The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #426 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 1, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Joey's halloween run in with gentiles, his faith, and his experience with therapy.  This podcast is brought to you by: Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and get a $500 new driver bonus.   ZipRecruiter - post your job for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church    MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.  Recorded live on 10/31/2016.
  

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to save 15%. Show is also brought you by Onit.com. Oh, shit. It's that creepy motherfucking night, cock suckers. I really don't give a fuck. but I'm happy you guys are doing your thing it's Halloween bitches it's October 31st

2016 next time you see daylight you'll be seeing a Thanksgiving commercial with that motherfucker but it's nothing doesn't really matter because it's just another fucking day the church of what's happening now cocks sucking

we're coming at you oh shit RIP Michael Jackson They was probably one of his biggest pervert days. He just answered the dawn of bikini with a fucking Mickey Mouse helmet on his shit. The church who had's happened now, Coxuckers. How fucked up is that if you thought that he sat there and go,

when is the day I could really lure kids? Maybe Halloween. Maybe I write a song about fucking Halloween and shit and make it popular and do a video so fucking kids could come to my house and I could molest like 18 of them instead of one. That's a fucked up way.

I can't believe parents have to be careful. You have to be careful on Halloween. Like it's real careful. It was amazing today. Because I wasn't home all weekend. I went to Vegas, but I got home Sunday and I missed a trunk of a treat. Trunk of treats are a little safe haven.

Don't get me wrong. There's got to be perverts lurking somewhere. There's always one. Do I feel comfortable with her walking? You know, my wife talks to people, and she's very nice. But, you know, today was the worst. Today was obviously the worst.

because today I got a knock on the door at 5 o'clock. I open and this kid's trick-a-treat. I go, Mercy, you want to go? She goes, hey, let me go with the kids. It was like 20 kids. I go outside. There's maybe like five or six parents. They're walking their dogs.

You know, same shit. Everybody wants to be a movie star. One parent's drinking a margarita. They just can't for the other parents are dressed up. I got a cowboy hat on. I don't even have a host. I just got a fucking gun. And my wife forgot to put the bandan on me.

I don't even have a shirt. I wore this blue shirt, whatever the fuck. And I'm having a good time. I met one of the parents goes to Legacy, one of the dads. Oh, cool. He's like, hey, I remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We walked down the corner, and now they wanted to cross-Colfax.

What do you think we should do? Should we cross-cofax? Cars are zipping by. And I go, finally, you know, there's, here's a bunch of educated, fucking white people. You think they come up with a fucking plan with their 20 kids? They're like, what should we do? Should we cross Kofax? Meanwhile, cards are zipping by.

I got mercy by the fucking hand. Like, it's my fucking hand. I'm connected by Superglue. And I go, can I ask you guys a question? Why don't we just walk to the corner and make a fucking left and walk all the way to the park and then walk down. And after an hour of that, you're done. You're good to go.

There's no reason to cross the street to fucking Kofax. It's the same shit. Yeah, they're young. They don't need that much. You don't need that much. It's right on the side. You know, if I walk from my house to your light and back, You're good to go.

Trust me. Oh, yeah. It looks close, but it ain't fucking close. It's a walking half. But now, if we're walking in between those streets on houses, you got 20, you're going to hit 2,000 fucking houses. Oh, yeah. California kids must just clean up because that was a big thing where I grew up.

They had, like, big yards. Like, every yard, every house had, like, an acre or something. So, like, it was a big thing to get houses where I grew up here. It's every, like, what, quarter of an acre? It's, like, barely anything. So I go, let's just that. So we stay. Stay on it for a minute.

Austin, there's ladies, so it's going, now it's getting dark. Now it's just dark. And cars are coming up from everywhere. And they want to stay on the street where the cars are active. I'm trying to hit the side streets and cut down the driveways. You know those long, you know how every street here has a driveway that goes all the way down? You don't even need to hit the main streets. No.

In some streets, you could just hit from fucking driveway. Every street in North Hollywood has an alley. And they usually have them in Hollywood. All those streets have alleys. And if you really pay attention, you could probably go. from one avenue to the other one in those alleys. Oh, I do it all the time. It's eight miles an hour, but you got no fucking traffic

and nobody's cutting you off. You know what I'm saying? You're constantly moving. So I'm in those alleys and I'm walking and I'm popping up at the other street. We're not having any contact with cars, any contact with goofy people. Finally, a one lady raises in hand. She goes, listen, I'm talking to my friend. They're on the church

on Laurel Canyon. Let's walk over the... And me and my wife just looked at you know, like, it's dark out. And you motherfuckers ain't going to be happy till you walk across Koufax, are you with these kids? You're not going to be happy to you walk across with these fucking kids. Okay, I won't.

Me and my wife and daughter turned the other way. I thought Mercy was going to have a couch. She looked at those kids. She's like, fuck them then. Yeah, it's a lot of walking for them. Fuck those dummies. And we went and hiked for another hour. Me, Mercy, and my wife,

in fact, more kids tagged along with us. And we were on that side street because we were by the park. We were by the park. It's just fucking, it's just common sense. I got to tell you something, Lee. I'm at the point in my life where I always walked around thinking I was the stupid one. Like, I always walked around and listened to other people's opinions and listened to other people's ideas. And I would go, why are people doing that?

And for the last five or six or seven years, I've been questioned that. And I've been doing just fucking fine on my own. Do you know that? And it's like, I've come to the point that I wasn't as dumb as I fucking thought I was. For years, I thought I was really fucking dumb. And now I'm opening my eyes and I'm like there's so many fucking dumb people around me and it's not even dumb like Academic dumb. It's common sense dumb and it's people who You think would be mildly educated and have a half a fucking brain in the head they both have parents

They all went to college, but lately it's like I'm losing faith like I can't believe that there's this many dumb Unsmart street people walking around our fucking earth right now now or maybe it's just this area. I've never seen anything like this. I see it at the airport. I see it just in daily routines. We're victims of habit, but if something

happens, you get alerted to that habit and you heighten it and now you pay more attention. People do not give a fuck. That's why people continue to get blown up. It's just so weird. You know, when I see hit and run things late at night, I start thinking.

anymore like that lady who got hit in a fucking wheelchair you know the guy should have stayed and go listen i hit her but who's out on burbank boulevard with a fucking wheelchair three in the morning i didn't even hear about this yeah about three weeks ago they were looking for a white van oh jesus christ oh was it the bigger the big one on like the not the wheelchair but like the scooter yeah like a scooter oh yeah she's always around she's always around at 3 15 in the morning she's bound to get ahead eventually don't she have friends to tell her but anyway not to get away from my fucking situation here. I'm just thinking of myself for years.

I always thought I was a dumb run in the room. And ever since I've opened up my mouth, I've realized that I wasn't that fucking dumb. I had to make a big decision last week. I had to make the decision that involved more help. But for a month, all I kept thinking about was what I was getting for my money compared to the money that I was paying out.

And I'm not getting money. I'm $4,000 off from what they wanted for what they supply me and I'm starting to feel guilty that I'm not using them But I can't while I have a daughter I cannot use these people But their explanation was to me that everybody That wants to get to certain levels have to use these people and I don't see it I've never seen it for me right now at this point what's going on in our business right now When you sign with a manager, it's basically to have somebody answer your phone calls and call you and go, this is what's going on. And I really don't want that.

Yeah, it seems like stuff will get a lot, like misinterpreted it. I don't want an answer machine. I can't pay you to be an answer machine. I can pay you to do work. Right. I'll always pay you to do work. But you don't need an answer machine. But I'll pay you what you're worth.

I'm not going to overpay you for what you're supplying me. I can't overpay you when you're taking a message from somebody and somebody else is doing the work. Right. That's understandable. I just can't do that. I can't do that. I don't want to sign with a manager unless I really need one or unless a guy is getting me auditions every day. And I'm working every day.

Then I don't mind giving them a piece of the package. But I just can't give you a piece of the package for relaying messages to me. you know what I do all the stuff myself and I like staying on top of it I really enjoy staying on top that keeps me shut Do you think you need one? Like I know you said people will say that But I think a lot of that is just even not even the status I'm sure all people say well there's status with having a manager But there's just people just do what everyone else does it's I think that's what a lot of everything is You know when you look at these IMDBs these people are publicists and lawyers and And staff and

Listen bro, that costs a lot of fucking dough It's cool to have So when people look at you They go, but you know what? That cost at the end of the year Those publicists Are basically the biggest rip-offs In the world

Yeah, it's like thousands of A publicist If you're thinking about getting a publicist Or you ever wondered what a publicist does Let me tell you what they do They do nothing They do absolutely nothing It's like giving

It's like taking a dollar bill and lighten it on fire. And you can't believe that these people have offices because there's a little job. And it's called like the Tonight Show and premieres and shit like that. And these people schedule like your cars. These people schedule like your radio interviews. Like, you know, they'll call these stations. And they do, some of them do a great job of it. Some of them have access to everybody.

I don't mind paying you the dough. But I want you to call Howard Stern right now and home and telling him he needs to have me on the radio station tomorrow at 10 to 9. If you can't do that, you're not worth your waiting, go. So you want the best. Yeah, you always want the best. But none of them could do that. When I go on your Twitter page as a publicist and you have 10,000 people, I can't pay you any fucking money. But they pop up every three weeks in Hollywood, I get a request from a different publicist.

And sometimes I fuck with them. I ask them how much they are. You would not believe what the numbers are. 6,000, 5,000. A month? A month. And you sit there and giggle because there's nothing they can do for you in this economy. What are they going to do?

Get me on three more radio stations. What are they going to do? Get me on a cover of a magazine. Look at my face. What are they going to do? I'm not going to do nothing. Most people use a publicist. Let's say, if you're a publicist.

You're, let's say if you want to be on TMZ, right? I could call a publicist right now and say, listen, go to Jerry's Deli. Call Jerry's Deli and tell them Jodias wants to make a reservation. And they'll have TMZ there. So when I get there, TMZ will be there. And I act surprise. It's crazy, though, because that's what publicists do. For people at home, that's what the new thing that they do out here is.

Some people want to be on TMZ so they hire a publicist. And they'll go, listen, I'm going to go down. fucking uh the comedy store like they're always at the improv tmz yeah the cameraman and if you want to see him you can see him if you don't you slip out the side door i don't say him i never see him i don't want to see tmz they're not they're not they're not nice people they're not the nicest people in the world really they're not no no not at all they'll start a conversation with you on a nice edge it takes a certain person to be those people they start a conversation with you on a nice tone then they push the envelope a little bit.

Like, try to be cute, and it's a cute I don't like, and you end up hitting them in the head with the camera. Now you do 10 years of time. So I just don't even like talking to any of them. So, yeah, you just avoid... I just avoid them like the plague. But don't you think, like, the high A-list level celebrities, if they wanted to get on Stern, could just call themselves?

No, well, well, let's say Clooney. Clooney could fucking do whatever the fuck he wants. Right. But there's some A-list is that, I don't know. Maybe they want to get exposed for a movie, like a movie's coming on on Friday, so they want TMZ to see him somewhere. You know, there's a thousand different scams what they do. None of them which interests me. That's the problem.

Right. None of them which interests me. When I did grudge mats, they fucking made me hire a publicist. It was like throwing away my money. I fired that bitch New Year's Day, that hook face bitch. Oh, Jesus. She was one of the ugliest one. She was a creepiest fucking bro that I ever worked with in my life.

And she had gotten married, and her wedding pictures were on Facebook, and she made a husband dressed in white, and he was no better looking than her. And they were all holding hands with a bunch of ugly friends dancing around a circle on Hawaii barefoot. And they're all Jews, but they're the ugliest Jews. Like, these are the Jews that, I don't know what happened to them. I feel like you look at this stuff as you're signing the checks just to piss you off. What do you mean?

Like you look at the pictures on Facebook. You look at, like, the stuff. No, no. Before I checked her out, I had to look at her Facebook. And there she is dressed in white. She probably sucked 80 dicks And there she is dressed in white in Hawaii She talked this poor sap

Into marrying her in fucking Hawaii In the sand Meanwhile some fucking dirty white kid from Rockin'Connie's been fucking Fucking her in the ass for the last eight years She talked this fucking ugly dude To marry her and all her ugly friends And they're in fucking Hawaii You know holding hands spinning around in a circle

Like somebody gives a fuck You know What was I thinking And use that I don't listen to them. Usually when people say, I can't, but I thought the people at Grudge Match were very nice, and they weren't lying to me.

I thought the request were going to come in for something. I didn't fucking know. No request came in for nothing. I said, she goes, what do you want to do? I go, I'd like to go to the Premier and take my seventh grade fucking teacher. She goes, I don't know if that'll fucking happen. She goes, and if it does happen, I'll have to, you have to pay for your hotel and airwear, airfare.

So what did I do? I hit fucking Peter's. Siegel up on an email and he took care of everything for me. Yeah. So he paid for a plane ticket. I upgraded it to first class, I think. It didn't really fucking matter. At least he made an effort. I got a hotel myself for two nights and they paid for two nights or some shit. And I went to see Grudge Match with my seven grade teacher and one of my friends. No big fucking deal. All right? And I fired her right. I was fucking furious after that because she didn't call me and asked me how it went or nothing. So she always, she always,

always said to find me you gotta find me on the first i launched her new year's day at 6.01 in the fucking morning she called me at home yelling and scream and i can't believe you opened up my new year with this bad news listen bitch when i fucking got the plane ticket and the fucking hotel room for free you were doomed you were doomed you were doomed you just fucking saved me you you you're gonna cost me fucking a thousand bucks how can i pay you ever again i don't even want you around me you're just a lazy sack of shit you didn't call nobody they don't want to burn somebody's things you got to go listen this kid was in the trailer correct yes he was okay we need this plane ticket in the hotel room we're not asking for much based plane ticket no biggie

five six you know what I'm saying just make it up right run with them as they're doing it they got the money it's paramount they got the money oh yeah they always got the fucking money you just got to work him a little bit that would be a real shame would be a real shame if a kid you put in the trailer you can at least give him a plane ticket that that was that easy i said mr seagull i just got to ask you something it's that time of the year the movie gets released christmas day it's December 18th the plane tickets are like 700 bucks i want to know what the movie is like there and you don't have to be embarrassed you got to come to you we put you in the trailer boom i got a plane ticket in a fucking hotel for asking so she didn't

Masley. She didn't ask. She just called me and said, no, they're just willing to give you passes. No, they're not. You never called. You fucking hook face, bitch. Jesus.

And that's a job that she had. That's weird that that exists. Because that seems like something an agent could do or like you were saying a manager. And today, all you need to do is go on your fucking Twitter and look that person up and hit him direct. All you need to do now to get ready, like in the old days, you would hire a publicist.

Like I was taking a hiring my friend. Okay. I've hired it twice and both times. I haven't talked to her for 90 days after that because she's that bad. She's that fucking stupid and retarded. And for some reason, I called her up. I know she needs dough and I went to PayPal

and I go, hey, I'm going to send you 50 bucks to see if my PayPal works. Even Fait fucked to her email. I go, that's FATE. Fuck. I never called it back. When FATE fucks you in the ass, I can't call you back. No. The email specifically to her didn't fucking work. That's fucked up. It wouldn't even take

50 fucking bucks at PayPal. So I knew wasn't met in the cards. I didn't call because I was on a hire her for Boston and Connecticut to see if she can help us with a newspaper article or print for for Foxwood since it's the night of 9-11 and I go you know what the last two times I wanted a choker and I paid her because I love her and I don't want to disrespect her but I can't do it because there's always a story and I'm not in the move for stories anymore and the PayPal said no but PayPal was like don't send her money don't do it don't do it It must be weird hiring people and having that, like that responsibility.

Because, yeah, I can see opening the year losing a gig is going to suck, but that's not your responsibility. You can't pay someone just to be nice? No, I have a fucking three-year-old dog. Those days are gone now. Those days are gone. At least I can't do it no more. I can't do it. I used to, like, help people out and stuff.

And then people don't give a fuck. I can't do it. It's just, every time I've had a bit. manager in this town except Jeff Gettlin it's been a disaster it's ended bad and at the end it just cost me fucking money they make out because they got paid they always make out I fired them big deal I paid them for five months during my hottest movie or whatever and you're the one left with like the bad taste in your mouth yeah because it cost me fucking money it was a mistake that cost you paper is a mistake you never forget and then you do it again and it was it was

Wasn't that this guy is not a great manager, is that for right now what's going on in my life, there's not much going on for him to do. The contract goes through CIA. He's going to get it at the end, look at it and go, okay. He didn't call the club. He didn't do nothing. Right. So, yeah, that's an unnecessary. That's a necessary thing.

Unless now, he's got huge television contacts. Listen, dog, there's a new show on CBS about New Jersey. I know they need a garbage man. Boom, let me call the fucking executive producer. I went to lunch of him last week. I'll take him out to lunch. We'll get a writer to write you in a part, something. Once a week.

Even once a week, he's worth it. Okay, he's getting me this. He's getting me that. I haven't done a movie in four or five fucking years late, four fucking years. 2013, right? I did Grudge match. Yeah, wow. Three years.

Three fucking years, you know. So if you're going to be my manager right now, my club work, my comedy, shit. taken care. I need everything else attacked. My county's taken care. I just can't give you Getus because you look at a contract and say, oh man,

that's a great deal they're giving you. And it's not worth it to say, oh, I have this manager or that manager. No, unless there, no, no, no, no. Or any manager. No, no, no. I got a call from my agent. I'm going to be in Boston.

I love my agent, but I don't want them in Boston. And I've told them this 10 times. I don't want you around, though. I don't want nobody around. I don't want nobody around You know I want to zip in and out of a place I don't want to eat dinner before the fucking thing

I don't want to eat dinner before the show So you I don't I want to be more myself for three four hours before the fucking show I'm pretty happy by going to the gym And coming upstairs and I'm very happy by doing that I could eat a sandwich upstairs I eat light you know But I don't want to talk to nobody before a fucking show

You know it's just the way it is What are we going to talk about? I got to go to dinner with you for an hour And then I got to talk to other people on stage where the people that matters. They're the people that matters. The people that are paying that come to the fucking show

are the ones that deserve my focus and my conversation. Not some agent or a friend of mine that I got to go to dinner with before the fucking show or talk to two hours before the show. I don't want to talk to nobody. You see me in the green room.

We sit back there, we smoke a junk. We don't say much. No. It's just me and you. That's it. When you come to Austin, no. I don't even want the TV. I don't want nothing.

I don't want no movement. I don't want no movement. around me. I just want to relax. I ask you simple questions. You give me simple answers and you do the same. I.E., what's the color of the sky today? Blue, that type of shit. Anything about anything, anything out of that? I don't want to really fucking, there's nothing to really talk about. I don't want people around because after the show, after two shows, what I want you around for? To talk to me about what? To ask me more fucking dumb questions? I just did. two fucking shows. Is it weird? Because it's... Yes, it's weird.

That's work for you. Like, that's like your work week. Yes. I don't want nobody to fuck around. I don't want nobody to fuck around. You and I, we do this. You have an understanding. You're a fan of comedy.

You'll walk around. I'll stay back there by myself. I don't want to answer no question to talk to nobody or be involved in a fucking station. I want to be involved in a comedy. I want to be involved in a comedy. conversation four minutes before I go on stage four minutes five minutes before I go on stage as I'm going to the stage I want to bump into you briefly and converse for you

for two fucking seconds and hopefully you have like a pair of a turbanon or a pair of shoes that fucking bother me so I can say something to you to your face get aggravated enough to walk up to the stage and now I have a purpose do you love confronting people like that like I hate you like if you know them I guess sure if I know them I'll say really you're like wear this shit tonight I'm doing a show and then they'll know they'll know what's going on people like Rogan Ari Duncan know I got to get fired up before I go on stage I don't want to pick a fight with you but I want to ask you what the fuck is going on with your head that you got to wear those fucking that t-shirt or that fucking dumb look on your fucking face

or whatever the fuck is going on I need that I need to get sparked you know I need to get like put ranch dressing and walk into my room you know and And what is that? You can feel it when you go on stage? Like you have more energy? Yeah. I just need five minutes of somebody aggravating me. I don't want an hour aggravating me.

I just bringing me down. Okay. So you'll start it. Like you'll initiate the competition. Then okay. Yeah. No, no,

no. You'll initiate it by wearing something or saying something fucking stupid. Two minutes before I got to go on stage. Not you personally. Where the fuck wants to come, you know? Oh, okay. I thought it was me.

I was like, Sometimes you've got to do a bong hit mid mid podcast. It's a Halloween podcast, you know what I'm saying? Smells like Snickers. I didn't eat a lot of chocolate. No, I love Snickers. I think I ate one piece. I had licorice.

She gave me a stick of licorice last night. Mercy's cheap with the fucking candy. You know, it's not like she's going to give you a bunch of she's got her eye on it. She gave me some goldfish when she took them back. She had two of them slobbered them up and tried to give me slobby fucking goofish. I don't need this shit. Gofish covered in the flu. What about tonight when you go home?

Like, my brother and I always used to hide our candy. Oh, yeah, she's got the bucket. I just saw it when I went back to pick up that stuff. She's got buckets everywhere, that shit. She's got two buckets of candy. Yeah. And that must be the best part about being a parent. As I was leaving this evening, she was sitting on the chair

and she had already eaten a bag of Eminem peanuts or something. And chocolate was dripping down her face and over here. And she was chewing on something. And she was just about to open. up another bag and my wife grabbed and go one more bag than we put the rest of the candy away till tomorrow she was cool with it yeah he was cool with it that's it i'm happy for it she had a good little Halloween she had three nights a fucking trick-or-treating damn and she had to ask she had trunk a treat one night at the church or one night at the fucking school who the fuck knows lee i don't

i don't you know it's it's i'm baffled by all this i'm still blown away that i'm a parent Never mind doing comedy, never mind doing a fucking podcast. I walked around with a face. She looked like a cowgirl with a hat. I'm looking at her walking with 18 other kids in the middle. And every time she bumped into a kid, a hat fell off. She had to stop and pick up the fucking hat. She didn't give a fuck.

She put the hat right back on her head. So I'm learning from her, I think, as much as she's learning from me. I'm learning about myself from her as much as fucking she's learning about me, I guess. So it's a pretty interesting part of my. my life, you know? I know you were nervous about having mercy later, like being a little later, I guess, they usually do. But it must be, and not even just with you, but it must be so cool for kids to have, like, parents who actually have, like, actual life experience. Because, like, I can't, there were kids, my age who have 10-year-old kids, and that's great. But what,

what if I had been teaching someone for the last 10 years? That would have been terrible. So I'm having a really good time. You know, she's three and a half and it's great. I'm happy for her. She goes to school four days a week. You know, she's got the fucking activities. But I think about the other side of that. I think about, like, I'm having a good time with her.

I've never had this before in my life. You know, I've never had this calm, this, you know, a couple weeks ago. I had to clear my schedule for. And I got to tell you, I was angry for 18 seconds. And I understood where 10 years ago I would have been angry for an hour. And then I would have came to terms that eventually she would have warmed my heart. This time, I was okay with it. For 18 seconds, I go, wow, damn, I can't do that.

Fuck it. This is what it is, you know. I've accepted those little things. You know, I'm still ashamed of a lot of people. that don't understand my situation. In what way don't they understand it? I have a schedule. I don't break it for nobody.

I have a schedule, and I know what I want to do every week. And sorry, this is what I want to do. I have this type of time to fuck around. Tomorrow I got Jiu-Jitsu. I got something at 3.30, and I got something from 4 to 5-15. I'm going down to do a spot. And I'm going to meet Shane. And we're going to taco and talk about pitching and shit like this.

You know, like not baseball pitching, but pitching this fucking stupid thing. We're trying to write. And that's what I want to do, you know. Wednesday, I, listen, I ain't going to Hollywood Wednesday day. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to drill class. I'm going to jihitsu. And I'm going to fucking whatever.

Thursday, I might go to Hollywood in the daytime and take care of a few things. Thursday, I got a spot at the store. Friday, I'm not going up over that. at fucking Hill. Saturday, I haven't decided yet. My baby said, and let my wife go to a movie at night or something just to get her out of the house.

She's been in the fucking house for the last three weekends. You know, that weekend I came in that I was supposed to watch the baby and she was sick. So she didn't like that. She didn't get to do anything. She had been home for six fucking weeks.

So maybe, I was just thinking I'm maybe staying home one night this week, letting them go to the movies, go get coffee, whatever the fuck she wants to do. You have to give them a breakthrough. They can't just sit in that goddamn I'm just trying to lose my... That's the only thing that's bothering me right now in my life.

My location situation, I don't know if this is why I want to stay yet. There's a lot of variables in my life, but I can't stand these fucking people there. The joke is becoming a reality. Every day I hate one more person. They drive me crassily. And the good Lord knows I try. Do you think if you...

didn't have a kid. You maybe wouldn't care as much. You'd just stay out here because it's work. No, if I didn't have a kid right now, I don't know. But the still, the thing is, everything still applies with me.

Like, I still don't think I could do a winter in the East Coast. I think you, I think after a couple weeks you get used to it. It's terrible, but it's not that bad. And trust me, I hate snow. But the only issue for you, I guess, would be the traveling.

And that's a huge issue is that you need to get out every week. But for me, I don't think it'd be that much of an issue. Unless you just flew March till fucking October and told everybody to suck your dick, work locally two weeks a month. That's the other option. November, you work in Jersey, December, you work in New York. And January and February, you work in Long Island in Boston. Yeah, you could do that.

Work the Amtrak schedule. Yeah, the Amtrakitoria. And then March to start going back on planes and shit. So you could, that's one, that's, that's a great plan. I never thought about it that way. Yeah, it can work. It's, uh, I'm nowhere near ever, like having kids. Like, that's not in my future right now.

But I see what you're saying. Always remember, Millie. Nothing's ever in your future. Right. That's true. Nothing's ever in your future. Nobody fucking goes home. goes tonight we're going to make a kid

and by next year you know nobody does that a kid always comes surprised I mean really you think it's mostly a surprise well no some people you know there's some women who whatever aviolate whatever to ovulate and they got to get dick that fucking night like a werewolf or whatever I thought most people did it like that

I have no idea I just always assume people some people do it and all of some people knock up pregnant and you know the next thing you know you gotta you gotta adjust your life in nine months or to think what you have to adjust your life for life to be like and it's really no major big fucking deal you wait you wait you wait you wait it's so funny i always reference a movie that i saw that's the thief there's a scene with james conan

tuesday weld in a diner and he tells her about this thing that happens to him in prison and what's supposed to happen and what he did and what happens and he goes you know what nothing happened for all this time I stressed out this situation that something was going to happen and at the end nothing happened and it's the same thing with anything in life you just pick it up and run with it and you learn as you go along but if you sit there and look at it from an outsider's eye and start reading books on it you're going to get all caught up and bullshit oh yeah and that's what i didn't like like a lot i think parenting comes down to a lot of common sense i think a lot of shit comes down to a lot of common sense there's things I see that I can't believe

but I'm not smart and I'm the only person who sees that Right so you think you're not the smart one And you see it so why don't these smart people see it Well these fucking people who are supposed to walk around Acting fucking smart With their little fucking hats and their little fucking dogs and shit Make them believe like they know something about life

Why are they acting this way The fact that they wanted to walk across And Lee, at 6.30, it's busy by Hollywood High. Oh, yeah. Lee, it's fucking busy over there. And those people were driving past at Kofax. And I'm sitting there going, why is my daughter walking towards Kofax? And I even tried to turn him down the alley.

And they kept going to fucking Kofax. Then the dad got into the middle of the street, like to stop traffic. And cars were still whizzing back him. Fuck you. I'm going to stop for a random guy. Oh, I hate when people do that Well, it is exactly what happened Yeah, they think they're a crossing guard

Yeah, next thing you know He's like, kids come and all seeing Your kid gets whacked by a fucking car Fuck you I couldn't fucking believe I'm like Terry, what's going on there? I go no, no, no, excuse me Why don't we walk down to the corner

And make a left And then walk around And they're like, oh my God, that doesn't sound bad I go look at those first three houses The people on the porch is waiting for kids And you guys want to cross the street And to me, to me, Like, I can understand where it's like, okay, well, there's the crosswalk.

It'd be okay. But every other day, like, today in Van Nuys there was a police chase. And, like, there's always crazy shit going on and, like, why take the chance? You won't stop with nobody either. All right. I thought I was fucking going crazy yet. Oh, no. Dude, I wouldn't go out before Paula.

I wouldn't leave my house on Saturdays and Sundays and go to, like, at all. But especially to Ventura Boulevard. Like I it makes me so uncomfortable Like when I We're going back to Boston I was single for a long time in Boston I used to hate going out Friday and Saturday nights Because it's when all the drunk people

All like the people who go And all that like all that stuff Which is great is fine They're young and having fun I did it a couple times But I'm not that kind of person And then those are the kind of people Who bump into you

Who walk into you because they're looking at their phone And I just avoided it but you can't live in your house the whole your whole life so it's a struggle it's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how i keep them going under no i i just uh and i think those people are everywhere now like i don't think like let's say you move somewhere unless you like live with family or certain people like they're like i think those people are just i think everywhere's the same now i think that's what i'll tell you what i've seen last weekend i'm still baffled and we talked about it.

Rogan and I talked about it for 30 minutes before the podcast started. And then we didn't talk about it anymore. During the podcast, we talked on it. And I was really starting to think about it. Okay, so I'm doing an MMA junkie. Okay. I want to thank those guys, George and his brother ghost for putting me on Friday morning to promote my show in Vegas.

Stich Duran was on. I had a great time. But while I'm sitting there, we're talking about the, they're moving the Raiders to Las Vegas. Ooh. Okay, and he goes, I go, so where's the stadium? He goes, basically right across the street. And I go, so wait a second, they're going to put that fucking stadium in the middle of all this. So it's near the strip?

Yeah. That's going to be, there's going to be a lot of people dying there. I, I, so I'm thinking to myself, listen, I watched the Raiders when they were fucking nasty in the 70s with Matoosec. I like watching all that sickness. and then big John Madden was the coach. I still remember that being a fucking kid, you know? And then the guy hit the guy on Monday night and crippled him, I think. I think it was a Monday night football game.

You know, Lester and Molester. I loved all that shit. But it became something else. Again, I don't mind watching a football game. But when me and Lee go to 7-Eleven, and there's a guy in there with a raider tattoo all over his fucking head and his neck. You know, I mean, I don't know, Lee.

I don't know. So, like the Raiders is another aspect to it. I'm just saying having an NFL stadium right next to the strip with all that alcohol, all those people and two teams, one team lost. That's not going to be good. The Raiders, I've only heard about it. Like when I was just watching football, they were good.

Like Rich Gannon, I think they won a Super Bowl around when I started like paying attention to football. But I've only heard about like the craziness. that goes on there. Have you been to a game there? No. No. No, no, no. But I know what happens at these games now. And every week I'm wake up and I see a video or they talk about the news about an argument at a football games. These Rams games. You know, I told fucking Bert Christ, I can't believe you got season tickets and you bring your wife down there. You know, what if there's somebody fucking hits your head, your wife in the head with a fucking bottle because you want to go to a stupid fucking football game?

my friends got season tickets he always asked me do I want to go down there I just don't want to go to a game and get hit in the head because I'm there trying to enjoy a fucking game I don't think they're smart anymore you know you say you went to a game and you got up to get hot dogs

and the guys are talking to your girlfriend and you know and it's just I'm not in the move for all that shit anymore in my life I don't I didn't see that in Boston I'm sure it exists somewhere I think maybe

it's just the bleachers. I think maybe it's just worth it to pay to sit in the nicer places sometimes. But even then, what are you going to do on the way out? Like, it's the place now where Rams are and the place where they're going are not fun places to be. But they're gentrifying it, and Englewood. Eventually. And it's going to be next to the forum, correct?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's not gentrified right now. And neither is the USC area. Yeah, but let me ask you this. When is the proposed opening for this stadium? I think it's like in two or three years, but let me check. Okay, in two or three years, they're going to have more fucking, they're going to have bed, bad, and beyond now that. When you want to chase black people out of your name, but you don't call the Ku Klux Klan.

You put a bed, bad than beyond in that fucking name, but nothing scares black people more than bed, bad than beyond. They read that word beyond and that fucks with black people. That word beyond, they don't like that shit. Beyond say, I'm on. Beyond, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. That's all, that's what's going to happen. Guarantee.

You want to scare the fuck out of white, black people, bed back and beyond. Not subway. Those other Firestone station, that's firebread fucking bread. You'll go in there. I went there on to, no, no. You don't even need to go in there. You can tell. It's a chain that's making sandwiches.

They're going to cut edges and give you shitty cold cuts. They tell you the co-cuts are garbage. And the bread's garbage. The whole thing about these sandwiches anymore is the bread is garbage. This is my problem. The Firestone one is apparently they steam it. And the owner was there. He was nice, but he was like, hey, man, he probably shouldn't take that to go because we steam it.

So by the time, it's going to get all soggy. I was like, fuck you. I'm like, that's what you do with the sandwich. I want my sandwich steam. Like, I want my balls licked by a fucking cat with sandpaper. Dante Gazzini showed up the night in Las Vegas. It's looking like fucking Michael Corleone's driver. Nice.

He lost a bunch of weight. He looks good. He looks good. I didn't get a chance to talk to him. You know, again, I don't want to do dick before a show, and I don't want to do dick after the show. Now, basically, after a show, I just talked to people for two fucking hours.

And I just sat down for 45 minutes, and I got back up for an hour, which means every muscle in my fucking leg is sore. So after the shows, I want to sit there and talk to these people and take pictures and fuck her. around. Dante and his friends were very nice enough to invite me to dinner. And I tried to tell Dante that Friday nights we usually go out with Mario's son. Remember Danny? Danny comes and we shoot

out and we just go get a dinner at his house or whatever. You could cube him for whatever the fuck. But it just so happened that I just shook Dante's hand. When I went outside that night, Danny called me and said, I'm not coming Friday night. I'm coming Saturday with my dad. If Don't They would have hung out. I would have probably ended up to go eat with him or he wouldn't end up going with us over at the Clem because we usually go to that fucking seafood bar. Right, yeah.

But we were there until 10 o'clock talking shit again. You know, the show ends at 9, and you're out there till 9, 10, 10, 30 talking shit. You know how it is when you're after a show. People go to the show. Some people want to smoke with you or whatever. I ain't smoking with people. I didn't take nothing.

Some lady did bring me candies, but I didn't take them until the end Because now I'm scared because they threw you out. They got everybody under the eye. And if they threw you out, they want to throw me out next. So I'm like, I ain't taking nothing from fucking nobody. I wouldn't even take a kiss from fucking people, nothing. But people missed you.

But I still like the South Point, aren't that? The reasons why I like the South Point is for all the reasons we discussed. I know exactly what I'm getting. I got a good breakfast. I got a good lunch. I got a good piece of coconut cake. I got three bites and threw it away in the garbage. You had a coconut cake this year.

Yeah. Not the strawberry record. No, no, no, no. I wanted to switch it up a little bit. Every once in a way, I got to switch it up. And it's funny, I got to see our good friend Larry. Larry's dynamite guy. And I said to him, listen to him,

I'll swing your kid by. But after radio, I went back to the room and got stoned and fell asleep. And I go, just bring him up to the room. And he came up to the room and Steve Simone. And Larry had his boy up there. There was his 10th birthday. That shit made me feel better than the fucking shows, you know. seeing how happy Larry was

and his kid was, you know, I'm the Meatball King and I'm fucking Fox or whatever the fuck I was on. Yeah, his kid, and he loves Steve Simone. He loves Steve Simone's comedy and stuff. You know, Steve Simone has this family friendly comedy. I'm listening to it the other and I'm like, these people are having

a good time right now. They're about to run into a brick wall with me. He's up there talking about ice cream and dreams and fucking pajamas and shit. And I'm about to go up there and talk about fucking Copernic You know, so Where's that fucking

Music you were going to play there Monday, October 31st I want to be around To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody Twice as smart As I

Somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Fucking tremendous. 50 years and the fucking song still sounds fucking great. You know what I'm saying? That's what it's all about. Let me give some shoutouts real quick. Happy birthday, Matt Holmeyer, Joey Alvarado, the fucking kettlebell king. Got some article printed.

Me and Rogan, we're talking about them on the podcast today. If you really want to get in jujitsu shape with fucking kettlebells, Joey Alvarado is your man. Brandy Lynn,

always looking good with a new Joey Dia's fucking pirated shirt. Art porn, Chris O'Hara, Thomas, Eagle, Lawn, Rosinkur,

and Jeff Skinner. I love you, motherfuckers. And don't forget, 60 tickets left for the Woolbur Theater and Boston next Friday.

Tons of tickets next left for November 12th at Foxwood. What's happening? Oh, no. I was going to say it's down to 40 something now. I checked. Really? Yeah, so get your tickets fast. 40 tickets left at the Wilber Tina.

And I'm not adding no shows. I ain't that fucking type of monster. What you got is what you get. Cuck sucker. Ali Wong sold out. Fucking, they got a great lineup. Oh, yeah.

Wilberthina ain't fucking around, bro. They got a good lineup. The last time I was there, probably six or seven years ago, to see Russell Peters. Those shit. Yeah, yeah. They've always had comedy there. But now it seems like they're focusing on it.

Well, they're going after a different, you know, echelon or whatever. I don't know. I like Laugh Boston. I have nothing against Laugh Boston. I think Laughston's a great club. You know, the agency just wanted me to move up and do this theater. So I said, I'll do it one time and see how it works out. I didn't do it.

I don't think I would do well. I just wanted to prove that I didn't know what I wanted to prove. And I lost, so. But I'll give it a shot and see how it goes. I'm very excited about that. It'll be fun. Do you mind if I talk real quick about the old episodes? Not good.

So, guys, there used to be a limit on how many podcasts you could have on iTunes, only the most 100 episodes. Everything's always been available on our RSS feed. But real quick, what I'm going to do is I'm going to release them all. But some of you have it set on to download every episode. please don't switch it to have it only download new episodes because I'm going to re-release everything but I don't want to kill anyone's data plan. It's because I opened it for a couple hours and we got a bunch of downloads.

I was like, oh shit. So if anyone, just check your subscription and we'll be on the lookout. I'm going to do it on Thursday morning, I guess. And I'll do it Wednesday morning. And just be on the lookout for it. And now that just means for everyone else. that all 400 and whatever episodes will be available on your phone.

Unfucking believable cocksucker. Look at you. Releasing like Ricky and Desi and Lucio Ball and shit like that. So yeah, Wednesday morning, 9 a.m. Pacific, I'll do it. I've been having a hard time lately because I've been getting into this fucking Cellia show on Netflix.

I'm up to, you know, I don't watch it for a few days and I watch two episodes a night for three nights or something. And I'm up to episode. I don't know, 20-something. And right now, Fidel took over. And it's so weird to see this island. And first off, I have to congratulate the writers of the show. They've done a phenomenal job so far.

I told my wife, if they mentioned Union City, New Jersey, I will fucking shoot myself in the head. I'll have to contact these guys because they really did their homework. So it's a show about a Cuban singer. But right now at this point, Castro is taken over. The girl that was getting sexually molested by her, stepfather has left and gone to New York City, and she's a successful singer. The young cousin to Celia Cruz is now homosexual, and the Cuban castor regime just beat

him up because I told Rogan about this 15 years ago that when the Castro regime took over in the beginning, they hated gay people. They were killing gays, throwing them out of ships, would fucking tied their hands and shit. There's tons of stories about the Fidel Castro regime did to fucking... Jesus Christ. Gay people. I mean, there is so much going on in this TV show that is on point. You know, the racism that was in Cuba,

how they tried to threaten Celia Cruz to leave the band because of the color of her skin. They said she won't sell records. The owner of the company, his name is Sidney Siegel. He's a Jew, but he speaks Spanish. She's a Cuban Jew. I was going to say that's a pretty Jewish name. Sidney fucking Siegel.

That's a great fucking name. But I also noticed that not once when they call him in Julio, the Jew. I don't understand why. And they say mulata. They say laelita. They say slang words on the show. It's all in Spanish. But it's in whatever the fuck you call it when the words come up.

You know what I'm saying? I listen to it. And I'm really enjoying the Spanish because it's 60% Cuban Spanish. You think they would have called him just the Jew to him? They would have called him the Jew? Behind his back, they call him at Julio. Because Cubans do that shit. They just say it, Julio.

They go by nationality. But the point I'm trying to make that, what's really weird about this show is the religion that's involved in this. You know, whether it's the Santeria side or just praying to the saints. And what this, you know, when my wife said, look at that person. She couldn't be anymore. When did the Irish invade Cuba? My wife said it as a judge.

joke. And I looked at a straight in the face and I said, what do you mean? The Battle of the Boyne, when the Irish that didn't want to fight, wanted to leave, they went to the only other Catholic country. Cuba is known as a fucking Catholic country. That's it. That's it. It's a Catholic country. You know, so all these Irish went there and there's a Chinese chick in the show to really show the different ethnicities that ended up in this island. It was like an island of fucking pirates that now had flourished and they had gambling.

They don't show the gambling in this show, which really baffles me, but they show this island in the 50s that's fucking successful, and it has gambling, and it has music and bands are coming to play there. You know, it's just this, you know, the generations that they don't know about this,

even I, that was clear. closer to that generation. I forgot all about this. I tell you what it is making me do. It's making me hate Castro again. Oh, really? All over again. Like, really fucking hate them.

Do they just show news clips? What do they do? They have an actor that's playing Castro. And how, you know, how they took over homes. They went in there with a lie. But they went in there at the perfect time, Lisa Ann. They went in there when Batista was making a mind. We had that island.

You know, Batista didn't care about that island for the last five years. It was Italian controlled. You know, it was the mafia controlled, those casinos. And basically, Batista was just taking a percentage and robin. He didn't give a fuck, Jack. And they didn't give them, there's nothing they could do. Because what can they do? If they killed them, they had another fucking guy to deal with.

So Batista did whatever the fuck he wanted to all those years. But at the same time, there was people dying of starvation in Cuba. When I was a child, I heard these stories. And when I got a little older, I heard these stories, and I seen the Cubans in my neighborhood show the hatred they did for Fidel Castro.

I never could understand. Like, get over it. Watching this again makes me understand why. It's really interesting what it's done to me watch this show. It also made me understand something else. It made me understand something about myself. You know what kept me alive all those years when I was in the rocket ship, and I went to jail, and I was involved with my ex-wife and a kid when I was having all those problems? You know what kept me alive, Lisa?

What's that? My faith. I swear to God, I just realized it the last couple, last week or so. That's how much I believed as a young man, you know. In Catholicism? Yeah, just Catholicism and the whole belief that I was being watched that. I had angels people watched over me. I really...

Did you abandon that before, like when you were doing all the bad stuff? I abandoned that after the bad stuff. After my mom passed away, I abandoned it because I lost, like I said before, my belief system. That's when I abandoned it because I couldn't believe it would happen, you know?

If there was a god, if there was, all these great things. How could this happen at this age? Right. But it's even, like when did you get it back? Because I would imagine it'd be a struggle to deal with doing some of the bad stuff

and thinking you're being launched. I would think it from time to time all those years. I probably got a little bit of my faith back like in 2001 was that started coming back. You know, I've been thinking a lot later. I've been writing a lot lately. And it's, it's, It's really weird what love does Tia in a way.

And even though I tried to fight Terry off, Terry gave me some faith for a couple of years there. You know, just a little bit of faith. And I was shooting a short film. I was shooting a short film that I went in there. I have no fucking idea where I went in there. And I booked it. There was $100 a day.

And they started breaking my balls right off the bat. Like, we're going to do rehearsals, and I'm like, that's not going to have. What, what's a problem? I'm like, it's a $100 day film, brother. I can't rehearse this shit. I rehearse on the fucking set. Wait, when we're blocking, we rehearse. He was a new director out of the USC.

He was by the book. I had to break his spirit right off the bed. Was he still at USC? Was it a student film? No, he just graduated, but he was doing something. And you know what? I told him, fuck you. I was like, I ain't doing it.

I told me the audition. He goes, you know, if you booked this, we're going to rehearse on next week. And I go, how much is this pay? Goes to payz on a day and you have three days on the set. I go, what are the rehearsals pay? He goes, that's all part of the movie. I go, I can't rehearse for free. It was like, I ain't rehearsed.

I ain't coming up here. You were talking about your schedule earlier? I loved when you had that meeting last week. and you were talking to our friend at the bar, and you were just messing with him the whole time. Just like, oh, yeah, I'll say I'll go until the day of. And he was having a heart attack. It really is the truthly.

I'm not lying anybody no more. I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm too old, and I don't have the fucking time. And especially when it involves a plane. You know, there's just so many things that, It just can't do. That just won't do.

You know, when I'm sitting there and I'm, and it's October, and you're talking to me about a situation that's going to occur in April, I'll talk to you about it. You sure, right. Yeah. No, come on. Really? You know, I'll talk to you about it.

What am I going to fit it in? I don't fucking know. Call back in March? Huh? Is that what you saying, basically? Yeah, call me back in March. I'll let you know what's going on. It's fun for me now because I know what your response is going to be

So whenever I see someone ask you a question like that It just makes me happy Oh yeah even my agents know I'll tell you whatever the fuck you want to hear the day of That you know while nothing's going on Once I wake up get up eat cereal Then I really know if I'm taking that right over the hill Then I really know

Then I really decide if what I'm about to do is that fucking important to me What's the most important thing for me? to do today. Is it really they go over there? They got a bad sandwich or somebody to talk about shit I've already heard any time. Not really. That gets canceled. This gets canceled. This gets canceled. This gets canceled. This gets canceled.

It's that fucking quick. People are always surprised when they find out of all, like my work schedule. They're like, so when are I going to do it? I'm like, I don't know. We'll find out. We'll find out. We'll find out next week. Yeah, we'll find out. We don't know nothing about nothing about nothing. That's what makes this the most interesting job in the water.

kind of freeing not having no worry about because that you think you still would have freaked me out before I would have given me anxiety oh I know it still does but listen all you got to do is look on my count and go he's gone that weekend that weekend I know I'm not working doesn't even work all that sometimes because sometimes the gig it just goes away you look at I can you look at your book something or maybe like who knows once in a while that happens once in a while but if you look at the two main comedy club weeks in a month oh yeah they're always solid yeah those are true so then sometimes you change the day you're leaving so I'll no I'm always leaving Thursday

I've got it down to it the funniest thing about me is they'll call me and they'll go listen they lie for you the and I'll give them the number of the Wednesday night flight like this is late do you understand me so you'll tell them you're coming in Wednesday

sure I'll get the research to find out what the Wednesday night fly number is you know I don't fuck around like if you know i even do red eyes if you don't catch it once i send you to either you're just that stupid oh yeah and they're waiting for you at the airport with the sign sure i just have schedule like eight appointments sure good yeah sports radio go ahead drumming go ahead oh a podcast yeah sure i'll break my fucking rule this time p i'll do a pop once they ask me about the podcast then i really pull the plug on them then i give me to about four 30 or

five six maybe let's say if it's fucking east coast club right i'll do it about 701 which is 10 oh one at night okay okay so they're going to bed already with the pajamas son think if they got to get up early and go get pick up joey d's at the fucking they think they got to wake up go see they're already asleep then they probably have to wake up early they're already asleep They're getting up at five to go pick up Joey at the fucking red eye, and he just drops a bomb on him. They take the little snuggies off. Hello, Joey, what's going on?

Listen, you're not going to believe this. This can only happen to me. You always open up, but you're not going to believe this, and this will only happen to me. I'm sitting here all fucking weak, scratching my ball, sniffing my fingers. Do you understand me? Nobody fucking gives a fuck about me.

Just right now. Just right now. What time is it over there? It's 10.01. It's 10.07. Yeah, right now. 10 to fucking seven, my time. I just got a call from a fucking casting director that they want me to audition for this role tomorrow.

So, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Does that mean you're cancel tomorrow? Come on. Would I do that to you? I talked her into putting it on tape tonight, but I got to do it at 9 o'clock. That's the only problem. That means I can't make the red eye. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I don't think I could schedule that. radio for you. Well, listen. It's already three-quarters sold out. Wednesday, what do we got Thursday? We got 210. All right, then what are you worried about? We'll take some pictures. They'll go on Twitter. Everybody's happy. And we'll solve the weekend. I need your

fucking... And then when he gets off the phone, there's no audition. There's no vertigo. There's no nothing. You're going to have to start, like, keeping a list of all your excuses so don't reuse them. Vertigo will last forever. I get vertigo. Whenever the check ain't right, something.

you know what I'm saying? Whenever something right, the check ain't right. It's like handy to the check you start getting a little bit of a little. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Let me tell you something. If they make me an offer and it ain't right,

I'll milk the offer to the day before the week and I'll sell a bunch of tickets. And then I'll call my agent and start working and listen. Call the club and tell him Joey's got vertigo. You don't know if he can make it. He said he just looked at the offer for the first time. Your agent must hate seeing your phone number pop up like on Wednesday. Yes, he does. Yes.

He's like, I'm not going to answer your calls on Wednesdays. It's always bad news. Dog, if I'm going to pay him 10%, I'm going to make him earn. I'm worse than that has sitting at you on the flight to fucking L-A-X that time that work those fucking stewardesses. I will work that agent of debt if he gets me for 10%. I don't give a fuck, Jack. I'll make up fucking work. I'll switch weeks on them.

Just torment them. And you don't need to switch the weeks? You just like, yeah, what's what happened? the funniest thing was I called him like in September and listen I can't make you no promises but look at those weeks after the special I don't know how they're going to go

he's like what are you talking about what are you saying they go I don't know I might cancel all of them I can't believe you at least give him that warning oh I go the world will might go Connecticut might go and they weren't going nowhere I'm just torched them just to let them know with Captain Kirk they get the prize is

I'm whipping them. I'm like, you know what? I might do our vine, but we might cancel Portland. Portland. Yeah, we might cancel Portland. I might just take the rest of the fucking year off of it. Oh, my God.

There's just silence. When you smoke weed, do you get evil thoughts and just call people? Please. That's my darkest thoughts where I'm sitting there by myself. The phone in the joint. Then I have to hear somebody talking to me and bothering me and shit. Those are my best fucking moments when I'm sitting there. I could draw up shit.

in my head that I'll put you down. And I even have it strategically when and when I could call you what times I could work you the whole night. I was talking to Paula because she's like thinking of moving in a week or two. And I was like, well, yeah, so Joey calls sometimes. And she's like, what time does he call? I'm like, well, it could be two in the morning or six in the morning. And I'm like, well, and she's like, okay.

I just put the cell phone on vibrate. It's always unvibrate, but it's just, it's fun. I almost missed the 6 a.m. phone calls. Like, you had me on that regimen for at least a month. I'll put you back on it first thing tomorrow morning. I'll put you to the front of the line. That's like 10 to 6. That's a good one right there.

You have a schedule? With like a list? First off, you know the people that call me the daytime from miss a thing? with a number that I don't recognize. I call them at like 501 in the morning. They never pick up, but they're baffled. Of course, it's five in the morning. 435 around me.

And then I call you, I call them people like at six. You just torment Los Angeles. I give them until six. If I see Red Band is doing that shit periscoping, I give them whatever time. he stopped periscoping, and I'll blast him right there this house twice back to back. I'll make sure he answered that fucking phone.

Even though so he went to bed like five. I don't give a fuck. You're going to call him on 630? I don't give a fuck. If I know people are doing blow, if I see him on Facebook, and I think they're doing blow, I will call them and shit. Why do you need to torment these people so much? Because you have to.

There was a friend of mine that's a comedian locally here, and he would do blow and go on Twitter. and I would call him at like six and just start tormenting his life about fucking listen dog I just got a call from the cops I would fucking torment him I'm a professional this is what I enjoy I don't have a lot of things that I enjoy

this is you I take peace on when all the time when do you take peace on me listen if I get me Larry as my witness this weekend on the other end of the phone calls he was like that was hysterical when he was busting your balls? Listen, I could put you in a fucking insane assailant.

I could put you on a 30 day. I've been Googling, doing some Yelp researches. Listen to me. In 30 days, I can put you in the same assail asking questions. Going in there fucking dropping

Pink Floyd fucking lyrics and shit. But I like it. You're a good kid and I don't get a satisfaction from cracking. It's people who think they're geniuses who I like to crack. Those are the ones

that I can put them on the small crack program. How many people have you sent to the insane asylum? At least two. About 15. They must know you then. There must be like a story of Joey Diaz for the mental institutions.

This is a kid on Facebook. I was dear friends with him for a while. I loved him. I loved him like a fucking brother. I really did, man. He just always felt like I put something on him. He went to a therapist. and talked about it.

Because years later, he wrote me like this known on fucking Facebook. You know, you really messed with my head. We were kids. Who the fuck knew? We were just playing around. Oh, I'm in for a lot of mental therapy. I was actually thinking about it, to be honest with you. What were you thinking about it?

I was thinking I've never gone to therapy. I've never done it. I was like, fuck, I pay for this insurance. I might as well test it out. And when are you going to talk to the lady? I haven't called yet. See, once you call and you go down there, they put your name in the file, and then they ship your name to Washington. Now they put you in the looney bin, all right?

Now you've been to the looney bin one time. Don't mean that you've been to the lullivan. Now they start sending you propaganda in the mail, right? Because they know you're half-retarded, right? And they start sending you propaganda, and they ask you about a national... Yeah, about a national diet and stuff like that. The next thing you know, you're fucking this. And you send you peanuts, and you go shoot the president.

I can't figure out what made you go shoot the fucking president. What made you go shoot the movie theater? I'm not shooting nobody. That's what I'm saying. You're not going to, but if you're going to tell him you're crazy and they'll make you crazy. You think so? You don't recommend therapy? I mean, have you done it?

When I went, I never knew what therapy was. It just sounded very distant to a guy like me, especially a young age. But when I was in the halfway house, and I failed a drug test. They put me back at the halfway house. And then when I failed another drug test, they were going to put me in jail.

Thank God I had a great attorney who negotiated a six-week stint at a place called Serenity, which is now out of business. This thing went out of business 25 years ago. So I put it out of business, no. No, I paid them and everything was great. because you couldn't get the certificate until you paid them. So for me to have to pass this probation thing,

I had to pay them to get the certificate. They fucked me, but I didn't give a fuck. They kept me out of jail. It was six to nine every fucking night. Five nights a week. Six to fucking nine. So if you left work at five, you had to go right to fucking...

Did they have dinner for you? Did what? Did they have dinner for you at least? They had a dick for you. Fuck. They had a break at seven, 40, 7.30, you had a 15-minute break to eat you dinner if you brought it. The women were very nice. It was, I had never even going to prison. I could sit here and tell you that I was put into groups.

They never put me into nothing. There was zero rehabilitation for me as far as talking in there or anything like that. There was AA meetings and NA meetings and there was a group that you automatically paid for whether you got something out of it or not. I went to that one. So yeah, might as well go. But I didn't go to anything else that I felt really. This was the first time in this halfway house. It was the first time where I saw the effects of therapy. You know, and it started with talking, a conversation.

It felt like we started talking about a conversation, and then they took that conversation and used it against me. Every word literally. Now, there's one thing about me, I'm not a literal guy. What do you mean with that? If somebody's sitting outside that wall, I could get the cops called on me every fucking night.

You know when we're fucking around you and I, and I go, Lee, do a bang hand, or you giggle, I go, Lee, come on, eat another mushroom or Lee, we're going to eat the star together, and you look at me, and I just fuck around with you. And I just go, Lee, eat that fucking star, or I'll stab me in the neck. you and me giggle,

but there could be a guy out there that takes that literally and on down 911 and try to press charges or say he heard it on many times Joey telling Lee, he would stabbing the neck. Right, yeah, it's just sort of along the lines of anytime there's a tape recorded scandal,

that's always my thought is that maybe, like, we don't know, you never know the whole story with that sort of stuff. So, I don't know about that tape recorder scandal I don't be a tapeer I mean I guess Maybe Who knows

What the fuck are we talking about? Literal Being literal So I go into this therapy With these So at the first thing you went It was three people With one therapist

And you talk about your life And blah blah blah Then the next day she came back And just lay it into you Well if your mother smoked pot Do you think this was the reason you would smoke by? I don't really know. Well, think about it.

What do you think? It just became like they would dig on you until they found the scab. They would let you talk about it. And then every time your skin would start to grow over that puncture wound, they would pick at it. That's what it felt like. That was their style of therapy. That was their style or whatever. That's what I felt at that time.

And I didn't think that, I think that, I think that, there's some stuff sometimes that's meant to stay under the carpet I think that's looking right now at 53 man if you want me to lie to you guys there's times I remember shitty things I did when I was fucking 10

that I don't even have to you guys know me and I did shit when I was 10 and 8 I don't have the courage to talk about now you know it's not like I killed somebody or raped somebody or something like that but this is creepy type shit

You know, that I was doing with, excuse me, excuse me, I was doing with friends and my mother's kids. You know, like they had daughters or something and I would sleep over and me and the kid, you know, we were young. We were fucking young kids, you know. We did creepy fucking things, you know. That was it that I'm kind of ashamed of. I mean, it wasn't that bad, but you kind of ashamed of him. You didn't know. You were just a stupid fucking kid, you know?

Right. But it comes back to fuck with you. If you have any dignity, if you have anything that you're made of, those little things always come back and remind you, you know. So now, like, I'll tell you, when I was a kid, my mom had a dry cleaner. And she had a dry cleaner with a guy named Nelson Rivera and his wife, Delilah. they were really involved in numbers since i think since the delilah and nelson ran the dry cleaners they got extra percentages from the dry cleaner but my mom bought into the dry cleaner it doesn't really matter we were all really good friends nelson my mom and my dad had gone back to the 50s it was now

the 70s and they were still friends dear friends nelson and my dad had started a dry cleaner and this is how the relationship flourished when my dad was dad died my mom stayed friends of them she sold her half but then nelson opened up another dry cleaner in the bronx and my mom bought into that one they had a daughter that was two years older than me she was two fucking years older than me and on the weekends sometimes they were divorced nelson and the girl's mother yeah so she would only get her any other week so nelson would purposely get her and didn't bring me up there, even though she was two years younger than me.

I was two years younger than her. She was older than I was. Well, I don't know how long I knew her. One day we started making out, like kissing creepily, and I would pass out. It was fucking terrible. I didn't know what I was doing. I was embarrassed.

And then I would suck on her titties. I mean, we were like fucking cousins, and I was sucking her tities and shit like that. We're blood cousins. It wasn't like we're really cousins. Not at all. I've never even You don't think your parents

were trying to get you to get married? Well, not. At the age of eight? Obviously not then, but... But I remember she was old. I'm exaggerating on the age because there was one point we kept doing it and she had hair on a pussy already.

And I had no hair. We didn't have sex or anything like that. We were just kissing. Well, now I think about that because I have a daughter. Jesus. Okay, yeah. Yeah, this is how it repeats itself sometimes.

You're like, ah, Okay, was I sexually harassing that girl? No. Was she sexually harassing me? No. They put us in the bed together. And on Saturday mornings, we wake up early, early, early, like at 6 in the morning. At that time, I'd have like a little heart on, and she asked me what it was one time.

And from there on, it was all over. She never sucked my dick and nothing like that. We didn't have sex. There was nothing like that. We were too young and too innocent. We kissed and I squeezed the little boobbies. But in the first grade, I gave Debbie Dominguez 50 fucking cents, and she showed me at Teddy's 50 a quarter.

Me and like six other boys in the playground. We were in the first grade. I never paid any one. I had a girl who I did sort of what your parents, like we had sleepovers, like we had a fake marriage once. Who married you? I don't know, probably our parents. We went to friendlies.

We got our own table. It was pretty cool. How old was she? I think we might have been Like maybe eight and six maybe around there maybe probably not even that Maybe even five and four it was young it was younger And when did the marriage end how old was it? Oh I do it immediately I mean we were friends

But I guess probably as I got older It started to get weird so they probably were like you can't sleep out That's probably at a certain age I guess it would probably stop being cool for a boy and a girl sleep over. I don't really remember how old I was when I stopped though. But yeah, probably around 10. Yeah, that's a weird thing to have to worry about as a dad. I was such a Catholic kid that I don't think I could, I remember I felt guilty about that, but I didn't think I could have sex. As long as I didn't have sex, I didn't feel guilty. Even at that age, I had cut a deal with myself. But the next

summer when I saw her pussy was a hairy dog, and I was like a shock. And she was, like, a shock. And she's like, let me show it to you now with all the hair. And I was like, holy shit. Oh, shit. Yeah, I was too young. I don't think I even knew about sex, to be quite honest with you. I knew about it. I had heard about it, but I was shy towards it.

It was just, like, kind of disgusting to me, but I like kissing people. I didn't know. I like dancing and kissing women. I like my dick getting hard and my head getting all hot. So what the fuck are you going to do? what I'm saying? Who doesn't like all that? Fucking October is gone already, ladies and gentlemen.

This means that tomorrow when you wake up, you're going to start seeing Thanksgiving commercials and Christmas commercials. There's already Christmas trees. Somebody said that one of the either Walmarts or Kmart's or something. They went last week and there was already Christmas trees on fucking sales. So there you have it. This petrifies the shit out of me this time of the year. We went to Walmart and they were on Halloween and they were already putting up the Christmas

stuff. And it was pretty crazy. Wow. This year went by super fucking fast, my friends. Super fucking fast. It's amazing. You sit here and you go, that's it. I've kind of, I had to go home today and take a nap after the Joe Rogan podcast.

My fucking ears were bleeding from all the talking. It was ridiculous. It was tremendous. I had a good time there, but Jesus Christ. But it's just, you can't believe it. Like I was, I look at things sometimes. Unlike you guys. I like to look at the calendar and go, wow, it's October 11th.

We got this much time left. No, son, bro, we were just getting excited about the special. I know. And now it's going to be here. Okay. Once November hits, it's a month and a half away. Yeah, so in two hours. Wow.

Time is flown this year, ladies and gentlemen. By the way, we got some interesting, uh, We got some interesting new sponsors this week here. This one is the best one. I like this one so far. It's a great deal. And I've asked Larry. Larry is a driver and I've asked him.

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That's the one I prefer. It's a nicer experience. It's a friendlier experience. They're always up front. I like that you can tip. You can tip these people. That's what a lot of people like that. You can tip.

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for free. What you think about it? Yeah, this is a fucking great deal. You have a business, you're looking for people. It's the holidays. This is the time of the year. Don't forget, me and Lee will be at the Woolbertina. What's the date, Lee? The 11th. 11-11. And then

1112 will be a Foxwoods at 730 at 9. We'll be out of there by nine. Maybe we could catch the last fire of the UFC right there at the casino. That's how we roll, bitches. Thank you for rolling with us this month. Thank you for all the downloads this month. Thank you for helping us out with the taping.

Listen, I love all you guys. You motherfuckers, we wouldn't have nothing. We figured it was Halloween. It was going to be a dead fucking thing. We'll be back Wednesday or Thursday morning with a new podcast. All right. See you then. Don't forget about us next Friday.

the Wiltern and Saturday night at the Foxwood's Country Club. This show was brought to you by Lyft. Drive for Lyft, the ride-tearing app that lets you be your own boss, pick your own hours, and earn up to $1,500 a week driving your car. Sign up today at lift.com slash Joey. That's Lyft.com slash Joey and get a $500 bonus when he signed abusing our show. That's Lyft.com slash Joey, 500 bucks. great for the holidays, just extra money, whatever you need it for. It's lift.com slash Joey. This show was also brought to you by ZipRecruiter.

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