The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #447 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: January 17, 2017

Kate Quigley, Comedian, actress, and host of  the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Indochino - Go to Indochino.com and use code "church" at checkout to get any premium suit for only $389 (thats 50% off the regular price for a made-to-measure premium suit) and shipping is free. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water. Recorded live on 01/16/17  

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to get 10% off of your order. That's hellotushy.com slash church. Kick that, Mulee. Smart Lutha-Mudder motherfucking king day, baby. We could have showed up with some soul music. But this is the fucking soul we're talking about here. The church of what's happening now, bitches. Monday, the 15th of the month, it's halfway there, and you're still dicking around.

Kick that meal, Lee. I want them to feel the fucking passion of the black fucking crows. I want to thank my main man, John Petrovich. Here you go, baby, baby. Why can't you sit still? Lee Syatt. Kate Quigley And your uncle Joey D is top suckers

Here we go Lee kick it Bampamp bam bam bam bam Bown bough Bown bough Are you fucking kidding me Break out that syringe bitch What's happening you bad motherfuckers Kate Quigley in house

Lee Salli at the flying Jew Heavy duty night here on the church Of what's happened now Shroomages Refrages Chalklages To Kee Gleegeley We're going deep into the murky waters of your Christian hang up now.

Joy, when you were, like, going and, like, partying, what was your drink? Because mine was always tequila. That was mine. I used to switch. Fucking Southern comfort, orange juice, fucking, there was a, for a while, I went on that whiskey. What's that of the? There's like an apparetee. It's like a call 36.

It's got a number to it. That sounds expensive. I used to drink rusty nail. I used to drink everything, Lee. When you're a Coke fiend, you drink whatever is in the fucking house. Paint syrup. Cough syrup. Paint dinner.

Whatever fuck you got, I'm mix it with water. I've never done coke and drank paint dinner. Whatever. Whatever the fuck you got. Fucking. You won on his level that you go. That fucking red drink. The red shit.

Hawaiian punch. Yeah. Whatever you got, I'll drink. With rum. You just drank. You just became creative. When you're fucking a fiend, it's five in the morning. become creative. You got tequila

and milk, go. You got fucking chocolate syrup, put it in there too. I think that is how the mudslide was invented. So let me ask you some. So what you're telling me is that all the Asian girls get the hot guys. Yeah, I just said every guy I think has an Asian girl fantasy at some point. Every girl I know who's Asian has

a super hot boyfriend. Really? Yeah. Yeah. In fact, I mean, my ex-boyfriend was Asian. and super hot. He was like 6'3 and he wasn't super into Asian girls.

And I think I kind of developed a fetish for Asian men because I don't have to compete with Asian women. They're the only guys that seem to not be as super into them. That's crazy. I am so fucked up though. I'm literally saying this. I'm like, oh, I'm really fucked up. This makes no sense.

Abort. When I was like fucking 28 and I got into comedy, I was thinking to myself, It would be nice to date, like an Asian girl. They started getting really hot, like, you know. When I came from Cuba, they were still like fucking to themselves. They wouldn't say none. They'd bow.

Nobody would say nothing. But my first girlfriend on paper was really Chinese. When I was like six, I had this little Chinese girl in the first grade. That I would go to a house and play with her, and I'd go to a house and eat. And they'd give me, like, candy with the paper on it and shit. I'm not kidding. You know, they lived on 88th Street. And her father was a designer for Schultz.

So we would always go see the early screenings of like Charlie Brown and all those motherfuckers. So we were like friends all through when I was six and seven. Like her and I would hold hands and shit like that. But then I forgot about the whole thing and I moved on with my life. And then they started getting cute. I don't know what happened. You know, you started saying Asians and they were mingling in white clubs and shit. Not that, you know, was going to clubs.

But then I started dating this crazy girl. and she had a Korean girlfriend. And we all became friends. And she had a boyfriend, and we all became friends. The chick was fucking banging. And one day, my girlfriend came to me and said, I'm moving to New York to go working publicity. And guess what?

The Asian's boyfriend, he had to move to Washington State to pursue his master's degree. So it was like fucking bringing a mouse to the cat. You know what I'm? I just think they're, I think they're just so cute. The girls? Yeah, the girls are petite, but they have little waist.

and their faces, they look young forever. They're beautiful. Yeah. Korean girls, Chinese, Japanese, they're fucking beautiful. I love their body. They love how, like, tiny there. They're really attractive. Yeah, I used to want to be one.

Even like my daughter's godmother's really a knockout. She really is. She's Filipino. She really is a knockout. Oh, yeah, they're beautiful. Yeah, she really is a knockout. I didn't know you dated Asian men. I've dated two Asian guys.

Good. Yeah, yeah. I'm in the Asian guys. I like them. Good. No, you're a fucking savage. I'm surprised. I'll date any guy.

I'll date any kind of guy if he's cool and cute. He can be Asian or he can be whatever. I'm into Middle Eastern guys too, I just found out. Really? Yeah. No shit. Let me. One minute, you're suck of Middle Eastern dick.

The next minute you got a bomb on you. Fucking yelling. No. Save Tehran. Who the fuck knows what they're going to do to you. Next thing you got your eyeballs closed. You can't sniff. You know, who fuck knows?

I don't know nothing about nothing. What the fuck do I know? But that's good that you're out there. You're doing kind. You were in fucking Sacramento last week, which is a great club. And I told you, it's a fun block. They love you. I was out with all the waitresses after the show.

How about my big girl, the big blonde? Oh, wait. Corey, the bartender? No, she's a big, big blonde. She got really big. She went on depression pills or something. Oh. And mixed up with cocktails and it was all over.

She's really nice, though. I love the girls up there. They've been up there for years. Yeah, yeah. They all love you. That's a great club. It's the best. It was so much.

Oh, my God. And down the corner, I got a red lobster. They got the fucking thing across the street. They got the sushi place around the corner. I know. I know because I talked to you and you said, they got a great sushi place around the corner. That plays up until one.

I started asking around about it. Did you go? I didn't get there. Where did you eat the four fucking days you were there? I ate at the club. Did you get the free breakfast? I got room service one day. Yeah, there's free breakfast.

I got room service one day to watch football with friends. it was $60 and it took two hours because they ordered the room service from like a hotel down street. No, no, you can't. There's no room service there. That's, that hotel is simple. You keep it simple. They got one elliptical. Yeah, they got one kettle belt and they got one fucking thing.

It's in a hut. They keep it simple there. There's no drive. It's literally in a hut. It's a hut. It's a hut. I've been staying at that hotel for 15 fucking years and I love it. I love that hotel.

I love the whole block. Why do you switch hotels? Because, listen, the rooms are amazing. It's one of those clubs, you don't switch hotels. Across the street was an Asian barbecue place that Ari would live in there. Ari would call me from that place. Oh, really? I didn't see that.

No, they closed that. And then they have the gap, they have that clothing store across the street off the rack, like Northstrom. Yeah, yeah. So you've got three days of entertainment. Yeah, there's all you can eat frozen yogurt. Yeah, that's right. There's a Starbucks right to have it. One fucking blood.

There's in and out. One block. Yeah. And chilies. You don't need a car. No, you don't need a fucking car. There's a Chili's. There's a place called Twin Peaks, which is like a local hooters.

You want to attract me to your comedy club? I don't need a fucking car. Like Cleveland. Cleveland is 50 fucking yards. I'm so with you. The hotel to the club across the street is that fucking Mabel's barbecue. Oh. Jesus fucking Christ.

That's what you were saying. Jesus fucking Christ. Then they took me to the famous fucking pastrami place. In two days, I went to the best. places in Cleveland. I mean, it was off the fucking chain. Well, you don't really need that many places because whenever I go anywhere with you, the true testament if Joey Diaz

like something is if he goes eight times in two and a half days. I went to Slimans. I did that too. I went to Slimans. Corn beef. They're famous for corn beef. The first time I went there, like in 98, I went in the afternoon. There was a line around the fucking block, but the dude I knew knew people. So we cut

the fucking line. This time there was really nobody there. Just some army guys. And we went in there and got two eggs with That was the day of my sleep ap, my fucking machine broke. Oh, my God. You didn't get any sleep? The fucking first night was horrid. Oh, God.

Let me tell you something. The day was great. I panicked. I really thought I was going to get caught in traffic. I picked a 10.30 a.m. flight, which is a horror show. But it all fucking worked out. Okay? It all worked out.

I got up at 6, and I left at 7.15, and I thought I would get there by 9. I needed to be there at 9.30 to make the 10.30 flight. It was a 10.35 flight, so I needed to be there at 935. So the night before, Lee and I got fucked up, and he set the phone for me for Uber. Not the regular car and not the X, the black car, but the one in the middle, a nicer car. It's like premium or something. Oh, okay. This is only my luck.

You understand me. I didn't even know there was a third level of Uber. No, Lee. It's between Uber X and the black. Now, Lyft started it also now. Lyft has it also now. So I set it for 715. I'm ready to go.

Protein shake. Breakfast. I see the baby. The baby comes out before I leave. I give her a kiss. My wife. I get in the car. He's an Armenian dude.

Lexus. Beautiful. Fucking cuts off half a fucking Burbank Boulevard. Gets on the 4.05. I got to tell you something. I was there in no time. Guy turned out to be great. I gave him a star of death.

I was eating edibles in it. I like that's your tip. Oh, yeah. No, no. I gave him a 20. but I also gave him a star. I thought he was going to say, like, I gave him a five-star rating. No, no, no, no, no.

You're ready for you? I don't even know how to give somebody a five-star ready. So you're ready for me? Yeah. He goes, you want me to pick you up on Sunday? I go, yeah, only an Armenian can figure this shit out. He said, I'll pick you up, but fucking, I'll do the Uber for you in the car, so you don't have to be tremendous. And on the weight, he picked me up, and he picked me up.

He had a drink a gallon of milk. Oh, my God. And he's on new driver. But let me tell you the whole thing. I get into the airport. I walk right through. I mean, it's empty. Boom.

First class ticket, upgrade. Boom. Walk to the gate. I'm gate 85. I walk all the way to gate 89. I'm stoned to the gills. I just ate a rocket chocolate. I ate like three or four stars.

Like right now. At 6.30 in the morning, I'm in my backyard doing bong hits of fucking that carry fish or weed. The original, OG. What is it? And that's late for him. We've been on planes at 4 a.m. Where he's high as far. The NALGs.

Oh, my God. I was gone. And I was, I usually eat at the airport. I was too high to even stay in the house. I'm just going to sit right here. And mind my business. You were too high to eat. The gate was empty guys.

And all of a sudden I hear, help. Help. Help. You motherfuckers. And I'm like, what the fuck? And also the door swings open on gate 89. I tell you about this. You told me, but I didn't know.

I didn't know he came. from the, like, the tarmac. He came for the tarmac. Oh, no. A dude crawling on his arms. And he's like, you motherfuckers left me. United. You motherfuckers.

I hate you. You fucking left me down there. Austin, there's three employees, two black, two black dudes and a black dude is a black chick. And a white dude run to him and they pick him up. He's like, get the fuck off me. You son of a bitch is. I'm going to sue you. And he's young.

This is on the plane. This is not. Or no. Outside. It's still in the airport. still in the airport. Only a couple of people seeing this because the gate was empty. 88 and 89

were empty. 85 was with my gate, which had a few people. I was early as fuck. I was early as fuck. I'm stoned as fuck. And I found this vaping pen that fuck me up. I was smoking on the way in the Uber. So I get to the airport, I'm on fire.

In gums this dude. The black dude runs down, gets the guy's wheelchair. Obviously, the ramp agent left him down there and said, I'll come right back for you. And they closed the door and shit and left him there. He tipped the wheelchair over and crawled up the ramp. No. Listen, this is fucking crazy.

So they get him in his wheelchair. He's like, fuck you. And they're like, is there anything we can do for you? He goes, you made me miss my ride. And he's yelling at him. I'm sorry, kidding. He's yelling at him. He's yelling at him.

Finally, I go, this fucking guy is going to go to jail. And he wasn't, he was white. He was a nice. white dude. I went and I bought a water for fucking four bucks and I brought it to him and I grabbed his arm and in his ear I whispered I go you're going to go to jail stop cursing. It's a federal fucking building

they're going to throw you in jail. I don't give a fuck but he was he's white so he's going I don't give a fog and he's yelling towards them like white people do like trying to yell towards them like fuck them it's all fine it's all fine. Fucked them after what they did to me they left me he was like one of the Rambo's people. They left me

He was such a sweet white dude. That's what I'm trying to say to you. And he goes, I just came to San Antonio. I visited my kids. They ruined my fucking vacation. I'm in a home here for people that have fucked up. And he's a vet and stuff. And he goes, no, I don't know how I'm going to get home.

And he's yelling and he screaming. I had a yardstick in 220's. I just gave him the 220s. And I pushed him a little bit. He said, thank. He ended up being from New Jersey, the dude from like some part of New Jersey in the middle. And we ended up talking a little bit. And then I saw some dude on the cart.

I go, can you give him a ride, please, in a game of a fucking ride? I get to fucking Cleveland. I walk into Cleveland airport. I'm excited. I'm like, I'm here. You know what I'm saying? If I go to the hotel, the two producers were on the plane with me, I was talking to them. The writers of the show I pitched, they were on the plane going to meet with the Brown.

So I said, let's meet somewhere, call me when I get to the hotel. I walked into that airport when I saw a welcome to Cleveland. I was like the Fort Lauderdale shooters. You know what I went in my pocket and took the last star and popped it right under the Welcome to Cleveland, son. Oh, my God. I get to the hotel. I check in.

I go to my room. For some reason, every time I fly, I feel dirty. So I always get off the plane. You too. Wash my pussy. I chase me. And I go do what I got to do. You just feel dirty.

I don't like getting off a plane. You feel so gross. No matter. It could be a 30-minute flight. You feel disgusting. Let me go home, wash my pussy shit. Yeah. Clean my ass right.

I couldn't even shit this morning before the flight. I was nervous. I wasn't going to make the airport. So I just canceled it. Now you've got to fly and drop little farts every 20 minutes and you can smell that death coming out of your muffler. You're like, where's tissue when I need? Your seat doesn't decline. You're in front of the toilet.

You hear everyone shitting. So for some reason, Kate, I went against a grain and I go, I'm not going to take a shower. I'm going to unpack a little bit. And I took my sleep apning machine down. I put it on the counter. Oh, no. I plugged it in. And when I went to plug the back in, I went, z-z-z.

I saw sparks coming out of the wire. I go, oh, no. Oh. And I look at it again. And I try to plug it from a desk. different angle and I go again I try to put the wires together and it's going right that right on me I'm like oh no I called the fucking hotel maintenance dude I go do you have an electrician on staff because yes we do he comes up he's

half retarded you know he got hitting the head with a missile in some fucking country he's like really can't put tape on it I go give me the fucking tape I tried the tape it wouldn't work my body went into shock my whole physical mental being I always knew one day that that day would come where that machine was going to break. Oh, God. So scary. So can you not sleep without it? Here's the deal.

It's dangerous, right? I'm addicted to the machine now. I fall asleep all the time. I fell asleep on the plane yesterday. There's nights I fall asleep in the living room. If I'm sitting and there's an angle, I can fall asleep. If I put pillows up in bed, I can fall asleep. You can fall asleep.

The problem was I didn't have the machine. If you came over tonight and said, Joey try to sleep I see it's mental it's just mental yeah it became mental and from six to nine I ate I got I said you know what I called the doctors but it was six o'clock Cleveland time there was nothing you could do but now I found out there's a service that you joined and it's 24-7 you called them within an hour your machine is there no way that's amazing that's amazing so I go to the restaurant the barbecue restaurant at Mabel's place it was fucking delicious I got a brisk sandwich and I got the baked beans with the jalapenos and the brisket in it

Jesus Christ me when you told me that I thought you were trying to eat heavy to fall asleep no I went back to the fucking good good good good sandwich wasn't that big no it was a design of restaurant it wasn't like a place in Austin it was delicious that's a good idea though to eat heavy to fall asleep yeah that's what I was thinking I went back to my hotel room and just panicked and panicked and panicked and panicked and panicked I called the doctors nobody returned the call by 9 o'clock and become a reality. You know, and it's like when you have that last cigarette,

you could fall asleep. It's when that cigarette is gone. It's really tough. And in my world, it's like being a Coke fiend and somebody blew up Columbia. Yeah, yeah, of course. You can't get Coke no more. Like, at 9 o'clock, that's what it was.

You can't get Coke. You literally can't sleep with that. You're a machine, and now it started messing with my head. Really? Like, so it wasn't, like, I imagine. I had radio at six. Oh. You know, guys.

You're afraid of falling asleep? Because you stop breathing, right? Isn't that what happens? You stop breathing, but if I put enough pillows and shit and put the TV on and sit in a certain position, I can fall asleep. I've lost 100 pounds since the sleep apnea. I'm breathing a lot better. So all these things come into effect. It's not the sleep apnea.

Even though I had a really bad case of it, it's not the sleep apnea. I had when I walked in there, you know, and a lot of it, I blame on the jihitsu. The jihisosos really helped me overcome the fear of being on my back. That back, when you have really severe sleep at me, you basically wake up on your ass every night. You feel like you're suffocating? Oh, my God. You wake up, hole in your chest,

breathing like if somebody choked you, and you're about to fucking die. And it goes like every fucking 15 minutes. I remember taking at one point, when it got really bad, I would take four Tylenolp. That could knock out a fucking gorilla. Wow. And the sleep at me wouldn't allow the Tylenols to let me go to sleep.

Oh, you've got to be so tense. It's like your anxiety kicks up. I would just smoke cigarettes, stay up and fall asleep smoking cigarettes. There'd be burn marks all over the carpet. I had to replace the carpet. Four and all the carpet in that living room because all the cigarettes I fell asleep watching TV. My wife would get up, yeah. Never caught fire.

No, no, no. The sleep happening I had was horrible because I was compounding it with drug use. I wasn't taking care of myself. My diet was bad. I mean, everything was bad about it. So that's why when I went to Jiu-Jitsu, that was the closest thing that I'd experienced to sleep at me. And I said, I can't let this beat me anymore.

So now I can breathe on my back. I don't panic. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's so good. But still, the other night, by 3 o'clock K, I can't tell you what I felt like, because I actually took a pillow and put a laundry bag around it,

put the shower on real hot. And I just went in the shower Because in the old days I could fall asleep in the shower When I first had sleep apnea Really? Yeah In the shower

The steam would open everything up And the slant of the shower That I guess that makes sense Yeah So the shower no matter how it is Some tubs are designer tubs And there's a big slant It's like getting a massage

As you're falling to sleep It's warm Yeah Actually it sounds kind of great Yeah I would fall sleep in the tub I might start doing that It's like my homemade water The reason why I never moved out of Hollywood

It was because it was It was rent control I had parking and it had a boiler the signs of Godzilla's dick you could go to somebody's house and have a three million dollar home and you take a shower after ten minutes water goes always why have a three million dollar house if you have no water yeah I never understood that that always happens same at hotels you ever noticed a more expensive the hotel is no there's the last time the hot water works what the fuck you what the fuck is that I've sat in those hotels for three fucking hours waiting that's no that's why he there's no hot water

for you because at 7 a.m. he takes a three-hour hot shower. I fucking go there should be enough people at the rich Carlton for everyone to take a three-hour fucking shower all day every day. Listen man, I will keep going to that South Point Casino until they have me. They have the best showers. They have the best shower. They do. I would drive off the strip. I'll stay 15 minutes off the strip for that fucking shower. Let me tell you something. That walking shower with the water hitting you from the top and the side walls and the shower and you just I get super fucking high. I'll eat five stars just to take a shot how great is the shower i just know i've just normal the showers right there's nothing like smoking the dope eating listen here's the lineup you get up in the morning you drink a little

coffee right after like 15 minutes to get the appetite going for the eggs and the bacon you take two hits off the magic pipe and you just sit tight you smoke some you drink some more coffee you pop a nicotine gum you get you i'm sorry the magic pipe sure that's that's weed yeah oh okay just checking Just trying to keep track of the... Doesn't have to be killer weed. This is my first drug experience. You just want two little hits to open up your mind nice and early at 7.30. I don't want you to pass out.

6.30, 5.15, whenever your day starts. I would like to take my mind back to there. I would hate... The roughest times of me were being young when we were too stupid to understand why you didn't get up 15 minutes before you had to be there. Up to the 8th grade, we're so stupid because we have to be at school 830 and we want to get up at 8. and just go to school.

Of course. You know, all fucked up. But as you get older, you don't realize that hour and a half before just to sit, realize why the fuck you're doing this, realize why God put you on this planet. And also, I need time to take a shit.

Take a shit and get dialed up and the whole thing. That's the real reason I get up extra early. Have the coffee time. But to get up in the morning and smoke a little bit, just a little bit, do it. Put the join out. Go do some shit. Just get your day.

day started right out your day what you want to do what your aspirations are and then you make breakfast and then after breakfast you fucking take two bigger hits and then you lay your clothes out and then you jump in the shower and why you're in the shower you're plotting your fucking takeover you see I'm saying that's it if you're legit you bang one out if there's nobody around you're bang one out of respect I've never done on the shower maybe I should start oh you come on your feet you don't know what life is like that you come on your feet wait you've never banged going out in the shower. No, I always did it in my head my bed. It's disgusting. What? Yeah, I don't know. Better, better like a dust chair. The shower, though, does it kind of gets me in the mood to do it sometimes.

I'm not a dude. I mean, maybe it's different. Maybe the shower's not. No, you're there. You might as well, you shaved, you shampooed. Yeah, you've bubbled up. You did everything you had to do. You might as well bang one out and leave the house and tip-time shape and no regrets. I don't think I'm not masturbating in the morning. Oh, no one thinks that. Yeah, no one, everyone knows. dressed you go in the fucking car you start your car your car warms up yeah take a breath you look around you've already covered all your bases you got a nourishing breakfast you got high you washed your pussy you did everything that was needed already by 9 a.m. I love it I love starting the day with with an orgasm. I do every day don't you? What's that? Start the day with an orgasm? No this is like

when I'm in a hotel oh okay I am done with morning sex that's it no well I didn't say more I forget you have another person now so it's not the same. I get anxiety now. And the last couple of times I've been breathing too heavy. It's like, you know, if you want a heart attack, fuck around before. Wait, you have morning sex and makes your anxiety worse all day because you're breathing heavy? The last three or four times it's fucked my world up in the morning. Oh.

I love it. I love a monkey in the morning on that shit. But it has given me so much like I get so hot and bothered and my pulse goes up and I can't breathe right. and I can't breathe right This is the most amazing reason I've ever heard For not wanting to have more to say I'm 50 fucking four My heart beats weird

The reason he doesn't want to do He thinks he's going to have a heart attack I think he's going to have a heart attack You want to survive the death Most people have heart attacks Before lunch time He's like I want to fuck But I'd rather survive

The last time I had to get up The last time I had to get up The last time I had to get up Walk outside and get there with a towel on My wife's like I had to hold my heart and breathe I got pale yeah In the middle of the morning sex.

Yeah, something happened to me. Like my vow went crazy. I don't know what the fuck happens. I'm like, that's it. You know, I'm not a huge fan of morning sex anyway. Why? Because this is the thing. The only time I want morning sex if it's like fake morning sex where I kind of half woke up

while he was still sleeping and I freshen myself up a little bit and then came back and pretended to be asleep, then we have it. Otherwise, I feel grungy and I don't like it. No, no. No, no. All right, so I give you a stabbing at night. You wash your monkey before you go to bed. You don't want your monkey to go to bed with that condom juice on and shit. Now you go to bed. You wash your monkey. Overnight it marinerates. It's like a turkey in Thanksgiving. Thank you. You don't cook the turkey. Fuck it. You let it boil. So when you wake up in the morning, your little monkey has a little wang to it. You understand. I mean, not like a funky wang. Just like a little different type of wang. Like it smells like gunpowder or something. Just let you know it's there. And in the morning is tremendous because you just touch it. You can see it. You can see. get nice and wet the juices. Then you get that little and you rub that motherfucker in three fingers deep.

You give her a three finger louis. Then you eat that monkey in the morning. And I got to tell you something. Eat monkey in the morning as top of it. What? That's the best? I thought you were saying you didn't. So you love the morning section.

Oh, I love somebody's asshole in the morning for breakfast. That's my world. I thought that was going in a whole other direction. I thought you were going to be like after it's gross all night. You eat her monkey. No, no. I like it with a little whiff to it. It's got to have some wang to it in the morning.

What? I really don't want. Girl, say this all the time. No, when you soap it up, like if you smell like Irish Spring, I don't like it. Well, never going to smell. That's why you got to work it and get the old geez out of there because of that. But you would like to have overnight cremogeny cum juice in there. No, no, no, no, no.

No. I want you to take a shower. In fact, I'd rather you go to bed without giving you a stabbing. And you're laying there snoring, I come up from behind you, take your little panties or spread your legs, lick your asshole a little bit. Yes. I'll pop you up. And when I'm licking your hands,

so I can actually watch your little clit swell up. You understand what that does still, man. Joey. You're fucking dick. Joey. While you're eating that monkey, you bang one out yourself just to shoot that first load out so you can last a little bit. And then while it's dead Louis and you're eating her monkey and it's nice and wet,

you put that soldier in her mouth fresh in the morning with bad breath and everything on it. I don't give a fuck. My soldier likes bad breath in the morning. You suck that monkey hard. And now that soldier's hard. Your monkey's wet. While you're sucking my monkey, I'm finger-backing here. I'm thinking of my phone sex.

I'm with three-finger louis, and I got a pinky in your asshole, because I got dexterity. Three-finger louis. And then I switch back, I flip you around, and I bang you from behind. It takes a minute you come fast, I come fast, and the party's over. Now we take showers, you make oatmeal, everybody goes to work after me. This is kind of turning me on a little. It has to turn you. It has to turn you.

Way before the white-haired shit. Damn it. I was lovely dude, but I could rock your fucking world, you dirty, But you have to have secrets. I wasn't good at sex at night. But in the morning, somebody eats your pussy and eat your asshole for breakfast. Your whole day is dead. Wow.

Joey's not my type, but there's something about it. Hang on, I got to change my plans for tomorrow morning. I was going to say, good. Ketz out of clutching her heart with them. That's the whole patois. Oh, my God. The morning is real love in the morning. Yeah, if you're going to do it like that in the morning.

You should do it every morning. That's the whole thing, man. The pussy leaks more. When you look at the sheet, there's a little. circle under it because you've been eating it. You're fingering it and it's getting that juice out of it. What the fuck do you guys think you're dealing with? I've been around the world three fucking times. Shit. I'm just, I was never fucking, you know, when you're not a handsome dude, you got to work it from different fucking angles. The great Thomas Ward had a joke that he wasn't

a good piece of ass. Joey's giving a sex workshop today. The great Thomas Ward, a comedian friend of from the store used to have one of my all-time favorite jokes that he wasn't good in bed but a lot of shit would happen while he was fucking you know he'd break windows and light fires I think Joe you should start a teaching class that the learning annex on moves for guys this is something that no because even when you describe it's like reading it's like reading 50 shades of gray I'm a dirty dirty dude from all that remember we had this but like the way you describe sex guys need to learn About it. This could be a mission.

I almost said quaint. Yes. Why is it? Because if any other guy said what he just said, it'd be creepy. It'd be so creepy. But why is it okay for him? Because he's a Casanova. What's a Casanova?

I don't know. You've got that like, you've got that like suave, like Italian, sexy, like the voice. Those years are doing blow is really, like parts of it were disgusting sex, but parts of it were really sexy. Like I got to learn a lot about what women were made of. Like, it's not just giving head and whatever. Yeah, there's so much more. It's like when a woman's vagina opens up to you and it gets warm. Like, there's a woman's love.

Like when you pull their hair from a ponytail and the hair goes down straight the way you're wearing it now, there's only different looks of a woman, you know? There really is when you're making love to it. It's fucking tremendous, man. We're going to be the first podcast to get kicked off of iTunes. It cannot happen. We're talking about the truth. I'm talking about the truth to you.

Listen, if you're talking about the truth, they can't kick you off. You pull the hair? No, no, I'm just saying if Keith's hair is up. Everyone pulls hair. You don't pull hair? Lee, why don't you pull hair? You got to grab their hair and rip it around your hand. Women want you to disrespect them in bed.

Oh, my God. I mean, listen, for real, women in bed, all the respect flies out the window. You fucking animal. You want you to be an animal. For real. Suck that pipe. Suck that pipe. Oh, suck that pipe.

That's the best. When they look at you and they go, pipe, fucking suck that. Shut the fuck up. Do another line of Coke. By the way, speaking of sucking the butt pipe hole, you know last time I was on here,

I admitted about the anal sex. Yeah. Did I tell you I was in Las Vegas? And the anal sex story, by the way, never had more phone calls from family. Do you know how widespread your show is? People heard your show that I'm like, how is my great grandmother

in Idaho? Listen to It was amazing. That's crazy. Yeah. But I ran into these two guys in Vegas. They come up to me. And they were like, hey, are you Kate? It was like three in the morning in a casino.

And I was like, yeah. And they were like, oh, my God. We watched you on Joey Diaz podcast. Can we buy you a drink? And I wasn't trying to like hook up or anything. So I was like, oh, thanks. I'm cool, but I'm good. But thanks a lot.

And they were like, no, no, no. We're not trying to bang you. He goes, the one guy goes, I just wanted to thank you personally. because you're the reason my girlfriend let me try anal. And I was like, wait, that's my legacy. That's what you took away. These fucking animals will bring these podcasts

and make their girlfriends listen to him. And go, see, I told you. I told you, it's fun to do it in the ass. And you're like, oh, my God, guys, they come to shows and tell me. We did the pigeon. We did the whole fucking thing. I'm okay with it.

I felt like okay with that. Like, I felt like that was my big contribution to his life. because he got his girlfriend on board and you know and they seem happy from that there's a there's a scene in the departed you ever see the parted you ever see the parted with jack nicholson yeah actually i don't think so there's a scene of the parted where they're doing opera there's an opera scene and jack nicholson has a hot girlfriend but that night he brings his girlfriend in a black check and they're banging each other they show a scene and then bang each other they show a scene and

and banging each on the table. He's got a bowl filled with Coke. Remember that scene Lee? And he's like, you girls want to do Coke. Let's do some fucking coat. He just starts throwing the coke at him. And just that looks so fucking sexy. Just to throw the coke at you and just lick you with that fucking coke.

How is this happening? Slot lines off your fucking stomach and off your legs and puts them on your clit and then go back to it and work that. Just the fact that Jack Nicholson turned you on. Jack Nicholson throwing coke at the black chick and the white chicken dead naked in bed. Yeah. And he's got a robot. He just walks and he goes, your girls are on. And you can see they did makeup on him.

They did his eyebrows to make him look evil for the scene, like, coked up. And he goes, you girls want to get to do coke. Let's do some coke. I hear some cut. He just starts whipping it with the coke. And I was like, I could see myself in fucking 87 doing something freaky like that. I mean, sure. Who wouldn't?

Oh, my God. How funny. Something about me brings out the old sex stories in you. Well, no, no, because we're talking about all that disgusto shit. Disgusto, yeah. It's all disgusto. That's the cocaine disgusto talk. What about shit? You said that you ran into a friend who shit her pants in bed? No, no, no, no. I didn't have a friend. She was an acquaintance. and the room goes she lived in she lived in and she lived in L.A.

And I knew her and one day I said what happens? She's working no more. And they said somebody fucked her in the ass. She shit the bed. And he was a comedian. He told everybody and she got so embarrassed. She moved. I don't know the exact.

I would move out of the country. I don't know if that's even the real reason. I just had to be. I would move to another state if I shit the bed. I would be so embarrassed. I don't think I could ever face anyone. Because you know how the comedy community, it's so small. Oh, yeah, you can't.

That's why I said to you. You can't do nothing with a fucking comic like get off base. No, if you shit the bed, that is getting around. Oh, that's getting around. Everybody's not going to know about that. You have to leave. You can't stay after that, not that story. I shit my pants at Ventura Harbor Club.

Did I tell you that? No. Yeah. On stage? Not. Well, very close. I was headlining Ventura Harbor Club. The guy going up before me had like three minutes.

minutes to go and I've been taking this herbal supplement for my anxiety and so it's like just takes Xanax like everybody else in fucking Hollywood because I don't want to I want to get addicted to it freaks me out I probably should do that but look I get crazy like I'm a little I get a little like too giddy when I'm that's fine I rather you get even having anxiety and shit yeah I know well I got this stuff though so it's just it's like um citric acid, but like in a powder form, and it's supposed to calm you down. So that last couple days, I was starting to feel really anxious. And on my way to Ventura Harbor Club, I called my friend and was like, I got bad anxiety today.

And she was like, have you been taking the calming powder? And I was like, I forgot the last couple days. That must be it. I'll take extra. Oh, no. So I made a bottle of water like this big and I put like half of the... Does it change color of water? Yeah, it turns orange.

And you shake it up. You're only supposed to have a teaspoon. I put in like half a water bottle worth. I drank it on the way of Ventura Harbor Club. And then when I got there, I was like, man, I feel great. I'm so calm. And then I'm like, I'm so calm. I need to pick me up, so I got a cup of coffee.

Yeah, it sizzled that motherfucker. The dude on stage has three minutes left. I take a sip of the coffee. and my stomach starts to churn. Yeah, that's it. But I don't want to go to the bathroom because he only has three minutes. I'm like, what if he comes off a minute early? So I tried to stand there and wait, and then I started to get a really bad stomachache,

like, not be able to go on stage stomachache. And then I didn't know what to do, so I was like, well, maybe it's gas. I'll try and, like, pass gas. And then I tried to fart and a little turn. Flew out of your mouth. Wet or dry. I'm mixed. Like a little more.

How long did you have to stay on the stage at the much thing? Oh, no, no, no. So then I ran to the bathroom. It gets worse, Joey. This is so embarrassing. Where's the one of the people? What's the audience saying? There's still, the guy on stage is like a minute.

No one knows this is happening yet. I haven't gone on stage yet. I'm waiting in the back. He's still got like a minute to go. So I run to the bathroom. I get in there and it's like, it's like, you know, when you let a little bit out, a lot wants to come out. It's like the floodgates are open.

So I'd pull my pants down. I sit down. I'm shitting my pants. pants and then I realized that I had worn this shirt that's like trendy it's like short in the front long in the back so when I sat down to the bottom of the shirt got brimpsed in the toilet is a white shirt now it's covered in shit so that I have like under a minute so I'm splashing the shirt in the sink I'm trying to clean it up I'm trying to clean up my pants because there's a little poop in my pants I'm

trying to clean up and then I hear the guy on stage like you ready for your bed liner, you've seen her on whatever. I wasn't even in the room. So I'd pull my pants up. They're still wet, tuck the back of my shitty shirt into my jeans, and run out on stage and had to do 40 minutes with shitty pants. And I was wondering the whole time, I wonder they can smell it. Sure, we could smell it.

I didn't know what to do. And then afterwards, I'd just stay and judge a costume contest. It was Halloween. How long have you had anxiety for? Um, really not bad until the last few years. I think it's this business. Did you ever take medication for it? No.

I started to get it. Just before I quit blow and then once I switched to refa, I was good. Like once I started smoking refa, rea, rea, rea, and I didn't do any drugs, the anxiety went away. Then it started coming back about two years ago at the comedy store. I get anxiety when I go to the comp. Right before I go on stage, my world spins around. I wonder why. But then I started getting in other places.

I got it at the Wilbur Theater. I got it in Connecticut a little bit. Yeah. When I shot the special, the first show, I got it. The second show, I didn't get it. So it's kind of weird how you... Really? It comes and goes.

Like, I try not to do edibles now. So that's why I'm asking, because I suffer from the same thing. Usually before I get on stage, if it's my stomach, you cut one of those farts, one of those fucking, before you shit your pant farts. Oh, it's hard. You're standing in the back of the store, and people saying, oh, my God, what's that smell?

And you're like, I know. And they're looking around, I'm... That's from anxiety. That's that last anxiety. That's your anxiety. Sometimes I blow a fart just to get me out of the mess. Well, it's a good thing you're not taking the powder that I'm taking, or you're shitting your pants.

Every time. When I got together with my acupunctures, 10 years. ago, right? The first year, she goes, you have to clean out your intestines. You know, I want you to do this. She would treat me for different things every other Tuesday. So some Tuesdays it would be my adrenals. Yeah. With my lungs. Another Tuesday, she would clean my liver and my intestines and stuff like that. She gave me this powder one time. You know, like when you get ramen, that package they give you the flavor powder. Sure. It was the same size package. Okay. And she told me, she goes, I want you to empty the package out like you're doing Coke and cut it in half and put. And put. half into a gallon of water. Measure the gallon out. She goes, no more, no less. Don't play with this stuff.

These are Chinese herbs. I put half of it in there and nothing happened to the water. So I go, she's got to be wrong. I put the whole thing in, oh, my God. What happened? What you just said to me on stage, on the way there. Oh, shit. On the way home, two hours after.

On stage? Yeah, it just broke down my intestines. I mean, it was like a liquid on stage. I sneezed, and it was like a little liquid, and that was it. She probably gave you what I'm taking for my entirety. I got back in that car on the way home at a light. I sneezed again a little bit, and it could hear it. Like, you know when you put your cup on the McDonald's

and you go into the thing of 7-Eleven and it hits like, shh, that's what it was coming out of my muffler light. I still remember also on Highland. I was on Highland and fountain, and I was almost home, And I had a runner in my wife's like, what's that smell? Oh, my God. You don't want to know. The cops that's, I told her some fucking story.

My pants were brown. I had to go back downstairs that night, open the car. Oh, God. After I closed it, which smelled horrid. And I had a spray like interior, armore. I had to wash it. I had to leave the windows open. The car smelled terrible.

I didn't shit in the car seat, but just me sitting on this shit in my pants on top of the car seat, made that car smell like death. That was the only bad experience I've had on stage. This is making my experience seem not as bad. Because I don't think my car didn't smell like shit. I didn't have to get a detail. So did you clean it? You cleaned it before you left?

I mean, I cleaned it out before I left the club as best I could. I always carry summer Zee wipes just in case anyway. They're tremendous. I really do. I keep them in my purse because I'm always like, you just never know. Like I always try to make sure if anyone's going to be in that. area that I've showered right before.

Like I'm a right before shower. But if I have to come from somewhere else, I keep the Summersy boy. That's when I used to date this girl. When I ran on a soap and I used a summer's eve vaginal scrub. And I used to buy it on the road because I made everything shiny it down there. Everything cleaner down in my helmet. Does it really shine you? Oh my God.

Smoking. Even the turtleneck skin that looks like I got hit by a car. I met women. Not men. Wait, wait. What is it? Is it like a vaginal? Yes.

It's a vagina school. Oh, my God. It's, it's like, yeah, it's approved by gynecologists, and it's vagina soap, but I'm telling you something like... If it cleans out a dirty vagina, because you imagine what are the nuts? Is it like glitter in it? No, no. It's not... It's got to be dirtier. No, no, no.

Yes. You got an inside. It's like a cat's hole. Okay. Everybody comes in there. A little bit of cum stays in there. No, it does. Yes, it does.

It develops a fungi and mushrooms like Lee ate tonight. And that's what happened. over time. Trust me, even gravity holds stuff in. Forever. For a long time. You think there's back, there's back semen from years ago. Listen, if I came in you in 82, your monkey's still going to have a sour taste to it.

Oh. That I believe. One of those coke sperm shots, you're done for a fucking year. Oh, my God. Disgusting. What are we even talking about? Who the fuck knows? This is why it's a podcast.

If I wanted to talk about something significant, I'd be on TV. If somebody wanted to hear this shit, they'd put me on fucking world news tonight. And we could tell Maury Schaefer. World News tonight. It's, uh, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think the gravity holds some stuff in the movie. It's fucking. You're really thinking about it?

Yeah, because it's true. Oh, how did we get here? There's certain women that you date that after you date them, your helmet smells a certain way. No. Yeah, I used to date this girl for like two years. Wait a second. For how long? And every time I'd bang,

I'd smell my helmet. How do you smell your helmet? Yeah, what are you talking? How can you even reach that? You scrub your little helmet? No, you don't. Yes, you do. No one does this.

No one does this. You know, I've never heard of a guy. No one's ever done that. And then in the mornings, I would wake up and smell my helmet, and it would smell like a monkey even when I was in weather the night before. No. Yeah. Had you just not taking a shower since you?

You know, me, don't know. I just want to know what guy gets up in the morning and smells it. No one. I've never heard of that. smell it. You gotta know where you stand. Listen, I love this because I think that all girls should do a little taste test, you know?

But I've never heard of a guy doing What woman having you taken home that before you're going to dig into the monkey? She goes, hold on let me go pee. She doesn't have to pee. She's got to go double check and make sure everything's clean down there. There's no skid marks. There's no old fucking hair down there. There's no fucking toilet paper.

I guess. That's what women do. Finger herself and smell, I don't think. Women will scratch us a little bit. I just won't. hook up if I know that's happening. Like if I'm out somewhere and I meet someone and I just had a shower, nothing has happened between the shower and then,

then I don't mind. But if there's any chance of anything going on down there. Like when you go to ballet and you post those pictures, are you sweaty? That's when people want to eat your asshole. They don't want to eat your ass after you steep. Joey. They want to listen. If I if I dated you, I'd

make you come home after ballet and let me eat your monkey fresh from ballet with that fucking little floor, that little ballet shoe smell to it, that little yoga pant wang to it. I would make you directly come home. Don't go, no stop and settle on a living for cigarette. Don't do nothing. Come home.

Where are these men? And when you take off those little panties that squeeze the little bit of hair to your little top of your little... Joey! Joey! That's done. It's like Pearl Harbor. It's going down. You know what I'm saying?

I feel so dirty. You're fucking, you're Japan and I'm Godzilla. You know what I'm talking about? Joey. Can't handle us. What the fuck? I love how we said that's when. That's when, that's when guys want to eat your asshole.

That's when the guy wants to eat your pussy. You don't want your pussy when you're clean. Is that the secret? Listen, every man wants you to go to ballet. They want you to run an hour. No one. No man's ever actually asked me to go to ballet. Don't be fucking kettlebells for an hour and come back and see me with that dirty monkey from the night before.

A little grunt, like if you got up in the morning and just went right to kettlebell class, right from kettlebell class you back at home. No. And let me eat that little swamp of death. See, I think that's definitely not something women. are looking for her just want to put that out but that's what guys like they want to get that i don't think that guys want swamp of that that's a lot that's a lot of that's a lot of weighing well i no it's not a lot of way to say that no woman wants a swamp of anything no they don't it's not a lot of wang it's disgusting in your mind you think there's a lot of wang to but there's really not a lot of wang

it's got a little sweat to it and that's it you pull the sweat beads of saying we have different definitions of wang i'm like wait we just change sexes i'm so fucking you You dive in like a hawk of death, you understand? It's the truth. What the fuck are we talking about it? With Tony Bennett, dude. Okay. Thank God for Tony Bennett in times.

I'm going to be around. I am so high. I don't even know. When somebody breaks your heart. Probably. No, probably we're the same. I was a body. You got to finish that chocolate?

Give it to Lee. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, I don't. No, I don't. See, Lee, it's 10 milligrams. Come on at this point, who cares? Eat the fucking thing.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Like, right now when you go pee, when you go pee, before you go pee, scratch, bug, the clip, and bring it back to us. What?

Stop. Who will leave you. Bring it back to us? That misery You go first Dips Listen I mean I want to be around

Listen, dog It's Monday night, cock suckers What do you want from me? Let me give some shout out to our Kate's out of here. First of all, on it, I love you to debt it. Thank you for the steel bells. My shoulders are looser. Everything is beautiful.

I can't give you a deal on the steel bell. but I give you a deal on the protein powder and the alpha brain and the shroom tech. That's what I believe in, brother. That's one of the two of those shroom techs before Jiu-Jitsu. I know a kid who eats four of them and drinks a cup of coffee and goes to Jiu-Jitz when he flies through the fucking air like a wringling brother. And then you got... R. IP.

And then they're dead two wriggling brothers. That's all over the elephant. They shouldn't have whipped the elephants and shit. They were beating those fucking guerrillas and the elephants and the tigers. and now they're out of business but fucking what's they talking about? Honor.

Yeah, Honit. I love you. Shroom Tech Sport. Shroom Tech immune. I fucking love it, man. Alpha brain when I fly, the hemp force protein in the morning.

Are you fucking kidding me or what? 20 of life? No parole. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. Bam! And get 10% off your order

delivered to your house. How about Mr. 508 and G.C. Covley and cash D.E. and J. Rama and Bobby Sharon, happy birthday, you bad motherfucker. Your wife made you some fucking steak

with raspberry sauce. Who's better than you? Richard McManus, Nick Smith, the Lalingis family in Chicago, North Shore Scott, and Pamela I don't know, Pamela Gray, the son. Let me sniff your finger. Where are you filthy out? You go ahead, sit around me.

You're going to stand there like fucking superwoman with dirty fingers and shit. Did you wash your hands? Yes. Good, good. But that's what guys want. They don't want a clean monkey.

That's in the movies. Oh, my God. They want it to have, like, an odor to it. Like, not an odor. Like, I like gunpowder. I used to date a certain women that a little monkey smell like gunpowder. Like, let's somebody little fire. Gunpowder?

Can you bring some gunpowder in so I can have something like? You don't know what gunpowder smells like? I guess not. When you were a kid, when you were a kid, did you ever play with those rocks you quacked together and they smell like gun smoke? Yeah, but I've never had a vagina that smell like that. Listen, have you dated a woman's a woman's a woman. A monkey smells like gunpowder. Keep her.

You know what I'm saying? That bicks is on fire. They come around once in the generation. George Washington. Oh, she's killing motherfuckers. So what's going on in your life, Kate? What's going on with comedy and the TV, the Playboy show? Oh, the Playboy show has been great this season.

It's called Undercover. If you guys haven't seen it, it's, this season was really fun. We got into some dope shit. How many episodes you shoot? We shot 12, 12 both seasons. That was dope. Andrew Lowe was in here. They canceled that radio show, huh?

I know. I love that girl. She's so cool. I like it, too, man. It was the Playboy Morning show. I guess they're doing away with, like, live studio shows. It sounds like they're trying to make the whole network more funny and a little more mainstream. So I don't know.

I don't know if that's why they're doing it. It's weird. And you have an agent and you go out on the road every week, which is good. I see you hustling. I try. I try. I try. I don't know.

You know what's weird about this business? I mean, you've been in it way longer than me, but it's like it's crazy how I'll be hustling and hustling and hustling and then a whole bunch of stuff happens. And then all of a sudden you hit like a wall where it's just slow as fuck or nothing's happening. And for me, like we're talking about anxiety. It drives you crazy.

Yeah, because even if it's just a week, even it's just one week, I look at my schedule. That week from Christmas to New Year's, I was suicidal. Yeah. Suicidal. We did a podcast on. to the 26th and the rest of the week

the baby didn't go to school and the phone didn't ring and I thought I was gonna fucking shoot myself I get anxiety also I'm like you I get anxiety also I'm like you I get but I get

you know it's weird because you've been here for 10 years and you have to this is why I was telling Lee and I were having this conversation that it's like when you tell a market okay we're telemarketers we just tell a market comedy

yeah okay that's yeah pretty much this is basically it Right now you're a feature act and you're calling hilarities and the Tempe improv. Thank God. You're funny and people see what I see in you. So I had a week that was close, you know, and they want to compromise you. I know that you do TV work with something happened.

You could drive back to Tempe, so I asked you. But, you know, you're never a woman to complain. You know, you're never a woman to say that I give me spots here where there's only, you know, go to the store. They don't give women spots. Then go somewhere else. Then go somewhere else. If you're worried about not spots at the store, you're not worried. You lost the mission.

You lost the mission, which is just a do fucking spots. And you also, you can find them and you can make your own shit now. I see you in Ontario. I see you driving to fucking Mars on a daily every night. I see you. I mean, I just like, at the end of the day, it's fun. There's nowhere I'd rather be. You know how it is.

I mean, it's like the time that you spend on stage, it's exhilarating. And, I mean, so I feel so lucky. to get to do this for a job. And that's why I work so hard. Because I recognize, like, when I go home and I see people doing the same jobs, they were doing when I left Ohio when I was, like, 19. I'm like, I'm so lucky.

Like, even on the times that are slow, I'm not working that much, I'm like, this is still, like, an awesome job at the end of the day. And you're here. You're here in the game that people dream of. That's it. Dream of being here, and you're here. People talk to you.

You have an agent. I feel so lucky. all the time. Like I tell Lee, you tell a market comedy. So I tell Lee, we don't have a day off in this life. Days off for people that are worried and regular. Animals of death, there's no days off. Because that day off, you're going to have a day off later

because you didn't make calls that day. That's why you're dead those three days. Because that day, you didn't make any calls. Yeah, you're right. If you always have calls in the pipe. Always. If you have six things in the pipe, you've got to assume five of them are going to go under. Come on, man.

We're not fucking geniuses here. You just got to be on the hustle right now. I'm sorry, Lee. And here's something I've been struggling with. Okay, so you get busy, right? It's hard. What I've been struggling with is maintaining going out there and getting more for the following. Like this week, I'm kind of slow because last week got super busy and I have time.

Or in time, you're going to learn how to mix both. Yeah. That is hard. You're going to learn how to do work in the morning and in the afternoons do that little hustle. Or you find enough success to work. where you can hire some help with that. Like I, when I was shooting my TV show the first season,

and I was by no means making a lot of money, but I was super busy. And I couldn't get back to everybody to set stuff up for when it was over. And so I hired somebody to help me. And like, I'm saying this, this sounds almost like so Hollywood and braggy

to be like, I hired someone to help me because I was busy. But it helped. I spent almost nothing on it. Like, I found this lady that was willing to do it for super cheap. It helped my anxiety. It helped me get organized.

It helped me like plan ahead. And now I'm a huge fan of like spending money on someone to help you. Absolutely. It's I was always do it myself. Like even in school, I wanted to do projects by myself. But recently it's like, well, you have to treat this as a one person business. And businesses sometimes get assistance or people to help out. And like it feels weird.

You don't want to be like, oh, have an assist. Yeah. It sounds douchey in L.A. And people assume that if you have one that you're making a lot of money, but for me it was like I would actually rather not go out as much, not have as much cool clothes, not have cool purses and stuff. But spend the money on that just make my whole life better. There's this guy that I've been working with, a music guy,

and he's really opened my eyes to that because he goes, like he just went to Cuba. His name is John Fulford. He went and he hired these Cuban musicians on the street and just recorded an album with him. And then he goes and then he goes and he flies to Albania to do like a record, a deal because he like distributes music or something. And he like flies it just to do a meeting. And it's like you're hoarding money almost when you start out because you're so broke.

But you have, it's almost like the spend money to make money. You have to a little bit to just put yourself out there. Yeah. If you can find a way or even like a lot of like interns, you know, that just want to learn about the business or. I'm very selfish. I don't, my wife helps me to a degree. Lee helps me to a degree, but there's a degree that I can't explain to Lee what I'm doing.

It would take me too long. You know, I call Lee after I do the work, and I try to tell me. I see what you're saying. This is what we did, Lee said, yeah, you can't explain it. We called this chick, we set this lady up. Yeah. We're playing games of this lady. It's amazing.

Yeah. I don't have time to sit, lead down at 8 in the morning, because it would take me, we'd have to come over at 7. If I got an assistant, I have to come over at 7 and sit there. I see what you're saying. And my day is just, bam, me, man, which I don't have the time. I wish I did. But what if she was just, you were paying her for like a certain number of hours? And then as shit just popped in your head, you hit her up and we're like, oh, write this down, right?

Like, I'm so disorganized. I almost just needed like, it's almost like paying a mom. You need an assistant for other stuff. You can handle your own business. I think that people would realize how, like Lee says, Lee said something last week that my wife has said, and I can't let that get out. Lee said to me the other day,

I tell my wife all the time how crazy you are. I'm crazy, dog. I'm crazy, but I know we're going in. I'm not crazy in the back guy crazy. You know what I'm crazy? When you're fucking around, that's what I'm thinking of shit. years ago when I was out of 10 o'clock doing blah I would think of shit and never do anything with it now when I think of something like this time's all right I had a friend growing up his name was Anthony Anthony was a great kid but Anthony had the family business so when you were 16 and you were thinking about concerts and you would call Anthony and look at him Anthony's mind would be somewhere else because he had to pick up a body at six

So we started calling him gearhead Because the gears were always going And you know And if you smelled smoke That means he was really like He was really thinking Yeah You know and there's people like

When I'm When I get up and What if I go to bed at 8 tonight I get so high And Lee knows I think it's past 8 already Lee knows That I would go home

On a Tuesday night and stay in And at 3.30 I'll call Lee And go Lee Look at what we're going to do tomorrow Like it's 9 in the morning. At 3.30 in the morning. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. This is what we're doing. Sure. This is the plan of attack. And Lee's like, hold on one second. He's awake. He'll get up. At 3.30 the morning?

Lee, for the way. The first year of this podcast, we were working on, we were working on, I remember still calling them one night at midnight and saying, I'm sorry to Corey. Sorry to Corey. And Lee, once Lee said it's okay. Lee or champion. Anytime you have an idea, call me, we're family. No way.

This is what people do. Lee, I need you in my life. Lee's a type of guy that will call me a four and go, I thought that something, I think you should do this here. And it's a brilliant idea, but it took to get up at four in the fucking morning. Yeah. If I have to bury that idea and save it to get to you on Monday for the presentation,

I don't have time for that shit. You need an all-hours person. I'm an all-mothic. And when it's got to be done, guess what? It's got to be done. This is what needs to be done. Maybe you can get an Alexa, so then you'd needs to be done.

You get like an Amazon Alexa. I don't have a manager because if I got to call you to do your fucking job, we're going to have a problem. And guess what? I've been doing your job just fine for 20 years and even better than you would do it. You know, you know, Lee knows that Lee knows that I'll probably attend.

And anybody who's representing me by the time they get in at nine, they got three emails from me instructing them on the move. because sometimes it's not telling people what to do. It's the move that people don't understand. I don't have time to tell you about the move until after you come to me and say, how did you do this? Nobody could get to him.

Well, he goes to AA, and he's friends with a friend of mine that goes to A, and my friend put the bug in his ear. You follow me? No, I'm not following you. I don't have time to explain this shit to you or nobody else. I'm going to make the move here. Are you following?

My mind worse. Yeah, no, it happens all the time. And a creepy criminal elementy type of way that when I say it to you, because it's like when I wanted the movie The Longest Yard. Yeah. It pissed me off that they wouldn't read me. What did I do? I was in Houston, Texas.

I hired this guy to tape me with a fucking football jersey out on a helmet. And I sent the tape to Adam Sandlin. He got it. And they called me and they took me to lunch. They were in the star for that movie. I didn't give a fuck. That movie belonged to me. That's so dumb.

Because they were looking at Tony Saragusa or Big Pussy from the soprano. They're not comedian. Sorry, I spit on your tit. They're not comedians. No, you did. It went right in the cleavage. It was tremendous. No, it didn't.

Even if I was a freak, I couldn't spin your tits. You saw it goes, right in your little titty there. Tremendous. You couldn't pay for somebody to spit in your cleavits. That's how good I am. Anyway. I don't even think that happened. I did not accept that.

I did not accept that. That is the bad story. I did not accept that because at that time I was following Paul Mooney at the comedy story every night. And let me tell you something. Those guys might have been a celebrity funny guy. But at that time, I was following Paul Mooney every fucking night. I would drive to die.

I don't know too many people that drive to die. I was driving to die and I would get so pissed about doing that guy. So you wanted to get better. I resented even not thinking that you wouldn't put me in your movie. I'm a real comic. I did comedy at Buffalo at the half time of the Sabers game and got booed. That's a comedian, okay? And I stuck it out.

So when I made that tape and sent it, like, I was fucking that, I believe that much in me. You know what I'm saying? Like, it was that much belief. I couldn't teach somebody to do that. By the time I told my agent, when I got back was when I called my agent, I go, you're not going to believe what I did. I think that happens all the time a lot. I mean, because that, well, that's the thing in this business. By the time you tell your agent, you can't wait.

No. No, you can't sit around and wait for that. I think the biggest mistake people make when they come out here. They get representation and then they just sit and they wait for them to call. And now it's like with everything you can do with social media, a podcast. Bitch, let me tell you what I did. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I just feel like it's laziness.

And then I meet people that are like. Well, they don't get until 10th. We'll call them at 9. Yeah. I guarantee they're in the office. They're Jewish. They're in the office. I'll never forget.

I used to my first manager. I was trying to get into, I was a Cuban. Miami Improv was just open. I would call them every day at 9. Did you get me into my office? Amy Improv. I called and left a message. She wants you to send a tape. Did you get me into something? I'm an improv.

Yeah. Because I'm one of those dudes that don't tell me about the tape shit. Yeah. I hired you to do a fucking job. I don't know nothing about no tape. Convinced them. Yeah. Convinced them.

They're going to take me. You need this. Yeah. And finally, when Dad called Sarah and she picked up the phone in the first ring, I go, Sarah and I was Joey Dears. I'm trying to get in the club. She goes, hold on. Let me get my dates for you.

And she gave me the dates. And I called that idiot. And I go, hey man, how are you? I go, did you get a hold of the Saturday? He goes, no. She never answers the phone. I go, grab the book. I'm in Buffalo, January 8th or whatever,

and in Miami the following week. And he shit his pants. I fired him three months later. I was just going to say, I hope you didn't keep him for long. That's how I work. Yeah, I mean, if they're not helping you. I don't have time for fucking around. When I need something, I got to dive in there.

And I dive in a little different. A couple months ago, I was on that tour. And they canceled the first four dates. Word was they weren't going to pay nobody. I heard a lot of people didn't get paid. Oh, the oddball thing. I went to my agent. I go, listen, bro, this is like me giving Kate money for a pound of weed from Lee.

A bad idea. Guess who's responsible? On the street had this happened? Guess who's responsible? Kay, you are. Yeah. You better give me the $800 for that fucking bound. Yeah.

Guess what I did. I called the guy directly. Like a man, I said, I got a wife and a kid. I go either pay me that money or we got to figure something. Sure enough. He put me on the tour and he gave me three nights. No way. And we evened it up.

And my agent kept saying, I don't know if he's going to go for it. I called him and said, I looked at the Irvine schedule. Looked a little on the fucking white side, don't you think? That's what you have to do. And he put me on there.

You got put some soul. You just got to do it yourself. Always. You just got to do it yourself. I don't have. I don't have the confidence. I have the confidence in Lee for a lot of things. Lee knows.

But in some rock and roll situations, I got a rock and roll. dog I got a rock and roll this is gonna and this always has to get done yeah we got a rock and roll we ain't got time for church or done that shit every this comes first and that's what most people don't understand me I don't give a fuck the worst thing you can say is no get around the stick so if I got to tell you to get you know situation happened a month ago with the special with CISO yeah and I shut my mouth I didn't say that and when I got the call from CISO next day that the special had been the number one viewed special in the history of CSO.

It's dope. I called the manager and told her. I knew they were gone. At this point, they were on the fence, 70% they were going. I fired them before. Oh, wow. But they kept the IMDB up,

and they kept getting calls from me, and we kept the relationship open. Oh, I see. And I decided that, listen, you guys got to show up with something. This cannot be IMDB central and I'm paying your 10 points. I don't need a reception.

No. That's what I'm saying. They weren't doing anything you couldn't do yourself. So when I emailed her the CSO thing, I wanted her. I wanted her to think of the next move. And I gave it three days to think about it. She never did it.

And I knew right there they were 80% off the gate. Then they had one thing holding them to the thing. That was December 19th. They were supposed to call me. And they never called on December 20th. I said, they're gone. It was that easy in my mind. Number third, I picked up the phone and said,

I love you, the debt off. And they didn't, they were like, ha, ha, ha. And I called her on Monday. He said, do me a favor. Get me off the fuck. and IMDB, so there's no misunderstanding. I mean, that's the thing. I don't have time.

I got a wife and a kid. They have to be... I got a wife and a kid, dog. Initiating. I got a wife and a kid. Yeah. I need an assistant to do what? To go to the laundry for me?

Am I that, in mind that vein? I need an assistant to do what? To vacuum? To come over and do what? And listen to me, say what? But what if you needed help with just that stuff even? Like, what if you were like so... What if you were single and you were, or no,

what if you were just so crazy, busy and you, I don't know, you just... The thoughts that come into my head, I'm a pot smoker for 30 years. The thoughts that come into my head for business are like people that are molested. Not people that are molested. People that are demented and hear voices and shit. That's how this life comes into my head on a daily basis. So I'll be sitting here going, oh, I got to go to Nashville in two weeks. And all of a sudden, I'll make a move that two in the afternoon.

They'll just come to me. By the time I call Kate and tell her what the move is and why. Oh, yeah, I don't think you need somebody for that mundane of it. That's time to stop. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. There's jobs in Hollywood that Lee and I and somebody else were on the show talking about this three weeks ago that one day your show is over and you go to your account. or as they call them in L.A. business manager, another two and a half percent out of your paycheck for somebody to pay your bills.

Yeah. With a 50-50 percent, that one day they're going to disappear. Dane Cook's brother, Rob, Rob, Tim. I don't think I make enough money for that. Right. I don't know these people are business managers. I don't know what. My wife's an accountant.

My wife does not work anymore. She takes care of the baby. Baby goes to school. My wife could do all that stuff. And I trust my wife. And if she does take the money, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? She raised a child.

She sat there and a kid came out of her pussy. That trumps everything. She went. Yeah, she went. I'm not going to argue with her. I'm 54 years old next month. Then I thought it was 10% off the top of it. I'm going to sit there and argue it.

I'll get a little apart. moving with Lee and we fucking get the party started. I would love to see you guys as roomies in the studio apartment like this. The real fucking odd couple. Yeah, that'd be great. Oh my God. You know, to have Franco run your business affairs and pay your checks. And like, you know, they always, people call me all the time and the services sound

great. I just can't give you my access. I had a great, I had a great commercial agent. I've known her since she was an assistant. She was like a fucking animal. on this thing. Fake tits. She was calling people at midnight

with auditions. What does fake tits have to do with? She's an animal. She's an animal. She would call me at midnight with auditions, this chick. And one day she said, fuck this chick. This chick was a hairdresser that needed money and started being an assistant in an agency.

Yes, what she did. She bought an agency. And she's an agent today. And I'm going to tell you something, she's pretty fucking good. Yeah, yeah. It sounds like she was doing a great job. She's one of those women that's a savage.

But she made one mistake. What? A paperwork, the contract paperwork for you to sign with it. They want your bank information. What? For what? To pay you? Is that what they say?

Right there. That's where the deal ended. Yeah. That's when I ripped that up and I said, take me off the IMDB. I'm giving you my bank information. Yeah, I mean. What if nothing? What if nothing?

Put a stamp on that motherfucker and send it fucking via mail. People do it all the time. You don't need my bank information. access. You don't need nothing. You don't need nothing. I think you can have an assistant who doesn't get all your bank information necessarily. No, no, no. I'm not saying an assistant in that level. The reason why I could never have an assistant is because I don't know what the next move is. Right. When I got up in the morning, I outline eight things, seven things, six things. You know, my notebook is to the T. You come to my house

right now. You write it all by hand? All by hand. All by hand. All by hand. All by hand. Wow. So if you go to my house right now, it says 1.15 to 122 to Sunday. And I have Monday, Tuesday, I have a big calendar. It goes seven minutes at a time? No, seven fucking days. That's all I worry about. So I have a notebook, okay?

I have a scheduling. I have like a calendar. That's a leather binder. And when you call me and say Thursday at 2, I write it in there. But I don't worry about that until the week of. All my world is the week of. Yeah. So on my notebook, it says 1.15 to whatever the fuck.

And then I put Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. The top thing is write two hours. The number two is jujitsu at 12 o'clock or drilling at 11 o'clock or Wednesday. I have a fucking stupid radio interview at 11. My day is on that piece of paper to the T. Wow. I'll tell you what I'm going to write. I'm going to tell you who I'm going to meet.

I'm going to tell you everything. No, because that's what you need to do. Yeah. I want to be responsible for all my time. If you join Weight Watchers, you know why you lose weight? Because at the end of the week, you watch what you fucking ate. And when you see it written out like that. I don't need nothing all week.

Yeah. I swear to God. Yeah, you're so right. Chocolate cake, chocolate cake. You fucking ate, cock suckle. So it makes you claim responsive. Yeah, that's actually brilliant. So if you see the whole week written out looking at it, you're like, wow, that's really empty.

If you want your life to change, this is how the life changes. When you go responsible for the minute, I'm responsible for the fucking minute. I want to be, I want to tell you where, like I tell my wife, I'm walking through that door at 2 o'clock. On Monday and Wednesday, I go to Jiu-Jitza at 1115. I warm up at 12. I do the class to 1, then I do the fucking mobility class door 1.45. I'm embarrassing work out to us.

I get in my car at 5-2, 10-2, and I'm home at fucking 10 after 2. You know, I'm either home 10 minutes, 5 minutes to the tea. And I do the same process. Wow. I sit down, sweaty. and hungry. Sweaty and hungry. I sit down and I go write to BJJJournal.com.

Come on. And I click the date and I write the move I learned and I write down that I got on the mat. And then I check my emails. Oh, wait. BJJJournal is a jiu-jitsu thing? I thought it was a porn set. No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, I'm sorry. No, no, no. Listen, bro, I'm not a child. I'm a fucking savage. I was like, do you go on their journal? Yeah, no, no. I go to BJJJJJRN. I learned what moves I learned, how bad I did.

And I write down the number. And then from there, I check my emails and I make my calls. Because if I took an hour of non-business, businesses first, even if I'm hungry. So after I do all that, then I go in the kitchen and I make a protein drink. I drink that. And then my lunch is ready. And I'll run in the shower. I wash my pussy with the bacterial soap.

So I get the sweat off me. I get my head done, everything. And then I come out and I eat lunch. It's all a pattern. Wow. After lunch, I go right back in the office and I make my calls. that's my call time. So if I fucking took time out of my money, which is jujitsu,

I don't make money by going to jujitsu. But I have to work the hour and a half before jiu-jitsu, which I do. I start working at 9.30 and I leave at 11. And from two, that's my schedule. Were you always that self-discipline? No. So how did you get that way? Because that's so hard for, because I do a million different things.

We're in business for ourselves. Yeah. You are Kate Quigley Corporation, all these idiots. I'm the CEO of you're a CEO sucking my dick. Kate Kigley is the CEO of Kate Quigley International. Yeah. Lee Syatt is the CEO of Lee Syatt International. And Joey Diaz is the CEO of Joey Diaz International.

Whether I got a day job, I'm still Joey Diaz International and you're still Kate Quickly. 100%. Whatever you do, whether you're Bobby Sharon, whether you're Richie McManus, whether you're Nick Smith. You're Bobby Sharon International. that means you're a bit once you look at yourself as a fucking business and you're not fucking around yeah you know we walk around through a 28 nothing's happened I went to law school because you're a fucking moron

you're a fucking mumbling fucking moron they didn't teach you and then listen and at 30 I didn't know this at 35 I didn't know this and I gotta be honest I don't think I knew this in 40 and one day in one of my cocaine things because I was anal when I would do cocaine I would do mat What? When I would get coked up, I would do math, and I would do What if I sold 40 kilos at 12,000?

I paid 8,000 for you. I'm one of those assholes. What did you do, the calculator? I did no calculator. Wow. You know me, old school. Wow. But one night I was just thinking about your time, how we don't take time to think about

our time. You know, when I was 25 and married, I didn't think about my time at home. now I think about my time at home you know when I come to you Kate in three years you're going to hit big Kate and what's going to happen is this your comedy's going to hit

your TV career is going to hit but then some fucking stupid agent is going to come up to you and say Kate you should do a reality show and you're like well I have a CBS show or a Netflix show or HBO show I'm going great with and the other part of my day

is spent on my stand up plus I have a boy I love, I have a dog. You know, this takes... Right. You just don't wake up in the fucking morning you take quickly. You go to ballet. You got to...

I see what you do. You do everything. You swim. You play tennis. I've seen you with the tennis racket. Showing your ass bent over. With the bikini. Not so much, but yeah.

Yeah, of course. One thing about you is you're very athletic. You just don't become, you know, and when you become... You're 32 now? 34. Okay. In six years, you've got to work a little alone. Trust me.

I know. A half hour or more. You know what I'm sorry? So now I went from an hour and a half to 12 hours. That's 10 hours. But some stupid agent is going to come to you and say, I've seen a thousand times in this town and say, hey, he just called.

And they have a brilliant idea. And they're going to pay you this amount. And you're going to be an ass on going to do it. And now I've become the law diminishing returns. I totally agree. Now your time can't. So you're going to slip somewhere. You're really going to bomb in Cleveland.

Yeah. And then the word's going to get out. And she's starting to bomb. She's not focused. and they don't give a fuck they're getting the commission once you disappear they'll get some of the hot blonde

to come in when she's 18 and you're gone you control all this so whether you're a painter and electrician because let's say you're a construction kid and you didn't go to college I'm sure that you have a dream you want to be in a band

that's what keeps that day job alive is that fucking dream if you want that dream to happen you got to document it all that has to be documented and how you're going to get to that dream. Well, I'm going to start a band, and I'm going to write three songs. That's not going to fucking work.

It's a short plan. That's not going to work. That's a short-term plan with the end, with a rope, with a noose on it at the end. Oh, my God. It's just, it's, it's, you have to. No, you have to have a plan. You have to take care of your time. For everything to hit, it's to, and I started not more, I started getting it in,

Boulder, you know when before I got locked up, before I went to prison, I started swimming in the mornings. I love that. And that changed everything. Because I was like, fuck, this is the first time ever that I have a day job. And before my day job, I put an hour and a half and a fucking pool. Yeah. And now you start going, wow, this is important. You know, you start seeing the things that are important.

And you start scheduling. Do you think also that it's, you. I don't know about you, but it took me a long time to find what the thing was that was so important to me that I wanted. That's the beauty of the journey. Yeah. And I remember. It's not just going to pop in your head. You're going to have five fucking mistakes.

A hundred percent. How many career mistakes? How many career changes do we have in our lives? I think it's one every seven years. Every seven years. Oh, wow. Really? But we evolve as comedians every seven years.

See, when you first come out of you, you write jokes and you get on stage, then when they write your agent says to you, okay, you have to write your own script. and you become a writer and the next thing you know Lee's calling you up and going can't i say it the comedy story on that can you be a a fucking flight attendant in my movie and next thing you know you're working and now you've become four or five different things then you become more popular and somebody comes to you and says they want you to write a book yeah right no fucking book or you could sit with a writer and give him information he could write this bullshit about you and you read it 10 years later and go i'm embarrassed to take this on a thousand dollars yeah i rather fucking write this thing myself.

Take fucking eight years and write what the fuck I wanted to be in there. I wanted to see. So to do all that, you need time. Yeah. You know, it's time. It's time management. It's time management. People go in the business for themselves. The reason when they fail is time management. Lee will tell you. Lee knows.

So true. I don't know how to do my time. But the first thing when time management when you're in sell business is to take care of yourself. Because I think that shoots chemicals off in your head. It does. 100%. That's why I tell Lee, drop her off in the morning. 8, 30, or 7, do whatever time she gets on the fucking train, get in the fucking car and take her, because that gets you out.

I don't care if you brush your teeth, it doesn't matter. You're not going nowhere. Take it to the bus. Take it to the bus. Because once you're out of the house, then it wakes you up. And that's when your creativity starts coming along. And right from there, you take two hits off that joint, and you go to the park and know-ho.

And you bring two kettlebells out, and you're out of your fucking apartment. You're outside breathing. And that's when you creativity really start to kick in. Once you get out of that fucking house, that what happens to you the early you get out of the fucking house what happens to you is a fucking miracle and not once you do it once you do it on a monday and then you do it on thursday one week then you do it on monday then you do it on wednesday and thursday it changes you yeah and once you do it four times in one week you're like oh i may be out now i'm not telling you to

get up and do you just get out of the house just wake up and then in time you start doing things and that time those four hours you'd be amazed that's why i'm not that's why i'm What was the Army slogan? We do more by 9 o'clock than you do than the whole fucking day. That's actually amazing. That's such good insight because anytime I get up and do anything, even just, you know what, I walk every day to 7-Eleven and get a cup of coffee in the morning,

and I know I'm wasting money and people are like, you shouldn't buy, because I just want to get outside. If you start your day with that fresh air. Yeah, right? It's such a gift. And when you're outside, you look at the sun and you look at people and you go, Wow, look at all these people in traffic, killing themselves to get to work. Look at how lucky the opportunity I have.

So I don't have to do this. Guess what I'm going to do? I'm going to go upstairs and tear up that fucking phone today. Oh, I'm going to tear up some fucking jokes today. I'm going to go to a coffee shop and you know what? I'm going to do an hour kettlebell workout. I do push-ups and sit-ups and really get wet. I jump some rope.

I didn't know this. All those years, I was spinning my fucking wheels. So I stopped doing blow. I was spinning. But even before, before. I stopped doing blow, those two years, I was already, it was like I was preparing to get off the blow. I was organizing my time. I started not hanging out with people. As comedians, we think it's cool to wake up in the morning, right for everything. Let's call our six comedian buttons,

we're going to a dodge again. Let's get together and talk about how bad life is out there. That's what you're basically doing. I can't handle it. You're getting together with six comics to eat Chinese food to hear a group grow. So by the time you get home at 3.30, you want to shoot yourself because if you're doing movies or you're doing well they make you feel fucking bad about it and if you're not you feel bad just being around them one day I came home and I said I'm cutting off the comedy fucking group grope in the afternoon yeah and that changed my fucking life completely I just try to be around positivity I cut out the comedy group group group six guys and a girl and it's like

fucking friends and you got five losers and I'm one of them talking about I'm not getting spots here. I didn't go here with Rogan. I didn't do this. For what? It's all just a waste of time that you could be spending on projecting where you are going. That's why you've got to be responsible for every fucking minute, man. And just write the time down. Even if you do it

an hour later, you keep writing that time down when you want to do it eventually you'll do it at that time. You're so right. If you keep writing it down, 100%. I'm going to fucking jump off a roof. 9 a.m. I'm going to jump off a roof. You're going to do it. And every day you jump at 920, 935, 918, 9-11.

And before you know it, you keep right 9 o'clock, I'm jumping off the roof. You will jump off the roof every fucking day at 9 a.m. It's so the power of the pen has changed my fucking life, man. It's changed my life. I still have to write. I still have to write something to memorize it. If I'm trying to learn a script, if I, or even new material, even if it's because I really write on stage,

lot so I'll try things but if it works I always you know have my set recorded I have to write it for it to really be sunk in I think there's something between your hand and your mind or something to me even like text messages I don't like text message I know you know it's so funny I tell you why I don't like it because I'm so old school with that fucking pen yeah people knew how strong the pen was they wouldn't text you're the only person I know who I always call first and don't text. You're literally the only person because you don't, one or two times I texted you first and you never answered and then you just call me. I was like, all right, this dude doesn't text. It's so funny how many people text me. I used to erase

that. Especially business-related text, you're never going to get a hold of me. But it's so great because every time I call you, even if it's just to ask you a quick question, I feel like we have a moment. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I want to hear people's voices, man. Yeah. I'm old school. I'm going to hit your fucking voice. I want to make sure everything's straight. I don't want to text with no man. I don't want a text fight either.

Nothing makes me crazier than a text fight. And like I feel like a lot of guys because guys don't like to argue, of course. But I feel like a lot of guys are a little passive. They try to avoid the argument. So they do the text fighting. I can't stand it. I'm like, can we just get on the phone for one minute and have a, like, person to person contact. Even over the phone, it can clarify.

that don't even need to be a problem. It's so funny how you don't want to be that person. When things started changing, I was like, okay, this is cool, but something ain't right. And then one day a commercial came on for like some airline company. When the guy comes in, everybody's sitting there all like, waiting here what the board says, and he goes, things are changing again.

Our sales are down, but he starts giving out plane tickets to people. And he goes, we've gotten too comfortable. With the fucking emails and this, we're going back out of the field, the old school. old school and I knew that there was still people left like me you know Tommy Easter was driving back from Georgia and I called me out I go Tommy what are you gonna do he goes well I'm a drag from here in my dractor I go Tommy before you get in the car go online and make a list of all the comedy clubs in there around why you dead

heading back I go number one you got no reason to come back in time there's no nothing going on in the open mic community I go if I was you I just fucking stop at every club my name is Tommy Easter I like to do a showcase and I go, Why not? It's an education. That'd be so fun. Doing showcases.

You know, the big Mitch Hedberg story was he got in a van with Chard Hogan and Volkswagen and they went across the country when he was feature acts. Yeah. And they did 50 guest sets and 20 clubs hired them. You want to get hired? You want to get hired? You want to get hired as a feature act? Yeah.

Get in the car and drive across the country and do five-minute guests and say, I'll do anything to feature here. Yeah, for sure. And they'll feature. You don't have to live in L.A. You don't have to see no body You have to see Rogan, you have to see Local feature all the time No

Yeah I did it all the fucking time Yeah I remember fucking still This is one of the It's and you don't get mad at it now Like now it's less stripe These are comedy stripes

This is why people pay you These are the reasons why people pay you Well I would think it'd be rude Wouldn't like if like Let's say you give someone a guess that right And then they go up to the manager Be like hey I want to feature here at some point Doesn't that put you all

off. No. No, no. Let's talk about this. Okay, so I was living in Boulder. I had maybe 20 minutes, and my good friend called me. He goes, a club in Minneapolis, Arizona, and somewhere else is looking for emcees. I said, okay, I got a car, and I drove 16 hours, and I got on stage on Friday, and the guy liked me, and he put me back on State Saturday. They gave me three weeks. Three weeks later, I got to call the clubs without a business. Okay, first of all, Lee, you're not going to go into Improbs and notice. Okay, right now, type in comedy clubs in Indiana. I love you guys.

What? I just do. All right, we got crackers. Okay. We got Morty's. Okay. We got comedy sports. Okay.

Let's go to TripAdapolis or Indiana? I said Indiana. Indiana. Here's the top five, according to TripAdvisor. Morty's, Crackers, comedy sports, the comedy attic in Bloomington. and Snickers Comedy Club in the 4-Way. Okay, so comedy sports is an improv troupe, so erase that shit.

Okay, sorry. So you got Morty's, you got crackers, you got the other two, okay? None of them is an improv. Okay, so Morty's brings in top headliners, and so does crackers, but every one or someone, they got filler. Those guys got no fucking say.

Yeah. If you, you know, the regular local headliners, they got no say. Yeah. If you walk in there when one of those guys is on stage and ask and give them a good, good reference. Say, I work at the comedy store. I work at the improv. They'll put you up for five fucking minutes. The last two, what are they? The comedy attic. I've heard of that one in

Bullington. Both of those motherfuckers will put you up. And then the Snickers Comedy Club is apparently the number one nightlife in Fort Wayne. Right. They'll put you up to if you go in there because it's like a Michigan headliner. Yeah. They have those clubs everywhere. They have them in Michigan. They have them in whatever. You have to know which ones to go to them. See, if you walk into one where the managers running the thing and the book is not there, they're going to give you a number. So you avoid those motherfuckers. That's a waste of your time. My friend and I did this in Singapore.

We were in Singapore on a military tour and we were bored one night. We had a night off and we were like, let's just try to find the comedy clubs and see if they'll throw you up. So apparently it's international because we went in and they were like so excited to have American comics and they just threw us both up on the stage. Yes, you could try it overseas. It's what I'm saying. You could be anywhere.

Now let me ask you this. When you went there, was it just people from Singapore? Were they English guys there? It was mostly people that lived in Singapore, but they were super American. I didn't realize English is their first language. In Singapore, I didn't know that either. Isn't that interesting?

So they were really Americanized. They got all the same jokes, but yeah, it was mostly locals. It was really cool. It was really, it was so surreal because we weren't supposed to be in Singapore. We were supposed to be there for like one night and then leave. And like a light bulb broke on the helicopter we were supposed to take. to wherever we were going next, and so we couldn't take the chopper out,

so we got stuck there. So we ended up getting to perform there, which was like so fucking cool. Yeah, yeah. So shout out to the bad chopper mechanic who couldn't let us take off. That's where my fucking craziness ends, international stuff.

What do you mean you won't do it? Petrifies me to death. Why? You mean to perform? Just have like this, everything. Or to get there specifically, like the travel. I try,

I test, I tried Jamaica twice, and I tried Puerto Rico I could go there. What's wrong with, what happened in Jamaica? It just creeped me to fuck out. The island creeped you out? Everything, everything, the food, the island. Were you there for vacation or for work? One time on vacation, one day, the shoot a movie.

The rest of the world is in Jamaica, though. There's, like, other parts. Yeah, but I know. How can Jamaica be bad? Isn't it like, it's like a little reggae music and, and. Rasta, farians. The chicken taste weird. The food tastes at weird.

Jamaican jerk chicken. I don't like none of that shit. I've never heard that before. I went to Jamaica and turned me to like all international travel. You're like I'm never going anywhere again. Because of my felonies and everything, I'm so scared to go international. They lock me abroad and shit. So I just leave it alone.

I'm pretty, like I don't have a passport, but in many ways I don't want one. Like when they told me you couldn't have a passport, I'm like, fine. I ain't going to fucking drive. It's not like I'm going to Ireland. What felonies? If you have a felony on your record, is that there forever? Oh, it's like herpes Unless I get rid of it

I don't know why I thought maybe like it goes away for good service Like you know after so many years I've got two felonies in Colorado and like two in Seattle What are they? The ones in Colorado are second-degree burglary And accessory to a felony The one in Seattle is like Something to domestic violence

Which I didn't smack no woman I believe that When you, let's say you and Lee live together Okay so A great dream, obviously. I was your ex-boyfriend. Yeah. And I saw you out in a bar, and we got into a fight, it would be domestic violence.

Wait, if I'm out with Lee? Oh, and I run into you at a bar, and we get in a fight? I think if he lives with you. Oh, because you're my ex-boyfriend. Yeah, that's what happened. So another was a horror show, but still at domestic violence thing, bought me out for a long time. And then there was like a simple assault charge at a bar.

I got busted out of that. the comedy underground in Seattle. Like if you walk into the comedy, if you call Ron Reed at the comedy underground and I'm coming through, can I do a guess that? You've got a guess that. Ron's a run. A manager, a comics, comic type deal.

Lee, you're looking backwards? Oh, I'm going through changes right now. This is changes. I'm enjoying hearing all the felonies. This is fascinating to me. Yeah. This is deep to that. Wait, the second one,

the second one you said you were, you were, what is it called when you help someone else with a, accessory to a felony what were you an accessory to what kidnapping what kidnapping how are you an accessory to kidnapping because this is all the same crime the whole kidnapping thing with kenvela my attorney plea bargained down the second degree burglary an accessory to a felony it's all one crime now the accessory to a felony is one of the first people to find this out on mushrooms listen to me the accessory to a felony is very interesting because that's what fucked that's how he fucked them

because the court, everybody said, accessory to what felony? The second degree burglary or the kidnapping? And he would say the second degree burglary and it's nonviolent because his job was to get it nonviolent. It's a long fucking story. Wait, so were you convicted though?

Oh yeah, I got locked up and everything. Oh, but he had a great case. He did a great job. I was looking at kidnapping one and two. I'm looking at kidnapping one and two. If I take it to trial and I lose, it's 48 years times two. I never see daylight.

The first awful was 12 or 14. Then they went to nine for kidnapping. And I was like, nine for kidnapping means I do nine. Are you terrified? I would be not terrified because I thought at that time I was going to split. Like I thought at that time I'd split. There was do something as it got closer. I was out on bail.

So at least if you got out on bail, you could fucking think and negotiate. How in the world would you split? You're just going to like hike into Mexico? I didn't know what I was going to do. I had a friend that had a Hertz dealership in Honduras, and there's no extradition treaties with Honduras. I had friends that were just trying to help me out. Oh, my God.

But the more I thought about it, I'm like, you have to run with this the rest of your life. You know, one day you come back to the States, you have a wife, a kid, a family, you get into a car accident, and take it to the hospital, you'll want it for fucking 2,000 years. Yeah, you can never come back.

So forget about that shit. But then this attorney just worked miracles. And I talked to that, And I said, you know what, I did it. I always knew I was going to go do time. I knew, I knew. I knew it was in my cards. I knew I was going to get it.

I meant as well do this and get it over. And that was it. Wow. What was it like? I'm so, I don't know what. I'm fascinated by like what really goes on in prison. Because you see movie and, you know, movies and TV, but I don't, that's probably not real. Like, what is it really?

Is it scary? On the outside, nothing. On the outside, nothing. I knew I was going to get. in this. All I could wish for was every day that I, you know, there was crazy people in there. Even when I got to the camp, there were people that had been there from murder, man. You know, they still have those tendencies. And now there's a thin line for what respect is in the outside and what respect is inside with people.

Yeah. There's a weird thing in your mind. You know, there's a lot. So I just kept to myself. You know, I had a friend that had gotten into trouble. And I took him out to lunch a bunch of times. and he hooked me up. He called the prison and talked to the one guard.

He goes, this is my buddy. He was well. He was rich, this guy. His name was Ed Cabash. He was a bad motherfucker. He was a geek that became a drug millionaire. He started hanging out with this chick who knew about drugs. He made money.

And then he crashed two cars in one week. He had a liquor store. Luxury. Oh, yeah, he had two chicks. They were driving portions. I mean, this guy was banging. Now, that sounds nice. But when he got locked up, he paid a lot of money to get taken care of.

He paid a lot of money. So you can really pay people who had people on the inside. How interesting. Did you pay money to get taken care of? A little bit. Really? Like a couple people, just like when I got in, they told me what to do, and I thought I took care of me.

You seem like a guy that would very quickly move up, though, and be running your own little ring. No. I tried to keep, because you don't want to step on nobody's toes. When I got to my final destination, yeah, I was having a great fucking time. Really? Yeah. You're having fun?

Yeah. You're the first person I've ever heard that they were having fun in jail. I mean, you can look at it two fucking ways. You can look at it in two fucking ways. I had no, you know, I was working in a kitchen. I had access to food. Yep, yep. Which meant people wanted to talk to me because I had access to food.

Oh, yeah, of course. They wanted cheese to make nachos. They wanted this. They like skin milk. Are you winking at me on purpose or are you high? No, I'm just like going like, you know. I'm like, this coat, it's all this food. So you get favors.

You find out of me? Okay. You go favors. Yeah. You know, like the guys that work in the garbage crew. Yeah. My girlfriend's going to drop off a pair of panties on the exit over there. That's the kind of favors?

Yeah. Oh, I think they're like cigarettes. No, no, like maybe, uh, listen, you like to do coke? How about I give you an eight ball? Okay. Got it. Got it. Got to this spot.

There's a bag. There's going to be cocaine in there. Put a dime. They don't search you, you know, on the way back or something. Just think once you have those type of jobs, people, so like I had friends that would come to me and go, my wife brought me to Miley's broke, can you put them in the freezer for me? I give me two right off the top. Bam.

Oh, nice. Shit like that, had access to a freezer. The hookup. I had access to a property 60 yards from the main facility. So the guys that were selling steroids and shit would say to me, you have a stash over there. we'll pay you some money, you know. We got some heroin. So I would put it somewhere where I couldn't get in trouble for it.

What? I would put it somewhere where it's not in my car, but I'm watching it, but not really. So if there was crates outside and the garbage man had to pick them up, I would stash the heroin under a crate or something so nobody got in trouble. Oh, my God. It could always be the garbage man. There's always a... That's so risky, though.

There's always a doubt. You were involved in dangerous activity. You could have been taken out. on the inside. Shake, shake. No, I wasn't. I wasn't. I was fine.

It wasn't like that at all. They were like low-level dudes, but heroin is a high-level drug. There was a guy that was a biker that I became friends with. But I still think about him. He's a solid fucking white dude.

Solid white dude. Just a fucking banger. I still think about him late at night. And he used to get meth every Monday from his girlfriend. His girlfriend would come in and swap spit with him, a condiment

and fill it up with fucking meth. Like two eight balls and like a little condom. Every Monday? Every Monday. Oh, wow. And he would put it over here in his mouth and walk in. He would even swallow and shit. Oh, wow.

They would search him and fucking he'd come in, and then he'd call me over to his room and we'd do a little line of Met. And then we'd go play basketball in the gym, and I thought I was fucking Julius serving. My heart was going to blow up. Oh, my God. You know, I still think of those guys.

Toray Piles, the black dude, that was a highlight. level Crip he had seven fucking girlfriend leach him had a different fucking Porsche Mercedes it was amazing on the outside on the outside seven girlfriends but how long was he in there for 12 or 13 years he was what but he got in for seven girls he got oh this motherfucker was making cash in there that's crazy this is when the Crips were going from California Colorado and distributing cocaine what do you need seven girlfriends for in jail there because he was big dick pimping do they have

conjugal visits at this Yeah. Oh, oh. Oh, I heard they did have. So he worked with me in the kitchen. So me and him, what you do is if you have a visit on Saturday and Sunday, you got to sit next to animals. But if you were, if I have a visit next to animals. So if I take a job Monday through Friday, my visits to Saturday and Sunday, it's tough to me to finger when there's 200 animals in the room. But if I take a visit with you on Wednesday, there's nobody in the back. There's four people in there.

I'll just tell you, come in, bring a basket. You're not serious. Yes, true. Wait, you're all in the same room? No, no, no, no, no. So when you visit somebody on fucking Saturday and Sunday, it's a big room and you just get on a table and you talk. So it's pretty rough for me to finger you.

Because there's 200 people. So what he's saying is there's no one calling on. So on Monday through Friday, if you work in the kitchen, you get visits. So you would say come in Monday and Tuesday, bring a basket of food, we'll have lunch. to wear a dress with no panties. And we would sit by the, I would make you sit by the door. There was a door here and there was a window.

So I would make you pop up so you could see around and I would eat your pussy while you were looking at the guards and see if any of the guards were coming in. Oh yeah, there was a scam. There were. There were conjugal visits, but there were conjugal visits.

Oh, yeah. I would give you a stabbing every Monday if you came to visit me. The girlfriend at the time, I was giving a Monday stabbing. They're secret conjugal visits. What is happening in jail? Show up on Mondays and Tuesday.

They're not conjugal, Kate. I get it. And Monday and Tuesdays, they would come in and you sit down like nothing's happening. We can bring a dress. Yeah. And we look around, the guards leave and pop up that dress. I give you a little stab and a little sucky, sucky. And then we talk for two hours like nothing happened.

You were hooked up. Yeah, we eat Chinese food. You could bring food in and then bring me groceries for the week. They check the groceries and take a Vig off the top. But at least they take care of you, you know what I'm saying? Kate, have you ever loved anyone enough to stay with them through prison? Jail? And then not only love them enough to stay with them, but to go in every week.

Fuck yeah. Wait a second. Have sex in jail? That'd be great. Fuck yeah. Imagine this. Imagine if you were with a really great guy, you know, and then he did go to jail for you for something he did that was like heroic, you know, like he saved another girl,

but he accidentally kind of killed a guy because he lost his temper or whatever. And then he goes to jail and he's amazing. And there's a way that you can sneak in and have this like, fake in the kitchen, like he pays off the guards sex every once in a while, but not have to deal with all the relationship drama at home. That'd be like a perfect scenario. You have this map down. Why do you think these chicks become fucking...

I am on meetaprisner.com. Why do you think these chicks get together with these fucking killers and shit? Just to think I got a dick of me, the guy killed 18 people. No, I'm going to rub it off. I'm saying that... I'm dating the guy to kill 18 people. My guy went to jail for heroic reasons. Yeah, yeah, sure.

You're going to hook up with a guy that's a hero. Good luck. Well, you know, a hero with a violent temper. Huh? I'm kidding. There's no such thing as a hero with a violent. Fucking hero. You have you lost your fucking mind?

He killed 18 people. It has to get them all. It's sadly that for a lot of women love that shit. Women love that shit. We don't want to. I don't want to. We just, we can't help it. There's something about a guy that will kill people that's like, you know, it's primal.

It's like the. man you know it's like the beast inside we don't really want them to we don't really want murderers you know it was funny because the guy that gave us the guy that gave me the tv called me the day from the halfway house he didn't call me from the halfway house he had an hour to look for a job and we were talking and he was telling me that you know he hasn't had a he's seen his wife and the whole thing but he still nothing's gone down but he goes there's some fucking hot chicks at the halfway house and I'm like I know Hot chicks at the halfway house.

It sounds like a great reality show. And I got off the phone. And I got off the phone. And I was, I don't know where I think I was in my office. And I was trying to write jokes or something at night or organize something. And I started thinking about the conversation we had. And when I was in the halfway house, the top two floors were for men, but the bottom floor were for girls. That was only maybe 10 girls.

There was two rooms for girls. The bottom floor was a kitchen, like a kitchen where you went and they gave you a, groceries for the week. Yeah. And then there was like a microwave and then there was like a bathroom. Then there was a conference room and then there was the hallway.

So when I was in doing time, there was a guy in there that used to tell me about his girlfriend. And he would tell me, you're on your way to BCTC? She's going to be in BCTC. I still remember her name and everything.

I don't want to even mention it. Oh, my God. And I didn't think nothing of a guy. I was, you know, And finally I go to BCT, I say, I walk in. And after two days, who do I meet? I meet the girl. And I said, hey, I met your boy.

Yeah, he said you're coming here. We became friends. I never thought nothing of it. And after a couple weeks, I started selling Coke in the halfway house. One thing led to another. Right, exactly. One thing led to another. It's like, hey, had to find employment in the halfway house.

One thing led to another. And one Friday, I come in from selling cars. And I pull up, and me and Vicks knew I would come in. I was loaning out money. And I come and I sign up. But in those days, if somebody calls for you or somebody wants to talk to you, they leave a message in your book. So when you walk in, they give you your book and you sign in what time you come in. Like, let's say they want to give you a UA.

Yeah. Let's say they want you to pee, there'll be a note in there for a UA. Well, there'll be a note. You have to sign and you got two hours to piss from the time you sign that piece of paper. If your attorney called, it was in there. But this one nut, I get in and open a new thing, and there's a note from this girl. And she goes, when you come in, can you please stop? And I didn't expect nothing of it.

I thought that she wanted to buy blow. Okay. I walk in, there's nobody in the hallway. I get to her door. I knock on the door. She opens the door in fucking Victoria's Secret. I don't know what to do, but I'm going to, I grab her tits. We start making out.

I take my dick out, the whole thing. She says, we can't do it in here. I fucking took her out of there and took her into that little kitchen area. Oh, my God. bent her over, no condom, no nothing. I ate her ass, ate her pussy, and just dip that monster in there. That sounds like a porno. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then after that, it was like every time I saw, I gave her a stab. So we used to go to therapy together. Like, you know, you have to go to group gropes. So there was some group gropes. Groups. This really is a porno. Listen to me. There were some group groups that were at the halfway house, but some group grotes are the place called Serenity.

Right down to. Is this what you call it, group groves? That's their technical term? It's a horrible name. So you have to go to like two days a week. You have to go to these meetings. Right. It got to the point where her and I would go to the same meetings

and there were three-hour meetings, but at the hour and a half mark, you'd have a break. And I'd just give her a look and we'd go behind a car in the parking lot. I eat her ass, suck a pussy, and give her a stabbing. And I'd walk back in like nothing happened. I was a fucking nuts. Sounds like great therapy. A year later, even after she had a book,

boyfriend one day I was riding my bike and I saw her walking the dog what's going on she's like nothing she goes I moved over the guy I'm in love oh come on she goes yeah I go what does he do for a little she goes he's like a sales and he travels I go let's go over there smoke a joint no I was over there three minutes eating her monkey oh my god it was terrible yeah yeah wow I met so sometimes you have people like that that I met a fucking girl at the halfway house that I still remember how beautiful she was her girl her daughter no no I met I met a girl oh a girl half a girl That was so fucking hot a brunette and she was in that because she she was a manager of Macy's like a purse chick and she stole like 9,000 purses and they fucking put her in a federal gym For Macy's?

Whatever the fuck. It's like stealing hers from a dollar store. Like one of those fucking purse places. She was a big time chick. The purse is like 400 bucks in 1987. She was very decent. Like she was very, you know, those chicks are like, I would never. her eat on that, you know, like one of those chicks.

Oh, okay. And I became friends with her. I would make jokes out of it. I would always make jokes out of, like stupid jokes. Like, how was you? You know, like, she didn't know I was goofing on her. Right. But I would say, how was your date? The place is just disgusting. I've never lived in such a place. And I would just laugh. You know, like, did you find the fleas yet?

Are there fleas here? I have to call my attorney. I can't imagine that. So I became friends with her. She was really pretty, really pretty. Bangin' body. She was thick. She had short brown hair. And I'd see her walking. And one day I was driving, because I had privileges to drive. So when I pulled out of her, you want to ride?

She was going to get me right to the mall. She was working at the mall. I took her to the mall, boom, dropped her off. Nothing happened. It's good to see you. See you tonight. See your therapy. That type of shit.

How did you earn privileges to drive at the halfway house? What did you have to? You have to get a job and stay on the job and pay rent on time. How much it costs to live there? $75 a week. Can you move in if you're not? No, no. No, no.

No. So just go. was really sweet. This would be good for me. This guy was really sweet, Kate. And I'm saying, you know, I asked her once, I go, I don't try a boyfriend, she goes, God forbid. I dated a guy for two years. And when I got locked up, he stopped riding me,

you know, all this shit. She was kind of like a prudy girl. Always wore fucking badass clothes. Like, her job was pretty badass at the time. And when I saw her walk in, and I picked her up, and I had this gym. I had this little gym with a punching bag, a radio, a jump probe, some

gloves and weights. I rented the gym for $35 a month. I had that gym since G-Cilless Chicago. It was a garage. It was a garage right now. That sounds cool. Like three blocks away from the halfway house.

I didn't know I was going to end up in the halfway house when I rented the garage. It just worked out that way. So I pick her up and we're talking and I go, you're going to go to work? She goes, no, I'm just bored in the halfway house. And I said something to her, like something off-collar. Like, I got to tell you something.

Why don't the fuck you have a boyfriend? What the fuck is going on with you? Nice. And she said something like, well, why won't you date me? Dog, I didn't even say a word. I made a fucking U-turn. And I'll never forget she had on heels. Like she was dressed like an attorney with like a little dress over her knees and shit.

Bad ass with stockings, with black stockings. I was running a fucking touch up. And she's like, where are we going? I got to make a stop. I pulled into that garage like fucking. I'm sure. Like the dude in the garage like the dude is out to the last She's so lucky

I took her to a garage Took her back to the garage It was so funny because she's like, I got the best garage in town She's like, what are we gonna do in here? I go come on, we went in there We're gonna punch bags, I'm gonna punch your bags I had gym clothes on

I had like, I was headed to the gym and I saw We started making out, she was tremendous, she was beautiful Her hair was short, we started making it I took a little vest off, a little penguin suit I took that skirt off, I threw her on the fuck bench she thought her head was gonna blow like nobody had ever treated it that way just like what you said a weight bench it was a weight bench like nobody had ever put this girl on a bench she looked at the bench she was like really i go get on that fucking bench

picked her fucking legs up i ate that muffler I ate that monkey I fucking condom I went in there like a soldier Jesus and that was the end of that dog it was tremendous she was beautiful when I was driving home I don't know she was crying I don't know what the Fuck the problem. Why would she be crying? I'm just kidding. You made her see God. No, I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. Oh my God. We were friends after that for a while. I mean, we never had sex that time, but we were friends for a while and we talked deep time. Even after I got out of a halfway house, she would call me with dilemmas. You know, she was one of those.

Dilemmas. I wonder if maybe the mushrooms are making me a little more bashful because when you're telling these super dirty sex stories, I'm getting a little like. No, you've all lived these stories. You've been fucked on a bunch of thousand times. But I've never bashful. How many times you get fucked on a weightlifting bench?

On a weightlifting bench? Not one time. What kind of animal are you? How many times have you gotten banged at the gym in the men's bathroom? Tell me the truth. Never. Come on. I swear to God.

How about the woman's bathroom? Nobody said to you, give me that sweaty. I never fucked a stranger at the gym and never fucked a guy with dating at the gym. Don't you have any fucking adventures? Yeah. I mean, fitting rooms like at the mall, like movie theater bathrooms. I just haven't done it. or just a random motherfucker at the movie theater?

No, I don't really fuck randoms. I really don't. So these are boyfriends that took you to the movie theater and said, take it off, you dirty animal? Oh, well, not necessarily a boyfriend, just like someone I'm dating. So I would take you to the movie theater

to put a hole in the popcorn, put my dick in the box. And for popcorn, so when you grab the popcorn, you massage the helmet and shit. That's great, Joey. That's great. Invisible assault.

You hide your dick in a box of popcorn. That's if I was in the sixth grade. These are jokes. He's the jokes. What? You're the only one with jokes, cuck, sucker? That's so funny. I don't know, man. I've been trying to have more adventures. I'm trying to learn to be, um, I'm trying to learn to be able to be more casual about it. Like, but I don't fuck strangers. No, like, I'm never me a guy and within like an hour we're fucking. I never do that. Two hours. Three. Three. But only once. Only once. I just don't do it. I don't know why. Let's say, you know, listen, man. When you go to a bar, it's such a cheesy fucking environment.

But, like, one time I met a girl at midnight, I was a boulder walking around. And she was walking around. She asked me if I had a light. We started talking. We started walking. By 3 o'clock, we were naked. And at the university behind a bullshit. Were you still walking? Oh, my God.

Yeah, we just kept walking and talking. You know, sometimes you get attracted to somebody and shit happens, man. I mean, there have been nights that I would have done it that I can think of in my head where the guy, actually, this is interesting. The guys that I, there were two guys that I wanted to hook up with so bad within like two, three hours of meeting him. And we were one in particular, oh, God, he's so hot. You used to play NFL football, body of like a Greek fucking like God. So we're in an Uber. I just met him.

We start hooking up. I can tell it's going to be amazing. And I would have gone home with him. And then all of a sudden, he was like, you know, we should do this next time. And I was like, are you sure? And he's like, yeah, we should do this next time. So now I wonder if maybe like he had a girlfriend there or something. Like every once in a while a guy will will push me off.

And they're usually the ones I want the most. It happened with him. He said we should do this next time. And then there was one other time. I tried. Oh, I was so into this guy. We started making out this bar. We just met.

He was super funny. He kind of had the edge. Like he might punch somebody or beat somebody up in the bar, which I like. You know, I like that. So we started hooking up at the bar. bar and then he's like he calls an Uber and then I think we're going to get in it and go back to his place together and then he was like hey it was so good to meet you I'll definitely hit you up we'll do this next time and I never heard from him again and I thought the sex with that one was

going to be like off the chart hot so what do you think that is because those guys were the ones I wanted the most ever it means I want guys that are unavailable on some deep level that's why the ones I instantly want to bang because my vagina knows what are you telling me this shit for call the psychiatrist and tell them the therapy's working my vagina's psychic no uh it's fucking crazy man it takes a lot to catch yourself yeah you know what I'm saying like it takes a lot to go you know what this ain't gonna work tonight it's not something that I've always and ever said because look at me I got to take what they're given. You know what I'm saying?

I can't say, well, this ain't going to work. I'll see you next time, Kate. Yeah, what is that? Who the hell knows, Kate? Maybe they are married, maybe. It's got to be me. I've got to be attracted to people that, like, can't, because they have a reason, like a person or an emotional block.

Or they're like, wait. Or their dick just doesn't work. I'm attracted to guys who are impotent. Are you really? I don't know, but that's what I'm saying. Why else would they be turning me down? Do you take guys home and they get dead dick a lot? No, it's only happened once.

Well, they, oh, they were doing drugs? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, fucking... I don't really take guys home, though. If I'm going to go, I go to their place. I don't take them my place.

Why not? Because I don't want to have to kick them out because I don't like to be rude. And I like to be in charge of when I leave. So if I want to stay, I'll stay. But if I want to leave, I want to be able to leave. But if we're at my place, then, you know, I can't just walk out at any time. Right. So I have to really trust someone to bring them home.

And you're like, the party's over. Yeah. It was good last night when it lasted. I took a look at you this morning. I smelled your feet. There's no more. I don't know because sometimes what if you get them back there and you start hooking up and there's some surprise you don't know about.

Like they're really smelly or maybe once they get behind closed doors, they are crazy and you don't want them, you know, in your apartment. But now they're in your apartment. Stop being a young girl, man. So I'd rather go to their place and get murdered there. I'm just kidding. It's tough being a young woman, man. It really is.

It's fucking heavy, dude. You have to be pretty. Not to be pretty. To be fat, not to be fat. You don't know why a guy likes you. There was a girl in high school. I had a glass eye. I always think about her.

Because I think about she got married. As most men do. No, because when we were in high school, nobody would talk to her. Aw. Because she had a glass eye. When you're young like that, you don't think about

you know, people's feelings. And I always think about what happened to her. Did she have a hook up with somebody that somebody overlooked the eye? Maybe she's missing an eye, but she sucks a good dick. So you just say,

fuck it. I'll take the one with the Michael Bisbee guy. Oh, my. That's what she has. So many things I want to say that I'm not. She had a little Michael Bisbee. It was nice and sweet until the last. I know.

I always wondered if they got together. I always did. I always, she was a nice girl. Maybe she was. You know, I mean, she didn't, she would never date me even with the one fucking eye. It's not like, you know, you know what I'm saying? You don't know. She was very sweet.

I always thought about it. Anybody overlooked that. She told me once that she had a crush on a guy and I knew the guy and I knew the guy and I knew she couldn't get the fucking guy. I never really said nothing to it. It was out in place for me to say something. But from time, I always think she was a nice girl. Somebody ever dated her. She had the glass eye.

That's it. That's sweet. Yeah, there's nothing funny about it. I wonder what made you think of her. I'm like the girl with the glass eye. Who, you? Yeah. No, you don't have no glass eye.

My personality is the glass eye. Yeah, sure. Right. It's not on the outside. It's on the inside. So what else do you have beside Tempe after Tempe? You have a lot of work. Yeah, I'm actually, oh, God, I got to think.

I'm doing Phoenix. Actually, I'm doing Phoenix again at another club. I don't really want to promote it on here since we're coming. I'm doing Vegas. I think I'm doing Vegas end of the month again with Steve Byrne. And then I don't know. Follow me on Twitter. I post everything there.

I can't think of it off the top of my head. Joe, you gave me too many mushrooms. You have a web page? Yeah, Kate Quigley.com or Instagram and Twitter at Kate Q Funny. I'm way better at updating. Also, my Facebook fan page. That's way more up to date all the time. But, oh, yeah, I'm doing a week in Vegas with Theo Vaughn, actually, at the Laugh Factory.

That's going to be really fun. So I'm always getting around. I'm trying. I'm trying. What about the Playboy Show? When does that go back of the season three? Oh, we should start shooting in the next eight weeks. And then what else?

Oh, and check out my podcast. Your guys listeners have been listening to my podcast, which is awesome, which is called Date Fails. And I have Tony Baker doing it with me now. I don't know if you know Tony. He's super duper funny. Black dude. Yeah. I know.

I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so funny and he's the perfect edge, like the opposite edge of me, because he's got his pulse on like not just dudes but like these hip like what's going on with like the hip kids and I feel like I just know what's going on with like girls that are crazy so it's it's cool and we talk about all our bad dates and I'll have you on it sometime bad dates yeah I don't have bad dates I just got crabs I didn't get bad dates I just got crabs or stamenca juice and I got a new grill did you see my grill I saw your fucking grill I also want to thank

John Petrovsky. He gave me a fucking tremendous album. He gave me the Black Crows, the second album, the one with Remedy on it, fucking tremendous. I had that on cassette in my fucking whatever. Like I said, this weekend, myself and Kate will be a Tempe.

And then February 3rd through the 2nd through the 4th, oh shit. It's motherfucking Nashville coming at you, bitches. So take that and put it in your pipe. Listen, I want to talk to you people about something. Valentine's Day's come. Everybody's always complaining about being single. We don't know what to do or nothing like that.

You know, it's funny how my mom used to dress me in suits and she always liked when I was clean. I won't put a suit on for Dick now. And it's pretty sad because I'm 54 years old. And I should be wearing suits on stage and being a little bit more professional. I'm going to tell you something. What I'm going to do out of respect for you guys is get myself a little Indochino suit. I went down there and got measured. I went down to Beverly Hills and got measured. the whole thing. I never went and picked up the suit because I'm such an asshole. I never go to that part of town. But I'll tell you what, you don't know what it's like to get measured for a suit compared to a generic off the fucking rack suit. When you go to Indochino, man, the fucking things they measure are unbelievable.

And I'll tell you what, like I'm telling you, I know for a fact I'm no fucking Mel Gibson, but with a suit, I could sell you whatever the hell I need to sell you. Tell them when I put on a suit, I'm a savage and shit. Indochino is one of the largest made-to-measure men's wear brands. You get quality suits made to your exact measurements for, listen to me, a perfect fit. You also get to customize your suit just the way you want. At the inside, the outside, here's how it works. You visit the showroom or you shop online at Indochino.com. You pick from hundreds of fabrics.

You choose your customizations, from lapels to pleats to jacket linings to more. submit your body measurements, you place your order, and wait for it to arrive in four weeks. That's how easy it is. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Valentine's Day is coming. You don't want to show up with that fucked up sweater and those disgusting jeans and then wonder why you're fucking single, all right? So this week's listeners, you're going to get any premium Indochino suit for $399. Less.

No. I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. Three eight. My listeners, you're going to get any premium Indochino suit. suit for $389 at Indochino.com when you enter church at the checkout. That's 50% off the regular price for made to measure premium fucking suits, banging, plus the shipping is free. That's Indochino.com promo code C-HU-R-C-H for any premium suit for $389

and free shipping, bitch. Where are you going to get that action from? It's an incredible deal for a suit. and don't fit you better than anything you've ever fucking worn off the rack at Kmart or whatever the hell you shop. Go to Indochino.com right now and press in church and get any premium Indochino suit for $389 and shipping is for free. That's 50% off, all right? Go to Indochino.com right now. Number two, why are you walking around with a stinky ass again?

You wonder why nobody wants to suck your dick because you're bought. sack smells your helmet smells like fucking piss what do you think happens to your dick and your answer when you're 25 years old it's 25 years of getting fucked in the ass with shit every day what do you think it's gonna fucking smell like? What do you think it's gonna fucking smell like? Huh? Tell me that's why hello tushy.com is here to save the day but days are back motherfuckers okay there's no need to walk around with stinky balls or stinky pee stain or that fucking crease between your legs and your nutsack. That smells like a goat's fucking neck.

You don't need that no more. Go to hellotushy.com. Bidays are back. Beautiful. Break it down for them, Leek, because I'm too high to break it down. Oh, that's amazing. I save my life.

I should start every day with one. You get on, you have hot or cold. I have the cold. It took me less than 30 minutes to install. It's great. You put it right on. And I can't do anything at the house. And it's amazing.

It just gets you clean. I don't do. For real? You know, Joey does the whole, the turtleneck, the dipping. I don't do that. I just do the, just. No way. Yeah.

I perfected this little rock and roll method that gets the front and the back. Shut up. And you know what? Hello pushy.com right now. You got a 60-day money back guarantee. Tell them, Lee. Don't sit there like a fucking must-door. Just do it.

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you'll avoid bacteria swamp bass I really do diseases germs you got to wash that ass three four times a day because unbelievable even when you don't take a poop you should be washing that muffler because germs you're eating all those GMOs and all those potato chips what you think happens in your asshole what you think happens to Lee's asshole with all that humms what do you think can we not think of that creeps around the rim like sheet rocked around the fucking like a side you ever get a light socket and put sheet rock around it that's what hummus does to the asshole that's why you got to get hello pushy.com right now

and if you go to hello pushy.com right now and press in church boom c h u r c h you get 10% off to all my listeners remember 60 day money back guarantee let me tell you some it's a great product and it's a great product for valentine's day let's say you date somebody and they have a smelly ass so you try to toss their salad and they're assholes things like Jersey. You can't tell them. Listen,

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Church. And if you live in a place that has more than one bathroom, do yourself a favor and just get two of them right away. Because you're going to be fighting over it, And if something happens, get the third one. Don't live like I did without the sleep apnea machine.

I love you, motherfuckers. Again, me, Kate, and Ali Moose at the Tempe Improft Thursday, Friday, two shows, Saturday, two shows. Come on by and say hello. I appreciate you with all my heart. We'll be back Wednesday night. Again, Indochino, Tushy, and Onit.com. Thank you for sponsoring the show. Kate, I love you at all my heart.

Thank you for having bigger balls and have these fags in Hollywood. Lee, you're my dog to the end, you fucking badass Jew. Love you, buddy. Stay black. Hit it.