The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #418 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 4, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Rosh Hashanah, key crossroads in their lives, and steak and eggs at Joey's favorite, Original Joe's.  This podcast is brought to you by: MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.    Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Recorded live on 10/03/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by MVMT watches. Go to mvMtwatches.com slash church right now and check out their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMtwashes.com slash church and you're going to get 15% off of your order and they're going to give you free shipping and you won't need it but free returns. So go to mvmtwatches.com slash church right now. Show is also brought to you by Blue Apron. For less than $10 a meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with the preportioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. I've been doing it for a couple months now.

I love it. It's very easy. When you go, what we're offering you right now is check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to Blue Apron.com slash Joey. That's Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Anit.com and use code word church to save 10% on all their amazing optimization products like AlfaBrain, New Mood, Shuntun Tech, Sport. Happy Rosh Hashanah, motherfuckers.

To all the Jews in the struggle. And if you ain't a Jew, it's a good time to become one. October 3rd, Monday. Uncle Joey, Lee Syatt, old school, opening up the month. Motherfuckers, get up. A little Jewish now to anthem for you. What? This is what black people are black people.

Listen to this fucking funk right here. Two Jews wrote this, but the OJs put the flavor on it. Here we go. Oh shit, Lysayat. It's going to be one of those nights. Let's do it. What's up, my little brother? Oh, my God.

That always gets me pumped up. I love that song. That's a great fucking song. beautiful motherfucking people. Welcome to the church of what's happened. Now Uncle Joey here with my main motherfucker Lysayat. It's juice season in full

fucking effect. And then Rosh Hashanah turned into hangover. What is it? Yum Kippur. This was my least favorite time of year. I hated it. It's the worst. Oh, yeah. You lived through the traditions and stuff? The apple, the honey, the whole thing. That's not bad. The apple and the honey is delicious, by the way. If you haven't tried apple and honey, it's amazing.

The problem is I was the kind of, like, I wasn't like Ari. I barely went to temple. And temple on these days are fucking long. And everyone, it's the fake, it's the fake time of year because no one goes. The temple I go to is reform. It's like, you know how there's Catholic and Protestant and stuff? There's different levels of Judaism and I'm reform.

And they bring guitars out. It's pretty, it's kind of weird. But everyone comes during that time and they're all shaking hands and pretending like they really care about it. So I used to get on my nerves. And then it was just like four hours. hours longer a day. And I know for a lot of Jews, that's almost nothing. But for me, that's, I didn't like that at all. A lot of people don't like that. I like church minimally. When I go to church, for me, it's an hour type thing. Right. After that, I just, it just doesn't work for me. And that's

fine. That's fine. That's fine. You know, and I learned that when I was going to Catholic school. I asked somebody once, even at a young age, I don't mind the fucking hour once. Forty-five minutes. I could sit there and drift. You know, I'm an only child. I could mind fuck myself. For an hour, yeah. Yeah, but those long ones, like you go at 10 and you ain't going to go home till one during the afternoon. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't do that. I love God and all that shit and the higher power and who was ever out there, but I ain't got fucking three hours. And I mean, did they do it in Latin for you? Because for me, it's in Hebrew, most of it, so that was killer. When I was a kid, I started out by going, my mom used to do a lot

of masses for my dad. There was a church on like four. 40th Street and it was like a, he was a beautiful fucking priest, you know, I still remember what he looked like. And I think my mom had a crush on this motherfucker. And we go down there like once every two weeks. Okay. On like a Wednesday or two. And she would bring him a bottle of scotch and give him like 50 bucks.

And those days, 50 bucks was like 200. Yeah. And he would do like on a mask for just me and my mom. And he would put like a casket out in the middle of my mom. would tell me my dad was in there and I would just sit and pray and I could deal with that. She always tried to work me into that system. Did that freak you out? That would freak me out as a kid.

Listen, man, they didn't know what, you know, when you're three and your parents stopped coming home. Right. That freaks you out more. True. You know, that frees you out. And I didn't know about this till years ago that I had a problem. You know, you don't know. That's why I don't say goodbye to people, you know.

That's, I like to disappear. You know, just it's not good. It's not healthy. You got to give people a hug and all that shit. So it really cut deep. So at those early years, my mom was just trying to work with me. Right. To give me peace.

Okay. She was trying her artist just to give me peace. But then somewhere around there, she started taking me the Sunday Mass. And my mom had the same problem. That after the handshake and the cookie and the thing, that's it. And if it gets too long to that part, that's fine. too. You know, it gets hot in there. Whatever. It just, it was never for me. There was one, and it's weird. I don't know much about it. It's not, this religion isn't weird. I spent,

when I lived in Israel, there's a place that I went called the Baha'i gardens. They have places around. I don't know if you've ever heard of the religion Baha'i. No, I haven't. It's pretty interesting. I'm not too knowledgeable on it, but it's like they take a mixture of everything, but the thing that always attracted me to it was like there weren't like prayer me like you would just go and pray by yourself there wasn't like there wasn't like something that you had to say and i could be wrong on this but when i when i heard it like that was my biggest problem with judaism is like to me it just felt like people were like robotically saying prayers that like especially in my temple had no idea what they meant because no one there actually

spoke hebrew well the prayer is whatever it means to you right yeah that's what i've always interpreted a prayer to be. And I was beating the head with the Catholic school thing. And even at an early age, I didn't buy into a lot of the fucking things, you know, but I made my own correlation in my own mind that, you know, I never could understand how murder and not going to church on Sunday were mortal sins. When I was growing up, that was the word on the street. Fuck you.

That was the same thing. That doesn't work for me. Those are the problems I had were religion. Right. You know, those are little problems that have religion. I still enjoy it. I still like to, like you, I like to learn about different religions, just the topical. Yeah.

Part of them just to see, like, wow. Like, yeah, and then I watch something about acupuncture. Some Chinese guy fucking saw a rooster or a pigeon, and he started sticking needles, but he's the first guy to do a heart transplant. Yeah, very interesting shit, but he involved religion with acupuncture at that time. Then he evolved into something else, you know what I'm saying? And it's weird because I was a little sick last week. I was a little fucked up last week. Now, for the last nine years,

I've been going to Dr. Amy on a consistent level. Yeah, every Tuesday. And she does certain things to me, but blah, blah, blah, blah, that work for me. Either slow me down, give me more energy, build my chi, which is basically your immune system is your cheat. That's it. That's what it basically is in our language.

Right. And your immune system is your internal protection. and that covers everything with Tai Chi with acupuncture it covers muscles it covers lung capacity your heart your intestines it covers your adrenal it covers your your just your vital functions right it covers everything and I was feeling shitty and I know just by going down and talking to Dr. Amy she's so dippy and shit that I got a kick out of it and she put the needles in my back and my backache disappeared right away But then it's centralized to where the pain was, which is my kidneys.

And then the next day I got up and whatever was in my back transformed into fucking whatever energy was doing that to me, transformed into that shit, vertigo. So I had vertigo from Thursday to Sunday. When I was laying down last night, when I was laying down last night. And when I turned real quick, I would have it. The first night I had it so bad guys that I got up to pee. At three in the morning, I went to bed at tent, and at three, I had a pee. And as I was walking to the bathroom, I had to hold onto the wall. That's how bad it was.

But now it's normal. She called, while I was about to get on stage at Oddfest, Odfest. And I told I gave a call today, but today was a Jewish holiday. And I was tired. I couldn't fall asleep last night. But I had a great weekend with those guys, with Tom Segoor and Sebastian. And like I said, I don't go out of my comfort zone. I don't like being a part of those things,

but it was a good experience. It humbled me a little, but I ate some dog shit. You know, they were very easy. There was not one complaint on my end. Like the show started on time. I went over in Irvine a little bit because I've been working on an hour and all of a sudden now I had to cut it to 15 fucking minutes on the dolly.

That's weird because we've been working on bits. And now I couldn't go into a bit because I didn't know where the bit would end. So it was kind of difficult. I got it a little better Saturday, and then Sunday I got real loose in Phoenix. Then I went over the crowd with my magnetic personality, not really. But it didn't fucking matter.

I still had a good time. I learned something, you know, what people don't understand is that to simplify life, and I didn't know this about life, and this is what takes the pressure off of life, it really does. I did this when I was about 30, I started doing this.

Okay. And that's when my life started coming together in little pieces. And I centralized everything as a lesson. Every time I went out at night to do comedy, I would go, wow. Tonight I'm going to figure out what I learned tonight. Even if it was just don't park by the door, I learned something. And I would write it down. I used to have a stupid notebook for comedy.

The last page, I would write down what I learned that I'd write the date from doing a show, whether it was how to slow down the comedy. Like, Ali Wong fucking destroyed that odd ball fast. She followed me. She just took it to a different level on one subject on her baby from beginning to where she was now, you know? And I learned that that's possible. That's something that I've always wanted to do. She just made it funny.

She just wrote one bit for 15 minutes. Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, on the same subject. That's brilliance in my fucking world. Ali Wong is winning me over. every time I see this girl get on stage, she wins me over more. Yeah, her special is great. I haven't seen her live yet. I have, you haven't seen it live?

I don't think so. When you see it, see, I learned what you take away from a special in live. Like, I like her at the store because I like the person in front of her to destroy and then watch her go up there and change the energy in the room, like acupuncture. She flips the fucking energy on you. Really? She slows them down. You have to listen to what she's saying, and she takes you out of your game.

Once you bend over, boom, you're all. balance you're gonna laugh she's fucking brilliant in a little way so you learn something at every age you learned something i noticed you asked you asked me that not that often but i noticed in austin you asked one of the comics later that what did you learn and i was like oh like that's not something you expect to hear and like a green room like what did you learn tonight not from me what did you fucking learn did you learn to wait and give the audience uh tell the waitresses to thank the waitresses Did you learn to how to step back and take a drink of water without being very shy? You know, for years, I went up there and I would fucking be like Biafran.

Like I was ready to pass out because I wouldn't drink water. Oh, really? Yeah, and I died. You know, you're fucking burning caligaries. You're thinking. You're burning energy. Why wouldn't you drink water? Like, you were afraid.

Because I was embarrassed to walk away and drink water. And you don't understand that in little ways that gives you control. That slows down the show. That retains the guard. That goes back to zero in certain ways in your mind. I've heard other other comics talk about Like young comics are afraid of silence So is that like is that what like

You like you want everything to be filled out? Listen You know When I go to Jiu-Jitsu For example I see people getting on their back And doing all these magnificent things off their back And you're like

Why would I want to be on my fucking back? Right Because you have control In a lot of ways You're that confident of your abilities You know when you hear silence You're that confident about your abilities.

That you can get them laughing. You could get them laughing. You want them to get centered again? You know, I would go up there the first eight years of comedy. You thought, like, I would do an hour in 10 minutes. And you go, Joey, I didn't understand one fucking thing you said because you were racing through it. You didn't give me pauses.

You didn't give me a, you know what I'm saying? And then you watch other guys. Like, I watched Rodney and I figured out one day that whenever Rodney would give you a signal to laugh, he would touch his tie. So people have signals. He controlled you with his hands. It's a very weird thing to see if you watch any of Rodney's, like a young comedian special,

turn it on, turn on a Rodney thing and we'll fucking analyze it. But you should always go home at night at the end of your day and say, so what did I learn today? So today I fucking wired something. You know what I'm saying? Like today, like you wire something, right?

Like you come here with an electrician or with Kevin and you wire those cameras and the fucking monitors. But you learn how to do a fucking set. with pipes. Like a saddle is a thing that electricians do. That I used to, once I learned, listen, when I learned how to do a saddle, when I was an electrician, a commercial electrician, I was set. I thought that was the best thing in the world. Because you have to bend pipe. Okay.

And there's this machine and a thing in the bottom and you have to measure it and it tells you what type of bend you have to give it. So I practiced this for hours. During my lunchtime, when I was an electrician, I would practice bending pipe. all the pipe that they had cut and that was wasted, I would try to practice it until I got so good that I could do a fucking saddle. It drove me crazy. How long did it take? Two weeks.

Of fucking two hours of practice every day and the boss yelling at me. Joey, what the fuck? I had to do that. I was terrible at opening wine bottles as a server. So my manager made me come in and open the service bars wine for like a week straight. And now I can still.

Like it's not as hard as that, but it's kind of cool, like, practicing a talent. Nobody's fucking, listen, unless you drink wine every day, you don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. Every time I open a bottle of wine, the court goes in the bottle, I'm drinking shit with fucking stubs in it. So let's see what he did. Like, you were watching No Respect? Yeah, let's watch No Respect. Just that was the control.

He had a lot of comics. And you get that? You know, I got that control when I started, when I started. when I started doing storytelling. That was the first time I got it. So it was nine years into my career that I got on stage and told the story one night. It was forced to tell a story.

Nine years. For nine years, I rushed through my material. Yeah, there was moments of, I would stop and take a pause, but for nine years, I would rush through my material. And then one night I did a fucking, a storyteller show up in the main room, in the belly room.

And I enjoyed that sound. I got it. It took me nine years to understand. So I'm no fucking genius. I'm just telling you this now that it's a control thing. You feel better. It's a confidence thing that you could go take them to that low point and not, you know, young comics or frail there.

I frail. When I get on my back, that's when I start stressing out. And that's when you start going out of your game. And voila, you have a bad set or bad anything. It's amazing how much. much storytelling has grown. I just saw the trailer for Ari's the new season. Whoever, whoever made that trailer didn't animate, like, it looks like a great fucking season.

Like, just the people they have on it, the story sound excited. It looks really cool. Like, it's just, it's awesome. You know, a story is a fucking story. Adding color to the thing, that's the whole btois of it. Put this on. Let's see what you got there. Fast forward to him on states. To the other. I mean, I'm not a sexy guy. every time I go to a health spa where I get sympathetic looks from guys with big dicks.

Well, this morning when I put on my underwear, I can hear the food loom guys giggling. You kidding. A cop arrest me for flashing, took me the small claims cord. You kidding? When a girl saw me naked, she asked me if there was a finder's fee. Oh, I had sex with one girl. She broke her birth control pill in half, you know. Forget about it.

We'll tell the whole story. We are. I remember, I said to her, let's go for the home. nine yards. She said, let's be accurate. We'll go three inch and a half. That's sexy. You kid. I was with a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. I'm done you with that. You know when you're not sexy, you're all right. I went to a nude beach. They told me to park in a handicap section. I found out in Chinese, my name means come quick. When I was 10 years old, they gave me the bad news. I had smallcocks.

My wife, she didn't help either. I asked her to shorten my pants. Took in the crotch. I tell you, I figured out I'm bisexual I have sex twice a year A lot of guys They don't make sense Either reading a paper A man attacks a woman 60 years old It's the same penalty attack a girl 20

Just a passing thought Nothing serious Turn this off Yeah this is when he was older See he touches his tie Maybe four times And that gives him control It tells the audience

When and when not to laugh He would touch his tie And touch his nose Wow. Which is really fucking a bizarre thing. He would do it during the punchlines and then through the years people just went. But I mean, that's fucking hysterical. Like, already I love it.

You know, it's crazy that I was even part of this oddball festival because it made me realize the work I had put in to get there. That you never think about before. At any time of my, any night when I'm out doing comedy and I'm getting in, I'm driving, I'm thinking about other things. Well, I was at the oddball festival. festival and I'm watching Jeff Ross on stage and Tom Segura was fucking hilarious. He really was. Eliza, I watched Eliza because there was two parts to it.

We were the preliminary card. And there's the main card. Okay. So like I never got to watch the main card. It was Dane, Sebastian, Jim Jeffries, Nick Swanson, Nick Swanson, who was great. As soon as I saw him, I sparked up a joint. He's like, Joe, you can't do this to me. He had the cocktail in his hand.

So for a guy like me I never got out of my fucking comfort zone You know like that's It was kind of nice The fucking airports Three airports in three days That sucks dick Yeah but you had a good

You had just the West Coast one Is way better than having To go like all over the south Like it would be fun But if you had to go to like Long trips You had like luckily Had like a shorter trip

San Jose has become One of my favorite fucking weekends Really? It's a three block walk For three days I would I walk nine blocks. I'm in heaven.

To what restaurant is it again? McCormick and Schmitz for the happy hour. I dropped 19 and I ate like three things and they're all diet free. I don't touch the bread. I had the salad. I had the fucking muscles. I'm surprised you don't even just stay at original Joe's. What do you like, why do you?

And then me and Segurro went to original Joe's like Gavones after the show. And we had fucking steak and a little cider pasta. We didn't touch the bread. I drank water. And I had a little bit of coffee. And I went home and fucking slept like a baby And then you get up in the morning and you go to the airport and there's original shows right there and you get the steak and eggs again And shit with the wheat toast no potatoes

This was a question I had for you because Paula doesn't like medium rare steaks I love medium rare steaks But when I was telling her about your steak and eggs She was like do you do medium rare because it like it gets not bloody but there's stuff like would you do like well done? I never never had steak and eggs A steak and egg When you cut it after the fucking eggs yeah and you the eggs are fried and then you have the toast if you take that steak and open it up like cut it a little bit yeah uh cook it cut like a lot of people don't do that they give you the steak

i like the before before you give me the steak cut it and brown the sides a little bit and that grease you put it on the toast you know what i'm saying yeah you can eat your steak however the fuck you want it's still steak and eggs whether it's medium rare well done okay if it's a good steak it's a good fucking steak how do i know it's a good steak i don't know a butcher i don't know nothing But when I'm eating it, I'm like, this is pretty fucking good, you know? I went to Denny's a week or so ago to get breakfast, and this guy next to me got the steak and shrimp and sent the steak back. Sure, he did.

And those shrimp are those fucking Katrina, shrimp and shit, sure. You can't go to Denny's and have the steak. I'm like, because they're going to give you some of these ties, Melklin. That's what you get. The Denny's. You're getting worse than the fucking shit that the shit. I was addicted to in high school, the Steakums.

Oh, it's even worse than that, you think? Yeah, it has to be. I never shit blood from Steakums. At least I never got sick from steak. If it did anything, it was build my fucking resistance. You shit blood from the Denny's steak? I would never eat a Denny's fucking steak. You know, you got to be on a different level to go into Denny's and get the steak and go, I've made it.

I shipped blood from a Denny's cheeseburger once. I know you did. My first day in a job, I was working at Sunset and Gower down by that crazy Denny's. And I went there right before. And like my first night I had to keep running back and forth because I was like, it didn't stop. Listen, man, I was very proud of Denny's because when the economy collapsed a couple years ago, Denny's revamped really quick. And I showed me that they were trying as a corporation, you know, to be America, you know,

for the family. Listen, man, not everybody in America could go to Ruth Chris three nights a week. Not everybody in America could go to fucking lemonade on fucking, you know, and drop 21 for fucking lunch. Why do you think I sent you the receipt of the two Cuban steak sandwiches with the milkshake and the two diet sodas, $21? We think I sent you that receipt for. To show you that that adds to my liking for something. Oh, yeah.

That adds to the overall that you care about the consumer. You know, I told Lee, I went to the airport yesterday. The plane got delayed. I get chicken terriaki. The fucking salad was horrible. The chicken was grayed below fucking pigeon. They gave you a half a cup of rice. And when he looked at me, she said, $27 with a drink.

I almost died. I'm going to just left it, to be honest. You just insulted me. You just insulted me completely. I like a place that gives me a good product, and I give them the money they deserve. And we're fucking, I'll go there for the rest of my fucking life. That's part of the fucking food.

To me, that's part of the food. If there's two plates, it's like when I, you go to Miami, when Nick the tour went to Miami, and he called me, goes, I went to Gloria Stephon's place. $200, the food was shitty. I sent them to pour the saguar. you drop 40 and you go wow it's not even about the price but if I get this for 40 I'll come here four days in a row with me I understand that so when Denny's tried to do the 246 8

menu remember a couple of years ago they still have it oh yeah I was so happy so I had to meet somebody one day and they recommended Denny's and I said you know what I'm gonna go on there with an open mind no matter what people say and I went to that same one where you got sick and I had a cheeseburger and nothing happened. I'm like, wow, Denny's apt up their game. And then one night, you, me, Steve Simone, DiAgostino, we're at the ha-ha, and we went to Denny's. Right.

And we all ate. DiAgostino's girlfriend. Somebody was there. There was a girl there. And we ate. We got home about one. I wasn't home an hour, and I'm shitting blood from the cheeseburger. Yeah, you had like a milkshake.

And then the second time I had a milkshake, and I got sick from the milkshake. Oh, no. I got sick from the fucking milkshake. I go, that's it. No more Denny's. And if you go in there and you see the fucking eggs and the bacon, you go like, eh, this bacon is Fugazi. It's thin. It's got a weird wang to it.

I'm done. It was right after you talked about the butter melting into the bread. Yeah. And Denny's must have, like, a swimming pool of butter. Well, they have the tub with the fucking salmonella growing in the butter with a paint thing. And they just butter your toast. It was like, yellow. It was like.

Yeah, out of the toasted. See, listen, avoid Dennis. avoid Denny's you know what I'm saying Keep Denny's still like Didn't you go get a salad in there one time I tried to crazy Yeah are you fucking crazy

I was busy I was like I'll just go pick up a salad That's not even on the fucking agenda You got a salad one night And a dingy as bar A person could get a salad It was good salad Would you stop

It was good Would you stop You get the worst fucking salads At the worst places Eat something simple You got a salad These people don't want to eat a salad They're drunk

They're drunk And you want to get a salad These people are drunk. They haven't had a healthy day in their life. They've been smoking cigarettes. I tried the sliders and the sliders weren't good. Well, what does that tell you? Then you're going to get the fucking salad?

Yeah. I saw those sliders. I got a Cesar salad. You can't mess up a Cesar salad. Here they can. Here they can. Give the Caesar salad breather. Just because Caesar salad's on the menu,

you don't mean you got to fucking get it. You can expand your fucking Horizons league. This guy will get a Caesar salad at fucking Denny's. Yeah. With that fucking. With that fucking petrified chicken. Those are the chickens that got beat up in the cages? No, I don't get chicken on my Caesar salad.

What do you get there? Just the straight up with the fucking salad. I don't like fucking, I don't like meat on my salad. It's weird. Anyway, what are you going to give me on Denny's for? You don't get me you're fucking upset. I'm sorry? Last night I was watching, I couldn't fucking sleep.

I had insomnia. And the weirdest thing fucking happened. There's a show that's been on. And I just never gave it on the eyeball. Okay. Because I didn't know what it was about. I thought it was about something fucking stupid that I didn't want to lie.

him whatever and it was Ozzy Osbourne and his kid have you seen that show you know on Discovery or is it like the who the fuck knows one from like 10 years ago no no no no no no no it's him and the boy now his son now and I guess they go to different places somebody hit me up on Twitter and said he was in Cuba so last night it's two in the fucking morning I got insomnia I'm a little stone I'm laying there I got the fucking vertigo and I go well let me watch this show for a little while and I'm watching this and they're at Memphis and they go to a guitar player's house and they're talking to him about playing the guitars and blah blah blah and then they

bring up robert johnson if he really sold his soul to the devil there's an old story crossroads every clapping this they even made a movie about it about a ralph machio but a guitar player that goes down to the railroad crossroads and he sells his soul to the devil to be the best guitar playing the world then they wrote songs about it you know they they the devil the night the devil showed up in Georgia, whatever. You know, they just fed the fucking thing. And then Jimmy Page with his satanic fucking home. And, you know, he lived in Alex de Crowley's house. So it all played out. And then over the years of music, you know, they said the Led Zeppelin Curse. And they had Eric Clapton, who supposedly was one of those Robert Johnson disciples that also, the story's going forever to fuel it.

We don't have enough time to even talk about all this shit and cover it. Because I'm not even up to par with it. We'll have to get Dean Delray in here and see if he knows all about this. They sold their souls. Is that what they sold their soul for rock and all? Well, that added fuel to the flame in 75 or 3 when that album came out. Or 75. I really don't know.

I'm just saying that this started. There's a lot of legendary stuff to it. But they asked him about it. And he goes, listen, this is what happened. Robert went on like a tour. And when he came back, he was really good. Okay. Like, it's like if I disappear for six months and do comedy every night.

Jesus Christ, when I get back, you're going to see a vast fucking improvement, you know? Right. So the guy goes, that's what happens. So the people added voodoo to it and all this shit. And then, you know, there's segments of it when they're interviewing somebody, and there's segments of it when Ozzy is just talking to his son. And then they said to him, so what do you think? You know, he asked him what his crossroads were.

And it was very interesting because, you know, you'd expect Ozzy to make some fucking stupid statement. And Ozzy said it was the time his father gave him a microphone and an amp and a guitar or some shit. That was really the crossroads of his life. You know, that's what really, if he thinks about it to the simplest, to the common denominator, to the square root, as we like to say, that that was it. That was the beginning of the end because, you know, he goes, most of my friends are either dead or in jail where I grew up at, you know, And it was pretty interesting how it, you know, ended. Like they went down to the train station, which is now Martin Luther King Boulevard.

Oh, God. You know, and, uh, and, and, and, and, and, in England? No, in fucking Memphis in England. You're fuck in Memphis. This is where this whole thing went down. Oh, okay. And, uh, you see what I got to deal with four years of college. In England?

Yeah. I thought you were talking about Ozzie, right? Four years of fucking college in England. I'm talking about Memphis and the guy goes, uh, but, I got, you know, I went to bed last night. I got up. The fucking alarm didn't go off. Thank God.

I always put, when I stay in a hotel, I ask for a wake-up call, but I always load up the phone too. Because the phone always weighs you. Listen, if you have a problem waking up, load that iPhone up. That's one advantage of the iPhone, that that alarm will wake you up. It's like an earthquake. It's the worst alarm in the fucking world. There's nothing sweet about that fucking alarm. It's terrible.

It's terrifying. You know which one I'm talking about? All of them. I have a mine is mine's a bruh horrible fucking horrible so uh you know I got on the plane this morning

and I was I didn't sleep much I'm on the plane and it's kind of empty and I got the whole seat to myself and I was thinking about what was your crossroads Lee like at your age so far was it going to college like what point made you go to Emerson

I mean you're a young guy I mean I just wanted to know if if I had a crossroads the 20. I had no fucking crossroads at 28. I had a fucking nothing at 28. What, 28, yeah, I had a crossroads. I would, okay, I guess there's, can you have more than one, I guess? Because Emerson, going to Emerson was good for me because I wouldn't have the internship or the, my first job that got me out to L.A. But honestly, and it sounds like I'm kissing ass, but honestly, it was writing that Facebook message to you, probably. No, no, no, no. I want to know.

you know i mean you're not a fucking mo mo mo you could have done three or four things right now in your life oh you want to know back to the first okay yeah what what at a young age because you'll exercise my memory a little bit like what really i always i always like from the from day one we had any electronic equipment i was the one running it from to from vcr's to to our first computer to video cameras and i always loved I would always shoot Anytime I had a school project I would try to do it video

But I would always I could never keep a straight face I would always lose it If I was trying to like do a report Like a news person And my brother would be the cameraman And he would start losing it I get pissed off

Because I would start losing it Um I remember in fifth grade My friend Nate Putnam and I Did a rap For one of our projects So I was always doing stuff like that I think maybe my first, I guess, maybe my first ninth grade film class with Mr. Serapis.

Because from there, I didn't take a single elective at school that wasn't film or TV-based. Okay, so when you took this with Mr. Sarabas, what did he cover in that film class? Like, I'm just interested. I think the first one was probably just digital video. And you know what? This might have been a female teacher, but most of them, more myth with someone else. But it was just, we went through setting up the camera.

We went through putting it. At that point, it was DV tapes. It wasn't digital yet. And I learned on like a Canon. I think it was like a GLX1. It was like one of those bigger. It was like the coolest thing I've ever seen. Because at my house, we still had the, at the certain point, we still had the big one that

you put an actual whole VHS tape into. And we upgraded over the years, I think, to high eight or something, which I know you don't know any of the, these words. You're right. I'm just saying, like, I don't know why I'm saying these things. But it was just, I had always loved playing with cameras. And that's where I first found editing.

And that's why, that's why, like, I had done the summer before, even though I hated it, I went to, like, this really artsy camp. And I did these, all the video courses. And that's kind of, I guess, because in, like, ninth and tenth grade, I was still going to like college tours saying I was going to be like in marketing or something like that. And I don't think until around 10th or 11th grade is when I first started really thinking about going for film. And then Emerson offered what?

Like everything? Like I know nothing. I know nothing about Emerson. Like I know. I thought that when you went to college you learned about fucking hardcore stuff. Like I couldn't imagine like not like I quit school my senior year. So I didn't fucking ask questions. But I always thought you went to school to do something hard.

And then when I got to Colorado and I took those courses, I heard about sociology degrees and these degrees. And I would sit there and go, why would people put themselves through four years of school and not have a guarantee on their life? I could not fucking, I could not fucking behoved that. Like, if I go to school for four years, it's because I'm going to cover the spread.

So even if I don't want to do what the fuck I'm doing, at least I could do this the final thing whether I'm a mathematician like I fucking had these big fucking retarded dreams you know and then but I had never had a dream of going to a college for film or art or anything like that that's what my point is like I don't know how I end up where I ended up

because it wasn't like yeah I listened to stand-up comedy but not it wasn't my fucking life I like Richard Pryor right that was it I like that style and I like music and I had a couple Richard Pryolms, I had a George Collin album, and I had music in the fucking room. I think Emerson actually has a stand-up comedy. If it's not a major, it's definitely at least a course. But it's what I've always, about those degrees that people don't have a guarantee,

I always thought that maybe those were the degrees for people who might not know exactly what they want to do. Right. So the Emerson's the opposite of that. You go to Emerson when you know what you want to do. So when you walk into Emerson, you know that I know that I know I want to do. to be a newspaper, a news reporter. I want to work at ABC, eyewitness news in New York.

Most people have like a track already built in. The people who get into Emerson, and I barely got in by the skin of my teeth, and I probably shouldn't have gotten in. I just harassed the guy who was reading my application. But it's like people go in there, and they're the best, like, they're the people from their town video-wise. And there's NYU, and there's USC, and there's other, great schools, but this one is...

Did you apply to NYU? I did. I only applied to four schools. I applied to NYU, Emerson, Drexel, and Fitchburg State. They were all film schools. I didn't get into NYU, and it was weird. I've always loved New York, but even there, it was a little... And it turned out Emerson was the same way, but everyone seemed a little bit snobby, just about film, which I don't...

It's a bummer to go to... That's what turned me off about the whole thing. was that I'm I like doing this stuff but I like Will Ferrell movies like that was my thing then like everyone was was shitting on him and I loved him and well I oh I see what you're saying so people when you go to like a school in New York or L.A. People start telling you about Fellini. The best one I was in the intro to screenwriting and we were going around saying our favorite movies and this girl went up and I think she got bullied out of the class because she went up and she's like my favorite movie is brumptuze. Breathless. And apparently it's like a black and white French movie. Like it's like a 19 whatever earlys.

And people just like start to, they started calling her breathless because like it was the most ridiculous answer. So what? What answer did you give it that time? You know what, man? I don't. I probably said either Man on Fire or City of God if I had to guess. Really? I loved. Man on Fire was the movie kind of how you and your friends watched Scarface.

My best friend and I, the guy who we went, I went to his wedding a couple years ago. We watched that 23rd. 30 times at least. Really? I love you. Oh, yeah, Men on Fire was, it was the one of the first movies I ever figured out how to, on one of the first, I don't even know if it was an actual video iPod. I think you could crack them and load videos into them, or maybe it was, either one.

It was, I watched, on my way to Israel, I watched Man on Fire on a tiny iPod. I had it on my iPod also. The iPod I have now, I had one before that, and I had Man on Fire on there and the Honeymoorers, and I watched it on there one time. With the fucking earphones on, with the really good fucking earphones on. I don't give a, I just can't, I didn't know, this is how fucking stupid I was. I didn't have any idea that you'd go to school for film. Yeah.

I thought that you, well, why? I'm fucking retarded. I knew NYU existed, but I didn't know what it was really about. Yeah. I thought, since I never would go to NYU, I never even thought about what the fuck it had to offer. I don't know if it was always this serious. It seems like right now, The art programs are for people who are like deadly serious.

Now there's people who I went to school with who are still doing like essentially student films or or working at movie theaters and that's fine. Like not everyone's going to like maybe that's what they want. And not everyone's doing it and I'm not doing what I went there for at all. But it's for the most part there's people you see out here are Emerson, NYU, USC. Like, they're those grads. There is one guy who I used to, who I worked with, who I actually didn't like. But he went the route at 18. He just started being a PA.

And then he moved up to assistant editor. Well, you just read my mind because like Cassius Morris, for example. Right. Cassius Morris at this point, like from my perspective. Right. If I was his parent, I'd go Cassius. Graduate when you're 18. We put a little money away.

Go out to L.A. We're going to finance a little car for you. and get a job for two years. At the end of two years, if you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing, you have to come back home and go to college to your 24. Well, he could do what I would say. Just send him to night school at like a community college.

Just get like the... No, no, no, no. I would put... Right now, Mercy was 18, and she came to me. I don't know what the world's going to be like when she's 18. I don't know what this business is going to be like when she's 18. Right. But in my world today, after what I've seen...

I would have her get a job, making coffee, putting up with the bullshit side of the world to see if she even wanted to do it. Right. Just a show of the ugly. Right. I want you to see the ugly now because I don't want you to go to college for four years and then all of a sudden get surprised one day and go, fuck you.

This ain't for me. But, I mean, when I came out here and I was doing college courses online. So I think, I mean, I just think, especially if it turns out that maybe it isn't what he wants to do and for cash. I'm pretty sure it's what he wants to do. But I'm just saying for anyone else out there, just to do a course or two online,

just so you're not starting at zero when you're 20 or 21, that's what I would say. And then anyways, because if I would go back now, I'm lucky. My parents split the debt with me, so I don't have that much. I still have like about 18,000 to go. But if I was someone now,

I'd go to at least two to three years at community college and just go to whatever college you want to go. go to for the major. There's no reason to pay 60,000 a year to do English. There just isn't anymore. So that's what I would say. Even though especially where I was, where I grew up, like colleges mean something. Like you don't want to like you don't want to tell people you're going to community college. Maybe at least I didn't. So like that was like the kind of like the stigma I felt. But now if I could save $10,000. Well, you told me that right now at this point in your life that you would have gone to a community college

and saved thousands of dollars. Tens of thousands, yeah, oh, yeah. And I think now, I think even now with Obama, there's some community colleges that some are free or subsidized or something. So, yeah, oh, yeah. I would totally do that now. And it wouldn't make a difference

whether you went to Emerson of this community college. No, because you could, I mean, what I would do is, all the schools have, like, you can call and say, like, hey, these are the classes I want to tell. I need to transfer over to be a junior or whatever like what do I need to do here to take two years and they'll probably go through your if you send them courses like that's what I did when I came out here I was do I took uh online courses just to graduate early because I wanted to get out of there

so I just sent them the course description they're like okay this is uh equal to this so that'll cancel that and yeah you could save probably a hundred thousand dollars if each year of school is 50 grand and then do 2,000 whatever at community college yeah you know man I don't give a fuck what you people at home think I would have done anything to have the full college experience that's kind of what you did even as a failure in college

in a sports level what I shouldn't say a failure Jesus Christ you're I mean I think it's I think to go to college and have like a little 20 hour part-time job and your parents help you there's nothing wrong with that to make the transition for you to have the full college experience what does that mean that means what's the coolest thing to do living on campus okay we'll figure out how to get you on campus you know do you need a car you know but this is the agreement that you need to give me if i do this for you you know you need to give me fucking bs or

a's or whatever you know just to give me peace of mind that my investment here this is an investment for the fucking family for the future. But I would want to have the full college experience with what I know today, even though Lee, and I'm looking at you in the face and telling you this that in many ways to a lot of people listening, they're like, it wouldn't mean anything. To me it did.

To me it did. To go to college and to have fucking normal friends for four years that, you know, even though they're fake little fucks and little hairdoes and, you know, I was watching that stupid movie with Justin Timberlake and they're on the rowing team at fucking Harvard. I never wanted to go to Harvard. But I would have gone to North Carolina. I would have loved to gone to the University of Miami. I would have to gone to the University of, you know,

Texas, you know, maybe somewhere in Utah. What an experience as a child. As a, you know, and I'm talking about this. How about this, Lee Syed? How about, do me a favor? I got a shoe store. You graduate high school, you go come work for me for a shoe store. We guarantee your job, whatever, a college, you know, you take a year from working and then you go and we split the fucking difference. Okay. You get a grocery store job. We have a friend that I get your job in the supermarket.

And then you go to college and you live the college experience from 19 to 24, 23, whatever it is. How great would that be? That would have been ideal for me. That's what I always wanted right there. I would have gave my right hand to go to college and it'd been normal. Smoke dope and go to concerts and wear shitty clothes and. you know, talk stupidity about the anti-socialism of the world and the big corporations ruining society and all that stupid shit, you know.

But it's just a four-year mind fuck before you deal with this. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Before you deal with this, which is minute when you're 40, but it's big when you're fucking 28. It moves quick. It moves real quick. And that's, I'll always love Emerson. They prepared me for the working world.

but I didn't have a great college experience. Like, I didn't really have that many friends at school. Because I was from the area, and I just hung out with people I knew. I should have probably gone to Drexel. I fucked up. No, where's Drexel? Philadelphia. They brought me there.

They had a brand new film program, and they were like, we want you to come here. They didn't give me a lot of money, but they gave me more money than Emerson did. And I just, for some reason, I fell in love with Emerson. And I'm glad I did, but part of me would have, I would have been further away. I would have been forced to really make friends right away. And because I... So at Emerson, you were in between? Emerson, I started a semester late.

So I never really clicked with anyone. And then because of that, I was like, before this, I was a really shy person. And I still pretty much am. But so I went, when I just didn't really click with anyone right away. You were shy, but you discovered bong hits. I discovered bong hits. I discovered bong.

I discovered bong. And stars of death. And stars of death. And cushy punch. But because of that, I just kind of went to hung out with a friend. I knew who were still in the area too. And I worked. That's where I always made friends.

Was it jobs? Well, that would have been my toughest decision. But knowing me, I would have started a new. I would have gone to North Carolina or something brand new. Eventually, you meet somebody from Jersey in New York City and you start talking. He got friends. You meet somebody. And next thing you know, you got your own fucking click, you know.

And that's what I thought. Yeah. That would be my dream. Philly was that far away. I don't think I was scared. I think I just, Emerson was like, I was just shot my dad.

My dad went to Emerson for like a year before he just left. He did basically what you said. He, he was finding that he was working more than his professors were. Like he was already in radio. So he was just like, I'm not going to finish. So,

but now he wishes, and what he's told me is he wishes he did, he went to school for something. else during that time. Go to school for history or to make him a better broadcaster to be able to talk about more topics. That's what he said. But yeah, he never won for anything.

Well, you know, I'm telling you right now that I've been doing comedy for 25 years and I love doing it, but man, you know, I'm 53 now. You think about the shit that you missed out on. And I tell you, if I could go to college, I would do it. No, no. Who's going to walk into UCLA of 53 years? Well, it has a bunch of people who are in her school who are at law school at like 45. No, no, no, no, no.

That's just, I got nowhere to go. I'm a felon. I got felons in fucking 22 states. You think I'm going to let me walk into the court of you? There's not a fucking, nobody who's going to overturn half this shit. You know, and beside the convictions, it's just the shit on there. There's a ton of shit on there. Yeah, but it was like 30 years ago.

It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. It happened. It happened. And that's all that fucking matters, you know, in front of that. That lady's got blindfolds. You know what I'm saying? Doesn't fucking matter.

I think you could get in. It would be a fucking leap and a half. I remember this couple years ago going up to Valley and talking to them, and they fucking put me through that, you know, it would take me a month and just paperwork leave. Really? Yeah, you got to fucking go. You contact this and contact?

I don't know what my GED is. Do you? No. No, me neither. I have no fucking idea where that went. That got stolen in the fucking, in the fire. I don't know. Do you know what my college documents are, my grades or anything? No, I don't know what this shit is. I don't even know what to start. I got to get on the phone

with Colorado right now, and then they would have to go in the computer and look at and go, all, you were in the C-UOP and you got thrown out for a felony conviction, you know, please, I don't want to start that again. I'm fine right now. I just love to do it as a, I didn't want to do it as a 40-year-old or a 30-year-old Lee. I wanted to do it whenever kids do it. So I didn't look like fucking Herman Munster walking through the fucking campus. You want me to walk through a campus today

looking like Herman Munster, kids offering me joints, calling me Uncle Joey and shit. Really? That's what you want me to fucking do, really, at this point in my life? Yeah, you'd be the king of campus. Yeah, that's what I want to do.

I have 50 fucking years old be the king of campus with a football jersey. Better than being the nerd at the campus. Like, yeah, fuck die. I'd rather be a nerd at campus Go to Homecoming. Get the fuck out of here. When I went back to New York, they hit me up on Facebook.

It's a homecoming. Are you coming to the stadium? Why are you fucking crazy? That is the most embarrassing thing in the world. I would definitely have a fucking anxiety attack. I can see the movie right now. Joey Diaz is Homecoming King. No, no, no.

That's just, I'm just, I've been grilling you tonight because I just want to know what it was like. I didn't know that you had this. You know, you've always, you've always spoken to me about this part of your life on a very loose manner. So when this all went down, I'd go, let me ask Lee,

at the age of 28th, if he really had a crossroad. No, you already had the thing. When you sent the email, that was something you had to do as a worker. It might have changed your life in different ways. It opened up different avenues,

but you were being pointed to this direction. I don't know what the fuck my crossroads was, Lee. I want me to sit here and tell you it was prison? No. I was always doomed for prison. I knew when I left Jersey at 19, I was going to prison somewhere. Somewhere.

I was never going to lie to myself. I knew I had already had some bad habits. I had already had some weaknesses. At 19, when I got in that fucking call, May, April 25th of 1983, I knew in that ride. That ride was a two or three day deprogramming for me. And everything became a lot.

Because once you start losing stresses, you know, thoughts of different things. Right. You see what the, you see what the initial, you know, it's called the cloud's part to show you the true color of the sky. And right there on that drive to Colorado, I knew. I didn't know I was going to be a fucking comedian. I'm going to tell you that shit. I'm not even going to close to tell you. I thought I was going to be a construction worker.

That was your biggest? aspiration? No, it wasn't the aspiration. It was the reality. It was a reality. I had no value. I didn't know. I had dropped out of college already. I'd robbed a jewelry store. I was doing drugs everywhere I went. Bad luck came. This was a different thing for me moving to Colorado. It's like the roads were parting, but it made me see into my future. And the one thing at that age at 19, I knew I was going to jail somewhere. Just for drugs, maybe go to pick up weed with you in the car and get pulled over. So I knew that already.

I just didn't know for how long and for what. That was the mystery question. That's how big my realm was at that age. But if I could trade that in to have gone to North Carolina, I don't know, long shot, maybe played basketball for a year, not starter. anything been like the 13th man I would fucking to do it all over again fuck yeah at least I that was one of my main things when I was growing up to go to a big college and go to the fucking stadium and jump up and down not from the fucking sidelines and paint my chest with a eat

I'm talking about from playing something who wouldn't want to play on fucking the biggest platform in the world and this is way before ESPN and shit So where do you think, I guess the crossword would be where that changed? Or like that path changed. No, no, no, no. I was just thinking about where the crossroad was. That was the one crossroad. When my kind of, it kind of, and then for a couple of years, I frailed.

I did this and this and nothing really happened. And then I think another crossroad was sleeping in that fucking rocket ship. You know, like waking up in the morning and a patch of leaves and hearing kids and shit. Like that was another crossroad. Is that one that your like lowest crossroom? Yeah, people are looking for me. People fucking, it means shit. And I had made my own fucking grave, but I was sleeping in a fucking park in the wintertime with a hood on.

Jesus Christ. I think about that. I think about how many nights. It was probably like 18 nights. I spent nights in there, 20 nights. Do you ever, do you ever have anxiety about like your past? No. No, I just go, what I just did.

Jesus Christ, like that was, so that rocket ship was a crossroads, you know, I think getting arrested was a crossroad, not as much as going to jail. I think getting arrested. Your first arrest? The one in Boulder. I think that arrest really took a lot of wind down of my sales. Why? Why that one specifically? Because it was the last place I thought I was getting arrested. See, you know what I mean? Like, I thought I would go down in New York or in California or the cops in Chicago would nail me for something.

But never in a small place, like Boulder, Colorado. And now, look, all this shit is about Boulder on the news now with John Bonae Ramsey. Everybody wants to know who killed John Reney Ramsey 20 years later. Who gives a fuck at this point in the game? They didn't convict it. Who cares? Let the little girl rest in peace.

You didn't do your job and you fucked up. But I think that was... I think, I think getting on stage the first time was maybe a realization, like, something has to happen. You know, that's what that crossroads means to me, right? To you, that something has to happen or something that inspires you or motivates you to change your life for the better? Yeah, that's a crossroads. Yeah, I would say those two combined are good because it's not always that something has to happen. Well, I guess, I mean, do you consider there's a crossroads?

Just going to graduating high school crossroads? Just choosing what, that's a big one. Choosing what to do with your life. No, I didn't graduate high school, but was it a cross, would have been a crossroads for me? No. It didn't feel like a challenge at that time. I didn't quit because I was failing classes.

I quit for monetary reasons. I quit for stupid reasons. I didn't quit because of the education. Right. No, I was doing great at school. It was the fucking money that, It was I had fucked up things going on and I had to support myself. You know, that was it.

The game was over. I had a year and I blew it and now I had to go get a fucking job. That's it. I wasn't a little boy no more. I couldn't live in somebody's basement and eat their food and I contribute. And on top of that, I wanted to go out at night and buy clothes and, you know, I wanted to have a car. I wanted to try that. I had to get a fucking job.

Did I keep the job? No, I realized I didn't want to fucking work. So it wasn't a real crossroads for me. You know? Was marriage a crossroads for me? Fuck, no. It didn't change. It was having Jacqueline a crossroads for me.

Not really. It slowed me down a little bit. And it showed me that what I wanted could be possible. I think getting on stage was a crossroads the first time was something that let, no. You know what the crossroads was for me, bro? When I went to get breakfast that morning for the roofing crew. I still remember that. I have dreams about that.

What about it? I just walked into a fucking diner. You know how we walk into a diner, and sometimes we walk up to the bar. We'll think of a, you know, the original Joe's in San Jose? Right. They have the fucking boots. Right.

But we could go to the counter, and you can sit in the counter, and sometimes it's just a newspaper right there. You ever see, like, just a newspaper there. Somebody got up and left their newspaper, and the guy, the waitress leaves it there. And I sat down and as I went like this, it was weird because the paper was twisted. So I went to see what it was.

And when I opened it, it was, do you want to be a comedian? No shit. No shit. I didn't know that. No shit. That's crazy. And I had gone to that diner a thousand times and I never went to the counter. See, I used to be a roofer, but they made me an estimator.

And what I would do is I would go in and pick a breakfast for the guys, but I would sit and have breakfast. So I was to the table, and while they were getting the guy's order ready, I would eat my fucking green, chili, and eggs. So there was never, I never went up to that counter. Right. But that day, I had to work. I had to go back and help them load that thing. So I just walked in, and there was that newspaper.

And I remember asking the lady, can I take this with me? And I folded it, and I put it under my arm, and I took it, and I left it in my truck, and then I went home, and I still remember it was Andy Payton. It was the Rocky Mountain Time. and it probably had to be probably like January of 91. Okay.

And it was Andy Payton. It said, do you want to be a stand-up comic? And it spoke about Roseanne's recent accomplishments how she started in Denver. So more people were doing stand-up comedy. Did you want to do stand-up comedy and said it about going to contacting comedy clubs for stand-up open mics?

Like three ads? Like comedy work? Witsen, no, no, comedy works. McElvey's had an open mic then, maybe, I don't remember. And there was another part that they listed as having an open mic. All in the same ad. All in the same ad after a two-page article, like this page, and then you open it up, and that page, it was one of those things.

But the last thing on that page was a stand-up comedy course at the University of Colorado, right up the block from my house. From two to five on Sundays, $37? Something crazy. He taught by Jeff Harms, comedian, extraordinary, improv, that's a crossroads. See, thank you, Lee. You help me in.

Yeah, that's definitely crossroads. Me going into that time. Somebody could have thrown that newspaper away. Yeah. And that would have never known. Did you have doubts about going to the class after you signed up? No, I was very enthusiastic about the class. Like before, like I remember when it started.

Like, it was three Sundays. days in a row from two to five I was married so this is post prison this is after prison this is after prison got it this is uh I get out of February of 89 yeah this about a year post prison the stand-up thing started popping up maybe 90 uh dice clay I don't know I don't know if it was dice first or this I don't know what fueled that I think it was dice that put a thought to me. And then, yes, yes, yes,

because it was New Year's in the halfway house and 91 I came out the fucking truck and I was destined to find and there was a girl Pat Sue that worked at a travel agent where I had the rental car agency where I used to wash cars and detailed cars

and all that shit and she was involved with comedy at some point at some level so I used to keep bothering her. I would keep saying to her you got to take me to do stand comedy and she would go well you have to come to watch me and all this shit and then I'll put you up on stage it all sounded like and it wouldn't motivate me like to write I call oh and I'll call you next week but I would never call it back so in all this you see what I'm saying in all this right

I walk into this diner and bam there's the fucking newspaper do you don't remember having an urge just to throw it away like yeah get out of here I'm busy no because it was right in front of me and what am I going to do for 10 minutes? Sit there, I might as well get a paper. But the weird thing about it is you usually open the paper from the front page, right? Right. No. It was so fucking twisted, like somebody was on that page,

that it made me open it to that page to see what he was reading. And that's where it said it. And I fucking went home, and I looked at the calendar. It was on Sundays or something weird. And then I started calling the Comedy Works. I watched that movie with Tom. Tom Hanks, that he's a stand-up comedian. I haven't seen it.

See, you're slipping. Him and the Flying Nun and Angel Salazar and Damon Wayans and a bunch of young comics. He picked him from the comedy store, Tom Hanks, and he shot this movie. I forget what the fuck it's called right now. Look it up. Why don't you look it up instead of staring at me, cock-sucker? You're staring at me. You don't know what I'm talking about.

Like, I'm the fucking... And that movie and that course got me fired up to calling the comedy worse. to schedule a stand-up fucking open mic night. Punchline. Punch line. 88. Yeah. So you weren't even there yet.

In 88, I was locked up. But once I watched this, that fueled me to get on stage once and for all. Wow. That's it. So that was a crossroads. This is a fun game. Yeah.

And believe it or not, the night I saw my wife. Which one? Terry. Like the first. First night you saw her? Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking about it.

Yeah. Because it moved perfectly. Like if... All night? No, not all night. The steps moved perfectly. Like they just all fell into place with her. Like, we met in a light bulb and off.

As sad as I want to say this. And you know, man, when you watch movies and shit like that, like, you know, Rocky, you know, like you, we watch a movie like Rocky. You watch a guy. go from zero to 100 but the last push is the woman you know like he finally gets it and then he bumps into somebody who gets it and it was so fucking weird because i had been at the store for a year and she had been in the store for a year and we never talked and one night i went to coaching horses and i was fucking coked up to the gills to the gills i didn't have a spot and i was fucking zonked

and I went into the store I went to the coaching horses and a bunch of waitresses came in from the comedy store and they sat in the booth behind me and they were giggling and shit and I wouldn't talk to them because I was so fucking gacked out of my mind

but I looked over and I'm like wow the girls at the comedy store are fucking getting pretty I just don't even look when I go to do comedy you know the rule is not to mess around with the waitresses so you just don't talk to them You know, at first I didn't know how to react to them.

Then I realized you have to have a relationship with them to make your night go smoother at the comedy store. So you've got to find one or two of them and tip them to get your cocktails. You know what I'm saying? So then you end up becoming their friends. But when you're young, when you're a new comic and you hear that type of shit, you stick to the rules, bitch. You know, when I got to the comedy store, I knew I was fortunate to be at the comedy store.

So I didn't talk to none of the fucking waitresses. For how long? How long? It took me about a hundred. 120 days to realize you gotta be yourself it's not all about rules you gotta talk to the fucking girls they're around you you're waiting in the hallways you know what I'm saying you gotta say something to them they're actresses you know they do all the shit that could help so I would talk to them so one night I went in there and I was I was war I went up to see what the

lineup was to check in as I was walking on the stairs this girl was walking up the stairs and I just looked at them I waited for to come down and we just started talking and then I saw there again I started talking to her again and I just said I don't know what I just said meet me Sunday night and she came down Sunday night and we hung out we went to eat or something like that afterward you know usually I had to go do coke and shit now like I went and ate with her and then I saw her down there again and then one day I just woke her up in the morning and went over there she made me breakfast and we watched law and order and shit what time did you go over there like 10 in those days he used to sleep till like one and you just showed up at 10 yeah

and rang the dog bell and called her from downstairs. And I brought over like eggs or something, something fucking weird. And she was like, does this mean I'm cooking breakfast? You know, it was just very, it was very organic and very innocent.

So in a way, it was kind of a fucking crossroad, you know? That's awesome. You think all the crossroads you have in your life? I was just more interested in you at your age because you have to, something always does something. I've always been,

what's the word you're looking for? You've always been not encouraged to do something by something that you see, right? Yeah, I mean, I got... There's one, there's a movie, there's a... I think it's called it Cut Above or... I'll have to look it up. It's a documentary about editing

with the guy who did... His name is Walter Merch. He's done, like, tons of amazing... I think he might have even done apocalypse now, if I'm not mistaken. And he was just an editor. And he's an editor. He's the editor. Let me look and see.

A blink of an eye, I think is the name of the movie. Let me see. Because I never even knew editing existed. Oh, yeah. That's how stupid I. I thought that you just shoot a movie straight and you put it up on the wall. You're going to love this guy. Like, you're going to freak out.

Okay. This guy started with, uh, Godfather Three He did Wait, no, this is old What the fuck? Your godfather

three, you ain't impressing me. One or two, you got me there, but three, you're not fucking blown. He did apoclobes now. All right.

Now you're talking. The English pageant. He worked in the sound department. So yeah, he's won three Oscar. So yeah, he's huge, but he's,

um, they like that, watching that documentary. How old would you when you watch a documentary? I think eight, I think, I think it was in, no, I think I was in high school. Yeah, I got it from Mr. Surappas. I think I might have been like 15, 16.

First time I heard about that. And that's the first thing that made you learn about anything. Well, because I was doing it in the courses and the classes, but that's just because I was, I'm the quiet kid. I didn't want to jump up and be an actor and anything. Because that's where everyone, in those courses, all the goofy kids would come in and want to be actors and not wanting to play with the do of the camera.

I'm short, and I don't have, like, particularly steady. hands. So I was never a really good camera guy. So I was gravitated towards the editing. And then when I saw that document, I was like, oh, that'd be kind of cool to do that. And then, and then I guess at Emerson, the crossroads they had was I found out that they had a new major. I was just, I went there on a film major, film production. And I was just, I was just editing. I was just, I was just, making it my own. And then halfway through they had a digital post-production major. So I

petitioned and I had to fight because they didn't want people to transfer over for some reason. They always made it a pain in the ass. But I transferred my major over and I took two really intensive editing courses. And it was it was great, yeah. Did you want to edit

big movies like this guy or TV? Because how did you fucking end up on TV if you wanted to be like Walter Merch? Yeah, on God. That's probably why I'm not doing it anymore, to be honest, because it's, um, TV is the job you get out here. It's really tough. To get them on a movie, I honestly don't even know. I don't really ever see the jobs posted, to be honest. Like, that's the ultimate case of, like, nevotism through either someone knowing someone or, uh, or I don't know. I honestly don't know how you get those jobs.

Um, I would have loved to work on a movie. That'd be amazing. That'd be a really cool thing to do, but the jobs out here are in reality TV. We'll put on Tony Bennett. We'll figure out how to get you in a fucking movie, right? Monday, October 3rd. It's a beautiful fucking month. It's a beautiful fucking week.

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. somebody twice as smart as I a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who leave you to learn that Miss Releis I am company Oh shit.

Are you going to shut this off now? You're going to fucking jiggle me the debt there. You know what I'm saying? What's up, Lysayette, you bad motherfucker? You're home all weekend. Let me give some shoutouts here that my main man, Matt Celeste, TSB, Bud and Roach Company up there in Santa Cruz.

The weirdest thing is, the other day I get to the fucking airport Saturday morning. I have my steak and eggs. I got my little vapor pen. I smoked a tutulut before I went into the airport. I'm all tuned up. Nice. I'm sitting there and getting on the plane back to Burbank.

And who's sitting up opposite from me? And he looks over at me and I'm looking over at him is the guy that used to be the 185 champ from AKA the surfer. Oh, I can't think of his name. The guy who recently lost of Bisping? Yeah. So I go over, we say hello, we're talking.

And we start talking and he asked me about Santa Cruz. And I asked him if the crow's nest is still there. And he goes, how do you know about the crow's nest? I go, what the fuck? I used to do comedy at the crow's nest in 1995. He's like, holy shit, I used to work at the crow's nest. He goes, in fact, the crow's nest's been in my family for fucking years. My mom was pregnant with me and she was a waitress at the crow's nest.

Wow. So he goes, if you want to work the crow's nest, give me a call. I'll get you in there. We'll come down and support you and show. Santa Cruz is a great little town. If you haven't been there, I haven't been there in fucking 15 years. I have never been there. Yeah, it's a cute little fucking.

in town. I used to sleep on the beach at night and freeze my ass off. You bring a blanket. Then you have to run back to the car like a little fucking sissy in the middle of night. You get all fucking tuned up. You're like, I'm going to sleep on the beach and shit. Luke Rockhole. Luke Rockhold. So I get home and I get a fucking thing

from TSP Bud and Roach Company from Santa Cruz. So now I might have to get my ass up to Santa Cruz and smoke some dope and do the crow's nest like the old days. Dominic Salis, Eric Homelaw, Cody Ayevo, Chad Risa

Leon, my main man Always on there Covering fucking MMA Vegas Eli And always the main security man Talking Lair A.K.A. Larry The baddest motherfucker in Vegas

Well I'm going to see Halloween weekend We're going to have some fucking funny Some stars You're still banned What are you going to do? Was that a crossroads for you Getting banned in the Vegas Club?

Oh, that just fucking lit you fire more than ever. I thought it was going to be a crossroads. I didn't know what the fuck was happening. Oh, you got to have funnly. What the fuck did you do all? Let me tell you something. Yeah.

What did you do to you? Oh. So, Sunday morning I wake up. I'm in a good fucking mood, right? Everything is beautiful. Every feeling I ruined it. I called this fucking, and I knew what happened. I call you and he tells me he's going to pass a day after.

What's the thing with a bunch of people? I go, all this fucking Jamok. He's really. sinking into the debts of mootness now. He put the jersey on. I did not put the jersey on. I did not put the hat on. They were holding a hat. We both wore shirts.

They both wore shirts. I wore Red Sox shirt. And they walk in there. Listen, I tell him the first game, bet the farm, call Larry, set Larry up with a PayPal account. Let's start fucking making big loot. He goes up there. What happens? They don't score a fucking point. He's the kiss of debt. And I figured that would happen.

Rosh Hashanah. See, you went out on Rosh Hashanah. You never go on Rosh. That's a respect. They don't want you spending. They want you to collect them on Russia, Shana. So that's what happened. I didn't know.

That's right. I apologize to the Jewish Federation. He made me laugh so fucking much because he goes up there on a date and he gets embarrassed and shit. No, she had fun. No, I'm not just saying. I'm just saying. No, but I know it's, it was like, like, I guys.

Like, everybody leaves, like pissed off. Like, God damn it, I can't fucking believe it. The past defense sucked. She was like, why's everyone so, so angry? Yeah. And we went and at the beginning, everyone's, all happy. How you doing? Good to see you. Oh my God.

You know, people come up... She's not used to that. People came up to me just started talking about the pads. So what do you think about the defenses? I'm like, I don't know. That's, you know what? As weird as people can be, when I first moved here, when I didn't even have, I didn't even unpack.

The Celtics were in the playoffs. And I drove to Sunday McLeans, like the real Boston Brahma to take her there, too. And I watched a Celtics game in A dude, this is actually really cool, a dude bought me a beer. It just was like, welcome to L.A. We talked about him and he, I forget what he did.

I think it was something financial. I'm pretty sure it was something financial, and we were just sitting there watching, talking about the Celtics. Sports are really cool. People will make fun of me. If I go to my 10-year high school reunion, I guarantee this one guy will talk about this memoir I wrote about Assembly Park. I love I love going

Let me ask you something Family Park Yeah Slow down a little bit Fucking Nelly What's this 10 year reunion You're talking about Oh I don't know when it's gonna be

But they've already started A Facebook group It's terrifying When is your 10 year From high school next year? Yeah Oh 17 So next year you got to go

Oh you I don't think I'm gonna go Unless Because they've been talking About doing it On Thanksgiving And I don't like Ever go home for Thanksgiving

Because it's Crazy expensive And busy And Terrifying It's not even bad Thanksgiving. Look at the week before Thanksgiving. They're fucking in the ass even worse. I canceled

all trips. Yeah, I never go. It's horrible that week. I've never once gone from L.A. Fucking horrible. Like, I looked at my, I got to go to Houston. Right. What am I going to do? What am I going to fucking do? I got to go. It's only one day I come by, I'm not staying for Sunday and nothing. I got to go. I'm only doing fucking Friday night only.

And it's so weird how they're already fucking in the ass. I feel bad for you if you travel over Thanksgiving. Jesus Christ. They rob you. The first week of November is good, but who's got the fucking time to stay home for three or four weeks? Yeah, I know. Who's got the time? And they rape you until about Tuesday.

Don't they rape you the whole time until the new year? Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Because it's Christmas. They change it up on you and shit. Like, I don't, that's it. I'm done. Like, a couple years ago, I wanted to go to Florida.

It was $1,200 fucking regular ticket to go to Florida the day after Christmas. Because everybody goes to Miami for fucking jumping up and down. They went to, I had to cancel. They were like, what if they pay the plane ticket? No, it's just a principal. 1,200 for the base ticket to go to Miami and the American Airlines. I couldn't believe it. I had my agent go, go to see what they're charging you

because sometimes they know you're a kid. They charge you more. And when you go back to that page, so look, they keep the fucking price to fuck with you and then they drop the price somewhere else. So sometimes it's better to open up that page from a different fucking computer. You know, it's kind of weird how they fuck in here.

1,200 round trip. 1,200 round trip was the cheapest fucking ticket. Oh, my God. It was like some event was going on down there. I was like, are you fucking crazy? That's why I learned about how they hijacked the prices. So no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But anyway, you brought up an interesting thing, you know.

And I don't want people to think, well, I remember moving to Colorado and being 19. And I'm living, like, in Basalt. And on the weekends, I would go to bars. I would go to bars in Glenwood Springs, and I would just sit there and talk to different people. And I would talk to women until I was going to fucking take them right to sleep. I still remember one girl I met We were all at a bar drinking Not doing coke

And I was acting like You know like you're mingling with people and people were talking to you I thought well maybe I could get your girl You know and shit like that And I started talking to this girl And she's like I got a van Like I was so I never knew nice people like this

not in New York and the girl kept telling me that she's a salesman you know but there was a couple of us you know what I'm saying like there was a couple people

talking having a conversation and she was saying that she was a salesman it's amazing nice to remember that she was telling me she's a salesman and she goes you know if you want you come

and I can show you what I sell and I didn't have the money and I didn't even know what the person was talking about like she was just trying to be nice to show me her van but I couldn't fucking believe

that a girl wanted me that walked to her van and was going to show me what was in the back of her van like to me i thought it was a setup that's how young and fucking street i was then and she kept saying excuse me you really don't want to go on it and she thought i was coming off as a rude person until this day i think about that how embarrassed i was because i was so hardcore new york or new jersey or whatever the fuck i was going through that right she was just trying to be very nice to me and she's like don't you want to And it was like lipstick and toenail, but this was like a big deal for her.

Like this is like a big deal. And I'm like, I really don't want to go in your fucking van. Because I didn't know if she was going to try to fucking say I'm raping. I don't fucking know. And I remember the guy going, no, no, Joey, we'll go over there together. And I finally go, okay. But she was like trying to be super nice. And I didn't know where she was coming from.

That's how hard. Like in those days, I was having a hard time with people saying good morning to me. Why? Because I didn't come from that society where people that, you know, like it was just, everybody was very nice. People would wave at you and I'd look around. Like I thought they were waving at somewhere else. That wore off after like three months, a month and a half. I asked around and people like, no, no.

People and then I realized an aspirin is a hitching post where people would pull over and you got in their car and they gave you a ride and you talked to them. I'd never even dreamt of something like that. No. When I told people in 1984, when I went back to Jersey, that was that they would go you got in their fucking car they could have killed you and I go no no no no they even have a little station where they sit they even tell you whether it's down valley or up valley or whatever the fuck it was like they would tell you with their distances it was very i know you probably don't but do you know if it still exists the hitching post is probably there you know i don't know what's the

rules are for hitchhiking now in that part of the country it's probably not good oh my god no that that place is all you know who was up there who got a hitchhiker ted Did he kill him? I think so either there you have to look at his crime fucking wave But he got somebody hitchhiking somewhere maybe in Seattle It seems like an easy way to do it But no I hitchhike bro I hitchhike a lot up there listen I never hitchhike ever again never ever ever that I ever hitchhike again

Those at that time period in my life at 83 I hit once I learned about hitchhiking All the time Why fucking that you know you could could wait for the bus, and the buses were great at those times. But I just waited for whoever came first. And sometimes you would just stand by the bus, and somebody would pull up and go, you want a ride? Because sometimes people would see you there.

And now they knew you were a regular. So they'd just go, come on, where are you going? I see you fucking walking around. Get in the car. That was unique to me. Would they drive you to work, or would they just drive me to look at the bus stop? There were points. So you got off easy.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? You got off easy. You went from. Aspen to the airport. They would ask you, there was an airport on the, but they wouldn't pull in. So from the airport, you could take a bus or transportation. Do you know what I'm saying?

It could hitchhike to the airport bus. Yeah, but in those days, it was on the way. Oh, my God. Okay, and you could pull over on the side. People were very nice. There's like a thousand dead bodies in Boulder or wherever there is. No, no, this is Aspen. In 83.

There's a thousand dead bodies. It's one road. It's one fucking road, one going down and one coming up. And then there was another point. It's a break in the road. This was the weird one. Okay. Where you have to, they drop you off on the side of a road that had two lanes.

Not to mention the two lanes going this way. Oh, you're dead. And you have to run across the street. You have to run across the street. And in those days, there was no light. There was nothing. You had to run across, and now there was a mountain that went up this way, which was called Snowmass Village.

Oh, good. And now people picked you up there too. You're still on the bottom of Snowmass Village, and people picked you up there. And on the same thing, they would either drop you off at the golf course or drop you off at the Upper Village. That's what it was called in those days.

The Upper Village was the market, the video store, Paula France, a fucking ski shop, and then there was an Upper Upper Village. But once, if you wouldn't be greedy, you just had dropped me off at the Upper Village because there was a shuttle that took you to the Upper Upper Upper Village.

What happens if no one comes up? What happens if no one's there? Lysayette, for nine months, somebody always came home. And how long? How long did you wait? 15 minutes, tops, like Uber. For free. Like Uber.

Did you give the guy a tip or anything? Nothing. Just conversation. They knew somebody. Listen, they were going up that hill. Nine out of ten, they knew somebody you knew. They hung out of, look, there was only, in 1983, there was a Mexican bar. Now you had to be really cool to hang out of that.

I wasn't that cool back then. There was the Point restaurant, I think. The one that John Denver on when I washed dishes. Okay. There was a bar next to that. There was a downstairs, and the guy that on the cheese shop played the bongos downstairs. And one day, one of the there with my buddy, and the dude was playing the bongos, and my buddy picked up a bottle of beer, shook it, and sprayed the beer in the guy's face.

His name was Carl Hall. He was in Columbus, but he was from North Carolina. What's the Social Security number? I don't know. I don't remember. What the fuck? I was trying to get Carl for a year to call into this fucking show. And you know what?

We communicated a few times, and he lives in Columbus. Hopefully I'll see him this fucking weekend. But that's weird that that came to my mind, Carl Hall. That was a great time. So, no. So let's say you didn't want to go to Snowmass Village? Right. And you didn't want to stop there?

They would take you all. all the way down to old snow mass, which is another like eight miles. No, that's on stuff. And there was a gas station there that you had to cross the street. You could get hit by a car there, too, in the snow. And then if you didn't get off there, you got off down by fucking basalt.

And if not, some people took you all the way down to Carbondale. But I knew people who hitchhike from Carbondale all the way to Aspen every day and back. And some people just take you to the next stop. But everybody understood there was no rides to their house. I don't want you to think. that there was one road so that's where they dropped you off along that road and there was what do you call those points what do you call those points in roads like what the people

landmarks landmarks landmarks so they considered like that snowmass village point that was a landmark basalt that was a landmark old snowmass where you going old snowmass oh perfect i got to go to snowmast yeah where do you live 62 lane really you live next to the smits yeah that's how it was like oh okay why are you going to There's one road. It makes sense. If you're just trying to be going that way. No, no, no, no, no, no.

There was no other way for me to get from fucking Aspen to Carbondale. Right. But that fucking road. 82. Okay. You understand? So that's why. But I never hitched high cross country.

Fuck you. I told you. In the eighth grade, I got in a fucking car. And the guy went from my dick. I ran out of there. That was another crossroad. How's that? That was another fucking crossroad.

I never got back in the car with a strange fucking person. and don't remind me to tell you you have to set my phone because I tried the Uber yesterday and the settings were off he was he was going to my fucking house or something like that what the fuck did you do to my no the phone just I woke up the end there the screen was black and also I heard a bunch of noises and boom all some new fucking pictures and new fucking names the phone came up different I'm not used to this shit this is starting to scare the fuck out of me You might have updated it, but without knowing it. You might have agreed to an update.

And who updates it? Apple. When? At night. That's probably what you did. Maybe. Who knows? It's all different now again.

Yeah, yeah. They just changed. The alarm is black. Yeah, yeah. The map. Yeah, that's what you did. Yeah. You scared me.

I thought my phone was going downhill, and that was the fucking warning right there. I don't know what. Sometimes the fucking phone goes black, and you don't get a fucking advance warning. Now you've got to go to sprint and stand there. online like a fucking jerk off and they don't know there's always a by the way with you i love sprint but every time i go down there's always an extra 20 minutes and there's a minute where you

want to show you there's a minute when you're in sprint that you want to shoot yourself in the fucking head they don't have a code they don't know you're gonna go to the one down close to where i live i know i don't see people there yeah yeah do that way there's something they're like they're like semi-retarded there something's going i don't know what

happens i don't know that's the reason why it's always up to the other one fucked my phone Anyway, I don't want to get into that shit. We give us a fuck about your fucking phone. That's the last thing I want to talk about. So what do I got? Tomorrow night, the comedy store sold out the belly room. I'm going to try to run the best hour I can for Christ's fucking sake.

And then I go to Columbus, Ohio, and next Tuesday I run it again. The directors and shit are coming from fucking the special. I think Lee will have to be down there to coordinate and shouldn't let people know it's crack or lack. And then we get on the plan of Chicago, Lee. I can't wait. I think I'm going to have a nervous break, though. No, no, because here's, I was going to ask you what you think the difference is between a week away this year and a week away before Vegas, because I see a huge difference. What, brother?

I don't get you question. Like, how you feel a week away from shooting a special in Chicago versus how you felt a week away from shooting the Vegas special? Because I see a very big difference. What do you see? I see, first of all, the recording, which you've never done. I see bits improving. You never, you were doing a bunch of, not the same, not like old, but old for you, like six months old, I think probably at that point, right? And that's old for you.

You don't usually keep stuff that long. And this, all this stuff is pretty. knew. And you're even, like, who knows how to do some of the stuff. When I used to edit your CDs, like, there would be stuff that you never said before ever. Before everything you ever do, you always call me and say, I don't know what I want to say. So, but this time, I think you know what you're going to say. Well, I have a short side of know what I'm going to say because there's a lot of shit I do want to say now, and I don't know how to translate it. So I was talking about Tom Segris, and he said, listen, just put, take the CDs that you have

have and take one bit for me CD and put it on the out the special and work it out you know and I thought about that so I had my wife download the three CDs and this morning I listened to my second well third CD what's the name of a can't eat pussy with asthma yeah it is one of the worst things I ever listened to my fucking goddamn life though at the 40 minute mark I had to throw the fucking earphones off it was just god awful God awful God awful the bits were half written i was nervous i must a star or 10 stars i stumbled and said the material twice and it's uh you really live and learn from listening to your material and in hindsight i don't know what the fuck it was i would have never released that out i would have never released that out i would

have never released that out me it is god awful the fucking one december the one i taped in sh in DC. D.C. Has its moments. It has its moments. My favorite so far is the first one that I did with you. That's my favorite thing I've ever

put because it's really stand-up. It sucks you in. It's not explosive. I fucked up. I talked about Christmas, but it sucks you in. It even sucks me in listening to it. There's something about that

recording there's something about that set that really I enjoy it it's not the funniest thing I listen to but there's something about the set that's really weird to describe you know that's the type of set you want for this special yes I wanted to have a beginning

a middle and an ending it doesn't have to be the funniest thing but I want it to go somewhere for some reason for another I'm thinking about crinkle cotton I'm not even hungry right now I'm not hungry at all the farthest thing from my mind. I'm a little hungry, so.

No, I know you're fucking always hungry, cocksucker. That's the problem. That's the fucking problem, cocksucker. So what are you thinking about? No, I was thinking about when I used to be a fucking young kid and I used to dip french fries and grape jelly. Ooh. I don't know about that.

I used to order, don't cook tonight called Chicken Delight. And it was a little basket. And they gave you two, three pieces of chicken with those crinkle cut fries that were fucking perfect. that were fucking perfect. They give you a bun with some butter and they gave you a little package of jelly. Remember we were talking about a couple weeks ago

and I had the Tahitian drink? You know how many people sent me shit about the Tahitian drink? It is fucking... And I know they still make them. They still make them somewhere. But anyway, the point is, what is the fucking point of this story is... The chicken delight.

The French fry from the chicken delight. That's what I was just thinking about. Even though I would not... It wasn't on my mind that I just thought about it. Just flashed into my mind. But I know I'm learned I've learned a lot for this special No matter what comes out from this I learned something

I really learned a lot towards my craft I learned a lot this weekend You know when Dice was here he spoke about This is a special to introduce me to the company to the country I entered I learned something this weekend That I'm a very I'm crassed You know I'm a little hard for some people There's parts where it's funny so

I'm those short sets and on my sets I have to add a little bit more humanity to my sets for me to really unleash on you that's well I think I mean what I think because there's people like Gabriel who's selling out arenas and everyone loves him that's great but there's people like you and and from people who just from people talking to me I think it's even even though not everyone might like you the reason people like you is because of the fucked up shit that they can relate to? Yeah.

So I think that's a beautiful thing. So if it means that you don't sell to everybody. No, no, no, no. Listen, I got into comedy. I got into comedy to be funny. Yeah. Not to really sell tickets, to be honest. It's really weird.

The differences. There's two differences in comedy. Right. And somewhere along the line, they meet. again, there's a crossroads. They meet because somewhere along the line, I didn't want it to be, I'm enjoying myself right now. I'm enjoying meeting all the people from the different podcasts

and the different avenues that we come across on. But it's also interesting that people are coming out, you know. When I started doing comedy, I never thought about that process. You never do. No. This is where you realize, this is what it's all. about once you get to LA and you're at the comedy store and you're ripping and rolling you're going on stage of Louis C.K. and Jeff Ross and Joe Rogan and fucking Sebastian and you're going on stage

of Bill Burr and all of a sudden you're realizing stuff's not happening for you. That's a tough situation to be at. You know, I don't even know who I was going on stage with those days. I was shooting movies and it just wasn't happening to me. And then also I came to the conclusion that opening myself up with you on this podcast. This really ties the circle together. So it's a nice fucking thing. You know what I'm saying? Sucker.

I understand what I were saying. How are you feeling, brother? What do you got planned this week? This week. Just normal work. I'm just working. And what's Dave saying? What are we getting back with the kettle bells?

I don't know. I did kettle bells today. My legs are fucking dying. You did the old school. Yeah, I did. What do I did? Five, one-handed swings, cleans, press, squat. I did it with each arm, and I did it four times.

No, regular swings, 10 times 10. No, I did five of each. So I did five swings, five cleans, five presses, five squats. Look at you. You're back to fucking tip-top, Magoo. I went down a little bit in where my weight was. Because I was like, I was doing that at 20 kilogram, but I did 18. today just because I was like I don't want to kill myself.

I was dying at the end. I was going to do some of your cardio at the end, but I was too tired. I couldn't get on the stairmaster. All right. So Wednesday, you got to get on the standmaster now. Yeah. I'm going to tomorrow. I'm going to do cardio tomorrow.

And then... No, no, no, no. Don't go tomorrow. Just go Wednesday. And make sure you do the weights and 10 minutes of cardio and then get off. Just 10 minutes? Just for Wednesday, 10 minutes. Okay.

And then Friday? 15. And then Monday, 20. And then Wednesday, 20. But Friday, you're going to go for fucking 30. After the kettlebell workout. After the kettlebell workout. And wait until you see what happens to you.

You're going to come back here in five weeks if you stick to that. Three times a week. Do a good warm-up. Do a 20-minute good warm-up. Do sit-ups. air squats I stretch stretch

really put your time into it you got nowhere else to go don't go if you're going to be in a rush make time make a commitment do a six weeker and what you're going to get for is the last week

you're going to do 3 40 minute cardioes plus the kettlebell so it's 20 minutes on the kettlebell 25 in the kettlebell 15 minute warm up and then every time you go you're going to build your cardio

a little more and watch to you see what happens Could I take like a five-minute break in between Or you don't want to get right on No you gotta get no yeah yeah yeah yeah after the weights You go around you stretch your back out like Dave did Okay Yeah, co-girl shit I forgot

Okay you do all that stuff And then boom you put your iPod on And you shoot over to the elect to go for 10 minutes Wednesday And then Friday of 15 Okay And watch what happens And you're gonna really see something different

you're going to see that, first of all, that you already worked up a sweat. Now this sweat is different. This sweat's coming from somewhere else. And all you're going to do is five minute intervals until you reach the last week of 40. And by the time you get to 40, I want you to look at the scale. And I don't want you to do nothing completely fucking different. You can't be eating coffee.

You can't beat in Luce-Lachia. When we go to fucking Boston, it's very light. No waste. Everything weed is going to be sharp. We're not going to waste. There's no reason for waste. There's going to be a breakfast, lunch, and a dinner, and it's going to be tremendous, but very clean.

You follow what I'm saying to you? So there's no mistakes. That's how you do. We go to Chicago, same thing. You go, you eat very clean. And then there's no mistakes. You got what you wanted. Everybody got what they wanted at the hotel to have a nice fucking lift for you.

You can jump up and down and do setups and you just keep everything moderately, no sugar in our diets. I'm going to try to do it to do it. with you. I'm going to be right there with you. No, sugar. That's hard. The candy, I don't mind. It's the bread. The bread is where I die. Right. So we're only going to have one fucking hot beef sandwich when we get to Chicago and

you have it Thursday. So by the time you get here Sunday, it's out of your system. You flushed it out Saturday before the fucking workout and that's it. You're done. But really, no, that's interesting that you did that. Give that a try. I think you're really going to have a good time with that workout. That's it. Don't do over. Don't do nothing. Challenge yourself every time you go. time five minutes yeah there's a guy I follow on Instagram who always has a workout plan he's really intensive here's his classes but they're always

like the Midwest so what do you so what do you want to hang out with the guy in the Midwest you can't do it just worry about yourself nobody has the work he's getting yourself over to that thing over there doing your little kettlebell from Dave you don't have to do the whole thing you're not going to do the farmer walks right he doesn't have the heavy kettlebells you can't do the heavy dead ones how big of the heavy a kettle of wells over that i think they have at least up some 50 yeah but that's like i'm doing for your dead lips so that's what i'm trying to say we didn't do that left unless you did uh because he used to make me do the 140 and do the deadlars we didn't do that that much in the beginning

so maybe he switched it all around you could do the two hand 50s and do the dead lips to really get your back on and all that shit whatever you want to do just don't get hurt yeah but try that fucking cardio after it because that really helped me yeah that really helped me a little full body work out with the weights and bam just give it a shot what the fuck you're 28 what do you got to lose right they could be another crossroads right and actually i have a fucking i'm 28 i have a meeting with a dermatologist for the first time ever since i start working out my face will not stop like like i have cleaner now and i'm cleaning my face right after i get there but i think i'm not to start cleaning my face at the gym that shit you eat at these bars where you jump up and down what i think that comes out of

your ass what do you think those chemicals and that goat juice from the meat And, you know, when you eat that lizard meat, the preserve, what do you think that goes? Maybe. When you go eat that fucking yin-yeng shoo, that shit you ate last week, Ming, Ming, wow, the thing that they sold you on Grubhub, what do you think those chemicals come out of? Your head. What do you think? That's why you got another lump over here. You're worse than me.

I thought I was the lumpiest guy in America. You got more lumps than anybody. What do you think? And I was doing blow and pills and shit, eating fucking rotten ass. I cut myself on my head and fucking, I don't know what happened. Sure. you cut yourself on your head. Let me ask you a question.

I know you've been with Blue Apron for a while. You said you lost some weight. You know what I was thinking about Blue Apron? What I never fucking thought about before? What's that? So you keep the recipe cards. Absolutely. And you can do the recipes all over again.

I never thought about how, because they only give you the recipe one time a year. They never repeat the same meal twice. No. That wasn't what my beef was. I kept saying, well, what if I like the salmon, the way they make it? Well, you got the fucking recipe.

That is one of the most. Brilliant things I've ever thought of ever. So in a way, you're learning how to cook right now. Oh, yeah, you're absolutely. I'm absolutely learning how to cook. And I can make, so, like, they made, one thing I made with these beef cassidias, which are really great. I can now make it with chicken, maybe. Maybe I could just make a cheese one.

I like the beef. Maybe I can put the beef over rice or something. I can do it a thousand different things. What are your favorite ones so far? I really like those beef cassidias. What else? there's been a the barbecue burger

was really good I really like that the spicy pasta that was like a spicy pepper not a pasta I don't know how I even said that right now but it was it was delicious and my only beef with them was they sent only a little bit

of like the amazing Parmesan cheese because with spicy pasta I like to I like to dousand but that was amazing and not everything is is my favorite dish ever, but I like almost everything. That they've sent you so far. Oh, yeah, 90% of everything I like.

The crunchy pork, you liked that night, you said? Oh, yeah, the pork sandwiches were really good. Yeah, there's always a good meal. And their customer service is great. I've had a couple issues. There's a bad shipping place out here that sometimes people have to use, and they don't deliver. and as soon as blue paper hears that they're always they send emails

they refund everything it's easy and if you want to skip a couple because when I go to Chicago I don't want the food coming so I'm skipping that week that's fine they're really easy their website's easy to use you can switch the menus around it's really it's really been an easy

and a really like it's not always a good experience when you're working with a company and I have they don't know like I'm not I'm not working with them as a member of this podcast. I'm working with them as I just use the code. So they don't know me yet from anyone else.

And they've been amazingly. Yeah, they've been solid. Well, Blue Apron knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals. So they set the highest quality standards to their community through supplies, family run farms, fisheries, and ranches, stuff like that. For less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron delivers, seasonal recipes along with pre-proportioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals.

Ever since Lee signed on for this, I always ask them because I want to know what his experiences, and he always sounds happy, and I get it because I got two or three of them sent to the house, and it was fucking easy. All I had to do was read, put it in. They send you everything to the tea except the oil, correct? Oil, salt and pepper. All salt and pepper, everybody's got all salt and pepper, and you put it in there and bing, boom. You know, listen, man, I'm the type of guy I like fresh stuff, but I'm lazy.

I can't work all day and then go to the supermarket, you know. So now you come home two, three nights a week, and there's blue apron waiting for you. That's the angle that this has. Oh, yeah, and I can't wait. When Paul moves in, we might even upgrade to the family plan. The bigger plan. Yeah, two, three nights a week to take the, and it's 20 minutes to cook, correct? And the way to do it, what people have been telling me is to meal prep it.

So when it comes, chop everything. Just do it right away. And then when you're ready for after you get home from work, then it takes only 15 to 20 minutes. Some of them are 25. I've seen estimated cooking time. But yeah, if when you get it, you could just do the meal prep, that would save you a thousand. That would save you so much time. Well, anyway, do me a favor.

Check out this meal, this week's menu and get your first three meals free. Okay? You heard what Lee was saying. And they got free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash joey right now. Let me tell you what they had. Crispy chicken milanese, okay? They had pimento cheeseburgers. They got baked eggs with potato hash and roast pork with kale pesto.

I mean, that's the family thing. This does not sound, I'm thinking of joining up for this stuff now, because now you're talking about it. I've been reading about it online. Listen, man, listen to what Lee's saying. You'll love how good it feels. It tastes great. and they create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron.

So don't wait. Do me a favor, man. Just check them out. What do you got to lose? Check out this week's menu again. And get your first three meals for free and free shipping by going to blue apron. com slash Joey right now. Again, that's blue apron.com slash Joey.

Listen, Blue Apron, a better way to cook, okay? Number two, I'd like to introduce something to the company here that, a new company that they sent me some paperwork, they sent me a few emails, and they said if I was interested, you know, they sent a watch. I passed along to Lee. Lee's the hip-hister.

I want to Lee to look good. It was founded with a belief that style shouldn't break the bank. The watchmaker's goal is to change the way consumers think about fashion by offering high-quality products at a revolutionary prices, with over 500,000 watches sold to customers

in 160 countries, around the world, MVMT watches has solidified itself as the world's fastest growing watch company, okay? Lee, what did you think so far? Because I gave it to Lee, because like I said, Lee's younger, he's hipper, I don't wear watches and always feels like a handcuffs on, so I just pass it on to Lee.

What do you think so far? And you got the thing fixed, it fits your wrist, the whole thing. I have, that's what I'm doing right now, I'm getting it fixed. I had, it fits my wrist already, but I, those, Style watches were always my favorite, but they're always real heavy. Like, they're always, like, real big, and they always felt real big on my wrist. This is really light.

It feels great on my arm. I like it. It looks cool. I've always liked the look on black. I got the one that's black on black. It looks really cool. It's going to look awesome with a suit. And Paula likes it.

So that was the ultimate girlfriend test. She loves it. So I couldn't be happier. The thing that I like is that it was, you know, it started by two broke college kids that wanted to wear style. watches but couldn't afford them. Yeah, they're expensive. So they started their own watch company. It's like, you know, how we started this. You got to, you got to really appreciate this stuff. You know, they started this like a podcast and they worked it through social media and this

where they got today. The beautiful thing is movement watches started $95. At a department store, you're looking at $400 to $500. Movement figured out by selling online, they were able to cut out the middleman and retail markup, providing the best possible price. Listen, they have classic design, quality construction, and style minimalism. Over 500 watches sold already. What we're going to do is this, okay? Listen, the holidays are coming. This is why we're going to try to get you the best things online right now and introduce them to you. And I thought this is great. Lee loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I love they ship it to the house. You have the watch. You know what, man? I'm going to look again and see if there's another watch on and I'm going to take a look at and get one to match my little Lee's, the black one.

But do me a favor. Go over and take a look. Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to mvmtwatches.com slash church. This watch has a really clean design and I've been getting compliments ever since Lee. You like it? I love it. All right. Now here's what you need to do.

Go to mvmtwatches. dot com slash church. Next time you step up your watch game, this is the way to go, all right? Join the movement. Go to mvmtwatches.com slash church and take a look. I'm going to give you 15% off today

with free shipping and free returns if you don't like it or you want to get a different watch. So go to mvmt watches.com slash church. I want to thank my main man tonight. Lee Syatt, we talked about just crossroads and what you think.

and maybe it opens up your mind to think about this shit because it fucked with my head, just Ozzy Osbourne saying that. That's the first time I watched the show. Really doesn't matter. How you feeling there? I'm pretty good. I also want to thank Audit.com right now, okay?

Yesterday I was a little sluggish. After the Southwest flight, I popped two alpha brains today, and I slept Nanny Nunu for like six fucking hours. My wife woke me up to tell me something that wasn't even fucking important. I was furious. I was having a nice little sleep.

I had my head under the pillow. I was buried. And you know what? The jet lag went away. It was a thrift, just three-planes. I'm not used to this shit. I don't want you people think I'm crying. I'm just not used to that many planes

and that many days and being delayed at airports. And today I got to the airport at 10 to 5. 10 to fucking 5. And there was no food. And finally, at like 525, those little shitty sandwich shops opened up where they have the pre-made sandwich. And I took that in the water.

and ate half of it through the other half way. I just wanted something in my stomach, Lee, so I wouldn't get sick. Anyway, we'll be back Wednesday night. Again, this weekend, I'll be at the Funny Bone, Columbus, and next Tuesday I'll be at the Comedy Store Belly Room. Lee, I love you, Cocksucker. Thank you for listening. See you Wednesday night, 8 o'clock.

Stay black. This show was brought to you by MVMT Watchers. Go to mvMtwatcher.com slash church right now, and check out all of their very high-quality watches at revolutionary low prices. Go to mvmtwatches.com slash church right now to get 15% off of all of their amazing products, and you're going to get free shipping and free returns. VMTW watches.com slash church right now. Show is also brought to you by Blue Apron.

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