The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #422 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: October 18, 2016

Ralphie May, Comedian seen on Last Comic Standing and in multiple Netflix comedy specials, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by: Petnet.com - Go to petnet.com/joey to get your Petnet SmartFeeder, plus free shipping.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/17/2016.
    

This show, the Church of What's Happing Now, would like to introduce you to Petnet. Stop worrying about feeding your pets the wrong amount of food every day. The Petnet Smartfeater will feed the healthiest portions at the right time, every time, automatically. Go to PetNet. Get your Petnet smart feeder, sorry, plus free shipping when you go to petnet.com. That's Petnet.com slash Joey. Petnet.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Onet.com. Go to Onet.com.com. church to save 10% on all of their optimization products like alpha brain strong bone new mood stream tech immune and shroom tech sport oh shit the church of what's happening now bitches

kick that meal leave monday october 17th the day the devil was buried at sea lees lies iat ralphi may uncle joey a little michael shankner oh shit Take out those fucking bazookas. Uncle Joey's in your living room tonight. What's happened, beautiful people? I missed you, cock suckers. Ralphie Mae here. Hey, everybody.

How are you? You know, the same old fucked up crew. It's a Monday night. October 17th. I hope your weekend was fucking tremendous. We had a great weekend. I want to thank Chicago for letting me take my special on their beautiful fucking city,

which I've always loved to debt. I finally got Lee over there. I turned them on to a, A hot beef fucking combo with the sausage. It's so good. With the fucking green peppers and the onions. Forget about it twice. See, that's what fuck me up.

It's not like the hot beef with sausage combo. Right. It's the combo. That's it. Oh, my God. They're crazy. I love it. Which ones do you go to?

Big out. House. House. Strong. It was close to the thing. There was a World Series. You know, there was a game. You don't want to go up there.

We didn't want to go all the way down. Listen, I don't like fucking around. We were tap and I had to do shit in the after. noon both days. So we just kept it light, like Lee and myself, and I got to tell you, it all worked out.

No, we didn't keep a light at all. I'm not to you people. It was just great. It was a great example. It's the reason why I picked that city to do the special anyway. That's amazing.

It's such a great town. It really is. They're great audiences. They're like blue collar, but smart. It's a rare thing. And they're not shocked by shit. Chicago.

Fuck you. How nice. I lost my phone in the hotel. And they turned it in. They turned it into the front. desk immediately. Fuck yeah. At Chicago, man.

Where'd you lose? At the restaurant? I don't know. We were at the restaurant. You got up. When you saw me, you got up because you did not have it in the restaurant. You got up and you left it. You were sitting there playing with the phone.

Yeah, it must have been. You put it next to you and you got up when you saw me and you left it there. Somebody, I felt, I felt terrible because somebody, I lost, I dropped the album when I got there. Somebody gave him a great fucking album, Rainbow, long live rock and roll. We went to eat the Cuban sandwiches. I left it downstairs.

That night. They called me in my room. Yeah. We have your album downstairs. That's amazing. I go, no, I'll get it in the morning. Oh, got it. That's great.

Great little city, Chicago. You know, I mean, listen, man, Chicago's one of those places that once you get into the suburbs, it's a little last American frontier suburbs. Yeah, right. You know, it's really neat, you know. I hate that the whole city is being painted as like the old wild west. You know, I mean, everybody's dying and getting shot and shit like that.

That's only certain parts of Chicago Nobody gets it It is what it is Yeah, right There's parts of Chicago that are fucking bad This parts of Houston Oh my gosh, so bad Yeah

The different element moved into Houston And those areas What we used to go probably Now, they're real fucked up You know, this is going on Across the country Anyway, you just can't say Chicago I mean

Chicago's a little Yeah Chicago's a scary place Look what happened last year In St. Louis Oh my God, yeah Tensions are still like On the verge of that

that's so crazy because I used to go to St. Louis as a kid and man, I remember in like 84. They had this whole 4th of July down there. Okay, I mean, for every white guy there was two black guys. Okay? We're all listening to Cool and the

gang eating fucking hot dogs like Americans, all right? Fireworks, everybody was having a blast. I can't believe that town went to what shit is today. You know what I mean? I mean, it's like I've never seen more people having more fun and no racial BS bullshit anywhere than at that fucking 4th of July.

It was fucking outstanding. Cooling the gang? Are you shit? No, let me ask you this. Where were you growing up that you would go to St. Louis? Clarksville, Arkansas. That's funny because that was the big city from my wife. Yeah.

That's the team you watch when you grow up in Nashville. Well, she grew up in fucking. Paducah, right? No, in between. No, that's good. Kentucky. She grew up in what were the fuck? By Myelin. Oh my God. That's like Jackson.

That's like Jackson. Yeah. A couple hour used to something. We go to St. Louis to watch the games. Right. And then we go to Memphis to watch wrestling. And we go to Hot Springs to go to the horse races. My grandfather would get a place. I'll back up. What type

of wrestling was there in Memphis? Oh, shit. Was it the guys you saw on TV? Fuck, no. We saw him on local TV. I mean, that's where I first met spitting Dick Murdoch, fucking the Funk brothers, okay, man, Jerry Lawler, I saw Jerry Lawler

and Kaufman fucking wrestle. And then, like, two weeks later, I saw Kaufman get beat by a woman, one of these big bitches from Tennessee. I mean, she's a big, probably Mississippi, North Mississippi. Okay, this big bitch whipped his ass, okay?

And this is like a WWE wrestle? It's third tier, but it's legendary, you know, I mean, it was Mid-South and something else. I forget the name of the other one. But, I mean, dude, I went to so much wrestling. I saw Rick Flair win the heavy metal belt from Harley Race. It was his second world championship.

And then I saw Dusty Rhodes beat him. And then he beat Dusty Rhodes again for his third championship. It was tremendous. Blood was everywhere. It was fantastic. That wrestling was so. fucking good dude. I remember as a kid spitting on fucking

Abdulah the butcher. I spit on it you dirty motherfucker okay I spit on him who else I spit on um fuck what was their names? Were you in like the front row or was it like oh yeah oh yeah man all the kids are down there we were fucked up on

suicide cokes that's what you ever have a suicide? I don't think so okay it's where you take a coke all right you tell them just a little ice just a little ice and then you hit every Type of Coke. Oh, yeah, I've done that. Yeah, that's the suicide.

Getting all fucking hopped up on that suicide. We call it rainbow. Like Coke. Dr. Pepper. Oh, God. Okay. Fucking orange. Sprite.

Orange. Orange. Yeah. That's why we called it the rainbow. Oh, Jesus Christ. And what's the suicide? It's awful. Hot garbage.

Cough syrup. Cough syrup. Like the red nightquils. Not even the fucking regatta one, the green one. I used to work at the movie theater and we had good ones. Oh, God. Because we had like access to the icies. Oh, yeah.

So we would make up drinks. We had like the white icy with Sprite was something. We had a creamsicle, which was the white icy with orange soda. Oh, so good. Man, that fucking sounds so good right now, a fucking icy. That bong is deadly, by the way. I just want you to know, I was cruising on nothing and then fucking one hit of that. This little fucking mule.

And you know what? We've had the same bong three times for the reason because we've gotten so high. We take it in the bathroom to wash it. And we leave it there. I was going to say, who's the weak? No, I shouldn't be wee unless you got a mouse in your pocket. Tell them, I fucking, and I buy the same one because I know it's a minute. Listen, since, you know, I got my first bong.

Let's pretend. 1985. Yeah. I got my first bong. And I went for the mid-level one. Yeah, right. It was a purple one with the two. I like the plastic with the fucking pistol grip on the car.

I like that. Hold on, Rolfie. This was, because there was glass and then there was the plastic one, like the plexiglass.

Yeah. Okay. But then some jerk off in 1985 or 86 decides to make a bong that's purple with like dark purple hinges and it had like a carb

and the bottom was flat but it was like this. You see that black surface there? What's that call there on the bottom? That's holding the turn tank. Oh, is it not a plexiglass? It was like plexiglass.

It was like plexiglass. Okay. So. I get this fucking bong, and I use it when she gives it to me for Christmas. I use it from, like, Christmas to, like, March, and then the bong doesn't suit my needs no more. It's maybe up to here. This bong is, what is it, maybe a foot, guys, or 12 inches high, this bong? Maybe.

Maybe. Put your dick out measured against it. No. This bong had to be maybe 18 inches, okay? Yeah. So I used the bong until about March. She gave it to me. 85 for Christmas

and I used the bong maybe to March 86 well something I was cleaning sober I was smoking dope when I was dating this girl and I was drinking but compared to what I was doing two years earlier I was fucking cleaning soap

I mean Lee you think I'm talking about Lee what we do now times 10 but to the fact that you didn't know what you were getting yourself and this was clean and sober for you? This was It's clean and sober.

I got to say... So there's people in my family who think I need an intervention. No. Okay. Okay. So... You want a number to a good rehab. I got one.

Okay. Sure. Yeah. Right. Good. You got to assume from, you know... Okay. Let's be honest.

From here to... Honest engine. Honest engine. Nobody can read with your fucking... I know. I know. just trying to figure that on paper here. I don't have the master scoreboard.

That's next. Yeah, right. We're going to have the scoreboard over here so people could see it. From 80 to 80, from 80 to 85, it was always something. You know what I'm saying? I'm not, I'm not embarrassed to say. It was, no, because it went from. When did your mama pass?

My mom passed November of 79. But before that, I was already a scatling. I don't want nobody to think that all this shit, you know. Already I was doing, I was doing, I was, You were dancing for money at the bar at six. No, no, no, no, but I was already, I had already, by that time when she died, I was already doing acid. I had sold acid that whole summer. I was making a living off acid, a living off a microdata acid.

I had it down to a science, Ralphie. I had it down as such a science. I had to cut a friend of mine in on it. And then the real money maker was black beauties. I would get. Those are the clueless, right? the ups. So I would get a thousand for 45 hours, but I would sell 100 for $35. And then you sold one for a dollar. Are you, Ralphie, you sold 40 of them and you already got your money back.

Right. And you still had 960 of them to do it. There was no, you could, only a loser could lose money on that deal. And I would sell those to wrestlers. Little white kids are doing that now to Adderall. Right. So you get to, but not getting enough of the numbers I was getting to. No. No. Not for those. Those numbers. Walgreens don't get them for those numbers. And these black beauties were fucking solid. I wasn't getting these from, like, I was getting these from these two chemists that were kids down in fucking in a college in Pennsylvania, East Strausburg.

And I remember towards the end, I was opening them up. I was opening them up and just snort them to leave two capsules. So you figure, I think of Lee a lot when I go home at night. I think about drug shit. And I think of about one particular night When I was selling purple micrododacid I probably had by the you know when you sell it Lee You do it

So remember you build your resistance Yeah So I might sell you one and you might do one and get fucked up But meanwhile I got four of them at me Right And I'd be walking around I'd be bumping into people What's up? You got a masculine gummy sell to it

Sell me two hits four dollars apiece You know they cost me $1.80 Not even there were There were $90 for a hundred It's a messacle. So would you walk into a place, fucked up and be like, give me what he has? No, you couldn't walk into bars. Our kids, we were walking the streets.

We'd be walking on side streets, so we'd avoid the cops on Kennedy Boulevard. And I'll never forget what about two in the morning. We bumped into this kid, Vinny. Just roaming the streets of your town? With another kid. And you'd bump into people from West New York. You'd bump into people from fucking Guttemberg. You know, North Bergen.

North Bergen. No, Hoboken was far. the way but the people locally like you that would be on those streets we hawking but we we bumped into a kid from st. Joe's west of New York and I'm talking to me he's loading up his pipe and he goes you got two hits a mask one I never forget this he bought the two hits and he goes get one of those hits and crush it up and put it in the pipe let's smoke it and dog I almost thought my head was going to blow up I looked at him I go I go I've been thinking about this for a year and now you just

said it that means I got a partner that's doing And we smoked that fucking acid. And I got a headache, like one of those in-between head headaches. Did it get you freak out? I was freaking out on the fucking acid already. But to make a long story show, I'm sorry, I went on this tangent with you, Ralphie. No, I love it. When I go out in those days, you really didn't know what was going to happen.

Like, all you knew that was that you had $42. Ralphie had $64 and I had $80. And we were going to go to a bar and have a few drinks. And maybe a package would show up and maybe a quail. would show up maybe a two would show up well you know and it was like well you know and it was like that's what I want to know about the fucking Kuelu like I went from living this fucking going to the ball on a Monday night okay like tonight what's tonight Monday Monday yeah we meet me at uh at sharp wools is at 8 o'clock okay they give out food nice and let's have three

beers we're telling me gonna be a work tomorrow 8 o'clock and joie I can't miss because the Last time I went out with you on Thursday, I missed fucking work because you kept me out between the fucking morning telling me stories doing blow. We can't do blow tonight. My girlfriend gets mad when I do blow. Dog, you'll tell me this before we leave the house, like eight times. And you'll agree with them and you won't make them do blow? No, what I'll say is I don't want to do blow on a Monday. I don't know what the fuck wants to do blowing a month or night.

And all of something, we go down and we eat, we eat like there's good meatballs. The Hynekins taste good and the tap. You know what I'm saying? And all of a sudden somebody would walk in. Dog, I got these fucking quail lutes. oh my god the guy fucked up on the chemicals he put he made a hundred of them but he had to pan that way so all the chemicals went to the fucking bottom of the quailout so the ones on this side is the one he sold this so that's like three strength and next thing you know he's like

jesus fucking christ okay i'll split one with you because i got to get some sleep i'm leaving here in one hour you see my clock like i remember people saying it to me like yeah you see that clock in one hour from now i'm gonna be the fuck out of here and i would just sit there and go this is when I become De Niro and Casino with Mickey Rickles Remember when the plane was break? When the plane broke and now they got you, that's me. At that point, why's you told?

That's fucking, God damn it. What's his name? Don Rickles. Don Rickles. At that point, Lee, that's when you come back and you go, that was Paula. I got to leave here in one hour, Joey, okay? Don't do nothing to me.

I ate the half of Kualoo. That's it. No, I'm not going to have another drink. What do you mean? I'm going to have a drink. Ralphie just bought fucking round. You got to have another fucking drink. And in that meantime, some skinny fuck with a missing tooth walks in and goes,

dog, hey man, you want to buy a grandma blow for 75 bucks? Give me 25 and I'll give you a 50 next one. I mean, and you're sitting there going, it's Monday fucking night. What else can happen here? And all of a sudden, fire walks in. This kid's fire. Joe Lucci's cousin. And he walked.

Did he hear that light bulb and set his hair off a fire? No, it's terrible. And all of a sudden he walks in with fucking volumes with the Vs in him. You know, this was a constant. I never had anyone come up to ask me that. They don't even ask you. They just get a drink. And also they wave and next you know, you go to the bathroom.

And then they got you in the bathroom. Dog, you want to buy these? They're $10 a piece. I give them to you for seven. I need the money. I want to go to New York and get my dick suck. Okay. What are you going to do?

I'm going to pass on some good pills. Let's get it. Come on. I don't pass on the pills, dude. Give me the money. Oh, you're crazy. Give me the fucking 20, Lee. Come on.

You never pass. Lee, give me the fucking 20. Let's get the six bills. All right. Cut this shit. And that's it, Lee. That's how quick it happens. You went out picking you were going to have an orange juice and a hamburger and watch the game.

And you're going home, jacked to the gills at five with a gram a blow in your pocket. And six quailudes you didn't want. And your dicks mysteriously wet. But because I owe you $20, I gave you three of the quailutes to hold. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. To hold. Yeah, because I don't want them either.

I don't want them in my house. George would be holding and didn't even know it. He didn't check the inside pocket. So that was... You pawn off your drugs, essentially? No, not, oh, my job. Make some people carry it sometimes. Listen, not the Coke.

The Coke always went home with pop, okay? Don't get me wrong. The package, there was no putting away. There was people that said, oh, yeah, Graham lasts me a year. I do two lines and put it away. That's great. That's great.

Once I stop, it ain't stopping. It's like M&Ms. It's like cigarettes. It's like anything else. What's put in front of me. I think honestly, okay, for the people at home, okay, Coco is the head preached man over church what's happening now. I've been a member of the church. I might have been the first member.

It was the first. It was us. We started together. And, okay, the last time I saw Coco do exactly what he, because he's talking about the 80s, like he was a demon then. Ten years ago, Christmas, no, Thanksgiving, pardon me. Uh, Coco did a quarter ounce of mushrooms. He smoked nearly an ounce of my wheat, drank beers all day long, and then went down and did the comedy store and copped. Okay.

And that was the last night of evil. Oh, and acid. Acid, too. You had four hits of acid. Oh, my God. What? He ate a quarter ounce of mushrooms. I swear to God.

It was purple. Okay. A quarter ounce. It was purple. All right. And then four hits of acid. smoked at least an ounce of my weed. Drink all my fucking orange juice.

Okay, I had to call the Canyon store twice to come up and bring more orange juice. Tell them about those sandwiches, though. Oh, dude. Are they still there? Yeah, yeah. Tell them about the sandwiches used to buy. Okay, I get them to set up a fucking chicken salad on toast. Nice.

Stop. With avocado on? Yeah, avocado and tomato. Jesus Lee. Damn, Lee. That was fucking straight juke food. Tell them about the time. we went to that place.

You took me to that place and there was ants in your sandwich and you sent it back and she still gave you a bill for half the sandwich. Oh yeah. Because she said that there was only ants on the one.

Tell these things. Tell me how filter. Where the fuck is that spot? The place next to the laugh factory. Oh my God. Yeah. At the last comment, you should take me there every other fucking party.

Yeah, Greenblats. Greenblats. The fucking bitch charged me for half the sandwich because they had ants on it. Listen, I saw it my own eyes. He had an ant. on his arm and I go Ralphie

why do you have ants and he looked at the sandwich and he was what the fuck he lived at the sandwich and it was like three ants also he put the sandwich down he called the waitress over he killed like three ants

he goes that was in that she goes which side was it which side was it she fucking picked it up and came back with the half and then the bill and billed him for the whole it was the most ridiculous

fucking thing they got they must hire the dumbest fucking people too um I went there the time before that and I got a

a fucking salami and egg sandwich, okay? That's a strong move. Okay? Late at night, boom. I had a couple of pops. Some stoned it's bone. Boom. That's great. And they fucking fried up the salami and the goddamn they left the plastic on the outside

so it burned. It's all toxic. And I'm like, what the fuck? Okay, just send this back. Fuck it. I don't want to eat anything here. Then I got high with you and we fucking went back to that fucking place. How careful you have to be in Los Angeles with the food. Oh my God.

Nobody gives a shit. He thinks I tease them. No, you always used to make fun of me because I would get pepperoni. The reason I haven't got pepperoni in a few months is because they would always leave the plastic on. I'd be eating it and plastic would come off with every bite. Oh, my God.

Where do you get pizza? Ralphs. No, no, no. I would make sandwiches. Oh, my God. Really? And every bite would have the ring around. So I'd have to tell them.

And like the third time it happened, at different rounds. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, I make pepperoni sandwiches. No, I'm not mad to you with the pepperoni sandwiches. So as you're reading it, as you're reading it, the string is still on it. Yeah. You have to take that off, guys.

I know. You have to take that off. I think L.A.'s problem is it's like an airport. When they cut it, they cut it this way, right? Yeah, they slice it like the- wrapper on it. Yeah, but not the fucking plastic. No, it was a plastic.

It's a plastic. No, there's a difference between the, like the wrapper of the casing. I'm used to that. Oh, we eat the casing, right? We eat the casing. Yeah. Okay. No, but it was, it was like, you can't take casing and like, fud around it.

This, like, I've had pepperoni. Trust me, I've had pepperoni before. There's no, there's not that. And I, I've told them. And when you tell them, you can see a difference. But that's why I can't, I don't go to the, like, I did something really weird today. What did you do? What did you do?

Oh, my gosh. I left. I left my cart at Ralph's. I got pissed off because they, like, they didn't have what I wanted. And, like, the deli counter was full, like, way full. and I was looking down on my cart. Cold water? No, Magnolia.

That's a busy fucking one. Magnolia across from the barbecue place. Barbecue place. The Dax, you know, how there's open mic? It's right across, it's right past Lankersham. Oh, you go to that? Hellhole? Yeah, yeah.

Why do you go to that route? It's right near everything I go to. No, that's the worst one. Don't go to that one. That's why you get shitty cold cuts. They don't have, they don't have good coat cuts there. They don't? No.

Where do you go? to the rouse up by fucking cold water and any other rouse but that one they don't have a slice and they give it to you from the thing no no they have a slicer yeah but they give me the shit they give me yeah most of the time they do that no they don't have the good cold cuts you can't go there you know gotta go to violent violent that's where i go magnolian violent yeah yeah no make up your fucking you said across the street from the barbecue place yeah no no not that don't that dump that dump is a dump Okay. That's a dump.

That's where that jack on the box is. There's something in there. Yeah, there's a Carl's Jr. Yeah, that's why you go there. There's a subway, too. That's why you know why that is. That's why a cuck sucker. You don't think I know, but I know, okay?

I've been there. No, you can't go to that one. You've got to go to the one by Ventura and Violin. Underground parking, very nice. They got the bread that you could cook yourself at home. That is. Yeah, dog. What the fuck you think you're doing?

You go to the worst? You even pick the worst supermarket. No, there's a worst one. There's one. Memorial Canyon and victory where they don't have a deli counter. That one's scary. No, no, no. I went there once.

Listen, the scariest place you go to is what's the one? Used to be Johns. Oh, I live near that too. John's. Scary. All Russiany. The one on sunset. By the Burke.

Food for less? Food for less. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. I know. I wanted to go in there with fucking, like, get a bunch of newspapers. Like, I'm about to get shanked in the yard. When we lived in Hollywood, my wife.

If I go in and I go if I go with you. Right. Your parking was scary. Everything was scary. One of the funniest jokes about that place is Felipe. Felipe goes, food for less is the only place you go and there's drug dealers in the aisle. Come here. Like this fucking.

It is a fucking night. How is? He just shot his CD in San Jose. Fucking so good. No, DVD in San, or whatever, a special. You know, he's married. Felipe's a great guy doing a great podcast with what's his name. With my brother, Silent Bob, who we have to get in here.

I have to do his podcast. Oh, fuck, yeah. What do? Roger Gouros. Yeah, Radigo Torres. We have to do his podcast. I've just been so busy the last two fucking months. So, you know, listen, we're still all here, Ralphie.

I know. I just had Willie with me. You know, Rogan's doing his thing. Fucking. Man, Joe's doing it big, man. You know, Dan Cook is working. Fuck yeah, yeah. Duncan's working.

Ari's working. We're still here. You know, I guarantee that nobody penned us to be here. No way. Josh Wolfe was in Syracuse this week. He's working. You know, I mean, I like, I like Cues. Cues in the house.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Cuts in the house. Oh, my God. You know, we sit there. We were the original sunsitters. You know. Yeah, man.

Me, you, Wolf. Dougie Mitch Hedberg Nick Apollo that whole neighborhood was rocking dude I just hung out with Dougie

just coming he came and stay with me and Andy Andrews and fucking junior stopka all right they all came

and hung out of my house was fucking hilarious those motherfuckers oh my God okay if anybody out there is an entertainment

put a camera on those motherfuckers they're all degenerates they're all fucking weird and they're extremely goddamn funny. And they brought

over these singers Bird Cloud, which are fucking hilarious. A Google washing my big old pussy. Okay? Yeah, that's a real song. And they passed, when I've passed out on my couch and my dog biscuits

went up and face fucked her. Like, hey, something's wrong with your lipstick. Let me dodge it up. He had his little pingita off, Coco. He's awesome. You know, I think you were there when I was talking about it. This is what baffles me, okay? It baffles me.

You know, when you go on the road, when you watch TV, when you're on the road? Yeah. When you come back from your two sides and you're sitting there, you look to go bucks, you know, and you put the fucking ESPN on. You're going through channels, and there's the original. You have a movie on TNT, you've got something on USA, you know, you've got FX as to strand on or something. And then basically you have the three networks, you have the pay networks, HBO, Showtime, whatever. Then you have a bunch of ESPN.

You have more ESPN channels than ever and more Fox Sports than ever. And you're going through these things. And at that time, from 12, 1130 to fucking two, it's these talk shows. that these sports shows have put on. And you look at this, you watch them, and then you try to, you watch them, you listen to the topic, you look at the two people doing it,

then you step beside yourself and you go, I'm not even talking about myself or Ralphie Mae or Jane Moore, who knows about sports, who's got a little sports show. Why don't they have more? We could do this. How can Brody Stevens is,

you were there, when we were talking about Brody? Yeah, oh yeah. Who's killing it? on now all this internet shit we're doing in my world is basically the developmental

deals they would give you 20 years ago they don't have to pay for them no more all they have to do is sit tight and go this guy movement with Ralphie Mae over here boom give him some money let's see who we could take this now he's doing fucking periscope you know he's the king of the internet

as far as I'm concerned oh yeah Stevens I can prove it probably so goddamn funny though it's not even about the funny this is the shit he's doing on there. So you need to tell me you're not at home right now. And your phone rings and goes, Ralphie Mae. You know, I would never bother you at night, sir. This is Joey D. How are you doing? Joey,

what's going on? Listen, I don't mean to body. This kid, fucking Brody Stevens. Do you have Periscope? I've been aware of it. My daughter watches. She watches the cooking show on there. You should watch this Brody Stevens. What would it cost you to put them on

FX 92? Yeah. A new outbound channel. That's for fucking millennials and crazy people. That's what you call it, okay? Brody be great. An hour with Brody Stevens, coffee with Brody from 7 to 8. Think about it. How bad can it be? Listen, there's podcasts.

I know this for a factor and you know this too that are doing better numbers than most TV shows. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. And I I think what I, you always ask me what I've learned. I think what I've seen. and everyone on this like sports radio sports podcasts

news podcasts not yet they're getting a little bit but they're not the thing they don't have is personality and entertainment and I think I think the big people like ESPN and Fox Sports don't really want that they want it to a degree but not really because comedians

comedians have taken over podcasts it's not even close it's not even and some of them are bad there are a lot of bad ones but the good ones, the good ones are could. That's why that's why Jay Moore is good because he's, he's a comedian, he's entertaining, and there's people on those sports talk shows that you're talking about that are just awful.

And they have, they have the ESPN voice, which is annoying to listen to. So it's like, it's like almost like the athletes when they have those athlete interviews and they're like, oh, we're just on to the next team, whatever, they're not really saying anything. What would it cost to put Lee with two, with Alonzo Bowden? Okay? Deadly. What would it cost ESPN to put Lee Alonzo Bowden?

Give me something about Jason Thibault. Tebow, you could have Ian Edwards for soccer. Like, there's a lot of comedians who have. It's just mind-boggling. It's incredible. It's just a waste of talent. I'm not talking about Joey. I'm not talking about my friends.

I'm talking about I'm watching something that's unfucking watchable. There was one day on that with Derek Rose and the white guy. Yeah, horrible. Oh, my God, the white guy is terrible. Derek Rose, I thought he was hanging out with Doc Goodden. You know, he's fucked up. Yeah, something happened to him. I don't know what.

And I love all that shit at night. I watch that shit and cheer for it. There's one show with three black guy, one of them had dreads. Unwatchable. Unwatchable. You know what? They don't have nothing for the Smash Bros. Put the Smash Brothers on to do a show with a video show behind.

them with a video camera two in the morning. This is the shit I want to see. This is why these channels are starting to open up. What? Somebody's going to go, you know what, what's it cost me to start a streaming fucking thing? I can put three fucking shows on it. I can stream them on YouTube.

Brody Stevens 24-7. You wake up with Brody and you go, it's from 7 to 8 with Brody in the morning, and then like 12 to 1. The last two stops on the night for Brody. The Comedy Store main room or the original room. and where he goes to eat. He's deadly.

He's deadly. He's deadly. Because he knows so many fucking people, man. I mean, I don't think people really understand. I was at Fox and Tom Brady walked up to Brody Stevens and was like, hey, Brody, how are you? And that's fucking Tom Brady, man. Okay? And he was like, oh, my God.

And Bray was doing good, man, you know, feeling good, doing good. Positive. He didn't say positive, but that'd been hilarious. It just kills you. I don't see it. I see it, and I'm not even by,

I'm not even sitting there like both of me. I'm not even close to Brody, but he's fucking funny, man. I wouldn't be like one of those guys that would go, oh, look at this guy, I could do away, but no, no, listen, I'm old. I'm talking about Brody Stevens

and what he does on Periscope. So fun. What he does on Periscope, it just, you know, and this is what kills me sometimes. You don't want to be that guy. It's like 5,000 people watching. Fuck in the mornings.

He lives weights. He goes to baseball games. He plays the drums for no reason. He's in the middle of traffic. Just fucking just beating the shit out of his staring wheel with drums. Listen, I get on there and smoke dope. I'm just a fat fuck in the morning talking shit behind a bush. You know what I'm saying?

I don't have the balls yet. I don't have a ball. I can't smoke in the house. If I can smoke in the house, I have the cats in there every day. I'd have pure fucking entertainment every day. But I can't fuck with the cats. I know. You believe in Jesus.

You can't do that, you baby. No, I can't. I can't fuck with the cats and get high in front of him and shit. That shocked him. That cocaine thing with Finney, he never came back. He lost that fang and shit. They never got with me. Once you lose a fang, you're like, shit, this shit's real, Jack.

Hey, this is hilarious. I remember, I was reading Doug Stanhope's new book, okay? And I remember in all the crazy shit we did around fucking Hollywood. I mean, everything from Doug, there was this guy, Blackjack, something, okay, that Doug would just be annoyed by, like so fucking annoyed. And I'd be over there and we'd be playing Scrabble or something or just fucking, you know, just being, you know, I bring over coffee. We'd fucking go over jokes and shit. And Black Jack would just show up because he knew where Doug was and Doug had his door, you know, the screen door. open on the Curzon apartment

and every time he'd come in Doug would just nonchalantly slide a videotape of outdoor anal fucking gang bang okay this girl had two dicks okay all right all these cums and shit in there oh my god it's horrible

it's like a blizzard you could turn it upside down Lee all right and and and and while mouth was agape okay all right just gurgling Cumbs is disgusting All right

A fucking fly Who fucking came in All right And that fly was there On the head side of her ass out When the next dick came in And you can see it going In and out

With the fly And the puddle of cums On the end of that guy's dick All right And we'd just be drinking our coffee And Doug and tell me Whatever you do Don't look over there

Don't look nothing All right Just my I don't care what he asked you What did you get here? When did you get here exactly? 98. Okay, so I got here.

I get here January 29th of 1997. Coco, okay. I'm here a year before you. That's what you're telling you. A year, a year. But, bro, okay, you got to understand. All right. We were all disciples of Stanhope.

We're all disciples. All disciples are Stanhope. Everybody who's really been on the road fucking knows Doug Stanhope is fucking the best rocking today. So when I get here, he's a big shot. He's got a guy from Vegas living with him. That's a part-time bodyguard. That's a dunce. He really doesn't part-time?

Like, he's just a retard. He wasn't even like bodyguard. That was a big guy, right? Yeah. He was a big guy. He died. Guy rested, so. He was a dunce.

You know, he was a fucking dumb-dum. He was like, Doug's going to make it big, and I'm going to be his bodyguard. He got a big jacket. I don't like balushy. So I get here with the broad. I'm living with this girl in the trailer.

We get into an argument. She throws me out. I'm living with Doug in the bunk bed. No. I'm living on the couch or somewhere. I don't know what the fuck in there. Doug's dating the Redhead. Oh, yeah, from fucking...

The TV show. God damn it, what was that show? Head of the class. Head of the class. God damn, she was hot. With the girl with Tyson's wife, for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

She was fucking hot, though. You got to give it to her. That fucking Redhead was a hot piece of ass. All right. And Dougie was deep into that. Okay, he was like all in. So he used to hang out of coaching horses. I was never a big...

I could count on my hands how many times I went to coaching horses. Coaching horses was one of those bars, ladies and gentlemen, that was just real. And you felt the pain in there. And I had been in bars like that growing up where there's bars,

and then there's bars where if you're going there two in the afternoon, there's people in there. And there was no light in there. None. And there were some people who were in there that were vampires, but there were some people

who were in there, because they thought they thought they were cool. Oh, yeah. And that was not the place to be if you thought you were cool. They'd suck you in and spit you the fuck out there. Because I did a ton of blow on that bathroom. Yeah. Every time I went in there was because I was joan out of my fucking mind.

Dougie was the fucking best. He knew I didn't have a pot to piss in. And he would always, he was like, hey man, I can talk to you. All right. You're a fucking comic. Let's go over to coaching horse. all right and we just

go walk over to the coaching horses and it was a bud light and a middle light for Douglas and just have a beer and it was

I remember one night we were at the coaching horses and this guy besides us was talking all this shit about faggots we've got to kill

all the fagots goddamn fucking mother butt fucking faggots the good all right and and Doug goes fuck yeah

And Doug's amping him up, okay, and getting him with him like this. And then Doug fucking grabs my head and makes out with me, okay, at the fucking bar. All right. And this guy's, oh, my God, what the fuck? All right. And Doug goes there. Ha! All right, another beer.

And a shot. That was a shot. That was a fucking. It was a complete. It was weird maniacs. Complete different times. I remember one night. Nobody's like that now.

I walked in there and got so gacked up. that I walk right back to Josh Wolves. That's when I had the car, but the battery was dead. So I was just going to car and put the seat back and lay in there. And hopefully after 10 minutes, I put the blanket on me and jerk off. And then put the seat back and open the windows because I'd be sweating at death. All I needed was a suicide note, and I die in that fucking thing. Oh, my God.

Is that why you had so many tickets because you couldn't move it? There was sometimes that the car would start, and sometimes towards the end, it was a mystery car. I had to remind I was just, I got to tell you about this because it's so fucking funny. Because we were on the road with Douglas, okay? And I remember we were sleeping in his, in his

Osomville Cutlass, okay? And we fucking rigged of booze and he was doing the porno fucking closer with the beer all over him. So he just smelled like fucking stale beer, cigarettes. And it's in Houston in like April. And so when that fucking sun comes up, it's 110.

Okay, that's when we both fucking woke up out of our fucking stupor, sweating like pigs. And Doug goes, uh, Ralphie, can I, uh, can I just butt fuck your titty or something like that? It's really wet. Get out of here, you fucking creep. But that's how it was, he was just fucking bananas. He was crazy. He was bananas.

He was bananas. He really, really was. crazy. He banged pokey. That's amazing. Okay? That's deadly. You know, seeing him opened up my mind. Like seeing dice on tape that New Year's got me

on stage. But in June of 96, I saw Doug Stannell. Now, and I've said this before, excuse me, I was a host at the broker and the first time Doug came and he stayed with me. I had just gotten separated.

And Doug stayed with me. That was the house MC. This is 92. Wow. Then he came I didn't even know him then. Yeah. Then he came back six months later and he had evening at the improv. And he stayed with me again and we kept in touch for a while. Then we disappeared

out of each other's radar. And then I get to Seattle. And people are talking about this fucking Doug Stanhope. He won San Francisco. He's the funniest guy in the country right now. And I'm like, is this a little guy with hair and he's crazy and like that. And by the way, this guy stayed with me.

Hold on, man. You got to give him his dues because the guy who came in second place when Dougie won the San Francisco comedy competition was Dane Cook. Okay. And Dane was a motherfucker on stage. You think he's something now? Holy fuck that kid lit it up. And, I mean, every time standing goes, I've seen Mincea get him like that.

I've seen Chappelle get him like that. Sam Kinnison get him like that. that but fucking I'm telling you man a kid's deadly dude okay thank cook and Dougie still beating and it was it was murder it was something that Lee it was completely different than what was going on at that time like at that time comedy for me was MTV and it was on every channel but VH1 had comedy on Sundays yeah MTV had two different comedy shows evening at the improv was out the three shows would put comics on this before Jimmy Kimmel and you just had

Letterman and Carson you know all that stuff so you had all this comedy and then this the first two times I saw Stanwell he was just a mid-local or racy type comic I thought he was funny but they were funnier guys that time

I saw him in June of 96 it threw me fucking off threw me off that I couldn't I didn't go back on stage for two or three fucking days like it made me think about Do I want to keep doing comedy? Fuck, yeah. Or do I want to get a day job?

Because I don't know if I can be that good. That being that good is something completely fucking different. Dude, I had that feeling when I saw Hicks for the first time, when I worked with Kennison, and when I worked to Dougie and when I worked with Mitch. I got the same thing. Like, what the fuck am I even doing? Yeah. Like, what are you doing? That's when you know, you're like, what is that?

He's that good. Yeah. Do you think it's like work or do you think some people just are born with a certain thing? level. I think there's both. I think there's Dougie was seasoned. He had a certain thing in his personality that gave humanity to an act that I hadn't seen before. Pryor was great. Carlin

was great. You know, at that time, Nick DePaolo I knew from Young Comic Specials and Judd Appleto. Bill Hicks. Bill Hicks, I didn't really know. Are you? Let me just think before I answer that real quick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, please. Yeah, by 96th.

I loved Hicks and Kennison. And Hicks had... Hicks was great for me, but when I listened to his stuff, it turned... It was a little preachy towards the end. Yeah. And that's when I... There was one particular tape when... Anyway, it doesn't really matter.

Once I saw Stanhope, it took me three days to realize what my next move was. Three or two days to decide whether I'm going to get a day job. Well, I got to go for this and work harder, but I got to be that guy. I got to be that loose I got to be that free You got to be that dangerous You have to be that You know out there

If not you're gonna be like the rest of the fucking do it That's why when he came here He was getting banned from the improv The time he went to To the festival and he That burned victim And he told the guy the guy that moved For some shit

You know he fucked a chick in Bill Maher's bed And he had a write an apology It was nonstop They had never met anything like them at that time. He just walked into the improv. And the improv, you know, they're not the comedy store. They're not gangsters. No.

They're writers and they, you know, oh, my God. They're witty. Yeah, they're witty and shit. He walked in there and changed it. Back in the day. There were rumors that he was walking people on Sunday nights, like walking the improv and shit already. That's what, you know, he fucking created,

and he made it on his fucking terms. He went to war with 20,000 club owners. 20,000 of them on his terms. Yeah. He got his balls shaved on stage. What? Oh, my God. The chick never recovered.

The chick who shaved his balls, she ended up getting raped at the magician castle. What are you talking about? Just. She lost it just from... We're not laughing about her getting raped. No, no. If you know this girl, it's a fucking nightmare.

It's a nightmare. It's a... That was like the 30th one, right? I don't know what. I don't get involved. I just know something was not right there. But, yeah, everybody who shaved his balls that night was the kiss of that somebody got into a car accident.

Oh, my God. And he hasn't stopped. You always, whenever I go on the road with you, you're like, you know, it's not always like this for comedians. Sometimes they stay in bad hotels. Like, right, they stay in bad hotels every night, and they actually sell stolen hotel bibles for merch. Who does that?

Doug Dan Hope. He went to a baroscope one day, and he was, like, taken. He signs him And when he runs out of merch he sells at the hotel Bibles And they love him, man His fans love him He's the real deal He's the real deal man

From his head And you gotta You really have to You have to appreciate that Especially when you're here And you see all this bullshit You see people pull up with a nice car And the ripped jeans

And they got the agent with him And the whole thing Thug Stanhope has a fucking manager that two weeks ago was an assistant manager at Burger King. And he just met him. No, he's a good dude. What's his name?

Chaley. Is he? No, no, I don't know which one is that. You never know what Doug. The one time the guy had rolling papers and beers. He just met him. No, no. This is a different dude.

He's professional. Really? Yeah, yeah. It cracks me up. This guy's actually got Doug fucking organized and fucking handled. It's incredible The guy is great

He bust his ass Immediately when he came in He got Doug all settled in And fucking Found out the ticket counts Exactly Fucking went Did merge

Checked in Four hours before Came back Make sure Doug was alright Had his suit Press for him Ready to fucking rock and roll It was

It was a fucking It was That's how a tour manager should be The guy's in good hands He doesn't let him, he doesn't drink, if you got to go anywhere, he doesn't drink, he always makes sure food's fucking awesome, everything's safe. It's a fucking, that's, he's the cleaner, okay? He's the fucking wolf, okay, of, of the Doug fucking circus, okay, is, is, is, this guy's

wrangling up. I mean, he used to leave bitches in his wake and women booing, and he used to, Okay, and then boom, he just pop up like once every three weeks or some shit He disrupted a lot of comedians he did He disrupted their thinking Even at the comedy store where that shit is born Right He disrupted a lot of Lineups and

Yeah, they put him on, she put him on at 845 Are you fucking kidding me Because he looked like a nice guy He looked like a nice guy That's what made it so dead. He would destroy at 845. I mean, destroy so deep that it would ruin the show. He'd destroy it.

How does it ruin the show? It's just because it's over. It's over. It's fucking over. The comedians know it's over. The comedians are back there going, how could Doug Stanhope be going up at 845 at fucking night? Yeah, it was deadly.

I lived with him, and it was great. I got to be honest with you. I used to get up early. He slept late, so I get up and leave. He had an extra car for the comedians. Yeah. That you had to put gas in it because the gas meter was broken. So you never knew where you stayed.

So as soon as you got in the car. You know that was a total scam, right? Was it? Yeah, total scam. That's the only only way you get comedians to put gas in his car. That's amazing. Yeah, man. So what do you do with the?

Was the needle busted or not? No. The fucking needle worked perfectly. Okay? You just tell everybody put extra gas in. It's broken. That motherfucker was on E. I'm telling you, I'm telling you.

I'm telling you. It was a total scam. No, no. I ran out of gas and that fucking thing one time. Well, that's on you, B. No, that motherfucker. That motherfucker was on E is disco. I go in there.

I put $10, but it's one of those Buicks that you go to Santa Monica. It was the same. It was the Ozoneville Supreme. Yeah, the Ozoneville Supreme. Fuck yeah. No, that thing was busted, Jack. Fucking beat the shit. I put like $30 in that motherfucker one time and it didn't move, Jack.

That thing stayed on E like a motherfucker. That car was at like fucking, when he got rid of, I think he's like 400-something thousand miles on that car. That's fucking incredible. Yeah, like a, I think I even slept in it one night. Dude. One night he locked me out. I slept in that motherfucker.

That's how tough that car was. I slept in many times. Oh, my God. Doing C.W. Kendall gigs. It was. and Shirley Bono, she had some good gigs. Ralphie, how the fuck? That was just terrible.

Marty Schilling. I were walking your house at night. You'd have the fucking bloody marries. Oh, yeah. With fucked nut and somebody else. I'd have like $32 worth of cocaine in my pocket. Yeah. We'd drink vodka, smoke fucking weed.

Yeah, I never did blow. No, Jesus. I got too many risk factors. No, no, no, no. That was a long fucking time ago, though. Yeah. That was a long fucking down. I was a good building, man.

Every time I drive. It was rocking, man. I don't even go in it. I don't do nothing. Every time I drive by it, my heart stops. I don't. I always want to take lead out of compadre. And I go, you know what, man.

I'm not ready for that yet. Yeah, right. I'm not going to go back in there. They got a good tamalee on a Monday night and shit before. You know what I'm saying? But I took leads to Joe's pizza. He likes that better. Oh, yeah, that's good pizza.

Yeah. I don't think I've been at Joe's. It just really. weird when you compare what our life is so much different than what it was what our life was in 2000 compared to what it is now.

You were already at the laugh factory. Yeah. You were already making it happen. I mean, you know, I was over at the store slumming spots. She was giving me spots. That was my only bright hope. Yeah. But I was there, you know, that fucking building, Ricky Cruz, Gavin, you. I'm working

with him in December. Yeah, yeah. A lot. Oh my God. There was so many people I had that Celine then. The other one, Gentry, you know, you just found the fucking cubby at night to sleep. Yeah. Thank God that was the way it was. I had the futon for you, but that's why. That's why, until I busted it.

Didn't I bust that futon? I busted somebody. I think I busted it, man. I think you rebusted it. Jesus Christ. But at least you didn't, you know, push a turn down my bathroom. Okay, Drain. That was always for Gavin.

I appreciate that. I still remember being out there. I was telling Lee that I'm out there. I was telling Lee that ever since I've been a kid, I still remember a fucking story, a horrible thing I did when I was a kid. I loved matches. When I was a young kid,

when I was about five or five and a half or six, I became a fucking match kid. I went through all these phases because I'd never dad. I was a little confused. I would lock myself in my room, and I would take my mother's 45, 5s, you know, from the bar, they always give you back the little things.

Yeah, the singles. The singles. There'd be kids playing out there, and I'd whizzed the things out of them and shit, and catch them in the head and stuff. So when that got boring, I said, let me try this. I tried lighting them on fire, and they wouldn't burn. Like, they wouldn't burn. So I put, like,

glue on it or something, and they would burn a little bit. I'd throw them. What the fuck? I was like, I was like, I'd throw some Indian shit. That motherfucker's dumb. I was crazy. So when I was about six, I lived at 205 West 808. And if you even go to West 20580s, right now, parked the car and go to the end of the building,

not on the Amsterdam side, but going towards Broadway, it's a parking structure. When we were kids, that wasn't a parking structure. That was a garage that was closed down. On the wall, there was a sign that said no parking, and that was the basketball thing. You had to hit that with the ball, the score. but if you went deep down into that,

it was just nooks and crannies and paperwork from time to time a rat would come out of there and we beat him up with a stick. It was just a parking. It was just a parking. What the fuck? Oh, this is crazy. Wow, man.

It was just a parking spot, a huge parking spot that was empty. But you could get to behind the other building. Go ahead, Lee, I'm sorry. No, no, no, keep going. You could get to behind the other building. And in those days, I would do. like fucking all that paper from back there by myself.

I can't believe I'm saying this shit now because I never even talked about this shit. I would get all that paper and I would stuff it in that. You know, like when you walk down people's stairs and I would light fucking fires, that'd be six or seven. I was a little fucking pyro. And I kept doing it and people kept fucking like, you know,

it was Joey Diaz. Even then, people kept saying like, what the fuck is going on? It keeps lighting these fires. And they couldn't put, together that whenever I got there that's when the fire would start like somebody would go you smell smoke

and then I would go yeah it's behind back there and then people go back there and then people go back there go holy shit there's a fire and I kept doing this shit I would do it in different spots on 88th Street 89th Street that was fucking crazy Ralphie man what do you like about it

do you remember just just I look some stuff on fire too see yeah I just like that I think a lot of kids go through that. I just went through this phase where I just light and shit on fucking fire and I would buy cigarettes. I would get cigarettes.

That was a smart way. And I would just, I wouldn't smoke it. I would just light it, light it, light it. And I would breathe on it or something. And I would try to keep it alive and I would fucking burn little things in newspaper and fan it. I was just crazy. But one time

I burnt one of those stoops, and there was something going on, that fucking stoop. went up in the fire department and I stayed in for about a week because they said they had witnesses and shit they saw the kid running away I took that jacket

I hit it under my fucking bed that's what stopped me from lighting those fires anymore but I lit more fires as I got older I used to light the woods on fire in Jersey oh yeah we were crazy once that shit got out popular

I was the king of that shit I loved all that shit just got a bunch of sticks lighting fires and sitting there. I wouldn't light fires like the California people or not in these woods like this. This is woods in Jersey. Those woods have been getting burnt for years.

They don't want to shut off. They shut off automatically. You know what I'm saying? Those are Jersey woods. They just shut off. No firemen need to show up and shit. It's not a union fire. No, it's really crazy that but it just went away. It was just a phase I was going to, but you know, I was

telling, you know, the other day I was smoking and I'd flick the fucking ashes. the joints and shit. Always at me, at least once. And Lee would always look and go, what these days are you going to light that three out five? And I told him the story about living in Gavin's. Gavin's at work.

I'm on the phone. Bop-da-bap-a-bba-go fuck yourself. I'm arguing with this guy trying to get booked in this city, trying to get booked in that city. And, you know, sometimes you get somebody on the phone, and you're on a row. You know, and you're smoking a cigarette. You smoke on a joint.

It all enhances you. You're on a row. You're smoking. you're smoking. And also I'm smoking the cigarette. There's the back alley of 1440. Okay. Okay. I love this.

Okay. Okay. But this is no. This is, yes. This is across the hall. Okay. So the windows open. I'm smoking cigarettes like a motherfucker.

I'm smoking cigarettes. I'm chasing joints with cigarettes. You know me, Doug. I'm one feet. It's 9.30 in the morning. I'm on the third joint I'm on a pack of cigarettes and shit camel lights and I'm throwing these cigarettes out the window

half lit on fire right and all of a sudden you hear now I did not know there was anybody out there I hear ah I go what the fuck and I keep hearing this who the fuck lit me on fire and I'm sitting there go who lights somebody on fire and I go I did

and I look at the window and there's the guy fucking smoking his shirt. His clothes are smoking, the poor fucking guy. I go out of home. The cops don't come. Nobody knows nothing. I'm at El Campajia that night getting a package. It's about 10 o'clock at night.

I walk back, and there's the same homeless guy with a blanket on, and you can see the whole of the blanket where the cigarette birth. They just caught on fire and went. You said it above on fire. I was right across the hall And the fire department did come by Oh my God I didn't see anybody

I go I don't know nothing A fucking bum probably somebody Just driving through that fucking alley Flicked it on him Oh my god Get that dirty bum the fuck out of our house Guys I feel bad A little bit

Once I saw the blanket I felt a little bad One time Did you get a new blanket at least One time I had this Not a fucking blank I'm lucky I had a blanket myself I was snorting my blanket

blanket. I was about to snout my blanket. I had a choice. A, a blanket or snor cocaine. You're on my footie. Oh, my God. I had a blanket that I can't believe you just brought up a blanket. Okay, let me tell you something. You had that word. Let me tell you something, though. In 1983. It was maroon on one side and tan

on the inside. The one I had? Yeah, in my house. The brown one. Yes. Okay, let me tell you something about that brown fucking lion, okay? Let me tell you something interesting about. I got that brown line. I got that brown line. That brown lion.

I got that brown line at a Kmart. This May of 1984. That's it. It took me five years, but I did. I got my own apartment. And I got an apartment on 48th Street, 46th Street, Northburg, and 44th Street. I got a one-bedroom studio on the first floor.

When I didn't pay rent, I could sneak into the front window. It was perfect. I was there. for about four months, five months and they evicted me. But right before I moved in there, I wanted to go straight. So I bought this blanket in 1995.

I mean, it was, no, no, $9.99. It was the cheapest fucking $9.99. I washed that blanket. I got evicted from that place. I was homeless. I went to California. I came back. I caused wars that summer. I went to Miami, came back the whole time.

That blanket was at the bottom of my travel bag. I had an army bag and that fucking thing was at the bottom some places I went they had a blanket I didn't use it I always had a blanket like a biker you ever see a biker use it yeah man they always got a blanket

I had that fucking blanket I had that blanket when I was living in the fucking rocket ship I would take it back to the runnies and put it in a little corner and leave it in there that night go take the fucking blanket when I moved into the hotel in 84

when I was homeless and I got into the hotel I went and got that blanket. And when I beat Joel for the 1500, I had that blanket. I took that blanket with me. That blanket was with me from the desolate time of my life in that rocket ship to 1999 when that fucking car got towed. That car, that blanket was even with me when I went to prison. I left it in that room and nobody fucking touched that blanket.

That blanket was 995 in 1980. and I had that blanket for what? Fifteen fucking years. Yeah. And that blanket was the warmest blankets I ever had. It was a bear. Okay? And on the inside it was the bear with brown and yellow.

And on the outside, it was the bear with yellow and brown. You follow me? Yeah. And then the outside of it was fucking brown. So for 9.95 at fucking Kmart, I bought a blanket that went through fucking hell with me and back, Jack. A marriage, a divorce. When we were married, she wanted to throw it away. I go, don't fucking ever throw that fucking thing away.

That thing was in Miami. I slept behind a fucking McDonald's with that thing. What? Because in those days, I would just take the fucking clothes out of the Army bag, take the fucking blanket out, put the clothes back in, use that as a pillow, and put that blanket on top of me. That was an all-purpose Army bag I had. I had a little bit of water.

I had a razor blade for blow. I had a fucking wrench in there if I had to break a window for a car. Oh, no, no, Lee, that fucking blanket was there with me, and that blanket, I would just wash it. Yeah. All that blanket wanted was my love, and I lost it when that fucking car got towed in Van Nuys. It was in the trunk of that fucking blanket.

That blanket was on the road with me all those years, on triple runs. Whenever I got a hotel room, that blanket came into the hotel room. I threw the blanket off when I used that fucking blanket. Have you look for it online? The same blanket? Yeah. It wouldn't be the same, Lee.

Well, when I want the same blanket, it wouldn't be the same. That blanket was with me through fucking wars. When I lost that car, that was the hardest thing about that tow. When I got that car got towed, like, I thought it was cute. Is that the car that I got my car towed to get all your shit out? No. It wasn't that time. No, no, no, no.

This was a car that man and he gave Josh Wolf. Yeah, yeah. I got you. No, I never got my shit out of it. I got at my car and towed to get all your shit out because they wouldn't let you in the lot. Yeah, but they wouldn't let me in the car. It was fucking crazy.

All I could get was the back seat and some of the front. Yeah, no, no, it was nothing. Head shots, boxing gloves, blankets, fucking pictures when I was a kid. I had shit in that fucking car they took. And sometimes, you know, so this day, I was just thinking of that blanket yesterday going Jesus Christ

how long did I have that goddamn blanket for I wish that that that blanket fuck I would have taken it to the next eternity with me that's how that's what that book let me tell you how deep that blanket went in 1985 in February

1985 I looked at that blanket one there's something wrong with that blanket there were crabs on that blanket I had crabs and gave it to the blanket you understand me who the fuck gives crabs to that blanket I did where's Tony Bennett

You give crabs to your blanket I want to be around To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody Twice as smart As I A somebody who

Will swear to After 400 episode, this song still fucking hits me the same way it did when I was fucking six years old. For one minute, I go, Jesus Christ. Shit. I didn't do my shit today. Wait and see. I mean, I want to be around. My mom would always clean the bar.

Always clean the bar. and always put this song on. Like when she went into the bar in the morning, she'd open up the bar, they'd get air in there, she'd open up the back door. She'd plug the fucking jukebox in. She'd put ice in the fucking thing, and then she'd start playing this song,

and she'd bucket clean the whole place, hot water, soap. Yeah, old school. Old school, soap everywhere, steaming off the floor, fucking sweep it out. This was after the cleaners came at 3 in the morning. You know what I'm saying?

That's how fucking deep-up. But she always played the, song this song was always on this is the first jam to go so i'd walk in then go why should you play this fucking song why you play this fucking song your dad gave me the song shut the fuck up what are you talking about so i always play this song on mondays out of respect sometimes you got to have respect and your fucking life is something oh well i'm an atheist not right when you're sucking dick in purgatory don't come crying uncle joe you got to have respect for something you got to lie to Camley, you gotta do some, you know, next thing you know, you're sucking dick and hell.

Pow! With De Niro and fucking, uh, with De Niro and fucking, uh, Angel Heart, staring you're down. You're like, what the fuck is this shit? Someone posted that scene today from Casino where the guy was going to, I forget, I forget the guy, the actor's name was saying, like, I want my money back. And he was like, you can't have your money back. And they're like, let me just tell you what I, like, that whole scene, it just killed, it's amazing. You like that, huh?

Yeah. The guy who played De Niro's attorney representing him in Vegas, okay, was played by the actual attorney, okay, that went on to be the mayor of Las Vegas. And he was apparently shady as hell. I mean, you'd have to wonder he'd sue if it was a gross, you know, I don't know. It was pretty incredible. A little shady. A little mob lawyer. I love it.

That's real. I don't know. Maybe I watch the DVD extras too much. What's going on with you, talk to me. What's out in your world? Well, I'm in town doing a benefit tomorrow. Actually, two of them doing that Wounded Warriors won at the comedy store. All right.

And early. And then my show at 10 o'clock. on Tuesday is called Rockin' The Res. And 100% all the comedians are donating their time. And we got Dan Cook. We've got Margaret Cho. We've got Gerard Car Michael, myself, Adrian Kuton, a real actual native comedian, okay?

All right. And all the money goes to pay for propane in North Dakota and these reservations where they're allowed to, freeze basically. Every year people see their kids die, see their old people die. You know, Indians, they keep their old people with them. Okay? White folks ship

them away, put them in a box, okay, feed them them happy pills until they fucking die, you know? That's what happens. But Indians keep them close. And so every year people die, and this is keeping people warm who really need it. And so, you know, I'm happy

to donate my time. And I think it's going to be a fucking great show. And then where you at this weekend? Oh, this weekend, I'm in Oxnard. I'm at the new Levity Live in the mall, apparently. I don't know. I've never been there. It's brand spanking.

I bet it is, man. They don't really fuck around, dude. Those guys, they kind of get their shit together. You know, I mean, they're always phenomenal venues. And then when they make, like, everyone is like, let me top the last one. Okay? Like, fucking Irvine was fucking amazing when they redid it. Okay, got Umami burger in there.

That's a fucking deadly cheese burger, Jack. All right. And then, boom, this one is the fourth one in Southern California. And it's the newest one. They had to do something bigger and better than Irvine. You know, they got to step up. So they got another copper blues in there, which is fucking like 100 beers on tap and fucking like 300. Bobby Slate sells more tickets than the collar booth.

The fuck out of here. No, but it's great. They do 16 people before the show starts. The bartender sits in there, like he's got the hiv. Nobody wants to talk to him for three hours. After the show, they look at it. I'm like, what we want they go in there for? And they fucking leave.

I'm telling you the truth. You look at me all fucked up. I hate those copper kettles. They always got a cover band. Copper blue. Yeah, copper blue. I like a cover band. No, no.

Not when I'm on. and I got to hear Black Dog by some fucking dudes singing Black Dog and shit. Yeah. And I'm on the other side. There's too many things on the fucking menu. It's too big for Uncle Joe. I like simplicity. Anyway, I'll be at Oxnard.

28th of December. I'll be rocking the mic and shit. Oh, phenomenal. The fucking Wednesday after Christmas. You know, I don't fuck around. I know. It's good for you. You get to be in town.

Yeah. No, no, no. You got to stay in town during the home. That's just they shoot the planes down. You know, these people are going to start taking planes down with fucking, what do you call those things? A fucking 50-cow? Barrett?

No, no, no. It'll take down an airplane. What's those things? A drone. Oh, yeah, drones are going to be knocking shit out of this guy. As the planes are landing, they're going to take a way out of the airport. Why are you giving people anxiety now? I'm not giving no man.

I'm not giving me. Who flies more than me and fucking Ralph and me? Not you. What are you going to anxiety for? Yeah. All you got on there is be on the floor. I live near an airport. I don't think they're going to do that, though.

I think they're going to, honestly, I think they're going to attack a comedy club. I really did. And then, like, you know, blasphemous assholes like us, you know, Joe Rogel, somebody going to get shot. One of us is going to get shot on stage. I'm calling him a shot. It's going to be horrific. I hope it's me because at least I can take 42-9-millimeter rounds to the torso without fucking stopping. I'll get over there to fucking Johnny Blow Up and fucking gut him with a Budweiser bottle.

I'm a hero. That's what we need is a poor comedian getting shot on stage and shit. Poor people in a comedy shop club. It's going to happen. No, it's not. No, it's not. God forbid.

God forbid, exactly. I don't want this to happen in a band ever again. No, never. It's horrible. With kids in an audience watching a band. Man, when are people going to start loving their babies? I watch this shit.

A couple weeks ago in New York. City in Central Park and I'm like how much secure like if I go to a place to have a good time and I see 10 machine guns you know I was telling somebody tonight I was supposed to be in New York for C-Soe I have a bunch of meetings tomorrow I had one today and I couldn't do it but I was kind of relieved I couldn't do it I can't lie to anybody last time I went to New York to do Gotham I had a great time I saw my family I saw my friends. I put flowers on my mother's grave. But I got to tell you something.

Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's what I've become. I'm kind of a pussy to all that stuff. I haven't grown up yet to be used to going to a stadium. You know, what's Alex Jones? Crazy man, you know. He said something when I saw him at the UFC five years ago. He said that in 10 years is going to be TSA at parks and malls and all this shit.

You know, and I can't see it not happen. especially people going to get shot of the fucking comedy club. Are they armed people now at movie theaters? In a lot of states in Tennessee. I'm sure there are. When I was working at them, they had guards like hired security or cops during the weekends.

When you were in a movie theater, it was when that kid shot the kid in fucking Denver. Yeah, yeah. So it was a little security. It was so horrible. You know, so what I'm trying to say, I mean, there's a bunch of realities involved here with life.

And every time I sit in the fucking pint, every time I sit there. the fucking plane right when I put my luggage up in the top and I sit down I put my seatbelt on I go what what what what what what would stop right now some guy just running up with a grenade well you know you have to think that way for two minutes so you're prepared yeah I would always what well how would Joey how can you prepare by cover my eyeballs anything is better than just surprise cocksucker I know people like to shit on the TSA I don't maybe maybe I have a weird thing not me my kids fly

I got felt up both ways this way and back. I had to stand at a different angle and need to run the things up my legs. It was terrible, but it happened both times. Did you get a boner? No. Listen, man. TSA makes me relax for seven or eight minutes, okay? But the reality is that it's like in Russia right now.

They can't do Kualoo, so they can't fucking smoke dope. They got to do some drug that your skin falls off. Right? Did you see that shit on that Gio? They show these people, but their skin falls off. Yeah, no. You have to cook it and gasoline with explosives. I mean, there's always people who find a different angle.

You know, there's people like that dude trying to put a bomb in a sneaker. TSA can only be so good, you know? Yeah. They can only do the job they could do, man. so you can't really with all these attacks and whatever listen man my guys in Nashville dude

are so fucking cool man I mean like they they're like everybody says hello we have to go do all the pat downs and stuff and they just like ravi what's having a high five everybody and whop the fuck on I mean these guys are easy breezy extra sneezing

those guys are the greatest dudes and they just breeze you right through. I fucking love the guys in Nashville. You know, listen, man, I love Burbank and stuff, but these are the real... Burbank's a good one, dude. These are the fucking realities, people that, you know, I dread taking my daughter somewhere, like somewhere crazy, like a fucking crazy airport or a Disneyland type of event. I mean, you know, but listen, you have to live your life.

Yeah. You can't live like a fucking Cuban down there living in your corner. You have to live your life, man. That's where you live in America. Who knows? And now they're bombing the shit out of them over there. That's how they retaliate by blowing up planes and shit. Once you start fucking with them over there, right now they're shooting people.

I saw them on World News Tonight. Not with Diane Sore with my other dog. Diane Sores long and buried. What's the other dude that way? Do you like Stephanopoulos? No, he's not on him. He only substitutes with this dude from time to time. I'll watch him.

I'll watch Stephanopolis when he's on. He don't bother him. I like that guy. Yeah, me too. He's knowledge of all. George Stephanophil. Yeah, I watch him. He was like some White House A.

Yeah, yeah, he was good. Let me give some fucking quick shout out to my man. It was a great scene. The Lalingas family in Chicago. Oh, amazing. I love you, motherfuckers. The old man came out. He knows I love him.

It was great seeing Pete the Greek. It was great seeing Josh from Tent motherfucking planet. He took us over to owls and stuff. You know, I want to really thank the club. I mean, the manager. with the staff. They were great all week. I want to thank my man Ramir Shaman, Fred Nasser,

Coast, LaCrosto, Raymond Mayer, Garrett Blahunka, Nikolai Zepa, Sean Charles, Jason Jackson. I want to thank your boys down there in Austin, Crystal, and my man. Pop Bobby. And I'm excited to see my boy in motherfucking Las Vegas next week,

Larry, aka the Toki. motherfucking lair all next week at the sand at the south point casino with my man larry he'll be there friday night fucking lurking we'll go eat a little something then i'll go to bed at 10 o'clock like i always do you know what's like nobody bothers nobody gets their feelings or ralph in me no never i'm gonna fuck around how you feeling bubba i'm feeling good man so when do you leave so what do you do wednesday uh Wednesday uh Wednesday uh i'll wake up at radio um um at 7 o'clock up in Fresno. And I had my coffee and just go inside and do my show.

I really don't like the morning because I got that LASIC's eye surgery and I have to wear sunglasses in the morning. Otherwise, it gives me a migraine headache now. I guess I'm under stress. And I get a fucking bad headache. And I think it's because of that surgery. And so I'd have to wear shades and look like a douche in front of people. And it's like, it's so annoying. I have to explain myself.

And then I kind of look like a douche bag then too. It's like, you know, just wish my eyes. Does the lacents work? Did it take? Yeah, man. You know, I've got great vision. I can, I'm a 2010. When I got it done, I was 2020.

The next day I was 2015. And the day after that, everything was healed up. and it was 2010. I need to get that. I'm like 40-some, but I'm terrible. I can't see for shit. Oh, really? Yeah.

I can't see Dick either, so, you know, and now I don't know what happened. I can see little things. I know this is flow. I know this is... Piracy. What the fuck you laugh you laugh at you though, bro? I just like, I know this is.

I can't see. Twitter, nothing like that. I can't see my Twitter feed or email. Oh, really? Yeah, I can't see none of this shit. That's crazy. But that's the reality. That's what happened.

You really post fun shit, man. I mean, you got a very eclectic taste in music, but they're always jams, like across genres. You know, it's really fucking, you put out good vibes. I love it. When I get up in the morning, man, I get up like everybody fucking else. You get up uncertain. Like, what the fuck is the...

Like, I went to bed last night, maybe 10 o'clock because I had had it from the weekend. Like, I slept a little in the afternoon. I kept dozing off on the plane. I got two hours before I got up. Saturday night, that's not enough. I got up at 3.3 a.m. last night. The dot.

3 a.m. just got up. I laid there for like seven minutes. I said, what am I going to do? I'm not going to go back to bed. I went and peed. I put the robe on. I went in the office I did a few bong hits right

fuck yeah what are you gonna do I went on the computer so it was crack a lac and I pulled out one of my notebooks I wrote my agenda for the day I got my week ready right what are you gonna do I did a couple more This is amazing Oh my God I did a couple more I didn't even make the army did I didn't even make coffee I did a few more bung hits didn't even eat nothing

Nothing you're better than me I just went back to bed I have a question though about five o'clock About 5 o'clock, I went right back in there like a doctor Lisa. It was freezing. I took that t-shirt off. My titties came out. I put that fucking blanket on with that sleep apnea mask, and I climbed under that blanket. I slept until that fucking alarm went off at 10 after 7.

And I would have slept till 9. Trust me. I would have gone deeper than deep. What's your question? I'm sorry, sir. My question was about Saturday night. What happened? Because you...

we talked after and you were like you were really pumped after and I was just I never knew like to be like what what did it feel like when you finally got to the hotel like what did you do that's a great question I sat there and just let everything cool off I didn't even know what was going on had no idea what was going on with me I know I just wanted to sit down you know at one point I took my shirt off and my shoes I wasn't getting anxiety it's something else it's a different feeling

I put the TV on and tried to get interrupted by the TV I think I called you I called the friend of mine but nothing really mattered so I got up and I went in the shower I put the shower as hot as I could and I just sat there and let the fucking water hit me till I couldn't take it anymore and I let the water cool off and I stretched my shower

my back. I put shorts on and I went right to bed like that. You just passed out? I'm just passed out. Whatever I'm confused and shit, I need to go in the shower. I just go in the shower and let

it run on my head and let that hot water fucking rejuvenate my brain's fucking cells and shit. And that's it. Because, Ralphia, you've done a lot of specials. And even your early ones were

all of them were a made are great but like this is Joey's first so like going back to your first can you think about like what that like was like was like well I

man I've been running those goddamn jokes for like five years straight I mean I had laughs every four to five seconds and the album went platinum because people thought I got fucked out of last

comic we sold like 1.4 million. And it was a big deal. And it was just out of the laugh factory. But the feeling afterwards, like, you're like,

oh, God. You know, there's like, oh, my God, there's a, like, you get to exhale. All right? And then you really take it in. And then it'll come if it hasn't already. The panic. that you can't do those jokes no more

because people are going to see all that shit coming and you're not the type because Joey's a real comedian he won't allow himself and he'll beat himself up to dig deeper and go realer okay and that's what this is going to do it's going to act as a catalyst to spur his writing

and in a fucking year he'll have an hour and a half and that's how it is but for like the next month he's going to be a little bit of a panic. All right. And. No, I'm in no panic at all. Good, good.

Let it breathe. I'm in the state of... Where are you at? Where am I am? I'm in the state of... Because I know the whole fucking thing. No, I'm in the state of... It all came down to this.

I enjoyed doing it. I definitely want to do another one. I know exactly what I want to do it. I know exactly where I want to do it. I know how much time I want to take. I know. I'm going to do it now. So you're ready with a whole other special?

I'm ready with no other special. I don't know another hour. No, there's no hour. Not even close. I have minus 10 minutes for the special. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Like you're at that point.

I'm not worried about that. I'm going to take this week off and then start next Tuesday night. And then, bo, poop, pooh, pup, pup, go to Vegas, take a week off. Boop, pup, pub, go to Boston. Pupu-pup, you know, and I'm still going to have, I'll get some. whole material, put it together for these tours until you start to... I'm like Janet Jackson now. When Janet Jackson starts a tour,

she lip sinks. She's got no cardio. It's tough to move and sing at the same time. So you started 90% fucking lip syncing. By the end of the tour, you're down to 10% lip singing, because you're fucking cardio. You don't need somebody singing behind you the same shit they've heard.

Yeah, that's how I'm going to try it. That's how I'm going to try it for right now. I'm in no rush, you know? Plus most of the tours before the special There's a lot of things that people always say that you think you're in a rush. We're in no rush. No. We're in no rush.

Not at our level. I mean, it's like, it's like I did my special and I was 11 years in. Okay. And I hit my first special. And, no, 12, 12 years in. Yeah, 12. And so when I hit, I knew what I was doing. You know, I've been headlining all over the south.

for years. For years. No, no. When you hit, you were already very established. I had an hour and a half ready to rock.

Yeah, you had that night and the next night. If you come tonight and tomorrow, you're going to see two different fucking hours. Yeah. No, experience takes the handle over there. I'm not worried about the material.

I'm not worried about any of this shit. This experience taught me that you might not have anything in May. Right. But if you keep getting on stage. Right. And you keep taping your sets and you keep pushing yourself, What are you going to do tonight?

I'm going to do three sets. Really? Yeah, you're still out there, bang, and after the... Because you forgot there's a Dodger game. So that show that was supposed to start a fucking 9 is now going to start at fucking 10.30. So you're out there until 2 in the morning

working your material for three fucking people. But every spot works. It's really amazing how... A friend of mine once told me that everything works in layers. I didn't know what the fuck you meant. It meant that everything you do, builds and it builds momentum and one day it all builds into one momentum all those little

things that you thought was shit all build and they really do I'm seeing it with 20 people now I've seen it with 20 fucking people from Ralphie Mae to fucking Ari to Ali Wong I've seen momentum build over fucking night like nothing happened so stand-up is real I can't imagine being Kevin Ard I can't imagine Imagine being Amy Schumer and I can't imagine being Lewis CK. Because those guys' Asians get greedy. They put them out there and these guys can't write fast enough. These guys can't ride fast enough.

You know, when you get to that level, you're doing 80 other things. It's not you in a fucking room anymore. Yeah, you're not doing bong hits with your friends and drinking coffee. Right now and it's all different. It's all different. It's all different now. So people can't. adjust to that either. I was telling him Lee

that one of the most important things is grounded. No matter what Ralphie had around them at all times, the six agents, the whole thing, I was always hawking them on the phone, tormenting him, making them laugh, keeping him grounded so he wouldn't buy into the fucking bullshit. You don't buy it, they're going to

hit you at bullshit. That's it, that's it. There's a ton of bullshit that comes with it. If you keep your friends around, they keep you grounded. You know what, Ralphie, that joke ain't funny. When that agent tells you that that joke is Brilliant. We love it. And you're up there eating dog shit like that poor kid on the today show with Corey Feldman singing that fucking song.

Oh, my God. You know, can you imagine this poor agent? What do you do? I wish one of them lost boys are coming ripped his fucking head off. What do you do? With them skinny feet. When you're that kid's agent and he comes into your office and he sings that song for you, you can't sit him down and tell him the truth. Somebody's lying in that.

kid. Well, that's tremendous. We'll get me on the show right now. Let me call in two minutes. Let me call when you get out of you. No, no. I'll wait. Call right now. Oh, man. I got Corey Feldman in my office right now. He'd love to come on a today show and sing a song. Really. Tell him to send us a demo.

They sent us a demo with that fucking song without looking at the kid. He shows up with the two broads dressed up like fucking vacula. Yeah, dressed up like fucking white Dracula. What about them? What about auditioning for that role? For what role?

The two women. I know one of them is probably his girlfriend, but the other one. I don't know. Those poor girls didn't know what they were getting involved in. Trust me. Oh, my God. Those girls want to shoot themselves right now. Those girls who changed their hair color.

They quit sag and joined after. You know what I'm saying? They fucking switch governments, those two fucking little girls. Our generation had those chicks from the guy. You know what I mean? When you're not home Yeah Yeah

Those chicks Were so fucking hot Okay It was a good song Good singer It's a basic same formula Mine is a good singer A good song

Okay If they just had a good singer And a good song It would be great You know that was Music at that time Was like MTV The better your video

Was on MTV The more tickets you sold It really wasn't about The music And the music was good. Yeah. The visual effects to the fucking videos in 83 and 84 were fucking brilliant from sledgehammer. Sledgehammer.

Thriller. Thriller. Those videos. And that's what sold tickets at those times. That video, the lights are, you know what he's talking about, Lee? Really? Yeah. No, no, no.

You know what he's talking about? Put on YouTube real quick. We're going to give you a lesson in TV and music right now. What's on our shirts? Put on Robert Palmer. just put fucking YouTube on Lee What are you asking? Well, God damn it?

Lee, is it time for another mushroom cap? No, it's not. You didn't even get off on those mushrooms. Lee, we're not. No, you're not, because I'm not. I'm only getting off a little bit. It's time for another mushroom. I'm not doing other way.

I'm not doing mushrooms. I do, brother. Just me and Lee. We're in training, Lee. We're always in training. What's Robert Palmer's on? Addicted to Love. You never saw this, Lee?

No. Oh, this is tremendously. Let me just get this one of them. And you know what? they've done 10 videos, 10 different things to copy this. But I think this guy was the first guy. I don't know if that's why I don't want to say for sure. This is the first guy I saw do it that really made an impact on me.

You never saw this Lee. Unless you showed it to me. Oh my God. Seriously. Watch this. I was talking about. Thank God. Watch this.

I show you right now. Hit it, Lee. Watch the screen. Lee. You don't watch nothing, though. Oh, shit. Look at this motherfucker. Bad, holy moly.

Look at this shit, Lisa. Yeah, you know? Wow. That motherfucker, bam. That's sound. That motherfucker. This is tremendous. This really is, Jim.

And look at him. He's such a bad motherfucker. A bad motherfucker. This guy's a bad motherfucker. Listen to his sound. Nobody's got balls like that. Everybody's got a sound like that. Original. Wow. Damn, I forgot how good this-

He's bad, isn't it? I was watching this other day. Check that motherfucker out. I might do my next special just like him. He'll get Tonya Lee to Midget out there and play his dance with me. He's so cool. He's a bad motherfucker. No, I'm gonna show you how bad this guy is. Put on Robert Palmer, I want you.

want you. This is when you know this dude is dangerous. This guy has always been damed. Nobody knows about this guy. Nobody remembers this guy because everybody thought he was a pop dude. This guy was a pop dude. He was bad. But he went deep with some shit.

Right there. Right there. Listen to this. God, I wish I was you. So he went into this Marvin Gay thing after Marvin Gay died. Right? And this guy was fucking pulling it off, Lee. A white dude

took Marmingay's music and flipped it. He flipped it this dude. Nobody said dick because it was that good. Is this the real music video? Yeah. Early MTV. 80s?

No, this is a little later. I figured that other shit was 84, 83. This is after he got a little bit more popularity. He wanted to switch around on the motherfucker and show people how deep this motherfucker was. He's fucking bad, dude. Now, spit this up a little bit, ladies. Really breaks it down somewhere here.

Go, right there. There you go. There's where he turns out. Kill that way. Oh, geez. That is some bad-ass shit, right? right there because I hate covers. I hate all that shit.

And when I first heard this, I looked at him for a little while and I go, you better not be doing what I think you're doing. But he sounded so good and I watched an interview. I was like, you know what, man? This guy is a dangerous motherfucker is this thing. I like all this type of shit people. I like when a guy takes a

thing and puts a spin on it. What's up, Lisa? Are you ready for another mushroom cap? You're going to sit there. It's Monday night. It's the 17th of October. You got dick going on in the 18th. I got nothing on on the 18th. Oh my goodness. Might as well.

Let's do it. Did we finish all the animals? Oh, yeah, we had what? One and a half? 300. Gummy, whatever? 300, maybe 50. That's nothing.

We split pretty much the cookie. We'll get a night's sleep, though. We'll sleep when you wake up, you think you got fucking two massages and shit. It was a lot of fun. When I went back to the room, I was very, uh, I felt,

I had done something. That's what I felt like. I had learned a different concept of comedy that I had never learned before. I had never known, and I never really thought about it because I never thought I would shoot. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I never went there with my head. Yeah. I kept it simple, but I got to be honest with you, I feel the same way every Saturday night after I do five fucking shows. Really? Yeah, I'm done.

I'm fucking done, man. Especially if I fuck around the daytime and work out and stuff and think I'm Tarzan on Saturday and do the elliptical for 30, 40 minutes, and I go on that fucking stage and do two shows. I'm not saying, everything hurts. My whole body is electric.

Sometimes I only got four hours, so I know the shower will fucking wake me up, and I don't want to do that. But this week, that's the one of the best showers at. Two weeks in a row, I had a great shower. Last week in Columbus, Ohio, I went in the shower for so long, the fungi nail peeled the level.

You know what I'm saying? The fucking fungi, nail, peel. Like a big-ass dip-tize freedom. And it was the only week I didn't bring my tools with me. It gets fucking soft like that. You have tools? Oh, I have this whole, I had the comb.

I got the comb. I got the fucking little eyebrow cutter. I got a scissors for your nose hairs. But then you got on the other side, you got like a fucking, you got a needle to mend the, to mend the fucking, like, a button. I got one of those in there. That needle works for everything. What does everything mean?

Everything hash, I can grown hair. That can work on stitches, anything. Anything goes with that. And then I got a toenail cutter that's fucking huge. I can cut a fucking, I can cut a gorilla's fucking toenail with it. Right?

I got that. And then next to it is like a chisel. So you pick up the nail and you go in there deep and you chisel that fungi out. It looks like fucking, it looks like, it looks like, fungus and blue cheese put together.

When it gets wet, you cut the nail in holes. It's tremendously. What's a matter, Lee? You look a little dizzy. I don't get a little vomit my mouth. What's up, Lee? I'm just ingesting all this information. Oh, my God. You want to eat another mushroom cap or not?

Not really, to be honest, but I will. All right, let's do one. What the fuck? It's Monday night. It's the 17th of October. There ain't nothing going on. Okay. I was supposed to have something on 11th tomorrow's not going to happen, so I'm just going to fucking do my thing. Yeah. I don't bother nobody, you know what I'm saying?

Right. You look good, Lee. We had a nice time this weekend. Oh, my God. You learned a lot. And that's all that matters. Congratulations to you both. Yeah. That's nice to Joey. Like I said, man, nah, you too, Lee. Like I said, man, it's a pleasure to see your growth, you know? I was always happy about all your success.

You know, you see all these guys, that you all came up with, and everybody rates success differently. You know what I'm saying? Listen, man, I don't want to sit in the fucking outside. You know us, man. We've been stoned 82 hours of the day. The last thing we want is human contact.

You know what I'm saying? I don't want fucking TMZ ever to question me about something. I don't ever want to be one of those guys, man. I just want to be a dirty comic comic. Man, I get that shit so much, well. I just want a dirty comedian. That's it. I don't want nobody to even know I exist.

I would never want to be in Amy Schumer's shoes, God forbid. I would never want to be in Lewis. Everybody gets so critical of you. You can't be a comedian anymore when you get to that part of comedy. Yeah, man. It's too rough. It's too rough. No, it's too rough because, look, people get offended about anything.

Oh, everything. So it's too rough to even go there. So you don't want to be in that particular spotlight. If you're going to be in that spotlight, you have to have three writers that write, you know, material that's... Yeah, that's great. to see friendly. I'd rather shoot myself in the fucking head. Next topic. What else? Cocksucker. Talk to me.

You're smoking weed? What was going on? You're doing jumping jacks over that, Lee, saying? You ready for another mushroom? I found some acid hidden under one of the albums and shit. A half a piece. Can you imagine? We could break our own record tonight, Lee. Leave me out of this, man.

And we got these green stars, too. All right, Lee, I'll take a green star. The sofa is a safe. He safe. Okay. Lee knows all about that fucking sofa. If anything, if you feel anything weird, okay, go to the safety second. Okay, Lee, Lee, knows all about the sofa.

Lee is right it out, okay? Lee's my main dog. Lee knows all about the sofa. And you want to take a shower and take a big old shit. I'm telling you. That's where it goes. Lee knows all about the sofa. Lee has gone on that sofa a couple times.

He's a soldier. Leave my little Lee alone. I love him. He goes, when does Yam Kapoor finish? I think it's over. It's over. That's it. What's the next big Jewish holiday?

Hanukkah, maybe? Hanukkah. I don't know. Maybe there's something in between that that people need. We'll let people know. Well, we've always got to get one more. Well, we got Halloween.

Right? What are you going to be for Halloween, do you know? I'm going to be in Nashville. Nashville. Yeah. You're not doing comedy at Nashville? No. What are you going to do for Halloween?

Fuck, nothing. I'm going to hand out real-sized candy bars. To everybody comes to the house. What would be real-sized candy bars? Well, you know, Those fun-sized candy bars? There's nothing fun about them. You just get started and they're done.

Fuck that. I give whole candy bars. I go to Sam's and get fucking cases. You know, man, you might have a point of them. Just sit out there and fucking just boom. Here you go. Here you go. Because when you open up a real candy bar, you know where you stand.

Right? Like, I appreciate children. You know, don't toilet paper in my house. You know what I mean? I'm your man. Okay, we're down. Okay? You know, you pay the neighborhood.

It saves the way picking fence from getting fucked up. Okay? You know what I mean? Just pay it forward a little bit. Okay. Their mom will come up. I'll hand them three. Which one you like?

Recy? Okay. Well, Snickers is bombedo. Oh, you want to milk your way? Well, this is all caramel. Okay. That's all I got. I'm sorry.

All right. But, I mean, I go through probably $300 worth of candy. But it just, I mean, kids just light up and I get toys and stuff. Yeah, this is now. I'm like your neighbor. I buy the pint-sized ones. But you're right. When you have the little fucking things,

what happens is, like me this week with the butterfingers. I just wanted the butterfinger. Next thing I was eating 22 of them, which meant I ate three of those life-sized ones. If I would have just stayed a life-size one, I know why I stand. All right, that's it.

I'm good to go. You know me. I have the control of a fucking savage. I could say, fuck it. That's it. I had a few of those butterflies, too. I saw those. You were tearing shit up this weekend.

I was not. Terrence, which I'm proud of you. Listen, you know me, dog. I ain't no Slim Jim McGu. I don't give a fuck. I want you to be healthy. But don't sit there. Look me in the fucking eyeball and go,

I don't know who ate these two pizzas. I didn't eat no pizza backstage. Two pizzas disappeared. There was three of us, two pizzas. I was on stage for two hours. I come back. He's sitting there with a big grin on his face. Just got to.

Happy as fuck. No, there were veggie pizzas. There was no veggie pizza. They were all veggie back to them. I'll strangle you. I was eating them. They were not veggie. There were cheese and prosciute and arugula.

What backstage? In the green room. In the green room, there was prosciute, arugula. No, no, when I got back there, it was me, you and Willie. Ask Willie. When I got back there, I had no pizza.

It was just veggie. Ask Willie. Get Willie on the phone. Wait a second. When I got back there, it was two slices of pizza because I ain't one of them. Lee, stop. Stop, you're insulting my intelligence.

You're Willie on the phone. I wasn't. He said, folks. He's saying the back room. There's no back room. There was no nothing. There was one fucking room. I ate three slices in the main room.

I did. I ate three slices. That was later. Yes. Yeah, no, no, no. Somebody ate the ones in the green room. Not me.

When I left, there was a pizza in the fucking half. I was sitting at the table. I just saw a wing. No, no, no. No, I wasn't winking. You were Ralphier caho. No, no.

I wasn't there. I was in Portland. Yeah, but Ralphie, there was a whole pizza that was Willies. And there was a pizza. I took two little stuff. You know, he knows little fucking pan pizzas. There was two little strings that I come back.

Two little slices when I left. I took both of them. He ate one. I watched him. And he ate a piece of chicken nugget. And he was eating them. He's saying, what bettable? Joe Malachian vets.

There were no bad. You know, no. No. No. Stop with the fucking vetsibles. So the next thing you know, he fucking, uh, he fucking, uh, I come back and there's no pizza. And he's sitting there with a grin on this. high as fuck

high as fuck he was and I go what's going on blah blah blah blah no he goes back to the hotel room the next day he's talking about chicken cutler parmesan from a fuck his wife just got sick eating shit on the road he's in bad career food and also he's out there ordering

to go food at the hotel at two in the fucking morning you're talking about two different nights now are we talking about Saturday or Friday where did you go Friday night Friday night Friday night was the chicken parm and what accumbently french fries Just no pasta

Pasta? Pasta? Yeah. You ate pasta at 3 in the morning? Just a little bit out of the hay. I eat like, most of it. I promise. He always eats a little bit.

Yeah. And what was it Saturday? The reason why I didn't, I didn't, was because they didn't include cheese, so I couldn't eat most of the pasta. And Saturday. Saturday was because I had like two slices and he's fucking edible. Listen to me. Ralphie. They bought New Wave, bought 10 pies.

Yeah. On a pizza. They're so cool. All those pizzas are always good. Yeah. Now, Lee was sitting right next to the sausage pizzas. I had three slices. Three slices plus the 15 slices inside.

No. But that's like a pounded pizza, right? I was talking to the photographer. Ask him. That the whole time you were licking your fingers and making one. No, it was not. Ladies and gentlemen of the court. I'm watching like a horse.

I was not eating. He's sitting there. Listen, anywhere there was pizzas. I just wanted to take two slices. And he, Lee was like. Like me in the 80s with cocaine. If cocaine landed right here, I'd be sitting next to it, making it believe it wasn't there.

Like, how do you know? Oh, is that cocaine? That's not mine. You know what I'm saying? Like Lee was sitting. At one time, Lee had three fucking boxes of pizza next to me. Sitting there like Sinatra, mingling with the boxes of pizza. You yell at me all the time for eating garbage pizza.

I'm finally surrounded by good pizza. And you're eating it. And then I'm a way home. I want to take some home. I want to take some home. You say no. No, I didn't say no. You did Tuesday no.

No, I did not. I go, Lee, you're embarrassing me. You just eat the pizza here. Well, no. You always want to have a slice with sports center or something. Then he goes back to the hotel. And he orders like Staminkea pizza. No, it was good.

I went to the front desk. Oh, so it was good pizza because it was the front fucking desk. Well, at least maybe they would recommend a decent place. What was the brand? I don't remember. Yeah. It was like two in the morning. Four years of college.

I got like the smallest one. It was so depressing. Four years of college. It was like eight inches. It was like... Eight inches or what? Fucking death. I was just pepper.

You were farting on the plane the next day. So were you. No, it wasn't. No. We had a skinny dude between us who almost jumped out of the plane. Because you were farting and then I had to fall back your retaliation. And he's not admitted to it. At least I admit to it.

I love farting on the way there. That was all me. I thought. You were half a fag. Oh, God. You sat like a half a fag. So funny. blew this guy out the first time.

My back was bothering me. So I bent over this way to fart. You give a pressure. Yeah. But it blew out of my back. Yeah. It blew. And I heard it.

I felt the back of the jeep. Flapping like a kite. And I sit back. And within two minutes, I see Lee look at me, make him leave like he's doing sign language. And he's inhaling that fart because the filter of the plane is on the Lee's feet. That's why you never take a window. seat because everything that comes goes right there to the window.

If I sneeze, it goes to the window. If I blow my nose, it goes to the window. If I fart. So Lee gets the first dose of the fart. This guy gets the second dose, like that hurricane last week, we're supposed to come back. This fart comes back. This fart goes deep and it breaks. It's like a wave, right?

It's like a wave. It breaks like this. Half of it goes Lee's direction. The other half hits the middle seat. and ricochets right in this guy's mouth. You understand me? I know how to fart in that first aisle. I've been doing it for 10 fucking years.

I started on Rogan. That's the first guy's talking about. Because that's first class. That's tricky. You got to catch him when he's sleeping. And their mouth has to be around here. Rogan was sleep by the window with his mouth facing up. That's tough to catch him with a fucking fart.

I'm telling you guys, I don't fuck around. I'll tell you how it is. On the way back, I got up. at the first class and Sunday flight on the way home. I always got upgraded. I walked back to check on my Lee Leeland. Oh, killing it. I give me that a boat before we get on the plane.

We started to fly at 7.30 a.m. with 200 milligrams of death adjoin at the hotel. Oh, yeah, we don't fuck around. And we had just gone to bed. What you had three hours before? Three hours before. Killing it the whole week. Kern Michael was there. The whole fucking, you know, everybody's

fucking smoking dope outside. We got on that plane. I get up granted. He goes back to 14D. No, he wasn't really in the dungeon. He was in the middle of the dungeon. They charge you for those seats now. From 14 and 50 bucks. If not, they put you in the fucking dungeon dog.

And let me tell you something, you fly anything now from 16 back. You're going to get sick. You're going to get some. You're going to get Abu Dhabi. Something. If you're in that 28th row by the bathroom, hell have fury on you because people are back there fart

and that fart's got nowhere to go you got to sleep with a blanket on your head and a straw coming out of it and shit you think I'm kidding you listen you get anything from 24 to 28 when you go home you got to take a shower you can't even fucking go out and meet your friends and hang out because you got this fucking layer

of airplane trust me dog we used to sit in the back of the plane those are the cheapest seats those are the ones when you go on there late and And they give them to Yale cheap seats for 189? I just got my tickets for Boston. I'm sitting in like 21 and 24. There's nothing.

There's nothing unless I want to pay like a hundred bucks a ticket, which isn't going to happen. So I'm sitting in the back. Are you on Virgin? No, Jebeloo. Oh, look at you. You're sitting in the back on both flights. Yeah. But don't you have to go out of Long Beach?

No. No, that's awesome. Why would you go to Long Beach? We're up here. I thought that was down in Long Beach, huh? They have it there, but no. But anyways, I'm checking on me When you were checking on me

Oh yeah, I went back there I'm bored in first class I went back there to check out my little nephew Lee He's sitting back there with a smile in his face He just hit the lobby of me He's got his shoes off No I don't No I do not

No I do not I have my shoes on First of all I taught him how to fly Lee Yeah, right You understand me we get through security He's a fucking mook He gets stuck as usual Because you don't know just to keep going

Just keep walking. Right? Because I got the pre-check. This fucking guy's walking around. Like, he hit the lottery. Like, only speed up. Plus, he has 19 bags. I'm right out.

I have one bag. He's going to sit, like he's going to have a surgeon. He's got the computer and the games in there. And God knows what other shit he's got. God knows what he's got. Don't belong. I got two things on my thing. I got two things in my travel bag.

A sleep happening machine. Yeah. And a computer. Yeah, you're the one that drugs the attention. No, I don't. I don't. I don't take none of them out, stupid. I never take nothing. I never give them nothing to take. I haven't taken that computer out in 20 years. They always say, if you have a computer or a laptop, take it out, I haven't taken out at all.

That's how I run. I don't take nothing out. Leave it in there, shut your pie hole, take your sneakers off, take your fucking belt off, take the tickets out of your pocket, take your cell phone and put it in your right shoe, and take your wallet and put in your fucking left shoe. So they can't rob your cock sucking. You get shaken down. your shit's all the way over there out in the open, you understand me? So guys like you with the Shug Nightshirt on looking around

if you have to Shug Night Shirt on today's shit. Yeah, right, I like it. Smooth. You have to fucking do this shit and nobody robs you because those TSA guys will rob you. Really? Oh, my God. Your wallet will go missing

and you have to run the tape. They'll get rid of the tape. It's a conspiracy. It's like the Trump keeps saying, the media. It's like Trump. Fuck that. Oh, my God. So.

We get to the airport. I leave him there. I was going to wait from him. I go, what would he rather have me? He wait for him. A nice breakfast wait for him. He fucking goes through security. It takes him an hour.

They search him. They bring the fucking bug, the dog. Touch my balls. They brought the donkey. Everybody to sniff him. I go to that fucking macaroni grill. I get him a nice sausage platter with eggs and potatoes and sausages.

He gets out of security. He gets over that, boom. He's got it waiting for him with a fucking Diet Coke. Yeah, perfect. Like a fucking salad. fucking doctor that we are. Wow. I gave him six minutes to eat because we, you know what we're going to get

on the fucking plane first for this motherfucker own work. I got a superstition. I got to get on there first and get off that motherfucker first. I gave you. So I tried to sneak him in, but I couldn't do it. But he went to the back. It was cool. It was a good little flight. It was a good little fucking trip, man. I like I simplify traveling

on the way out. I had a yell at a guy with a Volvo. Oh, classic. Because he tried to play the white fucking supreme game on me that he was better. and take up two aisles. So I played this fucking card, and the guy fell apart at the seams at the parking window.

Even the black ladies were laughing at him, dog. It was fucking embarrassing. He wouldn't pull up. He wouldn't open his window. It was the worst thing ever. Lee scared this shit out of him. Lee told him, go fuck your mother. It was hysterical.

The flying jig out of nowhere. Let me do this, guys, real quick. Yes, go back. Let me talk about one of our sponsors, Anne, who I love dearly. I mean, they are bread and butter. They've been with us since day one. I love them to death men.

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I mean, so far, so good. Uh, you know, I mean, I got cats, man, and you got to feed the fucking cats and cat fight to eat on their own goddamn schedule. If you have one cat, that's great. You get the one on their schedule. You have a couple cats. That ruins it, okay? That ruins it because you don't know what you're eating. So sometimes you might feed, you think frisky's eating, and frisky's really not eaten.

It's fucking lulu that's eating everything. So every time you put a thing out, frisky don't eat. so Lulu eat all six fucking times And meanwhile for two days Frisky looks like that fucking Cat with flies on him in Africa Like he's fucking hungry and shit So do you ever wonder if you're

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I asked my wife what she thought. She loves the whole phone control thing. That's the money. It comes with an app and you got to be. Got it right there. When, how? That's the whole patois. That if you're running late,

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when you go to petnet.com slash Joey. What do you think about that, cocksuckers? I love it. Strong. It looks cool. I'm sure you can use it with a dog too.

Dog, cat, whatever the hell you need. Dude, awesome. My man Biscuits, he is fucking the greatest. My little Pip English bulldog puppy, he's fucking the greatest. And that dog is on a regimented thing.

I would love to be able to, I can hook that up to my cameras and be able to feed it to make sure he gets exactly what he's supposed to get and then shut it off remotely. Go to Petnet.com slash Joey, cocksucker, and look at the computer. Look at it, see the options you got, and I guarantee you'll love it because if you travel,

that's what you really like. Yeah. We'll be back Wednesday night. Ralphie Mae, always a pleasure to have you. Always a pleasure to see you. You make me happy when skies are sad. Nobody knows it. How much I love you

You don't get to hang out with many friends It's special You make me happy You make me happy You'll never know dear How much I love you Please don't take your sunshine away I don't know that there's

Vegas next weekend Where you have Vaghanar This Friday, Saturday, Thursday Yeah Thursday Friday Saturday And Sunday And man And then off for a week

Thank God I mean I've been on I've been on I've been eight state run so far We got to you're like atrocities And eight cities Come on exactly It's easy you got a bus

How much I love you Please don't take Your sunshine away Hit that music, cock's sucker Tuesday I'm at the improv For helping Native Americans Get propane and keep people alive

In North Dakota I swear to God It's a great cause They're nice people All right You don't deserve that shit I remember We used to have

fucking holes in the walls That weren't the windows You know It was fucking times Nobody knows there's how much I love you. Go take your sunshine away. He did Lisa. Come on, Lee.

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Fuck yeah. Damn it, Lee. Oh, put the...