The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #439 - Andrea Lowell

Episode Date: December 14, 2016

Andrea Lowell, Playboy TV/Radio host, model,  nutritionist and personal trainer, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free. Watch Joey's Special, "Sociably Unacceptable" Now!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 12/13/2016.
  

The Church of What's Happening Now is presented by On It. This show is brought to you by Texture. The texture app lets you tap into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your smartphone or tablet. And the best part is Texture is offering the listeners of the Church of What's Happening now a free trial when you go to texture.com slash Joey. That's texture.com slash joey to get a free trial of the new texture app. Bidays are back. The Church of What's Happening now, and especially me, are very excited to introduce you to hellotushy.com.

Hellotushy.com makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water. Hellotushy.com. Go there and you enter promo code church. Hellotushy.com slash church to get 10% off of your order. Oh shit. Here we go. Tuesday. November, December 13th.

The day the devil was buried at sea, cock suckers. Here we go. Oh shit. By chance his girlfriend came across a needle and soon she did the same. The church of what's happened now? Andrea Lowe, my man Lee Syatt. Here we go. Oh shit.

Boom, boom, boom. Oh shit. It's a pleasure to introduce Ms. Andrea Lowe. Hi, guys. What's happening? I'm so happy to see you. My little brother, Mr. Lee Syatt. Hi. Hello.

I was, we always have the guest show up just a little bit early just so we can chat. And I was trying, I was trying to find the best place to look because I'm always, I'm never sure when there's a really pretty girl. I'm never sure exactly where, like, I don't want to, I don't want them to think I'm looking anywhere inappropriate. So I'm like, but I don't want to think I'm like, I'm not looking at her. So I have to like look above her. Like, I don't know. I was like staring at Joey's like the back of his neck for the student. You know where's a good place to look? The eyes.

Yeah, but I'm more. But I don't care. You can stare at my tits. I got no shame. Like, if you're looking at my boobs, it just validates to me as a woman in my 30s. Like, yes, I still got it. Now, do you catch a lot of guys stare at, like, as a woman? Do, like, when women get together, like, that fucking guy won't stop.

Look at that. No, we love that shit. The only girl that's not going to like a guy staring at her is an insecure woman who doesn't love herself. If a guy's staring at my ass, it makes me feel good about myself. If he's following me on the freeway, that creeps me out. But if a guy checks out my ass walking by, it makes me feel good. It's validating.

Yeah, me and my girlfriends, we're all banging. We all love it. With all this shit going on today, sensitivity, you don't know what you could even say or fucking do anymore. Yeah, that's true. I train myself not to look. After like 25, I'm like, how old are you? Yeah.

How old are you, Jo? Well, that's a good point. Why do you look at a fucking girl for like that? If it's an older guy checking me out, I'm like, dude, grow up. Get some manners. But if it's like an 18-year-old that's checking me out, I'm like, yeah, I still got it. I mean, don't get me wrong. After 25, you learn how to take a look.

Yeah. It's like getting punched in the face. It's the reaction to the punch. Yes. Like when you're 18, you're like, oh, my God, look at her ass. I'd fucking light it on fire. Yeah. When you're fucking 50, you just look at her ass and go, that's never going to happen.

That's never going to happen in my life again. That's the conclusion you have to come to. He should be honest. At 53, I see a hot woman. I go, that's never ever going to happen again. Yeah, I could give her. $10,000 to suck my dick. That's not the same.

It's not the same. That's not the same. That's never going to happen again. But why sell yourself short? Why do you believe that? I mean, if I were saying, I totally fucked this shit out of you. No, no, no.

Because what I'm saying is not like in that sense. What? I'm talking about like, remember when you were 20? Yeah. And you fell in love in college and you went home and you fuck for three hours. And you ate like a subway sandwich and ramen. Her skin was really soft and your skin was really soft.

and just that feeling of falling in love again, just that whole sensation, you and I will never experience that again. That is so sad, Joey. It's fucking sad. Why are we trying to start this off the press? Because I was talking to a friend of mine about a month ago, and I said, you know, I was on the road, and there was these two girls.

And they were just talking, sometimes, you know, even now, like you get to a, you'll go out some night, and you'll be sitting there, and you'll see two girls that are talking about shit that's inappropriate, especially at this restaurant. Yeah. That was us 20 years ago. Who the fuck are we kidding?

But sometimes you're like right now, tonight, you go out to dinner and you're sitting next to the guy from Sons of Anarchy who's 20 and some other fucking underwear model. And they're talking about what they like to do to women. After a while, you know, you get involved and you jump into the conversation. And worst case scenario, next thing you know, you're at the house drinking wine, having a threesome. What the fuck it is? You are painting the picture so well. Accurately, accurately.

And or just go back. can do drugs at them you show them you know six in the morning and now their girlfriends called them I didn't know you had a fucking girlfriend you know all that shit but the same like I went I was in Portland Oregon maybe a year ago I was just there in December but the time before last Saturday night these girls were very sweet you know if I looked at them I couldn't even there's no way I saw what I'm about to tell you coming every time I go to Portland something new the first night I was in Portland three years before two years before that It was Thursday night.

We were all outside. Maybe 15 people smoking pot. There's a light drizzle of rain. And everybody's just talking. You know that reef are talking? Yes. We can't wait to go home. You know, and all of a sudden somebody goes, something about sex.

Right. Some guy goes, yeah, something 25. And, you know, the girl was like, I thought I started sex old. I started at 18. And all of a sudden, all these people are telling their truth. But this one woman in the back door. I gave my first blowjob when I was 10 And it was the end of the conversation

Like everybody was like, okay We gotta go home now and shit You know like nobody bit Like nobody bit If somebody tells you when you're 18 They suck the dick at 10 Your dick is out of your pants I didn't know what a dick was in 10

She sucked the dick when I got And she was 10 That wins the fucking cake So these two girls are very sweet They're like what are you gonna do after the show Do you want to get high? I go well we usually go outside After the show and everybody gets high

So we go outside, 30 of us and we're getting high. I got my paycheck in my pocket. I got an early flight, but these are the people who paid for the tickets. Let me go out there bullshit with them. You know, you don't smoke with everybody. You just smoke as much as you can. Right. But these two girls were next to me.

And these two girls looked like if I had a describe maybe 25, they probably dated like good-looking college guys. Okay. You know? That hipster, Portland, hippie but not a hippie kind of look. I wasn't even looking at them like this. Yeah. But they started talking that shit.

We looked to fuck and just stupidity. And, you know, I once fucked the guy your rage and he fucked like a rat, you know, just stupid shit. Yeah. Which I would have fell for 15 years ago in my cocaine haze. You know what I'm saying? Even 10 years ago, I would have bought him with the Coke. I'm going to take these girls home and fuck them. Now you hear the rhetoric and you're like, ah.

I don't know. Are you fucking crazy? And me, I'm on the other side. I was those two girls. talking to you about this and then you know bring bringing the party home and like it's so funny hearing every different perspective because we were both in that situation just on different sides of the coin in a way it's yeah it's it's surreal one night i and i went to the comedy store and we because they live on the corner here yeah we parked and lee would park his car and we stopped the 7-11 and got chips

and the soda and we started talking and i told them about all the perversions of comedy on the And I always think about today, what do those people think? Yeah. Like, I can't think about it. I just have to let it go. If I start to think about it, I'm like, oh, my God, how embarrassing. But I just, I just tune it out. Like some of them, well, all of them were women.

Yeah. You know, hopefully 20 years later, by now they have children and they go to PTA meetings. Yeah. And they're sitting there going, you know, I could see this one girl still. I fingered her on the dance floor at some club. and Boise Island. Which is pretty tame. Fingering on a dance floor is pretty tame.

Not when your hand is in her push. And you're on the dance floor, 80 people, and you're fingering and she's going fucking blind, and you're coming all over yourself. Like, what is she thinking right now? Like, she's probably with a kid playing going, I can't believe I let some guy finger me in a bar 20 years ago and he had his hand in my fucking snatch.

Yeah. Like all that type of shit. And for you must have been, you got drunk, went to some guy's house, you went over there, something happened. You know, you walk out of there, and now you're like, what the fuck does that guy think today? I bet that their friends don't even believe them.

When people are involved in stories that were with me when I was in my heavy parting days, I remember because I would tell these stories on air on my radio show, I'm thinking, this sounds unbelievable. No one's going to believe this. If these people I was partying with are telling their friends our story of last night, they're not going to believe it.

They're going to get called a liar because this shit with like these caliber of like playmates and models and stuff I was doing stuff with, doesn't happen. So it's like I don't even know. I feel like I'm kind of blessed that people aren't even going to believe the stories I told or believe the stories people tell about me because they were so fucking out there. They're unbelievable.

So maybe you're kind of in the same thing. Like, yeah, Joy Cocoa Diaz would banging me on a dance floor. People would be like, shut up, bitch. No, no, no. I've never got on Facebook. I've never got nothing. Really? Not one.

Not one. They're probably embarrassed. I always think about this time in Massachusetts. Hoping he forgot. Mountain home Idaho. Oh shit. It's a fucking Air Force base. Yes.

Service base. Yes. And I'm up there. I get there and I'm the feature act as a headliner. And the headline had been there before. It was my first time. Okay. And it was the weirdest thing.

It was like a scene from a movie when he was breaking it down for me. At the end he goes, oh, by the way, stay away from the colonel's the wife. She's fucking crazy. He said that. Now when somebody says you're crazy, I don't know, maybe she's just a bitch, or maybe you're She just yells or whatever. I get on stage, I get off stage. She comes right up.

Hotter than death. You know, I'm the Colonel's wife, my husband. I'm here. And she's drinking, let's do a shot. And she's doing more and more shots. She's drinking tequila. I'm trying to slow it down. I don't know.

I didn't know what my friend meant. And within an hour, she's talking about blowing soldiers and all this shit. Again, I'm young and stupid. I go, I'll take a blow job. Yeah. She goes, let's go right behind the stage. Oh, wait. You just said I'll take a blowjob?

Yeah, I love to suck that. Well, when there's a crazy hoe offering blow jobs? She's talking about sucking dick and sucking balls and how my husband didn't come for an hour. And I'm like, well, I'm going to come in two minutes. Yes, maybe. Let's go behind that stage. I'll never forget I put my unit in her mouth. She's sucking it like a soldier.

And then somebody yells for her like, Miriam. Of course, her just fucking Miriam. I turn to take my dick out of her mouth. she's a soldier. She holds on to that pipe and stragged on the floor. Her feet was dragging while she was sucking that pipe.

Who could tell that type of story? And I'm not even Elvis. Like if I was Elvis or a good-looking guy, you go, oh, Joey, that's tremendous. But, you know, and it didn't happen because I was a funny comedian. It just happened because you're there. That was a crazy-ass drunk bitch, though.

It's a crazy-ass drunk bitch. Oh, my gosh. And I totally believe, and I see it. I love the way you paint the picture, man. I'm fucking seeing the, that bitch drag on the floor and now you think that was a married woman oh like i wouldn't talk to a married woman now never mind put my dick in the mouth and drag her across the floor like a fucking like shug night you know but you live and you learn and those experiences made us who we are today you know

poor people but she chose to you know she was a willing participant in that just that was just but you bumped into so many crazy people in your drug and alcohol journey yeah because you've got to gravitate naturally toward each other. I don't know how it works if it's a law of attraction, but you end up with each other by the end of the night. We didn't fucking do an application process or do a show of hands who's going to be

doing blow and sucking dick till 11 a.m. But we naturally just would find each other. Isn't that weird? Like, this gravitational force. It's so fucking bizarre. And then me and you're family, we're still friends. And it's tough to explain to people. Like, one night my body,

We went to his house. You can't explain it. It's magic, dude. We went to my buddy's house in like 1993. We go to my buddy's house. It's like Easter Sunday. And we're all eating. He's got like six, seven brothers.

We're all eating. And all of a sudden, he's starting to get Hammond. Yeah. And he's got a sister that's got to be at that time. You know, I'm 30-something. She's got to be 20-something. Okay. And I never heard anything about her reputation.

But I know that she's a party girl. She goes out. There's a few beers. Okay, we're talking. One thing leads to another. The brother's getting happening and happening. I go, fuck, how am I going to get home? She goes, I'll give you a ride.

I go, I'm staying with your brother tonight. Mm-hmm. She goes, well, my brother's probably going to stay here, but I give you a ride home. She gets in the car, not two minutes in the car. She's like, listen, where are we getting a package at? I go, tell me that you do coke. She's like, yeah.

And I know you do some, let's go. We went, we get like an eight ball. We go to the brother's apartment. We get not, listen, guys, you could take this however you want. When I went up there, she was my friend. sister, and I went up there with the intention of snort and coke, whatever. Maybe she's going to leave. Right.

And I can stay by myself and get high and listen to music and jerk off, whatever the fuck. Yeah. Listen, I go in the living room and this girl goes, let me just go to the bathroom. There's vodka in the freezer. There always is, when I turn around, she's got a thong out. That's it. She came out of the bathroom with a thong. I never even spoke about sex or tits or let me see you naked.

No. It was on. This is the way it was. Like people just said, listen, why fuck around? We can play this game all night. You don't have to pitch me your dick. But let's just eliminate that and get right to the snorting. And if something falls out in the way, we'll just get down.

You know, I could write this in my fucking head. No, not at all. And people can't even imagine this would happen. I can't imagine being Jack Stella. I can't imagine being a fucking good looking handsome guy, 28. Oh, my God, I'd be snorting coke with everybody. You're going 100%. It's pretty crazy.

Now, it's so funny hearing you say that. Like, my intention and my experience always was I enjoyed more getting all coped out and having conversation all night. My intention, too, was to just, like, debate philosophy, have wild intellectual conversations. Sex was never, like, in the intention or in the platter. So when you're saying this, I get it. When you just want to get high and talk or, you know, listen to music or lose that bitch or whatever, it's just so funny because we write this script on our head or we, think we have this better idea and it just never turns out the way planned it's always much crazier in actuality much fucking i first off i never got coke to talk to nobody i did people

would fucking talk my ear off i'm sure i gave a lot of fucking earbeaten once they got into history or anything that you could argue about i had a friend that would rip out encyclopedias at four in the morning he started taking encyclopedias out and talking about facts see now my mother fucking ego i was the encyclopedia. I was like, oh, let me tell you this. And I was so sure I knew everything. And it was just, oh, I look back and those are the most embarrassing moments to me that I thought I was so intellectually superior. And that Yiz made me like Einstein level. Like, I swear. I look back and I'm like, damn, I was a dumb bitch. And then there was women I did bring home that wouldn't crack a nut. Like, they wouldn't even show you their armpit. Like, listen, nothing's going to happen here.

At least tease. Come on. Oh, no. There was a girl I brought home one time that nothing happened by six in the morning. I never wanted to punch a woman in the face more. Like, I never wanted to hit a woman, but this woman was going down because she started arguing with me. Yeah. Oh, you don't want to do that. She got argumentated.

You don't want to do that. I think she was drinking. I kicked those people up. And I'm like, you know what? This fucking girl got to go. We had a fucking call a cab for, oh, God, almighty. It's weird. I mean, you both are people.

I know, like, Joey, like, you don't do coke anymore. But I never I'm not a big drinker and I never did coke And it seems like it's almost like I like You want it? Not that you missed out but yeah It's never too late to start It's like it's a fine line

Because it's like yeah we had a fucking good time on it But It's crazy Like you can't like it seems like that good time See now if somebody came to me and say They wanted to do coke and go listen Let's point you into the right Navigate let's point you into the right bar

Yeah Let's set you up for success up and you're only going to do it for one year. I think you were going to say one night. Because that's when it goes downhill. Yeah. See, three years is when it goes downhill.

Three years is when all that fun. Then all of a sudden, you're not getting hard on it. And all of a sudden, you're hearing things. And all of a sudden, I went to the bathroom. And there was more coke there than when I came back. Get up. I'm going to fucking search you. Yeah.

The mind place treats with you. It becomes something else. Can you quit after? year, do you think? Pretty sure? Yeah. Yeah. You know, and it depends on, I think, like, Coke never took me. You know what I mean? Like, I could stop. If it was in front of me, I could not stop. But if I didn't buy it, it wasn't a problem. I wasn't obsessing about it, thinking about it. There's some people, though, who literally get addicted almost the first time they do it. And I think it's kind of just they're born that way. But so it just depends. It's person for person.

I was addicted to, like, the reason why it took me so long to get off because I was addicted to different facets of it. Oh, totally. I completely. I completely. First I was addicted to the copping it. First, you were addicted to the copping and going home and, you know, I'm going to take a shit first. Yes. You know, not even doing the line and taking the shit because your system's already off. My shit was like Pavlog's dog. I would smell it and I was like, I need to go to the bathroom.

I need to go to the bathroom. And I had even done it yet. Oh, my God. As you know, the guy was there. And then you had the different, then you had the thrill of actually going to a bar. Like for me, my. my first five years were actually first three years

we're going to a bar and being sociable having tons of bad breath with alcohol cigarettes and weed we probably smelled like shit and you go out and you're talking to people up close

and you think you're hot and you think you're hot you think you're philosophical well you know this is the ugly side so now we're showing you the truth no this is the good side the first three years it's great you're bringing women home your dick works Yeah, that's true.

Your dick works. You come and your dick stays hard. Yep. She gets crazy. You know, she only licks balls when she has two lines of coke. And until then she just has like a limit. When a woman snorts Coke, they fucking go all out. When a woman drinks, they have like a little limit.

They'll stop licking your toes. But when they snort Coke, you put their pussy on fire. It's like a reset button. It's like, yeah. So now you bring, you get a certain girl and you guys hang out at the same place. It's the same program. Yep. You fucking get high with your friends.

And then you and her disappoint. peer for 12 hours and go fuck, suck, look out windows, eat each other out, rub cream on each other, take a shower, do more Coke. It's a fucking process. But then that all turns. Yeah. And just like you said, the dick doesn't work, the same thing happens to us

on the giving in. You'll do so much Coke. You can't even suck dick because your throat is so numb or the drip is so bad. And that's one of the joys of Coke is you want to be this nasty dick-sucking freak. I want to lick your asshole, suck your balls down. Gobble that dick. And then I'm like, I can't suck dick right now.

Sorry. It's a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare because you want to be a freak. And then you get to that point where you've crossed the line and you can't go back. It's like this invisible line. And once you cross it, you don't know you cross it until you do. And then you're like, fuck my shit doesn't work no, Mo. It's terrible.

And then it becomes, that's a problem with it. Now, how long did you get high for? I mean. The whole time together, years. 10. 10. Hard. And you saw the process.

Oh, yeah. There's an upswing. Oh, yeah. There's a fucking middle ground. Yeah. And there's a slow decline. Absolutely. And then you just are like, this shit's not working for me anymore.

Yeah. You know? It's not playing out the way it played when I was 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, blah, blah, 28. You know, like, you get to a point where you're like, this isn't the same, this isn't fun anymore. And then you just kind of let it fizzle off. For me, from 16 to like 21, it was fun. And then I got to the point where I couldn't talk. At the five-year mark, I wouldn't talk.

Really? You got all introverted? Or you couldn't talk? Wouldn't talk. I wouldn't talk. Don't make me talk. Just stop. Stop.

There's leases you can't put the music on. Let me just fucking live in my head because the connection wouldn't happen. You go through all these phases, and then you go through that really deep paranoia phase. Where it's in your pocket, you see a cop. You go home. You're reading pussy and all soon. You're like, hold on. Did you hear something?

something and they can be the hottest woman in the world there and you're fucking paranoid you can't do dick you head somewhere else yeah it's uh it's fucking quite an invention this i think of an adventure every fucking day with it every day yes i remember something like oh jesus christ i can't believe i was doing it at that time i can't believe i was still doing it in boulder at this time in seattle i was still getting high in my office yes it was such uh and like i said i got more addicted to the action it wasn't the coke as much as The process of it. The process of it.

Yes. Yeah. It's just kind of like smoking. I got to a point where I had quit smoking cigarettes, right? But I missed the whole thing. I missed the fucking thing. I missed buying it, packing it, lighting and smoking it. Yeah. Smoking outside.

Getting a coffee so I could have it with my cigarette. Yeah. Not coffee don't taste the same. No. It tastes like Dick, not coffee. Yeah, now it's like you just get addicted to the movement of it and the, yeah, the process of it. I drink a half a cup of coffee nowadays, three sips I throw the rest of what. When I was smoking.

And I could drink two cups of coffee, sit there, bang out of joint. Yes. I'll fucking sit there for three hours, smoke. Oh, my gosh. Smoke four or five cigarettes. I used to love blunts and coffee with a lot of cream. Oh, my God. You would kill your lungs before you even left the house.

Yeah. You would kill your fucking lung before you even left the house. Yeah. It's a miracle that we're still alive. The amount of partying we did, you and me independently, if we added that up, It's more than like entire cities, countries, nations have fucking partied. And we stand here. You know, we're talking about before the show, like breaking points.

We're talking about how, you know, I could never be a hypocrite and judged anybody who got high. Like that, that, that, that. No, because we've been there. I know people get high, but it's funny now how I could tell when somebody's close to the breaking point. Like I could see now, like now from not, from being clean and from being. in those shoes, I can tell by people's speeches. Yes. That rambling speech, that...

The incessant speech, the stream of consciousness, the no filter, the you should shut the fuck up button doesn't exist anymore. And we can relate to it and we get it. And so when we see our friends doing it, it's like, do we want to jump in and say, hey, buddy, stop, or do we let them figure it on in their own? No, you got to let them figure on. I know, but it puts us in a hard position because you want to help, but we know better. It puts you in a hard position, but I know.

from experience. Yes. If Lisa, who I think the world of, would have came to me and said, you got to stop snorting. I wouldn't talk to him. Fuck that. Yeah, I would have been offended.

I wouldn't talk to you and get the fuck. Don't call me no more. Don't fucking come on this podcast. Absolutely. You can fuck yourself. Yeah, that's how strongly denial is. I would tell myself, if someone's telling me that I have a problem,

it's because they're a pussy and they can't hang. That's why I don't say that. Bye, bitch. That's why I don't say that. Yeah, I would take it personal. There's somebody right now that's been calling me for the last four months and all I hear is bad things about him. I don't see him enough.

And I'm scared to call him on the phone and go, come on up, do the podcast. Yeah. And let me talk to you about what's going on because your family's calling around looking for help with you. He doesn't know I know, but he calls me once a month drunk, I think, to talk to me about it. I just don't have the boss to call him back and call his shit on it. I can't. There's certain people I could do with. There's certain people I can't.

There's certain people that I'll call them out when I get angry at the situation. Right. That's the last point This is it I've lived with this shit for three years Until then I won't say nothing to you But I had a friend recently Who was a sister-in-law

This kid's been doing comedy Fighting for years And now he's telling me the story When I go listen I don't want to say this to you We might not even be friends After this conversation Yep

But I can't have you Get yourself dragged down by somebody He looked at me with a look I go I love you that much I don't give a fuck She ain't your wife You've worked too hard to be here. Yep.

And I know how you get. Now, she's going to go to this place. You're going to fly to meet her. And there goes your comedy career. Is it worth it? And he fucking was very happy. We had the conversation. In fact, he even told the girlfriend what I said, and she loved me for it.

Oh, see, now that is priceless. Some people you just know, some people. And you got to use your intuition, man. You know, Joe Roten called me. I didn't talk them for five fucking much. Yeah. One of my best friends in my life at that. There was a point where you, I don't want to hear nothing, though.

mind your business unless you're gonna put me in the rehab drive me and pay for it and pay for that's how i was until that point shut your fucking mouth i don't want to hear nothing about my problem it's got nothing to do with you and let me that 40 dollars before you let's get that 60 you got let me i told the guy it was coming already it's uh it's a really crazy place to be i'm happy i'm out of those weeks yeah i have friends that i said you know when i when i first toned my partying down i was i would say to my closest friends. How come you didn't tell me? Like, fuck you. Like, it's your fault. Why didn't you tell me? Because I didn't know. I just thought I was having fun. Did you tone it down or did you just stop?

It depends on what we're talking about. There's certain things I just won't do anymore because I don't have control over. But I still go out and party and have a good time. No, no, no, I'm talking about alcohol and drugs. Did you just wake up a morning and said, oh, it's over? Or was it a mind fuck for a year? No. It was one of those things where I woke up and I knew that I had to stop drinking. I knew that all the drugs and stuff weren't happening unless I was drunk. I wasn't sober ordering Coke. I wasn't sober sticking nine pills of E up my ass. I wasn't sober doing any of that shit. It was once I was so faded on alcohol that I started making all these really weird,

bad, awkward, sometimes wonderfully fun decisions, but it got to a point where I realized it was just this moment of truth. It was a moment of clarity that I can't really explain. I didn't pray for it. I didn't ask for it. And it was honestly fear. The feeling of fear of what the fuck is happening to my life overwhelmed my obsession of drinking and I just never wanted a drink ever again. It was nuts. One day, no rehab. No rehab. No rehab. No gods, no nothing. No, no, what's it called when you have effects from not drinking? I had nothing. Withdrawals. Withdrawals. No withdrawals. Ten years of fucking falling down. No withdrawal. Yeah. And Joey, he has seen And there's only a few people that had seen me like that because I wouldn't like to go out

too much like that. But the last two or three years of my drinking, Joey saw what it was like. And I had no idea that I wasn't sober. I thought I was sober. When you saw me falling all over myself, not able to walk? What the fuck was that? We were at a comedy club and you were performing. No.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This was nice. Oh, was it a different time? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This was, let me tell you what this was. But that was happening on the regular. And I, in my perspective, as a drunk, I thought I was fine.

One time it was at the comedy club. Yeah. But one time... It was somewhere smaller. Okay. One time I had a movie screening. Was that it? At a fucking theater.

That must have been it. That's ringing some bells. And next door, there was a bar or something. And there you were with a group of friends. With the dudes. Yep. No, you weren't with dudes. You were a few girls when I got there.

Okay. And I hugged you, Joey, how I'm why? and you were already on your way. The cigarette was up in the air to fucking martini drink. There was drinks. And then, you didn't introduce me. So I didn't know who the fuck you could have been alone.

I might not have even known those girls. I walked away and I went back with those fucking stiffs. And I sat there and we ate. So it must have been an hour. And an hour I came back, your shirt was pulled out of your pants. Stomach was sticking out. I mean, you look beautiful. Hair was fucked up.

Yeah. You were four, and now there was two guys with you like, hi, she's with us. No, then what about you? Because when I got here, she was in fucking four brutes. Yeah. So you hugged me, and I'm thinking of myself, what can I do? And you wouldn't, you know? And the people I was where, I'm like, what?

And also the next thing you know, I went, and when I came back, gone. The two guys were there, you disappeared. That was normal. That was normal for me. And I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. It was very, very sick. And I'm able to see that now. But when I was, but at that moment in it, I just thought I was having fun.

I was told all the time by my friends, you get to a point where it's like, boom, you can't walk, you can't talk, you're fine, then boom. And that would happen all the time. And it was so weird because I just could never see it. I remember being in that body, but I don't remember not being able to walk. And then you get the phone calls from the manager of the bar that you know, oh man, you got carried out again. And we don't like people that drunk. We love you.

You're our home girl. But can you not come to the bar again if you're going to get that wasted? I'm thinking back, I'm like, dude, I was the life of that party. What the fuck are they talking about? I was buying everyone's shots. I was like, line it up in the bathroom. Like, what are you talking about? I was fine. But really, I wasn't. And it's so crazy because being a drunk or an addict or whatever some people are, when you're in it, you don't see it. In retrospect, I can totally see it. But when you're in it, you're blind to it. It's crazy. My thing was I was never a public guy. Yeah. I didn't like losing

control in public. That was very important. I grew up in my mom's bar. Yeah. And at a young age, I saw what people did when they were fucked up live and in public. In the house, you go off. But in that public, I always learned. And I have enough problems with public manners and all this shit.

One night and 84, I went off that part. I love how you remember the years of all this shit. He knows the day. He just doesn't want to tell you. It was Christmas. It was the day. It was the day or two after Christmas. Like, let's say Christmas is on a Thursday.

This was on a Saturday. And I went to this party and I started doing blow. And there was a girl that I used to date. The pussy was really good and shit. And she was another guy. And I cornered in a bathroom. And next thing, you know, we took it outside. And it became a little public.

Like, people were yelling and shit. I'm like, please, let me at least dry hump your leg one time. You know, I was out of it. The Coke. It was like I was telling Lee the other day. That was really interesting. Sometimes I call Lee and I go, Lee, get the fuck out of the house. You know, and Leo, I don't know what you're telling him.

I go, Lee, go to the fucking gym. Do you go? Yeah, yeah. We always try to, you know, help each other, whatever. But, you know, when I was telling Lee about edibles and pills, especially what happens to people when they pop pills. I go, Lee, why do you think I always get on you? After, I mean, we come here, we eat 300.

You know what happened to you? And I know you got a high tolerance. I know what would happen to me. If you ate 300 milligrams, you pass out right here. You have to call it. This shit's strong. It depends, though, because I have such an addictive personality that I might actually not pass out, but end up doing something real stupid. If it's an indica, I'll pass out.

But if it's a sitiva, my ass will be like, all going to code paranoia mode, I'll be like, oh, my God, let's put the black trash cans up over that. But it's fucking thick. We've had guests get out and walk out We had one guest We went to the hospital We had one guest who called me the next day And said dog I couldn't believe I got on the 405

We had to pull over and get an Uber Edibles are a different world Edibles are a different beast A different world And yeah I've had some bad Mother fucking trips And they're like I tell you I'm only go sweat it out

Because when I go I go league I go to Jitsu And the first five or six minutes of jihitsu is brutal Because it's not only your exercise And your body But you have a commodo on, which you're fucking 3,000 degrees.

So that first layer of all those pills and edibles and Rifa just bust out of you. Yes. When you wipe your face, you can feel it. You can taste it. You can smell it. And you don't even want to lick your own sweat because you think you're going to get high again from your own perspiration. That first thickness that goes, boop. Yes.

It's just this warm thickness. It's like a crazy glue. It's like a slimy-ass fucking gel. I just put it over my hair. I just keep putting it on my hand. What comes out after that is it's pure. But that first blast. Now, if you don't get that shit out of your system, that shit goes into your fat.

Oh, yeah. It stores in your fat. It stores in your fat. This is what people don't remember about valiums and shit like that. I've learned the hardware. I've learned to. When you eat a 10 milligram valium, your body only uses five. Right.

The other five milligrams get stored in your fat on your liver, whatever, and your fatty tissues for release later on. That's why their time release. So you eat fucking 19 volumes drinking all week, and then you go drinking fucking Friday night. It kicks up those volumes, dog. Yeah. And you're fucked up. Let me tell you some else on top.

So as we know, the different drugs that store in the fat cells. So let's say you get sober or you tone the parting down and then you lose a bunch of weight, you get fucked up from the weight loss. Oh, my God. You get fucked the fuck up when you lose two pounds of fat because those drugs that were harbored in your fat cells are now in your bloodstream again. You're like high out of nowhere and it's not even fun. You're like, oh my God, I'm fucked up for my own fat cell.

Like years of partying just coming out. You would get nasty detox symptoms. I remember I broke out. After I stopped drinking, I broke out for like three years straight. All that shit that was coming out on my fat cells, it was all coming out. It was crazy. I went through the same thing. But you know what me with the Coke?

Because I remember I used to go to Kung Fu with these black dudes when I was 400 pounds I'd work up with them and I'd just got clean off the coat when they would put me the strenuous shit like my heart was beating beast my and I'll never forget that sometimes during class I get all paranoid and shit like I'd be swatting that stuff like I'd see stuff and I go that feels like I got home coke and that was the first two three months off coke listen it was 20s you got a figure since I got out of prison in 89 I didn't stop and I finally stopped in 2007 I went straight from 89, four nights a week. Maybe once in a while I would go five nights, you know, if my resistance held on to it, you know. Yeah. But I went because I can't, like I totally, I made myself a deal. I said, listen, it's obviously I'm not going to stop doing this.

Right. I don't want to stop. It's obviously, I'm not going to stop doing this. So we might as well cut a deal with ourselves. As long as we're working, we're hustling, we're doing our job. We could snort three, four nights a week. We'll start off with a gram. And if a girl comes over or something,

then we'll kick up the package, whatever. We'll play it by you. But I had given myself the green line. I got sick and tired of snorting and beat myself up for four days. Yeah. I'm not going to get high for the four days. Just get high.

Yeah. Get high and get it out of your fucking system. Get high and get it out of your system. And eventually one day you'll go, you know what, I'm not going to do this shit no more. It's so fucking weird. It's so weird. Do you actually get it out of your system?

Yeah. The body is a miraculous thing. It's very self-healing. What we can accumulate, over like five, 10, 20 years of toxicity, our body can detox out in two years. Wow. Yeah. Well, I even meant more along the lines of like if you keep doing it to try to get it out of your system.

Oh, the craving out of your system? Because like I found out today while I was talking to my neighbor who never leaves the apartment complex. One of those, eh? Yeah. And she was telling me that one of our downstairs neighbors crashed her car and totaled it because she had like something like, she takes like 14 Vicod in a day or something. Oh, shit. She's like a nice older lady But she just takes like 14

Addiction is real And it's just as nasty as other stuff And a lot of times we think Oh our doctor prescribed it It's okay Nah doctors are the biggest fucking drug dealers on her So it's like Because a doctor writes it

It still kicks in that Phenomenon of craving that an addict may have So you know Until you deal with The awareness And the acceptance that I have a problem You're really not going to kick it Because you don't know you have a problem, especially when it's a prescription.

Now, how long after your... Moment of clarity? Yeah. Did you start going to the gym? Oh, I'd been working out. That whole time. I'd been working out. Yeah, because I was always trying to lose that last, like, six to eight pounds of what I now know was alcohol fat.

I had no fucking clue. It was my goddamn drinking. I would have stopped drinking long time ago. In the first month, I lost eight pounds of pure fat. I saw a six-pack. I was like, holy shit. If vanity is going to keep me sober, vanity's going to keep me sober. I only work out once a week. I'm ripped and shredded. All I do is lift weights and not drink. And I have the body I always wanted in my 20s but couldn't get. I was working out five motherfucking days a week.

I had a personal trainer. I was counting my calories, eating all this diet food. And I finally just got to a point after I stopped drinking, I realized it was a motherfucking drink that was hindering my fitness goals. It's crazy. So now I'm a personal trainer. And I tell people when they're like me and they have like a little bit of weight to lose, stop drinking for a month and see what happens. And if they don't have a problem, they'll stop and they lose the little weight.

And they're like, oh my God, you're a genius. And if they don't have a problem, they don't stop and they don't lose the weight. It's pretty black and one. This is my boy, Lisa. Yeah. Every time you're talking to me, he keeps checking you out. You can check, that's what I'm here for, Dave.

You want to show you? You want to touch my abs? Don't try to lie, no. You want I touch my abs? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, Lee wants to finger you. He doesn't want to touch your house. Lee's a Jew from the old country.

But my point is, but he's my brother. Yeah. You might be the only personal trainer. Lee might be at least checking you out right now. I mean, look at this. He's going over his budget right now. Look at, he's on his bank statement going. I think I could fit her in right now.

I think I'm going to have to cancel that trip with Paul to Jamaica and just fucking. No, I've just never seen someone so in shape. Oh, no, I was looking at your arms. I take no supplements. I was looking at her stomach. No. There's no. No, it's totally, I've never seen.

Oh my God. You want to touch the stomach? Yeah. I don't want to touch it. You want to fuck it? You want to grab that fucking thing. You want a six-pack fuck my stomach? That's right.

I can't bite up in the muscles, no. I didn't even mean that. I'm TV. I'm, you know, you don't understand. It's like, I don't, people don't expect it from me because I'm pretty and put together. I'm just as nasty as his motherfucker. Me and Joey are fucking nasty. No, no, we'll blow the out.

I just love. That's why we've connected. Like, you can. say anything it doesn't shock me bother me i've heard it all i've been working for you know playboy radio tv for what 14 years it's like i've heard seen everything i was in there where you were morning some fucking skanks rolled in there the chlamydia was lewd that dirty snatch you were me there and i'm like winking at each other and i don't mention the smell we were there one day and the chick came in her feet were so dirty i couldn't even take it on one there's two things i hate a woman with

dirty feet in the morning. Depends. If she's my girlfriend and she's been walking back and forth to the bathroom. Yeah. That's kind of nice.

When you know where it came from. The strip club is out and you got dirty feet. And I hate when I go to Starbucks or a coffee shop or somewhere where you have to stand online and there's women in their hair

that's still plastered from the night before they got fucked. We call that the JBF hair where it's still up like this? All I think about is you left the house without washing that fucking monkey. It's got that condom juice in it and fucking...

That fresh budisial. And you left the house I gave me that fucking flowers and water. How disgusting are you. That's how I think. Me too, though. That's why badees are fucking good. Badeys are the way to go.

This is the truth. Even before Tushy, even before Hello Tushy fucking we contacted them. Yes. I'm telling you fucking this is the way to go. It's unnecessary. Before you leave, you don't want to wash your hair,

that's fine. But let me at least give some water to the asshole just in case you bump into a freak at the coffee shop. And not in the beginning of your day, the middle, The morning, the mid afternoon. So who gives a fuck if your thighs smells like dick?

You know what I'm saying? That dick smells like fucking Agua fresca. Yes, Ipa B. Give me a drink. I love that we talk this addiction because it helps people to understand that. They're not alone for one, but two, there's hope. You don't have to live like that if you don't want. You know what the most important help was to me?

What? I would sit there at night because you're fucking intelligent. You know, you... So were you. You were very intelligent. You would sit there and go, you know what? Like, we were told me, I can't see myself sober. Yes, I didn't want to see myself sober either.

Me neither. And I couldn't imagine it. Me neither. You would have told me I wouldn't be drunk right now with you. I would have been like, oh no, I'm not doing Joey's show without a cup of cocktails. I wouldn't. No, I don't drink. What are you talking about?

I wouldn't drink. No, but me though. Fuck if you. Listen, first off, and I tell me this to his face. Yeah. If I was still snorting today, this show would have a last. to six months. And that's how sad this is.

Because if it was between me going, let's say my drug dealer call me and said, I can't meet you at 10. Yeah. I'm going to San Francisco for the weekend. I got to meet you at 630. And I already had you coming at 6. I call you and go, don't even bother.

No, I'm not the priority. Because I know that that 630 is going to be 7. Oh. Do you follow me? Yeah. So I'm not taking a chance. I'm not losing my Coke over some stupid fucking podcast. Totally.

That's how I would look at it. How could Lee? How long we've been, how much do you and I We talk about stupid shit and Jews and food and tacos And blizzard meat? How much business do we talk? How much podcast talk on future and TV? We talk about a lot of shit.

That would all have been eliminated. I would have never talked to you about that stuff. I would have come in here. We would have done the podcast. And it still would have been funny. When you would have would have done the podcast, it would have been great. But it wouldn't have been consistent. No.

No. No. No. Yeah. We started when we started this podcast five years ago, first of all, we did at 6 a.m. I said the only way we're going to start this is to introduce it on the airways is 6. So it's up by 9 and 6 on YouTube is 9. People will watch this up their fucking jobs at work.

It's hard to get guests though at 6 a.m. Yeah. It's hard to get people call. So I have to get people from the East Coast to call or we got to be up at 4 get really high and do this shit. Yes. And then by the time you lift here, I would go home and eat. I would be so fucking ripped. Yes.

Ripped. We need cheap to choose. It's six in the fucking morning. By seven, we'd be purple in the face. What is it? Well, how do you think I got to 315 pounds? I was working nights on TV. And I would go straight to his house or the office.

Yeah. And at 8 in the morning, I would leave. I get a full jack-in-the-box dinner. Dude, been there, done that, yeah. Because I was stoned at home, and I wanted fast-in-old-in-box dinner. at 8 in the morning. Oh, yeah. What's your jack-in-the-box order?

Let's see. We've done this. And I live right next to it, so it's tough. My jack-in-the-box would have been, here's, I had two orders. Okay. Depending on how much fast food would end up being. I know I want two things, at least.

Yeah. So I'm either going to get... Well, obviously, you don't go to jack-in-the-box to get a single item. No. So I'm either going to get a chicken main sandwich and get like maybe... So dink, yeah. Maybe get like a junior bacon cheeseburger in order of tacos. Yes.

Or I'll get. Speaking about language. Or I'll get a burger big one and like a crispy chicken sandwich. Yeah. So yeah. No breakfast either? No, their breakfast isn't that good. Plus, they have hash browns.

And if you're going to have hash browns over fries, you're an idiot. Yeah. Especially when you want to eat. And for people that don't know, Jack in the Box, it's kind of only in our area. I get people all the time from New York or other places I visit. Tell me about this Jack in the Box thing. I hear you guys mention all the time. It's a fast.

that's only in this kind of region. I think there's a couple in Arizona, maybe a few in Nevada. I used to eat in Boulder in 1987. Before I kidnapped Vela at that Subaru, every day about 3.30, we'd make a jack-in-the-box run. And in those days, Jack-in-the-box used to have a salad.

Yeah. Lettuce tomato with seafood. Oh, they have salads. No, but they don't have this one anymore. Oh, okay. They had the seafood. That's interesting. That's before my time.

And you put a lemon dressing on it. I would mix it in the car and the seafood wasn't seafood. No. It was this white, artificial fish. Imitation. Painted red. Yeah. Like crab meat.

Oh, glee, it was terrible. I would drink an ice tea with tons of sugars. Like, me too. Thousand sugars with extra lemons. It's delicious. It's because when you're drinking and drugging the way we were, you dull the senses so bad that you have to overwhelm it with hot sauce sugar, fake sugar, all this shit to make it taste like something. our senses are so dulled straight up. Because I know once I got clean, I was like, oh my God.

I could smell this. I ate a fruit. And I was like, holy fuck, fruit's good? Like, because I always thought fruit was whack because I couldn't taste it. Now I'm like, damn, I can taste the nuances of lemon, lime, and vanilla all up in this mango. It's crazy. I feel bad because if somebody came to me today and said they wanted, they wanted a snort Coke, I would have to look at me in the eye and go, don't do it.

and I would feel so terrible. Why? Because how you, Lee and I discussed, it leads to so many fucking... Ill effects. Well, ill effects and the... Listen, not everybody could end up like us. No, there's a most people don't.

Knock on wood. Yeah. That we don't have a story that we got kidnapped, the Colon, put this to fucking Mexico. You motherfucker. And sold us, you know. Yeah, you know, listen, there's a bunch of horror stories. Yeah, I mean, I, I, I, I,

both should not be alive. But like I had to go to fucking I was talking about this on the Marin show one time. I had to go to Beaumont. Like I was in Beaumont and I had to buy Coke. You drove to Beaumont to buy Coke? That's a motherfucking dedication. I was in Beaumont doing comedy. Oh okay. I was like that Texas doing comedy and I run out of the fucking Coke and I called this kid and he picks me up at the hotel and he goes, listen when I'm taking you, this is like white supremacy. We don't care. We'll go anywhere. And I went and I went and into white supremacy film. I said, I just saw you in a movie.

God damn it. What's your name? Diaz. And all of a sudden in the room just stopped. And I had $300 bills. I gave to him. He gave me the Coke. And I said, thank you.

And they said, thanks for coming. But just even that story, which in a way was comical, you know, like the sex stories. You look back and you're like, geez, that shit should not have gone down like that. You have to realize how lucky you are, though. I mean, I've come out of all these experienced unscathed. I have a few superficial flesh wounds from. some weird shit. I have no STDs, never been pregnant. Like, it's a fucking miracle I'm alive. I've driven off cliffs. I've driven into parked cars. I mean, I literally should not be alive.

It's crazy. So I think the point is what you said, if someone wanted to do it, you'd have a hard time being like, sure, let's go, buddy, let me rail you up. Because most people don't end up like us. We are the exceptions to the rule. I know a lot of people who did not make it out on the other side. I got my teeth. Yeah. My skin's fucked up from picking it when I get paranoid. I thought I had worms in there or pimples and I pick it with a tweezer. But in 1993, I went home. Is this heavy for you? You're like, about to like cry over here. It's a lot because I just. Because you love him. No, I love him, but it's not. I'm just trying to imagine it. And for me, the part, I get terrified at the beginning. The biggest thing is I don't want to

buy coke and then it's an undercover cop that's well yeah that's just my and i know when you guys got into it i would imagine the addiction took over that fear but even for me just a start is too scary like i just that's why you start small you do a bump of some friend's shit you don't go buy it no you and then you tell you're frank and you get me something they'll get it for you and then one day they'll go lee knock it off just go see it's it's the fucking guy that you always see go over there he'll sell it to you and next thing that you're going over and you become friends with them you have a relationship with them oh my god i need to put this out there again i've never been addicted to coke i've done a shit ton of coke all alcohol was your thing yeah once you had three beers and you're

then i was asking like it but it was anything it didn't matter what it was i was doing this that or the other shit that i would never do give me 15 drinks i was doing it all whatever heroin whatever they had never done heroin i've never injected anything no no but they would say that you want to do a line of heroin? What the fuck? I'm already here at six in the morning. You do a little line. I did I was out one night and somebody said, we got some heroin. We're here. Now, I definitely, I definitely know I've done ecstasy pills that had heroin in them. Yeah, yeah. And I didn't care because I was wasted. No, no. But had I been like eight drinks previous? You would really be one of those people that put the ecstasy in your butt with the turkey baster? Not with my fucking finger.

All you need is two knuckles. You know, I need. And now how long would it take to get high once you put the ecstasy in your ass? Minutes. You don't know when you weren't high. It. It It's your rocket propelled to the next dimension. It's not like when you... Does it melt in the ass? And it burns. She doesn't know one you got to dance. That's why you have to go up two knuckles.

If you only go up to the first one, you're going to put it out. And you're going to lose the pill. And once it's out, you don't want to put it back in. So you got to stick it up far enough with, you know, some saliva. Get it in there. And it stays up past that second sphincter. People don't understand the anatomy. There's two sphincters.

The one that's on the outside, then about two inches up. There's another one. You got to get peasant. past that one and then you're smooth sailing. Now, all this shit I heard in Hollywood that people would take... You're lying. Exosy and mix it with Viagra.

Oh, see, I've never done that. And they were put it in turkey basters and put it up your asshole. You can do innemas of stuff. I just felt like that's a waste of time process and energy. I'd rather just stick the pill straight up there instead of like getting a turkey baster out

and making a big thing of it. How many years ago, I bumped into a guy. Especially because of Coke, that he was putting Coke rocks. up as asshole because you couldn't snort anymore or something happened. Well, yeah. I was getting to a point where I, not to a point, it happened from the beginning where I would swallow a pill of ecstasy and my body would just reject it so I'd throw it up and I'd be sifting through vomit trying to get that pill in there again. I'm like, this is not worth it. This is stupid. This is

sick. And I would tell myself, I'm not doing E tonight. Not doing E. Not worth it. Gives me a stomach eight. Makes me yak. Then I'd get drunk. Where's the E? Give me the E. And I got to a point where I heard from some friends, just stick it up your ass, you won't throw it up. Once you stick it up your ass, it absorbs so much more quickly and harder, and it hits you harder that you really don't want to go back to swallowing it or even snorting it. That burns. So you can tolerate a little asshole burn for that boom. Oh my God. This is a deep fucking conversation at 4 in the afternoon. I love it. Two knuckles deep, baby. Oh my God. I never got into X-S-S-C because I was too old.

But you did quailudes, right? I did quail lids. See, I missed quailudes. And I was ever going to. In my world, you want me to tell you something? I thought about it. I'm not fucking retort. In my world, a quailout is a hidden ecstasy is a dressed up quailout. Okay.

That's what I, that's what I did. It just evolved. Yes. That's it. It's just a pill evolved. They said, what if some dude one morning said, what if we take that quailout and sprinkle fucking heroin on it? Yeah.

Or meth or whatever else. And some other guy said, what if we take a little meth on that? What if we took cocaine on there? What if we put a little acid on that? And that was the fun. of it not knowing what kind of pill you were getting oh my god you could kind of you know special order i want ooh a double stacked blue one or i want a red one or i want this stamp on it but you never really knew what you were getting and so you could kind of guess by the color but you'd take one

be like ooh this one had meth in it can't stop dancing can't shut the fuck up or one would be like pure mdMA and you're like oh i want a massage everyone so it really was like a choose your own adventure because you really didn't know and that was part of the sick fun it's it's wild Now, what was the shit people were shaking up 10 years ago in 1999? What do you mean shaking up? 2000, it came in water and a liquid. G. G. H.B?

Yes. What was that shit? G. I never did, G. Okay. But from what I know, it is in the date rate drug, but when you take it consciously and with your own intention, it's very much like ecstasy. Oh, I love you. Sex is amazing.

I can feel every cell in your body. You can feel mine. My heart's opened up. I heard it's very similar. I looked for it. I wanted to do it a few times, but it just. I had this crazy, I had this crazy little part-time friend, fuck buddy. Yeah.

In 1998, 99, maybe 97. It was my brokest point. She was a filthy rich girl. And on Sunday night she would go to the comedy store, and I met her through acquaintances. I went to their house when she was there. She was gorgeous, towering, gorgeous, big, big girl. She became a big-sized model girl. And she was very sweet, and I talked to.

When I just came into a comedy store, started yakking a drink. You want to do a blast, no shit. You know, by your looks, I didn't think he did blow. Yeah. She gave me a blind of her shit. Next thing you know, she was like, you want to come to the house and party. We swapped spit. I never thought nothing of it.

Yeah. Week later, she, I thought that girl was just drunk last night. Yeah. She would never kiss me. The next fucking Sunday, hi, how are you? Again, this one on. You're very lovable, though, Joey. We went to a Janet Jackson concert together.

She would let me give my love. She would let me do my laundry at a house. I love this. She knew I was fucking broke, but she understood. Her father was a manager to actors and shit. But then she went, she was another one that went from, like, and you've dealt with these people that for three or four months, they hid it. They disappeared just like I hit it. I was hiding.

I would be with Lethal 2. And after 215, Lee, I was deep. already. You thought I was going home. I was just with him. Yeah. What do you mean he's not answering his phone at 10 in the morning? Yeah. Oh my God. I always had it planned out from the minute I left the house. She was good for a couple months and then one night she showed up at the fucking, she wasn't good. Then no, she showed up with G in a water bottle and we drank it and we fucking started blacking out at the comedy store. Yeah. At the store, we started blacking out. And then she called the cab and we booked that in the cab, went

into a house. We fell asleep in a fucking cab. Then we got up and went into a house. So you probably took a little too much. I think we fucked and then we got in there. I remember we woke up naked the next day. It was very embarrassing. That's it. That was the end of that. Then I went over and I was again one time. You just couldn't get enough. And then no, she's like, let's do some blow and she started to open up her kitchen cabinets. And my friend, what? What was in there? What was in there? Everything. Where is this girl?

Is it time for a relapse? It used to be. It was 19. It was ed. And she was one of those girls that we didn't have sex right away. Yeah. She would dress up in little lingerie suits. Yes.

And heels and that shit drives me crazy. What's your favorite outfit that a girl can wear? The pussy. I don't want to see it naked. I don't want to see nothing. I don't want to get no candles. There's no preference, like a French maid, a cheerleader, a this or that. You don't give a fuck?

You look beautiful today. Oh. That's it. Yeah. I don't understand. Now show me your monkey. Yeah. Like that motherfucker on fire.

It's a Chinese New Year. It's the year the monkey. Fuck yeah. Yeah, you know, I don't like outfits. You know what I'm here. You're like, give me the fucking shit. I didn't come here to see dress up. I like when they're naked.

I like when they, you want to do a little dance. Yes, I like that too. One time. Yeah. You know, don't fucking do an extended disco version because then we're going to have a problem. I always felt like dressing up was a little, like, juvenile and comedic and farcical. Like, oh, I'm really a cheerleader right now with little pigtails in.

Like, clearly I'm not fucking 18 in high school. I hate when you talk to me weird. Yeah, like, oh, spank me. It's like fucking shut up. I can't take myself seriously. I want some cop, you dirty, fat motherfucking cute. Stuff that big ass cock in my tight little pussy. Yeah.

Smack me. Is this all you could do? Oh, yeah, right there. There you go. Fuck yeah, Joey. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What's the matter?

Why you're bringing heaven? Oh, yeah. Did you come, Joey? What the fuck is going on with you? Fuck, Joey. I would have already come by that. But that's what we're a real lover. We don't need that pomp in circumstance bullshit.

I would have said, Jesus Christ, my blood pressure medication. They're taking me to the dungeon again. We keep it real. And I think that's why we don't like that shit because it's inauthentic. It's stupid and it's nonsensical. I don't need someone in an outfit or I don't need me in an outfit to get me going. If I like you, I just need to see you or talk to you or touch you. Talk to you for a while, listen to music.

Just get to know you. Let me put something on. You put on some music. I didn't know you like that. I do understand, though. Some people feel like the sex life gets stale. They need that stuff. I don't know.

I've not got to that point in any of my relationships where I need outfits. But I do understand people who do say it does enhance their sex life. So I'm not putting them down. I'm just saying for me, I find it comical. I like some heels from time to time to get the party started. Some nice sexy fucking heels. Some nice shoes.

There's times I'll see a woman that isn't even that attractive. Yeah. But I can tell by her shoes, she's a fucking savage. Yes. Because if you can walk. in with that trajectory it means you have control of all your muscle groups and if you can walk like that like a runway model you can throw it down in the bed it's not every pair of shoe that's your shoes that drive me crazy even the flip flop yeah the flip

blop when you let the flip blob drop and that heel just extends that's a sexy are you a foot man I don't suck feet I don't touch feet I just like to see him if you know he admires pretty feet that's all looking at if we're banging and your feet up in the air and for some reason I see your heel and it's got a little dirt on it that's when the nut blows right there really oh yeah a little dirt on the heel those little Irish chicks that's my world right there those little dirty Irish women they fucking take the life out of me and shit I love it a little dirt a little dirt maybe a little dirt on the neck you know what I'm saying but the monkeys got to be fresh who the fuck's I just heard who

sound garden okay I like the I like something you know a weird weird the dirty feel all right something though dirty feel yes like a dirty feel that's the illusion it's gonna be dirty but when you take a sniff and it's a fucking flower you understand me but she's got dirty feet i understand that's where the whole ptois comes in the monkeys clean that's the paradox right there but the feet are fucking dirty lisa what do you think of that i like it i also i know trust me i like thongs but i like where is by the way i like songs yeah oh yeah no well not me not on me but no i know i know

I know. But actually my favorite are actually boy shorts. Yeah, they make anyone's asses better. That's why. Yeah, you have to have a perfect body to rock a G string. You can't have a subpar ass and make a G string look good. The smaller the underwear is, the more perfect a woman's body needs to be to make it look banging. Boy shorts are more forgiving.

They create an illusion of a big, juicy ass even when you may not have one. So someone with a big juicy ass, their ass looks amazing. Someone without a big juicy ass, their ass looks amazing. It still looks good. It's a magic trick. Yeah. And then it's a beautiful one. I'll take it.

So all those years at Playboy, you met all those girls. Yeah. I love most of them. You get to know them. I did 18 Wheels of Justice. And one of the girls that played a hooker was a, she lived on the, whatever the fuck it was up there with Hugh. Oh, she lived at the mansion. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She lived in the mansion on the Hill. Okay. A lot of plastic surgery. She was trying to look like somebody. This is 98. Okay.

The ice cream man's outside. This is the Mexican ice cream. I heard him a few minutes. I keep hearing those bells. I'm like, is that the Mexican ice cream that my motherfucker rocked? Dude, I love me. I haven't had that shit in so long. There's something about the ice cream truck ice cream that is just not like any other.

No, no, this motherfucker is the best. He's got the bomb mom. He's got the bomb mom. He's got a fucking banana split, which I don't eat since I was eight. That's what I'm saying. That's not even good anymore. That's bomb. That will fucking rock your world.

That little. I'm fresh fruit. He's Mexican. I love fresh fruit too. And fruit just came out of the fucking border. Yellow banana, no fucking brown spots. Yes. He gives you dairy queen vanilla with two things and a pound of whipped cream.

Mexican whipped cream butter. Everything that's gonna kill your fucking heart. Yeah. Not ready with. No, that's so bad for you too. It hasn't even tasted. He charges $4.50. I'd do that side.

I'll be right back. One time me, my daughter, and mercy fucking ate one. That's how big it is Me, my wife And Mercy ate one Mercy was two at the time I love this We blasted the banana split

Because that's the one that used to come to our house too That's so cool It's the same motherfucker I love it And look at you supporting business like that Mom, Pa business He sells everything on that You can probably buy a gun from that guy

He's got a kilo blow He's got ice cream He's got shoes He's got suits He's got lounges He's got cheese burgers That's my kind of guy That dude's got crackers

Bubblegum He's got fucking and everything on there. You know what? He'll come around now. It's five or six o'clock. See, that's his timing was always bad. Like he come over at six. Kids aren't going to jump out of the house at six. They're eating dinner. But this motherfucker comes back at eight. And about 10.30, he comes back. Sometimes you're sitting there watching KTLA News at 10. Think it to yourself. Think it to yourself. I wish the Mexican ice cream man was here. See, that's probably what he'd show up. He'd show up. He probably doesn't at six because he knows

everyone's having dinner he's like it's a little reminder it's a alert he only he only he he's a genius yeah he will be in front of you and he won't ring the bell after 10 he just sits in front of the house of your fat and he lets the engine roll and you'll be sitting in the room going you can feel his presence oh my god you're running you fucking i used to see that guy 1045 i'd run down the block when my wife was pregnant that dude and me had an intimate fucking relationship those nights i stayed in towards the end i would run out there with that dude dog what the fuck you've been oh his family they took me oh what i did so how did you manage to stay i know you said you worked out every day but yeah that's like that that's what everyone says is

they gain weight when they drink and i can't imagine that you were that money you said you no i was i was like a hundred and twenty eight pounds um my boobs were a full uh full cup size bigger i was a d uh all natural so my boobs were very heavy and i just had a lot of water retention that shit's heavy man my face was bloated i was i was still looking good though but i wasn't looking like i look like me this is how i'm supposed to look before i looked like a puffed out version of me and i didn't know any better so yeah you lose the water weight you lose the excess fat and boom when i saw you putting up the videos and stuff and you working out and talking yeah i thought about a lot of people who i didn't know your game i didn't know what was going on i didn't even know you stopped drinking no you

look like you stopped drinking yeah you can tell you can tell and i could tell that and i could tell that But I'm like, if she's one of these fucking people that got clean, went to rehab, and got the jumping jacks for the first time of their life night. Fuck no, I've been an athlete since I was a child. I got to hear it for fucking 10 years. No. How they work out every day? Because with me, I grew up as an athlete.

Me too. Even when the beginnings of doing blow, I was doing shit. Oh, my gosh. And then when I moved to Hollywood, I didn't do dick because that dude died. He did blow the night before. The next day, he played basketball. And he died. I said, fuck that.

I'll never go to the fucking gym. You know, my trainer told me because I was very honest with everyone about my alcohol use and my drug use. And I just said to my personal trainer, can I come to the gym, coked out or drunk? She goes, no, come the day after. So you can get out of your system. But don't come in fucked up. No, no. It was so funny that me and my trainer, my health trainer, were, like, talking about my drug use.

And it still was never brought up like this. Maybe you should not do it at all. You know, like no one ever said, no one ever. said to me once, don't do it. Not that it's their responsibility or their fault I did what I did, but it's just so funny how no one was like, stop bitch. Well, let me tell you something. It's really weird.

When I first met you, the next couple times, and this is hard to explain to somebody because you'll see it for me also because we discussed it before the podcast started. This was part of who you were. Absolutely. This was part of your fucking job. Absolutely. This was who you were. Artie Lang, that's who he was

on the Howard Stern Show. People expected it. Why? Because we all love a train wreck. That's who I was. People love watching a train wreck sometimes. I remember one night throwing a fit. I didn't talk to Steve Byrne for years. Oh shit. And he's the

nicest guy in the world. He is so sweet. He is one of the best fucking guys in comedy. Yeah. Good guy. And one night and one of those cocaine, one of those cocaine... You know when you... You know when you're not on Coke? Because when you party,

I could see the clarity in your... your eyes now. Yeah. Oh, I was totally, totally cross-eyed. 100%. When you party, like, let's say if I went out tonight and did a grandma Coke, maybe three vodka oranges, uses the comedy store. On the way home, we stopped and we got a six-pack of beer.

But I did that grandma blow, whacked off twice and went to bed. Tonight's Tuesday night? Yeah. My Wednesday night set, even if Richard Pry got up from the grave and wrote it, Robin Williams and Sam Kenneson. Oh, shit. I would still not do well because I got to tell you something, it would stay in my psyche, the drugs, that Coke. Absolutely.

The electric or something that's in that Coke would stay in there. So what would happen? I'd say to myself, you know what, I'm fucked for the week anyway. Yeah. I'm going to get another package. I'll go get another package on Wednesday and I'd fuck it up. And then Thursday I get lucky from just being crazy. From just being crazy and them catching the tail end of a Coke.

induced rant. That is funny to look at. Yes. But not from my perspective. You know, it was just bullshit. Not in the moment, no. It was just bullshit. That's what it is.

All those drugs and alcohol was your years, and for me it wasn't alcohol, I gotta stop saying that. It was basically you're not in the moment. No, not at all. And it feels like shit when you're up there. It's anguish. It feels like shit up there.

It feels horrible. Yeah. It feels like that up there. But weren't you drinking when you were doing coke? Yeah, but he wasn't drinking to get drunk. You kind of drink to do coke to take the edge off, right? Or just to do something because you get shittery. For me, I would just do it to have something to hold on to.

Okay, so rule number one, I never did coke before I went on stage. Oh, really? My spots were 1130. So, you know, you got to have the fucking strength of 10 fucking, what's a dude who walks on colds? Anthony Robbins. You got to have the strength of 10, Anthony Robbins, to not snort until 10 o'clock, 1130 a day. So, it's an ego boost. What I would do, I would go to the store at 930, make sure the guy had it, or stop at El Camadre, get a package there, and then go up to there and get another package from him so they both didn't know I had a package.

Right, right. That was a good night when I had two packages. For sure. And I'd get on the fucking pop-up list. So there was a cancellation. I'd go up first. If not, I went up at 1145, 1130 about, let's say you came to me and said, Joey, you're next. I'd go to the bar and get a white rush.

maybe two white russings. I could drink those things like a fucking animal. Yeah. I just know that the Kalua, the sugar and the kalua, would kill me as a hangover. So I'll keep them down to one. Right. Then the next thing I drink, I would probably be like, if I was driving, fuck no, I wouldn't fucking.

If I was driving, I wouldn't do dick. Right. But if I wasn't driving, I'd do a little whiskey on the rocks. And then I'd already have the two packages in my pocket. I'd go on stage with the whiskey. in me or the white rushing in me to calm my nerves for those last 15 minutes before I had to go on stage. Takes the edge off.

Because, no, it takes the edge off waiting to snort to blow. Well, yeah, because that's anxiety at that point. That's anxiety at that point. But the time I got off stage, I didn't give a fuck if Cindy Crawford had a legs up in the air. I would walk right past her into the bathroom. Hey, Joey, good set. Great. I walk right past everybody and go in the bathroom and do two blasts.

get an attitude adjustment, and now I could come out and talk to people. Now I was good. I do. That would just open up the path and give me a little self-confidence. I'd go back, I'd have a beer, and then I had to go home to get that fucking fire started.

Totally. It sounds silly, but I've been to the comedy store many times when the bathrooms are filled. What would happen? You just fucking bust that shit up. You make it happen. I found the place. That Coke was ready to go, was grinded up.

Yeah, I mean, it doesn't, yeah, You prepare for it. You get the key ready. You have a little bullet ready. I've done it off the side of a driver's license. I mean, I've done it hiding under my hair before. You know, when you want to do it, you make it happen. Hiding under your hair is a good one.

Yeah, I'm lucky, right? No, but like, you'll notice a lot of people have coke nails, and you're like, really? Is that for looks? No, usually it's to just bust a bus whenever. We were, a guy who was on George Perez, a good friend of us a couple weeks ago. And we were talking about he didn't know what was the word tweaking met. Okay, doing meth.

Well, because I used to do coke And I used to tweak Oh, really? Well, tweaking is when you get paranoid And all that shit Oh, I thought tweaking was like a moniker For doing meth But yeah, tweaking paranoia for sure

Like I would go Like I would... Then I've tweaked a lot on a lot of stuff Yeah, and I would tell Lee like, you know The worst thing about that whole evening It'd be at the end of the night When you had to go to the bathroom and pee And you had that last glance of yourself in the mirror

I wouldn't even look at it. Yeah, see what I'm saying? that last glance of yourself is the truth that you never want to face. And the first time you do, then you start facing that mirror. You cry in front of it. You promise yourself you're never going to do this again. And then 20 minutes later, you're doing it again.

You're on the phone with fucking Julio looking for a fucking kilo and shit. I invited my dealer to my wedding. What? Oh, you have to. Yeah, yeah. That's a smart way. Yeah. That's the only way to do.

I was like, ooh, free wedding gifts. And he gives you an A ball plus. On the house. Plus, he fucking sits there all night. Yes. Giving it away. Oh, yeah. Please.

I had my fucking dealer close to everything. And if I owed him money, I'd have him close to me. I'd tell him to come down that I was going to give him. I was working four guys at once. And it was classic. He had that rotation. I had a guy. My brother.

He's still my brother until today. I'd make him come down to the comments. So I'd tell him like 10 guys want to buy it. And he'd come down. I don't know where they went. And now you got it. Yeah, but you owe me money. Just give me a package, what the fuck?

200, 400, who gives a fuck? Yeah. It's all going to the same place. When fucking Jay Leno calls. What he thinks going with me to the performance? And what he thinks is cash in the check with me? Tell me. Who?

Who? Me? All right thing. Give me a goddamn fucking back. Let me get some shout-out to you. Please do. I'm happy you came up to that. My main man who we met at the store, Garnett,

only Chuck, you bad motherfucking, and I love you. John Wolf J. T.J. Gonzalez. Jesse Castro. Philip Rusty. You're a fucking star. Tom Gimulski.

Chris O'Hara. Bob Lalinges and family. Shouts out to Chicago. Hoping not shoveling snow cock suckers. Ashley Risa and Dave Repreza. Nice. What are you fucking nuts?

Don't forget. I'll be at the Tolucauca Cascino January 6th. I hate blowing. fucking smoke up your people's asses but I gotta tell you now that's it I just got out of the way I usually don't tell you people to after Christmas because who gets a fuck about new years all the week after new years I really you know and I told them they call no we can think that far in advance anyway just tweeted I said dog nobody gives a fuck right now everybody's thinking about jingle bells

yeah and where you going for christmas home my family's home long beach California born and raised really yeah yeah everyone's local I'm a california girl oh my god they were from ohio everyone always thinks that. You have an Ohio look to you. My great grandparents are from Ohio. There you go. So who the fuck you think you're dealing with? I can even break you down with a fucking...

You got that lineage discernment. He's like, you're going to be you, Tarzan. How you feel? What are you got to plan for the weekend? What are you a plan for the weekend? What's up? What is it? The zip line and you put them out of business.

Did he break it or what? He almost did. You motherfucker did. You're a lot. See, this is how rumors get started. They threw them out. He couldn't work the break. Tell me there's a video.

It's a fucking handbrake. What do you mean? Couldn't work the break? No, no, no, no. Okay. No, no, no. Okay, no, you need to defend yourself because all you do is... I do, is this.

No, I know. I know you know how to do that. I know how to do it, yes. So what, we went up to this place, and I've gone zip-line a thousand times and haven't broke anything. Okay. You never went ziplining before. Okay. Why you blow smoke up my ass?

I'm a world-class zipline. I've never went ziplining before. Stop. bullshit right there. You got talked into this. Where was the zip line? Was this downtown LA? Was this the Amazon forest? Where the fuck was this? It was like...

Las Vegas strip? No, it's like an hour north of here. It's like a forest. I don't know. It's like an hour. It's an hour away from here. Okay. You went to the mountains. I went to the mountains. And this place, it was really cool. It had the ziplines all throughout the big of the trees. Hey, I'm a good zipliner, Joey.

But anyways. They pushed you off? No, no, no. They didn't have any brakes on it. It had no brakes. So how was one to stop? Do you get caught by the other person, or what do they tell you to do? They tell you, you have to pull you to literally, like, make your hand flat.

Okay. And put it on the... So apply pressure to the wire. To the wire in front of you. Got it. And you have to do it slowly because if you put it down too fast, it's going to go crazy and you're going to stop. Yeah, you want to apply it smoothly and with even pressure.

and then harder and harder. I got it. Right. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. You painted a very nice picture. And so what happened, Bo? So what happened was, and if you go to their Yelp page, it proves my point.

They give you literally two tries, and apparently I didn't do it. I didn't hurt myself. I got to the thing. Yeah. But they said I didn't do it satisfactory. And four people ate. Fuck it is. Why are they yelping you on your performance?

their place when they didn't give you proper instruction. Exactly. Let's do an uprising. And I'm saying like, just give me a, because we were just in like this little practice area. I'm like, give me a little.

Oh, wait, well, wait, you weren't even up on the thing. This was the practice area? No, no,

no, no, we were up in the trees, but it was like, it was at the spot because they do it. I got you. I got you.

They have it set up so they can send half the groups home. If you go to their homepage, Mr. Diaz, where they have very, should we just go and show him up? That's closed down. Oh.

It closed down. He took the rope down in the training areas and chairs. I don't take any ropes down. You know what? You probably saved some lives. I did. This incident, you are a hero, young man. Thank you.

I want to be honored by the city. I'm telling you, your misfortune in that circumstance probably saved the lives of tens of people. Don't believe that. Don't mind. See, I'm an optimist. I'm forever an optimist. I always find the highlighting in awkward stories. So after 14 years, Blaborn.

radio. Yeah. Just got an email, got a call. Truckers are fucking jerking off. You know, it was a slow dissolving. First, we were no longer on Sirius XM. Then we had created our own home, living online, where people could listen to us live on demand, on podcast.

We tried to give our fans a place where they could find us because we never renewed our contract with satellite. Then it was podcast only. Then it was live broadcasting certain days a week plus listening on demand and finally it became fewer shows and then I was one of the last ones standing and then finally it was just we don't have the opportunity to keep doing this. So we just fizzled out. I know that we are still available in places like dash radio and stuff, but my shows aren't on there. I don't think. If they are, I don't know.

And now you're doing what? Now I'm really focusing on health, wellness, personal training. I'm still doing voiceovers. I'm still doing random acting stuff here or there. doing the Mr. Skin podcast. I'm just staying busy. I've been a personal trainer for the last five years. I love helping people.

I obviously don't do it for the money because it's not a very lucrative business. I love taking... You busted it. I love taking some clay and molding it. And he tried to look at you with a little Jew look. Let me tell you, though. He looked at your smile and he went like this.

He took a look at the belly. He likes you. There's no secret. Everyone's like, what's your fucking secret? The secret is there is no secret. Don't eat like a fucking animal and move your body every once in a while, lift heavy shit and have the body of your dreams.

You lift heavy shit? I lift heavy shit. I don't do any cardio. It's a waste of motherfucking time. I go on adventures. I go for long ass 13-mile hikes. Oh, that sounds terrible. I do things like ziplining.

I go kayaking, but I'm not going to go on a treadmill. What do you do? You just do weights. I just lift weights in functional exercise. Dead lifts. You name it. Squats. Yeah.

Or leg squat machine. I don't go on machines. I feel like machines are cheating and bullshit. Just fucking weights. You want weights. If you want to get full body engagement, work the core, get stable everywhere, you need to get off the fucking machine. Stop isolating your muscles. When in life are you isolating your quad?

Never. Do movements that you're actually going to do in real life. Hey, I'm moving something. Maybe I'll squat up and lift it. You're not going to ever sit down and flex your fucking leg out, right? So why would I do that in the gym? I only want to do movements that are going to make my life better. You should take a lead on a long beach.

I have a full gym at my place. You can come over. I'll cook you love. lunch. Holy, there you go. Work you the fuck out. And she puts on tight little shorts and a tight little shirt. It's over.

Yes. You know what I'm saying? If you're lucky, she won't wear undies, so you get the full patois to work out. Oh, there's nothing better than a camel toe. Stop it. While you're working out, you'll do a thousand push-up staring out of camel-thug. I think she might be book solid after this podcast. I don't know.

I mean, I do scare a lot of people off. But the fact is, I only do things that aren't going to waste your time. And I'm only going to do exercises that I know are effective. and I'm going to tell you what I've done, and you can use that as kind of suggestions. I don't force a diet on anyone. I don't force anyone to do anything, but I tell you what I did,

and if you like how I look, maybe you'll do what I do. But it's only by suggestion. The only thing I demand you do is the work we're doing in the gym. Three sets of everything. You know what I'm really happy to see you today? Thanks.

I'm happy to see you. Because I didn't think you were not. I never know. Because I thought you were going to be dead now. No, no, no. No, no. By the time I saw you outside, you were like a ray of sunshine,

and you didn't. come in here, you know, bad Playboy Radio ended. What the fuck do you want from me? No, we're friends. No, no, no. I'm just saying, like, Playboy Radio ended. That's your attitude. What the fuck do you want from me?

Yeah. Some people come in here and go, fuck damn. They did this and they did that. You know what? They gave you 14 fucking years away. I am grateful for that world. Oh, my God. How lucky you.

I am so fucking grateful. And sometimes jobs are mentored. Sometimes I'm like, you know what? I really enjoyed it. You know, it was time to pull the plug on that one. Let me tell you. every day. So I've always worked for Playboy for the last 14 years. I've lived in Irvine. I've lived in Tustin. I went to school at UCI. I've lived in Long Beach. I've driven to Playboy that

whole time for the last 14 years. What do I do when I'm driving? I'm in gratitude. Thank you for this work. I understand that as a female that pretty much is only known for getting naked, having a regular job is not normal. People are waiting tables. They're doing side jobs. They're doing all the stuff. I had a job every day, three hours a day, set call time for 14 motherfucking years. I started on Playboy TV on their naked news called The Weekend Flash. I've done tens of other shows on Playboy TV. I've always had Playboy radio for the last nine years. So I've done 29 Playboy pictorials for their special editions, college girls, book a lingerie, natural beauties, what, like you name it, I've done it. I've had full time work for Playboy. And even I was crazy

and self-centered and like full of my ego and bullshit, I always knew to be grateful for that work. Now, you and Lee and myself were talking about how I first saw you. It was on TV. Yep, on The Surreal Life on VH1. What year is that? That was, I believe, 2006.

That was when I saw you. That was 10 years ago. I was 22 years old because I remember they made fun of me for being young and dumb on that show. 22 years old. Yeah. And I thought I was so smart and so hot.

I look back and I'm like, I was just young and not. naive and foolish. But wow, what a trip. Yeah. And that was the beginning of, uh, Celebrality. That was when reality shows really took off.

There was, you know, a smattering of reality TV. There were some documentary type shows. There was the real world on MTV. But there was no celebrity reality shows. So the surreal life was the first reality show that tapped into that celebrity brand. And to be honest,

brought in a bunch of washed up CD list actors that whose careers had kind of fizzled, that they wanted to be on the spotlight again and rehabilitated their careers in a way, put them in the spotlight, give them a fat paycheck. And then they took some, they couldn't have it like, you know, the oldie special.

So they'd throw in a couple of girls like me, some girls from like American Idol that were young and hot or playmate of the year, this or that. They found me through Playboy TV. And I filled that role of like the young, hot, drunk one

that's willing to get naked and jump in the pool. What was season was that? I was season six, which was Florence Henderson, C.C. DeVille, Tony C. Sherman Hemsley

and there's a few others too but then I did season seven right after it which was the fame games where they took all this season previous cast favorites so me Ron Jeremy Vern Troyer you know Peppa from Salt and Peppa

Vanilla Ice all the characters and Robin Leach put us in a house together and that was when shit went down it was fun it was a lot of fun it's emotionally exhausting though I always tell myself I'm never going to do reality again

it was such a hard experience but fuck yeah I'd do it again. It was fun. Yeah, it's a little stressful while you're doing it, but it actually made me smarter, savier, more confident, way more street smart. You know, I really am grateful for that opportunity, even though it was kind of a pain in the ass to do. I don't like cameras on me. But maybe that's why you need it. It's kind of that exposure. Like you're exposed to the fear. You're exposed to what you don't want. And then when you can't leave it, it's literally everywhere. I'm a ham. I love being on camera. And I'd be like,

like trying to pop a motherfucking blackhead. And I'm like, dude, can I get any privacy? Like, they are literally on you every second of the day. The only time they are not filming you is when you're on the toilet or in the shower. It's crazy. Do you think it would be hard today to get on to do a reality show like that? Because you couldn't have your phone or social media and internet? No.

That wasn't that big back then. It wasn't that big then, but it was still an issue. They do take your phone. And, you know, I've always been a texter. Yeah, it would be really challenging There was no clocks on the wall There was no magazines There was no books, there was no TV

Because there's just a top shelf bar They want you guys to get a little tipsy And start having interactions with each other Because that's where the TV's made That's where the drama is So if you have distractions, phone, Magazine's TV books, you're not going to interact So they create a scenario

Where you will get tipsy And you have no choice but to entertain each other A month No leaving? No. Well, leaving for like events, adventures. Oh, we have this plan. We're going to go to downtown Las Vegas today and we're going to do this, that, or the other, oh, we're going to be judging this or we're going up to wine country. They would plan events, but for the most part, you're stuck in that house. Yeah, it was nuts. And that's why it was emotionally exhausting. I just want to call my boyfriend. I just want to fucking see my dog. I just want to fucking know what goddamn time it is. Fuck it. Let's just drink. I mean, it was stressful. And you don't realize it. And people are like, oh, my God, really that stressed you out. bitch, what a quality stressor to have. But it really is stressful because you're put in an emotionally draining situation and you're being filmed.

So not only are you like on camera, so you're trying not to act like you're acting, but you are. And then you're stressed out and you're drunk and you're deprived of everything that matters to you. It's really emotionally draining. See, for me, I like, I'm a pot smoker. Yeah. And my pot smoker kind of fills my personality.

Well, you know, you have to assume if you see me, I'm 60%. stone like no no you got to assume 90% that I'm fucking high that may have to rate what grade right how far deep I'm into my mind fuck right you understand yeah I'm a former huge stoner I gotta tell you something man when I'm deep into my mind fuck you don't want to be filmed well yeah what what the fuck is it Lee well I didn't know if you weren't Lee you're the can Captain Kirkland Enterprise how many times you say something and I go Lee what do you You're going to bother me with this one?

You know this answer. Go do it. He's a smart guy. What are you thought? You're the fucking, you run this shit. I just come in and fuck around with you. And I could see him looking at me. It's because I'm deep.

I'm three days in. We just put in 300 milligrams of fucking tar and fucking... The transmission fluid? Let me tell you. I'm one of those people that I look at the label of everything. That's some quality shit right there. No, that's made with the lady at... That's some bomb.

See, nobody tells you nothing. this Namparini goes, you know why that shit's fucking people up? And they sell everything there. It's not clean. She goes, no, it's got oil. Yeah. It's made with this fucking oil. That's what I'm saying.

And it knocks you over the top. We're the only two animals that can eat 300 milligrams. Not too many people could eat out 300 milligrams of that shit. Yeah, and it was so oily. You know how we said earlier, how the THC and other drugs are stored in your fat? So the oil is what exacerbates the high. So when you get something hell of oily like that, it's going to hit you hard. It's going to hit you clean.

It's going to hit you fast. Tomorrow I go to Jiu-Jitsu. I love that. And after 10 minutes of me fucking on the bottom, sweating, anxiety sweat. Yes. Oh, it's all smelling and slamming. You know, tomorrow I go to Jiu-Jitsu. I'm jumping rope to warm up.

I'll do some kettlebells to warm up. I'll stretch my shoulder. I'll do that. See, functional training. Functional training. They have like tactical fitness there, so they have a lot of that shit. I want to come play with you. So I'll warm up over there.

And then at 12, I jump into the jihitsu. During the warm-up, I'm having a fucking. and mental breakdown because I can't breathe right I'm on my back I'm doing sit-ups I'm going jumping jacks I'm doing squats but I'm breathing out of my nose to the to the movement I just keep telling myself to breathe I do that too I breathe to the cadence and the rhythm and you have to that's yes I'm like two and two out you're up and next thing you know you're stretching it's the end of the warm up and right there when I go like this with my hand I wipe my hand that first layer of sweat that's coming out of me, guys, is the best.

And then you wipe it on your ghee, and from therein, everything changes. And then another batch comes out later on. That's from 1988. That was stuck in your foot, fucking fat. To have some old resources. And then you start, it's amazing. I love all that shit. I always knew at a young age.

For me, after I did blow, I didn't want to sweat because I didn't want to bother the heart. Yeah. As long as I had miso soup and sushi, I was going to be okay. that. Okay. You understand me. That was my little mind fuck. That was your healing for healing myself. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. How long did it take you to clean my system? No, no, no, no. After you stopped drinking, it took you like six months to realize what you had done. It took me like six months to realize. No, I knew. Were you on shaky ground, those six months? I was emotionally unstable. Did you think I would call you? Not me. Could anybody at that time had convinced you to go have a drink?

No. You were good. You were gone to go. I was immediately. You weren't walking on nightshows because you were like, St. Paddy's is coming. No, I actually, this is so funny. I had my last drink on March 3rd, and I was like, oh, shit, St. Patrick's Day. Yep. Maybe I should wait till the 18th and start from me. And they're like, just don't go out.

It's just another day. You know, and they go, yeah, but it's a holiday and it's a drinking holiday. They said, bitch, every day to you was a drinking holiday. You didn't need an excuse. You don't need an excuse now. Just don't go out. And I actually went to Vegas with Playboy. four weeks into my sobriety of my not drinking alcohol.

And I was really scared. Not that I would drink, but that I wouldn't know how to have a good time because I had never been an adult having fun without booze. And I actually went to a club and I started dancing just sober, like not even a pot cookie or anything. And I was like, oh my God, it was another moment of clarity. I can have fun and I can dance like a nasty fucking beast without alcohol.

And to me, all these little steps were validation that I didn't need that. It was, I have a very unique story. I had a very high rock bottom. You know, I didn't have to go to the depths. I didn't end up on skin motherfucking row. I didn't go to rehab. I didn't have like some white light experience.

I just woke up one day sick and tired of this shit. And I really was like I'm done. It was, it was, I think it was a miracle. Because I couldn't stop before. I tried everything. Switched alcohols. Tried to not drink. You know, tried to read self-help books.

Try to do like master cleanses. and nothing worked. And then one day I just didn't have to drink anymore. I can't figure it out. So I'm just right in the wave. It's amazing how it clicks. It clicked hard. It clicked profoundly and that's what it was.

Nothing was ever profound before. I was like, fuck, I've been lying to myself. I quit in November, and I was thinking about it from November or October before. Yeah. That this had to end. I kept getting electrical shocks. Yes, me too.

I knew it had to end. Yes. I kept thinking this has to end. It was these jolts of, And then I got a call from a buddy of mine and got rest of the song. He goes, hey man, I'm back in Jersey. We start talking. I go, so you still got in there?

He goes, oh, absolutely. He goes, I go down to Newark and I get $7 bags. That's tremendous ever since 9-11. $7. $7 bags of heroin. I go, oh, I said to him, send me. So he took down my address. I hung up the phone.

I'm like, he ain't going to send me nothing. Do you know that? Not even a week later in my mailbox written. Like a kid that was three, my name, Jose Diaz, whatever. He fucking sent it to me three little sevens. That's crazy. Like nothing. Like it was nothing.

I did a couple bumps. On a Monday, I got sick. And then it was funny because I would do it and not get high during the week. That's really bizarre. So I stayed off Coke because I would do heroin one night a week. I'm so glad I never tried heroin. I'm so glad I never tried it. This is like fucking, I got to go to Harvard and go, listen, let me tell him my story.

take my brain out at the end and take a look because something happened yeah something motherfucking happened then September I started doing a little coke again but then I went to Jersey and I was whatever

all I needed was a hotel room yes that was my whole thing as soon as I did comedy as soon as I got to the hotel that was it that was my I couldn't get high here I was under too many eyes here yeah and I felt the same way

because I traveled so much with my work too the high I was doing in L.A. was conditioning high. You know how I keep you on training? Maintenance high. Yep. It was just maintenance high. Yep.

These are just maintenance highs. Like this was, when I was here, I would just do like a gram or $40 worth. When I went on the road, that's when I could go fucking nuts. And actually, you picked up victims that were pretty good. You know, you picked up other crazy people and shit. Three days ago, I got a Facebook from a girl that I loved to death. In fact, I talked to the phone. She'd Facebooked me the time.

me she lost my phone number if I could she gave me her number for me to give her a call nice I called the back and we jiggled for a few minutes she's married now you know but I got off the phone and she's one that you know you have to think about I met her when she was a young girl at a comedy club and she was a waitress but one night I was looking for a package and somebody came to me and said talk to her I go no that's she don't And they're like, what are you fucking kidding me? How boyfriend slings fucking Coke. So I had a crush on it.

I mean, she looked good. You know, she was beautiful. I wasn't going to ask her shit. You know, let us see. And one night she came to me. She goes, if you ever need something, let me know. Okay. So she gave me some shit one night that was just mind-boggling.

It was top of the fucking earth shit. And this is 1998. I'm getting a drip right now. I'm talking about bomb shit. This was shiny. no cut still had the flakes it was like all that and I took it back to my hotel room

and we fucking whacked it up I whacked it up and three in the morning I'm jerking off uncontrollably there's no porn and something I go let me call them and see if I get more this shit I call her up get it while the getting's good guess who delivers she does

so he would wait in the car and she'd come up and give it to me and that happened about four times before one that I go listen you gotta show me those ditties and she was like, no, okay. And then it went from titties to show me your monkey to let me eat your monkey while the boyfriend was in the car. Now, what did his ass think you all were doing for 15, 20, 30 minutes?

First of all, no, no, no, no, no. I come in a minute and a half in the situation. No, but if you're eating her pussy, two minutes. You're that bomb? And then I got to, no, and then I got to fuck it. Then I got to come myself. Oh, got you. If a stranger, listen to me, a stranger knocks on your door

and lets you eat that pussy. brings you Coke and then I wouldn't even at the beginning I wouldn't even ask because I'd just come when I was eating a pussy

I fucking love that this is the fantasy that every man wants I fucking love you She was just knock in the hotel room Coked out of her mind Big breath she come in

While she was giving me the coke And I'd be giving me the money I'd be taking off her pants And shit Pull them down I'd eat a little monkey I'd whack off I'd half come

And then she'd leave And that was And that happened How many times do you think 10, 20? That happened like 10 times before I got endurance. Then she started licking my balls. And it would take we'd freak in eight minutes.

Total. Eight minutes and she'd be right back downstairs dressed. That's fucking insane. Tremendous. You had it down pat. This went on for maybe every, for three years. Every time I went to do comedy. And that homie had no idea down in the car?

No. He didn't even give a fuck at that. He was just a delivery girl. That's crazy. They would stay up all night deliver and blow. See, now I totally know that everything you're saying is 100% honest. I've lived this life. Some people are like, there's no way that you were down to eight minutes exactly.

She was up there. You were bam, bam, bam, done. She was back in the car. I'm like, yeah, no. First off, first off, first off. And he's like, right now, today, I go to the weed store. Guess what? When I go to the weed store, every time I go to the weed store by my house, there's a car in front of the weed store with somebody sitting there.

Rule number one. you never parking from the drug dealer's house. Yeah. Where I came from, you never parking from the drug dealer's house, okay? Rule number two, if you deliver to a hotel room, you better stay in there for 15 minutes. So they don't know you're a code deal. Yeah.

You just don't walk into, every time she walking to my room, she'd bring up two videos, she'd bring up four books, she'd bring up a gallon of milk, she'd stop at the gas station and get me a gallon of milk. Smart. Or a protein shake or something for the morning. She was very fucking smart. Okay, so anybody fucking knows that.

Even when I used to be in Vegas, I had a guy in Vegas that I would call him. Let me tell you how good he was. I would call him and no matter what time, he'd get up to my hotel room. Through security, he knew everybody. And he'd sell you the eight ball, plus for an extra 20, he had a come down package. Two Vikings, a valley, and some fucking pain pill. Why didn't anyone ever tell me about how to fucking come down? I had to have a porn star tell me you needed Xanax.

Yeah, and Zanax. No one ever told me. A 10 milligrams Xanax or something to get the party started. I thought you just had to stay up for two days. No, or peel an orange and take the fucking skin out and put the peel in your mouth. I never heard that. Are you just pulling my legs? No, this is old Colombian type shit.

Damn, homie. You take the orange, you cut it, you rip the inside down, you put that peel over your teeth like the godfather. That white fiber? That white fiber, you're out within 15 fucking minutes. Does that work for non-narcotic? come down like can i use it as a sleep aid no that works for fucking i just did two-weight balls sucked 18 cocks and i still got sperm dripping out of my pussy i need to go to sleep to fucking forgive the pain i need to wake up on it's sunday i need to wake up on tuesday don't give it to

grandma to help her with her and saw no no no no no no no no i you know i i i get up every morning man and my feet touch the floor and people must you know people at home who listen to this shit think I'm crazy, but I swear to God, I give thanks. I give thanks for my wife, my daughter. But I give thanks for the most important thing that I stopped putting that shit up my fucking nose. Straight up. I really do.

And guess what, guys? I know you guys are going to enjoy. Fuck you. You're a hypocrite. I had a lot of great fucking times. Absolutely. I had a lot of great times. I told the story on Joe Rogan about a girl on Facebook.

She had a black baby. Yeah. People torture her from my neighborhood. So when we were kids, first off, I never slept with it. She didn't even like me growing up. She dated this dude, so she didn't really talk to kids her age. And she didn't really like our circle. She thought we were jocks or whatever.

But the word was her pussy didn't get moist. That sounds horrible. Everybody called the Fairview, New Jersey, because everybody knows Fairview is a dry hump. And then, listen to this. And then. That's horrible. The rumor got out that she had like VD. Oh, my God.

Well, yeah, it's all dry. You're going to rip it up and fuck it up. Let's say her name was, what's your first name again? Andrea. Amelia, Andrea. Okay, that cookie is strong because Joey's known me for over a decade. Let's say Andrea. They started calling that song from A.C.

She's got the Jack. So they started calling the Andrea Jack. Right to her fate. Andrea Jack. Fuck you. I have no diseases. This went on for about a year. That's horrible.

Then she disappeared. Everybody disappeared and I saw her out one night. But the tell end of the story is we're coked up at 6 in the morning. We just robbed her. Wait, what? You just robbed her ass. I thought that. Didn't see that coming.

We didn't rob her. We just robbed the guy. She was playing nanny today. She was sucking his dick through. And we're in a hotel room, a dirty hotel room in Jersey on the, on Tully Avenue. We bust into the hotel room. We're sitting there. We got booze. She takes a look at me and she goes, before we do anything, I just want you to know.

We're not going to have any sex. I go fine. About 20 minutes in, she goes, you know what? I've been thinking about it. Maybe we will do a little of something, but she goes, you have to guess the color of my underwear. And I'm sitting there. I'm like, oh my God, I'm horny. I'm cooked up. I want to eat her asshole. I got to go for broken. I go. red and she goes green but close enough that's how crazy she was holy shit she's like I would never have that type maybe 18 20 Christmases ago

I'm lonely I don't have a girlfriend this is half a fucking chick that lives in my building she lives in Ralphie she lives in Ralphie Mae's building she lives in Ralphie Mae's building Okay. Yeah. And, you know, she's got the fake tits.

Why is that funny? Why is that funny? I just, when he said half a chick, I started thinking about, uh, what, what is it, uh, Kardashian? What's his name? Kanye West? No. Scott? No, the father.

Rob? Mother. Listen, leave, forget about those fucking ones. The one who just switched, whatever. Yeah, Bruce. Oh, Bruce. Yeah, Caitlin. What?

Camon's full woman. When you said half a woman, I said, that's what I thought of. That you thought of a transgender? No, he's talking like a No, you said that was half. Thin ass, frail, half of a fucking ding-dong woman. This chick was a, she was pretty, she had a daughter that looked like,

listen to this, she had a fat little daughter and she had a mustache as the daughter. But she looked like Pavarotti, the opposite. Poverati? I haven't heard of Poverati reference in 20 years. She looked like Poverrati. No Poverati is?

No Poverati is me? No. the picture up in Poverrata. Google up some Poverrani. She looked just like Poverrari. So we used to call a Poverale. But she never knew, right? Oh, my God.

It should auto fill. You probably don't have to spell it correctly. This is fucking crazy. This girl was... Kind of pretty right for a dude, yeah? Okay, so now I'm about 36. Yeah? I'm single.

I'm fucking broke. She looks just like Poverrata. Just like the far away. Go to the images, yeah. Oh my God. It's just that like that she has. I can't even look at these things unless she looks so much like Poverarad. Which one to the show?

All right, like the white one. You see where the one that says Poverratiana? Yeah. That one like that right there. The big center one. Oh, she looks just like Poverratia right there. Oh my God. Just dig a dig in that.

But anyway, forget about Poverratiana. That was the nickname we gave her. That's cute. But the mom was really cute. I mean, uh, unless you're fucking retarded, you could tell that the mom,

uh, one on the other side of the fence and time at the time. Yeah. You know, when we first met, you could tell that, uh,

she had been around the corner. She had, she, it wasn't her first rodeo. She went behind the cabin, you know what I'm like it. It was just, you could tell.

She just had to look to her and, One night she got drunk with a bunch of people And nothing happened But I could just tell by her body room But I never disrespected She had a daughter in the building, whatever And it's about Christmas time It's about the holidays

Yes, it was around the holidays And I was out all night I was by Josh Wolfe's house around there Cool And that building there We used to have like a cocaine network Up on the third floor there And I did coke on night there

And I go back to my buddies to watch football and I'm coming down off the Coke and I got a little bit in my pocket which means I'm still ready to go Oh yeah And who do I bump into as I'm walking in At 10 in the morning Not paparotti

No Jesus Christ Oh I was like holy shit Oh to bump into poverty I would have shot myself I bumped into the mother And guess what? What? She was out from that before

And she was looking for a little taste So I gave her a little taste In the hallway I gave her whatever I had I did a couple bumps with her and she goes can you get more and I go sure but I got to go it's 10 in the morning I go you have a car boom we take a ride boom we come back we get a 60 we do a couple more bumps and she's saying that her apartment says giving her the creeps oh really she goes do you mind if we go for a walk so before we go for a while you don't let me see you got to give her a stabbing right here on the stairway

you know us dog we're sad I know man listen the building's quiet let me give you a stabbing right here and go the stairway right what the fuck you sit on you pick up your leg I eat your ass and I dig it right in right there Is there anyone who's ass You don't eat first

Well whatever pussy ass The same whole vicinity You gotta sell the ass Because that gets him a little butts Totally He's gonna eat my ass This guy's not fucking around Exactly

He's gonna hook it up And then you show him the Coke rock And you tell them I put this in your asshole To really get the party started You dirty dough I'm gonna get a fuck At 10 in the morning

we got to go deep into the hemisphere. And you also got to have... Yes, because that's the end of your night, pretty much. That's the end of the end. So you got to end with a big bang. Oh, my God. I get you. I don't know what happens.

What we do. Next thing you know, this is crazy. I'm telling you this shit. You know, we kind of fuck around a little bit. But when I pull it out of her mouth, I come on her Christmas jeans. Oh, Jesus. The one she was going to wear for Christmas morning or that she had received for Christmas? The one she got off on the night before.

And I mean, it was one of those cocaine comes, 20 hours of blow. It's thick. Oh, I can see it now. It's like fucking snot. And it's curtly. So she goes. She goes in the fucking house. Aren't you glad you don't know?

And that's the end of that. Yes. Two, three nights later, I'm an Al-Compadre waiting the cop. Can you just do your little tiny outbursts of exasperations into the mic more? Oh, please. They're fucking great. This is all fucking nice. People have taped them.

two, three nights later, it is Christmas Eve. I'll never forget this. I was at the comedy store. That's how lonely I was. I'm at the comedy store. I go to the Elkampadre, the cop. They're about the clothes at Elkampadur, and I'm up there trying to get blow from one of the waiters.

And I'm sitting outside waiting for him to come out, and who comes walking towards me? But the girl with the jeans with the cum, she didn't have them on them, and her boyfriend. They come walking towards me. You nasty fucker. I love you. And this dirty.

It says, doesn't even look at me, and the boyfriend stays. No, you can't make eye contact. It assumes guilt. And he goes, I don't know what happened between you two guys. Yeah? But whatever happened has to get cleared up. She's not very happy with you right now. Oh, police.

Like it's your fucking fault. But no, no, he didn't know I came out of pants. He just said. About the drugs? He said to me, no, I don't know what happened between you two guys the other day, but she's not very happy with you. I go, what did he say? What did she?

And I may believe like I didn't even know. I go, what did she say? And he goes, I don't know, you guys are partying, you guys have an argument or something. And I felt like saying, no, I came on a fucking leg, you know, this is the type of shit that couldn't have happened. But I also wouldn't have kidnapped Kent Vela. Right.

I also wouldn't have gone to prison. I also wouldn't have done a lot of fucking things. Well, I knew I wasn't going to end up in prison to do something. I can't lie about that. When you're meant to be something, you're meant to be something. And that's it. But it's amazing. the journey it did take me on, you know?

I'm with you, man. I can write, like right now, I'm writing about, I'm trying to write this, the first three chapters to sell a book, and I'm on 1984. Oh, you're going chronologically, like as you write it?

To sell this, I've got to go from 79 to about June of 85 before I bust out with this. So I had to even jump over like 81. Eighty-one was dying. So I said, let me go over to 84, Because 84 was a heart hit me.

And, I mean, I'm up to like June of 84. And there's times I got to stop because this was when this pattern started. This pattern started in 84. So that's when you think you crossed that invisible line was 84? It became something else. Yeah. It went from being Friday and Saturday.

Into now habitual ritualistic. It went from Friday and Saturday. gram a gram I would do a gram bump and I'm not that I'm talking about it's me and it's you all the time it's you and me was why we're seeing each other as they said in the 80s yeah I would pick you up you knew you were gonna spend the night and we're gonna get a hotel room so we both did a gram we did a gram from eight o'clock to three at the bar a half a gram then the other half back at the hotel room where we were getting naked and all that dirty shit and it was fun. On top of that, if it wasn't just you and me for sex, at least we go back

and you talk to me and your brother would come out, he'd talk and whatever. It was something, it was fun. We drank, we listened to music. Then after that, even in Colorado in 83, I was 19, it was still a Friday night thing. And there was no paranoia. Once it was done, the worst thing you did was jerk off on your leg and you went to bed. That's it. You woke up in the morning. You felt shitty about jerking off. Maybe you should have a girlfriend at a date.

But that's as far as it went. It wasn't your rent money. It wasn't gambling money. When I went back to New York in 84, it was there. It had taken over everything. And like I said, a thousand times, people like you would come up to me and go, Joey, just thought a coincidence. Can you move some of this? And I'm like, I don't, yeah, Lee likes it.

My friend's like it. at the comedy store, you go, hold on one second. You'd make a call, and next thing you know, your boyfriend would be it 20 minutes later. It's like, listen, guys, it's usually 19,000 for a kilo, I'll give it to you for 17.5. And we're like, we don't have no money. Don't worry about it. We'll pick it up in 10 days. Because nobody wanted it at their house no more.

That's crazy. That's fucking scary, man. People were coming to you and going, hey, Andrew, do me a favor. I got 50 pounds of Coke, and you move. And you know, like, I know Ron Jeremy. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I know Ron, but I don't know.

You know, I'm not saying nothing bad about Ron. No, I feel. In the 80s, it was porn, you know, like you could say I'm, that's what I would say. I've done Coke with that. I'm like, who fucking cares? Like, that's what I would think to myself. I go, well, 1985, 84. I know Ron Jeremy, maybe he could bring it into the valley and give it to some of the

fucking girls to find Coke. That's it. Take it to the mansion. Like, who knows? But if you listen and read these stories that people were saying now from the mid-80s, they were buying half kilos. They just was reading something about Hollywood. That's fucking nuts.

And Don Henley. Yeah. Don Henley from the Eagles. That book with the Hooker, I'd just seen an excerpt. I just mentioned that book. When I first moved to town, the hot book in town is you'll never work in this town anymore. And it was written by an ex-hooker who told all her stories. But one of them was Don Henley.

That's nuts. That Don Henley would get five girls, four to roll, and bend them over. And just switch. And just eat their pussies and then do coke. and then eat their pussies and do coat, but they had to be bent over all night. He wouldn't even look at their faces. How fucking crazy is that freaking mother?

That sounds like Tuesday to us, right? No, that's, that's ego. No, it is. Five women, don't even talk to me ladies. Bend over. But what kind of woman, like I would be the person eating the pussy, but what kind of girl would let a guy bend her over and line them up like that?

I'd be like, you don't want to look at my face? Fuck you, I'm out. I'm so much more than just a snatch. It's like you pick someone with a crazy ego and you pick someone with no self-respect. You put them together. It's a perfect match. Yeah, no, that's what it was. He was a crazy ego.

I mean, it was a fucking guy from the Eagles. I mean, I can't fucking blame him. No, I mean, I can only imagine what it would be like to be that famous and have people just throwing themselves at you all the time. I mean. She had Jack Nicholson in there. She had a bunch of people in there. But the story she was talking about that day when she had gone to the Eagles house, she was there for three days. And she knows for a fact that, like, four.

ounces were delivered that's really I couldn't do an ounce in a week by myself I mean I do it don't get me wrong it's going down I just need to bump into the right victim right hotel and the right fucking circumstances and you're in Lake Flint yeah I mean that's a lot so you want a hoard code no you can't hoard coke that's the thing you want you think you're going to but you you you can't there's no self-control what you mean hoarding it at one point so like you've spoken about like you didn't like sharing, right? You just said if you had an ounce, you'd have to share.

And you've spoken before, but like snoring against the clock. Like, why, like, why not just save it for later that night? Like, why do you have, why do you feel like it has to get gone? It's an inner fucking obsession. It's, if it's there, it's gone. There's no saving nothing for the mouse. No. In my world, there's nothing saved for the mouse.

In 27 years, I guess, He counted on one hand. Oh, my. How many nights I passed out and left a gram or a line of Coke or two lines of Coke. I didn't stop until it was over. And how long did you do coke? 27 years. And how many nights a week do you think?

Four to five, he was saying? And then after the Coke was gone, then you start walking around everywhere you were in the house, looking for little spots of white powder on the floor. Yes, yes. Oh, my gosh. And then you clean out the straw, and the straw has a rock in there. That's fucking he was. That saves you for a half hour.

And then there was a little bit... You have no idea. Yeah, it's a half hour in between. It's 20 minutes in between bumps. And if you're an animal like me, it's every 10 minutes. Yeah. And it's so funny too, because you look at the clock and you're like, I'm going to stop at 1230. I'm going to stop at 1240.

I'm going to stop at 1. I'm going to stop at like you can't fucking keep your shit straight. Willpower is not a thing. So that's why for me, like I'd always get a little bit. So I knew when it was done, that was it. I couldn't get more. because once you start you really can't stop and this is even coming from me

who was never, I do not think I was a cocaine addict at all I just partied a lot but situationally you just can't stop you can't hold on to it no for me it was once I got it it was gone yeah there was no saving it for Tuesday no nothing guys

fucking crazy I'm so happy nine years isn't that a blessing nine years I've not done a line of Coke man I don't miss it No Your life is so much better without it Fuck that shit It was like in my mind

Like I compared to my drinking It was like I was almost a slave to it My life was revolved around that shit Where am I gonna get it? Who am I gonna drink it with? I wasn't able to drive or go certain places Because I was too fucked up I couldn't go to events

It was just ruling my life That's why I said to you at the beginning of the podcast Yeah That that part of my life is I could not see, even today. No. Even today, if I said to you guys, you know what, fuck it, I'm getting divorced. My wife's taking the baby to Tennessee.

I'm going to take the house, whatever. I couldn't see myself. Going back. I could not see myself doing blow. No. With a comedy girl at like 28, and here I am, 54, 55, you know, in a house because I think I'd get a heart attack. Yeah.

I'm so scared at this point that for me to even close that line. No, not at all. Not by any means at all. And you know, too, that if you started, you couldn't stop again. You'd have to go another 27 years unless you died first. It's like you know how low it will take you, so why even take that risk? You fucking had all the fun. You've done it.

You're done. Well, we were telling boss root near day. A lot of people know understanding. You understand the addiction continues to grow just because you stop drinking. Yeah. The inside little addiction that you had of drinking still grows. Yeah. As soon as you decide in your mind, you know what, I got this.

I'm having a motherfucking beer. That's it. You're often popping. You're often popping. But your tolerance is gone, but your brain tells you you can drink like you used to. Yes, you can. That's when you end up in the ER. That's when you overdose.

You get alcohol poisoning or the other substance. Well, I really happens a lot with heroin. Yes, that's exactly what happens. Happens with heroin a lot. I'm happy you came on. It was great to see you. I love you so much. When I made that fucking turn, I go, look at her.

This gym is fucking working. Look at Lee. he's all hypnotized. What are you supposed to say? When you walk out of here, Lee's going to say a ton of shit to me, Jesus Christ. She'll be beautiful. Let me read some fucking things for Lee. As always, Audit, the fucking leader in our life.

Listen, man, it's the holidays. Everybody's looking at the change. Everybody's looking to make their lives better. You know, Anna has some great supplements for you that will fucking rock your world. From the hemp force protein to the alpha brain just to get your mind going. Oh, I heard that was. You know, go to honor.com right now and press in. Church.

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press in church and get 10% off your first order enough with that bullshit also you're going to be traveling this season okay i don't really read a lot of magazine but lee likes to take magazines to them on the road. If I read anything, I'll look at Rolling Stone just a front to see who's going to whose parties and who's bullshit in each other. But listen, I know you like magazines like fitness, fortune, Forbes, golf magazine, golf digest, you know, country gardens, sports illustrated, sports illustrated kids. If you like any of these magazines right now, town and country, I got something that's going to rock your world, all right? Now, we're all binge eating and we're all binge watching and we're all, thanks to Netflix, we're all watching, you know, but now with texture,

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The water's nice and cold. It kind of weighs you up in the morning. You know what I'm saying? After that coffee, you're going to let me take a little fucking dump of Rui. Then you put that little cold water on. Sounds exciting. And it hits you a little muffling. But then you jump in the shower and you hit your ass over the hot water.

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Uncle Joey just brought it to you right now. Hellotushy.com slash church. Get 10% off. I want to thank texture. I want to thank honor.com for being solid motherfuckers. If you haven't watched the special, seesaw.com slash Joey. Put your name in, email, code. Put your credit card in. Put in Joey. And you get to watch the fucking special. for free. Don't say I never gave you nothing. And when you get bored, they got all the Saturday night live fucking episodes. They got parks and recreation. They got original programming. So go do your thing. All right. I'll see you cock suckers next week. Anywhere these people could find you or listen to you. Yeah, on Twitter and Instagram at the Andrea Lowell. If you're

interested in anything fitness related, Facebook and Instagram at Andrea Lowell Fitness. Pretty straightforward. Lee, what do you got going on this weekend? This weekend. And not much this weekend, but I had a good day. I had breakfast with my brother today for the first time we haven't been speaking for years. Oh, really? Yeah, that was nice. So that's good. You didn't break any zip lines, talk to your brother.

Sounds like a pretty fucking successful day so far. Yeah, it was a pretty good day. I love how we hardly know each other. I'm already like teasing you. I like it. He likes it. I like it, too. Who wouldn't like it?

Well, that's cool. I'm happy for you guys. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, and that's it. I love. I'm like waiting for the punch and then what happened? I live a boring life. What did you have for breakfast?

Stay in the dirtiest way you can. Scrambled eggs. Were they runny or were they dry? Dry like palm running. Get to fuck out of here. That's shit. Have a great week you dirty motherfuckers. I love you.

Thank you. Bye. Happy holidays. Oh my God, I got to pee. I have to pee so fucking bad. right in there right i don't know where it