The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #451 - Steve Rannazzisi

Episode Date: January 31, 2017

Steve Rannazzisi, Comedian and actor ("The League")  joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Steve's new podcast, "Hear Me This Book" will debut on February 7th, 2017. This podcast is brought to you by: Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY to get 1 month for free.   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.    MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/30/2017.
  

On my birthday, I became a regular at the store. Fuck, yeah. That's, wow. 20 years, I'll be a regular and fucking... Three weeks, huh? How many times do you get in front of her? Twice. Twice.

First time that she's saying anything like, no. You have 10 minutes to come back next week. And I remember coming to the store, had my references, and they said, it's a six-week backlog. Mm-hmm. Six, seven, sometimes four or five months. Okay, I accepted it.

Friday, they're going to. called and said, let's been two cancellations you went. I was in three minutes to come back and do ten. You're a rag, you know. Fat baby. Fat baby. Oh, God. I still have pictures of lineups of that baby. It took like three years for her to start calling me fat baby. Ready? Let's do it. Let's do it. The church of what's happening now is presented by On It.

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That's CISO.com promo code Joey. Oh shit. Kick that meal league. Kick that motherfucker. It's Monday, baby. It's January 30th, Cocksuckers. We're taking this muffler to the hoop tonight. Deep in the murky waters.

Steve Renazizi. Fuck yeah, Joey. The Flying Jew and Uncle Joey. This is the fucking Shankler's guitar. That German is fucking killing that guitar. Shit. Just when you thought it was safe and you were out of the woods, the big bad wolf is back, bitch. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers?

I missed you. It was a great long weekend with the family. I didn't see Lee Syatt this weekend at all. He had him in seclusion over there on rural canyon. The wife sucked him in Friday. He was done. He was eating stars over there, getting stories about attorneys and shit. They were setting presidents at his house.

It was all over. Oh, it was, I got nervous taking stars with cold medicine. Oh, that's the whole party. That's the whole party. Listen, you popped, I think, a little half a glass of NyQuil with some rocks. Oh, my God. A couple fucking rocks would taste of fucking gin in that motherfucker, and you eat two stars, the fucking flu goes away.

There's a thing my old father-in-law used to make. As soon as you got sick, as soon as you said, I don't feel good, he would put, like, brandy. Hot toddies, right? No, no, something Polish, like brandy and honey and lemon juice and paprika and fucking celery sticks and fucking, it tasted terrible, but you did one shot. First of all, you lasted like 20 minutes after that. You went down, down. I don't care how much crystal meth you have.

You're going down from this drink. I would just drool and shit. And then I never had it again. I don't know what the fuck it's called. He used to call it something Polish. And it just knocked the shit right out of you. Knocked the shit right out of you. Fuck you.

Listerine. Everything was in there. It was like four ounces. I had that neurovirus over Christmas. It was terrible. Where did you get it from? I got it from, I think, one of the, I did a show up in Syracuse at that funny bone. You know, you meet and greet after.

I think one of the savages up there gave it to me. You know, handshake. By the time I got home, it's fine. Two days later, I'm out to dinner with Ari. I go home. I start to throw up. I text him. I go, is this, you feel bad?

He goes, no. So I'm like, fuck, I got it. Just out the ass, the mouth, the whole thing. Then everyone else down the line gets it. It was terrible. People have no idea how sick you get from traveling every week. If you let it get your end, if you get sick one week, and you have like two weeks after that, by the time you get back, you got full-on bronchitis and soft pneumonia.

I always tell you people that I learn from other comics. You know, I learned. I saw him get sick all the time. Ralphie Mae, in the beginning. He would get sick all the time. Guess what he was doing? Smoking a pipe with people. Yeah.

And every week you go into these different areas, and he was getting this jungle right out of his lungs. He ended up in the hospital. Fuck. I love smoking weed, but I tell you what, if I got a busy week, like if I'm shooting something, I don't smoke weed with people on the road. I can't take the fucking chance because they don't give a fuck.

Yeah. They don't give a fuck about your life. They give a fuck about going to the show and meeting you, I don't blame them, but you have to consider if you had bronchitis for three fucking weeks. Yeah. And you come to the show, don't smoke a joint with me, dog. Don't smoke a joint with eight people. Don't pass a pipe around.

You know better than that. I know. They just don't want to lose the experience. After the three hits, then they cough from the bronchitis. And then they look at you and they go, I had bronchitis with three weeks. And you're like, fucking thank you. You're fuck. Now I'm not going to smoke with nobody because of you.

Because all it needs is one bad apple to spoil a whole bunch. Especially joints. Yeah. Joint balls you can kind of I don't mind doing it in front of people when you kind of burn the ends and shit But no yeah, but you're still in it Listen, would you trust me? I eat fucking chicks I don't know You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I don't trust nobody

I smoke a pipe at someone there was a girl I smoked a couple weeks ago I'm like how many dicks is this chick suck the last month? I'm over here I'm a dick sucker by proxy just from smoking from this fucking thing What's up Lisa at? Oh my god, I feel like I'm already going through change I don't know what those fucking chocolates dude. Whoa. Oh, man. I saw him sweating his head sweat.

He took off his jacket. Oh, my God. I don't know. You guys. Because you know why? This is why. You fuck around the real weekend. I tell you to go deep on Friday and Saturday. You're in training and you fuck around.

Steve, I did 1150 mill of those. This is 1,500. We're doing tonight. Right. This is like watching Michael Phelps and his trainer. So many laps we're doing this week We're doing this all the fucking time

But you on the weekend You fuck around You get soft You're not doing your shit You have to take another star now Another star, all right A penalty of star penalty It's a star penalty

For fucking around this weekend Instead of training I ain't everything I even ate the 50 milligram stars I had this weekend I had like 10 blue ones in the draw That were older than fuck Gummy you got a fucking

How do they catch You just throw it up in a minute I caught it landed right on oh my god stuck to him dog he's like fucking uh what's that guy when we were kids the receiver from oakland less than the molester he used to spray himself down with that spray before the NFL slippery whatever's that they like the shit sticks oh the oh the stick him stuff oh my god lee this guy put a video on lester the molester the molester yeah then the ball would like stick right to him i think it stuck to his helmet one time that was it that was like dog you

got to stop it what should i search lester the molester no lester hayes was like that pine tar stuff this stuff that George Brett went nuts about all over his shirt couple years ago he can't even he hasn't even out of work the computer right when the back when the best dance sports show was on rich Williams great kid remember rich one yeah rider this kid from syracuse as a matter of that George Brett came on the show and they wrote a sketch of me and George Brent really happened and it was me in the dugout eating a sunday with hot fudge and it went all over the bat that was the pine tar He was a good dude, too.

He was a good dude, too. I laughed at him. So funny, how I started on that show with those guys. They contacted me. The pay was garbage, but it was enjoyable. Like, I got to meet Sugar Ray Leonard. They dressed me up like Roberto Duran. And then, like, go down there and insult him.

And Sugar Ray Leonard, he's been punching the head 18 times. He couldn't fucking tell at first. You could see he was looking at me going, is this really Roberto? What the fuck? Yeah, man. Lee, what's going on over there? It's right here. Here we go.

Watch how he play. Like a stick them. Yeah, this was it. This was, this is crazy shit, people. For people, don't know, it was like a thing that you sprayed on you. This is a fucking movie. This is what I'm talking about people. This is what I'm talking about there.

Lester Hayes, please. I put it in Lester Hayes, look. No, Lester fucking Hayes, please. This Falco, you see Hayes there? There's got to be a Lester fucking Hayes here. I'm telling you. Lester Hay right there, Mosston. Rating Raiders, right?

So I'll put on top. There it is. Watch this, Lee, you're gonna fucking learn something. See what I'm saying? This is my life. Yeah, but they're not going to show like the stick-em catches

and the most intimidating Raiders part. Well, what do you think of the show? They're going to show, look at this guy. Look at the, just looking at them, you'd be scared, Lee. What happened to the video?

What happened to the screen? The TV's stolen. That's a nice stolen TV, though. You've got to say. You're going to steal one. Look at them. Look at how you would get. Yeah.

Look at this shit on his ankles, Lee, you know what that is? Look at how he was a great athlete. He was a great athlete no matter what. Everyone's hand, look at his hands. The stickums all over the people's hands. But look at him. He was a great athlete.

The stickum helped him just a little bit. Like if a ball got hit and they threw up in the air and they would land on his shoulder, that's how the stickum was shooting. They say those gloves now that they wear now, Odell Beckham. They're basically made of stick them. Yeah, the black ones. The black leather ones that you put on. They're so shiny and shit.

When I used to work at the puddle car wash in Boulder, those guys, somebody at that university, was just robbing those gloves by the boxes. I must have had 20 of those pairs of boxes at the gloves at the house, not boxes, I'm sorry, 20 of those gloves, and they were like those black gloves that the receivers were. Everybody at the car wash wore them. And the fucking people from the university would come there and go,

why does everybody, did we pay for these? University of Denver all over the fucking. No, Boulder. Boulder, yeah. So Boulder had them, and they had them like in home colors, I think, like black and gold. I don't know. Like, if they saw you, like, the gold ones, people would say, don't let them see you with the gold. But in those days, that's how those students, that's how those football players made a living.

Yeah. They stole shit and sold them. Memorabilia, statues. What are you using them for the car wash, though? What do you mean? Well, how do you got to keep your hands? Dry. So you would wipe the cars down.

And then just to be cool, if you were like me, I'm like me, I'm. I was a fucking salesman at the car watch. I was no fucking. I had dried windows for about a week. And that was a horrible job. Horrible. I got that job like November 20th. And I kept that job till like fucking January 10th.

And then right before the Super Bowl, I got indoors at a detail body shop. But I was at the puddle out there. I started. It's cold too. And I had a license. and they wouldn't let me drive. Why?

There was a kid they paid just to drive. To pull the cars out, put them into spots. Right. And he was Mr. Cool. He had the hat. Like, everybody knew who he was. Did you have to crack him off pieces of your tips? Fuck that.

I would steal tips. Anybody who gave me money, I belong to me, bitch. If I saw you out there with two bucks in the ticket, I'd work my angle. So I was right there. Oh, thank you. Sometimes I put a dollar in. Sometimes I keep a dollar, you know. You know, there was always an angle there.

That was a sad thing. Everybody was fucking stealing. That place must have made millions of dollars because when I was a kid and I worked at, I found out shit that everybody was robbing that place. It's amazing. Car washes are a really great business to just make money. Oh, it's a cash business.

It's a cash cow. My friends had one in Hoboken when I was growing up. It's a cash cow. If you get it, the salesman is the whole thing. Really? That guy at the window, see, the ones around here, guys why would you hire these Mexican dudes if they can't speak which one do you want

yeah yeah give me the regular give me the sure you don't want the 1695 dog I would work you to p for pieces four extra bucks you get the whole tires and I'm gonna give me the car wash and the the basic car washes is shit it's 695 I'm gonna charge you 695 for the basic car wash but I'm also gonna do this I'm gonna throw the waxen I'm gonna throw the air rust inhibitor which was nothing rust inhibitor is like fucking what is They spray out of it. Under the car to shield it against salt and rock.

Yeah. I'm going to spray stuff on your rim. I'm going to arm roll it in and out nice. I'm going to try. You know, I would work them. Let me throw in this. Let me throw in that because you figured out what cost nothing. What cost nothing?

You know, I went to the boss from the angle. Let me ask you a lawyer. What can I throw in here and make people? No, no. I didn't even ask them because they're too stupid. Yeah. They're still going, they're still working in the 70s. I had them showing Joey Dia style.

You know what I'm saying? Joey Dia style is. I'm taking it from a different perspective. You know, when you sell cars, when you sell cars in Denver, Colorado, you go for gross. What is gross? The amount over the invoice. You know, if the sticker says $20,000,

and we own the car for $17.5, I make a living off me making you believe that that cars were $20,000. If I sell you that car correctly, you're going to get for a little discount just to let your friends know. But if I sell that car correctly to you, and if I show you the lighters and I take an hour with the bell

look at this blinker this is worth $2,000 right here. You know what I'm saying? Like if you sell the car with value, you could make gross. In New York, it's such a whore town. When I worked, I didn't work for the Potamkins.

The Potamkins or the thieves in New York City. But there was these little, yeah, the Polamkins, you know that. Whenever you know about the Daily News, Potampkin always got a Cadillac on special. $1.99. down $199 a month wait till you get there you leave there with 300 a month and a fucking beat in the black eye you were there for 18 hours your mother bought a car

to use your son social they don't give a fuck over there at potapkel at least that was how it was 20 years ago that's where you went to work yeah when you wanted to make money and not have a soul there was a lot of those places Douglas Toyota when I worked at Douglas Toyota listen 87 88 9091 they were salesman making 12 grand a month these guys were making eight bucks an hour people like 12 grand a month Joe I make that selling shoot yet listen these guys would be robbing people or making eight bucks an hour yeah they're making 12,000 a month now those guys had no conscience they yes you did that then they give you to a closer that's

the place to sell Douglas if known what I know now I'd bet anybody who's 21 call me go to Douglas if it's still a line of closer you just get him wet and you got no responsibility how you doing steve what's happening boomer what are you looking again i'm gonna tell you on a salad i really enjoy listen let's do let me ask you question are we gonna buy a car today you shop and well i don't know no no no before i put you in the car are you considering because i'm gonna work hard for you i'm gonna fight this fucking this guy here this is trump's nephew you know what I'm gonna go in and hit him with a stick no protesting no talk no about you take him for the ride you bring him back in new york you don't make money from

that you make money from accessories and financing. Oh, the up packages and stuff? The rims, the fucking alarms. The things that come out on the sides. Yes. Alarms, the things on the side. And the TVs in the bag. They give you a taste of financing in New York.

Yeah. Which a lot of people don't do. They want the whole package. So they want you to sell financing from the jump. How are you going to pay for this? Steve, someone. The credit union, what's the rate of your credit union? I'm sure, we work with 100 bucks.

If you credit's solid, I know 100 people. We work with 100 banks. Yeah, 100 banks. I put one fucking button in now, and it's like utopia. It's like if you want a hooker and you press a button now, I'm 22 fucking hookers to pop up on your computer. Same thing. I got 100 fucking banks. And you tell them to give you your rate.

You're going to lie, and I'm going to lie. You're going to say, it's nine, but you're going to say, I'm out 8.5. I'll beat it. But if I got your eight today right now with the low down payment, let you keep a thousand, user for your son's fucking football team give it to the nun let's show you

a little nunly pussy whatever the fuck it is the nunly pussy that's the new one it's yeah it's a nun's pussy so you made money off a percentage on that shit so how do you make money

if you're the before the closer like do you have to they have to sell the car or are you just getting paid just for doing that okay the closer for the closer to come in you have to get a commitment okay what's the commitment I'm gonna buy this car, I just...

So you want to do $300 a month, boom. I really didn't say I want... $270 is what I really want to do. $2,000. All I got to do is this. I got to get you the down payment you want, the price on your trade that you want.

You get me that and then we'll go to this car. And then he'll do you. I have you sign all four boxes. I got a credit card from you and I bring it to a closer. I wish this fucking animal luck. And I seconded to a guy who's been beating women for the last 30 years of his life.

Two divorce. It's eight divorces. He doesn't really... That's eighth in his softball team. He fucking ate himself. Six rehabs. Rob one of them at gunpoint. This guy comes in and just torments you to death.

Before, I mean... And then he brings you to... You need the gas and go package? The whole thing. The whole thing. And then he brings it a chick that does the whole introduction to the car. So you already sold another car. You're a king.

By the time that guy goes to F&I and then to the... In those days, they had girls. Hot girls that would show you everything about your car Explain the lease or the The payment plan who you paid it to Yeah, they don't have that anymore Yes, they do Well, not at the Volkswagen in Panorama City

They don't because it's very When you have that last customer service rep They make sure that you Listen to how select these dealers are They make sure that when you get your customer rating You bring it back to them and let them fill it out And I not only buy you tank of gas but I also throw those rims you like that because that's the most

important thing the customer service index is the most important thing and the most important thing the white people because white people go on there and they see your custom service index is down they don't do business with you wait the certain white people before you know this is before you it was almost like what was that service it's business consumer business this is before you up no no no no and they still got it now When you buy a car, a dealer will send you a fucking thing. Because that score lets you know whether you'll get certain cars. If you treat your customer shitty, they ain't going to send you all the cars you are.

They're going to give you a shitty fucking allotment of the cars. They're going to send you red cars and orange cars, convertibles. The lime green one no one wants. Nobody fucking wants. You have to have a high customer rating now, man. You really do. It's got to be like extraordinary. When I do business with this Subaru, they go above and beyond.

That's why I've gotten four cars from them. I'm on my fourth or fifth or six cars from the valley right there. Yeah? Van Nuys, Bruce, he comes to my shows, he calls, you know. That's why. I just call him and go, I'm coming up. When, Thursday at three, have a car ready for me. Let's do it.

Boom, I walk in, no down payment because I just go from lease to lease to lease. Yeah. I'm an American dog. When I sold cars, I learn more about life than anything ever. You know, when you, there's certain companies you work with that you tell them, I'm going to pay this down payment one time, but I'm going to get one of these every three years. Yeah. I'm just coming. I'm going to call you at one.

I'm going to pick the car before. It's watched this fully guess. I signed four papers. That's what happened. I'll see in three years. After a while, they'll know. You just tell them. That's how I want to do business.

Listen, whatever. And now you're a valued customer. You're always going to get a lease from them every fucking three years. You're going to go to their service department. You know you're gonna work it they work with you bro I've always bought cars I've never leased a car No no no no more that ends that ends now can you write off a lease a little bit on your taxes a ton of shit Because I'm talking you pay for what you yeah why are you paying for the whole thing Look what's going on with society today look what's going on with my man here ever since I've known my man

He's broken down for me and then between him and my other brother They'll fucking sit you down and talk you 22 ways why you up to cut cable today. Yeah. And what the scam is and what the source they do, they cut it all the way down. They got Chinese, Lee's got Chinese cable that's got stolen from the Israelis and they get shipped through New Jersey, okay? And then he gets like HBO go for $3 a month. He gets the ESPN package with his little fucking things. No HBO, he doesn't need. Ask him. That's the today's American. These kids are watching TV for $25 a month and there's Americans still paying $100 for cable. That's me though. I'm the American. Me too. My dad's

on my password. I get on Hulu sometimes. I go, who's watching the sneaky Pete's without me? How good is it? My dad, I just won in, but my dad's like, I go, you got to go back to the one that I was on. It's one account. You can't just keep moving. He's five ahead.

My entire family is all my accounts, too. My mom watches like Gilmore Girls. I'm like, who's watching Gilmore Girls? This kid eliminated the cost of this television. Yeah. Okay, so the same. I'm paying $180 bucks a month. I'm a I love TV. When I first got a TV in my room, because I wasn't allowed to through my entire life, I didn't sleep.

I had ESPN, the Sports Center, the bars on the left, I had it burned into my TV because I would just have it on all night. And I haven't had cable for about two and a half years. It was still, you haven't. I haven't had cable. I've had Netflix. I have Cody a little bit, but not really even that much. I have Amazon, C-Syso for some specials. And then a lot of the other stuff you can just buy on demand now.

Well, you lease what depreciates and you own what appreciates. So whatever loses money, why would you buy? I buy $20,000 for a car. I go down the corner, it's worth $18 already. Now, I just got 20 Gs in this fucking car. Okay, then you have the option of financing. If you have great credit, you go down and put a percentage down and get like a cheap union rate or something, six points,

and you can save money that way to build a building. your credit or whatever but after a while and I learned to selling cars you want the most car for the least amount of money when I used to pencil people which means when I go to my manager for Steve Run is easy yeah if Steve told me that if he kept saying 250 to like the best deal ever like as an American to fucking my brother like my mother came to me in 1980 yeah 990 in that time and said to me Papa What kind of car would you hook me up with? Nissan at one time had a deal on the medium car.

What's that rocket ship in the middle? Ultima. Ultima? No, bigger than that one. Maxima? Yeah, yeah. What? Maximum.

Nissan Maxima. Nissan Ultima. Maxima. When I was fucking selling cars, they had a deal that you can only, unless you're fucking stupid, you wouldn't go down there. first of all when you buy a car you own the car for five years not the five years

then you own the fucking car so for five years the bank owns that fucking note by the time you own that car you don't even want that fucking car no more it smells like your ex-girlfriend used to blow you in the car she's not with another guy you know it's ridiculous but now we have so much invested that we want

the most out of this car and our mind this car is worth all this money and then we go try to sell it and it ain't worth that Now we're stuck with that fucking car. Listen, as an American, you want to trade your car in every three years. Every three years. 15,000 a year. Bam, I don't do no more driving than 15,000 a year no more. Do you?

Now, not really. No, since when? Our driving days are over. Well, San Diego is the only place we drive. I don't go San Francisco. No, no. You fly to San Francisco. So if you keep your mileage now, why buy when you can rent?

That's all our lease is. So now, instead of you paying, in $450 a month, I'm going to give you the same car for $300 a month. But 36 motherfucking month. You know $4,000 you've got to put down and get that number? Put $2,500 back in your pocket. Just give me $1,500

down. Really? And in three years, you come in here and fucking get another three. Talk to your account. It may not work for you. But Abe Lincoln, the great Abe Lincoln said, lease what appreciates and, no, own what

appreciates and lease what depreciates. And lease what depreciates. Fuck you, Blankin. I can think you're dealing with it. That was his... So here's my question. That's where I come to the church.

I've been leasing. This is my second lease. And both times I've paid for the extra miles. Please, thank you. I've paid for the extra miles. And you never get it. Well, I got closed mostly. But now I live so close to where I am most of the time.

I think I did under $10,000 last year. So like, but then someone was telling you. But you fuck up because this fucking guy gets a call from them. This is how they get you. They get these fucking dudes. They call him after the lease is two years old. And they say, come down. We got too much inventory.

Give us your car. When I still got out of year? And you go down there, that's why they fuck with the numbers. I don't fuck with the numbers. Oh, really? Yeah, I wait to three years. You dropped the car off. Now I got it so good.

I dropped the car off. Okay? They cut me a check for the miles. And when I get a bill from Subaru, I send them that check. You know how many bills I've got from Subaru? Really? Dog, it pays to be loyal with one company.

That's it. I don't care if it's BMW. You lose a BMW, the shitty one, the three, just because you want to be cool. It's very cheap. That's why you see thousands of fucking BMWs, because people go down and they go, and I want to buy a BMW.

And all of a sudden they go, you know what the number is on that? It's this every month. It's a small nickel, you know what I'm saying? Plus you're 21. All right. You're 21. What do you think insurance is going to bang you? That's another G-Bow a month. You're paying fucking 16 just to drive the car. Why are you killing yourself to me? Do me a favor. My dad always bought the cars and then even given down to the kids and stuff. My kids aren't going to want these fucking cars. No. Every three years, you got a new fucking rocket shit. And when your kids ready for a thing, you put them on a scooter, you know, fuck it. You put them on one of those Italian scooters with a fucking hell. A little Vespa. Yeah, a little Vespa. Beaping the people, cutting people. people long hammer hanging out how is it being a dad in balancing your career it's I

mean it's tough um what's the long as you've been away from a month oh Jesus Christ yeah where'd you go I did a movie in Shreveport for it was like three and a half weeks this yeah 20 week 20 days 20 days 25 days it was tough at this point my life I think it's four days and I don't yeah I think it's four days and I would lose it without. I just... I think if I came to it right now and I was like, hey, I got something, a movie that shoots in London for 10,

they need me for 10 days. I think 10 days would be okay. Two weeks would get like an eye roll. Like, I remember going on the road for six weeks in the row. I leave Thursday and I come back Sunday. Yeah. Like, there's a Nick game I want to go see. Yeah.

And take one of my boys in the city and grew up together. You know, take them go from Kalamara, and rooties and shit. Yep. Smoke a few joint. Give them a few. stars and take them to the fucking nickname oh that's perfect to the garden you know but that means i got to be away from them for all week yep i can still train jiu-jitsu tuesday and wednesday i go to niac

how is that club the levity live yeah nice it's in the mall it's the malls to hold everybody thing cool how close to the thing down the down the it's a highway in between so it's like two eggs are off the highway you know that it's right by the tapancy bridge that's the one thing i don't know if you going to drive there from taking jfk but drive up you see that you drive over the new tapancy bridge almost it's right next to it the tapancy bridge was one of the worst bridges well they just rebuilt in the fucking country they were scared for years yeah for years people living in fear going over that fucking thing no one never told me this i went over the tap i saw the documentary a few years ago they so they built a new one right next to it so they're almost they're done with it so then they're

going to blow up to tap and z well that was a kid i don't know we used to get on 9W and stop by the Henry Hudson Parkway Is it that no 9W on the Jersey side So you go up You go to Fort Lee You go behind Fort Lee

Kind of sort of correct me people You know it's been fucking 20 something Fucking years And you go up and you pass some car dealerships You pass the old bicycle club You pass like Englewood Mazda and whatever You just keep going straight

And also you get on the road 9W and you go up 9W when you go up 9 W and 9 W. You went for Jesus Christ, you're worse than fucking Ari Shafir and Mike Kessler. You went up there and on Saturday nights there was a place called the Kukuz Nest. We were seniors in high school.

And we would get fucked up, do powder and go, let's go for a ride. And four Puerto Ricans are getting a car and we all shoot up to the Kukuz Nest and shit. And I'll never forget the Hindu. This stuck on. The dog guy was a Hindu with a wig. Like, you couldn't write this.

You understand me? Not just the top piece. What kind of wig? Like the wig, like the whole thing. Like this, the sideburns. But it was a 10G, 15G wig in 1982. This thing was Persian. You know what I'm saying?

This was fucking beautiful. And he had a goatee. And he was very nice, you know. And I had some, Monday night football. They'd give you, you know, this is nice. 1882 people, 81, they'd give you six beers for a dollar, a bucket.

In a bucket. Fill with ice. You'd go up there on Monday nights, wings leave. Wings in half time, right? Oh, wings all night. And those days, Monday night football was a thing. Pisses me off more as this is how bad this country is. We lost Monday night football.

I know, Joe, you've talked about it before. No, you don't. Monday night football was so strong. know motherfuckers who got eight balls on Monday nights. My dad, well, hooker, not hookers, but strippers are coming half time.

Guys, I'm telling you, you people lose and strippers. I know motherfuckers that wouldn't go out on Friday. I know motherfuckers that would get the schedule. For Monday night football to plan their weekends. They take their wives out on Friday night. I'm going out on Friday night.

We're going out Friday night. But you know what? Can you just watch Monday night? I got to get a little early. I got to bring some food. People got fired because of Monday night football. The totals were insane First of all, you stayed up to watch it

You know, if you're a kid in New England You're 13 During the... It's the last game against the Jets And they go to the playoffs Lys Ayat is staying up until 1 in the morning Watching overtime The game starts at 9

Yeah The game starts at 9 in New York You know, that's where people In the 6 o'clock We're so lucky it starts at 6 of you I know By 9 we go out and do our thing Back there you gotta wait till 9

By 730 What about with baseball, not to change the subject, but with baseball, when the East Coast team played a West Coast team and it started 1030, 11 o'clock, sometimes a rain delay? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no. When I was a kid, all those, like, when the Knicks played the Seattle, the Seattle Super Sonics, yeah. Same thing. Yep. Like, it would come on like a 10-th century. We're turning into W-O-R right now.

Yep. But Monday lost, I remember people eating quite. Lee, we would bar hot. just that we would go up there on Mondays but my all-time favorite was the place in Englewood, not Englewood clips something Lee, it was a chain and on Monday nights they put meatballs up

and wings Dude, half-time bounties are the best. If you got a, and all you had to do is get like a picture of beer and they gave you like a knife or four and a plate, Lee, and you just tore up wings for four quarters, endless. Blue, this was way before ranch was invented. Nobody used ranch in those days.

It was straight up blue cheese. They had like a little salad which nobody touched. Nobody touched that salad. And you would go there, eat those wings with a gram of Coke burn the hole in your pocket. This is your last meal for the next day and a half and shit. Fucking gold jackets. Oh my God, there'd be piles of wings. I just love that.

Just to remind everyone in case you have any new listeners, this is in high school. This isn't like Joey's just turning 21 and in college. This is Joey in like sophomore. Here it is. No, no, this started maybe my junior year. I built these motherfuckers up. I can't remember the name, not bottom of the barrel. That was a mob bar.

This was something else. It was a chain, and it was in the middle of this thing, and people going in, we could get wings. Beefsteak Charlies? No, no, that was in New York City. Yeah, I had swordbust on the floor. This is the whole thing. Beefsteak Charlie wasn't bad those days.

You'd stab the beef. Someone called my mom a cunt at Besteak Charlies, and my dad hit him. beef steak, Charlie was light trashed. Oh, there was fucking fistfights in there. The steak was always alive. It made some type of noise.

Well done. The baked potato was older than fuck. That aluminum four was from like 1910. Pittsburgh wasn't he fucking on the map yet. Oh my God, that place stunk. But you know what, dog? For 20 bucks, you ain't like a fucking doctor. You could bring your whole family.

God, you were like a savage. You get the buckets. I never saw fist fights, but I did hear about fist fights. In the parking lot. When they gave crab legs out, white people would go bananas in those days. Like a discount steakhouse? Yeah, it was like a beefsteak Charlie. Oh my God.

And the guy. People say like stuff is bad now, but at least marketing has gotten better. Beefsteak Charlies was the bomb. 10 cent wings. When we were in high school football, we'd go there. Oh, my God. Yeah. But I was just reading something today.

I wasn't reading for 2017. It was one of those slideshows, and they said they have, like, free food at a bunch of bars in New York. Like, you can just go in and with, like, every drink you'll get a, like, a slice of pizza. Really? Or on, like, Fridays, one place has, like, a wing buffet. And I never see that anywhere. Like, do you remember that? I know you've talked about, like, the sandwiches at Joe and Mary's, but, like, for a frame.

When I was growing up on that side of Jersey, I could look in the face and tell you, any place you went into, had something on the bar. food-wise. In the 70s, you always had something on the bar. I used to go to this one place. In Union City, my friend's uncle worked there. And I never think of going down there, like on a Tuesday night, watching college basketball, six people at the bar. And he come home with you.

You're hungry. I can eat something. Yeah. And he came back with mortadella and head of cheese on Cuban crackers. What? With some cervases? Are you fucking kidding me? Who shows up with mortadella, Adam cheese on Cuban crackers?

This guy was Irish. He was as Irish as they came. Fuck, yeah. You know, those type. There was places where... They always had some, yeah, like food thing in the back. That Chan's place I talk about. They're legendary because they were professionals.

Yeah. If you went to the bar during the week and that bartender was there and he took a blast from you and he let you karate chop him and all that shit. That was the, that was the micaw. That was the other place. The bartender, you gave him $10 to let you karate chop him from the time. time to time come on over here and he go okay he even give you his neck he even give you his neck though this is my friend roger used to karate chop but back to monday

football i built the relationship with this restaurant i would walk in there every monday night with four or five six deep and we eat 200 wings but leave a 20 we leave a 20-hour tip we never got into no fast fights or nothing so for maybe a year and a half i had a relationship up there. They trusted me. Go back to 1985. I would mug you for a dollar, right? I would walk in there and they would still go, hey, hey, hey, hey, I would eat wings, have a couple margaritas, maybe a salad, maybe a bloody marry, and I'd take the check, I'd leave a 10 on the table, and I'd run out of there with the check. Really? I did that every fucking week. I'll have my brother calling him, George. George goes, no, he was great. I would actually go to up to the manager with the tab, wrinkled up in my hand and talked to him. Like, no shit. Yeah.

Service was sensational. I guess before computers, you could do that. Yeah. This is all before computers. This is way, and, you know, I was so good at, that,

that was my high point of disgusting fevery. You know what I was doing? High point or low point? High point. That's when I was at the most disgusting of my thievery career. Yeah.

I couldn't rob big places. I would walk into, buildings with a suit on and rob like a bank box from a fucking under a desk, like an office building. The secretary would get up to go pee. I go right in there, going to the draw and there would be the cash box. You never know. Sometimes it's $8. Sometimes it's $800.

You know what I'm saying? Got to take a chance. Better than sitting on the couch looking for quarters. You're coming down the elevator with a cash box? You don't know how many jackpots I had. That I would walk off the elevator, walk out of the building, the security guard. Be right there and I go, oh, Jesus Christ. but I'd have a suit on.

Yeah, you look professional. I'd have a fucking briefcase. I remember I used to have a briefcase. This, like, this leather doctor's pouch. I used to go to the safeway in the mornings in Fort Lee. And the overstock, they would hide it under the shelves and on top of the product. So the big product in those days was yeast infection paste. If you took it in the paste, you put on your yeast infection.

If you took it into upper man. in the Harlem, the beginning, they'd give you a top dollar for those tubes. So every morning, I would fucking go over there on the way over the city. This is my creepiness. This is even a... I was doing comedy and doing this.

Oh, you kid? 1990 fucking three, I was pulling this scam with a suit on every morning just to get into the city. I would leave my house with zero. That's a true business man. You're going out. Listen, don.

You find this job on Craigslist? I was on a discipline. I would leave the house with zero dollars and had to get into New York City to Midtown and have breakfast and get some way score and some way score joint something

you know what and in my mind I knew if I get into the city and get downtown I could score breakfast put it on the arm at Nicky the Greeks you know what I'm saying? Like new people along the way you had eaten there so Yeah but how are you gonna Okay how are you gonna get all those

I would put a suit I get up in the morning Hop the turn show Put the fucking thing and no no no no I'm a professional I would walk right the safe way Look around the shelves. There'd be no security at 7 in the fucking morning They don't come up until about 8, 9 o'clock Nobody's robbing them at 7 in the morning Who do you think you're dealing with you got to be first like I would start setting the book? I'm walking up and down

I take the first flight and I take two fucking yeast infection boxes Whatever and there was something else they wanted Like they didn't want Tylenol they buy from you all any of those aspirins They buy from you but they wouldn't give you a top dollar There was two things that were top dollar yeast infection juice yeah so I would take whatever I always go for the yeast infection juice and in those days in a suit Lisa I had 32 whatever I was I would walk over the new George Washington Bridge walk over it walk over I did that 3,000 times walk over it that's a big

that's a long bridge a long bridge not really a mile and a half yeah really I would take me fucking fucking business suit business suit I had the whole scam I go to the bodega or not just take the bus they give me because why waste you got a change a dollar 50 had zero dollar he's already the only way I could get on that bus is if I got on didn't pay those buses that you pay on the way off and run out the back door one of my three yeah I'm saying one of my man's in a business suit I'm in a business suit I got like like what you know what I'm saying no one ever thought you gonna jump off the side I've always I don't like that shit no no I'd I did it all the time and I'd walk under and I'd walk like two blocks into like one 80th and then

There was a bodega there. You walked in. You put your product down. The guy would say 35, 25, now I got too much of this. Give me $10. Okay. Boom, whatever.

60 bucks. That's all I needed to get the party started. 60 bucks. I'd walk two blocks south over the bro. There's a Cuban joint. Fuck it, it's 8 in the morning. Good enough for Cuban food. I'd bang out a Cuban sandwich

and potato or a me. You know what I'm saying? Then I take like a three block walk past the Presbyterian, the upper Manhattan, whatever that is. And I'd hop on the phone. fucking a train the express downtown back boom there I am

another fucking little hike but before that hike I take a little detour because there's a guy that sells nickel bags really like $15 baggues what the fuck he's saving me a little joint all the way up town you know what I'm saying my favorite is that he had two breakfasts before at 8 a.m. He had his breakfast in the city got to get ready no no I didn't have nothing

I left the house with hunger oh with hunger I thought you had breakfast in the morning in the city there was no break no I would have I would have I said you could go to downtown and do that there yeah I would always stop and get Cuban food a little early. You get a Cuban steak sandwich. My favorite in those days is a cheese omelet with crinkle-cut fries and white toast or butter

on that motherfucker with a Coke, with ice cubes in that motherfucker. Forget the water. I don't want no water. If I want water, I'll tell you. Get that fucking contamination away from me. I never drank water back there. Really? Fuck no.

What was it? Was there like a thing where people were like where they're afraid of the water? You're just like, no. I drink water. I'm surrounded by the best of the world. In 1993, Schnapple used to make this drink. What was it? If you remember, Schnapple had this drink.

Schnapple had this drink. If all the other drinks are 16 ounces, the big ones. No, Schnapple had an 8 ounce, special vitamin, clear drink that tasted really sweet and delicious. Special vitamin. I love them. He said, who you think you're dealing with, Joey Bananas? This is 1993, and they discontinued them, but you wake up all coked up, and that's what you were for. I get one of those and I'd be ready to go.

I'm a shnapple, you know what I'm saying? That's amazing. I've never heard him make this thing smaller. I had the smaller ones in the old. This is one of the fat lady first head. Oh, yeah. Did the thing have the little fact at the top? Still think, a little bottle, all fruit, natural drink, energizer.

This was way before they had ginseng into the son. People lost their mind. In those days, people were still on gingsig. Nobody was dead. I'm with the Chinese, you fuck. Ginkzing. Schnapple. Is that because you were hanging out at like

Hashways and you just like solid deliveries? Like how do you know all these weird drinks? And there was only two places that had that Schnapp. One of them was Ashwates. And the other one was a little fucking lottery place. In Cliffside Park, maybe Fairview on that fucking street there. Oh my God.

And you would go in there and get like a lottery ticket. And they had them. There was a little eight-ounce ones. And how I knew was, because when I used to hook up with my boy, we'd go into the city of Connect. I'd always go, let's go and pick up two shnapples

to get the night starting on the right foot. You get that little juice inside you, and I think it really harm you. Where'd you grow up, brother? Who's that me? I'm gonna, uh, a little producer extraordinaire. And it's,

fucking consulting for the stars. Samo. Riggins and shit. I grew up on Long Island. Did you really? Yeah. Where? Close to those clubs? Smithtown.

Smithtown. So Suffolk County. We're about like 20 minutes into Suffolk County. Is that where you were born? That's where I was born, yeah. So it was, you know, it was very suburban, but we, you know. You know, when I was a kid, my mom. We did special K.

Did you? Did you hear that stuff special? It was a carrot. What year was this? This is high school 90 to 95. Special K. Then 95 to 99 was high school. It was college for me.

So like the 90s were the drugs that we did. special K I didn't really fuck with that stuff but it was because I heard it was horse tranquilizer

but our weed was decent and it wasn't really did coke but now when you go back they called sniff town

coke heroin all day long because pills took over hey did anybody wants that fucking ESPN

about the kid from Boston no no no no what's his name oh no the white

oh the white kid oh shit did you see that I watched it man me and my That boy could fucking... Shoot. Yeah.

And school... Bro, that boy... What was his name? Chris Heather? Something like that. He comes around his schools. He talks about heroin and all that stuff now. When he got to the Celtics and he would go to his boys outside and get fucking heroin for pills.

That's who I want on the podcast, Lisa. Yeah, that's a good one. Because that guy tells the truth. He told the story about doing meth for five days. And all of a sudden the cops were behind them. And he goes, oh, my God. Thank God. Because he thought people were chasing him.

He goes, I went to the cops like fucking, oh, thank God you hear. These five guys are chasing me. It was the most, like I felt it. Like, I couldn't take my eyes off. And I was supposed to be watching something else. And I was like, cancel that. This is what I'm watching.

Remember he was talking about going outside during like half time of that Celtics games? The fucking Celtic game. Is that true? You heard, you were growing up and all this was going on. I don't remember from then. I saw this. This is an older 30 for 30. I've seen this a year or two ago.

It was really good. It's crazy. Well, especially, I don't know. You don't think it's going to be a nice-looking white guy. You just don't, most of the time, when you think about that affecting someone and it just destroyed his life. Getting clean and going back home and losing it again. Like, listen, as soon as I saw it and he had it under control, I knew this didn't have nothing like this. I was there.

I was there. I went to prison. You understand me? I had it under control too until three days. Who was like, it took like a day and a half? To get under control.

Like, seriously, you know how shamed I am of that? Like, I just came out of the penal fucking code. I learned my lesson, but you know what? I'm going for a fucking taste. You think about that.

That's fucking crea. But you know it. It's your pattern, bro. And when they sent them home, he was done. Done. Once you go home, you're done.

You're back to those fucking Hills. I mean, he was in, like, Fresno. Yeah. Upstate California. Losing his mind in Fresno. You know, going fucking deep. He, he was homeless. I mean,

it was a good one. It went for real. No, that shit's real, man. The kids at home, he was going to call him and finally said no, and he went, he went to a rehab. Yeah. Pills and heroin were tough in the 90s, man. Oh, heroin's been tough.

for the last fucking 80 years, man. It's destroyed lives, man. Yeah. It really has. And, you know, it's nice to watch Bumpy Johnson on the day. I loved American gangster, and I loved all that shit. But I remember New York City in the late 60s and 70s. I remember going to my mom's dry cleaners,

and those were the bad people in those days. Those were the people that were going into your business, and those days with a gun, and go and give me your money with those people. that you'd see nodding on the corner waiting for the light that changed and all of a sudden they'd wake up and they'd look around and they'd straighten their faces.

Like zombies. And they'd walk across the street and then they'd stop again somewhere to smoke a cigarette and they'd fall half asleep and you would see this as a child. I saw this shit and like wow and my mom would call them tecatos. That's what you called heroin people in those days. Really?

Tecatos. That's, I mean it was so cheap. $3, $5. Done. Done, two, three times. You go downtown in those days to Chinatown. When I was a kid, I knew, I had a friend that mingled in heroin.

He wasn't like I didn't hang out with him. He was much older than me, you know what I'm saying? But I would go down there with him. And it was tremendous. It was tremendous because I was a kid and had a partner. And he would walk us into a bar and buy his beers and a bowl of cheese. chili and go, I'll be back. Order me something.

And he'd fucking leave. He'd go cop and he'd come back. And then he'd give us money and go, go across the street to Washington Square Park. And we'd walk across the street and we'd get up to eight values of $10 and come back. And then we'd eat the chili, drink the beer, and he dropped us back to Jersey. We were like his decoy. We worked with him. He was a plumber.

God rest his soul. He was my goom. I loved them. Quiludes is the one I wish. I never did a quailout, but I wish I could fucking. Tremend. Oh, I heard. Tremendous.

You're just like one or two and you just were fucking set. What happened was, again, like everything, see, the Kuelu, the fucking MVMA, the fucking Jerry's kid. What was it was, what were you doing in college? The special K. Special K. All that shit is just a, it's a different name for the same. Jerry's kids.

Yeah, it's a different name for the same similar product. Yeah. That they just mixed and added, you know, there was. What about ecstasy? Is that the same? Ecstasy. They added heroin to it. And it gives you this weird thing and people are dying, people sweating the death.

Who the fuck knows? You know, it always started with the same thing. The Kualaud was like a pharmaceutical thing. Yeah. But what happened was, this is interesting that you brought this out. What happened was people started pirating him. You know, Lee is a genius. Lee went they bought two Kualoos, took him, got so fucking high.

He goes, I want to know. I want in on this. He's a chemistry student. He's, I'm wasting my time, playing with fucking monkeys and fucking, you know, playing with mice. What do I give a fuck if a mice gets cancer? You know what I'm saying?

What's he had to do with Uncle Joey? I'm doing this to make a living. You know what I'm saying? He takes that fuck, they would take those quailards, break them down, however they do it chemically. I'm no fucking,

I don't know nothing about this shit. And they were poking. I mean, they were pirates. But what these motherfuckers didn't tell you what, these things, just a tad stronger than what you usually got. You know what I'm saying?

So here you are popping this pharmacy ones and you're having a cocktail because they already told you but when you got the fucking thing, I look you in the eye and I go, Lee, where are you going tonight? Me and Paula, we're going to go to a bar.

We're going to pop a quail. Listen, I'm going to tell you one fucking time. I have one cocktail and a glass of water and call a fucking Uber. Please, do me the favor. Promise me I'm not going to

fucking give you the school is lude. I promise, John. But these college kids said, fuck it. We can make the lude, make them for a dollar, sell them for two. They don't give a fuck. We make them for any cents and sell them for two. What are you nuts? You buy them for two, selling for four?

Hello? You walk into a bar in those days ago. You come up to a guy like me and go, Joey, tell me what you think. Pop it, and four minutes later, I got a cock. Because right away, you drink. Nobody ever did a quail and drink. water yeah anybody who did a quail even at four had a cocktail even at four in the afternoon we'll go hold on one second let me get the strongest whatever you got the bucket the

garage terminal juice oil whatever you got they pop a quaint and they get fucking lit like you just get lit but you got soft loose everything got really soft and all of a sudden you you started going in and out like you'd be there you'd be giggling and listening to the music But you'd be going in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out. Until finally, you just short-circuited. And then the next morning, you just wake up. Thirsty, a chick next to you. Some guy naked in front of you.

Like, it was that. It wasn't like that for me. Like, it happened a few times with those biscuits. I started eating my first... Why did I get my first quail-loafel? Because they stopped making them then, right? They just stopped. They outlawed them.

But now these genius kids, like, they only had the blueprint. They got the juice. Fuck you bitches. They got the blueprint. But here's the problem. Like I told them on the Joe Rogan podcast, from time to time, when these guys before they became fucking pill manufacturers, they didn't get the right table. Or they didn't look at the flooring.

Because now, all the tables, because the flooring was off, the tables are like this. So let me tell you what happens when your table is crooked. That means when they place the pill. on there to dry right whatever the fuck they're making the pills the juice drips down to the bottom right the quailoo juice just down to the bottom so these pills are fucking so those pills are fucking gorilla biscuits to the max and these other ones are kind of dut they'll get like a like a 16 year old high for an hour or two oh my god I did this quailer meanwhile some guy like me is like I didn't do

nothing to me right so now let me tell you what happens you're taking two of those ones down there they both go into the same gorilla mix and you settle them in the street. So 50 a guerrilla mix and 50 are just, uh, uh, right? Okay. So me and you were like, how do you know which one's gorilla mix? You never know. You don't know. This is the beauty of this. Me and you go out on a Friday night. Well, you listen, what are we doing today? We're going to Joe Marys. How much you got? I got 80. I got 75. What do you want to do? I don't know that. It's so ominous. What do you want to do with 155? And this guy's in the number.

nice guy. He would actually look me in the face and believe he go, man, listen, I don't want to get too fucked up. Let's just do a half gram. I knew I had him. I knew I had him right there. Right away. Just get what shirt. How much a half gram cost? 45. Just give me 20.

I haven't even paid for the first five because I got a fucking golfers. Put your money away. That's mine later. Don't worry about nothing. I hope you got a pencil and a paper for I owe you money. All right. And we take like a fucking, we

take like a $4.00 quailude, but it's a dud. It's one of the duds, right? So guys like you and me are professional were kind of high, but not really. Now we're kind of disappointed. You know what I'm saying? So we sit there, we drink a couple more fucking Lila, the bartender there, the one who had a wig and she had a dog that was like epileptic, we used to piss on them.

It was fucked up, right? She'd make you these vodka orange juices that were white. We were fucking 17. We were 17. These vodka armage juices just had a touch our arms used in the top. The rest was just fucking vodka. And we'd be blasting those things, and that quailu wouldn't hit us. It would hit us, but mildly.

Now we're going to look at them. We've got to go into emergency managers. We've got to pop the second one. So we take that second one, which is the gorilla biscuit of debt, and we popped that motherfucker. But that one takes a little while for hit us, and that time, Flacco shows up. What do you got?

What are you holding? Give me another one. Give them the money. Don't worry about none. I catch you Tuesday. Now we're in the bathroom. In the middle of all this, boom, we get hit with the quang of the debt.

Now you're at the bar that Vaucus burping in the fucking thing. The room is just moving. If there's music, your ears are sensitive as shit, which is really weird to describe. You can't cover them because everybody thinks you fuck in your fact.

When an ambulance goes by is those people that cover their ears, shoot them. All those people are just weak fuck. of a cover ears. You stand there like a soldier. Covered ears like a fucking half of fruitcake. That's how I know what side of the fucking fence you're hanging on. You know what's saying? Covering your ears. You don't know how many times. I remember my friend's uncle died.

No. Where I was living, his mom died. And he had the black suit that he was. was no way to the wake the next day. I had moved in with the runnies in maybe April of 81. This is June

of 82. July of 82, maybe something like that. May of 82. I met Joe Marys pruning down those fucking white vodka orange juices. I'm doing bumps and a little spoon with a little bottle and

shit. I had the whole kit. And I had the whole kit. And I'm eating those gorilla biscuits. I go home, I eat a piece of chicken to stop the spins, and I sit in his favorite chair, his suit's right here. And as I'm sleeping, all of a sudden I wake up in the middle of night, and I start puking on his suit. I almost got thrown out for that one.

But that was... Gorilla biscuits. But then I learned the secret to gorilla biscuits was like any other pill. You can't drink with it. Yeah. Enjoy the pill. That's where it gets bad. Yeah, when you start to mix

But you were already drunk, though Was that bad then? That's horrible, horrible. What it would do, I would see fucking four years right now, Lee. Yeah. I swear to God, I would get to,

my friend's mother was dying. Listen, again, he wasn't my friend. He was an associate. His mother was dying of cancer. His mother was dying of cancer since like 78. Jeez, let him be your friend. In those days, they used to send to these things called tumenoles,

F-66s. This is all you mean. Was that the number that was on the side of them? On the side of them? F-66. Like the planes. It was the devil, but not really. You know what I'm saying?

It was missing the six. She would fucking take those pills and sell them for 20 apiece. Oh my God. And I remember splitting one one night. Oh my God. That's what the government kept for the real sick people. But in those days, yeah. But in those days, my mom had just died,

that's the only that would kill the pain, me going out of these and experimenting with those fucking, and the zombo pills and shit. Oh. No value him in those. Yeah, I would eat him. There was a, that's right. We had the janitor.

What's that? We had a janitor that used to come in from the high school. He was had. Our janitor, our high school had a very unique janitorial system. We had Benny and the Jet. Benny and the Jet was a janitor that was like 60. He was like grandpa from the months, but real tall and skinny. And I knew what his soft spot was.

He loved Blackberry Brandy, so I would go off to him at 730. How'd you figure that out? Because he would buy a blackberry brandy every day for the liquor store and the guy told me one day and I figured him out That's like Joey's inside stock. He's like a stockbroker who got inside information He's like this is what your problem is we don't go to the talk to the liquor store guys have homeless I had a house to stay and in those days Inquisitive I was kind of embarrassed I was kind of embarrassed to be living on your couch So the least I can do run as easy in those days is get up and get out fold my fucking

Yeah You know, you've always let's always stay in your house and you wake up. Yeah, they're watching game shows. Breakfast is on the table. Fucking sheets is still on the couch. Yeah, sheets is still on the count. I didn't want you to always let me stay in your house. Thank you.

So I would get up, but you wake up and go, where did this kid go? That's what I wanted you to go. Yeah. Don't worry about where I want. I got $10. Let me go hustle. I go to the diner, eat eggs like a doctor, right? Now I got four bucks, but I need six to get into the city and get a nickel bag.

And you just hustle. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Just a, I don't even know what I was talking about. I'm so fucking. No, the janitor, you were saying. Oh, all right. So it's Janitor.

So it was Benny and the jet. So once I figured out that Benny was hooked on BlackBerry Brandy, I would see him in the mornings ago, Benny, I got a bottle of Blackberry Brandy. I'm holding for you until later. When? When later? Listen to me one day. His ears perk up.

One day, and I'm so crazy. I'm in a class. He actually knocked on the fucking door. And he asked the teacher if he can talk to me. And then... What are you talking? Benny, we can't be doing this outside. Benny, I'm in ninth grade.

Benny didn't have much. What do you do? Benny, this is social studies. Leave me alone, all right? Miss Gibson's doing it best in there to try to... Oh, my God. So, Betty, Benny went off the deep...

One day I didn't give him a bottle of Blackberry. I put him through a month of torch. Every day, he's like, where's the Blackberry? But you're, like, half emptied out and put, like, water in yourself? No, no, no. game like a big bottle like the whole pocket when the long cons that long listen to this listen to this i give him i give him i treat them good for like three days you know what i'm saying first day i give

him like the not the half but the full okay yeah and he looks at me hugs me thank you where was it because i kept telling him somebody kept hiding there from me i went to him and poor betty every day he's mopping up thinking this is going to be five days a week i had betty on the fucking on the slide. Benny's doing all your dirty work. Benny was my dog. Benny's hook into the school was, his wife was a big shot in the office.

So if you were cool with her, you were cool with Benny. How much of a big shot could you mean? Benny was in charge of the janitor's right. Okay. So Monday, I give Benny a little bottle. Tuesday, I give Benny a big bottle. Wednesday, I hold him out.

You got to hold back. You know me. I work him like a chew. Yeah. You got a little bottle. And Thursday, I give a bottle of, like, the best blackberry brandy known to mankind. I give it the bottle. Okay, I give him the bottle like I ate in the morning.

He goes, but then, he makes like, woo. Like, he makes like, noise and everything. They get all day on the speaker. Betty, please. Come to the gym. How? Betty, please. Come to the office.

When I'm mad, just coming. Not there's like six janitors in those days that worked, like, from eight to four. and then a fourth another crew of jealous came in now they were the fucked they were the fucked up ones they were the ones that had like fucked up disabilities

they heard voices shit like that those are the ones we torch it you know so let me finish on Betty hold on take a sip of water here we got Benny

I got I forget all about Betty I get Betty the fucking bottle I'm move on with my life, ha, ha, ha, ha, you know, I had him on the hook, and now I owe Benny, because I had robbed the school and had to get back the stuff. And I didn't, you know, I wanted to cut a deal with Benny. I blow towards the windows and got into the thing with a flare.

You know me, dog? I could always figure it out in those days. All for some Blackberry Brandy? You wanted him to let you bring in the school? Like, something happened that I was trying to get tight with Benny. I wanted something from, oh, the scales. There were the scales in those days. In the science room, so we would steal this triple beams.

They were 35 apiece, hot in the street anywhere. Ten minutes, they went like fucking hot cakes. I ended up robbing all the scales. Me and this dude, and we remained them nameless. No names, no names, Joey. So that Benny one night, they were in a fucking basketball game. Third quarter of the basketball game. I gave him the bottle and fucking ate the more than this thing.

There's no way you could have drank it. guess what he drank it Lee you're ready for this let me tell you what Benny does Lee I'm not ready for it what during the basketball game Benny has the chains to lock up the doors and what do you think he does he passes out he puts chains on these hands and he walks down the fucking aisle like he's fucking

Louis Lamor walking on his high rope and people are clapping and people are calling Benny in the jet his eyeballs are red He's re-killing Blackberry Prandy. I fucked up Betty in the jet dog. Where's Tony Bennett?

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. Did he lose his job or something? No, Betty retired. Benny was a good man. I had Benny.

In those days, I can't believe. I love your time. I love him. No, no, he didn't. Listen, I had Benny. I had Nick the Greek. I was tormented Nick the Greek.

I hit him with fake snowballs and told him I was going to protect them. What are fake snowballs? As I'm somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Or are fake snowballs. It doesn't matter. So,

we had Nick the Grubes. but we had the nighttime janitor. Now in McKinley school, we had Eagle Eye. We had a guy. What was this thing? He would walk into the gym and all right, you guys got to get out of here.

Go fuck yourself, Eagle Eye. He got one of those eyes that went up and he went glad. Oh, McKilly was rough, though. We were rough on those janitors. There was like three janitors then that were kind of mental that had problems. All of them got tortured.

All three of them. Different ways. I still remember fucking that guy. But now I get to the high school. I get to the high school. And there's this guy that never bothered nobody. You could tell somewhere along the line he was traumatized at a young age or something. And he was okay.

He said, hi to you or something like that. I don't know what happened. One night I got caught drinking or something like that with another buddy of mine. And for some reason, in my fucking head, I'm like this motherfucker right out of the side because he saw us going into the bathroom

and those days I wanted to kill my stepdad I was pissed I was real revengeal I didn't know how to fuck this dude up I just you know what I'm saying

if it was anybody else but this dude just fucking bothered me yeah and he was a big dude he could fuck me up I'm a Joan Marius I'm 17

18 I'm a fucking adult you know what I'm robin I'm out there borrowing from blown I'm not paying them back. You know, now let me get the year correct. I don't, fuck nobody out over here.

So it's 83. I'm living with Fernie in the basement. I'm making a little bit of money. I'm doing all right. I'm on the straight, narrow kind of. Except for Friday and Saturday, you know, you do you use layball, end up in the city. Some nights are good, some nights are bad.

Whatever. No relationships. Me and a guy shed a room. You know? That's it. That's it. He was as crazy as I was. Some nights we went out together, we loved each other.

He was my brother. Today he's got the Hiv. It's a fucking nightmare. But not from hanging out with me. He got that afterward banging. One Friday night, I met the fucking bar. I remember like three or four people. And we're doing a couple bumps.

Who the fuck knows what's on the jukebox? And then comes to Jenner. And I go, look what we got here. So I put a beer next time. There was like a little sandwich crate that you could go and eat sandwich or the kid John Cowan worked next door at Chickadee. We had Chicken Delight down the corner. Oh, really?

But then we had Chickadee right next door. And John would always, when the Chickadee would close, he would always bring the last pieces of chicken into the bar. So they sat there all night. At night, they were no good. You were coked up. Nobody would touch the chicken. One time they had a birthday party, they bought an ice cream cake.

The cake melted. Nobody touched it. Everybody in there was snorting coke, bro. It was just a Coke bar when we were kids. Lila gave you fucking thick drinks. And in comes his jam. And he's rocking and rolling. And I'm a fucking creptop-o fucking thief.

And I walk over and I see his jacket. And I stick my hand in the keys and there's keys in one pocket. And I go around them. And what do you think we got there? A fucking pill case. Take the pill case out. I go in the bathroom. Holy shit.

He's got like fucking 15 volumes in here. I take all the volumes out, close it up. Put the pill case. He's back on his pocket. You know me. It's got like three or four different kind of pills in there, but I got the Vs. I'm good. I'm like, me popping with these Vs right now at this bar at this time, you know who I am?

I'm like, St. fucking Jude right now. People suck my dick for two tens right now. He had the tens with the Vs in them. Old school. You look at those and drool of you're a professional. You want to go home and give Mom a stabbing. That fucking horn ain't going to work tonight. So I kept doing this.

every Friday I built like a little network of guys like I just go up to him pickpock him take his values put him back after about six or seven weeks Flucco finally figured out

that I was robbing his value so one Friday night I go in there take his pills open them up he's got a bunch of these white pills they look like quailots just smaller

I took all them put them in my pocket I walk out. They're like, where's these? I don't know. He's all out of V's, but he's got these. He's got baby quailers. It's winter of 83.

We're at a bar. I'm not on the best of terms in the town right now. They're all waiting for one more slipper before I get thrown the river. We're out of bar, me and my buddies. What did you get? We're all cooked up. We're dependent on these things. It's 1.30 in the morning.

And this is going to bring us down with this booze. Now we could all go home, finish our bag. And those days, we still weren't going nuts. We were just going out for a little while. And fucking, I had these white pills. And I pop one. You know me, dog. I got balls of speed.

I pop one. And my friend's like, fuck it, let's take them. So I give them to like six of my buddies. And I put the rest in my pocket. I fucking go home, Steve Renazizzi. You're going on three, coked up to the gills with this pill in me. I wake up the next day like at 6 o'clock at night, and all I do is shit for 15 minutes. And while I'm shitting minutes, I'm getting rid of easy, I'm falling asleep.

I'm starting to puke and frishty. I'm dehydrating. I'm drinking water from the faucet. I shit. I wipe my butt. I drink enough water to get me back to the bed, and I go right back to bed. The next thing I know, there's light. It's Monday.

Same thing. I go to the bathroom. My pee for five minutes. And everything comes out of my butt, and I just drink water, wash my hands, and go right back to bed. Finally Tuesday, you know me, dog. I can't sleep like that. Tuesday, I finally get up. And I get out of bed, and I walk.

I get breakfast. I got an extra breakfast. I mean, I haven't eaten in two fucking days. I drink a gallon of two of water. I walk a little bit. I get some sun. I get back, and I see the lights blinking on the answering machine. And I hit the fucking thing.

And they say, Coco, where the fuck are you? I've been sleeping for three days, shitting blood. What the fuck's a mad at you? What were those things? Call me back. Pee, Coco, what the fuck? I've been shitting and fucking passing out. Unbelievable.

What are you thinking? Peep. Coco, call me back. I'm on my way to the hospital. I don't know what the fuck you gave me, but you better have a good explanation. Peep. Coco, you got any more of those pills?

They were tremendous, right? I'm hearing all this shit. Finally, bro. I called one of the guys back and he goes, bro, what the fuck did you give me? He goes, I went and looked them up. There was no internet in those days. I had to go to the library.

And it was what you give people and they got an epileptic fit. Oh my God. And dog, I'm lucky those guys didn't die because that's the first warning. Do not, like in big letters, like those pills will fucking kill you. We all lived.

Holy shit. Some people still hold the grudge. You know what are going to do? That's what happened to them. Did you ever see him at the bar? ever again after that? Yeah, a couple people. Nobody fucked with the pills.

I still talk to two of the guys that I gave the pills to. They live in San Diego and Vegas and when I go to those towns, they come to the shows and whatnot. It was just, I ate them too. But I gave the rest of them to the dude who kept asking me from.

Fuck. I must have had six left. I gave him to those kids. That kid, and he was popping like one, one. Then he started popping twos. And here I was dead. He was eating two of them, like chewing. Like, fucking, those pills are tremendous.

I wish you could get more of them. And then one night, like maybe a month later, dog, we went out. There was no blow. We got pretty fucked up at the bar. Another one I'm not very proud of. It was one of those crazy nights, bro. The cop showed up at Joe Marys. The owner told him, spit, this bad.

They told him to get the fuck out of the joint. somebody went to buy cigarette and the thing got stuck and he put his hand you remember the old cigarette machines yeah you got to pull the thing he put his hand through the glass fucking marlboros I mean for a while there we were having a kind of a weird one night it's no it's it was one of those New York's nose like a foot have two feet of snow no newspaper delivery this is before the internet Lee this is when every morning you depended on those two newspapers the local and the Daily News.

You were either a post or daily news, but the Post made up their own sport lines, so we don't deal with those fucking thieves. We go with the Daily News. Dog, they were days, two of those, two days. They didn't come. Milk used to get delivered in those days. You know, milk, you tried to drive.

Everything was shut down, so we couldn't even get the lines on games. I never forget one night we had just gotten Coke. Like, even Coke deals were like, I can't get the car out. I never forget me and this kid, Darren Rago, God rest of the soap, we're sitting by the window, like lookouts. We weren't looking out.

We were just looking at the snow, how beautiful it was. Got a couple of drinks of us. And what the fuck do we see right as easy? A dude. This is Northern New Jersey, 1983. The fuck is wrong with you. We see a dude. Cross-country skiing.

Like, just perfect form. It's this cross-country scheme. The guy next to me is a future murder. He don't know it yet, but I do. That's a murder of this guy. All I did was looking at him. He goes, what the fuck is he thinking? Let's get out there.

You know, us two went out there first. I thought we were just going out to the run and just go get the fuck out of our neighborhood and shit, right? Why? You're just skiing. No, let's see. Cross country looks arrogant. You're supposed to ski on Bergen-Line Avenue. All right.

You want to ski go to the mountains. Very arrogant. This was our neighbor. You know, cross-country ski. were perfect with perfect form like this is Switzerland to the Olympics

you fucking Momo listen not only that I run out when people saw me run out like eight of them ran out and they're like what the fuck you're chased him out of town no no no no

Darren there's two feet of snow on the sides shit there's snow everyone there's snow everyone tackled him there's snowy and I only

Darren was crazy I didn't think I thought that was just going to chase him like 50 yards and we'll get the fuck out of our neighborhood and throw a snowball at him. Fuck no. By the time I look at these guys and look back,

Darren's dirty yards from the guy. And he's like, hey, you fucking cuck-suck and he's yelling. So now we're like, oh, no, we take off. People are falling down. By the time we get over there, Darren's punching the fuck out. This guy, I mean, the UFC type shots to the head. Fuck those concussions and shit. This guy was down.

Darren's hitting him with fucking, elbows and a paw, the guy's head's going. I mean, this is fucked up. This is when I knew he was a murderer. This is what I knew, you know, what I'd known for years. His mom was dying, the cancer. They had divorced. You know what I'm saying?

He had this thing. He was juicing. There was the beginning of his juxting. We had them doing push-ups at bars. We would take him to bars and go, damn, and do a bump. Listen, come here. Do ten push-ups and pose for these people. So who the fuck that deal with?

North Bergen represent. Go ahead. We can go, really? What are you think? Yeah, go ahead. All of us are talking into it. What are you crazy? Do a bump.

Do some push-ups, warm up and do poses. We'd make them do crabs and shit. To this day, I miss that craziness of the East Coast. Like, you do that little neighbor you grew up in. It was safety because you were like with your friends that you grew up with. But none of the shit was safe. You know? But it's fun.

It's never seen dangerous in the moment. I'm so sorry. So, darn beast the fuck out of this guy. This seems dangerous. Hold on. We drag him like 30 feet to a VFW and we throw him over the fence. Darren close.

Wait, I have one question. I have one question. Are ski still on his feet? Oh, no. But they had love the skis. Diren hit him with the ski. It was classic shit.

Classic. Then they sold the skis. No, no, no, no. This is how beautiful this one. He throws him over. Darren jumps over and starts fucking taking the flag on the VFW. The entire around his ankle, Darren's like, fuck it, this guy's going to be missing an actor or whatever.

He piles more snow on top of him. We go back in the bar. By that time the Coke shows up, we do bun. We forget all about the whole fucking situation About an hour later we see fucking red lights everywhere And then we got the bars around this come out right now We know who you are so I look around the bar I got like fucking two eight balls in my pocket I'm going down

But I look around and I see I know one of the cops My job is to get out there and get to him If I can get to him I'll put this eight ball in my hand and shake his hand and tell him we're good I don't know what happened here. So get the fuck out of here. Master plan. I'm sitting there. Cops are getting out of their call.

But they're not running in like SWAT. Yeah. They're like, what is this a fucking joke? You know, they're all in the middle of the street. The door opens up. My idiot friends walk out. I see the cops rushing them. I get out the right time.

I see my buddy. Hey, what's going on? I put the gateball on this. I go, no, we were here hanging out. He goes, all right, get the fuck out of here. Walk this way. As we'll walk in this way. I don't know what the cops are in there for.

I got forgotten. I'm so fucked up. And I look at the police car and the dude is in the bag with blankets on. I'm just fucking shaking. And we just walk right past them. The fact that

I love how you were like, he was just skiing. What was, what's wrong with you? No, it was 1983. You can ski in the neighborhood, especially cross-country.

I didn't even know what that was. If you're on a ski, I wanted you to ski like James Bond. and shit. And Her Majesty's Secret Service. I don't want you on fucking... I imagine that you chased him out of town through snowballs at him.

Jesus Christ. No, dog. This is... You want another starly? No, really. But it's easy talk to me, brother. You got me... This star of death got me fucked up.

No, I love it. I could tell it hit you a little bit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this thing you were looking at me like. Oh, my God. I haven't done one of those in a very long time. Another one? I'll take one for the road.

You can take two for the road. Oh, thank you so much. You never know what happens on Friday night. The cows are run is easy, you know what I'm saying? Not this weekend. I'm on the road. Where are you this week? Oh, Phoenix, stand up live. I love that club.

That's so weird. You like it? I think it's too big for me. Yeah, and it bothers me. It does. It is big. It bothers me. That's what bothers me.

That's number one. Number two, Jesus Christ, you want your comedy to be pure. Really? I got to hear music. That's my only beef. Yeah, I know. Give me the respect I deserve. I've been fighting in the mud all my friends.

fucking life. I've been on a set for six years, taking orders from kids I could chop up and half. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. They don't even have the wit of me. Now you want me to come down here and while I'm on stage, I got to hear music, you know. But it's a great venue. It's, yeah, it's nice. It's big.

Big. Hotel's nice. But yeah, the music next door. A lot of these places though are, like, have those music bars. I don't think the audience can hear it though. Yeah, but we hear it. But it doesn't, you know. Let me tell you some one thing about the improvs. they invest in their sound systems.

They really work hard. And if there's a flaw and you tell him, they're right. And then they call you the next day. And they'll go, hey, we fixed that thing. You're like, who gets a fuck? That was last night. I'm good. I'm in Phoenix.

You know, I'm fucking Alta Dina. Yeah. They, you know, they curtain off that little back part. If it's not, there's no one back there. But I like that room. I just like, I've always had fun there. I like Tempe too. I came up in Tempe.

Yeah. It's sentimental. I remember I did it a couple times. The old before they reconstructed it. I like that. That was always a fun, like a pride destination. What were your pride destinations in comedy? Like when you first got into comedy,

the three cities that let you know you were arrived. San Francisco, if I was like, all right, I'm going to do San Francisco. Denver, comedy works I heard, always heard was unbelievable. Cap City in Austin. D.C. Impro. comedy seller in New York. Those are the ones that I heard that were like, you know. Have you been,

do the comedy seller a lot? No, I've never done the comedy seller in New York. But, you know, those are the ones that I've always heard were unbelievable. Is that the ones, I mean,

like, no, no, my question to you is like, when I went to Boston, when I got a recommendation to play a club outside of Boston, I knew I was going to get somewhere.

comedy-wise. They didn't know I was in Montreal. This was a pivotal city for me. There's always those pivotal cities where you're starting out. That's the question. Chicago and Zanis in Chicago.

I built an audience up there. We were selling out there before anywhere else. The show took place in Chicago and then I think that that's where my audience got biggest, fastest. I like that club.

You know, the downtown one's cool. I really like that one. But that's a fun. That was like my first biggest. area. Zanese in Chicago. Boston's was good. Boston was great.

I remember when I did the Wilbur, I was excited about that. That was a fun. He got me excited about it. That was a good one. There's one part of this thing when you hate when the business becomes involved. You like the purity. You just want to go to the store and do that

$15 set and get out of there and not have to worry about a check. Go off from sold out or not sold out and who's pissed and who's not pissed and who's not pissed. Well, for me, the reason why I, like, I was excited to do the, for him, for Joey to do the Wilbur was because I went there as a kid. Like, that's the big theater in Boston. Yeah.

Like, what big, did you guys do, like, a big theater in Jersey or something that was like, that you went to as a kid? That was pretty cool. I mean, the Coliseum, but no one ever, Dice, I think, did the Coliseum. No, I'm on, like, did you do anything? Have you gone back home? Oh, governor's on Long Island. They put me on their comedy, Wall of Fame from Long Island. which I thought was really cool.

I like that club too. I like that club. Yeah. That was the home club that my parents would go see comedy at. When I first got to move to L.A., I had to go to New York for something. This is such a weird, it was a weird trip. I went to New York,

and I was supposed to showcase a governor's. It was like a Tuesday night, but then the manager called me and said, you know what, it's a dark club. It had become fucked up for a while. And those guys took it over and saved it again and stuff. But that was a weird trip because I turned down that. I turned down another showcase like the comic strip.

This manager I had knew that comedy thing, New York City. But he also told me to make a tape of myself doing stand-up while I was here and drop it off at HBO at the casting a show called The Sopranos. And I remember going like, okay, so why would I go to a song about singers? I was like, fuck that shit. I'm not going on there. I knew you at the store when you were auditioning your ass off. Yeah.

And being number two. Always number two. For like a year, you were going in and making a screen test. They'd take you the lunch, rub your feet. You met the president. You used to sign the paperwork that says how much money you're going to make before you go in there. Remember that last audition? Yes.

Yes. So that way, in case, you know, they like you and they can't, you know, negotiate that. So you knew. You were like, fuck, here we go. It's either this or nothing. Let's go do it. Him and I, Lee, went through like a year of this auditioning how, and we would talk to each other every night at the comedy store about the audition,

the casting director. Which ones we like, who was there? What did we do? This was a different time for auditioning than what's going on right now. Yeah, I mean, I really don't, I haven't done it for a little bit, but the pilot season this year is going to be interesting. I heard you don't really. test in front of the audience like in front of the people anymore sometimes I

heard you do it on tape which is a different thing nerve-racking it like go in there and do it in front of them listen call me and let me know what time on Friday afternoon let's make it close to 1 o'clock yeah give me the fucking sides on Wednesday let me smoke a fucking 20 and I'll get back to your Friday at 1 watch me go to work go ahead call some names in there and I guarantee you're have my headshot on the wall. I don't know if you'll give me the job for practical matters for whatever, yeah. Nobody knows where I am, whatever, but trust me, that's what I know how to do.

That's what I got really good at. I got so good at it that I got addicted to booking but not wanting to shoot. When they call me for wardrobe, I go, God damn it. And so were you. You got addicted to it for a while. You really got into it, the acting, the producer sessions, the second session. Fuck, the second sessions, yeah. I remember saying to you, it's a game of numbers.

And it's so weird how it was like you lost in your mind. It seemed like you lost a hundred jobs in a row. And all of a sudden, boom, effects called. And there you were for six seasons. Yep. It's unbelievable. But yeah, those years of just being like, I went. I got to this level.

This year I didn't book one. The next year you book a pilot doesn't go. Just, you know, the whole thing where you're like, I'm in the room, trying the best I can. Trying to figure it out as I go along. Who we would see in the rooms, who we would test for what roles. I remember Julie Ashton bringing both of us in. Right now you should be a mind reader because that's all I can think about right now is Julie Ashton.

Yeah. Like when I think about my comedy career, three pilots, four pilots, she put me in. Yeah, she's the best. One of them at five in the afternoon. Court time was seven, 1,500. go to Fox, NYPD 2063 that didn't have a chance in hell.

You understand me? Rocket ships in New York. People getting shot by lasers. I was a newspaper guy. Good luck. Oh, my God. I think these stars, how many stars did I have? I have one star. That's all you need, trust me. It's amazing.

It's, uh, I would, I think till today, Julie still calls me in. I hope to see her. 16 years later. Mm-hmm. that's crazy that we've been working for that lady for 16 years everything would happen with me she called

to say hey we're good I love you she's a good woman let's see I booked Lewis she booked me in Lewis whatever's pilot oh yeah she booked me in NYPD

2069 that's amazing the first show she booked me in uh Happy hour. Oh, really? Then they cut me out after the pilot,

tanks of shit that they were. Tanks of shit, those people. Now I see them around, and they can't even look me in the eyeball and shit. They were improv actors, though. Two of them were commercial actors. Now they're fucking the five people in the show, and they couldn't hire the right janitor.

Finally, they had to bring Uncle Joey into school them under the school of comedy, and they're fucking jaws dropped. At that time, at that time, I was that good already on stage. I had done the longest yard. There's nothing to be fucking... You guys are fucking amateurs

compared to what the fucking dungeons I'd been. You know what I'm saying? I remember the longest yard. Everyone coming out after, hanging out with us at the comedy store that was in the movie and saying how unbelievably fucking funny you were the entire time down there. Oh, I was killing.

Killing everyone. Killing everyone. I was killing. I was in... Where were you guys? New Mexico? New Mexico. in New Mexico

for like five days I just watched listen like God bless me whoever they called me down there and I got to tell you something

I was kind of pissed after I got down and looked at the schedule like you know he was shooting until next week yeah what am I here for

but they were giving me pretty and me a buck a day they had me in fucking hotel Santa Fe which is nice

where Lucio That's where everybody goes. Brad Pitt, that's the best there is. Yep. Indians, fucking tremendous food, you know, just tremendous fucking food. They had me in that room for fucking seven days before I did anything. So for the first three or four days, I went to this down there. You know, motherfuckers like us.

I smoked a number. Yep. See what the vibe is. I broke the notepad. I broke my signs over them just to make believe I was going on my side, but not really. I'm making notes to what the fuck I'm seeing, how you're shooting this, how he's working with the actors.

I didn't know. Wait a thing. I was doing one line per fucking thing before that. My first scene was going to be like a fucking eight-liner in an ensemble with eight gorillas talking at one time. That's like, what's that first line? I do, whatever the fuck it is. Trio?

Yeah, what the fuck's a tree out? That was it, dog. And all of a thing, there was eight people. I never done it. that before yeah wait there so many teachers you don't do that they teach you to do me and you I'm New York City I can do like I love getting interviewed by the cops that's my number one job you got a guy getting interviewed by the cops I'll knock off Brando at that that's how good I am at that you know but we were both fighting

for our lives trying to get acting jobs yeah anything movies we had conversations about shit at night and I by that point I had figured out it was fucking wasn't even about your performance. It was just about, there was so many many getting factors. Variables, different ways. It didn't matter what, you know, just luck of the thing that worked out at the right time.

The stars always have to be aligned. Yeah. Joe, you always talk about focus. So why why can't you, why didn't you just focus all of your energies on stand-up? Like, why are you even worrying about acting? Because at that point, my stand-up

was going nowhere. My stand-up was going nowhere. And I figured out that Montreal didn't want me. There was no comedy agents wanted me. There was no comedy managers that spoke to me. But if I could act, I could go through the back door. By the time they catch up with my stand-up, my stand-in would be ready for them. So if I could act, little by little, see, like I told you or somebody else in this town,

as a young comic, you come here. You ain't dick. You could be the funniest guy at all those open mics. to promote you to be a regular at the store. You ain't dick, you book a commercial. Yep. That's how I remember it.

Okay, because tell them why, because now you become viable. Yeah. That's what you become. You're letting me know I'm at home one night. I own the improv in Breyer. You've been bugging me for a year to do a guest spot.

You're still watching commercials at this point. You're still watching commercials. It's 1130. You're stoned. And there Steve Renazizi on a fucking motor roll commercial during the 11 o'clock news. Holy shit.

I'm going to book him. For one of those shit weekends that we can't get rid of. You know, and they'll give you an MC spot. Yep. Because they know now that you might go somewhere. You just became somebody by booking that commercial. It's like being part of a club. That's it.

When I booked the Taco Bell commercial, it was all over. Like, people were talking to me. I booked a pilot for CBS. Nobody knew about it. Yep. Even if you don't talk? Like, if you don't talk, you're cool. Yeah.

Yeah. McDonald's was my first commercial. I put the McDonald's commercial. I want to take you to book a commercial in those days. I booked it in 2005, so four years, three and a half years. How often are we going on additions? I mean, the first year, it was like, they barely, they send you out of like one every, if you didn't book it right away, like one a month.

And then, you know, you get, like, you get a callback or a couple callbacks. And then before you know it, you're, like, you're in callbacks all the time. And then you book one. Then you go, you know, then they're like, all right. I remember Judah Freeland booked like 87 commercials Yeah Like I'm

Before he became Then they take you serious And they go okay I've seen you before Haven't I seen you? Yeah Now you hop over From commercial actor

To real actor Which it's tough sometimes A lot of people get like that AT&T guy You'll never see him In another spring commercial Yep But you'll never see him

In a movie opposite Jacousto Or fucking Johnny bananas Something like that It's crazy How I knew That I would have Eventually, like everything, I would get one line, one line, one line.

Then I went on a three-liner tear for a while. And then I went on a five-liner only with credits rolling. Yep. I went on a three-movie tear where the credits ran through me in the first fucking five minutes of the movie. I remember going from commercials. I had done two commercials, and I booked a guest star on the show called Kitchen Confidential with Bradley Cooper.

It was a Fox show. And I was going to play a banker who was running out on a check, like a Wall Street guy. and he was like ran the restaurant so he would run after me and call the cops so it was one like one scene but four lines and then I run out the door so I remember hanging out on set and trying to see what the difference is it between is it's the same thing as a commercial I don't even in the commercial you know they didn't treat you very well so then I did this and they're covering angles and this and that the directors like more talking to you and you're like oh shit is this the reality show like the reactment no no no this was a real scripted show

Oh, okay. Yeah. And so he would, you know, like just trying to learn about the differences. Like, what's the next level going to be like? All right, this is television. This is what this feels like. It's different than commercials that kind of have more money, take more time on things. They kind of move it differently.

So I remember going from that to that and kind of learning the level as I got there. You know? I wanted to take you to get the league. That was in 2009. So, so. Yeah, I've done a couple pilots. I did one show that went for like 12 episodes. in 2006, and then a couple of pilots that didn't go after that.

Then that Paul Blart movie was between that too. That was great because that was another one. In Boston, for three months we shoot the movie. I get there. I had like 10-day gaps. But my girlfriend would come out and fly out and hang out. So it was great hanging out in the hotel. But yeah, those big breaks are fun.

Kevin used to give us all this shit. The Burlington Mall, right? The Burlington Mall, he would give us legal seafoods right on the main. That's right. I used to fucking eat there. Dude, I grew up at the legal seafoods and the high top seats right at the front. It was the best job because we would, they realized because the mall was still open, we got to shoot Kevin stuff at night.

So I had like businessman hours. My call time wasn't until noon. And then I would work till 8, be home, back at the hotel by 8.30, then nice dinner. You know, and then get into the night, whatever I wanted to do, have long stretches off, four or five days off. It was fucking great. And they just paid you run a film. It was awesome. That and then the league.

It was a different, I get, I just started getting calls about a week and a half ago. People were like, hey, you've been going off of pilot season. I didn't even know it was pilot season. Yeah, just started. And I was in like at this point I'm not even concerned me I used to concern myself I think I gave up about five years ago six years ago I finally said this is the reality of it Unless I write a show somebody writes me in from the very beginning

A producer that believes in me This ain't gonna happen I don't want to go with no half-way to them book it Then you're too funny for him So I replace you with fucking white Johnny And there you are in their fucking friends you know, I'm saying, fuck that.

And that's what, you know, that's part of the business. A lot of great people. Listen, Joe Rogan got the roll because Ray Romano got fired. How fucking crazy is that, sir? You figure it out.

Didn't Leah Remini get something on friends? And then, yeah. Really? Yeah, something like that. I feel that's what happened. She was on the original friends cast. Maybe, you know,

someone always gets fired at a table read. Those table reads, they don't do them for to just hear everything out loud. They're doing it because I remember when I sat down on my first one ever, Kurt Fuller, who was playing the dad on the show, it's like old character actor, Ghostbusters too, right? You've seen him all over the place.

He turns and he looks and he goes, how you feel? I'm like, great, I'm excited about this. He's like, you know, someone always just give it your all. Someone always gets fired one of us. It's going to be gone after this fucking thing. And he was right. They fired one of the dudes after the show. And, you know, you find out on the,

the way to your car. That's how quick it happens. You're done with the bagel after everyone that says hello, great job, everyone. You walk towards your car. By the time you get to your car, your agent's on the phone. Hey, we got to talk. What happened in there? Jesus.

And she auditioned for Monica. Yeah. But she didn't get it. Oh, she didn't get it. I fucking got fired from a movie in Jamaica, which I didn't care. And they were under, there was a sag movie. but they didn't really get the contract and SAG, nobody sent the SAG rep

to fucking Jamaica was like a nudist colony and what else did I get fired from? I got fired from something else. A movie that I got with a bunch of fucking MOOCs I didn't want to do it and I just called them and said I'm done.

Done. And I go, you're fired, okay, fuck it. But then, one of my most fucking infamous fines that nobody knows about it is I got fired, from a Telemundo show.

What? From a Cuban Telemundo show. And guess what? About two years ago, I'm in the park with my daughter and my wife. We're walking around the park, and the guy sees me and goes, hello, how are you? And all of a sudden, he goes, can I talk to you for a second? I just want you to know. I never saw you again after that time when they fired.

You had nothing to do with me. One of the producers just did not like you. And I was like, okay, thank you for telling me 18 years later, which I never lost nothing. They paid for my after. Oh, really? It was $1,000 after. $1,000 to join me or something. Yeah.

And that was like 98. I went down to the audition on a Monday. I guess my Spanish got away with it. But at the table read, what is that? Like the blocking? Yeah. I just ate the big dick. And then they had a minute of pause.

And these Cubans started talking, you know. And I'm like, what part of it? Where are you from? And they're like this place. And these were all these Cubans that were high level. That thought they were high level. No, I didn't grow up in Union City. We grew up in 9-14, Rockland County,

because my father didn't want to be around Cubans. Those type of motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? That was weird. Fuck those motherfuckers. What's up, dog? What are you looking at? I mean, are you still going through changes?

Now I'm hot Are you sweating? I'm sweating. I'm always sweating. Let me give some shout out to him. We'll get you out of here. Alex Wiley in the house. My man, Austin Myers,

my little brother there, making it happen. Stefan Kelly, TSP, Bud, and Roach, my main man, one by one podcast, Bobby Sharon and Crystal,

Chris Murphy, Andrew Nan Diaz, and Chris Trent in the motherfucking house. Also, while I got you, let me tell you something. Tell them about C-Sol League. Oh, I love C-Sos. Okay, so here's the deal.

They have all the great comedy you want. So I like specials. So I know they have Joey. I know they have Stanhope. I know they have a couple more coming up, which are pretty great. But what I really like is they have all of them. I like Parks and Recreation. They have Rory Scolva specials on there too.

Rory Scoville specials on there. They have. Roy Kilmartin specials on there. What I'm really looking forward to seeing is that Paul F. Tompkins, he has a show on there. I want to see that. I'm going through their catalog, and I'm just really impressed with all the stuff they have. Well, I'm happy that you like it, brother, because I love it, too. I'm happy I chose them.

Stop Settling for Open Mic Comedy when the legends are at your fingertips. Ciso puts you on the guest list for exclusive comedy shows from legendary comics in today's top talent with new exclusive. specials from Nick Napalo and Uncle Joey, myself, Doug Stanhope, and the new special from Nick, you don't have to stand in line and shut out 30 bucks at your local comedy club to see us. CISO has exclusive specials from them and many more that you can enjoy from your couch on your favorite device. Plus, the drink minimum is up to you. You understand me, nobody bothers you, nobody knows nothing, right?

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Learn something about comedy from these people. Not from me. I got bad habits. Anyway, back to my main man, Steve Brenazizi up on Long Island. When did you get the comedy year? Steve Renazizi. After college, I wanted to perform every night. So I started writing jokes and I was like, I'm going to try open mics.

Went to New York Comedy Club. Did the open mic there a little bit. When year was this? 9,000. Oh, okay. I was way gone from New York Comedy Club. I was lingering there in 1993. Oh, really?

It's back now. I heard. It's pretty nice. There's so much comedy in New York right now. When you go there, if you call five clubs, don't put you up. Mm-hmm. You know, there's tons of action in New York. You could do five, six clubs a night, five different spots.

I'm too old. How many spots would you do in a night and be like, all right, it's too much? Three. Three. But that have to be fun. Yeah, three good ones. I don't care. There's 60 people.

Yeah, as long as they're fun. I don't care. The first one's going to bomb. I want to bomb the first one because I got two to redeem myself. You know what I'm saying? You don't want to laugh. I don't give a fuck. I got three more like you.

Can you do three hours shows a night now? Would you, I know. Between the reef, the age, the memory, listen, one of the worst things on stage is when you're saying the joke. And you don't know if you said that joke before. The show before or you've already said it already. I know. That's happening before. Let me tell you something.

I was at the Miami Improv, Tuesday through Sunday with three shows on Saturday. If anybody went through the training, I earned it. Okay. They have the improv And the late 90s got this bug Three shows Yeah Three shows

And the late one Start an hour late What headline That does 42 minutes On a Saturday You got the sold out crowds Yeah, let's keep it tight The late show would start at one

Those people are hamming Now you gotta do another fucking show You wouldn't get out of there Till 3 On Sunday night You're at the ball Waiting to go up Your central nervous system

It's terrible It's shot You don't want to even say your fucking jokes. And guess what? You got to do your fucking thing, get a check, go to your hotel room, and go back because you got to fly to L.A., do laundry, feed the cat, clean the little box, and leave on Tuesday morning and do it all over again in San Antonio next week.

Oh, fuck. Three shows on Saturday. I did three shows in Columbus at the Funny Bone on St. Patrick's Day was a Saturday. I did three shows. The third show was that one of those ones where I was like, have I told this joke before? That's terrible. That's that's.

Are they, you know, because maybe you're like, are they laughing? I feel like they're laughing like they heard it before and they're laughing at me. Lee, you think you're going crazy for a minute. It's that quick that you get to, as you're saying the joke, you don't know if they're laughing because you're fucked up. Yep. Sometimes I eat a star up then, Lee. It's the second show. I got two, three stars in me, dog.

My mind stops afloating. You know, the second show, or whether you prove your point in the first show, so the second show, I'm going to take a couple fucking jazz. I'm going to take some detours. I'm going to take it down some dark streets because it's the 11 o'clock show. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, that's so much fun. And I like doing that because then I go,

I didn't do any of those jokes. Yep. Thank you, fucking God. I didn't have to do any of those jokes all over again. I'm sitting up there going, did I do this joke? Did I do this joke? It's 11 o'clock at night.

I've been up since 7. My first joint was at 7.30. What are your odds? Nobody could withstand that memory thing at 10 o'clock. I'm fucking. It's memory. We can smoke when I smoke all day and show up at 11 and do two shows.

No. Not too many people. Most people, the second show that, that camera hits you, when that fucking, you get on that stage, and depending on how the audience is, you get instant anxiety sometimes for me, man. I fought it a little bit this year, and I'm okay with it now. The store gives it to me. Yeah. When I go to the store sometimes is I'm walking up those steps.

If I eat an edible, I forget and I run up those steps, and I get a little anxiety after six steps. It takes me to a different planet. I got to sit in Mitsy Shair. Let my nerves come down. How many seasons is the fucking league go? We went seven. You loved it?

Love doing it. Where'd you shoot? On location in the Valley, usually. And then a couple days downtown sometimes. The bar was downtown that we shot at. Some office stuff downtown. But yeah, Valley. It was a blast.

We loved doing it. I like going to work, you know I like The same crew, same people for the most part It was fun But yeah, you know Would you want to do it again? I would like to do a show as

I mean, I would love to do a show as fun as that Another six, seven year run would be fun On another fun show How fun would it be to get on lower an order That would be one of the cops He runs his easy hometown guy Just yeah Three year contract is fucking

A junior, junior, junior, junior. you. Detective Donnellie? Yeah, I, bro, that's a dream right there. I mean, being an investor like Steve Sharper landed another one on Blue Bloods. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. God bless that guy. Yeah.

God bless it. That's all. You bounce to another one then. That's it. Once a show ends, you take a year off, you spend some of that guineas, you hide some of it, you buy some shoes, and you tell your agent, listen, Cucksucker, get some show out there, wait for me, put some writer together. I know you got another writer.

on staff. You got something on staff. You got somebody over there. Write them in. I think, didn't you play a DA on the league? Yeah. I played a lawyer. So that's it. Yeah. I can do it again. Yeah. I can do it again. Yeah. A DA

on Law and Law and. Yeah. One of those Chicago shows. Chicago law. They'll make next. Fuck yeah. I'll do that. It'd be fun. If you make it fun. I mean, as long as it's not. The last couple times I've worked, except

Marin like I worked network television I wasn't feeling no I wasn't feeling it why wasn't like I used to be excited about doing network television dog in the beginning I got thrown to the wolves I did a couple of those shows that were live I went from

fucking doing co-stars to doing a live mad TV with people in the audience are you fucking crazy when did I do Juilliard remind me when did I when did you ever go to playing your see me in Julia. You know,

these people understand what comedy store comics? You know what, bro, I may have felonies. I snorted blow. You know what I'm saying? I had an ex-wife.

It's tough to let these people understand that what comedy store comics. Yeah. We're there from the core, from the 1145 spots. We played tricks on people. We lit,

what's his name on fire in the bathroom? Mugzilla. Yeah, yeah. What's his name? What's his name? You know, you got to, dick sucked down there you got drunk as a motherfucker down there passed out back there

house huh no i never lived in house no you had friends that were lost now down there you know you're a count sometimes i feel bad about my comedy and shit i'm like what you're like mitsy made me a fucking rango i don't know what the fuck you bitches better step back and shit yeah i feel the same way yeah like you know i remember like going to mad TV and them telling me what I gotta do with me going home and going I better call my agent in the morning and tell him that I'm sick as a dog and I can't do this and then I would always go back to the go whoa whoa whoa whoa I followed fucking what's his name not a j. jamal this has name me yeah there's a jemal smooth black comedian which is so funny with dreads

no I was following domerer and buried yeah in the main room getting buried and then going into no confidence at the 1145 spot in the original room which in those days was tighter it was more more gladiator type there were more savages in there they come up from the fucking burrows of orange county to watch comedy now it's a lot of more tourists you know they're so famous now because a podcast and stuff it's famous everywhere I think that's what it is every people make trips now. I've talked to audience members who make trips there. That are just solely there because they

want to meet you and podcast people. They come on business. It's fucking amazing. They come on business. Yeah. They're checking at the standard yeah, the standard down there. Where? Somewhere close to over there. And they walk and they walk in restaurants and they

go to sushi and then they come back to the economy store. And it's great to know that people listen to us all over the fucking world. his translates. What we're doing translates. You're starting a podcast. I am. I start, actually it launches next, a week from tomorrow. What's the name of the podcast? Hear me this book with Steve Renazizi. I don't read, I don't really read books or have read all the books I'm supposed to have read. So I'm going to have guests on, tell me about their favorite book. We'll talk

about it, why they read it, you know, and then we'll just jump off from a conversation from there. You want to practice on Uncle Joey real quick? Have you got a book that you think you... A ton of books. What book would you pick? I'd love to have you on. What book do you want me to read? He's been telling me to read a book for, like, the past.

Yeah, what book do you suggest to him? I want him to weed the War of Art. The War of Art. By Stephen Pressfield. Stephen Pressfield. It talks about resistance and what makes you not want to do the things that are going to lead you to a better life. How old is it?

It's been around a couple of years. He wrote a couple movies and stuff. real interesting story, but he's one of us that got sick and tired of getting beat up. He wrote and he figured out what is what stops you from doing what you're supposed to do. It's an

interesting book. But the idea, I was looking at this fucking book I got. This is one of those books that I read, but I had to put down a couple times. It was so scary. And I read some great books. One of my favorite books of Out Wings of Eagle, the

story of fucking your boy to have. Texas, the one that ran for president with the red hair and the big geese when we were kids. Ross Perrault? Yeah, that's a badass book. That's Trump's uncle. Nobody knows it yet. That's Ross Perra. I do.

I remember being like, what is that guy's deal? He was in the debates. They let him in, like, the big debates. And he was throwing heat. He kept saying, America, these guys are paying for this with your money. I'm paying for this with my money. Yeah, yeah, he was ran for his own. What, bro, if you read, he was so modest and his publicity people, never said, read my book.

I got it out there for free. Send me your book. Send me your address. I'm going to send you my book and you tell me if you don't want me present in your country. I was in prison dog. I didn't know what to do. And for some reason, I took this book off the shelf. And when they moved me, I kept a book.

And I remember being there one night. listening to fucking black people yelling all night and shit. In the middle of this, there was like a light. I opened up the book, and I said, I read like the first 10 pages. And for some reason, it just took me somewhere else. And the next day, I couldn't wait to wake up to read it in the light. And it was basically about a guy who made a bunch of fucking Gitas with this company. And then they went to Iran, and then they got captured.

So they came back to the States. And they had captured, like, four of the office members. and then he went to Kissinger and talked to Kissinger. Jesus. But he made a promise to the employees' families that they would be home for Christmas dinner.

You know, Perra was crazy. So when Kissinger said, we can't really go in there, you're on your own. This motherfucker went and hired Marlon Brando from Apocalypse now. Some crazy fucking dude that shot three million heads. No.

To train his men. Computer people, whatever. engineers to bond together to go save the other workers and they took a plane over there they broke down the location and this army commander taught these fucking guys these guys like lee and guys like you how to fucking kill in 10 days they were really they went over they got a building just like it and they practiced taking over the building where the guys were with regular people 10 regular guys They promised they had to keep it going. Yep.

They went in there, they got the four people. Trementant dog, Ross Perrell made his promise. Dude, he looks like a little geek. Doesn't matter that. Like an IT guy. That dude got pockets. Oh, deep pockets. Oil money.

Yeah, he was, I remember at that time reading what he was worth and what he's worth. I remember Danny Carver doing it on Saturday Night Live. Oh, please, he was fucking nice. They're going to wild made for president. But he just, the America just wasn't. No. No, they weren't ready for a third party guy. No, no, no, no.

Some crazy. He was ready to blow. He was saying it. I wouldn't take that stuff from nobody. Me, I just press a button. That's it. Once you say that on TV, people are like, yeah. And some people in California are like, press a button.

Well, let's do that book on the podcast. No, but there's another book that you know. All right. It's called Murder Machine. And it's all about the rule. the Roy DeMayo crew. Who? Royed the Mayo crew.

This sounds like a Providence Boston crew. No. No? They were out of Brooklyn, out of Canarsie. And their main thing was fucking stealing cars, changing the vins, changing the history, and sending the cars to Iran and all those countries. And no matter what the car was, they would get 5Gs per car, Ford's, whatever it was. They were shipping over thousands of cars a week.

What in shipping containers and stuff? Shipping containers and shit. They had crews of guys that would go out at night and look for particular orders, special orders. I mean, it was a... And then Carnarcy is known for chop shops, body shop. So the pizzas they need went out to those guys. Roy de Mayo had chopped into those people that make videos.

Like, if I make a movie, you duplicate him. Oh, bootlegs and stuff? He had loaned the guy money and they were bootlegging porno and making a ton of money. So Roy DeMail got it with him. He killed the dude. No, no, Royd the male

was a savage. He killed him for part duplication. The guy told him, no, I don't want the partner. Fucking killed him, right? He began the movies. This guy was a fucking animal. How much are duplicated? He was given tribute to this fucking high-ranking Gambino

captain. and that didn't even have these soldiers. Like, this guy just kept them in pork jobs. But what people didn't know was that Roy DeMayo lent money and he also sold Coke. But his main business was murder. And he had these six dudes. He had these six dudes

that would hang out at this bar, Club Gemini. Creepy fucking bar. But next to it, they had an apartment. And what their specialty was, what they carried on to that. I mean, they went to John Gotti and said,

Listen, we were on Roy DeMayo gun, and John Gotti said, what are you asking me for? I'm not fucking mad. Nobody. Nobody. So this day, I forget who the fuck killed. Oh, the high-ranking captain, because that was the only guy he would talk to. So this is his story?

And what he would do, what his fucking main thing was. This is when, you know, man, all that shit is a fucking fantasy. and I knew it was a fantasy as a young guy. These people I come up to you, listen, if you give this guy money, you're with him. Really?

I'm a Cuban guy. They don't want my money. They just want my money to fucking tell me I got that spickaroo paying me $200 a week. You know, that's all bullshit. But this guy, they were doing drugs. They were fucking stealing cars.

They were making money, man. But when he got an inclination that you did something against me to invite you to a party, then you go you want to do some blow sure let's go next door i got this cocaine that just came off the columbian fucking mule he'd take you in and as you walked in one of them jumped out naked and stabbed you oh my god they stabbed you then the other guy shot you and they put a fucking towel around your head they dragged you to the time like a NASCAR pit crew just fucking murder

it was a they were a murder machine they put you in the tub drain your blood hang you upside down drain your fucking blood and then they go and start to the pots. That's my nightmare tonight. While you were fucking draining, they go cut the lettuce and the fucking tomatoes and the whole thing. Why? Then they'd make a sauce and by the time

the sauce was done, they go in the tub, they get you, drain you, and they cut you into fucking pieces, and put you into little garbage bags and put you in one big garbage clean. That night, they take you around to different neighbors and just dump three bags with your body and they're here.

I had here, rest there. they were doing it to fucking everybody, dog. And that was this thing murder. Fuck, yeah, if you're that good at it. And that's where that dude came in, that crazy fucking dude, the Iceman. That's who came in for the mom through. Lloyd de Mayo.

That's why they were the murder machine. It's a fucked up book. All right. I love books, dog. I know. I'm starting to read a little bit more. And fucking reading a good book. You don't have to go back every time

and read pages over again to remember? One or two pages. You know, I comprehend. My comprehension was never that good in school. I always had everything three times. Imagine now what you do is you go for quality. Three, four pages at the time. Show up the fucking thing.

Before you start thinking of your girlfriend in high school, I used to finger there. That's the thing. I'm going off my tangents. I got to go to Vermont this week. I got no tickets sold. You know, that's what happens when you read at our age. That's what I'm trying to clear my mind.

I'll be 40 this year. You're young still. But there's so much. much on your mind those days of though i couldn't wait they got out of plan and take your fucking sneakers off yeah take a book out and go i got four hours 14 minutes nobody's in a call i don't really give a fuck about an audition on email can't do nothing up in fucking yeah the sky here get it done and you read 50 good pages of a book and then you put a notebook next to you and while you're reading you think of jokes maybe a new

segue yeah something like that amazing because you're exercising your coke yeah yeah so i'm gonna have people on and and do books that i haven't read i'm looking forward to it what's your list of books that you're interested in reading i mean there are there are history like great gatsby i've ones that like everyone's read books like that but then like science fiction books i'm not really into that i want to have some people do that some science fiction stuff autobiographies of people I don't know. Doesn't really matter as long as someone is into the book.

Silence of the Lambs, another one of my favorites. Really? Kujo I read in prison. Tremendous. When I first read Kudjo in prison, I couldn't sleep for like three nights. I was addicted.

What's that about? Kujo Stephen King about the dog. Oh, yeah, the dog one. Crazy shit. You know, crazy how he fucks with your mind, that dude. Yeah, it fuck me up. That's always a finger in the ass.

Silence of the Lambs is something that is a masterpiece because I've watched the movie 20 fucking times plus and I've read the book five times, six times. That's the only book ever that is exactly like the movie. Fuck. That's just... There's a lot of interesting shit out there. Yeah.

All those years on the road, when you come down from blow, you got to get your mind back in shape. I would go to those borders books. This is way before fucking you can read on. line and shit. I dropped 100 bucks in books. Six or seven books. Yeah, I never did

that. I got to do that. A biography. A mobster one. I haven't read since school. Yeah. Since I was like I... Because they told me I had to read this. Exactly. And I got through an entire British, which is...

You okay? Yeah. No. An entire British literature course without reading a book. The class was all discussion. I would just talk about discussion. I ended up getting like a B plus in the class. But they're like 600-page books. I still have them, but I have never even opened one of them. I also want to thank our boy for the ball he gave you, Bob Lillings.

Oh, my God, yes. Bob Linguish gave me a 700-fucking page book. What is it about? On the three lives of Jimmy Page. Oh, really? Are you into it? I'm tremendously into it. What part are you into it?

I'm part of, no, no, no. Am I into it? No. Oh. I need three fucking three-in-hour flights. Yeah. I got them. Yep.

I got them. That's right. I mean, it's this fucking thick. I don't even think it'll go to security. It's this fucking thick, though. That's good to be fun. It's sitting there, and every day I look past it, I read the inside cover, and I go, wow. Can't wait.

This is going to be fucking crazy, man. But it's, you know, it's not like the old days. I'd be, you know, I was in Miami two weeks of the shot. there's no show Monday, Tuesday what do you think you do you put the TV on medium you put CNN

and you read you get smoked dope on the balcony you eat little Cuban food where you're at this weekend I'm gonna see the Phoenix how much more are you traveling Phoenix then the weekend after I'm in Denver at the Comedy Works

downtown then the weekend after Charlotte at the Comedy Zone and then I'm taking a little while off those are like the three hitters club Boom, boom, boom. I'm doing the next three weeks. I don't know how have you now. You've drank like six waters.

I have to pee so bad. I drank three. What do you think of deal with you? It's unbelievable. I'm Cuban Marine trained. It's amazing. There was a time I, listen, one time I had an ounce of coke, I was paranoid to go to the bathroom and let the dog out.

Everybody got trained that weekend. You hold it in like a soldier. Jesus. I have to fucking piss up. I'm like a fucking shark. You want to go in there when I read the ads and you come back? I just want to talk about what's going on with comedy real quick. Sure.

You're shooting a special soon. What's going on with you? I mean, I'm on the road right now. You're funny, motherfucker. I love you. I love you, buddy. I love what you did. I saw you as a young kid.

You had your doubts and all some, bam. You got on that show and you're on the league and you're fucking standing next to people who matter. And it's not how many people you shoot. It's who you shoot. That's right, buddy. You're one of us. I love you. I love you.

And I thank you for having you. I'll read this. So you're at the Phoenix. Stand up live this weekend. Stand up live in Phoenix. Thursday. Friday, Saturday, Thursday, one show, two.

No, you're like me. No more. Yeah, no show Sunday. It's a football, too. Yeah, you're going to sit there like a mama Luca dee a fucking cracking jokes to a bunch of people. Got free tickets to the dinner. Get the fuck out of here.

Can I think the Lollongis is for my gift? Yeah, go ahead, brother. So I just want to really show it off because it's the most amazing gift I've gotten in a long time. This is, like, a crystal baseball with some dirt from the game. It was David Ortiz's last game at Family Park. Put this thing.

Here's the camera. If I drop this on the thing, I kill myself. Here we go. It's just the most amazing gift. Thank you so much. I'm going to write you a thank you note, but thank you. Don't worry about nothing. We're going to send them a little thing.

I have to send them a thank you now. Let me talk to you guys about something. What do you think about your watch? I love my MEMT watch, man. It's, it's, I have the black-on-black one. First of all, it looks great. That's the first thing that matters. Not only does it look great, but it's also lightweight.

It doesn't get in the way when I'm working. I love this watch. It's just, it's my favorite. The best watch I have. Listen, MBMT watches was founded on the belief that style shouldn't break the bank. The watchmaker's goal is to change the way consumers think about fashion by offering high-quality minimalist products at revolutionary prices with over 500,000 watches sold to customers in 160 countries around the world.

MVMT watches is solidified itself on the world's fastest growing watch company, okay? Listen, Valentine's Day is coming. It's tough. You don't know what he wants. You don't know what she wants. But thanks to MV&T watches, all the gift anxiety disappear with the press of a button. These watches make the perfect purchase by anyone in your life, guy or girl. And remember, they started only $95.

Are you kidding me or what? For $95, you can have a beautiful watch on your wrist looking like a fucking doctor. You've heard me talk about MVMT watches and I'm sure you got yourself one, but it's Valentine's Day. Get yourself for a nice watch for someone special. You know what I'm saying? You want the nooky, you got to give a cookie. You follow me? Listen, go to MVMT, you can skip the crowds and standing in crazy lines at the mall and find that. the gift they'll love at the prices that beat department stores, all right? Movement watches start at $95 at the department store. You're looking at $400 to $500, all right. Movement figured out that by selling online, they were able to cut out the middleman and retail markup and providing the best possible price.

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This watch has a real clean design. Seriously, I've been getting compliments. People love Lee's watch. Now put it on, go to mvnteywatches.com slash church. Again, you want a little nooky, you got to give a real design. a cookie for Valentine's Day. Go to NVMtwatches.com slash church.

Join the movement. Also, listen, we're all different. You're having bad nights lately. You can't sleep. You know, line after night, two people lay on the same bed. But when it comes time to buy a new mattress, only one gets their way.

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That's helixleaksleep.com slash Joey. I got a half a yard. That's $50 off your order. Again, helixleafleap.com slash Joey. I want to thank my man, Steve, my little brother, Renazizi. Uncle Joey. Coming on the show tonight and rocking this out. He's going to be in Phoenix.

Don't forget, you fucking savages. I'll be at the Nashville Zanis. Thursday, 8 o'clock. That's all you need to know. one of my all-time favorites it's taking me like two years to go back we're going deep this weekend so do whatever you need to do

get there I don't know if I'm doing Charlotte I don't know if I'm doing to Atlanta I got so many weeks and I got to focus on different things you understand me. Thank you for having me on you can check out the podcast next week if you're on February 7th coming out all things comedy

hear me this book with Steve Renazizi thank you Uncle Joey this is a blast. I love you Listen, man, go listen to his podcast. You're going to love it. He's a great kid. This is a very interesting fucking concept. What the fuck?

Take a chance. Columbus did. What else are you going to do in an hour and have? Sit there and dream. Someday I'm going to do a podcast. Go fuck yourself. I want to thank Helix Sleep. I want to thank...

What the fuck? MVMT watches. I want to thank CISO TV. What is it? What? C-S-So.com, and I believe it's Joey, and you get one month free. Okay, C-SotTV.com slash Joey, and you get one month for free, and I want to thank my heart, my blood, Annet.com.

Remember 10% off on supplements. What is it, Lee? Onet.com, use promo code church to get 10% off. So it's promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H, all right. Listen, have a great day. We'll talk to you in two days. We had a great night with Steve Runazizi. Go watch him in Phoenix.

If none, I'll see you in Nashville, cocksucker. Lee Syatt, who loves you more than me? Nobody. That's right, coxsuckers. Have a great day. Stay black and beautiful.