The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #443 - Theo Von

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

Theo Von, Comedian whose special "No Offense" is available on Netflix and the co-host of the "Allegedly Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and get a $500 new driver bonus.  Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free. Watch Joey's Special, "Sociably Unacceptable" Now!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/02/2017.
  

Hi. I am too. You couldn't like you. Hi, bro. I didn't puke all of them. Oh, you got to leave at least three more. Get your fucking life in orderly. You fucking muscle hamster.

This show is presented by On It. The Church of What's Happening now is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. The new year means a fresh start for your business, and a great year starts with great, making great hires. Our listeners can pose jobs on ZipRecruiter for Fruiter for Fruiter. free by going to ziprecruiter.com slash church. That's ziprecruiter.com slash church. The show is also brought to you by Lyft. Go to lift. Lift is where drivers can make up to $35 an hour and getting started is just a tap away. Sign up today at lift.com slash Joey. Sign up today to drive for Lyft at lift.com slash Joey. Oh shit. Kick that mule motherfucker. It's all over. It's 2017.

The restraining order's over It's over We're kicking this meal with Theo Vaughn My nephew Lee Syatt And your uncle motherfucker Joey Kick it Lee Blast the fucking speakers I want the speakers

To blow up Lee I want to see somebody's balls blow off their body, bro My dick try to fuck my ass What's happened you bad motherfuckers Happy New Year to you and yours I hope this is a happy year for you I hope you're healthy because if you ain't healthy, you can't get your dick sucked and you cannot make any Guitous. You understand me?

You can't hug your kids. So my number one, one of my favorite people in this fucking city is on the show tonight, Theo Vaughn, my little Jewish nephew, who already started the new year off, puke in the edibles tonight. I don't know what happened. You know what happened. You know what happened. You know what happened. You're away from me for a week and you didn't keep up the training. Okay.

First of all. I don't want to hear a story. I don't hear of story. I know exactly what happened. 10 years you've never puked around me, except that one night on the ass, but then I went deep. I even verped in my own mouth that day.

Wow. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you've verped a little mushroom. You're pissing all single burp. A little bit of belly calm, bro. A little bit of fucking yellow acidic fluid. But we would go in four or five hours that night, I took you to fucking seal training that night.

I had to go on the fucking bobwire and shit. That was something that I felt horrible. about but tonight you didn't even let the medication hitching you're fucking those chocolates la luna is but you told me you bought four of them and took them down the long I did you can see I die video evidence that's why this is why the whole thing of course I did what do you mean eat the whole thing eat off camera do do magician tricks like I didn't I never do it I used not to watch him he would put these at you yeah you got those fingers they move real best magicians

not a big living oh they keep 10% of the Yeah, they invented the fucking magician. Fucking Jews. That's who invented the magician, the Jew with the black top of that and shit. Yeah, they're all magicians out of the womb, bro. Lee, man. Yeah, last time I saw Lee was over here squealing on the pan. Oh, yeah, we were fucked up.

Fucked up. Bro, and the craziest part about that, Joey, was. When I came in, I thought I heard us. I'm like, there's kind of a squealing in the microphone at first, and Lee's like, I'll fix it. And by the end, it was him. It was him. He was like,

look like a fucking disabled gerbil, bro. It was like a fucking, that's how I felt. That was like the deepest I've ever been on mushrooms. Oh, dang, you look like a damn welfare gerbil. He was over here just like. It was chocolate mushrooms that smelled like parmesan cheese. He was eating it and it was foaming out of his mouth. I just put it in my mouth and drank it.

I didn't deal with it. He wants to fucking chew it. He wants to snack at all. He thinks it's anything. They bought Dave. You got to swallow them drugs, dog. You can't be fucking around. That's what I tried to do tonight, and that's why I'm puked up all over the four, because you said you were making fun of me.

You're like, just small that motherfucking thing. And I was like still a whole chunk, and my body just is like, I think my body is starting to fight back because I wasn't getting that fucked up over the weekend. Because you do them every night and you do little amounts. You got to go deep, deep, deep, deep. You got to get into it, 13,800 by yourself. Yeah, you got to get your bowels highly. I ain't 800. 800 don't do nothing for nobody.

That's an appetizer in your world. First of all, no, I was doing over a thousand. No, you weren't. I was too. I know you. You got to get your bowels high, bro. I want to fucking, I want your shit to be scared. That's how high you got to get.

It's so funny. We were having a conversation before the podcast started about, you know, about this is it. Like, I guarantee there's a lot of people today walking around with an ice pack on their head going, what the fuck happened two nights ago? Yeah. Like, I went out to get two drinks and I ended up blowing four guys. My asshole shut. You know, you don't know what realm you get into, you know, and when we spoke today right off the bat, you're like, listen, Doug, I'm trying to keep my life together. I'm a young dude. I'm good looking. I don't want to fade away. So I've been behaving myself. Was your main thing, alcohol, and then you went crazy? Yeah, I mean, well, I just ended up getting key, you know, like I ended up getting in drugs usually sometimes at night. But drugs without the alcohol or alcohol had to soften you up first?

I think I would just, you know, that's a good question, man. Alcohol has never been a thing for me. I never cared about alcohol. I just, once people started having cocaine around, I just kind of like the smell of it, you know what I'm saying? What about meth? Nothing else up your nose? Oh, no, nothing like that, dude. We used to do like back in the day, some dude came through the neighborhood.

I remember with some kind of, I don't know what LSD. suppositories, some kind of suppositories dude, people were doing, yeah, it was like just, you know, putting these like little, they were kind of, I don't want to say pink, they were kind of reddish-looking little fucking throwing rainbow treats up your ass,

you know? It's not manly enough if it's pink? I mean, it was, yeah, and people was doing LSDs these LSD suppositories. This dude had about a, I remember, he probably had about 400 of them. I don't know where he got him from Germany or somewhere, Iceland or somewhere, you know, into us, that was like they got them from Saturn, you know, we never even heard of that. Germany, you know, we'll fucking

do this and people were doing acid you know or whatever it was doing a suppository I remember for a while so I like psychedelics a little bit when I was younger and what else dude and then but out here I don't know what happened I just had a couple of crazy nights and then I was like I'm gonna try something different man so I just decided I'm gonna stop partying so and now I got about six months I've been sober since I'm well last time I walked out of here I went over to the improv and did a set high on mushrooms and they were flicking the lights on stage, bro. I still have it on video, man. I'll put it out.

I'll put it out for your Legion. How old are you now? 36, man. I'm an adult. It's tough to say to yourself, this is it. You know, you have those nights, and like we were saying, you had a spectacular night in my world. Like, where I came from, that's a spectacular night.

Oh, yeah. Getting in a cab, going for blow. Then the guy hooks you up with a chick. You fucked the chick in the cab. No, he did. Oh, he fucked her in the cab. Oh, no, no, this is craziness. Now, what time did this night end?

Dude, so what happened with that night was, let me revamp it for you. So what happened was, I went to a party, bro. I'm not even planning on drinking. Now, you're in New York. I'm in New York City. Yep, I'm in New York City. Yep, I was doing comedy. I had a sublet there.

I was just kind of experienced in the city. We talked once or twice when I was there. You know, and I was enjoying it, man. It was good. And then I went to a party one night, and afterwards, and they were drinking at the party. party and uh and I just felt uncomfortable dude to be honest man most of my life I have felt uncomfortable bro I don't know what it is like in a lot of environments I just feel

uncomfortable out of place out of place yeah yeah yeah yeah you feel that ever oh all the time what do you mean ever there's like there's like there's like there's like that's a weird times but it's like my girlfriend I know we're just talking about it because we stayed in on New Year's Eve yeah but seeing the shots of Times Square and seeing the shots of the clubs. Maybe I should have done something a little bit more social, but that's, that is not,

I would, I would rather, I'd rather be in a box than in a club. Yeah. It seems, that, that would feel so uncomfortable there. Like,

a New Year's Eve, like, club, like, that's not me at all. Well, you don't see, in a club today to show you to pitch,

you don't see people getting fucking molested in the background and people, you know, but at least light a candle or something for you later. Do you do anything? Oh, yeah well we he's gonna Joey's gonna make fun of me we went away the week and before we went to Long Beach as funny as it's home

it took a trip to Long Beach I don't know probably to pick up rent this is amazing this is just amazing So anyway bro I can't even get what it did that was it You took your girl to fucking Long Beach She took me she took me Jesus Christ But then we just decided to come home because it was rain

We Because it was raining Yeah what were gonna sit in someone else's apartment On New Year's Eve down in Long Beach when I have a nicer apartment up here. Bro, what the fuck? It's a horror show. I tried and I keep losing them.

I'm losing them by the month. It sounds like the notebook for two people on Down syndrome. No, no, this was something that when he told me, I go, what? Now, when he told me, I thought they were going to leave Friday night, go to a hotel, like normal Americans, right? Yeah. Wake up in the morning, get a little room service, gives her a stabbing. Yeah. Take a walk down, come back, smoke a joint, eat a stay.

star maybe about six ticket to a nice fucking restaurant six seven o'clock sitting dog so you're out of there by nine 30 you take about to the apartment give us straight up eat three more stars and want some stupid movie i thought that's what he was doing america i got a call from him thursday at lunchtime so yeah yeah we're about to leave i go leave where long beach i almost shot myself in the fucking head i go this kid can't be this stupid and then that night i went at the dinner I had to do a set last week and had two hours to kill I said I told my wife don't even make dinner I'm gonna eat dinner in Hollywood there's no sense of me coming back yeah I did a set for Penn State so I had two hours to kill so I went to

Cheebo that's one of my favorite places is a good place I never even been there I see I don't eat the pizza I don't eat none of that shit I get the salad is delicious the minute with whatever salad and the big mama's spaghetti with no meat, just pasta with sauce and yogurt cheese. And they give you a small serving. It's always been good. I've been eating there for fucking years. Wow.

And that's what I eat. I go there three times a year, though. If I'm lucky, I got three times to drive by. I got an hour here. Yeah, I got no dish. And I plan it. I go, okay, I got an hour and a half. Might as well go to fucking Cheebo.

And I get excited, you know? I sit next to a guy. I go to the bar and I see the bartender. He's an old door guy from the imprint. We start chit-chatting. Two things down for me is a guy from Emerson College. And right away, I got to ask him.

I had to ask him, what do they teach you up there? Because I don't know. I'm not sure anymore. I go, I hired him because I thought he was sharper than I was. But lately, he's been slipping. I don't know what the fuck is going on. And that was Lee? That was Lee. He went to Long Beach Thursday afternoon for New Year's.

Now, I could see, like I said, Friday after all the traffic is that. No, here's the best one. Here's the best one out of all of them. I call him Thursday night, or he calls me. We're talking in the conversation. And then he goes, yeah, we air B and B. I go, you're not even in a fucking hotel with like a fucking elliptical. They can go to the elliptical.

You've been home all week with her, and now you go down there for two more fucking nights with her to do nothing, to look at each other and eat cookies and shit. At a strangest apartment. And watch really bad TV in a strangest apartment. This was something that I was like I don't know What we're here

Like your fucking squatters When he called me Saturday And told me he was coming back I wanted to tell him Just GPS to cart through the ocean To the Santa Monica pier And take the car right off the fucking pier It ended

Because it ain't getting no better in your life He went away to Long Beach And every morning when I woke up Since that Today there was a burglary in Long Beach When the guy shot the burglar He shot the burglar Every day

I woke up up and that morning all I was waiting you were praying for it to me like Lee's no like the sea Lee fucking shot in the head like Lee got hit by a car coming with a box of wings they got poor girlfriend on the thing I don't know what happened they got in stop with a red light the saddest part is is who the fuck goes to Long Beach I don't know okay Lee used to treat himself to a nice night at Chibo at the bar and now a few years later he's finally got a girl that wasn't mean that was he was at Chibo that night and he was thinking about me because the guy was the Memison I had to ask what do they teach you

I don't teach you anything What the fuck do you have to eat that? I'll be honest Okay This was a We couldn't fly anywhere We didn't have enough time So this is what you chose

But we had we actually had a good time The fucking aquarium And Queen Mary are fucking awesome When you're stoned as fuck But this is what I will I did want to talk to you guys about You see what I got to deal with Airbnb

The aquarium is It feels like squat It was the weirdest It was the weirdest Experience of my life You let you touch any animals I get the pet and zoo in there Yeah, well at the aquarium

Yeah But at the I thought I thought you were talking about the apartment for a second Not at the Airbnb dude You fucking Like that's another roommates Like there's roaches in the apartment You massage another roommates No thank God there weren't roommates

This guy Imagine if there was a roommate He takes his lady out No it's a horror show I live I live in a fucking world Between him and my wife I'm not gonna make it to 56

I'm not going to make it the... I just spent four weeks in that house with my wife. Wow. It's a torture chamber. It's a fucking house of horrors. I love it with all my heart. It's a torture chamber. What's the worst part?

Like, what's the worst part? Honestly. It being 9.30... In the morning? At night. And just sitting there and not having a spot because... I don't want to be at the store every night, bro. You know, I don't want to be that guy.

Yeah. need to be at the store every night. There's young guys coming up. I know how I felt when I was coming up. And I had shit to do. And there's some old guy that's coming down. I'm good enough. Two spots a week, I'm good.

This week I'm doing Thursday. Tomorrow and I'll do flappers. If I get out Jiu-Jitsu early Wednesday, I'll pop into someplace. But, you know, I got a gig Friday. I'm fucking good. I'm not working on nothing or nothing. I'm just putting them a couple bits together, finding my new fucking voice, you know?

Yeah. It's like when you travel, it breaks them a knotty up a little bit. Oh, yeah. And I was home for four fucking weeks. And it was the holidays. And one of those weeks, the baby was home all week. That's tough. Babies off of school?

All week. One week vacation. And it rained three of those days. You know what I'm saying? So she wanted to ride the bicycle. That's like a triple threat of, so do parents hate vacation? And the truth doesn't matter is. The truth of the matter is that my, I'm a dud.

I've always been a dud. You know, Lee says that he feels uncomfortable out. I'll tell you where I feel comfortable. I feel comfortable in a bar where the bartenders, a good-looking woman in 1924. Yeah. She still has tits. She wears push-up bras.

She's got freckles on her tits. She's got a sense of humor. The bar seats 20. She serves some fucking food in there. that's kick ass, there's a jukebox, there's music. You know what, at this age, I don't want a fucking pool table. Yeah. And I don't want a dart board.

I don't want a lot of movement. I never like movement. Yeah. Sit down, have a fucking be and talk to me if you want to do this. If you're going to be moving around, go somewhere else. Yeah. Pool and arguments and I can't walk. This guy's throwing a fucking dart at me.

You know, I just want to be, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's what I want to do. That's my ideal ball. And to be strictly honest with you, since the age of 16, that was always my, ideal bar once we started going out to those discos I've said it once I've said it before my wife asked me on the right home the other day from dinner we're listening to the studio 54 on uh serious ex-semp and she goes so you used to go disco dancing I go are you crazy I was a kid when that shit came out yeah I go when I was in high school I could put a handful of times I went

to clubs with the studio but I went to studio in 84 there was nothing going on in the studio no more was a Thursday night 84 I was going to Club area like twice. I went to like the rooftop four, five, six. But I was never a club guy, bro. Look at me. I knew who the fuck I was. I belonged to the neighborhood bar with a bartender named Lila.

Yeah. She had a dog behind the bar. The dog slept the whole fucking time. And that's the bar I grew up in Joe Marys. They had a little circular biscuit thing, like a bakery thing in the middle. And they would have a cover. And in the middle, there was ham and cheese sandwiches. That's beautiful.

So if you want a sandwich, you just went over and got it. They had Stewart's sandwiches. And next to it was a not, don't cook tonight called Chicken Delight. It was a Chick-a-fil-A. This is when chicken was chicken. And one of the kids we hung with was the fucking cook. So at the end of the shift, he'd come over to the bar with a box of chicken from the left-old chicken. It was a fucking night.

And you had a tab. And the guy that ran the place was a lone shark. If you fucking needed to buy an eight ball, you could borrow $300. you from on the spot. I still owe $8,000 from 1980 fucking two. You know, I never, I never. The first time I went to Vegas dog, I knew it wasn't for me. Yeah.

I just always felt very insecure in those places. Always. Still do. Yeah, that's how I felt, man. And I always had an excuse of my head on why I felt insecure. When I was younger, it was that I wasn't good looking enough and I'm a criminal. These people are all nice people. he's in the environment I want to hang with

and these people don't want to hang with me yeah and when I got to a certain age it was I was too old and then now I'm like I just feel like I'm playing out fucking pervert yeah like I remember being 25 and seeing like 50 year old guys thinking why is this fucking guy here

this dude is a perfect Lee is a sweetheart I've seen Lee at a bar no I can tell he's a gentleman Lee wants to go to a bar and watch a football game and have a bucket of wings and he wants to yell maybe a little little bit. He doesn't want nobody close to him yelling. He doesn't want nobody.

Leo paid $3 extra just to, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's in the white section. Lee wouldn't do good in Studio 54. What's he going to do? Have one drink. People are going to talk to him. I never like going to a place where the music was loud. That's where you lose Uncle Joey. Yeah. If I can't talk to you, the way we're talking now, I don't want to be in this dog. I'm lost. Yeah, see, that's the same as for me, man. But I would, for some reason, I kept making excuses that made me like, less than, you know, so like, oh, it's my fault that I don't fit in here. Instead of just being like, oh, this isn't my environment, you know. Now, why didn't you feel it was your, you're an environment?

I just felt like you said. Do you feel older? No, I felt like, you know, like these people were rich, or these people were better than me, or these people, you know, I'm, you know, I'm kind of a, a bit of a miscreant, you know, I grew up on the other side of the tracks in these people. But they don't know it. Like, that's the thing I always thought, because my whole thing. comes from like I've always been chubby and short short you're like a tall in shape good looking

dude I'd look at you and I think there's nothing wrong in his life at all like there's no way he's self-conscious about anything well that's what's wrong man I look at you and I think this guy's fucking what environment got it all what environment do you feel comfortable in just a more real environment a more just calm uh just a 10 people 50 people 100 people yeah as long yeah I can feel okay in 10, 50. When it gets to be a little more than that, sometimes it's just too much. But when the music's loud and I can't communicate with people, then that's where I start to

feel in common. That's my end. That's my fun. But I kept going back. I kept thinking it was something wrong with me that the environment was okay. But it wasn't, man. And that's what happened that night. I went to this club. And they had a party for my friend's fashion line. And then I got in this taxi after this

girl gets in with me. I left early because I was going to be on Opie and Jim Norton. This one, Opie and Jim were still together. And This beautiful girl gets in the taxi with me, this Asian girl. And she just started talking about the night. She said that she had fun at the party, but that her boyfriend wasn't in town. Then she goes, her boyfriend's never in town. Then she's like, what happens in taxis stays in taxis, right?

That's what she said. So I'm thinking, fuck yeah, you know, like she wants me to make a move on her. So I make a move, shut me down. And I don't know if that's what made me feel weird after that or whatever, but the taxi dropped her off after that. And then it was just me and the driver, bro. And this dude spoke another language, you know, something fucking fancy, you know, something that could play soccer, you know, like this dude. Like this dude was betting on fucking foreign soccer games on his phone for sure, you know?

And I thought he said drugs, dude, and I just said cocaine. That's what I said. And next, you know, we're in North Harlem. He bought some cocaine for us. He comes back in the car. We're doing cocaine. And then he's like, I got a gift for you. I got a gift, you know.

And I thought it was going to be, you know, I grew up in like a troubled area. I thought it was going to be his dick, you know. Like, you know, that's what I was expected anyway. And then a hook, a prostitute knocks on the door, you know. This lady gets in. And I think it was a man, honestly, in hindsight. She had these big sunglasses on, kind of a man's face that was under the sunglasses. You have cocktails in you at this point?

Yeah, had a couple tequila's, dude. And so now we're partying, bro. me and me and the driver were first partying for about an hour dude i got so high i remember thinking where is the driver that's how fucking i was and he was sitting next to me doing cocaine yeah at what point does this become not a taxicab ride like when does the meter get turned off like oh the meter's going bro the meter's at about 270 bro no so he's got to fucking be positive because i'm paying for this experience bro so then dude This hooker gets in.

She had kind of long hair. Huge sunglasses covered about 60% of her face. And the 40% of her face you could see to me look like a man's face, right? Like I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. I'm just, like, if I were on a game show and it was like guess 40% of this person's face, I would have guessed man first, right? You know what I'm saying? Like, look like a man's face, you know?

Or it looked like a woman had just shaved recently. That's what it looked like, you know? So anyway, we're all getting a hot together, and the hooker starts making advances towards me. He brothers sounds ridiculous now. And I got out of the car, man. I felt uncomfortable, dude. You understand.

In my world, I'm thinking, you're a Louisiana boy in fucking Harlem. No shit do you feel out of place. I feel out of place there, but no. I always felt comfortable in North Harlem. Yeah. Right. That's, I know that name.

but where you're at you know what i'm saying you're not in the bronx yet right you're not in the yeah i don't know where we're at oh yeah it doesn't matter you was it dark it was a dark dark that's all that matters yeah you only having a good time if you got the dark neighbor one part of the night i was raising one i know when i'm back you know i know when i'm back now what time is all this going down it's about 3 30 all right so what's so you walk out of the cab where are you now you getting another cab no i'm in the street luigi comes out after me that's the dude I was partying with the driver. And dude, you know what's crazy is?

He had even, one of the lights in the taxi wouldn't go off, and he made like this little paper machet thing and put it over the light, bro. Like, this dude was, I mean, I don't think he was homosexual, but this dude was about the most romantic fucking cab driver I've ever spent time with, dude. And dude, it was more romantic in that taxi than it was it your fucking

Airbnb, bro. That's the saddest part. So, dude, I get out. He comes out after me. He made me give him 100 bucks, right? and I gave him the hundred because I was a little scared at this point and I'm thinking he's going to pay the hooker and she'll go but then I look back over there a couple minutes later a minute later

and they're kissing on each other's necks he's spending my hundred with this hooker dude he fucking just got this hundred out of me right wait so your taxi driver bullied you into buying him a hooker no he owed him money anyway but right away he took the money Luigi took the money and said hold on five minutes let me go get $20 worth off this hooker. He took that money and re-invested it in the neighborhood. You know what I'm saying? And look, I respect hookers, man.

Like, you know, I've been through some tough nights, man. Not in fucking North Harlem. Still, man. I don't give a fuck what you know. Well, here's, I respect women that are out there if they got to be out there selling their bodies. I don't have nothing against that. I know you don't.

But in North Harlem, you ain't getting into nothing good. You understand me? You keep saying North Harlem. Are there? Harlem. I don't know. The East Harlem is, listen, all I know is, it was North. I used to go to Harlem to buy Coke.

And I'd see you. women out there and dog let me tell you something it's an illusion yeah it's an illusion first all four out of ten of them got bigger dicks than you oh damn four four out of those chicks we don't like those odds in those days it was you got to remember up in Harlem in those days the bronx it was open fucking corral and then the 90s the russians came oh yeah and i never saw it but i had friends tell me you go to queens and they'd be six Six-foot Russian blondes with leopard miniskirts that you'd give them 300 just to eat their assholes. They were that hot.

Wow. It's hot banging. Banging. Banging. Like they took over so all the ones, the crack holes disappeared. Yeah. All that, you know, but in those days, even when I was, when I got in trouble with my buddy, you know, Dodger and we were going over there, those hookers. Yeah.

Those city rat hooks in those days, you had a, that takes a certain nerve. Yeah, a lot of them work at the papas during the daytime. No, they don't work. They're at the clinic. They're getting blood transfusions. We used to have this lady, Victoria, Miss Victoria in our neighborhood, bro. You could pull up, bro. You could eat her ass for like 40 bucks, right?

She'd sit in your car window, dude. Just basically put her ass in your fucking car window like a fucking to-go box, you know? If you had somebody driving, you could even have them drive the block. And she would just sit in there like a little side item, bro. But so this dude, Luigi, I give him the 100. He gets back in the car. they're making out. I'm kind of pissed, dude,

but I don't want to bring that negative energy back in into the car. Right? So I deal with my feelings out in the street for a minute and kind of process through that. Why don't you want to bring negative feelings back into the car? Just because I'm already really extremely high. Man, I'm under the influence of cocaine. It's almost 4 a.m.

And I don't know these people that well. And I still need to get home. And for some reason at this point, I feel like Luigi is responsible to get me home, right? So I get back in the front seat, right? And they're hooking up in the back, a little blowjob. Like, it's getting wild, you know. And I want to still do cocaine, you know.

But I don't want to interrupt them, dude. So I remember trying to quietly do cocaine in the front seat. Just like, like the softest little inhale you could do. Were you watching them at any point? Yes, I was definitely listening hard. Did you stink? I mean, no, I remember. It's like cologne. All you smell is like Kelowna.

Like when you walk in the middle of them, all you smells like fucking heavy-duty perfume. Yeah, I'm trying to remember. She smelled like violence to me in tattoos. She was a tough lady or man. I mean, I thought she was a man. The face looked like a man's face to me, but she had big sunglasses on. She could have been one of those taller Vietnamese people that kind of look black at night, you know? So we're in there, and now I'm in the car.

I'm trying to quietly do cocaine, dude, like, just like a fucking, just like a, like just doing it, like an installments. Like, I had a bump on layaway. Why didn't you know. They're back there fucking. Why can you just? Because there's something wrong with me where I sacrifice other people. Like, I just feel like I got to be considered at all times. I don't want to interrupt them, dude.

I guess. I don't know, man. I was fucked up, bro. So they're partying. At one point, I remember even turning my head back and just. dumping cocaine quietly into the top of my nose, just like this.

Just like, just as quiet as I could be. And a cop goes by, dude. Cop goes by. I get scared. I tell Luigi, I'm scared, bro. He don't give a fuck, dude. This is when I realized,

like, he didn't care about me as much as I cared about him, I guess. And he's like, you drive. You drive. And that's when I got in the driver's seat. And I drove, man. I drove us. I drove us about a mile and a half.

Dude, I don't even know where I was, dude. and then I pulled over because a voice in my head, bro, first a voice in my head is like, dude, at least you're, it was like, you're out here, bro, you're high, you know, you're doing cocaine,

but at least you're making money, you know? Like I was working, like I was the cab driver. And that's like, dude, my brain's fucked up. Like, this ain't my cab. You know, I've got to pay for this. And then my brain was like, you don't have a commercial driver's license. And that's what got me to pull over, dude.

That technicabre. that if a cop stopped me, that I wouldn't have one. And I pulled over. I got another taxi. Got back to my hotel room. Finished doing my cocaine. And I had to be on Opium Jim Norton that morning. And it's 5.30 now, dude, I took three showers, bro, in 10 minutes.

Right? I have one question. Yeah. Did you pay Luigi or did you just kind of get out and just get into another camp? We ended up in a little bit of argument at the end. I left $100 on the car seat and yelled, Adios, had him really loud. I don't even know if he spoke Spanish, dude.

I'm just screaming audios in him in this fucking hooker who had the smallest tits I've ever seen, bro. It looked like a man's chest. But then I go to Opian Gym, dude, and the other guest for the day is Daryl Strawberry. And I could not even feel my face, dude. I couldn't even think. And that's when I was like, this is a bad look, you know?

I couldn't even talk. They were asking me questions, dude. I'm just, I couldn't even, like, I couldn't feel my face. I could, all my thoughts was coming out of my neck. Like I was running on neck thoughts, dude. I'm fucking thinking with my neck, bro. So I fucking sat there for three hours, bro. Just roasting.

Now I know how you feel kind of late. I just sat there just, just boiling in my own. fucking drug-induced bullshit. And then I fucking left, bro. And I'm halfway there, halfway on the walk over there, I realized I had on fucking sweatpants with jeans over them, bro.

Horrible. That's like a catheter outfit. Like, if you may be getting a catheter and you might have to stay overnight. Feel while I'm sitting here because I'm like, you know, People like Lee, he's a sweetheart, I wish to God Lee never does a drug.

He would never do a drug. But for some people, some experiences like that experience. Yeah. To wake up on opi, because you basically woke up on opi and Jimmy and you're coming down off the juice. You're not paranoid, but you can't talk either. You're in that stage.

Yeah. You're in that stage of fucking... why the fuck am I even here? It's horrible. I'm sitting here going, I remember doing that 10,000 times. Not, you know, being in a cab with a hooker, but when you said Harlem,

when I was growing up, I had a friend, and he had a girlfriend. He was about seven years old. He's dead now. God rest of his soul. But he had a girlfriend dog who was fucking banging. Wow.

And I saw her naked once. When I was like 18, that shit stayed with me. That was jerk off material for like six months. I go ahead, I disappear, I do my thing. I go to Colorado, I do a little time. I'm back in Jersey in 90-fucking three. And I reconnect with a friend of mine, and he goes, what are he doing tonight?

He goes, let's go out. Meet me at Teaneck at this, I forget the name of the place. It's a popular place for that age group. You know, and I went there, I met him about seven. Teaneck? Yeah, Teneck, Teneck. Teneck. Teneck.

It's a artist cafe. Something like that. Something like very chic, so a lot of kids from my neighbor thought, you know, as they got older, they went there for a few drinks. I was at this time, I'm 31 years old. I'm doing comedy. I'm doing comedy already. I'm not getting nowhere with it. You know what I'm saying?

I'm not knocking on no doors and shit, but I'm doing fucking comedy. And I hook up with them, and at the time, I'm a fucking fiend, you know. It's 35 a gram on 100. 78th Street. 25 if you want to clean. You know what I'm saying? I go and they get three right off the bat jack. Bam! This shit was glass.

That is on aluminum foil. And they give you a blast when you walked in. That's beautiful. They sat you down. They go, what do you want to do? And you go, I don't know, let me taste the 35. And what do you want to do? You want to taste the 25? And you go there and then they walk you out to the door and you'd walk back to your car and the cops were paid for and you put your back out on not Amsterdam.

But one of those streets under the bridge. Yeah. And then rule number one, you took the Lincoln Tunnel back. Go into, get a fucking hot dog, roll a joint. These idiots that would get back on the George Watson Bridge, they had spotters. Right. They'd just seen you go over. They'd pull you over, and now they confiscate your fucking car.

You have to give it to them because if not, they're going to bring the dog, and they're going to get you anyway. Right. So don't fuck with them. You know what I'm saying? It was hardcore. Damn. So I went over there first.

That was my automatic first stop of the night. And I had it down to a science in those days. Sometimes I'd walk over and take the bus back. Same difference. What were you going to say? You'd be high on that bus, though, huh? No, I wouldn't do. Oh, yeah.

Wait until you get home. No, I'd do that little blast that he'd give me. And by the time I got to the bus, I'd be coming down, like, a little bit. But how, the thing was saying that he felt uncomfortable there his first time. Do you remember how you felt the first couple times you went there before it became old hat? Like, were you freaked out? Was it already at that point? Since my mom had a dry cleaner in the Bronx.

Probably in your system. Yes. And my mom had a bar in Union City, and my mom had a bar in Harlem at a young age. It's in my system. I had a friend of mine take me over once to the city, and when I got back in the car, he goes, it's amazing how you blended right in.

He goes, you knew the walk. I knew those first 10 years of my life. I lived in New York City. Those first seven years of my life in this country, Yeah, I lived in New York City. I went to school in the heart of New York City. Yeah. I went to school on 89th Street PS166 from K1 to fucking third grade. Then I went to Catholic school in Jersey, but all that time I got the patois of the city. Yeah. My mom's action was on 125th. My Santa Ria action was on 148. I knew the fucking city. You understand me? Then I got older. I knew George Washington Bridge. I knew the fucking streets. My stepdad shot a dude on 148 street. I knew the fucking street. I knew the stepdad shot a dude on 148 street. right there at the Santa Ria party. I knew the escape route.

I knew the way to drop the gun on Riverside Drive. I knew that situation. So I get the Coke. I go back to Jersey. I meet them. And in those days, dog, I'm not a big drinker. But I'm the type of guy, see, I'll call you up and go, what are you doing tonight, Theo?

Now, let's go get a drink. Now, the way that you go, Joey, I got an audition tomorrow, dog. Don't even start your shit tonight. Theo, come on, bro. I wouldn't invite you for a drink. I got a joint. my pocket. We go, we have one drink, we have two drinks, we have three drinks. Austin, that chick you used to fuck shows up. And with her friend that

sucked my dick in the bathroom that time at El Campadre, right? It's 9.30, it's early. Theo, let's get a taste. No, bro, I got that big audition on ABC. Fuck it, give Theo 10 more minutes. I'll get the chick to buy him another fucking double kamikaze. Then he'll be begging me for a blast. And that's, right there, that would break me down. Yeah. I went out with the intention.

And you know, I got a good, like, I'm pretty good one. I tell you, listen, we got to do shit tomorrow. I'm pretty good about it. Towards the end, I wasn't good at all. I would snort an hour before a fucking audition. Damn. I got thrown out of an audition on Fox. One time.

Towards the end, towards 2006, dog, after the longest ride, I got a little fucking weird. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one day, I get this audition directly from Fox. Like, they're like, we want you to read for this role. Yeah. You know, it's been done before.

The crazy roommate owes the bookie money. Right. You know, his mom supports him. He can't get a job. Hasn't in shame. And they were looking for Artie Lang. Yeah. All right.

And I'll never forget, my fucking coked up, ready to quit mine. And I said, you know what, they're looking for this guy. I might as well go in there like this guy. So I did something. I never did a day before. I stopped shaving. Oh, I thought you glued hair to your face. No, what do you think?

I'm fucking half a fucking mook. Oh, no, dude. We used to glue hair to our face to make beards, pubic hair, too, during Halloween. Stop. Some of it was gray, you know. It did. I didn't put gel in my hair. I just put water in my hair.

And I fucking went in there like, like, um, like, two hours after doing coke. And I went in front of the camera. It was the casting director of me and a camera, bro. And after the first reach, she goes, stop. She goes, I think you better go home. We're going to make believe this never happened. Really?

Yeah. She knew you were high? Yeah. How did she know? She must have been graammed up occasionally. Yeah, yeah, I could tell. But it was very disrespectful. She never said a word.

Wow. She never called the agent at the time and said, Hey, this kid was fucked up. I hit on an Asian lady recently. It was cast and a casting director, and she told her manager on me. Really? Yeah, get back home, and he's like, she said you did a pretty good job, but she said he was hitting on her the whole time.

Which casting agent? I don't even remember. It's beautiful, though, too. Down on the south side? On the west side? No, this was in, out here in Burbank somewhere. Okay. There used to be an Asian girl in an office here that was something out of a fucking movie.

Yeah. She used to cast on the west side. Her and her partner used to have a cat. And the partner was no fucking slouch either. I walked in there when I was like, Jesus of fucking Christ, what's going on with these cast directors? Yeah.

I don't know where she is now, but it's probably the same one. This girl was stunning. I didn't mean to hit on. I was just being a natural man, you know? Like, I can't help it. Like, oh, what's offensive? And I wouldn't say in anything like, you know,

touching my crotch or anything like that. You know, I was probably just saying, know you look nice today or something like that you know like i can't help it if i got a little fervor in my voice for a woman you know that like that's a sin out here these days you know oh you want to bust a nut on a lady you're a fucking you know you're a you're a dion you know you're you're charles manson if you want to do that you know charles manson studied scientologist he's still studied scientologist how crazy is that shit he's a little pussy dude i beat that dude's ass i swear to god you let that dude out for one minute in a fucking used car lot i'll beat that

motherfucking dudes ass, bro. Why do you hate Charles Manson so much? Because he's a pussy, dude. He made other people. He made hot chicks go out and kill people. I mean, it's kind of romantic and shit, but at the same time, he's a pussy.

Let me tell you something. As a child, I read that book, and that book fucked me up. Did it really? I was about 13. After I got left back, it really fucked with me because that wasn't left back material.

I had just gotten caught up in some fucking fantasy world. Yeah. but that teacher, Mr. Kingwell, who was a fucking prick. He left you back? Yeah, he left me back. No, I left myself back. I had summer school, but I went to summer school, I did the same fucking,

if you have three misses in summer school, you're done. You're done. I fucking miss three of classes over this chick, because that's the only time I get together with it. You missed the first three? You missed the first three? I was in love, dog. I didn't give a fucking.

That young love will get you. And I thought that my dog was going to just say pass him to the eighth grade. Nah, they held me back. It was fucking brutal. It fucked with me. It fucked with everything I had. So Mr. Kingwall is part of every month you had to do a book report for him. The only problem was it was an oral book report.

So he would take the book and dissect it. At that time, man, I was so pissed off at myself. He was still my English teacher. Even though I got put in Mr. Barone's class, who Mr. Barone, I took him to the premiere. of the grudge match wow that's how tired i am with barone that's beautiful no no no barone was tight but here was the beauty of it me and baron hailed each other in the seventh grade like he kept telling me in the hallways you better not get a lot of bad because you're gonna get me next year

it's gonna be all over and so that fucking uh last day of school if you have to go to the eighth grade you go to the eighth grade you have to go to summer school they just put you in the other seventh grade class so the whole fucking eight hours barone kept busting my balls it's gonna be fun you're sitting here all next year i'm gonna fail you again you're gonna be in the seventh grade to your 90 because you're gonna be driving the other kids to school and he would torment me so he tormented me dog for like four or five hours and on the way out of the classroom i saw his keys run the desk and i took his fucking car keys and i walked home and i threw him in the fucking weed somewhere some shit what a dick and about an hour later he pulls up my house and he pulls up my house

house with a cab where's my fucking keys wow and we didn't talk again and the next day i got i got left back and i was in this classroom where he never mentioned it ever again that's pretty cool of him and after about two months we became tight because i realized he was a good basketball player and shit so how don't fuck why don't we end up talking about this shit we had this dude mr larry we had his black kid in our school mr larry he got held back so long they just made him a janitor one time school he was there probably i remember him being like he could piss his trick was he coming while you were peeing at the urinal he'd piss over you in a urinal and uh and finally he was in fifth grade for so long they just made him with janitor i mean he's probably still if that school's still open he's probably

still there you imagine only been in the fifth grade they pull your sileson we've been talking the staff has been talking it's not going to work out for you but lucky for you we have an opening in the janitorial services department What does that mean? Listen, we'll give you a dollar for every dollar. We'll match it so you can join the army when you're 30. I just love that. That probably means you at least 16 or something,

so that was what, like seven times going through the fifth grade. Let me tell you something. When I was a kid, if you were stupid, really handsome, too. Listen, when I was a kid, if you were stupid, they pulled you aside when you were 16. Yeah. The teachers at school pulled you aside.

Listen, you're wasting your time in here. When you get to high school, just sign out, get a job as a mechanic. I swear to God Teachers were honest in the 70s Well that's a better way Now that they want everybody to push forward Did I remember the first Wigger went to our school

I told you guys that before The first Wigger this kid Brian St. Pierre went to our school And he They'd never seen it before You know And they thought he was mentally handicapped They put him in

They made him meet the third lunch You know the third lunch A special lunch where those kids are in there You know they make some of their own food And they eat it You know to make them have a talent And uh And he was in there, dude, this wicker.

So you'd have, like, you know, you have, like, kids who really had mental illnesses and, you know, everything, all the DS and everything. And then you'd have fucking Brian St. Pierre wearing a Charlotte Hornets pullover, dribbling an invisible basketball all day, bro. Just posting up mental kids in the lunch line, bro. They'd never seen it. They thought he was mentally handicapped just because he wanted to, you know,

play with the brothers. Just different times. They had him cook lunch every day. still look you didn't say anything once a week they'd have them make some of their own recipes for lunch you know it's kind of it's cool i mean we had a good we had a good group of handicapped kids at our school i remember i'm fucked up dog those stars hit me hard tonight that's what happens you know why they hit me hard because i trained last week i didn't eat stars last week least sprayed out of his face out of the gate boy i didn't i didn't see i didn't

still i'm still here bro you kept eating stars and shit fucking around i had transmission you took that you know you then you what you threw a chowel away oh jesus this is why i have to do everything on Periscope. Thank God for Periscope. Lee's fearless, man. I don't see how you do it, Lee. I really don't. He's really not the choice anymore.

He does like a little bit. He goes like this in front of the camera. He goes, I'm going to eat some chocolate. He takes a bit like there. He chewsing this 80 milligram, whatever he throws this away. And he tells people he ate it. And today he ate the whole thing. And it was coming to his fucking fingers.

You should have seen him. He was gilling out, huh? You know, when you were telling your story, bro, the thing that, I was thinking about the most were the 200 of those stories that I had that I wish I had the time. I wish I had the fucking time to and I got 10 that rolled around in my head sometimes

and one of them would pop up in the middle of the night before I'm about to fall asleep and my whole body shatters, bro. Those are those type of stories especially when it comes to drugs. Yeah. Especially when it comes to fucking drugs. And the next morning you wake up and you're like, that's fucked up. I got to get my life together.

I got to call somebody and shit. But, you know, 10 days later, it happens again. And, you know, and sometimes it's sex. Sometimes it's crazy sex. You go to a girl's house, and her sister and her stepfather in the room and everybody's banging. And you're like, what the fuck am I a part of? You know, I just want to watch the fucking Nick Gang. Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is that a real scenario? Lee, you would be fucking surprised what you bump into when you're out there. Yeah. Especially when I started to do comedy, you'd be surprised what I'd bump into. And I had you one night talking. I remember my body was shaking. Yeah. My body was shaking telling Lee you.

Just tribal tours, just Boulder, just, you know. I thought life was a certain way when I lived in New Jersey. Oh, yeah, I remember. Boy, was I fucking. I remember trying to fuck this girl on roller skates one time. You ever try to do that, dude? No. At Halloween.

Unbelievable, bro. But that was drug-induced. I remember... Never been arrested? Dude, I got arrested in Mississippi one time. We're all high at some house. And they brought a kid. The cops show up and they brought a kid from downstairs, right?

And they said, this kid is here. Everybody's going in for contributing delinquency of a minor. And then you could... But once you got to... outside, kids were paying and getting out of the thing. They put us in the let, like the slave shackles, you know, the things they put between two legs, you know, and then hook you to the person in front of you.

What was in that shit, dude? And they would have walked downstairs. So, who's the dumbest thing ever, bro? It must have taken us 40 minutes to get downstairs in these fucking leg shackles with these two stupid cops. But they brought this kid down, and then later there was a rumor that they

were, this was this kid, this was a stage kid. They were high, they had paying somebody's kid to fucking they would sneak him in the back and put them in people's houses and come down in pajamas and then making money because they're busting everybody in the house because now they've got to charge on everybody contributing

what else did I go in before? Nothing real serious man God bless you man listen but that was the thing I just wanted to get I just yeah part of me was like You got a fucking career you're on the upswing right now

you know what you fucked around you got your dick sucked. I'm not telling you to go get married, but it's time to start watching your back because this is when you're a good-looking guy. Shows are getting developed and written. You could be the number two dude. Pick up a check five years, no drama.

You know, you already did it. Yeah, I've had so much fun, bro. You know, once you get everything out of the way, this place becomes a complete different animal. Yeah. You know, and listen, Lindsay Lohan survived it. the fucking Hilton kid survived that some people don't yeah some people don't man I told you when I walked in here

I'm not I'm happy about the podcast I'm happy I get to see Lee and we get high and we talk shit and he makes a living and I make a living and we sell tickets and you know guys like you come on here and people get to hear you I like doing stand-up I don't think I could do this shit if I was doing blow Yeah. There's no fucking way. This podcast would have been done.

And would have fell apart. Lee would have been to, Lee wouldn't even have been talking to me no more at this point. Lee would have gone, he left me there four fucking days in a row, you know, who's going to come out of the house? Yeah.

Yeah, and that was the thing. I was just like, I just don't, I need to take a, if this is where I'm kind of ending up once in a while, even once in a while,

I just want to get it. So nothing happened after the cab ride after that. That shook you enough. Oh, well, seeing Daryl's what shook me. the next day because he was 13 years sober and he was like uh i mean this dude was eloquent he had his life put together he's a multi-millionaire now and then he was pushing the the documentary 30 for 30 the new one with dot gooden but doc gooden wouldn't show up couldn't show up because he's all fucked up yeah he's all

fucked up and i know my life isn't their lives but it made me think okay you just got to monitor what's going on because i just like yeah i don't like to i didn't like to party i just like to put I put myself in a crazy situation. Fuck, yeah, me too. You know? That's what I was thinking about the whole time you're saying that. I go, I don't miss the drugs.

I missed the six o'clock on a diner or waking up and some girl gives you an outy to drive home. You're like, what the fuck just happened last night? Yeah, dude, I was in Louisville one time I came out of a show. They had a big group in a limousine. They invited me to go to an after party with them, right? I was like, I'm only coming if my boy can come in.

Like, who's your boy? And I'm like, Le Cedric. They had a brother nearby. by, right, wearing this Louis Vuitton jacket, dude. Probably about 60% homeless, right? And they're like, that's your boy? And I didn't even talk to this, dude. Right? I was like, yeah, that's my boy. And like, all right, he can come.

So I fucking walk over to him looking right in the eyes. And I was like, what's up, Madame Tio? He's like, Le Cedric. And I was like, all right, dude, I told these people you're my friend. You ever been in a limousine? He's like, no. I was like, all right, come get in with us. Just act like you're my friend, right? We're going to a party. He's like, all right, man. So we go in the limo, bro. We're in there.

Hot chicks, dudes. People fucking... L. Cedric kept saying, we're friends. That's what he kept saying out loud. Right? Not the best actor, bro. When did we get to this house party? It's a nice, cool fucking party, bro.

I'm downstairs. I'm in the kitchen. Somebody's making us a drink. I'm talking to somebody. Fucking six minutes later, right here. Somebody scream. I hear a window break, right? somebody comes running down they said

some dude just stole like four purses out of the coat room upstairs and fucking jumped out of a window that would have been me Doug and that was fucking Lesedric bro and that was like but and everybody there was like crying and pissed

and some girl was like furious because all her tampons were in there or something I remember she got pissed she was a tough girl She was like one of those, what are those people that slide the thing on the ice, she said? Curlers? Curlers? Yeah, she was a curler. And I was, in my head, I was like, this is the best fucking night ever.

No, that's. So just shit like that where I just love to put life just in precarious situations, man. But you black out of that, man. You're never going to get invited to another house party ever. Oh, I blacked out one time here in Hollywood, and that scared me. I woke up in my own bed, had no clue I got there. I'd wet the bed. I mean, I wet the bed all I was about 30 anyway.

Did you two? My until I was like a teenager. Oh, that's nothing, bro. And, uh, and that was a pretty crazy night. Hold on one second. You wet the bed, see you were 13? I don't know. Probably around there, I would guess, yeah.

I gotta watch you like, oh, damn. Those people always are sinister. Yeah, yeah, too. It might have been a little bit, like, maybe not 13, but close, maybe 10 at least. Well, 10 ain't far from 13 if you're talking at least. Probably fucking...

No, but yeah, I had a huge issue with it. It was terrible. Dude, I used to have those buzzer underwear, bro. They put these underwear on you, and when the urine would hit them, a buzzer would go off, right? Oh, my God. I'm not joking. Look them up online. This ain't no joke, bro. So I went to my grandparents. My mother didn't tell them that I had these, right? I'm really hoping

these are a real thing. And not just like a torture device your parents put on you. Not at all. This doctor gave him to us, dude. This dude was a bona fide. This dude was a bona fide doctor. So we went there, I got the electric pants on, dude. You know? Wait, wait, what did I like Google? I'm getting my rest. Probably, you know, buzzer underwear for urinators.

Oh, Google buzzer underwear for urinators. And so then, but they didn't tell my grandfather, right? So he fucking had a small house, bro, a little bitty house. So my fucking crotch is just butt, like he wakes up in the middle of the night, dude. You're on fire? I'm not on fire, but I'm buzzing hard, bro. Because I'd had apple juice, man, and I piss big on apple juice, dude. I fucking spray out on the AJ.

So I'm in there just buzzing, dude. And I didn't know. And he came in. They still got him? Yeah. Get me a pet. He didn't know. That's what I want.

Get me a pet. He didn't know what was going on. Oh, my God. I'm, that's what... He comes in, he's scared, bro. How loud is it? How loud is this? In a little bitty house, you could hear from down the hall.

I just want to wake my wife up in the middle of my, like twice a week. I would just do two drops and you, and it goes off. And so my grandfather's in there, right? And he's all scared and shit. Oh, they sort of been terrible when I was a kid. And he's pushing me with a broomstick. Dude, he thought I was dead. Dude, he didn't know what had happened.

And we thought I was possessed or dead. He's pushing me with a broomstick. to wake me up and he was worried because he had one of those hard makers and he was worried he would get electrocuted. He thought something was happening. He thought the house had short-circuited or the phone company had fucked up. That's what he thought the phone company had fucked

up. So he thinks I'm fucking just laying there buzzing like as a fucking miscreant. But he died, man. My grandfather ended up doing. He died. I love people. I love laughing. I love laughing and shit like this.

You can't write this shit. I forgot about that. I did it, man. This has been the bad, man. I appreciate you to have me on because I've been, I was sick the past two days, man. What was wrong with you? Oh, man, I had adult diarrhea, bro, to be honest.

It happens. Those fucking flights. You're eating fucking Katrina leftovers. Oh, yeah. I still got some guys got it in stock. Oh, they're serving fucking crippled pig pussy down there, bro, and I was eating it by a handful. Man, fucking around down there, Jack.

Oh, my God. I'm high on those stars because, like I said, I ate fucking transmission fluid and a couple of these moon things. The night that killed the cookies was the another I ate the transmission fluid and the moon thing. And I was home all night with my wife.

Oh, my God, I fucking killed those cookies. I want some cookies, man. Dude, I ate half of a pot cookie one time. I never had one. There's a couple years ago. I invited this casting director, right? Out to a comedy show. So she comes, but the comedy show was the next night.

I had the nights wrong. So I felt bad, and she was cute. I was like, well, at least I'll get her dinner because she came all this way. I didn't want to be like a, you know, just like you said like a mook, you know. So buy this lady dinner. We're sitting there eating dinner. She gave me a pot cookie. And I got high, man.

I never had one. And I didn't know how we knew each other. And it was like a nice restaurant. And I started thinking that this was like my girlfriend, you know? I was like, fuck, dude. I'm the worst. And I tried to make a move on her, but I was like, cab stand dude and she's like what the fuck are you doing you know and uh she wasn't my girlfriend man

and uh anyway that was it that was it dude but uh yeah yeah stuff's dangerously i think it's what i'm getting at here i thought it was a buzzer like a like a vibrating no it's like a it makes it sound i still can't get over you got the car drove an hour and a half to go to an apartment. Dude, yeah, Airbnb is not for anyone. When you told me that way, I was like, I can't, this is a horror show.

So what happened? What are you mad at Airbnb for? Yeah, you should host a romantic getaway. I'm not mad at Airbnb. It's just, it's a weird, it was just weird. It was just this person's apartment. And, like, her stuff was there.

And it was just her bed. Like, I was like, we should bring sheets. I was just, it was just not. You brought your own sheets? I wanted to, but we didn't. She's like, no, this is what they do. They make money doing this. This is all they have at the, it's an industry.

I don't know. It's an industry. Yeah, I don't like, I like hotels. So from now, I just said from now on we'll do hotels. Yeah, man, splurge, man. Throw the extra $9 out there and get a fucking hotel room. He's young. He knows all the sites.

No, I've been to hotels. He knows enough of a minglinglinger. He'll get 90% off fucking hotel. Because, you should be up. Him, Dean, Delray. They know how to get a hotel room. I don't know. I don't know.

People try to be like, I don't know. It's cool. It's like you get to be as part of the community. It was right on the beach, which was nice. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. But, like, it was cool, but I'd still rather be in a hotel on the freeway. It's just, I don't know.

Like, even though I know more people probably are on those sheets, to be honest. The sheets made you nervous? Yeah. I do. And you're cooking in the silverware and shit. No, I didn't cook. I didn't cook with none of their silverware. But ever since I've been with him, I just get unlucky.

I've never had skin issues and now I get styes. If I look at a hot tub. So it's good. Trust me. And by the day I got to call his ears swollen. Dude, that's why I sleep on my stomach. I was trying to. You sleep on your stomach?

I do. Like a fucking dead animal? Yeah. Like an armadilla? Yeah. or on my side. Mostly I either my stomach or my

size. Jesus Christ. Do your arms touch the ground? Yeah, of course. How do you even do that, bro?

You have no idea, though, guys. Who sleeps on their stomach? Face down? No, yeah. Oh, face to the side.

I have pillows, yeah. Oh, face to the side. Jesus Christ, I thought he slept face down. You have, like, a massage table in my bedroom.

I don't know, bro. No, but. I just trying to Dude, you're a fucking unreal Lee. I figure what we were talking about. They should have dolls.

They should have to lease I had dolls, bro. They're indestructible, dude. It was just Airbnb, it was not, I would, it's a hotel. It was just, I get it in, like, places where you want to rent a cabin or something like that. Was it a spare bedroom or it was a personal apartment? We had a full apartment. It was her personal bedroom, though. Yes.

Okay. See, that's disgusting. Yeah. Oh, that people bang in my bed and come on my headboard and shit. People spraying out. Oh, yeah, we disrespected. We went to, we, we, we disrespected that bed. Let me tell you something.

You just come on the headboard and rub it in like fucking lemon. What's that joy? What's that shit? You polish woodwork? Yeah. Palmolum. Old English. They come back.

They got to sleep with that old DNA. A Diaz lurking over your head and shit. Yeah. Old English. That's a liquor. That's a malt liquor. That's why we left. It was going to rain.

There was going to be fireworks. So we were going to stay if there was going to be fireworks. But then it was raining. And it was just like this person's, it was like her college apartment, kind of. It was like everything that was like someone else went to IKEA. And they stayed out of the dorm at fucking, pretty much. Cal State Long Beach. It was not good.

It was not good. But my, my girlfriend is young. And but she means she, no, she, the activities were great and she just hasn't making a lot of money yet. Did she have a good time? Oh yeah, we had a good time. The activities are great. Dude, dude. She had a good time, Lee.

That's what counts. Oh, yeah, of course. And we had a great time. We have a great time together. That's love. I'm, I'm the old, uh, weird one who just wants to be in hotels. But, um. Now, do you try to act not older on your girlfriend if she's younger?

That's one thing I've noticed. Well, I'm not that much. I'm like two years older. Oh, that's not bad. That's not weird. That's not bad. But people should go to museum stoned more. It's fun.

It's like, have you been to the Queen Mary? No, I've been to the other place, the museum down there, the fucking zoo landio. The aquarium? The water, yeah, it's cool down there. Yeah, the aquarium was fun as fuck too. Yeah. It's a nice time. It's beautiful down there.

It really is. They did Long Beach. You know what I'm saying? It's just not a vacation resort. And we had the best Mexican food have had in California. The first thing I said to you in that afternoon, I go, make sure you get the Mexican food, but don't get a fucking chain. Oh, boy, Simon Rex is going down there with him a couple days. You know him, Simon Rex?

Dirt nasty? No, no, no. Oh, you got to meet him. He's great, bro. So funny. No, it's, uh... It's great to fucking get sober, man. Yeah, it's cleared my head up a little.

Listen, man, I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you. And the quicker you catch yourself, the better off he is, you know? Yeah. And it might take you a year to get sober. But it's so good when you do it. Do you feel better? Five more. What's the difference right now that you feel?

Yeah, I mean, I feel like... No refurn, no sleeping pills. No, no, nothing. Just straight up water. Maybe. Sometimes I'll hit up a Cialis 5 milligram, you know, if I'm trying to party a little, you know? If I'm trying to treat a lady to an evening or something. But, you know, I'll drop $9 on that.

I got a dude that, you know. I mean, when does that start happening? What? The Seattle's 5 milligram? Oh, I throw it at just because, look, dude, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, I can be Michael Jordan, but if I could have Scotty Pippen next to me, but I'll do it, you know? Like, there's no point not having him in the ring with you, you know? You know, you don't show you, you know, you got to bring a knife to a bun fight.

You know what I'm saying? I was so peters fight to eat one of those things. Oh, you got to throw it. Dude, I'll take you. I'll put one of those in my butt, dude. They go quick to you cocked in, dude. What is this fucking... In the last week, we've had somebody who put...

What did she put in her asshole? Ecstasy? Oh, yeah, boofing. These kids are boofing when they blow cocaine in each other's butts. What? I read about that. That's a Colorado thing. What do they do?

They put cocaine in the end of a straw, and then they put the other end to somebody's butt. Then they blow it in there. It's called boofing. I did that 25 fucking years ago. I invented that with a dollar bill. You boof with a dollar bill. You get the hepatitis C attached to the dollar bill and shit.

If I don't have hepatitis C, I ain't got nothing. You know what I'm saying? Amen, bro. From all those fucking dollar bills and snorting that shit, hysterical. Oh my God. What the fuck? So yeah, I hit a sabbatical, man, but I hit a sabbatical.

So that's where I'm at, you know. But it's chill. I just feel what I feel I feel, because I just got a lot of my plate right now. And at least each time I can show up for it, you know? It's like every day I know I can do. with what's going, what's required of me, you know? Because my mind already tries to beat me up a lot. My mind, you know, first thing out of the game, my mind is like, you fag, you know, you

nega. Sometimes my mind calls me a mega, even, you know? Like, Jesus Christ, like, it's my own brain using the N-word, you know? And it's just like, that stuff's just channelizing, you know, sometimes. So at least I know each day when I'm sober, it's like, or if I haven't been drinking a party and then I'm able to get up and, like, battle my own demons and go at the day, head on, you know? And I still, I got enough war stories, and now I'm able to think out my war stories a little

bit better, because sometimes I was too busy making new stories to even think about the old ones. So now I'm able to look through the old ones and be like, oh, this could be a good story. And I can share those stories, so I feel like my stand-up has gotten better, you know? I'll put it together a new hour in the past year. You're ready, you're shooting another special? I'm ready, man. You feel good about it? Oh, I feel good, dude.

Where would you shoot this time? This time I would do Chicago, or I would do here in a special. LA, I think because I got enough friends that understand me. You know? And it might be delusional. Otherwise, I would do Dallas. Dallas, for I love those people. They're fucking everything, dude.

What are you working in Dallas? The improv? Yeah, I worked the improv. But I worked the one out in, uh... Arlington. Yeah. Addison. Addison.

Yeah. I worked Addison. That was on my favorite clubs. It is a great club, isn't it? One of my favorite. But the hotel used to be 50 yards away. Now they switched that I heard. The one I stayed at was really.

close. You could walk through? I could walk. How many minutes? Literally not even joking. Two and a half minutes. Maybe less. Then they put you back at that hotel.

They said they took you out of this. I was like, nah. Oh, they did take you out for a little while. The first time I went to have me stay at some other place down the street. I got to drive down there. Some shit. Fuck that.

Yeah, I don't do that. I don't do that shit, man. But yeah, man, I had some other crazy, I remember one night, body slamming a bunch of hookers dressed up like a fucking. and Gangus Khan doing the Korean hookers and, uh... One of the last times I saw you, you had gone out one night, you went to the apartment, and you were gacked up,

and you called the chick, and they sent you the wrong chick. Oh, yeah, some lady had a, uh, a, uh, was it a, uh, oh, some lady with a mole, had a big mole, and I sat up with my buddies with dermatologist. I don't even know how to answer that. Yeah, but, you know, Hookers and stuff were never really my deal. My deal was just I would just want to party and create stories, you know?

Like I never got into the really that. I mean, that guy brought the hooker under the taxi, you know? That's Luigi's deal. That's his life. It was nice of him because I think he was trying to be a friend to me, but, you know, I didn't want, I didn't need that. You know, I was just looking at party. It's really weird.

When you live a certain lifestyle, you come to a point one night when you go, you know, what I can't do this no more because eventually something bad is going to happen. Luigi could have stabbed me. Yeah. The hooker could have slipped my throat while I was putting my neck back to put coke in my nose.

A fucking thousand things could go wrong. You know, from experience, man, now if I could do it again, I always minded my business. Listen, I went into those neighborhoods late at night. I think about it in my fucking skin, like just

wants to shake like a spirit touch me. It's the weirdest thing. Like, I remember being at a bar in, like, Fort Lee, New Jersey and knowing that the place is going to close at three. We've got to make it over that three in the morning. But when you get to that place, the place is closed. So now you've got to get to the Bronx. Are you fucking kidding me?

Now you've got to cross a bridge on another bridge where coke in your fucking car. They're confiscating that car, and you're doing seven-and-a-half years somewhere. Yeah. And you're still doing it. Yeah. And you're still going to that bad neighborhood.

And that's all you need is for a cop to see a hooker walk towards your car and her talking to you, you're getting pulled over. Yeah. It's that easy. They see a woman 18 inches from your car. You get him fucking pulled over. Unless you miss Victoria, dude, who just drop her ass into your passenger. See, dude, that lady would have hang out the side of your car. I mean, that was, I mean, that's basically the, what's that food?

place where you go and they run out to your car and set the thing on the tray on the side? Sonic. Sonic. I was basically the Sonic. Oh, or is that lady? Well, Tony, better than a Monday, the first Monday of the new year. Look at you and shit. Amen, man.

Good to be here, man. Good to have you. Happy New Year. Ha! Happy New Year. Happy New Year. When somebody breaks your heart, some somebody.

Twice as smart. Yeah. Victoria, I wonder what she's up to now. Who's Victoria? The hooker. That lady would drop her ass in your car for 16, 18 bucks probably. I stopped my old neighborhood the other day, actually.

Who'll leave you to learn? Tell you about that next time. That misery loves company. Wait and see I mean How are you feeling? How are you feeling? I'm feeling

so the star stayed in you The chocolate came out Yeah, I also ate the first half of the chocolate bar So it was like Something Some parts of something Stated and made it

Whatever's in there's working on. Unreal It's on fucking periscope That's the fucking craziest thing You got the whole thing? You know, you always do great. I thought to yourself, oh, he bought four bars.

He trained last week like a soldier. But as it was happening, I go, I should have known. I should have known. I had that feel like Ronda Rousey when she was standing next to the referee. I should have known. This was a hoax. Listen, I mean, no disrespect. I know a lot of great people who make a lot of great edibles.

Chocolate doesn't really ever sit well in my stomach. It's weird. I'm a chubby dude who just chocolate is not in it for me. You ain't no chocolate guy. I'm going to remember that. No, sir. How many weeks a month do you travel now? Probably 20 weeks.

I do like 20 weeks on the road, and I spend time with my family, too. I do three weeks at home during a year. And then I'm doing enough work in town where it's good to be home, you know? Like I can make, you know, I can make decent money just even staying in the city. You go out every night during the week? Five nights a week, I'll say I get up. Damn. Actually, I'll probably get up six, dude.

Honestly, I try to take one off, though, just to make sure that I'm able to know what I'm doing when I get to the club, you know? If I'm in training, I want to be out six nights a week. I get six sets. If I'm fucking around, I like to do four. Yeah. I'll go out one night and bang two.

Just so I'm out three nights, and I could stay Friday night and my family, leave it open. Oh, you mean on the road? Yeah, I have to go out twice a month, man. Yeah, twice a month. That's what I like to do. Twice a month is the most I could do. Six nights.

Let's do this shit. Do this shit. Do this shit. Oh, shit. Lee, sciatico, look at you. With a new shirt on. What'd you do with the old shirt? It's not bad.

It's in the truck of my car. I just didn't want to wear a stinky shirt. But, oh, my God. That was fucking. and you just eat them like they're nothing, which is the weirdest part to me. There's no... There's no fucking state of mind, like...

There's no state of mind, but things have taste. It's chocolate. It's chocolate. I don't taste nothing. I was thinking about it the other day. Mushrooms have shit on them. And he's just all they eat them. Oh, yeah, they do.

The ones I give you, I clean off of you. You don't clean nothing off. Come on, man. I personally clean the fucking mushrooms off of you. Why would I lie? Before you came in, I was telling Lee that, you know what, man, I really like the holidays. But those five days afterward, just really rough on me, man. Yeah. I just want New Year's to fucking come and go.

I had a nice time, New Year's. I'm happy Joe had me open from Dunn at the Orphine, Tony Hinchcliffe, nice fucking people. Wow. We did the show and got the fuck out of there. Nobody hung out, nothing. But, you know, I was home by a quarter to 12. That's beautiful. Bam, nobody got their feelings or my wife was out, you know, but that's it.

I'm not doing it no more. I've done enough of them, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. 25 years, I've done probably fucking 20 years of New Year's. That's it, man. I bombed hard on fucking New Year's guys. New Year's is hard. New Year's is hard.

I bombed fucking hard. One of the hardest bombs in my life was Miami Improv, where I was fucking kicking ass as a feature act. Yeah. New Year's like 99. Oh, did I eat a bag of shit in front of Angels a salad. Oh, really? Oh, boy. I saw him at a diner in New York not long ago.

How bad does he look? Dude, I swear to God, Joy, I'm walking with Sarah Tiana. You know her. Yeah. And there's a guy sitting in a diner by himself. It's 2.30 in the morning. We've been at the comedy clubs and stuff. We're going to eat.

And I'd never met Angel in my life. I'd only heard stories about him, right? I'd seen a couple pictures. And I was like, I think that's Angel Salazar. He's drinking a glass of wine in a shitty diner. We go in, dude, and it was him. And we sat there and talked to him for a while. He tried to fuck Sarah a little bit, which I respected.

Yeah, yeah. And then that was it. What's your name? Yeah. You want to go to the love with me. It was cool to see him, man, because I only heard stories. He works in percentages. He's an interesting.

fucking fellow. You know what, man? He gave me a lot of encouragement early on. You know, I can't lie, he's a good dude in that way. When I got to meet him, it was, I appreciate that what he had done. I just,

that was a little too fast for me. He was rocking him rolling jack. Yeah, he parties to party hard. He goes hard. And I was going hard at the time. I was going, wow. This guy goes fucking hard. Like I'll We get the El Paso. We get the Opaso. It was Tuesday through Saturday night. Let me tell you something. As soon as I got down there, there was somebody waiting for me with a chunk that just got over a border and somebody's shoe.

That first night, Lee, I get... It's not like a size 10, huh? I get fucking lit up. This shit was fucking tremendous, you know? And from there on, every night, there was somebody at the club who had something. It's El Paso, bro. When he would come to town, the phone into condo would start ringing the night before. Wow. People, is Angel there yet? People wanted to take him out. That Scarface thing, when he's 80 in a funeral, in an old man's home, every day somebody will be taking him out, taking pictures of him. Check it out.

Buying him lunch, bringing him clothes. It's amazing. People fell in love with that character hard. It just goes to show you. He still sells tickets. he's not selling out right but he still sells tickets he's not fucking michael jackson right but he still sells a hundred tickets to show doesn't matter he takes pictures people go there look at them it's 30 fucking years later that was 30 goddamn years ago right that's amazing 83 well yeah 83 90 boom boom yeah

he was born 94 right 88 88 94 who gives a frenchman fuck you know what saying only Yeah, fucking Lee, bro. Unbelievable. I'm just happy to see you alive every time I come back in here, man, and always boost my spirits to know you're still going, you know? We ain't going nowhere. I know. We ain't going to go anywhere.

We're going to go to nowhere. We're going to be indestructible. Kick him out the car and make them walk home and stuff. Me, the hook girl. His name is Luigi in a car. We need to scare Lee a little bit at night. We've never really had fun. Yeah, we need to get you out in one of the neighborhoods

one night, do get you in a little clan outfit? Sure. Take him out of one of the next one. That's going to go up a brain right now. Oh, my God. I'm joking, bro. I don't know if you, I don't think you'd make a good clansman league. No, I wouldn't.

Yeah, I don't think you would. He's Jewish. Yeah, you could, you could cross over, though. Because you have to be Christian first to be a clansman. You probably do. I think it's like kind of, you just can't be. You can't be. Jewish.

They'll be like, hey, what are you talking about? What do you want to do this year, man? This year, man, I want to get this other special. I got my new album that's going to come out soon. We just locked it actually about three days ago. Called 30 pound bag of hamster bones. And so I'm excited about that. And what else, man?

We got a couple of great shows that we're pitching. So I'm excited about that. I wouldn't mind meeting a girl maybe falling in love, you know, or at least being an honorable boyfriend. You know, I don't know if I've ever been that in my life, dude. You know, I was out there, you know, licking pussy after dark, you know, out there in the streets and just, you know, just tasting the flavors of the universe, you know. Now that you quit drinking, it's a different game out there, huh? It's not that easy to lower them back. Oh, no, girls want you more now.

Do they? Oh, I think in a heartbeat, yeah. I've had more offers these days for, like, I've just. head more office, I think just because I'm... Because you look like you do. Because I'm clear ahead. If I go sober, it's not like people are going to be like, oh, Lee, I want to suck your dick. No.

They might, Lee. I don't think so. You know, bro, they might. Look, I didn't think, you know, I've never thought I was very handsome, Lee, if that makes you feel any better. You're stunning, sir. No, it's nice you to say. But yeah, I think so those are some of my work dreams, you know? Outside of that, I want to be a better brother.

I want to be a, I want to have a little bit more relationship with a God, you know, a higher power. Yeah, those are things that I want to do, man. And I want to help other people somehow. I just want to do something, even if it's little, you know, answer the phone when somebody calls if I know they need help. Not that I would, even if it's some Muppet, you know, that I normally wouldn't fucking answer, you know. You're 36. This is about the time that you've got to sit there and go, Jesus Christ, what's next now? I did this, I did this, I did this, I did this.

Yeah. What the fuck does it go? Where does it end up? Do I join the Beatles? Yeah. You know, this is a, I moved here, you know, like a 30-something, and it was rough. I don't know for sure. And I'm like, if I fail at this, I don't have a lot of options.

I could sell over the phone. I could sell cars and shit. I don't think I could sell things over the phone for 20 fucking years, though. So I got to make this comedy shit work one way or another. Like, that's how I know. This was it, man. Wow. That's brave, bro.

That's brave. I had done everything else. Yeah. Come on. Who the fuck are you kidding? Not every opportunity in the world told me how to be a brick mason, a roofer. Oh, yeah. I could have been a thousand things.

An electrician. Oh, fuck. I could have been a fucking, those people would lay pipe for the fucking pipes. Yeah. The irritation. Oh, irrigation. Irrigation. some guy fucking when I was 19 said listen man work the summer if you like it invest a little bit

if you like it you fucking stay around we raise your salary if you like it you buy in he goes I'm partners with these two guys we make a little fuck we cut it up every month it's not a lot but at least you make some money you know it wasn't a bad deal though I got great I had great opportunities when I was a young man yeah fucking great opportunities that I They would come to me and go listen, man, just stick around. You're a sharp guy. Stick around. Stick around.

I want to run this place tomorrow. Yeah. You can't be like that. You can't. And because of stupid shit, I lost great jobs, you know. But I'm happy I did because I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't found what I really wanted to do. Do you know what I'm saying?

Oh, 100%, man. It's kind of awkward while you're going through it. I know a lot of people right now that are listening to this are going through that. They're going through stuff. transition from one situation to another. Yeah. It seems like you just have to keep fucking pushing. Yeah, because your life or your higher power has a plan for you, bro.

Even if you, and I'm not trying to sound like some Christian weirdo or anything like that. I'm just saying that life has a plan for you and you just got to fucking, you know, if you're out there getting your ass eating through a car window or whatever you doing, just know that that's not, that doesn't define you. And that's just a little speed bump, you know, that's just a little. that's a little ingredient in your recipe man because dude I used to bury

your guy's shit in my neighborhood for free when I was growing up you know and he died you know I live such a fucking the other part of this holiday

I didn't like that it was I had a great Christmas Eve Christmas Eve Christmas Eve was fucking phenomenal the family and we had a great Christmas too that was all cool it was like

Tuesday and Wednesday it got real. Like, what the fuck do you do all day? Damn, you had a tough,

you had a tough time after that Christmas. My back's what? My wife's back was hurt. Oh. I was at the park with the baby

to be honest you were riding a little bike with him and stuff like that, you know? She got a bike for, so I was a fucking blast. But,

you know, after that, I was like, what do you do? You wait till 1045 to go to the store? Yeah. You're like fucking dying.

I want shit to happen. You're like, come on, baby, let's shoot something. Yeah, life slows down. Life slows down, man.

For me, fuck, I ain't getting no younger dog. Yeah. You don't need it? Like, you don't feel like

you need like a three, four days to do nothing? He'd probably do. See, that's what I'm wondering, too. How do you not feel like that,

man? That's how I would feel a lot. That's how I feel sometimes. I'm happy to have that downtime. I had downtime. I had downtime. Wow.

In my world, that was downtime. Yeah. Those couple days over Christmas, that's downtown. You're too much of it. You're recharging. In the back of my mind, I want to be writing. I couldn't really write. Everybody was around me.

You know, it was kind of distracting over the holiday. It was just... Yeah. It's a bit much sometimes, bro. I did write the fucking book, though. I did write the book every day, whether it was a sentence, a paragraph. have a new chapter. I cut something in.

I did do that, which was interesting. That's good. But the problem is when you go on the road, I lose that because the computer I have on the road just sucks fucking dick. It's a surface. And my wife is going to get me another one. I don't know what the fuck happened.

I got to ask what the fuck happened. Yeah. I really, you know, what I only focus on that stuff when I'm home. And I only focus when it's early in the morning. Yeah. I really like to lock myself in. I take two heads of the pipe.

And I watch that shit. That's good. That's when your brain is nice. Did you get to watch the Ronda Rousey fight? And loose. No, honestly, bro, I don't like watching women fight, bro. I watch a lot of women's street fight when I was growing up. What?

A lot of, yeah, these chicks were always fucking fighting around us. So some of it I don't like. I do respect it. I think these women are tough and talented, you know, unbelievable. Did you watch it, like? Yes, sir. What did you think? I thought, well, personally, and I've said this before, then I thought, just unsure that, like, they want, I was like, why are they making Wanda the favorite?

She's been gone for a year, and so the girl has been crazy good for a while. And my dad was saying today that usually, she usually attacks and just gets people down in 12 seconds. they're done and she didn't seem like she had the same urgency this time. That's what he said. And he's a very amateur fan. And to me, I don't even know about that. It just seemed like, I don't know if she has to be there for a contract or, like, it didn't even look like a fight was put up to me. I thought it was very sad.

Yeah, I watched it. I watched the replay. Like I said yesterday, I said, you know, right before it started, I went to the bathroom. As I was piss and I said, you know what? Roder's going to win this fight. Let her win. Let her retire, prevent her frustrations on the media and how she felt and how she was treated.

Tell a few people to go fuck themselves. You never see Rhonda Rousey again unless she's a spokesperson for Fox Sports or something. Yeah. You know what? Nunes will fight somebody for the interim belt and she'll get the championship back. nobody's feelings got hurt here

this could be this couldn't end the better way I come back I sit on I put my feet up and they're off and I see what happened a part of me was so fucking sad a part of me was so fucking sad because a part of me thought that she'd never recover from that

if it took her that long say what you want about Connor McGregor he got choked out and a week later he was out They're talking shit. That was the difference between Ronda and Kud. So you think the difference is because... That was the big difference, okay?

You can't sit in your house. We all lose. I understand you worked hard. I work hard. You work hard. Lee works hard. We all fucking work hard, bro. To do anything in this business.

Yeah. To make a dent in this business, you have to work hard to excel in your field, whatever field that you do. You have to put that extra fucking hour in that nobody knows about. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You get to work like,

but you want that fucking IT job or whatever job you want. You got to put an extra two, three hours under the Sunday. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's what life is all about. Even if you do it at home, you wake up two hours earlier.

We all fucking do that shit. What are we talking about? Rousey. Rousey. But, you know, now she's saying, you know, they made a statement, and dog, nobody was sadder than I was. It's not like I bet her or nothing.

I just, there was no reason to. You know, I was very entertained with Dominic Cruz and the other guy, if I was going to bet anything, that fight I was just going to sit back and watch. And while it was going down, man, I thought about everything. And I'm like, you know, again, I saw hitting pads with the guy. I saw her doing nothing different. Yeah.

I didn't see nobody different sparring with a, I didn't see no kickboxer. in there spying with her. I just saw a hitting pads. And it all came to me and I felt sad. And I feel sad that she lost. I can't imagine how bad she feels, you know? Yeah.

To lose two in a row and like that on national. This one here, I think a lot of people feel the way I did. She wasn't even in the game. Yeah. It seemed like at first when she got hit, it came to her that she was in the fucking octagon. that's what it seemed like to me and she was all gone from there

like Rogan said she threw a couple kicks which is something out of her repertoire and the move she does so greatly it was greatly it was gracefully the chick escape from it and returned the punch in there so

yeah I think maybe you could be rightly that it was just a contractual thing you know I have no idea and I have no interaction with this guy but why do you guys think she sticks with a certain coach who from whenever you hear is... Maybe they love her.

No one likes it. No, well, she's dating someone else who she brought to that coach. I mean, who knows? I don't know. I don't know enough about it. Well, you know, man, sometimes loyalty is

loyalty even if sometimes if it's blinded. If that's what it is with him and her, God bless her. At least she's loyal to someone. You know what I'm saying? A lot of the tapes are being released from the fight and stuff. People have said something. Listen, I'm not an expert in boxing or MMA that talk about who's a good coach or who's not a good fucking coach.

I don't know anything about that shit. All you know is the results in the octagon or in the ring. You know, I know Freddie Roach is good because the Filipino guy, Pachiao has been championed for 2,000 years. Yeah. I know whoever trains Floyd Mayweather must be good because whoever trains him, I know the guys down Winkle John down there, down in New Mexico, they're good.

They got John Jones, they got B.J. Penn. They got Carlos Conduit, and the list goes on and on and on. I know a lot of camps that are fucking great. That don't mean the people are going to be great there. Why Rhonda, after she got knocked out by Holly Holm, why didn't she go start a new? I don't know I mean she's been busy

She's been she's done a bunch of advertising I mean who knows It's a good question man I don't know enough about it I gotta fucking piss so bad man So go go fucking pee I gotta do some shout out Real quick

Again this show It's been sent it For my favorite motherfuckers in the world On it Let me tell you something about on it I've been back on the Shroom tech sport again I gotta tell you people

Something unbelievable again I tried to order of the hemp force protein today. They didn't have it. So instead, I got some alpha brain. And I got one of the clubbats. That's how I'm rolling for 2017. I suggest you do the same alpha brain.

Start with alpha brain because the money back guarantee, right? And they don't even want the product back. You think you're not sharp enough for 2017? It starts at alpha brain, bitch. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. and get 10% off your first order.

Onet.com. Again, the code is Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. I want to thank my main man, Rari Oliva, for the badass Bruce Lee book. He brought me a fucking diva, an old G-Cundo book.

You know, I love you. Jack Wilkin, Cap Un4-3, Talking Lear, Nick Ferrarra, Ray Majuski, Darren Carter, with his fucking push-ups. Uki Spooky over the holidays looking good

CJ Blake and Rachel A. Little over there getting more married down there motherfucking Houston. Close that door for your uncle Joey, though. What's the matter? Yeah, I got to slip, Jay. What's that?

I don't know what the fuck I want to do in 2017. I just want to fucking live Lee Syed. I want to do a podcast a couple days a week with my main man. I want to be a better dad, and I'm going to try to be a better husband. And that's all you can fucking be, you know what I'm saying? I know I don't want to travel anymore as much as I'm doing. I got some cities that I got to go out of respect, you know.

So I got to pick my fucking cities next year and make them my decisions, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Now I think it's, look, man, I mean, I just love watching your work, man. So I'm happy you are doing it. I'm happy that when we spoke on the phone today, you told me about your decision. I'm kind of, listen, I'm happy when anybody gets sober. I got to tell you something.

Even if you were my enemy and you came to me when they got sober, I've been sober eight years, I got the utmost respect for you because I know where you've been. Yeah. Listen, man, you want me to look you in the eye and tell you being sober is fun? Sorry. I will never fucking tell you that.

Yeah, man. I've had moments of clarity because after I quit the Coke, I went on like a 30 day, like a 40-something day, no reefer thing, where I just ate pot cookies from the pharmacy. And I didn't smoke. And I remember how different everything felt. And I wasn't doing Coke for a while. It's different when you have control of your life totally. Yeah.

See, you could always turn down the bread off the fucking cheeseburger. Yeah. You could always go to the fucking gym. You could always, you know, not drinking drive and shit like that. But something I always gave into was those fucking drugs, man. Yeah. You know, my life had total control except those drugs. But those drugs ruin everything you're doing.

Yeah. Just like Lee and I spoke about. All the alcohol, all the heroin, all the pills, you think you're making it happen. I thought I was making it happen. And believe it enough, I was booking big time. movies up when my comedy was eating shit yeah if you think my comedy is shit now you should have seen it 10 years ago because there was no emotional connection with cocaine and drinking yeah there's no emotional connection you just up there like a parrot just fucking talking stupidity yeah

once that whole booze whenever i see a young comic on stage or booze it does something to me Yeah. Because in all my 25 years, you know, how many times I brought booze up to the stage? Maybe three times. Yeah. I never thought it looked good. I always thought you'd give me, like, the wrong impression. I don't know why.

And I have friends that do it. I've never said nothing. It's all my fucking business. What people do? In my mind, I just never liked it. I don't know why. Yeah. I mean, I think I could see that.

A lot of comics like it because the bar owners, you saw more booze of the comics drinking. Oh, I didn't really. is that? Sure, the comic's drinking. Yeah, it makes sense. He's up there doing shots. People are going to start sending him shots,

and who's not going to do a shot? Let me do a shot with you after. Let's do another fucking shot next to you know. You're fucking puking on the stage and you're Burt naked on Joe Rogan's podcast, weighing into it. He lost by two pounds? He lost by two pounds, but they're both under obese.

So I think Ari has to pay now. Who? Ari has to pay. Oh, who won? Well, Seguer was two-night. today and Bert was 221. Wow. But they both have to be under 227.

So then if they're both under 227, then Ari has to pay. Wow. What was the price? No price, just. They were both trying to get under obese. And then there's no price. What does Ariya to pay? They're going on a trip or to an event.

Nice. It's a good deal. I gotta take a trip, man I gotta slip out of here, Joe. Where you go? I gotta go home. We actually gotta put an episode of my own podcast up.

So I gotta go work with my editor. Listen, man, I'm happy you drop by and open up the fucking year with us, my friend. Dude, I wouldn't have any other way, no, man, I'm fucking happy that you can't come by and so there's a fire out there and shit. Fucking burn it down, bro. What a fucking night tonight, my friend.

That's what's up, dude. Listen, I couldn't wait to get out of the house and do a fucking podcast. Amen. I did one last night with those guys. It went well. I knew until night we'd go well with you. Whatever's burning down.

It's fucking close. Let it burn, baby. Trump, baby. Let it burn, dude. Don't say that. Sorry, just let it burn, dude. Don't say that. We're trapped in here with no bicycles.

We're trapped in here with no fucking bicycles. I got no bicycle in here. Look at them. We got a chair to barricade ourselves with no oxygen. We'll be dead within two fucking men. Manistay Bazooka this place. Hilarious. All right, my brother.

Where are you headed this weekend? This weekend I'm in town. I'm in Virginia Beach in a couple of weeks. At the Funny Bone, the last weekend, January 26 through the January 24th through the 28th. Are you writing your sobriety down? Are you writing about your sobriety at all? I mean, right now I'm just staying. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking about on stage. putting on a notebook about you. What are you feeling? What the fuck is different? Why would I go back to drinking or hang out with characters like Joe Dias at 2 a.m? No, right now I'm working a man. I had, like, I mean, I didn't have a dad growing up, so I still have a lot of, like, emotional issues and stuff from growing up.

So some of that stuff I've got to deal with. So, I mean, I'm always doing my comedy. I mean, my comedies, I love my comedy. I'm happy to have it. I feel blessed to have this skill and ability. But at the same time, like, I'm dealing with other personal stuff first, you know, because that's what I got to get right. But at the same time, my comedies is, I feel like better than ever.

So, you know, it's all simultaneous. As long as I care about myself to keep working at stuff, then everything else will work itself out. I respect that, man. You know, I love you. Either whatever you want to do, if you want to do bongous, if you want to do heroin, I love you either way. If you want to stay clean, I love you.

What can I tell you? I just want you to be happy and get the best, you know, like we talked about before this show, listen. If you know anything about me, bro, I can't drive a BMW. Yeah. I know where the fuck I am, you know? Yeah. For me, living here now and having a great time, like I said, 20 years later,

I've seen so many people that had more opportunity to me vanish. Yeah. Manish. Sometimes I look them up on Facebooks. I see them in real estate now or something like that, but they vanish from this. Yeah. You know what? wasn't really a dream for me. This was more

like a, let's see what could happen. Yeah. In two years, if I book a extra row, I'll be happy with that. Can you imagine all I want to do was being extra? I never thought Mitzie was going to make me a regular on this shit like that. Yeah. Just to be

in this situation, to wake up and to be with Lee. I'm telling you, man, I'm fucking ecstatic. Yeah. The other type of comedy is too much fucking pressure. If you look at it now, the outside there's a level of comedy you can live your life and do great margaret chow's been doing it for years yeah she's just been sliding through

everybody else is doing this and doing that margaret chel still selling out improvs on the weekend bro yeah who the fuck are you kidding she's been doing this for 30 years if i've been doing this for 25 she's been doing this for 30 years you just fucking take a three months off and reinvent yourself write a special do this do that you know And you're good. You're young, man. You got the world by the ball. Oh, I've already lived out.

I mean, I've already, all my dreams, I feel like I've already had almost in a lot of ways. So I feel like I'm fucking just playing around and over it, you know, like I far exceed my expectations. How many years you've been here so far? I've been doing comedy 13 years. How many years you've been in Los Angeles? 13, 12. That fuck it deal, Ron. You know what?

Write it out. Yeah. You might as well go to Hollywood loan and buy a plot and say, listen, I'll see you guys in 80 fucking years, all right? bury me fucking... It's done right here. Bury me face down. I want that Lee Syatt treating it, baby. You don't want to be over in Louisiana.

You want to be buried here. Oh, I want to get buried over there in Mississippi. I already found a graveyard I liked, dude. Did you really? Yeah, they got a brother that cuts it, dude. A brother cuts the grass. He wears a full suit when he cuts it every Sunday, no matter how hot he is.

I feel like he probably going to be there when you get there. Nah, this man will be cutting grass forever, bro. And he wears his suit? It's that type of the south. It's that. And he's got little hills out there and that, man, cuts it in a sift. suit, dude. How do you get home? You take two flights?

Sometimes I take one in New Orleans and then drive north. Sometimes I take two into Baton Rouge. That's where my family's at now in Baton Rouge. But, uh, yeah, man, I had a great holidays, man. And it started off great, dude. Did a show with Amy Schumer, New Year's Eve? We fucking murdered it in New Orleans. Now I'm here with fucking Joey Diaz. Who's that? Who's tomorrow? Fucking Johnny Depp, son? Huh? Let me ask you. Luther Vandross? Who's next, bro? was the arena? Gerald Lavert.

How big was the theater? I think 2100. It's at 2100. But she had downsize from another place because, just because New Orleans, you're not going to sell a lot of comedy tickets on New Year's Eve. It's a party city. People go out of a drink, you know? People got out of drink.

People only have television sets, but are they chilling, dude. New Orleans, Miami, there's a couple cities that comedy has always been a hard sell. We've discussed this before. Yeah. That's why it was really interesting that you go, She's doing New Orleans. I kept thinking maybe she's doing a riverboat casino. I don't know if they have those there.

Well, she does it because she loves it. All of her friends, it's her favorite city. So she goes there every New Year's Eve anyway. So all of her friends go down there and it's always a big party. It's an 8 o'clock show or midnight show. It's an 8 o'clock show. That's how pimps do it. Yeah.

You walk out of that 10.30. There's no magic ball. Pictures till 11. The car's leaving. I love you guys. See you in a year for me. now, boom. Yeah.

Yeah, it was perfect, man. She, I mean, it was fine, man. She's funny to be around. You're on your way up, brother, man. She's funny to be around. That's good. You're working. Oh, I feel great.

I feel absolutely great. I got a slip, Jay. All right. Do you think. I'm going to be over at the Calusa Casino Friday, January 6th, and next weekend, hilarity is in Cleveland. But let me talk to you about something here that you may, I want to talk to you about a smart way

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Your grandmother died, left you a nice car, and you're sitting there eating pizza, and you're giving a fuck about who's the, the fucking kid's father on Mori. Go to lift.com right now. Is that what it is, Lee? Yes, sir. Go to live.com right now slash Joey

and start making money and get your $500 bonus right now. How's that one for you? Joey's getting your fucking jobs. How bad is your life when Uncle Joey's getting your job? Well, here's another thing, guys. You own a business.

You're looking for the right people. It's tough to get right people. if I didn't like Lee, I'd be looking for the right people. But I love Lee. You know what I'm saying? Amen. But he doesn't train. He's getting better.

He's growing. Checking with Ollie bars. He already has my back. Ali bars is Australia. Ollie bars is Australia. Ollie bars knows all. No, he doesn't. But listen, let me tell you something.

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That's ziprecruiter.com slash church. Amen. bro, Lee Syatt's spraying out his face, dude. What you laughing about? Wiesley, you fucking monster. Can I drop my date, my dates in, Joe? Your what? My date's.

Drop whatever you want, my brother. Let me drop this hot. Drop the next three weeks. Let me drop this hot batch of universe on you guys. I'm going to be in, uh, all these are American, all American dates, bro. Trump won't let me out the country, son. You know, how we doing it? Uh, February, January 26 through 29th, I'll be in Virginia Beach at the Funny Bone.

Who goes to the beach in the winter? this MF, uh, February 2nd through 4th, I'll be at Chicago out in Schaumburg, Illinois at the Improv. February 22nd through 25th, I'll be at Comedy Work South. So get in there, get your nuts hard, huh? Bring your hard-ass nutsack in there and let's do it right, huh? Bring some pussy, huh? I guess I'll bring the hard nuttack. Okay, right on, bro.

But Joey, I want to thank you so much, man. I love you, bro. You know that, man. I love you too. Thank you for coming on. I got fucked up tonight. those stars and that chocolate, I was unlike other people

who, you know, running out of the house. He's hitting that squeal, that beautiful Lee squeal, man. Yeah, you too, Lee. Great to be here with you, man. I really appreciate it. No, yeah.

Everything is going to be great. Thank you for listening to the church. You know, I love you at all my heart if you're around. This Friday, Colusa Casino. It's a fun time. Myself and my man, Steve D. Simone, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, I love him. Stay black, people. Have a great night. or a great day. Happy New Year once again. Do your thing, write your goals, do your push-ups. It's all going to be beautiful, all right? Stay black.

Love you, bro.