The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #420 - Iliza Shlesinger

Episode Date: October 11, 2016

Iliza Shlesinger, comedian whose special, "Confirmed Kills" is streaming now on Netflix, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/10/2016.
  

Bidays are back. The Church of what's happening now would like to introduce you to hellotushy.com. Hellotushy.com makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water. Hellotushy.com slash church to get 10% off of your order. That's hellotushy.com slash church to get 10% off all of the great bidets. The show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use Code Word Church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like Alphabrain, New Mood, Schumtack commune and Schumtek Sport

The church of what's happened now Monday, October 10th, 2016 Eliza Schlesinger Lee Syatt Your Uncle Joey Nothing else matter Than a baby

Oh shit Such a hard song to sing Fuck it If I'm correct This is 81. That's what you're trying to fucking tell me. That's what they're saying. That's what you're trying to tell me.

Look this song up for sure. All right. I'm almost positive. It's 81 because I still remember hanging out on my undertaker buddy. And he loved this. It's a good song. And he would blast it to the shore

the way back to the shore. Well, it's one of those songs that I, when I decided to sing it, when I looked up the words, and it's one of those songs that you know you like, you hear it at karaoke, and you don't realize how many words are in this song. And it's such a hard song.

And it's such a hard song. It's a hard song. There were parts of it when I was singing. I was like, I'm just going to, it's going to sound shitty because I can't. Nor do I have to. But she's, it's pretty amazing. It was in 81. It was in the movie School of Rock.

I don't know if that means anything to you. No, I just remember this coming out and then the album, Bella Donna. This came out in an album called Bella Donna. And then she put, the first thing she struck with was Tom Petty and the motherfucking heartbreakers. When she left Fleetwood Mac, she had it timed. Yeah. She came out with that Tom Petty, and then she blasted this, and then she dropped Bella Don, and that was the end of the fucking game.

That's like showing up with two aces that are full fucking house. Bam. Yeah, stop dragging my heart around. Yeah. That was one of the most played videos on MTV. That was one in the beginning. I mean, you guys are kids. I'm just letting you know that when the whole MTV scene started.

Right. That was one of the pioneer videos. People would wait to see that. I just remember the SNL video. I was at SNL and Living Color. they did Stevie Nick's tacos. She was like, before, she's like, I'm into black magic and witchcraft

but I also love these tacos. It was crazy. And then she blew up to like, you know, she got really big and. Stephen, yeah. Yeah. I like that. I just like the song, just the one.

That rumors, the album you showed me, it must have been years ago. It's still one of my favorite. 75. Oh my God. I was in the eighth grade or something. You know, I still remember there was a girl that was a national baton

queen. And she had a party at her house and we went over there and she's like, you got to hear this. I'm like, what are you talking about? Fleetwood Mac? And my head almost blew up when she put on chains. Yeah.

All that shit Stevie Nix did with them was just brilliant. I never had an education in rock. My parents were divorced. And if I asked my father, I told my dad I sang the song. I was like, I never liked any of that Stevie Nix bullshit. He's like, he doesn't like that. He's got like original Boston records. Like three dog night, Jay and the Americans.

Like, that's his thing. But I didn't have a, to understand rock and roll at, from, my generation, you either have to be autodidactic or, like, you had an older brother that taught you about it, or your parents were super into it. But I'm from, like, the suburbs of Dallas, Texas, and I listen to Kiss FM growing up. So for me, like, I hear all this stuff, and I know it's a part of, like, the fabric of American culture. And I know the songs, but, like, I'm not a study, you know, so I always feel left out. I just grew up listening to the radio. There was a radio station in New York City that if you wore this, you know, I was a fucking geek Elijah when I came from Cuba. So I bought into

fucking system so wabc had a button and if you wore the button and they came up to you you won twenty five thousand dollars so you had to sit there and listen to the fucking songs and they would go okay we're in north hollywood so me and you would run the north hollywood with buttons and walk around like two dingbacks whatever the fucking people never won nothing they were never even fucking out not one time i go thank you for the 25 thousand someone out there like we gotta get rid of these buttons yeah no there were little buttons wabc yeah and they played like pop like it right like i still remember listening all night to hear betty and the jets

like that's what was on when i was growing up like helton john was the fucking king of music when i was a kid right and then they would go okay we're on 72nd street and broadway where are you and i would fucking run down they weren't there they're on a toilet fuck no broadcasting remotely from a bathroom i was a sucker for all that shit yeah in 1983 fucking m tv had a uh uh uh uh uh uh uh contest that if you won, you could go to Pat Benetton's wedding. Well, my plan was... To her wedding? To her wedding? Not invited to her wedding. Can you fucking believe this?

Are you flying there? They do the whole thing. M.T. V was going to fly. You and a guest. Would you ever do that for your wedding? Have like fans show up? Like, that seems like something that no one would rule. That's so horrible. You're a Brockstar. You don't have like a VIP section at a wedding? That's terrible. Fucking Pat Benettar was going to get married. in Hawaii. No. Yeah.

And she was going to have four people come on the wedding. And then they do a private concert on the beach of Hawaii. My plan was to fucking go down there. And when they say there's anybody... Having objections? Having objections to go fucking crazy and go, Pat, you can't get married. I love you and just be... You know what I'm saying?

This is why you don't invite fans. Right. To anything. To nothing. To nothing. I sent Eliza, I must have sent thousands of postcards. Postcards. Postcards of what?

That's what you had a fucking send? What's on the postcard? Hi, I'm Joe Diaz. No, on the back of it, the picture. What's it a postcard? Nothing. Blank postcard. It's a letter.

You're describing a letter. Just a little fucking postcard that you buy at stationary stores in the 80s. And it said MTV Studios, Piotr Box 64, 50, New York, New York. And then inside you had a write. Joey Diaz, I want to go to Pat Benatar's wedding for fucking every day I mailed it from different posts. You know me. I went to different angles. Different angles.

Yes, they wouldn't think it was the same. No, I kept from anything. There's probably so many Joey Diaz is out there. I was working for a bookie in those days. So on the way, well, I was working for the bookie, I'd do the fucking things. And then when I was going back on 118th, I'd mail him from different locations in the city. So if I would go to Harlem to pick up Coke, I would mail them from Harlem. Why are you taking it for different locations?

It's the same name. I don't fucking know, Elijah, because I'm fucking superstitious. You understand me? When you're super fucking stetious, you got to work it from every fucking angle. And it didn't pay off because at the end I didn't win the fucking contest. Do you think it's because you didn't stick with the one of the one? mailbox looking back no because because I'm the kiss of debt at the time if I would send it in today I'd be front row at Bennett's fucking wedding what did your friends

think of your friends like that doesn't seem like something your friends would be too supportive of you think I fucking told my friends you think I would even mention that to my friends go and then be like where you going you'd be like on a vacation I'm just yeah I'm going to Hawaii all expenses paid this happens these things happen and I was gonna take my friend stinky because he went everywhere with me that's who you wanted a wedding that's why I wouldn't have taken him to the wedding I said we I would have told him we're going to Hawaii and let him do whatever he'd do, and then I would have gone to the wedding by myself.

Yeah. Listen, when Pat Benatar's getting married, you could talk any woman on the island to do anything with you. When you're on an island, I can walk up to you and say, Eliza, I'm bored. You're bored. Pat Benetton is getting married. You want to come? You're like, you know what, man, I'm on vacation. You know what?

I'm on my honeymoon, but let's go. Yeah. Who cares? Like, hon, I'm just going to go with him? Where would you like to go for your honeymoon when the beautiful day happened? I don't know what, and I think you can attest to this. I travel so much as it is. You don't want to do dick.

I don't want to do anything. I come home and I like you so much. You're like, come to the valley in the beginning of the work week. And I was like, I'll go for you. But I have family in Santa Monica I don't see on like major holidays. I know, Eliza, please explain to the people. When I emailed you, you have an email response that comes back saying, listen, I got a dog. I work out.

I write. I sing, I dance. I'm fucking busy. Cuck sucker. Okay? If I don't get fucking back to you, don't be mad at me. This is my assistant's fucking address.

Send them a call and I'll get back to you whenever. I love you. Have a good day. God bless you. It's the best way to do it. It's the best way to do it. To have it up all the time, you're an asshole, but I happen to be doing a lot of things right now.

And I'm on a very personal basis with everybody that books me on the show. I'm not a dick. Like, I answer stuff. A lot of comics. Like, I never got your email. I answer everything. but I happen to be going through so many things right now I just don't want anyone to think

that I think I'm too cool and so it's like better you know that I'm busy and that your email will get answered and someone else will answer it versus just ignoring it. Have you ever worked with a professional writer like somebody who's written a television show like fucking somebody big like a real person

like a real person not somebody let's get together no no no coffee you ever call these fucking people they don't answer the phone nobody answers the phone. There's a block of that day that they don't answer they'll call you right back

when that block is over but that's for the writing time And that's their writing time. For my friend, it's like six hours. Some people have that. If what you have is writing and that's your thing, just like, I'm not going to answer the phone when I'm on stage. But I think in general, like in Hollywood,

it's a cool thing to act like you're busy. Like a lot of male comics, I'd be like, did you get the text about the show? Oh, I didn't check it. I'm like, really? Well, then where did the text go? Asshole. Like, you have a data plan.

So I try to just be cognizant of other people's time and not make them feel like jerkoffs if they email me or text me. There's nothing worse than when you reach out to someone and they just don't write back for like a business thing. It makes you feel like an idiot, right? That's fucking horrible. The whole, my beef is like, I work for Eliza in her movie for a week. That week, I could call fucking Eliza at 3 in the morning.

Right. And Eliza will answer that fucking phone and go, Joey, I need you on the set at 715 with that blue shirt on. Because you're working together. But the shit that pisses me on is Sunday when I call you and there's no more movie and you don't answer a fucking phone. And that's what has been done to me by just regular movies that we talk every day and all of a sudden the movie's done. I call you for something. Right. Three messages.

Wow. So when I was doing your movie, you answered the fucking phone. Right. The day after the movie ends, I call you for a check or the paperwork. And these guys wouldn't call me back for a month. Right. Well. That's not professional.

That's really fucking crazy. But I think for the traveling thing, yeah, that drives me crazy. And I don't, you know, you hope. the goal is to be respected enough as I'm sure you are, but in general that people will answer or people feel that you're important enough to answer back. And you know, you remember when people didn't answer stuff and you remember that kind of stuff. And not that you should make a list, but it sticks with you. And all I made the decision, I made the decision a long time ago that I was not going to act like my colleagues. I was not going to be, no, I'm not going to answer everything.

I don't even check Facebook. And every email, sometimes they're inappropriate or sometimes it's, I don't know how you got this. But I was not. going to make an effort to treat everybody like a person. As long as you're cool to me, I'll try to be cool back. And that's just the decision I made them. I'm not the kind of person who just ignores people. I remember a couple of years ago when things started popping, like 11 years ago for me. And I started going to these meetings.

At every fucking meeting, there was one jerk off that was always 25 fucking minutes. Like, like, just, you know, when writers want to meet with you and managers and this other writer. Like, those meetings, and they, choose a restaurant or something. Right. And then your agent has to go and your fucking manager has to tag along. So everybody's sitting at with puppy dog guys

and this jerk off walks in 25 minutes. Hey guys, so sorry, so so. There was so much traffic. I've got a kid. Oh, my fucking God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Somebody came to me like a really top comic one day.

I was telling my situation. He goes, nah, you're getting it all wrong. He goes, when you're a comedian, man, you always got to be late. Is he black? And I go, no, a white successful comic. Who is it? And I go, he goes, you have to be like, that's what it means to put the work in.

And Eliza, I got to tell you something. I did it one time. And I was like, no, he's wrong. No, please. I grew up different. I grew up completely different. You have 15 minutes early. And I'm going to get so much it for the black thing, whatever.

No, no, no, no, no. It's true. It really is about the way you were raised. And I've said this on my own podcast. So you see successful comics. right and people start to act a certain everybody knows people start to act a certain way when they're successful and then what happens is comics

who have not put in that time those are their buddies or those are the people that they look up to so they're like oh if I act like an asshole then it looks like I'm cool and it kind of works having like a little bit of swag but I'm like but you don't have 20 minutes to back it up to me you just seem like a dick I'd rather just do my job well and be cool just because I'm never late I was here early I watched you eat all the mushrooms I get

I cannot, my dad says if you're not early, you're late. And I just think it's disrespect of other people's time. And it's just not a way to do business. No, I didn't like it. I was like, why would I be late? That's against my fucking principle. No, I only be late. Like, that's against everything I fucking believe.

You know what? If you have a meeting at one, leave it 12, 15 if it takes 15 minutes. And that's the other, it's like, oh, so you don't know how to download a Waze app. And it's so funny because especially in Hollywood, it's cool to be late. It's cool to come in late, not show up before I was late. And what shocks me, I always think, like, but wait a minute. But at one point in your life, you were on time. You were on time to the audition that got you the show that turned you into an asshole.

You were on time for your costume fitting. You've been on time for things before. So it isn't as if the concept of time just alludes you. You know to be on time. You're just choosing not to because I don't matter. Have you guys ever had someone cancel a meeting or something when you're there on time and then they're late? And then they're cancel it when they're late and they're not even there. I had that happen.

Oh, I had, I, I was doing a podcast for somebody and we got down there. We were at his house. Not the guy's house, but the guest house. And like 15 minutes after he was already texting around the corner, around the corner, he's like, oh, I can't do it today. I was, oh. That sounds like a bad date. Oh, it was, I've never had a date do that.

I've never, like, that was. I've never had that either. I try not to have meetings unless they're absolutely necessary. Also, something I've learned recently, the more, the busier you are and the more, the more valuable your time is? No, I don't have time to grab a fucking coffee and catch up. I had somebody the other day that was, when do we go, are you busy Friday? I'm like, that is prime real estate for fuckery. I don't have, that's my, like, I'm going to do my set and then go out with someone I love or care about. Not you. Not for dinner with a general meeting.

You out of your mind to ask for a Friday or Saturday night, are we married? No. No. Coffee even in the middle. There's actually no time to have a meeting. Coffee in the middle of the day. It's like, so I have to stop everything I'm doing to go force a coffee to hear your, like, cartoon idea. I'm just saying. I don't have a schedule, Eliza. Neither do you. No. Neither do you. There's two types of people.

There's people that have a schedule. There's people that don't have a schedule. If I wanted a fucking schedule, I would get a fucking day job. Yeah. So I don't have a schedule. My schedule is 724. And I don't know when the fuck I'm working. Yeah.

And I don't know if I could do a fucking lunch. I don't know if I could do a coffee I don't know It changes too Look at the whole day today I'm supposed to take head shots or something tomorrow And I thought my daughter was sick tomorrow So I would have to be around the house

I don't think she's gonna stay home now So now I didn't call the guy tonight So now I'm the assor I gotta call the guy Because he probably rented a studio No no he has He does it out of his home It's for CISO

Oh oh I can't you know Yeah no I could shoot it after the I shoot this question. Yeah, there's no rush. Your head's not changing. Well, they're in a rush, but they're always in a rush. But they're in a rush, but...

Yeah, they're always in a rush. By the way, you're going to rush, you're going to kill yourself to get these head shots and then they won't come out for like two months. Right, December 8. Like, can I just scan this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, there's... I don't play the game either. I tell them it's by the day. Well, I always, that's always my point of contention with anything is, it's sort of the same

idea that, I was like, I'm batting a thousand. I'm the one working hard. So when someone else, like, it's always like, you've got to do this, you've got to do this. So I rush and I make four shows or I make that flight or I get together the set. And then they're like, okay, we're just going to mull it over. I'm like, oh, I'm really glad I snapped my back in half. So you guys can just chill out and take a dump. Feels great.

I'll just go fuck myself. Did you start in Dallas? I didn't. I started here. What? What is it? So you moved here and started fresh. I started all by myself.

Fresh here. I went to school in Boston and I started here. What college did you go? Into Emerson. Me too. Yeah? Oh yeah. Yeah, that's why you're in production.

Yeah, I was 2010. And you didn't bump into each other? No. He's five years younger than me. Wow. And then it was funny. I actually turned down a job. It was right as I was getting into the industry.

I almost worked on your show. What show? The dating show? Excuse? Yeah. Oh, really? That show was crazy. Like, I worked in post forever.

And, well, not in three years. But your show was crazy because they shot like every day for like three months. They shot like 100 episodes. We shot 230 episodes. one a day we shot for two seasons. It was a gauntlet. Like I am equipped for any hosting job because I shot that many episodes. Like there's no one that is more aired hours on TV hosting unless you've been on like a show for like five years.

230. And two years. And like one year or something. So one show a day, any days? We chew for a couple months each time. And we did it for two years. We had two seasons. 230 episodes total.

One a day. So 115 episodes at one shot. one hour episode. Never called and sick. No day. You get your weekends off, but all day, every day. From about June to October. And how long did you have to be there?

All day. Nine is nine. All day. I get there. Eight or nine. Let's call that. You do your hair, you makeup. You come down.

I film the first act and the people like go on their dates. I go to lunch. I'd come back. We'd shoot the middle part where someone got eliminated or excused. Excuse me. Branding. And then a little bit later that afternoon, or night or early evening is when the elimination part

and I would like literally bolt off set and jump in my car to make it to the comedy store by 945 or not depending on one it was and they never gave me an inch of wiggle room I'd be like I am running from a TV show that I'm on and they'd be like well if you're gonna miss your spot and I'm just like can someone give me a fucking break and I would bolt out of there every night to try to make it wherever the spots were

but yeah that was the that was the shake I can't like that it's funny working on the other side of TV, especially when you have, because you've done a couple specials, and then with what Joey was talking about, like, they're really anxious for these pictures, but these pictures, they're just anxious because it's on a to-do list. Right. And there's no, there's no real angle, like, it used to kill me when the network or the, the head of the production company would come in, because stuff would be cleaned, moved around, right? They'd put the best people up

front. It was crazy. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, a crazy experience to go through, just seeing how, like, who they really care about. Yeah. Well, I hate the whole hurry up and... How are up and wait. I've been here for too long and I know how it works, so I know the things that you sit and go, where's the logic in this?

Well, there is none, but I don't think most people that make art are logical people, and those who can't create good art go into production. And that's why it's so scattered. I mean, there's so many things going on, but any set you go on, you have one line. Like, we're going to need you all day. You're like, okay, but do you?

Okay, I already did the line. I need to stay. About one line on Spider-Man to 14 fucking days. Oh, my God. Six to midnight. It's almost not even worth it. Let me tell you what I would do. At 6 o'clock, I would just fucking hide.

Yeah. That doesn't seem very productive. And I would see the production assistance. I go, what's going on? They're like, they haven't said none. They go, if they don't say nothing, don't say none. I would just be prepared. I bring TVs and computers and see DVDs.

You sit in your trailer. I had a long-distance phone, though. They put me in there. the back of Sony in the apartments. I don't feel like you told me. They got apartments back there. Yeah. There are tremendous.

Couches that pull out. Like they were there like from World War II. I don't fucking know, but we did them. Yeah. The showers. I mean, guys, it was bigger than this. It was nice. Yeah, bigger than this door, couch, opens up.

Well, here's the thing. You're saying, you're saying I'm hiding. They don't want you. The less people on set, the better. Well, Ramey would always go, listen, Joey, you're too big for the fucking train. I can't have you in this fucking train. Right. So do me a favor.

Just go to the trail and wait for, call you and I would drink what's that fucking juice that was like 22 bottles pomegranate they had it I mean it was the best super yeah it was the best it was the best food movie I've ever been on right

I mean they had tables upon tables upon tables of just breakfast stuff yeah locks bagels oatmeal you know french toast all those juices all the coffees star I mean they just had everything lunches they paid you 25 bucks to go get your own lunch but they brought in lunch Friday's with steak and lobster tails so this is my option that I could sit in my fucking apartment in

Hollywood and come up with creepy IDs or I could sit down there and make scale plus a lobster yeah you know well yeah you go you do the work you show up yeah I showed but it's still like okay I showed up on time I go up to the product the directors and go what do you think today's today, not today, Joey. We'll call you when we need you. Then they would call me just to introduce me to someone. What was the line?

Can I hear the line? Surely you're... If you want to get to him, you gotta go through me. That's it. That's what someone wrote? That's what someone stole from someone else. Like $40,000 for that fucking line.

And that was... That's great. With no residuals. That's great. Can you believe that shit? You don't deserve residuals. No, no. I fired the manager that,

told me, don't do that movie. That's for one day scale. I wouldn't do it. Harvey Firestein was your manager. No, no. It was some chick that thought she was badass. I have a similar. There was no scale involved.

I went to Creative Arts Camp when I was 14, and they, you know, at a Creative Arts Camp, you would do one audition, and then they put you in a play. There was like 10 different plays, and they just place you, however they do it. And then throughout the summer, there's other plays. They were putting on Our Town by Thornton Wilder. Anyway, I was so excited. because I was going to creative arts camp coming from Dallas, Texas. All the kids were from New York in Los Angeles.

I was like, this is it. Where was the camp? In upstate New York. Okay. And I was like, this is it. Like, this is when I get a chance to be somebody. And I audition, and they put me in our town, and I got the part of a lady in the balcony, which is a person who sits in the audience.

And during part of the play, the narrator pretends that he's at a town hall meeting. And he goes to the audience for questions. And I have to sit in the audience the entire duration of the play. And I stand up and I have to say, is there much culture in Grover's Corners? That's the name of the town they live in. That's my whole line. And that's what, like, I spent the whole summer for this one play.

And so I go to high school the next year. On first day of school, I look at the fall play and it's going to be our town. And I was like, I fucking got this. I'm going to play the lead. I watched her all summer. I, or at least I'll be the mother. I'll be a cow. I'll be something.

I read for it. I get lady in the balcony again. The same fucking line. Two years in a row. So don't give up kids. Could you recite that play word for word? I can recite that line word for word. No, I'm thinking that like after sitting in the balcony for the infill...

No, but the second time I was like, fuck this. I'm not paying attention. You guys can go to hell. I'm going to make out with my hot boyfriend. You know, I didn't know movies. I watched movies. Yeah. I went to movies.

But when I moved out of here, I didn't know Dick. And Scott, he was one of the best talent coordinator as a comedy store. He was a guy that was really good-looking. you thought he was straight, but he was gay as hell. And he drank more than anybody I've ever seen for a guy that size. And he kept it together. He was a functioning fucking wild man at the store. To the point where I remember one Monday I brought him, he got me a gig.

And he go, can I give you a commission on this? It was like my first $750 gig. Yeah. I'm like, Scott, I have to give you Scott Day. he lives like in fucking Africa now and books elephants and shit he moved here with Louis Anderson okay good looking dude and

I brought him a bottle of fucking like expensive tequila at 12 o'clock when he got there you know by 9 o'clock the bottle was fucking gone and he was standing there talking to me about politics and comedy and shit I'm like this is not even reeking of tequila right maybe he spilled it huh maybe he spilled it

no this motherfucker and then he was would sit there and drink and watch the acts till about 10.15. Yeah. He would wait for Mitzie and then once Mitzie got there, he would leave. Comedy store is a very special place. Scott Day. I don't even know what the moral of the fucking story was. You said he was a good talent booker, whatever it's called?

Talent coordinator. Yeah. Why? I brought it up. What the fuck knows? It's just great to have you here. I'm happy. I like having women on the podcast, and it's tough to get them on sometimes.

Well, it's a scary neighborhood. Is it really a scary thing? I did not want to get out of the vehicle. I thought you knew it. I thought you knew it for some reason or another. I know where we, I mean, I know the area. Oh, boy, you would have hated the other place where we were at. Where's it?

Up to block. Up to second floor, real creepy. We walked out one night and there was a guy laying there. And the ladies tell him, you got to call the cops. And then a lady knocks the next day. He goes, that guy was making believe he was asleep. When I went to the bathroom, he robbed my purse and he ran out of here. I'd be like, where are you telling you this?

Oh, my God. At night, I would ship my pants walking down the stairs. walking out of that. We go, why do I do the podcasting? Yeah, no, I don't know. Then we found this place, and this is cool. There was a girl downstairs that had a real popular podcast. That's how I found this place. And I came and asked me if I could have it when she went to rotten tomatoes. Now she did fucking see her in it. But she started downstairs in this office right downstairs.

Oh, it's important to have a space. Yeah. You know, you can do it at your house, but it's good, especially for comics to have a place to go to. So this is good. It's lovely inside. What's up, Lee? How are you feeling? I'm feeling fine so far. You want another mushroom? Sure, why not? Sure, what the fuck?

Your face is as red as your t-shirt. Oh, yeah. You both look like you're about to cry. No, not yet. No, I'm good. That's good day today today. It was nice and easy. Yeah.

I didn't do shit. It was fun. Where were you last weekend? I wasn't anywhere last. We finished oddball. Right now. The oddball. Where'd you go?

I didn't go anywhere. I didn't go anywhere. I came from New York. Then I didn't. I don't go anywhere. And then this weekend, I'm in Denver. It's sold out. So I think it was like one show on Friday that's left. This is the comedy works. It's the comedy works, but not in Larimer Square, the suburbs.

Beautiful. I've always played the Larimer Square one. And I'm a little sad because I really enjoy it. I really enjoy that club. I know John Caparillo's there and he's so funny. So I graduated up to the one in the suburbs. And so I'll go do that. And then my tour, my theater tour starts November like 4th. And this is promoting the Netflix special. The tour starts with that. We had to talk about T-shirts and stuff today.

But yeah, and then that's it. How many theaters are you doing on this tour? I think there's 14. And what size are the theaters? A couple thousand. Good for you. 14,400? 1400 is perfect.

Probably, definitely not over 2000. And then hopefully we'll do a second leg in Europe. Really? You want to go over and give it a shot? Yeah, I did London once and that was great. So, you know, all like the English-speaking places and maybe even like Sweden, because I think they're really into comedy. They're really into comedy. That's Pablo Francisco's joint.

Oh, my God. I think he's so funny. That's Pablo's joint up there. He goes every year. I know he was going there maybe eight years ago for 100 grand for one show or something. So by now he probably goes there twice a year for a million. He's fine. I remember doing the South African Comedy Festival, and Pablo Francisco was on.

It was me and Trevor Noah before he was anybody. And he was lighting it up on. stage there. And some of the jokes were in Afrikaans and some of it was in England. Some of the stuff I didn't know what he was talking about because it was like a lot of like local stuff. But he was on it. And that time met him. And I saw Pablo at breakfast. And I was like, can I sit with you? Like, and he was super cool about it. And I just remember he's one of the comics that I sort that I look up to is weird because I don't really know him, but that I definitely take a page from his book. And he's not the most famous, but he's so fucking good. And you say his name people are like,

who is that? And I'm like, oh, because you only know like the three comics that are on Netflix. It's Pablo Francisco for days. When I moved to this town, he was... Little Pigeons. When I moved to this town, he was on fucking fire. On Fuego. In 97. When I first went to the Lafactory Latino night,

I had like a five-minute spot, and they said, Pablo Francisco's on and watch this. This was like maybe the height of Seinfeld. Yeah. And he did each one of them in fucking Spanish. Oh. Okay. Standing ovations.

Yeah. People puking, because it was just pure brilliance. It was just pure brilliance. It was just the fucking Jerry Seinfeld in Spanish. And from there, it just didn't stop. He's one of the first comics where someone comes over. And I'm lucky because people tell me they do this with my comedy now. And it's so gratifying.

But people come over, I'd be like, watch this clip. Come watch this YouTube clip. And he had the bit about pigeons. Have like you can say anything to a stripper and she'll agree with you. I look, pigeon. She's like, fuck yeah, little pigeons. And I look at Apple. It was, fuck.

Yeah, green apples. He's like, it's going to happen. She likes apples. Anyways, verbatim, that's the clip. You can YouTube it. But he was great. What year was those specials? Because that's how when I first saw him, like his Comedy Central specials.

You know, I don't remember. Only look at home. Yeah, check it out. Because that, like, that was. Is he a store comic? Yeah, he's got to, yeah. But I don't ever see. You know, he just contacted me.

I didn't know it was him. He left me a message to be on the podcast. Oh, my God. I saw him at the Ice House and we had a great. talked it was great to see him he's one of the best guys in comedy easily comedy wise and as generous as can be when i was when i first got to this town he would hire me in different cities and he would pay me above and beyond like i would go are you crazy yeah you know he's always been a great guy john pennett was like that with me i know he's gone my one of my first gigs to feature they flew me to las vegas

and I didn't know who he was and he asked me are you a Vegas comic I said no I'm from L.A. He's like how much did it cost you to get here? And I told him you know, probably with room

and everything and they paid me $500 and I spent most of it to get there and then he was like come to my office on Monday and I'll write you a check and I went to his office

and his manager Larrysup here wrote me a check for $500 so I had the money and I'll never forget that he did that and it was a real when you start in comedy you learn how to treat other comics by how kind comics are to you.

And I don't know that comics ever gave me a real break, but once in a while when someone is kind like that, it sticks with you. And like Pablo was cool when I met him, he won't remember me, you know? But like, the comics who aren't dicks, then you're like, oh, that's the way to treat people. One time I was in Houston,

and Pablo called me at like 11 in the morning on the Saturday. He goes, what are you doing? Do you want to go to them all? I go, now I got to meet these people for once. He goes, all right. That night I saw him, he gave me a bag. He bought me three shirts at the mall. Oh.

on the Saturday. And I'm talking about fucking shirts. Like I was like, mom, are you serious? He got me like a Laker valour thing

though I really couldn't wear. Do you know what I'm saying? It was like too much. It was like purple with the dark black. Right. If you put it on, you lost 15 pounds.

Right. Because there was no oxygen going in there. Like there was no. Right. I couldn't breathe. There was no you couldn't breathe. Right.

And he gave me his two other dress shirts. They had to be like two hundred dollars apiece, man. Yeah. Unless he tipped me Saturday, you know. I mean, it was just, he's just a great kid all around. Yeah, it's really, this comic that I worked with this weekend, the guy that featured to me this weekend, I was in Columbus, and he's a writer. And 20, whatever years ago, I used to open for him. How weird. He had just one San Francisco. This guy's a dangerous motherfucker on stage. Dangerous.

His name is Rick Kerns. He had radio in Denver. He'll be. be at the show he'll be at the shows he'll have one of the nights okay and when you see him the first couple minutes he won't be on my shows but no you bring in your own people it was so weird that's why denver's scary because they throw those headlines at you from denver oh i don't care no no no but they usually do like a lot of people go to den I don't I don't you know what I will say I don't bring nobody to den by I fucking I never did because I always believed in cultivating local comics and give people chances that being said Denver and I love comedy work works. It's the only city where, because they give you different comics every night. They've

never been cool. Never rude. But they come in, they do their thing. They don't make eye contact. They leave. I'm like, do you realize how much it would be who of you to just say hi to me? All my features that I bring on my tour and that I work with are people who featured for me. I like, I like, come work for me. And they, it was never rude. I definitely, it was never, it was just kind of like, almost like they're making a point of not giving me the respect of talking to me. Like, I just come into work, I don't talk to her. And it's just like, okay, it's your funeral. You don't have to do it. I won't help you.

That's totally fine with me. It's really fucking weird. So this year, I'm playing a different part of the club, and I was like, I'm bringing my own people. Done. I had friends that will fly in and spend money to get to do it. And I'm not going to use a local guy who's not going to look me in the eye and say hi. So, so fuck it.

I try to cultivate also. I also, you know, there's a lot of comics that you take in a comic on the road. maybe something small to you, but it's something. I remember how big it was for me when somebody called me at the comedy store. I said, you're available Tuesday? What if I gave you a 7.5th? Seven fucking fifth. Yeah.

I did to go do my act in Wisconsin and test it out there? 100%. Oh, my God. So many comics made my week, you know? Yeah. I mean, one night. I see Lewis. He came when I was hosting. I used to host on Sunday.

And he came and he goes, yeah, I got him on. I'm like, yeah, I got him on. And when he got off, he goes, hey, man, what are you doing this week? I go, nothing. I'm around. He goes, I wrote something. I'll know tomorrow. Give me a number. Listen, you know, I went back on stage. I didn't go home and go, I got rent money. He fucking called. And he put me

on the fucking show. I never forgot him because of that. It's a small, it's really weird, man. But it's also, like, you got him on the show. Like, you were cool. All you did to do was be a little cool. And he was cool back. If you were like, no man, can't get you on or, hey man, you got to wait. You know, like, you gave him a green light. people don't realize like for headliners like you being cool to us is just as important as us being cool to you you have to make people want to do you favors you have to you know nobody wants to help somebody who walks in a green room that's a dick you know last two years ago a kid hit me up he goes can i do a guest spot i go i gotta be honest i really don't know you i always say yes and if i say yes then every show i do i do they're gonna be there like if you let it's really i was it's really weird a lot i was it's really weird a lot I said, the word gets out.

Oh, you mean other people come? So, like, I used to do a room in Bra. And I was very generous to the room. You know, I went home with 50 bucks. I broke it into a three-man show. I hosted. I brought a headline in a feature. You know how many times I showed up down there and there'd be six guys?

I didn't know you did comedy here. Really? What the fuck do you think we'd do here? Right. And then they would start. We'd think you got eight minutes. Then eight minutes turned into 12 and 15. You know, they're fucking savages.

So it got to the point where you know, when I'm going into a town and Tuesday, I get home and I got eight Facebooks, six of those. Hi, my name is Peter whatever. Yeah. Yeah. How can I, I can't, I don't know if this. Just not check it. Well, how can, what if you go on stage and this kid goes, I'm fucking, this is my impersonation of Hitler is jerking on. I don't fucking know.

Right. I'm trying to be kind, and that's what happens when you be kind. Okay. Here's the other side of it. First of all, I don't check the Facebook messages because, but sometimes, you know, somewhat, if you, for the most, I'm going to hate that I says, if you ask me for something, I will usually give it to you, stage time wise. And I will have friends that would be like, hey, I'm happy to be in Phoenix that weekend. I'll be like, you can have a guest spot. I give those out like candy because it costs me nothing.

It means so much to you. And that's like a motto that I live by. I always figure, chances are you're not going to be a maniac on stage. If you're great, then it pumps up the energy for the show. And if you suck, I look amazing. And it's only a couple minutes out of my life. So I give people the chance to do that. It's never come back to bite me.

I hate what comes with it. There's a thousand situations. Okay. You see me at the store. Three nights a fucking week. When I see you, I go, hey, and I walk the other one. I never giving you a hug. I never give you a respect you deserve.

Not all of a sudden, you're a stand up live. Yeah. And guess who wants to buy me a drink and skimmy a hug? Joey Diaz and he wants to guess it. Fuck you. Oh, there's a thousand of those. Here's the other side. There's another side.

Let me say this for you. Let me say this for you because you've been doing this longer than me, right? I guess. How long have you been doing? 25. Okay. So a lot longer than me. I think that and you're getting, you've hit this stride now, but there were so many years put in

where there were people ignoring you like that. And you don't seem, you're not a mean guy at all. But I think you've had more time to go through that. to have that. And now you're like, yeah, fuck you. You've looked at me forever. So you're allowed to feel that way. I wouldn't begrudge you that. I also will say this. Before I met you, I'll never forget the day that you said hi to me. You were so nice. You were like, hey, sweet. And you treated me like we had known each other forever. And I just played along because, A, I was like, have I met him before? And B, you're scary looking. And so I always, you know, I don't know. And you're like tough. And

and so I never said anything because I was figured you were in a different group of comics and we didn't know it, not in like a shitty way. So, and I get people, like, I think I'm a pretty nice person. I get people that won't talk to me because they're like, I'm afraid of you. And it's just, it comes with an air, you know, and it's people's perception and they're wrong.

And you're the nicest guy I know. I was like the comedy, you came up and said hi. Let me tell you fucking something. But my point is, of course you can feel the way. No, no, no. The amount of people that have been like, I'm afraid, like, I would feel the same thing. I'd be like, you never talk to you.

me or said hi, the amount of people that are afraid versus not respectful. You know when somebody's afraid. You know what somebody's not respectful. You know it. You said things to me that you like that, but you know when somebody's not giving you the props, a lies that deserves. For sure. Okay, so.

But I do get people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. You know what? If I would have saw you at the improv and I'm going to never saw you at last comic standing, I wouldn't have said hello to you. Right. First of all, before I met you, I had this woman respect for you. Now, when I see a girl like you that is petite, you're not violent, you're not drunk, you're not obnoxious, and I see you at the store, I feel for you. I feel for you and I want you to know that I got your back.

Okay? I got your back. Just in case if anything goes, no, I'm not here to hit on you. I'm too fucking old. I'm not here to give you drugs. You have offered me drugs already. Oh, no, no. I'm not here to give them to you

I offer them to you It's just so weird When I'm at the store I know what girls Are faking the funk What does that mean? There's girls that go down there Fake the Funk

What does fake the funk? They show up for two years They see what they can work And they disappear And then I know a girl that you Like you had this four set tonight I go to the improv To do a set there you are

And I go to Comedy Stone You're like dog shit You're everywhere But I found out you were at the IO Or you were at this guy's bar Or you do the 7 o'clock show at the comedy store you work at this it's not like you're uh dating guys and right dating where i date managed no right you're one of these motherfuckers that i see out there banging it and you're running

against around men my mom was a bookie and she ran oh my mom was a bookie and she ran around men and when you see that gift not a lot of women could do that gift you take a certain woman with a certain type of uh sell something to walk into a room with men and not get fucking attacked like eight guys like me in a room going, 604, $82 fucking dollars. Hey, what happened with that guy? He never paid you that money, so here, you come in with you, looking good. You know what I'm saying? Like, I respect you. So that's why

the first time I saw you, I just want to let you know that. Oh, you were so nice. I'm not one of these fucking jerk off, I got you. I remember you said hi, and I walked one, I was like, oh, Joey Diaz knows who I am. No, I watched you. I watched you. I talked to Dan about you.

I knew you were tight with Joe, and I had left the store. And I had just heard about you. As I was leaving, you were taken over. So I always talked to Ari. Yeah. And I just, you know, I told you that before I leave the fucking house, not tonight I didn't, but because nobody's going to be on tonight.

Probably some political jerk. Oh, you check all the stories. All the shows. I check all the shows. I check Jimmy Fallon. I checked the other fucking guy with the people in the car. I checked the fucking whatever. And I see what standups are going to be on.

There's some stand-ups that I don't even know when I watch. Just because I don't know, I'm young. The one guy that killed me one night was Kumongi, Mananji. Kumel Nangi-A-Njiani. That shit about Coney Island five years ago, fucking I almost puke that night. He's very funny. And then, you know, there's a few people. I'm not going to say how many times I've sat up to watch a Showtime special on.

Throwing the fucking remote with the TV. You're fucking bum. You really had the balls to open with that joke. I heard that joke eight-10 years ago. You're going to, you know. So I'm cheering for the comment And then when I see him I want to go up to him and go

Now you know why You're not getting spots Because how You know but I can't So I always go If I had the opportunity to do that So I'm watching a fucking tonight show And it's a lies this lesson

I get home I got the cat on top of me You know I just smoked a joint I probably had some peanut butter And all of a sudden I fast forward Because I taped it

And you came out And just It's like you had no fear You just were laying in him laying in him you're pointing at him even jimmy phallan was like what the fuck's going on it was just and then he came out it was just a big to do at the end and i got right on fucking twitter and i go eliza you fucked them up and god damn it my wife's like why is the fucking light on in the office i'm trying to sleep i'm trying to sleep i go i got a tape i got a hit it because she did really

well and i hadn't seen you since then to pull you over you're always on the move you're always on the fucking move. So I don't want to grab you by the arm and go, there's a man, I saw you on Jimmy Fallon. You fucked them up. But then you said something to me. We live in this comedy world now that women aren't getting enough spots. There's jerk-offs that say women

aren't fucking funny. Every time I hear a jerk-off say women aren't funny, I want to send them a clip of Lucille ball. Just to get the party started. Like, this is how wrong you are. This lady lives on TV every fucking day for the last 80 years. And you're going to come up with some

It's antiquated. Some, thank you. Antiquated. Thank you. That's the word I was looking for. I feel, you know,

not to make it about girls because, like you said, like I've been competing against men since I made my professional debut or whatever in comedy. I did last comic standing.

That was all guys. Comedy store is mostly guys. So, of course, if I auditioned for something, it's me versus another girl. But when I go on tour and I look at, if I'm playing clubs,

it's men on those rosters. and there's no, this isn't saying bad things about other girls and I hope they have great careers, but for me, it's always been me pitted against men and then people for sensationalism and be like, what about the other girls? And I've just never looked at that as the competition because it's me versus another guy to see who gets a 945 spot at the comedy store, you know? And the whole women are the funny, women have been doing so many funny things for the, especially in the last couple years and comedy's been really hot. People don't say women aren't funny anymore. And if they do, I'm like, oh, there's something wrong with you. Oh, you're

stupid. Versus when I first started my career, I had to be like, well, you know, girls are funny. I try to. So now I just, I don't even answer it, right? It's just all these things that these formulas people had for a long time. I'll never forget. They were shooting Showtime. Showtime about 10 years ago, maybe 12 years ago, gave away eight half hours. And they had showcased at the store. And I'll never forget that I'm out there one night. I didn't

showcase. They were showcasing a bunch of like up-and-coming comics and shit. And I was there one night and Messina was there, Rick Messina. Good guy, great guy. You know, I talked to him all the time out there. And some girl was talking to him and she's like, you know,

I'm having a hard time. He's like, how old are you? And she's like, 30. And he goes, you should just move back to where you came from. And he goes, Everybody knows that, you know, a woman's hot from 22 to 21 to 27. And guys after, now, here I am long in the fucking tooth. I didn't get it. I was 32.

I didn't get on stage, so I was 30 or something. And he's like, and guys are dead after 25. What's he talking about? And I'm listening to this, and I get in my car and I go home. And that night, I'm sitting there. And the next week, I saw him up there. I go, can I talk to you for a second? Because he's a cool guy.

He's a really cool. guy. Yeah. And I go, hey man, the other than I heard you talk to this girl, and you were telling this and this and this. I go, the reason you got that baseball field in your back fucking yard is because of the two old guys in comedy.

Tool time. He was not fucking 28 when he made it. All right? And the other guy with the glasses, the chubby guy, the host of True Carrie. He was another guy that was 40 when he fucking made it. I go, you made

millions off these guys. How can you tell her? Right. He goes, you know what's crazy? I thought about it when I went home that night. What a mistake I made too. Oh, good. He goes, I didn't know what I was thinking. You made millions of dollars off two fucking old guys. Especially comedy, you can be older in comedy. It's actually one of the few things where when you're older, people value your opinion more.

Comedy doesn't discriminate. You're either funny or you're not. Whether you get into it later or, you know, regardless. I'm so fucking embarrassed right now. Why? Like, I just, I feel. feel like just being too old and being on stage. But then the other day, they were watching a Rodney clip,

and I'm like, he was fucking old. I watched most of that special this weekend. But you have the gravitas. When you get up there and you say something, you know, you mispronounce Kumail's name or something, or you say, you know, because of who you are and where you're from and the generation you have, it's okay.

There are things that I was talking to Joe about this when we laugh because I was laughing. We were in the car in Arizona, and we were hungry, and the only thing that was open to, Papadoes and you were going on you're like you trust your Uncle Joey I'm like I don't really know you you trust your Uncle Joey go to Papadose and then you made a joke and you were like you're lucky when you get the gumbo and the sauce with the fingernails and the Katrina oil and I was

dying laughing if I on stage the other night made it said one Katrina reference and they went ice cold but you say it and it's okay and granted it's about intentions I'm like that but it's also about like a life lived there are things you can say that I can't And so you shouldn't be embarrassed. I turn the mind to the gullible. I don't have to give you a pep talk. I didn't get to try it. Is it still about Papados and not the moral of my story?

Tell him what you ate though. Oh, I got a pobley, but I was too tired. I'm the only one that's not stoned here, by the way. Yeah. Which is why we're talking about Papados now. But then, like, I think why it comes across, like, why people are okay with it is because it's what you say in real life. Like, he had that entire speech for the server at Popadoes.

Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. I told you, he loves him. But it's also, you know, people need, are so fucking PC. you're an equal opportunity offender. There's no hate in your heart. You're just saying it's just like this East Coast ball breaking. Like, I know guys

like that. And it's okay. Whoa, whoa, wait a second. I'm Cuban, but I got a Jewish cup. Okay, so. Jewish cup? Yeah, that means you got a Jewish cranium. So, I had a friend that used to go I'm Italian, but I got a French cup. That's why I know how to make all these cocktails.

And he used to kill me. He was like 70. Yeah. Anyway, what the fuck were we talking? But why got to throw me off? I was talking about your character. You started talking about Popados. No, no, no, no.

We're talking about... You're Cuban with a Jewish hat. Cup. Cup. Cup. He was talking about Popados, and I was saying you have the gravitas to say what you want to say. I fucking forgot.

I got to stop smoking pot. Maybe a little. Maybe a little. I was saying it's okay. You were saying you were ashamed to be old on stage. How old are you? 53. Thank God, because I didn't know.

And I was like, what if he says he's 40? And I got to tell him he looks terrible for, Plus, I had a little girl at the house. And she's going to click on to fucking YouTube And hear half these conversations. It's just a lot of things that are eating away at me Little by little. Yeah, but she's going to hear whether you stop doing comedy or not.

She's three and a half. Shit, you got a minute. She's not going to. Not in today's world, you know. Not with that fucking computer. Not with that goddamn computer. I went over the other night to pick up a shirt. And she came out and she said hi.

But then she has a tablet thing apparently. Yeah. And like, I was trying to say goodbye. She's like, no, goodbye. goodbye like she she like really seems to like me but now she like when she's had the deal like oh she loves that fucking tablets so what are you going to do that good what's happening blanche blanche doesn't care she's going as a lobster no it was real i forget what i was gonna fucking tell you it bothers me about the the cuban with the jewish cup we were talking about you attention we were trying

attention true because it's stuff you say oh okay i'm so sorry okay so katrina happened right All right, so let's pretend you went down to the sea. To the sea? Let's pretend you went down there with the sea what was going on. Oh, oh, I thought you meant the ocean. And all of a sudden you're like, wait a second. Wait, just one fucking minute here. Look at all this oil.

Look at all these animals. I've seen that commercial for Dove. Right. Where they take the fucking bird and they wash the duck and shit. What if I fucking get like a whatever and scoop up all this shit, take it home and wash it and then freeze it and then once the fucking shrimp thing goes out I'll sell the shrimp what are you talking I'm telling you this is how you have to think this is not the way you this is somebody did this this is somebody fucking did this is no Katrina oil in the gumbo

listen to me somebody I didn't say that was listen somebody went scooped up all these animals and oil on them what animals the birds shrimp and they put them in the gumbo listen to me and they washed them down really good with dawn with dawn right then they they washed them down Even though the animals are dead, it's like if I stab you, you have 24 hours to get to the hospital or get stitched up. After 24 hours, you can't get stitched up. There's nothing like a dofy. That's like if you get a cut, you can't stitch it after 24 hours. That was 20 years ago.

I don't know about that. I'm pretty sure we could. No, you have to look it up. The 24 hours, you got to stitch up a wound. If not, it's two, you can't stitch it. There's no stitching. No. You just an open wound the rest of your life.

No, they do butterflies and shit like that stitching, you know what I'm saying with fucking bandages and stuff. Okay. So the same thing. So the shrimp is dead. He's got oil on them. I wash them off. I wash them off really nice. I scrub them down.

Yeah. And then I freeze him. Yeah. And I come to you two years from night. I got shrimp. I got shrimp. I got shrimp. I got shrimp.

And I like great... And I, let me ask you this. And I, as a corporate buyer for... That's in charge of food quality for a mega chain restaurant. I buy this shrimp out of the back of your Chevy. I didn't say that. I said that let's pretend. But this is your conspiracy theory

No, there's no conspiracy theory I used to live this shit I used to do it I'm telling you not with Katrina fish Okay But fish that fell off Oh this is two different things then Same thing

This is fish that fell off A fucking All I gotta do is Tell you This is shrimp that fell off A thing You're a gumbo guy You make a living off the bottom line

Correct the moon though First of all We're gonna bang this out two ways I'm gonna take that fucking Katrina shrimp And I'm gonna mix it With the fucking good shrimp. The good shrimp.

So you don't know. Every other bite is. Cutting the shrimp. So the problem is I pay $16.05 a pound for that shrimp. Yeah. 13 if I get it by the pound. 12. I know the guy. This shrimp, I'm going to get for $3 a pound. Okay. Like my shit's gonna come fortified.

You're just getting shrimp for 1650. I'm giving you a little bit of everything. Seweed, a duck leg, you know what I'm saying? One frozen duck leg. Who is eating this? A monster? Me. You're eating this.

When I go out of the fucking papadoz in Austin. You ask for one duck, you're like, you're like, this is cool. Is this a Pepsi can in my gumbo? Give me a bowl of fucking gumbo. I eat out. Lastly, leave sat right next to them. I ate out all the seafood. And then you look at it and the gumbo water is brown.

but it's got that little streak I think that's just olive oil It's not fucking horrible I'm like this little I know fucking I guess I grew up in Jersey You know when you're in Jersey You got the algae in the water Yeah

It's kind of greenish Okay I'll buy the shrimp Okay no I don't want you to fucking buy it Okay I want you to go to Papa does because I tried When you eat that shrimp It builds it builds character

It builds your immune It builds your immune Fuck the cancer We froze the shrimp The cancer's gone The cancer's gone We cleaned the oil off. And what do you think that good shrimp didn't swim in some of that shit that was left over?

Radiation from Russia, radiation from Japan. I just came here and talked about comedy. I know, but we got to talk about reality. Where's Tony Bennettcock sucker? That's what the problem is. That's the problem. We didn't go to Papadose. It was too far.

We went to sushi Roku, which is horrible. It was terrible. I ate so much, but it was terrible. I love you with all my heart. Who eats fucking sushi in Phoenix. Two, pick up the pieces When That's the only option

You're like sushi and Fianna? I didn't want to insult You're an idiot Joe Is this the end? No Go It's a half time

Oh my God I have to go When do you have to go? I got to believe by nine How long have we potted for? Where are you going to be at The next couple weeks? Pumpy dates and you're going to abandon ship

Well, I don't want to, I don't have, how long have we been on the podcast for? About an hour. Okay. My tour starts November 4th. Let's talk about the Netflix special. When did you tape this? I taped this, I think, in May, April, May, in Chicago with the Vic. Okay.

And it came out about three weeks ago. Chicago's a great comedy audience. I love them to death. And yet, you can't play downtown for more than a couple days because the Zanies is so small. Small. Great club, so small. I disagree. So, that's it.

And then it came out. and now I go on tour. What do you want to know? I want to know what cities you're doing on this fucking tour. People want to know where you're going. If you go to Eliza.com, it has all the cities.

And I have to look up, here, I can go to Eliza. No, no, no, no. I have it right here. What cities are you excited to go on? All of them. People always ask that. There's some cities I haven't been to.

I've been to a lot of cities. I'm excited to go where my fans are. I don't care if it's in the middle of Abu Dhabi, which is fine now. Actually, that's not a bad place to go. I don't care if it's in the middle of like the Sudan. Like as long as there's fans and there's Red Bull, I'm happy to go. It goes, uh, Philadelphia.

Sorry. It starts in Milwaukee, Madison, Philadelphia. I'm very excited to go there. Washington, D.C. haven't played there. St. Louis. Atlanta. Love it. Nashville. Love it. Seattle.

Great. San Francisco. Tahoe for New Year's the day before New Year's Eve. Houston, Austin, Dallas. Boston. Massachusetts, Connecticut for Foxwood. I'm sure you played that. And I'm here in L. at the Wilshire e-bell for

for Valentine's Day. Those are just the, that's this the tour. So it's a lot, but not so much that it's hard. I love you. I know you work all the time,

and I got a lot of respect for you. I work because I don't have a family or a day job. Well, I know how hard it is. You sure you do. I got a lot of respect for you. I'm really happy you came on because it meant the world

because I want people to know you're a bad motherfucker. They know, they kind of know, but now it's a little fires. You came in. I'll take it. You know what I'm saying? You almost say this.

style, but you thought about your future. You looked at the mushrooms and you said, Joey, I did them once and it fucked me up. And I got to get them home. That's the other thing. I'm afraid. You could take them when you go home. Do you want to your secret? Go ahead.

Actually, no, I don't want to say that because then I'll, because here's the thing. When you're a girl and you share stuff on podcast and people forever tweet at you about it. The last time I was stoned, I was intimate with my boyfriend. And horrible, violent, weird thoughts went through my head, which is not what you want when you're like naked with someone. So I just don't, I don't think pot is for me. It's not for you.

Do you drink? Yeah. But I still gotta yell at you about the fucking sushi in Phoenix. It wasn't my fault. Let me yell at you first and then you can yell back. I,

I did, there was the only thing that was open. You were in the car with us. We were looking at all these things on Yelp. Nothing was open because of the time we got the dog ball. The driver was playing you're fucking off too. He couldn't drive.

The drive. I gotta go pick up Dane. Dane. Yeah. Like Dane's got a helic. Copter. Fucking take me to pop a house. And everything was closed.

Sushi Roku, because it's kind of like a douchy part of town, was open. And I was like, fine. I am a food douchebag. That's how much respect I got for you. I did not fuck up your night. Yeah. Because there used to be the Tempe Improv and the sushi place opened up downstairs. Yeah.

Do you know how many comedians got sick in that sushi place? Real. I was a hospital sick. Wow. That's why Joel partnered with, was it copper kettle? What is it? Copper Blues. So tasty.

So tasty. Steak bites. You like the copper blues? I like steak bites. I love it. I eat garbage. They got good steak bites. I think they've got great

some of the improv of steak bites. If it's a Joel Bashkoff improv, they might have steak bites. That's what you want. Steak bites. You know, I worked with Joe the first night he started. Oh, yeah? 98 in Miami.

I came in for two years and he had just fucking started. The clothing store went out of business. Yeah. And now he was in the comedy, but he knew nothing. Wow. He was just a young kid,

and we used to get. Giggling shit. 1998? So to see him at fucking oddball here, Joel is a manager now. He's an owner. He's an owner of several improvs. They just opened one. He consulted on one at Oxnard.

Really good guy, always been super cool to me. You know, I think a lot of, especially for women in this business, is like, someone trying to sleep with me and they were terrible. I know the difference between like a gross out. No, he's very respectful. He always treated me like a colleague. He always brought treats for Blanche. a lot of club I've never had a club owner be a piece of shit to me

because it's like well look at the numbers or even when I wasn't doing great numbers like they were always for the girls listening it really is about the way you carry yourself so treat yourself with respect and they won't treat you like garbage that's my big lesson of the day I'm a big Shark Tank fan and I saw a clip with Barbara the one I don't like the other, the younger lady

Lori? I don't like her at all why don't you like Lori? I like Lori. I don't like them all. I don't like the the infomercial thing. And I don't know. It could be just because she's younger.

That could be in. But it just comes off weird. Her Mr. Wonderful are very old. She's older than you. Oh yeah, obviously. Okay. But I'm not that obvious. Well, yeah, that's true.

But I really like Barbara was with, she was doing something on like ABC News or something. And she was saying that she thinks that woman should act like men. Like that's like when it comes to business. Because in her business. business and all businesses. Women don't ask for raises at like a crazy percentage

and I should have written it down. Don't ask for raises but men do. Oh, and well, it's hard to relate to that as a comic because it's different because I ask for more money all the time and it's not me asking for it. It's my agent on my behalf. Barbara Corcoran's a fucking business animal. If you watch the last 10 minutes

of my Netflix special, it's me reenacting an episode of Shark Tank. And it's my favorite show. So, just saying, put that out there. I like the blonde and I like the old lady. They're both blonde. The older lady. Barbara Corcoran of the Corcoran group and Lori Grenier of QVC.

I like, they're all great. Mark Cuban. I always learn something when I watch it. Yeah, I like Mark Cuban. I look at the people and I go, the balls on these people. Oh my God, and some of the ideas. Yeah, it's just brutal. Sometimes you know that they're on there because the idea is stupid. The worst idea on Shark Tank ever and this is 100%

Googlable. Go to a website called is it. Will you Google it? Man medals. This guy, One thing I don't like is emasculated men. As a woman, like, I seek to be powerful not to make anybody feel like shit. And this guy gets out, he's like, my wife would always ask me. He's like, terrible looking. He'd take out the garbage.

And when I would, she'd be like, what do you want? A medal? So that's when I came up with man medals. There's a picture of my balls in memoriam. And it's a metal that you give your husband when he does a good job at something. They're like $5 a piece. There's no way they have any online. sales. Look at these. Look at these fucking pieces

of shit. They're going to go into the earth and just make garbage. Read them. Best hobby. Best hobby ever. $2. Coming home to be a daddy, $5. Yeah, you come home to your kids. So you get a metal. I emptied the dishwasher.

I... Ask for directions. Yeah, like, was it, 1950? I picked dirty clothes up. I, what is it? Put the toilet paper. Put the toilet paper roll up. Or I put it on. Like, as if you've married a total retarded person. Totally. retarded total retard I don't want my wife sequel to total revalued. Isn't this insane?

It's passive aggressive. Listen to me. These are the people that vote for Trump. You understand? Like people go, how is Trump getting there? Who buys Britney Spears albums? There's always that question. I went to a Britney concert. Did you know, but there's always those people.

She sells 30 million. Someone's doing it. Somebody's doing it. Someone's doing it. Anyways. There's some mom medals too. I don't do Coke. I don't do Coke.

Somebody's buying 30 million metric tons of coke are weak in this fucking country. They're cutting it with Katrina shrimp. And they're cutting it with Katrina shrimp like a motherfucker. If you can think of it. And it's building immune systems. You heard it from your Dr. Joey. Let me read this shout-outs here and we'll get you the hell out of here. Me and Leo close it up.

I want to thank Fancy Yancey Glass for the beautiful pipe. I want to thank fire goddess Beth and her beautiful husband for coming to to the shows. It was great seeing it. Mad Cotis, Tully Fuck One, Alex Cleary, one by one podcast, Pussy Shakes, and John Culler. Pussy Shacks.

What up, Pussy Sharks? All right. Well, thank you for having me. Yeah, no, I'm very excited that you came in. Okay, bye. And thank you. Thank you. And go to Netflix. Go to Netflix.

What do you listen to? Outside? Yeah, I think the cops are you. Cool. It's Confirm Kills on Netflix. And you can also check out my show Forever 31 on Hulu. And thank you. And what's Forever 31 about? I don't even know about this shit. It's a show. I have a show.

It's on Hulu and ABCD, which is ABC's digital platform like NBCSC. So ABC is ABCD. It's a show. I have eight episodes called Forever 31. This is a show about me. My life. You're 31? What was 31 when I pitched it? I'm 33 now.

All right. Good for you, man. You're a little working savage. We're a savage, a baby savage. All right, go take Blanchon. Bye, guys. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. The bottom line, honey. You were a real savage. Thank you. You're the best of life. Wait, I have to walk out in the dark. Yeah, yeah. Leo will run out there with you.

I'll sing a song for these people. If you want, there's a door right next to the thing. Does she? She didn't park inside? No. Oh, oh, no. There's a door. door. There's a door right next. Just leave this door open.

I'll watch you that. Love you. Stay black and be careful. There's nobody out there. All right. There's a couple of black dudes. They just sing so on. They'll give. White people. Thank you. There you go. They'll give you, leave the door open. Just in case that, leave that door

open. The door is right by that gate there. What's up, Lisa? Yeah. How's your little weekend, brother? I had a good weekend. I did ask it again. I know you did. What did you think? It was a way. And you didn't leave the fucking house. I didn't leave the house because Paul was there.

So I didn't want to, I didn't want to abandon. No, you should have taken it with you. That's what the acid, the most important thing about acid. I don't, this is where acid is different from like, you know, ecstasy and all that. I haven't done that, yeah.

No, no, no. And I'm not saying for you to do ecstasy. When we do acid in the office, when we eat a mushroom, it's fun for two hours. But the reason why we don't really have fun is because we don't go out and have contact. Like, I'm scared, too.

I had a question about that. I was going to go out, but then I got a little paranoid because of my eyes, because your eyes really do get super dilated. Doesn't matter. People don't look at that? People don't notice? No, no, no, no. You're not going to make eye contact. What do you think? People out there hypnotizing yet, and I'm making

eye contact. I wanted you to go to a diner. I wanted you to go to a Starbucks. I wanted you to go a Starbucks. at 10 o'clock and just sit there for 10 minutes and look and listen and you go and go never go on the stomachs again man those fucking people either they do something you see it for what it is

well that was my question and I think you told you gave me the answer today you asked me if I smoked anything and I didn't I took a bunch of stars it took like almost a thousand milligrams it's time for a star okay um but like it didn't get as deep as that I have in the past. Like, there was some color stuff, like the ceiling. I have it really, like, my ceiling's kind of textured. I don't really know what that's called, and it kind of swims. That's really fun to look at.

But it didn't really get to that next level. And I think you're right. I think I should have smoked. Yeah, because to smoke it. When you smoke every hour, it rekindles the acid. And then you start going to yourself, I'm not high no more. That shit Joey gave me sucks. And all of a sudden you look at the wall, and you get caught,

looking at something. You're like, fuck that. I'm high. And why you smoking and makes the transition down a lot easier. I'm happy you did it. I'm happy you did it. I really like it. I can understand what people like that.

When I went home that night, it's really funny. When I went home that night, I fell asleep, but I was still tripping. It reminded me of the night my mother died. I fell asleep, but I was still tripping. and what was really weird was that I kept thinking about my options that night. So we did it Wednesday. Right. I was leaving Thursday morning.

Okay. The alarm was going to go off at 4 a.m. No. The alarm went off at 3.30 a.m. Okay. We got home at what time. Remember we did the podcast at 3. I think you went home by like 6.

Well, you went to dinner, I think. No, I went and picked up Mercy. Okay, yeah, right. I went and picked up Mercy, and we went home. I was sitting there, and by 7 o'clock, I couldn't take it. I wasn't high no more, but between the fucking edibles we took and the weed, I was wiped out. You know, I had gone for the blood test that morning. Then I go for the blood test that morning?

Yeah, I think so. And I'm like, should I get on a plane? if I got kidney damage, should I get on a plane if there's vertigo, should I get on a plane to Columbus, Ohio, for all this shit's going on? And I laid down that night at fucking 7.30. I go, let me go to the room, put the fan on, and just take a nap. And the next thing you know,

it's 3.30. It's 3 in the morning. And I'm waking up before the alarm, and I wake my wife up. I went out first and put the coffee on. And in that time period, I thought about, because it was a connecting flight. First, it was a 4 a.m., but it was a great flight. It was a great flight.

It was 6 a.m. I didn't have to leave it 5 anymore. Right. It was 6 a.m. And it got me an hour later, and I got it early. So I went to lay down with all this shit in my mind about, should I leave, what's fucking up my back? There was like three or four questions I went to bed with. And when I woke up at 3.30, they were all answered.

See, that's my favorite part about acid. That was the day. But that was my problem with, at least this time, Wednesday, Wednesday, I did. It's almost kind of scary. Like, it's almost like I'm a little speeded up. And it is speed, I guess. But it's like, I was joking that my neighbors must think I'm crazy, like once a month. Because I just walk around my apartment all night.

I just like, I walk and I talk to myself. That's whenever you call, I'm walking around my apartment. That's just how I think. So, what you're walking on your partner for? I don't know. That's just how I think. So that's what I do on acid,

but it's like kind of manic. It's like you kind of zoom, you do a little bit of the dishes, and then you run around there. But that didn't happen this weekend. So that was a little bit of a bummer, but it was a different experience. I didn't get as anxious as I normally do,

which is crazy to me that you don't get anxious on this when you do these sort of drugs. No. I used to get anxious off this. stars or often edible when I first did a higher dose. Every time I took a higher dose, I would dose myself knowing

that this was it. You put yourself through your own training? Yeah, like one of these doses. That time I took the 500 in San Jose. Okay. That was the biggest dose I had ever taken. And I only really took. If you think about it, I only ate 400. Wow. Because I didn't eat all day, it hit me immediately. Yeah, it did.

And the travel time was a little faster than you expect. That's when I get anxiety. Every time I make a jump, like when we ate the $1,200 that night, there was a minute during the fucking podcast or during the periscope where I got to catch myself. That means it's hit me. That means that I have to stop and think if I'm going to have a heart attack or I'm going to get up and jump off that fucking balcony. Like for a minute there, I got to catch myself. Like, what am I doing with my life?

And I'll send, Vibaldia, and I come back. So it happens to you after you've already done it? Yeah. See, to me, and this is the same with my life, all of my anxiety is before something. Once I make a decision, I'm fine with it. But me making a decision is, it's like pulling teeth.

I hate it. And I'm trying to work on it, but it's still, it's hard. That's where I have all my anxiety. anxiety. That's good to know, fuck-o. Thank you. I appreciate it. I did kettlebells today.

That was fun. I ripped my fucking hand. I've never torn a callus before. Look at you. You're getting calluses in there. There are 28 years old. You finally got a callus. I've had calluses for a few months.

Yeah, yeah. You've seen them. I can see my hand. You see them. Yeah, on the computer. You know, I had a calis when I was 20 from finger-bang and fucking. I had a callus on my finger. You know what I'm saying?

You know, sit there and tell me how to call. Since you've been doing those kettlebells, you get them, cat. You never heard from Dave, huh? No, not recently. That's it. He went his own way. That's up there. He don't want to do it no more.

Oh, we're doing more? No, I took him out to give him to the fucking blanche. Yeah, I took him more. Now, Columbus was great. I've seen some great people in Columbus fired. I want to give a shout out to Sam Baker. He showed up. A couple great fucking people showed up.

I'm not remembering everybody. I just want to let people know had a really fucking good time. This week, as you know, I go to fucking Chicago. It's already sold out. I mean, Thursday night tickets were available. I'm a little nervous. I'm a little anxious.

One thing I do know is I did to work. You're confident in the material? Well, I had that... After last week at Oddball, I felt that might... Because now I didn't go out. in the fun of people I listened to the podcast. I went out into a general audience.

Oh, yeah. And my material wasn't totally offensive, but it was out of the realm. But it's the oddball festival, so they knew I was coming at them. They knew somebody was coming at him. I didn't get the love that Sigura got and Ali Wong and those people,

and I didn't expect it. But one thing I learned was that I had to add more humanity to my set. So when I went to balance out the craziness? Yeah. So when I went to Columbus, I had five really different sets. They were all basically the same, but I didn't do a lot of jokes, a lot of nights. You know, it was kind of weird.

And I just spoke about different things that I just wanted people to know. You know what? This is my first special. It's introducing myself to the United States. People are going to watch this on C-So. I don't want to go out there and do the same dirty shit I've been doing for 20 years. I want them to look at it and go, okay, this is all right. But at the same time, I want to tell them a little bit of a story and do material.

A little bit of story and do material. And the story is about me. You know, should I tell him that, you know, I got, like I tell him, I had last week. And in Columbus, there was two shows where I talked about kidnapping to somebody. I got locked up and I told him the story about Trump. You know, just to break it up, just to see if there's an angle there, I spoke about badees, that bidets are really making a comeback, and that people, you know,

they have the cold water ones and the hot water ones, you know what I'm saying? Cold water ones is tremendous. The hot water ones put you on another fucking plan. Did you install your bidet? Oh, yeah. What do you think? The cold water, it does, it does wake you up a little bit, but it's, I love it. How fast is it going, you muffler?

It goes pretty fast. There's a little knob on the side to do levels, but it's great. What level did you put it up? You know what? I don't know. I just kind of do it to the side. I don't I didn't look at numbers. Yeah, I installed it with Paula this week, and it was great. It took like 30 minutes. Okay.

It comes with a little adapter, and you know that little tube behind, and it only took 30 minutes, because I'm a terrible at this stuff, but it's just a little adapter. I'm going to install it in my outdoor bathroom there. Oh, yeah, you should. It's, and I'm excited to try the warm water one, but the cool, but here's the reason why I love it, because I, I'm a big guy. I sweat sometimes. I don't, sometimes I don't, sometimes I don't.

have the time to take the afternoon shower, but there's nothing like, there's nothing like feeling like you have to take a shower because of that, and this just eradicates it. It's amazing. I hate rotten ass. Once I know I have it, like I feel like my ass is burning or something. I'm like, that means I got rotten ass coming. I can't go out that night. So I just take a complete shower. But with the bidet, yeah, you could take a dump and then wash your muffler in the back of your nut sack. Because that's what the fun guy nailed the vans. You do the back of your nutset? Why not? You're there. on case you show up to a party

once somebody suck your nuts what are you got you're gonna have a clean ass over I haven't tried that yet once you're down there you might as well clean the nut pull the skin back and wash the helmet a little bit are you turning around and like no right there like you're standing there

in your toilet right right the bidet night now you just move back a little bit and put the water on a little bit more powerful and let it hit the back of your nutsack all right you get yourself a stack a little rag You put them next to you.

Like, get like a washcloth. Okay. And cut those in half. Oh, my goodness. You see what I'm saying? It's like an arts project. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with here? And then, okay, but what do you use that for?

Just the balls? Now, once the muffler's clean, because what are you going to do? Just let the water hit it. You got to stick your hand in there like a savage or something with a bar of soap, right? You're saying let water hit it and fucking just hit the muffling. What the assholes and the smell like shit in water. That's true. I didn't think about the soap.

Come on, dog. But then. But then you're sticking, like, soap up your butthole. Tremendous. Tremendous. Somebody stick their nose in your butt hole. It smells like dawn. You know what I'm saying?

You get some of that liquid detergent. So this is like a three-step process is what you're saying. I'm talking about if you're going to go for broke, go for broke. Right. How are you just going to wash your butt with hot or cold water? You got to have some type of, when you take a shower, you have soap, right? Absolutely. And you put in your muffler, right?

All the time. Okay, then. Then what are we talking about? But I have a lufo in the shower. Okay. So you take that little loofy, you put like, let's say you're going to kill somebody, you wear those gloves, you know what I'm saying?

You're going to stab somebody. You wear those fucking work gloves, right? Yeah, yeah, the latex gloves. Latex gloves, all right? Right. And you fucking put a little, let the water hit your muffler, and while it's hitting it,

you take a little cleanse it and you put that in your butt and mix it up with the wash raw and massage your little muffler when you, blizz. and then do the back of your nuts, do the whole nut sack and move around, let the water hit your nutsack, rah, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,

and then you pull the skin back on your helmet and you dip it and let the water hit that and you clean that off of your helmet. That's a little Puerto Rican wash right there, and you take that washcloth and flip it over, drain it in the sink, and then wash around your helmet, and at least you're clean. This portatubby, if I was a hookah, I get a portletubby. I get, what's it called? At halotush.

Hellotushy.com. You think, who the fuck he does it? think you're dealing with you. This is for people who are active now that. This is for anybody who likes having a clean butthole. And they were saying, and this is great for me. Paula uses, and just girls,

use more toilet paper than I've ever seen. This is going to eliminate it. Like, they say it reduces toilet paper usage, and it just, it just feels great. You know what, man? I'm happy that you installed it. Because I thought my wife and installed this week, and she was like, no. Oh, you could even do it. I promise you.

No, I know I could do it. I know I could do. We've been talking about this bidet. The bidet we're talking about it. You can find them on hello-tushy.com. I mean, bidetes are back. I even looked it up that more people building homes with bidet again. Bidays a device that sprays your butt clean with clean water. Okay, you can't beat this. You can have cold water or hot water.

I grew up with a bidet in my house. They're tremendous. My mom had it in our own little bathroom. I would sit there because these are, the bidet is either self-standing, but not everybody has $10,000 to get a plumber to come over to the house. That's why, hellotushy.com, they got the answer. Thanks to their sleek bidet, it clips on to the existing toilet, and it sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water to get your muffler sparkling.

And now when you're sitting there, you're not getting bacteria growing and, you know, hemorrhoids, and yeast infection and just plain old rotten ass. Listen, you take a fucking dump at work. You're sitting there at lunchtime. What do you think cultivates in your asshole by 5 o'clock? What do you think that smells good? There's a party down there now, no. So I'm not saying that you're at work or whatever.

But once you're home, why not treat your muffler the right way on the weekends or whatever the hell you're at home? Hello, tusher.com got the answer, right? Not to mention, like Lee said, but days are better for the environment. No paper, more trees. You get yourself one of those little, like I said, you go to bedbath and beyond, the Costco,

you buy 20 of those little towels and stuff like that. You just can't spray your muffly. You cut them in half, you fold them, and there you go. Hellotushy.com in full motherfucking effect. Each asshole is a pint of water. All right. And let me tell you something. Tushy stands behind that product for 30 days.

So do me a favor. You heard of Lee talking about it. This is a tremendous stocking stuffer for grandpa, grandma, anybody who takes it in the muffler part-time, this is the one you need. Go to hello-tushy.com right now. They're going to give you a deal and a half. I'm going to give you 10% off. So go to hello-tushy.com right now slash church,

C-H-U-R-C-H to give you 10% off delivered to your house. Who's better than you? This is the stocking stuffer you need. Can you imagine everybody? goes to hollow everybody goes to these people's houses for Thanksgiving and they bring a pumpkin pie. Can you imagine you show up to some of these houses year with a portable bidet?

Who's going to get invited to everything in the next couple of years? You cuck, sucker. Go to hello-tushy.com right now slash church. Also, I want to thank my main motherfucker who, listen. Yesterday, I did not fall asleep. This is the second week in a row. I did not fall asleep. I took a plane. I got home. I played with the baby. And I stayed up for a while.

You know why? Alpha brain, bitches, it eliminates the jet lag. You understand me? eliminates it completely. And not only that, you're focused. I take the alpha brain before I get on the fucking plane now. I get off the plane. I get home.

My wife's not home. They're both at church. I fucking dump my clothes. I write up my following week report. I take a shower. I put away my plane tickets and my receipts and the fucking paycheck and the pay stub and how much I pay in the pay stuff. and how much I paint at the fucking airport for parking.

And then when the baby comes, I play with them. I eat with my wife. And once the baby goes down, I go to bed and I wake up at five and I eat with them. I take three-hour fucking nap. And because of the alpha brain, I got no jet lag. And that's the truth, Ruth. Do me a favor. Honest got a great supplier products,

whether it's the hemp force protein or the new mood or the shroom tech or the MCT oil. They're rocking and fucking rolling. Okay? They also have bats, weighted, bats. and kettlebells and all that, but I can't help you there. All I can help you with with the supplement side. Go to Anit.com right now. Take a look at the great selection.

If you see something you like that you want to try, boom. Put in the cart and press in. Church. And get 10% off your first order delivered to your house. All right? They also have the stay on a program where it gets delivered to your house automatically. It's a tremendous fucking website. It's a tremendous product.

I live on it. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. Boom, go to hellotushy.com right now and press in. Church. And get 10% off, all right? Anything else you want to talk about, Lee? You're excited about going to Chicago?

I can't be more excited. I couldn't be more excited. We're going to Portillo's Thursday night with pizza and Greek. Oh, yeah. It's Friday I'm hooking up with my main man, Josh Pissini over there, and motherfucking Chicago, tent planet. Very cool. Eddie Bravo's flying in, so he'll be at the show's Friday night.

You know, he's upset because he couldn't come in Saturday. I couldn't put him anywhere. Serbia is just going to come in Friday and Thursday night. A lot of people coming in Thursday night. Great. Yeah. It's an honor to be a part of it. Bob Lelinkness.

No, no, I'm happy that you're coming. This is, hey, listen, 25 fucking years, people. 25 fucking years. Do you really fucking think I ever thought I was in a shooter special? I mean, in the beginning, I always thought it would be an HBO special. That's all I ever wanted.

When I shot that thing, that's on Showtime, the Paioso Comedy Slam. If you knew by anything in my life at that time, I just took the money and ran. I didn't think that thing was going to add. When that thing had, you know how bad I felt? Because I did a fucking 40% job on that.

Not to mention that it looked like a fucking bump. I just did the set to get the cash to get the fuck out of the New Coke. You know, everything I've done early on was because of the cash. That's why I didn't work out. This is the first time I'm doing this because I think I owe it to myself

You know I owed it to myself You know And I worked hard The last four years It's the stand-up shit Not to mention the 21 before that When I lived in a car

And fucking Took cell phones back And fucking You know I took a big chance In 1995 This makes it all Even now

I don't want to kill nobody No more I'm fine I got a daughter I got a beautiful wife I got a great friend than you I got the great people around me here and I'm about to do something that was a fucking long shot in anybody's life.

Never mind, you know, what I had going on. It was just a complete fucking long shot, Lee. So, you know what, Lee? I'm not even fucking nervous. I'm going to deal with myself. I'm going to go up there and do some material. I'm going to tell some fucking stories. I'm going to tell some things that are going on in my life and wrap it all up and get the fuck out of that. and that's it. That's all I can do. Everything else I can't fucking control. I'm lucky that we have the podcast.

What the fuck is going on tonight? I got like Airport 9 coming over. It's everyone coming in for the special. They're all coming in before. No, they know. But it's, uh, I get the question a lot. I used to get the question.

Why doesn't Joey have a special? Why doesn't Joey have a special? And I, I must imagine you got the question, or at least new people were asking it. And that, I mean, even though it must feel good that people want you to have a special, it must hurt your feelings a little bit that you didn't have one. Not at all. Really? Not at all.

Not at all. Listen, man, I was, I'm very fucking lucky to be here. I always kept that in mind, especially after the longest yard, I realized what had happened. You know, Cheryl Crow has an album. I think the second album Cheryl Crow has is a really great album. And there's a song on that. I don't know what the song is. And she says, most people quit before the miracle happens.

When I was shooting the longest yard, I kept hearing that lyric over and over in my head. Because there was so many times before that I was going to quit. And I kept thinking about when for the first time, Jesus fucking Christ, let me close this door. The only reason, during the longest short, I kept hearing that lyric. Right. You know, and the main thing that I kept thinking about was 1987 when I had a semi-fucking life, and I wanted to quit to move back to New Jersey so I could snort coke with my fucking friends. I think from 99 to about 2000 or 2002,

especially after Josh Wolf got his deal and stuff. I got really sad inside for a while. I was like, what the fuck is going on with me? I can't get arrested out here. But it's like when you're making strides and you don't even know you're making. I was making strides and I didn't even know I was making them. because I was booking something.

I was really alive. When you book something here and people see you, it makes them look at you differently now. Now you're not a jerk off no more. You know what? Give him a spot dog. He was in that TV show. Yeah, but it was a small row.

It don't matter. When was the last time you did something? All right, all right. You know, I wouldn't say nothing. But people treat you differently. You start earning a fake respect. Only shitty people would, would respect you over a fucking one line of the TV show.

But it was interesting to see that I was always making little moves. Between you and me, it wasn't the moves I wanted to make at that time. I didn't want to be on TV. I didn't want to be in movies. You just wanted to stand-up? Yeah, but that's all that was available to me. Nobody would talk to me in stand-up. At all.

At all. The best I ever got was if you come to Montreal in 1999, we'll put you up maybe for the dirty show. And I went all the way to Detroit, and I said to myself, what the fuck is wrong with me? What am I a fucking half a fucking, give me that one right there? I go, what am I a fucking, I'm going to go begging for a fucking spot? My mother raised me better.

So I stayed in the hotel room in Detroit. I went down to Coco's Comedy Club. I got an eight ball of Coke and I stayed in that room for three fucking days. The last night Mimi Gonzalez showed up and slept on the floor, a lesbian, a Cuban lesbian chick. And we talked all night and then we ate breakfast and she went and moved to New York City.

How crazy is that I still remember that type of shit. Why didn't you just go back to L.A.? Who? You? Because for some reason at the time, I thought I wanted to go to Montreal Comedy Festival. And it wasn't until I got to fucking Detroit. I go, I'm not going to Canada.

I was going to meet somebody and we were going to drive across to Canada. I was going to take a bus to the Montreal Comedy Festival. Oh, so was your flight in three days? Is that why you stayed? Like, that was my question. Like, why once you decided you didn't want to go? Why did you stay? Why did I stay?

I had nowhere else to go. Okay. I could have gone back to L.A. I had to be somewhere in the Midwest, the following. week. I said, let me do an adventure. I got the money in my pocket. Let me do an event. I had no money back then in 1999. I probably had $300 in my pocket and I thought I was Johnny Bananas. I'm in a hotel room that costs $42 a night. People getting stabbed next door to me. The towels are real small, but I didn't give a fuck. I was just happy to be in a fucking hotel room on the

road doing comedy, dog. Genuinely happy. No. Genuinely happy. smoking reefer with a little CD case with speakers. I was Joe Jerkaw with speakers. I would write stupid jokes and go to these clubs. And I would go to any club back then. I didn't give a fuck. I would look at the map. If there was four clubs in that town,

I would do four fucking showcases. And that's what I did. I would go to all jokes aside. I would go to Coco's Comedy Club in Detroit. This other place that they took me to, there's another place close to the casinos in Canada. like on the Michigan border that I did when I was there those three nights. I made like, I don't know, $2,300 when I was there that weekend.

So I was eating good. I had a plane ticket to go back. You know, all I needed was a plane ticket to go back to where I started from those days. So let's say I was playing Michigan. All I needed was Michigan and a cab ride to the hotel. And I'd put the rest together somehow, some way. Fucking crazy. It gives me anxiety to thinking about only having.

$300 in your pocket. That's it. No money in the bank. I would put away like I would buy a money order and put my ex-wife's name on it for child support. And here I'd be in the room, snort and coke, and now I got $200 worth of money orders.

And I wish I could fucking sell them for $0.10 on the dime. But, I mean, I was... It was crazy. But that all disappears now. By me shooting this special. What makes it all better is thinking about those nights in Michigan when I got attacked by the Seagulls.

What makes it all better is, you know, being on a bus from fucking Port Authority, New York City to Dallas. And it taken 24 hours and being on the bus awake the whole time, watching people high,

getting off the bus, eating lunch and smoking a joint and getting back on the bus. I got really good at doing that. I would rule like three joints and keep it in my sock because the cops came on there and fucking crazinessly

being on the bus all night like I would just fuck it, what am I gonna do? I got no way to sleep. I might as well be in the bus all night. Do you think that contributes to you not having anxiety about this? The fact that you went through all that?

How about going in front of a judge? There's no more anxiety than that, my friend. going up in front of a judge and not knowing the answer. That's fucking anxiety. So this, I'm taking it with, I could look at this two or three different ways. I could think of this as it's going to change my life. I could think of this is this is going to get me a TV show. Or I could think of this.

I'm just going to go up there and have a good time. What are you thinking of that? I think that, I mean, do you think that's probably what you need for a special? Because if you try to do yourself. You've watched a thousand specials. Right. The funniest ones are where they're having a good time. Oh, hell yeah.

You have to. And when you watch Bill Burr, he's a great pro because he's having a great fucking time up there. And he throws something new into the mix to make everything highlighted. That's the beauty about Bill Burr. When Sebastian's on stage, he has a great time up there. When Joe Rogan's on stage, he has a phenomenal time up there. when when fucking Ari's on stage he has a great time up there for me to do well on stage

I gotta be having a great time who gives a fuck what comes out of your mouth this is my first special if it's an old joke and it's flowing fuck it so be it bitches you know I don't have a closer yet that's a problem so I got three days to come up with a close I got a few ideas you know what I'm saying

I'm a fucking idea man Lee but I'm happy you're coming I'm sad that a lot of people couldn't come. You know, we couldn't get the extra security. Wouldn't allow it. These people want a big insurance for the store. They don't trust, you know, who's going to be in there and how many people and they're going to rent the store out in November.

So this would be the 15th and then the 16th cleanup and construction starts in the 17th. So it's been a nightmare. But you know what? I can't worry about that shit. I'm going to shoot my first special. Thank you for all the love and the support. my wife made some fucking t-shirts just to make them like a commemorative

I don't know what was left she probably had like fucking 11 left or something and the other ones are gonna get taken to the club Leo be fucking handed them out shaking your hand in shit and that's it and that's that motherfuckers

I want to thank Eliza for coming on giving us that beautiful woman perspective that we love here on the church I love Lee for coming on with his new fucking and watch MVMT watching shit, big pimping. Bam. And that's it and that's that, you bad motherfuckers.

I gave you some shoutouts. I gave you some love. Once again, hello Tushy. Once again, Onath.com. I want to thank the people once again that came out for the Columbus motherfucking punny bone. Nothing but love for you fucks. I love Ohioans.

Nobody gambles more than Ohioans. I love you dirty bastards. Anyway, we'll be back Wednesday. I don't know if it's the day or nighttime. I don't fucking know what we feel yet. What do you think, Lisa? Yeah, what do you feel like doing? Because we'll even, I don't know what time.

We'll leave it. Don't fucking matter. I think we should let the spirit guide us. That's right. Tomorrow night, I'm at the comedy store. It's a last no expectation tour. That's it and that's that. Thursday, I'm at Zanis.

That's all that's available. And a Halloween weekend, here we go. The South Point Casino in beautiful Las Vegas, 730 show Friday, 730 show Saturday Going back to Vegas Vegas We're going back to Vegas

Well he don't think so All right We'll see you guys Wednesday night Motherfuckers Stay black Uncle Joey loves you One more time Eliza

One more time Lee Syed How about you say another star? I think I'm good on the star I had eight of them You never go Who cares Nine is a good number You know what it is

It's Russia It's Yom Kapoor Not yet What time? I don't know. All right, look it up. See what time young people is before we stop. Let's see.

See, you're bullshit, meaning. I have no idea on Yonkampuris. All right. Tell me what it is right now. Tuesday, beginning the evening. So it's tomorrow night. And it ends Wednesday evening. Perfect.

So Wednesday. But I have to fast. I can't eat stars on Russia Shana do. Okay. Well, you want for this. Going back to Cali, Russia Shana. Going back to Russia. Rassessana, going back to Cali.

There you go, brother. That's it. We celebrate Yom Kippur. Tomorrow you got a bagel with locks. Boom, who's better than you? Some crackers? You sent Grandma birthday present, whatever, even though she's fucking purgatory. And that's it and that's that. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black.

Thank you for listening for the church of what's happened now. Without you guys, I'd have dick. Thank you. Lee, hit it. cocksucker. The church of what's happening now was brought to you by Hellotouchy.com. By days are back.

Go to Hellotoshi.com and check out their portable devices that spray your butt clean with water. Go to hellotoshi.com slash church right now and get 10% off of your order when you go to hellotoshi.com slash church at hellotoshi.com slash church

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Oh shit. I'm not doing that, motherfucker. I'm not doing anymore. That's crazy. That's crazy. Let's shout. Shake your pocket down to the ground. That's d'all.