The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #408 - Willie Barcena

Episode Date: August 25, 2016

Willie Barcena, Comedian seen on the Tonight Show and his special on Netflix, "The Truth Hurts," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order.   Recorded live on 08/24/2016.    

This show is brought to you by Datsusara. Go to D.Sgear.com and check out their extremely high quality functional gear that's made with hemp textiles. They have bags, geese, rash guards, and much, much more, including the infamous fanny pack. Go to DSgear.com right now and use Coburn Joey to get 5% off. And they sponsor EBI on September, fucking 11th, I think, on a Sunday at the Orphium Theater. They are the true fucking sponsors of EBI. That's awesome. The EBI, and they also are probably going to be the math therapy thing.

They're a great company, DSgear.com, Codeword Joey. Show is also brought to you by Onond.com. Go to Onet.com and use CodeBrit Church to get 10% off all of their amazing optimization products like AlphaBrain, New Mood, Shrm Tech Immune, and Strum Tech Sport. Oh shit. It's Wednesday motherfucking night. Lee Syatt, Willie Barsana, the church of what's happening now. Oh shit. It's going down, cock suckers.

Kick that mulee. Bangin it. Bang, bang it. Kick that fucking mulee. Blow up some speakers, cossucker. I want fire coming out of those fucking things. It's a beautiful evening here in Southern California. It's like fucking 80 degrees.

It's going to be hot again tomorrow. Who gives a fuck? What's happening? What's up? Thanks for having me, brother. Always. What's going on, Lee Syatt? You sexy motherfucker, you?

I had a fun day. I was... It was funny. I came in, I was like, what do you think about doing a gravity bomb? And you weren't a big fan.

No, because you have a hard time with this regular fucking bonn. I'm going to make all this shit for nothing. You have a hard time with this. Your face turned red before you were sweating. Your legs were sweating. Everything sweats. The bonds are fucking crazy.

It's tremendous. That's why you're fucking hit them. What's happening, Willie Barcena? Good, brother, man. I just enjoying the scene, man. You guys are,

this is laid back. I think all interviews should be like this. It's not. All interviews should smell this good. It's not even a fucking. interview. This is a conversation. Yeah, I know.

Where the fuck it goes? I'm happy you're here tonight because one of the things, a lot of comedians, young comedians, listen to this shit. And I didn't, you know, it's scary, Willie, if I tell you this. Like, I didn't even think about it until 15 years in. Like, I had a notebook and I would write the joke.

Right. And that was it. There was no tag. There was nothing. For 15 years, I got over on just energy and just driving in a car to the comedy store and thinking about what I was going to say. Right.

And sometimes it would go my way, and sometimes it wouldn't. Well, I think most of the time it, you know, it went your way, brother. But it's crazy how 15 years ago, you know, eight, nine years ago, I started writing. Right. And I go, I like this. This is interesting shit. I started writing a blog on MySpace. And also I said, man, I forgot all about this story.

Maybe I should say this on stage. And while you're saying the story, you remember another story. And it's just fucking amazing. So I like to sit down now with a notebook. You know, now people come into the shows and you want to give them their money's worth, you know. And I've always been a fan of your, like, I remember used to show up to fucking a ball with a notebook.

And I go, what is he crazy? It's a fucking ball. Why does he have a notebook? Why is he looking at his notes? And then I would go up then, I'd bomb. And you'd go up then kill when I go, this is why you have to have a notebook. So I started carrying around a little node.

The only other option I use on this thing is when I get an idea, there's a memo pad now on the iPhone. Right. You can write the fucking note in there and then remind yourself later. But I swear to God, Willie, I fucking got rid of, so I've gotten rid of more good jokes than most people have written just off the top. Laziness, being in bed at night and fucking cracking up with the sleep at me and mask on. And going, that was so funny.

I remember that motherfucker in the morning and nothing's there in the moment. No, they're farting. If you don't write it down, man, it's literally a fart in the wind, bro. It's gone. Since day one, you were a writer like that, you sat down and... Well, you know, I always... When I was a young, young... You know when we were young comics, man, coming up.

I used to watch The Tonight Show, right? And I used to hear about these guys, the Gary Shanlings of the world. Those guys were ahead of us. Way ahead of us. And I used to hear about how they would write, and I would hear how Seinfeld would write. And so that's what got me started. And I kind of had an evolution like you. You know, I went through an evolution.

And I think you don't go through it unless you do right because it's funny. We were talking either day. And you were going, man, I started out writing a joke. And then from joke, I went to bits. And then from bits, I went into stories. Right? You told me that that's the evolution, man. Because I remember writing jokes, you know, like, you know, one-line jokes.

And the premise set up punch. Premise set up punch. and then after a while it got corny to me, man. I go, man, there's got to be a little bit more to this. So I started kind of embellishing or extending the story a little bit more. I'm saying, well, you know, I started asking myself, it was a lot of trial and error. So within a lot of that trial and error, and like you, I bombed and failed way more than I succeeded. And that's how I started writing all the time because I realized it was like, it was like a

like a batting percentage, you know? Only three out of ten jokes would work. And in order for me to have a material, I'd have to write a lot of material had to fail for me to have material that would succeed or even have a nice little new chunk. For me to have a nice new chunk, I had a, had like maybe a half hour of garbage.

So anyways, brother, yeah, that's how, you know, and you know what, having kids, man, Having kids to me is what made me right because I knew how to keep feeding these motherfuckers. So, you know, if I didn't keep getting work somewhere, you know, wherever, that was also motivated for me, Joey. It's funny. You said something before, and I thought completely different.

You said before that, you know, how many tonight show appearances did you have with Jay Leno? I had 11. That a lot of comics looked at you differently because you were on the tonight show and you had to say jokes. Now, let me tell you know me. You know I'm fucking out of my money. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To me, till this day, even with that fucking guy on there now, who I have nothing against Jimmy Fallon, I like Jimmy Fallon, I'll still see who's going to be on the Tonight Show. Right. So I can tape it or not tape it because to me, that's the best a comic is going to do. I swear to God, in my mind, that's, when I watch a Tonight Show and I see a comic not do well,

and the next time I see him, I'm going to smack him. Right. And he knows this. Lee knows that we've talked about Eliza going on there one night and blew it up, and I was happy the next day because Jesus Christ, finally, somebody took it to the next level on the fucking Tonight Show. You know what I'm saying? So when I don't watch the Tonight Show to me,

it's the six minutes that every comic should dream of. That's my world. That's my world. You get one shot at writing six minutes, spotless clean, with your real point of view, clean, though. Yeah, but they also edit, man. They edit. Yeah, yeah.

The tough part is that they have control of your material because the reality is, Joey, when you're performing for the Tonight Show, it's a corporate gig because you're performing for those sponsorships, you know, for the Chevroletes and the BMWs and the AT&T's company. Because if you offend the show, you offend them because they're paying for advertisement. So it's really the biggest corporate gig. ever going to do. And being at that it's a corporate gig, you're fucked, man, because you've got to be within these boundaries, and you're not allowed to be free. And you're a big fan of Lenny Bruce, and I am. And I read a book, man, where I was really happy. It was the last chapter where

Lenny Bruce was talking about doing the Tonight Show with Jack Parr back in the day, this was before Johnny Carson. And he talked about how much he hated doing the, like, he didn't like doing the tonight show because he felt so contrived and he says uh i love doing one hour you know i love doing my albums you know and he did his albums and he did his one hours in theaters and he was free and he's you're free man you know you're your own director your own writer you you get to say whatever the fuck you want to say and you can't do that on on the tonight show but and anyways man i i i know there was there was comics because i you know you hear the you hear the gossip within our world man oh yeah willie barcena he's he's corny or he's not

not edgy or whatever. But man, bro, you can go, you know, to me, there was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of haters, man, because if, you know, I don't care, if you go back to Sam Kinnis and who is one of the craziest motherfuckers out there, watch him on the Tonight Show. He's got a suit on. He's got a suit on and a tie, man. You know, you watch Richard Pryor, another guy, he's got a suit on and a tie and doing, and it's, so you're, it's a tough gig, man. And, and to me, I felt that within the comics, man. They were like, oh, really, you know, Willie doesn't have a soul kind of thing, you know,

because it's very contrived, man. It's so funny how I have this crazy sense of fucking thinking. But when comics would get things, I didn't have those things. So I could never judge their experience, honestly. Even when I would let myself start saying something, I'd go, who the fuck are you? when are you going to be on the Tonight Show? When are you going to have a showtime?

You know what I'm saying? Like I was always honest with you. When you go to clicks, you know, like when you go to a comedy, open mic, for example, there's three little clicks. Right. There's one click you go to and somebody will ask you, what do you think about fucking Amy Schumer on this? And you just sit back and watch how much effort these comics put into Haiti. And I'm just saying Amy Schumer. I'm not just saying it people at home.

It could be, uh... It could be anybody. It could be Pablo. It could be myself. Yeah. You know, when they, once you hit a certain level of mainstream, it does something to comedians. It jars there.

Not to me. Listen, man, that's the evolution. That means that you're up there. You're up there with the corporate people. You're playing golf. You're going to president fucking whatever's house. What do you want me to do? You want me to hate you because of that?

You want me to hate you because of that? That all started at a fucking comedy club. You had the same dream I had. You just took it in a different fucking direction. I'm happy for you. No, you know, man. There's a lot of those people that we don't think are funny. Yeah.

We don't think they're funny. Yeah, as comedians are like, that dude don't even show up to the improv. When he does, the last two times he's bombed. We've seen those guys that had that mega celebrity and they walk in. Dave Chappelle always kicks ass because they get on their feet from, I never saw that. Chris Rock, they were coming and go Chris Rocks here. The people would fucking go crazy. Those guys never fucking bombed, you know, but there's guys from, you know, a TV show.

When they first started, if you Google some of their early sets. Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm talking about when they pop into the improv. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, they walk on water now. Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. Listen, everybody dies a slow death. Yeah. I don't ever, you know, the funniest people in L.A. are the people, like, I used to go to acting classes, and people would ask me stupid questions.

Then they come to the comedy store. They go to the improv. A little laugh factory, they watch me. And they go, how long have you been doing this one? And they go like nine years. And then three weeks later, I'd see him. And they got on stage last week. And I got a show here.

And I got an audition in Montreal. And I've been doing it for 90 days. And you look at them because they're looking at you like going, you've wasted your time for nine years. Yeah. But you're looking at them going, oh, you're going to die a slow fucking death. You've got nowhere to go. You're going to shit your fucking pants in front of those people.

Remember when we started? There used to be a lot more contests. Yeah. Johnny Walker. They had the NBC. National Comedy Contest, and it wasn't televised. It wasn't like last comic standing.

Right, right. They came into a comedy club at 10 in the morning. You had to get there by 9, sign your fucking name. There'd be three fucking jerk-offs sitting there with a notepad. Yeah. And you went up there, did it, and then you went home. Then they called you to come back for that night show.

And then you went on to the regionals, the finals. I thought that the stupidest thing is to judge comics, man. You know why? It's like having a... Because everybody has a different personality. and everybody likes different things. And it's almost like putting up a rock band versus a country band. It's like, well, I like the rock band.

I was, that the rock band killed and I didn't understand the country band. Well, it's what you liked, man. That's why I don't think you can't judge comedy. I don't like comedy in that sense. I was just saying it. Well, you can't judge it, but don't you think if it was like, let's say it was like a comedy club here. If they just grabbed 300 people, there'd be some people who liked indie comedy. There'd be some people who like dirty comedy.

So maybe could you just judge it based off of laughter? Well, how they did judge them was based off the laughter. You know, like I did, I was never a big contest guy. I didn't believe it to me either. When I first got into comedy, all these contests were happening, and I didn't think I was good enough. I wouldn't go down there. But there was an amateur contest that I went to.

And I ended up winning. And it got me a guest, it got me a hosting gig. $50 a week, $200 a month. That ain't better when you first started. People don't make money at all. I was getting two bills a month right from the fucking beginning. And then I moved to Seattle, and they have that contest. And to really get work in the area, they don't care about tape or nothing.

They look at the numbers from that contest. And I took a sixth, and they told me as a dirty comic, you won't even get to the semifinal. So for a dirty comic, it was good at that time for me. I was really dirty. I didn't know what I was doing. But when I came to L.A., he called me again. and he goes, I want you to do San Francisco. Now, Seattle had newspaper reporters

and restaurant owners and movie theater people. I can live with that. Right. I can live with that. You know what San Francisco had? Comics. Yeah. That was the mecca at the time, right?

Robin Williams started that. Comics, judging comics. And I said, I'm not staying here. It's like you coming up to me and me hugging you before the show. Lee, how are you going to feel? If I'm one of the contestants and you're standing there, like, all excited about this contest. But I walk in, and Willie's the judge, and Felipe's the other judge,

and I give him a big hug, and I go, let's go smoke pot later. How do you feel as a fucking comic? You're going to go, I ain't, why am I going on stage for? Joey knows these fucking guys. That's how it was up there. I was like, are you fucking, and I'm sleeping on the beach, Willie. I'm living in my car doing this contest, sleeping on the beach, because the hotels are 300 fucking dollars.

I'm sleeping on the beach, dog. I woke up Santa Cruz Saturday morning I swear to God I sat there with sand in my feet I had to take a shower like a gym for 10 bucks and I go am I fucking retarded am I fucking stupid

I'm at the comedy store tonight I got a set if I want and Celia Cruz was playing at the House of Blues I got in that fucking car and I drove home they kept calling me where are you fuck you I'm gonna do your stupid fucking contest Celia Cruz is in town

And I got an 11 o'clock at the store. Shit. Fucking getting judged by other comics that are hugging it up and smoking dope. The promoter came up to me and he goes, you got any weed? The dude who ran the fucking thing was like, oh, I know you got weed on you. You're going to have to smoke me up before the night is over. You're the fucking promoter. You got to smoke me out, you're fucking.

It's crazy how, like, there's no other, is there a business that compares to it at all? Every fucking business. has the shit side of it. Every business had the shit side of it. Every business has, in the beginning, everybody rapes you. You know, everybody fucks you in the ass. At any business, whether you're an editor, a mechanics helper,

you know, they're paying you eight, but they're charging $22.50 for you and laughing the whole way. You know what I'm saying? I mean, you're getting fucked the whole time, but it's what you take from the experience and what you learn and what, you know, when we used to go to Latino night on a Monday night, right? Right. You walk into Latino

night there were people hanging from the rafters, 2250. Jamie gave you 25 bucks. It was six comics. His budget was 150. What the fuck do you think there's 300 people in there at 2250? There's $2,000 in the room. You get his budget with, you know. $10 a beer. Yeah, $10 a beer.

He's making $6,000 for the fucking night. They're Mexicans going crazy on a fucking Monday night. And where do you think that money goes, Lee? But you accept it because you go, you know what, man? I'm a start in comic. How lucky do you feel just to be fortunate to be in this position? But don't be too

fucking fortunate. They're not, you know, when they come up to you and they say they love you. Yeah, you better fucking love me. You just made three grand off me jumping up and fucking down. I'm not saying they came to see me, but I'm part of the fucking ensemble. If I was in a fucking theater, we all get paid $6,250 right or wrong for the fucking performance. I think what it might be is like whenever you start somewhere or something, they remember you. So if you go to all these clubs and you let them take advantage of you with money, It must be hard as you get older. It'd be like, no, now you actually have to pay me my money

because it's so used to not paying you. Well, you got representation fighting for you. Yeah. You got everybody, you know. It's really weird when you're out there fighting for yourself and all of a sudden an agent pops in your life. Right. And he calls you with a number and you're like, wait a second.

I did that same gig three years ago for 500 bucks. How'd you get me $5,000? You get pissed off for two minutes. Yeah. You're like, I put $9,000 in that guy's pocket. Now you figure out what? It's the truth. It's the weirdest game, man.

And it's a hotel, and there's a car involved in $2. Yeah. And $100 for food. Yeah. And you're like, that fucking gig paid $500 two years ago. Yeah. Because you didn't have representation. No, it's because, you know, here it goes, man.

You call up the place and you go, hey, I'm funny. And then go, oh, you're funny, all right? So then they give you a contract. The contract sucks dick, right? But then a couple years passed by. Now an agent calls, hey, he's really funny. Oh, he is. You know what I mean?

It's a different story, man. It's such an evolution. Like, I sit back, first of all, I did something with my life. I stuck with something, which was the most important thing of life, sticking with something. You know, you see these people that keep moving around. Every day when I wake up, I have a notebook that I just write what I feel. I got to go to Jiu-Jit-Tal. I got to meet Willie.

I got to do this. And at the end, I always write. I'm very happy that I did something with my life. Nice, man. That's real cool. Because anything you're going to do that, you have a dream of doom, you know, look at the stones, okay? Look at the fucking rolling stones. They're each worth $250,000 million.

I don't know how much they're getting in Palm Springs. Those tickets are $250 apiece. They got to be walking out of there with $600,000. They paid their dues. They take that money without no guilt at all. Right, right. They've been doing this for 40 fucking years. And you as the consumer have to recognize that.

You have to go, wow, I'm coming to see. these guys that have really been doing this for 40 years. I mean, I've had six jobs in three years. These guys been doing the same fucking shit. And that's how, I don't know, I'm very fortunate that somewhere I got stupid. Because for years, I kept saying, I'm never going to do nothing, you know. Somewhere along the line, I got stupid. When I got into comedy, I go, if I get into this, I got to get dirty.

Right. Because everything else I would do, Willie, it was for money. Right. Everything else I would do. How much is it to cook, $9 an hour? Really? And also you're there a week and you're like, what did I make? 360 after taxes is $2.80.

I can sell an eight ball and make this. And nothing lasted. But when I got into comedy, I had nothing. I had no wife. I lost everything I had. My kid, I had, I already had a felony. I had already gone through all this shit. So I said, listen, let me dive into this.

But I know that I got to change my lifestyle. Like, there's no couch. There's no bait. There's nothing. I have to get into this. You have to go out every night, you know. Right. Once I saw that, it changed me.

Like, I was like, I'm in. And still, I wouldn't write. I would just write my goals. I would write what jokes I wanted to do and what all the shit like that. I never really had a closer. But then I came to L.A. And I started watching different guys. And there's people that are good writers, but they're writing bullshit.

You know what I'm saying? They're great writers, and it's great for the minute. And it takes years to see that like a comic, because you know what you're doing. And if you're any comic that's good, you always think you're doing shit, like the material I got now ain't working. Meanwhile, people fucking falling on. What are you talking about?

I don't like that fucking joke. I just do it because my kid, the fucking, people are dying. It's a good joke. We never think we have the good shit, you know? So it's really weird how the process, just of comedy, just you just fall in love with it more and more.

And even though you're getting kicked in the ass, and even though you're having all these problems in your personal life. Because at some point in comedy, in the beginning, you get some turmoil. That's life testing you. Right.

It's like when you quit smoking, you know, when your uncle dies. And you're at the funeral, Paul, and everybody's smoking cigarettes. You know what I'm saying? Well, my uncle died, so I started smoking again. You know what I'm saying?

It's comedy always, like, I remember fucking living in a car and taking showers at a gym, but going, I'm still going to do my spot tonight. Right. You know, I remember being in jail for 30 days. And while I was in jail writing jokes and going, I can't wait to get out

so I'd get on fucking stage. Like, these were all part of my life in the early beginning. Somebody else would just say, I ain't doing this no more. Why am I doing this shit? Well, it's challenging, brother. I think, you know, what you said,

as far as stories, things that happen in you, like what you're telling me, where you know, you're literally suffering, man. You don't know you're suffering at a time. People, when you're suffering, you don't know you're going through it because you're going through it. You know, once you pass it, you go,

you go, damn, I was suffering. But when you're going through it, you don't, but those are some of the best bits that you can write about, whatever you went through. You know, whatever was kicking you in the ass, you know, are your best bits. You know, I mean, that's what I've, through two decades of writing, okay? The best tip I can tell a young comic out there is I just don't write funny, man. When I write, I don't write funny at all. I write a story, some shit that happened. me and I just I just write it out you know and then what I do is leave it alone because if I read it

I want to start crying you know if it's a my kid not talking to me and I remember the story where he didn't want to talk to me and and it hurt or or my wife leaving or whatever man you know what I mean whatever happened or something where I was drinking you always brought it to the stage Willie yeah you always do that you believe in I believe in it also yeah that's when I started getting real life yeah I started showing him my pain and what I went through and whatever the fuck. Yeah. People love to see somebody else fucking dying like in a way.

Yeah. Well, you know what? I think, Joey, I think they, the audience, because we're all flawed, man. And I think when they see another person on stage that's flawed and us, we're, you know, humorous, man, you know, which I think there's joke tellers and there's humorous. And I think of us as humorous because we tell them a story, you know. I mean, and, uh, and, and when they see. you know, no, as much as everybody wants to put up a front, a lot of people, we're on this

earth, and a lot of us have had some trials and tribulations, and a lot of us have been there, man, where there's been some pain, but we know how to push it down. So when we're on stage and they see a comic, they can relate now. And now they don't feel alone. They don't feel like they're alone on this planet where you want to fucking hang yourself. You look at it and you go, fuck, that guy went through the same shit I went through and he's laughing about it. So I'm going to laugh at my shit. So I think that's the connection that we make when we're telling stories that we're telling. I tell the story, man, where, you know, for years, it was, it was, it used to bother me, man.

And I didn't know how to make it funny, you know, because when I was a kid, I used to get fucked up by my mom. We grew up getting fucked up, man. I got hit hard. I got hit with it. brothers you have, Willie. It was just two sisters, bro. Two sisters. And they're both older than you. No, no. One older. I'm in the middle. And my mom used to fuck us up, man. And I remember talking to, like everybody talks about,

you know, your mom fucking you up. But man, I was on stage a couple years ago. And I just, and I wasn't talking about, man, yeah, my mom used to beat me. No, not like that, man. I got, I got into details, right? And I said, man, now that my mom's old, you know, she's like a kid. You know, she's not, she, she's, she's, she's, she's all there. Don't get me wrong. It's, you know, but she's, she argues with me. Do you know what I mean? Like an older person is almost like, and I feel like, sometimes I feel like putting,

pulling out a whip and fucking her up, bro, and telling her what she used to tell me. Hey, get your hands out the way. Do you know what I mean? I mean, yeah, when I tell that on stage about, you know, when you just, when you put it by itself, man, this guy's talking about whipping his own mom. When you leave it like that, yeah, it's not funny. But when you hear the whole story, man, and you can share this with audience or anybody that got hit when they were a kid and they can see this, man. I think there's almost a sense of a, it's a sense of therapy, bro.

I believe, you know? I mean, I'm not there to fucking save anybody's life or anything like that. Don't get me wrong. But I think at times, us unwillingly, we, we, there might be some therapy within those, within that humor. For us, as a comedian? For us and the audience. For me, I love, you know, on Tuesday nights now I go to a bar, Willie. Right.

Because I'm sick and tired of performing on a tightrope. Right. It's a great job, but it's not the way we were brought up. And to get the maximum value out of me, I can't walk on a tightrope all the time. Right, right. You know, I'm not the type of dude that could sit down and go, okay. What did I see today on the news? That was funny.

All right. I saw something. the fucking the shootout at the gas station. You know, I'm not. Although there was a lady trying to get gas, and she's in the fucking passenger seat. And these people are having a shootout, and she's in the passenger seat, dog.

And she dropped, and you can see the bullet holes, but then I don't know what happened. The baby yelled, and I went into the other room. It's hysterical. Okay. You write that down, right? Tonight saw a lady getting shot, okay?

If I sit there for two hours, nothing's going to happen. Right. But if I'm on stage, talking about guns and all of a sudden, by mistake and by the grace of God, that thought crosses my mind.

Willie, I could run with it for 20 minutes and it's a bit. Now, let's say I tape it, Lee tapes it, guess what? I'll never say it like that again. The other day when you said that it's just like acting, you got to feel it. Oh my God, like fucking firecrackers went off in my head.

Yeah, because it's the same thing with acting. With acting, you got to get triggers. When I was a kid, I went to that Anthony Robbins workbook. What's his name, Anthony Hopkins? What's that dude? Tony Robbins. Tony Robbins. I worked for Subaru.

And as a group, Subaru of America paid for us. And we all went to Denver for two days and sat with him. We didn't have to walk on coals or nothing. But if I remember anything from that workbook, he spoke a lot about triggers as a salesman. Like how, you know, you could be talking to somebody and then go to that place and just fucking march them down. And sometimes when you look at your best sets, you're in a coma.

Yeah. You're in a coma. Your best sets, I mean, you're in a fucking coma. Yeah. When you don't give a fuck. That's why I like those open mics. Because I have to not give a fuck for a few weeks to give a fuck. Yeah.

The open mics are a weird situation, though, because, like, I've only been to a few. I went to the time that you hosted at the store, and I've been the least few times. Okay, let's get something straight. Okay. There's open mics and there's open mics. Open mic 101 is Willie's room.

It's the room I used to do in New York. It's a bar with a TV, and just by the grace of God, they have a two-foot stair that will, as animals, uses a stage. Okay, we will take five feet of that and use it as a stage. Because in the beginning, you're not going to walk into the improv. Yeah. I don't care who owns it.

I don't care who you sue. Who's dick you're going to suck? You're not going to walk in there. And you personally will find out years later. You don't want to walk in there anyway. So you find these bars where they have no commitment to comedy. They have no commitment to comedy. They walk in and there's a fucking fat fuck from New York on the stage.

And they go, oh, my God, we didn't know you were having comedy tonight. We just wanted to have martinis. Yeah. Okay. So they sit down to talk about martinis and how miserable their life is. Okay. Like, really, that's what women go out for at night. I'm having problems with Danny.

I think he's eating OxyCardings again. Let's go out for a martini, and they go out and get drunk, and nothing got fucking handled. But the beauty of it is, if you could convince those ladies, and not by going, hey, hey, lady, I'm up here talking. Yeah, yeah. If you could convince those two bitches to turn around and look at you and pay attention, that's how you judge in those days.

Yeah. Okay, so they were on. unpremeditated comedy people. And you had it, and here's what, here's the magic, the magic where you, I think where you got your,

your, you know, your skills was, was in getting those ladies or the group, whoever came in to look at you and not do it in a way where you pissed them off.

You pissed them off. Because now, now it's all downhill. But if you were able to kind of judo, jude their conversation towards you, it's brilliant. You know, and it's like,

and it's just like you say, It could be a simple, hey, girls night out. And then, yeah, you know, and one of them might say something. One of them might reveal something. She might say, yeah, well, Lisa's yours. We all took Lisa out. And then you're all starting going, Lisa. Yeah, you know, and you just keep going from there.

So that's an open mic 101. That's where there's no commitment to comedy, okay? When I call you up, Leon, on Tuesday and go, Lee, Sarah Silverman is at the stinky onion on Friday night? I just bought three tickets for us, me, you and Paula. Okay? All week, we're thinking about Cyrus Silverman. So we're premeditated comedy.

We walk in there. That's the comedy where they're already waiting for Willie. They're already waiting for Joey. I go in and then if I say my dick's got a rim about it. Ah. Okay. So you can't really, there's two types of comedy. There's two types of comedy.

Okay. But to get really good at this comedy, you got to go through this comedy here. And it's brutally because there's 16 different types. There's that one. But really, comedy 101 is, I'm wrong. I'm fucking wrong. Comedy 101 is when you go on stage in front of 15 comics,

I pay the dollar for a drink at the comedy to do comedy. That's comedy 101. That's fucking brutality. That's where you go home every night and you look at the fucking razor blade. And you look at the tub and the salt. You fucking, that is brutal. That is fucking comedy Commando 101

There's only one thing that bust you out of that Like a fucking savior Those guys, that's like that's below hell If you judge it that way, okay Where they go and every once in a while They get eight people But beside that, it's all comedians Every night from 6 to 10

Or from 10 to 1 or from 11 to 2 And here's where it's tough for some young comedians you know, when Joyce say you walk in those rooms and there's 15 comics, maybe eight of those comics are a group, they're friends, and they'll laugh at each other's jokes. And when they get a real audience, that joke sucks balls, bro. And now there's like, you know, it was detrimental. Instead of being something positive for a comic,

it actually took you a step back because your friends are there trying to be your buddy instead of telling you the truth that that material sucked. So we all start at Comedy 101. And then by the grace of God, you meet somebody at Comedy 101 who says, hey, I run a room on Tuesday another 10. And you've got to come in there. First of all, you've got to come in there some nights. And some nights or whatever town you live in,

they got that fucking game on. In L.A. is the Lakers. You know what I'm saying? You've got to follow the Lakers. If you think you have to start on time because you have another set, that doesn't work. You're not going to do comedy while the Lakers are on fucking TV. So these are all the lessons you learn.

And then somebody like, Lee, or go, Lee, come on down to my room. But the other lesson you don't learn, this is the show starts at 10. But you're going to go up at fucking one in front of six people. Yeah, and they're drunk. And they're drunk. This is something that you fucking die for six months doing this and going, when am I going to get a 930 spot at a fucking bar like that? Right.

And then eventually you're at that bar. You're at that bar. You know, it's like you're trying to bust out of this league. And then you get in with a booker, but guess what he books? Bars, six in the row, you know. The guy from Seattle, or triple. Triple. Tribal.

You know, they were all over the fucking country where they book, you know, they book a hotel lounge. Yeah. You're thinking you're playing at the garden for the 2,000 people. I'm going on the road and shit. What road? And all of a sudden you get a note, don't curse because they're Mormons. Right.

You know, this is fucking outrageously. This is outright. But this is how you love. learn nuts and bolts. Yeah, you got to get your ass kicked. This is how you learn adjustment. This is how you learn how to go into one room and there's 80 people and the next night there's six.

The next night there's seven and the owner's like, man, you got a good crowd. Last week, there was two motherfuckers. You know, and you're like, what? This is fucking the evolution of it. And then you meet somebody and they go, hey, what are you doing next week? I need an opener in some fucking bum-fuck town.

Right. And now they pay you $150 in a hotel room and you get five drink tickets. Oh, my God, when you get those drink tickets, you think you're the fucking king. You're at the bar looking for a bitch with that buck 50, brun the hole in your pocket shit. I'm one of the comedians and shit.

So that's fucked up, though, because you always talk about how slimy comedians are, but my original question was going to be, how do you know when to stop doing open mics? But it's obviously people hire you. But now you have to be friendly with people who might be douchbags just because you want, games. Well, there's two different ways. You have people like Willie that come up to you and go,

no, I think you're funny. Come to my room on Tuesday night. Right. And then Willie would give you 40 bucks and you got a fucking burrito. You got a fucking burrito too, dog. I always got that motherfucker too. I bring the hunger to that club. You wait all day for that fucking burrito. Tell him. I remember Jerry Bednaub. Jerry Bednav used to come. For those of you, anybody's not familiar with Jerry Bednav was in that. A 40-year-old virgin. Yeah, yeah. Forty-year-old virgin. Good guy. Good guy. plays the Indian. Play the Indian. And then Jay would always, I don't know, for whatever reason,

he would always get the burrito, but he would always take it to go. To go. Yeah, yeah. They would even tell you. When you got offstage, Lee, there was a burrito to go. That's more than the $40, okay?

Because that's a meal. That's it. You got half of that that night, and half of that for breakfast, like a soldier. You can use your 40 bucks for other things, like cigarettes and alcohol, and fucking narcotics.

You know, it's, I think that people who miss that evolution really don't get the full circle of this career. Yeah, well, you know what? I think something that's hurting young comics today is this, because it wasn't around when we were started, which is called a bring, bringer shows. Like, you can go on stage, but if you bring people,

you heard of this, right? Bringers shows? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't have bring your show. I had them in New York. When I went back to New York in 94. Oh, okay. Bro, for every person you brought, you got a minute.

Yeah. You have no idea. Well, that took a while for that to get here. I was in Colorado, and nothing was like that. The bookers would say, you know, if you want free tickets, let me know. I would be embarrassed to ask people come watch me in those days. Right. So I wasn't going to tell nobody.

But when I went to New York at 93, it was an education. Because the comic strip and all those places. They let you go out. Oh, yeah. You want to go on me go. Come on down and see me. Lee, you get so excited. You go down the guy's like,

I'm going to this guy. Pump into this guy. My name is whatever. I'm the manager, but talk to this guy. And also when you talk to this young college kid. And he goes, what night do you want to do? He's like, I want to do Tuesday, night, the 18th.

You want to do the 530 show, the 630 show, the 7th day show. I want to do the 730 show. Okay. And also it gives you an envelope, Lee, and there's 40 fucking tickets. And he's like, you got to sell these at 10 bucks a piece and keep five. for yourself or eight for yourself,

so you owe us 80 bucks that night, or you don't go up. Shit like that, late. And I would just pay the 80. You know what I'm saying? I would just pay the 80 and sell the give away the tickets to fucking as a sales thing or something like that. I swear to God.

I would be too fucking embarrassed. I would just pay the $80 and go on stage. That's how crazy I fucking was. That's not a bad deal, though. No, it was hardly. I mean, but I would never go to sell the tickets. And then they had the other shows. The only guy that put me up in those days without people was the guy at the New York Comedy Club.

I went back to New York for nine months. A guy named Al? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the other one, the one on 78th Street. The one that called Boston, something? No, that's on Fort Street.

Oh, okay. But there was one on 78th Street off of Broadway. And one night, I did a spot there, and I brought 10 people from my hometown. And this was when cocaine was fucking. fucking huge in my own town. And they all came and were doing coke. And they were fucking tipping the bartender, ten bucks a piece.

But I'll never forget that one of my friends at that time was a cop. And he was with all his childhood buddies. And I looked at him one time and he was fucked up. He had coke all over his shirt. But he was standing there with his leg on the bar and his badge and his gun was sticking out. You could see the ring around his nose and shit. I'm like, don't you got to wipe your nose.

Like this was a long fucking time ago. And they drank so much that the owner came over to me. He goes, you always have a spot here. Just bring these animals back. And I couldn't figure it out. Like they clogged the bathroom. That was when Chris Mazzilli was the doorman. Remember him?

He owns Gotham's now. He owns Gotham's. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's when Chris Mizzily was a, he was. Oh, my God. He had full set of hair. I'm going to ask him. I see him in September.

I go to New York in September. But that's what that hustle was, Lee. Lee, that was a hustle in New York. You just weren't going to get on stage. You had to show up with motherfuckers in those days. So I learned that. Like, it was in a way, it taught me a little bit. New York, that nine-month experience in New York,

and I was still reading the Judy Carter book and write her jokes like that, like what pisses you all, the 10 things that give you anger. At that level, those nine months in New York, I wasn't sure about comedy, bro. I was using comedy as a way of getting out of the cruise, criminal thing, but I was still, you know, I had just got out of prison.

So I was doing comedy, but not really. It was like my first year and a half of Jiu-Jitsu. I would only go once a week. In those days, I would get on stage two times a month. But then when I went to New York, all that little hustle in New York got me a little excited, but there was a bar called your old triple N. And I went in there one night and I saw John Legerzamo at midnight. And bro, it clicked.

It clicked. Well, whatever. Because I always thought that Willie Barsenna just went on a Tonight Show and did eight minutes of material off the top of his head. You saw bombing with notes. With notes, working out. And my whole vision came. Two weeks later, I was on my way to Colorado.

I said, I don't need this suffering. I'd get spots in Colorado without showing up with 10 motherfuckers all the time. There's not as much cocaine in my face. Every time I go to New York to do a spot, I'd stop at a spot and get a package. In Colorado, I can't do that. Right. I really focused when I went to Colorado. But it was because of that experience in New York that opened my fucking eyes to what, how I had to act.

It's funny how we all, because I had the same experience when I saw Damon Wayans back in the day. Where'd you start? Right here. What club? What club? What was the first? Comedy Act Theater on Crenshaw on 43rd. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, with Chris Tucker, man. I used to pick up Chris Tucker. He had an apartment near the 101 of Vine. And Chris used to calm me up because he didn't even have a car, man. And it was him. D.L. Hugley was the host. He was a young comic. Joe Torrey.

Guy Torrey wasn't even on the main show yet. It was the first show and second show. Now, who did the comedy actor belong to the Sweet Big Willie? No, Michael Williams. Michael and Sharon Williams. Now, who was the black actor that was in Do the Right Thing? Oh, oh. That died.

Bebe's kids. Yeah, yeah. What did they do they own? Yeah, yeah, that's that one. That's a theater, but he didn't own it. He was just the, he was, that was his house, basically as a comic. But I was, I started with Pierre, all these cats. I'm trying to remember cats from those days, you know.

But, uh, what's his name? Mark, Mark had a, hanging with Mr. Cooper. Is that, what, remember that show? Yeah, yeah, Mark. He's around. Yeah, yeah. He's on a TV show now. He's around.

I was getting them spots at the high, bumped into her around. Yeah. And he goes, they won't give me spots. at the store, I go see Diagostino at the ha-ha. So Diagostino said he was going down a couple of nights a week and just working out. He was still really funny. He was funny. Yeah, he was funny. Listen, 20 years in comedy

is 20 years in comedy. Something happens to you. Something happens to you. Like you said, you're either going to quit and fold or get angry because there's guys that we've been around, have been around as long as we have, that you see him on stage and they haven't progressed.

I've seen guys that I go, this guy's got, he has the same fucking material from 20 years ago. I mean, from beginning to end. I mean, you know, I'm not heard anybody's feelings. You know, I'm going to see this guy probably tomorrow. You know, a couple of these guys, man, and I'll tease them. I'll go, I'll see these comics.

No, I don't have the heart to say something. You know, but I don't have the heart to say nothing. I can't say nothing. But have you seen it? Friday night. I had a spot somewhere. Yeah. I'm not there two minutes.

Right. I hear, yo. I look up It's a comedian I'm known for 15 years We used to do all the little Spanish rooms together Did I think he was funny I thought he had potential

You know, you look at these guys And you're like that guy's gonna be something Yeah And they have material that you laugh at And they have material You were right there with them Okay, so I have the right to say this Okay, when I'm right there with them

In the trenches Right And now I'm somewhere else and they're completely still in the fucking trenches. You follow them saying to you? And I see that they work now, but it's not like it used to. Now they're blaming it on things and shit. So it was like it pisses me off.

Like I get pissed off because at the end of the day, in the back of my mind, I'm a fucking loser. I could flip this in a way, and you couldn't fucking find a way to flip this fucking game for yourself. You're still hawking around. Two minutes there. Hello? How are you?

Wow. How can I get a guess set? Yeah. Okay? Absolutely not. You're not going to get up here. You're not going to get up because I'm first off working on an hour. And number two, guess what? The show's got people in. I worked hard all week on Twitter. You just want to go in there and blow that fucking room up. And I told you the story. Five or six years ago, he was on my – I hadn't seen him. I wasn't at the store anymore. So he said he was on this international tour, killing it, promoting this motherfucker like himself. Like, he was his own publicist. Right. So somebody was doing a show one night, and they asked me to come on, I went up there, and there he is. And I go, you know what, bro? This guy was funny a couple of years ago.

Let me watch this guy. Let me see what happened if he's really getting it. He had a couple jokes, but he had one joke dog that used to kill me. It was about fucking killing animals or something. It used to fucking kill me. And he was one of those comedians that tells you the joke, but he rides it. He rides the joke out for six or seven minutes to the point where normal people like, when's this guy going to get the fuck off the stage?

I'm sitting there and enjoying him for like two minutes, and all of a sudden he rips into that joke. No, it's 2008. He was doing that joke in 97. 98, he was doing that joke. I looked at him. That's why comics killed himself, bro. And I walked out of the fucking room.

I'm like, you're doing the same joke from 10. Ten fucking years ago. It's like, think about Lee. You're in a band, and every time you're on stage, you're playing the same song. It's the same thing. You know? Well, they must like it. They only have to deal with it.

No, it's laziness, bro. It's laziness. It comes down to be lazy. I remember more with the band, but yeah, with comedians. I don't think people pay a comic to see the same joke over and over again. I know after the second time I see the joke, I'm done. I'm done. That's why I hate doing comedy.

comedy on TV because how many tastes they do and they all giggle like it's funny stop you're embarrassing me you're making me fucking feel bad nothing's this funny on the eighth take they're still like ah stop don't make me fucking punch in the fucking ear

it's um what do you read you got notes you do got notes you do got look at me fucking work see what I'm saying you come from bad and shit okay so here's So for people who don't know, I've been doing, I've been trying every, every Tuesday night, I do like three or four minutes of comedy.

Oh, you begin on stage, Lee? A little, once a week. But I don't think I want to do it as a profession, but it's been fun. Were you fearful at first, Lee? I mean, you went from, when we first started the podcast, he came in one morning stuttering, sweat, his face was red. I got him high, and he goes, listen, when you do this podcast, I don't want to be on camera. I don't want to talk. Right.

And, you know, you can only talk so much by yourself. Right. And I would ask him fucking creepy questions, and he would turn red and look at me in his face. Like, he was fucking, like, you know, he would... Like, you molested him. Yeah, he would work all night. He would work till five and then come to my house at six.

So he'd be tired, so I would notice them. And I go, Lee, what do you think of the Yankees? You know, and he would just look at me like, well... And then all of a sudden, it just clicked. I made him go on stage or something. We did a live podcast, and... you know, the transition was easy. I knew it was going to be hard.

You pushed him? No, I knew he was the type of guy that if he thought about it, he would have a nervous breakdown. So I just got him sizzled. I just got a high off. No alcohol higher than fuck. He got like a little nervous breakdown for about a minute, and then he snapped out of it because the marijuana saved him.

And I did a live podcast with him. And from day one, he took them. So there's people that, you know, they did a survey years ago, right? Right. And the biggest fear is not dying is fear of speaking in public. Yeah, yeah. That's the number one fear. Yeah.

And I, so a guy like me, dog, I sit there and go, are you fucking crazy? Like, to me, it came naturally. Like, in the sixth grade, I would get up on stage every Friday and lip sync. My eyes adored you by Frankie Valley. And so I was used to it. My mom had a bar and she would make speeches and my mom would ask me questions in front of people. So I didn't think nothing of it.

When I heard that statistic, I almost died. But then I have two friends that they don't know that they've even mentioned it to me. When I come to the shows, if you even look at me, I will leave the show. And then one time my friend's dad came and I go, Mr. Dealer, and this motherfucker shot out of there. And two days later, he goes, you can't do that to me. He goes, I had to take my heart medication in the car. Yeah. That was me.

Like before. Yeah. So when I see you go up, I don't even get involved. Do you have a set? Do you have a... I have a couple things that I wrote down. Oh, I thought you had a, you recorded yourself. We were going to hear a little.

I don't want to. A little bit of you on stage, bro. I don't watch him. I listen to him, you know, and I don't push him. I don't push him. Well, that's why I, you know what? When I was, I helped some comics when I was coming up. And I truly believe that our friendships have been severed

because when there were young comics, I used to push him. But I was a dick, bro. I wasn't that nice guy. You know, I was raised, you know, real hard ass. So I coached these guys like an asshole, you know. We would, we would go, you know, I'd take them on the road with me, and then we'd get, you know, we'd go back to the hotel and I'd say like, the fuck was that. You sucked, man. And these guys would look like, I didn't know how badly it hurt them.

I thought I was doing them good. Do you know what I mean? But they did get better, bro. They got better, but I didn't know they're going to hate me years later, you know? These guys, anyways, man. So that's good what you're doing, man. No, no, no, I don't do anything. No, no, no.

You don't do anything. That's good that you're not doing anything, is what I'm saying. It's so weird how people always want you. I don't know. I don't know what I wanted. When I first got into comedy, I was a dormant. Then I became the sound guy. Is that a comic store?

No. I had a club called Whitson. It's not there for like 25 years. It stopped. I took the comedy class and marked. and it opened like in April and the guy that taught the comedy class got me a job in there as a doorman and then the sound guy quit so they made me the sound guy and the door guy and then they made me the bar back and then I got on stage and the owner didn't like it so he was like though you can't work here and do comedy so I just started doing comedy but I was fiddling around with right I didn't follow well I didn't know but when I was there my purpose to work at that club was to ask comedians They told me, but they didn't tell, they told me what to do and what things,

but nobody ever tells you about the experience. Yeah. The experience of doing this for me right now, like, I could just write a book on 25 years of comedy. Right. And people go, holy fuck. Like, I'm ready to go, like with a fucking microphone, because it's too much.

Right. It's too much. There's not enough paper. There's not enough paper. Yeah. You know, the education. Like, I got to tell you something, man. I came from Cuba.

There's people who like to do a lot of things. One thing, bro, I went out of the country twice. I didn't fucking like it, Willie. I don't like eating farming chickens. The meat tastes different. The butter tastes different. Everything tastes different to me. I'm Captain Comfort Zone.

You know what I'm saying? So, but one thing, bro, I like that it showed me the country. Like, I went to every fucking state to do county. Yeah. Except maybe I don't even fucking. can know, even Utah. When I first got into comedy, I wasn't allowed in Utah. You know, shit like people like me would not be allowed in Utah.

And now that's one of my stops every year. Well, I'm sure, you know, when you first went to Utah, was it where if you went to a bar, you had to sign an application? Because that's how I was when I first started going to Utah. Like, when I heard the law since changed, but like 20, 15, 18 years ago, if you went to a bar, every bar demanded that they had your application, like if you're applying for a job. I don't know if you...

No. Yeah, I saw it was. Yeah, bro. Ask people from Utah. I went, the first place I went to Utah was Ogden, Utah. I was close to a military thing. I forgot who was headlining. Dave Trimble sent me there.

That was my real legit road animal gig. Like, that was it. I had been paid before. A couple of noodles. But this was fucking eight-hour drive. Yeah. You know, 60 bucks in my pocket. And I got there and they go, the hotel is only has one room.

I had to share the room with the fucking headliner. That was my first experience. Thank God he wasn't a creepy guy and he was okay. He was funny to say that, man. I've had the creepy guy. Did you ever work a club called Spell Binders in Houston? No, you know, we know what happened to spellbinders? Ralphie fell to the stage there.

No. And he soon. Ralphie Mae? Yeah. He found. He was 500 pounds. Oh. And he went on the stage there, and he used to be in a strip mall.

Years ago. Yeah. It was one of the best clubs in Houston. I did it years later when the improv took it over for a lot. But Ralphie felt to the lady. You know, till this day, I bring it up to him once a month. If he calls me, we'll be talking. And I go, remember that time?

He fell through the stage. He fell through it. Oh, he didn't fall in front. He felt through it. He fell through the stage. There was a board that was loose. Ralphie suit that. Brother, you know, he was roommates years ago with Joey Medina, right?

You know, I used to go over their house. I'll tell you a story, bro. Okay, so this is years, I mean, I'm talking 18, maybe 20 years ago. Joey and Ralphie were roommates. We were all hungry at the time. I could barely pay my apartment, right? Nobody could. Okay, so I get to their place and I could smell pot roast, man.

Like a giant pot rose. This thing could feed six people, bro. I'm not kidding you. And I looked at Joey and I said, you guys are cooking, right? And then Joey gave me a look like, no, no, no, like stop. Like, like, no. I go, what do you mean? And then he took, he goes, that's Ralphies.

I go, that's Ralphies? Like, all of it? He goes, yeah. I go, fuck, man. It was all his, bro. So then I don't know how it happened, right? Me and Joey go like this. I don't go to McDonald's.

I don't know who said to this day. Me and Joey can't figure out who's. said it first. They goes, hey, well, I'll go to McDonald's? Yeah, let's go to McDonald's. Fuck it, McDonald's. Let's go. We go to McDonald's over in Hollywood, man.

And we get to the counter. I order my food. He orders his food. And the lady goes, yeah, that'll be 1275. And then I look at Joey, like, you're going to pay, right? And Joey goes, no, I ain't got no money. Because you're going to pay.

I say, I ain't got no money. I thought you were going to pay. And we had to walk out of there and leave the food there, bro. And I don't wait to pot roast. No, no, but that was all Ralph's. Let me tell you a creepy fucking story. You know this, right?

This used to be off. This apartment was by Paramount. Yeah. You made it right off of Melrose. And it was like in this fucking, it looked like apartments that were built in the 40s for fucking like Martians or something. So Ralphie lived there.

Alex Ramundo lived there. And somebody else lived there. So one day I'm out doing a gig or something like that. living in my car, it's got to be 98. Okay. And join Medina goes, bro, I'm going to do a U.S. O tour. And Alex is living in Austin. And he goes, the other guy lives in San Diego, who's ever staying there.

He goes, if you want, just pay utilities. Don't drink the alcohol or whatever. I stayed there for three months. It was the weirdest three months. Why is that, bro? Of my life. It was just the weirdest three months of my life. Was it a place haunted or whatever?

At the time I was haunted and what was going on. Yeah, demons following you? It was like, I had a girl on here on the podcast and I was talking about the dirtiest experiences of my life sexually. Okay. Like drugs and people that I knew. Right. All those experiences pretty much like,

three or four experiences happened in that Joey Medina apartment. Until he's a freak, and he wasn't there. He left in like June and came back in September. And I started staying there like in June. And the first two months I would watch TV. I'd cook.

I'd fucking clean up after myself. I did laundry somewhere else. I slept in the back. There was no air conditioner. It was fans, but fuck it. I was just happy to have a place to take a shower and do comedy and shit like that. But I was doing blow.

I was out at the car. comedy store. I didn't have no money. I was just doing blow. I'd go out and get a package, 20 bucks. But at that point, everything was really moving fast. Comedy was moving fast. People were starting, that's the, that's the first time. Joy Medina was one of the first guys to do with an independent CD at that time. In 98, he taped it with a midget. Yeah. He taped. Yeah. And one night we were at Ralphie May's house, and he put the CD on all three of us fell asleep. So that was a big

joke for a while. Dog, I'm tired. put the Joey Medina seat down for a little while. No disrespect to Joey. It was just something that happened one day. Joey was really good to me and opened up his house to me. Just off the top of my head, I remember three experiences that was so disgusting with women in that place and drugs that were just like animalistic.

Like I still think about it today and go, what are those women thinking today? Like, I'm embarrassed. Like, it wasn't, that wasn't supposed to happen. One was supposed to come over. for smoker joint. One was going to come over to Dublo, and she was married.

And one was a friend of Joey's. That Joey sent me an email going, my friend's coming up from San Diego. She's going to sleep in my room, let her sleep. I get home, there's no blankets on my fucking couch. I go, what the fuck is this? I knocked on her door. I go, did you take the blankets?

Can I take one of the blankets? She goes, I only have one blanket. She takes it up. She's completely naked. I go, what the for? How does this happen to me? How does this dirty shit happen to? What a nice night, bro.

What a fucking night. And I got a couple of all coked up. I got a couple rocks in my pocket. And this chick's naked on it. Like that type of, and I was poor. Tuna fish with mayonnaise in it. That type of shit. Like, it was that type of comedy experience.

I still remember going to the store. I was getting spots at the store. I had a car that had no insurance and no registration. And the brakes were low. Like, I was about to kill somebody in that fucking car. But I was relentless with it. And I finally got to, I didn't give a fuck lead. Lee, that car went everywhere.

But you know, funny, you say that, Joy, and Lee, I'm telling you, man, there's a, even though you're broke as fuck and you're eating that tuna out of the can with the mail, you feel like you're in control of life because you're your own boss. Do you know what I mean? Like you don't have to, no, but you don't have to go clock in anywhere, bro. You know, Joey, I'm sorry, you know, I would do it all over. Yeah.

To get the same result. because me doing that tough life and just not giving up is why I'm still here today. Like it's so weird. Those little moments that I still remember are the reasons, the experiences that led me to today.

Right. You know what I'm saying? Like all that shit now. I look back at all that shit. Ten years of shit, people. Ten years of sleeping on couches and having a car with no insurance and no driver's license and no credit cards

because I was abandoned. For 10 years, I just disappeared. I didn't do nothing. Taxes, no license. I was the invisible fucking man, dog. It's fucking crazy to think about that. And then I met you guys, and that was weird

because I would hang out with you guys early and then I would shoot to the store. And then I would see you guys every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Yeah. And it was crazy. It was crazy. Yeah, we weren't allowed to the big house.

No. I don't know. But those rooms made me the comic that I am today. I always think about the Brave Bull, bro. Oh, the Red Bull. I always, you know, I see Rudy now. Yeah. And I always give Rudy a hug.

Because say what the fuck you want to say, bro. I did 300 sets there. 300 fucking sets at that Brave Bull. That was a time where Rudy paid, what? Remember it was 50 bucks for Friday and Saturday, but then in the summer you got summer pay. So it went down for $12.50 a show or 15 a set. Right.

But you could probably get like a barrenu. You know, that was the big thing in those days. Get some food. If you could get food, that fucking made up for everything. That was a good gig. That was a good gig. Food and three drink tickets, shit. Shit.

I mean, and then that's why that's one of the big deterrenties really is how long it takes. And sometimes, like, the last few weeks since I've started doing it, I was like, fuck, I was an idiot. Maybe I should have started five years ago. Do what? Comedy. No. But I don't think it would have been good because I would have been terrible. I would have been like, I would have been.

Like, I would have puked on stage. It's got to be your passion, though, man. It's not. But, yeah, and then it's also just, so it's there. It's got to be your passion. And I'm going to tell you something. For young comics today, it's a different game than when it was when you and I started. Because when you, listen, when I was doing comedy my fourth year, I was already making, was I making, was I making, was I getting rich?

No, I wasn't getting rich on the road, but I was covering my ace. Yeah. I was just doing drugs and living like a nomad. But I couldn't have done bad. There was opportunity now. Now, they don't even give features, hotel rooms. They don't give feature acts hotel rooms. They don't want to pay them either.

Then they don't give them a hotel room. These kids live on that app where they got to get out of the room at 12. And then they don't get a hotel room until right before the show or after the show because the hotel room is 92% off. They get it like during night. When you work with these kids at certain comedy clubs, you're like, holy fuck. they got you living on a fucking app to see what hotels

and they give you a room 60% off at 10 o'clock at night. They don't even give you a fucking hotel room. To me, I was homeless. So those hotel rooms were a sanctuary for me in those days. They were a fucking sanctuary. You got to figure I was homeless

from 95 to 2000. Homeless. Couches, Josh Wolfe's couch, Ralphie May's floor, Joey Medina's fucking thing, my car. I was homeless guys. Homeless.

In Seattle, I lived with abroad. If I didn't live with her, I had an apartment with Josh Wolfe, which was basically a towel. When he got rid of that apartment, I moved into an office. There was no pictures of family smiling. So those were the five years I gave up with fucking nothing. I mean, there was the hotel room, the office had a towel on the floor late. But you know what, man, of all the comics of stories that I've heard of a comic, coming up, Joey, I think nobody burned bridges as much as you and me, man.

No. Because, listen, we're in L.A., we're in Hollywood. We're in a place where people master kissing ass. And you, when I hear stories about you, and you know the shit that I did, I think we were, some of those things that us had taken us a little longer to make some money, it was some of it we caused ourselves man i remember doing the theater with you bro i don't know if you remember this it was the funniest we did a theater and bakersfield oh please and uh and we were for whatever reason man we all got paid and uh so we got our checks i had my check in my pocket and then i hear you

screaming man and you're and i'm like and it sounds like uh you're gonna fight like a fist fight and i'm going holy shit joey joey's gonna fight somebody so i run up these stairs right because and i go in this office and I see this little dude just scared and then Joey's joy's like hey you cock sucker I told you if you're gonna pay me you motherfucker you give me cash you son of a bitch I swear to God and this this book cracked me up man I wanted to laugh but I did it because it was serious and it was but he goes because he had a brother the guy had a brother and he goes if you don't give me my goddamn mother my goddamn money I'm gonna grab your ass and shove you up your brother's I wanted to die, man.

Willie gave me the money, Doug. Willie gave me the money out of his pocket and took the check. We signed the check over to Willie. Willie saw how mad I was because it was Valentine's Day. And the guy called me at 530 and I already had plans. Me and my wife at the time, my wife, who was today, that was my Valentine. And we had already plans. We were going to go to Sizzler.

We were going to live it up. I have sex and shit. And also I get this fucking call to fucking go to a gig. And I go, listen. I'll come do the gig, but at least give me cash, so I get dinner up there. I got like a coupon down here, and I'll never make it back. So when I got up there, he thought I wanted to money for Coke. I had my wife with me.

My wife was right there. My girlfriend was right fucking there. I lived with her. I wasn't going no way with that money. In those days, she'd take it out of my fucking ass. She knew I was a fiend. She knew the fucking deal. That's what pissed me off.

And you know what? He signed me as a client. Yeah, he did. Yeah, and then now we're not together no more, but we're always on the phone. Oh, that's good, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're always on the phone and we talk and, you know, he's a big time man. Yeah, he's a big guy.

So. But I remember you, it's carrying the shit out on that night, bro. I respected a lot of your decisions. Like, I had heard things that you had done, made me laugh my ass off. But always. Well, I got thrown out of your home club when I was open mic. Which one? The comedy story, yeah.

You yelled at Mitsy or stuff? Mitzie, yeah, I yelled at her. You know the story, man. She was, she auditioned all the Hispanic comics in the belly room. And every comic was up there, you know, shaking and baking for her. You know what I mean? And then I remember Johnny Sanchez was sitting next to her, like buttering up to her. Remember all the comics would butter up to her?

And I remember going up there. But we did the jokes. We did our material without an audience. And I started thinking, man, you, you know, that's fucked up. Mitzie in my head. I'm thinking, you have the white comics in front of an audience, you have the black comics in front of an audience, but you have us with just telling jokes to you. I just felt like, you know, subhuman man. And in the middle of a bit, I just said, hey, bitch, I go, what the fuck?

And she's, what did you say? I said, what the fuck? You're going to audition us like this? Like, we're some fucking animals. And I grabbed the mic. You know the story. They were all there. It was like 12 Latino comics.

and I just threw the mic on the floor and I left and she said, what's this? I remember as I'm going down those stairs in the valley room, I can hear her screaming. What's his name? What's his name? And I ran back up and I go, my name's Willie Barsana, you bitch, don't you ever fucking forget it? And you know what, Joey? She never forgot it, man, because 10 years later, Danny DeVito was doing a fundraiser and he saw me somewhere and he did his fundraiser at the comedy store and he showed her all the comments.

comics he wanted. And she said, yeah, everybody except this guy. So she had a good memory, bro. That's crazy. Yeah. Why, you know the stuff I did, man. Yeah. Listen, but it's crazy because the comedy community always reacted to your actions and my actions. Like they were way off fucking line. But before the show, you and I were talking about the people we were raised with. Yeah. And how we were raised with and how we held somebody's work.

Now, so this place rattles when you come from that type of backing to California, to LA, if you're thinking of becoming an actor or a comedian, and you move out here, and let's say you're from a tight-knit Pittsburgh neighborhood that's primarily Catholic, your mom hit in the head with a frying pan, your dad's blue collar, whatever the fuck you came from, you come from a different world in this. Yeah. And when you come out here after a year or two, even when you get success, you're really looking at it. going this ain't right that's what test people that's the willpower yeah that some people look around and go this ain't fucking normal to me it took the longest yard to go this ain't normal right this is not normal it's not reality this is not reality well we grew up and we were talking before the show started thing and i think the part of our personality is joey is we know okay some of the guys that we know growing up as kids that got murdered yeah there was uh you know that it was uh you know

It was a, I don't know, over here there was drive-bys, bro. It was crazy gang stuff. But there was a lot of guys, too, that growing up, people that I know, that got killed for lying, for just lying or stealing from a certain group of people. They would, hey, that guy's dead. And then you find out, you know why. So you knew growing up, look, if I keep my nose clean, I know these guys are bad people, but all I have to do is not lie.

And I'll survive. Right? You know, once in a while you had to fight, right? But if you kept your nose clean, for the most part, that was a sure way to stay alive. And that means you don't get into other people's business. You don't lie. And, hey, I didn't see nothing. I don't know nothing.

I don't give a fuck, right? I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. Yeah. Totally all the time. And then we come to, we come. You don't know nothing. You confuse people.

I don't know none. What do you mean? I don't know nothing. But then when we're in this comedy world with these actors slash comedians and everything, and they're the biggest backstabbing lying weasels in the world. And you're like, dude, in the real world, you get slapped them in the mouth for that. And that's all stuff me and you did. We couldn't tolerate.

We couldn't tolerate, yeah. I mean, not that way. I mean, I'm done the last thing from a tough guy, man. I'm a big pussy. But, you know, even a pussy fucking smacks back, right? Who are you saying, Taj me? No, but I learned a hard lesson when I was younger. we it's never really good to stand up for something like like and that's fucked up in a way to say

I don't really know how to say it but for whatever reason I was at a camp we were mad my whole bunk was mad at a council for something so we signed a petition on the wall and I walked up to the thing and I said we wanted this guy fired or something and they like they sat me down they're like yeah like they like everyone riled me up but like and they were like oh yeah we're with you with you, but then when they can go back, then not, yeah, not everyone's with you. So it's like you can't, you can never really trust. Everyone's always going to be with you then. But when it gets down to it, no one's really going to be there.

Is this one where can't be there? Summer Capley? I'm really white. No, no, no. How old were you around this time? I'm really, you're on. You're really, you do. It's really weird, but really, no, you know, I was telling, I was telling, I, I know Willie and I respected Willie 15 years ago because I knew Willie was doing something.

I knew Willie would see you and he'd see something in you and he'd invite you to his rooms. And his rooms used to be packed in those days. And there were Mexicans and they were drinking and they were ready to laugh. And there was always the two token white guys, the token black guy. But there was always hot chicks. and I remember going to the one on Tuesday was El Coyote. But Tuesdays was the one by the car dealership. And I remember the first time I went there,

you came to 40 bucks and somebody put coke in my hand in the tent. On the way out, you had to walk through a tent. So the show was inside. But once you walked out that side door, there was a 20-foot tent where you could smoke and shit in there. Somebody put a Coke rock in my hand. I'm going to come here every night. But you were helping a lot of comics.

I remember you coming up to me a couple times and saying, say this, that joke's funny. And I knew where you were coming from. And I respected you because you were on the fucking tonight show. You're the fucking tonight show, bro. Okay, that's it. That the proof is in the pudding.

You got the right to say something. It's that dude who don't get spots that comes up to you and goes, dog, you know what would be funny? No, no, none of your fucking jokes. You don't even know what the fucking tag is. You're in the back watching me and shit. You're still signing up to fucking get spots and shit like this. Those are the guys that pissed me off.

When you'd come up to me in those days and go put that there and put that there, I'd go right back to the store and do exactly what the fuck you told me because I saw those Tonight shows. And I go, Willie's a lot of things. But Willie can write a fucking joke, Jack, from fucking scratch. And it wasn't until a couple years ago because I hadn't seen you no more. I hadn't seen you. You were doing this, you were doing that.

And one night I get home and pull I put some showtime special on Willie Barsena and I was floored I was floored like I remember days later seeing a bunch of young comics and gone dog The show that made me do comedy was When I saw Dice is special that's what really pushed me I liked the beyond the sunset strip but there was a I saw Nick de Palo one night Nick Nick yeah on a young comedian special live from ten NEPI Arizona.

Nick's one of the good guys, by the way. Everybody bombed. Everybody bombed in that show. Ray Romano bombed, Janine Garofalo bomb, David Spade bomb, and all of a sudden this fucking monster from New York went up there. That didn't give a fuck. And he said, is this place hot or is it me? Is this place 200 yards from the fucking son?

The air conditioner in your room and Walt Disney woke up in my room. He was frozen. He just went. He destroyed. the fucking room. I don't know where I'm going with the story. Oh, he was a good writer at the time. You could tell that he would spend time.

You could tell. Even his jokes were raunchy or whatever, but you could tell they were well-written jokes. And when I used to watch him and you, I used to go, these guys are doing something that not everybody else is doing in that group of joke-type people. Right.

You know, which Seinfeld has a little bit of that. Bayer. A little something to cheer up the room. Where's the Fabroon? What's the name for Breeze? Okay, Joey. But, uh, no. There was, no, I like what, no.

I got to tell you, Lee. So I get a call. I'm on the road, and I get a call from just like three years ago when the showtime special came out. And my message from Joey is, hey, cocksucker, I just saw your showtime special. It's fucking hilarious. I swear to God, if you were white, you'd be rich. You remember me telling you.

It was just brilliant. It was just brilliant. Lee, it was just written well. You could tell he had the notes. He planned it out. You could tell he knew exactly where to look at the camera. He had all his marks down. And I sat there.

I go, this is a true fucking professional, man. And it's really weird that when we started the podcast tonight, we categorized comedy and we were talking about Lens. And I got a problem. I love everybody. And when I see comics doing their shit, I really like it. But every once in a while, you get a person dressed up as somebody. And in LA, this is Acterville.

And before I got here, there was a guy that was running game and he was very successful. He was selling his soul, and the people around them were selling his soul. He claimed to be a Mexican guy, but there was no, he had 10% Mexican blood in him. The blood he had in him was a fucking pirate. He had the blood of a pirate, you know. dog he got on my last nerve. Like every move he made that irritated me

and that was Jeff Valdez. You know, and I remember going up to that and I lost my cool. Like, it was at the store, right? It was at Maryland's thing. Yeah.

You know, I couldn't have him in the room. Yeah. Like, that's the type of person I'm like, I knew what he put Marilyn through because Marilyn used to call me crying and say, Jeff made me showcase again.

He's all, you know, but then I know he gave her a show and all that stuff, but he was only paying the $50 on that, but I don't know what the fuck happened. Me and my mind, I didn't want him there. You lost it. I was there,

bro. I was going to. I fell pepper. I go, man. Oh, I went off. First off, I hadn't done coke in seven or eight days. So right there, dog, I was dying inside, Willie. I was dying to bump into a guy like him. You know what I'm saying? I hadn't done coke. At that time, it was like

four or five days. It was killing me. It was fucking killing me. And now Maryland dies? Yeah. Like Maryland fucking dies. And what happened was I went to New York and I had a great hotel room. My buddy said, I got these free miles, bro. Take my this whole tower room.

It was in Seacawks. And for the first time, I'm not in a single. I'm in like this fucking sweet with booze in the refrigerator. And for some reason, I go, you know what, bro? I don't want no cocaine time. I did a benefit for the cops on Friday. I did a benefit for the high school basketball team on Saturday. Saturday, again, I went to the fucking show on the way home.

somebody said, you want to take a ride? And that night, Maryland died. And I came back the next day, and then everything was on Wednesday. And when I went to the fucking thing, there was a war going on because Paul said he was going to pay for the funeral, but he didn't want Montoya there. I mean, it's a fucking funeral.

And next thing you know, I'm sitting there. It's Wednesday, and I see fucking Jeff Al Desit, 12 o'clock walking into the church. That already started fuck on me. I waved that I had everything, but I'm like, what is this fucking epipar? Right, right. You know, and then I went home, and people called me up, and they said, you got to go down there.

And I'm like, I'm not going down there. I was hurting so much. We're talking about the store? Yeah. I didn't want to go either, man. I didn't want to go. You know who talked me into going with my wife? Who talked me into going?

Jody Furdy. I was in my underwards at home, and I told my wife, I'm not going. I'm not going. And she goes, you know what? You should be respectful. It shouldn't be about you. And that's why I went, because I hate going to those things. I hate those things.

You know, I did not want to be involved. I wanted to go to bed at 8 o'clock. Anything after 8 o'clock in those days, I was in pain. I'm not doing Coke. On all those days, I'd do as much as I could and I'd smoke pot, smoke pot, smoke pot, until I just passed out at 9.30 from the fucking pain. And I remember going, you know what?

Fuck it, I'll go down to Maryland's, and on the way back, I'll get a package. Right. And dog, when I walked in there and got, and they said, you go up there first. I didn't see Jeff. No, no, I did see Jeff. I saw Jeff getting food.

Yeah, yeah. He was getting free food. Him and his wife and the attention. And I go, look at this motherfucker. Oh, fuck. And right there, he signed his own death warrant. And right there, I went to the side of the stage, dog, and I was fuming. And the Spanish chick came up to me, and she goes, you got to open up the show.

Or you got to go up first or something like that. And I go, okay, I'll go up first. And I went up there, and I'm up there, dog, and I'm trying to do material, but I can see him from the corner of my eye. And my blood pressure was boiling. I hadn't done coke in a few days. And it went from, that. They went from no material to fucking torturely. Fuck you.

Fuck your wife. You're a fucking, you're a fucking Jew, Mexican fuck. Oh, my God. I go, you're too greasy to be a fucking Mexican. Too much of a fucking slime to be a Jew, you fuck. And he's like, my name's on the wall. You sucked as a comic. Oh, that's right.

With your fucking Jew hat on with the dingles. He used to put a yarmic on. with little dingle bells like a Mexican wood, whatever the fuck. He used to drive me crazy, dog. When I saw those pictures and he bought a club with Judy Brown, he was just wrong. Like, I just thought he was wrong. And I thought, in the back of my mind, like somebody Mexican should have gone off on him. But nobody did.

And I was pissed. I was like this guy. Then he did a second festival where he rented out the theater on Vine. And the other one, do you remember he had George Lopez and Rudy and everybody signed? up for it and then a week before everybody pulled out and he kept calling me up come on I'll send a car for you and I'm like bro you're making fifty five dollars a ticket you're not paying nobody and that's what I really got pissed off at him and I just didn't like it no more I'm like I don't need these fucking

people my life no that that was indicative of a lot of the people that were in LA that's why we're you know I was pissed off half the time man with these I was telling you when we before we even got in there I said man I hated all these meetings you go to and these cats give you hugs and they tell you how much they love you and then you go home then your age my agent calls me and tells me yeah that guy fucking hated you what do you mean hated me fucking guy gave me a hug i thought we're best friends you're so much bullshit in this business and that that guy was was a you know an example of the bullshit that we are you know well that's the thing that we couldn't deal with at first you and i we didn't know

how to navigate ourselves you made up you said early on that you went to to a festival one time and you weren't socially, you felt like you weren't socially. So this day, I don't feel socially accepted at those functions. Yeah, no, I feel like the odd man out, man.

I don't go to them. I don't want to go to festivals. I don't want to do none of that stuff. I don't want to have to be at a bar with people talking at no time. I don't like that no more. I can't lie to you. I can't stand. This is specific. You're like, how?

Don't listen to me. I grew up at a bar. Okay, let me just ask you a question Most people don't go into a bar to their 14 I grew up in a generation Where if you were a dad And you brought your kid to the bar They could send them at the bar They could drink soda and watch the game

I did that with my dad all the time Yeah, you can't do that to that You can't even think of doing that thing Really? Yeah, at 8 o'clock we serve alcohol There's nobody on their 18 We'll lose our license Everybody's walking around fucking scared

That sucks That was the best They used to get Shirley temples Yeah, that's what you do You eat a thousand fucking cherries Until your mind goes crazy and you get a fucking headache and shit like that.

What was I talking about? No, no, we're talking about Valdez, man. You know, and, you know, the sliminess of selling these people. Well, that shit, bro, that, for five or six years, I didn't get work because of that. Yeah. In fact, a couple of years ago, I was involved in a project, and all of a sudden they stopped calling me,

and I asked a friend of mine, they said, did you go off on a producer a couple of years ago? At the comedy store. He didn't even know the story. And I go, yeah, one. He goes, they don't want you involved in the project. Oh, man. Hey, listen, I spoke up for what I believed.

He disappeared, right? He's gone. He's around. He's got a Facebook page. You know what, man? I'm actually pretty sure I'm going to at least suspend my Facebook page. Why would happen? You said something to me last night.

You said, like, whatever you're looking at, I want to take it away. And I think what it is, I think it's Facebook. I think it's too much. Because there's just so much. Listen, man, we had this conversation last week. I was at a bar last night trying to do comedy. I got a cheese tray in front of me and I got waffles with fucking, and it's for everybody. Right.

Rodrigo was there. Berksha was there. Joe Perez was there. Lee was there. People coming over and saying hello. Then there was a break in the ball with. And there was three more. There was two Latin chicks, two chubby little Mexican girls with a black dude.

And they were all giggling. And then next to them, there was another guy. And then two more guys down the corner. Out of all those people, there was two people who weren't looking at their fucking phone. And it was me and Joe Perez. And for the first time last night. George Perez? No, this kid named Joe Perez.

He's a young kid 20 years old. That was a comedy funny kid. I'm sitting at this bar. And I'm watching this baseball game. And all of a sudden I look over and I see all these people. The guy next to me is texting his fucking text is going on. This guy's texting. The three chicks are looking at one phone.

Gagling like, hey, ha, ha, ha. Then they're playing like fucking Pokemon at the bar. You know, and I looked at them and I go, when I was a kid, I would be at a bar drinking. I'd be drinking. I'd be having a good time. I'd be eating eating the cheese. You'd be in the moment.

Engaging in conversation. There was 12 people at the bar, and seven of them were on their phones. Like, it was the end of the world. They dawned out me. I'm like, I said something to Lee and Bird. I'm going to get off the fucking phone. You guys got to stop. You guys got to stop.

It's got to end somewhere. I wish I could wake up one day and just delete everything. But it doesn't take that much of my time. I get up. I do it in the morning, and I move on with my day. Sometimes I want to smoke a joint on Periscope. That takes three fucking minutes. To be very honest, I get lost it.

It takes up probably hours of my day. Yeah, I know you're home fucking tiki, tiki, tiki. Because here's what happens. They have these videos. So you scroll with plays. That was a funny video. And then it just scrolls up. And there's like $8,000 and you have to keep doing this.

No, I don't, that's when I call you at 8 and you're telling me you're sending emails. I know you're fucking around on the thing. Looking at stupid videos of Chinese people, hot dogs or something. It's about. And giggling and listen to the podcast. You're out there fucking around. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

So that's why I'm thinking about deleting it. Don't delete it. Just take it off your fucking phone. Start taking shit off your phone that delete you from your fucking life. Start taking shit off your phone that is taking you away from life. Next time you're caught up in your phone, look up and go, I could have just got shot in the fucking head. Next time you're in that little pond with the bird where you go smoke a cigarette or drink your fucking coffee and you look out and you look at your fucking phone, look up one second. And think to yourself right.

now I could be getting shot and a head of terrorists could just take me. And if I was looking up, I could have caught this motherfucker and hitting under a tree and played fucking possum. You understand me, Lee? You have to have one point. You want to die, man. You want to die. No, that conversation we had last week about Ari was really sunk with me where he threw away his iPhone. And he went back to the little phone.

And he said he was taking too much of his time. I don't use the shit on this. I don't need this. They just, I've been sprint for 20 fucking years. Yeah, no, I would be lost without GPS, so I need it right now. How do you think people got around with the fucking horse and buggy? You think they had GPS? When I first got here, they used to give you a paper thing,

and you had to go to where you wanted to go, and it was page 819, and you had to get a magnifying glass. Thomas Guy. Thomas Guy. That was the most annoying fucking thing in the world in Thomas. What are you going to do? Do you know what a Thomas guy is? Listen, every time I've been in the car with you, you got me lost with that fucking guy.

I have a guy lost. You one time that Diagostino cost me an hour of my life. That wasn't me. Taking me around the fucking thing. Him and Emma Wong, whatever a fucking name is. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you guys about something that's real important to me. And one of the reasons why Willie's here. Wow.

I got the special. I'm shooting for New Wave October 15th. I did the math. I was thinking about it one day. And two people have given me jokes. I mean, 100 people have given me jokes. Two times I used a joke. One time Willie gave me a joke like in 99,

he goes, you should tag it like that at one of those theater Latin things up in fucking... Texas? No, up the corner here. We used to do not Modesto. Yeah, Modesto and all those. Years ago, there was a lot of action up there. And there was a black dude that was a football coach, a high school football coach,

and he used to do rooms up there every six weeks. And he didn't pay us bad. And we'd get a hotel room and smoke pot and giggles. But one night you told me one joke about a boat or something from Cuba I should try it and I tried it And the other time a girl gave me a joke and I did it And a year later some guy accused me of stealing his joke And I went to her and I go, did you write the joke?

And she goes, no, I heard it. I go, why would you give me a fucking stolen joke? So after that I don't listen to fucking nobody I just mind my fucking business Because you end up doing somebody else's fucking joke And you whatever But I thought about something I go, you know what?

I've heard of people having a special and hiring six writers to do the special. And they do their dirty work. I didn't want that. I wanted to do the dirty work. I wanted to be a part of the dirty work and be a part of the process and go out there. This is going to force me to be a better comic.

And I said to myself, who can I fucking work with as a coach? Like, if I wanted a fucking coach in stand-up to talk to me about stand-up, I would trust myself with maybe two people. And there isn't two people. There was one person. It was you.

I got to tell you, man, that was very special. When you came up to me and said, hey, brother, will you work with me on my special? Because I've always been a big fan of yours, bro. So when you told me that, I was like, hell yeah, man. I thought about it. I broke it down in my head and I go, listen, man. He's the only guy I'm going to listen to. Why?

Because of the tonight shows. Because that is the best formation of a set a human being could do in my world. I admire that. For people who talk shit on the Tonight Show, they could suck my dick because, you want me to tell you some? I could kill the Tonight Show because it's my world. It's four minutes and 58 seconds. But I'm fiercely terrified of it. You understand me?

So when I see somebody kick ass on it, I understand the level of how good they are and the level of professionalism that it takes. Like you said before, it's a corporate gig. To me, it's too big. My circuitry would go off. I would start talking to the audience and ask people what they do for a living and shit. What do you do for a living? You ever been to Connecticut?

Like, I would fucking not handle it. So when I wanted to put, you know, I want to still put my life into it and my words. I wanted you to come in instruction that shit. And that's exactly like every time I leave you, I talk to you for an hour. The reason why I only talk to you for an hour is not because I don't like you

is because I got a process what you just told me. You just blew my fucking mind. You know, you just blew my fucking mind. I never even thought of comedy writing the way you think of comedy writing. I have a complete different admiration for comedy writing. Now, now, because of my connection with you, I'm never going to throw away material again. Once that special is shot, I take a week off, and we get back to the tape recorder's leave, and we go to every dirty bar and fucking recina, and we get an hour and six months.

That's the only one I'm going to do it. That's the way you do it. And then the next six months, you chop that motherfucker up, add the seasoning, tie that motherfucker up, and that's how you do it. That's how a fucking professional comedian does it. And I did not do it like that forever. So now I'm re-energized. Now I know how to do this.

Now I know you taught me the steps, how to get in there, and every time I shoot a special, it's me and you throw wheels fall off. Because I listen to you. I wouldn't listen to somebody else, bro. I would have never listened to somebody else. Listen, bro, I'm going to tell you, I got to tell you, you, when we were talking, I think yesterday or a couple of days ago, and you said how much, because you're around UFC and Joe Rogan and you're around all these guys that fight and you're into jiu-jitsu. And you said to me, man, Willie, I realize now how martial arts evolves, how guys go from learning something to evolving and getting even better. And you said you applied it to your life, right?

Yeah. To your stand-up. Yes. Okay. Now, here's where I applied the same thing. You know Ruben Castillo. I don't know if you ever heard of the guy. He's a funny fucking guy, man.

This guy had three losses, right? He lost to Salvador Sanchez, Alexis Arguehl, and Julio Cesar Chavez. All right? This guy is funny as fuck, bro. He goes, hey, Willie, I'm going to tell you something. If it wasn't for those three fucking guys, I would have been the greatest fighter of all time. But anyways, this is Ruben Castile. Steel, man. This guy used to do a show, a boxing show here in LA years ago with Chick Hearns.

They used to do a show on a local teller. I really pick his brain when it comes to boxing and that circle of people he's around. Anyways, when I realize how they coach like really good boxers is they don't change his style. What they'll say is, let me see you box. And you could box awkwardly, but they'll teach you to fight from that. They don't change you. They don't change. Okay, you're going to be an awkward looking fighter, but you're going to be a good, awkward looking fighter.

Or you're going to be a South Paul, but you're going to be a good South Paul. You know what I mean? When I hear you on stage, first of all, boy, crack the fuck up all the time. To me, it's just it's easy. It's an easy gig, man. Because all I see

is just telling you, going, Hey man, instead of doing a joke like one, two, three, why don't we start with three and then put two here and one here and it has a smoother transition. That's all I do, man. That's all I do to your creativity, you know, and the fact, honestly, brother, I'm one tie I think. There's not a lot of comics I respect. I mean, you and I have been, you've seen me at comedy clubs where I walk in and I

probably say hi to two people. There will be 20 comedians in the room. And there's only one that I go up and shake hands with and say, how are you? Good to see you. How's the family? Everything. I do my set and I leave.

I don't like a lot of people, Joe. You know that. Me neither. I don't know that. And listen, man, the fact that I'm, that I'm, you trust me with this. Hey, bro. It's a privilege, man. It's a privilege.

Hey, man. You know, I'd like your fans to check out my Netflix special, bro. Now, how long has it been on Netflix? Six weeks. And what's the name of the special? It's called The Truth Hertz. Okay. You watch this fucking special guys, and you send me a fucking tweet or you send Willie a tweet.

Go watch your fucking favorite comedians and then watch this special. Watch how he prepares his material. Watch his conviction. Watch how every, watch it not once, but twice. Three times. If you want to really learn, watch where he puts and positions his words. that's something that you can't even go to college for. You really can't.

That's something that comes from, and I always watched you do it. And we sat together, and you're like, I think you should say that word. And I would go home and go, Jesus fucking Christ. And then I would go on stage,

and it would fucking just work like a charm. And that's the first time, Willie. I wouldn't take instruction from a lot of people. Hey, bro. What's up, dog? No, I've been seeing you a lot more recently. I haven't been calling your shows as much, but now I have. But you haven't been repeating it.

So what are you doing? Are you just trying new stuff every time here and then on the road? So what I'm doing is you tape it, Willie tapes it. If he tapes it, he takes it home and he gives me notes. If you send it to me the next day, I sit with a blank notebook. With a blank notebook, I put the date on top, and I listen to the whole recording with your phone's on. and then I really don't do much.

I can't lie to you lately. I've been laughing. I cannot lie to you, late. Some of the shit you tell me the next day, I forget about. Now I'm hearing it. Now I'm hearing it.

I'm going, wow. So now I understand that Tuesday nights for me is 30 minutes of material, and I'm going to get eight. And it's not really material. It's just a couple sentences, maybe a word, maybe hummus, dick.

maybe something we said. You know, you threw me an idea the other day and I wrote it down and I'll wait to the improv to give you all that so you can watch it. We'll do our thing next Friday night at the Ice House. We're at the Ice House. Which is next Friday night.

September 2nd. September 2nd. Yeah, we're doing two shows on Friday night. So I'll get to do whatever material you want. But whatever time you want me to do, I'll just take two sets that night and do the first show, two, half of it and the other half.

And I don't care what the audience thinks. Just so you can hear it and they'll give me a CD. Then I'll work on it again during the week up there. And then Friday and Saturday, you and I together again at the improv on Melrose on September 9th and 10th. So we'll tape it again there and we'll look at that. The following week, I go to Austin. I come back with five more sets. Then I go to New York and I come back with four more sets.

Then we got a week. off. That week I see you like two or three times. I go to Columbus. I come back from Columbus and I got Tuesday night at the Comedy Store. We'll run it again. And then the week before, when I come back from Columbus, Tuesday night before Chicago, I run it again in the belly room. I go to Chicago. I tape the special.

That's the process I'm using. That's the training of music. A man without a plan is not a man. I'm not going to get another shot at this, okay? I barely got this one. I got one. I got one special. in 25 fucking years. If you think, listen, you and I discuss something and I discussed it the other day on the fucking show on Sunday,

and I give props when props is due. You and I watch the fight, and I've been telling you, the main thing I got about MMA was every time a fighter showed up and says he's got a strong punch, and after every fighter, that's all he had to tell me.

He didn't evolve. He didn't go to Jiu-Too class. He didn't even try to wrestle. GSP used to go to gymnas. And he'd go to Mumbo class. Yeah. And then he'd go to Pilates with Broad. Then he goes swim.

You know, that's why GSP became who GSP was. I could, dog, you know me. I could smoke 15 joints, do a bit about sucking pussy, do 15 minutes about getting my dick sucked in the shower. I do a bit about something generic, and then I'll close with something disgusting. And you watch it, and you go, yeah, he was funny, but after 20 minutes he lost me

because it was the same Joe Diaz. He didn't evolve. He didn't evolve. I don't want that in my special. I want it. I want people to see him go, wow, Joey actually put work in like Connor McGregor. He's disciplined.

He still said fuck 80 times. The last time I saw it, he said it in 198. He didn't say pussy. He didn't do, you know, listen, when I'm on stage and people are laughing, I'm doing a sex joke, you think I feel good? Look at me. I'm not 20 no more.

I'm a 53-year-old dude doing a joke about eating pussy. It's funny. We giggle. But it's not what I... It's not what I want the country to see, whether it goes on Netflix or fucking showtime, wherever it goes.

I'm going to have one shot at this. So this is why I wanted to show up like fucking Conn McGregor. The most important is I'm prepared. Yeah. That's it. You prepared. Your special comes true. You do your hour 15, your hour with 10.

They chop it into 55. They show a tape of you. You jerking off with a tuxedo on with your buddies in the beginning, and you got yourself as special. Let me give some shout out to I get you out here. Let me give a shout out to my man, Chess Seven, Raj, Don Wrangler, Cleo, Jake Music, Richie Mangonis, McAnnis.

I don't know what the fuck. You're an Irish dude. I love you. Chad Reza, Greg and Lynn up there in Seattle, holding it down for Uncle Joey, and Matthew Oliverus. Don't forget, I'm at the I, House Wednesday night in the back.

So I'll do another hour back there. Nice. And send that to you August 31st. And then I'll be back there. The ice house has become fucking workout headquarters. All right. That's it, man.

Willie, I'm happy you came on. What's an Emmy special again? No, it's called the truth hurts. What the fuck. It's called the truth hurts. It's, uh, and it's, uh, the truth hurts.

If you want to see how a real convenience works. Because see, here's what the problem. is right now. And it really burns me out because now it brought in my horizon on a lot of things. It brought in my horizon on music. It brought in my horizon on... We were talking about

the ABA and the NBA. Right. And we were talking about the differences of how the ABA was for players who went to college, but they had to go to a community college. They fucking got three chicks pregnant in the eighth grade. Their family was on welfare. He didn't take the ASETs.

He shot a teacher in high school. He shot a teacher in high school but they end up in the ABA and they led the league of scoring on a tremendous basketball players the A B the NBA was more civilized right the same thing happens in comedy but you people don't see it okay you have this you have these great run of comedians that are media-fueled comics okay you have a great run of them and some of them deserved the publicity and one of them couldn't fucking make you laugh if they had a gun to their fucking head but that's just the way life goes. The media stands behind them and fuels them. You guys embrace them and there's nothing you could do. Then you have this other level style of comic. And let's say that's a comic like myself.

A comic who's been around for a while and one day he pulls a stunt or he does something and he fucking people start coming to his shows and he starts getting better as a comic. But eventually he moves on like everything else. Even everybody moved from Led Zeppelin. There's nothing you could do. It's evolution. But those comments, that do that have been around and then their popularity goes away because the show goes away or the tonight show goes away or the whatever the TV show goes away. These guys keep working. The public just dismisses him, you know, but these guys are still, there's some guys that take their $6 million and they go fuck stand-up comedy. That's for punk-ass bitches.

But there's comics that are like, I was a comic then and I'm a comic now. That's what I'm cute doing. And they keep improving. But meanwhile, you're going to see the comedy. comics that the media is pushing on you. This guy's in your hometown, and you're like, I've never really heard of him. They said he was on a TV show in the 90s on ABC. I really don't want to see him.

You know what I'm saying? There's a lot of great comedians that are working today that nobody goes to watch. Because everything else is fueled at this style of comedy or they have to have a tattoo or a beard or glasses. Yeah, and then I was in the whole town. I was watching comedy. I saw 10 comics I never seen before. but they were all dressed weird. Like they all had something like beards.

Like three of them had beards. You know what I'm saying? Like they want to cut a fucking tree. It's a manufactured persona. Right. It's a manufactured persona. I saw the girls with tattoos and half a head was chaved. And then another guy came up and he was playing the fucking nerd.

And another guy came up and he was Belushi Jr. He was trying to jump up like the fucking dude who died from drugs. Right. So it's just really weird. You are one of those guys that are fucking a great comedian. Thank you, brother. And someday somebody's going to notice that I'd take a picture you will put a statue of you up. You look at, you know, I heard a story a couple weeks ago that Ralphie Mae was at the improv one night,

fucked up on fucking whatever. And he looked over and there was a picture of Seth Rogen up there. He took it off the wall and ripped it up and broke it in half or something like that. And he told the improv, so then a couple weeks ago he went to Montreal. off and he had to do something and Seth Rogen was the judge and Seth Rogen had heard about where Ralphie did and I don't know what the

fuck the story is you know in our world we know who the you know it's like when somebody says to me well that TV show he's great on that show well he's a comedic actor he's not a stand-up comic that's different you just said in the beginning you were there

with D.L. Hughley this is 26 years ago Chris Tucker's a guy Chris Tucker. Pierre. These guys still around. They're still fucking comedians. These guys didn't give up once the TV show went down. I know, wasn't he back on the road? Chris Tucker got back.

Yeah, yeah. He started traveling again. Started gigging again. It's up dog. It's weird how fake the awards are too. Because there's one of those guys who, a comedian no one really has respect for, but has a show.

And all I've heard is everyone hates it. And I was driving down the street today. This is the billboard. four Emmy nominations. I'm like, I haven't heard one good review of this show. How does it have a four Emmy nomination? You know, you just, you know, it's funny because Joe, you touched on something, man, that I've always talked about on stage with the little bit of audience.

You know, when I get my audience to come see, I got, I got a small audience, but those motherfuckers are loyal, bro. They're loyal. They're loyal. Yeah, no, I know. We did the fucking shit in the hangar. You know, 60 people that taking pictures. He signed morale is playing the drums.

You had it going on and shit. No, bro, but I always said like this, man. Like these, you know, like you said, comics that, that for whatever, I don't know, whatever happens, man, the, the industry kisses their ass, loves, these guys, these guys know how to play the game. And to me, what they become is like, like, I ask them, think of a hamburger right now. Right away they say, McDonald's. What's the worst burger you can have? There's a Big Mac. You know what I mean?

It's just, but if you really think of a good burger, I know a place called, um, a place called, um, Rick's burgers, and it's on Fletcher and Riverside. It's just one place. Well, they might have two. I think there's one in Alhambor. The guy saved some money and bought another. But I'm like a Rick's burger, bro. I just don't have that McDonald's money, but fuck, my burger's delicious, brother.

You know what I'm saying? Listen, I hope your people check out the special and hit me up. Let me know what you guys think. If you think it's suck dick, tell me, hey, you know what? But if you like to hit me up. Listen, one thing about these people know is I don't like him. I wouldn't have you in that chair if I didn't have the utmost respect for you. So they know.

They know. They're sick and tired of buying fucking bullshit and seeing bullshit. They want to watch good shit. If you want to watch a real comic, you watch this fucking special and take notes. And you might whatever say, well, listen, watch what he's fucking doing. You could watch the work in it. You ever go to a fucking place and you look at a statue? And it's a guy that just fucking put a mold on it.

But then you go to another place and you see a statue. You go, wow, I can see the work and the detail that guy put into that. And the restaurant owner will come over. Can I ask you a question about that statue? Where did you get it from me? Because I took the guy 16 fucking years. That's what it feels like when you see Willie Barsena performing. You're not going to see, you're going to see a well-structured fucking show.

Sometimes it goes off the rail. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes there's a couple cocktails involved. And shit happens. It depends what sure it was. That's right. But every fucking ain't nothing wrong with that. Let me give a shout out to my main motherfuckers.

Datsu Sara, baddest motherfuckers out there. I really like, listen, I got about 30 more pounds and I can't fit into the fucking ghee they sent me. And I can't wait. I'm going to do flying psychics in the fucking air with the whole thing. I'm in love with their bags. I'm in love with the fanny pack. You know, I don't travel without the fanny pack.

I can put the wallet, the fucking iPod, the fucking rolling papers, the lighters. They got rash guards. They got fanny packs. They got big bags. They got little bags. Listen, everything about them I'm impressed with. The durability of their fucking bag that they sent me out. Like I said, I got 19 pockets.

They sent me a fucking canteen. The same one Robert Duval gave the soldier in Apocalypse Now. Any guy who's holding his guts could drink out of my can't drink out of my canteen and shit. But no, they're all fucking around. Do me a favor. Go to D.Sgear.com. Take a look at the great selection of rash guards, geese. I think they only have two geese, but let me tell you some.

The hemp quality, they got belts. They got bags. I mean, if you want it, they got high quality stuff, and it's well-priced. And I'll tell you what I'm going to do. All my listeners, go to D.S.gear. Something. Go to D.S.gear.com right now. If there's something you like, go to D.S.

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I mean, everything's, it's tremendous. I'm in love with their stuff. Like I said, the fanny pack, if you travel and the black jujitsu bag, they're fucking phenomenal. I got my knee pads in there. I got a white belt in there. I got a blue belt in there. I got an extra knee pad in there. I put my wall in there.

I got two towels in there. I got no spray in there. I got a canteen in there. I got a rubber thing in there. And I got a pouch of fucking protein powder in there. I put my D in there. I put my belt in there. I put a fucking bag in there to put the dirty rash guard in,

which is sent to me by Datsu Sara. That's how fucking much they know about what you go through with Jiu-Jitsu. Not only that, they sponsor EBI. So they're right there in the fucking trenches. So if you're a jihitsu person, go to D.S.gir.com right now and cut the motherfucking shit. Number two, honor.com. Always on top of it.

I got some mixed greens sent to me, the lemon lime. Fucking tremendous. You understand me? Let's say you don't want to eat your lettuce. You don't like your fucking broccoli. You don't like your fucking who gotts. Neither do I. This is what you go to.

Go to honor.com right now. Whether it's the hemp force protein, whether it's the fucking alpha brain, which is a money back 100% guarantee. They don't even want the product back. Whether it's the shroom tech sport or the shroom tech immune, Hey, I got 10% off on you

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So on it, Dr. Tsoussara I want to thank you as both again DSDDSgear.com And press in Joey boom And on it.com and press in Church boom There you go 10% off

5% sent off, both of them delivered to your motherfucking door. And that's a wrap, bitches. I want to thank Willie Barsena one more time. Don't forget about the truth hurts on motherfucking Netflix. You think they put them on Netflix if he's some type of fucking half a mutt?

Get your life together, bitch. Lee Syed, have a great weekend. I love you, Willie Barcena. Don't forget Austin, Texas, September 15th, New York City September 24th, Gotham Comedy Club. Cut the shit. Don't tell me later. Joey, I was

gonna get tickets and you put me on the list there ain't no list I grew up in fucking jersey I got 18 people calling me up giving me dates and shit leave me the fuck alone there's no list get the tickets today stay black have a great weekend we'll be back Monday morning for you motherfuckers when you wake up Monday you have a fucking brand new podcast I love you guys stay black have a great weekend this show was brought to you by Datsu Sara go to DSgear dot com right now and use cobert joey to save 5% on all of their extremely high quality functional gear that's made with hemtech styles. They have bags, geese, rash guards, and much, much more t-shirts, the famous fanny pack.

Just go to DSgear.com right now and use code word Joey to save 5%. That's Joey to save 5%. This podcast was also brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and use Codebird Church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shum Tech Immune, and Shum Tech Sport. What do you think of that, Lisa? You know we don't fuck around. Turn your back on my baby.