The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #431 - Vicky Pezza

Episode Date: November 17, 2016

Vicky Pezza, producer of the "Rutten and Ranallo" and the "Point Vs. Point" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hint Water - Get a variety pack of their most popular flavors that would normally cost $24 for $15 at drinkhint.com/church. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.  Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free.    Recorded live on 11/16/2016.  

You bad motherfucker you? Ready to do this thing. My little brother, the soldier of death. I like it. This show is presented by On It. B'days are back, everyone. The church of what's happening now is proud and honored to introduce you to hello-tushy.com. Hello-tushy.com makes portable devices that spray your butt, your tushy, clean with water.

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I'm drinking some apple as we speak and it's delicious. Oh shit. You wanted it, you got it, cock suckers. Uncle Joey here. Yes, but as a known scientist, you're a bit surprising if a girl blinded me with something. My little Gumbah Lee Syatt. The Princess of Jersey, Vicky Pezza. Yo.

Here we go. Taking your back. Taking your back, cocksuckers. Here you go. Get the bikini on. Bang. do-tham. Da-gank-gank-g.

Oh shit. Break out the cocoa butter. Here we go. It's over. Break out the gorilla biscuits. We're going deep. Wednesday. 16th of November.

Oh, shit. Oh shit, here you go. We're going to take it into murky waters right now. If you're driving, wiggle that fucking antis, cock sucker. You're out of the shower. Dance this motherfucker. Here we go. Oh, oh, shit.

Think this one. Science. Damn! The church of what's happening now, cock suckers. What's happened? Wednesday night. You're here? I'm here.

everybody's healthy. Half the week is over. Clinton is dead. Trump is bullshit in you. And it don't matter because Uncle Joey's here to save the day with his trusted little fucking Jewish fucking Velvet Hammer and the princess of New Jersey Vicki Pezzar.

Welcome to the show Vicki Pezzan. Thanks for having me guys. We're still here. You've been here since day one with us. We chitch chat on the phone. Now you're working on a whole different podcast. Yes. One that pays.

They laugh. They giggle. Everybody's happy. and shit. Lisa, what's up with you, Cocksucker? Oh my God.

I'm doing good. I'm enjoying this chocolate. I had a, I'm having a fun weekend ahead of me. I'm excited. What are you doing this weekend?

I'm going to Pizmo Beach because Paula is getting her bar results. Oh my God. Yeah. We'll see what happens. Here we go. One of those are going

going to get fucking food poison this week. Did you get a food pack? What did you do already? There's no, there's always something. There's always something. He comes back with fucking

red eye or a stain on his head like the fucking ex-president of Russia. Last time he went away where they came back with a fucking thing on his head, he didn't even know it. He's walking around with a patch of fucking fungi on his head. Oh my God. From the jacuzzi. It was the jacuzzi. It was Airbnb's fault.

So this time I'm staying in a hotel. Thank fucking God. You know, you can blame it on the maid, Esther. You don't worry about fucking Airbnb. Esther didn't clean the toilet. I got a red rash between my legs and shit. Luckily, you won't see that. Thank God.

None. Those fuck, I like, listen, man, I like hotels. Yeah. After traveling so long, I really do like hotels. I don't know why. I just feel safer. I feel better. I feel cleaner. You know, I always bring flip-lops and shit to protect yourself because, you know, these people are animals. What's the deal with Airbnb?

It's like you're staying at someone's house, essentially. Is that? Yeah, pretty much. I don't think so. Not for me. It's not for me. No. And I don't want nobody to stay in my fucking house, even.

Went to the room. some guy 60 a night i don't know what he's doing in there i don't know what the fuck you're doing in there i don't know you that's the creepiest fucking thing in the world yeah you know it's it seems like instead of watching out we're giving more trust it's like um uber or for example yeah okay uber or any car service you know i'm talking to a cab driver because i always take a cab back from burbank airport i feel bad for those guys they sit out there from six in the fucking morning and youngsters are taking Uber's right in front of me. You got a

Burbank airport. There's 15 fucking Uber's there. Yeah. And the cab drivers are fucking livid. Yeah. They're livid, you know? So I was talking to him and then he was explaining to me how Uber, if you get into a car accident with an Uber and you sue them, you only get like fucking $5,000. Like damages and shit because a cab

is insured to a half a million dollars. There was some big difference. He goes, that's what the consumer doesn't know. Right. And if something happens in a fucking Uber, you go to guts. Yeah, because you're suing the person, this driver, not a cab company that has this, like, fleet of taxis and insurance. It's kind of weird. They were explained to me, and that's why we, as a society, it's like, okay, so things are bad in your home, and you're with your husband, and I live at the house, and things are rough for, you know, for Vicki Pess. So you want to rent out the room.

That's okay. Now, do you have a choice who comes to your home? Yeah, you can deny it. And actually, people get in trouble. They're saying, like, black people aren't getting accepted as much. Like, I just saw that with Uber the other day. And it makes sense, but I've only done the Airbnb where I take over someone's house. They have them where you can just, like you're saying, have like a roommate.

See, that's what I wouldn't mind doing that. Just taking over somebody's house for four days. That's one thing. With them not in it. Yeah. You know, in 85, I had, you know, I got into some trouble and stuff like that, and needed a place to stay. And I had slept on people's couches, and that's fucking creepy.

Yeah. No matter how much you like me, Vicki, your husband likes me. After three nights, it's creepy, you know? It's like, he's living here now. That means in the middle of night, you come out for a glass of water naked, you know, I'm sleeping on your couch, you got to dress up to pee. It's just so many inconveniences. You know, I'm a good, how much.

So if I stay on your couch, I fold the sheets, I get out of there by nine, you know, but it was creepy. It was creepy, even though the people loved me and I loved them, it was still, there was still one point that nobody feels comfortable. Yeah. You know, there really is. I don't care if it's your mother. I don't care. A couple years ago, a friend of mine called me and he's like, I'm going to bind for three days ago, sure. And I tell you what, it pissed me off because I thought she being a she would get up in a

the morning and wash her pussy and get the fuck out of the house. No, no, no, no. She was one of those game show chicks. Game show chicks. Yeah, so me and my wife would leave and we'd come back and it was game shows when we left. Then the afternoon it was fucking the black chick that doesn't know who the father is to the baby. Mori. Mori.

But she was really into like the celebrity thing. And I knew her. I know for 40 fucking years, but you don't know somebody that well. Right. I knew her growing up. And, you know, you come back at 4 in the afternoon, there were still blankets on the couch. Gotcha.

That's kind of fucking weird. So I know the feeling from both ends. Right. I always help somebody in need, you know what I'm saying? But the point of the story is it's so weird. I had a stay. I rented a room once in a house where she was a mom. Her husband died, and the kids all moved out.

So the kids were like, Ma, you don't want to be lonely. Rent out rooms by the month. And I got to tell you something. That was a horrible. You weren't allowed in the kitchen You weren't allowed in the basement You weren't allowed

To open the front door And walk right up the stairs And she would be sitting on the couch some nights And I'd be walking and tuned up to the gills And she'd be because she couldn't sleep till all my boys were in She only rented the men And she wasn't creepy or nothing And she would go out and she had a job

In the daytime It was just I don't know I just never like that How many of you were there Three. Three. There was three. Me and another Cuban guy upstairs and downstairs, she rented to somebody. She had like a, the son's put like a basement apartment together.

Right, right. And you had a sign like it was a month-to-month lease. She didn't want nobody there longer than three months. It was kind of weird. I lasted like three fucking weeks. I was there when her son came and he was a Cokefeeling like me. And we started smoking pot. He's telling me about his cop spots and my cop spots.

And the kid says to me, listen, man, let's just go over to this. city I got to go over there anywhere at five you're just gonna drop me off right he goes yeah it's cool we go over there on the way there we go get weed we get some blow we get high and he says to me you know when I get rid of this bracelet and I go who's bracelet and he's like oh my I had a girlfriend we broke up I took the fucking bracelet I go what are you looking for it he goes I'll take 50 bucks I like 65 I gave him the 50 bucks I walked down two corners sold it I got like 400 for the fucking bracelet gold was high three days later the cops coming arrest me

The bracelet was stolen, a robbery. Oh, my God. So I got possession of a stolen property, and they took me to jail. They charged me with something small, but fucking, I had a warrant out in Fort Lee or something close side. You actually went to a place where they took down your address? I just took this place. Now, listen, I always dealt with people in Harlem where you give them a little wink,

and that means melt it. That doesn't mean fucking look at the serial numbers and fucking go. bring it in, report it. When you sell gold in those days, there was like four pieces of paper. Two of them went to the police department. Some places just gave you one. You signed. They give you cash.

Everybody's happy. And you move. I had a guy that I used to give him bulk. I had a guy that I grew up with that turned me on to another guy that whenever I had bulk, no question. Bulk jewelry. That's a weird term. I go into your house, three fucking rings, six bracelets.

Your dad wears watches. I show up. I get fucking $10,000 for fucking. a bulk, a little fucking, one time I brought him so much shit, he didn't have enough cash. He would always tell you, listen, if you come here,

it's always 10K. You got to give me 10 minutes to go get it. Like, nothing's going to be over 10K unless my partner's here. That's the first time that, like, I had dealt with him a lot, but one time I showed up and he gave me like 10,

and he goes, it's a Friday. Would you take a check? I'm like, fucking drop it on me because I'm not leaving here without my money. Right. And he never ratted me out. Like, I had people who just melt the gold. They know what it is.

They know what it is. This fucking hump in Harlem. And like, like a, like, it was like a shady place to boot. That's really fucking killed me. Yeah. Imagine you went to Kay's jewelers or something. Like, it seemed like if you were going to go sell jewelry. Now, is that what all those cash for gold places are but just dressed up now?

Is that like, do you think that's where like, junk? Yeah. You come in. All right. It's a pawn. Lee, you come in, I look at it, I weigh it, gold is high right now, correct? It's a thousand an ounce. Is it, Lee?

Can you look up? I don't know what the price is of gold right now. But when I was thiefing and doing my thing, in the 80s it was 900. It wasn't bad. You can make a little living fucking thiefing and bring them back shit, you know. Oh, my God. You catch a good, you know, the thing was with gold that you get confused is how they rob you, what's the price of gold? From gram an ounce?

Oounce. $1,200. Yeah. Wow. You're making paper now. You rob somebody. Holy shit. But see, like, if you rob your wedding band, that's dushy to you because the diamond goes to waste.

They never really pay you for diamonds. They give you like an exact amount on a diamond. Even though your husband paid $35,000 for the diamond, if it's not perfect, they start. And when you go to sell a diamond, there's always flaws. When you go to buy it, it's fucking the best thing they've ever seen. Yeah. This is one of the best, listen, three black dudes died off a cliff getting this for you. You know, and they held it in their hand until it didn't even hit the dirt.

And fucking, uh, hands were chopped off to make this way. Yeah, the hands were chopped off and the whole fucking thing. But when you go to sell it, also they start finding all these floors. There's a little flaw on the left side of the diamond. So even if they can get a thousand for the diamond and they know it, they'll give you 100. And they'll talk you down to 100. Unless you want to wait three, they'll say it'll take three hours to mount the diamond off. And then they'll break it.

It breaks. That's why you never want to unmount the fucking diamond because it breaks. There's so many little things with jewelry. So were you looking for big rings, even college rings? Like we used to go in the house, four fucking college rings.

You got fucking three grand. You know what I'm saying? Bula, boola. You always hear about like NFL players and college players losing championship rings. Do you ever come across one of those? Never, never.

So to get back to your question, you come to me, inside the thing. Your mom gave you a gold chain for fucking Christmas last year. You can't make rent. I weigh it. It's 1,200 an ounce. It's a fucking ounce.

No matter how you cut, I got $1,200 for you. I'm going to give you a six. You're going to take the six because you're a desperado. But guess what? When you come back, you've got to pay me $12 because that's the price of gold. That's how they get you. I don't know if that's the scam they're running, but there's got to be some profit when you come back.

It's like a porn shop. You give me a ring. I give you $300 for 90 days. After 90 days, you could come in and start making me payments. And it's like a loan. It's like a Vig. And if it sells within that 90 days, what happens? It's not going to sell.

He puts it in a vault for 90 days, and you have a loan. Oh, okay, got it. And then he charges you. They need to charge you two ways. Let's say they give you $300. They charge you, whatever, $15 a week plus the $300 until, So when you come back, let's say you come back six weeks later, that you got to give them, let's say it's $30 a week,

you got to come $120. That's how they make that profit. Just like a loan shark. Only would, you were going to, who brings their drums to get pawned? You go to a fucking pawn shop. They got drums, guitars. That's why I never got into the guitar. Yeah, that's why I never got into the guitar.

I would have snorted. I would have snorted every fucking guitar I ever had. That's why, that's how they get you. So how do pawn shops work? And I thought, like, if you brought it in, that they would try to, that they'd sell it. So they'd do they only sell it? No, that's consignment. Oh.

That's a consignment shop. Well, no. So. Apporn shop is when you come in and go, listen, you see that black crack? I want to go do crack with it. What can I get for this fucking ring? And they take this ring and they weigh it. He goes, what do you want to do?

Sell it or pawn it. They go, let me point it for 90 days. Maybe my luck will change. So let's say you have this ring is worth $8.50. they'll give me $3.25. But for me to get the ring back, it'll cost me 10 points a week. So that's $3.250. So I have 90 days to pay a flat fee.

There's like a flat fee. And then after that, you pay on juice. You come and go, what if I pay juice every week until, so I don't lose it. And then if they lose it, then they can sell it. If you don't pay it, then I can sell it. You can buy it back, but you're going to have to buy it back at retail. Right. Just like any other customer.

Just like any other fucking custom. Jeez. So every time, that's why I don't like buying shit at point shops, because it's bad luck. Somebody sold it who was done on their fucking luck. Do you want to give me a wedding ring from a fucking point shop? Now I got this death finger on me and shit. I got somebody's fucking malook on me now.

I got to go home and kill 10 chickens and get fish eyeballs and rub them with my neck and then do a Jew thing. I got to do 10,000 religions to get that fucking kiss of death off me. I hadn't been in one. And then Paula and I were somewhere and we just stopped. I was like, I've never been in a pawn shop. Let's go in.

And it looked like it hadn't been changed since like the 80s. It's all this. It's just a room with accessories. Anything from cameras to films to it's fucking creepy. And you look at this stuff and you're like, where do you get this shit from?

But I watch that show sometimes. That's a very interesting show. I've learned a lot of shit. And listen, it's not like you watch it when you're on the road, Vicky Patton. You put it on. You write you have YouTube on you listen to music but people bring them interesting shit I was watching it last week when the Green Bay Packers won a couple years ago every player gets a thing

But the starters wives get something really did you know that something like that and They had a pen and they brought the pin in and they got the goes yeah this is official they called the NFL straight up but then they found out that like the quarterback's wife the MVP's wife gets one like a diamond dana something fucking just the only you know crazy shit that you think is nothing and that's how they find value in things that's a very interesting show like shark tank you like porn wars porn whatever with that company pawn stars i've seen it yeah people come in and bring the weirdest fucking things and those guys find value.

Basically, you're a loan shark. Yeah. You're a legal loan shark with something in the middle. There's, what's like, it's like, oh. Lay away? No, no, we were talking about the thing, how you can't sell it, so you'll just get five-hour donations on PayPal. Oh, right, right, right.

That just stands in the way. Like a bowling ball stands in the way. Like, you ever go to a porn chamber? There's a bowling ball. You're like, who the fuck pawned their bowling ball? Like, what can you get for a fucking bowling ball? bowling ball like seven dollars seven fucking dollars for a bowling ball Jesus I got it must be huge in Vegas like around casinos don't you think huge that's why they're all over the

fucking place what if they're all over the place and they'll buy a wedding bank quick because they'll sell a wedding bank quick holy shit oh we're in Vegas they can't lose you can't lose I'm drunk you're drunk let's go get married hold on we got to stop and get a wing at a fucking point shop go to a porn shop, get a ring for $2.50, put it on the visa. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a no-lose situation. Porn shops are better.

I don't know how they make money. Like, I really don't know. You have to do high volume. Like, it would be a, because some of them, they're in retail spaces and there's a lot of rent. So. Yeah, yeah. I've always wondered, I used to live by one. And I went in there a couple times.

I remember one times I found the ring and I went in there. dropped it off and uh how much did you take for it thirty four dollars or something it was like a rusty ring i found and it was really gold it was something happened to the outside of it but the inside had like 10k and i saved it for like a fucking year and one day i go what the fuck i need a bag of weed i walked out and i got like three i never figured i got 34 bucks perfect i was looking for like 50 but i got 34 that's a gram an edible and a two dollar two dollars $4.4. Who gives a shit? Everybody's happy.

You ever pawned anything, Vicki Pezzell? No. No, I never pawned anything. The whole concept of it's like so crazy to me. I know, I do know that at one point, I was told the story in my family that my grandmother pawned her wedding ring, but ended up getting it back. So I never knew how that would work. So what you explained kind of makes sense.

Yeah, it's 90 days. really giving it away right it's a fucking loan you know it's a loan like I don't understand the payday loan oh that's even sad like I think it's the same thing I think it's the same thing of like cashing a cheats fucking bang you out like I was thinking about I was driving and I saw checks one and a half percent like the place on Witsitt said not Witsitt it's on Hollywood Boulevard everybody's cast one check there there there's a there's a street on Hollywood Boulevard that It's like, Whitley,

Whitley and Whitley and fucking Hollywood Boulevard. I had an account there. You know, when I was a desperado, I had an account there. You go in, you show them your ID, you give them a fingerprint, and they'll work with you on anything. They're really fucking cool. And that was my bank from 98 to 2007.

And I remember, like, getting the first big residual check from Spider-Man and, like, tell them, like, The day before, like, listen, how much money you got in there? Because I'm coming with a big one for you tomorrow. Because, you know, I was snorting coke during Spider-Man, too. You give me a fucking residual check. Fuck. So here's the problem.

If I got a check in those days, like for fucking whatever, a thousand dollars, I could tell my wife it was 800. I rip up the stub and just tell 800 and give me like three or five and keep three and snort it. Do you know what I'm saying? I know exactly. If I had to cash it through her, she knew the exact amount. But I was getting it and I was fucked. Here's a shady thing I did.

She's my girlfriend, you know. Because now I'm thinking about it, now that you mentioned that, what I would do sometimes is, like, when I was in college, like, around that age, like you go out to dinner with a bunch of people. Like, it's a bunch of people out to dinner. So I would charge the bill on a credit card. And I would take everyone's cash. And then you use that cash to, like, buy Coke.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's always a scam. And then all of a sudden I have this huge credit card bill because really I've just been like using that to get cash off of everybody and it's like oh shit I still have to pay this credit card Can you still go to a bar can I come up to you Vicki peasant and go hi love can I ask you a question Give me the bill for me and my friend but do me a favor give me a hundred back keep 20 for yourself So once you give me the bill let's say it's 84 fucking dollars right I'm gonna give you a $20 tip right whatever eighty four dollars is it's a 840

and 840 is 1680. So I'm going to throw you a 20 and I'm going to go, listen, do me a favor. Add 100 to that bill. Give me $100 out of the register and I'm going to give you 20 cash back. Do people still do that scam? Oh, I don't know. It's not a scam. It's just real, you know, sometimes I'm at a bond.

I'm like money and add an extra hundred to this. It's kind of fucked up. It's on the borderline of illegal. I don't know. I don't think servers understand that anymore. No. I remember my dad used to do that. My dad, he used to do it because when he worked at a restaurant, they would give him free meals, but he wanted to tip.

So he said, open this up for a penny or whatever. Oh, right, yeah. But now, I started talking to your accent. Now, everyone, like, whenever I go to a restaurant, they can't even handle splitting a check. And it's on a computer. It's, like, it's easiest. It couldn't be easier. And people can't even handle splitting a check.

So I don't think anyone's going to be able to, like, if you went there and asked, put $100 on this, they'd probably be like, what? I'm gonna get fired. In the mid-80s, I used to get stolen credit cards. I had a friend of mine who would just hand them over fresh, fresh with an amount. And you had to wait

to the consumer, used a card twice, called in, then they opened the account. In those days, there were banks that people were so kinky, that when Vicki Pezor got a card, they printed two cards. One went to Vicki Pezzan,

and one went to me. So they printed 10 cards a day I got 10 cards and I had 10 dudes who go out and work the cards and I get 10% of their action This is a real fucking thing to be really effective with that you have to go into a different area So if you live in Jersey and I get the bank out of New York You have to go like Michigan. Yeah so you would drive to Michigan go to a mall and go crazy In those days the computer in the 80s when I was doing the credit cards the computers were so slow in those days that even if Vicki Pez had called and said hi it's 7 p.m.

in California I just realized somebody stole my card they'd freeze it but it would only be in that time zone This is how slow how long we've come how you feeling over that doctor This is fucked up right so you could in those days You I take Vicki Pez's card and I'd overnight mail it to Lee in California Lee would have two days to use that card Before California would get hit this is how crazy this this is the thing things you learn when you're out there like you guys were too young under $50 up to like 1990 if you didn't charge $50 you could just sign there was no swiper they put it

in a thing and went and ripped the receipt and gave it back to you so you were remember that I remember that you were called them under the limit thief people made a living being under the limit thieves because I go Vicki what do you need today I need three underwear from Marie E.T. Okay, how much? 50 or 40 bucks. No problem. I'll go get you the underwear. You give me 20. And then I go get Chinese lunch and I buy you and Lee lunch because it's $5 for the lunch. So even with tip, it's fucking 22, 25. It was called Under the Limit Living. You wouldn't charge and because and you have to go when people are busy. Every great fucking moon. See in those days, American Express, Diner's Club, Mastercard and Visa,

sent out a booklet every weekly. Okay? Every week? Every fucking Monday when you went to work, you had to take four booklets, diners club, and throw it away, and get four more booklets, okay? So let's say we're at fucking Starbucks.

And I come in and I go, all right, let me get a coffee for Lee, fucking Vicki, give Lenny two drinks, he's going to need him. Get the dog a drink, give the guy that fucking Momo sitting there a drink, and they came out to $35, right? Even if she's a fucking gentile, like somebody who lives by the book,

like really believes Batman and shit like that, those are the only morons that would stop and open up that booklet with a magnifying glass because that's how small the fucking numbers were. Even the credit card companies didn't want you to know if the card was stolen because they get insurance on that. So the numbers would be like, so you ought to stop. I got a line from here to fucking Lancash him. You got to stop to get a magnifying glass

to look at this number and look at the cut, 3441. This card is a stolen card. Nobody ever fucking did that in the five years I was doing it. Nobody. If it then hit 50 bucks, you got it. That meant socks,

sneakers, a pair of jeans, two tickets to the movies, and I'd have four or five different cards on me. I'd be working it for four or five different fucking angles. It was fucking insane. And I thought everybody, Everybody was in, like everybody had a card and a card. In those days, I didn't even have a credit card then.

It wasn't even in my fucking realm. I didn't even know where to start to get a fucking credit card. And I had like a credit card with two different names on them. I never used cash in those days. For like two years, I was living like a doctor. And you never got caught? Because that's what I was worried about. I got caught twice.

One time I got caught by mistake, my ex-wife. got nailed in San Francisco and when they asked her what her name was the dumb bitch was from Denver her name was Barbara Coors and she spelt her with a K and the guy goes you spelled your name wrong

and she goes I'm having a bad day he goes I don't know how I've had many bad days I don't remember how to write my name I've had a bad day I had to run out of Market Street and run down the street like pussies then one time

like I would do it like on a daily There was like a year or two where I had this friend that I had met by mistake. They were friends with a friend. It's not like I even grew up with him. And he's the one that told me about this scam. But he goes, you got to keep it fucking quiet because he was. So it was really, when I really went to effect with it, was when I left North Bergen.

When the people were looking for me and I owed a bunch of money, I went to Creskell, New Jersey. And I hit in Creskill, New Jersey. And that's when I really became good with it. He goes, don't use it in your neighborhood. Right. Don't use it on the buses Use it in the city The city nobody looks at your face

And nobody fucking gives a fuck And I became addicted to it Like it became addicted to it Because it's like unlimited everything you want And then he started saying Can you get rid of travelers checks And those were easy because You just had to write it out

Again one out of ten people Asked you for an idea in those days You bumped into one moron That was you know really believed In the law and shit that said can I got a notification with that and in touristy places you could go nuts

you spend listen you're spending $20 on a $999 t-shirt they know it you know it you're robbing me I'm robbing you give me the fucking t-shirt you shut the fuck up you're gonna get the 20 for the fucking t-shirt from the Amex people it was such a

it was such a fucking rampant going on like and I didn't know people until I met this guy and I would basically talk to him on the phone from Jersey go to Harlem pick up weed and I'd meet them like in lower Manhattan and we'd meet like by a 59th in Broadway and there used to be like a little bar in there and we'd talk for an hour and he'd bring people with him that this is what they did for a fucking living they had like you know how people what's that thing that you got somebody and I sell you soap

we all sign up for that fucking company amway this was amway for fucking credit cards Like this guy had 50 guys in Brooklyn and the Bronx Working with credit cards And he would refuel him with three or four credit cards Every three days And these guys' job was to go out and get merchandise So I come to you and go Vicky Pazze You want to design a nice studio

All right, you want microphones and a nice Listen these go for a thousand apiece This, this, this, this You want the computer, the speakers It's 10G retail I come back here tonight You give me five grand cash Fuck yeah, I'll give me five grand cash

For brand new shit in boxes with warranties? What do you give a Frenchman's fuck? Well, now you can't use the warranty with computers. Now they'll definitely catch you with the stolen merch. Well, even, I mean, even the stores back when you're talking about, like, would they even have cameras or the capability to record 24-7? No, no, no, no.

They're watching everything everyone does now. The only way you could credit card fraud today is online. Oh, yeah. But you have, the problem with online is that you have, you have. to set up different because I was thinking about it you know I'm the fucking criminal no matter what some nights I smoke a joint I think about Poseidon some nights I smoke a joint I think about fucking how somebody would do this stuff because I absolutely don't know I would have to get somebody like Lee and like a foreigner

those motherfuckers like I know there's Armenians in Glendale that know how to get 200 credit cards off the computer in 10 seconds and just start buying shit and sending it to warehouses where they don't have to sign for it that just get dropped off and pray to God. I think that's how you would do it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know because you still got to deliver it.

Right. So all they got to do is wait for whoever signs and you arrest them. Yeah, at some point you have to go pick up this merchandise somewhere. Somewhere. So that's the only way I could think of doing it. But on a face-to-face no more at Sears or at, I went to the mall tonight. What's the name of the fucking dump? Anything.

Any mall? Lacey's? Yeah. Like even Macy's no fucking way You use a credit card You get away with it They're gonna find you nowadays I think the odds are against you

Because that's what I feel I feel because you can't buy that With fucking glasses And a funny fucking nose Everyone's had there like I've had my card of card Stolen Yeah but look where they use it And how they use it

I guarantee they used it online A couple of times They actually do try to do it in stores still They still do try But I don't think anyone ever looks for them Do you? I don't think Well, I think when you walk in the store You have to see if the cameras are active

I think the only way I would use A card today is if Vicki Pazzo worked At some place And I would go in there and she'd go listen to cameras are off From 10 to 11 Buy up some shit Inside jobs I grew up with a friend of mine that ended up being

My first daughter's godmother And she was a badass bitch This bitch was a Jersey Badass bitch And she worked at Lord and Taylor And Ann David the shoe place.

And her and I were goombas. I knew her boyfriend. I knew her mother. I knew her father. And her and I would sit on the porch and smoke a joint. And this is before I started doing business. She was telling me huskamp how when shipment comes in, you take a pair of shoes out and say their,

what's that word, when clothes goes to Ross? Damaged, correctly. Irregular. Irregular. Irregular. So when a shipment of shoes would come in, she'd get the most expensive shoes and say, it broke.

And she'd take a pair of, like when you went to her house, she had rooms filled of three of all shoes. That's a dream come true. She was 21 years old at the time. But everything they got that was really worth it, it was damaged. And they'd send her another box.

And no, don't send it back. We don't care, throw it away. and she would take a pair of shoes home. She had been there since high school, like as a stock clerk, and just went through the ranks. And when she got out of high school, they said, listen, being the assistant manager, two years in, the chick quit to go somewhere else, she took over.

So beside the bank cards we were getting, we were also getting cards of people who were getting hit and you had to move the cards fast. So I would take them to her to see if they were stolen. Before I went out in the loose and the mall where she worked at, I would take the card to her first. If the card was good, the first thing we had to have to do was buy her a pair of shoes.

We'd buy her a dress, a pair of shoes from the joint. Then we'd walk through them. She'd walk me through the mall. She knew everybody at the mall that was on this. So they would say the same thing. Buy a pair. Get what you want. By the way, I'm going to ring 50 extra,

and I'm going to take 50 cash from me. So everybody was getting paid. There was nobody getting upset. when the cops come nobody knows nothing I don't remember what the guy looked like he was fucking I don't know he's banish and that's it end the fucking story

you know they have to send investigators after you to see uncontrolled like they call it something irregular business at you a lot of prevention or something yeah because a lot of times Vicki Pezzas is in on it too Vicki Pezzell will say wait whoa whoa wait

so let's pretend you come in here once or we can buy something but I don't sell it to you. You just ring my register and you buy whatever the fuck you want, but I keep the product. Right. You know what I'm saying?

You do that once a month. After three months, American Express is going to come in there and go, there's a lot of regular fucking activity coming out of your goddamn store. It's so weird the shit you learn growing up in Jersey. Like,

you wouldn't learn this dumb. This is the most stupid information that have in your brain, but it's great to have. Just like scams. But it makes me more careful. Like it makes me more careful. It makes me more careful now.

It makes me more careful with my wife. Like, I have one credit card for a computer. You want to rob that credit card? Be my fucking guest. You know what I'm saying? Knock yourself out. It's the people who use a lot of credit cards. Like, I think now about what's going on.

I don't know what's going on. But, man, there's a lot of fucking kinky shit on the computer. There's tons of kinky people trying to get you. They'll get you. Yeah. They duplicate your bank info. and your bank logo and they email you and while you're doing it,

you know something's not right. You're like, what the fuck? What are you talking about? Log on to this and you log on to that. They want everything. You're like, this is too much. These people are fucking scams, you know? Those fucking Africans that take your money

that you adopt the 30 million, that's the oldest scam in the book and people still buying into that shit. Like, I've seen news segments and shit where it's like the people that got scammed by like Nigerian prince-esque thing. And it dumb founds me that any would, this day and age, what is it, this got to be like 20 years now of the old Nigerian print scam, right?

I get three fucking ones a week from just the weirdest shit that if you can't tell they're a scam, you have to shoot yourself. Like now I know. Like you almost deserve to be robbed. Right. Like now I know how they even come, so I just don't even open them. Right. Like now you know what it says in the heading.

how they try to trick you, but not really. It's not like they're like, you inherited a million dollars. They don't say that no more. They say something like, into the account of Mr. Diaz, we have a discussion with you about an urgent matter.

At first, I was checking them because I don't know what my ex-wife is doing. She's putting voodoo on me, or she's got tapes from me, fucking robin credit card to the motherfucker in San Francisco. Do you ever get one email that is allegedly

from someone you know in real life where it's like, you know, oh, hey, you know, hey, you know, it's Joey Diaz. I'm in England. I lost my passport. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it'll be like a whole story.

I'm like, delete, bitch. But it's like, you'll know the person, like, really, they just tweeted for like Starbucks. Deli, if they're my friend, they call me up. Right, right. Fuck you. This tale, this wild tale. It is.

I had an email. from a friend of mine that asked me to buy steroids and I read it that morning I'm like what the fuck is he talking about I had to call him up and go what the because I'm sorry I got hacked he's into steroids they went into his account oh because they read your shit first to try to make it believable to try to make it believable Jesus Christ their method acting yeah they met that they read your shit first then they try to make it believable and then you fall for you're like what are you talking about let me call Joey. Then you're like, somebody just sent me an email

saying, Joey, send me $5,000 right down. I'm like, about you. I got one. I was trying to find it. I can't. I must have deleted it. Some guy was like, one of those African princes one, but saying I was a fan of your podcast. And I was like, I was so excited.

And what did he say? I said, that he needed money. Like, I haven't, I haven't I was so dumbfounded. I just deleted it. But I was like, what is happening? They might have money that was for you. It was, it was. of those two. You have to pay a small fee to get it out. Listen, man, this is how they do it. If they send out 100 of those emails, two people are going to go for it. What about the one

that I saw on 60 minutes? That one is even more interesting. You get a call from, and there's somebody from the IRS saying that you owe back taxes, and if you don't pay it within 24 hours, they're going to come over there and arrest you in front of your children and shit. That happened to my mother-in-law. She got one of the calls. I got it too. I got one to, right? Really? The first year, I couldn't pay my taxes in full. And I was pay. I was like, they said contact your attorney and I was like, I don't have an attorney and I was real nervous, but then my mom I could just see this fucking mom. Oh my God, I was petrified. It was the first time I set up a payment. I was like I set a payment plan. They can't do this to me and then I looked it up and they said that like they'll never call you They'll never do that. Yeah, so I calmed down, but it was like a scary half at this point in life

and you hate to say this because you don't want to be negative towards people, but at this point in life, if you fall for one of those fucking scams, you should be shot and hung. You should be ashamed of yourself. Any phone scam, like shit like that, you know, it's so weird that when I first started dating my wife, we were going somewhere one day, and my wife's a really sweet girl, you know, she's not Jersey tough or nothing.

She'll tell me to look at that picture. on the wall or something you know and I could goof on it but I don't that's her world and I respect it and I love being with her you know and I know there's something about her I noticed that when homeless people and shit would talk to her she would just keep walking straight so that made me like her even more because she's that nice that'll help you out but she just didn't go for it she just did not fucking go for it you know and I asked her once I go you I mean you don't even break and she goes you know I don't talk to nobody on the street.

I learned the lesson a long time ago. You want to stand. It's really true. You don't need to talk to nobody. Nobody. Like, you just keep fucking walking. Unless they come up to you and you see the blood and the hole from the gunshot, I can't help you. I don't know nothing.

Let's walk down this alley. Let's do this. Listen, I don't know nothing. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. No oblo. No oblo. No oblo.

No oblo. And you just keep fucking yelling and run the fuck away. You know, you don't even stop. Like there's no stopping because they some way or another they involve your feelings. They've been doing this all day. They do this dirty times a day. They're going to get one person. There used to be people like in North Jersey like, you know the White Castle in Nork?

I don't know if you ever. I don't think I ever went to that particular one. There's a white castle. It was just, it was so close to Belville. The convenience of it outweighed the, you know, it's not the. best area of town. And I would be a teenager in my in my neon like that was my first car was like a neon like this fucking oh it was so shitty. So you would know going to this white castle like in the in your car in the drive through there's going to be a dude. There's going to be a dude who's

going to linger all day in between where you order and where you pick up the food. So even as as like an 18 year old girl who if my oh my god if my parents knew like what you know but you drive around Newark like this is this what you do so it's like I would have to know if I'm going to go to that white castle all right if the meal's like five dollars really I'll need like seven or eight because I know I pretty much have to pay off this guy to not get any shit while I'm getting my food that was just a part of thing sometimes how sad is that it isn't it how sad is that sometimes I'll pull up to a 7-11 I'll stay in my car and get the fuck out of that because there's not one homeless dude there's five of them and you know what man they're all able I got a heart I really get it I was

that guy fucking 15 years ago but I figured out how to get a fucking suit and get a briefcase and walk into buildings and rob penny change or whatever the fuck it was right but to stand out there as a young male adult and this was the story it was like it was and it was always the same story because I go there all the time I'm with my I have my three nephews are inside we ran out of gas my car's here. Like, it was the same story every fucking time you went to that White Castle. And then, like, there'd be, like, liquor stores where there's a guy, like, a lot

of the businesses, like, would have the dude and it'd always be the same dude every time with the same variation of this original tale that's happening in that moment. They were running that scam on Burbank in Lancasham. I saw them running two times in two months, and it was hilarious.

Because she came up to me the second time also. And I wish that you would look at me and look at my face and go, you know what, that guy's heard a few fucking stories. I'm not going to go up to him with that story. I'm going to either fucking blow him or give him a good fucking story, but she came

up to me with the kids in the truck and the husband and he had to fill it up because they were trying to get out of town. And something didn't, it wasn't right. You know what, I got an ATM card. I just filled up my car. I can't help you. And then I went there a month later at the

same time. I wasn't even going in there. I drove by, but I recognized the truck. And again, she was looking for money, you know. Have you ever seen that guy on Woodman right off the 101? He always wears like a full denim outfit, and he has a sign that he's like, his house is going to be foreclosed on. He's been there for like three years. So what's a nickel going to fucking do for you?

I don't know. Your foreclosure, you haven't paid your rent in 90 fucking days, plus bank fees and shit. And you're out here getting nickel. I ain't giving you a dick, cocksucker. You should have planned the head. You should have planned ahead, you fuck. And no, bro, I got a lot of heart, man. I donate a lot of shit.

And I try to help people out. But four young dudes, not even. I'm 53. I can't pick up a brick no more. I'm talking about four young men. There's that thing. Larry even went to that thing last week. He worked for one of the fucking committees or some shit.

But there's still that thing where you go and you shape up and you have to do shit work. But it's fucking work. It's better than staying in front of the fucking 7-Eleven. They were tating people. Then there's that lady who goes to the 7-Eleven where I pulled up with the headlights and she gave me the finger and told me to go fuck myself. And then Lee, I go, Lee, give her a dollar. She wouldn't take it from Lee.

She wouldn't take it. She's in like a wheelchair that you have to, like, blow to keep moving. Oh, my God. It's like the worst thing you've ever seen. It is the saddest fucking thing. The 7-Eleven in my area is, I got to do a documentary. I got to show people The one on fucking Magnolia

and Tunga They're gonna kill somebody in there Like you don't need to be a fortune teller You don't need to be a Swami Just go in there 11 o'clock Liam and I go to all of them The best one is the one where we go late night And we stand outside and talk

But there's a Chinese sushi place Two doors down that stinks like shit You stand there and it's that old fish heads And fucking Oh God Oh, and the wind's blowing off the 170. And you're trying to eat our fucking piece of chips. We usually go get chips, diet soda, and we talk shit for 15 minutes.

But it's down the block from the cop station. So there's no action in there. I've never gone in there. There's no disrespect at all. The owners are in the daytime. They're very nice. And whatever, they're ISIS. But they're nice ISIS.

They don't bother nobody. These two guys are great. The one guy's very good looking. Nisisis. Yeah, they're nicest, ISIS. The one guy's very good looking. He has a hairdo. He's always on top of it.

They're always on the phone. All three of those guys that rotate on Burbank and Colfax and gentlemen, then you take that party to Laurel Canyon and Chandler. That's ISIS. They even killed somebody there already. Oh, my God. A homeless guy stabbed the owner with a bottle. Where there's blood, there's blood.

I'm telling you, you go in there at night. I took Lee in there. They had the music blasting. They don't make eye contact. contact, there's not one 7-11 that you go on to, that they have, oh, yeah, blasting, blasting. I think someone must have complained because I've been trying to go. I went in last night at like 10.30 it wasn't on.

No, but at night they all have the head gear. In the daytime, they don't have the head gear. At night, they bust out the helmets. They're ready for fucking war in there, Jack. And this one over here is getting really fucked up. The one on Magnolia and Tohunga is my favorite. They used to be a Mexican woman in the daytime, Maria. She lived down the block from me.

I like Maria. She's got a nice kid. Everybody's decent. How far did you get into her life? I don't fuck around with people. I got a personal relationship with my 7-Eleven. You understand me? I'm loyal.

How many times I got to tell you that shit? Whatever happened to the Indian bodybuilder? Remember him? Yeah. Do you remember him? We had that guy under control, Vicki Peza. They shipped them out when ISIS came in. No.

That was a brand new training camp. We got a lot. Remember, you've gotten in there with me at night. There's an old guy in there. Oh, yeah, with the beard. That guy. Is he ISIS-Ling? He's the leader because, yeah, I think he has, like, the little,

he has different color-coding on his beard sometimes. Yep. Yep. Yep. Does that mean something? I'm not fucking with you guys. I wouldn't lie to anybody about this shit. I've made little observations.

The Indian guy that was there before was a bodybuilder that started doing steroids. Okay. A little fucking. and a little ISIS dude, but he was a sweetheart. I could go in there when there was dirty people online with Lee, and I make eye contact with him. Give me a crap. And before he went to put the hot dog on the bun,

he would stop and fucking pose for me. Oh, I had him under control. Look at the oil, look at the air, control out. I had him under control that poor little fucking dude. And one day him and his whole crew disappeared. So wait a minute. What are you suggesting here? You're suggesting that they got big and buff?

No, there was only one guy that got big and buff. And I heard they sent them all to Venice. That whole crew got sent to Venice. And they came in with a new crew, and the crew chief leader at Magnolia and Tunga is definitely ISIS. Okay, he's definitely ISIS. I don't know about his little minions over there. They're very nice there.

The traffic they get there is very bad. Down the block is a bus station. It's a bus station and then like And then across the street there's a park And people live in RVs And in the middle of the night People live in the park The cops shake that park down every night

But you could rambo that motherfucker Put a blanket over your head and shit With grass on it And you get away with it They think it's like a grass pile But they come out of that fucking thing There's a night type been in there And people have gone in there

Fucking shoplifted And showed it to the dudes and run out And they're like what are we going to do We're not going to chase this poor kid We're not going to get nowhere We're just going to get a line. And what we're going to do, chase them and get beat up by four guys. And then they'll call the cops, and the cops come, and they'll check the cameras,

and they'll check for them in the area. But that takes three fucking hours, you know. But I've been in there with some, wow. I remember that's where the hooker was. The hooker we tortured that I tortured for like a year. Yeah. She disappeared. It's weird.

It's a weird. That's a weird 7-Eleven. That's a weird 7-Eleven. So the one on Chandler, they already stabbed the owner. He's dead. At 11 and the fucking. morning it was closed for two weeks they had to close Laurel Canyon the 7-11 on Laurel Canyon and Chandler I knew two years ago was I says because I used to go in

there before I went to the store and I'm like I've been to a lot of 7-Elevens in my day this one's a little fucked-up they don't treat you right they don't make eye contact they're always on the phone yelling and fucking and then they're fucking just giving you a change they don't say thank you they don't offer you a bag they're just fucking rude but I like the other one because we had the one Hindu under control in there he was bodybuilding so I chose that one but the one by

Burbank like I said is next to the police station but it's down the block from that C grade sushi I ate there three times and I made it I never went back there again one night in the middle of night I had cold shakes and I woke up and I go I ate that three times and then get sick I ain't going back there again it's like a three item lunch thing the filly roll wasn't bad but you could tell the salmon

either was a week old It was right before they fucking go bad, but it wasn't bad. Right on the cusp, teetering. It's if you want, they gave you a chicken cut. It fried and something. I don't know when I was fried. I know I got a pimple on my nose the next fucking day in the middle of the afternoon and shit.

My 7-Eleven is so much different than you guys in Simi Valley. Can I tell you about, like, just... How nice is it? My biggest problem was during the day shift, And I'm usually a nighttime person. I'm usually like midnight to in the morning 7-11. And that's always the guy in the Bluetooth. But during the day, sometimes there was like an overly friendly cashier where I was like,

I don't know if I could handle all this small talk. I was just going to say Joey's very friendly. You and I are both kind of like loners. And I knew it when you said he's the guy with the Bluetooth. Joey knows it's Maria with the kid who plays baseball. Right, right. And we're like, it's the guy in the Bluetooth. I like him.

He doesn't talk to me and bother me when I'm eating my snacks. This is how I wanted to go. I go up to the register. I'm going to ask for Marlabelite 100's two packs. They already know it. Like, we have that relationship. Hi, how are you doing? Facial recognition.

Nice. Nice relationship. But there was one guy who would take it to a level that it was kind of weird. He was kind of like young, nerdy looking white guy. White dude? Yeah. Okay. But the only white dude that worked there at all.

Right. They got to have a fucking, they got to have like whatever they call it. Yeah. What's that when they had black people? Token. No. The token white. You know when they...

Oh, affirmative action? Yeah, they got a affirmative action. We got to hire a white dude or a Mexican from the time to time. You know? They always look for a Mexican with a beer. Hi, how are you today? Yeah, they look for a Mexican that can pass as an Arab. They make them get a beer.

Come back when you got a beer. Be like you. Have you considered a turban? That was my biggest 7-Eleven problem. This young white man is too nice. I don't know if I could keep this up. How nice is Simi Valley? Every time I come up and see you, I would love to live in Simi Valley.

I love living in Simi Valley. I love it. It's, it's, nothing happens. Perfect. I want something to happen. I drive down the 118 for 10 minutes on a trafficless freeway. And boom, I'm in L.A. And then I'm in the mix of everybody else.

I love Simi Valley. Is that lame? No. I feel like I've lost my edge. Simi Valley is where the cops live. They beat up those black people. They call it the racist. Talk about that.

I didn't want to bring that up. Are they still up there? Well, did you guys watch the People versus O.J. Simpson when it was on? Oh, my God. It was like the worst PR for Simi Valley ever. They kept bringing it up. The one guy in the one scene was like, I live in Simi Valley, and I love it. Like, everyone was glaring at him, and I'm like, do we live in a racist town?

I didn't know. My cousin and her husband live in Sima Valley, and they have a very nice house. He's a cop, a highway patrol. Okay. And he said that his whole block are cops. It's a whole block. Like his captain's down the block. His lieutenant's three blocks away.

You know, I never even knew about it. So the OJ thing, that the Seamy Valley. But I like any of those places. You know, I'm always scared that if I move there, then I get a job in Hollywood and how to drive every day. Right, yeah. That's what you're scared of. Right.

I love to live in Simi Valley if I had a stay in Simi Valley. It's like I love living in the Valley. if I don't have to go over that fucking hill for anything. Once I got to go over the hill, I start getting a little ratty that night before. Unless it's for something I really want to do. But if it's for something stupid, I ain't going anymore. Like, I am over that drive.

It's so. I am over that drive. People do not understand. It's like when I go to Jersey. I love New Jersey. I love New Jersey with all my heart. I had a lot of fun in New Jersey and a lot of great memories. Like, when I moved out of here,

like New Jersey was not on the map. Like, I still remember 1997 talking to this girl that was going to type up my resume and bio and get everything together for me on the computer for $250. And what she was was a PR girl that worked for a firm on Wilshire Boulevard, and she dated a comedian. This has to be close to 20 years ago. And I'll never forget this. We're in her house. My friends there were smoking pot. She's typing.

Like, she was great at all that stuff. And I remember her coming over to me like I had cancer. And she goes, can I talk to you about something? We shouldn't put New Jersey on there. And I go, why not? She goes, New Jersey is saying so small. She goes, where did you grow up? I go, well, we came from Cuba.

We lived on 205 West Day. She goes, leave her right there. Say New York City. Yeah. So, you know me, dog. You're going to put New York City on something? I take it. Well, at that point.

I'm just trying to get work guys. Right. So if they wanted to be New York, so be it. Fine. But you know what that fucking girl put on there? Hell's Kitchen. And that resume went everywhere. And one of my friends got a hold of that resume

and called me from New Jersey. He was, hey, man, I got a problem here. He goes, I saw somewhere. I really, until this. I still talk to him. I still talk to him a lot, once a week, twice a week. And he said to me, hey, man, I saw that, that hell's kitchen.

What the fuck are they talking about? I remember saying it to him, like the publicity, this publicity lady said not to put New Jersey. Once the soprano's hit, then it was all over. Then it was cool to be from Jersey. Everybody asked your stupid fucking creepy questions about New Jersey. If you were from Jersey, everybody assumed you were in the mafia, your uncle was in the mafia. It was so weird how one TV show, even though Springsteen has always publicized, he's from Jersey. And I thought about it years later.

I'm like, she cannot, he's not around no more. He tapped out. So she was probably a bum too. And I always think about what that fucking mutter's doing. Like I thought about it years later. I go, wait a second. Bon Jovi at that time, publicized he was from Jersey. Everybody knows fucking the chairman of the motherfucking board is from fucking Jersey.

And motherfucking Springsteen's from Jersey, okay? So what the fuck are you talking about? She's probably living in Jersey now. She's probably living in Jersey now. Fucking, who the hell knows? But it's so weird how the Jersey image has changed in 10 years. Like now it's hip to be. You know, I heard they built up Red Bank.

Red Bank's really nice. I was just going to mention Red Bank because I was there. Yeah, it is. The whole old Main Street and everything. Or Broad Street. Is that what it is in Red Bank? I heard they wanted to turn it into a place so people didn't have to go into the city. Well, good luck with that.

Yeah, no, like shit like that, entertainment. Yeah. I heard they were going to build film studios out there, and just a lot. Every time I go to New Jersey, it changed so much over the years. And my sadness is that I go to Jersey for three days, like one of the times I took a train, which in my world, I thought it was a blast. I've always liked that train from down the shore to either Hoboken, and then you switch and go to Grand Central or I don't know. how it really works anymore but I would take that train all the time into the city it went from fucking root exit 17 my buddy lived on Nolan Road I would walk to the corner and he would drop me

you know something where you couldn't walk to the train tent and the fucking buses would come all the time there in trains there were trains every 15 minutes man and you just got on the train did you get the ticket and then go on the train then the guy puts the hole in it No, no. That's that train there. They still have that in Boston. It's called the commuter rail. It's like an actual train.

It goes all around the state. That was fun. Oh, it's great. To me, that's fun. I don't trust this train system. It's not bad. I don't know why. The Red Line is not bad.

It isn't fucking bad. With the one here, the Metro? Yeah, I don't trust the fucking earthquake value. And I don't trust the train in New York anymore. A bomb under there? You're fucking done, Jack. If you're on 49- if you're on 72nd Street, you're working for the train and that bomb goes off on 86,

you're getting done. This train I never trust, I never feel hunky dory. You know, I grew up in the old trains with graffiti and people getting stabbed on the train. The best was every train you get out in those days in the 80s, the train would open, people would empty. Lee, listen to me, you're gonna love this, Lee. On demand.

This was on demand every time you took the train, you saw this guy twice a day. The train would open, empty would train out. The new people get back on the train. The door's closed. The guy goes, keep your hands away from the door because they're about to close. Right after that word,

you'd hear the front door open, like that door in the front, that somebody comes walking and some guy would come walking in. And he'd go, excuse me, excuse me. I need your attention. gentlemen i'm put a hat on the floor but let me say what's going on in my life right now he would fucking go into this speech about he had cancer he had HIV i got a tumor i got a fungi toe i got

liver disease all of it all of this shit oh no and he would sit there with a hat and nobody would give him a fucking nothing and then he would go to the next train and the door wouldn't close and you'd hear him doing the same fucking speech in there and and much like the foreclosure that you mentioned earlier. This is another what's a nickel going to do situation. For sure. I don't know anymore. Like I said, I'm very generous. I know who's bullshitting me. You know who's

bullshit in your life. Sometimes you don't even give a fuck. You just go, you know what? Give this guy a dollar. He's out here by himself. It's cold. Whatever the fuck. Like the ones I saw today. I went to 7-Eleven today. There was a dude with a Dodger hat standing there asking for donations.

Then there was three of them by the fucking tank, by the gas tank. and they'd yell over at you. Hey, give me a fucking dog. Like, hey, you got a quarter of this, man? I got a whole fucking cup of change in the middle of my glove compartment there, that little thing. I will give you if you ask me the right way. If you walk up to me like a man and go, listen, I haven't eaten in fucking three days.

Look at me. Can you help me out? I'm trying to get a job. I don't have a job. I'll help you out, man. It's those guys that are just waiting there, and they get 10 nickels, and they figure out how smoke crack and they go into a hole and it's on me like I'm supposed to fucking feel bad because I don't give them a dollar fuck them fuck them motherfuckers I

learned when I lived in Boston that you can't you have to like kind of a scale the area out and you can't do it if like you're gonna see them every day because I made that mistake once I got off at the same train stop every day for three years and you give it and you gave it to one guy yeah it was it for like a few weeks and I was like god I got off at a different stop for a couple of days just like like to lose them lose them yeah they're great in boston there's one guy who yells all day and like he yells with a horse voice anybody got any spare change he just walks up and down fuck you there's there's a woman in cambridge who like the irs is going after because she made

over a hundred grand manhandling what that's more money than i made listen man if you slick it up you can make a lot of money if you slick it up and attack prime time on the train or bus in the morning you can make a lot of money it was a guy 30 years ago that would dress up in a suit and walk up and down time square and say excuse me sir I just got mugged can I get ten dollars to get home and everybody would give them 10 20 30 dollars because he had a suit on different game clean shame and nice hair manicured I just been wrong I don't know what to do the cops can't help me I have no money to get home I live in Long Island all I need to do is I get $10 for me he would

started eight in a fucking morning, 7.30. That's a good one. That's a good one. By lunchtime, three, four, fucking hundred. Six days a week, that's 2400. That's close to 10 G's a fucking month. Jesus. And he would switch it up from Grand Central to

Times Square to other parks. Yeah, you can't have, you can't have the same commuters seeing you. I remember 2020 had him on and he would wear nice suits and nice hair and just, just listen man, like I said, I'll help anybody. I had that guy close to my house the black dude that was a genius wouldn't take my money

Wouldn't take my money I asked him ten times please take this 20 get something to drink it's 90 degrees No brother I'm fine he would go over if you ever drive on Chandler now and there's a bridge you ever see that bridge Lee we see it all time And there's graffiti and there's always somebody on the other they're jerking off They're like a 13 year old in the back moaning and they're jerking off in the front seat there but nobody ever stops there By that wall there, there's a fence. And he lives down there. He goes behind that fence. And he stood up like a compartment.

Cops don't bother him. Nothing. And he gets exercised there. It's amazing. And it's his. And nobody fucks at this black dude. And he made it so he could push a shopping cart back there. And he's got like hubcaps and books in there, magazines.

And somebody gave him like a thing to watch movies on. It's pretty brilliant. I respect those guys. Yeah. And I offered him money a couple times. I would take the baby on a stroll and I'd see him and talk to him. And he told me what he used to do. He had a family and shit.

He wasn't drunk. He was coherent. Wow. I dropped off clothes one time. I went there two days later. It was gone. You know, so he took the clothes and stuff. I've always wanted to talk to some of those people who live in the RVs because I've never seen that before.

I've seen homeless people. It's terrible. But I feel like that's a different. There's a different. Yeah, but those RV people are not homeless by choice. Exactly. I guarantee they're having a great time. Yeah.

I had a girlfriend who had an RV dog. One day this bitch told me, I'm getting an RV. There's an RV camp where Henry Hill used to live in Seattle, rent in, Renton, Washington. This place was tremendous, guys. It was like 100 a week. To park the RV? You took showers inside. There was a pool.

There was a weightlifting thing. There was a dry cleaner. There was a restaurant. There was a movie theater. Are you fucking crazy? There was a post office. There was a bank. There was a whole world in there.

A whole little community. A whole RV community. And you backed in your RV. They had different spots. If you want to be close to the fucking all the mall, or if you want to be 50 yards away or 100 yards away, I was a comic. You know, I didn't have any money.

I had a car, but all I did was do comedy then. And she asked me, she goes, if you could behave yourself, you can live here, let's not coke and shit. So I said, ah, let's give it a try. It was a great two or three months we had up there. It was great. I'd wake up in the morning, jump in the pool. Yeah.

We'd get out. There were steam bats. They had a sauna. You had, like, the fucking shampoo in there. You could shave. And then you fucking went to the restaurant. You had breakfast. They had two eggs baking.

Nice. I mean, league. fucking nice I'm telling you that sounds like fun but these people are like living right they well listen that's a party over there Lee that's a party over there because okay so

I don't know if they're homeless necessarily because I remember I used to do kettlebells over there right yeah and I would drive by and it's the same people every day that just move it there and some people are out some people park it there and go to a job I think

yeah I think Some people will just live there, but like, and it gets you incredibly. And then they get back there. Remember, they can leave it there to hotel at night. Then they have to move it somewhere. You go there right now. There's no, there's nothing there. Really?

You have to, by law. Go there right now. On the way home, go that way. You can't park up by the park no more at night. I don't know. By the residential area, you can park, but no, those trailers got to move at night, Jimmy boy. You can park in Walmart, right?

Isn't that like a thing? Walmart lets you park RV. Anything. I think people talk about it when you're driving cross-country to park, Walmart parking a lot to put. Only right now you get divorced. You lose your house. You know? You don't really know what you want to do.

You look at the paper. There's an RV for sale for fucking 10 grand that you could, that's ready to go. The engine's fucking strong. It's got air conditioning. It's got direct TV. I'm already sold. Listen to me. Yeah, you know, and you go, you know what, let me give this a shot.

And you know what, Lee? I got to tell you something. You can put a lot of money away if you could do it for three years and figure out the ins and out how to cook, have a friend that cooks. You can sleep there two nights a week. You sleep in your RV. You got TV. But it's half to have air conditioning.

Like Kate, when Kate Quigley came on, she had an idea. She goes, I want to move to the beach by myself. You're going to get stabbed and fucking raped. Don't take a fucking genius to tell you that. But, you know, if you guys, whatever, you didn't want to work and you wanted to try something, it's not a bad fucking life for six months, man. I think I could do it for a short amount of time. They have kitchens.

Listen, you're not going to cook Manigot and fucking steak pizza at all and fucking the meal of the seven dishes Christmas Eve. You can eat up some chicken, though. You can make food, you can bring cold cuts in. Grill cheese. You can make zes. you can make salads you can make protein shakes you have to get a generator you know it's not a bad life for like i said i did it and i'm a fucking picky fuck it wasn't bad because of the situation we had the one where you could take showers in there i mean yeah you have eight minutes to

take a fucking shower but that where you were parking it seems amazing yeah fuck those showers No, I know. We didn't use those showers, but listen, man, you know, a couple years ago, people lost their homes foreclosure with all that shit that went down with mortgages. That was the easiest way out to get an RV. You know, and you know what Felicia lives down there? Right, yeah. If you keep going down and you make a right, you'll see five or six of them over there at night. There's spots all around here that you pull up with your RV, you keep your mouth shut. you bring a sandwich

and you watch your TV, you go to bed nobody says nothing to you but you can't be at that park did you see that on the East Coast I didn't I don't remember it I was too young and I didn't look for it and I didn't really

That's awful that also could be true that I didn't notice it No I didn't really know I mean there were I remember there being Mobile homes trailer parks things like that But no I don't remember A ton of RV I know my brother lives in an RV that they just made into a home. You know those things?

Yes. You lives in Delaware. Well, they get an RV. They put two of them together. They weld them. Yes. They get a good toilet system. Like, it's a good toilet system.

They give you a backyard. They give you a fucking front steps. They give you a... I don't know if they give you a garage. And it's an RV that's designed to be a home. And that wasn't bad. I went to visit my brother. That wasn't bad.

They had a pool. back couldn't be that fucking bad you know yeah i want a pool so fucking bad like to me to have a pool in-ground pool that would be the ultimate the ultimate thing i want a big ground pool really yeah yeah just a big ground pool i mean we like we have we rent a house that i don't own the house but it's a nice house and i've been there a lot of years um i always say like i never ever want to leave this house but the truth is if another house came along to have an in-ground pool in the backyard to me it's like Oh, that's it. Would you swim every day?

In my head, I think I'd swim every day. Whether I would actually go through with that, I don't know, but I would love to, yeah, in my head, I go out in the morning, smoke a cigarette, go in the pool, maybe just hang by the pool, maybe type by the pool, do my work by the pool. I'm nice would it be to get up, drink a cup of coffee, go on social media, do all your work on social media, go outside, smoke a joint, finish a cup of coffee. jump in the motherfucking pool once you got some momentum before breakfast do 10 laps is it heated or not huh is it a heated war yes yes in this fantasy it's absolutely when you wake up you press the button

and you give it 45 minutes you jump in that motherfucker you do 10 20 laps brother you get out you run right into the shower you wash your monkey you put your clothes on you eat breakfast and you fucking go out in the world like a savage you just did 20 fucking laps in the pool you just did 20 fucking laps in a pool You know, you started your morning with an hour in the pool, you know. Your body's on fire. How great would it be? Yeah, I like pools, too. We have a pool, but they shut it down.

We still got a yard, but the pool is done, you know. I mean, it would have been a lot more fucking dough if I got a pool. I don't need no fucking pool. Right, right. If I ever get enough money to buy a house, I love a pool. A nice lap pool with, you know. Felicia Michaels has a tremendous pool. Oh, really?

And they've gotten it maybe five times. Oh, no. Heated, long for laps, a jacuzzi in the back. Oh, my God. When it's in front of you, it's amazing how, okay, you can buy swings for your child. Right. And they have a horse in the back and a fucking tree house. Don't do it three or four times and they don't neglect it.

They go to some other kid's house. You can't get them out of the fucking tree house, you know? Right. You can't get them off the fucking swings. You got a swing in your. backyard that's the problem with that stuff right once you have it you just go ah okay I have a pool been there done that even when you're like would you swim every day and it's like well I imagine are you a swim day um I mean no not especially I just I love to swim I like going in the ocean oh yeah

yeah yeah yeah let me tell you some you jump in the pool in the morning before I got locked up a buddy of my network that UPS was like yeah I go how do you stay so fucking yoke and he goes I got three kids I can't I let I got time to lift twice a week for 30 minutes I got to do it when my kids are in the shower or something he said and he goes but the rest of the time I would swim and he talked me into going a master's room program and I'll tell you jump in the pool first thing in the morning there's a thousand things you could do first thing in the morning I mean getting up getting a protein shake smoking a little tuts a luts I would ride my bike there because it was four blocks away I knew how to get there without even messing with cars, you know.

So I'd get my blood going a little bit that way. I'd get in, take my shorts off. I'd have a fucking bikini on already. And you jump in and she'd blow a whistle and make you do laps or pulls or just kicks. And when you got out of that pool, your body feels completely fucking different. I would love to have a heated pool now where I could go in there at 7 to 7.45 to short. Because I was doing it, the YMCA and Wellington Hollywood. They got the big pool, which is cold.

But they got the heated pool in the back. That's 90 degrees, and it's empty at 6. So I would go steam, sauna, and then jump in that, motherfucker, and do 30 minutes, and then go back. Steam, sauna, throw some echolibletic. Epileptical? No. Eucalyptics. Oh, eucalyptus.

I would go to fucking the health food stores and buy a container eucalyptus. Oh, shit. And I would sneak it into the YMC game, put it on the pipes. and just sit there and breathe and fucking, it was tremendous. I love all that shit. If anything I wish I had now, I wish I had a steam.

Wow. Like I fits, like that I could go in there and put hot water and get the top layer of fucking bullshit out of your skin every morning. I wish I had one of those. I like those. And if it's yours, you can go in their balls ass to make it with ass sweat and burn the hemorrhoids off your mind. muffly just sit in the fucking ball like grill it like I grilled my hemorrhoid and shit

you're supposed to get the steam from we're gonna sit on your it's a figure speed it's a finger fucking speech the other thing I always wanted and I finally got was a pool table we finally like have a pool table in our house where like you'd leave into my house you know the dining room or what should be a dining room is now the pool table yeah that's fucking, it's like, oh, but we won't have a dining room. Fuck it. Who cares? Everything's gone. Pool table now takes up everything.

I just took out my dining room table. My mom thought I was crazy. I was like, I've sat on it like twice. Never used it. Like, why am I going to have a table? I'm just going to sit. We're going to watch TV anyways. And by dining room table, by dining room table, I mean a six foot folding table from Home Depot with like a tablecloth over it. By dining room table, I mean a $70 table from IKEA that wasn't an unfinished wood. Right.

In our apartment. It wasn't a huge loss. Yeah, no. It's so weird, guys. I got to make a confession to you guys. Okay, when me and Terry got together, we had the one-bedroom apartment. There was really no kitchen. So we ate in the living room like savages.

We always kept saying when we move into the next place, we got to have a little living. And then we moved into the valley. And again, we had the kitchen and there was a living room, but there was really no space to break it up into a mock dining room. One of the best things about this place, that we moved into is we have a mock dining room and I'm about to tell you guys something we moved in there September 1st and since September 1st I make it a point that we sit at the table mercy says prayers and we eat whether it's breakfast lunch or dinner tonight we had two side bread hot dogs that's it two side bread hot dogs we went who ate the baby we went to

Disney store and we fucked around and then we came home and my wife goes I feel bad and I'll have dinner I go I'll make a protein show she goes I got a sabrette hot dog for you they got them now so she made me two sad brett she cut up some onions with some fucking mustard and even that we sat down and mercy said prayers and then we ate because she goes to the catholic school not a Catholic school but a Christian school they don't say our father what now what's the Catholic one bless us our lord but we are about to eat from your bounty from Christ our Lord amen We don't say that one. We say something else.

They don't do the sign of the cross, but I do. I always dread, you know, that's the way I was raised. For years, my mother was a fucking nutcase and she drank and stuff, but there was one thing for sure at my home that kept the house together was, except for her, she could do it all the fuck she wanted. She'd eat standing up. But I was raised to sit down and eat, and it was just me and my mom and my stepdad, so I got kind of fucking bull. boring after a while and then things happening, you evolve. But even the homes I lived in after that,

I saw that people weren't respecting that anymore. You know, people think I'm a fucking dick because I don't work on Sundays. And way before the baby came, way before the baby came, I hated Sundays. I always, I liked

working comedy Sundays, but it got to a point when I met my wife that you left on Tuesday and you didn't come back to Monday morning. And I didn't mind being away. I'm trying to make a living, and I'm trying to become a better comic.

But Sunday, you sit there all day, watch football. At this time, I can be sitting with my girlfriend. We could be going on a farmer's market, or just, that's her time, you know? So at that point in my life, like 2003, I decided that I wasn't going to work Sundays no more, no matter what was going on.

And number two, that we were going to try to have a dinner and sit on Sundays, because that's the whole thing. that I think we're missing right now. Yeah. You know, even my fucked up upbringing on Sundays, we'd watch, like, Animal Kingdom and the wide world of Disney, and you watch that fucking dude that used to do this shit on Channel ABC on Sunday nights.

You know, it was just white people on the show going like this with that music, and they would sing quartets and shit. But that's what it meant to be an American to me when I came from Cuba at the time, was to watch those shows. That's how I became an American, you know, all mutual. Omaha was a show about animals on NBC that went on at six and at seven it was fucking wide world of Disney so you on Sunday nights you always sat with your family and was Disney well Disney don't give a fuck they replaced it with football so the gambling fucking addicts could get

their fucking fix on Sundays you know but that's one thing I've done since I moved into this home that we sit now we sit we like every night I go out here daddy Time for dinner. If I don't get up immediately, immediately, she runs in there. Daddy, time for dinner. Daddy, hurry up, we're going to eat dinner, Daddy. I just, I already know when they're doing it because I don't want to hear her. We sit down, we look at each other.

Every once in a while, she sticks her finger in the ketchup and licks, and I go, oh, whoa, you got to say fucking prayers, all right? She says her prayers, and we attack. And if I say attacks, she gets pissed. Like, if she says her prayers, and I go, attack, Daddy, don't say that. No yelling in the house. No, he yelling. Inside voice, Daddy. Yeah.

Oh, fucking hysterical. It's important. My mom, you met my mom last week. The amount of dinners I ate in the living room or the amount of dinners I hate watching TV as a kid, zero. We ate every meal at a table. We always ate at the table, too. Every meal. My dad worked night sometimes, so he wasn't there all the time.

But we never. We didn't have a TV on that floor. My mom hates TV. We did have a TV in our kitchen, though. A little black and white one, though. Like, that wasn't a thing at the time. You know what I'm going to turn the TV. We can't watch the TV when we're eating.

I'm going to turn it off from now and out of respect. As long as we put it back on for 6.30. I got to watch my fucking day. Oh, yeah, you can watch it after. I'm fucking ABC World News tonight. I want to hear that. I want to hear what that comedy fuck got to tell me, you know what I'm saying? Let me give some shoutouts real quick to you.

There's my fucking glasses got. How you feeling, dog? I'm pretty fucking high. I like it. I like it. I don't want to give you a fucking, I don't want to give you a Fagasy product. I want to thank my man Stephen

Uttzman from Texas. Listen to this, Bob Lillingerus. This motherfucker sent me a signed Hollywood Henderson poster. Are you fucking kidding me or what? The poster is so fucking bad, Bobby Lillings. the motherfucker framed. So I thank you, Leningis, for dropping two books on me about

Hollywood Anderson. And I want to thank my man Stephen Uttman from fucking the beautiful state of fucking Texas. God bless Texas. Cocksucker. I will be there Friday night, Houston, at the Come and Take It Festival. Go to come and take it. I don't know.com. I don't know. Fucking Google it. Do what you need to do. Friday night, 10 o'clock. You can get home from work, wash your monkey, shave it. Go to fuck it. fucking carobas, get a nice Italian dinner, and still catch Joey at fucking 10 o'clock. How's that for you? Come and take itcom.

Come and take it comedy.com. $35 for Friday night past. You got Todd Barry at 8 and you got Uncle Joey at 10. Who the fuck? That's 1750 apiece. What are you crazy or what? I'm giving you a nickel right off the course. Get those tickets right now Friday at 10.

But he's from the great state. How about J.R. Gomez? My man, John Cutler, and his beautiful wife. Amy, Lady J, Uki Spooky, my man Benito, Reverend Raymond, Shet Nogog, and Inward Journey.

I love you, cocksuckers. Stay black, and thank you for the support in the show and whatnot. How are you feeling, Lee? I'm feeling pretty good. I wasn't matter, Lee. I made you all nervous when I was...

I was doing the finger of debt, you know how to torture people. I ain't torturing you. You know how to make my heartbeat when I'm high. You can make your heart wheat when I'm not fucking hot. That's the secret that. What else is going on, Mickey? Tell me something I haven't heard.

Tell me some gossip. Who got hit by your car? What happened? Oh, I remember something I wanted to talk to you guys about because the last time, or one of the times I was on, we talked about weddings, like, in depth and how fucking insane and out of control weddings are. Listen to me.

Before you even started a fucking weddings out of days, just so you know. Uh-oh. Did I have you seen my face getting red just down nine one one I'll explain to you why Right now I'm in the verge I got a backache in September my brother Lenny I got a back ache and then we got I got the back of a Mexican you understand me You never seen a Mexican with a back brace or complain about back pain they just god gave him a good fucking back They got to jump a fence they got to got a you got a jump a fence you got to have a good back okay

So I hurt my back and I swear to God I think I think it was thinking about the special, sitting down that long, trying to write out the jokes. I've never really sat that long to write that long. But the third thing I was getting aggravated about is, I love her. She's my sister. But she's making all these plans for a wedding for me to fly back,

then go to rehearsal dinner with my family, my daughter, my wife, and then sat, I gotta walk her down the aisle, and all this comes out of Papa's pocket, like the three plane tickets, the fucking whole time. the fucking hotel, the rental car, and you're sitting there adding this up. This is New York City.

You're gonna New York City, you gotta have deep fucking pockets for three days. Even though my family enjoys it, and she'll enjoy it, my wife doesn't really wanna do it. Yeah. My wife feels it's too much of a commitment with people with, we know her, and we know her mother. We don't know anybody else at this wedding.

We'll just be sitting there like fucking targets, you know. And then we have the baby who gets car sick. They're doing the wedding in Garfield. Have you been at Garfield? Yes. fuck is it um it's nice right yeah it's pretty nice it's not it's a little bit down the parkway she's 45 you think she's 21 okay so i've always said it i have nothing against women there's a there's two things when women are completely you know you give a cosby pill

that's one way to get them under the fucking ether or when they're getting married or they're having a baby and i don't mean to disrespect women by no means i have every wrong right to say that I have a beautiful wife when I saw all the changes in her personality and then I started noticing other women's changes when a woman's about to get married or have a child. They get fucking delusional, okay? They get delusional in their own sense. With weddings, they get really delusional. I mean, she was telling me and my wife to our faces last year. Now, I wouldn't mind if she was 21 and she's my niece. Right, right, right, right. She's 46. She got glass. Is this her first marriage?

Yeah. Okay. She got registered at the Crystal place. Come on. You're not going to get a Svorsky Crystal for her room? I had my wife get her something, bro. High end. High end.

Get her something. But you could already see where this is. Number two, I don't have the time to just take three nights off. If I'm going to get on a plane for six hours, I want something out of it. To me, I'm so used to getting on a plane for six hours, but I got to perform. Yeah. I can't just commit to you.

Thursday's the church rehearsal. Friday's the rehearsal dinner at some fucking restaurant in middle New Jersey. And then Saturday is the wedding. I got to go to the wedding and the church. Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking crazy? I would never do Coke, but if I got to sit through that for three days, by Saturday, I'm on something.

I'm on Xanax's. I'm on fucking something. So what happened with your wedding? I just came, I came back from New Jersey because I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. Okay. And my sister, they're young. She was like 26, 27. I think the guy.

I get that. I get it. Right. They had just bought a house. They already own a house together in January. So it's like they've been engaged a few years, but, yeah, they're young. And this could have been, because this, you know, my brother-in-law now, like, his family, like, they've done big weddings for the daughters.

like this could have really been all out. They wanted to keep it kind of small, but still small. It's like a hundred people. You know what I mean? It's still a huge deal. So yeah, there was a lot of like events, like what you're talking about. And one of them was like the day of the rehearsal dinner.

We went axe throwing. They had a bunch of people go hatchet throwing. It was hatchet throwing at this place. Then you go do the rehearsal dinner. It was like such a huge to do. but I had to throw the bachelorette party and that's the story I wanted to tell on here I had to throw the bachelorette party in August

so I had to go home twice because I also had to do the bridal shower because I'm the maid of honor my mother really planned most of it but you know so it was me and two other girls in the bridal party and the girls are my brother-in-law sisters so my sister wants to go to Atlantic City

she wanted to stay at Brigada I came home I go to make a reservation of Brigada it's booked so now I'm panicking Because I'm not thinking it's August in New Jersey in Atlantic City on a Saturday night. So I fucking panic. And I think, well, I got to book the strip club now because I'm too fucking scared. If Borgadda's booked, what else is going to be booked? So I booked this place called Honkomania.

That's a mail review. And because I don't know who's going yet, I book it for a VIP booth for 12, for 12 girls. But I don't know how many are going to deliver for me. but I'm overbooking everything because that one booking was fucked. We got a room at resorts that I'm basically like, I hope we can all shove into one.

After I book all this shit, out of the two bridesmaids, basically they flat out both tell me that they're not going to go and that they're against male reviews and strippers as if I, like, they made it seem... Is the Jersey Girl?

Yes. Tom's River. Yeah, they got, got it. together. Tom's River? They've been buying it. They've been watching the Kardashians too long. I mean, and I'm like, and to me, it's inconceivable because it's like, well, what do you mean? You don't want to, like, this is one of the, one of them said, it's not my thing. It's not your thing. It's, it's not your fucking thing. It's my thing. Lee, that's my thing. Honko mania. I love going to, I love watching Magic Mike. It's a fucking bachelor

party. What else am I supposed to do? So only, only two of them ended up coming to Atlantic City the two other bridesmaids, so I'm paying for fucking 12. I'm going to be paying for this forever. It was so much. I charged it. It was so much. One of the girls finally caved and came with us. The other one stayed in the hotel room, didn't leave the hotel room

all night, and when we came back from the two-hour show, she was like in bed in her pajamas. Then the other one got in bed. They ordered room service. They're both younger than May. Maybe 30, 28. They're both married. They both have kids, young kids. And they

both my sister for when they were getting married did all their shit and now it's like her turn and and i got the vibe that it was like because they have kids they feel like they can't do like to me this is so fucking it's it's corny like i'm sure you guys have never been to one of these but no i've never been to it's like the movie magic mike nothing happens there's not like dicks out they're not slapping you with dicks it's nothing crazy it's like a broadway play but you know there's speed oh bikinis on and they rubbed their fucking It's so fucking corny

Especially especially like Doing things like with the naughty show and like going to go to the AVNs for years for me This is fuck like I just want to say do you understand I judge like a porn star Asshole competition and you don't want to go see a guy dance in a fucking bikini like how And and one of them the girl when we left she goes she goes that was the most intense experience of my life And I thought holy fucking shit that so sad. Imagine?

It's crazy. I've never been... I've never been part of any of those things. Okay? I left North Bergen before any of those things happened in my life. I could tell you guys sincerely, I don't remember going to a fucking bachelor party. I've been married twice.

And my bachelor party, the first time was me, my friend George, and my brother-in-law doing an eight ball watching some fucking video. because I had like four days. I knew I didn't have to piss in a bottle for the halfway house. And I knew I could let myself go. That was my best support. I didn't even think of women as strippers.

And I'm a filthy fucking animal. Right. But I get the bond you have, especially coming from New Jersey. There's six of us. We all help out on our weddings. And you got married, you did this. And everybody went, now it's a different game. So you want to take your ball and go home.

Right. Even me, I'm a dickhead like when I'm a kid. like when it comes to that, if Lee came to me and one of his friends or his brother called me and said, listen, Lee wants to go to a strip club, the one in Van Nuys, you know what, from eight to nine, it wouldn't kill me. Lee wants to see me for 10 minutes and talk to his high school friends. Right. I could go in there and get a lap dance, buy him a lap dance, and leave, you know?

I could do that. And I could even handle that. I could even handle that one right there, especially if all I got to do is down the block in Atlantic City. If you make me go to Culver City By the airport, I ain't show it Right You know what I'm saying? It's one of those strip clubs

I ain't showing This is like we got We got the room at resorts on the boardwalk Beautiful Ocean View room Expensive fucking room And you're going down Fucking an elevator And walking like a block

To this like theater In Atlantic City Where these guys do this bullshit I did I thought I was doing a corny Wholesome almost Like you know what I mean Like five girls going out

Lee, Lee. Let's have some drinks. Right. They toast this shit. You know what I'm saying? We're one of the guys. Exactly. We get the champagne.

Oh my God. We're going to, Who brought singles? Like, I think I'm playing the role. I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. That's not me. That's not who I am. I think I'm, I think this is what everybody wants.

And it's like as soon as I book that shit, the whole thing turned on me. And all of a sudden then it was like I was some sex crazed heathen trying to drag, you know, their brothers and your wife down the next day they looked at you all weird and nobody was really hung over and then what am i supposed to do too because the idea too that anyone like i i had to like sneak away and this is in new jersey now i had to sneak away at one point and like smoke pot on the street by myself because i can't even fucking smoke pot in the room because i can already if you're not walking in the mail review i'm not lighting up this fucking joint in this hotel room and that's the way it's going to be that's the way it's going to be first up they charge you 250 and that's if somebody

doesn't complain. That's if the maid smells it. And if they don't complain, if somebody complains, then they have to knock on your door. I'm worried about the people I'm with complaining. Like, it's so foreign to anything that I'm used to being around. Weddings are nuts. They're nuts. You have a conversation how my mom died. The anniversary was last week, 30-something years. But Lee and I and his mom went out. It was really interesting to do it. You know, you really don't know what you have till you lose it. I live now in wherever the fuck I live, Valley Village. Lee's 28 years old.

I haven't doing this. I torment them two days a week plus three days a week on the phone. Then I go on the road. I don't want to take Lee anywhere. You know, I love Lee to death. Lee goes. We go to dinners. We have nice times.

But for me to call Leah 11 and go. I know Lee will go with me. in a New York minute to fucking the burger place. And I know Lee will do a thousand things with me, but Lee, Rogan, Ari, guys like that, I love them dearly, but they don't fill the void left by the style of people I grew up with in Jersey. And I was really feeling it the last couple of years.

That every time I go to Jersey, it's basically a work situation. Like when I fly in Wednesday night, Thursday, morning I do Opie and Anthony, Thursday night I do the stand. Friday I do Gotham, Saturday I do Gossom, and I'm on the first flight at 6 a.m. And either I got to see him at the shows, which is a three-minute conversation because I've got 270 people stand there waiting to take a picture and wait to tell me this story about life and stuff. And it started bothering me.

And then a guy from our neighbor would Carmine Balzano, the cop who shot the guy in the back seven times in self-defense. he died and I and at the wake they took they went to my teacher's bar and they took pictures and these are kids that I know since the sixth grade and I like contact with each of them on Facebook and I said listen man I'm gonna fly in but this time on Thursday I'm not going to understand I'm gonna go to Barone's bar our seventh grade teacher's bar meet me there and two girls in the sixth grade three girls four girls in the sixth grade came a kid from the eighth grade came a kid from the eighth grade came another friend of mine from the seventh grade came and Mr. Barone, the teacher.

And we just sat there for three hours. Nobody got hammered. Nobody, they didn't even know about the reef or I smoked. Like I wouldn't bring it up. I went in the athlete, you know. But I got to tell you, as simple as that was, it made my year. Like, and I was home by 1030, 40, quarter to 11. I remember the girls were like at 9.

They're like, boy, we're getting tired. But I know these girls just the same. sixth fucking grade. Then I ended up doing seventh grade. I got left back and they got to the eighth grade, but I still remained friends with them. So it's like now I want to get more involved in those type of things with my friends.

Like I have a friend who has a band, the past masters. They're a fucking cover band. He's a great kid. I mean, I've been hanging out with him since we were 12. He had a shed behind his house. And he had drums back there, and a guitar, no heat, though.

So in the dead of February, he were back there with gloves on and a fucking snorkel. And he has a band called the Passmasters. And I'm thinking and looking at his schedule or maybe flying in and just surprised him because he went to my mom's fucking funeral. He went to my mom's fucking weight. You know, like that's how long I know him, you know.

And it's five guys who have day jobs. He's an engineer. He works at Sax Coleman or something. like he's one of our financial investor or something like that and there's like five guys like that that are well off they have great jobs and they have a band and they play all around jersey and they do springsteen and they do you know some bon jovi and you know whatever the who and whatever and they do but every time they have a show close to my hometown a bunch of people whether it's maywood or shit like that people show up you know so it'd be great to see those guys again so So that's why I would get pissed at your two friends. I would go upstairs and straighten them out. Like, listen, ladies, let me talk to you. Sit out for a second.

You guys got ladies, you guys got husbands, you got kids. I get it. You want to be respectful. You got to go down there for 15 minutes. You got to put a fucking dress on. I got some weed. What was the last time you said? No, look at you.

You go, marijuana? Oh, my God. How juvenile? I don't give a fuck. That's what you guys need. You need two hits of this weed or a black dick up your ass to loosen you up a little bit. You're married and with a kid.

We don't want you to go out and get raped and meet a guy. That's not what we're saying. But have a good time for 10 fucking minutes. 10 minutes. Go in there, giggle, see how cheesy it is? Look at that guy. And I'm older than both of them. I've been married longer than both of them.

And one of them's married twice already on their second marriage. So it's kind of like, and younger than me. So it's kind of like, hey, I know you're no angels. So let's cut the shit. This is all about, this is. it about what me what I want or what you want this is about my sister my nice sister who's been so nice to everyone my sister's fucking an angel you have to understand and so is the kid she's marrying they're so nice and innocent that's

what made it so funny to see her get picked up on the stage by the black guy in the bathing suit okay because she's this dainty little girl and he was winging her around and we're throwing money it's just fun it's just fun it's just it's not dirty and it's that's it's a reason to scream and get drunk if you're a girl god damn it and we did everyone should have been on board i had i had been in the strip club since like 1999 in canada before 9-11 when i go to toronto i would go to blois street best strip clubs in the world beside the one i grew up in jersey with the frozen bananas and shit this one didn't have frozen bananas but the women were more risque that put that

bush in your face. Oh, bad. You know, I don't know. It just wasn't for me. Strip clubs weren't for me. And it started bothering me. Like, at the comedy store, the body shops down the corner, you don't know how many times those guys have gone to the body shop.

And I'm like, no. And they're like, why? What is the problem? I even dated the stripper four years. When I moved to L.A., I moved here with a stripper. Oh, wow. And then she danced on the Lassanaga. And then she just went crazy and started dancing,

fucking in the valley or whatever. but I wasn't dating her anymore. And she still dances once a week, and she's a psychiatrist. She has a full-time job as a psychiatrist in some fucking place. And then three hours from her house, like on every other Sunday, she goes. She has a bunch of regulars.

She gives hand jobs. Oh, wow. She'll fuck you for 200. So she's really in it for the love of the game. Like she was, you know, she grew up in a cult. She had to fuck the leader. She got to cut his toenails and shit. What do you think?

What do you think happened? to you. That shit sticks with you like herpes for the rest of your life. But, um, so last year, I finally broke down. Last holiday, I went to the comedy store on a Sunday night. I had a great set. I was driving back, and I missed my exit.

I kept going on the 170 when I made the right, boom. There was a strip club. And I made a U-turned. I went in there. I got a lap dance. I didn't get a drink. It was empty. The girl was great. Her boyfriend listened to the podcast. You know who I was. Oh, my God. We talked.

I tried to live. I asked. Can I lick your monkeys? You said, not at all. You know what I'm saying? Because there's a lot of shit you won't do when you go to the strip club until it's right in front of you. When they dance nude and funny and it's right here,

it takes about three seconds that you want to bite that fucking clit. All of a sudden you're feeling like Trump and you're like, I can't do this shit. I can't put it by the fucking clip. I've never been to one. You have never been to a strip club? Really? You never even I've been to a female one.

I wouldn't know what to do with you at a strip. I wouldn't know. know I want to take you to one where you can get your pipe sucked really I don't think yeah do they exist anymore fuck yeah down by the airport did they exist anymore yeah where Eddie Bravo used to work you take those girls upstairs they'll suck your pipe for fucking the deuce the small nickel well I knew like the massage polish existed but I figured these places might be a little bit more like regulated now no there's no regulation it's just you it's the oldest profession yeah they start dancing it'll persevere it finds a way they get a little freakier

You throw a 20 at them or 50 another yardstick. What? How much am I spending for this blowjump? Who gives a fuck? Make them lick your nuts. Make them pay for it. Make them drink the juice of debt. You know what I'm saying?

See, no, no. Now I think she has herpes because she's going to talk to my dick for $170. Who gives her fuck if she got herpes? So what? You never had herbies before? No big. You take a couple pills. You drink some marries juice.

That's a big. You're back within a week. Who are you kidding? They got new medicine now. You get the herb. Just tell. Paul is you got to move out for a month. There ain't no dick-sucking or fucking this month, Paula.

Why not? Because I'm on new medication. I have no erection. Oh, my God. Meanwhile, you're leaking. You need a diaper for your little helmet and shit. I don't think herpes just goes away like that. It's got to do something.

It's got to go somewhere. Yeah, I think it stays there forever. It goes dormant for a little while. That's what those commercials are about. You just give Paul the herb. That's it. It won't matter. She'll never know.

then just will glue a wart to your hand and tell her you got it from a war. Throw a toad in the bed. Yeah, when you finger the one night, you got the fucking, uh. I can see why, like, these are terrible plans. It's the worst plan. Festos. Oh, not festos. This is the plan so far.

Like, gather a few hundred dollars to get a blowjob at a strip club, acquire herpes, hide it from Paula. Until she... This isn't a good idea? None of this. Seems like a... It's, we lost me in. I had a disease for a while.

I never got a test it. We went away after like four years. It just disappeared. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. I used to date this college girl. She was filthy. College girls are like kids in daycare.

They're filthy. Filty. And they got morals. Like, I've never had sex, but I get blow jobs. What are you getting that? What are you getting that? What do you mean you never gave a? I never had sex, but I used to blow my boyfriend in college.

What are you talking about? What the fuck are you? You got morals. You know, it's funny, I used to have that stance for, you know, my first few teen years there. I definitely thought, for some reason in my head, like, blowjob doesn't count as sex. It's its own thing. As a Catholic? No, no, no.

I swear, I think it's just as a child of the 90s, like, as a result of Lewinsky. I really do, where it's like, oh, well, this isn't sex. That's the common. That was the thought of myself and my peers. blow jobs aren't sex. I could suck a dick. I'm still a virgin. And I would really think like that where it's like, well, I don't want to, I don't want to have sex with so and so. But like, I would blow them and not think it was the same. It would be nice to just hang out. There was a certain age where all of a sudden it was like, wait a minute. Why do I think it matters with this number?

Like there's going to be this number of people like I can't pass a certain number of people I've slept with. Why? I could. And honestly, it's probably safer to fuck someone with a condom than it is to suck their dick. So what am I, what am I doing morally, uh, the who gives a shit? But that was probably like, it's however you look at it's definitely after after college age. I don't even trust a condom anymore. Do you know that? Really? Really? Yeah, I just, I don't know. I got really lucky. I was stupid and barely use them like barely, almost never. Oh my God. See, in my head, it's like, I wasn't getting laid that much. So it wasn't, It wasn't like it was a huge issue.

In my head, it's like I might automatically die. Like, honestly, I might get pregnant immediately. I would be so terrified. I always used condoms all the time. I was like crazy. HIV got spread like in 84 when rock cuts and stuff. And in 85, I met a girl. One of the few dates.

And we had sex like one of those heats of passion. I was young. She was young. And then she became my fucking wife, six years later. So I was with her until fucking 90, right? Ninety one, right? So I had no diseases and nothing like that. And then I met a girl right away when I separated.

There were college girls. And then I ended up sleeping with her and the roommate and dating both of them and, you know, the whole thing. Yeah, yeah. And that's when I knew I had something. One of those two dirty bitches gave me some from Kansas. I didn't know what it was. It was like leakage and itches and shit.

Oh, my God. No. Leakage. But I wouldn't go to the doctor. Fuck that. Oh, my God. I would rub Tuna fish juice on and move on. And then I met the stripper.

God knows what diseases she had. God knows. And with her, too, the first couple times, it was just fooling around and fingers and assholes and shit. But then we started having sex. And by that point, who cares about a condom? And I remember giving her a stabbing the first time going. I know I'm going to get something, but who am I?

You know, who gives a fuck? I deserve something. Look at me. I'm an animal. Oh, my God. and I knew I got something from it I just love how calmly you said fingers and assholes

when you're doing blow and champagne but he ho-hummed it fingers and assholes you know the basics not my asshole and their asshole when I got coked up I get all evil and then

I started doing comedy and you know it was the first from 93 to who knows you know me and Lee sat

outside one night and talked about stupid escapades. I couldn't sleep after we went home. It was, you know, you ran the fucking road around the country, you know. So today I'm very lucky, you know, and I'm not even good looking. I can't imagine if I was like a hot feature act slinging dick after every show. I would just bump into victims getting high, you know. The hottest girl will give you a piece of pussy at five in the morning when you're doing coach. I mean, it was like, once they go back to the hotel and the friend leaves and it's you and them,

It's just a matter of time before the clothes come off. I don't care how engaged or how married they are. If it's five and you still got two grams of blood, I'm running against the clock key. I'm giving this chick a stab, and she's going to show me a tetties. I'm going to jerk off on the stomach. Something's going to happen here.

What do you think, Lisa? How are you feeling, brother? I'm feeling okay. What do you got plans? You got Pismo Beach. When are you leaving? late tomorrow night so why Pismo Beach

how was that decision formed you're gonna laugh well I drove by and it looks really cool looks really nice but uh we picked it because I picked the hotel because it's within walking distance to a movie theater and some places to eat

but it's like right we're going to peaceful beach but do you have a beach that yeah but are you close to the beach oh yeah but I you're not bringing a bikini I'll bring it

but it's December. Yeah. You can still put a blanket on and go to the beach and get some vitamin D. That would help you a little bit. What do you think? What are you going to do sitting a fucking movie theater all day like a fucking Dracula while the sun's out

like some fucking waiting for something to come and shoot you? Yeah, let me go to the movie theater and see a dumb fucking movie while you got sunlight and you're on a beach. I'm just trying to help you out. I'm going to go to the beach. You know, I love you. And there's a butterfly thing.

There's a butterfly garden. Okay, that's great. There's a horse castle. Tell her to come back when she gets back that you're ready to rock. You eat ten stars of death. You ain't going to see no butterfly. You're part of a debt association. You don't see you got time for butter.

What are you fucking some butterfly dude? What else they got? The Hearst Castle? I don't know. What are you doing there? I don't know what they got there. How'd you get talked into that? That's get scratched from the addendum, okay?

Just call them all and say, listen. If I went once I meet Henry 8 then I'll go to a fucking castle I'm not going to a fucking castle Oh my God okay all right well there's a drive-in movie theater too Yeah there you go at night Yeah we're gonna do that uh sure yeah I'm gonna get some night see that's nice I do it during the daytime too You can't go to driving in the daytime you retort I can go to the other movie theater I know you what I get a joke

How many movies do you need to stay on this truck it's a joke gonna go to the beach And you'll pick one worse than the other you have no idea I love him like a brother but it's it's all over he's the kiss of death officially he could fucking step into shit they could be four hot restaurants and one shitty one he'll pick the shitty one where you get diarrhea and people bleed from the uterus I've never got food boys no no no no you never got nothing dog sucker have you seen what restaurants they have down there yeah yeah okay split them out I don't know what I don't know what yes you do memorize yes

do you already have your menu planned i know how lisa that works who the fuck do you think you're talking to no i know you you listen last night you stayed in look me in the face cuck-sucking i know you and paula got on the computer no it didn't harvey homo's that you all sat there and watched the restaurants and decided your meals they have fries or carnitas look go ahead don't lie clothes but not quite not no lie no my i'm not going to be very very very very very very i'm not going to be very very very very very very very very honest so yeah and we didn't do it yesterday but we did go on yelp and see what's around the area what i tell you yeah because everyone does that joey not not everyone just goes around this is a jew that acts like fucking johnny white bread all right and what did yelp tell you i i don't have it memorized let me

check but i know that you what restaurants are off the top of your mind go ahead let me show you want on yelp to take the advice from fucking strangers listen to me no no no i'm just you know me we're just talking it out here yeah sure on yelp to find the advice from Who do I know on Pizmo Beach, sir? You don't need to know nobody. You keep your eyes open, you look for a rating. You look at the people serving. You don't want to go to a Chinese restaurant.

Some Arab serving you. You know what I'm saying? You can't have that shit. All right. So I have to do a scouting trip? Yeah, you walk around and you milk it. Pismore Beach has got to be somebody selling burritos and tacos. Yeah, of course.

All right. So what the restaurants did you and Paul are picks? All right. But listen to me. Vicki, you know, I love you. I know this motherfucker like the best. back of my hand. He can't make a move without me being here. I know that she sat him down and him and her in front of the computer like two fucking momos because he should know. Everyone does this.

No, not everybody. Not everybody. Only people like Chad and Nathan, those fucking mooks would do something like that. Can I just shy big? Because I'm, I, I expected him to Google Yelp. He did that too. He actually, he pulled up his own personal. Yelp profile where there is a list of things saved. Yeah, you can bookmark him, yeah. Because he already picked all these out, just like you're saying. I didn't pick the menus out, though. That's the one thing he's wrong about because I like to be surprised.

Yeah, it wants to be surprised. And sometimes the menus aren't accurate. I want to pick the rest fucking workplace in town and take the word from strangers. I'm just trying to help you out of you. I'm just an organized Jew. Yeah, you'd have to organize you by picking out bad restaurants. It's on bad restaurants. And sitting on there.

All four of a plus stars. All right, read the restaurants to me. All right, Fruitland, like Casa del Sabor. It's a Mexican place. Let me go with the big ones, actually. Ventana Grove has a thousand reviews. Four stars. Steakhouse, Gipsons for 545.

What else is there? Oh, no, that's in Chicago. One of the chances are you taking other Gibson's to even have the balls to bring. That's in Chicago. What are the chances are you even having the balls to bring up Gibson's without getting a back in? like steak she's like a one time we don't want steak she'll never forget it we we we want pizza what are you talking about I'm giving you a free card to go to Ruth Chris somebody sent us a hundred dollar gift certificate

to go to Ruth Chris you go stop over give it a card you know take it on a nice steak show what it is to live like a fucking doctor okay you know he calls me back hey we we both want it wings and pizza no we did not have pizza Yeah, that pizza. There's pizza. And bad pizza. Oh, it's not bad. You ate there.

It wasn't even like good pizza. It's bad pizza. I can see if it's like, it's coming from Boston, frozen, my mom. You know, no, no. He got pizza. They waited on line. Pizza rev. No, it's not pizza.

We know where it's from. I'm embarrassed. I'm in fucking embarrassed. I try. I try. You don't think I know all this shit. You don't think I know all this shit. I think you're going to be shocked at the outcome.

People look at Yelp, dude. That's why it's like a big. The biggest one looks at Yelp. No one looks at Yelp. Only you look at Yelp. Only I. I pick restaurants from Yelp and rub hub. And you believe strangers who don't know dick about food.

Nothing. They're worse than you are. So why don't you start your own Yelp service? Because I haven't got time to eat at bad restaurants, okay? I hear about the best. We go in there. We conquer it. That's all the website.

It's two, like, two lines. That's all you need. Just listen to what I'm telling you. Sure. Listen, because you like, what do you say to me to one? That might take chances. Yeah, you got to go for the restaurants. That's good.

Yeah, that's great. Don't take a chance by yourself. He ended up at Roscoe's chicken, eating fucking pigeon and God knows what else. You know, went up to corn, 50 yards away. He was from stout. I've been a stout. The best burger.

You've never taken another stout. No, you have. You don't have anything used to take of the stout. You want to go eat a shitty burger on Lancashim and fucking victory. He found a place that put big. That's a good place. Yeah, it's a great place. Yeah, people talk about it all the time.

I hate people. There's a line in front of there right now. Where do you go to talk to people at all restaurants? You know me, dog. I weigh 300 fucking pounds. I roam with professionals. If they go somewhere good, they call right away and go, dog. I know what you're like going there, and I take their advice.

But I would never take the advice of some fucking dude on Yelp or Grubhub. We're from the East Coast. We know the best. We're not going to take some advice from some fucking Jamo. I believe in the goodness of people. Get the what goodness of people? They're like you. They put fucking pork on French fries like gavones.

Yeah, and then they know what I like that. They know what I like. You know what you like. You're not going to stop. I'm telling you poisoned his father. I do not poison him. Paula ate bad shrimp already. Kempchi at some place.

They just walk into a Korean place. I have people around making bad decisions. I'm not making bad decisions. You're the leader of them. Oh, I'm not the leader. Yeah, because you enhance that. They eat dumplings and shitty places. You know, it's constant.

And I love him to death. I love him to death with all my heart. I just won't. And I knew. Did I tell you, he went online already? Yeah, of course I did. I was just so shocked to see the profile. But the best one?

You've yelped before. I don't write reviews. I have two reviews. You don't write reviews. I don't write reviews except for those two. Thank God you don't spread your fucking listen to eat tacos to places. Who would you get mad at? Let me see you get mad at.

Oh, my God. Let's see. Please read one of these. Oh, should have three reviews. One is from Denny's because I was angry at the things. them. Denny's! Somebody needs to look that up on Yelp.

Oh, this is cool, actually. I have one really good one to help a guy out, and I have the Zipline guy that fucked me over. We ended up closing. So that was good. They closed up. Yeah. They ran up.

They closed shop. So that was good. Denny's. They took his money on fucking Guppan, right? Him and Harvey Homo. They take, he decides, him and his wife decide, hold on. We want to be excited. for the weekend we're going to go zip lining you know Lee look at Lee that line will go down

it's all over you know what I'd say why take the chance wait what was the drive you would give me a Lee a zip line pass like that that's like right away you is there something wrong with you no least a do a deuce and a half they put them on a little rock yes you are that tree is going fucking that tree is going down not listen he listen he he's been telling me for I haven't gained a pound No, I'm gaining like eight pounds. I'm on $250. Yes, you didn't gain no $8. Oh, my God.

Yes, it is. I know you did. Oh, my God. Somebody even told me that they saw a leader, they didn't recognize him. He's getting all Chinese looking again. Oh, my God. It's all over.

I thought he was Domberra with a haircut. That could be the edible stuff. No, no. I can my half gain weight. Festos. Talk to me. Fastos. Stop fucking going on Yelp.

All right. You wrote a review to the fucking Yelp line. And then I wrote a review. He called me that morning. Because, listen, I'm the one that bears the brunt of this ladies and john you don't you're thinking you're fucking sitting there going to leave with joey why are you breaking his balls you know why because i don't bother nobody i'm sitting there smoking my riefer i got the cat in one hand i'm looking at the baby i'm looking at the wife it's saturday i'm home

and i got a call from this gogooots telling me that his girlfriend bought him groupon and fucking you gotta see this shit you can't believe like there's things i hear from him that i really can't fucking believe like you're living his negative Yelp reviews no no oh it's not even yelp reviews I'm living bad like listen at his age I was mugging people and doing blow I was doing prison time who am I to judge this poor kid but look at him you don't want to put him on a zip line he takes one of those poles down I've ziplined many times no you have not late he stopped as a kid I have in your backyard when you were 82 pounds into the pool so they get the zip line pass by 65 bucks him and his beautiful

girlfriend they take an hour drive they just can't go to a movie or go find the cat next time just go to van eyes the bushes and look for a cat that oh no you can't do it you got poison ivy look for a cat do something like that no they want to drive an hour or some fucking line drive now I'm sitting at home going this ain't going to work this kid's going to take down the pole he's taking on the pole I'm going to call in an hour first of all and by the way I was at my height of Dave at this point, by the way. I was at the height of going to Dave. I was like probably 2.30.

Listen, please. Why are you boring me with details? You could take down any rope. No, but I'm not taking down the rope. The limit was 250. Yeah, the limit was 250. He got there. They took one look at Johnny Bananas and they go, listen,

we can't put him on. This guy will take down the fucking pole. And then they kept this money because he put the hat on or something like that. That's not what happened. What happened? They took your money. They took our money, but it's because they

they had the cheap system. When I went, I don't know if anyone else has ever done zip lining, but they usually have breaks. So, but this one, you have to put your hand down and use handbrakes. All right, so what happened? But you have to do it. So what happened? So I couldn't do handbrakes in two turns to the level of expertise that this little asshole high schooler really would like me to. So he canceled me and like half the other group.

So, and they said each time like four people get sent back. So it's not like a whole bunch of 250-pound chubby Jews going up there. There's regular people who can't do it. They looked at that little fucking dinosaur hand on you. And they say it's never going to work. You ain't going to be able to stop it. 250 coming at you. He's five foot two coming at you on that rope, you know, on a vertical like that.

I'm no engineering major. But even if I did that, it wouldn't hit you that much because he's more compact. He's more compact. There's a density. to it. Yeah, it's a density to it. He comes down like a boulder at you. And it's all over. That little midget saw it and said 250, no handbrakes. No can't do.

You got to go like John Panette, Cocksucker. He calls me on the way home. We got thrown out and they kept our money. Sure, I keep your money for being stupid. That's what happens. This shit. You want a flat zip line. You can't walk around a lake and go fishing. You know, right here, right in Van Nuys, get a fishing pole. People like that shit all the time. I can't believe that.

That's what it was. You don't write a negative Yelp review about a zip line place, and it's not a great story. No, if you look at the place, that's what everyone's complaining about. Yeah, because they were $2.50. Oh, my God. They're ironing you up? So there isn't a scale. They're eyeing you up.

No, there's a scale. You get on the scale with all your clothes on, and you still have to be under it. So it's not like it can be like $2.49. I'm like, oh, I hope not. You're $2.50. No, my God. I'll get a scale right now. I didn't throw you out of there because you were 238.

Stop blue. No, I didn't get throwing out of there. They took a look at you. You were deuce and a half and the airbrake didn't work. So much worse could have happened. And this is four years of college. And then I'll get yelled at for not doing stuff. So what am I supposed to do?

What not doing stuff? You're 28 years old. When I call you and you tell me you just watch eight episodes of orange, black and red. Sure, I get agitated. There's a thousand things you could do. Anything. But he always picks the bad things. A minor league baseball game two hours from here.

That's fun as far. Surrounded by chas. They almost stabbed them in the neck. Oh, I didn't. It didn't. It didn't fucking, like San Bernardino. I live in the house of hours. I can do a documentary about this momo.

Every week is escapade. If it's not Pismo Beach, no, every week. I think last time I was on, you had just went to a crepe cooking class. No, no, no, it never ends. It never ends. It's random. Yeah, it's right. And I asked them, why are you going to a great?

Because I'm going to cook crepes. Never, that I ever get a crepe. Never have you. You did get a crepe, and then you mount them. Yeah, I got the crepe that from the night that night. What was the other cooking class you went to learn how to cook? Steak, and that was good. Yeah, I see how many steaks I get brought to the fucking office.

What was the other class? Dumbling? Yeah, I just see how many fucking dumplings you were going to make here, too. That one was a waste of time. No shit. All three of them were I wasted time. Plus the trip to Pizmo, plus the trip to the fucking lion gate up there. The what?

Fucking yelping restaurants. I knew he did that. I knew that his girlfriend sit there and they look at it together. I know that's just what he does. This is unbelievable. I'm not trying to put him down for this. I'm trying to help him on. Nobody in America unless you fucking walk around with a backpack and you believe in fucking

Dungeons and Dragons. Nobody sits there with his girlfriend and go, that's the out restaurants. Yes, they do. And see what's in the area. This is fucking crazy. Yeah, it's like, I never go to McDonald's and they sold 99 million burgers.

Everyone hates on Yelp, but. Well, 992 because you don't go there no more. Huh? 992 because you don't go there no more. I know. I used to go there all the time. They write me letters all the time. They got a new Big Mac.

You're thinking about it? What is it? Like three meats? What is it? Is it just bigger? Yeah. I was never. I got into Big Macs at the end for a variety, but I was never much of a big Mac person.

What's the no McDonald's for just because it's fucking bad for you? Yeah. I miss it, though. I haven't had Wendy's over a year, and I'm missing. That was your favorite, Wendy's? Oh, yeah. You're a lucky dude, brother. You're taking care of yourself, a little step by step.

I know you crave it. I know you'll cave this weekend and eat some fucking Milwaukee down there in Pismo Beach. You always do. Dog, you can go down there with a plan. I can have the best chef in America come here right now and go, you're going to go to this taco stand, you're going to go to this little breakfast place, it's not expensive,

and you're going to go to this place for dinner. He will fuck all three of those up. He will fuck him up. He'll get talked into Thai food for lunch, and there's a snake and his soup. There's always something. There's always something. You have no idea.

Every time he tells me he's going on vacation, now I've got to worry all weekend. I got to worry. I got to worry because something. America. No, no, no, it don't matter. It don't matter. I can't wait to hear Monday the rash on your head. It's always something. No, there's no rash. The guy took your money, the crepes. There's always something. There's always something. My life is fucking tremendous. I have a great life because I just sit there. He entertained. He doesn't even know. You're down the block from stout

and the best pizza around here unless you have to go back east. He ends up in Roscoe's Waffles and Chicken. He gets back in the fucking car and goes to Raffles, Waskos, and Chicken on Gawa on Friday fucking night, which I'd rather get shot in the goddamn fucking head to go on Gawa on Friday night. And I'll tell you why I don't go to Rosco's and Chicken there. I've been to Rosco's and Chicken, it was very delicious. It's a fucking, whatever fucking is, Wilshire, it's an Olympic Pico.

Pico's Rascos. And when I went there, I went there with black dudes, so I got treated with respect, okay? I'm not going to walk in there with Jules. Jew LaRue over here. And, you know, that's the last guy they want to see the black joint. A fucking Jew and a Mexican are the black joint. They gave him the chicken from the fucking street.

They gave the chicken that they were going to throw out. They go give it to these two fucking Mamooks in there. This little juju-ju-ju guy just came in here. Next time you go to a black place, you got to go in there with a black person. That's rule number one. Not a Mexican, black. Blacker than black. Afro, a pick in his hair.

That's how you get good service as a fucking black. Just for the service? That's all. That's it because now they can't fuck with you. They got to give you the good shit. You follow me? Rule number one or go to Pico. Rule number two, don't ever go to that fucking place because there's a Thai place.

So while you're eating chicken, you got to smell curry. I don't fuck with. I don't mix both countries. You know what I don't do it. I won't do it. I've been invited to eat there. They wanted to take me there for a pitch meeting. I refuse to go in there.

I don't like to smell of curry. I had no level. I don't like Thai food. I don't trust them. I'm a Chinese people are here first. I've said it a thousand times. I ate sushi. It took me 30 years to eat sushi.

Yeah, me too. I don't eat Vietnamese food. I don't eat Thai food. I don't eat no Wang Dung food. Nothing. I run with the Chinese, the Japanese, and that's it. Cox suck, because everybody else got to stand on line

and make me a nice menu. I've eaten with the Filipinos. I had the pigeon one time. Whatever. Whatever. It's high in protein. What the fuck do I know? What would you do if a Thai place

move next to your drive? cleaning I move the fuck I just don't like the smell of carry I don't know if it's Thai I shouldn't insult the Thai people I'm very sorry I do not like the smell of any carry

whatsoever you understand me at least I have give me get the paperwork how many times I gotta tell you you're looking around the room so you're leaving tomorrow night what time probably around 8 o'clock thank God how far is Pismo Beach two and a half two and a half a half a half a

where is this half an hour north of uh It's where? I have an hour to 40 minutes north of Santa Barbara. Okay, so it's that way. Oh, very nice. Look at you. Fucking Lee is making progress in the world.

I like him. I love Lisa. It's fine. He's always having a good fucking time, all right? Let me tell you something. For the last month, why am I lying, TP? For the last three weeks, I have been drinking this hint, crisp apple water, infused with crisp apple. They sent me a box.

They had five different flavors. It had the raspberry. I don't remember all the rest of the flavors, but I will tell you something. The taste is magnificent. There's none left in my refrigerator, okay? Not one. Not even one.

So we enjoyed them, all right? Now, you should drink eight glasses of water a day, but who really does? Coffee, soda, energy drinks, why don't you just drink more water? Because it's bland. You want something that taste, good. You ever want to eat a sandwich? You can't eat a sandwich with fucking soda. How can you

eat a fucking mortadale with American cheese and a piece of salami and some lettuce with some vinegar on? How are you going to drink that shit with water? But I'll tell you what, with a nice sandwich, with a nice little crisp apple water, it's not that bad. That's why you should try hidden water, all right? Hinton water was started by Kara Gold. A few years ago, after having a four child, she was overweight, had terrible acne, and overall felt awful. She was drinking 10 dietsodas a day instead of drinking water because water is boring. But water, other options are there. What other options are there? Juice is full of calories and the no calorie drinks are garbage. That's why she started hint water. It is pure water infused with a taste of fresh fruit

that taste delicious, whether it's the mango, peach, mango, grapefruit, or watermelon, and many more. It's got no sugar, no chemicals, just great tasting, all natural, fruit, flavoring water. Both health and self-magisines have named Hint, water the best flavored water, and they know how important drinking water is to your health, all right? So do me a favor. You don't have to carry these cases of water back in the store. You can have it delivered right to your door. What we're going to do is this.

Right now, I'm going to give you a single variety pack, shipped directly to your door, including three bottles of each of Hintz four most popular flavors, pineapple, watermelon, crisp apple, and blackberry. It's normally $24. We're going to do it for $15 at drinkhint.com slash church. Again, I'm going to save you $9. This water is tremendous. Drinkhint.com slash church. That's drinkhint.com slash church. H-H-I-N-T-drinkh-com slash church.

Give it a try. You save $9 and it gets shipped directly to your door. Now, we've talked about this topic before, and we're going to talk about it again. The holidays are coming. You're sitting there, what am I going to get for this guy? What am I going to get for that guy? Listen, I got the perfect gift for you, right?

Did I tell you that bidet's a back? Oh shit, you're sitting there going, Joey. What's a bidet? A bidet is this little fucking thing that snaps on. What I'm selling you is this. Biday is a thing next to your toilet that you sit on and you put the water temperature and you sit on and it cleans your muffler. And you wipe it one time with a towel and you're back in action.

You understand me? What we got today is a bidet cost thousands of dollars. But what I got for you is hello tushy.com. Listen to me. They're portable bidetion. It's a device that sprays your butt clean with water. Like I said, I grew up with a bidet after my mom died. I didn't know how much it meant to me.

Ever since I've got my hello tushy.com bidet, my asshole's tremendous right now. You understand me? Thanks to Tushy's sleek bidet that clips on to your existing toilet. Listen to me. It clips on to your existing fucking toilet, and it sprays your muffler completely clean with fresh water. But think about it.

You're sitting there. You close your eyes. You smoke a joint. It's like somebody's spitting to your asshole. You can take this anywhere. You understand me? Who needs Calgon? Who needs Gillian Barbary with a fucking...

That thing she's selling. That fucking... What do you call it? Elliptical machine where you can press on a screen and you can be running through Australia. Fuck you. I got a portable bidet, bitch. That ward is hitting your asshole.

He just closed your eyes. And next thing you know, you're a genius. Jack, you're floating, you understand me? And I'll tell you what, it's tremendous for you. It clips onto your existing toilet, and it sprays your muffler clean with nice water, so you're not sitting on bacteria, which causes hemorrhoids, yeast infections,

and just plain old rotten ass, all right? The days are better for the environment because there's no fucking paper. So if there's no toilet paper, they save trees, all right? It takes one pint of water to wash your mum. Muffler. Think about it. Listen, Tushy stands behind their product with a 60-day guarantee, and the most guaranteed they'll give you is you're going to enjoy it. Like I said, you're sitting there going, what am I going to get my sister for Christmas? What am I going to get my uncle for Christmas? Both of them got fat asses. Sit there next time you're at a party, stare at their pants. Look at their ass. And imagine what their fucking muffler smells like. You ever have one of those ants that comes over. And you like this. She always gives you $20 at Christmas.

But you know her fucking asshole stinks. She's on disability. She eats peanut butter all day. She don't exercise. She don't drink water. Give that bitch hello. Tushy.com for Christmas. It makes a terrific stocking stuff.

Do you understand me, motherfuckers? Do you think I'd be here telling you this? This is the best Christmas gift you can give anybody. They will fucking send you shit every year. Joey, thank you. You sent me. saved my life. I'm not bored anymore. I'm not on social media. I'm not hanging out with my friends. I don't go bowling no more. What do you do? I just take shits and sit on the toilet for an hour

after that and spray hot water in my ass and dream of exotic locales. Thank you for saving my life. I've already had three people that have brought me fucking boxes of hello dushies to the shows, taking pictures and said, Joey, you've changed my life. You're like Joe Lohsteen. You're like the But they will change your life, all right? I don't give a fuck what you do for the holidays. This is the best gift you can give somebody. Go to hellotushy.com right now slash church. Spell it, Lee.

C-H-U-R-C-H. Boom, and get 10% off your order, delivered to your door. All right, you know, I love you, cock-suckers with all my heart. Also, like I ask you always, you know, I love you motherfuckers. Do me a favor. December 8, my special comes up. I need for you to download my special. It's C-SotTV.com.

They've got other entertainment. Great comedy channel. They're fucking tremendous. I need your help. I need for you to go to sotoTV.com. What is it? I think it's just cso.com. Cso.com.

And pressing joey, bam. You're going to get two months description for free. It's usually $3.98, $3.99. Don't matter. It's fucking gratis. So if you're going on there now, you got Stanhope. And I come on December 8th, and I promise you're going to love the fucking new special.

All right. Do me this favor. Even if you just get it and watch the first fucking 10 minutes, you make me fucking happy. I don't ask you for money. I ask you for donations. Do I ask you for fucking episode money? No.

You know, we're tight. You and I are fucking tight. You're my people. So do me that favor, all right? C-so. Here, Lee, it's right on fucking here. Yeah. Call out specific.

All right. What I'm going to do is right now, my listeners can try C-Sos for free two months when you use the promo word. Joey. So go to CISO.com right now and sign up for two months free with the promo word Joey at checkout. All right. Do me this favor.

They got great shows on there. Chelsea Peretti's special. Kumongi Nanjani, Ron Funches. They got Paul F. Tompkins on there. I mean, listen, it's a great channel. Do me the solid. Again, I want to thank my girl. Vicki motherfucking peasant for coming in. I also want to thank Hintwater.

I want to thank Hellotushy.com. You know, I love you. I want to thank C-S-S-So for putting my special on. Again, C-S-So, the cold word is Joey. And as always, listen, if it wasn't for AlphaBrain,

I couldn't do a fucking podcast on Monday. They take the jet lag right away. You know who takes C-S-C-My during the week? Hemp-Forse protein. That's who takes care of me. You don't have to believe me. Give it a shot. Go to honor.com and press in.

Church. Boom! C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off the Vig delivered to your door. one of the best products out there. The Alpha Brain don't work. You get 100% money back guarantee. Again, I want to thank Hintwater. I want to thank hellotushy.com.

I want to thank audit, and I want to thank my people over at Seesaw for taking care of me. I want to take care of you by giving you the free special, all right? I want to thank Vicki Pezza, looking beautiful with her long hairdo for the wedding. And I want to thank my man Lee, who is stoned to the Gill again.

Again, he's sitting there, not even knowing what fucking planet he is. But you know what? He's my brother Lee. He don't need to know what planet he is. Who gives the phone? What are you going to say, Lee? I don't know.

I'm a stone, but that stone. No, I know. Everybody just sits up and looks up at this stye. Fucking, that's one time he came back with a stye. One time he went on vacation. He came back with two sties, one at each eye. And then it wouldn't go away. It would come back.

He kept coming back. His grandmother, his mother-in-law wanted to burn candles in his eyes. Like Mexican witchcraft, he wouldn't let her. No, he wouldn't let her. No, he told him. She told him and the sty came back because he's the fucking, you know, this is where I live with, ladies and gentlemen, four years of Emerson. I try to help him, but he's on Yelp getting suggestions.

She wanted to burn jalapenos and put that on my eyelids. That's even crazier. Yeah. But he gets rid of the sty. It lasted him a month. He walked around like somebody poked him in the eye. He had a little hemorrhoids sticking out of his eye. It did the squirt.

It always happens right before I see him. Like it can't not happen Like it happened once in Vegas With him I've lived for 28 years Never once had us die I think I'm gonna be stress induced That you know Pizmo Beach something dubs and it happen

They've got to run the bicycle I've already In the cause the case of this podcast Got in at least one Food recommendation for Pismo Beach Okay as well as you know So believe them before you believe Yelp and you'd make me happy

What's the food recommendation? Let's see. Is it a hummus joint? No, I don't think. I think it's a fish joint because it's a lot of seafood up there. There you go. There you go. But you don't eat fast because I don't like that. I eat shrimp.

It's got nucleus in it. Splash Cafe. Oh, shit. What kind of fish do you eat? You're a nice piece of halibut with some french fries, maybe. A little coastal meat. If I'm going to eat fish, I like halibut, okay, because it really doesn't really taste much. Swordfish is pretty good.

if they marinate it well well I wish you have a nice time you deserve it you were a bar last weekend with your uncle Joey it's for her it's for her because of the bar one of the results Friday

so the bad news or the good news is Friday she's gonna get good news oh yeah she'll be fine yes oh cool yeah they have they have chowder they have shrimp and chips oh shit

I listen to me Mickey Pezza he will not eat there I will do it here he will not eat there I want to guarantee. Garant Tee. He'll walk right past it. The boss will say, I don't want to go there.

The boss. Monday morning, I'm checking in. Yeah, he won't eat that. I want to tweet a meal for me now. Was that called Splash? Yeah, he'll go by himself. He'll fucking give her a Cosby pill. And when she's sleeping, he'll run over there, eat and run back.

Oh, honey, you must have passed out. It must have been the sun. He won't go over there. It's good. He'll go walk in front of it. I'll look at the menu. It'll go a little fast. We can't eat here

I'm gonna throw you off the pier here I'm gonna invite you here for my wedding and throw you off the pier I ain't going to your fucking wedding cuck, sucker. Yes you are, I'm gonna be like fucking Vicki Pezzers I'm gonna tell you yeah, yeah, yeah, the last minute tell you fuck it's not my thing yeah, it's too fucking far, go fuck yourself

I'm gonna sit there with Jews and Mexicans I would never do something like that I would never do something like that I get shot in the fucking head they would come right from Israel and shoot me right in the fucking head. Who's that? That's like a Nazi movie Jews in Israel and Mexicans sitting in one room. What do you think is going to happen?

What do you think it's going to happen? Something in your family is going to get stabbed. That's what's going to happen. Some Raider cousins are going to come in. You're going to put on fucking ice cube. He wants iced tea. And the next thing you know, there's a Jew bleeding in the room. That's all you fucking need.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. It is going to be pretty funny to see that. All right. to keep fucking fantasizing fucko that's what he wants he wants damage and shit just let him move in for that just let him move in for now just get there takes you 10 and 11 years to get it together you really don't want a roommate anyway watch he's gonna throw her out within six months he'll pro her out once football season she

starts fucking with his world this little dude likes to be alone he don't get it but he's a fucking harvey homo he invites him to move and move in He doesn't know the mistake. He talked himself into it. You can cut that out, Lee. Yeah. Have a great weekend, guys. Thank you very much.

We'll be back Sunday night. You have a podcast Monday morning. Listen, like I said, this fucking Friday, Houston, Texas. But next Wednesday, the Irvine Improv. The night before Thanksgiving, 8 o'clock, myself, Steve Simone, and Lisa. The Churchill, what's happening now was presented by on it. This show is also brought to you by Hintwater. Go to drinkhint.com slash church right now

to get a variety pack of their most popular flavors that normally retails for 24 for only $15. And you do that at drinkhint.com slash church. This show is all... Dot com. Bidays are back. Hello Tissue makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water.

go to hellotushi.com right now slash church hellotershy.com slash i'll be there i love you guys have a great weekend stay black that was a star oh my god hilarious oh my god my face heard i was like smile realize that external pay doesn't turn his back all the fear is gone the thirst to walk