The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #432 - George Perez

Episode Date: November 21, 2016

George Perez, Comedian and actor, seen on the Joe Rogan Experience and MTV''s, "Yo Mama", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Indochino - Go to Indochino.com and use code "church" at checkout to get any premium suit for only $389 (thats 50% off the regular price for a made-to-measure premium suit) and shipping is free.  Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and get a $500 new driver bonus. Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 11/20/2016.  

This show is presented by On It. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Indochino. That's Indochino. Our listeners get any premium Indochino suit for just $389 at Indochino.com when you enter promo code church at checkout. That's a 50% off the regular price for made-to-measure premium suit. And shipping is free. Indotino.com slash church.

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It's Monday motherfucking morning. Here you go. It's Turkey Week, cock suckers. Get the gun. Tell the pilgrim you're showing up with a bigger dick than him. You're sitting at the head of the table, cock suckers.

Church of what's happening now? Monday to 21st. We're here, cock suckers. Here you go. Pool, to the boom. Taking it back deep into the murky water as a coeluz. This is Cosby's favorite song right here.

This was his anthem and shit He'd show up with a box of goodies Putting in a big smile on his face Yeah, let your shoulders bounce, cock suckers You're at the light, sitting there like a moot Looking around, let it hit you Bam, bam! Wiggle Lee, kiss this motherfucker

Kick that mulelea, kick it You ain't fucking around no more It's November cocksuckers, the devil is dead We killed that fucker Hit it, Lee Who's shit, What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's a beautiful day to be alive.

November 21st. I got my main man, George Perez in the house. My main man, Lee Syatt in the fucking house. I want to thank the people of Houston, Texas, and they come and take a festival. You guys showed up in a fucking tent in the rain like savages out there. And you like that little trick I pulled with the fucking smoke before the show. I went when the windiest place was I opened up the curtain. and I smoked the number in front of there

and the people I went came up to me after the world like people going oh my God he's close by I could smell the reef I was shocking because bro

whenever you go on stage it's like when you go to a concert you're standing there waiting for the band to go up even if it's a warm-up band and all of a sudden you're uncertain even though if you're high and you had a drink or two

but once you smell the marijuana you know you're at the right place yeah no no I've been there I like to smoke blunts a lot before mine sure but let everybody get the air. It's like the whole room gets cleansed. The spirits, the bad spirits go away.

This is the case of bad comic leaves bad spirits in that motherfucker. I want to congratulate Paula for passing her bar. It's very tough to pass on the first time. A Mexican woman making ways for herself, you understand me? She studied all summer. She totally no sucky-sucky. To pass the bar exam and shit. That's the only bar I want.

It was worth it. Apparently, like, only, like, 57% of people failed. So over half failed this time. It's usually close to 50-50. What's the plan now? Now the plan is her to look for. She's been working, but it's been not pro bono, but, like, stuff, like, so she can help around the office.

She wasn't really a lawyer. But now she can start doing, like, go to a law firm, and it's pretty crazy. Like, she has to do, like, community service first for, like, those probation hours? It wasn't really community. If she was getting paid, but it was like, it's like a, it's like a, a group that helps with mental health issues. It's not a state thing. Okay. But then the school, it's something weird.

It's something that the school does. So how old is Paul now? 26. So, now you go work for the prosecutor's office. You look up shit for a year. Okay. You look up different fucking statutes and shit. And then you move up one.

And now you're in there talking with them in the circle. they let the Mexican girl come in here. You know what I'm saying? Like, you've got to earn that chair. You know, it's tough enough being a woman. It might mean a woman of color in that fucking firm. You have to have a certain attitude. Those women to make it have to have, you ever watch Law & Order?

Whenever it's a black attorney, they don't fuck around. Hell, they can't fuck around. And they'll put La Migra on you right away. Don't say a fucking worry about black people. I'll put fucking ACLU on you, motherfucker. So it's really, you know, it's a great thing to see. you know like what paula did so it's five years around the court system prosecuting getting to meet judges clerks they're the ones who run shit yeah that's

a mean remember the clerk runs shit okay oh yeah when you go to court if you got a badass attorney that motherfucker'll get you on the docket you give them you give them that retainer watch that motherfucker go to work well they said I can't go to court for 72 hours now I'm gonna get you on the docket this morning let me call my assistant put them on the thing at 901 I want them out of here by lunchtime yeah You know, I'm going to set a bail. Look, if they're going to go for $25,000, I'm going to talk to the clerk. I play golf with the judge.

I'll tell the judge that you're a good kid. You don't have nothing else, nothing you need to hide, right? They always ask you, right? I've been there, you need to hide. Let me go in there. The bail is this. They how you for a fucking anklet, and there you are. You just don't learn that out of fucking law school.

That's a hustle. You know, the best attorneys I ever dealt with were the ones that did blow. We're the ones that were kind of crazy because they walked, the side of the fence when you have a tight stick up your ass like the guy that represented me for the kidnapping he was brilliant how much was the retainer on that that's a lot of fucking money it was 10 damn this is in the 70s this is 88 10 10th 29 anniversary it was the 10th it was a 30 29th anniversary on Friday I celebrated every year I call them and leave me a message you called me back three days later

Damn it. Oh, man. Yeah. I remember when I guess I got in a sentencing attorney. There's tournees now just for sentencing where they're like, hey, we'll make sure you get the less sentencing. And I did. He got the great bodily injury enhancement kicked off. And that's three years.

I gave him 10 Gs as well. Hey, you know what? You can pay your way out of those years. I gave him 10 up front, five before I got sentenced. Damn. And 2,500 when I got out to that. do all the community corrections paperwork and all that shit. Oh, yeah.

But this guy worked a miracle because, first off, he fought to get the nonviolent, to get, he fought real hard to get the violent thing off. He goes, if I can't get any violence, so he went through my police record, there was one thing when I was a kid that I actually went to court for. And how old were you? 18. I was 19. Fuck.

Disappeared. Disappeared. disappeared. Thank God from Lutberg in New Jersey where I came grew up at. The real sponge out. Just disappeared. Okay. So that was number one. Then he got a private investigator to go back to Jersey and investigate everything. I had to pay that motherfucker too like 10. Yeah. That's the real killer is the investigator because the investigator comes back with paperwork. And then he went and convinced them not to hit me with a violent crime of violence. Because when you do a crime of violence,

if you get nine years, you do eight and a half. Yeah, it's 85%. It's 85%. So he goes, no, let's get that switch. So he got me second-degree burglary, accessory to a felony, and there was something else. Probably something else.

What else that I get convicted of? Two of them, no, no, because I had two felonies. Aggraved, whatever was, second-degree burglary. Aggravate assault. accessory to a felony oh yes that's and that was the one that held me up a little bit so as soon as I got sentence I got four years but two days right in the system they tell you come here you're nonviolent yeah you're done you're the house bill 1,200 house bill 1200 cuts that sentence right in a half so four to 48 months

becomes 24 and you're eligible for a halfway house at 18 you don't get to go and a halfway house till 16 months so basically you did i did two my did a month in county which counts for two yeah those are double credit so i had 22 months to do right off the bat 90 first day as soon as we went to as soon as i got sentence he filed the motion reconsideration on 120 days so no matter what yeah i was okay i had vacuum even if the reconsideration failed he would so i went to work i I started writing the attorney letters. I started writing the judge letters. I'm at Canyon City, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

I just did this. I wrote that motherfucking judge a letter every week I was in jail, though. Wow. That turns their life around. Did they ever write you back? Yes. They do.

Yes. And then he not only wrote me back, but when I went to court for reconsideration, he spoke to me. And he spoke to me like a human being, and he said, listen, man, those letters meant the world. Handwritten letters. Every Friday night, he got him by Tuesday.

Yeah, it was the effort that you took. And it was like every three weeks, he'd write me a letter and say, thank you very much. I see that you're trying really hard, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, I could see the, I remember the one letter he wrote that he could see. I was trying real hard, but that I didn't address the main situation, which was coming to terms of what I had done. That's why you're sitting in that fucking barracks right now. And I accepted it. What are you going to do?

You got to write. In other words, you got to write letters, cuck, suckers. Yeah. Fuck. Hey, you know what's crazy is what you just said? I didn't know until this last case I took because the judge was like, I'm going to give you three years half time. I go to prison and then, you know, you got to see a counselor there. Your counselor breaks you down.

And she was like, no, you're doing 85%. So I wrote the judge and I said, hey, man, check this out. You told me this. They're telling me this. he wrote me back he goes hey man sorry about what I said but you're with them now and that was it I did my time

he wrote you back yeah he wrote me back and it was like a classy ass letter did you ever write him back and tell him thank you you should write them back yeah yeah because they always write those people back it's so weird how and then when they released me I took a couple months off I started fucking up in the halfway house and I still wrote

them letters once a month I just didn't mention the damage I was doing at the halfway house because for the probation violations they would never bring me in front of him they brought me to a different judge like this lower class yeah it's exactly really mentioned it i just talked about my job and i was trying to get back into see you and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and then something happened something fucking happened when i got out of the system i wrote him a letter when i got married i wrote him a letter oh i know i kept writing this due letters dog Fuck yeah, super pin pal.

But at the halfway house, I heard those are like prison parties. Like my friend's time, like, dog, you live in a bunk. It's you and your friend. And it's like, I say a room like this would be a bunk of, what, six people? Yeah.

Is it? Seven. Fuck. Seven in a two-bedroom apartment or three and a one-bedroom apartment. In Boulder on Canyon Boulevard, this is, you know,

I don't know if it's Canyon. I might be right. There probably is wrong. I'm thinking of Laurel Canyon. And it was an apartment building. I know Laurel Canyon. Okay, no, no, this isn't Laurel Canyon. This is Boulder.

It was an apartment building that the, it's a business, and people really need to understand that. Prisons are a business. Yes. Halfway houses are a business. So there was a group of people, three or four people that were the owners. And they had LCTC and BCTC. And they also had Boulder County Correctional Treatment Center. Okay, I got you.

Longmont Treatment Center. And what you did was it was a halfway house. So they rented the apartment buildings, right? They bought the buildings to the property. Then they got the state to fund them. To fund them and pay for the apartments. But guess what? They charge you.

Not a lot. They don't make you 75 bucks a week. Yeah, because you have to get a job. And like, I guess you get a shoulder check. You're not allowed out to you get a job. You're allowed out to get a job. Okay. You're allowed out.

Like, if you don't have a job. you're allowed out from 9 to 12 and you have three hours to list the places you went to how you got there show them the now you got to show them now you're dead if you're in the system right now you're dead because if you're in a halfway house I can't even imagine how they program yeah they got your social media well actually I do know how they do it because I remember I should do a before all this comedy shit I used to be a telemarketer I was that guy that would call you and try to sell you time sharing shit like hey I'm calling for Pacific more on You're on the Mustang. And they had those people doing telemarketing. They were like, oh, like we live in this halfway house. Like the company, they were in together. They were like, just give us all these people. We need them to make calls and we'll give them minimum wage.

And you guys can take your cut. It's fucking super business. It's a business. This place, it was 75 bucks a week, but you got food, like your own food, nothing healthy. frozen pizza, TV dinners, bread, really cheap ass salami and ham, really bad cheese. What area of town was it in?

I was just imagining... It was in a pretty decent part of Boulder. And where people freak out, what people look at you as you were coming in and out of it? They had a back entrance. They had like a glass window. And you walked in, they had to buzz you in. And then there was a bathroom right there

because if you opened up your folder to sign in, if there was a red dot on your phone, You had to pee. You had three hours to pee. What people don't understand is there's some people who could do time and get it over. I could do the time and get it over. Can I do 10 years? No.

Can I do 15 years? I don't think so. But to get like a short time, a short sentence, three, four years, two years, you could do that. A lot of people cannot make the adjustment to a halfway house because they're complete. It's harder. Different type of rule. Like I remember they would take them one person a day out of there. Yeah, and they didn't do anything bad They were somewhere they weren't supposed to be like a girlfriend's house

Yeah, they were caught driving You know little infractions they would send you back I've been very lucky I don't I haven't had any issues I've heard probation is us like a fucking son of a bitch like it depends what type of probation Formal informal informal Depends there's levels for what you do if I say listen if you're a fucking junkie and I go you listen you're gonna come in here once a month

I'm gonna get a piece of your hair you're dead you got two years you're pretty much dead you're gonna slip straight up with the hair you're gonna slip listen you have to leave and we've spoken about this years ago that you have to

when you're on probation and I did it guys I did it I did 14 months on probation and knock on wood because I was put on probation from was it informal or formal that you had to check in right oh fuck yeah yeah and I had a call the color on Monday Wednesdays and Fridays and if your color comes up you got three hours to show up but they put a warrant

out for your rest you know then I got out of the halfway house and I was on probation till 1991 yeah fuck I could never do that was till 94 guys oh so So what were the rules of your probation? My rules of my probation at this time, once I got out of county corrections, community corrections, there was three different levels. There was the prison system. Okay. Then there's community corrections, work release. Okay?

And then there's probation. Okay. So I was put on probation. At that time, I didn't have to piss. I had to write a letter Pay a fee $23 a month or something And it was pretty easy

Once I went on probation I didn't really get my problem It was all over after that Could you smoke weed They didn't piss me My attorney My attorney made it clear That's it

He made it clear no more He's not in He paid his dues That's it So I had no piss I was working at the car wash I was stealing I was feeding my family

and one day I bumped into this DA, I had known him for months. And I asked him what he did. He told me, I go, I'm on probation. He asked me for what? I told him. He goes, when I go back to my office, I'll take a look at it.

And about a week later, he goes, listen, have your attorney file a motion. I'll get your probation. Yeah. Dude, parole is worse. Parole is worse. That's when they come to your house.

Yeah, yeah. Unannounced. Yes. And it's like their mission to be like, hey, I'm going to try to get you. They tell you, I'm going to try to get you, dog. Look at the UFC now. Right with you saw it.

If you're in the UFC with Usada, you have to zone in and tell them where you're going to be at all times. What do you mean? Usada shows up in your house, dog. Is that the people that test for like that? Blood. Can you imagine you're out of fuck at the comedy store, about to go on stage?

And these motherfuckers show up for a blood test. I'm done. I got to quit. I can't handle that shit. There's tapes of everybody. The guy going into the shower with Tim Kennedy. Tim Kennedy came home sweaty. I want a piss test.

Can I go in the shower? You can't leave my eyesight. Yeah. They walked in the shower with him while Tim Kennedy was in there, washing him with the curtain opened. And then there was the fuck another incident, somebody else. Oh, Nick Diaz, they went to that motherfucker and crazy man's house at six.

They told him go fuck himself. He's going to sleep. It's crazy. I can't live on that. Unless you've done that type of living, and at first I I adjusted to the community corrections those motherfuckers would come to my house once a month and like like would they knock or like did they have the power to raid your house no they come and knock come in look around talk to my wife talk to me a little bit go in my office sit with me

let's go upstairs to your bedroom where's your office let me look at your desk they had the power to open up your desk or something I don't know what it was they didn't have the power to open anything up But if they smelled or saw anything suspicious, Yes, that's exactly it. And I remember one time me and two of my buddies, like I went to, I got my attorney, I gave my attorney like a grand. And I go in there and tell them I'm going to fucking San Francisco for five days.

And this motherfucker went in there and told them and I got five days off. Yeah, you got a five day pass. They asked me for everything, playing tickets, hotels. The plan was This is how fucking Coki and Fiend the I was I bought two tickets for San Francisco

I got hotel rooms for three of us And I had a friend of mine in San Francisco Go to that hotel And take the calls in my hotel room He was going to check in as me Bro was a horrible scam But for me to do what I wanted to do with my buddies We wanted to go to Aspen, rent the hotel room

And snort Coke Fuck. My buddies flew out from Jersey. I pick him up at the airport Monday at lunchtime. Wait, wait. So were you already in, you're already in Aspen? I'm already, I'm living in Boulder. So you told them you were in San Francisco.

Got it. I tell the probation officer that my friends are flying in. I'm going to bring them back to Boulder. We're going to get something to eat. And then we're going to drive back to Stapleton Airport at the time. This is way before the airport that's there now. And we're going to fly out to San Francisco around 8 to 6th. clock how long is that flight to san francisco in those days three hours we got there 11 or something

okay i don't know what time exactly that was the plan well let me tell you something guys we they come over i pick them up and their package is ginormous a big old like rock coke i'm talking two ounces of coke for three days damn you guys brought snow to the snow dog this motherfucker came in and we because it was two of my buddies one was very conservative but he snorted like all of us, but the other guy was just a wild man. He wasn't in my house two minutes. He was showing it to me.

It was two pieces. He broke it. We grinded it up. We started snorting. Do you know we're in there about a nine and a half talking? It is a door knock. It's my motherfucking probation officer. And it's you and three dudes in the room?

Two dudes. And we're upstairs. And he's knocking, knocking, knocking, knocking. And then about 20 minutes. He leaves and my phone rings. Oh, we're up. fucking paranoid. I'm busting. He catches me.

He gonna piss me. He kept calling me, calling me, calling the house. Then he left and I saw that he went up the corner and parked. And he took off. Me and my buddy's got that fucking rented car and took the fuck off. And he asked me what happened. And I told him that my friends got delayed. Oh, good. Yeah. As long as you show up late. That was it. I got away with it. He knew. Yeah.

When I got back on Sunday, because I got back on. Sunday to him I was getting back Sunday or something But I really got back on Friday And those guys were leaving Friday So that would give me a couple days to clean off And I wouldn't have to go see him on Monday It was something crazy

We were we were doing coke that I would have 72 hours to clean out Yeah and that would be sweating flushing I would drink fucking maylocks vinegar I drank a bottle of vinegar one time and still came up hot. Yeah? Light distilled vinegar with gatorade, dog.

Not even mixed. I would take a sip of the vinegar and then drink the fucking gatorade. You have no idea what I did for that shit. You have no idea. On a Monday morning, I would wake up and I'd call and it'd be my color. Oh.

And I would have to run and go on another water? I would have to run and go to the fucking safe way. and get and get fucking a bottle of white distilled vinegar the big one 32 ounces whatever that big one is

not the little one guys Yeah I know what you're talking about Open it up in my counter And I would stand over the fucking What's the sink? Yeah And I would drink a fucking blast of vinegar Which is didn't throw up ever

Sometimes then I drink the fucking Just thinking about it Oh my God Yeah And there's nothing in your piss to tell them that you just drank a bottle of vinegar? It doesn't matter. Listen, it doesn't matter.

I never passed it with that shit. I didn't start. I had to break the machine. I would put like pool cleaner. I would put pool cleaner in my turtleneck because I'm uncircised. Wait, if you need. Yeah, you got to put bleach or some bleach right there. Oh, you're dick.

Well, if you knew you were going to do that, why did you keep drinking the vinegar? Because at that time, everybody said that if you drank vinegar and cranberry juice, you would be coke. I drank vinegar, a thing of Gatorade of. a gallon of cranberry juice, a gallon of water. I mean, when I walked in there, my piss was negative water. Like, it was just, it was still clear in my system, and I still came back positive. Fuck.

It must have been like... That was one of the... Lee, just walking around knowing you're going to get a piss test. It's a horrible, horrible, horrible, and not like mailmen. Mailman might get tested, and they can go eight years without getting to. I'm talking about when you know you're gonna get tested once a week and whatever you do on Friday Is not gonna be out of your system by Monday morning and the more you get high on Friday

They're gonna catch on a Monday and it's always on a Monday because they know the weekend is where the real party Weekends at the real parties at So why even like is that why people won like I'm surprised if you know you're gonna get a hot test and go back to jail You're why do you even go in and do the test the piss test because you take a chance. I don't know how your probation, but I remember my pro officer would be like, look, dog, if you're going to get fucking high,

tell me. I don't need to do the paperwork. Are you going back in? You're working a little bit. They kind of were lenient with you if you were showing progress. They're like, all right, look, we're going to put you in a class.

I'm not going to lock you up. They weren't showing me no leniency because I was involved in a drug case. So they went after my drug use. I had to have to, they knew. So they were show a bleach dick. my God, you have no idea that things I did as a fiend in those days. My heel, it took my dick to heal like 10, 11 years.

Oh, my God. I had blotches on my helmet. I wouldn't even ask people to suck my dick. I would scared that they thought I was like a leper. I had pieces of skin missing off my helmet. It was disgusting for years. Was it like albino-ish? No, because I put Drano on my dick one time.

And I busted that fucking machine that time, and they knew. I busted that machine like three times. It didn't trust me. One time I put Drano and the thing was flowing, it was what Drano is the worst drug. It was a terrible two years for me, guys. Was it by your pisshole? You like, so did you put drain all?

Like, I know you're talking about, I'm not circumcised either. I put a piece of draino to cover my dick like, like Jesus. They put them in a cave with that rock in front of it. And then when he pushed it, that was the draino. That was the draino. That was how I would hide it. because they were starting to look at my dick. Yeah.

Like I would have to take my dick and show it to the probation office and go, see, I got nothing. Oh, fuck. Because there was a dude named Normulette. Storming Norman Ullette was a bad motherfucker. This guy was doing pounds of blow in his fucking halfway house room.

But he devised a thing where you got a hot water bottle to old school, what your mom used to wash a monkey once a month when he got, she got a period. It was a hot water bottle with a hose. He made a skinny hose. And he'd scots tape it to his dick. all the way down the bottom.

And when he had a piss, he had a device, and he'd sit there and I can't pee. And he'd be pumping his arm. And the piss would come out and he'd be clean all the time. Storm and Norman, he'd figure out of the way how to go in there with his jaw going. And let me tell you something else about Storm and Norman.

Storming Norman was one of the best car salesmen I ever saw in my life, dog. Storm and Norman could go into a store and cause havoc on a reels, like on a real basis. he worked with me for two months and I learned more for Storm and Norman and he wasn't a thief car salesman.

He was a very good car salesman. He just knew how to put you in a bind. What was his approach? Like put you in a bind or was he... Tell you that your car is a piece of shit. Tell you how bad it was going to last. Tell you what the value was on it, why it wasn't going to work out for you.

You're a nice person. You're a family. You got three kids. You can't count on that fucking car. And I don't want you to drive that car no more. Come on inside. I'm going to take care of you. Let me show you this car.

And meanwhile, every car he made a $1,000 a price. He was a great fucking sales phone. But he couldn't stay clean, Storm and Norman. Storm and Norman was worse than I was at that time. Storm and Norman made me look like a fucking choir boy. Yeah, I have some pretty crazy Coke stories, too, man, like the Coke buddies. But like being on jail, when you were in jail, were they doing blow? You know what?

I don't think so. I mean, I know they were, but that was one drug I didn't see because it's, Imagine being there fucking paranoid and you really can't do show. You can't leave your cell. It would suck. When I was locked up at every level, there was drugs. That's what really shocked me. And I never, ever, ever, because it was a scam and a half.

They called them matchbooks or something. So a matchbook of weed, which is basically two joints. Fuck that. It was 50 bucks and your wife had to put money on the guy's books before you got it. Coke for a little, little taste. The kids showed me once. It was two-tenths. It was $100 they charged.

It was good Coke. I didn't do it with him. I could just tell it was a nice little rock. It wasn't re-rocked. It was shiny. For what you paid $25 for, what were they, at three-tenths? He paid a hundred bucks. And he was telling me, he goes, it lasts me two weeks.

How? Yeah. And he goes, I do a little bump here and there. I'm like, fly at night, I jerk off. I watch TV, and I fucking roll over. over and go to bed. What are you thinking? The heroin was rampant. Oh, that's how you're in shittery. You know, and then the white dudes, like the supremacist and the guys that KKK and the bikers,

they were heavy into the speed. Oh, yeah. They were heavy into the speed. And they got it brought during visitation time through the mouth. I read this article about this dude who did acid in prison. That seems like it would not. I did acid in prison. Wow. Oh, my God. How was that? Tremendous. Oh, no. You recommend. Did or what? It was, I became friends

with the librarian. Oh, yeah, there's always a fucking free staff. The librarian had glasses. He was in there for murder, and his wife and the mailman.

This is some of the truth. He had 2,000 years. He had 2,000 years. He wasn't going nowhere, but they trusted him, so they put him in a camp. No. And he was a librarian.

He had like 10 years left, to be honest with you, and I was, wow. He had already done 15. If I was 27, he was 45. I'd love 27. No, he was a hippie.

He rolled his own cigarettes, and he was very intellectual. Oh, yeah. And I would go in there to read the paper after I'd wash dishes. In that stock room, I'd go in there and reap the paper. And he would talk to me from time to time. Then a couple people going to read the paper

and we'd have conversations. And me and him stuck together. He was from Buffalo. And one day, he told me he could get it. Because I do it all the time, man. because they can't test you for that. Yeah, well, I don't know what, yeah, they don't think they have to test you.

They're going to test your spine or something, but not to throw you off. See, I also figured out the rotation for my P test. What's called the rainbow test is very expensive. And the state gets sick and tired of paying for those. Okay, I bet by now you're paying for your own piss test. And that's killing motherfuckers.

No, they're not doing, like, what they're doing now is they're not even having you on parole anymore. more really you have like a probation officer now it's like over assigned but to the piss in the bottles they take your hand out here no uh you have to piss uh you don't even have to piss in front them no more really but you got a piss in that room a special room they got and you just take a piss and then they'll let you know by the end of the day if they're gonna come get you the secret of probation is not to go out at night yeah the temptation that's it that's it once you come to that conclusion that you could take your dog for a walk, meet your friend, and smoke a joint

your neighborhood, and go home and be in bed by nine and lift weights and read a book or watch TV because you have to get so into your job. That's how I did. I got so into my job and so into what I was doing. If I bought Coke, I bought it in the daytime. You follow I'm saying to you? I know exactly. I gave myself a reason to go out at night.

If you go to a bar 20 times eventually something's going to happen one night When the cops come there you are They take your name in the report A month later your probation officer calls you and says why were you at that bar That's it might take 30 days it might take 60 days But eventually all these little things add up you know what I'm saying You go to a party where there's fucking known people and there's a fist fight There's so many easy ways to trip up

You go home, get into an argument with your wife. The cops call the neighbor. The neighbors call the cops. You're going to jail. There's dose. It's such a fine fucking line today. If you have any police contact, you have to report it within 24 hours to your parole officer. A, I've seen this cop I got put over.

This is his name. And then boom. For me, not leaving the house, like it would be annoying to not be able to leave the house tonight, but it wouldn't be a big deal. Who the fuck are you kidding? Is it front? Who the fuck are you kidding? You'd fucking get food shipped in.

You would shower at night maybe. You would sit there, come out, looked around the sun and go, not for me today. If you could edit from the house and not leave your house lane, I would worry about you. You wouldn't even,

never see the sun. He would get food delivered all three meals. You think I'm kidding? Is he one of those guys who gets his fucking food delivered? And he won't leave that fucking house if you let him. When I first met him, he got grubhub,

the other shit. Some dude delivering your food, you know, get him. The Utah today, like some fucking bum delivers my food. He's in a car. You don't deliver it either? Not anything. I let those Italians deliver. They deliver it right to my fucking door, and it's the same guy every time. I have what's up, buddy? How are you? Great to see you. You got the insalada. Fuck yeah, I got the insolada. Look at the fucking size of me.

Man, you know what I had, speaking of food, you know, you remember soapest? Fuck, yeah. Oh, my God. Where did you have, man? Hawaiian gardens. Old ladies, like paisas, like, like, mantel only, and they don't, there's more white people there than Mexicans. Eating the food. It's legit.

That's what keeps the fucking lights on. Yeah. It keeps the lights on. Pedro and his eight kids, they come in for fucking toastas. And everybody goes, oh. Yeah. It's the white people that like eating guts and tripas and fucking. tongue and they have all that

this culture oh my god Juanita she's been our wait just for years now you know what kind of like trips me out is like the Mexicans will treat their whites better than you because they're like hey dog you're gonna keep coming here if these fools give us a bad

review we're gonna get shut down and notice like when I go to like Thursday one Taco Love right by the La Factory they brush the street yeah they treat me like shit there and it's a trip are they any good that rest of

sucks I just wanted to try it out I heard it sucks yeah how about the other one you go the other one on sunset across from uh that one used to be very good I think I know you're talking about and they have the fancy ass plates that are real heavy this is no this is a cross from where balushi killed himself oh and Richard prior on sunset Boulevard right there when you make the turn on sunset there's a billboard and it's right before pink dot is it by ping down no it's on the other side oh you're coming from laurel canyon You make a right to go to the comedy store. There's that mall right there with a Kung Fu school and the McDonald's on the corner. Yeah.

Okay, you keep going. 20 yards is a liquor store on the right. You keep going. Now there's a bank on the left. You keep going and there's a little Mexican hut right there. I'd never been there. Okay. They're great.

Yeah? But it's $30. Oh, my God. They got these fucking potato and like a thing with the sauce on it. Jesus fucking. For 30 fucking dollars. No, no, no, but it's like, it's two people. Okay.

It's me, you, if we get, you know, an appetizer, a small, and the special, like three tacos, rice and beans, and a soda, you know. You get that in the hood for $10. Where I live, it's like the tacos are a dollar, and you can get eight tacos, and they give you the avocado. Like the lemon, they grow them in their backyard. Eight bucks, dollar for Horchata. That's nine bucks for like two people.

I love where I live. I live like on the border of Orange County, L.A. So the food is ridiculous. I'm lucky. I mean, everybody has good food everywhere, but I can't give it up to the Hollywood Boulevard or sunset food. It's too expensive and they don't treat you right. Joe's on Hollywood Boulevard is good, the pizza joint.

There's a little mess. I've been there. There's a little Spanish fucking Honduran. El Salvador family that owns a juice stand. They've been there. They've been in Hollywood, bro, since I moved here. I've been eating there for 20 years. I'd go in there when I was all cooked out the next morning.

They make pink clouds, milk with whatever, a little bit of honey. They make love to natural fruit. And then they make four types of sandwiches. They make a tuna on whole wheat. They make a fucking turkey, right? Lee, I'm taking you there. I've gone there. Chicken salad.

Oh, it's delicious. Have you ever had salt? Pesley? Oh yeah, I've had I've had all that because of Paula And I've talked to people And I know there's some great fancy Mexican food and I haven't I haven't tried like I haven't tried fancy

But my problem with the other like Not even El Dorito because that's even too That's horrible. That's horrible. That's horrible. Any sort of Mexican restaurant That's like tries to be too fancy I don't I don't like it It's just it doesn't seem

I'm an Alcapulco type of motherfucker Yeah, I can't The water's Silver Lake, I'll go there. I haven't been there. I've got to say five fucking years. But the lunch special that Acapulco, like on Tuesdays, it's basic. Cheese enchiladas, some rice. They got a great fucking soup there.

They got desserts. I don't touch the desserts. I like Mexican food, but I'll tell you what, I do not like when they turn a simple menu into an expensive menu. Yeah. That's what gets under my craws sometimes. If you want to charge me that, you better justify it.

It better be that good. Like you said, they're dollar tacos. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Black beans and rice, whatever. Yeah. Cooked bean, what are they called them, pre-fried? Yeah.

And rice, three dollars for the whole fucking dish. And it's a dish that can kill a mule. You know? They give you extra tortillas, you know. But then you go on to someplace and they want to charge you 1895 for that fucking plate with three little pieces of meat and whatever.

that's you know and listen it's everybody has their own taste that's uh yeah that's the beauty of this george prez you've been on the fucking podcast tale lately i ain't fucking around dog and i'm adam carola yeah that was crazy that was fucking crazy they just called you out of the blue uh yeah well this guy named i'm doing the mangria tour i adam carola has a i p a beer and he has mangria and they're doing a tour with their band and they like me and redband So they called us up there And last time we did the tour Red Band got to go on Corolla

But this time You know a man Dr. Drew was there What did he say? He didn't say shit to me man But I could tell He wanted to like to hug me or something You can't stop snorting

I can't stop snorting I got a friend I just I don't know It was a trip I had to play with his head doctor Dr Drew Dr. Drew haven't done drugs in two weeks But I'm dying to snort a fucking kilo

Right now I'm about to call some of the Sunday I had to drop off a fucking kilo and a half. And a backpack. You're really making it work for yourself, my friend. Hey, man, I'm taking your advice. I'm grinding and I'm going to take it to the next level as far as, but I'm, dude, I see, hey, Joey, man, I remember you're the first one of our generation,

you're like, but you know what I'm talking about. You're the first one to go into podcasting that I followed for, and you and Lee are killing it, dog. We're trying. Yeah, now you're killing it, dog. That's why we have you on it. We love it. I was at a birthday party today, and I was like,

fuck, yeah, I'm coming. It's amazing what the platform for podcast has become. I know a lot of people now, when I go to shows, I talk to a lot of people after the shows, they all talk to me about the different podcasts they listen to. And it's really interesting that this is it. This is the next medium. I don't know how long will last.

Me and Leah and this thing, to the fucking wheels fall off. Because I don't give a fuck about the money. You know what I'm saying? We'll make it work one way or another. This is just really getting what you believe in out, letting people know who the fuck you are from the inside out. That's the most important thing.

People call me up all the time they go, I'm trying to put together a podcast. It's really funny. You know what? There's a lot of funny out there. Maybe people want you to tell them are funny with a story or how you got there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Whatever. This has become more intimate now. Entertainment has become more intimate. Yeah, they don't know what you're doing or what your upbringing as far as, right? Anything. Listen, man, the most important. I was always raised to believe, and if I believed it for a while, everybody believed it. Everybody is raised to believe that these so-called celebrities are better than you.

That somehow they drink a certain milk. That's better than you. That somehow they were raised better than you or something like that. And I don't know, I always felt that that was such a bullshit story. When people call me a celebrity because I've been in movies, I get pissed off. I'm a dirty comedian, bro. I got to a movie because I saw a breakdown. I said, you know, I needed Coke money.

If you notice, since I stopped snorting Coke, I don't really want to be in the movies no more. When I was doing Coke, I want to be in the movies because I wanted that fucking scale money. You know, I want 10 days on your movie set at fucking... scale plus 20 hours all the time yeah now I don't want to do dick I want to do stand up and I want to come through the podcast with my little Jewish friend over there what's the next Jewish holiday brother probably I think a couple weeks right I don't know it starts Christmas Eve this year it's late it's late yeah yeah I was just thinking about it's I don't know you're gonna bust out the black suit and the

fucking codfish liver I didn't know what you're gonna do I'm gonna Hanukkah is pretty cool it's eight nights I'm looking forward to it so talk to me by your in a Pismo Beach. Oh, dude, it's great. How was the hotel room? Hotel room was a little janky. I'm going to be very honest with you. A little janky.

What's janky mean? They didn't. It was nice, but like, not really. Like, they didn't really take care of it. It was weird. My girlfriend was laughing. The housekeepers were white, and they were loud as fuck in the mornings. Yeah, they had, like, walking up and down the halls.

The free breakfast was terrible. Like, the eggs, the scrambled eggs, tasted like they were, like they made hard-boiled eggs and just chopped them up and then and then like the waffle mix was sour so we said fuck that uh but though the bed bed was nice it was a great area but there was no traffic there it was amazing it was the beach the beach was right there we we saw a seal just out there was fucking cool uh we went the butterfly thing was that was kind of cool it kind of freaked me out because there were like i think they said 25 000 butterflies and they kind of like cling onto each other and make a little bug grenades.

I don't like that. But yeah, last night we went and got two steak. We got two ribbyes. And yeah, it was just that's, I just saw it. Did dessert last night? Fuck, yeah, we got dessert.

What did you get, though? Oh, fuck, what was it? It was like a toasted marshmallow thing. Like, they toasted a marshmallow over, like, this ice cream thing. It was like ice cream on, like, a little piece of cake. Oh, my God. This guy's a fucking savage, ain't he? That's a super meal.

He's a bad motherfucker. He don't stop. He don't stop this poor kid. No, you can't stop. He can't stop. They threw him off the fucking zip line. We talked about that. He showed up to zip line.

They took one look at that savage. And they're like, listen, they're going to work out for you. First of all, they said, don't start, please. Don't even buy. I got the whole story from a confidential source. You let to put the brakes on. You almost took down 10 people. No wonder they want out of business.

They got 10 insurance claims. They threw them up. They wrote them up. I don't know. They're scam artists. Like, Ken Zipline and I will zip wine again. No, you will not. I will zip wine.

Nobody will fucking let you. He's on the 86 list? Yeah. No, I'm not on the 86 list. He's on the 86 list. I could have paid another $200 to try again, but fuck that. You know you couldn't pay $2 an ounce? You know why I had to pay $2 an hour for insurance.

That's why. It was $150 for you to go down that fucking rope. because you know what the chances of you breaking it the same chances of me breaking it high they don't make they're used to skinny people 160 170 that's who's crazy enough the zip line you and me show up

two little fucking gorillas that rope is going down and they're scared you scare people if I'm on the line and I see you or you see me you don't need that in your life it's worth than cliffhanger you might as well drop

your fucking wife it's over this fucking galook is getting on that Think about reality Lee. You're a skinny guy. You weigh 150 pounds with a steak in your pocket. And all of a sudden I'm ziplining with my little retarded helmet on. And I'm trying to get momentum. And I look up on top and you're the next.

You're coming down behind me. What do you think that does to you? Well, they're not still on the line. They don't stay. What line? You're not even going to go down like a fucking... Listen, if I... Across the street, there's 50 fucking floors.

If I take a rock and throw it off the top, by the time that gets to the bottom, it's a miss. George yeah that'll go right through your head and come out through your fucking yeah that's like you I see you I'm on the bottom trying to get momentum I see you get on that fucking rope are you kidding me I'll just jump off I'll just take my helmet and let go I don't need this in my eyes well I wouldn't like you to know I'm very graceful on the zip line what graceful I yeah wow at camp that's how that's how that's how I roll listen I got to stop the Superman yeah I could do so you can't

stop you couldn't I couldn't start I they gave me one shot that the what do you know that's all you need No, we... What happens if you're coming down on top of three kids? They usually have... Doing 82 miles an hour. They don't leave them hanging there, like, to, like, pinballs to get hit. Yes, they do, because you're going to be fast than anybody else.

I went through the training. They take... What training? I don't know. The high school kid took us through this thing. You stand on the little platform? Is there virtual reality training? No, it's not virtual reality.

I'm a heartened-trained zipliner, but I just didn't pass. I just didn't pass. But you're 86. I'm out 86. He's 86. He's 86. Zip-Rip-List. He has to group on with an identity.

He has to identity theft to go fucking Zipwling. Oh, my God. This poor bastard. He's got to go to fucking Alvarado Park down there. Joe, you might get some male saying you're going zip line. Just give it to me. I don't go ziplining. I wouldn't do that shit either, and I'm skinny.

Unbelievable the shit I got to live with. These are the calls I get. Every week I get a new call. I would have got this call this week. I'm going to look at butterflies. I just hang up. I can't take that in my life. 28 years old going to look at butterflies.

You say I got to live with... I sat through a butterfly lecture. I know you did. I know you. It was a goddamn shame. Were they playing that song? Goodbye horses? No, there was no songs.

It was real creepy. It was just, there was too many bugs? Was there like a following there too? Was there other people looking at these? Yeah, it's a state park. They go to that same place every year.

I've been to order those up there. I ain't never been on the butterfly. I also went to the one down here in downtown with the butterfly. I think the baby. Okay. Yeah, go in there and you walk around like a mortadale.

You look at the house. fucking butterflies. But this was just out in the open. This is just out in the open. And they're out in the open. Flapping around? Yeah. Well, yeah, there was no nets.

Like, where I grew up, they used to have like a butterfly zone. I never went in because I don't like fucking bugs. But it was like inside a building. This is just out in the open. They just go to that same place every year. It's fucked. They're fucking smart. But what do you mean a net?

Like a butterfly net? Like SpongeBob? There's no nets. There's nothing. There's just, well, like, there's no enclosure to keep them in. Oh, they just take off when they want? Yeah, well, they're just, they, they hibernate during the winter. They come here.

These are the Western monarchs. This is like a ghetto, uh, nature life channel. He's like, they just come, dog. Yeah, they come from Nevada. They come from Arizona. They come from Oregon. And, uh, so it's kind of like the salmon. Did you go to the movies last night?

No, we didn't go. How come? We just wanted to eat dinner. We wanted to eat the steak. It was fucking, uh, nothing really that big. It was a new Harry Potter movie, so we'll see it some other time. It's a prequel, correct? Kind of.

It's a way for her to make another $2 billion before she retires. It's not, it's just really, it's New York, like, I think it said, like 70 years before Harry Potter or something. It's recycling all this movie shit. With the stigma, not to me. I was never a stigma to enjoy it because I grew up around people that had gone away. and it was treated like somebody fucked up and was doing time. You know, I grew up around a couple that he would get locked up every two years for four fucking years. And she would get another lover.

And then when he'd get out of jail, they'd disappear and he'd go back with a husband until finally he killed them. And they had a Marcella. His name is Marcella, a black dude, a Cuban dude in Harlem. I was a kid when all this shit went down. So I understood it. So when somebody said to me, oh, my uncle and my... My cousin just come out of prison. It didn't really affect me, but I'm not like most people.

You know, with all the stigma that goes with that, like when you tell, like, if somebody went up to Lee and said, one of your big business partners with you, and an hour later, somebody called and said, hey, that guy just got out of the prison for kidnapping and watch yourself. Lee wouldn't take my calls no more, not because I'm a bad person, but just with the stigma that goes to being in prison.

Oh, yeah. with the stigma that goes with it, where you and me are in our lives, especially in comedy. I mean, it affects me all the time. I mean, people look at us.

Like, this isn't a tattoo shop that I have. I don't have tattoos from a tattoo shop. You know what I mean? It's that, you ever watch those movies when they got like the Cambodian gangsters? They got the boats and shit. Yeah,

that's how I feel when I look at those people. I feel like people look at me like, I'm like, Cambodians, but it's just like, bang, bang. I know when I first got out going to sell cars, how people handled me with like tender gloves for the first 60 days until I quit. I didn't like the treatment.

I wasn't selling cars. I was in shock still. When I got out on bail, when I got out on bail, I was still mentally shocked. And what happened, and I couldn't sell a car. I could move forward. So I went and I worked on a rental car. agency but i remember i went right from county jail on friday to work at this new place on monday the general manager was my friend he really liked me didn't care he was locked up at some time but i

remember how they treated me like they would whisper around me nobody really offering me donuts you know what i'm saying when they don't offer you donuts you got a fucking problem yeah but then when i went to hurts those people were cool as shit you know they didn't give a fuck the chick up testifying for me. I'm a friend on Facebook and still talked with. She was a character witness. The dude, Rich, he was telling me, don't do the time dog. My brother

owns the fucking Hertz in Nicaragua. You go down there and live like the king and shit. Nobody will find you down there. And then the other dude, Brendan Corella, was the guy who got me the job. He testified and wrote letters to the judge for me. That was one of the best jobs I ever had. I hurts. And I was doing some

crazy shit there, George. Freaking with some freaks. I'd meet on the there because they had a garage but they had a back garage it is hurts the same shit that oj yes they were huge they were like the powerhouse of rental cars they're still huge i don't know if there's huge as what they well everyone's ubering now so they're not doing the rentals or i don't know well i know the uber business is cutting to everybody's lunch but there's people that want to drive themselves and when you get off a fucking plane you know i don't know i don't know how i feel about that listen I would right now at this point in my life I would if I knew somebody in

each town that was very cool and I could trust one person I would use them and I would do more but do you bring and all this stuff you know Lee and I went to Boston a few weeks ago we had taken hour and a half drive the one night on the way home that motherfucker was doing a hundred no way he got oh that motherfucker got his home though by midnight you got you got to tip him next to 20 he risked his ticket shift Chris. The guy there was the speed limit. The guy back, he did fucking 100. Wow. I took my first Uber by myself ever last night just to another bar and it was like weird. Like I felt like man, if we get pulled over, I don't know. I was like this guy doesn't know what to do. Like I

couldn't smoke in the car. I couldn't do what I wanted to do. It was I didn't it wasn't a good experience for me and this was just five minutes yesterday was my friend's birthday turned 39 no 40 and we've known each other since elementary we got fucked up everybody went back to our our old original town orange we got fucked up yesterday i moved it a couple times and i lived it a couple times both of them had been remarkable i was in shock how fast it was and the price Um, I like it. I don't know about the airport one. You got to wait on the line.

And all that shit, they can't drop you off. I don't like drama. Yeah. Especially at the fucking airport. Don't drama me up. Where's the taxi scan out? And don't make me two miles away. It better be out here right now.

It's not bad. It's drama for the drivers. But for you, it's not bad. They'll drop you off. And to pick up, you just have to go upstairs to, uh, to barters. It was weird. to me because like like how you said that stigma like they were giving me to look like hey you know we don't got no money you can't rob us right like it was just weird it was it was like a 60 year old man

and it was just fucking weird for me and i was drunk i was fucked up so maybe that was it too think about this right now if you had a family and you had a full-time job and on saturdays and sundays you could just get your car keep it clean put some waters back there a couple candies some business cards and just give people ubers all fucking day and make 300 a day each day that's 2400 extra a month for you that's a real problem in your fucking car think about that right now the same thing with lift you know Lyft sponsors the podcast you know why I think it's a great opportunity I really is if you're a young man right now you're not working you know many times I've asked all yeah I was and Lyft drivers why do you have this

there's either students, a guy with a family, or people that can't find a fucking job. There's really, if you have a car now, there's really no reason to be unemployed. And the great thing about all these companies, there are that even,

let's say you don't have a car, like they're financing, helping you get cars. Or you can just lease a car from like a rental place. It's pretty cool. So it's, no, I mean, it's cool.

It was just weird for me. It would just because by myself Just by myself Would you feel better in a cab? No, fuck, no,

I'd never do that. I'd rather drive in like wrist This is some stupid I'm not fooled I when I'm drunk I fucking drive I can't do that George

But I don't Yeah, all right My bad Can't do that my brother Never never never You know As crazy as I used to get

And shit George You want me to tell you something George I can look at the judge In line I can look at a cop and tell you a story and a half if I had one cocktail in me and I'm driving home and I'd see a police car

my system would go crazy oh now I can have an eight ball on the car be completely straight to see a cop and act like Al Capone I even take my seatbelt off in front of them just to give him a reason to pull me you know what I'm saying yeah when you pull up to a cop and you're holding you got to be loose jack oh look at them up the window look around as soon they know They know how to judge a person with a fucking body in the trunk. They know the whole... I look right at him. I look right at him.

I giggle. I cut in front of him a little bit, especially now. I got nothing to hide now. Now I fuck him. Today I did it. I was going to the weed store today and some dude was there. At the light by whatever the fuck that is in Studio City. And at the light, I stopped.

And I even looked at him. And right while he was looking at me, I moved up a little bit. I had my seatbelt on. There ain't nothing in this fucking car. I got no warrants. I got no wants. I got nothing. You can pull me over and break my boss for what?

Are you just bored during the day or something? Why would you do that to yourself? Because I don't listen. I don't break the speed limit. Oh my God. But you know why, Lee? Because for years, I would have something in the car and I had to act like a half a fang.

Like I was having a nervous breakdown. Now, I remember being in the car with my friend Jody and getting pulled over in Houston. And she said to me, give me the Coke. I'll stick it in my pussy. Straight up. That fucking cop. That Coke was all pussyed up when I took.

that aluminum I had aluminum four I had a bendal I had a baggie she stuck it on her little snatch who gives a fuck you know I because there was a lot of times I had done a line at nine o'clock and now it's three in the morning and I'm fucking driving I used to cop in silver lake and I used to live in Hollywood I remember and I remember one night driving back from Silver Lake dog on sunset I thought I was gonna die that's the worst I wasn't one of those people that could snort and fucking drive and drink and driving. Here's the problem with drinking and driving, George, that I don't like. There's 60 different angles, and you know that they all attack you all at once.

But the most important one, you lose your license, I can't do nothing with you. I can't count on you. No, that's a real talk. I can't count on you. And at this position in your life and who you are, can't lose your license. No, I don't do it no more. I used to be a soldier and do it. No.

Dog, like I said, one that I did it, maybe 25 years ago, I got home and that was it. I said, that'll never happen again. That's it. That game will never happen ever again. You parked in the neighbor's garage? No, I lost my mind. I couldn't handle the pressure. That's the one time I could not believe that I could not handle pressure.

If I'm in a car and I have two drinks and there's a cop, a delight, going in an opposite direction of me, not even thinking about me, my leg will go crazy. I start getting dizzy. My breathing gets harm. If the cop pulls over, he'll know that there's something wrong with me by the hyperventilation. Now, do you know how many nights?

I was at the same line I'm talking about on what's the street? If you're drunk, you drive on, Kennison said in his act, don't drive on sunset, drive on fountain. Yeah. Okay. Now,

I remember one night having a drink and being in the passenger side and that person I was with was drinking and seeing a cop at the same corner and I lost my mind. Like that's how much it affects my alcohol system. Don't get me wrong. There was a couple bumps in my pocket

and I had a couple bumps in my nose. I wasn't even driving, but I almost fell apart. Now, do you know how many times I've been at that light on other nights when I was by myself? No cocktails in me, no reaffir in my pocket, a license, everything's clean. And at that same light I'm talking about, I would take a gram a blow out of my,

I would, when I cop it, I cop right there on Fountain and three blocks before Fountain in LaBreya. I know exactly what. Fountain Highland. Where's the fucking sandwich place with the French fries? Yeah, right then Fountain in Highland. Fountain in Highland. Right there's a gas station and there's nothing.

I could swear to my mother, I could swear to mercy. but I did this at least 300 times because when you pull out of my old dealer's house and you made it right, that's how I got home. So I wouldn't make a right. By the time I made that right, George, the gram I picked up was already crumbled. As soon as I got in the car,

I would look around, I would be straight as an arrow. But I knew if a cop pulled up, I had an alibi, he would always give me a CD or a movie or a cassette or a game. It was always something between us. And I always crushed the coke up real fine, and I cracked open the bendul so it was ready to go. So I would leave that right there. And right there, I would get a dollar bill, and I would roll it up, and I would fucking turn the car on, go up to the fountain, make it right, and head back to Highland.

Because I always knew that light was going to be red. If that light was green, ooh, would I get pissed off at? Why? Because I couldn't stop and do a palm. that light had to be red. I would do two miles an hour to make sure that light would be fucking red. Lee, how long do you know me?

You know, I live by the green. There's no red in my life. If it's yellow, I'm taking it. I'm taking a chance, beeping the whole time. Don't do it, cocksucker. Don't do it, cocksucker. But I would set that red light with one car behind me

and one car in front of me, two cars. I would look to my right to see he was in the gas station. And right there, at that same intersection, I would put a fucking dollar bill in that package, holding on to the thing, and I'd make believe I was going to sneeze, and I go, and I'd look at that package, and I'd do three quarters of the package right there. Just on the way home?

Right there at that. I'd save that last batch for after the first batch of paranoia, and the first jerk off, then I'd do that one to get me through the night. That's the second back to jerk off. But I also knew that at 1 o'clock, John would get off of work. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, there's another 20. Yeah, there was another 40.

I turned it to 18. I'll give you 22 tomorrow. Man, you know, I was talking to my friend the other day, and we used to tweak together, man. And he turned Christian. He's doing good, man. He's great. He's doing real good. And he was like, Adai.

You remember that one time we were all tweaked out? He told me that we're, I guess we were on speed. We were like a kickback. You know, kickback where girls do it with you. but people got money, so they're drinking. And he says that I was so tweaked out that if you know me, I grew myself a lot. He said that I was cutting my toenails in the living room.

And in my head, I was going, fuck, dog. I was lost. You know what I mean? Like you were the bar cutting your fingernails? No, I was at a party cutting my toenails in the living room where everyone was tweaking. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's the fucking, that beats Felipe's ordering spoons from room service. Dog.

That was tweaking is possibly to me now One of the biggest embarrassments Thank you. I feel the same way. Of my life. Yeah. What's tweaking? Okay, so right now, me, you, George, my friend here,

a beautiful miss. Melissa? Samantha. Samantha. Samantha. Right now, George shows up, and he brings seven. He has a quarter-round's coke in his pocket.

for sale, but he's got three and a half grams. And because we're his friends, it's 11 o'clock right now, 10 o'clock. He takes out a few lines and we do a few lines. And we got the refrigerator filled with beer. Hell yeah. It's 1043, whatever the fucking is. 9.43, right? What's a 10.03.

Now, right here we're friends. Paul is waiting for you. You got plans tomorrow at 9 a.m. You got the gym at 12. You got another podcast tomorrow at three. George has got an audition tomorrow at two. I have the baby tomorrow at nine. It doesn't matter.

George comes in. Takes on a few lines we do them. We drink a beer. He puts out three more lines out. We do that. We drink a beer. All of some, we look at each other and go, George, no more. Be like, come on, what the fuck.

I drove all the way from Orange County. We do another line of Coke. And now we're chatting. We're chatting. And next thing, you know, we look at the It's two o'clock, but there's six more lines of coke there. And he just took out that little hostage he was holding in this pocket. And he's not going to charge us for us.

We're family. He's got seven grams and there's two big rocks, one big brother and one little cousin. He knows in the back of his mind that Samantha wants that little rock. That's how they're going to rock and roll later on. So that goes in the side pocket, a little stash in this top little pocket up on top with a couple Xanax as he has in there. He probably has like an extra 10 Xanax in his pocket because that's how George runs in the collar in the collar right so next thing you know lee it's six in the morning

we have 10 beers left there was two cases in there that nobody's touched for a month there's 10 beers left you're figuring out how to get beer right now on the computer pa was blowing you up the only way we fucking open that door is for you to pee beside that this room is filled with cigarette smoke oh yeah Okay? I mean, it's just a horrible thing. And next thing you know, it's nine in the morning, and he still has half that rock in his pocket.

When we're not going nowhere, people are working around this, the sun is out, the birds are chirping, cars are pulling up, Terry's calling me, God knows, Paul is calling you, your mom is calling you, she wants to ask you a question. It's 10 o'clock.

And now your shirt is off, you're filled with sweat, you've been smoking cigarettes even though you don't smoke and you're looking out windows because you thought there was a cop out there when you went to pee there was a midget looking through the pee pole that's a complete different one that's the beginnings of it late

that's only the beginning of it that's the beginning of it then after about a year of that you get to the point when George comes over now and he does a line of Coke the first thing you do is get up and lock the door and then you check the windows and then pretty soon

you'll tell me you got to install a security camera outside and you'll sit here at night with the camera on watching doing coke with your pants down watching you pouring at the same time jerking off and watching the security camera and jerking off you're sweating you're drinking beer that's called tweaking i have this apartment in my complex who their windows are it look i don't know what they used but it looks like they just took wrapping paper and just went from all to all they just like the black wrapping paper something like that they just taped it they just papered up their windows. What are they doing in there?

God knows. Jesus, I want to know so bad. God knows, but they could just be people who don't like sunlight. Somebody sleeps in there. It could be that. But it becomes such a horrible feeling late. When it's 7 in the morning, your day is ruined. And now you've got to stop.

And guess what? You're not stopped until that last rock is gone. You got to keep alive. And you've already gone through four hours. of hiding. There comes a point where, like, one night I got together with this buddy of mine, and I brought an ounce in there. Beautiful cocaine.

It still cuts me like a knife. Georgia was shiny. It was 1,800 an ounce at that time. Damn. My deal was to pull an eight ball out and throw 10 grams in and sell it for 100 a piece and leaf rocks in there. Yeah.

You know, I would grind it up, but I'd leave rocks in there So a $100 gram is $100 gram, you know. And the powder was even good. And me and this knucklehead and my ex-wife go in there. And when I pull in, I'm not high. I swear to fuck on everything. I'm not high, George. But when I pull in there, I get out of the car.

And I knew there were people who were talking to me about trying to, I look up and I see one of the curtains open and closed, like the little things. Yeah. And that stays in the back of your mind. Straight up. It's so weird that that night as I was driving up there, I saw a cop double park. It didn't affect me.

But that stays in the back here, mindly. The window? First the car, then the window. So we both went in. We're laughing. His girlfriend was there. We're giggling. We take out this beautiful lounce.

We're giggling. We had this living room situation. There was a bathroom. And then there was his bedroom. And we started up, and that's where our safe was. Me and him shared that safe. So I'd put my coke up there at that time and then I moved it to a different safe because they knew Especially after that night

So we went in there All four of us were drinking giggling I whip out the ounce of Rue We do two three four lines This is one of the worst things ever Next thing you know me and this kid start going nuts You know we're working the fucking shades Wow

And he's from the south he's from North Carolina And he's like man there's somebody out there. And now I'm out there, you know. Yeah. And now, and in my world, if they're going to kick the door down, this coat can't be here. So either we got to snort this fucking soldier or we got to fucking throw it away. Well, guess what?

You know me, dog. I started snorting that thing, Lee, in lines that would kill a mule. And your heart starts fucking beating and you get more paranoid. And I'm looking around. I'm looking and I'm hallucinating. And I remember, I'll never forget. And at one point in the night, there's still a beautiful rock left and like fucking three grams of powder. And he yells because between the four of us, the Coke was so strong.

You could not. Nobody could do it. And I was doing quarter gram lines and still not killing this mule. Face was going. I'm hallucinating, right? Like I'm seeing things. And all of a sudden, this motherfucker yells, they got a dog. Dog, I run, I take that fucking Coke.

I open up that toilet. I throw that rock and I wash that thing and I flush that toilet I wait for it to come up I clean it off again and that was it now we're fucking high and nobody's kicking in the door

yeah there's not even a dog after an hour of us sweating now we want to coke there's no coke we're on our hands and knees getting little crumbles from the fucking floor stick up in your nose

looking at each other og carpet and I never forget the sun coming up and us finally opening up the door, that dog was a fire hydrant. Oh my God. It was a fire hydrant, but we were both so

high. We had hallucinated it was a dog. Where's Tony Bennett, Doug? I would never want to be around to pick up the I would never want you to tweet, Lee. I wouldn't want to either. That point of it gets

horrendously and painful. Especially when you dump 1,200 it down the toilet. You're like, what the fuck? How are you feeling, though? I'm pretty good. I'm good.

Do you want to keep it? Was that the most you've ever thrown down the drain? No. No? Oh, no. I tweeted a couple times to death, like, one time I smoked. The first time I really, really smoked crack.

Like it wasn't crack. It was free base at the time. And that's the stuff in the microwave? In my buddy, I was on probation. I had a piss on Monday. And that was the last night my friends were in town. They said, no, no, no, no. We're going to cook in the microwave.

We were in a hotel room in Boulder. And I took two hits of that. And I ran into the shower. And I wouldn't come out of the bathroom for two hours in the tub. And when I finally came out, I hid behind the bed. understandably yeah I was a grown man

I'd behind the bed until it wore off and then I joined them and played cards or whatever the fuck they were doing they were howling their minds are one night so when my buddies came from New York

that time they came on a Monday sorry I got a conender I'm so sorry that was the longest drive I held on that Monday

I'm on probation and the party was Tuesday and Wednesday in Aspen and then we were driving back Thursday and then we're going to get a hotel room close to the airport and leave early Friday morning. So I wouldn't have done Coke Friday, Saturday and Sunday. That was the plan. So I would have been clean for Monday. Okay. So we have so much coke.

These guys come out from Jersey and they have so much coke that we do it Tuesday and Wednesday. But Thursday night in this whole courtroom, they're like, no dog. I'll never forget this, Joyce. They had a balcony, like on the fourth floor. Did it have like a rail on it or was it? It had a rail. It was a beautiful balcony.

You open up and look onto the mountains and shit. And the airport was a mile away. I'll never forget that. They go, I came out of the bathroom and they said, we cooked it. And the microwave rub and take a hit. They were playing cards. Two of these idiots are playing cards.

And they give me the pipe. And I'm like, come on, give me a line. And I don't, no, try this. And I hadn't done this this 1982. I didn't smoke coke. I took two minutes of it. George, you went right to my head. I ran into the bathroom and I sat in the tub with the curtains drawn with the lights off for two hours.

Then I came out and I just hit behind the bed and would talk to them. And they go, come off from behind the bed. It was, you know, George, where does it take your mind when you get to that point? It takes you to the places you never knew you could come out and get. Now, I've been there. I mean, I never smoke rock. Not that I remember, but, man, I remember, like, you know, like, listening to you tell the story, I want to jump in, but it's so, like, fucking joy.

It's weird. Like, I used to do it. The same shit. And, like, the way you narrated tweaking right now. I was like, it's the same. And how loser is? You ever go look at yourself in the mirror and see what you see? I'm scared.

I get scared. George Lee, if we started doing Coke at 10 o'clock at night. When you come out of the mirror at four, you want to net a pee if you look at your face, it's the worst look you ever have on your face. You don't even want to look at the mirror. You don't even want to look at the mirror. You see everything bad about you. Like that's the worst feeling of the night.

All the bad shit that you never comes out of you is what you see. Addiction. Yeah. stupidity thoughts I'm a loser yeah everything that's in you at that point comes to the surface it's like

it's like fucking you don't even know who that person is and sometimes you cry and now you go do more coke after you cry you go do more fucking coke like an asshole that you are because I had done that before oh my God I lived it I would cry

and swear to God this is the last night I swear to God May God take my life. I'll never do Coke again after tonight. I'm going to fucking lose. I'm going to get my life together. I'm a regular at the comedy school. What does it matter with me?

And then I go into that living room and I finish that Coke off and jerk off eight more times. And then pass out. And before lunch, I'm already thinking, though, I've got to get another A ball. If I'm going to stop, I got to have a real party. I can't leave it like that. Yeah.

I'm got a gram and a half. If I'm going to stop, I got to say a Bon Voyage party. It was your mom. mind was really just playing a fucking game with you, man. I had to check myself because there became a time where people were like you know,

it's so hard to go to sleep when you're on good Coke. It's fucking hard. So I started making myself throw up because when you throw up, the Coke goes away too. I only needed to be up until that time. I was like, you know, it's 1 o'clock? I got to be responsible tomorrow. You know, you try to act like you cut corners.

So I used to make myself throw up and I will go to sleep. But then it started getting scary, man. This is the 90 in a row, the Thanksgiving at the table. I can say thank you for fucking not let me snor coke. No, dog. I never. Nine fucking years, George.

I know. I could never even think of this time. I never thought there was a life without doing blow. Like, I didn't. Right now, what I suffer from, like this post-traumatic shit, and I got to tell you, you know what it is? I figured it out this weekend. I was taking a shower.

Even at 18, I figured out, if you don't have blow, there's no reason to go out. I'm not lying to you guys. In high school, when I was a senior in high school, I had already in my mind. These girls are going to be there. These dudes are going there for one fucking reason. Straight up. So if I ain't got no coke, I don't have the advantage. I'm not a handsome dude

I gotta go on that sling with coat and lure them back to the apartment Al-a-Cosby and shit all fucked up and then when they get there show me your tits and then the next thing you know you got them upside down

and you put them coke rocks in their ass and the next week they're giving you a dirty looks at the ball like they don't know who you are and shit you forgot me straight up what happened that fucking freak show you did last Tuesday

what was that there's no love there but that was it in my mind I remember Friday night staying in because I had the money for the Coke. But what night should I go out? Friday and Saturday. You know, back to like

you telling me how like you were at the hotel and it almost got raided. Have you ever been in a place that's been raided? Like, or like around it? Like, I remember I was at a hotel because you know, all the hotel rooms are doing it too. You think it's just you. There's everyone's doing. I remember

there was a hotel room that got raided right by us. And it fucking shocked the shit. That was this little, what's the young hotel in Vegas that's hip where they used to have the heart rock? Yes. That's the fucking crazy one. That's the hotel where everybody's doing blow. And what you do is I've told people, if you're a lonely guy, that's the hotel for you.

You wait, professional. You got to be a professional. All right. If you want to be a fucking amateur, you can go out and jump up and down. If she's with six girls and I want to hit on Samantha, I'm not going to law from the five girls. there's one girl in there's going to go, no, Samantha, he's not for you. Remember what happened with Chuckie?

You know, there's always one lady who's going to spoil your night. Even though you like me, we work next to each other, I got an eight ball of blow. You know what I'm saying? There's been a while since you left the house. You know what I'm saying? You're trying to get your shit together.

It's very tough. So why would I go that, bro? I love when guys are like, wait, wait, this girl's going to go home. She's not going nowhere, bro. She's got three girls around her. She leaves. She's the first whore.

We got a lot. or two of them, and they don't like me. I'm the ugly ones, so I'm in no danger. So you're in no danger. If there was two good-looking guys, then both of them don't look bad, leaving, because at least one... I can't believe Samantha.

Yeah, but so did Gina. All right, let's go have a good time. Maybe you guys should go look for a fucking man. So you understand me? So what you do is, at the heart rock, is you go to bed nice and early. You got like a grandma blow, but you bring, like, two Xanaxers on Friday night.

You go to bed at 9. You watch, like, a family show something on ABC family bro you set that alarm for 3.30 a.m. That's when it cracks? You take a shower, you put on your fucking

Gino machete's shirt and you go right downstairs to the 24-hour cafe and watch the fucking bird come to the fucking cat. Oh yeah. You just make them believe you're reading the menu. And they'll come right up to you. Are you sitting here alone? All fucked up.

And right there at the table, they even are. What type of party is this? Do we have a future together? Are you waiting for somebody? Because I got to rock a Coke that looks like a pot. You said that Parmesan cheese to the table? You see that rock in there?

How it gets hard, I got a Coke rock bigger than that. Now, what do you want to do? You want to go home with a story? Or you want to go up to your room lonely with your six other loser buddies up there passed out with no shoes on? What do you want to do? And dog they fucking lure.

I'm not a good looking guy, and I didn't even have blow. But I saw the waitress there from whatever, and I lured her to the bedroom with aspirin. Because you always got to bring heart medication with you. That bare aspirin, the white shit, you grind that down, you snort that at 4 in the morning when you're drinking. You don't know what you're snorting. You got to be a professional, you know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. I could never go back to Dukes after that, D.

I remember we did snort that one time. It was like the burn of burns, huh? When did we snort that time? No, not me and you. I remember I did it. I've never done it with you. No, 2000? Yeah.

Because when we did whatever was 2007, 2006. We did it in 2006. It's hysterical because they paid me. They gave us a hotel room. I made it back from San Bernardino in 15 minutes. I was at the Whitley Caching Check on Hollywood Boulevard, cashing that $2,500. I went right to the drug dealers out.

You know, because there's different mood when you go to drug dealers house. Sometimes you have to go timid. Like, how are you doing? Yeah. What's the matter? I've had a rough day. Listen, let me get a gram. I only got $4,2.50.

I'll give me the other $17.50. Then he gives you a lecture. Yeah. Dog, you can't be doing this shit to me. I ain't no fucking bank, you know. Who you think? You know what you think? You're all clean. You go on there and give him the 60 for the G. note and you leave but when you got deep pocket shit you're going in there

telling him how shitty is cocaine limit you tell you I don't need this shit I'm doing you a favor all right give me the good shit from under the bed this this shit you sell the Puerto Ricans and shit right or wrong yeah when you walk into a drug dealer with deep pockets you're giving orders let me get a say this shit again go weigh this shit again have you ever seen the opening scene late put the fucking thing on put the fucking get the YouTube bread I got a George. What is it? What is it? Clicking King of New York opening

scene. Oh! Oh! I'm going to show you a masterpiece. This is how you show up to a drug dealer's house, okay? I'm going to show you something that nobody's ever seen before. If it was my world, this guy would have should have won. The Academy of Willey, what are we doing here? I'm doing it. Strike the computer up. I don't see

a screen. I don't see nothing. You're playing with my emotions. I got to see it so I can show it to you. I used to always show up to the drug dealers house with like Old-ass DVD. Oh, yeah. I used to show up with fucking sweatshirts and shit. Yo, man, I know you don't wear sides nine Jordan's dog, but somebody does.

All right. What's the reader from the top? For the bullet holes, welcome back, Frank. We got to get busy. King of New York jumps versus Tito. Yeah, that one. The first one. Whatever.

Here's for the bullet holes. Go for that one. I'm going to show you an education, ladies and gentlemen. This you never seen this? No. Click this on loudly. Oh yes, I have seen this. This is OG.

This is why he should win. This is why he's one of the best black actors working today. Lee, you never saw this? No. This is what I'm saying, but you got time to go watch. I was too young to understand this. This is an Academy Award winning presentation by Lawrence Fishburn in the beginning of King of New York.

Hit it, Lee. I got another one. Fuck, I look like Joe Neckbaum, man. one of my stronger qualities, you know what I'm saying? You fucking disrespect me, man. I guarantee the shit not the hell we're testing and let's get to the large plus 10%. Did he say 10%? Wait a minute, Tito, man. We had a deal, man. What's up?

What 10% you're talking about, man? Transportation, Coz, Amico. I got expenses. Well, take the train if you got expenses and transportation, man. Why you want to be greedy, Tito? You fuck the sucking greed. That's our price. No one else even talks to you. God damn motherfucking conios not take it or leave it.

Why you want to talk to me like that, man? Take it or leave it? Take it to leave it? I take it. Lawrence Fishburn. Because I like you, I'm gonna take it. Now watch, leave this Lee. That's about that, man.

Watch this. You're in power to you, though. You're in power. You're in power. He's complaining about not having a soda at first. That's how you walk into the drug dealers as when you got money. Watch this, Lee. Where's my soda?

Something for the bullet holes. Bullet holes, Kootie. That's Joey D. Early. That's what I was trying to be right there. Oh, my God. Watch this one. Watch this one, too? Watch this one, too.

This is the man playing fucking Frank White. Somebody here to see you. Is that Robin Given? No, that's the other black girl from the 80s. That was badass. Now, this is like the fucking best hotel in New York, Lee. All right, this is after they shoot whatever his name is, King Tito, whatever. But watching King of New York.

Damn, he's young. Look at the guy behind them. All these motherfuckers are still around. What's in the cup? Look at Obama in the left. It's Obama when he was an extra. There's some things I don't do. Bringing Kito's hat of something.

The dude on the left tried to rob him on the train. and he gives him a job. This is way before he danced on Saturday Night Live, dog. Congratulations, man. The Columbia motherfuckers, they took permanent vacation in hell, if you know what I mean. My feelings are dead. I feel no remorse.

Yo. It's a terrible thing. Yeah, I read in a gym, makes you feel like that, man. That's a beautiful fucking movie, Lee. You got to watch this. That's an old school. This is on HBO, like, and it goes on for like four months

and then they yank it you don't see it for five years but when you watch it every time it gets stronger you watch like 30 minutes here and then you go to bed then you come home one night it's on from that fucking part

you know it's pretty weird how it works out but I don't even know what we're talking about how's the edible hitting you go it's hitting me good right now my god this is tremendous those fucking we ate the chocolate ball those taffies were pretty good yeah the taffis are always good

Well, the taffies, but then what do we eat? The toffee things? That toffee thing, they sell them for $10. It's $250 milligrams. You know, when I go there sometimes, they give me 20, 30% on. So I just tell them, like, give me a couple things. Give me that. Give me this.

Give me that. It's like $100. Bang. I walk out of there. One day, I eat a Rice Krispy treat, which does nothing to me. I just like the flavor of it. And then about an hour later, I eat the fucking Krispy thing. And I go about about my.

day and about two o'clock George Perez I'm sitting somewhere and I'm hearing sirens and shit oh my God it's starting to go like I'm starting to fucking lose it this is it and finally I realized I had eaten that thing I was high burning for like three hours like I ate the whole bar and I was

burning the first time you eat an edible it's a different whatever part of the seed or whatever I don't fucking know yeah it's you're never been that high it's kind of we're bringing stars back Tomorrow we get the stars at 11 o'clock. Tomorrow night, we'll eat 10 stars apiece, me and him. That's 1,000 milligrams because each THC is different than those stars.

He did an experiment this weekend that I knew what he was going to tell me. I told him before he told me that we eat those things, those cushies. They're 200 milligrams, okay? Those 200 milligram four little glued things, they will fuck you up like a pill. But what's like the regular thing? Like what are you supposed to eat if you're new? 50 10 20 yeah what the fuck 30 40 50 maybe Vicki Pez's uh boyfriend ate 60 milligrams deal on that of chocolate

you should have seen him fell out or goofy no he just was he didn't know where he was he was there with us he was outside smoking like faking the funk I felt bad for him but not really he wasn't like you know passed out you know and the experiment you were saying is I had so what happened was I wanted a bunch of the 200s. They were out of them, so they sold me the hundreds for the same price. So I had three of the hundreds, and I got fucked them. Gone fucked up.

You got to get up and eat something. Yeah, that's the worst. That's the worst. You know, my wife bought those little sandwiches. You know, like you have ice cream sandwiches? Yeah. She bought the half ones for mercy. Okay. Doug. I ate ten of them. She woke up. She goes, there's rappers everywhere.

What happened? I said, you can't buy those things. I'm going to die it. I come in a 12 o'clock from two hours with Lee we eat fucking 20,000 milligrams and you want to get fucking ice cream sandwiches. I ate there. I got up, sat down, got upset. That was like a fucking yo-yo. And I finally took four of them out. Now you're committed. You know what I'm saying? I just finished the box. I just threw the whole box away. I'm thinking about my daughter now. In the morning, I got to go to Rouse and buy a box of these. I hope she didn't get them from Target. I got to go to their fucking victory. This hotel did have one of those little stores, though, with the candies. I didn't get it. any because I get paranoid when I get high. I don't want anyone to know. But how much money do you guys spend when you get stoned on the road at those hotel stores? Nothing. No, you don't do it?

Yeah, I'll go get some food. I avoid that thing downstairs. Yeah, me too. I'll get a water. I'll get a soda. The only thing I get to splurge on a Friday night, if I don't have to wake up Saturday, is trail mix. The peanut people make a little bag of trail mix.

and I take that upstairs to my room after I'm high and I eat those and I'm good for the night. Some hotels, they kill you with the chips and shit. You know, some hotels have real fucking food, which isn't bad, but you know what, man? It's a process for me. No, no, no, because the room service. Like, when we went to that place last week,

we were spent the night, that's 24-hour room service. Oh, at Foxwood? Yeah, that was 24-hour room service. and they got a tremendous menu at 3 in the morning. I'm talking on an open turkey sandwich. I looked at it. God damn, 24 hours. I get an open turkey sandwich, Vegas.

When we go to Vegas, that's 24-hour room service. You don't really have to eat shit. You get a salad at 4 in the morning, you know? I haven't been... If I watched you $85, but you're eating. Sorry about that. No, you're good. I'm fucking starving.

Right now. I go for like four potato tacos right now. If that motherfucker is open, we miss both of them, Lee. We can't even hit more park right now. Oh, Grasso, whatever fuck. They close on 11 on fucking the Lord's Day. With some taco-eat motherfuckers, me and Lee. They got to leave as an employer the month down the block on Burbank.

They took a picture of them when they had so many tacos. I had to get behind there and help out. They were busy on Taco Tuesday. And he knew exactly what they were doing. Oh, yeah, I know the order. Did you eat some tacos in Pismo Beach, there, Tazan? No, we didn't. We went to the place.

Let me tell you something. But I'm even telling you right now, and this is my witness, when you drive up to any of those towns and you pull over to get gas, there's always like a food truck. And you go up to that food truck, and you will get the best tacos you've ever had in your life. On the way to Visalia, the only thing about the gig was that like three exits up once you hit the 170 or the five.

It is the 170. Is it? No, it can't because it ends. It's the five. Once you're under five and head up north, like after four stops, you'll see a gas station and there's a little thing that sits next to it. It's well known.

You know who you got to ask? Darren Carter. Darren Carter lives at that place because I've had discussions with him about that taco place. Lee, fucking phenomenal. Any way you see Mexican farmers picking grapes and shit? Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

There's a taco stand. And those tacos are off the hook. You know why? Yes. Because they're selling to authentic Mexicans. They're not selling to fucking these Gentile Mexicans. They don't speak Spanish and shit and all that. They're up there with the real deal.

So they've got to show up with the real deal. You pull over. They're 50 cents. You'll die. You'll go, what the fuck? I mean, the cat. Joey better not find out. You go, you know what?

If it's a cat, I'm getting done of these motherfuckers. They're delicious. They're delicious. They're all where every route up there. I don't know exactly where. Because me and Maryland used to do the Ventura Club. Okay. Fifteen years ago, on Friday nights,

they would give us 100 bucks to drive to Ventura to do the gig. But 20 of that, bro? Taco. We would stop at a place right off the fucking thing that you thought you were going to get mugged in. It was like a beat-up gas station, three miles, not even. 200 yards down was like a little hut. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. And you didn't get sick? No. was impeccable cleanly clean I found a spot off the five in Indiana by comrades there you go there's a gas station and this family just they they live at the house next to the gas station and they got a kitchen I know you're gonna say it's a Yelp thing but we found it on Yelp but it's our new favorite Mexican place in the valley it's in the gas station which by the way is the stoner

heaven it has literally every snack you could ever Imagine, think of, or never thought of, every chip flavor, but this Mexican food restaurant is amazing. It's the best. We go there probably when we're home, we're in town, probably every Sunday. And what do you get? There's a carnage sada burrito, which I like. They have a California burrito, but that has fries. And they put bacon in that.

But you have to be careful with that one, because they put buffalo sauce on it. So you have to say no to that. You have to say no to that. I don't know these talking. I don't know these talking. I promise you. It's like a snack bar. Leave me alone.

Leave me a fuck. I'll miss you. It's good. Barbecue and bacon. You say I got to deal with. It's like fucking nightmare. And you know what sucks about this the worst? That his girlfriend is Mexican and she eats that shit.

No, it's good. I promise you. It's got bacon and fuck. What's he talking about? Can you please talk to him? It's good. I promise you. I'm not even fucking Mexican.

And I don't. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about buffalo sauce. What are you talking about, for Christ's sakes? I think it's called Cali Taco. Yeah, you're confused, dog. Please. Yeah. Please.

I know it's got cheese and that's why you like it. No, no. They put a ton of cheese. It's got to be cheese or French fries. There's got to be some fucking thing in there. Authentic. Please leave me alone. Please leave me alone.

Please leave me alone. Please, leave me alone already. Check it out. There's only one thing on Sherman Way. I've seen people there from the pon. Yeah, I know, I know. Other fucking morons. No, they're not.

They got barbecue fucking sauce. It's not barbecue sauce. Buffalo sauce. Okay, this is what I'm saying. And then it's in the white. And then when he's supposed to eat buffalo sauce, he gets barbecue on his wings. I don't get the bubble sauce on that burrito. This is what I'm talking about, though.

By the way. He goes to a place where they put buffalo sauce on burritos. I'm done. The counseling is done. He's on his own. He's done. It's just amazing what I got to. to live with.

I don't put it on all the burritos. No, I know. Just the thought that they put it on a burrito. Yeah. That's it. That's where the party ends. It's called salsa. Especially when you're Mexican.

You walk and then go, they put buffalo sauce on a burrito. Get in the car. And then you eat it. You get in the fucking car. What are you crazy? Yeah. No, don't buy a soda.

Get in the fucking car. This is what I'm dealing with, Doug. It's amazing. I feel you. There's not even like a two and two. Like, it don't even hit. I could take them to King. Taco I could take him

I'm saying King Taco as a general I could take them to fucking where Gabe Gilbert lives in Long Beach No Gilbert Escobel lives in Long Beach next to Delaware I'm not going to Long Beach I'll take you for Mexican food lead that your hair

will grow in front of you and this guy will go to that same dump the next day and eat after he just ate the best in the world he will lower down and go to a gas station and look me in the face and tell me it's a good place. We're talking about professional places here, Lee.

I promise you. People who sell food to Mexican people. There's Mexican people there. No, they're not. Not if they're putting buffalo sauce on the fucking top. They don't get that one. I know. We're just the thought that they have it.

It's like I said to you. If you come to my table and you bring ranch dressing with you, I get up. Either I get up or you got to get up. We're not in the same world. That's it. Well, they put bacon and one burrito. It's good. Dirty years.

I've never seen. bacon and a burrito. Never. Never in all my life. I lived in Colorado. I lived in fucking, but never in a burrito. Yeah, they do. And buffalo sauce. Never in a burrito. Never in all my life. And I've dealt with the prison Mexicans that they get the tacos sent in the burrito, not once. You know, they get stoned. Maybe we put it in our beans with bacon, hell can't. But not. Yes, but not. Yeah. So put those beans in that burrito. Leave me alone. No, it's a different. Leave me a little. I love this though. Like, he really thinks he's like, Hey, dog, I'm telling you, this is...

No, I promise you, it's good. Bro, two months ago, he wanted to start a business about magazine articles. It was called CNN. No, it's not. No, it's not. I'm not saying this idea because it's a good goddamn idea. I know.

No, no, no. This is... You know what he was trying to rob next issue. No. We do that venture, whatever it's called. He was trying to rob them and, you know, and he sat there for hours, and I'm like, you're college educated. This is every day.

This is every day. Love you, Leah. I love him to death. Hey, I'm going to try. that burrito now. No, you should try that britt of. You should try that britt.

I'll even walk in the fucking place. Go to that. Look it up on you on your way home. Look at him. He loves you. Of course I love yelp. A bunch of fucking mooks. The only place on Sherman Way is that place

where they sell the fucking hot beans. Yeah, and then you can't stop there and you can't park there. There's a line out the door all the time. You have to be prepared. You got to go there at 1101. Who wants to eat at 1101? You do because you've been smoking dope since eight. And you already worked out and you went home,

washed your pussy. I hate eating lunch at 118. I'm good. before the lunch crowd. You go to 1120 before the line comes at 12. You don't go at 12 when everybody else is there. You wait till 1.30 now.

Now you have a protein shake and you wait till 1 fucking 30. That's how normal fucking professionals eat. Okay? If not, I'm competing with 80 other guerrillas. Then you wonder why they put red sauce instead of green sauce. I go on there when it's nice and empty.

I don't want nobody hearing what I got to say. I'm the same way. I don't want nobody hearing what I want to say. I want lunch. I go at 1120. You ever go to Chinese restaurant 1120? They look at you weird. Like nobody else is here.

Yeah, I don't give a fuck. That's why I'm here, cocked sucker. They don't even have that. And from now on, I'm the new sheriff in town, 1120 to 1130. I'll be coming in here. And I want this fucking table right here. And they'll look at you like this motherfucker is for real. And that's the fresh batch.

You get the nice batch. It's the fresh fucking meat. It hasn't been sitting there all fucking day. That's how professionals are. Yeah, the vegetables is a guy. Because you get up at fucking six. You have a nice breakfast. You smoke 15 joints and by 11.

if you're a fucking normal, you're ready to eat your hand. By 11.15, you're like, I got 45 more minutes to wait. Why wait? Even if I had a job, I talked to boss into either going early or going at 1.30. What do you mean? Let's say I had a job. Lunch was 9 to 12 and 1 to 6. I'd pay a doctor 20 bucks to write me a note that said I had to eat at 11 because if not my blood sugar goes down.

It's some shit. You've got to be creative. Yeah, no, you do. Okay? You gotta be fucking, you can't be a moron, but you don't want to sit, you don't want to go to lunch with these eight morons and sit at the same table

and talk about your job all over again for a fucking hour. You want an hour to yourself. So you tell them you gotta go to 11 or you gotta go out one. If you gotta go at one, then you bring a snack. You bring a ham and cheese sandwich of 11

and you fucking eat it right there at your desk. A sandwich is not a snack? It's a snack, whatever. It holds you over. It holds you over. But the whole time you're thinking about that lunch special.

You're like, I can't wait to go in there and get the hot and sour soup with the fucking number two, with the egg roll, and the fucking noodles, and I'm going to get the pork fried rice today with the shrimp and lobster sauce, and then instead of the rainbow sherbet, today I'm getting the orange sherbet

because last time the rainbow sherbet was suspect. Hey, Joey, have you ever been to, like, an Asian restaurant that, like, you didn't like? I could, because I've been so good at reading them, it's very weird. The only places I've been taken is right here in this neighborhood. Oh, because everybody else says, go in there and try it out.

And you know what? These places probably have one or two really good dishes, but everything else below. I don't even trust the chicken at these places. Yeah. It's always got like it's always skinny, like it feels like cats. I pet my cats,

and I know what that skin feels like. I really do. I'm not trying to think you mean. Please don't say I'm eating cat. You've been eating cats and monsters and monkeys for years. That's why you're all clogged up and shit. I'm not clogged up.

Yes, you are. That's why the tushy don't work. Oh, Let's just your wrong. You know what I'm saying? I miss my tushy. I haven't even seen it yet. What's my,

what's a tushy? It's a bidet. Oh. But no, no. You eat up and down that Laurel can, that Thai food. You eat at the tacos with lizards. God knows.

You poison your dad. Paula ate bad fucking pork or shrimp. You guys just ain't. I'm poisoned nobody. You take shots at places that nobody else. I take shots at, a reasonable places. This is why,

because you listen to it. 100 reviews or more. I don't take nothing unless it's him. If he comes to me and goes, bro, me and my, me and Samantha went to this Cuban place and they make the thing how you like with the chorizo. That's who I listen to you. Yeah, I listen to you too.

And you listen to me. Yeah. You know, Felipe, anybody, I tell you, what's the best bang for your buck? I shorten it down. I take a long sentence. Yeah, but you don't like me. And it shortens down.

Hey, Felipe does know some dope spots. He knows, because he's been in the hood. He lived here. You listen to people like that. That's who I listen to. If I don't get a personal review from them, that restaurant will not exist in my fucking life. You remember that, like, John...

It was like a ghetto jamba juice by his house on Union and Temple. Like that... When he lived downtown. Yeah. Yes. That was... It was a Filipino dude. Oh, that fucking shit was bomb.

He knows. People know. You got to trust people who really know food. I need a skinny guy that he's fucking can. that he's fucking kale to tell me what's good. That's who's going to go on Yelp. I want a fat fuck. It's like when you go to a restaurant.

You see a skinny chef like he's got AIDS. I don't want to eat that. If he was so fucking good, he'd be eating his own food. Every chef you see is a fat fuck sweating, drinking beer behind the line. That's the chef I want. The guy that looks like he's about to have a heart attack, that's the chef that you want.

Right there, that's a motherfucker that's eating his own food. He believes in it. When you go to fucking Chick-fil-A, you don't see those people eating their own food. I was watching those people the other morning I heard that's good though Is it true? Chick-fil-A?

Yeah Maybe 20 fucking years ago now Okay I went one I went twice on sunset And both times I felt sick I had to take a shit right away

No no no no That's just shitty fucking food Yeah there was in Houston I got tacos But I sat there and watched The Chinese people at that place What's the popular one That has a chain

At all the places Panned Express Panned Express I don't fuck with that That rice looks a little petrified I got up and looked at it I fucked with their head a little bit Their noodles look like they're on speed.

I used to get the chicken egg rolls from them. Not bad to hold you over, but not a real egg roll. It breaks apart in your mouth. But when you're a fucking sap, you got to eat what you got to eat when you're 400 pounds. I eat that shit no more. Okay. So this weekend? No, didn't even touch it.

I want to eat Chinese food at that place. Well, they won't even let us in the door. That place by the sunset room. I don't know about that place, Joyce. They won't serve us. I know, but I think it's that good. They don't give a fuck about us. No, they're playing cards in the back.

They're gambling in the back, and they're probably stabbing ten Chinese people in the back that don't pay their debt. That's why. Every time you go over there, that was one of my all-time favorite rooms. I always wished, in my perverted comedy mind, that the sunset room would become this thing.

Like a 200-seater with that bar, with that stage. Yeah. I could see an HBO special getting shot. out there. Because it has that like lava style. Like, you can tell. I really believe in that place on Monday nights, but he had no respect for comedy.

And that pissed me off. Yeah. Max. It was a cash register thing for him. And even when there was people in there because of the comedy, he wasn't happy. He wasn't happy.

You know, he would give you a plate of fried fucking food that tasted like fucking the bartender had it in her ass. And the Monday night, the girl had no personality. She wouldn't talk to you. Remember, she was going. good looking she had a blonde streak in the head oh yeah she was weird weird as

fuck wouldn't communicate with you could tip her a five a ten wouldn't communicate with you but i still believed in the place but it was across the street from a kentucky fried chicken biggest bucket in the world 30 yards from a donut place that was delicious yeah the donuts from point 30 yards from a chinese place that would not cater to us when we went there at night they would make believe they only spoke Chinese in the restaurant was closed but the place would be surrounded pack cars and there would be not one person eating at the restaurant Lee so what were they in the back gambling playing cards killing people whatever the fuck they do on Tuesday Wednesdays and Monday nights the Chinese I don't

fucking though I don't do you ever play pool and hustle like that I played pool I was terrible Paul beat me all three times My mother had a bar And when she cut the kitchen out They put a pool table And that I was about the age of six And I started fucking around

They cut the kitchen out They're not selling food No more food no more I was too much And my mom got a pool table And I was about six And this was not playing pool And people taught me different things

And by the age of nine or ten dog George I wasn't bad Yeah Plus you was in East Coast But this was the problem it was the first thing i had fallen in love with oh i got as a child so when you would break my balls i would challenge you and when i won i would go overboard and when i lost i would lose my fucking mind and say shit oh and then there was like what kind of shit like some fucking motherfucker

at the first time it happened i had a people maybe about 10 and at my mother's ball and i was playing an adult that was a family friend. And he cleaned the table off on me. And I started calling him a faggot. And he didn't know how to handle it. You're a fucking punk. Everybody thinks you're a faggot. You're cheap. And these are things

I overheard people say about him in confidence. And my mother smacked me in the fucking mouth and made me go in the office and that was the end of that tune. I apologize. Two weeks later, but the guy never came around again. Yeah. Then about a year later, and this one, still till this day, still haunts me.

In fact, his cousin just sent me a picture. I grew up with his family. The guy's name was Machito. Machito. What's that from? He's a Cuban dude. Okay. He had skin like me, beautiful man, about five foot ten, built.

And he had a kid he got on the weekends. His name was Julie. Juliano. Julian was his name. And his cousin was Martin Perez, a kid I'm still friends with on Facebook. His father was Batista's driver. Did you guys know each other from Cuba? We knew each other from grammar school, like early on.

We knew each other. We were family friends. Machito sold Coke in the 70s, and he was friends with my mom. And he was a good dude to me. He'd drive me to Mec games and shit. I became friends with Machito, and he hung out at this bar on the corner of 57th in Hudson. the guy's name was fellow, F-E-L-O, who ran it, and as a child at the age of 11,

because he didn't have Julie all the time. He considered me one of his boys, so he would take me to baseball games and buy me bats, and he would smoke dope in front of me, whatever, and I would never repeat any of that stuff. So I became friends of Julie. Me and Julie were tight, the summers I hung out together,

then he would either go back to Miami or his mother lived in the Bronx. I can't remember the exact story, but I was pretty good at Pooley. And one day we're at that bar I had Brin dee in front of my mom, my stepdad, all my mom's friends. You know, not Martin Perez

wasn't there, but Julie was there in his father, who always very good to me. And Julie beat me in the first hand. Smash you or? Smash me. And I went nuts on him. And then I started doing Diaz brothers things as I was playing him.

I would say shit to him and bait him. Yeah. And he lost the second game. And then he lost the third game. But I had already said all those things. We were still friends for a while. And then he went to Miami. His parents moved to Miami.

And 10 years ago, as I found out, he didn't even make it to 21. Oh, man. Crack took him in Miami right away. And I had a chance to apologize to him. He was like family at my house. He would come over and swim in the pool and we'd play baseball. And I gave him clothes and shit. But I don't think that that, that,

wound never really healed and i lived with that today it's damn what are you gonna do you know what i'm saying that's why you gotta sometimes keep on pushing well sometimes you got to be careful i was a young kid but i learned from that lesson that i couldn't fall in love with something that much that's why i can never really be a fan of a football team or something because i'm the time we got to punch you in the fucking head yeah i'm saying i can't commit that much i'll fuck you up if you talk shit on my team So before that happens, I just eliminate that thing because some people take it really for real. But you know what? In boxing, it's a whole fucking different shit.

Like, I noticed, like, you don't even have to like sports. Boxing is, like, backing you up. It's like, if you're down for a fighter, you'll fight another person. You ever been like that? What do you mean? Like, say Chavez was fighting someone. Who's your favorite boxer? I'm talking when you're 21, though.

When I was a kid, I really liked boxing. But it was a different world. I grew up at a time with, you know, Benitez and Duran. Oh, yeah. You know, I grew up. Boom, boom, Mancini. I was at the chiropractor doing one of those jute falls. When I hurt my shoulder in 82, I had a, what I had to do was raise bills up so you could sue the doctor.

You could sue, like, let's say you fell down the stairs and you go to the hospital and you try to sue me, you ain't going to get dick. Yeah. Because you just got a hospital bill. You gotta go to the hospital and get therapy. That means for a year you can't go to work. You gotta go in there every day with a neck brace on and they look at you and go, you're making progress.

Meanwhile, you're jerking off of both arms. You're playing the drums. You're playing darts at the bar. You know what I'm saying? So I was raised. The Jewish attorney told me, he goes, to get the most money, you got to go to the doctor every day.

Yeah. It's like punching it. So I basically go to the doctor, he put electrodes on me, give me a little massage on that leave. but the day he fought boom boom mancini when I walked out of the office nobody was listening to the phone

everybody was watching this fight and he fought dukem Kim oh that's okay oh go ahead and he went the thing about duke and Kim that always shocked everybody was that on the on the mirror there was wood around it and he wrote something really

fascinating like killer be killed don't come back Yeah, he wrote something He knew in the back of his mind This was going to be a fight Lee, you weren't even conceived I was fired You weren't even a thought in your daddy's pants

This was one There was no real pay-per-view This was a fight on Wild World of Sports On 5 o'clock On a Saturday afternoon And it was January, it was cold I went into this doctor's office I remember having a jacket

And it was sitting down And it was the 7th round or something i have no idea but when i walked out i'd never seen two guys beat each other like that they would just play this went on for however many rounds and then the guy dropped and died in the ring what look it up see if it's on youtube real quick oh it has to be boom boom mancini against dukem kim the end where was he from duke kum kim khan khan korea he was korea he was korean he was korean korean and he wrote something on the mirror at you it like kill or be killed this was a battle the at in the middle of the afternoon

there was fighting in the daytime like a five o'clock this is a daytime fight this is a daytime time fun I never forget being at the doctor's office oh it was it like a open stadium let's see let's let's see if I remember correctly what's a problem leave oh I was using the left keyboard write down boom boom man senior watch that's the first and that'll come up probably sure I want someone die Why not? When was the last time you seen somebody fucking go down?

I don't make a habit of it. You put some stairs on me in front of eight in the morning. Watch me go down. There it is. You called it out. First one, Duke Ku-Kim. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Some novice here?

1982, son. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? What's the one doing to do I do? I don't know what it. The middle one's only 10 minutes. We can't watch the whole thing. I just want them to show two minutes, three minutes just so see, and everybody else can learn the intensity of his fight.

I would play the bottom one because it shows that guy falling. Play the bottom one, the fourth one. There you go. Yeah, but look at him. Look at Kim's face. Oh, man. Oh, shit. And he's going to die?

Yeah, he died minutes later. Fuck. He went down, and look at the guy's face, though. It was fucking. Look at this dude's face. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's when you get hit with a pipe and shit. Cops.

there i don't even know what to do with you oh stand right there sir sit down sit down do you feel anything do you feel dizzy i'm just seeing things right now it's so what do you got going on george what's coming up next to you me i know you always got something cracking you know hey dog i learned from you brother i stay hustling uh russell peters is awesome enough to let me open up for him at the bray improv the november first second and third and then on the six seventh and eight 7th and 8th. I am with I'm doing the Mangria Tour.

And when does that start? And that's a band, you and Red Band. Yeah, and Ryan Dune. That's December 8th, Phoenix at the last exit live, December... I'm sorry, that's December 6th, Phoenix. Last Exit Live, December 7th, Vegas, the beauty bar and December 8th, Winston's.

It's nice, man. It's cool. Yeah, it's not like a... a huge venue so I kind of like hey I'm starting off man you know how many minutes do you do sometimes they let me do 40 sometimes I just do 20 or me and red men will flip he'll do 40

I'll do 20 we just have a great time to one of these venues and think about like 10 years ago I was in the cell here I am at a fucking venue and I know people that can't get out of their own fucking way and you got to feel bad about yourself but it's so weird

how I get that ever that's how fortunate I am a couple weeks I'm at the Wilbur fucking theater with Lee. I walk up to the stage and I got the worst anxiety I've ever gotten. That was one of the things that went through my mind that these people knew where I was from a point in my life would they still come here? You know what I'm saying?

It's still trips with me. Even though I paid my debt and stuff. But at the end, it's a great feeling when you're in your hotel room, you go, I did it. And nobody knew. You know what I'm saying? Unless I told them, nobody knew. It's my secret, but I let them out to them.

And now I feel a lot better about myself in a way, you know? Tomorrow's seven years since I've been out of prison. See that? Yeah, that's why today was my nephew's birthday, and I got out of prison. I got out of prison the day after my nephew was born. And we went to his party today. Dude, I just realized it because you're talking about. It's been seven years.

So there's a reason where you were supposed to be here tonight, my brother. Say it was crazy. Fucking years. I've been out. Knock on wood, man. Let me give some shoutouts real quick. Lee, how you feeling, Cucksucker? I'm feeling pretty good.

Sam Summers, my man, Dom De Niro, Patrick C. Wright, Rachel Lee Little, showed up to the show. My girl, Melissa Eva Perez, gave me some information. Bobby and Crystal down there, John Cutler and Amy, my man Leon and Jeremy Slaggart. You know, I love you. As you know, Wednesday night, Irvine Improv, 8 p.m. show. You're out of there by 10. You go see your college, buddy. Jump up and down.

We got stars. We're going to get nice and stone. You know us. And then the following week, two weeks after that, it's Portland, Oregon, helium, bitches. And that's basically it, my brother. I'm happy you came out tonight to celebrate seven years as a reason. God put you in here tonight.

Yes, thank you, man. Thank you. George Perez, you know, always just to follow up with you. Yeah, hey, man, I love it that you do it, man. Because I saw you on Corolla. And I was like, look at this. shit he's getting i know you did bert and people loved you on here a month ago and people loved you they still get a little questions about you so what the fuck this is a great way your thanksgiving week

you know i'm grateful yeah i'm fucking so grateful bro every time i hit that you're back in irvine too healthy yeah one night irvine bang bang and i got the weekend with my family i think i'm at the store saturday maybe i don't know you know man you get the eggnod ready do i have the eggnog ready i am possibly most excited christmas i'm a about to have with this little fucking girl yeah you know pretty much done after the fort the special premieres on CISO don't forget code word Joey code word Joey and you get two months for free so if you get it today you're covered till January 1st they got great programming I would not bullshit you they really do they got to take over this whole fucking comedy business watch them

so I'm really happy to be a part of them I'm giving you CISO for free right now for two months go to CISO TV and press in Joey that's it That's how easy that fuck it And after that I'm pretty much done You know I committed to this special And I got some engagements now that come up I can't do this movie I had a movie I was gonna do four days

But these next two days They want me to do a bunch of promotional shit I can't ask them to change it You know so Yeah So you have to shift around Which will make me work on the book a little more Which I'm still miles

away from where I need to be but if but do you feel like you scratch the surface on it yet like yes yes i really want to know i have three books instead of one really you know i look at this material i'm like this who pock the bonus this is uh those 80 those 79 to 85 years man i really want to expose that to people but i'm not trying to expose me mugging lag at the gas station i really want them to know the pain I was walking around with and that's really tough to express when you're riding. I want them to understand that I know that feeling.

From the minute I saw George Perez at school or the first time I saw you on the bus at 840 or 7 whenever I caught the bus, that's when the pain disappeared until that night at 12 when the Coke would start wearing off. Exactly. And that pain would come back. I want people to understand that. So that's what's taking so fucking long.

And besides Lee keeps busting my busing my bowls. He's always doing something. He wants to go fucking eat. Get it together. Cucks me. Places of Buffalo sauce is what I live. Anyway, yeah, I'm at Irvine Wednesday night. Like I said, we got the shoutouts. Let me start with some paperwork here. I still have not gone

to pick up my fucking suit. You know why? Because I'm lazy. Because it's somewhere where I never opt. But I got to tell you something. If you ever going to get a suit, there's a time of the year where you want to have a suit at some places, even for myself. All right, I'm a bum, but

every man looks better in a suit. Indochino is one of, Indochino is one of the largest made to measure men's wear brands. They are making it easy for men to get great fitting. They're making it easy for you to get great fitting, high quality suits and shirts, and an incredible price. Here's how it works, okay?

You visit the Indochino.com or drop by one of their nine North American showrooms. You pick from hundreds of fabrics and patterns. You choose your customizations, from lapels to pleats to jacket linings and more. You submit your body measurements. You kick back, relax, and get ready to step into the best, most stylish suit you've ever worn in just four weeks. And between me and you, it comes even quicker than that. This week, my listeners can get any premium.

Listen to me. Any premium Indochino suit for just 389. Indochino.com when entering church when you check out. That's 50% off. Listen to me, it's Christmas time. You want to start the year off looking good. That's 50% off regular price for made-to-measure premium suit. Plus, are you ready for this?

The shipping is free. That's Indochino.com promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H, for any premium suit for just $3.89 and free shipping. Lee and I get three suits for a hundred bucks, but you can't smoke a cigarette by us, or we'll burn to death, you know what I'm saying? This is a real suit. This is real material. This is real fabric.

Indochino has amazing holiday deals right now on their shirts, pants, and other products, too. You'll never have to worry about bad fitting suits or expensive trips to the tail again. Get ready to look like a million bucks. Do me a favor. Uncle Joey wants you to look good and feel good. If you look good, man, you're going to feel good inside when you're walking to a room. You're going to have more confidence. Here it is.

Indochino.com right now and get a Super 389 when you enter church at checkout. That's my Christmas present, Cocksucker. All right, before the show tonight, we were talking about driving experiences. Last week in Boston, Lee and I paid $371 for a ride. That Lee could have got us for $160 on left. Okay? Now, I want to spread the word, right? I've used Lyft maybe two times.

Lee loves them. Lee watches them, you know, Lee uses them more than anything. What's the last to you? Use them to the airport or something, didn't you? I use them all the time to the airport. I use them around town when I, like, even if I'm not even going out to drink,

it's nice. I took them down to Amoeba that time. It's just nice. It's a nice experience. Drivers are very kind to you. It's a great. I'm going to tell you a smart way to earn extra money and get a $500 bonus, all right? You're going to drive for a lift.

Right now you're probably unemployed. You don't know what to do. Hey, man, you got bills. I'm going to tell you what. You're in between jobs. You're looking to earn some money. You're looking to pay, put away money for college. You know, you want to go back to school.

You know, you want to write the great American novel. Listen, this is 24 hours. You can work whatever shift you want on your time. hours. Drive for lift. You're tired of waiting tables and you love to drive. Well, here it is. Drive for lift. The ride sharing app that lets you be your own boss, pick your own hours and earn up to $1,500 bucks a week driving your own personal car. Okay. The other ride sharing apps out there, but everyone loves driving for lift best because they treat their drivers right. Lots of people start as customers. Now they drive for lift. It's a flexible way to make extra money.

anytime, anywhere with your car. Driving for lip pays up to 35 an hour and getting started is fast and easy. You can drive mornings, nights, or weekends. Just flip into your driver mode, put your little hat on, and bam, stop making money. Plus, only lift drivers can earn tips

from within the app, and those add up real fast. And you don't have to wait days or weeks to get paid because you get cash instantly with express pay. It all adds up. It's super flexible. you keep your own tips and you get paid when you need extra cash. Do me a favor, all right? The holidays are coming.

You don't want to be broke. It's a horrible feeling. You know what it's like to be broke in the holidays. It's terrible. Sign up today. Go to Lyft.com slash Joey. And right now, Lyft has a special offer for my listeners. You get a $500 new driver bonus when you sign up using our show.

Go to Lyft.com slash Joey. Today, you can start making money and get a $500 dollar. get your $500 new driver bonus. That's right. Go to lift.com slash Joey. Again, lift.com slash Joey. I want to thank Lyft. I want to thank my man Honest for always having our back. When I'm flying, you know me.

Alfred Brain, 100% money back guarantee. I want to thank Indochino. And I want to thank C-Soh for giving you fucking Joey. You're right. And I want to thank my man, George Perez. I want to thank Samantha for driving them. And I want to thank Lee for eating poison that game. Look at the shape of you.

You're looking good, dog. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your girlfriend. You're making it happen. You're going to get a house soon. I don't know about that. She'll have her own driver. You'll be the butler.

You got to go home and get ready. And she'll be the chef. You cook a blue apron at night. Hey, I'll retire. I'll retire at 30. I love you, motherfuckers. We'll be back Tuesday. Before Thanksgiving, so you can take out on the plane with you Wednesday.

Or when you're driving, you can listen to it with your friends and shit. One more time, George Perez. Lee Syatt, Samantha, and I'll see you motherfuckers at the Irvine Improv. Stay black and beautiful. Madonna, burn it up for your love, Lee. That's what you're going to play. Put that motherfucker, unless you got something else. Put on whatever you want, Lee.

Go ahead. Do what you got there. This show was presented by On It. The church of what's happening now was brought to you by Lyft. And specifically, drive for Lyft. Lyft is this ride-sharing app that lets you be your own boss, pick your own hours, and earn up to $1,500 bucks a week driving your car. Go to Lyft.com slash Joey right now to earn some extra money and get your $500 new driver bonus.

That's right. A $500 new driver bonus at Lyft.com slash Joey. Lyft.com slash Joey. show is also brought to you by Indochino. Go to Indotino.com and enter promo code church to get any premium Indotino suit for just $389. That's a 50% savings against regular made to order, made to measure premium suits. That's Indochino.com, enter promo code church to get any premium indotino suit for 389. and shipping is free.

That's Indotino.com promo code church. Oh shit. A little double J cock suckers.