The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #448 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with Uncle Mike

Episode Date: January 19, 2017

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, are joined LIVE in studio by Joey's longtime friend Uncle Mike.  Mike and Joey sold cars together, shot student films and Mike drove Joey around to a lot of his early comedy gigs.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 01/18/2017.  

The Church of What's Happening Now is presented by On It. This show is brought to you by Hellotushi.com. The days are back. The Church of what's happening now is honored to introduce you to hellotushy.com. Hellotushy.com makes portable devices that spray your butt completely clean with water. That's right, Uncle Mike. Completely clean with water. I don't know what I did before I had it.

Go to Hellotushy.com slash church right now to get 10% off of your order. It's hysterical There you go Another fun-filled fucking afternoon Uncle Joey Uncle Mike The Flying Jew

My main man Lee Syatt A lot of love, baby The church of what's happened now What a band Thursday The 19th Of January

Get your shit together Well this is gonna happen to you right there You gonna take your car Ask your fucking girlfriend Your fucking credit cards There you go Fucking tremendous Nothing but fucking balls

Heart and soul Listen to that motherfucker What's happened you bad savages Lee Syatt Uncle Mike here You don't need to know nothing about Mike Mike's my uncle he's my best man at my wedding I've been hanging out with Mike

since 1990 since I got out of a halfway house, maybe a year before I got into stand-up comedy. So we're going to go over a few fucking crazy stories tonight. You said it was like you were around my age when you met Mike, roughly. I'm not sure. So 90, I was 27 years old. Wow, yeah. You were younger than me.

You were smaller. Oh, a lot smaller. A lot smaller. I was just, I had just gotten out of the joint when I met you. You were fighting. Oh, I was fighting. Oh, I was fighting weight. I was hitting the bag.

I was swimming. I was lifting fucking weights. I was running in both. You know, Boulder, at that time in 1990 was a very, you know, when you looked at, they had a newspaper, Boulder, and they had a section about activities. Everything was health-relatedly. In those days, like, there were bars in Boulder. They had a thing called Friday afternoon club at a bar that was one of the hottest, disgust those spots in the country. that made Playboy magazine.

You couldn't even fucking drive on a rap hole boulevard on Friday from all the people that would come from all over the state, Wyoming, just to hook up. It was FAC, Friday afternoon club. And beside that, there were the Pearl Street

bars, pearls, where our friends, the Jewish guy's wife worked, bartended. Pottors, potters. Potters. And there were those string of bars. But that's it. There was one strip club. the bus stop. That sounds terrible.

The bus stop. They were all CU co-ed. They were all fucking girls from the university and the funny thing was that the guy died and he left it to a church

and the church inherited the fucking strip club and they were thinking of the cellar. See, we were doing those bong hits to stop banging on the fucking table please for the love of Christ.

Hey, so there was the bus stop so there wasn't much to fucking do them both in those days. Besides work out? You know, everything was health-related. Moonlight, walk in the mountains. There's fucking snakes and mountain lions up there in Shatahua.

You want to go for a fucking moose walk at night. You know, everything was like very health-oriented. In Boulder, it was very rough to be fat. When you went to the YMCA in Boulderly, there was three fat people out of 100 in there. Because the city was so health-oriented. So why was it tough to be fat? You felt bad?

or I got like what was tough about it? It's the culture. It was the culture. You know, it's like, you know, like, we live in this incredibly. We live in this incredibly beautiful spot. You know, how we all ended up there is who the fuck knows. I don't know how I ended up there. That's another story.

And then bumping into him on the street coming down from the halfway house. And that's just, you know, I got that moment like frozen in my head, you know. There was a Mexican place that their menu was a healthy. There was a few blocks in Boulder in those days. The original restaurant was called the Harvest Lee. Oh, yeah, you've spoken to the vegetarian place. Harvest was, if I have to sit here with you and go one of my favorite restaurants of all time, it was the harvest. What made me going there, Lee, I don't know.

The iced tea was the best iced tea. It had caffeine in it to the gills. It was stronger than Greasy Tony's fucking Mountain Dew. When they tried to put a new iced tea, the fucking town signed a petition of Boulder. This is how fucking crazy Boulder was in those days. They got a petition together against a restaurant to bring back the fucking tea, the original tea. Oh, they were going to boycott the fucking restaurant. How do you think you always end up in these crazy cities?

Like North Bergen, Bolt, like, because you changed your mind, right? Like you weren't going to Boulder? I was not going to boat. I ended up in bolder. I ended up in Boulder. The truth that the matter was, I ended up in Boulder because I owed $60,000. You know, I fucking, I was a suspect. And, you know, 10 burglaries from two years before.

I was under investigation. Some guy had turned and they caught him and his wife stealing from the city of Aspen. So his return was that he'd bring in drug dealers. Oh, no. So he went to different people, and whenever he comes to my house, he'd go, let's go talk outside. That's how I knew. He had cops close by with the paramilic box. Oh, no.

Motherfucker. And then one night, what I did was I went to my friend Carl's house, and I left my car there, and I took his car. And I took a ride around the mountain, and I came down my mountain instead of go up it. And I went behind this thing, and there were the fucking cars. And there was the telescope. I saw it right there. And I just fucking went down. It was right around Thanksgiving of 86, maybe.

The Giants were in the Super Bowl, maybe. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And I fucking were supposed to, I ordered a turkey. This company was going to kill a turkey. And we're supposed to pick it up on Wednesday, right? And that fucking Tuesday night, it starts snowing, and I'm fiending. a fucking savage

I'm fiend and these days my paranoia had gotten so bad my testimony had gotten so bad in these days that I couldn't even get high in my own house so I would have to get a package and go to Lee's and get away 200 dollars

and say Lee take Paula to the movies and don't come back right? Because you thought like they were watching your house? Oh yeah so I would only get high at people's houses I would go over and pay them to leave their house but didn't you think they were following you to that person's house? No, no, no. I would park the car and walk through bushes and fucking camouflage and rifles. By that point, my paranoia was so out of control. It was, it was really,

it was, it was, it was, I was ready to check into a hospital. But I wasn't, I was too proud to admit it that cocaine had taken its fucking toll. It was like seven hard months leave of six nights a week, eight more a night, no sleep, you know, uh, taking care of my I sell food and working out, but no sleep. Just living on fucking two hours a night. And here it is November, and I told the girlfriend, I'm going for a ride. Keep rubbing your hands.

Keep rubbing your hands in front of the microphone. Yes, that what happens? You're going to light a fine. I told the girlfriend at the time, who ended up being my wife, I was going to take a ride. I went, I copped a fucking 3, 21 grams. And I paid Kato 100 bucks and a little coke to get the fuck out of his apartment.

And I stayed there from Tuesday night to Thanksgiving around five. I still remember watching one of the football games and going, when is this Coke going to end? And Cato's knocking on the door. Come on. I got a fucking cook. My aunt's coming over. Would he go to your house?

What did he do? I walked into my house and she was halfway back. She was halfway back. She goes, I don't know what to do. People have been calling here. People are looking for your money. Some guy knocked on the door. The guy from the supermarket called the turkey's down there waiting for you.

You order the turkey. You were supposed to like, I was going to do this Scarface type dinner. Like I was out of my mind. Like dinner for eight, we were going to start party on Wednesday and then eat turkey. Nobody was going to fucking make turkey. And I had borrowed my head contact. In those days, I used to go to people and go, Mike, you got 3,000. Yeah, I'll give you back 4,400 in two days.

Give me 3,000. And I had gone to this guy that was in, police academy. His mother owned a pizza place in Snowmass Village. His sister and her husband on the pizza place and he was a pizza dude and he was studying to be a cop.

But he would always come to me and say, I want to know the other side of the world. So finally after like three years, after him begging me for a year, I got him for three Gs and I got somebody else for like four Gs. And one of my drug deals,

I'd gotten a pound of pie. that Mike if you looked at it you were like this weed looks fucking tremendous it smelled tremendous you could smoke 80 joints of it nothing would happen not even bad breath nothing this weed was fucking horrendous I took that seven grand I took that seven grand I had to pay off two or three people like two three thousand I kept like four grand and that Friday right after Thanksgiving everybody kept calling me call them I said listen I'm taking a trip on two I'm coming back with 22 ounces.

By this time I knew everybody was watching me. So I told everybody on the phone, you follow me? So even if the people were watching me, they thought I was taking a trip on Tuesday. If we're gonna bust them, let's wait till Tuesday. He's gonna take a plane and we'll get him on the way back with the cocaine. Was anyone ever listening or were you just doing that? Yes, no. The phones were tapped.

We were on. In those days, they had to put a tag on your phone. phone on your phone on your phone box where your phone box was there was no cell phones there was no cell phone yeah yeah so they had to put the feds had to put a certain tag or the state of local cops had to put a certain tag on your thing so you'd go to whoever had that box or you would break into it yourself and there would be the fucking thing then they sold these boxes you could buy these boxes in those days and connect them to your phone and have people call you the thing turned red the phone was tapped

That fucking thing was always read. Where would you get that? Don't worry about where you get this shit, all right? Just listen and learn. So I told everybody on that phone that I was going back to the East Coast to pick up a kilo of this shit that Noriega had processed themselves. I had these people salivating. Why?

Because I wanted them to butt think I was going to come back on Toos me and that was going to bust me. That was going to give me four or five days to get the fuck out of town, Knucklehead. They're waiting for me till Tuesday. They're going to stop watching me. I'm going to get in my car and head to fucking Boulder. Wherever the fuck we're going to go. Oh, I got it. So you're not coming back.

Who the fuck did you think you're dealing? Why would you put that on the phone line? So on the late Friday night when everybody was fucking nappy Nunu and thinking, we'll just get him on Tuesday. I packed what I had in the car. I got the fucking dog. I got that half pound of weed and I went to this drug deal. I owed $30,000. And I said, listen, I know you've heard this before.

I know you've heard this before but we got to make this deal I got this guy he wants an ounce of Coke I got like a thousand bucks and a pound of weed I will be back here in one hour with the balance and if you want to keep the pound

you can keep it for 500 or I cut her a deal her eyes smothered head this bag of weed for 500 it's tremendous you thought she had a deal I said don't smoke until I leave don't smoke until I leave

I got in that fucking car it's a dirty business This Coke was fucking tremendous. This girl got in fact, she lives here now in Los Angeles, and she's a manager. She's somebody's assistant. Randy Jackson, somebody Biggs assistant. I owed her like dirty lodge. I fucking took that fucking ounce of blow.

I got in that car. I did two bumps, and I got on the road to Boulder because the girl that was with was from Boulder. And this is where? New York? No, this is. It's no mass village. Right, okay. It took us two days together.

back to Snowmass Village to four-hour fucking drive. From Snowmass to Bold, it's four hours. It took us two days. You know why only? The scenery? We were so paranoid. We were checking to hotels. Do a line of Coke and then check out and get out.

Oh, my God. We checked into four hotels one night. That's how fucking paranoid you were. The sex on Coke must just be amazing because every other Coke story sounds terrible. At that point, the sex was good, but it didn't matter. The cops were looking for me.

I had no time for fucking lovey-dovey, all right? It's the fucking business. There's a time for lovey-dovey, and there's a time for fucking business, all right? Oh, my God. So we just drove back to Boulder. And I got the money I had left over, and I got a little apartment up in North Boulder with another guy that didn't do coke, but he did more coke than the both of us. And his creepy girlfriend, they were locked themselves in the bedroom.

Oh, it was a fucking hour of show. It was a fucking hour of show. And I couldn't find a job. So I got a job of the car wash. as a towel guy and I was drying off fucking cars Oh no The puddle car wash

Then I got promoted to fucking Like the second towel guy Like the guy who brings the towels on To all the fucking idiots Shit 52 hours a week For seven bucks a fucking hour That's what you

That's what you're doing Then I'm a joint No no no no Then from there I went over To Bill Crouch's body shop First Okay Bill Crouch had a body shop

Out down 57 to the Rapper Hall I forget the guy's name Good dude and the dude that was running the place Was from New York I detailed no first I started as a shagga 85 hours for fucking Guys I forget what it was It was a I started working for them

It was 60 hours a week And I got 800 a month flat And what's a shagger do? You want to tell them it was shagga does I clean bathrooms I give people rides When they drop their cars off I give them a ride

or had to be there at six to start giving people where I'd steal the change out of the car, the roaches, the guitar clips, anything I could steal was gone. I don't know what happened to it, the vacuum cleaner took it. You know me, the fucking vacuum. I don't know nothing. Lee, the hardest two or three months in my life, because I couldn't quit. I wouldn't let myself quit. The money was garbage, but I had to prove it to myself that I still had it.

That doesn't even sound like it was minimum wage. It was horrific. It was horrific. It sucks. I made the best of it because I hustled there. The people liked me. People would say, you know what? Wash my car, take a 20 off the top.

I got weed there. I bought coke there. I had friends there. Had you already been a car salesman at that point? No. I didn't do nothing at that point. See, that's why. And granted, yours sounds like a little harder than being a PA, but it or kind of the same, maybe.

But I think those kind of jobs are important. I think even for a couple months That's the job with I had a manager That was a fucking dick His name was Dirk Jordan or Dirk Johnson Something like that I'm gonna forget this fucking jerk off right He was all these dudes that was a fucking geek

But they made him a manager And he would pull rank on you and shit like that Richard He thought he was real fucking cute So he would pull rank on you So one day I'm sweeping Like I did everything shitty I emptied the oil

I had to take a take take the cars after a collision and vacuum them and then drive them around I'd get glass stuck in my fucking neck and shit Jesus and then they'd fucking fix the car and then after they painted it I'd have to wash it and put a special thing on it and then dry it really good and give it back to them and then I had to help the dude who installed stereos lead I did everything there for 800 a fucking month yeah then they finally promoted me to a detail I was a junior detail which meant I was on commission but I was guaranteed 100 bucks a day and I was making a 150, 200 a day, because you know me, dog.

They had these cars that came off the boat with cosmaline on them. All right? When you bought a Honda in those days, Toyota, not a Toyota. What did they have? They had Crouch Honda, Nissan, Crouch Subaru, Kroach Mitsubishi. All those cars came with cosmaline on them.

Is it a coating? It's a coating for the ship. So the salt and that type of stuff doesn't get into the car. Oh, got you. So you got to wash that Cosmaline off with a special chemical. Some nasty shit. You got to wash it off first, then I'd have to take the wrapping off.

I'd have to put the floor mats down. I'd have to push a button to connect the stereo. I'd have to do, like, four or five things on the checklist. Those, that car took two hours. They gave you, like, 30 bucks. If it was a used car, you got, like, 35 bucks, which is four hours. But you were involved in the lottery, you know what I'm saying? So you took them as they had them

But I became friends with the people at the Honda place Who was a girl named Lori Roller Lori ended up marrying our drug dealer Vince Right, that's where they met at the Honda dealer She was the hot blonde behind the thing Me Vince We all worked together Did you know that? That's why I met Vince

In 1988 at Boulder Auto Body That's why I met these motherfuckers in 87 He was the head detailer He knew everything. He was the baddest motherfucker. He was the baddest motherfucker there. So Dirk used to pull rank on us. And one day I'm cleaning out the gutter.

The circle thing, all the drain water goes in from washing the cars. And there's a fucking rat that's dead. So I look over to the side and there's Dirk Jordan's jacket was hanging on the hook. So I took the fucking rat. I dried it with paper towel. And first of all, I don't know how you say he pulled rank. He's your manager. He's my manager.

But he was one of those dudes that was a manager But he's lucky to be breathing he's a fucking retard He's lucky to be breathing one of those managers that you look at and go really I will fucking out matthew the debt you understand me I will out matthew the debt Choose the algebra bitch like they just got manager because they'd been there long as a fucking moron, you know And then he had this little certain rank to him so I took that rat and put in this pocket Right? I fucking I went home I forgot about it and then they forgot about it and then

Next day he comes in, his car's all banked up and shit. He reached his pocket for cigarettes. And it was the fucking rat. And he almost hit a pole. He hit like a fucking farmer's thing. So boom, one day go over the fucking Peter Pinto. I'm sure that's his real name. That's his name.

Stop coughing the fucking microphone. You're worse than I am. God damn it. And I'll sniff a little, too, right? The fucking microphone. When you got to do anything, move away so these people don't live the experience. Is that how this works? Yeah, you got to move away.

There you go. There you go. I don't drink water. Because then they get mad at me. They get mad at me for everything. Every day I got a fucking new note. Stop drinking water. I'm going to sit there for three hours and talk and dehydrate.

So there was a dude Peter Pinto, who you knew was a fucking thief. Married to Mary to Mustin. Day one. And there's this young kid that worked from P. No, no, no. I'm lying to you guys. I'm lying to you guys. okay.

So in those days, it was the Honda store, the Subaru store, and the Mitsubishi store. The Honda store was very white. Everybody wore a nice suit. Subaru, you could tell these guys might have a felony, or they might rob somebody, or they were on the run for killing their wife or something. Okay, I can live with that.

But the Mitsubishi store was the fucking Raiders. They were all, it was the two Indies. Little Means They had three salesmen That were over six for four Yeah Two big fucking Indians that were over Two 90 six foot six

And they were sitting in Mitsubishi's Those little jeeps When they were tipping over They had them, they were selling them at car They were selling them at label over there What do you call that sticker? Those guys were making fucking 15,000 a month In 1987 selling Mitsubishi's dog in those days

That place became a tire store that place like years later became a Thai store that little store generated millions in those years of Mitsubishi those little fucking jeeps no no no no no no the ones that were tipping over no that's Suzuki Zzuki! They were selling Zazukis and we were doing Zazukis

that's the fucking Jeep they were selling Oh wow and they had like four salesmen What's his name? Lee Ayakoka he did that They were selling that four sales Lee at the Subaru store There was seven salesmen, and in those days, in 1987, they were selling 135 cars out of there. Wheeler was the general, the sales manager. Peter Pinto was the fucking, the new car manager, and there was no floor manager.

And I would go in there every day and break their balls. Hey, what's up? The Suzuki guys, you couldn't say a word because you'd get stabbed at that dealership. What does Suzuki sell besides those things? That's it. That's it. selling 80 cars a month over there and the fucking Subaru had

seven salesmen they were doing like 135 in the Honda store that store was rocking in those days there was a new car store that's before John Elway took over the other fucking store in Westminster and fucked them all up in the ass because we didn't want to buy a car from John Elway

everybody okay so I'm dropping off cars to all three dealerships and I become friends of Peter Pinto and one day he goes why you What are you wasting your time over here for? He invites me over. He goes, you should be selling cars. I said, okay, I'll come over one day.

I'll take the day off. He goes, no, no, you're going to come over for good. I took the day off in the body shop just to see if I were like it. On the first day, I sold three cars. I made $1,000. Dog, I had to work four weeks to make $800. My first day of selling cars, I made $1,000, and he gave me $100 spiff, you know, cash in the hand. That means I'd get a half grand.

Ram a Coke. I could fill up my car. And they still have $10 for a fucking egg sandwich and a soda for breakfast. You understand me? That's how you did the math in those days. It all started with a $100 bill, okay? A $100 bill got you where you got to go. If you didn't eat gas, you used it for being it.

How did you sell three cars in the first day? I have no fucking idea. Just out of just talking to people, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I start selling cars. I start snorting coke over there. country. I fucking, I leave. I go to the Chrysler store.

I go back to the Subaru store. I get arrested at the Subaru store. All right? I do time. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Mike, Uncle Mike moves to Boulder while I'm doing fucking time. I get out.

They put me in the halfway house. But I met Mike on the second tour of the halfway house. Because I was out already for a while. Then they put me back in because I had the drug test and shit. So they put me back in. And now I had to be on. I couldn't, I was, they threatened me. They said, listen, any violation,

you're going to go right back to prison. So in those days, I didn't even drive. See, before that, I would drive. I would hide my car by the Nissan dealer, and I would walk two blocks to the halfway house. That's how you scan them. You parked a car like three blocks away, deep in the bushes off and off street

but nobody expected it. And then you'd fucking go over there and get in your car. Mike Kessler's going deep on the Red Stars of Death and shit. Why do you hate fucking? Following rules. Because I didn't want to walk around. I'm in a fucking pedestrian.

I got to take a bus and shit. I got a car. Why am I going to fucking walk around? I got a car. They didn't let you. But the second time they put me in, I walked everywhere. I was like, fucking Jesus. I walked up and down that fucking 28th street.

There was the Nissan dealership. Then across the street, if you walked up a little bit, there was a liquor store. And there was a place where I paid for a mailbox. And then if you kept walking up more, then you hit the car wash, and if you kept walking up more, you hit Lidizio in the buildings where I lived that back there. So the second time around, I was going to college,

and that's when I met Robert, who was an English, British Jew. And he used to tutor me in something. He used to either two to me in economics or something, and he sold cars with Mike, me and Uncle Mike hit it off. And then he took me to his house that night by Chautauqua. And your daughter was young. And that's when we first became friends. That was way before comedy, Mike.

Was even on the horizon. I had just had a child. Yeah, we were like just a couple of model parents. Yeah, we were just... No, nobody was a model parent in those days. Not you or I. No, I was lucky. I was lucky.

But we became friends because of a guy named Rob Dando. Right. Who I had worked with who was a straight guy. Right, who was a straight guy, whatever. But Lee at that time, he was the guy. I told you, I used to steal his lucky pen. I'm sorry. His lucky pen, every day you'd hide it.

I'd hide it, and one day I gave him back the whole roll of fucking pens. So he left Chrysler and went to, they opened up a new Toyota store all the way on the other side of Denver, some football player. In fact, it was John Elway, and you didn't have to wear shirt and ties. So Mike and this guy Rob Dando Decide to go all the way down there The cell cars Oh Jesus You forget about all this shit

I'm dropping that's why you're sitting there all half retarded Because I'm hearing you're giving you all this And you're sitting there going Jesus This guy's got a memory like a fucking hog I don't forget none of that shit Unbelievable Wow Strange times man

That's how you knew Rob Dando And that's how you connected with me Now we were all okay We all knew we did a packet from time to time if you got a package that was a little oversized you'd call me if I got a package that was a little oversized I'd call you then I got divorced I went back to New York I came back and that's when we connected heavy again

but we I wanted to tell people the struggle you know when I sit here at night and I talk about comedy and what it this was the beginning of my comedy career guys I moved back to Colorado and I'm dead serious about comedy. Like, this is it. I'm not fucking around anymore. And there's a contest. And at that time, the Denver comedy worst wasn't giving me any love. Nobody was giving me love.

There was one club that was giving me love on the Sunday night was called Club Mix. And it was a black club. And when I'm talking about a black club, they were so black. There wasn't even white chicks allowed in there. Like, this place was black, Jack. And the chicks were black and blacked. But on Sunday night, they did comedy.

And Cedric would come in. Any black comic you see that's big today came in. I never met Steve Harvey, but that's why I met Cedric. Do you mean Bernie Mac? Bernie Mac would go there. D.L. Hughley would go there.

It was one of those... It was one of those nights that it was a black promoter would bring in, but before they brought up the stars, and they weren't stars in those days, to be honest. They brought me and some other local, local black comics from fucking Denver.

How are you a black comic? Listen to me, dog. There was only two white dudes who were allowed to perform there. And it was me and this cat named Kevin Fitzgerald. That was the veterinarian on Animal Planet for many years.

He was a Vietnam vet. That was also a fucking killer. That was also the Stone's security for all those years on two tours. This guy was a bad motherfucker. They only liked me and him. All the other white acts that would go there on a Sunday, they'd boo him.

It was like, it was like $25 bucks in a drink ticket they paid you. Like, I used to be like in heaven because they'd pay me $20 bill to do fucking comedy. So I had to make a tape. I had to make a tape. I didn't know nothing about nothing. I didn't know about no tape. So I went to Mike, and I go, Mike, I got to fucking make a tape.

Because my daughter works with cameras and shit. Why don't you let her tape you? So on a Sunday night, we'd, drove to East Colfax, which in those days was hookers and busted hotels and crack hose and shit like this. I mean, Lee, I can't. He's right there next to me. And we parked in there and his fucking young daughter went in there set up a camera amongst

all these black people. She had to watch the camera with a gun and a bazooka tight door like a terrorist. If you touch the camera would go off. I mean, she taped the fucking set. Lee, it was the worst set you could ever imagine. I was dancing in the beginning. I mean, it was God garbage, but who gave a fuck? That's what this whole thing is about.

Like, this is, and he was with me. He drove me. She had solid gold balls. Yeah, this is 93, but then I'm working for a sports betting joint, and Mike comes to me when he goes, my daughter's doing a movie, and she wants you to play the bad guy. And she goes, in fact, she wrote it kind of about you,

kidnapping a dude and putting him in a trunk of my car and this whole thing, right? And this guys, this is fucking, at this time I'm going to Mike's house a lot, he's got a dog, he's got two young daughters, we're having a great time all the time. Me and Mike were doing bumps, we're smoking dope, we're going on missions in Boulder.

Listen, you know, me and Mike are like me and Lou's when we were kids. They could be a fucking, a foot of snow, and if we got an it's going to get scratched. That's just the way life. at that time. You know, he was my fucking yin, and I was his yang. Nobody understood him like I did. I still

remember one day he called me up crying, telling me like, I'm never going to do cocaine again, and I'm giggling on the other side going, Mike, you're talking to me? You don't have to sing this to me? I was completely serious at the time. Yeah, good, right, yeah, right. That was fucking nuts. So now, we were fucking nuts. That's it. I'm

divorced. That was close to the enemy. I'm bringing my daughter over to Mike's house. my baby daughter at the time Jacqueline the older one she would play with the dog remember the dog loved her and your mother and your wife and the whole fucking thing yeah this is how deep we go back guys

but then we do this movie I agree to do this movie up in this fucking town and this is a good thing this is a good thing I agree to do this movie we do this movie I get there at 12 o'clock and for fucking lunch I didn't know nothing about movies those days you tell me 12 o'clock I'm ready to go to 12 o'clock

I gotta get out of you I didn't know nothing that you're waiting around all day. Do you know what time I shot, guys? At 4 in the fucking morning they woke me up to shoot my scene. So, I got there at 12 o'clock Sunday for lunch and it was an all-day thing.

But something happened on the way to the fucking park that Mike's going to remember. So Mike's wife has this friend. Oh, geez, here it comes. This little cute little hip to this there. I'm done, man I'm fucking done I am done

Go ahead It's ugly It's fucking Oh man There'll be held to pay But But now The funny thing is

But here's the thing Is that This movie Comes out And it's like Good That's a good movie You know

Somebody still has it Somebody said they found the tape in their house with my stand-up on it. It wins the prize. It was like somebody named Goldberg or something. It was, we won down a fucking blue ribbon. Academy Award shit. But on top of all this, you know, I'm tired, Lee. We've been there all fucking day.

And I think I say something. Mike, it was 24 hours. I go, Mike, I got to fucking lay down. Oh, geez. There it comes. There it comes. Oh, jeez. Does he torture you with this,

Doyle? No, he don't know. He forgot all about it. No. I was thinking about what, you know. It's the women that I love that torture. They hate me every day. You know, I become like the devil, you know.

So I go on this. It's like they go, what, you know, why could you hang out with him? I go on this Toyota long bedroom. I don't know. With a fucking with a shell on it, right? I don't know nothing. There's a pillow in there.

Yeah, I lay down, right? I'm minding my own business. And also, the truck opens up, and this chick's like, hi, what are you doing there? I'm like, I'm taking a nap. She goes, this truck belongs to me or whatever. And she goes, I'm kind of tired. That looks kind of warm and cozy in there. I had like a blanket, something.

I'm in there laying down. One minute we're laying down. The next minute we're swapping. What are you talking about? It looks warmer and cozy in there. That never happens to anybody. She starts laying next to me. Oh, we start swapping, spit.

I started a finger and I'm, whatever the fuck happens. And I don't know what happens. I started eating a monkey. Oh, no. Then we just went for it. Fuck it. We took a chance. Columbus did.

Well, his daughter was shooting like a student film? No. This is 20. This is 20. There's this really small town outside of Boulder, right? It's like lions. Oh, my God. It's like Lions Colorado, right?

This is terrible. And it's like dining. in town, you know, and it's like, and I mean, the diner's real, right? Well, we get the people in the diner to let the kids shoot a film there, right? Okay. This is CU film school shit. So my daughter gets this idea from this story that Uncle Joey told her a long time ago, because that's what it was.

We don't look at him as a criminal. He decided he was a very creative guy. This is how we got through life. So, anyway, that's it. But anyway, so, you know, so. This whole town for 24 hours. We should just fucking, well, anyway. Yeah, what happened to woman?

Listen, I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. She sits next to me. We start swapping spit. I start fanging out. We're getting hot and nasty. She's really cute. She's just way older than me. But she was dynamite, man.

She had a great fucking body. But her little monkey was pissed. Oh, my God. And I gave her stabbing. I gave her stabbing Christopher Columbus. No condom, no nothing. It was tremendous. No condom is Christopher Columbus.

of this doll? Yeah, and I gave her like three days later, and they hate me at Mike's house, and they said I gave a chlamydia and shit like the Who is it? And then I bang her in the muffler and all this shot it bang her in the muffler It's never been the same It's never been the same Is it? They hate me, though Is this someone, can you tell us who it was? I don't know her name. This is the twenty-five Is she one? Did you like disappear into the mist after you know? No, this is this is well

If you gave somebody chlamydia, wouldn't you disqualify? disappearing into the mist. I'm fucking, what's her name? No, man. This had to be, this had to be January of February of 95. Okay.

And by this time, I was doing comedy, I was trying to do comedy. I think Mike would drive me from time to time, but at this time Mike also knew, Mike knew when I had the Rocky apartment. The one across the street from the YMCA, downstairs.

You remember that apartment at all? Fuck no, look at you I don't know That star of death is killing It's it I'm you know It's almost there The tickets is the basement

I was doing comedy You had a bench with Yes in the basement With the bench And I had the fucking tub Whatever The stand-up metal thing In the back

I don't know why I remember But I was always at your house You used to make veal scallopini And fucking spaghetti And all that shit I was into cooking And then you got a car And at the same time

I got thrown out of the comedy works And you gave me fucking car for 600 bucks but uh like you were in bolder that whole time when i was really angry about yeah you had some issues i was it was really bad for wally yeah that's some tough stuff like he saw it all he saw the whole thing he saw me pack up my car he saw me fucking head to the hills and do comedy and then we both reconnected it So we both left. I left Boulder in 95.

Okay. And I went to Seattle. I stayed up there for a while. And then I went on the road and hooked up with your daughter in Boston. She had a boyfriend, and they lived in Boston, the young, young daughter. Oh. The stockbroker guy lives in Laguna Beach or something now. Yeah.

So then we fucking went. You called me one day and you said, guess what? I'm coming to Los Angeles for something. and we went to a Christmas party on sunset. Me, you, my ex-manager, Jeff Gettlin, and his wife, and we went dancing at a bar, and you said you were coming back. And you actually came back, like a year later, maybe.

I don't know. But you came back, and again, now at this time, I'm a regular at the comedy store. You know, I wasn't doing movies yet, but it was starting to click for me. You know, you drove me to the apartment. You were there and met my wife. I mean, you were my best man, you know, nine years later.

But it was about that time, you know, also, you were like, you were allowed to park your car at the store. Yes. I was real impressed with you. Yeah, yeah. We haven't parked the car at the store. But also, I mean, there's like 50 guys that can't park their car at the store, right? No, we're parking everything. We're walking away in the back and drinking for free.

But it's funny that at that time, I was also in hell with the addiction thing, you know, but I was still moving along. That's why I tell these people all the time that the Coke problem I had was at night. At night, late night, when it was time to fucking work, you know, I was telling Lee when you got here that you drove me to the Spider-Man 2 audition on the Sony lot. On the hottest fucking day of the year, I had to wear a black velour sweats and wear. and walk from the parking lot to the Spider-Man's room, and he sat in the car and waited for me. He knew all these guys. He knew Gabriel, Felipe, Fly, Jeff Garcia, George Perez.

They used to call him the wolf. Silent Bob. Silent Bob. From Pulpiction? Yeah, they called him. We were out every fucking night doing something. I never knew that that's where it came from. until about two years ago.

All those guys. He's just go, they go, whoop, I go, the wolf. They used to call him the wolf. And I swear, I never. He was out with me. Three, four nights a week till fucking 11.30 at night. I was just hanging out and I was being like a teenager. You know, I was like an idiot, you know.

No. Yeah. It was great. It was great talking to you. You were here with me now. Now I had backup. Now I had family out here. You were.

And then what did we do? We did something. Were you around for the longest yard? Yes or no? Yeah. 2004 when I was shooting down there? No. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a guess. Yeah. Spider-Man, too, all that stuff? Yeah. By the way, I saw that movie the other night. It was on, and I was petting one of the cats, and I said, you know what? I really don't want to move.

Let me watch this for a second. Jesus Christ. It was the slowest 30 seconds in my life. I thought I was in a die of soft pain. Until Doc Ack takes that girl out of a restaurant by her throat, that movie's slower than fucking. And then it picks up. That's not bad.

That's one of the movies that like in and you're funny and but like those that that era of Spider-Man movies everyone loved and I didn't get it. The only one I liked was the last one where they would he turned black and it was kind of dark but then everyone else hated that one. But it was kind of weird. I don't know. I don't know. I thought he was a great Peter Parker.

There's one scene where he's looking. He's sitting there and he's going through changes like Lisa. two nights a week and he fucking uh he uh he uh what do you call that i was looking at him thinking transform and i looked at him yeah yeah yeah and he really in my mind i go yeah if i had think about what peter barker look like it would be yeah he was he really does he really does so uh i don't know you know mike uh stars of death yeah they guys yeah they I told you this, no, is it that. It's really weird because Mike saw me at my worst,

but then he walked me down the fucking aisle to marry my wife. So it's just, when you called me, you said you were coming to town, I said, what the fuck? He got me a job in an accurate place one time. I sold three cars, and the one day the guy got loud with me or something, and I don't know what happened. I told him I was going to throw him through a plate glass window or something. I was fucking crazy, just out of prison, fucking nuts.

I don't know what the guy said to Mike. He pulled Mike aside. I'm fucking crazy shit. They said, hurry. Joey's got the manager up by the throat. I don't know why I thought it was funny, but. I was laughing my ass off of you. No, I could not think you'd have heard him already, but by now, but I remember coming over there and kind of asking you like, Joey, Joey, this is like not a good idea.

Put him down. Would you, you know, it was hysterical. It was like, I go visit Mike of this job one day. I came in, and I got the monster off of him. All I had to do is ask. I'm serious. You didn't hurt the guy. I go visit Mike when there at his job.

And I was thoroughly entertained. And Mike's talking about something, Lee. And at that time, it's, uh... The guy had been disrespectful, by the way. Nice guy. He was about... Can I say? Then he was a psychotic, you know.

This is, I think I live in my. Damn. Oh, my God. I was out of my life. I was out of my fucking mind. I go to visit Mike. He's working in the car store. He grabs the manager.

He goes, I was crazy. That's psychotic. That's not like, that's not like a little crazy. And I'm sitting and I'm going like, I'm hanging out with this guy. What the fuck am I doing? But it was entertaining, you know, can the rest of my life, you know. You know, is that that point that a lot of people listen and get to, it's at that point where you figure out what you want to do with your life.

I'm still working on. But you have to have a job to pay your bills. And you're only doing this fucking job to pay your fucking bills. That was the point in my life. How was that? Like, all I want to do is be a fucking comedian. When is this going to fucking happen for me? Like, that was what I was going to.

time and I'm trying to work and these people are breaking my balls and all I want to do that's all I want to fucking do Lee and I couldn't figure out how to fucking do it that's one of the most inner worst that you could feel when you know what you want to do but you can't quite figure out exactly what needs to be done you know and now I got to fucking get in the morning and sell fucking cars for a living am i fucking retarded you know what i'm not doing and that's that was that those jobs like that i would last a month at them until one day i'm just going to do county and steal along the way whatever's not nailed down whatever however i can make money i'm gonna fucking do it you know one of the times i rob one of the dealerships might

I don't know I think I have no idea what you're talking about I plead the fifth and they blame on somebody else I don't know

a fucking thing I'm serious Scott is my witness There's no one on get the side Mike I have no I have absolutely no knowledge

he really didn't have any knowledge you know we were talking like two days later and they said somebody robbed your dealers. I think it was like $80 or something. No, it wasn't. No, it was it?

It was like three bills. Oh, wow, it's $300. Yeah, yeah. In those days, my rent was $400. Why do I have cash in a car dealership? Picking a car with cash. They make salesmen jump and they go, hey, if you can, like, tell me two in, like, the next hour, I'll give you $200. Oh, yeah, well, then that deserves to be.

you know it's a it's a job that you do when you can't do anything else you know you can't punch a clock you can't and it's really about you know can i communicate with people without screwing them over and stuff you know it has a nice car put you in it you buy it i make a little money if i do a lot of them we make some money i start making good money but you know we played it straightly fucking hilariously you know this is why I get happy when I tap into this part of my life and somebody in the room it sucks but it makes me laugh

because in those nights if I would do comedy how I would reward myself I would go to Rouse to the supermarket on 30th in Arapahoe I pull in there by myself at about 11.30, quarter to 12 and I'd buy a package of saltines a little piece of Adam cheese

and a little container of freshly squeezed orange juice and I'd go to the Accurate Dealership and I'd get out of my car and I'd look at the cars and I eat the cheese and eat the crackers at night and think to myself one day I'll be able to buy one of these fucking cars from making comedy, you know?

This is real shit. Then I had an Accura. I was planning to fucking rob Mike's dealership and take one of the cars and take it to my house and take the rims of. off it and put it on my ACURA and put the old rims on the other ACU and take it back to the dealership. You, Lee, this is, this is, this was a complete different person.

When I sit here in front of you, I sit here and we giggle about this stupidity, but this is where my head was at. I had a brand new ACRA, me and Mike went to the fucking Denver Nugget game and I hit Black Ice and the rim hit the fucking thing and I had to get an whole new rim. I had alloy wheels on this fucking ACA. Each rim was $2,000. I had $2 in my fucking account. I don't know anything about it. Yes, you do.

Don't fucking lie. But then you also, the driver, before you became the head driver here in L.A., when we used to go out every night. You were also the driver in Boulder for a few comedy shows. I forget what way you drove me one time. When you drove me to the black club, club mix,

but then you drove me someone. That was the name of a club mix. Yes But then you drove me somewhere else I was talking to my kid about it Yeah I said How old are you 12?

She says no no She was in film school Right I think right? Who When I met you guys No And this thing

We were this Isn't that the thing That she Shot What shot You know She filmed All right

Yeah she was in film school at that time. Okay, yeah. But I had met her before that because I had met you and I was friends with you and I was friends with your youngest daughter but I would go to a restaurant named Lidizio

every day. He was another guy I met in the halfway house that owned the restaurant. Great food. Him and his wife. Fucking grapefruit. Now they own the Mediterranean. They're a peace owner

or the Mediterranean and bowl the butt. He's the head fucking menu dude. Lee, forget about it. His are rabiata Lee. He puts panchetta hands. it that little fucking like real bacon Italian bacon with the fat more fat and little fat all put on one piece you know what that does the sauce and he fucking puts chunk of pepper it you have no fucking idea my friend he is one of the best his pizza I eat all the time

if I'm emboldened I haven't had his pizza in 20 fucking years what am I talking about he's still there he's still there he sold the restaurant but he still does the fucking pizzas on Saturdays and Sundays at the farmer's market or whatever he'd be worth it man if he shows up himself with the oven that's what he still does his hands on he's got some great stories i'm you know fucking bad bad bad state of mind it's it's uh maybe april of 1995 i'm broke i'm at war with my ex-wife i really want to do fucking comedy and I got a call from Mike that he's coming over to pick me up because he's working for a guy named Jack Smoot and he needs to pick up a car the guy was a wholesaler

when you wholesale cars at this time Mike was not in a lot anymore he had become a wholesaler where you go to a fucking what do you call those things on Tuesday and buy cars off the line auction and then you take them to dealerships so I'm in the car with Mike what a freak show I had gotten five from my Tuesday night hosting job at the broker. Why? Because things happened. Things happened. You were a fucking detective.

So, he threatened somebody. No, I got into an argument with the manager there. The manager, it just, it was my time to leave. You know what I'm saying? It was an argument that nothing really bad happened. We just argued, and then they said, you know what, we're going to get another host. And by that time, I had already done. my time there.

Lee, I had gotten what I could get in that room. I had already had 15 minutes of comedy. I had met 300 comics. I had done, it was a year and a half. I had done every fucking Tuesday night, you know? But I'm with Mike.

It's about 11 o'clock at night. I got a pager at the time. Oh, God. And I got a fucking page from 206, which is Washington. And I fucking, We run back to Mike's house with a calling card and we fucking call this number

and it's a guy by the name of David Tribble. He goes, Joe Dears, David Tribble. He goes, I hear good things about you. Are you ready to go on the road? How was it, Mike, the first time I got a road job off at him. Oh, shit, that's awesome. And the guy offered me five weeks of work right off the bat. Like right off the fucking bat.

And I'm like, absolutely. And I go, when do they start? He's like, tomorrow night. And Mike had to do something. We had to get a car. We had to either rent it. We stole it from a lot. We borrowed it from a lot.

An owner didn't. Something wasn't. We loaded that motherfucker up with sandwiches. And anything else you could find. And I went on the road for five fucking weeks. I came back on the weekends and we switched cars or something happened. I can't believe I did that. That wasn't me.

No, somebody had gone on the... Jeff, my wife. You know, I remember what it was. Somebody's girlfriend had gone on vacation. It was her car. There we go. Good story. I like it.

Something crazy like that. But all those times, Lee, that when I was struggling in the beginning of comedy, like that was real, man. And then he moved to LA. And like I said, we were always out on Mondays. Mondays he would drive me up to the Union. knew nothing about this one day mondays he would drive me up to universal city to ernie g's room do you remember ernie g's room the room yeah yeah we used to get cuban food up there there

there used to be a versailles oh shit oh yeah the big guy we used to go up there on there on mondays and we go to the commie storm lurk tuesday is we go to costal atina would fly and uh Jeff Garcia, I picked up my first 40 there. And then we go to somebody else had a room on Tuesdays. And I picked up 60 there, Felipe. And now we had 100. 20 had to go into the gas tank because Mike had to go somewhere the next morning. So we had 80 to work with.

Now we got to go to work. Now we got to go to the store. We got to work somebody for a small 40 or a 50. We got to show up with a store. You know what I'm saying? I can't go home with a half a gram. There's too much work. We got to go home with something.

old school we go out with zero and come whatever we come home with we split right down the middle uncle mike i have a question was was joey always saying um making up songs because he always does that i've never i don't know anyone else who does it he just it's not like it's not like he sings he makes up songs he makes up everything he's fucking songly what kind of question is that i don't even know he's talking about what kind of songs do i make you like like i don't know the songs you when you call me to taunt me i can't sing them now but does he ever when you when you pick up my nose like those things no he goes he'll wake up and he'll go uh hey you think you think about looking my balls right and you know uh and then like you'll take like in a song on the radio but sing your own lyrics to

it he tells you to go wash your pussy and and you know come on down you know you would say that back then oh yeah no it's hysterical uh I don't know. What can I tell you? Just for a long time. It's been a long, fucking journey, man. And that's what I was thinking about all day today. I wrote a little bit in the book.

I wrote two different chapters. And just thinking about all these little things, I made notes because it exercised my mind. It made her remember how hard 1994 and 1995 was. in more ways than one my health was great but my fucking I was getting beat up

but my ex-wife you know if you've ever started anything I was starting comedy one of the hardest things to start and I was getting beat up there but guess what at that time I was out

I was out every night at least I had see for the first three years of comedy 91, 92 and 93 I just jerked around I was just telling people I was doing comedy I was going on

stage twice a month if I was lucky. Right. I was like one night I'd get fired up and go, and I would commit to it. I'd drive 30 miles and eat dinner out there. I go on stage and bomb, and then I wouldn't go on stage for a month. But then I went to New York, and I realized, and then when I went back to Colorado,

I was out every fucking night. I used to do comedy after a line dancing thing. So what are you doing, open mics? Open mics, $20 pay gigs. It didn't fucking matter. It just didn't matter, man. I was paying $400 a month rent. The car I had could break down at any fucking minute.

At any minute. That's why I had, when I went on the road, and he hooked me up with that car, that was the fucking car. I took to Seattle, and I went and did my thing. So if it wasn't for Mike, maybe I wouldn't be doing comedy right now, you know what I'm saying?

Mike was a good fucking dude then. That's really cool. I have no idea what he's talking about. At least Mike understood at that time what I was trying to do. Mike had tried to be a musician when he was younger. You know, he had a family. He had to do different things that came first. So I think that he, do you remember when I showed up at your house

and spent the night with that girl? because fucking we were on the road together and I spent the night in one room and the other at that night your wife was cool for some reason she had forgiven me for a week or so then the came then the girl called and said my life was always cool she never she never embarrassed anybody no she was cool but she let you know she don't like it

yeah yeah that was a bad thing no no she's a lady she's like uh she's still cool my best friend I never forgot I went to Mike one day. I go, Michael, what are those people doing the corner over there? They said, there's a blow over there? And he goes, no, those black dudes sell crack.

And I'm like, that I don't sell fucking crack. And about three months later, I'm driving home from the comedy store, I got no cocaine. And who's on the corner by Man's Chinese Theater down the block on those corners right there, those four corners were these three black dudes right there. I look over at the dude.

He looks over at me. He knows what time it is. He comes over to the car. He asks me what I'm looking for. I make believe I'm retarded. Yes, I do. Lisa, I said, what can I get for a 20? He throws me a chunk of fucking something.

I take it home. My heart, I know it's crack. But in my demented fucking cocaine head, I want it to be regular coke. So I didn't used to buy coke. I go because I couldn't get that. Everybody was locked up or out of town. Somebody had been shot. I don't fucking know we.

I just couldn't get nothing. Nobody had it that night. There's some nights you fucking blank. Nobody's got it. There's nothing you can do. That's why you should not do the whole package. So I bought the fucking crack. I took it home and I tried to snort it.

And it didn't melt right. And I just went to bed. I jerked off and went to bed. And the next day, Mike picked me up. And I told Mike, I bought a baroque on the corner. He goes, you fucking moron. that's not coke that's crack you gotta get a crack pipe and smoke it and I just went and got a coke can for about six weeks eight weeks I smoked crack and shit and I used to

tell Mike I smoke crack I have no idea what he's talking you know that I'm fucking talking about what may believe you talked oh my god I had no idea when he's talking about you forgot all about that corner over that orange and I have no idea what you're talking about This is why when you do 1,200 milligrams, you're like, eh. Who? You? What do you mean? You smoking crack?

Just randomly, just for the... I did it for about eight weeks. You smoke crack the way, like, people, like, sign up for social media accounts just to see how it is. You're like, oh. This had to be 2000. You just try... And I used to go to El Paso a lot in those days. I used to go to El Paso a lot in those days.

I used to go to El Paso every eight weeks. High up here. Call headline. Headline. It was like a trial for me to crack. It really was. Oh my God. So I got hooked on crack for like three months, right?

How could you possibly do, that could you possibly do comedy? No, because this is what I'd do. Nobody knew. Just you. Nobody, don't say you don't have knowledge. I'll stab you in the heart with this pencil. I have no knowledge. Nobody fucking knew I was smoking crack.

At that time, my first choice was cocaine. So I would buy a little bit of Coke and then go fuck it. I might as well buy a little piece of crack. I would have soda at the house, which meant I had a crack pipe because I would drink a soda and then empty it and then make little holes and I'd smoke the crack. I'd blow towards the fucking can and I get high on the crack. So.

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. What I'm telling you, Lee, we're lucky to be here sitting here. So I go to El Paso. to El Paso to do comedy for a week and when I get to El Paso I don't know how to get cracked

so I had to go back for snort and Coke so for six nights oh my God that saved your life so I did it did Coke saved my life so for six nights

I snorted Coke so for six nights I snorted Coke and guess what bab boom I got off the crack ooh okay that's it It's very nice.

What a wonderful thing. This is fucking crazy, this guys. This is really crazy. It's madness. And I can't. I was making notes of this shit today. I can't imagine living my life like that. It seems like it would be...

Hell. Yeah, exactly. I was already in hell. I was a fucking 30-something-year-old trying to do comedy in L.A. who had nothing. Very funny. She had a fucking apartment. I paid $3.50 a month, and I can barely come up with that.

You know, I wasn't, I wasn't hell, Lee. I didn't know what direction to go. I was getting on stage every night. I was fucking hustling. He's my witness right there. He knows I was out every fucking night when I was here in the beginning. There wasn't a night. I didn't know what it was to fucking stay home.

Yeah, on the way home, I'd make a stop. See, it's so crazy. He spent $20 bucks worth it. $20 in gas to go and get paid. 20 bucks yeah it was fucking crazy i'm looking i'm going this guy's nuts man i would do this every night but at the end of the night it would add you know i think i don't know right or wrong it was like uh i'm just having this vicarious kind of rush right we just we're just play in this guy i mean this fucking movie and and i'm watching this guy evolve you know uh i mean it it it was way different

it was like anything else in the beginning it was oh it was something else you know it was a different act you know you you you know you started but it didn't matter you just kept going you just you just kept going and every time hey this works this doesn't work you know it was like the comedy fueled the coke but the coke kind of fueled the comedy like i went out to do comedy because i knew at the end of the night i was going to do coke let's be honest i'm not going to lie to know about it but for me to reward myself with the coke i would have to do two or three spots That was my way of reward. That was the world I was living in late.

You know, but I was still growing as a comic. It's crazy how weird our brains are that you could convince yourself. That was what I was doing to myself. That's the fucking, we got on this truth. So if I had, don't remember, all it took was a 20 for me to get electrocuted. If it was good, I would get hired with the $20, jerk off, and go to bed. If it was shitty, it would make me go over another 20 and somebody else. You know what I'm saying?

I don't know nothing about jerking off. This is where the addiction was. I was never a witness to that. No, nobody said I whacked off and fired. Oh, no, I thought they were nights. Oh, no, I'm in a stay. No, no. There things happen in your garage.

I remember you called me with some strange shit. What garage? Underneath, where was it? You know, next to the lesbian place. You lived there for years. 20 cats. Right there in Hollywood. Oh, yeah, no, I had no drama there.

No, I was there for nine fucking... No, no, no, no, no. I was getting evil there. Yeah. I was getting high there, but I wasn't, what do you call that shit, fucking... There was no drama there. You never took...

You never... I don't know, okay, could be an out-of-body experience. Say it, say it. say take a uh uh you had to take crap and now you just only you just did it right there you know beside the car you know oh no one time in the backyard i was hysterical i was hysterical oh my god wasn't that i had to take a crap i stopped the callie i got in front of it in my garage i shit i wiped my butt i threw it over the poop and i drove over it not with the tire right over He didn't even see it.

I thought that was hysterical. In his driveway or something? In my driveway. Yeah. Okay, so he just told Mike about it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, for that.

Oh, God. He's crazy. Lee, that was a crazy time, Lee. You wouldn't have been talking to me at this point. You don't think so? No. No. You have to hold on to you all.

2000 to 2006. I went fucking somewhere and it was getting worse and worse and worse. Do you think it would be talking to me though? Do you think you'd be looking for that kind of help or no? No, you'd let me go. I'd be like your other clients. I wouldn't call you back with a credit card. I wouldn't call you back with the money.

I would be an hour late. There was always a story. You know, oh, I'll give me that money next week. Lee, give me 100 till next Tuesday. So it was just one of those fucking things, guys, you know. But I'm happy to see you're still healthy. I'm happy to see your kids are healthy. I'm happy to see that everything's still working.

I'm happy to let these people know that we proved them wrong. Whether you're going to say, you don't agree with none of this shit or whatever, that's fine. Guys like you and me, you know, we put them wrong. A lot to do. A lot to do. Things to be done. And it's been a wild ride, Joey Deans. What do you do now for work? I saw real estate.

It's like cars without wheels. And do you like it? Oh, I'm having a ball. How long have you been doing it for? About three years. You don't give up either. No. You could have been up there and got on retirement

from your little Vietnam check, right? Yeah. And you said, fuck it. You still work. How old are you, God bless you? 70. 70 years old. Yeah.

Look at you. You inspire me, you fuck. Stop tapping on the goddamn table, Mike. That shit comes up on the microphone. Don't you hear it? You fuck? No. Lee, he was the worst driver than you were

because he'd tell me fat Tony stories. And look at me and drive on sunset. I almost died 82 fucking times. Jesus Lee it was a fucking nightmare I told him one story about fat Frankie and forever he goes oh Jesus

not another fat Frankie story It was a fat Frankie story constantly He would drive me fucking nuts With a fat Frankie story Lee would drive me fucking bananas You have no idea But I wouldn't make them cut people off

He used to go with What do you make you be people Uncle Mike What do you make you go vote for me Or like be people or zoom around people? I have no memory. You used to wait for the mailman to come to the thing before we could make a move.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had the Filipino mailman. We would wait for him in attention. I would make him pick me up every day at 10 to 12. That was a painful period of my life. Mike, pick me. No, I'm serious. Oh, God, geez.

Because. At that point of my life, I should have been struck by life. I mean, if there really was a god, that would have happened. That's how evil I was. Here's how went, Lee. He'd get a call for me at 10.30. I'm coming.

Obviously, it's the past, long past. Lee, come get me. I don't know anything about it. He'd come get me by 10 to 12. He'd come get me. And then from there, we'd shoot right to Gardner, and we'd wait for the Filipino mailman. And whatever we would decide it would be upon the Filipino mailman.

Mike, what do you got? I got 20. Mike, what do you got? I got 27. Okay. I got fucking 22. That means we got options. We got a starting point here. We got something to work with. You know what I'm saying? If the checks don't come today, then we got something to work. You got anything coming in today? Okay. So all our whole day would be based on the Filipino mailman. You've played the lottery every day. Every day. Once we saw that truck, we knew something was coming. Now, I'm not going to lie to you. I knew most days nothing was coming.

But in my demented cocaine world, something was always coming. And guess what, Lee? I got surprised once a week. With like what level of check? It was a divine intervention. In those days, the level of check that I needed was $63. Because I could take that right to Whitley. They'd give me $58 after taking money out.

And I'd go on my way with the check. See, now it's coming back. you cuck sucker because that's how they work Lee so we pull over right under a tree on gardener right in front of fucking that building and as soon as the mailman would come along he'd say I'd have check for you today and I'd get out of that fucking car and I'd wait till he put the check in the box he couldn't hand me the check because it's a you can't do that you have to put it in the fucking box and he closed the box before he closed the box I really had the key in that motherfucker and I go stand don't close

it yet and I would just open the thing and the checks would fall out I put the rest of the mail in there and I take the checks out let's go we gotta go and Mike let's go to check cash in place and we go from Gardner to Whitley on Hollywood Boulevard in 3.2 minutes flat on the way to the fucking check cash in place I'd already have Johnny Yeo on the fucking phone asking him where he was at and how we could put the news move together early because the quicker we can put the move together that's it you don't have to think about the rest of the day the rest of the day was fucking a piece of cake

once you had what it took to put the day together now if I woke up and I had $200 in my pocket I would call Mike to get Chinese lunch those are good days that's a good day because I know I got a 60 for a G-ball of ruin if Mike needs a 60 I got it that's how it worked in those days we believe in that If there was a check, we'd cut half of Hollywood off

and go to the check cash in place of Whitley, cash that check, and from there we'd make a move. He'd disappear, he'd drop me off, and he'd pick me back up at 815, and we'd make the move and seal it, or we'd figure something. I have no idea why I thought that would be fun, but that's what it was.

Yes, it was. Some reason, it was. Right, you know what I'm saying? That was a different fucking time. man yeah for some reason i don't remember it being anything but but i'm sure i could have spent my time better than that you know you tried you were you were making money you were supporting the family you were feeding the fucking mouths you know you were still having a good time with me because it was in your fucking blood you're a new york city guy yeah what are you gonna do dog um

you can't be ashamed of what on your past is at any point in time i mean no no no i did you going into fucking specifics here. God forbid we go into fucking specifics. Yeah, God forbid. Yeah, God forbid. But no, no, it's just that there's a time where you feel you're in control and there's times you feel you're not in control. I'm still not in control. I'm 53 years old. Who gives the fuck? The more you less in control, the better. You know what I've had it? When I've been in control is when I haven't been in control. Right. Do you know what I'm saying? Does that sound right? No, no. What I mean by being in control, you're not at anyone's bidding at any point. You know, you got to do what you've got to do. But, you know, nobody's got a leash around you

and you know you're not punching a clock you know you're an entrepreneur you know I always thought that I had this money coming to me after my mother died I thought that my dad would call me up one day and I thought he would give me like a half a million dollars but I'd take fucking $5,000 do you know what I'm saying?

That's what I'm saying like could you have gotten a bank account but you just wanted to check immediately Like you just do that all the time At that time At that time in my world Either, what was the necessity for a checking account? A life?

That was not what I wanted. So wait a second, what you're telling me is I gotta take my check, go to your fucking bank Deposit, I gotta wait a day Even if the check is cut, I gotta wait till 3 o'clock to get my money or the next day I got no money. I'm living fucking hand to mount.

I'd rather pay the $219 and get my cash right there than have to fuck around. When you're in that world, Lee. I've never been in that world. That's the world that you decide to choose on. You know, and I would have 19 different paychecks coming in. That's crazy. In those days, I would have the comedy store check, the improv check,

the laugh factory check. They could amount to a total of $95. right out to me that was 22 million fucking dollars okay then you had your checks from selling cigars on the phone and then you had your checks from maybe doing a short film or maybe doing you know something for whatever the fuck it was you follow I'm saying to you the more months I lived here the more all those checks increased you also had money coming in every night from the cash gigs in those in those in those in those days in my world and in those days in my world it was a every night that I went out Lee was cash not in Colorado but here getting paying cash I got to a point in

Los Angeles where for years you heard comics going there's no reason living in LA you don't make no money in LA let me tell you something I don't have those notebooks no more but years later I looked at those notebooks and you have no idea what I was making it was room really. Well, that's a point. It's not that you can't make money if you're only doing the comedy store left at.

When I got here in 98, it took me about two years to get settled. But from 2000 to 2004, I had gigs every week from $40 to $250. Those $250? Damn.

It feels good to be a geeky. The $2.50 was like driving to San Diego on a Saturday night or something. Now, are there other comedians who make a living just still doing that circuit? Listen, man. You could, I guess. Yes, you can. Are you? Yes, you can.

Are you, whose phone is this? Can you turn this shit off, please? Yes, you can make a living. It just, uh... I'm the, uh, okay, hold power off. There it is. Yeah, there you go. There you go.

You can make a living league, but you can't drive a Maserati. At that level, at that level, at that level in L.A. Right. Yeah, is it? At that level, okay, your buddy there, Tommy Easter. His level in L.A. right now, an apartment, not fucking Beverly Hills in the Valley. Okay? A day job.

And at night, his goal is 200. of the weekend gigs. Guess what, Lee? It's out there. I know people will do it. You know how you get out there? You have to go to other gigs in Silver Lake and all those other gigs.

And then those people will tell you about a Tuesday night where a guy pays $85 bucks for 20 minutes up here and fucking off to $170 up there, whatever that is up there. La Clarita, La Clocenta up there. I don't know these,

but that's how you get those rooms. They'll start asking you about rooms in Santa Barbara. Those rooms are 150 on a fucking Thursday night. If you put together a 250 on Saturday and a 150, that's 400. God forbid you go out on fucking Wednesday and Tuesday and pick up 100 and 100. You understand what I'm trying to say to you?

There's a living. But the more you go out and talk to people and meet people, people approach and go, hey, man, what are you doing next Saturday to 23rd? I got this gig at this fire department that we do once a month. It pays $75. Do you want to do it? And next thing you're like, can I do the gig by nine? Because I got another gig right next to the city next to it.

That pays $200. So everything always works itself out while you're hustling. If you believe it yourself, that's the level I was at in L.A. I can't lie to it. And at that point, Lee, I looked you straight in there. I'd tell you I was struggling. I was probably making $1,600 a month cash on the road in L.A. I was probably picking up another 700 on the road in those days as a feature act, all right?

And I was probably picking up anywhere from a thousand to 2,000 in TV and film every month. And I could look you straight in the fucking eye right now and tell you I was walking around fucking broke in those days. I can barely make rent for $350 and help my wife with the fucking phone bill. And groceries, yeah. Walking around broke. Bummy closed, the whole fucking deal. How much of it do you think went to cocaine? What are you fucking think?

45, 40? 80%. Wow. Because my wife only saw the checks. She didn't see the cash. If I did bring home cash, I split what I got with it. It's tough when you get paid in cash to know how much you're making. You follow me?

Yeah. So nobody really knew what I was making in those days. So it was fucking wild when I think back of that hustle, you know? Yeah. And I was making, and I was making. Go on Lee, I was making it work. I'm trying to remember. I sit here amazed thinking how I was making it work.

As a comedian. In two weeks, I'll be here 20 fucking years. For the last three months, I have been thinking about this once a day. That I could fucking tell everybody here, I thought I would last three years in the city. I thought I would last three years, go back to Boulder, murder my wife. go to jail for the rest of my life and that was how this fucking story was gonna end this is the tragic story of another fucking sack of shit that got taken by drugs if I would have made it five years in this town I thought I'd be lucky when I first

got off that fucking RV in the back of my head I was like listen if I make it here three years and get a part as an extra I'll be fucking thankful to God at least I tell people I was in LA. That's how I looked at it. It's a weird town. LA, as soon as you get here, it just feels competitive. I don't know. At least it does for me.

So it's weird. 20 years is amazing. I just hit six. And it's, uh, I'm already, I'm already like looking like in the future to, I don't know how long I could stay here. It's a, uh, it's a different kind of lifestyle. Lee, your life wasn't playing for you.

Do you fucking think I thought I'd be here for 20 years? No. Have you lost your goddamn mind? Yeah. I thought I would last three years, tops. Once I got into the store, I was like, I hear they only give you a spot for a year at the store. So I got like a year to really put the pieces together. I was sure I wanted to go to New York.

I hated it out here when I interned out here. Lee, you know what? I didn't have a choice to hate it or not to hate it when I came here. Do you know that? I got to be honest. Let me give some shoutouts. Keep me posting. I want to thank Bob Lingu's and his family for sending Lee and myself and the baby and Elmo

and a beautiful baseball and a book, a gorgeous book, Jimmy Pades, The Three Lives of Jimmy Pades, Bob Linguings and his family, a fucking church family. Thank you very much. Matt Holmeyer family Don Rangler Emmanuel Colon Mary Jane Scott Ookie Spooky

Ali Bars over there in fucking Australia having heard from Grimmis Mike Model B and my man Santa Romano want to give you a little

love there I don't know what's cracking up in your life and shit what you're doing but that's the real deal It wasn't whether I had an option to stay here or fucking not. This was it for the next couple of years until something fucking happened.

I didn't know nothing was going to fucking happen. You'd consider going back to Denver to do it or New York or anything. The only thing that was going to happen in Denver, if I went back to Denver, tempest were going to escalate. And something was going to happen between me, that poor woman and husband. That's all that. I would have given it six months. Mike can't fucking think right now. Oh man.

I can't answer questions right now. If Mike could remember for five minutes, the anger I had in my heart in those days. That's why it's even to say, never mind that I'm still doing comedy. Just to think of getting that anger out of my heart that I had. Because there's no way you could progress in your life with any type of anger like that in your fucking life. And I did it. Three or four times I thought I was so angry at somebody I was gonna fucking kill him But you know what man did you get out of it? How did I get out of it?

And you can have because I remember it is the time you learn he's a time You know what heals all wounds? Yeah, you're not she were talking about I mean I'm gonna fucking go on no, it was terrible It obsessed me. Yeah, just the thought that she had done was worried about you I'm gonna till this day. There's nights that I sit there and my body goes into like a fucking and you know and I think to myself what the fuck am I doing here I should be over there trying to kill them born I know what what's wrong with me what the fuck is wrong that's what's wrong with me yeah I'm got what's wrong with me no no no it was a different it was a really looking at this story and I'm going wow no I would have been a guy if I would have

gone back to bowl to the play daddy I would have still been doing time right now this would have not to end it well at all. And New York, you know what? I had been in New York. New York, I love New York. It's where I grew up, but New York spelled one thing for me. And it's called easy access. What does that mean that I can have a conversation with you at four in the morning and five in the morning? We could be picking up a kilo on 181st in Amsterdam. And on the way out of the dorm, when I go to his name and buy a machine gun. That is what that meant. I didn't need that. in my life that sounds very appealing so my question so how how did you have such a frank conversation with yourself did you have like do acid and think about it no at that time there was

no fucking acid there was only there was only one drug in my life in those days late from 98 to 2007 there was basically two three drugs i did cocaine maybe a sleeping pill somebody had or a viking and then for that one summer I did those couple of packages of heroin that's it there was no fucking confusion about nothing else Lee so how do so I'm surprised

I'm honestly surprised you wouldn't go to the easy access of New York that's my point I don't understand if you understand what I mean by you know I do understand there has to be a blockage in your life okay there has to be you know even AA they make you call somebody does that work

nine or ten times who the fuck knows I've never been there where you know what I want to get my dick sucked and do some cocaine hold on let me call my sponsor Mel

first at two in the morning listen Mel I gotta talk to you about something enough is enough I can't get a job my mother hates me listen I got a check from the VA for 90

Roy with the one arm over at fucking the bar he's got grams for 80 and they're kicking my wife's got some old whiskey I'm going deep you understand me no don't do it read page 48 of psalm 4 you know the big book listen when i see you i'm gonna hit you with the big book 80 fucking times in the head i've never had nobody called me and say joey listen

i'm thinking to shoot myself stop me i don't have those type of friends you know what i'm saying nobody's ever called me and said listen you got a kilo i can't stop snorting you gotta help me nobody's ever called me with those fucking calls that's all in the movies and shit call you're sponsor, go fuck yourself. I got a blonde at the bar. She says if I could get a fucking eight ball, she'll suck my dick to the skin color. It looks like Michael Jackson's dick.

She'll take the paint mat off of it. And I got to call my sponsor to ask him. You call your sponsor four in the morning. Listen, I haven't been cleaning sober for nine years. Let me tell you the situation, Mel. There's a girl at the bar says with an eight ball. She'll do things to my nutsack, tongues in my ass. What are you things?

go for it one time. I'll be at a meeting tomorrow, tip top Magoo. The guy will say, go for it. It's been a long time. You've been cleaning sober. Things happen, Lee.

Who the fuck knows? If you had an AA sponsor, you would torment them. I hadn't. Let me tell you something. When I was in the halfway house, I found an AA sponsor for a while. I found an AA sponsor,

and he talked me into, I was trying to go to N. and he talked me into AA and we would meet once a week in Boulder and talk about what was going on. I had a meeting with my sponsor. It was part of the Boulder Halfway House then. That was part of you.

He had to sign the piece of paper. Why would you go if you were an alcoholic? Because the principles were the same. Okay. Addiction is addiction. You know, that's how he explained it to me. He was a realist. He was like,

he was, you know, I talked to him for about a year, even though I was doing blow. He was a real dynamite white dude. Dynamite white people from the heart of this country like Omaha, Nebraska, something. This dude was tight. He wasn't judgmental. I learned a lot of fucking little things from having like a little fucking sponsor. And guess what happens?

I disconnect with him. I bump into him 18 months later. He goes, you look great. You look great, too. I said, listen, I got to be honest with you. I've been smoking dope and snorting coke. He goes, I've been smoking dope like a motherfucker myself. Fuck all that's nonsense.

That shit don't work. He went off about something. That was the end of that. That's a stir. I'm sorry. Yeah, you know. No, but I believe. No, no, I believe.

I believe it. I believe it. I just don't think I could call me. Or else or no shit like that happens. You know, the time I have, listen, for three or four years, it wasn't that I was doing, I wanted to do Coke. It was the situation that I was getting myself in. Yeah, yeah. What do you mean?

We're a suicide mission, you know. You're at the comedy store, bro, and there's a hot chick, and she's visiting from fucking New Jersey, and she's talking about, she wants to party, and you know she's a freak, or whatever the fuck is going on. I don't know, Lee. Just different situations.

People come to the store and they're looking at the day kind of thing. Somebody comes to look to buy blow, and you get them a gram, and all of them, they give you half of it. You know. It happens to everyone. Yeah, sure, it does. Happens me all the time.

Gun? Yeah. It's not a normal thing. When you're hooked on drugs, whatever drug it is, it's like a metal. It's just like carrying a gun. I've said it a thousand times. When you put a gun on your waist, it's like a medal for trouble. When you do drug, you know, I've got to tell you something.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what it's. In 30 years of doing drugs, let's pretend I did cocaine for 25 years. You know in those 25 years, how many times I got approached by people asking me if I want to do heroin? Maybe three times. You know how many times people came up to me and asked me if I want to do meth? Maybe three times. You know how many times people came up to me and asked me if I want to do blow?

Oh, about a million point fucking eight times. Why? Because you're a magnet for that shit. In Hollywood, I knew two people who did heroin. I know these two lesbians will you can ask Josh Wolf me and Joshua for friends on these two ladies with solid women Both of them good looking tattooed up They were locked themselves in that apartment eat monkey and fucking shoot heroin and they wouldn't take showers Or they would take showers without soap because they wouldn't unclogged their skin pores

We discussed this shit before did you guys know each other when you were living in your car in Illinois? Who? You two me and what? Yes sir I don't know Mike was here when I was living in my car. Where we were living in L.A.? Were you living in L.A.? When I was living in my car by Ralphie's house, when I had the... No, I think I got it right after that. Yeah, he got here shortly after that.

No, you had a place, I think. Yeah, that's the same place you had. The name was the street. Shermer. With a lesbian. The center next to it. Yeah. Yeah, with Terry.

Yeah. With my wife. Who was my wife? No, yeah. That's when I was there. but I wouldn't use that as my address. I would use Gavin and Ralphie's apartment as my address. I would use Gardner as my address.

I lived on Shreda, but I would use Gardner. That's why I chased a mailman on fucking Gardner all the time. You remember chasing that fucking mailman, huh? Please. You saw a lot of things, man. Even though you ate the stars of death, And you can't remember. You saw a lot of fucking good stuff.

I deny everything. Remember we went to see that Spanish dude at the House of Blues that was playing the Conga drums? Yes, actually. Patto Tico. And he asked me if I'd get him a package. Talking about seeing him.

Like, I didn't see him in fucking 20 years. And the first thing he said to me, can you get a fucking package? Would it upset you? To upset me? No. No. It didn't upset me at all.

No, you didn't get one. I like it. No, I didn't get it from. I went home. I told him I'd be back. I just wanted to say hello to him to see what it was like. I knew him as a child, you know? Right, and then he asked you for Coke.

It must have been disappointing. No, it wasn't disappointing. It was what it was. Those were the times. Those were the people I knew at that time at that age. It's a shame. What's the matter? Mike. Who was that? Potato.

Or was Tico? Tico was dead at that point. But Mike was a manager of the car store or something, and one of the salesmen was a conga player. So Mike talked to the kid about the congas, and the kid told Mike to go see that guy that night. That's how I found out about him.

I don't even think I was going to the store that. At that time, I wasn't going to the store. I had already stopped going to the store. we just parked and went to the house of blues and left the house of blues and I went home I think the show started at eight we stayed for maybe three songs uh

you see something like that yeah I can't I can't be cooped up for much longer than that but there was like yeah there was some there's some really beautiful Cuban women I remember that's some others and then we will remember nothing first you're fucking first you're being

that dude and Godfather too you don't know nothing. And now you remember Cuban women. First for two hours you don't know nothing. I was just dancing. You know what I'm saying? Jesus fucking It was culture. It was culture. It was Cuban culture. It was raw. It was the real thing.

I'm happy you're still alive and kicking. Jesus. I'm happy you're still doing your thing. It's a long evolution first. You used to have a trampoline in your backyard in Boulder. That's the truth. It's amazing nobody dies.

These motherfuckers, these people think, you know, it's taken me a while to write the first three chapters of these intros. But I got to tell you something, I sit there and I exercise my mind and I outline them. Like today I wrote like three paragraphs in like two minutes because I outlined it. I know exactly what I had to write. It's a lot easier. I'm not right. lot, but I'm writing.

And in the words of fucking Shakespeare, little commitments become big commitments, you know what I'm saying? I don't know Shakespeare's spoke like that. Me neither. I'm just fucking saying if he didn't, a man of Shakespeare's fucking stature would speak that way. You follow me?

Coxucker, what do you got planned this weekend? I'm going to Tempey. That sounds fucking fun. What the fuck are you doing this weekend? What plans are you involved in this weekend? Is there a dog hugging convention? in Hermosa Beach

Is there a coupon Class for crapes? Surprise me You haven't blown my doors off In 2017 You mean to tell me You've been staying in Eating fucking chicken

And vegetables every night For the last four weeks Is that what you've been trying to tell me? I haven't been staying in at all I haven't had a I haven't let the first Two weeks of the year Without having a day off

So I don't have any plans For this weekend yet I kind of have adopted your style of just doing that day. So I honestly have no idea. No pug-hugging festivals. No pug-hugging festivals. Come back or itchy with a rash and shit. This is the first trip you want or you didn't come back with a rash or red eye or skunk fucking eater.

I don't know, what it is in my goddamn family tree that makes my skin so terrible. I'm excited about going to tempi. I haven't been in about 18 months. You know, I've been going to Tempe since I first. fucking God he'd love you in Tempe you could just go to Tempe for so long before you go you know what he's gonna come again I said you know I don't want to be for a long fucking time I used to go down there for a long time and I stopped going down there and then fucking Danny Murr fucking died and then nobody went and they tried to ship me off to Phoenix and they

reopen tempi it's another Tempe you I was there when the when fuck I was telling Lee about the dude greasy Tony that he had a restaurant there across the street from the improv next to a gas station and a bar. I've been going there since fucking 98 down there. First time I went to Tempe, Arizona was in 84 to hook up with a friend of mine. And we ended up smoking mushrooms. It was fucking tremendously. And with some Indians, it was like something out of a fucking movie Lee.

I left there like going, this life is going to be a wild fucking ride. I went back to Tempe. 14 years later, it was a complete different fucking city. It had grown, that whole area had grown leaps and fucking bound from the first time I went down there. I think that's one of the weirdest parts about getting older. It's just coming back like 10 years later and having memory somewhere. But that was the first city where I first noticed it that I flew into, to do comedy.

And I don't know. It was like I knew I'd been there before. I'd been there twice before to Tempe. I landed twice in Phoenix and then went on to Tempe both times. But I remember like the whole thing, how much had blown up, you know? So yeah, I've been going on it. But the greasy Tony was down there. He was a dude from Jersey who had this little hut.

He was short. He was stumpy. He was dirty. He had a fucked up hair cut. Greasy Tony had all the fucked up makings of just a little little bonnet. He just looked like somebody. he was. He was somebody from middle New Jersey, you know. He had no

class. He was worse than I was. I mean, he was just nuts, but he had this restaurant, and he served great fucking sandwiches. I mean, Gabriel used to go there. Martine Morano, Rogan, myself, Chris McGuire, I mean, Ari, Duncan.

We would go to the Tempe Improv and drive just to go to Greasy Tone's first, before it's Keep tapping on the fucking table. We would go to Greasy Tony. We would drive down there and go to Greasy Tony's

just to get like a fucking sandwich. He had pizzas, but I was telling Lee, he made his own Mountain Dew. One day, one of our friends drank a Mountain Dew and said, I don't know what happened last night, but I didn't sleep for like a day and a half. And he goes, I fucking narrowing it down. Greasy Tony, and I asked him about his Mountain Dew.

And he told me that that's why he didn't put it in the gun because he would mix his own. Like, it was in a bucket. Like, if you... If you asked him to... Why do you look a ladle or do you just dip the cup in? He's fighting. If you knew greasy Tony,

he fucking... He dipped his hand in there, picked it up, put ice cubes in it, let the juice peel over and go all over his disgusting fingers. And then he'd give it to you, if you knew greasy Tony. Oh, my God. He had fucking Mountain Dew in a tub that he made himself because that's what kept him awake.

He was addicted to Mountain Dew. So he would take the juice from the Mountain Dew gun and just mix it like I don't know the exact measurements. I'm just saying he would take that thick syrup and let's say you were supposed to mix an ounce of syrup with six ounces of water. Let's just say. It's going to be a lot less than anything. He would mix it with like three ounces of water. and it would be like a stew. The ice cubes, it was like egg drop soup,

like good egg drop soup, but you had to put like ice cubes in it to tame it down and that's when it thick or thins up a little bit when you put ice cubes into egg drop soup. That's the way it was what his mountain do. Just it was cold and it was fuck. He put a ton of ice in it. You didn't even know what the fuck you were drinking

and burn your throat. And cold it out of your throat. It's like if you know anything about Coca-Cola, those little bottles, they burn your throat because they have more oxygen in those. For years, Coca-Cola used to make an 8-ounce bottle or a 10-ounce bottle, and the reason why people drank them, people would say, oh, my God, whenever you drink the 10-ounce cokes,

they would burn your throat. It's a different Coca-Cola. No, it's the same Coke. They would just either take the oxygen out or put more oxygen in. I forget what's the thing. If somebody will know and they'll tweet at me what the formula was, a lot of people don't know about that, see? so you could do the same shit with Mountain Duke.

He would make his own fucking Mountain Duke, Mountain Crank. You were up for fucking days. I did a triple run one time, and I had to drive from Idaho to Boulder, Colorado. I don't ever forget this. I got offstage at fucking 10.30, and I know for a fact, it was like 12 hours from Boise, Idaho to Boulder.

It was not of the final floor or something like that. And somebody was in the finals. UCLA, the twins, something. And I was trying to not stay and watch the game. I said, let me watch it for 10 minutes. I ended up leaving at 10.40. And I had to be in Boulder by 2 fucking o'clock. No sleep, no nothing.

It was going to be a 12-hour fucking ride. So if I'm leaving at 10.30, I'm going to get that 10.30 in the morning. I'm going to have three hours of sleep, a shower, and get myself together. It was to pick up my daughter on something. this. I got in that fucking car and I started guzzling Mountain Dew and not might all. Might all is when you have your period. No dose.

No does. No does. I started eating those fucking no dos. Jesus Christ, that's so bad for you. That was it. I never messed with no dose again after that trip. That's the most dangerous thing you've ever done. 12 hours, I would only stop for gasoline. I got all the way to bowl. I got a message saying that she wasn't dropping a kid off that day.

She was sick. I drove all fucking night. I never forget I pulled over in one of those Idaho towns. And I parked on the side of the road and I tried to sleep. And I took like a six minute nap. And I woke up to me stepping on the gas with the lights on. So when I opened up, I thought I was going off a cliff. Oh, no.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You don't know how much your fucking heart beats until you wake up high. I wasn't high. I was high on those fucking no. dozes in Mountain Dew. What a fucking life, man. What do you think, Mike, when you look at Joey now?

It's, it, you know, the miracle continues. I mean, look, it's, it's, you know, these, you know, these, what did I eat? The Black Death and stuff, shit, yeah. So it's this long journey, right? And it's like, and it's got so much edge, you know, towards the dark side. And then there's all this other stuff. But we just had this love, man.

And it's like, fuck it, man, you know. But what a strange trip. What a really strange trip. Strange fucking trip. 1990. It's 2007 fucking. fucking teen. But right now, you know,

but here's it. Here's what I think. We're both doing the right thing when it comes to like living, living. No, no. We were living like animals for a long time. There's no way you can live like that.

Family. Even move ahead. Serious family thing. So, we stuck together. You know, we had with partners in crime. It was

fucking tons of fun. Would I do it again? Fuck yeah. We never ended up in prison. You know, we always had, you had that you remind him of a story. You had the Spanish drug dealer. He had the Spanish drug dealer.

And he would make me call him up and talk to him in Spanish. Mike would call me and come down here. And also, I'd come down to go talk to this guy. Ask me what he's saying. And the guy would say, I'll meet him on the corner of Wilshire. So we'd have to take a ride to Woolwich.

He'd make the delivery and then me and Mike were behind El Camadre one night and I met my most famous fucking drug dealer of all time nobody impressed me more in this guy we looked at each other and we both knew we were the same

souls of the same bird he was a Mexican deal and we made eye contact and he came right out to me Lee and he would this guy was a weird guy he was sick almost nine and he would hug you only spoke Spanish and he put a coke

rocking your nose. And then you look you straight in the eye and he goes, how much do you want? And you would say, give me 20, give me 40, give me 50, give me 100, and he just put a rock in your hand. Like he knew exactly from the size of the rock. So I met him behind Uncle Padra. I got like a 40 from him.

He gave me like a 60 since I was a new customer. You know what? This is just how much it's worth, right? What? It's a $40 bag, a $60 bag. It's a $40 bag. And he gave me like, For 40, he should have gave me like 8 tenths of a gram.

I gave him 40 and he gave me a gram and a tent. You know what I'm saying? Something like that. It was clean Coke, the whole fucking deal. So at that time, there was him, there was the Armenian. There was a couple drug dealers at the fucking at our compadre, right? So every night was different competition. There was the dude who played the guitar.

He's dead now. God rest of the soul. Was he creepy? No, he wasn't creepy at all. He was fucking tremendous. And so every night when you went in there, you knew you were going to get something. You just didn't know from who. It was always an adventure.

If you caught the Armenian, it was in a good night. And you could talk to him, he'd give you the good shit. If you caught the guitar player, he'd give you the good shit. And if you caught the, who else was I talking about? There was somebody else. Gosh me. Well, you have the guy who... This is in L.A. right?

With D. I don't know if I can say his name or not. No, no, no. He didn't hang out there. The black dude? Yeah. No, no, no. He didn't hang out there.

We had him always on the sidelines. Oh, okay. He was always in the sidelines. He was the Martel cartel. Look at Mike. He remembers now. It's coming back to him and shit. Look, I don't know nothing about knowledge.

He knows what I'm talking about. He sat out there outside the synagogue many fucking nights with Uncle Joey, thinking about his... life and shit. What are we saying, Lee, before? Oh, so I meet this dude. That is true. He puts the fucking Coke rock in my hand.

I go home. I don't see the guy for a few months, right? But a few months later, I get off the 101. I get off the 101 on sunset. But, no, I get off the sun. You know when you're coming north on 101, you hit San Juan. Santa Monica Melrose exit.

Right. And in those days, I would always anticipate traffic because I had a spot at the store. So I would exit on there and make a left and head towards the beach. And I would stay on Melrose for maybe until I hit Vine, then I cut up type shit. You know what I'm saying?

I cut up to, like, one of those main streets, fountain, and I'd go straight to the comedy store. I cut up in one of those streets. It's got to be 1230 at night. Now, when you get to Western and Sunset, there's a McDonald's, not a McDonald's, there's like a subway sandwich. There used to be a sprint store store store there. There's a big lumber yard there right there on sunset. And across the street is that store I told you.

It's a lumber yard type place, and there's Mexicans on the way out there. But in there, they sell the best tacos in L.A. All his clients are Mexican, so they got to sell the Mexican. So they got to sell the Mexican. Do you understand me? So getting back that story, I'm on that street on sunset and fucking Weston. I'm minding my own business. It's 12.45.

I got some money in my pocket. I'm not lying to you. I'm headed to Elkhine Padre. I'm going to go to the store and pick up a package. You know me? I got money in my pocket. It's burning a hole in my pocket. Do you know I'm sitting there minding my own business looking out the window to see when the light's going to turn green and red?

And who do I see running at me but that fucking drug dealer from behind our compagent? Like a wild man going, hey, hey, remember me? He was like hiding behind a car, saw me, and remembered me. And he ran into the car, breathing, heavy. Hey, pull over, pull over. The don't get to see that. I go, I got to talk to you and all this. I go, what's up, though?

And Austin, he put a Coke rock in my nose, and I remembered who he was. I'm like, look who the fuck it is. and he was scared he had good blow and he got if you had it yeah and I gave him like 60 bucks and he gave me like a fucking gram and a gram and a half and that was that was a custom

Michael when are you here and he would tell me listen whenever you want Coke you don't even need to call me just come down here drive around for two or three minutes I'll come running until you car

we've got do you know I didn't like fucking 10 times Lee all you had to do was drive to sunset and make a right on Western go down, make a ride again. By the time you hit sunset the second time,

you'd hear, hey, hey. It sounds like the man on fire instructions like to find you parking. He was always like in a tree, always under a car. This was fucking crazy. You can't believe. You cannot write this shit.

You understand me? This is what keeps me up at night. And I go, I don't understand. You don't, I'm not going to sit here and tell you, oh, I'm lucky you up here. No, no, no, no. You just think about how many things could have gone wrong.

That could have been a cop, three blocks away of the light, and sees a guy dropping something off in my car. Right now, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I'd be just getting out of jail. I'd be getting out of a fucking halfway house. If you understand me, how many things could have gone wrong in those days.

That's why I'm so fucking lucky. I didn't do nothing. No, he didn't fucking do nothing. Jesus Christ Almighty. If it ain't one thing, it's another. Yeah. But what are you going to do?

I'm going to fucking Tempe. Lee Syattisian to sit at home. He's going to fucking develop his business. He's taking over the world. Trump's going to become president. But Lee Syatt is going to fucking take over Trump's position of the podcast world. Trust me, I'm telling you this shit, people. That's fabulous.

Thank you very much. I'm trying. Are you going to the inauguration march or any of the events? For Trump, no. I'm busy that weekend. No, I'll watch. I'll watch some of it. probably are you going to any of the demonstration marches or anything like that no i don't go to

downtown l.a on saturday i would rather i would rather jump off a bridge and go to any demonstration rally yeah that's that sounds terrible i mean it doesn't no it sounds sensible i mean it's it's it's a very interesting time i don't know what to think there's a lot people in my life were very scared yeah yeah really huh yeah there's a lot people my like oh jesus christ there's a lot people in my life were very scared right now. Scared like about like Trump? Yeah, and it's not the people you think because I'm Really?

Yes, it's my it's my family. Let me ask you a question. You're an intelligent kid, you watched a lot of fucking TV and whatever. What are the fears? You know what? What are the fucking fears of the American people? I don't even want to say them because Because you're afraid?

No, no, no, no, because it's even to me it was ridiculous, like it seemed a little bit ridiculous because just, there are people out there who, it's okay to be. Who are worried that he will, like, not allow other people, not allow an election. Like he'll start not allowing people into the country. Like, he'll do.

So, and I don't want to speak out of turn. So, and I don't necessarily think, I'm hoping that just one person doesn't have that much. power. So that's what I'm kind of banking on. But a lot of people are scared that he's going to take the all medical insurance away from millions of people. He's going to, a lot of people are worried about the marijuana industry. They're just going to do have a lot more conservative values on a lot of the parts of our life. all right so I mean I but I don't know I guess it's probably

what the people in the south what didn't like when this was happening when Obama happened I'm sure it's the same feeling to be honest with you it's gonna be very interesting to see what happens yeah I think so

Friday and Saturday and Sunday and Sunday across the country there's gonna be rallies I'm hoping he's good a lot of women I'm rooting for him uh it's it can be spooked this is a spooky time

yeah get ready kids Fess and receipt belts It's gonna be a rough ride You know, it depends what happens Oh now you got a fucking Crystal ball cock sucker Before you don't know nothing You want to plead the fifth

Now you want to tell these cock suckers They're in for a spooky time Huh spooky? No, no no Hey listen remember the 60s people used to do this right And it was like It was fun when I was like 18 Yeah fuck let's go demonstrate

But now this is like serious And people do need to do it It's great but it's real It's real If you can go do that And the thing I was thinking about today, to be honest with you, is there are people who, like, the same people who are scared about Trump don't necessarily like Bernie. They were very much Hillary Clinton. So, but it seems like to me that if Bernie is around and up for it, that he would probably have a landslide.

Like, it would be, it would be probably a huge battle between him and Trump. I'm not going to say a landslide victory, but I'll say a huge battle. because he people feel like he got robbed of a chance I was robbed so I think if in four years he's still up for it

either him or Biden would would have a it would be a more it would be a better battle than the last one he's he's he's there and uh it don't matter listen when we're going to the supermarket

we're there by ourselves that's the thing nobody there's no president there there's no state america is uh your fucking check america is a very strong thing. You know, people have their fears, believing yourself.

Fucked everything else. That's why the days are back, bitches, you understand me? That's the best thing about this whole situation that bidazes are back. They've made a strong comeback. If it wasn't for hellotushy.com, you'd still be wiping your ass

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It's portable. Baday. Biday. With hot water and cold water. Yeah, it's amazing. I have just a cold water one, but it takes literally 15 minutes to install, and you don't have to have any sort of special tools

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I got to tell you, it's a different dimension. Oh, yeah. I get a lot of you people, I did a 90-day test on my muffler, and things have changed down there. You understand me? Listen, Valentine's Day is around the corner. Everybody wants a clean asshole. Here's your chance to give somebody a Valentine's Day card

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