The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #413 - Jayson Thibault

Episode Date: September 15, 2016

Jayson Thibault, comedian and host of the "Punch Drunk Sports Podcast" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 09/14/2016.


Bidays are back. The Church of What's Happening now would love to introduce you to Hello Tushy. Go to Hellotushy.com and they have portable devices that spray your butt clean with water. Go to hellotushy.com slash church right now to save 10%. That's hellotushy.com slash church right now to save 10%. The show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like AlphaBrand, New Mood, Schumtech Immune and Shum Tech Sport. Kick that fucking mule, Lee. It's that time.

A little Wednesday night action before Austin, Texas, the motherfucking red eye. Packed and ready. Guns are packed. The mule is on the way. And you got the church of what's happening now, cocksuckers.

Wednesday, August 14th. September 14th. Are you kidding me? or what? Get the cough medicine now, Cocksucker. We're going deep tonight. Dip that joint and some formaldehyde.

It's the church of what's happening now, baby. Kick a leaf. Fucking tremendous. You know what? That song was overplayed when I was young, and I got to hate it. It's still overplayed. And I heard it today, because usually when it comes on,

I just switch it. I just switch. It's one of those that you just switch. What I heard it today, and I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. Sometimes you go a long time without. One of the ones you get sick of. A lot of Beatles songs are like that.

You get sick of hearing them because they're always played if you're out in a lot of places. But then if you don't hear it for a long time, then you hear you like, God, damn. Were you a beetle fan? I would not describe my, I like the Beatles. I wouldn't describe myself as like a beat. Like Don Barris is a huge Beatles fan. My mom is a huge Beatles fan. You know albums like when you were eating dinner.

Of course. And she put on fucking let it be, you know, all the songs on the album. Yep. My sister's a huge Beatles fan. I like the Beatles. I wouldn't say I'm a huge Beatles. I grew up hating the Beatles because the people around me, that's all the fuck they talked about.

I'm more your side. And then, as I got old, I always like Paul McCarthy solo, and I like John Lennon solo. And then I just went backwards. And there's an album that it switches for me. Once it's really guitar-y, like early on, I don't like none of that shit. They have two albums, like 66 to 60, whatever. It's garbage for me.

It's the second half of that career, when they got trippy on the ass. I like that. When they started doing acid and all that stuff. Yeah, that was that blew my fucking. Like the, I want to hold your hand days. Yeah, I don't want to hit that shit. I don't want to hear that shit. Yeah.

I hear that shit. What's up, buddy? What's going on? My little gumbuditj of debt. I'm feeling good. Getting ready for Austin, Texas barbecue. Oh, yeah. Fucking banana cream pie with the wafers in it.

Fucking seafood gumbo on the Ui sausage. Wow. Shrimp and crab meat, lobster. I feel like now you're just naming food. Rimp and crab meat salad with a blue cheese dressing on it. Are you fucking kidding me with big country Texas fucking tomatoes in that bitch? Oh, yeah. I'm going deep.

They said to take you to pop a cito. Somebody hit me today with an email on Twitter and said, make sure you take him to pop a fucking citos. He'll fucking write paula a letter right there while he's eating them. Goodbye. I can't wait. And then I had something kind of fucked up having last night. Whatever.

Nothing really fucked up, but like, okay, I always try to be safe. So whenever I take an edible, like I try to wait pretty much, like until I'm sober to go home. But even when you're sober, like sometimes the next morning, the freeway gets a little bit creepy for me. So I actually got off like three exits too early last night and just took the side streets home because the freeway was too much. Because you were too stoned. And I wasn't even that stoned. I was like, it was like six hours ago and I had like two stars. It wasn't that bad.

It was just... There's times I've taken edibles in the morning like an asshole before a flight. And I've gotten in that fucking car and you're in that little HIV lane, HOV lane. Yeah, HIV lane. You're booging and you're coming next to cars by an inch.

Start getting creepy after the tent. Sure. Like, if you take a star or you eat an edible and you get on the 405, it gets fucked up. Oh, my God. We did it one time and we were driving. I don't remember nothing. We blacked out the San Diego trip.

There was an hour in that trip. that I fucking blacked out you don't remember it at all I was too high my eyes were winging out the lights were fucking affecting my eyes that's the night I got sick we're going downhill right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I can't handle that shit either do you either of you remember the first time when you came when you were driving on the freeway in Los Angeles and you had the realization that it's legal for motorcycles to go zoom in through the lanes oh yeah

like that's extremely illegal in like Chicago or Indiana or any place I've lived in the past and you're just sitting there and gridlock traffic and these motorcycles go zoom in like 30 miles an hour in between the lanes. How in the hell is that legal? It's so dangerous. It was, I remember, like when I first moved here, I lived in the valley because it was cheap,

but I was always working down there. And I would always go down the 405. And one morning, I think, like, the first week I was there, I got kicked by one. Because, like, apparently they didn't like where I was in the lane or something. So as they went by, they kicked my car.

You got to pay attention to the rearview mirror. Oh, my God. Constantly. Yeah. If you're in the HOV or in the fourth lane, you have to pay attention constantly in Los Angeles.

Very seldom do they go in lane number one or two or three, unless they're coming on. But even when they come on, they shoot right for the HIV and they fucking shoot down that motherfucker. And I'll tell you, there's times you're just sitting there in traffic

and you don't know. What if you're going to cut over And you don't see this guy. He's dead. Felicia Michael saw a guy die on the 101 or 170, Sunday morning doing 90s. Doing that on a motorcycle? Bam, yeah, with nobody out there. Bam, just fucking wham.

Fuck that, dude. Fuck that. What I found out about you recently, Tebow, that I did not know. Yes, sir. Is that you're such a big sports guy. I thought that you were like the fucking third wheel on the show. I listened to you a couple weeks ago. Oh, yeah.

You're fucking knowledgeable on sports. Thank you, buddy. Yeah. I, well, you know, this is my 12th season working at the Red Zone for the NFL. And I pretty much have worked my way to head of research. So it was special when it comes to football. UFC and football are my two favorites. No baseball?

I like the clubs. I like baseball. Baseball is probably a little bit after NBA. I would go probably NFL, UFC, NBA, baseball and hockey are probably tied for whatever. All this soccer bullshit, everybody talks. I know we all have these international fans. constantly hit us up. You guys need to talk about European soccer more. I'm like, I got too much on the plate to start watching zero zero. How old are you now? I'll be 44 Friday. Okay, happy birthday. Thank you, brother. I'm 10 years year old. And what a lot of people should know is that when I was in high school, there was no soccer. Only Spanish kids that didn't speak English played soccer on Saturdays at the park. You think I'm kidding. There was no soccer team. There was a tennis team in my high school and archery. But there was no soccer.

Archery? Until somebody got shot with an arrow. I was just going to say. Somebody got shot an arrow in high school and archery. And that was the end of that fucking course. I never understood. I understand why people like it. But it's just too long.

Like what? Soccer? Yeah. It's just too much. Well, it's just for me to watch something. It's for three hours and then it's zero to zero. I'm just like, somebody do something. Somebody do something.

I always bust these balls about sports on Sunday to sit there for 12 hours. and eat wings and shit. You're a big sports guy? I used to be. I used to be. He's not as big as I fucking thought he was. Like, there's times I were asking questions about it. And he'll go, I'm not watching it because the New England Patriots turned in it.

So, fuck him. I thought he would watch everything. But I have friends that grew up watching everything. So I learned to watch everything. I had no home. So I would get stuck in corkies watching all those fucking games all day, make him believe I was having a good time praying to get the. fuck out of that. Right.

I'll never forget, I bust these balls. One time I went to a car sales convention and they had different guys talking about their careers and how they became dealers and all this shit. Like a corporate gig and kind of thing you mean? No, I wasn't a comedian. I was selling cars at the time. Oh, okay. The dealer

would send you for a day to a seminar and you spoke about sales and whatever the fuck and there was one particular guy's name was Doug Spreading. And he said two things that always, like, fucked with me. He goes, when you have money, you have to know how much money you have at all times, which I don't have money, so it doesn't really matter.

But he was like the guy in the casino in Ocean's 11, Andy Garcia, that every hour somebody would give him a piece of paper with what they made, what was in the bank at that time. Remember I was telling you Lee that he was like an old school Jew, Doug Spetting, and he said that, you know, every hour on the hour, I know exactly what I got in the bank. My assistant brings me a card. And I put it in the top.

And all day when I get home, I put them a paper clip. And, you know, this is, and then towards the end, we were standing around. And Denver's a big sports town. Very big. Like a big fucking Bronco thing. We were talking about it. During the Broncos in Denver, you could do whatever the fuck you want. If you're going to do a crime, it's during the Bronco game at home.

What are we talking about? Crime in Denver. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you were talking about how you, I don't know, you fucking... So, you know, you only said to me that one day I... A bunch of guys were standing around Doug Spadding. And they were talking about the fucking Broncos. Broncos this, Broncos that.

And somebody said to him, what do you think about the fucking percentages of whatever? And he goes, you know, I don't know much about the Broncos. I'm a friend that always and I go to the games. I'm a fan of theirs. But he goes, I really don't know the numbers. He goes, I don't have a memory for useless information. And I felt so fucking bad at that time. And I started thinking about it.

I was like a young man. I always liked sports. Sure. But at that time, I wasn't really, like, I was a type of kid that went to a baseball game with a bat in a glove. I went to see the Knicks with a basketball. One of those fucking assholes. Sure, of course. So one day, I just realized you had to make a living.

And sometimes if you got to make a living, you can't watch college. football day on a Saturday. Sure. And once you do it, it's very liberating. It's like throwing away your iPhone. Yeah, I can see. You follow me? I can see where you go.

Like weekend six, your girlfriend's at a park. And here you are with six gorillas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking potato chips, farting like me. Yeah. Smelling up a room, you know. And at one point, you got to go, what is that? Yeah, I remember one year I went,

I did that kind of throw away your iPhone thing with football. because, you know, the team I was room for and had bet on was eliminated out of the playoffs. And I was like, so now it's AFC NFC Championship weekend. So this, you know, there's one game, then there's another game. And those are the two teams that go to the Super Bowl. And it's a week off than the Super Bowl. So it's the second and third most important games of the year other than the Super Bowl. And I'm like, fuck it, man.

I'm not going to watch football. Me and my girlfriend went to, I went with her friends. We went to Magic Mountain. and it was just like same thing you're saying like committing a crime at a Broncos home game there was fucking and I hate lines so I never want to go to amusement parks there was nobody at this thing

like the roller coaster we would ride would just pull into the thing and they'd be like if you want to stay on it if you want to get off get off like you never had to wait in lines because everybody was watching those two games that's a good idea because honestly like Joey was saying like if the Patriots

don't make it to the Super Bowl this year I don't really give it like I honestly That's crazy. I would, like, if I was, if I followed the giants. Yeah. Do you have a favorite, like, are you kind of a Broncos guy? I mean, you had. Let's take it to the beginning.

Uh-huh. I like the fucking suits. I liked the uniforms when I was a kid. When I came, I'm the Minnesota Vikings. I liked the colors. And I tried to watch them, but they were losers. They lost, like, four Super Bowl. So I couldn't hang out with the Vikings no more.

And then one day I was watching football. I was watching the Dallas Cowboys, and I saw them do that thing they do in the offense. Where they first line up, they come up, and their hands are up. And then the guy would go, huh, and then they'd set their fucking hands. And they had their home colors on, which their home colors are badass.

I think it's the silver. In those days, it was the silver with the blue fucking things and the fucking blue. So I became a Dallas fan. Like, I like Dallas. I like Dallas. style of football. And then I liked

once Lawrence Taylor became a giant, I loved it. I loved it. Everybody liked that guy. Everyone liked to watch him. And now was like probably the end of the Coke. I mean, players get busted for Coke and all this kind of stuff now.

But back then, like Daryl Strawberry, all those guys, that it was such a big thing in the 80s that everyone from Wall Street to the, you know, all the way down was doing Coke that it wasn't really, Like if we knew now, if somebody was in the NFL doing as much Coke as Lawrence Taylor was back then, I mean, he'd be done. He would play four or five games. He would piss dirty. He wouldn't be able to piss clean again. And he would just be gone. We never would. If they had the same drug testing system they do now in the NFL, we never would have seen the greatness of Lawrence Taylor. That's crazy. I don't think they were prepared for the epidemic they endured. It wasn't, remember, before Lawrence Taylor, there was a guy by the name. name of Hollywood Henderson.

Yep. That play for the Dallas Cowboys. Sergio Otega, a fucking listener of this podcast, this Beauty and the Beast sent me the, one of my favorite reads of all time is Playboy October of 81. They put an article about Hollywood Henderson. Hollywood Henderson was done at that time. And they put a fucking article out.

He starts from training camp in Tarzanah. when the Cowboys used to training camp up here. There's still somewhere around here. Oxnard. That's right. That's right. Up here. And he goes,

here I am at rookie training camp. I got two hits of acid. Three joints, four cigarettes, $40 worth of blood. I mean, he just described what he had. I don't think I'm going to make it

for three weeks. That was towards the end of his career or early? That was when he was a rookie. And it just gets from there. It just he's renting. That's what he was doing with no money. Yeah, he's renting cars. He's going to the comments.

Storn picking up the Richard Pryor, and then they would go pick up the pointer sisters, and they would go free-based cocaine in the back of the way. Oh, my God, the fucking article is just sensational. And he talks about how Ed Too Tall Jones for his birthday got him four women, a black one, a brunette, a blonde, and a fucking redhead. That's how crazy Dallas was. Wow.

Then the fucking, the biggest shock of the 80s was the San Diego Chargers. They had a quarterback named, Dan Fouts. And I always talk about this. I always think about life like this. Dan Fouts was built like Lee. Do you remember Dan Fowler? Of course, yeah.

He was built like Lee. Handsome motherfucker. But he could throw a fucking ball from here to your mother's house and back. And so Air Correel was the coach. They called him Air Correel because he always went to the air. But he also had a running back called Chuck Muncie. Remember Chuck Muncie? Chuck Muncie became a Coke snorting motherfucker.

So years later, they came out with books. You've got to hunt these books down about what was really going on in San Diego when they played Miami in Miami. Oh, yeah. In that playoff when Kellyn Winslow. Kellynne Winslow, yeah. Yeah, when they had to walk them off the field with fucking two guys. And then all of a sudden, you see them back there and fucking the fourth quarter. And you're like, what the fuck?

How they lost, but they stayed in Miami for a week and bought a half a kilo. And they were nuts. They were nuts as a team. Lawrence Taylor was doing by himself in New York, the San Diego charges were doing in San Diego. It was so bad that Fred Dean, the All-Star defense event, raised his hand, demanded to be traded. He got traded to San Francisco 49 as they ended up winning. Check it out with Fred Dean. And one of the quotes he told him, he goes, why did you leave San Diego?

It was a bunch of freebasin motherfuckers. Really? Oh, my God. Hilarious. They went deep. So the deepest one was that one Sunday night, One Sunday NFL, your show comes on and goes, tragic news out of San Diego.

Dan Fouts fell down the scares, vacuuming, and he hurt his shoulder. Years later, they were snort and blow. They were paranoid. Dan Fouts had a gun, and the gun slipped and shot him in the fucking shoulder. They had a liaison to the police department. They called him, and he swept it all under the fucking tank.

In those days, you had one cop you called. Listen, you stab a bitch. You would be great at that job. What's that? Is the good, like the cleaner? The cleaner? Like the guy that's in, what's that show on Showtime? Ray Donovan.

That kind of job. I think you would be good at that. Well, yeah, because you've got to be around the spot. But that shit takes too long. The people today don't listen. I can't. If I go to Lee 10 times, Lee, the comp's going to be in two minutes. Shut your fucking mouth, the attorney comes here.

Within 10 minutes, Leo will be talking because he's a sweetheart of a guy, just like my wife. They're too nice to understand that concept. Right. Keep him on shit. Keep your fucking mouth shut. Keep your fucking mouth shut. Don't even say a word when you go to the jet. Don't talk to no.

When they come over and sit next to you and ask you, what are you in there for? And if you have drugs, that's the fucking snitch. Don't say two words. But people don't listen. I didn't listen. So I get it.

I didn't listen and I came from there. I can't imagine. You follow me? I can't imagine people who didn't come from there. It's very hard. Oh, yeah. And when you talk to them later, you go, why'd you say something?

Well, they scared me. I thought they didn't have to say a fucking word. But today, it's different. Lee doesn't know the ropes. Only people get, even after I beat it into you the first time, the first time after you get, it's like anything else. Once you get kicked on the stomach, then you'll learn. Oh, yeah.

Once you learn that everything you say is going to really be held against you and you're going to drop your jaw. You're going to go, I was just kidding. I just saw something when a guy said that he fainted. Oh, it was a show about a hooker sting in Florida. Just a disgusting show I was watching. About a month ago, I was in Denver. One night I'd get back to the hotel room,

and there's a show on about fucking undercover things. Oh, sure. Like, one of those, and that Gio shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always watched those. And they put a hooker in a room, and they were really a cop, and then as soon as you give me money. Oh, and they got the camera set up.

A camera set up. And it was hysterical. The cops came in, the guy was like, oh, my God, I feel dizzy. He was like, I remember, right? He was here on a visit. Visitation visa and he goes oh my god, I'd feel DZs. And they're like, sit, sit and they gave him water. And he's sitting there and he just looks at the window.

And the cop goes, why do you keep looking at the window? He goes, because my fumble is going to be very upset. I feel like jumping out the window at this point in my life. And the cop goes, you're suicidal. So they put him in a fucking cell for three days, you know, no fucking shoelaces. Just for saying that. The guy was livid. He said, it was just an expression.

I just said it as enough. And he did. He just said it as a fucking expression. But Joe Gentile. They could do whatever the fuck they want to you, man. When push comes to shove, if somebody at power wants to make you fucking vanish, you're fucked.

You're fucked. What a crazy fucking world we live in. Really is crazy. I'm sick of all these, have you listened or heard of all this Colin Kaepernick shit, of everyone's, whether he takes a need or in the National Anthem, whether he doesn't. And it's like, who gives a fuck?

Even if you want to protest, it's your right to protest. So a bunch of players now are taking knees. And what does that mean? Taking the knee means what? They were, in essence, not refusing to stand during the National Anthem, but they are protesting during the National Anthem. All of the racial abuse that's been going on from cops, all the videos that are coming out.

You know, that's kind of a lot of them taking their stance to that. And then, ESPN is eating it up. Like, it's a soap op. And then like the Nate Boyer who we had on here like a year or two ago He went and talked to Kaepernick I read and that's that he they came up with the knee thing is what I read Because apparently it's a little bit more respectful they felt like it was more respectful than sitting down So that's what they're doing apparently But it's a hold on

Oh you guys I mean the you were guys talking about they can do whatever they want it whatever they want want. And I don't know that much about it, but I read a couple articles. They supposedly had like secret jails. Like there was one in Chicago. I'm sure they do. Like, have you heard of any of that stuff? Joe, like, all my life, man. Really? Oh, my fucking life. Fuck. Like not secret jails, but every jail has a room that nobody knows about. Every jail has a room that doesn't have a camera. Every jail has a second. Every jail has a sector that doesn't have a camera that the camera can't reach.

They do that purposely. They do that purposely. But what happened to the tape? It's there. Well, what do you see? I see him and talking and going into the whole way. Sorry, Charlie. There's always something that they could

abuse their power. Is that what I want to say? Yeah. You know, there's always somewhere on the walk to the shower where I could get hit with a stick in the prison. there's one fucking opening. Whenever you watch anything on TV about a prisoner, what do they say?

We'll get them after the mess hall. There's no guards there. There's always an out. It's so fucking weird that it makes you think. It makes you become a conspiracy theorist. Like, there's always an out. There always is. There always is a fucking slip-up.

You know, all the, like, this conspiracy theories. I'm just, I don't care. I just get to it. I'm like, well, so maybe we didn't land on the moon. Maybe aliens really exist. Maybe all this. What does it fucking mean? It's not like you're ever going to find out.

It's interesting, but it's something that you think about when you're in a flight. Yeah. In between a book and a movie. Not even. Not even for me. You know, you look at the Kennedy assassination. You look at the moon landing. You look at this.

You look at that. It's all got to, by the way. If you're going to sit there and dedicate your life to this, it's going to eat you up alive. You just move forward and worry about your little circle. Like this with your arms. You see that little hug right there, that circle? That's yours.

If anybody interferes that circle, that's what you have to worry. There's a circle like this. You've got a basket in front of you. You know, that's it. If I'm going to sit here and sit here for an hour and debate the county, it's been done, what, 50 fucking years? It gives a fuck. 50 fucking years.

There's been a thousand movies. There's been so many movies, they've remastered the movies and made more fucking money. And Joe Schmoke keeps buying this. shit like it really fucking matters. Like we don't know how the movie's going to end. He's dead. You know, now what do we have? We have a thousand conspiracies against 9-11. And I tell you, I've heard some valid fucking points.

Maybe. But what do you want me to do? Exactly. If you don't fucking open this up, it would be very shocking to me if a country would put their own people up to get blown up, but it's been done before. My problem is I'm too gullible.

Because with some good editing, I believe... You look gullible. I do. Doesn't he look gullible? I look like I'd be, and I am. You look like you're easily swindled. What have you learned? How long have you been in this time?

Me? Yes. I have been here for, what in here? Like, 17 years. That's right. We did the porno thing together, the pool and shit. I forgot.

Yeah, we talked about that last time. What year was that? 97, 98. That had to be like 99. I must have just got here. Just got here. Let me talk to you about something. You're an honest guy.

We were talking before the podcast started about, I don't have 10, I don't have one book at me. I have 10, but one of them pertain to what we've seen here. And a lot of it has been positive. What I would write in my book is the growth of people. What I've seen, people who when I got here were assistant agents, and now they run a comedy division. I see them, and they give me a big hug. I still remember them being young, walking around the comedy store, all fucking nervous. You see those people now.

And you see those people now. So if you come to me now, I was a 26-year-old. I don't like my job at Gersh. I don't like my job at William Morris. You know, so I'm like, listen, sit tight. Because I've seen something here. Those guys that were getting coffee fucking, when I got here, those guys that were out every night with the agent,

laughing at their jokes and going, no, he's not. Yeah, you're right. He's not funny. Yeah. Those guys today are running this town. Running shit. The guy from CAA, there's another guy from Joe, whatever, like four of those guys that were assistants back then

are now running comedy divisions. Yeah. And they were 20 then, and now they're, whatever, 21, 22 then, and now they're in their 40s, and you see it with Maseratis and you're like, damn. I saw this guy when he fucking, you know, when he was doing nothing. You know, Bobby Lee tells the story about him and I getting,

being broke at the Latino Laugh Festival. 1999. We were so broke. that we had to have a manager bias done it because they didn't give you a per diem. You know, you see comedy routine people who were supposed to be stars and didn't become stars,

but the main thing I wanted to talk to you about that really makes you think, and I want the public to really know about this, the people who listen to this show. We deal with, I don't know how many comedians in our circle, or maybe a thousand. I was going to say. Let's just say about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a lot of funny, and I'm not here to put anybody down. I'm just here to educate somebody and to talk to Jason's good about this stuff. So now we have a thousand comedians and every

year out of those thousand comedians 18 of them get a special from Comedy Central. So these are the 18 they choose to you. There's these other comedians that are working hard that don't have a manager or an agent and just don't know how to get there. And they're hilarious.

It's like the people who are too fucking stupid to get to a big college and they go to community college and they transfer when they get their shit together and now they go to lead the NBA and scoring but for the first two years of college

they were fucking playing with crayons and sharpening pencils and lighting fires and shit and fucking writing on Dixie cups and shit their name. Same thing. It's the same fucking concept. But think about the people

who have never gotten those specials who were really funny that the public doesn't know about. There's so many. So you have to think that the same way comedy is judgmental you have to think that the media news is judgmental the stories they report absolutely you have to assume that when we listen to lead zeppelin there was really three lead

zeppelps we never really listened to because maybe they were one hair or maybe they didn't look right maybe they were all fat and they didn't have the long hair and the look you know how now they'll say uh they're looking for guys who never have to say that's me jason tiba jason they're looking for guys between 27 and 34, and you're like, they're looking for funny. Yeah. But no, they're looking for a demographic. You don't fit it.

You're out. You're out. You're dead meat. So the same way, and I'm not putting down Comedy Central, CNN or anything like that. I'm just making an observation that if you think about what they do with comedians, out of all the great comics that are around us, the ones that get chosen for certain things.

And we're not hating, but you sit there and go, Wait a second. How did this guy get this? Oh, there's a lot of that. And this guy is the fucking king of that. And he didn't even talk to him about this. Right. It must be frustrating from a certain point because I'm one of those people.

I grew up in Boston. And I grew up outside of Boston. So all I grew up watching was premium blend. Like that was when I was growing up, all those things. So those are the people you want to see. And then when you have a choice to go see, if you're looking at the schedule at the improv, and you see someone who you know that you like their special versus Jason Tebow or Joey Diaz who you don't know their names. You're going to pick the person you know what you know you like.

Sure. Yeah, that's why a lot of us covet those, you know, getting those TV spots, getting those things because now you're selling out in some towns where they probably wouldn't even let you feature. And your act hasn't changed. And your act hasn't changed. Your act hasn't changed one single bit from the time your TV thing airs. you know, if you're going to be like on some sort of sitcom or something, you know, it premieres tonight. You're a selling out headliner in two weeks later and your act hasn't changed one bit.

Whether you're good or bad, you know, there's terrible, terrible headliners in this country that get to headline for decent pay that are just headlining because they're on X, Y, Z, who gives a shit show. But, you know, that doesn't work for a long time. Nope. Because it's a perishable product I'm putting out. Listen, there's guys that have a certain air or confidence to them, and it's like in any profession, any profession.

Like if, let's say me and Lee were welders, and we welded for some shipyard in Long Beach. But guess what? Lee's a great welder. For a 28-year-old guy, he's fucking brilliant. But you know what? I welded in Vietnam with missiles getting shot at me. So I'm always going to get hired over fucking Lee

because of the shit gets hairy. I got Vietnam, Lee. What have you been shooting? You know what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's always that extra experience for years. Lee made it ask the question about where we ever frustrated. But you get frustrated, you learn the ropes, and then you realize that every fucking year, every fucking year, five guys pop up.

One because he was on a reality show. One because just, who knows? Random situations. Sure. And all of a sudden, there was a situation. 15 years ago where a guy was in the first

fucking ever reality show Lee you were a kid when reality first started there was fear factor

and something else and something else but there was one show that was like a guy who married a chick

like the first bachelor that guy was a fucking comedian who was flagging whatever you call it like he was at the adjeling

he wasn't doing much he only worked like 10 weeks a year late he got huge so what they did with him Who is it?

I forget his name. And I had just worked with him in Portland's, at Harvey's in Portland, like maybe a year before I moved here from Seattle. I had just worked on him, met him. He was a nice guy. And he was telling me that he was taking a- Was he already on the show then? No. I came down here and all of a sudden one day everybody's talking about it.

Remember that comic? Oh, my God. And he was on there, his popularity built. And all of a sudden, what they did was a great story just to show you that you have to have balls in every angle. what they did was at that time who's the guy that died Robert Schimel Oh Bob Chimel yeah

What they did was they had Robert Schimel and all the Improbs Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday So what did they do? This guy got such a big demand that they cut into everybody's schedule on the improv Jason Tebow, no more Thursday The guy from the bats is coming in You know and you lost but Jason he was putting

You know if you Asses and seats He was putting 400 fucking seats in every market. They had them out from Monday to Sunday for eight months. He didn't build it, so it wanted a pizza at old. You know, and this guy was an old school. Like, he had bricks. He had chops, as they say in the business.

Sure. He had chops, but he never carried the fuck. He never covered the spread. A lot of the last comic standing, a lot of the guys that won last comic standing at first were feature acts. Absolutely. Two weeks later, they're on the road, don't getting 5G's headlining. And just, they can't do 25.

And they can't do 25. They got to call Jean-Pompa and all these alternate comics to fill in the time. They also did the same with my buddy from the one who fucking stabs himself in the eyeballs and shit. Oh, Steve-o. Steve-o. I actually...

You know, yeah. I know him very well. A great guy. But when Steve-O started, at least he was getting on stage and he built it. He would bring two guys with him to do 30. Yeah. And he would do 35, 38, and now he's doing an hour. He taped the fucking special.

So, you know what? Like a guy like that. He's a cool guy. He's a cool guy. Because he gets that. He understood that. And he used to, when he first started doing that, and he's like, well, now I'm getting paid to headline, but I'm not really a comic.

Like, what am I going to do? And, you know, he paid me to, he would just watch, he would record, video record his sets. And he would do 35, 40, he would do everything he could. And he'd, like, come over to my place. We're going to watch my set, and I want you to just, like, as a comic, like, help me punch stuff up, help me stretch stuff out, you know, like, and, dude, we did that for, I don't know, five, six months or something.

That's one thing that when I first got here, I lacked this confidence, but I saw myself in fucked up situations every night. Like, it's like for me, go to Jiu-Jitsu now. When I go to Jiu-Jitsu, there's a part of the class where you warm up. There's a part of the class where you drill, then there's a part of the class where you have to break a guard. Ever since I've been in this advanced class, I haven't broken one guard.

I guess, not only do they fucking sweep me, they submit me, I'm fucking terrible at it. Yeah. That's what happened with Connie. Okay. Everywhere I went,

I had a file in DiMarrera. Paul Mooney, I was always in the dungeon, Carlos Mencia. I went to the Lafractor night. Everybody who walked in was there to crush me. Pablo. Paul Rodriguez and then I had to follow him.

So for a long time, my confidence was crushed. What I didn't know is I was getting killed when I was figuring out ways how to get a little out of binds. So for the first couple times I went on stage, yeah, I didn't get a laugh. But then I started figuring out how to get a laugh at the eight-minute mark, the 12-minute mark. I laughed before I get off.

I learned how to improvise a little bit and get out of my fucking joke. Get the fuck out of the joke then. You got eight people. You're bombing. And you're still going to care. You're still going to do that fucking material that's killing you. Go, go, walk.

Right. And you learn, and all of a sudden you learn how to get yourself out of binds and comedy. That's the beauty of it. That's what a lot of people can't do. You know, sometimes we're up on stage and we say something that's fucked up. We lose them for a couple of minutes. Last night told the story about robbing a chick in L.A. one time. I fingered her, whatever.

She had money in her fucking pocket. Oh, it's tremendous. And you can see the tone of the room changed. Right. But the 20-year experience knows how to talk. through that. Yes. And how to say one word to change the momentum. One word. Something sweet. Something

lovable. Something will change that whole fucking thing around. I saw something brilliant once. A movie came out called What's the movie with Richard Gere and Andy Garcia where they fucking dirty cops? 89.90. Richard Gere was so big.

He was in every 80s thing. What is it? Internal appearance. You ever see that movie? Yeah, no. No, Lee, why would you? Hey. You're busy watching the purple is yellow. Whatever the fuck that dumb show is, but, uh, he was, you know, this guy had just

whatever fuck it is, this guy had just won. I think he won an Academy Award for Office and a Gentleman. Can you check that out for me if you want? Okay. If he won an Academy Award for that, that was like the biggest fight. He did a American jiggle-home, which. Yeah, he was big. He had like a rent five or six in a row.

That was fucking badass. Then he dropped something else. Then he dropped Officer in a fucking gentleman and he was just huge. And then somewhere, you know, I don't know his itinerary of films. I'm not Johnny IMDB,

but somewhere he dropped Internal Affairs. And in Internal Affairs, he played somebody that was just a complete scumbag. But the beauty of it was. he was a cop. Lee, there's a scene where he goes to his ex-wife and he has to give him money for support.

Okay. And he's like, I ain't been good. And also he's like, so what are you doing right now? And she's like, nothing. I'm just on the way for the kids. He goes, he just opens up the bedroom. Open the fucking door.

Like, it's the time to fuck, bitch. He had eight girlfriends in this fucking movie Lee. He was just filthy. He killed his partner. I mean, you were, fucking you you fucking

cheered for him at the end you know and then he came out with pretty women right away and he changed your

perception you forgot all about internal affairs it was a brilliant move I haven't fucking seen in my life I don't think what did you win

an Oscar no I don't think so either the movie won somebody want a fucking asking that movie something happened but who gives a fuck

she won one for that for a pretty woman didn't she did Julie Roberts win somebody I think she won one for that

And I think Officer and a gentleman may be one-one. I don't think he got it, but I think that movie won more. You guys are talking about some very interesting. Some with the conversation change. So Hollywood Henderson did his damage. And when I was in high school, when I had quit in 81, I had heard about this guy Lawrence Taylor and one that it's Thanksgiving. And my friend was supposed to pick me up,

going into Harlem to pick up an eight ball and whatever. And I'm watching Lawrence, Taylor on the outside with a white jersey on, 56, and his fingers are moving. And he's got his left leg up first, and he's ready to block. And also, he's face like he's going to go in, and the quarterback takes the ball and immediately looks to his left and just throws a pass in the three-yard line. And you see Lawrence Taylor scooping and run it back to 97 yards on Thanksgiving Day. My head blew up.

I'm a defense guy. I like people flying and throwing fucking balls and shit, but I'm a defensive guy. Sure. Lawrence Taylor sucked me in, but then I started hearing things. Like, I was out copping, and I would hear about it. You were in New York at the hit. I'm in that run, right? In the 80s, that's where you were.

I'm in New York at this run. Sure. So, 83, there was a party for Z-100. Is that a radio station? A radio station. And that's the first time I heard anything, Jason T. But all so I hear, these girls from my hometown went. and they came back and their heads were blown.

You're not going to believe in everybody. I blow. Leonard Marshall. Fletting Lawrence Taylor. And I'm like, no, Lawrence Taylor does not do coke. Like at first I got, like, I'm mad, and then I go. But now you're at the time doing code. Yeah, I'm fucking.

So why were you shocked that he did? Because he was one of my heroes. Oh, because you had him on a pastel in your head. It's like Julius serving. I find out he's a woman being or nothing. Julia serving is a saint all his life. He's never done. fucking thing except his son was a junkie but it ain't his fault it was like sometimes you got to get one to get one so uh when lorence taylor got

around i started hearing little stories and then i moved to colorado and that winter i'm hearing stories that not only of the fucking uh uh the giants buying blowing stuff but they're hanging out in the bar i was hanging out and they would lock the door and take it out And snort, Leonard Marshall, a couple of white dudes. And at this time, my friend was a ball boy for the Nets. And he's selling Coke to Darrell Dawkins. And Darrell Dawkins is giving him a sneakers so he could sell him after the game to make more Coke money. Fucking tremendous fucking stories because they get a new pair of sneakers for every game.

Every game, yeah. I didn't know that. They usually give him away to some sort of charity. Not this guy, not Daryl Dawkins. He was giving him to fucking whatever this kid name was Noel. And Noel would sell him. He would sign him. just crazy shit.

So I left. And that winter, I was hearing all these rumblings. So I come back February of 84. And I'm just, I go from fucking being a saint. Like, not really, I'm not going to lie to yet. I was at least trying to. Sure. And then by the summer, it was everywhere.

Cocaine was everywhere. It was to the point where Lee was selling Coke. Like, Lee would call me up and go, listen, my date came over here and asked me, I didn't know anything about cocaine. I know you like it. So I got you something Really, Lee? Yeah Fucking Lee, man

I'll be right over How much did you get me? I don't know He said it was two pounds 2.2 pounds and G-low? And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? That's how it got Because people were getting it At 1.84 was

It was everywhere. It was like the weed stores now. I always compare it to the growth to the weed store. That's interesting. And Scarface is fucking ripping it. It's on VCR now And everybody's at home watching Scarface.

Every time he says, fuck, they're doing a line of Coke. It was out. The summer of 84, you got Scarface, you got Michael Jackson, you got Bruce Springsteen born

in the USA, you got Michael, and you got Blow everywhere, and everybody's selling it. And the most unlikely people are fucking selling Bloop. And people are saying to you, like, Joey,

can you get rid of this? I don't know. I'll ask Tebow. Now, weren't people really doing it? It wasn't as secretive, right? Like, because it wasn't as bad for you

known to be as bad. At that point, nobody was really, there was a few ads that said, I lost my job, I lost my house, I lost my car. Like, ad executives,

all the very, were going out. It went from a white-collar drug. Right, by 85, people were already fighting it. Yeah. They were fighting fucking the Colombians,

Pablo Escobar. It was on. But on the streets of New York City, Miami You know Any way you went You get coke in five fucking minutes And I had friends that were

Like I'm telling you guys that worked for the town Of North Bergen that were like plumbers They were calling me up and go Can you come over here? I guess the neighbor's Colombia And he wanted me to ask if anybody could He gave me a lounge Yeah take it

And I'll go, you fucking serious And it wasn't just fucking It was real 1984 you I still got right I only because I was so young young back then, you know, 84, so I was probably like 6, 15, 14, something like that back then. I never had like big Coke runs. I never had, you know, back then.

But it was definitely around. I remember my father doing Coke. I remember all his friends doing Coke. And that whole scene, by the time, like, I'm like old enough to be dicking around with drugs or anything like that, the weed was already coming. It was already starting to be weed. You know, it was before, you know, then there was that whole ecstasy. That was a quick thing everybody doing ecstasy.

It felt like a, I think that's just like a young person's drug. All that stuff just evolved. Listen, my Kualud became their ecstasy. Totally right. Then XSys became DMH and this became this, but it's here. So here you go. My Tony's it was Valium. Valium.

So October of 84, I'm gone, Tebow. And me and my friends went to a giant game to watch the Tampa Bay Buccaneers against the Giants with a running back called James Wilder. Okay. I didn't remember you. That was a beautiful fucking man, and he could run the ball. Lawrence Taylor's at the top of his fucking game. Okay, at that point, October, everybody knew, listen, there's the, listen, here's the plan, dog.

Lawrence Taylor, what do you want to do it? Right. You got two options. You block and you play the rest of the field and you throw away from him and you run away from him or you could run at him. Both ways you're going to lose. Yeah. Both ways he's going to figure it out by the second quarter and you're going to be

buried. And that game, I saw something that I had never seen before. Like it taught me about life. Tampa Bay said, we're going to tell you what we're going to motherfucker to do. He snorted the entire 43-yard line. No. Tampa Bay. He came out and he goes, give me the fucking ball, and I'm going to run it right at Lawrence. Nobody's

ever done that before. Nobody's ever done. Let's try. It worked. He cracked Lawrence Taylor. And we're fucking me up after that is nobody ever caught that. Because Lawrence Taylor was always chasing. nobody ever went at him.

They went at him. I'm telling you, he was probably shocked at that too. Every play was down Lawrence Taylor's mouth. You know what? We're going to give it to you. You want to run the outside? He's going to be running there.

And Lawrence Taylor kind of sort of, and I learned something even about life. Just go, go. And I'll never forget that game. So now I go crazy. I try to get my life together. I stop doing blow. I have a friend who a house burns down.

House burned down? Like half of it burnt down. So the insurance company those days put you in a hotel. Right. And they put her up. It could be a Marriott. I'm too old now. I used to know the name then.

It could have been a fucking Marriott. It could have been a Hilton. Anyway, this place had the best happy hour at the time. What city? It was in Lynnhurst, New Jersey. Okay. Lynn Hurst was the town next to it. And they pretty much, and you're hearing this from Joey Dias,

a fat fuck. They invented the happy hour at that time. Yeah. The ground round had the fucking Monday night football game with the meatballs and the wings and shit. But this place gave it to you for gratis on the arm and I'm talking about glaze wings

and a lee-like swim. I like Mar-a-Que. They had that. They had wings. They had meatloaf. They had pot roast mashed potatoes. People would fucking caterers with fucking suit on giving you food. So this girl tells me, she goes, you got to come.

The giants are downstairs. Oh, shit. They're down there every fucking night. Come, I get to the hotel. At the time, I'm trying to be cleaning so. I'm smoking dope. And she's staying there just because that's where they put her up. Her and her mom got two separate rooms, and she's a fucking nut.

She's a fucking, the real deal, holy field. It's 1985. I'm 22 years old, maybe, 21. I'm the real deal, holy field. I'm just looking for a gun or an envelope to end up in jail. And I ended up going over there one day And they're all there The Knicks are there

Cool and the gang is there Cooling the gang Oh my God Because they're all from New Jersey It's a it's a predominantly black bar That was connected to the hotel It was no, it was in the hotel Like this is a hotel bar

And all of a sudden this was the fucking spot Yeah From five to nine every night Nobody knew This is where everybody who Everybody went to the city looking for these guys, we're here. Right.

The Lynn Hurst Sheridan. Nobody knew about the Lynn Hurst fucking Sheridan. I get a call. I get down there. Lynn Hurst Sheridan is rocking and fucking rolling. Sure. I see the center from the Knicks, not Patrick Ewing. The other guy.

I see Cool in the gang. I see the guy who ended up tackling Cunningham. That was number 55 on the... Remember the Giants had two linebackers. They not only had Lawrence Taylor, but they have the other motherfucker. I saw him in there. like, oh shit.

And the whole night I'm watching them, and as 9 o'clock comes and they take away the food, they play like black music, and they're dancing, and you can see some of them, their jaws are gone. Yeah. And the word on the street is that Lawrence Taylor shows up there.

So I said, fuck it, that's my hero. Yeah. And at this time, if I meet my hero, I'm going to have a fucking jeepo. I don't give a fuck what part of my sobriety. Yeah. I'm going off the deep end for LT.

Totally. I fucking shoot up. I come back for, Friday with an A ball, I go to the fucking bar. I'm sitting there. I have not done it yet. I'm drinking at that time. In those days, they used to drink rusty nails.

That's how deep I was in that time, the cocaine world. But I would open up with a disgusting, disgusting southern comfort in orange shoes. Oh, I was, you know what, back in that neck of the one for me, it was always seven and sevens and white Russians. What about white Russians? White Russians after, it's too much sugar. Yeah. The next morning you wake up and it's a sledge head. I'm saying just to kickstart the party.

Oh, no, no, three or four of those. I love those. I love those. I can't drink them all night. I couldn't drink them all night. I couldn't drink them all night. I couldn't drink them all of Irish cream. Aureto, not Amaretto.

The other one. almond. Amarro? No, the creamy one. Yeah, almond milk. No. You can do that with that. Stop.

I wouldn't put almond milk in your cocktail. What type of fucking soldier would I be? I put a little milk in your fucking cocktail. What are you talking about? But you have to put, that's the cream you would use for it, though. Yeah. Just that. Just the touch of it.

So now I get the, I call, my name was Tasia. I call Tazza. I'm coming down. That's one whose house burned down. Yeah, and they call her. I go, I got a package. She's going to bring a cab. Let's have a great time.

I go there. I don't do nothing. I don't even, I tell her I have a package, but it's coming. I'm going to go. It's 10 minutes away. She keeps calling the bar. Give it the phone to Joey because she knew everybody at this time. She was there for like two weeks.

And by this time, she was running the joint. She was coming down. Tad. There was a tap. She'd come down. see you sitting there put it on his tab. Hey,

he don't give me a hug. She was the real deal. So now it's about 9.30. And who do I see you walk in? L.T. Yeah. With football shorts,

but cut. Really? No elastic. A leather jacket down to his ankles. White socks, sneakers. And like a football practice jersey, like the ones with the holes in them. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. You can see his chest and shit. Sure. And he walks in with a leather jacket, and he orders like a cocktail. He's winning essentially practice a gear and a leather coat. And it's June. Now, by that time, and you ask you a brother, Ari Shafir, by this time, not only were the giants, the Nix, hanging out there, but the generals hanging out there, too. And I met a guy that I used to talk to every time I was in.

His name was Herschel Walker. He was the nicest guy in the world. Everybody says that. And one night, five years ago, me and Ari, the UFC, and I look up, and there's Herschel Walker. And I go, Ari, watch what happens when he sees me. And as soon as he saw him, he was like, oh, shit, we couldn't talk where we had been. You know what I'm saying? Because we both had to.

I mean, I saw him in there. Did he do blow him? No. He's the nicest guy in the world. He was niggins his dick sucked. There was white broad, you know. In those days, you could take a white bra in the car and you'll samink you suck. And nobody said nothing.

In those days? Oh, my God. Nowadays, it's rape. It's right. Yeah. No, it's fucking crazy. So now I see. Isn't that cool when somebody like that that you're such a fan of, you know, you meet him, you know them, you get to know them.

And when they come by and they're like, hey, Joey, what's up? You're like, holy fuck, Herschel, fucking Walker knows me. 30 fucking years that we, because I, and then I saw him once, and we reconnected. And I go, this guy's good with faces. The time I saw him, he surprised me. So when I saw him with Ari, I go, he's going to remember me. And sure enough, he goes, hey, oh, my God. No shit.

Remembered you? Totally remember you. It's crazy. But here it is. This is the fiend I was. You ready, Jason? Just calling you, Jason. Yeah.

Sorry, man. I'm cool with it. I'll just call you Tebow. You call me whatever you want. The story was Lawrence Taylor orders a drink and goes, I got to pee, and he goes to the bathroom, and guess who follows him like a little bitch? I'm in and throw a stab at you, yeah, of course. And I follow him in there, and I walk up to him, and I go, dog, I got some shit that killed the mule.

And he goes off on me, Tebow. Really? The fuck are you talking about? Get that shit away from me, you punk-ass bitch. How fuck your world done? he wouldn't shut the fuck up. Was he fucked up already? No.

Okay. He was straight as an arrow. Okay. His eyes were clear. I looked right in his eyes. His jaw wasn't going. See, if I fucked up, if his jaw was going, he would have said, give me a taste of that. Because once your jaw's going, your mind's thinking I might run out of mind.

Yeah. Let me take half of his. Nobody will know nothing. There's no cameras in the bathroom. Once you're in, you're in. Once you're in, Lee, how you doing over there? Look at Lee. You look a little still in, Lee.

I'm doing, yeah, I'm actually doing pretty... Lee's going to Austin with me. Fuck, yeah, I'm going to Austin. That's going to be fun. Are you guys going to do a live pod from there? No. Nothing like that. He's just coming along.

He's just coming along. He doesn't, he never goes on, on the road. I know he's a foodie. You love Austin. You know, I know in the morning I wake up and we already be gone. I found a place that I can't, I know I can't go because he'll have spies there now that I'm going to mention it. But all they do is cheeseburgers made with donuts, like donut for buns. How far from the hotel?

I don't know. I don't know what I didn't do that search yet. All right. We'll see. See, this is the shit he wants. Fair food. You want to eat fair food. I'm not going to go there.

He's not going to go there. You're going to go there. I don't blame you. Go take a pictures and come talk about it on the podcast. No, I've never had a... I've never had a dinner burger, but that's what Yelp shows you. Oh, and actually, for all your Yelp hate, did you see the news last week? Now they're allowed to take money,

to boost reviews. Yelp is? Yeah, they just, they just want a kiss of death for them. They just want a court case. They say they don't. They say they don't, but they just want them right to. That ruins their legitimacy. Yeah.

Even if it's not already ruined. You know, man, if you go on a website, before you do business with somebody, you're three steps behind anyway. I can call five people right now and go lead. Do you know a photographer? No, but let me call Paula. Maybe she knows somebody.

Right. And right away. So if you say to me, I never understood that. I take your word, your family. I take your word. Why would I yell somebody? Why would I? You know, I'm a fat fuck.

I hear things about restaurants. I try them out. Do you want me to yelp them to the world and throw the people under the bus? No. Out here, nine other fucking 10 restaurants I go to eat ass. They're overrated. I don't get it. It's also that other thing, too, where it's like, who goes to see a movie?

and writes a letter to the theater that's like, hey, I just want to let you know, everything went good. I had a good time at the movie, thanks. The air conditioning was a little off. But other than that, it's perfect. My husband's sweat. Once the plane hit the river with Sully, my husband started sweating.

What the fuck? You know what was going to happen, cock's sucker? Yeah. But the people that do contact the movie theater, are the people that are like, hey, that was a dead rat in my fucking pop porn. And, you know, if you're pissed off, you'll take action.

If everything's fine, you don't say shit. So you read all these reviews, and it's just a bunch of people saying horrible shit. Yeah, that's all of it. I would never walk into a restaurant because of a yell review. I'd rather T-bo come over to me. Never. You ever go to that? I've never done it.

When you work Zanis, Joey, around the corner, there's a place then. Yeah. You know what that meatball hero? Remember with the fries? They opened up one. I'm going because you told me. You did it from shit. You know, it's so weird for me, and I try to fuck with Lee, and I'm happy he's going there,

but I have to take leave, like Lee's going to Chicago. Have you ever been to Chicago? No, I've never been to Chicago. You know, the weirdest thing, when I went there last time, and I hate saying this in front of Chicago people, the last time I went there, the best meal I had was oatmeal and coconut milk. Really?

The restaurant had it on the menu. And it was fantastic? Fantastic. Where at? Wherever Zanis put me up a hotel, like three doors down. Because they were the condo right behind the club, but you never stayed at it. there? No, they put me in a hotel.

You're at the downtown Zanis? This time I'm in Rosemont. That's what. That's why. I shoot the specials in Rosemont. But that place has like those high-end restaurants. When I worked down in Zanis, Lee would like that. Like next time I take the special. Because that's all to walk around. I'm going on Wednesday and just let him walk around.

Leo come back 10 pounds heavier. He already shipped Bratworth to fucking California. The guy's going to mail from tomorrow. Austin's great, though. Austin's great food. Chicago's great food, though. Chicago's great food, though. And the problem with Chicago and places like that for guys like you, the native, is that you know the response.

You know, it's like if I go and go, listen, on planes, cranes and car crashes, the chef goes to this place. And you're like, listen, Joey, ever since he went in there, they're 1599, I got a place. Yeah. Or it's a black guy that picks his nose. That's how good it still is. Sure. And they're 699 with sourcrow and all. And you follow me.

You know the place. No. You know more and where not to go. Like, right. You know exactly where not to go. Did you go there on a Saturday at 6 o'clock? You go to like Rush Street to go have cocktails on a Saturday night. It'd be like, nobody there goes there. That's like, oh, let's go walk around Hollywood Boulevard on Friday night. You know, that's all tourists.

You know, it's all people that want to, you know, nobody hangs out at Hollywood Boulevard that lives in Hollywood. You know, we avoid that place. We go the little cracks in the wall. You got a little dives. keep those places in business you know what I mean this giant corporate fucking fake places

I like I loved the mom and pop I'll take a dive bar over with a jukebox and 12 seats and that's it and the same bartender that seems like they live there

like you could go there at 6 in the morning you can go there two in the morning they're still there you know I'll take that over the fucking saddle ranch and all these big ass fucking

that was the transition and party that got me That was the transition and party where I fell apart. When I was young, I went to a couple of those clubs. It was fun, but I knew it wasn't my world. The big dance clubs, the one where you drank for free till six, that was cool. The three or four times I went out of the rooftop.

I went with 10 of my friends. You get lost for two minutes and you meet them again, you talk. But I knew it wasn't my world. I had grown up in a neighborhood bar. My mom had a neighborhood. She fed the neighborhood. They came in. You drank when the food's done.

There was always a container on the bar with sandwiches cut already, a little ham and cheese sandwiches with a thing with a fly in there. You can open it up in the fly. It was just, that's the feeling I want. Yes. I go to a bar and I got to hear music. I don't want to fucking hear. I'm deaf. You go to

Vegas. Somebody asked you to go to get a drink. The music's fucking blast. I can't even hear you. I can't. No. I want to go to a place. I don't want to hear shit. You want to shoot pool, but conservatively, go over there. Once you start bringing people who look like our sons of anarchy, I don't want to be there.

I just want to be there. You know what I'm saying? I want a place where the drinks are cheap. Yeah. I could curse. Nobody gets insulted. Yeah. Give me a bar where you can still smoke inside.

When I first moved to Hollywood, there was a place on Santa Monica and Gardner. There's a little fast food joint there on the corner. Okay. Okay, it's fucking, you'll get gonorrhea for meat. There's lizard meat. But across from there, at Leasonlizummeet.com.

I'm going to see where it is. That's the fucking page he likes. Astro Burger. Oh, shit, that's still there. Astro burger. It's still there. That's where Astroberger is. Still there.

But 10, 15 years ago, only the man himself, Doug Stamom found the place that the breakfast is good. Plus, you could smoke cigarettes in there. Of course. Where is it? Is it a bar right? It was like they fronted it.

It was like a restaurant with one table up front. They didn't really want those people there. And then you had to know the owner and you'd go into the back and it was an outdoor seating. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. They had the wooden, like a wooden fence with mine on it. Two eggs, sunny side up. I know exactly what I'm talking about. toast and shit oatmeal.

Not bad. It was like a Mexican name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something. They were something weird. They were nice people, but I never mingled. When you would go in the restaurant part, it didn't even look like it was open. there'd be like one next thing guys

standing in there. They're like, is this even open? And then when you go in the back, there's like 40 people. They had a petition to keep it open and they fucking lost. I know exactly what you're talking about. You know Daniel Stewart used to live right by that place. Wow.

Astro fucking burger. A lot of times I wanted that two in the morning to get a anything. Like a mushroom burger or something. Their burgers aren't. And I was living in my car. You try living in your car.

When you parked in at 4 in the morning, you got to go to the bathroom. and you're on E and you've got to start the car and go to a park and take a shit. That's when Astro Burger, you learned to hate that shit because it failed you at a tough time. It failed you at a tough time. I went there, I gave you my confidence. Now here I am in my Nissan Center on fucking Vista parked the other way, and I got to take a shit.

I already fought it three times. I got the sunroof open. I got the four windows open. How long have you known Stanhope? What year did you guys meet? Did you mean in LA? No. I met him out here.

1991. Get out. I'm lying to it. 1992. I started comedy June of 91. I won the contest December 18th of 91. And I talked the management at the broker in out of the fucking magician. They had a magician who was a host.

He was really old. He was just fucking terrible and people would throw shit at him. Really? And I pointed out to the man. managed and so they gave him movie night and they gave me comedy night. I thought not to hurt his feelings. I was like, oh listen, I'm going to put you out movie and I do a couple tricks.

Introduced the movies and then don't let the door in the ass. His name was like Magico or so. He was awesome. Yeah. It was fucking horrid. So I started hosting at the broker in on Tuesday nights for the Beck's Comedy Night

1992 at like eight minutes of material and eight minutes. Every Tuesday. day a new headline. Do you imagine Joey Diaz with only eight minutes to his name? Oh my God. Oh my God.

So you do the same eight minutes every week? No, because the same customers came in every week. We got it already figured it out after six months of comedy that the same motherfuckers came in because not only did you get to watch comedy for $15, $15, $15, you got a steak, a big potato and a steak and a fucking salad. That's a good deal. Okay. So people come in at 7.30, eat.

And then the comedy show would start about 815, 820. Cocktails, too. They got open ball and let out. Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And it was known for being a big pickup joint on Wednesday nights. Okay.

Wednesday was their mingle night. We'd find they put shrimp bowls on. People would go in there with their fingers and eat shrimp. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, yeah, shrimp. When you went to the broker in those days and sat down to eat dinner, you know, they bring you bread at restaurants. They brought you a shrimp bowl.

Mm. And you sat there, and they had a curtain so you can give you a wife a stabbing in there, or sucky, sucky, or do a little twist. A stabbing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tuck some dick into your wife. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is some crazy shit, but that's where...

Is it still there? Still, I don't know if it's still there. You have to look at up one night on a Tuesday that I went there. There was a kid with long hair, skinny, young. And his name was Doug Stanhope when he was featuring. And we started talking. And in those days, it was a complete run. So it was Boulder on Tuesday.

You had Wednesday off. And then you had to go to a fucked up part of Colorado. Like, fucked up. Craig Colorado. Which is where? This is, I have no idea. And but on the itinerary, when I did comedy there six years later,

on the it itinerary for that night, it said, this room is active. Do not, what's that when somebody says something to you and you say something back? Oh, like interact. Do not interact. Get off the stage,

go to your hotel room, and let management call you. No, really? Why? because it's like and when I got there when I got there it was you on the stage

20 feet of a fucking open room and then there was a glass and they would watch you from the other side of the fucking glass really because there had been so many fucking problems at this place for comedians and comedians

will lash out at them and Craig is like the site at that time I don't know the population now at that time it was a Thursday night that paid triple a lot of money like $3,000 a week

they'd thought they were getting fucking Milton Burrell and they were getting Joey Diaz. Uncle Milty. They got all Joey Diaz with his eight minutes of comedy coming in. So you had Craig on Thursday, you know, like Colorado Springs on Friday, and you had

something on Saturday. But that Tuesday night, that Wednesday hurts you, bro. Yeah. Because if you're a feature, trip only gives you 50 bucks. You got 85 for the night and you pick up 50. A hotel in those days is 25. You got a subway sandwich or six pack of beer. You're breaking even. And you break a fucking eat.

of those tribbles were always breaking even. You always break it even. You just cut your chop show. Yeah, because there's a, by the way, during the week. You're doing that because you want stage time. Yeah, you want stage time. You want to learn. The money that you get will get you to and from and probably something to eat and maybe

maybe a place to sleep. And that's it. You don't come back with money, but you come back better at comedy and seasoned. It's funny how, uh, so I used to look at the comics. I had just gotten divorced. I had a two-bedroom house. I had a living room. I had a couch.

had a TV, and I would look at how cool the features were. All the headline. You know, if there were dynamite guys, like I got along with stuff, I go, way saying tonight, and they go, I'm going to think I'm about getting an hotel for $60. I go, keep the $60. I was a starving comic. I wasn't starving yet. I still had credit card money.

I still had the condo because I was living in it. And I would bring them over and basically pick their minds. Let them sleep. I'd have weed. If they wanted to do a couple bumps, I get a couple bumps from them. And we wake up in the morning, they take a shower, and they go to Craig Colorado. And Stanhope was one of those guys I met. First time he came as a feature.

Eight months later, he came back as a headline. He had just done the big show at the time, inside the improv. What was the name of the? Night at the improv. He had just done that. Now he was a headliner. And he was on his way. I could tell when I saw him eight months later, I'm like, this kid's on his way.

You saw the difference between featured a headlining. And something in him had changed. And then I didn't see him. We lost contact. I got heavily into comedy, but I kept missing him. Then you, him and Herschel Walker all ran into each other. Yeah. I kept missing him.

I kept missing Doug Stanhold. Doug Stanhoard had just been here three weeks ago. He ripped up this room. At this time, it's 96, 97, 90, no, 94. At this time, I'm feeling, you know, I'm okay. I've been doing comedy for three years on paper, but solid for 18 months, like a warrior.

Yeah. I got something to work with. People are still not bringing down the house, but I get my moments. You know what I'm saying? And it's only going to get better. I'm into it. I write, you know,

I do my thing. I'm living in my car. And I'm in Seattle. I go to Seattle. And I actually start featuring up there. Like, that's the first. I featured, my first feature weekend was for Lori Kilmartin. She's around her own.

I know her. I know exactly what she is. And, uh... Can you still have the gigs around every now on that? Yeah, yeah. She's at the store and shit. And I stayed there and I joined the contest.

I semi-finaled. And, no, there's a bunch of shit that, uh, uh, went, whatever. Then 96 came and dog, the hottest name in comedy was Doug Stano. Like, you heard about this from fucking everywhere. Then he won the San Francisco County. I met him right after that. And bam. That was it. That was it.

Was this style the same then? Like, was he doing the same stuff? Craziness. Crazinessly. So here's the story, guys. I'm in Seattle. I'm doing all right as a feature act. You know, I'm not paying my bills.

I'm trying to sell weed. I'm hooking up as a bookmaker like I told you, Josh Moof has an office. I got a $1,800 number. I'm fronting sports information. I'm taking numbers. I'm working it. You know, I'm trying to come out.

I got an addiction. I got a girlfriend who was a stripper who I like How she sucks the dick I gotta come up with 200 for a dinner once in a while Yeah So Boom I got a feature spot On a Friday

No I'm lying here This is in Seattle This in Seattle Guess who's coming to town June Like fifth or six Hersil Walker Doug Stannell And I had already made plans

On the six to go camping With the girl I was dating Yeah We had already had a campsite The truck And the whole fucking thing And I never forgot I said, you know what, I'm a civilian this Friday night.

In those days, either you worked Sunday through Thursday, but unless you were working, you had the weekend all. That's just the level you're at. And you only got one week in the month where you worked in those days. You were just striving for feature spots. And every once in a while, you would call me and go, Joey, I got a headlining gig that featuring 50 bucks in the hotel room. We got to drive to Portland.

Let's fucking do it. You know, that's how you learn to get into the club. Sure. Featuring is the way in the club. Interclubs. People ask me that all the time. Like, you know, do your thing and then find somebody who's headlining and get him to feature for it. That's the way in. That's the way they want you to get in. No, that's the way. Come with somebody that's kind of vowsing for you. I'll watch you work for the weekend and I'll decide if I want to, you know, have you come out. And then they work with you in a way. They do. They start bringing you as a co-headliner to have you fill the holidays. So Friday night, Doug Stanhocks in town. Like June 5th or 6 in 1996. And at that time, I had worked through a lot of good acts in Seattle, you know, like headliners, and I'm like, okay,

I'm a good fucking company. Mitch was up there at the time. Tom Rhodes would go up there. There was a lot of comics that were out in the up and up. And dog, I'm going to tell you how it is. That motherfucker got on stage for the late show on Friday night. And 20 years later, I'm going to tell you,

I had never seen anything like that. Really? He tore that room to half. But at that time, he was really wild. That's what he was doing, his bucket of vagina's joke. That's what he was doing, his, you know, just the raw shit in the world, you know, with the bikini, the bikini was somewhere in there. She was so fat.

It was like flas, dental flaws. He was just throwing fucking heat. I had to tell you something. I left that night, and I doubted myself as a comedian. That's in your... Yeah, that was... Like that Saturday and Sunday, I was like, maybe I could start being an electrician again

because I go, I'll never be able to do what I just saw this weekend. And I processed it and I go, that's the goal. That's the guy. That's the guy you got to emulate. That's the guy. That thing that's wrong is right. See what I'm saying? That's great.

That thing that's wrong, it's what's right there. That's what's going to get them to the top. And that's the style you want to have. That thing that's wrong, that's right. You know what? It's very easy for me to look at the mirror and go, you know what? I'm a handsome 25-year-old.

Let me go up there, talk about this, this, this and this, and take my fucking chances, not have any chops. And then there's the guy that knows where he's coming from. You know, he's... I don't even know what happened. I'm so fucking high. Look at this fucking Jamok.

And then you're high. You're looking at me, hypnotizing me, trying to make me fucking higher. You know I said it last time I was here, and the time before that, I believe I said it, but this time I really mean it. This is the highest I've ever seen you look. Well, it's only 1,200 milligrams.

That's it. Then you take an extra two? No, I did. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. When? I took it before. You looked at me like a mook, so I didn't know.

Let's get him to eat some more. Yeah, he needs two more. He's got to get early. You need two more, bro. Tebow, you look good. Thanks, buddy. I feel good. Really good.

Your eyes look really fucking. You know, really? I almost start to think you're hitting on how old. How long? A little, like, right around eight months right now. You know, went out, had a meltdown one weekend, just anger, anger, you know. And then, actually, I talked to you right at right then. Right after that, you know, it's just, and then, you know, one thing that you got to do is like,

and you and you and I say that all the time. It's like, man, this ain't a perfect thing, you know? And it's like, shit's going to get to you, man. And when it does, you just got to get right back up, right? And that's a difference between me and like any time ever when I've been sober. It's like, when I would fuck up, I'd be like, nah, man, see, I already fucked up. Might as well just be out for fucking till it's really bad again. You know what I mean?

It's like, you got to just like, dude, okay, cool, man. It's another day. It's another day. There's a moment every day Where I look around my surroundings I look at Lee I look at you I look at my wife

Delicate It's delicate I look at around And I look at the people In my life now And I look through the people That had in my life then And for some reason

Every day Just to keep me sane And I look at all these things For a split centimeter Because that's where we get the addiction from I think of the darkness for like a split second. You think of running into a building

where your life used to be like and it's like a fucking movie. It plays. You don't even remember being in. It plays in my head like a movie. I went to Hollywood and they took a side street and I got goosebumps. That was the street. I used to make the right and but there's a little Jewish center for kids.

You just randomly did it and not even... In those days there was no kids being shot yet so there was no security guard. So I would park right in the juice center And just wave with the teachers And they would wave back at me But once somebody got shot Somebody got shot around here

At Wilshire Boulevard Somebody they had security guards So I couldn't park that I used to park that and go get blow And you think of those creepy nights Me and my wife Always have a conversation Where I made it take me at 3 in the morning

And they get blow I lied to it. We got to go and get a CD for a movie I have to an audition tomorrow I have to watch this film horrendous and I could tell it doesn't take a genius to know that she knew why she was there at three in the morning parked that side of building eventually you might get away with it a couple times but eventually you're going to be like come on man we both know what's going on here at least be honest you know I thought to myself the times I thought I could never even imagine that

my life would be clean never mind be married and have a child there was never It all starts with one day. It all starts with one moment. Ever. You know, for people who think it's, for two fucking years, the last fucking, you know what I would do?

Let me tell you the deepest shit because what the fuck, why do a podcast or we can't get deep? Totally. You know, I would be one of those guys that I would snort half the package and lose it.

That was where I was. I could take a gram of the bed. You're like you can't find it, lose it? No, no, no, no, no, no. Losing in my mind. Oh, sure. I'm the type of guy. that the way I am with weed is the way I've always been.

Listen. You see how I smoke cigarettes? I want the best smoking town. So when you meet that Mexican, you call me. And you would call me a professional. I go, Joey, listen, you go there and come. I got a guy. You got to see this shit clean, 1980s, eyeballs, the whole fucking thing.

And at those days, I was snort in half the package. I'd go upstairs and whack off. And then I'd go out, make believe I was writing. And I'd do a couple more. little fucking bumps, you know. And then the last package, I would take inside and lock the door in the bathroom and I would actually

do them in front of the mirror to prove to the mirror this is the last time I was doing coke. And I'd have a 40 minute conversation with the mirror. I'd go fuck yourself, go fuck your mother. You fucked up my life, you son of a bitch. And I'd fake the tears.

You fucked my life up. And I'd rip the Coke and I'd throw in the fucking toilet. And I'd I'll never do coke again. That's the last thing. Would you actually throw Coke away or just the empty bag? No, I would do the empty pack.

I'm fucking confused. Yep. No, I got fucking confused. I had a wall in Boulder. I had the Rocky apartment downstairs and I had this shitty bathroom that you actually slid the door open and it was a metal shower.

It was 400 a month. I didn't give a fuck. You know? And they had a sink and a nice bathroom. The landlord was a cool motherfucker. But he had put a piece of sheet rock up and never finished it. And there was a little slip back there.

So the last of my Coke, I had windows in the apartment. So I would never do coke out there. So I would always take them in the bathroom and do the last little bit and lick it and throw in that wall. Oh, my God. One time, after like nine months in my mind, I was convinced I threw one in there with a fucking package. I ripped a wall open. Of course. That's addiction.

And I got to be honest with, there was so many little packages. I was embarrassed. I was like, oh, my God. I didn't want it. But guess what I did. that I opened each one of them. And licked each one. Licked them, looked in there, snorted it.

And incredible. Oh, my God, incredible. It's incredible. So I think of that shit for two minutes. I remember one time looking in the mirror, my buddy had a gun. And they're coming in to, and it wasn't his gun. But the landlord's coming to like do like all these inspecting things. So he's like, hey man, let me put, you know, it's in the case, all that kind of shit.

fucking store this at your place till the landlord's done doing this whole inspection. I don't want to see this fucking gun. So I had it under the bat. It wasn't loaded. It wasn't loaded. I don't even think I had bullets for it. But I remember being fucking hammered. I was coked up.

I was drinking by myself, doing coke by myself. The party's long over, long over. Even though it lasted another five, four or five years. But I remember looking in the mirror and putting that gun in my mouth and just looking at myself and being like, that's how it would go. It'll go down like that. I can make it. Because I wanted to see what it looked like with me with a gun in my mouth. And then I started crying.

I'd be very honest. Then I started crying because I was like at that point in my life. But I was crying because I was like, who's making these fucking decisions? I'm not the kind of dude that just puts a gun in my mouth and is like, let me see what it looks like, if I want to kill myself because I was so depressed. And so who's making those fucking decisions? What part of my brain goes? And that guns under your bed, man. You can put that in your fucking mouth.

Just see what it looks like. You don't even have bullets. Don't you have bullets. Who, what mechanism in my brain is in charge of that shit? And it's always been my addiction, man. It's always been, it's always, you know, and as long as that, I was talking to this kid. I met this kid at a meeting today. And he was a fan of comedy.

You know, and he's a fan of podcast. So he's like, man, I saw you this meeting. It was really a surreal moment for me because actually hear you talk on different podcasts and all that sort of shit. And he's like, you know, I'm an aspiring young comedian too and blah, blah, blah. But I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not. I don't know if I'm an addict or not. And, you know, I'm just kind of trying to figure that out. And he's like, well, why did you, as far as comedy, what was one of the reasons that you

quit. I mean, because I really quit because I was going to die. Or just have a horrible life. And I was like, because I can't compete at the level of comedians I hang out with, with booze and drugs in my life. You know, you think, you know, you, Rogan, you know, all these different, ARI, all these different, when I was doing open mics, yeah, man, I could drink and do blow and fucking bang with them. You know, when you're featuring, yeah, you can, but when you start getting to a level

where everybody's got a goddamn you know fourth degree black belt in comedy if I'm fucking slipping up and getting I can't compete you know I'm just a dude that drives home and it's like man I better go back to plumbing

I better rethink this game because you know it's like it's all about giving yourself a motherfucking chance for me for me no listen I feel the same fucking way I remember going you know what I done movies

I done TV I can't get fucking arrest This has to end. I'm a being on a plane. And Rogan throwing one of his fucking remarks out and going, you know, man, when one thing is broken in your life, it affects everything.

And that saying, stay with me for about a year. It ate at me. Every time I did a line of coke, it really did. The worst. The worst is knowing better. Having, like, knowledge in your head and then fucking booze in your gut. And you're like, why? I think about it.

I. Some nights when I'm bored, Mike, could you imagine me right now going to a bar in Hollywood and getting a gram and walking myself in the hotel room and doing a couple bumps? How much you would hate yourself? No, no, no. I couldn't even imagine. I couldn't even imagine. I don't even want it in my fucking hand.

I can't even have. I'm to the level in my life that I was around drunk people since I was fucking four. My mom had a bar. I'm done. I'm done. I just want to smoke a number. and relax and go back to my room and maybe there's some fucking

milky way or something or a fucking bottled water and you just sit and you watch an episode of Law &orn and you go to bed. That's the excitement I want. It's so fucking weird out of year. Everything changes, you know? And you kind of talking earlier about like the bars you liked. A few weeks ago my girlfriend was away in Europe. I was bored one night.

I tried to go to two bars. One bar I went to was up the street from where I used to live. An Irish bar and they were saying, karaoke. So that was, that was out. I'm out. I don't want that. And then there was a sports bar down the street from my house. So I went there, and at like

11 p.m. on either Friday or Saturday, there was literally three people in the bar. So I literally, I had a Diet Coke, and I left. But those are the bars of the parties going on. You just got to turn that motherfucker loose. You sit there, you have a couple. Those are the nights where

had the best time going, maybe having three quarters of a gram in my pocket, going into a bar like that, you order a beer, they ask you for $250, you're like $250? Yep. Oh, fuck. What do you will? Let me go that shit. Seven beers later, I know.

Yeah, you know what any person coming out. I know how old the bar is. That lives in the name. You got to come, oh, my God, those are the spot. Yeah. They got Sinatra on the jukebox. The bartenders got cheese and crackers in the back. That's a shuffleboard.

They got, yeah, this, and you know what, this, I know there's bars like that across the country. Like I said, you know what? My extent in the ball, like, you know what I miss having a good lunch at a bar? Like just a bar, that's dirty, that you know there's rats in there, but the lunch is sensational. Yeah. And they have the TV on, they have a sports center on, you catch up for an hour. They have a 12 o'clock serving. Fries and a BLT kind of thing.

Something like that, but a little more healthy, like nothing fry, like maybe a salad or, or like a nice meal. Mm-hmm. You know, a salad with vinegar oil, maybe like a, who the fuck knows? Who the fuck? No, my fucking Bobby Flay. I don't fucking know what the fuck.

You described an incredible meat, like everything you're going to eat to him in Austin. Oh, yeah, that's going to be awesome. Please, Lee's got his own menu. He's got his whole fucking name. Let me give some shoutouts. Sure, buddy.

We got my man, Big Billy 91, my parish Mickey, Joey Zaza tweets Roy Loco Nuka Danielito Trevisio Randy Perez

Crystal Johnson thank you for going for Black Sabbath and giving me the review and Morgan MMA there you go you got any fucking tour dates When does this go up

I mean I know it's live on YouTube right now Okay so this weekend Friday I'm at the Ice House Sunday I'm at the Melrose improv and end of September I am in La Jolla at the comedy store down in San Diego with Theo Vaughan all weekend and then November 4th I'm at the Tiger Room in Fort Wayne, Indiana recording my new album, Return to the Red State and that's two taping. So if you want to go to that, hit me up and otherwise look for that probably the first week of Christmas. And as always

Punchunk, Punch Drunk Sports.com. You can listen to me on Sam Fight every Tuesday from noon to two. You're really putting it together to pieces in your life, man. Try it, brother. Dude, every little day that you don't fucking go backwards, you at least are going forwards. But the most astonishing thing of what the situation happened is that I was notified by three or four people on Twitter to check on you.

That you were saying some things or you were saying some things. And I remember calling you and you called me back and then you said what had happened. And I'll never forget that that I found out from people who really cared about you on Twitter that know I care about you. And I was like, till this day, I always apologize to Twitter for the shit

I sent five years ago on the Joe Rogan podcast. Who the fuck? What kind of people you want to be friends with on Twitter? We have a great fucking community. It's amazing, man. And now they got Brody on watch. Those motherfuckers on Twitter got Brody on Speedwatch, Jack. Dude, you know what was cool about that?

The exact same thing. All these Twitter fans are also great. Like Mickey Gall, who just fought CM Punk, been a fan of Punch Trunk, been listening? starts calling in, gets a UFC contract. Now, he calls pretty regularly. But all of our fans on our show have got to know this guy and then see him get his

first. You know, this guy's dream coming. He's a 24-year-old guy, fighter. He see his dream. The Twitter, like every fan of Punch Nunk, went to some bar or ordered the fights. Not because they wanted to see Miosic in the En, Overeem, heavyweight. They're like, I got to see fucking Mickey Gall.

You know, because they've been listening to him. Dude, the support he got just from our fans on our show was, it was moving to me. You know, them have in my back, you know, when I'm like fucking, you know, it's a, it's all very connected. We're all very connected. I do a periscope. And I always say, man, we're a family. Where else can family sit down for 10 minutes and smoke dope with your fucking uncle Joey? Listen to a side of an album.

Yeah, this couldn't happen. This couldn't fucking happen. So I love it. And I love what's going on with you. I think about how lucky I am. I swear to God, teams, every day that I got that curse off my back. Me too. I have to.

And it all started with Martin the Fag. I've always thought about that. Martin Fag put a curse on me for stealing his Coke. He went to the Cuban gods and he says, he wants to snort Coke. Let him snort Coke. Let's get them all the Coke he can. And that's what happened.

They threw a fucking voodoo curse on me. I don't know how it got cleansed off me, but who gives a fuck. You're here now, man. Jesus Christ, I think about it. just how lucky but the love of Christ yeah and it's like you know

there's also a huge part of me that's like I've been there done that like what more can I do Playboy Manchin a bunch of times I mean there's nothing you can what party am I going to go to where I'm like oh this now it's worth it I did it all I really had a 20 year run

where I did some amazing incredible damage some of it was fun some of it was quite fun but it's like you know I'm trying to come up. You know what I mean? I'm trying to live up to my potential. I'm trying to be the kind of dude that helps other people who need to get out of the fucking shit that I was in. You know, and from there it's whatever. From there, it's whatever. But being that dude that's stuck in that fucking hole that can't help himself isn't going to cut it anymore for the second half of my life.

First half, yeah, that's what happened for the most part. Second half, not so much, you know. And to be able to have that wherewithal to be like, you know, if anybody's struggling to hit me up, you know. So many people from the last time I was on your show I've talked to on Facebook, Twitter, you know, back and forth of like, hey man, you know, what, what did you do? You know, I'm just as fuck. I sound like I'm just as fucked as you were, you know. A lot of these people are still sober. A lot of them are at least cognizant of the fact that this is the same time to fuck with, man. I've lost a lot of friends to drugs and alcohol related, you know, overdosing, suicide, car accident,

hit by drunk driver, drunk driver themselves, you know. I've tried to talk to Lee about this for the last couple weeks, and I did something that I never fucking do, man, I finally cut somebody off and told me,

I was once told by a dear friend of mine. It was another way telling me to go, fuck myself. He looked me straight in the face, and he goes, the next time I see, you better be pulling up in front of my house with a white cataract. don't call until that

and it killed me for a few minutes but then I thought what he was saying to me and he made a lot of sense and I finally had to say that to somebody and it felt great like don't call me until you're gonna like fucking you drive it with a white cat line because it just got too much

this is not gonna end good you and I we see the fucking and I've been her friend for you know 15 20 years and what kills me was she had it the people 99% of the time they do.

They actually had it. Like if you can just get out of your own way. She was doing comedy. She was hanging out, drinking sodas, no drama. Because you could tell when she's drinking. She doesn't have to tell you, you don't have to smell it. The behavior. The behavior changes.

And the funny thing is you think you can lie. Oh. You see a sweaty Joey Diaz come up with the jaw going and the fucking acox. You talked at a different level. But I would never do a line and go on stage. The problem with me. was that I was telling somebody that I would do so much the night before like I was sweating all the fucking time Lee you're sweating out yesterday what I mean oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I see

no you were gonna tell me this way yesterday I don't know I wasn't no I'm saying that's when people would see you think you were jacked up no you were sweating out yesterday shit I'm not even gun I'm not even jacked up for like another couple hours Lee when I was 370 and I would go on stage right wouldn't have material I I thought I was cuter than everybody else. You know, Rogan was feeding me, like, just go up there and say this. You'll fucking knock him dead. Yeah.

And I would go up there like a wild man, and I would start bombing at the six-minute point, and I would have a 20-minute set. Lee, I could tell you as a man, it would pour out of me. And he's my witness. Even in the original room, I would run. If I were to pour this on my face, how would just run off my chain? The cocaine had my body that whacked. I couldn't walk from here to the car.

If I stayed out in the heat a little bit and I started sweating leave, I'd lose a fucking gallon of water at no time. Fuck. There's different times in the comedy community that we, I'm going to say grew up because we grew up in different areas of the country, but at the comedy store in the Hollywood scene, that times it's somebody's turned in the barrel, they say. You know what I mean?

It's like, you know, there was times where everybody was so worried about you. Everyone's like, man, I don't know, man, Joey. He's looking big. He's always on a lot of coke, man. I don't know if his heart can take that kind of lifestyle. Then do you remember when Ari had his run when he was going through depression? Ari is very depressed all the time and talking about suicide a little too much, too seriously. You know, that was his kind of turn in the barrel.

It's like when you go through it, it's like, you know, like you were saying with your friend, you're like, you know, she had it. But then you just go right, you know, you get right back in the barrel. And eventually everyone's got to be like, all right, we're all going to do what we can and try to help this person. but eventually you got to meet halfway. I got to meet you halfway. Every fucking person can't tell me, hey, you got to quit doing this.

Hey, Joe, you got to start taking care of yourself. Hey, you got to take it. But I got no, motherfucker. You think I don't know that? You know, you have to be willing to go like, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. I'm sick of this shit. You know?

I can't believe how much of a mess I really was. Yeah. And every day that I look back, I see how much of a mess. I mean, not socially and physically, just emotionally. I was going through something. And looking back, it was the whole thing that went on in bold, how angry I was. There was screwing me over.

It was affecting me. At night, I'd go home and I couldn't deal with it. At night, I didn't want to be me. I can really relate to that 100%. At night, you don't want to be you. Just the last thing you want to do was go home. In those days, leave, you and my friend, you were out to 5 every night. Paul is waiting for me.

Let the wait. We're hanging out. Let's talk about the podcast. We have. We already talked about this eight times. I don't want to play fucking Spanish music. I don't want to play Spanish music. No, it's amazing.

I'd have him out, wasting his fucking time every night. So, Tebow, like, did you have anyone, Joey called you? Do you have any urge to lie to him with it? No, I didn't drink. Sure. Yeah. I think you always will.

I think you always will. But, I mean, you know. know, you know, there'd be people who, you know, you might just for the sake of an argument or it's not their business or whatever, but it's like, you know, I knew why he was calling and it's like I'm not going to, if I'm not taking advantage of having those kind of relationships in my life, like to be fortunate enough to have somebody like Joe it, it's like, hey, listen, I heard not doing so good. Give me a call. I want to talk to you. I lose what the universe gave me that connection for if I don't take advantage of it and be honest. You know what I'm,

If I'm calling back and be like, hey, man, here's what's up. Thanks for calling. Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know. Right, yeah. Because, like, I can see where you're, like, my first reaction would be to lie. Oh, of course. Especially with something like your shit, like, if I'm ashamed about it, yeah.

Yeah, shame is a big motherfucker for that. You know, like, shame, shame will keep you out. Anger will keep you out. Resentments will keep me out. Any little fucking angle. You know, it's always looking for something. Excuse me. My God, those stars got me deep and shit, and they take me in and out.

Don't you got to take two more stars, Lee? No, I know. They take me in and out. Like, they'd like that. Like for three minutes out of me. How many milligrams is one star? 200. So if you have, so the more you just keep eating those, the more fucked you are.

I've had 4,200? After a point is to law diminishing returns, I thought about it. Of course. Lee and I have discussed. You're throwing good pot at bad pot. We got to eat. We can eat three more. And the three more.

we'd be fucking God. Do you guys really have a red eye tonight? Yeah. Red of tonight? Yeah. What time do you, how many did you eat last night? Four.

Five. There were a couple purples on a few reds. I'm with, let's estimate. Maybe six to seven hundred. Okay. We were pretty fucking high for about an hour and a half. Yeah.

Like, we got high for an hour and a half. That would kill a meal. Are you going to eat a bunch before the flight? Oh, we're eating already. It's all over. No, I mean, I mean, on your way there. Yeah.

Fuck, yeah. We always eat something. Because this guy, they're going to be like, oh, sir, you don't look Chinese in your ID here. He's going to be fucked up Lee and shit. And never ends. We're going to keep him on the Kalinos with time of it. Lee knows this is his magical mystery dog. There really is.

Lee really doesn't understand us that this is it. You know, I mean, I don't do drugs. I don't drink. It's not like there's going to be women involved. But you know what, man, people in Texas are fucking crazy. You know what? They make edible. too and they're fucking rednecks they throw everything in there peanuts right fucking tofu

they don't give man more lizard meat barbecue sauce you know and next thing you know you're eating a cookie with 280 milligrams you eat four of them because they're fucking delicious they put custom in there and corn milk and you know those are the ones that are always the most when you can't even taste it where you're just like oh that can't be that that can't be that strong because I can't taste it so then you have a fucking other one and then it's like a fucking boom When you smoke, you smoke a joint, you smoke a fucking couple of barring rips, whatever. You know pretty much like how much you hit it, you know, like, oh, okay, whatever. Some of these edibles are real fucking you pick them.

It's a mystery of how hard that's going to hit you. That's the beauty. Yeah. That's the fucking, listen, when you eat a volume, you expect something. When you do a heroin, you expect something. You do fucking T-8C. You really don't know what to. And that was my first allure.

as a kid to drugs. At first, after my mother died, the addiction became the cocaine for the pain. But in the beginning, I was into doing, like, hits of acid, and I would make myself and my friends go into New York City an adventure. Yeah. And they would look at me and go, dog, I can't handle that.

Yes, you were the same way I do to leave. Right. Let's go. I got you back. Let's go. And just do acid and walk around the city. Stop. Go over there.

kids being 15 and a half, 16, because my mom was still alive, go over there. Once you get over there, you can get a bottle of vodka anywhere. In those days, in 80, 79, 78, somebody was in front of a liquor store. Yo, mister, can you go in there and get me a bottle of vodka? Give me a dollar 50 and give me $1.50 extra for myself. If you were walking into a liquor store right now and there was some 15-year-olds outside and asked you to do that, would you buy it for him? Not anymore.

Yeah. I'll throw you in jail for 20 years. Sure. It's not worth it. You know, I mean, if I knew them, I knew the parents, and there was a, I'm a type of guy that there's a little bend in my game. If it's a necessary reason and you present it to me in a gentlemanly fashion. Okay. You know, it's, when I called you and you called me back, I really respected you more than I ever respected you.

Because one of the things I hate the most, Tebow, I heard you bombed in Columbus. No, I didn't. I did great. you call me and goes he did great you know i don't know what the fuck you're doing columbus sir i'm not that type of comic sure if somebody asked me a question about tbo's youth or whatever i can't answer but one thing that bothers me is one one junkie lies to another because you know if i walked in here right now and i had done a bump in four in the afternoon you wouldn't accuse me but a guy like you would go he's not acting like him he's been like him weird he was

He was eventually. Yep. You follow me. He'll take that home with him. Because it's like you, you can fool the normal people. Yes. You can fool. I could fool my sister.

You can fool different people, normal people. It's crazily. But when you know it and you see it and you're like, you know, why are you wearing sunglasses at night, you know, why are you, you know what I mean? Your eyes are jet black and you can't fucking sit still. It's like, come on, man. You know, don't. Yeah.

It's crazily. And then you'll see. that and then nothing will happen it sits in your mind and then one day you're bump into red band oh you hear about Joe Diaz what dog the other night he didn't come out for

three days his wife called me the baby he's been in fucking somebody's house doing blow again oh no and you go you know what it makes sense now that day I saw him like a podcast too that's it he was acting all fucking fidgety and shit yeah that's it

you know you'll see shit like you know you're like, of course. Or you can just look back with a lot of people like that too and go like, oh yeah, now it all makes sense because he didn't show up for this and then he blew that gig off and then he fucking, you know, wasn't showing up. But now it all makes sense. Because a lot of times, like, that's a thing. If my, if I'm, if, if, it's almost like how you were saying about betting earlier.

If this guy says he won 50 grand, he won 75 grand. It's like that kind of thing. If, if my drinking is enough that I'm, you're seeing me in public drunk. I didn't just start drinking today. Yeah. You know what I mean? I got too much to risk to be showing around. So I'm going to have a couple sneaky fucking,

oh, let me just get a six-pack watch a Monday night football game, drink it by myself. No one will fucking know that shit. No one will fucking know. You know, it's a month later before I got the balls to start showing up hammered at places. I respect you a lot. I respect what you're doing. I love you very much, sir.

You're a very positive influence in my life. You're fucking growing. you know what I was in a dark place a lot of people helped me man and a lot of people help me by not saying something sure you follow them absolutely a lot of times a lot of people help you by not saying something it's their body language and the things they do say

that you put two and two together so so I would be someone who would be like I would be really like upset like you're out upset with myself to know whether to say something or not to say something how do you know whether to say something I mean, I think every instance is different with different people. I had the weirdest people say things to me.

I would say that that's true for me, too. I had people outside that I thought would say something to me, say things to me. One of them was at the end was Rogan, but I had Claude Stewart. Claude Stewart. Once checked. Dude, I've known him for a long. That's crazy. What did Claude Stewart say?

Just pull me aside and said, you don't look at it. And I've been where you are. You just had a kid? Well, his wife did. And he goes, I could get you into a rehab and San Diego a one call. He'll take care of this for you. And I remember like a week later, I had like a bad Coke binge. And I actually called him and said, get the car ready.

Yeah. But I stayed in office for a day. I got a check from residual. And I went and got another gram and blew him all. Sure, totally. And he was offering to pay for that at the time. Wow. I'm looking left the rock.

I just want you to get a hop. You don't look in too good. Amen. I'm very fucking fortunate. Good people around me. They made me believe. And somehow I got out of that fucking mess, man. I mean, look at you now, man.

It was fucking scary for a whole life. Jesus Christ. If I would have told you 10 years ago, here's your life. No. You would have been like, get the fuck out of here, Momo. Get out of here, Mom. Baby. I'm going to be doing blow in a hotel room in Houston, Texas.

after I just, that's what I... If I had told you 10 years ago, here's your life, you wouldn't believe it. And then 10 years ago, if I were told you, on this date, you're dead, and you died of an overdose. You've been like, that's right, Cox, I got guns blazing. That's how about going down.

I thought I would die from an overdose. I absolutely. I was prepared. Were you okay? So you were okay with it? You made peace with it? At that time, I just, I know the deal. The more spaghetti you go to throw against the wall,

the more it's going to stick. And you don't know when the Lord's calling to call. And it always happens in a weird place. You end up going to some town, you know. You're married at home with a wife. You go to a town. You pick up some fucking chick up the comedy club. She's doing blow.

You go back to the room. You get a fucking heart attack. You got to explain to the people. That's how that goes down. That's how it always goes down. The clinker for me, the truth, the one that opened my eyes was in 99. A comic hung himself at one of the clubs. And I knew him not well.

He worked the broker. And that Wednesday, he picked up a gig in Fort Collins, so he goes, do you want to drive? And that was the first time I had ever seen a mirror. Like, on the way up there, all he talked about was gambling and drugs. But here's the beauty of it. This guy was, I was, whatever, it was 94 when I met him. I was 31 years old, 95 when I met him, and he killed himself.

99, maybe four years later, so whatever, I was 32. And I remember he hung himself on New Year's Eve in a hotel room in Houston off the balcony or something like that. But the shame about this guy was that he was out here for like three years, and he was down. it to be heavy duty. They were like, this is the dude. But his little problem got discovered. He went on one of those road trips and just stayed in Oklahoma for a month. And that was the end of that.

Nobody wanted to see him again. So for the last 10 years, he had just been a road dog. Yeah. But he was still, like, people would look at you look at him on stage and go, damn, hopefully someday. And now he had taken his clean comedy routine TV act and tailing it to a fucking bull. bars in the Midwest, you couldn't follow him. Nobody could follow. Nobody.

Right. He was killing it, you know. The day I had him that day of Fort Collins, he had a run to the phone eight times to gamble. He asked me to get him in April, and then before the night was over, he called me back, and he goes, get me another one. Did you do it already? No, not, but I just want to be prepared. Oh, that was nothing worse.

When they want to be prepared, yeah, when they want to be prepared, I know the deal, because I used to want to be prepared. Yeah. That's when you're in the fucking heart of it. Lee Syatt, we're very fortunate this week. The church of what's happened now is going to introduce a new product that's sponsoring us. I love this fucking idea. You know, I don't know if you guys know anything about me or whatever.

When I was doing that Coke and shit, I became a nomad. And I would, to come down from Coke, I would go in the shower in a hotel or in my apartment. and I would just lay in the fucking tub and I would put the hot shower on and I would whack off to come down off the Coke like two or three times and then after a while you gotta take a pee. Do you think I'd actually get up and go to the tub?

Fuck, no, I'd just pee on my legs like a chicken. And then after another hour, the cocaine would start to wear into my system and guess what would have to happen? I got to take a little poop. So I would actually get up in the shower and poop and I would turn around and bend over like a fucking porno star

with the muffler out and as the poop was coming out and have the water hitting it because that's the type of savage I am. And then you would just shit in the shower. And I'd shit in the shower and then I'd turn around with my hand and I pick up the lid to the toilet

and I flick it in like Michael Jordan like an under hoop and I'd wash my hands in the shower. What percentage did not make it in the... A hundred percent. But once my wife caught me, it was over. She threatened to throw me the fuck out of the house. You can't throw shit from room to room.

No kidding. Let me tell you why I did that. Let me tell you why I did that because I grew up with a bidet. Really? In your house in your room. In New Jersey. And I remember moving it in the first day and running into my mother's room and looking around the room and here's this toilet. And here's this shower with a tub.

And here's this beautiful sink. But wait a second. In between the toilet and the sink, there's another toilet. I'm like, what the hell is this? And it looked like a toilet. But it didn't have a hole. It had a thing in the middle. So what did I do?

I stuck my head over the thing. And I'm like, hmm, that's where water comes out. So all of a sudden, I turned the water on like this very gently. And all of a sudden I turned the hot water on very gently, but the hot water slips and the water shoots at you. And it's all over your face and all over the fucking ceiling. And I'm like, Grandma, what the fuck is this? And she told me it's a Badaepa La Jolla della Chucha.

So I never knew what the hell she was talking about. I always thought it was used. It was a woman product. Sure. I saw my stepdad sitting in it on Neda. I'm like, whoa, shit, when they leave, I'm like, oh, and my mom would be, don't go in the room when I'd leave.

As soon as they go in the room, I'd be holding a little poop in there, and I'd poop, and I'd sit in that thing like a doctor at the age of eight and nine. I'd just be fucking sitting there letting my muffler get washed with a hot water. I wash my muffler in that hot water. Like, I would take regular poops in my bathroom,

but that one good poop other day, I would always jump in there because I wanted the muffler to be clean, and I'd have the right for, of hot and cold water. In those days, you just took a bar of soap and you put the indentation where your fingers went, so you never touched the other side.

And after it cleaned all the peanuts out and the fecal matter, I would put the fucking bar of soap in there like Nani Mali. And I let that hot water kill everything, the germs and everything. And that was the end of that. But when my mother died, that all ended. So for 30 years, I lived with a savage, like a savage. Who the fuck has a bad day?

Who's got that type of class? That's James Bond type of shit. But all of a sudden, a buddy of mine said to me, listen, man, take a look at this fucking thing. This is tremendous. And I love the name. Hellotushy.com slash church, okay? Let me tell you people something that aren't aware of it. You're sitting there confused.

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And then I'm excited because ever since you get a girlfriend, you go through like eight times the toilet paper. Well, guess what? That's what? That's true. They sent you one. Fuck yeah. You got one coming to shit, Jack. Yeah.

And what you're going to do is you're going to take Paula home. You're going to connect that. And while she's got her muffler watch. You can only come up, a little monkey. And guess what? She's moving before and after. And guess what? Guess what happens after you do that?

While she's getting the hot order in her muffler, you lick her monkey, what do you think happens? Stars. She's moving in the next day. She's going to go home and stab her mother in the neck and just move it. That's how good that is. You're going to take her around the world excursion. You understand me? That's why I like this product.

It's a tremendous little present for the holidays. For holiday, whatever, I'm telling you. Everybody's 69s and you smell something. If you smell something, that person needs hello, Tushy doctor. I'm excited to get it because it looks easy to install and I'm a dunce putting stuff together like I can't do anything so if I can do it literally anybody could do it so I'll report in my brother I'm happy where you're at in your life thank you know you always got my help if you need some way got this same goes to

you brother I'm happy where you're at I'm happy enough fucking in the realm of beyond the realm of debt you look good you look healthy thanks man you got family close to you And Ari's back, hopefully soon. Lisa, Yatt. Yes, sir. Get this podcast up. We're going to Austin, Texas. Cocksucking about two hours.

Let's do it. Let's do it. We've got a private jet coming to pick us up. We're going to Tito Barrow. We're going to Miami to pick up the sound machine. We're going to stop in Houston and pick up fucking El Chapo. And then we're going straight to fucking Austin, Texas. Chopos coming?

Chappos coming. Nice. That's how we fucking roll. And listen, I'll be in Austin, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. there's a few tickets left, Capitol City. And don't forget next weekend, I'm an NYC Friday, Saturday, two shows Friday, two Saturday,

Gotham Comedy Club. Again, a few tickets left. Stay black. We'll be back next Monday night. Ripping this motherfucker. One more time for my brother, Jason Tebow. One more time for my little brother, Mr. Lee Syatt, this bad motherfucker who I love. Where's the fucking New Chucks? Get the bris get ready, Austin.

That's right, motherfuckers. You come in and eat. I'll see you, motherfucker. fuck us for lunch tomorrow. Stay black. Suck it. Uncle Joey, Jason Tebow, my main man, Lysayette. The days are back. The church of what's happening now

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