The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #450 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: January 26, 2017

Eleanor Kerrigan, Comedian and co-host of the "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first three meals free and free shipping! Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/25/2017.


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Oh, shit. You know what time it is and Bob Marley's in the neighborhood. You're a mom. It's the church of what's happening now. Lee Syatt, Eleanor Kerrig. and your uncle Joey Dears Kick it, Lee. I want the speakers to blow up, Lee.

I want the computer to blow up. I want you to press fucking death. This is loud as it goes. Oh, shit. There you go, cock suckers. So we're gonna walk. Oh, shit, it's Thursday. Smooth than the motherfucker that Bob Marley.

What's happening, you sexy motherfuckers? Oh, my God. Welcome to the podcast, Kingdom. of debt, Lee Syatt, my favorite Jewish person in the world. Hello, Shalom. Eleanor Kerrigan and your uncle Joey D is here on a beautiful Wednesday night

in Los Angeles. I don't know what's happening? Nothing. I'm excited to be here. Sexy Bob Marley, bringing us in. We were talking about fucking affairs, like having like, you know, we were talking about the difference of walking into a closet and bump it into a victim and her licking your nutsack

and you're going one way and her going the other. And then you refuse her on Facebook or she didn't even make the, you know, you're a professional. And then you have the people who start a complete different family. And then at the end, you know, we're talking about how the, you're never going to leave your wife. Right. And women will look you in the face and I'm telling you, because I had a friend like that. He was going to leave his wife.

He was going to leave his wife. He was going to leave his wife. You know what happened? They got drunk and they killed a couple together. Oh, Jesus. She didn't go to jail. He went to jail. And guess what?

When she got home, she found that she was pregnant. So she had to move to Florida. He's living around here. out of jail riding a bicycle because they won't get him a license I was gonna just say he took his license for this life and the next one he can't even drive a chariot

if he comes back Chinese they won't even let him drive a rickshaw he's on bicycles for the rest of his life unfucking believable all for killing a family you lose your license for life two people two people in a car when you're drunk

oh he I see get out of that one yeah drinking and driving got you got you got you I thought you got them down at six in the morning you know whoa so that's tough that's tough and she used to tell me stories that they'd be fucking and the ex-wife would be banging on the door let me in i know she's in there you motherfucker i have two girls with you and he would keep fucking a drilling her and shit oh she loved it they love it they love it why do people love the excitement of the the secret the big secret i don't get it i don't know

that's fucked i know the last five years of my cocaine use. It was basically I got high from going to get it. Right. Sneak. I get it. Yeah, that's true. Like, I was one of the last people who got a medical marijuana license. I didn't believe in it. I'm still old school. I like going to the guy's house and driving home with it in the trunk. And nobody knows nothing, you know.

I always like that. That's the intrigue of it. It makes you feel dirty. Yeah. That's part of the whole thing going into a room. When you're a regular fucking nerd, if you buy weed and you walk into the room and the sun's an anarchy in there, you're at the right place. Yeah. nerd. You leave there like, this is okay. See, that's why I like weed stores, is because I never once, I never once bought

weed from a dealer. It scares the shit out. I know I'm going to go to the undercover cop. I'm going to get stuff laced with something. So I like it. That's paranoid. Yeah, yeah. That's welcome to my life. It's more fun that way. Well, that's how, you know, I came up getting out of a car in Harlem.

First of all, you had to go to Harlem. We got weed in Jersey. First of all, you had to go to Harlem. And then once you got the fucking Harlem, You had a parking front, you know, down the block, do it right. Like, I go to the weed store here, and there's people double parking front. I was asking them, real down the window, would you park in front of your drug dealers? No, don't bring attention to this place.

Yeah. Go 50 yards down, you fucking amateur. I agree. With hazards on in front of the fucking weed store. Go down the corner, stupid. Let's just wear a sign. It was all part of it. And I'd have Eleanor on the car waiting for me.

And I'd walk into a pool hall. You pressed a buzzer, and you walked in. The guy had ten different types of weed on the table. and you took two or three bags and you got in your car. Now, we're professionals. Amateurs go right back over the bridge, not us. We go on the west side highway. We get off on like 57th Street, and we stay on 12th Avenue, and we stop.

We got a hot dog. While we eat the hot dog, you're rolling a number. You get out of the car, we smoke the number. We eat some fucking tic-tacks. We place some cologne on you, so nobody knows nothing. And you have the Lincoln Tunnel. Beautiful. And you come back with you weed, and you had a night out already.

Yeah. That's it. You already got a hot dog. Yeah, it's dinner and a movie. You're going to be fucking air. Yeah. So that was the whole part of it. That's, you're not only getting the weed, but you're also bringing it over the state.

You're going through a tunnel. There was that suspense. You know, when I went on, when I went on to 135th to get the Coke, I could have bought Coke in Jersey. But come, let me tell you something. When I was 21, I was like people that are 40 now, you know, it was illusion like this, you know, in L.A., if you live in L.A., they want you to, uh, People come to you and go, this painter's phenomenal.

He painted, you know, Missy Shore's house. Oh. He's, you know, Dennis Quaid's dentist, you know. So we used to go into the city, and it was basically $20 cheaper, but you still had to pay for the toll and gas. And there was a little danger of maybe getting shot or robbed. Or a chase or something exciting. But where we went, they were cool Colombian dudes, and they took us into their little disc attack, and to have cock fighting. And then we go on the, it was a disc attack.

But in the daytime, they had cock fighting. And they'd sweep the floors. During the daytime? During the daytime. So we'd go over in the afternoon to get caught. Why go over there at night and compete with everybody else? You're right. Now the cops are looking for you.

We go over in the afternoon, sightseeing. What are you doing on the 131st Street? We got fucking lost, officer. We wanted to see Harlem. We wanted to see MLK Boulevard, and we made a fucking right. This guy don't know how to drive. He's Puerto Rican, I'm sorry.

And the cop will let you go. You know what I'm saying? Because the first thing they got to ask you is why are you over here on a hundred thirty-fifth. Absolutely. Did you ever have anxiety like I was talking about? Never. Never. Never.

Never. It was my world. I love all that shit. If you got laced, I thought that was like a bonus. That's a bonus if you get laced. Isn't it? I don't know. You can't talk to me.

You only have a better story if it got laced. At 12, at 12, I was getting ready for my bar mitzvah and I was having play dates and Joey was doing acid and whatever he was doing. You gave me anxiety just saying at 12 you had play dates. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck. What's a play date? When somebody comes over and you play with it? Maybe maybe 12 is too old for a play date.

I don't know. Maybe I was having sleepovers then. Maybe I upgraded to the sleepover. But still, I wasn't fucking, I hadn't even had a sip of alcohol. I don't think. I probably at most had some like Manashevitz Jewish wine. That's terrible.

That's all I had. There's no way. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong. No, that's beautiful. Listen, there was two different societies. Yeah. Oh my gosh.

It was two different, you know, I'm looking at this Trump today, and I'm looking at a caveman. I'm looking at a guy that's 60, but he's really 100. Yeah, he don't look good. Yeah, he's out. No, no, it's not that he don't look good. It's that parts of him are out of touch, and I understand where he's going with some of this. You know, I get it, you know, and, but it's like he's 60 or whatever. I don't know.

I think he's 70. I think he's 70, but he's really 100. I was 50 when I was 30. Like I already had the old man mentality Like I was already a fucking old man when I was 30 By 30 I had done it all already I got divorced I went to prison I got married I had a kid

You know I was done already I was done already So I already you know I got crabs My heart got broken You know my heart got broken 4 times You know what I'm saying So by the time you're 30 already You're like all right

Now I know how to play this motherfucker Field now you know what I'm gonna go for mine now For 10 years you're nicey nice Everybody's really nice and shit but you know sometimes people's thinking is fucking a little older he's thinking other thing i don't fucking know i just think he looks like he's in over his head i mean wouldn't we all be it's you think it's going to be this cakewalk it's not i think it was leon vaga who said something today that was pretty interesting because uh for the first time we got a guy that's

doing everything he said maybe it's not because he's a politician you know yeah it's a little food for thought, you know, he's doing everything he said he was going to do, so maybe, uh, that's scary. Yeah, it's scary. That he's doing everything he said he's going to do. Oh my God.

The fucking, the fucking states with the refugees, they're shit themselves. Oh, man, I can't. They're shitting themselves. People are panicking right now. Everybody's panicking right now. You know, they signed that fucking immigrant

act. I'm not even an immigrant and I think I'm, I'm worried. He's going to build a fucking wall so he can build jobs and shit. And that's going to build that wall and milk it. I'm boiling potatoes. It's going to be union of fucking labor.

He's going to milk. How long does that wall going to fucking be? They said it's like 2,000 miles. Like that's how long the border is. But then, like, I was watching something. There is a wall in some parts. And then other parts. It's like a river.

It looks like a gate. Because Freddie is in El Paso. It was Brady Soto. So when we went there, he showed me. There's like holes in the gate. I mean, there is a gate. It's not really. There should be something.

How crazy is that when you looked up. When you go to El Paso, you look left. It's fucking beautiful. And swat is this right there. And you look right and it looks like, it's like Shanis Lee. It's like it's poor.

Right there. Right there in front of you. Right there. Right fucking there. You sit there. You're like, Jesus Christ. That big of a difference.

That's weird. People are on top of each other. I mean, I haven't been to El Paso in 10 years. I don't know what Mexico looks like today. So I'm out of touch. But San Diego? You could see Mexico from San Diego?

What's the border there? What's the famous one? Everybody went to. Tijuana. Tijuana. Because me and my little sister, we were driving to La Jolla, this was years ago. Driving to La Jolla, we went too far. And I was like, damn, this neighborhood got bad fast.

This is San Diego. There's a bad name. And we were at the fucking border. It was right there. I did a one night or one night down there. And it was one of those shows that's supposed to start at 8, but it started at 930 because of a Laker game. Yeah. So it was already going to be a 2 o'clock fucking night to me.

You know what I'm saying? We didn't finish that show to like one. And when I pulled out of there, it was like fucking Harlem in 1968. It was fucking scary, though. I made that left. I don't know what the name of that town is. There's a name. It's not San Diego.

It's a little town with switches. It's fucking scary. It really is scary. The guys, I am petrified in Mexico. I went to Mexico one day. I'm in El Paso, and that was enough for me. I knew I didn't belong there. I knew that a guy like me could get into a lot of trouble there.

There's no reason for me to be down there. Because what am I going to do? I'm going to, it's not like I'm going to go to Mexico to sightseer the cultural spots. Yeah, I'm going to go get some fucking food. Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm going to walk the street vendors, but come on. Come on. You know, I'm going to think I'm cute and go get 2,000 volumes.

Oh, yeah. For three pennies a piece and try to smuggle on a little. But that's how they used to party? But that's how everybody did it. I can't. I can't. So many people did that. I went down to the one by El Paso.

And I got to tell you. I've been to a lot of bad places. I just knew it wasn't for me. And forget about nighttime. Yeah. This was daytime, nice on the Saturday at 11 in the morning. Real easy. We ate.

My friend bought a leather jacket. The comic I was working with. I bought a leather jacket. And that was enough for me. It's so weird. Like, it's, I didn't grow up. Like, I grew up like upper middle class probably. But the town I grew up in was very similar to the people that, like Trump.

Like, it's very rich. White. Yeah. The most white. But it's weird. Like growing up in that town and then coming out here and dating someone from Englewood, I knew in my head that places like that existed. But until you go there, you really don't.

Even though you know it. So, like, with this stuff, it's like, like you were saying with Trump, he's an 100-year-old and a 70-year-old. body. He knows that there's poor people. Sure. But he, I don't even, it's ignoring, but it's, I don't even know if he can really wrap his head around what that means to, to be that poor. Yeah. Like a lot of people where I grew up voted for him, which is fine. I don't care who you vote for, but they were like, he's one of us. And I'm like, he wouldn't even drive through our neighborhood to get to the airport. What are you talking about? He's not one of us. He's never been to where we're from. He's never been

down in South Philly, just hanging out in the streets. You know, the closest he got was the debates. Oh, they didn't do that, though. That was Hillary Clinton that went and did the DNC. He didn't do Philly. I really don't know much about the guy, like, except for my contact as a kid. I watched that thing, and he had, he was the owner of the USFL. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Like, you know, like I told somebody one time, you know, he's always doing something. If you do 30 things, you're going to fail at 10 of them. Yeah. You can't hold that against somebody when people would say, well, your hotel went bankrupt, your college went bankrupt. But look at all the things that did stay open. You know, there's got to be some value in that. I don't know if it qualifies to be an American fucking president. Right, right, right, right.

But I think that people just got so sick of, you know, whoever voted for him is sick of what's going on. I agree. Agree. Yes. He got to them with key words. Something very interesting. You know, I know that there's a lot of Middle Eastern people who listen to this and Muslims, and you know, I love you, I fuck around, I crack stupid jokes.

But let me tell you something, man. You know what was one of the destructions of Miami in a smaller scale? Mario Boatlift. I'm Cuban and very proud to be Cuban. But as a Cuban American, and if you ask the people in Miami who lived there at that time period, to be honest with you, the Mario Boatlift was one of the ones. worst things that happen to that state. And even in my hometown, West New York, there was a battle for two or three years these animals were battling. And what people don't understand is they

were animals. Yeah. I hate to say this about anybody. He emptied the prisons. He emptied the prisons. He emptied mental health places, but he emptied the prisons where they put you in there. And there's no feeding schedule. They feed you. There's no showers. There's no TV. You know, Sometimes he'll come in with a loaf of bread at four fucking guys. You know, it's a loaf of bread between four years. Figure it out, bitch. You know, and he brought him into Miami. You know, so today I heard some guys saying that on the news that a Jewish guy was saying that the Syrians,

there's no proof that they're involved in any terrorism whatsoever, you know. But I think even like the Cuban Mario Boat Harbor situation. should have been, but they didn't know. So now they should know. Well, but I thought that the Boat Harbor, they did that intentionally. They emptied the prisons. They were like, okay, you want to go?

Goodbye. Here, take these. And they sent the prisoners. It was fucking, you know, and it's amazing. Because there was no internet then. Right. So nobody who knew what was really going on. About six years ago, I got invited to do a,

what's fucking your boy's Spanish friend? Domera has a Cuban friend that he's been tight with for 50 years. there he's an actor he did all the Miami vices and all the bad boys good guy he turned me onto a guy can't think of his name I called me and he goes I cannot send you the script it's this but he goes I'll meet you at this coffee shop where do you live I met him at the hunger at Roma where fucking the line is out the door and he goes I'll leave it with you there and I'll sit at the other table and write and read it and let me know what you think this

script like usually I read four pages dog and I'm like I'll read this later. This motherfucking script, I didn't put it down to like page 68. And by that time, I had wiped tears from my eyes. And it was about what really happened during the Marial Harbor that we didn't know about. Like, there was international pirates. I'm not international pirates. There was like you would come to, like any other fucking thing.

Like what the Chinese people do? You would come to me and go. I go, Eleanor. Eleanor, do me a favor. I don't know. I don't know how to ask you this. You're my only friend. And then you have a boat.

Can we get on your boat right now and go to Cuba and pick up my grandmother like shit like that? And then on the way back, people would stop us, pull the grandmother off, shoot you and say, give us $50,000 for your grandma. I mean, it was fucking horrid. Like this was, and I go, how did you get? I go, listen, first of all, I cannot give you a whatever on this because I don't know any about this. He goes, neither to you nor three quarter of a million people knew that this even existed because there was no interest. because there was no internet. Right, right.

There was no internet. These stories only, you know, like in the 80s, there was a time, Lee, if you lived in Coral Gables, you could wake up, go outside just to thank God and look over by the ocean, and there'd be a keel or a bag of cocaine in the ocean. That's ready for you to steal. Like, that was just part of it.

Or you could just fucking see 20 bags of weed in your little fucking canal there. This was just occupational hazard. It was happening in Aspen, Colorado, where they were finding bears dead and a duffel bag, eating. They would eat the Coke. They would drop the fucking duffel bag from a plane. Three Puerto Ricans are supposed to pick it up. They didn't read the compass right, but fucking smoking the bears walking around mining his own business.

He gets hit in the head with a duffel bag. He goes, hmm, what's in the duffel bag? He takes a big chunk out of that motherfucker to rip it open, and what do you think is in there? 98% cocaine. I think I saw that scene in narcos. The eyes of a heart attack. And all of a sudden they find a bear next to the blow three days there. They had those all the fucking time.

That is crazy. So I don't, I don't, like I said, you know, I just, when I read that script, it fucked with me for a couple of days. Oh, I bet. I was like, this is, this was fucked up. Nobody. And in Scarface, they show you when they're interviewing him. And they already had intel on what was going on, who was coming in. The Cubans weren't saying nothing.

They were telling them. Remember he beats up Manolo? He goes, why are they taking you? What did you tell him? Because I told him that you, I was in a psychiatrist. What's that line? Oh, that's it said. Jesus Christ.

And it ends up, you should have told him you were a horse. Yeah, right, right. Oh, fuck. I can't remember how it goes. Lee, put on Scarface bus seat. Stephen Bauer. He's a good friend of mine. He's the sweetest guy.

Oh, you're kidding. I'll text them. I know he's around here somewhere. I just don't know exactly. Right there. Right there. Right there on the corner. With the girlfriend.

Yeah. With the Bimbet and the fucking dogs. My really good friend used to be his assistant. And so she would bring him to my shows a couple of years ago. He's out of his friends. He's fucking great, though. He's out of his mind. He's fucking funny, man.

I ran into Sebastian Manuscalco, and I was with him. And he goes, is that? Manolo? You know? And I go, yeah. And I go, you know me in the 80 stars. Listen to me. I had him and Angel Salazar.

Oh, no. And studio up there. And they're fun. And Lee Syatt was purple when Angel would just get up and go do a blast. He would just get up and go do a blast, Andrew. Come back and he was a different person. Here you go right here. Right here.

Uh-oh, let's see. Yeah, Sanitarium. That's what he says to him. That's what he says. Yeah. But it's so accurate how they depicted this. Well, except that they put non-Cubans on the bus. Well, none of these people are Cubans.

Exactly. Only one Cuban, there's 80 people. Right. I was in sanitation. Stephen's not even Cuban. Yeah. Didn't go for it. I thought he was Colombia.

Yeah. I told you to tell him you was in a sanitary. Not sanitation. Sanitary, yeah. You didn't tell me. I told you to say you had TB and you was in a sanitary. You was cured. And you was cured.

When did you tell me that? Come on. You should have kept your mind. I'm out shot anymore. They thought you was a horse and now you are. Doug, this movie, when you put Scrodez-N-Holl, it becomes a comedy now. This is a fucking comedy. Right here, hit this one.

This is another one that he fucking kills you with this. He kills you. How do you? Antonio Bontana. And you? What you call your son? Jesus Christ. Look at him.

So good. And my father, he was, uh, from United States. Just like you, you know. He was a Yankee. I used to take me a lot of the movies, you know. Jesus, Chris. Watch the guys like Hoffie Bogart,

James Kagme. That teaches me to talk. I like that. I always know one day I'm coming here, United States. Listen, Doug, I saw this February 1st, 1984. Oh, wow. At the Seacucus Harmon Cove,

at the matinee. and it was sold the fuck out. We had to sit. In Seacoccus. In Seac caucus. Right off a plane, my friends... I'm in the middle of the weeds. Listen to me.

My friends took me right off the Newark fucking place. You see that old guy right there? That's sitting over there? Mm-hmm. I did a movie with him in 19... No, in 2007, when I got off to cocaine. And we became friends. He's an old Irish guy.

He was in Dog Day afternoon. Oh, yeah, yeah. His name was John Sump. I think he's dead now because they put him in that sag home. up there but me and john ran for like six or seven months maybe a year after that i'd pick him up on wednesday and take him to church he refused to go down to san an monica church because i don't want to fucking be sitting there with gay people oh that was my favorite church and he would he would go to the one on sunset sacred heart sacred sacrament but every time i'd take him there on wednesday's

there was a lot of chinese people we couldn't figure it out we'd go every wednesday and we finally figured out packeye went there for lunch oh wow for the lunch time that's the mass for the no priest. They just put an album on. On a Wednesday? Because they used to do Latin. I've been to the Latin Mass there. I've not been to the Latin Mass there. Yeah, they have a, I think they're 10 o'clock on Sundays as Latin.

That's by accident once. It's so funny how, you know, you watch all this shit. Like, this isn't a fucking joke. But I meant that you were right, they didn't cast any Cubans, but I meant the actual situation how it happened, you know, them coming in, how they got in the country and stuff

like that. That was pretty accurate. Yeah. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was, they interrogated you. And some people got like Angel Salazar and Stephen Bauer, the bass player from Ozzy. Oh, um.

They came over with the, they're going to a church. Rudy Charzo. So they just moved you around. So Rudy grew up in North Bergen. Rudy grew up in West New York by me, and he graduated high school memorial. But then they would move you again to wherever they need the Cubans. Oh. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't know. And Angel Salazar, too. He came over on like a bus. plan or something where you go to New York and then they take you to my aunt. Angel went somewhere before New York. Yeah. They took them somewhere before New York, you know.

Yeah. He was in Atlantic City and somehow met my brother Billy who you met. The kid is what they call him. And then I saw Angel years later go, your brother's Billy, the kid. I was like, oh shit. You know what the sad thing is?

It's so nervous. I have no idea about my history. Your history? Yeah, like I can't. Oh, Cuban. No, no, no, no, no. I'm completely inaccurate on my shit. Your family? Like, it was my uncle who told me that I was born in Cuba. Got it. Okay. I just found this out. That you were? That you were? No. Oh, that you were were? No, I thought I was born in New York City for 20 fucking years. Yes, I did. I thought you always said you were born in Cuba. And then my uncle was like, what are you talking about? You were born in Cuba. He goes, I was there when you came over. Your mom had a pay some people on the plane and him, you and your dad came over, and they got a New York

City birth certificate from a Jewish because my dad knew some Jews in the Lower East Side. When he came from Cuba, he was young. My uncle fucking spilled the beans in 84 and told me some fucked up shit. It was like a week from hell. It was like somebody telling you everything that you thought. He's the one that told me. He goes, did you ever know why your mom had an alias? And I go, no, I didn't fucking know.

I never even thought to ask. She murdered a guy that was raping his sister at a dance. Because she was 16. He had a white. She goes, he goes, I still remember being at home and her. And I said, my other sister leaving. And I always noticed while I was growing up that those two sisters were always tight. They even look like each other.

That's not murder, by the way. That's justice. But they still looked at my mom. So my mom had to leave overnight and like a raft. And they took her to Chicago, and then she went to New York. And then she met a Puerto Rico. family. So when she went back to Cuba, she took the name of the Puerto Rican chick's mom, Sophia Cecilia.

Okay. So my mother's bar was under the name of Sophia Cecilia. But there was a problem. She paid social security to Sophia Cecilia. So when I died, when my mother died, I got no social security because my mom was the Nora Valdez. Do you understand me? So I didn't know all this shit until fucking 1984 was a week of meetings. Are you serious? That's awful. That's right after you graduated high school, right?

Two years afterward. And I just came out here. I needed to see family. I go, let me go out there and see my uncle and hang out with him. It was a week of torture. The week ended with us pulling pieces on each other on fucking Vermont Boulevard. Is it Vermont? It's the last street all the way down there.

Not Vermont. Take it is Vermont or whatever the fuck. Yeah, close. I had to take a cab, and he called the cops. Virgil, Vermont, all that, yeah. He has a Mexican bar down the wall the way down there. What tough? Western.

Western. It's the last street before. And I came out there. That's where we had the shootout. And one day I got a ticket for having a phone out. In Hollywood, my wife goes, don't go on the 110. Go on that street. I don't know what it was.

Yeah, it was fucking Vermont. But take it all the way to Western and hook a left down there. And there's a left that takes you right into City Hall or right into where you go for your tickets and shit. And when I was at the left, I looked up and the bar was still there. And I go, this motherfucker is still alive. Even though I lived here and I wanted to kill him, I never went over there all those years. I had an out. I said, if I ever fail here on the way out, I'll go shoot him, then take the plane to Colorado.

I'll go chop up my wife and then take another plane in the jersey and fucking snort to the cops come get me. You know what I was saying? I was just going to go deep. Mom is a little boy. Oh, fuck yeah. So I thought about it. At that point, I didn't talk to them for like 25 fucking years. Wow.

And that's the first time. I didn't say nothing. Then I got an audition for a movie. And I had to go up to Pacific Coast Highway. And I was driving the long way. And I stopped. And I go, I've been here before. But what the fuck?

And I walked out there and I stopped the car. I go, when the fuck was I here? Is this, Joey, is this a dream? And I fuck it. It was 2009. And I picked up the phone. I called my uncle. I apologize. And he fucking was excited. And we hooked up for years. Now we haven't talked for two years again.

Now we're mad at each other. My cousin fucked it all up. But nobody's going to call nobody to apologize. So fuck these off. My wife is the one that told him all to go fuck themselves. My wife finally said, let me ask you guys the question. So you're mad at me or Coco. That's fine. But this little girl loves you, motherfuckers.

This is the game you're going to play? Now you're coming. I don't like when they just played shitty fucking whatever. So my wife was the one. I said, you know what? You're absolutely right. Fuck the motherfuckers and shit. Yeah.

I got a sister-in-law, she had argues with her parents, whatever, but they never stop putting the kids, never stop seeing the kids. Does that make sense? Like, she's like, oh, I fucking, I want to flip out on my mom. But she lets the kids go there, see them, she drops them off, go hang out. Never take it out on the kids. It's not fair. If the adults fight, the adults fight, shit happens. But never the kids.

That's fucked up. What's up, Lisa? I was so, I was like, no, I'm great. I was thinking about this today. It was, were you guys excited to leave home when you left home? Like, was it? To move out? Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn't wait to move out.

And I was, it's not, I had, I have a great family, but even my extended family. But there was a lot of fighting. And we never really super got along, like, was some point. parts of it. And I was always, I was happy to not have to go to that anymore. But now that it's been like six years, I kind of miss it a little bit. Even with the fighting, even with all that. Sure. Because it's what you knew. You grew up in. Yeah. I wasn't, I wouldn't say excited. I guess I was excited to try something different. But I moved out of my mom's right to L.A. So I didn't leave and stay in Philly, you know. If I would have moved out and only moved to like a

nicer place in Philly. I don't know. Maybe things would have went different. As a kid, I traveled. I never did. I traveled. My mom, how'd you get to do that? My mom, my mom liked traveling. So every summer for sure, we went to Miami and every Christmas to Puerto Rico. That was always a given. Sometimes I go to Miami and then once my uncle came to visit me, then my uncle said, you're more than welcome to come out. My mom was like, I'm not getting on that plane. So, I would fly by myself to LA. He'd pick me up. I'd stay out here for a week.

In those days, they treated you like a soldier. It was a regular flight, but they put you in first class close to the stewardess. They'd give you wings, a coloring book, a hat, a fucking pair of drums, wings. They gave you everything. And then you got off the plane first. Now you get off the plane last. And they give you a bunch of paperwork, like you're a fucking farm prison. Oh, yeah, because everything's on high alert.

And everything has to be in first class, like this little girl. I flew with what's his name? Eminem's manager's daughter flew with me. Okay. And I was talking down on the plane, and she was telling me how hard it was for her to fly. Like, my parents have to be at the terminal before the plane takes off and check in. Something just fucking ridiculous. Like, it was just crazy.

But I would fly out here every summer, and then Miami for two, three weeks. And then my mother would come down and get me, and we'd all fly back together. I'm so jealous of you. No, man. My mom dug it. I drove to Michigan when I was in California. kid. Shut up.

I used to take a bus to the Jersey Shore by myself when I was in kid. The Jersey Shore, we did that. I used to take a bus to the city, like nothing in those days, you know. I went to Florida. My first trip, I was 18 on a plane. We went for senior week, and it was just me and a bunch of girls that got kicked out of school, not the ones that graduated with me that I was supposed to be hanging with. But so we all went to Fort Lauderdale.

Oh, that was killer. And then my friend, my best friend, Melissa, she got to. a little attached to this little Cuban kid she wanted to bring him home he was 12 I'm like where are we going with this kid she was feeding him lobster I'm like this is getting uncomfortable and I used to go to Virginia Beach when I was in high school there was a plane to Virginia Beach for 22 dollars what and you flew from Newark to Virginia Beach the hotel was 18 I'm telling you I did that twice time man yeah man I like traveling and then once I got in high school and became a criminal I was taking planes.

I was leaving town every four weeks. You know what I'm saying? I was always leaving town. But as a criminal, how can you leave? I mean, what do you mean? I would front a kilo. I would rob somebody's house. They'd be looking for me.

That was already included in the price of my thought of the robbery. There better be 200, 100 in there for a plane ticket. Where? I don't know. I'll decide when I get to the airport, because in those days, you could pay cash at the airport. No fucking problem. Easily. So I could go to the airport.

Look where the flight's going. Excuse me, I like the 1040 flight to Los Angeles. Can I see identification? Are you going to pay for this diners club? Fuck no. Diner's club? Yeah, cash. That's a real card, huh?

Yeah, yeah. But it used to be more popular back then. Diner's Club, American Express, Visa. Maybe not. Then Discover came. They were like Johnny Come Lately's. I don't like Discover. Me neither.

They're going to show with Cash. No, whatever takes Discover. That's what my mom said. Oh, I took them to the clue. Those Cox said. I'm on the fucking Discover's top 10 list They'll never fall Oh, I fuck Discover over

They made a mistake and sent me checks Before the credit cards Shut up Those blank checks Really They would send you like three blank checks To really tempt torment you That's the last thing you send the Coke Fiend

Is three checks and more of those visa companies Because the bank don't give a fuck And now you can't Of course now you can't do anything The check cash in place would cash it we had identification and they call the bank and Saturday who's close you know I can't call this cover okay we'll give you this discover

yeah now they got 24 hour goddamn people fucking one night I'm sitting at broke my little girlfriend with that hot little monkey sitting at the boss surrounded by dudes and shit she's sitting next to a little Korean chick I am flat broke there's nobody to rob I'm out of jewelry I got nothing dog I got fucking nothing

I'm sitting there and I said man in that move I took a box of those discovered checks let me see if I still got them I went over there they were there I ripped it less and I took one for 200 I go wait a second 200 you're gonna walk out nice you might as well dance Jesus Christ joy I took it and filled out for a G-Bowleroo and I took it to my local bank you go I fucking went in there when she when she asked me how do I want it and I told all nothing but bennies nothing but Benjamin Franklin's I could believe I drove out of their leave. For 20 minutes I kept looking behind me. I took the cops

are somewhere. It was un-fucking believable. I shut up at the bar like Johnny Gumbar. I know everybody didn't. Give me a martini. Give her a martini. Give them a drink. Give them a drink. Give them all a drink. Throwing hundreds down and the little chicks like, oh, look who it is. Forget about it. You know, all right.

And then Monday morning, 901. This is Bank of Fucking Boulder. Can we speak to Jose? I'm right here. Listen, you got about 15 minutes to show with that G. Bo LaRue, you're over fucking your account. You couldn't even... She goes, we don't even know how they cashed that.

Well, that's your problem. Goodbye. Click. What? And I hung up the fucking phone. He's right, though. But I already had my car payment. I was three down. I had a fucking...

Every night I had to come home and hide my car in the trees and weeds and put explosives around the car and fucking glass. They're a repo man. You have no idea. You have no fucking idea. And then I was going to a nugget game and I got hit on Black Ice. And I twisted the rim. I go down there, the rim is fucking $2,000 per rim.

This dummy that was on the show last week, Mike Kester works on an accurate place. I go, Mike, leave the keys in the car. I'm going to go, you know how many times I robbed that accurate fucking place? That's a real place. And they were blaming an employee. One day I went and took the whole glass off, walked in there and took the cash box and went home. Mike was like, it was only $300 dollars. I go, in those days for me, the rent was four.

So I showed up with two. I took 100, bought a half gram, some Adam cheese, and some freshly squeezed oranges for money. You know how we do? You got to cover the spread constantly in my world. They might have invented security cameras for Joey Diaz. I definitely believe that. Un-fucking believable. And I used to sit at night after comedy in those days, I would go to the supermarket, which was King Supers.

And I would buy a piece of Adam cheese. I would buy those nice crackers. the cheese with the red package around it and you get your knife and you cut that fucking thing off. I didn't even have a knife. I would just stick my fucking Eleanor T. And buy it across the,

Siglania Weaver. Right? I would fucking eat those. Singania. I would get a piece of cheese and a container of freshly squeezed oranges and I go to the Acura dealership and sit there and just watch the cars go by

and look at the new Accurias. In fact, one not a cop pulled it. And so what are you doing? I go, I'm sitting here fucking eating the piece of cheese looking at the cars. He goes, you know what, what do you think of that car? Me and the cop started talking. We became friends. Shut up.

20, 30 minutes with chit-chat. He didn't know I was casing the joint. He had no idea. And that's not a weird response. What are you doing here? I'm eating cheese and looking at cars? That seems like... And the cop was cool. He just sat and talking. Yeah, it's one in the morning.

They sit there. They call for backup just in case I was a look at. I ain't a look at. I look at, I look like I look out to you. I'm just sitting eating a piece of cheese. looking at the fucking labels. Do you think it's harder to be a criminal now than it was back then? Yeah, I wouldn't even try. There's nothing you could do. I mean, you've got to be so tech savvy to be a goddamn criminal today.

It's not the tech savvy I'm worried about. What do you mean? The cameras everywhere. There's a camera everywhere. There's a camera everywhere. And if I tell you, we're going to get to a point that they know already right now. They already know. If you have a smartphone, they're not even telling you.

Forget the smartphone. Oh, no. If I'm a fucking going to do something bad, there ain't no phone. I already know that. Good. This is a tracking device. So right now, if I smack you in the fucking mouth over by Lancashireman and 50th Street here. It'll show up on ways.

And I take your money and try to grab your tail, I throw you on the floor. Right? Mm-hmm. They can't find me. They're going to find me within 20 minutes because they're going to press a button. And there's a satellite that's been watching that particular location. They're going to get a picture of me. They're going to show the general public a different picture from a bodega, but they're going to cover their asses.

But they're going to have the, I know they have the technology already. They're not sharing them. I hear that's how they did in New York. New York, you go to Times Square within two minutes. They know you're there. They know name, date, or birth, what you did, what are you owe, what cards you didn't fucking use last year, everything. I heard the airlines too.

As soon as you call the fucking airlines, plop, you fucking everything comes up. Do you use ways the app thing? No, I don't know. Okay, so it's just like a quicker ways they'll give you to get around. Driving here, they were like, there's an accident. 2.2 miles ahead. There's somebody pulled over to the side. Somebody ran out of gas.

There's a traffic light with a camera. If I can tell you everything that's the whole time. I'm like, holy shit. This is a complete tracking device. Because it's hooked up to whatever you're saying. It's watching all of us every second. It's impossible to be a criminal. Well, I did.

You have to be invisible. The stupid criminal things I did would all be on camera. Yeah. I wouldn't even know what to do. I couldn't go in an office. You can't rob a business because every business has visible cameras.

It's like those cops getting caught at that weed store. These dummies went in there and tried to rob didn't know that they got invisible cameras everywhere. Everywhere. The cameras you see, they're working, but they're decors. They're working. You're going to go up to something and spray paint them. You could spray paint those motherfuckers all you.

want because there's 50 more those fucking things and they got you from every fucking angle and if not you have to assume yeah if you're not assuming so you have to go into those places with a fucking mask so wait I have to do all this work they could do what rob is 7-Eleven a bank there's no way now they can they could follow you with the traffic cameras from 7-Eleven to your house like they could it's like the night of did you watch that show oh man that's great when they followed that you believe that Nothing won, which is a real fucking shame.

Oh, Titoro, that's my heart. You know, oh, man, he's great. I'd say you tried to rob big-time drug dealers. That's the only occupation I could do is set up drug dealers. Or just con people out of money, because that's... That's the second thing. There's always a sucker every guy. Yeah, there's always...

That's scary. My mom was sending money to... She read this thing about this Indian reservation, and she felt bad. Her white guilt kicked in. and they still, she sent like $10, you know, and they send her every month new ones. We have, oh, this happened on the reservation today. Can you send, I'm like, are you really serious praying on these old women? I mean, I'm sure they do it to all people.

They do it to all people. Old people. Oh, they go after them quick. Sick. Yeah. I got to come up with a good scam because I need money. You know. Got any ideas?

I have tons of ideas. I mean, selling Coke is obsolete. It has money in it, but you've got to be on your belly to sell it, so you got to be out of the fucking house. No, but you still got to be out. You got to be out. On your belly means you've got to be out

there. Fucking belly. No, I hear what you're saying, but you got to be... You can't, you know, yeah, I could send Lee, you know, but I just made Lee a partner. When I lived in Aspen, I had a dude named Carl Hall, my brother, until this day, even though he's little butts, he's my brother, I miss him, I still laugh at his fucking jokes. Listen, man, that kid would come to me and say, give me a half-ounce in 50s.

I don't know what I'd charge him. And we did this from July to November. I could give him 10 grams of Coke and packages bended up and he cut a deal with me right out of the bed. I'm taking a gram off the top and 50 bucks. Take it because I'm still going to make this amount and this is going to go. He would come back three times and one night. Nobody's so cooked like this kid. That's amazing.

He was from the South. And he knew how to part of him, man. Come on, let's do a fucking blast. Yeah, I got more of this. I know the motherfucker who processed this shit. And he, damn, give me 50 bucks. He just fucking banged people out. He was the best salesman I ever saw.

Redneck kid. It's amazing. Hossler. He was hilarious. And he'd pick up chicks every night. Every night he had a different woman. He lived in employee housing. What kind of housing?

Employee housing. That's where you work. a hotel. Let's say you move from here, the Snowmass Village, and you got a job of security in a hotel, they're all for you. You want to employ a house? So you live in a four-bedroom apartment, you know. You have to share it with other people. You share the kitchen, the bathroom, and the living space with other people. Yeah, I've heard of that. But it's just, you know, 75 a week compared to paying $1,200. And it's a pretty good start. They take it right out of your check. You don't even know what's going. I live in the fucking employer housing. When I was security

yet the crest would like a motherfucker. Where's that? The crest with a snowmast village. That's how I know about it. I can't believe you work security. Yeah, right. I would night security from five to one. I'm the guy.

I'm the midnight common. Yeah, that was me. I'm the guy. I'm the midnight commandant. I would work. I would work five to one. Okay. Five nights a week.

I had to wear a green shirt. it with beige pants. They gave me the jacket. Do you have like a stick? No stick. Flashlights. A walkie-talkie. Security was basically how to check the jacuzis,

turn them all off. Make sure the gym was closed. Make sure the laundry room was open. Make sure there was wood out for people to light their fires. I had to walk around the buildings twice. But the primary job was picking people up at the airport.

I'd have three or four runs. And it's supposed to take you 10 minutes, it took me two hours. That's how I did. I did 10 miles an hour like I fucking. Did a couple stops in the way. I would stop at the holiday inn and get a fucking cocktail. I knew where to buy a great. I knew when I first got that security job, I still knew what to get quailudes.

So I would take the van up to Aspen. The people would be calling, where are you? I'm making a loop right now. And I'd still be in Aspen. Come on, bro. I'd be up at those fucking quailutes. That's what I was going to say. Like, what about the people you were picking up?

They'd have to wait. They were the best people in the world, and I could tell them a story. I could tell them the car spun out. I used to tell them how to walkie. I remember there was no GPS, Lee. Okay, complete different world, Lee. So let's say they would say to me, a guy is landing at 750. Okay?

That means he's landing at 750, and he's got to get his luggage and walk down and his skis. That's a 35-fuck-a-minute, 40-minute hike, because you got to wait for. for luggage and then you got to wait for the big things and everybody brings skis. Yeah. Okay? So I knew that I was good till 8.30, 840. So I would leave there at 7 and I would do 150 miles an hour of Aspen. I'm sorry about the water bottles.

I would go to the In-N-N-Out restaurant way before In-N-N-O-Burger and all this other punk shit. Yeah. In-N-Out was a sandwich shop owned by a... Oh, wow. Really? That was the name of it? The original, it was owned by a dude that's now still a restaurateur up there. And a friend of mine from Buffalo who still comes to my shows today.

This is 1985. And this kid still comes to my shows today. That's amazing. My dog, oh, what the fuck was? Hercules and his dog, Kali, were Gumbas. She was a female. She was a wolf. He would come to the house, and the two dogs would fucking play.

He had a wolf. But I fucking bumped into Steve Chavon. You don't know how for how many years. I thought about that kid. Steve Chavoney. He was one of the best kids I haven't met my... I mean, I'd just been fresh out in New York City.

I'm in this new city with my buddy Jimmy Berkel, who, God rest his soul. He was my Gumba, my guardian angel. And he had a girlfriend. So on the weekends, I'd be lonely. And I'd go to the In-N-N-Out place. It was open till like fucking nine.

And that's the first place I ever taste of a sandwich with sprouts. I almost vomited right there. And they're both laughing because they're both in Buffalo. I would have thrown up. Oh, my God. The first time,

They had some, they had some fucking, what the fuck was, that was the first time I read to say. I grew up in New York, and that was the first time I had a sandwich of Russian dressing on it. They changed one worldly. I don't even know what the rest. They had like turkey, and they even put bacon and avocado in those days and Russian dressing.

It was off the fucking chain. It was a small plate, smaller than this. You had a stick on the stairs. There'd be a line around the corner because it was just going, buy a sandwich. Only you could fit three people in there. Wow. So I became friends with Steve Chavoni around that place was Captain Video. I took him for like 10 G's.

I had a fucking pyramid cocaine scam, right? One of those cocaine... A pyramid cocaine scam. You know, just one of those... One of the 1980s pyramid cocaine scam we'll be all got into. Give me $10,000 at 5 o'clock. Sure. And tomorrow night at 6, I'll bring back fucking 15.

5. That is. And you just didn't bring back 15. And the last time, I got it for a year and a half with him. But the last time, I got a letter from a... wife what happened I was counting we're still waiting we're still waiting the Chrysling full stock is down

wait he told his wife he got involved in a cocaine pyramid scheme oh my god bro I had about nine different people involved in that cocaine scheme come on that's how it works you got it that's how it works listen everybody wants to make money I'm gonna make you scoffice without selling coke how are you gonna do that how much you got another bed 8000 what's it doing

for you nothing I'm gonna put your money to fucking work okay you're putting your money to sleep. I'm going to put your money to work here. I don't want the eight. Give me five to start off. What do I get? 6,500 back when the next day?

So let me get this straight. At 6 o'clock, I'm going to give you $5,000, and the next night you're going to give me $6,500. How does this work? Don't worry how it works. You're going to give it to me, you're not. And after that, the first man who talks, losers, you're either going to give it to me or not.

Don't say a fucking word. You should do it, 10 talks. That right there. You just lost. I'm sorry. Well, when do I have to give you the money? Hello, TikTok. You know what I'm saying?

You want to make Getus? We got to fucking come up with the Getus. Let's go over the bunker Poplar and get this party started. You should. You should do a TED Talk about how to make a curiam. I would go up there. I would go to the internet house. I would park.

I would eat a sandwich, hug those guys, talk to them. They would give me a butterweed. And then I would fucking run across the street in the snow and it was a little chateau hotel. The hotels were the cutest thing you ever saw in your life. How do I know? Because I lived with my ex-wife in there for about a month of that. Before we got into an employee housing.

And that's where I got the album, done with mirrors by Aerosmith. I almost threw it out the window. I was waiting for fucking the biggest album ever and nothing. That's where I listened to that cassette. It's right close to the jail with Ted Bundy, jumped out of the window. I mean, right across, 30 yards. It's probably not there now. and right across from this big lumber type deal.

I lived in that chateau for probably six weeks, man. Wow. But in there, the chateau keeper, not the owner, he sold quailutes. That were made in like Woody Creek by fucking young cocaine chemists. They were giving them to Don Johnson. Who's the writer with the cigarette? Where the Buffalo Roan, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas? That's where he was selling.

in Woody Creek and he would give me four for 20 bucks. They were 10 bucks a piece in those days. Hunter S. Thompson. Hunter S. Times. They were 10 bucks a piece but I told him once. I said, well, how can I give you 10? I was just paying four in New York and that's New York. Yeah. And he goes, all right, I'll give him to you for four. That's how much money. That's slick motherfucker was making.

Jesus Christ. Wow. I've only been that has been once. The comedy festival. 95, I think I did. Jesus Christ. I wasn't in it. I was just there with my first experience. Beyonce. Jesus Christ.

How are the quail lus? He was doing Coke, but I, no, I'm kidding. I didn't get any quailoos. They wouldn't give me any. It was fun, though. It's fucking crazy that place. Beautiful. Too nervous for me.

I don't ski. Is that the same thing? Like the, the adrenaline? Like, how do you pitch someone? They're loan sharking you money for cocaine. Kind of? I don't know. I would go to guys like you.

I know. That's my thing. You're my brother. You're my brother. I know you're for tech. years. You know I've always been kind of kinky, but he's always been cool with me, man. I would go to guys like you. The guy's kid plays with his kid. Yeah, these are the guys I want to make a quick 1500 so you get a girlfriend on the side and get their dick suck without my mom

knowing. You always got to remember. You got to look for the same. You've got a fucking racially profile. Always racially profile. 1500. Wait a second. 1,500. Yeah, okay. And then they'll come to me and go, I want to do it every week. Because that's 6,000 a week. That's 6,000 a month. How would you not want to do that? Yeah, but then you leave at the last one. That's 60, after you made fucking 70 grand, what do you give a fuck?

Yeah. So he took me for 60,500. You're not going to complain. Who gives a fuck? What do you give a fuck? Are you crazy? I guess. I don't know. I've never been involved in a pyramid scheme before.

So get the Kualoo, eat a half of it, and zook to the airport. Oh. And pick the motherfuckers up and take them up. Half a high as a kite. At that time, I built a tolerance for gorilla biscuits by that time. And you're all. is 85. You're being paid right now. You're on duty. Yeah, 12.50,

13 an hour plus tips. All right. I love that you're two hours late and you're going to get a tip. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I get you in every angle. I was getting ski boots and skis. But he had a story. He had a story to tell me. People from Texas, they didn't fuck around in those days. Those were my main customers. When I knew I had Texans coming in, that's when I showed up tip top my goo. With sodas in the car and donuts and welcome to Aspen. How are you? How was your? trip. Where are you from? You're a Yankee? Yeah, I'm a Yankee. What's going on? None.

You're a Dallas Cowboys? Yeah, I'm a da-ba-pa-pah. Next thing you know, you're talking, you're driving. You ski, you want to come ski with me and my family tomorrow? Let's do it. I got family passes. And these guys are just spitting shit out of you because they're on vacation. They just made $200 million last year. Right. That's what it cost to go up there. You know. Easily. The house that I's house at in 1985. Okay. The guy was on the board of TGI Fridays when his daughters came

I got to talk to him and his daughter's like I don't know if you know this he's got 20 of these I said to him I go when I signed on here you guys are supposed to come here all summer I've never met you guys for a year and a half and they're like listen we got one of these

all over the world it was a $3 million house in 1987 we got one of these all over the world in every city name a city go ahead bank Cuc, Tel Aviv, we got a building. That's how much money they had. The girls were, like, in college, to my mother's grave.

I was a Coke fiend. I never talked to them. I never was nothing perverted. That was my job. I had a girlfriend. But here's the beauty of it. To my mother's fucking grave. They would drop in those days at the liquor store, like six girls would come from California.

Okay. And would drop in those days, maybe a thousand in booze. The liquor service would come. The delivery store. would come and just bring them five cases of hard booze, beer, and I would see it. And then a week later, I would go, how much was

that? $1,200, that's what they always spend, every year. They would drink three beers. And they would leave the rest, and I would drink the fucking red. They would leave all of that? They put it in cabinets and lock it, but I had the key to the cabinets. Oh, wow, we would have been selling it. They weren't coming back for a year and a half.

I just, my buddy had the job before me, and he had a two or three years. And I said to him one day, you don't live in the house? And he goes, no. And I go, why? And I go, why? And I go, I live in the quarters. That's what it says on my contract. As soon as he left, I was in that garage for maybe a month before I was like, you know what,

I'm moving on up. I went upstairs to the master bedroom. You should have seen this. Balcony, fucking hawks. What are you going to do when they come back? They would come back once a year. You vacuum and you wash the sheets. You don't know how to make a bed.

You hire fucking somebody. That's what I did. I hired fucking three chicks. I gave him a grandma blow. Start cleaning. No stop for this house is fucking bagged. I was one of those chicks, Lee. Come on, Lee.

Oh, my God. I make a kick-ass bet. That's what people do up there. They have cleaning services. Of course. That's it. People come in and leave. Somebody comes in.

Cleans the house, Picksbach Magoo. Super wealthy. Oh, my God. These people were fucking 435 faraway road. That is the name of it. Okay. And this is in Aspen. This is in Snowmass Village.

I can see how much a house is worth now. Uh-oh. See how much is worth. See if it's even still fucking there. I don't even know where that is. Faraway road. Yeah, it's Aspen, Colorado, down the hill. Okay.

Aspen's the top. And then you have that fucking Independence Pass. Yeah. Where it saves you an hour if you go into Denver. But it's only open from fucking July to September. Oh, okay. Because it's a lane in a half. A lot of people don't like that ride.

Like, I had two tough friends that sat under the fucking, like, they were petrified, yelling, screaming. I'm driving. How much? It's for sale right now. How much? 4.995. Wow.

And it is for sale. The estimated mortgage is $20,000 a month. Is it beat up? Look at the picture. No, it's beautiful. Oh, seven beds, seven baths. Put it on there. Let's see.

Whoa. Oh, yeah. No, this place is rocking dog. Jesus. Oh, my God. You're going to bring back memories. I'm like, cry. There was 12 of us in a three-bedroom row home with one bathroom.

You should have seen this. Fuck that. Oh, no, they redid that. Oh, my God. Whoa. Yeah, they redid that. That's beautiful. Oh, wait a second.

Well, whoa, whoa, oh, they didn't redo you. That's the part Joey would clean up. Let's see, let's see. They left the windows. All the windows were like that, the fireplace. Let's see the rest of the pictures. Cricked that around. Yeah, look at that fucking place.

Shit. Yeah, that was the back there. That was the ski and ski out. You could ski and ski and ski out of it? Yeah. All you had to do was walk over that mountain right there. Boom. And you put your skin,

and it went downhill. It was like stealing. All you had to do was walk 10 yards. Wait until the show of the bedrooms. Oh, my God. But, yeah. Yeah, they redid this. I like that furniture, too.

It's like rough looking. Yeah, they redid this. I wish I was a real girl and knew the decor. Oh, my fucking God. Look at that sled. I would play on that. Oh, my God. I don't think, I don't think those people still own it.

Obviously. I mean, they're selling it. Oh, you mean it's a different... Oh, listen, I haven't been in there in 30 fucking years. I haven't been in there. Yeah, that house got redone. I have not been in there in 30 fucking years officially this last November. 86.

206. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wow. That is fucking beautiful. You have a fireplace in your bedroom? I would be scared to live there, but I would visit. I don't like that. You could take it down with that.

No, that was never there. That was never there. They redid this like a motherfucker. Are you into that? Do you ski? At that time, I did. At that time, when you move up there, you're like, I'm never fucking going to ski. It's too cold and shit.

And you sit there for two months. And this is all people. talk about. I guess if I was around it. From November 25th, from November 15th, the season starts like the Thanksgiving Day. But a week before that, to fucking April 15th, that's what makes the town tick.

Stone Manz really's got who gotts. In the summer, people come and they come for the balloon festival, and they do the tour to France, where people ride their bicycles around a fucking hill, tidly do, and they have that type of shit. And that's back in the day. I don't know they have now. The party spot, you want to get your dick sucked in that day, you went to Aspen. In those days, like now, I can't now. It's like everywhere else in the country. I've sucked

the dick and Aspen. But did you really? But in those days, but in those days, I love you, Eleanor. Aspen was like, like, I don't remember, like, I remember being in a restaurant. Like, the first week I was there, and there was somebody two tables from me. Like somebody fucking, you know, that I growing up in New York City in North Bergen, I never fucking saw some, you When I grew up in North Bergen, I saw Richard Gere. Before I left New York, I saw Richard Gia. I saw the fucking good-looking white kid, the Irish kid that lived in the village and he's dating a friend of mine. In fact, the husband showed up at the comedy store and he's friends with Richie.

And he goes, you know my wife? And I go, yeah, Arianna. I go, what's the name? Because Arianna Alvarez. I go, she used to date in high school. She used to date. The Irish actor. The outside of this.

The outside. Rob Lowe? No. No. Patrick Swayze. Who else is in the outside? I can't think of one person right now. Matt Dillon.

Oh, Matt Dillon. So I saw Matt Dillon. The Irish kid. Matt Dillon would come over and take her to a bar right in my neighborhood. And I would go up there to the cop blown. I'd see him up there at this fucking dive. And I wouldn't say two words. I was too embarrassing.

I was there. I went to ask him the first week I was there. I saw people. I don't remember who. And then I got picked up hitchhiking by Donnelly. I got picked up hitchhiking by John Denver. I got picked up. You know, I bumped into these fucking people.

You would hitchhike. Yeah, because they have a hitching, they have a hitching post. It's allowed. So right outside the hotel where I got the Kualudes, there was a hitching post. You'd sit there and a car would come up and go, and you go, Snowman's Village, get in. How you doing? Joey, Eleanor, what's happening? What do you do?

I don't know. I'm a cop. I'm paying snowman. Oh, no shit. What do you do? All right now I'm trying to go to see MC. At that time, my cover was I was going to Colorado Mountain College. I really was.

I would take fucking six crows. What did I know? I didn't even have a high school diploma on paper. Did you know that? On paper. On paper, I did not have a high school diploma. I lied in those days. Colorado Mountain College, when did you graduate?

You have transcripts, not really. You could apply to North Bergen. Okay, we'll get them on the phone. Okay. When I start class, Tuesday, thank you. Jesus. And I took, the whole time I was there, I took courses at Colorado.

In fact, that's how I became an electrician. Oh, okay. I took a course for residential wine. I would take a stupid course, and I would take like a history course. I would take like a business course or something, like a health and exercise, and I would take like a fucking history class or something.

There you go. It didn't matter. You know, me, I'm a fucking retort. But that always kept me. Busy. And with an excuse. Right. To get out and breathe.

I would get out and I would come back hitchhike. Did you have trouble with the air there? Because I remember. I got there April 30th of 83. and to be honest to you. Like at that time, it took me maybe four weeks to acclimate. And three or four days a week, guys,

I would sleep all fucking day. Yeah, because it was hard. I didn't realize how bad. Especially at that altitude. I went right to snowmast. It's not like I went to Colorado Springs or went to Boulder. We went right up there in the first night.

The Sunday, I told somebody recently, I think I told on the podcast, I fainted the second day in Aspen, smoking a bong. and went down. I remember people doing the oxygen during the... Oh, yeah. Because I was there during the festival,

and they had them on the side of the stages for comics. So they would always do the... I'm thinking of taking my wife and my daughter with the daughter's godfather and his wife. Oh, that's nice. Because he called me the other day, and he goes, hey, man, I got Friday off. Well, there's this place for sale.

No, no. He called me last week, and he goes, hey, man, I got Friday off. Do you want to go to Denver to watch George Mazdi Ville against whatever? I go, you know what, man, I'm going to shoot this thing next week. If I don't have to shoot on Friday, I would think I'd take on a late flight Friday night right out of Burbank. Yeah.

And going over there, there's only two flights direct. You take that late one. You got to go to fucking Utah and San Diego. No, no. And you don't get the fucking Denver until two in the morning or some shit with the fucking Miami sound machine. Is that the computer? Do you still have to take that little commuter? From where?

Well, I guess if you're going to Denver, no, but Aspen. No. They go direct now. Is it? Oh, yeah. We're living in a new plans. Remember that little fucking plane. Oh, that plane was caspin airways, and you fly from there to Denver.

You got to land. And then I remember taking trips to New Jersey. I'd come back. And by the time you land in Denver, there's a foot of snow. And that little plan ain't taken off. You have to sit at the airport all night with a package. And the bars are closed at two. The one night, Illinois, I had my Coke in a locker.

I got about eight ounces in a yellow manila envelope in a locker. And every 10 minutes, I would go, all right, this is the last chunk I'm going to take out of it. And I would go into the men's bathroom, snored up, and go to the bar and drink. And you know how much money I spent on quarters, putting that fucking Coke in and out of the locker that night? How they didn't have me on camera? That's the shit I think about that night. I thought you were doing your laundry.

That's, no, no, no. It was a yellow... It was a yellow manila envelope, and the bar was 30 yards away. And I got to talking to this guy from L.A. I'll never forget that night. There's still nights that I sit and I go, my God, how they didn't catch me. I pulled an all night of an airport and snorted the whole time. Jesus.

Like a fucking animal. Everything tried to jerk off in the men's bathroom, all that type of sickness that I was going through in 80 fucking seven. All that sickness I was going through jerking off in bathrooms and fucking, oh, my God. I feel like this is my life kind of. Oh, yeah, just to let you know what I'm feeling. I love it. This is why I hate writing sometimes. I'm trying to write this book.

You can't write real. You have to write real. You have to write what's true to you. I never really did cocaine, but I will tell you this. I was, when I was with my first ex-fiance, he was doing the cocaine. And I found out, I was doing his laundry, naturally. And I found the little vial. And I was like, what is this?

And I, like, smelled it. Like, what a fucking idiot. Like, that's how naive I was. I was like, and then I went like that and tasted it. Like, all of a sudden, I'm fucking CSI, Eleanor. And I tasted it, my tongue went numb. And when I went in to confront him, I had a completely numb tongue, and I'm screaming. Like, look how fuck it's this.

You know, and I'm like, I think my tongue passed away. That's how fucking strong it was. Why are you tasting it? I don't know. No, no. I don't know. I don't know. I thought like it would, like, tingle or something.

Like, oh, yeah. You know, I'm looking back without the jokes, how this is a. How disappointing was it to see somebody go from zero to 60 to zero? Listen. It's a horrible fucking situation. It's not just somebody. Like for you, it's somebody, but for me, it was literally the somebody. He was the first guy I truly fell in love with, truly thought I could look at him and see our kids.

I could see what they look like. I could see how many there were. All of it. And to watch it go like that and down, never in my life would I. the day I found him in his room and he was with his buddy I thought was like helping him you know what I mean and uh he they both both just graduated or came out of uh betty ford and he um they were shooting up together I did not expect that and they had just come out of Betty for yeah and the and I had no idea what happened and at this point I was like arguing with him I'm like what is wrong with you and I'm like trying to wake him up up and I'm like grabbing him. I'm like, what is fuck is going on? You know, I thought he was getting healthy and I was coming to visit and, you know, like, because I still wanted to be with him. I still wanted to make it work. And I was like shaking him and he wasn't coming out of it.

And I'm like, what the fuck? So I went into the guy and I was like, what did you do? What did you guys do? And then when I went, he wouldn't answer me. He's like, I don't know. I don't know what happened. And then I went back in and I saw his arm. And I was like, fuck. So I realized what they were doing and then I got a baseball bat and I chased the guy out I was fucking hitting things on the way out I was like get the fuck out of here he went flying and then I the only thing I could think to do was to call argus Hamilton and I told him everything that was in the room every single thing I saw and he was like you got you got to get out of there he's gone and he was right I never really technically saw him again thank God he's doing

great right now he's doing really well he has a baby he got him got his shit together but I mean he went really down down and it sucks that that's why I was like I don't think he's the only guy I really would have married sorry Andrew

it's really weird when you see somebody fucking just go down yeah because he had it all I mean he had it all right it takes the I saw it myself but I saw it a lot in other people you see you see a million people go through it But it's brutal. It's, yeah, it took a long time to bounce back from that.

It started going a little crazy. I didn't go crazy. I just thought, all right, I guess I'm not having kids. Fuck it. I'm fucking grateful every day. I don't snort that shit no more. No. How fucking lucky am I.

It doesn't live here anymore. Apparently, though, he would do it recreationally prior to this. and he never really got addicted. And then one of his clients brought him pure-cut cocaine. And once he tried that, that's when the shit hit the fan. Because he couldn't get that high. Not high. He became chasing the dragon, if you will.

Like after he was like trying to do anything that would get him that high. But you can't always get pure-cut cocaine. No. Lisa, aren't you lucky you just eat chocolate and puke from time? time to time. Oh, God. I'm really lucky. I'm lucky that I... Do you still have the star under your tongue? Do you want to know the stallee? Why not? I'm not going to remember this night anyways.

Why? No, I'm fine. Is that why you record this so that you know what happened on the night of? Yeah, eventually. Like 20 years from now, I'll watch this, but... You never have, like, because sometimes I have, like, my big thing is, is fast. fast food and fat being bad with that and sometimes when I feel bad or I'm having a bad day I go back to that I cheat on a diet you never have that with co I know you haven't relapsed but I'm saying I see what you mean for him saying you never have any sort of itch at all that's great what do you do

like what is your thing the first 30 days it was rough the first 30 to 60 days it was rough once I got past New Year's Eve I'll never forget being in San Francisco Rogan Red Band because I was never in New Year's Eve Sonata Oh that was my superstition Yeah oh good good for you I went home I saw something once on New Year's

And I said fuck and I'll never get high again on New Year's Plus I didn't want to be high I had this superstition that maybe this is the year I stopped doing coke And I won't be high at midnight Okay I'm saying towards the last couple of years I would get hired 12.03. But as long as I wasn't hired, midnight, that's all that mattered to me.

That's how fucking retarded and addiction plays with you, you know? But you're absolutely right. And no, right there, like, it took about three months, and all of a sudden I saw something I hadn't seen in years. I saw a bank deposit flip and it had money. It's a big deal. Like it wasn't 21, 20, or. It wasn't minus.

1850 or $3.41.341.3.41 anymore. It was now $318.18. And I was like, that's fucked up. Yeah. And then you, I did the math. And you don't want to know what the numbers were. The numbers were astronomical.

Absolutely. The numbers were so deep that Terry had to take a loan after me for $6.36 a month for six years. that's how buried but I got us and we paid it off in four years thank God Mazel tov. Yeah

but that's how deep it went but the crazy thing was that wasn't the first time yeah like the story I'm telling you about Asman the first time I left I left with some cash because I had jewelry had rubbed and different joints

and a block of hash and fucking I've always been an animal, you know? No, I get it. I love it. Then the second time I left, I left with you know, a half ounce of Coke 3,000 cash and I owed 70.

Like I owed 70. Like I owed somebody like 25. Like there was somebody I owed 25,000. Oh my God. That would call me every two days and go, come on, man. You got to help me out here. You're killing me here type of shit. There were no threats. One lady said some

shit to me. How do you not get Threats. Who are these people? Are they commoners? Like... There were people who had stumbled in the 80s. People like, I don't know, let me give an example. But what I mean commoners, not gangsters. Not gangsters. No, this is, let me describe. Yeah, because...

Who would this be? Somebody like Red Man. Okay. In 1987, a guy like Red Band can make 5Gs a night, selling grams of blow. This was a village. Okay. This was a little village. It was three miles to go down the hill And it was I don't know

Maybe seven something I may be wrong to go into Aspen Okay To hit old snowmash I don't know how long it is either But there's nothing in old snowmass But a gas station at that time Once you got to the village

You were in the village There was the tower There was another bar up there And there was maybe three bars up there They were open And two hotels that had bars You had five places to go Six.

There was a Mexican place that was very kinky. And that's where all the drugs were. That was a reputation. So this kid, this kid that was like, like I just said to you, somebody very commoner. Got into helping somebody out with Coke. I'm next to, you know. They were from Mancato, Minnesota. And about 30 of them had been there.

And a guy and a chick that were not fucking got involved in the drug trade. And let me tell you something, within a year. They had become a filthy rich. They went from being zero to 100. There was so much coke up there at the time. And we've discussed this already on the Rogan podcast where people have contacted me where in 1985, December something, in 1985,

they blew up a guy with a pipe bomb at the Aspen Club. This club, it's like a thousand a week to be a member in that. And he used to always pay people 20 bucks to start his car. The one that he started his car, There was a pipe bomb in there. Right before fucking Christmas, man. They weren't fucking around up there. This was like a major point.

When they're blowing people out with pipe bombs, there were some major league shit. The people who turned me on to Aspen, not the people I went to Aspen with, but the people who turned me on to Aspen turned me on to Aspen because they were moving blow through Aspen. They had a fake carpet place called Far East Treasures. They had one carpet in there,

and it was never open. Far East Treasurer. Yeah, I would call it every day. this microphone. I would call it every fucking day. Where are you at? Answer the fucking phone. You're never open.

They're in the far east. Fucking hysterical. Filarious. But that's, but yeah, that's what I'm saying. You owe these, or whatever,

you borrow money from these people. I mean, I can borrow $10 in my neighborhood without them knocking the next day. This was the weird thing, I don't know. In May of 1987, I was clean and soap.

Okay. And I got a visit from Danny Bianculeau. He calls into the church from time to time. I grew up with the Biancoly. And he goes, I'm coming up to see you. He comes up to see him and he goes, what's going on, Cokes? And he whipped out this bag of Coke that was just beautiful. It's the heyday of cocaine.

This is the hey day of cocaine. It's crystals. It's pink. This shit's coming at you. Your throat would get numb. You wouldn't get speedy. You would get like fucking after a day or two. You started hallucinate.

I mean, this shit was real. Yeah. And what the fuck was that there? What was the guy's name? Biancolo. The Biancolo came out and he shows me this and he's telling me it. Now I'm buying grams of coke

and hit balls for 350. You know, I'm getting railed up there. It's good shit. But. But they won an 1,800 for an ounce. Danny showed up and he goes, I can give me this for 800 an ounce. I said, you know what?

Leave your number on the table Within two weeks, I showed up with that and picked up a fucking a quarter kilo, 12 ounces. Oh, my God. For $9,800. You know how much money of that $9,800 was mine? Zero. Zero. How do you do?

God damn it. I borrowed the whole $9,800 in chunks. Like just different, but I knew the Coke was so good that once I come back, I charge $1,600, and I only take a gram out and put a gram. For $1,600, this cocaine, you'd buy two ounces. right off the bat. All I had to do is come over and give you a blast of this. Give me $1,600 cash. When do you need it right now? So that $3,200 there, by the time I get off the plane, I already have half of it sold, which was you guys' money. So you got your money,

might even that night. I might drop half of your payments off tonight, and then wait until I get more dough the next day and drop off the other two payments. But that whole $9,800,000 plus the plane ticket plus the money how to buy for the suits yeah you know I go by I'm saying how to do the hair you know I was going home you know what I'm saying people say like the hardest thing I like you always hear the people hate self-promotion and you're selling shares of cocaine I don't understand like how crazy is like like you have no you have no uh nervousness or qualms of selling or people And some people I told him, some people I told and some people I didn't tell.

Oh my God. What are you talking about? I just need the envelope, you'll have this much tomorrow. You wouldn't do that to someone? Yes, I would. Oh, my God. Isn't that like an accessory to a, like, um. And I had a guy from a video store.

That's not your business. I had a dude from a video store and his brother. I had these two dudes from a video store from his brother. I had a kid that worked with a pizza place that wanted to be a gangster. So wait a second, I'm Italian. Well, how do that? If I do this, does that mean I'm a gangster? Absolutely.

This kid was like raised in fucking, you know. Did you tell people he was in Wyoming? Oh, no. Historical, the poor kid. They had a pizza place. The pizza place was horrid. And I had this other kid, Cato, that was my dog in those days. Cato.

Everybody has a Cato. He wasn't Chinese. His name was Keith Corn out of fucking Ohio. He was my dog. He knew where all of everything was. Yeah. This was like when I moved to Aspen, God. When you're a fucking junkie, when you're into drugs, you're not going to meet intelligent people.

You're not going to meet bank investors. You meet people the similar type that you are. Sure, we're all attracted to each other. Everybody I met was not a cocaine head, knows that. The first three or four people I met was serious marijuana dudes. Got it. And I looked at the one dude one then. I go, come here for a second.

I go, Cato, do me a favor. From now on, because Cato would buy weed every day, three times a day. Okay. Cato was a maintenance clerk who made a bunch of money. month like in charge of buildings like a lot of people start as a fucking snow shoveler but then the next season nobody comes back so they get they become the manager you could be a

moron and be a manager there in two fucking years he was there for 15 years making 8,000 a fucking year only in ski season it was a scam this guy had a beautiful car because the business owner trust him he wasn't going no way he had investments in the area but cato was a professional

weed dude like I was I loved marijuana that was my number one passion especially Friday nights because I had to watch USA Night Flight there was a show on USA called USA Night Flight and from 9 to 12 was just about music from 12 to 3

they show like a short film and scientist shit and by that time I'd do a couple lines just to keep me away because the TV was so bad you're to work about drugs you love it you're like nerdy about it drugs and bad TV

I know at that time I watched USA Night Flight let me watch USA Nightfly flight. I don't even know what it is. USA was a show that USA your network put on in the very beginning called night flight and what it was was a pop culture show from 9 o'clock

at night to 6 in the morning. It would cover all night Eleanor. What would they talk about? That is a 7 hour show? From 9 to 12 from 9 to 10 they would do an interview with a 9-0 show Jesus. From 9 to 10 they would do an interview with Pat Benatar

and then from 10 to 11 they would show a concert of Pat Medita. Oh, I like that. And then from 11 to 12, they would show her videos and other assorted videos. Then at midnight, some pop culture movie would come on.

Sometimes it would be the song remains the same. Sometimes it would be the Neil Young movie. Sometimes it would be Pink Floyd Live in Pompeii. There was all these little movies. And then at three, it would be like music. news and movie news. This is way before anybody

was doing this shit. No. Like, well, it's not before MTV. No, no. This is, I'm talking, when I was doing this, this is 83. MTV came on the scene, September 81.

So USA was 83. At that time, an Aspen, if you just had a regular TV channel, it was Channel 2, and that was everything. They would show the news and Charles Bronson movies. I swear to my mother's grave When they would show the same two movies

Detwish and the one about his watermelons When he fucking, they stole his watermelons And he shoots the motherfuckers up there in Colorado And I was in heaven Me, I'm like, look, where the fuck that I moved to? I'm living like a doctor here Nobody bothers me, nobody knows I'm a fucking thief Nobody knows nothing

He's just watching Charlie Branson That's it. I got a kid who brings over the refill Sometimes twice a night He would show up with a bag of the best weed, Eleanor, you would ever see. And on the way home, every night, I would go into the supermarket, and I'd buy like a steak, but I'd steal a salami, I'd steal a salami, Ascoma salami to think pack, and I had a lettuce,

and I'd go home and cook the steak and make a salad. Oh, yeah, I'd make a salad with the fucking salami. I put salt and pepper, and I'd doping up with a little blue cheese. Say? Oh, Joey and his recipes. Tremendous. Tremendous. Tremendous.

I could dope up a fucking dead cat if you give me a minute. Wait, just to double check. The salad was lettuce and salami. That's it. And maybe a tomato if I had an extra 52 cents. You know what I'm saying? And I cut the tomato nice. I put it in there, dope up to...

You know how good that fucking blue cheese taste around that fucking tomato when you taste it? With a little pepper rite with a little chunk of blue cheese on the tomato and you bite into both of them at the same time to hit you up, Mola? Are you fucking kidding me or what? Please, I care. What are you doing with some fucking hamage of here? I'm trying to drop the fucking menu of the year on you, bitch.

There has to be a book. What's that? How would you go through an entire bag of weed in like two hours? In those days, that weed would last me two, three nights. But I would have four or five bags of weed, and I had Jimmy. So as soon as I got home, it was 6.30, I was an electrician, and then two nights a week that weeks I went to college. So the other five nights, I was either home and smoking dope with Jimmy.

But Jimmy had a girlfriend who had herpes. What? She was doing. everybody knew she had the herp and she had given him the herb so at once a month it was sitting swell up and shit oh my god did you have your own cops in the apartment oh fuck yeah I could never live with someone who had herpes

why don't be mean I'm not I'm not being it's controllable it is controllable it's funny oh my god and she had a stinky dog she had a dog that was a great yellow lad but he wasn't allowed in the building that we'd get evicted so He had to live in the Jeep.

The dog got evicted from the building? They wouldn't let her. And she didn't have no place to live. She was trying to save money to get a job. And then was Vicki something. I call her Vicki Lane, Lois Lane and shit. They she hated me. It didn't matter.

I used to torment her life. Oh, my God. That's terrible. I'm great. Herfies. Vicki Lane. You know, I think about when people have doubts about leaving somewhere. That was a great question you asked before, Lee.

You know, there's people. Oh, about getting excited to move out? Yeah, there's people who listen to the podcast, and there's people right now who are, like, sitting there going, you know, I'm putting away money to move to Montana or California or back to Jersey or New York, and you're always a little scared. And these stories I'm telling you right now about Colorado in 83, that was the first time I was ever out of New York City.

Yeah. That was the first time I was ever not in Miami. I was in another state by myself. I had a roommate. But he was struggling just like me. It's not like I couldn't, I couldn't be late with the rent there. Do you understand me? Like, you know what I'm saying?

You're saying take the chance, move out. No, no, no. But it was amazing, like walking home in those days in November. And in Colorado, if you lived in those places at night, all you smell is woodburning. Oh, yes. And you can hear it crackling. And you can hear it.

And it's cold, but not really. And it's real quiet and serene. And I would be walking in that park. like walking and doing what a 21 year old doing skating down half of it and I'm going wow what these motherfuckers are really missing and even though I'm by myself look at what I'm doing by myself I agree I agree that's the most important thing that people always scared of that they don't know if they're going to that satisfaction of having that closet with that fan you're eating what you want you're driving lift yep whatever it is and you're trying to put it together just to prove to

yourself. That you can... And there's one night where you'll be there with crackers. You have the computer on watching Game of Thrones, and you'll have crackers, and you'll have a can of sausages, and a Coke one, and you'll sit there and you'll go, how fucking lucky am I? Yeah. I'm in Sacramento.

I'm in North Angeles living my dream. I might be broke. But for tonight, I'm good. Yeah? I'm good. I'm not home. I'm out of that bar. I'm out of that environment.

I'm out of that. That's what that, that part of my life always was, I was ashamed how it ended. They caught me robin. I planned a jewelry heist. They already knew I was burglarizing these places. I was in deep. They knew, but they didn't know.

I acted like I didn't do coke. That was my cover. Isn't that every Cokehead's cover? No, no, no, no. At this time I was doing that cover. They always pretend like they don't do it. At this time, I was doing it to steal. Got it.

So the finger can never be torn to me. Why would he steal? He don't even do coke. Look at the size of him. He says he lifts weights and hits a bag every fucking day. He does push-ups in between outside like an idiot. I played the pot head. Got it.

You follow me? And then I... The pot head never... And they would snore coke around me, and then they talk, and we go back into that house, and they play darts. All of a sudden, the guy would come out of the back room with a kilo of coke. And I go, here we go. We got a pigeon. There we go.

Pilot the Bombadier. And I give him like right the way With those guys You just put him on a hook You just got one guy Eventually you're going to throw him in They just got to work him And see what's going on

The woman in the house Who his roommate is I knew the roommate The guy worked on the fucking golf court That went away from the daytime And this guy skied The apartment's wide open And the coke is in the bed

And the bedroom somewhere In that closet in the hallway there And I got five minutes But there's a fucking sliding window In the living rooms Right when I come in the place I'm gonna open up the sliding window So I'm going to leave it open just so I have the option to walk out the sliding window if they come to the front door.

Okay. So I would always open up my path out before I'd even go for the loot. I'd go for the loot. I'd find the loot. I'd lock the door how it was and I'd go out the back door. I look, pop, boom. And I walk out the back door and I may believe it was looking at birds. Oh, my God, it's a silver-bellied blue chip from cattle.

Did you learn that door trick the hard way? Like, that seems like something that you might have to learn when you, you know, You're like a trap somewhere. I was really good at it because all the condos were made the same. From Building A to Building M, they were all the same cut. If I could break into one door, I could break into all of them. My buddy was an engineer and he made the clips to bust into all the doors. But my kooky, listen, I'm not the smartest do in the world.

So one night there's new people live upstairs and they're talking about drugs all the time. And I don't really befriend them. I just hear them chatter at parties, how much blow they do. So I watch them one night. Again, I go into the fucking front door, lock the door, the lights are out. I go in the back, but again, it's snowing out. So I get to the front of the back door and I slide open the sliding door, and I fucking go to the back and boom, there's the blow.

I see the lights pull up. I close the door, boom, boom, I lock the front door. I go to the fucking back as I'm running out. Boom, I left the screen door up, the one with the flies, so the flies won't come in. And I landed right in the fucking grass. just closed the sliding door and they were right there and i fucking ran it wasn't fresh snow thank god that's what saved me yeah it was old snow so i didn't leave i just ran i ran into like the

water i ran across and i went to the crestwood where i used to work and i saw my friend car and i gave him the coke and i changed shirts and then he gave me a ride to my house like nothing happened and the next day there was chitter-chat there somebody around my house right out was just a blow that's terrible did you help him look for it oh yeah you should have seen me out there putting out posters and stuff yeah you're fucking crazy

Lee I was 19 years only doing this kind of shit Jesus Christ fucking crazy retarded retarded retarded just making that's the thing it's not like you were in Jersey

where you had friends and you could come up with schemes you were out there by yourself just like oh my god getting stoned and thinking of weird criminal shit you could do okay so now I go back to

fucking New Jersey. Oh my God. I end up living in a playground. I don't do blow for six months. From Denver back to Jersey. I go back to Jersey. I fuck up completely.

I live in Jersey until 85 and I move to both. I got a little loop put away. But bro, I was a fucking dirty fever. Jesus. I got 10 Gs in the bank.

I got six grand in my pocket. It's a Sunday night. I'm walking on the Pearl Street. There's one of those cookie houses where they make this. This is Paul's cookies. They had to let the window. open.

It's Sunday. That's their fault. It's Sunday. You know what I'm saying? There's money in that hut. You're stealing Mrs. Paul's cookie money? One of those cookies. I didn't say no names.

No names. Fuck all. No names. You understand me? I fucking jumped in there and there was in the register. I just plugged the register and press open. $9,000, $9,000 in cookie money. He had opened.

That just says what year was. I was. I was such a bad thief. I used to unplug the register and take it with me because sometimes I was so retarded. I couldn't even open the fucking register. So I would have to go to the car, open up the back door, leave the trunk open and go out there with the whole register and take it to go. I did not know about the take it to go scheme.

Where do you talk about it? Where would you hide a register on your way out? I would fucking put in the trunk of a car and go, step on it. No, I'm talking about when you're running through the mall with the register in your hands. No, no, I wouldn't be running to the mall. We registered. The business will be locked. It'd be like an independent business.

I go in there, you know? Oh, okay. I thought you were in the middle of the mall like the mall. They turned the electricity. You can't hold a register like that. They turn the electricity off so you can't open up the register. So you got to unplug the fucking thing and pick it up. And you got to bring pliers.

Sometimes you got to bring cutters with you with gloves. I always had gloves on because you might have to cut it because they hide the plug underneath. Like they build around. Sure. Oh, my God. I must have taken 15 registers of my day. And then, and I knew nothing about it, but this dude named Tom Pinesseye, God bless his soul. He told me he had a missing eye.

He was a Westie. One eye in Westie. The guy used to get me jobs, and I was like 18 to case joints. And he used to tell me how to steal and shit. He used to tell me how to take care of the ingrown toenail in prison and shit. I mean, this dude was the best. I loved Tom. He had all the answers.

How did you get a job? Can we talk about that for a second? How do you get what? A job. Case and joints. That's a big job. That's a big job. Yeah.

That's a big job. I had a dude once a guy that paid me to just stand by the wall. What do you do? A case joints. Stand by the wall. Ten bucks an hour. Just standing there from six to twelve. But you got a document.

It's not easy work. Fucking hilarious. The guy's name was Mr. Boji. And he used to hire me like three nights a week to stand by the brick wall. Don't move. I'll bring you a sandwich in two hours. I'm surprised you ever left. That seems like you're the perfect.

And he used to tell me one of these days I'm going to get your job 12, 15 an hour sweeping a roof. you know what I'm saying that used to be the job you want it come on Mr. T, get me a job sweeping the roof 12, 15 and out what do you do? You just sweep all day just sweep the roof every day. Eight hours a day, just sweep the same roof.

It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right. And then just watch everything just be like, nobody sweeps the roof. It's a no show job, Lee? No. That's what it's called. The sweeping the roof. I need a job sweeping the roof.

Yeah, Eleanor, you knew that right? Yes, I did. That's fucking crazy. Sweeping the roof. Yeah, I'm sorry. Come on, Lee. You've never swept a roof. I thought it was a job where you showed up and just actually swept the roof.

So you were getting paid and you weren't doing anything. Let me ask you. Who in their right mind would sweep a roof? Who in the right mind would know what a sweep in the roof job means? You get a no-pay. I didn't see this in your mobia handbook that you give out when you saw the memory. I didn't have the mafia handbook. That's what it was called.

It's a different kind of. mafia. Wait, quick question. When you write your book, are you going to put a chapter in there of recipes please? No, no, that's a second book. I got to just do a whole... I got to support that kid. Yeah, I love that. I want to give a shout

out to my main man, water boxer making a comeback, Kentucky fried sports, Casey McKenzie, Candy Parker, Maverick the monster, Jim Nunya always representing you bad motherfucker, and his little goomba death, big

Thorneberry Big Frog and Ryan Post Shurzel you bad motherfucker Uncle Joey Lowe's you don't forget next weekend I'm at Zanis Nashville Atlanta come down because I'm not going to see you this year and I probably won't be making it to Charlotte

at this point either so if you're in the local fucking show up Zanies is a good club Dorf is waiting for me it's all over but the shout and shit in plain what bitches What bitches sweep in the roof Lee one of these days I'm going to Sweet the roof.

You sweep the roof. That's the best job ever, a no-show job. Do you ever have a no-show job? One time, Carmine Bousano got me a no-show job at Horace Mann. And I'll never forget. I used to just walk in there and get a check and go home. Like, he used to say, did you even move a desk this week? No.

Free country. What a great country. You don't even move a desk. Nothing. You don't even help the channel. He's 150 years old. There's no air conditioner. He's 90.

and you go home and play fucking basketball and you got the audacity go pick up a check with a smile. This is a good country America. Yeah, great country. He used to say that to me all the time. Are there people who do that for like a career? I did it for a summer. Carmine got me a job for a summer and Horace man sweeping. I think I showed up

like three days and I was like, come on guys. You got to be serious. How come everybody has a job and they don't have to fucking show up? I got to show up now, no, it's not fucking fair. I'll fucking call the Daily News. I'll call it to the Cuban. It's not fair.

that I have to show up to my job. In North Bergen at that time, everybody had a job for the town, and then they had something on the side that you showed up for an hour, a week, you know what I'm saying? And you still pulled out 20 grand. So nobody really said nothing.

You know what I'm saying? I only had one. Nobody really said nothing. And you got 20 hours, and you got dental and vision. And everybody had one of those. Dental and vision. And I still was getting $8 an hour at the movie theater. I don't know what. I didn't get dent.

and vision at mine. I was just on a book and then at tax time, I got the checks. Like, they would pay the taxes. Like, he needed me on his books. Kind of a thing. Yeah, no, no, I always... If I never went in there, I don't even know where the office was. I worked for

Hearts Mountain Roof in high school. I worked for Rendolemba Marine. But it was Mazbac Century, and I got a job at Mazbac Century Hardware. One of the best jobs I haven't had that I blew over a piece of ass. I couldn't take it I had to go give her a stab

and she wasn't gonna fuck me she didn't fuck me for four years after you know what I told me I told Lee all the time Lee I was so retarded at that age wait so you had a job

and you go ahead I took a job he left him mid shift he's telling me he left midship to go have sex you know what I'm saying that right now there was no sex I swear to God

there was not even sex wasn't even in the picture but you were trying I was just trying And I got, making my girlfriend. Oh, okay. How old were you? I was 18 going on fucking 92.

Of course. And before my senior year in high school, somebody said, go to Tunley Avenue, go to West Side Avenue, look for jobs. There's always jobs on West Side Avenue. And I had worked at a hardware store before. So I walked into this place, and I applied. They called me three days laying and asked me if I wanted to, like, the 4-12 shift. And I was like, absolutely. And I did that.

All you got to do is pick up chains. and pull orders like that. No, no, pull orders, what you did is after you did inventory. Your first 90 days you did inventory, so you learned where everything is. Oh, okay. So when the trucks came in the morning, you had to unload them, and you would take them, push them in a push cart, and then go to aisle 50-250.

So they wanted you to learn where everything was first. That was your first 90 days. And then after that, they put you to pick orders. So you drew, now you got a car, and you were cool. You got a car. Zit, zz, z, z. You know how envious I was Of those fucking guys?

I'm like, one day, I'm going to be one of those guys. I was going to be one of those guys. And then there was day loaders that loaded the trucks. And then there was a night loading job that everybody said was the best job at the place but nobody wanted it. Seven to four

every day, one day through Friday, but on Friday you went home in a quarter day. Why so late? Because there was a half a truck to load. with four guys. But the union would make you go down there. So you would go down there at 7 and put a pipe on the truck.

And then you'd have to sweep till a quarter of eight and then go, never in the three months that I worked. So that's what I got a job there and I lasted 90 days. And the job came up to load trucks at night. And I became a union. As soon as I became a union that made me go on that list. And I was like number three on the list.

And number one didn't want a job. he had a girlfriend down when she didn't want to and the other guy got married he didn't want the job so they came and asked me I was like oh shit I got like a $6 raise and Fridays I'm off so I quit school and I could still go out

Friday nights at 8 o'clock oh so you're saying I thought you meant you had to stay late 8 o'clock in the morning you stayed you got off early that's how cake this job was Lee this is how retarded uncle Joey is I did this job for like five weeks and I loved it I loved the thought of walking in my house at 5 in the morning, smoking a fucking joint. I'd make a cheese omelet. I'd flip over the two-egg cheese omelet in those days.

I'd flip it over and put two fucking pieces of American cheese on top. I got like four pieces of Wonderbread toasted it with butter. Nice. All right. And then I'd make a protein shake in those days. And I'd fucking eat the cheese omelette and drink and drink the protein. shake and I'd smoke another joint and then I go downstairs, put on HBO

and go to sleep until like fucking three in the afternoon. I get up, do some drugs, make some calls, make some hustling, lift some weights, and I'd go back there at 7 o'clock. But I got to call one night. There's a big, big-ass party at Thursday night and you got to be there. What the fuck am I going to do? I can't quit

this fucking gig. I just got it. You know what I'm in the union? I'm in the union. I made it. You can go home and tell my mother, like Tony and Scarfish, your son is a success. And, bro, the party ate me alive. I fucking stuck my finger down my throat and puked. And I puked on my shirt and said, I got to go.

I called for the manager. He wasn't there. So I jumped off the truck and I ran home like a little pussy that I was and put on a t-shirt and went to the party. And she wasn't there. She had gone home already. She got high and she couldn't take it. So she went home. She was a young little white chick.

How bad do you think I felt? So I kept calling. They went to answer the phone. So the next day they fired me. it's a month out of Christmas I get fucking fired I got responsibilities I got a cocaine app

I got a bar bill you know what I'm saying in those days they used to I got a Joe Marries Wila was the bartender Lila give me a little fucking vodka vodka and just give Lee

whatever he's drinking give Lee whatever he's drinking put it on my tab or your tab it's $62 on Waila is it Friday yet no no

don't what the fuck keep pouring You have a weekly tab A weekly tably And how how would it get A hundred you had to make a move. How much would you make a week?

A hundred. Nothing. I was dealing with three hands. I was working. At the warehouse, at that time, I was probably making $600, $6.50 a week. But when I was working, I wasn't drinking $100 a week in there. At that day, I was paying cash. Right.

But once you started hustling, you always had a tab at the ball. You had no problem. No credit card, no nothing. It was a big thing back. That was a big thing back there, a tab. You had a tab at the grocery store. your mother had a tab at the pizza place your mother had a tab at the florist

your mother had a tab at the bodega everybody had a tat like when I was growing up you had a tab at Hashways yeah Ms. Hatcham I'm gonna roast beef on rye potato salad and coke put it on my tab you got it and you're like

who what a country what were the rules of the tab like how when do you have to pay? Friday Friday it was weekly definitely sometimes you can eat something and ask for a 20

inside for it. No. I never did that. Old school, dog, old school. I would come in. What's your name? Illinois? Nice, I don't know, is it? Hi. My name is Joey Diaz. How you doing? Illinois, you're a big favor. Before I left the house today, I didn't take any cash.

Oh. Do me a favor. Give me a bar time for 200. Okay. Ring me up and give me 200 cash and keep one for yourself. Oh, okay. Thank you. It's a stolen credit card. We're partners. She don't see nothing. I don't see nothing. What driver's license do you put on it?

D4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Oh, that's a similar number. I've heard that one before. You follow me? Oh, yeah. You went out with a yardstick. I mean, there was a thousand fucking things you did as a young kid then. You know, there was a thousand ways to make.

If you wanted to go out, you always had a Lee. Lee, I need a big favor. Don't what? Coco, I can't lend your money. No. You got 300 quaalus. You're sitting on them like an ass. So, sell it to me, what do you want for 100?

200, but I need to catch. Bro, give me the fucking 100 Krales. And I'll give you two and a quarter tomorrow. You want two? I'll give you two and a quarter tomorrow. You know how quick you can sell 100 Krayludes, Lee? How quick? In my mother's grave, on mercy.

You know how long you just fucking... Two days. Four hours. No. At the right bar? Four fucking hours. How many people? Forty.

I'd have the whole, I'd have the whole place eating. Gorilla Biscuits and I'd have them calling their friends to come down to the bar. This guy's got the fucking original deal. Do they really 30 people passing out of bars? No. What I would do is she like gorilla biscuits. She knew the fucking rules. She knows what she knows.

Eleanor's been down the block before. Eleanor knows. Eleanor from the block is my album. I'm going to give Eleanor a half of Kuala. If I behave myself, she might give me a little nookie cookie. You might have a little good time. You know what I'm saying? If I play the cards wrong, she might just go back with that bartender that she usually

likes, but she knows I got a quarter-round to blow. I got a couple of gorilla biscuits. I got a pocket full of hundreds. I love a gorilla biscuit. Joey's a little fat. He might have a little dick, but you know what? Fuck it. I got fucked by a big dick last weekend. Sometimes you've got to give the pussy a breathing.

Oh, my. You really do. You can't swallow a big sword every week. That's so true. It's not easy. It's not easy. We're doing the Lord's work out there. Oh, no. Lee, there was tabs at dry cleaners? Sure.

No. Everybody has a tab and have a tab everywhere, Lee. My mom wouldn't like that. My mom didn't like the tabs, but my best friend,

her mom, no problem. Anywhere we went, we could say her mom to eat. Listen, man, tabs put you together. As long as you didn't

abuse them, tabs put you together. Bard tabs killed me. Like, I think I'm still not a lot at Gregory's seven-day weekend. I'll let the tab in there for like 200 and shit.

That's where I would go and go, give me 20s. Give me 40 out of the register. Then they would take a piece of paper, put cocoa, $40, we'll pay Friday, and then they put it involved with the envelope for the night. Then they put it on the wall with your thumbtack with all the other white papers, and you come in and pay for the fucking papers. There was that comic that he was

a bad scam artist, bad, and he'd come to me at the comedy store when I was waiting tables, and he'd say, run this card for me, he had his nails painting. I don't know if I could say his name. I remember it, but I'm afraid to say it. How long ago? Like in the early 90s, a mid-90s. Before I got there. Oh, he was there. You might have been around. Like a little, yeah. Maybe late 90s.

But he always had his nails pain. You know, he was like crazy guy. He talked like this. And you know who it is? No. Anyway, so his name was Bob. I'll give you that. And so he would always, he would be like,

I want to buy drinks, but I need to get some cash back. I'm like, okay. And then you give me like four credit cards. All of them have female names on him. I'm like, douche. Come on. And then he married one of our managers. And I was like, dude, he's going to rob you.

And she's like, I love him now. She had the big titty. Anyway. But yeah, he used to come in. Oh, my God. There you go. Oh, my God. I don't know how many more hints, but.

That was a really fucked up time. He was fucked crazy. He would, I mean, he had cards. I was like, dude, what are you? doing out there? That was the beginning of my aden at that time. But he knew how to get around it.

Yeah. I don't like to say the name. Yeah, he had to change his name. He left. He's in seclusion, but he's working as a comic somewhere. He was funny. I remember correctly. Listen, he was about to sign with three yards, but he lost his

fucking mind like people do. And then what happened was, this is one of the best stories you'll ever hear. I just get to the fucking comedy store. I know, I know Jimmy Schubert. I know Jimi I know Dave Tyree. I know Eddie Griffin.

I know the guy with the thing, Sanchez, Luke Torres. Right, right. The chick, the Puerto Rican chick that had whatever son. Ludovica? No, the black kid. The kid, that's two comedians. The fuck, Joe Torres. Come on.

Oh, Kim Tavares. I'm sorry. Love her. Love her. You have these nice fucking people. What are we talking about? This motherfucker. The scam. the Bob and all of a sudden it really became this drug place do you remember when the kid OD in the back on heroin oh deed uh-uh there was a crew that hung out there there was a lot

i mean okay i got i got made i got made with larry vizios larry vasios and this chick that was a lesbian and this other dude and i never saw the chick that was a lesbian again i never saw another dude again. Okay. The only one that came up from that crop was me and Larry Vizale. So you guys got... Promoted the same night. I mean, you got past. Passed the same night. They made a score upstairs and I worked for N's Mitchell with Shane Mattash and the

telemarketing department upstairs. Oh, I remember it well. That's fucking crazy. And I had my own office and I was faxed people. So this was like 98? This is 97. 97? Okay. And then this guy, Bob showed up and he was very nice and he

was very funny. He was a good writer. He was friends with Carretham. And he was, you know, he was a cordial guy and he'd invite you to do a blast. And he reminded me as somebody I did time with. Yeah. That was a very loyal, trusting guy

and I loved him very dearly. This guy had no reason to be my friend. He was a big-ass white dude from Philly. I never, ever forgot him. Yeah, you told me about him. I'm writing this thing about Guardian Angels now. These people are guardian angels. I'll never see them again. You know, by doing the

show and by doing comedy, I would wish a guy like that would hit me up on Facebook and go, did I do time where you at Camp George West in 1987? Do you remember me? And tell me something we did, I would, my heart would break. Just to know that that particular, there was like

two or three dudes in there. The dude who gave me the notebook to become a comedian, the librarian, the little nerd who killed his wife and our fucking male man boyfriend. I would love to see him today. He's probably still doing either. He got like 2000 and one years. Aw.

What a fucking shame, Lisa. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing pretty good. For some reason, I just love when you say La Luna. So the La Luna's are kicking in pretty strong. I got to wake up tomorrow and go do that rest of the pilot tomorrow. We're going downtown. Can you talk about how it went or not yet?

Well, I don't know how it went. I mean, he likes it so far. You know me, dog. I hate everything. The last thing I want to do is see myself. So it's in their hands. They sell the show. Yeah.

Okay, they liked the footage from yesterday. I got my wife in it as my consultant. I had an idea for them today, and they liked it. So tomorrow I got to go to the flower center and talk to them about, she lets mice out. She lets cats out at night. They kill the mice. What does she think?

You know, they kill birds also, that type of stuff. Excuse me, and from there we're going to my house. And we're going to shoot me doing the intro. We're going to shoot. My wife talking about the story, I want to shoot about me. Adopting the cats and fucking, you know, I would go home instead of stay out and do blow

and how they gave me character and a little bit of meaning and then I started realizing, wait a second, I could take care of these fucking cats. I always thought I couldn't take care of a cat. Next, you know, I'm feeding cats, and I got the little balls and shit with the string. And, you know, sometimes you rescue a cat, but sometimes the cat or the animal,

I'm like, you rescue, rescues you, brother. You don't even know it. That's true. You bring an animal home and you're like, Jesus Christ, I feel a lot better. Nothing feels this fucking good. So that's what the pilot is. So we end shooting tomorrow. We're going to do a podcast scene in here.

That's right. With my manly fucking boom boom sciatica. I'm ready for my sad car. And this ain't sad cuck, sucker. This is your under cuff car. Where's my trailers? Get your hair and makeup done. Get your hair and makeup done and shit.

Where's the paperwork? I'm going to straighten your beard. What the fuck? Oh, I got to hand. So what are you hearing? I don't know. Talk to me. I know you're on the road with Andrew.

I'm on the road with Andrew. We're in Vegas next weekend. The second Super Bowl weekend? The second, third, and the fourth. And then the 17th, 18th, 19th. On my birthday? Are you the 19th? Yeah.

Nice. I'm 54 in the 19th. Wow. The second to the fourth, I'm in Nashville. I'm wondering how that airport is going to be. Sunday morning going to Las Houston

so it has nothing to do with Uncle Joey I'm going to the other side bitches Then I'm doing that Kid Rock Cruise in April so I'm excited about that Going back for a second time

There are partiers on there Boy Now what are the performers It's mostly I don't know who else is on This one I have to look it up But

The last one was The last one was Tone Loak He was great We had a fucking blast. I think this time it's EMPD. Is that how you say it? I'm terrible with that. I'll look it up.

It's this phone works. But tone low, Kid Rock performs. They had Steel Panther. You know that? Yeah, yeah. The guy's from Vegas. They had Uncle Cracker.

They had some really fun. It was like a rap band. I don't know where they were from Europe. They were great, though. They were all dressed in Adidas suits. and they would do like classics from the 80s and just like sing over them. They were fucking great. Like really like a fun, not like a killer band, but like a fun band.

And then, yeah, it was all bands and me. So I had a blast. How many days are you out there? We're five days. All right. And I have to do three shows, 45 minutes each. And I'm just looking for the lineup if I can find it. And the last time you bought the boyfriend that was a fucking nightmare.

You said that. Yeah, it was tough. You fucked up and shit. This time. we have the struts, EPMD, John Stone Band, he was on last time,

big rock show, Sweet Tea T Trio, DJ Salman, DJP, and Eleanor Kerry. How many people on the boat? It's fucking packed. 5,000?

5,000, I think, 7? I don't know. And it's big, it's scary. It was the first time I'd ever been on a ship. Elevators and everything?

Elevators, everything. I didn't do that. I took the stairs. I don't fuck around. I'm playing no elevator. You ain't playing that tight days. No, no, no.

And people party on that on the ship. When we got on, we had stayed in Miami because I love Miami. So last year we left out of Miami. So I went early because I wanted to stay at night in Miami. And so I walked around by myself. I left my boyfriend at the hotel. It was whatever. So hanging out of Miami, the next day we went like in the afternoon.

Well, I didn't know they went the night before and most people already boarded. So I thought they were getting on the ship and they were already that fucked up. I was like, holy shit, we're just getting here. These people were wasted. But that's because they were already partying while the ship was docked. I mean, they just, they spend that kind of money, and then they get on that ship, and they just fucking let loose. Every woman had their top off with fucking Kid Rock stickers on their nipples.

It was fucking great. Now, are your rooms big? Or everybody says, it's not huge, but it's not terrible. It's, you know, you get a nice room. We had a balcony. so you know you're on the you've got a nice little balcony you can go sit up there

yeah you walk out there sit out there and hang out and we hung out there a lot and then we're the artists are a little bit off from where the other people the regular people don't know nobody bothers you really it's pretty cool you get all these passes too so you don't have to

really hang out you can go behind backstage and watch the bands versus like you know fighting through the crowd to sit up front kind of a thing and they come we all support each other's shows. It was fucking great. Are they dogs on the ship when you got on?

Oh, what? I know people bringing drugs on. That's not my business. Did you see dogs? I mean, it's a fucking question now. I did see dogs. I did see. I thought you said drugs, but yeah, I did see.

Really? They got dogs out there. I don't know if I thought of. I think you have to go through customs, Joey. I don't know if you can, I don't know if you could go on a cruise. You know I'm a passport. I don't know about that. I don't remember if I saw dogs.

For real dogs or is this a code? You have to have a passport, right? For a real... For a cruise. I had a passport. Because we went to Jamaica. This time we're going out of Tampa, and we're going to the Bahamas.

And Key West. There's your Irish... Look at that. She's getting big. Irish Cuban. I hope my sister's going to have kids, Irish Cubans. That's crazy. She took a picture last week.

My wife sent it to me. I almost had a fucking heart attack, you know? Why? You look at these pictures, and you go. Where the fuck the time go? I know. keep telling my friend that like, you know, it's so hard in the beginning. But then it goes so fast.

Oh, my goodness. Look at her. With a little doctor suit on this shit. And her and the fucking wife, listen, everything's fine, the living room. She's with me. Terry's on the couch. Terry's on the chair. It's beautiful.

She's laying between my legs with a fucking cell phone and the cat's next to me. The baby has a cell phone? No. She gets Terry's cell phone. Oh, I see. watch YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now she's punished again from the cell phone

because every time she gets involved with the cell phone and the computer, she pees her pants because she gets so focused on the cell phone. She don't, I get it. She doesn't get it. So my wife is furious tonight. So tonight before I left the fucking house, I'm in there trying to write and put shit together. And they have one argument.

Terry, what's the problem? She won't eat necessarily enough or nothing. How many times I got to tell you? She just ate at school. And she told you when you said, dinner, I'm not hungry. She went up there and it was salami with some fucking

vegetables and something. Who eats this shit, Terry? What's wrong with you? I don't say nothing. I don't say nothing because at this point wife's telling an argument. Yeah, my wife will eat raisin. My wife will raise my wife to death 10 minutes later. Let me get raisers with yoga. Let me get raisins with yoga. Let me

get raisins with yoga. My wife is such a stingy fuck. She actually goes to the cabinet and gives her one box. I tell her, go ahead. She'll come on, Daddy, can I get a box a ring? Go ahead. If I stop her and check her, she got three boxes. I know that going in, you know what I'm saying? But I'm not going to use

her or not going to bust her ball. I don't even ask her. I just hear her run behind me. That's all you hear. She slams the door. She's four. About 18 minutes later, boom, boom.

Do you do. Do you do. Daddy, can I have some, you know, it's always something because she don't want to eat dinner. Right. 6.15, she ain't hungry. She just got home. She got the energy of a fucking savage. Her thing is going up, not down.

Absolutely. She just got that second. She just got that second. She's just getting back from school. She gets home. Now it's a different type of stimulation. Yeah. She puts the fucking suit on.

So today she was, who the fuck was she today? Today she was a country western thing. She had that pink hat on. I asked her before leave. Can I borrow your hat? No daddy. Right. She had to fucking cowboy.

She lived in the middle of something. Yeah, with some fucking belt buckle and the fucking thing. No, so that was the beginning. And then I went into the office. We ate dinner. Everybody was excused. My wife let her go. And then there was an argument.

I don't know what the argument was about. I came out. She goes, she won't finish it. Then I stuck up for mercy. Because she don't want to eat? Don't eat. I go, but you can't eat later. Okay.

All right. Fine. Go to bed. Then I went back to the computer room. Not 15 minutes later, I hear yelling and screaming and yelling and scream. I just shut the computer. I go, what happened? and now, she goes, she peed her pants.

I got, and she got, and she got to stick with my wife, you know what I'm saying? Sure. I go, she gave him to a fucking phone. She threw another fit. I took a shot when left. I got no time to argue with women. You know what I got a life. I got a podcast with Ellen, I don't know.

I'm going to say they and argue with Eleanor and Lee. Fuck it. You set them against each other, and then he leave. No, he didn't. I took the side of Terry. I took the side. I took some my wife's side. I can't fucking let my daughter piss in the fucking pants.

And even the first one, you went on both sides. She don't pee at school, nothing. She's one of the best kids older, I think. In fact, they put her in the top class. But this is when she gets on that phone. It stimulates her a different way. Well, sure, people, like, they get in, like, focus. And I ask her three times.

You got to pee? No, Danny. We do the same thing to my nephew. You got a pee? No, Danny. You got to pee? No, Danny. All right, she fucking peed.

I mean. So my wife bands her for two days. My wife's fucking Hitler. Good for her. My wife throws him in that back room, and she's done. You know what I'm saying? You got it. She sees a little daylight.

I go back there because I got a back door to her room. I'm like a fucking, you know. He sneaks in. So I sneak in. I give her a hug. I tell her I love it and I bolt out of there before she starts to make her noises and shit. I tell her, she has a teepee in the room. That's pitting him against each other.

I threaten her every night. I'm going to sleep with a teepee today. No, you're not, Daddy. It's for my fucking whatever. She's got the ugliest teddy bear in there. Some fucking thing from Frozen. Oh, the Olif. Yeah, she's got Oloff.

there. Olifers in there. I'll move them over. Let me sleep with him. No, Daddy. Go out, Daddy. Please. Leave, Daddy. You can go now, Daddy. I'll tell you. I'm going to sleep in a fucking teepee. She loves that fucking teepee with all her heart, though.

I love that. She's a little Indian. Fucking hysterical when you have children and what you learn from them. What we forget. I'm sure we did the same. Maybe we didn't have as much, but we did the same kind of shit. A TP would be like building a fort for us. We had that triple bunk bed.

So we would put the sheets Let me tell you what I was doing it for The best My mom had this bar And behind When you walked in There was a panel wall That you could tip over if you laid on it

But nobody ever laid on it It was like this wall right here Without the wall in the back I tell you when you're coming Don't touch that wall Because the whole thing It came backwards So it was shaped

Like one of these things Like a rectangle And right here there was a door to where the pool hall was and where the pool club was in my mom's place but right in this area here there was a curtain but behind that curtain there were beer bottles a backstock of beer bottles

and there was maybe 50 cases that were empty of fucking like beer bottles that were empty I would take all those boxes and line them up at the age of four right like two walls and I would put them up like

five feet even though it was like four foot one I'd put them up to like five feet and then I'd run at him and knock them down my mother would lose her fucking shit like what the fuck are you doing like this is what I was doing to my mother at the bar people would be drinking up the balls and you'd be and it was me running into a fucking case of fucking empty beer bottles

Jesus that must have been so loud Jesus Christ I feel bad for my mother Give me those fucking things. I'm happy you came out. You got any dates, all over? Just the, yeah, the Vegas with dice. I'm trying to think of it. If I get a Philly date or Bogart of the day, you're coming with me.

Oh, I would love to. It's over and shit like that. It's a new year, cuckuckers. It's a new year. All right. All I have to say to you is one thing. Everybody needs work right now. Things are going on.

Things are tough. But opportunities are opening up for people in weird fucking ways, you know. I knew nothing about this. Lee's the young guy. Lee would tell me, I took this, the other day, took that the other day, and then he came in here one day,

and he told me he did the acid that night, and then he fucking, took a lift, and he told me what Lyft was, and what did you think, Lee? I love it. It's a great service. I feel like they're a little bit nice,

or they actually went through their driver training at one point, that they have a real emphasis on getting, to know the people you're riding with. It was just a nice... And this person, this specific driver was just really cool.

He had a nice car. He had lights in it. No, they have all the cars. You like all the packages? They do have... They do... Lyft does have a premium packages. So if you have a nicer car.

And he signed up to drive. They give you a higher rate. Okay. So, yes. So, yeah. So, yeah. So they have all that. It's a... And then they have a thing called...

lift line, which is really cool, where if you're going, they'll stop and pick someone else up along the way, and it's a cheaper fare. Okay. Oh, yeah. So they have a bunch of different options. I took them that time, you turned me on to them, and they were great. I really had a great time. The guy was great.

He had waters in the car. That's the best. It was a nice car. No, no, no. It was a great experience. So if you're in between jobs and you're looking to earn some extra money, right? You're going back to school yourself to get another degree. or maybe your first one.

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This is one of the best jobs going. What are you doing? You're paying a high nut for your car and you're sitting at home watching TV at night. Take two rides. What do you care? Do me a favor. Sign up today. Go to lift.com slash Joey.

And right now, Lyft has a special offer for our listeners. You'll get $500 new driver bonus after you can. complete 100 rides within 30 days. Go to lift.com slash joey today so you can start making extra money and get your $500 new driver bonus. Limited time only restrictions apply, all right? What do you think you're dealing with? Joey bananas or what? Number two, one of my best ever. You know what? A friend of mine called me a day and he said he was very happy that I recommended this to him because he asked me one time he heard about all these type of things

Lee was on it Lee Blue Apron I love it it's a great service it teaches people to cook it's healthy and it's easy there's no complaints and it's perfectly measured

so there's never any waste did you uh what was some of your favorite recipes you told me about oh my god there's a spicy pomeadoural pasta that I it's just amazingly it taught me how to make a

tomato sauce, which was great. I loved the, there was a chicken, but the thing that I loved is that it taught me how to make mashed potatoes. I've never made that before my life. You don't have made mashed potatoes before you life? Listen to me. Look at me. What's up? I'm one of the dumbest people, you know.

Even I was making mashed potatoes. Same. Same. Taurus. Milk, a little dash of sour cream, and some fucking butter with some salt and pepper, and whip that motherfucker up with a fork, then turn it into a spoon. Spanish style? What do you Nuts or what, Lisa, I add.

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So don't wait. That's Blue Apron.com slash Joey, you're right? Listen, give Blue Apron a shot. Columbus did. That's blueapen.com slash Joey. Columbus did. Oh, my God. What's a good week, Lee, Syatt?

I love you to death. Look at you. What are you doing this weekend? Surprise me. This weekend. What am I doing? What is the torture of death? What are you doing this week?

You're taking a balloon to fucking. Spritz. Ooh. No, it's Paul's birthday on Sunday. I'm not sure what we're doing yet. You better get on it. Well, I don't know if I have the podcast.

Well, let's go see the Harlem Globetrotters. Oh. They're here? I go see the Harlem Globetrotters. You should go see the Harlem Globetrotters. I want to see if they held up. I'm thinking of those. It's on my birthday.

Oh, really? On Sundays at the Staples. Fuck, yeah. Why not? That's awesome. You should. You should. the baby.

I don't know if she's going to like it. I would hate for her to get sick on the way down there. So sometimes she got sick again. Oh, she's not good in the car? What about the train? Would she get sick on the train? I'm not taking my child on a fucking train. Lemons.

No train. This is close. Listen to me. I agree with Joey. Lemons. Helps a lot with the car. Or mince. Any kind of mints helps with the nausea.

When she peels, if she peels up the mints, I'm going to have you come over. I'll clean it up. I'll pick up each fucking mint with your fingers and shit. You got to come do the comedy. We'll be a podcast for us. Me too. You've been telling me for two fucking years. No, it's not two years.

Only two months. You know what, man? From time to time I think you. And I can't tell you how very proud I am. A lot of people, you know, even that story about the fiancé. That could have broke most people. A lot of people, from there, you just go to drink. And a year later, your mother sends you 200 to take a grand out.

You're going home, sperm is jerking, dripping out of your spores. The assholes all busted. You know what I'm saying? you were in love you'm saying he ran up your credit card he crashed your car you know yeah you could you're right

he sold your car to Bob Baker oh look are you dropping the name who gives a fuck I don't know well if he changed it he created his own fucking grave he was talented he was talented he had some people looking at him but no that's what made me think of bringing up the store podcast because we could

talk about the comedy store stories so there was a comedy so many funny stories so that's something it's bad enough about baker's up there yeah and every night you go up to bob and go bob let me get a taste he give you a taste and then go bob what's the story some of your gram brother listen yeah give me 10 minutes the mexican's gonna show up and i'll take hey you know and he always showed up i remember him too but then this and then we would go to rent a hotel room some nights me him shubes a bunch of us yeah we'll go to that sunset in chipping 20 hours and go in all those rooms and snort get a bottle

from the store and then stop and get other bottles. And then what the fuck happened? Then all of a sudden one day this guy used to be a fucking degenerate fiend. But he sold his comedy club. Like somebody came and bought his laparlet. Do you remember him? 1998.

This guy came out here with a suitcase with like 300,000 cash and checked into a hotel on Sunset. It was in his room. And I would go to his room and snook. with him. I never got to the money. I always stole an eight ball. I stole more eight balls from the end of the eight body.

He put them all on the count. I always took one in between my fingers and closed my hand. Were you keeping it in the hotel safe? No. The money was somewhere in that fucking hotel room. And if I tell you something, Lisa, tell me. He left here when that

suitcase was empty. And it took him four months. He spent 300 large in four months on the sunset strip. I believe it. He lived in a hotel. He ate steaks. Yeah. He even bought a kilo to try to sell Coke and make money to recruit his profit.

He went under. He lost fucking money. He lost fucking money because he was out every night. Bob Baker, him. We were out every fucking night. I know. I remember it. Horrible.

Horrible time. Horrible time. Horrible time. And I used to live right. right there with the kid, Bobby Kelly. So I would just walk from that hotel to Kelly's house. And I remember taking a girl home from the hotel with no blow. I was playing.

I was like, come on, let's go back on me. That's going to blow. And I took it to the building to the stairway. I'm like, let me see you. No, co. Who the fuck do you think you are, you fat bastard? You check me. And she just ran away.

I go, fuck. And I go back to my house and go to sleep. What do I get? She walked me halfway to the door. You know what I can? It's a different time when they're walking you to the door, Joe. fucking time. Amazing.

I'm happy that you guys tuned in. I love that. You came on the show the night and bright in my fucking night. You're a bad motherfucker and I'm really proud of you as a woman as a female comic. Did you march on Sunday? I did not march on Saturday. Good, but you stuck to your craft. Yeah.

And you believed in you in a belief that most women fucking tap out by now. Find the fucking guy, have a kid, and say, fuck. I did comedy for a while. I knew everybody. Yeah, good, but it's tough to stick with. and that's where you get my respect. That's why you're on the show. And you know, I love you all around, though.

You're one of my favorite people. I like, Lisa, you had everything solid over there. You're all fucked up, which is good. There's a point in the podcast where I just seeing colors. Good. What color are you saying? Let me tell you something. Next week, we have a great guest on Monday.

I think next Wednesday, February 1st, is when Lee and I test out acid. It's been fermenting now. They said to let them for 14 days. It's fucking. granulating. The sugar looks tremendous. The sugar cubes. Are you excited? I've given it to enough oxygen. It's dry. See, here's the thing. I like it. It's fun, but he tortures me for about three weeks now.

And he gets my heart rate going to go out. I'm taking him to the next level. So just give it to me that. He's just going to black out and see fucking stars for a little while. And he's going to go on an acid trip. He's going to see himself in the desert with a cat chasing him and shit. Sounds terrifying to me. He's going to wake up sweating like a pig here. It doesn't sound, it doesn't sound super fun. Listen to fucking. Why do you do it? What is this?

Pure pressure? Absolutely. He knows I tore mental. What am I going to do? What do you think I call him? Absolutely. Listen, I call him with the acid calls three weeks before I drop it up. Good.

So he's mentally prepared. He knows what's coming. It's like Rocky. He's got to train for a fight. And what we're going to do that next is we're going to hire a cameraman. We're going to do it here. And then we're going to go out. You always said you wanted to go out.

Let's go out. Let's take a couple. couple lifts and we'll go around town and tape it. We'll hire a lift for the night. Perfect. I'll see you freaking out. Yeah, we'll get some blue apron. Let's do it. Let's do it. You know we don't play games here. I love you motherfuckers.

See you Monday night, 8 p.m. same back time. Same bat channel. Follow Eleanor on. Twitter, Facebook, all that. Social media. I have a website. A website. Yeah. Eleanor J. Kerrigan. Follow her. Go see you. Dot com. She's the last real fucking deal out there. These women

I bring on the show are fucking savages. They all could have been Vietnam bets. That's a type of heart they have. Give them the respect they deserve. Lee, kick that fucking meal, cuck, I love you. See you guys Monday. Or if not, I'll see you in Nashville next Thursday night. Stay black,

bitches. You're hilarious. You know what? You're hilarious. Hey, man, I'm just trying to fucking get this party started.