The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #427 - Mick Betancourt

Episode Date: November 3, 2016

Mick Betancourt, writer, storyteller, and host of "The Mick Betancourt Show" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free.    Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.     Recorded live on 11/03/2016.


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Under promo code church to get 10% off Boom kick this fucking horse Lee And then just go to siso.com It was a deescalating right there We were at a peak and it dipped a little A kiss a thing. Oh shit. It's that type of day here at the church, Cocksuckers.

Little nucleus. I heard it on Studio 54 radio on the way here. You're going to kick it up, Lee, or I'm going to fucking, I want to be a depot all my life. Let's do this shit. It's going to be that type of show, ladies and gentlemen. It's a good one today. We ain't fucking around. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Mix it. Strike that ass. Oh, shit. Here it is. Here it comes. It's going to rub up. Can't see your little muffler right now.

Delta 88. Yeah, this is it. This is summer of fucking 84. Yeah, break dancing with the pledge. Brabusting the cardboard out. Breaking down boxes so you can dance on the corner and battle people. B-boys. The weird thing is I like the beef on this jam,

but the thing I like the is the guy's rap. Kick it, kick it, kick it, kick it, kick it. All the way. Blow up the fucking speakers, Lee. Blow it. There you go. To church what's happening now, cop suckers. Don't touch that controlling.

Walk over this fucking sound. What? Come on. Let's go to work. We got what a minute of your body church. We can throw your shit. Oh shit. Here we go.

Here we go. Take that quailu, copsuck. Here we go. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's the bridge. Oh shit. Now you're going to want.

went into the darkness of the jam. Here we go. That fucking, oh my God. Synthesizer just kicked in. This does not even, this does not end. I can close my eyes and take myself back to a dance floor. And you're losing it. You got a gorilla biscuit in you.

You got a couple lines of coke and shit. Not even. Just dancing with some hot chicken shit. She's hipping up on you. What are you wearing? You're rubbing your helmet on their fucking the side of their hip and shit. But most importantly, man, you're really fucking digging the music. Yeah.

And then I went to see him live and they blew my mind. Right here, watch this rap. He said one. My name is true. And I'm a sure fire for your blood, a ton of a pie, I'm walking jam on protecting MC. If you want the best to put me to the test

and I'm sure you soon agree. That I got no thought because I'm down by low. When it comes to rock and a video. My head always blows up. My mama gave me a brand new toy. Two turretsills with a mic and I learned to rock like a dollar mic. My time went by on the sky creation And I knew one day I would rock the nation

So I made up my mind What? What? Get on fucking crazy man, Southeast world Listen to this shit. Stop, the body and rock till your eyesight stops to get hazy.

Come on, motherfuckers. Light that join up. I'm telling you right now, listen to the shit. Pets to see. Oh shit. Oh shit. And you haven't heard the way. the word nigger one time.

There was respect, you understand? Listen to this shit. Oh, it hasn't stopped. Just like David Gilmore's guitar on dog, they don't stop coming at you. Get down. Here's the, it killed my head. Then the other guy jumps in.

The head fucking yam goes, really? Here we go. What steps to race us from the rest, dude? I'm telling you right. now. He's throwing it. Superman. He's threw Superman in the mix. What black dude shows up with Superman? This is what I'm talking about people.

In 84. 84. Who shows up for Superman? I'm fast for the sky. I don't need no fans to go my ass. I just use my super bread. Around the world without missing a beat. It's too fucking good. Too good.

Oh, she's a jam, man. This is too fucking good. People at home are like, what the fuck is he got me listening to? Oh, this is shit right. Let's your shoes. Your foot's tapping on right now. This is a jam and a half, though. Disco cryptomacemate.

A good man who looked up at me. I said, now that you've earned a deal, let me tell you why I'm so real. Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't start. Don't start. Don't start it right. I can't do it wrong.

Here we go, right here. Jam on it. I say jam on it. Jam on it. It's too much. I might have to do it in the valley. Here we go. Here we do.

Here we go. Here we go. Jam on it. A jam on it. How bad is this motherfucker? And don't get there. Stop your early morning. Jam on this?

Cruising. Yeah. Cruising. I remember snorting three eight balls for this fucking jam. I couldn't wait for my head to blow up. Kick this, kick this, kick this fucking mealie. Welcome to the church of what's happened now. My main goomba, Lee Syatt,

my main motherfucker representing Chicago today from the fucking heart of Chicago. Not one of these okey-doke motherfuckers with a blue hat on with a seal walking around today. Because I bet if you go to fucking Starbucks, you're going to see all the fucking fair-weathered fucking jerk-offs that don't do dick about dick. They just show up.

They don't know nothing. Congratulations, my brother. Congratulations to a fucking city that deserves it with all their fucking... I mean, you know, just... When you go there, it's a pleasure to go to that fucking city. And they even talk shit about the airport. I don't give a fuck.

Sometimes it's worth a walk. Yeah, yeah. You're a fat fuck. You need the fucking walk. Walk, you fuck, walk. Yeah. Well, I got a little electric sidewalk to... Oh, my...

That electric sidewalk, don't do dick for nobody. By the time you get there, ICE is a show up on the other side. you with a fucking gut. And it'll tell you about that, though, when you booked a ticket. Jesus, that fucking walk is brutal. You don't watch electric sidewalks? Huh? You don't do electric sidewalks?

Look, I take everything that can help me out. When you're in a rush, I like the sidewalk, don't do nothing to you. It feels like you're going back in time. When you land in Ohio, dog, it's how slow you're going. It's all, every man for himself. Dude, I'm a chubby guy. I will sit on that electric sidewalk and not move. Not in Chicago.

And stewardess is a straight on you to get past you. They will fucking straight on you right in the neck and shit with their luggage and not give a friend. Frenchman's fuck. When you're in Ohio, you got to walk that fucking electric thing. Like, it's the last walk of your life. Yeah, you got a Jackie Joy. And don't fly, and don't connect in Detroit when you got to walk under the airport at

6 in the morning at the blue lights and shit and you think you're in the twilight zone. People have no idea that I fly in the middle of the night. I fly a vampire shit. We've seen each other a couple times on flights of Vegas, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple times. Yeah. That was fun. I fart. Everybody smells in the back.

They don't even have fucking recruitment back there. They don't even have. Every time you go on Southwest, they give you a drink and a fucking thing of the flu. But Southwest ain't bad. It just gets you there in two hours. When you get on Southwest, you know you're going to get that. It's like your drunk uncle.

He's around. He'll give you a live. You don't really want to take it. Yeah, you know. But I'm not driving L.A. I actually take some fucking virgin. Who gives a fuck? No.

Southwest is okay. The one, the terrible one, is spirit. I almost looked into flying that in a couple weeks. I couldn't do it. There's some spirit in front. They don't even the insurance company just hangs up on you because they know it's a loser You see everyone in spirit and frontier in their seats with floaties on just in case it fucking goes down They got rosary beads in their fucking hands and shit

It's like you know you know you want a frontier lost my luggage they found it two countries or what You know what I said just leave it there There was nothing in there I went on Frontier that was horrible with a buddy pass It was one of the worst flying experience of my life first we got to land in Denver they got a big electric sidewalk that's another airport you don't want to connect uh where else to that and spirit spirit spirit is the southwest of the south i guess uh okay so what you do is let's say you got to go from atlanta to orlando atlanta to chicago they're not bad they got xm radio so you can listen to the disco classics

got you whatever the fuck you're into rock classics like i said it Listen, the whole experience of flying has really changed in this country the last 20 years. I look at it as a part of doing business. People take their fucking shoes and socks off and put them on people's chairs or on the armrest. They put their bare fucking hoofs on. I see that. It's unbelievable. Can you imagine what planet you got to live on to put your foot that close to a, like, unwelcome.

I mean, that is. Put your feet next to me. I've got to say something to you. It's going to be a fucking problem on the flight. Yeah. You know, in those middle aisles, that's where immigration goes all the time. Those people who don't fly a lot and they act. It's horrible.

Listen, when I see a guy with his feet out, I say two prayers. What's for the plane to go down? And then I retract it. And I say, I hope it gets diabetes in his feet. Those sticky pringles and shit, not worrying. You know, you can't. I'm not talking about flying in that way. It's even on the other aspect.

how they trade the consumer. Yeah. They really don't give a fuck. They don't give you updates when you're there. You don't know what misery is to you stuck on an airport. And for you people, right now, listen to me. I know. I know.

It might be the last time you see grandma. Listen to me. Listen to me. Ten more days ain't going to kill grandma, okay? You get a plane ticket on January 4th. You're living like a doctor. You come back. There's no lines.

You got no fucking drama. Everybody who wants to fly out on Christmas. Every time I tell you right now, you want to go fly out on Christmas. And I'm not talking about the people who leave on the 9th. They're kind of intelligent. They're kind of intelligent. There's some people who leave on the 9th and make three weeks of it. But not everybody's in that financial gain that you could take off fucking three weeks.

Then you just got to take down a good score wherever you're going. Yeah. You got to make moves where you're going to make up for the week. You had to lose more. Call me up. I'll hook you up with fucking 22 pounds of edible by the time you get there. Even if you don't get high, your whole fucking family will be on. Every time we travel, you say I have to mule something.

The last time I had him going to the airport. The last time I started here, I gave him an edible in that night. After we got off the air, I go, listen, tomorrow there's a dude's because we're going to fucking Texas. I go, some guys on me here at the airport, I set it all up. He said to give you 30 large on the way down. Envelope, you drop it off over there, just drop off your suitcase to give you 30 long. He started with the questions. What's in the envelope?

You're concerned. You don't need a sturdy fucking large. It's going to be. It started at 30 large. It started at like 10. And every time we spoke. It's a good number. Yeah. It's a good number.

It's a good number, but not for federal prison. No, it tends a round number. Do you think I would fucking do anything to you to keep you in a federal prison? Yeah. If you mule something, it's because it's taken care of from A to fucking Z. Can I just say something here on your behalf? Do you think, let's hypothetically say you got caught? Right, yeah.

And you go to federal prison. Okay. And you get brutally fucking raped in the shower. He will not get raped. No, but just hypothetical. He's got on a mission next month. Hypothetically. No, no, I know.

But, thank God I'm on edibles right now. I'd be having a panic attendant. But see how nervous and nerve-wracking that would be? But what happened when you got to your bunk? And there's a little card from Uncle Joe. That's right. Saying. Hey, thinking about you.

There's a bidet waiting for you at home. Hello.tooshy.com. Hello, tissue.com. Listen to me, Lee. I would. 10 is a great number. That's a hot rock for a move. Even when I was doing that flight shit,

I knew I had it covered 90% because the most important coverage you need is in your mind. Do you know that? Yeah, be centered. You know, people always say to me, well, Joey, you fly with weed, no. But if I did, there's times I have a bag. Listen, last time somebody gave me wax in New York

at Carolines or whatever I was, Gotham. I performed with Gotham every year. And I was at Gotham, and somebody gave me a wax pen with a fucking chunk of wax. And I had my T-shirts. My buddy was selling me T-Cathom. I brought the little bag I got little luggage bag for like when I go to Vegas for two days or Phoenix one of these small two night gigs

This is the moot merch this was old merch This was old merch. Okay guys you guys ago. And some guy put it in and I took it and put it in the side zipper You how many times I flew with that little fucking bag? You just forgot it I forgot it was in there Yeah Do you have any fucking idea how many times like it was like a year later? I went in there and I go holy shit I've been flying for a year with a controlled substance. You get caught in an apple with weed.

That's one thing. These fucking idiots that fly with vapor pens and waxes and shit, that's a controlled substance. Oh, really? Yeah, if they want to be fucking evil scumbags. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At the end of the day. Yeah.

And then they're going to go in your luggage and they're going to find three more of those tubes. And that's two years apiece. You know, you have to get an attorney and blah blah. That's mandatory sentencing round, is. You never know. Yeah, it depends on what mood you're in. You never fucking know.

Yeah. You never know. You never know. Fuck. You never know what they're fucking thinking. That's why I'm real... What the fuck is wax? I've been out of the game for a minute.

Wax is this fucking thing they make and you have to get a nail made out of metal and smoke. Oh, I think I've seen that. It's too much trauma for me. It's too much for Uncle Joe. I'm too old. My wife can't have a blow torch at the house.

I can't have a blow torch to get high. It don't mean that fucking much to me, okay? I take two hits off a bong. I'm fine. Everybody's happy. You know, that's it. I'm goody, goody. Why are you going to complicate you?

Yeah, you're going to go in. It's always complicated. We live in a society. I finally put it together there. If we don't complicate things for ourselves, I went trick-a-treating. And the kings of complication are Gentiles. Nobody loves complications more than Gentiles. Now, you're going to understand this story.

I live on Kofax, okay, between Chandler and deeper down there, like, whatever the fuck it is. And my neighbor, there's a bunch of kids, and there was houses. we didn't have to walk on Kofax we meet the kids knock on the door my little daughter sees him and goes

Daddy I'm following the kids I mean that little bitch ran out of the fucking house I'm chasing her down the street with my cowboy suit on and she's a little girl you know she wants to be with the rest of the kids that's 15 kids

and I can tell by each look at these parents they're all mo-moed up you know two of them in outfits they were nice the English women were nice but the people who were just from the neighborhood the white people that had walking their dogs at the same time tripping the kids you know it's always

got to be something yeah this about kids not the fucking dogs take the dog somewhere else yeah so now we walk down and they're like so what's our move and then here these six parents you know who actually live in the area we get we're 50 yards from cofax now my thinking is there's a driveway right above cofax hit to left and go on to the next block and just zigzag the blocks this way eliminate Kofax Yeah All together Busy street

Especially it's 530 No Well yeah rush hour On a busy street Oh no no no They couldn't So we finally convinced them to go down Cofax one block

And make the left And go into deep into the neighborhood So by the next time I'm trying to tie her out my daughter You know what I'm saying I'm trying to tie her out She's been at school all day Halloween and this shit

In my mind this trick-a-treat walk Is to tie her out I get to burn some calories So we walked maybe two blocks An hour later Now it's pitch dark Guess what they want to do One of the mom says

I just got a call From one of my girlfriends And there's a huge neighborhood With kids are trick-treating It's over on best looking whatever She says it out loud So all the kids hear it right? Right

And she goes That's fucking party foul number one And they're like So where is this place And she's like it's across Koufax All the way down by Marie ETC And it's 7 o'clock 7. 7.30

I'm like, I look at my daughter, I look at my wife, and I go, Terry, I'm not going to Kovacs with this child. This is when people get hit by cars and says, you don't know what happened. These are the type of events that if you're not paying strict attention, something happens to somebody's child, and you're a witness to it, and you go, what the fuck. But in my mind, these people did not stop until they went on Koufax with these kids. Then they wanted to stop traffic, you know, that shit on the East. My kids are special. Everyone should stop. Let's say that this guy's drinking.

You have him drive past something and you go, ooh, that was a quick one. I just missed that by an inch. Yeah. Because that's time your mind doesn't allow you to see you. It's Halloween. Maybe you eat a pot cookie at 6 o'clock. Who the fuck knows? But that means you got to walk across Kofax and then walk back.

And you have some dingbat parent who thinks putting their hand out. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. It's going to stop the fucking car. The first parent, when he did it, the cars just drove by past him. And the kids are three feet from him. And I looked at my wife and I go, you know what? These are people who love the complicated. things they can't sleep at night until something you know for their friends to impress

somebody they kid there's 22 fucking blocks are walking we could have walked 22 blocks and not seen cofax but they weren't content until and that's why sometimes when I read stuff or see stuff on TV I'm not in shock anymore now this is what really burns me up with this situation excuse me I got seven I got left back in the seventh grade I dropped out of high school you know know I'm just a half a fucking mutt. These people all college educated, all walk around like the Socrates. That's what really kills me.

But when it comes to simple life decisions, they're the dumbest fucking people. They pay 250 grand to get dumber. To get dumber. And then they move into a certain area and they dummy up to that area. And they don't even see the right, they don't even see the fastball coming down the fucking pipe. That's when I was walking my daughter, my wife's saying, why are you quiet? And I told the later, I go, it baffles me. I'm a street fucking urchin.

And I have more common sense than these fucking parents ever would have in their fucking lives. Then they wonder. This doesn't end to one of these kids, ends in a morgue or something like that. And then they sit there and go, what did I do wrong? You're retarded.

You're retarded. I mean, you just have to. And you know the kids are going to grow up to be like the parents. Like when you drop your daughter off at school, the parents are out of their fucking minds. cutting everybody, swearing, veering in. How do you think those fucking kids are going to grow up to be?

I just drove by a school on Sunset that they had to literally put cones and stuff in the middle of the road because people were just dropping their kids off at sunset. They're like, you cannot drop or pick up your kids on Sunset Boulevard. And they had to literally put a sign in cones. They were like, really? They don't give a shit. So entitled, so fucking douchey. It's really something weird to fucking see.

The reason why I wanted you on the park. We had a conversation maybe six weeks ago and it was one of those conversations we got off the phone with someone and you go that was fucked up That was a fucked up conversation. I mean I wasn't I wasn't angry at you. I just learned something Like I had a conversation with you make about your podcast and what was going on your life and you told me you know what I'm just shutting the lights on everything I made a decision I just did my last podcast yesterday Yeah, I wrapped up the office that the ta ta ta and I got up the phone with you and I go this is a guy that's doing great with a podcast. It's at the peak time. You pulled the Shepout. Yeah? Yeah, I did. What happened? So my schedule, this is going to, so I'll give you a snapshot of what my life was. I was getting up at about between 5.30 and 6 a.m. and I was going to bed between midnight and 1 a.m. every day, seven days a week. So I was working on a show for Fox, which is going to premiere in March of 2017 called Shot.

fired, amazing show, the most elevated storytelling I've ever been a part of in my life, right? So I'm challenged in that area. I got this great podcast going on. I'm doing that once a week, drops Monday, was having a little hard time getting the caliber of guests that I wanted, right? And so I was like, do I just miss a couple? And then if I miss a couple, I'd see the numbers go down. And I'm like, you know, this has to be, I'm preaching, hustling on the podcast.

That's all my podcast is about, being passionate about your life and hustling, right? So I'm like, fuck, I don't want to give anybody a subpar product. So I'm like, all right, then a guy says to me, I've been sober for 14 and a half years, married, two kids, sober in an anonymous program that part of the deal is you don't say the name. But a lot of that took a lot of my time and that's a spiritual program where you got to like lean into God a little bit. I was raised Catholic. I don't necessarily jive with that anymore. So I don't know who or what God is, but I believe.

that there is a God and I just throw my my spirit to that without the risk of sounding fucking cheesy to that every day when I get up hey God whoever you are whatever you do give me the strength and the courage to be the best man I can be in every area of my life that's the general other right

so a guy who I work with says man you just broke down your schedule and I'm only giving you a snapshot I'm also going up and I'm doing stand up three to five times a week I'm working on the show I'm doing the podcast I'm writing a book I'm developing two shows you and I met a couple times about some things you had going, anybody that I truly respect.

And you're a dad. And I'm a dad. I'm raising two kids. I mean, it was, so my guy says to me this, and it really floored me. He goes, hey, that's a pretty busy schedule. And I go, yeah, he goes, where's God in that? And I just, it was like a stick in the spokes that I had been so intensely managing every moment in my life trying to work it and ring success out of it or ring happiness out of

that I had a bit of moment of clarity, specifically with my podcast, which I've done for fun and for free for three plus years, about how do you lead a good life? What does that mean? And I've had Academy Award winners, championship fighters on there, NBA champion coaches, gangsters, hit men, you know, wide gamut of people.

And I just had this moment of clarity with the exception of my family, I'm letting everything go. I'm just going to let it go and see what happened. So I let the podcast go. I gave up my office. I'm pitching two things next week, two TV shows I'm really excited about, but outside of that, that actually came after, I let everything go. Book no more stand-up dates, no more storytelling dates, no more public speaking dates.

I do a lot of public speaking on hustling. No acting stuff, nothing. And I just got quiet. It just got quiet. And I was left with my family and just being a fucking man and making breakfast for my wife. spending time with the kids and I got rejuvenated. I got inspired and I felt I feel right now like I'm 19. Like it's not, it's not, I'm 42 now and I should be peeking out as a writer and good as a producer.

And then I'll, you know, I'll take in the downtime I'll book, you know, six weeks on the road. That may or may not happen. But if it does, it's going to be with New Zeal and new perspective and a new appreciation. I set everything down. And I'd like to make an announcement on the show, man, because your show, with your help as well, is one of the shows that put my podcast on the map by you guys being kind enough for having me. Really, you guys, the Crab Feast and Burke Chrysler's podcast and Jay Moore, those four really drove people to my show. But I'm happy to announce that I'm going to be starting my podcast up again.

Oh, are you? And I have not released that at all. Were you bored without the podcast? I mean, bored without it. I'll tell you, I got, you know, by letting everything go, I wanted to see what came back and what, what, what, you know, not grading my success or, or who I am based on how I'm received by others, but the impact that that podcast was having, I think I underestimated it by how many people were profoundly impacted by it, by the emails that I got when I said, hey, guys, I'm setting this down for a while. I got emails from all over the world that were stunning. And I don't think I could, after reading all of those, not do the podcast. I think I have to.

Because if the whole point was to set everything down and see what comes back, you know, no comedy club called me and said, hey, we'd like you, you know, come do a week in, you know, Tucson. That didn't happen. Who called were the networks. Hey, what shows are you thinking about developing? theaters called and said, hey, we would like you to do an hour because I do these storytelling things

where I just come out and what I learned letting all of this stuff go was I've done stand-up on NBC HBO, I've done the Montreal, I've done Chicago comedy festivals, it never felt right to me. And I performed all the best clubs in the country.

I've performed in a lot of them. I'm a storyteller, man, just like you. I need to tell stories. I like telling them in theaters and I've been trying to jam it down a comedy club's throat. And I don't think it's fair to that audience, and I don't think it's fair to me.

And I learned that by setting it all down. So I did a gig up in San Francisco right before I let everything go. You know, 100 seat black box theater. Jammed it, sold it out. Beautiful night, did an hour. Great stories. Some were sad. Some were funny.

Some were heartbreaking. But it was an experience. And it wasn't like, be funny every three fucking, you know, every two. And it's not my jam now. So I think, not to say I'm better than stand up, but I've let that go. And I did it for 20 years. you tell the story what people understand is when you tell a story the humor will come out in the story exactly naturally yeah if you have to sit down and add those tags i could see it while you're

telling me the story yeah that you've added this to the fucking story in a fucked up way to describe something i love a story when it's just from the heart and the humor will find itself in that fucking story exactly and i think everyone like a comedian you know when we go do i played clubs for 20 years right and i've just set that down invariably there will always be someone that comes up and goes, I think I'm funny, I could do this. And that's great. And you tell them, you know, start it open mics, whatever. I think people feel the same way about storytelling.

I could tell a good story. And maybe you can't. But can you captivate it? You're a great storyteller. There's really like 20 of us out. It's not a big, there's a lot of comedians, but there's not a lot of people that are like, I tell stories. And they're like, well, what's that going to be like?

Come fucking see me. Come see me. Sit down for an hour. Let me grab you. And then an hour later, if you don't like it, I give you your money back. But we're not fucking around. We've lived a life.

Now I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to give you an hour snapshot of a life that I've lived that would have killed you 40 times over. And I'm going to talk about what it's like being on the other side of that and really give you something that has depth and weight and humor. And I only learned that by letting all this stuff go. It was profound, man. It's been three months. Imagine I have that schedule and I go to three months of radio silence. And it's been the most beautiful, invigorating thing.

Listen, guys, you need that. We've been fucking banging it for years. And it's nice to take a break. You know, here's the thing that I deal with a lot of podcast people. A lot of podcast people hit me with emails and questions. And I think that a podcast is like stand-up. Just do it. Just do it.

And the more you do it, it takes you somewhere. and your show theme will come out. Yeah. And then eventually, you know, I had a friend that contacted me recently, goes, I've been doing my podcast for a year and a half, and nobody's coming to my comedy shows. If that's why you did the podcast, then shame on you. Yeah, it's an hour advertisement for your shows.

I want you to do the podcast so you could spill your heart out there. Talk about your views on what's going on in a funny way or in a sad way or in a depressing way. A real way. And a real way. And let the, don't go with the status quo and just chime in to their fucking, to fuel that. You know what I'm saying? It's not worth it. A real one where you come on there and you have your friends come in, people that know you and tell different stories.

Because they really want to get to know you. Before they get to know your point of view, they need to know you. This is a lot of fucking work. But I like the people that get into it and think, ah, I'm just going to talk shit for an hour. well, these guys just talk shit for an hour. Well, shame on you. Yeah. It's like everything else that you try to your life.

There's always a motive. There shouldn't be a motive. There shouldn't be a fucking motive, man. And I got to tell you, and stand up, in the 25 years, I've made me have, like, five motives. And if you don't know anything about me, there's always a fucking motive. You know, there's always a motive.

But, you know, like, oh, my God, I didn't know Tarantino was going to be here. What a surprise, you know, that type of shit. Where a lot of comics are creepy like that. Yeah, yeah. I've only been creepy like that. four or five fucking times, I won't let myself. You know, everybody has a...

An angle, they're out working an angle. Everybody has smoking mirrors. All my podcast, I'm going to have dancers in the room. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you have in the room if you're sold one in the fucking room, you know? But I applaud what you did because... Listen, man, it takes... It's very tough for people to take an honest look at themselves.

That's what I did. Yeah, that sums it up. Nothing gets my dick harder when people... look at me and go, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Again, we always have people. I'm older, so people call me up. I had a girl call me about 18 months ago. Not a bad looking girl.

I think she's beautiful, you know, the way I look at it. There's no sexual advancements there. She's been banging out with comedy, you know, and she left a good job and everything to come out here, and, you know, the pieces aren't falling for her fast enough. Yeah, it's frustrating. And I go, you know, what do you want to do now? Don't get me on the other side of coin.

She's funny. She's attractive, but she's not hilarious. And she doesn't have a hook. And comedy's back. She doesn't have a hook. Comedy's back. So you're competing with everyone that's been in the game for 20 years that can go out and murder. And you've got to be loud.

And in that scene now, you've got to be loud. You have to resonate somehow, some way. So I said to, you know, and she asked me, plant out, am I funny? She goes, because if I don't think I'm funny anymore, I'm going to. pack up and move to Milwaukee, what the fuck she's from? And I said, so I go, wouldn't be right for me to tell you whether you're funny. And that's not my business at all. I'm looking at the other side of the coin.

I know that you're out five nights a week. I know that you're right, no material. I know that you're hustling. You know, she's on the fucking sending packages to managers and agents. Yeah, yeah. And this is it. This is, I can't help you in anything like that. This is part of the game.

You have to put your dress on and do your hair and put a ribbon in your hair and try to figure out what managers aren't. involved in like big buildings and shit that won't let you in and you just go and if they don't let you in drop it off of you're there yeah at least they'll see it and they'll open it up it's different is you got to be different that's the main thing you know so mick you i when did you start telling stories because i didn't know you did comedy for 20 years like did you start that sums up my fucking comedy career well i've known you since you've been here in l. yeah yeah well since i've been here in Illinois. No, I mean, I, when I would do stand up on TV, they'd say, are you

four and a half minutes? And I go, I'd think, what the fuck can I do in four and a half minutes? And I'd feel so awful because I couldn't serve that opportunity. You know, like someone was nice enough to go, we like what you do. Will you do it on TV? And I thought, that's when I really started to know, I tell stories. Like, that's what I do. So when I would, when I would headline a show if I'm doing 45 or 50, I would have an arc to like Pryor's early work or Bogosian or Whoopi Goldberg's first special where she's doing telling stories but doing characters in and out of it, Louisiana's first special. So it was like a hybrid of a one person show and stand up. But what I started to see that I enjoyed most out of all of that was the narrative

as opposed to just banging on the laughs and the people that stuck with a 15 minute story. if I'm in a stand-up environment, if I'm doing a 15-minute setup, then subconsciously the payoff has to be magnanimous to a 15-minute setup. But if you're seeing me in a theatrical environment and I'm doing a story, I can get the same payoff because the audience is listening to the story in a different way. It's weird. If someone comes out and goes, now hear a stand-up, some switch goes off in their brain where they're expecting to hear the cadence of stand-up.

But if you say, here comes a storyteller. This person is going to tell you stories for an hour. It's going to be new to a lot of people, right? Because they're like, how's that where I'm even experiencing it? I know what the moth is. I've heard stories for five minutes or for ten minutes. How's that going to work? And I go on and I'll do stories for 45 minutes or an hour with twists and turns and an actual arc.

It's an actual experience. It has something, you know, it opens with me looking at my kids and wondering whether or not I'm going to give them the full story about who I am. and the stock that they come from. When can I be honest with them about that? And then I go through my experiences and then it ends at my daughter's eighth-grade birthday party where she asked me the very simple question, have you ever done drugs? Yeah, it's not going to work when you sell them drinks on Friday and Saturday night. Yeah, that's not going to work.

It's a different mechanics. It's a whole different thing. So I didn't, and I think really answer the question that you had was this. When I was on shots fired, it was Gina Prince Bithwood and Reggie Rock Bythwood. They created the show. They were committed to the best. They wanted the best out of everybody, but they did it in a very motivating and encouraging way. But they're like, everything else can happen down here. We don't give a shit. We work up here. Not because we're smarter than everybody, but we have a very clear vision of what we want to do, how we want to execute it, and what we

expect out of everybody. It's the first time in my career as a writer that I've been around the best, who consistently do the best and it made me ask the question, if I'm doing all of these things from six in the morning to one in the morning, what is my best? Does my best even exist in there? How can it exist if I'm multitasking all of these things?

And what would it look like to experience my own personal best and in what area? And it was too confusing. And that also motivated me to go, I got to let all of this go to see what comes back and then individually one thing at a time commit 110% with the risk of failing, with the risk of going, wow, I shouldn't be doing this, while maybe I'm not as good at this as I thought I was,

and really to the thing that I dedicated three and a half years on my podcast of like hustling and doing your best, I don't feel like I was doing it. So I had to let it all know. It's a law of diminishing returns. Yeah. Okay, it's a law of diminution returns. You got too many fucking hands and too many parts. So I do two podcasts a week and I go on the fucking road.

But they're all in the same universe, though. And you're right, and you're a parent, you know. And when you go on stage at a comedy club, you could tell stories, because I make a living off-ternel stories. That's why I said you're the exception. But you have to throw excitement. You have to throw excitement. And nobody wants to hear about their fucking kids at a comedy club.

You know what I'm saying? Very lightly do people want to fucking hear about, you know, because somebody else I know is having a problem with this. He was like, I'm trying to tell a story, and then I'm taking the ride. And I thought about it in the car, and I thought about it. And I go, you know what, 10.30 on a Saturday, I want to hear about fucking kids. I don't. I don't want to hear about fucking kids.

I've been drinking, snort and blow. I want to hear about what fucking Hillary's going to do or what this asshole is going to do. And then you can tell a story that reflects about everything that's going on. See, that's what works. And we perform it. We know how to perform. Yeah, we know how to perform. And I was having a great.

Clubs were like, whenever you want to come back, I was dissatisfied. I was just, they were like, this is great. People are coming out to see you. And I was like, this isn't, this isn't working for me. I think there's something better. And I have to, maybe I'm wrong, but I'm committing to see if that's right. If I can perform it that way in an environment where there are no drinks. I mean, a lot of my audience is sober, too.

Former savages, you know, that are just raising kids that used to be lunatics that are out trying to lead the best life possible that they can. I mean, when I played Chicago, man, we sold the shit out of that. That was fucking great. There's a great little theater. shout out to the WIP Theater and Edison Park on Northwest Highway. Those guys have always been very kind to me. They actually just got their liquor license. But it was a little theater environment.

And the premise of this hour I just spent the last year and a half working on a new hour is that being an adult is the most fraudulent thing I've ever been a part of. That's the premise of the whole fucking new, my new hour. It's just you think when you're going to when you're a kid and you grow up, adults are going to have all the answer. Nobody knows a fucking thing. Everybody's looking at each other like, do you know? Do you know? Nobody knows nothing. We're raising fucking kids.

I don't know nothing. I don't want to know nothing. Yeah. Everybody I knew did drugs, stole shit, fought, and fucking now they're telling you got to do your homework. I got to look at my son in his eye and go, you got to fucking study. Who the fuck am I to say that, you know? It's all fraudulent.

And the feeling of fucking shame and compromise I got going, well, maybe he's going to hopefully have a totally different life than I had and not have to experience any of that shit. I don't know. But I had to take him to the fucking graveyard and tell him his grandmother was a bisexual bank robbing fucking prostitute. So, you know, sometimes life's complicated. It's not.

I live in a sham, too, but you... You got to do what you got to do. You make your fucking, I paid my debts of society. Yeah. I move on when she gets to be old enough. I'll sit down, tell her what happened in my own words. Yes. I'm not proud of it, but I am.

That's the complication that I'm interested in, Joe. That little thing that you just said, the bridge from those two situations of now and when you have to have that conversation. To me, it's fascinating. Fascinating. I don't worry about it. I don't feel guilty about it. I do the best I can and I did something with my life.

So it's like everybody else. The 20s are for you to fuck up. I fucked up. And I fucked up some of them in the 30s. And I tell you what, I fucked up two or three years of my 40s. So, but we clean that shit up. Yeah. I was just, I've always been amazed when people walk away with something and put it

into more of a micro thing, you know? You like doing this theater thing. Listen, storytelling is a niche. There's a big business behind it. There's a big business behind it. As you see, we as comedians, we now have a storytelling show on one of the Comedy Essentials.

Yeah, one of the Chishapes. You know, does that mean that's a staple? No, something's going to come up with a better one and put it on HBO or, you know, it's out there. Will the room start popping up for storytelling? That one, fuck yeah. I know there's one, the girl that was on here. Oh, right, right, yeah.

The girl, Susanna. Susanna Lee, Monday nights, and she packs them in down there. Yeah. They change themes, you know, she has a back room. What's the name of that place? On Vine next to the, where Pachial trains. There's a bar, the three of clubs. Three clubs, yeah.

That's a nice venue. Yeah, they do shit now. Storytellons back. Everybody, I love it. Yeah. I love to go down there and feel free. You know, and that's where I think freed my comedy. The first time I started telling stories in 99 in the belly room,

I was a different monster because you're not going for the laugh. Yeah. And that teaches you a different aspect of the game. It teaches you a little bit more control. It takes away that cheesy comedy feeling that you have to deliver a joke every three minutes and take your shirt off and giggle. It took that away from me. It really did.

It was like, oh, my God, there's another aspect of this. Now how to make it grow is... is the full patrol. Now, here we all fucking, what, 16 years later, there's a story tell a show on. I put out five albums and just stories, testicle testaments, you know?

I mean... Just for the priest? That was what you. Yeah, no, that was the CD, the comedy, but this is, uh, I put out $2 storytelling CDs, iTunes. And I talked about the kidnapping.

I talked about, uh, just doing Coke. You know, they were like two hours, weren't they? We would fucking go for hours. We'd go for fucking hours, I always edit them, and I really believe in that genre. I really believe in. I did that the next two or three years, I know HBO will come up with something, because they'll get celebrities, you know, they'll get fucking Ray Leota

that talk about his time on Goodfellas. I mean, for me, the picture show would be like a TV show. I would pitch it about situations. I would get the three guys from the Munsters to tell us a half-hour of Munster stories. The Mart does that. It's a theme. You show up. They do a great job.

I would have, you know, what's the guy that's on Blue Bloods now? Tom Selleck. Yeah. To go on with his, the black guy and the other dude and talk about MacMacham PI, whatever that. You know, there's so many avenues for this. You could do this with a certain musician. Yeah. Get three band leaders together to get Def Leppin.

Talk about the 81 tour with Motley Crew, whatever the fuck, whoever they were on tour with ACD, Judas Priest. There are so many different. fucking venues. I would love, you know, I read the one Erosmith book, and I was always baffled on whether, why they didn't do more books like that, or that didn't become a TV show. And it's basically Stephen Tyler would tell a story about the situation, Joe Perry Wood, Brad Whitfordwood, and it's amazing drugs, what drugs does to your mind about memories. But it also, each of them also took a particular event from all of them. So something like that, just have a moderator, Eddie Tronkamongo.

Tonight we're going to talk about the album, Rocks by Aerosmith. And these five just tell stories about that fucking album, you know? Yeah. There's hours of countless of this shit. You know, we love stories as Americans. We do.

And I think when I was 19, I mean, I fucking told you this story, Erudy. When I was 19, this guy goes, I got a last-minute scholarship to college, and part of the deal was teaching in between, I mean, hold on a sec.

Keep talking. Keep talking. Can't relapse on your podcast. They said, we're going to have this guy tell a story. I'm 19. I'd never heard of a storyteller before. I mean, I knew what stories were, but like a guy who called himself a storyteller? What the fuck? Who does that?

This old guy is like 60 ambles out. He's old then. Not so old now. And he goes, hey. my name's, I think his name, I know his first name was Joe. I think it might have been Joe Liebman or Joe Lieberman. He goes, I'm a storyteller. And I'm like, what?

I'm 19. You know, I know everything. And he goes, I'm going to tell you the story. It's a room full of 19 year olds. He goes, I'm going to tell you the story of the telltale heart. And I go, the fucking Edgar Allan Poe thing? He goes, yeah. I go, you can read it out of a book?

He goes, well, you sit down and I'm going to tell you this story. So I go, okay. And I'm looking around and we're like, what the fuck is this guy going to do. He starts telling the story. The whole thing, you know, the guy's got the body, the detectives are there at the kitchen table, he's got the body buried under the floors. He's freaking out. He thinks they know and he can fucking hear the heart beating. And then finally, he just screams at the cops at the end. I did it. I did it. Right? When he screams, everyone, including me, jumped. And I thought this fucking guy got me. How did he get me? How the fuck did this guy get

me? So he goes, all right, I'm going to, next class is coming in. And so I, We're all leaving and I go, are you going to tell the next class the same story? He goes, yeah. I go, can I stay? And he goes, absolutely. So this time, I watched the audience as he told the story. And everyone, arms crossed, legs crossed, pouty, guys elbowing their friends, this fucking jackass, right? And then the arms uncross, the legs uncross, the posture starts to slouch.

Then they're leaning in, fucking hands on their faces, wrapped attention, anxiety. They couldn't fucking believe it. He screamed again. Everyone fucking jumped. He got him back to back. Story was about 20 minutes long. I couldn't fucking believe it. It was a pivotal moment of my life.

To answer you, like, when did I know? When did I watch a guy do it? It's the difference between Stephen Tyler coming and telling a story and a professional. It's the guy that can make people at work laugh and the comedian. Like to be a real legit storyteller, I've studied preachers, pimps, cops for, Marines for command presence, theater, second city, acting classes, voice classes, all of that stuff, the nuance, watch the greats, how to create a narrative that blasts right through you, grabs you by the fucking heart, and drags you towards me. That's what I want to do. That's what, that's the best that I'm searching for. We got some North Hollywood shit going out on the corner. Fuck yeah. It's interesting because you guys were talking about podcasts earlier and I firmly believe that, Similar to something that we've talked about with comedy before is that there's going to be different kinds of podcasts.

There's going to be podcasts of stories. There's podcasts with improv. And it's something similar to what you're going through. Like everyone, like this all comedy and this and that comedy, but you have 20 years of experience telling, like keeping people's interest. So now that you're going to maybe not only funny stories, you're still going to be years ahead of like an author who wants to read their books. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. So I'm trying to fold that in and see what that looks like. And the first, because I just finished a book, right? So October 1st, I handed in my memoir, right? Took me longer than I cared to write, but I had all those other things going on. And now I'm in the process of rewriting that. That's all I'm doing. I have two pitches. And if those go, that'll be great. But all I'm focusing on is this memoir. So I'm taking all the 20 years, 20 years of stand-up, acting gigs, improv stuff, all of it. And hopefully this book gets published in 2017. And then I'm, I'm going to, I tour the book in theaters, and I will perform the stories that are in the fucking book. You get to come see them live.

You walk out into the lobby. You can get a copy, take a picture with you, get the book, discount it at the shows. I'm going to do all of it. I'm working with the editor and the agent right now. She actually just emailed me. The first round of notes are coming out on the 21st. She's going to mail them to Chicago because I'm going to be in Chicago the 19 through the 29. And that's it.

That's all I'm focusing on is this fucking book to make the best that I can do. My personal best, this book, put it out and tour that book. Now, will it be in stores, or do you, are you playing on the e-book in it? What is your strategy for this book? She's fairly confident. I have a literary agent in New York that read the first draft. She's like, I'm in. She used to be an editor.

She's going to, we're going to do the book in thirds. So the notes on the first third are coming out to 21st. She'd probably take me about a month to turn around. So three months from now, early 2017, should have a draft ready to send a, out to publishers and set up. And then whatever their time frame is, but she's very confident that she could set it up somewhere. She's happy with the way that it was written.

And I would love, that's a dream come true, man, to walk into a bookstore. And see a book on a shelf. I mean, are you fucking that? To me, if I'm being totally fucking honest, if I let all this go of what I really, really wanted since I was a kid, was to write, right? I've always been writing. And I love, sometimes I get to perform what I wrote. Other times people just get to read it.

I send it out. But that to me It had been the dream to be a published author Since I was fucking third grade Writing stories We had a great hustle Me and this kid Mikeona

We would get copy paper From the office at the school And we would do comic books And write but include the kids In the school And the teachers We'd sell them for a quarter But because we included them

We sold more Because they wanted to see What they were up to that week It was a great It's a great idea It's a great fucking concept More kids should be doing that now In schools

That's the way to get fucking real writing and fucking coloring experience. Nah, I believe you got to shut the door before another one opens, and a lot of people don't believe that concept. You know, listen, man, as fucked up as this sounds, I have an out for this stand-up game. You know, I have an out when I want to really start being around my child. Absolutely. And now I could do what I want.

I got two years until she has to be in the first grade, but I have two years to make a decision. I would still continue to do the podcast. I'd still continue to write. I try to get myself like a magazine job, maybe writing articles or some piecework. I really don't give a fuck. It's just that the stand-up game for me

takes a lot of my fucking time. But this is the game I chose. And this is the level I've gotten to how I don't have no fucking idea. It just, I kept working on it and believing in it. And I'm going to play this hand out, but there's an out. You know, I'd love to be Don Rickles at night.

The candy. He's playing fun canning club. Yeah, the canning club, you know, but I need a fucking out. There's got to be an out to make me happy. Yeah. I've always had a dream of living in a fucking regular little redneck community and maybe getting a fucking job at a truck store with good old boys. And if I sell four months, four trucks a month, I make my nut, you know.

I don't need to kill myself. You know, there was a time when I understood the value of killing yourself for what you believe in and your home and stuff, I don't believe in those values anymore. I don't have them. I've switched them to more of a family type thing, you know, where I'd rather take that energy

and spend it with my family. My firm belief when I got married was that the man went out and worked fucking 14 hour days and we put away money and we had all this and we supplied a household and shit like that. And you did that till? You fucking, yeah, yeah.

I tell you when. I'll tell you when to do that because I could see myself doing that as a young married guy and that's why that relationship didn't work that on top of a lot of other things but now when it's time to work for me it's time to work Thursday morning comes along

fuck you and the horse you rode up on I'm on a fucking plane this is what I enjoy and the way out my wife we got the house the car you know my wife doesn't have to work which means more in the world to me than anything especially at this time right now where the baby's at

if I don't have a child my wife would be working more than fucking me. I'd whip that mules because them bitches could work, Jack. You know, but no, no, no. And I tell her all the time. I mean, I just had an interesting thing. When I first moved up here and my wife,

you know, when you have a child, you obtain different friends. And they're out of their fucking mind up here. You know what I'm saying? The friends you meet in this area here with parents, parents are totally out of their mind. We became friends with them, chit-chatted, The dinner with the children. The children played.

She's very nice. He's really cool. He's one of us. She's very nice, but I don't think she knows how crazy this white boy is. I mean, he's out of this fucking mind. He came to one of my shows in New York and hooked up with my buddies, and they disappear for an hour. They went to get a package. I'm like, he does packages.

I think this guy that was a nicest white dude in America. Anyway, you know, he's an actor, like a theater actor and a small role. and but a lot of voiceovers. He's part of that voiceover. Exactly. So we were talking one day, like, after we knew him for two years and all, and then they're like, did we tell you we're moving back to New York? What are you doing?

I'm not. And they're like, yeah, we're moving back for New York. The careers for him or better in New York. And I'm listening to all this, and I'm looking at their lives here. They're at the park every day. Yeah, yeah. She flies on the weekends. She's a photographer.

Gotcha. Like a well-known wedding photographer, like loot. Oh, there's a lot of money. Yeah, like, you want to go to Hawaii. Like, they don't even give a fuck when she throws them her number. She does two of those a month, and they can live like doctors. And now we just got a note. They're coming back.

You know, and I'm like, my wife is like, what do you think about that? Do you think I'm fucking surprised? Do you think I'm fucking surprised? I'm fucking New York. When you look at me, you're like that dude from New York. I can't look like any New York, Israel, or some guerrilla phone. him fucking let them on the loose when you look at me there's only three places

I can fucking be from okay I love New York City am I lonely to hang out with my fucking friends at night fuck yeah by now let's Lee would have got shot twice twice he would have shot once in the shoulder and one in the leg one for ordering something bad at a restaurant

because my buddies don't accept that shit we don't order shitty food at restaurants and two for asking for ranch or some salangbuck sauce to order my friend My buddies with a shot up in the fucking shoulder right now. Like, don't bring this guy no more. He can't, you know.

There's a lot of things I miss about New York City. I'm lonely at times. I can do a lot more stand-up at night. Yeah. But I go to myself, that's a hard life compared to what I'm doing out here. We got the podcast. We don't have to drive in traffic. I was in Edgewater.

That's where they live, an Edgewater. I was in Edgewater one night. You know when you open your curtains at the hotel. Like, I opened the curtains. I looked outside at 615. The traffic didn't move. I fucking opened my thing, rolled a joint, licked it. I was just watching the traffic.

I was, you know, like when you do like, let me roll three joints for the night. It's a little early, but I'm not entertained by this traffic. I can't imagine living here. I told my wife, I forgot an audition. Okay? Got an audition. I had to be in the city the next day.

Let's pretend it was a 10 for the Uber. Yeah. Then it's 18 for both ways to go over in the fucking ferry, okay? That's nine each way. Joey, could you got a little cheaper? Yeah, maybe five for the bus, okay? So maybe 10. When I got to the city again, I Uber.

There was a 20 there and another 20. They go from CAA to the fucking ferry back. So what you're telling me is I dropped fucking 70, and that was without any nourishment or a newspaper. I lied. I got a hot dog and a fucking whatever. And now you're a C note out the door. You're in New York City.

You're dropping all fucking day. Yeah. I ain't saying nothing to you Lee. Am I cheap with you? Do I love you, Lee? Do I am I spontaneous of you? Do we give a fuck? Do we have a budget, Lee?

Do we even live like that? Do we say those words? No. There's days. I don't have cash for five fucking days because you use a stupid ATM car. What do we go? 7-Eleven? I don't do shit.

There's days I go home and look at my account and go, Joey, you got to go out there and spend something. And then I thought it's the weed store. I'll take a $100 on our cash advance for weed. But besides that, I went to the, York and I looked at the cash I spent in three days in New York and I don't do that guys

you know me I eat Cuban food at the wrong restaurant at Chinese food at the town's the name of the fucking Chinese Cuban place Trans dragging and oh the Cuban steak joint I went to no you said there was a Cuban Chinese place yeah like I did that but look at this did you hear that oh yeah

trust me he's about to show you he has the full menu on his phone look at this look at this and Lee knows pop up the fuck around Lee knows. Leenones. If you want to fuck around. Use the menu and the combo number next to it.

Go hang out with your buddies if you want to fuck around. But look at this. Just done. And I show this to you because, again, I don't want you to say fuck. Joey's fucking crazy, dog. He don't do dick. You don't. And while you're looking for it.

Look at this. Two Cuban sandwiches steak. Two Cuban steak sandwiches. A milkshake. A milkshake. What kind of milkshake? A papaya. Mabe.

What? two Cuban steak sandwiches, a milkshake, and two fucking diet sodas. 21-50, okay? You know, you look at this and you go, out here, it's 21. Look at the Cuban steak sandwich. What did they cook the fries with the fucking beef? That's been there for 30 years. Salado, Papa's Fried Salado?

With a little bit of a meal. With some fucking hot sauce. You have no idea who you fucking with. You know what I'm saying? Look at the roll, too. Look at the roll. Look at this here. Oh, no, no.

Look at this. look at this shit here this is enough look at this fucking what is this oh that's the steak of the exit fucking that original Joe I'll show that in there most people post these on Instagram shout out to I just went to Los Balcones

the place I told you about that Peruvian spot on Vine and de la Prine oh you motherfucker right down the block from Gotham perfect when they got a fucking look at the strombolies oh fucking strombolies they hit him in the oven for about five minutes yeah melt that little cheese I even got this motherfucker

pepperoni roll and I took a bite of it a long distance on Paris calzone with the little ricotta Yeah a little regard to the fucking thing I don't know I just give it up I'm not gonna get it here so I just live my life And I accept it's the rub It's the what's the what? Well that's the rub

You're out here you gotta You know you pick your poisons out here But you're not it's never ever ever ever ever ever going to be back home And then you can't go back Like I go back now it's a different city It's a different city I can't, I would go to, like I told my mom, I'd go, listen, I could have got a wild bug in my ass, came back, told Blue Smoke up here ass, cost a bunch of money, carried these cats across the fucking country in a car shivering the whole fucking time to move to New York, association fees, traffic.

Yeah. You know, I live here to avoid all that. Yeah. I surround my day to avoid all this shit. We also live in a place where people shout on for many years in L.A., the Valley, the Valley. Oh, you live in the Valley, the Valley. Now everyone's moving to the fucking Valley. It's the only way to go.

I got everything I need up here. Let me get some shoutouts. I got everything I fucking need. Bobby and Crystal down there. We're going to see them in Houston next week. Lee's coming down to the fucking coming get it festival on the 18th. Shad Reese, Jesse Shaw, Gino Roblesz, David Kirkpatrick, Lee James, Amy Cleans up nicely.

And my main lover, Martha. How's that one for you and shit? You know what I'm saying? No, I love I like people I talked in And every once in their life They cut

It's called cutting the fat out of your life And people never accept it But you have to do it for the right reasons You have to know when to close that door And you have to know when to be honest It yourself, you know Someone from New York's calling right now I mean I figure how

I figure how to fuck people When they go home and go You know what This acting's been enough for me I've had a great time. I'm moving back to Iowa. I'm going to take all my dad's butchery. I'm going to live like a human fucking being.

And it's times that I have that dream. Yeah. I just don't have a dad with a butchery. You know. The business day and down. I don't have a grandma that owns a flower shop that's dying to sell it. You know, some fucking some little bum town that has a small community. And everybody knows everybody.

You know, when I went to Chicago, one thing I did notice about Rosemont and the community is out of there is that there's a sort of respect, people. know each other. I mean, we went to get the steak sandwich. What was the name the first day? With Josh. Al's, right? Al's. We went to Al's. Yeah, Al's beef's good. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's so weird. Even the people there were very nice. And Lee

said it. He lost his phone and somebody turned it in. That is, friend in, in Vegas, they threw him out of the hotel. He's like, at least can you put the video on to see who stole my phone? Fuck now, you know. It's a stand-up town. I miss it I miss it a lot

I'm happy for the city because the Cubs won Oh my God I mean it's just fucking great Oh my fucking God When today The black pitcher And the manager

We got assassinated Oh yeah With the glasses on like that Here I can already see Rick red little dots on it Towards the end of the game He had a sniper up there And fucking on one of the cross the street rooms

That was prepared He already got the call from the Janano brothers Like the two Escobars That fucking documentary. As soon as they lose, shoot that motherfucker right in the eyeball. Like the guy and the godfather, when he put his glasses on, he was standing there. He looked goofy as fuck with those glasses on. He pulled that dude and then put the big black dude on.

And the black dude knew his fate, too. Did you see him? Oh, yeah, he was fried. He was done. Chapman was shot. He didn't smile till they took the lead. Until then, he was sitting that thing going, who do I leave my car stereo to and shit? I spent 30 G's on that motherfucker.

You ain't just going to shoot. He knew they were going to put him in the room with the kid who made the catch. That kid disappeared. They got him in a room somewhere. They're still smacking them. Today they finally let him go and they gave water in the sandwich. They go, listen, it's going to be all right. We're just kidding.

How long ago was that? Which one? Oh, Bartman. Oh, that was 2002, I think. Or four, 2004. 2004. There's some crazy guy in Chicago. Got him in a big chair right now.

And every day during training season, he kicks him. And every time the Cubs lose, he just kicks him and shit. And one last night that this morning the guy came down with like eggs and breakfast and flowers. The kid's like, what was that Korean movie where the guy was locked in the room for fucking 30 years? Remember that? And Josh Brolin just did the remake with Spike Lee directing. That was it they admitted. He was a fucking lock that white kid kick him every day.

Today was his day. Today was his lucky day. Guess what? The Cubs won. What year is it? He's like that Vietnam vet Rambo saved. His beard down to his street. Yeah, and the guy was like, what year is it?

1985. The guy just looks around the room and shit. Brian Denny, he opens the door in the sheriff's outfit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That poor kid. That poor fuck. Do you think there's a chance he still lives in Chicago?

I think he was like, no. He had to move to Europe. Did he really? Yeah, they published his, uh, they published his work address and home address in both papers. And they had to have, uh, police cars in front of this house for like a year. That is a 30-30 about it. That is fucking crazy.

I know, yeah. That is crazy. That kid deserved every kick, every punch he was about to get that poor kick. They had to cover him in coats. There's YouTube footage of them getting him out of Wrigley. And knuckle-headed second from the left on the evolutionary chart, Chicagoans are like, is that the fucking guy? Is that the guy? And they're trying to get to him.

And undercover cops are like whacking these drunk motherfuckers to get him off. Well, they had to make like a escape. Yeah. They covered him in coats. Oh, my God. Yeah, people take their sports seriously, man. Crazy. If they were the lost last night after they had the lead,

because I called Lee, and I knew, this is still a grand slam away. Yeah. And all of some pop, and I go, oh, no. Yeah. It's six to fuck up. And then they really threw that juice salt into the fucking scab.

They threw a rain delay at you. That's the kiss of death right there. That's the kiss of death because the game has to shut off at 1 a.m. But if there's a rain delay, they will substitute that time so the game could go till if they rained Oh, I didn't know that. Game shut off at 1.

You do know that because 1 o'clock Chicago time is 2 a.m. and fucking the East Coast. Yeah. I know this because when I was a child, there was a fucking game that went on until fucking 92 innings. Started at 7.30 and at 1 in the fucking morning. They're still playing out there. And they had to cancel the game

and it opens up the next day as a tie. So it becomes a double header. I wonder what they would do it. They would have to just play the game seven of the World Series. I don't think that'd be crazy if they did that. If it wasn't for that rain delay, I think the Cubs would have lost because the momentum was so heavy on the Cleveland side. So heavy that they had shut the Cubs down top of the 9th, going into the bottom of the 9th. Cleveland was ready, ready to get someone on base, ready to score.

And that rain delay just shut everything down. Cleveland was hot, ready to win the fucking World Series, shut down. pause button. Hayward rallies everybody, calls a meeting in the middle of the rain delay. Hayward's been struggling the entire series and made his salary, earned his spot on that team by giving everyone a motivational rally speech during the delay that calmed everybody down and shifted the momentum. And I think it was three up, three down, or they might have had somebody on first in the bottom of the ninth. And then the Cubs went on the tear, top of the 10th and Cleveland never caught up. But if it wasn't for that rain delay, I really believe the Cubs would have lost.

what are you thinking when they tied it? Because I come from Boston. I still remember. Oh, same thing you felt. I still remember. Well, here's the thing. I was, because Joey told me that you were coming on,

and I was thinking about what I went through in 2004. And I was, I was excited. I think it was like a freshman in high school. And it was like the big cowboy up thing. It was huge. But I don't want to say I'm jealous, but I was only 17,

something like that. I can't imagine the, the euphoria of like a Grandparent like I saw like I've been watching videos all day of like grandpassing and I saw this guy went and drove to Indiana to listen to it with his father's Gravesite yeah and I was just like that I almost feel like I got jipped out of it a little bit because I had only really been like interested in the Red Sox yeah, yeah, what maybe 10 years? Yeah, like it had the how long could I really be involved in it? Yeah, so like everyone else was excited I went to the parade I wore my parade shirt yesterday in support of the Cubs from 04 but I can't imagine being your age or 80 or whatever. My age are 80. There's obviously a lot in between.

Yeah. It means a lot because I watch the Cubs lose a lot. And it's the, I think for a long time before the Ricketts bought the Cubs and hired Theo Epstein from, you know, the turn. It's unbelievable. That guy's never going to, I mean, to bring both Boston and the Cubs in the World Series championship is incredible managerial. and leadership skills. But I think like if you have a last place team or a team that's always struggling and you're still selling out the jerseys and you still sell out every game, there's very little

motivation to win. The type of cutting edge, biting, you know, really dominant wanting to win that you need, not that you need struggle, but you know that that really like deep, deep, deep down within you desire to win. It's very difficult to have that when they're not spending the money, which they did. They brought up their farm system, which they did. Why would you do that if you're getting paid and you're losing? The management isn't going to do anything about that.

When Ricketts bought the team, I think the whole idea was he was a fan of Cubs baseball, lived across the street from the stadium, loved the team, and loved to win. Brought Theo Epstein on to create a culture of winning. And that's what you need. Not lovable losers. That was the moniker of the team. Lovable losers. I mean, how the fuck are you going to win

until you completely change that mindset? And I think that's what they did, starting with their AAA system and bringing up and nurturing winners. It's fascinating. I mean, I'm fascinated with that. You said you made some mistakes in your 20s, 30s, a little bit in your 40s.

Me too. I'm fascinated with science. I made a mistake yesterday by not betting fucking Chicago. That's the mistake I made right there. We made mistakes not bad. It was like $500 to $100 to $1. I should have dropped $200 just to watch the fucking game.

Yeah. It's amazingly that I checked. And I said, one of the games this week. And they said, game six is Tuesday. I don't know what day it was. Maybe Sunday somebody asked me or Monday. And I said, what is the game 7? Thursday?

And they go, no, Wednesday. I go, done. Like in my mind, I'm done. Yeah. Done. When they won Tuesday, Wednesday, I walked around all day. And I've got to be honest You motherfuckers, man

I just thought about being 10 And going to see The Mets play there are Reds And when Pete Rose beat up Butterharrows And I thought about being younger than that And my mom, you know, I was six When the Mets won the championship in New York And, you know, just walking up and down

With my mom And I thought about those memories I thought about when Pittsburgh won I thought about One of the Big Red Machine One of the worst world series of my life that to this day I preach it to Cincinnati Reds against

Boston Red Sox to me A great series for many reasons You know for Carlton Fisk Hitting the home run for just the excitement With it you know staying up and my mom calling me going You gotta go to bed at 10 fuck you And hanging up on it and fucking staying up till midnight To watch the Reds and Johnny Bench

And just to Rose man Just to have that thing as a child This weekend baseball on Saturday mornings with Johnny Bench Remember that? Yes. A little before you're timely, but... Oh, my God, just the feeling of being a kid, and when they showed the camera of the guy with his son last night,

I had a nervous breakdown. He's going to remember that forever. That little kid is going to remember that until his 60, until he takes his son to see them win again, hopefully the next 185 years. Oh, but don't think... You know, the honesty about both those two teams, and I hate talking a lot of sports on the show,

but they demand their respect. today is that they're both great teams like the guy said last night. They're both going to be there for the next three or four years Cleveland played like savages. And they're young, that little young Puerto Rican kid. Oh my God. That she'll Lark, that bombed the left.

And I love their manager Terry Francona. Yeah. It's, I haven't watched baseball in a while. It's just, I even called, Joey called it like the fourth inning. I said I was bored. And I don't know what, if I don't have a team in the race, I kind of check out. But after I went and I went and I made dinner and I came back at like the sixth inning. And I started

watching and they showed the clip. The clip that got me was when Dave Ross and Anthony Rizzo were talking and Anthony Rizzo was like, I can't control my emotion. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, like you're what, like 21? And then I just, they said he beat cancer and now he's like an MVP and now he he can't control his emotions. And like that's like, that's when I checked in and like the sixth inning because then that's like the best time to go watch baseball they suck you in and listen man you think i was following chicago in june you want me to tell you that i knew chicago is when i went in june do you want me to tell you that i thought cleveland was the team in june i wish i got those psychic powers but no i wasn't cheering for a fucking team like that yeah i was

cheering for what i was watching for america i was cheering for fucking because that's what i grew up on that was the bible october is baseball bible i don't give a fuck what plans you got there was no way I was doing a podcast last night. There was no way just out of respect to me. Like the day, I'll do a podcast on Christmas while they're stabbing Jesus while Jesus is coming out of the womb before I do a fucking podcast on fucking during

the World Series. I don't give a fuck about the NBA basketball. I really don't give a fuck about football because of the halftime show. Baseball, they've kept it pure. There's no halftime show. There wasn't a section of celebrities you know, beside Bill Murray and I accept that motherfucker because he's been

there since day one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As goofy as he is with his jacket, that's what it does to people. Yeah. This is your team. And I sit here every fucking week and I get mad at Lee that I don't have a team. Like, I didn't have stock of the team. Take the Cubs.

Take the Cubs. I can't. I can't take the Cubs now because now they're going to look at me and go, you fucking train. No, no. Yeah. That's the city. You just did your special there. That's how beautiful the city is, man.

You know, like take the team. I wish I could be a fan of the Dodgers. There's something about the Dodgers that bother me completely. I like them. I like watching them. I watch games at night. If I'm home for an hour, I watch three innings of a Dodger game.

You know, I wish I had a team so I could have a part of that in my life, you know? You don't follow the Mets? No. That's the thing. I lose respect for people when they tell me they switch teams. Well, yeah, me too.

You just can't. You should just give it a chance, man. It's one of the funnest teams to be a fan. You know what happened to me when I was a fan? I didn't like how involved and how personal I took shit. I can't deal with that shit. No.

Yeah. No. I can't believe how involved and how personal I took shit. I don't like that because at the end of the day, it's a fucking sports team. Why am I crying? Why am I throwing shit? Why am I kicking TVs? I had one jersey in my life.

Why is the dog not breathing? Yeah. I had one jersey in my life. I had a jersey of the Sixers in 1976 when Julius Irving played. I wouldn't take it out of it. At Jersey be worth about three grand right now. I wouldn't take it out of the house. I wouldn't sweat on it.

I would just put it on when I was home, especially I would watch it with a lake of game. When I was watching the sixth game by myself, I'd watch this fucking thing. And we had this retarded kid that lived right behind me. It was just this fucking birthday a couple months ago. Somebody called me and said, we'd like to you to fly out and do fucking comedy

for this Googoot's birthday, Jimmy Bianco. I said, what Jimmy Biancoe are you talking about? The one that lived on Charles Court, they go, yeah, tell that motherfucker, I never want to see that cuck sucker again. We were kids. He was half-retarded. He had got hit in the head with a fucking brick or something. He'd walk around and give predictions.

And sometimes people would punch him. Like he was one of those guys, he had a long hand, a beard. And sometimes people would punch him in the head. I wasn't a boy. And he'd shit two golden coins. Like, people would punch him and shit like, Jimmy, get the fuck out of here, you know? And one day, I kind of became friends of Jimmy. He would talk.

I would shoot hoops in my backyard. He would come to his fence. And I gave him some love. I mean, who the fucking am I to turn down somebody? And I talked to him about this or that. But he was really, like, for a nerd, he was very sports-oriented. And somebody told me that when you make a bet, talk to Jimmy Bianco. He's got super...

Oh, he's reading the stats and shit. He's got supernatural powers and shit. So I played him for a couple times. Jimmy, what he got tonight? He was, oh, oh, yes, yes, yes. Tonight the Sixers are giving six. And I just look at the paper, and he would fucking win. This went on for, like, fucking a year.

This cocksucker long-hand hippie was like 21-1. And here I am sitting here fucking stealing bikes with Valentin and, robbing my stepfather. I could have been making a mint with this fucking moron. So Julius Irving joins the fucking Sixers. And guess what? He becomes a Sixer fan. So me and him talk Sixers all the time.

He knows stats. He knows body types. He knows biarrhythms. I mean, he's hit me from every direction. Fucking, he tells me one day, the Sixers are in the finals against the Portland Trailblazers. And he's telling me the Sixers and Sixers. Sixers and six

And he like I was done I went upstairs I took every dollar I could I robbed my stepfather I took pennies from Santhalazaro I took quarters I sold everything I could And I put a grand fortune

Of like $750 When I'm in the seventh grade I'm the fucking sixes Because Jimmy Bianco Plus I had a deal I was on a bumming on the yardstick From my mom

And throw that on game six This motherfucker six has come out the box jack two and oh sweeping this motherfucker i'm over there about to suck jimmy bianco's dick and shit because jimmy bianco fucking knows scores this guy's fucking money do you know they lost in game six till this day i have not talked to jim bianco because it wasn't just a bet it was my team yeah yeah like he ruined it for me like he ruined my team since seventh grade you haven't said hello Fuck that bum and my mother was furious because I gave some of the info to my mom She bet all the dough

She bet 10 G's she was like Tell that motherfucker not to lay on the fence with his long hippie hair and shit Wait wait wait you gave your mom betting advice in seventh grade Oh yeah I told her the psyche told me fucking the sex is in And all my mother just tell that story at his birthday party and then go so fuck you and your mother All my mother needed was a push to gamble do you understand I came from a gambling house. Cubans are gambling people.

So when I told them, and I remember like six people bet that we were all watched basketball before. I had eight Cubans in my house watching basketball, cheering for these, jumping up and down for fucking people saying little things. From like a 13-year-old.

Your friends are fucking bum. He's going to lose. Six strangers who don't even know how the game went. You fucking beat the game. You believed him. I was fucking furious. I never got over Jimmy Bianco and shit. Until this day,

I wouldn't even fucking the six is in six. I was so fucking excited. I ripped that fucking six of Jersey, too. It would have been nice to make five prop bets to bet the Cubs to win over the last, say, four years, a grand every year. Because it had to be 15, 16 to 1. Lose 4 grand, come in at 15, 20,000. That's the bet that I regret not making. Because I saw you all the time on the flight in Vegas.

I go for every UFC fight that's there and just take a prop bet like two years from now. What are the odds? Ask the bookmaker. What are the odds of the Cubs are going to go to the World Series next year? Just bet three years out straight. G each year. You're going to get paid. Doesn't every fucking gambler say that?

If you get hit by a fucking car in the third year, you weren't getting dicked, all right? And your wife forgot about putting the bed in. You didn't even know you put the bed in. So the odds will not have the fucking window. I'm really happy for this city of Chicago. Yeah. You know, Bob Link is his dad. They're all Chicago Cup friends.

It's crazy. I think that White Sox fan. I think that White Sox friends. You've got to be careful with Chicago. Chicago people. Because if you get some fucking roughnecks from the South Side, they take that white socks seriously. Cross-town classic, man. I bet those motherfuckers must be pissed.

They were. My brother-in-law is a diehard socks fan. You couldn't even fucking, we were on a group text. He started fucking yelling at everybody. Yeah, that's south side Chicago people. That voodoo didn't work. You know what I'm saying? They cut chicken heads.

I was going to ask. They stabbed the goat. Is that a Malook area? That's a Malook area. They put the Malook on fucking on Chicago and they still won. Not listen, man, like I said, for me, the basketball went downhill. You know, football, the Super Bowl is a great thing. I just don't like what they've done to it over the years and who shows.

Yeah, I don't like that. Yeah. But listen, when we did the special in Rosemont, the planes were backed up that day. October 14th, October 13th, they canceled the flight, plus the planes were delayed. Now, I don't know if you fucking know this. You could get to Chicago. That's the least proud of your problems If somebody ever comes to you and says

You gotta go to Chicago No worries There's 92 flights a day Yeah To Chicago Every airline will drop you off Even people's experience Even the spirit

Will put you in a fucking anti-dump bag And dump you over fucking O'Hara And you land on a trampoline And shit For fat people You could always get to Chicago How busy was that Chicago Wing that day

Our friend had a 1 o'clock flight Didn't get into L.A. into Chicago until 10. Because they were delayed all day. The plane, there was no first class tickets, no upgrades, no nothing. I asked the owner of the club, one of the owners, though, with a manager at Rosemont,

I said, man, and it was a nightmare getting in. She goes, my friend's having the same problem. She goes, the problem is, whenever Chicago goes into these playoffs, people fly in just to be here. When I heard that, when I heard that, when I heard that, it was like, it makes sense.

I would have fucking fly. And I totally to stay. I almost did. Lee, right now you could have been telling your friends you saw the Cubs the year they won the champion. See what I'm saying? You fucked it up again. Another mission. Another mission you fucked up.

Look, with your blue shirt on. You have your Chicago Cubs shirt on today. You got to have it on. Like, I was, that's all I was thinking about last night. I was like, I have to go see the Red Sox. At some point in my life when they're in the World Series and they could, like, I want to be at a game seven, at a game. Whenever they have a chance to win, but it's fucked up.

You said that the Sixers lost. I don't remember. I vaguely remember watching the Red Sox win, but I remember vividly the year before when Tim Wakefield got a homer off of him by Aaron Boone. Like the year before, 03, they were playing the Yankees, and the Yankees won in, like, game seven, in New York. Aaron Boone hit a home run off of Tim Wakefield,

and I just remember I was sitting on the floor of my mother's bedroom and just like that walk back to my bedroom. That's something fucked up about me. I remember the Patriots losing to the Giants with the stupid helmet catch. I remember, but I don't really remember the good stuff. I just remember being happy and excited. All of the losses, I remember, like, vividly. Yeah?

It's fucking weird. That helmet catch was terrible. You were fucking whacking through this guy. You said that I'm dealing? You don't remember, like, remember, like, obviously you do. Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah. I remember.

I remember. I just remember sitting there watching the Mets. play Baltimore Orioles when they beat him in the World Series. I think it was Baltimore. I still remember coming home. I stormed him in Pittsburgh Pirates in the World Series. With Candelaria and Willie Stard Jill. We are family.

They're doing blow and shooting steroids and shit. Who's the guy that took the acid? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Doc Boone, Doc Willis. Doc Willis, yeah. Just you remember all that stuff from baseball. And like I said, it's a shame that I don't have like a blanket with a team on it or you know i don't have that no more like i don't have any stock in a team you know

if i like a team i'll watch it but i'm the type of guy that's too embarrassed to go get a hat because then people go and it's true you're a fucking you just jump on the bandwagon and shit brother uh congratulations i'm bringing the podcast back thank you i'm happy you came in today and visited us yeah thanks for having me guys yeah no we wanted a fucking talk to i wanted somebody from chicago in here today just to talk about whether they want a loss just to talk about the reaction and see what it was like. I know you're, I called you right away. I've been thinking about everybody from Chicago the last week going,

I wonder what the fuck they're thinking. You know, it's, uh, I can't imagine that city today. I can't imagine what that city's going to be like this weekend because it's not going to stop. No, are you going to fly back for the parade? You should. I mean, I don't know what if you can afford it.

No, no, you ain't going to fuck. The parade's important. Killers don't go to parade. Yes, you do. That's for half of fags like you. They're going to parade. Eat popcorn and a fucking hot dog with ketchup pot and some shit. Catch a.

You don't forget you. Yes, he does. No, I know I don't. Yes, he does. I put mustard. I always spilled it on my shirt, and so I can't put anything on it. So, but, no, not every year, but after 108 years, can you imagine? There's going to be a million people.

Oh, yeah. A million pick pockets. Fuck it. Don't bring your wallet. You don't need your wallet. You're going to be fucking people, no. Watch it on TV. Go to Chicago for parade.

Is he a fucking half a fruit cake? Absolutely he is. He should. He's going to float dancing and shit with a bikini on. What the fuck's the matter with you? That's what people who really believe the high. We don't go to parades. We don't go to parades.

Number one, I want to talk to you people about something important. We only tell you what's important right now in your life for the holidays, a fucking bidet. You know why? Because bidetes are back. You're like Joey, you've been here talking about badees. What the fuck are you talking about? They're devices that spray your muffler clean with water.

You understand me? I grew up with a bidet in my house. Tremendous. Now, thanks to Tush. sleek bidet that clips on to your existing toilet. That's right. It clips on to your existing toilet and sprays your butt completely solid clean

with fresh water to get your muffler clean so you're not sitting on bacteria, causing hemorrhoids, yeast infections, and just plain old rotten ass. You understand me? You've had rotten ass and you sit queer and it blows out of the back of your belt and out of tight. The whole room smells like rotten ass.

Trust me, it's happened to me. Not since I've had the hello Tushy fucking bidetys. And badees are better for the environment. No paper, more trees, capish. And it only takes a pint of water to wash your little muffler, okay? Tushy stands behind their product. This ain't no fucking okey-doke-dug product.

If it can handle Uncle Joey's asshole, and my fucking weight, it can handle your skinny little muffler, right? And they've got a 60-day guarantee. Plus, they got towels coming out that you put right next to you and you wipe your little muffler, spotless. And let me tell you something. It don't stop there with your muffler. Why be your pig? If you're a woman,

dip that monkey in that fucking water. Revitalize that motherfucker. If you're a man, listen, when I tushy my muffler, I just don't tushy my muffler. I wipe the sides. I clean out the nuts behind that fuck. That's what the mildew develops. And I pull the skin back on the turtleneck to get my helmet wash and clean.

Why walk around with a clean ass and a stinky dick or vice versa? You understand me? Go to hellotushy.com right now. I'm going to give you 10% off on this stocking stuffing stocking stuffer okay because number one Anybody can give you a fucking tie or a wrist watcher a knife you give somebody a fucking portable Biday in their stocking and see what happened who's the most popular fucking man at that party from now on But don't believe me go to hello Tushy hello with a capital H tushy.com right now slash church you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna give you 10% off your order okay

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it's going to blow your mind go to honor dot com and press church boom c h u r c h and get 10% off your first order delivered to your first fucking Casa. Let me talk to you people about something from the heart. Let me get the CISO page there. Let me talk to you cocksuckers from the heart right now. It's November 2nd. It's November 3rd, 2nd. Who the fuck knows? All right? He's dropping bottles

this fucking mook over here. Seesot is a new affiliate of NBC, okay? I can blow smoke up your ass and give you speeches or whatnot. Cicos is a new affiliate of NBC. They're going to be carrying fucking. It's going to be the comedy fucking channel to be a part of. I'm very fortunate that they're

going to accept my special and start erring at December 8th what I'm gonna do for you is here's what Uncle Joey's doing for you grab a fucking pen right now all right what I'm gonna do for you is the best thing is it's $3.99 a month okay and that's all great and dandy but I'm what I'm gonna do for you right now is I'm gonna give all my listeners a free two month when you use promo code Joey again promo code Joey a check out I'm gonna give you two free months which will carry you all but the January fucking second you know what that's gonna do You can watch specials.

You can watch Saturday Night Lives. You can watch the original programming, but you can watch Uncle Joey special over, over, over, over, over, over and over again. That's what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to give it to you for free. I'm not going to charge you five bucks like everybody else. I'm not going to, nothing. It's coming out on CISO.

You can put it on your fucking Roku, and you're going to live like a doctor. So do me a favor right now, as personal as friends. I know you're sitting in your fucking cubicle. Grab a pen right now. Grab it. You're going to go to CISO.com right now. now and you're going to sign up two months for free with the promo code Joey

okay you're going to watch other shows like Hidden in America with Jonah Ray and Harmon Quest and take my wife they're all great shows but you're going to do me a fucking solid I don't want to dime on you 399 a month for two fucking months you're not going to pay by using promo code Joey all right and that's it

and that's that cock suckers I love you guys don't forget Wilbertita there's 11 tickets left I don't know you have to sit next to somebody with rotten ass you don't have a day and then uh Saturday I'm at the Foxwood's casino. Listen, it's UFC 205. This is between us.

They're going to play it at the fucking casino. We're going to run out of there, go to a bar with Lee. We're going to get stoned. Then we're going to fucking do a play-by-play on Periscope. I will see you motherfuckers at the Foxwoods Casino. Houston, Texas, you've been asking? I'm giving it to you now. I'm part of the in-and-out.

Come and take it comedy festival in November 18, 19th, and 20th. It's 35 dollars for the day pass, okay? You go down and you pay for the fucking pass? You get to see my show. You get to see Todd Barry. You get to see everybody else on that fucking stage. 35 fucking bucks. It's a festival.

You're going to go to Houston. You're going to eat. Ouki Spooky will be there. Crystal and Jordan will be there. It's going to be a fellow. He'll be there with fucking Rosa. What's it? Paula.

Paula, Rosa. Who the fuck knows anymore? You're like 20 bitches. Anyway, I love you, cock suckers. Me, we're going to be looking forward to your podcast. Shootover, tweet, so I can retweet it for you. Absolutely. Get you back on board.

I love you, Coxuckers. Stay Black. Have a great weekend. And we'll be back Sunday night with Felipe and Silent Bob. We're going to do an all-new jamboree Sunday night. I love you, Coxup. Stay black. This show was brought to you by Hellotushy.com.

Bidays are back. Hellotushy.com makes portable bades that spray your butt clean with water. Go to Hellotushy.com right now and use code word church or go to hellotushy.com slash church to get 10% off of your order. That's hellotushy.com slash church. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use Code Word Church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like Alphabrain, New Mood, Shum Tech Immune, and ShumTechSport. And again, go to CSO.com. That's CISO.com, S-E-E-E-S-O, and get two months for free when you use promo code Joey at checkout.

And don't forget to check out Joey's news special on C-S-S-O on December 8th. C-S-O-com, Code Word Joey. To walk the straight line.