The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #411 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with Liz Carmouche

Episode Date: September 8, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about growing up spoiled, Hot Wheels, and Joey gives advice to open mic comedians. Liz Carmouche, Current UFC fighter who fought Ronda Rousey for the Bantamweight belt, calls in to talk to Joey about her upcoming match in EBI 8 on September 11, 2016.  This podcast is brought to you by: Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get $20 off of your first order of wine curated just for you and Club W will pay for the shipping on orders of four bottles or more.    Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order.   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.      Recorded live on 09/07/2016.
  

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Hello my mic. Oh shit. Wednesday, the 7th of September. The day the devil was buried in sea, raped, gang raped, dropped off at Cosby's house, everything. It's the church of what's happening now, cocksuckers. Fucking tremendous. 1987.

Slippery when fucking fucking. and wet. Just tremendous. I'm not a big Bon Jovi guy. I hear he's a very nice guy. I was just going to ask, because it doesn't seem like something that you'd be into, but I was wondering if it was because, like,

Springsteen has Jersey and stuff, but isn't Bon Jovi from, like, Philly? No, Bon Jovi is from Sayerville, New Jersey. And, you know, when I lived back there in the early 80s, he would play at a bar. He would play that Jersey circuit. And I had heard of them, but I'd never seen them, you know, like nothing like that. Then when I went back, I think I saw them.

I walked out of Twits assistant. It was like this little click, sticky fingers. They were like a stone's cover band at the time before I left Jersey when I was younger. And that was it. And then when I got to Colorado, the album was out in 87. and it was fucking tremendous. Like the impact, I wasn't really a big fan of the whole album. Right.

But I was a fan of that song for some reason. Then they had it on Miami Vice with Willie Nelson, and I lost my fucking mind. You know what I'm saying? We were talking about something early on. Kill my mic a little bit. It's too hot. It's too hot.

Both of the mics are too hot. There you go. I can just turn your headphones now. No, that's okay. Both of the fucking things are too hot. We were talking about being spoiled. You were talking about a friend of ours. Right.

That we know what the comedy store. and some of his attitudes that he shares and his beliefs. And Lee was telling me he couldn't fucking believe it. And I told Lee that before my mother died, that was me. I mean, horribly. Oh, and I was spoiled, too. Horrible. It's just as a level of it.

I did my own laundry. I had to go to shop right myself. I had to pay the phone bill. She would give me money for the phone bill and the other bills she had to pay. I had errands. I had errands. But early on, I was horrifically spoiled. I mean, the behavior I showed out even when I was 10 towards my uncle was horrible.

The behavior I had in Miami was horrible. And it's weird because you talked about your mom being really strict in certain ways. And my mom, like, I was spoiled, but I think maybe the reason why I never, and I'm sure I did act spoiled at some points. But I think the reason why I don't a lot is because, like, they would, like, they wouldn't stand for it. I never really got hit that much, but they wouldn't stand for you being like that.

I did all that type of shit. I was forced to work. It was a different type of spoilage until about 10. I was very spoiled. And like, you know, when I was five or something, I would order chicken delight. And she's like, you're not going to cook,

you're not going to eat dinner. I just made this. No, I'm going to cook chicken delight. And she allowed it. So it went on for like a year. I just got my own dinner every day. And five. At five, first grade, second grade in New York City.

It had to be before I went to Jersey in the third grade, before I went to Catholic school. For a year, I just ordered chicken delight with my own money. Three pieces of chicken, the bun, the jelly thing with the French fries and shit. And they deliver to you? Yeah, and I get Tahitian drink. You ever see that soda? Tahitian, it's in a fucking can. It's made by Coke or Pepsi.

Okay, no, I haven't seen it. It's like a fruit punch with bubble. A Hawaiian punch? No, there's Hawaiian puns. Okay. Look it up, Tahitian something. Okay. But I tell you what, okay, so by, to the age of 10, I had that kid's spoilage.

But then something happened when I was 10 or 11. I started becoming a little klepto. And I started clipping one's money. Tahitian treat. Tahitian treat. Told you, it was delicious. I used to switch up. It was either that or ginger ale.

Oh, yeah, ginger ale, whatever the fuck it is. but the one Canada dry. I'm a Canada drive guy. When you show up with Schweps, I have a fucking heart attack, all right? When I see Schwepps behind a bar, I'm done. I go home. I don't want to see Schweps.

Canada Dry Club, Canada Dry fucking Ginger Rail, and Canada Dry Tonic ain't fucking bad either. It tastes like Dick anyways, but at least it got more bubbles than regular fucking tonic. Canada Dry is the only shit I taste. That's it. I hate that other fucking Schweps and other stuff. Now they got like a little sugar gingerail on the fucking plant.

It's not bad. I'll blast that out from time to time with the fucking doers or something. Yeah, you got to have ginger ale. And my drink for a while was ginger ale and Amaretto. It's like the sweetest thing you could ever drink. Yeah, but don't do nothing to tell you. I need something to put a fucking clink in my fucking army. You know what I'm saying?

That's crazy that you said that. What? I tried to like, I tried to like drink the other night instead of smoking. Like, just to hang out with some friends. I couldn't get drunk. I had three fucking beers. And I was full. I couldn't drink anymore.

No, you got to go back to the fucking whiskeys you were drinking. Yeah, I got to go, I guess. That's what you need is more beer in your fucking life. But by the time I was 11ly, I got a different type of spoilage. And this is the worst one. It's the spoilage mixed with, what's that word when somebody knows nothing, but they don't want to come to terms of it? Whatever the fuck it is.

I don't know. There's a word for that. Okay. Like my mom would really be. believe that I wasn't doing this shit. Oh. Denial. Yeah. She was in denial. And here she is in denial, and I'm fucking going even crazy.

Because she's telling Juan, no, he couldn't have taken that fucking $8,000. Yes, I did in 20s and 40s. You took, oh, my God. You know, I was killing him. I found all his little stashbots where he had that bail money, he had that fucking other. And by this time, him and I were not seeing that I at eye by the time. By the time I came home and I was at McKinley, him and I were not seeing night-eye. How long did it take you to take $8,000?

Two or three months. I was buying bicycles and mini-bikes and selling many bikes and wheeling and dealing. No drugs at the time. Basketball clamps and sneakers and t-shirts and dinners and hamburg. So you weren't being like sneaky about him. No, I was mugging him. And if it wasn't that, he had this change jar filled with silver dollars. I was mugging him on the silver dollars.

And then it was very simple. sad. It's who I. It was very fucking sad. And my mom sat through this and I would wake up and I wanted to hear him saying, you have to do something with him. This is not, this is not, it's not kosher.

And my mom would say, how come this doesn't never happen to me? How come I don't miss nothing? And that's what he argued. Because you're his mother. He's not going to take it from me. He's going to take it from me and shit. And my mom would say, I'm telling you. He would not take it from me. This one on

for years. Then the drugs came on. And he would tell my mom, I smell the marijuana the house. And she would go, it's maybe the shit that was downstairs. It was me. I live with this shit today. But that whole, I'm not going to eat. Like the last month of her life after I got sick was where she sat me down and said everything's changed. You're going to eat here every night? And I can see the pain in her face. So I went along with it. You're going to be here every night at 60. I'm going to start doing stuff with you more. You know, it was like, but it was too late.

I was already raised in my own way. I was already raising myself. So, but then you change somehow. Well, when she died. Oh, okay. There was no more rooms with air conditioning and cable TV. Nobody was going to just give me a $30 bill. Nobody was going to bring me food to my room.

All that shit went out of my life. there was no more didn't you go to work today oh no there was nobody there and all that shit went out of my life I had no time to be spoiled if somebody offered me a room in a fucking basement next to a dead rat I had to take it yeah so all that spoil is like all that

I'm allergic to carrots and you know I can only sleep in air conditioning I came to a fucking halt my friend but I laugh at these people that have all these diseases and I think what happens is a person goes to jail they'll die Because they don't give a fuck. They don't?

They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. You're going to find out that you can do just well without the inhaler. And them cigarettes, you're going to be just flying without them. And anything else you think you depend on. Like if I went to jail tomorrow, it would be a week and a half before I got to sleep at me the machine. Fuck. That's scary.

It's scary, yes. But then do you have an issue now, like since you had to deprive yourself throughout those years? and now like you just moved into a house, like does any of that stuff? Like is it hard to like switch back now? No. No? No.

Okay. No. I'm still that because I know how fast it all disappears. I witness something that a lot of people don't witness in their life. I witnessed a rise in the fall. And I looked at why the reasons of the fall were. And they always had to do with greed. They always have to do with stupid greed you don't see.

You think that the golden cow is not. never going to stop. It's going to stop. It's going to eventually come to a crash. That's a reality I know already. What do you think I don't go on the road every week? What do you think I don't put videos up all day? Because the quicker I do that is the quicker of my demise. Right. Yeah. You follow me? So I'd rather be where I am right now, do two weeks a month. I don't bother nobody. I made a mistake over money a couple weeks ago. Now I'm paying for it when I canceled Nashville and took that stupid fucking oddball tour.

You follow me? I made a bad decision that I would never make that under the circumstances. I'm a firm believer when you're going in with it. If you like New England on Sunday, you better bet New England on... If you like New England on Monday, you better bet him on Sunday. Don't tell me New England all week and like Joey Diaz

talk you into betting fucking the Jets because he's an asshole and you're a bigger asshole for listening to him. You know everything about New England. Why would I fucking talk... You follow him saying to you? Never let somebody talk you out of your original. plan. It's a 50-50 toss-up. Sometimes somebody, like in Narcos, they told the two

DEA agents to stay back and then they blew up fucking Korea. So it's always, you follow me? Sometimes it works in your favor. But if you believe in something, like I was headed to Nashville to see my niece. Also, they call me and they throw this extra money at me that I can't use. I really don't give a fuck about it. I really don't give a fuck about it. I'm content in my life. and look at what kaput. So now I'm prepared for the next 10 years again because I wouldn't have done that 10 years. You follow what I'm saying?

Yeah. I think I made that mistake a lot when I would leave a job too early. Like if I was like if I got offered a job somewhere else, I did that a couple times where I got offered a job and like one time on Hell's Kitchen they were like, okay, the show's ending.

You can start looking for jobs and I got one right away. And I didn't get called back for the next season of Hell's Kitchen. And I was kind of bummed. I was like, maybe I should stay to the end. Like, it's, I feel that people do jump ship too early. Well, we either jump ship or we see our eyes get bigger than our fucking stomach. You know, whatever that expression is.

And in my world, it really didn't matter because I knew I had to pay for my own plane tickets, my own bus rides. All that shit comes out of your pocket. And trust me, that shit adds up. Luggage $20. Luggets $20 spares. You know, getting a cab with Tom Seguer and the other guy, and next thing you know, it's an $80 cab ride.

We don't know where you're going. You don't know where you're going? You don't know if the hotel's fucking 40 minutes from that fucking airport. Here you are budgeting $2.50, and you get to there's $64 a pete. So I know there's a thousand by the ways on the road. Generally, people don't know this shit.

I know this because I travel. I know that a little cup of water is $8 on a fucking, in the terminal. You can't believe your pain fucking fought 375 for a little thing of water. You can't believe it. I won't. You can't believe it. But what are you going to do?

Diet Thursday. You get on the plane? Fuck yeah. Oh, fuck that. Oh, yeah. I don't do that. I get lightheaded.

I need water. But, you know, they robbed you from A to fucking Z. Oh, it's terrible. So I knew, you know, you go for a fucking donut. It's 425. How can a fucking donut, a dunk and donut before 25? You know, just shit like that that regular people don't think about. I see it all.

They get surprised. Now, can you believe them? The hotel lobby wanted $6 for a cup of coffee. Fuck, yeah, I do believe it. That's the way it is, bitch. That's the way it is, bitch. What about, like, room service menus? Those are always, and then they add tip to it?

No, room service, listen, room service will murder you quicker than fucking, you know, heroin. Room service will fucking bury you, Jack. Because when you look at room service, the check when it comes, you almost die. All you see is 1695 for those eggs. And that's a lot. And when it comes up to the fucking thing, they had 22%. Plus, like, three bucks. A $3 fee plus $6 for the waiter.

And you sit there and going, oh, my God, I just pay $41 for two eggs, three pieces of bacon and two pieces of wheat toast. Am I fucking nuts? Am I fucking nuts? Every time Paul and I go away, we're like, we're going to get room service this time. And like the most we ever do is like a dessert. because we both look at each other. We're like, we can't, how are we going to spend $23 on eggs?

Or like $60 on chicken harm? People have no reality of what. Some people do. I have friends that we discuss when you go out, what's going on, because they travel for a living. It's not necessarily comics. One guy's an attorney, I always talked to. He was in St. Louis. And he goes, he calls me.

And he goes, I don't know how to fucking do it. And I've been doing a lot longer than you. So I know the curve balls, you know, where you get water, where you could do a thousand things for free. And if not just start shoplifting. Just start shoplifting at the airport. Mingle. I'm worried about airport jail, though. Pay for the fucking magazine, but steal the water.

You know what I'm saying? Pay for the newspaper. They want $3 for a New York Post at L.A. time at L.A.X. Yeah. They want $3 for a fucking daily news at L.A.X. You can't do that. Fuck that shit. I just put it under my arm and may believe I brought it.

It's brand fucking new. What's the minute? You getting anxiety? I'm getting anxiety about, because I have people with guns there. I don't, I would never steal it. You're going to get shot by,

for shopliftingly. I don't know. You're almost worse than my fucking wife. You know that? You're going to get shot for shoplifting. Are you fucking crazy? I don't mean to get a shot, but I also,

what am I going to do, call you and be like, hey, I didn't make it back from Boston this time. Listen, dog, when you get caught shop and there's a thousand outs. First of all,

you start eating in the fucking store. You just pick it up like it's yours. And then you start eating it? You know, when I used to fucking fly and I would sit back, like, I was the type of guy I would sit in the airport all day, just getting free plane tickets. Like, I'm that month. Because I knew on Southwest, I could use all those.

So I would sit there all fucking day, and I'd watch people. And I'd go, look how people, how dumb people are. When people order those coffees, I watch what coffee they'd order. And they'd be talking, shit, and I'd clip the fucking coffee. You would not steal someone's order. I don't give a fuck. 16 years ago, 17, 18 years. I don't think your, I don't think your name was Diane.

They never got me. They never got me. I wait for a guy with his girlfriend that was a love eating shit, looking around, kissing why he's telling me he's love him. I'm drinking his mocha latte. Fuck him. You got to pay attention. You got to fucking pay attention.

You do. So if you don't pay attention, there's a thousand people like me at that time. That would clip you. They'll fucking clip you in the side of your wallet's half hanging out. There's people who take it and give it to you. but there's people who bump into it and wait for that while at the floor and they put their foot on it and stand there like they're looking like a bird or something

Jesus I've I watched this video these this guy did about like the car theft in Newark and they said like any like any if they always look for people who were looking at their phone and like a parking lot or something and I always did that so I had I stopped because it scared the shit rule number one once you're walking put that fucking phone away put that fucking phone away if you're walking

put that fucking phone away I don't that phone's in my pocket when I'm walking on silent I don't want to hear from nobody if I'm fucking walking if I'm walking I'm looking around I'm observing the fucking trees we've had this fucking discussion oh right no I was talking about in the car

like if you're sitting in like waiting at like a light or something crazy like that you're always looking dog put that fucking phone away every day somebody gets killed because some jerkos on the phone you want to look to see you text you who gives a fuck you know if you're driving and somebody calls you and they can tell you the same shit they're going to tell you in 20 minutes call them back in 20 minutes.

Don't even answer the phone. You're driving. With your luck, you pull over, you stop at the light, you pick it up in a motorcycle cop and drop next to you and go pull over. I wasn't even on the phone. You looked at your fucking phone. In Burbank, they'll give you a ticket for looking at your phone. How do you think I know? Because I got one.

I'm one of those assholes. Just looking at it because remember my clock and the Subaru keeps moving? Right, yeah. I looked at the clock on the phone. The guy tapped next to me. God damn it. that and enough this is a little bit off topic but it's about the cars I was I was driving around the other day are that like there's kids taking ubers now which is crazy to me when they get molested

you know the last eight fucking months every once a month there's a problem with a fucking Uber driver yeah and I heard that Uber pays people off and covers it up so the Uber name I don't fucking know now you want to put your kid in the fucking what I tell you about this area up here these parents are raising kids you know just ready to go down Now, ready to fucking go down. You're not doing the kid no favor. If he's got an Uber, he's got a fucking cell phone, he's got the whole credit card,

or maybe they put it on his credit card, whatever the fuck. You never know what these fucking people are doing. Uber. Why is he Ubering? Because you don't want to give him a right to fucking school. Oh my God. What a soccer practice.

You don't want to give him a right to soccer practice because you're busy in yoga classes. This area would do that. Oh, yeah. This area up here where we podcast up here. two, three miles north from here. It's amazing. I would go to that fucking YMCA

and see parents sitting there while the Mexican nanny was in the pool with the child. Those are the same parents that one day I'll be looking at each other. Why do you murder all those girls? Because you didn't jump in the fucking bull with him, you stupid motherfucker.

He knew you had no investment in him. You couldn't even jump in the fucking pool. I see it at the parks when I go with mercy. I see it all the time. And it breaks my fucking heart. 22 white kids, It's 22 Mexican nannies. We walk up there like strangers.

Like people look at us. Like, why are you guys here? Don't you have a nanny? Like a tip to have a fucking nanny. When I was growing up, it was called an opair. And I was in awe. I couldn't believe because my mom, and we spoke about it today. She kind of regrets not going back to work, maybe when I got into middle school or something because it had hurt her now.

But she was always home. And I couldn't even wrap my head around that your family would hire someone to be a permanent babysitter. Okay. So let's say you, Paul is working. Right. They made her a partner. Okay. In today's world, when you're an attorney, you've got to have the balls of a man.

I hate to say that. Oh, yeah. Because they don't stop for nobody. They don't stop. When it's a big time, you know, a law agency. From you. You snooze, you lose. You snooze, you lose.

So that maternity leave, she's going to be working. Not a lot from the house finishing up what she started. She still has to call on every day because if she just disappears for six weeks, by the time she comes back, she's a fucking dinosaur. Right. You have to assume that. You have to think that way, especially in law. And I get that.

I understand that the parents are busy. Like, I'm not saying. You have a job by this time. Hopefully you have a couple of your shops open. We'll still be doing a podcast. You're busy. You're making a little money. I get it.

I get it. Worst case scenario, you fly mom out here or you get fucking the mother-in-law. You're looking great. Come on. You can babysit. You cook all day. Watch the telemundo and raise the kid. You've raised three of them.

I got all my great judgment in you. I'll come home at one after I finish with Joey and take him for an hour. You follow me? There's the solutions. I didn't have a solution. me and Terry. Right. And there's solutions, but to be very honest, like this is more like Paul will know, she worked real hard at law school. She wants to be a lawyer. I'm all for her being as successful as possible. If I had a wish, yeah, I want her to stay home and do what my mom did.

It's weird and she doesn't want to. And I completely understand it. She's making $350,000 a year. You're pulling down $150,000. Do the arithmetic. Right. Looks like you'll be changing diet. is Jew boys. You know what I'm saying? Looks like you'll be mopping the floors and cleaning shit. And you know what? It's fine.

Just get rid of one of the podcasts. Liz Karmuch. Hey, how's going? What's up, my love? How are you? Thank you very much for taking the time and calling. I know you're training down there with the brothers Johnson down there.

Oh, thank you. How are you? I'm doing really well. What about you? I'm doing pretty good, too. I got to tell you, man, when Eddie said you were participating in EBI8, I was really excited, but I'm really excited because no bullshit Liz Camooch, I'm a big fan of yours, man.

I'm a big fan of your heart and your balls. So you always prove it. I love that you serve your country. I couldn't. I had felonies. I fucked up. But I really got a lot of respect for you, man. You did something that a lot of people didn't do.

You just went in there. You didn't give a fuck. so I love you to death and this is an honor for me. How's it feeling? Now, Eddie was telling me that you're going up against Mrs. Henderson, Benson Henderson's wife, but this is the second match. You won the first match, correct? That's correct.

Okay. And how did you win the first match? By points, submission? No, it was a submission-only tournament. I won by a DARS. Look at you. So now you're going back in against how you're feeling? I'm actually really good.

We've done a lot of work that was kind of, I took one, would be kind of my first ever vacation with my mom, and I got a phone call and they're like, hey, if you want, we have an opportunity for a tournament. I'm like, oh, and I'm stuffing my face being fat because I'm on vacation and decided, you know what? Let me just go for it. It's been so long since I competed, I can't not take it.

So I really wasn't prepared, but still ends up doing really well in the tournament. And this one I'm actually training for, so I have a lot more confidence. When was the last time you competed in a BJJ tournament? I think two years. Wow. Okay.

I thought this was just recently when you had beaten her. Okay. No, this one was. Yeah, but before that, prior to the tournament, I haven't competed in a tournament for two years. It's been with the UFC. It's really hard to get a match. It's actually authorized.

Right, right, right, right. No, no, I understand. How are you feeling now? How many days have you gotten the training in before this match? Since the last one, I haven't stopped training. So I was on vacation. even on vacation still manage to do some stops. After that tournament, I was back to training Monday morning.

Look at you. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where'd you go on vacation? I just traveled around California. There's a lot of sites I've never seen, like the Redwood. I haven't gone up to the San Francisco, the Bay Area. So we kind of drove up north with the Oia.

Did all the little, you know, the typical California site seeing things in San Diego. Where are you from originally? Originally from Oaklandal. My mom's originally from New York City. Okay. All right. And no, it's great driving up to coast. And you could stop at some great jiu-jitsu schools as good as they get all the way up to San Francisco.

You're stopping in some great places. So, yeah, I'm sure you're ready for this. This is pretty neat that you're doing this for Eddie. Eddie has really grown a lot in my eyes. I've known Eddie for 15, 16 years before he even had the schools. So to see Eddie do this, it's a real honor to be a really honor to be a lot. friend to him and now to have you compete oh my god I'm so excited what are your plans on this you're gonna go back for the dars never landed a dars in practice

ever oh it's one of those moves where I go for it all the time and it just never works out and in the tournament I landed I won every single match with the dars that's crazy I mean if the opportunity opens up again after she saw me win the whole tournament with darts she's probably gonna be prepared for that and defending so there'll be something else so you got to hit it with something simple like a little camor or something like that simple or so all really complex now what is your next UFC fight if you don't mind me asking things it's uh coming down the mill and it looks like we might have something i can't release yet that i'm really excited for it because just like competing i've

been two years since i competed in jihitsu and it's been over a year since i can't even me oh my god so hopefully something soon yeah have you had injuries liz Just I had injuries and then I also had some family members my mom had to have surgery So I helped take care of her and some other things came up where it just one thing after another hit and it seems like I just had to take some time off to really take care of that Focus on my my personal life as well as my business and now I've been able to get everything back on track everything's doing really great So now I'm able to focus back on fighting and training now where's your mom living now? Now she lives in New Mexico Oh, wouldn't it be great if she was still in NYC

And they put you on the car in November and shit or something Oh shit Oh my God She would lose her mind I would too I was just thinking about it Everybody dreams about that Where's your mom from

She lives all over New York City Okay yeah so it would mean the world to her It would mean the world to her Just to go down because she's probably been to the garden For the fucking circus you know, the Harlem Globetrotters. I used to go down there for everything, too. So they're going down there to see your daughter fight.

Oh, yeah. We went to New York City. This is our of her family. And we went, we saw some shows there. The typical site thing in New York City. And so to go back in, if I could actually fight there, who, all right, we'll have to petition for it, Liz. What do you think?

That would be great. you be ready? What is it? 10 weeks out, 12 weeks out? Everything went right. My life got all back on track. I haven't stopped training, and I'm ready to go. I can go out of two-beat services as I ask me.

Well, you know what, man, I wish you nothing but good luck. I mean, you have a great attitude. You took time to take care of moms, and in my world, that's Aces. So you've got good things coming to you. You know, I don't want to take you that long. Thank you very much for calling in. you have a fan here and I'll see you Sunday night my love

all right thank you so much good luck all right Liz thank you again thank you bye bye Liz Carl Mutch ladies and gentlemen went for Ronda Rousey fell a little short you know what I'm saying

but at least she had the heart to go she didn't get hypnotized right she didn't believe the fucking hype I have to give her props I didn't even know she did MMA I didn't even know she did fucking BJJJ tournaments so this is great you know, for a lot of people who don't know,

EBI 8 is Sunday on Budo videos. If you don't live around it, if you live around the area, it's at the Orphiom Theater. I think there's tickets still available. Like I said, listen, man, I know Eddie, when he was teaching at the boxing gym on Santa Monica, the bomb squad. Now all of a sudden, he's got his own goddamn tournament.

You know what I'm saying? And so to see this is unbelievable. People are talking about EBI rules, people are talking about this and that. So it's just really impressive. Hold on one second. I guarantee this is my car. You like that? It could also be mine.

The NSA is coming after us, folks. No, some truck around the street and some shit. Fucked up. Not only, that's interesting that you brought up that conversation tonight because I'm trying to write the book. And where I'm at right now is learning about life. Like I have to write these chapters for Gordon, these sample chapters. Right.

And I'm still stuck like in 1981. How old were you then? 17. Oh, yeah. That's a time after your mom died. Yeah. So it was two, a year and a half after my mom died. And all that spoilage bullshit I had was going away.

Like I always did my laundry. I always got my own sneakers, but there was just that little attitude thing I had. You know, I don't want to eat this. I don't want to do this. And now I was forced to do it. And it was a realm that was even harder than losing my mother. It was such an obstacle.

But the reason why I lost it, I always say to you that my mother wouldn't have died today. I would have been the softest man ever. I would have been living in the basement. She probably been changing my sheet. I would have vacuumed. I would have probably started a part-time job or something, but I just wouldn't have been a hustler.

Do you think you'd still be living there? Like in that same house? Listen, man. If you're a fucking man and you don't living with your mom and you ain't married, you're fucked up. You know, even if you're making fucking money, I don't give a fuck. Take the basement, tell her to live with you upstairs.

I would. But this is coming from a guy who doesn't have a mom's. So you've got to understand. Right. Everybody's different. I'm sure you don't want your mom living upstairs from you now. Every time you eat a star and come home, you think she'll come down on a lecture and shit.

You couldn't do it. Some people couldn't do it. No. Some people, I could never face my mom on it. I think it would eat me up alive. Eat me up alive. I tried while those, that year or two, I was getting high before she passed. Right.

And I would, Vizine, Bernaca, Cologne, wash my hands. And I would really wait to not be that high in front of her. I never did it ever in front of her. The only time was like one of the last time she visited. We had a podcast and I went home and I had dinner. And I think because she, she's kind of softened to it a little bit because when I came home and had dinner, I mean, I ate like three portions of meatloaf. But other than that, like I think she was expecting something different from someone who was really stoned. And when I was normal, I think she was like, oh, okay, he's doing, he's being okay.

He's being safe. I think I would have had a hard time with it. Especially now thinking about it. Now when I'm raising mercy, I'm not trying to take a tuck to the toy store. I'm not trying to lure her with that type of shit. You know, I'm trying to, uh, she's been showing me every time she goes to church,

they give her a hot wheel. A brand no fucking hot wheel. So for the last month, I want to go get the track. You know me, Doug. I'm fucking 53 going on 10. Listen, there's not a lot of games I like There's not a lot of shit I want to do in my life But there's one thing I always liked

And that was motherfucking Hot Wheels Since I was a kid I had the tire with all the cars And the 24 carrier Then they had the 48 carrier on both sides I was a Hot Wheel Fucking fucking fanatic I got beat with the fucking Hot Wheel

You ever get smacking one of those things In the ass when you got white underwear on? No You're behind the leg of one of those things With the Hot Wheel? You have no idea what that feels like

getting hit behind your fucking thighs with Hot Wheels Would she throw them or what? No, it was just he would tell me to pick him up or something and then she'd tell me

go to her room and she was cleaning him up as I'd run by she'd whack me at one of those fucking things you get whacked one of those fucking hot wheels Jack, you know you've been

whacked, you understand me so I always loved Monopoly I had I had all those dumb games I had please don't spill the beans I had all those stupid fucking games but nothing got my dick harder than playing

with fucking hot wheels. Some of them the doors opened. I couldn't do a lot of damage. I didn't have to be a mechanic. Some of them, the hood's opened. All I had to really do is put the fucking track together. It took me a fucking six months to learn how to make it loop-de-loop. The car would always fall from the fucking top.

That was the first Rubik's Cube. You understand? That's the first fucking thing they give you when you're like five. And it fucks your world up because they keep doing it on TV. And you can't get it to loop to loop. And you can't do it to loop-de-loop. had a scam. So what you had to do is you had to buy the track they gave you, but

then once you got that thing, they threw it by the way at you, Mattel. They said, ah, if you want it to loop-de-loop, you got to get the extra extension, so you get that extra power down in your fucking living room. And then if you watch closely in the commercial, that's what they had. They had the extra fucking extension on it. So you

had to go back to the fucking store and get the extension that came with an extra fucking car. You know what I'm saying? They banged you out that fucking Mattel. Then you took it back home, now you fucking call loop-de-loop. that's car did that even still exist what hot wheels

well like just toys like that for kids yeah I'm telling you I'm gonna go get a fucking go online see what the kind of hot wheel tracks they got all right I guarantee fucking tea they got shit that'll blow your mind now I'm scared to go down the toys of rest

because I normally get the big fucking track from my office and put it right in there I don't give a fuck ooh they have a four lane one this is what I'm talking about when I was growing up you had a one lane that's it you had one fucking lane

and then they had the two and the three to race around and shit. Come on, now, dog. And then you get the car later on that's actually electronic, and it flies around. I forget the name of that one. I don't know what the fucking name of that one was. That's a small one, too. I know it's not Hot Wheels,

but I had one that was, like, kind of electric, and you had, like, a little trigger and it would race around. Do you know what that's called? That was fucking fun. I had something like that. I just don't even remember. I vaguely remember it, to be honest, I think. But I can't,

I can't raise my... Mercy how I was raised. Whenever I travel, I bring Mercy something from the airport, $6.99. One of those fucking dollars they have. I forget the brand that were big Beanie babies. Oh, yeah. Okay, it's the 699. Whenever I go there or wherever I go to CBS, I bring her back a fucking Beanie Baby, okay?

That's the extent of it. You know, she said no or something the other day today, and I got mad, and I said, next time you say no to your mom, I'm going to put you in the room, you know? and she went in there by herself. That's the type of soldier, she is. She put herself in timeout. No, it's, uh... I don't want her to be like me at any fucking age.

They were telling me shit in an early age that they should have been fucking telling me. And, you know, people can handle that shit when you're an adult, never mind a fucking five five or six year old kid. And that's why I was acting the way I was acting. In hindsight, I think about this shit, you know, So there's certain things I knew and certain privileges I had gotten.

And they should have never fucking done that with me. You can't do that with a child. So I learned from it. So now I know how to raise mercy without that bullshit. When I see these kids in our mentor Boulevard, that's an audition places. And they have their headshots on the floor. And there's people who need a seat.

And they got three seats taken. And the parents should go pick up your fucking, what are you crazy? But that you're giving your kid a certain power. to think who the fuck they are by acting that way. And you can't give your kid that power at the age of eight or nine or ten. You know, that's why I don't want. People call me all the time, hey, have you considered, we made a thing for your daughter if you want to put a headshot in there?

You know what? I don't think so. I don't think so. No, you don't think so. Not even at that early age. I don't think so. Yeah, she'd get a college tuition by getting a good commercial. But you know what?

What if she gets into that life and she buys it? until an early age. I didn't buy into it because I was dirty fucking something when I did my first day. Really? You were that old? Because you came here at like 32, right? Something like that. No.

I came here 97. So I was 34 years old. How would your life have been different if you didn't go to prison? I was always doomed for prison. Really? It was either going to get me now or get me later. I'm very happy. It happened when it happened.

very fucking happy it happened when it happened they were either going to get me that time or they were going to get me in the next city for something worse for something worse or something who knows the worst that you could let a fucking

cocaine junkie think is that he could get away with things especially with a weapon I would have been a different person everybody changes once you get away with something like that you got a certain fucking air to you. So I'm very happy that happened when it happened.

It shattered my life for a while, but I don't know how I did it. I put it back together. Now I respect that side of it. You know what I'm saying? Right. I just meant more along the lines of like, the way you were with like the drugs and robbing.

Like if you had come to Hollywood at like, let's say 24. No. I would have never made it. I went to that weed store the head there up here and I seen them

do something very fucking weird okay I seen them at 10 15 in the morning go and empty to fill up

their ATM bag but they basically went out there with a fucking shopping bag and filled with money and they filled

the ATM machine right in front of me I could either sell that information or I could take some guy to kick in the door and I'm there with you

with a walkie-talkie of your piece in your guide you through the whole thing and you'd have to do it right, but you're going to walk out of there with some loot. But you're still got to get the own and take them to the safe because they got cash in that.

They don't report. They don't put in the bank. They put the credit card receipts in the bank and they hold on to that cash and that's how they rotate their refa. So if you go there or somewhere close to there, there's a safe with 200 large in it somewhere. And that's a Nike's weed store.

So they got loot. This is how my eyes were 25 years ago. It sounds like they're still that way, though. Well, like, you still notice it. I still notice it. I still notice all the mistakes. If I go in there one more time at 1015,

and I see them doing that at 1015, they're doomed. They're doomed. What are you going to do? 25 years ago, no, not now. Oh, okay. 25 years ago, they don't. I'd figure out how to be in there 1015. But the problem is they have your ID,

so you couldn't do it. I'd have to sell the information to somebody who was liable. Somebody I knew that would go in there and do the fucking thing clean. And the only way you could do it, it was like I told you today, is going there, you know, pull them all in the back and explain to them what you want, and right away shoot somebody in a kneecap. Let them go down, let them yell and shit. Take the owner right to the back.

You've got a guy covering everybody, and he opens up the safe and gives it to you. You give them back 10 grand, tell him you love him, and then you'll see him again and run the fuck out of there. You take that car and you fly the other fucking direction on cold water and you pray for the best. And you got both fucking roads right there. You can hit the 170 or the 100. That's amazing. I'm going to see you later. That guy's going to freak out.

Somewhere along when you have to have a switch car and break up. because that to be the three or four of us. Now, it's not money to fucking retire in the Cayman Islands and buy a hotel, no. But when you're a street piece of shit, $50,000 is a lot of loot for fucking 15 minutes work. Plus a jar of refa. As you know, I'm taking two or three jars of reefer with me.

But that's how loose they are, they're that loose. I saw it. And I think I know the answer, but you never get tempted. Like if, like, I'm okay. Like, that's probably a bad example. I'm not saying rob a store, but like, let's say you were at CVS, right? And their deposit bag was on the counter, and there was no cashiers.

No. There's cameras everywhere today. They're either going to find me in a week or they're going to find me in six months, but they're going to find me because they're going to take those posters and send them to all the CVS. And eventually something's going to go. And I'm talking about. I hate to say this word. Am I talking about now or am I talking about six years ago before the podcast?

Either one. When every once in a while, somebody would say, that guy looks familiar. No. You follow me? I'm talking about before the longest yard and shit like that. They're going to get you in a month now with cameras. You basically can't do nothing. See, there's more cameras out than what you know.

Oh, yeah, like all the street lambs, all that stuff. So when you're walking down, you cross from the fucking train in North Hollywood station and you walk to all those fucking bars there on lancash and you have like one two and the bar on the corner of the federal where they shot the sons of anarchy across in that fucking place right there whatever you do there whatever you do there is on tape on 18 different cameras plus what's flying around you had the drones and it's uh there was this thing and i i was just someone destroyed something the other day but a drone caught them like they they caught them destroying like this natural formation and it's it's it's getting kind

like it's good that they caught that I guess but it's getting kind of weird like it's getting kind of scary to go outside now no it's not you don't think so no it's scary depending where you go and what time you're fucking going I it I I I I I I just keep looking. I was thinking about you to ask. First of all, you leave the house. You're in a positive fucking state of mind. Right.

Okay. You don't have to have a gun. No. You don't have to have none of that stuff. You leave your house. It's a beautiful day to be alive, even if you got $2 in your pocket. Because you're alive, okay? You walk down the fucking street.

You're walking your chins up. Your chest is out. You're breathing. But the beautiful thing is you're not looking at your fucking phone leave. If you pay attention, America is a beautiful, thing. Wow, let's say I take you and I go, Leahy, I need a big favor. Take me down to Mexicanville to get heroin.

And I leave you in the car by yourself and you don't really know the game. You're going to get mugged. You put yourself in that position. Now, listen, me and you could be going right now to big wings after this. Right. We walk over. We go to cross the street. The light's perfect.

A guy runs a red light and kills his boat. There's a percentage of that. There's a percentage that when we go. the big wings to get wings fucking johnny go umba's gonna go in there shoot a bunch of us because he is somebody fucked his girlfriend listen man you can't live like that you can never live like that i would never want somebody to live that way things could happen all the fucking time bad things could happen all the fucking time and then the and in the weirdest fucking situations right yeah and that's and that's a fucking scary part.

If you keep your head on top and you're not looking straight ahead and you're watching the cars coming and if you walk down the street and for some reason it's 82 degrees but that guy's got a hooded sweatshirt on and there's a bump under his fucking shirt

or you know there's a lot of things you can't control. There's an earthquake in a building falls on you head. You ain't fucking the whole. You ain't hold on that fucking building. Right. But you can't listen. In my world, It scrambles through my world from time to time.

What if I get on a fucking plane tomorrow, and the plane crash? What if I get on a plane, Oli-Bob and the 40 fucking thieves are on the fucking plane? What if I get on the fucking plane? And I got to talk. There's a thousand possibilities in your life. But you've got to live your life.

You can't listen. Listen, you know why I know this? Why? Because I've told you once, and I told everybody on this, listen to this podcast. There was nobody that's more scared than I am of life. If I would be a millionaire, I would stay in my house all the time. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

And you would know that. But it wouldn't be because of fear. It would be because, yeah, social fears. It would be because of a thousand fears. But it wouldn't be fear because the world might fucking end. You don't think I worry about my wife. You don't think I worry about my child. You don't think I worry about my friend Timmy driving a truck in New York all night.

You don't think I worry about Diagostino driving on a truck. four or five all fucking day you don't think I worry about Tommy East to live in the fucking van I know I know the reality is that Tommy East and Tommy Easton knows the realities of living in a van but you know it's when Kate came in here eight months ago and she was talking about moving in a van obviously you don't know the realities of living in a fucking man no you know listen man bad things happen to good people bad things always happen to great people and it breaks my heart it breaks my heart you know right now tonight i could leave here some guy comes up looking for fucking pussy and he shoots you in the fucking chest no reason

no rhyme or reason you had nothing to do with his fucking world and you're gone that could happen also a lot of things happen like that but you always have to live your life i do try to push it out Like it's it's not I don't feel like it's something I dwell on all day, but I do want to the night. There's one one night every 10 days that I lay down and a horrible thought comes to my mind about my family or my daughter or myself and have to actually get up. The reason why I have to get up is because it's a reality. I could pass it through my mind, but I can't digest it. So I just do what I was doing, smoke a number, watch TV for a while and get to throw. on my head and say a prayer.

Because I, listen, if you think at 15, 16, I thought my mom was going to die, you're fucking crazy. Right. You're fucking crazy. Who thinks they're going to get up in the middle of the night

and find somebody on the floor, whether it's your mom, your uncle, your sister, your brother, who? Who in this right fucking world? Nobody. That's the last thing anybody ever thinks about.

That's the last thing anybody thinks about. When you guys go to dinner and we crack jokes for an hour and we giggling shit and you know we tell stories and then you get in your car and I go in my car and somebody else goes in that car and we say goodbyes and I'll see you tomorrow what time leave 3.30 I'll see them up when you get that call four in the morning that he got hit by a drunk driver but wait a second this is a fucking dream this is a fucking dream that's the same way I felt when Dominic special died that's the same way I felt when Anthony Balsano died he just I just saw him at

What do you mean he went to path mark at nine o'clock at night? I just saw him at six. He was going home for dinner. He was going to study for a met test tomorrow. You understand me? Things happen in life. That's what makes life live is that things happen. People pass and one day you have to learn how to live without him. Somebody passed in my life a couple years ago. It's really weird the friends you gather and the relationships you have with them and some of them pass and you say a prayer for them you send flowers you go to the funeral you think of them from time to time i have a friend that passed maybe four five years ago maybe right before around grudge match right like i talked to him while i was shooting grudgeman and he was a dear friend of mine he's the guy that took me out of

fucking jersey. He talked me into going to Colorado with him, buying a car and putting under my name, but he crashed it. And it was just, we hooked up in 83, and obviously we're friends until he passed three years ago. And it was a friendship that I talked to him once a week. You know, when I was back there, I don't meet with a lot of people. There would be one night a week in 93 where he would pick me up on Monday nights we'd drive down the shore together we'd go on those boat

we'd go back to his house eat the fish we'd smoke pot we'd watch a movie and then we'd go to bed and we'd both he'd drive me back to New York City the next day at 4.45 in the morning I'd be by Massa Square Garden at fucking 5.30 a.m.

walking around. Why so early? Because that's when he was in charge of all the window washes and like 6.000. six or seven buildings, him and his brother worked at the World Trade Center for a while, and they moved him around. But I spoke to him, you know, various times. When he came out, he was in Huntington Park. And I actually scheduled a gig down there.

It was like two days after my neck surgery with the fat bowl. I actually scheduled a gig down there just so I could see him. And he came with his brother and had a great time with him. And another time we went to fucking Atlantic City. And on the way there, we were eating those contaminated crab legs. with blood on him and shit. We got a call from Linda Road to go to Connecticut and do a comedy game.

He drove me. And just shit like that, you know. And sure enough, a couple of years ago, he passed. And I gotta tell you something. I still keep his number of my phone. I got his number in my phone, Macatholi's number in my phone. I got like three people who punched the ticket

in the last three or four years. I kept that fucking number just because that's a type of cycle I have. They're not, they're just, I'm just having, their phone got disconnected for a few weeks. I'll bump into them someday. You know what I'm saying? I keep it that way.

But Jimmy, I think about once a day. I'm craving. The reason why I've been thinking I'm on the last five days, he used to make this dish. You ready? Tell me. He gets spaghetti. He'd boil it.

Good start. Boil it, boil it, boil it, boil it, nice, nice. He had it perfect. While he was cooking the fucking spaghetti. spaghetti, he'd fry up some bacon. All right. And then he'd take the bacon off and he'd let it get really, really crispy.

Really, really crispy, really. And then he'd take the fucking spaghetti out. He put in the strainer. And then when it was in the strainer, he'd throw a piece of fucking butter in that motherfucker. And he'd start right there working it with the butter and shit. And he'd throw that right into the fucking thing. With the bacon?

Not yet. Then he'd throw the bacon on top of that. Some more butter on top of that. Then he'd get to that. an egg yolk and throw the egg yolk on top of that and he mix it in real fucking good he throw some salt and pepper on that motherfucker and lee it was delicious delicious it sounds amazing delicious oh but you got proteined up if you lift them weights forget about it he would cook a big pot of it once a week and just put in the freezer on the refrigerator i'm sorry

and from time to time you can take the pot out and just take a bowl put in the microwave oven and bang you sell some fucking pasta the bacon bits were tremendous

how he made them I can never make it that way and I've been dying to make it from my daughter because it's something different it's like a Puerto Rican Felicini Alfredo right

but I don't think she'll eat it with the bacon she doesn't like bacon ah what the fuck knows she eats bologna and she calls it salami I don't, I don't. What are you going to do with her?

Yeah, I don't know what I do? I got enough problems with you and shit like that. What I'm going to do? It's been fun going up on Tuesday nights. I've been enjoying it. Lee, that was the weirdest thing ever last night. People, let me explain something to you. You could do comedy.

When you first start out in comedy, you do what's called open mics. And that way you show up and you sign up. There's a bunch of dickheads who think their movies. stars and they get up and they do horrible material and you wait there all night you do comedy in front of other comedians and it's hell it really is hell it really is uh it's like going to fucking die every time you go to those places because emotionally you fucking die it's been really I don't know how comedians develop in open mics because very rarely do get any positive reinforcement so I'm like how do you know what it's good because all you're learning how to do is

a word smith at that point you're just going up there you're just hitting numbers open mics or numbers i don't know what the magic number is for lee siott for joe deers it may be 850 open mics but felix iat right now where i see maybe 200 open mics and you'll be feature active no yes i don't think i want to be no no no no no no but it's good that you're doing it because now i can take you on the road and shit i'll give you the small hundred you're doing you do it you do it shows that'd be fun sure be fun you know i don't know nothing else in your life like something i i never thought this was anything because you know i i it's a story that everyone knows that i didn't want to talk on here but now like i'm so i'm like fucking i can't shut you to fuck up yeah that's

true that's also now i got to smack you twice to talk and 18 times to shut up you like a crime relocation witness god lea no no let me tell you something I love going to the comedy store, and I love going to the Laugh Factory, and I love going to the improv. But I've been doing it for 20 years, guys, in January. And you go to a comedy club, not to stay there. It depends how you use it.

You know, the comedy store is a great club, but when I go in there, I go to work, bro. It's work. Ten years ago, it was a little bit more fun. when you're doing more rooms like last night. Then you have a thing called these open mics, which people have been doing comedy over 10 years, they don't go to them.

Your pride just says, I'm not going home no more. I've always known that that's the heart of comedy. I always know that when I need to improve, or I need to be thankful for what I've done and what I have, I have to go to open mics. And years ago, it would be those Mexican rooms. Because it's very weird to go on stage at the comedy store when you first get here and have Gary Shanling bring you up.

And then you're bringing up dice. But at the same time, that same night, I was bringing up a Mexican dude with a limp. And another one that stutters down in some cougar room in fucking Pomona. Do you follow me? Is that one fuck with your head? It didn't fuck with my head. It doesn't? It made me a better comedian.

And balanced me on. It showed me that comedy was comedy. It doesn't matter who the fuck you're on stage with. You've got to work the same fucking way, whether Jesus Dice is there or fucking Dave Chappelle is there or some open mic kid from fucking Redlands. It really doesn't fucking matter. That's what that taught me.

So for years, I would go to clubs that Willie ran, Felipe Sparseran, that you get stabbed at. All right? But at the same time, he ended up at the comedy store knew another spot. So no matter how bad it was in that room, you're following where I was working at? I was working both sides of the fucking fence

just to balance my head out right. So it wouldn't overwhelm me. That's a smart way to do it. I had to, Lee. I had to. So, like, do you think if people, like, just start going to the store and get passed right away? Like, you got passed right away.

And if you were just doing amazing spots, do you think? I got passed at the comedy store, the same way I got my. Blue Belt. Okay. I was a hard worker. I put together a set. It took me a long time. It took me six years of my life to get into work hard to get into the comedy store. And I'm not going to lie, nobody. The first two years I was dicking off. I was dicking off. So for four years, I gave up everything. I lived in an office. I went to fucking jail for arguing with some chick's boyfriend

and getting arrested for domestic violence. I lived on scraps. Josh Wolf helped me out. I mean, It was a nightmare. I lived in a basement with a fucking bed and a bench for dinner. It was completely of who the fuck I was. It was completely out of my comfort zone. But the whole time, I was fucking evolving and I wasn't even knowing it.

I wasn't even knowing it. I was shedding that skin, and I wasn't even knowing it. I wasn't even fucking knowing it. So it took me basically six years. I was to that point. Now, was I a good comic to be at the store? No, I've seen better comics.

I got into the store. But she liked characters. And that's what I had on my side. And that's not a knock against you. No, but here's the problem. She gave me a run. And in that run, I developed into a comedian somewhere or another. Not a great comedian.

Not even a very, very good comedian. I developed into a good comedian. What's a good comedian? He's a comedian for the comics in the back. He has a couple good jokes. You know, he might bomb two nights a week, but the other two nights, people are going to be scared to follow.

And I think the other benefit to doing multiple sets of night is I never really feel an itch to go up. I enjoy going up Tuesdays. But when we're all standing outside after Tuesday, I'm always like, I wonder if I could, like, there's a late one I could do. Like, it's fun. Like, once you start doing it, you want to keep, I want to keep doing it. It's like it has it definitely has like a You see what that's becoming up there

Yeah, it's real fun That's becoming what my life was like in Seattle Really? For this special, I wanted to take myself back When Diagostino When the Agostino said he was doing a party up there He called me and he goes, Joey, this is a nice place I knew I was shooting a special

I go talk to the guy He called me back, he goes, I got the room You want to do the September 8th? I got sick, obviously but I've been up there every night since July 16th. Yeah. Or July 22nd or whatever the fucking was. I've been up there every one of those nights.

And the main reason why I'm doing that is because I wanted to take myself to square one for this special. I wanted to go back to that level. I wanted to go back to that level. Even though I'm closing the room, I want to go back to that camaraderie or made me happy about comedy. You know, once you step over the line and you're in those Hollywood clubs and those little side clubs they have in Santa Monica. You have a lot of agents and managers and you have a lot of the other side

of the business people at these clubs. So people tend to act differently. They tend to act differently. They do different material in front of agents. They try to smile, you know. That's great. That's great. I'm sure I did the same fucking shit.

You know, but at the same time, it's nice to do comedy when there's nobody in me there. Just regular bar, people talking to you that we met that really nice guy last night that offered us a studio and a camera we met those dudes from kansas city that were cool as shit you know people have been coming out it's 10 11 12 people we end the fucking show at a quarter to 11 everybody goes home early nobody's drinking and driving sometimes we have a bag of weed sometimes we sit around and we got a

bunch of finger food for a bunch of guys and you have no idea what it does for me you look Look forward to it. Look forward to it every fucking Tuesday. Because it's a complete different side of where I'm at. Now, I go to these shows and they're fucking sold out and people want to hear certain material. And I don't blame them. You know, they paid a ticket price. They want to fucking see what makes them laugh and whatever.

But it's also really nice to go on stage without any of that pressure. Last night, the waitress said, are you guys going to stay? And I go, I didn't know we were leaving. and she knows what we think we really like for you guys to stay. Listen, after I shoot this special, first place I'm going to be that Tuesdays at that place. Just starting over. Because I'm not disappointed, but I look forward to certain things. I want to see how jokes are evolving for the special because I don't really get to see you do those stuff because you do it on the weekends.

And you don't really ever repeat stuff on Tuesday so I get bummed down. I'm like, ah. Well, I got the same people in there. and what I'm trying to do is work a complete different muscle. That's it. And you know what? Every week you tape it for me, and I'll show you that comic notebook with the dates,

every week there's two lines in there that might not be useful now, but Sunday, they're going to be right there when I need them. Someday I'm going to go through that notebook, and they're going to be right motherfucking there where I need them. So you have a notebook of just, like, lines? I just started this since this special. Willie's going to give me a notebook with the set list. We're going to tape Friday.

I don't think you come down Friday and Saturday, but I bring my iPhone, Diagostino. No, DiAgostino, tape it. He'll tape both shows Friday and Saturday. And then that tape, I'm going to send to Willie. And then we're going to meet Tuesday. And then we leave for Austin Thursday. Austin, I'm going to start shaping it up.

Okay. Cutting fat. I'm going to tape the sets. Then I come back Tuesday night, and then boom. Wednesday I'm in New York City. I haven't decided on doing sets in the city because I've got to see a lot of people this time. So Thursday and Friday and Saturday,

I'm in the city. That's four more shows. Now I come home and I'm home a whole fucking week. So that whole goddamn week, I'm on stage. One night with you, one night with Willie. Taping the next day, just right. That whole week, I'm not doing much. I don't even think I'm going to Jiu-Jitsu.

Wow. I'm just going to YMCA and throw weights around in the morning. after I drop off Mercy, so I could give it a bigger window. I can train myself. Like, I've been doing two hours. Now I've got to go to four. I got to find a spot where I can go to every day and write without a phone, right, without anything, a diner or something where I could sit in the back and nobody will bother me for three or four hours. That's my next bench.

We can't go to NoHo because the food is so bad. I'll last two fucking hours in there. But that's the plan now. There's no more wasted time in that. Dark Core Saloon is going to be the nucleus of it. Yeah, it's a great. I look forward to it too, man. It's, I'm really surprised we're not getting more, I don't know how to say it.

I say it's the wrong way. A lot. More interest? No. More higher-up comics. Oh, okay. You know, I don't understand why. being that there's a lot of comics in the valley.

They go down to Hollywood, and on the way back, they could stop in there. See, that would be the ticket. If you promote the room, like, the show starts at 9, but the show really starts 11.30. And that's when you get, like,

three fucking good comics to come up and do a half hour apiece. And you're keeping people there until 1 o'clock. That's the show that I'd love to put together there in the future. And I would host it. You know what I'd charge? charge them, none of dime. Really?

Yeah, it would just be a fucking family Tuesdays. So from 9 to 1? Yeah. Have comics stop in like hitters, like people who've been on television just to pop in and do 30 minutes in front of 10 people. HBO reached out to them to write a special Damon Wayne, somebody like that. I used to see it all the time at the comedy store, but nobody's allowed to do past 15 minutes anymore at the store. So now a lot of people aren't going down to work out their sets. Oh, okay.

You follow me? So they have to get them a lot of sets. A lot of people don't want that. So 15 minutes here, 20 minutes here, and then 15 upstairs, forget it. I'll just go to one place where I can do an hour. So how can you get the word out to the comics? Well, they'll find out eventually that. There's a good room on receipt on Tuesday fucking nights.

It's, you know, 15 to 20 people tops. You know, eight of them are comedians and just go up there and try your luck. Come down. What do you got to fucking lose? If there's more, like I said last night, that's where it all starts. In those little fucking comedy rooms

is where comedy fucking starts. People come out of here and they, oh, I can't wait to perform at the comedy store. I can't wait to perform at the improv. Slow down, Nellie. Slow down. You walk in there. There's somebody in there.

You bombed. Then I'm going to put you back on stage. Be prepared, learn the fucking terrain, and then go down there and test the fucking wars. And don't get me wrong. that was the first place I went. I went to the store first, and I got on stage at the laugh fracture the next night.

First two off the bat, just to see what it was about. Just to see what it was about, right? Why not? I'm going, I'm moving here. And the store went well. How did the laugh factory go? I did well, but Jamie didn't like me.

He said I was too dirty. So he told me not to come back there until I cleaned up my act. I was back there two weeks later on Monday night. Any cleaner? No. And I continued doing that Monday night every night for about a year. The Latin show that.

But he didn't work Monday nights. He didn't have to look at the lineups. He was an independent producer. So he had no idea I was performing on Monday nights. He never came in on a Monday. I was always nervous. I was going to be on stage on one night. He was coming and yank me off.

Give me the light. Never. He never came in on a fucking Monday night. You never saw. No. That's one of the things, though, that's honestly is one of the most things that's deterring me

from if I wanted to do comedy like full time is like hearing all these people's stories about 15, 20 years of struggled. I don't think I have that in me. Well, let me explain to you the situation you're in, and especially from what I saw last night.

I see a lot of guys go up. Did you light the room on fire last night? Not really. No. You got a few laughs but the most important thing was your joke delivery was superb your premises were on the target like they were like they were premises

of a guy that's been doing comedy three years you know what I'm saying like you already got to like you already went through the first three years you're doing Michael Jackson you're doing Bill Cosby shit you're doing impersonation of Arnold lighten his dick on fire yeah you're doing asshole jokes because you've got to find your voice.

Right. So until you find your voice is when you start writing those type of jokes. Okay. You follow me? The only joke that was strong for me was the one about sucking your dick and asking you if you want to do a green diet. A weep cleanse. You can't sue it. You can't be sucking the dick.

Maybe she's doing something out. But who am I? I don't fucking know nothing about writing. You don't see me on HBO. So what I'm saying to you is that you have a lot going for you. Do you have time to do comedy and go out there and make friends and talk to people? Oh, of course. Especially rooms in the Valley?

Yeah. Yeah, you're a young man. One beer never heard nobody. Somebody at each of these open mics is going to know you. Diagostino goes to one tonight. Right here at Valley College. Honestly, that's one of them. And, okay, I.

That's one of the things I'm worried about, to be honest. What? That you'll like it. No, no, no. I know I'll like it. I'm worried about where I would go to get an actual response because I don't want anyone to be like, oh, he works with Joey Diaz, laugh harder. No, you're going to just do an open mic to him. That's it.

Bars, put yourself on the list, go in the back, sit down, get a beer. Leave. We're going to put you on 12th. Okay. You're going to be a gentleman. You're not doing nothing at the house except watching fucking. porn with nickels. Just the thought that you know that.

I couldn't believe it. He was talking about on stage that, you know, some guy, threesome with a fucking nickel. So what I said was as I was getting into chatter bait because, just because porn's kind of boring, and I have never paid anybody.

But I looked it up because I wanted to see how much a token was worth. And it said the performers get about five cents the token. So it's just like, Jesus Christ. And they ask for 13 tokens. Yeah, sometimes it's like 100 tokens for like a blowjob or something. So that's five bucks.

Five bucks to watch somebody give a blowjob. That's how much they'll get. I think they probably charge the people who want to pay more. I should look that up. That's another funny thing. They're probably getting them from both ends. But your premises were good. Your composure's good.

You're not nervous. And not like you're up there fucking. You're very confident. And that's it. And you know what? That's fun. You're not performing for an agent. You're not performing for a showcase from Montreal.

Well, come on up here, and maybe I'll let you do my room in Hollywood where top people will see you. You know what? You're just doing open mics. And I've got to tell you something. If I could stall life, I wish I was still in Seattle

with Brody, Gavin, Josh Wolk, Tana Manu, Al-Triferris, Al Fox, Rod Long, I would give everything just to be stuck up there still. Living modestly, working out at some gym and just doing that whole city circuit. Because I got to tell you something,

it was the first time I felt I wish I could have gone up there without that girl. Really? That was my biggest mistake, was going up there after her and chasing her. She was a good girl, and she meant well, but my temperament doesn't agree of women do that type of shit.

So it just didn't work. But if I could do it all over again, oh my God, it was one of the best times of my life because it was the first time as a comedian that I was doing it. I'm doing this. This isn't like a dream anymore

of me crying in my room circling fucking goals and shit. Those days are long gone. I'm in it. I'm in this. motherfucker right now. And to know that is tremendous. I know I'm not a star.

I know I'm not on TV. I know nobody's seen me. I know that nobody wants to call me from Hollywood to hire me. I know all these things. But guess what? I'm in the game now. For a while there, I was looking out from the outside. Now I'm hanging out with other feature acts.

I'm going to shows with them. I'm getting booked as a feature. I got three ladies of the book of me. I'm going to feature at the comedy underground. I'm going to feature at Giggles. All these things are going on for you. Are you getting rich? Fuck, no.

You're getting $2.50 to feature at the underground. $250 for a week? A weekend. $250 to feature at fucking the giggles. You would get $300 because the 50 from Thursday night at the casino or whatever the fuck that was, Tacoma. And as a feature, I have $50 a show. All the bars. If you were a headline, you got 100.

If you were co-headlining, he got 75 apiece. So, like, let's say you're a feature, right, in one of these cities, and they feature, let's say someone features for you. Will they sometimes go out and do other spots around after that, that night? All night long. I would get in a car with Josh Wolfe, and we'd start over the fucking bridge, and we'd pop the spot over that 8.30 for the small 25. And then we'd shoot over to the comedy underground and close the show. show there because a bunch of comedians were getting together for 70% of the door.

And we'd get like $32 or something like that. And then from there we'd get in the fucking car and go to the artistic side of Seattle. And there was a bar there that had cages. It was like downstairs. I forget what the fuck the name of that place was. And they had like a you show up. We pay your policy. 25 bucks.

20 bucks. Who cares? Right. You just made $120, $140 for the night. That's not going to happen every night. That doesn't happen every night. That happens twice a week. And then the other nights you pick up the small 50 here, the small 50 there.

So you're walking around with 350 a week in Seattle. You get $700 every two weeks, $1,400 a month. You're paying rent. You're living with three guys in one bedroom. You're sleeping on the floor to the one guy fucking goes to rehab. You know, it's one of those situations. But you got to shower. You're warm.

You've got to. have a car, maybe not in those days, because we'd pick you up in those days. And there was gigs all over, Brementon, there was gigs all up and down, Seattle. If you hustled, like, when I got there, I fucking hustle. I hustled so hard that one day Craig Gas fucking threatened me. Why? Because I was at the job, a Lobo, whatever, a Lobo Cantino with Josh Wolf Eaton. And he came in, like, is this the guy that's fucking working up a storm?

I got to Seattle on a Saturday. I was featuring to John Fox in Boise, Idaho on fucking Friday night. I went right to work. There wasn't no month training time. There wasn't no fucking evaluation time. There was none of that bullshit.

You didn't have the time. I went right to work. Yeah. Right to work. I got to Seattle on a Saturday. I went to the fucking Seattle Underground Around that night, I talked to a guy named Ron Reed. I had a reference from Rick Kerns who's featuring for me in Columbus, Ohio, one of my comedy fucking idols.

One of the guys that used to headline and I would feature and he'd make me drive the truck while he got fucking lit. But I learned a lot of things from Rick Curran. He taught me how to write a joke. He taught me how to be yourself. You know, he's been fired from every radio show. He's the real fucking deal, Rick Cerns. We're going to have a good time. He's cleaning sober now.

He writes for Run White and Larry the cable guy and a couple other guys. So he's just a writer. Cool. But he wants to keep his edge sharp. So we were talking to them and I go, fuck it. Come with me to motherfucking Columbus. That'll be fun. But yeah, I got to Seattle.

I used his name. I called that dude on Monday. I found out that there was this lady, Pat, something that book comedians. I called her. She told me the facts of my avails. Got them on there. I called this Cuban dude. who booked the improv at the time.

It wasn't an improv no more. I faxed him my avails. I called this chick, Donna something in Portland, Oregon, faxed her in my avails. And I was off and running, Jack. And I got to call Thursday. Hey, Joe D is John Foxx.

Do you want to drive to Boise, I know, Vince Valenzuela. On Saturday night for $150, you bet your fucking ass. And that's it. That was it. A week I was there, and I was already plugging a fucking,

but I have been out every night that week doing spots making people chit-chat So are those $50 spots like the next step above open mics? Yes Okay 25 50, 35, 40 in a dinner And who's paying you like the restaurant or like a booker?

You have two different things Sometimes you have a private You have a club manager That has a fucking sense of humor And on Tuesdays he does karaoke on Wednesdays On Wednesdays, he does stand-up comedy. Thursdays, ladies' night. And Friday and Saturday, Friday and Saturday.

Sundays, fuck you, suck my dick. I put hot dogs out. You come in, you eat, what the fuck is here? You know, it's that type of bar mentality. You have that guys. You have those guys. And they'll set themselves a budget. They'll say, uh, our budget for the room here is 400 bucks. Three comedians.

So the headliner gets the most, the feature in the headline. And the MC. Those rooms, if it's a $400, $400, $1.75, $1.25, and the MC gets $100. Now, let's say Lee Syatt is a comedian, and he walks into that bar. And he goes, how are you doing? I like to put comedy in here. They say, okay, what are you proposed? Well, you got two options.

I could charge at the bar, but that'd be difficult. That confused the bar. We got a lot of regulars. So why don't we do this? Why don't you kick me fucking $250? month okay two 50 a week to do the shows here well let's start with two a month okay so you got yourself 500 bucks so you paid Joe now you're a working comic you live in an apartment with three animals okay okay you promote this show you get 75 people down

there we week so your budget is 250 you're gonna pay the ems you're gonna pay the feature 75 bucks right right right you're not gonna make no money no 50 yeah you Yeah, but you get more. You should walk like 150. The features should get 125, and the hell line that should get 175. You have those type of rooms. So every week, you just book a guy. Your budget's $500.

They're going to give you $500 at the end of the show. What you need to do is divide it. Sometimes you might get a guy that's just starting to do $45. He's not a TV act, but there's a fucking Laker game on. Ain't nobody going to be here anyway. You follow me? and after the Lakers lose or win, these people are going to get up and leave.

They're already drunk. So you can think that way. There's strategies in the bar. You're not going to book fucking Mark Hunt, you know, Labor Day Weekend that Mark Hunt. I'm sorry. You're not going to book Joe Diaz in Myrtle Beach, Labor Day weekend. Why not? Because nobody's going to come.

You get stuck eating a week. So on those off weeks, you book a regular guy. You don't take that much of a hit. There's different times. You'll learn different types of the year. The book star names. And there's different types of the year. The books bumps like me.

And then there's different types of the year to book basic guys. A thousand a week plus a plane ticket. Just because no one's going to come anyway. So don't spend the moment. Yeah. It's that time of the year where they don't lift the rock. If you do have Lewis C.K. in there, they're not going to pay $75 the week before Christmas.

No. So let me not have. Louis C. Kane there. Let me have Ari Shafia and Joe Diaz for 22. 20-50. It's two shows, two nights, Thursday and Friday before Saturday Christmas.

Do you follow me? Right. So those are the type of people you book. Because then like that, people will come out. If you book a known-name comic, you're going to get half the draw. Fuck it. You want to book those two before Christmas. There's strategies. The first two weeks of January, you're not going to

book fucking Tony Bennett, are you? But you always go out the first two weeks of January I go out the third week Third week Because people start to get crazy That's it Everybody starts smoking reaper again The mother starts sucking them dick

People start doing heroin All that shit they talked about They were gonna quit That shit wears off by the 14th By the 14th they're done And that's when you hit And that's when I come to town Hey and also not like

It wasn't my fault Joey Diaz came to town I'd have a drink The dab at bars are pretty good What? Dabba? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to, listen, we don't eat Cheebacheau no more because they're a bad product. We don't eat cheap or cheetaheons because we'd have to eat 18 Cheapichu's and 180 milligrams to see the devil.

I'll call those guys, and I've got a box over here in those 180s and we'll give them a run. I guarantee now if we bring the Cheebat shoes back, we could only eat three of them for 180. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's 540. 540, yeah, we'll have a nervous. yeah, I think we might can maybe start with two. No.

Two is 360. It's 360 a cheap, but you ain't going to do dick to you late. You're way beyond that. You got to start with a nickel of everything. I'm pretty high right now. I'm kind of regretting. I'm so much. Have a little piece of chocolate.

This chocolate's smoother than small. This fucking guy, I'm telling you. They got into my car. I'm getting pissed off and shit. What do you got playing for the weekend, Tarzan? The weekend. Well, I thought I was going to the improv.

You don't want to go? I do. So then you go. What are you going to do with you? You're going to do with you? No, maybe I'll go one night. I'll figure it out. Here you know, I have a little truck.

And then the UFC this weekend, too. A good one, Saturday, right? Yeah. I'm not going to be able to watch it. My show's the end of clock. No, but you'll do your art. That's the best part about having it. You're probably right.

All right, brother. It was one of those nights tonight, guys. We're stoned already. We got stoned early. I started with Lee at 10 this morning. People at 10, they get together to have coffee. And talk about the state of the world. We had a conference call and decided to do it in 92.

Lee, stop squeezing the bottle. People get pissed off in shit. Poor Lee. You don't like chocolate. Now you got a fucking earthquake in here, Lee. Let me give some shoutouts real quick. to the real Jeremiah new B. Berry

Sully S. Ezeo Auditori D. D. Ferretti, Chris Clark, Brian Majuski, Jared Roberts, and K.C. Sanford. I'm sorry about the short conversation with lives Camuch.

She's my girl. I bet she was in the middle of something like that. We'll get her next time. I'm up to fuck up here. Last night or tune up. nights ago, we and I were having a weird conversation. And I felt bad about the conversation we had when I got home because I didn't interpret myself the right way. Lee and I have another mutual friend that cries that things don't go his way. But he doesn't put the full effort into it. And when he does, it's for six weeks. When you're starting a podcast, when you're putting videos on

YouTube, when you're like Cassius Morris, whatever you decide to do, I want you to look into the mirror and go, I'm going to stick with this for a year. I'm going to do, what do you look on that chocolate? I wish I had a film right now. Lee's looking at that last piece of chocolate. Like it's the worst thing. Like it's a dead cockroach. I wish I had a camera. I do, but I'm not going to taking pictures. Lee, eat the fucking thing. Well, you're going to. Why do you always look at chocolate all weird? It's always like a challenge for you. Just swallow it and drink the fucking, you got water?

Yeah, I'm fine. All right. Well, that's it. Bam, that's it. Where's the water? Don't even taste it. Where's the water? No, this one doesn't taste bad.

No, no. This one doesn't taste bad. People, give it a minute. You'll hear a gag effect. Then you'll hear a water crinkling. You don't know. Yeah, I don't fucking know. I just saw it two minutes ago.

You don't know. I know. Oh, my God. That was scary. looking at you. So anyway, last night, Lee and I are at the bar and we're talking about this fucking mook. And

I told you. I told you. That's what you were going to hear things for. It sounds like he's sucking the dick. Like somebody just popped in his mouth and left it in there, he's choking him to death. He's like, look, I'm trying to talk. What did I do? I had hot pants on, because that was what I wanted a school play.

Lee and I were talking about vacation. And Lee goes, where was he when you spoke to him? I go, this motherfucker was on vacation for a week. And Lee goes, I just had a weird look on his face. I go, you know, man, people really don't understand that when you first get this venues going, you have to stick to it consistently, consistently. I have so many fucking people who were mad at me over the years

because I didn't go to that stupid party on a Wednesday at 9 o'clock. I used to have a rule years ago. I will do your thing after I do a set first. But Joey, my parents are coming to town. They never come to town. Da-da-da-da-ta-da-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. I don't have parents, and I miss my friends in Jersey. I don't have a chance to go back, so I sacrifice.

So that means if I sacrifice, well, I'm sacrificing on my own. I'm sacrificing your shit, too. So here's the deal. I'm going to go do a fucking spot. You got two choices. You want to bring your dad down? Bring them down. You want to see him.

I have to do the show. In those days, in my mind, it was like when you tried to tell your mom you were sick. And your mom said, okay, you could stay home from school, but you can't go out. That's the most fucked up or no TV. It's the same thing. It's the same fucking thing. How can you get something started and just drop it like that? But then in three weeks, he'll be calling you and me.

me going you're not going to believe this this is what happened I don't know what to do well you want one work thing and one vacation for 10 fucking days in a row and I go leave you know what you can't do this shit you know I love to go on vacations like the next guy but I can't focus that 10 day shit like I said after three days you want to jump off a fucking building when something's cooking with gas you just can't stop the fucking train and I've seen people do it and I've seen people do it and I've seen him take a long time to get back out, man. Years ago, I had a friend. I still talked to him. He doesn't live in Los Angeles no more.

I think about him from time to time because not only was he a good fucking comic, but he was starting to pop some fucking movies. As like good roles? A fucking tremendous roles. In fact, people come into the comedy store to see this guy. This guy popped a movie movie. opposite fucking a black trick that won the Academy Award.

Hell, very. Right out of the comedy store. Wow. I've been on that fucking, how many times I've been on that stage? You think I ever, I haven't even popped a short movie. I haven't even popped a drug documentary out of the comedy store. This guy used to go in there four or five fucking time. He's gone today.

He had three movies that he should have been set for fucking life, especially how he looked. He could have had his agent switch him over the TV. He could have been that guy on every show. The third guy, you don't know what his name is, but he was on that show. Right. Yeah, he got a bit. So what?

Meanwhile, he's making 48 grand a week. And you have no fucking idea who he is. Perfect. That's the guy you want to be. The guy at the farmer's market that has a beard. And you know, he looks familiar. And once he walks away, you're like, that's a guy from CSI, Miami. And he makes $50,000 a week?

I'm saying. Well, yeah. If he was doing these movies in 98 and his agent switched. him over the 2000 of television, especially his agent was a big shot agent. This guy hooked up with a chick and ended up moving to the fucking south. And I see

not tweets but Facebook things, but he still does local gigs. This guy was a movie star. How did you get convinced to move to the south? I don't know. He bumped into Jesus. I don't fucking know. He just one day said, I'm going to fucking not do this no more. I want to move down there.

I don't blame him. This gets fucking old. This high And some people look at it for what it is and I'm not doing this shit no more. I'm going to take the $40,000. I mean, that's the whole movie. And I'm going to fucking buy a house in fucking Louisiana in the swamp or something like that. Whatever. I'm just saying this shit.

He made like three movies or three big fucking movies. One I remember was BAPS. Paps. Paps. And then the other two, I don't remember what the fuck they were. But he was on his way, dog. And one time Tarantino was up there. watching for something.

And once Tarantino comes to the fucking comedy store, somebody's talking about you, Jack. And then how long after Tarantino was he gone? Maybe a year or two. Fuck. Back to you, brother. I love when you go up there and you go on stage. I love it. Whatever you decide to do with it, you're 28 years only.

You got the world by the boss. You don't. Do I want you to go on the road and suffer like I did? Is it worth it? It's not worth it for comedy, but it's worth it for your soul. It really is to go out there and see what people are about. Do I want my daughter to go on the road and do comedy? Fuck, no.

If Larry came up to me or Bobby came up to me and said, you know, I want to go on the road right now, I don't know what to tell them. Because I don't remember how I did it. I just did it. I just knew I had to do it, and I did it. So let's say I have a podcast, two nights a week with you. Should I be going to three open nights a week?

Like, what would you recommend? I think you should go to two of the same open nights every week. Become friends with different comics. Go hang out with people your own age. Talk to people with different perspectives than a fucking old guy like me and Steve Simone and whoever else. folks you fucking dangle with. And God knows what you might learn. You might come to me and say, you know what?

I might book a room and be the host. And, you know, Lee, that's the best thing about life. And if you apply to it, you don't know where it's going to take you. That's even a better, that's even a better ride. You got the degree. Remember they said to you, get the degree, and then you can do whatever you want, because you've got something to fall back on. You got something to hold back on.

I guess, yeah. You got something to fall back on. You got a degree. You know how to edit? Well, you got a camera. There's a thousand things you can do with your life right now. At 53, there's a thousand things I could do with my life. I could stop doing stand-up and just try to write this fucking book and keep writing fucking books.

Just keep writing. I'm locked myself in a coffee shop every day for four hours and write. Six days a week. It's a different type of job. And just do the podcast. who knows who knows that the future fucking calls but you got to get out there to see it

it's not on Twitter no your future is not on Facebook your future is not playing those games and sending nickels to those poor people I don't know that nickels anywhere to suck a dick on fucking TV there you should be shot on you're a nice Jewish boy those are fucking human talent

what they call that human trafficking is shit they got fake smiles and shit they tell them if they suck 20 dicks they got a sandwich that night they're over there starving you put nickels in the fucking thing bioteens is that what that is Bitcoin it's not Bitcoin well it's kind of like

Bitcoins whatever the fuck they are what I call Kind of like Bitcoins They just have their own tokens Fuck Just PayPal the bitch of yardstick And tell us send you a picture of something I don't fucking know what he's so perverted for I call this kid what he's doing on the computer

emailing people from you're not You're on Bitcoin fucking watch naked women I can't I can't physically do it all day. Well, yes, you can. Give me the paperwork, please. What are you?

I can't physically do it all day. Okay, how about your big fucking trenches all day? Would you like that? No, that'd be terrible. All right, then. Then what's the difference between? Get your fingers off the computer knobs on a women's sites paying nickels. I don't pay, I never once paid for nickels.

Joe, whatever your name is. Why are you embarrassing yourself? I know you went out there. You just don't go on the credit card statements. I don't know your credit card. You're paying for it with bick of teens. What are the fuck? What do you think?

I'm a half a retard. I know what the fuck you're doing, cocksucker. You're selling the computer of the woman you bang went out. Yeah, when I wake up. Sure, but you're looking

at those dirty people. I know you, you're a Jew for a nickel. Are you kidding me? You think like you're lying. No, I think... You like the guy last night left my wall at home.

That's the oldest Jew thing. That's Jew 101. I don't give a fuck. We'll pick up whatever you need, but what are you when you're coming over here at that Jew 101? Whatever you don't say nothing. He didn't sell it at all.

No, you didn't sell it. Then you come up, I don't use bicketeens, but you know all about them, Lee. That means you used them. I did the research. You did the research, and you looked how much they were in nickel, and you said, wait a second. Let me do the math here. For five hours, I could see a woman do something dirty.

You're on there four or five times a day giving out bags of nickels. Bags and nickels. They see you, and they go, it's Uncle Lee with Nichols. And you're going to have perverted with them in town to do certain things. You don't think I fucking know, but I know everything. You're disgusting. That's why I love you, by the way. I'm not judging you. I don't give a fuck.

I'm just telling you, you're a disgusting type of young man. I like that about you. I love going to Jiu-Jitsu. I really do. I enjoy myself dearly. And you know why I enjoy myself something I don't have in my regular life. Today I put on some white shorts with this belt. I love these white shorts. But no matter how tight, the fucking belt, my pants always falling.

All fucking day. I went to J-Jit-2 on the way back I had underwear, Now I had the underwear, not mixing what the fucking, you know, in fact, the underwears would save me on the way home. My point is, in my normal life, I don't know how I get clothes to fit me, but you know what fits me perfectly? Me on these. And when I wore them to Jit-Too, you ever go to Jit-Too, you ever go to the gym, you'll go boxing class, maybe cross-training class, you go to these places, and you're not comfortable. You're just not fucking comfortable. There's something wrong in your underwear.

You know what I have, I've never had this problem with me andes. That's why whatever gym I go to, whatever work I'm going to do, I have meandies under there. One, because of the mold all, a cotton fabric, two, because of the fucking comfort, and three, because now they snug me and keep me fucking dry. Like I said, every pair of me on these is made from a sustainable source modaul, a fabric that's twice as soft as cotton. I'm telling you, it is the best.

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going to be sorry. I love him. If I, like I said, if I go to anything athletic, I got me undies on, you understand me? Why? Because I want to feel fucking. It's tough. They always, whenever I always, like when I did type for, they ride up. So I'm having to get some miundies.

Comfort is the whole thing, man. For years, you run around uncomfortable and you don't know it so you put something comfortable on. Number two, you know what's a great service and a buddy of mine subscribed and he broke it down for me. Club W.

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That's how we're rolling here tonight. Lee, you're a little comatose tonight. That chocolate got you got me working over here Double time on a solo tip. You don't say nothing. You're looking like the sad clown. And I ain't mad at you. You know, I ain't mad at you.

I know you're getting fucking fucked up tonight. Look at you. I'm fucked up. I thought I talked a lot tonight. No, you didn't say much. You're looking around like a guy with you $20. I ain't mad at you, dog. Just a lot of interesting thing in life lately.

This is it. It's the fourth quarter. We're headed towards the end of the God. damn year and a couple things I'm working on and it's just it just gets hectic so if I haven't gotten back to anybody or something you know with the child now and now Saturday soccer camp and it's it's it really has been overwhelming we and I have had a conference call three or four times a week the last three weeks you know so you're sitting there waiting talking explain to people what's going on. It's overwhelmed me in a way.

I'm trying to write a special. I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to eat healthy. So bear with us. You know what I'm saying? We're bad motherfucking soldiers. Just like, you want to congratulate my main man, Larry. He's going on to fucking greener pastors and shit. Instead of fucking being the eyeball of debt, he's going to be the fucking salesman of debt.

We have the church support him, and we love him. And we'll see him in Las Vegas. Halloween weekend, Lee's banned from Las Vegas. I think they ban you throughout the state. The whole state man, me? Yeah, you have to gamble and barstone and shit. You got to go to Barstone and get those fucking tofu fucking hot dogs and gamble there. But besides that, it's been great.

It's been a great sum. I pulled off the surgery. I got the doctor on Tuesday. Go in there, get my blood pressure check, check my ball sack. You know me, dog. If we're going to run this game right, we got to take care of each other. I think I'm going to get some blood drawn. because I've been feeling kind of, I get different fucking feelings lately.

My back's been hurting a little lately. Then it goes away for three days. How's the nose feeling? Who? How's the nose feeling? The nose was a really good thing. I did it. I'm talking, a friend called me last week, and he said he heard through a grapevine that I had done it.

And he has big money, you know, he could afford, like, great doctors. And he said his doctor told him they would do the same thing they did to me, basically, believe stitches that dissolve so he wouldn't have to take him out because that's what he's dreading and he goes tell me the truth how it was and I go listen the first three hours it's a little rough here in shock from the anesthesia but after that you go home you relax you're breathing a little bit and it's Wednesday you're you're good you're good I mean you're not fucking going to the pool and doing Johnny snorkel under the goddamn water but you're starting to breathe and you do what they tell you. You spray that stuff in your nose. And you know what? I do it every morning.

I spray that saline solution. And every morning I wake up and there's something in there. Both nostrils, I clean it out. I'm not addicted to Afrin anymore. Am I doing 19 rounds of Jitza? No, I can't lie to you and tell you that. Do you see an improvement, though? Yes. I've seen a huge improvement. And then how long did it take any get off of Afrin? Right after the surgery, never used it again. When I walked off that surgery, July 11th, I never used affidting it. And your nose is in the closing up?

No. They fixed all that. Nice. And I want to thank Jimmy Norton. Jim Norton really straighted me out in Vegas. It was Jim Norton who said, go see your doctor and get it over. Because once you get to the menthol affin, that's it. That's it.

You got a limited time before you wake up one morning and you're not breathing. There's nothing stronger in the mental. It's so strong you've got to go on fucking Amazon to get it. They don't even have it at CBS and shit. Some of them have it. I used to hunt around the country and they'd be like the one on Lancasham has it. There's one of the creepy side of the Hollywood has it. And one place had it.

Where would I just go? That they had it at one of those. It's certain CVS's. So my wife would just get in a three block for me. And how long would that last? Three things are aphrine. Yeah. Four or five days and north days.

Towards the end, it was like, every time I got a little bit of anxiety, I sprayed it. I'm very happy I went down there. Thank you guys for fucking... Once I said it on the fucking podcast, I knew I couldn't turn back. Yeah, that's a fucking apart. Like I always tell you, motherfuckers,

I always say shit I don't want to do on the podcast because I don't want you cocksuckers tweet me and go, Joey, what happened with this? It's the worst feeling of the goddamn, world and it's like listen you scheduled the surgery and you didn't show up there because of your fears I couldn't do it the whole way on the drive that's all I kept thinking about can't you drove me that morning no I was cancelling in a way but going what the fuck what if I cancel what am I going to say the podcast tonight what am I going to say the podcast I didn't go

fucking down there what does that look like for me what do we talk about the podcast all the time health and taking care of yourself and no fear so that's what fucking saved me dog That's a really fucking same. That's awesome. Yeah, man. That's the way it's supposed to be. Also, I want to thank my main motherfucker. The geese tremendous.

The bags are tremendous. The rash guards are tremendous. All the quality is fucking world-class hemp. I mean, it's all made in the USA. Datsu Sara, I have been so impressed with them the last couple weeks. They're the sponsor of VBI. They're involved in everything. You see them in Jiu-Jitsu magazine.

Their products are fucking solid. The bags are solid What do you call the fanny pack The rash guards are solid They just have so many goddamn things are there Things go bad You can just fucking smoke it and pray for the best You know what I'm saying

But listen I'll tell you what I'm gonna do Just go to DSGear right Dsgear.com Dsgear.com Just go over there and take a fucking peek Just take a fucking peek And see what

You injured you too anyway I'm hooking you up tonight with me on these Now I'm gonna make you go to Datsu Saurra Take a look at the bag They got the all-utility bag made from hemp with a thousand places to hide shit if Pablo Escobar had that bar that bag he'd still be alive he can have guns machine guns explosives water a canteen a mirror a shaver you can have a thousand fucking things in that bag and that's just half the goddamn bag but don't believe me go to dsgear.com

right now if there's something you like i'll tell you what i'm going to do i'm gonna knock a fin off five percent right now pressin joey boom get five percent off your order right again i want to thank Club W. I want to thank Chris Ores Datsusara, the sponsor of EBI, and I'd also like to thank... Meandis, you bad motherfuckers. And I also want to thank Lysayat for being a gentleman and shit, helping him with the

move this week. Of course, man. Rangled the cats with my wife. We had a good fucking time. Oh, they were going crazy. I'm supposed to do a show tomorrow on Animal Shep Planet with what's his name. I still haven't heard from these motherfuckers, so it's one of those nights, guys. So I'll tell you what, we'll be back Sunday

night. Have a great fucking weekend. Stay black. Don't forget. No expectations toward $10 tomorrow night. Flappers, they got good wings. Friday and Saturday. The Melrose Improv 8 p.m. show. You're out of there at 10. You'll be giving mama stabbing by a quarter to 11. I get your home by 1130. Bam, you're at the farmer's market Saturday morning saying fuck I had a good time with Joey last night. All right. Don't forget about me. Austin, Texas next week, bitches. Stay black. This show was brought to you by Mionys. Go to Mionys.com slash Joey right now and check out their men's and women's underwear.

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Generals gathered in their masses, just like witches at black masses. Evil minds that plot destruction, sorcerer of death's construction. In the fields of bodies burning as the war machine keeps turning. to mankind, poisoning their brainwashed minds. Oh, Lord, yeah! Darkness world stops turning, bodies burning. No more war pigs have the power that struck the hour. Day of judgment God is calling.

Underneath the war pigs crawling. Begging mercies for the same Satan laughing spreads his wings Oh Lord ya!