The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #452 - Esther Ku

Episode Date: February 2, 2017

Esther Ku, Comedian and Host of the "Ku and The Gang" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water. Zeel - Get the best massage of your life, in your home. Get $25 off of your first massage when you go to Zeel.com/church or use promo code church on the zeel app.  Recorded live on 02/01/2017.


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You were just going to sit there fucking anyway. Give me some value in there, Lee, Syed. It's the church of what's happened now, Wednesday, February 1st, bitches. What happened to January? Oh shit. Oh shit. Just when you thought it was safe, motherfuckers. Lee Syatt

Esther Kuh Joey Diaz The diversity crew In the house Are you fucking kidding me or what? We are at church At the motherfucking church What's your bench made on it?

Is it? Birch? Who's your favorite Chrysher? First. Oh shit. Church. We are church. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers?

Uncle Joey here. Direct from the voodoo lounge with his favorite nephew, Lee Syatt, and his favorite niece, Esther fucking Cuckoo in the motherfucking house. Direct from Miami Beach, man. Uncle Joey Diaz. Miami Beach, Miami Beach. That's right, in these Zika streets. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. I brought you a couple vials of some Zika. What is that called? a vaccine in case you want to impregnate anyone. Oh shit. Throw that Joey Diaz superpower star spermage out there into the universe. Oh shit.

How bad is Zika down there? They disappeared, right? I mean, it's weird because at first they were like, oh, it's really dangerous. Watch out. Don't go outside. We're bug spray everywhere. And then now the World Health Organization is like, don't worry. It's not as, it's not as threatening as we thought originally.

Scary pregnant women. But yeah, it's fucking... It's scary. I was watching this news segment of this pregnant lady. She was outside and the news people were at her house. She's endangering her baby and herself by doing this stupid news segment. For what? Just so people can Facebook you.

I saw you on TV. Stay in the house with the fucking shades drawn and shit. She comes out of her house with the cameras at her house going, yeah, I don't leave the house much. I'm like, bitch, you're outside right now. You're like risking this. There's a Zika mosquitoes somewhere. getting your baby. It's fucking crazy.

That shit's going to... That's going to affect our life. Like, when is the Zika movie coming out? Like, when is... Oh, they're... When is too soon? They already have to Zika. How long do you have to wait?

Fucking sci-fi already got a fucking movie with that blonde chick. What's her name? Scarlett Johansson? No, no, no, no. The beat-up one. Oh. The one that was in Shark Nato.

Tara Reed. Terah Reed. And she goes on vacation. And she's in the fucking bugs crawling her purse. And then she opens up the purse. They all fly out of the party. Oh, the Shark Nato?

No, no, with Zika Nato. What is it called? This is going to be her with this fucking sci-fi. Zika Nato. She goes to fucking Brazil. She comes back. She opens up her luggage and all these mosquitoes fly out and bite everybody in fucking Brentwood. And that's it.

Nobody's killed more people since OJ. Would you rather get killed by Zika or sharks? I don't fucking know. I hate those type of questions. I just want to not be bothered. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't want people asking me creepy questions.

I know. I'm really creepy. Speaking of NATO's, you're from Miami. I don't understand. I was talking to a friend of ours who was down in Miami during one of the big hurricanes a couple months ago. And she's just like, oh, yeah, the hurricane shutters, it's a party. That does not make sense. Like, it's almost like hurricanes out here. Hurricanes, I don't get how it's just, oh, it's a hurricane party.

We all might die and our houses might fall in. But it's like earthquake parties here. I don't have earthquake parties. You don't? No. Well, you just don't like. parties well we don't know when an earthquake is coming it's not like the new oh right no no it's like my friend our friend went to florida and when she landed two days later that big storm was gonna hit

she went to some she went to a family's house and then like what are you worried about we got beer we got refo we shut the windows we're gonna have a party it's like a snow storm yeah it's a party it's a snow day ain't nobody gonna work tomorrow right so fuck yeah let's get fucked up and see the devil we're gonna do run from my houses the worst thing's gonna happen is the power gonna go off perfect Perfect. Power goes off. That means somebody gets kissed

is not supposed to. You know what I'm saying? Or molested. Or molested. It depends on your point of view. Well, it depends how many beers you had. Depends how many beers the victim had. Molest horror or molest D.E.

It's fucking crazy. What do you want to do? You want to sit there in horror? Play scrabble. Think about how many things you've gone into and they haven't been as bad as you thought they were going to be. And then you go, fuck.

Tropical storms. How did I fuck my head up so much into thinking this was going to be so bad? The same thing happens. Because television. The media. The media tell you, those, first off, those weathermen are 50-50. They're 50-50. On a good day.

On a good day, they're 50-fucking 50. This fucking guy here, Dallas rains, that dude is always wrong. I like when he gives you what time. Stop! Don't tell me the time, fuck-o. He always says, about 1 o'clock, storms will be coming. No, they're not. No, they're not. They're coming into four.

I could tell you that when I wake up in the morning. No, but I went to a hurricane preparedness meeting, and I learned a lot. What did you learn? I learned the safest place. Where do you think the safest place to be during a hurricane? In your basement. No, Florida doesn't have basements. It's all swamps underneath.

So where's the safest place to be? You go in the bathtub and put a mattress over you. That's right, in the bathtub. That can save your life. Tornado, you go in the basement. But a hurricane. because all these trees are going to fall and your roof is going to fall

so cover something what's the biggest object in your house right in a natural disaster a mattress what else they tell you you got to pack food they have yeah they have all this food that like like army food where you could just like add water yeah and and these meals prepared to go meals

there's like an acronym for them i forgot what it was MRIs right yeah meals ready to eat yeah like that's what the army uses i have a earthquake kit. I mean, I did it when I first moved here. They sell them. People got me so worked up when I moved here. Water? No, I have a water bottle that has a filter in it just so I do have water in my house, but I have a water bottle with filter. I have AM radio, solar powered radio. I don't know if I have that. I have clothes. I have some batteries. I have one of my car and I have one of my houses, but I haven't changed it in like six years. So I have like six-year-old

granola bars in there. I don't even really... But I don't know. When I first moved here, I was terrified of them. I was terrified of earthquakes. I was terrified also, but then I looked at my uncle. My uncle's lived here since 19- fucking 60. You know, something like 1960.

You know, he's fucking... And he doesn't have any scars from earthquakes? Earthquakes, no. I'm not scared because when I first came to California when I was 12, I had an earthquake. There was an earthquake here when I was here for two weeks. What year was when you were 12? What year was that?

It was like 1990. Yeah. Yeah, Northridge. 93. I mean, no. No, I mean, it wasn't a big earthquake. It was a tiny one. A tiny one.

So that's why I'm not scared of earthquakes because I've never seen, I've never been in like a crazy. A destructive one yet. Yeah. They've been saying for years we're going to have a destructive one here and you wake up here and you do the best you can. All I pray for is not in the middle of the fucking night when you sleep and trees are going through your fucking thing and the ground opens up and swallows you while you're fucking sleeping. As long as you're in one of those blocks where you're living on a flat block, how much damage can

it do? Unless, you know, it's the one this houses that are on the hills that I think are scary during an earthquake. Those motherfuckers started falling three nights ago. Debbie Lovato's house. No. During the rain? Somebody the other day on Laurel Kent. It's closed. Oh, holy shit.

She just bought the house for eight minutes. She didn't even move in yet. $8 million house hasn't moved in yet. And the house. Demi Lovato? One of those. Demi Lovado or the other one. Kind of cute singer.

I don't really. Yeah, that sounds like it. The side of the fucking mountain went down. Holy shit. In her front yard. Did she get insurance before she bought it? I don't know. I don't know.

It's five people live on the block. So there's five houses on the block. All of them pretty much got, they can't go in it out of their house. That shit petrifies. Yesterday I was... Fuck that shit. All those houses on Laurel Canyon when you're going downhill and they're real close to the road. Uh-uh.

I don't give a fuck if they want $10. I'll buy a house in Detroit before I buy a house up there. Yesterday, there was a fire on the sidewalk from a gas pipe just like on the street. Where? Just, I don't know, somewhere in L.A. I don't know where I was, but... You saw it? I saw it.

Okay, you saw it. Okay, you saw it. The ambulance came. I mean, the fire trucks came. And we were all like, what's going on? It's so loud. And the sidewalk was on fire, and it would not go out. It was a little flame.

It was like this big. It was like a tiny, cute little flame. Well, yesterday, some fucking dudes, stab three dudes. At a jack in the box right there on sunset. By what we used to. By amoeba, yeah. By amoeba. That's my fucking battleground.

God damn it. How many times I walked in on that fucking street? When I saw him at the corner swipe at the chick, they got the video of him swiping at the white chick and her running backwards. And then. He went into a jack-in-the-box. Lee, aren't you happy you went a jack-in-the-box yesterday at lunchtime? Well, that's where I was when I went to whatever it's called, Rosco's.

And I was walking on that block. So that's fucking scared. And like a couple months, like, it's just getting weird out there. Like that guy who just killed a girl with a shotgun. Remember that a couple months ago? On like sunset or Hollywood Boulevard? Oh, yeah, yeah. In broad daylight?

Yeah, just in broad daylight. Yeah, came up to a girl and just shot her. And then they found out something crazy. He worked with her. He had quit the job, something fucking just. Listen, man, that's the type of shit that makes you think to it. Like, if I was single, I didn't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

But with the baby and my wife, they walk to the zoo sometimes. Some guys just there stabbing the motherfuckers. But even if you're single, you should give a fuck. I wouldn't give a fuck about me. I wouldn't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm saying. Like, I wouldn't really be concerned.

I go, you know what I got a pack of gun? I got a bulletproof vest, that type of shit. I guess that's why guys get married so that you could give a fuck. No, it's a weird expression. Like, I wouldn't really worry about it that much. You know, like I wouldn't really even think twice about it, but you start thinking about all the people I know in Hollywood that walk around, that walk the fuck around Hollywood that live over there.

Schrader, that Schrader, Coenga, you know how many fucking people work at that CNN building and walk up that hill every day to go to that fucking burger joint and the taco joint and Joe's pizza. You know how many fucking else people? There's 12 floors there. I can't imagine. Do you guys get dark a lot? Because you guys are so your comedian too.

Everyone would think you're funny and happy going. Whenever, like, if I'm driving and whenever I've talked about this, but the ramps from highway to highway, I always think those are going to fall on me or when I'm driving over them, they're going to fall. I just go, I go dark immediately. I think the worst thing is going to happen if someone doesn't call me back. They're dead.

I used to think like that. Oh, yeah. And I've been training my mind to, like, not do that. To sort of, like, not let my fears control me because I've let my fears control me since I was a kid. And now I've made a big shift mentally. That's the cool. That's start hitting you yet. Yeah.

It's fucking hitting you. Wait, are you serious? how much does this have? Those are the 200 milligram. Which ones did you give me? These ones right here. Let me see the label because... 125.

I asked you how much... How many milligrams they are? And I swear you said 25. 125? 125? Yeah. Is that a lot? It depends what you call a lot.

I think that's a lot. I think 10 is a lot for me. Depends what you call a lot. We took like 2000. We took like 2,000. We're in training. You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. We're taking it to a different.

level when you start talking about fears and shit i can tell that star's hit me you're getting all fucking fu-manchu on me and shit it's coo manchu you're all fucking fortune cookieed out and shit it's coo manchu but yeah no because sometimes your fears can come to life in your real life oh fuck they always do they do right don't they show up don't they show up i mean a little jew How's your eye? I remember you were like... Oh, the last time where he got caught in the jacuzzi. You were like fingering your butt hole and rubbing your eye at the same time?

Yeah, yeah, he's disgusting. Are you okay? Are your eyes okay? He got that disease up at the fucking... That was his last day. No, no, no, that was my first impression of me. No, no, no, that was, she was there the last time I was at the salt point. I don't know if you were there the first time. Maybe I should scoot over.

I don't want to get what you have. No, I don't have anything anymore. Then the second time he went to the Airbnb. I'm sure you still carry the virus. Poor fucking leave. There's something. I never. had any sort of skin issues. I like when you huff and puff. Well, that's because he gets me all

worked up. He tells me I'm not going through training and I take edibles now. Someone emailed me like, you essentially have a heroin habit. Take a break. Take a break. But I was, I take it and he just tells, he, he likes to mess with me and he knows he's messing with me. That's why you're here. Fucking people take a break. They don't know nothing. Those are the same people that quit everything in their fucking life. We're not quitters here. We go deep into the murky water. We're not quitters. We're shitters. Absolutely. So how are you doing, Esther, Koo?

I'm good. How are you? I'm doing really good. I was talking to someone yesterday the other day, and he was saying that luckily he doesn't think that the edible doses are going to go down. He thinks you're going to get to keep your medical card in California, which I'm pretty excited for. It's a, I don't know.

Wait, what's going on? I'm going to eat those fucking things every day. They're supposed to shrink them to ten. And nobody really knows. It got voted in and nobody's talking. Then you just got to eat more. Listen, it doesn't even affect this. It doesn't even affect this anymore.

It doesn't even affect us anymore. Just to get to that 2,000 than you can in a concentrated thing. It doesn't even matter to me anymore. I wonder if like the calls to 911 call centers have gone up since these edibles have become so readily available. Around here, probably. Right? Probably. I know fucking we've had three people that went here that went to the hospital and shit like that.

Oh, really? Who? One of your guests? Yeah. Two of our guests had a boogie, and one of them just got up and walked out during the podcast. No way. And he walked around the park barefoot for like two hours. He didn't know where he was. Brody Stevens? No. Brody Stevens is legit to quit, Jack. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, Brody Stevens legit to quit. Ada. Ada got sick.

Ada Rodriguez? Ada was really cool. Ada's dynamite. I've known Ada for years when we were sitting talking, and I left the stars out just the way they are there. And during the conversation, she just reached out, stuck her hand in and took one. And 30, 40 minutes later, dog, I just saw a fucking change. Oh, my God. It's really weird. Sometimes people come on the show and they eat the star. And I'm sitting right here next to them and I could see the star grip them.

Like Esther Koo, I could see like they ate the star and they've done edibles before and stuff like that. Yeah. I think because of the light and the way we are and the way the light hits you, because the way, you ever eat an edible and go on stage? Yeah. It's a different animal. Every time I open for you. Once the adrenaline gets cooking and shit.

And it's a fun thing to do. Look at poorly. He's going through changes right now. I'm just thinking about all the time I went through changes. Oh, my God. So she ate it, and I could tell, like half an hour, 40 minutes. I could tell her demeanor. She was fine when she left.

But once you get in that call and you start feeling your heartbeat by yourself, you're like, oh, fuck. I got to go to the hospital, you know. So, I mean, that's the thing. A lot of people aren't prepared for them. You smoke a ton of weed. You live in Miami. You used to eat exercise. I rely on weed to exist.

Yeah. So, yeah, this ain't kind of doing nothing to you. Maybe I should eat some more. No, no, no, no, no. Oh. If in an hour, you're like, Joey, you're an asshole. Okay, yeah. Then you eat another half.

Let's test me. Let's test me in an hour. I mean, you weigh a hundred pounds. Good idea. Good idea. A rock in your pocket. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I didn't mean to fakely dose you, you know.

No, no, no. No, I'm good. I thought you were good for like 125 because I know you're a profession. You know, you do dog show, you smoke with them. So I thought you were professional. No, I am. I just, I'm not, I don't do edibles so often. How is the weed seen in Miami?

Is there edibles now? So it's more expensive than here. It's so cheap out here. Really? Oh, my God. You guys are so lucky. Because they bring it from here down there and they charge you all. Yeah.

They bring Canadian weed down there. They tell you it's from Cali, and you got that going on, too. I almost got arrested on a plane. You know, you ever smoke in a bathroom plane? Yeah. You do? You have? Once, two, three times.

Virgin caught me. The buzzer went off, but they couldn't smell it, so they didn't do none. Was it a vape? Yeah. Yeah, same thing. They smelt it. No, they couldn't smell it. So I was like, I don't know what happened.

And they were like, oh, sorry. They apologized to me. Then, did they say anything to you at the end of the flight? No, nothing. No cop waiting for you. Nothing. Did you feel like they were watching you after you got caught? Not even.

Not even. Oh. I broke my pen and half and gave it to my wife to hold. And then I go give it back to me. I put it in my bag in the sleep-happine machine. I threw mine in the garbage can in the plain bathroom. And I left and went to my seat. Then when I realized they didn't suspect me of anything, I just went back and grabbed it.

Yeah. That vapor makes, I thought, somebody told me it didn't. I found out the hard way when they're banging on the door. And I had like airphones on. So I had music on. I'm fucking stone to the gills. I'm peeing. I'm peeing everywhere.

I'm fucked up. I take my vapor pet out. Next thing you know, I hear, boom, boom, boom, boom. What are you smoking in there? Open the door. They open it. Like, what happened? And I'm like, oh, you know what?

The plane ship, I bumped into this thing over here. is that what it is? I'm like, no, no, no, okay, no problem. But that's how they nail you when you land. That's when they say something to you. They hate you with it, by the way. Like, I've been stopped when I landed a couple times. Cops have come up to me and said, uh, we got a problem.

But that's racial profile. No, no, no, no, no. I've gotten into beefs on planes. Oh, okay. There's no racial profiling. Nobody racially profiles me. I don't know what the fuck I am. They look at me, they think I'm Italian, look at the ID, D.S.

They go, we don't even want to know. Go ahead. Enjoy your day. You got weapons? No. You got drugs? No. Go, we don't want to know. You could be in the witness relocation. They think I'm in the witness relocation plan. I don't know how many people that I've looked at. Witness Protection Program?

Yeah. People think I'm in the witness protection. Why? Because I look Italian with a Spanish fucking name. Not just like. So you look suspicious? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's no suspicious here

They just think Like I had a guy tell me one time Guy you're in the witness relocation plant At a comedy hotel Next time somebody sits next to me on a plane And ask me what I do I'm going to say I'm in the witness protection program I can't tell you say that And he goes because your name is Jose Diaz

But you look like the guy from the Sopranos That's crazy You do look Italian So like a lot of times You play Italians in movies right? Yeah I don't play Spanish roles at all Never. I don't think you look Italian.

I think it's because of your voice. Shut up, Lee. He looks Italian. When did that start, though? I guess it's not even Italian. It's just like New York and New Jersey. Yeah. That's interesting.

You'd be surprised how many people have said to me, especially when I've traveled to smaller towns, like Ann Arbor, Michigan. You know why? Because that's where they put those people. Oh, in a college town? They put them everywhere. They put them right, listen.

A college town would be fun. How fucking crazy is this? Because college kids are so self-involved. They would never look at a wall at a post office and be like, that guy looks like him. How about the feds put a friend of mine that the Cubans were looking for in Fort Laudale? And they lived peacefully for the rest of their life. The Cubans are right in Miami that were looking for them. And the feds put these people in Fort Lauderdale in high school, the whole fucking thing.

Wow. Fort Lauderdale's not that. far. No, because they put them right there in your backyard. You're looking somewhere else and they're fucking, you know, inside, that was a very rare case. Like Henry Hill, I don't know where the fuck they took him at first. He went to Tennessee, but you stick out like a sore thumb in those places. Yeah. You stick out. So they have to put you. You got to shuffle it. They have to put you somewhere where you could mix in, where you would never suspect them to be. Never. never when you least expected that's a weird thing to have just because you've you've gone on the

run before but to have someone tell you that you have to go and that you can't talk to anybody what do you mean the witness relocation yeah or just i mean being on the run i mean because you can't you can't you can't call anybody i had to go to karate this morning with my daughter she got a belt promotion and one of the other kids in the class is a cuban kid he's cuban and something else like Iranian or something like that. Real cute kid. The mother's Cuban, the father's, whatever. But he's an FBI agent.

So we got into a conversation tonight. Into a mild conversation. Just about generalities where I was from, who I grew up with. And we started talking about the FBI when they first got Sammy the Beaulgravano. When they first got Sammy the Bogravano, the FBI

wanted John Gotti so fucking bad stop fidgetingly the FBI wanted John Gotti so fucking bad you ready for this one they made Sammy the Bulls

loan shark collection the FBI collected his loan shark payments before Sammy the Bull fully went into the witness relocation plan he was making $60,000 a month in loan shark payments

and he refused to go in until all that debt was collected he had like $1.5 million on the street or something still and he made the FBI go collect the debts for him he would call the fucking people up were the FBI doing that on the side or as their job as their job They wanted him so bad. A couple weeks ago, I went down to Tempe, Arizona,

and I went for a walk one morning, and I was like, when fucking Sammy the Bull Gravado first left in New York, and he lived in Brooklyn, you know the five boroughs. He lived in Brooklyn. He was a captain in Brooklyn or Queens or something like that. No, no, he lived in Staten Island, but he worked out of Brooklyn, and then, you know,

when he first flipped on John Gotti they took him directly somewhere else but where they settled was Scottsdale Arizona and while he was in Scottsdale he opened up an Italian restaurant called the Olive Garden no and it was called the best kept secret

in Scottsdale that was the the jingle on the book of matches and stuff no way it took them years to find but remember Sammy didn't give a fuck Sammy went right out there and started telling people who he was. He opened up a pool cleaning business.

They were going to go down there and get him, and then they hired Chicago Police Department, cops from Chicago to go down there and shoot him. But right before they got down there, he got arrested by the feds for ecstasy. His son was involved in an ecstasy ring since he had knowledge in the whole thing. He got arrested.

Okay. They put him in jail. jail in Scottsdale. But there's this fucking dude in jail in Newark, New Jersey, who's doing these documentaries. And he's telling all these fucking stories and shit about the people he killed. I think the first two documentaries were real. I think after that he just started claiming everybody. Like he would claim fucking anybody, but it doesn't matter.

One of his documentaries, the last one, he spoke about killing a cop in Jersey. and they said to him, who gave you the order? And he goes, the Gambinos. When they interviewed Sammy the Bogovano, when he turned himself in,

you have to tell him everything. Everything. I don't give a fuck if you ran over a cat, you better fucking tell him because they can't come back to haunt them. So during his interviews, they kept asking him,

we'll give you leniency, but you better than that have killed the cop. The order, for that guy to kill that cop came from Sammy the Bull Gravano. The feds right away, went to Scottsdale,

took him out of that, charged him in Jersey, and put him in Colorado and Tomahawk. He's under the fucking jail. He's in the jail in Tomahawk that's underground. They built it in Colorado for the worst people. That's where the terrorist is.

That's where Carlos lay there is. Because he lied? Because he lied. because he embarrassed the feds. Because he told, he was the first one that really went in there. So he had his way. Not only that, but he conned that. He told him he was never involved in drugs.

Then people started turning themselves in and all they all had stories. My partner was Sammy. You're lying. Sammy was not involved in drugs, gone. All these people got thrown out of the program because Sammy had lied. He said he wasn't involved in drugs. but these people, when they went in, they said, I sold fucking ships for the Gwiludes.

With Sammy, what the fuck are you talking about? So they got pissed at them for that. They still have them under the fucking prison. I mean, but if you're getting caught by the feds, you're going to lie. Not if you turn yourself in and cut a deal. Who's going to turn themselves in? Sammy did.

Would you? At that situation, Sammy the Bulgavano, they played tapes and the feds doctored the tapes. And they made Sammy look like a killer. So they were going to throw John Gotti in jail for 50,000 years. But they were going to throw Sammy in jail in there with him too. Listen, all this audio evidence? Right, it's garbage. You can't trust it anymore.

Nowadays, a teenager can just edit audio on their computer to make it look like. sound like. How crazy is that that? It's crazy. That doesn't hold up in court anymore. When you got a great attorney, he actually hires ex-FBI people to re-examine tapes that the FBI examined for evidence. And they find all the fucking inequalities in the tape. Once you throw that tape in, if there's a big money attorney, he's going to call for an investigator. He's going to hire an ex-fbi-sound guy. And he's going to come up with it's a fucking scam.

It's a scam. In other words, it makes you spend more money on your defense. So now I could attack you from a different way. So it's a lot of different ways. You know, if Scientology takes you to court, they string you up in litigation. Litigation means you're spending money. They got all the money to keep you tangled up.

That just keeps in their attorney $5,000 a fucking day. How long can you do $5,000 a day for? Jeez. Two weeks and you're tapping on. Damn. You know, the witness relocation program, I read a book years ago named Witsack. 20 years ago, when the Miami Improv was on the third floor, towards the back, there was a board as books.

As soon as I would go pick up the key to the condo, I would go in that thing and buy two or three books. It was my fucking addiction number two to cocaine. I hate going to library. I hate buying books that have been read already. I like buying fresh books. I don't want to be greasy, fucking disgusting things. fingers on my fucking book.

Or the pages are just more brittle at the library. So, I read this book with Zach, and it had stories of 10 different people. They didn't even give their real names, but how they had really succeeded, man. They had really fucking succeeded. Like, you know, there's some people who go into the Witness Relocation Plan.

If you look up the statistics for what the failure rate is, it'll blow your mind. You got to assume the feds are lying about that, too. I guarantee it's 50-50. Because you can't take the animal out of the person. That's the cool. When those people go to that small village... Didn't they take that rat out of that guy's asshole on Jackass?

I don't know anything about that. I don't watch that shit. I'm talking about realities of life here. I don't know about Jackass or rats. Do you ever see the movie My Blue Heaven? No. Do you ever see it? No.

Why would you? Why would you? are you in trouble. Because Esther, you're from Boston. You're shot now. So what should I look up for a witness to be located? Failure statistics for Wittsack program. And see what the fucking failure read is.

I guarantee it would blow your mind. And they're going to dope it up. But I read like 11 different stories. That's the point is. Of people who had been what is that? When I say that you murdered somebody falsely accused?

No, no, no, no, no. Nobody gets falsely fucking accused here. I'm talking about when you murder somebody but I murdered six bitches. So you, go, I was there when he murdered Lee.

Plea agreement? No, no, no. Don't confuse me more. Whatever. Alimony? So, I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about now

because Bote's got to fucking throw me off like stereos and shit. You know I'm high? You know, I'm barely holding on here. at the fucking memory and shit like that and you gotta throw something out like my wife to throw the whole fucking battlefield off. Sometimes I'm sitting there.

I'm ready to leave the fucking house. I got something in my hand and she'll say something. I get in the car I'm halfway around the corner because she said something to me on the way out. I forgot the whole fucking kid in Caboodo. I'm getting old. That's the cool. So the 11 people that went to these places, bro,

they started beautiful lives. Wow. Beautiful lives. Like They looked at each other and said, that's it. If I do this, we got a guy in here. We had a guy in here that came in here one time and did the church. He lived on Laurel Canyon.

I did one of his movies. He was the first guy to roll on John Gotti for heroin. And do you want me to tell you what his reasoning was to get out? What? That he had two kids that were going to beat big-time football players. Like they were like sophomores and they had already been hit up from college. They let him out, right? So no, no, no.

He took his kids. He went to Texas. They became all-state football players, and they went to the University of Colorado and the different names. Wow. I found that they're saying, so what they're saying is... They couldn't wear their own names on their jerseys? No, he had to wear a different name. They're saying that 17% of people have recidivative is...

Is that what you're trying to find out? Because that's kind of a failure, right? If you commit a crime while on Wittek, it's 17%... compared to 41% of parolees, so it's less than parolees. But they're saying that 95% of the people in the program are criminals. So it's... No, they're fucking ice cream people. Yeah, they're fucking criminals.

I don't know. I thought more of them were going to be like the kind of witnesses where I witnessed something, and they're going to kill me just because I'm a witness. Oh, I see what you're saying. I figured it was more than 5% of that. Who know? But it's... I can't believe you would know multiple people who have been put in that program.

God damn, man. To just be thrown, like, I can't imagine someone coming to my house one day and be like, you have to move your entire life. That's so sad. I tell you all the time, people get involved with people I know shit about. And all of a sudden, you're putting little chains in your pocket. You're living like you've never lived before, and you get blinded by this ether. It happens every day in America.

It happens every day everywhere. And the next thing you know, you go on vacations, you're buying nice cars. your wife is happy. She's letting you put it up her ass for the first time in 15 years. Is that how long it took? No, no, no, I'm just fucking saying that. No, no, I'm just saying that this is what,

everybody's happy, everybody's sucking this ether. You buying your wife diamonds, you know, and all of a sudden, the shit gets tight, and all of a sudden they come to your house. You got a kid that's five, you got a kid that's seven, you've been hanging out with criminals.

They're professionals. You're an amateur. You did pay. Paperwork, you moved a couple numbers. Guess what? Those numbers are going to get you and your wife 40 fucking years. And your kids are going to have to live with your mother in fucking Chicago, and she's an alcoholic and his dad bites his toenails.

So now what the fuck do you do? You got yourself in a bad jam. What do you do, Esther Koo? You know these people. You know when they have more money, and you know where the drugs are. You call the feds and they put you in Portland, Oregon. And you live your life under Mr. and Mrs. fucking Joe Smith. and your kids have to change their names.

Their school records get a sponge, you know. Everything is gone. Everything. So they walk in with kids. Not everything is gone. There's something that they do. That's got to be weird. The feds walking.

Being a kid being told. Can you imagine? You can't go by Joey anymore. Can you imagine? Your new name is. It's a, listen, man, nothing is free. I mean, they don't go to jail per se, but you go to jail. jail you go to your own personal prison because you can't live the way you did you can't go to the

places that they used to do you can never go home you can never go home you can never contact your family contact your friends from those years you can't do nothing and maybe maybe this just in movies but that is torture but listen to me they even had percentages for people who make calls oh do they they even had a broken in this book they even had a broken they even had a broken it down like the percentages like it was a book about 10 different 11 different people but they also had a couple chapters in there about what else happens to you in there how you get the program they put you in a hotel for a little while and then the kids get to know the marshals and you know it's it's fucking weird you live with 15 people for the next six months and then they move you

you you go to court they move you and then you have to fly back for the trials to testify Jesus. And they probably put you in a shithole. They probably aren't putting you in like some nice ass house. Well, here's the deal. Here's where the knot came in. And if you look even closer into it, okay? And the knock comes in.

In this book, they had it broken down because it even happens where people go sour after 18 months. You know why? Because you signed a contractor for the first year, the feds pay you. And they pay you fucking tremendously. I'm talking about if that's the coup, was working on the real estate office, making $80,000. She'd get her $100. You get your attorney to go, though she ate $125. And Lee, you can make $150.

So for a year, you're living high on the hog, and Omaha, Nebraska. Yeah. And all someone, there they go, it's over. And here you are, 36 years old, no fucking, you can't use your name. Where's your college degree? You just have to invent your way You have to reinvent yourself How many fucking people

Know how to reinvent themselves Three out of ten I know somebody who's trying to reinvent themselves Oh I know everybody who's reinventing themselves Every day Go to Hollywood Go to Twitter But not reinvent yourself that way

You have to remove your past life Remove what's going to get you Fucked up You know because, all right, so you never drank before. Guess what? You miss your mother. You miss your dog.

You miss your father. You're going to start drinking. That's really sad. No, it's a fucking, it's a fucking, it's, what's the best of two evils. It's both of them are fucking evil. Then I read the Henry Hill book, the one his daughter wrote. His daughter wrote a book, and you have to read this craziness. They lived in ten different fucking places.

The last one being Seattle When he married another woman Under a different He told So he married his wife Under Henry Hill But he married the mistress Under the fucking new name

And he moved her into the house Well, oh my God You gotta read this shit She hates her father Says that half the movies bullshit That she did the research He was fucking heroin Joey, you need a book club

What do you mean? You need a book club Tell people what to read Yeah Tell people what to read Recommend a book to them Well, my take, you know, like my wife reads Fucked up shit

After shit she reads And she reads in a fucking computer And they touch a screen and do that I hate that I need to read real books I'm an old man, I want to read the fuck I want to smell those papers Felipe gave me a great book I want to see how physically like how fast

I'm reading it When Felipe won last comic standing Felipe gave me a book called Esparza Yeah the Something crew It was about heroin When the Jews was selling heroin in the Bronx

with the Italians. It was just Jews and Italians and a few Chinese. And I tried to get the book. It was $250. And the only place that had it was a big library in L.A. So I had to go down there and read it. And then Felipe found

it and gave the Pleasant Avenue Connection. That's the name of the motherfucking book. Pleasant Avenue Connection. Is that it? Yep.

Damn. Felipe. The Pleasant Avenue connection. Oh shit. Boom. That's a good book. Right now, Bob Lillenghis gave me a book that I'm salivating.

I'm salivating. But it's got to be, it's going to be a week to read this. book the book is maybe five fucking inches of book it's led's it's Jimmy Page three different lives the guitarist from Led Zeppelin wow just looking at it just looking at the book gives you anxiety for so many different ways it gives me anxiety that it's not like the old days where I could just crawl into a fucking couch roll up five joints you got a half gallon orange juice some Adam cheese some crackers like a motherfucker put the TV on but turn the valium off and just start reading

smoke a fucking joint read fucking six chapters get up stretch drink some orange you just eat a piece of cheese smoke another half a doo and you're just sinking into Led Betelance world just for six you're you're him while reading it I love reading in that level now let me know let me Lively even more. Like, I used to read and shit like that. And I enjoyed it. I don't enjoy reading when somebody gave me a fucking assignment. Yeah, it's terrible.

Like my seventh grade teacher, the one who failed me, Mr. Kingwell, that motherfucker used to make you read a book a month. And it was an oral book report. So he'd just read chapters and ask you fucking stupid questions. That was never good with comprehension. You know what I'm saying? I never claimed to be fucking smart. I can read the chapter three times.

I don't know what the fuck I read. That's the other thing. if I really get into a book, I got to read it twice because I don't know what the fuck I read. So while I'm reading it, I got to read it again. I got to smoke a dude. You read it again, the whole thing? Like I'll read it.

I'll read the chapter twice. Oh, page by page. Page by page. Okay. But, you know, so from that I learned, I like to read when I look at a book and go. Like that book right there, the Hollywood Henderson book, that's a day and a half of me.

That's a, that's, I started 11 and I go to four. and then I get up at 8, take a shower, wash my monkey, eat breakfast, and go again from 10 to about 1.30. Amazing. That's how fast I can read those. But I just disappear. Like, I don't want the phone to ring.

Like, when you're reading the book and the phone rings and it ain't worth the phone call, like somebody's calling you to say hello. Oh, does you hate that? I'm reading the best book in the world. You want to call me and bother me. Hi, how are you? What are you doing?

Have you heard that? this new album list. Give me a favor. Have you considered shooting yourself and I'm gonna come fucking bother me and I'm deleted this fucking book? And they're just a lonely fuck just hanging out by themselves.

They have no significant other and they just want to bug you. But speaking of being lonely, that's where I really got into reading in prison. Oh, yeah. That's how I kept myself jammed up a few hours here, a few hours there.

I can't tell you how many books. That's where I learned to read. George Perez said, told me, in jail, it's just real quiet. Because I was like, is there anything you miss about jail? And he's like, yeah. When people leave jail, everybody's talking all the time. Like, in jail, you guys all have your own private space. And everybody knows it's like, don't bother anybody.

I would go to the library. I would just sit in a library for four fucking hours, read the paper, put a notepad down, make notes. Yeah, the library part of a jail looks like the outside world. Because it's a library. It's a library. It doesn't feel like a jail probably. It wasn't fucking the library of the Americas.

Were there bars? Were there bars in front of the library door? No, no, no, no, no. So you feel free. You just walk in. You just walk in, sign your name, grab a book, grab a newspaper. You could check out a book. You know, you could check out a book to your cell, bring it back in three days, keep revolving.

You know, you could order books. Like, if they don't have the book, you can order it from a different prison. Like they have a book of the month club type of fucking shit. I grew up in the library. My mom used it as a daycare. Fucking immigrants, right? That's brilliant. You're going to start doing that.

No, I can't do that shit. She would just drop us all off at the library. And we'd be there for hours. She'd go grocery shopping. She'd go do all her errands. Don't get me wrong. I've tried to be a genocet-qua type of dude. And I put on my little hat with a feather.

And I've gone to the library with a cafe. L.A. Raise your pinky in the air. I can't do it. Yeah. I like reading with the son hate you. Well, plus the library is just filled with a bunch of people using the Wi-Fi, using the computers. Yeah, I like to. It's turned into a semi YMCA. You live in L.A. You pay all this money. You sacrifice so much to be away from your family. Let me tell you something. You grab me a notebook on a pencil and you go get a fucking iced coffee. You smoke a joint. You get some nicotine gum. And you, you face the sun with an umbrella over you in LA to figure you got four hours of writing you're out there getting vitamin D why'd you come out of you if you're not going to absorb this fucking sun you know how much energy the sun fucking gives you when you need to write you have any fucking idea when you're reading how that warmth gets you even more fired up when you're reading the book and you're drinking a nice cold fucking water or something oh when the sun comes that's why I never like the library yeah I don't like the library too much it's dark

It's too dark for Uncle Joey. It's too fucking dark for me. I like to read in the sun, you know, a little sun hitting you. In the park with the grass. You can pull some grass out. Nice, nice. Lay down, lay down on your jacket. Very nice.

Yeah. There's homeless people in the park. I don't know what you're talking to in the park. Please, leave. I'm talking about Central Park. There's homeless people in Central Park. How many homeless people bother you at the park? What park are you talking about?

But you guys, L.A. has, the best looking homeless people. They're so good looking. I saw a super hot homeless guy today. Last week, for the first time ever, I went down to the Flower District down there. I saw things down there. I haven't seen it 40 fucking years.

That's horror down there. Where? Where I went last week with, it's a whole street. And that looks good, row. Tents. Oh, no. Tense fucking people out there yelling naked.

People running around the street with blankets on like an apocalypse. You know what everybody's talking about this is a zombie apocalypse? I swear to it. on when I pulled into that place. I got out of my car and I looked and the first thing I saw was a guy

naked, dirty feet, boxer shorts with a blanket walking around with his hair all fucked up with a cup looking for donations. I went over, I gave him two fucking singles. I said, get some sneakers. Don't do something. You know what I'm saying? You're walking around here with a blanket

fucking bare feet. Your feet are ugly to the mind. What the fuck? Not two minutes. I saw another dude walking with a blanket. It was nine in the fucking morning. How cold can it be? These people walking around with blankets, their hair's all fucked up, looking for food. I got two egg sandwiches.

And then you give them food and they are like, what is it? And then you tell them it's... No, no, no, listen, I bought two eggs sandwiches. The Korean dude, cut him in half. And there was two... Why'd you point out mean? I just said the Korean dude cut them in half like this. I didn't point at nobody.

I don't point in nobody. I don't know what denomination you are. I don't want no problems with nobody. I'm saying next thing you know the yakuza's kicking down my door. I'm just saying you're correct, but go ahead. Are you Korean? Yep. Oh, that's why.

You know I can tell you Korean? How? You have a certain beauty to you. Koreans are the really hottest of all the Asian girls, I think. I know, but if I said I was Japanese, you would be like, Japanese women are just the hottest. No, no, no, no. I used to date a Korean girl. You said that to all the Asian women?

Depending on what Asian, because guys do that. Japanese chicks are in the medium, but they're fucked up in their head somewhere. They're still, they're getting bombed. Who the fuck knows? what's going on with them. Then Chinese chicks are too smart. You know what I'm saying? Like Chinese chicks are just too smart.

They don't even talk to... Zuckerberg's wife is Chinese. And she's a doctor. One of the girls at the daycare is so Chinese. She talks with that... When you talk to old school Chinese people... She makes sound effects. Yes.

She talks to... Mm. Years. We went through Chinatown this week. I know. I know. She's very sweet this lady. I was trying to explain

But ethnic people and their sound effects Hallie Wong thought she wasn't buying it She wasn't buying Ali Wong She was too fucking Chinese She's still fucking pissed about something Dude You know you have to be able to make sound effects To communicate with Koreans

If I go to a Korean restaurant They don't like it if I don't make those sound effects What kind of sound effects do you make? Just like Mm-hmm I have a question I go You know, like to do like the accent a little bit.

Because they, I feel like they give me bad service if I don't do that. Because then they'll think I'm Chinese or Japanese. So I have to show them that I'm Korean, even if I order in English. You know what I mean? Are there really, have you tried the menus for like only Korean people in Korean restaurants or only, like, if you tried that? I can't because I can't read Korean. Oh, that's fucked out. I know.

Now, how long have you been in Miami for? For a couple years. Just a couple of years? Yeah. I'll tell you, it was a witness relocation guy, and you're going to put this together. The guy that owned Liquid. Did you ever hear that Club Liquid in Miami? No.

A nightclub? Yeah, in late 90s, early 2000s. It was a Club Liquid. Uh-huh. And Monday nights was Big Black Pussy Cat. All right, they would give you condom rings at the door and shit like that, cock rings and shit. It was crazy. I mean, I used to wear.

work Miami Coconut Grove. And they would say that Mondays you couldn't get flights from New York to Miami. It was impossible. Everybody was going to Miami, the fat black pussycat. Really? Yeah, lines, whatever, you know. Wow. And I guess the owner from there

he was dating Madonna for a while. He did Jennifer Lopez. He was slinging some dick this dude. Damn. But he was down there because he had killed somebody in Brooklyn when he was younger. Madonna fucked a murderer? Oh, yeah. So he went to That was the allure that he owned the club. Did they know?

Did they know he was a murderer? Well, when somebody has a gun, you know, when you hug somebody and you can feel a gun, you know, these girls, they don't know what he is. So he built up his reputation. He started smacking people. He turned it into New York City down there. He brought his buddies down there. And then he got rich.

He got fucking filthy rich. Filty rich. He was opening up another club. Then the people in New York found out. And he got rich, and those barracudas shot down to Miami to get their fucking paper. And somewhere on the line, he turned a witness relocated guy against the Colombo's. But let me flash to you. You ready for this?

Four years ago, five years ago? He had a restaurant on Melrose, just like that. I think we're supposed to, like, keep a low profile. Some people go in and go, fuck it. I'm not going to do that. Let them kill me. Oh, my God. Wow. So he opened up two restaurants.

Read it. His name is Christian. Let's see what comes up. What's the name of his restaurant? We're going to find that right now. There's nothing suspicious going on here, a restaurant. I don't know. Christian Pachello, P-A-C-I-E-L-L-O.

Try that. That's all I know. I don't even know what his witness relocation name is. I don't really know what it says on that. Yeah. Let's see. a former, was he born in like 70s, do you think? Petchiello.

Okay. He's a member of the untouchable car theft ring and a government informant convicted of murder. And he became a prominent night club owner in South Miami. God damn it. What the fuck do you think he dealing with some novice? Jesus Christ. Yeah, he was born in Brooklyn under a different last name.

And yeah, he was in the mob. And a $300,000 bank robbery. Fuck. Now, did he have a restaurant that they say the name of the restaurant and they said it went under? It was always very interesting to me. Okay, he opened one in Miami called Bianca in the Delano Hotel. The Delano? Delano.

Oh, damn. He opened it's called the Delano. He opened it's called Bianca and the Delano. The Delano. There are a restaurant in the Delano. He didn't open up the fucking Delano. The Delano is there when Tony Montana got the fucking Miami. That's the true of shit.

You've been to eat the other half of that stuff. You know what I put it? I don't know, but we got tons of them. I thought he opened it Delano. If you open it, if you fucking lose it, we got more. I lost the half of my star, the other half. Okay, which one should I have? 375.

Take the little one, the 375. This is little, right? Yeah, the red. They got to be red, not purple. Oh, my God. Yeah, he also dated Sophia Vergara, Naomi Campbell, Daisy Fuentes. Jesus Christ. He slung big dick.

That means they all have the same as TD. Probably. You know? Yeah, he was dating Sophia Vergara. That's what he was dating. Don't you think all these celebrities? They must be rabid with STD. They must be like...

Fucking crazy shit, man. Do you think, like, is there like a level that we just don't get to see? I don't know if it's a celebrity. I don't know if it's political. But maybe it's just like for people that much money. Like, how was Madonna a fucking a nightclub owner in Miami who's on Witness Relo? It just... That's the whole world.

I don't think we know anything about it. Well, this was before he wanted to witness relocation plan. He opens up this club, bro. Okay? He owns the hottest club on South Beach. Everybody's going there. Puffy Combs. Everybody's going every night of the week.

Somebody else is in fucking Miami shooting a video, and they're told to go to liquid. And they go to liquid when it becomes the hottest club. Girls come in. Everybody's kissing on him and shit. Who was he dating? Yeah. Sophia Vigar, Madonna, Jennifer, Jennifer, Lopez. He had a little flintz with all of them.

Nikki Taylor and Ioma Campbell, Daisy Flintes. You know what? Once you get away with murder, you could just conquer the nightclub world. He created this aura around him. He's a gangster. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And again, some people don't know what they're getting involved when you're going to knock on the door at 6 in the morning. Your parents are over there. And that's the FBI. I wanted to talk to you about your former boyfriend. If he had a gun, what characteristics do you have? And you're like, I knew he was a gun. Gangsler, that's why I suck this dick.

You know what I'm saying? What do you think? I knew and I loved it. That's the ultimate bad boy. Yeah, until he has like nine girlfriends. I didn't want to be one of his bitches. So I found out my gangster boyfriend is going out with 20 other girls and they all look like me. That's it. Yeah, that's it.

Do you think I should break up with him? Yeah, that's one of the weirdest scenes in, uh, is it Goodfellas? where like it's amazing how quickly the the wife goes from like getting money to shop and giving a blowjob in like the kitchen to mad about the man about the mistress and all of it like it's quick how quickly stuff can turn from everyone's on board and to yeah and that must be fucked about being on witness relocation what if your wife gets pissed off and suddenly wants to go back and tell everybody the government wants my husband to be in the witness protection program when Sammy the bull first went into a rap program his wife said fuck you oh no his wife said fuck you I don't want no party of you the neighbor don't want no party you're a fucking piece of shit once he got convicted he went to Arizona she flew down and yeah I'm your fucking husband regardless of what happened you gotta take me in the good times and the bad times it's part of the fucking speech you gift correct or no yep right something

like that. So in good and bad, I fucked up. But in the meantime, when I was fucking up, you were living like a doctor. You were smoking cigarettes and drinking fucking Malay Pinyan and going to France. You know, Sammy the Bull made a ton of fucking money. When I'm telling you tons of money, I'm talking about millions of fucking dollars as a gangster. That's tough to do. That can never be done. Like he was selling drugs.

He had construction companies. He had a piece of the union. I mean, he was a loan shark. He was in charge of gambling. That guy made a lot of fucking money, man. He bought a lottery ticket. Like, you know, like when you win the lottery for $1.4 million and you could do the buyout for $800,000,

he bought the lottery ticket. So he could cash it in and claim it on his taxes. Oh, that is brilliant. Shit like that. That's that street shit. It's crazy. Oh, my God. Somebody hit the lottery three times.

Oh, the dude from Boston. That dude hit the lottery like eight times. Why do you bowl? So wait, what you're saying is someone would win the lottery. All right, you win the lottery. He would buy it from, oh, my God. But besides having to just buy the lottery tickets, he has to win a couple times. Yeah, so he would buy out the lottery.

Yeah, he's like, no. And throw away the other tickets. That's who's buying the lot of tickets. It's fucking crazy. The mob is fueling the lottery industry. It's fucking crazy. And they're all in on it. When I got arrested, I went to,

when I got arrested, you have to give a statement. And I kind of conflicted myself, and then I shut my mouth. And they kind of used it against me, but they really couldn't. because it didn't say that I was guilty. But I played them. Like, I got arrested.

I turned myself in November something, right? Uh-huh. For what? A bunch of stuff, kidnapped and aggravated, but they got plea bargain, but I played that. Am I being kidnapped right now? No, no, no. Why would I kidnap you? I got you on a podcast.

Unless there's a fake podcast, I got to kill Lee. I got to blow up the fucking computer. And they're like, you know what I'm saying? There'd be too much work. Yeah, no, it's too much effort. There's too much DNA. You walked around barefoot. I bleed a lot.

You don't want to do that. He bleeds a lot. So when you got arrested? I walked on your back earlier. Did you really? There's footprints on your t-shirt. No, no. Yeah.

Rememberly? Dude, these stars are really getting to you, Joey. I know. They're getting to you, Estekul. You've already forgotten half of what we've done today. I know. Remember we went to get ice cream. No, I didn't.

So I played like I didn't say a word They didn't say nothing to me And nobody ever came to me and said can we talk to you Well we wanna know who you know Nobody ever said nothing to me Do you ever have a cop arrest you who's like a tiny guy? Oh they were all tiny So what did that how many people did it take to arrest you like?

I just turn around why would I want to fight them They have guns they got guns I'm in no mood to go ahead and I've never Disrespected a police officer in my life like I've never gotten really into a verbal altercation one time that two days after 9-11 I got a $450 ticket because my car was over the line at 7-11 into the handicapped spot and I looked at and bro 450 I felt 450 jeez 450 you feel 450 oh god I looked at that motherfucker I said

they just blew up the towers and you give me a ticket for five bills from being like that was the first time I ever said something out of color I've never had a problem with a cop onto the station and you come you're talking to me I try to talk to you like a man if we can't figure it out there we take it to the station so when I turned myself in nothing nothing was said to me that about mid-January beginning of February I got to an argue with my attorney and I had to go to court and fire him and get a new attorney which also bought me time, which is what I wanted. I would have fired 10 attorneys.

You know what I'm saying? I didn't give a fuck. The state was going to pay for them. And then at the last minute, I was going to throw my own money and get my own attorney anyway. Do you understand what I already had a master fucking plan. That's the coup. Yes, I love it.

So in the meantime, I had already talked to the attorney. I was just trying to save the money. I didn't want to give this guy this much money. At this point, I was going to try to hold them off for another fucking month. but when I went to court he couldn't show up that it was a Monday morning at 10 and I didn't go up in front of the same judge

that prosecuted me I went in front of that sentenced me I went in front of this other judge and he goes do me a favor I want to talk to you about not this case but about your counsel meet me in chambers go over behind here I'll have the sheriff bring you around there and when I walked behind there

I was in this room and Austin this door opened up and the dude I turned myself and went came in the room with two other dudes and then one dude had like a beard and the one dude that was dressed nicely it was just a regular nerdy dude they introduced themselves and they said listen man you're looking at a lot of time here the guy you got in trouble with before he got bailed out he gave us a bunch of information about you we want to show you something did you believe him no no no no I played it all I was young but I had already been to the

grill yeah you know At this time already, I come in, at this time already, I know I was going to do time and I wasn't accepting it too good. But what was I going to do? I did the crime. This is for all the other crimes I've done. Did the correctional officers treat you okay? No, no, no. By this time, it wasn't correctional officers.

These guys were, this is before I even got sentenced, that's the cool. I'm still walking around the street. I had to go to court to fill a motion out, to file a motion to fire my old attorney. So when I was there in court, the judge says to me, listen, since you fire this other attorney, come around the back and let me give you a list of something of the other court-appointed attorneys. My clerk will give you, my clerk, like a little old dude or chick or something. So when I walk around the back before the clerk could come in, the cop that I turned myself in, they came in with two other dudes. And they said, we want to talk to you about something. And I'm like, what's up?

And they're like, listen, you're looking at time. But we were looking through our files and look what we found. And they had pictures of the house I lived in, 435 Faraway Road. They had pictures. Faraway Road? That was the name of the place in Snowmass Village. Oh, my God. That's such a great name.

They had all these pictures of me at the airport. They were saying that this is going to be federal time for what I was doing. And all they got to do is get one of the plane tickets. They were just blowing smoke up my ass. And they said that I knew people in Boulder that I could help them with. And I go, listen, I don't know nobody. Who the fuck do I know? You're trying to convince me from stealing coke, right?

If I know somebody, wouldn't I be stealing fucking coke? And that was it. They said, we'll be in touch you. They never said nothing to me again. The clerk came out, gave me the piece of paper, and I left. And that was it. They never beat me up. It wasn't like the movies where they're like, you know, you have the answer.

You know who it was. They almost respect you. Yeah. No, no, no. They didn't respect nobody. They just knew I wasn't saying, though. I didn't know nobody. You're not a troublemaker.

Listen, if they were going to arrest me in Snowman's Village, they would arrest me. That's where they fucked up. If they wanted me for something at that time, for drugs at that time, they should have pinched me right there while I was in the fucking courtroom. They didn't, that's the cool. So when they didn't pinch me, that means they had nothing. If they had something, they would have arrested me. Since they didn't have anything, they just had a rat that didn't wear a wire,

that they were taking pictures of buying coke from me, supposedly. They didn't really have nothing. They were just assuming. They said I knew people in Jersey. They thought you'd be dumb enough to fall for that. No, that was, ooh, nothing. I was a dumb enough to fall for nothing. That was a tremendous fart.

It blew backwards, though. I got to shake my sweatshirt off. I don't know. It was a medium to small size fart. Oh, my God. This is a crazy fucking show tonight, Lisa. Lee, want you another star? Sure, why not?

What the fuck? It's Wednesday night. February 1st. Does the hog come out of the whole tomorrow? What's he going to do? Groundhog Day tomorrow. Is it really? Yeah, February 2nd.

See, I know. It's Gradhawn Day. What are the fucking people think you're dealing with? Joy Bananas. You know, it's February already. You got to order something for your wife. For what? For Valentine's Day's Day's coming up.

Valentine's Day in my house is every fucking day, all right? Every day at my house, what Valentine's Day. Every day of Valentine's Day. Yeah, Valentine's Day coming up. Every fucking day. God damn. I'm very happy about that. It used to not be Valentine's Day every day, but things happen.

People get comfortable with each other, and that's it. Everything falls into fucking place. Well, we're comfortable now. Now that you farted, I'm just not going to hold my farts in from the rest of the podcast. No, no, no. Listen, let one of those Koreans zinger. He loves all that stuff. He'll smell that little fucking dumpling ass until it's all over, that little dumping fart.

I used to tell my parents, you can't move your bodies when you fart. Like in America People like to keep it a secret who farted In Korea they all announced their farts Like Like Oh they do? Yeah as a sign of like

I enjoyed your meal Oh please I'm like stop doing that man That's the cool You keep telling me that you're working on a project Tell me I gotta go to the bathroom But tell Lee And I'll come in mid-conversation

What up Lee? What up? Well I actually I actually farted yesterday That's nice No What was that? Okay well here's the thing You know the microphone

us and I had a microphone here, one of those lava liars, right? Right. And it's attached to the battery pack, but you have it on all day, so you forget that you have it on. Oh. So in the middle, when we took a break from shooting, I went to the bathroom, and the sound guy probably heard me peeing, which is fine. I'm okay with somebody hearing me pee, right?

You've heard girls pee, right? All the time. Did you get a boner? No, not, not recently. It's fine. So I was peeing, but while I was peeing, I also farted a little bit. that happens to me every day yeah but like not like even a big one like

not even an audible one it was one of those like well I used to work in reality TV so I don't know if it's reality or not but um they like we part of my job was to sync up all the days like all the footage so like we'd see them especially when they lived on set

we'd see them all day in the bathroom all all that stuff but I've never heard I never saw anyone to fart like I never heard big farts. You've never heard big farts? No, no. I think probably you, they probably turn the mics off if they know you're peeing, because they probably don't want to listen

to it. Oh, you think so? Yeah, probably. Or maybe there are some sound guys who want to keep it on. And they like it. Yeah, well, I'm sure there's some sound guys, but... Probably most people turn it out. Oh, I'll just tell myself they turned it off. Yeah, yeah, they turned it off.

Yeah. So how, what is the new project about it or whatever you can say about it? Um, well, it's not a reality show. It's actually, uh, an all-female sketch show. Oh, cool. That's awesome. Yeah, it's so cool. I'm having so much fun. And like, when they send us the scripts, I'm like dying, laughing, reading the scripts the day before. So for a sketch show, are the scripts mostly, like, just, uh, premises for the sketches and then you improv it, or is it all, uh, written out for you? Um, a lot of it is written out, but they let us improv also. Very cool. Okay. Yeah, which is so good. So it's for, it's for, did you go to the bathroom? Yeah.

You took a shit? No, I don't do that stuff in public. I got respect for people. These people are going to public bathrooms and destroy that shit. But yeah, it's for seriously.com. Oh, very nice. Yeah. So it's a web series.

It's a, it's a digital show. It's amazing. A digital sketch show. It's amazing where Lee and I were just talking about this, that maybe we should do a YouTube show or something, you know, because I loved the net. Yeah. I love the freedom of the Internet.

I'm too fucking old to go on network TV and for them to say the word, you know. You can't say that word. You know, like, I am too old, dog. Yeah, you should produce your own stuff. Excuse me, I would definitely consider it. Like, I just shot this thing for Animal Planet, or I've become like an Anthony Bordana Katz. I would go to different cities and talk to different cat things and learn and teach people about different things.

People really don't know about fucking cats, you know. How many cats you got? A bunch of them. What's the questions? So it's just, you know, I like this show to work out, you know, but in reality, you know, I say some crazy shit on Twitter. It's not that I plan it. I go by feeling, you know what I'm saying? Hey, we can't control what comes out of our mouths.

If you leave me an opening, I got to take that opening. You know, I was just listening to an old tape two weeks ago. I was saying some crazy shit. Even legales, do you ever go dark? Every day, Lee, I live in the dark. That's the only way to get creative for guys like us. That's what people don't understand. Yeah.

We have to live in the dark. We put ourselves in the dark. So that you can enjoy a little light. You know, they do all these specials about the dark side of common. I'm here. And the dark side of comedy. Comedy gets dark when you add the lethal weapon to it. Drugs. Okay. Jerry Lewis didn't go kill themselves. All these people didn't go hang themselves or kill themselves. I'm not putting any disrespect to anybody. You know, Robin Williams was mentally ill. He got misdiagnosed and was prescribed the wrong medication, you know. We think with our heads. We go crazy. I go fucking crazy by myself sometimes. And I'll tell them of his. That vapor pen like a savage, you know, all jokes aside, but I'm reading this book right now that I only have a couple pages left in it. I read it 10 fucking times. I read it to motivate me twice a year.

It's called the War of Art, not the Sing-Zu one. This is a Stephen Preslow one. A friend of mine turned me out to when I first came out. Then a couple years ago, Bert Kreishe popped his head up and said, whatever. I went out and bought it again. I remembered it. It talks a lot about fear. It talks like what you were talking about tonight, conquering your fear, resistance,

all this fucking stuff that, what were we talking about? The war of art. The war. No, no, before the war of war. The art of war. The art of war. There's the art of war and the war of art. What's the war of art?

Stephen Presfield. What? And he's a guy. Oh, my God. That's a writer. He's a failed writer. and he writes, but he writes about the shit that keeps us from going where we're going. You know, he talks about your day on the computer.

You know, he talks about how. Your rituals. You know that I just gave you $50,000. That's the cool. You got to write this fucking book. So you cancel the roadwork, and for a month you're going to write this book. So for the first fucking three days, you're basically going to sit there and look at that page. and then switch to Facebook

switch to your phone switch to Twitter Watson porn you're gonna rent a cabin in the woods and Massachusetts all that kind of shit yeah but

he's trying to tell you that if you sit down every day for two hours and force yourself to sit out that's what the most important thing I get in the book

but the book is sold to people like when he talks about it he says this is for anybody wants that's ever been on a diet or quit this is for anybody who's ever been in an organization and just quit this is for you know what I'm saying

like this is for people who just stop doing what they love doing because they didn't want to do the work side of it they picked the easy road it's called resistance and we're all triggered by it we all have it you know what I'm saying we all fucking happen until we get ourselves into a habit into a swing of things is when everything works out you know what I'm saying yeah read the book it's a great book Okay, I can't agree. I don't know why I fucking referenced it. I got to drop books. Because you're dark.

Yeah, because the darkness, man, listen, I'm two different people than who I was from 2007 to 2017. You want me to tell you why? Drugs. Drugs. Drugs. You're going to see Red Man tonight? I don't know. He's at the store.

He's got a show at the store. Oh, yeah? Stop down here on the way to the store. Say hello to Red Man. Tell him to put you up. I go Redband, do me a favor. Here's my email. Send me to Joey Diaz's tapes from Vegas when he was talking about.

He was done. Look at those tapes and call me tomorrow and go, Joey, I don't know where that person is. I don't know who that person is. I have no idea who you were. That person talking that shit, that's a complete different person. That was 27 years of a beaten and drugs. But the only reason why I had gotten that beaten was because of drugs. Are you with me?

Yeah. That was the tail end. What was the strongest drug you were on? At that time, I would go to Vegas, all right, with Joe, and we were flying Thursday night. And the first thing I had to add this number to this dude. The dude had so much juice that after a certain time in Vegas, you can't just walk on an elevator and go to the 18th floor. You know what I'm saying? You ever stay on the ninth floor and you try to come up with him?

And Austin, they call me in my room, Lee, and I got to call downstairs. Let Lee up, and they'll leave Lee up, because we're in two different sides of the hotel. Oh, it's the worst. That's what happened. Well, this guy would just ask you, what room you in? 1809. Call me when you get in. Won't need to.

Next thing you know, I'd let him in. This guy would come in. For a hundred, a hundred dollars or something, he gave me an eight ball. For 120, give me a come down package. Two vikin, Valium, and a Xanax. Are you fucking kidding me? I was banging out an eight ball in a night. Jesus Christ.

Plus all the pills. Plus I would buy extra fucking Xana. I would come home on Sunday. Toxic. Green, green. Three days of no sleep, maybe an hour here, an hour there. I jerked off maybe 64 fucking times. I even came a nut sped out.

You know what I'm saying? Like my body was building another nut. Like I would just be a fucking mess. I would stay in my room with a notebook. There was a time my friend. friends that the weekend i made that tape let me tell you what's even sadder about that thing with red band it's called the joe show this was joe rogan's reality show that he was going to make everybody a star with he was going to take us all into network television with this thing nobody

bought it but him and red man shot this and it was pretty fucking creative for its time you know like it was pretty insane it was five fucking seven guys on the road me, Joe, red band, Ari, Duncan, Tate Fletcher, Eddie Bravo. It was insane. We'd pull up and there'd be a van waiting for us at the airport. It was like a traveling boys' band. So we would tape all these weekends. Duncan tapped out after one.

This is crazy. This is too much. You guys eat too much red meat. No wonder you act like animals, you know. It was crazy. We taped all those. So it just got down to me, Joe, and Red Band one weekend. And I'd been high, two nights in a fucking row.

I mean, no sleep high, hiding from people. But that weekend, I tell you about, we did The House of Blues on Saturday. I flew in on Thursday night. Like, I was like, Joe, we got to find Thursday. He's like, why? I'll tell you in the morning. Fuck, you, I'll say in and nobody. He didn't see me until Saturday night.

Like, nobody fucking saw me, dog. I had friends in Vegas that weekend that were visiting from New Jersey that were staying at the Bellagio Center they called me 80 times and I really like 10 calls I'd pick up and I go dog I'm rehearsing I'm doing something but the UFC

can I call you when I'm finished and they kept calling me oh we're over here eating dinner why don't you join us give me 10 minutes I'm doing something for Robert Goulet I was just lying to it this is 10 fucking years ago Doug I would not leave that whole Tarum.

It was paranoia. By that point, it wasn't even paranoia. It was disgust. It was disdain. It was fucking the worst. It was the fucking worst. I was powerless. I was lucky I was showing up to gigs.

I was lucky I was shown. And at that time, I used to cancel on you on Friday, Estacul. You wouldn't even know I canceled on you until you got to the airport. I went to pick me out. Wow. And then you'd call me. Have these clubs had you back since then? Those clubs are out of business.

It don't matter. Fuck them. They get all suck. Yeah. The two or three clubs I did it to are out of business. So I took a chance and paid off. Slade's Room and Pete. The Houston, both of them.

Both of them were waiting to me at the airport. Wow. I would get so fucking high. I'd get in my car. I drive to the airport and then turn around and drive home. That's how crazy I was at the end. Nobody would hire me. Yeah.

It was a 50-50 chance. I didn't tell you how I felt that because I'd get so fucking high. Sometimes it work on the way back. Sometimes I get so high. I wouldn't come out until Tuesday. We were always wondering where you were, Uncle. No, no, no. You didn't know me when I was crazy yesterday.

Me and Lee, we always were like, what happened to Uncle Joey this Thanksgiving? That's why it's why it's so weird for me. Yeah. Because now he's like a boring, like, like, it's not. It's not, like, I'll tell you. Like, it's gone to the point. I've known, Joey, for, I think, almost six years. I could almost pretty much tell you where he is based on the time of the day,

the day of the week. Like, if I know his touring schedule, I know where he is. For this machine to work, I have to live my life a certain way. You guys have a well-oiled machine. No, no, not this machine. I'm talking about for this machine. Yep. For this machine to work.

But listen, I didn't always know that, you know. I didn't always know that. It's not like I was born 21. I was like, I know how this machine works. Nobody knows how that machine works. You hit about 40. You've had a couple failed things. Things haven't worked out, and you figure it out.

And every year you get a little stronger, I believe it or not, you know? I mean, that's the advantages of getting older, that you see the game a little tighter, you start cutting the fat off of your shit. It doesn't take as much time to make a decision, right? No, no, not anymore. Yeah. No. Not anymore, but I still weigh the facts. Hey, man, I've made horrible decisions without checking or Googling or I'm one of those assholes.

Yeah, whatever, let's do it. And you eventually pay for so many of those mistakes, you know? That's what being young is, guys, is making fucking mistakes. I sit there every day and drive my daughter, my wife drives. I sit in the passenger seat like fucking an idiot and my little four-year-old in the back. And once we hit the 101, before you can make that right, we go straight. And for three minutes, Lee, I scare myself.

What do you mean? Like, what's she going to do with her life? What happens if I die next year? How's she going to grow up? Is she going to end up a fucking stripper or a go-go dancer? How did we get there from just driving straight? You talked about going dark. Okay, so you're just driving along?

Yeah, I'm driving. The sun's out. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I just smoked fucking eight bowls in the backyard. I've been listening to music. I had a protein shake. You know, I'm driving my daughter to the fucking school. Who's better than me?

Nobody. I got the window open. My wife's got classic rock on, Fleetwood Maca's on. chains, whatever the fuck it is. And all of a sudden, my mind just goes, what's she going to do with her life? How much is college going to be?

Will I even be alive to pay for fucking college? College is bullshit. You don't need to go to college. Don't worry about college. This is the thoughts that go to your mind, and then you go, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I thinking about that stuff?

You know what? She's four. She's going to go through a thousand things in her life. Just like I did. All right. And guess what? You deal with it. And you do the best that you can.

And you give them all the love. I love her with all my heart. I kiss my wife in front of her. She knows there's a lot of fucking love her and shit. The cat's lover. Lee comes over. We. It's our friend.

It's our friend. We. Come in. Let me show you the bedroom. You know, shit like that. You know. So they get it. But I still have my dark.

thoughts about it. Yeah. There's a thousand what ifs, you know? Right. I got to be crazy not to go that. What I experience in my life? You know what I'm saying? I found my mom when I was 16.

I know how fast your life could change from one day to another. Do you think that thinking about those jinxing yourself, sometimes I do? No. To be honest, I was raised not to think about that stuff. Right, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah. But

you always have to go dark in time to time. Why? Just for five minutes. Just go, what if, bam? But then, but then also snap out of it. Snap out of it. You know, don't let it consume you. No, no, no, no, no. As soon as you're there, you're like, okay, hello darkness. Hello darkness. Goodbye. No, no, that's the, that's the, that you were talking earlier. I'm quoting you, controlling your fear is turning off the darkness. That's all controlling the fear is the same. You got to recognize when you go dark so that when you go dark, you don't stay there too long or else you'll be in trouble.

And that works in life, too. What's up, Lisa? On edible. Look at fucking, that's the coo. Did anybody need to fart? No, no, I'm straight. What's going on, Lisa? Oh, oh, shit. I shit my pants in front of Paula for the first time.

I didn't shit my pants, but I apparently had, like, a shitty day, and I had, like, some, uh, what is they called? Hershey stains or whatever And she saw them And she's like, oh shit, what are those? On your underwear? Yeah, I've never done that in front of a girlfriend before

Oh, she found them in your underwear? Yeah It's okay, don't worry about it She wasn't mad, she wasn't cool about it Why would she be mad, like as if she's your mom? Because wait until he finds what's in her fucking underwear That yellow fucking stain of debt with that You know, they have that cat piss women

That little pad is fucking yellow Is dead sometimes and shit Especially they eat fucking cheese She's, oh, my God. You know what feels good? Getting smoke literally blown up your ass. Listen, I don't need to know that stuff. Have you ever gotten that done?

Ask her to do that for you. No, I haven't. Please. Tell her. You would get. You would be addicted to it. Let me explain something to you. If Lee asked her that, she would throw Lee out of his own house.

Lee would be sleeping in the back house tonight. I'd be like, honey, can you just spread my butt cheeks open and then blow a stream of air. No, but that's not how you're saying. You've got to sit it down and go listen. We've been doing edibles for a year. And I've got to tell you something. Joey's driving me crazy. Training, training, training, training, training. But you can't laugh. You got to look straight in the face. I'm going to listen. I need a big favor for me. I never ask you for nothing. Nothing. I got the bidet. You got to break down what you do with the scrub. I got this scrub. I got this little lufa. I'm going to go in there. I'm going to take a shower. I'm going to wash my

asshole real good. I just want to test it because I read in the medical journal that's really good for your insides and I'll get high. I want you to blow smoke up my ass. What's your wife's name? It prevents prostate cancer. Paula. Tell her it prevents prostate cancer. What would you think she'd say to you, I believe, if you asked her just like that. But you closed her. Like closed the whole time you're closing. Just do it as. You know, I love you, Paula. How long have we been together? I would take your dog, But I can't have pets. You know what I'm saying? If it was up to me, your mother would live here with me, Paula.

I'm asking you for one thing. Do it. I'm asking you for one thing, Paul. If you don't do it, you're fired, right, uncle? I'm going to wash my muffler real good. You know what the fucked up thing is? I think she'd be more open to that than she would be to, like, anal sex. Like, that's a no-no.

I know anal sex. Yeah. Let her have anal sex with your anus. No. Yeah. No, that's what she says, too. No, that's every girl. thing is, well, what if I...

Yeah, because the more guys... The more guys ask us to do anal ourselves, it makes me want to do anal to him. Listen, that's the cool. Anal sex talk makes me very nervous. I got to be honest with him. Okay, we don't have to stay there. No anal sex. Let's go back

to something else. No, no. You guys, speaking of prisons, there's a prison in Delaware. There's a hostage situation. I know I'm worried about my nephew works at one of those prisons. He's a guard. I think they They left the guard loose and they got a counselor and somebody else. You know what they're protesting?

What? Trump. Even prisoners are protesting. Wow. They're protesting, yeah, they're protesting the living conditions of the jail and they fear it's going to get worse because Trump did a bunch of cuts. God damn it. So something's going on. So I don't fucking know.

So, yeah, my heart goes out to those people. Yeah. I know that my dear friend. friend's oldest son is a prison guard somewhere. I hope it's not fucking similar. In fact, I thought somebody would call by now if it was, but nobody has called. I'm sure they're fine. Yeah, yeah, no, everybody's fucking...

I mean, the chances that, yeah. Nobody's fucked up. They just want, they just want thicker mattresses. Listen, man, I don't know what the fuck they want, but that's always scary. You know, when we shot the longest yard, we shot the Longest Yard out of the jail that had a fucking

one of the worst riots and fucking prison history they even wrote a book about it the devil's butcher the butcher's something if you watch the Longest Yard if I ever see it with you I get it's under the bar and we're doing comedy

I go that there's a set that there's the prison they couldn't the prison was left so bad after the riot they kept painting the floor but there was so much blood on the floor that the color red would still creep up every year

that's how much blood there was in the floor the blood was flowing like from all the people they murdered they cut off the guards' heads and put them on sticks and shit yeah these motherfuckers got down I didn't know about this either until I shot the longest shot it's not like I sit there in a home and watch Discovery and good

ghosts and shit, but the place was haunted. There was a deal if you took $1,000 for the producer. You could stay in there overnight. They gave you $1,000. Two people did it, and they couldn't spend the night in there. Were they filming you? No, no, no, no. Just go in there.

We'll lock the door from the outside. God. I don't like that shit. They couldn't make it. Jesus Christ. Yeah, fuck all that shit. Why are you taking me to these dark places, fucking? I had a window across from me when I was growing up.

Like, in my bedroom, Like, if I opened my eyes, it was a window. And I was always convinced that there was going to be, like, a ghost or a monster or something, just pop. I put, I put, like, a Lego piece in front of my closet door. Why? Because the closet went to the attic. And if somebody opened the door and came in from the attic, I would see that the Lego piece moved. How old were you when you came up with this fucking device?

Like, seven. Did your dad teach us? No, I just thought of it. That doesn't make anything. sense. Because my closet door led up to the attic. Right, but the Lego piece isn't going to scare anybody.

No, it's not meant to scare. I just not wanted to see if it moved. See if it moved, Lee. So some people put the pieces. If somebody open the door. Like when you go to a hotel and you carry drugs in the hotel and you put it, do not disturb thing, you get a little piece of tape and you put on the bottom

of the door. Why? Do you see if you're doing drugs? No. So if somebody opens a door, you you can see that they fuck with the tape. So you take a little inch of clear tape. When you close the door, you close the door, boom, boom. You're outside of the hotel. There's maids. It's a nice hotel.

You got 20 kilos of blow in that. Let's say you've got to go downstairs for two minutes. Usually, if you travel like that, you have somebody in the room, like a grandma, watching a Coke. You don't even stay in that room. You stay another room on the other side of the hotel. But let's say you're in that predicament that you're by yourself. You have weapons in there.

You put the do not disturb so that. You take clear tape. You take a little piece, and you put on the bottom of the door on the edge. So when they walk in, they break the tape. You can tell if somebody went in your door. What the fuck are you people looking at? Yeah, but they already have their stuff then.

You have to set up weapons. Because you know, sometimes you just want to know if somebody goes in there. Nobody's going to take them. You just want to see if a maid goes in there. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I guess. So you put the tape there?

No. The guy next to me does. Yeah, you put the fucking tape there. It's a service at the hotel offers? No, I call the maintenance guy, and I go, come here for a second. Do you travel with tape? I travel with everything. I'm always ready for that counter-surveillance.

Oh, now I've got to add tape to my list. I got two bags of kind of surveillance stuff. One in my bag and one of my travel bag. I'm like a fucking green commando, dog. Oh, my God. I got so much shit in my sleep apnea bag. I got speakers, wires, extradict. glasses, pens,

an iPod. I got fucking, there's always an edible somewhere in that motherfucker disguised as a fucking pencil or something, you know what I'm saying? I always got something and I got my sleep-abby machine now. I got a smaller machine.

So now, oh my God, guess what? Oh shit. I got fucking JetBlue on sale today in New York and shit. Mint like a motherfucker. Guess what, well? Oh, shit. Guess what, Roley?

One A. Two. Boom, two. I got the room all to myself. You know how we do. Dude, that made those lay down mincees. Oh, fuck yeah. I don't even sleep sat in that, but it don't matter.

Because I'm going to get on the plane stone to the gills. I will eat a little breakfast, a little three-piece combination. I'm in that bunk by myself. So I put the sleep-appen machine right on the floor. I put the fucking thing on. I press go. And the next thing you know, Mr. Diaz, Mr. Diaz, we're landing in LAX in 20 seconds. Put away your machine.

I get up by Joe Tip Top Magoo. I get in my little fucking car, and I drive home on the 405 at 905. At 905 I get back in the morning. Nothing's even happening on the Lord's Day at 905. What fuck you think you're dealing with that's the cool? You got to prepare. You got to be organized. You understand me?

Yeah. I love getting organized. So what have you done differently? Have you gotten more grown up if I last seen you? You look more elegant. I started taking showers. No, no, on the straight side. Are you modeling again?

What are you doing? You look like very, very bushqua, quat, you know what I'm saying? As they say. Oh, well. Don't criticize my friends. It's very contemporary. Parlevo, quack-qua. What are you eating?

I'm eating a star. Stop fucking eating that star because you're going to black out. And, you know, the next thing ain't going to be at Cosby's house jumping up and down with his nephews and shit. He's got nephews your age. You know what I'm saying? He don't need the aggravation, you know? Oh, fuck. Imagine that's like a nightmare.

Bill Cosby's nephew starts doing comedy? No. Bill Cosby's nephew brings you over, gives you a star of death, and comes on your feet when you're sleeping. That's fucked up, all right? Well, better my feet than... And Bill Cosby tapes the whole... thing now. What is it with you on coming on people's feet and neck? It's a dog. It's something I learned in the early 80s. My feet have never been come done. Well, that's what you got for

being a fucking stiffleroo. You got to have somebody shoot a load on your toe. I mean, I've definitely given foot jobs before. No, I understand. So just have them blast off on your little heel. Right. You know, look that you've definitely given foot jobs. You don't know what life is, though somebody blast a load on your ankle and shit it drips into the shower. You've got to get creative, you know? You can't just do it regular missionary style every day. You're in the shower.

The cat's licking what came off your foot. There's a little puddle of cum that's been out there for like 12 minutes. The cat starts licking it. Wow. After eight minutes, it goes bed. So it becomes fucking feral milk, whatever the fuck. It becomes yellow and hard and crust is stained. You motherfucker's a crazy thing.

It becomes like the side of a candle, you know, when it's dripping and it solidifies. Let me give some shoutouts here. Real quick here. Levin Asodarian, Joey. Asa fucking Durian. He's Armenian. What the fuck is wrong with you? That's right.

I'm very sorry, Doug. Levin Asadurian. Shelby, Alexis. Corey Layton. Steve Baca. Noho MMA. Congratulations on opening up your school. West Woods

Dante Gazzini Thank you for the album Cogsucker Matt South Tony Zero Fuckaroo McGoo McGoo Esquire Dante I got the album

You know I love you I went and got Eric Clapton today But I left them both in my room On the floor like a fucking moron So my apologies I appreciate the album He sent it to the store With a CD of debt

I almost crashed a fucking car Listen to that stuff You got people jumping up and down And trumpets I'm gonna man not the guzni i think levin alzadorian might be a jewish armenian guy so what what gave you yes sir look at my face what gave you the inkling yes sir for any reason i gave a fuck whether he was a jew or armenian you're always on the lookout if he's mixed with armenian

he could be a dutch and so no i know what i'm saying no he can be a super he listens to the podcast or he could be a tight motherfucker you know what i'm trying to tell you i'm long on look out what are you thinking that's that cool you're in no danger you understand you're it together yeah I'm good that's the cool do you have stockings on I do why do you what do you work at hooters no what the fuck I saw that before I saw your feet like this you have stockings are because it's chilly out so gives a fuck that's what being in California you can't put it stockings on is the cool what's wrong with stockings it just gives it that buqua effect I thought I thought I thought all proper women wore

stock that yeah if you're fucking 48 I know I'm you don't want to somebody to see the legacies shit. I got cursed with an old lady's name. What's that? Esther. So yeah, so rip off the stockings. What are you hiding?

I know. I mean... What's the fucking problem here? No, I have no problem. I wear shorts all the time. No, I didn't say,

I'm not insulting in the year, but why you guys show up here with stockings? I don't normally wear... I haven't stopped thinking about hooters and the bad wings and lung infections. I don't normally wear stockings.

Now you're making me, like, being embarrassed about wearing stockings. Listen, you want to blast out black. black stockings I'm all in but you're gonna show up with grandma stockings you can't do that the brown crowd I wasn't prepared to be roasted here no I'm not roasting you know yeah my me and my stockings you know I'm so embarrassed no no I love you I can't believe a lot of people don't do that that's why you're so original I like that you're wearing stockings women come out with those fucking legs they got a bruise on their fucking ankle I got to see you know what I'm saying put stockings

No, I have no problem. I get bruises all the time. I'm kidding. You have to go. I'm on my knees all the time. That's the cool. Listen to me. If you wait a little star and you're fucking out there and planet zero,

think of where I'm at right now. I don't even know nothing. I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. What's going on with you? What are you doing this weekend? Shock me.

Oh, what? What terrible things am I doing this weekend? What can I tell you that's terrible? What is it? You're going to go see Bad Santa 3, the making of? What are you going to go see? Now, go ahead. I know there's a plan this weekend.

No, I, uh. Well, you talk to girlfriend to drop it off LAX. That's a start right there. Yeah, she's gonna go down. Just Uber her down. Get, no, no, no, no. Lift her down there, you know, on the arm. Call lift, tell him, listen.

Let me lift mama down. Every shit dropped Brocks there. Don't come back till nine o'clock, and he won two cases. Nine o'clock. And you gotta win two cases, you know what I'm saying? Don't come back to you win two cases. I don't give a fuck.

18 years of law school, you went to France. I had to sit at home for a whole summer, jerking off into a fucking donut, hanging out with Joey, talking disgusting things, eating edibles, and you want to show up here. Don't come back to you on two cases, and you set a federal fucking appeal. That's all. And Sunday, what are you doing?

You know what you're doing? Back to L.A.X. one more time to get another two fucking cases. Oh, my God. I tell you, you become an attorney. I told him. Your girlfriend wants to become a attorney. turn it she can't find the job you want to got job going on LAX talk to those poor fucking Arabian people that are stuck it out of that man boy Malaysia whatever the

fuck they're from I don't fucking know he's bad at 19 I don't know no more listen people I'm not political I never claimed to be political I don't want to be political but there's the first time of my 54 years I'm 53 but two weeks who gives the fuck I'm sitting here going what the fuck is going to what the fuck is everything time I watch TV this guy this is how long is this going to last for four years what no no you can impeach right uh well the people think people can't make them impeach listen to me I have been this city for 20 years around this in 1995 I signed on an agent that was very literal like a very literal guy like he would always said he hated auditions he hated comedians he hated

going on the road. Wow. He wanted comedians to, no way. That's horrible. He wanted comedians to, if you signed with him, to at least have a project that you were always writing because he had producers that he could hook you up with. And he did. He pitched a lot in this town.

Wow. But his one caveat was that you couldn't leave. Huh? His one thing is that he didn't want you to leave. You couldn't leave town. No. What was I talking? Pee so bad

Well get up a fucking pee What are you sitting there like a Mormon for? You're sitting there like You know what man Take some paper in there There's no toilet paper in there Which is disgusting I don't know why

I got I got tissue paper But if things are bad You have to sanitize it No take the tissue paper with you I just take the tissue paper Okay go ahead Okay

Where is it? Just make it right there Don't pay attention to the camera's got no batteries. Lee, what the fuck? Where has this podcast gone tonight? We've got 18 different fucking directions. Nobody knows nothing. I apologize. What can I do?

What can I say? Nothing. You can't say no. I'm not mad at it. You hear the Captain Kirk in the Enterprise. You know what I'm saying? I'm over here. Just going for a ride. It's February 1st. We figured we're in for a fucking crazy night today. We're always in for a crazy night at the church. It's funny because you called me with that

advice for Paula yesterday. And Paula was in the other room. And she was like, who was that? I was like, who's Joey? She's like, what did he say? I was like, huh? Because you always have to like translate Joey's advice. Because I think your direct advice was get your fucking wife down now L-A-X. And but like, yeah, she's, it's, uh, she's excited about it. And it's, it's fun and it's weird when you have a job.

Let me ask you this. When you have a job that you like, it's almost, it's kind of hard to think about the work that you did. doesn't have a job that she knows she went to school for four years but here's the beauty of italy she's going to see something she's never seen before and it's going to bring something out of her and she'll make her decisions right there what she wants to do this and that this is what the best thing about throwing into the wolves was let her go down there you added a tremendous point you said she's going to go down there and meet people she's going to meet other attorneys at that fucking place you know so listen it gets her out of the house lee and it gets her listen

me going on open mic and paula going down there and trying to play attorney is the same fucking difference lee absolutely it's the same difference i'm trying to find my voice and paula is trying to find hers this is her shot you go to college let me tell you something lee if i went to college for four years and then three more and then took the bar what do you think i'd be talking about at five 30 in the morning to you about this is something i worked for right this isn't me on a bus cracking stupid jokes i would act like a fucking wild savage as soon as i passed a bar first thing i do is got a fucking walkie-talkie and a fucking whatever and every time there's an accident. I'm down there

pro bono, motherfuckers the death on an accident. Learning along the way, Lee. Learning along the way. This is my style. You can't find the job, but you're living with your fucking parents and you've got somebody

helping you out. Believe it, my line to you. No, and that's what you have you. It might be in disrespect for you. Not at all. The least you could do is get 25 fucking cards, get a walkie-talking. Remember last year? You and Salami were fucking And whenever somebody would make a left turn and go into somebody's poll, you would get a call to go take a picture of it. And whoever got the picture of it got $55 in the mail a year later.

Right. Same fucking difference. Every time my car goes into a pole, you get on your bicycle, you go down and you interview the motherfucker. If the light ain't working, listen, let me take you to the hospital on my bicycle. Let's get the paperwork started. And listen, when you sue that's motherfucker, I'm going to do the... That's how you learn. Guess what Paula does Tuesday?

She walks into Machinowitz, Machinowitz and Machinowitz, and says, listen, I'm an attorney, I got a number. I went to USC, but you might not want to hire me, but let me tell you something. Before I even drop this bomb on you, I'm Spanish, I ablo Espaniot, I can do the commercials for you, but, and I'm showing up with an envelope. What are you talking about, Miss Paula, Paula? Well, I'll tell you what I'm fucking talking about. I got a guy that was walking down the street, minding his own business, whistling. You know what I'm saying? Whistling.

Listen to an iPod, minding his own business on the streets of L.A., and he fell into a sinkhole that was fucking five feet. Nothing happened to him, but it wasn't a sinkhole that killed him. He hurt his ankle. He twisted the toe. Wow. It was the tree that fell on top of his... He survived a sinkhole?

Yeah, it was only four feet. It's a tree that fell on top of his... fucking head. And now I don't even know what day it is. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. I don't even know. My point was that. Well, no, but you have to put yourself

the, like, you have to put yourself in the situation. You have to go intern. You have to go do, like, I've talked against at a certain point, you're down with free work. But when you're first starting, you're always down with free work. Yeah, you have to be. You're always down with free work because there's days you might learn something

for free. What most people pay the learn. You might see somebody do something magical right in front of your eyes that will open your mind. Well, and I'm not sure what the time for of it is for lawyers, but from when you're for, like, for me, when I got out of college, after four years of college, the first year and a half of being an assistant editor was just learning everything new. Everything was new. and I would have to imagine a lot of being a lawyer that they can't teach you at law school. I've even heard of talk about that,

so I'm not sure how long the learning curve is, but 18 months. It has to be at least. Listen, you're a girl. Your dad was an attorney. He gets hit by a fucking, he gets hit by a celery truck. He was on the best attorneys of all time.

You want to fucking live his memory. You become a, fucking attorney. Okay. Okay. You know what? You get a fucking job. And the guy that runs the firm has four daughters. He's happily married. He sees you. He sees something in you. You see something in him.

And pretty soon you guys build like a fatherly fucking bond. Okay? Guess what? You're going to work for that motherfucker. He's an old Jew. Just from being around that guy. Even if that guy says to you go and alphabetize these files,

there's always a payoff. meanwhile while you're doing what he told you to do what you think is feeble what you think is so feeble you're above like i remember being out in the field and being a fucking know it all you know what saying and like me doing this this is fucking i didn't you know i didn't come here to do this but he's saying you don't understand for you do that you got to do this first so you understand that you know and you don't have to do how long do you have to do this for a fucking year until you really see what we're talking about. And I could come back to you and go, it's 38 degrees.

I need the mud to fucking dry in 3.45 minutes. And you're making concrete or something like that. You know, I'm taking out of content. But with an attorney, what Paul is going to learn in 18 months, is going to be invaluable. Whether she goes to the prosecutor's office or a fucking badass attorney. Like if you're around Cochran, let's see you get a job with like

God forbid whatever his fucking name is God rest of soul Johnny Cochran he died that guy when he tried the OJ trial he was at his best can you imagine being around that guy you're his intern for a year and a half during the OJ

trial you're going to see all the paperwork all the motions all the motions to suppress you're going to see all this stuff how much are you going to fucking learn what kind of education is that Huge. Huge. Huge. And, but you said the word, the perfect word you said was C. Because that's what you're going to do. You're not going to, you don't really get to ask questions.

I want to, you don't get to really talk. Yes, you do, Lee. I don't know. You know what, Lee? At 9.30 at 9.30 at night. Okay. You know, you know me, Lee. You know I'm going to be in that office. If I'm a fucking Jew and I'm making it fucking work for me, you know me, dog. I work all hours. I get up with insomnia, go work an hour. Who gives a fuck? at 9.30 when Paul says, good night, Phil. And she goes, good night, Paul.

Be safe. Is Lee waiting for you on the side? Yes, he is. Thank you for asking. That's when Paul says, can I ask you a question today? Why did you file that motion to move, whatever? And this guy will go, first off, the motion is not going to fly. I sent it out with Judge Paxton. Judge Paxton fucking hates me. But I did that for a reason. I did that to throw them off here to make them think I'm changing courts or whatever or venues.

Everything has a move with those high-priced attorneys. When an attorney looks here and he goes, give me five grand, and you're like, man, that's expensive. And Austin, there's another guy that goes, asked to come here for a second.

That problem you had, you're looking at some prison time. Listen to me. You're going to do four years in jail. That's going to lose your career. Okay, you might come out of hero, or you might come out of comedy. We're not gonna know.

Why are we gonna throw the dice? You're too young right now to go to prison. What if? Give me on your grand cash. I get you six years probation. Do two years straight, stay out of the clubs, don't go fucking drinking, don't get caught doing nothing.

After two years, I'll get it all dropped and it goes away. Donate a show to breast cancer and go talk to some chicks who've been kicked in the head 15 times and we'll get you off your thing. What would you do, Esther? You follow, but you'll see the difference.

You'll see the difference. You'll see how this guy go, okay, let's go to work tomorrow. Next thing you know, you get this paperwork, and he's requesting this shit and doing this shit, and you're like, wow. And there's part, so you get mad at him. You're like, this motherfucker gave $100,000 fucking dollars, and now I'm going to end up fucking going to jail.

And all of a sudden you're like the preliminary hearing and he rips a fucking rabbit out of his asshole. And you're like, oh shit. Oh shit. I didn't even see this comment. I've been watching Law & Order for 20 fucking years. And I didn't see this coming. And all of a sudden again, he takes you on a fucking six-month tour. But your life is on the line.

You know what I'm saying? Your life is on the line. You want to know what's going on. He's not going to tell you. He's not going to tell you to it's trial time or time to fucking negotiate your fucking plea agreement. That's when you get blown the fuck away. That's when you go in there and he breaks it down for you. This is why I did this.

If you went in there as this, you're going to end up as this. And you sit there and you go, thank you. Thank you for not robbing me. You know what I'm saying? This is the payoff I wanted. Everything you told me would happen happened. You with me, that's the cool? Or you some fucking where else seeing star.

The little buddy wrap. Somebody dropped me off at the Little Dipper. Good. That's what I figured in shit. The little dipper. Let me read some stuff here and we'll get you out of here. I'm really excited about this one. Let me tell you what happened, guys.

About September, with all that fucking those tours and the weeks before the CD, I threw out my back. I don't know how the fuck I did it. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't go. I didn't call around or nothing like that. So I went to this place called Back, whatever.

I don't even know what the fuck it was. And I went in there and it was pretty fucking damn good. I went there twice and they hooked me up. You know, they gave me a massage and then they put you through a chiropractor, which I had never experienced before. And your insurance pays for it. put you to like wow your insurance pays for it sack yeah yeah like a 45 minute massage I mean I think the miss that thing is uh 49 dollars and sag picks up 28 of it

or something I'm good I'm good I gave her a 20 tip what do I give a fuck I'm good you know I'm saying sack picked up half of it I'm still gonna give it to her off the top so the girl gives you a massage and the chiropractic comes in right next to she puts you on the chiropractic table she fucking hits place on my back, everything. She put tape on my back to hold the treatment. She adjusted my neck. It was tremendous.

I went there twice, and that's the cool. Before that, I had never, ever, ever really gotten a massage. You know, my wife rubs my shoulders and stuff like that. But I got this call a few weeks ago. Carbopactors are awesome, aren't they? All that stuff, you know. Yeah. But I got this call a few weeks ago.

to, you know, if I was interested in talking about a massage company that would come on and, and I read what they did, and I'll tell you something, I was blown away. You could order a masseuse online and Tipper Online, 1, 2, 3, they come to your house on time, effective, great reviews. I said, yeah, I love to work with them. You know, so this Valentine's Day, don't fight the car. crowds or a big night out. Don't worry about making reservations. Turn your home into a luxury spa with your own private massage with Zeal. Here's an idea to make Valentine's easy. Get a couple's

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Right now, go to zeal.com or on Zeal's iPhone or Android app and get a special offer when you try zeal today right now enter promo code church and check out to get a $25 off in your home on-demand massage who's better than you okay listen it's valentineine day what are you got to go to a restaurant you're going to give some fucking dead rose you're going to give us some dead rose what are you going to do do the same thing you do every year you know what do something different go to the supermarket get some fried chicken go home schedule the masseuse what was the last time time you ate fried chicken and had a massage of a masseuse come to your door you need to treat yourself oh please you know I'm a savage you know I'm a savage and he I love I love getting

massages no they're tremendous massage is getting massage is like just making sure your body continues to like work right you know you go out there you're running all your errands and all this shit you got to like make sure your body like flows like you got to knead it out it's like your body's like a piece of bread with pretzels in it I hear you were right now right now now go to zeal.com or on zeal's iPhone or android app and get a special offer when you try zeal today at the promo code church at checkout to get $25 off your first in-home on-demand massage. You'll love this stuff. Number two, one of my all-time favorites right here, as the lead told you in the beginning,

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Takes what to install it, Lee? 20 minutes tops. 20 minutes tops. And if Lee can install it, anybody can install. Oh, you guys can do it like ten. So let me tell you something. What is it? Clip onto the bowl?

It clips onto the bowl. Easy peasy. You just take the bowl the lid off. Like it just screws off under the bottom or however the your toilet lid comes off put the the the hell of Tushy down put the lid back on it's easy and then it's a little couple that you have a little adapter on the for the where the water goes into the toilet it takes 20 minutes People you have no idea you're sitting there at your desk all day you know what happens to your ass you get mold mildew haemorrhoids bacteria those days are done because now you can stop by the house and you get the portable bidet and you're living like a doctor

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so you go down there and shoot himself the debt and he can wash his ass and light a candle on a box of fucking matches and one for you upstairs in the bathroom, you know, with the pink carpeting, with the candles on, everything is beautiful, listen to Barber Streisand. There you are with cold or hot water hitting your asshole like a doctor. Why be a fucking orphan?

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I want to thank Zeal. Give back to the church. Zeal.com right now, right? And I want to thank hello-tushy. Hello-Tushy.com. And I want to thank my girl Esther, for coming on and on it always a fucking pleasure i want to thank audit for being the captain kirk of the enterprise always go to on it and get 10% off by pressing in church bam and get direct

to your house whether it's a shroom tech the uh the hemp force protein i love all that fucking stuff have a great week and when you're done listening to the church you can listen to koo and the gang go listen to koo and the gang on iTunes all right Lee i love you cock sucker love you too me didn't tell me what you're going to do so that means i don't want to do i'm all right stay black. Have a great weekend, guys. I love you. Oh, Nashville. Tomorrow, bitches. Don't forget Valentine's Day. I'm at motherfucking flappers up here in Burbank.

9 o'clock show, all right. But this weekend, Nashville, tomorrow night, 8 o'clock show. Stay black.