The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #433 - Rudy Sarzo

Episode Date: November 23, 2016

Rudy Sarzo, Legendary Bass Player who has played with, among others, Black Sabbath, DIO, and Quiet Riot, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.    Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.      Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 11/22/2016.  

Did you ever work with Louis C.K.? Never. Never? No. 20 years ago. I met Louis 20 years ago in Seattle. Did you guys speak Spanish? Because, you know, he was raised in Mexico.

Louis C.K.? Yeah, this is his first language, Spanish. I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah, I've been watching his show and really impressed about his writing. His writing has always been money. Yeah. His writing has always been money.

Hit it. We'll talk about this in the show, yeah. This show is presented by On It. The days are back. The church of what's happening now was proud to introduce you to hellotushy.com. Hellotushy.com makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water. Go to hellotushy.com slash church right now to get 10% off. It was the thing I miss most when I'm away from home.

It's the first thing I do when I get home. Hellotushy.com slash church. Show is also brought to you by Miandis. Go to meundies.com slash joey to get 20% off of your first order with free shipping in the U.S. and Canada off of all their comfortable underwear, t-shirts, socks, and more. Meundies.com slash joey. ...injans pumping and thumping in time. The green light flashes, the flags go up. Churning and burning.

They yearn for the cup. Oh shit. And muscle for rank. Fuel burning fast on an empty tank. And you thought you were doing a ride without your uncle. Joey. Fuck no. Happy Thanksgiving to you, Cocksuckers. Lee Syatt, my little Gumba, and my main man, Rudy Sarzoan studio. Yo.

November the 22nd. Kick that, Muley. Uh, time, tic-a-da-tik-da-tik-d-k-k-k-k-tah. Oh shit. What's up, Papa? Who was that? That's a cool of bass riff. That's an old, like a 10, 12, 15 years ago. What's the name of the band again? Cake. Cake. Cake. And they have a couple great albums. Somebody left, and there was a problem.

But I went to see him with Felipe a couple years ago. Oh, yeah. At one of these clubs on Sunset, the big one, at the theater. And they were great. They were great. So what's up, Papa? Oh, just hanging. Happy Thanksgiving.

And you too. Happy Sanguidi. Sanguidi. Oh, you know, happy sangue. Yeah. Hey, you were telling the story here when you played the palladium that night, that you went from sleeping on the floor to being at the plaza and shit. Yeah, because, you know,

So, you know, Sharon was not only the manager for the band, but she was tour managing. And she had to stay and, you know, I mean, everybody stayed together. It wasn't like Ozzy and Sharon stayed in some posh hotel, and then the band stayed at the Motel 6. No, everybody went. Wherever they went, we went. We traveling the bus together, everything. So as a matter of fact, I was staying with them in Sharon's family's home in Benedict Canyon. So while I was in the band, I was with them.

like 24-7 for like, you know, from 1981 to the end of 82, you know. So getting to the story is, you know, we were going to play the palladium the following day. We just drove in from, I think we're in Binghamton or somewhere like that, about a couple hours away. We drove in tour bus. We got to the venue. I mean, we got to the plaza and I got off the bus and, you know, they, I check in and the guy throws me a key. I went into my room and it was somebody asleep.

So I went back down to the guy and say, hey, listen, I need another key. And so he says, okay, he gives me the key. I go up to the room and the room is a mess. The beds weren't made or anything. So went back down again. I said, look, I have to get up early. We're doing a lot of press. We got the gig.

I just finished doing a gig. I'm knackered. I'm tired. So he says, okay, I'm going to give you this room, but you better check out, you know, tomorrow. I said, okay, I didn't care. So I just, I followed. I went to the room and I realized I'm staying at one of the suites. They have, like, the special suites on each corner. So it's like, you know, you have like a quarter of the whole building, you know, to yourself.

And it was just, this is 1981. I don't know the things that have changed now, but that's the way it was back then. And it was just, I couldn't go to sleep. Because here I am, and I'm thinking, wow, maybe just one of these sweets where the Beatles stay when they came and played at Sullivan. So I was like having all these weird, you know, thoughts. And I'm like rolling on the floor naked and shit, you know. And so I went to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet and realized that the toilet that my ass was facing. It was a big window.

So my ass was facing the park, you know, Central Park. could see you on the fucking 18th floor but yeah it was like you know four o'clock in the morning yeah by the time that i you know that i'm doing all this and it's like yeah i figure you know nobody's doing but it's just it was it was nuts because just a few weeks before that i was sleeping on the floor in kevin de bros apartment you know so this was like man this totally insanity and kevin was living here at the time and yeah it was a ride of cold water and riverside oh my god yeah so how long have you been walking these valley fucking streets oh man the valley the valley the valley the You know, now I love the valley. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. But to be in the valley back in the 70s was kind of like excommunicated from rock and roll.

Because when I first got to L.A. in 76, 77, I was living right off the strip, right of Holloway and where Holloway and Sunset meet. Right there, there's a little street right there, Palm. And yeah, I was living there. So I would walk. everywhere you know across the street was Tower Wreckers and you have the old world and I was working at a place called McNaturals which was a fast food food health food place and we're making veggie burgers and I can make a kick-ass veggie burger you know I still remember how to make those and and a couple of blocks you know one block down was filthy McNasties which now is the Viper room yeah and then another block is where you know that's

That's where you where the the whiskey is. And then beyond that, of course, you got Gazaris and you got the Roxy and the rainbow and all that. So, you know, I was living in the heart of it. Now, what were you doing at the daytime, working and then that night you go to all those clubs? Yeah. Yeah. So, as a matter of fact, I would put my hair in a ponytail sticking inside my shirt. And I would work at McNaturals.

Then they will give me the key and say, okay, you lock it up and, you know, mop up. the floor and whatever. So the kids on the way to the whiskey to catch Quiet Riot, they will stop by, order their burgers, their smoothies, yogurt, whatever. I would take care of them. Then I will pack it up, grab my base, and walk all the way to the whiskey to do the gig. Very humbling experience. Now, okay, so you're in Quiet Riot. What were the other bands in the neighborhood that? The bands? Who was out from them? Everybody. Everybody that got signed in the 80s, man, you know, you had like Muddly Crew at the time they were called London. It was Nicky's band, London.

And you had like the boys, which is basically George Lynch was in the band. And then you got Dockin, like a version of Dockin running around. You had Grey White. Cinderella? No, not Cinderella is East Coast. East Coast, right. They're by Joe. His boys.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so basically, you know, we're talking about the West Coast Sunset Strip scene. You know, just about everybody that got signed in the early 80s was still knocking around in the late 70s. Van Halen. Oh, Van Halen already gotten signed. They were already kicking ass out there. They were actually the last rock band to get signed out of the L.A. scene before they shut the doors and to rock and roll and start signing.

Oh, that's right. Van Halen was around from 78. Yeah, oh, that's, 78. I'm thinking, I'm thinking fucking toward it. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, they, yeah, they were out before that, yeah. They were signed, yeah. So it was crew, yeah. Quiet, right?

Well, it was, it was called London. London. Yeah, yeah, became the crew after that, yeah. And then Guns and Roses came later. Oh, much later, yeah. You know, I was, I was doing a band with Tracy Gunn, so I was getting my education of what happened around the early 80s, because right now I'm talking late 70s. By 81, I was out of that scene.

Even though I came back to what it's known as the Metal Health Choir Riot, I really didn't gig around town because I was playing with Ozzie. I went from Ozzy to that band. We made Metal Health, the record, then we went on tour. So it wasn't like I was again, you know, beating the sidewalks, you know, going from the whiskey to the Ghazaris and the Roxy and all of that. No, I didn't do that. We released the record on that same week in March of 1983. We did four shows on two nights at the Roxy. And that was basically in addition to Perkins Palace, which is not really considered a strip show

because Perkins Palace was in Pasadena, Glendale, around there. We did a show there for Rock and Roll Tonight. You know, that TV show there. Yeah, that they had on Friday nights. Yeah. And outside of that, I'd say when we played at, when Choirryor played at the Us Festival, that was like the only other L.A. area show that we did. You know, we weren't really a, once the album, Mental Health was recorded, we were not a local band anymore.

So when the Oz Festival came, that was 83, correct? Yeah, 83. You played with Quiet Right. Yeah. Okay. I got proof. No, no, no, no. I'm just thinking about the Aussie situation.

I'm just thinking about the Aussie situation. Yeah. Where was it by that time? Oh, I left Ozzy right after I finished recording. Speak of the Devil, the Black Sabbath re-recordings at the Ritz in New York. I left the band. Yeah. And finished the mental health record.

Okay. So you stuck around that long after Randy passed? Yeah. I had a commitment. I had to finish, you know, the tours. And we had this recording of Speak of the Devil to fulfill. You know, I wasn't about to walk out on them, you know. Who was playing the guitar and speaking of that world?

Brad Gillis. So he did do. Speak of the Devil, yeah. And then after that, who replaced him, Mike? Vivie. Jake Lee. Jake Lee. Okay, that's what it was.

Okay. Holy shit. Right around, Speaking of the Devil was where I just, that was it. That was it for me. I just went into a different fucking zone in my life. I remember having Speaker the Devil, but that was it. It wasn't, I think I was done with Diary of a Mad Man.

After Diary of a Mad Man, I went out, I became my own fucking madman. I'd have time to listen to music. How old were you then? Like I was saying, when all this went down with you guys, when everything went down, like I, you know, I grew up listening to Spanish music. Okay, like when I was, in 1971, I saw that movie about the funny All-Stars

and my head exploded. I never, ever, ever liked rock music. Like, when I was growing up, I always thought, Oh, so a bunch of sushi, compada. With Pelot Lagos, a Peru, you know, all that shit. You know, you raised a certain way if somebody has long hair, yeah. So early on, I started to listen to, like, the Foniali All-Stars, Celia Cruz, that shit.

You know, like, I would go to kids' houses and they'd be listening to some shit, and I'm going, like, hold on, let's play this shit, and their parents are coming in the room. You can't play this music in our house. You're like that. Like, I was always two, three years ahead of the other kids. There was a kid who came into the podcast once I grew up with. that said he says, I still remember you bringing Richard Pryor into my house and our parents catching us and you weren't allowed in the house anymore, you know. I was always one of those dudes.

Like my music was three years ahead of what everybody else was listening to. But when I moved to Jersey, that's when I first heard Peter Frampton. Frampton comes alive. And I was like, wait a second, there might be something there. Maybe I'm being stupid and a new young crazy horse. And I was like, that's okay. I think Neil Young had short hair. I could live with that.

If he's got long hair, then I really can't run with him in shit. You know what I'm saying? But I got Led Zeppelin. Something by Led Zeppelin made me blow, and then that was it. And then I went to my friend's house, and I don't think we were smoking pot yet, but he played Tomorrow's Dream by Black Sabbath. And they fucked my world up. I was like, I don't know about that music, but that shit was good.

And I had Deep Purple. When we rock, we rock, we rock. When we roll, we roll. I started dabbling in it. And one day we were doing something and I had to walk home. And bam, what do I see? This place isn't even there no more. In Bergoline Avenue in 79th Street.

It was like a little corner store next to where Kentucky, not Kentucky Fried Chicken, don't cook tonight. Call chicken delight. It was right next door to it and it was the cover of the sabotage. And I said, what a weird fucking album cup? Let me buy that thing. And I took it home and I heard the thrill of it all. I was done. Then I heard hole in the sky, megalomania, and I was done. I was like, what the fuck is this? I got to start smoking some marijuana now. Oh, wait a minute. You weren't smoking then? No, no, no. I was dabbling in it. I would go out once a month with my friends and take a hit off a joint and put vizine in my eyes and cologne in my mouth and, you know, the whole fucking thing. I didn't know it was for musing. And then I started getting into Sabbaths. Not really. I started getting into sabotage.

a little bit and then I bought the second one war pigs paranoid yeah and then I was going down to Jersey Shore for a rendezvous with my friend Stinky and John Bender and he everybody had to donate something so he brought the cold cuts I brought the weed and the music and I brought the first Black Sabbath down there and it was just fucking blowing our mind John Bender didn't like music he would drink and pass out but me and the other guy was sitting there ba-b-bba-ba-ba and then or What would you do? Would you just sit there and like...

Like a retort. Just sit there and like bouncing around? Yeah, I didn't play air guitar. I didn't bounce around. I would just sit there blown away by the lyrics. I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, man. You know, it's really weird, I think, when you're Spanish and you hear American, a certain type of American, it makes you go crazy.

Like, it just impressed me. Like, when I first heard Richard Pryor, Rudy, I lost my mind. I came from my house where they cursed and shit in Spanish, but I never heard nobody curse like that. that context. You know what I'm saying? Like, that had blown my mind. So when I heard Led Zeppelin, like, I wasn't a Beatle dude growing up. Fuck that noise. I was from part of Jersey that you've got to be a Sinatra dude. Like the part of Jersey I'm from Sinacho smack the shit out of fucking Bruce Springsteen. I don't know nothing about Bruce Springsteen. But I started going to concerts.

I went to see Aerosmith with Ted Nugent. Ted Nugent was great. Error Smith was God awful, Rudy. God awful. Sevent. God awful, heroin's up. They broke the guitars. He pan out. Sin no si been compa. Why are you breaking the fucking amps for? You guys need more practice than I've seen in my life before. But I loved that.

Again, I had rocks. I had rocks. And I'm like, God damn, this is a good album. And then my buddy talked me into going. He goes, you know Black Sabbath is playing? And I was a freshman in high school. It was Black Sabbath with Van Halen. And in those days, you didn't go for the warm-up act.

You knew to get there. there at 8.30. We ain't going for the fucking Worma Back. But the rumor was to make sure you went for the Wormaback. And we saw it in front of us. Bill Wood was breaking apart doing blow. Ozzy was fat. He had a gut. He had a bottle of vodka up on stage. It just wasn't there. You didn't have to be a music critic to know something's not right here. At that time, I'd gone to six concerts, maybe. I didn't know nothing about. music that much and then they broke up but I like Never Say Die and they had done something on Don Kersners or the other one that was really good for Never Say Die and I liked it so I liked

never say that and they broke up but I started getting more more and more into Ozzy and then like my 16 after my mother died that February I went down a 22nd Street in New York Avenue and I bought a $10 bag of THC crystal, which was basically fucking gorilla biscuits, aka angel dust, animal tranquilizes. Me and this other dude. And I went and bought fucking Master Reality

on the way home. And I went home. I was living in my friend's house. He was out on a date. I locked the room. I put Master Reality on and the Exorcist was on. And I put the Exorcist on with no volume listening to Master Reality on that fucking gorilla biscuits.

And Rudy says, I thought my heart was going to blow up. So I just turned off the TV and never listened to Master Reality till about eight years later, the dog. If I went to a party, you put Master Reality on, I leave. It's like when I hear the music from Star Trek, I have a heart attack. That in the beginning of Star Trek, I gotta leave the room. The old Star Trek, the original? I don't like that music. What don't you like about it? I don't know. It just scares the shit out of me, all right? I don't know what it is about the beginning of Star Trek. It fucks my world up.

Oh my God. How old were you when they came out? Who? You? The Star Wars movies. I have no fucking idea. Star Trek, not Star Wars, you fuck. Oh, Star Trek. Oh, okay.

The TV show. Oh, okay. But when Ozzy, that whole thing blew up, my mother had died. I was out every day party and with my friends. And I sang out of a dude named John Crowley. What a fucking small world. And John Crowley, listen, we were at a movie theater once in Fairview. You know what Fairview is?

When we were kids, there was a Carvel there, and there was a double movie theater. And every Saturday night, they played the Rocky Horror Picture Show and a concert movie. Neil Young, the song remains the same. Ba, ba, ba, ba, blah, blah, whatever. We went there once, and there was a line for the song man is the same, or wherever the fuck we're going to go see.

I go, John, we got to cut this line. John goes, let me do it. When we walked to the door, there was an ice cream cone that somebody was eating, that they put it upside down, and the ants on it and shit, and it was already melting. This motherfucker picked up the ice cream cone with the ants on it, and then the front of the line

started eating the ice cream cone. They let them cut in. Nobody said two words to him. You understand me? We get into the movie theater, and before the movie's about to start, I go, John, go up to the front there and talk to these people.

Tell them what's going on here. Rudy, he would do it. He would get out and go to the front of, fucking to the fucking front of the movie theater and say, can I have your attention please, ladies and gentlemen? And we'd be in the back or yeah.

Howling? Nobody did with the balls. This kid did. We went to a party one time, nice white people, family. And I said, Rudy, you got a chair. Crowley got a chair. They had a chandelier. He fucking got a chair.

And he got, he stood up on the thing, and he pushed up the chandelier. I don't know how he did it. Another time we're going on the Jersey Turnpour. in the truck and he tied a string around his dick and played with his dick the whole way down route three people were fucking swerving from how five how have they were laughing john crowley was crazy so at this time my life i hung out with john crowley for entertainment purposes john crowley would take his dick out he'd chase women naked whatever you whatever mission you gave to crowley when he had three beers in them and a couple hits of wheat reefer so i'm at the end you know what he does today he writes children's books He hit me up on Myspace about 10 years ago. Don, you got to help me in Hollywood.

I got these books. I can't sell them. I did the original music. Crowley, you're fucking crazy. When that song, Mr. Crowley came out, that was adding gasoline to the fuel. That was it. He loved Ozzy Osbourne.

So by him singing Mr. Crowley, so I wasn't at the Palladium show with him. The other show, there was two shows, like you said, they threw him out because he took his ID and went up backstage and he said he's singing about me let me in there

I got to talk to him and they escorted him out and that was the end of John Crowell. That's a true fucking story though John Crowley so he thought Mr. Crowley was about him so he was crazy all along

and a state championed wrestler he was crazy all along now Ozzy threw the kiss of death on him so everywhere he went people would sing to him Mr. Crowley. He said, well, be on my local compiling. It was fucking crazy when I went through with that kid for three or four years.

Yeah, that reminds me how insane our audience was. Insane. You know, well, the bat. The bat threw it right to fuck over. And it was a real bat. You know, we thought, hey, it's a toy bat. You know, rubber.

That's why he put it in his mouth, you know. It was a real freaking bat. One time we was doing a show in Lubbock, And this is in love of Texas, this is right after he pissed on the alamo. So we were like on the lookout because the daughters of the revolution and Texas militia were threatening Ozzy to shoot him on stage. You know, so we kept, every time he would, you know, during the show on stage, he would walk towards us. We were like run away from him because I don't want to get shot, you know, because we thought we was going to get shot on stage, right? So I'm doing the gig and I'm like looking around, it was like really, you know, aware of everything that was going on.

You know, it wasn't about getting into the music anymore. It was all about surviving the show, you know, not dying on stage. And I see this frog. I thought somebody was throwing a baby at me on stage. There was actually a bullfrog. Huge bullfrog. It just landed right in front of me, you know, upside down with his arm spread open and legs, you know. I freaked.

first, you know, because in the dark, you don't know what it is. So you look, oh, it's a freaking flog. I thought somebody threw their kid on stage, you know. They used to show up with freshly slaughter heads of cattle, trying to get into the gig with that. And of course, they wouldn't let them. So, you know, our rock crew would take Polaroids and bring him backstage and say, oh, check this out.

Check what this idiot was trying to bring it into the show. People were still sneaking shit in because somebody threw a bat on stage somewhere. Yeah, the bat. And he got rabies, Agu de Pazole. What the fuck? Yeah, the head of the cow. You know, no, it's completely different. It's too big, too big.

With horns and blood dripping and shit, you know. But then, of course, you know, we used to have the dwarf, the little person, John, that was part of our stage, you know, presentation for the Diary of M. Edmund tour. So he had a bucket that he would drag across the stage while we were playing peasantman. paranoid, the last song of the set. And they would put anything in that bucket, anything that was left over food from dinner crew meal, it was sticking in that bucket. And then the door will go across the stage, throwing it at the audience slowly. And whatever went into the audience, the second half of the song came towards the stage.

And I got hit many times by pieces of liver, gizzards, tripes, you name it. You know, and sometimes they were, if they didn't have enough, Delhi, you know, she had to put in that bucket, they would send somebody out to get some from the nearest supermarket. And a lot of times, it didn't thaw out in time. So it would still be frozen. One time the, John, the little person, he got knocked over. by a piece of frozen liver that somebody threw back from the audience. He just knocked them over on stage and just they took him over to emergency and stitch him up right in his forehead.

Oh, yeah. That's crazy because when I saw you in the palladium, it was just four dudes on stage. But when I went to the Meadowlands to see you, when you guys came back in October, after Randy had passed, it was Brad Gillis, but now you had a fucking castle or some shit behind you.

It was a different fucking show. And the crazy thing, was for all my Ozzy things, I always had good tickets, but when I got there, something happened that the ticket became better. That was the only show that I had to stay, like, where I was at.

I was, like, in 12th row. So I didn't get hit by the fucking midget stuff. I didn't even know he was throwing. I don't even remember. That's how fucking time I was. Well, you know, it was the little guy, so his throw was only, like, maybe five rows because you got the pit and you got the rows,

you know, but you were sealed, you know, everybody docking right in front of you, you know, you would see, like, the horrified freight, faces of people going like, ah, and they would duck every time he would throw something out in the audience. Yeah. Now, again, in 1970-something, some fucking moron went on David Letterman and ate a bicycle. What?

Oh, he ate a bicycle or some shit. He ate a pedal. He did something. And went on David Letterman, and he ate, Unakumapuin'Ey again. He ate something. Yeah. Okay. So now, sick of three years later, I'm at this fucking party, and this dude comes down, we played hooky, and we ended up at his house.

and this dude comes down and he he uh before that i'm going forward the one party we went to he took a gun out his father was a cop made took a gun out he brought it down he started playing russian roulette and we all got up and left we were like this outcray bro i grew up in northern new jersey with white dudes that were the real deal you know and they and each one wanted out do each other so the second time we went over there was the dead of the winter and we went to his house john don't put the gun out to They were out, I promise. In those days, we rob a beer truck from Kennedy Boulevard, and we bring the beer to his house.

So we're like, I was way younger than John. I was a freshman when this happened. And I went over there and his mother smoked in the patio. But they had a little French poodle. And he used to take those little shits. Little French poodle shits, but they wouldn't sweep it up. They would just freeze and stay out there to Cognia la Malle. You know what I'm saying?

So you would just have to go out there and kick out the little shits. So one time we're out there, come in there, they were talking shit. And he goes, how much did you damn eat a piece of shit? And we're like, go ahead. You know, he got like $7. And he picked up one of those French poodle pieces of shit, and he ate him. So now this became an epidemic where I grew up. Now people were doing shit.

Now, my junior year in high school, six of those morons get dressed up as garbage. Tremendous. They got garbage cans, rubber garbage cans, cut the bottoms off. They put underwear on. They put suspenders to hold the garbage cans, and then they put a lid on their head. But to top it off, they took strings, and they tied it to mail to little mice tails. And then they took bags and they super glued it on their head, and they walked it in this Halloween party, each with six live mice. This is 1980.

This is a year or two before Ozzy's biting shit off. These guys in the middle of the party, pick up the mice. and start eating the fucking mice live. Tails are in their mouths. A friend of mine whose birthdays today, Mike Runny, who I live with after my mother died, grabbed one of the mice, popped it in his mouth, and it was eating it,

and you can see the tail. So they all started eating mice in this shit. So now my whole town is going crazy. People are eating shit. I went to another party one day, and there was a table with a hammer with glass. They were eating glass, these motherfuckers. These white fucks became crazy,

and I loved them. I grew up with them. with my brothers. What am I going to do? What now, what do you think happens? Ozzy's got to, because my town loved Ozzy Osbourne. My town was 60% Black Sabbath. This motherfucker got to go bite a fucking eagle's head off.

And now my town's looking to fucking eat dogs and fucking cats and fucking... So Ozzy Osbourne fucked us up in more ways than one. That thing that I'm telling you about the mice, they not only did that. They did that in front of 100 people in a school auditorium on a Halloween party for the families.

Girls are crying. Teachers are running out. It was classic shit. Classic shit. They talked about it for years. Never again that they have that party. That was the end of the fucking part of it. So that's how much damage Ozzy Osborne did.

Then he put out Snowblind, which fucking sent you over again. You know what I'm saying? Thank God nobody paid attention to suicide solution. One kid, Steve Bancini. He went to the George Washington Bridge. He got a Carvel Sunday. He was blind.

Steve Bancini would see you and he would say like quotes to you. Like a rolling thunder, powering rain. I'm coming on like a hurricane. That's a verse from a satanic. I don't know if it's that one. He would pick any song and he'd start dropping knowledge on you. And one day he said, fuck it. He got an ice cream's cup, ate it, took his glasses off,

and he jumped off suicide bridge. He didn't blame him he didn't blame him. He didn't know his family. The memories of Black Sabbath than my fucking dude. Rudy, was that similar to your high school experience?

Oh my God. It was crazy. No, no, yeah. Now, my high school experience, all I wanted to do was to get laid. That was... Now, this is all at Memorial? All four years?

One year memorial, and then I went down to Miami High. Okay. You know, and this is the 60s, and I was all... overweight in the 60s. So that was like a, you know, I might as well I had some kind of disease, you know. It wasn't like not even getting late.

You know, chicks didn't want to hang out with me. Guys didn't want to hang out with me because the chicks won't hang out with them because they're with this guy, you know, who was like maybe 50 pounds overweight, you know. And all it was is I was eating Cuban food. You know, my mom was making, you know, cooking with lard, eating a lot of rice. and I happen to be one of those guys who is carbosensitive is the politically correct right fucks you up yeah yeah it does you know carbs yeah it does still does you know but back then i don't know so matter of fact i we were living in new jersey and my mom heard about this diet

doctor happened to be one of those doctor feel good type guys and i was going to memorial high then so my mom and dad take me to this guy in the city and they put me and, you know, take me through a room and it's kind of like, I went through like separate tables. One of them took my blood pressure, the other one, you know, blood tests and my weight. And then at the end, they gave me these bottles and say, okay, you take this one, you know, in the morning, then take this in the afternoon, then take this in the evening, blah, blah, blah, right? There were oppers and downers, basically.

I had no idea. My parents didn't know. They were just desperately trying to help me to cope with something that was socially unacceptable at the time. Now, nobody gives a shit, you know. But back then in the 60, it was the whole, you know, madman. There weren't even fat people in the whole show. I kept looking for one, you know, in Mad Men's show.

And I couldn't see a fine, a fat person because that's the way it was in the 60s, you know. And so I started taking these operas on downers, and I was screwed, man. I would go to the mornings, I would be like, you know, I was like a puppet running around, this chubby puppet and Jim Fripped. shorts, you know, at gym, you know, that we had early in the morning, we had the, uh, fizzad. Then in the afternoon, I was kind of like going down and they gave me another upper. And by the evening, it was the downers that I, so I couldn't do the homework. I couldn't function. I spent the whole day going up and down, you know. And so I told my mom and she said, well,

screw that. So she got me up that. But I gave it a shot. How long did you stay on them for? Maybe a week or so It was terrible Awful There was a doctor In West New York Or Wee Hawking when I was a kid I didn't like needles

So Somebody came to me once I go if you're heavy You go see this doctor They gives you a couple shots And you lose 50 pounds And I was like

Are you fucking crazy But then I have another friend of mine That got high one night We were talking And she goes You know my sister Used to be 100 pounds overweight She went to a doctor for treatment

He gave her a bunch of shots. So it's something that you got to pay a lot of money for. Who the fuck knows? Yeah, it was taboo in the 60s to be a little overweight. Oh, right, yeah. Yeah. The girls still don't really like. It's not like girls love it now when I went to high school.

It's always been terrible. I think I might be allergic. I went for allergy testing when I was really young. And I think I'm mildly allergic to wheat and all that stuff. So I probably should stop eating bread. and all that yeah well actually i'm i'm gluten-free now and it's really helping with with my allergies really yeah yeah even though i just had a bunch of gluten in that box but it's not something i eat every day you know that that's going to go what's gluten in that potato uh no it's not the

potato is all of the other wheat all the wheat stuff in it you know like oats and weeds and barley like if you drink beer there's a lot of gluten in it you know it's not for everybody it's just works for me you know and I'm not a celiac neither so I've seen have you seen Dean Dalry lately yeah not has been a few months he looks beautiful really he eliminated sugar from his diet yeah okay I think that you know you hear about all bullshit diets but I think that right now that's a popular one it's working for a lot of yeah I have another friend that guy not diagnosed with cancer yeah two years ago well he looks beautiful I just

just went home and saw him and gave my hug and he goes all I did was eliminate three or four things from my diet sugar being the normal one day and he goes I'm stable the treatment's tugging I'm alive I'm breathing I'm working I'm working that I'm eating good he goes with that that sugar once you get to a certain age it's not even good and you'll see the difference immediately I got immediately but sugar isn't fucking everything Rudy that that period that I'm talking about you know the 60s when I was overweight you know, going through a Cuban diet, everything had sugar in it. Everything, you know, everything that was that I, that I consume, has sugar, you know.

And if it didn't, then you added the sugar. My parents, I mean, my, my mom still adds a lot of sugar to anything, you know, let's say if you have a cafe con lece over the counter and they, and it's sweet already. It's ready to go. No, she's got to put a couple of more sugar, you know, packets in it. I always had a big, I see it in my daughter now. I see the pickiness, or maybe everybody's children is picky with their diet. But I see the different shit she's attracted to, you know, it's good.

She likes pasta, you know, she likes hot dogs. I give her sabret hot dogs. I keep it in the family. She likes mac and cheese. My wife makes it fresh for her at least a stand out of a fucking box. The school wants the little lunch cups, and it makes me go fucking crazy. but it's so weird how I was fine until I was around 10 or 11 Rudy

and then at 11 I got hooked on Matheba with lechikoninsat. That's deep. And that's condensed milk, the shit that comes in a can. Cubans drink it with a soda called Matheba. And it's Matheba is very healthy for you. Believe it or not, it's Yebba Mata or something like that. Yeah, bro.

And it's made of these fucking herbs and it's pretty fucking good for you. but not with two fingers of condensed milk every night before you go to bed. Like, I did it every, I got addicted to it. I had to go home and do it every night, and I watched the honeymooners and the odd couple, and it would zap me up, and then by 12.30, I'd nappy Noonoo. And one day I was like 12, or 11 and a half, and I was fat as fuck. And this was going to karate.

Like, I was a karate buff at that age. Like, something had happened to my bed. body like drastically and also I started playing basketball and I started jerking off and that shit went right off and I got really really skinny and I was like okay so I went through a phase it just didn't stick around by the time I got to the seventh grade it was gone yeah it was right before what Cubans call a deseroye yesabroo it's called when you start getting hair and yeah you start coming and you start getting the deeper voice yeah right right then I'd be birdie I dropped six 50 fucking pounds and that stuff was gone.

I was playing basketball and it didn't come back till I was 30 fucking 8 or some shit, you know, 30, 36 or something until I moved to Los Angeles. Yeah, yeah, going back to the Leche Connissada, you know, that was a staple in my family. We had that a can

in the refrigerator. Everybody has a can with aluminum foil on top of it. And you're just like... With two holes. I would never drink it. I would never drink it. I don't like... Well, you could put it in a spoon, too. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Christ no oh you never did that no that's the best that's the best a pulso and what is it and it tastes like what tastes like heaven sweet milk yeah awesome oh Jesus it's like caramel

taste yeah yeah that's that's no no no no no I wouldn't I wouldn't and I don't like yeah oh do so de leche you know those little pastries do so it's the same thing it's like a condensed milk but into like a brownie e los three leches you know those the potteries, you know, desserts, all that. See, I grew up with Natia. Natia. Which is, that'll kill you. Yeah.

That'll fucking kill you. That's eggs, sugar and butter whipped. With cinnamon on top of it, more fucking sugar. Yeah. Flans. I'm a flan dude. I'm a Tia dude. My favorite, my, listen, my number one went with my mom.

I never had it after she died. There's Natia with Entemines pound cake in that motherfucker. And you let it get cold for a little while. And you put the cinnamon. when you pull it out, come on now. Come on now. Merengue. Merengito.

I wasn't allowed to eat merengue. It's white. So they were just to get me sick. I'm not a merengue guy. I'm none of that. I'm on artilla, dude. Pastelito. Pastelito?

I don't like, I like Waiawa, but I don't like cream cheese. Yeah, no. I like cream cheese on my baga with locks. I like cream cheese. Yeah, yeah. I just listen. Another way to get fat is Waijava with cream cheese.

A cracker after every dinner. Whatever you eat for dinner. dinner at the end of the dinner buy yourself the long wayava and get yourself a thing of Philadelphia cream cheese and get Cuban crack if you want to gain weight listen if you're skinny as shit I can hook you up right now I got the diet for you right now Rudy and I gotta talk about the Cuban diet all right the Cuban diet consists of you open up with not a cup of coffee or not a well when you go when you go to Starbucks or what's the big one the Grande? Listen that Grande Cafe

that's a Cubans piss on their first piss. My mom had a tub. It was a metal tub. That's all she used for coffee. It had to be 20 ounces before anybody ever thought of drinking 20 ounces. But here's the weird thing. It was that shit that's really sweet. That shit will kill you.

People drink an ounce of that and see the devil. You follow me? I did that every day. Oh, God. I did. I swear. I did. My breakfast was Nez Cafe.

you know, which is instant coffee. Instant coffee. With one of those tumblers that you're talking about. But this was a glass because I wanted to see the sugar that I would pour in it kind of like, you know, get to the bottom. It looked like an aquarium. You know, when you have like the sand on the aquarium with the fish swimming, you know. So it was kind of like that effect. So once it collected like around maybe half an inch of sugar in the bottom, then I stir it, then I would take bread, white bread.

you know like wonder bread and no butter oh wait i'm getting to that uh you're this this is the time where they came up with uh with the uh with the liquid liquid butter squeeze butter squeeze butter so i used to make like these signs you know i used to get like you know get creative with it making like little faces and then i will fold it and dunk it and until it went all the way down to the bottom and then I was ready to go to school. How much bread would you eat in that? Just one piece?

A whole fucking loaf. So Lee, a loaf of Cuban bread with butter dipping it in your coffee like an animal and in between the eats drinking that same coffee because the butter drips now stays in tea. Lee, 20 pounds in one week

guaranteed with the Cuban diet. That's the one division. Then your division is the steak with the egg on it over rice, cut up with the yolk, melted over everything. That's pure disgust. With lard.

With lard. That's pure disgust. The lunches I really like. I like the lunches. The lunches were, I like an avocado salad with onions. That's a lot of what I think. Just an avocado sliced thin

with raw onions and vinegar and oil. I like that, really. A little bit of bread. Yeah, but that's a side dish. That's a, oh, yeah, yeah. It's an apatirif. You know, that's a pipe, that's whatever. That's an opener.

That's like the five stars we did. My mom always had this theory that if you're going to be asleep for at least eight hours, you might starve. So you have to have a meada-a-noche sandwich. I bought one for my wife today. Before you went to bed. Just to keep you from starving to death where you're sleeping. It's a little smaller Cuban sandwich or a different type of bread. Yeah, and a little pickle.

And a little pickle, so your body doesn't work that hard. Because if you have a big meal, dog, it's ridiculous how much, how fat I could be right now if I lived in Union City still. It's fucking crazy. I wish I was Spanish of some sort. Because they're amazing. Like that pork I got with Becky was amazing. I might cry when I tell you this story. I might fucking break down because I've been holding it in for, I watched those 80 episodes of Selly.

And it took, I realized I didn't lose my mother. I lost my mother and that world. I lost my Cuban world. I lost my Cuban world. There's a big thing when you lose a world. I lost people's houses that I could walk into, and I trusted their food. I knew what they cooked.

I knew what days they cooked it on. You know what I'm saying? When I knew I knew Rudy's mom makes it a Bobby on Thursday, I'm going to call for Rudy. And even if Rudy's not home, she's going to invite me in. You know, me a ped out of Rudy. You know.

I missed that whole thing, but I'm going to tell you what I miss the most. And you don't know in your life what you have until you're losing. My mom was, what do you call those people from Cuba? She was a Wai'ita that made money. But her actions were Wahita, but they were all hard, which meant Rudy. If you had to get up at 8 because you had to meet Randy in rehearsed, my mother would walk in your house at 3 in the morning. really did anybody but you know that I gotta get up oh yeah get up they came over it too while

you were sleeping and made fresh black beans and rice you know they cooked the goat they got a few steaks and they got unga banzo or chorizo or whatever and you used to be bothered like why would you wake me up to do that and you go downstairs and there was Cubans laughing that Cuban music on it's three in the morning but to them it's still in the afternoon. Everybody does this. Do you understand me? Like that's stupid. My mom used to come home from the ball. Some night she was tired. She came home and gave me a kiss and went to sleep. But the other night, she'd bring six people over and it was Longoteng Chila at two in the morning. So at four, my house smelled like it was lunchtime. And she'd wake me up and go,

I'm telling you, I went to the thing. I cooked Langota and Chila with yellow rice and fried bananas. There's people downstairs. And I'd walk into my kitchen at four and there'd be six people drinking beers, eating, you know, she'd make like Cuban crackers or prosciutto on it and shit. And I go, Jesus Christ, her and my stepdad would have these parties at three in the morning. We called them Komelata, you know, you just, and it went and it just, Lee, this is not just a salami sandwich. This is somebody who comes home at three in the morning and makes a four-course meal. One meal is enough.

Like, my stepfather's specialty was got bon so frito. Let me tell you something. You know what I mean arguments I got with him? Oh, if I got bon soffito, oh, hey, when are he going to make something different? Today, everybody, right now, I would give this hand to have those got bonsoffrito. The way he would put the chorizo in it,

he would cook it and that's clay thing, Lee, Jesus, motherfucking Christ. He put it with some Franks hot sauce at any age. If my stepdad made that, my mom would let me drink a loan bra. You know what I'm saying? I can have a lone bra, but as long as you have, got bonso frido,

langota enchila, or during lent, tamal and casuela, when they put the little lobster meat in there, the little ham, whatever the fuck that was. Tocino, yeah. Tocino, oh my God, Lee. How much weight does that put on you? Tamal and Casuela. I hate it.

It's that whole lifestyle. I really, after watching that show, it kicked my ass for a few weeks, Rudy. Because I realized what the fuck I lost. I lost a certain sense of humor I lost a certain sense of speaking to people when you're in that realm I had my mom's bar where I could go in there

and I could drop a couple of bingas and me caoed my own to mile but the realm I hung out with I had to walk in there and ask him for their blessing that's something that I don't live in that world no more ohia me, my son, ohia me sarso and this young is too, no, that I'm going to be in my house get out you know that I had I was one of those guys Rudy trust a lot of trust

no no I had I was one of those guys that was raised religiously Catholic but Cuban terms yeah so when I came to your house I would ask your dad for his blessing but you show mr. Sessor Tardouli yeah with the house Antonio there was no cocoa those people didn't call me cocoa that's what those other Cuban people call me but the kids I hung out with they were decent Cuban people the people I grew up and they gamble they slum they slum and they sling blow, they took numbers. They were nice people,

but I was involved in two different worlds when I was a young kid. Those geeky kids I went to karate with from Union City, that's how you had to speak in their house, how those people in Syria talk. You know, when you go, what do they say on the way out the door, those Cuban people?

It's a fucking sermon. It's a fucking sermon on the way out of the door. Lurio, if you take leave, protege me, God me lo, God me do you. That no pass to nothing. It's five minute, God bless you. My mind still does that. It's like our goodbye is longer than our conversation.

Our conversation. The goodbye and then God bless you. La Léééééé dee, Los Camino, you know, my God, and you're sitting there. That's the other world. I grew up, but a lot of people don't know. I couldn't speak the way I did in front of my mom's friends. In fact, I had a family who threw me out of the house. Lord is Ramos.

A mother asked me to leave the house because I said, you're single you don't look too bad why don't you go out and get a husband she goes nobody's ever spoken to me like that get out of the house I was 12 when did you say this to her after like she gave you cookies in the sixth grade in the sixth grade I like this little fucking Cuban girl oh my so on Wednesdays we used to always I went to school in North Bergen so on Wednesdays we don't walk to Union City to get to be part of a pottery class if I want to get in with this girl I had to go up there and make a fucking statue every week with like a bunch of black kids in Union City that were bust up from Jersey City

So it was me Lourdes it was this other Cuban girl the Cuban girl I had a crush on and a friend of mine would all go up there on Wednesdays and make figurines And one day it was snowing or something And Lottes invited us up and we went up Lottes was a cute Cuban girl but she had a thick mustache Even in the sixth grade that motherfucker was yoke jack it was like Lee's mustache in the sixth grade. But she was cute and fucked, but nobody had the balls to tell her. Lord is you got to bust out the Gillette.

You know what I'm saying? Nobody had the ball. She lived on 26th Street and Kennedy Boulevard on the first floor. You couldn't break into her house unless you were a gymnast. It was one of those first floors. Like, it wasn't right there

off of Kennedy Boulevard. But you could call for her. And in those days, nobody was having sex, guys. At least I wasn't. It was the farthest thing from my mom. I just wanted to hook up with the skinny girl and make out with her, you know, in the sixth grade, they get him out the out as they called.

You want to make out with them and hold hands. But I never dreamed about having sex with nobody in those days. And the one day I called for whatever we all went over the house, and I'm looking at it. And the mom was banging. If Lourdes was 12, the mom must have been like 31, but on fire. Rudy, she was on fire. At that age, I looked at it. I'm like, boy, I see the wenches that go to my mom's bar.

You do great at my mom's bar. You walk out of there with three killers. What are you doing sitting at home every night with a Bible? I said, you know, looking too bad. You might as well go out there and shake it. I'm Bergen-Line Avenue. She told me to get out of that fucking house. And after that, I learned the two types of humans.

You know, a couple of years ago, I still have a great Cuban friend of what his family is in Pasadena. and I brought up mom Afro-Cuban music to the house for Christmas Rudy, they almost had a heart attack Rudy, they almost had a heart attack. They don't like anything black? There's two types of Cubans,

there's two types of Cubans. And that's the Cuban I'm talking about. I always had that crazy Cuban side. I could tell you, you know, I grew up a crazy fucking way. It was the kids I was involved with and how I had a behave in that circle.

Those kids didn't get high. Those kids didn't even think about getting high. We used to all go to karate together, and we were geeky kids and three of them were going to join the Marines. You know, those are the Cuban kids I grew up. It's fucking crazy. God knows where they are. There's one kid who still talks to me.

He got a sex slave for two years. Me and him have been friends since the Bruce Lee days. His father, fixed him. His father is I'm still having my head around his name is Pino his name is Pino

that's the only information I can give you Is sex labor or your friend My friend His name is Pino I know Pino from Sacred Heart School For Boys

Because I went to Sacred Heart First But then they put Pino in there first Because Pino's father had an air condition business and he fixed

my mother's air conditioning at the bar Pino's father did a couple bumps Everybody knew this So me and Pino became friends The front, for Pino to hang out with his dad,

he'd have to come to the bar, me and Pino would shoot pool, and play Pimball and go to Bruce Lee movies, but then me and Pino ended up in the same grammar school together. Me and Pino loved each other. And then me, Pino and Uncle Mikey, like the retarded kid, he was like 19, and we were like 12, we'd let him hang out. He was a pervert that never made it, but he was a great kid, Mike. He had a basement, and we could do karate down there,

and his mother would always yell, and get the fuck out of there, you're a bunch of losers. You never got about to nothing, Mikey. Mikey. It was me, Pino, Mikey. This is a different period in my life. We studied karate on 39th Street and Bergenlein at Foojaupi Academy above the bottom of the barrel and Carvel. Bottom of the Barrow Lee is a big-time old-school mafia bar where Henry Hill hung out there. And the corner was Carvel, but what makes this better was Down the corner was Clu-Thirtyo-Ocho.

Okay? And next to him was Dr. Cotina. Okay? But the secret about Clempton T.O.O. was that it was owned by Willie Randie. Willie Vandi, I told you this. His claim to fame was that his grandfather was the dude and godfather, too, had a big dick.

You see the godfather? You don't remember? Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah. When he comes out, they take him to Cuban, when he finds Alfredo betrayed him, they're at a Cuban joint where the Cuban had a big dick. After that movie came out, Willie Vanddi's claimed.

The fame was that that was his grandfather. And he had a big dick, too. So during the week, he had bands and salsa and Manganite. But on Saturdays, once a month, it was Willie Randy. He would do a sex show in there by himself. We would pay off the cops and nobody would show up. Would do it, like a solo act, sex show? I was probably, I'm probably fucking 11 or 12.

Oh, God. I know nothing about this. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm probably, maybe 13, Rudy. You're about two. Okay, my stepfather, Edomboidero, which means he was a bookmaker. And his office was on 57th and Hudson.

That's the heart of the Cuban neighborhood. They had their brindy, they had another Cuban bar, that had a florist shop, they had a butcher shop. These were all Cuban businesses, but they were really fronts for not drugs in those days. Strictly numbers. Was that Union City or Western New York? West New York.

So how far from public school number five or memorial? was that right around the corner from Memorial 56 is there was memorial was memorials right around the corner this is the heart of Cubanville there was to be a Cuban restaurant in the corner the guy's named sister his name was Niuaddo and his sister ran that I mean great Cuban sandwiches great Cuban yeah yeah I live on Hudson Avenue Hudson Avenue was the heart of Cuba a brindy was on fecife laitita that was a bar on 52nd Street Cuban bookie joint then 57th Street was a brindy and then like into like 36th Street was another

Cuban little neighborhood there and the guy's name was boyotrita that means sad pussy and he read that bar there so my stepdad lent money to fucking this is hysterical my stepdad lent money to

Willie Vandy He had a grotto Right when he lends money for points So one night I'm bitching about something Because in those days I went to Catholic school And I would come home on Thursday nights And I always wanted to go to the movies but I did something.

I was punished. So part of the punishment I got stuck with him. And he didn't like my mother's bar. He would go early, leave, and then come back. And sometimes he didn't come back. So one night, he goes, come on. Take a ride with me.

You'll buy an ice cream. Let's go charge the money from Willie Rundee. And I don't know what's going on. Now, at this time, I knew Willie had a big dick. Once I found out he had a big dick, I didn't really was his friend no more. You know what I'm like, I'm like 12. I don't want to be friends like I was got a big dick.

I don't need that in my life. So I take the ride to fucking 38th Street and we there was no parking. We were going to go get ice cream first but there was no parking because that's Friday night, Saturday night and that bottom of the barrel, that mafia joint was packed. So we had to park

close to Club 38. There was parking. So Club 38 was on New York Avenue. So we're walking up and we walk in then you had to like knock a certain way. like, and then somebody would knock back, and then you had a knock, then they'd open it,

de, gono, yonita, and they'd let you in, and I was like, you know, whatever. And I walk in, and it's like a comedy show. There's, like, 250 people, and they're standing there with cups, and everybody's drinking, and they have, like, Cuban music on,

nobody's dancing. And all of some, when I walk in with Juan, the lights drop, right? And then all of a sudden you hear, like a little wawanko with music, like, It's like like, it's like, like, doon, kudu, like, it was just beautiful.

And all of a sudden, they bring like this chick that doesn't want to be there. Like, she's like, she's like getting raped, but not really. No, let me be unquieto. And they tie her on the pole and shit, and she drops the hands and knees. And then Willie would come out with a mask

and like a cape and shit. And they were like, and people were like, and the lights would drop. And sometimes the bulb would go out because it was a Cuban dude. He didn't know to run the lights. shit this is fucking craziness and dog willie opened up his cape

like three feet away from the woman and he started like shaking gyrating his hips and people were clapping and I didn't want to look Willie you know I mean Rudy you don't want to look at a man's dick but fuck it you're there you you might as well look it's right in front of you Willie his dick had to be

three feet long but it was like it was like a tail a skinny tail but here here's what I always thought like for years It baffled me. Like, how would you get your dick that way? And then I watched Anthony Bourdain when they went to Cuba one time

and they saw a guy who was bending steel. Did you ever see that episode? He's trying to bend steel. And the one Cuban says, you know, oh, this guy, when I was a kid, that was a big word. Quebrado? Quebrado?

Cameo. That means you burnt. Like, when I was a big word was, like, if you smoke marijuana, you ta'o-ya-a-cha-te-a-compa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a. Like, you'd get long. Yeah. He smoked pot.

That was the fear. It wasn't no Betty Reagan that came out and said, don't smoke pot. It was Cuban people that would tell you, oh, hey, if you smoke pot, you're going to burn out like the Beatles. You're going to get long hair and shit. What was I talking about, really? Okay, but the guy with the steel. The guy with the steel. Okay, so I thought about Cuban people, and I thought about how this guy would make his dick that big.

And I can picture him and, like, three of his uncles in Cuba on the farm, like, since they all had the reputation, and having a big dick, like I thought about it. Like, this is the only way. Because, you know how Cuban people are? They all have a reputation and having a big dick all those years. And they'll brag about it at parties. Oh, you, like, family, I mean, I think.

Like, they all got together and just stretched it and just pulled down. Like, pull, pull, and you're straight. Ah, ah, ah, and they just pull, pull, because his dick wasn't not. Like, my dick at the age was bigger. It was thicker. His dick, something had happened to it.

like by the thing, it became like a little puss, like a belly button. And then it was just like they twisted it around like a ponytail. Like it was dog, I had never seen that. And it was not a prosthetic. I saw it with my own eyes. After about a minute of two, dog, I just ran out of there crying. And we went to Carvel. And that was, I never told nobody about that story until about five years ago.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, I said the word Cabralo, Because like back in the day, again in Cuba, you know, like if you force yourself, let's say if you pick up something and it was too heavy, you would get like an una ennia. Tekebrate, which means that one of your testicles would like blow up and get like really huge. And that was like a sign of being cabraed out. I think you got a hernia right now. But it's been like that for so long.

Fuck it. Leave it like that. Why? Why fix it if they ain't broken? You know what I'm saying? That's the problem where people is. Then you find other shit out and you get mad at yourself. What's up, Lisa, I have, my brother. Good to see you, Rudy Sazzo.

We ain't sane. No. No. No. I can see you're talking about. This is insane. This is insane. Love it.

What's up, buddy? I was just... Did we finish up with the sex slave? It was just... Oh, no. Pino. So Pino... Yeah, Pino.

What happened to Pino? I grew up with Pino until about... maybe the age of Bruce Lee died in 73, me and Pino were heartbroken. Like we were heartbroken. Me, Pino and Big Mike were heartbroken. I'm not kidding you. Mike was like a 19-year-old. Something was wrong with him, but he was kind of there, and he studied karate with us.

All three of us went to the same karate school, but they went to different karate schools on the weekends or some shit because they had moms somewhere else, like their parents were divorced. So it was really interesting to hang out with these guys growing up. and things happened and all of a sudden I did a couple movies and one day I got an email this my man Pino and he's living in Jersey he wants to talk to me going on you I picked up the phone this has to be maybe a year after the longest yard I pick up the fucking phone Pino what up oh my god let me tell you what happened buddy told me because you need something

my father done living the air conditioning business and fuck it I sold it and I made a few million dollars and everything's beautiful in my life he goes you need anything and I go no you know and he goes do you want to do breakfast lunch at dinner I go I do let's do breakfast tomorrow I go meet me at the Fort Lee diner so I meet him at the fortly dinner he looks beautiful he's still a handsome kid never gained a pound he always was a Cuban that was tan with blue eyes sits next to the table we order oatmeal eggs blah blah and in between the conversation he goes listen man I don't know if you're interested I have a sex lair I just she's been living in my basement for

years I got a tied up and shit he's telling me this whole fucking star he goes in fact I got to bring her an omelet you know he's telling me all this shit and I'm like listen brother I can't I can't I don't want to be involved he goes no it's all legit she's signed she signed pay for I put away money and that's grow for and in two years you know for two years she belongs to me I could fuck her my friends could fuck her whatever you want to do you want to come home with your cook where's she from I have no I didn't I stopped the I didn't want to know I didn't know if he was a fed you know listen I meet you for breakfast you're talking about a sex slave that's two different fuck I meet you off of

oatmeal and you start talking about sex slaves you know me rude I got to ask for the check I can't have that that early in the morning were she with him on the leash no he goes I was gonna bring you back to the house to meet my kid I go so how the fuck he goes no no my kid don't know I tell my kid that she's a tenant only I'm a lot down there. I got keys. I got a tied up. That's how she likes to be tied up. And that was it. I didn't ask if she was good looking. I didn't

ask what nationality she was. That had nothing to do with me, Rudy. Was there like a nuclear plant near your town? I don't understand. It's like a three-hour drive from where I grew up. And it just couldn't be more different. But now

I went to not Miami, Fort Laudel. about two years ago and he showed up and I asked him you still got the sex lady and he was not the contract ended she left and he was howling him and this kid were howling unbelievable you know do you think all the crazy shit that happened in an exilio was a continuation of crazy shit that was happening in the island or do you think people just lost it when they left the island and all of a sudden they find themselves in a culture clash they know what you know they know what the environment how to deal with it and they just start like doing crazy shit you think

that's what happened to Cuban people yeah or internationality at least I I had a more outside of the box experience living in New Jersey than I did when I moved back to Miami which is closer to to Cuba. You know, it seemed to be a little bit more kind of like the same pattern that we had living back in Cuba, in Miami. But moving to New Jersey, that was a whole different experience.

Do you think that had a lot to do with it for your experience being so far away from the belly button? Now, okay, so now, here I am. I'm living in 205 West. Stadiation. My mom has a bar. She's successful. She's got money at the time. My dad left the money. They had the restaurant up the corner from Willie Randi. To be honest with you, my mom had that up the corner from Club 38. Now, today it's a refrigeration place where they saw refrigerators

for restaurants. That was a restaurant called El Oake that my mom and my dad owned in the 50s. Before Fidel, it was a little restaurant. They sold Cuban sandwiches, Cuban coffee, and they made money because it was Robert Fulton, what is it, Robert Waters. It was Robert Waters, whatever that school is, right? I mean, right, it's like they owned, listen to me. It's like, you know that building across the street right now, Lee? Right. That's the high school?

My mom owned the funeral parlor. Oh. A little coffee shop. And that was their front for the numbers. The numbers was their big thing. When my father got here, he got here before my mother, and he teamed up with these Jewish dudes and they started pushing heroin when nobody knew this is the early 50s because he spoke their language so he was the interpreter so he took a piece of that money and started opening up businesses

he opened up that business then he closed that he opened up a bar on 29th street called evela and that was bands a restaurant that was the real deal i mean two doors down from speakermins a breakery those are the jews when you're living next the jews you've got to be making moves you know what I'm saying especially in 50 fucking oh they opened up the restaurant probably 61 60 oh that's that's a they had taken over this small little piece but at the same time Cubans were taking over a small piece of Miami so in the winters I would spend them in in New York City but the Last week of July, I would shoot to Miami to 130th and 130th Avenue on the southwest by Monkey Jungle.

And this is a complete different... This is a complete different world for me. My godfather at the time was a construction guy. He was a little league thing. He was a member of the chamber. He had two daughters and a son. Very, very successful. newspaper articles. He would take that.

When I was a kid, I would get on the fucking bulldozer with him, and I would see the fucking lizards and the snakes and the fucking animals. He would go to that property when it was still a swan dog. And then they would lay the thing, and then he would build the first house, and then he'd move into the first house.

And while he lived in the first house, he built four more houses that were duplicates of those houses. Compicina, you know, tremendous backyard with a lemon tree, an orange tree, na finka, whatever they called it, and blant. So you had this big property. So as a kid, I would shoot down there the last week of July. Now, when I went down there, I go to Red Berry's baseball camp,

and I live under my godmother's rules, which was no cursion, very religious. They didn't talk about what I talked about up there. But Rodolfo, I knew from my mom's conversations that Rodolfo was from the same my mom was from. So at night I would sleep with Rodolfo. Because him and Vivian never slept together anymore because he would snore at night. So he had a king-sized bed back there. So we would in Miami in those days. This is 71, 72, you're already in Miami? Okay, the TV would shut down at midnight at 1 o'clock. But the last show would be Mission Impossible.

And after Mission Impossible, and the TV would shut up, and the TV would shut up. of Redisazzo. And he would say, Coco, beat it to him. And me and him would get dressed and we'd take a ride to a place

that, La Guayita, and they would sell beers and milk and butter, and it was a drive-thru. Drive-through. They still have it. Jesus Christ,

Lysayette. You understand me, Lysayette. And the beer was, Lee, listen to me. It's crazy. The harder it was, Lee outside,

and the more humid it was, that fucking Cuban dude and that hut knew that beer had been under ice for 12 hours, you couldn't even hold it, it was so cold. God, and I'd be 10, and he'd buy me a fucking Budweiser, and I'd drink a Budweiser with him, and I'd get a little drunk and shit, and then he'd take me down to some fucking dock,

and we'd get on a boat, and he'd go out, and then he'd pick up bales of weed, and I'd make believe, like, I didn't know what was going on, but I did know what was going on, and he'd put him on the boat, and we'd drive back, He'd lock up his boat, bah.

And we'd drive back to the house like nothing happened. And on the way back, he goes, you don't understand this between me and you? My kids don't have to know nothing about this. And then he would tell me stories about him and my father growing up in Cuba with Tony Perez from the Cincinnati Reds. And how, wow, I'm up with old.

And when your dad died, it broke my heart. And I had a move and blah, blah, blah, blah. And he would cry. He would break down and cry. Then we'd go back to his house. It'd be like 5.30 in the morning. The sun would come up. We lay down for 10 minutes, and Vivian would make fucking eggs and bacon.

It was like, and nothing happened. And I'd do my shit with the kids. She would make us do homework from 9 to 10 that she would assign. Oh, no, no, no, you had to play the piano. So it was too, I lived like an undercover life, a Cuban undercover life. You understand me? I knew what was going on, but I didn't know what was going on. And then he ended up shooting some dude, and everybody, he went away to Atlanta,

and then his kids found out. I still keep in touch with the kids as best as I can. In fact, I was thinking of calling the son today. I was thinking about them. So those are the Cuban worlds I lived in. But all those families, like I said, those early families of kids I grew up with in Union City, those kids showed me the other world

and how the polite they were and how they couldn't speak that way in front of their mothers, you know what I'm saying? Like, I couldn't speak crazy, in front of my mother, but she wouldn't talk like regular moms. Like, I would never bring my mother in public, Rudy. Like, I would try to avoid my mother going to school

as much as I fucking could. Because she didn't know how to act. She was a fucking Wahida, you know what I'm saying? And to make it worse, a Wahita with money, with jewelry hanging off. You saw this thing today at the house? He saw the fucking thing when I was three. My sister sent me a picture from Cuba

of me and my mom when I'm in three. a suit on Rudy. That was your mom? Yeah, and she was there holding me with a mink hat on. Who wears a mink hat in 1966? You know what I'm saying? Not even black people had a mink hat on

in those fucking days. And the chain around her neck with the big fucking centa-baraqo assa-a-a-a-sha-cha and a tremendous gold cane like L.O. Cool, Jay. Who does the type of shit? You know what I'm saying?

I saw the ankle bracelet and my neck hairs stood up because when I was a kid, no women had ankle. braces. She would have a gold fucking bracelet with like a thing hanging on. Who wore that shit? You know what I'm saying? So I grew up and all that stuff and all those businesses in those days were all Cuban-known, Rudy. And you had to behave a certain way in those places. You had to act a certain way when you walked in those places. You couldn't be in there

giggling and shit. The other day, I'm flying. Okay? And there's a kid and there's a girlfriend. And I thought of you. I didn't think of you in this way, Lee. I just thought of you because I wanted to tell you on the podcast and I forgot because of what culture I come from. Okay. It's six in the morning, okay? I know it's fucking early, but you've got to pay attention.

People get shot every fucking day. You got to pay attention. This kid and this girl are fucking around. But obviously, they're with a guy. The kid's got to be, I clock them at 24. the girl's got to be about 23, and the old man's got to be about 60. As we're walking, I see that the two kids are walking more and more distance from the old man. I see the old man reaching his pocket.

I'm walking slanted behind him, and he takes something out, he goes back, he takes something out, and as we get to the TSA agent, the TSA agent goes, pick it and fucking ID. and by that point the old man walked up with them he looks at the bottom he goes what happened he's been comienda and I remember what that word

meant in my culture at that age tell him really what it means well eating shit yeah you know it's eating shit really is when you black out in life like I didn't see the kid running from out of the car ta commending mead

you were fucking around texting you were doing something you were not supposed to even be doing You're at my restaurant Sit down straight and look straight ahead You don't need to touch nothing In those days If you touch something they'd say

Don't do or not Don't say cullo Like if I would go to Hernandez's restaurant I wasn't allowed to touch the condiments He would tell me ten times Oh yeah Don't touch my condiments

You don't need to touch my condiments For no reason at all I don't want you touching the sugar I don't want you touching the salt I don't want You're sick of my kids throwing away Like the way I, and then Pino's Pizzeria came.

Pino's Pizzeria was on 22nd Burger Line Avenue. A tremendous fucking cheese slice. Wait a second. Wait a second. Is that Pino the sixth slave? No, no, there's a complete Pino. So that's why we would always go in there with Pino. So many Pinos.

When Pino open, we'd go in there with Pino and bust his bowl. With a real Pino, please stand up, and they would get pissed off. What Pino? We're from Mali. I'm Pino. I'm from Cuba. There's no Italian named Pino. Tremendos.

Then Pino's Pizzerio. Listen, you go to peanut Pizza Reader and take the pepper and throw it against the war And it was another day there, you know what I'm saying? But up to... You can go in there and throw the pizza and say,

fuck you, peanut. And that was another day in a life for those fucking savages. But two blocks up at Hernandez's Cuban restaurant, you had to act like a gentleman, though, because the old man would fucking fuck you up

And everybody knew it. He would fuck you up. He had a reputation of dragging people down Bergen line. And across the street was the buster. This is so fucking crazy to me. Like, how talking to you brings all this out. I forgot it. When you walked in today and we started talking about the palladium,

I thought about what I was going through in my life at that time and what seeing that EP meant to me at that time. Like, my head blew up. And now I see you here. We're eating and we're fucking around. It's Thanksgiving week. It's fucking crazy, really, son. It's nuts.

It's nuts. I'll never forget my first San Giviti in Miami. You know, because, you know, coming from Cuba, we didn't have that. We had noche, Juvena, and that was it, you know. So Sanctuary was like, and why does this sangivity is all about, you know, then you get to know about the pilgrims and the Indians and all that, right? But we were Cuban refugee. You know, our first Thanksgiving was 1961. We were fresh, fresh off the, not off the boat,

but off the Pan American Airlines flight. We landed in September, October, November. That's it. Two months later, you know, right after my birthday, you had Sangivity. And so my mom, you know, we were getting army surplus food at the time. All the Cuban refugees we did, which meant that my mom every couple of weeks, she would go with us, the kids. She would take one of those, a carrito, you know, like the little.

little cards that you put stuff in, you know, like your groceries or your laundry and stuff and drag it down, you know, for about four or five miles to the place where you picked up the Army surplus food. It's kind of like Costco, but only for refugees, you know. And they'll, you know, you go there and you give them a card that had like your allotment of how much every, you know, every couple of weeks. And they filled these boxes just like Costco and everything is plain wrap. plain wrap powder eggs

powder milk peanut butter government cheese uh spam we used to call it a candy de refugio and my mom learned to make

that means refugee meat refugee meat yeah I'm just trying to imagine what powdered eggs taste like powder eggs next time you come on some of these tits lick the white blue fluid

that drips that's powder eggs right there powder eggs you know it's gotta be It's American Airlines eggs. Yeah, like that. Or the, you know, when you stay in one of those hotels, you know, you know,

no budget, free breakfast, you know, powder, egg, eggs, scramble eggs, you know, stuff like that. Yeah. And so, yeah, so my mom had all of a sudden, you know, you know, it was kind of like, well, how am I going to feed my family with this crap, you know, but it was amazing. You know, the Cuban mind, you just kind of like adapt and be creative. You know, so she made croquettes de Refugio. She made, like, hamburger, patties, carnage de refugio. You know, everything was refugee meat.

And you could always smell it. You walked down the hallways of a, you know, of a project. You know, Miami would have big buildings where, you know, a lot of families live there. You know, two or three story high, you know, and you could smell the can of refugio, you know, cooking it. And with lard. They give you a can of lard, you know. And it was totally insane. Totally insane.

I can't lie to you. Every time I go to Rouse and I see that canned shit. Spam? I might get goosebumps because I want to buy it. Cut it, slice it thin and fry that motherfucker up with two eggs. You have no idea. At least I had. You have no idea.

When you drink a cup of coffee after that and don't go 10 feet farther from the bathroom. You understand me? Because your life's about to flash in front of you. Spam. Spam is not bad. You know what? I don't eat it. I haven't eaten.

years but I could go buy a can of spam right now get some spinach cook it up with some olive oil with some garlic some fucking some spicy pepper that red crushed pepper and eat some spam with some spinach what damn me go ahead but that's all we had nothing yeah that's no one choice you had spam kind of for you you know yeah you know now how old were you when you left Cuba Rudy was about two or three two and a half months shy of And what do you remember? Like what do you? Like I said,

I grew up in a house that I was too young to remember what was going on. So you have this, you have, you have this hundred percent hatred around. Now I know when I look at you and I go, I hate the Boston Red Sox. No. When I look you straight in the face and I go, you know, that's if he don't even like a puttta, like I say, more like that gang said, You know, when I look at people to look at that, I grew up with that type of hate for Fidel. Yeah.

Like, it was fucking ugly, spinning hate. You know, I was around when they started looking for anybody who was associated with Batista. Like, that's how hatred Cubans were. In 1970 through 75, I used to hear rumblings of these Cubans looking for Cubans that had been involved with, that were now in their 60s, that were involved in the Batista regime and now they were going to hunt them to fuck down. And I remember, I told you as a kid I grew up with it, they put him in the witness relocation plan. He was one of Batista's drivers.

And I remember going, would I fucking leave an island and hunt somebody down? Even at that age, with no logic, I was like, that's fucking hatred. But you know what, by the age of 16, Rudy, my mother died, other things were popping up. I had forgotten all about this hatred for Fidel. So whenever he was on TV now, because in the home I grew up with, as soon as he came on TV, you had to switch the channel. You had to switch it right away, and temp is flared, and sometimes somebody broke down in tears. It was ugly.

At that fucking bar, I saw it a thousand times. The mood go from fucking, that's how much hatred there was in the early 70s towards Fidel Castro, where I grew up. And then I saw when I forgot about this hatred. The movie Scarface came out. And all of a sudden, I watched the Celia show. And by episode 20, they got to go to Mexico. But Fidel just turns on this country. And his hatred for fucking black people and his hatred for gay people

and how he just took people's businesses and put them on a fucking pedium. And they had to have tickets for food. And, you know, Celia Cruz wouldn't look at him in Chang-Gavara. you know, they have that scene where they told her, make sure you sing that song to Fidel directly and say and nod and smile, and she wouldn't do it. So they declared her whatever of the state,

and then she lost the house and they attacked her. It's very interesting. What do you remember, Rudy? Well, growing up, well, first of all, my parents, they originally, we were going to get on a cruise that was bound for Spain that was going to do a layover in New York City. And the plan was to, when my family arrived on this ship in New York City to ask for political asylum, you know, and stay over in New York. Well, the cruise right before the ones that we were scheduled to get on, half the boat did that.

they did that. They just got off and asked for political asylum in New York City. So from that point on, they say, well, we're not going to stop in New York anymore. We're just going to keep going from Havana to Spain, wherever it was, probably Barcelona, you know. So my parents had to, like, start all over again. You know, we had a sponsor that claimed us from the United States. We have visas. We have everything.

It was all legal, you know, plus a passport. Plus the danger of doing that in a communist country because once you the the powers that be find out that you're leaving that also you're a guzzano you know you're leaving the country you're leaving the revolution basically you're not supporting the revolution anymore so my parents took my brother and me out of school for that year because in schools you know the teachers were made to ask the kids the kids were made to ask the kids kids questions about how their parents are talking about Fidel and the revolution at home. You know, they were kept after school for that. And one of the instances, I remember one of the teacher coming in to, you know, to our class and saying, okay, I want you old kids to pray to God for ice cream.

We did and got nothing. And then she goes, okay, now pray to Papa Castro for ice cream. And we got ice cream, you know. So they were indoctrinated. our generation, you know, and turning us against our parents. And we were kids. We didn't know what was going on. You know, when you were a kid, you're basically honest, you know, when they ask you certain

questions, you know, especially when there's an authority figure, kind of like threatening you, you know, in school. Basically, just their presence would be enough to do that. So my parents wanted to avoid any possibilities. That was around the time where they were doing the Pioneritos. pioneers which is basically they were taking kids from families sending them over to russia and there was a there was a movement that started happening in miami called los peter pan peter pan was getting the kids out of cuba and putting then in foster homes around the

united states new orleans miami certain other parts of the country just to avoid from having the kids being sent over to Russia at the time. When we arrived in Miami, I mean, I was in Havana when Bay of Pigs happened, and we were in Miami when the October missile crisis happened. So I have a recollection of all of the intensity in the air that you felt, you know, because you just didn't know. You didn't know if it was good. You were experiencing the beginning of a World War III.

You know, it was really, really thick. I'm being a young man. I'm not being, you know, six, and everywhere you went had a fallout shelter. Oh, yeah. You know, schools had the fucking drills. Yeah. And you had to go down to the basement,

and they gave you a package to one day we had to stay on there for two hours, and they gave you a package, and they had tang. Tang? Tang with water and, like, a fucking, some fucking artificial sandwich and shit. and we were more prepared like they were preparing kids for war in those days like we always had to go to a basement of some shit I didn't see it as war I saw as the the end of the world this was it and then what was going to happen let's say you came out of that cave to this new world where everything is destroyed what what are you going to do you know did you ever see Castro when you were kid yeah I did

Where did you see him? My dad used to work for La Revista Weemia. He was one of the technicians. He ran the three-bobbin machine. There was like three big cylinders of paper, and they would rotate, and the paper would be printed on that, right? So, yeah, we worked at the La Revista Weimia for many years,

and so he had a technician status. technical so he was part of the Union and everything so there was this guy Miguel Anger Kevedo who owned La Rebista Weimia and he and he was you know he was a very wealthy man and he actually supported the revolution so right after the revolution you know when Castro came into power he threw a big party at his ranch for the employees and for Fidel you know so Fidel was there and and so you know at that time he had not declared himself a a Marxist Leninist yet he was just Fidel Castro you know revolution a revolutionario you know

so you know it wasn't like a like a real scary situation because you know things were just this is right after the revolution and then after that he started making all the speeches and the country went until in the whole different direction and that's when shit became very scary. Yeah, the first people that we knew that actually left the country were Chinese that were in our neighborhood. You know, the ones that owned the...

Los Chino, you know, they had the fruit stand, they had the Chinese restaurant, the laundry, all of that. Because they came to Cuba from China, running away from communism. And once Castro, you know, declared himself a communist and said, we're out of here.

and they just made out they lived for San Francisco you know to do it in 1960 it was one of the biggest Chinatowns yeah a Chinatown in Cuba I thought some people stayed and Fidel left them alone supposed to

I didn't know what was going on you know I reconnected with my sister and one conversation we had we had a conversation about a time period when I found the letter that they wrote you know

and then I couldn't believe what I was reading I cannot believe the words I was reading. And I remember asking my sister, how was it being raised? And she goes, it was all according to how much money your mom sent that month. You know? And like I just, I still remember like those years where there was kind of, when my mother had to sell the bar and she couldn't send as much money as they could.

That was one of the letters they sent. and I asked my sister about it, and she goes, you know, there was a time where they were just turning this whole island against you guys. She goes, it was just terrible, where they were on top of us. And then when I met my cousins for lunch, dinner one night after I spotted the improv right here on, they were telling me, like, what it was like to grow up and have to hide albums when they first got Led Zeppelin-Four would stay away to heaven. And just, Jesus of fucking Christ. It's just weird to hear. It was really eye-opening, watching that Celia show

because when I go to Portland, I want to meet with an attorney up there, a friend of mine, a dear friend of mine, and maybe we can put this warrant thing away and I could go to Cuba and see my sister, because my sister won't leave, bro. What the fuck am I? I already, do it really.

And I haven't seen my sister since I was three years old. I can't die and not see my sister. Lee, you're right over there. You're over there, fucking mumber stumbling by yourself. Everything right over there, Lee? I'm doing fine. I'm just, I'm just, it's a crazy country. It's weird.

My aunt and uncle are going next week now for our vacation, so now it's totally open. You should go with them and take 100 stars and try 200 of the stars of a Canadian tourist, you know what I'm saying? Take a couple kilos, do something, cock sucker. Let me give some shout out to your, real quick, Tom Swab, Kern Michael, I love you,

Jeff Tellerman, newly won love, Alex Costino, Hugo Tappin, Dr. Nick Bollovich, Uki-Spooky, Bob Lalingas and his family, and the rest of the church, goddamn family. I love you guys.

Happy Thanksgiving. One thing before the show, I asked you about the resurgence of music. The resurgence of music. music because the music business has changed so much over the last few years that everything changed like they started not having record sales so bands had a tour for the labels to make money is that correct something like that something to not making money off records i don't know what i heard so no i i i make the least from my catalog from from record sales or even download i make

the most i mean from other sources streaming sources or We actually now get paid for non-terrestrial performances on records that you are signed to the record deal. Like, for example, I was signed to all the record deals for Quiet Riot. So I, every time a quiet from the record, from the mental health record or a condition of critical record, the song gets played on the radio. As a performer, I make money on that. That was not the rule as a performance. performer on the radio on the radio you know non-terrestrial which mean like

Spotify serious exam all that stuff not the the ones with antennas but you know computer satellite radio and stuff like that and you know that's it kind of like balances it out it makes up for it but I would say most of the income today is not from catalog is actually from sometimes getting your music placed in a movie or television or advertising and also for performing live and VIP meets and greets and merchandising and that money is actually allocated towards your your cost, your overhead for transportation, you know, even if you have a bus or you're flying or your hotels or paying for the crew and so on. It's not, you know, it's money that you

must make in order to break even or make, you know, some sort of profit. But over the years, you know, when I was growing up, you went to see Michael Jackson four nights at the Middlelands. And he just did four at the garden. For a couple of years, they had live shows. It seemed like the numbers are going down. And all of a sudden, I guess these promoters put all these bands together and said, listen, fuck all this shit. Let's get four of you motherfuckers together and take it out there.

old school the market's out there the market's out there you know oh yeah absolutely and you're active and you're fucking uh you're out there again and also in all these bands these resurgence and i think it's great you know bad company toured this year like i said peter gabriel toured would fucking sting you know that was a great tour who would have thought you know we were talking about how poison and deaf leopids going out you know all these bands and i'm like your phone must be fucking ringing really You know, I'm actually doing gigs with a band called The Guess Who, you know, American Woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's great. I'm having wonderful time. We do a lot of civic auditoriums, theaters, casinos. So, yeah, it's not a club band. It's a classic rock, you know, established group. And people will go see them. Yeah. Like people like me would go, what the fuck, let's go.

American woman is one of my jams. I'm going to jump out of the window. Oh, absolutely. And I got to tell you, the whole set is packed with hits. They had 17 hits, top 40 hits in their history. And I'm beginning to learn a bit about that, about that circuit. Because most of the bands that I play with in the past have been, you know, what they call 80s bands, you know, and that's a whole different, you know, hierarchy.

But the hierarchy with classic rock bands, for example, we did a show with three dope nine. So whoever goes on, the headliner is decided by who had the most hits. Thrulyle Gnight had like 21 top 40 hits. So they guess who? We open up for them because we only had 17. You know, so that's the way that they weigh things. You know, it's all about how many hit songs on the radio you actually had. Which makes sense.

Yeah. No, fuck it. Why fuck around. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. But the thing is, if you go.

to the 80s bands no you know i mean who had 21 top 40 singles from an 80s band you know maybe a bon jovi maybe got close to that i would you know i mean i'm talking about rock bands and because they were mainly we saw you know we used to sell records albums and that would be about two or three singles or that weren't even singles there were mt vdv videos you know with white snake in In 1987, for the 87 record, we had four videos, which meant that we were able to tour for about a year and a half on that record, because we first went out as an opening band for Muddly Crew. Then we came back around again playing basically the same market as a headliner.

And then we, that was in the winter, and then we did the summer tour. And then we went to Europe and Asia and whatever. So it was a little bit different that the classic rock bands is. It's based on top 40 billboard hits. No MTV videos. You didn't have to gaze on another illusion. I thought you replaced two people together. I'm singing Chicago.

That's another band. That's the other band. Yeah. How many hits they got 40? Yeah, they went through a... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean...

But the singer's not there. Peter Satera is not there. It's not there. Actually, they had three singers. But the fucking horn sounds tremendous. Yeah. I saw them do some Hall of Fame show when they did 250624, whatever.

Fucking off. The one section was insane. They had three lead singers, Bobby Lamb, Robert Lamb, a piece of terror, and Terry Cath. And then they brought in another lead vocalist into the band, you know. And yeah, it's all about the songs, you know, with that classic rock, you know, market. I saw somebody, you know, one of those fucking jerk-offs.

I have Yahoo.com. And I scrolled down one day and somebody wrote the top touring bands of a genre without the original members. You know me, I'm a music guy, Rudy. I'm looking at this. And I saw the numbers they're doing. And if one guy left, you know, with Bad Company, I think there was two guys from the original band. Yes, they are.

There was somebody touring with nobody original. It was something crazy. The kid's son put the band together, his friends. I don't even know what the fuck was going on. Actually, with Bad Company, it's up until recently, it's three members. You have Simon Kirk, the drums, Mick Ralph's. on guitar and Paul Rogers on vocals.

Who was the old bass player for them? Buzz Burel. I did a radio show. He passed away. I did a radio show in Chicago with the guitar player. Yeah, McRiles. Very nice guy. But it's crazy how I read the article.

I looked at it from the fucking writer's perspective, how he was trying to blow these people out of the water type of deal. But I looked at it from a different perspective. Look at the numbers they're doing. When I go see those guys, it's about nostalgia, right? Absolutely, absolutely. It's about that song they did when I used to finger bang that chick behind the fucking Carvel, and the dead of the winter, and the eight of the nine, the da-da-da-da-da-da.

Absolutely. So I could see how, for me, I would go to more of them. I went to one at the Hollywood Bowl from the 80s with Cindy Lauper and somebody else and somebody else. My wife got the tickets. We said, what the fuck? You had the cab drop us off right next to the joint, so we don't have to be walking up the hill from Franklin, you know what I'm saying? That's how you're doing?

You're abandoned ship. What else are you doing over there? What else you got on the agenda the rest of the day? The day is pretty much over once this is done. What are you doing tonight? Tonight, I don't know. You're going to bleach your eyeballs? Bring them back to light.

Look at those things. Oh, my God, yeah. See, I told you in the afternoon, you want to mess around with Uncle Joey. I'm like the Wu-Tank laying, you know what I'm saying? Maybe if I get out in time, maybe I'll go to do a Resina. What's from Resina? Black Horse, Dark Horse. Oh, that's right.

Tonight's a Black Horse. I got a spot at the store, I think. Oh, okay, cool. I got a spot at the store. I'm going to go home. I'm going to hang out with the family and stuff like that. What's your schedule looking like? Tazan, talk to me.

Are you here? What is the next guest rule? In December, I believe, 9th or 10th. Yeah, we got three more shows, and they're basically in the Dakotas. Because in the wintertime, that's exactly where you want to be. You know, we got three. Listen, when I go in the winter, I go in the winter there for a reason. Do you know what I'm saying?

If you're going to go there, if you're going to end of the summer, it ain't going to be the same type of party. Yeah, exactly. When you go to Buffalo, you're going to go in January or don't go to Buffalo. You're going to go in my perspective. That's true. When I go to New York City, I go in November or September. I do that for a reason.

I don't want to be in Miami in August. I want to be Miami in October. but the dolphins are winning. Everybody's happy. You know what I'm saying? There's certain places you want to go at certain times of the year. Detroit, you want to go to Detroit in January. Yeah.

If you're going to rock the house, fuck it. If not, you end up like the singer. Fuck it. Yeah, and that's true because early on, I learned, you know, from touring with Ozzy, we used to do a lot of winter tours. And that was because there was less traffic, less bands. You know, like if you go out in the summer, everybody's on the road. You go out in the wintertime.

Everybody is back home, you know, resting from having too much turkey after Christmas. And then you're out there, you're cleaning up because there's no competition. You know, you're the only game in town, basically. But there's also a strategy for me now, today's economy. In today's economy, once November, the second week in November starts, I don't fly eastbound until mid-January. I do not touch LAX to mid-January the last week of January. now I have a thousand reasons for that I don't want to be that asshole because every

year we sit there Christmas Eve full it's over you're happy and you're watching world news tonight and they show you millions of strand millions of airplanes stranded for the holidays sleeping on cards yelling at the fucking lady of Delta so I made it a fucking habit the first week of December is it for me number two, I'm an R-rated act. They have a lot of Christmas parties starting the second week of December. Why fuck around? Why take a chance?

You know what I'm saying? The club owners are very nice to me. I understand. I get it. The week for me to go back is December 26. That's when Satan comes out. That's when everybody wants to get their dick suck. They got a new pair of socks. They got a new pair of pants. That's an uncle Joey

shows up to your town. That's a good week, but I'm very lazy now, Rudy. I'm scared of flying. snow and delays and all that shit then the holidays makes people crazy there's always a plane that goes off the track at fucking ohara right the train can't the plane can't stop it takes the fucking it takes the fucking burger king signed down and left field you know why be a part of that kind of the airport gets crazy you want to go home for what to do what to make two thousand three four five it's not worth your life it's not worth being sticking an airport for a day and a half it really isn't you

Hey, mom, I love you. I'll see you the last week of January with a bigger gift than I was going to get you in December because it gives me two weeks to clean up that visa card. You know what I'm saying? And I can start all over again. That's just, for me, I don't like those weeks. Yeah.

Right now, I go to Portland next week, and the party's over. I go to Portland, December 1st, second, and third. And when I come back, and I go out of Burbank. Oh, yeah. That's it. I wibri-e-a-fung-Ivigiti. And I fly back into Burbank, and that's the last time, because you also need a,

You don't need a break from travel. You also need a break from airports. So that'll put me out like seven weeks. I don't see a fucking airport. That gives me a complete break, and I'm not flying in the danger zone time of the year. Listen, don't get me wrong. A plane could go down in the summertime in October, November,

but that's not what I'm scared of. I'm scared of delays. I'm scared of last week. Lee and I had a drive from Boston to Connecticut, and I didn't think about it until I got back into my bed. that night how much that bothered me that night I don't like driving with strangers really Sarzo something doesn't click on me if that shit I don't want to be a movie star I want to drive the fucking car you know what I don't know

who you are I'm not one of those P I don't know I don't know whether it's a limo a cab driver that type of distance you know now I come back in January listen unless I got a fucking sled dog I I'm not doing Boston to fucking Connecticut in fucking January. You know, there's just things that you look at yourself

and you go, I don't really need to do this at this point in my life. I used to fly to Buffalo in January between you and I because of my love for Buffalo. It's a connecting flight. If that was a connecting flight

to somewhere else, I wouldn't fucking go. You know what I'm saying? I really like Buffalo. When I go to Buffalo, I feel like home. For two, three days, I feel like home.

I like the wings. I like the blue, geez that's the way it is you know what I'm saying I'll go to Detroit in fucking January test me I go to any part of Michigan in fucking January I love all that type of shit but that holiday travel broody that shit ain't for me puppy that from they lose luggage you got a kilo in the suitcase now you got to get 10 smacks to the face and you're to tell the story I don't know what happened I left the stewardess was smiling you know what I'm saying?

Fuck you. Fuck you. I don't want to see nobody that bad for the holidays. I went to New York last year. I left on the 9th.

I came back on the 13th with my family. The plain deal we got was sensational. We could not believe the tickets we had on Virgin because that's the time

of the year to really dig it. That's your last chance to fly cheap. Nobody flies between the 9th. and the 13th or 14th. That's in the Christmas travel starts. And the 15th.

The plane tickets went down. The hotel tickets went down. I took them, I put them in Edgewater. We went over the city every day in the ferry like movie stars and shit. We walked over, went to see the tree, and we came back before the Christmas rush. It's a very nice time.

And I want to work now. I was with my family. Next time I'll work in New York or something. I know that's still pretty cool. But that's possibly the last one. week I'll work. After that I don't like that Christmas travel brother. What about you, Lee?

You don't fly during Yom Kippur, so you don't give a fuck, Jack. Lee don't fly during Jewish holidays. He told me this years ago, but he don't want the people to know because he feels embarrassed. Yeah, I feel very embarrassed. But I've never been able to. I've never been able

to go home for Thanksgiving. I've always wanted to, but like, it's not really the biggest one. Like, that's why I tended to go home during December because Thanksgiving wasn't huge but it's too expensive like a lot of people try to go back for both and it would be like 600 bucks and I couldn't do it so I have I've been here like six years I think I haven't been able to go back but then again who wants to get stuck in that in that so it's not really snowed Doug oh yeah it's

already yeah it's already yeah two days of my was talking to Justin And he was asking me, how about you going here that week? And I go, dog, you know, that's one of my danger zone weeks. I don't go into Dangerville those weeks. He goes, what are you talking about? It never snows there these types of the year. I go, dog, I grew up there. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with it?

Mother Nature sends you a zing in November. It's called Dean Durray. Dude, I talked to him yesterday. He said, dog, I had to leave New York. It was so fucking cold. Yeah, we look California people, dog. That skin melts. I had to turn the heat on this morning.

I was embarrassed. 47 degrees. We got to turn heat on. It's your mom. Terry, she comes in, wow, wow, wow. Turn on the heat. I'm freezing in here. I fucking go to New York at this age.

I'll fucking collapse, Rudy Saw. I've been living like a doctor out there in the sunlight, rubbing number two on my legs, you know, going to drink coffee. I'm going to go shovel snow. What do people die doing? Shoveling fucking snow. That's what I want to do. I can't do it now

I thought about Colorado the snow's little light I would consider like a southern town I hear those southern part of Colorado's really booming What about in New York City You wouldn't have to shovel

Listen Leave me alone Leave me alone Where you got to bother me I just told you I don't want to live in that cold weather Whether I have to shovel or not You know why There's a thousand angles widely

I can't see at this age Getting out of your fucking house where your chancelotas on and your robe and have to turn your fucking car on full blast heat sit there like a fucking frozen midget then clean off the windshield and go in your house and get dressed and by the time

you come out your car is warmed up I can't imagine doing this at the same where these size are you? Tell me the truth no I'm done really yeah I'm done yeah I thought there was something wrong with me I've thought about the advantages of moving New York listen I love New York

but in my heart that ship's sail I'm too old from New York. What advantage do I get from New York right now? I get to do comedy at 2 in the morning. I don't want to be out after 10. I'm scared. It's a different world out there. I love playing New York.

Oh, I love going to Gotham. I love, fuck, do it. Let me show you a picture of pizza 50 yards away. Let me tell you some. This is the type of pizza eat. I don't give a fuck. If you have to go to the hospital from the gluten, you've got to eat this when you're in New York.

Just have the ambulance. Just cut it in with Chris Mizzle. Go, Chris, listen. The pizza down the corner, I'm going to eat a slice. Part of our contract is we've got to split the ambulance. I got to get taken right to the hospital. This pizza destroyed my insides. I was like, this is.

I was just walking, minding my own business, whistling down the street. You know me, Rudy Suzzler. I don't bother nobody. And I look over to the side, and lo and behold, look at this. 50 yards away. That's a lot of gluten. Yeah, but it don't matter.

You go to the hospital. It's all right. And it's glowing. It's like, you know what? It looks like those, the food that, you know, when you go to Japan, they'll have the menu in a, like in a shelf outside of the restaurant, like replicas, plastic replicas of food. And they actually sometimes looks better than the food that you get inside the restaurant. That's what it reminds me of. I took that picture. That's no fucking replica,

bro. What else they got here? They got the slice. They got the stromboli. Oh, look at that shit. They got everything in this place, man. Wow. They got two Italians, four Mexicans, but it's all right. It all balances out at the end of the night. Lee Syed, how are you doing

over there? You're seeing the devil, aren't you? You never thought Uncle George is going to take it deep into the murky waters at two in the afternoon. One thing I've learned from you, Rudy, is is you have to take care of yourself. I'm looking at you and I'm like this guy is a savage. You're a savage.

You got to take care of yourself. You know, it's going on the road. It's hard. Oh, my God. And it gets harder every three weekends you go. Yeah. And you and I, you know, we're not like athletes in the sense that, you know, let's say you're Derek Jeter. You have a bad game.

You know, you strike out four times during the game, right? Next day, the stadium, Yankee Stadium is going to be filled again. No problem, right? You and I, if we have one bad show, people ain't coming back. It's done. You come back and half empty, you know, room, you know? So every night you have to be, you have to hit a grand slam every single night. And you have to be in shape for that.

You can be sick. You can be feeling ill or tired. I got a lot. It's it's so funny how you learn for me one of the biggest lessons were and people get upset with me is I don't smoke pot with people on the road. That's the biggest fucking road to fucking pneumonia, especially when you travel a lot. I don't mingle too much. People want to hug you, their coffin. That's okay, but I won't smoke pot, which it's amazing how many people come up to your coffin and they want to smoke pot with you. You're like, dog, I got to go do a movie next week and do this and they're like, no, no, I had a pneumonia. but it went away. I went to the doctor. You're like, dog, it don't matter. I get a lot of sleep on the road, man. I don't do a lot of movement on the road, Rudy Sarzo. I'm going to be strictly honest you.

I fucked around in my career for 16 years. I go on the road for no money and I'd act like an asshole on stage. I'd have a set list, but I wouldn't. I didn't really care what they thought. I was a comedy store comic and I was happy with that. I would open up for Joe Rogan and I would do well in no shows

because Joe would pay me well so I had to do well and be a little prepared but I didn't really get it until I started headline. That's what are people realizing people paying $20 to come and to see me. How important it is for me to be in a certain shape, a certain state of mind.

I got to bat 60% Because even if I bet 60, I could turn that into 80. Do you follow me? We have tricks. I have tricks to confuse you comically. Where even if the closer doesn't work, his first 30 minutes are really hilarious. You know, there's rooms I go to now that I'm not connecting with them

the first 35 minutes really. And all of a sudden I twist it on them and I turn my energy on him and I focus on the last 15 and three quarters of the room gives me a standing ovation. Even though I ate shit for 35 minutes, I have tricks. I've been doing it for 25 fucking years.

You know what I'm saying? I'm a hooker. You know what I can do to your dick? I can lick it, let it on fire, suck the blow hard out of your ass, show you your kidney. You know, I could do a doctor's test better than he can't.

I'll let you know what you got before the doctor. You got a certain taste in your sperm. You're missing some fucking carrot juice. You know what's that? Lee, wake up, Cucksucker. Look at the shape of you, Lee. Lee, you need another star, Lee.

That's what the problem is. I might. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at the shape of you. But we, and you know what I'm talking about, Rudy Sarger. You see it with singers. A singer. A singer will come out and say,

guys, by the way, I don't know what the fuck you're thinking. Those motley crude days are over. We're lowering her from 16 to 3. You know what I'm saying? I got a sound, whatever. And you go see this. I mean, you know the singer's struggling? This is 20 fucking years ago.

Yeah, but even when the singer's struggling, you know, the more struggling the singer goes through, the bigger, the explosions and the light show on stages. It's deflecting. There you go. I do the same. As comedians, we do the exact same thing. If Thomas Ward used to have a great joke that he had a little dick,

so whenever he fucked, he made shit happen in the room. Like, he'd break a window. he'd break a lamp and he hit it with a shoe and shit. You know, I don't know what the joke was, but basically that he would detract them from having sex, you know. As a comedian,

there's nights I go up there and I can't believe what's happening. You know what I'm talking about. There's nights when you're on stage, even if I say hello, they're puking with laughter. And there's nights, they don't laugh for the first ten minutes.

I got to twist it on them and take them down a different dungeon. I got to show them a different fucking coffin. You know what I'm saying? You got to take them somewhere else. And even though that wasn't the fucking schedule, that wasn't the plan. How long does it take you to realize that?

Ten minutes. I just did three shows. I'm just saying, I'm talking about a situation here. I just did three shows. These people on the way out that were calling an ambulance. They couldn't breathe.

Okay, I taped the show with Lee. I listened to it. Now when I listen to it, I know what to say and how to say it. I just learned that now after 25 years because he started taping my sets before I started taping the special. I did the exact same set the second night. The exact same first eight, nine, ten, twelve minutes.

And it didn't go nowhere. And I sent a specific line that wasn't. It wasn't a curse. And it really didn't go nowhere. And then I flipped it. And I told the story to bring them down to level. Let me bring you down to my level. Let me tell you what I go through.

You know, when I was 28, I did this, this, this, this, and this. You take them to a specific situation. Now I get them laughing from a different corner of their heart. You follow me? Now I'm getting them. So we have current. But guess what? Well, I'm telling that story, and I'm trying to tell that story to form.

I'm really trying to fucking think about what's going to come out of my mouth next so I can keep these motherfuckers alive now. I'm resuscitating them little by little. That woman that was staring at me like I kicked a kid in the mouth, she's laughing now. She's actually giggling at my jokes, even though I throw a pussy joke at her. And now you think about the next move. And if you could think of your next three steps that quickly, you got them. We'll worry about the next three steps when we get through. Let me worry about the next three steps.

Now I know exactly where the fuck I'm going. You know, I started hanging around comedians when I met Sam Kinnison. We had the same management, you know, as when I was in White Snakey. We share a lot, you know, as far as the business goes. And I got to play on its record because of that. Because we had, you know, the management called me and say, hey, you know, can you be tomorrow? at the studio and do this song, Wow Thing with Sam, and then

from that on, and, you know, we became really close friends. Hung out with the family, you know, Malika, his wife, and Sabrina, and, you know, so we have a really, really strong relationship, but along with Sam came all the

other comedians, you know, he had the outlaws of comedy. Shuby, you know, Carl LeBoe, Alan Stevens, you know, all of that. 20 o'clock yeah all of that and jimmy what's his name jimmy not schubert she's jimmy schubert jimmy schubert yeah and so you know that was kind of like my my introduction to to comedy world you know and i tell you

you know i i saw a lot of shows uh with sam he used to go and tried his material in paul springs and i used to have a house out there and sam would love to rent out elvis's home in paul springs so he would stay there and then go down to it the local comedy club and just do do shows you know then I will bring them over over to my house and messed them up with like these drinks that I used to make scorpions and then he would do the next show oh it's just blutter completely gone you know meanwhile Sabrina was recording everything you know and I I really gained so much respect for you guys because you guys you can't really deflect. There's just you with a microphone and the audience. You got nothing. You don't have a

drum solo with such shit going wrong. Okay, drum solo or guitar solo or a wah-wa. You don't even have a wawa, you know? It's like it's you with your dick in your hand up there on front of the stage, one light on you most of the time and the audience. And that's it. And it's not like, you know, like you have a bit. You know, like we know how to pace our set list. because we're going to put like a song that the crowd is familiar with, and then we throw another hit like three songs into the set, then we finish the duo, finish with a strong song, and then the encore is the song everybody's waiting for.

You know, so, you know, we kind of like, we're holding the audience, you know, like, you know, at ransom here because they want to hear certain songs. With you guys, you come up with new stuff all the time. I'm not laughing you. Fuck, though, he just fell over. He passed out. He went.

I know that. Oh, he's been passing out for a while. Yes, he did. Yes, he did. Oh, what am I going to do with him? I'm sorry, buddy. Oh, that's right. People passing out.

It's 2016. So, you know, like I was saying, I'm really, really impressed with how you guys are able to, every single night, be able to handle that. It's amazing. I mean, I saw Sam get up on stage. doing like two shows in one night like he did a whole weekend at Caesar's Palace

in the big ballroom and the second night he hadn't slept from the night before he stayed up partying and he would just hit the stage now we were hanging out in his suite and we knew how messed up he was but as soon as he hit that stage he was spot on

and he had the crowd right there the crowd was cheering for him even before he opened his mouth you know like like what you're saying you know you could just grunt into the microphone and people would be fucking laughing if i the night i got the caesar's palace if i went up the first night i know there's a package waiting for me afterward that's the best show you ever gonna see if i know there's a sweet i know that 99% somebody's gonna lick my nuts and put a firecracking my asshole i know i'm gonna party with rudy and god knows who else those two shows are gonna be the best show you've ever seen your life, but I got to be in bed by five.

And I got to get up and I got to sweat a little bit and I got to write. And the first show that night is going to be a little rusty. The second show is going to be great. If I stay up all night and go to the show, you better give them their money back. You better give them that money back. Like I would never even plan a binge if I had a big show the next night. An open mic, a $50 show, yeah, fuck. that I couldn't even because my heart wouldn't be connected with my head there was so many

times in Miami I was committed to the weekend and it was so horrible Rudy because I went from a comic with emotion to a press here and I could see the audience knew it they laughed but it wasn't what the joke was because there was no emotion in a joke I became when we went to the Wilbur, I got a big time anxiety attack when I first walked off the stakes. There was a lot of people there. And if you asked Lee, the first two minutes at the Wilba, I was very rigid. I didn't try to move around too much, so I didn't have to breathe that much. So I wouldn't pass out on stage in front of fucking 1,000 people.

So the first two or three minutes, even if you listen to it, you'll feel my tone and everything and all of a sudden. Once I became animated. was when the room changed. Once the arms start moving, the whole fucking deal and pa-p-pah-pah, that's it. That's when I start pulling them in.

But if I just stand there in front of the microphone, like I'm going to recite the fucking apocomation, mockumation, whatever the fuck that is, apoculation, pocate, whatever, Abe Lincoln, it's not going to work out for me. I got to move,

I got to get involved, you know, a little shit like that. I started doing this joke and one day Lee pulled me over and he goes, Hey man, I like when you do this little thing. And that little thing gets a tremendous laugh. I did it one night on stage because I was high and I had eight people in the audience and I was lip-being myself and, you know, just, you learned so much in 25 years, Rudy Sarzo.

I don't have to tell you. I know, yeah. I don't have to tell you. I love the guy that walks up to you now and goes, hey man, you mind the way back then, dude. You know, I've been playing for six years. I played just like you or whatever. And the first 10 minutes of the conversation is very interesting.

But the next 10 minutes, he's kind of not putting you down, but he's talking in a way like he's trying to do something to you now. if you were back with Randy God bless his soul and Ozzy you might have punched him in the fucking mouth Rudy Sarzo you know the type I'm talking about but because you are who you are today you look at him

you say a prayer for him and as you walk away you predict this future you go I'll give this fucking bum three years you don't tell nobody because you're a decent person and you call it right every time from the way they came up to you and approached you Do you follow me?

You ever have that? You know what I'm talking about. I get it, I get it, yeah. It's, it's, it's, but I love when a comic comes up to me and tries to speak a certain way to me, you know. And 20 years ago, I would have kicked him in the stomach. But knowing who I am today, I look at him, and I could tell by his attitude where he's going to end up, just because he's moving too fast. I know before this even gets going, this is going to fall apart.

He's going to take him a few years to get back on this because of this attitude that he's showing towards me. You know what I'm saying? Like, I've been doing this for fucking 25 years. You've been doing it for four. And somebody liked you at a festival. That's two different fucking worlds. I've been banging it out at the store for fucking 15 fucking years.

Following Paul Mooney and Joe Rogan. Tonight I've got to follow Ari Shafir. What do you think that's like? These guys are explosive in 15 fucking minutes. You go down there and. follow fucking DeLeah. See what happens to your... You go down there with a base with a fucking chick that lights herself on fire

and they'll just look at your Rudy Sazzo. That's how strong you know, you learn how to navigate yourself after all those acts. You could do two things. You could take that energy that they left on stage, do something good with it, talk well about the comment that just came up and flow with his energy and now you stole the show or

you could fight that energy and try to be a fucking wise ass and try to say something sarcastic about that act and the audience shuts down on you like a fucking like a, I don't even know what to compare it to, I'm so fucking high right now. It happens in music too because we got, you know, at one point, at some point you're in the opening band

or at some point you are the headliner. So it's exactly the same thing. You know, the opening band, sometimes you can write on the energy of the opening band, you know, because the opening band actually gets to warm up, you know, the audience. And then you actually, matter of fact, if you, if the opening band has a certain energy, you might shift your opening song to maybe a higher energy. So you can actually match the way that they ended, because the last thing you want to do is to drop down the energy. If they really end up with a high energy song, the listen you come in with like a mid-tempo,

even though it might be a well-known song, but all of a sudden you're like bringing all that energy down. And you don't want to do that. I've been to concerts so fucking fired up, really. And the band has come out. The opening band has been fucking fantastic. The headline has come out.

He opened up tremendous. There's lights. The guitars are great. The drums are on fire. It sounds like the album. They got you. The second song. is fantastic. The third song

is fantastic. And then somebody's ego gets in the way and they do two or three ballads in a row. No, two ballads and this is a song off our new album. Well, you just fucking stab me in the neck. You fuck.

Okay? I don't want to hear a song for the new album and I don't want to hear this fucking ego fest that you did. You had me. You fucking had me. I'll tell you what band killed me. It went like that. Nazareth. I went to see Nazareth, June 6th of 19, oh God, maybe 81 at the Palladium.

They did a version of cocaine, acoustic. Oh, yeah, it's like, well, me and them. But after that, I don't know what happened. They did, like, they opened up with hair of the dog, now you're messing with a son of a bitch. That just blows the room up. You open up with that song, the room, It was fucking apeship.

Then they did another big energy one. Forget about it. Then they did that one. Let's switch up the gears a little bit. This is one of our favorites from Mary Clapton. And they had fucking like six guitars. Everybody had a guitar. And Dog, I got to tell you right off the bat.

It was brilliant. Brilliant. I wasn't even that much into Eric Clapton. I knew the song, Cocaine. It was brilliant. And then they started singing a song about a girl they met in Cleveland. And after that, he just want to pull the plug. You can't do this to me.

You can't do this to about the girl in Cleveland. We're having a good time here. My friend just bought a gram a blow. You want to fucking throw this nightmare into the show. I've been in a few bands that during our opening band stage, you know, in our career, I would say it was pretty frightening to have to follow. With Ozzy, we were opening up for Saxon in Europe. And it was a 45-minute set.

And I got to tell you, it was the most intense 45 minutes of your life. And for anybody to have to follow that, I don't care who you are. It was just like, how are you going to do this, right? The next one was actually, well, it was quite a riot. It was pretty good. Even though the headliners that we work with, they were, you know, especially ZZ Top. ZZ Top was the hardest band ever to open up for because it has the most dedicated audience. They're fanatic.

You know, they all the way, they're there for ZZ Top. They don't care who you are. You know, like we're talking about, you don't care about who the opening band is, you know, during a certain time. Then, We were an opening band. And I got to tell you, by the time you finish with Still of the Night, I think it's pretty much over.

You know, I don't care who's going to follow the band. You know, it was that strong. It was that strong. It was that strong. Yeah, yeah, that strong. Okay, in a 45 minute, I was going to a lot of concerts back then. I'm trying to write a book now, and I don't even know. There's parts of me that wants to break it down,

but there's parts of me that's the highlight of my concert career. What the fuck was I going to ask you? God damn it. Oh, you were talking about 45 minutes of Ozzy. In those days, in the 45-minute set. Yeah. I mean, you guys turned the shades down and you opened up a Mr. Crowley.

Right? We opened up with, I don't know. Actually, it was the Diary of the Mad Men Tour version, because the record had just come out in Europe. Okay. So we were probably opening up with over the mountain, which is really intense anyways. This is the second tour or the one I saw in New York City?

The one after the Palladium. Okay, no, the one I saw at the Palladium, you either opened up with, I don't know. We opened up with I don't know. But that was the following tour. Okay, so that was the, when I saw you at the Palladium, what did you open up with? I don't know.

Yeah. Because I remember it was, there was no, over them. He did something for he fucking stopped through. No, but the Palladium, it was you guys headline. Yeah, we did Believer and we did Flying High Again. Flying High again. From the

record that was not released yet, yeah. But that was longer in the 45 minutes. Oh, yeah, no, because we were headlining, but I'm talking about 45 minutes. Tell me the 45 minutes set in the beginning. I, you know what? I could just see, again, I can just

see the first three and the side A. Yeah. Side A is a fucking monster. Side B is a monster. Yeah. The ballad would have been just Revelation Mother Earth. Mother Earth, which is tremendous. It goes into Steel Away.

Tremendous, tremendous. Yeah. Tremendous. It was just insane, 45 minutes. So what they did is they shorten Tommy Eldridge's drum solo. Tremendous. You know? That was too much.

And it was packed. Packed with like high intensity playing and music. Yeah, it was insane. Yeah. Yeah. And it was great because we were good off the stage by 9 o'clock. clock the latest at 8 30 maybe get into rental rental cars and with Tommy Randy and me hit the out of bond and we'll be in the next town before the club

open in the in the hotel so we were just partying right after right after the show in the next city you know Germany we're just getting on the auto bond Tommy is as incredible driver so we would hit about 160 miles an hour and we were like in less than two hours in the next town. Yeah. Insane. Party your asses off. I still remember the back of the palladium that night.

I got there with my buddies, and I knew a spot. There was a place that you walked in. There was a fence, but there was a cut in the fence. And you knew that if you walked back there, you walked behind one of the buildings, and that's where the cool people that were going to the concert with a party. That's where they'd be like six or seven broads, and the people were doing little bumps. shit and i still remember going back then and walking in and jesus that was so long ago i was a

fucking kid really sarso i was a fucking kid a fucking lost kid a fucking lost kid with four other fucking lost motherfuckers was pinot was no by that time pinot crowley was there i moved to miami crowley was there i went with uh this kid didi cantero now i don't know if it was that concert or the second one at the metal lands where we leave the show and his shirt is ripped and we go ddie what happened he goes let me tell you what happened i'm sitting there in mind my own business and some guy come behind me started dry humping me so i go what did you do he goes i just beat the fuck out of them right there in the show and they threw me out i've been waiting for you guys to get us for a ride home i don't know if it's the palladium or the other one my god but i had

seen like so this is when you came to the palladium was 81 182. 81. Okay, so 81. So at that time, I had seen three or four shows in the Palladium. Listen, I don't go to a lot of shows, Rudy. You know, I almost went to Sabbath,

we had to go to New York that night. But I'll tell you how lucky I was, man. I was lucky enough to see. I asked you when you walked in here what that place seated. And you told me about 12 to 1,500, maybe 1,600 that they were standing. I was in there for four shows

that are still etched in my mind that it's the reason why I saw such great shows there that I know in my heart nothing will beat it really saw Iron Maiden there in the first album with Paul Deano they went in there and opened up for Judas Priest

I think then I went back there and saw deaf leopard open up for Judas Priest another time Then I went in there and saw you fucking savages in there. Then I went in there and saw ACDC with Brian Johnson on this second night of their fucking tour at the Paladium in New York City. It was August 2nd and it was a thousand fucking degrees.

Do you understand me? When I went home that night, even after the bus ride, my jeans were fucking drenched Rudy Sarzo. And I went to see James Brown there also. and they were all not about the show. The shows were always money. Julius Priest in a small place, you guys with Randy Rhodes

in a fucking theater? I want America to think about what I'm talking about here. Think about when you go to a movie theater now. When you go to a fucking big movie theater now, that was the palladium. I don't remember if they had a balcony. I think they did.

There's a video on YouTube from that show. I don't remember if they had a balcony. But the sound was sensational in there. Rudy, I got to fucking sit there with my jaw dropped. I saw my buddy from the fucking projects in 64th Street

take his hat off, throw it up on stage at Angus Young. Angus Young bent over, picked it up, put it on, and then threw it back in the audience. Me and my homies from Jersey almost fucking died. You understand me? I mean, I don't need

that. I saw shit in there that was just too good. People freak out now. When I talk to people and I go, I went to see Ozzie to play them. No shit. It wasn't the show. It was the experience.

Me and these two guys probably went and cop the gram a blow. And we used to get to that. In those days, you got the bottle with the spoon at the end. We used to go to Union City to East West. And they sold drug paraphernalia. They're still there, Rudy Sarzo. Back in the day, we had the McDonald's coffee little spoons. Oh, my God.

ever used one of those? I never went to McDonald's in those. We went there just for the spoons. When you're doing blow, who goes to McDonald's? You know what I'm saying? Rudy, always a pleasure to see you, man. You too, Coco. Oh, my God.

Happy Sanguity, bro. Oh, yeah, happy sanguity. I'm going to read some ads and I'll get you out there. Give me some ads, Lee. What the fuck, my brother. Lee is jacked up tonight. To the gills. Yes, sir.

Yes, he is. Don't make a believe. Yes, he's jacked up. Yeah, I agree. Oh, my God. Uncle Joey put the Malook on you, the Thanksgiving Maluk. I guarantee Lee will start cooking that turkey tonight. But at time Lee's wife's get home,

Lee will have the turkey marinated and in the fucking oven like a good soldier with a little fucking, with a little suit on. He'll be ready to go with attention. But listen, bro, you wake up this turkey. You slow cook that motherfucker. Got up every hour on the hour. Throw a piece of butter on it and rub it in there with your little fingers with a glove on. Who's better than you?

You know how juicy that turkey will be? you do that fucking thing you learn from all those chef shows, you stick the fucking needle in it. I know you got a show on DVR or you go to Yelp and they teach you how to get the thing. You stabbed the fucking turkey with the stick and it tells you if it's cooked inside. Don't look at me like a...

Like, you don't know what I'm talking about. Four years of college. This is you I got to live with. You don't know how to make a turkey. I'm telling you, he's going to get him with his girlfriend's sick. They're going to fuck that turkey up. No, Paul's making it. Yeah, yeah.

Listen to me. How many turkeys Paul are making a life? As many as me. Okay, so you trust somebody? Why did you say, you might as well trust me making your fucking turkey. I would not trust you making your turkey for many reasons. You might as well get a gun and fucking shoot yourself because somebody's going to get sick. Listen, I'm the way home tonight, stop at Rouse and get the little thing that you stabbed the turkey with

and see what the temperature of the turkey. We're telling him Rudy Sarzo, please. He thinks I'm fucking around. Temperature of the turkey. Oh, no. I don't know what I was. Oh, Jesus Christ, really, so I thought you were like a half a chef. I thought somewhere in your lustrous career, you had a job somewhere at the back.

I did. Well, making veggie burgers. No, we don't talk about that shit on the show. We don't talk about that shit on the show. Fight Club, don't talk about fight club. We don't talk about veggie burgers on the church. Listen, you know me, dog. I don't fuck around with your people.

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It's the holidays. I'm going to tell you why Miondi's was fantastic. A year and a half ago, I got certain, not this time. Was it this time, Lee? Yeah. No. Yeah.

This time I got surgery, and I couldn't take a shower for a day, and I took a shower before I went to the hospital, and the next day I went to take a shower, and as a man, we always take a scratch, and we sniff, and it was clean, it was not even sweaty, because Miandis, Miandis fabric is made my Moda, M-O-D-A-L,

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Listen, the holiday season's coming. Lee, there's days I don't talk to Lee no more. Ever since the girlfriend moved in, I don't talk to Lee. And I understand. We talk every day. And I understand. Don't make, don't justify a Lee. And I found out today.

He came to my house. I went to smoke pot in the backyard, and he was walking to the backyard. He saw my toilet. And he saw the portable fucking bidet. And he stopped. And he got kind of pale. Like, all of a sudden he had to take a shit. and I lured him outside, and he came over, and he ate,

but I could see he had to go home. He was acting fucking funny, and he left. You know why he's been acting creepy lately? Ever since he got the bidet. He doesn't answer the phone no more. And I don't blame him. Rudy Sarzor, you ever have a bidet? I grew up with bidet in Cuba.

That's big in Cuba. My mom had one in North Bergen. Absolutely. Tell him. You must have a bidet. It's a fucking tremendous thing. I agree with that thing. You got to give you life.

Not only for men, but for women, too. No, no. Or you. It's got a longer. No, no. And you get to scrodom. You got everything. There's no bacteria. Listen, bidets are making a comeback.

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Again, hellotushy.com slash church and get 10% off your order. And that's it and that's that, dog. The special comes out December 8, go to C-SOTTV, code Joey, J-O-E-Y, get two months for free. Listen to me. This is my Thanksgiving. I need for you people to do this for me. I don't ask you for dick. I try to get your muffler clean and I try for you to stay sexy when you're wearing underwear.

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and look at the great stuff. C-So TV, I need you to do this for Uncle Joey and on it, cocksuckers. My brother, Mr. Rudy Sazo, my pride and joy when I was a kid. I was in a dark corner, and he took me out of it just by being fucking Cuban. And don't forget tomorrow night in Irvine.

Boom, 1123, 8 o'clock show. And I'll see you motherfuckers in Portland, Oregon, December 1st. Start the month off on a good week, December 1st through the 3rd, and I come back and I celebrate Santa Waba. What do you think you're dealing with? December 4th.

It's Santa Barbara, right? December 4. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with some novice? I'm making up stories here. Have a great Thanksgiving. Me and Lee want to tell you, we love you at all our heart. Thank you for supporting the church. Without you guys, we have dick, man.

Thank you for making our world complete, man. Thank you for listening and for being loyal. You know who the fuck you are. You don't need for people to tell your fucking name and shit. All right. I'll see you guys next week. Stay black. Chau.

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off of your first order and shipping is free in the United States and Canada. That's meundees.com slash Joey, meundees.com slash Joey. What do you think about that Lisa? We're gonna put music on Lee? What's your pay? Oh, I thought it's say that.