went to Seattle,

and I paid rent and shit. And one day I called the house to see if they haven't gotten my money order for the rent, and I never heard back from them. And then one day I went to do comedy and one part of Seattle, and I see the son. And he goes, you didn't hear the news? But after you left, My father got diagnosed with cancer.

He got 90 days to live. He goes, they tried to write you a letter, so they put all your stuff in storage for you and paid for a month. We don't know if you lost or not. I was heartbroken. I lost my mother's pictures, the baby's toys. I lost a bunch of shit, because I was going to go back to Boulder and pick up all my stuff

and put it in storage and give away and see the baby. Once he told me that, I was fucking horrified. But that dude had kids and a wife, and he was all. old. And after I dated that girl, when she left, I took the apartment downstairs. Well, me and that guy, I used to come out at night. He'd be out there by himself. And I used to offer him weed. This guy was older than fuckly, and he would take two hits of weed. And every, like, once a week, he would smoke pot with me. And then I started taking him to the movies with me. Like,

what are you going to do? Sit down. Let's go to the movies. So me and him would go to the movies on Monday night. He'd go, man, I do more than we do than what I do with my kids. I always had that. Like, I never understood. people having parents and not getting involved with him. Even you went to 18 movies with your dad. I laughed at you but I loved every minute of it. You were both high. That's what we do, man.

That's what him and I like to do. We just we've gone to movies my entire life. 400 episode motherfuckers and as usual we never forgot. You know what I'm saying? Here you go Lisa. Come over here

to next young Joe. It's time for a fucking, come on Hurry up before the fucking song ends in. While we're still young. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. What's with the breathing heavy? Because I'm already high enough.

No, you're not. You're never high enough, that's the problem of America. Everybody's always high enough. Nobody's high enough. That's why they eat oxy cottons and they... How long does this take leave? For the love of fucking Christ, let's do this. We're going deep. 400 episode. People stealing pills

and their grandmother. Come on. Let's go. Come on. We used to do. Suck that Negro Lee. There you go. Lift that fucking thing. That's Grandpa. Drop that knowledge. Love's company.

There you go. See? Who's better than you? Look at you. What fuck is better than Lee say? There you go. I don't respect for Tony Bennett, cucksucker. Oh, I'm trying to hold it. Oh, my goodness. Here we go.

When I'll discover that revenge is sweet. The truth of the matter is, let me give some shoutouts. Real important one right here to my man Mark Pacheco, it's his birthday today. Happy birthday ball sniffer. My man, Darren Hughes, Jose Colazo, Michael Mosy, beautiful bipolar. My man in Jersey, Joe Kenyon, Joe Ammons Owens, Michael Angelo, Rex Riot, one-by-one podcast, had Hero fucking Junior on smoking it. They're going to be here August fucking 29th. I'll just be getting back on the 30th from the tour.

What else is fucking going on? But, you know, all the motherfuckers that have been with us since day one. Bobby and Crystal, my girl, Uki, getting ready for Austin. They're sending you pictures of barbecue. Oh, my God. I had a town to send you pictures of salads. You ain't doing no fucking barbecue. Are you going to come in line with us?

Huh? You're going to come wait in line with us? Not in a million fucking years. I'm like, fuck, no, dog. Fuck, no. Fuck, no. We'll have to kidnap you and tell you we're taking me someone real close. You know where I'm staying.

And you know where I go to eat nine meals. That's it. I don't go away. I don't stray from my diet. You want to go wait online and bring me back barbecue? Be my guess. But if not, I'm eating fucking gumbo with a fucking crab and avocado salad as usual. Is that Papa Does or Papacitos?

Papa Does. You know how I roll, bitch. If Papa Does had an Airbnb, would you stay at that Airbnb to see it? Upstairs that comes down with a pole like fucking Batman. That's exactly where I would be like a fireman. You know, those poles they come down, just like that. Right as they open at 11 a.m. Right when I opened for two eggs, baynets and a fucking piece of fish, nice.

Red and fish for breakfast. You want to live to your fucking 90? Get yourself a nice reddened fish. Okay. Two egg yolks. Eat fucking two egg yolks and a piece of fish and see what happens to your body. Nice grilled fish, little blacking like Cajun style. You've been trying to get me on this fish.

I can't. I don't understand how the fuck you don't eat fish. It doesn't taste good. Never, not, but you eat tuna from fucking Subway. This is what, you understand what I'm trying to say to? I haven't had tuna in Subway for years. Okay, so at least try something. You don't like salmon.

No. When you eat sushi, what the fuck do you eat? I eat tuna. Okay. And shrimp. And shrimp. Yeah, pretty much. You say I got to live with people.

Tuna and fucking shrimp. What fish have you tried, Lay? that you do not right i've tried everything man it's not what have you tried i've tried cod they you bake cod you put breadcrumbs like it tastes like fucking fish man i don't like i don't know but it's in i uh will talk about it on an episode later but i i just i'm signed up for blue apron and their first couple of meals they're going to send me like they send like three meals a week and like couple, one week has a cod and one week a salmon. So I'll let you know

how I, if I like it now. But in a kid, I didn't like it. All that stuff is how you prepare it. Yeah. You know, I used to have a friend that used to make me a nice piece of fish, a white fish, with a nice texture and he put an aluminum for it with garlic and butter and

lemon. And I couldn't taste the fish, dog. You just got to figure out a way. I like brofish. You know, there's no reason to eat fish if you're going to fucking fry. if you're going to grill it nice, now we've got something to fucking work with. I forget what comic it was.

It might have even been Dane cook, but it was like, you don't like fish. So if you, if you like, it didn't taste like fish, why are you eating it? Just like you eat something else

that you like to taste. But listen, I don't like all fucking fish, Lee. Me either. I don't like all the fishes out in the fucking ocean. I don't like lobster. How sad is that? That's,

that you got to be smacked in the fucking head. A Jew who don't like lobster. You should be shot hung and lit on fire. Fucking, what do you mean? mean you don't like fucking love that's but you had the spicy lobster up at that place that was fucking delicious but that was fried and had spicy sauce but how don't you don't like lobster dipped in butter nope i could see that you eat clams fried and then clam chowder you never put a red

sauce on a clam and suck that motherfucker i've done it a couple times it's like it's what i imagine it's like to swallow like a blowjob it's so it's squiggly it's terrible how do you know it's what i One time, I don't know, I had, no, but my dad worked at legal seasons. And listen, man, some people drove through. I like it. I don't like. You know what I like? Swordfish is pretty good, but that's really, like, meaty. That's, like, pretty steaky.

It's steaky, but it's got black spots on it. And when you eat that black spot, it's like fucking emosive of cod. It's the heart of the fucking fish. Oh, really? Yeah, if you bump into those stains, whatever they call, I don't know exactly what they're called. It's like, I used to eat a lot of that stuff on kebabs. Right. So I take swordfish, cut it, and put it on a kebab with green peppers, onions, bell peppers, and some shrimp.

And I'd marinate it in like a, what's that shit they give you the Japanese restaurant? Soy sauce. No. The other one, the fucking Japanese ones, when they throw fucking knives up in the air and shit. I had a sauce like that. I used to marinate the swordfish overnight. You come home, you put it on the fucking grill. It's all over.

See, half of that stuff is the marination leak. It's like lamb. You ever have lamb? It ain't the best fucking thing in the world. A man is delicious. I don't like it in a lot of ways. Like, I like, I like veal jalapini and shit like that. But lamb is too gaming for Uncle Joey.

Since I was a kid, I'm not big on that last game. I mean jelly a little lamb? No. But growing up, Mrs. Hartman used to take the fucking lamb, cut it into cubes and marinate for two or three. days and then she'd take that lamb and put it on a fucking grill you thought you were eating a cabot you were eating a lamb chunk that was juicy delicious with melting your mouth and I eat 2,000 of them at one fucking time and I didn't give a fuck it was lamb it's how you marinate

that stuff the same thing with fish my wife makes fucking horrible salmon god bless her soul she fucking tries it's a nightmare I eat three pieces I got to throw it away and give it to the cats when she's not looking. The cats are looking at me. Like, we can't even eat this fucking salmon. It's either dry. Then I was buying it from the place already with the marinade on it, and that was even worse.

I talked to my wife about it like a man. I couldn't even eat it, Terry. So she looked at the fucking YouTube. She went, we went over it, and we bought it, and she started buying this garlic butter, and it's completely different now. It's completely different. She marines it a little bit.

She puts it on a fucking grill. It's tremendous. I think fish is marination and how you cook in preparation. I'm down to try it, man. You have this urge to fucking become the chef of the future lately. You bought the fucking kettle pot, the crock pot. It was great. It was great.

No, no, no. I like that. Lee. Dude, I've ate out consistently for years. Beyond that, I had a conversation with Lee that my head almost blew up at one in the morning. The next morning, I realized it that sometimes Lee is just crazy. And you know what, man? Marijuana makes you do some fucking weird shit.

Because when I first invested in those stars, I couldn't stop. That'd been Adam, Brad, Hatter's going crazy for a while. First off, you're eating a piece of fucking pound cake with chocolate chips in it. And eggs and butter. It can't be good for you. That clogs up your fucking arteries. Right. And now you're eating potato chip stuffing fucking, what was I stuffing in my face for a few weeks?

those captains booties. Oh, pirate booty. Pirate booty that belongs to my daughter. My wife would be furious. Those aren't very many calories. Listen, I don't give a fuck. You shouldn't be eating those fucking things. The other night lead to him he got wings from where?

Pizza Hut. No, wait a second. No. Okay, I went to big wings once. I don't like big wings. Okay. I'm sorry. The one, I had an experience that was not good.

There's no Buffalo Wild Wings that close. you one time, your honors, for Exhibit A, one time you had Pizza Hut at your daughter's event, I think, an event. And it was delicious.

She's three. She wanted pizza. When you're three and you want pizza, first of all the pizza is so bad in this fucking town that it doesn't matter. The reason why I got pizza hut is because on Friday at school, they get pizza hot. So,

when she told me she wanted pizza, I got pizza hot. Did I enjoy it? I thought it was fucking garbage. I didn't see you saying it was garbage. Well, I can't hurt her feelings and say this pizza sucks. She doesn't know if you eat all the slices. She eats the cheese. My point taken, that was the only time I ordered to lay because there was a three-year-old

that wanted pizza, and I wanted to get the same pizza they eat at the school. I would never. Well, then I'm a three-year-old at heart. Ever, ever in my wildest imagination. Just because of something embedded in me, when I disrespect who the fuck I am at any level, at any point in my life, even when I was doing eight balls of blow

and I had no respect for myself, would I disrespect myself by eating that fucking pizza and letting people know I gave up on society and I gave up on fucking, I can't do that. Well, that's why I got wing. I think I only had wings. So you just called down there and got six wings. No, I got eight wings, and I picked it up.

Eight wings. You went all the way down there for eight fucking little AIDS infested. I was already there, and they were good. They were big wings. I just can't believe that. You have no idea. You see the workout? He posted today, guys.

I got to be honest with you guys, and I'm not blowing smoke up Lee's ass. Half of you guys that listen to the podcast can not do that workout. He did today. And I know somewhere Lee stopped and breathed heavy. No. But I will tell you, a lot of people can't do that. That's what pisses me off about Lee. It's going the whole time.

That at this age, he puts this much work in to go over there and get yourself eight wings that are not only... I mean, listen, we're all trying to be fucking individuals here in this time of fainness. You know, if you were watching this, guys, I don't give a fuck about a lot of things. I was trying to explain this to my wife. My wife is a gentile. My wife is a fucking Gentile. I don't know, guys. I don't know if it was a retardation.

I don't know if it was a retardation. I don't know what the fuck it is. But when I was a kid, I didn't really care for what society cared about. There was just something, something weird about the media to me growing up. I didn't like how they'd say things. I didn't like how they'd interview people. as a child. I remember going,

what the fuck is that? Interview with somebody. There's a murder outside. You know, like shit like that. I never liked it. I don't know, Lee. I was always a weird kid. It just didn't add up to you.

You know, as when I got old, I didn't like Saturday Night Live. I didn't believe what the fuck, you know, whatever. And I got to tell you something, I really don't give a fuck.

When people come up to me and tell me these things, like, ah, like I'm looking at them. Like, I'm looking at them, like, you have time to give a fuck about. this and I feel like there's a lot of people like that that you know and just sometimes we all do when I went through that divorce that's all I thought about you know I was involved with my daughter and the divorce and my feelings were hurt so all we had to do was talk for three minutes and I would tell you about my anger and how she was a fucking dirty bitch and I get it I get that

I get you coming up to me and being upset because you and Paul to break up I understand Santa. But for you to come up to me and be throwing things because Bernie Sanders gave the delegation to whatever, or there was just so many things that I've seen of bullshit. And you know how I know that bullshit because I know they don't give a fuck. Nothing bothers me more when people really don't give a fuck and they make believe they give a fuck. It's every four to eight years.

You know, brother, if you give a fuck, do me a favor. Go down and live with those fucking projects with them. for a month and get some cops down there and we'll make sure there's no shootings down there we'll make sure we'll let them know bombers in that motherfucker but you would never do that you would always sleep in your bed these politicians they go up there and i saw this as a young child and we've discussed this before that as a young child i saw people just talking they don't give a fuck about you they're just going after you so the night as i was leaving the fucking VP on hillary clinton was talking Spanish.

The worst Spanish you ever heard in your life. Meanwhile, he's got a green fucking Spanish dude that he whips back there once a week. And it hasn't given him a raise in 18 fucking years. Because, you know, it's just like, it just, guys, there's times I want to fucking pack my bags and just move somewhere. Somewhere simple in a fucking jungle

where you got to send me telegrams through a monkey who gives it to a bird. I'm down. Who gives it to you, because this is just, it's become something. and in the middle of all this, you got fucking people chasing people in parking lots, which I didn't know what people were talking about.

Listen, I don't know what people are talking about when they talk about Pokemon. I ain't going to lie to nobody. I have no fucking idea. I don't know nothing. When I was a kid, I think Pokemon was around. You know what?

I'm not interested. But there are fucking parking lots and shit. Parks filled with people, Central Park. Did you see that guy? That guy rammed into a cop car? No one the fucking ISIS is getting stronger. By the fucking day, every day we do something stupid. ISIS gets stronger.

I can't believe we get hacked and we blame it on the fucking Russians. Right away they blame on, all the Russians did it. The Russians did it. Trump paid the Russians to fucking. We live in this fucking, and it's so, oh my God, when people were crying that she got nominated, I'm looking at this going, oh. They just bought it into a little affair.

If you think the Obama fucking purple, what did they give those people to drink in Jonestown? Kool-A. They gave them fucking Kool-A. It wasn't bad enough. Now they're going to get these people hooked on. Listen, I got a daughter.

I got a fucking wife. I was raised by a single mom. I want women to fucking thrive. But Hillary Clinton is the fucking devil incarnate dog. Yeah, she ruined. And there have been other women for other parties nominated. So there's that. And then,

But the even... Poor Bernie Sanders, when he said to her, you could see he was eating. I don't know what they gave that poor guy. I don't know what they gave him. I guess they fucking chiseled them out of votes. The GNC. What's the place you get the vitamins? I don't fucking...

The GNC and the DNC. The DNC fucked them up. Poor Bernie Sanders. Listen, politics is fucking dirty. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. This is going to be in the history books. Fucking filth.

Oh, yeah, it's going to be in the history books because of the filth and... And you know what? It really doesn't matter at the end. We're still going to have to fucking get weapons and protect ourselves. We still got to fucking wake up every goddamn morning and fucking work. You still got to do jumping jacks. You still got to hug your kids. It doesn't really fucking matter.

Not to talk about politics, but what about the people who, for both conventions, watched like the everyday 24-hour day CNN coverage of it and watched all the speeches? I throw my wife out. I tell her, you got to go. You got to go get some son. Today she went to the park and did two laps, came back sweat and shit. She's like, Joey, I ran today because I was too late for yoga.

Yeah, because you got to get out. She'll sit there believing all that shit. I won't let her get involved. She calls her dad and they talk. Those two fucking geniuses back in Tennessee. You know. Let me guess her dad's very pro-Burney. He felt the burn?

I have no fucking idea. I never got involved, dog. I don't even ask. I don't even fucking ask. Do you understand me? I don't know not? That's the rule of the church. You don't know nothing.

You don't want to know nothing. Once they start talking about that, you do that noise. Hold on, I got another call. And you hang up on them. And then they fucking call back. They don't know. I just imagine you doing that to them in person? I do it all the time because they don't have a call waiting.

No, I'm saying like that you're having like. There's times I call my in-laws and then I don't have a call waiting. Right. So I fuck with them from time to time. Sometimes I'm on the phone with them and he starts going off about girl softball and the girl threw a cryout ball. Hold on. Hold on. People, I just hang up on it.

And then my wife calls it back. What happened? I don't know. The phone went dead. I'm there talking to my girl's off on. And him and her get on the phone. I got saved. You know, hi.

I'm dogs. Please. I always have an escape route. Oh, my God. I'm worse than Spider-Man. I always have a fucking escape route. But what do you do? How do you get out of conversation in person?

Because that's what I thought you meant. I thought you were going to say to someone in person, boop. Newton. I got another call. Just walked away. All right. First off, you see somebody coming, you go for the fucking iPhone. You put that phone up there and you put a sad face on like your uncle died.

That's the only way you're going to shake him, dog. Is that like difference, like not as sad as like a parent died, but not as sad as like... They can't be that fucking retarded and talk to you after you drop that bomb on them. They can't be that fucking retarded. They might want to console you, though. Yeah, okay, console me and keep walking. Keep fucking walking. I don't want to talk to no, but I got to make funeral arrangements here.

Keep fucking walking here. What the fuck you want to talk about? I think the worst thing ever done to me was my wife forgot an ingredient in something. She was about to cook. And right before I killed this, she sent me on a mission. This is when we lived on Schrader in Hollywood. It's the worst thing that ever happened to you. Oh, I can't have whatever, whatever.

I'm sitting there. But the problem was this wasn't at Ralph's. I didn't have to go two blocks away. I had to go up to fucking Coenga to the Spanish supermarket. Okay. They have a, what do you call that shit? Deli. A Mexican supermarket on Coenga right before the 101 on the left-hand side.

I think some Arabs bought it. But I used to go there when it was Mexicans. They had the chickens hanging. Nice. They roasted chickens. They had a little Mexican food every day. They had soups. They were working under the radar.

You know what I'm saying? but they had like they made a mistake on coconut water. They were giving you the big, big ones for $1.50 when they were $10.99. I was going in there and buying 10 of them. Those Mexicans didn't know what was going on. I love that you found a good deal. Oh, my God, they didn't know. They would make everybody else had them for like $8.

They were selling them for $1.99. They made a mistake. They thought it was the 16 ounces. They really had like the 32. I was going in there every day and getting two, three of them for fucking $2. peace. Nobody knew. I didn't say nothing. Nobody. I didn't tell nobody about that sale. This was a nice little Spanish market right on Coenga. And they had nice steaks, cheap, nice pork chops. You could go in there and they had fresh meat on a daily. It wasn't a

corporation. You know what I'm saying? It was just a couple of Mexicans. It's the same ones you see up here on Burbank Boulevard. But you get nice meat up there. That one place right there where we drive past all the time on Burbank Boulevard and fucking violent. It's like they have the foes and all that. They got like foe and Chinese cuisine. I would never go in there because they're mixing flags. I go in there and I order a lo-main and they give me four. I got to stab one of those Asians, you understand?

I got to go out of their flaming with fucking knives. So, but next to that place is a Mexican market where they got the goats back there and you get them stabbing animals and chickens. It's as fresh as fuck. They got those soups with the chickens' feet in them. And then I went in there one. time I'm like I gotta bring Lee in here. This is real fucking Bogota

right here. No, you don't. Yeah, you could get the soup and the chicken's feet are in the fucking soup. Can I not get that? Can I order that? No, no. You're gonna, how are you gonna marry that chicken? You never what if they break that at the fucking wedding? They don't take nothing out. No. What do you think? What do you think they're gonna

cook at the wedding in front of your mom? Hopefully a whole bunch of delicious tacos. But anyway, to get back to the fucking conversation when we're talking about. I wish you don't do. comedy. It's dumb for you to do comedy, but I want you to experience it. I wish that one day

what's the day is going to happen. Somebody calls you up and says, do you want to be an extra movie? It's only going to take two hours. I just want you to walk in and say, suck my dick. And you're going to do that. And then someday somebody's going to contact you for a real movie. And I want you to do that. And you're going to

come to me and say, Joe, I got a letter from the union. They want $3,000. I'll never act again. But leave someday, all these things add up. and one day when podcasting goes to where this is going to go and I'm dead and buried you're going to be telling me you've been doing this for 30 fucking years and you're going to be 50 years old

and you're going to command the big salary by that time who knows if there'll be television you'll be like the next Maury Schaefer well thank you man but I mean you're always very nice to me remember a couple weeks ago we talked about me going to the I.O. and you were in shock. Weren't you there? Was I having this conversation with you?

I don't know. And you said to me, why would you write sketches? Was it you? When we were in front of flappers? Remember we were on the side? And I told them for a while. I thought I was going to be a writer. Oh, yeah. For I.O. And I went and took sketch writing one and two and three. And they go, what did you get from? And I go, I realized I was better the teachers writing the sketch. But I still went in there. Did I want to be a sketch writer? Right.

But maybe I might learn something. I paid money to pay for those sketches. And between you and I, you know, I wouldn't say this to you, I was better than those fucking morons. They weren't doing nothing better than me. No? No. They weren't writing from Sinai Lide.

They were writing for like some fucking show on the channel that was before E. Whatever before E, E, where there was girls behaving badly. Remember that show? The guy was like an assistant. him writer for that. Okay. And he was teaching a course, like $2,000. Like the same thing they tried to do to you at Flappers.

So he was an unqualified guy that teaches his fucking job. So, yeah, it was a waste of time. Don't I tell you, an Asian chick came up to me until they solicited me when I went to buy this fucking bomb. And I got to tell you something, it blew my mind. Like, all my circuits went.

What did you say? What do you think I said? What did he say? It was the most subtle fucking thing in the world. world. It was an Asian girl and a white girl. Did they look like hookers? Not in a million fucking years. White girl was the muscle?

White girl was the smoker. Okay. Okay. Okay. Chinese girl was in there. Short skirt, nice shoes. Did she pass as a hooker? Not a million years to me. So after I got in the car,

I made a left and I made a right, just to see if the cops were following me. I was on Lancashire, and I pulled out of that, and I went to the gym, and I made that sharp left. And then when I got to Tunga, I made the sharp right, and I made sure there was no cops following me. It scared the fuck out of me. After she propositioned you?

She propositioned me in the weirdest way. Okay, so after I got in the car, it was when I really thought about it. I've never liked Lancashire. In fact, who got proposition five years ago at a club in Lancashire? Lisa. Guys, Lancashim... Creepy as fucking night.

It's creepy as fuck as night. And the Ha Ha ha ha cafe is there. But now it's on the other side. And I haven't seen nothing creepy on that side. It's really nice on that side of Lancashire. Lancasham is cut in half by Riverside, maybe, or one of those Camarillo, or one of those ladies and gentlemen. I'm now fucking map.

Google it, cuckers. But the other side, when we first moved here, Lee lived in Sherman Oaks. So at night, we would do the podcast and we would meet at night, but the ha-ha, and we would stand outside and see the amount of women walking by single. And I would sit there and go,

something's not fucking right. Because they're not walking on the club side. Remember where the girl took you in propositioned you're in the bar? Right, yeah. Whatever the name of that bar is, Stinkies or Sketches. If they were walking on that side, I get it that they parked and walked to the club. Right.

But they would walk on that side. And they were A, always dressed okay. B, they didn't look hookery. They were pros. They didn't make eye contact with you. But I would sit there and go, what an uncommon amount of single girls walking on languishing every fucking night. Yeah, you wouldn't think there were hookers. Right.

especially when the actions that way. Okay, so the train gets off. Okay. But that's still fucking four blocks from the fucking train. Yeah. What woman would walk fucking more than four fucking blocks at 9, 10, 11 o'clock and fucking nightly. So something wasn't right.

And then I saw somebody started telling me more. I asked, you know, junior and I asked Jack. And they started telling me by that corner, that mattress store, there's a hotel. There's a hotel off Lancashire. You make a left. Right when you pass over that, there's a vitamin store.

I used to get weed there. I used to do the theater there. That first right, there's a hotel in there. Okay. And I didn't see him until that day there. I saw a black chick out there, like a year later in that daytime. And then I put two and two together.

So nothing. You know me, dog. Now, years ago, when I first lived in sunset, There was one day I went outside And there was cops everywhere With fucking guys running away from cars and shit And I found out later That if you pull over for a hooker on sunset

Okay So think about this That if she propositions you Or you proposition her I really don't know the rules That they give you a ticket And they take your car So dog

When I was on sunset And if I saw those things I just look straight And fucking put the windows up and locked the doors just in case, Lee. I didn't know in those days. In those days, sunset was really bad, you know. I would always think that they would be the cops.

How could they not? I don't know if you remember. I don't think everyone up there, but I used to live on. On Van Nu. No, even worse. Sherman Way and Sepulveda. And driving up and down to Povolita at night, it was like what hookers, what they tell you hookers look like in movies.

No, but they didn't cause? No, well, a couple times, like I would see them, Like this one time in a gas station one pulled up and then went and got condoms. There's a Ralph's over there on Burbank. And a couple of them got dropped off over there, I saw. But most of them are just walking up and down. The craziest one was when I was going to work at like 9 in the morning and there was one walk still at 9 in the morning. I would always think one of those would be a cop.

I would never just pull over, especially now with all the Internet stuff. I don't think the internet people would become too so I don't know I don't think I could ever do it well today was the slickest move ever I couldn't go to jihitsu because I still didn't feel it so I had a meeting I left the house about 10

I went to a weed store I dropped the baby off at school first with my wife I went home I sent some emails boom o'clock i went to the weed store had to go to cvs i had to pick up some notebooks for tomorrow and then i shot over to the coffee shop and i wrote for a while then i went back to the house ate lunch and then i went to my o'clock meeting so this is what i'm trying to chronological the day is so people know why my mind is blown i went to the meeting i probably talked to the guy for like an hour or 15 minutes i got in my car i

remembered I missed a call from Lee because my phone was in my bag. I didn't know that at that time. I got in my car and I shot over to get the bomb. I was thinking about Cornyn because I was hungry at that time. I was a little hungry. And when you don't eat for a day, you want to eat something dirty. Like you crave grease. Like the other night I told my wife I crave donuts at 2 in the morning.

Those powdered donuts that come in the six packets that are disgusting. Yeah. I haven't eaten those in 20 years. That's how sick I was. Oh, we didn't even finish that conversation. So I got to Riverside. I went to Lancash and blew my parking from the bunk store. Right.

And as I walk in, there's a white girl with an Asian girl. Now between you and me, the Asian girl's got to be 28, 29. She's, I don't know what descent she is. She's not Filipino or darker ties. she's either Japanese or Chinese. And just like a seven, like not like super pretty, but like... Pretty face.

Not pretty face. Did not look like a hooker at all to me. And then the white girl was like a seven, too. You know, they were both dressed okay, whatever. And then I went in and the guy goes, Hey, give me one minute. Good to see you. What happened?

And I go, ah, we left the bong in the bathroom, and somebody stole her. So he rang them out. And then he walked over to me and they stayed looking at candy you know how the place is Right and he goes which one I go give me that one and he goes it says 40 no discount but I give I go I just keep the 40 bro you're a good dude and the shit and as I grabbed the bomb she was right there She goes nice bomb you want a party Oh

And I didn't know what the fuck to say Lee you know me I just froze She got to be 28 years old. I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. And I go, me? No, no, no, no, no. I got to get home. I'm running late. I said something cowardly, something stupid.

And then as I opened the door, I let them go out first. And that's when she turned. She goes, I don't know what type of party you were talking about. I'm talking about a real party. You could either have me or you could have both of us. She goes, we could work something out. and I just looked at it and kept walking Lisa. Beep, beep, I opened up my car.

I got in it. I started the car and I drove away like a little fucking sissy that I am. Did you get like a boner? No. No. I had the opposite of a fucking bone. I had the feeling that the cops were about to jump on me from every direction just for opening up the door for them.

And I was going to get shaken down on Lancashire in front of all my friends. And people would see me and my wife would ask me what happened. And that's what I was fucking concerned about because that you know what I'm saying that's what you're concerned about when you were fucking Oh, so then then it was actually you thought it was a trap I just didn't understand why a woman would say that three in the fucking afternoon If it was even that on Lancashon Boulevard she's an entrepreneur No no I didn't know nothing something didn't smell fucking right dog I don't blame you I don't know dog I would never solicit them anyway and I would have never sometimes they talk to you and you know You know, like, you get a feeling like, if it's a black chick and she talks to it, sometimes you, oh, fuck, yeah, you got to have fun with them.

You just can't dismiss them and run away, like, on the way out of the MGM grand, at 6 in the morning to catch a plane. Hilarious. They'll come right, you know me, I always get a coffee, and I try to smoke a joint and play a fucking video game for 10 minutes before I get in the fucking car for 20 bucks. And at 6 a.m., they just come right up to you. 5 a.m. They'll come right up to you, and you know what? They'll sit there. And you know what, man, you could talk to him And break that balls

I thought, come on, you still got your room key? Fuck, yeah, I still got my room key. What do you think? You want to go upstairs and have a date? Come on, cancel your flight. This is the best pussy you've ever had. And you just keep fucking playing and giggling. You know, the cameras are watching.

So I don't touch them. I don't even make eye contact. I just go, listen. The cameras are watching it. Sit tight. Show me the fucking good. Let me see that. Speak to me.

Toothless one. Well, I'll say something crazy, and they'll say, show me the cash. And I go, listen, I got the cat's a 635 flat. I got shit to do. And they giggle, and they run away, or they'll ask me if I was in a movie, or if I was in the longest shot, if I want to have a date. And I giggle with them. These chicks were too up tightly.

There was no foreplay. There was no what type of refa do you like? There was no type of, I've seen you on Periscope. No salesmanship. There was no salesmanship. If they were undercover cops, to do something. And it was funny because when I drove around, I saw a cop car on Magnoli. Again, that's my drug dealer, old school paranoia. I do not do cocaine anymore. I wouldn't be paranoid.

But it's funny. By the time I got to Magnolia, I saw a cop car patrol. So you never fucking know Lee. You never know who the fuck you're talking to. Can you imagine Lee? What would you do? You go into the, you know, you're nice Johnny sweetness. You asked me, you want me to go buy a and I said, no, I'll go. What would you have done if you were to fucking walk in there? Three in the afternoon and China Wong and her fucking hot assistant, you know, no money was ever said nothing. See, I was kind of stupid. I was like, maybe she just wants to smoke the bomb and then hook up.

Like, when she said party, I was like, oh, maybe. Fuck, no. When a girl looks like that, she has her own weed. Why would she want to smoke with some fat, fucking old degenerate like me? Are you fucking crazy? If she would have came to me and said anything else, but the way she did, I would have probably been in jail right now because I would have talked to her. And then, you know what I would have done?

I would have goofed on her. What do you mean goofed on her? I would have asked her for how much, and she would have said $500. I go, $500. Come on. I got like $2.50. And then she would have said $2.50, what is that in court? You know, I'm one of those idiots.

Right. Because I like to make fucking fun of them and shit. Like, how about I give you? Yeah, you've done that for years. $32 and a pair of fucking socks from women. Yeah, your torturing could have almost got you on. I'm like to catch a predator or something. Yeah, so I just, I didn't even, if they would have had a sense of humor and said, listen, we'll call girls would stay at the hotel down the block.

Are you interested in going to a party? I would say, nah, you know, how long you girls have been doing this? I would have done like a fake background check and shit. Maybe I'll have some Armenians go over there and visit you. I don't know nobody. What the fuck do I know? I know where you fucking know me I was thinking

we were talking about it in a different way but I was thinking about it in this way man LA is a crazy fucking place just like in the place where I grew up I would never see a hook

there would never be some propositioning someone like this place is crazy on every fucking level when I was growing up I never saw a hook on the streets of North Bergen New Jersey, Union City. You know, I didn't know where you contacted them at that age. I didn't

know, and I didn't want to know. When I got to be about 16, there was a rumor going around on a woman that lived on 80th of 1st Street, and whenever the light was on, you were knocked on the door, and for 40 bucks, you sucked your dick. Oh, 40 bucks. I would have done that every day.

40 bucks in 1980. was really 80 bucks Lee. I never went over there. I was always scared. But that was the only direct. I didn't know what she looked like. I never met her. And then years later,

I saw hookers in Manhattan. They used to hang out by that fucking thing by the Lincoln Tunnel. It's funny when, you know, my daughter goes to school in the area. There's a park close by. It's a worst park.

And it's so funny that sometimes I'm driving at 9.30 in the morning. And I'll see a fucking hook. And me and my wife would just look at each other like, what the fuck? It's 9.30 in the morning. Were you with me one time when we saw one? And with Josh Wolf over at the thing and she waved? I saw her years ago.

I don't know if you remember. We went to Panera one morning randomly. Before the podcast even started, I think. I don't even remember why we were there. And the girl with the blonde hair that would always walk through the surrounding towns. you saw her and pointed her out and that was like years ago that was like at least three years ago

she was black with a wig yeah yeah yeah yeah and I showed it a Josh Moore I used to see her all the fucking time and one day I was like oh my God I saw it by Gelson's by the white supermarket and she was banging those old Jews

in the corner she was taking their fucking lunch money and sucking their dick you think I'm kidding you who else goes to Gelsons Mexicans don't go to Gelsons black people don't go to Gelsons Jews and these fucking Gentiles go to Gels and these fucking Gentiles

for the Gelson. So she would fucking suck dick over at Gelsons. There's no cops ever at Gelsons. No, that's a good place to suck dick, I guess. Listen, I don't fucking know. What do you bother

me for? What's the conversation you wanted to talk about? Oh, I just wanted to finish of the wings conversation. So, and you said the chef of the future. I got a crock pot. And because you kept saying, like, oh, the weed and you're eating.

like as I was like as I was eating the wings that and I was like I'm not even like it got to the point where I might even enjoy it and I can't even I can't even blame it on the weed I wasn't even that hungry on the from the weed I was like fuck so I got this crock pot and cranberry chicken and brown rice how was it pretty good that means it sucked this pretty good not as good as the wings but no brown rice is never that great especially reheated but you know what I I know that's not great for you, but corn on the cob. It's better than french fries.

It's better than french fries. It's better than a pint of fucking ice cream. A little bit of butter, maybe some no. You put spray butter on to save you lungs. Well, last night I put actual butter on tonight. Tonight I made a bowl. So I just cut it off plane. Come on.

So you're eating healthy. You feel better. It's just, but it was just you basically saying, how am I doing those workouts and then eating and ruining it? I don't know why. It's weird. And at that point, like I said, I wasn't even enjoying it. I ended up at 418 pounds. Not because I was making the best fucking choices.

418 pounds. I couldn't do a tent of what I was doing to what I'm doing today at the age of 44 years old. I would never want that for anybody. How much of a jitutuzzi class would you make through? How much, how long into a jitutuz class would you make at 418 do you think? So 11 years off 40, 53 is 42. At 42, the guy at the Y, I could not walk up a fucking thing of three minutes. What do you fuck do you think I would have done in Jiu-Jitsu?

I could not walk an elliptical machine. No, the other one, the flat one that you elevate. The treadmill. treadmill for three fucking minutes without turning fucking purple. One time I had a heart examination and they put the ink in your heart and they put you on the treadmill

and they fucking speed it up. I thought it was going to have a fucking heart attack. They're like don't worry about it before the heart attack you go into a coma will save your life. I'm like are you fucking retarded? Oh my God. That's not something you want to hear before you get on the treadmill. No, so I was in that bad of shape. What do you mean Jiu-Jitsu? I couldn't

fucking bend. And they're doing three classes a day. No, I do the drill class, which is half and half. You break a little fucking sweat and shit. You warm up. You stretch, and then you do the regular class. And then you do the mobility class, which is a half hour class. It's three 15 minute exercises.

Dog, I'm fucking sore today. I don't know. I was going to go to Jiu-Jitsu today, but I'm still fucked up in the thing. I didn't want to kill my body today and start sweat. I want to build it up a little bit. So tomorrow I can't do. I got a writing. a session tomorrow for the special

and I go back on Friday and I'm taking my wife to date afternoon when I don't see born supremacy in one of those fucking things. You know what you should see is Mike and Dave need wedding dates. It was fucking. It was funny.

I promise you. I promise you was funny. I promise you was funny. You also watch Dirty Rock and you watch But you know what? You like Zach Gaffron and the fucking girl. The girls in it were great.

Leave me alone. You know, don't want to watch that shit. It was so good. recommend none to me because if it's really I didn't want to see either. It's terrible. I have to get really high. That's not a bad fucking. That's always a bad son. No, it's not. It was the, it was fucking, we died laughing. It was, the whole theater was dying. The whole theater loves it.

You die by yourself, for it. Leave me to fuck a little. You gotta fucking depress me, shit. Who's depressing you? It was a good movie. You are with bad fucking selections. No, it was a good movie. I promise you. I don't, you think I want to go see Jane? Jason fucking born? Yeah.

No, I don't want to go see that shit. You don't like Matt Damon anymore? I don't like none of that shit. I love Matt Damon, but after he sucked Liberace's dick, I lost all respect from that movie. So you just have work to do you? It's a fucking joke. I know, I know, I know. I don't know.

I just don't want to swatch three hours, but my wife wants to go. We get popcorn. We hold hands. We go get a fucking burger and everybody's happy. That's what her family's about, right? Because Saturday, she's back to the grind. I got a meeting Saturday at 10, so she can't go to yoga. Sunday, she's got church Monday, and it goes on.

You know what I'm saying? It never ends. The week after that, I go away. I go to Cherokee Casino the next Friday. And then the following week, I'm fucking Denver banging out with these animals. And the week after that, I'm off. And then I go to fucking oddball. Then I go to Austin.

We go to Austin. Nice. And then I go to fucking New York City. No, we got our hands full, dog. This Friday, I got the motherfucking ice house. 10, 15, you're going to be out of town, but that's good. You're taking the wife on a little rendezvous. When is the class end?

The bar ends tomorrow. Tomorrow. So you're picking her up tomorrow? Well, actually, what she did was, because she is staying at a hotel because it's next to the bar. So she booked the next day just so she didn't have to check out. So I'm going to go there, hang out at the hotel there, and then we'll go to the new place. No, wait a second.

Before I hear there, are there other people in the room? No. you're not going to play that Harvey homo game going out with other girls and boys in the room and no she doesn't it's just you and her with a tub her and I get along very well

she doesn't want to see anybody done it's over you're locking you're putting do not disturb in Spanish and I actually I took a page out of your book today I went over and I dropped off some candy and some like just some snacks for them and like they let

they actually let me into the hotel room which is kind of surprising but they let me into the hotel room and like set it up and then like it made her night because she was like she was like it's anyone out there who's ever taken the bar or anything it's it's a fucking long experience so i i'm glad i didn't do it so then friday morning you wake up yeah you get two eggs right you get a piece of fucking fish some potatoes throw some potatoes in there friday what what fish do you recommend i get i don't fucking know that i don't have a recommendation i don't have me i'm terrible with that shit the locks on a bagel count

If you like locks, Lee, but I don't understand how you like locks and you don't like it cooked. I don't know what to fuck the up, bro. Let's try it. I'll try anything. I'll get the salmon next time. Don't get cheap salmon. Get a nice piece of salmon. Who we're sending me salmon in like four weeks?

Okay, and they send the fucking nice sauce with it. Right. Yeah. Whoip and don't fuck around. They send a nice sauce. You'll like it. It doesn't come out that drive. You stick right to it.

So then Friday, where you're going? You get in the car. We're going to Newport. I took your advice. Look at you. This shit. Oh shit. And then how?

And you're down there. You got a view of the beach? Uh, close to the beach. I don't know if it's on the beach. Because on the beach is fucking like $800 a night, which is crazy. But it's actually where we went for our first anniversary. Now, when you go to these beach places, do you go on computer sites, expedia and stuff like that and check it out? I'm just curious.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Absolutely. Dude, I spend so much time. Now, what time, what website do you go on when you want to travel? I've gone on. I go on all them. I want on Tramago, which I kind of like, except.

When I went on, like it said, there was a certain deal, and then when you click on it suddenly it's not available. What I actually did, and this is how we actually got it the first time, and I think I'm a cheap bastard, but it actually worked out. They all have these things like, we're not going to tell you where you're going to stay, but it's this star level. So we did that two years ago, and I literally spent like 14 hours one day looking at different things. I told you wanted to go to Palm Springs, but it takes three hours. some days. So I was like, I don't want to drive that long. So, and I decided our new port.

Listen, who the fuck wants to go to the desert? A horse with no name. You live in California. Who wants to go? What are you going to do with the desert? Walk around and get bit by a fucking snake. But we don't do anything anyway. We just like, we just like hanging out. You're just like hanging out and getting room service and watching TV. I ain't mad and chile. I do the same fucking thing. So yeah, so that's like two in the morning. I think it's actually that I took ass it. Yeah. And two in the morning. I was just like, fuck it. I'm just going to do one of those deals again. And I got it's a beautiful hotel. It's like the

Fairmont Newport. And I called up at two in the morning high on fucking acid. And I was like, hey man, we're here for our anniversary. Can we get like a nice room? He's like, oh yeah, I see how in here you have such and such room facing the pool area. I was like, can I get it high up? He's like, sure. I called it two in the morning high and acid. Some is. Yes, sir. How high do you want to get? Whether there's an earthquake. You and Paul have to jump. Like two fucking MOOCs in the fucking MOOCville. You get the first to the second floor.

You can't get the, because then there's parties, and they're walking around and the loud people. We want to be away from that. You're facing the pool anyway. You're not going to really fucking sleep late, and it's a bungalow beach. You're going to hear people? No, it's up high.

It's good. And then... What if there's an earthquake? You got to jump. No, I can't live like that. Because you know what happened? Today I was driving back from Pasadena, and they have those fucking...

a highway overpasses and underpasses where you're either on like big stilts or you're passing under a highway. And as you're doing it, you're just like, I'm going to die one day going under one of these. Because it's just going to fall off and smush me. Or I'm going to be on top of it and it's going to fall and it's going to crash and fall. So you can't let that fear ruin your life. Get a higher world. Again, what if you're on the sixth floor and there's a fire, you got to jump, you don't fall. Get the second floor.

Cut a deal, will you? You want to be up to the last week I checked into a hotel. put me on the 12th floor. Yeah, it's a good floor. I just mad dog with the guy. You're gonna fucking kidding me. Put me on the second floor. Fucking gonna put me on the 12th floor.

There's a fire. I gotta jump out two. Room for two, listen, two, three, you could jump and live. If there's an explosion on the third floor,

God forbid, you've been a good soul, you won't blow up. That gives you a chance to wake up, pack up the sleep apnea machine and take your best jump. You understand me? Jump.

Keep your legs light. You break both ankles, but you live. The 12th floor, you weren't going to live, dog. You're going to go down like a missile. You're going to have a heart attack in the ear. I know you. Yeah, but what do you say to the person on the phone?

You're like, hey, man. No, listen. I like the third floor. What the fuck? I like the third floor. That's right. I feel lucky. I feel more comfortable on the third floor.

What would it cost me to put me in the third floor where it's quiet? That's how you worked that motherfucker dog. I'm trying to fucking hook you up Pete. If there's an emergency and it's even better if you're closer to the, the back door. You know why? You can sneak out? It smoke dope out there and sneak back into your room and they blame them on the floor

because you walk up to the floor and smoke the joint. They don't have cameras in those hallways. A lot of times I go to these towns, it's fucking freezing. What do you think I'm going to walk around like fucking Johnny Mook? I'm in a nice hotel. I look around. I open up the door. I take an elevator

up. I do a bunch of stunts. Sometimes the roof is open. You cause terror. Everyone's like, I don't smoke pot. I promise. Listen to me, Doug. It's like an AA4. I'll go up three or four floors up,

go into the hallway, and smoke dope and leave the joint on the pipe for them burning. And then get on the elevator. I'll put like mint in my mouth and take three hits of the vapor pen. And I'll get back to the elevator. As long as I get to my room unseen, within 10 minutes, the whole hotel will be on the 12th floor. That's how you rock the fucking hotel.

Oh my God. That one time in Tempe, that is the most fun I had in a long time late. But that's where my mind is. The place in Tempe had three stories. But on the second story, they had the smoking lounge that faced the inside of the hotel. Okay. So you walk into the hotel people, and right there, you check in. But then, to get to your room, you have to walk away from that area and walk across.

This tremendous Palazzo, pool, restaurant, and business, when people get together for businesses conferences. Right. And they're unbelievable. These bungalows, Lee, these bungalows have a fucking kitchen. Lee, like the size of my living room with a refrigerator against a wall. You asked for it. Coconut water, coconut water with pineapple on it.

The red fucking juice, Lee, they got everything. So here's these people having conferences about real estate. And there's another hut with people having conferences. And there's 100 people down by the pool because it's Tempe, Arizona. And there's fucking 30 people eating in the restaurant. And I go up on the second floor. And I go into the corner. And I take a cigarette and I light it.

Now there's another guy in the other son. He's smoking a cigarette. He puts his cigarette out. He walks in. I take my fucking joint out Lee and I spark that motherfucker. And meanwhile, the whole time I'm smoking the cigarette like this with my left hand, but I got the joint in my right hand, Lee. And when nobody watch and I make believe like somebody's calling me, and when I go to get

the cell phone, I take through it through the joint. And the fucking air is catching this. And you can see at the people in both conferences are looking around. And I'm right in front of him, Lee. smoking the fucking cigarette and they cannot figure out who the fuck is doing this Lee I was doing it for three days

I tormented people with this hotel in Arizona the last time I'll never forget the third day people were running in the fucking lot trying to figure out who it was and there I am on the balcony right in front of them

they have like statutes for that hotel now because of that event in whatever a year to deal with smokers they have a whole new part of a rule book they had to teach people let me tell you something I never saw Gentiles

in such a state of panic they were fucking running around Lee the third day the bellman the fucking security go to the roof go to the second floor we're moving around the hotel

just a vessel yeah no I'm on the bow watching them smoking reefer while they're looking everywhere but at me because I'm right in front of them late what did I think you were smoking a cigarette they do I wasn't even smoking cigarettes I just knew that if I the only reason I could go on this balcony was to smoke a cigarette and they keep looking at me and they're looking at the cigarette and they're going it's not him but what they're not seeing is that I keep taking my phone I'm going hello hold on one second and I'm taking

two hits off the joint blowing it. And then what I would do is leave the roach by the fucking plant. There was planters out there and I would leave the roach by the plant. Do you think it got sent for DNA? No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

No, they're too. They're like, we knew it. We knew it. But Lee, that was fucking a blot. I love doing that type of shit. The roach band. You always have to go on a separate floor to smoke. That's why I have like edibles. So you go all the way up to

last floor you smoke in the hallway and then you take the elevator down to let's say you're in floor number five you take the elevator up to the 18th floor you go into the emergency hallway without setting off the alarm you smoke you get back on the elevator and you exit 10 and you walk down to 5 that's the move right there that's what I leave you with if you're gonna travel and smoke marijuana hasn't worked to me like a charm plus they can't they can't they can't figure it I'm always worth that the door's going to be locked in those stairways. No, you always double-check.

You put a shoe in there or something like that. Come on. And you go up to the fucking two floors up. You burn some calories. What the fuck you think you're dealing with the Johnny bananas? And you don't just prefer just taking an edible and sitting and staying in your room? It's not like when you're a smoker. When you're a real smoker, there's something about it becoming a part of your night.

Really? You go back at night. You fucking get a cup of coffee. You smoke a little tut-truts. It's something about that process that just the edible is very nice too But sometimes you eat an edible and you want something to ease into the edible you just don't want to go in a shot You follow him saying to you? Come on you live and fucking learn give me the paperwork here Listen before we move on thank you very much for supporting us 400 fucking episodes people

400 fucking episodes Uh it's um it couldn't happen without you guys You know, fucking talking lad. You know, all you motherfuckers, waterboxer, Cleo, it couldn't happen without you guys. All you guys tonight that were wondering where the fuck we were. That's what we were sick. As a matter of fact, all of a sudden I got a short throat. I'm sorry, me.

You okay? Yeah, I'll plead. No. I'm dying. I'm going to die. I got fucking a wound. I got nothing. I'm just saying you never fucking know.

That's part of it leaving your fucking body. Oh, my God. Yeah. Sometimes you just get shit. You're not going to get it. You're tough. No, no. Something that's been like weird for me.

Really? I just went fuzzy for a second. Did you? Yeah. Oh, you're going to start shitting puke until it. Oh. It's all over. She's going to be trying to lick your balls.

You're going to be trying to leak out of your fucking muffler. That's it. You've been to cancer Newport right now and get your diploma back because that's a long drive to Newport while you're shitting your pants and shit. And ain't nobody want to be with you. I don't care. Did you just feel something fuzzy? No, no, no, no. I feel fine.

My eyes, but weird. Oh, yeah? Oh, because she did three bong hits of this death. Plus the two more you're going to do after we go off the fucking A. It's the 400 fucking episode. You say he was sore a throat. Who gives a fuck? That's when you smoke reefer.

Anybody could smoke reefer when everybody's hip-hop or do. Smoke rea for when you have fucking blood blisters in your throat. And you watch them blow up as you're doing bong hits. That's when you're smoking pot. I don't want to share a lot. You don't want to what? Why are your blood blisters in your throat that are exploding? Stop smoking for a few days.

No, that was years ago. Not blood blisters. You got those little throat polyps and they stick on there. When you cough out, they spit out like a little piece of meat behind your tooth. And you take them and you break them up and you sniff them. You never broke up a throat polyp.

What's wrong with you? One of those yellow balls of debt that comes out of your throat? I've never lived there, I guess. Give me a couple more weeks. You'll be smoking some fucking bunnies. You'll be smoking up some fucking throat polyps. What the fuck they are? I don't even know.

Listen, a couple of weeks ago, I went to I went to a pretty interesting experience that I've been thinking about a lot lately. When I was a kid, I used to have birthday parties, and my mom used to make me go to a fucking tailor. And it always seemed like a nightmare while I was there. You know, even though I got two new fucking suits out of it that lasted a year because I've grown, it was always pretty nice. Ever since my mom died in 79, I stopped getting tailored suit.

It's got the money to pay for tailored suit. You got the fucking T.J. Max to the Fat Man section. And they always got some fucking suit. You can wear to a funeral for 49.95 and shit. One time I bought a magician's. One time, listen, I was opening up, I was doing the sunflower casino in one of those. And I was opening up for Diane Ford and Dave Attell. And she says, you're MCN.

So you got to wear some type of tuxedo. So they had no tuxedos. I went down to Melrose. I had the small 50. All they had in my size was a guy that was a magician. And decided to quit, so he went down there and dropped off his gear. A magician? I still have the fucking, I don't have the tucks.

I lit it on fire. But I still have the picture of my magician top. Here's where it gets even worse, guys. I get to the fucking whatever casino and guess who's there. Both Dave Attell canceled. And whoever else I was supposed to work with. I was opening up for Tim out. here I am with the fucking magician suit

working all week with my man fucking Tim Allen. I'm embarrassed to Zine. Anyway, you want to talk about bad days? The reason why I'm getting to where I'm going is last week I had a great experience. You know, people don't get made-to-measure suits because they're not affordable and available to everybody, you know. You know, made-to-measure suits, they fit and feel 100% better to generic off-ter-rearing. type suits, you know, and you have no idea what it feels like to wear a suit that's uniquely

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my image no but there's a lot of you fucking young guys that are trying to fucking get ahead in the world you know what man

for once in your life take care yourself, go out on a limb. Instead of buying one suit like me and leave because we're fucking vampires, three suits for $300 because, you know, every time I wear a suit, there's always a fire or somebody wants to walk around with a fucking nailing their shoe and also get caught on it. But every once in a while, man, you want to look good, you want to get that job. Get yourself and made to fucking order suit. And this is your shot. Also, you check out their made-to-measure dress shirts and men accessories.

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you can't get a job because you fucking look like a mook that's why all these kids are looking sharp do yourself a favor go to indochino.com right now go look at the selection of suits they got listen 399 and free fucking delivery get your shit together go look at these suits right now on the way out pressing c h u r c h cut the shit and get your life together i'm really happy honor came through for me this week i got some new product to try i got the mixed greens i got two more I'm fucking hemp protein shakes. I got an alpha brain and I got a fucking shrewm tech sport.

I'm back, bitches. I'm going to put this nose to the motherfucking test. Motherfuckers. Do you hear that? I've been fucking douching it out. Putting fucking saline in there. It's a nightmare, but I've been doing it. Thank you for your support and the whole thing.

But do me a favor. Hon, it's always on top. I'll tell you what else you want to look into. If you don't get no discount on these, but I'm telling you, Those little clubs that they use, a tack-fit, those little 10-pound clubs, get yourself a video dog for your wrist or your shoulders hurt. But I can only help you out with the supplements. Go, they got the MCT oil.

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Church. Bitches, church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. And get 10% off and get the supplements sent right to your house. Next week, I'm going to report to you that new green thing they got. The Dr. Belize recommended. It's a new lemon line player, but I can't fucking wait. Listen, this podcast is about you motherfuckers and the growth to leave.

Thank you very much for listening tonight. I know you motherfucker expected fireworks and for us to do heroin. I thought about it, but my health isn't at the best part right now. I didn't want to ship myself in the office in front of you people. But you know us, motherfuckers, we don't back up. You understand me? A little Sabbath bloody Sabbath tonight. I don't know, Lee.

Whatever you fucking think. Either the matter anything, Leonard Skinner, I think. Let's do something, Lennox skimmy. Give me back my bullets by Leonard Skinner. I love you guys. See you next week. We're just doing one podcast this week. Why shoot ourselves in the fucking leg.

Thank you for the love and support. Happy 400, cocksuckers. This show was brought to you by Indochino. Go to Indochino.com, and they are offering our listeners any premium suit for just $3.99. That's up to 50% off at Indochino.com when you enter promo code church at checkout. And as if that's not enough,

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