The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #401 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: August 1, 2016

Steve Simeone, Comedian, seen on "This Is Not Happening" on Comedy Central and host of the, "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast. joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Joey and Steve will be performing at the Cherokee Casino in Oklahoma on Saturday, August 6, 2016. Get tickets here:https://goo.gl/qdhezv This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping! Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off a custom mattress and free shipping.    Recorded on 07/31/2016      

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new mood, shum to commune, shum to export. Kick that fucking mulee. It's Monday morning, a.k.a., whatever the fuck it is. The church of what's happening now? Lee Syatt, my little brother, Steve Simone. Here we go.

How's how quick it goes. How the fuck did I get here? Oh, shit. Here we go. Kill that fucking motherfucker, Lee. Little old school. Talking heads on a fucking Sunday night, AKA Monday morning.

I got my little brother Lee Syatt. Hello. Steve Simone. Thanks for having me. No, thank you for coming on, man. I wanted to talk to you about a few things. Last time you came on and we wanted a tangent, we were high and I apologize. I didn't mean to apologize.

Until today, I saw your boy last night, Scalaro. He apologized, looking good. He had a nice little beautiful girlfriend with him. He was looking clean and shit. Scalero was a fucking savage. I had a great weekend. just working out the sour I appreciated you

if you came out to the ice house on Friday night and I had a great time with you in stage two like I said this is all experimental I'm just trying to work out material to make this hour the best it could be I want to thank you for coming out and support and then we took pictures

and smoked dope it was tremendous this weekend I'm with my main man Lysayette with my main man Steve Simone we're going to take a fucking plane down to Oklahoma to play the Cherokee Casino. It's going to be great. With some American Indians. We're going to eat dinner with the chiefs

and shit. We ain't fucking around. They got a buffalo. They got everything. You understand? Really? I'm excited to bring the chief. We're going to wear the head tribe. The whole fucking deal. We're not fucking around this weekend. We're going to eat some mushrooms. We're going to give some moan some mushrooms from the Indians. You know, it's going to be beautiful.

But that's it. I missed you guys just at home. Nose recovering. Assholes recovered. You know, we're ready to go. From time to time. comes out of the nose with the saline wash, but, you know, that's it. The song is over. We got to tackle the last quarter of the fucking year like savages. This is why you do anything.

Whether you're a plumber, a printer, a writer, this is it. You want to end the fucking year off with a bang. So if you're starting September because you're mind masturbating yourself, it starts August 1st. And August 1st is basically motherfucking today. You understand me? So that's the attitude. What's your wife saying?

So she disappears for two weeks. She comes back. resumes go out the resumes have already started going out she like she she started before the bar she started and she actually she finished she did three days of the bar and yes now it starts now any calls coming for yet yeah she's gone on a couple interviews but it's tough because like she doesn't want to be a like a law firm attorney she wants to be like work like as a DA or something so they can't really hire you until you have your bar results like the big law firms have enough

money that they'll hire you until you get your results assuming you pass if you don't pass you get fired but so now she's gonna do like pro bono stuff probably wow until she gets the results and then she'll get then she'll get a real job nice very nice oh yeah it's a it's a big thing to do a fuck it's a big thing to do anything like that and you know what you look at it from my perspective because I'm a little older and you know that you control yourself when you're 26 25 you've put in all these fucking years 24 to take this now this could decide your faith this people have taken it three fucking times Most people take it more than that.

People take it like seven, ten times. Yeah, it's a fucking, you know, it is what it is. So I can't imagine the discipline. I would have been one of those dumb fucks that I would have done well in law school, but I would have flunked the fuck. I can't that. I flunked it. Anywhere I moved to,

I always flunked a driving test. That's why I could read the book 80 fucking times. I still fucking flunk it. If I hit it, it's because by luck. In L.A., I hit it by luck. The first time they threw a curb bowl at me. It took me for a ride in the motor school that pulled up next to me.

I was fucked. I was fucked. Once a motor scooter pulls up next to you, you don't know what the fuck to do. What are you supposed to do? I don't know. I have no fucking idea until today. He failed.

I had to come back and pray to God there was no fucking foreigners on the road with fucking French helmets and shit. Hilarious. I swear to God. I swear to God. In Seattle, I failed it three times. In Colorado, I took it once.

And the only reason I got is I stuck up with a fucking guy and the old man in the house. I mean, it's always been a by the way with me driver's license. My original driver's license I got because I knew the dude at the driving school. That's hilarious. So for the small yardstick, he gives you a drive. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Done. As soon as you turned 16 in my neighborhood down there in North Bergen when I was a kid, the day you hit 16, the guy came over to your house. And he gave you a little driver's permit. You got to drive with somebody in the car. That's it. You went bananas. Right.

Somebody could meet anybody. No, it didn't. It didn't meet anybody, man. Like someone over 25. It didn't matter. In our world, it could have been a retarical. We were fine anybody. You got you fucked up.

You got hitting the head with a missile in Vietnam. Don't let you leave the house. We pick you up. We take you for a nice ride. We take you the Seac caucus. We go get weed. We throw rocks and hookers. You know,

yeah. Once you hit 16 in my old neighborhood down there and give her that terrorist down there, Charles Court, as soon as you hit 16, a guy knocked on your door. Hello? Hello. You're like, how are you doing? I see you in our records.

Because you already tell the guy, like two weeks before you even turn 16 with command. Where's this guy coming from? He worked. He was Mike Denny's my friend's, like, second cousin. Oh, that's great. So Mike Denny and he was like a little pervert. You could tell the he had like kid magazines and the trunk. And he had like the whole car with the kiddie thing with the extra steering wheel.

Oh, that's got to be the worst job in the world. He owned the company. The absolute worst job in the world. But I think, you know, now looking at it, the fucking it was 40 years ago, guys. And I got to tell you something, thinking about it now. This is just, I dawned it. It hit me about 10 years after it happened because I had heard something about him. You know when you see somebody and you think something to your head but you don't say dick?

And people are telling you, no, no, no, no, no. And all of a sudden you find out. And you're like, dog, I didn't want to fucking say it. Right away, you felt something. That day that he came over, it's not that he was looking at me weird or whatever. it was that I thought I saw like as crazy as it seems

a coloring book in the back seat right? Like I said to myself what adult drives around with a coloring book but then you know maybe your 16 year old brother brought his little sister with him right on the driving test or on the driving

you know who the fuck knows but who drives around with a coloring book in the back of their fucking car that's way so years years later Like he gave me that and I never saw him again guys But years, years later like I got I got the thing from him in Maybe July like I was late to the dance I got it from him in July of

79 and like in May of 85 I heard something fucked up about that he had been pulled over And he had molested some kids. And right there I go, that coloring book. You remembered it. I've never forget that fucking coloring book. But that was the dude who knocked on your door.

And for like a bill or bill and a half, he did everything. He didn't have to do the driving. You didn't have to take the castor in? No, because now when you turn 17, you even went to a special line. Wow. Like when you turned 17 was when you had the permit. But if you went to a driving school, you follow me? So it was all a fucking scam.

So he figured it out. Listen, I can charge 700 and have two people a month. I can charge two people, 700. Still get that and charge 55 people, a buck in a quarter, and only spend 10 minutes with them instead of seven fucking weeks. Yeah. I'll give you the short program just because you know somebody. That's great.

How crazy is that? It's inside. The short program. So we just signed the paperwork, right? You just signed the paperwork. And then on driving day, on the seven, And on your 17th birthday, you go in there, you have to bring somebody with a car that's insured and take the driving test, and that's it. Because you took the written.

He already gave you the written. He already gave you a fake written. You got a 98. You failed one. You still filled one, and that's it. He got a 98. Like, he did one. There was no computers.

There was no number two pencil. Yeah. It wasn't number two pensions because they put a graph over it. And there were three different tests. You know what I'm saying? So it was just how it is now. Except now they put it in a computer and the things and then it has your test results and they could see if you're cheating Whatever the fuck now they really nail you yeah well now they have a thing at least when I was doing it that you're supposed to do observation

Like so you're supposed to sit in the back and watch someone else take driver's ed and I never did it like they like the driver said to me like hey We could like the whole school it was known for like other kids to tell you to go to the driver's ed at the school because they didn't make you do observation Last night I was driving home and and this is my witness. I have robbed people. I have robbed drug dealers. You know, I kidnapped the guy that time. Lee, tell these motherfuckers, beside you parking in front of my house, what is my number one pet peeve when we drive? People not paying attention. Stop signs. I fucking yell at this guy every time. He rolls. He thinks it's a fucking joke. He rolls constantly. If I'm in the car with Lee 10 times, he rolls a stop sign.

And one night he's going to be stoned to the gills. They're going to get him on a roll, and he's going to go to jail for 20 fucking years going to think of me. I see a stop sign. I respect a stop sign more than I do a red light. There's more cops at stop signs, especially after one in the morning, than what there are fucking red lights.

That's money. That's money to sit on fountain on a stop sign down by Santa Monica. You think it's a stop sign? Oh, you know where they're? They nail you? I tell you where they used to nail you. Right after you hit Sal's fucking whatever, subway, Sal's sandwiches.

Okay. On Fountain and Labreya. Stay right there. There's a stop sign with a bodega in the corner. Absolutely. Bam. Ben, whenever I was coked up to the gills when I hit that area,

I was by the book to the fucking second. You understand me? It's like Las Palmas and Fountain. Right there. And there's a coconut guy. And there's always police cars there. These cars there. There's some stations like two blocks away.

That's the first place I ever got a fucking ticket for talking on the phone. I looked at the phone. Guy made a U-turned. He's down there all the time, a black skinny guy, not a bad guy. I've had conversations with me. He told me because I got to give you a ticket. I had nothing then. No license, no registration, no insurance.

No. I had everything, but I didn't know where it was. Right. I definitely had no license. Wow. And he gave me a $25 ticket and a no license ticket for, you know, 30 bucks. That's not when you pay. When you go to court, they tack 30, 82 for the fucking fund, 55 for the cop shoes, 88 for fucking the lease I at.

Institute for the fucking Bongo players. You always get on me about that. And I don't like not stop, but I feel like I slow down and stop. And then like I just edge forward just to see if anyone's coming. So you want me to just stop completely behind the line every time, even backstreet. Completely. That's why they nail you is in the back streets. A cop will let you run a yellow.

But he has to pull you over for a stop sign, especially after midnight. And they will 10 out of 10 times. But you know what? They never fuck with me because I stopped for stop signs. And I'm going to tell you why. Because as soon as you become 16 and my school and you got your driver permit, you went to a teacher. and he signed your paperwork

and then he'd go okay come to my office and get on the schedule and what you do is at a certain time you took that as a class that replaced your gym that's great so three other kids you and two other kids

got in the car with this teacher okay oh you must be the saint this is hysterical it was donated to us by the Buick Cavalack dealer so it was two of those black Donnie Brasco Oh, fucking Guidoed out cars with the stokes.

Riviera's or whatever. Yeah, with the black. There was a white one and a beige one. I will never, ever, ever, ever forget this, okay? So the guy's name is George McGrath. That was my second meeting with George McGrath. George McGrath was a running back coach when I was a freshman. And the first thing I noticed the bottom was he had a red mustache.

You know, he was red, he was Irish. but his mustache was brown from smoking camels with no filter. And he'd be out there yelling and shit. But I like McGrath and this guy, Taranova. But anyway, that's a complete different story. I became friends of McGrath. And something about McGrath, I knew something. You know, you ever look at somebody like, Mr. Sagan, this fucking guy.

He knows something. He knew what a gun. He gets that. Yeah, there's some parents who get it. When you're 17, it means a lot. for somebody to kind of not let you know what they do, but to let you know you're going to be all right. Yes.

You know what I'm saying? Like he was one of those dudes. So now I'm 16. I don't play football. I'm a basketball player. I had no use for him or each other. But right away, I go to him and I go, listen, I got to sign up for your program. So at 10 o'clock in the morning, you meet in front of the high school and Mr. McGrath and two other people.

so I would go in cahoots. I would go to Steve Simone and what time is your gym, dog 10 sign up. Right. And Lee sign up. So you guys are all in the car together. So it would be us three with this teacher. Oh, yeah. Now this teacher.

Poor Mr. McGrath turned out to be a dynamite fucking dude, right? Dynamite. Like he was just cool and shit. But little by little, Mr. McGrath started taking me for little errands. But listen to how cool McGrath was. We used to go, Mr. McGrath, where do you want to go? And he would go, which were the directions do you want to go, kids? And we go, let's go to Chans drag it in.

Then we'll turn around. And we'd go to Chans, dragging in as they were opening. Yeah. And we'd get out of the car to switch, and one of us are going to Chans. And they go, where are you going? We go out of ribs and steak on the sticks. This is how long I've been going to Chans, Lisa. At 16 years old was the first time.

I'm 50 fucking three, and I still keep there when I go home. That's great. Every time, it's the first place. That's who took me. I'll never forget the look on his fucking face. So that was the first thing. So everybody got hipter. If you sign up for the 1045, whatever, he'll let you turn around up there.

I love how you're acting like this is normal, like two, like 30 16-year-olds ordering steak on a stick and taking this is hysterical. Drivers end to it. And eating the steak and the stick and him sitting there going, listen, in all my years, this is the craziest thing I've ever done. And we're howling. We got Ted Nugent. We bring our own cassette. You know what I'm saying? Black Sabbath, Pat Benatar.

It was crazy. And you would sign up twice a week. So it got to the point where one day I'm in the car, and I'm with these fucking savages, this kid Calangelo, and he goes, fuck Chance. We're going to the liquor store. Oh, my God.

With Mr. McGrath? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And he goes, guys, I can't. Mr. McGrath, it's going to be cool. Just the A-Pack. And he took his son. We drank an A-Pack.

We threw it. Please. He goes, as long as I drive, guys. We just... He drove back. Underage drinking's five. This was fucking crazy. Please write this as a show.

This will be so much better than the Wonder Years. This is crazy. This is just... Could you imagine that? Would kids, like, fail their driver's test just so they could keep going with Mr. McGrath? Oh, this went on for my whole fucking sophomore in June. Oh, I would have failed every time. But my junior year, I had him on a string.

Okay? What happened? I knew what he? he did not. I knew that he did blow. I knew a lot of things. Do you think you could sense it when you first met him like there's something here? So one time I'm in the car with him and we're on 38th and Bergen-Line Avenue and meet him Meadowville as he used to call it.

He would always say to me, why are we going to meet him to meet him? And he knew, but he didn't know that I was going to get blow. You know what I'm saying? Like he knew, but didn't know he was going to get blown with your driver's head teacher to go buy cocaine. How old are you? I'm a sophomore. Between 16 and high school. I quit my senior year.

So I took them both years. What year is this? This is 80, 81. Now, everybody was hit to McGrath. If you got into the car with McGrath, you'd take it to the liquor store or the chase. Go get a grandma. But I took it to the deeper waters.

I got to the point where my junior year, I was using a double barrel of shotgun. That's a piece of glass, two little things that you put in your nose, and they're like a horseshoe, and they're connected by a glass with a spoon on the middle. So you stick the spoon in, you put the two things to your nose, and you go, it goes in your nose.

I'll never forget we're at a red light one time. Steve, did you ever use my nose? I got my seatbelt on. And all of a sudden, I take a little bend to the lap. And he's at the light, like, listen to the music. You know, people tap on the side. On the steering wheel, he's sat on the side. He's tab on the stairs.

Tats, cats, cats, people. And he's tapping on the stairs, like, life is beautiful. And he's looking, like, left. And all of a sudden, as he looks right, I got the mound of Coke on the glass, and I got both tubes. And I'm, like, I'm waiting for him to look at me. He looks over, and I go, and he goes, what the fuck is that? He goes, Jesus, fucking Christ, you're going to get, I died.

I fucking died. I died with the camel. After a while, I just call him the camel. behind his back. Another time I was in one of those be e-o-crum, and the car broke down. And he's like this. D-da-da-da-da-da-da.

And all of a sudden, some kid was walking across the streetwalks, somebody goes, hey, man, I think your car is fucked up. And he goes, thank you, genius. Fuck you. And he starts out of that. I'm all right. So I become tight with Mr. McGrath. This is

how we meet Driver Ed School. and I'm in Lomograff's kind of crooked, the whole fucking thing. I quit high school. I'd see him at different football functions. I'd see him at different bars. He always gave me a big hug. Then one morning he contacted me because a younger friend of mine cut his finger off. And we had to drive him to the hospital.

And that's how I became tight with him. I went to the hospital that day and we got talking. And he asked me about my mother, that there's something he could do, his father and this whole thing. And that was it. I knew he went out at night and I knew he got drunk. Yeah. Fast forward the fucking the day after graduating from high school,

I got a call from Camel Braddon and he goes, come on to my house. What really happened was we robbed this dude and we had this tremendous coke. And my buddy was in summer school, but to let him get out for the day, I had to go bribe the teacher. And then the teacher did blow. So I called the teacher and I gave him a piece of Coke. And he said to me, no, no, no, no, no, do me another piece. Make me a 40.

Let me get you on Friday. So I broke the piece. go, just give me a 50 on Friday. It's Monday morning. We pull my friend from class. I blackmail the teacher. Plus, I give him a rock. He's hanging out with the camel, so I know they're both partners.

So on Friday, I call fucking tea, and he goes, no, no, no, you got to collect from McGrath. So now I had never, ever dealt in cocaine or money with McGrath. But now I'm out of high school. It's the third day out of high school. Yeah. He calls me up, and he goes, come over, I'll give you the fucking money. When I walk in, he goes, you have to do something with somebody else and you end up paying for it. That's what's going on here.

He gives me a $50. Yeah. And I'm against my best judgment. I go, you know what, man? Did you like the Coke? Just to clear the air that he did Coke. Yeah. And he goes, it wasn't bad Coke, but follow me in my room.

This guy's a high school teacher plus a football coach. And driver's at Instructor. And driver at Instructor. They give them three checks. Great, great guy. We walk up into his bedroom He goes close the door behind you He pulls on his fucking sleeper

You know the thing next to where you sleep Whatever that's called Like the nightstand thing He pulls the mirror out of there Then he opens up a fucking closet He goes to the top of the closet And he puts down a fucking bag of blow like this big And he opens it up

He takes a spoon When he lays somebody goes do some of that Let me know what your shit was compared to that And I did two lines in this shit It was fucking off the chain. And he goes, I don't sell it. He goes, I deliver it for a guy. He goes, I know a Spanish friend, but he can't go to most white people's houses.

So I go with a suit on. And I go as a real estate guy, and I deliver an ounce or two at a time. And right there, he cracked me into what he did. But I still used to hit him up for blow all the time. But he was going. I was going crazy, but he was also going crazy. He would call me up at that time and go, take my car, go down, go down. the Pathmarked Liquors and get me a case of bud two bottles of tequila three bottles of whiskey

He was you know it was 82 everybody was hiding everybody was doing blow it was looking out windows at that point You know some people weren't at that level I wasn't at that level but he was but my most famous McGrath story is we robbed a gas station And we had big bills but a thousand dollar bills Dollar bills you know that yeah so we owed him money okay I owed him like a thousand bucks and I call him at three in the morning and he goes what the fuck do you want i go mr. mcgram hold on no hang on you're still calling on mr mcgrath yeah mr mcgrath hold on he goes what the fuck do you want i got cash for you he goes okay and i go i need a napeau and he goes 300 cash right now i can't front you he goes you got any money to take off

the tab i go i'll give you an extra hundred on top he goes done be on my corner in two minutes first he told me he had no blow we had it down the jersey show we're ready to fucking It's three in the morning, dog. We're juiced up. We got maybe a gram left. We're driving all night. And then when we land, we're going to a party. Maybe there's a guy down there with an eight ball.

We didn't know that. We just drive it down with us. Jesus Christ. I could have done 20 years for that shit in those days. And I'll never forget going to his house in a corner and give him. You know what 300 singles looks like? We gave him 400 singles. No, and it was loose in a brown bag.

So we handed it to him. He was like, Jesus fucking Christ. Thank you. You want to, like an hour later, I'd call him back. It's like, you cock, sucker, they were all dollar bills. It's going to take me two hours to count that fucking money. It was 400 singles in that fucking thing. Plus, we gave them those things to get across the Jersey Bridge.

The tokens. Or the tunnel. In those days, there were booklets. You could buy a booklet. We must have clipped fucking $3,000, those fucking things. I forget. I forget how many in that thing. It was a great summer.

It was a great fucking summer, dog. after high school. Great fucking summer. Wow. That's how you got to live. I wish it would have lasted. I wish nobody had to do time and we could do all that shit still. But that's how I met the camel. And that all goes back to the driver said. But his, the whole

prerogative of the story he said, he goes, if you ever want to piss off the police, run a stop sign. That's the first thing you'd say to you. Don't mess on stop signs. And as cooked up as he was and as drunk as he was till this day, I and listen to him to the T because he'd go, when you roll, they're going to get you,

you're going to go to jail. Yeah. Because he used to use it from the perspective is, you might have a gun in the car, or you might have a half a pique, a load coat. Never give him a reason to pull you over. Never give him a reason to pull you over. It's 35, you do 33. Who gives a fuck?

Yeah. You got a nice shirt on, and this guy never got arrested. He used to go to all. In fact, like in July of that year, we became chummy. Mm-hmm. When I really liked him, he liked me, and I could be trusted. I knew that side of the world and people knew that I knew it. They just asked, don't repeat it to our kids.

We know that you know our kids. He took me to this party one there. It was in West New York, New Jersey, one of those tall buildings. A lot of fucking, like, these different type. It wasn't like the Ritzie type of white people today. It wasn't like that. It was just a bunch of guys his age. And he went in there and he dropped off below, but the guy gave him something.

And the people were really nice. They asked me if I wanted a line of Coke. In those days, when somebody offered you a line of Coke, it was like somebody was giving you $20. Nobody ever came up to you that and said, do you want to do a line? Because it was $20. Wow.

A line was $20. Listen, the gram of Coke was $100 fucking. When placed a show, that's, and you didn't even know it was going to be good or it was going to be fucking bad. When placed a show, you didn't know whether this money was going to be, this Coke was going to be really, really, really, really, really, really fucking good.

Or like, cut already. Gotcha. It's a hundred fucking bucks. So when you had a hundred, you know, and you would buy half grams in those days. You know how big a half gram is? Uh-uh. Let me tell you what a half gram is on fucking paper. Just so you see what a half a gram is.

Okay, a half a gram of Coke looks like that. Yeah, that's two 20s right there. That's a 20. Each side is a 20. So if you did that, How long would you be high for? When I first started doing blow, that would take me from 9 o'clock until 2 in the morning, and I would go home, jerk off 10 times and go to sleep.

Like, nothing happened. So for everyone listening, he just basically had a pile and ran his fingers for it and made two. It looks like big lines. I'm not sure. It doesn't even look like it would fill a packet of sugar. See, in those days, I could do a line like this all night long. These little lines, I could do 52 of these all night fucking long. All night long.

Is that a bump or no? In those days, that was a line if you weren't an animal. You went to a party, you know, you were talking to people. You would be drinking. If you went to a party and you were talking to people, you had to be drinking beer. Okay. Because the beer would make you, the cocaine burns through the beer. If you went to a party and started hitting scotch early on to numb the Coke,

then you'd get fucked up because you're always chasing every line with a scotch. It's a fucking nightmare. And then once you run out of coat, the scotch and everything you drank from the night comes to a halt and that's when you fucking pass out, Chad, like a fucking,

a tree. That's the one. I've only ever seen it once. And it was like the first party I ever went to here. And it's still, it's scary. I don't think God. You didn't do it.

God bless you. You're happy. Listen, we eat a thousand milligrams of stars and everybody goes home happy. Yeah. You live to tell another. fucking story okay. Anybody want you know, I've had people send

emails and say what the fuck are you guys doing with your life? You know what, man? What would you rather me do? What would you rather me do? I tried to drink. Yeah. For God's sake, I really wanted to be part of that culture. Not to lose a part of the culture. Right. But I love to know what an IPO is in a

fucking glazed beard. I like to be able to know about that shit and go down there and taste three beers. Listen, as bad as I'm craving a beard down there, when I go to those places, it's 10 minutes. Once the beer is over, we could talk anywhere. We could talk in front of 7-Eleven, at least

have entertainment, have that old fucking lady. We put the lights in her eyes. And she starts yanna. There's no teeth. Get the fuck out of here. And then we'll give her money. She won't take Lee's money and shit. That really happened? Yeah, we drove in, we were in front of 7-Eleven. She was just yelling at her car. We were just sitting there for like five minutes.

She was just yelling at us. I tried to give her money. And she just kept, like, talking and staring. It was not good. But I did something. Speaking about stop signs. I've only done it twice in my life, and it's still the scariest thing that I've ever done driving, running a red light by accident. Like, you think you're going to make the yellow

and you just miss it, and you just keep going. I always think I'm going to kill someone or like your cops right there. It's terrifying. Listen, I'm going to lie to nobody. That was a time, dog, when if I didn't feel like I, I wouldn't stop her red. Like that last shot of red. Then I started looking at people. Looked how annoying

it looked. Like, what you're telling me is fuck you. Yes. Like that's what you're telling me. I'm going to make the left here. And you know you're way gone past the red. And you want to go and stop traffic because you're that fucking important. And one of these days, that's everybody in society.

Believe it or not, you're going to hit somebody at 2 in the afternoon and somebody's going to be in the back seat and it's going to catch up with you. So now when I see a yellow, I just fucking stop. Listen, if you're right there, the thing turns yellow, you know when you can make that yellow. And you know when you can. We're not fucking retarded here. We all know what it is. Yes. There's little things, guys.

I'm an asshole. I'm in a criminal. But I will tell you one thing. I always knew for the last 30 years that if you lose your license in this country, you ain't worth shit. Oh, you'd be dead in a little. And I've said it over and over and over and over. I was at that ice house fucking Friday night. and you sit by the bar

and you got the TV screens and the wait staff is very nice to you. It's great club. And the bartender and you're foaming from the mouth for a white Russian. You're foaming from the fucking mouth for a white Russian

or Colorado Bulldog or a fucking, you know, a fucking doer's on the rocks. You're foaming from the fucking mouth. But you know when you make that left on the 134, there's always a fucking highway patrol there. And you know that once you're going to

30, 134 after you've had a drink, you know that those cars are doing a lot quicker than what you think they're fucking doing. Absolutely. When you're trying to get in that left fucking lane and shit and cars are flying by you. And you know what? What happens? You make it all the way to fuck home. They get pulled over.

The cops smelled the weed from 10 years ago. When I had weed in the glove compartment, I get pulled over. They give me a breathalyzer. Were you drinking? I had a white rush and all of a sudden, there I go. Yeah. I'd say 10 Gs. 10 G's in cash effort and fucking time

Absolutely You know That's why I don't smoke in the fucking car league That's why I don't do nothing At night people come up to me Let's get high I gotta drive up fucking Laurel Canyon God forbid somebody misses their lane

It hits me And the cop goes Are your eyes red? Yeah because I smoke With some fucking knucklehead at the comedy store No dog No I don't fuck around at night Because that's when they're looking for it

You know it's where they're not looking for it Listen Kenison wrote a joke about If you don't drink and drive, drive on fountain. Yep. People are still driving on fountain. I don't drink and drive when I drive on fountain. Me too. Just a principal.

I just love fountain. I've always loved fountain. Fountain is a street below, Sunset Boulevard between Santa Monica Boulevard. And it runs west to whatever the fuck east. Yeah, from like Las Siena. Yeah, all the way to fuck up. Dodgers standing in.

And it's two lanes. Sometimes it's four lanes. There's a part where there's kids standing out there. There's a fucking old school acting school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it makes the people stand out there four in the afternoon and 100 degree heat and tell lines. And usually people yelling at each other

and doing exercises like fucking Pokemon people with those fucking knuckleheads. It's a goddamn nightmare. That video you tweeted was crazy in Central Park. Did you see that? It's just, no, no, no, no. We're living in a... That's the shit that scares me.

You know, it's not the fucking nuclear weapons. It's not Trump's wig. None of that shit scares me. You know what scares me? that people would go that fucking far. Listen, you want to sit in the train and play Pokemon on your phone, that's one thing.

But they'd be jumping around and bumping into each other. Two years ago, they were zombies. These are the same fucking idiots that were watching that fucking show and going to festivals and putting ketchup on their faith and trying to scare each other.

Festivals put ketchup on them. Festivals for fucking morons. That's all it is. That's all that is. If you're an adult and you went to one of those things, I got to take a stripe off you. I got to take a stripe off you.

And if you get hit by a car, I can't send flowers. It's obligated. You're a fucking idiot. It's something from, you know, we live in this time. You try to really be a fucking nice guy, you know? I was telling you that the reason why I wanted to talk to you today was because of something that happened to me last week. I went to lunch with a friend of mine who brought his friend,

and we were talking about benefits and why people don't do them and why I had to stop doing them. Yeah. Because I always felt like people getting scanned. Yeah. It's weird that now you're doing something that's just beautiful. Yeah. That you put together as a grassroots movement.

Yep. On your own, it's not something that you haven't involved James Cameron and Sophia Loren and fucking Barbara Streisand. No. Well, by the way, tickets are going on sale. We're going to see Barbara Streisand. We're renting tuxedos. Renting. We're buying. People want to see Baba Streisand.

Where's she playing? The fucking, whatever, downtown. Tickets, a thousand. Wow. Thousands lead to see Barber Streisand. Do you know why? She's Barbara Streisand? What's the square root of Streisand?

I don't know. She's a Jew. Her tickets, like the cheap tickets, like she out did like her tickets. Right. Like she said, let me know. what the highest link is, $6,000. Bam, give me $10,000. Wait, is this resale?

Is this like Stubhub, or is this like her prices? Listen, I don't know if you know this. Boba's Trash and don't even know what Stubhub is. She knows one thing, okay? Three Mexicans show up about 15 minutes before she takes the stage. And then give them fucking four bags of money. It looks like bodies are in them. The three poor Mexicans got to make like eight trips.

They got to get the hand cart. They got to call the cousin. The other cousin got a call with a fucking other cousin. You know, three bags that look like body bags filled with yardsticks. Wow. Go on with. Just see what Barbara Streisand wants for the tickets at the Staples Center. Let's just see what the fuck she wants.

I eat at this place and there's a gay waiter and he's the best. He entertains me. I love him with all my heart. He looks like what's the guy that lives underwater and he's a fucking cheeseburger or something? SpongeBob? Yeah, he looks just like one of the characters on SpongeBob. Even Mercy called him that once. I almost lost my mind.

Whatever the fuck he is. So he came up to me first. He goes, I would never ask you. I know you're into the entertainment business. He goes, I really want to go see the other one. What's the chubby one that's really funny? I like it too. I saw years ago.

Bet Miller? Bet Miller. And I go, you know what? He goes, Jesus Christ. these tickets are expensive. Hit me, Lee. Hit me for Staples Center. Let me check here.

Yeah, yeah, the lowest is 99. Okay. It goes up to 510. Five-10. Five-10. Yep. Yup. And I'm a tell you.

Who can afford to live anymore? I'm sure that's not like, $500 for a concert ticket. And I'm not here to insult nobody. I'm going to tell you who pays the $510, the richest. Jews in Hollywood Because God forbid

Barber's try and say Peek over and your Jew ass ain't there I dare you get ahead Don't show up and pay the 510 To my motherfucking tickets she already knows She knows you know what I run with a About fucking maybe

64 Jews I want I want a hundred and 90 tickets At 510 out of respect Wow Because those seats are not going to go to blacks or Cubans or regular fucking white people. No. They're going to rich fucking Jews that can't.

These Jews don't even leave the house, dog. They got butlers. They don't even leave the house. And I'll probably buy like 20 of them. You think I'm kidding you. That's why she does that. Yeah. She says she knows that if you want to have to talk to Babs,

you best be paying the $510. Yeah, it's a whole other level. Just out of respect. It's like a respect thing. This is my value. This is my backyard. I get it. I see you motherfuckers in Beverly Hills.

Yeah. You know, she demands like a big ticket here. But anyway, sorry about Barbara Streis. I just want to tell what you? You got a little bit. What about like a sweet? How much do you think those are going for? There's no sweets.

There's no. In fact, the people, listen to me. Again, the gay way to tell me this. You got an inside information. People who have yearly sweets, that's one of the shows. There's no sweets because she wants dog. Big money. Big month.

Like already Jews are flying in from Israel. Like, if you're Jewish and you're real, you have to be there. You have to be there. This 5-10 is nothing. Like, they're going to go backstage later on, dog. You know what that's worth in Hollywood? Yeah. You have any idea that the front row is going to be Tom Hanks,

Steinbrenner, not Steinbrenner, God rest of his soul. Spielberg. What's his name? Spielberg. Spielberg. That's opening night. Like, opening night, L.A., It's going to be the who's who with Beverly Hill.

It's like what's a tautro. Yeah. If you can put a tuxedo on and sneak into the first three rows, people will come up to you and give you a business card. Call me on Monday. I have a property. I love for you to look at it. You know, who are you?

I'm a comedian. My management firm is looking for the first comedian. Who's your other client? We have Harrison Ford and the estate of Marlon Brando's assigned. Because you're just sitting. It's like when Joe Furrier Fort Muhammad Ali. Yes. But they said the who's who was there.

Woody Allen was there with me, a Farrow. You know, just to be there alone, just for the camera to hit you. Right. That's it. Somebody at home was like, hey, put them in a movie. Hey, do something with you. That's why those people mug up for the cameras when you watch them in those events. You know what I'm saying?

And it's weird because I think a lot of people just right under me probably only know her from like the meet the parents and like maybe that movie she did with Seth Brogan. She just one movie every like four years now. Oh, yeah. See, yeah, because, you know, she's like an Elton John. You guys hear Elton John once in a long ago, did you ever see her, John? I don't know what the fuck these people are talking about. Lee Syatt and most people that are under 30 or maybe under 40 do have no idea who. By which I said.

Who Elton John was. El John is just that fucking powerful. You know, there was a time from maybe six. 70 to 76, that he was unstoppable, gentlemen. 77, I think he went all the way to 81. I think something like that. He was just unstoppable. He had an HBO special that would air all the time when I was kid.

He was like an Donald Duck outfit or something, playing the piano in Central Park. Yeah, he was crazy. Just craziness. You know, he had the fucking song in the Who movie, you know, pinball wizard, you know, he was just guys, he was everywhere. It's tough to fucking explain for a, For a guy like me, I hear John, and I got to stop.

I got to stop, take a breath, and go, Jesus Christ, I was so lucky to be alive during this shit. Like, I was, I could tell you where I was. I could tell you when I listened to it, I could tell you what the song meant to me. Wow. You know, when you were like eight and when I was 10 or 11, you have these little crushes in school.

And once you heard that song of your song, you know, that little Eza and all that shit, you weren't crazy. You wanted to give the, you would buy the, 45 and shit and at the dance bring it to the dance with your little shirt on and slip into this shit. That was like telling the chick I want to hook up

with not hook up when you're at that age but like hold hands and I'll walk you to get a slice of cheese pizza. You bring her the song you thought about? That's a brilliant move. Well that's the 70s. That's Match.com before the match.com. That's how you talk to a girl when you were at

that age. Why did you approach a girl when you were shy too? I didn't. And I always I had the same thing. I'd always have a song would make me think about a girl that I was in love with who never talked to me once.

So you would buy the single and give it to high at school. Or make a mixtape. Or make a mixtape. Yeah. And give her what you felt. The best. Fucking embarrassing as shit to be a kid.

I still remember being in the sixth grade and my friend's making me ask this girl, Davies Rodriguez out. I still remember the words, the conversation. Like, I was going to take it to the there was a vendry. machine next to this hotel

where they had crack hookers before crack like they just had dirty hookers and there was a vending machine and you have to be a big shot to go to the vending machines like that was out of school territory exactly they used to be like those crossing guards with the orange on and they had like orange and there was like two

regular patrolmen one and then there was a lieutenant in our neighbor it was Vinny Negli he was retarded God rest of stone he's dead now he got hit on something happened but when we were kids he jumped off his balcony and landed on the rhubon when it went through his neck. So we used to call him swivel neck.

It was fucking terrible. And years later, but he became a fireman. But he was always a geek, one of those dudes that took it seriously. Yes. He would like stake out by the hotel with leaves on his head. Come here, you. And we'd have to run from video negligent. So you were talking about charity.

Yeah, we were talking about charities in general, how I just got really turned off. I always, when I was a kid, I used to. every year I think when I first moved to Jersey which I was 10 somebody turned me on to this because of a t-shirt I liked a T-shirt

and it was the American Heart Association and you would go and you would jump athon or something no no no you would go sign people up and then pledge a nickel a mile and you would have to go to Hudson County Park on May 5th and walk miles and for any for every mile you walk you got a fucking nickel

so if you walk 10 miles you got 50 cents. Right. And if you got a certain amount, you got like a T-shirt or whatever. So I went for the fucking T-shirt. I went low. And I meant,

I did that, and I didn't give a fuck about giving up the money. I even gave them extra, I think. My mom told him, give me an extra 20, you know. I was always raised to be a charitable person. And I'm not going to lie to anybody. I was one of those suckers who sent money

to the black dude with the flies from Sally Struthers. Oh, yeah. I just, that visual always fucked. Heartbreaker. And then I was always a, type of guy, you know, I know what it's like to be down and out and to be busted. And from time of time, a 20

will save a person's life. 100%. Well, I first few met Steve Simone. If you handled us a 20, we'd jump up and down for 10 fucking minutes. That was a, that was two sandwiches. And not eating. That was two sandwiches from Pink Dot. It's the biggest difference there is. That Rose Feet sandwich

from Pink Dot, you turned me on that. The meatball sub. Not bad. They had a couple fucking sandwiches in there. They're pretty solid. They had good bread over that. Yeah, they did. So you know what charity is about and stuff. Then I was living in Seattle. I was on probation. And I was a comic.

I was a striving comic. And one day a friend of mine turned me on to this fundraising stuff. And they give you a pamphlet. You go in there and they have Police Benevolent Association. Okay. And I went in there. And I caught on. It's a hustle.

You know? How you doing? Good morning. Mr. Lisa. I had Joey D. is here for the Police Benevolent Association. What the fuck do you want? Now, I'm not calling you from the police. a Malacin Association.

Did you know that Lee when they call you? That's not the police benevolent association. Oh, just some guy? That's a subcontract. It's the worst. It's the worst, okay? So right off the bat, Mr. Sayyap, I see that you have the church where what's happening.

And now, what we do is this. We have a consumer guide that goes out to 2.4 million people in the North Hollywood Studio City, Ventura Boulevard area. Even Sherman Oaks. It comes on a monthly level. It gets released in the three weeks. It's beautiful. It's 8 by 10.

Black and white. We'll send you a copy also. Okay, so what do you want for me? Well, here's the fucking deal. A quarter page is 300. A half a page is 600. You know, and it just goes on it only. Well, let me talk to my business partner.

And then three days later, you got another call. How are you doing, Lisa? Pete Balzano from fucking PBA. Are you interested? Now only something else, Lee, we forget to tell you that. We're going to give you a sticker for you to put on your door. If there's ever a problem, when the cops come over and they see that sticker, don't notice that you supported our association.

And we're going to send your next one for your car. Every once in a while, we all get fucking a little heavy-footed, okay? We'll send you a sticker. You put in your back window, and there you are, Joe Schmo, and you go, okay, give me the air for $300. Okay, give me your address. Is it six or because we get printed ads? People already tell you everything about Lysayat. And he goes, is this 6400 Benevolent Association?

Yes, it is. We'll send somebody over there to pick up a check on fucking Friday. So you have to wait for Friday until 5 o'clock to all your checks to come in. And they add them up and they give you 30% of the take. Unbelievable. All right. So I never knew about this. I thought that, you know, whatever.

And one day the guys like, you don't work for no police, Belize, and you work for us. We fucking push that shit fundraising in the front and we push something else in the back. Windows or something like that. The day that you responded to my message and said, yeah, let's meet. I had an interview at a, like,

they called it like a Democratic fundraising place and it was a huge office on Wilsher Boulevard, which is not inexpensive. And they said it ran all day. Like, I didn't go. because you thankfully messaged me back but it was like that how much money do you think they're spending

on office space? Yeah it's the scam on top of the scam because you have those subcontractors that call on behalf of Dave lists of charities so they let's say I heard the police benevolent association doesn't even know that these

things are on okay because now when you call these people back there's people like Lee Syatt that I can convince but there's people like Steve Simone, then I go, by the way, I call because what those says is there a number, I could call you back. Yeah. And it's just a general number.

Right. And when they answer, they go, police, you follow me. So it's general. But people like Lee Syatt go on Yelp. You know, he has a business. He wants to make it work. I need a fucking pay an ad to this shit. It's just shakedown, but I'll do it.

It's not even a police shakedown. It's just three fucking idiots. like us because they get 30% of whatever they fundraised so they want to get the most money they they don't even give that years later i bumped into their brother and he right here in sunset the brother pulled over and he goes do you remember me i'm like oh shit and we started talking he goes yeah you were going to come back i go man i moved down here things started happening you know he goes yeah they were going to give you and me in office they really this guy was a good dude to me he was a really good dude to me he taught me a lot about that shit

And years later, he was like taking like I was. He found out years later that let's say they get $10,000 a week, they would give $5. Oh, my God. To some cop thing. And they had nine different scams going at once, Police Villan Association, Vest Association, you know, the Cops Teeth Association, the K-9 Association, the Mountain Rescue Police Division, the med division, you would be calling all day from different divisions, and even you would go, what the fuck? So at the end of the week, if I got a thousand bucks and ads, they give me 300 bucks.

So who's making money? I mean, I just didn't get it anymore. And all these three guys that ran this office, you should have seen their cars. You should have seen how they dressed. Rich. They were filthy rich. So that always gave me a bad taste. So like when there was the earthquake in Philippines I gave a Filipino offering of my 500s that you know it's just something about the whole game that always gave me a bad that is White Cliff

John robbed his own charity it's terrible you know they accused people every couple years well I haven't been like I've been small don't anything there but nothing really that big but what I have been able to do is donate clothing yeah and I looked and you really have to be careful where you donate

clothing like stuff like goodwill makes like multi-million dollar profits off of this stuff because they're opening stores. Yeah, their CEOs making like a million dollars a year. And they have no, they don't have to pay for any inventory because they're getting it all donated. So it's like I had to look and like I had to ask people like where do you go donate clothes? They're actually going and helping people. I got a spot.

Okay. Where did you go? There's a kid that works the door at the comedy store now who's a veteran and there's a homeless shelter. There's a homeless outreach for people that have served our country right in Hollywood. So I brought four bags of clothes down to the comedy store and he took him straight there. He said he put the stuff out Monday night after the open mic at the comedy store was gone by Tuesday morning. Yeah, I'll give you some stuff before we move. Because then you know directly who it's going to and it's people that need it.

You know, you take, I'm sorry, Lee, go ahead, my brother. Oh, no, it's just, it's, um, and Joe, I mean, you were a criminal for most for a large portion of your life. I just don't understand how how people are able to turn off that part of their mind where they don't feel bad about that. It just, it's... It's called loopholes in the law. They can't even get really sued in a way

because they could show at some point that they have donated to that thing. Correct. That they call on the false pretences, it's a thin line. It's a thin line. You know what I'm saying? Unless that consumer tape,

that phone call. Yeah. Or he initiates the contact. Or they say, yeah, we did raise this money, but we have expenses. We have to pay for this. We have to pay for this. We have to pay. So we take our expenses.

We're a non-profit, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's what's always bothered me. Yeah. That if I donate 1699 to the ASPCA, those dogs are really going to get three fucking dollars a month. Right. $3 for a bag of, it don't last. That means you're going to kill the dog in two fucking days.

Yeah. I just never understood that. You've taken it. to a different approach. And I've been watching it. You know, I can't get blood, dog. You know, I just had no surgery. They missed the vein.

One, two, three, and then the fourth time they got it. Steve, my underwear were fucking drenched. Wow. With just sweat, body sweat. Like, my body just goes into fucking shock. Yeah. For you, I do anything, you know. It's just funny.

how you've made this fucking thing growing. And I've had eight or nine people talk to me about this. How did it start? What was the brainchild of this? What happened? What's it called, first of all? It's called regular hero. Regularhero.org.

And it was kind of like divine intervention how I found these guys. Because I went down to Children's Hospital a year ago for a blood drive. And I always wanted to help. You know what I mean? You want to help. So I went, all right. I don't go down for a blood drive. And I met a guy down there named Raoul that works in the blood bank.

And the guy, great guy. And two days later, he calls me up. He'd seen some of my videos on YouTube. And he goes, I had no idea I was talking to the Steve Simone when you came down for the blood drive. He's breaking my balls. And he was like, in all honesty, you're funny. I think you could make some of these kids smile. He goes, that's why I do what I do.

I just want to make them smile. I was like, all right. He goes, you want to come visit some of these sick kids? I said, absolutely. He goes, all right, go to the toy store and meet me. I go, I'll come down right now. So I went down the children's hospital, went on a tour. And he was like, the reason why I'm doing this, he goes, I want you to make the kids smile.

But he goes, it's also important that you see where your blood goes. He goes, you're going to do a blood drive for us. It's important that these kids get this. It changes their life. So I show up at the hospital, I got my toys. And then he told me, if you're going to, to cry, cry down here. He goes, what you can't do is not cry in front

of these kids. So he goes, I brought up guys that were football players, MMA fighters, boxers. He goes, I've seen hard guys. Lose it in front of the kids. He goes, so if you're going to do it, get it out of your system. So I went there, and the first kid I met was a little four-year-old kid

that was getting a bone marrow transplant. It's tough. So, long story short, I go on the rest of the tour. Me and that little guy, for whatever reason, He clicked. His mom called my buddy Raulul Tuley's later, and he said, little Stephen keeps on asking for that comedian guy.

And is there any way he could come with it? You know, the kid's not laughing. He's not smiling. Can he come by? And I did. And I got close to the family. And I would go, visit the kid four or five days a week, started to get more involved down at the hospital,

met another kid who was a teenager who had cancer at another blood drive. And it turned out that his, his mom had just, his mom had just beat cancer. And, uh, but they lived so far away, they couldn't afford to come visit the gate. They couldn't afford the gas. So the children's hospital takes them for free. I don't know how it works. Right, right. I don't know.

I just see the ads. Yeah, I don't know how it works. There's brilliant people down there that do a great job. I got, I found out what they need. I go, okay, they need blood. I'll help them with the blood. By doing that, I started to meet some of the families that were falling through the cracks, the families. They didn't have money to go visit their kids. They didn't have money. One family

was going to be homeless. There was another family they needed a wheelchair. So I started to go, all right. Well, at Christmas, I knew I wanted to help out as many people as I could. Bill Burr got behind it. We raised like $15,000 in two days. We got a truckload of toys donated. We handed out toys to all the families. We made sure the one family wasn't going to be homeless. We took care of the other kid and it feels good so uh i met this guy uh named john mickle at regular hero and he goes what we do is we just want to empower people like yourself to keep on doing this changing the world one person at a time like you don't have to save everybody but what can you do to just create smiles to get out there and make it better and he was like you could pay for the attorney you could

get the accountants because it takes a lot of money to start your own nonprofit. Or you could come under our wing more or less. We'll help you raise money and you can continue to do what you do. And that's what I've been doing. So we know every dollar that we raise, we know exactly, it goes directly to these kids. It goes directly to their families. How is the family qualified? Everybody.

Like, this is the greatest thing about regular hero. Brett Ernst was stopped in at a, I don't know if I should say this. he just literally saw a woman crying and was like felt compelled that he had to go talk to her turns out her husband just passed away and she couldn't afford to get her car fixed so we found out about it got a mechanic to go over there and fix her car like it's just it's very grassroots i don't know what the hell i'm doing it's just everybody that's been put in my path i go okay this is the person i guess i'm supposed to help and that's what i'm doing personal regular hero does all kinds of other stuff they go to uh kids in these like prison in boot camps and teach them art. They go to homeless shelters downtown. I told them about the homeless veteran shelter. They're like, okay, what do they need? Toilitary socks, we'll go get it.

They're going to clean water in Central America. They're doing all kinds of amazing things. I'm just happy to be a very, very small part of it. And I'm just helping as soon as I find out somebody needs help, I just try to help them.

Like Gabriel O'Glazius is going to do a fundraiser for us in August. He's got a hard gold that guy. And there's a comedian. I don't know if you know Luis Rivera. Poor kid was born with cerebral palsy. He's in his wheelchair. Then he gets hit by a drunk driver. I'm not making this up. For the last year, he's been trying to get a wheelchair. So I know when we raise the money with the Gabriel show, I'm taking money right off the top and I'm getting Luis's new wheelchair. I know exactly where it's going to. And that's it. I'm proud of you, Steve, Simone. You're a good fucking Catholic. I'm just... You're the real deal. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I don't know. It's very uncomfortable to talk about because so many... No, and I... Do stuff like they are douchbags. No, no, no. And that's what I love about you. That's why I love it by you, you know, like a Jehovah Witness, knocking on fucking people's doors spreading the goodness you're doing.

You keep it to yourself, you mind your business. I've just heard it from a few people. You called me the one time I was out of town. Yeah. Hopefully your next one I could do it for you. That would be amazing. And, no, I love you, Steve Simone. I love that you're doing this.

You know, like I said on the way here this morning, I was thinking about the growth that we've been here together. I bring a lot of comics on here that I've seen out here for years. At one point, you start believing in them, and they believe in you. You're a connection at some point, you know what I'm saying? So it's really nice that these are the things that you're doing for an outlet. You know, we all have different outlets. Yes.

They don't have to discuss just to show people you're a nice guy. You helped monks in Southeast Asia. You're cool. You donate everything. month, you know. There's always people that try to out-donate your fucking cause, you know what's up with you, Dr. Lee? Everything all right over there?

I'm doing great, man. You are doing good. You're going to play some fucking Tony Bennett this Monday. Absolutely. Here we go. I don't think they're going to let's play it. Not letting you play. Give me two seconds. We are having technical

difficulties. Please hold on. There was a time when the TV would do that shit to you and then the clock would Oh yeah Do you remember there was a time we were really good? You hated it you're like oh this is the worst Now it's like direct TV

The fucking current Oh we're so blessed right now It's so easy to live now It's not but you didn't get those interruptions Unless the world was gonna end You were getting bombed by China Or you remember when the president would come on TV And talk and was on every channel

You're like oh The thing that kills me the most is when you go to New York There's still places that you walk there on the Upper West Side and all over Why should I say? And you can still see the bomb shelter side.

And I always wondered that that's where I always When I was a kid I couldn't wait for the bomb to hit so I could move to the shelter and never come out. Like I'm a bunk down there. Go ahead and Lee hit it.

The fuck, Lee, you're sitting there. There you go. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when Somebody breaks your heart Some somebody Twice as smart

As I A somebody who Will swear to be So next Saturday Myself and Steve Simone Scududu First of all, why Steve Simone's here I want to give a shout out to the main man right now

Talking Laugh and his little young son he's probably sitting there in 119 fucking heat he can't turn on the air conditioner because it sets him back 42 every three fucking hours he always every time

he talks the talking way you should move to Vegas yeah right so I could fucking die of heat over there blazing hot blazing people can't even jump in their pools because the pool is 90 fucking degree why jump in your own fucking pool

you're done you're done that's fucked up yeah Vegas is beautiful was nine hands and the same. The electric bills as much as your brand. Yeah, that three months is fucking brutal. You're getting in your car walking. Anywhere you go.

You're 116 on a fucking daily. You know, one 10 is just fucking. Like one 10 is like tomorrow, like nothing. And you get to adjust and live like that. It's fucking insane. And he's trying to fucking say, we're going to get hit by a bomb in the earthquake. Listen, when the big man presses that button,

we're all going down anyway. So who gives a Frenchman's fuck Jack? But a big shout out to my brother talking to land His young son and stuff like that. AJ. AJ, thank you. Hi, buddies. Look at Lee.

He's fucking Wikipedia all of a sudden. So is this your first time in Oklahoma? I did a show for the military there once years ago. Okay. Yeah. It's my first time to this part of Oklahoma. Yeah, Ari went there and Aari said he loved it, that the girl was great, that the girl was really into comedy, you know.

That's a court McCown's from Oklahoma And he told me it's a great gig Yeah That it's a great gig that they treat you like a king And I'm excited I love all that shit I'm loving comedy again guys That's great

This times You know what I'm saying Yes You ever have that in comedy I need that for this Like I'm kind of sick of it right now Yeah I'm not getting those spots with fresh crowds

I'm going up late at the store After they've seen 10 murderers I can't do the type of stuff I want to do I'm just looking forward to I got to tell you something, Steve, Samoa. That sometimes is a gift in itself. Oh, it makes you so much better. That when you in the back of your mind are sitting back there going, you know what?

I'm losing three minutes right off the bat because I know they already heard a joke about this. And I know they already heard of joke about that. And I know they already heard of joke about this. So I'm taking that shit out of my fucking obituary. And I'm going to go up there at one 18. in the fucking morning to 60 people. Yep. That could be rocked.

Yep. But those motherfuckers, you got to dig deep in your soul, throw your material away. Absolutely. And just go at them. I'm really good at those people, only at the store. If I'm down there some night and it's one and they're like, you only go up and there's 32 people, I would go up just to try that still.

Yep. I got really, really good at that. at one time. Oh, that's when I fell in love with you. It was like, oh, you're the funniest person in the world. Sometimes those 1245 spots, they make you a different type of comic, which means that you go up there and you know that before your hand touches that microphone, it's 99% what's coming out of your mouth.

You're coming out with a vengeance. That's all that's going to wake them up. For the last 30 minutes, everybody in that room wants to get up. they want to get up. Yes. But you know what? They're thinking about it. This might be interesting.

Yep. And then at that point, they see this guy going up and they say to themselves, this guy might be interesting. And all of a sudden, you go up there and whip them up out of a fucking coma. When you go off that stage,

there's no stopping. There's only one problem. There's nowhere else you go to a spot. It's 140 in the fucking morning. You're doomed for the night. But you have no idea how strong you get. But at the same time, it brings you down to,

wait the people who could do those spots in those days i would because i was up to get coke anyway they did me a favor i mean make 15 bucks or i'm up here anyway they spent 20 yeah a bag of fucking powder so if you had a really good set in your mind you'd like to go do three more sets like it just ride the way oh please saturday night i went to the fucking storm main room and leveled them and then i went to the ice house and they had a big bag of fucking dicks isn't that weird about comedy we're weird Friday night and I said at the ice house great time I get to try some new jokes and different angles same fucking deal man listen you just go up there and you got to catch an energy I agree and you got to catch a wave most important you got to be loose that's why when you shoot a special

you shoot two shows because the first one's going to roll the dice but you're going to get some footage from it yes they could use something from it a view a look a pop a peep a poop pop pop pop pop poop, you're going to forget something. By the time the second one comes, that audience is fired up and you're fired up. And once those two energies collapse, you know, crash together, it flows. And you get your breathing going,

and you're doing your stepping, and your high doom, bum, boom, it all comes together. You're not thinking anymore. Saturday early at the store, I just got him. The foot, by the time the foot went on the stage, I had them. I don't even know what I said up front.

Can't even fucking tell you, if I want it's but sometimes it's just your energy I learned something at the comedy store I learned how to use my energy that's everything I got to the point where it didn't matter

it came out of my mouth it didn't really matter it came out of my fucking mouth I machine gunned them for nine minutes and at that point they were fucking dying they were going back to sitting fucking tables you know I'd be dancing

singing those days science and to that I didn't give a fuck, Jack. It's 1245. I just followed Paul Mooney. They've heard everything. Everything. And you know what?

As Paul Mooney's walking off, not even giving you an intro in those days, and 60 people getting up, and there's 13 left. You know how bad you feel about yourself, Lisa? But guess what? The show must go on, cock suckers. And that's the beauty of comedy. And that's the lesson you get down. there's times I burn out down there it's tough it's a tough yeah because I've been getting those spots where they're still there physically they're just not there they're not checked in mentally

anymore like as soon as you go 90 minutes into that first 90 minutes of the first 90 minutes of I also wait a reminder of something I'm sorry to interrupt yeah I don't want that to get into your head also right because there is a time lapse at the store that nobody has except those clubs in New York there are people that go see Argus and Sarah, Tiana, early, and somebody else. Yep. And they do go in there from 9 to 10.30. Yep.

They get two and a half drinks, two drinks in the shot. And guess what? They're going to walk down to the roxy. Whatever the fuck is down the corner. I don't even know if the rocks is down the corner. I'm just saying, these guys. And then there's people who went to dinner. And Jesus, the coffee's keeping me out.

What are you going to do? I don't know. It's going to come. There's some fun comedians there. And now they're walking in that motherfucker. at 1045. Yes. And they'll stay for an hour and 15 at midnight.

And then guess who comes in at midnight? The staff. Yep. From the hotels, the bars. That's why the ORs met. That's why every spot at the OR is different because the vibe changes. The vibe is different. And then, yes, there's some people who are fucking,

what do you call those people, not foreigners, but tourists. They're going to go to a hotel room. they're from fucking New York they're gonna go to a hotel room and do what watch TV they can do that in fucking New York they're gonna stay out and they'll go down there and go guess what that dude that

wait a dude from Philly on let's wait for the dude from Philly and they'll wait fucking five hours and clap and yell just for you and there's just two of them they're the only ones that are getting your joke tell them about the bread I'm from South Philly and also they get involved

it's crazy nights where you don't even do material. That's the surprise effect of anything at the store from 12 o'clock to two. You really know what defense they're going to throw at you. You might have a plan, but that plan is going out the window. Absolutely. It's going out the window. That's why you like the OR, you can't work on a set in the OR. If you go up there with a game plan, it ain't going to work. You have to connect to that room and create in that moment every time. It's a really weird room. It's a really excellent room to come up. There's a lot of rooms like that. There's a certain freedom in the air as you go up there and do stay time. It's just great to see the growth that you hung in there, the people who you came up

with some of them had gone already. Yeah. And you're still here. And it's weird because Dice just did Coney Island Saturday. Oh, that's great. You know, and the pictures looked like he sold it out. 5,000 seats. God bless him. But he called in the odd day and then I went home and I still think of us three in Vegas it had to be 2001 2001 you know why because I remember he had a special jacket made up he had a red white and blue leather jacket made up and I went with him while he was telling the guy what he wanted that was 15 years ago ladies and gentlemen what the fuck were you doing 15 years ago me and steve simone were in Vegas or jim norton and bobby lee eating cold cuts from the fucking green room.

Yeah. Like it was like papillon. Like it was the first time we ever saw cold cuts in our life. When I walked into that green room and saw those cold cuts and that white bread and the mayonnaise and the pickles

and the onions, you weighed everything lean. You understand me? You didn't leave that hotel room and they used to give you 100 a night. Yeah for food. So you could order a room service

or get a bag of booze. I never did that. I got the room service and then I'd get a bottle of booze. and take it home. It's great. What are you going to do? You give the guy

next to $10 tip. So for 20, you get a fucking tremendous bottle of booze. So great. I'm the fucking home. That's how far back. I can't believe it's been 15 years.

You kept saying, I'm going to go back. This is terrible. Yeah, I hated it here. I was taking acting classes when I was tight with you back then. I was into the acting classes, and I would go in there and fuck them up.

I must have never seen anything like that. Well, the problem was, I was at the store. Yep. So here I am, there's cage down, I'm at the store, and I'm going down there,

and they're doing these scenes, and then they made you watch the movie and write down the words. Okay. And then you had to do that scene in front of everybody up in the fucking classroom. Mm-hmm. And in the back of your mind,

you had to do it as close as you could to the actor in that movie. That's what you thought. Yeah. And then you'd go in there, and he'd go, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I was.

I want. I still remember the first scene that motherfucker gave me. What was it? He gave me when Sean Penn visits a gangster Carlita's Way. Look at these hands. The first fucking scene I ever got an acting class was that scene. Wow. You must

have blew the doors off. They must have been like, what? It was like stealing. It was like, everybody got excited about it. I just thought I was like plagiarism. Like, there was nothing I could out to that scene except change it completely around

keep the words but change how I did it you see these hands you see these hands both of these hands I'm going to wrap these around your neck and then I'm going to throw you in that river and when you walked in here you saw that river that's where you're going to live

and I'm going to take your eyeballs out the eels and the fish you're going to live in your fucking skull that's what he was saying to him snap your neck like a breadstick there's already there's already a whole dug, the guys are ready to go, you're ready to go, we want the money you took from us. They wanted to play that, and that's how I played it. I'll never forget the guy pulling me over with him going, I got to tell you something.

I give that scene to somebody once a month, and I got to ridicule him for now. You came in here, and you did exactly what I wanted you to do. That's when I found out what they were talking about, about acting. I had no fucking idea. I had no idea that, you know, if they gave you a son, you know, if they gave you a son, scene for a Tom Cruise movie. I just watched the Tom Cruise movie and went and then did what Tom Cruise did. Right. Instead of making it

your own. Yeah. And then that was the fucking scene. That's the O-R. That was the scene. And then you know the second scene he gave me? That that's the scene that taught me a lot. That movie taught me a lot about acting a lot as far

as acting teachers were concerned. Because I started with Frank Magna. He covered that movie. Then I went on to the people who had the black chick that won the Oscar and the white chick that won the Oscar, the tall chick from the Italian job. Charlie Staddleman?

Yeah, they both won Oscars. And who's the black chick, Holly Berry? They both went. This was their acting coach. Her class is Thursdays at 8. It was called a Masterclass. I never made it to a master class. I went it to the intermediate class.

So the intermediate class, the second scene he gave me, which was a great scene. He gave me a fucking couple good scenes, man, to learn. He gave me something with Matthew Broderick one time that blew my fucking mind. Oh, the one with him and Marlon Branda. A freshman. But he made me play.

Broderick. That's great. Like, this guy was great. Yeah. And then, like, he, when we first met, he let me get comfortable with comedy. And then he goes, listen, everybody's going to hire you for a comedy,

and you got this down already. Let me get teacher drama. So for the next six months, I just did dramas with him. But one of the best scenes I had to break down, I wasn't good at it. Because the guy was too good to even turn around. It's like one of those songs that they cover, and you go, you're always supposed to do that. The old geezer from the movie with the four kids that go to prison?

Sleepers. Sleepers. That's the best, best scene when the eyeballs and the fucking Dustin Hoffman, he's got like five oh when he goes to see the black dude and talks to him about the fucking clothing and the hitman and the cops

that scene also it's really weird I've always thought about going back to acting class once a week the only problem we don't doing that is it's not practical anymore I don't go out on that many auditions

that's exactly what I did it's too 50 a month ladies and gentlemen it's 250 a fucking month to go one night a week. You know, these things, like when you come out here and you're 23 and your wide-eyed and bushy tail, let me tell you something. As long as be your bushy tail, you might as well fucking Vaseline your asshole.

Because they milk you for everything. For fucking. For fucking everything you have, ladies and gentlemen. Pictures used to cost people. Just between pictures and the fucking head shots and the fucking, oh, well, my friend has a friend that's a makeup and they'll do makeup for free for $150 fucking dollars. What is it? You just said three.

So I got to pay $150 to the makeup and $150 to fucking you. Forget it. You know, they milk you to death, Lee. And then they get you involved in these acting programs at Lee. Seminars. Lee, they fucking destroy you. What about that acting coach who was selling auditions for his show that he was also the casting director for? I don't even know who it is.

I can look it up. It happened a few months ago. He's selling auditions. He did, yeah. Oh, no, no, no, I don't know. No, I don't want to go to his class. No. That's a kiss of death.

on your resume selling auditions. Well, that's what they do. That's what they fucking do, man. They did, when fucking people, listen, they wanted, when I got here, they wanted 40 bucks to be an extra. And you had to pay. They're going to charge you?

40 to be an extra. And you had to pay up front and they paid you. Like, they would tell you, listen, we're going to get your 15 days of the Titanic on a hundred of debt. Just pay the 40. You could be in Mexico tomorrow morning and working on Titanic. They didn't tell you how to go down there

and wait online and starve. and you had a wait in Rosarita and fucking wait under the sun and shit, they only put tents up for the people who had worked in the film before. It's awful how bad some people get traded. Nobody fucking knew. Nobody fucking knew what was going on.

It's 100 degrees down there. You know, the Illinois Caprio's on the ship next to the ship with fucking slaves and people suck on his dick and shunning his toenails and shit. And everybody else is under a fucking tent. And I'll never forget this.

that I had met a casting director in Seattle who had always helped me out and gave me not low budget movies but in those days they were called you know it was like AT&T and I would have to move boxes in the background like an extra with an extra corporate or whatever and I'll never forget that she moved down here

and she became a talent coordinator which meant extras and I called around and I said talk to me and she goes here's the deal You come down here, you do this paperwork, they put you in a fucking tent, and they put you in another tent. Okay? And then they see what your type is, they close you up, and they put you in these scenes.

He goes, it is brutal down here, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's brutal. Since there's so many people to feed the shit, the food is kind of funky. I mean, it just went on and on and on and on. And I just wanted to see what it was like. But she was like, I could get in and think. And I go, but what would be the opposite? Like, you know, in the back of your mind,

ladies and gentlemen, when you come here, they tell you to be an extra, and that hopefully the director will like you and write you into the fucking script. Well, that's, you know, you got better chance going down and seeing Joe to him and getting a lottery ticket than fucking coming out of here

and doing that fucking route. So that was the sketch. That was the sale. That was the pitch. You know, go down there, do this and that. and maybe they'll fucking give you a job but it's still $40 a day they put you in a fucking cage

you've ever worked on this you've worked on a fucking set you've seen what extras go through it's not fucking pretty they get those people on studio audience oh oh you have no fucking ideally

like when you went to those game show audiences you sit in the section where you're real you're a tourist they put you up on top whatever half those people are extras. Yeah, they get paid to be there. Yeah. For the day, they have to sit and clap all day.

And what this is saying, the Hollywood reporter did a, like, an investigation. They said, like, people like this one guy did, you paid $1,500 for two of those workshops you did in hopes of getting a $1,000 co-star. So it's, like, I can't find the one. We talked about it. It was like six or seven months ago when one particular one came out. I can't find it. But the Hollywood Reporter did a whole thing on it.

It's just people are, there's a law that makes it illegal, but they're still doing it. Listen, here's the fucking basis. And let me tell you how this works, okay? And let me tell you how this works, and it's nice and fucking easy. Okay. So you're going to an acting class. You could be going to any acting class in Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. So if you decide to move out here, listen up.

So you sign up. You go to Steve Simone acting school. Steve has had roles in Maddox and all on the family. Lee and Stan any show that hasn't been on TV Steve, Steve, like he'll fucking hunt resumes down and make sure none of those shows are on fucking Wii TV on Channel 20 or Channel 3 in New York, nothing.

All those credits you see Lee or shows you've never even heard of. And Lee takes a picture with a nice headshot and it's, guess what, it's 2016. He could take a picture with fucking Joe Rogan and go, here's us on the set of Fear Factor. And Joe knows it don't about it. Nobody fucking knows about it. That's how easy your life goes on, okay?

They make up these false resumes. Now, there's people who do it correctly. What am I talking about? Okay, there's people who do it correctly here. They go into a fucking office, and they teach eight kids, and they charge you 200 a month. But then, guess what happens, ladies and gentlemen, every month they come to you, and they go, can I have your attention, please? This week we have, but here's the reality. of it, ladies and gentlemen. Let's pretend you live anywhere else except Los Angeles.

Okay? I'm talking about this excludes Chicago, New York, and whatever the hot market is right now. Every fucking metropolitan city runs a fucking ad from Jacksonville on to Georgia to Houston, Texas. Hollywood agents coming to your town. Bring your children down to meet a Hollywood agent. Your fucking kid claps backwards, his ear wiggles. He's got an eyeball that hesitates. He's half a momo in real life, but you don't see it because you're his fucking parent. He can sing, he could tap dance, he can play the piano.

You've coached him to sing songs because you sang in the choir at Harvard. You have no fucking ideally. And they take them down there, and the people, are like the fucking creepiest people from agencies in LA like just the creepiest agents and they go down that way and they look at your kiddly as ugly as he is

and they go you know what I don't cast in the right thought that's looking for your child right now no really that's his treat I think it's a day or all movie is another yes it is oh my god what do we need to do okay you need to get head shots yeah okay you need to get head shots

And then we need to get them to take another workshop. Well, won't the movie be done by that? No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to send him a tape. How can we do this, Steve Simone? Let's get him the headshots today. Listen, talk to the photographer outside, take the headshots and tell him to push you back to the front of the line

and come see me after you set the appointment. But when that poor family goes out there, those headshots are $600 or $3.95. Then you come back with this special thing, And they go, well, listen, how can we put them in a Denaro movie? We need to basically train them. We're coming back here three weeks from Saturday, and we're going to do a fucking workshop.

Steve here, Simone, has been in a thousand films. What films have you been on? Have you ever seen Blue Apron with fucking, with Johnny Bananas? Oh, you did look familiar. Yeah, I'm the fireman. Oh, my God. Now, listen, so bad. Remember, a fireman and a fireman.

movie to somebody in a small town is a big fucking deal that's what they want for their child for their child to be seen and now they're special yeah they pimped people's dreams they're dream pimps it's terrible I knew a guy from here an agency that isn't together no more

I used to sell this guy half pounds a week every fucking week and what he would do is on the weekends he'd go to different towns he'd tell me because I travel more than you my friend and I go what do you really do He goes, I cast people in movies, yeah, Monday through Thursday, but that's not where my money is. He goes, when I get your $1,000 co-star, I get $100.

How far do you think that goes? That's my fucking shoe polish for the month. Yeah. He goes, so I do workshops. I travel to these cities. I lie to these parents. I use a local photographer. His fees $80.

We jack it up to $3.20, and we give him $150. and we keep fucking 170. And then we take the kids and then we put them through workshops and workshops and workshops. And they keep coming back. And it's like a fucking pariah on your fucking children.

That's why I don't like it. I don't like it when you, I don't like it. I've seen kids march into a fucking hot. I've seen kids walk down here, you know, get that fucking acting book from Charles Dickens. What's the name of the fucking place?

Samuel French. You walk in the fucking Samuel French. You walk to the back and there's a guide. Agents. You take that fucking agent's book. Never mind the goddamn manager. You take that fucking agent's book. If you're looking for your kid to do anything,

you take that fucking agent's book. You go back to your hotel. You got a yellow pad and you got a fucking magic marker. You get head shots. You get resumes. You know, the school play. He met fucking Willie Mays one time of the Wendy's. He smiles.

He tap dances. He loves to dance. He's energetic. You know, whatever the fucky, your kid did. You put him an envelope. And what you do is you take that, and this is old school. You can buy this online now.

Like, they used to publish this every, your absolute thing. Every 90 days, Lee, they made this, and you bought it for 1099 a month. And it was the same bullshit. They said they would contact the agents and they would tell you, okay, I have a child that wants to be an actor.

So they would have children actors, five to six, eight to ten. And you'd have to be. get all those agents and lick those envelopes and send them and they tell you keep fucking send them keep sending them keep sending them drop them off it was brutal you know you do you move your kids out of here i just don't like it people told me to sign mercy up over there yeah but they even send me an application from aqua town i just can't i'm not now not now i don't want to do this that's not good i don't even want her in that environment right yeah no no no it's a fantasy

fucking world for a child. That's my opinion that I know I had a bad childhood, but I'm telling you that this is worse. Yeah. This scar's worse. I've seen it. I see the kids how they look. It's so sad. It's not good, guys. And everyone always says, oh, you have a cute baby. It should be a model, but, like,

it's not really an option for everyone, usually. It's like, that's a crazy thing that parents have to, like, that's a discussion you probably have to have to have before you get married now. Like, do you want the kids to be an actor? Like, that's great. You fucking know before you're fucking marrying them. You know what kind of moron you're married.

I mean, it doesn't take a lot of the guy's a frustrated fucking band guy. You know, you marry a guy and every day he droops, oh, my life would change as I fucking quit the band, you know, and he wasn't going nowhere with the fucking band, okay, but your wife wants a husband now, whatever the fuck it is, you know. I mean, what, what we're talking about here? You were talking about the kid actors. The kid actors.

No, no, no. We were talking about just generalities like that. You know, that you want your child to be something. I don't know what I want my child to be. Let them be whoever they want to be. I really don't. I really don't. I don't have an idea.

I want her to fucking figure it out on her own. Yep. But if she comes to me with basketball or martial arts or something, I'll help her as much as I can, but she's got a coach for that. And I have to respect that line. And I can't challenge the fucking coaches. You know what I'm saying? It just gets to a point where sometimes a parent shouldn't interfere,

but you should know at what level before you go in. Listen, let's pretend I stopped doing comedy today. You think when Mercy takes is 12, I'm going to have it down to Lafai 3. Right. Is that what you think, Lisa, yeah? Not you. You know what it is? I think what you're talking about is sad parents trying to make themselves

feels better by living through their kids. Trying to get their kids, there's people out there that want their kids to do something so that the parents can brag about it. So they can feel better. Well, no. Maybe it's something you were frustrated by doing. It was always my dream. So when she suggested she wanted to be an actress,

I told her to go for it. Like that type of stuff. You know what I'm saying? Like making them work hard and sing. I did a bunch of, I saw it from a different perspective. I did it with films. I did a bunch of films with children.

And I fucking was scared to the things I learned. But then again, you see Joe Jackson. You think Michael Jackson's good because he wanted to sing and dance and play with kids. You know, from the age of five, you want to be in the Jackson Five. And they made him fucking rehearse every day from three to fucking nine. And when they weren't rehearsing, they were carrying fucking bricks back and forth on the yard. You know what I'm saying? Like, it was a rough life for the Jackson's.

Michael Jackson earned every fucking dollar he had because he caught Wippins Jack. That's true. You know, they got beat up. They got beat the fuck up. It'd be crazy to have a kid be the breadwinner for a family. Oh, it's crazy to, I still think it's crazy. I look at my daughter at this point in my life, at my fucking age. and I can't see myself

looking at her and going I want her to be a stand-up comic and at the age of six I'm going to have her some contest doing fucking jokes on TV Some love tonight Transparent Trader X My girl Ouki Spooky is getting close To our encounter in Austin

With the rest of the fucking Texas family Including Lee boom boom Where's the envelope Syac? Listen I'm going to drop them off and when we land to Austin, he told me you already, do you guys do me a favor?

Take my luggage to the hotel, just drop me off at the barbecue place. If we get into 12, I'll wait for two hours and eat and I'll meet you back at the hotel. I'll bring your sausage. You already told me that. You have to wait.

I'm dropping you. You don't get any of you don't wait. Jeffrey Collins. My man, Ross dude, is making a comeback. He'll be at the fucking flap is Thursday night. My man Daniel Reyes,

the other dude, Young Chipote. and my main motherfucker, Keith Moreno, are you kidding me or what? Again, myself and Steve Simone, this Saturday night at the Cherokee Casino in Oklahoma. I don't know what time the show starts, but it don't matter. Rent your fucking room right now. We're going deep in the murky waters of the underworld. You understand me?

We're going to tie up fucking Steve Simone doing Indian ceremony and then make them watch the exorcism. backwards in German to really fuck with him. It's always nice to do a nice Sunday night podcast. So tomorrow morning you wake up. Hoop doop de-doop it's fucking August first. You know what that means? That everybody's the fucking same thing. That means you got to get up.

Fucking get in the shower while you're in the shower. Fuck your girlfriend. I don't give a fuck about nothing. You're thinking about your month and how you're going to make it happen. And guess what, bitch? You're five months away from Christmas. Is it really that close to the end of the year? You're four months away from Thanksgiving.

You understand me? The party's over. All that shit you were pushing back in your life. You got to get to it. You know why I know this? Because it's happening to me. I've been jumping on it the whole month of July. Yeah.

This fucking nose surgery was a blessing in disguise because I got surgery, but I got to jump on a lot of shit that I was behind the eight ball with my fucking yards. My writing is back up on the fucking book. I mean, I jumped into it. That you could really focus. I had nowhere to go. All you could do is sit outside and fucking bleed out of your name. nose with stitches. So it's just

amazing that I'm back up and I got in the fucking rhythm again. But for people right now you're fucked up all year and now you think, oh well it's August first, I'll glide now, bitch. Get on it. It gets tight now in September. That's when Americans go, oh shit. They're talking about back-to-school special.

Once you see back-to-school specials going on, your fucking wallet tightens up. You're like, oh, shit. I don't even have kids and shit. I'm going to have to sharpen that pencil. Because once Halloween hits, it's a nonstop money. It's not that it's a nonstop money. You know, it gets to a certain age where it's a nonstop momentum.

Yeah. You see the momentum. You see the advertising dollars. You know, Halloween, you're really seeing a little bit of Christmas stuff. Walmart's advertising for Christmas Club. Never stops. Layaway. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

All the smart people are telling you they're going to be open Christmas Day. All the smart people start telling you October 30th. We're going to be fucking open. And once Halloween drops, notice this, that Halloween isn't even over. It's 10.30. You stayed up because you've got insomnia. Halloween isn't even over, and they're already hitting me to Thanksgiving commercials. That's true.

Marketing starts 1201 of fucking Halloween these years now. It was the best because I worked at CVS for two years. So exactly what you're talking about, what happened? You know, in the middle of the store, they have a seasonal area. Yeah. As soon as, like, that day, they're tearing it down. So after Christmas, it would be like Valentine's Day. Right.

You're like, motherfucker. That's two months away. Yeah, they don't give a fuck. They're getting you. They want you to buy a card. They put the cards closer to the chocolate. The fake fucking flowers. The condoms go around that.

So everything's right there in the fucking neighbor. Nobody gets their feelings. You show it with a box of chocolate and glowing the dark condoms and shit. They're the extra rib. Everybody's happy. Yeah, what the fuck? That's what Valentine's Day is all. about.

Extra-robed. Whatever the fuck they call that stuff. Every time I go, you look. Even though I don't use them, I've been married. Every time I look at those fucking things, I stay away from them. I think that it's just bullshit. I think it's fucking bullshit. And they sell it to Americans and they fucking, the young kids.

And listen, if you told me that you had a condom that was really fucking thin, and I'm a nasty motherfucker, like, let's say, I'm a nasty motherfucker. I want to play with debt. I want the finest thing you got, you know what I'm saying? I want 99.9 that this motherfucker could pop if I bust a good nut. You know what I'm saying? What kind of, that's how disgusting we are. What about the one Charlie Sheen is wrapping?

What do you use that one? I don't know what Charlie Sheen's doing. He's wrapping a new condom. Is he? Yeah. Listen, I don't even know what condoms. Like I said, when I was a kid, I robbed a box of condoms. Right by bottom of the barrel, across the street.

Next door was a Carvel. Across the street was a little bodega. I was walking home from the fucking bodega. Not a bodega. It was five and dimes. This gotta be the summer of 75, dog. I'm maybe 12. It's 11 o'clock in the morning.

I'm walking down that fucking street. As I walked past the back door, the truck driver left everything outside. Back door was fucking locked. There was lollipoms and a bunch of shit and the bottom. There was a box of condoms dog. I tackled that fucking thing.

I picked up that box of condoms, and I ran down that fucking hill to fucking 38th Street, and guess who I was? I was like the Mac Daddy that day. And I had them in white or black. Listen. Black condoms? I put both of those condoms in my wallet,

and I could be honest with everybody. I never used those fucking things one time. Those things got thrown away with that wallet, and they're fucking, they're somewhere like a dinosaur now. Did your wallet have that? the imprint of the condom, like mine did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like an embarrassment.

I had that same rusty condom that looked like it was rustle already. It looked like you ever have an Alka-Soussa. Remember Alka-Seltz? Back in the day, they came with the wafer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but they used to come in a powder that you had it home. That's what a commercial. That's what a commercial. Oh, what a relief of this?

Blop, Blop, Plop. That's what it was, Lee. What fuck you laughing about, Lee? Put the commercial on. Out-Bussel, go ahead. Okay. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Oh, what a relief is.

We'll fucking take a deal with it, too, not viscantly. But you took, Alka-Seltzer came in a powder, or it came in a tablet form. Yep. And Brioski also came in a powder. That's what the real Italian is. That's a real Guinea's use. Real Guineas get ajuna. Everybody else gets heartburn.

I haven't heard that word. Listen, I haven't heard that word since I've been to Cal. Every Italian gets heartburn. Give me it. Everybody in the country around the world gets heartburned. And they use Alka Salsa. Alka Seltza. What's the problem with the screen?

I didn't know you wanted to watch it. Good. You don't want to watch it. Then all this song, I was looking for the song. Go Plop Plop Plop Plits for his water relief of this case. Why are you bothering me? I'm sorry. I didn't even watch it.

There's what I'm talking about. You see what I was saying? Yeah, this was big. But anyway, I don't even know what the fuck we got to Alka Sousers. That's important. It was those condoms. Right. I took those things down.

I was a young kid, man. And I was giving to everybody. Guys were loving me. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. We're going to score now. It's all fucking over. I could swear to God,

I never used that rusty fucking condom. I took in a pool with me one time. Yeah, because that came to a time you couldn't wait to use it. So you took it everywhere with you. When Gaza was talking to Rocky, It was like, maybe you should invest in condominiums. And he was like, I don't use it. And now, a page from our Sunday morning, Almanac.

February 21st, 1931, 79 years ago today. The day the market for over-the-counter medications literally bubbled over. But that was the day, Miles Laboratories introduced a new ant-assum product called Alka-Seltzer. That shit's good. A mix of acid by carbonate. The lemon line? Now I got the shit that puts you to sleep. Yeah.

Oh shit. It's like drinking that Jim Jones juice. You take that shit home. You put two of those in with a little shot of vodka at night when I get coked up. I put four of them in a fucking glass. Wow. Those fucking Alpacelsa PMs, they ain't no fucking joke, Jack. I will not take those PM medications no more.

The last two times I took those BM medications that gave me that shit, they gave me vertigo. Oh, no. Yeah. Fuck you. No more for me. Lee, how are you feeling, my brother? I'm good. Everything all right in your world?

You got kettlebells this week. Yeah, I got kettlebells. What do you got this weekend? I have no idea. Who knows? You're a free spirit. You're still a consultant. You're doing a thousand things.

He's got Johnny fucking podcast. I'm proud of him. Trying Mr. Steve Simone has good times with Steve Simone. That's right. Both of these work together. Steve's family now. It's amazing, Steve. All these goddamn years.

I won't buy so fast. I talked to these guys about it on the podcast a few weeks. weeks ago, man. You know, you have this college, you have this high school shit that goes on in your life. And you look back at it and it's fucking worthless. You're like, Jesus. And you have this stupid fucking view of life. And then you turn 26 and you're working and you're making a little money and you think you've got to figure it out. And then one day you turn dirty fucking five or 36 and you're like, oh, wait a second. wait a second this ain't good I just reevaluate

this situation this is not where I want to be because it's never where you really want to be right it's never what you thought you were going to be or doing what the fuck you want to do I'm not saying that you're on drugs or gambling I'm just saying that you might be making $88,000 a year which is it great for the American norm

but in your mind you're starving because you like to buy fucking trains you know what I'm saying and spend $800 a month on fucking trains or $18 a dollar I'm just using that anything. I'm sorry. I'm not saying that. So sometimes we don't know how lucky we are for what we're

getting from the door. Absolutely. I spoke to a friend of money because I'm very happy at my job. I've been there fucking whatever. I make 68 without overtime and I'm really happy. I listen to that and I'm like, you know what man? I went to school with this guy. That sounds right. And I know he makes over 100 grand with the overtime. It's great. Fuck it. What are you going to do? He lives on the East Coast. He's single. He puts away money. He buys stocks. What the fuck you're going to do, you know? Yep. Grateful.

Sounds perfect. Yeah, thank you, Lee, for interjecting. He's like, sounds perfect. Sounds perfect and shit. He was like, you ready for another bongley? Why not? Absolutely. You did like fucking four of them only today.

You did more than four. Yes, you did. How many did you do, Steve Simone, too? Maybe if he was lucky, three. Maybe. Yeah. There was a, yeah, maybe three. Plus you had the addibles, too.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, the other was a nothing. There were nothing. They weren't appetized a thousand milligrams. I can't believe we did eight and fuck it. And I haven't done it. Since Wednesday, I haven't touched none of them. It's weird, though.

I part, I said I'm almost like 3,000 with me this weekend. And I think I might need to take a break or something. They didn't do anything. Well, because I told you that for the last 20 years. I told you before he went on that fucking trip to the love boat, him and fucking the wife. He went down. Today I was laughing about something because my daughter yelled for me

and she said something. She goes, Daddy, look. And she goes, deep plane. The plane. And right away for some reason, I thought about the love boat, but I also thought about two brothers I grew up that had a family few going on.

And the older one was short. And the younger one fucking used to call him bus. That too. No, no, no. He used to call him tattoo. And he would fucking threaten the younger brother. Like, listen, you ever say that outside this house?

I'm going to fuck you up. So one night, it was along with him. And I go, you know what, Doug? You kind of do it look like that too. So he's like, go fuck your mother. We were laughing. So four years after that one, I'd see him just between me and him, go, bus. And I just thought of that little fucking boss.

Boss, and I would laugh. We'd call him tattoo. I would laugh. And he called me boss. Fucking hysterical guys. Also, on, I'm happy you're doing well, man. I'm happy you're doing this for kids. I'm happy it makes you feel good.

Yeah. Like I said, man, I, uh, ever since the charity thing, I've been doing a couple different things. I didn't know much about the goodwill, but thank you for telling me. I'll find that where these other places are. Yeah. Because I take heavy duty shit to the goodwill. Yeah, they just go out and throw it.

Do you understand me? Yeah. I've taken shirts from the goodwill. But I will tell you something, there is a shirt in my closet that is superb. That we looked up online. You know how my wife is. She's not going to a Gentile. She'll look at anything up online.

These shirts start. They start at like 160 or something. Oh, my gosh. They only sell them in three places. Texas, New York, like the East Side, and like San Francisco or something like that. Yeah. My wife got me that shirt for four fucking dollars, wouldn't that? At the Goodwill?

At the Goodwill. You got to see this shit. It's one of those shirts that goes with every badass fucking suit. Like, if it's black, no. It's got to be like an off gray suit or an off black suit or an off blue suit, the fucking shirt. makes that fucking suit spit shine Tommy that's why sometimes

like even though I know goodwill they charge for their clothes but I know I used to shop there when I had no money so every once I like to give my clothes

directly to homeless people to the outreaches but then every once in a while I will bring stuff to the goodwill because even though they charge people for it and people are making money off of it I go

there's somebody in there I wonder what the percentage of the goodwill money goes to the actual homes they say that they spend. That's what I want to know. I've always been quiet, like in my mind. Listen, man, you guys, Lee, what's number one lesson in life? Same one, Henry Hill told you in just a different way.

Every once in a while, you've got to take a beating. Me, if you don't want to take a beaten, you have to do something for a life vig. What is a life vig? A life vig is when Steve Simone calls me. and says, I want you to come down and do this fucking benefit. It's going to be fast. And I go down and there's 3,000 people. And Steve gives me a hat with a balloon on it.

And on the way out, you go, well, I was expecting $3,000. But you go, I don't give a fuck about the money. It's for kids. Yeah. And that's it. I don't like doing a benefit where I feel like shit. On the way out, the promoters are giggling. And as I walk out there valet and their fucking BMWs and shit.

Right. That's what I've never wanted to see. I don't feel... Nobody ever wants to feel fucking cheated, man. You don't want to feel like you cheated somebody. So that's my big problem with all those things. Like I said, there was a time on my Facebook, Lee, that I was getting five of these Army things.

And when I went to the guy's Facebook page, there wasn't even a picture of a flag. You know what I'm saying? So, wait a second. You're doing promotions for fucking Army shows or for veterans. and there's not a guy shot in a fucking leg running through a jungle. There's not a guy, nothing, nothing. I smell scam guys.

Before I go to any club to do something like that and put my name on it and say, I won't do it. I just won't fucking do it, man. I just rather not even involve myself in it because I know how I'm going to feel on the way out. Yeah. Do you think maybe if you were a younger comic, you would just say yes to that gig and get burned?

And just like say yes because you want to help? If there are parameters in a fucking business and there's parameters and a benefit. I have friends that do benefits and they get $10,000 to do better. But it's a benefit that Nabisco is putting on or something like that. Right. Where their budget is ginormous, okay? Then I have people who do benefits and that kind of weird benefits. Again, I had a guy years ago who called me one time, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I got there, when I got there, you know, the dude from the longest yard was the main attraction. When I got it sold to me, the dude from this reality show was doing it, and the dude from this reality show was doing it. And this guy who's got a million followers on fucking YouTube was doing it. I get up there. I'm the fucking man of steel. Yeah. And I see him with a grin on his face again. And there's no fucking soldiers crawling on the floor.

I don't see nothing. Right. I don't see nothing. I just see a guy that does four. 40s a month. You know what I'm saying? And he takes one guy and pays him a buck. And there's 3,000 people in the fucking room who pay $25 fucking dollars.

Okay, do the goddamn man. That's a lot of goddamn money. So this guy goes, there was a thing after the San Barber benefit. Yeah. There was a thing after the Santa Barbara fucking thing. Lee Syed, am I lying to you? Did Brody Stephen not go up there and go on later on and say it was a scam? That's terrible.

And turned out later on, I knew when the guy contacted me. I knew right after the shooting two days later, the guy contacted me, and for me to contact Rogan, and I knew it. And I knew how this guy operated, and I said, I can't do it. I need to, well, you could do this and charge at the door, and I'll run the money. And you know what? I don't want to do it. And sure enough, sure enough, right?

About a month after I heard that dude up there was scamming, they busted them and the fucking Santa Barbara scam and blah, blah, blah, and Brody when I'm down there, and they told Brody was going to be a theater. You know that fucking story cuck. Don't lie to me. Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, it says, so apparently actually Goodwill is not that bad. They do pay their CEO $2.3 million, but they give between $0.86 for the dollar.

So it's, which apparently is pretty good. Yeah, I bring stuff there just because I know people. Yeah, I just like it. I like, that's that place on Lancashian, correct? Yeah, there's one right there. Yeah, that's where I go. I go on the back, I don't even get the receipt. Yeah, they make it easy.

Just drop up on the trash bag. Yeah, drop it off from the fucking side. Yeah. You know, but here's what pisses me off. And I love it. I love going on the road. I love people bringing me albums. I love all that shit.

But there goes in spurts where people start giving you clothes. In fact, I got a great shirt for you, brother, Lee. Thank you. From Joe's motorcycle, this place. They collect all. all those fucking minibikes. They have those festivals with those low-mole minibikes.

He came to the show. Oh, my God, that's great. So I got a nice shirt for you. Like Kelly Leak, long-mower minibike? Yeah, yeah, low-moor minibank. What the fuck are we talking about? We were talking about the shirts, dropping them off, charity.

Yeah, you're going on there, you drop them off. People give it to you to know. Listen, man, you know, there was a time a couple of fucking years ago. Somebody gave me like a fucking brand-new Dallas Cowboy jersey. You know, those two Lakers shirts I wear, those are two gifts from people,

listen to the fucking podcast. Yeah. But half the time, I get these fucking shirts. Like, I can't wear a football jersey in my age. I put a football jersey on when I was 30 one day, and it didn't look right. Just for me, guys, it just doesn't look right for me. I don't know what your opinion is. I don't really give a Frenchman's fuck.

My Uncle Joey, I can't have a fucking football jersey on. It makes me look like a fucking mook and a half. Right. Or you want to play kind of, you know, you know, I'm saying? Just something wasn't right. But, bro, there was a couple of months. Once there, why I kept getting jerseys. And these were fucking expensive jerseys.

A hundred bucks of pop usually. And I got like an old-fashioned one. Somebody gave me like an old school Pittsburgh one years ago. When I first went to Pittsburgh at the bar, like Jay Berscherro and those guys, this guy came on one of the nights and gave me this thing. This is for you. I've had it for 30 years, but my mom was making it throw it away or something. I don't know what the fuck it was.

but I went online it was like a 19 something fucking Pittsburgh Steeler defensive line shirt it fit too that dude was a fat fuck even then 19 fucking 40 or whatever but I looked like a fucking mutt wearing it yeah yeah I'm like there comes

a time but I take them down there I wonder if they fucking sell them for a small nickel you know goodwill's I've found stuff when I used to live in Santa Monica the goodwill there There was stuff in there that was really nice stuff. Cheap, like, I don't think people, well, maybe somebody working there would scam stuff. I never in my life thought I would ever buy clothes from a second-hand store. And then I moved to Seattle as a young comedian.

Yeah. And there was a store up there leave it every Monday I went in there and bought a fucking outfit for $7. Seven bucks? Seven bucks, like corduroy jeans. a nice fucking jeans and a nice shirt. I always got like a like a pole.

In those days, you know, I was like 2.40 so I could still, you know, dressed like fucking John Mystique. What about, because like when I moved here,

I was an idiot and bought everything new. But what I didn't get was a bunch of like kitchen stuff and this guy he worked with who was moving home gave it to me. And like, I was just thinking the other day how much I love it. Yeah. And like, how about like,

Paul and I were thinking about moving in or even if I just move to a new place, like it's time for me to get new stuff. And like, I'm excited to give it to, like, pass it on. Like, so, like, I have, like, a kitchen set. I'll probably throw in the juicer. That's great.

It's just, like, I'm so excited. Like, I have nice furniture, but I'm excited to give the dingy knife set away. I'm moving. I'm moving. So, wow. I got to start from scratch. And me and my wife decided today,

we were talking on the balcony and went, like, listen, we're just going to leave the air conditioning. and we'll leave in the refrigerator because we ain't taken down those stairs. Those stairs are not in good shape. The termites got in there.

There's not much we're taken from that. Well, I'm sure there's people out there that could use it if you're... Deliverable furniture, it was a apprentice furniture. We got that whole set for $600, including the tables. The cats, when they got fucking territorial, they started pissing that. We can't take

that furniture. The furniture is doomed. That's why we kept it because we didn't know what we're going to do with it. They scratched it,

jumped on it, the baby puked on it, I puked on it. I've wiped off in that chair. You know, that chair's good to go. We got the,

you know, this. Nowadays, you go to those furniture outlets, right up the fucking corner. You walk in there at 9.30

by fucking 10, 15, you got a furniture set. If you want to deliver that day, it's there. It's there. You ask guy who's going to deliver it. He's here right

now loading the truck. You go out there, you shake his hand, you put a 50 in his hand, and the 20 in the other moose fucking hand. Say, I'll be there at 5 o'clock. I guarantee this motherfucker's dad 10 to 5 at attention with extra rags. We're fucking roller skates on. What? I just dipped him a fucking yardstick,

a happy yard. What? At the door. He didn't have to fucking deliver anything yet. That's how I roll, bitches. What what lease I at? The fuck you're going to do when the cops kept yet you. Let's read some ads and let's get the fuck out of here. Again, my main little brother, Steve Simone and I, this Saturday night,

Cherokee Indian Casino. You want credits? Ari Shafia, this is not happening. That's the fucking credits, bitches. One of the strongest shows on Comedy Central. I watch some Comedy Central the other night, by the way. Wow. They should be shot and fucking hung, but it's none of my business. Anyway, I'd like to welcome back one of my favorite fucking sponsors of all time just because I think it's a great product. And that's my people over at Helix Sleep.

You know why? I like Helix Sleep, because they think outside the box. When I first moved into this apartment here, I bought a brand new fucking matches. Am I happy with a fuck no? The middle's soft. My side's all fucked up. I weigh 300 fucking pounds.

My fat ass, I scrits, I scratch that fungi nail. God knows what that fungi dust does to a mattress. It's like bedmites, you know. Then my wife is light on the other side. You flip it over. It's a nightmare. Those days are everywhere.

You know why? Because they make a mattress one fucking way. But what you don't understand, and they understand that he looks sleep is that you're unique. You don't walk like everybody else. You don't talk like everyone. You don't sleep like everyone. So why is your mattress one size fits all? Answer me.

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I wish I could fucking sleep like the rest of the goddamn world. I got a sleep at your machine. I got to put on. I got big fucking feet. I got a fat ass. That shit's done. Helix sleep. You go to helixleep.com, okay?

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and you give it one more hour. And when you wake up, you wake up refreshed like ping pong padu. You know what I'm saying? You go to the bathroom, you wash your monkey, and ain't nobody's stopping you. You're straight to Starbucks to join the rest of those commie bastards. Anyway, you have 100 nights to try it out, and if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you 100% refund. No questions asked, no questions asked, no questions asked. That's how Helix Sleep does it, all right?

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Speaking of words, saving your thousands. Because that's what I'm trying to do for your people. Like I told you, you come out to fucking L.A., you hit me up on Twitter. I'll say you were going to get a Chinese lunch for $5.95. Is the food tremendous? No, not really. It's about a seven, and you won't shit blood. But I'll fill you up on the way to Disneyland because I'm going to save you fucking $70.

Because if you eat up at Disneyland, they eat up a universe, all they do. Steve's amount. $100. So you understand what I'm trying to say to you people, you don't need to eat up there and nothing. Hit Uncle Joey up and say Uncle Joey. I'm the studio city. I want Chinese fucking food.

I'll send you to a place. Listen, Golden's chopsticks or the other one, they all got lunch specials. Will you shit blood? I don't know where you live. If you live in Flint, you can eat a fucking scab off of fucking my toenail.

You know what I'm saying? And nothing will happen to you. I'm sorry, people. I just got to break it down that way because some motherfuckers get confused. Anyway, way, Lee, starting Tuesday, we'll be getting Blue Apron. Yes.

And he's going to be trying out and talking to you people about it and more or less. You know, I had a couple boxes sent to the house. And the experiences with me was great. I think it's a great deal because all you have to do is take the stuff out of the box and read the direction. That's great. They'll tell you exactly when the fuck to throw it in. Now at least you have a patois of how to cook something the next time you're hungry. instead of sitting there looking at your cabinet going how to cook,

that's the best thing about blue rapids. And on top that, they give you fine quality, and they save your money. Yeah, I'm really excited they haven't. Actually, we were talking the other day about me trying fish, and the first week they're sending me brown butter cod with corn, shishito peppers, and purple potatoes. Let me tell you something.

Cod, brother, is not bad. I'm excited to try it. Cod with flavoring on it, to dilute it, which they're going to send you all this stuff, because they sent me salmon, and they sent me like some soy terriaki salmon. This had to be a year ago, and it was delicious. I cooked it exactly how they did it, the skin, marinate.

They told me everything what to do to the last minute, okay? Not all ingredients are greeted eagle. Fresh, high-quality ingredients taste better and are better for you, so it's important that you know where your food comes from. For less than 10 bottles per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with preportioning ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. Blue Apron knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals. So they set the highest quality standards for their community suppliers, family-run farms, fisheries, and ran ranches.

Whether it's a Japanese ramen noodles, the wild-caught Alaskan salmon, or the heirloom tomatoes. Blue Apron is always bringing you the best, okay? The variety is tremendous. New recipes are created weekly, okay? And they're not repeated within a year. I get bored with shit. My wife makes chicken colors every fucking week. After three weeks, I don't even want to fucking see nothing.

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lemon. Are you fucking killing me? And the tilapia comes with black noodles. I mean, they got a trip and go. Every week, they got something delicious over there on that. I go to that webpage just a look. And I'm always thinking about it. I'm happy lead dinner, so maybe we do it

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And that's it tonight. Have a great weekend. I'm very happy that Lisa adds here. We'll be back. You're going to start off the fucking Monday. We don't only do this every other week. We just do this on special fucking weekends. So we got together.

And so let's just do it out of the bat. So they have some Monday morning. Again, one more time for my main man, Steve, Simone, we're going over to the Cherokee Casino, and one more time for my favorite Jew. That's it. Have a great night. We'll be back in shit, bitches.

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