The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #435 - Greg Proops

Episode Date: November 30, 2016

Greg Proops, Comedian, seen on "Whose Line Is It Anyway," and the Host of the "Smartest Man in the World" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.    Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY to get 2 months for free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 11/29/2016.
  

This show is presented by On It. BDays are back. The church of what's happening now is proud to introduce you to hellotushy.com. That's right, hellotushy.com. Hellotushy.com makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water. He knows what I'm talking about. Go to hellotushy.com slash church right now to get 10% off of your order. Hellotushy.com slash church.

The show is also brought to you by texture. texture app lets you tap into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your smartphone or tablet. And the best part is Texter is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texter.com slash Joey. That's texture.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Go to Alton John the motherfuckers for that. You're like, who the fuck is Elton John, Joey? One of the greats One of the greats

He's just too busy jumping up and down Listen to bad music That's what the fucker promise Church of what's happened now Wednesday November 30th It's over bitches Jets

Kick that mulele Oh shit B'bba Benny and the Jets These motherfuckers don't know about out in John great groups Oh what are you going to do with the young people but instruct them, Joey. I try. Like I said to you,

every time I hear out and John, I go, Jesus Christ, how do I put something together to show the world out in John? Like, it was like six years that he just ruled with a dying hand when I was growing up. Absolutely.

Six or seven years, three albums. Oh, he's through the whole 70s. He was just ripping it up because I remember his last song that I really liked was, I'm still standing. Yeah, who was that?

That was like an 80s? Yeah, 83. He wore the hot in that one. Yeah. No, he was starting to lose his head. He didn't go to pay yet. The road game didn't work. It didn't take.

No, it didn't take. Cheer to what's happened now, Greg Proops. Lee Syatt. What's going on, Lee? I'm doing good. That truck, it's fucking good. You say things to me in the morning, and I don't think you realize that it sends me into, like, a mental downward spiral throughout the day.

Because, like, you said something, and you will have, we were, I'm having an issue with something, and you said, there's always a fire to put out. And like you say these things and you just hang up and you leave me to like go into like these spider because it's you always talk about like when you first were finding a job how like you didn't think you could do it for 40 years or whatever. That like that freaked me out to him like it's never going to get there's never going to be an easy down like calm. No fires to put out at all scenario. And like I kind of like I almost called you. I was like I can't do the podcast today. I was still in bed, like, kind of... You were still stoned from last night.

It was a way... I didn't get stone last night, actually. Last night I got stoned. And I watched two documentaries that were on HBO about Cuba. Okay. Nice. And the first one was just talking about the economics in Cuba.

And these people saying, listen, all this shit that you're saying is great. But where's the paper? We're nobody. We have no expectations. We have no like future We do the same shit Every day

With no light at the end of the tunnel That's the word No light at the end of the fucking death You know And that's how I felt at times When I was 22, 23 When you realize

Okay, so I went to high school I did what they told me I went to college I made a little pit stop in prison Now what Now what So what you're telling me Is whatever job I choose

27 years old, I'm doing this till I'm 65 to get a fucking watch. Right. That fucking threw me into a four-day, like, whatever I'm going to do, I better fucking be in love with. I better not do it for the money. That was a complete different lesson now. Now it's not even about the money. I got to do something that I fucking like.

You know, I liked what I was doing. I liked what I was trying to be. Right. But taking a train with a brown bag every day and you got to pay for dry cleaning, that's not my bag that's never been my bag a little brown bag and at the end of the week

you gotta pay an extra 90 for dry cleaning and fucking take a train every morning and this is it this is it till those two weeks you get off every year this is it I couldn't handle that that's why I said fuck it

I might as well do this shit was that when you started being a stand-up when you were 27 no I think I got on stage the first time yeah I got on stage when I was 27. I knew their marriage wasn't working.

I was failing at, I just wasn't failing at life. Like I had a job and I was making good money, but that was it. Right. That was it. The crushing weight. I was 20 years old, 27 years old. I finally gave up and went to work for my in-laws on a roof. After six months, I couldn't see me just roofing.

Yeah. So I played the estimating game. game and I just wrote to the companies and they had estimating clinics so I would fly myself for him and I learned how to estimate you know I said I'm not gonna fucking be 40 on these roofs with stories I remember one time we did 90 yards and the tar was hot that ain't that ain't me yeah it's like when you get locked up you meet people and they brag to you but their prison resume yeah and people go you oh you got to get arrested in Kansas so you got to get arrested in Connecticut to jail there the guy will go you know what I got a sister

in Connecticut. That's not a bad idea. It's like they're proud of their resume. It's the same thing with these roofers, which was a great, I loved it. I was in great shape. You get invited in D. I was in Colorado. You know, it's not humid. So it was great.

But the cold hard reality at 27 years old is this is what I'm fucking doing the rest of my life. So I tried the estimating, and I was pretty good at that. And I was hustling on the weekends. I was a commercial estimator, which was buildings. But on the weekends, I would go into these little neighborhoods. I had hail damage, and I'd work them to debt. And I'd get a house on Saturday and a house on Sunday. And again, I'm like, okay, so the bank account is straight.

This is straight. But there hasn't been a day off in 20 fucking days. That's not life either. So I didn't, I got into this, not really because of economic relief, I got into this knowing I was going to be broke. I got into this because at least I wanted to like what I did. There was nothing that light. Let's face it.

You know, I love cooking. I don't like fucking cooking. I like cooking a hamburger for me. You know what I'm saying? Salt and pepper, a bun, ketchup, you cut up an onion. That's it. I'm good. But if you think I want to cook a thousand fucking hamburgers,

chef, fuck you, chef. You know, there's nothing I like, Greg. Construction was great for three weeks. Yeah, I was surprised you said six months. I'm like, I don't think I can handle it. But I'm not a, I can't, I'm not, every job I had was just a terrible. What jobs did you have that you fucking went in there and go, what the fuck is my life? You know, I was a bus boy and a paper boy and a waiter and a dishwasher, all those, you know, jobs.

70s, entry level, you're 16, 15, that's what you get. No one's going to make you a bookkeeper or anything. And my striving for excellence was not exactly at the forefront of my mind. And then I delivered pizza for a while for a guy who, sold math in Burlingame and he was ex-con,

ex-jarhead and his mother worked there. Did I tell you this one last time? I don't think so. Burlington in Vermont? Burling Game, California on the peninsula. I'm from San Carlos, which is a tiny white little place,

30 miles south of San Francisco. And Burling game's about halfway up toward the city. And see, I'm from San Francisco. You're from New York. In the west coast, the city is San Francisco. And in New York, people go, you mean New York?

And I'm like, no, I mean the city, the other city. Yeah, yeah, that's how parochial we are. We think there's one city. And anyways, yeah. So I looked at an ad in a paper. You remember when you looked at the wan ads. And it said, driver wanted must have car, W-S-I-N-S-Apply, P-T-Man, Chicken Delight, Burling game.

And so I went down. And he was there, he had a little goatee, a complexion like someone had, his face had been a flame and someone put it out with a bicycle chain, you know, like... Now, how old were you at this time? 18, 19, like just skating, right? No fucking direction. I'd been an actor, I'd done a little comedy. I did stuff in high school, and I was going to junior college, but, you know, I didn't know what...

I think at that point I wanted to be a DJ, which was a career in 1979 and whatever. And so nothing was going on. I had long hair. I had a Mickey Mouse shirt. I remember, you know, giant Elton John glasses. And so I walk into the place and he goes, you get proofs. What's your name? Proops.

Proops. Well, you got a car? Yeah. All right. Come back at four. That was it. Right. That was the whole interview.

It's a dollar. It's a buck a run. That was a big deal. And all the, and you get all the tips. So I came back. And they had a map on the wall. This is the old days of the whole. of the whole area where the pizza deliveries took place

and there were pins in it which I thought was hilarious like Churchill you know it's like the war room like a strategic pizza strike on Millbury Avenue or whatever and um I did a bunch of deliveries first night driving around I had a Chevy Vega with a cassette deck I love the Chevy Vega fuck yeah there's a hatchback because that's you could get the pizzas in the back

yeah yeah put the pizzas in the back and they gave you a little crappy star foam oven to put them in and I listened to KSOL or KG which were the sole stations and smoke cools and wrote around some people ordered the same thing every night like there was a lady and you had to stop and get her palmalls and milk and shit and then you go to uh so i finished the first night and uh i get back and he goes hey they did pretty good you made like dirty pizza runs or whatever and he goes uh you smoke weed and i'm like yeah and he goes really because i deal weed so of course the money i've made the first night

weed. Yeah. And then he, of course, reveals eventually within the day or two that he is a speed dealer. Of course, in those days, we called it crank. We didn't call it meth. And so I worked for him for a few months. And I didn't deliver meth for him. But I would sometimes have to go to deliver pizzas to his dealer's house.

And those were always free, right? And sometimes the dealer would come in. And he drove a black transam with a giant eagle on the front, right? And he had the wasted girlfriend with the bus. him with the bell bottoms and the short rabbit fur jacket. And he wore a leather vest and a Civil War had a no shirt, right? And an iron cross. And, uh, yeah, he...

Real undercover. And a pizza chicken delight. So you come in in the afternoon, uh, and I don't know if you've ever, you know, you'd hear him upstairs, uh, you'd hear, right? When I'd walk in, you know, ding, ding the door and he go, props, right? Because you could hear the door open. fold some fucking boxes

that was the worst job right when you were doing nothing when you were waiting to make a delivery you had to fold pizza boxes and then finally the delivery started about you know 435

but you got to get there at 4 in case somebody ordered a fucking pizza at 4 so at the end of the night there was these two little kids who who put the is this getting long and boring

no no no these two little kids this is a job when you're a teenager right like people said to me you know, you're thrown into the world and expected to like be an adult. I had a car.

I had to pay insurance. I was living at home. My dad said, get the fuck out and get a job. So I took the first fucking thing that I saw and the first thing I got. So anyway, these two little kids are coming in and they're about eight and ten. And they would ride up in their stingrays and chuck them in the alley. And they'd come in and they'd put the chicken and milk and they'd have to bread it and everything. Lonnie cut it, right?

Like there was a band saw that cut chicken. Chicken came in a giant crate like a Chinese restaurant, right? with the chickens on ice. And then he would slice them with his saw, which was murder, right? And he was janked on speed all the time. So his mood, his mood varied between Hitler and, like, Satan on a bad weekend. Like, you know, he was very rarely jovial. He was grumpy.

And they would bread the chicken, and he paid them in weed. They were little kids, right? They took weed for their pay. So after hours, we go in the back room, the chicken room. And I've described it before as it was so much. like a horror show that it should have been in black and white, right? Like, there's chickens in a thing, and there's a garbage can full of chickens and, you know, old pizzas. There was two records he owned.

Rod Stewart's Night on the Town and James Brown's Greatest Hits on Some Obscure, you know, Bootleg. And we would put those on, and then we'd all smoke weed and dance around. His sister worked there, his mother, his sister's jacked up boyfriend, the two little kids. I'm still freaked out about the two. eight and 10 year old who were butchering the, what were they, they were butchering the chickens. Yeah, they didn't have to run the saw, mind you. They just had to put it in the milk and let it soak and then put it in the breading and then take it out and put it in the fridge. And that was their job. And I don't know that they received money or that they convinced their parents. Maybe they

were bringing home 10 bucks or whatever, but they were definitely getting bags of weed. So they were the coolest kids, I'm sure, at their high school or, you know, grade school. Yeah, in their fifth grade class. And right, in fifth grade and Burlington. And we would dance to James Brown and shit. And then he's handing me a joint, Lonnie. And Bobby, the sister's boyfriend, comes up and goes, did he hand you a joint? And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, don't hit on his, man, because he smokes angel dust, right?

Like, he'd taken so much speed that he couldn't really get high. Like, we would just smoke a joint. You know what I mean? We smoke a joint and we get high. And then we're like, we're high. Right. He had to go the extra mile to smoke PCP, right? horse tranquilizer as it was yeah that was what was popular and um biscuits so uh i was like oh for

for you know forewarned is forearmed right like thank you for telling me that he's smoking fucking angel dust because i got to get back in my car and go to my uh he didn't tell you you were 19-80s handled you uh-huh that seems a little bit dude he'd been in the joint he had a marine tattoo um he had other crudely etched tattoos that i assume were done by gentleman he knew inside and he was you know the real and his father sometimes was there

his mother sat in a wheelchair and she rolled up and down the counter and there was the spike right remember those you'd write that order out and he put a chunk on a spike right and they were the most dangerous thing in the world like they were a weapon it was literally yes it was they still have them I'm surprised

no one ever puts their hand through one right that's the thing you no one ever put their fucking hand through because so they put the thing on and she had a phone the cushy, you know, the 70s, the giant cushion that you could put your head on. And one of those, you know, 1970s with six lines on it. And I said to her, what's, are you okay, Tina? You know, like, do you know, do you need any help? And she's like, oh, I don't need the wheelchair. I just don't like walking around. So she took orders and would roll up and down the counter. Were they Greek or were they white trash? Were they tall? Yeah. Hysterical. I think they might have

been Italian. The sister had that fantastic haircut where there's the brown stripe there and the bleach blonde hair and the 70s jeans with the embroidery, you know. It was pretty, I lasted there. I don't think I, maybe six months,

you know, we would go to concerts and say that which is cool, like we talked about last time, you'd go into New York. We went in and saw blondeie, I remember, uh, um,

Richie Blackmore's Rainbow's rainbow. Um, these sounds like dinosaurs. but this is who we would go see. Then we thought to my buddy Jay and we were going to the and I've stopped me

if I've told to this part. What year is this? 70, 78. 78 was on five. Yeah, yeah, they were huge. We're going to see and as we park it that Fillmore in San Francisco

used to be in a really bad neighborhood. Now they're very few really bad neighborhoods in San Francisco, but there's still enough. And it was falling apart. Every time I went there, part of the ceiling

would follow me. I remember having a piece of wood from the floor. It had a beautiful hardwood floor. It was an old venue, you know, it was like from the 20s or something. And the Graveld Dead did that show there with the Blues Brothers in like

78. They did New Year's and they all were on, you know, painted blue and whatnot. Anyway, uh, we are trying to park and my friend goes, get out of the car and put in this small space. There's nowhere to fucking park. There's no parking lot or nothing. And I'm high and drunk. We've been drinking tequila

and snort and fucking meth and you know, I'm shit-faced. And I'm standing in the middle of street like an idiot on Steiner and a black link connoll with like comes down the street and I go fuck you you know I'm a teenager right and the fucking pull back right the windows go down and there's these two 400 pounds of mowland dudes right and their eyes are fucking glazed burning red volcanoes of centroids of murder and uh well my joke is you they had weaponry hanging from the filials right like there's a musket and a sword you know but they

had one of those little steering wheels. You remember those that are chains, right? That's this big. This is in a black Cadillac, right? And the window goes down and the guy goes, is there a problem? And I'm like shitting myself, right? So I go, no, no, no, there's no problem. My friend's on the other side of the street.

Yeah, everything's cool. And they're like, because if there's a problem, you know, we'll deal with that right now. And I'm like, absolutely, gentlemen, this is a night of bono me between friends. and I was celebrating life and all of it. Single-digit glory. You know, I danced.

I danced. And then they went, okay, because if there's a problem, and I'm like, no, there's no problem. Finally, the fucking car takes off. Just then, my friend gets out of the car and goes, what's the matter with you? I'm sitting on the sidewalk now, like with my head in my hands, my heart's racing.

I'm almost in tears because I thought, they're going to shoot me, right? Like, just for being a fucking douchebag who went like this. And he's like, what happened? And I'm like, oh man, they just came along. They were going to come. You know, I'm just a little fucking idiot white kid from the suburbs. And so there was some fun.

You ran into it. Now, let me ask you this. What? It was crank, but speed was the shit in capsules. Yeah, speed was either in a black capsule. Right. Black duties. That's what I grew up one.

Or there were the whites, which we also called cross tops. I didn't grow. And. Yes. Right. Yes. They were about as big as a, oh my God. A Xanax, but they're round.

They were round. They were dinky. And they had a cross across them like that. Theoretically, you could break them into four, I suppose, but no one ever did. When you worked in a restaurant business, the one thing you were guaranteed was that everybody took speed. This is in the 70s. Right. Not crank, but that was because I worked for a gangster who fucking sold crank for another guy.

Because crank makes you break out. And then if you do it for a. a bunch of days, as you know, it's an epidemic of this country. But if you do it for several days, you don't, you're not lighthearted. You're depressed, right? I mean, the best time, of course, is the first giant line of it when your head explodes and your eyes, you know, you feel like you're crying ammonia, you know. But it's not like a fun loving. It's basically so you can drink, I think, really. Or maybe it's not. Maybe that's the drink. I don't know how I got, but I bought. Cross tops we would eat to work on, not just to get high, but to work. Everybody,

used to always fucking talk about pills and shit I never wanted to see those then when I was about 16 I went out one night and I bought a grandma speed I didn't do it that night I did it the next day in the morning right and it jacked me out right right I'm getting everything done no no I went to school right half a day and we drank and we threw it and it was just craziness and then I did it again I saved a little bit of it I did it again I think I threw that away and that was my experience yeah so is it at a Or? No.

You have to snort it like coat. Speed is made by bikers in sinks. Right. I bought it from bikers. It's usually, in those days it was yellowy. And lumpy? This was lumpy? It wasn't like a pure, white, crystalline tonnage and it didn't fall down in beautiful flakes.

It was a messy affair. Yeah, it wasn't, no. It tasted shitty and it made the back of your throat feel like the taste was unforgettable. It's horrible. No, this wasn't atarol. Well, we didn't, like I said, the black beauties were really strong with them. The black beauties were like dexed drink or whatever. Fucking kill you.

And then I got into those. But then my buddy's like, you're eating them? Yeah. Pop them open and snort it. Right, right. So the last experience I had to those was those things. And I was selling them. I was getting them in Pennsylvania and bringing them back to North Bergen and selling them.

And they got to the point I would just pop them and pop them and pop them my nose. Jesus fucking Christ. And what is the point? Because I know. to stay up for two fucking days and talk endlessly. You could do any other drug on top of it because it was so strong and the speed jacked you so hard that you could drink all you wanted,

smoke dope all you wanted, take acid, whatever and just be cranked out. And if you did not sleep well, fitful, but you could do a lot of things. You went like the wind. Students are doing the study. My friends are doing to lose weight. I didn't do it to lose weight.

And then... I did it. get high and to work the first thing I ever snorted that was very popular was what you said he was was T-8 C crystal that was what they sold it at but it was it was guerrilla it was dust yeah it was dust and that tasted sensation yeah and I had done it all summer long I would do it on the weekends with a friend of mine who I still talked to and I got a lung infection from Paraguay right and they sprayed the pot.

Yeah. Now, never forget that they came into the room. They go tomorrow you're getting scheduled for surgery. It's minor surgery. What we're going to basically do is put you out and then get a tube and go into your lung and scrape your lung and see what's in there. And then we'll analyze and get back to you. I'm like, my mom's going to fucking find out.

I did that THC. I might as well tell her before she finds out. And I finally said, fuck that. I ain't committing the dick. Let her come in here and shake me down. I play it all. like maybe I ate weed or something. And then it was it nothing about it, but I did it.

I did that for about six months. I liked the taste of it. Then I did the blow, and then I did that shit, that speed stuff. I didn't really like that stuff. And over the years, I've done it. Like, if I'm out and somebody got, you're at a club in, like, fucking Portland or something, not even Portland. Last time I did it was in the Boise, Idaho.

The Boise is funny boat. I went to the bar. And at the bar, two people offered me, powdered and I took one, and when I went to the bathroom, I realized, wait a second, this ain't blow. Yeah. This is fuck. And you can tell instantly.

Instantly. And once I did it, they kicked the mule, and I gave the package back, and I go, how back at one bump do that? Oh my God. And Boise, did you work that room? No. Boise. Boise had a pretty cool funny bone,

but the hotel was very rustic. It was from 1920. Right. stay there. I don't like those hotels. All right? Give me a fucking motel sex. All right. Those hotels from the 1800s that George Michael or George Washington stay there. Whatever his fucking name is.

That's not for me. I don't give a fuck. George Michael slept here. Lee, you, obviously, he's been in those rooms in Vegas. When you do a Vegas room, they give you a suite. Yeah. And you bring Lee upstairs, and we eat stars and we watch TV and Lee's like, this is the biggest room I've ever seen in my life.

Listen to me. The room they put. Butchette in Boise, Idaho, made those Vegas rooms look like dick. It was so big I get lost. Was it like a house? It was four rooms to a floor. I'm telling you, this is when hotels were hotels. They re-rejuvenated it and put beat bars on it, but it creaked.

Can you imagine doing a line of fucking meth that creaks? Every time the wind blew, the whole fucking, and I would have to get up. I couldn't jerk off in the shower. There was six showers in the fucking room. You know, you had to see this. Dining room, three showers, four toilets. You had a super villain meeting. And it was, I did the meth.

I went upstairs. I went upstairs. I was up until three, two. I was up for two fucking days. They weren't goofing around. I stayed up all night Friday. Right. All night. Did the show the next night?

I mean, all night when you're in bed going, I'm going to fall asleep. And you're like, no, you're not. And it would just come back and hit you. And if you smoked a joint, it would come back and smack your animal. I was like, I'll never do that shit again. How was your comedy show? Horrific.

Horific. And that was 96. Summer of 96, and the headliner was Chris Titus. I know Chris. And then I moved to L.A. Years later, and I go on a creative international tour. This was when creative was creative. They still had carrot top.

And they would put you in all those five one-nighters that paid. It wasn't a triple-tube. tour, Tribble paid 75 and one in a quarter. Right. These guys paid 175 and 250. Right. Which you can make a fucking living. You know, on a triple run, so I took a week.

And at that time, you know, it was 99, 98. I was living in L.A. You know, I would go to the commie store, pick up a package. It was just a part of life. Now I'm in fucking bum-fuck Tennessee, and that's okay for one night. Then I go somewhere else, and that's okay for two nights. By Thursday, I don't have to tell you, Greg. I needed something.

I needed a quicker picker up. You know what I'm saying? I need something to put Uncle Joey back together. Yeah. So Friday night I'm in this town and I got the ten monkeys on my back scratching. And finally I just went by the bathroom and I just waited for the first person to go. Yeah. And finally some guy went in there with work boots and fucking rib jeans.

It smelled like a fucking ape. And I heard him sniffing and I caught him in the hole and I go, though, you got to give me some of that. He goes, absolutely. I'll finish mine, but you got to follow me after the show. So the feature act had a car I go come on Follow this guy This one on for 10, 15, 20, 30 minutes

Yeah Yeah yeah yeah He takes me into this fucking thing He took me right to break in bed Yeah I didn't know it Yeah yeah I wish I could tell you I knew it was going on Right I got out of car he goes what do you want

I go whatever get me a gram How much he goes give me $25 I go Who the fuck are you buying this coke from? Yeah it ain't caught Yeah it ain't cause crank baby Yeah I'm like god damn it and I At that point, I followed you all the way out of here.

I don't do crank, but fucking give it to me anyway, because I don't want to go home empty-handed. Oh, my God. I did two bumps that I threw the rest out. That shit was pure, you know. Night train. I never did it again. That was the last time.

You can kill your sinuses, too. Kill it. Just kill them. Because you're not flushing them out in those days. You don't fucking, you know. And you can get real sick off it. I'm very happy. I knock on wood.

I never got hooked on that. I got dear friends. that started fucking around with that shit. And next thing you know, their son called me and said, dog, they're in there four days smoking. They don't even come out to eat. They don't even come out to eat. They buy a big chunk on Friday, and they don't come out until they're just going to shower, fuck, and come out. This is a kid that's 25 calling me and telling me about his parents.

They're both fucking close to 50. Jesus Christ. The only experience I've ever had with that is, like, I thought truckers did it. I didn't know people actually did it for, like, fun. I thought it was, like, people who were doing it to stay up, just to stay up. A lot of people are, but a lot of people do it. Dog, when I first started at Tribble runs, I would eat those no-doses and drink Mountain Dew. Oh, yeah, I would eat no doses.

My fucking mind would blow, but nothing like when you do a line of that shit. Nothing. Lee, and it plays with you. Like, you'll start going, fucking Joey lied to me. He said, he says, I was going to be up all night. Paul, he's a fucking asshole. And all of a thing you lay down, and you're like, in bed. And you're like, what?

the fuck just happened and you'll jerk off nine times leave nothing comes out blood comes out i oh you're coming out and you're sitting there like what the fuck and it's two in the afternoon the house is creepy if you go out something feels weird remember we're talking about tweaking yeah i didn't like i didn't like those no doses because like i would feel like tired but i just couldn't fall asleep it's a terrible feeling like it almost hurts to be tired like you're so tired it hurts like and like what is it like on the second day of being awake I've only done that once. Your mood does not improve.

No, I can imagine. Your mood descends rapidly. And after a week or two of it, it's not, yeah. I don't know, you know. When I was a team, I didn't really do it after that. You know, other drugs, but not. Meth was the only really able to work for the guy who, and, you know, and like I said, when you worked in restaurants.

But that, we didn't snort meth in restaurants. We took whites or black. I didn't do either in restaurants. In the restaurants, I worked that. Aspen, you snorted Coke. Oh, well, that's Aspen. 83, you snorted fucking mountains. Those cooks were back there.

The one cook was a dealer. The busboy was dealing. Well, that's the thing. Every restaurant. Oh, my God. Restaurants were all, you didn't have to go to your three because there was dealers. I went to Colorado to get away from it. Here I am in New York, 7, in Colorado.

The first month, I'm great. I'm not itching for it. It's not around me. I'm going to bars. I'm meeting people. I'm mingling. I'm not fucking dependent. I'm not even asking people for it.

And then I moved to Snowman's Village and uh then somebody offered it to me you know and then I would just do a little package

on Friday nights I'd watch that night flight yeah and do a little package on USA and I'd bang one out at six and go to bed nobody knew nothing

and then somebody says to me dog uh what are you doing I go I shovel snow in the daytime they go listen come up to the tower it was John Denver's restaurant

come up there and be a dishwasher pays you 50 bucks and we'll get your job on Tuesdays it's prime rip night you lift weights and stuff We'll give you prime rib. And it was, like, it was a complete,

I thought, like, I thought, like, I was the King of Coke in New York. These guys had me beat. Colorado blew my mind at a young age, like, to what I thought. I thought I was going to be around around one-two fucking white dudes that shoveled snow and went skiing. Yeah. They threw me into snow mass, Aspen, which was completely, completely out of my expectations.

I didn't think there was going to be cocaine up there. I thought there was going to be a little weed and you had to fight for it. And I mean, these guys, they were from, the one guy was from San Francisco, and the one guy was from, like, Seattle or something. And these guys, from the minute I walked in there, every 20 minutes on the 20, they tap you on the show and say, go in the freezer. And you went in the freezer, there was a line of Coke, you know, two inches. I was 19.

By fucking 1130, I'd be out of my mind. And then they'd give me a pound of shrimp. They'd steal shrimp and go take that on us. Who wants shrimp? I can't eat fucking shrimp. You can't eat a cracker. How was that shrimp last night? What the fuck are you talking about?

I only did it Tuesdays, but then it was such a good time. And you snorted so much blow. Then I said, give me more ships. And they started giving me like Thursdays and Sundays. These guys were fucking animals leaked. And it was like I was around people that were, they would be fucking. Wrecked by 11 because they'd be drinking.

I didn't drink. Yeah. They'd be fucking drinking behind the wine. After that, we clean up and we go back to one of their houses. And that would pull fucking bag to shoot darts. I'd call these guys a fucking animals. I mean, I thought I hung out when animals back there. I got to show them these fucking gorillas.

It's crazy how, I guess, sheltered I was. Because the most I ever saw was weed. And I never, I've never in my life ever had. an experience with a dealer. So I never, I, it blows my mind to hear that there's so many people dealing drugs. Like I can't. I'm going to tell you one better, Lisa. I'm going to give this to great proofs.

And anybody could steal this because it doesn't matter. We all have 10 different experiences. In your spare time, you're an author, because I'm going to do it. I'm going to write about my 10 favorite drug dealers of all time. Yeah, that's a good idea. it's it's something that you can it's gonna go from here to here like from here and I'm not talking about weed I had some pretty cool weed dealers I'm talking about people when it gets out there that they might they can have a kilo of coke in their apartment a couple fucking grenades yeah and and and and microwave ovens to sale like that type of combo like I've been to those houses where you didn't microwave oven man what you're talking about yeah you need microwave oven I'm here to buy six ounces of blow. What are you talking?

I got microwaves. I got leather jackets. You know, I got barbiturates. Right. And you're like, like, I have, when you were telling me that story about that crazy guy up there, I kept thinking about this guy.

One of my first drug dealers, his name was Patty. And he worked for a TV station at the time. He had, like, a good job. But he was one of the pioneers of Coke. I'm like, I knew my family was into it, and I knew people at the bar. I'm talking about my first experience.

So one on the outside. Another fucking dude that always wore a robe and slippers. Right. You know, he always had a robe on. The prince. He always had some chair. He lived in a studio apartment. But he had the, you know, circle couch.

I mean, this is, this was as studio 54 as can be. He always had studio music on it, you know, and a really creepy guy, whatever. I dealt with him for like two years. and then he moved on and I moved on. I forgot about it. And about a year and a half ago, I'm on Facebook. And who do I see? This fucking guy.

And guess what? He hasn't stopped sun tanning. Right. Since those days. Yeah. Like, he was one of those guys that... Now he's a date. Listen, don't come between eight and nine because you know I sun tan, okay?

Right. You know, he was one of those guys that... But I saw him. I had some interesting... that's a very good idea for a book the top 10 drug dealers in your fucking world out of how many do you think

roughly 35 40 how do you think people get drugs Lee I'd really have to sit down I don't know I just I imagine it like every time there's like one guy

who shady who has drug I guess in bigger cities but now I don't know Middle America is where there's drugs Oh, I'm sure, yeah. You know, like meth and all that is an oxy. But we didn't do those.

Oxy wasn't a jug. We had quailudes. We had quailudes. Tuminaws, quailudes, I guess. There was something else. There was something. We took, in California, when we were more mushroom weed. We were more acid.

And we took acid, too. There was all those. It was always acid. There was no mushrooms when I was growing up. And I left Jersey in 83. I never had a fucking mushroom. Okay. I had heard people speaking about them.

my buddy went to ASU. Where's ASU? Tempe. And he called me. He said, dog, get on a fucking plane. These motherfuckers, they're eating shrooms, growing them, and smoking them. They're seeing, they go in peepees, and they're sitting there for three days. They take their shoes off because I had never seen that.

People taking their shoes off. Who's fucking Jersey keep your shoes on. I never forget them saying that to me. People take their shoes off. Oh, my God. And that's the, I heard. We did the microdotid acid, the little dot, and we did. and we did paper and four-way.

Yeah. That was it. Double barrel, sunshine, all that shit came on paper. Coke, heroin, crank, the pills. And that was it. Once I got to Colorado, everything switched over from... To Coke. Everything switched over to mushrooms in my world.

Right. Which I never liked, because I got diarrhea, Greg Brooks. Four hours in, everybody's having a good time. I was in the fucking bathroom, looking around with four. fluid coming out of your ass. This ain't a trip. This is a fucking nightmare. You know what I'm saying? There's a hot chick out there's showing a pussy.

Right. And I'm going to hear of shit in blood. The thing about mushrooms is they're difficult on your digestive system. They even make you feel like you're going to throw up when you first eat them sometimes. This poor bastard. Oh, yeah. He turns purple. Well, they're, okay. Can you wash the shit off of them?

He brings them to me. You can't even tell them white. That's part of the whole mission. What are you talking about? That's part of the mission. You're supposed to just snarf them down or eat it on a piece of pizza. That's what we used to do. in college yeah yeah that would be i can there's no pizza here just hands me like these brown

you just chew them and wash that shit down and try to get the flavor out of your mouth you know and it's funny because you deal with i had a teacher that sold coke and didn't tell me to after i graduated high school after like he knew i was officially out he came to me when then he was just snorting garbage let me show you what i you know and he was part of these people and he was a white dude so he was I deliver the people that don't want a Spanish do in their house. They call them, but they call me and tell me where to take it.

So he was a fucking nutcase, but a good guy. Until this day, he won't friend me on Facebook. Every two years it ends, I click on the next fucking day friend request. He just didn't like it. That's hilarious. I used to go, and then I used to go into the city,

and I had a Dominican dude. I had a Colombian dude. In 1982, I already had a in my own personal Colombians. And I would go over there and they had a disco and it doubled as a Coke place. Nice. And until I went over there, there was a guy dead in front of the place.

Oh, oh. Still selling Coke. Yeah, these guys were real. Yeah. Once you're, you know, that's the extreme. You know, you deal with people who are just, people who have a day job who like to go out on Fridays and Saturdays and snort for free and they sell Coke.

They're just nice people and they do you a favor. Or you deal with, you know, there's such an extreme that you bump into as you're going through. In 84, I bought Coke from time to time from a Colombian dude that put it in a leaf. Really? Oh, he blew your mind. A leaf?

And all the white dudes used to call him loco. Yeah. Okay, and that's what he was known as loco, and he was dark-skinned Colombian. And when he showed up to that bar, then he would have a thousand leaps with rope around him. But it sucked because then when he gave it to you, you were fucked up.

And you got to hold it onto a leaf. I was going to say, wouldn't you rather have it in a bundle? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And he was getting shit in 84. That was just, right, of course. You'd make you go home pale. Like, he went home with no blood and you're like, Dracula came into it.

It was just fucking terrible, terrible times. If you think back at him. But fun, you know, you're like, I was having a fun time then snorting for three days, looking out of a window, getting my dick suck with dead dick. What are they going to do? Life goes on. Thank God comedy saved our lives. Yes.

Gave us a direction. I think so. That was the, I think, you know, like the reason you said you went into it, I think it's the only honest reason, you know. I wanted to do it, and I didn't really like anything else. And I decided I didn't, I really, even in my comedy career, I just don't listen to people as much as I ought to sometimes, and I don't want to be told what to do that much.

And stand up and comedy offers you the free, them to do kind of what you want and with the minimum of people that you have to deal with, sort of. And that direction was way too appealing. Every crap job I had, I hated. My last job, I was a Schmendrick in a law office. I sent faxes and, you know, I pretended I was dead. I remember for one day laid on the floor because I hated it so much. And this is the even better part, you guys. I'm pretending to be dead on the floor and no one came in. And there's nothing sadder than when you get up and you haven't even got the reaction that you want like i wanted one of the lawyers to walk in and go great what's going on and me go i can't take it anymore and nothing nothing i laid there

and then i got up nobody gave a oh who fucking and all the lawyers then were doing a lot of this was the 80s in san francisco they were doing coke a couple of them were bouncing off the walls and then there was the the guy who's firm it was and he was a straight arrow and his father worked there too and he was a straight arrow but one of the cats um had defended sunny barger and sarah jane more so i used to go in his office. His name was Frank Bell. I don't know if he's alive still. He was a, uh, uh, quite a good lawyer. And, um, we would smoke. You know, he closed the door and we'd just smoke cigarettes and talk. And he would tell me like, what was like, Sarah Jane Moore tried to shoot president Ford in San Francisco in front of the Fairmont Hotel in 1974. And, uh, she got off, I think, around, didn't she?

Before they knocked her down or whatever. Something this. And, uh, she might have got off a couple. And, uh, people were shooting presents more than, well, the squeaky from and, uh, uh, uh, Sarah Jane Moore both took a shot at President Ford. But they not, I think they, or was squeaky form, I think might have attacked him with a knife. And they knocked her down. And she is in the Manson family. The 70s were pretty, you know, and then. No, no.

It started with Kennedy. He got kidnapped when I was in high school. Okay, it started with Kennedy. Then his brother got shot. Right. Well, I remember being. I remember being a little kid. All of some people getting shot for real.

Yeah. And then the 70s brought in a complete different point. George Wallace got shot. shot in 72. George Wallace. Who else? Something else. Well, they tried to shoot Ford twice and not to end work.

Oh, no. We're talking about Reagan. Reagan got shot in 80. Right. 80? Who else did they try to shoot? What presidents? Other presidents trying to get assassinated.

Well, every president pretty much, is they have Roosevelt. They tried a bunch of times. Andrew Jackson, I think personally disarmed a couple people that tried to kill him. Kennedy, definitely. Ford, yeah. Clinton and Obama, we don't know. I mean, people do crazy shit and tried to get break into the White House, but that's just crazy shit. None.

Nobody really wants to. Yeah, it's a very horrible history of assassination, which is why it's very dangerous to say people should shoot people and stuff, because this is that country. Four assassinated presidents and at least eight or ten others that they tried to kill at different points. And they never shot Castro. 600 assassination attempts, they said. That's bullshit. And what was it? It took the year 2016 to kill him.

that's what someone said. Well, Castro, you know, the fact that we hadn't had relations with them until last year is the part that just blows my mind. Like, really? You know, he hasn't been, what, prime minister or premier or whatever for a while now, four or five years? His brother took over, right?

Raoul. You know, there's... He was a dictator, so positives are hard to find, but I will say he ejected the mafia out of Cuba and that might have been his greatest accomplishment. The revolution getting America and organized crime out of Cuba was a vast undertaking, I think, at the time. Putting people in camps and prisoning people with AIDS,

not so great. Fucking, you know, making people leave. Oh, my God, how many people left? Listen, how many people are out there? How many people said, you know what, I can't take this starvation and this getting put in jail? I'm just going to get on a fucking rap and take a shot at shark-infested waters.

Yep. How crazy is that? That you would take your fucking child when he's two or three, like Helion Gonzalez, you know, but we're leaving this fucking nightmare of a town. You know, I mean, it was, uh,

it's a long time, long, long, fucking time. It's scary. I think the best part is that now that we've got relations with them, it's only inevitable. We got no fucking relations with them. We got shit with them.

Well, Fidel closed that door and said, fuck that Pope and fuck that. And I guarantee he said something derogatory because he's Cuban. He said something fucking derogatory. You don't want me to say it on the show. So, you know,

he just played along. He just played along. You know, Fidel has more money than God. Oh, yeah. You know, and he was also involved with the cartel. I mean, when that guy went to prison, he went up in front of a judge. He gave him the proof about Fidel.

He goes, listen, you guys were looking for the fucking us in Colombia. We were in Cuba. Right. We cut a deal with him for 800,000 a ship. Wow. If we put the whole ship filled with blow or two kilos, he got 800,000, we were shipping him out of Cuba. You know, he made money on that.

He took over all that. I don't know if he took over Batista's money. I think Batista left with that. I was going to say. Batista left with his and Maya Lansky had his out as he was coming. in. Yeah, Maya Lansky's,

Maya Lansky was having that wire to Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, and Ben Ben Benowitz's office. That was going right to a direct fucking wire. That wasn't even

laying around that one minute. It was very sad what Fidel did and how he did it. You know, uh, he lied to these people that were already getting beat up

for the last fucking 10 years. Right. You know, at the end of Batista's reign, it was three years of hell. You know, there was no police no more. Right.

They just get out of car and break your fucking skull and leave you there. You know, there was no more. They were horrible. And then came this guy who promised you this and this. Everyone's going to eat. And also, one day, he knocks on your door, Greg Proust, and said, listen, did you get the letter? And you're like, what a letter?

This house is part of the revolution. You got to go. You know, shit like this. And you're like, where do I go? I don't know. That's your fucking problem. There was just so many injustices. And then the 70s, he really tightened up.

Yeah. He really fucked with those people. And that's what, when my mom died, one of the really big things that was found was a letter from her family in Cuba, just basically fucking denouncing her. And we got it. The day she died, that was the mail that was on the table. Oh, God. She hadn't even read it yet. So we're like, and I remember my stepdad calling me into the room and going, come here for a second.

read this and I'm like what the fuck he goes what happened was when she sold the bar there was no other way to wire money to that fucking place for my sister so they actually mail checks and stuff and Cuba was taking half the money so my family thought my mom wasn't sending the right amount I mean it was just a horrible letter we you know about a year ago about two three years ago I opened

the communications of my sister you know and one day I just asked I go what the fuck was going on at that time they go let me tell you what was really going on okay they had his brainwashed they had it's brainwashed they made us believe that we had a family in the united states that were garbage we weren't allowed to communicate with them and those letters that were written were written with them in the room like it was one of those things to tell your relatives not to send you forced yeah don't fucking do this no more don't do this no more don't do that no more is it true i don't fucking know i was new jersey with my own problems you know um for me it means that this it didn't affect me but in many ways it did like i said i grew up

with the hatred around me and then as i got old i said what am i angry at this dude for then i watched this tv show sell you in the first 30 episodes It's Fidel taking over cube a little by little and the promises he made and how he had these young kids dedicate themselves. And then I remembered all the bad shit and then he dies last fucking week. So for me, I just feel happy for those people. Because there's a lot of chapters lives for a lot of people. What is it like for you to hear like there's like the when people are pro, were pro Castro.

There are people coming out who were like he did good things and that's just like all I've heard was all terrible things. He did six great things. But he did 2,000 really bad things. See, listen, this country has already forgiven and I'm not picking out of scab. We were already forgiven the guy who killed all the dogs. Michael Vitt.

It's forgotten. America's on to more different problems. What the fuck do you... What the fuck are you mad about from 1959? Yeah. Do you know from 59 to 61 or 62 or something? He was cool. And then something went wrong somewhere

and he went fucking ape shit and that's when the gay started getting killed that he became even more racist and all this shit. And nobody who even listens to the podcast was there. I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I wasn't there. but I saw the people's pain around me.

I saw, you know, when I talked to you about the San Francisco 49ers, you might get a little hot with me, but not that your face gets red, and you get tears in your eyes, and you have a vein in your neck. I saw those reactions from people when Cuba or Fidel was brought up. Over the holidays, these people were shot. I come to your house, Lee, in Boston, take you out of your house, and you've got to leave your mother in Boston and moved to California

and you don't know the language and you don't know how to get back you don't even know the fuck you are what now yeah that's pretty crazy what now it's fucking crazy so how many families he broke up you know your mom is over there

and you're here but any time you go home tomorrow you go home not there you know all those baseball players that defected you know what they did to their families and shit horrible fucking things I know so.

Well, there was no Cubans in the Biggs from what, 59 till G.Wizz, like the 80s? Really? That long? Yeah. Because remember when what's his name? The Duke pitched for the Yankees. He had defected. The last two I remember is Louis T. Hunt.

Louis T.O.S. But he left Cuban like 61. I see what you're saying. You're absolutely correct. Not that many players defected and were able to play. No, if you look at Lewis Tiont. made a statement the other day about the whole thing and underneath it told his story

and it said that he left Cuban 61 so you're absolutely right and somebody else Tony Perez Bango you bad motherfucker you they don't even make them like Greg Proofs no more They were great players man And Louis Tion's father was also a giant star

in the Caribbean and in the Negro leagues Tiana used to give post game press conferences naked with a cigar and he was fantastic He also almost completely on his pitching motion, turned and faced center field and then would deliver the ball. He had a tremendous motion. I always thought he should go in the Hall of Fame. He had like 250 wins.

And for money, he was really good. I felt that I had no fucking idea who he was. I was a Tony Perez fan because Tony Perez and my dad grew up together. Really? And come away Cuba. So after my dad died, whenever Tony Prevarez would come to New York to play against the Mets, him and my mom and his wife would get together. Really? And I was telling Lee, in 73, the Mets played the Reds in the East Coast, in the whatever, National League.

And I had the chicken pox. So I couldn't go to school. My mom was like, you might as well come to the fucking playoff games. So I go to the one game, and that's when Pete Rose beat up on Budhouse. Yeah, yeah, famous. Tremendous. I had a show Lee. Like, you know, this is just.

And I'm not putting Lee down at all. There's no reason for this. One night, Lee and I had a conversation. We talked about Pete Rose and how funny he was during the World Series this year. And the next dad came in and I go, Lee, put on these videos. I showed him the All-Star game video. That he never saw. Ray Fosse.

It's, it's, and this is like a TV show, Greg, that I think you and I need to pitch. Let's, and this is Nat Geo. Like, we need to go to Nat Geo with this show and go, listen. There's a generation of kids that, I had my friend bringing their kids over, and they're 21, and I looked at them, and I go, you guys ever see a Bruce Lee movie, and they looked at me, and they go, who's Bruce Lee? And they go, no, not really. And I put on Chinese connection, which the second one, when he goes to the school, and they

killed the master, that's one of the best films ever fucking made. The last 20 minutes, that was pure torture. They were sweating. Their faces were red. I'm like, you guys never saw this. They're like, no, there's a whole, when Leeds told me he had, I told Lee grew up a real hardcore baseball fan and somewhere along the line. You know, Leo stay up on that computer all night.

Somewhere along the line, he'd say, what the fuck did Pete Rose? Why don't they put him in the Hall of Fame and look it up and look at one of his videos? So I'm a Cincinnati red fan, fucking diehard. Really? You know the Yankees or Mets fan? Fuck, no. My mom was a Mets fan, and I would go to the games. I liked Tom Siva.

Yeah. I liked, there was a couple Mets I liked. he stopped. My mom threw a chicken wing at him. What? Because she lost the game. My mom used to fucking go to Megga. My mom was, listen, Cubans love baseball, okay? And when you bet the game, that's a complete different level of love. And when you make an error in right field, we got a problem.

So my mom would sit there, eat the wings, and as he would run back, she'd throw the fucking wings at him and call him La Ruta. De caravui, huaputa, and all this shit and say shit to him. So I grew up, I like baseball. I like going to watch the Pittsburgh Pirates with Willie Starr Joe and Mani San Guillen and Clemente and and who lost that like back then? I liked the Dodgers.

Dodgers were great when you lived. Dodgers were great. The same way to fuck you want. The Giants were great. They had Willie McCovey. I'm the Giants. And they had my man Orlando Sopater and shit, right? They had a, I knew Orlando Sopater from Santa Ria gathering.

Really? When I was a kid, yeah. Really? And I used to play baseball. baseball with his son and I remember one like this is he's out of baseball already at this time yeah 70 70s 7 the late 70s no he played till 75 this is 73 yeah and he had a first basements glove I had baseball yeah but I never had a first right right so he was over there all weekend we're playing baseball we're killing chickens yeah you know we're doing the whole fucking thing and

all so and the weekend ends and I got the glove in my room and I'm like he's gonna fucking forget right he said the jack button this ain't just a first baseman's glove this is a fucking Orlando Cepeda autographed yeah model no I don't even think it was autographed no no I meant that yeah yeah is right like Rawlings Orlando Sepeda Ferdez they're in the car wave and the kid goes hold on I'll have my glove I go you took it and he's like no I didn't I'm like oh oh oh you left in the room with your t-shirt oh so yeah right up and I was like god damn it yeah I almost had a fucking old lando some prey to glow wow uh but i went to uh the one of the most

my baseball glove was a peter rose glove i loved all that peteros shit i loved everything about i loved that style of baseball that aggressive fuck home runs all we need is a guy to get on first to get this party started type they would just torment baseball uh pitchers but i loved that style But my American League team on the sly was kind of the Red Sox. They had a pretty good team. Oh, yeah? I fucking hated the Yankees. I hated the Yankees and I hated their announcers.

I think they grew up on WPI. Was Mel Allen the announcer then? I don't fucking know. I hated it. I couldn't even listen. Phil Rizzuto. Oh, Rizzuto, right. Of course.

The real fucking deal. So it wasn't like I was a big Boston Red Sox man that won. If they were on TV, I'd watch them. There were a couple players. I always loved Carlton Fisk. He was a great play. I just loved. I was at his last game.

I loved his everything. He was a red ass. Yeah, like, I loved his everything, you know, like, so I liked that style of baseball, and all of a sudden, they had to play the Reds in the World Series. And my mom's tormenting me, Cuban style. Yeah. You know, Cuban style.

So what are you going to do now that? You little faggy fucking Cincinnati Reds, La Trojas. Yeah. You know, La Rojas. Red is a girl's color. What are you going to fucking do, your little La, Cincinnati Las Rojas. And I'm living under this fucking torment.

And I just said, listen, put your fucking money with your mouth is, all right? I win. I live like a doctor. I don't have to do dishes. I don't do my own laundry no more. All that shit's done, and she's all that's hot. But it wasn't about that with her.

It was going to be two or three months of constant torture. And then everything I fucked up, she'd go just the same way you like the red. You know, it's not too late. You could still be a Boston Red. Like, my mom was one of those torture chambers. My sheets were going to be red. She was going to just torment me.

I could not lose. It wasn't about the money. It was about the dignity against a Cuban woman. It's enough to destroy you. So when they played in the World Series, I was in a fucking dilemma. But the Boston Red Sox brought in Tion's parents from Cuba,

game two, game three, one of those games. And I never forgot to, Red Sox for that. I said, you know what? That's when Fidel was hard. 75, 76, Fidel wasn't playing. You got to show up there with a big envelope. Borson Red Sox is not known for a big payroll. No. So for them to get Tehan's parents over meant the world to me. I was like, he gets a pitch in the World Series. He did that documentary. He went back to Cuba after 46 years and said what a fucking nightmare it was, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There's an article on Vice about it. Apparently it was the first time in 14 years that he pitched in front of his parents. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, this is tremendous shit. And you know what, I'm sorry, guys.

You know what, I like sports from time to time? But I like good old American sports. I like good all-American sports. I don't need to see a Pepsi commercial 85 fucking times. You know, I grew up on that, and that stayed in my mind. And that's how I still remember sports. And that's how it should be played, how Pete Rose played the game. Do I agree with his gambling?

Not at all. But I've been there. What are you going to do? He got caught. He paid his due to society. He's still one of the top five players of all fucking time, especially when the game got in Down and Dirty. That shit in the All-Star game until this day.

I'm 53 years old. That, Hank Aaron's home run. Yeah. I remember where I was. was the seventh in Bergen-Line Avenue with my friend Dignis house with a little kid, he hit that home run. To me, that was like fucking...

I was so excited from... When we were kids, Lou Brock was a bad motherfucker. Oh, yeah. He used to steal tons of bases and shit. I had Lou Brock Converse shoes. Hey, what do you think you're dealing with Greg Proops? Some fucking novice. You think I just showed up with a fucking...

A giant shirt? Like, oh, my God. I love the Giants. You know, I love the Giants. You're like, really? What's your favorite team? Last year's. You're like, get the fuck out of my face, amateur.

Today I'm not in touch with nothing. I told Lidia a day, a friend came over and I watched a little football, and I watched, not the Raider game. Was it the Raider game? Greater Carolina, and that was the first time I had really watched more than three minutes of football. Yeah.

And I watched the game, and the whole time I'm like, fuck, this is a great game. I go, Carolina's great. The Raiders have been doing one. Well, I wasn't this show a fucking Carolina record like three and seven or something. I'm like, that's how much I know about football. Right.

Like back 20 years ago, I knew stats, quarterbacks, you know. I think I stopped after, I ended football as like a fucking San Francisco 49er fan. When I was in high school, they won me a fortune. When that fucking Clark caught that ball, I had the over, I had the Niners, and that pick. Not only got me that almost got my neck, my head knocked off. Because I got really fucking coked up that Friday night and really drunk.

And some kid came in that me and him didn't see eye to eye. And he kept talking about the fucking Dallas Cowboys. And then my cocaine is this kid could have killed me. Yeah. I looked at him and I go, listen, let's put a thousand down. You know, I didn't have $2 in my pocket. But that's how much I knew the miners were going to win. Because they were getting a point at home.

Yeah. You're not coming into my fucking house. The only team I lost this year was those fucking New Orleans Saints that stayed in my ass for years. The Niners couldn't figure out how to beat the fucking Saints. What about the Niners? Not to a, I don't want to depress you, but they just really, they went from Super Bowl contender to, I think they have one win this year. Yes, we're in a rebuilding phase now, as they say. I don't understand Super Bowl teams and teams that go far when you're, then the management goes, okay, this is what we invest in all.

this money for was that moment it didn't happen break up this fucking team let's start a new with a new budget i never understood that mentality in sports all that type mentality harball wasn't a good fit for san rinsisco either and nobody really liked him and they were pretty much glad to see a guy who got us to the super bowl and the playoffs glad to see him go also that super bowl was a horrible super bowl and that one seemed like there was gangster's hands all over it when the fucking lights went off at the super dome at the halftime for 20 minutes and then they're like oh now new orleans is ice cold and we came back and scored, what, three touchdowns and still couldn't win it?

I just thought. I remember the last Super Bowl. I remember standing drunk screaming at the screen from three inches away as we lost. Let me tell you something. I remember the last 15 Super Bowls, like, I remember getting raped. Like, I just don't remember them at all.

Like, you know what I'm something? Like, I just, that's how much. No, I don't watch. That's how different. Niners one I watched. That's how different my life was. There was a time where, you'd watch it.

A Super Bowl man, a grandma blow. A case of beer, three quailutes. And that was just the start. Yeah. That was just half time. At Quarming in the third quarter, because we might need something. I want you to deliver it. That was one of those type of guys.

And now I know nothing. I know zero about baseball. Baseball is the one that I can't even keep up with. I don't even try anymore. It's been like three years because it's just too much. But you'll watch a Red Sox game. Or you stop watching the Red Sox. If it's on Fox, but I don't have like the local Boston station,

so I'm not going to do that. And then it's just the players change so much. I always go when I'm home. But other than that, it doesn't seem it's just 162 games before the playoffs. So I just... Six months. Yeah, oh my God. You got time to follow that when you're 15.

Yeah, I was going to say, I don't follow it as oddly as I do. You read the odd. I've known as a baseball fan, but I really like all-time baseball more. And also, yeah, now I don't have time every day to follow every single team in bigs and what they did and who their players are. This year, yes, because the Giants staggered into the playoffs. And also I was on the road with Joel Murray. I'm in an improv group with him.

And he's the biggest Cubs fan in the world. So I had someone I could root for that when the Cubs beat the Giants, it was like fine. I watched a few of those games. It's just amazing to me how I went from knowing the only one I did not, there was two sports I could not talk to you about, ever, and that's hockey. Yeah, I don't know anything about.

I know nothing about hockey. I went through a few games. Seemed interesting. Right. And college football moved too fast for me. It's too complicated. There's too many teams. There were teams that I zeroed in on and I watched.

And then people would say, no, watch these guys. And I'd watch. But besides that, I couldn't keep up with college football. If it was on, and I went at Lee's house, or I'm at your house, I'd say, put the fucking game on. What are we watching this shit? Anything is better than, you know, when you're 19, anything. that's better than fucking division nine yeah you know could be anything better than what the fuck you're playing or whatever so but now i know the tv service i have there's like so many

games they have high school football oh for god's sense yeah i don't know it's just not as much of an obsession anymore like you say you kind of i don't know i don't know if it's getting older or what i mean if it's the giants or the niners then i'm more interested and i go to a couple baseball games every and I watch a few. I still follow it. But not. Like when I was first on the road, 20 years ago or whatever, there was a pay,

when you had to follow it in the newspaper, you know, you get the paper in the morning and you read all the stats and read the standings and read all the game wrap-ups. And then, you know, then the sports center started and then you, you know, you could see all the baseball highlights, which you never could before.

You had to watch crappy local news, which would have two minutes of nothing. And now it's so much. People are on their phone every second. I don't know. My father was a compulsive gambler, and the one thing he didn't bet was sports. Sports was not his horses. He liked horses.

But he called sports betters bleeders because you have to wait three hours to lose. That's what I like about it. A bunch of fucking bleaters. Horse races over in two minutes. Two minutes and you know exactly where you stand, Jack. And whether you're going to play the next race. But with sports, it's all day, Sunday, all week. And then you can really blow it out betting sports.

It's funny. I like gambling, but I did not understand losing money. And I did not understand working hard and giving half your check away, three quarters of it away. I go to the track twice a year up here. I take 50, 60 bucks with me. You got a bowl of chili, a beer. Yeah.

And when the 60 disappears, you get in your car and go home. Right. But that's not what real hardcore gamblers. No. They're there to be alive every day. No, but I learned because I also went to the track in 1-900 and all of a sudden lost and how to walk home. Right.

That was a horrible lesson for me as a young man. And then sports betting, it's a great idea where I'm from until you get in trouble with it. Right. And then you got to leave town for a few years and, you know, hopefully they forget by that and then you move on. But once I got out of that shit, once I left Jersey in all those years, I probably put in 10 bets. And five of them are six of them.

I've been in Vegas. Two of them have been here fucking around or whatever. But no, no, no, no. That's a horrible life to get involved. Yeah. On top of the drugs I was already doing. I can't have 19. Drugs and gambling, oh, you're going to burn in hell for a long time.

Yeah. You need a bankruptcy for the fucking bankruptcy. What's up, Lee? Look at the shapey. I'm doing okay. No, you're not. What's happening? Are you going to bed, sweetie? Look at the shape of YouTube.

Hey, what do we have? Don't worry about what we have. At least stay on the case. What are the DAs listening? They're going to come to rescue your show. You need that aggravation. The DA is listening. They should have been here a while. Is this show out live to the DEA? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Straight to the DEA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should think so.

At this point. Can I ask you something? If you don't want to talk about it, that's I understand. All right, Lee. But you were Bob the Builder. Yeah. That's pretty cool. I'll talk about Bob the Builder. It's like a kid, like, it seems like to be, hot with the under fives.

To be like a star of the kid show. It's pretty cool. I got it years ago, 10 years ago, maybe. We did it 2004, 2005, 2006, it ended around there somewhere. I went in to a studio in London. There was a company called HIT that used to make the show. Neil Morrissey, who is a British actor, was the British Bob the Builder. He had kind of a podcast.

McCartney, you know, northern. He took like this, you know, it's good, well done, Wendy. And I went in, and I was doing all these funny voices. And then a woman came over the speaker, and she goes, Um, would you mind just doing it in your voice? And I said, are you insinuating that I have a funny cartoon voice? And she said, well, if you wouldn't mind reading it again, it's yourself. So I went, well done, Wendy.

You reduced and you recycled. And, um, they were like, come out and then this is the only time it's ever happened to me, Joey. I went out into the studio and she goes well we've been having a chat

and um would you like to do it? Would you like to be bum? And I was like, oh, I'd love to. That'd be fantastic. Terrific. Thank you. That's great. I shook hands with everybody. Walked out the door on the phone. Immediately my voice agent in London

fucking call them back right now before they fucking think about it. Before they change their mind, call them Now, they just offered me the fucking part. So I did it for years, and I would fly to Linden, and we'd record a couple dozen shows, and it was a studio in Soho. I would go around the corner to bar Italian, have coffee in the morning, and then I'd go upstairs. At lunch, we'd have curry or Chinese food from a takeout, you know.

It was a fantastic gig. And then people would say to me, even Craig Ferguson said it to me, well, why don't they just record it here? You know, why don't you just record it in L.A.? And I'd go, shush, shh, shh, shh, what do you mean? Why don't we record in L.A.? They're flying me and my wife to London a couple, three times a year to record this cartoon. They might be bugging me. Don't say that.

Right? And so we would get a trip to London. I put gigs with it. You know, and we went to the World Cup, I remember, with Drew Carey in 2006 to do a TV show like Discover. And I went and I did Bob the Builder. And our engineer was a really nice guy. He had a bad day this day. and he erased an entire day's worth of recording, right,

which was probably 16 shows, you know, 16, 20 cartoons. And so I get a, my agent rings me, could you come back to London? I'm like, well, I'm in the middle of kind of going of these football matches, and I'm doing a TV show here, and they're like, oh, no, they're going to pay you again for all of them. The engineer erased an entire day's worth of recording, and you've got to come back in and do it.

So I was flown from Frankfurt, I think, to London. And I went and did one day. Same engineer? No, they fired him. He was in hell. He was really nice. I loved him. You won't see him, though.

He came to the show once. We were playing the comedy store with the improv group. And he came out to the show. He said, oh, you're doing the show? And I'm like, hey, I'll put you at the door for you, right? So he comes to the show. You know, I've been working with them all day, doing Bob. And he, as we say in England, rat-airst.

I mean, he fucking, you know, hey man, how's it going? Yeah, I fucking fucking, like, wow, honey, you put it on before. You know, like this is a two-hour improv show. And he was, yeah, completely rad-assed. And so Bob the Builder was great. And then they sold the company, and that was that. But I did it for four or five years. And it was really fun.

The guy they had before me I never liked, and I don't know who does it now. Now, but people always go, well, you can do it again. It's like, that's not how anything works. That's not how anything works. But I really enjoyed doing it. And we did a feature film, too, and that one we did from here. That one I remember doing from here. And Susie Quatro, isn't it?

You remember Susie Quatro? Susie Quattro was one of the voices in Bob the Vilder in this episode. I don't think she was Wendy, but she was like a cowgirl or something. She was a rock star in the 70s, a glam star. She made it big in England, and then she came back to the States and was Leather Tuscadero, was it, on Happy Days or something? She was from... Detroit. She was just a rocker girl from

It was pinky Tuscadero. There was panke and I think leather was her sister. Yes. And not Susie Quadro, but yeah, so Bob the Builder, thank you for asking. So people go, will you do the Bob the Builder voice? And I'm doing it. This is the Bob the Builder voice. The only difference would be I go, Lee, well done, you recycled. Thank you. And they go, and then

so because it was a British cartoon and we were doing it for North America, they lived in a caravan. So I go, you know, That's a trailer. And they would drink tea. And I'm like, no, coffee, you know. And every once in a while something would slip through, and they'd have rewritten it for North America. And I'd go, we don't say bits.

We say parts. Part of it. They say, oh, you know, bits and that. And it's like, we go, I have a part. This part goes here. And every once in a while, I'd have to go, like, if you want it to sound like Americans talking, we go, I'm going to the trailer to get some coffee,

not I'm nipping over to the caravan for some tea or whatever, right? Right, yeah, yeah. So I would say, like, you know, we can't say this. And then... Especially in construction. Right, and he's a construction worker. And then there was, I can't remember the valley they lived in. I can remember some of the names.

Muck was one of the characters in Scape. And a bucket, a water bucket in England is sometimes called a butt, B-U-T-T. And one of the episodes I said to my wife was like, porn episode, Muck's Waterbutt. But it just meant Muck's Water Bucket and shit. And then, uh, so, uh, they would play it for me with the English version. And that was what I recorded too. We all came in separately.

And the other actors in it were all Canadian in general. Uh, in London, when they can't find Americans to do American voices, they use Canadians because Canadians sound enough like us to do it. And Star Wars too. Me and Scott Capuro, or both in San Francisco, they used us because they want. They recorded in London, but they wanted the pod race to have American voices. And I'm doing bad Ron Fairley. If you remember Ron Fairley played for the Dodgers, played for the Expos.

He was the Giants announcer in the 80s, and he was incoherent. Ron Farley goes, well, here comes Mark Grant out. Wait, don't scratch that. That's Mark Davis. Like, he would get players confused and show like that, you know. And Mark Davis was left-headed and Mark Grant was right-handed. And you're like, how did you, when they were out there throwing. so when I went in to do the Star Wars one they're like do an announcer voice so I just went like

wow what a day it is here today like because that's how Ron fairly did I remember you know we'd go have beers with a sandy Kofax was a heck of a guy and you know like he would just go off yeah so like Cubs fans always do Harry Carey Harry Carrey right like there's 500 comics Kempa Nara in particular well known for his Harry Carey but um Every Chicago Cup's man I know can do Harry Kerry. I don't do a very good one, but... Me neither. No.

So I did a baseball now as for that one, but, yeah, thank you for asking about Bob the builder. I don't mind talking about it at all. People would go, like, did you like doing it? It's like, they'd fly me to London, and then we'd have, like, curry at lunch. Like, what do you mean did I like it? And all you had to do is read scripts, you know, and do a fucking... And do the thing. No camera.

And I work fast, and I like to work fast. I'm sure you do too. Yeah. So, and the producer was cool, and we had the same taste in music. So in between breaks, we'd talk about music and shit. And he was a musician, a thwarted musician, and he was recording cartoons for a living and da-da-da. We would knock off. They would schedule two full days in the studio, and we'd be done in like a day sometimes

or a day in a little bit of a morning. And then I was free. Free, yeah. But you'd be booked out for like three days and like, mm-mm, I'd do it all in a day, a day and a half. Because, you know, if you work fast, it'd just put your head down. And, of course, every take. they're signing off on every take. They're not.

Although I will tell you one about Star Wars. When we finished it, whenever that movie came out, 96 or 97, we were brought back in to studio in London. And I'd recorded in London and this and that. And I went in,

and there was a phone patch. And there was a guy in Marin at Lucasfilm on the other end of the line. And they played the POD race and I did all the lines over again. And you know how, when you're recording something, they go, okay, do it again and hit this part of the line

and make this part good and da-da-da-da-da. Fucking, I go, when does the picture open? And the guy on the other end goes, 10 days. So I read the line, well, that's got to hurt or whatever. And they're like, fine, moving on, right? And then one pass, one pass, one pass on everything. Their picture was opening literally in 10 days and they were getting last fucking that's how they do it.

And this big show, much the picture cost a zillion. I mean, now it would have cost a million zillion, but then it costs a zillion dollars. That's what I was amazed about, going back to Bob the Builder, that you could do an entire season in a day, and they wouldn't have rewrites every two minutes. But these had already been done,

and they were already British cartoons. So I was voicing them over for re-release in Canada and the United States. Oh, part of it. So all the PBS stations on whatever, you know, CBC, whatnot. I don't know where it showed in Canada, but like the North American market, required American voices in their mind. And so it was fine.

And I loved doing it. And I would do it again in the second. I don't get to do enough cartoons. Now I sound like a Mr. Shobas. I'm just telling me. You asked, and I thought, well, fuck it. Listen, man. One of the things that's always attracted me to you, like,

was you ever watch The Departed? There's a great scene in the movie The Pardt. Well, he asked Leonardo Caprio, Jack Nicholson, if he knew who, John Lennon was. And he goes, you know, Lenin says he could take a tuba and get something out of it. I always thought that as comedians, we should always be more versatile. I always believe that.

And when I see a guy who's doing that, I admire him for going outside the box. Because there's so many guys that just write, go on the road, and that's it. And they work that angle, that would just kill me. If that was it, that'd be like getting a fucking die. I might as well just go to New York and carry a brown bag. It's the same fucking difference, my friend. It's the same fucking difference. I could just go to the funny bone in Memphis so many times

before you want to put a gun in your fucking mouth. You try to split it up. Chicken wings in the dress room, the Friday night late show. And then as you get wiser and older. As you get wiser and older, you go, you know what? This is like a fucking lone shark. I got to milk these clubs for everything they got. Instead of going every 18,

I go every two years and I make a bigger splash. You just learn how to milk your fucking money, you know. But I like that, that you could do a voiceover and call somebody and go, you know, and I got to cancel that week and Poughkeepsie. That's heaven when you get something. Oh, I'll call you next year and it's healthy to do from time to time to let people know you got them in check. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you got to keep these club owners in check, whatever, I have a great time.

but it's so I would die if all I had was comedy and the last couple of years that got to do the podcast because it wasn't how it used to be five years ago for me I would book a film

for six weeks and that's when you call everybody and go scratch that date sorry Charlie I'm focusing on this film even if it wasn't a ton of money

it didn't matter to me I took that break just because I could take that break trust me by the second week you start bringing a notebook on the set And writing little jokes and shit. But until then, it's a nice little cleanse.

You know, you need that. I never liked. I like people who have different things going on. I could tell they're more creative. Well, I got lucky with a bunch of stuff, too. But yes, it really helps. No, but you were at the right place at the right time. Even when they offered it to you, you could have turned it down.

Voiceovers. I can't have voiced over. You got the wrong guy. You know, somebody called me for a voiceover. I didn't know what to do. You're like, are you fucking crazy, Jack? Like, I just did Mafia 3. my first little live action voice blew my mind

while I like to do it again yeah I like that it wasn't bad could I do it every day it gets on your fucking nerves well there's people who do it every day oh please and they fucking carry suitcases to the bank like Tony Montana they finally get studios in their houses those are the ones that really rock my world

the ones that say you know what I just bought a house right and I do it all from here and got a studio right from the back So I go in there in the morning, I read, I email them the files, and the River Dirty. That's in the Toad. Those are the guys that are just geniuses. Did you see a nightmare before Christmas? He's a living in it. You know what I'm saying?

He's going to have to eat an edible every day before Christmas. His eyeballs are going to be fucking red. I eat an edible every day regardless. Are you talking about like the one that was an older one like in the 90s or 80s? Yeah, oh yeah, then yes. Yes, I did see that one. enough there was a new one. No, they haven't remade it.

Well, I got lucky this year and last year, and Danny Elfman, we did it live at the Hollywood Bowl, so I got to do that over Halloween. That was really fun. How was that? Joey, it was like being in an opera, man. It was like, there's a full orchestra on stage, 20 people in the chorus, there was five singers.

I was one of them, because I was in the movie. And Danny, who had done the music and everything, he came out and sang, Catherine O'Hara, Pee-E-Herman, Canpage. So they'd show the film, then they'd stop it, and they'd introduce a number, and then everybody come out and sing it, and full orchestra.

And so we'd do rehearsals with just us, and then you'd rehearse with this fucking something orchestra. And I'm in front of all the strings, and the cellos are behind me and everything. And, you know, it just, comedy's fun and comedy's worthy, and I love doing comedy, and it's, you know, the emotional core of my life,

but getting to do something like that, I felt like I was in fucking Rigoletto. You know what I mean? Like, it's just, just this giant undertaking and they're showing the movie and the crowd's going crazy and there's 18,000 people there because it's the Hollywood Bowl and a million kids, you know, and everybody's dressed up and stuff. And they asked me this year, where you host the costume contest before the show? Last year they had a DJ or somebody do it like a little girl. I'd be a little girl,

but I mean a young woman DJ from like Disney Channel or something. And of course, she's not funny. you know you're parading a bunch of people up in fucking dressed like all the characters from nightmare and so I said yeah I'd love to I go before the show I'm sitting downstairs you know what I mean I'm not doing anything an hour before the show to put my costume on early and I go up and all these people in these elaborate

fucking outfits you know dresses Skellington Jack or or Wednesday Adams or whatever the fuck you know monsters from beetle juice. A little kid, four-year-old kid gets up and he's just his beetle juice. And I go, what's your name? And he goes, Jack. And I'm like, Jack?

And he goes, mm, you're going to. And he pulls him in a minute. And what is it? And he goes, Jacques. And I go, you're going to do a lot better in a few years with Jacques. Then you are with Jack, man. Let me tell you that.

And then he pulls me down. I go, what is it? And he goes, have I won yet? Now, how long was this whole process at the Hollywood Bowl from the beginning? Well, we rehearsed for like, two or three times, at various places.

The year before, we did costume fittings and all that. And then we did three nights at the Hollywood Bowl. And the year before, we did two nights at the Hollywood Bowl. John Massieri, who's the conductor,

the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra, was the conductor. And I was posted up, like, where Lee is, is where the conductor was on the podium with his baton. And I was right here.

So, yeah, he would look over, like, you'd be coming on, and he'd go, when you're apart, yeah, right at you. And I missed my cube hideously one night, of course.

And then the next night I got it right. And I said to him after we were having a beer, how was it? And he's like, that was exciting, wasn't it? The first year when we rehearsed, we were all chattering because we're idiots. And I was with singers. These are real singers. I'm getting anxiety. Just listening to you right now.

Honest real, like, breathing. I had to sing with real singers. I'm seeing blood right now. With singers, right? I couldn't even imagine looking over at a fucking conductor. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. I'm feeling the energy from a orchestra on my neck playing horns and violins, especially at the Hollywood Bowl, the way the sound goes out.

Because my wife used to work there, so we'd go there for all the Pink Panthers and all the stuff like that. And I was always amazed how this song, I would always go, thank God I'm not on heroin right now. Thank God I'm not on acid right now. That would have been a big fucking mistake, you know? I couldn't imagine doing what you did. right now until I started yakima I was going down and it felt like I was bleeding

like why am I feeling this way? Am I bleeding from somewhere? That's how much anxiety I was getting from you just saying that. You know, we rehearsed and I got it wrong a few times this time and all the singers had remembered it from last year and they wrote us an email and like

do you need a new book? And I remembered I had the book, right? It's the music book with all the lyrics and I can't read sheet music so it's no fucking good. to me like the words you know the tune I had to memorize you know play the songs over and over because I can't read sheet music and of course the singers in the show are that's what they do for a living they sing so they can read if you give them a sheet of

music they'll go you know and then I don't know I need to diminish fifth and then on the second bar I need you to um you take the high part and you take the low part and I want you to do a low seat and they go mm and I'm like you know I don't fucking so um so um so um but it wasn't as complicated as all that. But the first year, we were in the rehearsal room at Warner Brothers with a giant orchestra, and we were yapping. And John Messeri, the conductor, went like this. And I hadn't happened to me since I was a little kid.

He didn't say a word and even look at us. He didn't say word. He just went like that. Like we were children, right? And all five of us just out of tension, you know, because we were blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they were trying to do something. And that one made me like, go, you know, focus, Greg.

Focus. This is a different game. This is a fucking different game. There's 200 people in this room. Yeah, this isn't fucking... And you're pulling the attention towards yourself right now with jokes? This isn't fucking...

You know, the problem I saw as soon as I moved to L.A., and I always spoke about this, was going on a set and in basketball. When I first moved here, one of the biggest blessings I got was in those days when you got two days in a film it was really 32 days

because they go oh no no we're going to put your scenes just come in tomorrow so I saw people go in there and I forget the comic that went in there when he left like they applauded they couldn't wait for him to leave because he was directing

he was a writer let me write the scene for you the right way and I always learned from watching that to shut my fucking pile where even when people come over, I yes and no. Right.

They're paying me. This is not stand up. This is an end up. And don't be the center of attention. Yeah, this guy's paying me to be part of, you know, again, we're talking about Hollywood situations. Remember your lines. I'm standing the right place.

The last 18 months, Greg, I've been getting anxiety at the store. As soon as I walk into the original room, I've been going there for 20 years this February. So as I walk up the stairs. I look at the stage, my heart fucking whatever. Okay, so that was one thing. I did it a few times.

I just breathe through it. By the time I hit the stage, I'm fine. I did the goddamn comedy jam. Have you done it yet? A lot of fun. Same thing. Went up there confident as fuck as I was walking onto the stage. Out of my right eye, I could see all these people jumping up and down.

I just had to look at the drummer and sing to the drummer. And when I did turn around, just my heart stopped. you know i was like what the fuck that was fine did the will turn the theater a couple weeks ago i almost fell apart right yeah first two minutes i was out of it yeah yeah i was like joey breed through this shit you know you're talking about going up at the hollywood fucking bowl singing with an orchestra behind you i'm sitting here going i would die at this point in my life maybe 10 years ago 10 years ago i could definitely fucking do whatever the hell i wanted to and that's I fucking hate talking about this shit.

The longest yard is on constantly. And every time it's on, I catch the beginning or I catch one particular scene. You have HBO? Yeah. All four of them. Yeah, yeah. And you leave the house and

Spider-Man is on. And it's always up to a certain point. And you always leave at that point. And then you come back the next day, it starts from that point. You're like, what the fuck's going on in my life? whenever I see the longest yard. I don't know what's on.

I put on like something, 2.45 to see if Loan Order is on. And as I'm scrolling, it's on a Comedy Central 2 in the afternoon. Yeah. And it's always the first scene that I pop out. And the second scene where I really have lines, okay? And every time I look at that scene,

I have to switch it because I get so much anxiety thinking about doing that scene for the first time in front of everybody. Like me getting to out. Albuquerque, me getting to Santa Fe, me rehearsing, me working out with the team. All that shit in that dick compared to, like, they were Monday, 6 a.m. And all of a sudden, oh, by the way, you're the first scene on Monday, the group, and Michael Lurvin and all these football players and camera guys, and Adam Sailing, Chris Rock.

You know, and I wasn't doing blow, when I got to Habercard case, I said, I'm Santa Fagra. I'm not cop and blow. I broke down the sixth week. I'm not going to lie here. But the first three weeks, I want it just to look good and be healthy, you know. But I look at that scene now, Lee, and I get anxiety watching that scene. What scene was it? The one in the beginning.

Well, what is it? Do you know what? I'm desperate to use the bathroom. It's not terrible things. No, no, no, no. I got to do some shoutouts. All right. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. You know what scene it is? It's the scene when. Can you fit around me? I can. You're beautiful.

It's the scene when he goes. goes when I read the fucking board tree house oh okay guy that scene right there as soon as I see that my heart fucking stops it beats heavy and I can't believe I had the balls

to do that and I try to think back of what the fuck I was thinking at that time that made me think I could do that scene because today thinking about that scene I would quit right fucking there right that day when I would

walked on the set I would have ran through the director and said listen sir I hate to tell you this there's no way I could fucking do this okay there is no way I could fucking do this why would you do that to yourself because that's the way my mind works okay what the fuck was I thinking I'm a fat felon from North Bergen New Jersey who robbed and stole I can't believe when I got the call for that and I can't believe when they called me and said I actually had it like I kept walking around thinking a fucking brick was going to hit me or something

so you didn't you didn't think that like the sense they chose you like it was fine I didn't know what the fuck I was thinking it doesn't really matter that's how bad my anxiety like when I see that scene my fucking heart stops no anyway Joe Perez gets a shout out Bob Lingus and his family

gets a shout out Tommy Easter making a comeback out of the fucking hills and shit Lorne Rosenka, my man Rod McFadden, Ronnie Archer, Dom De Niro, John Cutler, Todd Lightley, and John Petrowski. I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget this weekend, Portland, Oregon and shit. The party starts Thursday night. 8 o'clock, don't fuck around.

I don't want to hear no tears and tears for fears and all this shit. And don't forget, Cogsuckers, CISO TV, you're basically 10 days away from my first special. I'm happy you got my back All you got to do right now when that podcast ends Go to CISO TV Do your email, do the code And do a code name Joey and get two months for free

You're helping me out So do me that favor And call your mother Give her a fucking code Call your sister Give her the code Call your brother give her a code Call anybody the fuck you know

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Squash. Squish. I got to lose some money. Anyway. Well, Joe, it's always a pleasure with you and Lee. It's always a fucking pleasure seeing you. I'm happy that you're working. I was happy to hear about the Hollywood Bowl.

That shit makes my dick hard, man. These people just tap out and they go one direction. Listen, we work in eight fucking things here, a podcast. We're working on the road career. We're trying to get a TV show going. Whatever the fuck we got. You got to work it from every direction until they put us in the casket. That's it.

What else are you going to do? There's no retiring. No, what are you going to do? Once you stop using it, brother, you lose it. That's it all over. Then your leg starts going. your little feet start going. I'll find somewhere to crack jokes.

There's somebody who always give me $25 bucks to tell them a few jokes. They have a drink. I have a fucking Diet Coke. They think I'm really drinking. You know what I'm saying? Old school style. Working at Lee, Lysay.

What do you got playing this weekend? Lee. Talk to Uncle Joey. What's the adventure this weekend? You're going to go horseback rent? No, maybe. There is this pretty cool vintage arcade in Pasadena that I might go to. look pretty fun and I hate that um I don't hate nothing I just like what you do I'm

interested because you're such an interesting fellow you're gonna have this weekend you sit there you think of all these things you know what I haven't been to an arcade in 30 years maybe I go to a fucking arcade this weekend it's cool it's all them free play hold on let me let me help this and see if there's an arcade in the area oh what a coincidence it's fucking Arcadia Ville up there even better there was a group one So there's you go. Look at you. Hell yeah.

He's a victim of youth. I love the little things. The little things. Everything's at his fingertips. Everything's Yelp. He don't take a chance. Right. Everything is Yelp.

He believes strangers. Yeah. He listens to strangers, but he won't listen to his uncle Joey. You know what I'm saying? Ain't that a bitch? Some guy in Yelp, he's never met. Tell them. All of the Popeye's chicken.

fucking muddle go down and get the Popeye's chicken you were the one who told me get Popeye's chicken I did not tell you to get pop I didn't I'm not talking about Popeye's chicken it's just a fucking example all right I didn't tell you to get Popeye's chicken wow I told him to get Popeye he goes on they get three buckets I didn't tell you to get three buckets I get the I get the spicy ones okay this what I live with you understand this is what I live it was the pizza rev I don't know what they do no more what else you got going on brother you're traveling you do oh yeah I'm in yuk yuk yukes and then I'm

back and we're going to show the apartment over at the Cineofinne family on December 7th, the Great Groups Film Club. That's a great picture with Jack Lemon and Shirley Maclean. Old school, brother. Oh, yeah. Old school. You're like me. Teaching the kids, baby.

That's a little bit. And then in, let's see, then in London, if your listeners have, on the London, on the 14th, I'll be at the comedy store with the Comedy Store, at the Soho Theater. Then I'll be at Shakespeare Company in Paris on the 20-something. someone there. I don't know even that's a live show. I don't know if we're just going to do it in a room and drink. And then back in San Francisco for New Year's, for New Year's weekend, a podcast then too. Where you at New Year's Eve? San Francisco Punchline. With Greg. With Greg.

No, with me. Oh, you got the punchline. They're at the punchline. They're at Cobbs probably. They do the whole point. There's a copse across like a mile away. Polariously, as you know, San Francisco so small. The clubs are like literally five minutes. from each other. I'm a punchline guy. I'm with you. We've had this discussion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cubs is big and it's not. They wanted me to do it again. They push it every fucking time. Listen, Cobbs is available. The 26th, you'll make a ton of money. Listen.

I like the little road. Leave me at the fucking punchline. Leave me to fuck alone. Move on with your goddamn life. It's my home. It's my home. Me too. I love it.

Last New Year's I improvised the whole set and I didn't like to go out of my way and tell anyone. I just got up there and did it because I was tired of hearing my material. One and two. Is that the album? I meant yeah I made that one the year before

why you still get the record You're dealing with some novice No no no The uh but last year Instead of uh You know I just thought well I'll just get up there and riff And you know the clock was there And the decorations and everything

So And it was a lot more fun It was a lot more fun Than trying to You know 10 minutes till New Year's people aren't focused anymore They want that You know then it's near

You're going up there trying to sell you material Right You know come on So you're actually fucking sick of Yeah That's the constant set people never never get that. You're like me. You love to write.

You switch shit up. You take a chance at the beginning of your set. Sometimes you bury yourself. I love all that shit in a set. I can't go out there and do the same set just to have a great set. I got to take chances sometimes. I've got down the dark street and I got to work

myself out of it. That's what 25 years comes in. You know? My first 16 months in the business, I realized after three months, that it was very hard to write a new five minutes every week. You know, my first year in the business, I thought I was actually, oh, yeah, I'll write five minutes every week.

Every Tuesday I have a brand new five minutes. I'm a fucking surprise, Jack. So I had improvised, and I learned. But it took me a long time to make the switch over to stand-up comedy. I would just go on stage, do one or two jokes, and start with the, what do you do for a little? Yeah, right, right. And it gets fucking old.

Yeah. It's a 50-50. You're not a comedian. Anybody could do that shit. Until one day I got serious in Seattle, did the contest, and I stopped improvising, and I don't improvise at all.

Like, I improvise on stage. Yeah. But to go on stage and talk to the audience, I can't do that no more. Oh, I never talk to the crowd. I'll move that motherfucking train fast if it happens. But for so long, I was depending on it. Oh, yeah.

What a horrible crutch to have. And when you see something, somebody doing it when you go to do a show and you see somebody doing it it makes you think when you were doing that shit you're like god damn it years ago um tom sawyer who ran the old cobs san francisco said to me i was probably opening at the time uh you can't follow yourself and i said what do you mean he goes you do your jokes then you go into the crowd and you work the crowd for 10 minutes and then when you come back to your jokes everybody can smell your material and that's not that funny. Like, you know, he didn't get on me for it. He just said,

what time it was. Right, right? He said, you can't follow yourself. You got to write more material that's about this and that. And I went, you're right. I'm relying so hard on where are you from? When you're an idiot, you're an idiot. And it was like, and so then I just stopped talking to the crowd entirely. You know, Lee said that he only met people that smoked pot. It's so weird. When I was doing coke, I would bump into somebody, somewhere. in every town that miraculously had a grandma blow on them you attract it you always said to yourself like how come with heroin people with heroin don't bump into me it's so weird

when you improvise pretty soon people smell it on you and they start chatting up before you even get there that's where it turns sour on you that pretty soon it's not that you're known for improvising you just Give off that vibe that allows them to come in. Right, which you don't want. Which you don't want. That takes years to develop, guys. That's a pretty hard muscle to portray a body language where if you do say something at me, I don't hear it.

And to boot after three or four times, they just give up. They just go, this guy is not going to react to us at all unless we let ourselves on fire. We're just going to give up. It's so weird. It's such a weird muscle to get that confidence to let your body language know. I don't want to hear what you got to fucking say. No.

Unless I talk to you, then you speak. Until that fucking time, don't fucking say. I don't address people much. No, it's really weird. I want to do what I want to do up there. It's funny when you move to L.A., that's the first thing they say to you. And I'll never forget, I had a dear friend from Texas. Good comic, you know, worked hard, came up here a little,

too soon for his time. And at that time, I had a room in Brea. Listen, every new comic needs a hundred bucks, you know? Right. So I called him up. I said, what are you doing Wednesday? You want to come down to Bray and do the G? Absolutely.

He had bailed me out a couple times of gigs. He went down there. I'll never forget this. This had to be like the first Wednesday after Christmas. He went down there. He got on stage. first he did that Texas stuff I want to thank the troops

I'm Bram in California they don't even know you know and I saw that strike and then he did two or three jokes he did okay he had him but he started improvise and when he got off that stage two maybe three days later

there was an emergency in Texas and that was fucking six or seven years ago. Like, they couldn't take, make the transition. Like, it was unthinkable. You know, it's such a weird beast comedy, especially the way you're doing it, because you do so many different things.

Everything that you do adds to that art. Like, right now, one thing I am good at, like, I'm okay at stand-up, but do you know what I realize I'm really good at now when I do it? I can act my ass. Like I know my lines. I know where to stand. I know how to fucking block.

I don't say nothing. I go prepared. Like, I look at the room while they're shooting something else. I look at the speed they're moving. You can gauge shit. And I see myself now and I'm like, wait a second. Next time I do something, I've got to ask for more money. Because I'm fucking good at this.

People that are fucking up. They come in there with wrinkled shirts. They don't know anything about anything. You know, I always tell Lee that I did a soap opera years ago. and if I hadn't had the experience I had from the years of being here, I would have got fired the first day. That's the hard. You've got to do your soap up?

No. Hardest thing I happen. Right, you've got to learn a million lines. No, they've got telepromp this as shit. Oh, really? But it's like nobody talks to you. Right. You do, where's my line?

Where the show you are on? What's the name of the show? Who's line in today? Who's line in there? Who's line? Whose line isn't anyway? You get there. You show your identification.

They tell you where to park. You walk. out there's an AD who comes up to you how you doing mr. Proops hi you're in locker room three B today and they walk you in also another guy to Greg Proops is there right and also have a good day bye bye and also another guy comes and get you and they walk it to your thing and they go you hungry mr. Proops and you go yeah what's on the menu today um there's a ham an egg sandwich how taking you take the sandwich and all of a sudden you lock the door you put your back down and you

hi hi Wardrobe we're gonna we're gonna hang this here for you you, but go ahead, take your time, eat breakfast, whatever. We're not shooting yet, and they close the door, and you get the phone, and you're about to call your wife, hi, hair and makeup. Don't forget, eat your breakfast, we'll come get you. Okay, you close the door, you know, but they're involved, okay, right there, you had involvement. They all come fucking back, and they dress you, and they take, look at your shirt, and they say, okay, you're seeing 16A, you're going to block,

and then you're going to put wardrobe on, let's do it this way. And that's all you're shooting today. Okay, that's it. At least you had guidance. When you do a soap opera, the time I did it, Doug, I did General Hospital, called time 8 o'clock. And what was weird was, when I got it,

my agent called, and then somebody called me from there. And they're like, listen, you're coming at 8. You're out of there by 11 o'clock. I'm like, this person's never shot television. That's what I said to myself. I'm like, I got two scenes, and I'm going to be out of there by 11. And there's three, there was like six scenes in front of me.

Yeah, of course. I'm like, good luck. I'll be out of there by 11. Honey, I'm not going to see you don't like 10 o'clock, dog. I'm going to get banked today. Really? I walked in there at 8 o'clock, bro, and that was, it says, on set 814. Right.

By 814, motherfuckers rehearsed for one minute. It was by the clock, Greg Brooks. I mean, Greg Brooks. Yeah. You looked at your sheet, and the time at 10, you're going to be on set at 10.38, and your first fucking lines gonna be at 1041. You bet your ass.

That computer was moving with or without you. And by the time this scene popped up, there was a teleprompter in your fucking room. There's two teleprompters. You check in and they give you a slip and they go room 38. And that's it. That's the last human.

You have contact with Greg Proops. That's a scary situation. Room 38. What's 38? Room 38. You don't know what 38 is? 38. And you walk to 38.

And there's clothes in there hanging up. There's no fucking woman in there waiting feet. There's clothes hanging up. And there's a script. And there's a contract. And you fill it out. And it tells you, people who are in the scenes 22 to 28 come out to the thing in five minutes. You go out there.

People shake your hand. Hi, how are you? Nice to have you on the set. You're playing who's in bed. Okay. Let's rehearse it. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Okay.

Thank you. You go. You get your egg sandwich. You eat it you drink your little cranberry juice you put your little fucking suit on and you watch that teleprompter in your room There's a teleprompter of what's going on on stage and there's a teleprompter the scenes and when they want you out there And it's no fucking nobody comes in that room really no second AD nothing Jesus Christ Greg proves it's intimidating as fuck right and all of son it goes scene 48 let's say you're in scene 51 Yeah, it'll go 51 come to the stage that quick Greg proofs you

You walk on to the stage. Somebody comes out. Does final fucking touches. Okay? Blah, blah, blah. They wipe your shoes. Whatever's going to be in the scene. Scene 51 places.

Scene 51. Scene one, take one. Action. Boom. But boom, Greg Proops. No, Joe Diaz. Blah, blah, blah. Okay.

Fuck you. No, fuck you. If you fuck up on your line, it's not start the scene over. No. Pick it up from right there. Let's say it again. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Action cut. Thank you. We'll see you back here for 54. That's how, don't even leave. Just go to the corner. It's cameras everywhere and a wall. Wow.

And all of a sudden, you walk off and all of a sudden, come on back, and all of a sudden, ready, action. Pa-ba-pa-pa-pa-pa. If you fuck up, pick it up from there. Pa-ba-pa. Thank you. Have a great weekend. You look at your clock.

They were a minute early, dog. Right. You wrapped at 11-11. And that's how fast. You went to your room, you took your clothes off. You left it there. There was no thank you. There was no have a good weekend.

Yeah. Great to have you till the hell. Oh my God. Your scene was tremendous. Nobody says, dick. Dick, you leave there like, what the fuck? Wow. But the only thing that bails us out is our comedy experience.

That's what really at the end. I always thought bailed me out of those situations. I don't know what. I don't know if I'm just Well, you have the confidence to be yourself too and stand there and be something and make a decision You gotta make a decision

These are seasoned actors I'm an asshole I took six weeks of classes I've had a chubber And two more with that guru On fucking LaBreya I know nothing These people went to Juilliard

And they were in program They did four years of college Shakespeare And also I'm the asshole that walks in And these guys Like the people I saw on the set of Whatever I had seen

before the guy that played the head mobster i grew up on that guy on something this guy that just didn't wasn't know johnny come late i think he's still on there you follow me lee you gotta cover every fucking bass i feel you're 28 years old if you didn't learn anything from this podcast tonight my man great proofs cover every bass he plays chess he sings he dances he does stand-up he's a writer he's a dad he's a husband what the fuck you're gonna do with your life lee you got to go yeah your thing. Happy holidays. I'm just going to read two ads. Anything you need to promote? Whatever you want. Podcasts, great. Smartest man in the world on iTunes or Greg Proops.com and all my gigs are on there too. And come and join us in our fine adventures around the world.

Always a pleasure seeing you. Thanks for me on, baby. I just want to run two ads. I'm getting out of him myself. I got shit to do and people to see. Where were we, cock suckers. We talked about Tushie. We talked about, we spoke about... Am I getting up, really? Yeah, whatever you want to do. So we spoke about hello-tushy.com. Tremendous, okay? Now I got something for you that you like.

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