The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #419 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: October 6, 2016

Josh Wolf, comedian snd host of the "Fairly Normal" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.    Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/05/2016.
  

Okay, start this. Let's start this. And I'll tell you why. See, I can justify every movement because I'm going to talk about what comes with that movement. Those outdoor things were too long in the tooth. You don't know until you get there. I agree with that. When you get there, you go, and no seats, no seats is the problem. The seats, the people that you see, now you're going to see people that are Jakey's age with a stone shirt on going. Yeah. And you're going to go, oh, no, no, no, no.

See, I think this weekend is going to be, I'll be on the younger side. I think there's going to be some old motherfuckers there. And I think I'll be in the medium range for age. You know, it's just, somebody said something really weird to me. They said, we went to see the, whatever, John Mayer, which is a great tour with the Grateful Dead. Yeah. And they were like, we went to the fucking Boulder shows. And we got to walk out.

It was just so fucking fake. Start it, go with the thing, because he's a new, so we got to run. All right. This show, this show is brought to you by Miandis. Miandis focuses solely on producing the most comfortable underwear that you've ever experienced. And for a limited time, everyone who listens to the church of what's happening now gets 20% off of your first order. But you have to go to meandies.com slash Joey. That's meandies.com.

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Yeah. Kick this fucking Mulee. Show these youngsters what it's all about it. Here we go. You motherfuckers have no idea. So now, why wouldn't I listen? The church of what's happened now. Wednesday.

The 5th of October. The king is gone. but he's not forgotten Lee find out what year this song came out 75, 76 I had to be 13, 12 I was just starting to go on the hunt I'm gonna see

so you wouldn't want to see this lot I'm gonna see it on Saturday night it's not gonna be this I think Neil Young can still get it I think he can still get it I mean he obviously not this I can't get it All right Lee shut the music off here

All right, it was August 27th of 79 released. I thought I was a lot younger than that when this came out. 79? I still remember this getting released, and I went to somebody's house late night. Like, somebody said, go over there, and there's going to be girls, and shit, might crack. And nothing cracked. Like, there was one girl and eight guys, and everybody was looking at a fucking killer. He's like, oh, that first girl.

girl in your school that fucked was a popular girl. The first one, the first one when everyone was like, she fucks? I mean, people were knocking on her door all night long. I remember the first girl that we heard in my school that fucked. We were like, it was amazing. Just the idea that somebody that we knew was fucking was crazy. Crazy. I met girls.

When I went back home three weeks ago, I met girls on Thursday night that I was in the six and seventh grade with, but basically in the sixth. sixth grade. When I first got out of Catholic school, that first class I went into was this guy, Mr. Lovito. He had a wig. He was the ecology teacher. Great fucking guy. Let me sing in the classroom. Just a dynamite fucking guy, Lovito. But we were talking about the two girls that got caught that year fucking every day. In the school? Lourdes Ramos. I'll never forget this girl. Lordez Ramos, who was a chubby little Cuban girl with a mustache, who played it off like she never grabbed the dick.

And this other girl, and this other girl was, Lourdes was fucking Eddie Lamentka. I still remember this. Sixth grade, that's my memory. They were fucking in sixth grade. Sixth grade. They were playing hooky and going to my friend Mario Arias, who still, my buddy, is in Vegas now. He used to own a gas station, and his parents were always at the gas station.

so he had the basement. So every afternoon for fucking three months and they couldn't figure it out. What are they 12? Like two, three days a week. These two girls and these two guys from our sixth grade class and it was hysterical because you looked at the back of the class

and both the same girls were begun and both the same guys are begun. And they just happen to get sick every fucking time after 12. And I'll never forget that they got nailed. You know, there was tears. There was a bunch of kids. Or, you know, they got caught because somebody finally put it together.

Hey, every time Josh Wolf was out, Joe Diaz and Lisaette and fucking Tom Segura out, we got saw a pattern. Right. And they went to Tom Sigurra's basement. There they were fucking in the basement. Right. And here's the weird thing. Okay, sixth grade, you figure you got to really, like, massage a girl and really make a feel at home. Like, you know what I'm saying?

Like, nobody's ever going to know. You know, I swear. You know, you're my princess. You got, like, silk sheets. Who's got that presence of mind when you're 12 years? Oh. I didn't. But because I had a big room to offer myself.

Yeah. I had the fucking bed, the whole thing. But the chick I found level would only let me dry hump. I was dry humping at the same time. While these guys were in the same basement with the two sixth grade girls fucking next to each other. But that's what I'm saying. So it's like yours and your brother's bed downstairs? Yeah.

That's it. When your brother's at school, I come over and I fuck a chick in your brother's bed with you on that bed right next to each other in the sixth grade. No. These two girls were savages. They were animals. Well, the dudes too. Oh, you got to fucking give it to them. You got to tip your hat a little bit, right?

Yeah, you got to tip your hat to these guys in the sixth grade. When I was in sixth grade, Joe, the girl that I was in love with, Stephanie, right? My big thing, like, I had to talk her into letting me go. up the back of her shirt. And dry humping was like, you know, I was like, can I move? She was like, no, no, don't move. I'm like, okay.

She was like, but I, I mean, it was a big deal if I could go up. You know, they got the two little bun, like the chicken wings. Like, if I could go up and if she, when I went up the back of her shirt, she would stick her little chicken wing out so I could fondle that a little bit. But that was sixth grade. Who's fucking in sixth grade? I mean, if someone touched my dick in sixth grade, I would have come. I can't imagine actually fucking.

sixth grade. Sixth grade? I was excited that a girl would dance with me in sixth grade. At the dance? At one of those dances. I'd be like, me too. I danced at somebody. Yeah.

I was dry humping at sixth grade. That's what jet. No. Seventh grade was when I dry humped. Who's the first girl that touched your dick? Not sex, but who's the first girl that actually touched your dick? My mother brought a dirty chick home one night. Like four in the morning.

Stop. My mother was. That story already wins. Stop it. Stop it. How old are you? How old are you? probably when I got out of Catholic school and when my mom and dad, no, he was still around my stepdad.

And hang on, me and that skinny girl were dry humping and nothing ever happened. Yeah. We broke up and my mom could tell I was a little droopy. And one night, my mom knocked on the door, like at 3.30 in the morning, she's like, okay, go, come on, get up, get up to somebody who wants to meet you. and I was like halfway down and she goes I go what are you talking about she goes yeah some woman wants to

meet you come on down I still had like my I still had like there there was other people down there but I still had like my captain video pajamas on yeah and I went down and I saw the chick and I started dancing with it

and she probably touched my dick and I got really aroused and I called the time out and I ran upstairs and put out I put on Sunday's best you know what I put on the Ricky LaBomba outfit and went back downstairs about 420 a.m.

Killed it. Killed it, but you know, till this day, I have to be honest with everybody. I still remember dancing with her. I still remember my mom and her friends and like the men in the room were goofing on it. It's like,

Coco, he's going to get some tonight. How old was she you think? The chick had to be 30. What about you? 12, 13. And I don't, I don't, you want me to tell you something, listen. I've never been Cosby,

like I've never really, like even like when you get molested people say that you black out you know and that can work the other way yeah reverse you know I always thought about maybe it was reverse like sexual like maybe my parents shouldn't have brought a girl home for me but till this day I'd love to tell everybody that I tap that ass I can't remember I think I went upstairs and from even my excitement now like I get real anxiety attacks I guarantee you. I just passed out. The first time I remember

somebody who even remotely knew what they were doing touched my dick. So it was, I had called, at the campus center because I grew up in Amherst Mass, right?

So UMass, the campus center they had always had concerts. So at the time, Paul Young was singing every time you go away, right? And he was coming to the fucking fine art center

and I was like, I told my mom, I'm like, hey, can I sleep out overnight for tickets for Paul Young? And she was like, sure. So me and my buddy,

Owen Yard. We say over and we're second in line and behind us are these two freshman girls in college. And so we're fucking around, right? And we're talking, talking. And so we end up buying tickets and the concerts like the next week, whatever.

So she would, she must have jerked me off in my cargo pants. And I, cargo pants, probably not. But I remember I was probably 15. I feel like we're skipping a big, we're talking, talking, talking, whatever. And the entire night were there.

She's like, how old are you guys? And I thought I'd be like, I'm 17. You know, doing that kind of? And she was like, you're 17? I'm like, 17. She's like, yeah, we're freshman. I'm like, oh, okay. So we're talking, talking to the whole night.

And that whole night, I'm thinking, oh, I think this freshman girl in college wants to fuck me. And I had never fucked anybody before. So, and I still at that time thought when you fingered a girl, you were supposed to leave your finger there like you were taking her temperature. Like, I didn't know until much later, after I had fingered my girlfriend, Sherry Wilshire, I was...

Don't say the last name. I'm sorry. She's dead. So she's dead. She's dead. Yes, but I remember that first time, right? And my buddy Paul, I remember he was like, how to go. I go, I fingered her.

And he goes, he goes, really? And I go, yeah, it was great. I go, I was doing this the whole time. And he was like, well, you didn't just leave your finger there, right? And I go, what? And he was like, I mean, you moved your finger in and out, right? I go, am I supposed to do that? He was like, oh, my God.

You just left your finger and her pussy? So I just lifted there like I was, she was a Thanksgiving turkey or something. You're right? So, but this girl when I'm a freshman, so I'm in the fucking front row at Paul Young, feeling it. You know, he's doing it every time you go away. Failing it. Looking back, not my best concert choice. But she puts her hands in my pockets of my, I think I was wearing a parachute pants at the time,

and just started jerking me off. And I was like, this is the best night of my life. Here's Paul Young singing every time you go away, they take a piece of me. This girl's jerking me off. And, you know, I was 15 at the time. She must have jerked me off like four times. But there was come all over the inside of- You got home.

You got hungry. Your mom's like, what got into you, Joshua? Oh, my, you're not going to believe it. Can I tell you maybe six years ago, I got a Facebook message from this girl who said, Hey, are you the same guy that I molested at a Paul Young concert when you were a team? teenager and I was like yeah as a matter of fact I was she I mean I think she was I was 15 she was a freshman so what that makes her three years older than me 9 3 freshman in college yeah freshman in college 18 or 19 at least she remembered that she molested you she took it into account that's

hysterical she's something she knew oh she knew she knew she knew that it was like you've never told anybody about that I'm like nah I mean I don't know your name so you're safe you know what I mean but she thought, I mean, the fact that she reached out and jokingly said, are you the guy that I molested? I thought that was pretty funny. It's funny how I always get the dates mixed up of sexual stuff. Like I have dry humped in the seventh grade and because of her I got left back. What do you mean?

Because I just dropped my whole life over her, just dry hump and her had me. I stopped going to karate. I stopped doing homework. I stopped talking to my parents. It was terrible. but so the following year after i got left back it was so embarrassing for me that i just over overcompensated yeah and i really got my life together the whole fucking deal the fuck is that i want to say to you motherfuckers i forget right now those stars are coming on strong are they coming

out strong but i just like i i didn't get my i had no game at all in high school like i didn't I remember I got blue balls for the first time after my senior prom. And everyone took a bus. We had taken limos in junior year, but senior year the school just had a bus for everybody. Yeah. And I was sitting next to my friend, and I was like, what is happening to me? Like, I was like doubled over in pain. He's like, oh, yeah, that's blue balls.

Like that was like, I was a senior in high school. I didn't lose my virginity until I think I was like 20 or 21. Let me ask you a question. How much can you see right now with your eyes partially open? I'm like George Costanza who can squint. I can see everything. Can you still see everything? Oh, yeah.

Because I mean, your eyes are like kind. They're like in that picture right there. Oh, yeah. That's a perfect picture. That's a perfect. I don't even notice that my eyes look like that. Hey, you said something to me earlier this week that you have never said to me that you and I have never talked about. and I couldn't believe it's way you waited this long to say it we were on the phone and you said something to me you said you remember you said something about you said something to me eight years ago and it was kind of harsh and I was like and I was like you were like because you were talking about we were talking about Gavin and you said but you said we talked in the phone about eight years ago and you said some shit to me that was pretty harsh but I went back and thought about it and didn't take it personally but you and I had never talked about that before like

It's been, it has been like eight years. No, it was longer than that. 10 years? Yeah, yeah, you were mad for a while. Everybody gets mad, but the drug thing kind of wore my welcome, but it's a few people. You were one of them, you know? There was just a few people. Rogan was real close to saying it.

There were just a few people that were real close to saying that, but hold on, before you go there, I got to say something to you because I had no sexual experience, and I always mix up the dates. And then I went on a tear. Hell. I had to be 15, and I finally divergenized this one girl. Then I dated two more girls back-to-back that wanted no part of nothing, not even dry humping on the bathroom floor. I had one at a birthday party.

I'm like, get on the floor. Let me dry hump you. And she's like, I'm not getting on the floor. I'll never forget that. And then I got a, Carmine Bousano got me this job. Going into my sophomore year before I had to go to the hospital for my lung infection. Yeah. They got me this gig on a bus as a monitor.

So when people went on trips, you had to give out 20 salami sandwiches and shit. But they were paying me like 800 a week. You know what I'm saying? It was one of those jobs. And there was this girl. Her name was Lydia. And you know when we've all had this experience that we've grown up with a girl. And all of some, we see her when she's 15 or,

16, well, this girl isn't just a fucking girl at 16. She's a fucking woman. Curves, you get the whole thing. Like, she's got the whole thing. You just look at her and go, oh, my God, this girl is banging, but it'll never work out for me. So I had to spend the week up in this district, which was uptown with this Lydia girl. And every day we went to Jones Beach, we went to a museum, and I gave out the sandwiches. And you know what?

By Thursday, I'm flirting with her, and I got a chance. I never had a chance with a girl like this, but I don't just have a chance with her to make out with it. She's just talking about sex. At this time, you're using rubbers at all? No, there was no rubbers in my life or in my future. It's 1979. It's the summer of 79.

It's probably July of 79. And that's exactly how it went down. For years, you struggled to have sex with people. You struggle to find the words. And one day, through a mistake, I said something to it. Like, that bikini looks good on you or something. And she played me back. She goes, you got to see what's under it.

And I'm saying, we'll show it to me. And we went behind the bus, and she pulled it. There was a bush of hair. And I was like, and I didn't know. And then the next day I saw, and I'm like, were you going to let me touch that thing? She's like, come on. And we went around, and I touched it.

And the next day I went back and we swapped spit. And I sucked the tities. And I'm like, so, what are we going to do this? And she's like, wait till we get back. My brother has a basement. It was the weird... Josh, it was like the weirdest fucking thing. And sure enough, you know, somebody lies to you?

Yeah. And you call them Friday. I can't meet you. I'm done. No. Here's the address. Went over there. Her brother left us.

We went downstairs. The brother left? Yeah. The brother was 22 and she was like maybe 15. You know, if I was 15, yeah, I was like 15, 16. Yeah. But she was in the North Bergen school system. I had never met her.

before and I had never heard of this Savage before like she was She lived near you she went to your school I lived on my mom was still alive And she lived on 86th Street or something And it was fucking crazy I took a bus up there met her Went downstairs took a panty soft tons of hair

You know we never you missed that bush a little bit We never went down on each other No like at that age no we just got together No condom boom and then by the time I got to high school she was gone like she was that much older than me and she was gone never a letter never a letter

never a song never a signature a boo nothing nothing just broke my heart it was the weirdest thing until this day it's every once in the world are you sure she even existed? Yeah yeah yeah she was like a pixie It was like a month relationship that was all dirty.

Like, we went to the movie one time. Like, I tried to turn it into a, if you know anything about me. Yeah. I took it to a movie or something. You ever date somebody or hook up with somebody, and after you hook up with them, they had something about them that they probably should have let you know ahead of time. The one and only time I've ever been with a girl who squirted, right?

And I went down on her. And I didn't, I had heard of a squirter before, but I'd never like, do you know what I mean? And when that shit came out. It's tremendous. No, but it fucking, my mouth was open. And I didn't know exactly. I wasn't expecting it.

Do you know what I mean? But if you're a squirder, that's something you kind of got to let somebody know going into the game. Like, fuck no. That's a surprise. No, no. If I'm a squirt or I'm telling you nothing. You are a squirt. Yeah.

I'm not going to say that. I'm going to squirt and then go, oops. No. Oops. I was like, you just got to let somebody know because I, I was not expecting that at that. Have you ever been with a squir? No, I've never been on the one.

I think I would prefer the way Joey squirder. Like, if I was going to be with a squirder, I'd prefer to be with a squirder. I'd prefer to be with a little, like, Joey, who would just, like, surprise me with this. Yeah, you want to be surprised by the squir. Yes, you do. You don't ever want nobody to tell you nothing. Well, I guess it kind of depends on the girl.

Like, was it like a girl you didn't want to have sex with? No, let me ask you something. If you're going down on a girl and you're a young man, right? Right. And squirting isn't in your brain. And all of a sudden, a wave of stinky bathwater

hits you in the face you're not going to be surprised like you don't want to know well because here's the thing I grew up with with pornography essentially so like it's almost like

it would be like a hidden surprise it'd be like an Easter egg that I'd be like yeah I found one look at Lee cracking funnies he's shit I know

really so I never found one you got a prize Lee oh you're the star for that comment you got a star for that comment are you ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,

how are those going? He's a tremendous. There you go. Do you remember when he first started? When he first started, what was happening? He was a nice little boy. He didn't bawling nobody. He still don't bother nobody.

Oh, these are... Smell them. Just smell those fucking things. Just smell those things. Oh, my God. Sure, eat one. Go ahead. Try it when you like it. Try it when you like it. Yeah, that's probably not a great idea. Eat half of it.

Yeah, he's two tentacles. That's it. We'll see what happens later in the day. So, Josh, this is my sixth one today. It is? Yeah. Give me the other half. I'm supposed to go hang out with a kid.

You go like this? That's your sixth one today? Yeah. And that's my five and a half one. I mean, and you guys just sit here. Like nothing happened. We're in training. Yeah, yeah, you train it hard.

ISIS kicks in the door to Russians. We're in training. They can't do nothing. No, they're not getting in here. We're an average in 1,1100 milligrams a day now for a week. Stop it. Oh, yeah, no wonder my kidneys are fucked up. 1,100 a day?

Is that what you're at, too, 1100 a day? I'm on 1,200 right now. On the weekends, he eats 850 just to keep him in line. You know what I'm saying? Just to keep you in shape? Yeah. What's your girlfriend? Is she on board?

Yeah, well, she is a little bit, but she is looking for a lawyer jobs right now, so she can't really do it. But it stinks, because when I go get it, like, I get it for, like, her and me, and she needs, like, one red star, maybe. And I need about six. Six purple ones, two red ones. Some acid, little mushrooms. There's only two things we're eating now. These and those cushy things. Cushy punch, yeah.

Those cushy punch are. I don't even know what those are. Oh. What are those? It's a gummy bear. Basically, if it's 100 milligrams or 200 milligrams, it's 4 cubes. So if it's 100, it's 25, it's 200, it's 50. Do you remember the weed you used to smoke?

Yeah. Do you remember, like, you could smoke two, three joints and just be like, maybe you get a headache? He still does smoke two or three joints. No, no, but without getting high. You could smoke two or three joints without getting high. You don't know what we did before. you got it to I smell this

that's what yeah this is this is this is we got is this is this is the is this where Owen Benjamin walked around the neighborhood this is it is this the neighborhood he walked around in yeah he told me he was like I walked out and never fucking came back no he never came back no no he was

like Bruce Springston yeah he said he never fucking came back he couldn't did you know he was in trouble could you tell by looking at us there was a couple points there's two or three people I've looked at that I could tell that they're gone. Ada?

Yeah? Ada. We were having a great time and she just took one and ate one without even like, she just took one. Right. And I'm like, okay, she's a tall cup of coffee. Yeah. And about 30 minutes later, I saw her eyes going, like it was real. Like, when you see it, you go, oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Like, I've seen, remember what? Remember what was the movie when they took a shopping? The devil's advocate when they took Clarice Giron shopping and they would put the dresses over their head and all of them they go And she would go oh That's what happens with this shit like it just comes to you little by little at first But you love that shit

Oh yeah, I love to be in fear Yeah you like my life you fucking love that shit You know I think about it like a I think Rogan and Seguer broke it down once and like it's a great way for a comic to live and I thought about it that was from 80 to 95. That's how I lived. I loved living that. At any time,

somebody can knock on that door and say, dog, what happened to the $2,000 from that gambling debt? You saw it. You saw it. You lived. You lived it. You lived it.

You know, at that timely, anything could have. Yeah. I remember. I remember it being, It's just The fuck

I get separated October of 91 And I go on a tear For 18 months Credit cards Bongos I finally have to start selling Everything I could

Like neon Membership to a mob Yeah But there was a kid I was working That was a nice kid That kept coming to me going dog If you ever had any good investments No

Yes and I was nurturing him. Yeah. But by the way, you're really good at that. Oh, we were talking about that. You're really good at that. But before we get to that, there's something I do got to tell you. Lee, by the way, were you at the conversation?

No, you weren't at the conversation. Kept me up all night. Last week, by the way, happy Rosh Hashanah. Thank you. Last week, I took a long distance flight. I'm sitting in first class. I get upgraded. I don't bother.

You know, when you get upgraded on a New York flight, you don't say nothing. No, nobody. Nope. I'm sitting there. I see three empty seats. the one next to me and two over there. Guess who sits next to me? 50 cents.

Sits in the window aisle, goes to sleep. I don't say two words. It don't got nothing to do with me. So now I can't go to sleep. I got a few stars in me. I got the iPod in. I'm excited. I want to see who's going to be in those last two seats.

And all of a sudden I get caught up. My wife calls me, whatever. The flight to 6 a.m. polite out of L.A.X. to Kennedy, my favorite, because you're going to Delta One and shit. What? What? What?

Yeah. What? So all of a sudden I'm sitting there. And who is it? But two and Lee, I fucked up. I've been slipping my racially, whatever skills are low, especially when it comes to the Cid Jews.

So there was one 400 pound of Sid Jew with the whole thing, and his son, stinky with a fucking broken foot, comes on, toes exposed, the whole thing. Just two stink bombs complaining. from the time they get out. Just complaining from the time.

The guy is round. He tucks his shirt in. Yeah. Before the plane takes off, he puts the vest on. He ties the ropes around his arm with the flashlight. Yeah. Him and his son, before the plane take off. It's not a flashlight.

Okay, whatever. Okay. Whatever. Listen to me. I like it. I like it better that way. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

He looked like they were doing pornography with the robes. around their arm. So now they sit down. Can I have coffee? Okay, they get coffee. You get complimentary coffee in most class. Okay.

So him and the son are drinking coffee. They're going. The plane's going, okay, everybody's shut down. Boom. Okay, everybody was headed to the thing. The plane doesn't even get to the runway. I think something cut it off. The plane goes, he spills the coffee.

Excuse me. Excuse me. He's working it already from the gun. He's like, I spilled my coffee on my new dry cleaning. Somebody has to take care of. dry clean is there an upgrade available you know the plane hasn't even gone into the yeah and he's already talking upgrade upgrade oh great and already me I'm a professional I already know that if I would own Delta I would have checked to see who this guy was

because for every dollar you take from this he's going to charge you double in time and aggravation plus he's going to take everything he's got but they did two genius moves that I didn't figure out to the other night about three in the morning I got high and I fucking figured out with these two as Sidics, dude, they're fucking beautiful. People talk about those people. What's that movie with Brad Pitt that they're hustlers? Ocean's 11?

No. The fucking one with their boxes and they live, those people that he represents, their fucking, some type of Irish people that are even, they're gypsies. Snitch. Snitch. Stitch. Whatever the fucking. Snatch.

Snatch. They're gypsies. And they said, don't double cross you. Listen, I didn't catch the double cross. until two weeks later with the city Jews, they're talking. I was the president going to call? What did they do?

What's the first call you got? Listen, before the plane took off, they already asked for a fucking upgrade. The plane took off. Okay? The plane's up in the air. The black guy gets a pad with your name on. He walks right up to him,

and he goes, is this got the bat-tabah? And he goes, yes. What do you think the first thing out of this guy's mouth was? He said, do you have my kosher meal? And also, the black guy goes into a frenzy kosher. Right? I mean, he cracks him. First thing out of the gate.

Yeah. He cracks him with the kosher meal. Cracks me too? I'm like, I was not expecting that. Yeah. And also the guy's like, no. We're going, okay, I guess I'm going to have to talk to management. Upgrades for me and my son.

And he's already working it, dog. Wow, whipping him. Let me get two blankets. I want a hat. You know, I want the hat. I want the, he's working him, he's working them, just working them with whips and chains. Well, guess what? At six in the morning?

Well, guess what, Lee Syatt? Did he get everything you wanted? No, no, he tormented them. He got everything. Then the food came, and he goes, and said no kosher menus. He got the pick and choose from two other menus, and they ate everything. But here's the most disgusting thing. They had a bag of food, not a bag, a black bag.

They had a bag of just egg salads and everything. They didn't need the food they were complaining about. Right. Now, at the end of this 40-minute Eidathon, the guy gets up after being up and down, praying, wrapping stuff around his arm, talking to his son in Hebrew. He goes to the bathroom and he stays in there, takes a 40-minute shit. No. That the whole first class and the people in the first 10 are in jeopardy. They're like, when is this guy going to come out and what's that ass going to smell like? The guy couldn't fit into the bathroom, like frontways.

He had to turn around and go backwards. You have no idea. The thing opens, he comes out, he walks out like, hi, and all of a sudden the fucking one black stewardess just slams that door. And they come out in their spraying. Oh, my God, I felt so bad for them, Josh Bull. But I figured out the whole scam. They never ordered kosher food.

No. That was just to get the fucking guy ruffled up and shit. Yeah. And the son's foot wasn't broken. They just put a cast on his foot just to fucking let them know that. We used to do that at Disneyland. Yeah. What, put a cast on the kids foot?

Oh, yeah. The kids get to, they used to get to pick which one of them wanted to be handicapped for the day. There you go. We used to do that all the time. There you go. We used to pick. What the fuck you think you're dealing with? Something happened there because he's chubby. He didn't want to be embarrassed, so he made the son put on a fake fucking cast.

Because I saw it wasn't a cast. It wasn't a real white cast. It was a blue one that you put together at home, like luggage. What the fuck you think you're dealing with? And I told Matt Lottman this. I go, Matt Lottman, they never even ordered the caution meal. They said that to get the guy. ruffled up from the jump. That's how you do it,

ladies and gentlemen, you see? When's the last good scam that you ran? Because I'll tell you some things that I know you love. You love when a scam comes through. But, you know, just watching like Owen crack and you said Ada cracked, you love seeing people crack too.

Like, you take a lot of fucking joy in that. But what's the last good scam that you ran? It's been a minute, right? You have... A long time. Yeah. But there's one I think about all the time, And the king of my, I was in the hayday of my hayday. What years is?

It's 83. I'm 20 years old. I'm living in D12, the bottom of the something apartments. D is the fourth building. It's my friend, me and Jimmy Berkel. And I'm not making a bad living. I'm not doing the, I'm not living the life of Riley, but I got a job.

I'm taking classes at night. And I got my eyes open And that's the type of town You just have your eyes open Yeah You only pick up a thousand dollars a week My mistake Because nobody's paying attention

Right So you'll pick up a purse You'll pick up a wallet You'll pick a car's I mean it was fucking crazy I cannot describe it But You know

At that time I was living 24-7 Which means nobody got a break When I was 19 When I left Jersey the first time Nobody got a break. What do you mean nobody got a break? Nobody got a break, okay. So I get up in the morning,

I probably got $30 bucks on me. I got two fives, 10 singles in a 10. All right, I would hitchhike down the hill. If I could hitchhike to work, I would hitchhite to work. If not, I'd take the bus, but guess what?

I wasn't paying the bus. I was going to get it on the back and fucking walk off on the back. And then I would get to work and I'd work at, I work for eight hours at work, and you and Lee brought lunches. I'd take Lee's sandwich and you're a soda. You know, I was just a fucking miserable fuck until I didn't give a fuck

because I knew I was going to keep this job, so I'm just eating that fucking sandwich. Sometimes I throw the way one guy, I took one time I was when I first... He's taking your sandwich, Luke. Listen at Mazbach-Sendry Hart when I first quit. Listen to me, though. Here's the crazy thing. When I quit high school, I quit to go to Mazbach Century Hardware. And one day, I was downstairs in the fucking, I was a warehouseman.

And something happened to go, break time. And I go, listen, I don't want to take a break. I'm going to go, Joey, you can't do this. You have to go to the break room. And I'm going to the break room. I'm sitting there. It's a true story, guys. I'm 17.

I'm stupid. But I don't give a fuck. I probably had $2 on my pocket. I go upstairs. I'm sitting there and I go, what the fuck am I doing up here? And they got like, in those days, they didn't have microwave sodas like that. But there was a refrigerator. And there was all these brown lunches.

Right? Like, and I saw one and I just took this motherfucker out. And I opened it up and God forbid. Good googly-mooly. It was that dude's kosher meal. No. It was like a fucking, like a Philly cheese steak. Like he had bought it at a store.

Yeah. So it didn't belong to no bodies. So I'm like, I'm like maybe. What do you mean, you know what I'm saying? Like, I didn't know. Like, maybe like on Tuesdays they order from fucking Johnny's. Yeah.

And this was the, and that this for everybody. But I got, it's like 10.30, 11 o'clock. I'm up there. And I'm looking. This is a true story, Josh Wolf, okay. You know me and we go back a long time. I forgot about this one. And all of a sudden,

I go up and I take the thing out. The first thing I take out, it was still even kind of war. And I fucking take it out. I'm eating this Bible. It's got a you who in there. It was like, it was me. There was a napkin and shit.

There was a note. Yeah, go from the mom. No, there was a napkin. And all of a sudden, do you know that? I'm sitting there. I finished wiping my head. And thank God I've always been a gentleman. I wiped the table and I threw the stuff in the garbage

and then I wiped it again. At that time, I wasn't friends with nobody. Like, I had just been there for maybe three weeks. I didn't know nothing. But I still had another 15 minutes upstairs. So I just went and washed my hands. And I went by the window and just looked outside. And all of a sudden, all of a sudden,

I'm looking out this window on Joshua. And I hear, like, three people come in by me. They got nothing to do with me, so I don't look. Right. And they're talking. And I'm blah, blah, who you got tonight? I got the Steelers, you know?

And all of a sudden I hear, all right, all right, let's do this. I hear everything. What the fuck? Listen to me. And that's what I turn around. I don't know what's going on. Yeah. So he goes, God damn it.

Somebody's done. Now, this guy at this time, bro, I'm a little on the crazy side. My mom's been dead. two years. I think I want to be a gangster. Yeah. You know? But let's face it. I wasn't going up against this. This dude

was 5-11, yoked, black, you know, angry. And now somebody took his fucking food. He took the fucking door. And when he slammed it, it just landed in his hand. Now, and Lee would have slammed the door and it would have just dropped it.

Yeah. This guy held the door in his hand. He's like, who took my motherfucking sandwich? Who the fuck took my sandwich? And I started shit and pat. I better not have an onion on my teeth and shit. Oh, my God. He fucking slammed the door. He fucking went through all the fucking sandwiches in there.

He ran downstairs. Who the fuck took my sandwich? Who the fuck came up here? And I'm right there like 20 minutes and he looked at me. Who the fuck, you see anybody? I go, no. I just got here. I don't even know what was going on up here.

This is the first time I've been up here. I don't even know why I'm up here. Yeah, I don't even know. What's happening here? I ran out of there and I was like, oh, shit. That's where you put your food when you, you know, in those days, there was just one freezer. Yeah. Now you go to an office building they have.

But I like how you said it was like a Philly cheese steak so it didn't belong to anybody. Yeah, it'd fucking belong to somebody who ever put it in the refrigerator. But listen. Do you know what I mean? Like, he was like, they bought it at a store. Yeah. So I guess it's right. everybody. I thought, you know, since if I would have took it out and it would have been in a

container, I would have gone, oh, you mean like a Tupperware. Yeah, yeah, this is from somebody's house. But when I saw it in the thing, I go, you never know. Maybe the people deliver. This is for everybody. This is for everybody. Yeah. Fuck it. I was hungry in those days. I didn't know. I ate that sandwich in two bites. It was delicious. And after that, we kind of became friends that I would bust his balls about that from time to time. Did you ever tell them that was you? No, but I would like torment them. You love that shit. I got my eye on up there because somebody took my motherfucking sandwich. I'm telling you, dog, there's a beef in this motherfucker.

I know how to give air to those situations. Oh, you love that shit. I love to fan those fires, so I got him for a while. Did you ever eat at that place next to Swanies, that Korean place that had the rats crawling in and out of the, out of the, you know, they used to leave the pot of food on the stove? No, they had the chicken terriaki place next door. Right next door, that tiny little place. Right? So when you walk out of Swanis, it's right to your left. I never wanted that.

So it was a little Korean place. And so I used to eat there all the fucking time. And Swanee used to eat there all the time. But you knew they had rats? Well, that we didn't know they had rats. And so, you know, when you looked out, when you were in the bar and you looked right across the alley, you could see in their kitchen. And we were like, oh, fuck, there's that pot of bim-b-bam-bab. And you would eat the chicken terriaki from there.

No, I ate the bim-bam bat. Oh, yeah. That's what you get for eating bim-bam bat. Yeah. I wouldn't meet bim bamb bat if you fucking gave me 10 bim bambats. Let me tell you something. If you were going to serve, if you're going to give me food and you put a fried egg on anything, I'll fucking, if you put a fried egg on a burger, I just love shit where you put a fried egg on. You don't eat a burger with fried egg on it?

We do at one specific place. I turn Lee on to the place. No, I hit that way before you did that. No, you didn't eat that. You didn't eat that. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. No, you didn't.

No, you didn't. No, you didn't. I told me about that. No, you fucking didn't, you lion-sucking shit. What's the place? What's the place? The place by fucking the American Airlines Terminal in LAX. If you go there early, they have a hamburger with an egg on it.

What place? With Alioli place. Terminal 46 in the back. You got to go on the back. It's like American Airlines in JetBlue. They have next to a food truck, but they have a burger. I know exactly where that is. In the back and in the mornings, they fuck up because...

I told you about that. No, you did not, though. You were not going to have to go to the fucking airport. You would never eat that. That place is good. You wouldn't eat there. That place is good. I didn't want to eat at the place next to it.

I wanted to, but it was busy. Yeah, you would get the other place. So here, I will admit that I am an amateur. If you go back there. So, but the Bim Bamb, Bap is basically a bowl of Korean food with Friday content. No, he's a fucking great. That's disgusting. You got what you deserved on Bamban Bambu.

I would need that. That shit. You know who loved that place? Lionel. Lionel. Do you know he reached out to me on Facebook? Did he reach out to you? No.

Yeah, man. He was, I gave him your info. Where is he? He's in the Northeast, man. He's got a wife. He's got kids. Yeah. Listen, to me, Lionel was the first dude like that that I had ever met.

Lionel was, you talk about 24-7? Lionel was fucking 24-7. But he was also down for anything at any fucking time, at any day, at any time of the night and his apartment across some swanis weird shit happened did you ever go to a party up there no no i never of course you fucking did the best was when i was living in his corner because if i missed a bus i would just go to his house and throw rocks in his window oh he was up too and he would let me in no sometimes we talk and smoke a joint but there was one that i fell asleep there and i wake up in the middle night to him letting two fucking crack heads come up and they

smoke crack in the corner until about six then they just left because it was cold out like shit like that you didn't really but Lionel was good for that dude who was that dude also and I'm glad who was the big chef that killed that used to fuck Rita O

that dude who just got out of jail do you remember that guy the dude who got out of jail who was fucking Rita O when she died when she fell down the stairs or whatever I don't remember him dude he and Lionel used to get they used to get so fucked up

and cook that food and do terrible shit to that food that they served to people you know remember Chuck Knoblock he played for the Yankees first baseman second baseman second base I'm sorry you know Lionel did not like the Yankees he used to fuck with that dude's food he was like

is this for Knoblock he'd be like yeah and he'd be like okay oh he would fucking put hair in it and shit he did not give up Naubleau ate some shit. He was yeah. He ate some shit that was not good for him at that place.

But if you ate at Swanis, that was your own fucking problem. That was your own problem. I always said to tell people, when you were getting ready to go up at Swanee is the underground, the old one, if you looked, if the guy was said, okay, you're going up in five minutes, you would have walked to

Swanis on the left side of the stage. Yeah. And if you stopped right there, there was a beam. But if you Look at the people's food. They would have nachos and you would see a water bug. Like the time I saw it like three times and I'm like, wow. This is how weird this is that people are so much watching a comedian that they're just taking nachos. And they're fucking, oh.

So the other day, listen, listen. And we all know about this. Josh Wolf knows about this, Lee. So, sorry. You know, one of the benefits. doing nose surgery at the first two or three weeks i got good snots oh no dude i can't i can't i can't oh thank you josh oh god i can't fucking he knows i fucking hate this he knows you don't even know what you're in for i do know what i'm in for i'm going to throw up here at the fucking but then it drops off

slowly are you going to take one out of your nose right now no no no i would never know but the funny you mean you would never i went to arizona listen to it's wednesday today oh okay and i went to Phoenix. Like, get dry. Oh, my God. So I'm sitting here with fucking stone to the gills. The podcast is over. And I'm sitting here.

And also I'm like, and I, oh, my God. And I put my finger in there and I can feel it. It's two, two and a half inches. And it's got a clam attached to it, like a nerve center, right? And I whip it out. You know what I mean? Don't even. Don't even.

And when you whip it out, it all mixes together like a scramble. And I stuck it in my mouth. and it was getting really good and something happened and fell out I got so excited he took he took one bite

I can't even he knows just talk about snot makes me want to make me want to fucking throw up yeah he took a bite and it fell on his shoe and he was looking

did it really wait he took a bite that's how big it was you took a fucking bite it was delicious oh my god it was like a cocaine

snot with the it had juice in the middle like that You used to put him on your tongue and just fucking wave them out there. Oh, I love those things. And how do you think it got on his foot? I think you were doing that to me. Oh, my God.

You know that makes me want to fucking grow up all over the place. You should have seen this poor bastard. Oh, my God. I've never seen someone eat a burger like that right? Has he put one on you? No, but. A couple times. He don't know.

takes the shirt home. I was just what to say? Do I, like, maybe that I don't have it. I know, oh, but that booger, oh, my God. The booger is like. So anyway, let me tell you about this. Because this is, because you're going to relate to this

to this world. Now, I'm doing my thing, but I'm creeping. And I wasn't doing a bad job. I'm 19 years old. I took nine credits in college at the Colorado Mountain College. I made some moves, Joshua.

That right off the bat, I picked up like three, four grand. Like, I did two moves solo. And I'm like, Purdue. Like, I did this Labor Day thing. Everybody's at the barbecue, and I just walked on the door. And there was a deposit bag for a fucking... Stop it. I swear to God, 83.

I let, like, I started my... Like, I started... When I got there, I had like two grand. After the apartment, the whole thing, I was down to 300, but I had a job. I'd signed up for three credits. I bought a bunch of groceries like $500 worth of groceries that first grocery Yeah good grocery and I'm like let's see what happens fourth of July was kind of meek You know, you know what by the way you could always tell when you just came into some money because the first thing you did was buy groceries

Okay dude always was good for groceries got to do groceries Yeah, yeah yeah always good for gross so I'm I'm I'm fucking I if you got it you got it if I come up oven you got a turkey burger and I eat it right. Next time I stop and I see a steak I'll get it for you. You know what I'm saying? Whatever. So, I got this apartment with Jimmy Berkel and we're sharp. We're making salads every night.

We're getting different types of weed every night. There was a dude that just, we just told you get good weed, just bring it over. Don't worry about the money, just bring it over. The money will be here when you get here. So every night, as soon as we're about to eat, we're here. Every fucking night, as soon as, like

if we were cooking like a steak, Yeah. And listen, brother to brother, you know, I ain't going to lie to you. I would get off the bus, and I would walk into the city market, and I would buy like a jar of peanut butter, but I'd have a pillow case. Yeah. And I'd take two steaks, a package of Oscar Maya salami, a head of lettuce. I would pay for the head of lettuce.

I would pay for the mayonnaise. I would take the two lobster tails, the two steaks, and I'd buy like Heist-Temex. And I'd walk, and I'd go up and talk to the owner. How are you doing with the lobster? the tails and the steaks in the bag. And I go home and we cook fucking salad with Oscar Meyer with the Italian vinaigrette and the whole thing. I mean, we did this every night, the same fucking meal. That's how crazy I was.

But every night, as we were going to go cut in the fucking steak, there was this guy Ken. He was from Ken Turkey. And he just showed up. Ken always just showed up. Oh, my goodness. Is that a steak? Last time I had myself a steak, it was a beautiful summer day,

and he would just go on for, is that a bong? Is that man, I haven't smoked marijuana and so long, my lips are starting to get. And he would have an anecdote for everything. And I would tolerate him because I'm a comic. You know, at that time, I didn't know anything. But comedy, but he made me kind of laugh.

But my buddy didn't fucking like him at all. And he would always say, fucking Ken, what the fuck? You know, get the fuck out of here. and I go on, you know. Yeah. So this went on. No one would knock on my door. That's crazy.

No, no, no. He lived upstairs and he always wanted to know what you were doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he always invited you to something. Man, there's a party up in the bar with the band's cracker. Yeah. We'll go up there, pick up some bitches. But when you got up there, he always looked his wallet at home.

There was always a dilemma with Ken. There was a by the way. Ken didn't bother me at all. Ken didn't bother me at all. You know, there was times. that he would come down, I cut the steak and half and give it to Ken. There was times he bothered him.

You know, like he got my nerves by telling me a long story about Kentucky and shit. And this one on. And this went on for about a year and a half. And I like Ken. So one fucking day, now, we lived in the basement and Ken live,

it's like the office under here. And he lived in the office on top. And there was a balcony. And one day Ken comes in and he shows me, Let me show you something. And he shows me his brand new helmet. Helmet?

Yeah, like, well, helmet. And he goes, yeah, didn't I tell you? Like football helmet? No, I'm a bicycle rider. Man, I'm sad. What do you think I go on the weekends? I ride bicycles. And he's telling me all this shit about his bicycles,

and he shows me his new 10 speed with his fucking cleats and how he's going to run up and down the hill. So I said, where did you get this? He's telling me it's a $3,000 bike. and all this shit and I go so come downstairs tell me about this

yeah I go tell me about this fucking thing and he goes well my my granddad passed and he left me like 20 large

and and you know he left me a note to enjoy myself and I by reckon I enjoy myself and I bought a bicycle

on a helmet and goggles and I bought some dessert and I bought some groceries and I said so Doug what's the story? I'm not if Uncle Joey a little something, something, a bag of weed, something. I mean, two years. This was just like, and I didn't, the other guy would get mad. I thought the guy could be. He's been coming to your place for two years.

Two years. Every fucking day at 6.30 on Sundays and not even a rolling paper. And then he would go home to Kentucky. You wouldn't see him for a month. So I just asked him on that go Kentucky, what's the story? You know, buy a bag of dope, bring it down. He's like, man, I can't do it. I only got, like, $800 left. I go, you got $10,000 and $8,000 left.

He's like, oh, yeah, I bought this bad-ass jacket. I'm wearing that tonight. Right, and I'm like, oh, really? I go, go, go, go, kick a fucking, get a stake for me and Jimmy. He goes, nah, man, those days were old. And he just blayed out and sold us. And Jimmy's like, we should just beat the fuck. I'm like, let's let him go out.

Oh yeah Because he had that bike there didn't he No I was like to take the rest of his dough I know he was cheap And he wasn't gonna take it Oh he was gonna hide it And after I

No because I didn't I had just insinuated to him That he should Jesus Christ buy a fucking bottle of beer And he got all offensive And that's when he left And I was like look at you're right Jimmy He goes I told you he's a piece of shit

I go all right And Jimmy didn't say none of it I just said I was like I had a rough week I got to go to bed I got to go to bed and I stayed up I waited for this motherfucker to leave it was a Friday night I heard them whew and fucking get in the car and go to Asman they were going to Asman I went out there and made sure they got on the road and I went right to work I want to see if his windows were open nothing the ones in the kitchen I was like god damn I had to go around the back he lived a level up thank God I

was in shape. I took a couch. I put a chair on top of the couch. You look at the balcony? Oh, you know I did, motherfucker. I put the thing on top of that. And I fucking climbed up to the balcony and sure in money, he left the sliding door open. Or maybe not. I think I had to go in there. I was that good in those days. If you had an apartment in that complex,

I was getting in. I knew all the ends because I practiced on my own apartment. What do you think you're dealing with me? Jimmy was an engineer. So he gave me every, angle. I had every way to get into every door. You practiced on your own apartment. Every door. I had every door down. Any door you had. We had a tool to get into any door in that complex, whether the key was on this side or the key was on that side. I had the master to the top. This is, it was we knew how to slide the fucking door out. If you had two kilos or something, I'd slide the whole sliding window up. You know me. We knew all that. We were prepared for all that. Plus, I had,

I had a dude. At that time, I was taking electrical courses. And there was a dude. Electrical courses? Yes. For what? To be an electrician? I was going to Colorado Mountain College.

And you had to take like history and a fucking math. And then you had to take like an elective. And my friend said, take the residential wiring, bro. You'd get a job at Aspirant Electric. And they paid like $10 an hour. So I got a job at Aspirin Electric. I did really well. I wired a house.

And I got their job. And they put me on a truck with this. dude from Minneapolis and I started talking to the dude man and the dude was the real fucking deal right the guy you stick me to his house and the great wife you know from time to the time we'd smoke a joint you know what was I talking about you were talking about breaking in to Cairns apartment we became friends yeah everyone was an electrical situation I go to him and he told me exactly how to fucking kick a system down what it was you know how to do it I was in a different realm when I was up there at 19

because this was what I wanted to do. And now here I am, in it, I was in it. I had two different ways to go in your house. The stuff around the, but I was shitting them where I lived. That was the first lesson I was learning that I was getting, I was getting, there was, you know, there was ABCD, the EF, there was like six, it was like nine or ten buildings. I was getting one person in every building.

But they were all semi-coke dealers so nobody could say nothing. Right. I wouldn't get them for a lot. I would set them up for like a three-day, boom, boom, boom, boom. One ski season came. You're out of the house. Wait, you didn't take everything? Why?

Well, who are they going to call if they were selling Coke? So let's pretend you got three ounces of Coke in the house. Yeah. I go to your house and take a half ounce of the clean stuff. So when you come back from skiing, you're like, hmm. What the fuck happened? I had that much time. I had that much time.

So what did you get out of Ken's apartment? So out of Ken's apartment, well, no, but Ken's apartment was tough. He knew. At that time, nobody knew what I was doing, but he had an idea. He used to tell me, man, somebody around his burglary, and he's a lot of them. I don't know, yeah. And I would go, that's fucked up.

And then I went into his pad, I mean everywhere. The bicycle, I looked behind the bicycle. There was a pouch. Yeah. I looked everywhere. The closets. I went downstairs and I'm like, fuck, I didn't look in the bathroom.

And I went right back upstairs. I left the door open because I would hear him. I'd lock the door and then jump out of his back thing. It wasn't, in those days, I didn't care about a 10-foot drop. I was only 195. I could do a 10-foot drop all fucking day. So I said, fuck it. Let me go to his bathroom.

I went to his bathroom. looked in the shower, looked in his slippers, the fucking door. I opened up the candle. Not that he's got pills in that thing, but he's got those cans of band-aid. Chachu. Yeah. A little can of Band-Aid Lee, you know what I'm talking about? Look at Lee.

You don't even know. You know what the can of Band-Aid looks like. Now it's cardboard. Yeah. But back in the day it was metal. Yeah. The hard one. Yeah, they're the tin.

And back in the day, they didn't have the tin. It just sealed. Yeah. Bro, I opened it up. I looked in and there it was. Ben Franklin after Ben Franklin. How many? Eight of them.

But I knew it would break him. It was the last of his Gita. Did you take it all? Every single die. Now, if he would have bought a steak, I would have taken a deuce, just his tax and closed the seal. Yeah. If he bought a stake, you still would have broke in? Sure.

Just to test my knowledge. You know what I'm saying? In those days, I told you, I was 24-7. I had to test my knowledge. Even my brother Lee I would have gone into your room He's got $2,000 All in these $55

He ain't got to bother He ain't gonna bother me Yeah You know what I'm saying In my little dog Look at him So you got eight And did he come down to the apartment

The next day With a piece Of like a Scotts tape And he goes Diaz wake up Wake up man I got home from dancing last night And somebody broke into my goddamn house But

But I got a fingerprint off the balcony and I knew I wore gloves You know me I was in those days I had like the boxing gloves In the back

I had a Wait I had a I had a You broke and wearing boxing gloves? No what are you retarded? No I fucking

Had these That leaked out of you dude You were so Yeah it was like wait just like someone just poked in a hole and you were like what I would do in those days

you know I was really sharp in those days but at the same time very naive and stupid like I would do million dollar moves but then compliment it with the dumbest fucking thing in the world

and in those days all my stash was never in my house I learned as a young man that nothing things should be in your house ever, ever, ever. You kept shit at my house. No, no, no, no. When you live in the back? Right, but you got a gun.

You got to protect your children. You can't have your gun in my house. You can have it next to you in the bedroom, but if it's not your gun, and if somebody does come over and you want him to disappear, you got to have a gun that's clean. So some people just put the gun outside, wrapped, you know, they give themselves enough time. There's a thousand things that people do. In those days, I didn't believe in nothing. So I used to have a boxing bag outside.

Like a hanging bag? Right. So I would have a closet. In those days, this is how, Josh Wolf, this is how easy it was. In D12 in those days, like, let's say your door was D12. D12, you went downstairs, you opened D12. Hi, how are you doing, Josh? But next to D12 was a door.

That was your personal closet for skis, ski boots, luggage. Oh, so people get valuable shit down there. God, you know, you would be surprised how many people would say, you know, like fucking car keys. I left, yeah, like it was just crazy. It was very naive. But let me tell you, my, like, I would have the boxing gloves. Like, I didn't have boxing gloves in those days.

I had the ones that Joe Weeder makes with a little piece of metal in the middle. I would have those. Yeah. But inside those, I would have to rubble my thief gloves. You're found a woman? Yeah. boy next door next to me was a painter and he had those rubber gloves that he used for whatever so i always had covered even then i always had a cover i had my little thief gloves that back to that

somebody came back then so what are these oh this is what i put under here in the cold weather oh they're okay we don't need to look at those these are the ones you're looking for these are the oj gloves yeah that's the fucking j Jedi mind trick wait you okay first of all so the trick to being a good criminal let's see if i have i'm getting this right is you never took everything, right? So. No, no, because that's where I was living and that's my thought at the time.

But you even did that when you went into stores, man. When you went into stores was genius to me, was that you were like, oh, you have to buy something. If you don't buy something and smile at the people when you're buying something, then they're going to assume you're stealing shit. But you all, when you stole something, you always fucking bought something with it.

I had it down to a sign. Yeah. They're looking at this hand, this hand that count. I remember going to a record store in the late, now, early 80s, going to a record store, and I'll go from bin to bin and get the albums I wanted. Bha, Cars, Sapplin, Scorpions, Barbara Streisand, whatever the fuck, I'd get, like, six albums. And I put them right there. And the guy would be watching me, man.

And I'd be smiling. dog black Sabbath sabotage dog e l o dog dog fucking emerson lake and palmer dog you know and i'd be throwing names and ta ta ha ha ha and lea and hugging you let's do it bro let's buy the be those let it be three ways what the fuck you're talking yeah three ways you'll keep it friday sat just just and meanwhile the whole time i'm saying you know there's six albums right there we're gonna buy three albums blah blah bye three albums they're gonna give us a bag that's

thick they're gonna go one out but my bag separate No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I'm going to go, yeah, yeah, because now we've got three different ways to steal. We got three different ways that somebody... So the first one, all you got to do is turn around and pick those albums up like this, and then turn them around. And there you go. You just walked out of a store with albums. What do you mean?

Did you see the move? No. Okay. So the six albums... Where's the album you bought? The album I bought is in my hand. He's about to give it to me. Okay.

Give me that bag of stars. he's about to give me the bag you can't tell what's in here and what's not in here yeah okay he's about to give me the bag he gives it to me this is going to be a theatrical move because as I'm pulling back from him

Lee is giving him three albums so in those days the counter was here I would even go like this take a beat and go Lee pay the man and look at the bag right there so the bag would go over the albums

and there'd be a security guard watching over there, he'd be watching that way. As I popped out and walked out, it would be covering the three albums that I took or the four albums. Now, listen, if you don't start a YouTube channel where you just shouldn't teach people... No, but this would not work today.

No, because of cameras. Because a cameras. A camera ads. Look at all the shit they're picking up. Yeah. You want TV and that? No, it's hard to steal shit from. Forget stealing.

Forget what's going to happen. And, you know, drug dealing. You know, they're going to have people that are going to go, where did this go down? Wait a second, Joe. Whoa, Josh, Wolf. So you went to buy drugs and somebody shot at you here. Where did this go down? It went down on LaBreya and the sunset.

Hold on one second. Give me LaBrea sunset. What time does go down? Oh, yeah. Camera, yeah. 1058. Camera. Camera.

They're going to have Google Earth printed up for you with the whole sequence go down. where the bullets came from, what they're coming up with, your world is going to get shattered. All these people who think they're cute. You're done. They're going to have a fucking, it's virtual communism.

You have to assume. How would you right now get around the cameras? So if you're, if you were doing it now, how do you get around the cameras? You don't get around the cameras. Now the young people are tapping into what you are. Take it from there.

And take it from that, I assume. I assume who's going to do anything? What can you do today? What can, we were talking about travel checks. Well, we couldn't, we couldn't have stolen that safe that we stole. Okay, right, but we couldn't do. We couldn't do travel checks. You couldn't do travelers checks.

Nope. Cameras, and they're immediate now. They're immediate. Yeah, you know what? They're immediate. Because we used to steal shit like out of our neighbors, garage. You know, bikes and whatever. You have to assume people have a link to their computer.

Yeah. It cost them what later? Put a link in your computer. What do you mean a link in your computer? Like right now, how much would you? I know you have alarm here in the cameras. If somebody breaks the door, they're on for, you can get one for like a couple hundred bucks now. Yeah.

And it goes to cost you a month compared to signing up at a hard, because the beauty of it is them doing it and you're having them. And you're having them from two or three different angles. Yeah. I was talking to a cop one time. I go, how's that work now? He goes, you see it. It's like the cops got caught, eating the edibles. Completely different.

Do you remember there was a cop that we used to hang out with in Seattle, that big Hispanic dude. Remember that dude who held you back from beating the shit out of that guy? Yeah, yeah, the Puerto Rican dude. He reached out to me. I forget to tell you that. Do you remember that dude? The last thing I remember seeing him is him basically bought.

Remember you were going to beat the shit out of that dude who slap around reading the face? Yeah, it was terrible. Young kids and shit. Puerto Rican dudes Yeah Yeah Yeah yeah yeah

Yeah It's a shame that We couldn't go back up there And do like a fuck I mean is the underground He was the underground He was the underground anymore No

The new underground is Terrible It's not where the old one is No that you know when the earthquake came That fucking shut down So what's there now I don't even know what's that Somebody just sent me a picture of you

Not of the new Not of the old underground Fuck That's when the earthquake came The Phoenix Underground the Comedy Underground, that whole side get fucked up. All those buildings got fucked up. So the Phoenix Underground moved across that homeless park,

and so did the comedy underground. They both did. And the new Comedy Underground is, eh. And what's there now? Like, what is at that block map? Nothing. You know Billy retired. Yeah, somebody on that Twitter, they sent me that view.

And it said the Comedy Underground, and they showed the Korean place that. The Bim Bambat. No, not the Bim B'Bent Bap. Because they wouldn't show me that. See, they like the fucking bin-bang back. They showed me. They showed me the Japanese place.

It's just that they had walked into, I did oddball. I was telling you. Yeah, how was that? And you did oddball. Yeah. Now, who is the headliner? Sebastian. Sebastian was the headliner.

Yo, he is a fucking bad. No, wait a second. No. Beside that, who was the real. headlined. Sebastian. John Oliver. Yeah.

And they said that there was a few places where Sebastian would go up, say good night, and also have to cry. I will get up with him. They left. No, they did. It's the Northeast.

You're talking to Jersey and Philly and New York. Like, yeah. I mean, John Oliver had to be the headliner, but. I heard that. Let me tell you something. He's, who headline when you did it?

Dane. But I didn't, you know, listen. I don't want to wait. That's the deal with being a... Oh, did you ever see it? Fuck, no. That was the... Like, when I got that week, I told my age,

and they go, they're going to reach out to you, and I go, I'm way ahead of you. Yeah. I put it together. What do you think? Put this deal together. Me, that's who. And next thing, you know, I go,

don't take a hosting gig. And he goes, no, it's 20 minutes. I was like, okay. And then when I got it, was 15 minutes. You fucking... By the way, 15 minutes of you? No, I couldn't get it. That timing, it's too big.

That's those big places, dog. You don't like them? Nah, I get the scourge right from the fucking jump. You do? Yeah, but sadly, I got a little better. I got a little looser. What is it about the big place you don't like? Just I get anxiety.

I'm an old man. I get anxiety. I want to just, listen, I want to take it back to 140 people. You know what I'm saying? That's a lot of people that when you turn into. Even when I did the goddamn comedy jam, I got the worst anxiety I had. Do you get anxiety before you go on stage? Yeah, I think they're going to prescribe new pills to me that don't give

me drowsiness. Wait, wait, wait. Every time you go on stage, you get, what do you get? Like jitters? No, no, no, no. It's at the earthquake. We were on an earthquake call.

Alert for the last three days. Nothing happened. No, nothing. I even took all the books down on my house. Something's going to happen now. Something's going to happen because we're doing a podcast. We were already. Is it going to wake him up?

We've already had two fucking earthquakes. Is it? No, you get anxiety. Do you get like sweats and shit like that? What happens? I just get a But your knee and shit Has always bounced, dude

You've always shook the fucking No, no But that was a different thing This is This morning, dog You want to hear this Let me tell you what true anxiety is Are you ready for another start?

Yeah, he's just making noises now I mean, you're literally Like, I don't know if you think you're saying But you're just making noises right now You ready for another one, Doc? No, I'm okay So I mean You listen

You got him to the point Joe Diaz where he's just making noises Not even like a real person Yeah that noise And you What time do you start taking 11 stars When are we got here Two o'clock Two o'clock

Two 30 I was good today I was busy I had to go fucking give the doctor blood Who's gonna go in there high I fucking end up on the floor You know what? the first edible that got me

fucked up and it was that day with you on Sunset Boulevard you might. But it was one of those breast strips. Oh yeah, we used to get fucked up on those. Oh yeah, that breast strip fucked me. I haven't found those anywhere. No, they're done. The company went under. Supposedly then they came back.

You know, these people come and go because it's a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep them going under. Yeah. Broken glass everywhere. So, what are the my favorite ones the first time Joey ever took me on the road

that we were in the green room and a chicken sandwich just came so he ate it. It ended up being the middle at middle sandwich and he got it every night. The middle sandwich? Or the middle sandwich. The opener sandwich.

And he got it every night and every night took it. But that is, I'm telling you, that is what, that's, to me, that's what that kind of shit keeps you going. Like, you love torturing people and just little things. Not like a huge deal, but just little things where you'd like to make a little crack in somebody's armor. Every fucking.

Just a tiny one. Until they fucking just collapsed. Like, to me, that's the genius of you, dude. That is the genius. Nobody I've ever met does that better than you. One, bite out of a sandwich. Just enough to make the guy go, what the fuck? Right?

That is your fucking wheelhouse. If someone says, what is the true skill of Joe Diaz, I would say you do that better than anybody I've ever met in my life. You fucking, and you like the long game, too. I was going to say, persistence. No, he doesn't. Every night. It doesn't need to happen right away.

And he'll play like seven or eight long games at once. And sometimes he'll forget he's playing one. And then somebody cracks and you're like, oh, I forget I did that shit. That is your fucking wheelhouse, dude. my god i mean that i have watched you crack people gradually over the left that's been one of the joys of my life dude you you you know you fuck would be rod long oh come on ron long was this fucking hysterical comic that was very you know artistically took pictures yeah but we used to tell him that uh what's his name used to steal his jokes count hopkins count hopkins

I mean, that was a slow game, dude. You used to tell them every phone. I fucking saw Count Hopkins do any of your jokes again. We wouldn't even go that around. See, this is Count Hopkins to the third. First off. I mean, yeah. Count Hopkins the third, man.

Now, all it takes, let me show you the analogy of the whole thing. Yeah. Okay. This is all it takes. All it takes is for me to be home on a Monday night, watching Monday night football. And the next day I called Josh Wolf and I go, Josh, what's up? Nothing.

First thing Joshner said, what happened to you last night? Oh, nothing. I went out. I stayed home. I got high. Oh, my God. You missed it. Lisa Act cracked the fucking new bit.

Gavin got Hammond. Finally, what's his name? Fuck that chick. He fucked her right in the bathroom. No, come on. She finally, oh, fuck. She was going to fuck me. Remember like the result?

And all of a sudden, you go. But the funniest thing I'm it. Rod Long. Thanks to Count Hopkins III stole this joke. Okay. That's all I need to go to work. Yeah. That's all I need to go to work.

Just a colonel. That's all I need. So now. I just imagine he in the Cambridge. Oh. No, this went down. This goes down. This goes down Saturday night.

But I see Rod Long. Josh tells me the story Sunday morning. I see Rod Long Sunday night, and I don't say nothing. That's how my professional I am. I don't say nothing to him. In fact, I give him a hug. What's up? How are you doing?

I give him a hug. Nothing. Oh, you want to smoke a joint? Throughout the conversation, I don't mention it. Monday I see him. And again, in my mind I got to let him simmer I got to let him cool down a little bit

I got to take him out of there I got to take him because if I attack him when he's gone it doesn't mean nothing I got to let him forget all about it now Tuesday I purposely bump into him

in an open mic I don't care whether I got to go there or not I don't care I got to go there to the plant the seat that's a great thing I purposely bumped into oh yeah oh yeah

this is it So now I saw, now the incident went down Saturday. I saw him Sunday and Monday, and I didn't say who gots to him. I treated him like a regular gentleman. No, you were actually overly nice to them. Now Tuesday I see him. And I go to him, what's going on, man? No, like, hey, that bit, that's your bit, right?

You do that bit, right? You go, what bit? The bit about the fucking thing with the sports cancer, he hit the home run over the toll? That's you, right? You had me in tears during the night. Yeah, yeah, that's me. Right there, I got him. Bam!

I got him locked into a bit. It could be any bit. It could be any bit. He's trying to brush me up, and now I got him. Now, I give him a night to think about the bit, because if he's real, he's thinking about the bit. Now when I pop him Thursday, pop him heavy.

I'm not even saying that until I'm going to just ask him if he knows who Con Hopkins is. That's a slower. Yeah, it's a slow cook right there. You know what Con Hopkins is. Why? Why? He's doing that joke?

You heard? What joke? I didn't say nothing. I didn't say nothing about no joke. What if Colin Hopkins ends up getting beat up one day? He was not going to beat him up, and Colin Hopkins was never going to be where he was going to be. It was fucking hilarious. But that is the bet. It was hilarious. Listen to me. No. What about the time I got in the van with him in Seattle and came all the way to L.A. and back.

And every about four and a half hours, I'd man, Chacompey. Count something, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I know. Here's the best thing. Oh, my God. Is what, what I, I know you would wake up in the morning and be like, how am I going to fucking get him today? Oh, my God. There's just people that you go.

No, that you can get. But that's, I'm telling you, there's never big, because what, the best part about you is, you are a slow cooker. Like, you don't, you're not rushing the meal. You're fucking, you're, you're, you're, you're, and you're saying. And you set it up and you are, you'll play the slow game until it fucking kills it. Lee and I have been discussing advertising sales a lot lately. And I've been telling Lee that in your life as a salesman. I mean, you know, there's two types of salesman Lee.

There's people who go to college and come out and go sell for somebody. And all of a sudden they have a stellar year. But they go tell somebody and somebody goes, don't, that would have got, what did you make with them? This would have got you this on your own. Get out of that. And there's people who go now they become fighters. they have rates and they have the whole thing. But you catch them November,

all that shit goes out the window. The fourth quarter, all that shit goes out the window in more ways than one. Sometimes it goes in your favor and sometimes it goes against your favor. But, you know, this time of the year with podcasts being advantageous for habit,

I go, Lee, you know, you got to go in there. And I just want to tell Lee in front of you, the time I got that fucking guy, the gamble. Till today, that was still one of my best works of art. At that time, I was chasing somebody else out of work of art. I got arrested with this kid in Boulder, and we both went to Summit County, and he got a court because he took the cops for 30 grand to a house, and he told him to wait outside, and he went and had a car in the back.

What? And they couldn't even get through. Like they had flat tires when they went to get him. Like he had a plan the month in advance, but he got busted and he did this two nights. He caught him. It was a sales package. Like they would, nobody else would go for it but the cops. Yeah.

In 1987, I met a white dude in Summit County jail that showed me a paperwork, and we all laughed. And people were like, dog, this guy's in the record books. Like, the feds come here once a week and, like, fucking smack him in the mouth. He took the feds on this fucking wild trip where he goes, going to that house. I'm going to go in that house and get him for fucking four kilos of coke and two machine guns. Give me 80 cash. They gave him any cash.

Craig Glazer. He walked right in on the other side. His girlfriend was waiting for him and here, River Dirty. Now, this is when he was 22. Now, when I bumped into him, he was 32. They had caught him in like New York or something like this. It was a tremendous story. They had

offered him rights. The whole fucking thing. I mean, you just... That's crazy. But what's the one that you were talking about him? The guy they said that was your best work. Were you got a dude to gamble? When I got the dude to gamble with you that time, that we were, me and you were just fucking around. And we met him at somewhere else.

I met that dude somewhere else. And I sold him on a comedy show first. We were talking about what he did, and we were talking about what I did. And he was talking about telecommunications. I got a guy for a phone, too. Oh, you don't remember. I was walking around with a phone towards the end.

And he finally came through a show and took it from me. Oh, yeah, dog. I had a guy for a phone. You had to sell 10 accounts. I didn't sell shit. I just called people. How are you doing? Come on, though.

No, I sold accounts, and that's why he gave it to me. Then he gave me more minutes the second. You left in September. By December, I was running a one-man operation. That dude, who you got to gamble. How much you think you put in total? I took him for about 12, 13,000 in three weeks, and he was lucky as fuck.

Like, he, I met him. We talked about gambling. I sucked him in. Then I sucked him in again. And then I told him I couldn't do it. Then I couldn't do it. Then I couldn't do it. And then I got him for a phone.

I got him on a Monday night football. And then I got him for a phone system. And I wouldn't tell him what the phone system was for. Remember on top of Labo, local I had a 1-800 number. Yeah, I do remember that. I had people calling from Russia. Hello, hello, I want to three winners tonight. I was rocking up there, Lisa.

That is right. You had the 1-800 number. Lysayette, you fucking killed him. 13,000 in three weeks. And I had him going, and I had a judge. Why do you call, why did you say he was lucky? Remember I made you walk me to the thing to get the Western Union under somebody's name? That's how we were doing it.

with Western unions. Lee, please. You have no fucking idea. We walked all the way up to... But wait, why do you say he was lucky? Because he was going to go out for 87,000. I got him for 87,000. Wow.

That dude. We set him up perfectly because the last time, we set him up so much, he kept saying, I want to meet the main man. Yeah. And you were like, I can't do it.

Yeah, I can't pay you. Listen, you better fucking pay me because they'll have helicopters he is shooting you in the fucking. head. I want to meet that and all he wanted. He kept calling to the main man. All he wanted was to, I built this guy up in his head. I told him it was John Gotti. It was Tony. It might as well have been Tony fucking soprano. It was still 1990. I was trying to sell him John Gotti. This guy was buying the whole thing. He runs there. I think this guy could have been a cop now in hindsight. No. There's a couple nights, bro. There was a night about three years ago. Yeah. That I got together. and I made a list of the people that after 10, 15 years, I finally put together. These guys got up in cops that I foiled.

Like in the very beginning, like they didn't know what they were doing. Like I actually thought of writing the book about this. I got 10 of those things. Where they didn't know who they were dealing with. They thought it was some dummy and they left 20,000 around. That's why he wanted to meet the main man. Yeah. Yeah, like they thought that I was the bottom, bottom wrong, like, this guy ain't going to meet.

You know, there's, I'm telling you, I have like 10 stories that I've outlined that are so interesting of cases where I know one for a fact. What happened? I know one for a fact. I was, in fact, it goes back to this golfer. What golfer just died? Arnold Palmer. Honopalmer. My friend used to cook for Arnold Palmer whenever he came to ask him.

That guy was a Coke fiend. He's still just making noise. I used to sell him Coke all the time. I'm just talking that Arnold Palmer's like barely in the ground. He's like he's the Coke. This is 1985. I'm banging out with this kid. I'm giving him his name is Randy.

He's a good dude. He's dead now, right? God rest in peace. And he would come to me to buy package. He's cool, solid. Always helped me out in the beginning. Well, now it's 87. He comes to me when they go, dog, you know, little people?

They buy a lot of blow. They live up in Aspen. And I fucking, and I go, really? They want to buy it snowmash. Aspins is where the Columbian lives, but these, right? Yeah. And I could see when they came. They came the first time they were cool.

The second time, I'm like, go outside. And I can be saying, I don't want to go outside. Let's go outside. Let's go outside. So after they left, I let them go. And about a day later, I got up like at the 6th in the morning. And I got in my car. And I went to the bottom of snowmass.

And then I cut it up. and I cut a left and I went back to the top a different route and they couldn't pack up and on the way down I could see the fucking telescopes and shit so I knew what time it was so now I had to play these guys out and they would call me up hey what are you doing we need two ounces what I can't hear you click there was no cell phones then this is 85

and they would come to my house and try to come in and I go what do you want they go you know we want two ounces how much for two ounces I go I don't know what you're talking money they go come on let's go outside and that's what they had like I now I know yeah yeah outside yeah there was that case there was a case and did you but they know you never sold anything to them but you ever got any money from them then who from the those guys the guys that wanted you to step outside oh yeah I got them for money before that oh before one time but then

I realized what was going on it it was too easy that what they were saying was amazing yeah me and my wife we like to party we'll buy two three grams eight balls a knife from you it was just too easy and sure enough when i left when i went back to boulder i bumped into something they go those people got caught because she was stealing from the town she was an accountant so the cops made her go out and sell coke buy coke from people and i knew something was they were not right they were not right my wife no anytime someone says my wife likes the party yeah my wife wants the party nope you know something was wasn't right. And then there was another guy who gave me money until this day. He was like a Fed that gave me his own personal money.

When was that? Most of this shit happens in Denver, right? New York. Yeah. This guy fucking kept calling me and saying, I gave you. You went to the bank with me. You saw where I, I got it from, what am I going to do? And it was gone. It was gone. It wasn't, not even a suitcase. I had sold the suitcase, the toothbrush in it.

Why didn't even have the money in your possession? Under an hour? Two days. Like eight days. Oh, okay. And he just panicked. Yeah. He panicked.

The move was in. You know, all he wants, listen, all those people want to see is a package. A little package with a big package and something for them to go. And the cocaine buys their minds for another week. So if I tell you, the deal you're in is a five-kilo deal, and you come over to the house and I show you three ounces, and I give you a little bit out of that bag, and you're like, that's not cute.

Come here. Shut up. The rest is in the bag. See that guy standing there? There's 200 on the investment. Take a hike. that's it you're gonna go to the bar and go dog i got paid on my investment it's the best coke i've ever taken in my life you know it was just a scam and if you didn't know it you're

fucking retarded you know if you didn't know it you gotta be fucking retarded like that but that has to be the attitude when you're scamming somebody that has to be the it was just and it was just it was such a funny time but you that's a thing listen that all goes back to so you can't do that anymore. So the way you get people is just by breaking their spirit. No. Right? Do you know what I mean?

Like that? It's amazing. In 91, me and my wife break up. In 92, I start dating this girl and she introduced me to a whole new world of people. And that world of people is a bar. And I meet other people. And I meet this guy, and he's telling me, man, I'm going to make an investment in the marijuana trade.

And I'm like, oh, geez. And he was like a KKK guy that wanted to invest in the marijuana trade, for real, way before medical and all this shit. You know, did I know he was KKK? I didn't know for sure. But there was something about him. He had money.

The hood. He got a station wagon. You know what I'm saying? Those guys always have a station wagon. Yeah. What the fuck happened? He gave me money. The rose.

And I fucking told you, he was like, eight grand. Now, this is 92. This had to be like September, 92. This guy gave me $8,000. And I disappeared. He called every... What did it? He leaked.

Good idea. He gave me $8,000 on a Friday. And I said, don't call me for about a week. I have the envelope for you. Nobody saw me after that. He didn't go into panic. more until about October. And then he went to full panic mode before the holidays.

You know, it was terrible. I disappeared. Where did he go? Who? You? Me? I went underground. I went underground right in front of you.

He would walk right over me every day. I was right on the ground. Fucking hilarious. And I was still doing comedy and he always missed me. I always called him when he was in the shower. They'd call me back and I wouldn't answer. So I'd pick up and hang up. I'd pick up and have me getting pledged to something like that.

It's just crazy shit that you do. I tortured him for maybe a year and a half, though. I didn't get him a dime. And I go to New York. I tortured him for so long. I forgot. It had to be three and a half of years. And one day I got a call from one of those girls from Boulder,

that she's in New York. You know, do I want to come over? and I go over there, check it out very cautiously. I end up having a great time with a... I fucking... Wait, this is in Boulder? This is now in New York City in 94. I hang out with this girl.

I sleep over house. I leave the next morning. I have a pager then. Oh, you had that pager. And as I'm going home. She pages me, and she goes, I just got a mysterious call. From that guy.

Like, Steve was his name. And I go, Steve, and she goes, yeah. She goes, he told me an interesting story that he lent you $8,000 from marijuana, and you never gave it to him. I go, no, I sent them to weed. I go, listen, give him my page number. And he goes, he says he has your page number that you never return it. And you always make up stories.

He says he's calling people. He's calling an attorney. This is a true story, bro. I fucking milked him for two years. He was right. I mean, it was like me, milk and Lee. You're right there with him. him every day. He would get to the bar and I would leave. I would tell the bartender I was there.

Come on, I left the envelope. Where? It was there. Torturing that guy. Are you, are you going to torture Rick Kerns this weekend? Yeah, hold on. Let me do some shout-outs and we'll get the fuck out of here. Ed Priolio, Armando Salgado, Sean Thomas, Neil Hardy, Raymond Maha, PJ Stern 9. Ray Majewski Fire goddess Beth over there in Columbus, Ohio Yeah, I'm going to have a good time at Columbus

with my main man Rick Kerns And then Tuesday I'm in fucking The comedy store again upstairs Trying that hour that there's no fucking closer No closer? Oh, not yet No, no closer yet. No, there's no closer yet

This is going to be the million-dollar fucking idea You could close with that joke No, listen, don't even put ideas in my head. Itchy ears. That means one's coming. No, no, no, no. You could close to that joke that you used to close with. What, with the helmet?

The bubbles. The... What was that joke? You know the fucking joke. I have no idea. Yes, you fucking do. I have no idea. The bubbles.

I don't know what you're talking about. Yes, you have. I love it. Yeah, tell him the bubbles, Joe. Hold on, I got to go pee, I'm going to bust the fucking nut here. And my fucking doctor hasn't gotten back to me. I'm having fucking anxiety. By now, I thought he had the results.

Turn yourself in. They're cutting your fucking asshole out of it. Lee. Yes, sir. Right now. what what right now is like going through your just your brain i'm doing okay i just uh i'm doing used to it now this is like a normal than this is no i just want to let you know when you said i'm getting used to it now like you didn't sound happy do you know what I mean you're like I'm getting it you

I'm just getting used to it now like that's what that's that's that's what that sounded like it's fun it's definitely fun it's um you don't go into it thinking this movie but we have a good time yeah man you look like you're having a good time fuck yeah like I was thinking about it like I was thinking about it like he he got here at like 2.30, we're taking the stars. And I was like, it's 2.30 on a Wednesday. Yeah. When I first moved here, 2.30 on a Wednesday,

I'd be in some stupid office doing some work. And now I'm taking stars. I know. On a 2.30 on a Wednesday and hanging out with Joe Diaz. Joe Diaz and Josh Wolf. Buddy, I mean, how far, like, the first time I met you, you ate like half of a Chebichu and lost your mind. That was, that was, that was, A lot of fucking stars ago.

That's a, oh my God. There'd be no way. Like, what would happen right now if you had to talk to Kevin Euclus? What would happen right now? I'd be a little bit more, a little bit more, uh, a little bit more, uh, oh, I can tell you, because you probably know who he is. I was in, uh, I forget where I was by Sanchonzie Billups. Oh, really?

Here? Yeah. Yeah. He was having an argument with some. if Fat Joe was in the rap hall of fame. I mean, does somebody actually know the answer to that? He didn't think he belonged in there, but his friend really thought Fat Joe.

Where is the Rap Hall of Fame? I don't know. Compton. Stop it. No, where can it be? Hey, who knows somebody at Compton? I don't know. Rap Hall of Fame.

Rap Hall of Fame. There has to be worn on the East Coast. Atlanta? There has to be one in Compton, Atlanta. You think Atlanta would be, if there's one on the East Coast, New York? Do you think it's like an official? Can you Google it? You have the Google.

I don't think they really have one. I bet you they have a rap Hall of Fame. No, they do. A hundred percent sure they have a rap Hall of Fame. Yeah, they do. Of course they do. Right? They have to.

I mean, I don't, where is it? There it is. Hip-hop Hall of Fame Museum. Where is that? I want to feel like I was just in the city. Maybe not Nashville But It's got to be somewhere

Southeast, I think No? Yeah What's wrong with the Google? I don't know. The website isn't really that great It's not It's not

All right. Well, it's on there. So, no, that was It was a pretty good day. You got that out of me there tonight. That was a good time. Joey. I don't know what.

the hell we ate, dog. I was tanked before. Tanked. Oh, you're gonna compare him, are you okay? Yeah, I was high dog. You were making me laugh. That was some funny shit, plus bringing all that stuff up, how you work people over. That guy, that poor guy. I know what his

name is. I don't even want to say it. And he pissed. You know what? Man, a lot of people got pissed in me because he reached out to a handful of people that were my friend. And he goes, listen, how can you be his friend? He took me for this. And then I took his friend for a mafia membership. A what?

And that guy called me until about four or five years ago. He must have lost his phone. A mafia membership? A mafia membership. He kept asking me, you know anybody in Brooklyn and I could talk to? I go, what do you want to talk about?

Yeah, because I think I want to join the mafia. You know, anybody I got talking. And finally, I got him. I go, what are you talking? I goes, well, I just need some help. I just want to join the mafia. What if I get you an application? I mean, it was just, I thought it was a joke.

You ever think something is your joke? And now you're like, you know what? They're so stupid. I have to do this. Because it's who I got to do this. Like you have to. So it was like two of them. And I felt so guilty for a lot.

Like I was, listen, I was on the other side. And the way I looked at it in those days. How much does a mafia membership go for? Like two grand. Come on. It was just, don't I'm telling you, when I tell you and Lee that I know, like, I tell Lee Lee, I know the other side sometimes.

because it's 24-7. And while you're robbing somebody, you're cultivating somebody. That's the beauty of it. There's three guys that you're cultivating. Two of them are already going to tell you no. But that one guy might say no, but you know what? I want to invest in your reefer company. Yeah.

You know, because you already know he's fucking stupid, and he's got an envelope, and he's burned a hole in his pocket, and he smokes weed. Okay, what about the CBD oil company? Let me get $30,000. and I'll put your picture with the thing. And next thing you know, you don't see nothing for six months. And what do you care?

How many people get ripped off every fucking year just because it's small amounts? Like in those days, I could take 10 people for $30,000. Each or total? Like each. That's $300,000 in today's America. You could do that. There's people that do that all the time. Oh, yeah.

But that's what we were saying earlier. When does it end? I mean, that's the disgusting thing. thing. But there's people who... But there's got always... You know there's always going to be somebody who's willing to give you money. That's it. There's always going to be somebody who's willing to give you money. In this city right here, you know, look at...

I mean, I know a couple years ago, I had a dear friend that got into a fucking movie. And he goes, you're not going to believe what they're paying me? And they go, what are they paying you? The scale plus 10. He goes, no, they're paying me this. And I go, what movie is paying you that? He goes, this guy got money from his dad. he got him for $6 million. Then they went back in, and they got him for another three for Post,

and he got Lindsay Lohan, the big black guy that died, and somebody else. It was crazy what they did to this poor guy. You know, you have no idea of people that listen to this, the people that come out here with dreams and desires. And money. And money. The movie I went to Jamaica and got fired. And then the guy had to pay me because I didn't know why the guy kept fighting

and SAG, because all the guy owed me was $2,200 a week for two weeks, and SAG wanted $40,000, with expenses and cost and court cost. For what? Because that's what SAG does. That's why it takes a long time for you to settle with me nine out of ten. Like, if I put a claimant, it's because SAG is billing me. SAG ain't billing you the two, like if, let's say I forget, let's say I don't pay your two-day scale. That's $1,300.

When you contact SAG, SAG bills done. and asked them 56, then says to them, and then let's say they say they go, why do we pay this? They go, well, because we're going to take it

to like a certain type of court. They take it to like some bullshit court. Oh, you have no idea. I found this out the hard way. I went two years without that money. I counted that money in that year. That was in my cocaine schedule.

And one day I called SAG. And SAG goes, well, it's in litigation. We got it. down to 10,000. I go, 10,000. Why 10,000? I'm looking for 24. At this point, get me 16. If you got me 16, I'm happy. Like, well, that'll never happen. I'm a two weeks away from Christmas. I picked up the phone. I called the producer, director. I go, what's going on? You know, this is Joe D.

Now, the real story with this guy who was, Josh. He owned the strip club in Baltimore or one of those fucking cities, and he fell in love with a stripper. And the deal was, you know, and the deal was, you. I'll give you my pussy. You make a movie. But you make a movie about me, and I'm the star singer, dancer, producer. But there was nothing there.

Every time she opened their mouth, somebody will stab themselves. They paid. They tried to get George Jefferson. Sherman Helmsley. And they got the black chick from Baywax that Gavin dated briefly. What?

What was the black chick from Baywax? from Baywatch. The Gavin dated briefly. The British? Yeah, the chick that lived, she was a piece of shit. She took money from Fat James and told him she was going to take him

around the world and eat his asshole. No. Fat James waited for her with a tuxedo on. God bless his soul and shit. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Gavin dated her? No, but that was one of the people of Gavin dated.

But it's just funny that you, a lot of people come here with, you know, I never, I could, At this point, listen, even for the last 20 years, I bumped into people that came to me. I just didn't have the heart because, you know what? I didn't want to deal with them all the way through. I saw what friends of mine did with people that came out.

I had a buddy who shot a movie with some people that just, because those people that showed with the envelope, they're great to the last meeting when they showed with their nephew, the director. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't tell him if he's a director. Tell him, and everybody's like,

you know, those guys always show up with something. They got somebody for the part of the star, and that's the fucking downfall. They always show up with somebody really bad, and that's a lot of people don't tell you. So that's when you go, well, do you still want the fucking money? I got the money for you, but he's got to be the director. And you're like, Jesus, fucking Christ.

It's fucked up, and people will do it. They'll sell their souls. Out here, it's hard enough to get a movie, man. It's hard enough to make a movie. So if Igor has to direct it, And Igor's got a director. Oh, my God. Nick the tour did a movie that Igor had a director.

And he had the comb over and the guy, oh, my God, it was terrible. And it was like, he was actually like, you know, Madam, like a, I can't describe who he would be like now. When I was growing up, he was like a certain actor that was like Italian. And he would do that type of shit. I couldn't describe who he'd be today. Hey, can you still, do you still know every check that's out there that's coming your way? From SAG. Because one of your things, like, you could come over to my apartment and you'd be like,

yeah, so I got this check over, you could name, I got two checks at the Comedy Store, I go one at the improv, I got three at the Laugh Factory. There's one that's coming from SAG. Yeah. Can you still do that? Yeah. You could be, and this is 240 and it's 58. Yeah.

Yeah. I got two more coming from the Bell and it's 50s. the belly room. I got one coming from that pet show with Anthony Anderson. I got one coming from the voiceover. I got one coming from... It used to fucking amaze me. And you knew to the

fucking day when they were going to be there and if not you were on the phone. I was on the check was supposed to be here. Unless you got it on a fucking horse on buggy. There's no reason why that check shouldn't be. Unless at the time fucking roller skates, there's no reason why that check shouldn't be. If this check was

a day... I know the timing. I know everything. If El Chola was late, oh, you were fucking hot. Because listen, you mail the check on why. I did the job on Saturday.

You emailed a check Monday. It should be here Tuesday, but let's pretend not. Let's pretend Wednesday. But let's pretend I bump into a 20 on Wednesday. When I get here Thursday, that check better be here on Thursday. When I come in here at 1 o'clock and open up this mailbox,

when that check wasn't there, and that would look deep. Oh, dude, you got hot. Oh, my God. Holy shit. If a check was. not there. The hand started pumping.

Nothing burns my crow more. No. When I got a check. And now I know how to control it. Like now I just ask my wife anything come. I already know what's supposed to come in the mail. Yeah. I'm way ahead.

I know exactly what's supposed to be in the mail. Every once in a while I get thrown off. Somebody throws a 10 day early in there. Oh, my God. I get sleep today. Woo. Yeah. Every check

It's ever been out there It's a man Yeah The Cuban fucking Jew Never sleeps Is fucking horrible Till you know You gotta remember

I didn't become Generous Till I was about 10 So I was about Eight When I understood Being generous To people

That didn't have What you'd had And then I fucking Gave it all away But until that time I would bite my mother's hand If she was going To take a coin

From me You understand Like, if I was sleeping and they were going to do something, I'd grab your fucking hair. I was ruthless. Ruthless. And now, as I get older sometimes, because of the shit we encountered out here during the years, like now you don't want to hear no fucking stories. Now it's like, listen, I came, I did a job for you, give me that fucking check.

Well, we have to count up the bonus numbers. Listen, count up the bonus numbers on your time. I know exactly what the amount is. You know what I'm saying? To the team. I've been counting the doors. Lee, show him. And I was like, I got Lee.

And Lee's like the 16 bonus tickets because then they hit you with those new things. Six of them were fucking group on. I saw they didn't get pickles on their platter. That's a group on. You don't get fucking pickles. Lee, give me the paperwork, cocksucker.

What do you got going on, Josh Wolfe right now? I know you want to start a show up at the house. I think it's a brilliant idea. Yeah. You should have been done a long time ago. I think it should be seven minutes. Yes, tops. Seven minutes.

Yep. And at the end, somebody always gets fucking shot. I saw your son yesterday selling memberships out there hustling, and I like it. It's the best thing he could ever do, because there's nothing better than stomach to stomach sales, especially out in the sun. It teaches you something. You keep them out there for 90 days. It's a lesson, and you can't take that from him. They could do something.

You know, God forbid, crack. whatever. At least they could sell newspaper applications. No, face-to-face is like... To face-to-face is the big fucking thing. And most people don't even have contact. These kids don't even have contact. So you wear watches, Josh Ruhl. I do not wear a watch.

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Cozy undies. All right, I got to go. I love you, motherfuckers. I'll be at the Columbus Funny Bone tomorrow night, Friday night, Saturday night, with the tremendous Rick Kerns. Next week, Tuesday night, I'm at the Comedy Works. Tickets are almost sold out, 8 o'clock show. But then Thursday, Friday, Saturday, my main man, Lee Syatt will be with me all next

weekend in Rosemont shooting the fucking special. We don't know what the name is. Soxley-Oke, socially awkward. I don't even know the fucking name. We'll decide next week. I love you guys. Josh Roof, thank you. Thank you. To find you. Thank you for coming on, my little brother. Happy Rosh Hashanah to you

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