The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #425 - Jerry Rocha

Episode Date: October 27, 2016

Jerry Rocha, Comedian and host of "The Ramble," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.    Primal Blueprint - Go to www.primalblueprint.com/joeydiaz for more info and use coupon code "joeydiaz" at checkout for 10% off your entire order.    Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 10/26/2016

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Not bad. Kick that fucking muley. Oh shit. Ha ha. Oh shit. Wednesday, October 26th. It's a church of what's happening now. Uncle Joey with his little goomba, the flying fucking Jew.

Jerry Rocha. Hey, hey. Bad motherfucking comedian, my little brother for 20 years now. The best. Oh shit. This is the fucking jam. Here we go, cocksuckers, little Madonna for you, 83. Kicking it!

My body, I don't mind. Go to Lee, shake it, cocksucker. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Look at them. Seductiv as a motherfucker. You say you want to stay the night. Oh, shit.

Physical attract. Physical attraction. Kicking Lee. What's happening, you bad motherfucker Welcome to another edition of the church. Beautiful Wednesday night here in Southern California. Thank you for dropping in and seeing what's crackleacking. Like I said earlier, my little brother.

What's the podcast you do? The Ramble. The Ramble. Jerry Roach, I've known him for years. He's on the podcast tonight. Just to clarify the joke, over the holidays. I've known Jerry since he was in fucking diapers, right? Oh, yeah. I met him in fucking El Paso.

El Paso. He was selling gum at the board. Chiquette. Chiquette. And I took him home with me. He stuck around for a few years. They left me and went to New York and he got mugged. I told him no gold out. And then he got mugged.

It's all true. And then he fucking came back and he had a girlfriend, long-legged. She took the dog and the cat. He was heartbroken. So not only the poor girl didn't even at the ASPCA giving up the dog. She's already got a new girlfriend. Oh, yeah, I moved on. He's in love.

This motherfucker is depressed for a day. He goes to the chiropractor. Boom. He's brand new. I don't know what that chiropractic does to him. I have no idea. You got to go to him. Dr. Mike DeNapoli in Pasadena.

Is he? He's right down the street from the ice house. You still go to that? He's amazing. It's incredible. The dude is unbelievable. Dr. Mike DeNapley, family chiropractic in Pasadena. He is literally,

you could walk to him from the ice house. He's right down the street from the ice house. He's right down the ice house at 11 in the morning. Yeah, he'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there. He'll be there.

So he gets a new girlfriend. Now, but not that. He gets a special on fucking la dang. He gets an agent, the manager's going on the road And he picks up this girl I know this fucking guy He's a Latin lover And over the holiday

She gets hit by a car Her sister And Jerry's all caught up And I had to call him And say listen That's your sister-in-law It's all over You got shit going on

Call the girlfriend And tell her you're dumping it for a holiday You can't even be around somebody You got hit by a car You're bad luck I took him to lunch I fucking met him You think I'm kidding

You took him on a real meeting We had a, yeah. I'm like, dog, you got to run. Just the fact that she's related to somebody. She's hit by a car. Like, she was drunk walking around, and somebody hit her in the alligator state. By the way, you got to go.

By the way, I told my girlfriend that you said that. She loved it. She was dying laughing. She's got the best sense of humor, dude. She was, we were just dying about it. You were making, you're cracking jokes about the fucking Christmas. Like, all the shit you were saying. I can have you crack.

You're walking around fucking. Fucking gloomy gusts, you know what I'm saying? He said for Christmas they need to get with those fucking reflectives. He got like a reflection suit. You're outside at midnight in Florida, walking around. Looking for fucking butterflies and shit. What the fuck is wrong with people? Oh, God.

I don't fuck around, dog. You come, you show up and you get hit by a car. I can't talk to you for a little while. A couple weeks and shit. I go to the track. You know, I'm based on luck. Justin has the waters. You have to be saved?

My girlfriend's the same way. She's like, I don't have to do this shit. Why do I got to go fucking be there? Like this sucks. Because I'm like, now she's going to string you out. Then you're going to be at the Miami Improv every three weeks. The House MC down there. You remember those days when you first start doing the road

and you would do those clubs that had the House MC? And you thought at the time, look, this must be like a pretty badass gig. And then you realize it was just a road guy who got bitter. Remember that? It was just a road guy who got bitter and said, fuck, I hate this. I'm never going to go to L.A.

Fuck out. They were in L.A. for a month. They hated. And they just go to some fucking town with a, funny boner and improv and they're the house MC for like seven or eight years that would always happen you remember I first thought oh this must be like a prestigious title like I didn't know any better you know and then you realize oh okay this guy is just bitter as fuck and got beaten down by comedy so bad but he doesn't he can't not do it so they just become the house MC at like the small

little club there it's funny because Jerry and I worked a lot of B rooms sometimes together and sometimes separate so we report to each other one going on. And the B rooms at that time, you know, if I was 35, no, fuck. I was 42. We were working with guys that were my age now. And they had a family and their wife left them. Yes. And they were like an AA now. And now they're on the road selling cassettes, t-shirts, frisbees. And you can't, where do you live, kid, L.A. Oh, you got to be a fucking fact. Yeah. You just kiss ass. I don't know where you got a movie is by sucking a dick. You just suck dick and kiss ass. Like, no, you don't actually. No, you don't have to do any of that.

And even then guys, with my attitude then, my street fucking vernacular, I would look at these guys and go, first off, I understand their pain. Yeah, sure. It's tough. It's a hard world. A tough goal up there and to attain it. Sure. And God knows what they went through in L.A., but it's tougher to walk around wounded like that.

Like, I used to look at it because I know, I know for years I walked around wounded after the divorce. After my mom died, I walked around fucking wounded. But I didn't think you could ever get that. wounded from comedy. Oh, man. Like, the wound that I got was three, four days. The longest yard, the longest yard,

uh, wounded me because, I thought more would get out of it. I didn't focus on what I had done. Like, I got in a fucking movie. I'm a fucking ex-fellant. You know what I'm saying? Like, a piece of shit.

Like, I robbed the houses and shit. Yeah. And all of a sudden they let me on this set. You can trust me and shit. I'm still stealing shit. You have to meet at Reynolds and Michael Liven. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Like, and that's a piece of a piece of a piece. And that doesn't make me a better person. But just the fact that I had gotten on, like, made me fucking, like, something's going to come out of this. I didn't look at it for what I had done. You know what I'm saying? Of course. Something's going to come out of this. Somebody's going to call me.

Nobody ever fucking called. Right. So that was a big bitter point. But I never got bitter. You get angry, you get sad. It fucks it you for a month. You have a good set, and it all goes away. It all goes away.

You get a good set and somebody licks your nuts sack. And it all goes away. You're brand fucking new. I remember you. You called me. I'll never forget. This is how you know, like, we're like, that you're like my,

the older brother I never had, you know, like, because you called me the night that I got bounced from last comic standing. And you told me, you said, look, dude,

it's going to feel like you got hit in a place you never knew existed. But you also said, it's only going to last about a week. You know, that's it. And you're going to be fine. And I remember you told me,

said the best thing to do is just go to a spot somewhere. Go do a spot for, you know, a couple of nights in a row. And you're going to have that one home run. And you'll be like, Listen, the people who listen to this podcast, I'm no 5 beta capa. But I know about one thing, recovery.

Yes. I know from recovery, from getting beaten and recovery. Right. I know from physical beatings to mental beatings to emotional beatings. Right. I know the recovery route to all three of those beatings. You know, the fucking, the beating, you put a stake on your eye. Hey.

And you stay in until the bruises disappear. The other shit, nobody knows you have bruises. Right. Nobody knows you have bruises. So they don't know. know, you know, I know at times in my life, I had mental health issues that I cleared up. You know, you do, there's a month, you do 20 days of blow in that month, your mind goes somewhere. It didn't take me until after I came out of that trance to understand that.

You know, the emotional, shit, that's the long one. I read a great article in the New York Times about Pat and Oswald. If anybody knows what's going on with Pat. He said he'll never be 100% again. It's the saddest thing. Yeah. Listen, you never think you'll be 100%. because how bad you feel inside when you mourn a loss.

And that's one of the worst ways. I mean, there's no good way to lose somebody you love, but holy shit, the way that happened is just, oh, man. Every time I see an article about him, I see he's doing well, I know exactly where he's at. Right. And I know he's not doing drugs, which is good, because the drugs are temporary,

but they take you somewhere else again. They take it to a deep spot again. So now you're not recovering from the drugs. You're recovering from the drugs on that fucking darkness that you saw fucking a fucking away. week so I know all about this shit and it doesn't last guys it doesn't last unless you let it absolutely and it and there's no formula it's not a dog it's not a cat it's not a human being it's not a chick that licks your balls with gasoline on it

it's not a guy who comes on your titties it's not somebody who has money you never know what the formula is and it comes right in front of you and then you go wow I'm I'm I'm over this, or at least I feel with my mother, I could honestly tell you that there's times I go to a dark place now and I tear up just thinking about it. So that lets me know I'm really not over it, or maybe I'm over a part of it. Same here. Same here. We're my dad.

Yeah. But at the other side of it, you know, relationships. Yeah. Movie disappointments. You know, I didn't go to Montreal. I didn't think I felt all those years. My first five years here, if it wasn't for the stupid movies and the commercials I booked, that put me on the map in a way,

like, because, like I've said a thousand times on this podcast, you were struggling comic here until something happens that they see you on TV. And even if it's a small thing,

even if you're in a commercial, you just bend over and go, hey, it's my lucky day. People, comedy bookers see that. Assistance see that. And they tell the people, oh, I saw Jerry in a commercial, yeah, and I.

And that's it. Not that you're rich or you mean anything. You could hit. You just put the odds a little higher that you're going to, have a career in this town. What about our friend, Destiny Barra? Like, I met him a few years ago.

I was thinking about him today. I met him a few years ago with you at the coffee shop. And now he's about, like, I just looked at his thing. He's done, like, every TV show and movie. Oh, the kid works. And now he's about to, like, co-star on a show with Felipe. The kid works. He has a great look.

He's got a great look. He's goofy. He's funny. And he's a nice guy. And he's a nice guy. And he's young. Yeah. You know, all those guys, you see him now.

And in 10 years, you see some of him. There's one or two guys that are bitter. Every comedy thing has a bitter comic. Oh, God. And I prayed not to become a little of those guys. Do you know when I realized, okay, I don't want to be this guy. It was two things. It was the first guy who was the house MC.

And remember, you know, sometimes if you knew the headliner, if you knew the middle, right, you would come in and this house MC would walk up. And they would always introduce themselves with, look, you know, normally a headline. But they would always have an excuse built in as to why they were the MC. Do you remember that? It was always, and you're like, what, dude, you don't need to tell me. Like, I don't, you know, this is just do, just go up. It's fine.

Like, nobody's judging you. You know, but they always have that immediate like, okay, well, here's my excuse. Don't judge me. I'm, I promise you, I'm a headliner, but, you know, fuck. And then they start going off on this rant about, like, the other one, I thought, okay, I never want to do that. And then the one that really hit home was when I was in El Paso at the club working. El Paso was the place where I saw, I did a lot of work in El Paso. You and I were very fortunate that Bart Reed,

loved this as a feature act. He used to call me every six weeks and then he let me stay two weeks one time. It was the best. It was the best. Because he had a condo and it was in your apartment for like a month sometimes. And people come by and it was crazy. And they had a pool. Yeah. They had a pool and it was around the corner from a

supermarket. And on Friday saw Yucatan. Yeah. So if you did a pound of blow, you walked down to that supermarket. It was next to an Arby's. That's why I realized how bad Arby's had become. Right. Right. I went to Arby's like a 98 down there. I hadn't been an RB since like the 80s.

It was fucking this meat that looked like a fuck-shoddy, dude. They got shitty. But El Paso, you worked, El Paso, there was a lot of the Michigan rooms, the Buffalo rooms, all the Yoda runs. The Yoda runs. The Yoda runs. 50% of the triple runs. Some of the triple runs were tremendous. Okay.

Some were awful, but some are great. Those are the runs where you bumped into comics that were very, my first run. ever. I started with a guy named David Tribble. I was a host at one of his nights. And this is in the Northwest, right? This was in Boulder. In Boulder?

He had a night at a bar called the broker. Wow. And when they opened up the, well, the broker was always open. When they started the comedy night, they had a magician who was an old guy. The broker was known for, in those days in Boulder, there was the Friday afternoon club. Excuse me. had become one of the biggest pick-up places in the country. Playboy had even put it in this place, the Hilton, Harvest Hilton or something in Boulder,

was one of the biggest pick-up places in the country. And on Friday's Friday afternoon club, you saw cars lined up all around the Rapper Hall. It was fucking craziness, you know. I don't even know what I'm talking about it. You know, can I tell you this real quick? Where I grew up in Dallas, I grew up in the village apartment complex, and there was a Tom Thumb grocery store. It's still there, but it used to be in this place called Old Town Shopping.

Center it's still there all that's still there right but that Tom Thumb made Playboys top five places to get laid in America back in the 80s because it was the grocery store that all the college kids who went to SMU would go to so you would go there on a Friday Saturday night dude it was like you're in a nightclub it was just packed it was like tailgate parties almost people hook it up it was incredible so it's funny you say that but yeah I remember those places existed back then those like just the you're impossible not to get laid if you go there so that was the kid one yeah then the adult one was was the broker on Wednesday night. Okay. And they gave, they had a shrimp bar. Wow. And then when I first started going to the broker, like somebody,

I was married. And somebody said to me, you want to go for a drink? I didn't know. I was selling cars. Yeah. I just got out of the halfway house. I didn't really drink,

but it would be nice. You know, like you work late sometimes. Let's go on and talk business. Me and this guy sold a car. He took me to the broker one night, and I was blown away. Like, it was the cheesiest fucking place ever. You know, guys wore cologne.

and a disco ball. And if you went from five to seven, they gave away free shrimp. So every mooch and bought a soda and then could get free shrimp. Oh, no. Like a salad bar, a cheese bar.

Let me tell you something, man. That bar was great. Sunday nights, they had two movies and a dinner for 15 bucks. That's not bad. But they were violating copyrights. For some reason, something. Yeah.

Yeah, they're not paying Universal for this. Oh, they stole a reel from somewhere. They would just rent two movies. Go to Blockbuster, put it in. They put Charles Bronson night. But people would go down there with blankets. It was the cool. Come on, guys.

Nobody does this shit no more. They would get hot cocoa in the winter when it snowed. So they had a comedy night. And I was just becoming a comedian. Like, it was like an episode of Celia Cruz. I watched a cellia on Netflix. It's in Spanish. It's fucking tremendous.

I'm up to episode 22. Nice, nice. And it's changed my life. Like, it's fucked me up. because they may remember the Cuban person that I am. But anyway, going back to that, I started comedy in July and in August, in the paper they would put ads for comedy night and bowling.

I go, what the fuck? I'm a comedian. I wasn't a comedian. I'd been in the States twice. I went to New York. I came back and they had a contest. And I went down there and anyway, I won it. And the House MC was terrible.

So I told the men, and I go, you see how many people came to see me on the other night? I'll have this every Tuesday. What you didn't know was I was selling Valium. So I'd make people come down there and buy V. And they would give... That's the way to do a bringer. Yeah, that's the way to do a bringer.

And I would sell coke. Whatever I had that was hot illegal? You want to buy it? You got to go to the broker on Tuesday night. What do you mean? I can pick, pack this motherfucker. Oh, my God, hysterical. And I got in there and I became family.

And, you know, I was 28, 28, 29. And then I was just separated. There was waitresses. And I would talk to the waitresses. And I would talk to the waitresses. And I fell for one and first. I felt for one, God, waitress. Those are always the first love of our lives with that waitress.

And she had a boyfriend. I'm trying to win her from the boyfriend. Oh, no, you're going to steal her? Oh, I was trying really hard. She was so beautiful. And I remember one night, we were by a gate, and she said, I can't do this with you anymore. And I broke down and started crying like a little girl. I was weak.

I was right after my divorce. I was alone. I've been there, bro. I've been there, man. But then January came, and I opened. Came out of there. A new stack of waitresses just came in out of college. And I started dating this one.

You wiped your tears on. Oh, my God, I wiped those tea. I told you, you only get the press for like three or four days. It's true. It's true. And I was sitting at home. This is embarrassing to say it. A stack of weeks.

I won the contest December 18th. I won the contest December 18th. And at that time, they were home for Christmas vacation. They had just graduated. And I had just seen a bunch of them. And then I didn't get the job until after January. So here I am for 10 fucking days. Sitting in this house, I swear to God, I got no reason to lie to nobody.

I lived in a condo. All right, the condo was up for sale. There wasn't a sticker furniture in this place. Wow. Just a cabinet. Yeah. With a TV of VCR. Upstairs, there was a towel.

It was a guy's bathroom. Yeah. My wife had been gone for three months at this time. Okay. The bedroom was just a bed. They even took the box, Bringsley. Jesus. I couldn't sleep up there because they,

took the curtain. I don't know about curtains. They took the fucking curtains. Wow. And I don't have to sleep downstairs. It was a fucking nightmare. Until this day, these are the emotional beatings you take. God, and here I am single. I don't have my kid for Christmas. You know, I'm sitting there. I'm doing blow.

I'm living like a doctor because I got like eight credit cards left. So I was going to a Lidio and getting 30 for lunch, 30 for dinner, 30 for breakfast. I was, oh, you should have seen me. Signing tabs. a good old time. That's on me. I got this. That's on me. I got this. And then I fucking was heartbroken. In one jay, I went over there on a Tuesday to do com. I started talking old waitress.

I tell you. You know, we started talking, talking, talking. I saw the next Tuesday we started talking. Then I went out for a drink. We did karaoke. You know, she was fresh out of college and I was like 30 and shit. What did you sing in karaoke? I busted out. Michael Jackson, remember the time. Ooh, do you? I had an alligator bar. It was an Australian bar with pool table. And that's where they went after the broker. And I went up there and sang and I could see she was smoking cigarettes, drink. And I'm like, I got this.

You got this. You got it. But she was clean and soap, but she only drank. Okay. And she didn't even smoke cigarettes. She only drank, like, you know, she was trying to be a wild one. Right. So she would smoke.

And I fell in love with it. She was a cute fucking girl. So here I was the host. She was a waitress. I'd be there on Tuesday nights, but I was in there every day for lunch on the arm, because she was the owner's daughter. Oh, wow. So she told me, come for lunch. I'll buy you lunch. So I would go to have the best rice, Kris,

treats. Beautiful. In the world. They had a buffet. And since I was the king of swing, I could all lunch and dibble from the buffet. Forget about it. But that was like, all my other comedian friends at that time were really struggling for stage time.

But I had as much time on a Tuesday as I wanted to. That's great. As a young comic, that's a godson. And every week you had to write because every week the same people came to the fucking show. Better. So you were forced to write. It was horror. What do you mean better?

It was horror. It makes you better. It's a comic. Fucking Sunday, I would sit in the apartment and try to write. Try to write. Yeah. Newspapers from the week. I would just try to write local material.

But that's okay. You learn how to write you. Yeah, you learn how to write you. And I remember coming out one time with two cups on my tits like, like, Vogue and shit. Listen, man, I was a young comic. I was in love with this girl. I was divorced.

I got a new fucking, you know. That's great. or whatever fucking lease in life. Yeah, man. That was, and I met Stanhope there. He was a feature there the first time. Kerman Appio. I met Rod Long there.

I met a lot of neat guys there. The guy that helped Vinie Curto write scripts, that was a talent coordinator at the store in the 70s. I met him there. When I came out here, it was like, you remember me? Yeah, how are you? Oh, my God. You were the fucking host.

You were terrible. I were like, oh, my God, I left there going, Jesus, you're here. You know, and it's great. I was there for a year and a half, and I booked, I pushed the manager. He went to the bookshelf. Nice. And I got fired.

That was the end of that fucking tune. You know, in El Paso, with my big kind of like, okay, this is what I definitely don't want to be. It was we're working. I was working with a dude who you and I have talked about on several occasions. I think, you know who that is. And he was on the phone with, you know, the old guy who used to run Addison Improft, Trey. Right? and this guy was on the phone with Trey,

and I'll never forget. I'm still a middle. I'm still a kid. I still don't know what, you know, and I hear him going, yeah, fuck, I'm never gonna,

you know what, if they want me, they know where to fucking find me. They can come find me. And I thought, oh, you don't want to be that guy. Because no one, they're,

like, they're gonna go to fucking El Paso. I would just scout this guy. Like, that's, this isn't fucking baseball. You know, like they don't send fucking scouts out to all the clubs.

Like, that's not how it works. And that's, I was like, I don't want to be that chicken shit guy who, you know, just gets so bitter that they get afraid and they have to just, oh, well, okay, it's like they want to jump on their own grenade. You know, they're so they're so, like, well, fuck it, I'll just jump on the grenade. So it's just, I can, you know, like, nobody can reject me if I don't take a chance at anything. It's just, I never wanted to be like that. You know, it was interesting saying, like, the way you cope with shit when my dad died, moving out here is what helped.

Right after he passed away, I'm like, fuck it. That's time to go to L.A. What am I? I'm just wasting my time. I'm just spinning my wheels here in Texas. It's time to move. I'm not the people of all ages listen to this podcast, you know.

But it's really weird, like to be young and to make that jump. Yeah. How important that jump is sometimes. Even if you just stick your head out, like the go for on February 2nd, look around and go back home after nine months. Your friend, Ashley.

I did that the first time. Your friend Ashley. She came, she saw, it wasn't for her. She was here for a couple years. Yeah, she was here for a couple years. And I'm not mad at, I don't get mad at those people. No, she's killing it in Boston. Yeah, there's some people go, you know what, I could have done better at home.

But at least you got out. You had an experience. Yes. And I was telling, before the podcast started, you were asking me, where did I live? And I said, it's no mess that we were talking about I broke into a cheese shop one night. I was 19 years old, guys. I still had the bug. In those days, you know how some people drink and do stupid things?

Of course. I would drink and steal. Right. I would go crazy. Now, could you do it sober or did you have to have a drink in a year? No, I mean? Like, I would be home for a week and a half. Yeah.

And to unbreak the homesickness. Like, I've broken all these things down in my head. You know, like I was addicted not to drugs at that time. Excuse me, I was a reef ahead at that time. When I moved to Colorado the first time, I understood it was to be a real hippie. It's not those guys with the long hair that stink. It's an attitude.

These guys were laid back. Nothing bothered. I never understood what laid back was until I went to snow. Mads Village the first time in 1983. Really? So I was telling these guys that one night I had this bedroom. Like, when I got to basalt, I moved into a room that had belonged to somebody else

that he had to go home because it was an emergency in his family. So all I did when I got there was take the sheets off, flip over the mattress, wash the sheets, and they were mine. That had become my bed. So when we moved out of it, the kid came back and took all his stuff. So the apartment I got with my buddy basically had nothing. I mean, nothing. When we moved in there, there was a black and white TV,

a table, an oak table with a fucking milk crate under it, a couch that stunk. And there was nothing. And the rooms were nothing. So at first I put like a fucking mat down, and I put a sheet over, and I slept like a fucking Indian, like just on the floor like Bruce Lee and Fist of Fury, under a tent and shit, like in the room.

And the apartment was clean. It was fucking tremendous. The paint. It was a creek side. I think at the time. And they were fucking pretty much new, you know. And his brother, my roommate's brother, also from my neighborhood, was a carpenter on a job site that was the biggest building in Snowmass Village at the time.

It looked like a battleship. That's what people called it. They built a fucking battleship up there. So when I went to meet him and I go, I thought these things were being built. But they had already a condo that had the furniture, the flowers, the towel. the fucking bath mats, something out of a fucking magazine like a model home?

Like a model home? I go in there and I see this shit. Like an IKEA display. Yeah, and I go home, I go, Jimmy. I saw something very interesting thing. He goes what? I go, you know where your brother works? They got apartments

that fucking got furniture. He goes, Joe, we can't do that. I go, listen. You don't have to do nothing. Let me go snooper around. Yeah. The Sunday night went up there. The door was open.

Damn. Like the realtor? Let the door over. Jesus. I went in, put the light on. I took everything I could. I put it in a circle, including a mattress and a fucking box spring. And I made three or four climb.

Today, I could never do it. No. And I did it between nine and like two in the morning. Wow. With fucking wheelbarrows. And then he finally got up. He was drunk. He finally got up.

And he helped me carry. And nobody woke up. None of that shit. Nothing. There was nobody in the building. There was no other construction. Yeah. And they didn't go like apartment to apartment looking?

No, no, no, no. They didn't know. And I went into the fucking one room, and there was all the tools. And Jimmy's like, let's rob tools. I'll never forget. He got like a bar and stuck it in and put his feet up against the thing. And he started pulling back, and it just broke. And he landed on his back.

He's like, ugh. But we went and furnished our whole apartment. It went like, we went from fucking zero to a hundred towns, batmats. From an airbed. You were full display of everything. Oh, my God. We had everything. new couch. And finally,

the brother knocked on the door and then he goes, hey, what's going? Tell me it wasn't you guys. And he came in and started laughing. He goes, trust me, I was thinking of doing it. Well, he goes, throw me a lamp and I won't say nothing. And that was the end of that. We had all this new furniture. That's kind of on them to

build an apartment, not have it be completed and furnish it empty. That you're asking for that to fucking happen. And no security with Joey Diaz around. 1983, you're crazy. Come on. You couldn't leave a nickel down without me clipping it a nickel i was a clip from 81 i started clipping heavy like let's face it i clipped for years like when i was a young kid little things bicycles and

i knew shit was clipped and i just turned the other way how easy was it for you to spot a mark back then to be like oh i could get that place like oh fuck you i could get them was it like a couple of pass-bys was it could you do it on one sitting like you just see a store for a little bit and go, Jesus, they don't do anything in that back room. Like, I could go this. I went crazy. I saw a movie called Thief. Yeah. In 1981, and I said, well, I was a kid. Was it like a how-to? The movie? Was it literally like a bluebird?

Oh, okay. When I was a kid and 205 West 88th Street, two of the families lived in that building that knew my mom. Oh, okay. I know my mom well. Right. When was this black lady who was like a seamstress of shit in Manhattan? And they drank it night. I forget what her name was. She had like a mulata last night. Yeah, sure.

But the other two that lived in the building when a lady named La Chena. Okay. She was a Cuban Chinese chick. Oh, no. And I was been Mungito. And I was about five maybe. Okay.

And Mungito and Mungito, and me became tight. And I didn't know what Mung Gito. You know, when you're five, you don't care what people do. No, right. But that's not to the point where my mom would go, what do you want to do tonight? I go, I'm going to order chicken to light and go up and go up and hang out with Mung Gito and Lachina.

And for the first couple times, Mung Gito would be in a bedroom. And the China would talk. to me. And there's one time I went up there and finally Mungito was let him in. And I went in there, Mungito had one of those operations with the spinning wheel.

Oh shit. The heavy duty, Zzz. Yeah, yeah. And he would take those things that for to measure spark plugs, okay, in those days

and he turned him into keys. And I asked him, what are you doing? Finally, he told me he was a burglar. And he would bring me chains and little rings and shit. That's amazing. Everybody knew he was a professional fucking burglar. That's what he was.

In fact, years later, he went to the jail for robbing mancotch. He's the one that... No way. This guy was the real deal. So I didn't see him for years after that, but him and her broke up or something. But I always had that vision of this dude was so cool. He was a thief. Right.

I never told my mom and shit. But right away, I started clipping Nichols at the bar and rolls of quarters, and my mom would ask me, every time he'd come around, something disappeared. I had a problem with that too as a kid, taking some money. Always, always, always. Oh, man. Always.

And I wouldn't take it from my mother's personal. I got to be like eight or nine. That's what I got for roosies. That's when he got ballsy. Like, I can do this. After the first time, I think she lit my hand on fire. Oh, fuck. Like, she fucking held it with a lighter, and she was like, listen, I knew it was you.

You got the kiss of them. Oh, I set you up like a motherfuckerck. You dumb fuck. I left that 20 waving and you clipped it, and that was it. She knew I was clipping 20s from the dry cleaner. And again, she would look at me and go, so wait a second, mysteriously, we lost the 20, and mysteriously you found the G.I. Joe behind a fucking garbage can in the Bronx. That's brand new.

Only you can find a brand new GI Joe behind a garbage can in the Bronx. That's great. You know, I did a club in Orange County one time, and I remember the door guy. I was after an hour selling my CD all that bullshit, and the guy was taking his flashlight. I was like, what are you doing, dude? And he goes, oh, because he was the bouncer. And he goes, do you know how many people drop 20s when they're paying for drinks? He was just right by the bar where the stools were.

And he probably made like 400 bucks almost a night on the hot nights there. Because people just take up, they get drunk to start paying for the cash just comes falling out. And they don't even notice that they've dropped like $60, 70 just right there. It's crazy, man. It's crazy. Yeah, so my whole thing with thievery started then. Then I was okay. And then when I got to North Bergen, that was it.

those kids were animals. They just kind of, we were young kids. We were already, that given our terrace, we were already savages. That kind of enables you to keep up. So it mixed all of us little savages together. There's a story I tell about Raoul. Raul was a kid who moved across the street from your house. Not up the corner, not three houses up the block.

There was a house across from 3515 given our terrace. I show Lee. Right across the street from where I grew up, there was a fucking house right there. Yeah. And one day, me and my little fucking friends are down the corner, we see the moving truck. And we look at each other and we go, there it is. There's the first score we're going to break into.

And they fucking went in, dumped a bunch of stuff, and we counted the guys. They were all gone. They didn't hit the block, and we were already in the back yard kicking in the window. Guess what I take, the stereo with the speakers, okay? I don't know nothing about nothing. So they just got a house. And the first trip, the first load they bring is gone.

By the time. Me and six little gumbas. The Olson brothers, no teeth. You know, who else? So they bring the second load and the first load's gone. God rest of the soul. There was like five of us that went on going in and they just clean it out. And I took the speaker and the stereo.

Okay. So the next day I get up, there's fucking cops outside. They're asking questions. Even then, I don't know. I don't know. So wait, you broke into the house instead of just taking it from the truck? Well, no, because they left the truck. They empty out the truck and went to pick more shit up.

They dropped the first load. They'd take the truck to get the second. So we're 12. I got to be 12. I got to be maybe tops. No, no, no, no.

I was 12. If they had been dumb enough to leave the truck there, y'all would have taken the truck, too, right? Yeah. We would have found somebody to haul the truck. Somebody would have learned how to drive it. That was a crazy fucking neighbor.

We could have found somebody. So it's like our first junior heist. We take this shit. I take the stereo. That's not a bad fucking heist for them, dude. Yeah, But guess what happens? The family moves in, and it's a kid named Raul.

Oh, no. And Raul was a serious basketball player. He was Puerto Rican from the Bronx. Okay. And he was tremendous. We needed this kid on the team. And the first day in school, he's like, I moved in, and somebody broke into my fucking house and took my stereo.

So now I became friends with Raul. Oh, no? Raoul would come over for dinner and shit. How would you explain it, dog? You can't go to my bedroom. Yeah. My mom, nobody in my bedroom. For like a year, Raoul wasn't allowed in my bedroom.

Poor Raoul. Did your mom ever say, why don't you guys go to your bedroom? You told her, I bet, right? Man, what would your mother have done had she seen y'all doing that? Well, what happened was? Later on, my mom and their mom became friends. Right. And then it got really fucked up.

So I told my mom that somebody else had stolen it, and I bought it from them. Oh, that's not bad. Did she believe it? Yes. Oh, okay, okay. And that was, because we had a friend Eddie Lamentka. Eddie Lamentka was a dude that was five-foot-one, Cuban, had no. disregard of respect for nothing.

Oh, man. If there was something that you left for a minute, it's his. It was Eddie's. And the problem with Eddie was, he was lightning in real life, like you couldn't catch him. Jesus. Like you couldn't catch him. There's no way he could bust him, taking shit. Yeah. Wow. So Eddie would come to

your house once a day with something. The jewelry store. Hey, look what I got. Boxes. I remember one time we robbed a box of condoms. Went to get ice cream and we're walking back on the pharmacy. We don't even know what I do. We don't even know how you use a condom. Hey,

but everybody got condoms in the neighborhood. Everybody had two condoms in their wallet. Look at what I got my wallet. We didn't feel like the king, man. I didn't even saw a tit at that time of my life. We're walking around with a condom in my fucking wallet. Oh, that's great. Jesus, yeah.

And then there was a kid next to me, Valentin Farrow. And he was a fucking professional bicycle klepto, who I adored. I called him about a year ago. He never called me back. He didn't call me for about a week. Yeah.

Was he just pop chain? Can he go? Valentin was you with bicycles. This is before the computer. Oh, yeah, okay. Valentin, nor drank nor smoked. Yeah. He was a fucking nerd.

Like, if you pulled up in front of Valentine's house and just had a conversation with him with a bicycle, he'd find something wrong with your bicycle, call you an idiot. You're walking around with a stupid fucking bicycle. You should oil that fucking chain, you fucking asshole. Something wrong with a spoke, and he finds it. And then he'd go, how come we don't have a cissy bar?

How are you going to pop wheel? I got a sissy bar on the back. Give me $3 later. And he come and install the sissy bar while you were talking to you. He was a genius. He was one of those nerds. Yeah? I can't say what he does now, but now I saw what he became.

Right. He was one of those nerdy dudes. And then one day I said something to him. I go, you're looking for a handlebar. I saw a bike tied up. And he's like, what are you thinking? Can I steal it? And I thought that it belonged to something that was selling it, like on 39th Street.

And he went and stole it. Wow. And like a day later, he took the handlebars, put it on his bicycle, and he built another bicycle from that bicycle. They came looking for that bicycle, and he had it right there. He goes, what? So I was even known from my mind. He was a great painter.

He taped everything. He took everything off, all that metal. He took off. He polished it. He fucking nailed down the serial number and put another serial number down. He was a genius. He was a genius at 12. And he was a speed demon.

He would get on the bicycles and go up to the top of the hill and shoot down and shit. trust me, I can't go into how many bad things I do. I got him on a putt putt one night over the holidays. You know those kind of one with the long wall ones. And he fucking hit black ice. And the seat wasn't screwed in. And also he looked right at me. He just let all the back in.

I can live to be 100. And I would never forget that night. That's amazing. He did probably, the thing was like a 50-cc. Yeah. Richie Vanichick was another nerd with glasses that used to go hunting. and he revved that engine up to like a 75 cc and it was like Christmas

you want a water brother I'm good I'm good thank you it was like Christmas and we traded motorcycles and fucking sure is great man but that was I knew a lot of kleptos you know it's funny when I went to Colorado

I had a friend that was sending me stolen stuff Lee couldn't get rid of it Wow what do you mean you couldn't get rid of it Right now if I came to you Lee and I said Lee guess what I got a box of fucking I got a truck load of microphones out there Okay.

Every time you start a podcast, you can sell on microphones. Of course, Lee's not from that environment. He would not buy her. Lee would not understand. Nowadays, yeah, yeah, because you all wear those. Are those marked? Can they trace it back to me? Yeah.

When I was growing up, it was very, you would walk into people's homes, and somebody's parents would say, hey, excuse me, what size shirt are you? What's the amount? Large. Hold on a second. Mildred, bring out those shirts. They start putting shirts on you And the family, the father's the salesman

I grew up with a family specifically That I would go to their home To place bets And every time I'd go to their home There was always something You walked out of it with leather Now you old the guy $90, but I went in there fucking up 40

I went to go play a game Yeah I went in there Up 40 I had 80 in my pocket To go snort And I got a new fucking wardrobe He had a garage That was busting at the seams When I tell you guys

it was he couldn't close it like from all the stolen shit in there and he would go in there look and you go I just got him a week ago hold on he'd open it up and start pulling shit out of there all over the street you know and there'd be shit all over the street then he'd find those pair of sneakers for you give me 15 put it on the arm come by just when are you gonna come by with my money next week okay put them on they look nice on you not only was a thief like he got them from somewhere somebody would dump a load on him but he knew how to dress you Right. Like you got those black pants with that brown pair pants.

I got some black pants. You're going to look like fucking Al Capone when you're even. You're like 13. You're like, what the fuck I'm buying pants at a house? You saw that Eddie Alvarez, area, Hawani walk? Remember, he walked by a store with the fake neckie shirts? And he said this guy at the store had been there forever. Just like stolen fake neckie shirts.

Back then, but back then there was really like, I remember because I, you know, I was a very little kid back. But I still have the memories of being like a 10 years old, nine years old. Family does a road trip to Vegas, right? And the minute you get near the strip, eight dudes were trying to sell my uncle a gold watch, a gold chain. You know what I mean? It was just this back then, right? I don't know if you, am I wrong?

It just seemed like it was just the Wild West for that kind of shit where people would bootleg any fucking thing, any handbag. Like my aunt was a, she taught a high school, all Mexican high school in Dallas, dude. You go to the parking lot and after school every day for. like 81 to 87 it was kids selling handbags that were either stolen or fakes right all that shit just it's all it was 24-7 it was interesting how there was just no like it was just kind of a thing and you'd be like shit are they gonna get busted and they never got fucking busted at least that you saw they were just there every Friday night after school they would just be sitting there trying to sell shit when school ended it was crazy I never really met hijackers until

I got out of North Bergen and came back. And they didn't sell you the stuff. They dumped the whole load somewhere, you know. But it's funny how when my mom had the bar, when I was a kid, Italians would come in there with dresses, women's shoes, sneakers. Once they get to know you, they know. They'll look at you before they leave. They already come prepared.

You look like you're six. Yeah. Some of them would show up with the fucking thing. There's a movie called Family. business with Sean Connery. Yes, I remember this. Matthew Broderick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And

Dustin Hoffman? And Dustin Hoffman. That's right. Yeah. And every scene, in three other scenes in that movie, a guy with Stone stuff shows up. And it's fucking perfect of how it was happening in New York in the mid-70s. Because my mom used to go to a bar before

we went to a track. I was like, fucking six. And I still remember that guy, like in my head, what he looked like. You know, he was selling watches. But this guy in this movie did it perfect. The first scene he comes in and Sean Conner, he's drinking with Matthew Broderick at the bar. And he walks in, hey, how you doing? What's going on? Oh, this is Paul. He's going. Oh, I know you're dead. What's going on? How are you got? What are you got to get to that? Oh, I got Fabianian. $300 up and down Broadway. I got him for $90. Oh, that's badass. And he goes like this. Like he goes, I I got them up and down Broadway.

They go for $300. I got him right here tonight for $75. And right away, he goes, what size is he? And he gives him the shoes. And right away, he's already done. 90. That's just the way it is. You bought it.

You took it. He knew. And if you didn't have the money, he was fine. He'll catch you next week. He'll get you next week. He'll get you next week because he's coming back with a suit. Right.

But you know that these, and they were. For you to have these shoes, they were really $300 plus tax. He's got them right there for $75. Fucking dollars. I think about that. Like you were getting the best sale of your life. And then he'd look at the other guy and go, what are you, a nine?

Yeah. I got you. I got this. It was fucking beautiful. Then he shows about the wake. The dude that owns the car dies. And this motherfucker is a thousand cops in the room, gangsters. And he shows, he walks and he goes, oh, look at all the boys are here today.

It goes like this. And all of a sudden two little fucking thugs bringing a rack of jackets. And he's like, how you doing, boy? I got you. He's like, how are you guys doing? All right. This jacket, this is a fucking Italian weave. It goes for 800 all over the east side.

I got it right here for 200 cash. What size do you? You got you. I mean, he always had your number. And then you see him later on at the fucking when they dumped the ashes. He's carrying like a load of TVs and shit. Fucking five floors. Those guys are relentless.

Those guys wouldn't exist out here. Somebody would call the cops on them. You know who got, you know who replaced him? And this is what I really think. The modern day version of Heist guys are the people who do those storage auctions, who own those fucking storage facilities, and then the people

can't pay them, and now that shit's theirs, and they just sell it. Like that is, how is that any different, really? You know what I mean? It's just a legal way of robbing people. It's just, say, here, put your shit in storage. Yeah, 80 bucks a month. Oh, whatever you don't need, just put it in storage. And then people forget, they don't make payments, then they lose all that shit, and they just sell it.

They just auction it. There's even a fucking TV show about it with that fucking storage Wars, you know? Like, we're people, I mean, that's like, that's that modern day heist. You ever lose the storage? I did. My mom did. I was so pissed.

All my concert T-shirts were in a box. And I was like, oh, it was like, come on. And it was, it was because. Sony Trinitron on a waylifting bench. I had a fucking mattress that was tremendously comfortable. How many months do they give you to pay rent? I paid it for six months. I called.

I didn't fucking know the game. I thought you could, you know, I was trying to chuck and jog. Joe, that shit's like Vegas, dog. Those storage places. are like Vegas. I didn't fucking know. The house always wins with storage. They always get you, dude.

And I've never heard of a good story with the storage. Someone putting shit in storage. They always end up like, I fell behind. Fuck it. And then all your shit's gone. It's just, I'm telling you, dude,

that's the modern heist. That's why I'm never going to do that. Fuck it, I'll just throw it away. I'll sell it. I'll give it to a fucking one of my nephews, one of my cousins, something.

But that storage shit, you're just asking it. You're asking to be somewhere in Loreto right now, there's some motherfucker walking around with my nervo. a concert t-shirt my faith no more my octung baby like they got all that shit it's oh man it's that's the worst when you had to start from scratch two or three fucking times the one time after they you were laughing at house mc's i was the house i'm seeing miami for four fucking yeah but you weren't a

bitter comic you were starting i was that's a difference no no i wasn't starting i was here already okay and my car got towed my apartment got to oh there you go shit you have no choice and i go joke whatever the manager you give me $1,500 for four weeks. I don't know if I can do that. Yes, you can't. You can do it. He did it, and I went down there, and that was a, what's that store that they always have sales? I know what you're talking about.

Joe something. Yeah. What do they call those fucking stores? Fuck. Jesus Christ, they're popular as fuck. They got three T-shirts. It's the men's clothing place. No, they got everything.

They got women's clothing, too. Target? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, anyway, they have the store in the heart of fucking Miami. and coconut growth. Like, it doesn't belong, and it's two floors. And I would go in there and get,

and here's the other thing that they had clothes that are heavier that we could wear around here, but you can't wear back. You'll melt if you wear that line. So it was amazing. I got these deals,

so I went in there after I had no clothes. Get a belior track suit for 20 months. Yeah, two in a whole fucking wardrobe. They threw in the socks. Bam! I was brand new after four. weeks in Miami eating human food talking Spanish and shit but you came back though that's a difference so those a lot of those house MCs are the lifers who they get so disillusioned and they

get so bitter and you know the guy I'm talking about he wasn't the house MC but it's like this thousand listen man let's pretend I would have came out here and the shit wasn't a gun the way I thought right and all those years of traveling there's one comedy club owner that clip always yeah sure him and go listen guy I'm in a bind I'm not doing doing too well yeah i know you got that extra comedy kind of on the back you used to fuck the waitresses right let me move in there let me get my life together you bring a waitress i'll get out of your way writing class with young comics teach defensive driving something defensive driving and whatever and i'm and then the weeks you don't want me i'll pick up around texas or i'll pick up around

irizona or michigan or whatever listen there's a couple types of comics and after the journey i take them i respect every single one because you have a choice on what to do l a and for everybody no New York A for fucking everybody. And I will say this, to go against my point, you have to, I still, you can't get mad at the fact that those guys are still doing it at least. At least they didn't throw in the towel. At least they're actually still doing comedy. I was going to ask that. Why?

I mean, it's not, I'm not saying that they should give up on if it's their dream, but if they. Dude, it's, it's like, it's like coaching. Like, I remember my algebra teacher in high school and junior year algebra was an old football coach. and he would just sit there and draw plays while we were all taking a test and be like, what do you, I would ask him, what are you doing? He goes, man, tell you something,

coaching ain't never leaving your blood. If you're a coach, you're a coach for life. Same thing with stand-up. It never leaves you. Like, there's no way any guy who's been a stand-up comic for more than a couple of years is ever not going to sit there and write jokes

and want to do it. Like, it just doesn't leave you. Let's pretend. You come out here. You meet a girl, you have a child. Right. You're doing okay as a comic. You're a warm-up on a job.

TV show. Fucking A. You do some spots at the improv. Some clubs hire. You got a night here and night there. You do the Spanish clubs with Willie and Felipe's shit. You make a little money. You know what, man?

And one day you go, you know what? We don't want to live here no more. Yeah. I respect that guy too because he's got a fucking family. Right. You know, maybe he gets a great deal on Arizona. His wife gets a great job. A lot of guys I started with in Denver.

They ended up having children. And what they did was they got a job. Yeah. And then they did comedy. They did those rooms, but they understood where they were. They knew their place. This is what I'm going to do with my life. I'm going to keep my day job, my family needs insurance.

And they were happy. But at night, my wife knows I do three nights a week out. I come here on Tuesdays and see the boys. I go to McKelves on Thursdays. And those dudes are happy. Yeah, man. Because you know where the fuck you stand. Right.

You know, and you know, it's, it ain't over till they put you in the casket down. Right. Look at Ronnie Dangerfield. It ain't over to they put you. in the casket that's the other thing that people never really you could be fucking uh somebody was telling me what's his name story junior soprano he hadn't worked for years yeah and listen here he goes to he was in the godfather too yeah and he was in the godfather yeah you know so you never fucking know with any you ain't over till it's over i think joe peshy was a failed singer

he was working his singing career didn't take off and he was working at a restaurant do you remember that story yeah he was working at a restaurant it's like the what do they call the guy, the matri d'e, the one, hey, come in New York, and he gets a phone call. It's De Niro and Scorsese. Ask him to be enraging Bull. And he thinks it's a friend pranking him. So, they fuck you. And he hangs up on him. And they call back. They're like, this is really us. We want you to come read for this. Like, you never, never tell you, um, the Bill Hicks story when, when, when he was doing Dangerfields for the first time. Um, do you remember, um, do you remember, um, do you remember her? I remember the name. Okay. So she used to manage him way back when, right? And this is, I, Always tell any young comic who's ever like, you know, when they get bummed out about having a bad set,

none of that fucking matters. Okay, so Bill Hicks goes to New York for the first time. And she's his manager and she knows, remember that guy? He managed everybody from like Jew Kerry to Foxworthy Musina. Remember him? Yeah, yeah. So at the time, I guess he knew a bunch of people in New York. And she said it was, it was either him or his brother, right?

And she goes, look, I want this kid Bill. You know, I think he's a really funny comic. He's amazing. I want to get him, you know, just kind of get his feet wet in New York City. He goes, yeah, I'll give him a night at Dangerfields. We'll call him, we'll put him up. And he goes up, Bill Hicks, and he bombs his ass off. Just fucking bombs.

And he goes, he leaves a club. He goes to a pay phone. And he calls Sandy at like two in the morning. And his but crying. He's like, look, you stuck your neck out for me. And I let you down. And I'm so sorry. I just, I can't.

And she goes, look, it probably wasn't as bad as you thought. Just, you know, go to your hotel room, get some sleep. I'll call the guy in the morning. You know, I'm sure it'll be fine. He goes to his hotel room, sleeps it off. She calls the. dude the next morning. She goes, look, I heard my guy had a bad set. And he goes, no, no, no, he didn't have a bad set. He had the worst set that anybody has ever had in this club. That's how

bad he was. And then she starts to apologize. She's like, oh, my God. And he goes, no, no, no, Rodney loved him. That was it. Rodney Dangerfield happened to be sitting at the back of his own fucking room, saw him and was like, fuck this audience, that guy. And that was it. He got him on his HBO special. That kickstarted his career. Granted, he, you know, he wasn't as big in America as he in England, but none of his career would have happened had it not been for the worst set of his fucking life. So it's amazing how, and I remember you told me this way back and when, as long as you're still on stage, you're in the fight.

As long as you still go up and perform comedy, you're still swinging. You still have gloves on and you haven't been knocked out yet. And you're absolutely right when you told me that. And that's, that story is like proof positive that like if there's any comedian who's listening, I know you got a lot of comedians, fans or comedians, don't ever get discouraged by a shitty set because you never know what the fuck could be. Because we're going to have a million of them, and you never know what's going to happen. Like, could you imagine the best set of your, the worst set of your life ends up being what gives you a career?

I mean, it happens, dude. Well, because somebody sees your point of view. Yeah, exactly. That's all they need to see is. He had a voice. He wasn't, he wasn't a dumb, he didn't have any, he wasn't doing hacky shit. He had his own voice. He had his own style.

And Brodney Dangerfield feels like, no, yeah, this guy's great. I don't know, fuck, I don't give a shit if the crowd's not laughing. This guy's amazing. Yeah, he's doing my, you're doing my young comedian special. You know, I always tell people I learn lessons from criminal lessons. Right. And it's very hard to explain it. Lee's catching on over the years.

He giggles at night. Sometimes we stay in and smoke a number. And I'll never forget, Cy Lawrence. Sign Lawrence is one of my own-time favorite Jewish people. And Cy Lawrence did those scams, like that type of scam. And when he took you, when you fell or whatever you did, you got hit by the bus. Whatever fuck you did it, the next day he took it to the hospital. And he took it to a fucking lawyer.

Right. Right. And as soon as you, you know, you went to the lawyer and the lawyer started giving your paperwork, what doctors you're going to see, neurologist, and what they basically were doing were running up bills. The more bills, the more money you get. Okay.

And they tell you, and you're like, so when do I get my $30,000? Like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. This is a job. This is a job. But they said something that always stuck with me. You got to punch in every day. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, something fucked with me about that. They go, the work is punching in. I don't forget how they phrased it. I'm sorry, I'm a little high. I don't see where deep in the murky was. But he goes, at the end of the day, this is just about punching it. He goes, the more you punch in, the more money we're going to get. The more you punch in, and it hit me weird.

And that was the first time that got me. And then the second time it got me was when I bumped into fucking slash in the Riviera, I got no reason to lie to nobody. I had $3 in my pocket. I had cigarettes and water in my room, puddle water. In those days, I couldn't even afford the thing. I couldn't even have the deposit for the fucking phone. Like Rogan would have to be embarrassed.

The Riviera paid me $200 for the weekend for two shows at midnight. It was a fucking... And I went with Joe, and I'll never forget that I was walking around from the oxygen. It was like some type of convention, like for comic books or T-shirts. And they tried to keep your ass away. The slash was there. And I asked him what happened with Axel. And he goes, you know, right now you're broke and you're struggling.

He goes, but remember these times. Because these are the times that are going to justify later on when you're getting big checks. Oh, yeah. This is so you don't lose your mind because that's what happens when people don't put in the work. They lose it. They lose it later on because they know they didn't put it into work. I know for a fact that if I punched in, which opposite of that means getting on stage, Right. At any level, it could be a $50 set.

When I first got into comedy, everybody wants you to be this big money earner. I didn't look at it that way. I looked at it as, what are you paying for this room? 50 bucks. Okay. Lee, what are you paying for your room? 65 in the dinner. Remember those days?

60 and three drink tickets. Fuck you. You know, 75 and three drink tickets. You know, 100 and $3. $50 spot? I thought it was a rock star. I'm like, oh, my God. That's it.

I got $50 cash? And then you start making $100 a week. Now it's $400. a month. Then the next month you make an extra gig, 500 of them right? Now you're in the game. Because you kept your nut low. Let me ask you,

do you remember the first time you got back to back weeks, how crazy that felt? Remember that? You were just like, fucking A. Like, I really, this is real, isn't it? It's about to go down. Right?

This is real. Like, I'm thinking I'm going to, oh, man. Awesome people. Yes. Dude, that was a best fucking feeling, man. That's, that's a good point there. That's great. Like, just keep punching it.

You have to. You have to. That's it. That's the secret to all these fucking dumb things. Because when somebody tells you, I want to be a doctor who wants to take you seven years, you look at it like fucking from here to eternity. Of course. You know, we all look at stuff like it's a distance. I'll never do 10 years in prison.

Fucking people do it all the time. And they come out and they join a band and they get that too. And they're back, bitch. Next you know they're a lot on. I don't know what you're talking about. I've been here all night. You know, the whole fucking... I remember there was this comedian in Dallas,

this great guy named Dave Little, super funny dude. He's still around. You know, he was just a doubt. He did the road for forever. And he, we pulled me aside one day when I was a kid because I was, one comic was bitching. It was a showcase room in Dallas.

And this dude was bitching. He was a new guy. Just came in and he was mad that they weren't paying him for a spot, right? And this guy, Dave pulled me saying, because you see that guy? You don't ever want to be like that. He goes, if you're trying to, if you're doing this just to make money,

leave her. No. Because, you know, that's not because you just have to want to do it. You have to want to be good at it. And then you'll get a paycheck. Don't worry. It doesn't matter. $50, $22, $25.

I didn't look at it that way. I remember putting it down in notebooks. Like when I first moved to L.A., I put down every penny I made in all those little Felipe rooms and Lozario rooms and those, you know, those rooms paid so many bills. Gosh, so many Coke bills, electric bills, grocery bills. and fucking, let me give some shoutouts here real quick. Executive function, oh shit. Tao Mordehay Jr., cosmic timelessness,

cocaine tamale's making a comeback, the nutman, Brett Baker, Cymart Zero, and Peter Mandi Baw. Are you kidding me or what? Lee, how are you feeling? over there. Is this mafia game fucking downloaded or what? I think it probably

is. Jesus Christ, two hours to download a game. I thought you popped in it's like a CD. Boon, pew, pew. In other days, it just cost a quarter. They just put it in a quarter and it was ready to go. You just pop in that token at the arcade and you're ready to go.

What do you got going on, Tarzan? Nothing much, man. Same old shit, working on another hour. You know? Age is still sending you out. Yeah, yeah. Doing a, I'm in Claremont this weekend at the flappers. And then I mean, you're all stomphing girls. I mean, it laughs in Seattle, November 4th and 5th. Tell them you don't know me.

Yeah. When you get to Seattle, dog, anybody asks you something like that guy from law and all right. I swear, I'd be there. I'd be more than that. I'd be more than I'd. Any good Chinese food up there that might still be around? 20 years. Yeah, fuck, that's true.

Yeah. 20 fucking years. There was two places that were throwing heat in Seattle. But heating that time for me, I couldn't find that I grow. Oh. But I did find soup. Okay. Dry noodles.

Yeah. and the shrimp and lobster sauce that would kick in the ball sack and take you right down. Two places I found, and both places made them with prawns. One place by the old improv. Okay. By the market?

Yeah, yeah. By that fish market? Yeah, yeah. This is 20 years ago. Sure, sure. When you came out of the market, you cross the street and you make a right on that street down, and it was in there.

It was a small joint. They had a creamy, it was different than when you get embossed and stuff like that leak. That's what I've been doing. I'm gonna go on an extreme diet from now until I get to Boston the first night. I'm gonna go get pork fried rice and shrimp and lobster sauce. They make it with that brown fucking Boston shrimp. It's dipped in fucking dead bodies out there.

My dad used to get that I never tried it. I forgot to ask you. How did the special go, man? The special was great. Yeah, good, man. For what I've done, for what I could do. Yeah. You know, the first, I've been watching the clip.

You know, when you're there, you're under the ether. sure you have a good time the energy was great you know the second show when I came out I appreciate all the people that went and uh when I watched it yeah it was what I expected that's awesome man they still got to chop it up and put the sound and all that stuff it was an interesting experience did you use a did you use a cue card or anything like that or did you remember it all you know me dog yeah I went out there with a plan and then for the second show I bombed the first show so I had to switch it up yeah and I fucking one and then really gave the energy that they you know you realize that the energy is six

six quarters of the battle you'm saying when when in the set process do you abandon the plan is it like are you it all varies it all just depends i mean like it you know you could panic and say fuck it after the first joke and and go off i mean it it all depends right and it and you can tell what the crowd what they're going to be into or not like it yeah it's but yeah i mean like my might the when I did with Gabe the special it was one night we had there wasn't even two shows it was one show that I had to tape and and fluff was like and I was scared shitless but it was in niac up up in New York and and I remember thinking like fuck I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get through and right as it's okay arts you're up you know I hear you know they're getting ready

to bring me up on the stage and it was literally we had it was one fucking show it was a nine o'clock show that was all that we had to tape it was just one show and I'm like okay I can do this one take one cut there was no stop it we literally did the whole fucking thing in one you know it was just one at four cameras right but it was all one thing I was like fuck it let's do it I was scared shitless and I'm walking out in to go up on stage and I see Joe de Stefano Mikey D's older brother who looks just like Mike just like Mike and I was when I saw him all the fear it was like I thought it was like Mike he had just walked in. He gave you this big hug.

And I was like, oh, okay, I'm ready. And it just went out. It was, dude, it was incredible. I could knock on wood, it's going to be on a streaming service in about a month or two. Coming to a theater. Yeah, yeah. How are you feeling, Coxuck? You ready for another star for the weekend? Sure, let's do it.

Keep you alive and kicking this show. You're falling asleep. You're going into a trance. What's a star? What are you going to go home and eat? What are you going to go home? What are you got over there? I got, I got some cold cuts, I think.

Oh, what kind of cold cuts you got? surprised me. Turkey and pepperoni. Where do you get them from? Joey turned me on to a new Ralph's. Oh, which one? How was it? You like it?

It was great. Yeah. Oh, my God. How's the parking over that, because? It looked like it could be kind of tight, but when we went, it was fine. What times you go? I think we went like middle of the afternoon. You're talking cold water witsitt?

No. I like Coldwater Whitson. I'm a cold water witschit. I like that guy. You know who's actually got not bad cuts is that John's that's that's right there by us. Oh, I hate that one of the Mexican. The Magnolia and Laurel Canyon. Dude, the cold cuts aren't bad.

They're not bad, man. They got Duman's? I don't know if they have that. What do you get? What do you get? I got there once and maybe I got the wrong one, but I didn't like it. What did you get Routes? You get Duman's?

Boerset. They got Borset. The one they had there that it was fucking unreal was just garlic and herb, peppered turkey. Fuck, man, that was a shit. I like my turkey plan. Yeah. I put all that shit on it. I put all that shit on it.

A little mayonnaise, shredded lettuce. I'm back, bitch. On a seated roll, I'm back. What are you who? Dude, you know who's got? With a slice of fucking Swiss cheese. Have you been to Roma's Italian deli that's right up Langersham? Romas?

Oh, true, how we've gone on that since the inception? Dude, that fucking, I went to the place. You know it's good when the owner has three pictures of him and Sinatra hanging out. Oh, please. Like, that's like, okay, this is the place. Yeah, that's fucking good, man. It takes balls to go up there. That's a fucked up part of town.

Oh, God. I go over all the time. I just went after about a year. When I first moved up here, and I discussed, somebody turned me on to it, and I started going and they got a tremendous lunch, bash. Oh, those Italian sandwiches are such a $5.65 for a soda sandwich. A salad, two sides? And you get fucking the roasted peppers.

Yes. And the macaroni salad, it's like, I'm in hashways. Yeah. It's like I'm in hashways, Jersey. Oh, I even miss the hashway dripping hair and two fucking sandwich. It's got rest of salt. It's so good that place, man. Fuck, it's good.

It's cheap as shit, too. You're right. $6. dollars you get a fucking meal it's man that place is good romans is good but you're right it is sketchy shit going they got that place next door is so explosive yeah they got they got the Mexican

kinsangetta hall they're there one day they got everything you're like what the fuck is this place how are they open torches of your crackhead they got everything in there how are they going there you know a place I'm talking about right next to it yeah got this place It's like a building.

And they got everything. That's the car stereo, speakers, a fucking fire suit. They got everything. I'm telling it. Speak, a fucking earplied. I guarantee you they own a storage unit somewhere. And they're taking shit to people. They're selling hot shit.

That's a sketchy part of town. It is, man. Once you cross over that shit, that's a spoo. I don't even like that target up there. I tell my wife, please. Which target is that one? There's a target. The victory one?

Yeah. Oh, whoa, man. You know there's going to be a shoot out there. Yeah, there. You can smell the gunpower. Yeah, that's the target I go to. Oh, please. Anything I'm going to.

No, it's like, yeah, you just feel it. And they're going to drop pamphlets out with a picture Kennedy out and shit. I hate when my wife takes my baby to that target. You want to get shot and shut on your own time? That is the one target. I don't know. I've, like, I've lived two times I've gone to that target. There's been a kid covered in its own shit crying because it didn't have a parent.

And they had to fight. And like, nobody cared. And I remember having to call. Like, can somebody please? And they found the mom. She was like halfway across the other end of the same. store like that shit happens all the time at that target there's spooky that that's that's that's that's that's a type of target where I guarantee you the manager could sell you could sell you half the

shit there for half off out back right if you tell them to come back with cash right after they close he'll meet you outside and be like hey you want they got a Starbucks in there yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm telling you and a witch witch oh wait a witch how many witch witch witch which witches have you had leave just one cheese what flavor uh turkey Unbelievable. Is that place good on Irvinville? No. No.

It's garbage. Why would it be good if he went out? I just wanted to try it. It was good. Try it. Why would you want to try it? I got a piece of dog shit. I'm going to cover it with chocolate.

You want to try that? 899 with a drink? I still got it. My Wednesday night, cock suckers. Even after driving, I'd sent. That was my route, that Olympic route. That was. Ladies and gentlemen, I love you guys.

I never want you to think I'm whining to you. I got stuck. And fucking brutal Los Angeles traffic thing. You guys know me against my best fucking wishes, okay? But sometimes you're going to go talk to some people. You got to do it, too. They're going to talk to you, and they're always in Santa Monica. And they always want to talk to you at the end of that day.

The fucking drive down there was paradise. It was the first time I didn't get in the HOV lane. I just drove like regular Americans waving at people. I didn't have a call for 60 yards in front of me. Whoa. I was crossing lanes. It was completely fucking empty. I mean, I was like, what is going on with the 405?

That never happened. The other side going north, bumper to bumper. Dead. People waving like, they got stuck in Katrina. They're waving with their hands. Sound by there. Fucking, I'm going south, and I'm doing 85. I got there at far.

I left my house at 10 to 3. And they got the Santa Monica at 319 to the location. Holy shit. That's how fast. And I had an exit on the tent. There was nobody. There was a kid on a bicycle. Nobody even said nothing to him.

I was shot straight in like nothing. When I got out of there, I hadn't seen nothing like that in a long time. Now, the last time I saw something like that, I got in that left-hand lane. Yeah. And I wrote it for about a mile until I went around it. It doesn't die until you go around the 405. Yeah. On Olympic.

And it took me from 2,700 Santa Monica there to fucking the 405. And it was easy getting back too? It took me an hour. The 405 was men's amends, but the fucking, once you got on it, I mean, he just, and you get aggravated. All I do is when I'm driving, I go, thank God I don't have to do this five days a week. Right, exactly. Oh, could you imagine? That would kill you America.

Some nine to five shit. It would fucking kill you. That's what I did. That's right for three years. It is a fucking nightmare. really it tests your fucking soul there's always an accident and it's a it's just weird it's just weird to even describe and it's it thank god i had to do i haven't done in a long time i was kind upset last night i got away with the obama thing Tuesday i had plans to go to marina del

right oh obama was gonna be down that thing and then the guy took the gun out down on temple street right he shut traffic down for three hours people don't know what you're fucking every day there's fucking drama and if you get involved and making all these more moves that you don't need to make. You will get caught in a fucking whirlwind of fucking traffic. And it always happens when you're on E and you got to pee. On E and you got a pee, all right?

That's the next of your new fucking album. I'm on E and I got a pee. Who the fucking thing you're dealing with? I still spit a month. It's Wednesday night. I must add to CBD juice or something today. Oh, shit. That's great.

That's right. That's great. What are you doing this weekend, Lisa? Yeah, nothing? one of my old uh i'm going to a um a benefit for the pug rescue aw very nice just sit good for you man just put your head right in the fucking computer yeah i'm not good for you unbelievable unbelievable

it's called the pugtacular spooktacular that's a great that's good fucking i see what happens when i leave time yeah now you're doing a good thing he giggles like a half the fruit cake he's doing a service man he's doing a service good for him We were just rapping that earlier, and it's just scary. I think about it now, and I think about my daughter, and I think about like nieces and friends, kids, and I think about me getting in a car when I'm 19 years old

with maybe $1,600 in my pocket, and maybe some weed and going cross-country with a barbell and two speakers, landing in basalt for three months, It's not really having a job for two of those months. And I picked up little gigs and I could fucking float around. And then I moved to Snowmass Village. And that's what I was telling you about when we robbed the fucking, that was just craziness. God.

That's amazing. But guess what? At that time, I was heartbroken. I left New Jersey. My mom had died. I was in love when I left. Somebody else was giving her a stabbing. You know, my dreams.

The worst feelings, dude. But when I went over there, you know what? I got into like a vocational. No, I got into Colorado Mountain College. At first I was going to go to vocational school. And I checked out the plumbing course. And I was like the same for me. I got to do something a little bit more fucking free.

Right. And I got into the electrical business. And I was an electrician when I was up there. You know, being young is fucking great. You've got to do shit sometimes. Even if you don't, even if you go away for one year. Yeah. And just to give it a shot.

You know, you know, I want to go. somewhere for one year. Take your journey, man. It may not be Los Angeles or Hawaii, but I would go like Houston, Texas for a year or New Orleans. I can't send no, but I can't be responsible for them.

That'll fuck you ever be there for a weekend, man. Really? What? In New Orleans is too crazy? It's a little bit crazy, New Orleans, man. I think it's more of a sin city than Vegas, right? Like, it's more of it's a different type of fucking sin. In Vegas, I got a camera everywhere.

If I stab you in Vegas, I'm in jail in 24, fuck hours. No question. 24 and a half hours, I'm in jail. New Orleans, they might never find you. They'll never find you. They throw you in one of those levees. They'll bury under one of those sausage houses.

Yeah. People drink on top of you for a year before something spells you. It's fucking, you know, and that's a real. I don't know. And I'm not putting down New Orleans by now. I just heard a lot of things. When I was down there, I didn't dabble when I was down there. I kept close to the set.

I took cars, whenever they said, anybody were in a hotel? Right. Yeah. Yeah. If I want to walk, I'll join a country club. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to fucking walk no way. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

What are you looking at me on a weird for? I'm not looking at you weird. I'm excited how you're talking about like places you go. There was a sandwich place I used to live above. Someone to go there. I'm excited to go to Boston. Nice. It's going to be fun.

A sandwich place? Yeah. You know, everything you talk about food in Boston. Well, you're going to go to Chinese food. You depressed me. Well, what sandwich? You get a sandwich here. Yeah, but.

Go to Domino, I was going to turkey. Because that's, if you got a sandwich, like if you said you were going back, you got a saucer sandwich. Well, I'm going to get a pizza, yeah. With sausages just dripping down your face. But I know you. I got a turkey with mustard and cheddar cheese with double tomato.

Same thing you get in some way. Yeah, and I'm going to kick you in the fucking leg. Because, you know, I can't deal with that shit in public. When she says turkey with cheddar. I don't get turkey with cheddar. I know you do it. I kick you right in the stomach. party's over

party's over that's it what's this guy doing turd it people at home are thinking what the fuck's going on tonight listen what the fuck you think's going on it's a Wednesday night I got comedy this weekend

in Las Vegas at the South Point casino that's why my main man Lee is not allowed this weekend that's why he's going to a bug festival and not he'd be in fucking Vegas with me eating stars and losing 20 bucks in the slot machines and tapping out

every time I go to Vegas and Lee, I go to my room. The next one I wake up to a story. What happened? I'm tired. What do you mean you're tired? We went upstairs to tell the clock, yeah, but then that too, I came down, and I was up 800, but then I went to my room, I couldn't sleep, and I came down, and I lost 600.

And I went, and there's a story, and then I had some eggs, and I don't feel good. How much were the eggs, Lee? 25 cents. Why don't you think you felt good, Lee? I don't know about 25 cent of eggs. Yes, you did. The story is true. Yes, you did.

Yes, it did. Is there a fight there this weekend? Anything good? No. You know, when I go to Vegas, man, I mind, like I just said to you, there's cameras everywhere. Yeah. So guess what Uncle Joey does? I mind my fucking business.

Go to your show, go to the room. That's it. Yeah. I go to the Clam Bar. That's how I don't really do the Vegas shit. I just go perform. I'm away from this trip. I'm too fucking old.

I love to join you. You know, I got friends from grammar school that looked at. Okay. That he's like family. Right. So he takes me to live. lunch, we go to our breakfast, so that's two meals. The kids come.

Now he's too old to come. He's my age. So his kids come to the comedy shows. And then we go up to the room and hang out. I'd give him UFC tickets. He's like my nephew. He really fucking is. He's great.

He was a fucking kid. Why are you staring me down, Cucks? I'm not standing you down. You're what? I'm just looking at you. You have an attack? No, I'm good. I'll let you get out of here.

I'll read some. monster you're going to give me some sheep. I'll stab me in the lung cugs. Thank you, my friend. There you go, yeah. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Look at you, Mafia 3. We don't fuck around here.

Was it fun doing that? Was it easy in and out kind of thing? Oh, yeah. It was really good in and out. I'll tell you after this. I'm going to ask me questions for you. I've got to talk about this. Lee Syatt has lost a few pounds on it.

I know he, uh, I mean, listen, let's face it. Lee Syedat is basically food poisoning. LeSiat's a Billy God. I love him like a brother. He's Billy God. I'm like a brother and a nephew. Lee's science worse than Mikey. He won't eat it once.

He'll try it twice. You know what I'm saying? Even though the first time got him a little sick, if he could save a dollar or they have something special in there, Leo will keep going back. But Lee did and looks really good since he's been on Blue Apron. He's happy, him and his girlfriend do it together. They have a great time.

I call him. He tells me what he's eating. I mean, he was really happy with it. I know you put it down when we were traveling. And I'm picking it up next week. You're picking it up next week for a reason. For less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes

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Your meals have a variety of recipes or let Blue Aprons culinary team just surprise you. You're sitting there, you're like, I'm having a shitty day. Boom, a box comes to your door. You open it up, guess who it is? Blue Apron and with a salmon, a dessert, a salad. That's what I'm talking about.

And you cook it in less than 30 minutes, all right? Every meal comes with a step by step, easy to follow recipe card, and pre-portioned ingredients and can be prepared. I was wrong. In 40 minutes or less, all right? Who's better than you? This is what you're going to do. Check out this week's menu.

Spicy beef skewers. Cod sandwiches with capo alioli, Sicilian-style ragatoni pasta, seared pork chops, and pastrami. Spiced salmon. Are you kidding me or what? That's what we're going to do. I'm going to get you your first three meals for free. That's right. Free. That's right. Free with free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash Joey. Again, I'm giving you three meals for free and free and free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash Joey. You'll love how good it feels and taste and to create home cooked meals with Blue Apron. don't wait. Plus, you learn how to cook. You save the recipe cards. Okay? Who's better than you? You want to impress girls, guys. You want to impress guys. This is a holiday season. You want to live there like a schlub. That's right. Three free meals and free shipping. Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Again, Blue Apron, a better way to cook, all right? Who's better than you, all right? Let me drop some real knowledge on you people. There we go. Hell yeah. I've been trying to tell you people for a long time. Uncle Joey's trying to help you out in more ways than one. you want to have friends you want to learn how to mingle

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that's when I first bumped into a bidet it was next to my mom's toilet had a hot water thing and a cold water thing and you sat there after you took a dump or you took a little leak or sometimes I just sat on the

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and just rotten ass all in general, okay? But days are also better for the environment because no paper, more trees. I remember one time I took mushrooms and I had diarrhea and I'm sitting there. I'm thinking of myself, how many trees they had a couple? All this toilet paper I'm using. I don't need that aggravation in my life.

That wouldn't have happened that time. Can you imagine eating mushrooms and sitting on your bidet? Never mind you get the fucking hot water one. That's when you're really hopping up and down. Now, I told you, bidetes are better for the environment, and they use one pint of water, all right? Now, Tushy stands behind their product for 60 guaranteed days, all right? I don't know for 60 or 30.

I forget, let's go with 30, all right? Who's better than you? Listen, you want to surprise somebody for the holidays? I've already had two people show up in shows with the boxes, and they love this thing. Nice. I installed one in my back bathroom. I've used this twice.

It is tremendous. Wait there. That cold water hits your scrotum. Unbelievable. Your head blows up, especially in the morning. You don't know where you're at. You got an amnesia, you know what I'm saying?

While you're drinking coffee, let that cold water. It's like somebody spit in your muffler. Tremendous. You know what I'm saying? Drop it at least I at. What do you think of it? Oh, my God. It's because when I, when we spoke last,

I had just installed it. And this is now, I don't know how many weeks later, but it's changed my life. Where were you without it, right? If Jerry snips your muffler right now, what will he smell? Daisy. Jerry, you can lick my muffler almost worry-free. Oh, nice.

It's been a few hours since I've been home. Anyway, you've been washing for 30 days. It's like I'm looking. You're nice and clean. Everybody's happy. Your wife likes it, right? Everybody uses it. She had never even tried one before.

for and she said it was a game changer it was it's it's amazing was you I was thinking about it today you asked me a question what level do I put it at and I look down there's not really levels there's no numbers but I I just put it almost all the way to 10 it's and it you just well you're a big guy you got on tacos oh yeah I got mayonnaise and lettuce and stuff I know but then you go cheese and all that au rancho tacos you ate there at the mother-in-law's house what do you think is mixing all that yum, yum food. Anyway, if you want to have a nice gift for somebody for the holidays and a nice little

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10% off. That's what we're offering you, all right now. Also, I wanted to do somebody to the church that I bumped into in the weirdest way. I was talking to somebody one day about dieting and about that. I was going to Jiu-Jitsu and how I liked not really eating before my meals. Now, I've always been very little on it with the shake in the morning. But in life, you get used to something, and sometimes you eat something at seven. That's what's wrong with diets.

That at first you have that egg with the one slice of egg McMillard. Sure. What do you call it, English muffin? Yeah, absolutely. And with a piece of cheese and with a piece of bacon and you have your little water. That works for about four months, and you do lose weight. But then you go right through that. So you have to switch it up from time to time.

So a friend of mine recommended this vanilla coconut meal replacement, okay, by primal. Let me tell you something. This stuff kept me full. You know I'm a fat fuck. I smoke marijuana, all right? I would have one of these at eight in the morning, and I would not eat until I got back from Jiu-Jitsu. Damn. And you felt great.

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This is the best time to watch what the fuck. No question. This is the time of the year when I really fucking watch it because I know you gain 15 pounds. This is the way to do it. A nice little way fucking protein shake in the morning with a fucking banana or whatever the fuck you're doing. But this is the way to do it.

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better than you motherfuckers nice Jerry LaRocca what do you got going on you're going here you're going to pompano yeah Lee's going to the fucking whatever convention via flappers in Claremont this weekend and then laughs in Seattle November 4th and 5th and if anybody gives a shit I got a brand new CD out called Pickledick on iTunes and Amazon you can pick up Jerry Roach of Pickle Dick at 799 and my podcast to ramble. And I also have a podcast where I talk action figures and video games called The Power Pals

of some of my buddies. So yeah, check all that shit out, man. Thank you for having me, though. Oh, bro, I miss you. I know you're the fucking king of the fucking. I miss you too, man. I wanted, I got a chance to do one of these games. Yes.

And I had never done it before. Yeah. And they sent me two of them in the mail. This is great. And I've never played a game before. So I said, do you play arcades back in the day? Do you ever fuck with that?

stuff like Pac-Man, right? Did you ever do any of that stuff? Because those were kind of hot back then, right? I like, you know, beo, pew, be-the- shit down. Gallagher. Yeah, of course. Okay, Gallagher is my motherfucking world.

It's a bad one. I love Pac-Man. Miss Pac-Man. Miss Pac-Man is my world. I'll get stoned and go to a dry cleaner on purpose. All these little Mexican dry cleaners around here, they all got Miss Pac-Man. They got one of those games like four and four games and one.

Yeah, yeah, that's great. And you can pick it. I will sit there, throw about the whole dry a 40-minute fucking run with a roll a $10

cord is I will go purposely and smoke weed in the car and come back there with a fucking soda

and I will sit there and play Gallagher and then I'll play Miss Backman I'll tell my fucking ADD or whatever

the fuck I get kicks in I can flashbacks and beat and I get the fuck out of there

that's how it's all that's great I never really I don't know how this works you know

I used to go to drug dealers homes that had that played these games. Yeah, sure, man. And I would sit there while they wear their Coke,

and I didn't know when they would argue when yelling each other, and they would play Madden 400, and I never really got it. I always knew that I didn't need these in my life. Of course, you know what I'm saying? Of course. These things are fucking addicted you. Oh, man.

But I'm 53. I never really played one. And, uh... Well, I mean, this is like the best, I'm not lying. This is probably the best time to get in it, because obviously now the systems are just so much more powerful. And this is, I'm telling me, and everything I've heard about this game is these are like, it's like you're, you know, the whole thing will probably maybe last like 15, 20 hours to play it. You know, I haven't played.

That's usually what they are. And it's like you're watching a great TV show. It's like it's an interactive episode of Law & Order where, you know, it's great. A lot of them, they, some, you know. How many have you been playing these? I've been playing them since I was out of the fucking when I was four years old, my mom got me a Coligo Vision. and that's how her and I bonded. It was just my mom and I, you know, because she hadn't met my, my, you know, she just met

my dad, her boyfriend who ended up being my dad. So there's two, and we would just play, we'd just play video games. Like when I've come up to do homework and then I'll play video games with my mom. And then the game changer of them all was because the Atari came out, right? The Atari 2,600. And then it just got shitty. All of a sudden, it was just shitty video game after shitty video game. And then they made a video game for the movie E.

That was historically the worst video game. ever made like it barely turned on when you put it in they just had to rush it out because a movie was so popular and it literally killed the video game industry for about two or three years it killed it was just dead they even have a famous landfill where they're so they buried like two million copies of that et game somewhere in the fucking desert in libata and uh and um they actually did a documentary where they dug them all back up and sure enough every that was an urban legend but they were all fucking in there and then nintendo just changed the game with super mario brothers and then They had their system and it brought everybody back.

You know all about this Lee also? I'm not a good gamer. I get bored after two weeks because I'm not as good. If it takes a good gamer 20 hours, it takes me like 100 hours. Sure. So I get angry. But when you said you play with your mom, I used to play Mario on, what is it, on the first game boy. Oh, yeah, the first game boy was, yeah, of course.

And then what Joe, what it did was it just brought the arcade into your living room, right? Yeah, my mom used to set the timer on the stove. Yeah. So her, me and my brother could share time. Could take turns. Yes. And so we would, and then, and I just, it was just Joe, it just never went away, dude. It was like, it was the same thing as listening to Pink Floyd for the first time.

You know how, you know, when you listen to Pink Floyd for the first time, you're like, holy shit, I'm in for life. I'm going to go wherever these guys take me. That's what happened with video games. It was that Super Mario Brothers. When that shit dropped in 85, I was like, forget it. I'll be wherever these guys want to take you. You still play these? Every day.

every day I got my girlfriend playing she was never into this shit now she loves it like there there's some tremendous video games out there there are video games where as far as story and even the acting rivals films I mean there's some great stories being told

in that medium it's great shit man it's good it's for the fun man I was never never um not it listen man there's some things that you learn that you look at you go you know what that looks like fun in my world.

Listen, windows. And for years, people have been thinking I'm a gamer. Sure. Because I like smoking a reefer and kick him back. Sure. But I thought that that would just shock me to death. That's anxiety. I see how much people argue.

Yeah. Where I would go to get drugs for a long time. It was just a lot. Gamers get into the yell and then each other on the headset. Yeah, fuck you, but you're fucking crazy. You're fucking piece of shit. I'm like, you know what? This is the last shit I need raising my friends.

fucking blood pressure. You know, I'm telling you what, stay away. If that's, I'm telling you right now, stay away from games like Call of Duty and John Madden

because those are the ones that bring out the crazy in you, okay? Do shit like this where you don't even have to the CIA says. Yeah. A game like Mafia 3, you don't even have to play with anybody.

It's like you, it's like escapism. You just fucking put this on. You can even put on some headphones, man, and you just, you just enter this world. You don't talk to anybody.

You're just sitting there. It's great. Now, yeah, like, I'm telling you, dude, it's a lot, they get better and better. You know, can I plug something real quick? A buddy of mine named Tom Bissell is a fantastic, this guy covered the Iraqi war, all that shit for like the New Yorker, Harper's. He's a legit writer. And he wrote an amazing book called Extra Lives, Why Video Games Matter. And he talks about how video games just been a constant throughout his life.

And he talks about, like, how he played Grand Theft Auto and it even gave him a real life Coke addiction. playing the game it's a fascinating book it's called extra lives why video games matter by tom bistle it's a it's it's a it's bad dude he's amazing i don't know if i could sit there at night playing video games and one night just going hmm right let me try this let me try this i'm in the mood to do a line of fucking right i would have a living heart attack right if i did a line of coke and play and play the game and had a focus on the game that is a fucked imagine up Tom's a bad motherfucker. I never thought of that shit. Yeah, he's a bad

that book's a but Tom's a bad motherfucker. And he writes him now for living and I'll tell you this story real quick. He said, you'll love this. You'll love this. He was at Comic-Con talking about a game once, right? And I hope I don't even know if I can tell this story, but I'll change everything. So he had

written a game in a series, a popular series of video games. And this game took place before the main series. And there was a weapon in the game, right? and that was common throughout the series and he's taking questions at Comic-Con and this nerd goes, pardon me,

but that is completely impossible for that photon laser to have been in that game because if this game takes place 55 years before the events of the first game, that photon laser wouldn't have been invented like he gets angry. Tom just went into the microphone

and he goes, you know none of this shit is real, right? He thought it would kill. He thought he was going to do. They bombed. They were mad. They were like, fuck you. It's not.

real. He thought he was going to, he thought, oh, this will be a funny line. This will kill the room. And they were just like, fuck this guy. This is real. That photon laser should not be in that video game. Oh, man.

You can't fuck with nerds, guys. Dude, nerds can't do it. You know, oh, it's amazing. You know, you talk about cocaine. Have you ever read Stephen King? Yeah. The misery. Did you ever read misery?

I read like six or seven of his books. when I was locked up. Yeah? That's why I got hooked on Stephen King. Do you know, misery, he said it just recently. He said misery's cocaine.

Please. He goes, The book, Misery, the, Kathy Bates character, that's Coke. That's Coke.

It's your biggest fan. It's your best friend, but the minute you try to turn your back on it, it fucking kills you. Like, it was amazing. Like, he said,

that book is, that book is 100% about cocaine. But I always think of it, too, as Kathy Bates and Misery are like all these nerds now, who just bitch about every little thing. I have Dr.

strange would never you know like all this shit i love it i look i just want to see him i just want to i wish i wish i knew about it so i could go down there and argue with him yeah yeah i know i know he's not but how funny is that he just goes to the mic and he goes you guys know none of the shit is real i would love to like know about a game and just get a break ball up like just Tell him that fucking Nintendo brothers is better. Fuck you punk-cock suckers. You know,

how can you say that? You fat man. We can get you a headset for the PlayStation and you can just start trolling people. To start trolling people, man. There's a guy who does that. I forgot his name. But he goes on,

wait a second. What are you doing? This dude, he'll play Call of Duty. I forgot. If you're listening, I'm sorry for not giving you credit. I forgot your name.

But he'll go and call the, you know, you have voice chats. Like all 18 people in the gamer, you can, I'll talk to each other. So you join the game with other people playing? Oh, he's playing.

You don't know these people? No, no, no, you just start playing. You play against strangers? It's like, it's like the arcade. Remember you play, like someone to walk up next to you? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, that's how it was. I don't want to play with you.

You don't want to play a break. Yeah, this is my fucking game. This dude fucks with people. He'll be like, hey, what y'all doing? What are you playing? Are you playing that game? Okay, you know what I can play again? I'm going to suck that dick, too.

And they're like, what? And he's like, now I'm going over there And I'm going to suck your dick And they're like, fuck you, you're not going to suck my And he puts it on YouTube It's fucking hilarious, this guy It's the funniest thing All these fucking nerds are starting

yelling at him like fucking some of them get it They start laughing But the other ones are like What you fuck? He's like, I'm going to go Yeah, no no, let's go over here Now this is the flags over here Okay, get that flag

And I'm going to suck that dick I'm like, what? I wish they get so fine up Oh, bro. Especially the industry that Comic-Con has become. And I'm like, oh, my God. Unbelievable. I've had people call me with the dumbest ideas that I would never in my life,

sit in a booth with a jersey on and talk about the longest year. I would be so fucking embarrassed. Right, right. That's the, you know what? What's cool about Comic-Con if you're in a movie now, right? And you get to go up like a rock star, talk about the new movie. But then you see the people who were like, the guy was in one of, episode of Buck Rogers back at

1979, you know what I mean? And he's sitting there in the costume, signing autographs, yeah. I wouldn't mind going to on Comic Con from 1960 to 1975. When it was from low-key. The TV when I came from Cuba, maybe the guy that was on the Green Hornet, maybe the guy

from room 222, maybe the guy from, you know, the Walton's, maybe. That's a badass, dude. One of the guys from the riflemen, maybe. Dude, that would have been badass. You got to meet Chuck Conners back then? How sick would that be? know, maybe somebody from the Jeffersons. Yeah. And they sit in the booth and take pictures and you can ask them questions.

I think it's when they mix too much stuff. I don't care how many days it is. Yeah. They just overwhelm me. It's very, well, I even have an anxiety attack. You know me, I love going. And it gets, it gets, here's how, and this is a true story, here's how packed Comic Con gets.

There was, and how just it's, have you been to the other ones across the country or just just mainly San Diego? Because that's the bit. I mean, but when I was there one year and I was able to get in to, to the Hall H. And Hall H is where they screen all the movies, right? Where they show the previews for Avengers before anybody sees it, that kind of shit. And they have all the Avengers come out, all the X-Men come out up on stage. And so I'm there.

Yes. Yeah. When the X-Men come on on the stage. Oh, I'm always my fucking mind. I lose my mind. Do you really? Oh, God, yeah. How old are we now?

I'm in my late 30s and I was like, jumping up and down like an idiot. I loved it. Like the Beatles. Fuck, yeah. Might's well have been Shea Stadium. Absolutely. It was, it might well been the Cowboys winning a Super Bowl.

I was going. I got to deal with, ladies and gentlemen, one guy, I don't know, the other guy went to college for four years. He wants to go see Pugs this weekend. Four years of college. He wants to go see Pugs. I didn't go to college and I want to go see Robert Downey Jr. dressed up like Iron Man.

But so we go in and I see this guy. And, you know, the people that go in the costumes, right, to do the cosplay, where they'll dress up like Spider-Man, all this shit. This guy was a dead on Hugh Jackman from Wolverine. He had the, it was insane. he had the makeup, the hair, everything, and he was cut. And he was, and he was like a tall, he was a, he just looked just like him. And I was like, holy shit, I wanted to go tell him.

Like, dude, that, you, that's an amazing costume. And then I go into that hall, Hugh Jackman comes out and he goes, yeah, kind of had a laugh. I went around a couple hours earlier today, dressed up as Wolverine, nobody said anything. Like, that's how crazy it is. Like, he goes, one person, I was like, eh, you look a little short. That's all they said. That was it. That was him.

He was just walking around and he could, he went in. nobody even bugged him like Hugh Jackman dressed as everybody's favorite character walking around and that's how crazy it is you don't even have time to really go is that guy standing next to me really Hugh Jackner's like hey fuck it let's just like it's crazy it's it's crazy but i mean i love that shit dude it's fun man I love it this vampire is done oh there's everything then they have all the strippers dressed up like Jessica rabbit handing out the two for one passes for the strip clubs and all that stuff yeah they do they have all them out they have all those people then you have with the Jesus people who are like repent now,

you're going to hell, you're worshiping false idols, all that kind of stuff. They have the protesters. It gets crazy. Joe would be on their side. It's crazy now. I'm going to hang on with protesters. I want to you know me.

I'm in the mood to get hit in the head for people to hate me. I got enough problems. I got foul. That's what I want to do. Go down there. Go out and protest. You know, fuck fair trade. Listen, I don't make,

I don't know. What are you going to do? We got to figure out a way to do this. We got to get you in a Comic-Con. I'll sit you down for like a weekend and make you an instant expert on like one video games that you can talk shit to all the nerds. I'll do it. That would be the best.

Oh, fuck. That would be so funny. That would be great. I wouldn't even know where to start to lingo or jingo. You know, I wouldn't know where the fuck to start. I've seen these things for years. They've been around since I was shoplifting at Toys R Us. I used to look at this shit and go, what the, that's the truth, Ruth.

Ruth. Hey, you know what's amazing too? You think about it. Like, oh my God. Like, how much worse games were back then than they are now, like visually and all that, but they were still 50 bucks. It's, that's almost never changed. They never stopped getting paid. Yeah, those guys.

Okay, so Tom writes in his book that he went to, he went to go interview the creator of a popular franchise, right? And had a little office up in Silicon Valley, right? He goes up there, he pulls in, and the office is all the people who work. And this is from the top of the company to the, bottom of the company that all work on this one video game he said every literally every car was a Lamborghini in the parking lot those dudes are making so much fucking money it is unbelievable literally every car was a fucking Lamborghini it would these guys are just ballers and that's I mean they make

I mean that that that that industry makes more than Hollywood it probably makes more than porn like it's crazy how much that and it's funny a lot of people like oh like you like I could never get into that it's not for me but there's even people now who have never played a single video game in their life except Madden and every year they're in line at midnight to go by the new Madden you know because or they go by the new NBA game or the other new call of duty they might not touch any other fucking video game but they're going to go by that one you know it's just it's so ingrained in in everything now it's fascinating like you just missed it by a couple of years dude had you been born like four

or five years later you would know everything about video games it's crazy if you think about it you would know every you would just it would be because you would have grown you would have started right when like you know Atari started taking over and all I mean it was it was crazy man like it was like that was just what we did you would go hang out with kids you didn't like just because they had a new game that you didn't have and you wanted to go play it like it was just that's how what that's it like it was like oh man we would go around and every kid in the neighborhood had a different game so I got to go hang out with Tommy today because he has Metroid and you know this kid over here is got you know and we just that was what we did I always had

bad luck with games. When I was a kid, I was loose to my mother in Part cheesy. I had to repair. I stuck a bean from, please don't spill the beans in my ear. I got to go to the hospital. I didn't have patience. You know what I got into? I got to shoot and pool.

I realized how crazy I got one day. Right. Is competitive you mean? Yeah, I got very competitive. Like a young age, and I said, I can't feel that way. Well, see, that's what I stopped. A game like this is no competition. It's all by yourself.

That's why you would love something like this. Or you could do something like this. So if you get crazy, then stay away from like the Madden games. Stay away from like the call. Because those are like the death match games, like Call of Duty, where it's like you and five other people against six other dudes and you're just shooting it. And they're all talking shit on the headsets.

And yeah, you know, that's what guy. That's where you're like, I fuck you. That's what that shit happens. Now, can you just play by yourself? Absolutely. That's what this one is. No, what about the call of duty? A couple of them have some on a single player campaign.

pains yeah but right now there's a game called overwatch and I'm playing the fuck out of and sadly that one is not you have to play with other people but it's the best like it's like crack that game I just all I do is play it every I wake up play for a little bit then write some jokes then come back and play like oh it's amazing like it's how many hours a day you play it for

yeah at least because I'll be up until about three in the morning you know playing for sure oh and I love it 20 hours a week plus oh no question it's like a job there it's I'm saying to you cuck sucker I love it why I knew. I knew that that was like I had a pick between all my vices.

Right. If I play games, ain't nobody gonna suck my little nuts. No, it happens. It'll happen. On the headsets. I want to call it a game to come all my house. You know, a dude, several people have gotten married playing that game, Warcraft. Like, it's just an online

Lord of the Rings type game, right? And this guy, they got married in the game, and then people end up getting married in real life from it. Like, it's crazy, dude. It's a culture in and of itself are video games. It's fascinating. I'm so happy that you're in one now.

This is great, dude. I'm going to play this and I'm going to hear you. Let's play after. Let's shut this down. We'll switch to show with a periscope. And we'll watch Jerry La Rocha play the game for a little while and teach me how to play the game before. I've never played this one, but I can, once you've played one, you can get them.

It's pretty good. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, all right. I want to thank Blue Apron. I want to thank Primal Fuel. I want to thank Hellotushy.com.

I want to thank my main motherfuckers over at on it.com. Always. Never forget on it. I love their supplements. I love Alpha brain. Alpha brain. The Shroom Tech Sport,

the Shroom Tech Immune. Always go over there and check out their monthly get 10% on. What do you put in there, Lee? You put church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Knock yourself out.

Have a great weekend. See you in Las Vegas or see you November 11th at the Wilber Theater or November 12th at the Foxwood's motherfucking casino. Stay black. Have a great weekend. See you on Monday. Thanks for having me, dude.

Jerry Rocha, love you. I can you find you. Just find me on Twitter at Rocha, R-C-H-A-C-C-C-R-C-C-C-M. Rocha Comedy. My website, Jerry Rocha-com. Lisa, have a great weekend, my little brother. Be safe. Thank you.

I miss you in Vegas. Have fun, buddy. You got you too. This show was brought to you by Blue Apron. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blue apron. com slash Joey. That's Blue Apron.com slash Joey. This show was brought to you by Primal Blueprint.

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