The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #428 - Felipe Esparza and Rodrigo Torres

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

Felipe Esparza, comedian, actor and winner of "Last Comic Standing" season 7; and Rodrigo Torres, comedian and co-host of the "What's Up Fool?"Podcast with Felipe, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.    MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 11/06/2016.
  

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bitches uncle Joey here with his Gumball Lee Syatt Rodrigo Torres and my main man Felipe Sparzo what's up but this is the fucking theme of the show right here 1980s Elbent the leather delivering the fucking goods

cops up oh shit we're ready to kick tonight oh shit everybody's ain't yeah looking for the mansions that are such a ride Here we go, cocksuppers. Ooh, delivering the goods.

Are you kidding me or what? Are you fucking kidding me or what? Judas Priest with a gay singer. He didn't give a fuck, nobody gave a fuck. We knew he was gay, but what are you going to do? I didn't know he was gay, man. I knew he was gay. Something about him, I knew something.

He had the whipped. The leather shit. The first time I saw him, he blew my fucking mind. He blew my fucking mind. I just took it out of the, like I was somewhere else. My mom had just died. I had the ticket. What was I not going to go?

It was like two weeks after my mom died. I go, let me go down there. And I went over to the, I think it was the palladium and everything. It was this tour. It was this tour. And the guy, he came out with a motorcycle, with a whip.

Fucking whipped the stage. And I was like, what the fuck is he doing? The Gay Blade. And then he started singing metal. No, no. was singing hell bent for leather or something and i was just sitting there oh jesus cry i didn't really like him i was a black sabbid dude but after that i went home and i bought the album and it's all over you know what yeah that's some good music right there no it's that's a great album my bad you know what

it was deep deep deep in the closet but like i told people you got check your skeletons from time to time i checked the skeleton and i saw that album and i said fuck it killing machine burning up it's got 20 good green man oleshi it's got a bunch of shit filippe spars it was happening though Oh, man, when Judith Priest came out, man, I went to wear leather and those beads. I used to go to Melrose, man, and try to chop lift those little bands to wear. Oh, yeah, man.

I don't know. He was gay, though, man. JP, baby. I used to have the hat, Judas Priest, and the whole thing. But all those years, I went to see him. The first three or four times I went to see him. It was a movie theater.

They just destroyed a movie theater. Death Leopard destroyed a movie theater. They destroyed a movie theater. Now, Then I got into arenas. They said, fuck, let's take this to arenas. Who gives the fuck what it sounds like? You know what I'm saying?

So that, but I want to see them, priest, Iron Maiden, with the original Singapore, Deano. Oh, damn. Killer's record. Yeah, it was a movie theater, you know? So what are you going to do? Who gives a fuck? At the end of the day, when I'm going to casket,

he's thinking about ACDC? No. There was this guy, I met a little Native American kid named Dean. He was Native American. Pima Papa go, shout out. This fool had all the Iron Maiden album, bro. He had, and he was a little nerdy kid, a little dirty kid. But I was his friend, he was Felipe, you know, I have Iron Maiden albums. Yeah? So I went to his house, bro, and we played

every album, man. Run to the hills and all that shit. How many hours is the other one? Just one? I think just that first one, killers, right? Because the rest of it's Bruce Dickinson. Bruce Dickinson's first. Run to the hills. Yeah, and then I, because, I mean, the only one I really know is peace of mind. Then they had like, you know, son of the seven son and shit, but all those fucking, you know, I was too. I was gone. by that I was strong to blow on I don't need the seven son I brought us pay Pabiano comes on tour and does that whole record killer live on the home band still gave a hell too many came I that that's the album I was like what the Indians

getting chased well yeah man run to the hill no that's the number of the beast that's the second out man we had we had this crazy teacher named mr. roots in English class and that he said everybody bring your favorite album and And then this crazy long hair dude from the Stoner's 13, he brought an Iron Maiden number of the Beast. And the first song we played was The White Man Came. Man, we broke down that album, and he was like an old school hippie teacher from Ken High School where they shot that kid at that Kent University in Ohio. Yeah, he was there. He was at that college.

So he was hardcore Chicano, Mr. Root, and he broke down the white man came across the sea, dude. We only had one white kid in the class, but Paul. He was a white kid named Paul And then every time he kept selling a story About the Indians were slaughtered by white people He kept looking at Paul And then Paul got up and said Fuck you, motherfucker!

I don't do shit! I know, huh? They got nothing to do with me. He got what's going to do with me. That's fucked up, man. He worked out of the clad, never saw him again, though. Damn, are you serious? Yeah, all because of Iron Maiden, bro.

He ran to the hills. That's crazy shit. Fucking love Iron Maiden, man. I knew kids, bro, I used to worship Ozzy, dog. Yeah, man, all that heavy metal shit, dude, them, ACDC, mad-ass followers. It's devil-muting my mom was the thing. Well, Ozzy slipped into my life. Like, Black Sabbath slipped in when I needed it the most.

So all those years, I really like Sabbath coming up. You know, like, I was done. That was my main fucking band. That was my main fucking band. When he came out with the first solo album, I nearly lost my mind. Which album was that? The Blizzard of Oz. Oh, my God.

I really lost my mind. Like, that was... Did you guys have the bass player on the show, right? Yeah. In fact, he was going to be on Tuesday. He had a switch, and then Lee's going to Boston on Wednesday. Classic as shit. But it's so weird to see him sit here sometimes.

Sometimes you just go to lunch, and I sit across from him, and for, like, the first ten minutes, I think about that whole... That whole thing, because they came around, like, October, 79 and they were just god-awful do you know when you see somebody you ever go to see somebody you go this is the last time I see these guys croakish yeah there's some bands that you go see now this was the first time I had seen them but in those days you never caught the warm-up act you know what I'm saying no way man you never caught your one party in the parking lot yeah you didn't have to be in there till 830 the warm-up band for this concert was van

And the word got out. Do not miss the fucking warm-up band. And he came out with eruption and I can hear heads blowing up. People committing suicide right there at this fucking mass of Square Garden. And they had left with so much, like they blew it up.

And then Ozzy came out hammered. You know, we were sitting on the side and I'll never forget this Bill Ward in between songs was taking something out and putting it on the snare drum and they would take a straw and snort it and put it back and they would play the fucking drums. I mean, it was so in front of you, you know.

Ozzy had vodka in his hand, drinking it. They sounded terrible. And I don't remember leaving they're going, I'm never going to see these guys again. Like, there was just some people who I saw early on that were fucking great. Like, the B-52s regret. They were great. But then I went to see Aerosmith early on. Aerosmith was bad every time I went to see him.

Anybody who told you they went to see Aerosmith before 80, and they said, said they were great their line team they just paid too much for the ticket and they can't go back back they got they got got all the concerts up they won't do that they were so bad the last time when i saw erasmith they basically got beat up off the stage were they too fucked up or what it was a horror show it was a horror show they were fucked up first time i saw him we we walked to medallands and it was frank marino mahogany rush poco fucking ted new jubes and Aerosmith. Damn, that's good as Bill.

Aerosmith went up there and started playing last, you know, you're excited for this fucking music. And it was a big place, and it sounded bad. But you could tell they were high on something. And then fucking Joe Perry broke his guitar and shit. And we heard, we listened to Ted for about 15, 20 minutes, but we had a curfew. The kids I was with had a fucking curfew.

So we had to walk home. When you go into the city, and you're driving on that turnpike, Route 3, we were walking on Route 3 cars were doing fucking 80 past us and I remember we barely made it to our homes and we could still hear Ted Nugent's guitar like we walked three miles and you could still hear

Ted Nugent's guitar that's what music was music but Aerosmith was so bad and then the word kept getting out Joe Perry left Brad Whitford left and then they played at like a rock bar next time you go home and you go George take me the fucking Chan's dragging in and when you're dragging in go George

Take me to where Aerosmith played. It's right down the block. You go, come on. It was called the Soap Factory. And after that last album, when the night lightning strikes, it's got, bong, bown, bown, whatever happened. Nobody can name a song from that album. That's how bad the album is.

I personally like the fucking up. Nightner Rush, that's the name of the album. We went to see them. That dude was so fucked up, the singer. he was so fucked up fuck Stephen Adler and fucking Guns and Roses in the 90s

this guy was gone on stage heroin he was singing to the walls he was skinny you could see the bones through the shirt you know it was just a fucking mess and he would light cigarettes and flick him

he kept lighting cigarettes and flick him now I got my own thing going on on the side I'm in the it was $15, $10 general admission right so whenever you got there you got it me and my buddy get there a little early and it's hot out it's humid so there's women would halt the tops and this guy smoking cigarettes are you with me i'm listening so i'm 15 feet from the stage and guess who's

in front of me a real deal heroin junkie what's he doing he's lighten a cigarette in the middle middle thing he puts the cigarette out right here he leaves it six inches from his face and he would start to nod and as he would nod I'd push him into a girl and it would burn her back hysterical I'm doing this for 15 20 minutes by myself and they're like stop it fuck ass and he's like I'm sorry I'm sorry people keep bumping into me and every time he and then he would move over like a foot or two because he was finding out what's going on somebody behind him kept pushing him and every time he'd not lease a lease in the cult jam I hear when he was at this position with the cigarette up I just push him into somebody and you hear the girl go

A little hair burn it. This went on for 20, 30 minutes. The concert started, and it was so boring. Me and my buddy are, like, having our own fucking great time. We did this, and finally, he got so high the guy that he just passed out. Like, he just fell, and people just started stepping on him. And people stood there the whole night. He was on the floor.

This guy was so high on heroin, he was just laying there. Man. So now, we're there jumping. Give us some music. He's light and cigarettes and flicking. I met chicks, and he has microphones. He has anchorships on his microphone. Okay.

So we're in at about an hour now. And he's saying, and he's fucking up the words. It's like Sinatra. If you went to see Sinatra in the 80s, bro, he had no idea what the words were. Even with the teleprompter, he would not have an idea what he was saying, but Boris Ethel, you know? But this guy was so inebriated, and he was just singing different songs, and the band was looking at him.

and then he started taking it out of the audience. And he would light the cigarettes and flick him. Somebody threw a joint. And that's where it got ugly. He lit it, took two hits and flicked it. And it burnt one of the girls. Here I am burning women for an hour. And he decides to flick a joint and burn a chick.

They start yelling, fuck you. He's like, fuck you, fuck you. He's holding on to the microphone singing a song and they start tugging on his handkerchief. And he's going back and forth. This goes on for like three fucking minutes. And I knew one of the kids, Mike Askley's. I still talked to him on the phone from the time to time.

They're going back and forth, back and forth. Finally, he throws the microphone in and dives in head first. That was it. You don't do that in New Jersey. They don't give a fuck who you are. Punches. He's on top of the audience, and punches were hitting him in the face. Ba boom, bab boom.

They're just punching Stephen Tyler. They're just clocking Stephen Tyler. Finally, security couldn't get into the audience. They wouldn't let him. Security from the stage had to grab his fucking neck by the shirt and rip him up. And I'll never forget, he's in mid-flight, and it's like a step for him,

and somebody just comes up to him and hits him again. Perfect. They pulled them up, and he ran to the back to the concert was over. No more fucking Erosmith. Three weeks later, they were done. Done. You didn't hear from Erosmith.

Nothing. And one day, I'm in Aspen, Colorado, eating a Kualoot. I'm in a hotel across the street from the In-N-N-Out sandwich place. Not the In-N-N-Out hamburger place. This is the end-and-law. of robbing them too. I had a billionaire. One day I said that I saw the guy

they didn't make deposits and they left the wind. The door opened, had one lock with the thing. You know, like with the vent? Yeah. Open. Are you kidding me? In those days, I was an acrobatic. I was 19. That's an invitation, Frank. I just jumped up and kicked the window and went right through and the next day they knew it was me.

But I stayed at that little Austrian hotel there and I'm sitting there watching MTV and fucking whatever comes out and she goes, bro, I'm here at a high school in Boston, And Aerosmith is back. And I'm like, no, they're not back. And they were jamming dog.

They were clean and sober, and they put the cam on them. They interviewed them. I had fucking goosebumps. I'm like, there's no way these guys are back. But like two years later, like the next summer, I went to see Foco. Joe Perry put a band together, the Joe Perry Project. And Hart was opening up for him at Radio City. So I went down there, and I was all quite looted up.

And the skinny blonde was like 10 feet. for me and I grabbed the ankle and they went to throw me out but then the security guy was cool he let me send the back with the fucked up people and shit grab the ankle I grabbed their ankle dog those Quailos do some weird things to you as Bill Cosby and shit

they just take over a motherfucker so did this motherfuckers quit for a while or what? Errol Smith? Run them C-brought I'm back done done. Then they put out of that I'm called done with mirrors that is so bad you can't find it well they're done now done with mirrors it was so bad it was like three songs from Eerosmith

and the songs that Joe Perry had released, they re-released them. The album is horrible. It won't even play. If you find it... When I saw them on their movie, Sergeant Pepper Lonely Heart Club band, I said, who is this band?

Because I don't know who they were. They were singing a Beatles song on Sergeant Pepper Lonely Hard Club band. It's like a BJ's movie. Yeah. Come together. Come together. Then fucking run DMC.

Run DMC. How crazy is that? They were gone, right? they were done. They were rehearsing. This was going up there. Listen, bro, they were clean and sober. They couldn't, they couldn't write a song to fucking, and then that's why they went to ballads. Like, somebody started writing ballads. Remember, they did, what's that jam? They did, the movie,

Even when I close my eyes. Lee likes that. He sings that to his girlfriend and shit. What is that from, that's from Armageddon? Yeah, Armageddon. They did that. But Jamie's got a gun is good. That album is good. Janie's got. 87, that album was good. 87, 88, that whole fucking, I mean, not the whole album,

but it's got its moments, but it's not do-looks like a lady, you know, but it ain't fucking get your wings. It ain't fucking rocks. No. No, no, no, no, no, not even close. You could smell, when you put rocks on with a needle, like, I'll get rocks right now and put it on, you can smell heroin. I feel like the fourth song, you start getting high and shit.

That's how much fucking H-Day did for that album. That album is raw. That's got, that album's got two songs that are just pure heroin. You hear what you go? It's like when you hear Allison Chains. Like I heard Freak the, what's that? The freak, the freak, whatever the other day, I was driving. I'm like, if this isn't heroin, this is beat the freak.

What's it called, Lee? Let's see, hold on. Fucking amazing jam. Freak show? No. Allison Chains, something to the freak. I forget. Bleed the freak.

Bleed the freak. God. You could smell the heroin in your car. You're like, I better not get pulled over. They think I got Chinese people in the truck and shit, yelling and screaming. Atawa, Atawa. What's up? Felipe?

What's up, fool? Any good movies lately? Oh, man, a lot of good movies, man. Is it Medea? The Halloween movie, Boo? I don't want to talk about that. It was hilarious, bro. I just don't want to talk about that, okay?

It would be tough truth. Talking to the other than I was smoking dope, but I had an idea of a lifetime. Okay? See, the manager thinks like I think. Manager, how much did you like Jack's Teller, the truth? Is I like what? Jack's Teller.

What's that? Sons of Anarchy. The show I'm trying to get fuck-o-on over here. Oh, dear, Sons of I like Sons of Anarchy. They're doing two spinoffs. But for some reason, I fell in love with Jacks Teller. Whatever his name is, Charlie Hoonan. He played a gay guy on the other show.

When I see him in Sons of Anarchy, I don't think Sons of Anarchy is the greatest show in the world, but I see this kid. Sons of Anarchy has been off for two fucking years. Two years? Yeah. Two years. Where is this kid? Nothing.

Nothing. So two years. He hasn't done a fucking thing. They got him scheduled to play a Mexican with blue eyes, a drug dealer. Yeah. A famous drug dealer. La Barri. Yeah.

He's coming out with some other fucking movie about prehistoric time that nobody cares about. They're wasting this motherfucker's time. So you don't me, dog. I'm sitting there smoking. Smoking dope. 50 shades of gray, he was supposed to be... He said, don't know me. Yeah, he turned it down.

Yeah. And he would have been perfectly dirty. So, I'm sitting there thinking the other day. I always ask my... He's at my agency. He's with a different division. He's with the fucking pimps and shit. But I asked my agent one there.

What the fuck is up with his agent? Do you ever talk to him? Because, yeah, I know him well. I go, how come this kid not doing 20 fucking movies? Then I sat down, I go, this kid ain't a movie star. Remember, movies and TV are two fucking different things. Okay? Two different fucking animals.

Jacks Teller's already on fucking FX. He's already on FX. And Netflix. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to go fucking put together a treatment of the mechanic. Oh, yeah. And I'm going to play Charles Bronson and die in the third episode. Like, fuck it.

Just shoot me. Because it's really his show. Yeah. It's really Jan Michael Vincent's show. You know what I'm saying? Have you ever seen the mechanic? Yeah. With Jan Michael Vincent, what he looked like when he shot that movie?

Oh, yeah, it was badass, man. So I'm thinking this. He will look him awful. See, the mechanic remake, the reason why he's the reason why he's, he's he's I got really mad at the remake of the movie. First of all, don't fuck with Charles Bronson. Leave that fucking man alone. Do not retouch his movies.

Leave him alone. They're all going to die in hell. They're all going to, this 12 fucking, the dirty dozen remake with the Cowboys, the Magnificent Sin, and that is not right. That is not right at all. I won't even, I am pissed at that. Oh, that movie sucks. No, you're no shit.

You can tell that movie is just God fucking awful. First of all, that's a fucking Japanese movie. I walked out of the audition. Did you really? No. No, dog, I wouldn't even want to read for that. I'm done. I'm done.

I'd rather do the podcast and go on the road. I'm done. I don't want to read for that shit no more because that's just embarrassing. That's just embarrassing. I did the longest yard. I came out smelling like a rose and I moved the fuck out. You know what I'm saying? Somebody gave me a coat.

If the movie would have died, I would have been in bad shape. But the movie did well. Some people still hire me because of it. I don't say nothing. I got to call to do another movie. I'm shooting in North Hollywood. November 28th to December 17th They just called me up

How did you manage that? You don't know You don't even have to like get a hotel Nothing, nothing You want me to tell how I managed it? How fucked up is God? I'm thinking about, you ever see Scarface? Yeah Scarface was on the other night

And it's 8 o'clock And I'm going through the things The baby's in the room And I press the fucking thing And it's just dark And that dude that puts the thing to his face and says, how'd you get the scar on your face? The cop eating pussy?

I did a movie with that dude. But when I did the movie, the dude had glaucoma already. He was 68. His wife had just died. A beautiful man. He taught me more about acting in that fucking movie. We did some movie together. And in fact, me and the director and his girlfriend got into a fight on the set,

nobody talked to me for three weeks. It was fucking horrible. But guess what? I had the fucking, I had him on the fucking podcast. It wasn't a great podcast, Paul T. Murray. Oh, okay. So the end of him watching Scarface, and I wonder what happened. Oh, man, John.

I was going to church with John. He's one of those old guys that you talk to and you go, I got to do what this motherfucker is doing. He was in Dog Day afternoon. Anything that guy did, he was it. So Dog Day afternoon, Scarface, anything that guy did, the guy would just call him and give him a row. Some rolls were big, some rolls were small.

In Scarface, he goes, John, I got a little row for you. He goes, go in there, Pacino's in there and ask him this question. How'd you get the scar on your face? Beautiful old man. You know those old men that you look at and you go, this motherfucker? I used to smoke dope in the car with him before church. And he would finally go, give me a head of that shit. He was one of those dudes.

And we used to go to Sacred Heart on Wednesdays. And he used to go, why are all these chinks here? And he didn't know Pachia was there. Pachiae. He used to go to church there on Wednesdays. We used to just happen to go on Wednesdays. And we used to go in there. And then he took me to another one in Santa Monica Boulevard.

And right in the middle of church. There's too many fucking gays here. We got to go. I was like, oh, my God. I met the perfect, though, man. Old school? You know, I don't have a granddad, but if I did, I wanted that dude.

Anyway, when I talk about the reason where I had a mom there, Felipe, he told me a story. He goes, I got a call to go down there and audition when they have Pacino. I just know Al Pacino from Needle Park and I saw him in New York a couple times.

I don't know this kid, he's supposed to be a tremendous actor. I get to the audition, and they say, put a knife to his face. So he comes in, he goes, first of all, His script looked like it had gone through a shredder. He goes, that's what that dude does, Pacino.

He goes, his script looked like he had ripped it apart and put notes and glued it back together and headshots. Dissected. Just dissected it. He goes, he came in. The director goes, do it, John. He goes, why did you get that scar on your face? Eating pussy goes, cut, cut. John, come outside, please.

John, don't touch his fucking face. That's the middle. You kidding me? Don't touch his face. That's the money. That's the stuff. That's the money. How can you touch his fucking face? Going on and apologize.

John goes in, Mr. Pacino, I'm sorry. Touched your face. He goes, no, no, it's the role. With that, they do action, and he does it again. And now he gets a call. John, they want to see you outside to producer. And he comes, pulls him aside. He goes, how come you're not touching his fucking face?

Put that knife in his fucking eyeball. Take his eye out. And he goes, the director, just, no, I'm the one that's signing fucking checks here, okay? I want that knife in his fucking eyeball. The palmer? The palmer. No, no. Whoever the producer was yeah

Whoever the director was the proud of no I don't know that I don't know that I was talking about the guy now in the hotel room The one of those I joined Medina No the guy that talks to him in immigration Oh that guy there's two guys that talk of immigration Yeah the one guy standing and there's one guy sitting the guy comes over and puts the knife on his fucking face Yeah, yeah what you think when you first how old when you first saw that movie fool man it was nineteen eighty four so how old were you I was like 14

Were you doing blow? Hell no, I wasn't doing nothing, man. What was doing nothing? What was? What you're thinking about it? Hell no. I didn't even know what that was yet. So when you saw.

But we went to, like, we have friends in Burbank, and my dad was our cousin. We went over there and they made a bunch of cevice, bro, like a big bucket of cevice. And we all sat down all the little kids, all the grownups, and we all saw Scarface on VHS for three hours. We saw the whole movie. And I was like, at first of the, I didn't get it, you know, but. I started watching it. I started saying that much a lot of fucking money, man.

And then my dad's and my friend were making jokes. I know how they like my dad and him loved the movie, though, man. They loved it. How old were you the first time you saw it? I was little, dude. It was probably like a year it came after we've seen it on VHS, but I didn't understand what's going on. But I always wondered how we had the same suit as John Trovotia in Saturday Night Fever.

How old were you when you saw it? Last year. No, I was probably like, I was probably like 16 or 17. And did you want to go out and do a little tutz and get your life together? No. That always scared me. You don't want to go hang out with Pacino and the Puerto Ricans. No, no.

The people were getting shot, dude. Oh, man. That did that dude up at the chance all. That reminds me when I was doing a lot of blow during MySpace days, and I wanted to see who wanted a party, and I would tweet on Facebook, and I would tweet. My update would be, um, who's up? right now. Hint, hint,

anybody watching Scarfeast? And then that's how I would know people are doing blow tonight. Really? They'll invite me to their house to the party or something. That's fucking amazing. That was a cold, bro.

Anybody watching Scarfeith right now? Four in a morning, hint, hint. But now you can put a little nose with a 100. Little pile. But when I saw it later on, when I was like silent crack,

you know, and my neighbor, He gave me a sense of power, bro, to watch that movie. Like, yeah, if he can make it, I can make it. But now when I watch it, I see it that, you know, you can make it, you know, even if you're not a cocaine dealer, you know, it was a sign, you know, you come here, you work real hard. No matter what you do, you can be a survivor, bro.

Oh, hell yeah. But he just chose that life. But, man, it's hard to watch sometimes, you know, because some of those parts where he's dealing with the mom is so real, you know, like he thought you know like he could impress his mom with money and the suit and she still stay get the fuck out of here man

it hurts man that was pushing drugs dog that's what but she didn't know huh fuck you we never had a father shit she knows something was up that shit was that movie was fucking brutal dog you know those Cubans that came over in 79 it was uh it was you know

somebody's got to do a documentary of the jail they let him out of You know what I'm saying? Just walk through that jail. They weren't American jail. They didn't feed you on time. There's no feeding at seven. They were coming and throw a fucking piece of bread at you, dog.

They would throw like a sandwich into a cell with four of us. You know, and no showers. Because those are the hardcore criminals from Cuba, right? The Mariana Boat Project or something like that? It was really weird. I saw the transformation. I saw it right in front. You know, it's so weird how I was doing mescaline one day.

and having a great time with 20 kids my age, and all of a sudden, nobody's doing mescal anymore. You know, it went from, you needed $5 to get high. You needed $2.50 for a hit of mescaline, and $2.50, we could chip in for a six-back. You needed three, four beers, and a hit a mescal, and somebody had a joint. You were good to go, Rodrigo.

And all of a sudden, it went from that to people having to spend $50. You know, there was no sample of cocaine. If you really think the impact that this had on the economy here, You really have to think about 1978, 77. I saw it. I saw people talking.

It was spoken in my house since I was a kid. But I was starting to see it more now. I was starting to see it. I knew my mom had white rings around her nose. I knew what time it was. I wasn't retarded. But now I was hearing people talking about it.

It was in the clubs. The kids older than me were coming back going, no, no, my thing more but equal. Now I was in shock. Like I just thought my mom and her friends did it. Do you follow me? So now I had to sit there with my tongue tired. I could, you ever done it?

No, I don't even know what you're talking about. How old were you? 13. Damn. So 13. It's 1976. And it was already creeping. 77, staying alive, quailudes and cocaine.

78. 79 was the first time I had some. And it was in a draw that sat in that fucking draw for months. And then I went to a party one day. and I decided to take it. I knew I was going to sell it, but I said, fuck it.

And I did it. And I didn't, you know, the first year I did blow, it didn't get me off. I thought people were lying to me, like Saturday Night Live. You know,

for years, people told me it was so funny. I'd go home and I wouldn't laugh. They were flowered. And a bunch of people were laughing, and I wouldn't laugh. With Coke, I would do Coke with people

and I'd see them getting all twisted and hiding and shit. And nothing was happening to me until one day had a cocktail. Uh-oh. See, I didn't drink. One day I had a beer. And I'm like,

That's when that shit clicked. My jaw is clicking. My fingers are getting like I'm a piano player. This party's on. This shit. You were like, Jeff's done. I want no puppets. And then they dropped Scarface on these kids.

Yeah, man. It was like taking a generation to Vietnam. You had to see it. Like, I fucking saw it. Like, I saw kids that were decent kids, and I'd see them in a bar at 4 in the morning. Like, fucking Lucifer. And I would go, oh, shit.

And then they weren't smoking crack yet. There was no crack yet. Like, I was still 83, 84. Everybody had it. In 83, if you bumped into the manager, she pulled you aside and go, listen, a friend of mine left me a kilo. Do you know anybody who could sell it? He said we could make a lot of money. You were bumping into people like that.

Like your neighbor, we'll come over and go, Doug, do you know anything about cocaine? It was everywhere. It was everywhere. Everybody had it. 1,800 an ounce. 100 a gram or don't even talk to me. 60 a half a gram. How good with it?

It was right off the fucking. fucking shipment. They were fucking piled it in here. It was glass. It was fucking glass. First time I went to Miami in 84, nobody jawed. You didn't stay up. You didn't stay up. Your eyes got red. Like those red veins were in your eyes.

You got all red and shit. And you get high and your dick got hard. And you had a good fucking time. And you were loose. And then over the years when you started getting they started doing something to it. Putting speed and there the rat poison. Aspirates. And then

And 84, 85, people were smoking it in cigarettes and clubs. I went to the city in 85. I was not doing drugs at this time. And people were already, the Colombians, they would go, that's a Colombian table. And you could smell the Coke in the air. And they were putting it in fucking cigarettes. And then I went over to the city to get weed one day.

Manager, I've been going to the spot since I was fucking 13. 14. It was on 148th in Broadway. Were you sure of these weed stores today? Yeah. Listen, I was, I copped there from fucking 77 to 84.5. And then I just started coping in Jersey, and we were coping on 178th Street. But if I was on 148 and I was in labor, I'd go there. It was called the Master Mix.

The guy was right on a stoop. Stoop. He was on a stoop. A little pigeon. What up to him? And he had. green weed that you never saw then nobody had green weed there was all the weed from Jamaica up in Harlem the master mix it was the Buddha tie the chocolate tie he had chocolate tie he had green weed and then he put it together and

that was called the master mix and guess what he gave a fucking punch card in nineteen fucking 80 homie was already giving you a punch card what did say on it if you bought ten nickel bags you got one for it was ten dollars bags. If you bought 10, $10 bags, you got one for free. He thought his idea. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? This is on the street, no license, no nothing. I went there

and they go weed. We don't sell weed no more. It's cracked. It was gone. And it was a little vials were all over the street. And I had never seen that before. And then I went to Colorado. In Colorado, I heard about crack. People cracked up and shit. Where I grew up, like the biggest

thing I ever saw was weed and alcohol. I'm sure that there maybe there were pills or something, and maybe there were some kids who did other stuff, but did you ever have people? Did you have anyone who was negative about cocaine in your life, or was everyone, like, really positive? It hit so hard, Lee. In 1982, it hit so hard.

Like, girls that you knew that were chilly, is that fucking CYO basketball at the prom with doing fucking powder. Oh, my. You know what I'm saying? Like that? It hit that hard. Like, if you were at a party, and there was 10 people there, nine.

And, see, in the beginning, cocaine didn't take over as a drug that got people high. Cocaine put you in a different class. The only people with money could fuck with them. That desert rat, that desert rat from fucking Glendale that fucked everybody when she was eight, she's somebody now. You walk into a bathroom, you do two lines,

you come out and the whole room will look at you. That's how you get people's attention in the 80s by going the whole room were looking and they come up to you all creepy have you done coke how is it how's the drip tell me the truth can I get a little bump from me it was fucking insane

it was fucking insane but that's how they sold it that's how they sold it they didn't sell it because it was a great drug you've done coke it ain't fucking dick after you see it it ain't dick they sold it you became a bigger person

you were doing what the movie stars you know what I'm saying it was the convertible and then and harry claptin then black sabbath and that was it cocaine that was it it hit like the white lines 10 years ago you wouldn't see a weed store now you see a weed store every two fucking blocks that's what it was everybody had coke for sale everybody had it everybody could give it to you on the arm because they had so much of it in the house people go do you know anybody

who buys coke and you go now not really meanwhile you haven't done coke in two days you got a monkey and your back is assholes on fire. You know what I'm saying? I don't know, buddy. Let me give you an ounce of you. You can sell it, sell it and not bring it back. What? You ain't ever going to see me,

but then crack took over. I don't know. How was it here? Oh, man. Same time, like, 82, 83. They were selling pure Thai stick at the little corner on Claren Street in Boyle Heights

in the projects, Pico Aliso. It was called the Thai Lammie because the other saw was Thai stick people drive by and they have the long sticks with marijuana stuck to it and they would sell out to their cars and then one day man everybody started selling crack

instead of tie sticks and then you started seeing these young 14 year old kid with little big gold chains and beepers that was the first sign that I saw a young kid wearing on a beeper I said damn this was a doctor or what and everybody was starting crack man

everybody it wasn't like it wasn't like it is now where you gotta pay taxes to somebody, you know, or the neighborhood is controlled by some gang it was like open, it was like the Wild Wild West in my neighborhood, man. And they sold a lot of PCP to

another spot. But man, I remember crack was crazy, man. When it first came along. Crack was crazy. Crazy. It just took people to the next level, man. Like, it'll just kill a whole family, man.

like instant addiction right you can make more more crack out of a little bit of cocaine i got hooked on crack in hollywood for six weeks i was smoking crack i'd buy it right by the theater by man's chinese theater around that corner there'd be two black guys we'd make eye contact they beat me they beat me five ten times it's on me soap these cock suckers my fingers were always dirty and shit my wife would wake up what is that fucking smell the weed go back to bed i would smoke it out of a coke can that's a gnarly fucking smell then i went to elpast them There was no crack, so I got hooked back on the Coke, and I didn't smoke crack again. Tremendous how addiction is transferring shit like that.

I didn't smoke crack. I never thought I'd smoke crack. Me neither, man. I didn't like, listen, in 802, free basters getting big. That's different from crack? It's hot powder, right? Bro, it was fucking stupid white people. They wasted my fucking time.

Wasting my fucking time. Okay? And Timmy, there's a kid who listens to the podcast, Timmy Holloway, my buddy. Timmy. Me him. Me him. And this black dude, a friend of mine came up to me when they he goes, bro, I heard you got good Coke.

I just graduated high school. I could hook you up because dog I sell Coke to pimps. He goes, I got these pimps down in Jersey City and whatever that. We'll buy coke from you. We got to go down to the hotel. But the guy that was going to come, that's where I got the word tremendous from. Everything in this kid's life, he'd say tremendous. How are the girls?

Tremendous. How's the Coke? Tremendous. How was that right turn? He would even tell you that right turn was tremendous. So we went to Steve Valanis. I forget what the fuck his name was, dog. Tremendous.

We went to this hotel room. It's the summer of 82. I'm getting my Coke from a high school teacher. But now since we were out of high school, he would sell us. Mr. Belden. Huh? No, I don't know if it was Mr. Belvedere. It was the camel.

Let's just call him camel breath. Because he used to smoke camel cigarette. And his cigarette was orange from the camel's cigarettes. Tremendous. So Camel breath. He would sell you the Coke already in a fucking bindle. So we went down to those pimps. I gave him a couple grams.

Here's the code. We still get an F in his final. What's that? No, no, we were out of school. He wouldn't fuck with us then. And the pimp was like, dog, have you ever free base? And I go, no, but we'll give him a shot. And he did the whole thing.

He had all his hookers there. And they were like, he was a magician. Woo. And he did it, but he had like the silk scoff and shit, you know. He was like orange. He was like Orange Juice Jones and shit. And he would tell the bitches. ain't getting him you hook a motherfucker

and me him and the other two people smoked it and it wasn't bad and there's a place again next time you go back to Caroline until George Joey said take me to East West East West East West is a head store

that's been there this is Gasseth Cogion de la Malle from 1970 when I was a kid I used to go on them by when people go to a tape recorder to a concert yes whatever those are called remember that shit in the 70s Not bootlegs, yeah. Bootlegs.

People go, if the stones played six nights in the garden, you would go all six nights and they'd get one show. But they also had a how to make fucking freebase kit for $49. No way. So I bought it. I took it home. It was butane, a glass, a silk scarf, a ton of shit. And then we went home, we went to my friend's house, Devo.

When I woke up in the morning, all the bottles were turned upside down. It was like 15. we went through 15 grams and like at the end the next day I said what did we do? First of all you got to sit there and cook it and become a chemist and it's got to dry it's white people shit I'm sorry manager it's white people shit it's too much thought

just give it to me God give me that motherfucking mule you know what I'm saying let's get that jaw going give me a little freeze I got a cavity back here let's get this fuck yeah let's get the Bolivia fuck yeah but you can't do that no more we got to be decent people

We've got to respect ourselves. We've got to be comedians and shit. Top notch, top, man. You know what I'm saying? If you want to get to the top, you can't bring that meal with you. So as long as you know that going in, it's all works out for you.

You should like that. Yeah, man, the first time I tried crack, I liked it, man. I heard it's fucking instantly addictive. I've never heard anybody that's done crack that say that shit sucks. Everybody says super fucking good. Listen, at that point,

the point of my life when I was smoking crack, it was like 98. I didn't really give a fuck, Jack. He was like, fuck it. Oh, yeah. And some of the nights I would smoke it, even if I knew it wasn't cracked. I would just smoke it because I bought it. I might as well get my money out of this.

This thing tastes like saran wrapping shit. Smoking almond and shit. Oh, fucking terrible. Terrible the shit you do when you're in that level. Yeah, man, you don't care. You know, when you're in that fucking level, you're fucking creeping, man. You give it money to somebody and hopefully they'll come back. Yeah, I'll be right back.

You're there for three hours. That's the worst. And it's fucking four in the morning. seventh and spring. A little pinch or shit too if they don't come back. I met his drug deal. By mistake. You mean a drug dealer by mistake.

I mean by chance. But this guy was so fucking good. He was at the end of my journey. He was at the end of my cocaine journey. He was like, I put him into the rotation. The problem was I didn't have his phone number. I didn't have a way how to get a hold of him. His cocaine was the best.

All the coke I was buying, D-Money. El Compadre I had three or four Yeah, yeah, yeah John Blaze, the motorcycle guy Martel Cartel. Martel Cartel. Martel Cartel was good

but I had to fucking shake him down because they'd sell me this shit they're selling them fucking white people. Give me the real mule in the back that uncut shit in the fucking thing. He was cutting it like 20 to fucking 10 the Martel cartel until I showed up and said you can't do that.

Step it on in like a mother. Yeah, you can't do this shit. You're marching on that shit, bro. So towards the end one night I pulled into El Campanre. and I get a tap in my window and I zip the window down and the guy goes

Como that way? I go, come what about? He goes, I go, take what the hellito? I have a present for you and I look at him and I go, really? I thought he's going to fucking shoot me. I thought he's going to fucking shoot me.

I thought the gun was right there. He takes out like a savage. You know how decent people go? Let's go to a bathroom. Can I get to get caught? He don't give a fuck. He takes out this brown bag that's wrapped.

And he goes in it and he goes out of the way no permission no nothing he puts the rock in my nose You see her way sierra and I'm like what the top yeah and I'm like trying to fuck where the fuck do I know you from Who comes up to him puts a coke rock in and first of all what the fuck do I know he's talking to me He's not poisoning me he's talking about not that he's talking about not that he's a lot of gente way and I'm looking I'm like I don't know who the fuck this guy is but this coke's on fire like I'm already my throat dry and shit and I said to him do see him where I get in I go give me a 60 just to see what he was playing no scale no no bullshit he went in that little magician bag gave me some love he took out a bolder and just handed it to me like I'm like any paper no you know iceberg it nothing bro I had to put in the thing find paper

hide it and I pulled out of there and that was it okay I go back to Elcompaid maybe two, three weeks later, I'm not asking around, is there another guy that just walks around? Does I just hallucinate? Is there a magic magician here? Where's El Mucsico? The man with the rug. I don't see this guy ever again.

I don't see this guy ever again. And then I end up doing one of those three comedy show nights. You know, La Casa Rosa would fly. Ocasa Latina would fly. And they shoot over to Jeff Garcia's and do that one for 50. And then shoot over to Felipe's. Felipe would have 75. for me. So some nights,

there'd be too much traffic on the 101, and I get off on sunset. Right? And one night I get off sunset, mine in my own business. You know, I'm a little agitated. I can't get no drugs. It's already 1 o'clock. The fucking Laker game, fucked their shit up. You know what I'm saying?

And one night I'm at the light by Western and sunset. And I'm hearing like, hey per die it out. It peria. It's bad on. I'm looking around. And who do I see? But the Mexican, running up to the car. Coke Ferry. Yeah, the Coke Ferry.

Run up to the car. There's like a Burger King on the corner and there's a construction thing in there and then it's Sprint. Then there's like a blaze pizza. You know, you guys know what I'm talking about? Yeah, man. He knows what I'm talking about.

Western Sunset right there. There's a McDonald's or some shitty place. He lurks in those trees. So he comes up to me at the light. One o'clock in the morning, Sunset Boulevard. come that way I'm all this way

and I'm like oh my god you showed up when I had evening you before I could say a word baboon puts a rock in my nose again again nope may I nothing put to the way

like sat across feeding the rainier again at the light at the light like he owned fucking western and sunset he goes get in his way I just took out everything I had give it to me he just took out a fucking bold I remember driving home

with the coke rock in my hand like a fucking deli I know that I say that joke on stage it's not a joke it's a true story with a snow globe I drove home with a gram and three quarter rock at my hand just driving home with the air conditioner on lightly and the fumes hitting my face tremendous and I said to him how do I get a hold of you and he goes just come here at night I'm here from 12 all night I go where he goes just drive up and down like once or twice I'll come out of the tree fucking cold sorry Tony better cocks like that surface Where's Tony Bennett?

Oh, my gosh. This fucking... One time this one time this was said, every time I looked at the Coke rock, it got bigger. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. I always been at that... One time I was up that,

I was at this bar, and I was loaded, and the guy goes, you want to bump? It's a good luck bar, man. The good luck bar right there on Hollywood. Right there on sunset, by the... I'm buying. Fine, twice as smart.

The guy goes, he goes, you want to bump, I went to the bathroom, and he gave me a long line of, I thought it was coke, but it was meth. A real big line and an extra one. Man, after I was done, I was just by myself, bro, listening to music by myself awake. No beer, nothing, bro. I clean the whole house. I got a little toothbrush, bro, and I've cleaned the edge of the everything. Detail. Yeah.

Fucking beauty. Raiders won, baby. 30 to 20. We're the first place. What are you going to move to Las Vegas now? I'm going to go to the games. Pick up a gig on Saturday and watch the game on Sunday. You know, it's crazy.

When I moved here, I thought I was going to hide my addiction. I'm like I'm not gonna find though money to comedy store the improv that's got below the third night I think I got a package I was so ashamed of myself I'm like I can't fucking believe this I'm in L.A.

And I'm getting packages the third day This ain't gonna fucking go nowhere You know what I'm saying like this is I always don't when I come to L.A I wouldn't find somebody for like a year and by that time who the fuck wanted to do it you know But life always throws a different curve

Oh boy hey what's going on with you Mr. Attorney When are we getting the fucking degree here? I haven't been to school in two years. Two years already, huh? It's been already two years. If you go online, can we go on Phoenix and just finish this fucking thing? Contract law, Hollywood law, contract agent, whatever.

You can start, the beautiful thing about that stuff, just as long as you get your paypoint and you start doing contracts, we can make a living with you. Everybody needs to look at a fucking contract. Stop flipping houses. That's it. You're flipping fucking contracts. When you're an attorney, you can do so many fucking things. Especially in this town. You could be a manager. You could fucking, you know, look around for people who slip and fall. You know what I'm saying? There's so many angles. You could defend fucking drug dealers.

Binti dos, binti dos. Bento. Bento. Bento. Bento. Demos, those, those, those. Call me now. Ciablo Espanior, but I said no more two. By the way, I told you motherfuckers last week, if you're trying to get unemployment or you're calling for an airline ticket or anything that offers you, do you want this line and say? Spanish always press that line. It don't matter. They're still going to talk to you. You have to wait forever. They don't want to piss off Spanish people. A little fucking tip for you from Uncle Joey, all right? They're not going to hang up on you because you're not Spanish.

Tell them you're deaf, tell them the music was on. You don't know what the fuck they're saying. You just press two by mistake, but we're here now. Let's handle this situation. My vacuum broke. What's going on, you bad motherfucker, Felipe? Always a player. I'm going to be on Superstore this Thursday, man.

What's super? Superstore and NBC with American Ferrara. Okay, look at you. It's called Superstore on NBC at 8 o'clock on Thursday. It's my second time on a row. A recurring role named Cody. Look at you. You and I have discussed the acting thing?

Yes. And it's finally coming to fruition. It took a while. You never know when it's going to strike in this time. Most people at home jerking off right now. You got two fucking episodes. Self-tape myself with Rodrigo Torres and Adam Murray. You didn't know that Rodrigo was brilliant.

fucking camera dude you know that a whole steady I remember Rodrigo's brother edited a video for Ranchobb he wanted to make a video of a cat he kept bugging me what can I come on back here's reaching he shot the video and did edit it all and gave me the fucking video your brother was a beauty and I hired him to take my head shots it was only one picture he duplicated it was the same ugly picture I was like now I get why you get photography and shit he wanted to be

Tarantino he had the original script for fucking mulatto what's his name machete Machete he had the original script his brother wanted to breed horses in the backyard his father said hell no ain't no horses can fit back there he used to get pissed off he's a beauty he's a beauty

poor Rancho he's a beauty and shit who would we get fucked all you that day On the eat on those edibles. That had to be 10 years ago, Rodrigo. Like eight. He was out. No.

Yeah, it was 2006. Yeah, yeah. 2008. Oh, seven. Yeah, that was 08. Right there at the boxing gym. Yeah, boxing gym out with you. We used to go to that spice company.

That big dude, I just hooked you with that big ass bubble. And it was, I ate a whole candy bar. If we went there on Tuesdays, those Cushmore, right? I had a deal. No, no, before Cushmore. It was on Hollywood. We had a deal with this dude. The guy's name was Dave.

In fact, I just bumped into him maybe about 18 months ago. He runs a barbecue bar in Burbank. I wanted to watch a UFC with a friend of mine. And he came over and said hello. He was a real interesting guy. He was a chef. And when the edible craze came out, he tried it at his restaurant. And this guy hired him.

And this guy made, he was one of the original guys that would make him really tasty chocolate. Like whatever he gave you like God like the best thing he ever made was non-parales Really not only Jesus Christ but in those days Lee there was no real strength gauge He was making him off the chart sometimes you ate him and you saw the devil sometimes you couldn't feel your mad that yes sometimes you didn't see me that sometimes you fucking went out sometimes you Ate him and nothing happened I hear when they happen but I used to go he used to tell me if you come tuesday mornings I hook you up we do shove a ever edible in your mouth no no no no I'd

fucking go down open your mouth up and he would give me one of each of whatever he baked to try and take for free you like just take it so me the fucking savage I am I would eat saddles and I would always have a quarter to one acupuncture and that's the beginning of my acupuncture and I would go in there dog and I would think the most interesting man in the world man Fuck they got there, man, bro. Can you fucking believe that? You're the fucking guy, bro.

He has had blow early in the morning and didn't get acupuncture. No, no, no, I wasn't getting blow. And then that's not that morning. No, no, no, no. This is, this is. Right now around this time, Maryland's been dead nine years.

Wow, no way. Yeah, whenever Rick Rainbow's birthday is. I met the manager, oh, 6th. November 3. It was, oh, it was November 3rd or whatever. Oh, time flies, man. She's been dead for nine years. I haven't done a line of course.

for nine years I stopped doing coke like the weekend that Maryland died and I was in Jersey I had my old hotel room in C caucus and I couldn't wait to go back there because my buddy was getting eight balls for $60 right off the fucking boat and he kept telling him you come back just corn when you get to the hotel I'm bringing it right to the hotel and I remember getting to the hotel and I didn't feel right and I said tonight I got to go to sleep I just didn't you know when you're gonna get the flu and my gigs was Saturday I had a benefit early and then the show at my school so I don't want to be fucking fly six hours to be sick let me just stay in so

that night I didn't do coke he called me the next morning goes I got that eight ball for you I go all right tonight I'll see you in North Bergen that's when I got the call about Maryland I went and did the cop show and then I went to my high school show he showed up like I can't do it man not tonight and then was when that they buried her on Tuesday but that Monday I had an interview for a movie in fact the guy who gave me this movie. The guy who gave me this movie, I just told you three, four days in North Hollywood,

he was that guy. He had another guy and another guy call me in that Monday and say to me, we want to offer you this role in a different movie, but he goes, we have to shoot this in 21 days. He goes, we have to finish this by Thanksgiving. We're working three weeks straight.

We love you. We love the audition. Everything about you. We got one problem. Manager, let me tell you what this motherfucker said to me. He goes, you got to reputation or liking the party and if you take this movie you can't be a minute late because everybody's on the set on every time it's one room it was like an a-a-meeting yeah that cut drew me like i went home or you're listening i went out i'm in and he goes don't even give me an answer i want you to think about it and think if you could even stay clean for the 21 fucking days

and then call me in the morning and i go fuck it i went home i thought about i did a goodbye bump showed up the next morning. The blast of the past. And you know what? I didn't do coke because you had to be on the set from 8 to 8. So 8 o'clock was when I would get the itchies and start going fucking crazy. But I was so tired from being on the set all day. I would just get home eating and go to bed.

I got a bunch of Valium and I would just take Valium and just pass the fuck out. And by the time I got to like the 28th day, I said, why do Coke now? I've been clean. And that's how I stay fucking clean in that movie. That was all inclusive with the cat dying. But good by Bob. But these fucking people gave me that movie. So that's fucking amazing.

I get the nine years. So what I was telling you before was I saw Scarface and I went in to see if that old man was still alive because when I was hanging out with him, he was in the process of moving to Woodland Hills. Yeah. The fucking old people community. They were in SAG.

They got a nice house up there. They exercise. They box. They get the mingle. Fucking movies play up there. They got every movie ever made up there. if they want to bring it to their room. But it's like $8,000 a month.

So he was telling me he might need money and shit. His pension wasn't going to pay for it. So I never seen him again. So yeah, now I went on IMDB and clicked on the movie I did with him to see if I could see if he's still alive. And I couldn't find him in the next day, Paul T. Mary, who I haven't spoken to since he was on the podcast over there a year and a half ago, called me out of the blue.

And he goes, hey, I got this role. Check it out if you want to do it. It's a Jack McGee. So I'm playing a cop with the dude from the fighter. the father the Irish dude yeah dude yeah you know it's not a lot of money I don't give a fuck I'm gonna shoot right by my house I get to act for a few fucking days who's better than me nobody they got fucking catering service right you get breakfast made feel like a doctor you gotta wear somebody else's sneakers but

you're shooting the movie right how happy you now hell yeah I get there in the morning Felipe what do you want breakfast burrito want you want chilling it nah I like craft service, man. There's something about it. Like, when you're a comedian, like at first, I didn't understand it. When I got on the set, it was like putting a fucking thief in a candy store.

Like, I robbed a set of basketball. And then Bronx County, it was too much security. But I remember going in for a fucking pilot on ABC, okay, and booking it and go in a wardrobe. Manager, you have no idea how crazy Uncle Joey was. And going to wardrobe, but ABC right down Walshia Boulevard and when I get there the lady says to me do me a favor go in that room and change It was a small room filled with women's dresses with tags on you know me of those dresses I robbed

To go I just clip like fucking 200 of those things the when I got there I had a bag with like a pair of jeans in there When I left the bag weighed like 80 fucking pounds I went on on sunset Boulevard every second hand shop I made like 8,000 fucking dollars dollars and shit like oh yeah yeah dog please on every one of those movies I didn't really know what was going on I was like a fucking criminal on those fucking sets I didn't know what was going on he was in character and then

people started teaching me now there's food over there that's why in the manager I did not fucking know what was going on the set till I got a show on NBC with Sydney Portier's daughter John Aston's kid

it was a bunch of sons and daughters from other TV shows that moved in together, they were attorneys, and I got a reoccurring role on a TV show. And the first day, I didn't even know what hit your line is. Hit your mark. Yeah. I just stood there.

They're like, Joey, would you please hit your mark? And I'm like, what are you talking about? Joey, you got to walk over here and stand right there. And I would just stand, and they were, like, getting agitated. But the director was so sweet. He's like, can I talk to you for a second? Have you ever done this? I'm like, I'm a stand in the fucking comic.

I don't know nothing. I went to the audition. I told the lady, I didn't want the fucking audition. When I walked into Lisa Block's office, it's a partner. Block something, I walked in, and I go, listen, I'd rather not read for it. I'm not going to get this. It's for a fucking Mexican dude. She goes, just show you mouth and read.

I go, I'm not going to fucking get this, and I got to go to New York to refanalyze that. You're fucking with my shit. And she goes, read it. I called you here for a reason. And I read it, and the fucking bitch gave me the role. And it was three. I was pissed. I feel you've fucked up my New York trip and shit.

Now I got to put that fucking audition on tape like a dumb fuck. But I got it and I wanted it. Guys, I didn't know nothing. I didn't know nothing too, man. When I came in to shoot the first episode of Superstore, I was nervous, man, because I never shot anything in my life or television. And where am I going to stand? Really?

Yeah. It was my first sitcom ever. God bless you, my love. So, man, I made friends with a cameraman. I made friends with a standing ahead. Because I had a stand in this fat motherfucker. And I'm like, if I had a stand in, and I'm like, am I really a fat of this fucker? But now he was fatter in me.

So after the stand-in was there, you know, getting all the light, you know, doing all the blocking, I asked him, bro, what did it tell you? What did you tell you where to stand, bro? What the fuck? What do you tell you where to stand at? Then he'll tell me, stand right there, just stand right there, man. And then I made the cameraman laugh, the one I was facing me. So he'll tell me, Felipe, I'm turned to the right. I could see your whole face now

It was fun man It's very nice When they don't have that dumb attitude to them That's how I was blessed I really was because I seen people who got tortured On a set dog It's fucking embarrassing And the people who do it should be shot on

You shouldn't treat a fellow fucking worker like that Yeah But LA's one of those places that the guy has like Heath from a movie and shit They'll fuck with you a little bit I did that show and they were very nice to me on NBC. Then the show got canceled, which was good. Thank God nobody saw me.

But then I booked this creepy show called 18 Wheels of Justice on TNT. You're on 18 Wheels of Justice? Yeah, way before, when it was TNN. Dang. Before Spike. This is when it was TN. Oh, my God. Way before Spike.

That was one of my real, I had a read in front of producers, and my hand was shaking. And I was a pimp. I played a pimp with white hose and shit. And it was Chicks from Play Mansion and shit. And I had to drive to San Diego. And they gave me a pedium. Dog, I held onto that pedium.

You know, that was going right up my fucking nose. It was like $68. I made it all the way back from San Diego with $8 fucking dollars. I ate those dry chicken cutlets from the fucking set. I took salad, chocolate bars. I was a savage in those fucking bagels. Oh, my God. And I went on that set.

And the director dog taught me. and I was going to acting class, 200 a month, Savannah Chubbic, and that director just broke me like a fucking, but in a great way. Like, he's like, why are you doing this? How come you're not smacking her ass?

Oh, she's a girl. Oh, that's what you're supposed to do if you were a pimp. Smacked her ass, and I'm gonna smack a fucking ass. You know what I'm saying? Like, he set me loose. Like, that was the first guy,

and I kept in touch with him. For about a year or two, I kept in touch with that guy. He'd come to the comedy store. Who the fuck knows? He's probably a realtor now. then we did the deported and then we did the deported

with that fucking dude with the hairpiece with Nick Torturo and Paul Rodriguez that was embarrassing Doug Rodriguez was late four hours oh my God that was embarrassed

to go wake him up at his house yeah they jump the fancy break into his house and wake him up he's a pop wake up Paul wake up Paul

oh my God that was that director was fucking embarrassed it was funny Joe Diaz was supposed to have a must to the whole movie and he shaved his mustache. What? He shaved his mustache and had more scenes.

He showed up to the set with no mustache. They made him a mustache. It was a horrible mustache. It kept falling apart. It was like that black tape. Oh my God, Joe. Why would he do that to the people? He was a Mexican cop with a Cuban accent.

I used to tour. Cornea, pull over. What year was that? 2007. 2007 I was clean then I wasn't I don't think about in eight yeah I wasn't snorting for that movie you were blazing I was blazing like a three hands you gotta the fucking take that monkey off you back you know was that a hundred dollar a day movie yes it was cold too it was what it was cold it was cloudy I don't remember how the food was but I remember Paul being late

I had scenes of you I was just happy for you I remember that kid calling me going dog you sent me a fucking animal he's the real deal he's gonna be huge his shit he loved He said you reminded him of his brother. Yeah, so that was good for me that I recommend that you knocked it out of the park. And it doesn't matter what it's on a long day movie. It was fine, man. Or 695 or a thousand. You know, people get confused.

Like this movie I'm doing is 125. I don't get fuck. Man, you know, it's funny. There was a real legendary actor in that movie with David Perada. You smoked weed with him. He was a guy, he was in Mean Streets. He was like the poor man Al Pacino. not David Proval

Prade and Proval Doug I've been Richie Appreux Oh shit Hell yeah That's right I turned him on to weed He lost Oh shit

He forgot his life Lisa Lisa Lisa He got lost I fucked him up You guys know Who Richie Opreil is On The Soprano Yeah Richie O'Prio

Mia Felipe Are doing this fucking movie He has to be a fresh guy He has to eat That's the first dude I doestly Is Richie Aprio On the movie set

On the movie set He went so crazy He went and got a medical marijuana license for him And his wife the next day And that day was chocolate bars He told us some good stories Oh, no, David ProVal was the real deal, though He said he trained

Eddie Murphy for That movie Trading Places Bro David ProVow Watch him on the Surprados He lit that season out He lit that season up He was only hurt for a season

Then they killed him They killed him He was a pain the fucking ass I hated him. I thought he was on for like two seasons. Yeah, he was a pain in the fucking air. He's a good actor, huh?

Dog, he takes it out of it. I just saw him in something the other day. They got a little heavier. But God bless those guys. They're still around. He was so cool, man. About two years ago. No, no, no.

About five years ago. You fucked him up, man. No, I got to call him. Oh, I did fuck his work. I still have that picture of you and him all laughing. Oh, my God. He's wearing that French hat. Oh.

What did you go do? I fucked up, David Proval. Oh, my God. Mean streets, bro. Oh, my God. I tell you, when I did that Boilermaker movie, I did that movie with a dude from... And I forgot, though, the other night.

Like, that's how fucked up my mind is. Like, I forgot I did a movie with the dude from... The movie with De Niro, with the gun in Vietnam, desert. The Deer Hunter. Deer Hunter. John, whatever. John Savage. There was a while where everybody...

John Savage. I did like three movies of John Savage. He's a great guy. John Savage is in the fucking, he still works. He's 70-something and he's still shooting movies. I MD beat him. He's still doing. It's like Dean Kane.

Dean Kane could be here one week, Bulgaria, Canada, Chicago, and he'll do a movie with Lee Syatt and the next week he'll do a movie with Denzel Washington. You know, that's when you love it. That's when you really find the back. for it they give you a nice salary I mean he ain't hit it out of part I think he was disappeared Stephen fucking Bauer I have not seen him on Twitter fucking taking pictures with ukuleleys you know John Savage was good in that movie that movie's

El Salvador oh yeah yeah yeah when he put the photographer in Nicaragua John Savage is a real fucking another guy that you go on a set and they talk to you like you're fucking Dean Martin they don't have to talk to you John Savage really has no reason to fucking talk to you, you know? One other guy taught me a lot. Oh, Caddyshack. I'm blinking on his name right now. Rodney Dangerfield.

No, the director. But I did talk that, that hit. Harold Remus. Yes. Harylis fucked me up. That was sensational auditioning for him. That fucked me up, but not as much as being at the comedy store on a Friday. And Harry Basil, who I just called the other day.

still call him dog harry basil came up to me and he goes i'm gonna have you get an audition for rodney next week and i thought it was like like in those days you don't know what people were telling you i didn't tell nobody because i didn't know if he was lying to me and sure enough 10 days later i got a call you have to go in an audition for rodney but guess who i went in in front of the chick who gave me 18 wheels of justice so i already had a relationship with her she had already booked me so she was happy in front of rodney i went in there and read for rodney Rodney goes, bro, you made me laugh. He goes, the row you read for, I gave it away. But call me in a few days.

I got something for you. And a few days then I got a call for me just to go to the set. What's it called that movie? Seven wives, that one? No, no, no, no. It's fucking horrific. It's horrific. But Rodney gave me eight days.

Yeah. In those days, while I was booking was one day, one day, one day. It was so fucking frustrating. One day, one day. Then I busted two days on Arlis. And I'm like, oh, I'm getting there. And then I busted three days on something. And then they reduced it to a one-day co-star or some shit.

And I'm like, I'm never going to fucking get one. Then I got one day and analyze that. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with my life? That's all it was was one day. One day for 10 projects in a row. I did one fucking day. And I'm like, God damn. never gonna bust out of the one fucking day thing and I can't even keep my dental and I

always say no and all I got a call and then I go in there and I go on the set and then I go put a prisoner out for now I go all right and I want to put a prison around for now I walked around and then and then also he put me and Rodney started going come here go on that scene sit at that table where you was it because like I searched for but I can't find it but it's way back to midnight that's the movie that's the movie back to midnight and Rodney's like sit in that circle and also the director's like he's got lines what's his name And he turned around and he goes, Jojo. 2004.

So I was Jojo. Mr. Jojo. But I was on that set for fucking eight days. Like, that's my first. And it was like $4.60 a day. It wasn't scale, but it was the one under scale. It was like $4.69 a day. Doug, would that check came in the mail.

I ran to Whitley. I ain't going to lie. The old old are Willie in Hollywood. They got the check cash in place. They take two points. They'll cash it 24, 7. fucking, they're my type of people. They're my type of people. I wouldn't even tell

them. Like, I would go on the sag thing when I get a residual. If there was a check there for a grand, I'd tell him the day before, listen. You better have a grand in here, because I'm coming in tomorrow. I'm going to bust a fucking register. What are you talking about? But that was the first time, Felipe. And at the end of the day,

I wouldn't even be on the call sheet. I'm going to like, am I working tomorrow? I don't know. I'm going to ask Rodney. I have to go to his trail and knock on the door. Oh, come in. What's up? Mr. D. Call me Roddy.

Am I coming in tomorrow? Yeah, come in tomorrow. We'll find something for you. And that's the first time I worked with Paul. So Paul. Isn't Paul? Paul was on his way down kind of sort of, and our boy was fucking smashing.

George Lopez. So George Lopez was snapping. So there was a scene where the prisoners are going to have a dance. Okay. and they really got real strippers. Like, I had that girl's number for like a year. She gave me a number. She's like, I do parties.

I don't take it in the ass. I'm like, oh, it's nice to meet you. You know what I'm saying? Like, I've been dancing with you. You've been breathing on my neck for the last hour. Here I thought you wore an extra, and that's when she started telling me, oh, we're all hookers and strippers here.

They wanted this because they wanted a real feel for the fucking party. They didn't want polished up girls. This chick's breathing on my thing, drinking my fucking water. What the fuck is wrong with you? Now you gotta drop a bomb on me? Now you got, I don't know what you got. I gotta go home and take two showers.

But they really did. But there was a scene where Rodney, and at this point, guys, Rodney was old. Like he didn't know his lines. Like they had a guy with cue cards. A little bit before his brain surgery. For me in my world, Felipe, everybody was going to Montreal.

I wasn't going to Montreal. Hell no. Everybody was at Gersh. I wasn't at Gersh. everybody got invited to parties I wasn't getting invited to dick I was at the comedy store so when I got to work with Rodney

yeah I was like you could all suck my dick that motherfucker handpicked me from the choir you know what I'm like what was the driver for fucking the Lucchasees he's the one that had the Jaguar and he kept talking to the Jaguar that guy always said I picked them from the choir

he picked me from the choir Rodney he picked me from the fucking store dog you know what I'm saying I would go in that he'd be in a row smoking a joint like a mr d it might come uh it's rodney what yeah come in tomorrow and i just go in there and do one scene but this particular scene and then when they would go cut paur regiegers would take the microphone start bagging on him and start doing rod yeah how you doing doing it he kept doing it he kept doing it and doing it and only some of the extras and the camera people are laughing the rest of the people in the room that knew roly he kept

Rodney knew not to laugh. Like, I was in laughing because I didn't think it was fucking funny. You did it one time. It's great. Now, let it go. Let it go. But every time they'd say cut, he'd go, all right, cut. You heard Rodney, okay.

And one time, Rodney goes, cut. And he goes, Paul, before you say something. So help me God, say one more fucking word. I'll fire you and replace it with George Lopez. Boom. End of game. End the story. You didn't hear one word from Paul Rodriguez,

the rest of the fucking shoot. Boy or loco. And that was it. That was it. But that was a great experience. I remember getting the check. It was like $3,600 hours. It was like the most I had seen in fucking 10 years.

Check Cashin was happy. Oh, Czech Cashin was happy and shit, dog. What are he crazy? Those are the days of Jigotov as we do with an acting class. Along with a fucking family of cats, stop touching the microphone. See, Lee, fix his microphone, pilot the bombardier. How are you feeling, Lee? You ready for the last mushroom, tip of death?

They took it to the... That's funny. $300. They took it to the back to give you a stack of money. That's crazy. I used to live in that fucking check cash. Man, for a while, man,

because child support was going after everything I had. Everything. Man, Lisa and the manager and I, we had to go early. My flight was at 8 at 9, but I got there early to the check cashing place over there in South Central by the airport

to just cash my check, and then it charged me, right, like a $900 check from the last factory. of her a whole month of gigs there but I was happy man thank God for Nick Cash in place dog when they cash your check

you don't give a fucking you don't give a fuck I don't give a fucking I don't give a fucking as long as you're cash in a check dog I used to do some creepy shit so I knew I couldn't get away with Dick I wouldn't even try to fuck with don't get check cash in people because it was my home they were open 24 hours

Willie that means if you went to the comedy store there was a check for 3250 I'm getting the 20 I'm getting the 20 I'm getting the 20 you know what I'm saying I just gotta go to Willie I'll be right back hold on to that 20 for Uncle Joey and it was 32 50 so I give you like

29 who gives a fuck I got nine for breakfast I'll figure it out tomorrow you know what I'm ready to fucking go it's amazing that check cash in I got into that check cash in place in 1997 and I stayed going there until 2000 and fucking eight problem

damn what do you do it for all your checks when you really need to get everything i had everybody looking for me at one point they were all looking for me i was paying my gas bill there oh my god it was terribly terrible i never got the credit card the ATM card from there it's a waste of your time yes but i would oh my god you know when you when my wife filed a judgment on me probably like a 97 thank god it never got the comedy clubs like the only time a comedy club ever got a call was in the beginning manager I would go to a comedy club and they go this number this dude called for you and I'd pick up the phone it'd be American Express like how did you know I was here well were you snuck around and we know you were getting comic and shit they started calling me at fucking lounges there like open mics at the broker you know I'm embarrassing that fucking is then they called comedy works when that on a Tuesday night my heart almost fucking stopped

My heart almost stopped. They came up to me and they go, the guy's been on hold for 15 minutes. That's fucking embarrassing, man. In 1999, I went with Ruben Kintana and Luke Torres to do a show at MIT with a college gig. The day after Thanksgiving and a Friday,

it was a good night. Man, we didn't know that Rubenna owed a child support to his wife. Child support got his check at MIT that night, and we didn't get paid. I was supposed to get paid $600. Ruben Tantana was the kid that met the chick with the eight kids. Yes.

And then he moved away. Yeah, by selling it no more. That's just Christian comedy. Right. I called them one time and said a bunch of shit on his answer machine. He called me back. This is a Christian house.

What are you talking about? I just saw you eating some massage. I just seen you fucking eating some dirty chick at a bar in Albuquerque. Rudy used to have a bar called fleas? No. Bugsies. Bugsies. Tuesday nights, Wednesday nights.

150 and a flight at a flight the southwest flight and the hotel was fucked up but that hotel today is like very chic with a golf course huh yeah they got showers with blue fucking heads on it no no shower curtain all fancy and shit you went with you went with gabrie glas on his first gig huh when he got laid when he got laid that night and then the classic nights was i went with what's his name the old man the right larry omaha larry omaha and i saw larry omaha and i saw larry omaha fucking hit. If there was 18 women in the room, Larry Omaha hit on all 18 of them,

and the guy that was thinking of being a transgender. You know what I'm saying? Wow. I saw him ask everybody to dance, and I remember sitting there, like doing a couple lines of Coke. Because, Big Alex. That place, yeah, that place,

as soon as you walked in, they put a package in the end. Yes, weed, whatever you wanted. We eat, coke, whatever you want. And the hotel was this. Disgusting, bro. Disgust. You've seen those dogs that have hair that's been bit off. That's how the carpet looked.

Disgusting. I went back there. The maid stole my toes. Maybe I went back there to do a gig at that what? Laps. Laps. In Albuquerque. Oh, my God.

Is that in Albuquerque? With Hood. With, no, Hood wasn't there. This was an independent night. Some kid hired me to go down there on a Tuesday and Wednesday after the longest yard. We got like 92 people in two nights. We died. Danis Serrano.

He had to give me like a light envelope. I didn't give a fuck. I was just happy to go. But the hotel he put me in was that same hotel. And it was fucking beautiful now. Yeah, it was fucking beautiful. It's amazing what a couple of years do. The crack hotels have disappeared.

That's it. That's all you got to tell me, Philippe. And bring you all the way up this fucking hill off Seattle. How is Seattle? Amazing, man. What's the name of the club? Parlor Live. We were there last week, where Jigo and Toby Higgs.

It's funny, man. We were walking around the city and Rodrigo rolling up a joint in front of Starbucks, trying to keep an egg-hung-k needle, rolling it up. And then there's a crazy white dude that's dead it next to us, giggling, you know. We don't know who the fuck he is. But I thought he was a narc.

They were looking at Rodrigo let up his roll up the joint. And then he looks at me and goes, oh, man, don't worry about me, man. I just have a machete in my bag right now. And I look, he had a fucking machete. He goes, I'm just waiting for my... somebody, man. They're going to buy the machete. I had it on Craig this for a while. And this is Seattle? Yeah.

Bellevue. And I'm thinking, man, he probably he's probably, I'll think it to myself. When I look to him, I say, man, are you going to chop everybody up right now, man? Because you do it after I leave? He was just standing behind. It's all creepy with a machete, man. I want to talk about creepy, dog. I went to downtown LA. Oh, my God. Holy shit. It's like the L.S.

I had to go to Eddie Bravo's Jiu-Jitsu tournament. By the way, it was fucking beautiful. At the Yorffium. nice. Gary Tonin already fucking had a heel hook. I watched three or four matches and I had to come back to do the podcast. But before you walk into the

Orphium, no matter where you park, whether you park next to Orphium or you park down the corner from the Orphine, you don't lose. There's a burrito shack or something down the corner. I got two car and eat tacos. You ever get two tacos walk to the car and it's like a mile away? Yeah. And you're like, I should have got 22 tacos.

All the time. By the time you get to the car, you're like, those motherfuckers was good. That pork was money, Jack. But I'm like, fuck, I'm already across the lot. That means I've got to walk back. My hands are greasy. So this time I made a mental note.

I'm going to park next to that taco place. But I got there, and I parked next to the orphan. And on the way, Lee, pizza. And I remember last time somebody got a slice and said that pizza was off the chain. It's been there for 2,000 years. And they put, like, exotic sup on pizza. It's like a supressat on fucking govian. cheese and shit.

Where's is that? Right on 8th and Broadway, right next to the fucking Orphiomte. And as I was walking and I smelled like, I go, why don't we gotta take a chance? Dog, at the window. Two black dudes came up to me, one on each side.

Dog, I used to be a dancer in Harlem. The other guy told me he was in the Navy and shot some fucking governor. And I'm like, all right, so what do you want from me? Can you hand this something, a dollar something? I gave the one guy change. That's a mistake because now they all fucking charge it. So I started giving them all change

and dollar bills, and they still wouldn't leave me a while. Then they come back for a second to listen I got to tell you a story Listen I gave you a dollar so I didn't have to hear a fucking story They're everywhere down there It's like that show that fucking people watch what is it the dead people walking around? It's walking dead Downtown no every 20 fucking feet while I'm standing eating a pizza lady walks to me with as much legal clothing as she had to wear She was completely fucking bald not a tooth in her fucking mouth and she was walking past me like she was bridging Mardot. They call her Moon Raker.

I'm like, what fucking planet are you on? But I can't say nothing. Who am I? You know, there was two dudes across the street doing something. They were doing something. I just looked and kept fucking walking. It's none of my business. You know me? I ain't got, you know, they weren't hitting somebody or raping somebody, but they were doing something like smoking heroin.

They were doing something creepy. It was fucking 7 o'clock at night, guy. The cool thing is to move down there. Now, would you ever move down there? Yeah, yeah. Look at me. I'm looking for the map. right now i'm gonna move down there that's the first place that's gonna fall apart when the

earthquake fucking comes right under the one-tenth cuck sucker i used to live over there yeah right by the year i used to live on first in main yeah you're fucking crazy that's the hip thing why don't you and mom go down there we're down the block from the staple center yeah i'm not going down there yeah i'm not going down there yes you are they're gonna have the new building the festos tower you shit i'm not festos fucking guy moved That's best us. Like, I'm going to move downtown because it's fucking it. I know two people move downtown, and then they moved the fuck out.

That never came back. Downtown is on your way out. Downtown is where you move when you're like, you know what? I'm thinking I'm going to move downtown. And all of a sudden it becomes fucking real down there. It has to. Every time I go to down, you know how many times I like going downtown? Never.

Never. I don't. I haven't gone to the last two EBIs. Not out of disrespect. Number one, I always get lost. I don't know what temple is. know what grand is one way it takes one way parking next thing you know I'm in Pasadena you know yeah it's a fucking night man you know what how do I end up on the one fucking

ten north yeah so it just pisses me to fuck off so I just avoid downtown my wife the late crunch my wife used to work at a Disney Center I used to have to bring it down there and bring shit down there it was a four-hour adventure and every time you get on the 101 no matter what time it is it's bump of the fucking bumper today I ain't going to to complain it was very easy to get down there nothing against the fucking there there's homeless everywhere there every in downtown at the comedy club we're at in salt lake city

man there's a lot of homeless people there that's a great club by the way I'm there next year I'm excited shout out to Keith Stubbs Keith Stubbs you're going to me right I think so I don't know when I just they put you next to the the old club they used to put you next to Olive Garden yeah and it's the busiest valley garden in the country

number one olive garden in the country white people got mixed some moans I can't wait I can't wait ticket to get cavitelli whatever the fuck they call it Lee Syatt how you feeling you ready to kill these mushrooms it's time dog listen they're gonna leave I'm gonna put on black Sabbath

we're gonna reminisce about the old days when you want to be a vampire whoever I have a TV deal you do I heard that you would fuck it awesome me and Dustin Ebarra Dustin and I had this conversation Lee and I had this conversation Lee says he sees them all the time as long as Dustin abar his eyeballs and popping on his head He'll always have a job in Hollywood. What I'm saying?

I look at him and I think Young Frankenstein remake in 10 years. Gene Wilder's dead. I don't feel so good myself. You give him a different haircut. That's fucking, he's going to get the guy's role. What's the guy? Marty Feldman. He's going to get Marty Feldman's row.

He's going to lock it up. Lock it up. They're going to shave him a certain way. His eyes are going to move and shit. What do you think you're dealing with? That's a tremendous fucking cast for you. I congratulate you with all my honor you've worked very hard for a lot of people don't know that you know for years that we these motherfuckers think he just do this shit like youtube yeah they don't

know me in years that we Jesus Christ all those Tuesdays and Wednesdays and San Diego Lennar and Vysalia no he never liked me he never liked I went up there and caused fucking damage one time I went up there tormenting Lennon and then I knew he didn't like me so what did I do is my weekly routine I harassed him my people put them leave when they don't like you they're not going to buy now you use them as practice if they're not going to buy you might as well put them on your rotation and warm up who am i going to call them bother today i used to have a list you got to have a little list of who you're going to call and bother and you know it's a warm up you just call them up

and they're not going to buy you already know they bought it the piano you were going to sell them they bought somewhere else but you know what you want to warm up isn't that kind of like or birds though like your botheringly shut out of these poor people who gives a fuck next time they'll plan ahead the ship's not saying for what you watch the first scene in rocky it's one of the strongest scenes of all time he goes on the dock and he chases the guy that's how it opens up people don't remember he chases a dude he catches him and he hits it with a two by four yeah he doesn't have the money he takes his fucking jacket and he's supposed to break his hand but he's He doesn't break his fingers.

But on the way out, he goes, I'll give you, don't you want to hurt me? He's going to know, you didn't break my hand. And he goes, I'll catch you next time. And he goes, but you should have planned the head. That's a, he's got him. He's looking at him. And then the retardo waste, Stallone goes, you should have planned the head. Watch Rocky in the beginning.

And that's why, you know, you should have planned the head. Now you want to come with this fucking story. I went to, speaking of records and movies and all this stuff, I went to Amoeba this weekend. It was great. But then tell him how you fucked up tonight. Oh, my God. You know, I love this kid, but he is the kiss of death when it comes to restaurants.

When I was 418 pounds, I was eating quality. Philippa, we're not fucking killing. Tell him the truth. There's no fast food in our future. Okay. I've been trying to guide this guy, but he don't give a fuck. Once his girlfriend gets him on Fridays or Saturdays, he'll eat a fucking. If there's a cat on a stick and she sells two of them, it's to him and his girlfriend.

You know what I'm saying? Like that's the luck fuck I was got he poisoned his leg scours He poisoned his father She got poisoned on her He got poisoned that a sushi plays I didn't get poisoned me with the edible Yeah he plays on the issue It's the wholesale sushi

And dude it wasn't my fault Yes you went in there It was like eight pieces of 50 cents What do you think's gonna happen to you? No it's not You're gonna die yeah You went in that happy happy happy hour Like nine to ten

Right before right here. Like in fucking some dark street. You know what I'm saying? It's on Laurel King. Yeah, in a dark mall where nobody goes into. They have foot massages and a liquor store. They have a bake-of-a-marital. Yeah, no, no, no, no.

It's got nothing to do with the fucking sushi place. It's like happy. He went in there like a 10 to 10. Either Lee eats it, or they're going to give it to the cat or the mouse behind the thing. Lee went in there. Oh, my God. He's trying to blame it on the same edibles that I ate.

No, yeah, because you've been doing them for a long of the guy. No, no, no, don't blame me. You're trying to say they were bad. They were they're not bad edible they were super strong then he tells me what are you doing till I like I'll go now doing me back I go perfect you get some posters for your room and shit I go Lee you know Lee you know what and you're in a perfect oh yeah he's got posters you know Lee he's got the godfather on his wall he was on he's on doing cooking blue apron the day which I love him he's got pictures of fucking you know like the movies he grew up

oh there's 23 when I moved out here he's got fucking what is that shit he's got orange is the new purple no I don't Oh my God, but anyways. Anyways, I said to him, fuck-all. The worst-case scenario, if you bail out, I mean, I know he's a little fucked up and he eats stars and eats edibles, and you go to Jack in the box. But 55, 40 yards from there, you got stout. One of the best burgers you could eat in Hollywood.

It's a little pricey, but you're out with your girlfriend, lift a rock. And if she doesn't want a hamburger, walk dirty yards, and you go to the old Houston's, and they have some sort of barbecue that fuck all, like, he likes. He likes anything And then or you go 10 more yards And go to pizza And him and I go to constantly And he loves to eat two slices

He only eats one But on the way home you can see him He's mad at himself on the 101 He should have like three He knows he's like I gotta have a piece for pizza And one tonight so I can watch cheers Yeah but you don't let me take it home You gotta do what the fuck you want

You know me I say get two slices I get two slices Yeah but then if I get two slices If I try to take one home I can't take it home No, three of them are. One two weeks there. One in the car. It's the end of the fucking world.

So he aggravates me. Next time. So what do you think this fucking Momo does? He's in the center of good food down there. He's going to the arc light, he tells me. Go ahead. We were going to go to the arc light, but the movie times didn't work out. But we've never been to Rosco's.

It's a... Losco's chicken and waffles? Yeah. So he goes, instead of going to the wand down in Pico, the hood, he went to the tourist one Do I look like a belonging in the hood? Next to the Palladium, right? If you're going to fucking walk on ice,

you might as well dance, Lee. And it's next to a Thai place. I can't believe you didn't have to fucking tie place next door. Did you have to wait? No, no, no, no. We didn't have to wait, but it was terrible. There was actually a very nice. One of the servers was a listener,

but the food was just, it came out in like two minutes, which is, you know, we looked at each other, we're like, this is not good. And even on, even on, Which order? Just the normal. Did you go on Yelp afterwards and

chicken and waffles? Yeah. Did you go on Yelp? No, I went on Yelp just to see what the reviews were and the reviews are four stars. So there you go. See, I don't ever want you to read a fucking review again.

Retards, go home and report about fucking restaurants. They're going to plan about everything. Yeah, if you're going to read that shit, you might as well shoot yourself. The waiter have bad breath. The surface was actually the best thing, to be honest, but the fucking,

The food was just terrible. Every time I've gone, I bond to the one on Pico, and I've got to tell you, I never had waffles and fucking chicken in my life. It's not like I'm running down there. I can't eat a lot of maple syrup. But that fucking chicken with the waffle, little maple syrup hits the chicken. A little red hot sauce? I don't like it dreaded in the fucking maple syrup.

Now you get out of control. Yeah. But just when it tastes one of the corners, you put some Franksha sauce on that motherfucker, and you bite into that chicken, it squirts. a little bit. Oh, you. It burns you. I get mine smothered and covered.

Listen. I've had vegan. I had vegan chicken and waffles. Pretty good, too. Listen, I don't want to hear about that topic. Delicious. I'm having a good night tonight. We're at Lisa.

Happy hooligan in San Jose. Do not listen. Do not listen. Do not listen. Do not listen. Vegan chicken and waffles. No vegan nothing here. We all fucking meat eaters.

All right. So please. Last time you were insulting people, he got insulted. It was hangover. He got insulted. Hung over. Can't be doing that shit.

I have food poisoning in the same city twice, Washington, D.C., Adam Chipotle. You went back again? Yeah, sure. Why are you eating that shit? It was pork, man. I can't believe that Mexican people would walk into a Chipotle. Or if Toll Bell, but I love Taco Bell, man. I have been shocked, so do I.

A nice fucking taco with the sourc. Oh, Taco Bell, man. Sorry, man. A little burrito Supreme is like a motherfucker. It's that night at two in the morning. Wake up and your asshole opens up. The manager right here, 400, 400. calories per burrito oh shh two hundred calories

oh my god that fucking burritos i haven't had one in 15 fucking years i have what the last time i stopped my house tonight you know because what happens is you you test the waters one night you're a little stone you're driving home you buy yourself you're like nobody will know i'll know i'll put the skies on you're saying there's only three people on the line you go in there you get like a diet Pepsi you let me just fucking mount to try what's going on and you get yourself like a Burrito Supreme on the way home it's not bad about three months later you're like

fucking nobody's gonna know it's 1115 They ain't nobody in there's four people online But they always advertise something That new thing with the baby But the guy dips the fucking stick in there So now you're really high Because only if you're really high Would you get that fucking stick with that chicken

Yeah tell Lee I want to see the chicken I want to see the process you know what they do They get this chicken that's been tortured And beat in cages Cic abuse which some of abuse chicken ain't bad. Have you ever had have you ever had abused chicken? It ain't that bad. He's been kicked

like it's better. You know, this is new natural chicken. Chicken's been getting a little soft esteemed. Chickens have been getting chased for 10,000 fucking years. Now you want to give me a chicken that never got a shot at a arrow shot at it, you know what I'm saying? The fuck is wrong with that. Free range. What the fuck is wrong with people?

What are we talking about anyway? I'm like my chicken from Foster Home. Taco Bell, like I was telling Lee, Lee likes those dumplings from Korea, town. Let me tell you what a dumpling in Korea town is. Fucking Johnny Ying takes the chicken, chops his fucking head off, right? Now he's got a chicken with a stem, right?

He takes it, he debones that chicken, he takes all the white meat off, he puts in the pile. Now he takes that chicken and that head with that eyeball. He takes that, and out of that fucking bony mess that still has little thing, rid meats, puts it in this fucking machine,

and he pushes it down, and he doesn't give you the nice white meat. He gives you that brown fucking meat that, like the kidney, and all that, and he puts it all in there with feathers and fucking spices and eyeballs, and he crunches that up, and then Johnny Ying tastes that plate. He rubs it like this. He puts it in a fucking rice paper, and he calls it a dumpling.

You go in there, eat it, your shit blood for two weeks, and you can't figure out what's going on with your fucking life. You had a hemorrhoid? No, I've never had hemorrhoids. Yes, he has. No, I have not. Look at him. He said, look at the size of this fucking guy.

I had a hemorrhoid. I had like 10 of them. Yiki. Over fucking 280, you're going to get hemorrhoids. Yeah. Because you eat, your ass isn't prepared for that shit. There's an old Cuban saying, Como como mulo, caga cucko.

All right. Come, gore, puro. You know, look at him. You think he don't have an asshole problems with anything. He just goes to the bathroom and shits out the kelp. What do you think? Look at him. He goes to the bathroom.

He cries himself in there. Legs are falling out. He lives for gluten. He was eating. There's a lot. place around the corner from the YMCA. It's known for lizard meat. They got shot.

No way. They got shut down. What do you think he buys tacos? There's not been a... Iguanas. You know, Lee just has bad luck with food. Yeah. That's why we got him a fucking...

Tend of a stomach. We got him, uh, what do we get you, Lee? The lap band. A fucking thing. No, no, we didn't get him a lap bag. He lost 100 pounds on his own. We got him a bidet. Yeah, that I'm doing great.

in the bathroom. I don't know what you're talking about. Listen, Lee. Cleaned up all nice. It just don't come out. You don't eat anything. What was the last time you had a salad? The salad? You yelled at me about the Caesar salad. Yeah, because, no, because you eat salads at the wrong places.

He goes to a neighborhood bar and gets a Caesar salad. He can't mess up a Caesar salad. Bro, a neighborhood bar. Soup plantation. They put fucking, they put fucking, they put ranch instead of Caesar. You don't know.

They don't know. Don't tell me, though. I know the branch tastes like. What was the last time you had a salad? Tell me the truth. I just told you. A year ago? No. When they left time they tossed your salad?

What was the last time you had a salad? Look. Enough. Yeah. I have it right? Yeah. So what do you think comes out of his ass? I eat vegetables.

What do you eat? Summer sausage. I eat green beans. I eat corn. I eat all the time. Thanksgiving. I eat like spinach. I had, I had a...

You some ed and mama. I like an amama if I had it What does he call? He loves an amamis Anything fuck that'll fuck him up He loves all that shit But he won't just eat at an mama

He wants it dipped in honey or something You gotta eat ride Legerrigo man Eating escargo on the road Hell yeah You like escargo? A couple weeks ago He goes I'm making me

I bought blue cheese I'm making wings The next day he tells me My barbecue wings I go so what did you do with the blue cheese I dipped it in there Listen I know 2,000 people Nobody dips barbecue fucking wings is in blue cheese.

Yes, I do. That's a ranch. He's got a fucking, he got a lie to. So I got to deal with this shit now. You know, this is Johnny Food Boys. Barclue wings all this. If there's a bad, that's what you should do, Lee, give a bad restaurant review.

Any restaurant you go to just give a review on it, do a thing online. You must have put the Malook on me. I never had a bad look for. Yes, you did. Right at the, right at the, the blackjack table when you walked away. That's when you put the mulook on yourself.

You take chances eating those dumplings and you eat at these fucking creepy places. You come to places I'm taking you. No, I do not eat at those disgusting. If I smell curry, I don't even park the car. You know me. I smell curry. I don't even park the car.

I love curry. I had some people from Gower studio that wanted to meet me one day and they had decided on something and also at the last minute they go, we're at the Thai place on Gower next to Rosco's chicken I had to tell him I go listen I can't even walk in there

because curry after 10 minutes I gotta go I start I'm gonna go I start gagged You don't like it? No I don't like it around me I don't like when it smells like none of that shit So I get sick all that fucking food You feel that throwing up huh Couple years ago dog in 84 I was painting bathtubs

Imagine this pool with the spray good Oh dog I was on a ele herineiro And 84 I was dating this girl. It's technical. And she couldn't dump me because I borrowed money from her father, and I had to pay him back by spraying tubs. She wanted to break up with me.

Fuck her old boyfriend, but fuck no, she was tired and fuck. She knew if I broke up with her, she had to cover the 400. So she had to keep fucking doing what I'm doing. You understand me, you know me, dog. I'm a psychological. I'm like, fucking the people who eats dudes. You're the man with a plan. Had to elector.

That's right. And I used to get up. I used to do it with him Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturday mornings. And guys, he used to pay me a lot of loot. He got out of prison. He got out of prison and went to a convention that in those days, if you were on probation, you were required to go. And he got a small business loan to buy into this thing called Permissoram. And what it was, it was your own neighborhood.

So you got your own turf. So let's say you got the valley. He got the valley before nobody knew. So instead of buying a new tub, he would come over for 400 and resurface your fucking tub. He had to wear a gas mask, and all I had to do was open beers for him

and give him beers. That's all I did, dog. We had to stop at the liquor store. I'd get a cooler, put 12 pack of Budweiser cans filled with ice, and then we go to the gigs. I taped the job off. I cleaned the tub.

I'd put that acid on it. I put the mask on. and then I'd scrub the acid off and then I'd dry the fucking tub down we'd drink a beer or two I'd go outside and smoke a joint and then I'd come back and it'd be all taped off and he would go go do what you do and I would fucking, he would spray the fucking tub

and then we were waiting an hour put all the shit back in the car and then we would take the paper off voila the tub was done and that was my hook for a while that's what I did and one Saturday one Friday night when I did like 22 8 balls out of wedding and I had to meet him

at 8 in the fucking morning and we went to the nicest people's houses. They were American. One of those Hindus, the Patel's nicest people in the world. He got a contractor to do all the tubs in that fucking place. And I remember going with him like at 7.30 in the morning

when that Coke is still in your nose and you're burping that fucking Long Island ice tea. I was young, dogs. I was young. I was drinking iced teas all night. Your heads pounding. And I walked into this beautiful Hindu's house. And as I'm spraying the fucking, as I'm

cleaning the tub, I can smell the curry. And I'm starting to get dizzy. I'm starting to get dizzy. I go outside to get air. I come to my senses. I stick my finger down my throat. I puke. I go back in these beautiful people's homes.

They offer me water. They know I'm not feeling well. And then they came back with this fucking Hindu mush. And they go taste this. And I'm one of those dudes manager that I, listen, don't bother me. Oh, with a curry? It was something horrible. Horrible.

Masala, chicken masala. Cubans make tamal and casuela. Yeah. It's pretty fucking good. It's a tamale soup. The texture is very rich, and it takes a while. It's one of those tastes to acquire.

Not everybody likes tamal and casuela. My mom used to make it with little pieces of lobster meat, and then you put pecanque on it, but you got to eat it really hot because it's not it hardens into a fucking tamale. You know what I'm saying? That's why. So you got to eat this tamal soup on le ma'amama. Well, my mama Pinga way.

It's got to be boiling. It's fucking hot. It's burning. So your mom pours it. Then you got to pour the hot sauce on this motherfucker. There's little pieces of lobster. It's alive. And then you got to take an ice cube and put in the middle.

And then you really dope that motherfucker up. Gumbull. Oh, my God. It had the same texture. I only tasted it because it had the texture of tamala and casuela. It was white. It wasn't that orange texture that tamal has. It was a white text.

And I take it. And it had that curry in it, no, man. And I spit it right out in front of these poor people. You know me, I got no class. I couldn't get it. I couldn't even get the napkin. It came out with the vodka and the tonics and the blow and the cut, the aluminum foil, and the fucking... God, that he's fucking threw a poison.

Oh, I puked in front of these poor fucking Indian people. Burned their faces. And I knew ever since then, 1984, I knew, don't invite me to a curry joint. All right? This is 1984? I don't hang out with curry people. You understand me, Lee? I don't know what they eat.

I don't know who eats Kerry anymore. I do. I don't have to, please. Don't coconut curry me because you're going to upset me. I'm having a good time. I'm always happy to see you. I don't want to open up the vegan door. Please don't upset me, please.

If not you're going to start talking about you, your wife made Flon, I can't have that. I love more than, chicken money. I can't have that. I almost reported to you, no, I'm not a rat. I almost reported to you to the Cuban embassy last time. You put those fake tofu bananas up there. It hurt me.

me deep in my fucking soul manager, you know what I'm saying? I almost reported you to the Cuban embassy. That's right, man. They were throwing you in jail. They would have pulled you to Cuba. They would have taken you back to Cuban. I'm not there to help you. I told you, don't fuck with Cuban food.

Leave it alone. If you're not going to eat the beef, leave it alone. Please don't insult me. What's up, but you're always a pleasure seeing you. Oh, hell yeah. Likewise. There's some Joe Diaz, bro. Lee, you're going to eat that mushroom?

Or you're going to fucking sit there? Tell me what are you going to do, Lee? What are going on that fucking? every weekly. Do you want to eat this mushroom or what, Lisa? More, yeah, sure. What do you got left? Two caps or one cap?

You don't mean, though. We're going deep into the murk you. I'll take the little cap. That other one didn't like just made the fucking, uh, the, uh, the, uh, made that shit more vivid, the colors and the lighting. Oh, this is a little dog. Listen, Doug. 80% of the reason I do this podcast, I really enjoyed doing it.

I have a great time doing it. But I gotta be honest with you guys. It's my two days of hanging out with this poor bastard because I got all the respect in the world for Lysayat. Lysayat came from a complete different world where I came from and he's gone through hell. He caught the vapors. I've never beat him up.

I've never kicked him in the stomach. Disrespect of them. But I've given them shit that can kill a meal. Don't blame me for that fucking sushi. It wasn't the sushi. You've got food poisoning. No, I did not. You know I give credit when credit is due.

My edibles are always solid Nobody's ever gotten sick You gotta wash your hands When you eat sushi You know, I always never said The edibles were bad I'm just I've done it a couple times When you get over high

What do you have a sensitive stomach? Nobody No, I have a sensitive 500 milligrams for the first time No, you eat that one I got another one from me I'm gonna eat a professional cap When Lee where isn't me

We got more reef here We got everything We got everything here Yeah let me bro I don't know about you Lee you got to go over and then eat that fucking shroom and then things gonna be fucking better You know I'm saying enough enough we're going deep till it. Oh shit deep deep into the mercish waters give that to Lee right there That's his little party right there. Oh yeah god damn oh yeah wow that's you that's the last of it Lee I won't even ask you to do you no no no no no no no it's Sunday night you got a complete fuck you want a big of

No, I need a smoke. No, just for Felipe. That's it. That's the, I just ate the last big piece. That's it. Blast off. That's it. You eat that.

There's no more mushrooms until New Year's. And we do this acid. I got acid here, too. We'll save that for. Vegan acid. No, it's not vegan acid. The paper has beef juice on it and shit. Lee, we're going deep in the murky waters.

It's over. You're breaking your own record. What's the problem here? You're breathing heavy. making noises it's the fucking low what you're the thing that's what it's all about that's it the murky you always tell me you want to see the devil i never say that now you don't want to see me dad you want to fucking see me right now dad i got to get a little jeff on this show haven't had him on here on no because he you know it's he lives like fucking ontario

don't he he lives deep in the fucking baseline dog yeah lee what he's doing he what he Don't make money. You're breaking it and half. You're dope it. You think you're magicianian. I'm trying to break it. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Eat the fucking thing,

Lee, you're insulting. Chew it, man. You're insulting me. You know, you're insulting me. You're insulting this whole mushroom society. You're trying to fake the funk and breaking it half of you.

You're insulting sushi. Like, this is UNICEF. Like you're breaking off at the piece. Like, there's eight kids waiting for a piece of mushroom. Inhale that fucking thing. Be a Marine, cucked sucker. You represent the Hebrews. Do it for Johnny, man.

Fuck Johnny. Do it for the fucking Israel Army. That's what you represent. The yakuza from Israel, Japan. What are you thinking about? What are you huffing and puffing? There's a fucking helmet on it, dude. So what?

That's what you need in your life? You need a helmet. You're like General Moshe. What's wrong with four pieces? Seven days war. You're in training. This is what you get for fucking around all week. I had.

I had stars. I went to Brussels, chicken and waffles. I'm over here eating fucking mushrooms by myself. You're the Captain Kirkland of the center. the co-capt of this enterprise. You can't let me go into this journey. Who am I going to call it to in the morning and harassed him?

Don't be doing the Puerto Rican switch. Check his fingers and shit. You even chew it out. You need some orange juice. Not going to happen. He don't even know. I got some great flavor. Let me give you some lift water.

This got bubbles in it. It's so good. He forgot how to chew. Oh, no. He plays with it. He fucking sits there. They're coming in shit. I don't know what you're talking about

They're not in shit Yes they are My buddy cleaned them Festos relax Here give them an apple drink They'll go down nice with the apple drink I'm not going I'm going to die anything

No my gosh Please you gotta finish it That's bad luck and shit No it's not Yes it is They'll put a curse on you From the fucking Indians I can't

Eat a little piece leave I'm gonna puke That's okay You puke before A big fucking deal It's Sunday night cock suckers. It's good to see you, Felipe. Always a pleasure. You see you, man. Always a pleasure to see Rodrigo. We go back way back when we took the

fucking acting class and the gay dude. In your backyard. Sisko brought his son. The kiss of death was there too, huh? The kiss of death. Rick Romo's were all smoking. I left Rick Romo's a message today. I haven't spoken to Rick Ramlos in two years probably. It's been a while. Last time I seen him was a Gave me some Rick Ramos, bro. It's all flustered. Eat that mushroom cut second. You got to eat half of it at least.

I ain't a fucking four things. I'm over here giggling by myself. Look at my eyeballs. No, you're not. You're over there having tarant. Put the mushroom in your night. Drink the apple water. Over here, looking like Pablo Escobar. You know what I mean, dog?

We'll stay on the air until you eat that mushroom. So, the quicker you would just throw it into your throat and down it with the the apple drink. We'll be giggling. We'll put some Pink Floyd on. Everybody goes home. Well, he eats like, and I mentioned my show this week.

Sure. Talk about your show. I'll be at Edison Improv this week, Thursday through Sunday, this week. Oh, shit. And on Dallas. Also, watch me on the superstore on Thursday, at 8 p.m. on NBC. Check out my What's So Food Podcast with Rodrigo Torres. And my wife and I have a podcast, Inchella the Casserol.

We talk about birth. We talk about being raised by Brze. parents would hit us and we talk about my wife um we we were trying to have a baby all year and she had we had a second miscarriage we lost another baby but we're still trying right she might take acupuncture yes we might need your acupuncture person it's just the marina d'all right yeah what's going on lee where's that mushroom and shit you're over there pondering your decision like it's like signing the marines just eat the fucking thing i'm overeat i'm overeat you're pieces by myself with no water.

It's like, I had, inhale that fucking monster. We're going deep into the murky water. Deep. It's November 6th. It's election week. Hey, go. Drink the thing. Drink the thing now. Don't drink. Drink. Drink. There you go. There you go. Chug, chug, chug.

This poor bastard. I love him to death. Ladies and gentlemen, a fucking soldier. Like a boss. He's a soldier. He's an American soldier. He came around at the right time. There's no blow. There's no, where's the rest of it? Let me see you either.

I don't know. I don't want no stories. You should pop the eye ball. That's the rest of the night right there. We'll put on fucking Black Sabbath, volume four. I'll make your head grow. You understand? You don't know what hit you.

Next thing you know, there's spider's on your scalp. You got a lot of shit going on, man. And you deserve a lot of shit. That's why I was telling you to chase that anarchy pilot. It just got released. Somebody said that they're releasing two spin-offs. I guess Brad Pitt's doing the father. Yeah, he's doing pre.

Yeah. And then they're doing Myers. You're a Mayer. I'm waiting. I've been lifting weights. I know you put some weights. You've been renting a motorcycle? Not yet.

You've got to rent a motorcycle. Not they've got to pull you on the truck. You're like an asshole. You got to get into it. You know what I'm saying? Rent the guy. Tell you to take it to a park where there's no cars and just make believe like it's you and learn how to do that.

And like that, you know, when they got the part in the room, and they go, when you read a knock, I'm dead. They'll go, can you ride a motorcycle? And you know, what are you kidding me? How are you? I can't. I'm evil can evil's cousin. And that's it, but you're prepared because they're going to ask you.

And then they're going to ask you. They're getting pulled on a truck. And you're like, make-believe the trees. They're like chips. Yeah, you're all relaxed. If I'm doing 60, I'm on this motherfucker. I'm not singing fucking songs, you know what? But that's what it looks like.

So it kind of looks shitty. So I told you, Felipe, get prepared to fall off the bike. be a little stuntman too. We'll get you a couple of yards extra. We'll put some knee padding on you. You're Mexicans. You guys don't get workman's comp. It's over.

I'm ready to fall. You don't need it. You don't give a fuck. You'll take a fall. You'll be the next morning. Bam! Like Rodrigo, I tell that story on stage. What the, uh, you fell off the roof.

The ladder? Oh, my gosh. Rodrigo, that was one of the funniest conversations I've ever had on a phone call in my life. So I've been part of some funny conversations on the phone. because you called me like nothing happened and then you broke it down from it you fell off the ladder and I'm like is this a dream

nothing really happened to I went to this fool's house It was a big ass bobo in the back of it I took a boggle with it was like He had like six months of bad luck Like he lost an ear A battery fell on the finger A battery fell on your finger And then you fell off the fucking roof

When you're telling me your story I said a prayer for you You got out of the phone but I'm like What's going on with fucking Regigo Like who falls off a roof and is walking around? Yeah, man. And then that shit didn't blow up, blow up until I went to this fool's house and I took a bong rip and I coughed. I guess the blood vessels because, you know, it was like I got kicked in the back by a fucking horse.

But then I took that hit and that shit fucking just started expanding like a lot. Yeah, it was just all the blood just fucking rushing, dude. And then I had to get that shit leaked out and that was it. It was just a contusion. You know, man, at the end of the day, we know each other a long time, guys, long. Fucking comedy, fucking. Yeah, man. Fuck, it went by fast.

I wish it would have been different. You know what I'm saying? Fuck. May I plug my shows for flappers? Is that cool? Fuck, no. What do you think this is a plug factory? Where does your show of flappers little brother?

It's November 21st. We're going to start it out on a Monday at the Uhoo room in Burbank, 8 p.m. And then 29th in December. That's my show, at Flappers and Claremont. Yeah, I'm going to try to do a monthly show there. So we're going to start out small. The UHoo Room is a nice room.

to set the fucking the Yuga Room is a very nice room I'm doing Valentine's Day that 9 o'clock Awesome Anti-show she called me up Barbara and I said yeah You know who gives the fuck

It's when I did those No Expectations tour That little Yugal room is gold You know all you need is sturdy people To get the party started Oh hell yeah I'm not big You know I don't want to fucking sell

200 tickets on a Tuesday night That's too much stress Dirty tickets we all go back there Everybody eats a fucking appetizer Bada pina bada boom You go home. You got a nice underground parking. You're next to Barney's Beatery.

You give Mom a cocktail and take home and give her a stabbing. And nobody gets their fucking feelings hurt. You know what I'm a nice, easy place. All these little clubs around this. We don't have the leisure that we used to have. We don't have those. Doug, I cut my teeth on those fucking rules. Hell yeah, man.

From the Brave Bull to Wild Coyote's. To your Wild Coyote to Tuesday and Wednesday. The hop. The first time I went to the hop, Somebody gave me blow. I thought I was a fucking movie star. Like I drove straight home. I didn't stop to get nothing.

They eat nothing. The first time I went to the hop because I met these guys on the Wednesday night show. That's the Wild Coyote. Something. It was something and then you said, what are you doing tomorrow night? Meet us at this place.

The place was fucking packed. I went up there and talked about blow and they went fucking crazy. And as I was walking out, there was like a tent in the back. and one of the guys pulled me and put something in my hand. It was a big old rock. I got in that car with 40 in my pocket, a rock of Coke, and a pack of smoke.

What? You ain't stopping. What? I'm driving in the right-hand lane. I'm doing the speed limit. You know what I'm saying? I'm in no rush. I don't have to do nothing outside the ordinary.

I just got to get the fuck home. And, man, but those rooms, that place, Casa Latina. I remember when those rooms dried up, right as I stopped doing coke. And those rooms are what fed my addiction without nobody really knowing. Because any check I would get, I would give to my wife. But those $60, $70, remember, when you go out three times a week, even if you're fighting for your life, when you go out three times a week and you come on with $70 a night, that's $2.10, bro.

That's 840 on the street. That's if you don't do an extra on the show or some Paul Rodriguez, don't call you the open for them for a small nickel. You know what I'm saying? That means in L.A. I was hustling making fucking $800 a month. Me too. In 20s, going home, putting gas money, stopping at the taco place off to five.

The point that Mexicans don't like, but I fucking love. And do no, VFW for Gilbert. The BFW for Gilbert. Good ass tacos across the street. Oh, my God, the food truck and the fucking tacos lead. You're heading a blue-neague movie. And it's called... Delaware. Delaware, right?

That's where he lives. Delaware. We used to go down there for $40 for the VFW. Yeah, PCA. But the tacos were 50 fucking cents. Wilmington. Wilmington. Wilmington, not Delaware. Wormington. Big Wilma, shout out.

And then we used to go to one other place where it was scary. The stage used to shake. Unlike Wednesday nights in West Covene, it was out there, dog. And I remember me, you, eight of us were going on stage for 40 bucks. And then we had to play some Pasadena for a while. Yeah, Q's. Cues. Wow, the fucking years have gone, brother.

We're still in the game. Your brother tapped out. And then Tuesday night, they had that place in Hollywood. It didn't pay, though, but it was a good place to hang out. Which one? Oh, man, was it called now? It was a Dublin. Dublin.

I only went to Dublin's two times. Me too, man. I didn't like Dublin. I wasn't for me. They didn't pay. Well, it wasn't at the table. didn't pay it wasn't our scene it wasn't our scene see in those days I used to get 1215 1230 spots at the improv of the comedy store four nights a week so I had something at 1230 so what

I'm gonna do sit in my house at 9 o'clock at night fucking Felipe what's going on come on down here bro we got something down here 30 bucks what the fuck 30 bucks is 30 bucks you get there on e you know what I'm saying you got there on me and you knew we were gonna score the one place as soon as I walk in, my fucking burrito was waiting under the... Green pork burrito. I'm never going to lie to nobody how Felipe took care of me in that room. All I had to do is walk in, and

sometimes it was in a to-go container. Or something the Mexican waiter, the manager will give it to you. Joey, when am I up, dog? Joey, how much are you going to go down there with the hunger of ten men, dog? Are you fucking kidding me?

Remember fucking Peter Chen? Oh, my God. You know, you have no idea what those rooms do, you, you know, until you sit back. Why you're doing them? You're like, ah, 30 bucks, who gives a fuck? Fuck you. You're feeding me.

Let me tell you something. Say what you want to say about that early G, dog. He was giving me 40 bucks every Monday night. That dude kept me in cocaine for years. Up there and a bro. What was the name of the room? The rumbo room. Monday nights.

Monday nights, man. Come on. You say what the fuck you want to say? I love to kick him in the stomach, too. But at the end, at the end, I got to put my hand down and go, dog, for about a year. and a half, you don't know what you did.

The $40 I took on the longest yard were the $40 he gave. I had $40, three cigarettes, and the joint. I went up there to do Monday. I was leaving Tuesday at 10. When that limo came to get me and I had $40, you know what I felt like?

Because I got a tip this fucking guy. I had to give him a $20. I got $20. I got on the plane with like fucking, you know, movie stars. And I got a 20, two camel lights, which I was holding on to dear fucking life. You understand me?

I wouldn't smoke those things unless there was an earthquake. I was like one of those Katrina motherfuckers. I had that thing in a baggie and everything. And I had one joint. And I was like, I'm going to hold on to this fucking thing. And you know what, I start. I get to Albuquerque right away. I go to my hotel on the way of this checking girls.

There's a bunch of girls. And then, like, if you're in the movie, you have to check in here. And I walk over to the girl, in and she gives me an envelope. I go, what's in the envelope? I went like this. She goes, no, take it up to your room and read it when you're upstairs

and then bring the contracts back downstairs. I go upstairs to my hotel room. I put my luggage away. I set up the sleep apnea machine. I thought it was a movie contract in that motherfucker. I emptied a fucking thing out. And there's like a contract.

Then there's a contract for a rental car. I had a license, but I didn't have a license. You ever been in that situation? Like I had a Colorado license. I was living in California for eight years. I lost my Colorado license on a plane, like, you know, after 9-11, all the fucking shit. So I lost my fucking license, so I didn't have a license. So, you know, how am I going to get this fucking car?

They didn't even ask me. They didn't even fucking ask me. Then there was another envelope, and I left in that envelope, and there was $800 bills. Per diem? Per diem? I walked to that balcony I opened that motherfucker up and I lit that fucking joint

like I owned that hotel. You understand? And I smoked half of it. You know me? I smoked half of that motherfucker. I put it out and I put a cup over it so the wind would blow it off the balcony because that's the last joint Uncle Joey

had. And I got a knock at the door from one of the Bellman and he goes, excuse me. I have another contract for you. And he gave it to me. He goes, by the way I have blueberry something and something else

and I go What did you just say And he goes I could smell it in your room And if you need it I got blueberry something And something else I go where can I find you in 10 minutes

He goes right downstairs at the desk I went right down there With a yardstick And he gave me a big old bag Of this fucking I was in heaven You know the first year I got to the longest yard

I didn't work I didn't work I went to Albuquerque He did a few jumping jacks They had me walk around, and then they go, just go to the hotel. We'll call you when you need you. I would wake up. I would eat with the team and then go back to my hotel room, smoke pot, watch TV, wait for them to call.

If they wouldn't call by five, I just go doodle over to the set and see what they were doing. They'd all give me hugs. They go, you came at the right time. There's dinner. I would eat and then walk back to my fucking hotel. That's what I did for the first week and a half. How crazy? And they pay you.

Hell yeah. How fucking crazy is that? Fucking crazy as fuck, but that's badass. I'm real happy for you, Philippi. You got shows and you got that chick, right? She's hot. She's always hot. The chick that played the ugly Betty.

Yeah. That's her name. America Ferrara, yeah. She's very nice to you. She's very nice on the set. Yeah. Everybody will know, even that guy from the kids in the hall. When you're on the set, can you believe that you were homeless at one time?

I can't believe it, man. Can you imagine if you raised your hand and said, guys, before we even do this, you know, I saw I smoke crack at one time. Before you start, I can say, let everybody know that I ordered Armandhammer, baking soda, and a big spoon for room service. One of the funniest stories of all time. One of the funniest fucking things I ever heard in my life.

One of the funniest calls I ever got on the Monday morning, ever. Ever. That just drew me off. When V called me. That was one of the fun. Like, I was just blown away. That's when I knew the power of Felipe. That's why I knew the power of drugs and Felipe.

I knew there was Indian blood. All my suspicions were confirmed. You know what I'm saying? He lit the curtain on fire. I don't fucking, I'm like, what are you talking about? And Pete was a sweetheart. Pete wasn't even mad. He got it.

And then you went in there and fucking killed the room on a Monday night open mic on a three-day binge. You couldn't even see these. They're still talking about that fucking set. So it's all the rest. I don't know what I said, man. You lit the room on fire two times.

I put my name on the list and then I went up, I did 20, got off, then I put my name again. You know, Felipe had teamed up that weekend. I forget his name is and I wouldn't want to say it. Felipe teamed up that weekend with a kid that was a very interesting kid. As a matter of fact, I loved him at one point in my life. He was an innocent redneck who dog, when you got cocaine

that motherfucker went off Felipe did he go off he went off white dude I love crazy white people that's why I don't like Starbucks that's why I don't like none of that shit if you're gonna be white you better be fucking crazy

I want you to be crazy manager don't come through because it's not it makes you like everybody else who gives a fuck I like crazy fucking white people I like rednecks okay yeah I like Elvis I like Anything fucking redneck. Hey, win them. Because they're rednecks, they have like a, like I was telling somebody,

I was trying to explain to you the other day. Rednecks really run shit. Get a copy of the CMA Awards, whatever they did last week. And first of all, they took Beyonce off with the white chicks, the Dixie chick singing. I'm not mad about that. That's got nothing to do with me. I didn't even give a fuck about that.

What happened? That chick went up there. What's her name? Not the one that's married to McGraw. not Faith Hill, that bitch is on her own planet, but the other blonde one up there. And she had a dress on a national TV that was a quarter inch above that monkey.

And it looked good on in the dress. She looked beautiful. They were saying kind of stuff that was a little passe for eight o'clock. Like if you drink that, you're going to pee-pee. If you smoke that, you're going to get the munchies. Like, it was a little like somebody else wouldn't get away with it. I enjoy country music.

I don't give a fuck. You know what I mean? My wife taped it for one of the performances. And I go, why are you tap it for a lot? Let me watch it. And I watched it for a little while. I thought it was fucking amazing. Like, you know, the quarterback was there.

They tortured him. Yeah. And it was a great scene. Yes, it was rehearsed. But it was still fucking great. You know what I'm saying? Like, at least they talk to a quarterback, country music. So I like crazy white people.

That's what my fucking point. Joey what the fucking point why are you talking about TV shows cucka because I love crazy why me it'd be crazy this guy would get crazy crazy there's too crazy white people in Texas there's that and they're their teeth boots off either no that's what's her name Ashley Monroe who is that country singer no no no no no no no it's the other hot one the other one that sings off the fucking charts but uh so this kid whatever his name was one time i had a drive from

houston to fuck it was 10 hours and i remember him telling me though listen i'll cover the gas but you gotta cover the eight ball i'm like eight ball he's like fuck yeah and when we get there they got two eight balls waiting for us he had another white dude that was what do you get when you have a warrant put out for you because you're married twice. Pelagamy.

Polygamy. He had the club at this place. He was a magician horrible, but he was coked up from A to Z. He made Joe Diaz look like a fuck and like I didn't have a problem. Hell yeah, I know that guy too. Oh, that's crazy. I love. The first crazy white dude I haven't met. They were looking for that for the show. In Colorado, I woke up one morning and I heard this southern accent. Oh, the fuck is in my living room. I want this dude's name with Carl. He was making

me laugh my ass. He was arguing people by North Carolina basketball. You ain't got nothing to say a second. He was like, and where are you from? California? Yeah, right. You see a life. Fuck that. Where you've been the last 10? He was just dropping knowledge and I became friends on him all those years. I think I was telling

Leah's story one night where we went a video store and there was a guy with a windbreaker on and he walked in and he's like, what's happened, man? It was a crazy night. Last night we got fucked up. And all of a sudden he's like, man, I did so much Coke last night and there's a guy

with his back towards us and he could hear the conversation like, oh what the fuck? He goes, man, hug him. He goes, I got fucked up last night and all of a sudden right in front of me he says picking his nose right? He takes out this boulder of a snuck with his

head attached to it. And he looks at it and he goes what am I? Like in his mind I can see him thinking like what am I going to do with this thing? And in his mind I could see it. And so he looked back at the dude with the windbreaker, and he just flicked it at him. And when it hit the windbreaker, it went.

Like, yeah. That little thump. And I'm like, this guy. That's. This guy is originally crazy. Like, I like those guys. This is how this dude in Houston was. If you wanted to go, if you wanted to snort Coke, this guy would snort Coke.

He took me to two places. He took me away for two weekends. The one weekend was Corpus Christi where they tried to pass with Coke. weren't you with us? Maryland, when they came to the room and I told Marilyn to give me her stash. Yeah. The guy gave us both like an eight ball.

I told Maryland, just give me your stash. I'll give you the 200. Maryland took 100 for the eight ball. It was fucking yellow. I didn't come home that something. I didn't come home until Tuesday. Maybe Wednesday. That's it, guys.

Yeah, man. I'm happy to fucking see you, Philippe. Happy to you, too, man. So what's left for the year? Where are your New Year? New Year's Eve, no show, but January 21st, I'm at the Novo in downtown LA, formerly the, no, Club Nokia. Club Nokia. Look at Lee, look at this fucking beauty.

The Novo. What's up, Lisa? In Indiana with Paul Rodriguez, Lisa. Okay. November 19. So you're staying home? At the Horsesu Casino. You're staying home the home month of December?

Yes, the last three weeks. Just relaxing. Relaxing. Listen, you don't want to be one of those assholes at the airport. Ain't nothing worth that aggravation. No, man. Every year you sit there, you go, look at these assholes at the airport. I love these agents that call you.

I got a tremendous gig for you in the 26th. Yeah, where is it? Fucking Alaska. That's where I want to fucking go. You know what I'm saying? Got this gig in the 27th for in Detroit, if you want it. Huh? They'll tell you, I have a gig December 27.

It's a Wednesday, right? I don't know. Huh? No, like, they'll ask you, I have a gig for you December 27. You know what? It's a fallout. I sign down for a gig, and I got a can't. It's my wife's birthday.

I'll tell you what. If I don't cancel, my wife ain't gonna say nothing to me. But you know what? I got 360 other fucking days to work. Even if we just walk hand to hand and go to the movies and come home at 8 o'clock. We get babysitters till 10, we never make it.

That's how old you are. When you get a babysitter, you go to dinner and you look at each other and go, fuck this, we're going home. Yeah. We always have to pay the babysitter, like out of embarrassment. You know what are we going to do? I'm like, what are we going to do?

But even if I just do that with my wife, I can't just get up and go, so I got to call the fucking agent tomorrow. I didn't realize when I booked the fucking gig that this is my wife's birthday. But what are you going to fucking know? Yeah, we have a rabbit sitter. We have a pet rabbit,

and we'll go out of town sometimes we leave it at a rabbit sitter and hangs out with all the rabbits. Hey, you know me. Just shout out some slippers. Just make sure Lee don't get his hand on that rabbit. Lee bumps into animals like that. He'll go on the Korea town.

He'll hear him stab him. Lee's like Lundy, man. Lee's my brother, though. He just, he makes bad choices. Look him. Look him. He'll go home and eat hummus on top. He still goes to subway.

My spies tell me, Festos still goes over the subway. It's a 24-hour subway. They see him creeping on Lowell K. Two in the morning with slippers and a robe on with a fucking Santa hat, you know. We thinks he's slick.

You don't think I know. He's been seen him. McDonald's drive-through one night speaking Spanish toast hamburgas, for favor. Lease solid is the rock of Gibralton. Nobody else would still stay here this long.

He gets fucking bazizzle two nights a week. Two weeks ago he did that, so it took him three days to recover. You understand me? He's a tank of death, this kid. They don't even make him like this no more. They don't make him like this no more. The last of the Mohicans. That's it.

He's not even a millennium no more. He's just the regular fucking savage now. He used to be a millennial. When he met me, he was doing all stupid shit, going to a bar hanging out with six people at a ball, like friends. This ain't no episode of friends. Now, he's all right. He's got a

girlfriend. He's got a bidet. He smokes refa. He eats edibles. He's up to what? 1,200 milligrams. This all started with a 10 milligram fucking cookie. Look where you are now. 1,200 milligrams. You're one of the best producers in the business.

You're a great friend, you're a fucking animal, look at you. You're going to eat another mushroom cap so we can throw away the bag of the evidence? No. Oh, my dude, I'm so fucked out. You know, you're not. What do you mean, no, about it? You're as tough as nails. You don't even know how I'm fucked up you are.

You got to smoke another bond hit. Yeah, and that'll calm you down and shit. They'll open that for me. My fingers are all fucked up. All right, I like to thank, Audit. Honit's always been there for us since day one. one of the best products out in the market you know us we can't do nothing for you

on the weight side or the weighted vest as far as supplements are concerned honest the best there is from the alpha brain to the shroom tech to the to the to the to the uh what's the fucking protein shake I like

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I looked at the website, and I liked the prices and whatnot. But you know what? I got a gorilla wrist. My wife bought me a bracelet and I told her, don't buy me the fucking bracelet, but she bought it for me,

and I told her when she got it for me, put it on my wrist. It don't fit. That's why I told you not to get the fucking bracelet because now I can't get the bracelet fixed unless I go back to that same jewelry store in New Jersey. You know how hard it is to get to that jewelry store? It's easier to get the fucking Marlon Brando

on Apocalypse now to get to that fucking jewelry store. I was at the light for fucking four lights one time, though, in the middle. Like it hadn't even turned onto Bergen-Line Avenue. So forget it. So I'm stuck with this fucking thing. I got no problem. He even told me mail it to me,

and I'll take care of it. But anyway, I gave the watch to Lee. Lee, what do you think so far of your MVMT watch? I love it. It's slick. I really, I've always liked black on black. That's the one I have.

I think it looks great. It's very light. I got it fitted right to me. It took two seconds. It was like 10 bucks. They gave you four extra links. It was great. Mine feels great.

I love it. And it tells great. Yeah, it tells the time. For people who don't know, MVMT, the company was started by. two college kids that wanted to wear stylish watches but couldn't afford them. So they started their own watch company. I mean, they started it from scratch.

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Why are you playing with my feelings? All right. Number two, you want a good night's sleep? My mattress is tremendous. You know why? I got a helix sleep. You know why? Because you're unique.

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Helixleaf.com slash Joey. Who fucking think you're messing with? bananas. Hold on. I got an itchy. What are you looking at? You look at me like I owe you $32. Relax, will you? He's a jokes. Lee, he's a fucking jokes. Lee, what do you like about Blue Apron? You know what I love about it? It's teaching me to be better with my time because you really

have to be really quick. You have to have everything ready. It's great. I love it. I cooked. What I loved last week and I cooked on Periscope is the crispy chicken. I made mashed potatoes and spicy collard greens. I've never made mashed potatoes before. with a collard greens fresh. Oh, my God. The vegetables were fresh, correct?

Everything's fresh. Yeah, I had to clean them, clean them, and then we cooked them with oil and garlic. It was amazing. Oh, my God. Everybody who eats Blue Apron, I get emails, and people love it. And here's the beauty of it for less than $10 a meal. Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with proportioned ingredients

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Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Hey, your career is hectic. You're on the move. Blue Apron is a better way to cook. Again, Blue Apron.com slash Joey. I have to thank Blue Apron. I'd like to thank Helix Sleep. and MVP M-T watches for sponsor of the podcast tonight.

I'd thank Felipe Sparser. Thank you, Joe. Fucking Rodrigo Torres, a.k.a. Silent Bob for stopping by. What's so, fool. Lisa Ayat, how you doing? You all right, my brother? I'm doing good.

All right, I'll see you motherfuckers Saturday night at the Foxwoods Casino. I got nothing for you Friday night, but Saturday, I got nothing but love for you. Leas will be there. We're going to do the show, and I'm going to watch McGregor in fucking whatever fight, and that's that the way it's going to be.

The 18th of November, I'm in the, what's the name of the festival? Come and Take It. Come and Take It Festival in Houston, not perform in November 18th. You got to get a single day pass for $35. You catch a couple great shows, but I don't know what time. I go up at 10 o'clock. So that means I think you can watch Todd Barry at 8.

It's a great little festival. I'll either see you motherfuckers at Foxwoods. I'll either see you motherfuckers at the Wilbur. to Wilbertina, oh, I'll see you motherfuckers at to come and take a comedy festival in Houston. I'll talk to you guys Tuesday. Stay black, Uncle Joey loves you. What's up, fool?

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