The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #437 - Luis J. Gomez

Episode Date: December 9, 2016

Luis J. Gomez, Comedian, Podcaster, and head of Gas Digital Network, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Hint Water - Get a variety pack of their most popular flavors that would normally cost $24 for $15 at drinkhint.com/church.   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.    Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free. Watch Joey's Special, "Sociably Unacceptable" Now!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 12/08/2016.
  

Transmission fluid. Ask them. When you open it, you're like, oh, God. Dog, you eat these fucking things. People tell you, how do you eat four? I told the lady at Perennial that you ate two of them the other day. She was like, I can't even imagine that. She goes, I get a square and cut it into twos.

Yeah. And I go, she goes, I get fucked up for four, five hours straight. But you know what's weird? I had, what did I have? I had three of the red stars last night. That's just 375. I have 375. Just a warm up.

For nothing. I got pretty high. For like four hours. Yeah. To a hit you, but then it goes away real fast. Right, yeah, absolutely. It disappears real fast. Yeah.

We burn through these stars. Our main edible are the stars. So we built the tolerance to them. Like, most people could eat one red one and they get, they see the fox. But I mean, isn't it THC though? Because, like, I have an extreme tolerance to smoking. Like, I can fucking. Smoke, yeah, for days.

Dude, I can smoke all, literally. All day. I just, the only reason I don't do it anymore is because, like, my throat will start to hurt. Yeah, I'm not getting nowhere. I'll get a headache, you know. That first high in the morning is my best. I go super high in the morning. I do all the little things I have to do well on my.

If I hit it again, I get a little high. Once I come back from Jitsu, I hit the pipe maybe once. Do you ever take a break just to get really highly? Sometimes? I took that break for like six months. And how did it work? Oh, no. When I came back, I got really fucking high.

For a week. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, for a week. You're fucking stone. You're eating your fingers. Yeah, it's great. Ready? I'm ready.

Let's do this. Let's do this shit. we want to start yak him while the fucking thing's hitting you. The church of what's happening now is presented by On It. This show is also brought to you by Hintwater. Go to Hint.com slash church and check out Hintwater. Hintwater is a brand new water that brings you the fresh taste of fruit with pure water. And right now when you go to Hint.com slash church,

you're going to get a variety pack of their most popular flavors. for only $15. It's normally 24. Drinkhint.com slash church. Show is also brought to you by Miondi's. Go to meandies.com slash Joey right now to get 20% off of your first order. Shipping is always free in the U.S. and Canada.

Go to meandies.com slash Joey right now. Check out their shirts, their socks, their underwear. I love their sweatpants. Go to meundies.com slash Joey right now. Here we go. Mr. Gomez is in studio. Kick that mulee. Don't make me tell you again. Kick that motherfucker.

I don't care what the Animal Society says. Kick that motherfucker. It's Thursday night. December 8. What? Oh shit. Jews up and jumping up and down. You got fucking 16 more days to Yom Kippur or Hanukkah, one of those motherfuckers.

One more star going. We're at 1,600 milligrams. Call Ripley. Call his mother. Call Guinness. It's a church. what's happening now, bitch. Oh, shit.

Black people jumping up and down. Shit, break out the gorilla biscuits. Here we go. Do it. Do it, Mr. G. What you did to me. Because I'm not the same. Oh, shit.

You just don't know. Oh, shit. You want it. You got it. We've been doing bonn hits, stars of debt. We've been taking good care of Mr. G, though. We don't want to kill him tonight.

We want him to make the plane tomorrow. I'm you know what I keep on getting warned about this show over and that's the one thing I've gotten is like listen to me don't have anything to do after the show make sure your flight's not too early the next day don't drink the water because Joey might put acid in it there's all of these we can't find the acid Lee got rid of my mistake I don't think so I think you put it in some water's like the Willie Wonka ticket but you just put some acid in some random water's like seven fucking hits of pink void acid in this room somewhere in one of these bottles of water no it's probably under one of those I hit it and I can't remember where the fuck I hit it because when we did it and we got paranoid. So it's in one of the album covers. It's here though. One day somebody's going to be very happy. I was moving furniture one time with Dave Smith. We used to be a roommate.

He's a comedian and one of my co-hosts in my other podcasts. And we were moving our couch and as we were moving it on the day removing a bag of cocaine fell out of the couch. Like probably like, you know, like an eight ball. And it was me, Hibnibnard, our buddy West. And literally we all saw it fall on the floor. We all paused for exactly one second. And then we dove for it, all three of us. And we wrestled around on the floor until one of us finally got it.

And then, of course, we just shared it. But we did a line each immediately. And then we felt guilty because we didn't really do cocaine. It was a buddy of ours, our drug dealer friend Jablonski. He would fucking come over with like tons of drugs all the time. And he accidentally dropped in our account. It was like a year old. So then we felt guilty

and then we ended up flushing it down the toilet The rest of it should have sold it Yeah At least split 60 apiece something How would we have sold it? I don't know there's some fucking buddy in the comedy club That'll give you 50 bucks Yeah but it's not it's not enough

If it was like a big bag of cocaine There's no way we would have flush it would be like all right Let's fucking figure this out Somebody would give you 50 bucks for it Yeah but I would have to go out and fucking be hawking weed at comedy clubs I wasn't doing comedy you have one friend that does coke Everybody has one creepy friend that does Just call them on.

I got a deal of a century. I think I have one friend that doesn't do coke. Yeah. So you call that, don't call him. Call everybody else and go, whoever gets here first has a deal of a century. Bring 50 bucks. And watch them come over.

That's true. It's fucking crazy. I found the bag of Coke once. I thought it was like meeting God. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'd rather find, you have more chances of finding money. Yeah.

Than finding like two grams of fucking blow. Like, you go to 7-11. That's what it was. Yeah. It was 10 years ago at the Curse on 7-11. And the fucked up thing was. You remember the day. Oh, my God.

I went in there, and I went in there the other day. They had the audacity and put the lighters back out because I disappeared. You used to have NFL lighters. I used to clip two a fucking pop right in front of them while I was paying. They looked down. I take two and just hold on. Is this recently? No, this was 10 years ago, but they put the lighters back this week because I went in there Tuesday.

Yeah. And I said, oh, shit, they got the lighters back out. I was just ready to clip one. Yeah. And I go, why fuck around at this point in the game? Don't you just kind of want to, because I do that sometimes just to test my ability. still. If I could just fucking...

Just for no reason. I do it all the time. For stupid shit. Like I was the other day, I was with my chick, and we were at Rite Aid, and there's like nail polishes, like up at the front thing.

So for no reason, right in front of the chick, as I'm paying, I grab one of the nail polishes, put it under my hand. I'm palming it. That's all I'm doing. Not a big deal.

I'm putting it in your hand, like you're reaching for money. Just nothing. And you drop the fucking thing, and you take out the wall, and they look at you like, no, he didn't have no nail polish in his hand. Nice and simple.

Put it in my pocket. It's like Houdini. I walk outside, give it a hers a nice little gift. You know, and I'm being funny, which is hilarious. She doesn't want nail polish. There's nothing.

But for some reason, I still want to be able to test my ability to see if I could do that. And I could. I still do it. It's a terrible fucking, I don't shoplift like bags of chips. I got an addiction for just lighters.

Just lighters. If you're dumb enough to put a lighter in front of me, I'll take the space I go to, the 7-Eleven I go to has little lighters out. They even put like when they're overflowed on lighters, they put them sideways. Yeah. Which is like an invitation for a sucker like me. But I like them so much.

If I asked them to a lie, they'd probably give it to me. So why rob them, you know? I'm notorious at stealing people's lighters like in life. By mistake, yeah, yeah. A mistake on purpose. Not on purpose. I don't care enough to give it back to them. You go out with a green lighter, you come home with a white lighter.

Yeah. And it's filled and you're like, oh, the fuck took my lighter. At least I came home with a fucking lighter. Yeah. That's the magical weed. That's why you are connected with weed sometimes. Because sometimes you go out with a red lighter and you come home with a green light and you're like, what the fuck? I didn't lose anything.

Maybe a little bit of fucking butane. You're looking pale over that, dog. I haven't seen you this pale since the first time you did kettlebells. I'm just thinking about having so much coke that you don't realize you dropped an April. Like I've never found drool. I couldn't imagine. You're fucked up. You're fucked up. You're going through your pockets. You know you got an eight ball in there. You got a gram for later

You got three pills in there. You got cash. You got weed. You got rolling papers. You got a liner. You got a wallet And it's all in there and you take it out all night because you're paranoid all night. You're like what's that coke? And one time when you go for the coke the three ecstasy pills will fall out of all the eight Vicodans are you got to take money out of your pocket Yeah, it happens man. Yeah, you know I've dropped coke on a fucking couch or or the move was you're doing it in the bathroom you put it down on the thing in the bathroom and you forget you put it down and you leave and that's it

then the next dude is taking a shit just as rocking and rolling yeah you said that because I was just thinking about this Chinese restaurant I used to deliver food from deliver coke for and they had like a bath they had like two bathrooms for customers then they had a bathroom for Chinese people only where they went in then they had another

bathroom for the women in the back but if you went back back in the storage room they had a little bathroom with a little, it looked like a closet. It was just a toilet and a sink. And I would go in there and weigh the coke. And I would put the Coke on the toilet. It was white.

And I would put the Coke on the toilet and do a couple lines and get ready to deliver Chinese food. And one night I must have been in a rush. I came in two days later to weigh Coke and there was a line this big on that fucking thing. That unless you have a trained eye, you're not going to see that. Wow. Unless you have a cocaine trained fucking eye.

And nobody had the drugs. They smoked pot. from time to time. So, you know, what's up, Lee? Well, you guys were talking earlier about, and I only did it once, flying with weed. And the only time I did it, I had some edibles.

I was flying home, and I got too paranoid. Like, you've always talked about how you just put it underneath the plane, like before, when you used to go back and forth between Colorado and New York. I was too nervous.

I was like, I don't want to get there and then have them take my luggage. So I brought it in my backpack. But this is the only time this has ever happened. And TSA brought a separate scanner to the gate And they were scanning random people at the gate

I couldn't have been more scared That's when they're nail you right there Oh my God And then I got and then I thought about you I got pulled over today And like I just I just I was so happy I wasn't stoned Or I've never been have you been pulled over stone

Oh it's horrible Oh You start fucking mumbling and stumbling I was doing that was the one thing That was the one thing that I liked about stopping smoking weed It was like six months that I didn't smoke weed like and you and I forgot but like I used to always have weed on me and New York City it's you know it's gotten a little better but like it's not Cali dude call you guys are fucking like partying out here it is like

you don't even get it dude you go to fucking New York City dude oh that was a pull that bro I lit up one time and 20 people looked at me like I was a Martian yeah it's right by opie and Anthony right down there nine the morning I took a joint out and fucking people looking at me even in Jersey when I'm an edgewater I go outside and it's not like that Cali it's like you guys don't know how good you have it if you haven't been in New York if you go to New York City you are it's like you're doing heroin I'm assuming if you did heroin on the streets of California it's how people look at you if you're smoking weed in New York City that let me tell you something okay I was in New York City since 19 fucking 66 you know as a kid my mom took me to see the

Holm Globetrod is 40 seconds straight I went everywhere and there was a time in New York City this is how New York how much New York has changed okay there was a time in New York City when I was a child, maybe six. From the age of six to maybe 11, and I'm not exaggerating here. I spent my time with an 88th Street in Broadway. That's why I went to school, PS166, but on the weekends, I would go to my godmother's on 148th. In the late, in the mid-70s, and this is no exaggeration, ask your dad or your uncles or somebody who remembers the 70s in New York, you'd see a fucking heroin dude nodding every four minutes. New York. Okay. And I mean, they were everywhere. Yeah. It was infested, the upper, the upper west side. I was, wasn't a big upper east side guy, so I can't tell you. Yeah. I used to go to 116th and third, like, by the park to get coke from my mom's friend. But that was later on in life. Nothing. Heroin was everywhere. That's what you saw from 107th Street all the way to 178 you from Port of Darbony. They would nod as the light was changing, Mr. Gomez, nod.

And when the light would change, they would walk across the street and not again. Yeah. You would never, it's like walking dead. That's what it was. You saw two walking dead people on every fucking block. But downtown New York, all those other West Side up the, you know, 8th Avenue, you would snub weed all the time when I was a kid. 42nd Street would wreak a fucking weed. Nobody ever said none.

Rek a weed. Yeah. When you made the right onto, and you saw that thing spinning with the news, the ticker, and you made the left onto Broadway, whatever that is, that would all, that would be a drug. dealer hell yeah that was all drug dealers then the 80s came and the early 80s you could do blow anyway in New York yeah any club you went to if you went into the woman's bathroom there was four five people doing blow women wouldn't even say nothing women wouldn't even say nothing it was that open I left New York in 85 and

cocaine was wide open you could be at a bar in Manhattan and take a package out and do this and nobody would look at you nobody would look at you you weird because that yuppie mentality hadn't hit yet well now it's an elitist town like it's so fucking expensive right it's so expensive to live in new york now that it's like you know it's you know it's become this like and with weed it's changing a little i'll say it is changing okay because you'll smell weed in the air now if you go to certain air you go to the west village down by the comedy cellar you'll see people smoking weed right it's a it's a it's a little but not on any nice street you won't no not you're on a joint by the stand you're you like

I've been by the stand. I've been a joint by the stand. I got arrested outside of the stand. I can't go to fucking Canada because of getting arrested outside of the stand. What the fuck you think I'm talking about? That's the Upper West, right? That's 20th Street. No, that's, uh, it's, uh, grammar street.

But that's, yes, that's true. Yes. Are you kidding me? That was heroinville when I was a kid. Yeah. Well, yeah, needles park. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know that you got arrested outside the stand. I did.

I did. I don't buy this for smoking weed? Yeah, well, here's a thing, right? Yeah. That's the point. I told you. This is why I like, this is what I was saying before. When I stopped smoking weed, yeah, two stars, guys, two stars.

I can't speak anymore. Okay. So, no, but when I, when I wasn't smoking weed, I was walking around and you'd walk past the cop and I was so used to being fearful because I always had weed in my pocket. And now that I didn't have weed in my pocket, it was like a breath of fresh air. Like I wasn't committing a crime at all time. So cops weren't making me as nervous. You know what I'm saying?

but if there was a cop that I literally was coming, coming like 10 feet with, I would get nervous if they could smell it on me. And it's not like you go to fucking prison for smoking weed in New York City, but it fucks up your night. It'll fuck up your weekend if you get caught on a Friday. If you get caught smoking to join on a Friday night...

You'll spend the weekend in jail. The weekend in jail until Monday. It fucking sucks. And that's all it is. It sucks. But if in Canada, the rules are to get in that country... Yeah, you can't get in. No, I can, but I got to pay a few hundred dollars a year,

and it's up to them. They can deny me the license. It's a whole bunch of bullshit. that I have to go through now just to get to Canada. Just crazy. Now, let me ask you this, because a friend of mine said he went to David Gilmore at the Garden, and he had really good seats,

and somebody let a join up, and they looked at him like, fucking he was a driver. No, you can't do it at the garden. You do the vape pen. I don't want to smoke a fucking vape pen. I want to smoke a vape pen like I want a dick in my ass. I just want a fucking vape pen. What are you fucking crazy?

That's what I don't understand I didn't have a truce It's like the fucking cigarettes That women would smoke in the 40s The like the long fucking The Coel de Ville ones Yeah That's what pay pens are

In 94 I used to work on 11th Avenue When they sell all the cars down there Yeah Okay and I used to get out of Manhattan GP Eagle In my 40s 57

There's a diner on the corner There and a hot dog man I used to get off at work at 9, 7.30, sometimes 6.30. And I remember walking up 57th Street by the CBS building and shit. And dog, as soon as I walked out of that building, I was, it's 1994. So that's 22 years ago. I was in my 30s. I'd walk out of there.

I'd make a left on 11th Avenue. The street would be pretty empty until I hit 57th. I started walking up. Yeah. As soon as I hit 57th, I sparked up. Yeah. I remember standing in front of that David Letterman building, sparking, like smoking because it was too cold. I didn't want to walk.

And nobody said dick. Nobody looked at their head up. Well, that's the problem with, like, I'm addicted like that. And that's the problem. And I've been arrested for smoking weed, like, 10 times. Like, it's like, people that smoke weed don't do that. Like, I do it to the point where I, if I'm going somewhere and I know that I'm going to be, like, on a road trip for a while and I can't smoke. Like, I'll make them pull over.

And, like, fucking stop at a rest. Like, every time. Like, I'm like, it's like an addiction. That's where it's not a good thing. Where I literally need it every single day. In the morning. You know? I don't need alcohol.

Yeah. I could stay off Coke for a few days, but I would never have to do it in the daytime. This is my fucking drug. Yeah. Since the time I was 12. First time I smoked it, I knew it was me. Yeah, same thing. I knew it was me.

alcohol for me is something that was something I did with other drugs, you know, but it's not something that I'm going to go into a bar and get a beer. I wish I could be one of those guys. I grew up in the 70s where TV shows when you walked into a guy's apartment, he just turned around and poured you a whiskey and gave it to you. Yeah. You didn't say, was that Southern comfort?

You just drank the fucking thing. So I always wanted to be that guy that could drink. I can drink. Yeah. I was drinking whiskey every night for the past fucking like eight years almost. Probably killing myself. Like really like just fucking my body up. Because at comedy clubs, we don't pay for alcohol.

So I'm drinking for free every night. And, you know, I just stop drinking. A year. It'll be January 22nd. It'll be a year. I don't look at it as even being a big deal. I don't understand like, it's not hard for me. So I'm on applauding myself.

I'm not one of these people that's going to post it on Facebook and be like, oh, look at what I did. Who gives a shit? I'll probably make a big. stupid joke about it but it's weed is hard every day it was a struggle when I was not smoking every single day I got locked up I didn't that was the hardest part of getting locked up really the thought of going to prison for me because when I went to Boulder County for those three weeks and waited for my bail to get reduced they were smoking weed in there there's no drug

testing that yeah people getting arrested and tucking weed in their ass home bringing it in and you know what man like they would charge you $10 for a joint or something or $10 for Even now, if you go to just the tombs for the weekend or the night in New York City, it was, this is a while ago, but it was a, I think it was like 20 or 30 bucks for a joint, and it was a little tiny pinor. Dude, as small as it could be. You have no idea, dude. And we bought it, dude.

Me and another guy bought it. Three hits. Yeah, dude. That's it. Done. Three hits. But it was great. It was glorious, dude.

To be high in jail. Cigarettes in jail are fucking the best. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore. I didn't smoke cigarettes when I went to prison. I didn't even dream. I didn't even dream of smoking cigarettes. That wasn't even, I couldn't even get in your car if you smoked. Well, I'm also comparing my night in central bookings to your time in prison.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I've been at the tombs, dog. You got to let people know. It ain't no fucking joke. It sucks. It's like fucking, uh, the Wu-Tang clan. Dude, there's fights in there. People are trying to prove themselves.

It sucks. You might get killed at the tombs because you might run into a guy who don't give a fuck, Lee. He don't give a fuck. He's already got a murder. Well, they make a fuck. in guys that are fucking murdering people and smoking weed in a corner. You have no fucking idea. You'll see an NYU kid.

Dude, a guy like you, if you went to and smoked a joint in Washington Square Park, which is a famous place that people just get popped all the time for smoking weed, right? And that would be a place that you would go because it seems like a place that's pretty safe. It seems like a cool, if you go to look at Washington Square Park, look at pictures. It's a cool place to hang out. They got cool architecture. They have all those like fucking arches and shit.

Smoking a joint out there is like a trap because it's the perfect place to smoke a joint. but they got undercover cops all over that park. When I heard David Lee Roth got arrested there for buying weed, I knew it was the end of civilization. You know, in the fucking again, and you guys, I'm talking to you like a dinosaur in New York. This is why when I go to New York now, it's very nice and all,

but it's not the place where I grew up in. Yeah. I don't know these people. These people you see walking around New York wouldn't have walked around New York 30 years ago. Yeah. Those people you see walking around, giggling on their phones, that wouldn't have been...

Well, I've been in New York since 2001. Right after 9-11, I moved. there and even in the time that I've been there which is like 16 17 years it's it's changed so dramatically my first apartment in New York City or I'll say let's say let's say my second apartment because it's more dramatic was a top floor downtown Brooklyn one stop in downtown Brooklyn top floor of a building floor through 15 foot high ceiling central air on the elevator came into the kitchen brand new kitchen washer dryer how much 1250 a month and what is it now I don't know

but six grand seven grand easy i mean it's crazy the apartment was nuts it was four four 1400 square feet i had a drum set in there it was crazy we got a ping pong table it's so they've uh i went to where i grew up i went to eighty eight eight street and showed my wife and the baby those people would melt if they were there when i was growing up there's like a fucking gelson it's like beautiful it's beautiful 88 street it's like you gotta see it and i went over there they have like people drinking coffee outside anything what I was up between 88. 80th and Broadway is like you've got to be a fucking rich Jew like in the industry.

You got to be somebody's boss's boss to live up there. It's crazy. They're real estate up there. It's one of the most expensive areas in the world. It's the best in the world. Yeah. I love it. I love the upper West.

Santa of New York is. You know, San up New York? Ah, it's been 15 years. Yeah, I still do that club. They're a cool club. It's been 15 years. But, you know, we were talking about a, I left in 85. And cocaine was wide open, smoking joint.

and clubs was wide open and those days the Colombians were taking cigarettes taking out the tobacco and putting coke in the front and lighten it up so it went through a nicotine and it was like worked like a filter I went back in 94 and me our buddy mine stinky and two girls went out and I went to the bathroom to do a bump thought the guy knocked on the door and he's like you can't we can we don't do that here and I was like are you serious this is New York City he's like we don't do that here yeah and I remember a time before that I went up to the Upper West Side.

I was a young kid. I was 30-something. I was doing comedy, and I think I went to stand-up in New York to do one of the open mics or something like then. And then I walked up. And I remember walking into a place

like on maybe 84th Street. And there was all these people drinking water, bro. Ha-ha-ha-ha. And fucking giggling and shit. I'm like, if you people would have seen what this ball was like 20 years ago, you wouldn't have been ha-ha-ha. It was the fucking Westies that were in there.

Four Irish dudes were in there. Collecting Vig and yelling. There was Irish music on. Yeah. And now it's all these fucking Gentile phases in there from college. Washington Square Park, bro. I used to go there and see Chappelle as a kid. I didn't even know what stand-up was.

I didn't know it was Dave Chappelle. I didn't know it was the other fucking dude. I had no idea. When I saw Miami Vice, I said, that's a dude from Washington Square Park. And when I looked them up, I had no idea. I used to go up there with Bonehead. I used to have a friend Bonehead.

Me and Stinky used to work for him. and he'd give us 50 bucks a piece to pick up a toilet, go to the store and pick up cigarettes and beer for him, shit like that. But the day started, we would go do it, the toilet, or do some plumbing work, and then we'd go to that fucking place that sells chili

and two beers or something. McSorley's Alehouse. Is it still there? Tell me that's still that. Where's it at? Right, Washington Square Park, right there. Soley's alehouse. Or some type of beer place.

I don't even know if it's McSawley's. me and Stinky would go there We'd order a beer We were fucking 17 They didn't prove you then We'd order a beer They bring us chili, the beer And he would go to the park

Cop heroin Valiums Yeah And the weed for us In those days you'd get 8 tens 8 10 milligram valiums With the V in it

For $10 And he would walk back While we were eating He'd go into the bathroom At this place And he'd do a little Tutsu-Outs do a little blast just to keep him alive until 8 o'clock and then 8 he'd go to fucking zoomieville

and we did that twice a week yeah i loved walking around in washington square buck that's how i said to you yeah when i heard david lee rave got arrested that i go that's the end rie said at yankee games people got arrested the yankee games for smoking wheat yeah i remember going to a yankee game and people were smoking crack there was crack files i saw greg i got upset with the guy smoking crack the other day because I was walking down the service with my kid and it's like I live in Harlem and I like where I live in Harlem is pretty gentrified it's fairly nice what street I live on one I mean I live I live off of the the 16th and uh like seventh eighth avenue that area how far are you from Lamarita uh just like a 12 minute walk under like right on 117 yeah yeah it's still

there still there oh yeah when you make santa ria I used you know it's funny I always used to go there that I might have said this last time because I think you mentioned that the last time because that building that went down was right there. And I lived a block or like a half a block down from that building that just blew up in Harlem. So I used to live just a block away from the market right there. Yeah, so I have no culture. I can't say the marketa. La Marquetta. Wait, the idea that was what.

Can you say it? No. I want to hear you say it. La Marquita. My dad. Yeah, somebody can say it wider than me. I love, no, I love my dad to death, but he still, he calls Chipotle, Chipotle, Chapotle. Chaparral.

I tell him every time I'm like, dad, it's Chipotle. That's a new level of white. He's like, hey, I went to me. Look, look, here's the truth, right? Like, white people see me as being like Latino. Oh, you look Spanish. No, I know, yeah. My son looks Spanish.

My son looks, you know, he's the same, like, complexion as me. But he's only, because I'm half Italian Irish. And my son's only technically a quarter Hispanic, but he looks just like a fucking little Puerto Burika, man. Great white person hair. Because I had shitty, like, really curly hair. And then it's fucking now. It's just gone.

Now it's fucking over. See, that's where... See, you think I'm young, but that's where it comes in. Got to pay I do somewhere. You got fucking... No, you got great hair, Joey. I'm losing it. It's going down because I puff it back.

The middle has puffed down. It's like a cake. You don't use enough flour. Did you ever see the cake on Little Rascals when they fucking made the cake? No. Click on the Little Rascals to Cake. These motherfuckers need to get a dress for. for their mom.

So they made a cake. Yeah. And everybody had to pay $5 to get in there to eat the cake. Wait till you see what they put in the fucking cake. I don't know what they put in the case. This is one of the best episodes of all time. That we're going to talk about what we were talking about when you came in. I forgot about this.

Yeah. I don't remember what it was. What they put in the cake. Let me get another star of death, though. I feel like you guys are not respecting me right now. No, we love you to death. I feel like you guys are not respecting me. I can't.

Well, you know what? You're going to take a whatever home. so you're okay. Watch this. What's this shit? Look at Steinmey and shit. That's Petey. The America's first pit bull.

One of them is Bucson. One of them is stymie. This all seems very racist. I don't know why. Oh, that's why Cosby brought him the rapist. And he took all the racist shit out of it. I don't know. People put the racist shit back on.

For as long as I tell you, Coon. Watch this. That's fucking racist. The episode is this kid here's mom gets beat up by her husband and shit, and the dad's a douchebag. So she wants a dress for her birthday. So these guys' plan is to make a cake and sell it and get the profits to make a fucking dress. But they don't know what they're doing.

They're just putting a bunch of shit in here, sugar, and speed it up a little bit, Lee. And I'll show you this. Let's see where you're at. Go up a little bit. All right. Now they're setting up the party and they start throwing. things into the cake. It's a little weird.

You know, it's funny that, uh, did you watch that, um, stranger things show? All right. It's,

you watch it, Lee? Uh, my girlfriend has, but I haven't, no. Okay, so it's,

either way, the cast, a big part of the cast is like these little kids. They're like, you know, uh, 10 year old kids,

right? And apparently they, they shopped it around to a bunch of networks and they wouldn't sign it because it was kids and they said, nobody's going to get on board with, uh, like a kid's ensemble cast.

So it's kind of fun. I was like you don't really see shows that are about little kids. Like, who the fuck is watching this? Just like pedophiles. But no, this was 1930, 1925. They played these on Channel 11. Was this for children? I don't know.

They played these. Was it for adults or children? I have no fucking idea. When I was a kid, they were black and white. And we'd watch them, you know, when I was eight and nine, I watched them. And I'm like, what the fuck? Speed this up a little bit. And now they're putting shoes in the fucking cake.

See? The cake is starting to tremulate. Now, watch this. They fucking blow up. Look at this shit. This is real stuff. Yeah, this isn't even special effects. No, no.

They let this little black kid. Look, put that on louder. Dude, they let this little black kid almost let himself on fire. Look at the cake. You sure. Well, listen to it. Listen to the fucking noises. I haven't seen this in years.

I don't even know why I thought about this. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. This is like, if this was in like, why would this? Look at the cake. Oh my god That's a big bong Pui plow So in the middle of that cake

That's my head, dude You see how I felt? I'll give you $2 for the whole minute It's like they didn't pay these actors They just No They forced the kids to go to work They made them do sex acts

This is 1925 Those people were fucking terrible This is the first black market All people were horrible in the 20s. Horrible. These kids were, this was all racist. Yeah. These kids came out years later and they were all outbies.

They were missing an eye. I'm sure. They tried to kill themselves. They were like fucking trannies. It was sad. It was fucking sad. That was what the Eddie Murphy sketch was about, right? It was about Buckwheat as an adult.

Was it? Yeah. I think that's what it was about, right? Look at these motherfuckers. Yeah. Would you ever let your kid act? No. Me neither

No I don't like what they get faced with Yeah because people Because I have my kids cute as shit My kid's a fucking cute little boy Oh no when I When she was born The agent called me He goes we set up an account for her

We should get her in movies and shit Yeah I saw how they picked up that kid And sons of anarchy They put them in the truck They met the truck roll over You know Fuck you for scale

Listen man I did five movies with kids Do you think they make the babies Do their own stunts No They have babies They have babies fucking stunt You could turn this off.

I did five movies with kids. There was six situations that I saw with kids I did not like in movies. I did five movies with kids. And like I always said, I saw this audition one time with a play. It was raining out and it was fucking mobbed. And, you know, people were fucking getting rain down outside. But there's his mom and her little girl. And she had 20 head shots spread around the floor.

And 20 people could have stood there. but in her and the mom's head that was more important her little friends looking at these pictures I don't want my daughter around those people that their kids

are connected with directors and shit like that you know yeah in my house we're real connected with my daughter we're not into Hollywood stuff

I don't go to premieres I don't I try to avoid as much of that Hollywood stuff as I can well also like I think the reason just in general

for the most part like entertainment and wanting to be an entertainer comes from some sort of attention. And I'm hoping my kid doesn't grow up with that need because we've given them that, you know? Listen, man, look at the final product of six out of ten of those kids that act. Yeah.

Look at the final product. You know, there's a nightmare. There's this is this. If I could talk to my daughter and say, listen, these people want to use you for a show for two years. You take that money and put it up for college. But know that you go to college. No matter what happens.

know that you have to go to college and she's that strong yeah I would consider it but I don't want her mingling with those kids I don't want her mingling with Smith's kid I don't want a mingling with priors, you know there's just a bunch of kids that walk around

just saying that's my dad I don't need that in my life I want you to have your own fucking identity do you know what I'm saying it's real important that you have your own fucking identity this new generation they can't handle it I've seen Sean Lennon's son

what does Sean Lennon do since his dad died By the way, it's the anniversary of John Lennon today. Rest in Peace, Cucksucker. That album was fucking great. Maybe we'll close us from John Lennon. Also, Dinebegdaro. Don Bagdaro.

That's right. Don Bagderall. I played Cowboys in hell out of fucking respect. You know, I was talking to somebody's mom, a friend of mine's wife, and he was telling me how bad the drug problem is. And like Malibu High, because those people got fucking names. The parents are out drinking. They leave the pills and the fucking.

in locker room, the kids take him to school. You know, it just, I see it here. This is North Hollywood. This is a shitty area. Yeah. And I've been to the Y swimming with my daughter, and there's been couples there that they're watching that kid swim with the nanny in the pool. Right.

That's unheard of. Even my mom who was a fucking alcoholic, jumped in pools with me and jumped in the ocean with me. You know, it's beyond me. You're going to pay for that later on. That's why, like, my kid, you know, he literally, he's never had like a nanny. He never had, you know, like a, I mean, we have, you know, you know, We have, you know, we've got babysitting on Saturday.

Yeah, I got two babies. I got a babysat comes to Monday and Friday. You know, my wife out, but we don't even use her anymore. Yeah, we raise our kid. And I have, I have a buddy in mine. I want to say who it is. But he was like, he's got money. And he's like, he's like, ah, dude, he's got a kid like maybe two years after I did.

But this is when he had like a newborn. And he was like, uh, he was like, ah, dude, yeah, man. So, you know, it's fucking tough. But he was like, you know, I love it. I'm, you know, raising this kid. You know, it's just, you know, really, really hands on. And I asked him his schedule. He was like, you know, so I wake up at, you know, 6.30 with her.

And then the babysitter comes at 8 or the nanny comes at 8. I go back to sleep. And I'm like, fucking an hour and a half. An hour and a half, are you fucking crazy? And then when the chick's blowing people at the fucking prom. Yeah. That's when they'll come to you. Fuck, I shouldn't have had that babysitter.

I should have sat there when I don't watch a cartoon or played with blocks or something like that. My phone don't start ringing for business down 930. Yeah. I have mercy when I'm home. And listen, man, I'm no fucking best out of the year. I'm not here, you know, this is just common sense type shit. I don't have to fucking read a book. When you talk to somebody, you know they're fucking broken.

And the more you talk to them, they start talking to my mom or dad, you know what I'm saying? In my world, it's mom. I don't remember my fucking dad. We're all a little fucking broken somewhere. I think it has to be weird just to have the option to say, oh, well, maybe I'll do a couple commercials and I'll pay for college. Like, growing up in Massachusetts, I didn't know. no one it was the the most anyone had was like the job i had like a cvs or like that's the problem with the cities in l.a and new york and it's like kids grow up fast and they also grow up

i'm in the entertainment industry so it's like being around that it's going to be very enticing and that's something i'm going to have to deal with you know in reality it's like you're right i'm talking about my kid being three though and people put their kids at two and three years old in commercials and you're like you're not even giving them a chance you're kind of you're entrenching me in that world when they don't have any choice And I think it's a weird You almost you need to have something in you To want to get in this world

So let them figure out if they have that in them It's just kind of very strange to me Could ever have a baby being a fucking movie What are you doing with your baby? Well, last night I'm sitting there stone to the gills I get off the phone with Lee And I notice that there's a show on about Scientology I'm with Leah Remedy.

Have you what's it? No, I've heard about it But I haven't Going off on him and she interviews different people who abandoned ship and all this shit and blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah

but there's this one guy and she's talking to him and the guy's crying because he left and his family stayed in there well you know what dog you put him in there do you know what I'm saying listen man I don't like people

I was very fortunate growing up nobody ever took me down a dark street okay but there's a lot of people out there that lived their life to take people down dark streets, bro. And you get into a cult, you want to get into a cult. That's your fucking business, bro.

Yeah. You can't put your kid in there when he's fucking five. Yeah. Can't do it. You want to join a cult and go to buy whatever, Jonestown and drink the fucking lemonade.

That's fine. I think most people, it's not guys that are in the industry, it's people that have always wanted to be in the industry that could never do it. It's that stage mom shit where they want to live like Harris

with their kids. That is pistol people. Pete's dead. That's terrible. No, no. So I think that's why, you know, like, I know what it's like. I mean, I haven't had a fucking easier in this industry. So it's like, I know what rejection is like, that's fuck. It sucks. I wouldn't wish this. Like, if I would have known back then when I first started how tough the industry is

and how difficult it is to make a real living here and, you know, to fucking make it as a comedian, dude, I might have, you know, I might have picked a different path. At this point, it's just too late. Brother, in today's world. it's tough to do fucking anything. Yeah. In today's economy, in today's world, right now in America, it's tough to do fucking anything.

Right now, if you're a plumber's apprentice, right now you get out of high school, how many fucking options do you have? What are you looking at? I want to pack. I mean, I want to tap this out. There's no way to tap it out. Tap it on the floor there.

In today's America, if you're a kid and you don't want to join the service, and you like construction, and you want to join a fucking union, how much work do you think there is in the union? you'll work steady for nine months. Then the job shuts down. And to some people, it's bad, but for you learning a trade, it's even fucking worse.

Yeah. You know how hard it is to learn a trade in this country right now? Remember, 20 years ago, you could walk up to a construction and say, and go, hey, man, I'm a big guy. Can I learn how to lay brick? I'm going to go, have you ever a hardee before? No, I haven't. All right, learn how to be a hottie. We'll talk about laying brick.

Yeah. After a year, when you become the best hardy out of five of them, the guy would go, okay, once you're working. is done, come on over. I'll teach you how to lay brick. Yeah. And after five years now, you know how to lay brick. Now you're on the line. You went from starting at nine bucks or whatever it is now to 16, 17, $18 an hour. And after five more

years, you can start your own fucking business. That's an apprenticeship. That doesn't exist no more in this country, because right now we just hire immigrants. Yeah. Instead of laborers, for laborers, we just hire immigrants. I'm sorry, I have to say that word. Whether they're Russian, like Trump did, or Mexicans or Guatemala.

In Jersey, they're all years. ago they were Irish. Yeah. 20 years ago on their roof, they were Irish. Immigrants does sound like a nasty word, but it's not. It's just a word.

It's the truth. They hire people. It doesn't sound like it. Doesn't it sound like you're like saying something like bad, like immigrant, but it's just the word. It's just the word. Anybody that's not from this country that comes here is an immigrant.

Well, here's my question. Is it they're hiring immigrants because they're cheaper? Or is that part of it, but is also those are the people who are applying for the jobs? See, that's the question I don't know that I haven't figured out. Okay.

How many kids do you talk? to today that's at 18 you know unless your dad's in the trades and he takes you in the summers and he teaches you you know how much work is for this kid if he wants to learn a trade that's what i always want like right now there's three big construction projects they're redoing the coliseum they're doing the soccer stadium and they're redoing some village down there or some shit you know i uh was thinking about that today how much labor or work is there on that are they doing fucked up labor where they say they're paying

the labor $16 an hour but they bring non-union workers and pay them $8 flat and they swallow the rest of the money I mean how many of those are in their apprentice programs I wonder how many I haven't looked it up but tonight I will how many apprenticeship programs now there are

I know there was a I know this isn't specifically in the trades in the trades but there was I did a course and they had a I could have gone to a trade school a vocational school. They still have that and where I grow up. But I know that there's people who make a lot of money.

I know it's kind of a hot topic right now, but people in oil make the people who are out there drilling are millionaires. Just like millionaires. I want to have my child aspire to be an oil tycoon. Well, listen, it all starts by being an engineer, right? I don't know. What would you want your little girl to be? If you could choose a career for her to be, what would it be?

Three careers Three. That's a good number. Either a lawyer. You don't have no kids, right? No, no. But you're going to one day. You're going to fucking drop seed in a chick. Oh, geez.

Hopefully not for a while. Either a lawyer, a doctor, or some social field where she feels she's really helping people. Yeah. You know,

there's some people that put on this earth, bro, to really help people. I don't give a fuck if they make $20,000 a year. Yeah. I know a girl years ago. That was 40-something. She lived like an artist in a fucking one-bedroom office

you know, on top of a bar, but she's like, I get to help fucking minorities every day. You know, there's some people who are doing that. So for me, for her to have a good life, she needs to do that. She needs to be a fucking doctor. God knows how much college is going to cost

in 20 fucking years. You know, that's a big fear for us. In 16 years, how much is a college going to fucking cost at that time? At that time. Are you going to really encourage your daughter to go to college? Dog, times change.

I think in 10 years, college is going to, to be irrelevant. I agree. I think college is going to be irrelevant. If my kid really wants to go to college. I saw I'm watching what happened with him. I'm watching the questions. We had a conversation a few years ago that I went home blown away. You know, by him. So I don't think it's going to be relevant. I'm sorry to interrupt you. No, no, please, not at all. I, I'm not going to, well, I'm not going to encourage my kid to go to college. If he wants to go, like, I'm not going to be one of these parents going like, oh, you got to think about college. It's got to, it's got to be something that he really wants.

to do. In general, dude, I tell you right now, in life, I have so many friends, most of my friends that have college degrees, most of them, the vast majority of them, aren't using their degree. No, not at all. That's what I'm saying. There's like two that are. And then some of them... They're teachers. They're teachers. Right, and then some of them

their dads pay... And that job, it's not great. I mean, to be honest, we're teaching jobs just aren't really great. 50% of those people, their parents paid, and the other 50, they're lugging the fucking cost. I'm not saying nothing better about your parents. You guys cut a deal. We split it, We split it right.

But that's a crazy thing. That's a loaded thing to say that, say that college is going to be irrelevant. Irrelevant. Okay, but then what are you going to do? Because now even people at McDonald's. Yeah, at McDonald's jobs that you need to have a college degree. No, you don't know. But no, who the fuck is aspiring to be at a college or McDonald's job?

That's why when people say you've got to raise the minimum wage? I'm like, why are we fucking battling for these people that have no aspirations? I'm sorry. Just fucking, who wants to have minimum wage? It's like 2% of the people in the country are on. make minimum wage. Why, like, you should,

your thought process shouldn't be like, I want to make minimum wage. The thought process should be, I want to go beyond that. The people that are making minimum wage should be, should be.

They're kids, their teenagers. People have disabilities we don't know about. Somebody went through a traumatic experience, a divorce, a debt. Maybe they just want to get a job and be half a retard.

Maybe serve hamburgers. You know what I'm saying? McDonald's makes a lot of fucking money every year. The same as all these other people. You're making $9 an hour. I'm asking you to pay me $6. fucking more and raised the fucking national average.

I mean, you see what it costs to be a human being? Listen, I didn't say the cost of life, did I? I said, what it cost to be a human being? None of us could afford being a human being anymore. Yeah.

You know, what's a human being? We got the best soap. We got the best shampoo. We got the best rug cleaner. We got the best jackets. We all try to cut corner somewhere, brother. When we get to Beverly Hills, we'll get to Beverly Hills. But for right now, we're all cutting corners somewhere. If not, this office would be on top of a condo

and then have bitches right now fanning us and shit. And we write a... Theater of the mind. For the audio listeners, that's exactly what's happening. What's happened? There's bitches everywhere. Right now, the American cost of living and one of the Americans is making...

I tell you what breaks my heart. Right now, I know there's thousands of people that want to go home for their families. Go look at those plane tickets. Go see what it would set you back just to get on a plane without gifts. Right. Without gifts, just the cab, the two cabs and the thing to surprise your family, it's $700 fucking dollars.

That's a lot of money when you make a 400 a fucking week, my friend, $500 a fucking week. I don't know. I'm not mad at you, Lewis, but like... No, you are, and Lee. I see it in your face. I'm furious, but I don't necessarily think that, and I know you weren't making a blanket statement, but for the minimum wage, I've worked a lot of minimum wage jobs in high school and college. And there's a lot of people who just like, like just because, you were fine.

No, I'm fine now, but I worked minimum wage. I worked at KFC. I know. One of the best experiences my entire life was working at KFC. Absolutely. I'm telling you right now, you just, it was a one of my first jobs that I had for a while that I had to really be responsible with. It wasn't fucking supposed to be the all end. I wasn't supposed to live my life off of that job, but there are people that are willing to do that work.

I just go like, it's a very small percentage of people that make minimum wage. We should be focusing on how can we. how can we push people to be doing jobs and educating people and getting people to do things that are beyond just the bare minimum bullshit jobs that are out there? It's not like the good jobs are paying minimum wage, you know what I'm saying? Well, that's true.

What's McDonald's pay? What is the national minimum wage right now at this point in our lives? I don't know what the national minimum wage. What is it right now? Well, I just, I've never, it's just so far. Fucking tough out there, guys. 725. 7.25.

All right. So, 7.25 times 40 times 40. That's 200 a fucking week, my friend. Yeah, that sucks. That's 1,200 a month. What's your rent? My rent. Yeah.

I wouldn't work for a minimum wage. No, I know. I wouldn't do it. Think about how many people are. A very, very small percentage of people. 25 an hour. I did not know. I thought it was $9 an hour.

No, that's crazy. And even 360, don't do nothing for you. That sounds too good. That sounds too good. That's like $1,300 a month. You ain't doing dick with $1,300 a month. I just nobody's fucking get, I work, I do stand-up comedy. I've worked so fucking hard.

Nobody's giving me a hand out. There's no minimums in my life. But you made your decisions. I know, but people make the decisions. People make a decision to work at McDonald's. But people make a decision to work at McDonald's because things aren't going too well. If comedy wasn't going that great for you, you, You work at McDonald's part-time and do comedy part-time.

But I wouldn't. I would do something else. And I'm not saying everybody has that. You drive a limo? Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. I would never. Listen, man, I used to. I would never work for minimum wage as an adult.

I've been going to McDonald's lately with my daughter. After soccer, my wife and I take it to McDonald's, I get the quarter of pound. I don't eat the fries. It's healthy. Good, all right. You're being healthy about it. I'm trying. You run right to the fucking bat.

That's how you know McDonald's is terrible. I'm not even in the car, and I got to. shit. Everything has the same flavor. Like the milkshake, the french fries, the burgers, there's a McDonald's like film. The last time we went on even eat nothing. And I was dying to eat a Big Mac. The new Big Mac don't look bad. They shrunk it. What did they do?

I don't fucking know. There's a new Big Mac? There's three new Big Macs, but I wouldn't touch them. I don't know. They broke them down. I was reading it, but I was high. We should get... Do they deliver McDonald's? No, we're not getting McDonald's delivered here. That's disgusting. Three new Big Macs? You take the fucking stink out of this office for a year. I can't

come in here. I'm going to get those carpet people. Well, we talk on McDonald's. And I was looking at the people working McDonald's right here. On this one here, I don't want to say the name. They weren't destitute people. They were a couple college kids, the manager. You know, there's a great story that I think I told Lee that the manager, the guy that created, my name is Earl. Yeah.

Greg Garcia. When the strike, when he was doing, my name is Earl, the writer's strike, you got a job. On the McDonald's, on Laurel Canyon. the creator. Yeah. And he started from the bottom, washing bathrooms and shit. And after three months, they offered him like they... That's the plot of coming to America.

What are you talking about? He went over there. He was the Louis Anderson's character. This is in 2007, 2008, the writer's strike. He went into that McDonald's right on Radford and got a job at CBS right there by where his friends are. He didn't think his friends were going to see him and he worked. And he mopped floors and they said they promoted him to French fries and the

grilled and they got promoted to account of course and they came to them and then they go would you consider being like this way up to be the fucking head of uh wm he fucking took the checks gave him back to him he goes this is who i am i just wanted to do this as an experience oh well you know and i remember talking to him after i he goes it was so weird that i was in there and doing this because you tried sometimes and i've always thought about it just got the macdonald's job for a family week but then quitting in an awesome way stinking like that no i'm not going to say none i'm never going to come back You want your check?

Not really. Give it the fucking McDonald's. Give it to Ronald McDonald's. She's fucking jerk off in the fries. It's so weird. The last couple of years since I travel and I see what America looks like and how different. Sometimes you got to do what the fuck you got to do, man. I think people...

God do what the fuck you got to do. It's just the reality. They don't even... It's not that they're not ambitious because a lot of the most of them, because they make $300 a week have to work two jobs. I don't think that many people are... Look up the amount of people in this country that are making... minimum wage. I'm trying to find it with this charge really small. I think that we are talking about

a very small percentage of people. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe. Can we get callers? If calling right now, 866-522 church. 866-522 church. And we want to know. We'll find out. I can't, all these charges. Okay. All right, all right. About 1.7 million earned below the federal wage minimum. I don't be going to hear the sirens, but it sounds like Joey just left to go fight cops. He does fight. Come on, Coxuggers. I'm doing a podcast. I think it's, okay, so there's 3.3% of the hourly paid workers.

So, yeah, okay, so it's 3.3% of the population. 3.3%. Yeah. That's still a lot of people, though. That's what's how many people on the population. Give you the number. people because here's the thing it's 3.3% of the population makes minimum wage okay 78.2 okay in 2015 78.2 million workers aged 16 and older in the United States were paid at hourly

rates representing 58.5% of all wages and salary workers among those paid by the hour 870,000 earned exactly the federal minimum wage and the 1.7 had wages below the federal minimum wage you know what that's not that's fine 78 million not that many people it's bad out there you said something very interesting you worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken

how old were you I was 16 to like like a year and a half two years if your son comes to you when he's 15 and goes dad I want to con two years I want a Camaro what are you going to say to

you're going to go work in Kentucky Fried Chicken whatever you make put away I'll match it would you say something like that yeah probably that's what I would do how fucking crazy is that

that that Listen, man, you always want the best for your children. You sit there and you go, for some reason I'm very cautious about this. When my mom died, there was nothing. I thought there was millions and there was nothing. My mom was still married. So he got no will. He gets first dabs.

That's crazy. The same thing, my parents are both dead. Crazy. I hear about people getting an inheritance, and I'm like, inheritance. I got fucking. I lost. I just lost. You always want to prepare.

I watch people get that. I'm like, oh, you gain something. Like, I'm kind of jealous in a weird way when people, family members die. But you always want to prepare for your child. You always go, you know what, let me prepare for her? In case I drop dead doing fucking jujitza doing bong hits or stars at death

with these two fucking savages. And then you start thinking about realities. Okay, what do you want your child to do? I always think about, can I take mercy to 148th Street and drop her off at fucking Mr. Gomez's house for the weekend so she could stay with the son? Could I do this? I trust you.

Yeah. But could they do what we were doing 20 years ago? Walk down the Riverside Drive, open to the bridge, Walk back around Broadway, walk up to 150th Street, go to block parties. Would you trust your child to do that at 10 like I did? Right. I don't know anymore. No.

Not 10. I was doing it at fucking six. No way. Six. I was walking around. Walking the Riverside Drive crossing across Broadway. I used to live on a, and up in Washington Highston. There's fucking like literally children.

like two, three-year-old kids out there with no parents. Like an older brother will be there. Like, but that older brother is like seven or eight. But I'm talking about like two in the morning, three in the morning. And you go, you're like, all right, dude, well, this is, I'm talking right now, those kids, if they don't end up selling drugs and being criminals, if they don't, then that is a fucking miracle. Good for that guy who gets out of that because it's nearly impossible. If that's what you're growing up in, just in the fucking hood.

There's no way. There's no fucking way. How is that up there now? It's bad still, dude. Up in the heights, there's little pockets. are nice but here's the thing the further you get away from centralized Manhattan like whatever borough it is it's it's it's it's so I get off the bus from Jersey on the George Washington Bridge can I still get weed and coke right in that area is not on the

street as much too because they clean up the streets a lot you'd have to like you look like a fucking cop there's no way I will you look you look like you walked right off a loan order and you'd be trying to buy drugs to me there's no way you wouldn't get it I wouldn't get it no you'd have to be like a Puerto Rican kid or a Dominican kid or you'd have to know somebody. You'd have to live in that area and have a guy that you know. But all they'd have to see is you go to the store

two or three days in a row. You know, you buy blunt wraps. You know, they see you. You say what's up a few times. You'll be fine after like a few days. But there's nothing on the streets. Like when I left there in the 80s. There is, but there's like,

there's hood guys that are like hustling. Not even just in the hood. Like you'll go time school. You'll be more likely to go down to like West Fourth Street by the comedy seller or like, you know, you know, Union Square area. If you walk around Union Square at night and a weekend, they'll be like black dudes or Puerto Rican dudes

will walk around like, oh, you want weed, you want coke. You can get it from those guys, but you got to kind of like just get lucky and pass one of those dudes. But there's not really dudes that are... Nobody dependable. If you live in the hood, yes, there's guys that are hanging out and fucking stairwells that you can go to, but you've got to live there.

You can't just walk up by yourself. There's no way. It's changed a lot. Yeah. I could buy... I could get off 178 Street, walk three blocks. in the direction 30 years ago, 20 years ago, and buy a gun.

That's great. Coke, heroin, weed. I didn't know meth or anything like that. I wouldn't know the first step to get a gun. The first step. All right. So you walk off back in those days, this is how easy. This is how crazy it was.

In those days, you walked off Port Authority, you walked on to Broadway. and, you know, I'm going to fuck up the streets. You get off on 178, 106. You walk two blocks, and they used to be on the corner. There was a Cuban place. And I would go in there, sit down, you know, talk to people, like just talk. How come what I do?

I'd order and eat. And then from there, I would walk around the block to that park. There's a park right there. I'm not good with names. This is, I bought a few guns there in 85. And then I bought and sold a few guns there in 93. So it was like you could just like walk up and it was almost like a, walk up, almost like a pawn shop.

What I do, they're playing basketball out there. And they used to be a handball court. And I always tell people, somebody told me this. 30 years ago, they want to buy a gun, go to a handball court. Because they're all ex-felons out there playing handball. It's not like, you know, every once in a lot, cops get out there and play handball. But besides that, it's a shitty, it's a shitty sport. It's a shitty sport.

but that's what you learned to play in prison so you talk shit, you want to hype it. Is that where a hamburger was prison? I don't know. I don't know the fucking history of Hamburg's dog. I'm just telling you that fucking, you know. But I used to go there in the mid-80s because the word on the street was

if you had a car and you wanted to get rid of it, you got off like you were going to the West Side Highway and then you got off. And right under there, it used to be a bridge and there was a street that oval. Dog, in those days, they did it pull up your car there. So that street was connected to that park.

The people who ran that park ran that street. I'm going to walk home from the basketball court, they would take the cars. That was their last mission of the day. They would take the cars and sell them. You would just drop your car off, come back tomorrow. Your car was guaranteed gone in the Bronx,

chopped up by fucking three immigrants on its way to fucking Saudi Arabia. Yeah. That's the truth. That's the truth. So it was all connected So somebody told me, yeah, just go to the park If you want to buy a piece

And one day I went over now I bought it 22 for like 55 bucks It must have shot 80 people This gun was good It was good It was loud What was the one movie where they That's how many bodies are on the guy Yeah that's what the list

It was like juice or one of those If you buy a gun on the street You want it to be fucking heavy duty You want this is the gun that killed Kennedy But don't I thought the less The less bodies on it the more valuable the gun was because then the less the cops are looking for this gun

well the cops are looking for this gun so they catch you they're gonna pin you with 18 murders so you better get it and shoot the motherfucker quick kill somebody throw it into a only thing that's good about this gun is that don't miss this is how fucking ghetto people are though that like you bought it for 50 bucks right you shoot somebody you're gonna probably sell it back to him for 25 bucks so why would you just get rid of it why even waste your time throw it into the fucking I shoot somebody with a gun I do something bad like I did something once with a gun that was brand new. $600 with this gun. I threw it away.

Yeah, you got it. Done. How do they, couldn't you just throw gun, how many guns you think are just in the fucking... Hudson River? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Right under the bridge, people who just shot somebody and they're driving over, they just throw it. You go right where the bridge ends.

You got a stick. You got a bunch of divers to just drop. They'll pick up machine guns, fucking grenades, fucking submarines. I'm scared of this. Nuclear missiles. Oh, my God.

I see things in the Hudson that would make you die. A body pops up in the Hudson every fucking day. Yeah. Something from his body has to decompose into the water. Yeah. The fungi toenail, the fucking armpit rash. Something had that. That water is a stress.

Oh, no shit. Yeah, 914. Yeah, dude. Fuck it. It was 845 now. But back then, yeah, there's 911. When I grew up, it was 914. The Puerto Ricans would come down and jump into the...

Hudson River. Off the Penny Bridge and Stony Point. Oh my God. Oh my God. We used to fucking literally jump off that bridge when the only when the high tie were coming because when the low tide was coming, you'll break your fucking legs. But when the high tie was in, there was a certain time of day, you would jump off the penny bridge. But then they also had like fucking wooden plank so people would like shred up their legs jumping off this thing. But that's the type of fucking boredom you had when you were 12 in the suburbs of New York.

You, that you're looking for crazy shit to do. So it's almost a weird balance because no matter where you raise your kid, whether it's a city or a suburbs, you have to worry. about your kid fucking either becoming a drug addict or fucking killing themselves because of boredom? Well, here's the beauty of this. And this is no, years ago, Rogan said to me, got stuck on an airport one day. And he saw these people jumping up and down. And he goes, you know, they were Cuban. And he goes, it made me think of you and put a smile on my face because I got to see what

you were really about. He goes, there was eight of them. And they were having a fucking parade at the terminal. Yeah. Like they were taking over the terminal. They had music on. They were dancing. In the 80s, it's not a joke.

But in the 80s, when you grow up in the suburbs of New York, Brooklyn, the Bronx, Queens, you know, the Hudson River is like fucking South Beach. Do you know what I'm saying? So even if you watch Copeland, there's a scene where a black couple yell at Stallone. They go, hey, man, you motherfuckers are racist and shit. And that was, that's every weekend.

because to them they don't want to go down to Jersey shore they don't want to go to nice beats to them and Puerto Ricans were the best they would pull up like with a fucking four-door car right with tinted windows and all of them the four doors are open and 19 people walk out but then the trunk would pop open and out of that trunk dog they pulled out two coolers

a pig four conga drums it was on and they would take that little corner they would clean the fucking grill off and they'd go fish In the Hudson. Oh yeah, we go fishing, are you crazy? You want to see Lucy's family? I grew up fishing in the Hudson.

That's not even weird. And take fishes out. That shit is the word, that's worse than Katrina fish. Do we go crabbing in the Hudson? We go fishing in the Hudson? Yeah, what do you think fucking, how many bodies are we were just talking about? You got metal poisoning? I went bald and 18.

That's why. My hair started to fall out. One time I went fishing. My gums bleed. Me, Mike Asked Lisa, and his dude Johnny Lopez, that was crazy. He used to shoot cats and dogs. dogs are neighbor. This whole family was crazy.

The mother was on cancer, and they used to sell her pills, her pain pills. They were $55 a piece. They were called tumour. I mean, they're just a crazy family. Nice people, though. I like them.

He took his fishing. He took me and Devo fishing one time, the Hudson River. And we're out there. We got a couple six, eight packs. We're drinking, we're smoking, no drugs. And we're fishing. And all of a sudden, Devo pulls out this fucking fish.

Like, this. Eel. Yeah. Tons of eels in the Hudson River. Yeah, I did. You catch eels in your line all the time. You let him go. He slit the heart out and we ate it.

We ate the fucking heart like three assholes. Dude, I'll tell me now. Ever since that, I think we cracked all words. Americans, I'll tell you this much. I don't even know what it is. We've at least nailed the not eating weird parts of animals. Because in every other culture, they fucking eat everything, dude.

It's disgusting. That heart lit, like, oh. An eel? You've been a tall. tongue? Oh, Cubans could cook a tongue dog. I ate rabbit once and it fucked me up a little bit. All that shit fucked me up. Lamb, all that shit. Can I tell you why? Because it's so, I had a little leg, right? It was like nothing. Frog too. Same thing. These little dainty things. You're like, dude, you're killing a fucking animal. It doesn't matter that it's smaller. I get that you get more

meat. I mean, you're taking the life of this animal, right, for almost nothing, for like a bite of meat. We're not primitive. It's not like we're just fucking catching something. There's no reason to do that. say they ate frog. If somebody comes at me and goes, oh my God, we had frog for dinner. I want a back candy in the mouth because who would eat the fucking frog? I did in Puerto Rico.

I did rabbit and frog because I wanted to try it. Yeah, one time my fucking wife eats our, uh, what are those people, those lizards, not lizards. My wife's family eats those fucking squirrels. That's crazy. They're from Tennessee. And they get squirrel and barbecue with barbecue sauce.

Yeah. They eat the legs and shit. Whatever. To each his own. I'm like, you know, I like brain. Bro, when I was a kid, stop fucking with the mic, one of the best things my wife,

my mom used to make when I was, like, Puerto Ricans cook baccalaito frito. Those little fish fucking, smelly fish, right? Fish that's grinded down. They deep fry it with flour. And they get all, they come bacalito frito.

But my mom used to make those things, but baccala, she used to make frita decessu. So we're, some animals brains. Oh. And she would take the shield door,

fucking soak them an egg, flour them, slice them thin, and deep fry those motherfuckers with some lemon on it. When I was a kid, I watched the honeymoon. Fuck, yeah, delicious. You ate them. I would make believe.

I didn't even know what the fuck they were. But she would cook them so. Well, you don't know what they were. Oh, no, I knew what they were. She would slice them so thin and cook them that both sides were just like a half inch apart. So you never even tasted the brain.

You just tasted the crispy stuff. I ate a fucking spicy tuna roll when I was 11 and I almost puked. That was like the most exotic thing that I ever had my entire life. You eat sushi now? Yeah, I love it. Oh, please. That's all right. I fucking love it.

I'll eat sushi. I ate sushi last night. Don't eat sushi with this fucking dude. I went to sushi last night with Bruce Buffer. He told us to go to that place, Katana right next to the comedy store. Yeah. How much you drop, 280? Dude, it was fucking crazy.

He was that we were bringing him. We told them that before. We should have told them afterwards. Dude, he fucking. He killed you. Dude, he killed us. The voice of the UFC fucking beat us down.

What did you drop in there? Like $400 some dollars. I wasn't even drinking. Oh, no. You can't drink in there. I made the mistake of taking somebody there once on business and they ordered three little steak sticks. That's delicious.

That's what it was for eating those. Those things are like 20 apiece. I know. And you're watching it. Lee, forget it. I'm watching Bruce Buffer just fucking eat four of them just eat one plate at a time. Every time he eats when you're like, I hope he's going to suck my dick.

He said, this is a girl, at least you would suck. Go ahead, have another one. And every time they eat one or they mangle it like a joint, you're like, go ahead, go ahead. I'll fucking break your finger. You better eat that. Let me get another three of those. Oh, my God. You know who took me there one time, Joe Rogan?

Oh, shit. And Joe Rogan, this got to be eight years ago, ten years ago. Oh, man. We were at the store. We were starving. He goes, you want sushi? I go, Joe, I got $8 in my pocket. What do I give a fuck?

I'm not going to lie. I thought we were going to pink dot to get a sandwich. I had enough for a sandwich and a nice tea. He's like, no, I want to go get sushi. I go, don't go, don't go in there, I got $8. He goes, I don't give a fuck, come on. I looked at the menu. They were like $20 for three, right?

How much for three sticks? No, no, it's more than that. It was, I don't know what it was. I think they were like $9 each stick or $12 each stick. First fucking time you ordered three table, three dishes of them. My heart just sunk. I'm like, I don't know. I hope I don't get to have this check.

Yeah. And then he started ordering sarkis and soups. And I'm looking at this and I'm playing 12s, 18. It's just crazy. It's just 18. Every 12-24s. And I'm getting more and more embarrassed. No, no, no.

I don't like that shit at all. Listen, down the corner is a great little sushi spot, Bruce Buffer. It's 1299. All you can eat. Take your chances. There's literally one like across the street. Oh, my God. It's something like Hollywood sushi or something like that.

Oh, my God. We get to spend $40. I love eating good, but there's some places you just avoid. You know, when I say to you, let's go out to dinner, let's go out to dinner. Once you start ordering those $12 cocktails, my leg starts tapping. Yeah. You know, after I count the second one, I'm like, what the fuck are we going for here? This is just 80 in cocktails.

I've never seen that because I don't drink. Yeah. I don't like, my friend has got a sister that they go, her and her husband, boyfriend, go out every night. They go on Facebook. They're always drinking a pale ale from this place. Yeah. And she just had to take another part-time job. And I go, that's because they're drinking.

They cannot be surviving on what they're making. Drinking every now. It's pretty crazy, dude. It's crazy. Being a comedian, it was easy because you're not paying for shit. But how people could go out and be an alcoholic and go out to bars every night is beyond me. Now, they're still dive bars in the city, correct? You go into $4.

Dives. I mean, very few. When I started drinking in New York City, I was 20 years old. We started going to a place called the Village Idiot on 14th Street and 9th Avenue. And that place was fucking. garbage like it stunk like you walk in and it's smell you can smell the bathroom place down the corner from there across the street good fellas pizzas that's still there um but this place was a fucking like the type of place where all the bartenders were just fucking in bar in bras but they were like trashy

they weren't even hot they were just fucking like slutty chicks and uh it was like peanut shells all of the floor but it was it was five dollars and fifty cents for a butt ice pitcher a pitcher and then it was uh two dollar shots of like well whiskey so we would get you guys get fucking an, literally $20 you walk in, you're annihilated, dude. Just fucking annihilated. And we were just getting to fights. We would fuck chicks in the bathroom. It was like the craziest time.

So yeah, I guess that, but I don't know any place that's like that in New York City where it's cheap, like legitimately cheap. There used to be a place called Manhattan Honda. Is that close to that 14th? I think it's 14th and 8th. See where Manhattan Honda is, Lee, if it's still there. And I used to have a friend that worked at Manhattan Honda, so he would tell you. me if you're ever in the city come over and say hello we'll go have a cocktail and then I had a

girlfriend who lived across the street so it was like stealing I'd go see her and then I'd go meet corky and we'd walk down to this bar that was where is it 11 11 yes it was close to this dealership yeah the car dealership you really is it funny all of your references about New York are based off of where car dealerships are this guy worked there so he introduced me to a certain that part of New York he knew all those bars and shit So one night me, my buddy the gearhead, who's now a freeholder in North Bergen, and that guy, I met him over there, and we went for a drink. And we go to this place on, it had to be, I don't know, if that's 11th and whatever, this is two blocks away either or. And it's like that bar, shells on the floor, a little stage, a bartender who was hooked on crack, just got out of rehab.

She just picked up the shift because she walked in here. It's with that movie, Coyote Ugly, or the bar is like, it's like, it's like, it's like, like a tourist trap, but that's what it kind of pretends to be. Okay, right, right. This place was really that. This place was only packed on the weekends, and it was like a couple, like, college students that were probably doing heroin and shit like that.

I'm in there one night, and there's this black chick that you could tell she sucked a thousand dicks. Yeah. But she's at the ball working it, Jack. She got half a titty's out. And the black dude sits next to her, and that song comes on.

What's your man got to do with me? I got him. You ever hear of a song? I'm not trying to woodchered. And he just starts yelling at it. And he's trying to work her at the bar. And she's saying no. And that song comes on.

I never forget this. I'm on the other end, fucked up. There's pizza shells everywhere. Some chicks getting, you can't go in the men's bathroom because some shit's fucking in there. Yeah. It was crazy this place.

I don't know. You described something close to it. But all I remember is this guy kept saying, what's your man got to do with me? What's your man got to do? do with me what's your man got to do with me i said fuck it i gotta get the fuck out of it yeah what's your man got to do with me i miss all that part of new york yeah it's it's fucking it's hard now man especially it's so funny because comedians in the beginning there's no money at all like at all

it's nearly impossible to make anybody doing comedy in the beginning so it's like you're in the tough the best place to do it is new york city or l a but to be honest i like i think new york city to begin and to learn how to do comedy i think that's one of the best ways to do it's more There's more places. You know, so freedom. Yeah, yeah. So I think like it's just kind of a weird, ironic thing that it's such an expensive city to live in.

Just the cost of living is so expensive. But then there's no money for the first few years. So you're just struggling. You can't breathe for the first few years doing comedy in New York. Well, here's the deal. So you got a really fucking one. I went to New York for nine months in 93. And I was rocking and rolling within two or three weeks.

What is rocking and rolling me? I was doing five sets a week. There were 13 comics in the room. Yeah. You know? But for where I had come from, from Colorado, it was dick. Oh, yeah. That's fucking crazy.

And if all you care about is stage time and fucking, you know, then that's it, dude. Oh, yeah. But I always found the way to make a pretty good living. And I wasn't selling drugs. Like a part of the thing. How were you making money when you were in New York City? Okay. I got hooked up.

A friend of mine hooked me up. At the time, it was called Virginia. Can I think a piss, dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead, take your time. Lee Syatt. Yes, sir. What's up, cocksucker?

Oh, my goodness. First off, I'd like to thank CISO TV for putting my special on that. I don't know if you guys know it. We were the number one all-time premiere special, and this is thank to you guys, man. You guys help me out with this. I really needed this for C-Sos, and, you know, everybody's happy. You guys made my fucking year, so.

Thank you very much for being very loyal. And, you know, I love you guys with all my heart and all that shit. So that's worked out. Well, I got him in there. Let me give us some shoutouts real quick. First off, I want to shout out, again, to the Dead Squad and Church families for really coming together from Bobby Sharon and Crystal right now. They're listening right now with Viewing Party to Kyle Wallace,

to Dustin and Oasis, to Jason. I don't fucking know. Silverback Surfer, David Nalasko, Ratliff 307, Seiko, Uki-Spooky, Tracy, the church family, Kern Michael, who came to three fucking shows, you know, everybody who supported the podcast, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart, man. Thank you very much for everything you've done for us.

And that's all I wanted to tell you right now. I wanted to take that and tell you that you made my fucking year. This is the best Christmas present I've ever had. Thank you very much. I'm fucked up too, Lee. Don't feel too bad. No, I'm a little fucked up. What?

What? What is it? I'm not super fucked up. Yeah. You're ready for another one? Let's do it. All right. This will put us at what?

16. 16 motherfucking hundred kilometers of debt. Catch it. What are you looking away for? You want one? Yes. You're going to go for 600. Come on, guys.

You're already cross-side when you're talking to this. Come on, guys. I think you guys, you think that I, I'm a pussy. I've been smoking almost every day since I was almost 18 years old. Listen, this hits you a different way. Yeah. And if you're not used to these, if you eat 600 and walk out of here, oh my God, you're a legend.

You're a fucking legend. No, shut up. Oh, please, you're a legend. You walk out of here with 600. I'll walk out. I'll walk out with a thousand. I will do. No, you won't.

No, you won't. I swear to God. I swear to God. No, you won't. You'll get a call that they got to call the hospital. No, that's ridiculous. Because you get anxiety attacks. yeah bro.

No way. I'll tell you, the amount of T.HC. I've taken the amount of T. Falk you. It's just a drug. No, I know. Is it not the T.Hs?

Does not affect you the same way that smoking it affects you? No. No. Not even close. I don't know the science behind it, but I'm telling you right now, it's just T.H.C.

Now? Call Joe Rogan. He'll tell you an hour. It turns to something else in your liver, and it becomes hallucinogenicic. And you fucking ass Owen Benjamin,

asked Red Band when he called the ambulance twice. No. Yeah, he had to pull over on the one-on-a-way. How many have to pull over? This was years ago when it first started the craze. Nobody really knew. Nobody really knew what exactly it did to you.

So you would pop one. Interesting question. No, not interesting. Interesting before. It's funny because ever since the last week, I've really been thinking about 1993 in my life. That was a really deciding factor in my life to why I got here. That was the first decision.

Big year. Well, what happened was I got divorced. I was broke. I was out of options and I had to move back to New York. And I really wanted to do comedy. Like I was doing comedy about a year and a half, but part time. I was doing it like here and there to pick up a fucking blow job or whatever. I really had to do-

Because I remember my first year of doing comedy, I pretended it that I didn't want to do comedy. I was just hosting shows. And I was like, I don't really sure. No, I wasn't even host. I was doing three minutes here, two minutes here, three minutes here. Yeah. I was inconsistent. I wouldn't write, blah, blah, blah.

When I went to New York, I went out at night. But immediately when I went to New York, I got a job dropping off packages for, it's amazing. Like how much hustle there was back that. There was a job dropping off packages, hello packages to businesses for like AT&T. I forget Virginia and something. It was like an AT&T division at that time.

I had that job for like two, three months. And then the kid goes, you know what? We're going to switch it to Brooklyn. I didn't want to go to Brooklyn every day. Like they were going to move zones. I was with them towards the end of New Jersey and all of Manhattan and up in Manhattan. There was three or four of us. They paid us $400 a week.

And all we had to do is drop our $20 packages, bro. Like, it wasn't hard at all. And then I went on them backstage. Is that still out in New York? Entertainment pay? All those things are kind of dying now because of the Internet. The Internet. So put those things.

It's out there. Yeah, yeah. But those things had jobs. all catered to comedians and actors. Yeah, yeah. Selling, making insurance appointments. What are you fucking kidding me? They give you 10 an hour and 25 an appointment and 35 more.

They sell the fucking insurance. You know, stupid shit. Yeah. But you're making a living dog. Yeah. But you got to focus on it. You got to focus on it. You got a fucking focus on it.

I was like, 17-year-old dude. I had a fuck. It was like a whole like 30 fucking telemarketers in a room just calling up old people trying to get them to, it's like refinancing their mortgages. But our whole goal, and I have no idea it was a shodiest business,

was to get their social security number. You get their social security number, you got $12, you got $12, you got $8. So we were literally just, we were destroying these old people's lives. And they had teenagers doing it. We didn't give a fuck, dude. Because you get that $12, every time, $12.

So if you were good, I was a monster. I just knew numbers, dude, there's a ratio, boom, play the ratios. Keep on going, keep on going, keep on going, keep on going. And I was just dialing like a monster. motherfucker. It was an awesome job, but I know that I ruined probably three or 400 people's lives completely.

Old people, probably a few suicides in there. It's fucking families just losing it all. I don't know what they did with the Social Security numbers. It wasn't good. No, no. There's before the internet, so nobody could look it up, dude. There was no, like, it was the Better Business Bureau at the time. Like, there was internet at this time, but it was like, you'd have to, like, go to the

Better Business Bureau website and look up to see if somebody took a claim. Now there's fucking Yelp for everything. So you could easily find out if somebody's shady in terms of business. But back then, you could fucking, people were just crushing it. Oh, it's amazing. I sit here some time. You were talking about lighters before and stealing stupid shit. For a long time when I was in my real loser fate of life, my mentality was, if you're that stupid to leave it, I'm going to steal it.

Yeah. Which is a horrible mentality. Well, not so much. But somebody learns a lesson. Yeah. I think if you get away. with it. I figure what there was a movie where they talked about that. It was a great scene of the movie, but it was like,

if you can get away with it, that's your payment. You know what I'm saying? Which I kind of, there's like a, you know, the, you know, an honor, honor and thievery type of mentality, which I kind of, I always like, in a movie, like, I always kind of root for the thieves and like, you know, that always kind of plays to me in a word way. I grew up fucking,

like I told you, my mom would, my mom would teach me to steal fucking testers when we go to Baxter's pharmacy and she'd be like, yeah, yeah, go and like, take me like the perfume testers. And if they catch you, tell them it's my birthday and just start crying. It was embedded in my head when I was like six and seven years old. That's like some crazy fucking...

No, my mom didn't like buying nothing unless it was stolen. It's crazy. Like unless somebody brought her something stolen from a truck. Yeah. I don't want nothing. I don't want nothing. It's funny that I just gonna fucking tell you something and I forgot what the fuck it was. God damn it. It's funny that you said that before.

I, you know, you just had these wild fantasies as a father and what you want for your child, you know? Yeah. And I sit here some times ago, you know, I said that statement, Lee, because, first of all, I'm going to talk her into, like I would talk your son into Lee. Well, he's 17, and he comes to me and goes Uncle Joe, you think I should be on the fucking radio like, you and my dad, I'm like, oh, fuck, no. It was a different time then, you know, there was hookers and shit. Now, I'm going to go, you know, maybe go to college, but not right now. I want you to learn something first.

I want you to learn about people. I want you to learn about human nature. And I think the best thing to teach somebody about that is belly to belly sales. Yeah. Belly to belly sales makes you realize this bullshit is out there. I'm going out to my car for my license. I'll be right back. What happened to that guy?

He'd say, are you that stupid? Are you that fucking moronic? No, but he said, don't believe nobody. And then you really learn about society. And after a year, come back to me in a year that you keep one job steady for one year. You don't give a fuck. You're just going to grind it out. Yeah.

There's nothing better out there. It's just a job. You're going to live at home. You're going to eat at home. I'll even give you a little fucking extra spend. I'll make your car payment. Do this for a year. Yeah.

And I help you out. You can bank your money and I'll give you a 50. You know what I'm saying? Like, just so they learn what's out there before. Listen, man, most people, and even me, as fucking slick as I thought I was, when I was going to college, once you decide,

You got to do something with your life. It's fucking scary. We've had this conversation before, Lee. Four years is over, bitch. Four years is over. The diploma, you got to become a five beta caper. You got your dick suck. Now you got to go find the fucking job.

It's fucking scary out there. I almost feel like it's starting over. You go to find the job. Now you've got to go through four years. Now you have to learn how to find a job. You learn how to find a job. Then learn the end. You've got to start from the bottom of that fucking job.

Then it's like 10 years later, you've wasted your whole life on some fucking job you hate. Now you're 28th. to 30 years old, you waste your whole life, you're like, holy shit, dude, I fucking hate this, and this is what I have to do. That's what sucks about the school model and that fucking thing. I would encourage my kid to be an entrepreneur. I would encourage my kid to fucking, you know, not necessarily like, you know, I want him to like come to me. Here's the thing, right? He's in preschool right now. This is what I love about his preschool. It's like a play-based preschool

and they have all these stations set up when he walks in. And the idea is he goes to what he wants to do and then the teachers come around to these different stations with the kids and they kind of as the kids are playing uh they kind of inject the lessons about math and reading and the different things that they can do around what the kids are kind of interested in so it's a it's a pretty progressive kind of cool way of teaching these little kids and I think that's kind of a microcosm for for kind of how I want my kid to like look at life and how he how he does things and chooses to do things in life like do what you want to do you'll figure out how to make the money around it's an old stupid fucking saying you know do what you love and the money

follow. But it's legitimately a real thing and I kind of believe that, you know? I believe it too. But in terms of the sale... It takes a lot of courage to believe it. It takes a lot of courage to sell it to people, but if you dive into something and you

hold heartily dive, like when I dove into stand-up dog, I bought it. I bought the whole flag. I knew what my... I got a job at a comedy club and asked the comics questions and even though they all said you don't want to do this, you don't want to do that. I knew, that what they were avoiding.

And that's why they're somewhere else now. I was never scared of work or hard work. I knew that for four years. You've got to live like a nomad. What does that mean? You can't have much. That's it. Can't have much.

Well, it's like comedy college. It's comedy college. You go out there. There's very few people, you know, there's like two or three that make any money before that, like, you know, like it's not even an exaggeration. There's very, it just doesn't happen. So you're paying your dues,

but that's what I was saying before about being in New York. because that's a fucking tough place to pay your dues. L.A. is great, dude. Pay your dues out here, you fucking, it's beautiful weather, wrench cheap. Yeah, but everywhere you're going to pay your dues is tough. I paid my dues in Denver and in Seattle. You know, I mean, the beginning, you're just an open micer. Both of those places have legal weed now, which is kind of interesting.

That's fucking crazy. So back then, you know what it's kind of fun of you know. I started in Denver, and I was an open micer. And then after three or four months, you're like, fuck this job. Yeah. You're like, fuck this job. I want to be a comedian.

And then you go into this life of death. It just becomes zero. I was living off my credit cards. And then once they want to ride, Mr. Gomez, I was fucked. Yeah. And I started hustling. I learned how to put together hustles.

Like one of the hustles that you said to me, what did you do in Jersey League? Take notes, bitch. My buddy Ashway came to me. And he goes, die. I'm going to buy a car. You could use it.

What I want you to do is pay me off the car. I'm buying it for $200. You could use it around Jersey. Don't take it into the city. I'm going to get insurance for here, but it's your car pretty much. He goes, I want you to become partners with me on my breakfast. He goes, think about it and let me know what you're thinking.

I ask them money. He goes, I got people coming in, but I really want to build my delivery service. What do you think? And I thought about it for a week. I went back, I was doing comedy. And I was really into the comedy scene. I wasn't getting nowhere, dog.

I was just bombing in New York every night. You paid $3 to give you a drink ticket. But in those people, some places, you had to bring people in those days. Some places, as long as you brought to $3 and you got the drink ticket, they didn't give a fuck of you bought. And that's what I did. I just zipped into places, did six minutes bomb. And I would ask myself, what the fuck am I doing with my life?

I said, the one thing that's cool now is in New York, there's a whole open mic community where there's no fee, nothing like that. You just go up. And they support each other. No, that's, I knew it would grow. At this time, it was still a lot of clubs, a lot of action, seven nights a week that were fucking 10 open mics in New York and all the five barrels.

It's tremendous. Jersey, I would go to this fucking St. Rocco's play. I mean, it was just great, you know. But I wasn't getting nowhere. I was spinning my fucking wheels. It was the beginning, you know. So I said, I got to figure out a way how to make a fucking living, too. In those days, it was 25 a gram for a cut and 35 for uncut.

It's cut. Right on 178 Street. Weed was 10 and $5 still. I wasn't doing bad with that either because all I had to do was go over the bridge for people and shit like that. So I figured out a way to get, I went into Hashway one day and I go, dog, I need for you to pay me $8 and now

to make phone calls. And I called all the, I went in the yellow pages and I got all the businesses in the area. I got in the car and I would, any place that was a mile away, body shops, anything. and I went in and go, let me get your faxed them. I'm going to fax your menu every day. And every day I'd get there at fucking 9.30.

And I'd start faxing numbers. Just press. It was one sheet. You just press the numbers. And I'd be there for 30 minutes. And dog, next thing you know, order started coming in. He went from three deliveries a day to 10 to 15 to 25. What's the soup of the day?

It was my own fucking department. You know, I was walking out of that one time. I was in shock when I did the math now. I was making $80 a day in tips. That's $400 plus another fucking, you know, he was giving me another $2 or $300 a week. Yeah. I was making $2,800 delivering fucking sandwiches, though.

$2,800. That's great. And still wasn't paying my bills. And I was fucking doing open mics, and I was probably driving a limo. I had eight jobs at one time when I was in New York, when I was an open mic. I mean, that's just, I had a big nut,

and I had a big addiction. Yeah. And I had to pay rent. I had no car. I had the ashways car. And then I got a job driving limos because the guy gave me a fucking limo. It was tough, man. It's tough out there.

I can't imagine now where they've cut some of the hustles. You know, now what are you going to do if you just want to sell weed? See, an open micah could sell weed. I think the problem now is, like, people also that they get to keep on going on because everyone's online. Everyone's interconnected. Everyone knows what's going on. So people aren't, like, dropping off as much. And then also in New York now, it's not even like that.

It's not like 10 of Mike's. Now literally New York City, there's like, without even exaggeration. There's probably 200 shows going on tonight. If you count everything between all the five boroughs, easily. Now the comedy cell is packed. The stand is packed. The stand is packed. There's two rooms.

I got the village on a comedy cell of the village underground, which is packed. Huge room. Comedy seller. Village Underground is packed. The stand is packed. And then there's just a bunch of clubs. The New York Comedy Club. Gotham is packed.

Yeah, New York Comedy Club. Is that Al Martin still? Yeah, Al Martin's in New York. No, no, he sold the New York Comedy Club. He sold it, okay. He's Broadway still, and he's got another one right by the comedy cell called Greenwich Village. So, I mean, there's, there's, like, there's like 15 clubs, but then there's all of the other. There's independent rooms.

There's, like, another, like, 30, like, cool, like, independent bar shows that are, like, hip and, like, you know, the industry comes to. And then there's a bunch of shitty open mics and craziness. But, yeah, it's great. Dude, New York's a thriving place, but it's also a fucking shit. shit ton of comics that aren't doing anything. And it's like there's no barrier of entry, so it's just kind of like the competition just keeps on rolling in,

you know? Me, I'd rather, right now if I was an open mic, I'd go to Michigan, I'd go to Chicago. Develop an act. I'd go to Houston. Develop an act first, and then come and have... I go to Tempe. I go to Portland. I go to Seattle. There's so many markets that you could go in. You're still going to

struggle, but it's going to be a little easier struggle. You don't live with three dudes in a two-bedroom. You might have to live on the couch or under the stairway, but you're going to be a bar back three nights a week. And you're probably going to work in a movie theater. When you come to New York City or L.A., and I started in New York City, and I know, dude,

you're fucking starting off being somebody where everyone has their eyes on you is you're not good at comedy yet. You're not going to be good for a few years. So if you work for a few years outside of New York, get good and then come there, you have, you know, 15 minutes that you can impress people with, you're going to be in a good position. Well, Brody went to New York when he had 20 minutes 15 years ago.

You know, that was good. He was developing in Seattle. Mitch Hedberg already had an hour or two when he moved to New York. Yeah. You know, that's one thing. Here's the thing if you're good, you'll make an impression right away. Yes. I mean, people want, here's the thing, people want good comedy.

It's like, you know, and there's a lot of shit comedies. You kind of stand out when you're good in New York. What about just as a person? Like, not as a comedian. Is it still worth it to live in New York City? What do you as a person? Yeah, because it's always been... Depends on what you want to do.

Everyone's a fucking rock star in New York. The attitude in New York City is if a celebrity walks past you on the street, if you work in a fucking banker or the library, your attitude is like, who gives the shit? I don't give a fuck. Because the average banker thinks that they're the fucking rock star of their bank. You know what I'm saying?

So there's almost like you ain't shit type of attitude in New York City. So you almost have to kind of have that if you want to go there because I don't think anybody's going to New York City to kind of be happy and content with not making it, quote-unquote, in whatever industry you're going into. It's too high of a risk. Why wouldn't you just move to the suburbs and do something else, you know? Okay.

I see what you're saying. I mean, I don't really think I'm that cutthroat, but it's always been a dream of mine to live in New York City. So, I mean, I think eventually at some point I'm going to live there. Not really, no. I mean, I'm in the industry, but I'm not, I don't think I want to do stand-up. But I don't know. I ever since I was a kid visiting New York from Boston, it's just, I love Boston.

And it's, it's my home, but New York's a different feeling. New York, and as soon as you get, as soon, I remember getting, because I always used to take those buses, and they would drive through Harlem. And as soon as you get into Harlem, it's a different feeling. It only starts screaming because black people are approaching the bus. Oh, my God. Oh, it's terrifying. But, um. I had allusion to Grand Jammu and my family in New York.

I always liked the idea. walking around the upper west side holding hands and walking to the school like i did and doing spots then i got the reality that i couldn't afford to live on the upper west side so i have to live in middle new jersey somewhere which i wouldn't know you could afford to live in the upper west fuck no fuck no i can't know and i wouldn't do it not probably i don't listen man i think you do believe i'm not moving into a fucking apartment no well that's the thing you're not going to fucking have like i'm sure what you have out here is fucking no no no no i can't go back with you but you could for In reality, right, you got a daughter and a wife?

Is that it? Yeah, I need two, but, no, no, no. How many bedrooms? I need three bedrooms altogether. Okay, for a three-bedroom apartment, up or so, were you used to 88th and Broadway? Yeah, it's, I don't look it up. No, it won't be that much.

It'll be cheaper than that. No, no, no. For $6,000, $7,000. Yeah, that'll be closer to that. That's a big stress level to put yourself on the way. You're my age. You can find it for, you can find it for five if you really look. No.

Probably six, seven. Listen, man, I wouldn't want to put my side. I wouldn't want to start. the month minus seven for a fucking apartment. Yeah, it's expensive. With a rat downstairs and no, nah, nah, no, no, no, no. And the winter. I can't do it.

I'm thinking in terms of a one bedroom, which is like what I. Yeah, no, no, no. Check that price out, Lee, what it costs me on the average. Lee, what would you do in New York that? You just want to do, like, uh... I'm not, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I'm just saying... One day.

Yeah, eventually, like, it just seems like a place, the place to be. Like, I honestly thought I'm trying to... how I'm looking for these stats. No, it's okay. I honestly thought when I was going to college and I would end up in New York. I didn't think I'd be in L.A. But I got a job offer.

Yeah. Yeah, dude, I didn't fucking like New York at all when I first moved there. Really? Yeah, I would visit with my friends like once in a while when I was like in my teenage years and it was just too much, dude.

There's too much fucking craziness and too much noise. But then you start to realize that that's only like Times Square. Like, that's not like... Oh, yeah, I hate Times Square. Time Square is the worst. You go to fucking, you know, little, like, cool areas. You go to Chelsea or, like, you know, House Kitchen or, like, you know, Lower East Side.

There's, like, cool, like, pockets that aren't, like, chaotic like that. But, yeah, dude, it's fucking... I don't know, man. New York City is a fucking... I don't know if I want to raise my kid for the rest of my life in New York City, so... Okay, like, that's the thing. I don't think you could... I mean, granted, these are just my opinions without having a kid.

But I don't know if you could raise a kid in the city. so that's why if I did it it would be before I had kids that's why I'm No you can I do raise a kid in the city We currently live in the city We're the kid Is it harder? It's way hard

I mean dude I'll tell you right now Like not driving like Do what here's the thing When I live in New York City with a child You gotta leave a half an hour early For everything that you would just do alone Just fucking walk a dude He walks and you can't fucking

Like my mom I probably would have just drag me And fucking Grabbing my leg And drag me down the street like a caveman but you can't do that you know so you literally

gonna walk your fucking kid and he's now in an age where he just is too big for me to put him on my shoulders because he's like almost four he's it's big too um so yeah it's a lot harder man

you know it's also like it's like kind of fucking dirtier like you know I got up my hand I don't want my kid's hand on a fucking guardrail on this New York City subway I just thought about the money

I thought about the winter time I thought about the nut I would have to make I thought about to drive to Kennedy Airport or Newark or whatever and I thought about my life here that you know I'd have to move Lee out at first to do the podcast find him in the fucking apartment you know you know they'd just be so they would be living in fucking oh Lee would love on a couch in Coney Island yeah Lee would live in Coney Island I would have to live on a couch

these prices are but are ridiculous and you look at what nut you have to make it you have to be realistic I'm not dirty fucking oh my god that was 32 you could sell me a boat about anything and I would think about and go now I know what that nut is I know what that nut is I know what that nut is at the beginning of the fucking month and I know what the fucking cabs are there's something about um there's something about like the quote I almost feel like mentally I really mean this and then you know this with sales too so like let's say you had a sales goal right whatever the sales goal was for the month right just typically you know if they made the sales goal let's say five more units that month

the next month, you hit it, you hit the goal. You know what I'm saying? So if the nut needs to be bigger, I just think with a sales mentality, you would just make a bigger nut. No, I agree with you. I would do that. I've been doing that all my life.

That's not the problem. I don't think it would change your life. The problem would be. I'm paying 7 Gs for a fucking apartment. Is it 7 Gs? It's 3 Gs a month that could be going into an account for my daughter. Okay, so there's downtown, Midtown, Upper West Side. Upper West Side.

Upper West Side. Okay, and you want a three-bedroom? Yeah. A walk up starts at 6,000. Oh, walk up. And an elevator doorman starts. It's $72,000 just to pay rent. 8 grand for an elevator.

You want an elevator doormand, dude. You don't want to fucking walk up. No, that's what I'm saying. I dream about walking up fucking flights and steps. That's what I do every fucking day, Gomez. I walk around going, you know what? I'm going to move out of here because there's no fucking steps. I want to walk up full flights of fucking steps.

I see steps. I get anxiety. No, they hate it's healthy. And healthy for some people. I don't like stairs. I see stairs and ruins my appetite. That's the other thing about New York City, dude. Fuck that shit.

In the summertime, it's in Augustly. Oh, dude. It's fucking 98 degrees. It's humid as fuck. There's dirt in the air. You can't breathe. You got to walk up subway steps. Sometimes you find, you hit a certain thing where you're like deep in Brooklyn.

You realize you got to walk up like four flights of stairs on the subway in the summer. It's fucking awful, dude. And then you got to do it with a baby. Now, imagine you got a three-year-old that you got to carry up these fucking stairs. It's craziness. No, thank you. 53. 8 G's a month.

So when I look at something now, I have to look at it for the family. How's this effect the family? I have friends that have kids, and they've put themselves in holes, and I look at them and I go, how can you put yourself in this hole? Yeah.

To be cool. You know, to have like a motorcycle or something. What are you fucking crazy? Yeah. Every movement I make, is around my family. It has to work out for them. Of course.

You know, I tell people, people get pissed off, people get pissed off, to be on my schedule. I got a crazy thing about my schedule. My agent called me last night. He said,

don't these people offered you this. You should definitely think. And I said, what week is in the game of the week? I go, that's three weeks a month. I go, I got a rule. He goes, yeah, but you should really do it.

I go, listen. I tell you what I got. I got a family. I got a podcast, but I got my mouth. Those are all my jobs. I told you a year ago, it's two weeks a month.

I don't care. what you throw at me, I don't give a fuck. You know, when I'm in town here on Fridays and Saturdays, I'm with them, bro. Yeah. I don't really, like this week, I'm not doing comedy. I do comedy next week. I got to start from scratch anywhere. The special came out, it's over.

Congratulations, by the way, man. No, no, no, no. It's a lot of, so, you know, any move I make, I got to think about my family. I know you were friends and with type, but every move I may, you have to think about them. How does it affect them? You know, these people call you for all this show. shit and they get pissed at you and you're like you don't understand that doesn't benefit them i can't take them with me to fuck i just got a call for some comedy festival in louisiana and the

guy called me back is like i don't understand why you can't do it i go the money's fucking terrible and i can see if i brought my family down on me but i'm losing you're taking me away from my family for a third of what i make i can't i got to stay at home with them i don't want to be that comic that goes on the road every week and then has a stroke in fucking connecticut one week and now i can't on the road no. We have lives, man. I don't want to be that guy. I saw what that does to people. Every week to be on the road, fuck you, my friend. Fuck you. I need to reduce my batteries. I need to be with my family. Yeah. I like taking my daughter to school and picking her up and, you know, going to lunch at my wife to some shitty taco place or going to see a movie. I don't want my life

to be. When I was 30, yeah, I could do all that shit. I could do it. Did you see a rival, by the way? Who? Arrival? No, I didn't see nothing. Oh. Great fucking movie, but you got a kid, dude, it's the worst. It's brutal, dude. You got a fucking daughter? Oh, my God, you're going to see a rival, Joey? Do you cry movies ever? All the time.

Okay, you're going to fuck. And I mean this, Joey. What kind of movie is it? It's like a... Oh, Will Smith. No, no, no, no. It's a sci-fi. It's like, it's fucking...

Well, first of all, stop right there. I don't do sci-fi. Let me tell you, Joey, it's got like 98% of rotten tomatoes. Listen, let me don't even lying about this. It's a negative 98% on Joey Tomatoes. Joey tomatoes. Joey tomatoes, come on. Listen to me.

I would never happen in my world. You listen to me. It's a great movie. Everyone loves it. It's going to win every fucking award this year. That's great.

I'm happy. That's great. I'm not everybody. But now listen to me. It's not your typical fucking sci-fi movie, okay? I won't go to it at all. You can talk to your trip on the face.

That's what you matter. Can you talk to the trailer on? Can you watch it? Sure. Are you, Tell the trailer on Lee. Okay. Let's see here.

Listen to me. It's a good movie, but it will fucking, it will break your heart. Sure. Would you watch it on TV if it came out on? No. What if it wins best movie? What if it wins best movie the year? I haven't seen Avatar.

There's a lot of movies I haven't seen. Avatar stinks, though. That's stupid. This isn't like that, dude. There's a lot of movies of the year that I can tell just by looking at the trailer. No, this isn't sci-fi like that, dude. I'm telling you right now, watch the trailer. You got to watch it.

It's fucking cool. Oh, he's not going to watch this. Yeah, put it out. Yeah, sure. Whatever. Why, you know, did you say it? No, I recognize the trailer. I keep forgetting what.

He knows me well. He's seen people pitch me for that purple. He knows that there's people waiting for me at movie theaters. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry for giggling. Listen to me. But I'll tell you, I'll meet you. Yeah, we'll go tomorrow.

I'll meet you at 4 o'clock. Wait for me. I'll be there. Buy me a popcorn. Buy me a ticket. Buy me a soda and fucking nachos. Sure. Sure.

I turn it up. Here we go. That's Amy Adams too. That's the only reason why we'll go see this movie. Because she's hot. Yeah, I like her. Yeah, she's cute. She's beautiful.

She's Irish just how I like them. Red hair and dirty feet. I love white chicks, dude. That's my shit. Oh, love him. Is your wife white? Fuck, yeah. Irish like this.

I fucking love it. White chicks are the best. Okay, so this doesn't look like sci-fi so far. What are they from? You'll be reporting to me, but you'll be working with him when you're in the show. That's what they call on the UFO. I do out of three actors I like.

See? It's a giant turd. He's being carted off in the medevac. Not everyone is wired for what you're about to do. So what do they look like? You'll see soon enough. Every 18 hours, the door opens up. That's where we go in. She's the language specialist.

And they're like they're communicating with these aliens. All right, turn it off. It's over. Yeah, that is. just said the word aliens that's it no we don't know what they are you judge it's just a bird i don't give a fuck if it's two birds you know this fucking forest whitaker in his eye that's okay i seen forest withic in other movies are you what you're saying i don't like martians and fucking what's his name oh my objects have landed around the world this is one of 12 i'm never going to be able to speak their words got two days figure something out i'm human

It's their language It's great, dude I'm getting goosebumps right now It's really good It's good I'm happy for you Turn this shit off You're killing me over here

It's fucking great You fucking took a 10 minute minute gap out of the podcast To destroy me with this shit Take this shit off Warships and Martians And dust You will fucking

You will cry You will cry You will cry Your eyes out I'm like that I'm not gonna see it I'm not gonna see it Trust me

Oh my God My wife, you know, she can give me a review. That was great. Anyway. My wife likes these movies. I don't like, I don't like sci-fi either. I hate it. I like, I don't like drama.

I don't like sad movies. I like all that shit. I didn't know, Dan Soder, do you know, Dan? No. He's a fucking great kind of. He bought me a ticket to see this movie. I didn't know. I was like, I didn't know what it was.

He was like, dude, it's great. Everyone said it's great. I was like, fine. Sad fucking movie. I don't like sad movies. I've dealt with sadness in my life, so I don't need to watch fake fucking sadness. It's so funny to me that people go and watch.

You like a cocoon? I don't remember it, too. I remember when I was a kid. I don't remember. You know people. They jumped in the pool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was okay.

I didn't want to see that either. But that's a sad fucking sci-fi movie. It was a sad movie. It's good. When somebody dies, somebody gets shot in the head, it don't bother me much. I like comedy. I don't like movies that are designed to make you cry.

Well, Rocky ain't designed to make you cry. I cry like a bitch. Which one, though? All of them. No. Rocky one? You cry to Rocky three. Mr. T?

I don't think so. But I cried to all of them, basically. Don, Don, Don, Don, Rocky, I love you. All that shit makes me go fucking bad. Anything with a godfather got shot in the beginning? I cried. Anything about being a dad, like that shit. Like, now there's all the kids movies, too.

You know how many fucking dads get killed in kids movies now? Good dinosaur. Fucking, you know, Lion King. Which is good. Baby's mom gets killed. You got to prepare them. They could come. So you got to sit them down and go listen.

I snorted a couple ounces in my day. I ate some badass. I swam in the Hudson. I had crabs from the Hudson. I hang out with Puerto Rican people. Most people live to their 74. Most men, I might not make it there. So number one, let's do the best we can.

And number two, I'm just letting you know people disappear from time to time. You got to let them know. You got to let him know. Do you, with your daughter, when a person dies in it, because I don't even have to really deal with it, because his grandpa just died, his mom's father. And, you know, she kind of, he doesn't really get it. He's four. No, they don't get it.

But in the movie, is they kind of like, so how? Oh, his grandpa died. I mean, listen. He just doesn't give a fuck, really. You know, he's not that at the age. My dad died when I was that age when I was four years old. My wife's father looks like fucking Herman Munster. If my daughter, if he dies and my daughter had to go back and see him in that box,

it would shock her for her life. She wouldn't know what the fuck this is. Oh, yeah, no, no, we didn't bring him to the funeral. She wouldn't know what the fuck this is. They don't understand that. I don't think I understood my dad's death of three. I don't think my mom took me down there. My mom, no, I didn't go to the room.

My mom told me at four. I remember my mom telling me. I remember the blue sheets on my grandma's bed, or my great grandma's bed. She sat me down and she said, oh, your dad, your dad died. He's in heaven now. She was crying. And I remember not really feeling much. Did you go to the wake?

No. Oh, that's what I'm saying. I didn't go to the wake. I remember my mom telling me he died, and I didn't really understand it for about a year, but I didn't go to my mom didn't take me. to the wake. It would just... No, no, no.

I see that. It's kind of fucked up of that, right? Yeah, it's not at that age. Because you're so sensitive. Do you're programming them? It's like to deal with that type of shit? I don't know. You know, one of the worst things I ever did as a kid,

that was about 10 or 11. And you see New Jersey, my mom had the bar. This little boy and girl got kidnapped. Little boy and girl got kidnapped. They were missing for five days, and they found both of them cut up dead. And I'll never forget that for some reason or another.

I decide to go to the... awake. Jesus. Like I was just a young kid. For no reason. I watched it on the news. It bothered me so much. How old were you?

Maybe eight, nine, dang. What? And I walked, I was at McKinley. So I, no, no, I wasn't at McKinley. It was the summer of Catholic school. And I walked to Union City. And I stood online.

And I walked past two cats. Did you dress like anything? Or you were just fucking dressed like a little kid? Just dressed like a little kid. I just, thing about those two kids dying, I felt like I was connected to at that age. I don't know why. I just didn't know why.

I saw it on the news and I felt so fucking bad. And after that, I remember that. I never talked to nobody in a fucking car. Like when people pulled up next to me, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It was really weird how these are the things you fear for for your child, man. You don't know how to break it down to my experience. But that was then, you could fucking, we were walking around and I was in the suburbs, so I was in the city.

But even then, the suburbs were fucked up, too. There was pedophiles out in the suburb. I'll believe me. We talked about this. You know, about this a couple weeks ago. Yeah, I mean, we were fucking walking around. My mom, I mean, from the time I was five on, I mean, four or five on, my sister was two years older than she'd kind of watch me a little bit, but we would just go out.

I mean, we would disappear for the whole day. That's it. Did your parents talk to you about pedophilia when you were five or four ever? My dad was murdered when I was four. My mom, my mom was pretty open with, like, a lot of fucking crazy shit. Like I was like I knew what sex was my mom was like you know just almost like over to a fault like she she didn't she fucked up She was kind she was trying to like be open about shit and like teach her kids my mom too She just fucked up she didn't get how to do it the right way she the idea was right but she fucking missed the target

Lee you're ready for another star death star of death? Lisa yet Lisa yet um I I think now about the mistakes my mom made that I don't want to make with mercy I don't want to tell them I'm not going to tell my husband I thought I'm a stand there for however long I could hide it yeah however long like the other day she came running in the office and I was trying to every you know they would send me notes for the special this is about two weeks ago they wanted me to cut the beginning I left here and we looked at it and I took it home and I we went home I went home that next day I was trying to

write the minutes and she came in and she goes daddy and I thought she was gonna catch it She didn't catch it. And she ran out. She goes, Mommy, Mommy, Daddy's on the computer. On the papooter. Whatever fuck she says. And my wife walks in. Puter.

My guess that's pewter. Puter. And then my daughter goes, look, mommy, look. And then I said something, but she never really caught it. And a couple weeks ago at school, something happened where they asked her, as your dad funny. And she goes, nah. And they all laughed. And they were like, he came in today.

And I said, you know, guys, don't fucking say nothing. They asked me at my kids preschool because I wrote it on the thing that I'm a comedian. They asked what your occupation was. I should just write radio because I work in a serious exam. But they were like, oh, did you want to come in and do jokes with the kids? I was like, lady, do you know what the fuck I do? And then she told me she looked me up afterwards at the parent teacher. She was like, yeah, I know we get it.

I said, look, I'll come. I ain't out of juggle. And I'll, like, joke around with the kids. And you could tell them that I work in, like, radio and stuff like that. We can maybe come in and they can record their own radio show because, you know. But my kid thinks I do podcasting for work because I do a lot of podcasting. So, you know, he knows like, you know, when I go out to my studio and, you know, yeah, he doesn't understand what stand-up is, you know. And I tell, I tell ridiculous jokes.

Like, I fucking, like, my kid, you know, he should never. You curse around them? No, I try not to. I really try not to. He's slipping. He don't pick him up here. No, he'll fucking, he tells me. She hasn't.

If I cursed it, he's like, no dad, but then he catches me, but then he gets to fucking say it because he knows what he's doing. So I'll say fuck. And he's like, Dad, you can't say fuck. And then I'm like, I'm like, James, you know you can't say. He's like, yeah, but you can't say that. I'm like, fucking kid got me. She hasn't got me yet. His motherfucker got me.

I got to tell you why I love you so much. I'll tell you the main reason why I love you so much. Why? The last time you went here, you fucked me up because I left here. And I thought about somebody who was really important to me growing up. Like, he was a big bridge. And we're trying to put it together. You know, he's got the hiv.

Yeah. You know, so... I remind you of a guy that has the head? Bro, when he was 16, he didn't have the hiv. Right, all right. But he was one of the most solid dudes ever meant. He was Cuban and French. Yeah.

His name was Dedy Cantoran. He's got a brother Carlos. And Dini was a bridge. Like, I think about Diti now. Like, dog, this guy, they used to call Manchild. He was fighting men when he was 15. Yeah. And he was a badass motherfucker.

Yeah. We got into some fucking shit when we were kids. You know, I told him. his brother some of the stories. He goes, I didn't know you guys are doing that show. I'm like, fuck, yeah, we were robbing gas station. 15, 16. We thought we had to figure it out.

He had a devilish smile like you. But you know what? My mom died, he took it right to me, and every day we'd go back to his house, and his mom would feed me and shit. They would give me the biggest piece of chicken, and he would get mad at his mom. Why does he get the big piece of chicken?

Because his mother died. That's why, right? Eat your fucking chicken. And you remind me a lot of them, man. And I think about Dedi a lot. a lot now. Let me tell you how deep he went just to tell you, this guy people, women would come up to me,

girls in high school would come up to me and go, how do we get with him? Yeah, he was like a ladies man. You know, we were friends until high school. I left in 83. We lost contact. His brother was wanted. They were looking to kill his fucking brother. Some gangsters, and right before I laughed, they were looking to kill me to,

not the same people. And I was in a shop, right? One of those places, like in fucking the other end of Jersey. And who do I See in the hallway. That's so funny. Shop where I grew up like things. It's everywhere. Yeah, yeah.

I saw Carlos. And I go, Carlos. And he goes, don't tell nobody you saw me. I go, Carlos, they're looking for me through. We started laughing. That's the last time I saw them. Years late, I go home and I go, what happened to do? You go, bro, you better sit out.

And they go, this motherfucker. Because when we were kids, we did a lot of acid, bro. There was a lot of nights that we just went straight. Like, there was no recovery. We just did acid. every night. We did ask it for a week straight and then we'd take two nights off and then his brother would go out and we'd wait

for his brother. We'd do a quailude and we'd drink a bottle of poop-paw vodka and we'd wait for his brother come home and we'd sit down until he'd give us a line of Coke. We were 15, 16, we were fucking kids man, you know? Years later they told me he was the guy

that pulled up next to you in the car and asked you, what are he doing right now? On a bicycle with no shirt on. And he was just blowing guys and Hudson County Park though. He just somewhere the mental health came in.

Yeah. He had mental health issues in his family. He got the Hiv from Intervenous shooting and all that stuff over the years. They just found him. If I'm 53, he's got to be 49. They say that you know, he looks good.

He looks healthy for having that, but he's working at a whatever the fuck you call it. Salvation Army loading trucks. He lives there too. Yeah. He's putting it together. I'm sorry. It's rough. We grew up together,

but his family was known for having mental health issues. Yeah. Even the brother now, when I talk to him sometimes, it's funny in conversation. He goes, you know, my memory's not that good.

I got hit in the head with a pipe a few years back, and it fucked me up. And when he says that every time I laugh, because every time I see him, he always says the same fucking thing to me. Providence motherfucking Rhode Island.

How do you feel? 600 milligrams. I feel good, man. Your face is starting to change. No, I'm telling you. Your eyeballs are redder. I think I could fucking dance. I'm telling you right now.

Don't dance. Don't dance. No dancing. No, I'm not a good dancer. No dancing. But I think the challenge is there. So 400 milligrams I walk out. I'm a legend.

600 on what? Did you eat this other one? I ate the other one, yeah. So six? I'm not 600. 600, you're a legend. I'm a legend. All right.

Let it be known that I'm a legend. You get a lot of fucking respect here from me, brother. Good. First off, a lot of people come in here crying. There's a lot of people I don't even say nothing to them because I know they won't eat. Listen, I don't want everybody to eat it. You know, when you came in the first time, you came in with a reputation, so I just wanted you to loosen up.

You came in a little, you were a little, you know, and this should have loosened you up. Yeah. Lee, how are you feeling? Look at Lee. I think this might be my record. $1,600? Yeah.

We're going to go for two more 100. Oh, no. Two more 100. Two more 100. At this point, what's the, at this point, you know what's the only difference? The hospital bed. That you wake up tomorrow and there's tubes in your arms and, like Mr. Syatt. Do you know why you're here?

And you're like, let me guess. I don't think my insurance covers marijuana OD. Who gives her? Here, smoke some of this. Oh, cool, man. What are you talking about? Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, we're going deep into the murky underweight.

It's getting crazy, baby. We're going to take another star, drink a little water. Oh, my God. I'm going to set the record of 1800. Mr. Gomez here. Next time he comes on, we're doing $2,000. Sure. Sure.

What do you think of that? I think it's fucking phenomenal. I'm proud of you guys. We don't fuck around here. I know. I built least tolerance up. I built mild tolerance up. I work hard.

I don't want to be one. Bro, I see these fucking guys from California talking shit. How much reefer they smoke? I don't smoke no reefer. When I show up with my guns, they melt. What are you having there? Oh, my God. I had to leave here and drive eight miles and walk on the beach and meditate.

What the fuck are you talking about? So I want motherfuckers to know when they come on here, there's a long-lasting effect. You know, this ain't two motherfuckers just dicking around here. We're breaking it. We're going for 1,800 tonight, Lisa. Swallow that championly like this. Look. Fuck it.

Leave it for the mouse. What you got? What do you got nothing? Look at this. Like that, like a doctor and shit. Okay. Providence, Rhode Island, go see my man. Mr. Gomez.

Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. Do me the fucking favor like you went to C-So and download it. If you're in the area, go see him. Have a good time. Bring him a fucking number. If you're abroad, you got a throat sucker's dick. It usually goes away. You know what I'm family?

My girl's a comic, so she'll be there. It's Christmas time, cock suckers. 24. What is it? Look at this poor kid. Look at him. Man de Monte Monteirocito. Look at him.

Hold it on to the computer. Hold it on to his nose like I threw him in the deep end. Fuck it, we're going to eat the star off the floor. We're going to split this. No, we're not. Yeah, we're not. 1800. Please.

1900. Please. Right there. I go. Please. I know we just going three ways. What? All right.

We'll do it three ways. Do it three ways. I'm ready to go. Eat the star. Eat the star. Let's see what happens. Nice. Just like that.

So we went 1800 plus to that, ladies and gentlemen. It's going to be a deep night. I'm in 600 plus. You know what? don't have to sleep tomorrow. I don't have to get up, so I'm getting anxiety all night. I'll be breathing heavy all fucking night. And that's it and that's that, motherfucker's. Prada and throw it out of me, I got no motherfucking dates. I got nothing until the 21st of the Chinese restaurant Ventura. Can I promote a couple of the little dates?

Sure. All right, January 14th. Forget that. That's not even going to work because it's too far away. Okay. By that time, it's the holidays. Never mind. Drop them anyway. Fuck that date. January 14th. Fuck that date. January 6th, I went to Caluca Casino. Shut the window. Close the window.

Detroit Hustler Club. Louis Gomez. January 14th, myself, Dave Smith, special guest Joe List, Legion of Scanks presents. Get your tickets, Detroit Hustle Club.com. That's going to be crazy, dude. The strippers there are fucking smoking hot. We're going to have a really filthy, dirty show, and it's going to be crazy.

You're crazy. I like these strip club shows. They're pretty dope. You're a bad motherfucker. I'm too old for those things. Thank you. No. I go in there.

I look like a creepy old man. It's great. They talk to me to ask me creepy questions. I don't do well in strip clubs. I'm not a strip club guy. Yeah? I mean, I don't,

here's why. I went to one last Christmas by myself. I ran it and ran out. Can I tell you why I'm a strip club guy and I'm a good one? Okay, because I don't ever pay for lap dances. I don't give a fuck about that shit.

No, you don't. So I'll go in there. Nobody does. They just drive Corvette because nobody pays for lap. No, I just go in and get him a dollar and walk out. I'm sure you do. Nobody goes to the VIP and tries to finger bang. your pussy till it's fucking bleeding to death.

No, I'm telling you. I go and I hang out. I don't spend money. No, no, you just stand back there like Johnny Cool and they all talk to you because, you know. No, they don't talk to me. I'm just saying the reason it's not a big deal for me to go to a strip club. All right, fuck off. I love you to death.

No, no. You go to the strip clubs. You're disgusting young man. And every once in a while, those bitches hypnotize you. Yeah, I got a lap dance at the Detroit Hust Club. And it was fucking. And it's not one. You get three of them.

No, I got one. You got three of them. You don't have to lie to nobody. We're family here. Let them know that you're the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. I go to a strip club. You take 200 and out of the ATM. How much a dance?

20. Let's do fucking 10. Throw one in for 11. And if not, let's do three. Give me a hand job and drink to come. And fucking, we're good for the other lap dances. Yeah. You can have it. You can do the breakdown every you want.

Oh, you don't want to dance. You can lick my nuts and shit and fucking, we'll call it partners. I don't give a fun. just can't do it. The last time I went to a strip club really enjoyed myself was Blah Street in Canada. Blore Street

in Toronto, B-L-O-O-R, in Toronto, in Toronto, Canada. It was filthy. I was biting that. Well, Canada, yeah, up in Montreal, you're allowed to play with the tities. Yeah, no, it's filthy. I like all that dirty shit. But to sit down, like a half a fag and look at your pussy,

and I've got to pay $80 to fucking finger you. Forget about it. You know, I'm not into that. I'm too old. I walk at, listen, last Christmas, I went to the comedy store on a Sunday dog, I went to an ATM machine, I took out of deuce, and I got off of Van Eyes, I made a U-turn, I saw a strip club, and I saw a girl. I walked in, there was three girls sitting there, lonely as fuck. I couldn't believe it.

Last time I went to a strip club, there was 200 guys, and there'd be 16 girls dancing, and money would be getting thrown. This place was sad, but all these three girls were hot, and I got to the car, and one girl was like, Joe, Joey, Joey, I just watched you at the show. We listened to your podcast. Come in. I said, so what goes on?

She gave me a menu. I said, give me a dance. I got another dance. I just broke it down. I said, listen, what's the story? You know, let me snore that monkey. What do we do here? Because I can't do that.

Okay, business is shut down. I thought it was like the old days. I could smite your tities and shit like that. This is all far. They dance four feet away. Like I'm fucking easy with div. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

Fuck you. You're going to give me the papers, Lee, or I'm going to sit here like a fucking stoutts for four hours. I'm over here waiting, thinking he'll do it on his own, but no. You didn't ask me. I got to ask you. You're the fucking producer of the show. Are you not the producer?

Are you not the manager? Yeah, I have right here. All right. Then get it together. Anyway, the picture of the world we're putting out a new pair of underwear isn't just fresh. You're stepping into a better day. You were walking to underwear, and they're fucking tremendous. And you can feel your whole day change.

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Yeah, no. Those red ones I have, they're all fucking purpose. I only wearing my North Bergen's shit. I'm throwing fucking heat, you know what I'm saying? How are you doing Louis Gomez? I'm good, man. You're looking around the room. You're hearing dragons and shit.

I can see that looking. You're starting to look like Ada Fernandez. I've been drinking the hidden water here for a month. In fact, we're only down to one bottle. I think they sent to sturdy. Whatever flavor, I mean, this is great stuff. You know you should drink eight glasses of water a day, but who really does? Coffee, soda, energy drinks, this, that.

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show what is it this weekend what is what am i doing this weekend um this fucking story oh we're gonna try to go to see uh that a bad ten and two again with johnny rock and his girlfriend We're going to try to do that. You couldn't avoid that fucking call. Like, it's a call from fucking Hitler, right? You see that number come up? Don't even answer. You don't want to go to the movies or nobody.

How old are we now? Arrival. What are you going to have a propeller and shit? I don't know. I'm you supposed to have a couple friends, friends? I don't know. Not to double date, like a half a fag and hold hands and giggling on each other's stupid jokes. You don't get a couple swap?

Huh? He won't do a couple swap. He won't do that. Come on, Lee. You wouldn't do that? I don't think it'd be me You'd have to convince to be very honest I think it'd be the

Yeah, I actually would Because then I You always forget that your girlfriend Has to do it too So it's like I'm gonna have to Put the goddamn music on Have a great weekend I love you, cock suck

Stay Black We love you, bitches You're gonna go no way No, no My brother We go Uh