The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #429 - Nick Turturro

Episode Date: November 9, 2016

Nick Turturro, Actor seen in films and TV such as "The Longest Yard" and "CSI", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free.    Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order.   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines   Recorded live on 11/08/2016.
  

The church of what's happening now is presented by Onit. This show is brought to you by Texture. The texture app lets you tap into the world's most popular magazines, anytime, anywhere, using your smartphone or tablet, and get a free trial when you go to texture.com slash joey. That's right, our listeners get a free trial at texture.com slash joey. Show is also brought to you by Meundees. Go to Meundies.com slash Joey right now to get 20%

off of your first order of all of their men's and women's underwear, t-shirts, socks, and much, much more. I love their sweatpants and their shorts. Go to meundies.com slash Joey to get 20% off of your first order. You're sitting there thinking about who won, who's the president, what am I going to do? Don't do dick, all right? Uncle Joey's here, never fear. Churchill, what's happening now?

My little Gumballi, Lysayat. My main man, Nick Latour. Good to be here Wednesday November 10th November 9th Kick it, I'm new Lee Kick it, kick it, kick it, kick it

I want the speakers blown out, Lee I'm picking your back, motherfuckers to the Jersey Shore Summer of 80 fucking four People sucking dick condoms Blown up Are you kidding me or what? Oh yeah

Long Island Uncle Sam's Feathers $8 Tuesday night Montego Bay The fucking Red Devils An Alabama Slammer and a kamikaze

Put together Two Kueludes and two of those It's over Yeah You wake up in the morning With a missing shoe You know what I'm saying? It's a good time

Kick that motherfucker Mulee All night All night What Take you filthy animals There you go Take it like a man

Go deep Deep. Are you fucking kidding me or what? You landed on the right motherfucking podcast. You know what I'm saying? The church of what's happening now? Whatever the fuck happens tonight. Listen, we're doing the podcast Tuesday night.

But obviously you went to bed earlier. You're a normal human. Or you're sitting there crying and you're vodka tonic doing coke. What am I going to do? President Trump, listen, I tell you once. I tell you a thousand times. You got to keep doing what you've been doing. You think when fucking Fidel took over.

Castro, there was no thought. You had one fucking option. So for you people who are looking to split, I got travel agents and contacts all over the world. Remember, I was always looking to split too. But where the fuck are you going to go? You know what I'm saying? They say it every election.

No one's going to do that. And like I said before, you know, we sit here in California and even California, come on. You ever get stuck on Burbank Boulevard. You're thinking you're in fucking hell. Yeah. You know where you go get the chicken terriaki? You ever parked there and just look around.

You're like, this is California? in California. This could be Bayonne, New Jersey. It's true. There's parts here look like fucking hell hit it. But the people who are in the nicer parts, you know, they just see their neighborhood, and they see their nice little grammar schools and their nice little white teachers and stuff. You know, when I travel, I go to places like Pittsburgh, where I went as a kid. When I was a kid, I went to the fourth grade with Jackie Hernandez, his nephew,

Octavio Fernandez. And he used to get tickets, and we go up to the Pittsburgh game. we wanted and whenever the Pittsburgh pirates came to Shay we were front and center fucking we knew fucking Jackie and there's a shortstop with the fucking Afro under yeah and I remember going up there and looking at those bars and going someday I'm gonna be able to come up here look at the city it's alive people talk about New York City Buffalo New York there were Syracuse Rochester these are wall cities guys that had tons of of from Fisher Price to this to the Bisco to this to

I don't even know. I don't even know. And over something, one day they all shut down. Those jobs went to somebody else. Yeah. And like we discussed before the show, these were people that, you know. The heart and soul of America, right? Yeah, your son's no fucking genius.

You know, he's too stupid to be a Marine, and he's too stupid to go to college. He's either going to fucking weld fucking doors or he's going to go work with his dad, you know? Right. These are people, these are fucking generations of people that have these jobs, and they took him away, you know. I had Buffalo, you know, Buffalo baseball, for example, the Buffalo Bisons. The number one in attendance since fucking Jesus worked fucking short skirts. They got nothing on there, right? You know, but still you've got Canada, you got the waterfall.

Buffalo's a beautiful city that's, yeah, it's made a little bit of a comeback, but not the heyday where they were. And this is why it doesn't surprise me. You know, Michigan. Go to Michigan, Grand Rapids. They're losing their fucking jobs, making cars, right? They don't make no fucking cars no more. Yeah, but do you ever think this country will, you know, be what it once was, that those places will come back and thrive again and then America will be like,

I don't think so. Well, I mean, you know. Part of me says yes, not because of a president, okay? Right. Not because of a president, but because of commerce. Hopefully more businesses are open up, back up in those areas. It's very tough to open up a business right now. Oh, yeah.

It's very tough. Come on, do you walk on Ventura Boulevard? Everything is for lease, everything is for rent. People can't make it. They can't make it out here. People are struggling everywhere. You know, it ain't no joke. It's not that, you know, it's got to be better.

It's got to get better. The people where we live, they're all, like, in shock of what's going on at this point. At this point, we have no president yet. You know, we're still in limbo. Trump's winning. Trump's losing. You know, who the fuck knows? Like I said

I'm not here to upset nobody or nothing like this I just you have to see this for what it is Yeah I uh Michael Moore isn't someone who I am a huge fan of I I liked him at the beginning But then I found out some stuff about him that made me not like him But he said this thing that was really

It really made me understand Trump Because I come from a very democratic place And he said it's just It's people who feel Like they have nothing left And they're angry And he's saying fuck you to them And I understand that.

Like, luckily, I'm not in a terrible position. So I don't, I don't feel that hopeless. I don't feel or scared like he's saying those people feel. But I can understand why that would make, like they're saying record people came out to vote. So they can't say that no one came out to vote. There's millions of people waiting in line for hours. So they're just not voting for who people wanted them to vote for. I mean, this morning I woke up and, listen, I'm just lazy.

I could go down there and register and do the whole thing. It's been over fucking 20 years since I had a felony. But I don't know. I was raised in Hudson County and I saw dirty politics as a young man. It always broke me. That was one of the things that really broke me. That was one of the things when you come from another country and you read about in grammar school that you're like, wow, this really exists.

And all of a sudden, I see cops coming to my mom's bar and get an envelopes. whenever there's a mayor's ball, you had to pay for these overpriced tickets even if you didn't show up. But if you wanted something for your bar or something, you had to show up. You know, I saw, as I got old and I moved to North Bergen,

I can't tell you what I saw. It's overwhelming and the things I heard. And who I was at the time, you know, I was trying to, at that age, I was just trying to get accepted. You know, I was a Cuban kid and all.

Italian, Irish neighborhood, and they were all into politics. And I couldn't believe it. Like, Nick, I couldn't fucking believe it. You know, I really broke my spirit as, that's why I'm not into politics. I don't believe a word of it, a word of it, because I grew up in an environment where that's all they talked about. That's all they did, you know, if you want to get anything done,

you had to go to your local guy, and then he went to a guy. But at election time, you had to hang your sign on your window. And you had a knock on it on. You speak Spanish, right? Yeah, okay, you got to knock on doors for us to an election time and let people know they got to vote. And I saw how they corrupted my town with that. I saw a little small town, a thriving Italian, an Irish,

couple Jews, couple Germans. And if you didn't vote and stuff, they wouldn't take care of your driveway. When they were supposed to shovel, they wouldn't shovel your driveway. I mean, they would do the little minute things just to let you know that they know you didn't vote there. You know, but you want Nick Jr. to play in the county league, you got to vote.

Right. You know, it was some of that shit. So I saw it in a micro way. And then as I got old, I read about the Kennes and you read about, you know, this guy and that guy. And you go, it's the same shit only in a bigger picture. Right. You know, where I came from, it's a $100 a day movie. This is scale.

You know, this is fucking scale. Right. That's how you start. So, and you want to assume otherwise. So it broke me. It broke my, uh, my spirit. You know, I, I look at the elections. This one more than the last, whatever, how old I am is a fucking joke.

This one was a real, it's not as much of a joke as this is an eye-opener. Absolutely. Yeah. I agree. Yeah, that's true. But, you know, it was bound to happen. Something like this was, if it wasn't Trump, or maybe it was somebody like Trump, you know. It's just hard to explain that, you know, someone could get that far and now maybe pull off the impossible dream, but it is a weird night.

I know, it's just weird. I come over here and I'm like, there's something weird in the air. I don't know what's going to happen, but, you know, you feel like, oh, if that happens, what's next? You know, but really, like you said, tomorrow's another day. You got to get up. You got to go out. You got to get a job. You know, you've got to continue to live, right?

So hopefully we'll survive no matter what happens, but there's just hope for the best and pray I mean I've seen things Nick you know I mean after 9-11 how could you ever be the same I don't know I was in the Jersey show when that happened then I was blown away I almost traveled that week and you know he's just like after 9-11's like you know I've just seen the differences in quality of life I just see the differences in quality of life and a person like me in my core bothers me because I was raised to believe that you got your money's worth, you know, you go get a plane ticket in this country today. It's a rape right off the bat.

God forbid Nick gave you the wrong date and you got a switch set. They want to charge you $200 for a fucking change fee. You know, we're getting charged for luggage, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. You know, when I was a kid, and I say this, I stressed this because, you know, when I was a kid, I was hearing how bad the country was. And one day you went to grammar school on the billboard at grammar school. It said tonight, city tryouts, come on down, everybody gets put on the team.

Whether you were stupid, they had glasses, they put you on the team. You got a t-shirt. Right. It cost you who gots. Yeah. It didn't cost you a dollar to pay for this. And your kids came for 10 weeks and you knew where they were on Friday nights. And at the end of the season, they give out trophies and there's a pizza party.

and you don't go for nothing. I see parents now that they sign their kids up. They got to pay 35 for the T-shirt. My wife came to me the other day. She goes, do you want to sign up Mercy for the next two quarters in soccer? I go, can't we sign her up for one and see when she's at at that point? And he goes, no, you got to sign her for two. I go, how much is two?

She goes, $426 for two, whatever, for fucking, you know. There's two coaches. The one coach is the men's a morgue. The other guy, how big. whatever fucking great kid a ream coach whatever loves my daughter I love him gives my daughter the respect of the other girls and the kids

you know um but 426 fucking dollars yeah there's a city league league for for the kids soccer she's fucking four what is she pay lay what is this shit you gotta go home and scratch your fucking it is an American and go what

the fuck has happened what the fuck has happened come on I mean yeah I'm 50 fucking three years old and what I see is a fucking disgrace I go to the pump it's three dollars remember motherfuckers I travel you can't come to me conochino quinto quinto chino I travel I go to place of dollars a dollar 78 and I'm like where the fuck am I that dollars two dollars a fucking gallon I just paid three fucking dollars two nights ago when I left here you know we get you know that is that as an American I pay 25 dollars for a suit case that's ridiculous

unless you're gold class and yes I travel But you know what, man, let me tell you something. No matter what the fuck I do, no matter what the fuck I do. And you can ask Lisa, you have this. I always say to myself, how can an American family afford this anymore? How does an American family tell your daughter and your son, we're going to Brooklyn to see my grandmother's grave and my brother for the Christmas? Four, four, four, four.

That's 1600. Two hundred in suitcases. How much for a hotel in Queens? in the fucking end for a shopping lift you might even get robbed you gotta put your shit in the safe in the safe with a gun 234 or one night you're trying to stay a week i know why unless fucking breakfast is included you'll die i know no no family dies it's just like you can't go to a baseball game i was just and i love baseball you know i love it but i mean i got to pay to watch it on tv when i was a kid you know maybe we got 40 games a year and w p ix 11 listened on the radio and if we

went to a game, I had 10 bucks for the day. And $1.50 for the grandstand. We sneak around. We could buy a helmet a buck 50. My mother would pack a lunch. And, you know, 10, 12 bucks, 15 bucks. I got a ticket from 1976 to Chris Chambers game. Eight bucks for a box seat and a game five deciding ALCS game. I mean, that's unbelievable. But, you know, the money meant something. You didn't have a lot, but you could get away with it. Today, what are you going to go for 500? For a baseball game? family of four? Who can afford that?

You can afford it like a game. You don't have any basketball games I went to. I tagged on with Lee's family. Lee would say, man, my father wants to know if you want to come to the game with us. There's an extra ticket at $14. And you tagged on and I bought my own popcorn. I said thank you to your mom.

You can't do that no more. How much is a Laker game now that you need to take your family? I know you make a trek down there once a year you try. A Laker game? It's 200 a seat. 140. Yeah, 140. Probably about 140 or something. Per seat. Yeah, for a decent seat. So four seats

with a family. I had a ticket for the RAM game there. $140 was a decent seat. A rand game. And then there's 80 bucks to park or 50 bucks. $50 is cheap. Most places are charging 80 to 100. To park the car. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to go down the street. No, no. See, this is what I'm saying. This is why I don't get involved. That's why I don't go unless someone's giving it.

People's, Joey, you don't go to enough concerts. You know why, guys? Because when I see, I went, two years ago, I went to the Middlelands, not the Meadowlands, the one in Newark. My brother drove me, he ate a fucking piece of banana bread. He fucking freaked out. I would have freaked out too. Parking was $50. Yeah.

How can a family afford that? So, listen, I don't know all the fucking bylaws and laws. I don't have the time. I know you guys as decent Americans, the people who listen to the podcast, you know more. You're in tune more with laws and taxes. and I'm to the point in my life when I go to the airport, I'm to the point in my life

when I go to get a plane ticket now and I look at the price. What am I going to do? I got a gun to my head. I know. There's two ways to fly. You can fly like a fucking animal. Okay?

There's three ways to fly. You can fly like an animal. You can fly like a fucking mid-level animal or you can fly like a human being. I'll tell you what. I mugged a few people in my life I snorted coke. I did a few bad things.

I'll sit in the second section. It costs you money to sit in that second section. Now, they will put you in a dungeon with, they'll put you in the back with rapists and people that are transferring from facility and facility and shit. It's fucking bad on those flights. And they treat you like shit. By the time you're on the plane, there's nowhere to put your luggage. That's horrible.

It's horrible. It's fucking a horrible way. And I'm telling you, I fly twice a month. And I do it as you. easy as possible because in my mind I've already accepted it as something I have to do. Right. But sometimes I, and these comedy clubs, give me an allowance for flights. I have to call them back and go, listen, I got to bump you.

You got to lift a rock. That, that, that, that, that, that, that, that nickel you give me, that short. Yeah. That nickel's short. I can't fly that. By a lot, probably, not like 20 bucks. Like, by like hundreds. 140, 200.

You sit there, me and my wife look like the plane tickets at the end of the year and go, How the fuck does this happen? You know, I got everything. Nick, I got everything. I got every audition I've been since 2001. You do? Okay, casting director, how I did the result. You write it down?

Why not? You write everything down. And I found them. On this last move, I found them. You found who? The notebooks. I found even more notebooks. Like I knew I had to like 2000, maybe.

nine in my possessions right next to me. So if something should ever happen, I could go on my notebook and go, no, the last time I went in for that bitch was pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And when I go in to see her, I'll tell her. Yeah. Remember the last time I saw you was for pop-p-pah-pah,

you're not going to believe what happened with that piece of shit producer. We all wanted you. They always tell you the same thing. We all wanted you, but the producer wanted the Chinese kid with the missing eyeball. And you're like, okay, really. You know what I'm saying?

The movie was horrible, so, but you want to tell them. Like I wanted to see you once before. You want to break the ice, you know. I got all that shit, Nick. And I had, I found plane ticket prices from the longest yard door. Oh, really? Gosh, you know what I was paying for plane tickets then? $200.

Were you flying yourself? Yeah, like they would call me a comedy club to headline me. I was booked by an agency for like four weeks. They found out I was snort and blown. They never called me back. And during the longest shot? No, no, no, when Longest Yard came, what I did was, when we were filming the Longest Yard, I had those dudes blowing smoke up my ass. Yeah.

And they told me to get a booking agent. I couldn't get a booking agent to save my life. And one day I bumped into Bill Burrett. I go, Bill Burrett. This movie's going to be big. He hooked me up, and he hooked me up in one of his guy's assistants. And the guy booked me like four weeks. And he calls me one day and goes, dog, I don't know if I told you, I'm going back to my job in Chicago.

You don't have an agent no more over here. So they sent me a bill like years later when I sent the collection and I had to call I had the receipt You know I save all that shit, but I saved like the plane tickets You know when I come back from a gig The first thing I do is I get the two plane tickets I get the check that they paid me I get the amount of the room I get the the the parking from the airline You save all the receipts? I save all those receipts oh you do? Yeah, I save all that stuff

So I could compare years later what it cost me to fly there sometimes I use Miles. What, Lee, you have to do this. I'm not laughing at you. You're kind of a, you're a nerd. You like looking back and comparing. It's just for fun for you. It's very informative.

It really opens your eyes when you do it. We don't want to do it. Right. Because your head will blow the fuck up. Your head will blow the fuck up. It's like when you thought you were in shape during that film. I was in tremendous shape. You look at that picture and go,

oh my God. I had 19 chins. Yeah. What the fuck was I thinking? What work out that I do before that? I walked a few times to get lunchboxes and shit. You know, the same thing goes when you look at, like, I don't save receipts from clothes and nothing like that. I'm not one of those nerds.

But whenever I go on the road for some reason, I always save that shit. What if I got accused of murdering somebody? Right. And I'm in Houston that weekend. I got the receipt from performing. I got everything. You know what I'm saying? Excuse me.

So, I looked at like 2005 specifically. I paid $290 for a round trip ticket to Newark from LAX on It's Not United. The other one. Continental. That one, Continental. No plane ticket.

It wasn't a good one. I sat next to some fucking... That was the one that... The police greeted me because I had the foreigners next to me and I took my cell phone out and they threatened me. They kept telling me. to turn it off, turn it off.

You know, the store this always says to shut it down. Right after 2000, right after 211, they were real strict about it. Yeah. But come on,

$297 to Newark. Go look up Newark from L.A.X. Now, I know. They fucking clobby you. And nine and ten of them are connections.

That's why you got to keep searching, searching. I tell them when they're looking for flights, what about? I said, just keep looking. Keep looking

until something pops up cheap. It doesn't always pop up but sometimes it does. No, because Lee informed. me that the shit they know who you are now oh yeah so what you have to do is look at the plane ticket on your computer and go to somebody else's and buy it oh really and then do the same and the same and because if not they know who you are so next time you're on you porn jerking off

you're ready to come there's a little thing that goes bing and it goes go from lax to ohio right for 312 and all of a sudden you're going to go wait a second how did that motherfucker know i need a plane ziggins Who's watching me? You put your dick back in your shirts and you're like somebody's watching me? No. Because now everybody knows you look for a plane ticket there.

So every time you go on the computer, I don't know what it's called. Please forgive me. I'm not a computer. But I look at all that. Number years ago I had the People's Express and those things. I mean...

I put them out of business, single-handedly with fake credit cards. Oh, you did? Oh, please. Why go on there with a real fucking Jimmy? I would go on there with somebody else's credit card buying drinks, give the girl in row 11A a cocktail. I'm me.

I'm the captain. Kirk got this fucking flight. Oh, that's nice, man. When do you, like, when should I look up for tickets now? Huh? Like, what, like, what dates? Like, when should I fly, do you think? Because should I fly during the holidays?

Excuse me, sir. Like, when should I look for tickets? When you're going? To Newark. Oh, I'm just teasing. I'm just teasing. Oh, okay. Listen, there used to be a thing.

When I first moved here in 1997, okay? I know for a fucking fact. I'll have that motherfucker call in right now. Tomorrow, you got a, call Nick what's tomorrow Wednesday Wednesday in 1997 I know it's for a fact if you got a call and they said listen Nick this is it this is last shot you got to I'm sorry we have to call you Wednesday but you have to be in New York Friday if you want this new denaero movie it's got Merrill Street Jesus is making a comeback you know this guy this guy you got it but uh it's

Christmas time I got to fly myself in there listen Nick get here and then we'll talk about the specifics all right book the fucking job and then we'll give you Getus but enough I can't go through a plane ticket now do what you got to do to get here and you're sitting there going my kids need this there was a service back then that you called 1-800 and I never forget calling them and the guy who turned me on to him was Josh Wolf oh yeah in those days you would call this 800 number and go I want to go from here to here we got a ticket it's 167 plus tax it would be one-nine 99201.

The catch was you had to go to the airport. Right before you pull into the airport, you make a right in those days. Right. You got to run in there. There was a line in there. There bingo. From fucking here to eternity, it was a line in there.

So if you had to fly that one, you had to go down there and eight in the morning. Right. And wait on line to get the ticket for $200. But you would fly Delta. You know, row 11B, you sat in the inside next to the lady with the dog. Yeah.

eating cottage cheese and the stink of fucking her feet. Hey, you know, try flying with buddy passes. I did that for a couple of years with Blue Bloods. And a friend of ours works for the airlines. And she would list me for these flights. And flights that looked like impossible. She'd be like, Nick, you're never going to get on. And then I would go.

And she said, you're the luckiest son of a bitch. It's unbelievable how you get on. And not only when I get on, I get on first class. Are you serious? Yeah, because she would list me and then I would look like an airline and then people would recognize me and go, how come you're a D3? Do you work for the airline? I go, no. And then I would somehow, some way, I almost was like 95% that I never, like never got on a flight.

Flights that were booked. But you got to do it by yourself. If you do it with a few people, it's hard because. Oh, no, no. You can't lead you to 14 people. No, I know that. You got to fly by yourself. But I had to get there.

You know, there were times that I had a, you know, I had to buy a ticket. I always remember somebody died. Listen, you can't get me out of the next spot. I got an uncle. He fell off a building. Yeah. That's what I'm saying you put acting. Oh, yeah, you can do that.

That's when you got to go deep into the mechanic, talk to you over here for a second. Right. Who's running this place? I got some of these guys that traveled with their dogs. You know, they got these letters that they said they got a nervous condition. They're walking on there with a rot while. And I'm like, how the hell are you getting, how are you going on there with a pit bull? And then you got a letter?

He was like, yeah, I got a letter. You know, but it's like I felt bad taking the dog. I saw a chick with tremendous tits with a service dog. I wanted to kick her in the fucking mouth. You understand me? Yeah. She had the best tits in the world. She had all the confidence you need.

And she had what, a dog with a dog? A little dog. Was it a big dog? Like half size, whatever. Good looking dog too, but, you know, for me, why you're crying. I used to travel with this pug. I used to put him in a little bag and has to push his head in. It's just stuff his head.

He'd always try to pop. He was a good little dog to dog. I got a bulldog. Now, I could never travel with this bulldog. I'm going to fucking dog dog. No. I can't do it now. I can't do it.

I don't have the patience. I have a system to fly and I like to stay at that fucking system. You know, we're in bed, Virgin America. They're not bad. Virgin America. Tremendous. The biggest scam of the business is. You're the main cabin select.

I know, main cabin select. At 12 hours the night before, when plays the show, main cabin select, I'll see. You're living like a doctor. And you're getting that from Uncle Joey. Main cabin select. Main cabin select. On Virgin American. That first row.

That first row right there. And God forbid, you got an extraduce in your pocket. You wake up at 3 in the morning. Let's say your flights at fucking 6. Let's say your flight's at 705, right? You set the alarm for, you go to bed at 9, you eat some Valiums. Maybe you drink a dirty fucking Harry. What's that?

The chocolate drink with the white milk and the vodka and the Kalua? Oh, a white Russian? You do a white Russian on one of those volumes, night, night time. Ain't nobody waking yet. You wake up at 1, 6 hours before the flight takes off. If you're sitting in the main cabin, so like you call Virgin, they bump you right up to first class. Oh, wow. They give you a hard time for a second.

Who are you? Who are you? Yeah. Who sent you? You know, who the fuck are you? Hold on one second. I'll send some Australian guy comes on. He's like, listen, we got your covered this time.

Don't pull this shit ever again. And you get out first class with Virgin. And you live like a doctor. There's only eight people in first class. You feed her up. Yeah. You got those disco lights. You know who I saw?

Destroy first class. on Virgin, Ralphie Mae. As soon as he calls Virgin, he just hang up on him, though. He fucked him up. He fucked him up. What do you do? From beginning to end, he was living like fucking Kingfuru and that motherfucker.

Really? With his feet up, getting coax. He must have drank nine coax on the way of New York City. I was sitting there howling. I'm sitting there. Ralphie Mae will fuck up on the airline. Cookies, towels, blankets. He needs two blankets. He has a time together.

It's nice to fly right, bud. You know when you fly, like, you know the fucking price it is to fly right? Oh my God, I just paid $200. For what? Because you're very generous and you're paying for my flight to Boston. Who said, who told you that? I ain't paying for the dick. Anyway.

Fuck it, I'm going to cancel this then. Anyway. Anyways, you know, you know I'm tight with my wallet, but I was in 22 C. Like, I was in the, I was in 22 both ways. And, like, I was going to, I was hoping it was going to be like 20 bucks to, upgrade. It was 100 bucks each way, but at least I get, at least I get. This is what I'm talking about. So do you understand me, ladies and gentlemen? I'm sorry to interrupt you. But this is my point. You're an American. You're hard every week. Let's pretend. Let me pretend with you. You make

fucking, uh, wasn't the pen here. Who's got to fuck? Right here. Let's pretend. Let's pretend as an American. You make 600 a week. If you're lucky. Six hundred a fucking week. If you're lucky, all right what do you take home from that 420 yeah 420 yeah that's 16 fucking 80 a month think about it think about it how much money could this possible or so put away after rent car payment food insurance which is fucking astronomical in this country at this point you got to walk around with a rabbit's foot a santa ria chicken on your neck yeah yarmica and now and now guess how much my health insurance is not next year. How much? 400 a month? A month? Four hundred. Four fucking hundred a month. So you understand me. I mean,

I don't know who's going to change this. I don't know. I don't know who discussed this and they're fucking, I don't know, you know, but this is what needs to be addressed. That level of America needs to be addressed again. To live again. To live again. Yeah. I agree. Of America, there is no reason why the rents are astronomical. Lee. The rents astronomical to live in a place where you're not going to get stabbed. In my tiny, like, maybe 600 square foot apartment,

the next time it goes up in June, it's going to be $1,400 a month. $1,400. I was thinking about that. Because for the first time in two and a half years, I just, I forgot to pay rent this month. She texted me, and she was like, we haven't got your checks. I ran down.

And my move there was 1200 and they keep raising it 50 bucks every year And like it's not that it's not like I I kind of want to ask what that apartment is now I'm sure it's like 15 1600 a month I'm sure it is because they just keep raising every year Listen when I bought my first house in 96 I was doing pretty good just got an NYPD blue The house was going for 419 team, south of the Boulevard, Tarzana, beautiful spread.

I mean, had a pool that looked like a pond. And I'm thinking, oh, shit, for a, I get the, I says, can I afford that? I never, you know, I'm a kid from New York, I don't know. I thought $100,000, $200,000 sounded a lot. And they said, yeah, yeah, we'll get the house for $3.80. I said, wow, you know, my heart was pounding. I wasn't making huge money. And then, you know, I was like, and at that time, I thought $3,000, $4,400,

was, you know, now, you know what you could get for $3.80? You can't get shit for $3.000. You can't get shit for $3. You get a million dollars of tear down. You get houses now, where I'm living now, it's like they tear, the builders come and to tear them down. How could you as a young person starting out? You know, how do you, and how do you make it?

I mean, how do you like, unless you're like starting with a big, you know, big capital or this or that, but I mean, like, at least, and that wasn't that long ago, 96, 98. And then, you know, when everything was. went sky high and that the whole mortgage scam thing but then it came down it shot back up now it's so high again nobody can buy anything you know so what's gonna have you know things things just got out of hand never got corrected I don't know I don't know what the answer is I don't think it's one person I don't know either that's the thing that I wish I was more knowledgeable on the subject but I got my own problems I know over the years I just said you know what you lose sight of

I was fucking scarred uh towards part I get it. It is what it is But I don't really have like a belief in it. I don't know why And I've tried I've really tried you know The police has changed over the last 20 years the police's attitude has changed You know I don't know if it's the internet but every day I got to wake up Yeah, and somebody's getting hit the head a shot or tased or whatever You know every fucking day. See I don't know if this if I didn't see this because I

I wasn't as active on the computer. Right. 20 years ago. I don't fucking know. It's too much. Everywhere you go, you're recorded. If you fart, they knew where you farted. If you went to, if you sneezed, they knew where you sneezed.

It's really like almost, it's too much now. I always talked to my brother about that. Years ago, you had to go to a pay phone. Make a call. I got to go to a pay phone. How you know what I mean? Today, everything is documented. It's too much.

It's too much. It's less like sports. I love sports, but it's so saturated. It's boring. It's freaking boring. You know, it's like, it's not like nothing is special anymore. Going to the movies was an event. We went to see the Godfather when we were kids.

My father said, I'm going to take the whole family. We had to go wait around the block in Queens at the Elmwood. It was an event. It meant something. You know, you went to a show, a boy, it meant something. Now, these kids, everything is like, give me, give me, get me, get me, get me, get me, get me. Say, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I got to survive, man.

You understand? I'm not that guy anymore. Maybe I was that guy. I'm not that guy. I'd like to be that guy, but I hate that guy. You know, it's crazy. We come from a different world, man, where, you know, we went to a driving movie theater. They threw a blanket over our head, and we were in the backseat of the station wagon.

It was great. Those were, you know, those were special. I feel like I lived in two. I still do that. You do it? Yeah, I did it like six months ago. You did not do it. Bring that back.

I didn't have the blanket, but I was in the driving. You went to it. Where does that driving? Ah, fuck. It's down in a weird, I don't know. I can look it up. Out here? Yeah, yeah, it's only like an hour away.

Oh, I love that. There's a father, yeah. You remember that thing the radio used to put on the window? Yeah. I know. With a long string on it. Yeah, they're still, they modernized a lot of driving theaters. They did.

It's just that people want to go and be more comfortable now. I know. It's a different fucking America. There's no station wagons. The driving, is way more comfortable than the movie theater because then no one is talking and ruining the movie other than maybe tell me what that thing is I want to

check it every 10 minutes you gotta put the defrost on it's a fucking nightmare lately I know nobody's talking what movie theater do you go to that people are talking I go to the movies nobody says two fucking words I sit there nobody chit-chat nobody does nothing even a movie is a lot of money you know you go to a movie now they rape you And that's why I don't want to go see a piece of shit movie.

It better be good because, you know, it's, what is it? 16 bucks, 14 bucks. And you buy a popcorn. You buy a soda. You're going for two people. It's 50, 60. If you got a couple of kids, it's $100. In the same building, there used to be a podcast.

And it was two girls, and they discussed movies. But in those days, this had to be, I was off the blow. this is probably 2008, 2009. I'm still living in Hollywood. And they call me up and they go, we'd like for you to be on the podcast to discuss two movies. They go, what are the two movies? And one movie was an animated movie.

And the other movie was some fucking movie, you know. And the movie, the other one I went to see in the daytime and it sucked ass. But the other movie only was at the arc light. I don't know about the arc line. My wife comes home and I go, what do you want to do? She goes out and I go, listen, I got to go this fucking thing. I got to go see it anyway. So once you come with me, let's eat and then we'll make it a night.

Yeah. We went somewhere and we got some fucking snack or something. And we went down there. I went in there with an hour bill. To the arclight? To the arc light. I got home with 47. Yeah.

I didn't notice it until I got home. You know those things that you don't even really notice it until you get home? I just paid $53. Yeah. To see a movie. To see a fucking movie. Was I angry? No.

The Yacht Line is tremendous. They got that fucking chicken hot dog with the mustard and the onions. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I haven't ever had that one. You eat a chicken hot dog? You didn't know that. Not chicken hot dog. Let me excuse myself, okay?

Because Leo, take it personally. I will take that home to eat a chicken hot dog. I hear you yell at every single turkey on a day. You are you you you you wait them no no no no no no and the one on sunset Next to fucking Omiba records right. You go into that one okay. They got nice Nice chicken applewood sausage and the dude's half retarded so he burns it You catch the one o'clock. It's nice and fresh. It's just a little burnt. Yeah, you tell mom boy that's what you want He puts in a bun, he puts fresh onions on it, a little mustard.

And he gives it to him, he wraps it up. You get one of those, a diet soda, maybe a small popcorn. Who's better than you? Some raisin eggs. I love that. You're living like a dog. You're living like a dog. If you don't go to the movie theater, you don't have raisin this, you're real.

You don't know. You just wasted your time. And don't get me wrong. Again, I go to the movie. either. I don't want to be beat. Wait, you get Raisin Nets every time? Sometimes. Sometimes I switch it up. Yeah, you got to switch it up. But nine out of ten, you got to bust out the raisin'

And the shit that sticks to your teeth. It's good. I work in the movie theater. What's the rest one? What's the ones that stick to the thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, those were good. You know why you don't like Raisin Nets? Because nobody buys them so you sell them when they're stale. I was going to get to that shit. You motherfucking movie change. You don't know I'm onto you. But I'm on to you, motherfuckersers, okay?

You're fucking getting, you're selling all. fucking raisinette. Okay, now let me tell you something. I walk into a movie theater in my mind. I walk into a movie theater like a hooker walks into a bar. You're talking about dots? Dots. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I take all the red ones out and the mixed fruit. You know what I love the taxi driver? You ever see that movie? He walks into the porno theater and he buys like a Royal Crown Cola. I love that. I see Cola. Popcorn, Jujoos. It's like a dollar.

I don't know what it was. It was ridiculous because it was in the 70s. It was so cheap, but I love that scene where they didn't he. She'd get hungry, but I get the whole raisinets thing. I love raising nets. Well, lately, the raisin nets have been stale. That's my fucking point, Nick. So in my mouth, I walk in there like a, like a fucking hooker walks into a bar.

Ready, I got to taste the cock in my mouth. I got the taste of raisin' in my mouth with chocolate. Fuck it, just bring the raisinets with you. And then, you're right. You know what I mean? I'm an adult-win genius. A chunky bar. How about a good chunky bar?

I love chunky. Let me tell you some. I smoke two or three joints. You bust some. I was almond joy's my way I love you to death I'm enjoying oh you bust out almond joy I give your hand job of the movie thing I'm into these fucking seize candies lately nuts the nuts you're gonna buy the nuts box the one with the nuts nuts nuts and something choose sees candies old school oh it's good and you know chocolate is it's a good uh now get you motivated that's what I need my

chocolate is good believe me I don't make all that chocolate around yeah I tell you told my wife to hide the kids Halloween truck I walk into the kitchen one night's stone to the gills there's a box of Halloween truck yeah with miniature packages and there was two boxes but the one I bumped into had those miniature fucking packages of M&Ms and fucking peanut ones I destroyed the whole fucking box oh my god I said the next morning I let it at the little garbage I had hidden the night before you go nuts I talked my wife he can't be like the plain m&ms or the peanut i destroyed both the orange the yellow packages

and the black packages i don't mix them that's disgusting no if you put the peanut ones and the chocolate ones in your mouth it's not a bad idea that means you're double chalking those motherfuckers yeah good to see you too pal oh my god it's always a pleasure me too look at that still up here still in the fucking game still banged that throwing punches i called them asked him if he got one in for an audition he went in he called his agent still fucking this is it guys guys on the street looking out calls me you're not giving out no charity no more there was a time when you walked into an audition guys and you go you know what i'm gonna call and they call you and you went the next day and got another chance to get this job yeah those days are over we've cut they've eliminated the middleman

completely first of all if you get the uh opportunity to go in you're blessed because i got to tell you So while they're writing it and talking about it, they're already sending out an offer to the guy. I know. That's the fucking problem now. So it's great that you got in on it. When you said that to me, I was very happy that you got in. A lot of guys who just wait for the phone therein. You got to attack everything.

You do. That's why I pick up the phone now. You've got to be proactive. You're right. And go on these auditions and people are like, man, I love you. I love your work. I love you. It's nice that everybody loves you.

But I'm like, I'm here just like you, man. I'm on the street. You know, I've done a lot of things for 20 years. We've got a big body of work. But I'm just like you, man. I'm just, you know, I'm glad that, you know, still got plenty of love on the street and respect. But I got to go in there and try to make it happen.

But, you know, it's hard. Because, like you say, there's always an offer route or, you know, you don't know the situation or what the thing. I just booked one recently. I was, like, surprised. I'm like, wow, I don't usually get lucky with this auditioning stuff. Was it's a whole other thing. And you know, it's not, you don't, you can't take it personal.

you know today i went in sometimes you look at the list of names do you notice anybody you know you do but it's like it is what it is you know it just changed a lot people it's and i know that these young people are going out but you know what man you're a dad you're a big baseball enthusiast you really know what the fuck you're talking about during the world series i was reading your tweets some of them you're riding the fucking money about what's going on you you have a passion for fucking sports it's about time you got that uh what's josh wolf doing facetime you got to get a meeting with fucking facebook and tell them you want your own show they come to your house they set cameras up for you they do it right there yeah yeah they talk shit yell right in front of the camera that's what i need

for an hour yeah because i can i can have my own show while i'm watching a while i'm watching a game talking about a game people love being right and listen to the hook yeah everything you break is a sponsor So this dish is brought to you by Super. And also he's smashed it against the wall when they strike out a Yankee at your fucking. People love that type of shit. You know what I'm an idea, man. I'm an idea, man. Trust what I'm telling you?

You're good, you're good. Lee, what's going on in your world? Cucksucker, look at you. You're all excited. You're packed. He's on tiptoe in the house tonight. What time is your flight? My flight is 7.30.

Oh, shit. I mean, you got to be up early. We're going to drop this little half-haired of acid just to get the blood gone. So by the time you get to the airport, it's at the Twilight Zone and shit. With your luck, they'll search you again because lately the dog's been on them lately. I don't know what it is about me, but the dog doesn't like me. Yeah, I can't wait. It's a great time a year ago.

Dude, I don't think you understand. And the Wilbur is so fucking cool. I can't wait to go there. I can't wait to go back there and see it from, like, your perspective. I get to see my mom. It's a Why you gotta give me anxiety fully? Oh,

because I don't know It's my job Talking about your mother today That was great Yeah Move me in the car And you said You know

No matter how many years it is It's nothing like mama And that's why I tell people When you got your parents alive Or you got your mother alive Just you know I didn't always Maybe I didn't always appreciate it

I feel her there But it's just never the same You know because nobody can replace that. Nobody, your wife, your girlfriend. Nobody gives you that kind of love. You know what I mean? I mean, even me, my brother, wait, sometimes.

I know, I go, I'm thinking about mommy. And he's like, yeah, I'm thinking about it, too, with that time of year, Nick. I said, I know, I know. And the other day, he was reminiscing. He goes, remember when we went to the Willis Reed show? Marlvalbitt was his co-host? Willis Reed had a show in the 70s.

Remember that, Nicholas? I was like, yeah, yeah. Remember we went to the Nick game and I was teasing you with Dave DeBurbush? Bushier against Rick Barry because you love Rick Barry. You like to get under my skin, you know, because the Busher was his man. Barry was my man. You know, he started thinking about your reminiscing.

It's funny how you remember all that shit when you were little and you're young. I don't remember nothing anymore. Everything is a blur. My last 20, 30 years, a lot of shit happened, good, bad. I don't remember. I remember shit when I was a kid. I remember baseball stuff. For some reason, the baseball shit sticks in my head.

You know, you could say a certain player, a certain year. And boom, I remember that guy. It's funny how things, you know, like everything becomes boom. It went fast. Almost 55. I'm like, what the hell happened? My father used to go, bam. It goes like that, Nicholas.

It really does in the blink of an eye. You know, I was just, I thought I was just 30 or 40. My 30s, I was a king, man. I was in my heyday. I was on a hit show, great show, one of the best ever. And thinking, man, you know, you just don't realize how good it was. Every fucking day, you have to. stop for two minutes. The last eight years I have stopped every day and go wow. Whether I had money in my

pocket, no money in my pocket, I have stopped and said, Jesus Christ, you know what the set to Nick at our age is. We refer to things now in reality is 30 years ago. That's scary Lee. Lee, you refer the thing as 10 years ago. You're 28 years old. That's scary to me, though. 10 years ago, you were 18. You refer to the thing 20 years. Remember mom and dad 20 years ago?

You took me roller skating on my knee. Oh, my God. You know, but for Nick now, when I speak to people, you talk to them in the 30-year range. There's shit you remember. Yeah. I talked to people from time to time. I went home two months ago, and I went up to a bar,

and I met some people from, McKinley where I went to Graham's school lot and the one girl told me a story that I remembered but I didn't remember but she confirmed what I didn't remember you know what I'm saying like you get shit like that from time to time yeah that's very interesting when somebody goes remember Nick we went up there and I'm like yeah who was with us Nick this guy this guy Jimmy Vine you're like Jimmy Vann yes he was remember he drove the car you're like oh shit yeah that's right we stole his father's car You know, and you really,

I refer to things that's 30 years ago, and I got to tell you, man, if you listen, I know we have all ages, 30 years ago is by fucking fast. I listen to this music. I listen to this shit fucking music. I was just watching something 10 minutes ago that was 45 years old,

that still sounds fantastic. But the reality of it, that if there were 10 musicians on the stage, eight and a half of them were dead they were in their 40s they were in their prime you don't know 45 fucking years just don't know how quick the ride is I remember when it first got on blue people were telling me enjoy the ride I mean I was just hoping in the last one year

I wasn't thinking just enjoy the ride enjoy the ride kid and I was like I didn't know what they meant but you know if you could just slow it down sometimes you could just fucking slow it down for a second and just go oh man this is this is is really something. But then, you know, you settle in and life changes and you change and you get caught up and shit.

You got people around you. I had like an entourage. You had all kinds of people I'm attending to. And I'm thinking, you know, you think you're Tarzan, but you're not, man. And it goes fast. A lot. It was exciting. It was never boring, you know, even like the longer, you look back the longest yard.

That was 11, you know, 11 years ago. You're like, wow, I remember that. We shot that in 2004. Lee, think of that number. How old were you in 2004? You were 16 years old. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Did it come out in the summer? It came out in May. We shot it in the summer. Okay, so it came out in May of what? 2005. What a blast. You came out. You were 17.

17, man. Yeah, wow. But think about it. You were 16 when we shot this fucking movie. You know, I saw a poster. I was in Tarzanah that they were going to make the long. There was a poster and an early poster.

Right. You remember? It said Adam's name on it or Bert Reynolds, but it was like a guy. It was like handcuffs. Right. And there was handcuffs against guys who know handcuffs on it. And I said, oh, I got to look into that movie. That's a movie that's being made.

That's when I first saw it and thought about it. Because I didn't know Adam. I didn't know him. I mean. and that's when it gave me the idea. But I wasn't that familiar with the original movie, but I always loved Bert Reynolds. The original movie I love is actually great.

I love it. I'll be honest with the original movie. I used to go to the same movie theater to watch. It's a good movie. From time to time, my godfather, when I lived in New York City, well, under the 8th Street, he would take me to 42nd Street.

And that's why I watched Dirty Harry and the Valachi Papers. Palachi papers. I watched the love bug there. I watched the strongest man in the world there. But once my mom moved to Jersey, I started going to this place called Ed Cinema. It was a Spanish, Italian movie place, popcorn, chocolate, raisinets. I could smell it right now as I'm describing it until you had the pale color with like the burgundy trimmings all around and burgundy curtains. And once you pass the ticker.

and old. There was every man from Zelle. Were they wearing like the white shirts with, you know, I don't remember their outfits, Lee. I remember the candy concession was to the right hand side, and there was just one movie theater. It was huge. It was special. And it was broken into three areas. So you had to lower

the middle and the back. Right. And I went to see, I mean, there's a collection of films I went to see. I went to see the fucking exorcist there in the afternoon. That's when they didn't give a fuck hell. over all of you were. That was a hard one to get into.

If you had a dollar on the corner to get in, we don't know nothing. You know what I'm saying? If the cops come, we don't know nothing. And I went to see The Exorcist there. I went to see Enter the Dragon there. Wow.

I went to see the Chinese connection. Did they have double features? At that time. Remember when they used to have double and triple? At that time, when Bruce Lee hit with the Chinese connection, then they started doing Chinese connection and Fister Fury.

for a dollar, 25. You went in there and stayed in there all fucking night. You were there for six hours. Because they played. They just played. There was no intermission. I think the one intermission they swept, but after that it went straight to 1 a.m.

And on the right-hand side was the concession, and you went in there. But the two movies, I went to see Tommy there, with the two movies that stick out in my mind in that place that I really thought the rest of my life movie theaters were going to be like that. It was one, Rocky, the place went baddest. Yeah.

The whole movie theater was on their feet, and two, the longest yard at the end. Oh, really? The whole place is, you know, me. So you saw that in the big screen? I saw that in the big screen at a movie theater in Union City, New Jersey. Wow. Not weird? Never knowing that you would be in, you know.

Not even, no, no. That was me. Never in your mind. Never in my fucking thought. And then I saw the longest yard again years later, the original. I saw it again, like 10 years later, right before I got locked up. I was living in, I was living in Aspen, Colorado, and I worked on a movie video rental place. And then I would order movies, and I was like, where's the Charles Bronson section?

And the guy's like, we really don't rent Charles Bronson? Are you fucking crazy? I went and got Stone Killer, the mechanic. Mechanic. Death Wish. The one with the watermelons. When they took his watermelons, I got like four or five of them.

And people were just renting them all the time. And I would take them. Whatever didn't rent, I'd take it home. Even if I had watched it, I'd take it home. So I was a big Charles Bronson. So, that was my man, huh? Yeah, that was my main man. Bronson, I'm a fucking Coburn dude.

I like those, that era. Yeah. Yeah. Good bless. Salu, I got fucking allergies or something. I'm really happy. There are some video stores coming back.

I've missed my video stores. It was, it was, an amazing place as a kid, especially as a nerd. Just getting there because we couldn't get there.

I didn't have buses or anything like that. I could only go if my mom took us. And it was, it was, it was amazing. I was so sad when I closed I was a movie buff growing up you know what I mean John used to do he used to go to a place called Steven sallies in New York in New York and we used to buy

lobby cards and movie pictures you could go to this place and buy actual prints from Kirk Douglas movies Bert Lancaster we loved all old movies beautiful you know the lobby cards and and the black and these are beautiful prints we used to buy all these you guys still around Stephen Sallies You can go to shows and buy these kinds of pictures and stuff But people don't only nuts that you know do that kind of stuff They were special you know I used to put them in our room

Oh wow look at this Lonely all the brave Kirk Douglas or you know the swimmer Bert Langley we had all these movies that we love We were like movie critics in my family You know we used to like Who knew we were going to be in the movies But we kind of like live through them

movies, Spartacus, Elmigantry, all these great movies, great movies. I mean, you watch these movies today. Yeah, you lived through, yeah, it was a different experience. But the longest shot, my God, that was a good, I mean, that was really a good movie. So when your son goes to the movie theaters, what does it cost him right now in his age? Oh, with him, but just what? By himself? Yeah.

It cost him, like 30 bucks, maybe? No. Yeah, the time he buys something to drink and eat and a movie ticket. If he goes to the Arclight, it's more money. He goes to the AMC, maybe it's a little less. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

And the thing that kills me and every, I think you're going to Boston, the movie tickets the same price. There's more, they're a little bit higher. Boston is higher? A little bit probably at the one I went. Like, probably a little bit, I guess. Yeah, this is the guys. 15 or 16.

Let me look at it. How long does it take Americans to go, wait a second, you know what? We've been doing this a certain way. I think they are with, like, the Internet. I think that's what's happening. I think that's why the market was crashing. Yeah. That's why it's hard to sell movies, man.

Was the market really crashing? I don't know anything about stock. I just heard that they would drop the coupon points. What's going on? I don't know. I'm not going to take a crisis. Jesus. Let's see.

Serical. Okay, never mind. Boston's not that bad. How much is Boston? 1399. At night. So what is that? Thirteen. And that's not 3D or anything.

He's fucking believable, ladies and gentlemen. Every day. you learn something fucking new. You know, when this guy, like I said, this is what got me going. And I don't even vote. I have no interest in it. When this whole thing started,

I thought it would last 90 fucking days. That's it. And no, no, no. I didn't think it would last 90 days. I'm very sorry. It took him 90 days to hang himself. Oh, you think, yeah. You know what I'm saying?

At first, he was talking some sense. Then it took him 90 fucking days to hang himself. But she, you know, they just don't want to rent at those places. Somebody was saying the unions didn't want to, you know, listen, we need something new. I don't know if this guy's the answer. I don't know if Bernie Sanders would have been the answer.

I don't know anymore. What was the reaction when Reagan was elected? Because I know he's loved now, but he was an actor. But I know he became a politician. He was governor first. Yeah, he had some, he had polished himself. a little bit you don't leave with all that stuff was going on I was so fucking high I was young I didn't give a fuck about that stuff growing up it didn't even

by that time I was done with it I had seen some shit in Jersey I was like God and New York New York City at that time you know people talk about play to pay that's been going on for 30 fucking thousand million years you think Clinton was the first person to do something. Look at the faces. Look at the faces. But on the mirror. Of what? Just people outside.

Like, look and look at that. Jesus. For instance. I mean, look at these. Jesus. I was thinking about this earlier, but we left the topic. But was there ever a president that didn't,

like, like came through us a lot of the things that they promised. Everything that I've noticed, I've only been through a few presidents and no one's ever come through with anything so I've kind of checked out a presidential election Was Clinton good Nick?

Bill? Yeah. Yeah, he was pretty good. Bill actually was pretty good for a while and I thought he was doing country was, I mean, you know, in the end there were things that came out but overall I think Clinton was a pretty good president you know, I mean,

the smart guy, I mean, she helped make him she's a bright lady but she doesn't have what he has you know he just had that he had the complete you know what I mean he had the complete package and he was likable people loved them they liked them

just like Obama people like Obama this is a whole other thing I don't know this is a weird night doesn't it feel weird I mean like you said the sun's gonna rise but I ate 10 stars I don't know nothing hey the Cubs won 10080 years My wife has half an order of a

Robbie out in that refrigerator. The baseball gods came out. That's going to be haunting me. Felipe Sparza tweet. Felipe Sparza was the tweet of the night. He said Hillary Clinton fans look like Chicago Cup fans after the fourth game or something like that. I was just fucking around. I always thought Trump was going to get a big vote amount.

I thought at the end Hillary would polish him off. I think she still has a shot at this moment as we're speaking. Hopefully she'll pull it out So people don't jump off the bridge But I didn't think it would be like this Again, I don't know anything about fucking politics Me neither My wife talks to her mom and dad

They giggle her mom and dad And that's as far as politics as I listen to You know it brings out a lot of stuff politics You have conversations with people And it just gets it turns ugly It gets nasty on all kinds That's what I don't like about it and what these people should do is work together as we have the politics

ruins it you know it's like instead of working together it's always about who can cut who up and who's got the angle that's what I don't get about politicians of politics you ask one side one thing they say that then the other side says this so then you go what do I believe what do I believe you know the truth lies somewhere we have to attack also see when I come to you and I go councilman to tour oh Joey Cocoa Diaz I'm part of the recreation department and listen we need some funding for an acting program and you're like what the fuck are you talking about I'm like listen I got 22

kids over there they love Brando they love Pacino they love Jimmy Smith's all right and what they want to do is they want to learn how to act it will cost you Peanuts. Plus, there's 20 kids. They're two parents apiece. Everybody knows when you die, you get 250 masks cards. Everybody at least knows 250 people. Do you want people to know councilmen to tour that you didn't give us the acting program after you went? How would that feel in your community? Okay, what can you do for me? Get me signatures for this, Bob. And we work together. And I hold you to your promises. A lot of people give up or he won't do it. No, hold them to his fucking promise.

How do you hold them through a promise? Voters. He doesn't want to lose those people. Once you get in there Nick the Turer, that's it's not the first term when you start stealing. It's the second term. See, the first term, you set the tunnels up. Right. I'm going to rob this

guy. I'm going to rob this guy. There's a mall opening up. It's a no zone mall. You know what I'm saying? It's a $20 million job. Two million of that got to go in my pocket directly. Oh, he ain't opening no fucking more you follow me i mean lee it's so dirty you sit there you know look at the this guy from jersey i give an example look at this guy from jersey to close the fucking bridge i don't even live in jersey but i know

how it works as soon as i heard i go wait a second what kills me about it he's letting a woman go to jail christie yeah that's just i don't really know the facts but she's got four kids christie go in there tell the truth let the girl get probation to the lot of politics let them take a law degree away but don't let a mother of four get sent to fucking prison

you know and this is what's going on you know listen when I'm the governor I got three or four guys those three or four guys you get paid to insulate me okay what does that mean if I'm with a hooker and I stab her in the throat guess who's taking it to the swamps get ready they're taking a

body to the swamps he's done this before lee how many bodies we bury out there 18 19 yes sir one body because lee because lee believes i'm going to be president of united states someday and he's going to be my number one god he guys he told his father already he's going to be the first jewish whatever so it becomes cultish it becomes kind of cultish in a way like yes sir right you're doing shit for this guy that he kills somebody in that condo who you think buries him out in fucking Jersey City. Exactly. You and Lee, that's your new job.

You just take care of dead hookers. You pull the teeth, you throw a lie on them, you cut off the fingertips, bring it back to me. Lee's done it before, right, Lee? Absolutely. It's like that movie with Bert Reynolds when he plays the congressman or whatever, and Demi Moore's a strip when he's in love with her,

and he hires the guy to take the lint from her laundry. And he would, he would, he, Bert Rennelago. You ever see the movie lead? No. No, you haven't because you're a fucking Momo. You know, boy, we're talking about Nick. What's the name of that? Nick, there's a movie that is hilarious.

Bert Rennel is in it. I think it's before Bogie Nights. I'm not sure, don't quote me on this. But they play, Bert Reynolds. Look that up, Lee. Look that up, Lee. He plays a governor with Demi Moore. and somebody else it's uh 1997 she plays a stripper oh strip tees and

strip tees yes is that funny watch this see if type in bert reynolds strip teesly see if it comes up well what this guy did was he rub butter on himself he put a cowboy hat on the cowboy boots and they would bring him the lint from her laundry he would just whack off really Yeah, but they, you know, listen, you just don't come up with that. Somebody's had to do that in front of you at least one time in your life. You got to look at that and go, you know, the senator's great. Meanwhile, you caught them with cowboy boots with butter all over. Butter?

Because those guys become fucking congressman and shit just to be freaks. Yeah. Those are the people that fucking... That's true. It's sad, but... I know. You know? My one's a doorman.

I had a cowboy one time like that. Asked me to come up to room and he answered in his underwear and cowboy hat and boots. I said, what do he needs, sir? He said, you do just fine. I said, I didn't know what to say. I was the dormant. He goes, you're as cute as a button. I don't know why.

How old was it? I was in my 20s. How old is he? He's all, you know, man, 50 or something. I had no idea that he wanted to swing that way. But he made me laugh with the cowboy boots. You're thinking the butter? He was in his underwear.

It was the sight to see. I said, you know what? I said, I'll get back to you. He had butter on himself? No, I'm saying, imagine if he had butter. had butter oh that's fucking crazy no no I had to get out of it I was I'm when I was a dormant I experienced a lot a lot of stuff oh my god and you find anything I look at two second clip that's all I don't worry about that that's a good that's a

you know you got to watch that that's a great movie it's not it's not an Academy Award winner but for that time period Bert Reynolds you know Bert Reynolds Reynolds disappeared for a while he had tax problems he stabbed somebody you know Bert had some problems. A wild guy. Then he came back with strip teas, the other one. Boogie nights. He was outstanding.

He's great. And he went straight from there. Man, he blew me away in Boogie. He was so good in that. I love that one scene where Walberg, he's good, Mark Wahlberg. And he comes out and he's like, you know, he couldn't get a heart on.

And he's in the bathroom. And they got this other new kid out there like Johnny Wad. You know, I don't know where they found him. and Walbrook was like, you're not an actor, you're not an actor, I'm an actor, not you. So he was like trying to get hard, and then he tells Bert,

Bert knew he was coked up, and he goes, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready to the fuck. I'm ready to fuck right now. He's like, no, you're not ready. He goes, get out of here. He goes, I got the biggest dick here. Bert, Melton's like grabbing somebody in his throat. He goes, you're fired.

And he goes, fuck you, man. He, like, goes into a karate stance like Bruce Lee. Man, it was a great scene. I mean a great scene. What a great movie. Funny and sad. Man, that movie is Dynamite.

Paul Thomas Anderson. I'm a big fan of his. That movie is a really emotional. That movie. Roller coaster ride. You've never seen boogie nights. You better smoke a number and get a blanket and really focus on what goes on that movie.

They take you on a fucking ride. They're scenes in that. Brilliant. That you look at and go, Jesus Christ, what thought of this shit? I know the guy's watching his wife, you know, what's his name? What's his name? The guy with the, forget his name. He's a good actor.

He shoots himself. He shoots himself, man. Macy. Macy. How about Phil Seymour? Yeah, he's in it. Oh, my God. He's great.

He's great. He's great. Marky Warburg was on fire. The scene when the scene when Bert Reynolds goes to the. jail to see the guy that molested little boys at the producer the captain the captain yeah he's like they found pictures did you do it did you do it i guess they're so innocent i just loved to they sit on my lap i don't ever do anything that's when bird had to like walk away from him yeah yeah don't leave me roll a girl how about that scene in the car with the the girl and he pulled her what's her name he that's her name

the actress she was oh man he pulls them off i i'd like to say it's ventura but it's not It's not really Ventura Boulevard It's supposed to be Is it really? Well, because the guy grew up in the valley You know, the movie So she pulls up next to him And they ask her to get in the van

And he got rough with her They start making it out And she's like, relax and fuck you It's a shame you turned out to become this And he's got makeup on his face And she goes, what did you say? Right That's right, you became a fucking loser

And then he goes out As he's putting his jacket on She goes out of the car And clocks him with something and he goes down, they start kicking him and shit. Yeah. There's fucking blood everywhere. At the same time, they're mixing in a scene with Markey Wahlberg in a parking lot.

And a little guy in the truck pulls up next to him. Yeah. And they're asking each other, what do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do. What do you want to do? He goes, I want to see you work jerk off. 10 bucks. 10 bucks.

Yeah. And at the same time, this scene's going on. And Mikey, and then all of a sudden you go back to the scene, which she's still kicking him with the roller scale. on and blood's going everywhere. Then you go back to the scene where Markey Walberg is jerking the fuck off and all of a sudden she

goes back to the scene where Bert Reynolds comes out and they have an argument now and Bert Reynolds starts punching this motherfucker and he loses it. And back to the scene where fucking all of a sudden a truck full of guys pull up, get out and beat the shit out of Markey Walberg. What about the scene with Molina? That is whacked.

Then it takes you to another scene now they're so hooked. It really takes you to a sad, it takes you to a sad view of what happened at that time period with cocaine. How quick it got into the game and changed everything. It changed everything. It changed these people completely. You see it. Anybody who does a movie about the 80s and shows you, anybody could show you coke. But to see the transformation of people. people. Where it took him?

That's Henry Hill. Scorsese was the first one who did it. Yeah. When he snorts the coke and pops up and they show his face, his nose getting red and his eyes, they focus on his eyes getting dilated. That's beautiful. Right.

His eyes were, you know what I'm saying? Like all that stuff is beautiful. You saw it with Walt, I mean, the transfer me. Oh, real quick. Yeah, because at the guitar studio. He was an innocent, he was kind of like he was vulnerable. born he was innocent even though you know was he a dishwasher a waiter was like a yeah he was not even a waiter he was a what do they call that the bus boy who's a bus boy you know he had the

poppy hair do and um you know even and the mother who was like freaking out where you're going at night where you're going you know he was like i'm gonna be a star i'm gonna be a star he had the pictures i mean he like he wanted to be somebody you know and and he was he was he believed he was really like he took it serious that he was this porno star. He really like he thought he was doing some good acting. You know what's very good in that? The black kid. He's big now. Oh, he's a good actor. He goes

him to the donut place and he robbed the place and he gets the money open up a stereo shop. He's a very good actor. There's so many different stories going on. And they're all very It's a great movie. Every part of it when you watch the movie and if you're watching it you have control of it you won't speed through those scenes.

No. Because they're that every scene comes together the movie comes together great where him at the end he shows his big dick yeah it's a rubber thing and people went nuts you ever watch it Lee no you gotta see it it's a must why would you that's the first thing I do when I go to

tonight when you get home and two in the morning wake Paul up and watch boogie nights I like that movie you know why do you tell me all the crazy horrible scenes yeah but you're still got to see it you know it's funny too A horrible scene. It's very funny. It's very entertaining.

And it's also sad. And very sad in a lot of ways. Then they have a story with the chick. She can't see her kids. Yeah. But there's a scene in that movie where her and Heather are locked in the room and they've been in there for about eight hours and they're snort and coke. And they're talking to each other. She's like, why won't you be my mommy?

Okay, from now when I'll be your mommy. Okay, you're my mommy. You're my mommy. Let's go for a walk. And she goes, no, let's not go for a walk, dog. unless you've been up for 10 hours on blow. That's exactly how people act. You nailed it, huh?

When you're locked in a room with something, you know, an apartment with somebody, eight, ten hours, you start fucking getting crazy. You start talking, you know, Nick, I've always loved you since the time we did the longest. Really, I love you too, like a brother. So Jesus Christ, let's do another line, okay?

You know, it's all part of the fucking stupidity. Right. But it becomes something else, you know, and then you go for 20 hours, and it becomes something completely fucking different. It's such a, so to really show, I can always tell when the movie's faking the fuck. Yeah, you know. When they put Coke on the table. Okay, anybody can do that. That's a, that's a $10 fucking stunt, right?

Right. That could be anything white. I don't know what that is. It's the feeling that the director gives you. One of the best is Scorsese, Scarface. Yeah. It wasn't even the shots. I think it was more than music.

The music scared you into the cocaine. It was like evil music. Yeah, the music was great. I know. The organs came in strong. That's all they needed was every time they showed Coke was to make what's his name go, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and nobody would have done Coke no more.

You see, they fucked up. Lee, what's going on over there? What did Uma Thurman almost Odeon? Pope fiction. Was that coke or was it heroin? It was heroin because she was looking for coke But instead, Travolta had coke and heroin He bought him that dealer

What's that thing they did though? They gave her a shock They gave her a shot of that Adrenaline, right? Adrenaline, yeah That's the part I fainted Really? Listen, the first time I went to see that movie

First time that movie came out, what, 94-95, okay? Pope fiction that is right I was living in Boulder Colorado I had friends I had friends I had a life I was in a terrible position with my ex-wife but I had these little

gumbas who were in the deli the deli zone and they had friends girls that they hung out with they were they were kids they were 24 and here I am a loser's comedian 32 I held child support and shit but these guys were my friends

I had a car, I had a bicycle for days, but I didn't have cash. You know, I was just trying to put the pieces together, man. And one night they invite me. They go, listen, we bought like 15 tickets. You want to go see this new Tarantino movie? They're telling me who this guy is. I go, all right, let's go.

And I'm having a great fucking time. You're not going to believe this story when I tell you, Jesus Christ. I don't even want to fucking tell you because you're going to be mad at me. So I'm just going to substitute it for the sake, but it really was. I'm sitting there.

a great time it's a bunch of us sitting together you know like when you all your friends get to sit together and it comes to that part where he shows the needle on her heart and i pass out just like rammed and go out out out no noise no no noise no nothing i went my head went back and i just rolled off the chair a little bit and after about a minute they realized check on joey what's going on there and they checked on me and shit they threw a little water in my face and shit. When I woke up, I heard, you know, a little bit of that shit.

Then I realized I fainted. And they go, what happened? I go, I fainted it when I saw the blood go in there. But how I came out of that, I popped the fucking raisinette. And the sand took me right out of that train. Raisinets. Raisins are terrible.

Go fuck yourself, Lee. You like chickley. You like chocolates or peanuts. Yeah, peanut emin. What are you talking about? Raisin' Enkins. Listen. dog. I like M-L-L-M's too. The fuck is W-YA.

What does that mean, Lee? W-Y-A? My son sends me yet. W-YA. Don't even tell me Trump won because people call their travel agent as you speak. Is that what that means? No shit. I'll go to CNN. All right, right now, fuck you. Let me tell you something. If Trump wins tonight,

there's not be a Trump code, get out. Trump surges. Oh, my God. He's winning? 244 to 215. Is he losing? He's winning. Oh, my God. He will win Utah people, they project.

Oh, my God. You heard it. Cocksuckers. Well, you know, by the time you hear the podcast, by the time you hear this, you'll be thinking. There'll be old news, right? I think I didn't know that it lied a lot deeper than that. That's how uninformed that was.

So who the fuck gives this shit? Good to see you, Nick. You too, buddy. I love you. What was the last thing you shot? I shot this movie called A Chance in the World in Chicago. Got a little movie that just came out now called Subterrania that I did like two years ago. It just came out on DVD.

It's a weird little fucking movie. Not bad. Then something called The Eyes, which is coming out in all these Indie. I'm the king of Indies right now. But trying to shoot my own pilot, which I want you to be a part of. So, you know, just forging the head, trying to stay alive.

Trying to stay alive, Joe. Sorry about that. I'm starting a lot of anxiety from those stars. You're right? Oh, yeah, I'm always fun. I just got to... Make me worry when I watch you. I hear you breathing.

I'm like this. I just going to get my composure, you know what I'm sorry. I got the nose done, not for beauty's sake. Oh, it's better? And nothing you could do for me. breathe? Yeah, to breathe. But later, I've been getting clogged up again,

and I've been getting a headache on the right side of my head. Sinus? So something's going fucking on. If this goes on, if I wake up tonight with a headache tomorrow, I got to wake up with a headache and go right to the dock. You might need an MRI. Check it out. Yeah, something's done right.

I'm not getting dizzy spells. I've been going on. Where's the headache? Right here. Up there? Yeah. Right there. And you're waking up with it,

Yeah, I wake up at one in the morning when I go to pee, two in the morning. I got a fucking headache. Why, you gotta just check it out, you know what I mean? Watch with those stars, maybe too many stars. No, I'll be on the lookout for stars. Every one, so why you gotta break the monotony? I've been good lead. Everyone I've been a good boy lately except for Saturday.

I ain't like the double package of that death. You look good. I'm trying, brother. You look good. Your special looks great. You know, man, 25 fucking years of doing comedy. You deserve it. Yeah, no, I'm very happy with it.

I'm really happy with it. I'm really happy they gave me a shot. So here we are. It comes out December 8th on CISO. It's a division of NBC. Right now, NBC has a ton of great stuff on there. So a lot of people know about CISO. A lot of them don't.

Where is CISO now? How do I find that? How do they find it? CISO. It's everywhere. I have mine on my N-WROMs on Prime in Morocco. It's great. So, actually...

What are they buying these people? There's a streaming service. Oh, they're streaming. Let me see if I can find a list of the devices. So, oh my God, it's everywhere. So you can do it on your desktop, your mobile, Android, Amazon, Fire, iOS, all of them, and tablets. You can do your Roku, Amazon, Xbox, Windows 10, Chromecast apps. And if you have an Apple TV, you can airplay,

from your mobile device or desktop computer. Oh, that's amazing. So it's from everywhere. Let's say you have a big screen TV like this. Can you plug it into your computer or play up there? You could, but your big screen TV probably has, it could either even be a smart TV and have the app, or you could have a Roku.

So you might not even need that. You're a fucking genius, but if you don't have it, you know what you do? You're going to see some press. Well, you got to be prepared for this. I was prepared for you. When is it going to air? December 8th, it is.

December 8th. Very good. You been cooking lately? Yeah. I've been making some sauce. In fact, I'm thinking of reviving my sauce because I had it in a jar years ago, and he's a Italian guy. It's just got into a lot of trouble.

We didn't have any capital. So I got a guy to call me the other day from St. Louis. He goes, hey, remember that sauce you made in the jar? Nicky Red Sauce? I said, yeah, because it was a great sauce. I got this company up in Arroy, Oregon, they're packers. They may want to pack it and do the whole thing.

Oh my God, it's Nick, Nick. He's probably calling me about Trump. So I called the guy that made the sauce. And he says, listen, Nick, I'll help you out. He goes, if you want, I'll give you the recipe. Because it took me a while to make it right for you. Because it came out great. I just need capital.

So maybe we'll get it going and we'll call it Nicky Red Source from the Tutorial brothers. I bring Johnny into it That'll help me, you know Nick and John Even though John's got nothing to do with the sauce But I make a mean You know

What kind of? It's a red sauce You know It's just one kind Just one flavor No well we had one flavor But we got to make more than one flavor They'll be seen on the shelves

You need like five six flavors But from the base sauce They could make other flavors Yeah You can make a you know Roasted garlic Yeah roasted garlic You can make

You can make a you know The main meat sauce Which I made with pork rib bones that comes out came out fantastic to show you a picture the other day

I put some meatballs together it looked tremendous she thinks something like falling around this late you see what I mean

eh it goes on for hours yeah that's right what are you gonna do you never out past fucking 830 at nays you're sitting on your couch

yelling at the TV tweeting right go fuck yourself you read all my tweets all is my son goes all you talk about is baseball you ain't pitching right yeah i know this guy's crazy the world series was a great i spoke about i'm analyzing i'm analyzing i ain't man it should

get off that phone let's finish this shit i know if not will never get your attention and shit like i haven't seen in years where the fuck you've been i went away i know i've been away a long time nobody went up in there and told you right now we're back now we're back you're still shining shoes i don't shine shoes no i don't shine shoes anymore that's right Nobody will up to him told you that. Oh, this guy could shine shoes. Oh, oh. All of a sudden, why are you getting fresh?

I wonder if he's still alive. Who? That can do it. Frank Vincent? Yeah. Yeah, I think he's alone. Yeah, we would have. I think he had some issues.

You know, I heard he was sick a little bit, but he always had a great head of hair. He had that nice gray hair. I worked with him on Jungle Fever with Spike, and then he was in witness to the mob, me and you know he did the soprano he did uh he always had a great face face that frank vincent you know i'm gonna do the right thing when he's going through the uh the fire hydrant what's the guy's name john black johnny who yeah yeah joe black right joe joe joe black you're right i don't fucking know he is he went crazy philippe he was here the other day who was baza yeah we were talking about your movie when you were kind of to give us both roles oh that

movie was a disaster but I gave you guys parts but the funniest thing in the world was when we gave david profile weed oh my you guys gave him we he's a great actor that's why one of the days he was forgetting his lines and his following day off he went and got a medical marijuana license and he's never looked back I bumped into him three years later he's like listen dog you saved my life I was having a lot of problems and shit he gave me that pot cookie I went home and slept for eight 18 hours, but when I woke up, my problems were healed. I tell you about David Povar.

That guy. We fucked him up on the set. He fell over one time on a chair and hit his head. On the movie set? Yeah. And then he goes, that little Filipino producer was an animal, Nick, an ice woman. I said, I know she was a cold. And I wound up having fights with those two people because they were fucking, they were like really animals.

and they wanted to make a movie and the thing was really all over the place and I then they brought these other guys in I brought a director in that he had an ass coffee didn't know what the fuck he didn't know what he was talking about I wanted to fire him and I brought him in I brought him in I wanted to fire him

as soon as you saw this guy no this fucking guy I didn't know he was a real moot and I almost killed him I drew him out of the editing room I went to the editing room and I said get out Get the fuck out He was like What what what? I said I got final cut

Now take a fucking walk You and your fucking ask off Go get out of here Yeah the worst Yeah one time he did something The kids were acting My son was acting And he like told him

Like I said what are you doing Don't don't call cut These are kids The behavior is beautiful What are you doing? He knew nothing about acting this guy He like lived in a I didn't know him

and I just brought him in because I thought I did this little movie with him. This guy had a bad piece. It was like, oh my God. It was like a horrible hairpiece. I was going to take his head.

Take the DP's head and I together. I was going to crunch both of them. You got no idea of people at all. I mean, you know, you do all kinds of movies. It was classic. This was the only problem

we didn't do with this was shooting documentary. We should have. That's where the money would have. That's where the money would have. been because the making of that movie. I mean, a lot of people. Joey's in it.

Paul Rodriguez. His fucking hair. Felipe came. He had a fucking wig piece and it was sideways. That fucking ass off like he was from like some, he was some English like Indian guy. He was trying to sound intelligent. It was a fucking. I have all these scripts and this and that.

I had a great time. I'm always thankful. Oh, we had fun. We had fun. I learned a lot doing it. I laughed my ass. You learned a lot. I learned a lot.

They shot me. and then I had to go for the audition. I shaved my mustache. So they had to paint them. Probably gave you a really shitty mustache, right? They gave me a really shitty mustache. Joey was a sheriff. Oh, my God.

There's some funny shit in it. But, you know, it is what it is. But you're right. The making of that movie would have been genius. The movie, forget about it. Yeah, the movie was forgetting. The making of him, Paul Rodriguez was four hours late, and they sent somebody over to his house.

Oh, my God. And break the fence and wake him up and shit. Oh, God. We were laughing about that. I only did it for the money. You know, my wife told me, don't do this. Don't work with that guy. Don't work with that guy.

Because he was a father at the school and he was chasing me. And he gave me a script. And I said, it's unreadable. I don't know what to do with that. When you try to rewrite a bad script, it was rough. And then I brought that guy in with the hair. And that was a bad choice. Then I wanted to get rid of him.

And then the other guy wouldn't fire him. You know, the producer. He was like, no, no. I said, it's either him or me. I said, I was getting mad. I was getting really angry. I didn't want to be mean to be mean to the guy because I brought him in but then I threw him out of the editing room that was the funniest when I saw him in the editing room I was like get out you know you have to fucking leave now I said because I got to try to save it I couldn't really save it

I came to this town in 1997 and within six months I was booked for something if you want me to lie to you I didn't know what I was doing this one on for a few years I didn't know what I was doing I finally got into an acting class and got the basics and I didn't know what I was doing And then, guys, by 2000, I started working and working and working and working. And it was always something, a TV show, Mad TV, a movie, back to a TV show, guess our co-star? I did 10 fucking co-stars. You know what the co-star is? Two and a half lines if you're lucky. Me, I know how to squeeze an extra line on a fucking anything. I know how to break two lines in half.

I'm the king of all that shit. So I'll at least get four lines, but I get four, five hours on the set. I get to eat like a king. I'll get to take a sandwich home, talk to somebody I've never met before. But it's funny that at this point in my life, if I had a gun to my head and you gave me time, not money, I could direct the phone. Oh, yeah. Do you follow me? Just from the experience I've had.

Sure. Well, Joey, you never went to a director school. Listen, I've watched 10,000 movies. I know what I like. Exactly. You know what you don't like. I know what you don't like. I know the cuts I'm looking for.

I know what to give the viewer. Right. And this is how this movie has to get done. Exactly. These movies today, they give you everything. When I was growing up, I grew up on films that left you hanging mentally. And all of a sudden, your mental state started asking for it. The reason why I repeat myself, they never showed the body of Don Colillon.

They only showed the curtain blowing with the wind. They never zero one on them and show them dead. They never do. No. They give you to them from a side vision. just cuts like that that you have to go home and think about and go, why didn't they show them lying there like everybody else in the movie? Right.

And, you know, that's knowing what you're looking at too. And then even when he was pushing me, he was, why don't you do? I just figured, well, at the time, I don't want to be barbed. I'll bring someone in like, you know, like Adam has these guys come in, but Adam's sort of in charge. This guy was trying to be artistic with an askoff, and I was just like peeing in my pants. I said, I got to throw him like, I wanted to throw him over the hill.

I wanted to get him right in that ranch and leave him there But he wasn't a bad guy But you're right If you know what good acting is If you know if you have a vision And you know how to tell a story You don't have to be a genius You just have to have good people around you

Like this guy wouldn't have a clue what was good He didn't know what he was looking at It's like a lot of TV guys You know sometimes they're just traffic cops They're not artists Sometimes you work with some guys That'll actually work with you with the performance.

They'll fine tune it with you and you go, okay, this guy's good. He's not just putting his cameras everywhere. Not just sticking a camera. It's about, you know, having a, you know, a relationship, knowing how to talk to an actor, knowing how to get a performance out of a guy.

That's what it's about. Those are some beautiful fucking words, brother. Thanks. The cop sirens are starting already. Yeah. I'm afraid. man. What are you afraid of? It's going to happen. Let's get some shout-outs here. Lori Ortega. Uncle Joey loves you.

Stu Munoz, Heidi Geldice Young, Russ from Boston, Brian O'Shea, Mike Persiglia, Andy Lopton, James Strickland. You know, I love you, motherfuckers. It's all my heart, you bet. Sorry for that, Lee. I hope her, you know. Listen, man, I'm always optimistic.

I said they tried to scam me like two or three elections. And I realize that as an American, the beauty about being American is that you're raised to keep on going. They're going to take more taxes, Joey. Hey, listen, it's a cost for making money taxes. I don't want you to think about taxes as not paying them because you don't want to pay them. I want you to think about it as paying them because you're making the money to pay them. And that eliminates that whole thing.

Everybody in this room, and they get their tax bill. at the end of the year, your fucking jaw drops. Yeah. Your jaw drops. You can't fucking believe it. You were a kid a couple years ago. You paid $35 and you

marked off a check and they gave you all your fucking federal and shit. You know what I'm saying? What about when you're coming out of college and you have all these loans and you're like, okay, I'm making $500 a week and you're expecting $1,500 or something and then it comes back and it's,

I don't know, what would it be? 12 something 3 something 13 something it's a it's killer month to month but yeah when you have to pay

at once at the end of the years it's scary I think I finally might be able to pay it off without credit cards I hope that I've been in a hole at a certain age Like I was in a hole for years, but it didn't really matter.

I was in a hole. But then I got involved in a relationship and I had a child. And after I got separated from her, I got into a hole. And I remember, you know me, though. I just told you I keep records of every audition I win at. I got into a hole that every time I would redo my paperwork, I'd get more and more depressed because I didn't know about that world. The world I came from, you did something, you paid for it.

When I was growing up, I fucked drug dealers over and bookies and shit like that. I'm not talking about that stuff. For some reason, one day I go somewhere and somebody says to me, Joe Diaz, you have great credit. This is after years of being a fucking bandit next to tour. And I find this, and I go sign up for college, and I'm getting more and more credit cards. and I got to be honest

I wouldn't use those credit cards there was one credit card that I rotated to get breakfast at this granola place that was it I don't you know I'm not a big card guy because I know at the final end

you pay for that but you gotta pay for that later on yeah that ain't free see half of America goes Lee fuck it's on me let's go get stakes and all of that check comes in that's a big number

huh that's a big fucking number big number That's a big number. That steak don't taste that good no more. That chocolate cake, you're like, oh, Jesus, why would I get the chocolate cake for $18? I know. You know, so it really kept it under control.

And then I got divorced, the attorneys, the cash advances. Yeah, I know. And I went fucking overboard. And I'm just sitting there at night like crying, writing down, like, fucking the numbers I owe this. I was going to pay them. And once you get behind that big wall, Yeah. It's...

Oh, yeah. It's... You're going to tell me, boy. The best is when you're behind the wall and you have an option, but you can't come to a conclusion that you're going to have to give up that option, even though in your heart, you're like, I'm not going to lose this. Yeah. Oh, I know.

I remember when paying $10,000 one time a month. I'm like, how did that kid like me? Yeah, I was making a few dollars. Did you make paying 10 grand? That was a doorman. The fuck I get off, you're hitting me with 10 grand. All of a sudden, you know, you're a target. Then years later, the judge goes, well, what could you potentially make?

I could potentially make who gotts. That's what I could make. You know what I mean? I can make zero? Well, I can make $5. Or maybe I make $500 or $5,000 or $5,000. You know, who knows? I don't know.

I'm in a business that's feast of family Once you're successful They think you're going to be successful forever It doesn't last Lee and I was speaking about this Jed day What are you going to say Lee I was going to say you were saying that 30 years Goes by like this

But it really doesn't In some ways Because there's people my age buying houses I see it all the time on Facebook And they're signing 15, 30 year mortgages And that's a long time to be tied to a place I know you can leave, but it's not as easy as leaving an apartment. Whenever I see someone who I know do that, it scares me.

It's emotional. Owning houses, selling houses. You know, I've gone through it. You know, I lost my childhood house. I didn't pay who got there. I walked in when I wanted. I left when I wanted. I opened it through refrigerator.

It was always something in there. It was nice. Right. Good country, America. Still the best. Then the house got yanked. I never really had for years. Never go back?

To the house? Yeah. To the front of it. Yeah. I think it's too powerful in there still. I think it'll take me on a wild journey I'll never recover from. It'll take me months to recover from. So why open up that door?

I'm only 53. It would take me three years to uncover the journey in that fucking house. But there's nothing like the house you grew up in, right? I mean, it's like we had a two-bedroom, finished basement. One bathroom. One freaking bathroom. These were bathroom people, my brother's my phone. We survived.

I don't know how I remember like people clashing. We must have all went at different times. I don't remember, but somehow it worked. You need at least two bedrooms. I don't know how we survive or one. And when you walked in, it smelled like farts. That's the worst thing in the morning. Farts?

When you walk into a bathroom and somebody took your shit. Yeah. And you're the check and it still has that warmth in the air. Yeah. That's why you got to flush, right. I tell people flush, flush, Oh my God, you walk in there, that warmth, that shit, Oh, I hate that.

Right from the big intestine, you let it out. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, I mean, it hits the water. Yeah. It's like two seconds of that tear gas, that triples. And this motherfucker didn't open the window, and you walk into it in the morning.

Oh, I hate that. I wanted to cry. I know. I wanted to cry. Like, when I used to be in prison and all that shit, nothing bothers me more than smelling. That rotten shit. I know.

No, it's terrible. It's like when you go to the airport, you go, I got a piss, and you walk in there and you walk into the center, and it's like a tornado of eight different men's shit in the middle. Oh, man. Just spinning around. It's bad. I know.

Sucking you in, and you're like, oh, my God, you take a piss with your hand covered. It's horrific. I know. It's fucking horrific. No, you can't. I got to run out of there. It's horrific. That smells.

That's why I like to pee in the outside, in the backyard. Nothing like peeing in the backyard. It just feels good. I don't know. As a man, it's different. I always used to be in the yard when I was walking my dog. Yeah. Listen, you got the wrong motherfucker.

I will pee inside if they let me. You understand me? If I could just get up in the middle of night, if I could get up in the middle night, open up my blanket with my sleep having a mask on, take out my little dick. And if my wife did not live with me, I would have a bottle next to me like those hospital bottles.

Oh my God. And I would stick my dick in that thing and pee in the middle of night and go right back to napping no. I've done that many times. I would have to ring a bell in the mornings for a nurse to come in and rub my legs to get the circulation back on. You ever have to pee in a bottle, like in a car? I love all that stuff. I did it one time. I had that.

I had an emergency. I couldn't stop. Nick, you're a little older. You pee 82 times a day. Every time you drink an ounce, you lose an ounce. Yeah. And if you drink tonight, if you drink another bottle of water tonight, When you get home tonight, it's three, four times you're going to wake up.

It's every time you get settled, boom. I know. And you're pissed and you can't believe. Even your wife, my wife, are going to me. What were you drinking last night? It sounded like a horse was pissing in there. It's like a machine gun, Lee. You can't figure out what you drank.

And you go, all right, this is the last time I'll pee. An hour and a half later. It's been happening to me, too. Oh, it does? In your age? I think maybe how old is late? 28. He's a young pup.

He's a young pup. I've been peeing a lot. I don't know. I've had my checkup. I'm fine, but shouldn't be peeing that much at that age. I don't get up at the night that much. No?

He gets him twice a night. Not twice. Once and a half a night. He averages like once and a half a night. Because one time he'll get up, not to piss. He'll get up looking for cookies. He might believe he's looking for a bird. You only say that because you know exactly.

You do the same thing when you wake up stone still. What do I do? Get cookies. Get the munchies, Joe. Are you a snacker? I'm a fucking nutcase. I always feel like I got to eat something. Okay, my wife, I'll tell her 18 times.

Do me a favor. Don't buy this shit. Do me a favor. I come home a week later. I open up the cabinet at night. What do you think is in there? Fucking cookies, two different types. One of them is my favorite.

What is it? One of them are stabbing the heart over. What? Famous Amos? No. Ores? I don't know. Milano?

Milano. Not the mint. Just a regular one. Malano. She'll get a bag of that. Lees Ayat to the audience listening. I could walk past that motherfucker for three weeks and not touch that thing. I could eat 80 stars, not touch it.

I would go home at night and drink water, or maybe I'll pop a little iced tea with lemon and some fake sugar. but I don't break down and drink. There's always two, three, four cans of Coke zero or whatever. It takes them for a while. It takes them to go. I'm not a big... I'm done. I'm done with soda, but there's shit at my house to drink.

What's the story? What's the point I'm getting at least you know what the fuck I'm going? I'm waiting. Yeah, I was waiting for the punchline. The what? Waiting to find out. If I'm trying to get from you, what's the point in the story? I'm so fucking high.

I got two stone dudes right on the side of me. They're both stone that I can't. They're trying to get to the point. It's all right. No, I don't know. What the fuck the point was, but it really is. What about chips? You like chips?

Remember when I was a kid, we used to have a potato chip, man. We didn't have money, but you had everybody. He had like a soda man. He used to come to the house, Dr. Brown soda. We had an guy named Charles Chips. They were good. They come in a big barrel. it's good shit man

I was always more of a wise potato chip type of Wise is good too I fact that when I was back east for this autograph show I had a bag of wise potato chips in my room and I was like wow you can't find wise out here You know like Cape Cod? I like Cape Cod

Cod ain't bad I like the Csalt one Um What's the one back east that I love You can't even get it here Oh it's a great great potato chip certain things you can't get here it's amazing that Trump is close to winning and people

are locking up their doors they're thinking for Delta Cobra it's fucking tremendous oh my god I can't wait you see the South Park episode that's going to be tremendous unbelievable well welcome to the real world ladies and gentlemen it's 2017

at times they look at my three years year old and I go what the fuck what I blew this to this poor girl by the time she gets to high school this will be run by fucking people with machine guns on the corners evading fucking missiles from ISIS there'll be ISIS neighborhoods you can only go in certain neighborhoods you imagine this that's a true reality of the way we're going over here I know it's scary I know now we're gonna get to a TV show something about cooking a roller skating show it's got to be something for you i'm gonna make a call them i'm gonna talk to my people at cecil they'll call your people

yeah you call your people yeah you call your people it's so funny i don't even know anybody at cea read the pilot we got you in there you'd be a regular you know there's just so many forums i know for television anymore oh now it's it's not now you got to go at the times i mean even i got i got to modernize i got to you know get with it my son everybody's you know you gotta you gotta get with it dad you know you're like left you live like live in the what do you want you to do no he just you know he wants me to you know maybe give up cable yeah don't be so it is don't be so that i go that's what i am i can't be something i'm not you know gotta get in better shape this don't be so new york maybe you're too new york i'm like come

That's what I'm to New York He's a California kid But he's you know He's ambitious He's rapping He's doing the whole Kanye thing And writing raps Writing rapes

You know I don't know I don't get it all I mean I have an open mind You also need Nimbleau from time to time That's right This house don't cost

That's right I gotta pay for your school Yeah nobody shows up here With a fucking embleau That's right And I thank you You know I'm trying to do a family

Faith-based movie I'm trying to do this movie I'm trying to do that because I need to put food on the table. You know what I mean? You know, I always had a thing that if my mother stayed alive, I would always stay home, you know, in the back of my mind. I think about, like, who fuck wants to stay home? When you're 20, the first thing you want to do is get the fuck out of the house.

Right. For reasons, I don't know. You know, everybody has their own particular reasons. I always start staying at home. There's always a good enough reason, but looking at it from a parent now with a different perspective, I don't know. I wouldn't want somebody to stay home, but what does an 18-year-old do in today's world

to make money today? I don't know. My niece is working at a place. I didn't get the whole story here. She's working at a place. Let's pretend, let's pretend Leone's a restaurant and the pipe broke, and it soaked a restaurant.

She comes in with six people. and they clean they take the water and put hoses and take all the moisture out of your carpet and they add chemicals so it don't stink

they get it right back to how it looked before it got hit with the fucking water I think she gets a percentage she gets like you know 32% of the job

don't quote me on that I have no idea I ask how many hours does she works and she tells me so it's like 14 bucks an hour but she's a supervisor now and she's moved up you know yeah she works six fucking days a week though two weeks ago she washed up a crime scene some guy committed suicide and stabbed himself upside

down or something that she cleaned the car you know you can't pay me fucking through three thousand and wipe that shit up you know so it's just uh what does an 18 year old do okay when i was growing up there was a thing called the paper route i know i had one had two of them yeah and a child could deliver a paper out and learn how to have human contact. Exactly. And how to collect money. Collect the money. Get a bonus from the newspaper people.

Yeah. There was so many little hustles when I was a child. I know. That, yeah, Lee, I'm sorry. I was going to say, I think that hustle turned into Lyft, to be honest with you. You could make a living doing that. I mean, what's Lyft? Lyfts the Uber drivers.

I'm talking about 10, 11, and 12 to giving them a work ethic. already at that age. Right. Okay, I had the opportunity to be, and I had the opportunity from within my home, and I had the opportunity from people that I met that said, you're looking for a summer job? Right.

My father's hiring people to pick up bricks for $6.50 an hour, for the summer. And it was a shit job, but you did it. But you did it, and you understood. And you put away $1,000. Right, for the summer. And you bought clothes, and you fixed the stereo in your car. It's really fucking crazy.

That's gone, Joe. So you build them up. By the time they go to high school now, they know what the value of a dollar is. Well, last year, he made me wash his car for 800 debt for the summer. You know, you get to learn all those jobs have gone away. There's so many things that went away that it wasn't about the money. No, it was about.

There you go. You know, learning had the value of something. It's like the paper route. So now a child, his freshman year, goes into school. And he goes, you know what? Yeah. I can't wait for this year to be over. Because Uncle Lee is taking me his print shop for eight weeks in a row.

I'm going to make $10 an hour. I'm going to work 60 hours a week with my Uncle Lee. I'm going to make a bunch of money. I'm going to come on in September. I'm going to have this or this amount of money. I can't do the math in my head that quick. And they had something to live for in a way. Now that whole time.

There's nothing. They either babysit or work at some stupid ice cream store for five bucks an hour and they got to give a piss test and they're going to give them their fucking firstborn. So these kids are raised with no real work ethic. No. And now you put them in the upper market and that place drives the fuck up. What are they going to do? Work at the store as a stockering and shit like that. They don't even have those positions no more.

When I was a kid, you walk into any place. If you walked into 20 places and said, hey, you need somebody to stock shit. I was here. One place would finally break him and go, yeah, I can use somebody. You pulled close in the back, stock them here, get the sizes. Fuck you. I do tons of people who did that shit. You worked in the dully and

learned that a slice, you know, make sandwiches. Whatever. I don't know who, I don't know what government, I don't know what the Republican or Democrat. This is what baffles me. What happened to all those little positions that got kids ready for the fucking world. To be honest, I think a lot of people

who lost their job did not. When I was working there, there were a lot of adults who were working there. And I hear more and more that people and kids in high school can't get the jobs that I got at CBS or Radio Shack or the movie theater. I'm not sure if you could get it anymore. Because I think there's a lot of people who graduated college and are qualified but can't get other jobs so they go for the job they can get it's crazy because when I was in high school I was part of the CIE work study program so you got 15 credits for being

part of the program you had to be there for first class every day 7 30 you went downstairs and you talked about different careers what was upcoming what was available for you in your field by the time you got out of high school but if you took that course you only had to take like you are out there at 1215 so but the requirement was you had to have your own job or find the job to the school that was the requirement right there was people like my friend veneery he hired you did you drive the car no but you washed it you waxed it by hand you vacuumed it you vacuumed the chapel you pulled out the caskets, you took the boxes off,

you pulled the formaldehyde. You know, you did shit like that. That is shocking for some people. He didn't make you pick up bodies. From time to time, if they were shorthand and a delivery pick came up, like they just picked the body up at the airport,

and they come back and you happen to be there, you just picked up the fucking body and went inside. It was no big deal. Like, you just knew when somebody pulled up, you hung with Vennari, when somebody pulled up, just got the body what's going on buddy how you doing friend the guy would look at you go fresh from kennedy airport all away from fucking bermuda you look at the guy and he'd be all fucking

yeah but veneery even gave you a little salary you always had a hustle the church would give you these stickers to sell if you sold them for two bucks you got fucking a dollar or something like that and people would buy them they don't do that shit no more so the children don't accept They took away the fucking paper out. I know. That's what this computer. Whoever fucking put the computer in news? They put that business out, a newspaper business.

It was good. It was a good place, you know. It was good to read, good to get the newspaper. I mean, I missed that, you know. You're right, the internet, the web, it's too much. It's just, like you say, we're oversaturated with everything. just like with baseball. I say we're oversaturated.

We're back to being a little more innocent. That was the beauty of baseball. I have to overanalyze everything. I don't need these cybometric guys and tell me this. I watch the game with my eyes. That's why I tweet while I'm watching it. And it comes right out of my heart. And it's the truth.

You meet the stars, too? No stars. Oh, wait. You drop in this straight on Uncle Joey. Yeah. How are you doing over there, brother? I'm doing pretty good. I'm not going to see the devil.

I'm pretty fucked up. I don't know how many we had. What does it matter? Not really anything. All the matters you have a good time with your Uncle Joey. That's it. You head to Boston. I'll be in a few days.

Fuck, yeah. We're doing the Wilbertina, which is sold out. If I know anything about Uncle Bill, he'll find somewhere to put you in the dungeon and you can see it through Periscope. He'll do something. Oh, yeah, yeah. my uncle bill he don't give a fuck he'll find the way to get a dollar out of you so just show up at

the gate i'm sure there'll be something there for you if not i'll be over at the foxwoods casino in connecticut on saturday night how's that one for you bishops somebody's trying to get a copy that deported all right there you go you got to get the deported you want some real fucking laughs and that's it then a week after that november 18th i'm on the what come and take it comedy festival He was sitting, there's tickets available, go to come and get a comedy festival. Come on. Great stuff is going on, guys.

That's what I'm trying to fucking tell you. Nick Coutour was here tonight. Joey Coco Diaz. He's still not a Scientologist. He won't break. One of the funniest bastards in America. The tour won't break. He's been approached by 15 different Scientologists.

Don't believe a word he's sick. Yes, they have. I have a friend of this night. They tried to get me in a pool years ago, not those, the other one, the born again. No, I heard they couldn't get me in there. Scientologist. You're a good piece of me

You can be like a new Tony Danza I know Tony Danza Not that you know them They'll put your honor As a new Tony Danza No I don't want to be in the next year I get a TV show A little girl you're molest him

I know You do 10 years We break you out of that Joey Be nice here Nothing Oh Look at that we need some water

Don't that means Trump one Salute Oh my God it's true It's official It is That's the spirit's talking Oh my God Just saying to be careful

Joe and go be nice Thank you Thank you You're not saying nothing negative here Nah no I'm just I'm doing a Joe Pesci thing Be nice here I'm just messing with you people

Fuck up here Frankie There you go You got a little water That means something's going down here That's a little blessing for you Lee get a little water Let me give you something right there Saloo

Saloo Saloo Saloo Oh boy Look what you did Cucin I apologize No worries

You know I love you Well, you apologize. Joey loves you. Let me tell you something, guys. We've been working with these guys for a year. If you look at my drawers, I got thousands of pairs of this. If I go to Jiu-Jitsu, if I go to the gym, listen, if I put shorts on, I put me on these on. Why?

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important thing guys. I need you guys for this. There's a big favor of me. I ask you guys for everything you know I love you from my man Blake out there in Columbus Ohio I never got to tell you how much I love you Sam Blake all you motherfuckers there listen I need a big favor from you guys I shot my special in Chicago congratulations on the world series one of the best cities in the world that's why I shot my special there I need a favor if it's just you guys December 8 my special comes out all right there's a channel

call C-S-O-T-O-T-V, it's tremendous it's got old Saturday Night Live, it's got original programming, it's got some stuff that won some awards. Do me a favor. My special is going to add there. If you sign up today, right now, you're going to get two months for free

and you get my special for free and you're doing me a favor. So do me a favor. Go to C-S-O-com slash Joey. C-S-O-com slash Joey and press in Joey. J-O-E-Y right now. As soon as the podcast ends, do this for me.

That's a personal favor. Click on that you're interested in the special. When it comes out, watch it. Call me a fat fucking pig. I don't give a fuck. You did me a favor. That's why I love you because you're doing me favors. We do each other favors.

You scratch my back. I scratch your fucking back. And we all have a good time. All right. I need you to do this for me, all right? So I want to thank Audit. I want to thank CISO for putting my special on. Please go there and get two months for free time right now.

O-E-Y and I want to thank me on these.com and I'll see you motherfuckers at Foxwoods Saturday night. I want to thank my man Nick the tour for coming down, cracking some jokes. I always love this guy with all my heart. Thank you, buddy. He doesn't need these stars because I have a heart attack. Yeah. My pleasure. But we'll tighten them up. All right. Looking forward to UFC. Thank you, brother. U.S. New York. Oh, are you going? No, I like McGregor. All right. My man. You bet them?

No, I don't bet him. I just dig him. I like him and the other guy Diaz That guy's funny too Well she bet on the car I don't know I mean I don't know I'm starting to get into it Were you bet me

I'm not paying anyone I was wondering if you took off Why they took off Rashad Evans What they took up what Rashad Evans do you know They took them off the car Yeah something medical Oh well they know

I didn't know Thank you for telling me Listen guys thank you for listening Have a great weekend No matter what happens You still gotta push through your life It is bad as it fucking seems It ain't Cuba motherfucker

They're not gonna come take your house and make you buy it back. All right. Thank you very much for watching and listen. I love you guys. I'll see you Monday. Stay blackish. The church of what's happening now

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