The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #430 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: November 15, 2016

Greg Fitzsimmons, Comedian and Host of the "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and The Greg Fitzsimmons Show on Sirius XM, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.    MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns. Recorded live on 11/14/2016.

Go ahead, Lee started. We'll talk about dirty feet. This show is presented by On It. The church, what's happening now is all brought to you by CISO. S-E-E-S-O.com. Go to C-S-O-D-C-S-O-C-O-C-E-E-S-O-GOMITY. And our listeners get your first two months for free when you enter promo code Joey at checkout.

You could take those with it. Mediocre weed for the garage. Yeah. I'll take one of these. Thank you. Show is also brought to you by Helix Sleep, where you can buy mattresses online customized for you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands, go to helixleep.com slash joey to get $50 off of your order.

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It's Monday night, cock sucker. November 14th, bitches. Four days away for my anniversary of kidnapping Ken Bellar. 29 years. Here we go. I'll be in Houston, Texas. The church of what's happened now. Greg Fitzsimmons.

My Goombaugh's death, Lee Syatt. Kick that mulee. I don't hear it. Kick it. You're playing games with me. Kick that motherfucker. Oh shit. Speaking of dirty feet, turn that shit off.

Before we join the podcast, I was telling, I don't want to sound like Trump Jr. here, but I was telling, because I don't even know what sexist is. Now this word has me all scared and shit. Yeah, you've got to be careful. You got to be careful. But the problem was I'm on the fucking plane the other day. I'm on JetBlue like a doctor.

And I'm watching the fighters on FX. And I like Amy Adams. That's her name. Amy Adams. I think Amy Adams is beautiful. Amy Adams looks like every Irish girl I dated from the seventh grade to the 11th, you know, and we held hands. There was no sex in those days.

I didn't have the fucking heart. I would go for a tit from time to time in the winter time. Right. But there's something about them being Irish that just, there was this girl, Colleen, that had that same color hair. Yeah. Was it cheerily, that same Michael's. She used to. You told me about this.

She used to rock my fucking world, Colleen. You told me about this. You know, then I switched. I jumped book and I started dating this other girl, Kathy. We were also Irish. Oh, beautiful. We were big cheeks. We used to fucking run together at night.

One night we just started swap and spit and we'd hold hands and then walk home like nothing happened. No sex was involved. Then I dated one of her friends for a while. I don't even want to say their names because people from the area listen to this shit. And I love them. Love him. But there's one scene where what's his name? The fucking dude, Markey Warburg.

Marky Walberg. Is about to have sex with her, and she's got a bra on and panties, and you can see that the panties smell. Like, you know when you look at panties and they have like little skin marks in the back, that shit turns me on too, right? Like a shadow. And she's not the perfect woman in the world. She just got a face that could just stop you in your tracks.

But her body is not like a super body, but when she falls onto the bed, her feet, except for the arches, are just covered black. and let me tell you something, my dick almost blew up on the plane, okay? If the stewardess was cute, I would have asked her for a hand job. And that's a jet blue sturess. That's a jet blue sturess.

That's fucking, that's not a good... Let me tell you something. I love Irish women. Yeah. I was thinking about how my daughter has that color hair now. Yeah. Like my wife is fucking Irish and Indian. And my daughter's got it now,

and it's everything I ever wanted. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's so weird how it hits home now. came to haunt me what I really loved came back to fucking haunt me you know I love all that dirty Irish shit yeah I love women I love all that that skin color a little cellular a little bit she's got them Amy Adams got a little mole on the side of her face she even had a little bit of a gut at the bar when she did a shot oh sends me over the fucking absolutely I missed almost East Coast women like I miss them I'm not around a lot of East Coast women out here like Vicki Pezza like I love

Vicki Pesa because she, like, the women at the shows were just yelling at their boyfriends and it was, like, I almost missed it. Oh, the girls at Foxwoods were fucking banging. Yeah. I mean, banging from A to Z. Those guys, I got to hand it to anybody who showed up at Foxwoods or, boy, the fucking Wilbur, you brought some fucking heat, Jack. Yeah.

They brought heavy artillery out there. You didn't show up with no Quincy bitches. You showed up with some. You didn't show up with no shipyard bitches. They stopped in Mississippi, Connecticut. There's like three or four hot ones up in Quincy. They'll rock your world. They don't even know how hot they are.

Yeah. Like the chick that played the town. What was that movie? Oh, um, the town. Okay. Blake lively. That broad played it to the fucking hilt. Just a dirty Irish girl, the bar that goes out every night for a good time.

I love those girls. Yeah. I love those girls. The only makeup is just some blue one of the eyes. You're not going to fucking tell them not to go out every night. Yeah. That's going to stop right there because they'll knock the fuck out of you. You just take them.

home three nights a week and you have a great time with him they puke they always puke after you give them a stabbing right then you got to kiss them and shit you don't give a fuck by that point you did what you had to do and shit they wake up what happened i don't know what happened they wake up you're down at the bottom of the bed licking their dirty feet oh loving every fucking minute i don't lick toes i don't lick toes that's disgusting and but i like the dirty feet but once we get in the bed you got to wash those hoofs i don't i can't have those dirty hips on my bed and shit. Do you wash their feet? I got a fun, no, no, no. What am I, my Jesus?

I'm not a fun guy toe myself. I'm walking around with duct tape on and shit. Sometimes I get radio waves. I'm like a fucking antenna now with my little fungi fucking toe. You got to get those sneakers with the toes cut out of them. This fungi toe is killing me. Because like for six months I'll just throb at night.

The fungi comes alive. It hurts? Yeah. I thought it was just growing. Like an ecosystem. So again, this weekend, I go in the tub and I just sit there for it. Like, I only do it in hotels. I bring the heavy duty artillery to the hotels and shit. The industrial nail cutters and the shit you clean the fungi. So I go in the tub, I soak that shit.

I cut those nails. I take them and I sniff them real good. Do you save it for after the show? I leave them for the maid. I put a 20 right on top. There you go. Have a party. Cucksucker.

She comes in the room. She listens to the couch. There's a thousand little fucking fungi nails everywhere. all different colors green purple they like the gay flag they cut holes in the fucking cushions she's so sharp oh my god sometimes I cut him and poke my wife with them I was telling me I'll just poke it and she'll go what the fuck is that it's a fungide nail keep it up it's like a snake tooth she's going to get a like an infection I'll take this to a concert I'll stab like 18 people 16 will start scratch it with 10 minutes and shit that's

what I should do. Take a fungi nail out and do a show. It's me stabbing people with my fungi nail. Can I stab you with my fungi nails? You got someone to eat it? Oh, that's it. I'm going to let them grow. I'm going to let them grow. I used to date this girl. She grew up, she grew up in a cult. And one of the jobs she had to do was cut the fucking

master's toenails. And I go, what do you mean? And she goes, they grew over his toe. So once a week, we'd have to go upstairs. He weighed like 500 pounds. They all had to suck his dick No shit He fucked all their moms It's a horrible school How old was she?

14 Yeah she basically grew up In that fucking cult And she still talks to her parents I would fucking Chipping with my brothers And having them hit by a truck Yeah right

You'm saying You dirty motherfuckers You want to be freaks And move into a cult Do it on your own time Leave me with my aunt He goes to church on Sundays You know

You're gonna take me with you Some fat fuck's house He's gonna fuck us all in the ass Clipping toenails. And the father's sleeping at night while everybody's getting fucked, including his wife. Because they had seven kids, but three of them belonged to the cult leader. Oh, no shit. But they took them with them and sold them as their own.

And when you see the whole family together. Sold them? Like, you know, they sold them the story that they were parents. You're crazy. Were you dead? So four kids have a lot of teeth. And the other three kids are just sitting there fucking with regular fucking smiles. You know what I'm saying?

And nobody's smiling. Everybody's frowning. Yeah. Because everybody's confused. Why does he have blonde hair? What a shame in this country. Oh, my God, the cults. Part of it seems appealing to me at this point, you know.

To start a cult, I just need to come up with some crazy shit, you know? Like, I think I would run a good cult. What qualifies it as a cult? You can't leave. Okay. Oh, shit, you can't. Yeah. No, you got to stick around.

But I think that I wouldn't fuck the girls. I'd let everybody get laid. You know, and I think we'd raise some money. But I wouldn't hog it. Spread it around. Later, everybody has some fun. But get a fucking, get some land, build some cabins. A lot of nudity.

Good music. A lot of doors. The doors? The doors. That's what we had on today. L.A. Woman. What a phenomenal album. That really is a good fucking album, man.

Yeah, they produced good albums in the studio. Let me tell you something. Growing up, that album irritated me to no end. my mom wouldn't listen to the whole album she just listened to l a woman over and over and over l a woman is how i learned how to speak spanish in a way oh yeah because she'd play it and make me dance for the other women in the room like they play cards and shit my mom would pull out l a woman that sounds like a cult but it wasn't a cult it was a bunch of crazy human women playing cards and snort and blow in the 70s and uh it's crazy how when i was 13 i paid picked up the aisle on my own and I would play it my mom's like I thought you didn't like this shit I go no I hated it because you tell me how hot jim morrison was yeah when you're fucking five you don't want to be here about a hot guy and my mom would say someday i'm gonna meet jim

morrison and just eat them yeah badish she would say my walk oh me compil and i would go what the fuck are you talking about wow my you know cuban women loved steve mcqueen mcoyne and jim morrison they loved rock hudson until they found out he was gay yeah not eating 85 They knew in the 60s, Rock was gay in the 50s. When he would go to Cuba, that's where he would go to escape, to be gay. Because you could be gay in Cuba? In the 50s, you were a celebrity. So I could bring Joe Fagg as my assistant, get two rooms,

but he's not there to sleep in that room. He's over in the room with me, rubbing my fucking fungi toe now and sucking my toe and sucking my balls. You know what I'm saying? His tongue would be by bidet. Yeah, yeah. And he's making eye contact. He has to.

That's how Rock Hudson. I remember when I was a kid, my mom used to always tell me that, that Rock Hudson was gay. Yeah. And I would go, fucking, how do you know that? And when I got older, like two years before she died, she goes, how do I know? I'm going to tell you. Whenever Rock Hudson came to town, it was a big deal. So I was a young girl.

We'd all go down there and wait for him. He would stay locked up with the guy all weekend. Who would go to Cuba and not go out? Yeah. That's why you went to Cuba to see the fucking dancing and the Spanish women and the fucking mulata's dancing and fucking Benny Murray singing and you gamble. He wouldn't leave the fucking hotel room. Yeah.

And I would look at my mom and go, you know what? You're fucking crazy. You're crazy. She dies six years later. He's got AIDS. And I'm like, fucking lady was telling me the truth. Yeah. Because when they were little girls, it was like when Michael Jackson went to London

and hung his kid outside the window. There was 2,000 people waiting. Same thing. It's fucking rock-catching. You're a Cuban girl. girl you're fucking 12 13 years old and rock hudson the biggest fucking star in american peliculus is coming to fucking cuba what's cuba the size of bayonne yeah everybody knows if you're coming once you land at the airport you know sinatra's in town you knew yeah so you went down there

that's what happened to the bay of pigs you guys figured it out who the fuck knows yeah what's up lee how you feeling dog i'm feeling we went to legal seafood like 18 times uh you know what i was I want to thank legal seafoods for fucking taking good care of me. Go ahead. Oh, okay. That was actually one of my favorite parts, not just legal seafoods, Bill, the bartender. I'm not even a drinker, but my dad always used to take me to the bar. We always used to eat at the bar, sushi bar, any bar.

And I miss guys like Bill who just, like have like a regular conversation. We eat up bars a lot. Bro, he came to our table when we didn't sit at the bar. Like, he became our friend. I met some great people in Boston. The star of my world was the hotel manager Margaret, the restaurant manager. Yeah. She was as beautiful as she was smart and fucking, she was 24 years old.

She started there as a bus girl. Boston accent? Yeah, dirty girl. Yeah. Dirty Irish girl, but beautiful boyfriend, you know, just set. One of those girls that you look at and she'll be married in three years. We just spoke about the internet. And her other business was the internet.

That's what she really wanted. That's what she went to college for. She was trying to sell products on there. And we just spoke about that. But both conversations left me fucking like, wow, you know, finally you meet somebody who's dynamite. Then the bar, Bill, from the fucking first day I got there, my name is Bill.

Who fucking introduces himself anymore? Oh, you mean he was behind the bar? He was behind the bar. And he came right over, gave me a menu, and put his hand there. Fucking guys, what, 6-4, 265, hands that'll fucking crush your head. Bald, old, you know,

he don't need much. All he needs is one good fucking shot to your head. And you're hearing fucking a Boston Red Sox game. And it's fucking January. And you got like, at the plate, his big puppy. And he came over and I said to him, what do you think?

And he goes, try this, this, this, this. You know, and I tried one of the things. I recommended. I drank ice teas. That was the, I got off the plane and went right to legal seafood. You know me. I don't fuck around. Right. You got to get as many meals as you can. You got to get the meals. I rolled the joint and fucking, you take a walk. I found the place to smoke. I smoked backwards. Then I realized they didn't give a fuck because it was legal. Yeah. And then I walked into legal seafood reeking of marijuana reeking. Went right to the bar. No hello to the host, this nothing. And I blasted out something. I forget what I ate the first day. Oh, bustle. had muscles and clam chow. Just by yourself, sitting at the bar. Solo, like a doctor. I came out of this motherfucker solo. I went out, I went upstairs.

10 o'clock, I asked Bill, Bill, what time you're close? He goes, 11. I'll see you around 10. I took a shower. I tried to write some jokes. I watched some TV, 10 o'clock, another joint. Pugh, right downstairs. Because you came back.

I got back. That night, I ate clams on a half-shel like a doctor. Wow. And crab cake with a salad. The next day I had breakfast at the hotel Menza Murt But for lunch you know where I was going to be Legal seafood

Fuck yeah Yeah I think we went there for late dinner Yeah absolutely We went there after the fucking will turn like doctors Come on That place isn't cheap either No no but I said listen man

I didn't get sick I could trust him The day I went and met Lee and his mom for lunch Which made my fucking whole weekend Had you met her before? Never I didn't know what to expect I expected something completely different than what I meant.

Yeah. First of all, just the fact that my mom was dead, dirty something years last week. Just the fact that he let me meet his mom knowing how crazy he meant the world to me. Yeah. I was expecting an attorney. I was expecting a woman with the temperament. Forgive the English of a Jewish attorney. Yeah.

Single, divorced, 60s, she's already seen it all. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's what I expected. I ended up sitting next to... the sweetest woman I've met in years. Really? And I could tell she was lonely.

I could tell she wants Lee back. So now I'm guilty. Mm-hmm. Because if my mom was alive, I live around the corner. I'd be rubbing her feet and breaking her balls and making me cook. Right or wrong. Right. If I had a chance to be with my mother again, I would dump my girlfriend.

Not worth the aggravation. I'd throw my mom eighth. What's the mortgage here, mom? Twelve, here's nine. Let me live down. downstairs like a doctor, which means, you know what the doctor means, dog? Means when you wake up, you know what you wake up to? Mom, with bacon, two eggs, toast, just how you like it.

Drink the coffee, Greg, before it gets cold. And she's standing there at the pot. Right there, right there. As you're pissing, and she's telling you about the weather and what happened. And what avenue to take is it's busy and Mr. Mailman got cancer. That's what the fuck does. You don't need any apps. You can jerk off in the bathroom.

Nobody bothers you. She's just happy at that. At that age, they gets to a point with mom and dad where they don't give a fuck. They're just happy that you're there and you're having a great time. You don't...

You know what? You can't bring women there. And you can't disrespect them and get high in the house. Got to give them. Who gives a fuck? I'll take a walk. How old am I?

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But think about if I... because I haven't had a mom in 30 years. So when Lee goes, yeah, she's long. Why are you fucking kidding me, Lee? All these assholes paying rent. How long have you been gone?

Well, I've been here almost six, and then I was gone for four of college, so pretty much 10. Yeah. You're ready to head back home. You know what's the mortgage here? What do you need a month to make you happy? Here you go.

Yeah. I'm taking the basement over. I'm doing the basement, a disco ball. They don't give a fuck, Jack. When you walk in at 501, they're at the door with dinner, slippers, ready for you. Had attention, again, with all the details. And there's always something in the fridge, fucking hard-boiled eggs. Yeah.

A homemade cake. Yeah. There's a homemade cake. Where are you going to go? You put weights downstairs, right, to punch your back. You get elliptical? You don't go no way. You go out, get a job just minimally.

Yeah. That's it. Come on. What do we need here? to make it happen. So what? I get my dick sucked with a massage parlor once a week.

I got the fungi nail. What's my nut? $1,500. I work at the deli just to live at home. You're spending half your paycheck on a blow job. Yeah, who cares? Right? When you live with mom, you're a widow.

Yeah. You know you go somewhere to get your dicks up and your balls lick. You go somewhere filthy because that's what balance out, living with mom. You know what I'm saying? Anybody who lives in mom

has like a girlfriend, but they do something Yeah. Because that makes you feel normal. Where you've been, Greg? Ma, I can't tell you. Yeah. Yeah.

I've been somewhere you don't want to know. And the thought of living with my mom, like, it wasn't her, but I just, I wanted to get out at 18. And now I don't want to live with her, but I kind of want to live with her in like 20 minutes. I'll tell you what, three months, ain't bad with mom. Yeah. I don't know. I could do three months, yeah, if I had to. You tell the girlfriend you're getting your head together, not the call for three.

Listen, no call for three months. For three months, I'm getting my head to go. I got somebody taking care of what I need you for? You come back, your toenails are clipped, you're fucking smiling. Oh, they rub apple cider on your toe and shit. You know what I'm saying? They put that exorcist acid on your toenail. They stills a little long.

Moms will do anything. They'll pop the pimples on your back, right? Don't do anything. Ma, I got a black hair right under my nutsack. They put the glasses on with the light over it and shit. Don't get that black head. I used to jerk off on my t-shirts, and I thought years later about how, you know how they were all clumped together? You ever come on a t-shirt and it just saw sticks to itself when I was younger anyway?

And then I think about my mom would have to see that shit and she'd wash it, you know? Think about what moms do for you. No, but I see, that's where you trick them. You've got to blow your nose in them. So now they don't really know. I blow my nose and everything. Underwear, dirty socks. But that wouldn't be a good excuse for my mom.

My mom's, why are you blowing your nose in your shirts? Because I just it's right here and I don't want to fucking how many trees can we kill? How many trees can we kill? Every thought about trees, ma. You're the one that's up here they vote for Clinton. Now you don't give a fuck about trees. Jerking off is green. You got to keep it green.

I don't know. I used to jerk off on something. When I was disgusting, I jerk off on a shirt and put it on. Like I'm one of those. Yeah? You unfold that motherfucker. Yeah. That starch.

Looks like a tight eye. It looks like somebody shot. it with something hard, like candle wax. You need to clarify what you just said. It sounds like you just laid your shirt out on your bed, jerked off on it. No, no, sometimes, no. See, I told you, I'm uncircumcised. So I was got a three-minute pause because I just hold on to the top of the turtleneck.

Why? And it blows up like a snake from the fucking cum. And that gives me like this. Shut the fuck off. You didn't know that, though? You didn't know that? I'm uncircumcised. So when I feel myself, when I was.

whack off by myself, I just hold on to the top and I sit there for a minute or two and think what I want to do. I look around. It fills up like a fucking, like a back of a cobra. Like it fills up and I go to the toilet and just pull the skin back and it comes out like a

fucking burp, like a boop. It just comes out of this whole one old thing. I take toilet paper. I wipe off the helmet. I take a quick piss and it's over. That's it. Nobody gets it feeling certain. And there's no witnesses. He's on his way to the Hudson River. You got a name for that move? No, it's called the Joey Dears.

I just hold on to the top and it swells up. I hold on to the uncircumcised meat and it swells up. Like it's choking. I've held it for five, six minutes sometimes. Why? Why just let it go? Because what? And do what? Stain something? I leave witnesses.

So you can enjoy it, hold it on to it? I don't enjoy it, but I got to come on something. I got to bend over and get a sock. I can just hold it in two minutes. Once fucking, I find out whether Lenny Brisco goes fired or not. I can go over and unleash the fucking. Fucking Dragon Juice. This is a great podcast on a Monday night.

This is a great way to start your week. I'm sorry about it. I went to this topic. I thought you knew. I said it on the rogue of podcast. I had no idea. I never heard that before. Oh, I've been doing that since day one.

It gives you like a little time. Sometimes you just whack off and you come wherever you want. I think there's some karma-sutra thing about grabbing the base. Or like tantric? Is that tantric when you grab the base? I watched, listen. But it's before you come and it stops you from coming. Years ago when I used to do blow, one of those channels,

Used to have late night two Indians fucking. Yeah. Like a bunch of Indian women fucking. They were hot. Like Middle Eastern Indian? Yeah, like the ones in 7-Eleven. But they were doing sex acts. And it was called Kama Sutra.

Yeah. That was the name of the show. I don't know. Felicia used to date a guy that was into Kama Sutra. And she said he'd fucking never come. Yeah. That one night she came 18 times. He didn't come one time.

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know about that stuff. That sounds like you're a catty. You're not playing. Yeah, like you can't come, but I see a lot of Hindus. Yeah.

It don't work. Kama Sutja don't work. I see a lot of Hindus. I think the Commer Succa is for making more Hindus. No, because you're not supposed to come. Yeah, you're not supposed to come. I get, listen, I don't know. Don't quote me on this.

I don't know. I'm smoking dope and eating animals. What the fuck do I know? I'm just a fat fuck who's uninform. It's not like I'm sitting here with a computer, Google, and fucking. Hindus and Kamasutra. It's good to see you, Doug. Always a pleasure to see you, man.

You came in looking like I stole your lunchbox. I know. I'm like, what the fuck? It's over. That's it. You know, we're living in weird times. If you haven't opened your eyes, the last 10 years has been rough on a lot of people.

We were just talking about the film industry. Dog, if I was still shooting shit, I got a call to you a day for a friend. I forget what the fuck the kid's name is. I did a shitty movie with him once, and he blew up. This dude blew the fuck up. He did those Cornicewood movies. And I just went to see the one about the pilot, Sully.

Yeah. And he had a three-minute role in that. I don't give a fuck it with his three minutes or not. I wasn't on that fucking movie, you know? So I got a call Friday. He wants me to do his web series, you know? And I go, okay, I'm fucking out of it. Lulumbardi in him.

Yeah. I'm like, fuck yeah. Lulombardi was the guy who played the cop to Big Pussy. and the Sopranos that always tormented him. Oh, yeah, of course. Great guy. Great fucking guy. I know him from auditions.

He can't use to come to the comedy store. It'd be great, but it's a digital sag. Yeah. It pays a yardstick. Yeah, right. Seriously. Yeah. You do know this.

I'm not joking. No shit. $100 a day. Really? I'd love to do it, but I'd have to cancel the park. No, no, no. I'm figuring it's a yardstick. What's digital?

Seven minutes? You do a take, another take, and you go home. Yeah. Two, two eleven. Damn, for how many days? Just Wednesday. For a hundred bucks? A yardstick.

Fuck. You know, we were talking about acting, how it used to affect our income. I barely make level two insurance, brother. And three quarters of it, to be honest, is on residuals. And half of that is the longest yard,

and Spider-Man, too. The longest yard has been keeping me in pork chops. It is the longest yard. Yeah, it's the longest yard. It's stretched out. And they play it. no football season football season Thanksgiving 8 o'clock on CBS I just got that check two weeks ago like what the fuck is that shit

nice like you know you sit there that's what's keeping me in pork chops but the old see it wasn't I never made money acting like people spoke about like I always got the shit into the stick I'm not complaining but I tell you where my forte was when I first got here I got into co-stars and one day somebody made a mistake and paid me the wrong rate and that became my rate so i would go in for every co-star in the beginning and they would shit their pants but i was so badass in the auditions that they'd have to fucking give it to me yeah i learned that i got to go in there and that's my value now i got to go in there like i my guest star role number wasn't good at that time i and booking guest stars. I had never booked the guest star.

But that disappeared, Lisa. Those days disappeared. In those days, I get calls from Greg going, Joey, what are you doing tomorrow? Nothing. My friend's got a show on CBS. They're looking for a garbage man. I told them about you. It's a co-star, but they're going to pay $1,600 for the fucking day. $1,600. I'm getting $15 spots at the store.

That's not bad. I love when people in this industry call and they're apologizing about amazing rates. I got a call someone apologized and they wanted to pay me $1,200 a week and I was making $8.75. I was like, oh, I think I'll be able to handle $1,200 a week. Is that okay? I'm like, I think I'll be able to manage. Was that Joey Diaz talking to you? No, I was going to work for Hell's Kitchen.

It was just amazing how that salary killed me. I was getting 10 of those. I was getting 12 with those. One a month. All I had to do is go to Warner Bros. Or go to Sony. And half of them I was auditioning for. You know where I was booking shit?

Actors Access. What's that? Back page? Actors Access is a fucking computer page that you go to. You set up a page. You put a headshot. But the industry has to go through that. So if somebody wants to see Greg Fitzsimmons today,

you have to have a reel on Actors Access. and then they'll email that reel with the fucking thing. Okay. So I set up an account early on. Somebody goes, go, go to the actors' access. First thing I booked was a film that flew me to Jamaica. I got fired, but they had to pay me a year later. Yeah, I got fired.

It took a year to get the Jamaicans to pay you? No. Sag is a motherfucker. See, if you owe me $1,500, Saga wants $4,800. Late fees, movie penalties, blah, blah, blah, blah, papap, papap. So on paper, all I wanted was $2,200. That's all I wanted.

I wanted what I was supposed to get. The misunderstanding was not on me. It was clear from SAG. It was them. As soon as you get on a fucking set, as soon as you touch base in the foreign fucking land, they're supposed to give you Padillaim, the script, your own hotel room.

They wanted me to share a hotel room with the cameraman. They never had a script. Wow. And they said, you have to wait like a week for Padilla. What are you fucking talking about? There's a fucking waiter at the restaurant that's got a tree of weed for me for a hundred. I swear to God. Yeah.

Guy showed up to my room and he had the stem of a fucking tree. Holy shit. Lee, it was like this with buds going all the way fucking down it just on a fucking stem. Shit. That was from the waiter? From the waiter. As soon as I got there, I went to the restaurant. I started talking to him.

He came back out and it was in his pocket. He stuck it in there. like a knife. Are you fucking kidding me? And these people didn't have it. I complained. They got pissed off. They said, you could take the next plane out tomorrow. I said, fine. When I left, and then I came back, filed the fucking motion. And then a year later, the guy called me. The story was, the guy owned the strip club. And he had a stripper he was in love with. But for her to move in, he had to pay for her first movie. So he went in his pocket and put $300,000 down. Put another $150,000 bond through SAG. Damn. Oh, yeah, he was in love with this moment. Just to get her to move in. Just to get her to love him.

Like during the shoot, there was drama with him and her. He wanted her to stay in the room. Oh, yeah? Yeah, oh, she was holding on to a deal. So he got two movie stars to do the role. You ready? George Jefferson and the black girl from Baywatch. Yeah?

Those were his leading stars. and we're going to take this to the cinema and they were going to win Cannes Award. I'm sitting there going, oh, this is a bunch of bullshit. George Jefferson. Yeah, and he hired him and some waiter from the strip club

to write the script. I saw the first 10 pages, like what I was supposed to read. Yeah. Shit was misspelled. It was just a horror show. And it was my fault for being a fucking Gabon,

you know. But then... What, does a job? You got to go do a job. But then I booked Coke case when cold case first came on first fucking came on I'm on the co-case first

I showed Julie how big I was when it first came on I clicked on to one you paid $2 per submission it came up it's the breakdowns without the big stuff they hold out the big stuff and they give you a lot more non-union stuff

if you're starting out but the early shows the first season they don't know what they're looking for so they go on actors access bam I nailed the cold case dog. And cold case was great the first season. I came on in February you have to pick up momentum. Nice.

You know what the fuck you think you're dealing with? Joey bananas? So then that gets added to your resume on the website. So they can constantly see what's a call with that you? IMDB. No, the one that you the casting agents look at.

They say that'll have your resume on it, contact info. All that shit. All that shit's on that. When you sign with a good theatrical agent. They take, like, they fucking beat you up about that because they know that's where the business is now. It's not about auditions anymore. It's about me sending your reel. They just call up now and says, can you see what Greg Fitzsimmons availability is from November 25th December 8th? Yep, he's available. Okay, can you send over his reel and resume and a headshot? Yep,

okay, thank you. And then your agent will call you and say, hey, you just got pinned for those dates. then they'll call you, like, you forgot about it. You've completely forgotten about it. And they'll call you and they go, hey, I just want to inform me, we had a quiet casting call. You're not on hold anymore. I figured that by now, you know what I'm saying? It's been a month and a half.

I'm not on hold no more. Well, fucking hoop-de-oop. Let me just kick you while you're down. Yeah. You don't even realize you're down. It's really changed. Thank God for podcast. And thank God for that's giving people for us.

and stuff like that, you know? Well, they got to start making small movies again, you know? There's got to be like movies that are made. It's so much cheaper now with digital. They can actually afford to pay people and do these little movies. But it doesn't, the internet stuff doesn't add up. You'll never make your benefits if it's just web series. You got to get on network TV.

Even cable, a lot of that stuff doesn't pay. I don't know. Who the fuck knows anymore? Who the fuck knows? I know that like the games are on strike, aren't they? Hmm? The voiceover games, all those games. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, those people on strike. The video game, V-O guys. The V-O guys, somebody's on fucking strike. Yeah, the animated people were on strike for a minute. It's been, the problem is is that you've got the actors union, the Writers Guild, and the Directors Guild all lined up with the studios, and they renew at different years. So they'll do a three-year contract or a five-year contract with the Writers Guild,

the following year they re-up with SAG, the following year they re-up, that way the three unions can't come together and have a front. They split us up. So we have no power individually. We got to all get together in one union. You should put that all together.

You get Lysayat, start a movement. What do you think, Lay? I don't know. I like it, but it's weird. It's weird to think about because honestly I'm pretty high and I didn't hear what you

to lean in the union you said but I was thinking about how like I used to be an editor and like to hear like about like all the money like actors and stuff make doing like short commercials it's like I can understand

why people are going on strike like all of those people when there's people making a lot of money like people at the top of these things are making tons of money 10 years ago for three or four years in a row Ari Shafir not did great doing commercials.

He fucking destroyed them. Oh, did he? Oh, he had like three campaigns early on that would kill us. See, even the campaigns changed. Yeah. When you would walk into a room, it would say March 3rd through March 18th. That meant you worked five days. What did that mean?

That, yeah, so what, they were going to shoot Lee's commercial for a day. You sat there and took a paycheck. Now it says that. But when you get the call, it's for one afternoon. Like, they don't even give you the whole day and some overtime. Let me go overtime. Yeah. Listen, take your time.

Go take pictures. Go do something. Make me believe you're a director. Talk about your fucking Paris festival. Whatever. You almost got shot. Whatever the fuck. Whatever the fuck happened to you.

You got drunk with John Travolta. We get it. Tell the story. Oh my God. It's such a different fucking world. I was talking to a friend of mine, Greg Powers, today. And we were talking about staying grounded, you know, how things have changed in your world.

Like the shit I would do 20 years ago, I was never one of those guys that went to premieres and snuck in the parties. I was always none, no, no, no. I was always a no-no where I came from. The only stuff that I ever fucked with was the stuff that I pertain to. By the way, there's a movie coming out.

this week with Warren Beatty. You guys see the commercial for it? No. He plays that fucking dude. Oh, right. I'm in that movie. No shit. I did a day in that movie.

What's it called? Who the fuck knows? They just sent me an email maybe a month ago, invite me to the screening. I shot this two fucking years ago. One day. Wow.

You're not going to even see me. I know you're not going to see me. I guarantee they caught me because I'm not even on the IMDB unless they listed me as mob guys rules don't apply rules don't apply I guarantee they cut my fuck so you're not going to the party it was five weeks ago four weeks so you didn't go they emailed me on a Monday for Thursday and I was leaving Thursday yeah I was leaving town so you would have gone why not as long as you don't do it all the time I mean going to stuff like that once in a while is kind of fun what if you ever walk into a place and you're

walking around like a fucking retard and everybody's talking. See, you got to bring somebody. Who are you going to bring? Bring a friend. Bring a friend. You got Lee Syak. Can you, me and him walking into a place?

You've done, you got 911 on hold. You got 911 one on hold. Me and Lee walk in a place. Me and Lee are perfect to rob that joint. Lee whips out of machine gun from that fucking jacket of his. And I start yelling, freeze. Are you fucking kidding me? We walk in a Cuban and a Jew.

You could feel the pressure. You know what I'm saying? We wrap around you like my fingers around that turtleneck. Oh, my God. I ain't letting go. I'm not coming on my leg. I ain't no fool. I got to see a movie.

I want a fan to make a movie poster of that, that image. No, no, no, no. That image should not be even seen. That's fucking crazy. What do you got going on? What else is happening in your life? All the children. How's the wife?

Wife's good. The road. Where are you at New Year's Eve anywhere? Cobbs in San Francisco. Are you really? Yeah. You have balls, steel. Who's with you?

I don't know. A couple other people. Oh, yeah. It's one of those shows. Yeah. 15 minutes? 15, 20 minutes, twice. Two shows.

Done. That's a great fucking show. That's a good gig, huh? That's a great gig, man. And bring the family up. I think we'll drive up the coast for, we got the whole holiday off, drive up to San Francisco, run around Golden Gate Park, fucking eat some dim sum, wake up late.

Be great. A lot of bad idea for New Year's. The roads are empty. You can't flirt with the waitresses, though. You know, if you get your wife there, you got to remember. Well, why is your wife going to come? She's happy at the hotel. They got pay-per-view.

They got room service. Everybody's happy. The kids are entertaining. Yeah. Bring some board games. Listen. my wife is great. I don't want my wife

at a comedy show. For me to do my thing, I can't have my wife in the corner. You know, why do you think I don't perform at home at home? I can perform a mile from where I'm from. Bananas in Jersey.

Yeah. That's my whole fucking tribe would come down there. I don't want them hearing what comes out of my mouth now. Oh, yeah? Seriously. So you have like a radius that you won't perform? If they really want to see me, they got to drive.

Yeah. I go to a stress factory. Yeah. Which will be an hour away. And to really throw them off, I go into the city. Even though I'm from North Bergen, which is right fucking nine minutes from New York City. Yeah. Well, Hudson County.

I know for them going into the city is a big fucking deal. Yeah. Well, that's like talking about Southie before. There's people that live in Southie that don't go to downtown Boston. They don't go to any other part of Boston. They just live. Now, how big? It's southy.

It's like a couple square miles. And how far from that is where we stayed this weekend, Lee? You were right there. Yeah, we stayed right next to the Wolver, pretty much. Oh, oh, not far. Not far. How far? Ten minute drive.

I walk through there. I get mugged. No. I walk through there. Can I cop an eight ball? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah, there's all Irish bars on the corners.

You go to those places. They'll spot you. Somebody knows somebody. Tremendous. Yeah. Tremendous. Yeah, you can have a good time there. And the bars close early.

What time? Two. Two o'clock. Yeah. And then everyone spills into the streets and it's all these drunken Boston guys and they all just start fighting. I was never. And it's not even too. Most of it's 1245.

That's the last call. 1245. When I was there. So, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. So, yeah, it's crazy. And something you can pay.

But I think it's like millions of dollars to extend it to 145. Let's get something straight. I was never Captain fucking midnight. There was a time where I was forced to be Captain Midnight because I really had no home. So what was I going to go home for? To sleep and think about missing my parents and shit like that, I've got to stay out. Yeah. I got to stay out.

It was so funny. When I went home with my family, I took them to Rudy's where I've been eating since I was 17. Where's Rudy's? Rudy's in Cliffside Park, New Jersey. Okay. We used to walk three miles on Monday night football in the dead of the winter, me and this dude named Tommy Russo, and we'd go in there. We were 16 and a half, and they'd serve us. Heineken on tap with calamari, with medium sauce.

What are you fucking nuts? We'd be in there living like fucking Johnny Labomba, that motherfucker. We'd make believe we had pinky rings, even though we didn't and shit. I swear to God, in those days it was like 30 bucks, 20 bucks, and we had it. Yeah. And I've been going, every time I go home, I hit Rudy's. It's still there. Still there.

I won't even eat Kalamari nowhere else. Like I got pictures of it on my phone. Wow. Yeah, yeah, perfect. And I mean, if you go there, there's two competitors. It's that one that used to be a place called Patsy's. Patsys finally went under. But all those years, I stayed loyal to fucking Rudy's.

One time I disrespected Rudy's, I went to Patsis because Mikey Betoley was taking me out to lunch and he kept telling me I had to go, I had to go, I had to go. But the whole time I couldn't even. That's how much I respect. It's like my passion for Chinese restaurants. I have such a respect for chans that I had to boycott California Chinese food. Really?

Like I finally, I couldn't do it anymore. Because every time I go home, I'd realize how bad the food I was eating here. Foco here, my main man, came up to me this week, like a man, and he said he went to eat, and he realized the same thing. You forget, and you order it, and you order it. And one day you go, what the fuck am I eating?

This ain't beef and oyster. to sauce. This is beef and soy sauce with onions and fucking rice. I'm getting filled up on fucking rice and a wontong that tastes like dick. You bite into a dim sum or a dumpling and it's a ball. What do you think is in that

ball? You think that's real meat? That's what they don't use on the fucking... That's right. That's right. It's a little rubbery. That's rubbed. But they mix it all together. They put the eyeball with the fucking legs. They throw a little bit of pork balls in there and a pig's ears and a pig's tail. And it's

taste kind, that's what gives it the flavor. Yeah. Is the pig. But everything else you're eating, they fucking grind down the shrimp, the tails, that's who you're eating in there. They give it that fishy flavor and shit. People are like, oh my God, I can taste the fish. That's a fucking shrimp snail.

You're fucking moron. Yeah, that's some mystery meat. The dumpling meat. There was a Chinese restaurant I went to embold. I loved them. I adored them. They really saved my life. I could talk all this shit about, first of all, I loved them.

I loved them so much, I went to work for them. Like, I called them one day, and I had my daughter with me at the time. I was a fucking bum, man. You know, and they came to, and I was going to pull a quick one on them. I was going to make them come and say, I couldn't find my wallet. And I went out there and I go, you know, I called you, and now I realized I can't find my wallet. I goes, take the food, call me when you find your wallet.

My heart broke. That night I went, I broke. the money. And after that, we just became friends. The guy goes, listen, you ever have a problem? You could put it on the tab. Your family. I was like, really? I started putting it on the tab. I get $100. I pay him. One day, when in there, they're like, we need a delivery driver. Uncle Joey's here. Never feed. I was selling Coke, too, at the same time. So I was delivering Coke and Chinese food. If you want a Coke, you had to buy a pint of rice something, but egg roll, something. Shriffu Young.

Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Boulder was great. Boulder was really great. You're a fucking eight ball. I've had a great fucking time. I really had. I'm trying to write this book,

and as I'm writing it, Greg, it's so weird that reading the shit the next morning makes me sad, but at the same time, it takes me to a certain time period that made me laugh, even though I had that sadness

which is kind of hard to explain. You know what I'm saying? Like, Jesus. How long have you been writing it for? 18 fucking years. I'm on chapter, one and a half. 18 years. I'm on one and a half. Come on, man, that shit's got to get out there. I read on writing 18 times, nothing.

Nothing. You do your 20 minutes every morning? Every fucking morning. I do a little more. Sometimes I read it the next morning, and I realize I got to tone the reefer down or do more CBD oil. I got to do something to get focused. I'm talking about my life and also I'm talking about the circus and Barnum and Bailey Circus

and fucking the lop leopids I'm like what the fuck it's wrong with Joey Dears I gotta start from scratch and move shit around you need an editor I need a lot of things Doug and that is the worst thing

well that is the worst the least of my fucking nightmares you know yeah let me ask you something how old are you when you got it together Greg Lee and I had a great conversation this weekend

and it's been haunting him and it's been haunting me because it started to make me think of what AIDS finally something hits you and says how long am I gonna fucking be mugging people I think uh well I was never

obviously like you I had a I had some drinking problem and I stopped that but it wasn't until my father died that just fucking snapped me into it then all of a sudden I just I just took stuff a little bit more seriously, but I also had more fun at the same time. How old were you?

23. That's when it all came together? 24. You knew what you wanted to do after that? I want to be a comedian. I want to be a writer and a comedian. So in a way, it took a tragedy to... I think so. You know, because I think I had a lot of...

I wanted to impress my father and get his acceptance, and once that was gone, it sort of let me go after it on my own terms more. I always felt like I was still looking for his approval. I was fucking 23 years old doing stand-up. I'm a feature act. You know, not making a lot of money, but paying the rent.

He knew I was a working comic. But when he'd come out to see me, I would still like, I'd get tight and I'd walk off feeling like a fucking child, you know? Yeah, I wouldn't want family to see me doing stand-up. It would fucking shock me. But now, I was just talking to Lee. I was about 32.

But it was a time when I had to be brutally honest with myself. Yeah. Like I was really, I was just spinning my wheels. I was doing stand-up, which was giving me a little hope and not enough hope. But in the back of my mind, there was hope. But I was just spinning my fucking wheels. And I had to do like an inventory. And I always believe in the Abe Lincoln clothes where you put your benefits and your, you know, like in your benefits.

and what's the opposite of benefits? Deficits? Oh, cons. Excuse me? Pros and cons? The pros and cons. Yeah. Whatever.

And boy, there was no pros. It was like two pros compared to 80 cons. Yeah. You know. And you got to be a brood. And you were 33? I was about 32, man. My world came on my shoulders.

I had already been married, had a kid, done time. And I had, I was, listen, man, you know, I wake. up and thank the Lord every day because from 20 to 30 I have no idea I have no idea how that even happened you know one day you're just 30 fucking two

and you got 32 fucking problems and the bitch ain't one you know what yeah 32 sounds about right you've gone far enough down that when you make a change it's going to stick well at 32 I had done it all Yeah.

That's it. At 32, I could already written a book, plain and simple. That was my biggest mistake, not sitting down right there, because at 32, that was a fucking book already. That was a tremendous book already. Then 32, by the fucking mercy of God, I got on stage. And that changed me. That was like fucking it, like that.

It was like a punch to the fucking mouth. But then I even went more rock bottom maybe four or five years after that But I was still holding on to comedy and I was still going out every night and doing comedy regardless Of what was going on or how I was feeling But then I had to make a choice and I had to write some shit down and you know what in hindsight? I made the right choice I made the right decision I went for it and you and I are having a conversation 20 years later yeah I can't believe I left bold to 20 fucking 21 years ago and it went quick man

it went when did you leave boston 90 well I went from Boston and New York in 93 and then I came out here in like 99 Jesus guys yeah me and Rogan we figured the other day we started fucking 28 years ago or something same time same place and very different paths you know he got

he got in the sitcoms really fast I mean remember when when Joe is coming up in Boston and he was like the guy other comics were afraid of. Like all the season headliners, they don't want to go on after him anymore. So all of a sudden, he went from opening to headlining without ever being a feature. He just went straight to it.

And, you know, he just stuck with it. And, you know, that was the same time that you started comedy was probably when I, that was a turning point. My dad died and I just started comedy a couple of years. before it. And now it's about getting getting free again. You know, with the kids.

The kids that would keep you grounded, correct? Yeah, right. It's, uh, I like what's going on right now. You know, as I was leaving now, we were watching World News tonight as we do as a family. She has this little pad

and it's her pooter. Pooter. A computer. Uh-huh. You know. And she was sitting, like, on my lap, and my wife was on the couch, and we were watching fucking world news tonight. The black lady died.

Yeah. And the guitarist died. Leon Russell, piano player. And I look at Merce. I go, Merce, I got to leave, you know. I got to go to work. And she gives me a kiss. And as I'm walking out the door, I said to my wife, I love you.

also I hear that little voice going I love your daddy you know what I'm saying you're like what the fuck do I want to go yeah what disco do I want to go to what club and the VIP talking to some assholes what coffee shop right I don't want to leave here to do nothing you know what the fuck am I thinking yeah right that's why when sometimes people

ask me to uh you know do their shows some guys got a fucking show at a coffee shop and it's got a wheel that spins and then if your name comes up that's when you go on and you're standing around like an asshole. Everybody get there at 8 o'clock, show goes till 10. They don't tell you when you're on. No, no, no, no. And you're all supposed to hang around back.

It's like, I don't have to have to have that shit anymore. Those days are done. I got to go in and out of there. You know, the comedy store runs on schedule. Boom. Wherever I go there runs on schedule. You know, nobody pops in that they do. They're 15 minutes behind.

Right. Usually you bump into somebody you enjoy talking to anyway for 15 minutes. Right, right. A comic you haven't seen or something. What about flappers? Great place. I'm going to be there this Thursday. My first time going in a headliner.

Now, just one night headlining this Thursday, the 17th. I'm going to tell you how cool Barbara is. I'm in that motherfucker Valentine's Day, 9 o'clock. She's letting me roll the dice and do what the fuck I wanted. Valentine's Day. Yeah, you know, the Yuhuru is where basically I put the early footwork down for my special. Yeah. 55 people no pressure you do 35 people you sold it out a Tuesday night you charge 10 five

hours you get a little workout people that want to come see you you tell people on the podcast this is not going to be Carnegie Hall Greg Fitzsimmons this is Greg Fitzsimmons this is great Fitzsummers just talking from the heart some shit you might like some shit you know the last 10 minutes I go to fucking form and close out strong Do some dick jokes. Yeah, for 15 minutes, it's just going to be what's on a notebook. Yeah. It was a fucking great time, which I should have taped.

We do have them, all of them. Lee has all the tapings. All those flappers, all those ice house shows. Oh, you save all those ice house shows? Yeah, on tape, not on video tape. Right, right. I said, Lee, who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows?

Maybe we'll put them all together and sell them for $2 and donate the money to cats or some shit like that. I'll have to buy a cat. That's hilarious. That's the first charity you think of is fucking cats. Why not? Like some fucking shelter that they don't kill cats. They take a lot of money. Yeah, yeah, they do.

You got dirty cats in there. You got to pay for litter. Fucking love. You got some volunteers, but how long are you going to go in there and hang out with cats? A month. And one day you go home and go, what the fuck am I doing in my life? You smoke and join some of that fucking shit that's going around. And all of a sudden, you're sitting there putting your shoes on.

They smell like cat litter. You got a rash on your face and shit. Lee, where's Tony Bennett? You hook him up or what? You're slipping, cocksucker. Monday, November 14th, it's half over, cock suckers. Kick it, Lee. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart.

Some, somebody twice as smart. as I A somebody Who Will swear to be true As you used to do with me Who leave you to learn Look at Lee, that chocolate took you over the top, didn't it?

It fucking put me over the top, Jack. I don't know what it was, but, yeah. Oof, I just went into a deep fucking... I swear to God, I just went somewhere deep into the hemisphere. I was thinking about something. You went to college. Yeah. You graduate?

Yeah. I almost graduated college, dog. And then I went to prison. Do you know that? That was in Boulder? In the middle of all that, I was 18 credits away, and I was up there. I was rocking and rolling. I had good grades.

But one day, the guy came to me. He goes, this is the next semester. You've got to take, like, an intro to sociology. And I had like a side counsel in those days. I had the girl that was married to her dad thought he was like a fucking intellectual. And he used to always tell me, don't take those sociology classes, you know.

And I'm like, they're making me take it. You got to take two of these fucking dummy classes. Whatever you describe, we call them dummy classes. So I ended up taking intro to social and something else. The intro to social, I don't even remember what the fuck we talked about in there. But the other one was very interesting.

We went in there and the guy goes, I want you to do me a favor. This is your assignment. I want you to watch Do the Right Thing and tell me what you see. I went home fucking furious. I didn't want to watch The Right Fucking Thing. That was the last movie I ever wanted to fucking watch in those days. Yeah. When that movie came, listen, if it wasn't a Charles Bronson movie or Steven Seaghan movie or De Niro movie,

You were in no fucking danger. But I paid for the fucking class. I might as well do the right thing. I watched it do the right thing. I watched this movie, and the first time I basically peed my pants. I haven't laughed this fucking hard in five fucking years. Yeah.

No. At this time, yeah, I've been six years since I had been in that New Jersey vibe, where everybody knew everybody at the deli. and people said weird shit. Yeah. But at the end of the day, we hung out, you know, the blacks hung out with the blacks.

There's a scene in there with the guy from taxi driver. No. With a guy from Deer Hunter, John... Hurt? No. John Voight. No, John Pump up Deer Hunter. There's a guy.

We just spoke about him. I did a movie with him. Very nice guy. He's the white guy and the Deer Hunter that doesn't go to Vietnam. Not Fredo, but the other dude. John Sumpton is his name. Anyway, it don't fucking matter. What are we talking about here?

What are we talking about? Talking about starting off in college. John Savage. John Savage. Yeah. John Savage is the way. Have you seen do the right thing? Yeah.

John Savage is the white guy that steps on the black dude sneakers. He's from Boston. Oh, yeah, yeah. He has the Boston shirt on. And you're from Boston. No, I'm not. I own this. Ah!

And they all, you know, do the right thing. Blue my mind. Yeah. because it let me where I was living, I was taming it down a little bit, but it let me realize I was okay. Right. And it was about the true meaning about

was the neighborhood and the Irish were on one corner and the Jews were on the other corner and the Koreans were on the one corner and we all said fuck the Irish and the Jews said fuck the Irish, but the Irish said fuck the Jews. But at the end of the day, we all made it work.

because we know deep down inside we do business as one another who are you kidding? You know, even though the spec kid came over you, give me a little old bill, where do you go? You know me, you know my family, you know my father,

you know my mother, you know my sister. And then one day your brother comes into work and you flirt with my sister and she walks away and you, your brother says to you, great, what the fuck? You can't be talking to these speak chicks.

But you're like, are you fucking kidding me? She brought me a Cuban sandwich the other day. Look at her in that dress. She's beautiful. I would dump my little Stacy for her. You know what I'm saying? Even though. But at the end of the day, we all got along.

And sometimes, and I'm not, listen, I'm not here sticking up for anybody or voting for anybody or just saying anything. I think that's what happened with Trump and away. I think that's what happened with Trump and away. I think he's done. I say some outlandish shit. Is it from the fucking heart? Come on, Greg. You know people.

You know it's not from the fucking art. But it's how guys like you and I were raised. You heard the word spick growing up in Boston a few times. The fucking spick-a-rooos at the store. Whatever the fuck. And one of you just said, well, you fucking kidding me? That guy's got good cake. He's got good cake in there.

You have the cake. And they're like, what are you kidding me? He's a fucking speck. You know, but it all works. It's not like you're going in there with bad. That's with Al-Qaeda blowing up my ice cream machine and shit. You know, you just say the fucking Spick store. When I grew up in Jersey, there was a spec store on the corner of 40th Street right

there. He used to make the best Cuban sandwiches. And no matter how many spicks you hated, you were in there once a day for one of those cubas sandwiches with onions, with hot sauce on that motherfucker what? In the dead of a winter, he had air conditioning. He would let you eat in there in the corner with a nice tea with the cup. when they were fucking still in cartons.

That's how long ago. Yeah. Fuck you. It works. I think people, you know, listen, man. All right,

let me give an example. By the year ago, what the fuck am I? I'm at that sushi place I like. Over on Ventura. I'm sitting there mind of my own business. It's about one o'clock.

I don't go in there during lunchtime. I go to have about 1.30 because during lunchtime you get too many fucking hypocrites going in there. So I go in there. I'm 1.30. There's nobody in the corner. There's a TV right above me. I sitting there. The place is fucking empty. Also, I look up, and there's a fucking chick sitting next to me. Between you and I, she can't be more perfect. Just how I like them. Spring dress on, banging, Asian. I don't know the denomination.

30 feet. Oh, she had flip-flops on. Even better. Yeah. Her toenails were done. I look over. I'm sitting there. I'm looking at it. I'm watching the TV. But while I'm sitting there, I'm thinking to myself, what if? what if I just dove between her fucking legs right now and ate her pussy, right? But by that time, the sushi guy came and dropped that filly roll on me with no asparagus. And I killed that fucking savage. And then I paid my bill and I left. But the more the story is, does that make me sexist? You know what I'm saying?

Does that make me fucking sexist? I'm sitting there money in my own business. The restaurant is completely open. She's got to sit next to me. Really? Really? There would be a show on HBO when you were very young called the hitchhiker.

Yeah, I remember that. Midnight, one in the morning. It was about a guy that was lonely. He'd be hitchhiking. And somebody would bring him home, suck his dick. Every week. Scrub his nutsack. It was, oh, my God.

I had to be about 11. I didn't jerk off then, but I'd watch the whole episode with enthusiasm. Like my head was going to blow up. Like, my head was going to blow up. Like, some made right here. Yeah, that was the first. first like dirty series. Yes, Lee. It was like the red something diary, red dress diaries or something and there was that. Was it on like a cinema max on HBO? HBO. I think it was HBO. HBO.

Dirty, dirty. I thought it was like serious. Hiker and he'd be driving. He'd be walking down the road. HBO at first, I'm talking about when they had the football series. Yeah. 14 something. And then after that was the show, this, this, this. This. This. This. This. when HBO didn't have a lot of content and they repeated the same thing only out of order but when that show was on it was 1983

and it was basically fourth and down something like that it was a football show and then after that was the hitchhiker or bedtime diaries yeah and then after that was some fucking bug some fucking thing in a theater and it was like a spooky show

and by that time I'd be all jerked up I'd be in bed Fuck that And the USA had a great show Up all night with Night flight Oh right Night flight

Yeah You would get home early Like you'd say wait a second I got 200 I'm gonna drop a G-bow That's a gram I'm gonna get a quarter ounce of weed That's another 50

That leaves me with 50 I got two options here I can take the G-bow And do it up on Friday night And then I'm dead Saturday or I get the fucking quarter of Weifer, get a steak, get a salad, smoke some reefer, and stay in and watch night flight. That's how good night flight was, right? Started at 9 o'clock.

You already had the blankie on your feet. All your friends were out jerking off. We had a great time last night. Not as good as me, bitch. I had a bong with snowing it with salami sandwiches watching night flight like a motherfucker, doing a bong every 15 minutes and shit. And night flight would end at 5 in the morning, Lee. That's when I was a professional.

That's when I was Lee Jr. And I would move to do two things. Go to the bathroom or get more salami out of the refrigerator. That was it. What is it like to smoke out of a bong with snow in it? Snow. That's how I lived in Colorado. And the snow is right outside my door.

It snowed 25 days in a row straight when I lived there one time. Like they were saying, it's not going to snow. know this season they're going to close them. I used to listen to Paul Harvey then. I was a construction guy. I was an electrician, and I just listened to Paul Harvey, the slopes of Colorado are bare. You know, they might not be open by Thanksgiving.

Dog, it started snowing like on the 21st. And it didn't until December. You thought you lived in hell. You'd leave your house. It was snowing. You'd come home. It was snowing. You'd go to bed.

It was snowing. And you wake up and it was snowing. Sometimes heavy. Sometimes light. tremendous. Yeah. It's kind of dark when it's like that, too. So I can...

Snowmast was like a central thing. I lived on the one end of it. And then you crossed over and there was a hotel named the Stonebridge. They advertised on Facebook. I see him on Facebook. And I used to have a fucking room there. I was security there for about a month or two.

They gave me a spare bedroom. I had a safe in there with cocaine like a savage, right? Oh, I was confusing. You were living in the room? Not at all. I had clothes in there and a toothbrush. And I think twice I went in there and I would stay in that paranoid and jerk off

and, you know, peeing a beer bottle and shit and then the morning fucking go out there and throw away the beer bottles and make believe it didn't happen. I don't remember that. I don't think there was a bathroom. Something was weird about it. It was the security part of the hotel

so they gave you a room with a shower but no toilet. Something crazy. A toilet, but no shower. I don't remember what it was. Fucking craziness. What's up, Lisa, my little brother?

You're sitting there like fucking goobly calm. What happened? No, I'm just listening. It's a... I missed... When we were driving to Foxwood, it was pretty cool. We don't get that around here.

It's all concrete and dust and... Oh, you got snow up there? No, there's no. No, this last weekend I did Wilbur on Friday. and I did Foxwoods on Saturday, which I really fucking enjoyed Foxwoods. I really fucking did. Like, some casinos you go to you're like,

I'm never, ever coming here again. This one, I'll be there tomorrow if they wanted me. I wish they did something. I would fucking live there. You just did one night there. Yeah, that's it. I really liked it. They used to have a comedy club there,

so I guess they have a smaller room somewhere. That'd be a nice place to just fucking hang out for a year, crack jokes. Yeah. Get a couple of rooms, go to the sauna, include a massage one once a week. I'm getting old, dog. I ain't got time for this shit,

getting airplanes and shit. You're right. Yeah, I'd like to do a residence, man. I could do that. I could live in Vegas for a year, you know? Just do the same gig every night. Keep the door. If I can promote it a little bit yourself.

I could live in Vegas and do a podcast with my main man here. My main man, all I got to do is say the word. We're going to move to Vegas. And the 30 days he come back I'm saying, Joey, I really looked at properly online. I looked at Yelp. Oh, yeah? I'd be broke in six months.

I need, like, a personal don't go gambling coach to, like, smack me every time because I would love gamble. Didn't you gamble this last week? I won you. What time did you leave to go gamble? That's what I wanted. I didn't spend any time in the room. So you went upstairs, dumped your stuff, and went right to the casino.

The shower didn't work, so yeah. And what did you play? Blackjack as always. And did you win? Yeah. How much did you win? 50 bucks. I didn't get a five or a 10, nothing.

Nothing comes my way. Let him win his beak. Nothing, nothing. This is what I'm living with. Show some respect. Four years of college, Greg Fitzsimmons. There's nothing. He doesn't even come with a cup of coffee dog.

I won 50. 50. This is $3, but fuck, at least you made a gesture. I forget about the seven. You know what I'm saying? I apologize. He gave you nothing. You flew him in.

He wins 50 bucks and he's fucking right back to his room. Not even a flower. He could have bought me a flower from a Asian dress. I brought you a fucking lobster tail. He did. He brought me a lobster tail. Oh, did he? He couldn't bring me a workout.

He brought me a lobster tail. But it was pretty good. Yeah. You know, he had a cookie upstairs and there's something else. And after we left the fucking, the whole, that was the seafood place. Legal seafood. Legal Ceeful, he was acting funny, and I knew he was up to something. He ran upstairs and hailed that lobster tail.

Hell yeah. And the fanny pack. Yeah, what was the name of the funny bunny bunny? Whoopi pie. Whoopi pie. Oh, yeah, he couldn't leave until he had a whoopi pie from Bovis. Then he went the next day. I walked five miles.

I did. But he ate a pie, and then he walked back. Like, you know what I'm saying? He tried to tell me he exercised. He walked five miles. But he had two pies and meatball sandwich. He's looking to me in the face. Tell him he had a slice.

I know this motherfucker. I like the back of my hand. He went there. He got ice cream. Five miles. He's trying to tell me he walked five miles. I remember when we first got here, Ralphie Mae first got signed by the Laugh Factory.

And the first thing Jamie said to him was like, Ralphie, you have to work out. You got to lose a little weight, Ralphie. So they tried to get him like a dietitian and they got him like an exercise guy. Ralph refuse the exercise guy. He's like, listen, I exercise on my own. And they're like, what are you talking about?

And they're like, Ralphie, please, he goes, I got up at six in the morning. When nobody's around, I walk four or five miles, you know? Okay. So somebody put like watch on it to see if this is going on. And when they, I got the call. You got to go over there and talk to him, you know. And I actually went over there, knock on the door,

there's nothing but curtains. You think there's a crack hole in there, right? Oh, yeah? And Ralphie's in the bed just covering this. bed. All you see is his hands sticking off the matches. I go, Ralphie, what's up? He's like, ooh, nearly.

He's like, Coco. Man, I just got back from a eight-mile walk, man. He hadn't left the fucking house. No shit. Yeah, he would never, you know. Yeah. These guys come up to me. I walk five miles. This guy has a hard time walking to fucking. He walks the subway

sandwich. Yeah, I have evidence on Periscope, by the way. Never walk to Popeye's chicken because I'll kill him. No, dude, if I walk to Popeye's chicken, you have spies in the area. I know you do. Listen, you can't go to Popeye's chicken and eat 92 pieces of chicken. But you go to Popeye's chicken and maybe get a fucking wing and a leg, get a little dirty rice through a little thing, get the fucking sweet tea. It ain't going to kill you.

It ain't going to kill you. You just can't go in there and eat the fucking potatoes and the French fries and the fucking Why, do he quit going there? Huh? He quit going there? No, no, no. We were talking about it. You know, it's not a bad place.

Right. But the walk, he'd set him back three days. Right. He's trying to tell me, he got up in Boston, walked five miles. I did. Look at that one slow. You only ate one slice of... Did you eat on camera?

No. All right, then. I didn't eat it. But what did you put on camera then? Do the walking. Okay, so the walking's on camera. Yes, sir. But the eating is it?

I ate the slice of pizza. Seth. You know how. Now, you tell me if this is long on the other. He's not covering the whole day. Listen, you know how cool I am? It's like an OJ tape. You know how cool I am?

I went and I called and I went and I got the slice of pizza in between and, and, and in the, the UFC fight. I was trying to get the stream. When I got back, I was trying to stream the McGregor fight, but it didn't, it didn't work. But I got the slice of pizza before the fight came back on. What did you just say to me? No idea. Did you? Let me ask you something.

When you walked the five miles, yes. Did you eat the slice of pizza? Did you, after, you just walked the five miles and didn't need nothing? We went to legales. That's when you met my mom.

So after the five mile walkers when we went to illegals, yes, sir. You did not walk to five miles and get a slice of pizza. No, sir. When was a slice of pizza? After I came back from Foxwoods. And I went upstairs.

In between, yeah. And I called you like one, like, what are you doing? I think I was sitting here. hungry I'm hungry too call me if you go eat I never heard from him again I never heard from again he took off that he walk now that's so at one in the morning you walk five miles

no no one of the morning I walked like two minutes to the place in the corner I called you too no you didn't I didn't nobody knocked on my dough with a slice after you won the 50 so you won the 50 you didn't even knock on my dough with a slice a pepperoni pie a soda a diet Dr. pepper nothing a t-shirt from the gift shop nothing this i'm talking about ladies and gentlemen four years of emerson college they don't teach your fucking schooze in one-on-one no you got to you know this guy flew you in he's paying for your upgrade it's not even forget about it's my brother i don't get a fuck about flying he's my brother i love bringing them with me he's just you know he's just johnny bananas when i take him some places he goes on missions i'd rather have he makes me nervous

Because this motherfucker All walked eight miles and took up an Uber For a hot dog Because he saw it on dives, drives, and automobiles That makes me fucking nervous I don't know what neighbor is I don't know these people You follow me

And so wherever it is he goes In Jersey we're shooting a fucking documentary We go to bed at two in the morning I go to get them at five There's pizza boxes and chicken McNuggets Where the fuck did these come from? I walked across the street At five in the morning

To the gas station? You trust those people? Oh, you should have seen the room. It was dominoes. It was not gas station. You got the fuck the gas station. Got ribs from a get yes. There was barbecue sauce everywhere.

He's got three hours to sleep. He goes out to eat. Unbelievable. In my defense, you're giving me, like, my first major edible is you giving me the banana bread and just leaving me there with like dinner. hours ago and we brought home Chinese I left them with an egg roll no that yeah I didn't get

dominoes that night oh you got dominoes a night before we got the kind of the airport yeah I went up to get them four in the morning what's the smell I thought it was a fucking valed lula you know what I'm saying he's got pizza in those rolls cheese rolls and shit he's got his feet up like fucking veto this guy's a fucking lurker in the middle of night yeah And I'm trying, like, I forgot about 24-hour room service. I always fucking forget it.

It's worth the extra 50 because you're always hungry at 2 in the morning when you wake up. Yeah. And they don't have the best shit, and they rip you the fuck off as you're signing the bill. You're like, what the fuck am I doing in my life? Oh, yeah, like three different service charges. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You know, when I go to Vegas, they give you an account, so I don't give a fuck.

Yeah. Listen, I'll pay you 15 to go get me eggs. Mm-hmm. If I don't have to walk that walk of death downstairs through the cigarette smoke, to the cloud of death, to the waitress of one eye. The sadness on everybody's face. Yeah. Three guys like Lee wrestling for a hot dog at eight. Every time I go to the South Point and I walk past the hot dog cart, I think about Lee.

And they just put it a sign, three hot dogs a lot. They have like a picture of Lee. We went to the South Point. He killed that black dog. dude that black they Lee kept going back and forth like a fucking yo-yo because it's like 10 feet from the sports book yeah hilarious

when those hot dogs when that put them that dude turned that side around I've never got more than like two hot dogs stop it stop it stop it late you killed that poor man no I did not yes because that's a woman no it's a black dude what happened was you had like three or four of them

And then I left and you went back there. And you got like two more and took them up to a room with like a cheesecake or something. Because it's like, oh, no, no. They have the booking thing. Then they got the fucking hot dog stand. But 43 yards from the hot dog stand. And that might be exaggerated. It might be 32.

There is a place that if you're a fat fuck and you like marijuana, your diet will fail. Like whatever system you're on, it will fail. The food isn't bad, but the bakery is on the point. Really? If you really like bakery stuff and you've got an East Coast flat of you, I don't know the name of it. Lee, you know the bakery, which Larry always got us to fucking cake from. Right, yeah.

How good is that cake? You took that to your room, Cocksucker. I mean, it's like a, oh yeah, he killed that motherfucker. Yeah, if you brought it for me, And then you got mad that I was going to. I didn't fucking buy it for your cucks. Like, I would never buy it. Larry bought it for us, and I didn't want it.

And there was an extra one. And Lee looked at me like, fuck it, I'll take it to go. I'm like, Lee, you're not going to eat that. Sure enough, he got up in the middle of night sleepwalking. Did you? He's a lot. I don't trust her. And then he'll go, listen, I'll take him to Austin,

and he'll go like on Yelp or something. At least in Austin, we have our boy, Bobby Sharon. But if not, he'll go on like Yelp. something that they have good ribs and he'll go to some bad fucking neighborhood you know just getting an uber and go yeah he's that kind of what i could do because the the ribs are good i saw it on tv and next thing you know i'm nervous i'm like an uncle i lose him on the road i got to fucking tell people what happened he got stabbed at the mexican restaurant why do you go there i don't fucking know he saw it on fucking uh food hub or whatever the fuck it is so now you got to go wherever he goes

you got to be alert no so i try to take him the good places to keep his curiosity away. But he's just got this fucking monkey on his back. He's like Joey D is 10 years ago. You know, you got to go somewhere where you're not supposed to be. Last time we went to Austin, he looked me in the face. With all the barbecue and all the popadoes, he looked me, he called me and he says he was going to take a cab to an all you could eat Chinese buffet. In Austin? That's the last place you would even think about Chinese. Chinese food. This is where dudes and butts wanted to go eat. I saved him from himself. I had to call Bobby Shannon. Go, Bobby, you got to help me. You got to take this kid out of his room to fucking a barbecue. He took him to chewies. He almost had a heart attack. Yeah. Because if not, he's danger to himself. Chinese food at Austin. He's horrible. He's got food poisoning. He's giving everybody food poisoning.

Well, Chinese food was close, and you're talking about don't go far away. No, there was a lot of things. You could pop a dosers right. across the street with a 19 page fucking menu cut it out cocksucker why take a chance i don't know even columbus wouldn't go to that chinese restaurant understand what else you got going on kill talk to me always a pleasure for talking to you men i know it's good hang on i go on your podcast we laugh our ass on yeah fuck man lee's the fucking powerhouse of the show look on me so it's something about lee's presence just like makes you not worry about anything He's like a Buddha. I'm happy.

I'm happy that. He's got the watch on. He's got the watch. That fucking chocolate puts you over the top. Yeah. Is it chocolate pot or mushrooms? Oh, it's this chocolate we used to eat maybe a year and a half ago. And we get desperate.

It kicked up the, it was the very beginnings of us kicking up the edibles. It said 240 on the box. And him and I would split it. It was 120 and we would get sizzled. Fucking sizzled on 120. And then one day bought like two boxes and we had to eat it. Oh, we went deep. He almost barred the poor guy.

But he ate the chalk and we got fucked up. But then something happened. The guy who was making the shipment would let him sit in his car too long. So he would melt in the wrapper. and then you get them and they'd be like cooked but now frozen again so they went downhill for a while when they made a comeback with a whole new fucking line plus different flavors like chocolate espresso or something caramel or just some regular milk chocolate yeah so i was in there tonight getting the other shit we get because we're out of stars even though we ate one uh and i saw that they were back

and the girls like that 240 milligrams people really like them and say you have to tell me about them me and Lee saw the fucking devil two or three times on them I got a package of those and that's what we opened up we opened up under the Piratee first Yeah Little chocolate like the French people

You know what I'm saying Nice And then we went over the gummy Bands as little fucking death gummy Cushy something They fucking kill you Uh huh You know we go low caloric

Right We don't like eating cookies Or cakes No I can just see your guys Your bodies They really show a lot of training Training Training, big time fucking training.

I'm telling you, I'm fucking sizzled. Yeah. That chocolate's got my eyes all fucked up. Wait, 240. That 240 is that normal for, like, if somebody eats gummy bears? How many milligrams is that? We always got to remember that. We eat a lot of stars of death.

Like, the amount of stars, like those are the 125s. Those are the small ones stars. We eat those on bad nights. like anarchy edibles we love anarchy edibles is our main thing star one edibles that's what they are on twitter now they're our main motherfuckers they always come through for us

the owners are tremendous the product I still I think we've been doing the stars now for 18 months and they still fucking catch me off guard but I know how to do them now I stay off them for a week I give them 10 days once I do a star I won't

do them like we're finished I won't see him now for 10 days I don't want to see him are we different and now what so him and I could devour a 1400 milligram of stars that'll put a regular person in the hospital that'll put anybody I know in the hospital you start hearing voices you go deep you get in your car fox will do this we have a hard time putting your seatbelt on but we've built a tolerance of 1200 to 1,400 to 1,400 milligrams so I like to switch it up I'm not fucking retarded it's just like cocaine if you show up with a pound of cocaine no matter how good it is after four nights I ain't the same shit I was doing the first night now I'm doing an ounce of it that's where you start fucking eating up the profit yeah

is the fourth night because now you're banging on an ounce the first night you did two grams and you saw the devil the second night the chick came over she dressed up like a cheerleader you know ba-ba-ba-boom you had dead dick you're freezing up her ass so it's just like marijuana

I can't smoke the same stuff every day I got three different four different leafers and I switch them up so with the edibles we do the same thing so remember we might be able to eat 1,200 of the stars but if me and him

when they ate 2.40 of that chocolate tonight, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. I'd be drew on. Yeah. Because I could feel the gummy bear took us to the bridge, the chocolate pushed us into the bridge. You know what I'm saying? That's the best way to describe it.

Not over the bridge. Nah, that's something George Washington would say. He'd be happy right now, pot being legal. All those founding fathers, they'd be fucking smiling, saying finally. I just they believe in weed you know listen you know I love you to death I don't know the history of

weed I know the history of weed as far as 1973 after that I don't know it and guess what between you and I don't give a fuck I know about weeds it's like 1968 because my mom smoked yeah every once a week but I smelt it it wasn't but they smoked in the cigarettes when they played cards as shit Something wasn't up. Something wasn't right. But I had a godfather, Catholicism godfather. And as crazy as he was, he'd pick me up every Saturday and take me for a sandwich and

watching a movie on 40 seconds street. And by the end, he'd fucking spark one. And he'd start giggling like, oh, fuck, that's the same smell I smell at the house. Once you start figuring out, you're not a fucking moron. And then he would giggle and crack jokes and show me his gun. he wouldn't act like he did an hour ago. Something wasn't right with that fucking wacky tobacco. Got baked and started showing the gun around to a kid.

That's fucking great. He took his gun after Dirty Harry. After Dirty Harry. Like he took me to the movie. The whole walk, he told me about the gun. It's a 38 magnum. Whatever the fuck of his 44 magnum. It's the strongest gun.

It'll blow your head off. We went to some little restaurant where there was like a table across from this. And at the restaurant, he just put out your hand in the bottom. I saw him fidgeting. It was wintertime, so he had a jacket on. And he was fidgeting. And also, he goes, put your hand out. He just gave it to me.

And he goes, it has no bullets. And I shit my pants. It was bigger than fucking black. He said, there's the same gun fucking, uh... Dirty Harry? Dirty Harry had. And I almost shit my pants. gave it back to him he's like don't tell you your mother for me to get more action for if i

rat him out i never get action from that's a great uncle godfather godfather that's when godfather's a godfather that's when people believed and uh you know when you were somebody's godparent it meant that uh you went to visit them once a month you called them you always sent them like a stupid savings bond even if there's 10 bucks. I had a fucked up godfather, but he was good when I need him. You know what I'm saying? He used to take me to his girlfriend's houses

and tell me little things about women on the way home when I'd fucking tell them. No, I don't like little girls. You know what I'm saying? He told me someday you're going to like girls. You got to suck their titties. You didn't even like girls yet. I'd be saying, what's tities?

Oh, my God. Yeah. And then that's where you learn. You got to have a relative that tells you little details about girls. You know? They put like a porno on in front of the head almost blows up. My buddy Cuban guy. I won't say his name.

But his older brother put on a porno one time when I was probably about 12. And I'm watching it. And I get a, you know, I got an erection. And then his brother's name was Hector. And he reaches over and he grabs my dick. And he goes, hey, you like this? You like this movie? And I was like, what the fuck?

I was like I'd never had anybody touch my dick in my life. I love this you did. He just ran out of that. I just fucking. You never told nobody. I didn't tell anybody. I think this might be the first time I ever brought it up. It was like one of those memories that's like lodged back there.

You got to write this into a bit. Yeah, you like that. You know, my first ever disgusting experience was with the Ali brothers. I got thrown out of Sacred Heart School for boys in the fifth grade. And I went to McKinley in the sixth grade. In the sixth grade, there were these Spanish kids called the Ali's Juan and Alberto. Juan was legit, but Alberta was in a time. the ali's

oh just fucking hilarious you couldn't write this but in the sixth grade you're 12 maybe 13 they were like 14 and a half and 16 like the one that was slow it was like 15 in those days they just kept leaving your back

that's right so humiliating every new laugh they didn't give a fuck they were just happy to be in the United States they went somewhere from 9 to 3 they sang songs. They salute the flag. The Cubans were happy in those days. Are you kidding me? They were

fucking, the Cubans I knew in those days were fucking, the kids were fucking. Oh, they were saluting the flag and shit and going to Bible study and sing a oh yeah, the music a Catholic compada, Dios, Papa, Dios. They were legit to quit. But the Ali's were the first people I ever met, ever, beside my godfather that ever spoke to me about sex. And then I had this Puerto Rican dude on my block, Puerto Rican Nelson. He lived in the back. He was a bartender in the city. He used to always ask me.

And he wasn't a freak of nothing. I always thought that at one point he would molest me. Yeah. And even until today, I think deep sometimes. And fucking Puerto Rican Nelson don't molest me? Because he used to always have a robe on and slippers and shit. That's how he walked around. Oh, my God.

Puerto Rican. I love that you're not sure if he did. You feel like it's maybe... Yeah, like I think that he ever dope me? Like, he even pulled a cons to be on me because everything about him fits like an M.O. He was just a good dude. Yeah.

That we used to go outside and help us fix our bike. And he was a Spanish dude. He was just, you know, he had the sideburns and the leather jacket. And it was the fucking early 70s. And I moved to Jersey. And he would talk to a bunch of us. And one day he would take us in the back.

His claim to fame with me was I became friends of him. And I go over there and he had a black friend that went over to the Rock of Gibraltar, and he brought pictures back. And then he would just talk to me. And then one day, he asked me, me, you got to come of me. You ever go to somebody's house?

And you go to their house a lot, and they're sober. But one day you catch him in their fucking hammond. Yeah. And we go over there, and it's like early in the morning. Like, I used to go over there every morning at 10 and wake him up. and what's up, man, what are we going to do today? Give me an hour.

I'll go out there and play stickball with you, and he came out with coffee, and he reeked of alcohol. You know, he was one of those dudes in the summer. You know, no air conditioning. It's just a dynamite dude. Yeah. And one day, I knock on the door,

and he answers with a towel around him, and he's sitting down, like he's all fucked up. I go, Nelson, he's going to play football. He's like, man, not today, you know, and all this shit. He goes, come back in like two hours. So, you know, we're going to be. In those days, you're punctual.

Yeah. Like, we were there in two hours. He answered, though, you guys again, the fucking curtains were still up. He invites us in. He's got a towel on. You know, he turns a light on, and there's like a table filled with alcohol, you know? Oh, yeah? How old are you at this point?

Twelve. Twelve, and I can't remember who the fuck I walked in there? It was like six of us, Manavoured, that liked Nelson, but two of us, us actually interacted a little closer with Nelson. Yeah. I was Spanish, so I understood Nelson's world. I knew Puerto Rican people. But I can't believe who else was the other guy that mingled with Nelson.

So we had woken Nelson up. He goes, come here and come in. We're sitting on his couch. You guys want a soda. He gives us a soda. He puts the TV on. You can see he's still fucked up the night before. He's got the towel on.

And he's like, so you guys get late? And we don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Like, nobody ever spoke to me like that. I had uncles that would ask me. I anybody suck your dick yet. Yeah. Are you pissing sweet yet? That type of shit.

But this... You pissing. Oh, yeah, yeah. When you're Spanish, there by one tongue, oh, you know what I'm saying? Great. Yeah, it's a great line. But Nelson was basically the first person ever,

but, like, I ain't known about sex, but Nelson was the first person ever that said it could be yours, you know what I'm like it? Like, what do you mean? You never had? sex I got a girl right now she'll come over and clean your pipe and we're both like fucking shit

in our pants yeah you come up with like ten dollars we're like nah nah nah so that was he never talked about it again and then when they were sitting there like a month just those guys a guy in a fucking towel has neighborhood boys over

an office and get them all over and he's drunk Because he's outraged. They haven't had sex at 14 or 12. So he was cool as fuck. He used to play basketball without the shit. So one day I go away with this kid and he starts telling us... What's his name again?

Puerto Rican Nelson. Capitalized. Puerto Rican Nelson was cool as fuck because he used to bring us weed from the city. And he would actually give us seven joints for five dollars. Wow. He really took care of us. wasn't like he was a bad guy, which to me meant the world. Because a lot of people could bring your weed over in those days, but they say, I take a

joint off the top. He was like, I gotta go over it anyway. Don't worry about it. The guy gives me a better deal. So I always liked him because of that. So one day we're there, and a girl's there, a girl comes out of his bedroom. Me and my buddy are like, wow. Looking Puerto Rico and now some of the bro, and she sits on his lap and shit.

And he's like, yeah, this is my girl. And he's feeling them up. He's making out in front of her and feeling it to these shit and me and my buddy are frozen. Like we're just, I can feel. I can't remember who the fuck it was.

So, boom, how old was this guy? This guy had to be 28 and the bro it was like 21. But he was one of those, he had to be 26 maybe. He was from somewhere else and he lived there. It was before the computer

and before neighborhood watch before and no one was freaked at by a pack of 12 year old hang out with them no because in those days a lot of parents came out and play with kids i know that's different now see it's different now i would never be able to play with a random kid in my neighborhood so everybody knew him for the neighborhood and in those days we wanted to go into the murky waters yeah and he was kind of opening the door not really to be honest of you it took a long time it's not like he lirked this into his house and said do you guys want to have sex this is after we knew him for a year right we go back there all the time to get water after a basketball game.

We knew him, you know. But now he knew we were growing up, and he knew what our needs were. I look at it now. Like, he was just trying to, but we couldn't handle it. Yeah. So one day we were sitting back there, we had a basketball game, and he's like, hey, man, what did you think of that fucking broad the other day? Me and my buddy, like, oh, she was banging.

He goes, I'll tell you what. He goes, tell these guys how hot she was. And me and my buddy's like, yeah, she was hot. He's like, oh, when can we see it? He goes, listen. I tell what I'm going to do He goes, listen I'm going to fuck her tonight

In the living room And I'll leave the window open You guys can come by and listen That was his thing I felt like a dollar apiece That was his fetish We got into boys listening to him fuck We got there

He was fucking the shit out of her doggy style We all ran away We were like waterfine. We got there 10 minutes before he started fucking it. We're like, not even in there. And all of a sudden you heard her. Oh, oh. And he's like, yeah, that's it sucking.

We tried to look. There was a banana of us. Try to look at that window. We just heard them fucking fucking. And I heard meat. Like that's the first time I heard balls. Yeah. And we ran out of that dog.

The next day he's like, you guys come by. Oh, my God. That's the weirdest fucking neighborhood guy I've ever heard. Oh, my God. Holy shit. That guy's great. But the Ali brothers. Think about how many, like, first you had with that guy.

First, drinking fucking. Rather than drink with him, I don't think. No, no, no, no. He got this weed and he was like dog If I do this fee you got to keep it on the level I can't have you know he was very careful But the Ali brothers were the first people that told me like this all was happening at once So I was living on giving that a terrorist but I would play on 26th Street

And the Ali brothers were hysterical The Ali brothers were the first people I ever met my life that went to a hookah house And they would both describe the experience to me and it was like a fucking Perfect film You couldn't write this now in my memory because Juan Ali was very intelligent and he would say yeah you give him ten bucks and you go in the back room and they fucking take your shoes off and they take a bucket out and they wash your dick and they get on the bed and they ask you what do you want to do if you want a 69 and we do everything and we do everything we're there for like an hour we eat them they give us a massage the whole fire when you're fucking 12 and at 13 year old's telling you this shit. You're mine. It's like Pink Floyd the first time.

You go home and think about that shit and think about the possibilities. Like maybe I'll go over there. I'll put on my best suit. I'll get 10 bucks and see what the Bronx has to offer. Are you fucking getting me? But every Monday, there'd be a circle around these two.

And they'd be telling us all their sexual exocates. The fucking Holly brothers, until I hit the, right next to where they lived, was a company called Dura Test, and they made light bulbs, all sizes. They made these things, but the best thing for us as kids was when they made the office, the skinny long ones. Yeah. Oh, all that, I could hit you in the head 25 times.

Nothing will happen. They'd just break and get white powder on you, okay? So we would jump over the dumpster, get like 150 of those things, and everybody would take an armful, and we'd go to war with each other. No shit. Bah, bah, bah, we'd hit each other. No cuts. Never, never a misunderstanding.

And it was me, Juan Ali, Martin Perez, all these, Dean LaPrette, all these white dudes from 26th. We were all out there, but there was a roof. A flat roof over a garage next to Juan Ali's house. And there was access to the roof. So we're having this war, five on five. Everybody's hitting each other with these fucking things. I run to the roof. I'm having my own private war up in the roof

and somebody throws a rock over. They throw a bulb over, right? Then another bulb comes over, and then a rock comes over. Well, I take the fucking rock, and I look at the guy, and I go, don't say that. And I throw the rock up up in the air, right? And I just leave it like that, and all of a thing here,

and we look over, not the smart, Ali, but the retarded one, Alberto, the one that used to always say, See, you see what happened? Yeah. Like he was the one that, he was like Louis. He's like that character, Louis that wasn't intelligent. But he was going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was there.

He was that guy. But I hit him in the head with that fucking rope. No shit. I clocked him right here. It didn't break, but he got a lump immediately, like a hematoba. Yeah. But it was a hematoba that got, that pus went right to it. And he had a little pee hole in it.

You could see. And he was on the floor. He's on the floor. Like my friends didn't give a fucking guy in there with the rock. They give him with light bulbs and shit. He was the way where we were in New York going to put inside. He's the dumb one? They hit him maybe with 10 light bulbs while he was down.

By the time we got to him, he had powder all over from the light bulbs. But you can still see the lump on his head. I'll never forget it until this day. I always look him up on Facebook and Google him. I can't get a hold of him. And that's how they spelled their name, Ali. A-L-E. It was a Cuban name, Ale.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I still think about Alberto and Juan, Ali. And how funny they were together. It was like the first comedy team I encountered. Well, you're from, you encountered two dudes who, one was just retarded. But he had a friend, he was the brains of the operation, whatever. The one guy did, the other guy did.

Yeah, right. They were both union dudes. Yep. They both liked the Pats. Yeah. You know. No, you keep thinking I'm a Boston guy. I went to college in Boston.

I started doing stand-up in Boston. I grew up in New York. Okay, that's right. Tarytown, New York. What the fuck is wrong with Uncle Joey Lee? Now, everybody thinks I'm from Boston. You can't be giving me those edibles, dog? I'm a hot.

You don't get invited to do a Cam Neely thing? Yeah. Oh, you did? Yeah, I've done that a couple times. You didn't do it this last time. No, you heard about Wanda, right? Wanda who? Wanda Sykes did it, I guess, last night.

or maybe the night before and I guess she was doing some material about Trump and the crowd started booing and she I guess she just kind of had it out with them and then she gave him the finger and then apparently DePaul went up to

and didn't do very well he was pretty offensive they said yeah I mean they didn't like him you're comedians you're at a fucking comedy show you know the crowd just got to accept that

I always thought that comedy was how your world collided with the rest of the world. Right. Okay. That's what I was raised to believe. I say some fucked up shit. Even in the special, I say some fucked up shit about what I feel. Not about how, you know, I'm sick and tired of hearing about how illegal immigrants are ruining in the fucking country.

There's some good immigrants that have come here. Let's face it, we're all fucking immigrants, okay? I think we've got to do a better job, you know, control. do I want to be Trump Jr. and deport everybody? Come on. What the fuck? That's what's bothering people the most right now. You know, that's what's bothering people the most right now.

Yeah, it's a non-issue. They brought it up during an election year, but it's not affecting people's lives the way the national news makes you think about it. You know, I'm an immigrant, man. My mom's an immigrant. I'm fucking, every day I wake up, I'm happy to be here, you know.

I'm ashamed to have a felony. We're going to hide it from people. And then someday it comes on ABC News, a comedian, Joey Deers, has been walking around like he is a Christian. Yeah. Meanwhile, he got arrested for kidnapping. He plebe bargaining to fucking second-degree burglary. Now people like, why didn't you ever tell us so I was embarrassed? I'm embarrassed about it.

That's a Bill's character. Yeah. It's like a hitch in the fucking service. Right. Lee, what are you sitting there fucking, look at your eyeballs. Like a lot of cigarette in your eyeballs right now. They're so red. You look like one of those fucking Jewish people that not,

you own like a shoe store and you'll take what they give you. You know what I'm saying? Right now you got that look to you right now. Like, listen to Sneak is 1499, but it's Thursday. It's 10 o'clock you caught me on a good time. I'll do this deal right now for 1350 plus tax. Yeah, but it was 1499.

No, it was 1459. I'll do it for 1359 plus tax. You just told me 13509. 1550. That was two minutes ago. It's 1359. Right now it's 14.09. So make up your mind. Do you not want the sneaker or not? I'm fucking stone, Jack. I'm having a great time on a Monday night. I got a lot of shit tomorrow. Joey O'Neill. You know, I love you.

It was great meeting you. My man, Jack, Yatshoish. I love you, Cocksucker. Robert novice, Jeff Morris, Laya Hernandez, Lady J, great senior, Shet Rogers, Joseph Raphael, and my main man, my cousin,

who hit me up today and said somebody came into his fucking Jiu-Jitsu studio and said he heard about him on a podcast. I'll tell you what, man. I grew up with fucking Julio. We both grew up with bookmaking

fucking parents. That's how I grew up with Julio. You go to his fucking Jiu-Soo school after class, ask him to tell you, stories about we were like maybe 13 on Saturdays no we were like 11 because I was going to Catholic school so on Saturdays mandatory I would have to go to the Bronx with him and go get donuts for the guys run errands pick up money like we pick up like a hundred bucks and think we were

gangsters you like I picked up on you today what you pick up and they would pay us like a hundred dollars for the day for like six months me and Julio would do that and every Saturday was a different location because they kept moving around so the apartment wouldn't get raided fucking tremendous me and that's how we grew up then he became a cop and i became whatever the fuck i became and we had we we both went to war in 85 oh yeah yeah he told me the cops are looking for you and if i see you again i'm gonna arrest your people are looking for you you pissed a lot of people off what i'm thinking i'm looking i'm going i grew up with you yeah are you fucking kidding me i grew up with you're telling me this shit he's like i wouldn't be here for you

If I was you, so I didn't talk to him for a long time. And I held like a resentment, but then we started talking about six years ago. And now I'm pretty tight with them. I'm still loving the way we did when we were kids, you know, what we're going to do? But if you're in Lynn Hurst or any of those areas, Carl Statt, Munaki, like a motherfucker, Carney, any of those areas, man, go give an anaconda jih Tudu a try. Tell them that you heard it on the podcast, and it'll keep you a couple fucking days for free. He'll teach you how to hip escape.

And that's that, all right? Yes, nice deal. No, he's a great guy. He's, it's the holidays. He could always need a fucking economic boost. You know what I'm saying? He's a great jiu-jitsu teacher. He dedicated his life to that.

He's fucking 20 years. He's one of those fucking morons that he goes to competitions and the whole deal, you know what I'm saying? What else is going on, dog? Tell me a story. Put my volume on a little louder. I'm a little on the low side tonight. You ain't producing over that cuck sucker.

over there in La La Land, looking around, thinking about what you eat, when you get home. You don't think I know you. I'm not, I'm going to go for a three-mile walk. He tried to sell me that one time. I went to Chandler. I did. Then I went down to fucking Moonaki, and then I walked over the Ventura. I know you did.

You went to Chandler, you looked around, you said, Jesus Christ, I'm going to get hit by a car. You turned around and you went home, and you said, whoof. It's a tough fucking life we live here. I walked from Magnolia and the Royal Canyon to Chandler in the Royal Canyon

and then Chandler and Colfax and then from Calpax to Magnolia. What are you sweating? Yes. Obviously. Joey's getting a call. Who is it?

I sweat all the time. All right. So you went for a night. You got a little suntan? It was such a fucking beautiful day. It was one of those. days or you wake up you go to do something you go wait a second i got to look at my schedule i'm gonna have to cut some shit out today some people gonna be disappointed i had the 4 30 in hollywood over the hill

that's the first call i made so as i woke up i sent the email so it happened to the baby said and show up that's not happening i may do the local shit but going over lower canyon i don't even know Was it for an audition? No, what the fuck they want to see me about? Who the fuck knows anymore? Just get in the car and go. You know what? I'll see you the week after Thanksgiving.

Yeah. The traffic slows down a little bit. You kind of enjoy going down there. You're bored up in the valley. I've been bored. I'm locked in. It's time to go to fucking Hollywood and run with the big dogs in the daytime. Shit.

Take a meeting with these bitches. But now you're waking. up on Monday I just flew back Sunday from Boston six hour flight yeah it's a long flight even JetBlue it's a long fucking flight though three hours you still got three to fucking go it's still like 245 you're like oh my god thank God I caught that's when the fighter came on FX but I had commercials see but it was still entertaining to me I loved it I loved that movie he's one of the best actors working today that fucking dude the other one

The one that without no teeth, he played Batman. Oh, yeah. He's tremendous. He really is. Yeah. What's up, Lee? You're looking all tan. You're looking like DJ fucking Habib.

What's his name? What's the rap? DJ Calib. DJ Calib. Look at him. These shit. Oh, you got to start rapping. You got to get like a jet ski and throw a hundred dollar bills in the air.

You're assuming I can't rap. I never said nothing. I know you're, listen. What these people don't know and fucking Greg Fitzsimmis don't know is you're with an international superstar back in Israel. I've been telling people for years. When they go, who's this fucking guy? I'm like, who's this guy?

Who the fucking you, bitch? This guy was a director in Israel. One of the fucking pot-epoo, whatever film festival. That's rap superstar. Well, is it? Rap, Superstar. And International Rap Superstar. You understand me?

Lisa had to fuck around. He lost his hair on a chemistry experiment. They did something like with the Michael Jackson thing on stage. That was the end of him. Take some risks and you lose some he went some. He got like 8 mil in the settlement, Egyptian money. But he got like fucking 3-mill Americans.

He lent me 100 grand, and here we are. You know what I'm saying? I'm paying my Vig. Lee, you're going to write it all down, Lee? I should have been, but no, I have. Maybe I will eventually. Lee had a good time this weekend. We had a good time.

Thank you, people. came to the show. It was a great experience for me. You know, I don't know. The last year and a half, Greg, I've been getting anxiety. I get it at two places. I get it at the comedy store when I walk up those little steps. What?

On the street? Oh, walking up to the stage. Yeah, walking up to the little, you know when you first get to the store? Yeah. And beautiful, boom. When you first get to the comedy store, you're in the hallway. You get your water, you go to the bartender, you give the waitresses a hug. I see Greg Fitzsimmons.

I give him a hug. I see Lee. I see fucking Theo Vaughn. I got to get back on the pocket. You know what I'm saying? You're talking to him. Bobby Lee, you give him a hug. And all of a sudden, you look at the list.

And all of a sudden, he's got the light. And Jeff comes up to you and says, you got to get on stage and fight. And you just got the light, Joe. I just saw that. You got five. minutes maybe seven maybe eight right there I stopped the conversation and I walk up those stairs I get to the top I look around sometimes I sit down sometimes I stay in the corner and brother right there my world just goes so I usually take the chair and I start

breathing deep breaths into my fucking stomach and I breathe out deep breaths and I pray to God the common goes long keep going cocksucker run with it, bitch, and it stays at like 40%. And once he starts closing up, I get up, and right there, I get a little bit more to about 55, and then on the way up, I actually have to pace my steps and not let my breath go up. Because if my breath goes up and I'll let my anxiety goes up, I will fucking pass out right there. And by the time I hit the stage at the store, he puts some music on. He put some disco music on, like dancing.

and I'm 30% The opening line I get a laugh So I'm running at like 10 If I make it to the 11 minute mark And I'm okay It all goes away And now I'm just running on punches

To your fucking head To you fall down Like fucking Eddie Alvarez It's over Right It's pretty interesting But So how long has that been going on?

Maybe like 18 months Yeah Doesn't happen on the room No other clubs Just Every once in a lot while it goes up to about 60 yeah but I catch it I breathe and it goes down to 15 I go on stage I say what's happening motherfuckers yeah they giggle we run with that right there we

run with the other 10% that's left just gets your adrenaline it's like mad max when they're right on them he kicks that adrenaline up yeah that's that last 10% that really goes into your act if you use it properly yeah it's like a weird fear that you and as it's coming out of you. You can feel it coming out of your legs, coming out of your nutsack, goes it to your stomach. And next thing you know, they're laughing and now it's not the trance they're caught in as much as the trance your caught in. It's kind of weird when you're rock and roll at the 18-minute mark. You know, it's a certain cardio. It's like they say cardio isn't really effective on those machines unless you do 20 minutes. Then after 20 minutes is when you really burn fat.

I believe the same thing on stage sometimes. Yeah. If you think about it, it takes you a little while to get going. You take a breather for 10. You pace yourself and then you fucking just go out there like a fucking lunatic. Yeah. I don't fucking know what I'm talking about. So wait, what's the other place you feel anxiety?

Oh, yeah, at the Wilber Theater. Yeah. It was brutal. Really? Oh. It hadn't been that close in a long time. I get that type of anxiety when you tell me you got to take blood from me

like that's the anxiety that when you walk in the room and you're going to be all right Joey this is what we got to do we got to take a little blood sample no matter how you say it to me I hear organ music right after yeah

like fuck my body goes numbness always been like that oh since I was a kid that sucks I go deep into a fucking thing I've controlled it The last couple of years for my surgery a few months ago from my nose, it was horrible because they kept missing the vein.

See, if I don't feel any pain and I breathe right, they'll put the iPod on, Uncle Joey's cool as shit. If you start missing veins and shit, you have time you got to do it again, that's where it goes fucking bananas. So even at the blood sample, a week later, you have to go to the hospital seven days before the surgery, I had that first beast.

And at the surgery, they couldn't fit the fucking thing in a vein in my own my feet are going numb just talking about it and then they profoundly i said put in my fucking vein in my hand yeah and it worked in there and then i woke up and had uh straws in my nose held with bobwire from montanamo bay Jesus Christ you know what that's like for a guy like me oh shit and then like you got a spray uh saline so pollution in there and shit's going to come out on their own. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Molly, good golly. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it. That's that where you blast the saline in one nostril comes out the other? Oh, you just blast in the nostril and all of a sudden chunks start flying out of your soul. Yeah. And at first, it's disgusting, but then it goes 50-50. It becomes half. You get into it.

It becomes half-snap, half-blood. It's like a clown. It's like a half-shell. Without the salsa eats, you just eat those fucking... Please don't eat any more burgers in front of me. I got one of these things in my nose. It's like one of those things that growing your skin. A lesion?

Like a beauty mark? A beauty mark? A beauty mark? What do you call those things? A mole? A mole. I had one of my nose from 30 years. are doing blow I was pissed I don't think it went to take it out with the surgery but in that

mole like if you squeeze it once every 10 days a tremendous old school snout comes out like like one of those no fucking way like one of those coke snots like I'll feel it too I'm like that's feeling heavy there and also I'll be sitting in I'll squeeze it squeeze it and I'll feel like something thick I'll just pull it out and it's like an inch and a half with different flasers and different parriteeps. Some parts, it's heavy, it's thick, it's gooey. It's like a fucking Halloween treat. And it's there every 10 or 12 days.

Oh, my God. I can count for an hour enjoyment. Every 10 to 12 days, I don't know. I don't know what it's going to happen. It took an hour. Because that's how long I chew it for. Until it dwindles, it's like a little whitehead. Then I spit it into the air and land wherever it goes.

Why am I so fucking high? He's at Flappers this Thursday, which makes it the 17th of November. Right. Say, Joey, how do you fucking know that? I'm going to tell you how I know that. Because I'm in Houston on the 18th. Nice. I've been thinking about fucking, I always fucking think about this shit in November.

And I always go, wow, that happened this long ago. Yeah. Like, who was I then? Who was I now? Am I the same person? would I put a gun to your head over a fucking bag of blow today? I wouldn't even give a fuck. You know what I'm saying?

It's amazing how you change. So this time of the year, it gets a little fucked up for me. I'll call the victim on Thursday, say hello. The victim? Yeah, I still talk to Kent. He called into the podcast once. Yeah. I just talked to him about two months ago.

I don't think Kent ever stopped. You know what I'm saying? Like Kent, I met Kent and bold. Kent was a good-looking dude in bold who picked up Tam. He knew the right people. He hung out with the right people. Those right people supplied them with a fucking car. That's how right those people were.

And not just any car. Something right off the lot. It was a BMW store. So he come to town and he'd go, let me get an out of. Take it, Kent. Kent, you're going to come here on Saturday and sell cars. And Kent was a good-looking dude. And he'd go and then sell three BMWs on a Saturday.

Yeah. You know, so. But now we talk. He lives in New Mexico. He lives with his mother. He says he lives with his mother because she's sick. Whatever he leaves me a message, it's always late at night. Yeah.

And he always sounds a little whacked. Right. I was there, so I know what wax sounds like. When I get him in the daytime, he sounds completely different, a little bit more corporate. But I can feel something. He doesn't talk to Sam because when I saw him, after I kidnapped him, I kidnapped him in 87, but I saw him again in 93. Yeah.

I actually bought blow from him at a bar. Six years after he kidnapped him? Yeah, I never saw him again. And when I walk into pearls and there he is dancing. I go, Kent, what's happening? He's like, what the fuck? He goes, hey, man. I go, hey, Kent, I'm sorry.

You know, and I said, how are you doing everything? All right? Yeah, he was fucked up. I go, Kent, who's got the grandma blow on this motherfucker? He goes, I do. Give me the money. I gave him the money. He goes, I can't believe you.

You kidnapped me, you motherfucker. And that was it. That was it. That was it. I never saw him again. And then Facebook came along, and one night you're high, you're doing blow. You're like, let me see how if Kemp Vela's on Facebook and there he is. And I started hitting him up and fuck you.

He would send me those things on Facebook. Just fucking around. No, he was serious at first. Really? It took about seven years, man, for him to finally cave. However long fake, because I started nagging him on MySpace. I started nagging him on MySpace. And that's where he would send me something back that was nasty,

and tummy to fuck off. It was crazy. And then when MySpace came, Facebook came along, I got high one night on Reefer, and there he was in the very beginning of Facebook. And I tried to friend them, nothing. There was a couple people. I tried to be fucking friends with

and they were like, fuck you. Why'd you want to be friends with this guy so much? Because you felt guilty? Sure. You know, listen, I didn't hit him. I never hit him in the head with a gun. It's not like they kicked him. I didn't abuse them.

I'm not that type of person. It was all how people say. It was business, bro. You came into my life at the wrong time and you didn't fucking cover your ass, my friend. You're dealing in the fucking big leagues here. You know, dealing this ain't fucking a TV show this ain't breaking bad you know you're gonna meet

some dude on the street and tell him you want to fucking you have two kilos of blow what do you think happens what the fuck do you think happens the word gets up that means every barric hood is gonna fucking look at you and go this guy's easy prey all you got to do is getting 10 000 lower them into an alley tell him the money is in the thing you wanted to see the blow You take him there, you just punch him in the fucking head. You take the 10,000. Who's he going to say? What's he going to say?

He stole the blow himself. You follow me? He stole the blow himself. What was he going to say? I was young. I was very stupid. I'm not proud of it, but it's who I am today. What are you going to do?

You own it? Yeah, what are you going to do? What do you want me to do? Hide it and try to hide it from my resume. It's there. I ever get a show on CBS. I go into a meeting with you. and they go we love the show but there's a problem we do the background check which they do

before they give you a big check wait did they just give you a big check they want to make sure you're not a fucking offender in the neighborhood you know what I'm saying now that now let's check your Twitter and your Facebook everything yeah oh yeah no it's it's serious what you think they're gonna do it they're gonna fucking look at your fucking uh make sure you're not fucking giving out lollipops in culver city after three o'clock you know what's saying you're over down the corner in colvin city at the fucking thing giving out lollipop pop to give a messages like little fortune cookies today's your lucky day little spanish kids if you're signed here trump ain't going to deport you but come to the movies with me i'm taking you to see my

it's about filipinos what is it about polynesian people mexicans with fucking bikinis on same difference come up olipops for urban you all sit around with michael jackson style and Jesus wine. What is it? Jesus juice. It's really fucking weird how these people act and they get away with it. If you're that fucking stupid and you don't see it coming around your kids, you got to keep your eyes open.

You know what I'm saying? It's a tough being of dad, isn't it? Yeah. Do you ever look at somebody and go, this guy's a pedophile? No, we had a pedophile in my neighborhood, though, who we were friends with. He was, you know, he was a guy who lived a block from us, We all, our families hung out and known him for 15 years.

And then one day, you find out he went to jail for being a pedophile in the neighborhood. Falling out of a tree with a bag of an M&M's and a football helmet on. Giving out baseball fucking cards or shit like those Carvel ice cream cones. He would show up with the team you wanted. You're trying to get the Mets, but they always give me the Cubs. I got it for you. It was fucking creepy, man. You know, man, I got to look you guys both in the face and tell you, I got into some bad fucking situations.

I really did. And that's one situation that good Lord knows I fucking thank him for not. You know, bro, when you do drugs, who knows what happens today? You go to somebody's house, pass out. Next thing you know, they cause beat you. Mm-hmm. You wake up with chains around you. You get addicted to this 10 cameras.

right you come back the next day with the cops it's a fucking priest's house with fucking crosses on the walls

I'm telling you perverts took me down I've been here for 28 years it smells funny but I gotta stop eating these edibles with you Lee

I'm getting too old for this shit these are strong let's talk about strong as hell what are you going to do tonight Lee what he got to eat at the house tell me the truth

I think Paula made chicken and rice What type of chicken? I don't know Barbecue She made that last week What type of rice I think she made I think she made chicken rice

Chicken rice Look at you Yeah chicken rice You're a regular fucking lucky There was no lasagna No not yet Not yet No blue apron

Blue Apron came Last week I think it's coming at On Friday actually what you're laughing about remember this too we're talking about those chocolate covered strawberries that we used to do ads for yeah

oh yeah fucking berries what happened to those things I just remember we were everybody got involved they're back they're trying to make a comeback are they yeah yeah yeah somebody sent me an email with like a list of people if I was interested

mark them down cherries berries is trying to make a fucking comeback really they're off to two dollars per chocolate piece they moved on to greener pastures they're looking to fucking up the ante and see if you're interested yeah valentine's day yeah there you go no i don't want to fucking send chocolate to people's houses that's fucked up why i got a couple boxes sent to the house the one was good the other one was men's men's. Yeah, yeah. The other one was like, take your own chances. Yeah.

I grew up in a place, 10 minutes, a place in Fairview, New Jersey, then on Fridays, you couldn't even go up that hill because the whole side of that street across the street was double parked. While you were there, they dipped the strawberries right in front of you,

Krauses. Kraus in Fairview. On Fridays, it was chocolate-covered strawberries, Jack. They just handed it to you. No, you had to pay some geese. Give me your dick.

No, but I mean they dip it and hand it to you right. How do you need? Six of them. Give me six of them, Pablo. In a box, the box, the box would be little boxes, 12 boxes, the fucking LeSiat box, the Joey Diaz box. Because I go in and they need 12 with those motherfuckers. And they were all ham-picked. This is the fucking 80s.

Every strawberry was still wholesome. And they dip them in that perfect chocolate. And then he put like a vanilla thing on top of it just as a fucking kick to the stomach. Yeah. Oh, my God. You took them to the car and you could still feel the chocolate molding. It's like when you get that Dairy Queen ice cream and they dip it into that chocolate thing and they give it to you right away. Come on, dog.

Yeah. There's nothing fucking better. It's the greatest. It's the fucking greatest. Yeah. Same thing with that shit. How do we get talking about that? Anyway, speaking about eating, you got to sleep too.

Sometimes you can't sleep. You got insomnia. You walk around. You eat fucking hog and dozes. you smoke some tut-s-o-so-roots and you can't sleep. What it is is your fucking matches. See, you're unique. You don't walk like everybody else.

You don't talk like everybody else. And you don't sleep like everybody. So why is your mattress one-size-fits-all? For years, I had one of those mattresses. You buy for $200 at a fucking farmer's market, $50, whatever. You thought you were the king of the world. Then you wonder why you're at the chiropractor 18 times a fucking week. It's your mattress, cock sucker.

Well, guess what? And anyway, you don't talk like people. You don't sleep like everybody. So why is your mattress one size fits all? Like I said, because a custom mattress will cost you five to $10,000 to $10,000 until today. Introducing Helix Sleep where you can buy mattresses online. Customize for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. Go to Helix Slip.

Go to Helix Sleep. com answer a few simple questions based on four key preferences and the result will be a custom sleep profile used to build you the most comfortable mattress you'll ever sleep on your mattress will arrive at your door in about a week and shipping is 100% gratis and for couples gratis means who gots it means free 100% free okay that's what you want to hear and for couples you Helix Sleep customizes each side of the mattress. Helix customers report a 30% improvement in overall sleep quality.

I got one of the Helix sleep mattresses. I think it's fucking phenomenal. I don't even feel my wife getting out of bed. That's tremendous. So this is why everybody from GQ to Forbes is talking about Helix Sleep. So do me a favor. Go to helixleep.com right now slash Joey, J-O-E-Y, and get $50 off your order. Again, go to helixleafleap.com

slash joey and get $50 off your order. That's helixleaf.com slash joey, J-O-E-Y, and get $50 off your order. How's that one for you? Wow, that was a good read. You know I don't fuck around people. I'm trying to make the best of what I got. I ain't got much, but what I got,

I give you my fucking order. All right? Let me talk to you, people, about something. I got a call from an agency. They asked me if I want to look at something. I took a look at it. The holidays are coming. I'm trying to give you guys a good deal, all right?

The product came, we looked it over, Lee liked it, and there you go, all right? That's all that matters. We look at the product, we use it, we see how it feels, Lee looks happy with it. It's the black with the red in the middle. What I'm talking about is MVMT watches, all right?

You want to know where you purchase it? This is the whole deal with these. Good looking watch. Yeah, it is. You know, the company was started by two broke college kids that wanted to wear stylish watches but couldn't afford them. Plain and simple. They started their own watch company.

You know how they did it? They started from scratch. They did podcasts. They did YouTube. They did radio and they got the word out. Movement watches started $95. At a department store, you're looking at a $4 to $500. Movement figured out that by selling online,

they were able to cut out the middleman and the retail market providing you with the best possible price. It's classic design, quality construction, and style minimalism. Over half a million watches have been sold in 160 countries. This is what I'm doing for you tonight. It's the holidays, all right? Listen, they start in 95 hours. This is what you get. You never know when people come over.

They're feeling gloomy. You get more watch. You make that fucking day. What it costs you? Yardstick, what do you give a fuck? Put it on the visa card. That's right. Right now, today I'm going to give you 15% off today with free shipping and free returns

by going to MVMT watches.com slash church. Again, 15% off today. Free shipping, free returns by going to MVMT watches.com slash church, all right? Listen, this watch is tremendous. Lee's been getting compliments from freaks. everybody likes his watch. Now is the time to step up your watch game. You don't want to go to a New Year's party with some fucking time X

looking like Harvey the fucking, you know, go to MVMT right now. I'm going to give me 15% off today with free shipping and free returns. Go to mvmtwatches.com slash church. How's that one for you motherfuckers? Man, I wish I was an advertiser on this show because you take it and you bring it to a whole other level. What do you want me to do?

I got to put some heart into these motherfuckers. If I like the product, I want them to feel it at home. If not, I don't want to fucking pimp this shit out. Why? Why would I do something like that? I'm the last of the real McCoy, you know what I'm saying? Who are you kidding? I'd sell you for fucking $50.

Now, hold on one second. I just want to talk to you people here from the heart. All right. You know me, guys. I'm a man on the fucking go. I'm always trying to make it happen. I try to watch shows, okay? A friend of mine told me to watch a show name,

Take My Wife on C-Sysot. I started watching my wife. You know what? It makes me giggle. I love it, but most importantly, my special is going to be out of it. Now, Lee likes it. Lee's watched C-So I think he watches and sign out of Lives on there. He said, but I got to tell you guys something.

What's the best thing you bought for three 99. Lately. Well, for CISO, it's $3.99 a month, and CISO has nearly endless supplies of top-shelf comedy bitches, literally months' worth of executive originals, face-melting stand-up, and next day, late night, and great catalog of classics. That's why my special is going to be on C-Sos. We all have your own unique taste.

You know what I'm saying? They got, they got, they got, they got, what are we talking about here? They got SNL. They got British late-night talk shows. They got with CISO, it's your comedy. You get comedy the way you want it, all right? CISO is the place for comedy. They won't tell you how amazing they are, but I will.

CISO is amazing. And it's for comedy nerds. Comedy nerds like Lee Syatt. Last night, not last night, I'm not going to bullshit you people. Two nights ago I watched Harmon Quest, all right? And you know what? It was pretty funny. It's an original comedy.

So you want CISO? Here's what I'm going to do for you. My special comes out December 8. What is it today? November 11th, November 14th. It's going to be the 15th. Do me a favor. C-S-So.

It's spelled S-E-E-E-S-O. All right. What I want you to do is they got every episode in SNL, including the day after. So they got The Tonight Show, starring Jimmy Fallon, they got Seth Myers, they got 30 Rock,

they got Parks and Rec, they got saved by the bell, they got British comedies, the Office of Ricky Javaz, they got Monty Python. Listen, do me a favor. I don't care what you do. Do this for me personally right now.

To all you guys, I'm going to give you two free months of C-S-S-O when you use promo code Joey at checkout. All right. Shows you can't get nowhere else. Just go to C-S-E-E-S-O-com right now and sign up for two months free with promo code Joey at checkout. That's C-S-O-com promo code Joey. The best thing is we get to hang out together

in the month of December. You can play this special for your fucking uncles. All right. Knock yourself out. Have a great night. I want to thank C-S-S-O. I want to thank Helix Sleep. I want to thank N-V-M-T-W watches.

And I want to thank A-V-N-T-N-T-O-S-A-L-L-L-E-R-E-H. Go to H-U-R-C-H. Boom. C-H-U-R-C-H. And you're getting 10% off. Again, stocking stuff is, bitch. I'm looking out for you. I'll see you Wednesday night, 8 o'clock.

Be there. fucking shoot yourself. All right. Not to mention, don't forget my main man. Greg Fitzsimmons at Flappers. What time? November 17th, probably 8 o'clock. That's Thursday night. 8 o'clock. Go to flappers.com right now.

They either got Burbank or Claremont. You want to go to bed back. They got fucking Beanie's Bootery. What are they got? Barney's Beatery. Down the block, you're going there. You watch a game. And then you go see my man, fucking Greg. I'm setting up the night beer. And then if you smoke a joint before,

Greg, at flappers, you get a nice order of wings and get the nice cheese plate. One thing about flappers is they got great food. You get a little high and you watch Greg Fitzsimmons. Who's better than you? I love it. Me, I'm at the Come and Get a Festival. Friday night, 10 o'clock show. The tickets to $35 for the all-day festival.

Come to, what's the name of the website here? What the fuck? Come and get it. Listen, Google, come and take it.com festival. And the date will come up and you buy the one day pass for Friday. It's 35 bucks, all right? Number two, I got the improv in Irvine the night before Thanksgiving, the 23rd, 8 o'clock show.

I'll get you out of there by 10.30. You go to your bars and see your buddies from college and snort blow and get ready for Turkey, all right? I love it. I love you guys. One more time, Greg Fitzsimmons. One more time, my man, Lee Syatt. Uncle Joey loves you motherfuckers with all my heart.

Stay black, see you Wednesday. This show was presented by On It. The church of what's happening now was brought to you by Helix Sleep. Go to Helix Sleep where you can buy mattresses online, customized for you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands, and when you go to Helixleep.com slash Joey, you're going to get $50 off of your order. That's Helixleep.com slash Joey to get $50 off of your order. Show is also brought you by mvMTW watches.com Go to mvMtwaches.com

slash church to get 15% off of your order with free shipping and free returns. I love mine, the black on black. Get yours today at mvMtwashes.com slash church. This show was also brought you by CISO. Go to CISO.com

slash joey to get your first two months for free. That's CISO.com S E.E. E-E-S-O.com slash Joey to get your first two months for free.