The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #444 - Nick Turturro

Episode Date: January 5, 2017

Nick Turturro, Actor seen in films and TV such as "The Longest Yard" and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY at checkout for 2 months free.     Recorded live on 01/04/2017.


Rock that motherfucker. Come on, Joe. Hot skates, Slimbrook-O-Lamaran. Tell me that you love me every day. Oh, shit. Whoa. Yeah. Oh, shit.

Oh. I got spade next pants on right now. I want your love. I need your love. Oh, shit. And I want it to be real. I want you love. Give me your love.

And I owe you so my Italy, yeah E, A, E, I owe you. You, you. Oh, shit. A, E, A, E, I owe you. Do that, ready? Let's do it.

Oh, my God. Oh, shit, what an opening. Oh, hold on, let me pause this song. Okay. The church of what's happening now is presented by on it. I was just saying today that I'm growing to love my Hello Tushy more and more every day. I can't live without it. And you know what guys, the days are back. The church of what's happening now is proud to present you to hellotushy.com. Hellotushy.com makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water. That's right. It sounds funny, but it's completely true. Go to hellotushy.com slash church right now to get 10% off of your order. Was that music Lee?

Kick that fucking meal, cock sucker. It's the church of what's happening now. Hit it Lee. Oh shit. Oh shit. Wednesday, January 4th, bitches. The day the devil was buried in seat. Uncle Joey, Nick Tatirot, my main man, Lee Syatt and shit.

Oh shit. Why fuck around? It's Thursday morning. Take a chance. Columbus did, bitches. Oh shit. It's time to bring out the gorilla biscuits. Here we go.

Here we go, cock suckers. Let's go. It's going to be a blazay type of fucking day. Yeah. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. My main man, Nick Taturo, and the fucking flying Jew himself,

Lee Syatt, Hanuk is over. Yom Kippur is over. Fuck it. Lent is on the way, Lee. It ain't your type of season. There's nothing to look forward to. All we have is Passover and that sucks. What's happening, Nicky?

All right, buddy. Great to be here. Great to have you. It's making a better year. He showed up at wine, bread, fucking sauce. We're going deep into the murky waters. We've been eating stars. Lee didn't get sick tonight.

They were out of chocolate. He left out. They were out of these. I told you, I tried my first chocolate in Seattle. And what did you think? So in Seattle, you just walk in from the street. Yeah, you just walk in and said, it just said, like, you know, I don't know what it's, it just looked like, you know, said, come in. And you lived in downtown, so you were downtown.

No, I was in the suburbs. Kent Washington. Kent Washington. It was like right up the street. I got arrested there. Did you? Yeah, one of those places. Possession of stolen car, but the car wasn't stolen.

That'll let me go up to three days. They didn't let you go. But they kept me in there for 72 fucking hours because they pinched me on a Friday, those cock suckers. Yeah, but that's why you've got to make a move so you don't have to spend the whole weekend. No, I had to go in front of a judge. You know, my cousin one time, he made out that he was having a heart attack. On a Friday, he got pinched. So then he spent the whole weekend.

He threw himself on the ground and faked a heart attack. And then because he knew he would have been in jail all weekends. It sucks, Dick. I know. That's the time when you got plans and shit for the weekend. There you are in county jail is 6 o'clock and shit. Oh, my God. Your fucking pages going off.

Oh, my God. I wouldn't know. I got pinched on Fridays for like fucking years. The worst one was I got paid. I was with my girlfriend also in the fucking car walk. She starts to fight and she rips up half the fucking check. And I take her from him and some guy goes, hey, leave her alone. I didn't do none.

Oh, you were having a fucking. And then somebody... Yeah, in Seattle. And I had to hide in the dumpster. And the cops were looking for me all afternoon. And when I got out of the dumpster, I walked 10 feet, and there the cops waiting for him. Wow. What a fucking nightmare.

Seattle's a freaking strange town. I'm not allowed back up there. I got used to it, but it's a strange. Strange, man. Very bohemian. The Malook. Yeah. Listen, it's the Bremeneton, Washington is the deepest point.

That's where my dad was in the Navy. Yeah, because it's the deepest point. That's where the submarines are. They got pretty girls up there. No, Bremitton is great. The guys are all... They're all... They're all...

They all look very, like... My... My stepbrothers' uncle lives all the way up there. When I went up there, Robert Ronnie, I fucking contacted him one time. There's 94-95. You know, I used to go to Brementon. But it's a growing city, man. Oh, yeah, now it's got...

It's smart. All that, you know, all those... All that Navy money. All that... Computer guys are up there, you know. There's all that... Was it Amazon or who's up there? Everybody's up there, right?

Everybody's up there. I wouldn't know. I'm not. a lot up there 1995 you can't go you're banned this is 90 so 20 years now I'm 20 fucking years I still got that warrant out wow it's a non extraditional warrant they could only arrest me if they find me in the state of Washington in that state they won't come and get so you don't do no comedy there fuck no no I don't go nowhere I got the malook put on me oh it was like let me tell you something it was like I was going through a rough patch in my life and then I moved to

Seattle and I didn't know what Maloic was until I moved. Like I thought I was going to... I was like on a two-year skid. Mm-hmm. On a two-year skid of debt. Yeah. And I finally moved to Seattle

and I get pinched five times and 18 fucking month. What did you get pinchful? You name it. Assault, possession of stolen car, fucking violating. It was a fuck. And it all started with a jaywalking ticket.

Why'd you go there anyway? Because I met a girl. Oh. Why the fuck would anybody go to Seattle? Me too. I met a girl. I know. I don't think I ever would have went to that place.

My father used to talk about it because he was in the Navy. And he stopped there and I asked my mom. I said, why does he always talk about that watch? Because he probably shacked up with some girls when he was young. He was a good-looking guy. Always talked about Washington, Washington. The first few times I was like, I hate this place. It's weird.

It took me a while to, like, you know, kind of embrace it. I went up there at the time for comedy and for this girl. So I moved in with her and I got a place. and then I just did comedy. And compared to where I was living in Denver in Boulder at the time, this was, I was going out every night. They had comedy every fucking night.

Every night they had comedy somewhere. Kent, Burlington, what's all the way up there? Brementon. Brementon. No, no, no, Bellingham. Bellingham. Yeah.

There was a lady who booked every single, like they have these Mexican chains around here. Like, what's the taco place? We go to. We go to cactus. Cactus, okay? Cactus. have 11 restaurants and all of them would do comedy.

So the one in Kent would do comedy, the one in East, and over the bridge in the east side of Seattle would do comedy. The one in Tacoma would do comedy. The one in Portland, like close to Portland would do comedy. I forget what they would call Lowe-something Mexican restaurant. So there was actually every fucking. Different vibe.

Northwest is really different. And when you're doing it in a restaurant, are you doing it at like a bar? Like, what are you... At the fucking bar, Lee. Okay, and how many people would come to, like, a Mexican restaurant? 14. 15 tops.

What was your act like back then? Just God awful. Really? God awful. What'd you talk about? Who the fuck knows? Killing people and kidnapping people and selling drugs? A lot of serial killers up there, you know, the Green Lake guy.

Oh, yeah, Bundy. Yeah, Bundy. Yeah, Bundy was up in Seattle. Yeah, yeah. Like, intelligent but dark, crazy people. Well, that people. place a lot of people ice themselves up there than Buffalo yeah Buffalo too it's the same type of but I look at that nice of city in Buffalo yeah well and I like Buffalo I'm a Buffalo I'm a

I'm a rough and rugged I'm a Rick James type of motherfucker you know what I'm a yeah you know but I take it like I'm a wing dude I like the the beef on wings are good the beef on you ever seen that movie is Buffalo 66 good movie is it oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's a guy Vincy Gallo what happened to him. Lost his mind. He lost his mind. Yeah, he was crazy as it was. That's why he made a movie where he had a girl like, you know, actually do something to

him on camera for real. It's in the movie. It's called Bugs Bunny or something. And he's definitely out there. He was a talented guy. Yeah, that's why he was so. I love that movie. I love that movie.

That's why Vincent Gazzar is in it. He plays the father. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Angelica Houston is the mother wearing the Bill's jacket. That's right. Yeah. Watch that again.

I used to stop in Buffalo to go to Toronto I was doing a movie I didn't have a passport So I used to go I could get in from Buffalo to Toronto Like with a bird certificate This is before 9-11 Yeah Before 9-11 you could fucking wave at them I never went through the border

Because in fact I gotta call this kid He called me Irish day to the Puerto Rican girl in my How fucked up is this? I'm talking to the waiter at the Miami Improv And I go dog I gotta work in fucking Buffalo next week and then I got to jump over to Canada and work Toronto. I don't think they don't let me over. This is way before 9-11.

And he goes, bro, I could get you in like that. Like, what are you talking about? It was my girl's father. This is how nice these Puerto Ricans were. I flew from Miami to Buffalo. They picked me up, took me to their home, let me take a shower and change. They made a big Puerto Rican meal.

Tortillas. He told him my mother died. They made gondulis, the whole fucking deal. Then the father was a gambler. So he had a pass into this casino So to go into this casino You kind of went over the border But they didn't really say nothing to you

As long as you had a sticker And you were going to go gamble And that's what he would do He would make believe like he'd go park We'd make a U-turn He'd take me all the way to the bus station And the first city There's a little city

When you first get over Buffalo I forget what it's called And I would take the bus to Toronto And then when I would come back I would go through immigration And they would lose their mind Oh, yeah. They'd do a background check and I said, when would you get in here?

And I got in here last Thursday. Here's my documentation. I did the fucking paperwork. Right. I didn't do the paperwork. I'd have the paperwork from the comedy club. Yeah. And they'd lose their mind.

You couldn't have gotten in here. What are you talking about? Anything I fucking got in here. Yeah. I did that about three times. And then one time before 9-11, they got me going in. They said, no, you can't go in there. Can't go.

And I went and got a hotel in Detroit. like in the worst part of Detroit, I probably had 300 on me. So I said, I got no money for a Hilton. So I said, take me to the darkest part of fucking Detroit. I think I'm kidding you. And he took me downtown. He goes, now the hotel's at $35.

I said, perfect. And I got a fucking, this is true. Oh, my God, this is a fucked up story. And I fucking take the cab. He puts me to this hotel. But on the way to the hotel, I see Coco's Comedy Club. and I had a bunch of friends from Detroit that were out here

that were all Comedy Club Cocoa and I go, oh my God, three blocks away. So I went up there the first night, boom, I saw Mimi Gonzalez a little Cuban lesbian chick. And she goes, I got no place to stay. Fuck it, I got two beds.

Give me 1750. I'm surprised she didn't get her for like the whole 30. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. She gave me 1750 like a motherfucker. She took a shower the next day she went somewhere.

I don't know where the fuck she went. What year was that? Ninety-nine. Mm, 99. Summer of 99 before Montreal. Man, time is flown by. It really has, man. Can't believe it's 2017.

Can't believe it. It's freaking. What did you do, 2000? 2000. Yeah, what'd you do? 2000 for New Year's. 2000, let's see. Did you think the Martians were coming in and shit?

Well, the Yankees won the World Series. I remember that year. Subway Series. 2000. Yeah, it must have been a decent year. Those were good years for me back then. Those were better times I was going back and forth

LA and New York and Yankees Mets That was good I flew all the way from Canada To see the closing game I flew like five hours And I drove five hours I was in Canada

Some place called Ossoyo Doing some rinky dink movie I got off And I drove five hours to Seattle And dropped my kids off And then boom And then flew five So I traveled like 10 hours

For one game I said they better fucking clinch I didn't come this far to lose I'll fucking kill them if they lose I'm at Shea Stadium I'm gonna celebrate tonight And the Yankees Tough game But they put them away

We celebrated it at Shea I love sticking it to the Mets At Shea It was a great feeling Because I felt like I willed them I said I came this far Not to lose There's no way I'm fucking losing

Like I'm playing I wasn't playing but I'm taking it personal And you know And the Yankees did one They pulled it out Louis Soho With a little hit man You know what that sounds like to me That sounds like when the Rettas

Came back 3 to 1 against the Yankees Three-0. Yeah, that's a little different. Look at Lee, throwing salt in the wounds. It's all right. It's all right. Look at Lee, throwing salt in the woods.

It was their time. This guy's a real fucking Yankee fan. It was their time. Not no Opie dog fucking fan. This is the real deal. There's some Hollywood guys. They were all like... You threw salt in the fucking wound, Lee.

No, that's okay. See, he could rebeoke and tell you, remember two words, Bucky Dent. He can revoke. I can say a lot of things. He can say, Aaron Boone. I could say a lot of things.

I can say 86, Bill Buck. now you're fucking you're still you still got that bullshit the red socks still got that baggage they want a couple now the cubbies are off the fucking snide with the fucking goat they'll all go back into hibernation soon the curse will come back it'll re it'll re fucking invent itself dog the yankees have been cursed too they've been cursed oh yeah the yankees are cursed they have a different curse yeah they put them a look oh yeah these did they go i don't want to say but yeah it's uh that new stadium was like the kiss of death It really is.

You don't knock down. You don't tear down a shrine. You see the Red Sides? They don't knock down, Fenway. Never. The Cubs wouldn't tear it, Wrigley. You don't do that. They moved across the street.

I never felt the same. I swear to God, I never felt the same. I don't. I'm still fucking angry. I'm really angry. That place is like an imposter. What do you think about the ballparks out here, neck? I hate them.

I don't think that. At least in Southern California, I don't like them. At Dodger Stadium is not bad. It's not bad. It's set in the canyons. Well, yeah, that is pretty. I mean, it is pretty. That's true.

It is pretty. I remember when I first came out here with my agent, funny guy, he was taking me to the Dodger games. Burbank high, baby. I was like, what's Burbank? This is where he went to high school. He was so excited to take me a Dodger dog. But the food sucks.

Oh, the food is on. She wouldn't feed them to a dog. The fucking dodger dog. They got to get a new fucking hot dog. And you always buy one to see if they change. You buy it into them. Oh, that farmer John. Oh, you can ask my son.

It's terrible. Terrible. At least the Yankees is ready to get a shit, you know, bullshit ball. Listen, dog. Let me tell you something. I heard they got a fucking cheese steak, a Yankee steak. Oh, to die for.

It's to fucking die for. I have friends that go to the Yankee game just to get the fucking steak. The cheese steak is slamming. Slamming. Slamming a Yankee Stadium. Then you got the Nathan's hot dog. Great hot dog. They say you miss a whole inning, but it's worth the fucking weight.

But the best hot dog is the one you have on the street. It's called it a subrette. I got them at the house. Oh, they're great. I get them at the house. You can have, you can boil those in sourcrout. and must that's like you eat a hot dog yeah yeah I boil people over here on my kids this one talking about fucking ketchup on a hot dog I said mustard is for the hot dog yeah no you ruin

the whole fucking hot dog you gotta have mustard and sourcrow don't put no fucking ketchup on that gets me mad it gets me pissed too I don't hear that bullshit that's some kind of I don't know what the way that came from this guy puts fucking ketchup you put ketchup no no no I put mustard but I can't put mustard sometimes they'll do a plane because every time I put mustard just means that's going on my shirt. Get the mustard in the sour crowd, Lee. That's what makes it. I make them, I get the sour crowd.

You don't eat the... I've never seen you with sourcrown. At the house. Oh, it's good. I put the fucking sap. My wife throws them in there. We get the sad bread buns. So you get the subrette?

I go deep. You find them? You can find them? Yeah. I knew a guy that knew a guy that just sends them to me down. Yeah. Fuck it overnight. It's great.

And the buns are a little, little stick. Yeah, to see the steak I made the other night. That's why we need to get those things that the guys carry around at the game. so you can steam the buns and all the same time. You just want a simple hot dog. You know, Fenway Park, they got this bread that's great. It's like Wonder Bread. Remember Wonder Bread back in the day?

There's good bread. How is it now? Still good. It's still good. Peanut butter and jelly. But you notice. Wonder Bread is tremendous. No, but these bread today, it lasts.

They've got all kinds of preservatives. And that's why the bread lasts for weeks. It's weird. And don't buy bread at Target because I take six weeks old and shit. You get it. When you put the peanut butter on it, It sticks to the fucking thing of the bread breaks. What's better than white bread with peanut butter?

If you're hungry, if you're starving. That's the fucking sandwich, right? I had to break that addiction. Like, I lost 10 pounds because I stopped eating peanut butter. If there was peanut butter at my house, I would fucking stick my finger in it and just lick it. I get so high at night, I couldn't control myself. No, I'm a jiff type of motherfucker. You're a jiffy.

I'm a jiff type of motherfucker. Creamy, but no fucking peanut one. No, I don't want no peanuts. I got dentures. Yeah. I got a fuck the peanut in your shit, right? You just take shits like that. No, I don't want to look at my shit.

I used to take shit. That's why I got a bidet. Oh, you get the bidet. I do it with the thing in the shower. When I was a kid, I was a creepy kid. I took it out and broken it. I wish I had a bidet. I like cleaning that ass.

Feels good. I didn't even know when I went to Italy, you know, I said, I looked at what is this shit? I was a young guy. She goes, that's to clean your ass. I never saw. I didn't know what I thought it was another toilet. It just too she get one.

Tushy.com. Because I'm always wiping, wiping, wiping. No, this is tremendous. This takes care of the hemorrhoey. Tushy.com? Hello, Tushy.com. Oh, I need it.

It washes behind the nut sack. You can put it on pot, and it steams like a dry cleaner. You're like, ah, that type of shit. But steam comes out. Really? There's no germs.

And you dip the helmet in there, too. While you're at it, you do a little, Aguamida, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes you need a little Puerto Rican shower. Oh, man. That's the original.

Puerto Rican shower. That's what the Puerto Rican shower. These people out here think washing your face and wetting your hair is a Puerto Rican shower. That's the byproduct of the Puerto Rican shower. Right. The original Puerto Rican shower is washing that muffler, wiping the Nutsack, cleaning the helmet, putting some polishing shine, taking that dead piece smell off the helmet. Yeah, but you do it with a face cloth. I read the entire instruction booklet. There's nothing about the Nutsack or anything, all that. And where? In the Hello Tush? Because they have no imagination. See, that's what I'm here for. I'm Johnny imagination. You know what I'm saying? You got to have imagination. You got water sprinkling up. It hits your asshole and it feels good. So if it's hitting

your asshole at a certain power, okay? What do you think is going to hit your, what do you think it's going to feel like when it hits your nutsack like that? And all you got to do is just move back a quarter inch. That's it. You'll feel it hitting your knutsack and you move your feet. Make sure your hips are over your knees. You know what I'm And you do that little shake right there, and it's all over, but the shout. And then you move back another inch. Use it all every day. Every day.

In the middle of the day, you got to wash your muffler. Yeah. I'm 2.98. You got to clean that muffler, you know what I'm saying? I like to start my day with it. You got to start my day with it. Well, no, why are you going to start your day with if you're going to take a shower? Well, I don't take a shower right away.

I'm going to work. Oh, no, no. When you work out in the morning, you wash your muffler. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah. I don't blame you. I'm not mad at you don't. Yeah.

You got to be fresh. Yeah. You ever go to Starbucks? You stand in front of a chick, hot chick, but a hair, the back of the hair looks like a rat's nest. This dirty bitch went out. Her pussy smells like a condom, and she's standing on line waiting for a fucking latte acting like she don't know nobody.

You got to clean up. I can't stand dirty people. I love washing three times a day. I got a shower when I use it. That shit about a drought, save that for these fucking Gentiles. I take showers, Jack. I don't give a fuck. I love the bathroom.

I love the bathroom. That's why I put my robe on. That's why I focus in the shower. I smoke a tutu-so-roots. Yeah. I get in that fucking shower. I play scrubby dub-dub. I let the fungi toenail get nice and sore.

I get caught under it. I'm overdue. I live it that toe and it's stuffed with fungi. So tomorrow at the casino, I'm going to sit in that shower. I'm bringing the heavy-duty nail clippers. Nice. And I cut them right in the shower. You like the old-school soap or you like the liquid?

I bring my own soap. Your own soap. I bring my own fucking whatever that one. You have a favorite? Yeah, the blue one. It smells nice. I take the same. drop clothed I fucking wash

I washed the muffler good I got a little loose shampoo every day yeah I shampoo the hair condition look at me I got 10 hairs left I gotta wash them every day I gotta let them know I love them you know what I'm saying before they abandon ship I gotta let them know I love them you can't be walking around with dirty hair

what do you wear for the under under arm you know just unscented oh you don't like any I like old school no no no what's old spice old spice makes you smell like a billy go dough no when you play the hoop I don't put that on my... Does it? No, I never smelled.

You smell good. No, just under here. I put whatever, unscented, the good stuff. Unsented. You use lotion. Do you lotion your body? Sometimes I'm a lotion guy, but I don't lotion my stomach. No.

I lotion from the kneecap down, the foot. You know what I'm saying? That type of shit. What about bats? You like bats still? What are you fucking... I'm just talking about that. What are you heavy breathing?

I'm just saying... Oh, I'm just saying... Bamb! I love the bathroom, you know what? I like a bath, but when I have a bath, I'm sitting there thinking, I don't know, I like when it's a bigger shower that I could sit on the floor and stretch out. What if I have a bench in it that you could sit down in? Yeah, but that means I got to sit where a thousand other people put their fucking assholes and shit.

You built a bathroom. I always take like a little towel to put my asshole on, so I don't get fungus. And I sit on the floor and get the longest distance of the shower. It steams up. I get the blackheads out. Steam is the best. It's the best thing. If you can put a steam in your shower, I'd way better than the sauna,

but there's nothing like taking a steam. Sitting in a steam shower, steam room, I love that. I wish I could move into a place like a building that has like that. There's a building of Marina del Rey. It's expensive, but there's everything there. You don't have to leave there. Oh, yeah, that would be gone. Supermarket, the movie theater, the Taylor, the Baker, Rouse is in there, Bank of America's in there.

That's what I need. It's down. I mean, yeah, I need something because I'm getting old now. I'm almost 55. That's where all the old people moved. That's what I need, man. Is it a good deal to move in there? I don't know.

I think you got to buy the condo when somebody's got to die. You got to go on a list. Really? I knew this guy about fucking 15 years ago. I'm at the laugh factory one night and this guy comes up to me. It's got to be 60 years old. He says, my name is Mike. I'm from the Bronx.

You killed me tonight. He goes, nobody else laugh. I was the only guy howling because I got every word you said I go how long you've been out of he said 30 years I go 35 ago what are you been doing he goes you have another show remington steel and I go yeah he goes I'm the creator wow he goes I'm out here tonight was looking for a different girl for a show but it's really nice to meet you who's your agent I told my agent he goes I'm gonna be in touch of you man he goes you know anything about bookmaking what you were talking about yeah contact me six months later he did He would take me out to lunch in Hollywood,

and we'd talk about bookmaking, and he'd take notes for me and stuff. Mm-hmm. And then when day he invited me to his home, he goes, do you want to come down to Marina D'Orain and write a little with me? And I went all the way down there, and I got unfucking believable. You pull up, valet parking.

Is it called the Bella Fontaine? Something like that. And it's huge. It looks like a stadium. You found it Lee? The one beds start out 2435, and three beds are 41,30. 4131 a month how much four thousand one hundred and thirty dollars for how many bedrooms three that's not bad

how is it and what they got they got everything there right uh it says they have uh explore the marina marketplace and all the local favorites such as gelson's market where we have the convenience at your doorstep without the bus of the city everything they got everything down there it's it's uh so i went down there a couple times right cool dude we went and pitched we couldn't sell it you know it was just a little too edgy there was no internet then there was nothing then

you know we went to USA we went to FX 16 whatever that is FX 18 we went to a couple places but he still kept in touch with me but the other thing I didn't know was that he was writing all those movies at lifetime

all those years excuse me those are the weirdest scripts because in those days somebody signs you a lifetime and you just keep writing movies from him so he was Dick Van Dyke all right his Dick Van Dyke and his son so

you know I'm moving I'm on my business and also I got a call and it's Mike and he goes Doug I got work for you three days on the movie you're playing a bookie he goes I wrote the role in it's a Dick Van Dyke movie they're going to bust you him and the son so he wrote me into this movie

he knew I was a Dick Van Dyke fan You know, he got me on the set for three days. That's nice. This company was very interesting. They shot a movie every eight weeks. They took a week off, and they'd started a movie. Was it one of those, like, beam movies, maybe? It was all lifetime.

Okay, yeah. They just shot all lifetime. This has to be 2002, 2003. I was talking to the guy, and I'll tell you, they told you in the beginning. Listen, if you want. want to do this, you could do this if you know, we pay a scale. Listen, we've had everybody do this. So don't give me your song and dance.

Everybody did these things. Like the one I did had fucking people in it. Like, I forget who it was. I didn't give a fuck because it had Dick Van Dyke. Right. And he was cool as shit and his father and his son, his son and not his father. But you know what these people did that? I never forgot about them.

I worked three days and all three days. There was a basket, a present. all three days and a bottle of champagne nice it cost to make dollars yeah but when you get treated you understand me I never ever forgot these guys and in fact we shot at a bar and they go

we're just gonna take over the bar and drink and one of the guys was smoking dope and the director was smoking dope and I go you guys smoke pot with dick man dikewarm he goes he's an a hey guy he don't give a fuck about weed so that's but they shot a movie Lee

every eight weeks one week off. Were they writing them too? Probably. They were just a machine. They probably had it down to the science. They had it down to a science. Were they like the,

it was kind of like Dick Wolf did specials. They did Lifetime movies? Oh, they probably made billions. So they were just right for Nick Tuturo. So it would be, Nick's got a sixth movie deal, a six-picture deal. So Nick's going to do three this year and three next year. But we also have the chick from,

chick from CBS they had her at the time so it's her so you would basically work for eight weeks then you'd have nine weeks off you would work eight weeks then you'd have nine weeks off that was the rotation right

pretty fucking cool yeah and I talked to the guys and guys like dog we just come back and blasted no overtime by the way seven to five no overtime they didn't need overtime no they were so good no overtime quick looks

People are smart. Yeah, quick looks, quick. They were two, they framed two ahead. They were like a soap opera type fucking angle. I was a project into eight million of them. That sounds like your dream. You know what, man? He got me one.

And then he offered me one day and another one like a year later. Did he give you a good one? Like a good? The booky one was good. I still got the real. Yeah. I weigh about 400 pounds. Did they pay like, they must have paid the top star as something?

The company, it was really weird because he was saying, you know, this company, this is what they do. Because like years ago, man, you know, when I was first on NYPD Blue, I got like a movie at a week. I remember, I couldn't believe like an offer came in. It was like, and I, I basically turned it down because I was going to do a play. It was a lot of money. And then I was saying, oh, man, I fucked up. Why did I do that? And then they went to Matthew Perry and then he didn't want to do it. So I was able to get it back. I was like, man, I was almost going to blow, you know, 125,000 or something to start like a movie at a week. But you could make some nice coin.

and your hiatus back then if you were on TV you had a TV name so right away you were you know a commodity you know but you can't you can't find that shit today don't matter who you are and you know they bring them they don't do the movie of the weeks and all that shit don't do them nobody's doing that they get away with those things you know I mean now you got to go and fight for guest spots guess what he's going through changes I just caught it's the beginning stages is he yeah what's going on with him you can just look all over Yeah. You can see him like, he gets very sad.

He thinks that he thinks of Jerusalem. Really? He thinks of the old country. Yeah. He gets all sad and shit. Someone stole my credit card and tried to buy Jamaican food. So it was a bad night. When was that?

What was this? Last night. $38 of Jamaican food. Oh, really? I don't know. Then they knew it wasn't me. They did? Yeah.

They knew I wasn't eating Jamaican food. So, at least my credit card. company. I mean, listen, listen. That's all right. Let's pretend that they caught it. And also they go, all right, type up lease I am. A picture you came up with that shirt on.

Looking like you do right now. And they said, let me ask you a question. Does this guy look like he gets Jamaican food? What do you think the question of me? No, he gets good food. I can tell he knows what he likes. And he's never been to a Jamaican restaurant before in New York.

Bullshit on this shit. That wine with the edible fucking makes this feeling like mushrooms yeah yeah yeah I like it's a little peanut I like it it's very nice yeah did you finish your wine only absolutely I like you know my favorite did you another star yeah of course well sure when do you drink one I never I drink I hey I don't but when I do I I like peanut let me ask you something how many tutorials are there in the acting business there's my brother there's Aida my cousin me and uh yeah my My son and my daughter, you know, interested, but she's more interested.

I mean, she's interested more on music. But there's three of us that I know of. She had another sister who was talented, I eat her, but she didn't really make a living at it. She was a musical theater girl. But as far as I know, the three of us, yeah. You weren't one of those acting class dudes. No, no. You didn't get down to the South Village and meet with Monaco.

No, I was a freaking. theater major for one year running around in tights and I didn't like it and all the kids I thought they were all kind of you know funook you know so I was like the same for me I I got to put tights on and stretch and I was making noises in the class and one of my friends who liked was one guy liked me none of those people made it it's so funny you know and I did it one year there and vocal me me me me me me me my oh like my brother does all that shit I'm like I just did I didn't, not that I didn't want to act, I just didn't like all that theatrical theater kids. So, you know, after one year, I said, I'm not coming back.

This is not, this is not what I thought, you know, acting was. But I think I wasn't that, I wasn't totally committed then. When I got committed later on, I learned on the job, you know, I didn't have all the classical. I took a class with this guy, Bob Modica, but him I liked because he wasn't like your typical acting teacher. It was like if my father became an acting teacher, he was a bit insane. He had these distors coffee with a switchblade. And you would have to do this exercise called the repetition.

And he would speak like this. And you basically have to put your attention on somebody. They put their attention on you. And you have to be honest. So you might say like, well, they might say like, you're angry. You know, you have to be truthful. I'm angry. Yes.

You're angry. Yes. I'm angry. You're angry. Right. I'm angry. Yes. You're angry.

Yes. I'm angry. That bothers you. Yes, it bothers me. It bothers you. Yes, it bothers me. It bothers you. Yes, it bothers you.

But you had to stay in the moment. But if you were fake, Modica would be like, that's not it. He would stop the exercise. But sometimes, like, if you didn't know what to say, he would write on a piece of paper.

Now, where was this at? This was in Carnegie Hall. He was great, this guy. How much a month? Robert X, Modica. Back then, it might have been like it was kind of big it was expensive back then maybe

150 a month or 200 I don't remember but he took a liking to me because he knew I was kind of like raw and I was like a caveman because he didn't remember he talked to my because my brother studied with him a little bit and he played football against him and his brother against my uncle Tony it's a weird that we found this guy Modica

he actually was almost in the godfather he was almost Sonny Corleone because of Coppola I spoke to Copla. He said he loved Bob Modica, this guy. He had a little acting career, but he really teaching was his thing. But I loved him because it was like my father,

he was forceful, but educated. Like, you know, he'd tell you sometimes to go outside. He was like an idea, he'd say, go outside and take a walk and figure out why you're coming to the door. Don't come until you know. Right? So one time I fucking like disappeared for 15 minutes.

He came looking for me. He goes, you got to come back. And I said, I know Bob. He goes, you know, no, you got to come back. He liked me. Because, you know, he was like, I told my brother, I don't know what that kid wants to do. But he's interesting. I used to come in with my doorman uniform.

He was like, hey, general. I was a doorman around the corner. He'd go, you're just in the neighborhood. You figure to just stop by. Because you have to try to get in when people were working. you had to listen the door was a block and said Robert X. Modica It was kind of a scary door

and he's over there with the switchblade and fucking moving the desk around. He was a great guy. He was actually in a movie with me, Federal Hill. He played like my dad. I gave him a bath. It was weird working with him

because then I became an actor and I was like giving him but in the classroom he was great. I mean, you know, like I say but I more or less learned on the job. I wasn't. classically trained like

my brother and all that it wasn't my thing I don't knock it I think it's great if I had to do it over maybe I would do all that all that shit you know and work on my body and learn how to stretch

that's why my brother my brother you know he slays on the ground he stretches and you know when you hear him do his fucking vocal warm up mah me

it sounds crazy I go what are you doing John he said I'm warming up. Warming up my voice, Nick. You know, I'm like, okay. I did a play with him on time. He was in the theater doing all those noises.

And he goes, come, come stretch with me. Come stretch with me. Oh, he's very funny. You know, I did this whole epidural thing because I have two bulging discs. So I couldn't walk a couple weeks ago. So he goes, I said, I'm having side effects. And he goes, that's why you shouldn't do the needles.

And I said, John, John, I can't walk. You understand? that's a different story but it's funny I'll say something he repeats it back I'll say something he repeats it back I'll try to tell him about my cataract too

I had a cataract surgery so what kind of surgery was it was it a cataract wasn't it you know it sounds like insane we say goodbye to each other like this all right neck I'll see you all right love you

all right take it easy bye bye John bye bye bye goodbye goodbye all right good hearing your voice love you we say goodbye for like five minutes

saying goodbye. All right, bye-bye. Did you grow up close to Aida? No, you know, Aida was in Manhattan. Her father was an artist. So she grew up very different than us. She grew up more like Bohemian. Because my uncle, my father's brother, was a crazy artist.

Talented guy, very smart. But all the other brothers were in construction. So we grew up in the suburbs. She actually grew up like in Manhattan and a synagogue. She had a way different upbringing than me. So is that why she was so good and there's a problem? That's because it was her? Yeah.

She's wild. You know, I wrote a little something that we're going to do this month. And she is, she is freaking wild. I mean, she's talented, but she makes me look like I'm normal. Her ADD is, ooh, she's off the wall when she gets going. You know, so I've never really worked with her. I got to, my brother said, just make sure your hands are up. Keep your hands up. He loves her. I love her too. But she's, she's out there. You have to meet her. She's like, she's like you, toward the force. Big presence, comes in the room, tears you apart. She'll tear you apart.

You know, she tears you, I mean, she'll... Sounds delightful. I remember when I was auditioning for the Sopanos. She is. I mean it in affectionate way. When I was auditioning for the Sopranos, that was the big search at that time. It wasn't that they were looking for characters

as much for a woman to play Tony's sister. Oh, yeah. He had a big to do with her. He loved her. They did a play on Broadway together, and I think he fell in love with her. And I heard he was a mensch of a guy. He helped a lot of people.

He helped a lot of people. He gave people money. He helped the cast get more. You don't find guys like that on television shows. So she loved James. And James loved her. I think he fought for her. He fought for her to get the part.

But they were great together. They were great together. I mean, that was iconic. That is like that stuff, that sopranos, I never seen anything like that. I go through phases where I will not put it on and then I'll put it on every night for a month. Like this was the first holiday that I didn't put it on.

Like I usually put, I'll go crazy. I'll do two seasons and three nights. Wow. You know, the Carmela parts, I'll speed through them. She's good. She's good, but if it's not necessary. But he's the guy that drives the show. I miss him.

You fucking love him. He's one guy. He was a special guy. He was at my mother's funeral. I'll tell you, John directed him in a movie. and you could tell he was a special guy. He had a big soul, that guy. You could tell.

He saw this one movie and I broke down crying. He goes, it was about my family and he actually played like my dad. And yeah, I didn't know him that well, but he goes, that movie affected you, huh? I said, yeah, he had no fucking idea how it affected me, but you could tell he was a deep guy, dark guy, deep guy, but people loved him.

I mean, it's a shame that he passed so young, man was a shame because so talented too but yeah she I mean you know she's great I mean she's uh it's gonna be fun to work with her I haven't I will see how it's gonna I've never really like done anything with her so this is kind of funny she was texting me today

like I need to talk to you I need to know I'm like I'm playing a cool I'm like yeah all right we'll talk we'll talk so I wrote something for her you know but I mean I think she should be doing much more she's very funny too they don't know how to use her You know this industry? Like they don't know how to use people.

What has she been doing since the surprise? She's been doing little guest spots, this, that, but she's so much. I saw her on this Brooklyn 9-9 and she's like, she's great. And then they chop it up. You know, sometimes you do a TV show, they just chop you. They chop it up. It's so choppy. I was helping her memorize her lines at home because she's like a little slow.

She likes to write her lines out. And I just, I work faster because I'm just, I'm, that's how I worked in television. You know, I always learned how to work fast. for TV. But she's got her own, you know. For auditions now, Nick, it's a complete different game. And it's so weird. I don't even know how to audition anymore. I don't even know how to audition anymore. Like now this last one I went in for, I prepared so much for it on my own. I went over, over, over, wrote it out, wrote it out, went to sleep, got up at four, went over it again after we dropped mercy off me and my wife went over, over, over, over, over, over.

And it's like, I'm not disenchanted. I just know that even though you go in there and I've got somebody in mind, I'm very nice that you brought me in. Thank you very much. But I'm not even in the fucking game anymore. That's fine. I mean, I'm not disappointed as much as I thought I would be, you know.

But no, no, I forgot how to do it. That was my favorite part of it. My thing was doing the work. That's why I got pissed off. It's not going to go to a wardrobe. Of course, an audition is, It's not a performance. It's an audition.

Some guys are good at it. Some may be better than others. I'm really good at it. That's my thing. I like going to do. Yeah. I mean, there are times that I love it. And then there are other times I just feel like I'm all, you know, sometimes I'm, if I'm not there, I just sometimes go. And then sometimes when I'm there, I really come out of there feeling like, wow, I did something.

You know, you know when you did something good. And then you know when you're off. Sometimes you're just off and sometimes you're on. But I never think that that's. like you know the final you know that's why like look at it as if you really want someone that's not to tell all you know i've not been that lucky with auditions in my life i've gotten some i've gotten some you know i mean i actually was a young young guy mypd bloer i only read for them i never went to the and then had to go through that network that's horrible if you ever have to

test and you have to go you know to the studio that's a nightmare that's a nightmare that's a nightmare that's nervous breakdown. That's what I did for a week. No, I've seen guys that do it. And I was with guys, when I had my own pilot at CBS guys, I brought in somebody like Billy Goddell. I was trying to get him hired as my brother. Everybody goes, he doesn't look like your brother.

I said, yeah, but maybe he's adopted. I was like fighting for him. I was, you know, and I remember, you know, in front of them coming to the network and then you hear what people say to, it's terrible. You know, and I'm like, because I've been on, you've been on the other side. I knew what that was like, but that's

why I always like it gave my all with other actors when I was the few times that I ever was like on that side of the fence it was interesting to see a lot of guys that come in you know there were famous guys too they were like hey I read for you I said yeah I know they said you know you didn't hire me I was like one time one of the Baldwin brothers said that to me I was like oh well I didn't you know the guy was being a bit of a jerk so I let it go you know our auditions is it's a weird thing it's a weird thing it's a Amazing how good I got it to Nick, how I would take rooms and fucking demolish him. That's great.

Four or five people in a room, I would fucking, the Peter Segal audition for the longest yard was a very blasé audition. Yeah, it was. Till this day, I don't know how I got it because the read was horrid. Oh. It was horrid. I had sent the tape in and read with him. No, I think my audition was okay. It was, I mean, I didn't know what it was going to be.

I had no idea what that part was going to become. The beauty of that part in Brucey is it became, on paper, it was nothing. And Sandler added so many things for me. Then 95% of it made the movie. But really, on paper, Brucey was really not a big deal. And it became a beautiful part. But I got to give Adam because Adam was like, he fed me the ball. Have the Toro say that.

He didn't know me that well. But I went in there with an idea. My brother told me that. He goes, if he sees you're funny, he'll pick up on that. Just go in there with something. And that's why I went in blazing with the hair cut, the this, to that. I didn't really know what I was going to do. But it became a great part.

And it was nothing on paper. What was your first big audition? First big audition? Like in front of it. Like beside the Spike Lee movies. Yeah. Like in New York early. I went like for my cousin Vinnie.

Really? I was up for that. I didn't get it. Obviously, but who was the casting director? Do you remember? I forget. It might have been a big one. Yeah, Lynn something.

I forget his name. He was actually a big... Now, who else was up for that role when you went down to the reed? Who else did you see in that room? I don't remember, you know, who I saw or anything like that. I just know that I was pretty...

I was almost in this movie alive, a Frank Marshall movie. That was a big audition. They liked me a lot. This movie where they all eat each other on the plane, the team. So I was almost, I had a big scar on my head. I remember, I got banged my head at 5 o'clock in the morning. I had this big scar when I went in for that movie alive.

And I came close. And I was close on an Oliver Stone movie. I was a young guy. He said, Oliver likes you. He never picked up his head, born on the 4th of July. It were like big movies that I was like, I was being like, you know, I know who I was a good sign. That was a good sign.

That people are like you. They like you. You like you. Roar is a button, but they fucking like you. And then I nailed a pilot the year before NYPD Blue. I had with Whit Thomas. It called me on the door. And the guy goes, you got to get on the plane, baby.

I didn't like the... I go, what? Tomorrow morning you get a test. I came out to L.A., man. I was walking around this fucking Sunset Boulevard with a powder blue leisure suit. This is what I wore. I went to the CBS. Jeff Saganzky was the president.

And I went in front of CBS with a powder blue leisure suit. Peter Dobson was the star. He had a lot of pilots back there. Yeah. And I had a hat on my head and I went back to my agents after the fucking, I remember I was going up against this other guy from Chicago. And the guy was a nice guy. He goes, you're going to get the part, not me.

I said, I don't know. I don't know shit. And then my agent goes, well, they said, the guy said, you look like the lead guy. I went crazy. I said, what? I don't look anything like that fucking guy. You're not going to give it to me for it because I look like the guy. The guy called the agency, Peter Dobson.

He lied me. He said, don't worry, don't worry, you're going to get it. Just go back home. Let them bring in guys with blonde hair and blue eyes. You watch, you're going to get this pilot. I was so fucking angry. I don't look nothing like you, Peter. He goes, I know, I know.

I was so pissed, man. I fucking went home. I sweated it out. Wait a second. So Peter Dobson was the lead. He was the lead. He read with me in front of the network. Some guy named Jeff Saganz.

the president The president goes He looks like him And so And when I went back to Abraham I know I said I don't look nothing like the motherfucker Pete I don't look like you

He goes I know Just a yes to him and shake his hand So fucking funny And then they casted me With Mitchell Woodfield Who was in Who was the other guy

Who was in my cousin Vinnie And And the funniest thing happened To me in L.A We were at the Formosa Cafe with Peter Dobson and I'm fucking really naive and he goes hey Jody Forster's there and my brother knew Jody Forster and I don't know I was gonna I was gonna go up to her and they go you know Jody's a dyke or something like that no this is a true story so I'm on the telephone

talking I don't know if it was my brother or somebody I go yeah I met Jody Jody Foster Jody the Dyke I yell it loud the table is she's right there. She was fucking like a piece of bread or a napkin like threw it at me. These guys were peeing in their pants. I had to tell my brother I said, yeah I called Jody Ford's dude. Like

I didn't know she was right there. They go did she throw it at me mean? And they were like no she threw it at you like giggling like what's wrong with you? So you know the next day in the studio they were like oh Jody the Dykes looking for you. They wouldn't stop. Wouldn't let me live it down.

But my God they put me at the Mondrian hotel. I was living the dream. I had a pilot, better days. I wore a turban in one scene. And the show didn't get picked up. I remember in the spring when I were not getting picked up. I was like, oh, fuck. There goes my career. And then the year later,

I was up for fucking NYPD Blue. But then they were like, you know, is he Mexican? Is he this? I said, I could be, as a Puerto Rican. Tell them I'm a little Puerto Rican. Because they liked me, but they said, does he have any Hispanic blood? You know, and I was, you know, I was like, yeah, I got it somewhere in my ass.

I don't know. Don't fucking take it away from me because I'm not Puerto Rico. I'm New York. I'm New York. This is a New York show. So they kept me on a fucking string for like a few months. And my agent was like, don't worry, baby. You're going to get it, honey.

You're going to get it. And I didn't know. I was like, are you sure I'm going to get it? I had a nervous break down. I had to take a leave of absence when there's a dormant because I got sick. This Morrie got. Who? Leave this agent.

Marty Leesack, he's a big agent But he used to talk like that Hey honey What the fuck are you doing? We had a great relationship You motherfucker What happened to the dude who stole the check? The check?

Oh, that guy, no, he's a criminal Six grand Oh, that guy with the bulging eyes No, Marty's big shot Marty went to CIA That guy was a criminal Why I ever let that guy in my life Tells you how stupid

And dumb and crazy I am Because people said I had a guy, came over my house when the bulging eye guy was hanging around and he said Nick is that guy with you and I said yeah they said you can't have a guy crazier than you represent you can be crazy because you're an artist this guy's out of his fucking mind and I didn't know he was a criminal he stole the money and then gave me a check that bounced after he fucking stole the money then I told I said you're fucking dead not only did you steal the money I caught you and now you give me a check that bounced

top of it. What a fucking club, the big bulging life. I'm doing World Trade Center. He's behind Nick Cage and everybody. And Nick Cage goes, does he represent you and your brother? I was like, no, Nick, he's a little wacky. I got to get rid of this guy. I got to get him out of my life. I had a great agent. I had a great agent.

It was a UTA. So you didn't get him out of your life. I did. But he got fucking, he was embezzling money or yeah, he went to jail. He used to call me from jail. I said, don't call me no more. I don't want to I don't want to hear this shit. How much time did he do? I take him to a fucking meeting I tell him shut the fuck up in the room. Don't open your mouth

because one time I was at an HBO meeting. I'm pitching something my brother's on the phone his mouth almost opened my brother said who was in that room I said some fucking wacky bandage you go don't don't bring that guy. Don't bring that guy in the room I said yeah I know I know because I tell

him shut the fuck up I said no shut the fuck up keep your mouth shut they're here to meet me this is a meeting about you know I'm about talent you don't know you're gonna fucking say stupid shit

you look like Johnny Gumbach with bulging eyes dressed apart you're supposed to be a manager oh what I could write a movie about this fucking guy and his name is one of the names on Seinfeld that's the hilarious thing it's one of the characters on Simon that's his fucking name I tell you something when he used to come to the center

of the longest shot you remember him Yeah, I'm out of his mind. I saw him afterward. I went somewhere. He didn't get me that job. He didn't get me the job. No, here's the funny thing.

I went somewhere and somebody I knew got up from a table and came over and said, alone me, I gave him a hug. Right. And where he went back to sit, that dude was there. So immediately, he came over and said, hello. He used to stick out like a sore thumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I met him in church. years ago. I didn't know. Yeah. This is where I fucking met him in church. And you know, I had my suspicion about him. But I was always like, you know, always like street guys. I had this stupid way about me.

I was established with UTA with legitimate fucking people. Not Johnny Gumbachro bulging eyes. Who are there other clients? Who, him? Yeah, who is that? Where I was? I was his biggest client. And he would drop my name, but you look bad.

If you go, Nick is with him, that doesn't look good for Nick. Nick's got to be with somebody that, when I had Marty, had good people. You know, I walk in the room at WB, I got a deal. CBS, I got a deal. Can't bring this lunatic into a fucking meeting with CBS? They're going to go, why are you with this man? I got to put a cork in his mouth. Because he just would sound like a buffoon.

He dressed like it. I'd yell at him. He'd go, yo, he's trying to hurt my feelings. I rob it. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. When you go in the room, act apart. Play your part.

Don't open your mouth. Don't get in my way. It's not about you. I'm here. I was a good pitcher back then. I knew how to fucking pitch. And then a maniac like this could fuck me up. Just look on him.

Lee's going through changes. I don't think I want to be a manager anymore. Why not? Let me tell you, that guy, my hair rises. You see it? I see it. You say when I see it, you know it. You know it right off the bat.

I should have known better. I'm really, that was a really, everybody in my life told me, why are you with him? But he was a hustler. And he would, you know, and I was at the time I got like, you know, I'm not getting the attention, this, that. But you don't opt that way. You don't go from the major leagues to like some fucking, you know,

international bullshit league playing with this guy. because he looked bad You know So I thought I figured Let me give him a chance And then I started going to other agents But he was always He was just a disaster this guy

To have him You know represent you Just look bad for you Sounds like Bill Murray And what about Bob He just kept falling you Even after he didn't You had to see his eyeballs

You had to see his eyes You could tell He was crazy He's bugged out He is fucking bogged out I don't know if he was doing drugs I don't know No

Figure out if he was doing drugs. He still calls me. You know, hey, buddy. And I'm like, oh, my God. So he had to pay restitution. Yeah, he paid restitution. He's in Vegas now. What's he doing?

I don't know what the fuck he does. God bless him. I don't wish him any harm. He's not a bad guy. Those guys just keep going. Those guys. I was one of those guys, so I know exactly how. You know, but I always, you know, I always liked an attraction, the street guys, this, that.

I was like lunatics, but this is business. You can't have a. Unatic on your team when you try if you're a little wild in the room that's different You're artistic you're creative they understand that but you have your business guy who's a wacker Do that don't look good you're like well why is he that doesn't fit why are they together and I used to get some weird You know I used to try to cover it up and play it off like ah yeah he's he's okay he's a hustles It's not a bad guy means well you know right and say about take him on the side just just just don't say Don't say nothing.

Don't open the eyeballs. That's the eyeballs that really got people. He freaked people out. The body language. I mean, you know, he's a character that if I ever write that character, you know, into something. Fantastic. Nick, let me tell you something about it. Fantastic.

Way before Lee had to be, it's 2017. This had to be 2002. I was stuck Lee. I didn't know what the fuck they do. And I met this dude. This dude hit me up on the hot man. He's a record producer. He's worked with all these people,

but he wants to switch into comedy. Comedy's making a comeback, brother. Let's do this comedy thing, man. I want to tape your first CD type special. I got contacts in HBO. I was like, okay, I met him a few times. Never asked me for money or nothing. This went on for about six months.

I'm looking at this guy one day, bro. He had no fucking teeth. Holy shit. He had, like, cracker. teeth. How many days did it take you to realize that? I don't want to look at people, man. I would look at his eyes. You know what I'm saying? I wouldn't look at his fucking mouth. He had all rotten

fucking teeth, and he's telling me that he was a record producer, but now I'm thinking I'm like, oh boy, I made a mistake. All right, he gets me a spot. There used to be a club downtown. I don't know what happened to it. They moved like 10 times. They were just fucking thieves, these people.

I did a showdown on there when I did Tom Likis. You know what, man? At the time, Nobody knew who Joe Diaz was. Nobody knew who I was. But there was 40, 50 people there. This guy comes over at the end of the night gives me like $35.

Like, are you fucking kidding me? That's the night and get into the fight with Ernie G. It was just a horrible fucking night. But in the meantime, this guy was supposed to tape both shows. He had people there. He had brothers there. Look at dogs. I'm going out of pocket for you, man.

You're going to be the first audience. this on my label. And he had wires and microphones. A week went by, two weeks went by, he finally called me back. He goes, can I buy you lunch tomorrow?

So the next day he tells me, man, I don't know how to tell you this. Something happened in that bar. The temperature just zapped the recording. What happened? The record. I don't know what the fuck happened.

They didn't tape it. They didn't even tape it. There were nothing. They weren't taping it visually. They were taping it audially, you know, like for a CD typed it. Yeah, but there was, listen, you know, and I should have known, I mean, you know, I don't know what happened to me. I was, at the time, I think I was a little frustrated, a couple of pilots that almost got on the air. And my agent had, he had big, big clients, too.

Big TV guys, Drew Carrey, all it. But he was great. We were, you know, we had a great, and I don't know. I just was like, all right, I'll give this guy a shot. But, you know, you let someone like that in your life. You know, you don't let people like that. You don't let people in like that. This is business.

They could screw you up. Because, you know, who you're with is a reflection on you. So, you know, you walk in the room with this guy, Johnny Gombach from, you know, he thinks he's Johnny Gombach, but he's really like a character of himself. It was just bad. You know, I was telling Lee, before you came, we're talking about managers and agents. And I was telling Lee about when I first moved, you had the manager. And he was the only guy that he sat me down.

And then he goes, listen, your comedy career is not going to blow up. He goes, I can't sell you except the three people in this town like you. And one of his Mitty Shaw, because I think you should start going in for this character. Nick, this guy would send me in auditions those days. I couldn't handle him. I'd fall apart in the seams. Men in black. I went in for a bunch of big movies.

You did. It's hard. In the early days, I'd go in there and see actors. I'd shit my pants. But you know what? He got me chops. And he had a plan,

and his plan worked. And you know what? Years ago, when I was trying to really work hard at comedy a couple years ago, this is the Malook I am, I would look at comedy clubs. And if certain comics worked at that comedy club,

about wouldn't work there. There's times that mid-level managers have approached me that are pretty decent, but I don't want to be with the people in their lineup. They might have a comedian. I don't want to be next to that lineup. I don't want him name, his name, and my name mentioned in the same circle. Right. You have to look at all those things. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So. Why is a, uh, an audition for like a big like men and black movie different? I know like the location's different maybe. Is that it? Like the location and the people you're doing it for.

Like, why is it? Okay, okay. So let's say I go to not Hollywood Gawa. Let's say I go in for a mid-level movie. I'll go on somewhere on sunset. When I booked 18 Wheels of Justice, it was a place across the street from the strip club. What's the strip club on sunset there? That almost burnt down.

The Jews burnt it down on Christmas three years ago during Hanukkah so they could have out. It was a Hanuk. We wouldn't burn nothing down. We let the candles on. What's that on sunset strip? Close to the comedy store. Yeah, by the comedy seven fell? Is it the seven fell? The body shop. No, no. The body shop. It's the body shop.

This place was a little building, Lee, and you went in there, you took an elevator up to the third floor and you sat in the hallway, you signed your name, and you went there. Now, forget that shit, Lee. Forget that. Forget that shit, bitch. You got to drive on to Sony

studios down there wherever the fuck it is you got a drive on you get out of your car you got the side you got your headshot it's a beautiful day to be alive you're breathing fucking oxygen on the walk there you see shows to the taping

you're just in a different environment you have no fucking idea okay sometimes you go to Sony and you walk past Adam Sandler's office and you keep walking whatever you know what for the minute you walk in there your fucking adrenaline's pumping And now you go up, you sign your name.

You studied this audition for 12 fucking hours. You know it inside out. You don't have to put your fucking glasses on. That's killing me. You got to put your glasses on mid-read, you know? You have to know those lines. And you have to prepare that audition already for the second callback. So when I go in there, in those days, if I went in there for the first time, that would be the first fucking read.

So think about that, Lee. Here you are walking on a fucking studio where films are shot. Because there's good studios and bad studios. Well, no, no, no. You're on a fucking studio where films are shot. For a guy like me, that was never going to happen. That don't happen for a lot of people. Just to walk in the studio freely to go all the way down there.

I remember going in for NYPD Blue at Fox and walking all the way to the Boschgo fucking building. But here's the beauty of it. I go all the way down there. It's a nine-page audition for a Colombian, drug deal. I meet Danny Trejo at the audition, okay? On the walk out,

I'm walking slow, kind of depressed, and I blew the audition. And this lady comes out, and she goes, are you here for the audition? And I go, yeah. And she goes read these lines, and the movie was basketball, and I got six weeks on the fucking movie. Really? On the Fox lot? On the walk out of NYPD Blue.

That building was a cool building. That building was tremendous. It was great. It was great. Even's building. But you had a walkout. You had to walk down and it was eight fucking miles. When it's 80 degrees and you got black leather on because you're playing Johnny bananas. You got a black valour warm-up suit on and you wait 350.

It's hot. And you're sweating the Coke and the weed and the Chinese food out of your system. Did you read for the producers? Okay, so I went in for NYPD Blue and they liked me the first time. And right away, a week. a week later they called in

for something else if I would read for a janitor or something and I went in for a janitor and I didn't get it I wasn't Spanish enough all right they wanted to be Puerto Rican or Dominican I'm Cuban dog it's a different Spanish I don't get it and then

I didn't hear from them for like a month and I got a call one day Jeff Gatlin calls me he goes listen I got a big fucking audition for you tomorrow you have a coach and I go fuck yeah he goes well get this Jeff Gettlin loved those Latin auditions and at the time I was already starting to hate him I could see that I couldn't sell they would say thank you for coming in and when I did go to producers the producers always go are you even Spanish right

you know I'm saying I go God damn it God damn it yeah because I think you might be Italian you might be yeah yeah no so I get this thing and it's a a fucking Colombian drug dealer. God damn it. And it's a good one. It's like, I don't know what the fuck it was. It was like nine pages or something. Wow.

I go in there, Danny Trejo's there, a bunch of other Spanish dudes are there. I ship my pants and I see Danny Trejo. He's in heat. Yeah. What are my chances? He's in heat. Yeah.

I've done a fucking nothing. I do spots at the comedy store. I went in there and just fell apart. Well, I'm not trying to be rude, but would you and Danny Trejo go off of the same role? They would look at everybody. They're looking at Spanish. They're looking at Spanish people.

Okay. And then he got it. Really? A warm-up suit. He wore the warm-up suit. If you go back, 1998. Yeah, I was there. Yeah, 1997-98.

When you finally went on, I wasn't there. No, no, I went on years later. But I did so bad at that nine-page audition. He didn't call me in again. I went to acting class at Ivana Chubbick, and I told the coach, and I go to the bathroom, yeah. Yeah. And he told me.

write him a letter and I wrote him a letter and they brought me into something and I booked it let me do the shoutouts go ahead my right buddy don't guy go to the bathroom over here I got to do shoutouts on you right run run run I'm off the air here what is it downstairs leave no right next door I'm not tired of yeah I got to do the original shout out right here for my boys down in Midland motherfucking Texas to Isaac at the boys Mike Duffy loves you guys. Take care of that cocksucker. Also, Smiles Panero,

martial arts chat, Dom De Niro, my main man, Matt Balthasar, Space Monkey Sean, Jacob, Cabillo, Lorne Rosenka, my brother, there he is, Chris Miller, and the Dead Squad motherfucking family. Happy 2017. What's going on there, Tarzan?

How are you feeling over that? I'm feeling really good. to have you around. Caluca Casino is sold out. It's a small room. But Cleveland, Uncle Joey's coming. I'm coming for Steeper Mayo Chick. It's over.

I said it correctly. I know. You can't do that ever again. I can't sue it over again. No, no, that's weird. I don't like it. I'll be there next Thursday, Friday, and fucking Saturday. Ready and rock, cock suckers.

What's going on with you, brother? I'm doing really good, but I... I can tell. You're going through changes right now. to change, but I really feel like you missed your calling as the member of a Cuban traveling band. I feel like that must have been

the life. We were watching those videos before and blew my mind. I just, like, I could do the cowbell and then like travel the world. That just seemed like you were born to do it. Well, you keep talking that nonsense. I'm not going to give you edibles no more.

Fucking people, they eat this weed, and all of some, they get all fucking psychological on me. Let me talk to you about something. I'm 53 years old. I went to New York City. It wasn't until I went to New Jersey where I met Italian people. I must have gone to Italian restaurants as a kid. But once I got the real fucking taste, when I went to Jersey,

I think I first discovered Italian food at Catholic Church. Sister Angelo and stuff like that would make the fucking lasagna, but that wasn't none. It's till I moved to North Bergen, bro. And I felt love it. It took me away from Cuban food. It took me away from cheeseburgers. To me, I had always eaten spaghetti with meat sauce. I had never seen spaghetti with sauces, meatballs, and fucking reggaht cheese, and crushed pepper and the cheese.

I had never seen that shit before. It blew my fucking circuitry. So for fucking 40 years, everybody tells me about their fucking, you got to taste my grave. You got to come over on Sunday. You got to chase my grave. do this you got to do that now after 20 years you're telling me you gotta taste my gravy so what's the story tell me the whole fucking story about nicky hot sauce my niggie red sauce all right tell me well i fucking story i started making a sauce and uh you know fucking around with it and uh i first came out

to l-a and i you know i started making it on my own and sausage and pork and you know it got better and better over the years let's open it out open up yeah let's put the mooluka on it's friends and family and then when i did chuck and larry i made some sauce for adam and kevin james had some of it and you went wild so who made that i said i did so then his brother told me why don't we find a guy to mass produce it so years ago we actually did make the sauce is this a new batch and old this is a brand new this is a sample laughing because last week my friend made a slice of pizza sent it to me for christmas while the show was was going.

Lee kept looking at it. He had aluminum fall on it. He kept looking at it, looking at it. And he killed it. Like, when the show was over, he just destroyed that slice of it. But we had this sauce. Well, let me taste it. Years ago, right now.

Let's get a different tomato now. This company's interested. So the guy that made it originally, did a new batch of it, but it came out fresher. And I think better than it was even, and even, you know, like my son had it. And he was like, wow, it's not your typical sauce jar. I'm not toot my own horn. It's pretty damn good for a jar on the sauce. Thank you, sir.

Tremendous. I'm telling you, it's a high-end sauce. Not cheap to make it either. It's really good. Very good, ain't it? It tastes the cheese in it. What cheese? Isn't the cheese?

No? No, maybe. It's just hot. No. It tastes like there's pommergum cheese, no. That's why you eat that lizard meat, and you don't know what it is. So this is the, this is the Nikki Red sauce in the jar right now. What do you think?

It's up there. I mean, I've tasted a bunch of high. high-end sauces, I think this, they don't even come near this. It's tremendous for a jaw sauce, right? Is it gluten-free? Well, this one's probably not gluten-free. So that's what this guy now, it might be a little concerned about it. But the tomato he used, this pastine tomato, gave it a fresher feel, like a lighter feel.

It cooked it with a pork rib bone, but it doesn't stay in there. That's why it's got that nice flavor, because they use this pork. But we could probably make something without the rib bone, maybe just one with the rib bone. And then the other is maybe for the gluten-free people. And we can make a few of those. So rib bone is what has glutenity? No, it makes it not vegan. It makes it not vegan.

They don't want that. They think it's not healthy that way. But taste the sauce. Does this feel like pretty healthy to you? I think it does. I don't feel no acid. I don't. We taste it again.

Taste it again. You don't know that they don't. Lee, why are you sitting there with short arms? Tasting. You're going to look like this thing. Wishing you could drink this fucking thing. Sure. What are you kidding me?

You need more breath. What would mean? Just watching a hawk to make sure you don't double dip. Yeah, with that fucking double dip. What do you mean? Everybody gets on me about that. What do you mean who? I don't mind the double dip.

Everybody yells about, yells at me. You got a double dip. Now I'm going to have to refrigerate it, but it's all right. We opened it. Who cares? It's so you like it, right? It's fucking pretty good. But, well, you guess.

some money behind it, we'll see. Yeah, Lee. Try it again. Now, if you just have it, you don't know that maybe it was cooked with a ribbone. To me, it tastes very, very fresh.

That's what I like about it. It's not heavy either. No, it's like, I tried it on pasta. The guy from, he's from Connecticut. This guy, John Astorita, and I call Ultimate Foods. He goes, Nick, it's one of the best. I make sauces for a lot of people.

He goes, your sauce, this one, your recipe, one of the best jar sources. Now, let me ask you this. How much money does it take to launch a company like this? It takes a decent amount of coin. A mill? No, less than that. Half a mill.

Probably. Yeah. And you're getting into Whole Foods or shit like that. Those kind of stores. I mean, this company that might be interested in packing it, maybe they would just give me a royalty. But if they'll do everything and put it out there, I could be like, you know, be like the Paul Newman, whatever.

I mean, no one can be as big as Paul Norman. But I don't mind if they'll, you know, give me a decent royalty. until you're not just completely, I don't want to just give it away because it's a good product. And from this sauce, we can make three or four flavors. You need a couple of flavors to be seen.

Because in the supermarket, if you have just one flavor, they'll never find you. So you're going to have three, four, five flavors. Ragoo has ragu, ragu mushroom. You have basil and tomato or mushroom. Get some sauce, though. Yeah.

With some sauce, this shit. Nicky red sauce is holding on. I feel like I'm in prison right now. Like we eat out of a jar, bread. I know, but it's great, right? It's tremendous. You dip the fucking salt. You dip the bread in the...

What's better than that? You got to have more wine, Joey. Huh? You should have at least a sip of wine with the sauce. Yeah, a little vino. What are you? I got to try. No, I got to try it.

I'm impressed. I'm tell you. I mean, I always knew it was good, but it came out even better. Look at the color. The color is fucking good, right? It's red for all the audio listeners. It's a deep, rich red. It's nice.

It's beautiful. Yeah. It's all your fans out there. They would love this. Nicky Red sauce. So what are the main, can you tell some of the main ingredients? I can't give away my recipe. No, never ask you that.

You have a website and everything? Not yet. Not yet. We're working on it. Yeah. And we'll let you know people. Yeah, we'll let you know. This is a good fucking sauce.

Thank you. I don't fuck around. I mean, I'm not going to put out something. I got water for you. You don't have to go down deep. You just say, you're not really in Cuba. We're just stimulating. You know what I'm saying?

Look at you. Lee, how are you feeling? What do you got planned for the weekend? What I got planned for? I have a little bit of work and then. Good shit, huh? You're not ziplining or mini bike ride. I saw this newly zip line I want to do.

It's so cool. They set you up so you can go like flat and you zip like flat like an arrow. That's what you need. That's what Obama can drop dumps you. Oh, there's a, there's one in Dallas. But it's only thrills. I have to go there I'm under the weight thing

it's cool you're never under the weight thing I am too stop bullshit the last time you almost took the whole tree down they threw them out and they were a Yahoo

report on him he yelped them I don't want to eat you cook Joey no I'm terrible you don't do anything you know man I know how to dope up shit

yeah like when I live in Colorado I take Prego and I put some meat in there some sausage some onions garlic, some wines, some... I just doped up shit. I don't know how to make some.

Let me show you this cowboy steak I made the other night. Want to see a fucking pretty steak? Now, what's a cowboy steak? It's like a giant, it's a giant ribby. They call it like, they call it a tomahawk steak. But it's fucking big on a big bone, two and a half, three pounds. And they come out with it this time of year, like Costco had it. It's delicious.

It's some fucking steak. You slice it nice and it's big, but you can't overcook it. I'll show you this thing. This thing is freaking nice. So you're a chef too. Yeah, I'm all right. You make the sauce, you act, you're right, you're producing. Yeah, I'm creative.

You know, I am. My father. You're a man of many fucking ass. Look at that badass rib-off. That thing is beautiful. That's beautiful, right? Show Lee, he'll fucking pass out. I love ribba.

I can't eat things. No, this is a tomahawk lead. That's a beautiful. That's a great steak. That's a big steak. Oh, yeah. It comes on a big stick. Two and a half, three pounds.

And then I made a little. A little, I made a little fazzul. This came out great with the eschero. Eschadol and beans. That's what you called pasta fazzou. Oh, I love that shit. That's what we called it fazzul. Fazzu.

This thing that's, that's the fucking beans and escarro. That's the best. Listen, you rub that on your herpes sauce. That's right. You're fucking done. You got HIV. You eat that shit, you're done.

You want to eat a crack cooker. You eat in pasta fuzzle, you're done. Now look at the sauce I'm eating on. Your immune system, the whole fucking. That's what I need. That's why I felt... A lot of garlic of the possible thing. Then I made my lobster sauce the other night.

Did you? Check this shot. I killed the lobsters. Then I put them right in the fuck. I buy them live. I kill them and then I put them in the sauce. The sauce is unbelievable. It's lobster sauce.

Look at that. Is that a fucking sauce or what? So you put the lobsters in this sauce? Yeah. Like that sauce, I get the lobsters. I have to kill them first. I feel bad. And then I crack them open.

They get all the lobsters. Just put them in the Nicki red sauce and it comes out like an incredible lobster Pribi Dioblood. Oh, tremendous. Oh, over Linguini to die for. With some clams and some shrimp on the side. Who's better than you? Right.

Nobody. Nobody. You get a hard on for 10 days. You got to call the physician, the surgeon, your priest. Viagra, oh my God. What a thing, huh? What do you got going on for 2017? Talk to me, my brother.

You got the sauce. Got the sauce. I got this pilot I'm shooting this month. This thing called Over the Hill. I wrote Bentley Evans. Zaida's going to be in it. Mikey wraps. A bunch of people.

Mike Starr. You might come in and do something. That Tia Carrera in it. I got a whole bunch of people that are going to be in it. So doing that. Then I got this movie coming out this month. Warner Brothers, the Justice League. I'm a voice.

It's a big deal like for all these people. These comic book fans, a D.C. movie that I did. So that's coming out this month. And then next month, There's a little thing called the eyes that I was in that got a theatrical release. And then I'm trying to get a Southern movie off the ground. It's a faith-based movie.

Nice script. I want to get into that whole freaking fate-based crowd. There's a lot of opportunities there. But I actually got a nice script called Call Me Luke. You could be good for something in it. Yeah, it's a good script. Trying to do that for like, you know, a small budget. But I got to start, you know, I got to make something.

I mean, this is the other thing. I got to try to sell it. I got to get my ass, you know, my own thing because I mean I can do it I just need the right network the right people to pick it up and give me a shot you should make a mill here a mill there no there hell mill here a mill there you know Lee what's going on over there you're going through changes you're in my crust give him some more sauces over there he's dry over some you want some more Lee sure sure all right yeah yeah you got a boyfriend no you ain't got a boyfriend why because you're hanging out

with those lemons they're lemons they're coconuts you're hang out with small people you get smart friends. You hang out with yo-yo people. You get yo-yo friends. Simple mathematics. I love those lines. I'm always thinking about that. You got a boyfriend, I'll tell you why. Because you're hanging out with coconuts. They're coconuts. They're lemons.

Is that one of the best movies, Rocky, the original Rocky? It's beautiful. Like Stallone was so beautiful in that movie. Even the way he looked, everything. He was so innocent. All right. Good night, Marie. There you go, Lee. Thank you, sir.

All right, buddy, enjoy yourself. Pieces tossed at a little. I'm hanging up, God's a second. What's up? You want this house? So you guys are special. I brought you guys a fucking sample jar. Delicious.

No, that's tremendous. Thank you, man. I can't imagine. I can't imagine how this would be on pizza. Oh. A nice little pizza. I don't know if you want to put that on pizza because it's so good. There's an art to making pizza, too.

You know what? How do you like the new haircut? I look younger. I've been going with the look younger with the new hair cut unbelievable I can't believe it's been all those years as we did the movie this guy's sending me here we go these guys

I sent you a 20 page presentation on one of these days you'll learn to trust me I don't trust anybody you know I don't know the food business because like Paul he goes what do I know about the restaurant I don't know how to make a restaurant he's not order and eat you know anything about the fucking joint

and he's like what he says he can be there so much I want you got to be a stoolie. We're watching that last night with the kids watching Goodfellas. Laugh my fucking ass off. That Joe Pesci. Oh my God. I'm in the weeds of sea corks. Yeah,

there's big pricks coming around here. I'm resting. I heard you say resting. Yeah, I'm resting. I love that. That movie every time it comes down. I stop.

It's so funny. The movie is so funny. It's become a comedy like Scarface. Yes. It's like Scarface. You want to laugh. You pee at lines that. Where are you going, man?

You're chicken. I got a lot of things to do The lines that are not even jokes But that funny Yeah, yeah, yeah, Montana Hey Montana I want to talk to you I got you got a you want a green card

What do you got to do? What do you got to do Go to Cuba hit the bin Yeah Somebody else Or somebody else Yeah You tell me it be a pleasure

To kill a communist If there's it Those movies now Like for me When I see a time I can watch it for 10 minutes 15 minutes And I get sad.

I know. I get really sad. I know. You know what? That was something that... I was great. I still remember when that came out, going to people's houses and staying there until 8, 9 in the morning, doing Coke while that movie was on over and over.

You know, it's great. And it's sad to the ending. You know, you feel bad. He goes on the other night. It was on the other night. And when he's telling his sister, I'd beat with you. I'd beat with like a little boy. But, you know, if he didn't kill Manolo, they might have killed all those Chabotos.

That's what my father said. My father was funny. He used to get into movies and say, Nicholas, he should have never killed Manolo. They would have killed all those motherfuckers. And it's true. He's like, he never should have killed his best friend. You know?

All right, they got married. He was all a Coke, you know? All that cocaine. Fucking. He didn't have him, Nicky Red sauce. Yeah, Mickey Red sauce. Mickey Red sauce. We might.

The acidic from the Tomatoes. Mickey Red Sox. It's from the Totoro. It was from the Totoro. I got to bring Johnny into this. Let me tell you something. If you had Nikki Red sauce, the acid from the tomatoes kills the cocaine and makes you go to sleep. Right, right.

That's why you have a slice of pizza to soar up. You know why the oil from the pizza. If you eat a slice of pizza, you won't get blasted. There's something about pizza and the oil. It'll help you not to get a hangover or get really blasted. Have a slice of pizza before you're going to drink. No. No.

Really? Or back in New York, the best fucking thing, we go to White Cattle. Get 30 belly bombs later night. I love a white castle two of them is the limit oh two I get two double steam in Seattle do you remember that old place dix we went up to the dix But it's not bad it ain't it ain't white castle white castles you gotta get him steamed That's how I do it yeah he always get two double steamed yeah French how many can you eat Pepsi two just two belly bombs too my son could probably eat like what 10 he's fucking young I had friends like 45 of them 15

Yeah, he could eat. Yeah, yeah. When you're fucking 18, you can eat 20 of those motherfuckers. You got a big appetite. I don't even want to ask how many of you could eat. I don't like them. I don't like that. I don't like onions.

I don't like that. How you feel, brother? You all right? Uh-huh. I'm starting to go through changes. He's going through changes. See him now, boy. You ready for another star?

Sure, why not? Fuck it. You're eating sauce. The sauce is fucking delicious. I can't stop. It's just put them in the sauce. It's delicious. It's delicious.

Thank you. Tell you listen, is Nicky Red sauce. Follow me. Follow me on Twitter. You know what I mean? You guys got this thing is going to be good. We need the support. I'm sitting here.

And I really don't like a sauce that's not warm ever. Yeah. I was going to, and I was like, you know what? I'm going to try a cold. Sometimes you have a sauce and you can take it's too olivey. It's two of this. You guys want to taste it? It's two of that.

Get a piece of bread. Hurry up before I kill that. When I was their age, I've never liked. Just tomato sauce. Bray. Oh, this is delicious. This is how you eat, man, Lee. Eat like a champ over here. That's good.

This is old school fucking peasant type shit. Yeah. That's what we do, you know? Let the prosciud out, put the mozzarella. A bottle of wine. Some water. Some olives. A couple toots chutz.

Some stars of death. Let me move on with our lives. We'll be back next week, people. I love you at all my fucking heart. Like I said, Kaloosa sold out, but I'm in Cleveland. At Hilarity, start next Thursday. Nick Tatura, once you get the sauce going and we'll bring you back on, it's delicious. Thank you.

You know, I wouldn't even bring. I don't bring food people, never. Your family, you said it's the best. It's the best, Jack. Thank you, bro. Lee, what do you got going on this weekend? What are you going to do? You got a zip line?

No long. You're going back to Long Beach to the zoo. You left your hat. No, I'm, I'm, you know, the traveling man this weekend? I'm traveling. All right. I love you, Cogsucker. Oh, hold on.

Thank you, Joe. I was just going to say. Let's do real quick. Listen, people, you know I don't play games at you guys. I've had this thing for three months now, and I love it. Hello, Tushy.com. Why do I love it? Because it's a bidet.

What does a bidet do? I let Uncle Joey tell you. It shoots hot water and your muffler. That's it. Think about that right now. Take a minute right now. Rest for five minutes, close your eyes. And think of hot water.

water sprinkling up into your muffler every morning to start your day after coffee because usual all right you sit down you get a little coffee you smoke a cigar cigarette right you take your hot blood pressure medication you smoke a joint maybe two and right away you got to go to the bathroom right there you go maybe maybe i'm missing something on the news but when you sit down now at the end of that 20 minutes you just turn around boom and who's there for you hello Trishy.com. Sprinkling water into your little muffler. Like a sprinkly.

You know what I'm saying? It's like a sprinkler without the Mexican. Just sprinkling water into your muffler. You get up, you wipe it with their new towel. Go to hellotushy.com. They got a little towel that's got different aromas. I forget what the name of it was. I used it two times.

My wife washed it. She didn't give it back to me, but it's fucking tremendous. You understand me? It avoids bacteria. It avoids crotch rot. and just your ass won't smell no more. We all have that problem. Don't be ashamed.

You know, you want to go out at 6 in the morning. You're going to a bar at 8 o'clock at night. What the fuck do you think your asshole's going to smell like? It's polluted. It's polluted. It smells like Tony Montana's wife. You know what I'm saying? That's where HelloTushie comes in.

Hello Tushy's portable and you have the 60-day guarantee. Do me a favor. Go to hellotushy.com right now and press in. Hellotushy.com slash church, I believe. Hellotushy. com slash church. And get what, Lee? 10% off.

10% off, all right. Again, you got a 60-day warranty. I love the fucking thing. They've sold thousands of them. I got emails every week. People are happy. They take pictures with the box. You'll be happy also.

Also, onit.com, bitches. Go there right now. You're making your little resolutions. You want to eat better. You want to sling dick. It starts at on it.com. Whether it's the alpha brain or the hemforce protein or the Mike Doche protein or the, or the new mood or the Shroom Tech Sport,

they got you covered. Go to honor.com and look at all the great supplements they have right now. Go to the box and press in. Church. Boom. Get 10% off. Your first order delivered right to your motherfucking door, all right? And then basically that's it.

That's our show tonight. Again, go to honor.com and go to hellotushy.com and press in. Church. And I'm both. Church, church. And get 10% off your order with a 60-day warranty. It's a beautiful thing for your asshole to be clean, all right? Have a great weekend.

I love you guys. I'll see you Monday. Stay black and have a phenomenal weekend, all right? Don't forget about me. Beautiful. The fuck.