The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #410 - Troy Conrad

Episode Date: September 5, 2016

Troy Conrad, Producer of the Set List show (television and live show) and photographer who, among other projects, shoots his "Hall Series," which is black and white photographs of comedians and performers at The Comedy Store in Los Angeles.  This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines   Recorded live on 09/04/2016.
    

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Start binge doing for free at texture.com slash Joey. Oh shit. When we start with Spanish music, it's going to be fucking dangerous. A little song from Narcos that we've been playing for fucking three years on this thing, only the live version. This is when Chao was so. solo on his own music, but he was starting to finally a label. But who gives a fuck? It's the church of what's happening now, bitch, it's going into you smooth.

September 4th. Kick that leak, kick that leap. Oh shit. Oh shit. Don, don't, down, down. And it is, it's that simple The Rason. Oh, shit.

When we go on to something like that smooth, it's all over for you, motherfuckers. Greetings, happy Labor Day. Uncle Joey Diaz with his main motherfucker Lee Syatt and my main little brother here, Troy Conrad. What's happening, gentlemen? Hey.

How was the weekend? Oh, I had a fun weekend. Watch, fucking... Speaking of a... Like the music on that is great. Just like, do you ever, especially in L.A., whenever, like, I get like a fucked up traffic thing or if someone calls and I get distracted, I'll just end up on like Mexican music or some, some like Southern American music. And it just, like, I'll just find myself listening to it. And I have no idea what they're saying or what's happening.

It doesn't really matter. But it just, it just, and it all sounds similar, but it just spirited. Oh, yeah. You can always, you should feel the music and like your soul. It's a corny saying. No, yeah, it's true. But sometimes if you feel it, it could be any... They don't even know that.

You don't even need to know the fucking words. You don't even need to know the words. You don't know what the fuck he's saying through his music. If you really put that song on over and over and over, then you'll figure out one word, then maybe two. Then you've got to fucking down. Now you're singing the song in a different language. You're better than you.

You get arrested in fucking Albania. You know the song of the hottest singer. Then I got to fucking arrest you. You're a fucking American. You know Albanian music. You know, you ever see Splash with John Candy, one of the greatest movies of old time? How he gets the chick out of the tub is he brings his brother, but they're Swedes. And all of a sudden the guy starts talking to him in Swedish, and John Candy just tells him the Swede line.

And fuck in on the walk in, Tom Hanks asked him, what you say to him? And he goes, I told him, he goes, any fine connoisseur knows that all the best porn is made in Sweden. And I'm fucking dying, right? And he goes, he goes, I said to him, hey, Malik, you know, whatever the fuck. Who's fucking the bro? I don't know exactly the line. I know people are going to get pissed at me because it's a classic movie. He's like, who's just going to fuck her or whatever?

Yeah. And the guy laughs in English. And the Swedish guard laughs. So you never know what you learn from what you're listening to. It could be anything. You know some about the culture. It's the great connector. It's really weird.

If you're a fan of the Beatles, you know that their music changed. for an album when they went to India or they went somewhere and they were playing fucking harps and there's one album, I don't, Revolution, maybe, don't quote me again, that they went over there and took that music and applied it to some of their songs and it worked out perfectly

because if the music's good, it'll all mix in. It'll all mix in, like rap and fucking Erosmith that time. Run DMC. I wasn't a big fan of that, but it did do something. It did do something. and let you know anybody could do it. And it turned, look at what happened 10 years later, 15, 20 years later. A guy by the name of Kid Rock fucking shows up doing that shit.

So it's music could always be fucking merged. Troy Conrad is a buddy of mine that he had to refresh my memory how we met. I was under the impression. I didn't know nothing about comedy or nothing. I thought you were like a producer guy that, and you were one of the producers on, what's his name show. On set list. Oh, you thought I was with a green room with Paul Reven for some reason. I thought you were like one of the producers on Green Room.

And there's a lot of guys that, you know, Eric Abrams. Yeah. I have 10 friends that they just do things in L.A. Yeah. One day you go shoot a movie and there they're on the fucking movie set. One day, and sometimes they're taking pictures. Sometimes they're doing it. It really doesn't matter.

And I kind of appreciate that sometimes. I kind of like that when people do that. Because what you're telling me is that you're making a living bitch. Yeah. You're making a living bitch. You put it together one. way or another. What's the kid from the store? He's like dog shit. Jeremiah Watkins? Jeremy Wachan. He's unbelievable. He's like dog shit. He's everywhere. He's on this show,

that show. Why? Because he put hustle in. You can't get mad at Jeremiah Warkins at all because those are the kids that don't always work in this time. He's got the hustle. Yeah. But so do you. Yeah. Well, look, I like doing, I'm always involved in all kinds of different stuff, right? But I'm just in that weird creative world. But I just like, what's important to me, me is doing stuff that matters instead of making a living at doing something that I hate. And if it's, you know what I mean? Like, I don't do the reality TV thing and all that stuff, because that's, to me, that's not, I can't be happy with that at the end of the day. So if I'm taking pictures, if I'm making a movie, if I'm producing a show, creating a show, that's what I,

that's where I want to be. So it's hard to say what I do because it's fucking a little bit all over the place. But man, I love it. And it's all rooted in the comedy world because that's my world now we always have conversations you're a fan of the pie with Jesus Christ Christi yeah I love the show you left something in here like a piece of chocolate or something Jesus Christ Lee I can't take you nowhere he left a piece of chocolate in the goddamn bung on the inside I had some crazy ideas but I'm sorry crap to leave chocolate in the bung oh my god no I didn't this is the chocolate from the mushroom or somebody's lung or a piece of fucking blue apron I know what the

fuck of this you brought that blue apron me you know I thought you were on that and then you guys like you stay 50 feet away from me like nice guys like you just fucking stay the fuck away from me they're like you know what joey's trouble he's gonna touch me with that t8c finger something's gonna happen I'm gonna crash my car so you always approach me you're always a sweet guy and deep down inside I'm still a crazy New Yorker like I have no idea when people approach me So for like a year, you would come up to me and go, hey, I got this show and I go, what the fuck is he talking about?

Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, and I called you the other day and I tried to explain to you. People come to talk to me at night, like, unless you call me at home and go, hey, we're going to talk fucking business tonight about my show, okay? Yeah. But if you come up to me unexpectedly,

like I look at you, people said to me, that night I went up to you, you looked at me like, because I'm fucking A, I'm coming down off this fucking stage thing, or I'm about to go up. So my head's somewhere completely different Somebody got mad at me one night

I was taking pictures of the guy She came over she goes hey can you talk to me about a show I go hold on I'll go over there The guy took 40 minutes by the time I got over there She was gone next day I got a hate mail on my Facebook I had a big paying gig for you go fuck yourself You're rude What we're gonna tell these people to go fuck themselves

Because you want to talk to me about a gig This is a surprise to me Like it's just crazy sometimes Where my head is at night Plus I'm thinking about my daughter and my wife And we're gonna move and the special and the cats and Lee and that you got all these thoughts

going through your fucking head all. And at the end of the night, it's like, people come up to me like, you wanna get high? No. If you know what I was going through right now, you wouldn't wanna get high either. Because up Laurel Canyon, I'm fucking my head going upward, my head explodes with all the thoughts.

Not to mention about my set. Yeah. I'm thinking about my set. That's the closest I'll remember. Once I get over of cold water, it's over. I'm thinking about where to stop. who's got rolling papers, you know, then I go into whatever, and I'm fine for a little while. Do you ever have those times where somebody's talking to you where you literally have zero seconds to go on stage so you haven't even thought about, like, what you're going to say and you walk on stage because you were just in some conversation?

You ever have that? Sometimes the conversation helps me. I got to be honest with you. Sometimes I like when somebody comes up to me and annoys me. That makes sense. No, I get this. I pray for that. I pray for that. for somebody to come up to me that I know with a stupid question that knows me but he's all fucked up because what happens is people who know me

them too at night they get fucked up like I have a friend that constantly that's a comedian a well-known comedian he only calls me Saturday nights at 930 to say what you're doing how your week is going I'm like listen what the fuck do you think I am

so guess what last night he didn't call me so today I called him I just want to tell you last night was the first Saturday in four weeks you didn't fucking call me. I'll be home for two weeks. He'll never call. He'll call me as soon as they get on the fucking plane, they go, hey, you want to go eat lunch? I just told you a month ago, my dates.

It's fucking crazy. So the mind, listen, I understand a lot of people because I know what I'm going through. I know when you have all this shit on your plate, and people really can't grasp it. People have no idea how to grab away. I look at somebody and I can tell they're in deep thought. I look at

somebody and I can tell what's kind of going on if it's a good time to talk to them especially if I'm selling. You know, there's always fucking something. That's why when Lee comes from me goes, hey, these people contact this, I go, whoa, let's take a step back, take a breath, and go in there with a clear mind. I've noticed

in dealing, like starting my own business and then just in dealing with people who are working by themselves. And I did it a lot when I was really you knew at it is they try to oversell sometimes. So they get really excited. And like, even after you say yes, they're like, yeah, but it's going to be great because of this. And like, I already said, yeah.

And then they keep going and going. And it really, you said something, like, we've been to a, I, you hear it a lot in L.A. home going to a meeting. I haven't really been to any, I've been to like two meetings both with you, Joey. And I'm always like, because I don't, I don't want to talk out of bounds. I'm like, what should

I say? And you're like, just let them talk. Yeah. Like, there's no reason to talk first and like so just it's it was a very interesting it was a very uh like it's important to learn that because you don't want to go to that big meeting and over talk you see it if you've ever been to a meeting where somebody's out of line you fucking feel it in the room you're like Jesus Christ what is this guy tame him down somebody tame him down it's not good it embarrasses me I went to one in January I met a guy at a Christmas party that was trying to sell me that stuff again Lee a year later

nobody's using that shit with the viral view of your podcast so you could see the corner and he took me to lunch and it was just a fucking beating because before you sell let's talk yeah I tell even the guest on this show

come a little early so we can chit chat smoke a bowl I don't want to throw you to the fucking lions I want to slow you down one of the most genius things I ever heard was Gambino always had his wife answer the door. Why is that?

Because he wanted her to slow you down. I don't give a fuck if I just talked to you on the phone and said, Lee, come right up the stairs. Come on. Talk to me about what Troy did to you. He was always in the back room in a meeting. And as fired up as you were, he had her stop you at the door, sit you down, give you a cup of coffee, offer you a cookie.

Yeah. Bring a little Zen in. Bring a little Zen in. Now you're around the woman that could be your mom. You know, how are you going to act around your mom? It was a genius move. And that, I didn't think it was a genius.

I'm not a gangster, but I thought it better from the other way, how you have to slow your horses down a lot in life. You know, when you first come here, you could see the guys that a, that nose is wide open. Not that they're doing drugs, but they want to be a part of everything, you know, and they want to be, I want to be on that show. Three artists are going to be on.

be there, I gotta be there, I gotta show three arts how funny I am. And it's kind of, and I gotta be honest with you, I was part of that. You know, I was a young comic, I wasn't young, I've always been a dinosaur. But I know what it's like to be in this town and be overly aggressive. You know, a lot of those roles I got, I got them in my own, because I was sending my own paperwork, called the casting office, that's unheard of. That's unheard of, but I didn't give a fuck. I'm trying to sell a job.

I'm trying to pay the bills. Troy, you said something very interesting when you first started, you said, that you didn't want to do reality TV. And I know there's a lot of people in L.A. listening, and even New York. Like, when I first came out here, I was very lucky and very happy to have had a job, but my job was in reality. And it's just so easy to get, because that's all... It's a big part of the industry.

That's all they have out here. And, like, I've never once worked on, like, a scripted show or anything like that. And that was... Or a movie, and that's just so hard to get, that you get in this little rhythm of reality shows. and then 20 years later you've edited 20 years but it's all reality shows

so it's sort of like the nose wide open thing you should come here and maybe not take the first job that's offered to Well not but you get a good start that way you know They're all stepping stones Those jobs are all stepping stones to film and television

You know Somewhere along the line Some guys in the company go I just got a show as a producer And he an assistant Is it reality? No It's fucking CBM It's a show with Kevin James and Marl O'Hara, whatever the fuck,

and you're going to be my producer assistant. Now you do that for two years. The guy quits. He snorts coke. Fucks the receptionist. Cheats on his wife, he quits, and guess who gets the job? You do. Now you're a fucking producer on the show for two years.

Maybe it stays on for three years, seven seasons. You're a producer for four years. You're making pretty good fucking money. You're doing two seasons a year. And now people call and you're going, you want to produce my fucking show on NBC? Bam! You went from reality to fucking play.

produce it. Oh, it's crazy. Like, that's how fucking crazy this world is. Right. As soon as, like, I finish, like, I was about to make the move to just doing this full time, I literally, I went, and I went to the meeting at the editors union, because I had amassed enough hours. And for my, sat, from my position, which wasn't great, it's an assistant editor. I was going to make two grand a week on a union TV show. And then, because of the union, I would have gotten, like, health benefits. And yeah, like, Maybe I wouldn't be that thrilled with working in reality, but 2000 a week, are you serious?

I was like three years out of college. I was like, oh, shit. Yeah. Why didn't you pursue it? You didn't want to go forward? That was right when I decided to do this full time. And it was just, I didn't, it just, you were just talking about levels, it's stepping stones. It's, it's kind of hard to get a union, a gig, because they're so well paying.

But I was just, I didn't want to, like, we, we, I had just spent. We talk a lot about how I was so fucking tired. I was working 10 to 12 hour days editing and then coming here. So, and that's, it wasn't, my issue was never really my, like, morality or like my artistic sense. Because, like, I wasn't really in it for, like, art. I was just doing it. But I just, myself wasn't happy. Yeah.

So that's, I guess, I guess, two sides of the same coin. Right, but within that world, like, let's say you're editing in reality television. Within that world, you can still do something that matters. You can still do something that's a little bit outside the ordinary and make yourself, like, doing something great for you. That's what it's about. Not, I don't mean in the artistic sense. I mean, like, just something that makes you happy that's like maybe contributes in a way to that show that the producers go, oh, that's fucking amazing. We didn't even think of it this way.

That's a really great editor. Like, editors control everything. Editors are the ones who make the movies. Make the shows. Oh, yeah. And then I'm not trying to back. on people in an industry that's some of the smartest people like my first boss ever Vindabona essentially created YouTube he created America's funny stone videos in 1988 there's

something like 20 this is probably 26 or 27 seasons they have shows all over the world he's a genius I'm just saying for me I wasn't happy yeah working in reality and this has been I mean what's better than than doing this and my god oh my god oh my god You guys, what this show does for people, it's amazing how much it affects people. You just look at the comments that people make and the way it changed. How many emails you guys get to tell people like, this is fucking incredible change in my life, you know? Well, you know, I thought, I always thought the truth helps people. I always knew that I had this truth that I hadn't said to anybody.

Just talking about what happened in your life and somebody hearing it, that that happened to you know they giggle they go Jesus Christ I don't feel that bad it's just not me anymore you know it's uh

it's just so weird how this podcast has grown and the people that contact me and the different emails I get and you know today I answer 30 emails wow and the emails

are usually about the core of the show which is being scared and still going for it because being scared I'm not going for it. You're not going to get nowhere in your fucking life.

The drugs, how that affected us. You know, you and I, we were all talking about drugs for 20 minutes at the beginning of the show, which is a really interesting conversation about how drugs evolve in your life. And I didn't know about that till cocaine, like how after seven years the drug goes from being a social drug. to probably by my seventh year, it became a anti-social drug, which just instead of having 15 people in a room, I got it down to maybe three.

And by 1994, I had it down to nobody. And I would have a party by myself and get drunk and talking to the mirror like Denzel and man on fire and wave a gun around and act like a fucking moron. and I saw the evolution of it. I saw how it made me anti-social. I'm usually a person that likes at least talking shit with somebody in an apartment doing some coke,

whether it's three males or whatever the fuck, you know. But I saw how that, and I'm seeing it now with weed, sometimes it kicks off. It used to be the edibles when I went to Jiu-Jitsu, and I stopped all that. And sometimes edibles, when you take that extra step, the extra 200 milligrams for us, like in San Jose that time.

That was 500 milligrams, and I ate three-quarters of that now. And I never forget that. My body started changing right there. And I had asked the manager, I go, go in the kitchen and just take a plate of something. I go, because I'm going to fuck it.

It's going to go. I got to eat something to stop this animal from growing. Wow. But now I'm starting to get anxiety. I was telling you that last Saturday I had anxiety and had a follow

just one of the regular guys at the store wasn't like I had to follow fuck bloody Murphy or Richard Pryor and I got this dose of anxiety I had to follow the worst was Megan Mooney that night that was the fucking worst Morgan Murphy that was

the worst where I was sitting in Mitzie's chair fucking dying you know it was just terrible It happens. Once you get on stage, is it still with you or it's gone? No, it's gone.

Yeah. I look at the anxiety before I go on stage as fear. Yeah. And fear is healthy. Yeah, yeah. It's always, I always feel like. Fear is healthy. It's healthy with feel fear.

I totally think so. Very healthy, especially when you're in that. You're putting yourself in the arena. You're at any position. When you go cross train, I'll look at Lee and go leave. Today we're going to do 400 pounds. You're going to throw it up in the air and run under it 10 times and then catch you. You don't look at me.

No, Joey, are you fucking kidding me? I got to take that fear from you. And that's what happened to me with Jiu-Jitsu. Like, I was really scared. Like, sometimes when I just tap hands with you, my anxiety level goes up. And after I let you throw me down and stuff, and I tap, then I get momentum again.

I'm not going to die. I don't know what I'm anxiety about. Now I start putting up resistance. Now, that first thing, that first hyperventilation for me is always bad. God forbid I got to put fucking, stars in me or something. Like, if I have three stars in me in the morning

and I go to a radio station and then, like, you gotta walk up steps, I can't walk up those fucking steps. Like, listen, I don't want to see no stairs. When I'm on animals, I don't want to see no fucking stairs. Sometimes I take them early before the airport. Oh, my God. That American Airlines, you gotta walk to that fucking terminal

or southwest. You're huffing and puffing and puffing. I get fucking anxiety. Just sometimes when I grasp for air and I can't get it, I get anxiety. That's why I got the nose. surgery and all that shit but back to stand up i think that the anxiety is healthy it's fear those butterflies man yeah that's what it's all about we i know that when i feel those and then i have the

choice to go or not go like to just say oh no i got these butterflies maybe let's get the fuck out of here when i go through with it it's always amazing because it's like i'd maybe overcome some hurdle Like that fear, looking it in the face and just diving the fuck in the pool. It's like, that did something for me. Just that alone, you know? When I'm not nervous, okay, whatever, you know. But that, like, that anxiety, those butterflies are like, just go. Don't do this.

Go. That's when the good shit happens. Because, like, you just put yourself in that arena. There's arrows coming at you and you're swatting them off like David, you know, whatever the guy in Kung Fu. Now what is... David Kerrady. Now what is the definition of fear, like the fear before I go on stage? Resistance.

The fear of... Okay, like something came to my mind. One time I was trying to break into his book, he's house. And he had a fucking dog. All week I fed the fucking dog. I didn't think he was going to turn on me. The night of robbery, he turned on me the dog, and he chased me. Oh, shit.

And not only the dog chased me, cop. with flashlights are chasing me. It was a dark hallway behind an A&P in West New York, New Jersey on 57 to 58. That fear, I think of that fear I had that day. I don't know what I was more scared of.

The book you're catching me, the cops catching me, or the dog catching me. But I remember when, you know, when I fucking ran, after I ran like half a mile, that fear just disappeared. I remember laughing my fucking ass off running. That makes sense.

Running and looking for cop cars. and I couldn't stop fucking laughing. I loved breaking into apartments. For the thrill of it? Not like a, not like a, like if somebody said Lee has Coke in that office. That's where they weigh the Coke and stuff. They have a safe.

You know how many fucking safes I just picked up and walked out with? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you have any fucking safes in my day? I just picked up. Wait, people don't nail down safes? No, here's the thing, Lee. I never knew about this shit, okay?

I never knew nothing about saves. I was never a safe cracker. If I walked in your house and there was a safe, I felt like shooting myself because I knew nothing about saves. And then I, when I was about 20, before I went to Colorado at my friend's house, there was this dude that was like a Westy,

one of the Irish mob guys. And I used to always talk to him. He had brothers, he had daughters and kids, and I talked to him. And one day he was talking to me about fucking getting a job at this place for him as a case. He goes, you're not a case of joint. because he knew I was a burglar.

He knew I was a thief. And he goes, you know how the case. Joy's pretty good. He goes, you want to case him for me. He goes, you're not going to get in trouble. We get your job in there. You go to work there for three weeks, write everything down. And then we go in there.

And I remember telling him, there's a safe. And he goes, perfect. Look to see if it's bolted down. And I said to him, so let me ask you something. If there's a safe, you guys take it. And he goes, I could get anything open, just not there. we don't have the time to do it there he goes I got a friend that has a body shop

and they get it open over there they'll fucking burn that fucking door down so I learned from him that you would take saves that in 83 I burglarized on Christmas Eve I burglarized the family mall at the Snowmass Village fucking resort up there Christmas Eve Christmas Day if you woke up in Aspen that said

Snowmass Village Mall burglarized Christmas Eve it was me on a drunk rage in those days I used to drink Southern Comfort No no no I was done with Southern Comfort There was something most creepy I was drinking I was drinking like a whiskey Like something like that with orange juice

And I would get three of them in me And I'd go back to Thiefing I felt like thiefing I would get drunk to become a thief And I remember one night I was like fuck this shit And I first went and broke into this one place And took like 800 out of there And I kicked this other door

down and took like I picked up the recast register and took that home then I went back up there and I broke into this mom I mean this place was you know those malls that they have everything towels goggles suntan lotion it's ski season now so they had fucking uh hats goggles gloves scarves you know shit like that and uh I the door it was one of those doors where you had was put your two hands on it there's not It's 1883, guys. Where I do was put your hands on it and pulled. I just broke the bolt with my bare hands.

Like, I just went, bop! It opened up, I closed it, and I took a walk to see if the alarm went off, a silent alarm. I waited 20 minutes, no silent alarm. I walked back. I fucking ran in there. All the registered had that regular shit in there, $10 in singles. So you took a walk outside of the mall after you opened the door. Wow.

Jesus Christ, that's... Because I wanted to see if the cops were coming. I could see the... Cops coming at me like Narcos. I had a lookout. I had a lookout. I could always see it. Because cops won't put the siren on,

but to always put the lights on. So I would look for the fucking lights, Lee. And if I saw the lights, I get the fuck out of there. You know, I knew that place that I could run around this building and through this building. There was no cameras in those days.

You know, now you can't do that. The fucking satellite picture. Or you need a 72 hours and they'll get a satellite that was in that area to photograph that, And you're dead. You're dead. Morda. Yeah. So I went back in there.

I went there, they had like three registers where people could check out, you know, postcards and shit. You know, 10 singles, a roll of nickels. And I went to the back. I kicked the fucking door down in my drunk. And there it was. The fucking safe was right there. One of those skinny safes with the combination of the top. How was that thing way?

Whatever. It didn't fucking matter. Oh, shit. I went. No hand truck. I took a hand truck. There was a little hand truck in the back. I took that fucking hand truck,

and I wheeled that savage home, and I put it in my buddy's Jeep. And the next day, we then went to Glenwood Springs, and we cracked that motherfucker open. I hit it out like 20 times of the sledgehammer. That didn't do nothing.

You have no idea. I lost 18 pounds for that fucking encounter. And then what else? I robbed another safe one time. I robbed the safe in Guttenberg, New Jersey, at the Galaxy Tower. I was working as a maintenance. fucking man there. I would write the orders for people.

So I would have to deliver the spot to the apartments. No bonded. No background check. They just gave me a place to go that you could take keys off the wall. And they would have three or four keys on each loop.

So I just took a key for each fucking apartment. I had a key for the whole fucking building in the galaxy. They got three towers. This is back in 84. And I would fucking go drop off the material on people's apartment. Hello, Mr. Syed. And I would just say, you're here,

and I would keep going back there and whatever I could take. I was crazy, guys. I was fucking crazy. And I went to this room one time, and there was another safe. So I kept the key. I took it off the loop.

And I realized that the people went on vacation. They were like in Europe or something like that. So Friday night, I got fucked up with my friends. I told him to wait downstairs. I just walked up like I owned the building, though. put the safe carrier downstairs like a fucking

put like a blanket on top yeah like you work like you were just running a delivery like you're the guy that doesn't I think one person saw me I put it in the car and again I had to take it to fucking Seacoccus and light on fire and that had like a string of pearls in and I got like the small 2000 oh my God

and then the biggest one that's known is me and Josh Wolf that time he'll tell you that was the heaviest safe ever he'll tell you that adrenaline that that Criminal adrenaline that you get, that's a complete different adrenaline. There's sports adrenaline, there's comedy adrenaline. Then there's criminal adrenaline.

That shit's crazy. That's what makes somebody stab you 80 times. You know, it's hunger, it's desire. You want to fucking be a big shot, you know, blah, blah, blah, pop, blah, pop. And he said there was only 50 grand in there from the Boston Red Sox, Yankees Seattle Mariner's Series. Yankees Mariners. This is back in 97, eight. And he's like, yeah, there's going to be fucking.

30 grand cash from all the people who buy beers at the bar. He was going to be out of town, so we got this other guy, I got this other guy, they go, listen, I got this look outside. Do you know what? He was parked outside. A cop pulled next to him, like just to pull next to him, like to get coffee, and there's this guy waiting. I'll never forget this. I looked out, and I saw him next to the cop, and I thought we were dead.

And something made me wait five minutes, and the cop pulled away. And then he pulled the car in front of the back door, and I carried the safe. That safe had a at that time way, I don't know. And I fucking didn't pick it up. I just pulled it and rolled it on the carpet. You could hear the floor going, ba-p-p-pah-pah-pah.

Then there were stairs. I just threw it down the fucking stairs. And it just busted the stairs. And I jumped after it. I grabbed it. And then there was another set of concrete stairs. Ba-pah, bah. I fucking take that.

And I fucking carry it to the door. I'm sweating my hands. hands are cut. I'm bleeding. You know, my heart's pumping. I'm drenched in sweat. You're drenched in that criminal adrenaline. That shit makes you fucking sweat everywhere. I pulled that motherfucker out. Frankie, whatever's name was pulled up. We popped his trunk. We both fucking, we couldn't pick. I mean, it was horrific. We picked it up to the bumper. We've got to get out of here. The cop's going to go. We just flipped it in. The fucking car sank. It was like a low rider. We fucking took it over the bridge, took it to where I lived.

We fucking cracked it, cracked it, cracked it. I go to open the fucking thing, and there's a bag filled with change. $600. Now we had to take the fucking safe and dump it. Wipe the fingerprints, chlorine, in the river. Oh, shit. So he dumped it in the fucking river.

It's done. You just threw it down. Like, no one came out. It was like, hey, everything okay? It's Sunday night. One in the morning. It still sounds like a... Like a bomb.

It was a business building. You have no fucking idea. You have no fucking ideas. Doesn't that level of adrenaline make you feel alive, though? Oh, I was addicted to it. Yeah. I was addicted to it. Yeah.

I was a professional piece of shit. I was addicted to it. I could put a suit on and go into a building in case of fucking building. I just opened this door. Louis. No, no, there's no Louie in here. I knew there was no Louie in here. I just came in here to see who was in here and what was in here.

And what were you guys doing in here? That's why you always close your door because this guy's like, me or just not. And go like this and go, Louie, I got the big, oh shit, I got the wrong office. And you're like, thanks for, I ain't sorry about that. That guy's casing your world. Or you have to assume he's casing your world

because that's how I cased your office. Just a regular fat fuck with a suit on. And you're happy. What a nice guy. Oh, my God. He was a gentleman. We love his New Jersey accent. He's coming back in an hour.

He's sitting at the end of the hall waiting for you to go get hot dogs and for you to go pee. And he's going to come in here because he's seen that wallet with your car keys you put up there. That's how fast I could work. Wow. It was fucking lightning. It's crazy. But I was addicted to that. Yeah.

Shit. I got addicted to that. That makes sense. I got addicted to it once a week. Wow. Because I was doing at least one drug burglary a week because you rob somebody, you do the drugs. you hide for a day, you spend the money, and now you need another fucking hookup.

Don't you think this is exactly like, like, you know, Donald Seroni, he's the way he trains, he's out there, he's doing bungee jumping, skydiving, he's doing that shit. He's doing the same exact thing that you're talking about. Like, that's his, that's his, no, it is. It's the exact same thing. You're chasing adrenaline. It's just different fucking forms.

Different forms. Different forms. You're doing it. But it's still the same exact thing. And that's what keeps him alive. That's what makes him passionate about what he does. It's still, he's got that adrenaline. And he'll be the first to say, like, that's my addiction.

Like, I'm never giving that up. And he's, it's very clear. He's, no one's going to, like Dana White comes and says, hey, we need you telling that done. He's, no, I won't do it. That's what I, that's what I live for. Like, that's what I feel alive. I like things that are real. Yeah.

I'll tell you what brought me back to life, Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah. I was telling somebody today that it was because I seen all the weaknesses, not only in my Jiu-Jitsu and my, I saw all the weaknesses in my athletic abilities. I saw the weaknesses in my personal life. I saw the weakness and I couldn't breathe. I was getting anxiety over a guy on top of me. What happens if two guys come out of a car and get on top of me, they rape my daughter?

I can't have that position. I can never be in that situation. So actually, you prepare your mind. God knows it's never going to happen, but you got to assume it is in today's fucking big bad world. You don't know what the fuck's going to happen. So when I saw all that hole, all those holes in my personal game, I go, I'm going to stick this out. But what I'm addicted to it the most is that in the moment. moment and I love my heart beating. I love one of my favorite scenes in any movie because the director

or whoever thought about it was so brilliant was Godfather before Michael shoots the two guys in the restaurant. The train is stopping. You hear train screeching. You hear him stopping to pick people up. If you've ever done anything bad in your life, there's a point of the adrenaline that you your ears start ringing. You have no fucking idea when your ears start ringing. When you're doing something and you're death from the adrenaline,

that's a complete different world. When I robbed that jewelry store with Marblehead that time, when I was running up the corner, I was looking at grand larceny. You know, I'm looking at theft. I'm looking at a thousand things. I'm looking basically at 12.5

fucking years. Or maybe eight years. or maybe eight years with good behavior. But I'm looking at time. My ears were ringing when I was running. Once I got around that corner and those chains were all over the floor and stuff and I was picking them up, I was the king of the world.

That adrenaline fear should have made me get in that car and drive away. But I was till today when I asked that fucking moron, where's the jury? And he goes, it fell. And I go, are you fucking kidding me? And you just walked up here with this?

and I went and picked up those chains. By this point, everybody was out on the street going, hey, stop those kids. Listen, a bullet wasn't going to stop me right there. Nothing was going to. I picked up those gold chains through in the back of the car, got in that back seat, and we took the fuck off. We hit it right.

We hit 68th Street, whatever the fuck it was. And all of a light the trunk, because we were going to put the jewelry in the trunk. But the trunk didn't open. The trunk was jammed. So we had to put it in the back seat. The beauty of this is, at the first light, We stopped as a cop

And the trunk opens up As the cop is passing by The cop never noticed it And we fucking got the jewelry off But that fear I had Running around that fucking hill When I When I got in trouble in Boulder

And I kidnapped Vela While Vela was in the apartment When those him and the biker were there That Tidwell moron were arguing And I left him there When I walked into that house That was the best adrenaline than I ever had in my life.

Wow. Because there was a guy that opened the door for you, a door guy dressed in an outfit in front of this building. Now, I had just been there an hour before to pick the victim up and to take him to the location. When my friend went over, he stopped him, whatever, and they buzzed him up. I don't know how he got up. But when I went back, from the way I slammed that door, when he saw, I never forget to look on his face, my body language, the adrenaline was coming out of my fucking ears

because he didn't even say good afternoon. He even opened the door for me. I just walked in that fucking building. I got in that elevator and I went upstairs and I basically walked to the door and kicked it in. My ears were on fire.

I mean my body was just hot, hot. That's a fucking great feeling when you're on fucking fire. I kicked the door in and they had like a ceiling and I just jumped up and pulled it down. I pulled the whole fucking, you know those

drop tile? Drop tile series. Like the Coke was in one of those tiles. I knew the tile. Guess what? I didn't have time. I just jumped up like a gorilla

than I am and pulled it. And the thing just came. It was like, it looked like 9-11. You ever see those things hanging? That's how the roof worked.

Oh my God. Like the basement of Tower 4, whatever the fuck it was. There was beams hanging, dust everywhere. When I walked out, I had dust all over my face, my shirt. I had ripped that fucking ceiling down. I fucking picked up that Coke and I went in the car.

You have no idea how I felt. By the time I got out, I was already that clear because it's so funny. Lee, how are you feeling, Doug? I'm feeling fine. You ready for another star? Sure, but I'm just like, how did you only get caught with ones? You're tearing down buildings. You're kicking down doors.

You're doing 9-11s. You're a fucking. your adrenaline will take you to places. You can't think. You can't think logically. But here's the beauty of it that I've always thought about. Okay, so I parked the car facing whatever the fuck, this direction. But when I got the car to my right, but when I got in the car, I noticed that there was a newspaper thing.

And already my head was clear. Because when I pulled out of that thing, I crossed over right on to 19th and Canyon Boulevard. And that's where the halfway house is. How fucking, how much of a sign is that? And I went in, I ripped apart the two kilos, and I took, and I took like a fucking handful of coke out and put it in like a newspaper. That's how much of a primitive guy I was. I took the two fucking packages and I put them under a newspaper thing. So I wouldn't have them on me.

You follow me? One of those newspaper dispensers or whatever it's called in the street. I've done a dispenser, but those little stands you get your free paper. Well, those. Not a quarter paper. Yeah. Under there, because I didn't want an arm you if the cops pulled me home. And that fucking guy at the door didn't even look at me on the way out.

Didn't say thank you for coming. Thank you for shopping here. Nothing. Zero respect, Troy Conrad. Jesus. You do something like that with that level of adrenaline. You go home. How long before you can sleep?

Because that shit stays in your system. Oh, no. I wasn't going to sleep. I had a handful of coke. Oh, right. Between the adrenaline and the blood. Oh, yeah. It was, they call it adrenaline dump.

Is that what it's cool? Yeah, yeah, when it's, you get it all out, and then it just brings you down. But Coke would bring you right back. So, yeah, the adrenaline dump is when you get it all out. It's just like, oh, and then you get home, and it starts to wear off, and it's like, really, goes really low. Right? And that's when the sorenness comes in. Yeah.

That's when you realize, fuck, I dropped the glove in front of Kato. Because you. Damn. You don't notice the glove. When there's adrenaline, that's why that happened, yeah. That's why the knife slips, you cut your fingers. You know, when I was running from the cops and that dog, I ripped my hand open. I got caught on the bobwire.

I had to untake the glove from my skin. No, no, no, no, no, that bing guy. You have no idea. In today's modern world, I would have passed out. But the adrenaline kept me going, kept me going. I didn't even think of my hand bleeding. No fainting, no fainting. In fact, I went home.

and left the glove on. I said, why fuck with it? Let me go to the ball with the glove on. The glove was filled with blood. Oh, Jesus. I would squeeze it in blood and come out of the glove and shit. Oh, my God. Jesus.

Oh, shit. I never drink, though. Fuck it. Couple cocktails, couple of valiums. I went home like a soldier. The next day I went to the hospital because I knew they couldn't stitch me up. Because after 12 hours, they can't stitch you up.

So I went 12 hours later. cleaned it out with the fucking good stuff shit oh my god it's an open wound it was just an open fucking wound oh my god just thinking about this shit

that state of mind that was in those few years just picture that glove like you're squeezing and just squirting blood out oh my god I had a tooth I never went to the dentist I had a tooth that had an abscess and had a little ball on the side

and I would go to the comedy store and I'd be talking to somebody and you'd be standing if I didn't like it I could squeeze it it and the fucking juice would come out of the whole of the top. That's some Christine Pizziske's like shit right there, Jack. Wait until she hears that. She was at the store last night.

She looked beautiful. Yeah, she was great. She looked fucking beautiful. Her and Tom are doing great. They got the baby. The baby's a fucking gorilla. They don't know what to do with him. He's eating a fucking regular cheese steak from New Jersey Sam's.

Whatever the fuck that is. No, all that stuff. Now, when you black out when you said, when you said, You don't you can't think were you blacking out or were you conscious of what you were doing or would you just come to in the car like oh shit 50 50 then I would laugh my ass off like I'm about to do right now Like I did this scary thing one time I did the scary scary like even looking back today I I had a friend and

Things went sour she got pissed for some reason or another I got pissed at her I got pissed at her You know, she was a drug dealer. You know, she was a big time, medium-level drug dealer. I had met her through friends, you know, and I had known her for a few years. The weird thing was, as good as I knew her, every time I go over there, she'd always take your money or ask you what you want, and she'd go in the back room and then bring you the coat. And then you'd give her the money. She'd weigh it in the back room.

She'd ask you to look at it. She was very cool and see if you like it. You know, if you want more rock or whatever. but she gave you a great Coke. You know, I went over there one night the cop. She was no Miss America. You know what I'm saying? And everybody knew that.

And at the time, I thought I was cute, and I went over and tried to be cute with her. And she rejected it. And I got pissed off, you know, like a young man would do, like an asshole that would do. And I never messed with her again until one day I needed money.

And I go, you know what? That's the house we're going to fucking rob. I knew the concept. Consequences. First off, at that time, I knew that they were going to point all the fingers at me. I knew that this was going to come back to me at one point and another. But at that point in my life, I really didn't give a fuck because I expected how to have a tremendous load in that house. We were going to fucking become millionaires.

In my mind, I was always going to become a fucking millionaire. My demented, drug-addicted young mind, they had a million dollar stashed in there. And that was that. I was going to buy a fucking supra. You know, you're a fucking kid. You know, you got the dumbest fucking ideas. And one day I put a crew together. I got my buddy, two of my buddies. I said, listen, man, there's a fucking big payoff there.

And when I told them the name, both of them looked at me like, you don't want to do that. I go, yes, we are. That's why we're doing it, because they don't expect nobody to get hit. You know what I'm saying? They don't expect nobody to get hit. Now, I thought I could have the door. When I got there, I couldn't get the door.

I was always good with doors. And I would look at them and try to come up with a way where I could get into that door quick. She was a drug dealer, but she didn't have a top bolt. Kind of fucking dummy of you. It's that easy to get in without a top bulb? Well, it's only one instead of two. Yeah. And it's why, you know, those little regular things, I could, you could go through them.

You could put a shoulder into those fucking things, a good shoulder, hit it close to the door. Like, don't go in the middle of the fucking door if you're trying to break that. You're trying to break that right there, that grip. It's like when you break a grip, you push away from the fingers. Same fucking thing. You've got to push away. Pee in the movies, they always go to the door like Johnny Bananas. No.

I would treat it like a football tackle. And I would get, like, in a three-point stance. And that's why my shoulders probably jacked today. And I would put everything I had into that middle. And then I would have a gorilla going behind me. And we'd wipe the fucking door open. Wow. Or I bring a screwdriver.

I could see I could get a screwdriver in there. There was always different angles. Maybe there was a glass on your door. I could break the glass and put my arm through and open up the fucking door. There's always an angle. The consumer doesn't know it. Yeah.

I know it. Where I just moved into, there's glass the door. I don't like it. That's getting covered up this week. Because I don't like glass in the front. That's just a no fucking brain. Well, somebody will hear it. Really?

Really. Somebody will fucking hear it. Nobody will hear it. Nobody hears shit. We're programmed not to hear dick. And if they do, who's going to go outside? Just like what you're saying with the safe. Yeah, I'll break the glass and walk away.

So if they come out, they don't really see nothing. They get back in their house. There's so many things people don't see. That you think people are going to see. They don't see. I've done a thousand things right in front of people looking at me and they don't see it. Your mind doesn't pick it up. Something.

I've seen it a thousand times. You're not looking for that. You're not looking for a drug deal going down on your street. So you're sitting in front of your drink with your husband drinking coffee. And I come up with like a fucking construction bag or a gym bag, but I'm dressed like a gym guy. You follow me. You come up looking the way you are. And I sold you an ounce of Coke right there.

And you got on the bus. I made you get on the bus. Get off the next block. Walk back two blocks. What's a big fucking deal? Plus, how often when you're driving, will you just look up and be like, oh, I don't remember the last. to five minutes of this. I think that happens in everyday life.

I don't think it just happens when you're driving, especially if you're doing something that you do a lot, like you're morning coffee or mowing the lawn. You just phase out. And you're not, you're making it very easy for people to not notice it because you're acting like you're supposed to be there wherever you are.

Like that's the skill, right? That's the skill. When you're wheeling it, when you're taking a hand truck with a save, you put a blanket on it, you see somebody. You're like, hey, how you doing? You wave at it. Yeah. Loved up.

Hey, you want to get the, this thing's really heavy. You want to help me put this in the trunk? Oh my God, it happens all the time. Absolutely. Last night, Pablo Escobar, he goes into the store and the cop drops a quarter and he gives a quarter to the fucking cop. The most wanted fucking man. That happens every fucking day.

I used to, I used to do this. I'd sneak into concerts. But my thing was, I would walk right in the front door. And one of the times there was like three bouncers. And I just walked down. I go, hey, guys, what, we're getting paid. What do you want? And they go, oh, we're going to go pepperoni.

We'll do two. What do you want? All right. All right, guys. All right. And I just walk in. But, like, I act like I'm supposed to, like, why would anyone walk in getting pizzas for the bouncers? You know, that made me in a position of authority.

And I could just walk right in and enjoy the show. It's amazing what you could do with body language. Oh, yeah. If you act like you are supposed to be there, nobody really questions that. It's amazing. Yeah. How much body language contributes. to so much when you watch those shows in discovery.

Like, I don't watch a lot of shows in Discovery, but this time I'm in the hotel room. I just did two fucking shows, 250 people a show. I talk to 200 people. I go back to my hotel room. You're tired, but you're so tired, your body's glowing.

So what do you put on that? That show you like, the prison show, or my 600-pound life. That's a shit you watch at the little night because it don't need a lot of attention to watch, and it calms you down, that stupid shit. You're not going to get into seven.

at two in the morning because that'll take you till six you follow me seven movies like that scarface you know something comes on at that at that time one-third you're doomed but the cop show but what happens it's sellgate c and all that shit you'll stay a fucking wake for and you'll wake up and it's still on them they're still in some fucking jail in new mexico smacking people on the head with sticks and shit it's funny it's weird i uh we talked last week how I was going to get rid of the Facebook app I did that I I got out of cable and it's weird how all these like those kind of shows can take over your life I like I had I had the one of my first big screen TVs I had burned into it the ESPN side thing that on sports center where it tells you what the topics are going to be because I would just leave it on all night oh shit and like when you take that stuff a way that you get addicted to. It's amazing how much more time there is.

It's weird. It'll change. Yeah, I took the Facebook app off my phone like four or five years ago. And it's amazing how nice it is to not have alerts all the time over things that are not important for your life. It actually lets you live. Yeah? I moved this weekend. And there was times that I would put, you know, hot mail on.

And I was, like we were talking, we get stoned. And we open up all five links, and you open up Wikipedia and you're researching and you're looking for plane tickets. And you're sending an email. And you're waiting for somebody to send you an address on Twitter. So you go back and forth to Twitter. And there were days where I don't write on Twitter on the weekends. You know, I've made myself a personal thing Sunday at 5. I'm allowed to fuck around on Twitter.

Before that, I'm not allowed to fuck around on Twitter. You got to give yourself a day and a half, two days. Friday, people are traveling. We said what we had to say Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. People don't comprehend that. Don't get on Twitter and go where you've been. You have to give this thing a fucking breather. You know, people always got to me, Joey, you have so many fucking stories because I didn't have a fucking internet.

Yeah. You know, you're reading about these stupid fucking stories because you're sitting there reading. It's two in the fucking afternoon. Why are you in the goddamn house? Why the fuck are you in the goddamn house? I could see if you're Hurricane Camilo, whatever the fucker's name is that's in New Jersey now, it's fucking raining.

But I never understood that part of it. You know, you have to cut the shit that takes time away from you. The worst thing is getting yourself in a position where you're just staying at home and doing stuff from home because that just can lead. There's no, you're not accountable to anybody and you can just do whatever the fuck you want. And you don't do the important stuff. You end up doing the bullshit stuff.

When I first moved to Los Angeles, I rented a room from a writer. And the deal was, he said, you can only, you only get to sleep here. So this room is yours from, you know, 10 o'clock at night until 9 in the morning. You got to be gone at 9. but you can live here. So this guy, because he was a writer and he used the place during the day and he had meetings there. So I had to be out. And I just ended up finding great.

That was, I got so much stuff done. I met so many people. I was out there in the world. I was out there in Hollywood, a town new to me. That was the best thing I ever did. If I was at home just on the internet, I would have been living this virtual life. Like, who knows what it was like, you know? But that was great to just be.

propelled out there. When I was 18, when I was going through high school, HBO was still pretty new. And HBO had a show about a guy who hitchhiked. The hitchhiked. What was it called? I think that's what it was called. There was a guy who got in cars and sometimes women blew him. And sometimes he just got to meet people and go to a different town.

It was sort of like Kung Fu. He kept traveling, you know. That was always like a distant dream for me. But after my mother died, I had no hooks. Jersey. So that gave me the green light to experiment a little bit and travel, you know. I looked around a lot when I was growing up and I looked what these guys were doing. And some of them were successful in their own little way considering they where they were coming from, you know, we were coming from my same neighbor, very blue collar. And now they got into some managerial

union position and maybe they're making 90K a year and then entitles them to pay their mortgage and have his wife a nice car, you know, shit like that, you know. But I would see their traveling patterns and they will go to Atlantic City and they were going to Florida. And this is what they did every year. They wouldn't even fucking consider going past Chicago. And I always thought there was a little bit more to life, you know. So when I got the opportunity to travel, you know, I was always intrigued with Colorado because when I was a kid on ABC News, when you were watching eyewitness news that I was

put, you know, even today, 10 o'clock Eastern, 7 o'clock Pacific, my, o'clock western and eight o'clock mountain time and i always said mountain time how fucked up is mountain time where the fuck is mountain time so when i got to go to colorado it was because of mountain time i like the idea when i moved to seattle it was because i liked the seattle supersonics for a while they were in the finals one year with jack sigma that's why you moved there yeah it was just but i like the logo to the comedy club the seattle underground i just thought there was something to it you know there was something to it all those names meant a lot to me

when I first got into comedy and meant a lot to me to play that club in Boston in the fucking market there that closed down what was the name of that place? Kelsey Hall and Fenio Hall there were all these locations

that you had to play in because they were your gold you know this is part of your gold you had to play in the comedy store and the underground and you had to play what was the Phoenix when I started Interesting that you started in Phoenix. Yeah. So Phoenix had with knuckleheads.

He had the comedy zone. Six clubs in 94 or something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And you started with Stanhope. Stanhope started in Phoenix. Yeah. Yeah, we had, yeah, we, the first, the first paid gig I ever had was with Stanhope.

Stanhope was, I think he was featuring at that point. He was featured in the improvs. He was the god of that time. Like, you're featuring the improvs. Like, and it was G.E. Howard's club. It was called, uh, I want to say, it was. Well, it used to be Finney Bones, and then it became, like, Comedy Zone or something like that. It was in one of those hotel, you know, restaurant bar things, right?

Shit. Like crazy. You know what I'm talking about? Because it was Finney Bones in a comedy zone, I think. But it was crazy, man. There was so many clubs at that time. And I forgot the laughs, the one on the freeway was like laughs. Not laughs and limited, but something like that.

It was laps in... Tucson was laughs. Then there was laughs in New Mexico. You had an Albuquer. And Ruff. Before Ros-Rivas, it was a guy's club that died in a motorcycle accident on New Year's Day. Oh, I didn't know that. A great fucking guy.

Just a great, because that was the thing. Laps had a bad name, except his club. He was a Mexican dude. He was a biker. He took you to dinners. He treated you good. He put you in a hotel where the other two clubs, Laps and the other one in Tucson were kind of fucking shitholes. So he would, I don't know.

I don't know. I'm just saying this at the time, guys. Yeah, the worst condos. Yeah. So he died. Oh. And Russ. I started with Russ.

Wow. It's so weird. I was a doorman and Russ was already featuring. Oh, shit. All right. At the Wits end. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's right.

I forget you did Wits end. That was my favorite club. In Colorado? Oh, no, no. Yeah, Westminster. Dog, I never did it. I worked there as a doorman and the sound god. Then a fucking barback.

And then I told the guy, I want to do comedy, and he was like, you'll never make it, not in this town. You're a big New Yorker, and trust me on this. They do what you're doing here. You'll be managing this place. I'm like, fuck you. I'm going to get on fucking stage.

I'm going to stay here with you and give orders to these young kids and you shit. And the big clubs, what the fuck were they? Yeah, yeah, knuckleheads. There was always an improv in Tempe. Yeah. And then there was that one that opened in the Scottsdale Mall. It was like the, it was like a, like, name like the sphere or some kind of like technoy name. You know what I'm talking about?

It was in this like Scottsdale Plaza. This is what happened. I'm going to tell you my fucking experience in this, in the spring. The spring is March. Spring of 95. Spring of 94. I get a call. I talk to a buddy of mine.

His name is Todd Jordan. great comic and we're having the discussion and I go what's some good clubs that are locally that you get me a showcase at and he goes why don't you you could eat one of those just eat half of it first I don't want you to pull a known Benjamin next thing you know you're in glendale talking to no Armenians eating the shish kebab and shit you don't know what joy de is just need half of it yeah just to get into your head a little bit what we're talking about here Lee the clubs the clubs the phoenix clubs so I called this guy and he says to me joey it's time for you start going out and showcasing.

I go, what's a showcase? He goes, you got to go to clubs and do a free set and let them know you're fucking alive. He goes, because nobody's doing that. This is how you get into clubs. I go, all right, fine. So I called knuckleheads because at the time, knucklehead had three clubs.

They had Phoenix, they had Minneapolis, and they had somewhere else. Yeah. I don't remember where, but they did. Like Portland. Portland, Minneapolis, and Phoenix. I go, how far is the drive to fucking Phoenix? They tell me like 12 hours.

I say, fuck it. There was no thought of a plane in those days in my world. At that time, I worked for a national car rental. And I became friends with this kid in there. He was just a great kid. And he really admired what I was doing. He was young. If I was 30, he had to be 25.

And he admired what I was doing. He was like, really, you're going to do stand-up tonight? Yeah. I'm gonna tag along and then when they came to me goes hey man I want to help you with your career I said you were writer you know people he goes no he goes pass out this box of flies and I'll give you a hundred bucks it was an hour to work every once in a while he called me every year and then it got to the point where I would just call him up and borrow against the work he'd give me then he got me a job when I went in there and applied he got me the job and then he became my boss so I went to him like

a man I go hey man I'm gonna fucking bind Is there any way I can rent the car from you? And you can take it out of my check and I'll work here for the next three weeks for free. And he goes, what about I've written you a car? And if you bring it back, the bill will get lost. Wait, what does that mean? He goes, he goes, I'll rip up the bill

and say that he got to take the car for business. Oh, yeah. You got to take the car to drive somebody on a certain date. I mean, that broke my heart. Like, I had to borrow $200 from a friend of mine, Lou Cerillo, gas money that I was going to give to him and then I was going to borrow another hundred from a friend of mine Joe Koch and try to figure it out this is how crazy I was late I was going to get

the car with a hundred dollars and go to phoenix drive 12 hours with a hundred bucks didn't give a fuck that's how much the dream meant to me I'll figure out how to come back I'll figure it out I'll rob a gas station I'll figure it the fuck out I got in that car this kid didn't charge me So I had $200. And $200 was perfect for the drive down there. And I took the $200, and I got in that fucking car. And, you know, as hungry as you are, I drove nine hours. I pulled over.

I slept at some fucking parking lot until the sun came back out. And then I found the gas station, brushed my teeth, put water in my face. And I went to the club. And I sat there. I thought the club was open all day in those days. And I could just walk in and say, hey, I'm a comedian. Sure. Go down to the corner.

There's a whole tub room. They'll put you in. Tell them it's us. Get a meal at the restaurant and then come back and do a show. That's how I thought comedy worked. Like, that's how retarded I was. I go to the club. I knock on the door.

That motherfucker's shut tight, Jack. I'm sitting out there all day in that fucking sun and that heat and Phoenix in a car with air conditioning. I had nowhere to go. I had no friends. I didn't know who to fuck the call. Nobody. I had nobody to fucking. I don't know nothing about Phoenix.

I hadn't been to. 10p since 84. I used to go to Tempe and visit a buddy mine that was down there on the lamp. He was down there smoking mushrooms with Indians and shit like that. So I would visit him. I knew nobody. I sat in that parking lot, Lee, in that comedy store parking lot and wrote stupid fucking jokes and wrote my dreams down and how I was going to fucking bust out.

And somebody was going to see me somewhere at one of these clubs. And I wouldn't have to do what every other comic did. At first, that's what I thought. I really believe that I was just going on stage that somebody's in the same meaning come on, let's go. I think everybody had that starting out. No.

That was a time, well, that was a time where you would hear about like, oh yeah, this person gets discovered from the comedy club. And there was a time where that kind of thing you'd hear about it. Really? But it wasn't a reality. It was just like, I think it was one of the, like,

yeah, that's how you get discovered. Like people were doing it for that. Like 90s, anyway. I just wanted to be saved. I just wanted to stop being a criminal. Oh, like a fucking. And somebody sees me, it's over. Like, if somebody could see my five minutes set

and they could just take me to Richard Pryor's house, I can smoke coke with Richard, we could do jokes and shit. Like, that's what I really thought. That's how stupid and naive I was. So I waited for them to come. I went inside, I asked for whatever the guy's name was. I mean, I got there and the waitresses where I hate me

because I was in the way, you know, I had to use that bathroom to get ready and use a shirt. I mean, this was ghetto to the max league. You don't know when somebody walks into your club. Does it a bathroom I can use? You know, and I'm in there, no shirt on with paper towels, wiping my armpits and my face, brushing my teeth, wetting my hair, putting gel in my hair with a shirt that was crinkled up.

Then I'm sitting at a bar. After that, I'm sitting at the fucking bar as annoying as can be. So what times the show start? And they're like, is Jeffrey and Jeff? I called you to the guest spot. All right. Guys like, cool, yeah, you can do a guest spot, man. Everybody was cold to me.

They charged me for a Coke. I was furious. Then the first show came in. And I got on stage and just my accent killed him. There were some New Yorkers and they were laughing and shit. I was talking about Godzilla. I was doing terrible material. But I took them to where they had to go for five minutes.

I got on stage. I go to pay my tab The guy goes, no, no, no, no, no. He goes, do me a favor. Can you stay for the second show? They didn't charge you for drinks ever again. And then he asked me, goes, are you hungry? Was I fucking hungry, Lee?

I was trying to eat my finger because I didn't know how much money I needed. By that point, I probably had 90 bucks and I needed an 80 for gas. So I couldn't take a chance and even got a veggie. That was only got a veggie and cheese. That was the cheapest thing I could get,

a subway veggie and cheese. And he goes, for the second show. I stayed, did the second show. I think I ate like a roast beef sandwich. I didn't really want to be too over the top. I didn't drink anything. I had no Coke, nothing.

I was drinking. And the second show were late, and I think I cursed, and I did better. So he goes, wait, I'll talk to you in a second. He brought me in the back. And he goes, when do you want to come back here? And I go, I don't care, no. And he goes, how about you come for two weeks,

like eight months from that date, whatever it was. April. I was going to come back like in November. He goes, you could stay for two weeks, 300 a week, maybe 250 a week to MC. I had to drive down there. I didn't give a fuck, Lee. I was getting my break. This is it.

And then he goes, what are you doing tonight? Where are you staying? I go in the car. He goes, no, no, no, no, no. Go to the condo. The feature is local. Go over there and take a shower, take a bath, spend the night. You could stay home under.

And I went over there. I got up. I watched some baseball, the other comic. I don't know who the fucking the headliner was. I asked him creepy questions that night. And creepy questions that morning, he got me high. We went to breakfast. He gave me his number.

And I got back in that car and drove back with two fucking weeks of work. I got a club as an MC. I didn't give a fuck. I was going back up to the talk of shit. That's the best feeling. It was the fucking best. And then I get home and I'm doing comedy. I'm fighting my wife and all this shit.

I'm getting into the comedy I'm also I got a fucking page It's a voicemail And I get out of it. I'm like, hey, Joey, it's Joe from Knuckleheads I just want to let you know we're closing I go what do you mean you're closing you're closing tonight And he goes no we're closing the whole chain And that was my first experience

With fucking comedy on the road Where's that Tony Bennett tock second I want to be around To pick up the pieces When Somebody breaks your heart Some somebody Twice as smart

As I All the bomb Look at Lee Asking for a fucking bong When was the last time you asked for a bong me? Huh? Coxed. Not in a while.

It's over now. Lee, I didn't bring you a check. I'm sorry about that, buddy I'll see you tomorrow Okay Who'll leave you to learn That misery Love's company

Wait and see This fucking beautiful jam for you Monday, September 5th This is it, guys Like I was talking about in the periscope Thank you, Lee I was telling these guys on the periscope, the reality is

in September 5th. This is the fourth quarter. That's it. You're at the fucking, you're at their 30-yard line, you're marching in, Jack. This is it. This goes by so fucking fast now that you can't

blink an eye. If you haven't gotten your shit together by this time of the year, it gets ugly. Your unemployment runs out about this time and shit. Once the unemployment runs out in October, it's a cold motherfucker out there. You got to take

one of those kitchen jobs this shit you've always dreading cooking and fucking frying shit and talking Chinese to people. You want another one? Were you ready for a bono in life yet? Absolutely. I don't want you blowing your top and you can't talk.

His eyeballs got so red before. They got like the guy fucking, what's his name choked, the narcos. Remember how his eyeballs got red? I was like, oh, no. That was fucked up. They don't fuck around down there. So you started as a comic in Phoenix.

Yeah. Who else besides Stanhope, you remember? Oh, God, man. Well, I mean, this was when, you know, there was Genesis. I don't know if you ever knew Genesis. Then Pablo Francisco was in Tucson. He would come up. And there was Ron Mori.

You must know Ron Mori. Ron Mori, yeah, absolutely. Love that man. And then Gary Menke. So those are the guys that started with. Manky, the Manker. He just passed away recently. No, no, not Manky.

Manky's still running a club. I want to say he's running an improv in Tampa or something like that. Oh, that Gary Menke. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who died from Arizona? No, no, no, no. The other guy died, too. Mark Anderson?

No, the guy from Laps. He was like, he's always been at Laps, Tucson as an assistant kind of sort of nice sweet guy. Oh, no, not Gary Hood. Yeah, Gary Hood. I didn't know Gary Hood. Yeah, Gary Hood passed away. Yeah, he lived in Tucson's. We did stand up here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think Gary was taking care of himself. No, he was in, as a matter of fact, the last time I worked that club, I want to say six years ago, he was, I stayed at his place and he was definitely in really bad health. Like he was, you know, he was out of a lot of trouble. I think he had diabetes and I don't know, man. Things were bad though. You know, man, I'm over 50 and I got to be honest with you guys. Once you had 50, you could go at any time.

that's a fucking reality you go out any time no symptoms you know you stretch for something you get a heart attack you go on any fucking time my heart has lasted as long as it did especially after these adrenaline stories and the cold

and there's 20 more of those adrenaline stories that can't come to my mind right now so you uh you know people always say to me you should do the third week a month on the road you should do this you should

I don't want to die in the road. One of my biggest fees is from my wife to have to call Lee and say, you have to go sign for him. I can't go. I got the kid. I can't haul a kid. And then from there,

why even send them back to California? Send me straight to North Bergen, New Jersey, so I could die with Vanieri at the parlor over there. You know what I'm saying? Besides, it'll give me half price. That's a fucking savior these days. So you got to work that way. Once you hit 50, you really got to think that way.

So you have to take a little care of you. So I think the road, you could take care of yourself on the road. I'm not saying you cannot. You could stay away from greasy food because I do it now. I do it now. It costs you a little bit. You have to walk a little bit and do what you need to do. But you go to Gelson's, you know what I'm saying?

You don't listen, you cannot eat three fucking meals like an animal like that after the age of 35. You cannot. I can't. Yeah. I'm talking about waking up and going to Houston. Let's say I'm in Houston, Texas, waking up and getting a cheese omelet with fucking french fries crinkle cut fries with a motherfucker side order

or white toast with ice tea with sugar and lemon in that bitch yeah but on the way over you gotta get a couple calachis and shit so they get your blood going then you go home and take a nap then you wake up and go to auntie chang's dumping palace and you have the fucking lunch special plus an extra fucking order of spare ribs

because you're an animal then you go home and you eat a fucking sandwich while you're watching mori or whatever some chick that's trying to get pregnant by white people then for dinner you go eat at a fucking restaurant again and the fried food you know and then you got to get the late night tacoville they got to get the late night it kills you on the road and people don't I don't get stressed out of the road listen I do not get stressed out my stress levels

in fact I have a great time to be honest at you guys I think it's a travel it's a travel that wears me down I had to take a nap today guys I didn't do much this week and I had to take a nap today because my body's programmed to nap on Sundays. How long do you do a nap for? What's that? How long do you nap for a day like that? An hour and a half.

When I go on the road and I wake up at five in the fucking morning and you get on a plane to come home, when I get home, I'm up until about two. And then I'll sleep in two to five. We will not do the podcast on a Sunday night because I'll be tired. I don't want to deal with somebody four nights in a row. That's a lot of nights. I might not go to the store tonight, to be honest with you.

I don't feel too good tonight. I'm starting to get something. I think I'm just going to stay home on my fucking business. You got to take care of yourself as a comic. You do. You really do. You know, there's five nights a week. You can get caught up drinking on all those nights and picking at food and then you sleep late.

And I, hey, dog, I went up to 418. You're talking to the wrong guy. You know, you sit at the comedy store at night. You drink those Coca-Cola's all night long with rum. You think that, you know, those are 400 calories apiece. No, there was no fried chicken at the store. Oh. have not really ate the fried chicken one night not the fried chicken the chicken

tent that chicken time yeah there was no that wasn't a kitchen then that was just dish washing that had the booze there and they had that they used to wash the glasses there and shit oh okay well do you guys are like eating late even when you're home because like I'm like I can I will not eat during the day like I'll have like one meal but like at 11 o'clock even without the edibles sometimes is Mike. I'll just want to eat. And that's like apparently the worst thing for you to do.

Yeah. No, I'm not going to sit here and tell you I never did it. Lee and I have a discussion once a week. I bore Lee with the same fucking story about my dream. Lee is only one. I love Lee. Everyone loves Lee. Lees a fat fuck like me.

Me and Lee and me and Lee together are not a good couple on the outside. Lee knows it. Lee and me and me When we go out to eat, we fucking throw down. When me and Lee go out to eat, we'll fuck your world. The chocolate cake. You know, and Lee's not going to say no to me, and I'm not going to say no to Lee. And I know what Lee's thinking when he looks at the menu.

I know Lee that fucking well. He's looking at the most, I can take Lee to fucking Hardy Morton's, and he'll pick the most disgusting thing on the menu, but I'm proud of him. I'm proud of him. I'm going to go, Lee, go. He'll get the potatoes. He'll go for you. He ate the lobster last time.

He ate the lobster with me. fried. He ate the lobster with me, bitch. Yeah, we got a coupon or something. People sent us like Honolala. And me and Lee went and Lee had the fucking fried. I don't like lobster. That night he was fucking eating it. You, you, one quality you have is you are good at being fat. I've been thinking about a lot. There's people who are fat. And you talk about eating good food.

What you really mean is that you know what, like, not that it's good quality, but it just, it's what is the fucking best. Like, Paula will come to me and be like, Like, my meal is always better than her meal because I keep it simple. And I just know because I spent a lot of time being fat. I know what's going to be good. And like, can I tell you what I've, trust me, I've been to Taco Bell. I've never once ordered one of those Doritos tacos. What about the new thing with the cheese in the middle?

Okay, because I'll tell you why you can't fuck with. Here you go. You can't fuck with Taco Bell's cheese because they use the disgusting. cheese sauce. That's gross. I'll put that in cassidillas and call that a cassidia. Yeah, that's really sick. I would rather, I don't want to throw it in their face when they do that to me, but that, like,

that you can't. It's like that movie theater. You, you like, no, like we go to Morton's, you get the steak, and you know, just to, you are like, I told you a couple weeks ago, you're very calculated, and it

goes to eating, too. Like, you know the salad, you know the thing, but you, You know, like, your trick was the chocolate cake because that's how you, like, no one would order that. Wait, what's the chocolate cake trick? It's like a, it's not a trick. It's just like a six-layered, amazing chocolate cake with homemade whipped cream. I would never get dessert. We know we never get dessert.

No, we don't ever get dessert, but this cake. Oh, my God. I wouldn't make you get nothing unless I was throwing heat at you. Like, I'm the type of guy that if I got the best Coke in town, I know you don't do Coke. I call you all and go look at I know you're going to do a blast of this so you can tell people you did the mother of Pearl Coke

this is direct in the Chinese palace and shit this is mixed with ying yin juice and acupuncture needles you snort this shit it's over that's the type of guy I am I don't like fucking around with people

I don't like wasting people's time when it blows me out of the water it'll blow a civilian because it takes a lot to blow my fucking head off It's like that spicy lobster at that place. It blows your fucking head on. You could go there and just get eight appetizer plates of that.

And me and Lee would be. And me and Lee, we'll do that before the ears open. We're going to do one of these podcasts. That ends at eight. I'm going to Lee get in the car. Well, I got to put the podcast up. People are going to complain. Lee, get in the car.

I'm trying to tame him, Terry him to do a two-point exit. I'm going to do it a two-point exit for a month. It's a fucking nightmare. 30 years old, he couldn't get a license in Jersey. You got to do a two point fucking parking. He can't two point exit. This is a swish and you pull out like, well. I do it every time now.

No, he doesn't. It takes him an hour. He moves an inch of foot. Well, because you do it right after the podcast. So what? It's like this. I don't want to hit something. You're not going to hit nothing.

I'm right there with my hand. I am right there with my hand. And he's got a fucking camera behind this car. I love that you're right there, by the way, because that's, you love that. I don't think you'd be behind, like, stepping behind my car and getting hit a little bit. Just the mess of the... Oh, I'm waiting to get tapped. You know me?

I'll cut you in 50 percent. You're like, I want to week off. I'll fucking... No, I'll just go down. That's it. All of these are going like this. Look, that's it. I'm going down.

It's over. Ah. Ah, what hurts. Everything. Don't be specific. Jew training 101. Everything. You got to think about the attorney at court.

What's going to be. I asked you, at the moment you got hit with the car, Mr. Diaz, what it hurt. You yelled and what I said everything. What am I fucking retarded? I just told you the fucking, what the ambulance guy said? Everything hurt. When you said everything, you mean everything like what, your knee, your leg, listen to me. I could feel my fungi toe vibrating.

He almost knocked the nail off my fungi nail and he knocked the liquid out of my ear. I can't even hear you right now. I don't even know what the fuck I'm here. If it wasn't for the sign language guy behind you. That's the move to make them bring a sign language interpreter. Oh, that's the one. And about another year, I'm sure you got to listen. You got to bring a sign language.

I love doing this shit all the Sunday nights and sometimes and just giggling. So you got into this and stand up. You went to work with Danny because you knew crazy Danny. We talked about Danny the week after he died. RIP. I remember that. And RIP. I remember that.

I loved him to that. I listened to that five times. Oh, my God. That was one of the funniest things I ever did. Yeah, you said, yeah. He was a sick fuck. May he rest in peace? Something like that.

It's the greatest, greatest transition ever in my life. He was. Yeah, he, I gotta be honest of you. Listen, man, I'm attracted to crazy people. Crazy people seek me.

That's who my MO is. Crazy people attracted to crazy people. Yeah. You know, I liked them. I liked them. a lot. He made me laugh. He was a hard nut to break in the beginning. It took me three years to get in that club. And even then he'd break my fucking

balls. Rogan had to bring me in. Then he would give me love. Then he was really giving me love. Then him and I hit it off and he was good to me. But everybody always thought I did blow with the poor guy. I never did the line with that guy. It was crazy. I knew that if I carried him with me I couldn't get rid of it.

I knew that by his personality. He liked going out, man. That was his thing. This is, yeah, Dan Murr, Tempe, Improv. He was he was that's what he was known for like he's the guy he's gonna take you party in you take you drinking and you see there's abandoned town or he's got you know

spring sting tickets there's always something always sounds like my worst nightmare he was a partier man he was a partier he was a partier he did the craziest shit man he rented a bus that time with jimmy schubert carlobo they rented like a gambling bus do you remember I didn't know

I wasn't there for yeah I remember that they went to see Bob Dylan so they rented a bus that you could drink on and gamble on and do the fucking whole thing. When we were leaving the improv, he was getting there. He was one of those guys and you know what? Here's the sad part about it that

Troy's gonna you know, you're a good you read characters well and you like Dan and this is what I read of Dan. I read Dan. Dan was the slash general manager of the Tempe Improv. If he was here in this room right now he'd tell you he owned it

plus the mall. you know you know whatever but it didn't matter i like dan yeah dan was a lonely guy yeah he was just he wanted so badly to be a player no he wanted people to tell him he was bigger than hartman he was trying to find you know he gave a lot of people a lot of money to make little investments yeah on movies and shit and they fucked them you know yeah yeah no i heard that he did a lot of that and he he really did come from a good place on all this stuff yeah he had all All this demons, but man, he's like everybody else trying to be the best they can be. He was a lonely guy and he just wanted to be known, like that magazine they wrote about him.

He took that out and bronzed it and put it right in the entrance when you walked in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It takes balls to hang an article by yourself. Yeah. You want to hang it in your office, you know, next to your trophies from college. I'm in. Yeah. But hanging up at the business, and it was huge.

It was the first thing you fucking saw. I mean, he was really in love with it. And I saw that, but the last three years of his life, when I was involved with him down there, it was not good. Like the last, not last three years, the last three times I'd gone to his club. I saw something that was completely different. He was gone. And then the Super Bowl went down there, and he lost it. Wow.

Because he thought he was going to be invited to all those parties. But what he didn't realize is it's in Phoenix. He kept thinking, oh, my God, all these celebrities are going to come to my club. Nobody showed up, not one person. Oh, wow. They all stay in the fucking hut by the Super Bowl. You know what I'm saying? That's where they stay.

If you ever been to a Super Bowl, they don't leave that fucking village there. So, you know, he got really disappointed. He hated. And I couldn't believe that. That it's like, you really thought they were going to come over here and get you. Well, look at my picture on the wall. I'm the owner. Yeah, you know, he was, you do that stuff.

That kind of thing. Like, you know, when you hear a comic walk in and talk about where they've been and their resume, the first thing they say, it's like, that doesn't come from a place of having a big ego. That comes from a place of just somebody who's a little bit terrified and a little bit insecure about what's going on. They just haven't gotten comfortable, you know? And so he had that. And he, you know, that was what he did. He was a cockbocker. You could not talk to a woman at this club.

And you would try to justify it. But then one of the weirdest things happened in 1998, 99, way before I met my wife, I went down there. Now, at those times, Tempe Improv was the club you wanted to do well at. Oh, yeah. Because that put, when you told people. people you work weekends of the Tempey Improv, they're high. It's huge. Because they knew that the club was quality all the way.

You didn't slip through the fucking cracks there. You know how I always say that saying, it's not how many people you shoot, it's who you shoot. You in 15 years ago, in 2009, 98, 97, if you had the Tempey Improv on your resume, you could sell yourself into a lot of clubs. As soon as you fax them your resume, they would bite because they knew it was a militant club. They knew that, you know, David Spade. They taped the fucking specials there. They did the young comedian special there.

A lot of people don't remember that with Nick DePaolo and Andy Kindler. And who's the other, Louis C.K. No, the director from all those movies that works on. Judapato. Judapato. Yeah. You know, that club had some heat to it. So.

When you put it down, even if you had a bad set. Oh, yeah. It didn't matter. You perform. Yeah. They're not going to check. I don't go. I don't do it when you did that.

No. They were like, wow. You perform that. Yeah. Just the fact that you walked in there and performed that. That was like the Holy Grail Club. That was the Holy Grail Club. Yeah.

So I had worked there like twice. I had done a Latino tour there one time where they paid you $400 and they gave you a hotel room that night. Yeah, it's like Joey Medina. Yeah. Hook and knocked on my door. You're at the wrong fucking door. Oh my God. It was horrible.

I was coked up. She took me by storm. Then I sat there for an hour going, I should have hired her. I'm like, I should have hired her. She would have sucked my dad. I wasn't even. thinking like I was so coked up. It was an easy in and out.

It was easy Phoenix to L.A. And then I went down there, and I forget who the headliner was. And I went down there. He called me, and he goes, can you make it down here by Thursday, Wednesday night? You know, at that time, I didn't have a resume. I had done like Mad TV and maybe analyzed that. And it was big to me. Like, I was like, fucking December.

It's going to be all over when I analyzed. as that comes out. And he called me and he goes, come on down. And guys, at that time, I was living on a couch, sometimes in a car. I had no confidence, you know, like girl confidence. I was just trying to, he was paying $5.50, I think. I would just try to get Coke two of the nights I was there. And that was my big thing.

If I could eat and just, I would buy two shirts when I was there from a fat man store or something in Phoenix. I was pretty happy with that, you know. And I go down there on a Thursday night. And Jesus Christ, I get off stage. And remember the green room was upstairs? Yeah. Upstairs? Way deep.

Deep. They had to fucking get a treasure map to find that fucking green. It was way, way, way at the end of the map. Way at the end of the map. I'm sitting there waiting for the headline because you can walk out and watch the headliner. Yeah. So at first, when the waiters were busy, I didn't want to go out there. So I would wait until like 20 minutes and then go out there and watch the headliner for a wall.

I hear it boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. woman door. I open the fucking door and it's a broad, Jack. At the club? At the club, at the door. I'm a feature act on a Thursday night. And this, it could have been Friday. It could have been Thursday or Friday because I

had to live there with another night and Danny was mad and they didn't know if I was fired and all this shit. The girl's talking to me. She's a little bit fucking drunk. She's taught me about Coke and her girlfriends and blah, blah, blah. And I go, listen, yeah, it had to be Thursday. Because I go,

the show's going to end and we could still go to a bar. So now it's 20 minutes from that situation happened. The girl goes downstairs. Guess who comes up? Danny Merr. And he wants to take me out. He wants to go party. And I'm like, I just told this fucking girl. They're young.

They're young girls. They were from Jersey. It was just, there was some stupid connection. You know, and they're like, we want to go, We got blow Because I'm as I talked about Coke on stage So he's in there now Telling me how we're gonna go to this place

And the car is coming And they have a great fucking cocktail But I'm like I'm not up to all that shit You want to take me to Scottsdale That's the big thing Like go to Scottsdale To be around yuppies Thursday is the night

That was the night for that Take out late to those clubs With the lines and the short skirts And the boom the techno shit So I look them right in the face And I go, hey man I'm going to go back to my hotel room to the condo

I go I'm really tired man and he goes really I go yeah I go home here a couple nights I'll go out with you and he goes okay and guess what happens

I open up the door and now the girls up there with three other broads tits out of their shirt banging two of them are married and they want to do powder and they're like looking at me and I'm like

And they're like, are we still going out? Let's go. We got a car. Let's go. We already called. We got Julio waiting for us at the bar right around the corner. I don't know what his name was. No, there was Julio.

He was the main kitchen guy. It was two blocks away from that improv. There was like a little bar. And now I got Dan there. I just lied to fucking Dan, my boss, that I was going home to sleep. So I get myself out of it. I go, you know what? I was going to go home to sleep.

You know what? Fuck it. Let's all go home. I go, Dan, you want to go out with us? He goes, well, I got these people away. I go, Dan, one of them is my cousin. I forgot all about it, Dan. I'm going to have to go out with them.

And he goes, well, fuck it. Then I'll go out with you. I mean, he was that much of a child. He was 10 years older than I was. And he wanted to go hang out with these fucking girls. If I was 30-something, these girls were 28, I was maybe 38. This is how long ago this was. This is 16 fucking years ago.

I'm 50- fucking three. So I was 37. These girls, like, 30 and fucking day. Dan's 50 fucking something years old. Looking like Bozo with his hair. He's bald. He won't shave the whole thing. He's got these curly things looking like Kleinfeld.

For fucking Carlito's way. These girls are looking at him like, you got to bring him with us. And I'm like, listen, I don't fucking know. The headliner still had a half hour. So I go, Dan, when you go downstairs? Let me finish what I'm doing here, and we'll all meet. So Dan's downstairs trying to be fancy with the four girls,

tell him he owns the club. He'd get him deals to go to a room. I'm getting sick to my fucking stomach. I look at the chick that's got the blow. I go, you want to do some fucking pound? I go, because the girl's bathroom was upstairs. There was one downstairs, but there was one upstairs. But there was a line.

Remember there used to be a line? I go, go upstairs to the girl's bathroom and go right to the fucking green room. And she goes to the green room. I give it two minutes. I run upstairs to the green room. I get upstairs to the fucking green room. We're doing fucking bumps.

We're doing bumps. fucking coke on a tits. I'm snorting the coke off of tits like Commando style. The nipples still in the shirt. I'm just snort it up here. I didn't give a fuck what she did. I just wanted to snort coke.

I didn't want to fuck her or not like that. That wasn't the point. Then she finally popped one of those jugs out. I'm sucking on them, putting coke on it. She's got a bag of fucking coke. I mean, this bitch had, you know, maybe eight grams of coke. And she's throwing coke on a tit.

Like, fucking, what's his name? in the fucking, what's the movie with Jack Nicholson in Boston when he's the mob boss? Departed. Departed. He's throwing cocaine at him. She's thrown, I mean, this chick was crazy. I'm sucking her titties.

I'm fingering of the whole thing. I got her in the mountain position. I mean, this is terrible. It's not blowing. I got coke all over my face. Now, this office, Lee, is the size of this fucking table. Lee, this office is the size of this table. Well, guess what happens?

Danny walks in Oh no Oh fuck And you know how that goes now with him He couldn't just walk out and go downstairs He embarrasses the girl He says that this isn't this type of club That when he brought me in

He would fire me but he likes me personally So the rest of the weekend I'm on probation That he might find me I'm listening to this shit going What type of guy would give me this fucking he had beaten Only somebody who doesn't like somebody having fun A real guy would lock the door and go the next day go that was crazy

what the fuck were you doing up there Joey you know whatever he just embarrassed me embarrassed the girl blew the whole fucking night I do the rest of the week and I go back I call him and I'm hearing rumors from people you're banned because he caught you sleeping with somebody

and if I was sleeping with it I was fringling I was sucking the tits and we were doing blow there was nothing going on there was nothing going on that's first base where I come from the fuck kind of people love to meet you. So that was it.

I was banned. I wasn't really banned. He was just mad at me. You know why? He's not mad because you're doing that in the office. He's mad because he didn't include him. Like if you would have said, hey, I got this chick, this broad. She's going to blow everybody.

And she's got Coke throwing her tities. When I went upstairs, I didn't think that was a thing. I just wanted to do blow. In those days, I probably had a little blow in my pocket. But if she was offering, I was snortling it because it was fucking Arizona Coke. I was right there. It just came over the border. It just got off the mule.

You know what I'm saying? The Mexican just dropped it off in the mule right down the corner there in Tucson. It's still in the saddleback. It's still in the saddleback. You know, I would get coke down there. And everybody was doing coke. I remember taking Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan taking me to a club one night.

And look at Joe's face after an hour. He had gone to the bathroom twice. And he's like, everybody in this fucking town does cocaine. And I'm sitting there with him. sober as a judge going, I know, I would be doing it too, but you're sitting across with me, you fuck. I'd be in that bathroom vacuuming it up with those savages. He took me to another party one time, the porno girl, before she married Tito Ortiz. Yeah, Jenna Jamison, she used to come to the club all the time.

He used to come into the improv all the time, and I got to tell you something. You know, I'm a dirty guy. You hear me talking. Her house was beautiful, like she had a gorgeous home with the original husband. Yeah. It was just filled with disgust You could smell the sperm particles floating in the air Oh, come on

It was just, I went there for a party I went there for a party And everybody's doing blow And me and Joe trying to be cool And I can't take it no one This girl finally takes me in the room And we're snorting Coke And when I come out, Joe was there

And Joe saw it I felt fucking terrible But Joe, this is what these parties are about And then there was some chick sucking her own tits You know, it was just a craziness type of house. It was a porno house. It ain't my type of house.

That was what's her name's house. Yeah. She would go to the improv a lot, huh? Yeah, she's coming a lot. I just thought she would just go to see Joe Rogan and stuff. Yeah, she always came in for Joe. But like, we'd see her in there once a while. I want to say this was the Tito days, but at that time, I didn't know Tito.

No, it was way before Tito. Yeah. Okay. She had the original husband. Yeah, because this is like the, you know, 2001, 2002, 2003. Yeah. I don't remember who's you But yeah she used to come in

And then the other guy Nils Lofgren Used to come in a lot Yeah he was friends With Dan he loved Dan Damn make sure You know Send him a lot of food

It was the big stress night Went I did Nils Lofgren's here It was like a big Fucking deal You know Everything shuts down Everyone's on military rules

You know It was crazy I hated bosses like that In those places Oh well Dan was a celebrity He was a celebrity guy He made sure That he loved all that shit

It was like Then Schindler's list when the guy said, hey, send the Nazis another extra bottle of champagne. Like, he was that guy exactly. Yeah, he was that guy. Oh, fuck, yeah. He did some stuff that I hated. I look back now and I go, all right, I kind of get that that was brilliant.

It was me. He was mean and brilliant. And here's what I mean. He used to hire people. He'd put an ad in the paper and he'd say, come tomorrow, come Monday between one and five. All these people say, 100 people show up. Sometimes more than that. 100 people show up on Monday and they're waiting.

They wait there from 1 to 5. And someone calls at 1.30, comes out, hey, hey guys. Just, Dan is on his way. So please hang tight. And so he'd call in and just tell him to keep him waiting. Keep him waiting. He'd keep him at 5 o'clock. He's still not there.

And I'll come back tomorrow. They have an employee come out. Next day, same thing happens. Now it's 60 people. Did you like Fight Club? What? It's like Fight Club. You have to stand on the...

He made people wait. And then they come Tuesday. Every hour someone comes to, hey, he's going to be here soon. He never shows up. They do it again Wednesday. And then Thursday. And here's what happens. It starts with 100.

Next day, it's 60. Then it's 40. Then it's 20. Then it's 10. The last 10 people that show up, he hires all 10. I hated that. But then I look back and go, that fucking guy, he wanted the people that wanted the job really fucking bad because he knew that those are good employees. It's pretty fucking smart.

It took me a long time. to figure out that's what he was doing. I get it, but for a whole week and like, no, it's, he ruined people's lives for a fucking week. He made him wait. And it was for like a, like, a server job or like a doorman job. Or server job, door.

The whole, the whole fucking thing. Oh, my God. Yeah. No, it's kind of fucking crazy. That's too much. Yeah, that's... I've heard of things like, they'll reschedule it a couple times on you. Just to see if you make it. But I, like, to be honest,

I wouldn't have gone. I'm no job there. I would have left out for the first day. Yeah, no, me too. I would have left out for the first day. That's just embarrassing that you wait four hours and that's just... So now you broke up with Dan, you and Dan go fuck it, and you came to L.A. You were working with Dan.

Yeah, I was worried about me. He was kind of what drove me. Like, I was so frustrated with... He was such a tyrant. It kind of made me move to L.A. It kind of made me go, I got to get the fuck out. So, like, it was like 2003. I moved out.

And what did you do in 2003? You were doing stand-up? I was doing stand-up. Yeah, that's what I thought I wanted to do when I came out here. And then I somebody had to have me tape something. I got a video camera. I started making little short films and stuff like that. And I got real, I loved making things.

And you can call it producing, which that's what it's called. But I always just think, like, no, it's just about making stuff. Like, we all have our thing that we're making. You're making brilliant stuff on stage connecting with an audience and making people feel like life is fucking normal in America when there's all this PC shit like you're giving that to people. It's all about what do you make. And I like making things that other people could join in on. Like I want to get my friends together. We're going to make this move.

We're going to do this thing. I like that shit. So that's what drove me into all of it, you know. And you created set list. Yeah. Now what is the whole purpose of set list? Tell the people at home if they don't know. It's an improvised stand-up show.

where you walk on stage, instead of doing any material you've ever done, you get a set list of really strange, sometimes nonsense, fucked up topics. You get them in the moment, and then you act like that's the act you've been doing on the road for 10 years.

But they flipped the subjects at, you know, and you get like five different things. That's what fucked my world out that. I thought the concept was brilliant. I just... You did the show. And you were amazing. And first of all,

you know what happened the night. We did a 7 o'clock and a 9 o'clock. And if you've ever done... those times the seven o'clock is always shit because the audience is it's seven there's daylight out every time we did the early taping for all those every day we did early the audience was terrible and the comics left going man i just didn't feel like i really got them and the late show was fucking incredible do you still do the set list there yeah so well we still do it there and then it became a tv show in the uk and and australia and then we've been touring around a bunch of different

places. So you were saying Chile and Edinburgh. Argentina and Edinburgh and it's regular Australia. So it's all over the place, but it's a sort of a thing designed to get people out of their orbit. Like, we all have a routine. And that those butterflies and that adrenaline and all that, like, you know those times where you're on stage and you don't have that.

And it's like you're going through the routine and the audience is loving it. But then you leave stage and you're like, I don't know if I don't have that like I just fucking wheeled out a safe feeling. You know? And set list kind of guarantees that you're going to feel that because it triggers that adrenaline because you're you're out of control. You have no control of what's happening. And you have to, you're getting stuff thrown at you. It's like the beginning of that kung fu.

It is like Kung Fu in the beginning. In 2008, when I first got off cocaine, my mind started going through different directions. And I was like, you know what? In 10 years, this stand-up shit's going to be boring. I love when I got a call from a comic who's put a new pitch together for a stand-loyal. show. In those days, I used to get them once a fucking month. Some goofy motherfucker

that wants me to meet him somewhere to put something together for a typical three of us are going to go on stage and then I'm going to host. And there's going to be strippers. You know, three of us are going to go on stage and there's going to be people with drums or people

playing a saxophone behind. I mean, there was a thousand concepts, but they all went back to just doing stand-up. And I fucking was getting sick of it. And I go, something has to change. Something has to fucking change. And people were trying little things.

You contacted me. I went down there. I was still in a fucking comatose stage when I went down there. And I wasn't really feeling it that night. But when I left there, I remember going, Jesus Christ, somebody is thinking like I'm thinking. That this could go into so many fucking directions to stand up instead of the, this is a TV show. I can't believe. Yeah.

That's thanks to Paul Prevent. I mean, yeah, he's, you know, he's, he's fucking incredible with all the projects he does. And so he, you know, we took it at Edinburgh. It got picked up for a show. We did 14 episodes and it was, you know, it was amazing. It was, it was a complete blast, you know. Good for you, man. It was great.

And, you know, what it did, though, is, like, we did the Melbourne Festival. And I had a guy come up after the show. And he goes, hey, I want, he goes, because it was showing there, went into reruns. And, like, it was, it's still going. in Australia is ridiculous. This guy, he goes, he goes, I came in because my kid, he's in the sixth grade, he started a setless club at his school. I was like, I was completely, like, my life changed.

That was the moment I went, oh, my God, that's incredible. He started a setless club at a school. So think of what that's going to do for those kids. Like, they're going to get to feel, like, to learn that when you get thrown into a situation into that pit where you're afraid and you confront every demon, it's just like this thing. you can just do that and not be afraid and get used to like you said like you got addicted to that it's the same fucking thing right it's getting addicted to that adrenaline but finding a new way to get to it no way to get to it Monday night I did something that was the most interesting thing I've done

no while I didn't want to do it it was in my realm I'm not going to lie to anybody but I did not want to do it well he caught me in a weird time in my life and I said sure and for three weeks I sat in my fucking office, sweating it, and I just started getting ready last week. I agreed to do the goddamn comedy jam. Oh, wow. That's the greatest show. With Faco from Baltimore.

And I love him. I've known him a long time. You know, what's his name? Josh Adam Myers. Oh, yeah, with John Myers, yeah. He's doing. I got there with Lee. I got to be honest.

I didn't know what to expect. You going to put it on from Lee? I have it if you want. Yeah, put it on from him. See if he's got it. You have it on your phone? I have it on my computer. All right, then do it.

Yeah, you can put it on from it, then you could cut it up later and release it. What is this? This is the goddamn comedy. I've seen that show. That is one of the best shows. So I went down there and I looked around and he goes, are you going to sing a song? I said, yeah. I didn't get a chance to rehearse it.

I was busy moving last Monday. So I love that you did this. I couldn't go down there and I got to tell you something. I was so blown away. You want to talk about fucking anxiety. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen it. I saw what Adam posted.

I got a dose of anxiety handed to me. And I felt it. As soon as they said my name, I heard the music. I walked up to the stage, and I didn't focus on Josh Adam Myers. I focused on the drummer for some reason. Something just said, Joey, don't do it. And I focused on the drummer, focused on the drummer,

put it play it, Lee. Focus on the drum, focused on the drum, until I finally turned. and when I turn Troy Conrad reality at its finest. Oh man, I love that you did this, Joey. So there's this big crowd, the band.

I think all these episodes of this show can be, I don't know if this one's on Comedy Central, but you can watch them on Comedy Central. Joey's out there dancing. This is unbelievable. They can see it. Everyone can see this? Yeah, okay.

How cool is it, right? This is unbelievable. Joey looks like he's always been a rock star. Holy shit. absorbing all that energy, putting it all out. Yeah, right now I have anxiety to the gills. I can't breathe. I'm just playing it right there.

I'm just trying to really be cool. You came out with the energy. It looked like you're in the zone. Oh, look, now you're, okay. I'm trying to get my head together. That's why. Oh, shit. Oh, now you're back.

Sure. I came back. I had no fucking choice. Amazing. Ah! Joey! Please do this every week, Joey. Balls just took to do this, guys. I was sweating at the last day.

You want to run out of there while you're waiting? Like, just like, maybe something. Maybe the stage will collapse. No, I just sat there with Lee like a moron, drinking beer. Unbelievable. He's having a good time. He knows I'm sitting there in pain. Look at Josh Adam Myers. He's such a pince.

Oh man, he is unbelievable. The biggest thing I've ever seen. I didn't see the Mexican dude behind me. Look how lit up the audience is. Holy shit, yeah. Yeah, the guy behind you. Oh, my God. He's the guy from the movie with Denzel Washington, right?

Yeah. Joey, you're a monster up there. A legitimate monster. The end is the best. Oh, my God. Only Lee would take this to embarrass me. Please tell me, Joey, you're going to be doing this again. I don't know what song I can do.

It's the easiest chance. She's this to the round. My God. Just fix it up nice. You got it up nice. Make a video. Win an Academy Award. Joey, it's beautiful.

It was a lot of fun, man. There's Jeremiah Walkins. I'm so glad this is on tape. Oh, I'm so happy. Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, of course I should tape that. Suck my dick. Let me give some shout out here.

My main man, I'm. Bali up there starting jujitsu. Dante Gazzini. Thank you for the CD. Cock sucker. Johnny Cutler up there, Oz Warrior, Danny Staples,

Ashman TV, one-by-one podcast, my main man, Mikey Klein, but he's not Jewish. And Hero Jr., which I missed completely. They were at the Vi-See.

I had my dates all fucked up. I thought they were coming into 29th. So I took a Sunday at the comedy store last Sunday. I was going to go from there the Viper Room and surprise them. They weren't there.

They were there the 31st, which was Wednesday. So what happened was Wednesday I had to get up at the Ice House. I didn't get out of there until 11 o'clock. I never got to see Hero Jr.,

but I heard they ripped up the fucking Viper Room. 9-1-1 had to come. People were jumping up and down. Jews on fire, the whole thing. The whole fucking thing. So now I'm, You're in LA, you do the set list.

Can I ask you something, though? Because I really do hope I would love to see you do. I know you don't do those specialty shows. You like doing the real shit. But this, like this worked so good for you. Like this was unbelievable. Because it was only four sentences that I had to repeat four, eight or 12 times. I just took the notes from IMDB.com.

Right. Oh, but you know that. The last line, fuck you. I won't do it to tell me. They wrote that for me. that's the thing my mom told me since day one so he came out, you just flowed organically suck my dick, all that stuff, motherfucker.

That comes out organically. I picked the best song for myself. Yeah. This was it. This was like, so now I got to pick another one. I don't know what to pick. Now I got to fucking think about it. Alonzo Bowden did fight the power.

I got to do stuff to rile up the crowd. I got to let them leave there going, Jesus fucking Christ. Could you do an ACDC? Yeah. Really? I feel like you could do it I could do an A. My favorite ACDC aren't the

shit that most radio people listen to. I was a back-in-black guy, but when I think ACDC now, I like power rage. I'm a real big guy with a hell guy. Oh, yeah. Like that. Oh, yeah, listen.

Night prowler is a great song. I can't hold it up. Walk all over you. I would fuck your world up. That would give me a heart attack on stage. Why? Because it'd be two guitar dueling and shit. If I could get a really good guitar player to do the goddamn jam.

You gotta do it. Sing it. Yeah, that would be unbelievable. I mean, that's... Sing it slow, take it over. Oh, I love all that shit. Oh, fuck. I love when people...

Listen, I don't give a fuck if you do somebody's song. But if you do it, do me a favor. Put your flavor onto it. Show me why you did. If you're going to... You know, if you're going to do the mechanic over, show me why your version is better than his Charles Bronson. That's all I want you to do.

If you're going to have the balls to do my song over, show me why you were doing it over. Zeppelin stole your song, you know why he stole it? Because you're a sleeping pill. That's why Led Zeppelin. I heard that Stay Where the Hell? That was Stay Where the Hell because it was so fucking bad. You know who heard that song you sang?

Nobody, three people on an acid trip in Malibu. That's it. Zepelin heard and said, this guy's retarded. Watch this. Bam! Lit that motherfucker up on fire and it became what it was. That's why the jury said, what are you fucking kidding me? This was A&B. This song put you to sleep. That's why Harry Krishna's got together.

This is how bad your music is. Absolutely. Got to make it your own. So that's the problem there. So you get to LA, now you do the set list. It's doing well. You pick up a camera one day to fucking take pictures for the set list. And wallop.

Yeah. And then I got, I just got super into photography, man. I got, I got into... How long ago was this? How many years? Well, set list's been six years.

So that's when I first got... And I'd say in the last, like, four or five years is when I just got obsessed with photography. I saw some of your pictures from Montreal with Felicia. You up there with... Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love Felicia. And she was doing amazing work up there, too.

She was doing pictures. Like, we're both in that photography. It's the same... You know, I think it's so similar to comedy. It's all about lenses. It's all about how you see something a little bit different. I mean, photography and comedy are really similar that way, you know? Like, we all have our own lens.

That's what's really exciting. A photographer goes, oh, my God, you know what you can do with this lens? You can practically see in the fucking dark and everything on the back glows. When you're going in and talking about something on stage, nobody else can do it. When you have a point of view, like, you're the ultimate example of, like, a real point of view in fucking comedy. Nobody can ever, like, copy that because it would look. So everyone go, oh, yeah, I know exactly who that is. Like, that's so simple to recognize because you have that about you.

It's the same thing with cameras, you know? You make me look handsome. Your pictures, I got three. I got two. My daughter carries one of the pictures that's not even framed. That's Lee. She walks around with the one picture you took. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, so she likes your stuff. I got the other one that you mailed this. Yeah, so for everyone who does, no, Troy's the one who does all the really cool black. He designed the front up the new Hall of Fame for pictures. You designed the front. Well, yeah, so is the Hall series. But it's on permanent exhibit in the lobby of the main room at the comedy store. So there's about 80 comics.

Joey, you were the first person I photographed. Thank you. Because nobody ever thinks of me. And that's what I'm saying. Like, this time, dog, I kept a joke because of you. I kept a joke that I fucking thought was disgusting as I was saying it. But at work for the moment where I had you. What was the joke?

Wipe through, you know, sometimes I paint myself into a wall at the store. And I know how to get myself out of it because it's the fucking original room. I fucking hate the main room. I go to the main room. I go to there like those people in Gladiate. I know I got a 40% chance of dying, but it's higher than that. Yeah, yeah. Because I lose my confidence right in the middle of it.

Why am I here? Why the fuck am I in the main room? I'm an original. I'm a dog. You like being in the trenches. I'm a dog from the original room. When I walked into the original room, I knew. going to be my home. When I walked into Seattle Underground,

when I saw those water bugs, I go, this is, this is it. This is it. This is what I want. These new clubs are opening and they're fancy schmanty. That's not stand up. Red tablecloths. I can't wait until somebody goes, you know what? I'm opening up a comedy club and I want the people to smoke. I don't care if the place burns down.

That's what can. You know how many people would hang out and they get smokeily and put their feet up and watch three or four comics do 45? A lot. A lot. Get really good food? Yeah. Yes, a steak, a finger food, not even a steak. Like, you know, clams and zucchini sticks and pizza. Pizza?

No, no pizza because they were fucking up. We went and got pizza the other day. Where did you get? And it wasn't bad. But again, like I told Lee and Lee's learning, if I'm going to eat garbage, I want it to be memorable garbage. That makes sense? Yeah, yeah. I went last night and I had one of the best meals I've ever had.

I wanted to thank Lee last night. I went to a place that he turned me on to that. Every night to go in there. A pit fire or what? Nah, he turned me on to that Mexican place on Moore Park. We didn't eat dinner. So I called my wife on the way back from the story. I'm going to go get tacos.

She goes, bring me two. I got two carnitia tacos with avocado and cheese. Cactus. Cactus. Those motherfuckers take it to the hoop right there on Moore Park. So if I'm going to cheat, I'm not going to cheat big. I'm just to get two tacos. I didn't get the rice.

I didn't get the ducalette. I drank water when I got home with two fucking tacos. That was my dinner, basically. My point being that. The other day, the baby likes pizza. I like pizza. Lee likes pizza. Last week, me and Lee struck the cord with pizza in Hollywood.

We went to Joe's pizza on the way up the hill. Delicious. It's great pizza. They make it perfect. Nice to chin thing. We couldn't finish it. We weren't even hungry. We still got a slice and three quarters.

We ate. We threw it away. Now that put the flavor. I grew up on pizza. I grew up on a slice a day. Listen, most societies on a half a day keeps the doctor away where I grew up a slice of day. keeps everything away. VD, gonorrhea, the fucking mumps.

Just cheese, too. Just cheese. That's it. All you need, it's a tune-up. Absolutely. I don't have a tune-up here. You know the tune-up is a two o'clock slice with a dying Coke? That's a tune-up.

And it's if it's lent, maybe a white pie with some muscles with marinerra on it, stop it. Good tune-up. So, yeah, you want to like these fucking premier photographers now in comedy. Well, yeah, I love doing it, man. I love getting stuff. It's just an obsession, you know. Last night I look up and I see you there and for two seconds I get pissed off. Oh, yeah, I see you.

I saw you there and I got pissed off for two seconds. I'm like, what's your girlfriend? Well, last night, yeah. I was like, that's it. That's true. Conrad. When most people do it, I kind of go, fuck. Well, no.

Now, last night I was there and I was helping Brenton, who is a great comic and also handles the social media for the comic store. He, I was helping him set up his camera because he's got this great. new camera. So I help him do the setting so we can get right. So we were, I was just kind of playing around with his camera. So I got some shots of you and I, I know he took some great ones. So he was, uh, I just showed him stuff off. I, by the way, I love seeing what happens when people figure out how to use like a, you know, those DSO, they don't mean anything. It's just a, it's like, really a confusing ball. Like, I don't need this shit. I got a phone that takes good.

When you start to learn how to use that stuff and the like the cool shit that you can do, he lit up. He was so excited and he was like starts playing with stuff. It was great. I love that. Sorry, I get crazy. You're a gadgety guy. Well, yeah, I do like gadgets. And especially cameras. No, no, I had dogs.

I had friends. Cameron. I had a friend that I used to fucking drive to California with every 90 days from Seattle. I love him dealing. One of the funniest guys in my men, I learned a lot from him about manhood from him. He was a lot older than I was. He was black. I loved him.

But he was a photographer. And he used to call me the person. He would let me get under his skin. So when you'd let me get under your skin, guess what I'd do? In a loving way, I'd get under your skin. So he would show me his pictures. And what he would basically do was take a camera from 1950, a box camera. Yeah.

And when he'd go on the road, he'd go to rural roads. And he'd take these gorgeous pictures of broken down cars and broken down tractors with a pig next to it. And there were beautiful pictures. But then he'd do something that I didn't like. He'd fill it in with, like, a stent. to give it that 3D look and he killed the pictures.

His pictures were beautiful. When you looked at his pictures, he always picks something up. That was just wild. He never picked the chicken up and put it there or put a leaf there. He always caught that third thing. Yeah.

But I think that's important in photographer and I look at pictures. He catches that third angle. Yeah. I don't even know if it exists. It's something I see in my world that I've always called the third angle. Yeah, it's kind of like an extra dimension.

I know what you mean. Like it's something extra of that picture. You can't always describe it, but you go, I just I fucking like that. And as a former, like, film student who, like, in those classes, people would make, make movies. I don't like calling the films. And they'd be like, I'm going to make this black and white for, like,

artistic reasons. Like, ooh, it's very artistic. I don't feel like you're doing it for that reason. I feel like, I mean, I feel like it definitely is artistic, but I don't feel like you're doing it to be, like, really, like, fancy or... Some things just seem. contrived yeah and you see them coming that's true when I see it coming it pisses me off as a professional yeah contrived scripted totally Lee and I did a something one night a podcast and we had

a comic go on that and every response was scripted oh it was horrendous no so let's say I would ask you about yeah wait go ahead and ask me I'll do a scripted response no so I would say so What do you think about photography? And he'd go. Photography is great. But I went to see my doctor. He'd just go in. Oh, no.

And me and Lee were like, oh, no. That's called the Byron Allen. I call it the Byron Allen. Oh, Jesus Christ. Like when you do that rehearsed, you go right, you start with something. You go right in. Sounds very memorized right now. Oh.

But people don't know what we're talking about at home. A lot of times, not anymore. It had stopped about 10 years ago from me. But before that, there was a lot of places you go in, and they need to make you do two things. A, write down your lead-ins to jokes. And it was horrifying. They had to, wait, they had you write down your lead-ins.

I understand. Okay, so. So if you had a joke about clouds. Let's say I'm doing a joke about doing coke with the cats. Okay. Or that. So I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that I go.

Let's talk about my cats. And let's talk about sleep apnea. Okay? And they go, nah, it's okay. And he'd go, you could still get it, but we don't need it right now.

And he'd go, so this weekend, we have a very funny guy here at the fucking copper kettle, you know, because I would always play those Crooms. And then the guy, you know, Joey Cocoa Dia is very interesting.

We also have the Green Bay Packers are in town. And then he would go like, well, and also, so Joey, what do you think about cats? And it would sound horrific. Because nobody was talking about fucking cats, stupid. In fact, we weren't even talking about anything remotely close to fucking cats. You know, it was shit like that. When you watch Byron Allen on the sports show at 1 a.m. that comes on at 2 a.m. There's a reason why they put it on at 2 a.m.

It's because of the segways. I understand. I understand comics need money and comics need stage time in a forum But I couldn't amount Like I had one of the worst club owners Go off on me one time about that But I didn't talk about what I gave the guy

The guy goes, the guy was throwing you Your material, you weren't doing it I go because my fucking material's dirty I thought I was coming to need to talk And tell him about myself and sell myself That's how you sell tickets No, we're here at this club We want you to do material on the rate

It was fucking horribly. That's a Byron Allen. It's the most unorganic thing you've ever seen in your life. So how long have you been taking pictures for? Well, I mean, it's been... Six and seven years. Yeah, yeah, about six, seven years. But, yeah, the last, like, the last four years...

So what happened the last time you photographed sheep? And you're like... I would, uh, I think that... I hate sheep. I went to... I went to anybody here from... Oh, yeah. Let me change it.

That's how he would throw it in. If you watch tonight, stay up Monday night and watch whatever the show it's called, Byron Allen. So they would take the thing, you say, how long, four to five years? And the person will go, yes, four or five years. And which reminds me, my mother-in-law, she's, you know, she's always doing, like, is that how they do it? They're, like, doing the weird segues? When you have an inexperienced MC or an inexperienced DJ, whatever they want to call themselves, they don't have the state's time. They're not really wordsmiths

You follow me You know I'm not a wordsmith But I learn how to put words in certain places Lee telling me you the other night Lee goes You had a good set but you said retard a couple times too many That's a wordsmith That's somebody who goes and listens to that tape And he goes you were right

In fact there I should use Emotionally challenged There I should use mentally challenged You follow me That's a word smith So you don't say it twice. Why would I say fuck on this joke where it really hits on

this joke? I'll say something different on this joke. You know, if you work with some comedy writers like Willie Barcena, I love Willie. You'll die. Because he breaks it down to the tea. So you're ending about a musical album

and then he'll put a word at the end of that bit to make it go in. So when you shoot your special, you have six things to hit and they'll come to you. He's telling me on the show last week, how he goes by feeling, just like actors. He doesn't want you to recite the material. He wants you to remember the feelings you have when you say those material.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, that makes sense. That's it. And I thought about it. I went up there and did sets with him Friday night. My first set was horrendous, horrendously bad. I got people to laugh, but I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. My second set, because I thought about what he said,

I want you to put yourself there. And I want you to do 20 minutes on whatever you. you go and it was perfect i haven't listened to the tape we're gonna meet tomorrow to listen to the tape he's got notes the whole fuck so you're going all you're going by feeling as you're going through it why not yeah the times i do better is when i go to the com you're still in the back and you got to follow a fucking uh what's his name that i told you was there last night from america's funniest comics oh the good-looking kid i forgot the blonde kid and rogan and red fit simmons and all of sudden you got to go up there you got outdo these guys so sometimes i trick them with energy it's that

anger mixed with energy that really gets their attention gets them fucking hop in their chairs that's what gets people but boom that that's why i got to take them for the special i love i love watching you walk on the problem is right it's it's taken nobody's going to do it for 50 60 minutes yeah so i got to find a strategy just like connor mcgregor did against diaz you follow me back him off for eight take him in for 12 fucking throw a rant at him right Lee pull it back for eight take him into something else and then close on a fucking rant that gets everybody's hair going up and that's it that's the strategy that you go into these specials I never want to do anything like this well because you like being organized and you in theory could organize your special by the minute oh yeah no no Lee I could organize all that stuff it's required something that I've never put into comedy. Work. Work.

You don't want to sit down. I've always been a very lazy comedian, and that's why I got lazy results for 15 and 16 years. It wasn't until I put the little extra effort in it. And now what I'm doing with Willie, really, you know, when you work with these guys at a wordsmith, it's not that they give you jokes, it's that they teach you how to come up with more jokes for that topic.

before Willie Willie will you do an hour special and talk about two things and you're like wow he beat that for 28 minutes apiece yeah he beat those fucking jokes you know what's going on there there's noises up above

you hear yeah that just sounds like somebody walking or a water tank possibly breaking it's definitely the water tank saloon cuckers how you like me now we gotta wake this podcast up

see that's how you restore energy there you go you got energy back and give a little bomb on people they come back they come back with laughs right now Lisa has an anxiety attack

he can't wait to see what my ass I just don't want to smell it I'm just rolling I'm breathing into my mouth and out of my nose sure you are you're doing the opposite bullies

yeah I'm doing I'm undoing anti-bullies. Oh, my God. I just, all I had to do is bring a candle a little closer. Yeah, you burned it off for it got to me. No, you brought the candle a clutch and it smelled good, so I wanted to breathe in with my nose. God, damn it. Oh, my God.

I'm happy you came on, Troy Conrad. Hey, I'm honored you have me. Oh, so the joke. I fucking love you guys. The joke when the, the joke that you said to me that one night that I had forgotten, I said it, I had, I was just on a fucking energy tear. Up on stage. It was a Thursday or Tuesday night.

And Lee was there. And I don't know what made me. I said, I walked into that room and all that was was was blood and feathers. Blood and feathers. Oh, you haven't been doing that? No. Oh, my God, man. I think I did it on the last CD.

Oh. Did I have to check. I mean, the visuals. Like, you're a painter up there. So you're painting this picture for everybody. And it's amazing. But you can see the reaction of people. Like, when you paint something that visual.

Everyone gets, it's in their body. Like, they jump and they, it's so great to see that. And you do that all the time. So I'm glad that that helped because I, when I watch you afterwards, I got, your, your bits are floating around my head. Like, I'm laughing all night because, like, I can't get that picture out of my head. When you said it back to me, I couldn't even walk to the car. I was laughing so hard.

Oh, that's amazing. Because I didn't feel what I said when I came out. But it was true. It was blood and feathers. And you said it to me. You go, blood and feathers, really joey. And I was like, oh, my God, that's terrible. I forgot all about that, Troy Conrad.

I go, that was my favorite part of the joke. So bad. I go, it's such a bad joke. It's fucking good. I'm laughing my ass out to the car. And that's what, you know, you're a fan. Listen, there's nothing. It doesn't bother me, but I can't figure out why people do it.

What's that? What happened? Today, today I was. in Jitsu. I'm sitting there. I'm breathing. I take my gie off. I'm about to take my fucking pants off and my knee pads. And I look up and this kid looks over and he walks over and he goes, hey man, I just want to thank you for the podcast. Blah, blah, blah, blah. How's Lee doing? You know, there's people that talk to me and I could tell that if they listen to the podcast one time or if they listen to the podcast, it's so weird. Yeah, yeah. I could, they come up to

You differently. Yeah, some guy came up to me at the ice house. How's Lee doing with that Mexican chick, bro? She's smacking him around yet, bro. And we were laughing our asses off. That's amazing. She's going to fuck him up, bro. My friend, he dates a little chubby Jewish guy too, bro.

She fucks him up, bro. We would die, and I was at the ice house dying. Oh, my God. You know, when people know that much about your personal life, they're involved. And you always come up to me and go, hey, man, that episode you did with that guy. And sometimes you're the one that says, I'm behind two episodes, but I did listen to the Rudy Sawd, and I'm like, this guy's really listening to it.

Sometimes you don't think you're doing a good job, or sometimes me and me coming here. Listen, not all the podcasts can be knowledgeable. Not all of them can be very funny. There's some podcasts that you do in here, but sometimes there's always a message with the podcast, so you at least get that to me. That's the most important thing. And today is that, and I got to tell you something, because you were talking about it, I've been here for 20 years next year.

And I've seen people come and go. And I've seen people come and go for the worst excuses in the fucking world. And I always look at myself. I lived in a car. I took showers in the main room. You do know that, right? Oh, I didn't know. I used to go there at fucking 8.30 before the show started at 9.

I'd run back there with a black bag and just shower, wash my balls, powder myself, put gel in my hair, take a shit. They had the great bathroom in the back right behind the main room. The whole time you're washing, you're scared because a ghost is going. gotta fuck you in the ass you have no fucking idea when you're taking a shower at the comedy store i did that every night like you had to go in there on the dot because i had to be out of there by the time the main room started and there was always the black night on tuesday nights you had something in there on wednesdays you had some in there on Fridays and Saturdays so i had to look at the schedule a lot

of time before i went up there sometimes i go up to 830 and take a shower for an hour and take my time and singing the shower it was amazing i think back at those times i took showers at the comedy store. In the daytime, we'd take him with Josh Wolf's house in the morning. But at night, his girlfriend would be there, the kids, I couldn't take a shower in their house.

I would go over to the comedy store and just stay there the rest of the night. Wow. But my point being that there was a generation of comics I came up with that came out here and I saw them leave one by one.

And each of them had an excuse. Until this day, I like them, whatever. If I see him, I give them a hug, but it's like I lost respect for them. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You didn't like doing comedy? Like, we were talking about Mick

Bettencourt anymore. Mick call me a day. We had an hour conversation. Wow. And he goes, I just don't let you know. And it's not that you're quitting. It's that you took it out of your itinerary to do something else. Yeah. And that's a beautiful thing. Those guys are just quit, now they've got to, now they're still doing

comedy in shitholes. And They're saying that you have to be gay to live in LA that they would do successful sucks dick. Oh, there's a thousand of comics out there that'll tell you that because they used to tell me to my face when I was a feature act and I'd work those little B-rooms. They would tell them. I used to do spots at the Laugh Factory.

I wouldn't suck Jamie's dick, really? Jamie's gay. Stop. He's 60. He just had a fucking kid and he's gay because what are you, a fat fucking magician. Get the fuck out of here. But you and my friend got a lot of respect from me.

I think people needed to know about you I think people I saw your Montreal pictures from Felicia I think you do great work And like I said Most people take a picture of me I'm still a fat ugly dude When you take a picture of me

I see the third thing I see that there I see a little bit of character In your pictures Yeah well look it's taking a picture of you as you are And it's also I like to mix in Who you are and who you want to be

Like that's kind of the point And that's why those pictures Those hallway pictures they're surrounded by all the headshots from all these comics. And it's like if you look at it this way, I look at it like those comics are propelling that person forward. You know, like the next generation, they're pushing them up in front lines.

Your turn, you know? And everybody that performs in that original room, they had to earn that shit to get there. And when they go on stage, it is something special. Like they walk up knowing like, hey, I'm a fucking paid regular. Like, there's such a pride in that at the store. It's a really cool thing to see that. and that everyone can count on that when you go there you go you know people going to not no one's

going to walk and go huh hold on i got a let me check my my clipboard and no no no you like people are going up there and set themselves on fire right hey dog one of the i'm a high school drop out i'm a felon i'm a divorce say i got a kid i don't talk to i got a new kid i got a wife my got my life together and i got to tell you are the things i don't have the one thing i do have is that all these comics could suck my dick is that I'm a fucking mid-sie show

or paid regular I mean she made me that's in my world guys that's like fucking Carlo Gambino putting you into the fucking into the Gotti family whatever that is

the Gambino crime family there was no bullshit there was no tape there was no assistant I went up there I did three I came back to the next week and did 10

and that bitch made me a regular and knocked the air out of me and my life has changed ever since no matter how. how I feel about it, no matter how she feels, and she's Jewish. So you know my admiration.

It goes all the way back to fucking Israel with these motherfuckers. If it wasn't for a Jew, I wouldn't be here. You know what I'm saying? If it wasn't for a Jew, in every angle, I wouldn't be here. A Jew wouldn't have killed Jesus. Jesus wouldn't have got a second fucking sequel. If Jews are that... You're going to give me the paperwork?

You're going to sit till I got a dozen butts. Let's do this. I'll go do some butts. How many more stars do you want to eat tonight? Pick a number, cock-sucker. 17. Two more? What we got in there?

These are strong stars. How many milligrams are in a store? 1.25, these things. Oh, you're kidding me. Yeah, you're going deep to line for the murky waters of the underworld. Yeah, yeah. And we've had what? All right.

So I, like, I'm the ultimate lightweight. Like, I feel 10, like, no problem. Oh, yeah. You're going to feel this right up to bed here. I feel 10, so this is. We're going to end with eating two. Two more. Two more.

Jesus, what the fuck? So what is this? 14? Whatever. Who gives a fuck? I would be high for a week with just what's what Lee's him so far. You're not going to take me to Popeye's chicken. Not you.

Me, cock-sucking, because I love you. You never take me the Popeye's chicken. I'm going to take you tomorrow. Because I love you, you shit. You want another star? No, I got it. I still got a little bit of star left. You got the motorcycle?

What do you got out there? What's that? Oh, no, I got the car. I got the wheels. But look, I can take an Uber if this thing kicks in. Like, I think it might. Okay. Worst thing happens.

Take a walk. Take a walk down, Burbank. You live in Burbank. Yeah, you're on a lot of time. You'll be back in a lot. Take a walk on channel. See where they face. What's family?

Lee's making noises over there. Like half my stomach is Jello now from this fucking... It's a lot of Jellas star. You like Jellos. Somebody sent me a tape. I got to send it here on the show. I can't believe his name. David.

He sent the tape on the podcast with Lee on the mushrooms. And he just took all the voices and just put all the leaves. sound effects from that podcast on a fucking 35 minute. I love it. Was that online? Can we watch, can we see? Listen to that? Email me on the church podcast door.

Oh my God. I got to hear that. So I got to try how to send it to my email and it was too big. So look at Paul Lee. Listen, he's playing the fucking trumpet over there. Let me tell you. There was an episode where I've never laughed so hard at anything. I actually had to like edit a recording of it to listen to it

a bunch of times where Lee would was so high. It was the night you guys were talking about the left turns were banned on Hollywood because that cut out people from getting hookers. Right. And this was where Lee was so high, this was the most beautiful moment. And you're talking about, you're like, yeah, they cut this off, so now you couldn't turn left and get a hooker. And Lee forgot that he didn't have anything at stake.

Like, he wasn't going to get hookers. So he was so high that he didn't realize that. And he goes, those motherfuckers. He was so legitimately angry. I've never in my life left. hard he was like mother fuck it's the greatest extra be everybody's ringtone oh lee lee's a fucking bill i love it i love i love getting that high and and that's and i get high envy out of you leeks i don't know how to get to that safely oh it's taking years and years of training oh he's a superstar you know you know what i'm the other day i remembered something

lee went to a jiu jitut tournament lee gave him the chance He went with a ripped gie. He had to roll up his pants because the ghee was too long for him. I had Paul's mom stitch it up. We actually, you know, my agents always ask me, when are they going to put together like a web series? And I'm like, listen, I have no web series for you. What I have is the educational lease I had.

That's all I have for you. A kid that was a sweet kid. He believed in society. He believed in life. He thought everybody was nice. And now This guy had a Vietnam vet that was a cleaning The woman, you know

I mean he had some guy from the wall Cleaning his house This guy made a bed for a hooker one night We told him a hookah was on his way up And I go, it took his lung He goes, I had to make the bed Who makes the bed for the hookah? This is how nice to say

What is your leg on? When nasty unmade bed? Who gives a fuck? Yeah, I'm here by it. People are fucked in the back of a car You know what I'm saying? With AIDS on the backseat and shit I treat him with class, those hundreds of things.

Yeah, class, you fucking big dummy, what I'm going to do with you? You over there, you come in their mouth and you swap spit with them shit. You filthy fucking animal. That's how you get your resistance up. To what? To fuck. See, nothing happens to you. It's like a polio vaccine.

Yeah, it's like, listen. You're talking about, like, immune to stuff? You come in a prostitute's mouth and you swap, spit with a, and call it like a dirty Louis. Look, it, you go to Miami and you go to Miami and you. jump around for an hour. Those Zika mosquitoes won't... What happens if you don't survive with the Dirty Louie?

What happens if you don't come? Everybody survives a Dirty Lurie. It's always going to be collateral damage. You fucking on come nils it out. You know what I'm saying? It's like... No, if you've gotten to the point of needing a Dirty Louie,

you haven't had, like, a woman get come out of you for a while, so it's going to be like a really, like, old one. So what is this? Is this Jeopardy now? Why do you always have to turn something into Dirty old? You're the one who made it a Dirty Louie.

Dirty Louie. I don't know what he's a sweet person. I don't know what a Dirty Louis is. I didn't know what Dirty Louis is, but I, I mean, I, I sort of know now. Well, I'm happy that you know. I love it. Did you name it that? Yeah, it's a Dirty Louie.

It's got to be, last guy in the way. That would that be a thing. Louis over on the second street park. He used to get hookers coming out to make out with him. And he grew where he always told me I had the sword throw. What do you think? you swap and spit with fucking hookers. They suck 18 dicks a week.

And you want to go over there and fucking, you tell them you love them. He's like, no, I come in their mouth, then I make out with them. Why would you do something like that? Some people's fucking kids. Anyway, this show is brought to you by texture. Oh, my God.

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No Rolling Stone. Sorry. Yeah, Rolling Stone. I knew I see it in here. They got Runners World. They got Shaped Magazine. They got Shutterbug. They got New York Magazine.

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Plus, you can share your subscription with the whole family. So why fuck around? You know what I'm saying? That's number one, Lee. I'm so glad they had Rolling Stone, too. Like, that was, I was actually going to be bummed out if they did not have it, and they got it,

and it's a great, it sounds like a great one. Well, you know what? I'm happy you fucking like it. You know what I'm saying? Maybe you'll go home in order, put it on your things now. Maybe we'll get you your own bagers. I don't fucking know.

Put on the device. Right. Why are you throwing me off here? You know, I'm having problems here. All the time. Listen, not all ingredients are created equal. Fresh, high quality ingredients taste better and are better for you. So it's important to know where your food comes from.

Talk about your, you know, when you go to McDonald's, they don't tell you where your food comes from. They just give you a burger that smells like a foot and you're stone, so you take it and go eat it. Listen, all I know is this. My man Lee Syatt's been on Blue Apron now. How many pounds have you lost? I've lost like 12.

I haven't looked in the past week, but it's been amazing. Dude, I love Blue Apron. And what did you cook? Okay. So we cooked a bunch of stuff recently. We cooked these beef, cassidias, which, like, I used to put only cheese in cassidias, but we made this, like, really great beef.

What else did we make? I made this roast pork. They're called Porchetta sandwiches, and they had this kale, like Parmesan, Ioli. How many times? How many meals do you have a week with Blue Apron? You get three recipes with two servings on the two-person plan. That's when I'm on. They have, like, the family plan, which gets more, which if and when Paula moves in,

we'll probably get that one, because it's a lot more meals. Because it's great. They, like, they literally, so it's great because, like, you're learning. So they, they always, like, lighten it up a little bit. But they, like, put one clove of garlic. I'm always like, oh, I'm going to put, like, three cloves of garlic in here. But it's cool because we made, like, we made, like, this, we made this pasta. That's what we made.

We made this basil pasta with chicken, and we made the sauce for it. And like with the whole tomato, the tomato paste and the tomatoes and everything. And we like, it's just cool to learn how to do it because they make the instructions really easy. Like, so the trick I learned is they haven't set for like people who like maybe like want to go to culinary school. So they're like, okay, so well this is going, cut this. I can't do that. I'm kind of slow. So I do all the prep first.

And then I just look through and I look because sometimes they'll say grab some water. So the only thing they don't give you is like water oil and everything. Put an oil and pepper, you said, right? Yeah, so that's it. So I'll get everything I need, and most things take under an hour to do the whole thing. It's great. And that low calorie? Yeah, I think it's, I think it probably says there it's between 5 and 700 calories a meal, most of them.

Well, I'll tell you what. You get all this for less than $10 per meal, and beauty of it, Blue Apron delivers the recipes along with the preportioning ingredients to make your delicious home-cooked meal. Blue Apron knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals, so they set the highest quality standards for their community, suppliers, family-run farms, fisheries, and ranchers. Whether it's a Japanese ramen noodles or the wild-caught Alaskan salmon or the heirloom tomato. Blue Apron is bringing you the best, okay? New recipes are created weekly, and they're not repeated within a year. So you choose your meals from a variety of recipes, or,

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com. That's your fucking numbers for the night. All right. I love you guys. We'll see you again Wednesday night. I want to thank Troy Conrad, a dear friend. I love you, Debt. I love you.

Where can they find you, Troy Conrad? He find me on Instagram, Troy Conrad's, with an S on the end, everything else, just my name. He looks at pick. He's got great pictures on there. Every night, setless show. Interesting guy. That's why I had a money. Have a great fucking Monday.

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