The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #409 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 29, 2016

Bert Kreischer, Comedian and Host of the "Bertcast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order. Recorded live on 08/28/2016.  

This show is brought to you by Datsusara. Go to D.Sgear.com and check out their extremely high quality functional gear made with hemp textiles. They have bags, geese, rash guards, and much, much more, including the famous fanny pack. It's D.Sgear.com and use code word Joey to get 5% off. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use code word church to save 10% on all their amazing optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Moot, Shrm Tech Immune, and Shroom Tech Sport. Kick that mulelea. Kick it, meat, kick it.

I want you to blow my fucking speakers right out. It's fucking Sunday night, aka Monday morning, bitches. Are you fucking kidding me or what? On the road in 40 days. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Sweet, sweet kind of a turn of her act. I don't know what the fucking day is.

I know it's Sunday, August, something. It's a beautiful day to be alive. You got your health, you got your fucking stomach yet, and everything else falls into place. The church of what's happened now, bitches. Here we go. We're an American man. We're an American band. We're coming to your town.

We'll help you party down. We're an American band. Let's go to Omaha, Joey. Fuck yeah. Oh shit. And to retur on the show To be the good feeling right It's a fucking great jam

And it's weird because you think Is that the one that No, it's the other one Black Betty You think it's the almond brothers Black Betty's I came on the stage To Black Betty for fucking four years

That is such a guy I hear that and I get chills Now whose things that? Ram Jams They're out of Jacksonville Or maybe they're not out of Jacksonville But I always got that like when you watch The video

they're in like in front of just an old redneck two-story white house and just bell bottoms and fucking 1970 real simple song oh i fucking love red i love that i love black petty what's going up berk rish and i am so good i'm so happy to be here now how long have you been home for you've been home for a fucking while yeah i'll be home for a little longer too now that they canceled that tour now how many weeks were you on it i was just doing too but i pulled out you know i don't do because we're talking about this but i don't do much as much on the rokes of the girls And so I pulled the two weeks I was working, and I filled them up with that tour. And so the other weeks I had off, so as soon as that tour went away, I couldn't refill those weeks.

Now, what were the other weeks? What were the other dates you had on the oddball? I was doing Seattle, Portland, uh, Red Rocks. Red Rock's the one that bums me out because I really wanted to do Red Rocks. That's sad. Fuck. Yeah, but it would have been sadder doing Red Rocks to 1,500 people. Yeah, it doesn't.

I was telling, this is what I was saying about it, Joey. You know what it was. The comics that are on it are all fantastic comics, but they're not, you know, the people that go to that show aren't comedy fans. They're event comedy fans. Like, Sebastian's a great comic and comedy fans go see Sebastian. But he's not like a Sam Kinnison, Dave Chappelle, Mitch Hedberg. Like, his life's really nice and it's put together and he does a really great act. And it was shocked me. It wasn't just Sebastian. It was Gabriel. It was Seguori. It was, I don't know, or Jim Jackson. freeze. I mean, you have all these people and you couldn't chop up the ticket. I really thought

I had mixed feelings. I thought that, listen, let me tell you something. Before I got to comedy, I'm going to tell you something right off the bat. This is how I thought comedy work. You went to the fucking movies. The movie was sold out and you and your girlfriend were sitting with your dick in your hand. You called the other movie theater

that sold out, but you look across the street and there's a fucking comedy club. and you walk across the street and it's 20 bucks to get in, a two drink minimum, you go in there, you don't know who the comic is, you laugh,

your fucking ass off, you smoke cigarettes, you know, it's one of those things. It became a business now. Yeah. Like, it's become a big time business now.

It's two drinks. They want to do four shows a night. They want to do all this stuff. So now... They got ticket surcharges. They got tickets. Surcharges. Three bucks on every ticket.

And every fucking ticket that us as comedians don't see a dime of. Yeah. Not a fucking dime of. And now you have the ticket. The tour was successful the last couple years, but it also had Chappelle and Flight of the Concordes.

It was events. It's just like Pearl Jam. They had like Flight of the Concords and Louis and Amy and Lizzie. But not one time. Do you want me to tell you something? Not one time did I doubt the comics that were on the tour. This year? None of them, all of them.

Just Gabriel and, listen, Sebastian did that. Seven nights at the fucking theater in New York. That's theater with the fucking Ormond brothers play in a row. You know, Bill Bird did, I don't know, 19 fucking sellouts in Boston. Yeah. You know, Gabriel, Jesus fucking Christ. Where doesn't he fucking Dubai?

The Prince Lyserman? You know, these are great comics in their own way. It's also $100,7. Lee said he went online for the $30 tickets, and they were two miles away. You had a binoculars and another binocular for the fucking binoculars. You know what I'm saying? So it's what I've been talking about, but I got a problem now.

Now, I talked to Tommy Easter. Okay. And he said he went to the Dodger game the other day for $18. Right, yeah. Now, how do you fuck? People tell me that $200 the fucking seats. How does Tommy used to go for $18 fucking dollars? Well, it's the game time app.

And there's other ones like it, but it's all it is. It's just. I mean, he sat in hell. He said, but he's in hell. Do you know they have a medical marijuana smoking section of Dodgers? No, they don't. Yes, they do. No, there's Joe, there's no way.

That's what he told me. I'll call him right now. Are you serious? Yeah, that they have a smoking section and a medical, I mean, you've got to walk eight miles. By the time you get there, you're like, we might as well leave. We're by the bus station. You know, we're all away. We're in Silver Lake.

Yeah, we're in Silver Lake already. So, I heard there's a medical man who want a fucking little smoke pad there. Listen, you're going to spark it by the fucking game anyway. There's nothing worse. You wouldn't be too nervous at a baseball game? Are you fucking kidding me? That's a home with sparking a joint. I remember going to a Yankee game one time and looking down and seeing crack vials.

Yeah. Yeah. In 1993. Holy shit. That's too much. Seeing little crack vows in fucking Yankee Stadium. People sitting there with a cigarette. You don't know it.

You don't smoke crack. You just smell something, but you're so enrolled in the game. You probably think it's popcorn. You know, I would hate to go to a game with my daughter with your daughters and for them to go, Daddy, what's that smell? Yeah. You follow me? I would hate to do it. So I think that.

it's better just give them, listen, it's legal. It might as well be legal here. Might as well be legal here. People smell it now and they go, God damn it. They go, what the fuck? But here's my question, but going back to the tour,

is I think, two things, I think people really regret not having bought those tickets in two years. But I think that like everyone that was on the tour, there was no like Louis or Chappelle or like just someone, like Louis and Chappelle are gray white sharks. Like when they walk into a club, even we get like, fuck Chappelle's here, you know?

Or like, and like when Sebastian walks in, I'm not shitting on Shabashen. I love Sebastian. But when he walks in the club, you're like, oh, cool, Sebastian's here. I get to see him. I think he's fucking brilliant. But it's not like the, you know, the Chappelle or Louis or the almost like they have that LeBron status where like I don't even give a fuck about basketball, but I do want to see see LeBron play a game before he dies.

But at the same time, Amy Schumer's not selling tickets with him. So Amy's got that status She's not telling us She's not selling tickets right now No Irvine Ampetita ran a fucking group on two Saturdays ago The Irvine one is the one they're really embarrassed about That's the one that's eaten away at them

They're not even selling tickets to Irvine Well here's the thing I went to Irvine a couple years ago And I don't know any of the comics personally But it wasn't It was one of those events shows As you said it was the bigger names Yeah, you're with your pal

No, no, no, not even, it was a year after that. It was like, it was hard week. It was, no, I was on the tour with Aziz, but it was easy. I had a Gaffigan and Louis C.K. and all that stuff. And I think, Joey, what you were saying, I think you're absolutely right. I think if, like, the tour that was on this Oddball tour was at the store one night or at the Irvine Improv, whatever, something like that, that would be. And you just went in there as a group. It would be the best show of your life.

This was a better show 100,000 percent. I think this was a great show. I think it was a better show, yeah. I've told you since day one on the drive to fucking Indianapolis. Listen, I knew Indianapolis wasn't going to sell. I just knew it. As soon as I saw Sunday, I go, I'll get a ticket. But this is not, this is the Bible Belt.

Yeah, and it's Sunday. And it's, I don't think it's going to sell. That's the first one that went down. That would make me fucking ecstatic. Because now I got Thursday, Friday, Saturday, you know, the long drive is Atlanta. Then they called this and said Atlanta was going down and we're like, what the fuck? And that night I was at the ice house, and I was talking to one of the door guys, and I go, I'm embarrassed for Gabriel.

Gabriel, because Gabriel still went to Fort Lauderdale, okay, and still sold out the room at $50 per ticket. Okay, so don't fucking tell me. These motherfuckers looked at that because who do you go see Gabriel by yourself? No. No, you take your wife. That's a yardstick. That's a fucking yardstick. like the same yardstick that you were going to use for whatever.

The yardstick was there. I don't think, I think that when they called, the service fees were high. It was like $1.30 a ticket, right? I think there was a lot of variables. I think the other thing was, for me, I think it was late in the season.

I think it's late in the season. Right now, Bert Kreischer is not thinking about anything. Right now in two or three days, both of your girls go to school. Yeah. You know, that's what another factor. You know, who knows? It's an election year. Who the fuck knows?

Yeah. Who the fuck knows? What I do know is that what comedy club do you go to that's empty now? None. None. Yeah. Even the comedy store sells out on fucking Tuesday nights. You know, flappers is doing great.

Fucking the ice house is doing great. Comedy's on the way up. So this is why this whole tour is so very unexplainable. It's so very like, wait a second. What are we doing wrong here? So where, who's, so where's the fault go? Like, who fucked it up? Nobody fucked it up.

It's everybody's fault here. It's not a comedian's fault. No, it's not the comedian's fault. Marketing's fault, maybe. It's, uh, there's a lot of things that fault here, but you want me to say some? I think that, uh, people go to comedy shows again. People are going to comedy shows. And I talk to people all the time and they go see me, you, you know, they go see, uh, Sigura, they go see Duncan.

and they go see Kate Quigley. And here's what I think it is. That's a lot of money. Let's just say you were going to get a $100 ticket. I'm sure there's more and there's less expensive than that. But for five, that means you could have gone and seen any of you guys five times and seen an hour. So do you think, do you think, okay, that's a good point, Lee. So theoretically, if I'm going to understand what you're saying, when they first did this tour,

people were getting like, comedy was on the right up swing when they were like, shut up comedy's great again oh fuck i can see everyone i want to see in one night as opposed to now comedy's in the upswing it's doing well and now everyone's like fuck that i'm gonna save all these dollars and see each of these guys do an hour it's almost like a more comedy savvy crowds or like i'd rather go see joey for 30 bert for 30 Gabe for 50 you know what i mean and see them do an hour as opposed to see joey do fucking 15 up front birth do 10 um

somsigra do 12 eliza do 15 you know what I mean now because of my logic that I explained to you that I've always thought movies I beg the agents to keep the tickets to 25 hours I keep my mine at 20 then one day I go to why keep they oh you should do 27 on Thursday

20 it's fucking date night it's single night 20 yeah you know the agents will push you to no end to no fucking end with numbers guys I just want you to know that at home you know when I go on stage I got to be honest with you this is why I don't bring anything on the road because I just want to worry about comedy you know I don't want to worry about door deals ticket prices none of that shit I don't want the people to get gouged you know

Thursday night 15 bucks if you can 22 but then I find out a week later this is eight dollar service charge yeah two dollars if you will call the tickets it's a fucking nightmare. You know, you never stop getting fucked. You know, the thing that hurt me the most, half these flight plane tickets I got, they all had a cancellation fee. 150, 200. Delta, I caught

three fucking different times. And they gave me two breaks. Eventually, I knew they were going to say, Joey, we got to charge you this fucking something. Southwest, they don't give a fuck. Yeah, I was taking Southwest from Tampa to Atlanta, they don't give a fuck. They just said, we'll put it on your tab. Virgin made me open up a bank account,

or Sky Bank, and put my money in there. and I got a year to use it. It's fucking bullshit. But anyway, besides that, what's going on, Lisa? You got a beautiful weekend. Yeah, in San Diego, you went to see. Lee had a little problem. We had a little fucking problem this week that I didn't think about until you said something,

and it made a lot of sense because it happens to everybody in this room. Right. Couldn't get it up. Well, that happened before, but that wasn't this weekend. What is the problem? Well, I went to, and my girlfriend got us tickets. I like this EDM band. and I went

I started seeing them when I was 18 and I've seen them probably over 15, 20 times and we went down there and within 10 minutes we were both looking at each other like this isn't our like this like this wasn't her scene to begin with she's just being a nice person and going because I like it these people it's people Joey who I feel like

if you went in there it would be the best YouTube video because it's everyone doing drugs just to do drugs. Like they have like, they have the pacifier. They have these lighted finger gloves that they were just doing in front of someone's face

as they were supposedly tripping. And I was, I was on 800 milligrams and I was laughing in their, in their face, because they were doing like these little light fingers. But basically my problem, I told you the next morning, and I don't know if it's age

or maybe I just grew out of grew it. I still like, I'll listen to them in the car. And I like going if there's like an up, like I saw them in L.A. And I could sit down and really watch the light show. and that was cool. But to be in a pit

and like when you say jumping up and down doing all that stuff, we left after 15 minutes and one got Mexican food and went home. That was our night. Like it was just,

it was, we went down there for that and the highlight of the trip by far was the San Diego Zoo. Oh, San Diego Zoo is pretty fucking badass. Oh yeah, it's great.

And like, pretty fucking badass. And we were like, there are kids there and we were having a better time than the kids. We were taking pictures. There's pandas.

We went and sell the monkeys. Now, that would be a fun place to get to take these mushroom chocolates, I think, or something. The condor is pretty fucking badass at the San Diego Zoo. I didn't see the condors. Consor is insane. Insane. You're like, that looks like it's not even a real animal just like, like I want to say it's like a 12 foot wingspan. Just like a fucking tarot.

It's insane. Thursday I went to the LA Zoo. What a dump. What a fucking dump. That is. What a dump. It looks like those animals got hit by a car. They look like rescue animals.

Oh, my God. The fucking apes. Are they really? The orangutan. The fucking alligator had a fungi toenail like I do. It was fucking green and purple. I mean, the snakes are nice. The kid has a great time.

It's a great little exercise for an hour and a half. It's all uphill, but it's not one of my favorite fucking zoos. I'll tell you what's fun. We spent the night at the San Diego Zoo. I saw that you could do that. Oh, it's fucking Ila for her birthday. Found out that you could do that. She's like, that's what I want to do.

Joey, you hear the lions roaring at night. Just, it's fucking... It's in... What's that? How are the rooms? It's like cabins. Like tents.

Tense. Yeah, like cabin tents. Tent cabins. It's a tent. And so you're sleeping in the fucking zoo. And you do like a night walk around the zoo. So you go out at night. It's so fucking bad at.

And they leave someone of animals out? Is there a fucking fence around you? Yeah. You wouldn't do that, Joe? You wouldn't want to do one of those safaris? I couldn't sleep. I couldn't fall asleep. Joe, you're snoring in the fucking, the elephants trying to match him.

I couldn't fucking sleep just knowing that they're a fence away. Oh, it's so crazy. It's the same now. I mean, it's the same. I don't, what do we have between the street and you? Dude, we spent the night. I spent the night in, uh, right on the, in Tanzania. we were in Tanzania going into the refuse to do a safari and we spent the night right on the lip of it

and it was so cool and you could hear lions at night and it was just and you knew they could walk up and just walk into your front door like they could be there you could open the door and a lion could be there and you just heard them fucking roaring in the middle of the night the hyena's going fucking nuts that shit that's insane to me like the fact that like you could walk outside and a lion could just grab you. Fuck that. Nope. I like animals,

but I don't want to get grabbed by mistake by nobody. They're not I spent the night at the fucking thing in the tent. That's the night the Mexican ground keeper drank tequila. And you didn't put a lock on the fucking gate. That's the, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I got to wake up next to Timba,

the lion. I can't do it. Timba. Have you ever done the ones, Bert, like, I don't even know where they have them, where you can,

like, drive through and there's just animals roaming around. Oh, yeah, whatever the fuck they do in Jersey. They have that. where you drive with the window a little open. Nope, nope.

No window open. No, no, maybe you can, but I'm not opening the window. Fuck that. Here, let me show you. I'll show you a picture of how close I was to a lion. We did it because we did it within an open air tent and just drove all over the fucking, literally into the jungle. And there's a lion, not even, shouldn't you? Probably as far as me from that, that flag, probably double that.

But he's just sitting there and it's open air. he's just sitting there staring at you. Thumb, like, tail, slapping on the ground, just like a fucking cat. No, no. You couldn't do it? No, I don't think so.

I'll show you a picture. Like, it was fucking insane. I don't like when there's, like, a stray dog on my street. It freaks me out a little bit. I get fucked up when I see a pigeon. I know the pigeons in my neighbor. They're all fucked up. I see a pigeon from outside of different neighbors.

I get all nervous. I hate fucking pigeons. What am I going to do? Oh, my God. I don't know. Well, I mean, because Joe, you don't go to concerts anymore. Just going back to what happened to my concert. Well, it's interesting that you said it to me.

It's interesting that you cop to it. A lot of people couldn't cop to it. I don't know. I went to, I used to go to concerts to see different bands. And I'm not going to lie, nobody. They would never like bar bands. At that age, I would just go see the bands of the Garden or the Nassau Coliseum or the places like that. And I think once I turned about 20

Was when I would get to a concert and ask myself Like what the fuck am I doing here? Like once they played the song I wanted to hear I got to get the fuck out of here Yeah And I left people like Judas Priest I left people at concerts But my biggest ever

Was when I left Dan Murr At the Rolling Stones at the Hollywood Bowl Dan, Listen, who walks out of fucking like 10th row tickets and just walks home after three songs. Yeah. Like, that's the shit that I was working myself.

That's why the last year and a half I haven't gone to a UFC with Joe. Yeah. Because I'm to the point where I can't sit there no more. I can't sit there no more. And it started when I was 20 at places. I remember going to see, you know what concert I enjoyed?

Like Don Henley at Fiddler's Green in 95. That was one concert I enjoyed because it was easy drive. It was an easy war. walk but now it seems like they just put too much fucking drama well you always say something to me every time I go I'm going anywhere you just tell me to download the album and have a joint you're like why even gonna go down there you said it to me I was I went to the Rams game and you know fucking go to the Rams game and there was a

fight that night yeah there was a fight you take your wife what if they took the girls yeah we got season tickets yeah you're another one that's half retarded I don't get season tickets to go down and get beat up is it was fucking crazy it was a Love the band. Everyone was speaking Spanish behind us. It's these sporting events now, and one of them is going to end bad. That's the thing that you know is eminent. Like you sit there and go, when is something going to go down at one of these fucking things?

You can feel it. You can feel it going on behind us. The energy was like man energy. And I could, and it was like third quarter, and I was like, let's get the fuck out. I was like, it's a night game. The day games will be better. This is a night game. It's a preseason night game.

So it's all the riff-raft. and the guys behind us were talking shit in Spanish and I could understand a little bit what they were saying and I was like man if this was English literally Leanne would be turned around going shut the fuck up and I was and then these and then they were sitting in these other guy's seats and the other guys came

and finally like pulled the car and they were like listen you need to get the fuck up you're sitting in our seats and the guy was like are we going to do this and I was like all right let's go what the fuck are we doing listen man I went to 7-11 Deanna and I'm sitting there money in my business and there's this guy who

gets whatever, cigarettes, Newports, he's Mexican. He's got a raider tattoo on his arm. And then a raider tattoo on his side, like he's got the helmets or his heads. But here's what gets even beauty on his head and some raiders. And I'm looking at this guy

and I'm like, that's who Bert sat next to at that fucking game. And I'm not judging nobody, but you know, I just I can't. And that for one point, You're like, Joey, you're very negative because you look at the outcome. You think about the moves.

Okay, I'm going to go down that. First off, it's fucking 45 fucking minutes. And these jimokes aren't used to going into a stadium and coming out of a stadium. So that's an extra fucking 42 minutes to go in. Then I'm going to walk up there. I'm going to sit next to fucking, you know, God knows who.

Because these people have been waiting for the fucking Rams. I would have gave up after two years. Like, I'm done. I'll go fucking watch ping pong on direct TV or something. Yeah. And then, you know, that we were talking about today how they're gentrifying that area. I mean, they closed the Hollywood Bowl because it was so fucking bad. Not the Hollywood Bowl, the Hollywood track.

What was the name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where they're put in the fucking stadium. They're going from one bad area. From one bad area to the other in Englewood. Yeah. This does not. I used to love going to that track on Friday nights.

Oh, for the dollar beer, dollars together. Dollar hot dogs. And dollar hot dogs. I used to love that fucking train. Until you got to walk to your car. Yeah. Because you win $20. That's the longest walk ever.

You go not celebrate your wins. Those are some angry black people on that walk outside. And they just stare at you. Lee, you would die. I went to the casino once. And how bad was it? They have a weird thing in California where you can bet if the dealer's going to bust. And people will come in and place a bet on that if they don't have enough money to place up like a bed on a hand.

So this dude came by. And I'm used to playing in Vegas where that bet doesn't exist. And this black dude, he just comes in, places the bettdowns. He's like, that's my bet. I'm like, okay. And then I was playing two hands because I'm crazy. I'm one hand lost in one hand one or something. And he switched, he tried to switch it.

And he tried to get mad at me and take the money. I was like, this is my clue to leave. Like I parked when I got there, there's like a valley parking and there's like a free parking. I parked myself in the valley spot because I just knew. Like I was already, that's where that's where Paula is from. That's a girl I'm dating. Yeah. She lived behind it.

So I was down there once a week. It's not a great place. Like I don't know where these people who are going to go park down there and then stroll for a late night after the game. It's not going to be good. You can't look. The truth is if you want to see a Rams game, you better go now. You're not going to be able to forward the new stadium. New stadium, the seats licensing is going to be 50 grand a seat.

So you're never going to afford to be able to get season tickets ever again. So I was like, you know what, fuck it. This is the one time I'll ever say I was a season ticket holder to anything ever in my fucking life. It was really cheap, good seats. And I was like, fuck it. We'll do it. And then immediately I was like, I should have gotten two tickets. The girls will never want to go to another fucking game.

And then in my head, I was like, I was like, you know, but this new seat licensing thing is going to be 50 grand per seat. And it'll be an ownership of that seat. Every year. And that one time payment. Okay. So it's like buying a house. You're buying property. You're buying that property.

And you will own the right to that seat in perpetuity. And then you can sell the right to your seat to somebody or you can just get the, get the fucking ticket. By the way, that doesn't even count the, that's not even the season tickets. You got to buy season tickets on top of the seat licensing. It's a fucking nightmare. So, whatever. It's like an investment of sorts.

It's an investment, but you got to be rich as fuck to do. I mean, like, you know, I'll tell you. Well, it's a stock market. The seats, what you do is you buy the rights to the fuck. and see. Then you buy season tickets. Then you could sell them at eight times the fucking face value. They don't give a fuck because you paid that 50 fucking grand. That's the thing is like you look at like Denver when they did it, it seemed ridiculous.

And then now my buddy Paul was like, man, I really, really wish I had just gotten alone and done it because they'd be invaluable. So you can't, there's a long, long list to get assisted. They go to the Super Bowl. You're sitting. You got Iowa's fucking tuition. Yeah. That's the reality. That's the reality because some dummy will go, I want rent tickets now.

Yeah. You know, some celebrity on a TV show, don't know no better. Never been to a fucking sporting event. Doesn't know they're going to ask them for a thousand pictures and shit. He'll buy one of those fucking things. And then you're doomed. I don't know.

Guys, I grew up at Shay Stadium. I grew up in Mass Square Garden watching Nick Games, and I have the last Laker game I went to, I paid for the fucking tickets just to go. And I'm going to tell you something, that I felt ripped off. I just felt violated. You know, I used to go see great Nick teams for 15 bucks, $22 bucks.

Yeah. You know, now I'm paying $1.90, 180, you know, and it's not about the fucking digits. It's the principal. It's the fucking principle. My friend here goes to Disneyland. They have that scale. Somebody was telling me the idea. They have some scale at Disneyland now.

Is this true? Like a sliding scale for payment. Like there's some days where it's more. and there's some days that it's less or something it's like a hundred bucks he said that was a while ago I heard of 100 bucks yeah 100 bucks of a scale no like 100 bucks to get the day he went it was like one of the high days

so it was like a hundred something bucks oh so it's like a perfect day to go and they jack up the prices they know they can yeah there's something weird at disneyland like they they have last day it's last week of summer it is fucking slam packed at disney really everyone wants one hey one last trip to Disney come on a lot

we've got a bunch we've got a bunch we've got a bunch we got uh we got uh season passes to knott'sberry farm which is i think better in my opinion it doesn't have the it doesn't have the like fanfare that that Disney has like Disney has a little bit of a story

and backstory and if you've seen the movies you meet the princesses for a little girl it's ultimate but the girls are at an age now where they just want to ride the rides and the rides at not bear natsbury farms are so much better and they serve booze. I think Disney does too, but they serve booze. And the food is fucking through the food. The fried chicken is the best fried chicken you've ever had.

They've got these Knotsbury. I mean, the food is fucking phenomenal at Knotsbury Farm. Really? And the rides are awesome, especially for little kids. They got like a whole section of rides for little kids that you couldn't even do all the rides. I'm not ready yet. Yeah. Wait, how old is she?

Three and a half. Yeah. I'm not ready yet to see her on a ride swinging around. Georgia asked tonight. She goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is she going to be at our, is she going to be in school with Isla? And I was like, I think she's too young. She was like, wait, how old is she?

And Georgia was trying to do the math. She was like, okay, I think she's five, Dad. And I was like, she's not five, George. She's close to being four. So she'll go to whatever next year, whatever transitional K next year, and then who the fuck knows where she ends up? Starts at 95. Goes to 119.

And that's when it starts at. So on some days, like middle of the week, you start at 95 and on the weekends it can start at 119. I'll tell you what, one of the best trips I ever had to Disney, we went down there and it was sold out. It was packed and they were like, yeah, we're not selling tickets.

But the girls were so young, they didn't know the difference between Disney and Disney, like Disney Walk, you know, like the shops outside. Right, yeah. So we just took them to the shops, bought a couple nightgowns, bought them a fucking princess,

had drinks at dinner and drove home. We were like, We just did. They were like, that's Disney? We're like, yeah, girls, enjoy. That's it. It's amazing to juggle his dad's shit with comedy shit. I said to Fitzsimmons the other day.

I had a mo' my podcast. It's fucking amazing. I don't know how to fuck I do it. I don't know how you, because you do it the way I do it. Like me and you were the same. Fitzsimmons, he was like, he was like, I go, how do you go do sets and then wake up with the kids? And he was like, I don't. He's like, I sleep till 10.

No one bothers me. I'm a dad. And that's my job is to work. And that's my job is to do sets. And that's it. I'm sure you said it differently than that, but that was the jug. That was what I got out of it.

But me and you are still juggling like the go do sets, come home, get up at six in the morning, be awake, get everyone going, then go back. Maybe I take a nap from me at like noon. But go work.

I go work out. I come. I fucking take meetings, do a podcast. Like it's, I just, it's hard as fuck, man.

It really is. I, you know, it's like people go, look at, at Louis's trajectory of success, I got to be honest with you. And I think Louis would say the same thing. He didn't start really getting successful until he got out of his marriage. Because in that marriage, when you have a person saying to you, hey, hey, you got to be responsible for this and this and

this. It's really hard to justify doing a 10 minute spot, 15 minute spot in the OR and missing dinner, you know, or missing or not being available for dinner or knowing that you won't get up for drop off because you're not going to get home until two in the morning or one in the morning, you know? You see, for me, I was married and I didn't give a fuck. I had no idea what marriage was.

I had no idea what nothing was. I thought you went home, woke your wife up, stabbed her, and then got up the next morning, whatever. I didn't know what it was. I don't think, Terry would never say anything to me about my schedule. Yeah. I just decided

the things I wanted to do. as a human being like I just decided I go I'm gonna do this but this is also what I have to do you know first off if if they leave and I sit there and the computer the whole time I'm thinking about them she's driving out of school like I'm having a bad failure yeah you know what I stopped you know what I just go with them now yeah I get up with them and I go with them and I go have coffee for 20 minutes somewhere we talk about our day she splits I split and that's the beginning of my fucking day yeah I think it's really important.

I lived in this town for 14 years before Mercy came. I took every fucking stupid jerk-off meeting. I've taken every fucking call. I did everything. One day you start deciding what's important and what's not important. Well, I have a YouTube project I want to talk to you about. You know, sorry, brother. We can make millions on the penny program.

That's great. It's not going to fucking happen in my world. Yeah. When do we shoot? We shoot in collar bosses. is, it's not going to happen unless you shoot North Hollywood. It ain't going to happen. Like, one day, it just snapped on me.

You know, Lee and I were doing the podcast in his house, and there was a run I had on the road, which it was eight weeks, and then two off and another six. I remember that one, yeah. And, okay, I made some money, but the numbers went down on the podcast. I gained 30 pounds because of the lack of sleep. You just gain weight. Even if you stick to your diet, you're like, what the fuck's going on? Yeah.

I haven't destroyed the M&Ms in the whole. hotel room and I gained three fucking pounds, you know. And I figured out, and I was still putting the time at home. And it was really fucking killing me. Like, I have a thing. If I'm home, I'm picking her up and I'm dropping her off, unless, of course, you have an envelope. Yeah.

If you have an envelope at 4.30, I will. That means an audition. That means anything of that thing. But if I'm not getting an envelope, you're not going to see me. You're not going to see me at 530. People are furious at me because I won't do their podcast. But they have unreasonable podcast. They want to tape at 5 o'clock in Culver City.

You're never going to see me. Oh, I wish I could say no to those. In traffic. No, I have to. I have to say. I say yes, and then forget I said yes. And then they call up and they're like, so we tape in Venice and seven. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I got the girls.

No, no, no, I got the girls. And I got dinner. Dinner with my family is more important than any fucking podcast. Yeah. You know, that's how I have to look at it. That's how I have to look at it. approach this shit. If not, I'm going to go on the road and make a little money, but I'm going to lose that. And what's the sense of fucking doing anything if I don't have them? So no, no,

no, no, no, no. So now I'm trying to go two on and two off. You know, Thursday, do you think I really want to go to an L.A. fucking zoo? No. Or I had two options. Go to the L.A. Zoo, meet the rider, or go to Jiu-Jitsu. I had already been to Jiu-Jitsu twice, and they fucking killed me in the advanced class. I couldn't even walk. I went to the zoo. Yeah. Everybody was happy. What did we do after the zoo? We went to Boston Market.

I became a, what are those women that puke after they eat? Belimic. That's what I am. Every time I hang on with my daughter because she wants to go to Boston Market. So I got a bolemic, that fucking turkey. And the food's getting worse and worse. They had chicken coutics, the worst things I ever tasted in my life. Yeah.

Now they had something last week that I tried. What the fuck did I eat last week? That wasn't bad. I mean, it doesn't get me sick the food. So you don't really, but my daughter likes the mac and cheese from there. So if we're on that side of town, she says mac and cheese, and me and my wife look like, oh, Jesus fucking Christ. She knows the size of town? Like she'll know.

Yeah. Okay. It's like, dad, there's a Kenny Rogers over here. Kenny Rogers on the Highland. I used to go there all the time. On Highland? Yeah, I used to live right by Highland. That was the filthiest fucking place.

Kenny Rogers. Ever. And every time you went into like Kenny Rogers, you felt worse and more about your life. It was down the block. from, what's the diner? Right there on Highland. I don't know the diner. What Kenny Rogers are you talking about?

No, no. Oh, I know the dining you're talking about the one that there's like that old schooly one. On Highland. On Highland. On Highland and Sunset. No, Highland is Hollywood. Right by the Wax Museum. Yes.

Yeah. But the fucking. Dude, I've been to that. Is it Mel's? I've been to that diner. We've had lunch there before. I've had lunch there once one time. I think it's at Mel's.

It's Mel's. But in the middle of that block, Lee, was the Kenny Rogers Roasters. And I'm going in there before lunch. one day. Yeah. And the people who were in there, the people who were working. Like, it's one of those things I put the order in. And right away, I looked behind the kitchen.

I'm like, I wonder if I can get my money back. It was too late. This thing was fucking disgusting. It was just disgusting. I put it in an order and I guess the guy had a scab on his face. Oh, no. And he was itching his face. And all of a sudden, I put my order in and he's bleeding.

And I just like, hey, man, you're bleeding. And he was like, huh? Like, you can't, because you can't see that you're bleeding on your face? He's just like, I go, you're bleeding. Can you go clean yourself up? Yeah. Kenny Rogers is a fucking beast. Oh, my God, that was disgusting.

Yeah, it's tough to be. Being a dad and doing all this. But right now, Mercy's at the age where you can, if you dip out for two weeks, she notices, but it doesn't affect her. George is at the age right now. We're it affects her. Where she's like, like, wow, why you have to, like, she's really excited that tour. got canceled. Believe it or not, it affects them because they act different.

Yeah. They told my wife at school, she goes, there's certain days she comes in and she's not the same. Yeah. You know, and Terry goes, that's because he was out of town. He didn't walk or he didn't talk to it. Whatever the fuck it is. So, like I said, I had a child when I was 30, and I wasn't this, I wasn't

this enthused. Like, it seemed more of a chore to me then. And because of that, it meant that I was doing the wrong thing. I was doing all the wrong moves back then. So now it's not a chore to me. I know what I have to do. This last week we had her off. Me and my wife held it together.

I would watch her from 9 to 10.30, and then she would come back from yoga. I go to Jiu-Jitsu. Then we'd come back and we meet East Sunter. Then I'd do my fucking thing. Yeah. You know, my agents took me out to dinner on night. And the whole conversation was about me doing three weeks a month.

And I was like, guys, it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. I love doing my podcast. I love focusing on the podcast. I love spending time with my family. I love those weekends off. And I'm 53. When I go out there, I bang it out.

Those shows are packed. I got to take a picture of everybody. You do two shows on the Friday and Saturday. When I go back to my room, I'm standing there and my feet, gowing into the fucking floor from energy, I'm sore. My hips are fucking sore.

I got to go back to the room and do mobility fucking drills and take a shower at the end of the night. You know, then you got to fucking get up early and catch the first flight out. All that shit runs on you. man. It builds. It builds. Fuck you. And those fucking planes are filled with malaria and cancer.

They got radiation on those fucking planes. You know, it's like smoking 22 cigarettes every time you fly. Really? I'll tell you what. I started noticing I was getting bloated in my ankles on planes. That's why you got to sit there. When you sit there, you got to do pump legs because the Chinese consider the calf the pump of the bottom half of your body. Really? Yeah. That's why you got to do that. You got to do leg raises like toe raises. when you're sitting there on a plane. So I'll sit there in every couple minutes. That's why you get stoned because you'll think about it.

I'll fuck. I've never smoked pot on a plane. No, you don't smoke pot on a plane. You don't smoke pot on a plane. I got to try that one time. When you sit on, you get nice and fucking baked. But you do this with your ankles when you get on a plane. And the Chinese, I learned this through acupuncture,

they consider the calf is the pump to the lower body. So your ankles won't get fucking swollen. Do cap raises? Yeah, right there. Right when I'm sitting there, right there. I just do this every 22 minutes, and then every 35 minutes I get up and walk to the fucking bathroom. I take my time. Even if I don't have to go to the bathroom, I go to the bathroom.

Yeah. Because that's why I always sit in 1A, 1C, whatever that. That first aisle with the thing, that's my seat. Bulket for Boltcat aisle? I love that seat. That's my seat. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. And I got direct, I'm watching that bathroom the whole fucking time, and I'm watching that little dirty bitch in there.

Every time she goes to the back, I hit a vapor pen and put it right back down and blow the smoke in the blanket. You got to work it from all angles, Birken. I told you I just stopped drinking on planes, right? Yeah, because it calms you down, your anxiety. Yeah. I can't imagine getting an anxiety attack on a plane. It is my biggest fear. In my bag, I have Xanax, Valiums, snort.

What do you call that shit? Even though I don't use it no more. Cocaine? No, the shit. Oh, nasal spray. I have every anti-anxiety thing I can have just in case Q-tips. That marijuana never does it. That was the only time I've ever flown on edibles was the last time we went to Austin.

I'm going to do it this time too. I know because you do it up 4 a.m. But it's just that was the only time. And it wasn't real anxiety. But my heartbeat just started going. And you can't, I don't like getting up and moving on planes. So, like, especially as a bigger dude. And I was big when I was.

How much weight have you lost? About 90 pounds. That's fucking insanely. Thank you, man. That's so good. You look fantastic. I'm trying. My diet hasn't been as good.

But I've been working out. I mean, you work out a lot. You look pretty good. I'm the skinniest I've been in a long time, but I'm still fucking fat. It's a tough journey. It's a tough journey after a certain age. And you add that to the mix. You know, you want to take care of yourself.

You know, there's not a lot of comedians. that like 20 years ago they're not any comics that you hear weekend things anymore you know did you have a brick rice and then he got fucked up in Pittsburgh and then he got on the second show that doesn't exist and I'm done I know it used to be all the time all the fucking time

between Mitch Headberg and Pablo Giroldo geraldo in geraldo in harford they were like I was like oh jar was just here and they were like yeah it was bad he took too much Xanax and he had to lay on the floor and did his set laying on his back on the floor because the room was spinning. I did that in Beaumont. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Wait, tell me that story. You know what the most outstanding thing from this story is? What? That at 4 o'clock Saturday night, I call Slaneham's brother. He was a wigger. He's a rapper at the time.

This is 2005. The longest jar that just came out. I'm in Beaumont, Texas. I told the story on Mark Maron. It was not. Mark Maher podcast on the TV show. It was not a lie or not a scripted thing. That was a personal story

that I went, the guy picked me up, I got in the car, and I go, and I was, I'm fucking lit. I had 30 volumes, 30, 10 milligram values in three days. Drinking Yeager, Meistern, next time you get Joshua, ask Joshua, tell me the story about

Joey Diaz and Beaumont, Texas. They know about third, I went down there, but anyway, I went to buy Coke and they were neo-Nazis. I'm talking. It's behind Beaumont, Texas, a neighborhood behind Beaumont, Texas, it's a little bit on the rough end. And I went down and

Slate told me, his brother goes, listen, before we go in there, I just want you to know they ain't friendly with fucking people of your skin. I said, listen, you see this, there's $400 bills here. Everybody loves $400 dollars. I don't give a fuck who you hate. And I went in there, and they talked to me,

they even asked for a national... Now that was Cuban. I was jawing out of my fucking mind. I couldn't even talk. Yeah. The Valiums had me going, I was talking like this. It was horrible. That was the last memory of that weekend. Really?

And then you had to do a show that night? I did the show Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I flew on Thursday, and the kid was supposed to have the blow for me, and he goes, I got no blow. I go, what can you get me? What can you do? And he goes, I get your value. He told me, and I gave him whatever the price was. And he goes, it's

30. I go fine. Just bring me 30. Whatever I don't eat. I'll bring back to my friend in LA. I had a friend in Hollywood that he Vams. I'll bring him back for him. Yeah. I started popping. Popping him. First night. Like, I ate one, then two. Then I went to the fucking bar and I drank a little bit. I didn't get coked up the first night. Went back to the hotel. Got up, did some radio. You know, went back to the room, felt okay. Felt good. Yeah. Popped another one to sleep at three. Your nerves feel good. That's the crazy thing. about those slept till about six got up and was a little groggy had some coffee had a couple fucking camel lights you know had some fucking pop-a-dose and went to the show and at the show i started pop once i knew the coke was coming i started popping them on friday night popping them pop

and then we're in a little brown bag so i wouldn't count them i would just pop them like fucking tic-tacks friday now that was gone i must have gone to bed at one and i slept till 3.30 at next afternoon One of those things, you just wake up, your stomach's empty. You're fucked up. Like you need coffee, more coffee, a shower, another shower. You got to jerk off. You got to go for a walk, take another nap. It was one of those days, and I had two shows.

And again, I went in the bag and took a handful and put them in my pocket. Then the Coke came. And then we did the first show. And the first show, people were sending me Yeager. I said, Beaumont, Texas, this was a great little comedy room that was owned by two guys. And the one guy rubbed the other one. then the guy hit him in the head with a bamboo thing. And that was the end of that fucking tune.

Sure. Tremendous. It was first owned by two black people. They were very successful. A black couple where the kids had a theater in Beaumont, and the kid was a bartender. And they quit the business. The kid that was the bartender opened up his own club.

He's still in the East. There's a great kid, Slade Ham. So this Saturday night, I'm at the club. I got the package. I'm not hitting it. I'm on stage still. So I wouldn't do Coke on stage or before I would do Coke afterward.

Yeah. So I do the first show and I'm fucking hammed. Because that Valium's I took Thursday and those ones I took Friday, they're still in your sister. Oh, they don't go anywhere. Perculating like a mother. Hold on to fat cells. Hold it on to fat cells.

And every time you hit a joint, you get even more fucked up. It ignites one of those fats. Every time you have a cocktail, it just pulls them out of the fat. It pulls them out of the fat. So if you eat a 10 milligram valium, your fat takes half of it. five milligrams gets released in your bloodstream. The other five go in your fucking fat. They just get stored and stored,

and here you are doing gin and tonics. You don't even need Cosby to show up. Nature works itself here. After three nights are eating Xanax, chicks will tell you they black out. I know tons of chicks, eat those adorals and all that shit. They black out when they fucking drink.

That shit adds to it. So don't think that. So here I am, 400 pounds, sweating profusely on stage. I'm so hammered the first show I got to lay down. They're sending shots. I'm drinking 16 shots on stage.

I'm 400 fucking pounds. I already got the eight ball. It's fucking beige. It's beige. It's beige. This Coke was right from the cartel. Right from the cartel. It's beige.

Oh, my God. It was beige. And when it smelled through the paper, I could smell the fucking ether right through the paper. I was like, oh, this is going to be a good night. I'm going to go back to the hotel room. I'm going to take a fuck. And I had a plane from Houston at like 7.30 at the morning.

I'm like, I'm going to fucking snort this fucking eight ball. I'm going to drink. And all of a sudden, I go to the fucking bathroom. I come out of the bathroom and there's a broad waiting. And she's like, do you want to do a cup? I want to have a Coke. And I got the Coke in my pocket. But she's got something.

And she goes, I go, what do you want to do? You have a car? And she goes, no, my husband's here. Let's do it in the woman's bathroom. So we go in the woman's bathroom and do a few bumps in the woman's bathroom she leaves and next thing you know I fucking pass out I get up the coke is still there my money's still there the phone's ringing I can't fucking even I can't move it was horrible I definitely OD'd if it wasn't for my blood type and my experience

I would have been dead because I remember getting up because like you got to check out or give me 48 dollars and I just gave him like a 50 I go I don't even I couldn't even talk I went back to bed got up at eight puked with back to bed. I finally got a Monday and call my wife. I finally called Terry. Like, Monday. I'm like, Terry. You're not going to believe this. I'm fucked up. Yeah. And I stayed in that hotel room until Tuesday, and I had my friend come and get me and take me to this fucking thing.

So what happened with the flight? Who knows? I didn't come to until Thursday. I didn't really start talking. Like, at one minute, it was Saturday, and the next minute it was fucking Thursday. Good God. Like that's how fucking deep I was into drugs. But I was fucking sick till Thursday. You know what?

It took me years. Teed another sleeping pill after that. It was those bars. Those Zan bars? Those Zambars? Those fucking bat jack. Oh, dude. We had a friend addicted to those and they wouldn't even take him in rehab.

Why? Because you got to, I guess you got to like, benzos are the hardest to detox off of. dangerous. I used to take a ton of benzos. What of benzos? That's the classification for Xanax and Valium is a benzodiazepine or whatever. And so, but they're really dangerous to come off of because you can, I guess you can have a stroke. If you're overdosing, your body's dependent on them. It's really hard. But I had a buddy, they wouldn't even take them into rehab. They would like, they denied them rehab. They're like, tell them to get

off benzos first. Yeah, I was, uh, That was a rough. What is that you're burning? I'm trying to burn this off, so when they stick it into the pipe, it doesn't stick and attract all the other shit. And they see, it goes nice and easy, like a knife with butter. If you want your bong it, you want a bonger? You want a bonger?

You're going to sit there like Johnny L'Mort. Do you fucking bong it with us? This is the pure cush from buds and roses that place over on Ventura. Wait, do you not go into the other spot anymore? I go to perennial, but I got to mix it up. I've been going to perennial for the last year, and it's all the same growers. so you get used to their whole mix after a while, you know? So I said, let me try something else.

Josh Wolf goes to Bud and Roses. Let me go up there and see what it's about. Very nice people, very nice people, very knowledgeable, you know, very, they explain everything. In fact, they explain too much, like they tell you too much. I don't want to know this much. Just give me the shit that killed Lucifer, and I'll be on my way. They want to talk to you about histories and they won the Cannabis Cup, you know. Yeah.

But they're very nice fucking people. They're very nice people. The girl was knowledge boom. So I bought some sonic boom, some pure kush. And I said the sativa I got was fucking really good. Now, do you notice the difference between sativa as an indica? Yes. You do?

There's a huge difference. I could smell the difference. Really? I could smell the sativa and the indica. And I could also, when I get high, like I like sativas that get me fucking stoned. Yeah. I don't want to smoke a setiva that dick. with me and then everybody else is like did you feel the body I listen I want to body

how to kick myself in the stomach you know what I'm saying and release fucking my adrenals yeah what's going on over it'd be but it's um Bert I had actually a question for you shoot you seem like a very extroverted person yeah but I listen to your podcast and you always talk you talk a lot about like feeling nervous or anxious or like worrying about what people think yeah and that's my world like that's like I was thinking about it if we went to high school together, I would have hated you, but wanted to be you. No, you would have, me and you would have gotten along really well. You think so?

Like, in my head, you seem like a party or like a cool guy, and I just wasn't. So, but, so it, it always surprises me, or it used to surprise me a lot when people who seem to be extroverted and love being the life of the party are going through some of the same issues. Yeah, yeah, I, you know, it's so funny, I don't, I, I, I've really been regretting it, my honesty because I've shared way too much on my podcast. Like people know everything about me.

And I started going like, I should have played this cool. Like, like, you know, like, and just told everyone I was cool and I was a badass and I don't fucking have anxiety attacks on planes and I don't drink boxes of wine and whatever

the fuck secrets I should have kept. But yeah, man, I have I got diagnosed with social anxiety disorder when I first moved to L.A., some doctor told me I had it and I was like you're out of your fucking mind I'm a comedian and he goes okay and I just left

and then I realized oh yeah I don't like one of the things that drives me nuts is like going to like the improv and I don't know people's names and just I get like embarrassed I don't know their names and they know me and then going like hey like it and like I don't like answer on my phone I don't like checking

my messages like I just it's like I rely I'm I'm kind of a neurotic regularly like Joey knows like I don't you the half the times I do spots, Joey knows this for a fact, is because Joey calls me and goes, you're coming with me, let's go. And he just picks me up and we go to a spot. Like, I have a hard time calling him for a veils.

Like, just that phone call gives me anxiety. Oh, yeah, I can imagine. I used to love, not like, a lot of times you'll hear people be like, oh, I love when people cancel plans. I used to love when people wouldn't answer the phone. Like, if I would call them to like, oh, maybe we should do something. If I call them and they don't answer the phone, oh, great. I like I used to get

But it's weird because I would get bummed about in high school I'd be bummed like oh everyone else is out But I would never call someone and talk to them No no no If I wasn't at the movies or or at my best friend's house Like the one friend I had There's no chance to be going there I flew into South Africa one night

And I had and I was supposed to meet up with my whole crew And their flights got postponed So they weren't coming in until like 24 hours later And I just I literally was was like, oh, I'm locking down in this hotel room, hard fucking core. Oh, I love, and I loved it. I like, I like, I remember I woke up.

I had nothing to do all day. And I like, we had a little pools out by our, our, our, we had little sweets that had pools that overlooked the ocean. And I like got out my pool and they came back and watched a movie and fucking had a glass of wine. It was all. It's the fucking best. I love it.

My wife calls it cave time. She's like, every man needs cave time where like you go in and you don't fucking talk to anybody and you just disappear inside you and you get small. I love that feeling. I feel that becoming a comedian gave me social anxiety the last 12 years. So that's crazy because I really believe. I live with social anxiety forever. I can't under, I can't believe them.

Even when I was creeping and I was a creepy dude and robbing people and I'd have to walk into that bar. Right. And three people would say that. motherfucker robbed that drug dealer I wouldn't get anxiety I would look at them like who gives a fuck obviously you're not doing nothing like in my mind I would give them that type of look I didn't get social anxiety like I get now I think the comedy over the years gave it to me you flipped the switch too much it was too much somewhere you get overstimulated one night

you just don't come back I I one of the roughest things for me is for me to go on the road of my behavior on the road now. It's sort of very Jack Nicholson in fucking that movie when he's just a fucking nut. I have a... No, the other one when he's a nut. What is it?

No, when he's a fucking writer and he's with Helen Hunt and he washes his hands and he doesn't have friends. He's racist and he's fucking whatever. Well, not that I'm racist. I'm just saying that when I travel, now because of my situation. Okay.

If I was single when I travel now, I would be a completely different person. Yeah. In a couple of extremes, I wouldn't mean that I would still drink and do blow. I'm just saying that I would now because of the situation we're in, when we're alone, I missed that, those two girls. I miss my wife and daughter. But when we call and they're at that thing and they're playing at the house and you're in your hotel room and you're just reliant.

And the only thing you have on your mind, whether it's to get the steak or the chicken Florentine from room service, because you're not even leaving the fucking room. Like, you've already known. Like, I'm not leaving this fucking room. I will not leave that room until the next morning. I will not leave that room at all. Okay. I will not leave that room at all. And people really don't understand that since we have so much activity, when we go on the road now, it's a fucking, it's my piece.

I don't want to go to dinner I don't want to go to the movies I don't want to meet you nowhere I don't want to go to I'm not you're not going to see me in a fucking bar The only place you're going to see me is at the hotel gym Yeah and at the fucking hotel Whatever's downstairs or whatever's down the block I love these people calling me and there's a fantastic Cuban restaurant

How close is it to the hotel 28 minutes it's not happening Dude people tell me people tell me people tell me It's not happening people tell me we get done the show and they're like Bert come out with us I go where you, unless it's the bar next door to the hotel or next door to the club I'm at, I'm not getting in a car and driving to downtown Pittsburgh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I, man, I got stuck in Omaha.

No, I got stuck in Des Moines for like two days because of weather. And, uh, and man, it was beautiful. The girls weren't home. They were on the road. So I was just flying, they were like in Tampa or something. And I, I got up. And they called me and they said, your flight's been postponed. We're trying to get you on a flight tomorrow, but all flights today have been canceled.

And we're having a hard time. We may not be able to get you out until Wednesday. And this is fucking Monday morning. And I go, you know what? Don't worry about it. And I sat in a hotel Monday and Tuesday. And I, like, planned out my day. I was like, I'm going to the movies.

I'm going to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm going to go look at shoes over the Nike outlet. I'm going to go back into my room. I'm going to take an ambient at fucking six. and go to sleep, wake up at two in the morning, go see if I have a glass of wine and watch it. Like, I just love that shit. Disappearant, man.

I know I have some type of social anxiety, but I'm not going to go get a pill for it. Yeah. Oh, no, no. I just deal with it. Yeah. I just deal with whatever. If my body says, I'm not in the fucking mood,

you're in no danger. Guess what? I'm not on the move or anything. Yeah. I'm not in the move or anything. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Yeah. Ever. Like, I'm in the mood. I cannot go to see a movie. movie and the premiere, all those social type events, those days. Dude, I look at a long gone. I wish I had, you know who does, who's really good at it is Brendan Shaw. He goes to like movie premieres all the time and loves that.

And I just look at it and I go, I wish I loved it. I would be sitting. I guess if you're like a, if I guess if I had his resume. Listen, to a premiere and being in the movie and sitting there is two different fucking situations. Yeah. Two different fucking situations. Wait, what do you mean?

being in the movie. Yeah. And now you got to sit there with 200 fucking people who are sitting looking at you every time the movie comes on. I was on a fucking plane one time, and by the grace of God, grudge match was on. Grudge match is on.

It's in the fucking plane. And I'm sitting there next to Rogan. And Rogan is like, isn't this the movie you're in? I'm like, nah. And all of a sudden, he goes back to bed and I'm sitting there. And I can see the chicks next to me,

like, looking, and also at one point they go. And I'm like, I didn't even know what the fuck to do. When you go to a premiere and you have to sit there and look at your shitty fucking movie and make believe it's funny and the people behind you are laughing at your jokes because they know you're sitting there. Kind of fucking disgusting. I'll tell you what, but the best was De Niro and Grudge Match premiere.

Out cold. Slept? Out cold. Are you serious? The movie started, his head tipped back and next thing I saw his mouth open up like the fat dude in seven. Remember when they found the fat dude? His mouth opened up. It was like that and he fucking slept around the whole movie when the movie got up. He was tip-top, McGoo.

He was shaking hands and taking pictures like he enjoyed the fucking movie. Shut up. And listen, who wants to sit and watch? That's the whole thing. I don't want to see. Go to a premiere. Listen, if Burke Kreishe says to me, I'm in a fucking De Niro movie, I'm in a Stallone movie, I'm in a Jason Strand movie, my wife can't go. Will you go with me?

I would go with you because I know what you're going to go through. Yeah. And I could calm you down while you're there a little bit. I know exactly what to do. I get up. I get up. I act like Lee acted at that fucking gas station. You said you acted weird with Paula.

Like, here I am sitting at the premiere The Longest Yard. And next to me is Cameron Crow. The guy from Gladiator? No. Yeah, that's Russell Crow. Russell Crow is what Damon is, okay? And I'm sitting behind the producers of the longest yard.

This is how retarded I am. I'm sitting in. I'm sitting there like this. And also Terry goes, look to you. you left. And I looked at my left, and it's Russell Crow, and I go, holy shit. But the last day, he had just shot Cinderella, man.

Oh, yeah? Cinderella Man is about a movie, about a guy in my neighborhood. That was we all grew up. We used to shovel his fucking dry when he gave us dollars in the winter, whatever that guy's name was, and he had the jacket on. That said Cinderella, man, North Bergen, New Jersey

and something else. And I look over him, go, hey, man, that movie you did about whatever the fucking guy's name is? Iceman. No. No? The one about the fucking boxer. The one about the boxer. Fucking Roy or... Henry Hudson Park.

No. What the fuck is it? What was it, Lee? What's the... What's the shirt? Cinderella man? Type in Cinderella. Yeah.

Type in the name of Hudson. Hudson... What the fuck is it now? Jesus Christ. I'm getting old. Not Cinderella. There you go. That's it.

No. Yeah, Cinderella, man. What's the name of the fucking star of the movie? What's the girl? James Brabson. J. Braddock. Braddick. Braddock Park is a park in my hometown in North Bergen because he lived by that.

So when I saw the jacket, I go, hey man, that fucking movie you did, that's going to be the movie of the year. And the producers of my movie is sitting in front of me. And they all turn around like, what the fuck did you just say? Yeah. And I was like, dog, it's about a guy from where I grew up. I grew up with all his grandkids. I'm not kidding you. They were two of them were cops.

They all lived there afterwards. Who gives a fuck? That's what the thing. Okay, that's the difference between you. I don't know if you have social. anxiety as much as you don't fuck around with idiots. Well, no, that's how I take care. Like, you're real.

That's how I take care of my anxiety. Yeah. By acting completely out of the box, everybody knows I would never say two words that fucking Russell Crow or anybody else. That's that. Yeah. I would sit there and watch the movie. If he said something to me, then I'd say something to him.

But I would never tap him on the shoulder and go, I love Gladiator. Can I take a picture? I wouldn't do that to the poor guy. The guy's trying to sit there and enjoy a fucking movie. Yeah. But that's what I said to him. And I remember I did that so I wouldn't get that anxiety. But the thing that broke me out of that was one night

I just happened to turn Letterman on. And Fuckhole was on there. Who? The guy who thinks he's 20, but he's really 90. Doug Stanhope hangs out with him. Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp is on there. He's talking about that.

Leatherman's like, so this movie you just did, how does it look? Yeah, another bracelets and eye makeup. You're fucking 55, though. Leave it along. You're not kidding nobody. I love that. He just said fucko, and we tried to guess it. Yeah, he shows up at fucking, he shows up at Malin' Banan's bands with bracelets on and Tisha.

But you know what, bro, he's not a bad guitarist. I got to give you that much. Johnny Depp is across the board a fucking great actor. Oh, no, he's tremendous. Yeah, he's an amazing actor. Did I fucking say it was a bad actor? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fucko, you started calling him fucko. Fucko. Well, I don't know. I'm the guy, but he's a nice guy.

You know, fucko. He'd understand. It's a game Joey has, just figuring out what... That should be a game show. Joey describes celebrities and you go, ah, fuck-oh. He's 20, but he's really 50. It's what we talking about?

I don't know. Oh, you saw him on Letterman. I saw him on Letterman. He was talking about... Leatherman said, when you shoot your fucking movies, do you watch him? And he goes, I don't watch dick. And Leatherman goes, what are you talking about?

You don't want Dailies? He goes, listen, I don't watch Dillies. And let him and goes, but you're, what's his name? Johnny Depp. And he goes, listen, I don't want to see me and I don't want to hear my fucking voice. He didn't say fucking, but he meant to like. And right there, I gained confidence because that's what I have. Yeah.

So does I hear my voice, I got to go. Oh, dude. A minute. A minute and a half. Not even, not even. One minute. There's all I need to do is hear your voice, especially when somebody else is in the room. that's even more embarrassing

when somebody else is in the fucking room so he said it he goes I don't watch nothing because it tears me apart he goes I shoot it and I go home yeah so I knew there wasn't something wrong with me I knew that somebody else suffered from this shit

I just don't like it I went to premieres and they were fun but they were for shit I shot which really puts a little fucking pressure on you know what I'm saying and then like for Spider-Man two, they were asking me to do other, like, things. And I said, no, I couldn't.

I couldn't end. I had one fucking scene in the movie. What am I going to go make believe? Like, I'm the star of the fucking movie for. Yeah. So I went to the casting crew, and then I went to the regular premiere. But they were like, do you want to go to the New York premiere or whatever? Because Oprah liked that scene.

Yeah. And I was like, no, fuck, no. I'm too embarrassed to fucking do that shit. So I didn't go to that one. I went to Grudge Match because it was De Niro. I had to go out of respect for him. Yeah. Fuck Stallone.

Fuck everyone else. I had to go for him. And I went to the longest yard. And that was just embarrassing. Why? Because I was 400 pounds. I couldn't fit in a tuxedo, so I had to wear a warm-up suit given to me my big daddy.

You know, the whole night I was there, I wanted to snort, but I couldn't and everything was there. Like, everything was there. Free booze, champagne, pills, narcotics, steroids. I could have done whatever I wanted to. So why didn't you? Because I didn't want to show Adam that he put me in this. fucking movie you know I didn't want him to even see a dab of me under the

fucking influence and there'd be other people there and they were wait for me to do that you know what I'm saying yeah they knew they were suspect that I was a junkie but they had never seen it with their own eyes this is what they're expecting this is your channel everybody's going they going on I want to what the fuck's if he's gonna be doing blow tonight so I can't do blow I would always keep him tricked and then there would somebody would say so he's a junkie well he was at the per me wasn't even drinking and he seemed okay and me you know what I'm saying so it's when they expect you and you don't get fucking high that

that's the whole trick of it so I wouldn't get high you don't want them to have the ammunition to say no you should have seen him on the biggest night of his life he was fucking hammered fucking hammond but just not hammered with your jaw going from side to side you're 400 pounds you're sweating profusiously people know people fucking do know I mean yeah I didn't if you would have told me this 10 years ago I would have said nobody fucking knows I get away with it no everybody knows your skin color changes I see people now and I know

it's doing blow really oh yeah I've got shows now now I see them and I know they're doing blow by two ways their actions and the color of their skin because I recognize it from the color of my fucking skin with Tony Bennett cock sucker

oh what time is it it's late it's late but early do you put this in the I like this To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart It's clogged up

I gotta fucking take it home and boil it Fucking cat's blood or some shit Twice as smart As I A somebody Who Will swear to be true As you used to do with me

me how you doing bert who'll leave you to learn doing good that misery loves company how are you feeling I'm pretty good it's not

I'm not I'm not going crazy which I thought I'd be going fucking fucking noise again and I heard him I didn't know what was going on I saw you at the very beginning of this and you when Joey said something

you closed your eyes and I was watching you try to rock the inside of your eyelids. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, there's been a couple of moments where I've been a little out of it. Now, when do you shoot your special?

I shot it. When? I already shot it. When? Like, uh, two months ago? Oh, okay. That's what you were saying.

And you're starting a new material for you. New material for the new hour, but I'm going to be honest with it. It's going slow. Oh, it always does. If you only go out one night a week. Yeah. If you go out six nights a week,

you'll get 10 minutes a fucking week. That's what I was figured out myself. Really? I wanted to go to the conference. We have a store two nights a week. When you walk in there, you've got to follow Dave Chappelle or Rogan. Yeah. What are you going to do?

You're going to try your story about Isla? At 11 o'clock at night, you don't have the heart to. No. So you catch yourself doing the same fucking material. Yeah. You don't want to look like an asshole. So what I did was cut out the store one night or two. And now I go to different haunts.

Like, we go to Tuesday nights and the black horse, whatever the fuck is called. And you do 30 minutes, 20 minutes. It's something different. I don't have to feel like fucking... You told... CAA's in the fucking room or whatever. I don't need that aggravation. you told a joke the other night

I don't even know if it was you meant to tell it but I had written a joke similar to it on Saturday but my joke was so much weaker than your joke and as soon as I heard it come out of your mouth I was like fuck I was like son of a bitch man I need to get on stage more because you just rift it I don't even know if you

even remember it but as soon as I heard it I went motherfucker I got a fucking I got a fucking hustle I want to start doing the ha ha more again too if I tell you something yeah

the ha ha's where I got the best yeah you tell how you want to close the shows on the weekends yeah tell how I'll close both fucking shows basically but more importantly

I'll close the late show let me do two spots somewhere else I like the I like the ha ha ha energy yeah if you go and I like the ha ha on Wednesday nights

it's a great place it's a great place that's Jack Jr's night that's Jack Jr's night that's Jack you right now I'm about listen I'm to the point in my life that I can't do something for six weeks.

Like right now, if somebody came to me and said, Joey, we have a sitcom, it's only be 11 weeks. Okay, 11 episodes. How many episodes am I doing eight? Can I do five? Like, you follow me up to that point? Because I know you get to an age and you know. They come to you with all this shit and money and you're like, you know,

let me tell you something. Listen, I appreciate this and I appreciate that. I appreciate this, but I can't cover that spread. Yeah. If I had to do the whole outball tour, that's tough. Yeah. That's tough. Waking up and fucking West Palm and I got to take a plane to Tampa,

then waking up again and taking an eight-hour car ride. That's tough for three or four weeks in a row. You earn your fucking Guitous. I was dreading that shit. You know why? Because I can't do that number. I can't do that number. I can basically go into a comedy club Thursday through Sunday morning.

You got five good shows on me. If I go on the road for three weeks in a row, I feel bad, though. third week because they've become a robot. I really don't want to do it. Yeah. I really don't want to do it. I do it because they trick me. They switch the week.

They'll give you an extra $500, you know, and you're like against yourself and when you're there, you're burnt out. Yeah. I could do two on, two off all day long. I can do, I can do three, I can do three in a row. I can do three in a row. Two on one off is great. Two on one off?

No. I can do two on one off. I can do two on, two off right now at this point in my life. Two on one off is fucking tough. I'm doing three in like right when, what's, what is it, September? What are we in August, September? October, in October, I start back up again. Like, I'm off.

I do one date, I think, in the very beginning of September, September 9th, 10th, 11th. I'm in Toledo. And then I'm off until, and then I go on Cowheads Cruise for a week. And then I start up hard in October. I do three on, one off. I can't believe you already have New Year's? Yeah.

Jesus, you're a bad motherfucker. No, no. You know what it is? I don't know. I'll tell you off air. It's not, I'll tell you off. So you do have New Year's. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, but I don't have it at New Year's. Nobody's even offered me a fucking New Year's. Really? But you know what, man? If you come to me with New Year's, I'll tell you again, I think I'll turn it down anyway. And I think my agent already put that buzz. I told them the truth. I want the Ice House.

Yeah. The back room. one eight o'clock they i got offered new years originally what real early but it was just a conversation with you know with uh grossman and uh he just talking about it he's like hey you want to do new years we're we're in the same room together and i was like yeah and the only reason it took off is that he he offered me i thought pretty solid money but someone said they'd get me more money and they were like let's see if we can get you more money i told grossman i said i'm going to see if i can get more money and he was like that's fine and i got more money but it was like it was a lot i mean it was like

I want to say it was like two months ago that I got New Year's. But it was all based on Grossman. Mark Grossman just saying, hey, do you want to do New Year's? And like, I think it's a, in Philly. So, but you know, I'm a good New Year's acts. I drink. So I think some clubs are like, let's grab him for New Year's now real early at a low price before he's got a New Year's booked.

So. It's really crazy how when you drink on stage or beer sales or alcohol sales like 50% more. Through the fuck. And it kills me that I'll do a shot or two from time to time, but I can't put them down like you know more. Oh, I put them down. You go to Texas and you start toasting them, they'll do one for one. I'm doing, dude, I just got, I just started working in Texas again.

I'll do it next year. San Antonio? I've never done it before a year. There's on San Antonio? 17 years ago. L-O-L? This was a different one. This was the river, the center, the mall.

Yeah, I'm doing San Antonio for the first time. And I'm excited too, because, you know, our podcast numbers are big in Texas. Like, well, I imagine we probably have the same podcast demographics. Like, Ohio's big. You don't go to Houston or Dallas? Never. I used to go to Dallas a bunch, and I got one complaint, and they stopped bringing me in. Not, I take that back.

That's, that's inaccurate. I did get a complaint, and I don't think I did it the next year, but they've given me offers, and I've canceled on them. So, you know, and my guy, Texas was Trey. But then he, I think he got fired for some. He got fired. But that was the guy I love Trey. I thought he was great. And then in Houston, I used to do laugh stop.

But Pete. Pete Pirelli. You remember him? Yeah, he just texted me the other day. He's got a new wife. Pete was one of the best comedy club owners I ever worked for. Dude. Towards the end of my cocaine rain.

He was. He had the best club in the world. And Pete, and the guy. who had it before him, it was also a big drug alcohol club. When you went to Houston for five days, oh my God. Yeah. You were going to come back fucking see if you could see Joey Dia's cold case from 2000. If somebody put it up online, I want to show you what I'd look like after being in Houston for two weeks.

Dude, between the sugar and the Yeagermeister, the fucking two eggs with French fries and toast at the Greek place. Yeah. And the fucking, the calacches and the fucking this and that and this and that. Listen, it's a goddamn shame. It's a fucking shame. That club, that was probably, I did more drugs at that fucking club than any club ever. And then Pete Pirelli took it over. And Pete used to let me stay at his partner's house.

They said, you could stay at the hotel. They got to come get you. Or. You can stay in the condos where he, with his wife and his parent. Across. I used to stay across the whole way. He was a big video gamer.

Oh, my God. And they'd skate. They'd fucking see me the next day and go, did you, or did you call a pizza last night in the middle of the night? And I go, no, why? And they go, oh, we heard cars. That's my drug dealer. I would never tell them, you know?

You had run it. Watch how big I was. This is 2,000? This is two weeks. Straight. Got a license. Two weeks after fucking. being in Houston.

This is what I would look like. Swollen from the salt. This 2000? 2002. 2003, maybe. You'll see if you can find this cab driver. We'll go visit ADA Kite and find out about that search warrant

for Mr. Ridley's backside. I'll never forget that morning and my girl from at the time picking me up going, Joey, you gained like 20 pounds. Go take the first hack in line You're the heck we want, Ken

Do his favor I'm stepping out of there I was like Rafi Oh my shit You remember Benny the nose Ken Oh Joey Of the bell Yeah

Oh yeah Yeah turns out He was murdered Before the fire broke out Look at the sides of my stomach Ain't it Look at my neck What's it got to do with me

We heard you didn't like him Got a crime He was up for him Because he was a joke Joey Because he was a drag I was a long fucking time ago My friend

You're right Relax isn't a drug bust Look at the size of my stomach I had no chest I couldn't breathe I didn't buy a merchandise from Mr. Chaney Except you used more than you sold

Ended up on Cheney a lot of money I heard you had a real love God damn Joe you don't even look And you don't Are you want to turn this off now Lee? Enough when fucking watch this I'm embarrassed enough That's me after two weeks in Houston

Texas Wow What does it make you feel like when you see that? I hate looking a picture of myself. I was a complete different person, man. I was running with fucking D-V-in. When I shot this, this is 2003. 2000.

Around the time, scared tactics was so. Yeah, yeah. How fucking scary. That's right. You used to work down there. I used to love that club. That was the first place that headline me. Me too.

Me too. That's a first place. But I got Lee, I want to say, I want to say, I mean, he, I brought, I came in, Dane Koch was supposed to do a date and he backed out for the last minute. And they plugged me in and I went in and I did. I had a good time, but I drank a lot. And I remember Pete saying, your numbers weren't good, but my bar sales were the same. Like, so he's like, I'll have you back. And then he said, you just had a baby.

This was 2004. He's like, I'll bring you in. I'll bring you in for Thanksgiving. I'll pay you three grand. Which, by the way, for people not knowing anything about comedy, if you, for your second time headlining to make three grand is ridiculous. Ridiculous. And he said, I'll put you up.

You can bring the baby down. It was Thanksgiving, George's first Thanksgiving. We stayed in a hotel room and we got Thanksgiving delivered to our room for free. It was part of the package. And dude, we ate 30. three Thanksgiving meals that day. It was one of my favorite weekends on the road ever. I walked away with three grand and I was like, we're fucking rich.

But yeah, Pete was good to me. He was really good to me. Really good to me. And we drank hard. I still talked to Pete. I texted him another day. I talked to Pete once a month out of respect. Pete's wife used to work with Pepsi.

So she got tickets. They got divorced. They got divorced. This is how close I was with Pete and his ex-wife. They got divorced and she called me the one time. Pete bought me in and picked me up with her. friend and took me to dinner by themselves to tell me that they were getting divorced. And I was like, oh, fuck.

She was like, listen, I still want to be friends with you. I bought Georgia some presents. And I gave me presents for Georgia. And I went. And Pete was like, it's all cool. I heard you guys went to dinner. Like, you know, just, you know. But man, that was really fun.

And I was just, I'm working with Bob Biggerstaff, Jerry Rocha. First time I worked with Jerry Rocha was one of those. I talked to his wife the first time to take him a picture of her. ass with a thong on at the Houston lap stop. I tormented Pete's wife so much. I kept saying, listen, though, I got to take a picture of your ass. And finally, she turned around and started taking them off. My face got pale because now Pete would know.

Yeah. And Pete knew what he didn't say nothing. He just giggled about it because she's got a great ass, doesn't she? I remember I work with Kathy Griffin one time there. And so, like, I was headlining, she must come in on a Wednesday. Pete's like come in Wednesday Feature for Kathy and then you do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I was like, okay.

So I come with Kathy is sold out. Sold out. And it's all gay dudes. It's not a woman in the room. It's all gay dudes. I was very young in comedy. And I just, I don't know, you get like, you're like, I'll go up. I'll do like a gay joke or I'll like, I'll break the ice.

I just walked up on stage and I was like, what's up faggots? and it went and Kathy like pulled me aside she's like why would you say that and I was like I don't know I was trying to say something cooler

like I was trying to let them know that I was cool but I wasn't gonna take shit and she just and she was like listen next show because we had two shows on a Wednesday

she was like next show just come up and be nice to them I worked with Kevin Sessa was her feature act and I went up and I was like well first of all the gay people from that neighbor

are from Montrose yeah and they were very I used to go to all the restaurants and Montrose. Best food and fucking, they have a restaurant called Maxills, Maxibles, something like that. And they had the best fucking moat meatloaf.

And while I was eating, I'm like, these gay guys are coming in this meatloaf. But I don't give it the fuck. It's that good. This HIV meatloaf is banging. But I don't give a fuck, Jack. So I, uh, I, uh,

I would do well in front of the Montrose crowd. in front of the gay audience and you know I would just talk dirty and fucking be crazy and talk about Coke and eat ecstasy and they took the ride but that neighborhood there's a strong gay neighbor really strong yeah really

fucking strong they come out and they smoke dope and they fucking do everything so yeah and you know what I remember one time I didn't get into somebody you know like when you get with a heckle you heckled and I called and I said what did you drive here in and he goes you know folks like I go

You were for the fags and the vows. I can think out of somebody sucks somebody's dick. And I had them and I ran with it. But they are already like me. You know what I'm saying? I used to make, man, I did my first album, which is horrible. If you listen to it, it's called Bert, Bert, Bert, download. It is horrible.

It's not bad, but you can hear how young I am. You taped in Houston. In Houston, that was the home for CDs back then. They'd give you, they record all your shows. All your shows. And it was really good recording because I think Babbitt had stuck it up, set it up for Hedberg. And so all Hedberg's albums were recorded there. And so I did my album out of there.

I edited it myself. I think I master it for me. But yeah, that fucking, it's crazy, you know, it's crazy to think where, like, that was back when like someone was like, you could have a CD and that you would go, like, how could I have a CD? Like, I don't have, no one signed me to a deal to have a CD. now you look at you're like I'll just record my shows and release it as a CD like now it's so simple like I we did that uh I get out of I I mean not to get to metaphid but like this whole thing you're talking about like Johnny Depp not watching him I shot something the other night

just a fucking gag I thought it would be funny uh I posted it and it got like fucking 600,000 downloads on Facebook book and like and then fucking 600 retweets on or 400 retweets or 600 retweets on Twitter and now my agents email me and they're like do more

of this shit. You're like I was just fucking around technology's changed so much you can have a bullshit idea shoot it as a joke put it up I don't care if it gets 3,000 views that just means no one saw it so I'm not embarrassed I fucking put it up and then all of a sudden

it goes I mean not viral but like viral for me and then all of a sudden it's all over the map and then your agents are like do more of it do more of that shit it's i just think this business has changed so fucking much and then you over think it then that thing goes big and you over you go i got to shoot another one and you overthink it and you're like fuck then you're in your head you're like i don't know how to do it but those videos that they're great to shoot damon and i shot 200 of them it's just that uh you need if you're going to put them out they need to be heat you know they need to be heat and some people do well with them and then they start releasing them too much too much too yeah and then it dies it needs to be

yeah that's the hard part like i don't know what to do like what happened was there was the speedo the ryan lockty thing went down and my buddy josh temple is on uh hcdb and DIY now he knows i fuck around it's i wear speedos all the time and he goes hey bird i don't know if you've heard but there's a hole in their roster. I have these like two videos that are really funny with drone shots that I just shot fucking around for trip flip. And so I post it. One of the videos and it gets

like good. I get like maybe like 400 retweets. I was like that's a lot. For me, that's a lot. And then I know I have another one so I post another one. And then I was like, oh shoot this this fucking offer to Speedo. I just shot it like probably did four takes. I used one of the takes beginning to end.

post it and then that's when it blew up and then you start overthinking it once you overthink it you're fucked you just like you're like yeah fuck it I guess I'm done with this project like why why fucking why overthink it make it bad let's end on a high note you know and then my wife's like like she's like get joey like the whole premises on pitching speedo to be their new spokesperson like because they lost Ryan lockty and I was like I'll fill that hole and I was like I can't swim I'm not that good looking at speedo but I'll wear does 24 hours a day as long as I'm under contract. And I was like, my agent's Max Doublefield,

call me UTA. And then Leanne goes, what you got to do is you got to do one where Joey is your agent, Max Doublefield, and he just does it, it fucking blows. I was like, listen, cock suckers, you sign this motherfucker. Like does a Joey rant, and you just stand there in a Speedo in your hero pose.

And Joey's just like the puff daddy like, this motherfucker, look at him, look at his stomach, like just a rant. And I was like, yeah, but then you start going like, yeah, but then I don't know. What if we tank? Yeah, right?

We look like two fucking idiots. We might as well get a fucking jersey and go to a game. Right. If the team loses, we gotta get over the train. Like, you just go, and drive home on the train

with that loser shirt on this shit. Why not just do a podcast? What we like doing? Yeah, no, no, no, no. It's... Lee, pull up, can you pull up my Speedo offer?

Oh, yeah. I saw it. I saw it the other day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't think you were talking about it first. And you said that. I thought you had shot something with the girls. No, no, no, no, no.

this is don't pull you don't need to pull up okay let me give some fucking shout out to you are we wrapping this up a couple minutes couple you can drink another one open that motherfucker up lee's ready to drink lee how's those chocolate mushroom treating you what do you think dog talk to me they're pretty good i mean you want a bite absolutely let's do it let's go see the devil why not you're just tired let's finish this motherfucker once and for fucking it's sunday night it's so floggy I got to mix it with the edible league.

That's the only way it's good for me. That's how I ate it. That thing tastes like fucking... The mushroom chocolate tastes a little funky. I just swallowed it with water. It didn't taste good. It didn't taste good. I just swallowed it with water.

Fuck, yeah. But it's got some kick to it. It's got some fucking kick to it. I don't know what the fuck Bert's talking about. But it's got some kick to it before I was looking at you, Bert. And you were starting to look like your father. I'm like, holy shit. But I see you over there making fun.

any noises and sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I've been sweating a lot. I just started drinking again. How long were you so before? Oh, not long. Like three weeks. Your buddy going to the shock. Yeah, kind of. My body was like, I think it was just like, hey, are we going to party, man?

Like, we don't, we have nothing to look forward to? Let's fucking get down. So did you get like that? Because I always, I survived. I get a look at on like fast food. I'm sweating up. You don't even want to touch it, do you? Not really. you eating that whole thing?

Yeah, I'm going to eat the whole thing. But so like, it always used to surprise me when people would be like, oh, I went to McDonald's and I feel like shit. I would go there once a day. Oh, no, no, I'm the exact opposite. So, oh, so alcohol does make you feel like shit? No, not at all. Like when I, when I, then I was, I was, I told you, I did a podcast with Christina Pugnski

and I talked about it. So it's not like I'm telling a secret, but I don't want to tell it more than I have to. But like what happened is I kind of quit drinking and I felt I felt healthy but I just wasn't like cheery. I didn't like I was just like I don't know I got home and I was like time to go to bed everybody and then we go to bed at 8 and I wake up at 6 I'd be like okay I'm up coffee and like it just didn't turn a corner what you laughing at? He's laughing at me because he's watching me stroke they're going to take this

contually eat it with this mint chocolate it goes down a lot of easy I did it one shot you go do you do everything in one shot though because it's less painful you put you put too much pain you get all psych off for it lee go lee lee lee i'm telling you you should eat it with a piece of fucking see it tastes like you're eating it like a teradactal yep it doesn't taste good it doesn't taste good just let it melt in your mouth all over your tongue have some of that chocolate with it i'm telling you lee this is the way to do it That's pretty. That is a picture of why kids shouldn't do drugs.

Hey, if you're under 18, get off for YouTube right now. Oh, my God. I still got to go to the comedy store. I think I feel. What are you doing? Is it stuck on your tooth? Yeah. I don't want, and it has mushrooms in it.

They feel like garbage anyway, so I don't want to, like, close my mouth and get mushrooms. I have to, like, get it out of my teeth. Oh, yeah. Leave you all the funniest man. I know, truly. They have to give you your own show on fucking serious soon. Ethan Buzzard, Matthew Oliverus, John Cutler, my main man, Lorinda Lilly, Robert Sassau, Crystal Jordan, Crystal Oaks, you sexy savage,

and Oogie, spooky down there in Austin. We're like fucking 18 days away from Austin, and we're like 24 days away from New York City. But I'll see you, Cocksuckers Wednesday night at the Ice House. be there or B square 830 What else is going on with you? Sorry about that I got a little emotional That mushroom made me take off there for a minute I love this shit

That was great That's a little piece of mushroom I got nice and giggly before Mushrooms are wait like honestly If you are a person who doesn't like edibles Mushrooms obviously I haven't taken like a huge dose So I don't really I can't speak from that But if you're gonna take a little mushroom

Or a little edible Take mushrooms. It's lighter It is lighter. The edibles, I think, are more like, I feel them in my tits and asshole. Like, mushrooms are more like, hey, oh, they're shadow people. Yeah. You know? Like, I never thought.

I always enjoyed it. I don't like mushrooms at night. I'd rather mushrooms during the day. But, yeah, I don't know. You and I can't do mushrooms at night because we've got the kids walking around. I can do it. I can't do that shit at all with Mercy around. I can catch the tail end of a pot cookie.

And Mercy's going to bed. or something like that I get anxiety when she jumps on me or something but besides that I could never do anything like that around I would have a heart attack oh I can't do I would have a heart attack she's I'm gonna have to stop smoking soon or figure something different out really now that I have the back room I could stash it I'm thinking I get in the safe so she can't get the gummies she can't get nothing stash it and I'm trying to figure out she knows I'm going outside to smoke you she knows she looks at she doesn't know what it is no But she looks at my hand when I walk back in all the time.

And she does in a D.S manner. So I know the look. You know what I'm saying? You know the look. She could be watching TV up close. As soon as I come in, she'll just go like that and look at my hand and look at me and look back at the TV. She doesn't say nothing. But she don't need.

A wink is as good as a nut to a blind voice. You understand me? I know because I knew. Yeah. That's how I, when I used to go to my mother's bar, that's how it starts. Mom, why do three guys? that one time going to the bathroom. And then she would tell them the next day, guys, be careful around them.

Because he's a little cop. He's a little cop. I would go back to my mom and go, Mom, I was talking to Helio, and he had rings around his nose. And my mom would go, no, he was probably, he had a booger or something. The next day I would hear my mom, hey, tell Elio not to fucking do blow in front of Coco. Because he watches, he's like a little fucking cop. Oh, in those days, I used to be a torture. I didn't like my number one I liked as a kid not to smoke but I liked it because my favorite person in the world that was his only vice and he had such a nobody had a better time smoking pot than the guy who baptized me in the church

Nobody I've never seen anything like that if I had a videotape of him rolling smoking it and then his attitude 10 minutes later Everybody would smoke pot I never saw anything like that he's the main reason that I thought in my head it was okay to smoke pot because he wasn't a boozer he sold drugs i think i was too young but right after my dad died he picked me up every saturday and take me to the movies on amusement park he was a real godfather i mean he was committed to it yeah and then he would go on these little prison things and my mom would tell me he's in california and miami and they would get out and they would start the same relationship again for two or three years but when i was about five or six he would take me in all those james bond's movies

Her Majesty Secret Service. Really? Fucking Mr. Fuji died. Yeah, I saw that. Did you see that? Mr. Fuji died. That was one of the baddest scenes I've ever seen when he was throwing a hat. Wait, pull up Mr. Fuji.

Mr. Fuji. That's one of the greatest scenes. And then they gave him a cough. They gave him a, when I was a child, they gave him a Formula 44 commercial. And he'd be coughed and he'd break up the whole house, karate chop it. And then they would stop it by giving him Formula 44. Really? Yeah, well, Formula 44.

I remember that. Come on now. Who the fuck you think? Put in Mr. Fuji Formula 44. I'm coming out, you motherfucker's heavy duty. If you don't know what Formula 44 is. Oh, I thought you were talking about James Bond, Mr. Fuji. Yeah, same Mr. Fucking Fuji. No.

Yes. Those are different Mr. Fujis. No. There was a Fuji that was a wrestler. Then there was the Japanese Fuji that threw the fucking hat around. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, same dude. This guy got a commercial years later.

He got so much notoriety from... Go to Mr. Fuji. What are you doing? Oh, yeah. Mr. Fuji for you. I don't think they had the commercial. How fucked up are? You have a hyphen in there. You have like a tilde. Oh, sorry. No, it's a comma. I just put the common in one.

There you go. Put a hyphen in now. Mr. Fui? Mr. Foogee. I don't think they have that commercial. No. No. Yeah, there's a scene. Show me that. Show me something of Mr. Fugge. Mr. Fuji, James Bond. Go finger.

Yeah. That's it. Go finger. Why are you putting a comma in there? Because that's how you do it? No, you don't. Okay. But start from scratch. Give everything a capital.

You see that, Mr. Give that a capital over there. You go to college for four fucking years. You too. All right, Mr. Fuji gets a capital F2. Fuji gets a capital. His whole family went through Nakasaki and you don't want to give him the respect he fucking dessert.

Okay? Now, erase James Bond, all right? Just put Mr. Fuji gold finger. Try that. Can we fucking do that? that. No, no, no. No, you do. Give me a space.

Mr. Fuji, gold finger with a fucking capital G-cock sucker. It's a movie. It requests respect. I'm telling you, it's two different Mr. Fuji's. I'm telling you, this has to be the fucking one. Lee, how long did we click this fucking thing?

It's done. It's not the same person. Go to all. You motherfucker is a confusing. I get all fuck with up. This is who you're thinking of. Odd job.

Sorry, not that. Look at this shit. Oh, yeah, you're right. It's not Mr. Fuji. It's odd job. Oh, then fuck him. What do I care about this fucking guy? That is two different Asian guys.

Yeah, no, I don't know anything about this fucking guy. I'm talking about the Japanese guys. Wait, because like an odd job fight, though. I'm kind of interested in the fight. I don't want to see odd job fight. I want to see do nothing. Look at this shit. You know what he throws his hat.

Yeah, he's a little chubby Asian dude. He was the best in, in 007. You know what we got to do, Bert Kreis. What's that? We got to open up a business. I got an idea for you. Let's do it. You know what it is?

What? Bartender in school. Barber Krasher's bartending school? How many fucking people went to bars? I did. I did. 50%. Really?

I didn't go because it was my dream. I got a job and they said, do you know how to bartending? I said, yeah. And they go, well, do you know how to make a fucking martini drawing? I go, not really. And they go, all right, listen, we're going to pay. Go there for two weeks from 6 to 9. Once they certify you, we can put you in bank

and see you can make 18 bucks in that. 1984. 18 bucks now plus a fucking banquet tip of four hours. It wasn't bad. So they paid the fucking two bills. I went to bartending school. And that's so funny.

Every time I go to that 7-Eleven, there's a bartending school right next to it. Really? Yeah, right there on, not the highest one. On Burbank. On Burbank Boulevard. You say Burbank?

Burbank and, what was it? Colfax. No, but I went, this is how much of a nerd I was. Me and my best friend from high school went as like the freshman in the year, like, summer of college,

when most kids are going on, like, spring break, we went to bartending school. Just, no, none of it. You went to the cocktail. Did you want to meet girls? No, no, we, I thought we were, like, I was already a server, so I thought I was going to become a bartender. But then they don't hire bartenders just straight out. You need to, like, work your way up.

So it was worthless going to the school. So, yeah, no, and they didn't even have real alcohol. They had, like, colored water. It was terrible. Like, that's what I did for a week or two weeks. I did it for two weeks, and it was pretty legit. They had booze there, and three nights of the week, people came in there for cheap drinks. That's when you know you're an alky.

Yeah. When you go to a bartender school, to get dollars. Oh, shut up, Joe. Yes. This was a bad. You can go get drunk at bartending school? I'd barter into school and drink the mistakes and shit. Oh.

Fucking hilarious. And I'll never forget. I start, not the three nights. You're like, this is pretty much a joke. Like, you know, they start from scratch. This is how you wash a glass. This is how you put ice cubes in the, the glass, the temperature on the water.

I already knew all those things from my mother's bar. I just wanted to learn how to make those high-end, rusty nails. That's what they wanted. So I sat it out until that, and I put up with the bullshit. But there was one dude who went in there, and right from the jump, he thought he was cocktail. But this was

way before the fucking movie cocktail came out, and he was a black dude. Excuse me, with an afro. I'll never forget this. I don't know what his name was. I'm sorry. And he was throwing the bottles, and they told you before class. time you broke a bottle, it was 15 bucks. And fucking this guy.

So what they would do is, from six to nine, you would go in there, and people, creepy people would go in there and drink at this bartending school. How great is that? Oh, my God. They were creepy as fuck. And they were drunk already, and they were just getting, like, Alabama slammers for a dollar or Cuba Libreys. Greyhounds for a dollar and shit like that, you know.

But I'll never forget this black dude. one night, I started throwing bottles up, and he had three of them, and all three of them broke. And I'll never forget, I yell, that's $45. And don't look like you're getting your diploma. Because you need to get your diploma on Friday. And it was a violation. If you thought like three violations, he got three violations all at one shot. Shut.

But here's the funny thing. So I went to one of the better ones. I went to one of the better ones. So at this place, the one guarantee they made you was lifetime placement. American Bartending Institute. So I go to San Francisco now. I went to this bartender school, February of 83. By February 85, bartending was out of my system.

I was a full-time criminal. And I'm in San Francisco, and I'm trying to get my life together, but I'm really just looking for a score. And I'm walking down the big street, and what do I see in San Francisco? But American bartending school, let me run upstairs. Run upstairs.

There's two fucking dudes that would look like drug dealers. they're scammers. I'm like, how you doing? My name is Joey Diaz. I went to American Barton School in New York City. They said, I had a lifetime place. And the guy goes, you're absolutely, you're right. Let me call over there.

When did you graduate? I go February, 83. Got picked up the phone. Give me a minute. There was no computers and those guys. I got a guy. Yeah. You had a call, and then you had to check the file, you know.

Yeah. And they checked out back on the phone. Yeah, he graduated. Did great. You know, no complaints. He was placed right of. way, never a complaint. Okay, we'll get you a job.

But they sent me to this Mexican place. It was weird. First, they sent me to an Italian place. And they wanted me to be there at 930. But you know me, dog. I got to go to 840. Yeah. And I walk in there at 840, and they went somewhere and left the safe open in the back.

You know, I'm walking through going, hello, hello. Like Johnny Angel. On your first day in this open safe? On your first day. I opened the door and the fucking two things around, the trays, and there's the bags, deposit bags. I just started putting bags, and there was the change. I put so much change on this that the jacket, I had, I had a suit jacket, was hanging off me like a scarecrow. I get out of there, I get on the bus with my girlfriend at the time.

You don't even go back to, like, the job? No, no, no, no, there's no reason to fill out application. It's like I told, it's like I told Kate Quigley. Once somebody fucks you in the ass, there's no more dinners, you know what I'm saying? once somebody taps that muffler and they ain't taking you out the dinner no more. It's over. From now on you get Subway sandwich,

I have. So I got this fucking job. I didn't get the job. I didn't even leave an application. Like two days later, they called the hotel. At the time, I was staying at the Virginia hotel. They called the hotel and they asked me, Joey, did you go for that interview?

And I go, no. I fell asleep. I'm sorry, guys. And they go, well, somebody showed up and robbed the place. Are you sure? it wasn't you? And I go, no, it wasn't me. And they go, yeah, nobody seen the guy.

He was like a fucking ghost. So I was double-checking. You know, it was fucking crazy. Yeah, like you're going to go, yeah, that was me. Oh, it was hysterical. Yeah. And then they sent me for another job at a Mexican place. And two guys had to interview me.

When the second guy came over and he goes, is that really your name, Jose Diaz? You really from Cuba? Yeah, come away. He asked me 10 questions. you know, he goes, my name is Jose Diaz and I'm from Camelway, Cuba. So we sat there for two hours. He bought me lunch.

Really? We were related in some sort of crazy fucking way. Shut up. Like second cousins, he called Cuba on the spot. Like, he was like, we'll find, we'll get to the bottom of this right now. We looked this little the same. Like, we were cousins or something like that. We're in the same fucking town.

So he got me a job at a place called Rocket, Robbins on Hayd Ashbury He goes, I can't hire you here. If you want to wait a month I'll give you a full-time job. Yeah. I give you a bar back job. I don't want him to be a fucking bar back. So he got me a job at Rock and Robbins on Hayd Ashbury. That's been closed. You don't even know. It was a great little bar over there. Wow. I thought he was a Red Robbins

at first. Fuck no. This place had all Cadillac on the walls. The front ends of Cadillacs. Yeah. And when the DJ would put certain music on, the Cadillac lights. are going on and fucking tourists would go crazy. Long fucking time ago. I was a dormant on Mondays and a bartender Thursday. What states have you lived in? New Jersey.

Aspen, Colorado, Boulder, Colorado, Seattle, Washington, Los Angeles, California. That's it? That's it. About Houston. Never lived there. Went on the road there.

Yeah, I guess I haven't lived that many places. I lived in, I lived there. I guess not. I've lived in Tampa, Tallahassee, New York, L.A. That's it. How you feel, Lee? You're getting spots. Oh, yeah.

I can tell you, you're getting a little spotty and shit. How are you feeling? You're rocking back and forth? I'm good. I can't tell if I'm hot or if I'm really high. You want to put some music on? Absolutely. Like Pink Floyd and rock this motherfucker out, Lisa.

What do you want? You got a nice time this weekend. Yeah, this was a... You got a nice little time. And I could tell that you came back refurbished, looking at your headshade, you're ready to rock this week. It was,

uh, I'm just, we have a good time just being together. It's, uh, I was single for like three or four years, I think, in between college and coming out and,

I had a terrible girlfriend who was just like the worst. And, uh, not everything, like, I'm not going to say everything's perfect. Like nothing, no,

nothing's ever perfect, but, like you and I were talking. This is as perfect as it's going to be as it's going to be. Yeah, this is,

nobody's fucking perfect. Nobody meets on mats.com. No one's perfect. And everybody lasts for fucking that. But that's a, that's a. And you were saying to me like, don't leave early on Thursday.

Oh, and I was like, but you know what, man? How long are it take you? Three and a half hours. Four hours. So yeah.

But you know what? We have fun. Like, what, like I was thinking about it. Like, yeah, I could have done a little bit.

I could have sent a couple emails. But it made her happy. And we had fun listening to music. I don't, it's, uh... Do you say I love you? Oh, yeah, it's been over three years. So that's, uh... Are you going to get her pregnant?

Let's hope not for a while. Why? How old are you? 28. Oh, you're a baby. How old she? She's 26. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, you know, they're going to hold that off. She, uh... I'm trying to talk to him from a living standpoint. Like, I, I do, I did this mental survey. Yeah. You know, we as men, you talk to other guys. You talk not to me, but you talk to the guys you went to high school with and maybe one of them married the cheerleading. You know how it is.

You take a mental fucking survey. And I look at my life and one of the best things I did at 25 was meet the girl that I had Jackie with. But at the same time, it was one of the worst things because looking back, I wasn't ready for a relationship with 25 guys. were you oh no damon i mean looking back 25 and i know you had girlfriends i'm not saying that you at 25

every guy in this room had a girlfriend but think of how it ended think of how it went think of how they pushed your buttons you didn't end up with them because nobody in this room got married at 26 or 27 we all maybe i made a mistake and even shacked up at one for years i want to live like charles bronson i never thought i would have lived with a fucking woman ever like when i was 21

if you would ask me, would I live with a woman? I look at you and go, not in a million fucking years. You know, what's crazy, though, is that now you can see how those women live their lives. You can see them online. And, like, one of the girls is taking planes down to Guatemala to help orphans for her church. She's very, very Christian. I'm like, oh, thank God I didn't end up with that. And then another one is posting, like, like, inspiration.

but weird conservative inspirational female statements. And you're just like, I'm like, fuck, that was the one. Like, and then I look at Leanne and I go, oh, I'm so glad. Yeah. I ended up with that fucking chick. Oh, I'm so fucking glad. That kid, a great listener from the church. I said something on a periscope and he sent some stuff to Lee.

And there was an old girlfriend of mine. And I had just said her name. And it's my ex-wife with the fucking mic. Yeah. And I clicked on the Facebook page, and it was horrific. Oh. I mean, she hasn't changed. I mean, she didn't gain a pound.

She's still a pretty good-looking girl. Yeah. It just fucking hit me like a ton of bricks. I was ever even married to her. When I saw her, it reminded me how much I didn't want to be with it when we got separated. It was just the only reason why I continued talking to it was because of the fucking child. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

So it was just kind of weird. So I know how that hits you. I was with a chick. I was with a chick for five years in college. I thought I was going to marry her. Totally thought I was going to marry her. She ended up fucking my best friend and giving me the clap. And I was fucking heartbroken.

That's a tough one. Oh, dude, you take that one on the chin looking at it coming at you. That's five years of drinking, trying to figure out what the fuck you did. 420. The, yeah. But the fucking When you were a young man That's fucking heavy

I slept with two girls Joey I'd love with two girls That's it Worn protection totally for one of them Just didn't wear protection For the one that I did for five years Because I was like We're in love

That we wouldn't cheat on each other Got the clap And it was fucking brutal I told her During this time I came back from Russia I told her I said I had met the guys from the state

Remember the state the state on MTV Michael Waynes and Michael Liam Black. I wasn't watching TV. And so I met them in Greece. And David Wayne had said to me about being a comic. And I was like, I got the seed in my head. And in Greece, I decided I kind of wanted to be a comic. Then, you know, I come home, I tell her in confidence.

I think I want to be a comedian. This is before I think she told me she had fucked my best friend. I was in her bed for the Miami Florida game and I was like I think I want to be a comic She was like oh honey You're an idiot Like you're not fun

You're not like smart funny Comedians are smart funny You're stupid funny Like you'll never be a comedian And she wanted to be an actress And I remember being like I'll never tell a fucking soul my secrets ever And then I told the Rolling Stone people

I wanted to be a comic And I ended up obviously becoming a comic And I've been doing it for I think Was it 18, 17 years But the interesting thing is she's trying to be off like a Broadway actress. She's been trying to be an actress since she graduated college and she has had no success. Like none. Like just off Broadway shit.

I look back and I think had I not dated the one girl, Kristen, who was the next girl after, that was just kind of oblivious to the way the world worked and just was like, you can do anything you want to do. She still posts inspirational, feminist conservative, feminist posts had I not dated her I don't know if I would have ever had the balls to do it and I had I stuck with that chick I probably would have ended up the same failure she is and you just think about all these little fucking things and like I remember thinking I got her pregnant at one point and thinking oh this is this is what the universe wants and then you're like oh fuck this the universe doesn't want any of this shit the universe and then and then I remember being alone

in New York being like oh the universe wants me to be alone right now the universe wanted me to be stricken of all these female opinions and form my own about life. Those are the best times in the world. I look back, I'm like, I'm so glad for all this shit. Like, you know, not to bring it full circle, but, you know, this tour was going to be a big deal for. I think both of us would be a lot of fun, a little feather in the cap and a little bit of money and a lot of fun.

But then when it went away, I went, I saw it as like the universe going like, Hey, man, you're renovating your house. You should be here with your family and experience this change at the same time they experience it. I have a certain blessing on me. And it's been like that for years. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. Yeah. And if it doesn't happen, something happened that didn't want you to happen.

Leanne's like that. Three years from now, you'll look and go, that's why I didn't get that. Look, the movie fucking bombed anyway. Here I was sick to my stomach over the holidays because I lost the movie. Yeah, because you auditioned December 18th. Then they tell you, they're going to tell you January 8th. And all of a sudden you got to sit through the fucking holidays thinking, did you get it?

What did you say in the audition? What did they say to you? Did they make you a hint? Did they say something? What's up? See, like, that's hard for me. Like, you guys had this tour canceled on you. There's nothing you can do about it.

For me, like, that's like, oh, okay, cool. I feel bad for the people. People tweeted me did not know Atlanta was canceled. Did you know that? Yeah, I got pictures of people with tickets. Tickets and all that shit. So I felt very bad. bad but at the same time i kind of felt relieved guys i kind of felt relieved i'm not going to

lie to you if it's meant to be it's meant to fucking listen let me tell you something i'm going to you city i get on the 405 and a tank the train tips all and i missed the 735 i can't of that week. Yeah. That's a sign telling me you know what? It's blocked. They're going to open it in four hours.

Yeah, you go around and reschedule your flight, whatever. But this is something telling you. You don't need to go. You turn around. I do that with, I do that with when you get to an airport. And they're like, if you rush, you can get it. And I go, no, no, no, what if I don't? Yeah.

Life knows how to throw you different fucking curb balls. And they give you little messages to rot it. Don't give you life gave Lee a fucking message. Saturday night, Friday night. He went down there to jump up and down. He jumped up and down three times. He said, am I fucking retarded? Yeah.

Look at these fucking people with gloves on, and this is not. Listen, I love Black Sabbath. I listen to something from Black Sabbath every day. They're going to be here a month from tonight, tomorrow night. Really? Yeah, they're going to be at the Hollywood Bowl. You and I both know on paper.

It's a great fucking show. We can do some chocolate mushrooms and smoke some dope and really get a good show. guys if you want I can lie to you and tell you I'll meet you at the Hollywood Bowl if you want I can lie to you and tell you I'll meet you the Hollywood Bowl don't count on me I love Black Sabbath whatever the final tour I know they're never going to perform again neither was fucking the monkeys and they always find the way you

know what I'm saying everybody's always going to quit then they don't quit and who feels like an asshole you because you went to the last fucking tour yeah and then you go to the last last last tour then the last last last tour when they're you know it's just So I want to go I mean this is it Yeah, but I can't imagine myself there for two hours Jumping up and down and then Driving out of the Hollywood Bull parking lot down on fucking Highland

And fucking Franklin And trying to get on Coenga before the rest of the fucking mooks Because I wait for that encore And I start walking up fucking hill No what if what if what if an agent called you It was like Joey here's a deal You got your backstage passes it's all your run

do whatever you want back there we got you a box seat up front you go if an agent calls me and says they have backstage passes for Ozzy Osbourne and Black Sabbath

and I can meet them I'm going but I only hang out to 15 minutes you're not going to watch a whole show I would destroy my insides I think really I don't know

why do you put me through these fucking jeopardy question what if they said wouldn't it be nice if they're like a little nice after party good food backstage hang out with the band if somebody who was my friend like

Lee or you or Damon were there I'd feel more comfortable I wouldn't feel like an asshole I just completely let's 20 years ago 30 years ago I wanted to kill myself in a Black Sabbath concert like I was gonna shoot myself in the head of the Nazi Osborne concert a bunch of us were like listen let's just take those fucking had aspirins

remember when people poisoning people in aspirants I love oh yeah yeah yeah Yeah. I love Daziaz, but I like everything Black Sabbath stood for. I was there since fucking, since sabotaged. The first time I saw that album cover, I was like, wait a second, what the fuck is that? And I'm going to bring it home and putting it on and going, oh, my God, I have to smoke pot to understand this. Yeah. Like, I have to get high to figure out what the fuck they're saying.

And that's what made me get high. That is my godfather getting high, cutting up the weed. Then he would smoke it. And then he would giggle for hours. That's the best. Old school. And they throw away the half a joint.

And that's it. He would drive me back to my mothers and he would tell me don't tell you mother about me smoking pot. I don't want it to know. That's the best part

of smoking pot's giggling. And I wouldn't tell my mother. And when my mother smoked pot in front of me, I wouldn't tell him. So I was living like a double fucking agent. Let me give a shout out to the sponsors. We'll get the fuck out of here. We get down the hill here.

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Look at the fanny pack, which is tremendous. I mean, listen, I will guarantee every guy. product there. This part of my deal with you, I'll tell you what I'll do. Go to DSgear.com right now. Look at the great selection of hemp products they have. You see something you like? Go to the box and press in. Joey. Bam, J-O-E-Y and get 5% off your order. I love that Tsusair, all right? So do me a favor. Go to DSGear.com and take a look at that great selection of hemp products. You see something you like. Again, what are they Presley? Joey. Boom. Number two, honor dot com. Badest,

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Toledo, September 9th through 11th. You're beautiful. That's all like I got coming up. I love you motherfuckers. Thank you very much for checking in. Have a great week. Have a great Monday. Get ready for Labor Day. We'll be back Wednesday, you, cock-suckers. I love you. Don't forget, Wednesday night, the I's house. Next Thursday, flappers, the No Expectations Tour. Stay black. show was brought to you by Datsusara.

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