The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #449 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: January 24, 2017

Ralphie May, Comedian, seen on Netflix and NBC, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Ralphie also has a residency at Harrah's Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. This podcast is brought to you by:   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/23/2017.


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It's Monday, bitches. Oh shit. Oh, shit. Monday, January 23rd. The church of what's happening now You're here Lee Syatt Ralphie Mae

And your uncle Joey Diaz Oh shit Ticket Lee Blow those fucking speakers Oh shit There we go, cock suckers Steel grandma's valium We're going

What's happening You bad motherfuckers Monday, it's Tuesday by the time you listen Hope you're having a great fucking day Uncle Joey, Ralphie Mae. Hey, everybody. Before we get the podcast start, I got to apologize for Wednesday night. Mike Kessler was on here.

I love him to death and everything. He's my uncle. He was at my wedding. I love him to death, but Jesus fucking Christ, before he came on the podcast, his retarded fucking daughter told him not to use his last name, there's something going on. She's suing somebody for poisoning her,

so she's seeing fucking DEA agents in front of her house. This poor kid was always fucking retarded Okay She worked at a restaurant She was dating a dude for nine years Also one day she comes home And she's fucking a lesbian Just like that

No fucking training can No nothing She just becomes a fucking lesbian right there You know there's a fucking problem right there I don't say nothing I keep it to myself okay She gets a dog with this ugly fucking lesbo They get a house

Then the lesbo beats her up Domestic violence Who the fuck? because she's a fucking nut. Then she went back to Dick, then back to, she's worse than Ellen's old wife. Remember the chick?

Oh, yeah, that boy, and then she went and had two kids and now nothing. No more lesbian, no more LBGTQ community. That's how quick these motherfuckers change in L.A. They go from LGBT to BLT.

Yeah, for the BLT. So now he comes on the show, and every question I ask him, he says he thinks this is like the godfather too. Like he's under questioning by Congress. I did not remember. that certain fucking thing. Mr. Senator, you're all my client of the apology.

When the fucking podcast, I launched into him, that his fucking retarded wife calls me. What did you give Mike? He's 70 years old. Mike did heroin for 30 fucking years. A fucking edible is not going to put a dent. First of all, that guy's, one of those guys, I love Mike.

He's my uncle. But he's one of those guys that hasn't stopped since he got back from Vietnam. Do you know what that means? He's always got something in his pocket. Yeah. He may not be doing blow, but he may have fentanyl that shit Michael Jackson drank, or he may have Vicodins, or he's just one of those dudes since I've known him.

Or he might have weed, but he's always got, so like, I told her, when she called me back again, then I go, listen, he's fine. He's going to be fine. He's going to be fine. He just ate fucking 200 milligrams. Just let him sleep it up. She goes, he doesn't know where he is. I go, you know, God knows what's in this fucking system. Yeah.

I go, you were his wife for 30 years, and you're another. fucking retard calling me at two in the morning to add and i thought they were going to take him to the hospital oh my god what a pussy but no he's fine he woke up and two days later he called me apologizing he was staying at the marriott because the retarded daughter the older one fucking kept hearing martians and people oh my god you know man there's a thin line between mental health and like fucking and you could see it like i'm just fucking crazy and i do drugs right but the mental health issues they're coming i feel them from time to time last night i went off of the Hindu at 7-11 because he wanted to charge me 10 cents for a fucking bag.

Oh, man. I'm in there every fucking day. I'm in there every day. And they always give me a bag. Last night, this particular fucking dot. He gave me like the evil eye and then charge me 10 cents. I fucking went off on him. I threw a dollar at him.

I go, here's a dollar, you fuck. I come, I'm family in the 7-Eleven. I've stopped burglaries in here. This is one of the only 7-Eleven in the country. I don't shoplift. I give me the respect. Wow. I don't even shoplift.

I've never shoplift. Holy shit. You don't shit in your backyard. They're right there. They're good people. I'm family at the 7-11. Yeah. It's not the ISIS 7-11 on Chandler and Laurel Canyon.

I went in there today, dog. That's straight up ISIS. That's all of a minute. I wouldn't eat that motherfucker because they're poisoning you. They're poisoning you with like that gas. They're trying to shit out on you. That hot dog will blow up. Yeah, I don't fuck with that.

I had to drive my friend there today. I was that dude. When the tequito is ticking. You know what I mean? I hate that. shit. So yeah, I'm very sorry about the podcast last week, guys. You know, it was never my intention.

I had to sit here and talk with myself with Lee, and he kept sitting there. He didn't know where he was. He was tapping on the table. That is so overrated. He was swarled his nose. He was fucking doing everything to irritate the shit out of me. But anyway, now that's off my chest. How are you, cocksuck? It's a beautiful

fucking Tuesday. Ralphie Mae, what up? Hey, baby. It's so great to be here in part of the church. I love it. He got the new Pope, Cocoa, Boom, Boom, Dias, where's the package? Look at Lee. I got a look at his face. I got Cardinal Lee Syatt.

He has to stop squinting. Look at him. I know. He's back. He's all fucked. When you start me off with, I don't know how, whatever thousands of milligrams you gave me, like, I just, I, like, the, it got to the point where that the nice lady at the, at the store that we go to, told me I need to take a tolerance break. She told me.

I see, I've seen her so much that she's like this. Which lady? The blonde. the skinny one. She's very nice. I think I'm the name is like Sky or cute. Oh, Sky. With the black, she's, it's blonde over black hair, real cute. Yeah, I think. Yeah. Oh, yeah, everyone over there is great, but she's like, because I went in there and I even told you, I was like, I asked for something new. And she's like, well, you've tried everything. I'm like, no, there has to be something like new that that's more than 50 milligrams. And there's literally,

like, I walked around the store three times. And there's nothing that you haven't given me. And there's nothing. There's nothing strong enough. enough in weed stores now. Like, I have to poison myself with 2,000 milligrams to get anywhere near stone anymore. Like, it's... Isn't they great? Yeah, no doubt. You're fucking very fortunate. Now you're bulletproof.

That's right. You're bulletproof. They can't fuck with you. They can't stop you. What if one of those dirty Russian cock suckers try to put something in you? You'd be like, go fuck yourself for your truth Sarah. Yeah. I'm fucking Lee. I've been talking about for you. That when ISIS comes, I've got to poison these people, and you're going to be the only one standing. Everybody else

is going to be on the floor. All these other Jews are going to be shit and you'll be in training we're in training. Is that why you go to multiple stores? Like is that Yes. Is that just they don't know what you're doing? We're doomsday prepers. Well, Ralphie, you, like, I've heard, I've only heard stories about you.

I think it's like from Ari and then from Joey about like you had, like before Mason jars were cool, you had like a pint mison, like a gallon mason jar of his weed on the table. On the table. I still got it. Where was that place at? It was close.

that chirpico. Yeah. Off pico. The first place you moved to it was when Sean Rouse was living with you. Yeah. He had a fucking container in the fucking middle. It was a pound of weed. It was fucking awesome.

It was huge. He would go to that place on Mondays and turn out their lights. Turn out the lights. Three ounces of this, four out. They would sit there and go, what the fuck are you doing with this? I know. And the truth is, is most of it. I gave it away.

I gave it away. The clubs would tell me, like the waiters when I get there, the waiters will go. He showed up with these fucking chima chews. Yeah. And I think it's just the coolest thing to do, you know? I mean, the first time my buddy Ari Shafir, of course, you know, Ari, right? You know Ari. Absolutely.

Okay. Ari, first time he ever saw an ounce of weed, I handed it to him. Here, I, I, you're hilarious. I love you. Here, trade this weed, you know? We were the first. I mean, in my generation, he couldn't believe it. In comics, I mean, in 2003 or 2004, I was the first one to start making some money that was a stoner.

You know, so it was like, fuck, we're all going. We're all partying. Okay, we're all partying. Coco, take this. Try this. And you know what? Joey is a guy that will eat a girl's pussy while melting a Coke on her clip and then reach into a pocketbook and get hungry. get hundreds, okay?

All right, and mad that he only pulls out ones and fives, okay? All right? He's mad till he gets that hundred. Then, oh, she came. I'm out of here, right? But when it came to taking weed from me, I had to force it to him. You had to force it to him. You did not, your pride, you're like, I go buy my own weight.

I know you can, but here take this. Oh, you give me that Matt's OG. That fucking Matt's OG. I missed that shit. Me too, man. 35% Damn, that was good I really missed that fucking refine

I saw him a few months ago man Yeah He married that girl Yeah, he had long hair And he was doing his thing Yeah I said he closed it down You know, it's amazing how those

He was When Cushmart opened The word on the street From a lot of people Cushmart at one time We're making 25 grand a day That would need 25 fucking grand a day At one time

How much was like a gram at that point do you think? 25. Yeah. Jesus. 25. The Russians on fucking sunset by Rouse were charging 30 for a gram. The rock and roll rouse, right? Rock and roll rouse.

They were charging 30 for a gram of Obama and 90 for a fucking eighth. They were straight up gangsters with that weed. Yeah. That place on foremost, what was that place that we used to go to the pharmacy? Yeah, but the, no, it was the West Hollywood Collective. No, no, we used to go to pharmacy for a while. Oh, yeah, the pharmacy with the F. When you bought the tickets for us to go see Clemens pitch

and it was a thousand degrees in August. Yeah. Against the Dodgers. And we bought, Ralphie bought a bag of edibles at the other place because the pharmacy had like ice cream and they were going out on a limb, Italian ice. Yeah. But the other place next.

the breakfast joint that we used to go to there the uh by a whiskey a go-go yeah down there with the black chick the hot skinny black girl yeah she was they used to have cakes in there lee that would fuck you up like chocolate cane you were like 400 milligrams and i remember we took them to a fucking dodge again and this one before you had the tolerance for it this was way before tolerance this is when you ate shit and went home and cried yourself to sleep in shape. Yeah. You went to a doctor's game? Yeah, we went to a thousand degrees.

You me and John Wesley. Yeah. And we sat right under the sun dog with those edibles. Getting a fucking sunpan and brewing. That son was cooking those fucking edibles. How many waters did you buy from the guy? The water guy when it came by 77. All of them, dude.

We were fucking trained. I handed him on my job. We left after three or four innings. It was untowable. It was too hot. The ticket was so good. that they were bad because it was right in the sun. Right in the sun.

Yeah, those are tough in L.A. Especially, there's something weird about heat on edibles for me. Yeah, no, no, they make your sweat. Yeah, it makes it like, I don't know. I don't feel good when I, if I'm too hot, I can't do it edible. I get hot. Like, it's one of the weird, Joe Ely always makes fun of me that I pass out in the studio after the, after, when it was really hot, when it was the summer, I would take my shirt off. Just, I have no idea why.

I don't take my shirt off at the beach, and I was taking my shirt off here with the door open because they turned the AC off and I was just hot. At least Siyadh don't take his shirt off in the shower. I don't. He's like Josh Wolf's hat. It's fucking crazy. Let me tell you something, man. That shit makes me sweat like a motherfucker. Oh, my God.

Like, I refuse to exercise. Like, if I eat an edible and I get somewhere and there's stairs, like I'm fucking pissed. Even if it's two little stars, which will not get me high, they will fuck me up when I'm walking up those stairs. When I run out of the breath, it makes my mind think I'm passing out. Yeah. Like, I went to radio one time in Boston,

the elevator broke. And that motherfucker made us walk up to the third floor by the second floor. I'm like, though, you better bring the radio station down here. No, no, I'll do a phoneer from down here. Yeah, I'll do a phone from down here. I thought you were like the eighth floor or the 10 floor. No, though. But these are long.

There was an escalator. And it's Boston. The ceilings are really high. The fucking electricity went down. So they were going to walk up. Jesus. They were running the radio show on a generator. I can't do edibles and do anything.

Like, once I do edibles, I don't blame me. And I walk unexpectedly, my fucking heart stopped. My heart fucking beats too much. What about going downstairs at the old office? I used to have a freak out whenever I was drunk. Those are kind of steep stairs, man. Those freak me out. Oh, my God.

Yeah. And I'll be, I'm fine. Like, I get a little nervous sometimes if I'm out and it's like rainy or something, but if I'm sober, I'm fine. If I, like, I always, that was my biggest panic at that office was that people were going to see me walking down the stairs and they know it'd be stoned. Because it took me like five minutes once because it would take like a couple tries. It was scary. You know, like my depth perceptions off. I hear you.

It's, uh, it's a different, but it's, I kind of like now going out when I'm stoned. it's it's it's funny because I've always liked watching people and giggling at them but we just makes that a thousand times better just watching crazy like I I almost want to go back to a city I've never been in like a city really stoned like Boston or New York and like get to like sit and watch a whole city move by Boston's aggravating and you have to be very careful they'll leave because those Boston white people are different type of white people than you've ever dealt with case and point I had done a show there for New Year's in like 2000.

There's ice everywhere, snow everywhere. That's true, yeah. It is probably 18 degrees at the most. And I saw these two guys walk up to a hot dog place and start beating the living shit out of each other because one of them put ketchup on their hot dog. Okay, and they beat the shit out of each other where blood and okay

and then he goes I told you not to put ketchup on it and gets up and they put their shirts back on and walk off together they're the craziest white people you've ever seen dude I grew up in the suburbs of Boston I never I've always hear stories about this stuff I never really get to see it

but it but yeah I think the winter would be a little bit tough especially when it's like the same how hot freaks me out I think super cold would freak me out too if I was stoned like when you can't breathe a little bit when the cold takes your breath away man okay I was just in Fargo North Dakota last month it was negative 22 degrees the wind chill negative 40 it was so cold

I went outside to smoke a joint literally I thought I was gonna pass out it it hit me so hard because it was so cold the weed did and then what we do You're walking to the warmth. Yeah. It's like being in high school, you smoke outside, then you walk into the high school. Yeah. And the weed levels off a little bit because you're in warm weather. Right.

It's deep. Man, it was so. Was that the coldest you've ever been in? Yeah, that was the coldest I ever been in, dude. I mean, I can't describe it to people. I mean, it's just, I mean, Coco, in my bus on the inside, the windows were all closed. The bus heater's on. I have a space heater on top of that.

I am under six inches of blankets. And there's a water on top of my blankets that's about 18 inches away from the window. And it completely froze. And it was inside in a heated place that far away from the window. That is how fucking cold it was. I've never experienced anything. I tell you what, those people up there... That's up, man.

They're the fucking toughest motherfuckers ever. People think they're tough guys. All right, you ain't tough till you do that. When I was in my fifth year comedy, fourth year comedy, I moved back to Boulder, and I started getting work as a feature in different cities, you know, not in clubs and one-nighters. These guys were booking stuff. And the first weekend after New Year's, I went to Riverton, Wyoming, and it had to be that type of shit, and it snowed. So I remember being at the hotel

Waking up like 11. There was no breakfast in hotels In no days. There's no free breakfast. You woke up and you had to look at that front desk and go, Where do we go? And I asked the dude, I go, where do I go to eat lunch? He goes, I wouldn't take a chance.

You driving? I said, no, I'm walking. He goes, you ain't going to make it. Yeah, you wouldn't make it? He goes, you ain't going to make it? And I said, yes, I will. And I went off there, dog, and I walked and walked, it was fucking brutal.

Brutal, dude. It was fucking brutal. Especially with the wind. The wind is what, at least for me, is what got me. It was cold, and under your skin. The last time I was in Minneapolis was January, two, three years ago. And it was one of those days, and I went outside to smoke. It cut you. And as soon as I went outside, I could feel the jeans getting cold, like my skin touched against the jeans. And already they were cold. You could only stay outside and smoke maybe a half a joint. And I'd turn it off and hide it right there at the Mall of America and the bricks.

That's exactly what I would do. And I go back an hour later and take it off the brick. I do that everywhere. I find the dumpster and put it on the ledge. It's a dumpster. Or a fucking trailer. There was a, in Jersey, there was a trailer. They just built behind the hotel and Edgewall.

It was a slow construction trail. They had a flap. I put the joint on there. I'd smoke a habit, put it on there. Go to my room. It's better than you. What happened when you would smoke cigarettes? I know you don't do smoke cigarettes anymore, but I've always wondered that.

When you have to smoke a cigarette and then Zach Hull? You go outside. Jesus. And trust me, with the cigarette, you're fucking, it can be 10 below fucking zero and you go out there. Yeah. My tour manager, Ben, he was out there in it. It would take him 10 minutes to put on all the extra clothes to go outside and smoke a cigarette. Now, do you grow up in cold weather?

Arkansas had four seasons. You know, we had definitely had four seasons. It would get cold. I mean, you know, we had holes in our house. So it was if maybe it felt colder than what it really was. It's funny because I grew up in cold weather. You grew up really in cold weather, man. But the weather has gotten colder with climate change.

Is that what they call it? Like, global warming and everything. Even this rain we're getting in California. They're getting history making. Yeah. Like yesterday it rained four fucking inches in Long Beach. Is it true that we're not in a drought anymore? Is that true?

I have no fucking love. Like, I know you don't know. No. Listen, they were never in a drought. They were growing weed. They got water to grow weed. They ain't no fucking drought. You know what I'm saying?

Right or wrong? Right. That's why I still took long showers. They got water to grow weed. They got water to fucking long. For a year, I would only take long showers on the road. I get in a hotel room. And it was like fucking paradise.

I was like Mad Max when they found four. fucking gasoline. I just laid in the fucking tub for an hour that my fungi nail softened. But now I said, fuck that shit. When I'm home now, I go in the shower, bitch. I steam everything. I steam the muffler. I don't give a fucking.

Coco, you take two showers a day. Three, two. Dude. When I lived with you, it was at least two, maybe three. Water was free. Fuck it. Let's do this. I love fucking showers.

I love going in there and breaking the monotony. Jerry Seinfeld used to have a joke that he was. put on his Rodney Dangerfield special about the shower. No, nobody can body in the shower. Nothing can have a body in the shower. Think about that. He's too busy. He's in the shower.

You're in the shower. You're in the shower. You see that hair and you wonder how it got up there. Howard would just cleop his way up the wall. That's an early Seinfeld dog. He was on fire that night. Man, that guy is so good. And yet so boring to me.

I find Jerry's joke so boring But he's so good Like from like purely like just Joke technique and everything I mean he's brilliant But what he has to talk about Does not fucking interms me And at all

About your fucking socks I don't give a shit I don't give a shit about putting your keys And your shoes at the beach I don't give a shit about any of that You know But he's so good at doing it Somebody fucking cares

Dude, of course, he's the fucking greatest. They're paying him a ton of fucking love. I know, what do I know? They just brought his web show to Netflix. They just bought a Netflix. Netflix just brought comedians in cars drinking coffee to Netflix. But he's also doing two specials for him.

Wow. He's doing two specials, so it's like $50 million deal. It's crazy. And I love Seinfeld's show. I've seen a couple of his stand-up specials. So I love, but what's interesting is I have, I've only seen it before I started this and before, like, the storytelling comedy. Yeah. So I mean, I'd be interested to look back on it, even because I like it.

It's, I think it's funny. But now that the, the, the, what, I don't even know what the word is, but the genre of comedy has changed a little bit. I don't know if it stands out. I paid to see him. I paid, I took a girl on a date, maybe, 1992. In Denver, I took this girl on a date, and I did stand-up. I was like, I opened a microphone. She knew, and I took her down there.

He was great. He was fucking great. He did, like, a Q&A at the end. Oh, wow, really? I was ready to ask him a stupid fucking question. I'm happy I didn't. So it was before the show then, if it was 92? It was around the show.

The show was, I don't know. There was the show starting. It had a tough first season. I think the show was starting. I don't know. He had a really hard, tough season. A lot of people don't understand how... Well, you know, they always said that if it was today,

the show would have never made it because they would have fucking cut them by the fourth episode or something like that. But I still watch the show on the road sometimes. I still watch it. I still giggle. That shit makes me laugh, man. Makes me giggle. I still remember the night that show ended.

It was like a fucking big deal. Yeah. Improbs didn't even do stand-up that night. No, it was a big screen. It was a Thursday. They got a big screen. and just people came in and watched it for free. John Panette, I saw that episode the other day.

John Panette was great, and they were making fat jokes at him, and that's why they went to jail. Hilarious. I fucking, I love that episode. It was so funny. John Panette was great. Is it on something that you could watch it from the beginning? Is it like on Hulu?

It's on Hulu? Yeah. I like to start watching that from the beginning. You know, this fucking C-Sysot, they have a couple specials on there, But they have something very interesting, Ralphie. What is it? That when you fucking not doing anything, pretty interesting to watch,

they have the very beginning of Saturday Night Live. Oh, wow. The pilot with Carlin, the whole fucking thing. Just watch for four or five episodes. Wow. It's pretty fucking interesting. Man. And you won't, it's not going to be, I don't want you this.

I'm not telling you, it's hilarious. No. Oh, my God. Wait until you said, I didn't say that. No. I said, just watch it. Next time you're in a whole tournament. can't sleep, just go to C-So TV

and pressin' Joey to give you a month for free and fucking watch it. Dude, I used your month for free and I watched your special. I watched Dougie's special, Dougie Stanholm, and I watched Lori Kilmartin.

How good is Lori Kilmartin's? Phenomenal. I heard it's phenomenal. Phenomenal. You know what? It's like, I tell you what, HBO and Showtime, they better get their fucking shit together, because between Netflix and Hulu,

those motherfuckers are going to be out of the comedy business. As far as like those specials I saw and C-Syso, okay, as opposed to the last three specials I've seen on comedy, I mean on HBO,

HBO is hot garbage in comparison to Dougie and you and Lori Kilmartin. That's no bullshit. I'm going to tell you some man times are changing you know times are changing and they're moving fast and I told you that a week after the special came out I got a call from an agent that I

almost signed with and he congratulated me and he goes I learned something very interesting this week that somebody else had put on an HBO special nobody's talking about it and you put on a CSO special everybody's talking about it and everybody's watching it from 9 to 5 he goes next time one of my clients gets an offer from HBO. I think I'll only do it if they only put it on Saturday night and then stream it afterward online. If not, it's really not worth it.

No. And you learn, you learn. You live and learn, man. You know, everything's changing. Your audience now is from nine to five. It's the people who go into offices. Ten years ago, they couldn't find this now. We're all over the place.

They listen to Bill Burr. They listen to Jim Jeffries. They listen to Joe Rogan. Oh, my goodness. A hundred million downloads last. You. They listen to you. They listen to here. I mean, yeah. No, no, no. It's, this game is changing. Mark Merrin? Oh, my God. Yeah.

It's fucking crazy. Ever since we had Ray Cana on, I'm always looking. He runs a Roku channel or a YouTube channel. No more. No, okay. He used to. He bought a soldier out or something. Wow. I went to this restaurant the other day, and the owner's daughter was watching a YouTube video of, like, that guy, Pewty Pie, who plays video games.

and talks about it while he's playing the games, she was watching that on the 60-inch TV at the restaurant, because it was her father's place. And she was like, had to be under 10. And I'm like, that's the future. They have cable there. They have all, but she's watching a YouTube video.

And it's interesting. Like maybe HBO. Was it a YouTube stream or a YouTube video? No, it was a video because you could go back and forth. It was crazy. Like, it's like HBO is sort of like the Jerry Seinfeld, like that, like they're still on that platform. And then YouTube, it just, it's, everything is changing.

Like, no one, I would never have wanted to watch a YouTube video instead of TV. I had a computer when I was growing up, but there was no, I remember had a Rambo on video disc. There were no real videos or anything. Now, that's all people want. Was it first blood or Rambo? I think it was first blood. That's a deadly movie. Is that on YouTube now?

Like all those movies are on YouTube? Is that what you said? Probably to tell. It's like YouTube Red or something like that. Right. Yeah. You have to. Yeah.

You have to rent them. You have to buy them. it's it's but but that's the thing people don't want all people want now is like even i saw some like same trippily tweeted something today like someone was like six thousand people were on instagram live watching this uh workout trainer working out that's what people want now they want quick like i almost whenever i'm at home with paula i don't we really don't watch movies that often like i think this weekend we watched one movie but it's all tv like it's we're like it's we don't want quick and it's

and it's the movies have been so bad i think that's why they're going to youtube and stuff i don't know i mean having you guys found yeah man i mean i i got that fire stick that amazon fire stick and we had it hacked and so we get all the movies and stuff like that bro so many of the fucking movies are not worth a goddamn dime i mean are total shit even for free there's no yeah yeah there's no i mean we'll turn off a free movie just because this is this is killing my head you know this is this is a headache

on like on my TV last week I love Chail Sondon I think he's amazing at Trash Talk I pulled up like a 20 minute Best of Chales Sonnen trash talk video and had a better time watching that that some kid

put together by himself on his laptop than a TV show or a movie it's it's pretty interesting Interesting. And it's, I don't know. I mean, well, I think both of you guys have had a huge career growth from online video.

Man, Netflix for me, flip the script, man. I mean, you know, you do four with Comedy Central and it's good. You do one with Netflix and it's all more than the first four with Comedy Central. I mean, it's, but you know what? I was lucky because I took less money for the special. and did them on better cameras. You know, it cost me more money. But because of that,

Netflix bought all my ones that were on Comedy Central, and they were the first to go out on those, when they used to do just DVDs. Do you remember that? Absolutely, yeah. And they, when they first went to 1080, they, mine were already there. And that's one of the last, like, four I've shot were in 4K.

and so they're still going to be good for years and years and years. And I took less money, but it's better for me in the career. But, man, Netflix, dude, I'm going to Australia in April because of Netflix. I've never told a joke in Australia. And I'm going there. It's crazy. It just opens up so many doors because you're special now is worldwide. Yeah.

It's fucking just, it's too. I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about. about late before. I'm high. You confused the fuck out of me that you went to PewDie Pie and she was watching the restaurant and you and Paula watch you and Paula watch fucking nothing. It was also you watch fucking terrible shit anyway.

You stay home and it's like it's like Jim Jones fucking it's where Jim Jones gave out the Kool-A you're just waiting to give out Kool-Aid to shoot yourself out. The other day they were watching Adam Wiles I was so fucking happy. I was so fucking fucking. Adam House is a phenomenal movie.

20 years old he sits in at night and watches Cheers. You want to shoot, you want to shoot him. You want to fucking shoot him. This is what I got to deal with. He watches Cheers. I like cheers. I'm making my way. I think he's in fucking Boston. Taking your way through the world today? Is it taking everything you got?

It really is sometimes. Be nice to know. I haven't. I don't. What a shoe. Would help a lot? I don't even know. I don't even know what to watch anymore. Like I judge a movie, brother, right from the fucking trailer. And I could tell you from the trailers now if this is the movie.

Yeah. Do you follow me? Like, you could see it and go, that's the movie. That's as good as that movie is. Garren, fuck, don't even take a genius no more. Don't even take a genius. I grew up a movie buff. I still watch trailers.

You could see it, you know, all these assholes that did a movie and it was great. But they were on top of their game at the time. And when they went to them with sequels, they said, no no let's move on like Jim Carrey with that fuck of death trap and Santa Claus 2 which momo finally went to see after three weeks after the fucking double day canceled he still went three times that was the sign right there not to go see Santa 2 because they made them years later when they needed the money right and they just did it and then they just got just got it just got it you don't even care they don't even they just keep putting out shitty shit yeah breaks even

in the box office they sell it to international and they make a little profit or it's fucking right off. I heard that fucking CBS is redoing the honeymoon. Yeah, that's a true story. Oh my God. Listen, man, there's not an original fucking idea left. Not an original

idea left. This new youth is fucking worth. They're garbage, dude. This is hot. Garbage. And the networks have came because they don't know what to do. They panic. So they said, what shows work, the honeymoon. They didn't know that it was the honeymoon was with Jackie Gleason.

Yeah. That was said at the entertainment. You know, they didn't know that it was fucking Uncle Buck with the fat fuck, not fucking the black dude. Yeah. You know, and I got nothing against nobody. I'm just telling you the truth. But John Candy. Yes,

John Candy was Uncle Buck. That's it. Leave it at that. Yeah. Leave it at that. Yeah. Leave it at that. Fuck, yes. You see the remaking Training Day as a TV show, but they just switched the races. Yeah.

That's all they did. They just made the brain. I mean, if you can't say my nigger, okay, then kill yourself. Okay? You can't say my nigger. I saw that yesterday doing football and I was like,

oh my God. They're using that fucking mutton of the Titanic to be wild and shit. Seriously, though, dude. You've got to be able to say my nigger. Have you watched, have you watched Lead to Webber? You know what? I like it.

Oh, my God. I think it's brutal. You think it's brutal? I like it. I like Damon Wayans. It's tough to play rigs. It is. It's real tough to play rigs.

It took. I was such Lee. Here you go. When I got the rest of kidnapping, in 1987, Bruce Lee died in 1983. In 1987, if you came to me and said, Joey, you got to watch this kung fu movie, I tell you to go, fuck yourself.

I hated kung fu movies more than ranch dressing. Just because of your allegiance to Bruce Lee. There's no reason to watch any of those stupid fucking movies without Bruce Lee. He was here first. I like Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris, men wear black, good guys wear black. Dude. Dog coat of silence.

What was that Bruce Lee where they just start like warming up? Return of the Dragon, all that shit. For Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris to about 85, the octagon, whatever. What was that movie? Return of the Dragon. Him and Bruce Lee fought him. in the fucking Coliseum.

But until that time, I wouldn't see Dick. Like, if you came to me with one of your stupid fucking movie ideas back down, I'd tell you to go fuck yourself. But there was one dude in Boulder at the car dealership from Detroit, Michigan. That was my dog. His name was Jim Wheeler. I lost contact with him 10 years ago. He's from fucking...

Where's that comedy club outside of Detroit that's been there? Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. What's the name of that town? That's where he was... Oh. Something oak Oak Brook or Royal Oak Royal Oak

He was from Royal Oak Michigan This motherfucker Met Bruce Lee And got a book with his autograph The Tower G. Kundo He was cool as shit in really He was a Kung Fu dude He fucking came to see me when I was in county

The whole thing got me a job When I came out of county But he kept bugging me Before I got arrested The night He kept bugging me for weeks To watch Lethal Weapon and this movie with this fucking dude, Stephen Segal,

the one where he's fucking great. Oh, the, he only did one good movie, and that was when he's on the boat. No, no, no, no. Under siege with Tommy Lee, and they're doing that nice shit. The first one is tremendous. No, stop. The first one is fucking.

Which one is? The only reason why he made that one on the boat was because the first. It must have been good. It was tremendous. But what was it? What was the name of it? Above the law.

Oh. That was a good one. I thought I got it twisted up. He made above the law, which then he went on Letterman and made an asshole of himself. Yeah, right. He asked him if it was the real CIA. He wasn't the CIA.

But he was married to Keller the Brock. And if you're married to Kel of Brock, you're always welcome my motherfucker. Yeah, right. You know what I'm saying? Let me smell your hand. Keller LeBrock and weird science, good, Googling, moly.

When you're a kid, your head explodes. And what do you guys want to do? Yeah, that whole fucking thing. But then he released the one, And he goes to Brooklyn. Who shot Bobby Lupo? That one wasn't bad with sticks. And that's what that's the dude from Law & Order.

Who shot Bobby Lupo? And he fights it. It's all about the mafia. Dude, I saw you the other day on fucking Law & Order. William Forsyte is the gangster in that. And you know the girl that Tony Soprano hooks up with that he buys the real estate from? That she's on that showdown. Hard to kill?

No. No. What's the show that she's on now? Viviana Margulies or something is her name. She was Tony Soprano. And then she started dating Christopher. Yeah. And then Christopher was doing heroin with her.

Right. It's her first movie. She plays the hooker. She's the gangsters hooker. And Stephen Seagall. That's that one. Yeah. The third one was the one, the horrible one.

When he gets shot and he goes into a coma. Oh, yeah. That was horrible. And he wakes up. He's fucking no paralysis, no fucking, what's that thing you go for training after you wake up? Rehab. Rehab. No, nothing.

No. He woke up from a coma and he was throwing sidekicks for Jesus two days later. Fuck you. And then after that, it all went downhill and shit. Yeah, who gets out of a coma starts beating people, choking him out of shit, his cardio. I was in a coma. I couldn't work a spoon to my mouth, okay? What the fuck you're talking about?

He came out of a coma. He was beating up fucking muscle guys and running four months. and running four miles. Almost drowned in applesauce. That is fucked up, but no, no. Above the law is the real fucking deal,

my man. It's deadly. That's a great movie. Dude, I saw you the other day talking about Alexis. All right, taking out the trash on that fucking law and order, dude. Which one of it?

The one you were on. You would take out the trash. You were telling the cops about the fucking SVUs or something. Dude, it was great. You get the check. I did two scenes. I did two scenes, but they fucking cut them. They cut the one. Oh, they cut the first one? Yeah, they cut. It was the fucking coldest day of the year, my friend. You understand me? And the fuck that. I had a $20 bill, Lee. And I walked into a store and I said, hey, let me get a pack of cigarettes and something else. listen

it was $16 fucking dollars and I almost shot myself I go why's it $16 for a a soda pack of cigarettes go cigarette to 10 that's when I shot that which had to be 2006 yeah

I can't imagine what cigarettes are in New York so the next time you go to New York pack heavy in fact there's somebody who could Jean-Pomper quit because he said he went to New York and he went downstairs it was $10 a pack he goes I'm done done yeah

it was 10 I got a schnapple and a fucking pack of smokes and it was fucking $17 $17.16. And a lottery ticket. 17 bucks or something. I was like, what the fuck? Jesus. And the wind was coming. See, this was, before I was trying to tell you about global warming

and stuff. Oh, yeah. But it changed in New York because there were all those tall buildings got built. All those buildings along the Jersey coastline facing New York City, they all got built. So that slows that wind down. When I was a kid, I still remember, I could still go through maybe four nights.

One night I was coming from Judas Priest at the palladium. I went over there by myself and I came on. My mom had just died. She'd been in the grave two weeks. I said, I'm going to see fucking Judas Priest. And I went over there and I got off that Boulevard East Bus and I was walking up to Kennedy Boulevard. And a wind got me and I was dressed to kill.

You're like not dressed to kill, but like, you know, Parker, hooded sweatshirt, boots. That wind got a hard. old to me man my fucking spine almost bro there was one time in riverton wyoming yeah i remember the night freddie prince died oh wow i was a kid and i remember finding out when i was out we were fucking kids and we got you know in those days you drank a bottle of boons farm you know and i ended up drinking a fucking like two bottles of boons farm and we split like a ten dollar bag of reef and i walk through the cemetery. There's a shortcut in Northburg and a lot of people, a lot of people

know about it. You go on through 64th Street right behind the projects. You come out on 46th Street. And sometimes you bump into Santeria people. Sometimes you bump into real devil worshipers and shit. How much time are you saving on this walk with devil worshippers?

20 minutes, but you're a kid. You're just 20, 25 minutes. Because the night you've got to walk all right on Kennedy Boulevard and then walk down 403. Now you just come you just crawl through somebody's backyard like we had a spot where we had made like a little hole just come out of somebody's backyard right

there they live bordering the cemetery but I went in that cemetery it was fucking freezing yeah it was freezing I don't take a shit so you know me I'm a Catholic I'm respectful there's all these fucking old graves I look for the old

his grave and Gavin Shower wasn't anywhere near like 1891 like 1890 one dog I went over there and pulled my pants halfway up and I started looking around real creepy and I took my little dump and when I pulled my pants on I had peed in my

pants and the cold weather had frozen them already I had shingles on the outside there were fucking shingles on the outside up like that when it gets iced over oh that's how fucking cold it was like I still remember that night and one night I went to the fucking

island of insanity party at Hudson County party if you go to Hudson County Park in January. It gets so cold that the river freezes in this little island where ducks live. All my friends would grow across that fucking pond with kegs and I took a fucking quailout. Oh, this is a great story. You rape yourself? No, I took a quailout.

This kid, a little librenno and this fucking dude Joe Fokorajon. Nobody knew we took these gorilla biscuits and we knew they were strong. So we inhaled these guerrilla biscuits. We went to the island of insanity. We got so fucked up But down in the salad We had a go dog We had a fucking go get something to eat

So we went to the Wing Fong It was on it was on Bergenland Avenue We were kids We were professionals The Wing Fong The Wing Fung Chinese restaurant We were on foot So we couldn't walk the chance

No We couldn't walk the chance It was fucking freezing We walked out of Hudson County Park We made a left And there was the Wing Fong But the problem with the Wing Fung Was we would always dine in DASH

And that motherfucker So soon as we walked then these motherfuckers started lining up. They called their cousins, their uncles. So we had money to pay that night. You know what I'm saying? We just sat there. You got to keep him off guard?

We're going to keep him off guard. Now there's this kid Joe Folk. He's still on Facebook today. And he's got a hooked nose. Joe Hook. Joe Hook. They used to call him Jola Folk. So me and Loobbs are sitting on the same side,

and Jola Folk is over here. And we're talking. We order egg ribs and pork fried rice and shrimp and lobster sauce and pop-p-a-pop-pom. And we're reading, everybody's eating. And we're getting it. And all of a sudden, Joe Fokarachio's fucking feeding his face. Right? He's feeding his face.

And all of a sudden, I could see it was like he ate four stars, right? He got fucked up, Lee. And all of a sudden, his face, he just fell into the Chinese restaurant, into the Chinese food. And he's snoring, right? He's fucking snoring at the table, right? And I'm with Lebrano, and Lebrano's going, Fafo, Falk, you're embarrassing me. Falk, get out.

Why would you go to Chinese food after this? Because we were fucked up and freezing. And in those days, you couldn't go home smelling like reefer and like duck shit. So to tame the fucking, to tame the high from whatever pill we took, we went to the wing farm. And we fucking ate, and we stayed there for like to we stayed there till we, we had all. We bought it extra noodles. We took up because it was 10 below fucking zero out there. Man, yeah, fuck that.

That's cold, Jack. And I walked home that night, and I fell asleep in the hallway, Gallup's fucking hallway. There was a building next to Dragon Grocery. It's still there, and it's still called Dragon Grocery. On the way down to my house, I'm giving that terrace. It's still on the corner there, one of the longest hills in North Bergen, and it goes this way, and there's a bodega there,

and next with it, there's an apartment building, I say three floors, and you have each floor. I knew the girl on the third floor, and, bro, I must have been freezing. I blacked out by the time I got out. I got off Kennedy Board of all, and I blacked out. I still remember I had a baby blue hooded sweatshirt with like a duck vest, like a duck jacket,

the whole fucking jacket. So I was pretty warm. I had gloves on and shit, but it gets better. wake up in this hallway with this fucking, like I slept in a fucking hallway. Was it even a hallway or was it the alleyway? Where people's mailboxes are? Oh, okay. So it's an hallway.

It's in the, I mean, it was still cold in there, but it wasn't 22 below. I fucking woke up, bro. I went to the grocery store. I bought an orange juice. I drank that motherfucker and I tidlead my way down the hill. I know you love orange juice. Doug, I had this fucking jacket, right? You motherfucker fucking love orange juice.

I don't drink orange juice. I don't drink. Oh, my God. I wish she had drinking juice. I used to have this feather jacket in those days. And one day my man Veneery had a Mustang, like the two-door white one. That was the only car that the family had that was white. It was his sisters.

And once he got old enough to drive, they gave him the Mustang. So he's driving on Kelly Boulevard. Somebody says, can you give us a ride home? He goes, come on, get in. We all get in there. But my duck jacket gets caught in the hook. And he left the window open. So within three fucking minutes, the window.

was hitting the duck and there was feathers all over the fucking car he was pissed at me for like six months you know how there's to vacuum feathers out of your car where near me was Tony better that cuck sucker took him a year to get all those

feathers out of there fuck of you so funny Coco you're hilarious I want to be around To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Well, he's going through changes tonight See, you don't go through these changes

When you're at home with mama holding hands Watching fucking cheers I don't eat 11 red stars and one and a half Do you not pick up a bag of fucking stars every Tuesday? Yeah, but that's the whole bag So what do you do with it? You stay with it. This I'm talking about. You're going to training.

as you used to do with me oh yeah baby what's up who'll leave you to learn yeah that mystery the picture behind you yeah China wait and see I mean I want to man you know I was doing a show in Louisville at the old improv when it was there I ran into Tony Bennett, and he said his assistant, which was like a 30-year-old hot chick.

And he was performing the next day. And I go, Mr. Bennett, if y'all are just putting it out there. Mr. Bennett, I'm a stand-up comic, huge fan of your music, Anthony, and I'd love for you to come over and see the show. Not, didn't think a thing of it. That was a waste of my breath, right? He came to my show and stayed two and a half hours for that show. I don't even know he was in there.

And at the end, I was doing those finger-banging shirts. And he goes, hey, Ralph, can I get a shirt? You know, the fingers, the fingers. And that was the coolest I've ever felt was what Tony Bennett was asking him for a finger-bank shirt. How strong is that? Poor Tony better He's bad, man He's badass

He's bad ass 80 fucking something That song came out The day I was born No it didn't Yes it did Look it up I believe you

That's fucking crazy He's so good He's still killing it I saw him last year With Lady Gaga So he's got to be 80 right He's older than 80 I think Look it up Lee

You got the computer The computer. You sound like my daughter. He is. 90. He's 90. He was born in 26. That's fucking heavy duty, my friend.

That's as good as a kiss, Jack. That means if he stops, he dies. Yeah. That means if he stops working, he dies. He knows that he'll get stiff and shit. He doesn't want to do that. So he keeps fucking moving. He probably paces himself.

Probably does a show every other night like Black Sabbath was doing. Yeah. three shows a night when you're 60 you know when we had the doctor around here one time I asked them when you prescribe testosterone

who are your biggest clients movie stars he goes for a while or football players he goes but it's musicians he goes all my musicians have fucking testosterone and they go out there

fucking three nights a week yeah and then you know look at you two's coming back man they're playing Joshua trade they're playing Bonnero this year. I don't even want to know

what they're charging for tickets. I just thought about... $300. Yeah, it's got to be three because Kat Stevens is charging three at the Beacon fucking theater last year. Yes, he did. Yes, he fucking did last September. $300 a ticket.

Welcome to the new... What? Did he get changed his name or something like Muhammad's shit? I don't know. I don't know. My friend's a Katz Stevens fan. He paid the $300. And I know I know for a fact I heard her tonight

and I was thinking about her tickets when she came to LA 300 was light 300 Barbara Streisand Oh my God 300 was light I was telling me and Lee That's a different audience

The first row That was that that's the top Jews Oh my God Those do they fly over from Israel They take them out of a cave They come over to L.A Just to be seen in there Just to be seen amongst those Jews

like that circle you pay $10,000 for the ticket. Come on. Come on, tell me, Lee. Arugula cookies. No. She was, yeah, that's going to be the new. Yeah, so you know this for a fact?

You two's charging three? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And that's the shit seats. I mean, that's what they're getting at the door. Okay? And everyone, I mean, they're doing Joshua Tree. They're doing just Joshua Tree.

Which is tremendous. It was just a fucking amazing album. In 1987. It's amazing. The album. Bullet to Blue Sky. The cheapest ticket I can find for their Agora Hell's one is

Standing Ramal and it's 50 bucks. Who? $52. You two. Wow. So to stand up, you have to. I don't know. The place in Nashville is 300 because

I was trying to buy it. Where they're playing? Bridgestone? Yeah. But they might not now because they just got Bonaroo. They're going to be playing Bonner. It's going to be 90,000 people there. They'll still sell out two nights later in Tennessee.

Too, oh my God. Still sell out in Tennessee two nights later. That don't mean dick with them. No, but Bonarroo gets real shitty about that. They don't want nobody performing. They didn't want me performing anywhere in Tennessee for like four months before and three months after. What's up, Doug?

I think most people spend their entire working life like hoping for retirement Do you guys think about retiring at all? Is that even a goal? I mean, and that could be like doing nothing or doing a couple shows a week.

I don't know what that would even mean for you. That's a YouTube tribute band. No, no, no, it's Hollywood YouTube, and that's his opening for them. That's a tribute band. No, I... Oh, Jesus Christ. It says YouTube.

It says Hollywood. Look, I see Hollywood. look I swear to God I see I got deal with it that's his opening for them do you say I got deal with I swear to God I'm not that I'm not that much

In Gora Hills where they're playing in the Gora Hills The Canyon Club no YouTube's not the Canyon is not You're not you big dummy Hollywood YouTube You big dummy this is what I got to deal with you see I'm saying As much as you're slipping That's it take a stripe from them

I know I'm saying where they're going to play in Gore Hills There's only the Canyon Club They're not going to go the fucking Canyon Club They'll play the state So why they happen on their YouTube website? It's this Hollywood? I don't know. You say, I'd do it.

I try. I took a strike. Fine. Is this a good one? You two in the Luminaires at the Rose Bowl? Yes. At the Rose Bowl. The Rose Bowl.

Not the fucking Canyon Club. I thought they're opening up at the tour. I don't know what the... Where's that song before? I, I, I, I, I remember Black Sabbath when he was started? Where is it? We should just put sound bites on this shit. I hate those fucking stars.

I tell them, be careful with those stars. I know. You can't be in training every night. It's $55. Okay. It's $55 for standing room only at the Canyon Club for a YouTube tribute band. Okay. Oh, my God.

Who would pay that? I don't know. I got to get their fucking emails. No shit. Them fucking morons. Oh, my God. I went to see the two. Oh, my God.

They were so amazing. Oh, my God. Maybe you're just tricking people like me Who didn't know? Yeah, you'd be up there YouTube Bono! And it's so fucking chubby dude How much they want for tickets?

And at the Rose Bowl They want $2.50. I told you. The Rose Bowl is fucking huge, man. It holds Was it, was it, was it holds 60,000? 70,000? Oh my God.

Hold on a second. Yeah, look at the price. These tickets. This is California. And that was for general admission below. Up top, they went, I'm sorry, 430. I guess maybe that's a better angle. I don't know.

They're retiring. Oh, my God. Do you want to confirm this? Just think something, make sure I'm... No, no, you're on the Rose Bowl. That's the right. I mean, I was like 55. I don't think so.

Where has America gone? Oh, dude. This is why I'm watching, Cheers. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Let me alone. Well, no, I'm saying it's the same thing.

It's the same time period in a way. What time period? Not exactly, but like that. Are they listen to YouTube on Cheers? No. Well, maybe 80s, 90s. I don't know when you two is around. Are you playing with me?

I don't know when you two is around. Are you really trying to drive me crazy? When was YouTube started? YouTube? The first time I'm about YouTube is maybe 82. No, you do. 82 or 83? So yeah, they were listening to YouTube.

Somewhere out there. So they were. They're so good. They're really fucking good, man. Really? You like you, too? Oh, my God, yeah. And they fucking blow it up in concert.

You'll sit there and fucking drool. It seems like Bono would annoy you. He got annoying. He got on my nerves on one of the tours. He walked on stage with a cane and shit. Let it go, okay? Stop. It's a sunrise.

It's a night. Yeah, like all that shit. Yeah, fuck off. But you know what, man? He shows, he shows up. he delivers the goods. And the guitar players are savage. The bass players are savage.

The drummer's a fucking savage. They're all fucking savages. So I ain't mad at nobody. I love music. I like, I like me. I like what they did. I like the early shit. I like some of the shit they play on the radio sometimes.

I mean, I wouldn't go buy it. If that's what you're asking me, but I like it. I really like the Joshua Tree, but I ain't paying $2.50 at the Rose Bowl. For shit seats. And it's 50 to fucking park, and it's night of beer. You know what? I buy the fucking CD and put it on my iPod.

And the next time I take a five-hour flight, I'll drop purely stars. Yeah. And I'll do it for fucking free. Man, those dudes with those stars need to hook me up. Those are great. Well, Bill, we'll fucking email you. You can take the stars with you, you know what I'm saying? I fucking love it.

Like, you want another one? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Lee, here's one for you, too. Oh, sure. Why not? Three of them, we might as well. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. Come on, Lee. Oh shit. Like a ninja. BOW. Can I have another water, please? There's no more water. Have some of that.

Thank you. No more fucking water. Why can't you just swallow it? It tastes pretty good. Mm-hmm. And watch. He's got about puke. Watch this.

He gets fucking... Just try to eat. I like them. I love these drinks. Oh, my God. I love, I personally, what do you think, Ralphie? I think gummies are number one edible for me. Yeah.

That or the old breast strips. Did you ever try those? I came out after the breast strips. I didn't try. Oh, my God, those are great. Now, they extinct for sure. Yeah, nobody's got them. I think that's one place still got them.

That place over in San Monica by La Ciena. Really? Right there in Santa Monica? Mm-hmm. If not, they should. I'd go in and buy them out, man. I'd go in there and drop $2,000 on those. I mean, that's the whole point within Edibles is just to get it over with, to do it quickly, to not have, I mean, I like smoking. I don't mind smoking, but it just doesn't last long enough for me. So, Edibles, I think that's why I don't like, like, the big cakes and the cereal bars. Nobody does. Some people do. They're obsolete, those things.

Yeah. They're obsolete. Those big. Oh my god. I don't think anybody's making cakes anymore. No, no. There's a company that has them. Remember the guy showed up here one day? Right, yeah. And he had like really delicious stuff, but 60 milligrams. I'm wasting 3,000 fucking calories. Yeah, no way. It's not worth the aggravation. It's a fucking huge piece of chocolate cake. They got it. But then I don't see baking goods anywhere. No. And I generally go to four places. I got that place, buds and roses. I got that. I got I got Perennial. I got the Russians number one.

And I got the people over by victory there. And I don't see those. I don't think there's no more banana bread. I don't think there's no more banana bread. That banana bread was daily, though, Jack. It was delicious. I don't think there's any more banana bread. People won't go for that.

That banana bread was so good. You know, the stars are seven calories. Yeah. Seven fucking calories. You don't even notice in your system. At night, you wake up to pee at two and it's real yellow. But that's it. It's glowing in the dark.

You wake up in a while, and the morning go, Oh, shit, that star had some dick to it. Yeah. That fucking meal. Look at that toilet. It's shining in the shit. It looks like that shit in the fucking, what's the old man movie? The shit they stole from the moon and put in the pool.

What's that movie with cocoon? Oh, cocoon, yeah. It looks like cocoon and shit. Yeah, right? You wake up at two, you pee those stars at death. You're like, ooh. That kidney's working overtime, Jack. I know.

We're putting the strain on those. motherfuckers. He must have to eat steroids and kill that fucking liver. Speaking up, Ralphie, Joey has tried to, or he doesn't try to, he does torture me recently with his boogers.

And I think I think you must have been around at that time. Have you ever seen him eat a booger? Who? Cocoa eat a booger? Yeah. No. No, no. My favorite Joey Booger story is

we were at the comedy store and like 2000. Okay. And me and Joe Deez were the only one smoking weed, okay? Up there. There were a bunch of Lamos. It just wasn't in. Me and Coco were it. And we kept on getting the ear beating from this black

guy who said he was a producer from Fox. He was just doing this to come into the shows. He probably wasn't even a PA, a production assistant. You know, this guy was there and he was so fucking annoyed and telling us about what TV show we should

do and stuff like this. And Coco, I guess he had a head called and the boogers, the boogers he was pulling out, Lee. They were like hard at the beginning and then like really thick and wet

at the end. I'm saying, okay? You know what I'm talking about? Tremendous. They're amazing. It's like half Trisket, half snail. Okay? And he'd take those and he go to this guy and

and rub him in. Okay, that guy must have had 20,000 snotts on the back of his jacket by the end of the night. Coco, I saw this one too. Lee, he got one going on one finger, and then went with the other nostril with the thumb, with the thumb, all right?

And so he had two. And that one looked like a fucking seagull shit on that guy's shoulder. It was so thick, and it was amazing. And this guy was such a, fucking asshole. It was the most tremendous...

I used to put snots on my high school teacher, Mr. Zink. And I used to hang out with a daughter. He used to wear the same black jacket every day. And once or twice a week, I go up to him and tap on the show and say, what up, Mr. Zink? And his back had fucking thousands of little dried snots. He would never wash the jacket. It was just my little snots on.

Who else I put a snout on? I put a snout on a few people. But that guy, the producer, was the fucking bad. Man, that was the best. Man, there's so many charlatans that came to the store over the years. Oh, so many. So much shit. So many people called me and sent me emails with just so much bullshit.

I don't think people understand. It's not the auditions and the other shit that wears you out. It's the fucking bullshit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Why do you have a little in Nashville? I think that's the fucking key this, just to avoid those people. There is so much bullshit you have to cut through when you first move here.

At first you look at these people and you're like, really? You're doing this and then you find out their fucking extras. They're so full of shit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. If somebody's doing a day extra work, all of a sudden they starred in this movie. Or you may have seen them in that movie. It's like, no, no one saw him in that movie.

You know, it's just annoying as shit. But speaking of movies, do you got to tell, does the church know about the M&M story? Does the church know about the M&M? When you threw it on someone in the movie? And it bounced off his fucking head. Oh, okay, okay, all right, all right. When we walked out, the guy had to have him.

He was showing it to the manager. But he had a big ass bald head and he had a red spot. Were you any with that fucking M&M? You're triggering me right now, Ralphie. This is bald hate. Oh, my God. Lee, it was a fucking peanut M&M so that fucking red spot. That's not big.

It was that big. You were whipping them. Oh, my God. No, I don't think we're whipping him. No, you whipped a couple. You whipped a couple, motherfucker. It wasn't just a lob. It was a.

No, no, no, no. What I was doing was I was throwing them up in the air. Let me tell you. There was a couple overhanded, man. It was a couple overhanded. You went through a whole big fucking box of fucking M&Ms because I bought them and I'm fat and I wanted them. Yeah, me too.

Why are you throwing these in a lot? But not the bag. The box, those big boxes, when they used to do it right? Oh, my God. And that guy getting hit. It wouldn't be better to lob it because it's I pick up steam. You probably

filmed to the top of the movie. You can hear the Eminem. He had it. He had it in his hand. And then the movie started. And throughout the movie, he was looking for the movie. He looked back.

He had the flashlight. He had the club manager in there. He had everybody in there. I'm sitting there. Like, I don't know what the fuck's going on, right? He knows it's us or the black dude in the corner. He's looking at the black dude. Oh my God

Oh Jesus It was fucking terrible He knows it's me and Ralphie There's nine people in the movie theater Yeah It's either me and Ralphie Or this black dude Sitting there by himself

With his hand on his cheek Like Napoleon And he's looking at it up Like he's either curtain number one A curtain number two He takes the peon and he goes out there The movie ends I thought he went home

Because his head hurt I thought he went home I told you, you binged. I told he went home. I told you. I told you. Did I tell you? I told you.

We need to hear. We need to hear of it. He had that rest by that being. I thought he went home to put ice on his head, right? The movie finishes. I forget all about this fucking dude. We're walking out. And he's got the fucking peanut like a baggie with, with things.

Like evidence. It's evidence. Oh, my God. And we're dying. Lining it up to the brewer. I need this fingerprinted. Oh, God, Coker. So funny.

There has to be like a Facebook group for all the people that you tortured through the years. Oh, my God. Look, we don't know who the he is. He's a mass man. So since I was a kid, I set your asshole on fire. I'm going to be honest with you guys. Since I was about six, I've been the king of the lob. I'm the type of guy that will get a rock and go,

five feet away from the corner of a roof. The king of the floor. And I won't even look down. I just go, whoops. And take my chance to you. And then take the elevator down and see if there's somebody down on the floor.

Or if I went through a windshield. When I was a kid, I was fucking crazy, man. What are you lobbing? Rocks, pennies, whatever I could get up to that roof and get away with. You were going to kill somebody? I was thrown off the roof. I didn't give a fuck.

I was crazy. I was, I didn't know. I did not know. You know, when you're five and six and you run around, you don't know, and you don't give a fuck. And then my family took me to Puerto Rico. And we went to fucking San Juan, and we got in a hotel. And the hotel is, we had like the fifth floor. And my mom and the ladies went out.

It was just ladies and me and the ladies' boys. It was me. The kid's name was Johnny Crespo. And there was another kid there. I forget that my moms were all friends. I had to be like seven And when they left I went out in the balcony

They started throwing ice cubes Off the fucking balcony And I could see the island You know, I would throw like ten of them And get the timing right You know what I'm saying? Like a couple would be walking all of a sudden It land over here

And they would go Fuck you And they walk, you know Sideways And keep walking So I would sit there for like ten minutes You know And

And that one night right there, I threw it. And I saw the thing, hit this dude. And he goes down, his wife goes down. And I run into my room. I put the bucket in, you know, the whole fucking deal. And within like 20 minutes, they knocked on the door. And the guy had to be taking a stretcher, the whole fucking deal. They measured where the ice cube could have came from.

They wanted to check the balcony. They checked the balcony. some of the ice cubes fell out and it was water now so they asked us to fucking leave and they were going to press charges it was a fucking I told you I was a devil when I was a kid though I was into all that shit that was my world throwing shit of people and tormenting people that was my fucking I don't know if you remember but I did you do you have a

did you feel like it was exciting to do that did you know what was wrong I remember the kid doing stupid stuff. I used to buy it. My mom had a bar. And in the jukebox, there were 45s. Okay, and I lived on the third floor on 205 West 88th Street. And they used to be like a parking garage where people would park. They cars and walk out.

I'd be on the third floor. But I was in the deep corner. So I would take the 45s and whizz them out my window. And they would whizz out and go down. And from time to time, you hit somebody go, what the fuck? Like that I got with him. 45 to the head. And then I turned into, you know, once my dad,

and I thought about this one. When I'm writing this book, I thought about that time period. It was a scary time period for my mom. One time I almost set the building on fire. I fucking went behind 88th Street, and I started lighting little papers. I love doing that shit. You light one paper, you light two papers,

and you push the envelope until the side of the building is on fire. I got to tell you something, guys. To this day, I remember taking my dick out and pissing. Like, this is going to put out that fire. That was your first thought to pee on it? And I peed on it, and I ran away, and I went to my room, and like 10 minutes later, I saw the fire department back there and shit, and I was giggling to myself. I was one of those movements.

I was one of those crazy fucks. So much the house has burned down and you're giggling. Man, Coco, have you ever told him about what you used to do to Bobby Slayton? No, no, no. Leave by the way. Dude. No, no. Leave me alone.

Oh, my God. He said, no, no, no, please. I don't know no drama over there. There's no drama. I talked about it with him this summer. We were dying laughing. No, you did. I did.

No, you did. I did. Are you not going to tell these people? No, no, no. Oh, my God. I feel bad. I can't. Hey, listen, Bobby.

All right. I need you to go outside. All right. There's a rock right by your mailbox. Underneath that rock is a package. All right. I tell you what? Because I got to go pick it up.

You go out there and leave your money there. All right. And I'll be right back. Okay. All right. The best one, I talked to him. He'd tell me where he was at on Friday night. He told me what he was at on Thursday.

So he's in Tempe. Let's say he's in Tempe. All right. I know if he's in Tempe. I know the hotel he's staying in. Right. Okay. So he can't figure this out.

I would call the hotel. I'd have this lined up from Thursday. Once he told me on Tuesday where he was going, I would start my torture chamber on Thursday. He would ask me if I knew anybody in that town. And I said, I'm not sure, but let me call the blind Mexican. My torture chamber. This is, and I'd make up a name of somebody who's down there,

He had a particular type of cocaine. I wouldn't know at this time. I would tell him it was El Chapo's cousin. He's got the Coke from 1984, you know. But I would start setting him up on Wednesday. I would ask him, are you taking some down there away? And he was, I'm taking a little bit, but I'm going to probably run out by Saturday, perfect.

I'd cave him. I'm going to talk him into doing it on Friday night. I'm going to talk him into doing it all on Thursday. So Friday night, he's got a struggle. And by Saturday, I got him on a hook. I got them walking miles to the corner, make the left down in this alley. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, for no payoff for you. I'm at home, howling my ass off. That's just, though. One ten minutes later. All right, so I'm on the, listen, you know, it's two in the morning. It's one day in the morning. I get home, I'm stoned.

But it's three in Houston. It's three in Houston. It's probably five in New York, right? Oh, my God. So let's say I know Ralph, He's in New York. I'll call Ralphie three in the morning. He knows. And if he's up, you'll pick it up. God, what are he doing? And I'll break his balls about spellbinders. They redid the floor or something. When I get off the phone with him, I leave him with like a question.

I go, Ralphie, yeah, let me know if I could do that weekend. Whatever. And when I got out the phone with him, I'm like, ah, who can I torture? And I call him, this is what I had slate in the box. By this time, he's looking all over Tempe. He can't find no blow. And this is when I set him up, you know, I tell him. And I get him perfectly. I call the hotel, asking what the name of the bar is on the corner. I call the club. No yelp. Oh, yeah, no yelp.

I call the club, asking who the waiter is. Oh, I'm a professional. With no good. No, and I would call him up. What are your creepiest waiter there in there? And I call him up Thursday. I call him up Thursday at 5. I know he's in this hotel room.

He just had a vodka. He just did one little blast. He's listening to the stones. He thinks he's Keith Richards. About 5.45 is when I put the first calling to him. What's going on? No, I'm sitting here. Hey, did you find out if you get me any?

I said, listen, I'm waiting for here right now on the amount. But I did speak to Chapo's cousin. And he's on the mule right now. I'm going to give it to a friend of his in Tucson. Who's going to bring it to you on Friday night? You know that junk you brought down with you? Do it. Get out of the way with them. Because you don't even want this around you

when this shit comes up to you. The shit they bring is what the three wise men showed up with. And I get them salivating at the mouth. And then I call him and get a 10. I tell him I got in touch with him. I got him touching him. And what does he want?

And he told me, I don't know, two or three grams. You know what? I like you. They're going to bring you seven. One big fucking rock. Wait for me tomorrow. Okay. And then he called me all day. wouldn't answer the call.

Can he be in my house going, nope. No. No. He'd be calling me all day and I'd be setting them up. And then I'd call him and I go, Bobby, where are you at? Listen, good news. He's on his way. Click, hang up on him.

You know what I'm saying? Where you at? Listen, Bobby, hold it. You're there? Bobby, you're there? And he'd be yelling, I'm here. I'm here. Pick up.

And I'd hang up. The next day's when the torture really began. Okay, this is when I call him, and go go to the corner to the stage coach bar, sit at the table, and ask for fucking Mani the waiter. I'd get him going. And he wouldn't know whether to ask him or Mani the waiters at the time.

And then once that foiled, he'd call me back. But see, it's like Jiu-Jitsu. I did the first attack, but I'm already anticipating the second. By the time he calls me, he's going to say, I went into that place. I sat there for three fucking hours. I was and the fucking way they didn't say nothing to me. His name was Manit.

I go, what the guy looked like? I don't know. What the fuck? They all look the same. You know, he's Mexican. He, five foot eight, brown hair. I go, this guy's fucking white. You stupid.

Yeah. But he's gone now. He's gone now. Now the mule's coming. You would call him stupid. And then I would call him that night and tell him to meet him at the fountain down by the university of fucking Arizona State down there. Walk to the fountain.

But I can't. It's raining. Go to the fountain. He's gonna meet you at the fountain Would you ever go like a real deep like but don't take your car they could see you take a bus Oh I would no no I took him the nose murky ones Okay listen I was there when Coco said that he had the yellow Peruvian gold Okay and Bobby you can hear Bobby oh my god I haven't had that forever

It's a Peruvian gold all right and Bobby I'll put it outside I'll put it in your mouth in an envelope for you. All right. I'll be right there. All right. Have that goddamn money. Don't fuck around this time, Bobby.

Don't fuck them. Don't fucking. And they'd hang up. And we'd sit there for three hours left. I would have, I would have, I would have three coat dealers on the hook at one time.

And I would torture two. Would just get tort. Like if they said to me, I'm going to leave it in my mailbox, oh, you just doomed yourself. because that comes to a thousand stories. And by the way, this is exactly how he does it. Whenever we're doing, like, a lot of edibles or something like that,

he'll call me starting two nights before, tell Paula the Satermothers. Do you have your interest? I don't want to find you on the floor. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. I'm saving that acid to crack him. When he sees this acid, I'm waiting for the fucking.

Perfect night. You almost give me a panic attack on Wednesday, by the way. That's why I took a lift here, by the way. I never do that anymore. I took a lift here because he had tortured me for about 36 hours, and I was convinced that it was the strongest, most potent in the world, and I was going to freak out. Did you take a lift home that night?

I had to. My car wasn't here. So funny. So talk to me about this fucking thing. Vegas thing. Man, it's great. We're at Harris. How many weekends a month? At first, it's going to be four. I'm starting next week, and I go for four weeks. So four weeks straight here in Vegas? Yeah. Yeah. It's just Thursday, Friday, Saturday. At one show at 10 o'clock, it's the best show in, I mean, in Vegas. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, 10 o'clock.

That means you can go out, have dinner, okay, at a reasonable time. You can get some drinks in you, come see me. You're done at 1130. And that's perfect. That's when Vegas starts rocking. You know, it's so much fun. So they go right from you to fucking blame blackjack. Fuck, yeah.

I'll be out there with them. These guys are Harris. I mean, Harris is a Caesar's property. They give me chips to go. out and gamble with. I'm going to be on the $5 chip. That's fucking cool.

You know, these guys are really, really spending a lot of dough. They're giving away trips. We ought to do one on here, bro. You know, you love your fucking fans. The church people, I love them. Why don't we send a couple of them out there

to Vegas? Whatever you want, brother. Dude, dude, let me get it together. Church members, listen up. We're going to fucking get a, thing together where you listen to Coco, all right, and my brother Lee, and I will fly

you to Vegas, wherever you are, Canada to, wherever the fuck you are, I'll fly you to Vegas on me, we'll put you up, you come do the show, all right, maybe we can get some of those stars or something, I don't know, we'll work something out, okay? All right,

so I'm talking to you guys like D in Colorado, Noble, Darren Noble, I love him, and my man Uki, spooky, I love him, I love that guy. Tami Winkler. That's my girl and shit. She's bad.

She's everywhere. Let's give some shoutouts. That's why you mention it and shit. Paulo Ophoglo. Louis Hector. Jesse Lindquist. Dom De Niro. My brother,

M. A. M.A. insider. Oh, that's a good one. The fucking Spanish German. Leon Vega. There she is. Tammy Winkler,

a.k. Luke spooky. Julian Thomas. And Horning. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for always. doing your thing

our friend Bobby Sharon had the cold today or the flu so everybody's got the fucking cold something man well yeah I told him to get well he put something up there no this is good

you're in Vegas for four weeks straight yeah man everything slows down for a while and then where do you go for two weeks after that I'm going those two weeks I've got a weekend in Canada

at two casinos Calgary and Winnipeg and then I think I got a week off. And then I'm back at Harris for a couple weeks and then I go to... A couple more weeks for the row? Yeah. And then I go to Australia. I'm in Australia for two weeks.

And you come back to Harris? Yep. Go right back to Harris. This is how many weeks all together? 28. Nice. 28 weeks. And, you know, the deal that's throwing at me is phenomenal.

You know, I mean, I can't ask for anything better. A suite that's bigger than than any apartment that we've ever had. Are you going to stay there all the weekend? No. I'll stay there Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

I get the fuck out. Dude, I'm like, I'm taking a page out of Dr. Coco's book. Sunday is for my house, my family. I either got to go see my dog or I got to come see my kids or something, you know.

I can't be in Vegas more than three days in a row. It's Crazyville. It's tough for, especially when you, like buffets. I love buffets. If I live there, if I live there, you hate buffets? Yes, I'm going to do you a favor. Lee, any food you're eating at a buffet,

somebody did not want that food. They picked something else besides that. That's disgusting. Think about that. They're all breathing on it. They got AIDS. They got those little plastic. Stop. Stop. They don't stop AIDS. That's Coco. He knows.

That don't stop AIDS. AIDS jumps right out. It does. Bha. I know. I have a lot. I love buffets. I miss a Chinese buffets from back east. I'll have it out here. Good. You're lucky. You're too fat to do

that. You can't do that. I love that. And that's why. But I love it. If I lived in Vegas, I'd go every day. No, you wouldn't. That's disgusting. I wouldn't let you. I eat. I love disgusting food. What do you mean? What do you eat? Everything bad. Everything bad?

Yeah, I love it. And that's, that's... Seriously? Yeah, I love burgers. and not at buffets, but, like, like, what I have,

like, a buffets are, like Asian food, like dumplings, Chinese food. I hate breakfast buffets. I think breakfast, buffets are a waste of time.

I like brunch. Why? You can make eggs are $8, and they always charge like $30 for breakfast. Dude, let me tell you what's something,

Lee, because you're young, you don't know. Blow jobs and Egg Benedicts are exactly the same. You can only get them in hotels. Okay? All right,

that's it. All right? You can't get them. nowhere else. All right. I'm telling you, that's what you want, man.

That ex Benedict is the fucking what's up. I'm excited that you're taking a breather. I'm just going to check. And you'll come back here on Wednesdays or on Sunday.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll be doing a lot of Los Angeles press, you know, so I'll be coming in in those off days and stuff. And, you know,

maybe I can come in here and hang out with you guys. I love it. I love it. You know, even if you got, you got other guests, I just want to hang out

with you. You're still drive by gone when you come to town? Every time. Every time I'm going to do it tonight. Does it remind you? It does. It keeps me humble. You know, as I look, I remember where I fell in front of my house where you thought,

Ralphie, get up. They're going to think I mugged you. Ralphie, get the fuck up. You got to get up. They're going to think I, they're going to take me into jail, Ralphie. About a month ago, fucking something happened. There was a lot of traffic on Laurel Canyon, so I went the long way. It was like 1.30 in the morning.

And I shot up that. street I parked under that tree and it was pretty for like 10 minutes man it was like I was waiting for you yeah it was like for fucking five minutes I just thought about Ricky and I thought about Gavin I thought about yeah Celine and the fucking sisters from Houston I thought about Doug Stanhope and yeah crazy buddy who had the apartment originally his yeah Matt Matt Becker and just how many years we were down there walking around? What about that neighborhood, man?

I mean, Dougie was there, Mitch Hedberg was there, you were there. I mean, everybody was in that neighborhood, man. Apollo, Josh Wolfe. Yeah. There's a great little neighborhood, man. And you've got to see it now. It's like, you know, there used to be that hotel on the corner. Right.

On Vista. Was that Hooker Hotel, right? It was like a dead Hooker Hotel. I remember making a turn one day and seeing. a the pool and it was fucking algae

with cigarettes in and there was a condom floating I don't forget looking up and there was a mom with three kids and a husband

and there were tourists you know like when they sent them the picture the hotel the pool and they were fucking I remember going

what a waste to come to fucking California there but they used to be a print shop They're on the corner then Charlie Chan printing. Yeah.

I gave that motherfucker millions of dollars in the beginning from printing the resumes to headshots. Head shots. Head shots to cut them. Charlie Chan. Charlie Chan. They used to be this kid. I don't know how the fuck I met him. It was right around the time of the longest yard when weed was starting to percolate.

And he just popped out of somewhere. He had this weed that killed Lincoln, fucking Louis-Doh. Pastaure. This week was fucking herbium. He was a Dallas cowboy thing. Dallas cowboy tattoo on his head. And he would always give me weed, like sell me weed, but it was fucking high-powered.

And he was a guy that got so fucked up in L.A. one night that he went out with his friends, noted a bunch of blow, took a pill, didn't even go down the plane and woke up in fucking Florida. And they called his parents and they put him to rehab for six months. In Florida? Did they even let him leave Florida?

Like something weird, man. Like it was just... The story was amazing. I forget what the fuck. His name was. I can't believe he just came into my mind right fucking now. Wow. Weird situation.

We met some fucking characters down there, man. That was... That was a long fucking time. Listen, next week I'll be here 20 fucking years. Wow. 20 fucking years. On February 19th, on my 54 birthday, I'll be a regular at the store 20 fucking years. Wow.

Wow. I never did nothing. You know what I? Yeah, right. Just to be at the, and dog the whole time. I'm at 18? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah, you were here right after me. You came right after. Oh, my God. 18. God, damn, Coco. It don't seem like it's been that long. Marcy. You had the manager that had the cancer.

One foot in the grave, another one banana pill, Ralph. You got to sign with Jamie Monson. Yeah. Okay, Coco, let's go. Fuck. You cracked me with that one. I was a nice kid. My manager, Ben, when I first got here, she signed me in San Antonio, during the Latino Life Festival. They fucked up

and let me go first and I got a standing O. All right. So she signed me on the spot. Come out here and within a week and a half, two weeks, I found out she's got terminal cancer. All right. All right. That's almost something that happened to me.

Okay. All right. She had terminal cancer. My whole reason being out here. I've already said, fuck everybody in Houston. Fuck you. I'm going to L.A. suck my dick. And now my manager's fucking dying. All right. But she had you, she had Monique Marquez or somebody.

Yeah, she had Medina. Yeah, Joey Medina. She was a little kind of fucking dirty, right? One day I had a call from her, and she goes, listen to me. I just got off the phone with these casting people at CBS. I had done Dick at that time. I had done the pilot for CBS and maybe basketball, maybe not. She called me.

At that time, I was getting. tormented by people i was at ken phillips yeah okay and i was getting tormented by weird things like weird oh my god weird offers in those days there was a guy that went to the comedy store every night to torment a bunch of comedians and i was one of them and he had a company that booked extras and he would come to the comedy store go what are you doing tomorrow i'm gonna put you in a lea like he would come around while they were shooting titanic i moved here when they was shooting Titanic. Everybody had a job for you in the Titanic.

They had four different casting people, sending 50 people a day down to Rosary to Mexico to work on the Titanic. You would go to a place, they'd take a picture of you, within an hour. You were in a fucking van taking you to the Rosaryana

that had the ship there, parked, they put you on there, and you didn't know you were going to be union, you might not be nine. You were in Titanic? No, no, no, no. was the big ticket sell. Okay. When I got here, so if you wanted to get to be in a movie,

you'd go to Rosary to Mexico, and they cashed you for the day. Remember at the end, they had all those violin plays and all those. There was thousands of people on that fucking boat, or at least it looked like it, you know what I'm saying? That was the hot job. Every fucking backstage,

everybody could get you an extra job on the Titanic. But this specific company would be at the store every night tormenting me. Listen, you could be in the movie tomorrow. What if the director likes you and the upgrade, it gives you a line, you know? Come on down tomorrow morning, take a head of a Polaroid. What I need to pull?

And then I would question. Why? What are you? If you already told me I got the part, yeah, tomorrow, I get it for you. They just need a Polaroid to see what size shirt you are. What the fuck? It's going to cost you $40. So in those days, you were getting $35 a day.

Or something fucking crazy. Like you were getting like $75. a day or something and you had to pay him $30 or something crazy that's no fucking deal you know there were a lot of those guys but you get to spend all day in a bus to Mexico yeah but I wasn't going to Mexico some people fell for that fucking trick what why you want to go to Mexico no I'll get you an extra Titanic too so I get a call from her I'm salivating the mouth

for a role to fucking because they didn't like me as a stand-up comic and there was a hot show at the time I forget what the fuck the show was and she called me one day and she was telling me her father on the Latin quarter yeah he knew Cuban people

and the whole thing and she goes I really like it I like to work with you I got a she goes usually when a manager signs you don't have a job for you I got a job you're going to make $10,000 on or some shit she goes they want to meet

week we this afternoon sign with me come to my office sign with me i'll send you right to the audition and i was like you know what send me on the audition and then we'll talk what the fuck there's no trustee and she was like no you got to come down and sign the paperwork and i thought that was something kinky and then a week later ralphi came up to me yeah he's like she's dying what are you think i'm like you know what say la be bitch go sign with her factory she's dead and buried this He's got one foot in the grave, another little bit, had a pill. What are you doing, Ralph?

Is she putting any money in your pocket? You know, at that time, the Laugh Factory was the hottest club in L.A. Hands down. The hot club, the improv was hot on Mondays and trendy on Thursdays. Right. When I mean hot, I mean that if you had a set at the Laugh Factory, three nights in a row, something was going to happen. You either got an agent.

Yeah. You got an audition. You got a commercial. That's how the first three roles, It was just industry. All the time. All the time. I can't tell you how many auditions I got just from doing Monday nights.

Yeah. Gilbert Escobal show. How many auditions? How many Paul? That was a great show. On Monday nights, when that genre was very hot, that was the hottest show in L.A. It was. Pablo, Carlos.

Deadly. And Willie going in there every Monday. And then Paul Rodriguez. George Lopez would go in there. George Lopez were going there. Paul Rodriguez. It was really a fucking deadly Monday there. It was the hottest Monday night.

Then they had Freaky Monday, and that got really hot. That was the John Rett the Impro. And that was a great night because they put white dudes up until about 8.35. Then about 835, they put like a mixed guy up. Like somebody confused a white dude with an Afro or somebody. They would put Dave Attell up. He would kill that motherfucker and they would start black night. He would.

David Tell would go up there on those Monday nights and sizzle that fucking room. Blow it up. Blow that fucking room up. Oh, I believe that. I was laughing at the white guy with the Afro. No, there's always something, that spot, that 835 spot, they always reserved for somebody who was trying to be a little on the rubs side because then the black show started.

So why did they call it freak? What did they call it Freaky Night? Freaky Monday. Why? That's just, it was freaks. The hot chicks were there. People were ordering that. That's where all that bottle service, it started all that shit of Freaky Monday.

Yeah. And fucking they incorporated Miami everywhere else, but freaky, I'm not saying there's a city. I'm saying there's an improv. Right. I'm saying there's an improv. That was the first club to really have Monday nights. And then Monday night at the laugh factory was Latino night.

Bang it. Monday night's sold out. Sold out. Monday at the comedy store is an open mic. 52 people. Yeah. That's how different it was then. Yeah.

The improv was packed. The comedy store had nobody. Comedy store was nobody on Monday night. 50 fucking people. Watch that microphone. Okay. Because none will slip out and shit Oh really?

Okay You'll be cool No one you're cool brother Yeah in those days There was a complete different Tuesday nights The main room at the comedy store It was 500 people

The original room had eight people Tops Yeah Tops I remember leaving like the bars To walk over there To do the spot Because you need it there

15 bucks But there was guaranteed eight people Wednesday night 64 Thursday night 110 or it was sold out on Thursday night and then Friday and Saturday was sold out. But it was always dead, the comedy store.

Now it's completely different. Now it's only the place to go. It's the only place to go. The improv and the Laugh Factory is dead. So that's how it changes. It's not that the club is better now. The club was a prior was there. Yeah.

But they've gone through some years. It was rough at the comedy store. Man. So they turned the way. all those nights we went up there trying to do our and get our 15 fucking dollars and then like Eddie Griffin come in and do an hour and a half and then Andrew do an hour and a half and then somebody else Paul Mooney were doing an hour it was rough to be a comic up there and you had you know you wanted to try material no you want to try material let's be honest you needed the 15 fucking

dollars we needed it you count on that 15 fucking dollars yeah they pay Hey, Jerry, two weeks. It was like, if you got the main room in three spots, you were okay. I mean, you weren't going to pay the rent with that. No, but it was nice. But it kept in Chinese food and reefer and yin-yng, that ching-ching you took me to Chin-chan. Yeah. It wasn't bad, man.

It's pretty interesting how we, you know, Green Tea House. The Green Tea House. And Hoy's Walk. You know, before the podcast started, Ralphie and I were talking about how many people we had been out here with. We were talking about what they were doing now. It's pretty funny how we weren't to say nothing bad about them. We were just talking about the situation that the only reason we're in this position here is because we stayed here.

Yeah. This isn't no genius fucking move. Just outlast to everybody else. That's it. That was it. We just, is it tough skin? Is it, what is it? We just stuck it out.

We just believed in the dream and stayed and things happen. Ralphie's been kicking ass with 12 fucking years, you know. But this is the podcast with Lee, the whole thing. This is 20 years in the making. You know what I'm saying? Without a doubt. We were doing this without the cameras and the Internet. 20 years ago.

At night, after the comedy store, until 4 in the morning every night. Oh, my God. Drinking bloody marries, Lee. And I was you getting fucked. up on new drugs all the time. It was awesome. I can only imagine it's a... Four in the morning.

Lee, how long you know me? How many nights have you seen me in all those years of four in the morning? The only time is when we woke up to get an early fight. That's it. We had never two four of the morning. We'd be up till four. We'd be up till four.

Listening to music, giggling, talking about fucking comedy and the politics economy and... Set my hair on fire. And who he had worked with. It's It seemed like such a long time ago But it really wasn't, bro.

Isn't it crazy? It's weird, Coco. I mean, 20 years God damn it, man. When you got here And when you were skinny And you were showing your dick On Doug Stanhope's fucking door with the picture,

okay? Did you fucking know that you would be here for 20 fucking years? No. At that time, at that time when I was doing that and acting that way and having a great time and doing blow and hanging out with the stripper chick, I thought I would last three, four years up here. Yeah. How close did he get to move back? Like, did you ever seriously think about it or how?

When I got into that last fucking tussle with the stripper, that first fucking tussle with the stripper, that, fucked my head up for a month or two. I got on a plane and went right to Miami for like five weeks. And he paid me like 500 bucks a week and I bought clothes again and I bought a black bag and I bought

t-shirts and underwear. I mean, I had to start from fucking scratch guy. Yeah. I had to start from fucking scratch. Where was all your stuff? I got towed in the apartment. Oh, that was that one. The apartment got towed. I couldn't get into the trunk. The fucking headshot.

the boxing gloves the frisbee I got a lot of your clothes out but all the good no no there was nobody got nothing out that motherfucker they had that car on the high patrol and shit dude they did they had that car there was no way they were even let me go in the fucking trunk I begged them at that police station guys you could keep the car I'm done I understand but at least let me take my shit on nope They caught me while I was taking a shower and all my shit was in the car I was taking a fucking shower with a girl's house and Van Nuys.

The tickets were from Hollywood. And I went out and the car was fucking gone. I knew. I knew they were going to clip it any day. And in those days, I'd always take my big bag of clothes in with me. But that particular day, I just went in just take the little set of clothes and they got me in fucking Van Nuys.

And that was the end of that car. with all that shit. And then her and I got into a fucking, a blow-up. And I'll never forget I threw a fucking ribby at her on the street. She maced me and I threw something out of her. The tooth. And then she threw a roll of pennies out of me. And I'll never forget that once she got in a car,

and I said to myself, I just threw a pot roast at her or something. Like an uncooked that was marinated, that we were driving went in the car. I said, you know what? This relationship has to fuck him. And I called Joe Chadwick in Miami. And I got on to give me the American Express number.

And I got a plane thick and I went to Miami for like five weeks. And there was a, what's that fucking store that the clothes are real cheap. T.J. Max? Whoa. Even cheaper. Marshals. Old Navy. They had an Old Navy in Coconut Grove.

that had winter clothes for dollars because who buys winter clothes? I would go to Miami in January and they would buy winter jackets for January for two weeks. There would be three, five, fucking six bucks. I have a brand new banging fucking jacket for the winter on the road. You know, shit like that. I just bought clothes in there. It was, I came back. I stayed on Ralphie's floor.

on the couch come on the couch the couch the floor john westling we made westlake sleep on the floor all right the big guys got comfortable spots but when lee this is the truth when we couldn't sleep we we you know we're all talking it's a studio apartment and just get quiet then joe diaz and fart and then like giggle and then we'd start laughing and fucking so whatever else from far we couldn't get no sleep so go go goes

put on that Joy Medina album and we put on his comedy album oh my god it had it was it was a bootleg a show of his and we never made it past five minutes we were all out no you did not I swear to God every time it was the wrong joke in the morning

it was like how far did you get How far did you get? How part did you get? That shit got magic fucking powers. Oh, my God. We never got past six minutes. How many comics friends go to like insane asylums or like I can't imagine being

a friend of the guys are brutal? Like listening to someone's like they're like a year or more of their hard work and you're like I'm going to sleep in six minutes? This is better than a long time. We're dicks. but it's the truth that's what he did if it was it better to lie

or it's it better to tell the truth I tell the truth all right I love it I'm just saying I'll tell you what man Ralphie I wish you all the luck in Vegas I'm happy at doing this thank you sir

you down a little bit you've been on the road a long fucking time a long time man a lot of miles a lot of miles you got nothing to prove theaters in I mean

small arenas comedy clubs crushing it it's nice you went to Vegas you take a little breathy you get some sun you breed some desert air yeah man yeah you know it's like yeah you know

I get to I get to work out I get a steady thing going you know I'll be in just two time zones a week not not six like we were in December okay you know

I'll just be in my house or in Vegas and it's like that that's the greatest that's the greatest I mean it don't get much better in that you always you can't wait to travel this one day you know what

this fucking one hour and a half before the flight shit's getting fucking old you know what I'm saying yeah man it gets fucking yeah today we were thinking that all right well man let me read these things

and we'll get you to fuck out of you you I know you got to do radio tomorrow I love you no I love you too I'm happy you came on, you know, I'm happy you came on tonight. Man, you're fucking

fans, dude. They're great people. They're so nice. I don't even call them a fan number one. They're fucking family. They show up. They're gentlemen. The fucking clubs even say. They're so gentlemen. They come in stone to the gills and they fucking... They order tons of food. They get

cut and they drink. This is why I do this. They're so good. The odd day, I got, Lee, you would have died. I almost sent you to that. Look him to... I told you, look him to sponsorship, you know, this and media and this, and it's all bullshit, because I don't want nobody fucking with these people. Yeah.

Do you know what I'm saying? If anybody's going to fuck with them, it's going to be me. Let me fuck with my own people. I love these guys. They know they get up early and I play music. I have a good time, man. I would have done it anyway. You got to say put something out there for them to get motivated.

You put a periscope tape out. I get fucked up on periscope in the morning. You know, man, listen. It's an outlet now that we don't have to fucking wait to pitch something. Yeah, right. That's it. Those days are done. You feel like doing something, do it.

Do it. Do it. Who gives a fuck what you're saying on this? Do it. That's it. If you start with three people, eventually you're going to get four. Eventually you're going to get eight and you're going to get 12. And now what, bitch?

Yeah. Now what? I got 12 people watching me now for a week. You're going to get 13, but you keep doing it. And one day you'll get right up to 38. And you know, I don't even know how the fuck that happened. the attack no you keep fucking doing nobody's special here bro

we just believed in that dream and kept doing it we hung in there fuck yeah cocoa we just kept showing up bitch that's more than half the fucking battle of life show the fuck up you know I mean when when people wouldn't show up

who got their spots me and Coco because we were there early we had no spots we were getting them and smoking weed out back on the steps like doctors when you're broke you get to that spot early fuck yeah you do you get to that spot early it's like that fucking first line in the in the pulper girlies village oh how come nobody keeps me waiting when they're looking to borrow that's my favorite fucking line that movie damn that's a good movie anyway I've been that me on these has been on the

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by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Again, ZipRecruiter.com slash church. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash church. One more time, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash church. All right, do me a favor. Go post jobs on ZipRecruiter right now for free. free. I want to thank Audit. I want to thank me on these, and I

want to thank ZipRecruiter, but most of all, I want to thank my brother Ralphie May for stopping it. Thank you so much, Coco. You know, I hope you guys support. It's a pleasure, man. Listen, man, if you haven't gone to Vegas, I'll tell you what. You look at his calendar,

you pick a date, you go on the hotel thing, Lee will fucking help you. You pick a cheap fucking hotel, whatever you need to do to get there. You know, from time to time you deserve a break. They got great deals in Vegas. They got fucking great deals if you look for those things.

Harris is a really, it's a nice hotel that's reasonable. And the thing I like about Harris is it's right on that rail line. I think I'm almost positive even in Harris. Yeah. So that means the MGM. It's connected to the entire strip. You go for a couple days. You see Ralph, you get a massage, you take your wife.

You come on her titty. You got a nice fucking dinner. But there's a fuck. You only live once. Like I said, Ralph, you'll be there. How many weeks? Coco, it's going to be 28 weeks this year. This is what I'm talking about people.

You got 28 fucking weeks to fly in and make a weekend. You church people, y'all come up to me. You tell me you're part of the church of what's happening now. And guess what? We're taking pictures and hanging out. I'm probably hitting you up for a number. All right, so don't come empty-handed, Jack. Let's go.

I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget I'm in Nashville next week. Fuck yes. And I don't know what's going to happen with the flapist thing for the taping for the cat special because they put me on the gung show by mistake. So I don't even know if we're doing that tonight, but I'll tweet and you come on Thursday night, all right? And that's basically it. Ralphie starts where this weekend?

I'll be in Harris in Las Vegas right there on the strip. What's the day? Thursday, what? The 26, Thursday, Thursday, 26, Friday 27th. and Saturday 28th at 10 o'clock. January 29th was my first pinched, 1984. No, really? January, 1983.

I got pinched. Was that the jewelry job? No, possession of some tools and shit. Mr. Holloway bailed me out. Yeah. You know how we do. What's up, Lisa, you're going through changes again? I am.

You know why? Why? Because you don't train. I did go. Oh, my God. You're fucking lying. The reason why I'm bugging out is because Ralphie said that they give you chips when you go.

Yeah. That's like my dream. Where? Harris. Harris. Yeah. Well, you come, Lee. You're going to be part of church weekend.

Ralphie. I'll be there every day. We'll see if we can get Cocoa to go out there and maybe we'll make a big thing of it. Me, you bring the girls if they want to come. I get, I get spa, so I'll send Terry to the spa like a doctor. All right? We'll go down there and get massages and get steams and shit like that. That's the best.

It's better than you. All right. And we do that. And we go to Vegas, having fun. We bring some church people in. You know, my man Darren Noble wants to come out. Those fools, dude, all my friends are out watching us right now. On Twitter's blowing up.

Oh, shit. They love us. I love them. They can't do nothing about it. I love these people, too. I know. It's like, if we can't fucking have fun with our fans that are friends of ours, then what the fuck are we doing this for, you know?

It's like, you see those comics? who tried a big time of everybody. It's like, what the fuck are you doing, man? These are the people that love you that pay your fucking bills. It's a fucking nightmare. It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes you know how I keep them going under.

Hit it, Lee. Come up. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. And don't forget Uncle Joey, Ralphie Mae, and Lisa, I love you. We'll see you, Motherfuckers Wednesday night. Same bad time. Same bad channel.

Thank you.