The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #442 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 26, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio on Christmas Night/The Second Night of Hanukkah 2016. Thank you for a great year! This podcast is brought to you by:  Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/church to get your first three meals free and free shipping! mybookie.net -Make all of your sports bets at mybookie.net. Mybookie.net will match your first deposit when you use promo code JOEY   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free. Watch Joey's Special, "Sociably Unacceptable" Now!   Recorded live on 12/25/2016.  

The Church of What's Happening Now is presented by On It. This show, the Church of What's Happening now, is proud to introduce you to mybooky.net. There's a ton of bowl games this week. There's football still going on, and you're going to want to make a bet. And the best place to do it is at mybooky.net. And right now when you join, mybooky.comnet will match your first deposit with 100% bonus. That's right. If you join with 100, you get a $200 bankwell to play with. visit MyBooky today or call 844-900 bets and use promo code Joey. That's the most important part.

promo code Joey. Go to mybooky.net today. The show is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash church. That's right. With Blue Apron, they send all of the fresh ingredients you need to make incredible meals straight to your door.

go to blue apron.com slash church right now to get your first three meals for free. Oh shit. Kick that mule, motherfucker. Kick it. Kick that motherfucker. I want heaven to hear that motherfucker right now. The church of what's happening now, bitches. Christmas night or the morning after the 26th.

The phone. Just look and see what those three meals are. Okay, okay, okay. Christmas motherfuckers. Smile, bitches. Merry Christmas to everybody out there. Thank you very much to tune into the church of what's happening now. It's Uncle Joey Diaz with my main little fucking Jewish gumba, Lee Syatt, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you. What's happening, brother? Oh, my gosh. I had a first lunch. I just want to say thank you. I had a great time in Vegas. And it was, you were very nice and you gave me some, like a gift card, not a gift card, but you just told me to go get a nice meal. And I went, had a great steak.

So it just, I've been thinking about it. It made my whole night. That night was my best night of gambling I've ever had. And you won that night. That was the only night you won when you ate the steak. The next morning you woke up with your kiss a dead self and you lost my fucking steak money, cock sucker. Oh, I don't know. It's a, it was just so, it was like the perfect night.

I got a steak. I got a nice drink. I could tell the other night that you're processing a lot, the last couple of weeks. I could tell when you do the edibles, you drift away and you've been a little distant lately. so I can tell you needed two days, but I could also tell you you needed a good meal, you know, to sit down and sometimes a good, warm meal by yourself. Even though sometimes they say it's really unhealthy to eat by yourself.

You know, when I go away on the weekend sometimes, I can't wait because I eat by myself on Saturday and Friday morning, and it just gives me, you know, it's like a little breather. You're always surrounded by people, you know, you always have people around. your family members, your child, your sister, your brother, your cousin. And it's really nice to take care of yourself. And, you know, Lee didn't do anything mind-boggling.

He went the cheapest week, you'd go to Vegas. You want a cheap vacation? Go to Vegas Christmas week. Oh, it was the best thing I've ever done. That's the cheapest thing you could ever do in your life. They give the rooms away. They give the fucking rooms away. If you ask them to it, like if you go, you're not going to count me,

I'm going to gamble, they'll give you the, for 25 bucks, you'd get a room on the strip. Yeah, I got it from them. 45 in Mandalay Bay, which is a nice hotel. It's not like it's a karate hotel or anything. I got a nice room. They were going to give me a suite for 15 bucks. 15 more bucks a night.

15 more bucks a night? Yeah. To give you a sweet. 60 bucks. But I was by myself. So I just didn't want to walk around like fucking, you know. Not everybody was, I've never, I never really do that. And it's, now, were they doing more specials for meals too?

And little things. Like, I know you go out there and shoot a fucking submachine gun. Were they giving your deals on that? Were they things like that? Because it's empty. It's empty, correct? It was empty this week. They said next week was going to be a little bit busier.

Like tomorrow morning, Vegas packs up automatically. Tomorrow morning, the planes to Miami pack up. That's it. Those are New Year's destinations, you know? I'm so glad that I'm not, like this was the week for all the people who are like me who don't want to go to a club. Like as I was leaving, as I was driving out of Vegas, I saw a billboard that said,

It said like all, it said open bar, New Year's Eve, $25. I was just like that. That sounds like a nightmare. That's a headache. That's a fucking headache. That's a hangover and a half or you could drink on New Year's and you're young. For 25. Oh, yeah.

You figure you get fucking six drinks. You're even and you want to polish those first drinks drinks. Six drinks. You're probably even after one, two drinks in Vegas. It's over 10 bucks a drink. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

It was Like it was expensive I think the drink I had at strip steak Was close to 20 bucks You had a drink of strip What'd you have? Makers and Coke What I always get?

Look at you like a doctor So you got a little drinking pool You got a little steak What else did you get? Oh And they give you French fries For appetizes And I forgot

I know Lee loves French fries I fucking hate skinny French fries I fucking hate them In L.A Every French fry has HIV Every French fry is skinnier than fuck I'm from the East Coast Where you get steak fries

all the time. And this place has, but skirt steak as an appetizer to give you French fries that are fried in duck fat. And they give you three different sauces next to it, which I knew would blow Lee's fucking mind. Every time there's a UFC, Joe always takes

us to strip steak afterward. We meet at strip steak and we just sit there the rest of the fucking night. That's why I knew about strip steak, not because I'm a genius because Joe take me in it. It's fucking delicious, that place. And those fries made my night, because I I don't

Whenever I go out to eat high I tend to giggle a little bit So I don't I was like I don't want to go I don't want to blow my cover But I had to have something So I think I had like 600 milligrams And they brought over this French fries Without even telling me

And it It was like heaven It was There was one that had like You feel like you hit the lottery You can't believe they're bringing French fries Most people bring like fucking noodles Or the Chinese restaurant

Or bread or something They open up a fucking french fries And they open up with, like, it's not like it's, sometimes when they give you something for free, it's like three little bites. This was a huge order of french fry. I put a picture of it on my Instagram. It was a huge order of French fries that was there for my entire meal. It was, it was, the bartenders were great. And it's, because I normally don't like eating by myself.

And I think this night changed my opinion because I've been, I've lived alone for a while. And even now, if I want to go eat, I'll get takeout and go home and watch TV. Just because I don't know, I feel weird being alone at a restaurant. But I had a great time. I was talking to the bartenders. I was what... Did you say that at the bar? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to get a table, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see that, when I go on the road, I go to those places and there's a line out the ass, but the bar is empty. I just walk right in and sit at the fucking bar. I start talking to the bartender. There's three bartenders. One of them listens to something. Some podcast we're on at one point in our fucking lives. We start talking about podcasting or what am I doing in town or comedy.

And it's kind of interesting, you know. I hate going to restaurants to towns and eating at a restaurant that I could eat out anywhere. Oh, yeah. I want to get a flavor of the town, you know, to see what reflects on the town. Like when I went to Portland with Felicia, we went to that prime rib and chocolate cake and went to another place. These were all places from that city that they had to offer. When I go to Texas and you want to eat Chinese, I'm like, no, go to Chewis. I can only get Chewis in Austin or you can only get this here, you know.

I work myself up, so I'm happy that you ended up. You wanted to go to sushi. I'm like, you get sushi here. Strip steak you get here, but you got to go all the way into the heart of Beverly Hills with fucking traffic and park. It's a goddamn nightmare. If you're at the mandalay bay, correct? Yeah, it couldn't be more easy. It's right downstairs.

But then I like, and then I like, I like, I like gambling. but I'm not good at, like, I won't, I won't spend money on myself in other areas. Like, I used to go to Vegas a couple years ago and try to do this for a couple days, but I'd stay at, like, the cheapest hotel in the strip. I'd eat at Chipotle and then go back. And that's, like, that's not what Vegas is about. And the Vegas is, like, it has, Vegas gets a bad rap, but I love it. I think it's great.

It has the best restaurants in the world. There are some negative aspects to it, but, the amount of good food that you're surrounded by is amazing. And then I found this great deal online. They gave me $100 to use at the casino at the resort. So I got, I had food, I had a bunch of meals for free. Especially these weeks, they're looking to give you anything just to show up. It's pretty interesting.

It's really nice. You know, listen, when I go on the road, I don't give a fuck where I stay. I really don't. you know I was I slept on so many couches and shit a motel six works for me it really does you know as long as they have a hot shower and the cable works I'm pretty fucking good you know I like security I don't want fucking crack holes knocking on my door at 4 in the fucking morning but you know what I mean you know but sometimes the club puts you somewhere nice

and for two days you walk around you're like you know what I'm a fucking human being you know for for two days I'm gonna act I remember going to the Riviera and working the Riviera had to be 20 years ago and you know I was living on such a shoestring at that time as a feature act that everything is a break you know you get no money when you're a feature act so everything they everything every thing every break you could catch is like a fucking act of God it's like a miracle and they used to give us a card I was telling me they used to give us a card to eat in the employee cafeteria which is the shit that gets sent back from the buffet.

Like all the leftovers from the... All the leftovers from buffets. They got bite marks in them and shit. You know, it's a nightmare. You know, that's where you got to eat. But when you're fucking broke and you're on the road, that's who you got to eat. So when I would go on the road with Joe,

it was two different fucking worlds. Like, I tell people all the time, Joe bought me more stakes than my mother. When you go on the road with Joe for the UFC or something, you stay at the best hotel. And, you know, he doesn't give a fuck about steaks or whatever the fuck. You get whatever you want.

Well, on the menu, you're like a doctor. That's why when I started hanging out with Joe, I started learning that you have to take care of yourself when the situation arises, you know, from time to time. And it helps. It gives you another three months to, you know, it just charges your batteries, man. Let me ask you this.

Let's say you're in Vegas, right? And you could stay at, I don't know, a Motel 6, which would be fine, or you could stay at the Mirage where the show is, let's just say. Would this show be better if you were at the Mirage? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. No, listen, you want the least amount of movement. People think when I come to a town that they're like, they send me these suggestions for food, and they send me suggestions to do, and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. But I'm at an age right now and a point in my life and my career, that when I go on the road, it's to relax. So I want the least movement as possible. I'm not going to go out to dinner before a show. and burn myself out talking when I could just relax before the show.

You know? And you live at the hotel. There's so many little fucking things that you need to do to take care of you. You know, I don't know what guest was on, maybe about a year ago. And we discussed, what does it take to be you? It was very interesting. What does it take to be you? There was a time where it took a shower and a box of cereal and fucking a can of soda to be me, you know.

And now comes a time where, You have to actually get up, drink coffee, write a little bit, smoke a little bit, write a little bit, you know, eat breakfast, drink a protein shake, take my blood pressure medication. I got to rub cream on my fucking rashes. I got to rub bacon soda on my fungi nail. What does it take to be you? You know, like, what does it take? You know, you realize that in those moments when you're taking care of yourself, when you're taking better care of yourself, you know, when you have an option to drink between a soda and there's a big glass. of water. There's those little things. You know, 10 years ago, I would have just gone for the soda

at whatever time it was and drank the whole bottle of fucking soda. You know, now you're going to go to sleep. You have to drink some fucking water, even though you're going to get up and pee in the middle night. There's just such a big difference when you take care of you. You know, and for years, I never did. Was it even a, was it a conscious decision? Because for me, it was more just like I got into a rhythm and then I got so busy that you just don't think to change your rhythm. Like, when you get so busy focusing on other things, like you just don't, all right, this is working, I guess. So I'll leave that alone, but then it's really not working.

I got into a bad rhythm when I moved to Los Angeles. Uh-huh, yeah. In 99. When I moved to Los Angeles and 99 is when my health went kaput. But there's two reasons to that. And let's be frank and honest about him. The number one reason was my dedication to comedy. that I put everything I had into comedy

my first seven years here but I could have put more into comedy if I were taking care of myself I neglected myself so for all those years I didn't care what I ate late at night the mirror I looked at showed me in high school it didn't show me as I was

becoming 350 fucking pounds you don't see that you take a really good good look which we don't really do a lot of us don't see ourselves or don't really want to look I didn't really want to look. I just thought my clothes were getting tired of

because they were shrinking. My wife was shrinking the fucking clothes. Instead of going, no, I'm putting on weight after weight, after weight, after weight, after weight, after weight. And then the soon a sleep apnea developed. You know, all these things contributed to the sleep apnea, and then that took it to that final level of my health getting really shitty. What was my health getting really shitty? I had no energy.

My diet was fucking atrocious. There was no fruit. There was no lettuce. There was 10 cans of soda a day. It was just plain abuse because, but the abuse I was doing with the drugs, who cares about everything else? I'm already doing drugs.

There's no reason to be a hypocrite and go to the gym and try to lie to myself. I was one of those guys. Really? Yeah, I'm already in deep. What's fucking the gym going to do for me? I'm doing an eight ball of fucking Coke in two nights and drinking this and eating this

and smoking this and smoking two packs of cigarettes. What's the fucking gym gonna do for me? Nothing. That's how I looked at it from a stupid perspective. And today I pay for that. When I go to Jiu-Jitsu and I gotta not eat a donut with you or whatever, I pay for that, you know? I pay for that time because we pay for everything in our lives.

The conscious decision was when I stopped doing Coke. Then I said, what did I do with myself? What did I do with my body? What did I do in my image? Look at my clothes. My clothes were a day above fucking, you know, I couldn't even fit the rig. I was so fat that I was destroying my clothes. So I was just living in warm-ups.

I was doing that with gym shorts. You live in fucking warm-ups, you know. That's the only way you're comfortable. You're not comfortable in pants anymore once you get to a certain weight. You're not comfortable at all in pants. And you don't want to buy new pants because you're like, oh, I'm not getting bigger. I'm going to lose the weight. So.

But the conscious decision was. probably after I stopped getting high. 208, I finally went to Weight Watchers, and I started looking at different things, and I started going online. I always knew about proteins and diets and lifting. I never incorporated rest into that equation, and that's a big part of the equation.

You could eat great and work out and gain weight because you're not sleeping correctly. There's so many fucking aspects to our diet, guys like you and me, there's so many aspects to our diet. The number one is sleep, And number two, as soon as we get up, we got to eat something to kick off the thing and for the rest of our day to be good. Because guys like you and I will have a donut for breakfast and not think about it, but that ruins your breakfast.

Or not eat breakfast and then you eat at 12 and now you got to eat that fourth meal, you know, or that fifth meal because you didn't eat breakfast. There's so many different things that I force myself to do. I'm not hungry when I wake up. I'm not hungry at all. I look at my daughter, and I look at my wife arguing with Mercy, and I know Mercy's not hungry. She's my daughter. She's not hungry in the morning. If you left it up to me, I could get up at 6 and not eat until 10, and that's not good for you.

Right, yeah, that's what I was. You got to eat like 30 minutes an hour after you get up, you know, but I always drink a glass of cold water to get my metabolism going, which, again, I didn't know until a couple years ago that you do. How do you handle the sleep thing? Because that's always been an issue for me. Force yourself. Do you sleep? How often do you take naps? Today I took two fucking naps because I'm a fat old man.

Well, that's not every day, though. No. No. I never took a fucking nap until 1995. Okay? I stopped napping when I was about four. Gave him a hard time at school all those years. Gave my mother a hard time.

I never napped until I started dating this girl in Seattle in She would take naps every afternoon and that forced me to nap and that is a big life saver a power nap from here You know an hour and a half nap a 45 minute nap a two hour nap those are all power savers but Even as of lately as of six months ago. I was putting on a little bit of weight and it was because I was getting home at 11 from the store or from comedy or something like that, I would write for an hour and then to detox from the writing,

I would stay up until two watching TV. Like all the shit you tell me to watch or people tell me to tape, I'd tape and watch it until two, three, and then I'd be lurking at seven with mercy. By 10, I can't keep my eyes open. Oh, yeah, that's what I'm... And it ruins my fucking day.

I was ruining my own days. That's the issue I've been having recently. And I've always had this issue and I like to stay up late. And then it just, when you wake up at 7, 8 o'clock. The last seven weeks I've been turning the TV off at 12. 11.30. 11.30, I go in the room.

Where's your phone? Outside. Really? That's the move, I think, because that's the issue. My TV's not even on most of the time. It's the phone. The phone's in the other room in my office. I don't even see the phone when I'm at home.

Unless if I go into that room, I charge it in there. There's a house phone in my bedroom in case something has. happens in the middle of the night and we're stuck in the bedroom but my cell phone is far away from me there's nights I leave it in the fucking car overnight you leave it in the car what do I give a fuck the people that are gonna call me aren't gonna call me at night anybody who calls me at 3 in the mornings for something fucking stupid anyway it's not gonna be because nobody calls me at 3 no more that's worth the shit Ari calls me at 2 sometimes I'll see the calls me at 2 sometimes I'll see the late night or early morning or something but nobody calls me in the middle of

fucking night so nobody really calls after seven for me to write I can't have the phone by me not even near you no so once I write the phone goes into another fucking room charged up that's why I leave the phone out so when I walk in the house in the morning I'd look at the phone and then I plug it in and I leave it in the kitchen and I go on the office and write when I take mercy of school I don't take the phone my wife's got a fucking phone then when I get home at 93010 the phone's there I go to Jiu-jitsu I put the phone the fucking God that phone ain't gonna get picked up I think that's a move I think that's I

don't have the phone near me at all I don't want to look at social media there's nothing for me to look at social media for do you get distracted in hotel rooms or do you no keep it away from you in hotel rooms too yeah keep it away from me in the hotel rooms too I put it in a pocket I'll put it in my luggage and close the luggage That's

Yeah that's what you have to do now Because otherwise If not you can't write You're a zombie I can't write I can't write You have to turn off You know

For me to be effective In that area And for me Once I get to the part Where I have to start making The calls in the morning Then I go in the other room And pull the phone

And make my business calls But if I'm writing comedy The phone's nowhere near me I don't want the electricity even in my circuitry. I don't want to hear the phone buzzing. I know my schedule already. It's not like I'm going to get a late audition. And I look at it every hour or so, you know?

Well, yeah. The phone is a fucking big distraction. Huge. Ari Shafir was absolutely correct. And I listened to what Ari said. You know, I have an iPhone. Do I use everything on that fucking iPhone? Not even a tent.

what's on there. I don't even have Facebook on my fucking iPhone. I have none of that shit on my iPhone. I got my hot mail and I got my fucking phone on there. That's it. And I got pictures in the camera, which I take of the cats and my daughter. I don't take pictures of nobody. I don't do none of that

shit. It's in menus like Chinese good food or spare ribs or something. I'll take a picture. I don't take pictures. I don't use that fucking phone to its full capacity. So I'm thinking when I go in there too, I might just as well just get a regular one whatever the fuck i don't listen to podcasts on this sometimes i listen to music on this sometimes but

yeah i don't listen to music on my fucking cell phone you know your people played downtown last night right yeah i saw that yeah they played in hot in hall see but i don't really like that one and i love them they put in hollywood it's dear the club scene in hollywood is weird i just i've never i've never really enjoyed it so going to see them there i don't i don't really i i saw them where Gabriel's going to be the night before New Year's. The Microsoft, I like that place. But, yeah, that's pretty cool. So tonight,

tonight I was getting ready to leave the house. My wife had cooked. I'd taken a nap. The baby was, we're building something for her, and my phone rang. And I had it in my pocket, like I said, I was getting ready to leave. It was six o'clock, California time. and I got a weird fucking call. I got a call that rattled me so much. I went out in my car and I cried for 10 minutes

because I tell you guys and I tell my wife, I think I tell my wife three times a day how lucky we are, you know, and the luck that people have that you don't really know it. Because sometimes even when something bad happens, it's kind of lucky because something good happens from it. And it's hard to tell you that now, but throughout my life and other people's lives, I've seen little pieces of mishaps that they've had, and they're kind of good.

When I was growing up, right a couple months before my mom died, I became friends with this kid named Renee. His street name was called Didi. And Didi was a big kid, big. And he had just fought Charlie Gizzy and his brother and beat him up. and he was 14 years old. And he was having beef with a friend of mine. A really dear friend of mine at the time.

My friend villainized him. I meet this kid and I hit it all for him. In fact, I really liked this D.D. kid. And we started hanging out. And Pop goes to weasel and my fucking mom died. Didi comes from the funeral. Dedy wants to be a Paul Barra. You know, he introduces me to his brother.

his brother's name is Carlos. So when my mom died, it's so weird. I moved with this kid, John, but he was at war with Didi, but I hung out with Didi. Me, Didi, Avila, Glencanti, Lube, a bunch of us hung out behind Avillo's house. He had that shed that I always tell you guys about, where he painted the walls and had no heat, and we'd go back there in the dead of the winter and drink and smoke dope and take acid and whatnot. He was just part of the family, Dee. And one night, he said to me,

you want to come over and eat? And I went over there, and I ate with him and his mom and his grandma. But when I went over there, I noticed that his brother was a darling. His brother was a tough kid, a darling. His mom lived there and his aunt. But the aunt had a mental health issue. Like, she just lived in a room. I would always say hello to her.

She would let me in, but she didn't work. She didn't do nothing. Mom worked and Didi went to school and Carlos did whatever he did. It was funny all those years when I was 16 and 17 on Friday nights, me and Did he would get together. We eat like a fucking Kuelud. We were nuts, you know. I mean, we were fucking nuts as kids.

He was the guy that I was Robin Putnam Field with. He's the first guy ever did an eight ball with and stayed up all night listening to fucking rapper's delight. I mean, me and Dee did a thousand. crazy things. We got beat up one night by Hudson County Park and his brother came and beat the fuck out of the guys an hour later with six other fucking tough guys. We just had a lot of adventures growing up, you know, but I never forgot his aunt. And I don't know what happened between me and Didi, you know, you grow up, uh, I lived, I moved up town and I didn't see Dedy as much. And we

just stopped being friends, but we were tight and I love Didi. Like I really love Dedy. I just don't know what happened. Somewhere on the line, we lost communication. I moved to Colorado, blah, blah, blah. I come back in 94, and I'm asking about Didi, and nobody has seen him. And then a couple of years later, I get the most disturbing fucking report. You know, he's this, Didi just wasn't a kid. He was a good-looking fucking kid who ended up becoming a good-looking man.

His brother is a good-looking fucking man. I mean, D-D-D-D not only was a fucking good-looking dude, but he played football. He was gigantic. He had a body like a fucking Adonis, you know, and he was just a fucking great kid, you know, and I lost contact with him. And one day I found out that if you went to Hudson County Park, I parked by my house and drove around in your car, that within five minutes, D.D. would pull up on the driver's side with no shirt on and ask you if you wanted to party. Somewhere along the line, mental health had grabbed him, and he had started doing tricks, turning tricks. with men at a park. This is mind-boggling. When they told me this, this is like fucking somebody telling you John Wayne is sucking dick at the park.

And then I heard another disturbing report that he had HIV. So, you know me, Doug. I don't even know where to start looking. I got my own fucking problems. And in 2007, the weekend, I quit doing Coke, I did a Friday night show

in North Bergen for the same. the high school and I did a Saturday night show in Hoboken for the police department. And when I get off stage, who's in the back? Fucking Deity. I give him a big hug and we call his brother and he tells me his brother's married with two kids and blah, blah, blah. It just recommunicated me with those guys who was such a part of my childhood. I mean, Carlos was that kid that drove me and Deity to places.

You know, like when you have a friend that go, you go to the movies, your mom drives you? We didn't have a mom, Carlos drove us. So if we had a fucking date, Carlos or drivers. I'm going to tell you how cool Carlos was. There was one night that I had a date, Carlos just gave me his fucking call. Like, Carlos was my big brother, man. So when I reconnected with Didi, he turned me back on to Carlos. And the funniest story was, I was on the run.

People were looking for me in 85. I was living in Bergen County, New Jersey. and I hooked up with this girl and we went food shopping somewhere but even deeper into New Jersey and at the supermarket I see Carlos and when I go Carlos he looks at me and he goes hey you didn't see me

I go what they're looking for you too and he goes yeah they're looking for you too somebody told me that and that was the last time I saw him in 1985 so it's 2008 2007 I reconnect with Carlos and now we're talking on a constant every time I go home

the first fucking night Carlos picks me up we smoke a number We go eat Cuban food, the Chinese food, and he takes me back to the hotel. I give him a big hug, and that's what we do. So the last two times, I went back with my wife last December. I didn't see Carlos. That was the first time.

And then this year, September, I was supposed to hook up with him and Didi. I never heard from Carlos. And I was kind of heartbroken. You know, people have lives, whatever. It would have been nice to go eat a meal with Didi and Carlos and just catch up. but I didn't hear from and I didn't know what had happened and I called them a few

weeks after that I never heard back from him so I just thought it was one of those things in life when friends move on as I'm leaving the house today the phone rings at fucking call us and we start talking and he goes this is the reason why I haven't called you

he goes I told you my son's been having problems mental health runs in his family so his son's been having a couple problems with it you know and they finally got a medication and he felt great, but at the same time, Dee-Dee found out that his nephew was having these problems, and he thought it was because of his mental health problems.

So he slid his neck. From one side of the throat to the other, he slipped both wrist and both ankles. He decided to take 30 Valiums, and he passed out and went to sleep. I guess the Valium slowed down his bleeding, so he didn't fucking die in his sleep. So he got up.

After two days of sleep and he was covered in blood. At this point, he realizes he's not dead. So he fills up the bathtub and he's going to electrocute himself. And he fucking drove something in there. And it threw off the GFI receptacle. And the superintendent of something came up and found them with the blood and called the hospital. And he's alive today. this was one of my best friends growing up, you know,

that I loved with all my heart. And this is why I tell my wife that I'm very lucky every fucking day when I wake up. Because when I tell you about all those acid trips and shit, remember when I tell you, I did acid every day, and you're like, no. Yeah. It was Dedy. I was doing the acid with it.

Oh, boy. When I was doing those fucking drugs, Gorilla pills those fucking powders that T-8C crystal it was D D D D D D Cri I was doing it with when I first started my first dissension into cocaine for the first year It was Dedy I was doing it with me and Dedy did the fucking you know what I'm saying I'm not saying the drugs gave him the mental health I'm not saying this shit but what I'm saying is that he was fine when we were kids he was fine His issues came up later on and I pray for him you know, before I left a little candle upon. I mean, he was one of my best friends growing up.

I loved him with all my heart. I mean, you know, and this is life. This is why I can't even get caught up with stand-up or Hollywood or movies or TV. I really don't give a fuck because I'm so lucky to be in the position I'm in right now as just a human being. It's tough to explain that to people. It's very tough for me to explain that.

people that I really don't give a fuck about the special or I don't give a fuck about comedy or the podcast. I cannot believe that I got this second chance at life. And it makes me so fucking happy at times. At the same time, it makes me sad, you know. Why are you sad? You know, I got two or three friends. Like I said, you know, I got like two or three fucking friends.

I grew up with the drugs, ate them up and spit them up. And they're walking around and they're alive. But I don't know. I don't fucking know. Well, I mean, you were saying that the, uh, the drugs didn't give him the mental health issues. That's probably accurate. But the drugs probably aren't great for someone with those issues. Like, that's probably like that, and I'm not saying that did it, but.

And it's, I'm so good that your friend's okay, but like, what are you, it's scary when you hear stuff like that? To just think people get that low. and I have experience with friends and people close to me but it's nah this just drew me for a loop because listen nobody has a fucking crystal ball and nobody can predict I mean we can't predict our own future

never mind one of your best friend's futures but if you came to me instead this kid was going to slit his fucking throat from ear to ear and then cut his ankles and cut his wrist 20 years ago I would have fucking punch you in the head Just for putting that kiss of death on a good friend of mine, you know. Now it comes to life and it just makes me realize how fortunate I am. That's it. And why I don't, you know, why I don't give a fuck about any of this stuff.

Like I'm really happy about my daughter. I'm not even mad about Jackie not talking to me anymore. I'm not even mad about that anymore. I haven't been mad at my ex-wife in months. I giggle and fuck around with it, but I don't really give a fuck no more. There's nothing I could do to change. I have no power over it.

This is something we really don't know. When I'm young, you really don't know these things. This is powerless type of shit. All you could control is what's in front of you and what's in your realm. You know, when we're young, I couldn't understand this type of shit right now. because you obsess about the stuff that you can't control.

Yeah, you obsess about all this stuff when we're young that you're like, okay, I'm going to stop obsessing now and go to sleep at night. You can't fucking live unless you're obsessed with obsessing yourself with fucking nightmares of your life. And what am I going to do when my job is over in three years? Who gives a fuck?

We'll worry about it in three years, you know, like all that type of shit. And that's going back. Don't a lot of people, when we were speaking, talking about earlier about how we let our way go when we're focusing on work, don't a lot of people find, like, when you focus on losing weight or getting back in shape, your other parts of your life, kind of get back into track?

Well, when you work on yourself, Lee, it's fucking tremendous. It is tremendous because you pour more into the other parts. Listen, when you're cheating yourself somewhere, you're cutting yourself short in other avenues of your life. If you're cheating on your wife, if you're fucking gambling your family's money, like me, I was snorting my family's money. When me and Terry were just dating, I was snorting our extra money, I was snorting. It affects the other parts of your life. It affected my stand-up. It affected my health.

It affected my self-esteem. It affects everything. The same, when you destroy yourself, it affects everything. that same fucking nickel when you look out for yourself it helps you in different areas is it uh when you were walking out of that kettlebell class on Friday and you went all three days right how good did you really feel in your heart

I loved it yeah you felt like you had really accomplished something what did it make you do go home smile take a shower and made you come here you were a little happier you did what you had to do for the week at whatever cost, that is the goal. To get up on Sunday and go, you know what, this week, I'm going to go to the gym three times. On Sunday morning, you say this to yourself,

just three times. And you walk out of the third time, you know, this week I'm going to write three paragraphs in my book. These are why you start with these little goals, because it empowers the rest of your life. My all goal for Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays when I'm in town is to go to Jiu-Jitsu. Me getting beat up, me getting choked up,

that's just part of the game. But when I walk out of there, as long as I go in there, and this could be anything. It doesn't have to be Jiu-Jitsu. It's an hour that I'm taking care of myself. It could be going to the gym, it could be going to a Pilates class, it could be going to a ceramic class,

anything where you're taking care of yourself is beneficial and it's going to help every area of your life I don't give a fuck if you go to the gym and walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes and sit for the next 50 minutes I wouldn't give a fuck but if you did that three times a week

by the fourth week you're going to go to yourself why do I do this let me just walk 20 minutes that's why I tell people, show up. Don't worry about anything else. Just show up. Eventually, you'll catch her. Just go down there.

Go down there. I know it's not. It doesn't really line up because you've been doing comedy much longer than you've been doing J2, but getting your blue belt and your special are pretty close. Like, does it have any correlation

or is it all? Listen, man, getting the blue belt, I didn't deserve with the blue belt. I see blue belts in there that'll throw me up in the hand wrap me up. He gave me the blue belt because I'm a hard worker. I had goals. He saw it. He saw it. He would say to me, you're here at night. I got to come three times. Doesn't matter. Come hella high water. I got to come here three times. You have 24 hours a day times seven. I'm talking about three hours of that. Nobody's that busy. Right. Yeah.

Nobody's that busy. Nobody's that busy. Because even if you work Monday through Friday and you said to me, Joey, guess what? I'm going to do 10 push-ups and 10 sit-ups and 10 squats on Saturdays and Sundays. And then on Wednesdays, when I get home from work, I'm going to do that. You just helped yourself by doing those 30 fucking movements.

And then you say to me, you know what else I'm going to do, Joey? I'm going to get a fucking notebook every morning. And before I come out of the shower, I'm going to write a page. of how I'm feeling what my plans are for the day who I'm mad at who I'm mad at what am I mad about you go so to bed so mad you wake up in a middle night you're mad you can't fucking sleep you want to go to sleep open up a page and write it out within an hour where you'll be sleeping like a fucking baby what do you do you write a letter because it's your psyche that's fucking not a

letter just right about the situation write the whole situation now. Two weeks ago, I gave me $200 to go gamble, and he came back with no fucking money and a frown. You know what I'm saying? He don't even give me a fucking losing ticket here, nothing. Anything. Anything is better than you sitting there. Because sometimes while you're writing it, right? Like, let's say you're mad at your insurance rate went up. Oh my God, I am. I'm pissed. Okay. Let's say you're mad at your insurance rate when you're right, while you're writing about the situation, something else is going to come out of that pen.

Okay That's the cure of insomnia Writing whenever I got insomnia But listen Did I fucking know that 28? No That I know that 35? No I was too busy starting coke I just realized this three, four years ago

Wait, what do you mean the cure from insomnia Because I would think if you start writing And you get on a roll You'd get like Your brain would start going No, you'll get that shit out And you're going to go right back to bed If you have insomnia

It's just a bump in the road It's just a bump in the road You're missing your mom Maybe an uncle died Maybe your favorite cousin Get up and write about him for 10 minutes Watch what happens Watch what happens

Sometimes I just write for 30 minutes Then I go in the living room And I catch 10 minutes of law and order And I'm done I gotta go right to bed Whatever's on at 3.30, quarter to four I'm done But I don't fight it no more

I get up with it now And I ride the energy wave I write what's ever bothered me Because the reason why I'm not sleeping Because that's on my mind. That's smart. I would have thought. I didn't know.

I didn't write this. I didn't invent this. I think I read it in some fucking book. And then I tried it. I didn't invent this. I just fucking tried with that. I read and it worked for me. In fact, I think I'm going to read that book.

It's the War of Art. The Art of War? No, the War of Art. Oh, okay. The Art of War is by Shinsu. Okay. The Art of War is by a press list. Stephen Pressfield or something.

I think he, in that book it's a, Either that or the one by the horror Stephen King, the one that he wrote, it talks about some nights just getting up in the middle of the night and fucking writing if you can't sleep or some shit like that. Okay, that's good. I'll try it because I can never sleep. But that's it. And it's so weird how my life changed when I started making, taking little turns to taking care of myself. Just little things. Not nothing outrageous.

No more soda, no more soda, you know, a lot more water, whatever. Just little things, constant efforts. You know what, I'm going to go to bed. You've been watching TV and say this to yourself. You've got to say to yourself. Okay, last night I was watching, I took a big nap yesterday afternoon, like a three-hour nap. Oh, shit. And the night before.

So I knew last night was going to be a late night. You left at 11.30, quarter of 12. right okay and i had cuban coffee so my wife went to sleep i stayed awake and the next thing you fucking know i watched something on julia serving and uh marvin bad news barns about the aBA and then i got caught up in some fucking movie

i'm watching this movie about 20 minutes and i was watching it what fucking movie was it jesus christ that's how stone that was last night the last two nights I've been so high at the house by myself the first night Bert Kreischer called me and he goes hey you're gonna come over tomorrow I had to call him back the next day oh Bert you call this night we talked and he's like yeah don't you remember I told me to come over five o'clock tomorrow I didn't even fucking remember that's how fucking

chiseled I was what do you have what edibles did you have everything I had the transmission fluid I had a couple stars I had some of Larry's happy pills I was off and running, Jack. There was no drama in my life. It was late. I was staying home. This is my last weekend at home. You know, next week I do New Year's with Joe Saturday night. Friday after I do Caluca

Casino. Friday after that, I'm in Cleveland. And a Friday after that, I'm in motherfucking Tempey, Arizona. So these next four weeks, I'm working on the weekend. So I figured this last weekend at home, I'm going deep right in my living room and shit. I love going

deep in my living room. It was fun getting a stone in Vegas. I like I liked gambling. It was a it was pretty cool like you were able to calm yourself down because that's the biggest thing and I really think it relates to with gambling like when you start going too fast or you start betting too much as when you start losing. So I was thinking about you the whole time because that's I did great that night because I was I was on stars and I just was betting my normal $15 and I just got one on a run. And it was a, it's pretty crazy to see. I don't know much about gambling in that aspect.

I'm not a card player. But I know that to win at the slot machines, you got to sit there for a fucking hour or two. And that's... Or three, or four. It's about patience and nailing it, nailing it. No one went to bet three quarters, no one to bet one quarter. No one to bet three quarters. No one to bet three quarters.

No one. you know, and then just catching it. Pretty soon you start catching. The machine and you start flowing. You hit two wheel of fortune. That, da, da, da, da, da, that. And you win 40 bucks. And that's the guy that wins.

You know, that's what I know about that. Right. My biggest issue is leaving because I, like, I lost, but then I went and hit, like, 150 off of a 20 on slots, and I gambled it away. I kept trying to play. That's why they call it. If you wanted to fucking hold on to it, you just go up to your room and create a museum. Just look at your $20 bills and sit there all night, like a bumpy.

But you're in Vegas. Your natural, whatever. Instinct is to go back downstairs and try to rock the house or say, you know what? I'm going to put 60 in my pocket, and I'm going to bet with 60 and see what happens. But I understood Larry's logic. Larry didn't want you to go to one of the big casinos because he didn't want you to lose your money. at his casino, there was a $5 dollar table that you could milk for two fucking

house. I went to his casino, and that's where I lost the rest of my winnings. It was the coolest night for me, because I just got lucky. I thought, first, I had lost all week, and Joey gave you gave me a hundred bucks to gamble. I was like, this is Joey's money.

And then out of like this, out of the abyss, I saw it's not for Dairy Queen. Excalibur has the Dairy Queen. It wasn't over. open, but I was just thinking, like, what would you do? And there was this cool, there was this cool black dude dealer. I went to sat down alone with him. I used a little gamble alone. And he just started, we just started going. And I ended up paying like eight black jacks in like 30 minutes. I, I just hit a ton of a amount, betting 15 bucks. And they just started giving me

green chips, which is 25. And I never bet those. The, like, it scares me. And when I got, I just, I turned out, I turned your hundred into six. I was so happy. And I just got up and moved to the next table. I did move to the next table. And they said, this is a $25 table. I said, okay, I'll try it with a hundred. If I lose that, I'll be done.

And I just start winning, winning, winning. I got up to right up to a thousand, I think, pretty close. But I end, I, anyways, I just, I, you always go on low runs. But I sat there was a professional. blackjack player there, but in like a thousand a hand. It was freaking me out. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen. He got black, he, like, he got black jacks on like $500 chips.

So you were up at Gno, LaRue? Well, yeah, I was pretty close to it. Did you go to your room? With the Gno? No. Then where'd you lose the Gno? Okay, so I got, I was, I was down to like 700. Because you just, you, what gets you is the doubling.

because that's it's the fucked up thing there's hands that you're always supposed to double which is doubling your bet and you double two or three of them and then the dealer pulls the 21 out of nowhere and it's that's why it's gambling and that's why the casinos are huge so what did you go back to your room with after that five

well then see this is where they get you I should have if I had left when the tram that's why they don't have clocks if they had left when the tram was still running I would have been up like 700 bucks but then I had to walk home and I'm going to just test out the other casinos

so I lost a couple in the Luxor with like you know that lady at the at the ice house the nice lady who was the host

like the Asian version of her next to a guy in a wheelchair and why whoa whoa whoa you gamble next to a guy in a wheelchair yeah that's the kiss of death right there

oh why Because. Because. See, this is why... No Asians, no fucking, you know, none of that stuff. You got to be around by yourself. That's when you were winning. See, that's where you fucked up. I'm not saying not to be next to wheelchair people.

I'm saying that you had just one fucking $10,000. You should have gone back to a table by yourself. Or you should have just stayed with the black dude. One of the black dude left. But actually, the one who gave me the most was an Asian lady. who, and I love it, I know we have a lot of Asian listeners, but just, you guys are too good at being dealers. You go too fast. The Asian women are like ninjas.

They just go, like, it's the fastest thing. You end up losing really fast because they don't stop because they've been, they're just amazing at their jobs. So how much did you get back to the room with? Well, then I went and gambled with a guy from New York, so I got back with 400. All right. And then the next day, I went to lunch with Larry and his son, who was awesome. But I lost, like, 300 in, like, 20 minutes. It was the worst.

It was the worst. And you drove home, and that was it. Mama was waiting for you. She smacked you around a little bit. Yeah, well, yeah. But, I mean, I only go with what I can lose. So, like, nothing, I'm still going to be able to pay my rent. Like, when I told Paula what I lost, she was, like, you have a problem.

I was like, okay. But I don't know, I just love it. Listen, man. Everybody has a different way of burning energy. It's not like you're fucking chasing bets every week. No. Then that's the problem. You went to Vegas.

This is what you'll enjoy, to be honest with you. This is what you enjoy. You enjoy eating and you enjoy fucking gambling. Oh, yeah. Where's Tony Bennett, cuck, cuck, sucker. What the fuck? This is why you got to tell him. You enjoy gambling and eating and I enjoy it by myself.

I want to be. around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart as I a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me Christmas. And here we are. Who leave you to learn? Fucking beautiful.

2016's almost gone. 2017's right around the corner. It's time for another star. Oh my God. What the fuck? You can't walk on one leg. You know what I'm saying?

Right now the three wise men was showing up with an envelope. They just started their journey. I can't walk at all right now. Oh, Fuck it. You don't need to walk. Who gives a fuck? You got nowhere to go and nobody to see.

Ventura was great last weekend. For anybody who came out to the Hong Kong and it was fucking tremendous. My set was a little off. I went a little long. But I love you guys. I love that place. I like the guy who runs it.

Your Mushu pork wasn't bad. And thank you. I want to thank my main man, fucking Ryan, for coming out and giving me 20 bags of fucking reefer out there we got mushrooms for you lee coming we got another guy who promised mushrooms for lee it was a great night if you came out thank you very much man that's all i want to fucking say while lee was in Vegas eating and having a good time i was up there hand to hand combating it

with you motherfuckers you know what i'm saying up in ventura so it was great it was raining here it was uh three or four days of fucking torture here with the rain these people cannot drive in the rain so it's pretty interesting to see Let me ask you, Lee. Yes, sir. If you had to think about it, I might even tour, the weirdest thing happened. I've been playing phone tag for the last three weeks with Mike Roebuck. Remember Mike Robuck called him with the Book of Knives?

Oh, absolutely. It was hard just to get a hold of him. He's been working. We were just having a conversation about, like, having really bad Christmases, you know, that his brother had gone through some stuff. And we hung up And I started thinking about Fuck

Like what were my worst Christmases Did you have any bad Christmases growing up? Growing up I had a bunch I feel terrible I had always had Great Christmases

I As I got older My parents Would fight during the holidays A little bit Which isn't great But every family does that It's not like that's weird

But my worst One's where I guess Would probably be Out here The first few years just when I didn't really have anybody. But usually I got pretty lucky to be honest with you, at least once somebody or work would have a potluck or something,

that's the great thing about people now is they usually tend to invite to something. Maybe not on Christmas Day. Like that would suck sometimes, but to at least be included in it. You know, I meant to call Dean Delray today to invite him over. I just didn't know what my schedule was going to be. Like I said, I was tired.

I got up at fucking 10 to 6. I went to bed at what, 1.30? I got up at 10 to 6 expecting to get up and have to build the bike. Uh-huh. And have to wrap a few things. I get up. I go into the office and everything's missing. I go, what the fuck happened?

I go into Loon. My wife got up at 3 and wrapped some shit. And so I woke her up. I go, we're going to build the bike. She goes, no, let's just build it with her together. So I was already up. So I got up at 6. They both stayed in bed till eight.

Your daughter stayed in bed till 8 on Christmas morning? Yeah, I wrote. I smoked some refra. I made a protein shake. I just entertained myself. I've been really working on this book lately. Like, I really now have the time. So I got the chapters.

You know, I'm working at two chapters at once. And I've been trying to hit one chapter at night and one chapter in the daytime early. And it's just, you put in two or three paragraphs the next day you look at it you put the fucking periods maybe you take out three sentences that are necessary and you start writing three more paragraphs

so I've been on a pretty good pattern you know it's tough to write in those hotel rooms it's tough to write three days and come back to it but this has been pretty good so I've been sticking to that lately you know it's I you know I was thinking about ADD today I was last night, we ended up going to Bert's house, and there was probably 10 kids over there, 12 kids over there.

None of them Mercy's age, you know. All of them, three or four years older than Mercy. So Mercy's in heaven. A four-year-old, around eight-year-olds, they're in their fucking heaven, you know? When I walked in with her, she sat right next to Bert's daughter, Georgia. She really likes the older one, and Georgia likes her. So they were together for a little while,

and then next thing you know, she's in the fucking yard, on the swing, then she's putting on her jacket, and she's going in, and then she sits down on the couch, and then she gets up, and they got that movie on, Mauiwam, whatever, they got that on, but no, Mercy sits down, then she gets up, I unzipped the jacket first, she sits down again, I walk out of the room, I see Mercy go into the doll room, and I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking about this fucking thing that somebody was telling me once, I was at a lunch, and somebody was blowing smoke up my ass about their kids' ADD, and I'm sitting there thinking at the myself, what the fuck is this guy talking about?

That he's got to be on medication, that if not, he loses his shit. I'm like, what? I got it. I've always had it, you know? But I didn't realize I had it until fucking last night when I was watching Mercy fucking walking around. Because when I was a kid, they used to always tell me, this motherfucker can't sit still. I can never sit still as a child.

That's why I didn't fucking sleep and stuff. So that was you going from thing to thing? To thing to thing. Like today, she was on the bike. for 10 minutes. Then the bike was over and then we played baseball for 10 minutes. Then we kicked the ball for 10 minutes. And then we fucking play with bubbles for 10 minutes. And then we bent back in and she sang to me, Tommy Easter sent her a microphone with some fucking box, Princess, whatever the hell it is. So she loves that thing. And I knew she was. When Tommy

Easter told me what he got her, I go, Jesus fucking Kai, Tommy Easter. She's going to love that thing. A microphone with a little Miss Sophia. Are you kidding? in me and the karaoke's? Oh my God. Oh, yeah. So the karaoke's with the song. You follow me? And she likes Miss Sophia?

Yeah, Princess Sophia. I mean, I don't know nothing. There's like 10 of them she listens to, you know, but she was on that, and then she was in the fucking thing with the hot wheels. It never ends. So I was thinking about, if you really have this, do you really have to treat it? What do you mean? Because my generation, nobody treated nothing.

They just gave you more soda. until you fucking went crazy, you know. ADD, do you know anything about this? I don't, I mean, but I don't know if it's EA. Is it considered ADD? Or is it just bullshit? At four, isn't that just being a kid? A kid, yeah, that's how I look at it.

It's just being a kid. Listen, man, she don't, at daycare, she's got nine best friends at daycare. Yeah. But you know what? She's happiest when she's by herself. She's an only child like I was. So she's hugging kids a day.

She hangs out with the little black dude who fell down and bumped his head the other day Oh shit. And they put a bandage on his head hysterical. So my wife walked in, he kept pointing to the bandage. Yeah, because they put helmets on when they ride bicycles. I would hope so. But the fucking ledge caught him right under the helmet, the poor kid. It's not bad enough.

He's already deaf. And he's the cutest little fucking, motherfucker fucking black kid you ever seen your life. Every time I see him, I knuckle him. knuckle him, high-five and give him a hug. He gives me a hug. I've known the kid for two years. I was swimming with the kid when he was a baby, me, him, and my daughter.

So I know Zave, since he was a fucking baby. That's hysterical. But, yeah, did she have a good time? Well, yeah, I mean, I don't think you have anything to worry about. She had a great time at Bert Christ's last night. I'm very happy. I want to really thank him from inviting me over there. It was very nice of him.

He knows that, you know, we were going to go to George, his house and Georgia's has little dogs and shit and it's adults you know every time we go to Georgia's we have a great time but she's the star of the night because she's the only fucking kid right yeah adults and they play with her and stuff you know but to be around kids and she got to look at them and stuff it was really great for her she was dead till nine you know we kept her out late last night party and so I knew she was gonna sleep late today and this she didn't really get the concept of waking up for Christmas. When we showed her that Santa ate the cookie, she looked at us like it was a magic trick.

Like, you know what I'm saying? Like she didn't really, she got it, but she didn't give a fuck. She was just ripping through those toys, ripping through the papers and shit. She's like, yeah, I don't care how they got here. Yeah, I don't fucking know. She, you know, my wife put the gifts out. I'm being known what's to me and what I wanted to do. She goes, no, let's put them out.

I had a whole plan that there's nothing there in the morning, and also there's a thousand gifts there. There's nothing there at night. And I'll send you wake up. There's a thousand fucking gifts gone. I wanted to put the dish with the milk and then spill it. And then as soon as I heard the door, I'd be, hey, come back. You just missed Santa Claus.

Yeah. Yeah. I... My wife didn't want to do that. You know, who the fuck knows? So I didn't know. When she put the gifts out, I said, this is it. This is it. I didn't like it. It took the fucking... It took the

the pizzass off. Because it's supposed to be like us. Yeah, it's supposed to be Christmas morning. That's what I felt. I don't know. Yeah, I never, I was always sure to that. For me, I, I want to go to bed and there'd be nothing there. Just a tree with lights and I can't find the fucking presents.

I can't figure what the fuck thing got them in. You know, I know they're around here. My friend told me there's no fucking Santa Claus, but I know there is. My mom and dad wouldn't lie to me. You know, whatever the fuck. And then all of a sudden you wake up. Christmas morning and there's fucking toys everywhere. One of them is built.

That's Christmas. You know, show them a picture. You know, now you could fucking buy the videotape of Santa, drinking milk or something in your house and show you a kid. That's a terrible. There's something you could download now. I don't know. I don't fucking know. I just wanted to make it that way.

If I think about my worst Christmas, I got to think about my best Christmas. that my best Christmas was a 205 West 88th Street. When we left mine as a family, there was no presents, and we came back at 3 in the morning. They were fucking presents, okay? That's a fucking trick right there. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it, cocksucker. Let me give some shoutouts real quick here,

and we'll get out of this. I want to, first off, I want to thank, I want to wish the whole church family a happy Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. You know, I love you guys. Again, my man Ryan from Detroit, Bobby Sharon and Crystal, Dennis McGarry, Paul Lynch, Bob Lillings, and his family, JJ Stemler, William Avala, Michael Trevino, Jimmy Dominguez, Noah Zark, and the motherfucking Ortegas and shit making it happen up there in fucking Northern California. And that's basically it, my man, you know, I wanted to do a podcast.

I just, I had a lot of fucking bad Christmas. You know, but they weren't bad in the sense that I brought them upon myself. Okay? They weren't bad because life was cruel to me. In many ways, I brought it upon myself. The one Christmas that I thought was going to be bad was prison. And it was tremendous. Like the next day of the 26th, I opened up my eyes and that's it.

And that's how some people view Christmas. they view Christmas like they just want to wake up and it's the 26th of September of December I'm sorry and I understand that like you know it's that hard of a day for you and I think there was a time too like when my mom first died those first couple of years I didn't really want to experience Christmas it wasn't going to be Christmas without it I thought it would never be Christmas without as a matter of fact

if it wasn't from my daughter it'd just be another day for me I'm not gonna lie to you like I told you in the document three years ago Once you lose a parent, you go move on, but it's like eating food with no salt on it. You know what I'm saying? That's what your life becomes when you don't have a parent. You know, that's why those first couple of years, Christmas didn't mean Dick. Christmas didn't mean Dick that I got back in like a family environment. Like in 86, 87, Christmas meant something again because I had a girlfriend and a family,

and I had somewhere to go. But all those years, I was out there fucking playing a scavenger. I didn't give a fuck. It's funny because today I talked to Timmy Holloway. And we were talking about the Christmases we used to spend at his house. You know, Christmas 81, Christmas 82, and I think Christmas of 84, I went down there to eat at this house. They were tremendous. They were fucking tremendous.

What ages are that, is that? 17, 18, like 22 or something like that, 21. But the one when we were 17, you know, we walked in there fucking half stone, we ate like animals. It was a different time, you know. It was a different time, Christmases. And we were talking this morning him and I about how much life has changed, you know.

And in many ways, some ways. I can handle it in some ways I can't. You know? Why not? A lot of ways. I don't know. Sometimes it gets late at night. My wife goes to bed.

I'm in the living room watching TV and I start getting self-doubts at night. I start thinking about like more shit I could be doing, you know, here I am fucking around. I don't know. I beat myself up just like everybody else. But I also beat myself up at times about how fast this life went. life went like one minute I was somewhere and the next minute I was somewhere else like some nights I questioned myself like where the fuck did it go

and how fast did it go? When you're 20 you really don't see you think you have all this time but you really fucking don't it goes so goddamn quick and why is it like is it upsetting because you like you think you're like you're a fear of death

No, no, no, no, no, not at all. At times, I'm, at times it's kind of hard that that's all behind me now, that those aspects of my life are behind me now. Okay. But all the bad aspects, I'm all so sad about the good aspects of my life back then that are behind me now. You know, when I go back to New Jersey, that deli I grew up and is no longer there and no longer exist.

All those people that I used to walk up and down, You know, it's so funny right now I'm writing about 1983 when I was a burglar and snowmast. I had a day job. I was taking night classes. You know, I never bought Coke. All right, I was only buying weed.

But if I come to you, I'd say, listen, my roommate wants to buy some Coke. The Coke was really for me. And what I was doing was robbing Coke dealers. But since I didn't snort Coke, they didn't suspect me. Are you with me? Okay, yeah.

So they didn't suspect me. So for about five or six months, I was robbing drug dealers, but nobody suspected me because I didn't do coke. They would offer it to me, and I go, no, I don't do coke. I smoke pot. But meanwhile, you were doing a ton of coke. I wasn't doing a ton of coke. I was robbing coke and snorting it by little by little when I get home at night.

I wasn't snorting in the front of nobody. I was doing it to the tea. What does that mean? To the tea. I never broke my rule. I never did cocaine outside the house at night. Okay, when I was at a bar, I'd have one drink, I'd run home and get hot. But I never got high the whole time in snowmast in the beginning out.

So what I would have been, how high are you right now, Lee? It looks like you're going through changes again. This is changes right now. No, I can tell you're making funny faces. It's like somebody farted, you're covering your nose. So it was funny that I was doing great. I had them all fooled. But I had done a burglary.

in September of a Labor Day weekend. And I got away with it. And it was right in my backyard. And I said, fuck it, I'm not going to clip up in my backyard no more. I'll clip an Aspen and I'll clip Down Valley. I only robbed drug dealers in Snowmass. I won't rob businesses. And then one Christmas Eve, I went out and drank a couple fucking southern comforts and

orange juice. And I got all fucked up. And I kicked the door down in like four places. And the next day, they made the papers. and people are paranoid and people were talking about it. Like I would go to play darts at people's houses and smoke some pot with them and they were all saying,

can you believe somebody broke them all? And then one night some guy even said, yeah, they were robbing some drug dealers and there was zeroing in on the guy that was robbing the co-dealers. There was zero in on a guy named Todd something. I'll never forget this. And the whole time, I'm hanging with these guys

and they're telling me it's that Todd that's breaking into all the drug dealers. Little did they know was me. I wasn't there, are you taught? No, I wasn't tired at all. So I had it going really good. I had money put away. I had gold put away.

I had a block of hash put away. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You had gold put away? Yeah, I had gold. What does that mean? Because I had clipped gold from people. I had a bunch of shit put away. And my plan was just to sit on it.

And if I needed to make a move, this was like money in the bank for me. I was making money as a nutrition's helper. I wasn't paying much rent. I was eating salami. and fucking salads then and a steak for dinner. I was buying weed and all the coke I was snorting was for free because I was robbing it and I would always get a little cash and I would rob the drug dealers.

So I robbed those four fucking things. The pictures, not my picture. They do a write-up in both papers. They don't mention drug dealers. But when I'm out one night, they start talking about these drug dealers that are getting robbed. I'm giggling the whole time because I know they don't have who gots.

How did that make the newspaper? Because there were four businesses. Well, yeah, the four businesses like, yeah, but were the drug dealers complaining? I didn't know, but I had heard that one night somebody said, you know, I heard about businesses, but I also heard drug dealers again, Rob. Oh, my. So I'm sitting there getting, getting... It's terrible for everybody in this town. This sounds really going down.

I'm terrorizing the whole neighborhood at the age of 19. I got the whole village. Wait. I was 19 and I had that village lit on fire. How long have you been there? I got there maybe July of 83. Okay. And it's November of 84.

Oh, gee. I had already terrorized like 10 drug dealers. And here's the beauty. I would hit them three times. Like, they would get hit three times. Like the second time, you figure, fuck, I'm going to get out of the bill. Wait, wait, wait.

But that was even a torture chamber then. How long would you give them between robings four or five weeks and I clip. I let them refuel and let them get back on their feet and get confident. And I'd see him out talking. Like, yeah, I got a gun now and shit, okay. And I'd just wait for them to go skiing

and kick down their door again. Every time they went skiing, ba, ba, boom. There I was. And I wasn't even kicking in their door, to be honest. You know, those drug dealers got their doors kicked in. I had the fucking key. or I figured out how to break into my friend Jimmy God rest of the soul

made a tool for me that all the condos were the samely it was called Creekside so it was A to fucking K they all had the same door four doors in each condo A to K A B C D E F G H I J

K 11 fucking buildings Are you kidding me or what? What letter did it get to okay I hit the whole fucking thing you know me I don't know what do you think I'm gonna stop at I I got time for that shit so all right so it's fucking January 1st in my fucking ketosis I'm sitting there and I'm thinking to myself you know what man I'm gonna go back home but I'm gonna rob this one last joint all right there was this

joint that had a safe that was filled to the gills that wasn't stapled to the floor plus the guy made mistake number one the shit he had out in the glass he would never put it in the safe he'd leave it out all night

in his own house no this was a business so even though wait wait how is it a business I can't tell you what type of business it would give you imagination

I just gave you a fucking hit. So this guy, first off, I had hooked up with a dude who was on the run from Minneapolis. I had hooked up with a dude, I had hooked up with two dudes that had changed my life at that age. I had hooked up with a dude

that was tremendous with weapons, but I also hooked up with a dude who was a fucking stone cold criminal. So I thought, I'll fill you in on this in later chapters. So I fucking thought. And he taught me how to...

I would tell him... In those days, you had to go get a box, okay? This is when it was fucking scaryly. Because you were putting... I was already telling you, so I would have to get a box of camera. In those days, if you wanted a camera, they came in a fucking box.

This is how much of an amateur I was. And I would take pictures of them all. and then by mistake, I would click the pictures of the alarm system and I would bring them to my friend. I would get them developed. Okay. Then bring them to my friend, tell them everything. The measurements, I take pictures.

But I take pictures of the building so the people at Kodak wouldn't suspect it. Because in those days, you got your film developed in one hour, but they looked at your pictures, you know what I'm saying? Right. I never wanted them to just see pictures of one target, so I took pictures of a bunch of stuff. And I was always talking about architecture, so they didn't know if I was an architecture student or whatever.

This is a small town. So I'd have to go get the pictures and bring him to him to him. And then he would tell me, he'd go there one day, and then he'd tell me how to break into the alarms. Where to cut the alarm system, how much time I had before the cops got to fucking back up. This guy knew everything. So I said, if I'm going to go home,

I already got an envelope to go home with. I could go home for fucking two weeks and live like a king, but why not really live like a king? Let me rob this fucking last joint. So I planned to hit this joint like the first week of January and I wasn't going home to February 1st. It went, I was fucking planned.

And guess what else happened? A fucking blizzard of the snow. So I'm not talking about fucking all these East Coast storms. I'm talking about a Colorado storm. Fucking eight inches and three hours, that type of shit. Like it's a whiteout type shit.

So the night I plane, it's a fucking white out. So what happens? So I leave from where I live maybe 300 yards on this mountain and I creep up to this little mini mall where this business was at

and they had a front entrance and a back entrance. My plan was to go to the front entrance. This is 10 years before I met Josh Wolf and clip the safe. Pick up the safe and throw it off the fucking mountain. This was before the snow. I was gonna let the safe and gravity do its own work.

What if it popped over and the money went for? Then I'd pick up the cash and run like a motherfucker. And I wouldn't have to take the safe back to the garage and I wouldn't have to have the evidence. So I cut the two wires. There was no fucking cameras in those days. I cut the two wires. And to my fucking behold, there was a whiteout,

but the fucking cops came up the hill with their lights on. And two cop cars came up with their lights on, which gave me a jump. So I just ran home. I didn't even, I just cut the wires, and I must have cut the wrong wire, and they got the fucking call. Oh, Jesus Christ.

So they come up, I jump off the back balcony, and I run home. And let me tell you some, it was snowing so hard that, yeah, that hole was filled within 10 fucking minutes. Like, it was filled. That's how much snow there was.

Like, I was falling everywhere, but it was snowing. so much and I went the long way I went all the way to K because I had shoveled so I knew K and all that was open I walked down the thing my mistake was I took my boots off when I brought them in they followed the snowpath to my door and then the cops like where were you coming from and I said I came from Aspen and all this shit and I go I must have gotten mixed up with the snow but I didn't rob no jewelry snow but now they knew now I was on a short list now you're on their radar. So now I had a boogie.

So for three weeks, I had to walk around, wait to see if they were going to pinch me. They never pinch me, but now the burglaries also stopped. So I definitely knew it was me. Did you think you had to commit another robbery? I did, but there was nothing to rob. That interested me at that point. All my challenges have been done. Unless I wanted, by this time, I knew they were on to me. It's not like they were watching me. It was too small of a place. be watched they could always uh you know but they were at least watching out for shit now now they

knew how many people do you think are there that just live and around the country move every couple years and just move city to city and rob a ton you think so it catches up with you you leave, you know, you're like a fucking slug, you leave shit behind. So you leave enough shit behind, they'll come back to haunt you. It did me. It did me. It didn't work. What they found out in the different cities, I was that didn't fucking help my cause.

No, I can't. You know, when I went to get, from my preliminary hearing, when I fired my attorney, that's when they took me in the back. And the DEA was there. And they were showing me pictures, the district attorney from Boulder, the guy that was trying to prosecute me, was giving me paperwork, and showing me, he goes, listen, man, we did like a thorough background check on you. You were fucking in trouble in San Francisco.

They just started spitting it out. You were in trouble in New York City. You were in trouble in Jersey. You got in trouble in Connecticut. They fucking did a thorough check. All those places I thought I was being fucking cute at, they fucking knew about it, especially Aspen, and especially the story I'm telling you right fucking now.

Jesus. Fucking craziness, man. What does that make you feel like when you hear that? When I went and they told me to my face? Yeah. Oh, I knew. I knew everything comes back to haunt you. Don't think you get away when...

And this is way before computers. what they had done was called. You know what I'm saying? Like, this is when you call. This was way before computers were very, you know, 83, yeah, they were still, some people had really good computer systems, and some people didn't, you know.

In 84, I got busted for weed, and they already had that fingerprint thing in the car, where if you don't have an ID, they put your fucking fingerprint or some shit in that, you know? I went to other towns where I gave them a name, and it was a felony I did, but I gave them a name. It takes them 10 days to run your fucking name in some places. Not anymore.

Not anymore, Jack. It's immediate, right? It's fucking 10 seconds. 10 seconds, everything comes back on NCIC. In the old days, they had to send fingerprints. And that gets put on the list. So you might get bailed the fuck. Did you electrocate yourself?

Did you? No, no. What the fuck just happened? I'm just really high. So you might get arrested on a Friday, give them a fake fucking name. Right. When I was doing all that stupidity, you might get arrested on a Friday, gave him a fake name.

Bail out Monday. And they wouldn't know for 30 fucking days. Fuck. Then they would catch you when you came back to court. If you came back, if you were that dumb to come back. and people they come back. You know who came back? Who?

Me. And that's how long it took them. I went back, did the community service. They didn't catch it was me until a year later in Seattle. I got arrested and I saw that I wasn't wanted, but they figured out that was one of my aliases. Oh. So, like, yeah, we did, you did it, but we know who you're. are now. Yeah, so they just said,

fuck it, we're not going to arrest you. We just know you fucking did that shit. It's pretty interesting. Now you can't do that. Now the computer system they got you in ten fucking seconds. So it's really, do you think can you have a career after you get out of jail?

If you were a thief, could you go to jail, did the time get out and just start doing it again? As a thief? Uh-huh. Listen, man, I don't know anything about today's world and what's going on. I do know that I see fucking cameras for everything. Right, yeah.

I do know now that when a liquor store gets robbed, it comes on eyewitness news. I know that when a burglary happens and it's an amateur burglary, it's on film. Do you follow I'm saying to you? If four fucking Spanish kids throw a rock through a glass and climb in and take the things in the jewelry store, That's street shit. They're going to show you that. But they're not going to show you footage of people who are in there taking safes. And, you know, people who know how to fucking chisel safes,

then I'm going to show you those tapes. No, and regular ordinary homes have those security systems now. Like my, my, uh, my, uh, my, my, my, my, yeah, but I'm shooting ahead four times before the cops get there. If you don't give me what's in your home safe. That's the. real deal. I could shoot you in the head four fucking times after you press that buzzer. And walk out of there with luggage and shit. And the cops still won't be there.

Yeah. Is that your line to them? I could chew you in the head four fucking times. Don't press that buzzer. No, no, no. You shoot that, you press that button. I shoot you four times in the head. What good are you, you know what I'm saying?

I could still get out of there by the time, you know, they realize you're fucking out of it. That's the fuck that was a lot to have to have. I just got in the alarm. Huh? I had to get an alarm. Yeah, absolutely. It's spooky over there. It's spooky.

It's oaky spooky over there, dog. It's fucking spooky. The night, it's fucking dark. Fuck you. Too quiet? Yeah, it's a bit too quiet. You got the yard and shit. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Rudy was telling me when he was on the podcast. Yeah, Rudy, give me the guy's fucking number. Fuck you. Give me the whole thing. Boobie traps, lights. Explosives you miss the Mexican ice cream man over here? Yeah Nah, I stopped fucking with him when I got up to like 3.36. I was like I can't be fucking with the Mexican ice cream man

No more motherfucker shows up at the way this time of the night I need him like I need a fucking milkshake at two in the morning Fuck him he had me all chiseled out for a fat dude so he was sitting in front of my window and just ring his little ice cream bell Fucking three four times a day he'd even beep the horn like I'm When the ice cream man beeps the horn at you, you know, you're a fat fuck. Like you're... I was walking, I was going to the gym. That's when I first moved here, too.

I was walking my wife to work in the morning, and then I would stay walking for an hour. And then I would go home, eat, wait, watches, go to the gym, and I noticed, bam, I'm putting on fucking pound. It was that fucking Mexican ice cream, man, beeping the horn at me. He was luring me out to the talk to him, and he'd sell me a fucking ice cream. Was he mad? Like, he was mad at you for? making him wait? Not at all.

He'd wait out there until I got the beep. After 15 minutes, you're like, there's got to be beeping for me. I look out the window. He's out there waving. I'd fucking say, fuck it, he's out there. You want something? No, I'm going to get a double cone. Then I realized, Jesus Christ, these double cones are fucking killing me, so I cut that motherfucker off. Then he switched governments. He's like, there's 10 different dudes now.

Every time one guy gets comfortable, they hear something, and they fucking leave down. So it's stuff having on ice cream. And he works it. Listen, if you sit here at 6 o'clock at night, from 6 to 11ly, he'll come by twice an hour. Really? Yeah, he comes by. He just goes, all his route is from Chandler to the corner up, all these side creepy houses here, that's what his route is. He'll come by here at 6 and about 642.

And then about 7.15, then about 10 to 8, and then he's... takes a breather and he goes to about 11, 11.30. I'd be getting home from the comedy store and I'd see his red lights by my house. And I go, damn, this guy's a fucking pimp. Yeah, they don't mess around that like they're out tonight and yesterday. They were out tonight.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. Christmas Eve. They're immigrants. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. There's no Christmas. Their family stuck in whatever country they're from. They could do there with them. That's what I saw. Yeah. But did you notice? Every business around here was closed today. Oh, yeah, of course.

Nothing was open. Nothing. Denny's, and I'm not going to Denny's. I know No-Hodin, they're always open. And 7-Eleven was open. That's it. The Denny's literally had a line out of the door. Well, you're on 1130.

You have to fucking church, like a Moog de laur. You got to go at 9 at church on Sunday, because if not, it's a horror show over there. Once church gets out, today was a big church day, brother. You're not eating breakfast in this town. They don't give a Frenchman's fucking. It was a tough day in this town for breakfast. Egg McMuffin was delicious.

Wait until you look at your shit later on. It's green and stuff. The egg ain't even real. I have them. Oh, you'll say it. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. It's a great way to start the week.

I'm happy you people fucking spent it with us the last hour and a half. I know it wasn't a big ho-hum type of fucking energy, but it's just me and Lee on Christmas Eve fucking tone. Oh, Christmas night. Yeah, Chris. Talking bullshit to your people. We're not going to do a podcast the rest of the week. We come back to you motherfuckers January 2nd or 3rd, direct.

We're going to take a week off and hang out and clean the office and come back one night and do some shit in the air. And that's it, man. We just wanted to spend some time with you guys and tell you that we love you. We're not fucking leaving you. We're just taking a few days off. It gives you a chance to listen to all the old podcast and do whatever it is.

you need to do. But I'm going to make your transition fucking smoother, okay? Number one, I want to present to you for Christmas, because I know you guys got some cash. Everybody's trying to change their life. You want to change your life? Go to onit.com right now. Try the alpha brain. Just for starters, 100% money back guarantee. This is part of your resolutions. What are you got to fucking lose? 100% money back guarantee. Go to honor.com right now and press in church and get 10% off, delivered to your house. I can't help you with the clubs and the kettlebells. I can only help you with the supplements. Again, any supplement in there from Shroom Tech to alpha brain to the hem force protein, I stand behind 150 fucking percent.

Go right there, start with the alpha brain. Go to Admond.com. And press. Church. Boom. C-H-U-R-C-H. That's how high I am already tonight. Number two, Leo cop to these people.

I love these people. I don't get them because I don't fucking like cooking. I don't like fucking cooking. I'm through with fucking cooking. I like making sandwiches. I make tuna fish like a motherfucker. I made some nachos the other night because I was desperate. My wife had all the chemicals.

You know what? Maybe one time I'll bring one of the blue aprons over. Okay. Maybe I'll do that. Well, I had like three deliveries, and I liked it. The food is great. I have nothing against the food. It's measured perfectly.

It's exactly what you want and how you want. It's portioned like a fucking normal human being. You understand me? That's what the beauty is. What were your favorite meals, dog? Oh, my God. What were the ones so far that you've gotten? That were good.

I've had so many good ones. I've had a bunch of great burgers. I've had a bunch of great pasta dishes, pasta pomeadoro. This week they have a bunch of great dishes. They have spicy cabbage and jaladas this week. Okay. And that's the crazy cool. You get to learn how to make that,

and they tell you how to dice a potato, how to make garlic paste. They show, they have videos. for you. Because I do all that. I'm the one who Googles and finds it, but they have it right there for you. They have a seared chicken and sauce and sage gravy with carrots and mashed potatoes. You learn how to make, I learned how they taught me how to make mashed potatoes.

Hold on one second. Oh, sorry. This is all for less than $10 per person per meal. Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with proportioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. Choose from a variety of new recipes. each week or let Blue Apron's culinary team surprise you. Recipes are not repeated within a year, so you'll never get bored.

Customize your recipes each week based on your preferences. Blue Apron has several delivery options so you could choose what fits your needs. And there's no weekly commitment so you can only get deliveries when you want them. Each meal will come with a step-by-step, easy to follow recipe card, just what Lee was talking about. And again, they're proportionate ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. All right? You get home from work, you take a shower, and there it is. Blue Aprons fresh, this guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook or they'll make it right.

Check out this week's menu. What is it, Lee? This week's menu is a spicy cabbage enchilada with a yellow tomato sauce. They have a seared chicken and sage gravy with carrots. and mashed potatoes, and they have a Tuscan-style roast pork with kale and salsa verne. All right. Check out this week's menu and get your first free meals, free. I'm talking free with free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash church.

C-H-U-R-C-H. You'll love how good it feels. You'll love how good it tastes. And you'll love how happy you get by creating an incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait. Do yourself a favor, dog. start the year off right. That's blue apron.com

slash church. C-H-U-R-C-H. This is Blue Apron. It's a better way to cook. I also want to introduce these savages to the company. You're going to love them. By now, I don't know if you heard me

talking about the scores of cash you can make by betting my bookie.net. Well, it's bow season. If you have them, check them out. This is the perfect weekend to get into action. You got the independent bow,

the military bow. The Rustle Athletic Bowl, the Citrus Bowl, the Peach Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl. Listen, if you're going to make some money, you got the week off, this is the week to do it right now. You have plenty of times to watch the games and scout the teams. The bowl games are here, so it's time to crush your pits, lay down some money, and score big. Join me and thousands on online players and start betting at mybooky.net. My bookie is an industry-leading online sportsbook. At the end of the year with a bang, my bookie is offering a hundred percent bonus up to $1,000

when you deposit before the end of the year. And its players enjoy the fastest payouts in the business when they win. I would only recommend a service that's good to me and my listeners and to others. That's why I urge you to make your way to mybooky.net. You win, they pay, no hassles. You're wasting your time betting somewhere else. I know a lot of you guys gamble. Here's the one you were waiting for.

Don't sit on the sidelines this ball season. Do me a favor. Join now and my bookie will make, will match, forget about me. Join now and my bookie will match your first deposit with 100% bonus, Lee. You hear me? That's right. So if you join with $100, you'll get a $200 bankroll to play with. Use promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y, to activate the offer,

or visit mybooky.net today or call 844 900 bets. Again, 844 900 bets. Play win, get paid, bitches. Visit my bookie today or call 844 900 bets. Listen, you're going to sit there all week. You might as well make a little scratch with some fucking money. So start betting at mybooky.com. dot net. Again, I want to thank Blue Apron. Again, I want to thank Audit. Again, I want to thank all the

great sponsors we've had this year from Tushies to Miundis to ZipRecruiter. But listen, man, I want to thank you guys the most, the church family. And I want you to sit down and this week, smoke a fucking joint, put on your favorite Deep Purple album, you and Bobby Sharon, and write your goals down, write what you want for the new year. I've been writing them for the last week. what I want to make better, how I'm going to make it better. I got to get my nightlife cooking a little bit. My nightlife is a little fucking boring.

I got to mix it up a little bit. I'm going to have to catch a jih Tzu at night, maybe switch a podcast to a morning. We might have to switch it up here. Something's not working for Uncle Joey, so I got to make it right. But listen, again, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I want to wish you a happy holiday.

I want to wish you a happy New Year, health, happiness, and then the money comes later. Trust me, I'm telling you. Lee, my brother, is so fucking high right now. He can't wait to get off air, or jump off a building or do whatever it is he's going to do.

Again, thank you very much for being my family. Thank you for supporting my special at CISO. Thank you for supporting myself and Lee and for being the best fucking family we've ever had. All right? Have a great fucking rest of the holiday and a happy new year, and we'll catch you guys.

next Monday morning. Thank you for listening. Have a great holiday. Stay safe. Be careful. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart.