The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #404 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with Susanna Lee

Episode Date: August 11, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Joey's upcoming move, making decisions, and the process you go through in life. Susanna Lee, Comedian and exotic performer, joins Joey and Lee in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:    Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 08/10/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Datsusara. Go to DS Gear and check out their extremely high-quality functional gear that's made with hemp textiles. They have bags, geese, rashguards, and more. They have t-shirts. They have fanny packs. Go to DSgear.com and use codeword Joey to save 5%. The show is also brought to you by Onet.com. Go to Onet.com and use Codeword Church to save 10% on all of their optimization products like Strongbone, Alphabone, New Moot, Shrmtec, Immune, and Shrotech Sport.

It's Cobbrood Church at Onit.com to save 10%. Oh shit. Drop it, Lee. Kick that fucking meal, Lee. Oh, Wednesday. August 10th, cock suckers. What? Oh, shit.

Lee Syatt. Susanna Lee. She'll be coming in a little later. And your uncle fucking Joey on a Wednesday night. What else are going to be doing? What? Kick it, Lee. Oh, shit.

Out of that nuts act. It's your fucking lucky night right here, cop sucking. What? Oh, shit. Do I think you're a nasty girl? I love it. You filthy animal, you. Give me those dirty feet and those stinky ankles.

Oh, yeah. What up, you bad motherfuckers Wednesday night. DJ Lee, cut the fucking music. You're over there, like, turning it off, like somebody's going to jump off a cliff. Ain't nobody jumping off a fucking clip here. What's going on, my little brother? I'm having a good day, man.

Fuck, that weed is good. It's a good night. Fuck, yeah. It's Wednesday night. Everything's cracklecking. We're back on, you know? I feel a lot better. I was a little under the weather there.

I can't smoke pot with a lot of people. I get sick. And right away, like that night, when I left here, just hitting that vapor pen with the kid from Eureka. Yeah, you just knew. I just knew. When I went home that night, I got up at four in the morning. My throat was already scratching. By the time I got up at fucking seven.

I was spitting colors and shit. You know, three days. I know you're going to be sick. Yeah, you know. And here's the problem when you're sick that you go, you know what, I got this, and you go do something stupid, and you break the sweat, and you leave the t-shirt on, and here you are for six weeks coughing. You know, those two-week coughs, and you finally go to the doctor and get your prescription.

This is why you have to really watch, especially in my age, especially, you know. And I'm thinking about how I got sick two weeks after the surgery, because those antibiotics clean out. fucking system. So your immune system is weak. It's building back up. I got back on a plane. I got sick on a plane. You know, this is the shit that happened. It's just getting simple. This is just a simple cold, but you can't do much of it. You know for a fact that if you fucking juggernaut this thing, it could either get really bad or it could shake. Why take the chance? I got to go to Denver this week. I got to do five fucking shows. Thursday sold out already. Why do I

take a chance. I just relaxed. I did not go to Jiu-Jitsu a week between the fucking arm and the cold and the whole fucking deal. I just said, you know what? Again, just relax. Why kill yourself? I don't want to turn this into an ammonia and then I got on the fucking plan. It gets worse. And I go up in high altitude. And then we got a fucking problem all weekend. And not to mention like rolling, it's like the same as smoking with someone. If you roll with someone, they get up and then they're sneezing. They have a cold. I'm like, what the fuck, man? You're sweating on me. So what I do is just spend 10 to myself. I did a little writing.

I made some notes, you know, shit like that. It wasn't the biggest week in my life. I got to move. So I already started throwing some shit out, some T-shirts, shit I don't wear, shit I found it. I didn't even know I still had shoes. Just I'm doing the first sweep. The next week I'm doing the most intense sweep when I get home.

Then I go to out, oddball. And then when I come back, we make the move. You got to give me the move as numbers. We get them on fucking point. Oh, yeah. The bed's coming from Helix sleep. They sent it's a bed, the whole fucking deal, so it's over. It can be really stressful moving.

It could be if you let it be. If you put yourself in the predicament of a two-dayer, and then you want to cut corners and borrow a truck from your friend, and then your other buddy's going to come, that's a mind fuck right there. So what I've done the last two times is I start moving boxes over on the 15th. They did the lawn today, tomorrow's the painting, and I guess next week is the carpeting. and right after that I start moving over there

three boxes a night when I leave here after the podcast three boxes a night I'm not doing nothing at 2.30 in the afternoon three boxes three boxes three boxes three boxes and pretty soon when the move is come it's a fucking it's three hours because we're right around the fucking corner

yeah it's tough what are we taking we're donating the couches they smell like cat piss we're taking the TV the fucking bedroom the kids room that's it. We can't carry the refrigerator down because it might break the fucking stairs and we can't take the oven. So what, what are we taking? The pictures, the bathroom shit, that's it. The clothes and the cabinets, that's it. So I could start taking the winter clothes over there already, suits,

shirts, you know, and that's how you do it. The books I got in that library, stuck on over there, let the movers move to two desks, the mattresses, the bedroom, the baby's bedroom. That's it. boxes we're going to take dishes over the dish like she's already got all that packed the shit that's not we don't use on the daily get that shit out of here get it out so that shit's going she already cleaned the cabinets for groceries like the shit that's expired we don't really use we travel light us Puerto Ricans travel like cocksucker dude I used I've moved bottles of alcohol like I pack I don't throw anything away I can't I can't throw away I literally have a box that I bring that I take the stuff from my fridge

I'm like, all right, we're gonna move... No, I take the shit from my fridge. Okay. But there's shit that's like tartar sauce. You know, there's tartar sauce that's half full and the sides are crusted. What are you going to take that for? Is it a bowl?

Yep. No. What's the red shit? What's the... Cetchup? No, the other shit. Cocktail song? Yeah.

That shit gets all crusty. Throw it away. It's $1.49 on special. You can make it at your fucking house. I'm going to carry that shit with me that falls, and you got it on your fingers and you touch your sweat. And you got that red shit

on your fingers. There's a thousand things that don't need to really go. No, I don't pay that. It's not worth the fucking aggravation. It's like, because you're getting a house so it's cool that you get to move in early. I've always, ever since I made out. No, no, we're going to move boxes early. Right. But we don't move to like September 1st is complete.

Oh yeah. No, no, I understand. But what I'm saying is like, ever since I moved out, I've lived in apartments. And with that, you only have a good day. So I never as broke as I was, I never once asked friends to help me move. I've always paid. Because it just, we were talking before the podcast started about how, like, you start realizing how much stuff costs, like if you're on vacation or something.

I was thinking about that the other, like, last night, I bought something and I was like, that's like half an hour of work or whatever. When you start realizing how much time it takes to actually buy something that you're buying, like, you'll start, you'll either start buying less or you'll realize that your time's important. So rather than spending four days moving, just hire movers for $300. I feel the same way. If you think I want to go up and downstairs in the morning with fucking couches and shit, I can't handle that, not three days of that. No. It's not worth my health.

It's not nothing, especially for what we're moving. Like I said to you, we got fucking Salvation Army on point. They're picking up the couches, the chairs. We're taking the two TVs, the baby's TV, shit like that. The baby's room is the toughest, believe it or not. She's the most of. Yeah, but we're taking all her clothes over and boxes over. The moving thing is preparation.

It's like painting a room. When you come in here, look at a room, look at it, look at it, look at it. And then just put a fucking roller on it, roll around it, roll the wall, and then later on, have to get turpentine and clean off the windowsills and clean off the fucking electrical cabinets. Because of not. You see how that gray and that white look? Yeah. You see how good it looks? How many times have you gone to somebody's house in this paint on that white fucking cap on the electrical thing?

So what do you do? You look at the room and you go, okay, let me tape it off first. And that saves me time later with turpentine. God forbid you knock over the turpentine on the carpet. Now you fucking go and the turpentine drips off the rag because you put, now it goes on the new paint. Who needs that shit? That's the fucking old way of doing it.

Just go in there. You have to look at things and look at them and look at them again and go, okay, this is how, this is the plan for this. Look at what you're working with, what you're, you know, if you're working, what your work dates are, what you have available to you. There's a lot of fucking alternatives. And, you know, you're moving.

You have a first, last, security. You're already tapped out. But there's different ways to do it to save on an angle. You know, I don't know anything about cross-country moving. I've never done that. I heard that's a fucking nightmare. I heard that's a fucking nightmare. That people come, then they want you to give them $5,000 for the furniture.

They hold a ransom. I've heard horror shows about that shit. I know about moving from point A to point B. From point A to point B, long ago. distances it's just clothing I've just always taken clothing that's it a toothbrush some socks some shampoo and you're ready to go some cute tips and who's gonna stop you all that of this shit I don't know about but in the short distances that's when you have to move your fucking furniture have you ever driven like a U-hole I think I would destroy like the city would come to a halt

if I had a U-Haul I've driven a U-Haul but short distances I think the most when we move from Seattle. We took a fucking camper with a trailer, with a car on the fucking trailer. You had three vehicles? Yeah. Like fucking the chic of Araby. You know what that's like?

You know what that's like? I don't like none of that shit. That shit scares me to fucking pieces. That must have been. So it was you and Carol. And a dog. And a dog. And a camper trailing a trailer with a car off of that. Oh my God.

You have no fucking idea. And then we pull over in San Francisco. I'm standing on the street. She goes to make, she parks the car. We parked the car. She goes to turn to U-turn with just a trailer. And all you sudden, you see the back wheels fall off. And you see the trailer fall on the back.

And you see the back wheels just stuck there with the hitch on it and shit. So we got to have to get a tow truck to tow it into a fucked up neighborhood and park it overnight. We got to sleep in it. people were having an open mic outside a fucking door this was the craziest week of my life sleeping on the street in their fucking trailer in San Francisco with a fucking dog

and people outside your trailer singing with guitars and shit and shooting heroin and you're like, what the fuck is this shit? Oh my God. They were talking about shooting heroin to tie him up. You know, did he have any fucking cotton balls? I mean, it was crazy.

And I'm laying there in that bed going, what the fuck have I done to deserve this shit? So I know I hate that shit. That's the stuff I can't tolerate. Like that was, that's what stopped me from moving cross-country with my wife, the cats. If I move cross-country and my wife, now I'd have to move the wife, the fucking cats,

the kid, you've got to stop every two hours with the fucking cats. You have no idea, my friend. Yeah, that sounds like a disaster. Yeah, you have no fucking idea what it's like. You break down with cats, those motherfuckers fry in the back seat. So you got to have all your fucking shit intact. You know, it's tough. It's fucking tough.

But like I said to you, I'm handling this the right way. I'm looking at them going to Denver. I come back and that's when I start making my moves. We're keeping in touch with the fucking property manager every day back and forth, letting us know what the schedule is. So once we can start, it's three little boxes every day. Next week I throw every shit out in the house. Next Monday night by two.

Tuesday morning, I take three or four bags and I goodwill up to fucking call. Oh, right. Yeah, you just got to get rid of everything. Everything. Are you excited for mercy? Like, it must be, like, I didn't grow up in an apartment. I grew up, I was very lucky, and I grew up in a house. And the town where I grew up in literally had, I think, maybe one apartment complex.

And I never, now when I see kids, I feel not bad, but I'm like, it must be. different growing up in an apartment from a house. Like, Mercy's going to love that. It's been rough the last three years because we didn't really know we were going to have the child when we moved into this place. And then we didn't know whether to move out, rent,

own, you know, I like an area because of its convenience. You know, I'm very convenient here. I like this area. You know, I've always liked this area. I lived in this area when I first moved to our life for three or four months with Carol.

violent and Moore Park. Right, yeah, yeah. So I like this area. I've always, I know the CVS people, I know the weed stores, I know the sandwich places, I know everybody up here. So I didn't think about moving to West Hills or moving to Vegas. I couldn't even imagine it.

It's starting over again. So my wife said, fuck it, we're not going to find the house. That's just rent one for a year and kill some time. I was like, give it a go. I didn't think we're going to find one this quick. I really didn't. But it was in the cards. I told my wife, this is how I was going to have.

happened. It wasn't going to happen. It was going to be a quick process, just like this happened. Come look at it Saturday, fill out the application, and you'll know by Monday. That's exactly what happened. That's exactly what happened. I'm very happy. You know, I grew up in New York City in an apartment for a few years, but then we moved to a house in New Jersey, and there was a big difference. There was a big difference as a child. You're confidence and whatnot. I mean, most children don't fucking think about that shit. Well, I don't even mean like the fact that they're in an apartment. I just mean like you have a little, a yard. It's a yard.

You can be a little loud. I have a friend that has three kids. They live in a one-bedroom apartment. Jeez. He's fighting for his life, and she's fighting for her fucking life. But who could come over? They sleep in the living room. They just have beds everywhere in the living room.

Yeah. Nice people. I visit them like twice a year. I know them. I bring the kids gifts. I talk to them and shit all the time on the phone. She used to cut my hair, my wife's head, but they got three kids in one bedroom apartment. So I know how they're all.

fortunate I am. I know how fortunate I am, you know. It was a blessing in the skies when they asked us to leave down there. They one day just knocked to the door and said, the landlord found out you had cats, you have to go. Really? I didn't know that.

Yeah, that's the story. Terry lived, I lived in there with Terry for eight fucking years. Oh, the first place in Hollywood. The first place in Hollywood. And one day, the day after we got married, they knocked at the door and said, you got to move out. And we were like, are you fucking serious? And they're like, yeah, you have cats it's not in the lease Perry's been here nine years with the fucking cats

what are you talking about but what they were trying to do is get the was rent-controlled apartments right they were trying to get everybody out redo the apartments and then charge $1,500 a month absolutely and at first I was mad but then it's everything else that's been in my life they did me a fucking favor they did me a fucking favor you know and I didn't even know it I was so stressed when I moved up here I mean the rent was going up eight hundred dollars I thought it was the end of the fucking world. I never thought I would make the rent up here.

I never thought I would make the rent up here. I always thought I barely made rent down there. How am I going to make fucking the rent up here? And it worked itself out, Lee, because everything does. You know, I was thinking about the process today. The process that everybody's scared of. You know, there's a process in life. And we try to rush it at times, but you can't rush it.

It's a fucking process. And I know it from a community. median standpoint because when I first got here myself Josh Wolf Brody you know we were very eager you're very eager you're very eager you're very eager and then you start losing it and then a situation happens that puts you back into perspective and then you know how to handle this place there's three stages to this town this city up here and that's what usually happens you're very eager, you're very eager, you're very eager, you start doing things, you start making little moves, and then you book something, but you see a little bit behind the curtain, and it wasn't what you

thought it was going to be, and the people turned and everything changed, and you're bummed for a while, but when you recover from that, you're a different person in this town. It's tough when I see like Tony Hinscliffe is on fire right now, and he's frustrated, and he's eager. But he doesn't know that it's a process, and I can't explain it to him. See what I'm saying? It's very rough. Because if somebody would have came to me in 2003 and told me it was a process, I would have told him to go fuck themselves.

There ain't no process here. I'm cracking jokes. People are laughing. What's the fucking problem? It doesn't work that way. It works in layers, but we're always scared of the fucking process. Tomorrow you walk into the union hall, and you go, I want to be a fucking union plumber. And they say, okay, it takes four years of being an apprentice, two years residential, two years commercial, and then you join the master's program.

I don't know the dynamics. I'm just making up numbers here. Like I've always said, we look at that number and we look at it as so distant. But then once you do it, you know, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I completely understand. But this is something that I've been struggling with lately. So you said there's a process, right? What I'm most worried about now is making the wrong move.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm worried about, like, I have a couple different options. And like, like, let's say someone gets two job offers. Whenever that happened to me, I'd always be like, fuck, which one do I take? Like, in my mind, if I take the wrong one, my life is going to end. I know probably that's not going to happen. But that's a big fear of mine, is which decision to make. I think the biggest mistake we make is going to people who don't know your situation.

Uh-huh. And you break your situation down to them, your job, what the benefits are, what the cons are. You know, there's all that shit, right? Right. But at the end, and I've said this for years, I thought about this maybe when we still live down there, how you always know the best decisions for you. It's just scared coming up with the decision.

You know, you're in a room, you lost your job. Your wife's not talking to you. She moved back in with her mother. This is all because of drugs and you're gambling. the last thing in your mind at that point is going to a rehab and ending this party. You know, it's the most distant thing

from your fucking mind. You're trying to figure out how to fix it. But while you're trying to sit there and fix everything, you know this is going to be the first answer. This is going to calm everybody down by you going to a rehab. Even if you don't want to go, the people around you feel at ease,

you may have a good chance of getting your wife back. I never thought of going to a rehab. That's why I never went to a fucking, rehab. Like I never thought I go on a fucking rehab. I can imagine this fucking party, this charade. So you, like, you just mean you didn't consider it. You probably

had the idea. I had ideas about it. We all do. When we're in that position, we all know that this is, we need help. This is uncontrollable. I told myself I wasn't going to get high until Friday. It's fucking Tuesday. I'm bleeding from my nose. There's a dead chick in my bed.

I'm not going to work again. You know, just little things. And you say to yourself, what ends this? And you're like a fucking rehab. But, you know, you know that's the answer. But you're like, nah, there's got to be something else I can do. Oh, absolutely. But here's the frustrating part for me.

So, like, that's a negative thing happening. What happens when things are going great? And you have to make a decision. I'm worried that when things are going good. You know why things are going great? Why? Because you made the right decisions. So just believe it yourself and go with your fucking stumbing.

Things are going great because you made the right decisions. Because you made certain decisions at certain times. You know, I'm not here. I'm not going to Denver this week to headline because I'm a funny comedian. I'm not even going to headline. I'm not even going to Denver because of all the work I put into this. Comically, I mean, like riding and getting on stage at night and waiting on line. That's all great in Danny.

How you get forward is those little saccharacteries. When you stick to them Sacrifices are the fucking thing. I never realized until I started thinking about this Jody's situation And what she was mad about years ago When a group of people were also angry at me at that I don't do enough social activities And they're mad at you for that? A lot of people get mad at me because I don't do a lot of things socially because They don't get it that when you're doing something socially that

You know, they always want to do nothing on nights where it's comedy nights like Monday nights Monday nights was the hottest night in LA 10 years ago you know to have the the honor to get on stage at you or the improv the store on a Monday night was fucking greatly you know they always had parties on Monday nights or Thursday nights or Friday nights or Saturday nights those are the nights you're doing comedy you know like my birthday's June whatever you're in Ohio that weekend they were looking like once you cancel it moved the date this is going to be a great part And you're like, are you fucking kidding me?

It's the little things I stuck to. It wasn't the time I put in or because I'm funny at the least I at. It was the little things I stuck to. Like, these are the things I'm not doing. You know, and these are the things I'm doing. Granted, it took me a long time to stop dual fucking bloke. But once I stopped. I stopped.

And I used those other principles that I've used in other things where you sacrifice things. You go, this is not what I'm doing. This is what I'm going to do. Even if I want to do this really bad, this is what needs to be done. Right, absolutely. And it's always planned out for me. I've been thinking a lot about that lately, how that always worked out for me

and people never understood that part of me. Well, like when I tell you I'm going to do something from two to five, that's what I'm doing. I don't give a fuck what you got going on. I already got something going on. I'm happy that you got something going on. I'm going to do my thing. You do your thing, and I'll call you a 10 after 5. but people don't seem to understand that.

Shane came to the show the other day. Remember Shane Tuesday night? He came last night. He came. We were talking to the end day. And I got, you working? And he goes, I'm working. Usually I wouldn't answer the phone.

And I started talking to him. People like him, Mitch Hedberg, all those guys had schedules where they wouldn't respond to people. They would just lock themselves in the room and focus on writing. You know, that's very hard to do with the fucking Internet. That's why I like to go to a coffee shop when I write because I hate the internet around. When I go write, I shut the phone off and I put in a bag. Then I don't give a fuck who calls. I'll look at it every fucking 30 minutes or something like that in my mind,

but I won't look at Twitter or Facebook. It's just for calls, you know? Right. I took the Facebook off the phone. You know, I took it all that shit off the phone anyway. You see the article today about Ari Shafir? Yeah, I read it, yeah. You know, it makes a lot of sense.

I think it totally makes sense. It makes sense. I didn't understand. For people who didn't read it, It was about already giving up his cell phone. And they interviewed this like... Smart phone. Yeah, his smartphone.

He'd right. And they interviewed this like professor who was like, I don't think he, I don't think it's right. I don't think other people do have an addiction to the smartphone. I absolutely, I get a little bit nervous if I feel like I lost my phone or don't have it with me. I, like, I would get a lot more done if I didn't have one. Absolutely.

A hundred percent. I've really been thinking about it. Yeah. This thing is broken, you know. It's still stuck on two fucking messages. I use the calculator once in a while. I use the notes once in a while. I like the voice recording on.

You taught me how to use it even though I erased the show by mistake. I don't know what I'm fucking doing. I don't like Twitter on it. I took the fucking Facebook off it. I got the emergency email on it just in case I have no audition or something like that. But besides that, there's nothing on me to really distract me, distract me. I don't play games. I don't do Pokemon.

I don't read fucking comic books. You know, I have music on here, but it doesn't sound as good at the iPod. And I don't want to have nothing, have power when I'm on the phone, when I'm on the fucking plane. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely.

So if you get on a four-hour flight, you get off your power's fucking dead on these things. Now you've got to stand there like a mortadell and charge your fucking phone. As soon as I get on the plane, I shut the fucking phone off, and I put the iPod on. Yeah.

You know, and I do that, so I always have my phone in full charge. What if the plane goes down You're on a fucking island in Baruba, and nobody can call because they've been playing fucking Pokemon. Here, my shit's going to be fooled up, Jack. No, it's important. It's important. And it's like it's, I find myself going back through Facebook that I've already seen.

Like, it's, it's crazy what a time suck it is. Well, boredom. Bortem is a fucking thing. And you run home, you open it up. You see if somebody messaged you on Facebook, you see if somebody message you on Twitter. You see if somebody got on a hotmail, and I shut the thing off and leave. I do that 10 times a fucking day. Just to see if somebody had needed something or something.

That's what I do. But besides, I'm not on there. When I go on the weekends, on the road, that computer I have doesn't let me really do much. It's such a fucking nightmare, that surface. It's such a fucking nightmare. That's what everybody wants to email me, and everybody wants to talk on the fucking computer. You know, I find shit on that computer. When I go on the road, I don't see it on the house computer.

Really? Yeah, it's fucking crazy. That's weird. And going back to not answering the phone, I have a problem now because people know that I'm not at an office during the day. I could fucking a thousand calls that have nothing to do about business. And I feel like if it's a family member or something, I feel like I have to take it. And I look back and it's an hour out of my day, like between two or three phone calls. Like, do you not answer phone calls?

If you taught me how to do that phone shut off. So there's days I should put that on I forget to turn it back on So the fucking phone don't ring And all of a sudden 35 people fucking call it But again, I'm like you, I look at it And I go, I was with my daughter I couldn't answer the phone anyway, so I'm happy

I had this thing off. Yeah, do not disturb, yeah. Yeah, do not disturb thing. You know, that's it. There's times I forget to turn it on at night and it runs the next fucking day. And then I go, fuck, nobody's called. And I go, holy shit, because I don't even look at it.

When I get up in the morning, I don't even look at the phone anymore. I don't turn the TV on. I don't look on the phone no more. Nobody calls me up to 12 no more. I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. Every once in a while, Ralphie calls me early, and I'll call them back, or I'll call them when I get in the car or something.

But besides that, nobody calls me over there and I'm more. I think that's the move because I'm this way, and I think a lot of people in the 20s are this way. In my bed, if Paul is not there, my cell phone and my laptop are next to me. Like in the other person's spot. It's, uh, like that can't be good. Well, you see how much time you're wasting.

You see, and listen, man, I freak out when I go from my phone. I'm a Cuban Jew. I'm thinking 400. I'm thinking 400 and all my numbers. I got to start from fucking scratch now. That's what you start thinking about.

400 and all the numbers you lost. That's all I give a fuck about. I got to start from scratch now. I got a thousand fucking numbers on there that. I've developed over the years. That's what I worry about. You go to your hotel and call. That's why before I get out of the cab, I look everywhere.

When I get a person's car, I look everywhere. Sometimes I take my phone out, put in the door. Oh, no. Yeah, and I get out of the car. You have no fucking idea what I've gone through some time. So now I hold on for this thing. I could have taken this thing in a fucking year ago. I just keep them.

I don't even know what it is. A five, a three, a two, or fucking six. I don't know, and I don't give a fuck. It's got 16 cracks in the fucking screen. I'm going to have to take it eventually. I don't remember if it was in the R.H. If you're a year article or something else that I read today, it was probably the R.A. article.

But it said something like there's more smartphones in Great Britain than there are people. And I was thinking about that. I was like, how can that be? And what it is is, what I think it is, is they somehow tricked us into buying a new phone every two years. They just, they're like, okay, you have a two-year plan. So every two years you buy your phone. And there's really no reason to.

but like I must have four phones at my house just doing nothing what you donate them to the army the army needs old cell phones yeah they refix them somebody was telling me yeah you could donate it from the service okay I had no idea yeah you can go online and they give you an address you can mail it to them and some soldier in Iraq

and have a fucking phone you ever think of that no I hadn't see it's amazing the amount of money we spent on that stuff though oh no and listen these things break they're programmed to break they're programmed to break they're programmed to break every 18 fucking months. There's a thing. You go in there and you take the chip out. Is that true? Have you heard about that? No, I haven't heard about it. There's something in the computer, I think. There's a chip.

It's like a self-destructed chip. Yeah. I don't go in there and you take it out and now the computer lasts long. I don't know if this is true. I heard this for somebody. I wouldn't doubt it. I wouldn't doubt anything that these people are doing. Because I don't want to buy a fucking phone. I don't want to put that much stock

into a phone. Like, I was raised to stay the fuck away from the phone. I didn't start talking to people on the phone until I talk to girls when you're 13. Right, yeah. And you talk to them for hours, I don't give a fuck about that. But to sit there, all fucking, I can't do it no more. I have to

write, I have to pick up the baby. You know, nine other ten times I'm in front of people. I can't pick up a phone. That doesn't stop a lot of people now, though. Yeah, because they're fucking rude. But if I'm in a meeting with Shane and one of those dudes, I can't pick up a fucking phone. Unless

my wife calls me twice. I don't pick up the fucking phone. It means it's an emergency. that's it but then like I was thinking about it I feel bad for people who like I when I had a job job I'd be answering emails calls and stuff 24 hours a day seven days like you must get work emails and it's different because you don't only have a set schedule but at a certain point that's that should stop like you're supposed to have some downtime well let's say I'm out in the button I get work emails a lot of work emails entailed dates I can't give them an answer until I get back home if I'm on the road

Right. I don't bring my book or be on the road. I don't know where I'm going to be that fucking date. I have an idea, roughly. I have an idea, but I never want to put myself in a bad position because I have. No. Oh, yeah. I get home, and also I'm like, fuck, I got that thing.

I fucking 6 o'clock. Now I got to call this guy back and tell him no. So now I have a rule. I've had a rule for a few years before I give you a fucking day. I got to go home and check it out. Well, I mean, that's a good rule. But I mean, even like, at dinner with mercy, you must get a call about work or an email. and a certain point you have to throw it away.

If it's not a Jew from Beverly Hills, that phone ain't getting fucking picked up if I'm with mercy. Plain and fucking simple. Planing fucking simple. If I'm with mercy, I'm at a table with my wife and it's a Jew from Beverly Hills, the phone gets picked up. But if it's not a Jew from Beverly Hills,

you're in no danger of fucking getting picked up, though. I just imagine you have a person. a group on your phone just the Jews from Beverly Hills that's it if you know the Jew from Beverly Hills I don't even think about it I'm with my fucking daughter and with my family what what the fuck you know what the fuck and people won't know some people don't understand that like if you don't respond to a text right away or well you don't respond to text at all but just the phone calls it's too much it's too much it's all fucking day and then you go home and you get emails on all three you know I got four

fucking six eight different ways again email I haven't even approved people I got emails on Lincoln then You understand me? I haven't even fucking signed up for Lincoln then I don't even know I got on there

and I got a fucking emails on Lincoln then okay You have a huge very popular account Yeah like I don't even I don't want to hang out with business associates And the same morons

On my Facebook fucking page The same fucking morons On my Facebook page And the same fucking people on Lincoln then Whatever the fuck it is So I you know I don't know

What the fuck way to go I got a thousand comics calling me up. Did you know that lately? For what? Just a thousand fucking things. I get numbers on my phone. I don't even know. And since I don't have glasses, I can't see him. So if the name's not in there, you're in no fucking danger. I can't see the fucking number. I get 714s, Oshaga, New York. This morning at 8 o'clock, I started getting calls from somebody. I didn't even know. I was outside. I didn't even fucking know until I came up. I got three calls from the same fucking number. No message. You're not getting a call back. You're in no danger.

You call it to your fingers turn fucking pink. But people know they're not supposed to leave a message with you. No, there's no thing no more. It says not to leave. It says not to leave nothing. It's very ambiguous. There's nothing there that's even me. Nothing.

I took all that shit off. Done. No voicemail. No voicemail. If you called me from 10 years ago on that number, you don't know who's got it now. I get people. I wake up some times in this fucking people. Joey, remember me from fucking click.

I don't remember nobody. I don't remember nobody. I don't remember nobody. 915. That's El Paso. That's cocaine. I don't remember nobody. Okay, I got no memories. I don't know who the fuck is calling me. I don't know who the hell it is. Hello. All right, I'll be right out, my love.

Go get this savagely of death. We got my girl Susanna coming in. She's a friend of mine that Felicia introduced me to. Felicia did a documentary that's getting some heat. And it's about, you want to go get it? And it's about, what are you going to be for? Unfucking believable. And it's about, I'll let her tell you, you know, it's, like,

I don't know what the fuck to even call them. I don't know if their sex work is. I don't know what the fuck to call them. But I did one of the scenes for Felicia, and I found her to be really interesting. And I just thought about it for a long time. Like, how many fucking peep shows I had gone to over the years. You know, I didn't even want to say it.

Like, how I met her was the Felicia documentary of her dancing a peep show. So she was kind of naked. So obviously I'm fucking purple the whole time. She's asking me fucking creepy questions and shit. But after I left and I went home, I wanted to know why in my mind I got all creeped up when I went and did that. I mean, she's just a woman. She's just a beautiful fucking woman.

You know, she's a young girl. Whatever the fuck she is, I don't even know how old she is. But why did I get creeped out? So I thought about it. I said instead of me hitting her up or me going down and taking a clothes off or something, why don't I get her on the fucking pocket? And let's talk about what the fuck she does, how she got into it, why she does it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that's it. You know ours, dog.

We keep it fucking simple. It's Bond hit for Jerry's kids on a fucking Wednesday out in the church. So, yeah, it just seemed an interesting topic for me. You know, as a kid in New York City, what's happening, my love? Let Lee go in first, and then you sit in the middle here. Go ahead, Lee. You're a flying, fucking savage, brother. Get into here, my little princess of beauty.

What's happening? Not much, right? I was leaving when my customers was coming in. Oh, Jesus. I'm fucking sorry about it. I like the skirt. It's you. You know what I'm saying?

The skirt is you. I like the tats tonight. They're you. Everything's fucking you. What's going on, Lisa? I had everything good. Did you introduce yourself? I did, yes.

The edible kicked in as soon as I stood up for a second. Good. They're supposed to kick him when you're fucking stand up. What would you like for me to call you on this? Either way, Susanna. Susanna. Susanna. That's what I had you done for us.

what's going on beautiful um not much i'm uh in the middle of a 15 hour shift so you know man people are killing themselves to live that's a lot of fucking work but you're gonna do it you travel you go on the road you do stand up you fucking sing you dance you do burlesque oh no singing you're a woman of a thousand fucking things but i was telling them that i met you when i did the documentary for felicia with you and it was really weird because i've been thinking about ever since that because that night like I didn't know what to think when you took your clothes off and stuff but I kind of froze up you know when I went home I was like why'd I freeze up like that and I just want to get you on the show and talk about what you do I really found you interesting and beautiful so let's bullshit my love what's happened so this shift tonight where are you working at today today I'm working at my main place actually my only place right now it's called aeros station aerostation okay and it's on oxen in Sepulveda. It's a private show place, lingerie modeling, private

dancer, that type of thing. Not like the other place I went to. No, there's no glass between me and the customer. This is just me alone with a stranger in a small room for 20, 30 minutes at a time. Oh, my fucking God. And you have regular, as you said. I do. Yeah. Now, how long have you been in this industry?

Well, when I lived in Chicago in the mid-90s, I did phone sex towards the end of the 90s. and then I quit that. I worked for an independent service, so she didn't have really any, she didn't have any major restrictions on what people could talk about.

And she was, she was a dog lover, so she, no bestiality. No bestiality. And I found that out after I got a dog call and I called her. And I was like, could you please not give me any more animal calls?

And she's like, oh, we don't do that. But here's your next customer. He's a Chester. That's what she used to call the pedophiles. So I worked for her until I got a really, really bad pedophile, like a really terrible call. On the phone.

Yeah, yeah. And then I was just like, I can't listen to this anymore. And then I didn't do anything for, let me think, for several years for like five years. And then, and in that time I'd been married, I moved from Chicago back to Kansas City, got married, moved out to Oregon, moved back to Kansas City, left my husband. And then I started doing stuff again. But I got into it really, I didn't go straight into sex work. You know, all I had done was phone sex. I hadn't done any in-person stuff.

And I met this guy on Craigslist. And, you know, he came out, like, I met him looking for a guy to, to, like, are there language restrictions? No, no, no. Oh, great. So I was looking for a guy to fuck because since I'd left my husband, I'd sort of like worn out all the familiar dick that I knew. So I was looking for a new guy.

And I went on Craigslist, and I was talking to this guy. His name was James, and he shows up in my apartment. And when he shows up, I see the pictures he sent were just completely inaccurate. And I'm like, I can't fuck you. But we both liked the same drugs, and he had some. So we totally hung out, you know, friendly like, and we did for weeks. And then I guess he got tired of hearing me bitch about being broke. You know, the divorce.

Like, it just kills you. Yeah. And my husband had like pilfered money before we split up. And I didn't know that until after we split up and I checked the bit. You know what I mean? So he was like, do you want to work for me? And I'm like, well, what do you do? I assumed it was drugs, but I'm, I'm picky about the type of drugs I'll sell.

Like, I don't want to sell meth or any. I want to be part of the solution. You know, no problem. Right, right. So he said he was a racker. And I was like, I don't know what I'm, are you a stock boy? And he was, and he told me, do you know what racking is? No.

Oh, it's blatant theft from big box stores. You walk in, you fill out a car, and you just walk the fuck out. So that's what we did. And he just needed someone to distract the person in the department that he needed. Because he and the people that were in his crew, crew, they all specialized in different things. And so James didn't steal like cool shit, you know. It was not like TVs. James stole scrapbooking supplies from Hobby Lobby.

And then resold it on eBay. It's a fucking living, man. Right? It's a fucking way. Oh, no. He had a lot of money. And he had a great house. absolutely and so I helped him out with that for a while and one day we made a run from

Kansas City to St. Louis and back and hit like all the hobby lobbies, all the Michaels, all the Joanne Fabrics and Crafts, you know, and we get back and he dropped me off and he had to go do a pill deal because he, of course, he did also sell drugs. And then a couple hours later, he called me and he was bragging about the pill deal. He's like, oh, I just did this big oxy deal. And I have all this money. He's like, would you fuck me for $2,500? and I'm like, absolutely. Yes, absolutely I would. And he was like, kind of take, he was like, oh, but like, first of all, how could you think I would say no? $2,500 is, that's good money, you know, for very little effort. I was going to fuck him for free, you know, if he was accurate

to his pictures, which he wasn't. But so he was like, well, I don't, I don't have it all in cash. Well, would you fuck me for $500? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I would. My rent was like $455 at the time. of course I'm going to fuck you for $500. But then I was like, you know, then I had to ask about the details. I was like, well, no, anal. And he's like, that's fine. You make the rules. And I was like, okay, I'm not sucking anything.

And he's like, that's okay. You make the rules. I'm like, really? Is that okay? I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, how many times do I have to do it? And he was like, you tell me. And so I was like, okay, I'll do it one time. And he's like, no, no, no, 500.

I want more. So we end up doing it two times. And then he ended up fucking me out of money. over the stealing stuff. I mean, he paid me for the fucking. He didn't pay me fully for the stealing. And what he paid me for the fucking, the $500 he paid me for the fucking was the exact amount of money he fucked me out of on the stealing.

On the stealing. Yeah. And then he blew town and went back to Florida. You know, I don't know where else he would be from. So I realized, though, like it really made me think about that, think about sex for money and sex work. And, you know, what was standing in the way? of me doing that because I'd fucked like a ton of dudes for free, you know, and even bought like

many guys enough drinks to like get them drunk enough, you know, and that's a terrible thing to do to someone, but that's, that's fine. And so I, you know, I thought about that and I thought about like the morals and the ethics. And I was never taught that sex was something like special. You know, I was never taught that it was like something that you have to, you really have to love the person and this is what two people who are in love do and you know there's doves flying around and flowers are blooming i was never i was never taught that and so after fucking so many guys that didn't give a shit about me for free i i just sort it just sort of dawned on me like what am i doing you know i can i can get laid and paid you know i can have the the dream so i started doing

stuff on Craigslist. When I was in Kansas City, I was still living there and I started doing sex work on Craigslist and I would look for any ad that mentioned roses because that's dollars. And I would answer, like at first, when I first realized I was one of those people that could compartmentalize and, you know, separate like business fucking from pleasure sex, you know, I just was answering every ad, every ad. I mean, ads, I had no business answering shit. I had no idea how to do. I figured like, I was like, well, it's sex. Like, I'll figure it out. and I didn't always figure it out. One time I broke a paddle on a guy's ass and he asked me to leave his house and then deducted the price of the paddle from what he made me.

But then I stopped. I don't remember why I stopped. Is that a guy? No, no. So guys will put out like what they want and what they're willing to pay for it on Craigslist? Yeah. Well, they won't say dollars though. They'll say roses.

So you look under casual encounter. and, you know, you'll see like, oh, come watch me jerk off in a parking lot. I have 75 roses for you. One time I took a guy's virginity. Well, I thought I took a guy's virginity. Afterwards, you know, my friend, I thought I took a guy's virginity. And I did it really cheap because he was like, oh, I'm 23 and I'm just out of college and I can't afford to pay you much. And I was trying to be a really good person with it. I was trying to be sort of like, you know, I was trying to, I was trying to help people with my pussy. So I was like, well, you know what, that's fine. I'll do it. And he's like, I can take you out to dinner on my dad's credit card. And it was so cute. And so after I did this, I called my friend Justin, and I was bragging about what a good person I was. I was just like, I'm such a good person.

This boy, I took his virginity. He was so sweet. I was nice to him. And Justin's like, you're stupid. And I'm like, no, I'm a good person. And he's like, how do you know he's a virgin? And I was like, well, because he said so. And then it just all sort of hit me.

and then I stopped trying to, you know, be Mother Teresa about it and just stop trying to force the goodness. You've met some characters. Oh, yeah. You've seen the fucking dark side. I have definitely seen the dark side. You know, you dealt with people that are addicted to sex and the straw it away. And I was addicted to coke. I was addicted to the drugs.

So when you're telling me, I'm substituting these. It's all the same thing. It's all the same thing. It's all the same thing. But, you know, that's the same thing with day jobs. It's all the fucking same. If it's not what I want to do, you know, comedy, if I'm not paying my bills through comedy, through storytelling, through being on stage, then I don't give a fuck what I'm doing. You know, I don't care. I'm given a hand job, big deal. It's like less degrading to me than bringing some bitch like extra lemons for her water, you know? It's all the same thing. Same addiction. Same job. It's all the same thing. I think when I moved to Snowmass, I was 19 years old. I lived in Aspen, Colorado.

and I used to work security at a hotel and every fucking time somebody checked in there could be a couple and he would look at me weird and then he would come back to the hallway and he'd go hey you know anybody and I didn't know what he was so I really did not know what the fuck they were talking about

and then after a while people says hey there's escorts.com and these guys are married they got an extra fucking room I was like what the fuck! So you leave your wife in room 212 and go to 318 and fuck somebody else and then just walk out But then I equaled it to drugs Like I would bust into somebody's door and take their fucking drugs in broad daylight Without even thinking about it

Yeah But the whole sexual thing has always been I'm not good at it I'm clunky No, I'm clunky It just never worked out for me Ever since I was a kid A lot of people are

Yeah, I'm fucking bad So it's like something that I've never lost my mind mind over. Do you know what I'm saying? I knew my mom raised me and I knew that when she said something when I was a kid that I couldn't think about what she was saying. She goes, you can't fuck everybody. And I always, oh, though, I said, you know what, there's girls you meet? You ask them up? They say, no, most guys don't talk to them anymore. These guys are allies. So you become their friends, you know, and you have, it's so weird how I always looked at it. It was never a losing situation for me if I asked. But when I lived in, in, in,

In Aspen, I remember walking around, thinking to myself, I'm 19 years old. What am I doing if I was a woman right now? No college education. Let's say I was a woman and I was banging. What the fuck would I be doing at Aspen? Working on a T-shirt store. Giggling. You can get these guys for a thousand a night.

They're flying in. It's in their budget. They got the cash. Three, four nights a week, four weeks, you know, three weeks a month. You got 12 grand. Yeah. That's 140 grand a fucking year or something like that. All unclaimed.

All unclaimed. After five years, you could buy a house, go to Beverly Hills, redo your pussy, and nobody knows a fucking thing. Yeah. Nobody knows nothing. Gone. You relocate to Massachusetts, and you live like Henry Hill the rest of your life. And you got a house, you got a little bit of peace of mind as a woman.

No one knows your past. No one knows your past. You know, I always thought about it. I'm like, how the girl's not doing it? with this but then as you grow you know you meet different women you know i get it i don't get it i get it it's never been a big line with me like i really don't give a fuck and to me it's like you want to get naked you know i've always been one of those dudes but when i was growing up in jersey we would go to the city to peep shows yeah all right and that always seemed the fucking lowest end of death

for me like what i saw was crazy like i used to go to ones on 42nd street and they'd have the rotating table and there'd be some chick with a cesarian scar fucking doped up and some junkie just fucking her and you'd see the acidic Jews in the windows that ain't in the morning

like all fucking whacking off and shit and you'd say this is a complete different fucking world like this is crazy and as soon as you open the door and you step out a guy comes in with a bucket with water, hot water and just mops and goes out of

down, you step right to fucking lease I had. It was surreal. Surreal. How many guys? How big that business is? And then they have the ones that the window opens. And you could suck their tits and shit like that. And my friend Paris Pizzion, the eighth grade, got his neck stuck.

He didn't hear the ring. He didn't hear the fucking ring of it. He got his head stuck in there in the eighth grade. That's hilarious. Have you ever done any porn or just, just? Like the dancing? I... Not really.

I did this... I did this one thing. It was a Craigslist thing back in Kansas City. They were looking for women to read stories, read dirty stories, topless. And it was like $250. And that was more than I'd gotten off Craigslist for a little while. And so I was like, no big deal. I'll do that.

And I had some of the chest tattoos. So I bought... to try and cover him up so I'd be anonymous. And I didn't know anything about makeup or hair at the time. And I took my gay best friend with me as my security. And he brought this guy that he had just started dating. It was like their second date. And it was this hotel room.

It was like a middle-aged couple, you know, could have been anyone. They weren't, like, flashy. They weren't porny. They were just like middle-aged, Midwestern couple. And they just set it up. and filmed me reading a story about my name was, my name was Janessa from Denver, and it was a story about how I was a glory hole girl.

And they sent me a link to it after it was done, and I watched it once, and it was absolutely horrible, just terrible, horrible. But I figured no one's probably going to look at that, and if they do, they get what they, you know. Yeah, no, no, there's no, I have no judgment about it, but it's just that that's the one thing

that I feel is like won't go away as much. Maybe like, and if you were a stripper. I think the emotional scars won't go away, you know, if you have like, yeah, you get, well, I just meant like, like, if you were going to strip in, like, Wyoming, sure, and try to hide out later in life. That's possible. With, with videos, it's kind of on the internet for a problem. I don't know. I mean, I think that there's just so much porn out there. There's so many videos that I don't, I don't, I don't, I mean, I know that that's a concern for a lot of people, but I've never really cared about that. You know, I'll let feet guys, if I get foot customers, I'll let them take a picture of my feet after they're done with them. I mean, and I know feet aren't really a defy of tattoos on my toes, so they're kind of a little more personalized. But I just never really cared about it, you know? I just never figured that any,

Anything in such a huge sea of material, like one person? Like, who's going to stumble on your video? I know it's happened, but. I just talked to a girl about a month and a half ago. She used to hang out the Ha-ha Cafe. You know what, man? That whole time I knew I had no idea what she did. Until she hit me up on Twitter one day.

I was in Long Island. And she goes, I live here now. Can you leave me tickets? And then afterwards, I didn't see her. So I didn't think she really showed up. And then she hit me a few days later. She thanked me. She said,

got drunk and they had to leave. So something happened. She sent me her number for something, and we just tweeted back and forth. And I finally was on the road. And then I wanted me call her now. And I called him the daytime. And that's what she told me in her whole story.

She goes, you didn't know what I was doing. I was a camera girl. A webcam girl? You put the money in the camera, I guess. Yeah. And she goes, but before that, I did porn. And she goes, but the cam stuff was, she was all cracked up.

Because when I met her, she was really skinny, so I couldn't tell what was going on. I knew something was not legit. It wasn't a healthy skinny? Yeah, it was hello, goodbye. That was a funny joke. Is that your dog? Shit like that. That was very light.

So she was telling me that she went back to New York, gained the weight, went to a rehab, got a job in the restaurant as a waitress. And after six weeks, one of the guys in the restaurant said something to him. Oh. And she knows it's been hell ever since for me. restaurant. I won't be you should just quit and get a job. She was not that easy. Yeah. She pays a car payment and a rent and this restaurant pays well. It's a good clientele so but I think with the internet it's just a matter of fucking time. You know, that's fucking crazy people out there and that's one thing that Lee doesn't know

but you know and I know. I mean just now when you said foot guys that just come in and just want to whack off on your feet you know you just want to do crazy shit. Yeah. You sit there from my world, I think it's crazy. From their world, they think it's crazy. I wake up at 7 and smoke dope. You follow me? So, yeah, there's, oh, like, who the fuck gets up at 7 and smoke pot in the morning? But I go somewhere and jerk off on some poor lady's feet or something like that.

What do you charge a guy to whack off on your feet? Well, I mean, technically, I don't do that, of course, because I work legally. They give you a roses. Yeah. It would probably be, you know, generally, if it's 200 roses or more, I'm negotiable for almost, almost anything. Almost anything. Feet guys, I have a soft spot for it because the stripper shoes hurt and I do like a foot rub. So I will, you know. Oh, they'll give you a foot rub.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Feet guys will give you a foot rub. They'll suck on your toes. They don't care how dirty they are. The dirtier, the better usually. And so, you know, it's no big deal. off on my feet, you want me to give you a foot job?

Like, I don't mind that. You're nice enough to rub my feet, even though that's what you're into. So, you know, really you're just getting more than you paid for, but that's okay. I had a friend of my Roger one time. I said, you still get blow jobs from those checks? You go, no, not anymore. I changed my act. They jerked me off with their feet. I thought it was a joke. Obviously, that's true. I first discovered that when I was married, I would have my whole. husband fuck my feet not we didn't like he wasn't a foot guy I wasn't a foot girl but I just I wanted to feel like I was still being affectionate towards him but I'd already started hating him so I figured that

that was like the way to do it while still like keeping some distance between us fuck my feet but yeah it was nice like it feels like a in the in the arch you know it feels like a it's a foot rub it's very nice you just talk to the licky about that like a fucking sneaker with a dick in the arch Chinese people be jumping up and down and shit all the thing. Now, I mean, you're the real fucking deal. I didn't know on this other side. I just thought you danced in the glass

protected, nobody messed with you a while. You know what I'm saying? Are you scared at times? I mean, I look at you and I can tell that you're tough and you've been in some situations. I've had, in the four years that I've worked at the private show place, I've had

at Arrow Station. I've had three customers the entire time that I was uncomfortable with. And one of them, I kept the heel of my shoe right here in his neck to keep him on the couch because he kept trying to get up. And I kept saying, get the fuck down, sit the fuck down. And he just kept trying to get up. So I just put my foot there and I just let the timer run out. And then there were two guys that were just creepy.

They just had just a, I just, you know, really, really bad. feeling and not like they're going to jump on me and rape me but more like they they would kill me like they would kill me in weird which is that sort of really weird energy but um I don't have a lot of fear of it uh I in 2014 this is kind of this is going to sound kind of ignorant but I don't really care uh in 2014 a guy broken to my apartment and assaulted me. I didn't know him. He wasn't a customer. It was nothing like that. It was just fucking,

maybe not random. It was random that it was me. It was not random that it was that apartment. That apartment had problems before. That doesn't matter. Anyway, I didn't fight back. I just yelled at him until he left. I was in shock. He woke me up with it. It was not, I didn't have time to really think about my reaction. And so I didn't get to fight back.

I didn't get to like, you know, I didn't get to fight. And I didn't, I stayed away from work for like a week. And when I went back, I didn't know if I could do it. I went back and I was like, I don't know how I'm going to feel about these situations and being in the room, if I'm going to be like too nervous if it's going to like traumatize me or retramatize or whatever. But it, I actually felt stronger and I felt less nervous about saying, and setting boundaries. And if the customer got upset, big fucking deal.

You get upset. Fine. No refunds. You're upset. Big deal. Oh, you want to do something about it? Good. Give me the chance.

You know, give me the chance to fight back. And that's the part that I think is ignorant because, you know, I feel like now, like now I will, I think I could, I could fight any man. And I know in reality that's, you know, I'm five too out of the shoot. It's not, it probably wouldn't work out very well, but it keeps me feeling, you know, maybe it's a false sense of security, but it's some sort of sense of security and that's enough, usually. No, five foot two. Well, the shoes, though, I mean, the shoes are very, very, like, they're dangerous. They're very dangerous.

You know, the heels of those things. Like I said, I put the heel in the guy's throat because I knew if he, I knew if he moved. You know, if he tried to come at me with a heel in his throat, terrible things would happen to him. So, I don't know, maybe I feel like I wear weapons on my feet. And that gives me. It's fucking crazy that you do this and guys are alone with you. And even at the arrow, there's people there, there, there's cameras, there's got to be some security. There's the cashier who sits in the store up front. And, you know, you're never too far away from the other girl working.

So should you scream or should something bad happen, she would probably hear before the cashier, but something, I mean, like it wouldn't, I'm not worried about it. I don't, I feel very safe there. Most of our clientele have been there for years and, you know, I mean, we do get new guys, but usually they find out about the place from regular customers. So usually the guys that come in, even new ones sort of know the drill and they're, they're, they're, They're better behaved than many guys that I've just dated on the outside, like, for free. Now, you still date? Mm-hmm. Yeah. No steady? Not, not no.

No. Currently no. You tell them what you do? Yeah. They look at them. Well, I mean, it hasn't been easy. No, it's not easy. And there's some guys think that because that's my job, then automatically,

we're not going to be monogamous because automatically if I'm given some due to hand job for work, they can go out and fuck some girl they needed a bar and clearly it's the same thing. I don't feel that way. And when I had a steady boyfriend, I did back off of what I did. I was a bit more chaste with it, you know. But, I don't know. Now you work a lot of hours. Yeah.

You put in some fucking hours. You're busy girl. Yep. This place today, you work at 11 to 1 or something? 10 a.m. to 1 a.m. Jesus Christ. So I had a girl come in to cover the couple hours. I'd be gone, and then I go back and stay there until 1 a.m.

But it's busy the whole day? No. No, no, no. It's dead. I did one show today. I had one customer. We call them shows because that's what they technically are. How many days a week over there?

It depends. Usually I do four, five. Five shifts. This week I have, let's see, I worked yesterday, double today. So one, two, three. I work Friday day and Sunday day. So I'll do five shifts this week. And we were closed for like three months because of licensing issues.

So we just opened up. So not all of our regular customers know that we're open again. So it's been, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's always kind of dead, but it's been pretty dead. the past couple weeks. I'm still good. I've got all sorts of water.

Now you do comedy. How much comedy do you go out during the week? Do you get out? You know, I worked the road pretty steadily until I moved out to L.A. five years ago. And, you know, I was featuring and can't really always afford to fly back to the Midwest or fly anywhere for feature money.

That's a fucking nightmare. So I just didn't really, I didn't really realize that I didn't realize that people didn't come to L.A. to work the road, that they came here to stay here and write shitty TV shows or good TV shows, you know, to write and to do movies. I just, I thought that moving out here would help me on the road. I thought it would help me, you know, I read the art of war,

and I thought that this was attacking the enemy from a different location. And, uh, Yeah. So I thought that I was coming out here to really build up my career. And I came out here and it really fucking killed it. This is a different animal. Yeah. It's a different animal. You have to be prepared for it in a lot of ways. You have to be at the right place at the right time.

You don't know what the fuck that is. Yeah. You never know what the fuck that is, you know. That's why I got into sex work out here because it was the only job I could find that would be flexible enough to allow me to travel. And when I did, when I first moved out here, I was traveling. The first couple of years, I was still on the road a bit. But, you know, that's why I got into it out here. It was the only thing I could find that would let me still do comedy.

So that's, it's worked out well. I run a couple shows in town. I mean, and I do get up fairly regularly, definitely, usually at least a couple times a week. So you bang it out. You bang out the fucking comedy? Yeah. You bang out the work, you travel. Yeah.

Because you were just gone for 10 days. Yep. I did the fringe festival in Kansas City. It was my 10th year doing it. What's the fringe festival? It's just, well, it's like the one in Edinburgh. These are all, like all the domestic ones are just kind of offshoots of that one. So it's sort of a performing arts festival.

The Kansas City one, I don't really know about a lot of the others. Kansas City has a visual arts component too and a film component as well. But it's primarily performance art. a lot of shows and a lot of performers that wouldn't get into other festivals, it's more accessible for them. And there's a lot more experimental performances. So I've done in 10 years, let's see, I started doing it when I was performing, when I was doing a lot of burlesque.

And then when I moved out here in 2011, I started doing, I started, I would go back for it and I would do solo shows. And this one that I just did is my third. third was my third solo show. And I got my first standing up, first two standing ovations in 20 years of doing comedy, first two standing ovations. Good for you, man. Yeah.

I didn't know what was happening, the first one, because I say, I just go good night, and I get off stage and I go backstage. And they just kept clapping. And I was back there, and I'm like, well, they'll stop. And then they didn't. I was like, what the fuck are they doing? Why aren't they stopping? Stop clapping.

And then my tech guy came back and he's like, you know, you're supposed to go back out there. And I'm like, why would I go back out there? The show's over. And he goes, well, they're standing up and they're clapping. And I was like, what? What are you talking about? It was something, yeah, that was a, that was a real, like, changer. Let me ask you this.

Is there an end game? Is there one day you wake up and you go, I'm not home? Yeah. To that box anymore and dancing or whatever. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when I don't have to, when I don't need to have that job to pay my bills, absolutely. Absolutely. And now does the, is common?

You still like that dream. Like when a guy like me comes in, who wants the fucking freak out? And you know, like, wait a second, I have a dream. I'll put up with this. I have a dream.

So is that still your dream to do comedy? You still feel it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Comedy storytelling, absolutely. Like, those are the solo shows. I combine those too,

and I really like, I really like that format. You know, I like not performing with so many limitations with comedy. Like, if you're just in a mainstream comedy club, they have expectations. You're going to get up there. within 30 seconds you're going to have a laugh, which I never had a problem with, FYI.

But, you know, they, you want a premise set up punchline, premise set up punchline. They don't want a lot of deviation. And with storytelling shows, they don't really want stand-up. But if I do my own show, if it's a solo show, I can do whatever I want to do. And I work. You can just go in and out. Yeah. You can just go in and stand-up, dance, jump up and down, tell a story.

Absolutely. And start all over again. So it's pretty innovative. I like that idea. Yeah. I work better when I don't have a lot of, like, when I don't have limitations, I work better. I work better without, like, a lot of things imposed, rules imposed on me. I was raised to not really respect authority.

And so I think that's, I don't know, I think that's probably why I had problems with a few club owners. Do you ever talk about your sex work on stage? Mm-hmm. Because I was thinking, like, it's amazing that more comics don't do that. Because, like, Joey, you had a life, like a crazy life before stand-up. Now, Julian, you have a life that not a lot of people can relate. Like, they can't even imagine. So it'll be pretty cool to talk about it.

I talk about the stripping. And if I'm doing the storytelling, then I feel like it's easier to talk about the sex work to get more into it. But I think with just stand-up, it would take so much time to explain what I do that, you know, any jokes that come from it, it's too much setup. It's too much setup required to. Well, for a comedy club, once you say fucking stripper, you lose the guys. That's it. They're looking at you from a different perspective now. Yeah.

And now the women are like, what the fuck? Yeah. So it's kind of weird. I can soften that because my jokes are really, the jokes about being a stripper are how about. how bad I was. When I was at a strip club, I mean, I was terrible. I was just horrible. I'd done burlesque and I didn't think there was, I thought that was stripping and it's so not. And I was just, I just was terrible. I was at his topless joint right up on Lancasham, Stargarden. And this girl that hired me was someone I knew from burlesk. And so I just didn't realize there was like much of

a difference. So I was up on stage wearing like fringed panties and I was trying to do like gloves. peels and these guys are just sitting there like what are you doing just show us your tits and don't smile you know and uh yeah so i think that because i'm coming at it from not a perspective of like i was a great stripper i am a powerful stripper i think because but isn't that the the truth with most comedy like the underdog always always is appreciated you know nobody wants to hear you talk about how great you are. Everyone wants to hear about like what you've overcome. I mean, in a funny way, of course. Everyone wants to hear about how the bad times, ah, but we can laugh at them, you know, nobody wants to hear about how great your day went, unless it went great for a really weird reason,

you know, nobody wants to hear about the day you checked off everything on your to-do list. You know, well, I went to the post office today. Everything went fine. I went to the grocery store. Everything was fine. Picked up the kids. They were a treat. Nobody, that's not funny, you know? If your to-do list includes like, I fucking, I ended up in Mexico trying to buy pills and everything went fine and everything went great. That's different. But nobody wants to hear about benign bullshit.

I don't think. Now, you do spots at the improv and stuff. I know that, right? One of my shows is at the improv. And you can, what's the show at the improv? It's called B funny. It's a stand-up spelling bee. Okay.

I'm really good speller. I'm sure they can spell really well. And then where's the other show you do? The other one is called Dirty Birdy Story Hour, and it's a storytelling show themed around deviance, not just sexual, but any kind of deviance. And that's at three clubs in Hollywood. No shit. Anytime you would fraced my stage.

You hit it from all fucking angles, don't you? Yeah. That's tremendous, that. And I'm starting another show, actually, on my birthday, August 22nd, and it's a brand new concept. I don't think anyone has ever done it. It's not stand-up. It's not storytelling. it's something else.

What is it? Conversations. It's called we need to talk. And it's a celebration of the Lost Heart of Conversation because I'm tired of not talking to people. I'm tired of just looking at my phone or texting people. I went on like a pre-date with a guy

that I was really, really into. And we texted, and I'm really great at texting. I'm really great at it. I was witty. I was charming. Awesome. And then I went to hang out with him and I mean, granted, I was pretty high, but he was too.

And we were sitting on opposite couches and it just felt like a job interview. And I couldn't just, I couldn't have like a natural conversation with this person. And I just, I hate that. I want to be able to have conversations again. And I think that everyone should have conversations again. Get out of the phone, you know, just face out of the phone and talk to a person. So that's, that's what I'm doing. It's the show comprised of 10, 5-minute,

conversations with me, seven booked three audience members. That's crazy. Try it. Listen, then, at least you're working from, you know what you want to do. A lot of comics come out here,

and you made some great points tonight with the conventional comedy. I mean, you go to comedy club, then I don't want to fuck around. You know what I'm saying? You could fuck around in the middle, but they want you to grab them. They want you to sell drinks.

They want you to do a thousand things. So it's the business side of it. Yes, I was sitting in it's funny how I learned to become a comic at the comedy store, but I learned the comedy business at the improv. It's so weird when I grabbed from both those clubs, you know? And the improv, they're great because they're open to ideas. You go up to the improv and go, I want to do this show.

Okay, we'll give it a shot for three weeks and we get people talk about other things, you know, but like I'm done. Like people come to me all the time and I have a new idea and I want you to do it. What is it? It's a stand-up show for TV. I don't think people want to watch that anymore. You have the show on fucking whatever. You have Comedy Central and you have HBO and you have showtime.

You know, what kind of show are you going to do? I was always looking for a show like what you're saying. You know, maybe have storytelling, 10 minutes of comedy with a panel. I don't fucking know. Yeah. But it's 2017. It's time to mix it up a little bit, you know? Yeah.

I don't have the balls. Like I've always spoken to lead of traveling with the podcast. And I just don't have the balls. I don't have the time. I don't have the time to travel with the podcast. Because you're busy traveling for comedy and doing comedy stuff. Yeah, I'm doing comedy stuff. And I'm burnt down.

I'm an old fucking man. It takes a lot out of you to fly. This last week I flew and I don't feel too fucking good. Really? I mean, please feel free to pass any gigs that you are too tired to do. No, no, no. To a bedraggled stripper. What I do is, listen, I know my situation.

So I book light. I know what I can do and I know what I can't do. Yeah. You know, I know, I know. I know already. So ask me and I'll tell you, I know what I can do and I know what I can't do. You know, I have a family. So I got to be there between four and seven, four and seven 30.

So I just have all these little restrictions on me now. Not to mention when I go to the comedy store, I got home at 12 fucking 45. Yeah. That means I fall asleep at two. that means I'm behind the fucking eight ball. So that's the other thing that I'm thinking about lately, like just doing comedy on the road and just staying in during the week

and doing the fucking podcast. It's so weirdly and I, before you came, we were talking about the process. And part of the process is obstacles that get thrown at you and you have to fucking go around them to continue your life, to make your life run smooth, you know?

And who the fuck knew? I was going to have a fucking baby at 50, you know? Who the fuck knew? The podcast was going to make people come to comedy shows. Yeah. Who the fuck knew? I didn't know. But you talk, you do something, you stick to it.

They feel your belief. And next thing, you know, the wheels are in fucking motion. You know, Lee, when we started this podcast in that fucking office before the baby was born, did you think we'd have an office down here five years later? And the process has been tremendous. What was the whole fucking process? We just stuck with it. We didn't do nothing that nobody else didn't fucking do.

And I think I just answered my own inner turmoil. I was just about to say, like, I didn't think about it. I didn't really, I was just having fun doing the podcast. I really never thought about five years down the road. And that's weird for me because that's usually what I obsess about. Yeah? So, yeah, oh, yeah. I didn't think about, like, things like, like business things or where things are going when I was first doing comedy.

And I really burned a lot of bridges that I was never able to rebuild. So did I. Yeah. So did I. I didn't think I was going to get this far. I didn't think I was going to stick with it. So I didn't really give a fuck. I didn't really give a fuck.

You know, I thought about it from a comedians. At first, you know, we're all our noses open. And we want to take every gig. But then one day you talk to a friend of yours, and he's like, don't do that fucking gig. Yeah. That guy's a thief or whatever. And then you start saying no.

You start making little fucking moves, you know? I have fucked over. I mean, I wouldn't send the tape. Like, I just read you just send you a fucking tape. All right? You're looking, who's your feature this week? Susanna, get her on the fucking hotel phone right now. We worked two weeks ago.

What the fuck tape? You're not going to look at the fucking tape. I've never gotten anything with a tape. No, so that's why I never said the tape. I refused. I refused. You know, so right there is they're talking to you. Right there is they talking to you.

Uh-huh. And what do you do? I'm a feature. Okay. They put an earbud on and they're talking to you. Yeah, okay. And they see if you're dirty or not and shit, right? They think, okay, email you me your veils in three weeks and I'll let you know what's going on, whatever.

But there were just things I thought were just power moves. I didn't fucking like it and I didn't appreciate. Yeah. You know, you and I have the same animal a lot of ways. I'm sitting here looking at you going with the same animal in a lot of ways. the only problem with me is I'm half a prude I'm a half a fucking prude that probably makes it even better just the fact that she could make you blush

oh no she she knows it that I'm like my fucking you know I'm like a half of fucking prude so I could have gone the other way I just wouldn't know what service I could have offered you know I couldn't offer no fucking services no women I'm clunky and shit are there guys that do that? Fuck yeah for women yeah fuck yeah the American jails Gigolo and shirt, rich in gear, 81.

Stop it. Going over the freak's houses right on, Belly Hills, getting three grand of pop, yeah. Silk shirts and shit, Lisa. We'll make you one of those motherfuckers down there, belly hell. Going down there, slinking dick down there. Some little, you got to give him a back rub firstly. Yeah.

I just never imagined the girl would want that. Well, like a lot of, you know, best case scenario, High-powered rich women don't want the bullshit of dating so they're like okay. I need someone to go with me to this event Let me find someone real pretty. Yeah, that's badass. And then he's gonna fuck me afterwards because I'm gonna pay him enough money You know and I don't well, I don't want to say anything Go go what the fuck I think a lot of those a lot of the Gigalows are gay or gay men Why just so they don't have any like emotional?

feeling for it or like I don't I don't know if that's the reason I don't know if it's like I don't know I mean I'm I know there's straight men that do it too but I don't know if they get like overly excited like like a little dog just jumping up like oh I get to fuck you for money oh yay you know I don't know if it's if it's if it's just I'm not really sure because I've never really it's not that's not my bag yeah I was going to say then like I would like to pretend that that wouldn't be me but if anyone offered me that that would be I think I'm going to Why don't we put you on fucking the magazines showing that? Craiglist.

Cute little Jew will come over your house and holocaust your pussy. Tremendous with a picture of Hitler on that. Forget about it. You'll be getting 10 fucking calls an hour. Suzanne only will be making 10% off you making fucking a G-D-D-D-O-A-day. That's it right there. That's great. I just found my out.

Listen, Ron Jeremy never won a fucking Mr. America contest. No. And he made millions of dollars Fucking fucking women Yeah, but I don't have Ron Jeremy's dick Who knows? Maybe you got something A different pizzazz

Maybe you got the ass of a star Maybe women will love your legs They'll say you got to have legs like Elvis They love the hair on your leg You never know Lee You gotta give me a shot There's a fetish category for Whatever you are

Whoever you are Whatever you have There's someone that wants to watch it You show up dressed off Who play? What's Sean Penn? What's that character he played in the You show up dressed like Kleinfeld

the fucking attorney Jew and fucking what's that movie Carlino's way remember? I didn't see that one. See, this is why I can't talk to you the world. It's why I can't talk to him. Well, it's shown Penn's greatest performances. You never fucking saw it. Because yeah, you just say you could come over dressed as a

as a seed. You come over dressed as a judge, an attorney. You could be a thousand different fucking characters, little rimmed glasses. I got ideas now. 10% goes to Uncle Joey. I can pimp you out down in Beverly Hills called the city. and shit, Brett, whatever he is. I'll do it.

That's crazy. Now, the other job you had, behind the glass, I can't touch you that, correct? There's lap dances there as well. At the other place? Yeah, there's a peep shows and lap dances. And so technically, no, you can't touch. But, you know, lap dances or lap dances.

And if you tip, you know, they're better lap dances. I thought you just did the boot thing that was in over there. That was always very interesting to me. I thought about you and I said, you know what, man, I got to talk to why I have this fear of all this sex shit. Like it just makes me go fuck. Like I feel fucked up when I walk into those places. Well, I mean, they're kind of fucked up places. Like, that place is dirty.

Dirty place. Yeah, but I've never gone to one of those places that ain't dirty. That's what gives it a certain position. Exactly. That's the poetry of it. That's what I loved about it. I went to a place one time that. I don't know if people have PTSD or people had trauma.

But I got to tell you something, that night fucked me up for a couple years. Because I saw some weird shit that night. In the early 80s, New York City was a fucking, you know, just the king of that shit. When I was in the fucking seventh grade, I had these two brothers. Juan and Alberto Ali. One was legit. The other one got hit in the head with a rock. In fact, one day I hit him in the head with a fucking rock.

I grew it up in the end, he looked up, they hit him right here. And he had a lump with a fucking cyst in the middle. But we used to hit each other with light bulbs from Dura Test, like the long ones and little ones, because they would always have dysfunctional fucking light bulbs, and they just throw them in the dumps. And he would make a long story short. These kids were in the fucking eighth grade.

She was 13. Humberto was stupid. So he was maybe 15, but he was still in the eighth grade. Two different classes. They came from Cuba, so they don't know to speak English. So until you learn, they just kept you in the seventh grade. And then when you got to the seventh grade and B-16 or driving, they put you in a program called the pilot program.

And you went to high school as a sophomore. So it was kind of weird. But anyway, to make a long story short, having to be in the seventh and eighth grade with Alberto and won, and they would come to school on Monday and break down how they would take a bus to the Bronx. and go to a place, and they'd take you to a place, and you picked a girl, and my heart would stop, as they were telling me the stories,

how the chick would wash your dick, and then she would fuck you, asking what you wanted, and it was like cheap. I would sit there and go, what the fuck are you talking about? And I never thought about it, my perverted mind. And years later, I went out with these guys. When I, the kid had a candy truck, and they took me over to this place called a 1040 club.

And it was 999 plus tax. 10 fucking 40. It's 1982, 1040. And I don't remember if you paid when you were back there. I don't remember if you paid extra when you were back there. But they threw you

into a lounge. All these guys were cloned on that were looking to score all night. Like those guys come in like at one in the morning and now they can't score so they want to get some pussy. Yeah. And I don't forget to ask him like, Pablo, you can want it. It was a one. I go, you come here a lot. And he's like,

Yeah, I come here all the time. It's great. The girls are great. They were from another country. They didn't fucking speak the language. They were scared to be there. And they were fucking Susanna and cubicles. Yeah.

Like there was no room, Jack. Yeah. It was office cubicles. And you would just go into the office cubicle. And that was just a wall. And she would take a bucket out from under the bed and pour water on it. And then have a sponge and she'd wash your dick. Let me explain some to you.

I had never experienced anxiety. this one I started washing my dick with this fucking sponge and then she asked me what I wanted to do I couldn't even talk Susanna I was like I couldn't even talk so I just laid down she got on top of me and she started bouncing

and I couldn't stop like thinking of all the shit that was going to happen to me like I just couldn't stop and the bed kept going right right right it was one of those beds and he just opened up and there was a thin mattress in the middle and it had been used for years

and she's on top of here I don't know what to do. I couldn't come. I couldn't react. I just lay it in the middle. After two minutes, she just stopped. And she goes, you know, for an extra $10, you can eat my pussy. And I remember, like, I just threw her off me.

And I just put my pants on and ran out of that. And that was it for me. That was it. Like, that was it for me. Was it the impersonal nature of it? Or the fact that it was reduced to such a business endeavor? Both. Both. Both. It was just fucking horrific. I couldn't believe guys were in there. Like, it just fucking killed me. And then, you know, I was a half a fag. I had regular girlfriends and shit. I didn't really know nothing about nothing. And then when I got into comedy in 91, I got divorced, and then I started doing comedy, and I started meeting people on the road. And I met this one girl that just took me for the ride of my life. I still talked to her. I still talk to. She's crazy. She got two kids now. She married an Indian dude that was 80.

And he died and left the three million. All this chick has, oh, yeah. But she still strips once a week in the town over. So I think she lives like in Sarasota. She strips in Tampa. And she's got a living boyfriend. He doesn't know what she's just a fucking hell. You know, she's just a real deal. You can't even contain that shit with the animalistic shit in her heart. But I got to tell you something. At that time, I had been to prison. I had done a thousand things. She was telling me shit, but I was like my drawer would draw. Like she was telling me stories of her going to college

and some guy was paying her rent and fuck her once a week. And that's it. Sugar Daddy. Yeah, he'd just come over, fuck her and leave. He didn't care what she did, nothing. If she had to take a trip somewhere, she would go with him and he'd give an extra $3,000 fucking dollars. It was just, I didn't know about this world.

I swear to God, I had no idea about this world. man, it was fucking crazy to me. So, I ended up dating her for like four years and it was just an experience going to pick her up

at the strip club. Like, you know, and driving home I just felt fucking, and it was weird because a friend of mine always says that one day I got really funny.

When her and I broke up, everything in my life changed. Because it seemed like me being with her was holding me back like something was fucking with me. And it was. It really was fucking with me.

You know, she was on a strip club. She was hustling. I knew what she was fucking doing. I'm not fucking retarded. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You can't bullshit a bullshit. You know what you fucking doing?

So it just, it's weird. Today I still talk to her because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been in L.A. So I don't forget anybody. Yeah, that's the truth. It doesn't matter. She was the one that said, let's go to fucking L.A.

Let's give her shot, you know. So I can't put it down for any reason. It was her balls that got me here. So let me give some shout-outs, and I'll get you. fuck out of it. With my glasses. I'm going old. Don't forget Denver this weekend and next Friday the Ice House. Dylan Bailey,

Bolloy, John Cutler and Amy Margaret Oliver, Crystal Oaks, Daven, Cole, Jr., Brett Rogers, Joey Rookland making it happen, Randy Hill, Joshua Manculo, Mancuso, and Greg and Lynn up there in Seattle. I owe you a call, Greg. I didn't forget.

about you cocksucker. That's it. I got to go to Denver this weekend, man. I got to tell you something. I think that's what fuck me got me sick this week. Just the daughter going to Denver. The hairs of my neck's been sticking up. You don't have a 26-year-old daughter.

No. And she wasn't, she doesn't let me bolder. But my ex-linson is in bold. We haven't talked. We just don't talk. So every time I go to work, Denver, I just feel shitty for a few minutes when I go to Denver, you know? I lived in Denver in that area for a long time.

And it's a real beautiful city. And I always felt like I disrespect. Like I got arrested in. Well, this is a fucking rocket ship. It's like the fucking Twilight Zone. You know, I always felt like I disrespected it. Like, I got arrested there. I went to prison and fucking Boulder.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I got caught for kidnapping in Boulder and shit. Yeah. Yeah, it was a fun day. So the crazy thing is that now I've always been ashamed to going back to Colorado. Like I always been in the mountains are beautiful and disrespect at the mountains.

You know, I thought this way for years. So for years, I was banned from this club in Denver. That's what made me leave Denver getting banned from the Comedy Works. Oh, yeah. You follow me? So once I got banned from the Comedy Works, I was like, what the fuck am I going to do with both?

The work, McHelves, Witsend, when we're going to do that? Die, the debt, die. So I had my daughter who was five at the time. And I just talked to the mom and said, I got to move to Loweby's. LA and then we kept the relationship cool for a few years, but then it just went sound. She was like 10 or 11. They went to England for two years.

So the daughter doesn't talk to you? No, we don't talk at all. I've tried. You know, I've made an effort. But what are you going to do? So every time I go back there, it's just a weird feeling that you get, you know, like your little neck hair stick up and shit. It's fine. I go back there, do my comedy.

I get some green chili. I go for a walk in the night altitude. And I get to see, this is the first club I ever got on. stage at June 18th, 1991. Oh, wow. This is the first fucking club that ever got on stage on. So it's always great to,

when I got banned from there, it was pretty, it's really weird. Leeland, before you show up, we're talking about the process of your life. And the things that happen, what happens to your mind, like you think you're dead. And you really not have a dead to you're dead.

You're not dead today put you in a fucking casket. You're not dead to your fucking dead, man. Because I thought I was banned from the fucking comedy. Like people would say that be her, hey, I want to bring Joey Diaz to feature that she'd go. Not a million years. You're banned for life. And I bumped into her in Denver at the oddball tour.

And she goes, are you mad at me? I go, why would I be mad at you? Because of you, I did something with my life. You forced me to do something. You pushed the hand. I had to come out of here and leave and move to Seattle and start from scratch. So now I'm working for her again. After that, she called my agent.

She goes, we had to talk. I want to book him with my fucking. club so everything you know this is where i started so this is like kind of uh emotional when i go back there i get that i got no ties i got no war it's not like that you know everything's cool i just go back there relax and do comedy and eat chilling i'm looking fucking forward to him and i really am i'm looking forward to this weekend it's one of those weekends there's one of the best clubs of the country have you ever stepped for in there no i talked her on the phone once in the 90s yeah the comedy works downtown that's uh yeah it's been there a long time it's been there for sure

for 25 years because that's when I stepped on the fucking stage and it was probably in there 15 years before that. So they have another one now. That's in a more suburbia, I would make it. That's the improv, right? No, the Improv. Comedy Works has two locations. Comedy Works has two locations and then the improv.

The Improv is a nice club. I worked that one first. Before I worked in Comedy Works, I worked the Imprope. Nice place. I was going into Denver for a burlesque fest and I saw Al Canel in the airport who was managing the improv at the time and I hadn't seen Al for years. Al, you know, quote unquote, managed me for like a few minutes, real few minutes. And, yeah, he said it was a nice place and such a great guy.

I think he's back in Missouri now. Listen, man, I'm happy you came in here. Thank you so much for having me. I didn't think you'd open up as much as you did. It was very interesting. I'm an open book. No, I know. Now, what's the name of the documentary you did with Felicia?

Felicia's documentary is called Purve. Perv. And the web series that I created was called Peepin Comics. And, yeah, it should be very interesting. Now, what's a pedophile? A pedophile? Is somebody who molest kids? Yeah, well, someone who is attracted to children.

Someone who sexually attracted to children, you know, whether they act on it or not, you know, the urges are. Well, before you said pedophile, and I try to put two and to the head. If they're in there, giving you a foot rub, then I don't. pedophiles no but maybe maybe they're pedophiles in training working themselves backwards it's a pot a potophile right podiatry is foot doctoring so wouldn't pote it listen man it's it's an it's I love a woman's foot in this shoe I really love a woman's foot the shoe when I see a woman's ugly foot and she's got the wrong fucking shoe it pisses me to to fuck off. You understand me?

Yeah. When they got a long foot and they put them in the long in those launch pad shoes. And they have a twist around their ankle. Don't do that. Makes your foot look fucking longer. Don't do that shit. You know what I'm saying? There's different shoes. I always, I love women's shoes. But I gotta tell you something.

I would never suck a woman's toe. Never? Not even if it's super, super clean. Fuck, no. No? No. No. No. No. No. No. I wish I could do a replay because when she was saying that, I switched to your camera because your eyes were just, You were just so sad.

Oh yeah. Fuck, no. I don't know that I would suck a guy's toes. Oh, no. And I don't. I generally, unless the money is really, really good, I do not go near man ass. Or if I'm in love. If I'm in love, I'll put a finger in the ass.

But men's asses, no. No, they're disgusting. I had too many bad experiences with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your finger fucking stinks for two fucking weeks and shit. Then you can't sneeze. Nail brush. Yeah, you got to get the nail brush.

No, no, no. I know what's in my. I wouldn't let you go in there. It's fucking disgusting. Because you're a gentleman. You're a gentleman and a scholar. No, you have to bathe if you've got to go into those fucking places and shit. You can't go in there all fucking stink.

You got to go home and put some cologne on. Whatever the fuck you got. I don't wear a cologne, but personally, whatever to fuck it. It's just, uh, I like you. I like you. I think that you're interesting as fuck. I think you're out the box. Thank you.

Completely different than the rest of the broad. you talked in LA. They're all cut from the same cooking. They're all chasing the same nickel. It's nice to know you're not chasing the same nickel. You know, we have a time right now in this country where we're about to get the Lilith Fair. You know, I mean, I can't blame him. I mean, Trump's fucking retarded.

So they give you the, I mean, he just talked his way out of this fucking thing. Absolutely. And we have this Lilith Fair, you know, and you see all these women with women power and stuff. I think real woman power is when I see a woman like you. Thank you. When I see a woman that is living life under her fucking terms. It scares the shit out of me. You know, now I'm, now I got to add you to my life.

I got to think about your three and the woman that you make it home tonight. That some guy trying to bite her fucking toe up. But you, uh... I'll always make it home, don't worry. You go to Starbucks and you see these women who think they're, uh, they're doing something. They went and watched that fucking stupid. movie, you know, what's the movie with, she went over to Saigon, they eat the hummus, what's that movie with the chick from Santa of Alive?

Oh, oh, the, the, uh, three words, yeah. No, the other one. That's the other one. This is the one that came. Oh, I thought it was that one. No, that's the one with, uh, pretty rumors. Right. The one that came out with the chick from Santa Lime that she gets up with the guy and she goes

over to fucking Iran and she meets Turkish people and shit like that. You know, you see those women. And they're sitting there at a fucking Starbucks talking about their adventures and fucking Bangladesh and shit and three other women like sitting there drooling from themselves. And then again I see a woman like you who's banging it out.

The real deal. Banging it out. Doing comedy. You know, listening to fucking perverts and shit, which at the end of the day you don't listen. So when you do comedy as a woman, every fucking night you get abused. Every fucking night. Somebody says, night's tits. You got a nice ass.

You know, you always, Open up the fucking stripper gate on these fucking morons. Yeah. It's a fucking nightmare as a woman. Trust me, I was on the other side of that. So I know how creepy we get at times. But, you know, On the road, I've been treated worse by the men in the comedy industry

than I've ever been treated by the guys that I've stripped for or done whatever for. You know, I've, I had a club owner asked me to blow his landlord between shows on a Friday once. It was right after the only, the only time I ever got fired from a club. And so when he asked me to come in the office, I was like, oh, shit, I'm going to get fired again. Oh, no, because I thought it was just a snowball thing. And I went and he goes, my landlord is at the show. And I was like, I'm really going to get fired.

And he goes, and he liked you. And then I was like, I don't know what's happening now. And he goes, would you blow him? And he must have seen my face like just fall or do something because he goes, oh, no, no, no, no, no, I would pay you. So, yeah. Did you negotiate? No, no, no. I was just like, no.

No, no. That's good that you keep them. I was like 23 at the time. Yeah, you keep them separated. Well, this was before any of that. This was. Yeah, because once you get one blow job on the road,

you'll never stop. They don't fucking hunt you down like a fucking barricle of these motherfuckers. Lee, what do you got going on, cocklecker? What do I got going on? I have a couple more podcast this week and, and, uh,

Paula comes back Sunday. She comes back Sunday. It's over. You're locking her up Sunday night. It's over and shit. Yeah, she's in Rome with Henry, actually, Henry's there.

Oh, my God. Henry who? I'm from Juditu. Henry? Yeah. Who's Henry? Henry, who were here? Yeah.

Henry, yeah. Who not? Okay, nice. Nice. All right. And that's it. That's a... I'm trying to think of what else I have.

No, that's it. Yeah. That's all you got. Don't worry about. I got to go to Den. I'll be back Sunday. Next week we're on. We're on Monday.

And Wednesday next week. I want to thank Susanna Lee. Right? Yes. Thank you. For coming on the show tonight. I also want to thank you. our sponsors. Number one, as usual, on it. I love you, motherfuckers. I've been doing the mixed greens

lately, and it's tremendous. I've been taking the Shroom Tech again. It's tremendous. I've been back on the hemp force protein again. You know, I got a box every like three months. I bother them, and I get reacquainted with the products and shit like that. And I'm going to tell you, it's better than fucking ever. The Shroom Tech, I got my blue belt. Something must have happened, so you have that there. Number two, speaking about blue belts, geese, Rash guards, bags, gie bags. They have one of the best, you know how I always talk about preparation? Absolutely.

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Jitsu bag, Datusar. Look at that one I have. It's fucking phenomenal. I'll take a picture next time I go to Jijitsu. I love you. Coxuckers. Thank you for coming on, my little princess. Thank you for coming on. I want to thank On it. I want to thank Datsu Sara. And I want to thank all you motherfuckers for listening and give me your time. Have a great weekend. Be safe and we'll be back Monday. Stay black. This show was brought to you

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