The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #416 - George Perez

Episode Date: September 27, 2016

George Perez, comedian seen on Roast Battle and Showtime, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 09/27/2016.
    

This show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like AlfaBrain, Newmood, Shroom Tech Immune, and Shroom Tech Sport. Onit.com, code word church. Oh shit. September 26th, Monday. The church of what's happening now. This is what the fuck I'm talking about. A train running up your fucking spine cubs up.

You know how many times I was listening to the song in the dark You know how many times I was to the song in the dark crying I was scared the fuck out of me But it made me a fucking madman and shit Chichoo-choo Fucking tremendous, Cocksuckers Are you kidding me or what? Coming out to jump tonight, Cox-Shy.

Suckers, the church, what's happened now? My little brother Lee Syatt. Hello. My main man, George Perez, doing the podcast fucking Sturkin lately. Hell yeah, what's up, doggie dog? People say nothing, dog. These motherfuckers show up lately, you know what I'm saying? These motherfuckers don't know.

We've been running since fucking Paiasso Slam. Yeah. A mug fucking Montoya to make sure you get cash and check with you now. Yeah, I tell people, go, man, I'm so blessed. I met you like nine months in the game and you just grabbed me. You're like, come here, dog. Let's do this shit. Yeah.

You had a heart. In the beginning, these guys show up, you know, with a suitcase. You showed up with the truck, the piano, and you said, fuck it, and I'm all in. Yeah, you wanted weed. You got some weed out of it. Fuck, you always. You got to show up with something. Nothing is free.

You know what I'm saying? Straight up. Weed, what was that thing from the 70s? Grass ass or gas? Nobody rides for free. Remember the people he just put on their bumper stickers? That was a bumper sticker. Really?

I never saw it. No, you were fucking an itching your daddy's pants and that bumper sticker was popular. Today I went to the doctor and he had to the doctor and he had to dockin' a smiley face that's from the fucking 70s a smiley face that a little fucking thing yeah like don't worry be happy yeah that thing started like 74 73 some guy was in his fucking office duddly when you doodle what do you mean doodle when you're sitting here on a pen i'm talking oh i got you writing fucking little ants and fucking bugs with hairs and shit on them you ever see that shit when you finish a conversation look at the pad in front of it you got

numbers on there like you're gonna remember any of this shit you're taking numbers and addresses then you rip that fucking thing up you throw it away there goes the fucking party you don't want to call him back I just have weird shapes I felt like a crazy person that someone ever went through my mail yeah that's it you just fucking you're talking to your mom and you just fucking scribbling the thing you know maybe he says

something I'm weird like I do like old graffiti that I used to write so like I do like I try to do my name like in the old gangster style a lot and I don't know it's weird I always do like Perez Perez proud of it you know I imagine got Perez on your back I got Perez on

my stomach i got it on my arm four times for all my kids fuck it perez perez perez if tony tony tony did it you could do it too you're saying fuck these motherfucking good to see you know yeah it feels good still making it a fucking happen trying you know i tell people that the experience that you have here sometimes you sit back some nights and you see people who disappeared they just disappear you know the idea i was in jiu jit-too and i turned around i go you know what that's a complete different fundamental class. I don't even know these people.

Like, turnover is big. But it's even bigger when you come here and you start out with guys for three or four months. And then when they, oh, they got a day job. Why? Why did you get a day job?

You were doing great. They didn't have the heart in the hustle. I don't know. No. It's like, listen, everybody has the heart. The get on stage the first three times is the hardest thing you'll ever fucking

do in your life. That's the hardest thing you're going to do in your life. Once you do the first three times, you're in. You might not be fucking kicking ass or you might not be Johnny Carson but you're in. But it's like anything else

when you bartend the first two shifts you're fucking putting club soda and the fucking rockets and orange juices and anything else and then you develop the fucking things then you develop the speed, the technique and next thing you know you're working at a discotheck

making a thousand dollars a night whatever the fuck they call them the club. Yeah, it's true. It's like anything else. So you stick it out you fucking eat shit for a while And they, you know what, when I was young, I was guilty, that shit, too. I did it a thousand times.

But when I bit my teeth into something like comedy, I stuck with it. Like, I was just waiting to find a good thing. I liked. I was waiting for something to be better than drug dealing. How many jobs did you have? I can go on too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Painter.

Yeah, what about at 18? And where were you at 18? At 18, what was I doing? At 18, I quit high school. going into my senior year and I got a job loading trucks from Mazbach Century Hardware right before senior year

I quit like a fucking jerk off then I tried to go back but it didn't work out for me but that was my end but I remember the, see when I went home the other day I thought of all the shit jobs I had and there was a guy there was a couple guys I used to go to and go

dog I need a job and need a job with torment them they couldn't get out of the car without me going dog what happened to that job until they get me a job and then I go oh shit

They got me a job. I remember one year I got a job from Carmine Balzano. He goes, they want to hire the Carlo construction. The job was walking on a 2x12 with a wheelbarrow full of cement for 10 hours a day. I would just count the days to the paycheck. Like I would just work enough to cover my nut for that weekend and a couple days after that. Like, what do I need any 400? Once I made 400, I just quit.

Like, this ain't for me no more. What happened? I fucking quit. Then my buddy got me a job. putting shirts in a box and sending orders, shipping. Okay. I walked in there at 8, and by 8.30. I said, let me go outside.

I got to breathe. Ping. Yeah. Another time, my friend got me a job at a paint store on Bergen-Line Avenue on a Monday morning. I went in there. They had me carrying paint for the first three hours, eight bucks in hell. I was like, you fucking credit me. And right down the corner, there was a coat dealer who would front me.

I had a gold watch that was fake. I said, fuck it. By 1130, I put the whole deal together in my head. I'd go down there, Tom. I'd be back in two hours with the fucking money, give me a half ounce of Coke, and I bring the watch to him. That was the end of that job.

That was no more. My friend called me, what happened, dog? They said, you just left, dog. I don't want to be breeding those fumes. You know what I'm saying? I got some cocaine to snort. You want me down there breeding fucking fumes.

Then I got another job that summer, like 10 blocks down at a hardware store. And that lasted until I figured out how to rob the register. Once they gave me a fucking angle to the register, you couldn't trust me around a register. in those days at all yeah when I was young I don't know sticky fingers like a motherfucker you would steal from the register oh like it was my own yeah that's all Pete Bousan or Gotham he came and we were talking about one time he got me a job at

rendel lumber and he goes I got a job for you it's five bucks an hour it's a great job but do me a favor you got to steal because if you don't steal they're gonna know I was steal oh yeah you got to keep the same record and I had to keep the same record so every sheet applied would was 80 bucks I was selling for 25 30 yeah it's black market people come in and go let me get 10 sheets of playing well there's not going to call you 800 what if you gave me three papers and they go load it up bitch straight and then I figured and they had the old school register so you buy a drill for 249 dollars I'm ringing up 49 yeah it doesn't say drill like the no it was the old

school red this way before paperwork and all that shit fucked it up for people to steal because All technology was, all technology is, it's fucking up for people like me when I was young. Like today's world, I wouldn't survive because you can't take a fucking dime. No way. Not a dime. We got cameras, on top of cameras, inside of cameras. There's nothing you could do. I worked in a movie theater that fired someone for stealing one bag of M&M.

Yeah. No, no, no. In corporate world now, let's pretend me and you and George take a bag of peanut, Eminem peanuts, and we take a break. Somebody's getting fired tomorrow. All right of you would be. Somebody's getting fired tomorrow. It's fucking crazy. I would never survive a minute, a minute in today's corporate structure, a minute.

I did what I did at the right fucking time in my life. And without knowing, I had no idea it was going to become like this. Right. You got a job now, you've got to sign 80 documents. They do a background check right away. They fucking, it's a nightmare. But something did happen to me at the day, dog. What was the last time somebody rocked your world, George?

I rocked my world. Like a friend of yours that just, this kid's always rocked my world whenever I go home. He's always like just done something. I was telling Lee. Lee is here because he reminds me of this kid, Loobbs I grew up with. And when I got, and Loves is a fiend. He's got no teeth left. Damn.

But the fact is, he put himself through MIT, dog, as an engineer. The dude's a bad motherfucker. He just never came out of the 80s. He just never, you know, I was stuck in that shit, too, for a long time. You know, once you get off the powder, you're really off it. So every time I call him, he always comes to the hotel first

and brings me Big Ziti. His mother made a soda, silverware, a flour, the chocolate cake, or whatever his mother made. It's always, so it's a, bro, all I do is my plane lands.

All I have to do is call and go I'm ready for you. And then we bring it, we eat it, we take a ride, we smoke a number, we reminisce, and an hour later he goes home

and I won't see him again until I fucking leave. Oh, wow. That's all I need for him. This time I call him no show. Oh. Thursday. No answer, no show.

Right away, I think he went over to the feds. Right away, you know, my disgusting mind. And I said, you know what? Maybe we've been friends for too long. Maybe it's time to move on. Yeah. Friday, he calls me up. Dog, what are you doing?

You want me to pick him? I got a show a fucking 7 o'clock. I got to leave for the city. He goes, all right, I'll call you tomorrow morning first thing. I get back from the fucking show last, you know, when you get back from two shows, dog. You're buying for sound. You're thinking about everything you said.

There's usually that show on TV about the prisoners. You watch that shit until we hours, and you're like, that's bullshit. You know, whatever. And even in prison today, I would fail. It's too corporate. Kites and fucking no cigarettes. Yeah. It's too corporate.

I would fail in prison today. It's too much fucking paperwork. Too much paperwork to fucking survive. So anyway, Saturday morning I wake up, dog. I ate like eight fucking stars. I ate like 1,600 milligrams. I slept like a baby. I hadn't slept in two nights, three nights.

First night I had to get up at four in the middle of the night like a burglar. The second night I had to get up at Opie and Anthony. So at five, remember, at eight in the morning, I'm getting on the radio. It's really five in the morning. Yeah, because the time change. I got up at like three in the morning that day. And then Friday, I couldn't sleep. I got up at seven like fucking I was going to war.

What the fuck am I going? I got nowhere to go. Oh, I'm an audition. That's why. I had to bring the city. So I knew Friday night I was gonna go down like this is all New York It's all in New York It's all in New York

And Saturday morning I wake up and I got 19 missed calls But as I look at the phone it rings and it's loops And he goes, where are you doing I've been calling you since I'm gonna nine o'clock I go listen dog I'm just getting up I just need a cup of coffee Fuck that I'm around the corner Let's get keeping coffee no way he's in New York He's in Jersey I stayed in edge water he jumps in the fucking I jump in the shower I wash my little monkey

I come downstairs, half dead. There's coffee there from Starbucks. I ask the lady for a cup. I give it a three bucks. I donned it. I come out of my fucking comb. I had two joints in my wallet from the night before. And me and him went on a fucking joyride of debt.

Okay, first of all, there's traffic bumper-de-bumper. New York. Listen, New York, dog, traffic is brutal. How's the weather? Is it cool? The weather was just, listen, if you're going to go to New York any time of the year, it's April, May, or September. That's it.

Go in July, don't go in August, that humidity's a nightmare. June's a nightmare. February, you got to walk around with a body suit from the cold weather. Unless when you go, it's 10 below. When you hear, people call you, it's 74 degrees today. You know, yeah, I know. So just avoid the fucking thing because you never know what's going to win the skies in the fall back there. So he picks me up, bro, this traffic bumper to bumper.

George Perez, this motherfucker is doing 90. around people in the left lane. You know, you fake the left turn? Cutting people off. He's got a badge in the car. Oh, wow. He's old school. Old school.

Old school. Licensed. Just got it back. I don't worry about nothing. In fact, if they pull me over, I'll tell him I know answer. I went for answer. Because my friend is an assemblyman, a freeholder. Oh, wow.

And he runs North Bergen. So he goes, I just tell him. I did it like three times. People just let me go. So we're cutting people off, cutting people off. I got to get the Union City to go to jewelry store. I got to get to my, buy flowers from my mother's grave, because that was the most important.

Whenever I get back, I got to go right to the cemetery. But Thursday, I had to go to Opie and Anthony. When I got back, I called Bobby. He wasn't there. He couldn't drive me. So I got caught up. So Saturday, we're going down to the cemetery to get flowers. That's this Cuban place.

That's been there for like 20, 30 years. It's called Dos Amigos. All they do is Cuban steak sandwiches, Cuban milkshakes and Cuban solas. That's it. But the Cuban steak sandwich, bro, they get the French fries. They cook them,

And then they take them out of the deep fry and they throw them in with the steak. And they mix them with the steak and the onions. They grow seasoning on it. And the potatoes are soft. And they put it on that Cuban bread and they cut it in half and your world changes when you bite it. But the problem is every time you go down,

they get 15 tickets. You can't park. The line is huge. And fucking, you got a double park. Some people just go fuck it. I'll get 10 sandwiches and get the $60 ticket. It's worth the aggravation. That's the mentality.

That's how good the fucking sandwiches are. Like the Yankees get tickets all the time. The football players, they don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They double parked the ass of UVs going there. Let me get six to go and shit. 22 with cheese, ain't without cheese like a motherfucker. They got that Cuban soda.

They got sugar cane juice. That's why I brought up sugar cane juice. I didn't even touch it. What's Cuban soda? Mataba. Mataba? I eat on Belle iron beer. And then they have a Malta atwe.

That's my favorite. They got a couple malta's, but I'm an Atwe, dude. But Matelba is the shit. Now they have a diet matelba and a diet fucking I and B. You understand me? Fat fucks like me can't lose. And I don't think I've gotten more texts from you than I did this weekend. And every day, it was just the delicious, delicious food.

And they got like more and more delicious. And you just started laughing when I would call you because you knew how like, like I wanted to jump on the plane. Because I'm trying to, I'm trying to fucking take Lee. Lee eats fucking today. We passed by the skinny kitchen for six months. I like the skinny kitchen. And it's delicious. They have great buffalo burgers.

What the fuck? The other place gave him fucking Ajuna. He got lizard meat. He got his dad sick. I mean, it's just a night there. He eats a guy. Go dick. Yeah, he eats terrible food.

He just says terrible because he goes on Yelp and he believes a bunch of Gentiles. And never ate food in Illinois. Well, this is a great hot dog. Then you go there and it tastes like Dick. The bread is cold. I have bad luck, I guess. But it's just, and you were so happy at that sandwich place that you sent me the picture of the bill. Because it was $22, two Cuban steak sandwiches, a milkshake, and two fucking sodas.

Okay, $21. It sounds delicious, though. And the steak sandwich was like this, dog, with raw onions, cooked onions, and the French fries on top. Like these guys, fat cells, they just put McDonald fries on your fucking sandwich and gravy. That ain't no fucking, there's no creativity that those McDonald fries. The Cubans cut the potatoes. So they bend and they leave the fucking skin on it. We ain't got time to fuck with that shit.

You know what I'm fucking starting? And then they had like three different types of hot sauce. I put the Franks on that motherfucker with that diet I-M-B. I was good to go. But listen, we pull up in front of the place. There's no parking, but there's a handicap parking. Not only we just do 90 and we cut off half a jersey. He got, would have taken you and I a half hour?

What he did in seven minutes? No way. And he got me there. And all of a sudden he parks in the handicap and he whips out of handicapsed. He goes, this is why I pay $15 every two years. He popped that motherfucker in there. We both limped over into that fucking place. We ordered a sandwich.

We got back in the car. We made fucking another U-turn cut 19 people off, drove on a sidewalk. And next thing you know, we're on 48th Street making a left on the Burger Line fucking avenue. But traffic is bumper to bumper. We go fucking moms flowers are better. Again, cuts people off. Kennedy Boulevard, dirty, left turns, right turns, blinkers. I mean, it was fucking tremendous.

The whole time stuttering. Music is on, you know, telling me stories and shit. I'm howling. I'm hollering because nobody would believe this. Pops are left. A U-turned. We get flowers from my mother. Boom.

We go down the fucking hill. We shoot in. We go into the cemetery. There's people there with their families. Their grandkids are running around. Look at grandma. Dead grandma. He don't give a fuck.

He's because they have double parked, too. He's driving on the bodies and shit. He knocked over. He knocked over a tombstone. We cut half to the fucking thing. We get to my spot. I clean off my mother's grave. I say 10 prayers.

He's 10 feet from me. I rip up the fucking grass. I blay the flowers down. I smell reefer. I go, what do I smell reef? I turn around. It's him with a joint. He's like, hey, your mom smoked.

Did he stuttered too? He stutting. I looked at him for like two minutes, like this motherfucker. And I go, this is why I love this kid. I go, give me that fucking joint. I blew it on the fucking tombstone. I said, finish it. He gave me a little roach.

And I left it right there on the, tombstone till the next time I see you, mom. I'll fucking smoke it with y'all bring you some better shit. We got back in the fucking car, and then he did 90 on tunnel the avenue, cutting people off. And then in the meanwhile of this, he says to me, hey, I got something for you.

He goes under his seat and he gives me a baggie with like four pills in it. Oh, I go, what are these? He goes, you said your back was hurting. Take those. I go, what are there? He goes, I don't know. At least he's honest. At least he's honest. Then we took another ride. He ran in his house, and he brought down a pint of canoli flavor, the Italian ice.

He had been saving for me since Wednesday. What is it? Canoli flavor, Italian nights that he'd been saving for me since Wednesday. Oh, shit. I took the fucking cano. I looked at him. I took two spoons out of it, licked it, and gave it back. No, no, no, no.

It's for you. I go, I end up looking like you. You're fucking. Dog, I laughed the whole fucking two hours. He didn't shut the fuck up. Stuttering like it was 1982. smoking, throwing cigarettes out the window. I mean, everything he did was illegal, bro.

Nobody lives like that no more. Even for a minute there, he jolted me, but I go, you know what? Every night I sit in my fucking house, George Perez, going, what the fuck is my doing with my life? I sit here, I play with a three-and-a-half-year-old. I watch TV. I talk to my wife. She goes to bed. I sit here and watch narcos and salivate.

Because I miss hitting people in the head with sticks and smart and blow. telling people to suck my dick and call them marikaz and shit. How times changed. And all of a sudden I get in the car with this lunatic, and it's the fucking best 20 minutes I've had the last 10 years, bro. Fuck, yeah, man. It's old-school friends. People that are just divide.

And the car is worth $500. You hear the brakes screeching. He told me, I pay $500 for the three years ago. I only changed the off. You always said that if your mom was alive, you would have probably lived at home like lube? Yeah. Could you imagine if you and Lubbs were still together in Northburg and just still living

in your mom's houses? He's the first person I ever snorted coke with. Oh, shit. How old are you? 16. 15. 15. Damn.

He looked at me like a soldier. He was fucking laid down. Then we started snorting T.C. Crystal. That shit that makes you fucking see dead stars and stuff. It was a good trip. I see P. Timmy.

I saw Mike Bartulovich. I saw McMillow. I saw a bunch of fucking people. I hadn't seen Carlos. Thursday, I didn't work. I just went to Barone's bar. Is that in Jersey too? Yeah, real close to where I was staying.

A bunch of my friends came from the seventh grade, sixth grade dog, and we just sat there until 10 o'clock. We drank a beer. We hugged and we went home. That was it. I didn't want to fucking, I just wanted to see these people and tell them that, you know, when I was in prison, like I told them that night to tell you.

When I was in prison, I think about you people. I thought about you people. I was ashamed that I was. But when I was in the set of the longest yard, I also thought about you people and thought about how proud I was trying to make you by doing this. Straight up. Because I knew those people when I was straight, dog.

And the girl said to me, she goes, have you ever sent Lovito a check? Lovino was my sixth-rate teacher who had a wig. And on Fridays, you had two options, bro. You could go to CCD, religious instruction, or you could sit through the ecology club for two hours and learn how to throw papers and shit in the garbage.

I didn't want to do either. So I got thrown out of the CCDs. So I had to go back to Lovino, but the Lovito goes, you know what? A bunch of people don't want to fucking sit and learn. Talk about environment on Friday. There were about 20 of us, and he would go,

and go on you go to the front of the class and sing. And every Friday, we would have a talent show. And I would sing, my eyes adored you by Frankie Valley. And I would walk around with a brand new shirt on. I got his fucking Vinny Bananas and shit. And you did it for the whole year. year.

I said it for about eight months. Then I switched up to the Jackson Five. I would switch back to Frankie Valley. No, no. What I could sing, I would sing the Beatles, help. Oh, shit. Stupid shit. But it was him who got me.

I was, bro, when you're in the sixth grade, you're going up in front of a bunch of animals. Fuck. The comedy story is shit 20 years later than me. You know what I'm saying? Those people were animals in the sixth grade. They would throw a desk at you, those motherfuckusiness. Oh, shit.

What's going on with you, George Perez? I know you always got. shit cracking man uh just uh i got the you know i just finished writing a little short film that i finally getting together like it's cool we'll see where that takes me uh i did that i did the jo rogan podcast man and like it's weird like i've never ever had that many email alerts and like i'm just cool right now man a lot of good stuff's going on chilling i oh i saw a red band putting you on those Wednesday shows. Yeah, the secret shows.

And I would see that Joe was on the shows. And I wanted to know how long it would take you and Joe to finally connect in a certain way, you know. Joe and Ari are the type of people that they don't care about your past. There's people that tell you they don't care about your past, but they really do. They use it against you dumb situations. I know exactly what you mean. Ari has been one guy that's always been a supporter of my past, and he's always

regardless of what's happened, you know. Joe will take a while. He's a little bit more keen and careful, and he'll look at you from a different perspective, and then eventually he'll see you for what you are, and then you're in. He'll see the situation that you're in and what you're doing to make it better.

You know, it's not to, we're judgmental, but you know how comedy is, bro. It's the way it is, exactly. Comedy is that these people come up to you and listen, I want to do this and this and this and this, and you try to do something, they blow up a spot, and now you look like you're,

have a guy on your fucking face guess what I did it to Joe too I did it to Joe so Joe just understands me he knows you're fucking nuts I get it you know you nuts I get it where no nobody else understands that one day we were talking Joe was like you'd be on my TV show if I had it just off the cuff in the back of the comedy story goes that's what I would do I would shoot you first and get you to fuck out of it before anybody even noticed I went home like oh what a brilliant fucking idea that's how you get people and the troublesome and shit off your set.

Why would you have me there until 7 if you know I'm going to break your balls? Just get me the fuck out of it. You know, it's like Tracy Morgan. You think Tracy Morgan, they shot Tracy Morgan and got him out of that. I guarantee you. Next time I see him, I'll ask him. I guarantee he going by 8 and leave by 12 and all the women would come at 12 just because he says crazy shit.

You know what? You're going to get crazy shit out of him. That's the artist that he is, the fucking comic that he is. because he's dangerous. You want a funny guy. Some of them got to be dangerous. But then what happens when you have actors who get in trouble,

like a Lindsay Lohan or whatever, because that means you're kind of enabling them in a way, right? Like, people have gotten in trouble, like with the Charlie Sheens and Lindsay Lohan's, like to a degree that gets dangerous, I think. Listen, I'm not talking about drug use here. Okay. I'm talking about comedy dangerous.

People who are. wild on a set. The worst thing I'll do on a set out of respect for anybody on that set is smoke pot. I would never go to a set with alcohol on my breath and I would never snore coke and go to a set. Even when I was doing blow, I would never go on a set like that. And there are people who do that? I could imagine they are. I don't know. I've never seen them. I've never heard of it, but why not? Sometimes I drink a little. On the set? No, I'm not on a set. I'm like on like a TV set? No, when you're doing a movie, there's people are different. No, I'll never do nothing like that. Listen, NBC signs a show. You're on the show as a comic. They do 100 episodes.

Somewhere along the line, you've got to moderate your behavior to that show. Yeah. And it sucks, and the fucking anti-whatever in you says, fuck all this shit. And you've got two options. You do two years, you make a little bank, and you get off. And you do it like a gentleman. Did I know that when I was 35, 33 when I first moved here? Fuck, no.

I see it now, and I'm telling you. You don't want to be on a show, just say after two years, I don't want to be on this show. But don't fucking blow it up, and then nobody else is going to hire you. Yeah, your reps on the line. Then nobody else is going to hire you. Or it's going to take a year or two for somebody to go, give him a chance. He's grown up since then, which usually does. Listen, that fucking dude, Iron Man, you know, this was a dude that was going off.

He went off for got to be 15 years. What's his name? De Niro. No. No, Robert Dany Jr. Robert Dany Jr. My bad. De Niro, what are you called?

I'm high as fuck right now. Robert Donnie Jr. That dude slipped. Had to be 15 years. It had to be 15 years. Brilliant. The guy is fucking, watch less than zero.

Watch couple fucking movies. I can't remember right now because I'm high as fuck. Less than Zero is one of those movies, man, where he brought his addiction to the stage. It's like, night. You ever see that movie?

He sucks dick. No, no way. Bro, he sucks dick in that movie. Damn. The dude comes and picks him up and drops him up. and drops him off to suck dick. He's foaming from the mouth.

Oh, yeah. He goes deep in that fucking movie. Robbs his family, goes into his family's house. The family throws him out. His fucking thing is foaming. I'm sitting there going, who the fuck does that remind you? This guy hit it on the goddamn,

if you did blow and you fiended and you fuck people over, when you watch that movie, your heart stuff, you're like, this motherfucker just gave my autobiography. He did that good of a job. Was it the writing or wasn't his performance? Watch, turn on any, less than zero. Less than zero? Yeah, they'll have a scene in there when they come get them or something.

I did opium Anthony and James Spader was on the show. Oh, okay. And he was the coat dealer in that. You know, you can't even imagine him as a Coke dealer. I mean, it was like a 19 California drug dealer. You know what I'm saying? Like, it wasn't a... He wasn't like a dog.

I got in a fucking cab the other day with some cab driver from, like, Bolivia. Oh, yeah, he was on the East Coast. And this motherfucker went off about two nationalities. Dominicans and Cholos. He was, I love Mexican people, but fucking Cholos, they're no good. They're no good. Los He'll bein. All right, less than zero late.

We got a bad rap right now. Right there, that second one, right there. Look at him. He was a baby. Oh, yeah. This has to be 87, 88, because it has to be. I can't. 90 maybe what he's a dope fiend in this fuck yet uh like the white oh sorry no like the white

version of chris rock in new jack city not just as bad damn godley what's going on you kick that fucking meal cuck sucker let's see if they show the coke scenes oh this is a video for the fucking the song oh it's sorry You know, what's cool is he donated like a million dollars in TV plasers. The movie, Rumors, right there, the fourth video on the way down. Okay. He donated one, I'm sorry. No, he donated plasmas to the L.A. County Jail because he stayed there for a little bit.

He put two million bucks. They had plasmas in all the day rooms. See? Yeah, yeah. He changed, you know. Oh, there's another fucking video. Oh, they keep messing with your goddamn. Look at James Spader with the red shirt on playing Coke.

dealer. You got no videos for it. Don't worry about Lazy shares of some of these motherless fucks. Yeah, he's such like an Orange County looking drug dealer. Like he... Yeah, this is well, this is Belly Hills.

Yeah, like this is Belly Hills and whatnot. But it was an interesting movie and that guy went through hell all those years. Remember when they found them in Palm Springs with the Catwoman suit or Wonder Woman Suit in the closet and shit? You know, that means the hooker was coming over and he was dressing her up.

87. Who do you think you're dealing with, Joey bananas? That movie came out and I went to prison. Oh, fuck. I remember that when I saw that movie, I was waiting to get sentenced. And I'm watching him, and I'm going, that's what I was doing last night,

phoming from the mouth, just like that, walking around my room crawling, looking under the fucking door. Like an asshole, jerking off the debt for what? For what? Yeah, man, the craziest shit I've done is, like, go outside and, like, make my neighbor's movie. Ocean lights go on.

You ever just walk by the house to see if their lights work? That's the crazy shit I've done. When you're cooked up? That's crazy for me, though. I wouldn't leave the house. Oh, yeah. I have to because, like, I feel like entrapped. Like when I'm outside, it's free.

There's air. I could smoke. So that's back in the day, though. No, I couldn't do that. I shouldn't go outside. You know, man, it's, uh, the last couple weeks I've been getting emails. I got like two a week and they want it inept. Like I know people.

And when people's emails, and I have to write them back, listen, man, at this time, we don't have that kind of time of paperwork. I could scroll for two hours, you know. And it bothered me when I gave people that reply. When people go, can you please tell me how you got your life together after prison? Or can you please help me? I'm trying to get my life together. I don't know how to fuck to do it, blah, blah, blah. Can you please go and take your time and detail it for me?

And I go, you know, I just don't have it. because 50% is I don't know how I did it. You know what I'm saying? I don't know how I did. You know, I did comedy until it beat up the crime. I was still shoplifting and doing stupid shit. And then when I moved to L.A., I wasn't doing no crimes, but I was doing dumb shit.

Like taking lighters from Curzon, that's 7-Eleven in there. It's trying to give by. You know? Your 7-Eleven down the street put the lighters under the counter now. Did they? Which one? The one of Magnolia? I clipped them for a lighter a month out of respect when they break my balls.

When the guy's putting a pizza in and I've got to wait there for five minutes, my lighter's going down. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. And it's so weird how you do it because they actually see it in your hand. And when they ring it up, you put it in your pocket and take the cash out. And they don't know if you're a magician. They don't want to accuse you.

They know you're a regular and they just shake their head. Like this motherfucker got me for a lighter. You ain't going to fund fucking ices with my nickel. You know what I'm saying? I saw at the scary one on Chandler, the guy hit on a girl and she wasn't having it. He got pissed when she lived. Oh, sure. That's ISIS.

Bro, that's the craziest one ever. When they hit on the girls? No. On Chandler and Laurel. It's called ISIS? No, it's called 7-11. Shit, I was like, what I fuck? It's called 7-11.

Oh, it's like their little underground fuckers. It's one that they gave it to them and said, you know, clip the, like the owner and the two owners in the back blud out. They haven't carried them to the 170. Yet they're still in the back, tied up, bleeding. And they're just going there. They don't even know what they're doing. What do you want? Cigarettes today?

Yeah, get me. Where's my mom? Ahmad went back to India. He'll call you what he did it. It's been 14 months. He had problems. The visa him, his wife. They were nice people.

Yes, they were. It's fucking crazy. And the music wasn't on, but he was just hitting on her heart. But there's a young guy that's kind of good-looking? The one with the hair? I don't know. Does he have the turban on? I think he does, but I think sometimes he just has a ponytail.

Yeah, there's one guy that's kind of nice in the daytime. But the chick that works there's Mexican with a lot of teeth, she's ISIS. Oh, yeah. She's a Mexican-Isa. Undercover. She's just not nice. For a Spanish chick, not to be nice or smile. They already brainwashed.

She got good paperwork. What does she do? What do they do? What do they call it? Radicalize you? They already radicalized. I didn't know those Mexican-I-I-Sis. No, they rasal-liz.

If you look at what's going on right now in the East Coast, ISIS is shaving their beards, but the Mexicans and the Spanish people in Hudson County are living their beers long. Why? Because everybody wants to be fucking a star. Everybody wants to be fucking hip and have a fucking bead now. And when they're your color, they can't tell the cops.

So when you get shot, don't come crying to me. You had that fucking beer. First off, you're Spanish. You got to disrespecting half of them with Castro and shit. You want to grow a fucking beer like Alibaba. I get emotional. I'm sorry about beards. You know what I'm saying?

Sometimes beards bother me because I don't know the purpose of him. Like when Ari had a beard. He was my gumba, but I couldn't really run with him with a fucking beard. Why you got a beard for it? Yeah, I can't fuck with that. I'm going to food.

If you're a Hasidic Jew, all right, roll a beard, let it go. Fuck it, I'm with you. But you're a fucking Mexican dude with a fucking beard. What Mexican has a fucking beard? When? Who?

When? Show me. Fivaeata? Who had a fucking. fucking beard. Anthony Quinn? What are they allowed to have? Mustaches? Mustaches. Yeah. Mustache. Deep fucking mustache. There's two guns under their panchos.

It's called a brocha. A brocha. A fuck, we. But it's just really weird. But what do you think the main ingredient was and you staying in the straight and arrow and you know? Wow. Well, you know what? First getting out was like adjusting and knowing that there was a consequence if I went back. Like, hey, when you get out, it's a 90-day violation to go back. Like, no matter what, any parole violation.

So I already had something like bordering me. And then at the same time, you know, I had a daughter, man. I had sons. And I was like, I'm done bullshitting. And it's just like how you said, you know, here and there. I fuck around. Like, it's hard because we have bad habits, bad habits of stuff we know we can get away with. Like I'm not gonna get caught for this. I'm gonna get away with it. That was the hardest habit that I had to like

You know what I'm not gonna fight no more man just like to say no to walk away those were the hardest weird habits because I've always got away with it How often were you getting in fights? Dude when I got out of prison people were like just Messing with me but they weren't I thought they were because I still had that like hey dog don't don't step on my shoe Like don't look at me like that like it was weird. Okay, I I had a fucked up thing happened yesterday to me. We went to the Dodgers game, and we were sitting, Paul got these seats, and there was these, like, three guys next to him. And they were Mexican, and they were, they were, and I left once to go get drinks,

and I came back, and she said, he said something, not like two, not two, but just like, hey, why are you smiling, like, trying to, like, maybe hit on her a little bit. And in my head, I was like, I should say something, but then again, I'm, I'm, I, I'm by myself with he has three friends. I don't really want to get stabbed, but I felt like an asshole. And then I was like, oh, then, well, this is why you do Jitut, but even with Jiu-Dit-so, I couldn't, that wouldn't be good for me. Not at a Dodger game. So, yeah, not at a, so that's a thing.

So, like, but I was like, I felt like, I feel fucked up about it. I feel like I should have just been like, hey, man, like, at least said something, but I don't know. It's just, it's, I understand that. What are those tickets? She got them. A group on? I did. Do they even have a group on tickets?

Yeah, I mean, they have, for the last game, the Vince Kowler? Well, she got them months ago for her mom, but then her mom's in Mexico for two weeks. I mean, I love to know what it costs for me to go to a game and not get fucking harassed. Well, I love to know what it costs for me to take my wife and daughter and not feel like a fucking victim in that. Right. You had to get, like, booth. And I said to you before you went, I go, ah, you know, anytime somebody tells me they're going on an event like that, now a fucking dodger game a ram game you know the other place you don't get beat up is at laker games

why not i never understood that anna glen they've already had beeps the first two or three weeks security people raider fans are right and fighting raider fans yeah well laker games is like warriors like everyone just meets up all the gangs they all wear the same shit and everyone this lakers is lakers nobody's ever been shot in a year you're right i've never no because it's a basketball game it's got to be the gangs i don't know what gangs are out there i'm not fucking gangland the only one i remember is got to be at least 10 years ago the indiana one where they went into the state and where they like oh yeah that was when uh ron artes went in the stands and starting beating people up that's the only thing i can remember talking about i you motherfuckers

shooting each other an NBA game well i think i was a kid what's his name took a gun out of an NBA game but that was completely different marvin bad news bonds at a nick game when he got ejected and shit but that motherfucker you know he got stopped in 10 airports in his career for carrying 10 guns and she didn't give a fucking a mom and bad news bonds and shit Jesus Christ

that's fucking crazy yeah I mean even in high school football games and all that but yeah never NBA game that's weird I mean I would my agent said to me I have boxing or whatever season ticket so does Burke Kreischer So does Burke Craig.

I sit and I go, if there's nine home games, you're going to get clocked in the head one time. The odds are against you. Nine times you've got to go down there, park, and walk in there. One of those nine times, you're either going to get it with a pretzel

or points to the fucking head. What if you, you know, I mean, now they're beating up even if you're the home team. They're coming to your stadium and beating you up. That's who gets beat up now, the home team. The home team gets beat up. They're coming out with their little jerseys on.

There you go. You want to win nothing no more. You're going to win in the fucking hospital. Oh, shit. It's fucking crazy. So, you know what? That zaps me to fuck out of that. But do you think Green Bay is like that?

I don't think Green Bay is like that. Like, well, not yet. LA is like that. It's too cold to act like stupid in Green Bay. You get smacked in the wintertime. That stays with you for a fucking lifetime. You ever get smacked in the wintertime? No, no.

I did. It's not pretty. Get hit with a basketball on the nose in the wintertime after you've been outside for an hour. That's fucking with gloves on with the fingertips cut off So you can handle the ball And the ball don't bounce because it's frozen How about that one for you?

You just got to pass the ball And you go to shoot the ball And somebody fouls you. You have no idea In the wintertime when it's like to hear this On a frozen face When you hear this On a frozen face. What about just playing football

And just catching the ball When it's freezing out? Listen, it's a nightmare Even with the fucking badge Even as a kid when it's like When you're just playing two-hand touch When I was a kid, I went through car windows. I'm still thinking.

When you were kidding, man. You were the car windows? Listen, they used to play street hockey. I'm giving that terrace. And one day I thought I was cool when I put the fucking, you had to go to Tom McCann and get NHL sneakers. They loop different. They do the thing.

I went up there, and those days, sneakers cost what? 12 bucks. Those fucking sneakers cost 22, 22. I bought those things like Dean LaPrieg, these crazy white dudes, talk me into playing street hockey. And next thing you know, I went down there, I didn't know what was going on. Next thing you know, bro, the game ended when a fucking car glass broke your fucking head because they would tackle you against the car. And one day we played some lunatics from some other street and some kid's head got busted.

Some kid's leg, he slid and it got caught in it. The car wasn't moving. You know what I'm saying? The car was parked. But he got caught on like ice and his leg went under it. And he held up. So he broke his own foot. fucking leg because he had his arm

as he went in and you heard the leg go, top! And all of a sudden yelling when you're fucking 12 and 10, you can't and then one time, they checked me, is that what that's called? Yeah. When they check you? Yeah. And my head went in, I didn't butt the glass went... Were you wearing a helmet? Oh yeah, he should have seen

me with my fucking helmet. If you shut up in those days with a helmet leave, they'd let you put it on and then they fucking take it off and beat you with it and take you the fucking alley. I played street hockey three times. And that was it Did you even have a stick? He's a rob.

No, I bought the whole thing. You know me in those days. I was robbing my stepfather's lawyer phone. I'll take two 20s and go right to Journal Square and get a fucking hockey stick. The gloves, I had everything. I was ready to play hockey. Why not just buy the helmet then?

Because in those days you didn't wear helmets sleet street hockey. That's why. What are you, half a fucking fruit cake? You can't show up the fucking helmets. I didn't. Really, I didn't know. I'm 10.

11. 10. 10-year-olds are crazy. I'm just someone hit someone in the hip with the stick. I want you to give you this. psychology I'm 10 11 right I just got thrown on a Catholic school I needed friends for beating up the nun I was Spanish nobody Spanish wanted to hang out with me because I was crazy we did numbers my family the numbers did the Santerias of Spanish

people stayed away from me so I finally found a little group of white kids that would let me hang out with them and shit you know what I'm saying and that's how it falls that's it that's how it works out I told you I went down there three times and that was it for me they were fucking street animals there were street animals. I couldn't do that. Did you play any other sports with them? Like, did you guys play football? We played football and all that stuff. Listen, I never played nothing in North Bergen because by the time I even got integrated in North Bergen, it was too late. I was 12 or 13. I had been away at school, at Catholic school. I got thrown out in the sixth grade. So I got thrown on the fifth. I didn't hit North Bergen until

the sixth grade. Even though I had lived there in the 73, I went to school somewhere else. And everything I did was in the city, like we used to play football with shoulder pads, but no pants. I was semi. You're fucking kids. Hell, yeah. That's what I did. No, I liked all that stuff. I was basically a basketball guy that didn't know what he was doing.

And I would go to other towns because in those days, in the 70s, it was loose. If I had a cousin that lived in Glendale, I used his adjus and played Glendale wreck. if Lee Syatt lived in fucking North Hollywood I used Lees Syatt's so I would have t-shirts from all those towns I would go to all those leagues My mother had a bar in Union City

My dad had a business in West New York Do you follow me? We had a house in North Bergen He was local, everyone had a fucking garage in Gunnberg We knew everybody so when we play And I played in all those leagues until they found out And threw me out Playing the field

That's the only way you'd get better At basketball I would go to all those little fucking things. St. Anthony's C.Y.O. I would go all the way down there and take the bus or take my bicycle. You'd play on multiple teams in the year? Like multiple teams of the ones? Yeah, that's what I'm saying?

It's basketball season. So one league would be on Tuesday nights. The other league would be on Wednesday nights. The other league would be on Thursday night. And there'd be a league on Friday night. What would you say when they say, hey, who do you have for science? I don't know. I go to St. Joe's or something.

I would make something. I would make some. All you needed was address. Oh, you need it was an address. Where do you go to scores? long as you live in that township you go to school in Jersey City they don't give a fucking playing the wreck here oh right so the practice is started 630 I would play wherever my school was till 5 30 practice gets out right school school school ends at three practice such a

3 30 to 5 I would eat something take a bus the other fucking rec center boom play next night boom I remember when I went to you know what three seconds is yeah a three second violation is when you stay oh yeah standing the key one of my most retardo moments in my life was I had to shirt I had the basket I had the limousines for the feet and shit that match my shirt and shit never mind you have limousines for the feet but if you have limousines for the feet that match your shirt forget about it forget about it and then you got the shorts I had the knee pads like Julia serving I do want to play basketball but I really didn't know the rules I had played I had played I had

played street basketball and the street basketball we don't have the ball you could sit under the net yeah So I'll never forget them picking me like, this guy's badass. Like some dudes are like, we saw him, doggy jams. Because, again, it's not how many people you shoot. It's who you shoot. I would get ready. I would do all that shit just to get ready for Saturday down at Gilmore School.

Because there was a kid at Gilmore School. His name was Dracula. And he was six foot two and he slammed dunked. And all the rep, if you really were good at basketball, you went down in Saturdays. Never mind, if you got picked, you didn't see the ball. You just played defense. but just to be on drag's team and talk shit by your homie shit what did you do so

I was hanging with drag I was hanging with drag now I hear of shit we beat these motherfuckers 162 he slammed dunk I fed him an alley ub I blocked this shot you didn't do dick I didn't do dick I just ran back and forth hey I'm open

nobody even gave me the fucking ball who you kid did you ever get picked I got picked because I had hustle and I would die but nobody gave me a fucking ball hey man good game come on we're back up again This time I'll give me the ball.

Are you excited to him? Dog, I was opening the wing. I got a deadly 12. You know what I'm saying? How old were they? Like 18, probably? Yeah, it'd be 15, 16. And I'm just a fucking mope 12-year-old.

But having fun. And they would say, listen, dog, we're going to give you the ball on the side. You'd be waiting out there like a fucking, like a kid on Sunday, waiting for your stepdad to come and pick you up. You'd be out there. What happened?

It was fucking brutal, guys. It's like comedy, man. It's like comedy, man. comedy the first three years of comedy nobody picks you for dick nobody picks you for dick and your buddies get picked all around you're sitting there like a fucking fricking face fuck no I look at what you're doing I see the rap battles I see the comedy central thing yeah man I'm just like I'm grinding hard you know it's cool I stopped doing all those little fundraisers and car wash shows and all that not that they're bad

but I just said I'm gonna go to store and get better be around better and be around the and it's nothing so far, but it's something, you know, I'm happy from what I'm getting and I'm grateful, and I'm just going to keep pushing, you know? You know, the toughest thing in anything is just to get it, and then you prove yourself, and then people take to you little by little, and that's in any field that you go.

You know, people want all this quick recognition and shit. You go there, you get there on time, you do your job, and next you know, people start looking at you, going, you know what, call Lee. Lee will you fucking do it. Yeah. And next, you know, Lee's got a corner. He's got an extra fucking gig and somebody else easily.

And that's basically what this is. When I got here, I used to look at people and go, what were you Monday? I know, my girlfriend didn't feel good. And I go, we're doing comedy, bro. I don't do with your girlfriend. You're up there by yourself on the mic. You give your girlfriend, Michael. Okay, give you a shot of Michael, and you fucking disappear for two hours.

Two hours is all you need a night. Yeah, straight up. Especially if you have friends. They cover you. George, I really need a spot. And my wife's been sick for three days. Can you hook me up for seven minutes just to try this new joke? I read, boom, people hook you up.

Fuck, yeah. And when I first got here, my mentality was I was out every night. Every night. You know, when I once heard that when you go to AA, they say the first 90 days when you come out of rehab are the most crucial. The first 120 days, you have to go to AA meetings, 120 days in a row, at least two meetings a day. I looked at that as comedy. I really did until it overcame everything. I was fucking hungry, too.

I lived in a car too, dog. I took showers at the store of Coke. Big deal. You got to fucking do something with you life. You have to give something to it. They're not just going to open up the fucking factory for you. I'll issue with three arts or APA or CAA. And at that time, those people wouldn't even fucking walk in the room where I was.

So, but I'm still fucking. mesmerized by you. How long have you been out for now? Six years. Six years. Six years. September 21st. See what I'm saying?

I keep tabs on your cock suck. So when we met, you were just getting out like a year? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. It's really funny.

Like, I was noticing with you and Agostino. And because I've been around, I've gotten to see, like, a lot of, like, great shows with Joey over the years. And it's, it's actually been really cool

to see the same people who have been on the shows, like, get better. Like, it's, it's like, oh, it's like, because you, if I haven't seen you for a while, and then I get to see you, and it, I love, people, people will come up to me, like, I heard you laughing back there. I love going to the shows and giggling and laughing. So it's, it's really cool. Because you come, like, you're always at, like, at least one show a year, usually with Joey, so it's cool to get to see you and, like, the difference between, like, five and six years.

Oh, fuck, yeah. you know, it's like how Joey said, you just go five times a week and you give it out. And one thing, he told me all the time, he's right. He's like, right, get the fuck up, right. Doesn't matter when you do it, do it. And keep working on it and it gets better. I'm fucking high as fuck right now, guys. Yeah.

You know, I sat with Willie a couple times to help me with the special. You know, you're doing comedy 25 years. You think you know all the fucking angles. And then I sat with that fucking genius Cardiologist of a fucking writer Because that's what he is He's a cardiologist of fucking writing Just little things

And I've been catching myself on stage doing him Oh He goes you close Say that line And then go into it So make that that line go into it So sometimes Fucking Lee looks like a terrorist

You know fucking terrorist You know what I'm saying? Yeah It's just a role Little things that You learn from people when you pick up, you know. But I'll tell you, to answer your question,

the one I asked you that has been killing me, you know, I really think that sticking to your guns is the most important thing to turn your life around. And when I say sticking to your guns, you're going to understand this, George. When you stick to your guns, people who loved you, some of them are you going to shake away?

Because they don't understand where you're coming from. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I kind of feel that already. You're coming to Y'all. You're coming. I'm your old buddy. And I know you love me. I got love for you.

And I want you to be a comment. But guess what, bro? You were gone for fucking two years and how to smoke with fucking Lee. That motherfucker never brings rolling papers. He comes over and eats my mother's leftovers and shit. I want to talk to you and shit, you know? So now I want to come over Tuesday night and all of a sudden you're like,

hold on one second before you light that joint. I got to go. And people, what about that party on Saturday? Can you make my party? I got three shows in Bray that night, Bramu, you know, and all of a sudden it's like, I'm getting married, can you do this, can you do this? And all of a sudden, your availability list starts falling on, so people start looking you differently. I had a batch of friends, and it haunts me every day.

I loved them dearly. We partake with each other. We gave to one another. It was a commune. 1440 Gardner will always go down in my heart. I drive by there whenever I go to Hollywood and I beep. even though everything has changed in the building that building means more than me than anything

that's the old one you should live out right all of us ralphi no okay i didn't know that one schrader gardener is el compadre okay whenever you hear all my elkampadre stories there was that building there first person who was it you ralphi the first person to ever have an apartment there was a kid that moved to alaska and he gave the apartment to doug stand home oh shit doug stanhope had his apartment on Curzon and this apartment on Gardner, which is two blocks away from each other.

And Doug would go over there at night and just have little parties. And then when Ralphie came to town in 99 and 98, Doug said, Ralphie, stay here. Ralphie stayed there first. John Wesleyan stayed with him. Jody Frederick lived on him, and I lived in him. I lived in the corner by the floor, right on the floor that roaches would crawl on me and the whole thing. But then as the people came out from Houston, Jody got an apartment in the building.

A sister gentry got an apartment in the building. And another friend from Houston, Celine, lived in the building. Then our other friend Gavin moved in the building. So that was only one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight apartments. And five of them were us. Oh. Do you follow me? Yeah, you run that shit.

So Celine, now I didn't have an apartment. You just were like the wound. I just went to wherever there was a couch or a bed. So Jody and Gentry would travel, and they would leave me the keys to their apartment. And I would sweep the apartment. I would take care of it. I don't like people over my place anyway at night. You know, maybe something was stolen.

I wouldn't. And then when Jody would come back, Celine would be shooting Jamie Kennedy's show. And they'd be out of town, and I would stay there on the couch for three days. Damn. Then Ralphie would fucking be out of town for two weeks. It was, it just worked out. It was just such a, and you wanted some refrigerators and some days they had food,

and some days you went to the storm bought food and people cooked it for you. It was something that, it was two years of my life, that's why I let the bum on fire. That's why I did so much evil, you know, that Elcompancha was right there. I was in the heyday of my cocaine addiction. If it wasn't for me and my wife,

I would have died in that fucking building on the roof because I would go to the roof lane at the night and snort and bring people up there and freaks and shit. That bikini looks nice on you. So that's where you were before you meant your wife? Yeah. Jeez. In 99, Gavin Boyd moved into the building.

I was in 98, Gavin Boyd, I was going on the road for six weeks. And on the second week of the road, I got to call from Gavin going, when you come back, you have a place to sleep. Full time, you can sleep on my couch. I got one bedroom, and I'm going to need you here to look after shit just little by little. So when I got back there, I stayed in Gavons. But Gavin had the dog, and they were pissing on me when I was sleeping.

And he would open the door in the daytime and talk loud when you're fucking sleeping. I'm walking at 6. And he's on the phone at 8, talking to people, opening up the door, asking me if I'm hungry. I'm fucking hungry. I'm still coming down off that blow. I didn't fucking text the goddamn morning. So when I met Terry, I was on the road pretty much. Like I met Terry in July, and a week later, I went on the road to New York, Syracuse, Buffalo.

And I came back and I would see Terry for two or three nights. I'd go on the road. But I still live with Gatton. And then one time I asked Terry, can I come over and do laundry? I never left. That's what you make fun of me when you're saying, oh, I've been planning the movie with Paul? You're like, yeah, I just brought laundry and never left. Yeah, you just bring laundry and you never leave.

What's this? What's this? This is everything. This is everything. This is everything. Let's hang it up. Where the hang is that? Will I hang. But that was a house I'll never forget.

I mean, I had all my paperwork was going over there. I didn't change my license until like 2000 fucking tent. From 2008, my license was over there always. Because if the cops were looking for me, they go there and they come find me. Yeah, exactly. I said I at least get 20 minutes a time. So what would you do? That's actually kind of interesting.

When you were like acting and stuff and living in hotels, do you have like a PO box? I was getting my mail there at Gavons. For years. Yeah, sometimes. I've had a P.O. box in Boulder. I got a P.O. box now. You know.

But I always had a little something. Like I always have Gavins. When you sign up with SAG, you can't have. a PO box. You gotta have a physical address. Really? What if you keep moving? Then you have to put in change your address and good luck on your residual checks. That's 90 day turnaround, bitch.

So the more you move, the more your checks are moving around. So you've got eight checks coming to you and get four and put fucking four losses. And that takes an extra 90 fucking days. So you don't get your money for 180 days. Fuck you. Uncle Joey did that already.

I don't move that much, bitch. And then you know what they do? They'll send you bills to that place. And when you don't pay them, you get a letter at your new place. They sent you a bill and you didn't pay. All that dirty motherfuckers. Then the insurance will do the same thing.

They'll send the bill to your old address. And when you don't pay it, though, I had a dentist. Maybe six years ago I went to a dentist and he goes, Joey, you get a root canal, just go down the corner, tell him my son, you'll do it right. And I'm like, what are you talking? talking about I've never heard that I thought you were dentists do it he goes on we

don't do that here how to get up stop what I was doing pay the bitch for what the fuck I just did and walk down a block and a half with a smock on like an idiot and fucking somebody you know and go to a fucking dentist and he pulls it out he goes what do you have when you know I gave him three bills cash I never heard from the guy I guess did he do it though yeah he did it no problem guy was great we had a great time we giggled this shit I never heard from the guy again He goes, I don't know what's going to cost you. What do you got in that?

I go, here's three. Build a difference insurance. Never heard from the guy again. Excuse me. I'm shooting a fucking commercial for Sprint. The phone rings. It's a collection agent. With this fucking moron.

He sent a bill to, like, an address when I lived in New Jersey, before I went to prison. I swear to God. I go, where did you get that address from me? He goes, well, this is the address my assistant found online. I came to you in California. Why would I have a fucking new? Jersey address.

Wow. You motherless fuck. Are you stupid? I made him call the Credit Bureau. I keep having creditors sent to me for the clinic that I go to. Because you can't go to a dog. If you get sick here,

you can't go to the doctor. They say, okay, we can give you an appointment in two weeks. So every time I go, I say how much it's going to be, and they always say nothing. I don't get a bill, and then I get a collection agency notice, and I have to go online and fucking pay it. It's crazy. No, it's a shit system, man.

Yeah, I haven't bought shit since I've been out, like, with a credit card or nothing. But my credit's completely going to be good in a year, because after seven years. You got an ATM card? No. Well, you've got an ATM cut and build up a little bit. Oh, yeah. Like a card to Amazon, or the shit online. Okay.

You know, build up show that you, you know, dog, listen. I'm not a spy, huh? In 1991, in 1993, George, and I've told this story. before I couldn't go anywhere. Are you on the run? No. I didn't pay a credit card. Not one of them.

The only thing I did was sold a condo, everything else. I fucking did illegally. They got my car. They got everything. American Express. Visa, MasterCard, Diners Club, Discover. Discover, this account was closed.

And I went and wrote one of those checks they send you when you get the card. Bam, cash that midnight. for a thousand Gbo 901 Monday the bank's calling me that account was closed we could throw you in jail but you can't you cash the bitch that's my money that's like the business

law number one they put a check in your mailbox that bitch belongs to you until you figure it out it's fucking crazy you can't do that shit no more though dog I fucked everybody I couldn't go to a comedy club like if I would fucking have a webpage for years

I couldn't I wouldn't advertise for years it got to the point where they were know like they knew I was at the broker and they would call the broker every Tuesday. This is not even six months after I got separated, bro. I'd be at the bar and the phone would be ringing. Joey for you. Hello. Hey, this is

Bill. Joey, what's going on? How's comedy going? Listen, you'll discover $800. We'll take $6.2.50. And they call the next Tuesday. We didn't get you a check. It was a I would go to Comedy Works. They fucking started calling the Comedy Works. That's fucking crazy.

A new talent night. So they were calling the daytime. There's Joey Diaz want to be here tonight? Yep. And they would call me or leave a message, credit bureau, and then the fucking management would give me a slip. I'm dying for my life here as an open mic. And you're going to leave messages from that.

I don't pay my fucking bills. God damn it. They're on it. Like, so on it. It breaks your fucking hard and embarrasses. But that's how deep I went, dog. I had to cancel everything. I got a PO box in those days.

is in Boulder, I started getting letters in there. They found out where the P.O. box was. I just split. I never responded to zero. So my wife went on the computer, like two years after we were together. She was like, she was like, all right, let's clean this shit out.

And she started writing letters to these motherfuckers, little by little. And I always kept the credit card for $2.50, even if it was high interest, just to show that I could pay. Zales always give you a car. all right go to zales tomorrow buy something for 300

you could get $10 for it if you were selling it but that's the way and everything you buy is going to be 42% interest but who gives the fuck you pay it off for a year that comes up in your credit being that's what I did I had a sales card because I bought knick knacks

for my wife and I had a fucking ATM card and then I had a card for $500 some fucking moron company sent me but I was taking cash investment answers on that for weed. When the weed store first opened, it would cost me $62 to pull out of 20. I almost went nuts.

Damn. But that's how bad I was. But you know what, I could walk into any motherfucking joint today and go, yo, zero down. Two-10 a month. That's how banging the credit is, bro. That was 21 years ago. Don't even bring it up, bitch. I've been working because I've been trying to get mine better. Like mine was good for a while.

It's been like a little bit low for a little bit like it dipped a little bit and it's fucked up because every time Every time you go in a new car It's like a they check your credit so every time you pull up your credit It affects you Let's say you're a mutt and you think you're cute and you go to all these dealers to get a dollar off Every time they pull your bureau and then I know you bet So as soon as I rip it out I look down and go this much been at North Hollywood He's been at Glendale Toyota Hollywood Toyota

receipt of Toyota. This guy's a bum. And I'll tell him to his face. Do it. What's the problem here? You got good credit. You're looking for a dollar off? It's over. This is what you're paying for the car. You went to five places they told you know. You think we're going to bend your fucking dummy? Take the 249.

My car is worth $3,800. Listen, your car is worth $1,6,800 if I light it on fire. You know what I'm going to give you. I'm going to say, you're my car for bare bones. because people don't understand, like, they're like, well, if you say to me, well, I want the money off, I can't give you both, and I give you the money off, but then you still got to take 18 for my car. No, no, no, no, no, yeah. I give me $3,000 off, right?

Now, you got to give me $3,000. What are you going to give me $18? Because I got, you know what I'm saying? But people never understood that. They're like, no, I wanted that price, and I want $38 from my car. Well, you went to $10 fucking places. It got you nothing. How long did you sell cars for?

I remember you were a time. I used to be a car salesman. Like a year here. Then I would get into comedy and then I would feel bad about comedy. I'd do it for three months and say, what the fuck am I doing? How can I have a job if I'm going to be a comic?

Altogether, I sold cars altogether maybe three years. And was it like hourly and commission? Mm-mm. If you get hourly and commission, if you get hourly after about three months, they tell you to get the fuck out of there. You're a failure. Because you only get hourly when you don't tell them.

of cars yeah we need them sell I didn't even know so it's what's minimum wage today in California it's like nine bucks all right so you get 40 times nine you get 360 times four even if you work the 80 fucking hours they don't give a fuck you get paid for 40 as part of the training

program oh wow they give you a flat 500 a week or something but a moron could walk up there make more than that the first week if you really put your mind to it just like anything else bro just like anything else you know DiAgostino sold those fucking pens online for a long time. He was really good at it.

He wasn't making bad money. He was walking out of $15, $16 an hour for five hours of work. You're home by 1 o'clock. But he knew that there was dirty bucks an hour in that motherfucker of Diagostino would have stayed another year. There's 30 bucks an hour selling pens online. That's crazy. That's fucking crazy.

You can make a buck 50 a day. That's $7.50 a week selling fucking pens online with Diagestan. I was working 20 hours a week. And you could go take a nap and go out and do comedy. Yeah. That's not a bad gig. It would take you a year,

18 months to do that. I've always like, when you talk about selling cars, I don't know anything about cars. You don't need to know anything about anything. That's what people's problem is. That's where people get caught. That's why they always say

a salesman gets ruined when he gets smart. any salesman. They're talking about any salesman in general. Any salesman. I don't care if you're selling insurance. I don't care if you're selling fucking computers. I don't care if you're selling... Anytime you have a job on commission,

you go through a big slump. And that's why people drop out. Because that slump is... The first month is pure luck. It's mom's mom. You know, that kid that comes to your house and go dog. My mom picked 12 by the 12 in the football pool. She won $5 a lot.

Let me see that fucking witch, do it again. You know what I'm saying? But it's always the first one or two times. My first month in the car business, I sold 14 cars. Oh, shit. Then the next month I sold like 16. Then the next month I sold like 18. Then the next month I sold four.

I got smart. I went away from what they taught me. Then the fifth month I sold like six. I got frustrated. Then the sixth month I sold like five and I quit and I went to another dealership. But I still brought the bad habits. and that dude took me back to basics. And he explained to me that not knowing about the car

is beneficial, not knowing about the product. You know why? Because now you've got a reason to bring me in. And I'm the killer inside. You're the nice guy, and I'm the big, bad wolf. And I tell you all the time. That's what everything. Whether you're selling computers on the phone, you call me.

And I go, let me see what my boss wants to do. Yep. Your boss don't exist. You're the boss. You're just trying to keep your fucking commission or make the sale for a bonus. But people are very confused when it comes to that shit because you've got to size out the guy and see what his buttons are. So George comes in for a fucking computer and he wants to know how fast it is. He plays videos and he likes to play music on there.

Now's your computer jargo comes into that. But it's mixed with salesmanship. Okay. All right. I don't know much about the computer. I don't know much about a cell phone. But let's pretend, just for the sake of arguing, I got a list, and your name came on at least I asked for insurance.

You have no insurance. Okay, I have no insurance, but I want a car. George Perez is one of the top insurance guys in the area in North Hollywood. But not only is George Perez kind of smart. George Perez knows that bird-dogging is everything. So George Perez puts an ad at the coffee shop $10 an hour come to my office and call these leads from 5 to 7 at night.

All right. So I come in. So if I fucking sell George, if I sell insurance, I'm not going to get you to look at me. If I sell George, I'm not going to fucking get you to listen to me. I got to sell the appointment.

That's the most important thing. Because my job is to get George at the door. You know why? Because I get $10 an hour. But I get $10 every time George gets an appointment, plus $50 if he sells it that night. And if I send George on $10 an hour, George's going to sell $6 of those motherfuckers.

I used to make more money doing that job leave than I ever did anything else on the phone. And I had to move. That was the worst thing about when I got that job. It was too late in my life. like I was leaving New Jersey. This job was like if I was here and I had to walk to the fire station.

It was like stealing George. The guy's like, listen, you want to come in a five. If you're coming from five tonight, he gave me $10. The guy was, I got an American flag on this thing. Flags everywhere. He wasn't going to fucking juke me down for a nickel. This guy. Dog, every week he would give me fucking cash

and my head would blow up. Damn. Because it was 20 hours a week. And I was probably making $8, $750, $800. And I did, and that was from the beginning. Like in the beginning, the first week I made like $5.50, $6.50. Then I lingered about $750, $7.50, $7.70. There was always a straight figure to give me a printout and shit.

And I go, wow. Because after a week, I figured out it wasn't him or whatever. It was the appointment first, him, back to the appointment, him, back to the appointment. him back to the appointment him back to the appointment him our agency back to the appointment you know I'm saying so it was always back to the appointment what time can he be to tomorrow well I don't know what tomorrow okay Thursday night's its agenda's open he's in your neighbor it's 6 o'clock well I'm not sure I don't like strangers well he can meet you at the coffee shop you know and I would just go and he would get three appointments a night on me that's 15 bucks you know plus the fucking 25 plus the 50 for

the bonus it was sensational guys has money And so you never actually sold one thing, but you just made it. Not one thing. I just sold motherfucking appointments. Yeah. That's the most important thing about anything you may sell. You're going to sell one thing, and you're going to stick with one thing. And you know one thing with sales or anything else in life.

The more people I have contact with, the more I'm going to sell. I go out to bars, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I'm a 25-year-old good-looking guy. I do steroids. I got a nice little job at Sprint. I live in my mother's basement, but it's doing it up. I can fuck chicks over there. I got a car.

I'm making $2.20 a month. It's got the Chinese rims, firecrackers coming out. You know what I'm saying? I go out every night. I know one thing that I didn't know it fucking 20, and I didn't know this at 30. I figured that when I was too old and too fucking ugly. The more women to talk to, the more women you're going to sleep with.

When you go to a bar, if you're a pig, and you just keep talking with girls, hi, how are you? If you ask 10 of them for the phone number, how many of them are going to give you, numbers just off the cup four of them just sell Tinder you're on Tinder give me a shot I'm not creepy I'm from the neighborhood I live down the corner I've lived here all my life where'd you go to high school memorial I went to North Berger let's do this together right

or wrong creepy dudes get numbers and they put them in their phone and at night after they do three lines of coke they start calling those numbers guess what they went out three nights and they got 30 fucking numbers somebody's coming out to polish my helmet where's Tony Bellet at least dirty numbers somebody's coming over I can't imagine getting 30 numbers in a week

and that's crazy because a head or nose the more numbers is sales I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart

we got more stars we do 50 milligrams those little cancel ones That 150 Sure why not I'm good I'm high

Sure A somebody who Will swear to be true As you used to do With me Who'll leave you to learn That misery Love's company

Wait and see I want to be around Let me give some shoutouts real quick My main man David Neverez Paul Nolan Steamboat Willie Crystal Johnson

My little savage over in Utah Send him Black Savage shirts Amy another one or two Avan Otto Kevin Horth And Punch Drunk Podcast Those motherfuckers always out there banging out from Jason

Tebow to Sam Tripley to my brother, motherfucking what's his name? Ari Schaefer. She's the guy in Denkys The guy in Dallas used to call him. Is Ari Schaefer coming with you this? No, Ari Schaefer stayed home making fucking swirls. What the fuck? I don't know.

How long have you known Ari? Like 12, 13 years? Yeah, from the Comedy Store. He was really young and he answered the phones and shit like that. And no matter what position I was in, I always like talking to those guys, you know, because I wanted to see what they were going through, you know.

You don't really know how bad you got it until you talk to somebody, you know, and you think you got it bad. You know, Brian Holstman, one-nine told Brian Holmes, and I can't fucking believe I'm down here, fucking 1-30 spot. And he goes, if you don't want the spot, don't do it. Put a sign up. You don't want the spot at 1-30. See how many people sign up for that fucking spot?

Yeah. You learn your lesson. That's the reals. That's the reals. We don't know how good we got it. So, you know, it's good to see what you're doing. Listen, man, it's good that you're out of the system because you know, bro, once you get in that system. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ. And people have no idea. We talk all the time on this shit in the show. Once you get in the system, then bad luck takes over. Like, you did something stupid. But then after that, bad luck always has a weird way of showing up. You know, like your cousin comes over. He needs a ride to get an ounce a blow.

He'll give you an eight ball. Boom, the guy who delivered to the cops are there. It's got nothing to do with you. Then you get a case of bad luck. Then you're out on bail. Everything is going good. And now you need money to pay the attorney. That place used to rob all the time, stereos.

Now you go. There's an silent alarm as you're coming out. They don't really get you. They get your car. And now you're going to explain. It's just a case of bad luck. Then where you live, fucking, they throw you out. because you haven't paid the rent,

then bad luck takes over, and then eventually you end up in the fucking system. And that's the reels in the beginning. It's bad luck mixed with a bad mistake. You know, okay, listen, I'm wrong. Sometimes people get a gun and go into a gas station and shoot a clerk the first time. That's fucked up, you know?

But nine of the ten, those people have done something before. They just didn't wake up one fucking day and say, I'm going to go get a gun. And it takes fucking complete. different style of fucking lunacy, you know? I can't imagine going on. Like, I've been thinking about it a little bit, but sometimes I even worry.

I'm like, I don't know what would happen. Like, anyone can have a bad night. Like, what if I had a fucking crazy bad night? And then some, like, it could happen. Like someone's shooting you with the gun? I don't know. Like, people always say if you get stuff like that, it attracts it. So I don't know.

But then again, you see, I don't know if you saw that video of the, I don't know if it was a store. house but three people broke in and the other chick had a gun she killed she killed mom that was great so that's i was like fuck yeah maybe i didn't listen we've said it before on the show only a fucking moron today wouldn't at one time think of getting a gun for your home and your safety and your family hell yeah when you drive down your street and you see that guy in your corner or you drive down your street and notice that your light bulb is on in front of your building there's so many little things and you know what man there's so many people

that are willing to do something somebody was telling me in jersey a few weeks ago a guy got murdered because a gang went out that night and said something if you give them high beams shoot them oh man you know shit like that you never know no more guys no it's true but you know what the situation is the other day i'm in new york and i'm sitting there and i'm waiting to get a cab and you know what

i just want to sit there and breathe the city you never just want to sit somewhere and breathe the city a particular situation. Enjoy the moment. And I'm sitting there watching. I go, you know what would happen if right now fucking Alibaba pulled up here and took his jacket off and said, for the name of Christ, I'm killing myself. Would Joey Diaz, with George Perez, with Lysayat, immediately pull out a gun and shoot the guy in the head?

Would you be that cool, common collector before he pulled the trigger? Which he's going to pull because it's got to tape to his fucking hand or glued to his Hey, and there's a glove. Unless I was just training, which I think if I got a gun, I'd have to go to get training like that. Lysa, do you know what goes to your heart? I'd bust a cap in his fucking ass. I know you would, George.

But for most people. Yeah, they ain't been where we've been. They don't got our training. It's the reaction time. Okay, yes. In those situations, when you, when, you know, I go to a place and I sit there for 10 minutes and I'm going to see something that's fucked up.

that Lee wouldn't even dream of seeing. I'm not saying 10 minutes. I'm exaggerating. Let's say an hour. If I sit on a New York City corner on a stoop, eating a hot dog and reading the paper, and I'm just watching, in one hour, I will see something illegal or two things illegal, that Lee will not say. You know, I know how fast you walk. You know, why?

Because I did it. If I see you walk by twice, I know what you're doing. Oh, yeah. Looking at something. You know, how you look at me to see if I'm watching you, where you stop, you know, it's this things people do that. You go, hold on one second. This guy's up to know that.

And people like me who just have no reference for it, it just doesn't even, it doesn't even, it's not a fault. It's that you're not used to that. But we don't even see anything. Yeah. Unless I come up to you and then go, Lee, listen, we're going to start a bookmaking operation. I say to you one day, Lee, we're going to start a bookmaking operation. we're going to start a bookmaking operation.

Okay. All right. Me and George are going to work the phones and the blackboard. She's going to work the phones. I need you to just sit outside. Get a chair. Read the paper. And every 20 minutes, take a walk.

Well, I walk where? Take a walk. Get a dog. I don't give a fuck what you do. Take a walk. Because some days you're going to take a walk over there. Some nights you're going to take a walk over there. You can't take the car because you're going to take a walk over there.

You can't take the car because you're going to. You can't leave the post. But pretty soon you're going to pick up things to look at. You're going to see that guy that's been in the car for 22 minutes. Why is he in his car? You'll see that cop car that drove around twice. You're going to learn them on our cars, how they come around. It's really crazy.

That's how I learned. I wanted Julio Rodriguez to call him here a couple weeks ago. He was opening up a new jitza school. He sort of a cousin to me. And when they were on the phone about a month ago, and I asked them a question. I remember we were young kids. We used to have to go to Harlem in the Bronx on Saturdays

and work for our mutual friend. He was maybe three years older than me, Julio, and his brother was sandwich. When we were like 10, sandwich, weighed fucking 300 pounds already. That's what he loved sandwiches. So they called him sandwich. Sandwich, because he was Puerto Rican sandwich. And I would go to Catholic school.

And when I come home on Friday night, I say, if I go to my mom and go, Ma, I saw this bicycle, da-da-da-da-da-da. Go work for chair on tomorrow. He'll give you 50 bucks for the day. I don't work with a channel. Go work with a channel. And I would go, they pick you up in the morning,

take you into Howard Johnson's, eat breakfast, and then you're shooting to the boogie down Bronx. You go upstairs. They start sending you for stuff. Listen, go get two chickens, a pound of rice. You know, you're the assistant to the cook. They're from there. You've got to go to this guy's house and pick up money.

Then from there, you got to go to this guy's, I can't go down that corner. And next thing, you know, it's 6 o'clock at night, bro. When you're fucking 10, somebody gives you a $50. and a $20 bonus. What? I would go right to my mother's bar and shingle. Let's go to the Toysmob.

I'm going, no, no, no, no, no. Go home and take a shower and go to sleep. You got to do it again tomorrow, Coxuck. Oh, yeah, I would do it Saturdays and Sundays. How many kids were there like you who would do it? Four, five, Puerto Rican kids in the neighborhood. They just have an army of kids doing all the deliveries and all the runs? Deliveries, go run this 50 bucks to Dononia over there on 104 T Street.

You know what she is? Yeah, take one of the kids with you. And you walk over there and nobody would fuck with you because they know who you work for. Nobody really messed it here because they knew you were running numbers for channel that day. How would they find out? They just knew the neighborhood. They knew that that's a numbers. Listen, the numbers brackets in the 70s were very simple.

You have a bodega. Okay? And in that bodega, it's two guys working. And there's a phone. And there's a couple of sodas in the fucking thing. There's a couple old pancakes there for sale. There's a gallon or two of milk, but they're not really what they are. You go in there's a book of dreams, and you give the guy $3.

Last night I had a dream that my cat ate a snake. There's a thing in there about a cat eating the snake. So it's number 54. Now, you've got to put a number in front of it or a number behind it. What's your lucky number? George, 7, 754. What do you want to do? You know, a straighten box.

All right? And then you give them the number. They write it on a yellow piece of paper that has a pink and a white sheet behind it. The white sheet from the bottom. This is right in the street. This is right on 118 fucking street in 1970. This has to be night. That's pretend 1974.

It would be next to it would be a Chinese restaurant. Next to it would be a tailor. Next to it will be a kid store toy store. And right there in the heart of Harlem, right down 118th Street, would be Charles Bodega. Okay, so Chair would take those numbers. So right away, you waited. You gave the white sheet to the customer.

You took the pink sheet and the yellow sheet went upstairs. They had to make it upstairs by 3 o'clock. So let's say I was assigned to you. That day, all I did was sit with Lee while he wrote those numbers out. And every time you got 20 slips, I ran upstairs with it. If I had over cash, I'd give it to you, you'd run it upstairs. If I need milk, you go get it. If I need for you, because there was no phones, they wouldn't use a phone downstairs.

So you would have to be all day going up and down. But you didn't give a fuck. You were 10. They were treating you like an adult. Yeah, that was awesome back then. People let you see their guns. People letting you answer the phone and write the number. The first time they let me answer the phone, and I said, 832, 10 bucks, 10 bucks straight, my dick got hard.

That's it. I was making the big time. I had a similar experience. My dad worked at Legal Seafoods, and I answered the phone at the mail order department. It's crazy. We had similar ones, but you took numbers at 10 years old?

And you had to run them, and they teach you how to run them, and then who hit the number? Because then you have to break down the numbers. Let's say 5, 3, 4 came out. There's people that are so poor, they'll put three numbers on five, $3 on 5. That $3,000, my member pays you $1850 for this.

day and you're an old lady on social security and you gamble that same five every day i know where you live i don't give a fuck it takes you two minutes to run it over there and keep her happiest you'll give you a dollar tip i would also get tips when i delivered money sometimes 50 cents sometimes 25 cents but i never got mugged i always knew and then some days they just put you on the street go outside just walk around that means look for cars any cars that don't belong there. After two weeks, you'll know what cars belong in that block and what cars don't belong on that block. What would happen if there was a car that didn't belong? Go upstairs and let him know there's a black car with three cops in it. Yeah. All right, who is that?

That could be Henry. Did he have a beard? Yeah, it's Henry. Fuck him. We gave him 500 last Monday. Tell him to go fuck his mother. And then they would send you downstairs to go downstairs and tell the guy at the bodega not to let Henry up today. We gave you five last week And then we gave the chief commander five. What the fuck you want? Get the fuck out of here. Sometimes they were cool and you let them up for a meal. Because a lot of times on Saturdays, the bookies would cook.

A big fucking meal. Neighbor people would come upstairs like they were cool. Couldn't be anybody because there's money. Couldn't be anybody. So the cops would come up for money once in a while. Shake hands. Hey, heat a bowl. We'll see you next Tuesday.

Cool, man. Some of them will place a bet. Wow. Better number. Fucking interesting shit like that. So I wanted them to call in and just, you know, talk about that for a while. Yeah, it's kind of crazy what you see is a guy. And I loved it.

It was legal. In my world, that shit was legal. I walked around with a bad job because they paid the cops. It didn't really matter. What do you mean in your world? It was legal. It was legal. In my world, at that age, that shit was legal, Jack.

Nobody got bothered. Nobody got stabbed. Nobody got addiction. And those guys made tons of money in those days. 20, 30 grand a day, taking dollar numbers. Are you fucking kidding? me. I got picket numbers the day day a day. In fact, you got to find me the New

Jersey picket results for Saturday the 24th of September. Give me the fucking three numbers and the pick four. I guarantee I hit one of those motherfuckers just because I roll like that. New Jersey what? Pick? New Jersey lottery results.

Picket lottery results. See what you get there. I forgot that there was a fucking little Chinese guy close to. to the hotel and he takes numbers he sells rolling papers i bought easywiders and big bamboo to bring back to talk shit what what what the easy water is a little too fucking thick ooh is that like alcohol easy water no it's rolling papers i grew up on easy wider and big bamboo oh no bamboo like chich and shang yeah but then they threw out big bamboo nobody could smoke a big bamboo

joint i used to smoke those tie joints and the 80s and pass out for eight hours what'd you finally saying the pick three yeah eight o'clock pick three pick four what one give me the pick three first for which day september 23rd saturday okay or 24th okay double check 24th okay what do you got so for the pick two you had i don't want the pick two i want the pick three and the pick four sorry pick three and pick four evening or midday give me the evening six two four for the pick three six two four for the pick three You want is to pick four. Ooh, pick four is a good one with 7-8-70. Hold on.

Let's check it out. I get 10%. You get dick. You get nothing. You get fucking. You get a guy's cuck, sucker. You get 10%. I'm knowing how to walk two fucking hours to put this number in.

What fuck you think you're dealing with? I do a lot of respect from my mom. I got to bet one number, all right? So what came out? 6-24? On the evening, yes, sir. And what was the midday? 9-02.

And what was the midday pick for? 0-026. And what was the evening pick for? 7-8-0. All right, let me tell you what I had, this fucking dummy. 209 came out? 9-02. 9-0-2.

I had 219 straight-in-box. 624 came out? Yeah. I had 604 straight-in-box, and I had 517 straight-in-box. that I had mercy 1813 straight in box and 1 813 straight in box I'm a sucker but I still got to go in there out of respect so does that mean you won something yeah I won dick I want nothing I won dick that's what I want oh I thought it was close I thought you know

624 came out I got 604 and fucking 219 was the evening 517 my mom paid my mom played 604 and 517 every fucking day out of life through Brooklyn three different venues five dollars a piece they don't fuck around this sight what are you looking at me like that for a cock sucking how much is the win on that back in those days today if I wouldn't have picked three I'm lucky if I pick him 250 if I bet 50 cents now in those days if I put five dollars on a number I picked $2,500 at five o'clock damn if I put 250 on a number I picked up

1250. Damn. If you bet a dollar on a number, you got $500 cash at 5 o'clock. The government didn't know. Nobody knew. Your wife didn't know. It didn't come out of the paper.

Didn't direct deposit into your fucking checking account. So everybody would bet a dollar in the neighborhood. How many people are in the neighborhood? I know. Now you got people who trust you, who call you every day from fucking Jersey and go, hey, oh, can you bet some numbers in for me? Beautiful.

I got credit. Yeah, let's do it. Give me 604 straight in box, $5.00. Give me $5.17 straight in box, $5.5.5. Give me $4.4.4.5 in box. Give me fucking $8.29. It was really a tremendous business. Then New Jersey Lottery came along and all these pick threes.

Yeah. And that was the end of that. And you can still take numbers. I guarantee you and I today could open up a numbers bank in Harlem and clear $1,50 a week after we pay expenses. What's expenses? brick wall, but the payoffs would be brutal. Yeah. The payoffs in today's fucking criminal enterprise in the Bronx,

the shit would be brutal. But there's still a market because you still have all those old, those people that were there when I were a kid, were now adults. They grew up in it. When you grew up in it, it's completely different. You know, Michael Vic grew up in dog fighting. What that meant that when he went to school some days,

he saw people dog fighting. He saw people kicking a dog, and it was natural to them. I grew up with that. It was natural to me. Are you disappointed that you couldn't do that more as an adult? I'm going to tell you something. I did it when I left after I robbed Michael Jules. And I went to New Jersey and I left New Jersey.

I tried to get my life together and I actually called them and started doing it. Before I went to Colorado, I was, I ran number six. from December to April 25th. And I like doing it the first three months. But at that time, I knew one thing about it, that the bubble was going to break. Let me tell you something. What are you going to do one day?

Yeah, let's say I would have got promoted and I would have started getting $1,000 a week. That's $36,000 of your cash that nobody knows about it. Eventually, I got to get a part-time job to, you know what I'm saying? To cover my fucking rent and all this shit. but what am I going to do at the end of fucking 10 years? I mean, I'm never going to go to jail for this. Not in New York in those days.

You got a ticket. But let's pretend at 28 I quit. Who's going to hire me? You can't put it on the resume. Can I ask you a question, George Perez? Where you've been? Yeah, where you been? What have you been doing?

Mucking around the neighborhood. You know, it's not going to fucking work out for you, my friend. And I was always scared of it. Like, I have enough zeros. in my fucking life at that time. When I was 19, I went to Colorado. I had a nice job over there. I was going to get fucking killed over there eventually.

It didn't take a fucking genius. In Colorado? No, over in New York, where I was going to 1-18th over there. Oh, okay. Because I was starting to get credit from people for weed. They knew I worked for jail. You know, everybody was fucking like hunky-dory. And I saw the beginning of it, and I'm like,

you know, Coke wasn't bursting. out of the seams over there yet. It was just weed and like you know, you want to take an ounce of this chocolate tie and I would sit there and go, oh, if I take that ounce, I'm never coming back. Yeah.

This poor black guy is never going to see my fucking white ass again. You know, there's a part of me that has to say that when I was doing that craziness, I enjoyed it and this little part to me that say I missed

that lifestyle, but I got to tell you something, There's other parts of me that I don't miss none of that shit. It was fun while it lasted, but I couldn't go through that. The only thing I could do today, if all this comedy stopped and podcasting and I had to make a living, I would get a part-time job telemarketing or something like that, and I would happen to start booking NFL, basketball, UFC, and I would do it in a nice big way that I could make myself five, six thousand a week. and that's it

I can pull that off it would take a year to pull that off but it'd be stress as well with the internet just it's tough to get a bookmaking operation fucking especially if you're smart

and out of the game and you change your phone it costs a little extra that's all I have friends that do it for fucking 10 years 20 years it costs a little extra

to change phones move locations you know and then it's like Lee says to me, well, how can you sell drugs? Lee, you get the same people. I trust George. If I trade, George, if I pay him when he wins, and he pays me on time, if I cut him slack from time to time, let him put a big bed in. George ain't going nowhere else. He'd be fucking crazy. The way he gambles, they break his legs somewhere else. So stay with me. I'm not going to break your legs. You've been a customer for 20 years. You get into a bind. We work it out. We make payments until we put it together. And you keep those customously. And next thing you know, you're running, you do this 20 years.

You got the same customers way. And they pay on time. They know the schedule. They know you. You know them. You know their kids. And there you go. Now the people who you pick up during the year, they're fucking cherry.

So back then could there be like one in the neighborhood who he just had an apartment and he didn't do anything else? He was just a neighborhood. I grew up with 15 of those fucking guys. Christ. Then there's guys that have jobs and part of their job is being around another hundred guys every day. So at lunchtime, they go to a bar and everybody knows, that's the guy if you want to place a number, or that's the guy if you want to put a bet in. Yeah, you head leads everywhere.

Well, that's the guy that gives you money if you get into gambling problem, or that's the guy that gets into trouble. That's the guy that gives you money if you get into life trouble. You got to move. You need the deposit. You go over there, you talk to George. What do you need? I need a thousand bucks.

I like you, George. It's going to cost you $1,300. So for 10 weeks, I want you to give me $1.30. Yeah. I could live with that. He took care of me. It's fair. It's fucking fair.

People call the loan sharking. I think it's fair. A bank would do the same to you. Because a bank will charge you. If you do the paperwork, a bank will charge you. Yeah, but Joey, they charge me 10%. Go over there. Did they do the fucking financing fee?

Or submitting the credit app fee or the fucking finger in the ass fee? But the time to get those three fees, you might as well pay George's the money and move on what you're fucking love. You just save three hours of aggravation out of the bank, waiting for the call. the fucking paperwork, your credit radio goes down your credit rating. Motherfuckers.

You're fucked up, aren't you? I'm a little bit higher. Look at you. It's fun. You know why? Because you dick around all week and you do those pussy dosages. No, we did 850?

50. What? 850 milligram? No, you did. I did 2. You did 850 milligram? Yes. I mean that's your question.

When was the last time 850 fucking milligrams is anything for you? Never. Why would you even insult me, number one, and insult yourself? You know 850 don't do dick

Did you see me doing 850 in fucking New York? I had a respect for you I opened up with a thousand And then I did four fucking more like a lunatic I slept like a baby Then Saturday night Saturday night I was eating stars Like they were going on the star

I wasn't bringing those motherfuckers back I kept popping them like fucking yum yum pills There was a bag of fucking 20 I only left five at the house for the flight and I ate those right at the airport with breakfast. You would have been proud of me on an empty stomach.

You had a thousand with breakfast? Like that, on an empty stomach and then I put breakfast over it. I ate five of them right before I walked to security. As I made the turn, my flight was at 7.10. It was 6 o'clock on the dot. What happened?

I had a protein shake. It took me 30 minutes to get from the hotel to get in the airport. I always drink little protein shake and I had a half a bite of a protein ball just to get the sensation away in the morning so I wouldn't get carsick and listen to this George Perez God was on my corner that morning to five and a half hour flight they ain't got enough good food on the fucking plane you know what I walk into an airport but I'm looking for a yum you understand somebody was going to take good care of me alimengto like Spanish people say I don't want to tuna sandwich I don't want a subway sandwich I don't want a rap I got a rap you're going to do it in five hours, bitch. Those peanuts will not hold you. And as I meant to make the turn,

right before my very eyes. There was a Palm restaurant. In the airport? Selling eggs for $21. With little cute potatoes and wheat toast in a fruit cup. I said, take the potatoes, shove them up your ass. Throw me the fucking fruit cup. I went in there, guess what I had in my wallet?

A Palms card, bingo. I have one. I don't think they have one in L.A. anymore. What airline is it for? Oh man, I'm going to fly Delta now somewhere. Damn. Just to go get... I said that motherfucker.

I had this half retail waitress waiter. He didn't know what country he was in. I said, listen, Bob, I don't give a fuck what you're thinking. I'm picking a steak well done with two eggs on his side. And two pieces of wheat toast and a fruit cup. I was sitting there. My leg was tapping. It was like a Mexican magician within minutes.

He came out with a fucking beautiful steak. I ate that motherfucker and ran. to that plane dog. With a protein shake? So you had steak and eggs. I had the protein shake and that all before the steak and eggs. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to be hungry on a plane.

No, no. And that food, sometimes you eat the fruit. Sometimes you eat, I don't want to eat the bun with the fucking butter. That biscuit's terrible. Everything is fucking terrible on that thing. Let me once in a while you catch a break. I'm not going to lie to you. A couple weeks ago I caught a good break with airline food.

Wasn't bad. But besides that, you're always like, Alwyn-Tree. George Perez, what the fuck? I could bring you out here. You were dead mute tonight. What happened? Nothing. You come on here you're singing opera songs and Spanish and you shit. You got the accordion. Now, I'm high as fuck right now.

Good, good, good, good. I'm high and chilling, listening. I'm crazy. I'm not surprised all these good things going on in your life, bro. You're one of the true ones. You know, they used to be a Latino comedy scene and just evaporated. Yeah. If anybody was a part of it, my

my all-time favorite night, Was that those Monday nights? At the sunset room? At the sunset room. Where is that? That's Hacienda Heights. Hades with the Chinese restaurant that don't serve white people. And the fucking donut shop at the Chinese people.

You know, that comedy, that place could be fucking huge. They need two and dollars fixed the stage with a spotlight in the corner. It was Friday, Saturdays, and Monday night work out night. No, you're right. People will come from all over the fucking state. Lopsetails, one of the lobster tails were black on the bottom. They were pre-Katrina. They took those, the lobster tails they had there on Monday night

were lobster tails that got hit with oil. And they're only fucking, and also, they went to the bottom, and they died. Remember all his lobster tails? If you picked them up, they were kind of spooky. You're like, I don't know what Juan is selling me over here. This ain't regular lot. Monday nights is 1495. Why would you order the lobster tail there?

I never ordered the fucking lobster tail. What are you retarded? I just looked at what the guy had next to me, and when he got up, I looked underneath just to see it there. Remember him? He used to have lobster and steak night. Yeah, lobster and steak. Lopsin State night.

Is that Thursdays? We're fucking thinking because he would always do like impromptu shows. Hey, get some guys together. Come on Thursday. Lobster night. The shit we did, Doug. The shit we did in the name of comedy for a couple fucking dollars. It's insane.

It really is. Remember the sandwich spot I had? You like that spot too. Rosco's a fucking sandwich spot. Yeah. A fucking sandwich, bud. And they had comedy there? It would get packed.

Leigh, I got to tell you, it was a good sandwich there. I just had one. He just came to one of my shows, like about six months ago. Yeah, he always hits me up and says, Joey, I like to come and bring guests. Boom, bring me a sandwich, done. Yeah. You want to say, he'll even answer you. You want a sandwich?

Fuck you. Surprise me. Roast beef on top of turkey with salami and fucking a Jew's tongue and fucking feet and lettuce and fucking tomato. You're like, what the fuck is this shit? shit he's got eight ounces of meat on the sandwich or you you got to take everything off and just eat the turkey like a fat buck dog i don't want no roast people turkey are you still on any perils any probation no i've been off of everything i'm trying to get my passport right now because i'm finally off full high control so what do they book what story they tell you

anything uh they're telling me yeah but like you know i don't owe child support but like i still have a little like back pay so they're like they're trying to get money out of me so I think I'm just going to have to, like, give more money. And now, before you pay anything, call again, because California adds interest that you don't have to pay. That's their own interest. Yes. So if they say 60, check, it's $1,400.

Oh, yeah. And you're like, what the fuck? I don't know. Come down here, give me $1,400 will disappear at $60. You're like, okay. So always check that out. But that was a big thing. When I had a couple years ago, somebody hired me in Canada, they called me a week before,

and they go, they won't let you through. And I go, what's the problem? And I go, is it the felonies or child support? And they go, I think it's both. Okay. Because she put whatever on you. Once they put that stupidity on you, you're done. You look like a fucking convicted felony.

Yeah. They just got mine taken off maybe five years ago. Yeah, I got mine taking off right when I got out of prison. Because, like, it's weird. Like, the child support went after me in prison. And I was like, how am I supposed to pay you? I'm in fucking prison. So I had to get out.

I think they just do that. So they make you go and report to them again. Does it accrue when you're in prison? Does it what? Yeah. Yeah. That's how they do it. I don't give a fuck that you're in prison.

That's your problem, Charlie. We want entrance. It's going to cost you every fucking month. Motherfuckers. That's crazy. So, but yeah, I got all that off. I mean, I want to go to Canada, man. It looks so fun.

No, you're in no danger. Yeah, you're in no danger. It won't let you can't get into the head of DUI. So you better fucking. Never. I don't know. You got to petition it. Keith Richards got in.

Snoop Dog gets in. Yeah. There's a loop. You have to go to an attorney and pay an attorney. That's what I'm thinking. When he finds a fucking loophole for you, see, my problem is the warrant in Seattle. So if you have any warrants anywhere, they won't let you in there. Yeah, I mean, because I'm done.

I already paid my debt. I'm off parole. I'll ask. It took me maybe four years after I got off everything to stop being. caught paranoid. What is this? Anytime we saw a copy, just freak out?

I got taken off probation when I was, because I got a reconsideration and they put me in community corrections, which means you're in a work release program, a halfway house, something.

And that was the last sentence, but they lowered the sentence, but they gave me a longer a probation. So they put you like in a men's home. In a men's home. Like, I don't know.

There was women there too and people watch TV and people mingled. It was tremendous. Did you guys have like rules or curfew and all that? Everything. We had furloughs then. Yeah, furloughs. That was before the guy went off the reservation and Boston killed somebody.

The next year they stopped getting like when I got out. They stopped getting froze. I was like, ooh. But it was a scan. them, George, because you walked in there as a trainee for a week or two, you only were allowed out in the daytime to get a job. Then once you got a job and you paid rent and you were caught up with rent, you were up to level two.

Once you complete your therapies and you maintain the job for 90 days, you had put up to level three. Level three wasn't bad. Friday and Saturday, that's 11 o'clock. Oh, and did your man go down as your levels went up? No, 75 hours a week. Then level four, you had to be. spotless you were allowed to drive oh wow midnight on Fridays and Saturdays and one for a

low amount bitches guess who made it to level four moire with nothing but bullshit and charm did you have a car I had a fucking job selling cars so they gave me a demo are you kidding me but I got there February and I was level four by like June nobody could believe it because my attorney said if you get the level four I'll get you out and a re-release and I was I was a level four for like two months living like a doctor and then I figured out that these invicts can't fucking go out unless they pay the rent but they scammed them choice they would make them pay the rent on Thursday everybody knows you get paid on Friday oh wow so they would say if the rent's not paid by seven o'clock on Thursday you can't go out for the weekend you can't see

your family that type of shit So I felt bad for them, but at the same time, Papa needs to get paid. I got a baby on the way. Damn, it's a mess. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Yes. Took some advice from my unprofester, all dressed up in polyester. I said, listen, I'll give you 75 for like 110, 98.

I don't know what I was charging. But you got to give it to me on Friday. George, I was getting 10 guys lining up, and I would give me 75 bucks to pay the rent, and then they would give me interest on Friday. Yeah, just so they can go out on the weekend. out dog they would pay me anything I get them for like 25 bucks a piece

10 dudes every Friday I had that operation that I figured out that I could fucking sell Coke and that since I was level four they wouldn't search me or piss me they never had dogs I can just sign it and walk right through the fucking gate that's exactly what I would do

and I would triple the prices on that shit and cut it for those motherfuckers they would go crazy yeah you're taking a big risk that's a big chance they gotta pay for that I was terrible what rehabilitation but you know what dog they nailed me in there I thought it was cute and they nailed me they took me to court they let me go out and they put me back in for like 90 days they fucking tormented my life though they caught you

oh once they broke me out yeah because four guys came up positive these motherfuckers are tweak and walk around the halfway house shaving it was one dude that was shave for eight hours and the counselor finally said how long can you shave for he was sweating profusely so he would put the shower on and sit in front of the mirror, I may believe it was shaving. They count every hour. Wow.

The guy kept coming and going, I want you shaving. Oh, I like to be thorough. Okay. Five hours later, you're still shaving. You're still sweating profusely. Something's got to be it. And they would walk around at night,

so they pissed a bunch of them. Four people were negative for cocaine positive. They knew something was going on. Somebody's bringing it in. I'm walking in there with a suit. I got jewelry on. I'm eating fucking breakfast out. The food that you pay for,

Like it was $75 rent, but 25 was groceries. Yeah. They'd give you frozen pizzas and coke carts and oatmeal. I would give it away. They go, don't you eat? Fuck, not that shit. So people started getting pissed and somebody fucking ratting me out eventually. And they search me about it.

The day I don't bring nothing on me. Is it that they pulled me over and pulled me in the bathroom to search my balls. And I go, what are you people looking for? Just tell me, I don't know. Well, conjured ban is being smuggled in. A couple people appointed at me. What the fuck? I'm a community council

because by that time I was like a fucking, I represented the third floor, that type of shit. You represented the third floor in all negotiations? Yeah, like whenever there was quarries, people would have to come to me and I'd make them fill out a report. And then like...

How long was this in the person like six months? It took me about three months to get fired. Then after I came up positive twice for cocaine. They call it the house mouse No, I was at the house mouse I was every floor every floor had a They didn't want 20 people down there going dog I didn't get my pizza

Okay Dog I didn't get my fucking this dog How come I'm not getting mailed So they didn't want people coming to the gate So I think they would knock off $5 a week of rent If I took all the grievances It wasn't worth it Georgia was just because if he became the

The whatever floor I had a partner I was in one building I was in one apartment and he was in the other so either one of us always had to be able to be reached so they would come to you like dog I didn't get a pizza this week

what do you want me to tell you you got to fight with the kitchen well I want to file a motherfucking grievance because I pay for groceries and shit and a pizza should be involved in that list of groceries follow the grievance so they just didn't want to deal with it so they would give me this shit that job lasted three months that wasn't worth the $5 a week though

Yeah, I'm like everybody, because it's run by a bunch of other convict as well. It's not going to be rank correct. I've never been in a halfway house. I heard of them, though. I was one in Boulder, Colorado. This is a country club. Oh, yeah. This is a country club.

They had girls on every floor. You know, you're putting girls on every floor with convicts, and they only come up to the floor once an hour. And if you come up to the third floor, again, we pay somebody five bucks. Go by the fucking door. And you're here when they come up to the second floor. And let us know him. We'll knock on the door.

And Johnny will tell him not to stop fucking Patrice. It was a chick that was fucking everybody in the halfway house. Oh, crazy. Her name was Patrice Twining. And you want me to tell you something? She was hot as fuck. Oh. And she was in there.

And the six or seven months I was in there, she definitely slept with 20 dudes. And sucked dirty dicks. She was the real deal. And her boyfriend, her husband was in jail. Like doing, he was like somewhere. He had nine years left. And I'm like, what does he think? He knows I love him that this is just part-time.

She was a fucking animal. What part-time? But that's what you got to do, man. Nobody really knows that life to you. I wasn't involved in that life. Yeah. But when you go in there and you see people, the funny, you were saying something funny before.

You said that you turned your life around. You know, your kids, what about the guys? Take up the pictures of the wall on the kids. Four kids and shit. I got a picture of that wife who could scare bed shit. I mean, this woman could stop bird shit mid-ass, she's in such bad shape. And he'll sit there at night and go, man,

I love my motherfucking kids. You're like, how long have you been in for? 10 years. How long have you left? 18 years. What are you talking about? You didn't think about that before you went to fucking jail

about these four fucking kids? I never understood that. Listen, I could get in trouble. I could get in trouble when I didn't have Jackie and Terry. Trouble was always lurking now. I want my best fucking behavior. Straight up. I want my best fucking behavior.

Yeah. Like now you can just like... I couldn't imagine, George. Yeah. You can just hit anybody now and you're getting busted. I'm glad someone didn't have a cell phone and this shit happened. The way I beat that dude, if they would have gained you way more time. You got quite 18 months later, two years later.

Two years later. After the dude saw you on Showtime. No, it was on MTV. MTV. You couldn't have worse. good luck at the same fucking time. That is fucking crazy. You come up on TV, the guy's sitting there.

He's going to the computer. America's most wanted. There's this, George Perez. That good googly-moly. All of a sudden, some show, your mama comes on. He's like, let me watch it. Oh, shit.

That's the gack of that jump me. Oh, shit. Yeah. But you know what? It was the best day of your life, if you look at it now. I mean, I had to suffer to get where you know I didn't have to suffer I put myself in a spot where I could either go down

or say you know I don't want to come back here again and that's what I did I accepted what I did and I'm fucking I know right from wrong now and I know the consequence from right for wrong because back then I just didn't know the consequence I didn't know like you know I'll get away with this so now I know and I'm going for it 25 years ago we went to a bar and Me and George got into an argument with Lee. Two punches would get thrown, three punches. And then everybody would leave, and maybe George would get mad and come back. But you know what?

Any more guys, you do not know who you're dealing with anymore. Fuck, no. It's not worth the aggravation. You know, you walk into a bar, you see four dudes, and you think they're a little off, and you go and get involved, and you shoot pool, and do drugs at those guys, and flash cash, you're going down. Yeah. You're going down.

You have to assume you're going down. Yeah. Dude, I remember one time we were at a bar in Montebello and I was with this big, tall-ass fool and we went with, do it. We went with girls and he was one of their cousins. And there was another fool in the restroom that's trying to holler at his cousin. And I guess that she said no. And that fo was like, fuck that bitch.

So this guy took it upon himself to punch these dudes in the restroom. He's like 6'5. And his whole neighborhood's in that bar. we got jump so fucking bad. I remember one of my friends, we had to carry that full outside. So, sometimes you just fuck with the wrong person

and it comes. And I'm glad now that we walked away from that shit. I got my ass whooped that. You ever have your ass whip like that? Three or four times. One time in the Union City had the fucking senior prom thing. The senior thing,

when they give up the awards, most likely to drop out, most likely to be a junkie and all that shit we got into a brawl there and I stepped into a piece in glass I got a hit in the head you know if it wasn't for a friend of mine

that's dead now he fucking bastard a guy and then broke ahead I would be fucking dead another time in Colorado on a bar fight that I had nothing to do with that night I threw punches and then six guys jumped me because they didn't know what the fuck was going on

you live and you learn I got by four, I got into a fight in prison where the guy fucking punched me a couple times in the fucking head. Then there was another situation where I got a guy and bounded his ball. And I got him by the hair and I wrapped around both, really couldn't go to no way. No. I caught him

with the laundry basket. He had the laundry basket and I hated this motherfucker. I just caught him in the laundry thing and I fucking banged his head off the thing. Listen man, you learn from everything. I don't have the energy or the age or anything today. Would it be different if I was

30. You know what I'm saying? This is the things we say now because we've been in those situations. It's tough to convince somebody who's 25 when somebody bumps in when you're next to one of your bitches and you bump into me and I got Colossier, whatever the fuck I drink, whatever the fuck they're drinking now, I'm Mumbullo, all right, and you bump into me. I'm with Maria and you bump into me. I got to say something. You know, Lee? No, you did the right thing the other. You did one thing good and you did one thing bad. Okay. The good thing that you did is you walked away.

They didn't touch it. They didn't kiss or they didn't squeeze it. No. The bad thing was that you went anyway. Next time rip up those fucking tickets. You know what I'm saying? Because you're a nice guy. And that type of shit will happen to a guy like you.

Look at that guy that's in the hospital from the giant game. A dodger guy that went to a game. You know what, man? I don't want to be a part of that. I know they're nice. You know what? When I'm sitting with normal people, I want to see white people around me and that thing because that's what the stadium has become.

That's where you have to sit. You can't sit in a dog pound no more. What are you going to wear? If you wear a Dodger shirt, they yell at you. If you wear, you know, look at this thing in Anaheim, the Raider fans, right? Fighting the Raider fans. You need that in your life? Pay all that money and you can't guarantee yourself.

You don't know if you're going to make it to the parking lot because you have a stupid Boston red-type shirt on. Yeah. Oh, they saw your fucking, they saw your stupid fucking keycheon. I'm not saying you have a keychain with you. I'm just saying. I don't, but I did wear Red Sox hat. Well, then you deserve to get your ass kicked. You're lucky you made it out of there.

You know, now I wish they would have kicked in the stomach one time. So you would have said, somebody kicked me in the stomach. I don't know what to do. I would have said, well, what's the situation? I went to get Paul on ice cream and I left with a fucking dodge a hat on. There's always Red Sox heads there. You're lucky. Who gives a fuck what they are there?

You're protecting you and your girlfriend. If you were the guy with me at the game, I don't care what you wear, because the first time you get kicked on the stomach, I'm leaving you there. Especially if you wear, that's what I'd say to you, if you wore a stupid fucking hat, I'd say I'm leaving you there, dog. I'm not an asshole. I cheer for the doctors, but I'm not going to buy a doctor's hat. I didn't say to wear it. Then don't wear nothing. But I have to wear a hat.

Don't know where, like, wear those white people safari hats where they, you know what I'm saying? White people love that shit. It's got to be hot. Yeah, with the flaps. They love it. They want to look weird and fuck And show people that they want to the fuck I'm scourge and whatever the fuck they're going

It was fun though It was cool Did the Dodgers win? They did we actually didn't see them win They went into extra endings Oh, okay We left after nine But it was cool

It was pretty cool to think about like Finn Scully did it for 50 years Yeah 67 67 I think it's 67 Oh wow that's amazing Whatever you

I could be wrong You're probably right. You're from here, right? Yeah. Yeah. But however long he did it for, that's pretty cool. Yeah. And plus, he came from Brooklyn all the way to L.A.,

and he's been the man. I wanted to go to that game. When was the last time you've been to a Dodger game? Didn't you go a long time ago? I went to Felipe. I went to my uncle. I used to go. Yeah, you were telling him about your uncle in the story.

I found the way to do it. Paula has the way. It's great. Yeah, I'm going to take a bus like a fucking mental midget. You can't drive around and walk in a hundred-degree weather. Leave me a long, please. You almost got beat up with a red sacks. I don't have to take advice from you.

You gave me two losers as restaurants. That one restaurant was so bad. It just went out of business. Which one? Skinny Deppy, whatever the fuck it was. That wasn't my fault. It was Spain did. Who told them to make it a bar?

You did. You went in there every day and supported that shit. And then went and watched the fucking Marvel movie and shit. I don't know, I'm having such a great day. I had my turkey bread. What was you eating there? Buffalo Bison burger. They'd buy some burgers.

But here's the thing you couldn't park there, so I couldn't go. That's why they went out of the fucking business. You can't buy it. You're next to that diner. You're next to the Domino's and Starbucks. The last thing I'd eat is in that fucking place. That place next to it, when they got good soup, they got good soup. What is that?

I don't even know what that is. Right next to it. It's been there for 2,000 years. If they get eight customers a day, they're fucking good. Okay. But I went in there one time, and it wasn't bad. I mean, it wasn't fucking tremendous, but the soup. I wouldn't believe in then going wild.

These people know how to make it. It was a red pepper soup. Oh, I love soup. Me too. Shit. I was watching our buddy Jordan has a vlog, and I was just watching it one day. You know the sandwiches you like on Laurel Canyon at that store? Like halfway up the local canyon, there's a little store?

He said there's an Italian restaurant underneath. Have you ever been there? No. No? Okay. What store that has sandwiches? On Little Canyon. You know the ones?

Really good turkey sandwiches? I don't know no place. Okay. We talk about it every time we drive by it. What place on Laurel King? Where? It's pretty much halfway down. Hold on.

On the way to the store. On the way, there's all that supermarket there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right underneath is an Italian place. I heard that. That's why they get the Valley Park and stuff. Yes, I don't know if you don't remember that.

And they say it's really good? Yeah. That's great. I'll stick to my fucking spot up here. It took me 20 years. They got the seafood risotto. They got the seafood pasta with the red sauce. He had the bowl and there.

Did you enjoy the Bolanez? Oh, yeah. Did you enjoy the fucking, the opening dish when they brought you the salami in the pursuit? It was great. So why the fuck would I go down the hill with Jordan Peele and eat that shit? I guarantee there's a by the weight on there. Have you tried the lasagna there yet? Yes.

Is it good? The fucking out of this world. I haven't had lasagna in years. Two bites of steam came out of me as I get right back to my wife. I'm going to lose weight, not to put 82 pounds on. Those plates of lasagna, that should will kill you. Like, if you guys, if you got to lose weight, I'm going to lose weight. the pop what's the name of this dump over here pepperonies what's that place in burbank boulevard

that you go and then get malaria if you eat the salad pinocchio's that fucking dump over there that place is fucking horrific dog fucking horrific i've never been there i've been there twice and both times i wanted to shoot myself if you're in a rush i can't lie to you and you go in there i ain't in a line no but you just get the spaghetti with the fucking meat sauce and run for your life it's not bad it's like going a sparrow what is it called sparrow sparrow and getting the fucking spaghetti it ain't gonna kill you it ain't the

best thing in the world but you know what things are bad I get it you get parmesan cheese and you pour it on there like you're the last man that's gonna eat at that restaurant besides pomperison cheese got no carbohydrates it's nothing but flavor Jack and it fills your shit up people know that's the cheat drug right there

just fucking turn that can over like an animal I love parmesan cheese I'm sure you do second. Speaking of soups, I got Ambondigas at my house. Oh, we should have who made them?

I got them from these old ladies. And it's, you have the meatballs or you have the soup? I got the soup and the meatballs. And they're all in there.

Yeah. And what else is in the soup? Talk to me. It got, um, little colantro, a couple onions, some avocados.

No, no avocado for, but you dope the avocado of that stuff. Yeah. Yeah, you have, no, what I do is I put the avocado

on the tortilla and then I just roll it and I dip it when I eat. Jesus Christ, it's better than you, you, I think you're not eating the primal diet. Come on, Doc. I'm starving.

He's going to eat the avocado. Forget the fucking tortilla. You'd be killing it and shit like fucking Tupac when they got out of prison. It's a double album, you know what I'm saying? Hell, yeah. No, I love that tortilla too much, dog. Dog, I loved when I heard you were on Bert's podcast. And then when I found out you were going to be on fucking Joe's and you told me I even loved it more.

Thanks. You know, Joe wouldn't fucking put you on there unless he saw something. So it's great. man that was great dude uh he he even let me open for him on friday at the ice house packed sold out tremendous i haven't and never seen it that i've never performed there with it that pack that clubs never gave me a night or anything so it was awesome rudy wasn't there in the back oh rudy wasn't there's jumping down in the back i can fill it up like this when i had george lopez i filled it up like this one time

Yeah, it was cool. It was a great show. He killed it, too, man. Like, he killed it. He destroyed that place. Bro, I gotta say something that, first of all, if you know anything about him, he's the ultimate profession. Yeah. He's the ultimate professional.

And once you see little things, you're like, oh, shit. You know, he has always been an ultimate professional. And I thank him every day. Every time I thought, this time I call him, he goes, what's up dog I go you know what just want to say hello I want to say thank you man because what you taught me I saved five years of heartache

he teaches you the right way how to do comedy from traveling there what time to get there how to do it who to say no there was times I go aren't you going to do this radio show fuck no fuck them I'm not getting up at five I would go Jesus you know everybody else does that

he would have his own reason behind it and he believed in it 150% everything he's you know there's times I looked at him and I go this guy's a cold-blooded fuck it's business it's business this is uh you know as things start kicking up for you then you'll notice that things change you know that's the fucking people who come out of the back and you're like what the fuck I did this myself Joe Rogan gives you a hole it's like football that's all Joe Rogan is Joe Rogan is a fucking offensive tackle and he opens up a hole for you and you take that hole

and you do what you want. You can either fucking go to the 20-yard line and get five or six yards or you can score a touchdown. In my world, I took a couple 10-yard fucking recoveries. I fumbled a few times, but eventually I took that hole

and I hit a touchdown with it. I found the niche. Everybody thinks that, you know, for a year, every comic who had been struggling would hit me up, hey, how can I get on that podcast? because they thought it was the Johnny Carson of today. And it really isn't.

Ari didn't get a Comedy Central special and all that stuff because of Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan opens a door for you. You find your niche and you tackle it. And it happens in everyday life. You go to work one day. You're a fucking mechanics helper. I come in one day, the mechanic quit. Guess who's the new mechanic?

And next thing you know, you do transmissions well, right? Boom, you're the transmission fucking guy. I'm going to give you 2250 instead. of fucking $8 an hour and I'll give you a fucking uniform so you don't walk around here like that. It's the same thing with everything. Every time, every once in a while in your life, bro,

somebody blocks for you and puts a hole. What you do with that fucking hole, that's up to you. Joe can't do nothing after that. He opened it for you. That podcast is so strong. So many people hear that podcast. And again, that podcast is better than a movie in my eyes.

I've done movies, and I've gotten better results from that fucking podcast from just going on there and talking the truth. So what do you think I should do? Because, you know, I'm new to this. Well, you've got 2,000 new followers, probably. Yeah. You'll get another 5,000 and 4 days.

As people start downloading it and listening to it. And now is your time. Now is your time to start tweeting and letting the world know who George Perez is. Okay. I'm going to start a podcast, too. Whatever you want to do, I'd rather you start on social media. Okay.

Get your social media going Let these people know Now they want to hear from you They're going to ask you questions Answer their questions Start booking little dates One nights, don't expect much No, I hear you

You know it all starts with 50, 75 100 150 175 You pay more attention to your social media Again, you find the niche I'm not an Instagram guy My brother Mikey helps me with my Instagram But I'm a Twitter and a Facebook guy That's what I'm good with.

Okay. I'm not fucking... Empiroscope. Lincoln, I don't want to see them again, ever again. I got like three more requests. I got one more request from Linkingding. Well, there's a Lincoln. I'm going to sue those.

Because they lie to people. It made people feel special. We're the social network for professionals. Oh, you're right. It's the same punches on Facebook. Now I've got to follow you there. You've got to follow me here. You're going to post pictures of your dog

licking your wife's face and your ugly kids in Bermuda. I don't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? Where are you going to be at? Break it down. I'm going to be at the Brea Improv, Thursday and Friday, September 29th and the 30th. And Thursday is a 10 o'clock show and Friday's a 9.30 show. Where are you at next week and the next couple weeks?

You have a New Year's date yet? No, I don't have a New Year's date. In October, I'm back at the Braya or I'm at the Ontario Improv. I might be going to Dallas in December. What's going on down there? I don't know. like this guy that books Death Squad for me and Red Band. I think we're going to have like San Antonio, Dallas, Phoenix, Vegas, and then San Diego.

So just happy and going with it, you know. I'm proud of you, man. Thank you, man. I'm proud of a lot of these guys I came up with, but you're one of the ones I'm really proud of. I really dig. We always talk once a week. Yeah, and I always love your wisdom, man. You've always been the one.

We always talk. I always call him and check in if I don't see him. If I see him slip and I drop a little line and he knows what I'm talking about. I don't have to tell him. He knows. He knows what we're talking about. He's not dumb, and I appreciate that. I hate when people play dumb with me.

You're one of those dudes that you're going on. Hey, you caught me. What's up? What's up? You know, it's funny because I did all that dumb shit. I did all that shit, dog. I got away with murder, and in some places they knew and they never gave me a spot again.

A lot of fucked up shit I did, dog, you know. And that's why when I pull kids over some time, and listen, man, it's none of my business. I don't give a fuck. I put one of my buddies over. I looked at them at the store like eight months ago, and this dude was doing bumps. I'm like,

wow. Motherfucking noticeable. And I saw him in the next night. I did a bump in there every night after I got off stage. After I got off stage, I get some of that chewy dust. You couldn't stop me in that fucking comedy store. I had Coke going in all those places. I can't believe I still go down there.

I don't even feel it no more when I go down. I'm going to go on nine years without doing Coke. Wow, that's awesome, bro. That's awesome. Can you believe that shit? Nine fucking years, 2007. Damn. When you got off it, that last time,

were you planning on it being forever? Were you just thinking? Nothing was forever in my world, but it just worked out that way. It was at the right time, at the wrong. I'm the type of guy. Let's pretend. Let's pretend you're hooked on fucking milkshakes.

Yes. And you go to fucking. in Florida and you get caught in a fucking hurricane for two weeks and you haven't had a milkshake and you visibly looked at the fucking scale and you lost eight pounds Would you come back would you have a milkshake? You don't even need a milkshake no more now Would you say to yourself I don't need a fucking milkshake? I'm gonna have a milkshake one time. No You're gonna go I'm never gonna have a milkshake again. I got off milkshakes. I'm done I'm moving forward That's what it felt like It wasn't that I did anything. It was like on my way through three weeks. I was like on my way through three weeks

And after three weeks from there, I said, that's it. Yeah, you're good. If I do this, it's by my doing. Because my body's telling me, dog, we're good. We're good. We've had our abuse. We've taken our abuse. Whatever you want to do from here on it is good.

When I sat there every night and go, you know what, I'm going to give it tonight. I'm not going to do it. And I would go, you know what, next Friday I'm going to do it. And all of a sudden, if I got to that Friday, I go, am I crazy? I just got clean another seven days. Why would I do next Friday? Then it got to the holidays. I couldn't believe in New Year's.

that day after new you. And I remember the first time I was sober, I went up to San Francisco with Red Band, Rogan. And I remember thinking, wow, it's been like 45 days. It's crazy. That is. And was it a, like, were you more focused? Like, just being more sober with it?

Like, you could see shit you didn't see when you were on it. The first year after I didn't do coke, I didn't know what I was saying, George. Yeah. My body was getting used to shit at so many different levels. the biggest fear I had was that I wouldn't be funny. That I was going to take it too seriously and maybe get caught up with Jesus.

After 45 days, I got to write. I was like, well, something's going on here. And then MySpace was popular. I would write a blog every Monday. And from that blog, it jogged my memory to... It really... That writing, I credited it to staying sober. That fucking constant.

Give you something to do with it. Every Monday thinking of a story and then leaving and then going, that fucking story wouldn't happen if it wasn't for coke. Because when you think something and you write something, it's two different fucking things. When you tell her a story about you go into jail and you write it down and put it away and then read it tomorrow, you shut that fucking magazine and go,

what the fuck was I thinking that day? When I read the kidnapping one, When I read the fucking one when I robbed Mundy and all those things, I would read them two days later and go, first off, I can't believe I told everybody on MySpace. And second of all, I can't believe I did that. Like, I don't know who that guy is. It's like I was writing a book about somebody else. And you got a big response from it as well, right? Absolutely.

Absolutely. At the same time, I worked on my writing thing. If you commit to a right once a week, within six months on Facebook, you'll have people reading your blog on Mondays and subscribing. And after a year and a half, you can have ads on there and people click. But whatever they're going to use anyway, whether it's Amazon, Amazon. You can make a little living off your podcast off your blog. And it's very interesting.

Like, I'm thinking of doing it again. Like, I should have been doing it for the special. But you know what, man? There's so much shit on your plate on a daily. basis that if you're really hot, like right now, I've never been this, I'm busy. Like, I've never been this busy, you know, writing a pilot, writing a special, I'm shooting October 15th. I've never had to, if I would have had this special 10 years ago, you know what I'd be doing right

now? Telling Lee, I'm gonna crush it. Not really, I'm not that type of person. I'd be telling Lee I was prepared and I go up daily and do five minutes and improvise the rest. and I wouldn't care where I ended. I can't do this this time. It's weird when things get presented to you at the point of your life where you're at.

If I would have got this 10 years ago, I would have snorted that fucking down payment. Shit. Like I did Paiaso. Piyaso was a joke to me. First of all, I didn't think it was going to get picked up. You killed it, though. But I killed it.

If you watch it now, I didn't kill it. I was just a fucking dude dying up there telling knock my jokes. To those fucking Sabbaths. that were in the audience. I don't know what. I didn't even get laughs. They had to put tape in there and shit.

I hit those people too hard. They weren't ready for that shit. Even those people laughed. Montoya and his partner were in the back on. Some of those people were petrified. I didn't give a fuck. You know what I gave a fuck about? Was that cash?

And driving back to remember, I didn't stay that night. Yeah, I remember. You're like, I'm out of here. Where's my check? I taped, got in that car, and I already had the eight ball waiting for me on hold till the next day I was in a paint. Because I had to give my wife to check to cash it, and she was already going to give me $500.

The eight ball would be paid for. Damn. I gave my room key to David. Yeah. I didn't stay. I taped. It was Thanksgiving week, the Friday after Thanksgiving. 2008?

No, no, no. No, it's 2006. I got locked up that year. Wow. So we taped that November of 2006. Yeah. And I got locked up the day after Felipe's birthday. Because we were at the sunset room for his birthday on Monday.

then I went to court Tuesday. That's when I got locked up. I think it's June 16th. And now you're in jail watching Paiasso comedy slam with the Invix and they're going, that ain't you fool? Yeah. Yeah. It's very wild.

You know, brother, it's been an interesting ride for the both of us. I'm very happy that we're still doing our thing. We're not in trouble. We overcame whatever ghost was wanting us to put us in those, Dickaments and here we are brother. It's a new life. So thank you. Thank you for coming on the show. Thank you brother. Thank you. I'm gonna be at the ice house Wednesday night. Ten dollar show. It's still no expectations. I got a solid 40. I need to come up with another 20 so I'm gonna work some shit on you savages and then I'm at the

Columbus motherfucking funny bone October 6 through the ninth or something like that. It's that week. All right just check it out get tickets whatever fuck you need to do. You know I love Columbus. I'm excited about going playing tickets are a nightmare to fucking get there it's a nightmare no direct flights coming back it's a fucking nightmare it's a nightmare on the street like all mooney's but that ain't stopping me cock suckers number one i want to thank our sponsor for the show the one and only the most powerful supplement out there on it my people had one of those fucking shakes today i was gone and i wanted to put all that protein back in my system so this morning i had my little fruit smoothie and about 10 o'clock before I took mercy to the park I blasted

it to fucking nice little chocolate with water and you know what it kept me alive till I ate with Lee over at the Mexican joint because I had a good potato tacos yeah good potato tacos and my wife made a little pot roast I didn't eat the noodles I just need the beef with a couple potatoes and now I'm here with you motherfuckers but anyway back to honor dot com the milkshakes the strong bone, the shroom tech sport, you know, the alpha brain, which I take the powder every time I fly when I get home, and before I get on the fucking plane, so I don't get my jet lag.

Listen, anything I take from them is solid as fucking gold. Do you want me to sit here and tell you what's in those things? I can't do that. I'm not going to lie to you, but do me a favor. Go to audit.com right now. Go to Honet. Look at the great list of supplements. Look what they got in him.

Look at the testimonials. Look at the videos. Look at the supplements. Look at the weights they have and all the workout stuff And you take your pick as far as weights are concerned I can't help you supplements I get you 10% off Go read you find something you like go to the box and press in church C-H UR-C-H and I'm gonna give you 10% off all right

That's how the fuck I wrote I just got my new tell me what we got in the mail Tushies We got the Tushies so we're gonna hook them up this week And let you motherfuckers know what's cracker-lacking Lee's gonna have a full report for you. It's been 100 degrees. I need it so bad.

Yeah, your asses all dirty and fungi and shit. That's how the bacteria sits around your ringworm. This is the ultimate test. This is it. If the touch you can withstand this. But you gotta get it for you, because you're a disgusting animal. You eat that lizard. You got to get a toothbrush.

Okay. And as the water hits your asshole, toothbrush your asshole. You want to shine it up for porn. Should I go like Sonic care level or just like the regular brush? No, no, you'll break it with that fucking. hemorrhoids you're growing down there. All you hear is and you'll electrocute yourself. And then I got to call your mom

and the insurance people on a Jewel. To try to soup or tuffie or whatever the fuck of it is and whatever. Just get yourself a plane, the oral bee. Right. Okay. Like for a six-year-olds, you don't scrape up your asshole too bad and start with that.

Can it be the one that has a song that plays? No, no. Listen, don't get cute with your uncle Joey. You want to clean that muffler? I can't imagine what you got in there. Oh, I don't want to know anything. wait for a week just do like a cleanse like banana juice with pineapples and fucking whatever. You see what happens with that

when I do that? You get skinny. You look good. Yeah but I get you say I'm going to pass out. That's okay. I rather you pass out than carry eight pounds that goat shit you eat. You know, carnitas here, fucking tacos there. You don't know these people. You eat their fucking meat.

You don't know these people. You're eating that shit and the next thing you know that shit sits in your bowels. You know you have a pound of meat, dead meat, sitting in your Taco Bell and all that shit. It came out when you did the cleanse the first time. But now it just sits there. Me too.

I got the same meat in my nutsack there. That steak I ate at a fucking hospital or the hotel or the airport. That's sitting in my gut. That's why I ate that fruit smoothie twice because I'm trying to get all that dead horse meat out of there. The orange cream was good. The orange cream?

Yeah, it was tremendous. They took good care of you. I love your cocksucker. I'm just looking out for this shit. You didn't do kettlebells until you're slipping. No, I'll do them tomorrow. Dave, call you back? No, I'm going to have to call him today.

I haven't called them. You didn't call them either. This is what I'm saying. Yeah. I call him every day until he gets a gym open. Yeah, fuck around. This is what we teach you. Call him every day until he calls you back.

George Perez, hope. Good luck on Thursday and Friday. Thank you. If you tweeted, I'll be tweeted for you. We'll be back Thursday afternoon, cock suckers. I love you guys. Have a great week. That's all we got for you.

Stay black. This show was brought to you by on it. Go to Onit.com and use code word church, C-H-U-R-C-H, to get 10% off all of their amazing optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shrm-T-E-M-T-Mune, and Shrumb-T-T-Sport. That's codeword church at On-It.com, O-N-N-I-T-com, CodeWord Church.