The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #436 - Ashley Barnhill

Episode Date: December 6, 2016

Ashley Barnhill, comedian, seen on "Maron" and "Drunk History," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.    MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY to get 2 months for free.     Recorded live on 12/05/2016.
    

The church of what's happening now is presented by On It. This show is brought to you by MVMT watches. Go to mvmtwashes.com slash church right now, and you're going to get 15% off of their amazing watches with free shipping and free returns. I have their black on black. MVMT watches start at just $95. Go to mvmtwatches.com slash church

to get 15% off with free shipping. Show is also brought to you by Helix Sleep. Helix Sleep allows you to buy mattresses online that are customized for you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. Go to helixleep.com slash Joey right now. Go there right now and get $50 off of your order. That's helixleep.com slash Joey. Helixleep.com slash Joey. So it's also brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron. Sorry.

Blue Apron sends high quality ingredients right to your door. to make fresh recipes every week. Go to check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free by going to blue apron.com slash joey. That's blue apron.com slash joey. Oh shit. Kick that mulee. It's Monday.

We've got to get the bad spirits out of this fucking office. Get this party started. Monday, December 5th, you fucking animals. You got 19 more shoplifting days. Oh shit. Kick it, Lee. Kick this meal. I want my ear.

Lobes, blown out. Churchill, what's happening now, bitches? Uncle Joey. Lee Syatt. Ashley Barnhill. Yes. Miss Jackson, if you ask her. You know what?

Oh, shit. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's a beautiful Monday or Tuesday whenever you get this. My girl, Ashley Barnhill's in studio. My main little fucking Jewish friend, Lee Syatt's in studio. Hello. Yom Kippoor's coming up. It's creeping up on you.

I think, no, I think Yom Kippur's over, just Hanukkah now. So what is Hanukkah? Hanukkah starts Christmas Eve this year. Oh shit, deep in the murky waters. This is what Jewish people have been waiting for. Why? Because as a kid, all you, you, Hanukkah's usually before Christmas, and you get all of it. It's all done, and then everyone's excited for Christmas.

Now, we start Christmas Eve, and we go for eight days of presents. We're going to get presents on New Year's Eve. We're going to start the New Year with presents. You can get your dick from me. I get eight days of presents, I thought. You can wait 10 fucking days of presents. and not get nothing. Why does it change?

That's insane. There's a different calendar. It's like a whatever calendar we're on. Trump is present. That's why fucking changed. So it's eight days from the 24th that puts you where? I think the second, right? The first of the second?

See, the traditional Cuban is from the 7th, the 18th to the 7th of January. The 7th is cash. There's the three wise men. They celebrate, you keep the tree up till the seventh, the whole fucking thing. You celebrate the 24th big time. I'm putting an order in El Cochinito. I'm going to get pork chunks. I'm getting like $100 worth of pork chunks.

I'm going to go down there in the afternoon. Get them some white rice and black beans. I'm going to do it right. Becky's going to see her parents this weekend. I'm going to give her some loot to stop in Downey and get some to Rung. A cameo, you know what that is? You know what that fucking is?

The caramel. The caramel fucking taffy shit they eat on Christmas Eve. To Rung. Oh, yeah. T-O-T-U-R-R-O. Go ahead. You got to watch Telemundo and get the advertisements. I just don't watch it. But it's been a long time since I had fucking Turo on Christmas Eve. So is it, do a lot of Spanish countries really go for Christmas Eve? Because that's the first thing I do is with Paula. Big. Big. Is that Christmas is almost even nothing to them. It's all about Christmas Eve. And Italians go for the feast of the seven fishes. Okay. Which it's fucking tremendous. Like I never really went to one until this fucking dude, this gang said, Tommy Pinesseye, when he said, come on my house for the feast of the seven fishes. Let me. me tell you something that was one of the biggest highlights of my life like for an italian to invite you over to his house for that because they don't invite you over for

Thanksgiving and the other one the Christmas Day one with the Ziti and the whole fucking thing but that's a Scylian thing the night before that's when they ate the eyeballs and fucking curse their enemies it's fucking tremendous dog you gotta be a part of that one time and they pelt's what are pelt's these fucking fish down like this big but they deep fry them so you just pick him up by the tail and go and just eat them like a fucking cannibal and they got like seven different types of fish clams you know whatever what i forget it was a long time ago he had me over two years in a row so i felt very honest it's very nice you know but some cultures that's that's

it's the night before with the Cubans they killed the pig it's a 12-hour real cubans it's a 12-hour fucking marination process and while you marinate you're boozing that's that's what it is It starts early on the 24th. So let's say the 23rd, you stay up all night with the fucking pig and you marinate them with that shit. What's that? Limong, what's that? Narangha Aga.

It's the fucking other orange, the red orange, whatever. Blood orange. Yeah, the blood orange and something else. And mojo, this garlic thing, you just keep fucking rubbing them in, rubbing them in, rubbing them in, then you've got to put it in the oven. It's a whole day process, but that's part of the fucking tradition. and you're boozing and you got Spanish music and people are dancing, people doing bumps,

somebody passes out. But that's why, because you pass out, then you wake up and you're still there, you know, so. What do you think? How does your family celebrate? We go out for Mexican food at this place called El Haro in San Antonio. Every Christmas Eve?

Yeah. It's, I think, the Mexican food restaurant in the country. A tradition? Yeah. Okay, so you guys got a tradition. Yeah. Then Christmas Day, you wake up and you stay home? Yeah.

Or, yeah, usually, hopefully my sister, can make it, but if she doesn't, then sometimes we have it the day before, the day after. Now, your mom's a big time Italian. Yeah, they're very Italian. So what are they cook on Christmas Day? Give me the fucking menu. Well, my mom, I feel like he's never really liked cooking, so she differs it to my older sister. But, yeah, like my family, Italian ones have like a meat market in San Antonio.

So usually in October, we have this huge family reunion that's like 200 people. We own this Padrati's ranch, so we all go out to this ranch and have half bar to. have spaghetti and play bingo whatever whatever I just you know when I was a kid I went to a lot of people invited me to the house on Christmas Eve you know in North Bergen a lot of people were like listen swing by and you were like ah but they really meant it swing by and they opened their house to you and you went over and you saw how they live and you're like these motherfuckers got it going on on Christmas Eve I got to come over There's some people that just go all out.

There's some people that really keep it minimal. You know, now for the first time I got a real family that I like. So I might as well fucking kick out the jams this year and go crazy, you know. Even if it's just us three, who gives a fuck, you know? Yeah, because usually it's just me, my sister, my older sister, my mom. So we don't, we don't really get into it anymore. I was always like, always a very tentious. Like, my mom, I feel like sometimes would buy gifts just to make my dad angry.

So there's always a huge fight on Christmas So now we just eat Mexican food and go We actually used to all dress up and green And go run around this like highway near my house As like some I don't know You'd always just go run You people crazy motherfuckers Yeah and then one year we didn't run

And my older sister started crying and was very upset So we don't really talk about it anymore No we just just go run My family never did that It's like there's no turkey trot on Christmas that we just Jesus Christ Get out of the house Sometimes it's like 90 in Texas too

So it's like Yeah Christmas is always Emotionally feeling Fucking run Jesus Christ actually gone hell Who the fuck runs on Christmas day People just want to get out of the house I know New Year's day those fucking fat people jump into the

fucking seals with the ice cubes and shit in Long Island don't they? The polar bands. Yeah, the polo bear. But who the fuck goes for a run? That's not a bad idea. Going for a run on Christmas Eve. Something different.

I don't have a lot of fucking great childhood memories, man. Like that type of family stuff. My mom was a little bit more off the cuff. You know, but there was one Christmas, man. Two or three Christmases in a row that were fucking tremendous. Like she had me really fucking fucked up in the head. Like all these kids, like, there's no Santa Claus. And I was like, I don't know, man.

They pulled a fucking good one on me. I didn't even see it coming. Like, I was watching them for two days. Like, you're fucking watching them. Like, even Noah who are a magician and you're watching this motherfucker, like, I got to watch this shit. I watched them, and they still fucked my world up.

I don't know how they did it until this day. And now they're dead, so I can't even fucking ask them. Like, how the fuck did you fuck my world up that day? The only way they could, because they were both with me at all times. So they gave the key to somebody else. Oh, to give your gifts. Yeah, and in those days, we lived in 205 West Adiation.

There was no fireplace. So what they did was they cooked like a Cuban meal, and they left it on the stove. And somebody actually got black beans, white rice, pork, fried bananas, and took bites out of everything. So it seemed, when I came in, he jumped out the window. And they opened up the window. And we walked in, it was cold. And my stepfather was like, let's call the police. We had a burglar.

Like, they fucked me up. They really fucking sold it, man. they didn't do a lot of good things but the fucking Christmases like they threw down Then after that once I figured it out They would just say come here What do you want for Christmas And you go I want this this this this and this

And they give it to you and that was it Sometimes they even just gave me the cash together Which is even better You know what I'm saying Which is heartbreakinging like I would never want to give somebody cash Go get yourself a gift It's weird that like it's almost turned into

I feel like a lot of people that I know Are basically just shopping for themselves That's what Black Friday and Cyber Monday Has essentially turned into I think as adults just doing their own shopping list Like my parents ask me Every year what I want And trust me, I love stuff

But I just It's gone to the point where I feel weird Asking for presents for my parents And I don't really need anything So I'm not gonna ask them for a video game I'm not six So I just bought everything I wanted on Cyber Monday Did you?

Yeah, just pretty much, yeah Just Amazon and other websites Like I think I got like $300 dollars worth of clothes it'll maybe for like 80 bucks or something weird they'll have amazing deals it's like what happened with you when you're like did you do buy yourself presents or not really don't listen have you been shopping with me it's a fast situation oh yeah it has to be I try on one pair of pants and I get three pair pants different colors that brand but I get one shirt that fits and I get six shirts

like that, sometimes I even get the same color. Like sometimes I get three of the same shirt because I don't want to go back up. The Fat Man store is up fucking Tahung, okay? And it's a painy ass to go up there where the fucking Jujitoo Club is up there. That's tough to get up there, man. You got to get off.

You know, I have a Morton steakhouse. I got three, I got like $4,000 in gift cards, and I don't go up there because they're not open for lunch and who the fuck's going to go up there after five. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. The mall up the... Yeah, I've been there.

What's the name? They got the guy they even got red robin there. In Woodland Hills, right? Woolen Hills. They're banging up there. They got red robin, dog. I don't know the last time you went to Red Robin. We got a nice burger with steak fries. You know what me and my wife were talking about? I'm going to tell you guys something to your fucking faces. You know how picky I am now? I was picky of 20 years ago. And I'm going to tell you a restaurant was fucking tremendous. You know who I gave thousands of dollars to? Who? Chili's.

And last night, my wife and I was saying I could go for Chili's and we're like, It's so fucking bad now. It's so fucking bad now. But when I moved from Colorado, when I moved to Colorado, I was at Chili's five out of seven nights. It used to be good? Oh, the fajitas, the soups,

but the best thing they got, the best thing Chili's got is a top-shelf margarita. They'll knock your fucking socks off. In 1983, they were making margaritas with quantro in those bitches. You understand me? Nobody was using fucking Quantro back that.

And they were 4.50. And I was in college at the University of Colorado. And I'd go to sell cars till nine. So me and six car sales were going to go to Chili's. And I would drink three of those fucking things, do a blast of Coke. Forget about it. You couldn't fucking stop me, John. Yeah, like I've never had.

Like, we never went to those places when I was going to chain places. Tremendous. You can't go to a Chili's now. No. Yeah, I went there a lot in high school and college. Horrid, horrid. It's cheap. Hardid.

Cheap. The food is cheap now, like the ribs look like they just... I didn't know better. I was like, ah, these chicken fingers and honey mustard. 30 years ago, we would be sitting around. You smoke a joint. What do you feel like eating? Let's go to get baby back ribs.

Last time I ate the baby back ribs from there, I almost fucking died. They were so bad. Maybe 10 years ago, there's a movie theater. And in Encino, there's one. And right next to it, there's a movie theater. And it was, I don't even know how we got on fucking chilies. I just wanted to get it out there because it had been fucking with me. No, I always thought your parents were more deeper at times.

They were those Texas Italians and shit, but... Yeah, well, they came over from Italy and then went to Mexico and then came to Texas. So they've got like this Mexican vibe too, like my family, the bowl nurse, have these Mexican spices that they sell everywhere. But yeah, I mean, my grandparents have all passed, and so we don't really see a lot of the family anymore. But yeah, Christmas, like, yeah, my mom always make sure we have tons of gifts. I brought a boyfriend home last year, but she'll put, like, promotional items she gets from work in, like, our stockings. where I typed up her resume one year and she put it in my stocking as a gift. She just wants to make sure everyone has gifts, which is interesting.

But yeah, I just remembered too. Yeah, I guess we never really liked it that much because she'd buy my dad these shirts from Walmart and she'd get on like extra, extra, extra large when he's clearly like a medium large. And my dad would always have like suits like tailor and maid and stuff. So she'd buy him these just knowing it'd like make him so mad. and just be like, what the fuck? Why did you buy this for me? I think my wife gets like I'm, she said to me the idea.

She goes, well, don't buy a punching bag because I'm thinking of getting you a punching bag. Like, I want a punching bag, but I don't want a punching bag. But if my wife gets me a punching bag, she's going to get me a fucked up punching bag. Like, I want to hang it. She's going to want to get me the braces and shit

where you have to roll it. I don't want that. It takes too much fucking space. And you're out of mercy. You're going to crack ahead on one of those beams. you know so I always like this time of the year like I don't but I do and one of the reasons who the people growing up who made my fucking Christmas is where Italian people like a bunch of them lived in the neighborhood and you go over there and they always have some

fucked up gift for you you know they always have like a red white and green Italian hat that clearly wasn't for you but they'll give it to you anyway you know so uh but we were talking about something at the beginning of the podcast. I had no fucking idea. I recently became a fan of yours. I saw you at the store, and then I got a fucking email one day. Ashley Bono, who the fuck is Ashley Bono? I know fucking Ashley Bonner.

I know what the fuck it is. And you asked outright if you could feature, and I said, yeah, I like the way you asked. Some people are just fucking idiots, and they just asked the wrong way. You just were precise and to the point. And I knew you were at the store, so I know you were at the store. So I know you're at the store. That gives you a little leverage because I know you're a Marine.

So you're one of us. So I have to help out a store. And then we worked in Austin. You were fucking phenomenal. And then you called and thanked me, which most people don't have the fucking class to do in today's economy. And you said that they headlined you.

So you got something out of it. So you got a stepping stone, which really got my dick hard because that means it wasn't in vain. You know what I'm saying? So you really, really impressed me. And I wanted to put you on the podcast because you do impress the fucking.

out of me but now you drop a fucking bombshell on me that you were a part-time hooking no that you went to fucking law school first of all you said to me that you went to UT Austin which if you're a fucking football fan or just if you're a football fan or a woman

fan you know about you T motherfucker Austin okay I mean they don't even take ugly girls at that motherfucker that's that school is fucking hot chick central everybody knows that when you go to Texas like you get to Texas like a regular first time you go to Texas you go wow these women are good

looking and then somebody will go this ain't dick wait till you go to UT Austin wait until you go to Austin and see that fucking town and you go to Austin you're like what the fuck they come from all they're all beautiful there's dirty chicks and there's clean chicks and even the chubby chicks are hot I mean it's just pure fucking heat the Mexican chicks the fucking redheads are hot it's just and I had a friend in Houston he used to take me down he went there and he went to the law schools too that's crazy so now you just dropped it on me that you also went to law school so you go to law school three years you fucking study your ass off you do mess years actually two for oh yeah now you're really a

fucking show off two fucking years and one day you go you know what I'm gonna throw this all away so I could be a fucking comic and hang out with a fat fucking dude named Joey Diaz in Austin Texas that is that what you're fucking trying to tell me Yeah, I mean, this pretty much summed me up completely. But, yeah, I went for a year, and then I kind of came here for a year and wasn't doing, like, comedy, but just worked for Children's Hospital, the TV show and stuff. And then kind of just went back to Austin, did another year. I did that show. Oh, yeah.

It's the best. The mobsters? Yeah. Yeah. Those guys are amazing. Were you working with that then? I was only in the third season. I don't think I did the second season.

Yeah. But yeah, then just went and finished year and then started doing comedy kind of that last year. And just, I mean, I really guess fell into comedy because I like writing jokes on Twitter. That's like such a lame story. But I just liked writing jokes so much. I couldn't really focus on studying law, even though I loved law school. I was really, I mean, just being surrounded by like the smartest people in the world all the time is just so interesting. And actually, my criminal defense professor is, have you done?

You watch the Jinks. Robert Durst, the guy he's, like, on trial for, like, dream murder. He has his criminal defense professor, which they're trying the case again right now. But, yeah, I mean, I loved law school. It's so interesting, but I just couldn't really not think about comedy the entire time. I mean, kind of being an attorney and being a comic is a fucking fine line, you know? Yeah. I mean, you were going to be a criminal attorney?

Is that what you were going to? I worked for an entertainment attorney for a little while, which was cool. I did some, like, cases for, like, Black Swan on, like, film financing, and he had some interesting clients. But I liked criminal defense the best, even though I think I went initially because I was interested in entrepreneurial law. Like, I wanted to start a business and be able to, like, protect it and just do everything myself.

So I was originally going to go to Cornell Law School because they had a really great entrepreneurial program there, but then decided to go to UT because Adam Dell had this, the, Michael Dell's brother, had this. great course, which is cool. Met a lot interesting people there. It was in this group where we actually started kind of business, and one of the guys, it was a part of that, was actually Russ Ulbrook,

is the guy who created Silk Road and just got life in prison without parole for creating that website, which I think during that time too, like, I mean, he was just working on this company where you sell, you know, he was donating books to schools and prisons, And I think at the time had this idea I wanted to start like a nominous marketplace where you can buy anything honestly online.

And then a few years later, that stuff happened. It was crazy. That's an expensive decision. The people you meet there are just so smart and interesting. Let me tell you some. I was having a good date that you started fucking talking just now. You had a choice between fucking Cornell

and you of Texas. Like I just want to go home and shoot my fucking self right now because this whole thing started because I caught a break in life I got to the University of Colorado right and then one day I'm in the thing and they go uh you're part of the CUOP which is Colorado Opportunity program because you're Spanish they put me in that and then then I got this thing in the mail one time and it was just an invite to this Latino association of Colorado attorneys at CUOP whatever I said what the fuck I ain't they had hors d I said, let me go down there.

You know, I lived right around the corner at that time. I went down to this party and this guy was like, listen, if you maintain this, I could get you into the law school. And I was like, come on. I mean, I just got a GED. Like I quit high school my senior year because I had to work. And I went and got my GED and I kept taking courses at Colorado Mountain College. And then when they go, listen, bro, you have too many credits.

You got to transfer. So my only option was see you Boulder at night. They were like, yeah, we'll take your fucking one. 80 credit whatever I was like I don't give a fuck I'll pay to come here they let me in and then they said something to me so now I was in college that was it and then I got in trouble and that ruined it but when I got in trouble I always loved criminal defense I always loved the legal way of being a criminal defense and the the lawyers I grew up with that had criminal defense like when I was growing up I've never met the lawyers that people call greasy it wasn't

I got divorced. Those are the worst attorneys ever I dealt with. Three attorneys got me, sunk me dry. I always tell Leah's story that when I was a kid, my mom used to be a bookmaker. So when you got in trouble in New York, you got a ticket, but when you got in trouble in Jersey, it was a fucking felony.

But they had an attorney. Like today, do you want, like anything, today a cop got let off in Charleston, South Carolina. Did you see that? It was a hung jury. Oh, man. You basically see the fucking cop shooting a guy from eight feet away or whatever the fuck. He shot him eight times.

He shot eight times, okay? A guy that Lee knew, I'm introduced him to Lee. Carmine Balzano got arrested, so shot a guy in his house seven times in the back in self-defense. Didn't go to jail. He lost his job as a cop and he kept his pension. Okay, the attorney he had was a guy named Sam DeLuca. God rest his soul, too. He might be dead, but I don't think so.

Guys like that don't fucking die. Like, Mitzie Shaw, she'll hang on until she's 184. People like that don't die. They're too fucking smart. They figured out a way out with fucking God. I'm telling you. No, yeah, that's, I think, my father right there. And I've told this thing a thousand times.

And to somebody like you, maybe you've heard this or you haven't. This guy was a brilliant attorney. And we could look him up. And like, the last time I looked at the last time I looked at, him up he was he was he was defending the monano brothers in philadelphia on a triple homicide extortion case you know and when i was a kid he handled all these bookmakers that i knew not little bookmakers like high-level bookmakers and part of the deal when you went to see him was you had to bring him a suit but you had to bring him a fucking suit okay and then i exaggerate this but when i got older

when I became my 10 or 11, part of their defense, all these Cubans' defense was that Mino Pickingly. Okay, that's that number. Whose money is that? Oh, yeah, but him, me don't pick English.

Dele police, you know, so all that defense was Mino Pekingly. Mino Pekingly, Mino Pekingly. So when all those people had children, but my mom was the only one that hit me to that world, So I would have to go to the attorney with my mom Because even though my mom knew English

She would even try to play the attorney Oh yeah, that's a guy in a type You know, oh yeah, but they know they always try to play And I remember going with her at one time Somebody made a call for drugs out of there And she was on probation for something else Lawyer Sam DeLuca, no Jersey City The old guy right there

But click it back, click it back Sammy DeLuca lawyer Sam DeLuca, Jersey City That's the motherfucker right there No, he's right there Lee, he's right in front of you The third one down Right there, John F. Kennedy Boulevard Well that motherfucker used to go like this You know, and uh

You go into his office He'd say, how you doing there was hugs He offered you a cocktail, you know He had a blonde assistant That sat in there, fake breast he was in the 70s. You know, I was a kid going, damn, Mr. DeLuque, I wouldn't say nothing.

You know, I would walk in there like an innocent kid, and I would walk in there, whoever couldn't speak English, and they'd sit me down, and they'd say, are you cool? Everybody cool? Yeah, and they'd go, I'd tell him that they caught him, obviously,

with money and paperwork, papel. You know, the guy would, he was a badass fucking dude. And he go, Papel, you know, with the numbers. And New York City, that's this and this and this much time, in Jersey is this month's time, so we have a problem.

The guy would go, I talked to the DA, you know, he's a known fucking bookmaker, no offense. I know you make good money, a good living, and I would sit there like giggling, because he'd be putting me together, and even though this guy didn't speak Spanish, this guy didn't speak English, he did speak English, but he may believe, this guy knew that he didn't speak English, but he'd play along, because he was going to get a fucking an envelope from this guy. And he would go, the good thing is, I play golf with the fucking judge, okay?

So here's the deal. You don't need to do time. You make money. Man, he goes, tell him you make dinero. Everybody wants to make dinarro. But the judge, he wants denarro too. So there's what I do. He'd go, if he doesn't want to do any time,

we give you three anios, probation. You can't get cordo, no more. But the judge wants two in a thing. Now if he could do a year in jail and then he would just spit a menu out of you If he wants to do six months in jail cost him 75,000 We could work this out. It's all up to you. I know all these people Tell him thank you for coming God blessing. Tell me call me in three days when he makes up his mind And in three days I take a ride down there with the guy with brown bag give it to him

Three weeks later. He was in court the exact deal. Everybody was in on it and he went home but everybody knew growing up that if you had cash like when i got arrested for kidnapping in colorado i called sam i go sam i got in trouble i don't know his denora's son he goes it's 10 000 for me just to get on the plane and a first class ticket and that's not even a retain i needed an advance just to get on the fucking plane i was like i guess i can't do that sam jesus but i always believed in the system you know So. Yeah, I don't know. Like, when I wanted to be an attorney, I believe.

Yeah. Lose faith in the system. Did you watch that last show on HBO? They would be discussed about the law, the killing. Oh, the making a murder. No. The night of. Oh, the night of.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What did you think of that? Did you like it? Yeah, I thought the show was kind of a little slow and lost me at some points. But overall, I really liked it. Yeah, I eat up all that stuff, like making a murder or the cheap. Jinks, staircase.

I'm a law and order dude. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm a law and order dude. No matter what town, I crave for Saturday night, because I know worst case scenario, I go back to my room and tea, I can't lose. I either got law and order or pretty women. Oh, yeah, I default to forensic files for 48 hours.

I watch all that stuff, too. Yeah. But sometimes in the road, I feel like it's too close to home. Like, if you're just like in Buffalo and watching forensic files, I'm just like, okay, well, now I'm not going to sleep for three days. But you have very interesting, man Do you regret your mood? No.

You miss it at times? When I see some of my friends And what they're making as attorneys sometimes But no, I'm just, I guess, glad I finished it I mean, I don't really know where I would be If I hadn't done that, so I don't really regret it. Good for you, man. You took a shot.

Columbus did. You did what 50,000 kids do. They go up for four years and they quit and become a plumber. Did it make you, like, did it help? you're a comedy adult? Are you a really good writer right now? Because law school is a lot of fucking writing. I think it just kind of maybe trained my brain to think more logically.

Like I think I initially really liked it too because I just started studying the L-Sat and I got obsessed with like memorizing the L-Sat and it's just like logic problems that you put together. So I think kind of those comedic brain and a logic brain kind of have a lot of crossover. So I guess so. That makes sense. I know how to take a lot of like a. And it's just like grueling and sucks your soul out. So I feel like the sarcasm and stuff that comes out of that.

It's just fitting too. Like you can't be attorney and read all those cases and stuff and not have some sort of a dark sense of humor. That makes sense. But yeah, I mean, I guess my dad was an attorney too, but he was always like, don't go, don't be a lawyer. I'm just like, I'll show you. What kind of attorney is he?

He was mostly government contract, but I think did a lot of everything. Yeah, he would just tell me crazy stories. He's had Alzheimer's like the past 10 years, so I feel like more of the stories he told me he'd get kind of more loopy as he'd tell them. I'd be like, I'm Germany, and people are shooting at me, or I got this guy off of flying all these, the coke,

and I got him off because I, or like he would be able to do it because he'd fly the plane upside down, so he couldn't detect him. I don't know. He had some crazy stories. But, yeah, and I guess he was kind of teaching me without me knowing, or you'd always say, like, yeah, I'd always, whenever, what town I'd get in, I'd rent the best caddy I could, and I'd pull up to where they can see me pulling up in my

caddy outside their office, so they know I'm, like, a hot shot. Just, yeah, some crazy stuff. I think it's a great. If I could do it all over again, I'd be a criminal attorney. author. I love the stress. I love the wear and tear. I like the bang and I know that there's always an option. You've got 10 years and then you become a partner and then you don't have to do that no more. You just sit there and give advice and help on cases. If you live those fucking 10 years with distress, I can't, I don't know. That's heavy duty. Having somebody who got caught with 45 fucking kilos of Coke, they caught it. You know, now they have the Rico, which is a motherfucker, you know, so, and now they've got a thing called cameras everywhere.

So now you're fucked, you know, you're fucked. You can't do half the shit. You could do 10 years, 20 years ago as a criminal. You can't even fucking think about it, man. Yeah, I always thought it was the most interesting, but

probably the most, like, emotionally investing, too, because it's just people's lives. No, that's it. And they give, you know, Let's pretend you have somebody like Sammy the Bull Gravano. That's a half a million dollars for your law firm cash that he's got. And you're going to get it from him. That's your mentality.

You're going to fucking get it from him. $2,000 in paper, copying fees, fucking assistant fees, electrical fees. You know, what do you do with something like that? I had a brilliant attorney, but I got in trouble, by the way. You know, when I got in trouble, I wasn't caught, red-handed. It was hearsay, and it wasn't hearsay from the victim. It was hearsay from my supposed partner.

By the time they got to my house, the house was spotless. I cleansed the house knowing they were going to come. I didn't know. As soon as I did, so I was charged with kidnapping. One, kidnapping, two. Aggravated robbery, accessory to a felony. and something else that doubled the sentence if I took it to trial. It was a mandatory state sentence.

The machine gun did not have my fingerprints on it. The doorman did or did not remember me. And the victim wasn't talking. Wow. So right away, since the other idiot got arrested first, he got a regular attorney. What do you call that? Like a public defender?

A public defender. Once I got arrested, they had to appoint me a real dude because he couldn't be in the public defender's office, okay? So I had cash. I called around. I got some cash that was owed to me. And I had a fucking plan first to get out. I stayed in there for a month, lowered my bail.

I played along with this fucking judge, this attorney, who was, he was the first, he was the first ethnic person who had graduated from CU, so they hired him. In my eyes, I felt like he was more of a token, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I knew from growing up, from watching the people in my world growing up, that you always got a guy on Stanhold and you always got a delay. There's two ways to delay. You could get delayed on your own or you could pay an attorney and go, dog, I got to stay out for 18 months because I got to see my kid graduate,

I'll throw a half a mill at you, and we'll keep you out. So I knew I didn't have the money to pay him to stall me. I had a stall on my own, which meant I had to hire and fire attorneys. Okay, so the fucking first thing I did was I went with this fucking mutt.

And the first thing this fucking moron comes to me with is nine years kidnapping two nine years straight I'm probably going to do eight and three quarters because it's a fucking second degree felony

I don't know what the fuck he's talking about I launch him New Year's Day he gets a missive New Year's Day I go into court for a preliminary hearing

he's not my attorney no more have you talked to something I know your honor I didn't know this situation until he offered me something I didn't like Mike, at the preliminary hearing, the judge says, Mr. Diaz, before you leave, can you please come into my chambers?

I go into my fucking chambers, and there's two guys waiting for me with, like, fucking photographs, and they throw them down, they go, listen, we've been watching you for six months. We knew you were with these guys. Talk to us about this, and we'll talk to the judge about this. And I go, you know what? I don't know nothing about this. This guy was a fucking pool cleaner talking to me because I knew they didn't really have me on this. I knew they didn't really have me on this.

So I contacted the head of the law school. And they said, if you want a consultation, it's like a nickel. What does he want? Seriously, I had to write a check to the fucking law school for his advice. I walked in there. I said, listen, I heard through the fucking bush that you could help me. And he goes, I got your paperwork sent over. He goes, you got a problem.

The problem is they jumped in an apartment two months. ago. I mean, this guy strategized it for me. And this dude was a white dude. Like, white, like fucking, he never ate nobody's pussy, like, never squeezed nobody's tit. Like, this guy had a bow tie on, okay? But

when I paid him that check, he became a fucking savage. The white dudes I like, like he was very, but behind closed doors, he was worse than tronters guy. He would look at me and say, shit, he'd go, first of all, the district attorney on this could suck my dick.

First time he looked at me and said that, I almost fell off my fucking chair. He goes, he's a fucking cunt. I've known him from law school. I could knock him out of the water, but you don't have the money to pay me. He goes, I'll knock this motherfucker out of the water. But he goes, he goes, I got one problem. He goes, even if I knock him out of the water, you're going to do six months. He goes, you're doing time on this.

He goes, you're either going to do six months, work release, six months, halfway house, something. You're not going to get off. Any attorney who tells you they're going to get you off, they can't get you off on this. This has to be, this was in the papers, so this has to be addressed. So I go, who should I get? And he goes, if you go in there with some fucking slick dude,

this is Boulder, Colorado. They're going to hang you. He goes, this is all a play about you. He goes, I want you to go in there with a fucking nerdy dude. And I looked at him, I go like, your cousin? And we both laugh. And he goes, my cousin's even worse than me, and he's not available.

I mean, this guy was just. saying horrible things. He was just saying shit to me, like, can you make the victim disappear? I was like, oh, my God, this, because he goes, I pulled up the victim's law sheet. He's no fucking angel. He's not going to be able to testify against you.

He cannot take the stand. He's out on, this guy got a DUI. They took him to the hospital, and while he was in the hospital, he broke into the pharmacy and stole the liquid cocaine and jumped out the window. He goes, this guy, cannot testify against you and the other guy cannot testify against you he's no angel this is your

first arrest so he goes you have to strategize this he goes go to court stall it again i stalled it i stalled it for three months and i got this white dude he record i talked to three dudes this white dude even talked funny like he spoke like i was scared at first he goes give me 15 up front and i'll get you fucking you won't do no more than six months maybe nine months You got my word. He goes, you got to play this exactly how I tell you. He goes, give me 15 and give three to the investigator. He got an investigator.

He played it perfectly. He goes, my first thing is to prove you're not inviolent. He goes, I'm not going to let you go to Gianna, violent crime. You'll rot. He goes, you're fucked up, you had a bad day. It happens, you know. There's days I bump into a machine gun, too, and I try to run. He was at least funny, and he goes, but that's the first.

thing we got to do. Once I overturn that, that's when we go to work. And he got it. And everything he told me he was going to do, he fucking did, man. This guy was just, and in court, he was amazing. But he called me the Friday before and he goes, listen, these guys didn't accept

you. BCTC didn't take you. And he goes, nobody wants you. You got one option, and that's prison. I got to go in there Monday and make him convince you, but even if I convinced them, they don't want you. So we don't have any option. And so just go in there, look the best you can.

He goes, he wants to give you six years. I'm going to try to get you three. He got me four. I couldn't be mad at him. Not for the money I fucking pay him. Everybody else was looking for 50 fucking grand for that case. This guy was a savage and shit. Did you ever, I know not on this trial,

but on any trial ever act as your own lawyer? Lee. I'm retarded, Lee. I've got some bad days and I've done some bad things. I would never raise my hand to that. Never? That's just dumb. You could just keep firing them.

Yeah, you could prolong it. Yeah, you could fire them. There's so many angles, Lee. Oh, my God, it's got so many. That's why it's so interesting to be a fucking lawyer. I also like, I like that other field where you go international and you do law like paper, money, law. Transactional All that shit

My friend did that shit He was living like This motherfucker was in Spain Making dollars Paying pesos You know what I'm saying Like they had butlers And people with bells and shit

Oh my God Yeah the money The money that gets thrown around Because I don't know about you His girlfriend just got the bar The whole fucking thing Well that's why it's interesting You came on here

Because we've been talking about this For the last month But she wants to be a prosecutor, and there's not a lot of people that want to do that, apparently. Like, more people want to do, like, entertainment and stuff, because that's where, like, the 400,000 a year is. And it's a lot of money, like, it's a lot of money to turn down to do $15 spots at the comedy store. But, Lee, what were we talking about on the phone last night, like? About doing what you love. No.

We were talking about a journey. Oh. Oh, right, right, right, right. Listen, Lee, you're there. Four or five years as a prosecutor banging out, working 90 hours a week. Yeah. You're eating shit.

You got a hemorrholy because you sit so long. And one day you see the fucking light. One day some guy from the fucking thing says, I'm opening up an entertainment thing. This is just a journey, Lee. You start off as a prosecutor and you end up as a TV judge. You know what I'm saying? This is a fucking journey, man.

Yeah. Law, whatever. You could switch your fucking thing while you're in there, right? Like, let's say you go to a firm and you're doing criminal defense and also one day you go, you know what? I don't want to do this no more. Don't put you in a different division of the fucking firm, won't that? Or you have to be specialized in that.

I think, well, you can do whatever. Contracts are fucking contracts, dog. Contracts are fucking contracts in my world. I don't know how to read them, but for fucking 400 an hour there's some lady in fucking Hollywood that would shut a contract down, Jack. So I don't know what the fuck I'm doing when I read a contract I'm like all right I'll sign and then some people like are you crazy look at that right there you know what that means I don't know what that means that's why I would never

defend myself late I mean if the people would draft I'm probably down neither yeah I worked for an entertainment attorney for a while and I'd have to draft all these contracts and I just like and no idea and he'd just be like yeah I don't know either that's fine my mom was a lawyer is a lawyer and she read every single like she read the contract when she said signed up like the CBS card. Like she like it used to embarrass me but now I'm like yeah. I'm just like it's crazy.

All this stuff we just accept and just agreed it. Especially on the computer. Like people were kind of freaking out right now because Uber apparently is like going to follow your location. Like even after the ride's over now, it's getting weird. And then what did you think about the Amazon store? Did you see that? What Amazon store? There's a it's in going to be in Seattle.

you have to, all you do is you scan your phone, the app, you walk in, you take whatever they, you want, and just walk out, and it just automatically knows what you have and charges your Amazon account. Tremendous, I don't live in Seattle. I've got a warrant up there, so I'm not worried about it. I'm not worried about it. So how long have you been doing comedy for now?

I guess, like four and a half years, maybe. And you're here? Yeah. Yeah, I did two in Austin, and then moved here, and I've been here almost, like, three years, I guess. So you took some of that fucking determination from your little law stint and your little fucking college stint and put it into this, which is what, exactly what you need.

Yeah. Just take a chance Columbus did keep getting on stage. Mm-hmm. Just can't. And that makes this journey a lot easier for you. Yeah. Because you've already banged your fucking little head against the wall for a couple of years. Yeah.

This is a fantasy. world compared to that. Yeah, it's so funny how I go to jujitsu. When I was 50 one day, I go, oh, let me try the fucking hardest thing you could do. I'm a fat fuck who has no core. Let me, wake up, gosh sucker. Let me go try what you need a core to do. And I fell in love with it, and I kept going.

But what made me keep going was what I had gone through with comedy. If I hadn't gone through with comedy, I would have walked out of it. I would have gone, this is never going to work. But I remember all the years. of putting together bullshit and you know what I always tell people. They just keep showing up. Just keep showing up. Something good is going to happen eventually.

If you do three spots a fucking night, something's going to happen. If you want to be a good roofer and you get a full-time job roof and then a part-time on the weekends, after two years, you're going to be a good fucking roofer because you put your time in, you know. It's that simple. If you want to be a good musician, you got to put you, you know, it's the same across the board. It's just so many people look at it and look at it so distant. Like when I say to you, you know, you've got to be, it takes eight years to be a good comic. You look at it and go eight fucking years or it takes six years or two years.

You look at it as so long, but then you do it and you're like, that was nothing. And if I didn't do it, I'd be eating dick, what would I be doing now? If I, the more I procrastinated doing it, you know, it's a very special thing to fucking try this. stuff. Lee, what's Tony Bennett? You're just going to sit there? You've been sitting there like a good good. It's all night and shit. You eat five stars. Did you eat two more?

I only hit the first five. We can have two more. You've got these poor things in front of this girl making a look for it. That doesn't matter with you. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks

your heart. Some, some Somebody twice as smart as I A somebody. I'm doing, you're all right? You eat a pot cookie or something before you come here? You get secondhand smoke or something? I was telling Lee yesterday all saw how comedy shot.

Listen, man, I'm surprised to still be doing this, Ashley. Like, in my world, if you know anything about me, I'm surprised to still be doing this stuff. So it's been 25 years and I still fucking learn, you know. And it's so weird how when I first got to the comedy store, the rumor at the comedy store, people always come up and they go, have you played Houston yet? And you go like, no, why?

And they go, that guy's looking for feature acts, you know? And at this time, you were at the comedy store, which made you have played some clubs, you know. But in those days, Houston, like Austin was a great club. club. Yeah. But it wasn't like Houston. And, you know, he'd fuck with you. The guy's name was Mark Babbitt. He'd fuck with you in those days. Even though you'd walk in there with Margaret Cho, you know, he'd go, no, I need tape on her and shit. And he would never watch the tape. Yeah. You'd go to people's office in those days and sitting behind them as they were writing you a check

with just thousands of VHS tapes with dust on them. You know, they're not going to watch the eye, watch him at night. No, you fucking don't, you know? So, Freddie Soto, God rest of the soul, came up to him, and they goes, hey, man, I was talking to Mark Babbitt. He wants you to work the club, but he wants to see a tape. I'm like, I'm not fucking sending him a tape. I'm a regular at the store, dog. You know what I'm saying?

I'm doing comedy six years. What's he going to pay me? He just tell him to fucking make me a rat. He wouldn't do it. We held out. And finally I sent him a blank tape. And he called me back two days later. He goes, you're hired.

It was a great tape. I go, oh, my God, this is such a fucking bullshit tape thing. That's why I never sent tapes. That's why, even if I lived in L.A., and they call me, we need to see a tape. Comedy store, 1045 tonight. Come on down. What are you talking about?

Why would I send you a tape? You could write me off? I'm right here. How lazy are you, you know? So, I got to tell you something, man. Like, I had done comedy in Seattle. I had done comedy at that time. not really Vegas.

I had done Seattle, Oregon, Harvey's. I'd done the Comedy Underground, which was a great club. Comedy Works, great club. But there was nothing in those days, like Houston. And it wasn't just the audience.

It was what happened when you got off stage. They had 20 fucking feature X, and one was better than the other, Ashley. It was fucking hell. And on Monday nights, they'd have an open mic, and there'd be 250 people there and started at seven,

and it went till two. That's how many comedians they had in Houston those days. But from 7 to 11, it was fucking Dave Attell and Nick DePaulo and, you know, whoever was in Austin would drive to Houston. So it was just this fucking scene. So when you went to Houston, you had to have a new five minutes. Your shit had to be tight. You couldn't just fuck around because all the comics were staying in the back and fucking watch you.

So on top of that, they were having their own duel because Monday nights, And Tuesdays was their night to drink. And because the rest of the week, they weren't getting spots at that club. That club was the hottest club in the fucking state at that time. And, you know, then the club went out of business. But it was like Doug Stanhold, Joe Rogan, Mitch Hedberg taped suit, two CDs there. Like, it was the hot place to tape CDs. It just had this whole, it was crazy.

Monday nights and half the ball, half the open micers were Austin kids. and half of them weren't Houston kids and they'd be drinking and fucking you had a watch who was on stage who had everybody had a new material that was the buzz about Houston all those open micers on Monday night Sean Rouse you know Sean Rouse

He just taped at that place So we did the festival Oh wow oh good man Yeah last week like all those people It was just a scene But he lost the club And then the guy was a fucking racist And he lost the club

And the whole scene went under Now it's divided you know and it's etched in my memory. Now that city is Portland, Oregon. That helium club where I was this, this is my third or fourth time up there. And I've just seen it get better and better and better. And it's not just the comedians.

Like everybody I've worked with there is always great. Like the feature actors always sell. This week I had Felicia Michaels, but I had the kid, his last name was like Silverstein, but it was Silberstein. Would it be? He was a Russian Jew or something.

So, yeah, it's terrible. You like all this shit. But I just sat there the one night, and I went around. All the shows are always sold out. You know, Saturday early always sells out, even if it's a fucking magician. That tells you they have a thing up there,

secret show on Wednesdays, where they don't tell you where the headliner is. It sells out every Wednesday. That's phenomenal. They don't know who the headliner is, and they still show up. That's how you know the town loves, comedy. Yeah, I feel like Austin's kind of like that.

Philly's doing it. Austin's doing it. You know, Austin has always been there. Austin's always been a phenomenal scene. You know, I've done some sick shit in Austin. Me too. Margie knows. Margie knows. Margie knows. I did some dirty things in that club way back in the day and shit. Because that was the continuation. You did the lap stop till Sunday. Mark Babit would give you the hotel room one more night. That kept you in there until Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning you slept on somebody's couch. Wednesday you shot to Austin for the open mic.

What? What? Stop the chewis. Get some fucking food. We'd all stay at that double tree. We'd talk margin to giving us all, come on, Marge. March, come on, $44. What the fuck?

She put you up in the roller hotel room, and then you had that to a Wednesday morning. It's Thursday morning. You had a hotel to lay checkout, and then you had to do whatever you had to do, you know what I'm saying? That's the part I love That's yeah I feel like I've been kind of most surprised by that

By how much I love the road And just doing clubs Even though I usually lose money Featuring or I don't really headline them That often yet Still just like colleges and Every so often

But how much I love the clubs And how much you build there Has been I mean What really keeps me in it Right now You're going to have the most fun Ever doing comedy

The next five years of your life I'm going to be a blast And you know what, man, if you I mean, I can't lie to you, if you cut some corners, there is a tiny little profit, but as long as you know, there's no profit and that the colleges keep you alive

in between that, and you could crash on somebody's floor, and, you know, it makes it a lot easier. I mean, it's tough to be a feature act today. Oh, yeah. But at the same time, fun. Yeah. I mean, I've been spoiled, too, like gone out with Marin and Chappelle.

But I'm really doing those tight 30-minute sets at clubs is getting different audiences in different cities and just seeing what they react to and how some are just dog shit, but some, you know, it might be El Paso, but the audiences are amazing. You know, it might be Kansas City. Yeah. You don't fucking no dick.

And it's like, oh, I love doing shows in El Paso. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love doing shows in Buffalo. I'll never go back to Boston again. You know, you do get that. Oh, my God. I hate San Francisco. Do you really?

I just every time there it's like pooling teeth. It's just so much work. Let me tell you something. That used to be a death sentence for Uncle Joey, opening up for Rogan at Cobbs. Cubs, listen, a couple of years ago, I went to Cobbs. First four out of five shows. Death with Ari. Death, death.

Saturday, I went out of my show. and I was who I was supposed to be because I started playing to them because they come in with their glasses but you got to do the punchline so I just eliminated it because once you get older they tell you do the punchline but then the agents

will go there's no money at the punchline I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck it's such a good fucking room the hotel is great next door to the hotel they have a bar when you do the San Francisco punchline have you ever done it? I've done guest spots okay across the street

to get the hotel's right across the street people like Greg Proop's stay at the really good hotel I stay at the shitty hotel but it's still a good hotel next to the hotel there's a bar they have a chieopino in that fucking bar that would make your earlobes fucking pop you understand me they give you a big chunk of lobster with a big piece of fish and these fucking prawns with a big piece of fucking Italian bread and a big piece of fucking butter and you just dip that motherfucker as you're ripping that fucking seafood you eat seafood oh yeah okay no you're looking at me you don't like say for you know I'm just like now I'm going back oh no no no no no you have no fuck right there just the chio pina I don't know I don't go in then go Joey I had the

pizza I didn't tell you to fucking eat the pizza I told me they ate the chieopina that's something Lee would do handy of wrugal a salad it wasn't that good I didn't talk to you about the rugal and salad I talked to me about the chopina I don't know nothing about the rugal salad in that motherfucker I know the food is good in that city I went I thought I was Johnny hot shit I was a regular at the comedy store you know set up my value, and creative entertainment was out in those days. Creative entertainment booked the South.

All the way to the Bahamas, 500 a week for two weeks. You basically starve, but they would say, hey, you're in the Bahamas. Even the headliner would get the small nickel. Nobody made money to the Bahamas trip, but they had, and if you cursed, they got you off there on a fucking helicopter.

But they tell you, before you went down there, you know, the room is clean, right? you know, you know how you go down and then start throwing fucks and they live with it because they like it. No, the first time you said fuck, the sound would go off and they would pull a Lee in Vegas. Two little behaviors would come up to the States. They'd escort you to your room. They'd pack for you and shit. They'd handcuff you while they'd pack for you.

And you heard the helicopter. They walked you down to the helicopter. Before the helicopter, they'd punch you in the stomach so you wouldn't get sick. They'd put you in a helicopter in your back, whatever hellhole you're from. but they booked everything like they booked shit rooms they booked so what I were doing those days actually is if I did four one-nighters fuck it what's the local comedy club it's the Atlanta punchline all right let's call them up hello let me talk to the fucking manager who's this Joey D is from where the comedy

store club put them on the fucking phone all right who's this who's this who's this this is Pete Joe D is here listen I'm gonna do a thing for creative do you mind if I coming and do a Sunday. This is exactly how I spoke to them, Ashley, because I would always get fucked in the ass. So I would go, listen, man, I'm coming in Sunday. I'd like to do a six-minute guest bar. Are you going to be there? Yes, I am. Do you book the club? Yes, I do. I don't want those stories when I get off the stage. When I get off the stage, I want to make sure I have a week there. Is this going to happen? That's how much of a sat. And they go, yeah. And I get there, do well, oh, I eat dick. And I went to like, I pulled two clubs. I, I pulled two clubs.

like that. I pulled, uh, there was something, comedy, something, and Bethesda, Maryland at the time.

And then there was a wise cracker as in a hotel. And, uh, right outside of D.C. It's when you go to, it's really Virginia. Something Virginia. Excuse me.

And then, so I went to the club local there. I forget what the fuck it. It was the old D.C. improv. Why? Somebody didn't throw salt and pepper shaker on me. It was beyond me,

dog. But then I went to two other clubs. I did okay. They didn't book me. But then I was going to the Atlanta Puts line. And I had just done like five nights, did great.

Oh my God, I went in there and fucking died. I never went back to Atlanta. Oh, really? Never went back. I just went back like after 14 years. Oh, wow. Laughing school.

Yeah, in Nashville too. I ate dick in Nashville. But I didn't feel bad because Doug Stano paid dick after me. We both had them for 11 minutes, and they realized, they Christians. Do you follow me? That was fucking 15

years ago. I didn't go back to Natchezer. Even with Rogan. Rogan was going back to Nashville. I'm like, dog, I took such a beating in Nashville one night. I will never fucking go back. And then they talked me into it. No, I like it. I really like Nashville. They'll take a rye with you. Where else did I eat dick? In those days, I was like a

50-50, dude. So you would go into like great rooms. I kicked ass at the Green Bay, Funny Bone. I fucked them up at the Indianapolis. Michiwaka used to have a funny bone in those days it's on the Indiana Michigan border and that's where Notre Dame is and shit they used to have a funny bone I called those motherfuckers on a Sunday night and I lit that room on flames do you understand me they had never seen like Uncle Joey in those days they were getting Southern acts and shit so that dude goes listen

you're a little too heavy for this room but I got a room I got a room for you that's gonna rock your world there was he put me at the Green Bay funny bone and he goes I only pay 500 I'm gonna give you a seven I'll give you eight if you torment his headliner and he gave me eight hundred dollars to feature and I went up there in the headline I couldn't follow me and he was just you know I was at the comedy store following Paul Mooney oh wow and I had balls of steel was either Paul Mooney or dice or Rogan it was always a fucking nightmare for a year for two years my first two years at the comedy store was domerrera that would just bury me and this black

dude with dreads with initials i loved him with all my heart but every time i look at that lineup and i'd see he was on before me i go jesus fucking christ when is the horror going to end when am i going to get a break i would follow these torture chambers but when i leave there it made me a fucking killer from manila dog i was meant to break you and then you can stick it out i was going into these rooms like I would go into the economy store. You know, when you jump out in the comedy store, your first three minutes, it better be fucking crack-a-lackin

on a fucking Thursday night, especially after you follow heat. So I was jumping like that in Indianapolis. In those days, I didn't do it in Indianapolis. I was doing those hidden cities in Indiana and shit. But I always remember that for the rest of my fucking life. I remember I did Chattanooga. I ate a bag of dick stater.

Anything in the same. Southern Bible Belt. I wasn't good enough to control myself in front. I would lose my cool after 15 minutes of dying. You'd do well for seven or eight minutes. In those days,

if I saw somebody with white hair, that was the end of my set. I wasn't mentally prepared for that type of shit where I, now I could steam roll through that shit. You're just not experienced enough at the time. It's funny. Becky's a purple belt with

template, a really good jujitsu. And I was explaining to somebody in 1995, 1997. What was the fucking president of Israel got shot? Abeeb, Rabin, in 1997. And I wrote a stupid joke about the thing.

But only two people laughed. Me and Josh Wolf thought the joke was hysterical in 1997. You were right, Rabin. Rabin. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? All right. When I write a joke, I don't forget Dick. He got assassinated.

Did he not? He got assassinated. Yes, in 95 of November. And I wrote a joke that said, listen, President Rabin got assassinated today, President of Israel. He got assassinated today. And I forget how I worded the fucking stupid thing. And I said something like,

I would expect he got shot by a Jew. $40 is $40. Something stupid that nobody would laugh. Nobody. It just kept dying. and then it became a joke amongst the comics. Like, let's see, this joke lies. Like, we were that type.

We had that type of connection. And I would hear somebody laugh because it would bomb again. And finally, I let it go. And three years later, I brought it up at the comedy store and it killed. Oh, man. And I figured out that. Because you were doing them in those rooms. No, I wasn't ready for that joke.

I wasn't saying the joke with enough confidence. I wasn't prepared. I wrote a joke way before my time. Way before, this joke is a good joke. But right now, something's missing. This joke has to flow into something. This joke, and you'll see, it'll come to and you go, ah, now I know.

In Jiu-Jitsu, sometimes somebody, Matt Baker taught me a great move where you're going for a Camaro, but that arm pops up, and I spin around, and I roll them over. It's like stealing. And you get it, the arm pops up, You get the wrist and you can more on him. His head is between your fucking legs.

So you got him trapped. He can't move his body. You've got his right arm cranking it back. For months, I wouldn't try that at all. But then some other guy taught me pressure passing, and now I could actually roll him up, keep him there, and just fuck with him a little bit. So I wasn't ready when I learned it.

Now, after a few months of experience, I saw it. And that's what happened. It's the same thing with comedy. Sometimes you write a joke ahead of your time. Where have you taken beatings? What cities? Yeah, San Francisco, I feel like it's always... Always gave me a beating for years.

I would just go up there. But I went there because I had good clam chowder at the hotel. Because Rogan stayed at the best hotel. They had red clam chowder that wasn't red. It was creamy red chowder, but they put like red something. Fucking tremendous. The hotel was shaped like a ship right on fisherman dwarf. You slept in like a fucking barnacle room.

You think I'm kidding you. The ruins of painting in the ocean. It's still there. I forget the fucking name of the hotel. You got to pay for it, though. Like the punchline will go, we'll give you this much for a hotel. But it's like an extra 200. Joe would pay for me, Ari, Duncan, Tate, and Eddie Bravo.

And we'd all go up there for the weekend. All of us in the same fucking hotel. And we do Thursday through Sunday at Cops. One of the few places I've stayed in a drive-in motel. And I would die every show. Every show I would die. And then I would die and I was starting to just, like once you start bombing so bad,

you're starting insulting them in a way. Oh, yeah. Which makes you look even worse. I go there pretty fast. Yeah, that's what I would do. That's what I would do. You pussy. Yeah, I would just start insulting them

and then I didn't even matter. For years, I go, I'm never going to do cops. I'll never go back up there. Then I started headlining it and I realized it. You gotta jump on those motherfuckers. If not, they physically abuse you. It's like that step-uncle that fucking torment you. Tell you you you're not good enough.

That was the first place, too. I mentioned I'd from L.A. And they just started booing. And I was just like, I had no idea there was, like, hate between San Francisco and L.A. Yeah, San Francisco. I've done a few colleges in Florida that I've never really enjoyed it. Oh, I took some beatings in Florida.

I took a beat. Jacksonville for five nights in those days. That's when you flew it on Tuesday and worked until Sunday. By Thursday, you were emotionally scarred, but you stayed on Friday because that's all you can eat seafood bar on Friday and Saturday. Eat all the crabbed legs you can want. Oh, my God. You think I'm fucking kidding you?

If you think I'm kidding you, I swear to God, Jimmy Schubert had a cancel. So I was at the, he got a movie like on a Monday afternoon, and they didn't have anybody else. And those days, they had cheap tickets by the airport. So you booked the ticket and then you went by the airport, cut her right, got the ticket, and then went into the airport and took your flight. It was like 150 bucks to go to Jacksonville. At the time, again, I'm a feature act.

Maybe. I'm doing 25 minutes. They go, can you do 45? Fuck. Standing on my head. You know what I was that? Oh, I went down there and took a six-night fucking beaten. So many nights.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then two on Friday and two on Saturday. And then the zinger was Sunday. Oh, my God. By this time, you're turning green from doing jokes. You understand me? By Saturday night, you want to fucking shoot yourself the second. You're on stage sober thinking that I do this joke already because you've done so many fucking shows.

And there was a time, assy day, you remember, if you're from Austin, they used to remember, if you're from Austin they used to do three shows mm-hmm no no that shit went away quick because comics started saying no but there's still some comics like Lavel Crawford those motherfuckers do three show Saturdays that's wow that coop flew for me years ago that's a horrible fucking show oh I think I don't miss that you know who used to do that Miami and that was torture because everybody wants to buy you a drink in Miami. But the third show, and they would always start late.

So that meant it was supposed to start at midnight, so it would start a fucking one in the morning. But the time you get up there, they're sizzled. They're sizzled. They're just, you're just talking to a fucking wall. I guess everybody finally figured out and said, no more midnight shows. That sucked.

I can't even imagine. Yeah, I think it spent six nights in, like, El Paso. earlier this year. But like the audiences were great, so it made up for El Paso just... Let me tell you something, man. That was where I cut my comedy. Oh, really? Wow.

Listen, in those days, who do you think accepted me? I was crazier back then. So, L.A., I was a regular at the store, and I didn't do fucking Vegas. I did Reno. I did Frisco with Rogan. There was no helium in Portland.

I had a war in Seattle. And Texas was the spot. If you had any brains, you could go to Texas, move to a center city and work year-round. If you're very intelligent, you could pull that off in Texas for two or three years and cut your teeth really good, put away some money, and just drive. Because from one side of Texas to the other side, how long in the car? I mean, yeah, Dallas is like four hours, Houston's four hours. No, no, no, but I'm talking from one tip to the other.

It's like 18 hours. Texas so there's a lot of I don't know there's a lot of fucking meat to cover there's a lot of fucking meat to cover in Texas but in those days like when I did comedy and in the late 90s there was corpus corpus always had a room it was drug dealer so it went year to year corpus and then the other side by el paso but up more odessa and midland panhandle wow midland had a drug drug room too. Mexicans with belt buckles.

The MC was fucked up all the time. They paid you with Coke on Friday and Saturday. One night we were down and the club got rated while the comedian was on stage. Yeah, those club rooms were always shady, but they're always available for a year. And then another one popped open. Then the comedian from that place, his uncle had money. So Texas always had, so you always had Austin. You always had San Antonio.

That's been there since Jesus list Chicago. Houston was always there. There was always two or three rooms in Houston going at once. Yeah, Houston and Dallas. Okay, Dallas. Addison's been there since Jesus-Less Chicago. Plus, they got those other ones. They've been there forever.

What's the other ones in Texas? They got them in Fort Worth. It's a funny bone. No, no, no, no, no, no. Chalels. Hyenas? Hyenas. They've been there since fucking, I was a feature act.

Then you had Opasso, and you had, just all these little but I moved to LA and one day I was doing a fucking one night and somebody came up to me and said dog you want to MC in El Paso I booked the MCs it's 300 for the week and you've got a place to stay

300 you couldn't get a plane ticket so you had to rent the car and drive but fuck that there was a bus that took you from downtown you got on 11 o'clock at night and you got to El Paso one in the afternoon and it was a fucking nightmare But in those days, he'd give you $5.50.

And it was on the other side of town, on the west side or some shit. This club that you went to is new. Yeah, it was right next to Juarez. Like, I literally was just at my hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is right. This is on the other side of town. He had a great club. That was one of the greatest clubs in the fucking top notch.

Packed. Packed. Yeah, it was packed. Tuesday to Sunday. They're out every fucking night. don't give a fuck they're out no passo dog some of them got there was two or three rooms in opassano yeah there's nothing else to do no there was a comedy war for a while opaso if you worked one room you couldn't work the other one but that guy in those days used to say listen man i like you you

want to come down here every four or five weeks so i would cut my tea i just took a bus 600 i party all week i ate good food you know in those days it was great food Texas was very good to me, man, in the beginning. Texas is always because the crowds at least took a ride with you. You know, and they're all crazy rednecks, you know. Very few times I bombed fucking Texas. Yeah, I still go back there a lot now. From Beaumont.

I used to do Beaumont with that kid. You saw that kid that you met there at the Houston Festival, Slade Am. Slade used to have, before Slade, there was a black, tremendous black couple. that had a room in a hotel right when you got off Houston into Boma and that's how that whole thing started. Slade. The real Texas.

Slade was the bartender there. When they closed the club, Slade reopened it. It got big again. He moved it. He got into a big building. And then Slade and the radio DJ went in together, his partners.

The guy talked about it every day on the radio. Are you fucking kidding? Perfect. Beaumont, Texas. What do you think they're doing, Boeh, you think it's a land of enchantment? There ain't nothing to do in Beaumont, but hate people and fucking eat. That's it.

I remember one of my favorite all time when I get there one day writing this fucking book completely like this page, I was all whacked up in Beaumont one day. And Slade has a brother who I have to say this phrase or people will not get it. You know, you can't imagine this. Slade's brother. You see how Slade's handsome and shit, like that nice kid very well. his brother's a Wigger in those days. That was a rapper in Beaumont, Texas. No, no, no.

You can't even, you know what I'm saying? That's like being a Jew league and fucking, just tell me where they hate Jews. That's like being a Jew there. Like where, what's his name is Palestine. That's like you being a fucking DJ in Palestine. Like, they're going to eventually shoot you, you know? Like, it was just...

I just love that a wigger is a universal term. I didn't know that. No, but let me correct it. In 1990, in 1999 or 2000, that's what he was. Even Slate would go, how do you talk to my brother? He's crazy. But he was in charge of the music at the club. So he would throw rap music and shit.

And then on certain events, he would rap, him and his crew would rap and shit. He had one black guy in between the feature act in Beaumont. In Beaumont. This was a tremendous club. Plus, there was an endless flow of drugs in this place. Was the rapper's crew running the drugs? No, he would come in like on Saturdays.

He would come in bop them with like two other black dudes. Everybody was broke. And they're talking about demos and shit. But I took a liking to him. You know, I could give him 30 bucks and go go get me weed. He can get me a bag of weed and come back. And I'd give him a joint and ten bucks. I love him.

I got to tell you something, I really loved them. I went to Houston and Beaumont so much in those days. I kind of, so I would call him ahead of them. I'm listening, just get me an A. And I get to Beaumont. He'd have a package one fucking weekend, you know, he didn't have it. He goes, I can't get it for a couple days and shit. So he gave me a bunch of pills.

That's a complete different story. But once he, after he got me the pills, he called me. He goes, I got it for you. So he went, he got it for me, and I did it all. And then I called them back. I'm fucking lit. Now, at this point in my life, at this point in my addiction, I had a fucking rule. That once I went in the house with that package, I was not leaving the house.

So when I would go in the house at night, I had everything I needed. If I was only going to smoke one pack of cigarettes, I'd buy three. If I was going to drink one bottle of water, I'd buy eight of them. Like, I bought everything in excess, so I wouldn't have to leave. paranoid lighters rolling papers I had everything I had a checklessly I was a fucking I was a fucking organized fucking cocaine abuser it is a lot of forethought oh my God and I would not leave that's how I quit smoking cigarettes I got an eight ball and locked myself in the house I refused to leave the house to get

cigarettes that's how you know you're gonna quit and stick to it because once you could do that you could do anything So I fucking called him at 4 in the morning. I was out of my mind. What, Lee? I just want to confirm what I heard. You quit cigarette smoking with Coke. Yep.

Okay. Yep. Yep. That's how I forced myself to do it. That needs to be its own book. Because, listen, I knew that I would not leave the fucking house regardless. I knew. I knew.

When I would get that Coke that, there was no way I was getting behind a wheel. and there was no way I was walking because there was cops everywhere following me in bad spirits and shit so I didn't leave my fucking room in those days so how did you keep getting more coke then I would call it delivery and I would walk downstairs real quick

and at first there was a lady in my building that knew I was a fiend she was black but African and she would say voodoo words to me in the middle of this is crazy shit you think I'm kidding you she moved but her nephew of me are still friends.

He even went to my wedding. He's got a Japanese wife with three kids and shit. You think I'm kidding, you, Doug. The nephew of the woman who used to voodoo you went to your wedding. No, no, the nephew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gee's his name. But when I moved in the building with my wife, I wasn't married to my wife.

My wife, I would come home at night late from doing comedy. So sometimes I would go home at 11, go upstairs, and I already have a package. And at 3, I'd come down. And my buddy would come by with a motorcycle and I'd run out and give him a DVD with 50 bucks And he'd give me the fucking Coke and I'd run upstairs and as I was walking back upstairs She'd be out with a house coat She would hear me and she go I got about that she talked to me in Africa and shit Like I didn't need it that when I'm coked up and I would just run upstairs and lock the door

Then two days later I go gee what's wrong we had and he goes I don't listen to what she's crazy But I know she was doing voodoo to me so What's up, Lee? Let me give some shout out to you. You got a spot tonight, anything? I'm going to go see Chappelle. Where's he at? Blind Barber.

Right now over here in... Culver City. Oh, Culver City. Look at you. That's a deep, deep lie. Angela Cris, I love you. Joe D. Thank you for the book of albums.

I want to give Cobra Cast a podcast a fucking shout out with Bobby Sharon, Jamie Stanley, Lorne Rosenker, Jeremy Varela My main man D in Colorado Bob Strassma And John Johnson and Crystal Oaks

You fucking savage and shit Anyway What else is going on You shooting any movies? What are you doing? Yeah, I'm shooting a short in Austin I think next month I raise some money to do it

So I'm really excited about it You went on like PayPal or something What are you doing? The legal partners of Trump or something What did you do? I saw Tony Hinscliffe talking to you one day on Twitter about something, a movie. You fund it or something. Yeah, it was a Kickstarter, which I'm just so excited and not have to post about anymore.

But, yeah, it's this anthology series I've been writing for like two years. And this is just kind of like this little comedy horror story about a couple that kills a homeless guy. And they're going through infidelity issues. and they decide to bury the homeless guy and do that. She kind of decides if she can trust him with her life or not. I don't want to give too much away. No, no, no. I don't say nothing because a lot of jokes are up.

I haven't shown anything in a couple years, so I'm really excited to do this again. You know, I go to the comedy store. I lurk down there and stuff, and I watch people, you know, and sometimes you get really stoned and go sit in the back, and you fucking learn a lot. You go there early and stuff. And I love it.

I love it. It's just a fucking painy ass at the store, you know? But that week in Austin, I'm watching you from the back, you know, and I'm like, she's tiny, you know, she comes from a nice family. It's not like, you know, she's a runaway or something. You know, for a long time you work with a feature chick. She got a fucking story. She's drinking.

By the third night, they're naked with the fucking, there's always something, you know. But you were completely the opposite, and I couldn't figure out. She's just a fucking one of these, you know, You're organized. I knew you went, your girlfriends came to one night. So I knew you went to school somewhere. Yeah, yeah. They looked like UT Little, but they were all married now.

You said something like that. They got kids and shit there. They go home. Yeah, they did. They have their shit together there. But, yeah, I didn't have been a cap scene in a while, so it was nice to do that. I knew I was going to be in town then. So I just reached out to Rich, and he was like, well, Joey's headlining that weekend if you want to do it, ask him.

And so I did. And then, yeah, and then Sunday, they just text me like, oh, you want to. a headline and I was like that was huge because it's my home club so and then off so that I think some guy who came to that headlining show I did sat in the front row and I made fun him a little bit because I was just like what do you do and he's just like oh I'm rich and uh I think he gave me like 3,500 bucks on that Kickstarter so that's kind of like why I'm going to be able to shoot this thing now it's so crazy how that just that crazy stuff happens good for you man now uh I admire you that It's tough.

It's a tough fucking racket. And now I admire you more because now I know where you got the balls from. You figured if I could do law school, I could fucking be a Walenda. You know what I'm saying? At this point in my life, I know if I did law school and graduated and didn't take the fucking thing, and didn't take the, it gives you like this weird empowerment. Yeah. It really does.

To do something, commit to something, really think you're going to do it. Because let me tell you something. Most people wouldn't have done what you'd done. And would have taken the journey, married another attorney, had three kids, and then one day wake up with their 42 and go, what the fuck happened? I drank the fucking ether. I drank the serum, man.

This is not what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a fucking Walenda. I want to be a kid. What's that movie that's with Tom Hanks? That's the movie that really got me into stand-up. Once I saw that, it made me pick up the fucking. fucking, uh,

this is a movie called some, Tom Hanks and, uh, the flying nun, Sally Struthers. And they, you never seen that movie? That's her story.

I don't think I have. Tom, Sally Struthers or Tully Fields? Sally Field. Come on. Punchline. There you go. Punchline is about Sally Fields.

Is married and she got two kids. But one day she's like, this sucks. Oh. This sucks. So she hangs out. She's an open mic with Damon Wayans and Angel Salazar. Oh, my God.

It's a really, really, like, cool movie. And the hot comic is Tom Hanks. So she makes Tom Hanks write jokes for her. Or she wants to write for Tom Hanks, and then Tom Hanks, she falls in love with Tom Hanks, but they don't really do anything. Lila! That's her name, Lila.

And then Lila does the open mic contest and fucking wins. The open mic. Yeah, she does the open mic. Wednesday night and a Hollywood scout is there and shit. Oh, that's how it happens. Pretty, pretty, no, but it's just a... That's really cute. Listen, Ben, I was, I had a nice family.

It was starting. It wasn't as nice as this one. It wasn't a nicest situation, but I had good support. I had paid my duty to society, you know. I was roofing, I was trying to strive, you know, I was putting away money. I bought a car, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I just wasn't feeling it, man. I just really wasn't through it.

And I'm like, this is it. This is it. This is what you're fucking telling me. I'm 28 years old and this is it. This is never, when I'm 65, this is it. I get Social Security and I got a fucking watch and then I just die. What did I do? I bought a company and that's not what I wanted to do.

I want to do something. And I thought about stand-up, and I watched that movie, and then I saw this newspaper article, and I said, fuck it, let me give me a shot. And it took me like a half a year, dog. I was a pussy. I would schedule and then cancel, and then schedule and cancel,

schedule and cancel. But I just knew once I got on stage, my life wasn't going to be the same again. Like I said, I think this is what I want to do, and I'll take the chances. Because if I got to go just get a day job and take my life like that, I'm going to kill myself.

I'm going to end up in prison. I knew it. I knew it. I go, if I'm going to end up happy, I'd rather be broke. But at that age, I figured out I was not going to fucking buy stocks and bonds. I was not going to make a million-dollar drug deal on the street. I figured it out.

And I go, I'm going to have to take my lumps. I might as well do what the fuck I really, really want to do, you know. So I respect what the fuck you did, man. Thanks. Well, yeah. I do there was a reason why I like you. You're cool as shit. and you're putting the work in there

and you know you got a good attitude and you're a good you stay in touch you know I thought of you when I saw your name on the list I go fuck it while she's there let her work with me again she was great you know thanks so we did the Houston thing

and they were a tough crowd dog and I was watching you oh my God Houston was no fucking picnic my friend it was raining it was raining wasn't it raining they think they'd feel like they'd been there like a few hours When I walked in, I saw him standing up.

Oh, yeah. That's rule number one. That's rule number one. You ever stand up on a show? Oh, yeah. Give your feet 25 minutes and try to hold your attention. Just your hips are telling your brain. This is bullshit.

This guy's not even funny. It's impossible. Your hips talk your fucking brain out of this guy being, even having a chance. Because it sucks. You have to be sitting to watch comedy To do anything like that You know, you go to, I think back now Even at concert sometimes

It was great jumping up and down But sit the fuck down Yeah Give me a place where I just want to sit down And smoke reef for your shit Yeah What do you think? What is this?

You're just gonna eat five stars And pass out on me again No, I'm passing out at all. Eat two more stars Let's get this party star Let's do it It's fucking Monday night I gotta go to the doctor

At 845 I've never gone to a stand-up comedy show. Like a show where I had to stand. It seems like it would be terrible. It's impossible to pay attention. It's impossible. Look at that star. What's that?

Where's the other? Look at that little star landed late. You think that's coincidence? That's the star. Oh, my God. So what are your future hours? What do you want to do, dog, in the next? couple years.

Yeah, I keep grinding it out on stand-up. Yeah, I like writing, directing, so shooting some more shorts and I'm going to shoot this one and maybe try to turn it into like an anthology feature, like do the festival route with it and see if I can get more money and make and then make a few more shorts for that and put it all together.

I got a lot of respect for you, man. You're a tough little fucking tank. That's why you're here. Everyone wants to break you. No, no, no, no. But there's something about you that I really dig. I respect this shit out of you because, I don't know, there's a couple reasons. I see what you're doing on stage.

You have no fear, you know. But most importantly, you're not complaining. You never complain. Oh, yeah. I like that quality. Take way you got in here. I feel like these people don't really want to see you do well sometimes, too. in the city, I feel like you can get a lot of that.

So I just going on the road and ripping as much as I can, it just makes me kind of the most happy. That night I hosted at the store, you knew I was going through hell. You knew I was going through hell, especially with the women, you know, and I tried to be as nice as I could to you guys. Like, listen, just stay in the back,

let me know when you're going to go up, I'll fucking put you up. But that night, I really learned what was going on. And it was, I looked at, from two angles that yeah maybe they're not putting up enough women but the other there was like three of them that wouldn't stop fucking complaining that's not

once I started seeing women crying and shit I was like I don't need this I'm never doing this again I don't do comedy I'm not doing comedy that made women cry I'm not doing that that was not the purpose of this mission and I felt so bad that night I drove up that hill and felt

fucking violate it like I was putting in between myself me, I believe, put up a guy, put up a chick, put up a guy, put up a woman, put up a young girl, put up a lesbian. I don't give a fuck. I just don't want to see, when I go to a comedy show now with what I've learned over the years, I don't want to see three guys and one girl. Mix it up a little bit. Throw a fucking black lesbian who's missing a kneecap from something.

I don't give a fuck. Mix it up. I want to see different. The worst thing I want to see when I go to a club is that the MC's dirty, the feature is dirty, and then I got to go up there. Is there no creativity anymore in booking? Yeah. Is there no creativity no more in booking?

I want a strong comic in front of me, but I also want a comic that has a completely different taking of mind than me. I don't want to go up there with three guys saying cock sucker and pussy and fuck you and, you know, Hitler. I don't need that in my life. That's not a good show. But guess what? I learned that my second year in.

I used to book shows. I totally at Rons, a Chinese restaurant in Boulder. And I was all coked up and I lied on my tongue. Listen, I could get you Bill Cosby. You tell me how much. I go like 20,000. You go, no, I can't do Bill Cosby. So I go, listen, give me $4,500.

I'll give you a good local comic. And it was just a great fucking eight months of my life. But I remember putting, like, this guy that was spotless clean to headline. I put a guy that was edgy but not dirty. to feature and then i put a lesbian in the host are you kidding me that's a three ring fucking circus that's what people want to see i don't want to see three black comics with the same fucking state of mind going up there but sometimes i go to a club and i can't believe the feature actors in front of me and i'm not going to say none i'm not the type of person that will ever complain

i just now i learn about the guy who's booking the club this motherfucker's got no creativity the mc's up there saying fuck off the jump and the features up there saying fuck by the time i get up there my fucks won't be effective yeah so i got to raise my voice a little bit when i say fuck and i actually i triculate them a little more it's just you see this shit but you learn this after doing comedy a few years like you become effective if you do law fucking 10 years what's up lee your face is turning red what's the problem over there Lee this is always a struggle for you monday night I just fucking, my body was like, don't do it. Don't do it.

We got to eat two more. This is how many, you're what? What is Yom Kippur? What is Hanukkah? What is Hanukkah? What is Hanukkah, Doug? Christmas Eve, I believe. So Christmas Eve, so it's what, the fifth?

So you got my fucking 18 more days of torture with Uncle Joe? before fucking Hanukkah. That's like four podcasts. You know, he falls asleep after every podcast. I call him Tuesday mornings and Thursday mornings. I'll fall asleep every podcast. Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

It's when we take like $8,000. I won't fall asleep tonight, but I'll, like. I'll call him. We're going to eat two more before the show is all. Your eyes are ready. Oh, yeah, look at him. He's done. He's done.

No, no, this is a party. He says he goes home. He falls asleep. And he has a burst of energy. He goes home. he makes like a salami sandwich then he downloads the podcast and his girlfriend walks out

like what are you doing he's like I'm doing five of the fucking moot he just passes out here I'd be petrified to pass out here I have to turn off the lights I don't make a decision to pass out you just kind of like wake up with like I've only really passed out

two or three times and you just kind of wake up and like the things are all over it was like two in the morning ones that one was bad here? Yeah You don't wake him up, you just leave him.

No. No, no, no. He didn't pass up before. I'm awake when he's. I'm awake. When I leave, he's awake. But I can tell. Listen, if he's going like this, in the podcast, during the podcast, if he's laying back, I know he's a Ghana.

Sometimes he's just making noises. Now I'm deaf. If I can hear his noises, I know we got a long night of us. I've left him on the couch a few nights. That's reasonable. Two nights. I put him on the couch. He's just, and then.

But when I've left here, he's passed out, turned off the lights. And the next morning you talked to him, he's like, Scott Hitch McGoo. He got a pizza sent here. He gets a pizza delivered. Then he took an Uber, but it was a Mexican dude that just killed three guys in the cartel. Oh, that's terrifying. So he went around the corner, made him drop him off, and then he called Lyft. He has his whole...

This is rough. No, no, this is like an adventure here. People have no idea what I live with. I try to explain to them that, you know, this is no... I'm no picnic, but he ain't no fucking picnic either. I professionally get away. Because I don't know what's going to happen in the morning. There's nights I got to stay up like a mom.

I got to wait. And he'll call me when he gets home. I'm home already. And I'm okay. Now I can go to sleep. If not, it's a fucking nightmare. I'm sitting up all night. Where is this guy?

And I'll keep calling him. What's going on? Nothing. I'm waiting for this thing to download. Listen, stop falling to sleep. I know he's fucking sleeping. What really happens, to be quite honest, is I'll just like, I'll just kind of zone out.

Does it ever happen when you're medicated? Like, I'll just be doing work. And then I'll just start thinking about stuff. And then like 45 minutes will go by. Like, oh, I wonder if that was done exporting about 43 minutes ago. So I did. But yeah, but then it's good because I sober up so I can drive home. But it's.

So there's a couple of nights. I live here. I live, I live maybe three. blocks from here. It's a fucking struggle. It's a struggle. I make that laugh and I'm like, ooh. I put my car and park at those lights. My wife put Christmas lights up.

Do you know that? I was so high. I drove by the house. I didn't know it was my house. I didn't know it was my house. I get to the park. I get a dog. This is fucking confused. I'm like a concedo. I had to turn around. I told my wife today. She was dying. She knows I'm retarded. She fucking decorated the house. I drove by at the other night stone to the gills I drove right by I didn't even though

it was my house finally I get to the park I'm like why am I here did I drive down the wrong block I had to start all over again from Laurel Canyon I did it all over again oh you know me dog I'm tip top McGoo let's do this all over again I can't take it I don't know where the fuck I am

in those dark streets there's people walking their dogs I'm not gonna stop for directions I just kept fucking driving you have to do you turn dog I go right back Kalaua Canyon and the Riverside and started all over again. I made that left by the fucking, the Popeye's chicken and the right, and I went all the way down again. I crossed over Kofax all over again and fucking, do you know what?

I drove past it again, but then I put the brakes on. I go, no, no, no, no, no. This is fucked up. And I remember we put lights up the other lights up with the baby. I just didn't see the other lights. She put lights up against the garage. I didn't see those fucking lights. She tricked me.

Even seeing like your wife's car or anything else? Dog, I'm lucky I can see in front of me when I fucking drive. Without glasses on. I'm lucky. I just coat. Listen, I drive by sound. I've been telling you that for years. I drive by sound that night.

You let me drive at night. You're taking your fucking chances. I don't see. I don't see. When I'm going down low, I'm doing 90, do you really think I see? I don't fucking see no more. My side is done, dog.

Wait to your fucking 53. You've been on the computer since you were 10, Cocksucker, you're done. I was fine. Like, on the computer, stop doing Coke. I was fine. That's when this shit hit the fan, Becky McDougal. You got any dates for me?

You're going to go there? So, yeah, the parlor live, the 18th. You got your schedule for next year? No, not yet. They booked colleges for you, too? Yeah. What's your website? I just put everything on Twitter early.

This is why I love this fucking savage. You see what I'm saying? Everybody's begging you. You gotta have the website. This is Hollywood. She's like, listen, I ain't got time for this shit. All right? I'm a fucking attorney.

Get out of my face before I fucking bitch-slapped you, bitch. This is why I love and respect this little young girl. She's quite the fucking savage. I know she got a nice family. I didn't know about the jogging on Christmas. I don't know if I would have let you come on the podcast that and shit. You jog on Christmas. What type of people are these and shit?

I just weren't to, yeah. I think it was last Christmas. Yeah, my sister couldn't do it on Christmas, so we had it the night before. And, like, it was this weird time where I was just asking her about work, and she's like an OB-GYN. She was IVF, but she works with, like, babies and stuff.

So I asked her if she hadn't seen that show. I didn't know I was pregnant. And she said she hadn't, but she had a woman come in like that who thought she was pregnant. She was, like, really large woman. And I guess she just had, like, really bad gas. so she knows she's pregnant

but I guess the baby was already dead and so they have to take the baby out and I guess normally they would do a C-section but the doctor just decided to like muscle it out and pulled off the baby's head and then because it's a stillborn so they have to give it to the parents to grieve

and so then the doctor had to sew the head back on and my older sister just tells a story at like our Christmas dinner and we all just lost it Doug that is the darkest funniest shit I've heard in a long fucking time I think we went to a cousin's like baby shower and we try to like retell them how funny the story was to all of us

and they were just like y'all are fucked up You know, when I taped my special, uh, that weekend, he wasn't there for the night I taped Friday night. I'm standing by the wall. And some guy taps me on the show. I look at him and I kind of recognize him. He goes, you remember me? I go, I really do. And I go, you're the doctor that took me out to dinner that night.

And he goes, you remember. I'm at a club one night. I'm doing comedy. And this guy and a lady come up to me after the show. And they're like, you know what? I haven't laughed that hard in a long fucking time. And I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm a doctor.

And I go, what type of doctor? I guess he was like the head guy in 911 where people come in for surgeries. And we started talking. It was a Thursday. And I don't know. You know, it was just out of character. He goes, do you want to go across and just get something to eat? And I was like, absolutely.

We want to go to steak. And for two and a half hours, they had to throw us out. This guy fascinated me with those type of dark fucking stupid. stories that you sit there and go tell me you're not but these people him and his wife were both surgeons or whatever and the stories are just just as dark and funny as that I mean you got to have a little bit of a sense of humor you ripped the baby's head off then you got to stitch him back so you hold it and agree what the fuck do you tell the parent how come it's got stitches on his neck what happened this little motherfucking Frankenstein and shit try to muscle them out can you imagine

giving him to the mother. She's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck is this? This ain't no black baby. This is a motherfucking Frankenstein. This little voodoo kid came out with stitches on his neck and shit. Oh, that's cold blood. I love that.

See? But yeah, I guess we have a dark sense of humor. Yeah, I guess, well, my dad's been sick like the past 10 years. So every Christmas, my mom's like, maybe your dad's last Christmas. I'm just like, maybe your dad's last Christmas. She's been saying this for like six years. And every time I get there, she's like, we should just write his obituary just in case. And what is your dad say?

Well, he's, I mean, he's been, he hasn't spoken for eight years because he is like, he's in like the later stages of Alzheimer's. I'm very sorry, man. So when you go, you just hug him and he just looks at you? No, he's even past that. He just kind of sits there. But you can kind of get him to pay attention a little bit. But, yeah.

You still love him with all your heart? We sometimes didn't really get along when I was. younger but yeah i mean he's how many sisters you got older sister younger sister so three girls how many boys that's it you know how tough that is on the male fucking i can't it's our fault probably yeah it's it's tough you guys cracked them yeah broke him hard who's the youngest still hanging on my yeah my little sister katherine uh she held on wheels uh no crack him no it was probably definitely me it was oh with the law school yeah yeah yeah yeah That was the beginning on the end.

We were both stubborn. I think that's why he's like, don't go to law school. I'm like going to law school. So we butt heads a little bit. But yeah, no, she still lives at home and actually helps take care of them. She's really good. Good for you, man. You're still family still here.

That's very nice. She had to really, uh, we got to say for yourself, Cucksuck. Anything's, have you taken anything from this conversation? Have you learned something? I have learned You can quit cigarettes by doing cocaine Oh yeah

You can quit anything by doing cocaine I'm just hiding in the room Uh What else have you learned? Nothing Fucking nothing You sat there Like a fucking Luke

De Luke I learned This young girl Fucking Went to college And said Suck my dick And called me short

I'm done with this shit I think you meant like an existential like what did I learn for the evening blue apron's good blue apron is fucking tremendous even my brother over here when I'm blue apron for a few weeks tell him Doug you know Paula's actually cooking it right now oh you went back on it even for the holidays yeah yeah I'm doing it it's uh I think she's being like a fed pizza pizza tonight it's it looks really good it's great I like it I like it it's really it's It's really fun to learn how to cook. I do, I swear to God.

Part of it is that. I mean, besides that, the ingredients are created equal. Fresh, high quality ingredients make a real difference. So it's important to know where your food comes from, okay? Lee has tried Blue Apron. You've tried it how long, Lee? I mean, you're a trooper. Yeah, you know, yeah, it's been a few months.

I was doing it every week, and then I started going on the road with you those few times. So I only do it like two times a month now, but it's great, especially with Paula there because now we're both kind of busy. And it takes care of half the week's meals, half the week's dinners. It's pretty great. For less than $10 per person, Blue Apron will deliver seasonal recipes along with proportioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. You choose from a variety of new recipes each week or let Blue Apron's culinary team surprise. You recipes are not repeated within a year so you'll never get bored. Is that correct, Lee?

Absolutely. Customize your recipes each week based on your preferences. Blue Apron has several delivery options so you could choose the one that fits your needs and there's no weekly commitment. So you only get deliveries when you want them, all right? Each meal comes with a step by step. Lee, are they lying? No, they're not. Easy to follow a recipe card, pre-portion ingredients.

and get to be prepared in 40 minutes or less. That means you get home, you can smoke a number, take your socks off, pour a glass of wine, and go to work. By 7 o'clock, there you are eating, and you watch World News tonight at the same fucking time. All right. Blue Aprons, Freshness Guarantee promises that every ingredient

in your delivery arrives, ready to cook, or they'll make it right. Listen, this is a great holiday gift. Do me a favor. I'd love to. You know what, Lee? I might get you a couple gifts of these. Thank you.

And then. Becky, too. I might get some, fuck her. She needs some blue apron at a house and shit. Just interject really quick. That's absolutely true. I've had a couple issues with shipping that's not their fault.

Their customer service has been. Tremendous, I've heard. Literally the best I've ever had. The best. I've heard tremendous. And guys, this is, I just signed up with the code because I like it.

I'm just a regular customer. They don't know who I am. And they respond within like an hour, usually within an hour, and take care of it fully. It's great. Well, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash joey. Look at what they got this week. They got black and catfish with Veracruz sauce. They got seed pork chops with frica salad.

And then the family dinner, they got shrimp and squid ink pasta and white chast. cheddar chip burgers with sweet potato wedges. Are you kidding me or what? Start off by going to blue apron.com slash joey. You'll love how good it feels and tastes and to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron, so don't wait. Do yourself a favor, give it to a friend for Christmas.

That's blue apron.com slash Joey. Again, that's blue apron.com slash Joey. Here we go. Again, you're going to love this. Another holiday treat. Like I said, I tell you once, I told you a million times. You're unique. You don't walk like everybody else.

You don't talk like anybody else. You don't sleep like everybody. So why is your mattress one size fits all? Then you wonder why your back hurts, your neck hurts, your ass hurts, because the country mattress will cost you $5,000 to $10,000. Until now, introducing Helix sleep, where you can buy mattresses online, customized for you, for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands.

Go to helixleaflep.com answer a few simple questions based on four key preferences and the result will be a custom sleep profile. Your mattress will arrive at your door in about a week and shipping is 100% free. And for couples,

Helix customizes each side of the mattress. Helix customers report 30% improvement in overall sleep quality. You have 100 nights to try it out and if you don't love it, they'll pick it up and give you 100% refunds. They're right. No questions asked.

That's why everyone from GQ magazine to Ford, they're talking about Helix Sleep. So do me a favor. Go to Helixleep.com slash joey and get $50 off your order. Again, Helixleep.com slash Joey and get $50 off your order. Who's better than you? That was phenomenal. You know what I'm saying? Listen, you got to fucking let these people know we ain't fucking around here.

Lee, talk to these motherfuckers about MVMT watches. Drop it on them, will you? I am. I got the black on black. I got the black on black. How does it feel? How does it? Do you wet it?

Have you put it under water? What the fuck? Have you taken it up high out ofitudes? Talk to me about the experience. I don't know if it's water resistance, so I haven't tried that yet. I have taken it to awesome. I'm taking it to Chicago for the taping. It's...

It looks sharp with the suits. It's a great one. It's a sharp-looking watch, and the best thing is it don't cost an arm and a leg. You know why? MVMT watches pronounced the movement was founded on the belief that style shouldn't break the bank, all right? The watchmaker's goal is to change the way consumers think about fashion

by offering high-quality minimalist products at revolutionary prices, okay? We get it. Holiday shopping can be tough, but thanks to MBMT watches, all that gift-giving anxiety can disappear with the press of a button. These watches make it.

What's happening? Don't make me laugh. With a perfect purchase, listen, these watches make the perfect purchase for just about one in your life. Guy or girl, and remember they start at $95. You have heard me talk about MBMT watches before, and I'm sure you got yourself one.

Now let's finish your holiday shopping and get an NBMT watch for someone on your list. The holiday season is here. With NBMT, you can skip the crowds and standing in crazy lines at the mall and find that gift and they'll love the prices

and beat the department stores. Listen, the movement watches start at $95. The apartment store, you're looking at $4 to $500. Am I not lying? You're not lying. Freaks have complimented. in you and said, look at Lee, you must have a mazorati with the watch like that.

Every freak you see. That's a freak fucking magnet. That's right. That's what MV&T figured out by selling online. They were able to cut out the middleman and the retail market provide the best possible price, all right? Classic design, quality construction, and style minimalism.

Over 500,000 watches sold in 160 countries. All right. Are you kidding me? or what? Drop it, Ashley Bonnell. You get 15% off today. Free shipping, free returns by going to MBMT watches. dot com slash drop in Lee.

Church. Bam! C-H-U-R-C-H Cocksuckers. One more time. This watch has a really nice design, and I'm telling you, Lee's been picking up freaks since day one. It's time to step up your watch game. Go to mvmtwatches.

com right now slash Church. Bounds! Join the movement, Coxuckers. Why start the new year off with a shitty fucking watch? Go to MBMT watches.

I want to thank Honet one more time. Helix, NBMT watches, and my main motherfucking chef for the future Blue Apron right now. Bam! You know what?

I got no shows. Go fuck yourself. It's over. The rest of the year I'm running Acapello, cocksucker. I don't know what I'm fucking popping up. I'm relaxing.

It's been a long year. I love you guys. See you, Thursday night, I want to thank Ashley for coming on. She's one of my favorites, guys. If she's in your town, go over there and see her, pay her respect. Shake her hand, bring her a joint, whatever, bring her whatever she needs. A cookie, whatever she needs.

I'll say cookies. Thank you so much for that like me. Anytime. You're a fucking great fucking savage, man. What's up, dog? I'm doing good. I have nothing either. In the room nice and quiet is my girl fucking Becky Rodriguez from the fucking

on the map. What's the name? Map therapy. I'm telling you I smoke too much pot. Also, I can't wait for your special. What are you going to wait for? There's no fucking nothing to wait for. Thank you for reminding me, though.

Go to C-Saw right now. Pressing Joey and get two months for free. See, Ashley's a fucking genius. I'm very excited. Thank you for bringing it up from the bottom of my heart. Have you a shot one for them yet? No, not yet. Pretty soon.

Pretty soon. They're going to come to you and say Ashley, drop, I'll be ready I'm excited Everybody'll be fucking happy You'll calm the family You can tell her sister Shut the fuck up now

Okay bitch What the fuck out What I tell you It paid off I love you guys Stay black Lee What the fuck You got no news for me

You ain't shocked tonight What's going on What's going on with you tonight I'm doing fine I don't know You fucking didn't say two words You stared tonight Like that kid at the circus

Like you don't know what's going on Somebody hit you with a flare in the head. No, I'm doing good, man. I'm doing, I had a great weekend. Oh, wait. Saw the Harry Potter movie. I thought it was pretty good. Oh, yeah.

That's it. I'm a little boring life. I'm a good stuff. I eat stars and good. Did you get the turkey sound? You didn't go down there. Good for you. The Houston.

That cost $50 down there. No, no. I didn't care. I went to the one in North Hollywood. That's like $10. You get reclining a seat. Stop. Like a doctor on the first floor.

I step in it. If the ask. The escalator is broken. It's fucked up. That's a long walk up once you think about getting a refund for about five minutes. You're like, fuck that walk. Maybe I will go see the animated movie and shit. That's a long-ass walk up to escalator.

Thankfully, the escalator was working on that night. All right, motherfuckers. We'll be back Thursday night with Louis Gomez and a bag of stars. Stay black. Have a great week. Don't forget about me. Love you, motherfucker. Ciso.

Thursday, 8 o'clock. No, I don't know what time. I don't know what time it gets released. Just go to Cizzo. TV right now. Press and enjoying it two free fucking months. Love you guys. Stay black. Hit it leave. Bam.

Mother.