The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #454 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: February 9, 2017

Ralphie May, Comedian, who has multiple specials on Netflix and NBC, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Ralphie also has a residency at Harrah's Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. This podcast is brought to you by: Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 02/08/2017.
  

It's going to be a good day. The church of what's happening now is presented by on it. The days are back. The church of what's happening now is proud to introduce you to hellotushy.com. Hellotushy.com makes portable devices that spray your butt clean with water. Go to hellotushy.com slash church right now to get 10% off. That's hellotushy.com slash church. Oh shit.

Here we go, cock suckers. This is Donald Trump's favorite song. What? Come on. This is what he hears in the White House every night. This is what the Obama's left from. What? Here you go, Cocksuckuckers.

The church of what's happening now, Wednesday, February 8th. Who's better than you? Kick that horse, Lee. Uh-huh. Come on, come on. Oh, shit. And you thought this was just a podcast, huh? This is a fucking party way.

Here we go, black people jump up and down. Come on, black people. Mexicans jump up and down. Let's go, Spitz. Armenians, do your thing. Oh, where one for jungle? Wiggle, cock suck, or wiggle. Here we go, the intensity.

Oh, shit. There's a white chick suck black dixon in the 70s. Fuck, yeah. Oh, here we go. Hey, samma kosa. Summa Kuzha. Lee Syed. Ralphie Mae.

Oh shit. And Uncle Joey. Mattelie! What the fuck? What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here, the church of what's happening now? It's a beautiful motherfucker night. I'm happy you get to join us. Lee Syatt's here.

And yes, again, my brother, Mr. Ralphie Mae. Hi, everybody. If he's in town, we bump motherfuckers or Ralphie Mae. I had to tell somebody today something happened. The fucking studio burnt down. I'll call you next week. I'm sure I got blamed. Oh, you always got the blame.

I always told Leah the bus. You put water on the computer. You get people over there and shit. I'm sorry about the periscope this morning. What happened was this. Let me explain to you the hell I lived it, okay? Joe Rogan's my brother. I love him to death, but he gets a lot of creepy fucking people.

Yeah. That listen to him and the creepy people, when they can't get through the hymn, they start going down the line. So they go to Duncan. When Duncan tells them to fuck off, they go to Ari. When Ari tells them to fuck off, they'll come to me. When I talk to fuck off, they'll go to Brian.

When Brian tells them to fuck off, they'll go to Tony Hinchcliffe. When Tony Hinchcliffe, they'll go to Saratiana. And it's on and onward and onward. So this started three weeks ago in Cleveland. I had a flying early the night before, right? I get there, my fucking sleep apnea machine breaks. At 6 o'clock at night, I got to get a new fucking one. Why?

What am I going to get a panic mode? I got radio on Thursday morning. I got to be alert. I'm not going to go to fucking see what I'm saying. Let me not deal with this. Let me go get something to eat with these dudes from L.A. that wanted to play with me, that I know him. And I'll come back and I'll deal with this shit.

I'll figure it out. I'll scotch tape it. I'll do something, you know. I go. I eat with these two guys. It's cold out there. You know the hotel in Cleveland where you stay right down the corner from I walk in and there's these two people there.

I don't think about nothing. You know, I just see two people. That's what my job is. I'm talking to these two guys, and all of a sudden, they're looking over at us. And they keep looking and looking and looking. And I try to, I go, they're here for a fucking picture. God damn it. I know.

And next thing, you know, I go real loud, I go, listen, my sleep apnea machine broke to the guys. I go, let me go upstairs and deal with this. I turn around. The guy chases me with the girl. They come up to me and like, listen, listen, listen, listen. We got your present, but it's in our car. Right away, that's not going to happen. Right.

We didn't know if we'd see you or not. Well, listen, I'm not walking to no car. You come into the show? Would you like me to leave you tickets for the show? That's nice. Yes, we would. I mean, that's how fast it was. I'm in a rush, guy.

Yeah. I got to go figure out the sleep at in your fucking thing. So do you want tickets for the show? We took a picture, and while we're taking the picture, that's when he starts to shit the guy. What about fucking going to fucking some country, the jungle of Amazon, and doing fucking ayahuasca? And all this shit that I don't even...

Dirty white people. I don't need to hear this shit. This is not for me. You want to take a chance, go to the Bronx and get a $3 bag of heroin. You don't need to go all the way to fucking... But for... What, you know... Listen, before you move to L.A., you see how these fucking idiots work.

You're watching TV and you try to lose weight and you're working real hard. You're doing jumping jacks. I'm a little Hollywood guy comes on and goes, I have a new revolutionary way to lose weight. We do this. These motherfuckers always got the next... the answer. Well, guess what? I'm from the 70s, bitch. That was the answer. That was the answer. You motherfuckers a steep living off the 70s. Every TV show, every fucking movie, you guys are living off

the fucking 70s, okay? So when I see all, it's like quailudes. Quailudes are great. They became ecstasy. Yeah. That's what happens. They become ecstasy, but it's the same cousin to the fucking quailout. The same thing that just evolved. Me, listen, you want the answer? Take a hit of acid. When my mother was dead, three, four months. How do you think I I recover from the pain. I eat ass on every fucking night. And that breaks down whatever problem you have. You don't need to go to ayahuasca in the jungle and have a shaman around your breathing. Stinky dirty. All you need is a $3 hit of some good fucking window pain. You put on Black Sabbath, fucking Sabbit, bloody Sabbath, the answer to your questions will come to you. I don't care if you

put the Beatles help on. The answers to your questions will come to you. I'm telling you this as a man, because this is what I did for fucking years when I was recovering off the biggest pain you could possibly have in your fucking life. So don't fucking tell me my fucking job, okay? And I'm going to tell you in front of somebody, just so you guys know, and he's going to tell you, this November I'm going to be clean off Coke for 10 years, Ralphie. I know. 10 fucking years.

Can you believe that? Fuck, yes. Did I go to get robes game? Did I go to Brazil? No. Did I go get hugs? Did I go to rehab? No.

I need to go to fucking AA and get to, you know, all these people in L.A. Go to AA and they get clean. Yeah. But two weeks later, they go to a doctor, and they give them a stretch of pills. Yeah. And also, they have all these symptoms, these fake fucking symptoms. Symptoms. And they're giving you pills, so you're just drugged up on pills,

but you're still going to people telling them you're on AA. Yeah, yeah. And not for nothing. I was there the last night. You had a great fucking run, and that was a great last night to go out on. I had a great fucking thing. That was a great fucking night. I had a 27-year run on fucking bloke.

Yeah, but I was there at the fucking finish line, dude. I know. Dude, you smoked an ounce of mine fucking Mato G. G. Weed, an ounce, okay? after eating like four dinners it was terrific food all right

and we're laughing our butts off and then I bring out mushrooms oh after after dinner fucking get you started let the day go let's remember the Indians natives ahoo all right and we put with the Indians

remember what happened I love the Indians are you kidding me don't bring the fucking Indians up I love them the last time you brought Indians up you had to do benefits I still do it with a tomahawk somewhere fuck yeah no I know I sent that kid to camp

space camp I'm fucking helping out at natives. I'm fucking saving them. Somebody's got to do it. Anyway, listen to this garbage. I, I, we did, I bring out an ounce of fucking great mushrooms. Hawaiian ones. Have you ever had the Hawaiian ones?

I don't know. You'll have to ask him. Okay. The regular ones are a little bit bigger. The Hawaiians are smaller and the cap sticker. All right? And I brought out a fucking ounce of the most deadly fucking mushrooms on the planet. Coco ate half an ounce of mushrooms

Okay, half an ounce Do you understand me? Why? On top of smoking, because it was Thanksgiving And he was goddamn thankful All right? He did all of that over the course of like six hours Okay?

And then went to the comedy store And to the set, a la Theo Vaughan. Pau! Zoom straight to the moon And the fucking lights in there were turning purple. The whole original room was purple And I'm in there telling jokes on stage. Oh, my God.

I was the only one in the room. I couldn't even see the audience members. I got in my fucking car. So funny. And I got the fuck out of there. But 10 years with no drama. No. Oh, my God.

I feel like doing, I'm going to re. What's that? What's the word they use? I'm going to re. Relapse. What the fuck are you talking about? You make a decision. Right.

You set your mind. Here's how you quit. I ain't doing that no more. I ain't doing it no more. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. guys. There was no 12 steps. There was no 12 steps. There's no hard. Coco took the escalator. There's no fucking here.

I ain't gonna do no more. I ain't gonna do no more. I don't want this poor girl I'm with to find me on the floor dead. I don't want her to walk out of the bedroom and see fat little legs in the kitchen. Yeah. Turn in purple because I want to do blow in front of it. I can't do it no more. And that's pretty much the fucking end of it.

Dude, that was real a shit, man. But it's like we had so much drama to getting high. Like, I like to just roll a joint. No, no, no. You got a roll a joint and cut a match. book and put a filter. What filter are you talking about? What filter are you talking?

A matchbook cover? You got to be cool. Everybody wants to be fucking cool. I'm through it cool. Right. I didn't play that game. Well, I'm from it. I didn't play the cool game.

You would just fucking either you were cool or you didn't. Nobody teaches you. You putting on a t-shirt doesn't make you cool. No. You put in a goatee and shaving it real tight. You know, like a fucking half a fag. That don't make you fucking cool. You know what I'm saying?

But it does tick on my balls. Yes, it does. Yes. Burbby in LA wants to be cool. Hold on. I'm going to go to Mexico City. I have a doctor that does how you want. Shut the fuck up.

Just take it. Listen. If you're not going to do a hit ass or take a $3 bag of heroin, just leave me the fuck alone. It's not my world. It's not my world. I don't even want to listen to that kind of talk. I never did.

There's the reason people are just hearing about it now. It's fucking stupid. I know. And listen, it helps people with opiate updictions and it helps all these type of, people and shit like this. But you know what? Take it to somebody else.

I'm an old school type of fucking guy, and that's the way I'm going to go out. Lee and me have conversations every night, and Lee looks at me because he knows I don't give a fuck. I don't know what you're talking about. You want an adventure? Go to the boogie down Bronx. I'll surround you with 20 black guys and three Puerto Ricans.

And that's an adventure right there. You don't need to make till you can tell your friends at Starbucks. I went to Brazil. Oh, my God, you're so, you're so strong and valiant shut the fuck up these are the same people that were going to go to Canada when fucking Trump became pre. You know, I'm just sick

dog, it gets old man. No shit, dude. It gets fucking old. I come from a different fucking society of people and men act like men. You know, every night of time, the fucking TV on tonight they're protesting again. How many times I'm going to tell you, there's no future in protesting? There's none.

There's no future. People who do that. Oh, you know how to get a bitch. They go down there to fucking with a hole in their chest. Just do drugs like I did. You don't have to mingle and to be cool. So people go, oh, my God, you're marching. Fuck you. Fuck you. I got better things to do with my time.

It's called life. Yeah, you're creating traffic. I know you don't like Trump, but go fuck yourself. You're fucking making traffic, you, cunt. I hope you fall get AIDS in your mouth. Fuck you. All right? They're a bunch of dicks, okay?

I got stuck in one of that goddamn woman march, and I didn't know why they were bitching. Okay, all right, you don't like, Trump. Hey, you guess what? Maybe you should have matched your ass to the fucking voting booth. All right? Because he told you three weeks before. Hey, I'm going to grab you by the pussy.

And you know what? Most of America was like, I'm cool with that. That's all right. I can overlook that. Nobody likes fucking Trump. Everybody's mad of fucking Trump. Yeah. They should have done something when they had the shot. Okay? You know, what bitching me about being a Democrat is fucking

you have until the end of the game to win the fucking game, Coco. You have until the end of fucking last play. All right? Like fucking... New England on Sunday. Yeah, New England on Sunday. You thought it was over?

No, we got overtime. Now we're going to settle it. Okay? All right? And instead, all right, these assholes, these little fucking Democrat pussies are all fucking crying.

Ooh, I want to recount. I want a fucking recount. I want to get the electoral college not to do this. Do, do, do, do. You lose on Sunday. You don't wake up. Nobody from the Falcons woke up on Monday and go, man, you know, everybody, I know we lost yesterday and the biggest, you know, fucking choke you could ever lose.

All right, but we really wanted to win. So now if everybody just agrees that we'll just say that we won, that's cool, right? That's cool. It's cool that we won the Super Bowl, even though New England won, but we really won. You know what I mean? It's like you fucking, I don't give a fucking referee valet. Adamere Putin blew the fucking call. I don't give it.

shit. You fucking lost, you lost. You know what, bro? The way I look out of this, they had Bernie Sanders. They had Joe Biden, a man. You had Bernie Sanders, but you drank the fucking juice of being cool and a woman president. You jumped up and down, like a fucking Momo that you saw. You know,

you fooled the country one time. I'm not saying fooled the country. But Obama was one of those weird presidencies. It wasn't going to to happen twice, bro. You know, the who said it best, we won't get fooled again. Yeah. We won't get fooled again with the fucking smoking mirrors and the

Priuses and the, you know, I know people who were buying clothes to go to Hillary Party, Clinton parties. Oh, yeah? On the west side. Like, that's how fucking embarrassing it got. Like, they had to sit there and watch that fucking teleprompter, you know, me, I don't give

a fuck, and I think we were doing a podcast, me. Yeah, we were doing a podcast, me. Yeah, we were doing a fucking podcast. Oh, man. A little Nikki? Yeah, we think it was fucking. Oh, man, you didn't give a fucking two dicks about nothing, man. You know, if you know how hard we've worked in our lives and what we went through, there wasn't a president there to help us.

None one fucking time. None. I love Obama. He never gave me a fucking class of ice day. When I was fucking, I still remember when I got thrown out of the benders. It was a day fucking Reagan got shot. Yeah. Do you think when he was laying there on the floor?

He goes, hold on, Joey. I got a place for you to move to it? Yeah. Fuck no. Reagan can fucking reach out. Fuck no, man. In fact, that's why I learned about bureaucracy was when my mother died.

That's when I really learned what this country's all about. We're going to give you your money, but you've got to do 82 papers. By the time, it's like what they do to you now when you call Sprint. Yeah. To tell them that you have a bill problem. They put you on hold so long you just hang up and pay $40.

My time is worth, you know what I'm saying? With bureaucracy, when my mother died, I had to go down there. I'd have to go down every other week. Oh, you have to bring the mortgage from now. I'm fucking 16. Who's got the mortgage? from the bucket house. My mother's dead.

What mortgage book? Every week it was like more and more shit. And I was taking a bus out to Newark. Sometimes I get a ride, but most of the times I take a bus at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and come back at 7, 8 o'clock at night. I learned about bureaucracy and our government the hard fucking way. Yeah. Because when you need something, I got to fill out paperwork.

And more paperwork and come back three weeks from Thursday. You know, it's like you get hurt on the job. It takes you three weeks. for your disability kick in. Most American families... They can't wait three weeks. Don't have fucking three weeks. No, not at all.

They ain't got fucking three weeks. They don't have fucking three weeks. Everything's a fucking by the way. Everything. That's why... Smoke your week. That's why I took the place at Harris. I got offered a bigger place

that would have to charge more for tickets. And I said, no. My fans can't do that and I won't do that to them. Okay? You want to fucking go pay $120 dollars and laugh at it? fucking sock jokes from Jay Seinfeld.

Hey, there it is. If you want $35, me banging you in the face and talking about teabagging bitches, I got you covered. I'll give you way more fucking laughs than he will. But if you want to spend that money, it's there. But, man, my fans are coming from everywhere, dude. Dude, the church people, you guys are fucking showing up like nobody's business. They drive.

They drive. They get vikis. Dude. They go. They go. And they're coming out. And because of all the love you show me in my first two weeks, church, we're going to do a giveaway, all right, where we, I'll be talking to Lee.

Let's fucking get all you fucking the real deal motherfuckers, okay? All right? And you fucking win. You start tweeting about me and Mad Flavor and the Flying Jew. Tammy's the official winner. She's the first winner. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oogie spooky.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's already, she's already fucking done. She's good to go. She's good. She's one. That's no problem. But we got to get some more. We got Larry out there just cultivating.

He hasn't even gone to the show. Well, Noble D. I'm bringing it. Okay, so I'm bringing Darren. From Dengue. Yeah, from Colorado. So I got that party going. All right, I'm going to bring George out under the auspices that it might be a sports show.

George who? Of course, George from fucking church. No, he ain't going to. He ain't going nowhere, right? I know. He's got a girl. He's got this sort of thing. Go fuck yourself, George.

Hey, bring me the chicken franchisee pizza and just keep it like that. I don't know. I don't know. I don't go there. The chicken franchisee pizza. Yeah, it's okay. Did you guys see what Y'all Romero put up today? I must have laughed for 10 minutes.

I laughed. I laughed. What is it? So is Bisbing fighting him or not? I think it's the next fight. I don't know if it's fully been announced yet, but I guess it's... I'm going to his podcast tomorrow night. Oh, um...

Bisbing. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And I know you love Bisping. I love Bisping, too. But just like that, I love Trash Talk. So just he made a GoFundMe page for his future medical bills. And who, and I have nothing against Mike. I like Mike, but it's just, it's just funny.

That's so fucking funny. That M.MA is getting fucking funnier and fucking funnier. My fucking Irish brother, Connor McGregor, suck my big Irish bowls. Oh, cry. I like I want that on my phone I want t-shirts I want that everything suck my big Irish balls fuck yeah who knew who knew we had a church in Ireland okay I even me and you has anything been going on when I don't even know what's going on in the last two weeks I haven't even seen nothing oh my god I saw that trade today and I said wow that's the first time I've seen anything

on MMA yeah that's all that there's a fight this week yeah it's Brooklyn that's Anderson Silva I place money on him nobody even knows nothing. Like nobody said nothing to me. Nobody's called. That's why I didn't know. I'm like, what the fuck? Hold on what I made. And also I've seen the fucking thing today. And I go, wait a second. There's a fight this weekend. Nobody's talking about

this fucking fight. Brooklyn, New York. Brooklyn, I haven't heard one fucking thing. I don't know what it would be a better fight. The one in the ring in the octagon are the ones with the people leaving. Okay, because that's going to be a great fight.

Right outside, all these guys get all fucked up on Red Bull and Brooklyn. But who's going to go to this thing? It's not going to be your typical Brooklyn nights. It's going to be, those tickets are going to be high. Oh, yeah. They're doing it up there because they can charge a little more. That's Jay-Z's neighborhood and shit.

You're right. You're right. So it's not the Brooklyn that we left 30 years ago with knuckleheads hitting each other and shit. It's a new civilized Brooklyn where they're probably going to bring, you know, stevia soda and then to drink and nobody smokes. If you lie to joint at one of those things now, they look at you. Like if you're Hitler. Yeah.

Did you know that, man? Especially in New York. I can't believe it. I grew up in New York. I used to smoke everywhere in New York like me. You might a joint now in New York. People walk on the other side of the street. They look at you.

They take pictures of you on their fucking phones. It is crazy. There's a lot of cities I go out. I travel. People get mad at me. You don't periscope. Listen, guys, it ain't the same. It ain't the same.

I know where you can periscope, but I know where you can. There's some places you can sit behind. I'm outside and smoke a joint. I put the fucking the phone on a fence and nobody sees me. There's some places. They're watching.

You stick out like a fucking sort dumb. They're watching you, man. What's it matter, Lee? Nothing's the matter. You're already going through changes? I started the sweats starting. Oh, my God.

It's a... What do you mean the sweat starting? It's just... You can see. I'll be... I'll be... I don't know what it is. I don't know.

Does it make you sweat, too? I don't know. What? What are you talking about, Lee? The sugar cubes make you sweat? The sugar? It's not what's a...

It's not the sugar cubes, Lee. It's what's in the motherfucking sugar cubes that makes you sweat. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Look at your fingers. Did they get in our wavy? Not yet. The fingers aren't getting wavy, but everything else is.

I'm going to do your favor. My daughter, she made this for me, and I'm going to wear it. All right? I just want you to look at that every now and then, okay? It's going to be a safe place for you, all right, Lee. Thank you all. All right. If you need to look anything, you know, this.

Just look at that. Focus on the yellow. Just look at the yellow. Okay. Just find me the yellow. All right, I got the... When you were a kid and people spoke about acid, what did you think? No, like, I...

It's not even that I was scared of acid. What drugs are people talking about when you were 18 in high school? Fucking weed and drinking and maybe some pills and I don't know. I was a nerd, so maybe they were doing it and I just wasn't invited, but I didn't see fun. I didn't see any of this. Maybe some, maybe some... No mushrooms in Boston? I think some ecstasy.

Exacy, yeah. Excessy, yeah. Excessy coke pills. Yeah, I didn't even see much. I didn't see coke tell it got out here. here. Where'd you see Coke out here the first time? A party of a guy I worked with. And I didn't even really see it. I saw them in the room putting. And that's why I told you, the only reason I have a Volkswagen is because I like this key.

I liked it. And this is the key they were using. I was like 22 or something. Oh, they're doing key bombs on that? Yeah, yeah. A little Volkswagen key thing. And it's, uh, it was scary. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. I just like the button. But, uh, Furfing Newton, right? Ooh, I'm hot. Yeah, it was mostly just that. I never really... I think my introduction to, like, psychedelics

is the podcast with, like, you talking about it, Rogan talking about... I've never... Oh, man. ...even dreamed of it. Let me tell you. At 12, we were fucking doing mushrooms every weekend.

Every weekend in Clarksville, Arkansas. All right? Boy Scout camp didn't fucking matter. fucking anything camping deer hunting fucking didn't matter fucking shrooms were on the menu

and everywhere everywhere everywhere everybody had cow pass just everybody you just go pick came from drives you don't get milledode all right and do you're done okay and then we get

then there was like the creepy guys who were like over the 21 who were always trying to fuck our high school girls who had parties like the Red Cup party bonfires and that's when I first smoked a joint was there at that party my buddy uh Joe uh Joe god damn it I forget I Joe was cool motherfucker motherfucker he had long hair hippie motherfucker dad was a Vietnam vet of Joe Penny I

knew I get it Joe Penny rolling and rolling fucking pinners that's where I thought that that name came from the little pinter joints was from Joe penny because he wrote little joints all right and he saw me because I that guy That guy wouldn't he thought I didn't pay for my red cup and I'm like you dumb I was a wise ass I was like you fucking dumb fuck like I'm just walking around the woods with a big red cup and Who I just happened to fucking bump into you? You fucking dummy. All right and he wouldn't fucking give me any beer I have fucking cock sucker so Joe saw it and then when we were leaving by the way I smoked I thought I was like this is marijuana I'm like is it gonna kill me? He's like no and he was right

Coco he was fucking right Jack, I smoke five joints that night of that Mexican dirtweed. Okay, we even played that game where you load up one joint with a big ass seed, and everybody takes a joint. We all power smoke until the seed blows up and blows her face like those old cigars. That's the greatest weed game. Nobody can play it now because there's no fucking seeds. There's no seeds.

And we did mushrooms that, and you'd always save up your money for wine cooters. So you could try to finger bang girls. All right, that was our fucking move. Finger banging the chicks with the Bartles and James Mountain Barry was the... Ah, the piece de resistance. That's what it is. Woo, you are getting sweaty. Oh, dog.

It's open my door from, please. He's going to have a heart attack. Oh, my God. You're all right? Oh, yeah, I'm fine for now. I'm just... You're having a panic attack, too, so breathe out of your nose. I'm not having a panic.

Hey, Lee, why you're on the Twitter right there? Hey, because I'm not on mine. put it on to uh... uh... put it on uh... it had made to the to the full thing so people can see this about the church because i didn't know the church's twitter handle all right and and ben for you get too fucked up uh... text aaron to to rees send it out

okay yeah out the ass i want everybody to know because i want all my fans if you ain't down with the church you need to be okay all right And that's number one. All right. You got to get down with the church. And number two, I want, I want everybody to have more chances to win a free vacation to come to fucking Las Vegas, Nevada, Jack.

All right? And we'll have a fucking blast. I like it. I like it. I like it. I was anxiety. You're all right. O'all right.

Just breathe out of your nose. Just keep another cheap-bo-choo. No, it really hasn't started kicking in yet. It really hasn't. So what are you sweating from? Because that's the part of the- That's the anxiety. You're thinking about it.

I'm not thinking about it. No, I can see it in your face. I can see it too. He's not thinking about it. I'm not thinking it's just, I just, dude, your face is so fucking red. Shut up. Stop it. You're not thinking about it.

You're thinking about it. You sit there and you fucking boil in it until, you know. Yeah, that's why you get bad trips, dude. I swear. When was the last time you looked at the yellow? Look at the yellow. Look at the yellow. Focus on the fucking yellow.

All right. Look at the fucking yellow link. Look at the yellow. There you go. All right, good man. He's got his little shug night shirt on tonight. He's all right. He's going to be all right.

How's every shirt I have a Shug Knight shirt? Because, come on. That's your street name. Shug White. Shug White. He's bad. He's bad. So who else is on this trip over there on Friday night?

Man. Um, um, no. No, dude. I think I'm the first one to have. Now, George Wallace isn't in Vegas. George Wiles isn't there anymore. They've got that piece of shit Vinnie Faberito, uh, is got some, the Orleans or or something.

I don't even know where he is. fucking piece of shit ass is that guy is the worst fucking human ever to get behind a microphone and call himself a comedian I hope he gets three types of cancer in his ass and his mouth not the fast kind the slow

kind so they think they can cure it all right he's a fucking pestilence on fucking humanity Ralphie Ralphie relax I'm sorry I'm sorry I get I get overheated about that Vinnie Faberito he's a piece of shit all right He paid his dues. He paid his fuck.

He didn't pay his He got tortured. He didn't pay his fucking bookies. I'll tell you that. Fucking guy weltses on bets too. And people are taking action for him still. You dumb fucks. Okay?

How about ask all those Boston comics who got fucked out all that money? He fucked them off with. All right? To teach a comedy class, dumb suckers, they should have known. You either have it or you don't. You don't go to class. Focus on the yellow. Focus on the yellow.

the yellow and everything now he sees it now you see it right i can feel a cut i'm not freaking out though i can feel it's definitely kicking in i like it i like it's definitely kicking in i like it's i sweat i'm like yellow yellow yellow just yellow baby just pick about yellow that's all i'm thinking no other colors just yellow all right that's it i like yellow you all you that's my favorite color stay in the man stay in the zone baby ooh okay it's funny that when i got into comedy especially when i came out here i go how long was it going to take for me to fuck it? Like, how long was it going to take

for me to hit somebody with a chair or fucking rob one of these comedy clubs? You know, because you could just sit there and look at $10,000 for so long. For so long. Before you have to smack this little fucking... Mama me, if it was anybody else's wedding.

Oh! Oh, you know, it's like... If they only knew, if they only knew, go-go. You know, it's like, it's like, It's so crazy how we sit here and we fuck around and you crack jokes, but how sad is it that, like, Keith Richards outlive fucking Whitney Houston?

Oh, yeah. Like Ozzy Osbourne's outliving everybody. And he's still doing blowing pills. She's tried to dump him two months ago because he was still getting fucking high and fucking the hairdresser. How old is this guy? They don't stop.

What people don't realize is... I just figured this out, too. Me and my tour manager, Ben, we were talking about this. How the fuck can... Ozzy, you not understand a goddamn word he says, but sings like a fucking bird. How the fuck did that ever happen?

Lou Graham, there's English people. That's what they do. They're fucking bad at the bone, Jack. I'm sorry, I'll cut you out. No, no, no. I'm just thinking about how these people, you know, I sit here and I go, how the fuck did I outlive, Whitney Houston? Like, especially during the Martel Cartel Day.

Yeah. And I always felt bad. Like, I never knew. when the trust was going to end. Like, I never knew at what point. I didn't know if it was going to be being on the road with Mark Babit one day. You know, like, and him being, no, no, no, because when I... Dude, I heard he's lost LST.

Yeah, when I first moved here, he used to book these shows with Carlos and, uh, and, uh, when what's his name was still very hot. What's the Mexican guy? You know, the Paul Rodriguez and he was booking all this stuff. And George Lopez. And George Lopez. I mean, that was... Mark Babbitt was driving back to Texas with 30, 40 G in cash.

Yeah. Because he would take the money from the safe at the lap stop and use it to finance his tours. She was a millionaire. She's somewhere, does she still live? No, no, no. He bought it. I mean, he didn't buy it. He didn't buy it.

It was a old lady who. No, no, no. You're thinking of Austin. The Austin woman. Right. What was the name of the lady in Boston? Because Pete was a stepson or something. Yeah, yeah.

Right. And she owned a bunch of country bars. But she just thought it was a good manager. And she bought it from the Sandy Marcus. Okay. And Sandy and her husbands are the ones who started the last stop. And then Sandy sold it when she wanted to get out to this lady who was a multi, multi-millionaire, probably worth probably $150 million more because she owned like the men's club.

She owned the biggest country bars. She had a majority of stake in Gillies when Gillies was hot and fucking Urban Cowboy. This woman had so much fucking money and this was just one of her things that she liked comedy, but she wouldn't even come in. And that's how she got Pete in there. But before Pete, man, with three hands, Mark Babel was taking money out of that place. So he was taking the money out of the bank. And then he was pulling what I was doing as a kid.

You borrow 25 grand on Friday. As long as you have it back Monday before the bank opens, you didn't win back 30 grand. Like I said, I had a friend who worked at a bank. In the early 80s, that was the deal. Friday at 3, Monday at 9, you better have my money to put back in that fucking bank vault. But I'm getting 5 grand off the top.

And he did it every fucking week this kid. Yeah. But he could never be light on a Monday. He only... Wow. You couldn't even do that now? No fucking way. No fucking way you can do that now.

Let me tell you how good they had it wired. This kid that I'm talking about in particular. I knew him. I grew up with him. And one time when my mom died, he worked at a bank. And I was telling his younger brother, I got these checks. I got this credit card.

He goes, talk to my brother. Talk to my brother. So I called the brother. I met him. I gave the two checks, the credit cards. He calls me two days later. He's been meeting me a Knicks. So it's, you know, my mother had just died.

They had just shot John Lennon. Oh, wow. It was just a week when they shot John Lennon. Like, they shot John Lennon on Monday night football. Yeah. During Monday night football, I picked up that envelope on Tuesday. Like, I gave him those checks on Saturday. Yeah.

And the next day, when I was in school, his brother came up to me and said, call my brother. He wants to talk to you about something. I called him. He goes, meet me. up at next 8 o'clock. I went up there. He gave me an envelope that was four inches

deep. All fucking bills were $100. My mom was dead, but will this take care of things for a while? Forever. Forever. I got that money and I put under my... I moved in with this family and I moved on and I put the money under my underwear

and they would never fucking know. I would just... It was like a real ATM machine. Like I hid my jeans on top of it. Yeah. And I would just dip my hand on there and take a $100 bill and go out at night. Wow. Like, that's how spoiled that was, like, at that point.

And you never thought about saving any of it? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I thought about saving it. Yeah, investing. Go fucking. Not investing, but. Yeah, I was 17 years old.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. I'm going to invest in what? Getting them blowjob from fucking that girl. From Gabby. That's what I'm going to invest in Lee. There's no investment. You took that, you took that to the bar and you invested.

You went to hear. something for fucked up, Lee? Sure. Is that not only did he just say, oh, that was fine, he was still working, all right? Him and his buddies, they would, they would drop out of trees on unsuspecting

gay guys and beat him like gorillas to one fact. That's correct. They weren't unsuspecting gay guys. They were perverts. Perverts and pedophiles do not know what they wanted to do you. Because listen, man, those guys would drop out

of the fucking trees like gorillas. You want me, Taze? My friend just went to my friend just went to the mayor's ball to my buddy's ball. Yeah, he's done. My friend just went to my buddy's ball on Friday. Vanieri had his first ball on Friday, $175 a ticket. Oh, wow. Why does he have a ball?

Like for his life. Because he's a commissioner. Oh, he's an assemblyman. I love it. And he told me that the guy we used for bait as kids was there. I go, how does he look? He goes, bro, that dude hasn't aged. A fucking day.

He said he's still just like an Italian model. Oh, wow. We used to take this kid, and the reason why we used him is because he had a connection. I know that if we ever got arrested, this shit would get squashed at the end. Right before they were really impressed charges, this kid had too much juice. Right. That's the reason why he used to take him. I'd split him, right down the middle.

But all he had to do was just bait. That's all he had to do was just bait. We did the fucking kick in and then the pulling in and the fucking... All right, so, so, so explain to him. Okay. So he'd be out there and then. That's a horrible, horrible, horrible, dark, fun time. Did you ever say that to yourself?

Like someday when you guys would be 50, oh, that was a terrible, horrible, fun time in my life. You know what I'm saying? It was that dark and terrible. Like, it was, like, if I think about it now, it was dark. Like, even the daytime, it was dark. It was dark. There was no sunlight in my life then.

And it was like my junior year. It started my sophomore summer going into junior year, where you heard rumblings. There was this Davy Thomas, this Thomas family, and they were the kings of it. The family who owned Wendy's? They were the, no, no, no, no. These kids had not on Wendy's, trust me.

And they were the first ones, that 64th Street crew were the first ones that started going to bulletin. Boulevard East and then the words started getting that. You can make some money. You know how people drive a lift now? Oh, yeah, right? That's how it was then.

You want you to get some money. Going on the Boulevard East that night. Oh, my God. Like, that's how fucking, it was so well known. Spare change. You know, it's crazy when I read the Iceman's book, when I read the Iceman's book. Yeah.

Oh, my God. The Iceman used to live in West New York, New Jersey. And he said that in the 60s, he would just kill people for practice on Boulevard East. Get the book. Get the fucking book. He goes, I can't. He goes, I really couldn't give an actual account of how many people I killed.

Because there was three years, I was just practicing. He goes, I'd go to a bar on the west side. Yeah. And tell a guy I was gay or whatever. And he'd follow me to Jersey. And I'd kill him on the Jersey side and shit. He goes, just for practice. Just to practice control tactics.

Oh, my God. This guy was the real fucking deal. Why do you read this book? This book sounds like a terrible book. No, it's fascinating. It was very fascinating. Let me tell you something. Why do you look at tigers in the zoo?

When the Ice Man popped up 10, 15 years ago, like people called you the next day. Yeah. It was fucking disturbing. Yeah. It was disturbing. Like, even the first time I was, I'm like. Because you live near him?

It was just disturbing. No, no, no, no, no. It was disturbing that I always thought that you kick somebody in the stomach and you had some fun and you call them a cock sucker. This guy had it to a complete different level. What was he doing? He was a hitman that. I forget the whole fucking story.

He was working on a porno thing. Yeah, he was editing. He was making porn. That's right. Editing films. Editing films. And the guy wouldn't pay him. And he fucking whacking.

And then he showed work. His brother raped the 12-year-old girl. Oh, my God. And then he threw the girl off the roof. I mean, the whole family's rotten. Oh, my God. The family was rotten. To the core.

When you read the book, there's times you're reading the book You have to shut the book and go, what am I reading this? Oh, my God, yeah. His first wife dumped him and he cut the nipples off. Yeah, I remember you told me that story. He cut the nipples off. God, that. And he used to live right there with a coat factory.

When we were kids, that was it. We went behind the co-factor. If you go to the coat factory until they am vacuum it, you're going to find rocks of coke from the 80s until I wish I was kidding. It was every night. You knew that if you were going to come over and you wanted to get coke and you was coming from the city, go to the coat factory. there'd be four cars there and somebody in that car had blow.

Somewhere behind a tree, behind the dumpster, somewhere in this area, there's an ounce of fucking coke. Wow. Yeah, the first interview with the Iceman was very fascinating. What happened was Leif that people took that interview, sucked it in, and then started hearing other things and also put them together. And they were all really tied together. All like different stories? No, all the mafia hits were tied through him. Oh, Jesus.

He began doing hits for one family, and then he kept going to different families, and he would do hits for different captains, and nobody knew what the fuck he was doing. Then he got really crazy. The third phase of it is he got really crazy, and he started saying that he was there on every murder. Like, when Kelly got shot, I was up the corner. Yeah, right. When the guy from the fucking bananas got shot, that's Joe Marry's restaurant in Brooklyn, and that summer, he says he had one of the tables, and he was one of the backup shooters.

if the original shoot is fucked up that's a lie you know what i'm saying yeah that was an inner family thing they're all gonna get a fucking polack to step in on that one there was just a lot of things he claimed but at the end he said something that i've said on here you know all these people like conspiracies you know like every last week yeah Eddie bravo's my dog he loves conspiracy he's another one for you he on his last thing said that he shot a cop in westwood new jersey or something watch the fucking thing on hb yb a it's on you it's on YouTube. It's got to be on YouTube. All three of them on YouTube.

But he tells a story on there very nonchalantly about that he got to kill a cop. Paul Peter or something, and he shot the guy and he goes, who gave it the other? Simon to Bogovano. Right there, there was a Fed watching that. And part of the fucking witness relocation thing is that you've never shot a cop or ever contracted a murder on a cop. And they're a statement, they read through the statement,

Sammy never contacted that hit. Do you follow them saying to you? Like they figured out that Sammy never told them. By this point, they had so many people coming in, telling their stories, and they were throwing them out because they were going, you're a liar. Sammy told us something different. But one day they figured out after eight people came in,

he was lying to us. This motherfucker, you know, Sammy was genius because he turned himself in first. So they were going to believe his story before. anybody and he knew the nuts and bolts he wasn't no Henry Hill faker he knew the nuts and bolts of what was going on so when he went in there they bought his story hook on and sinker they got so blind they didn't even care what he told them they just wanted John Gotti yeah they got so blinded by getting John Gotti that they took whatever oh you

killed 24 people no worry about oh my 24 was what he killed the one year yeah you know what he was responsible for the one fucking year Jesus Christ so they put it all together and they because of that documentary on HBO Gravano was already in jail for the ecstasy with the fucking neo-Nazis in Phoenix they picked them up and they put him under the fucking jail in Denver Oh at the Supermax right? At the Supermax but here's the beauty of it

The Iceman died mysteriously in his jail cell a week later Yeah You know people like conspiracies there you go cucks take that to the moon Yeah right Take that to the moon. Take that to the fucking moon and back. I love it. I love it. How you're feeling, buddy? I'm at the moon. This yellow thing is helping, though. How did

you know that would help? No, because... It's a calming effect. It's a common effect. You're from the generation. Yeah, but... You like French poodles. But you're also talking to guys who've done acid, like, a lot. Okay? And you've got to have focus. In 10 years, that yellow won't do

dick for you. No. No. You'll throw that in my face. You know what I'm saying? But now... But now, tonight, you'll need that yellow. The yellow... It's helping it to do. Yeah. We might even turn the lights off for the rest of the podcast and just talk to each other with a candle. What do you think about that? I'm like a Puerto Rican seance.

Would you like that, Lee? It doesn't sound fun. I don't know for Puerto Rican seance. We just come up with stuff on acid. We come up with stuff even without acid. Oh, my God. Your little head is shiny. Oh, my God.

I just am not. I can't stop sweating. I can feel the heat. See, this is the, And I'm not, like, last time, Monday this, I was freaking out at this point. This is, now, like, I'm still a little nervous. We know the Cheapich. Okay.

That, you know the Cheapich. Oh, my God. He's like, okay. Oh, my God. It helps. It helps with that. Oh, my God. It's just burning straight through it.

What do you have tomorrow, my son? Nothing now. Nothing now. Nothing now. Okay. I'm about the camera. Look, look, we're powered by Team of Chief of Chibach. We ate Cheebache chews.

Transmission fluid. We're done. We're done. That's it. We can't keep doing this to our cells. That's what you keep saying. But then next time, Monday we'll be back here,

fucking 18 drops coming. They'll have a new setup. Like, I'll be happy. We lost that strip of acid. We've been a loop. We lost that for six months. A sheet of acid?

Oh my God. That's the shit. That's the shit. That goes all the way back to London. That acid. Kid who gave me that. It was a chip, chip, chally-ho dude. That's the shit that Pink Floyd took when he quit the band.

A chip-chip-chip-challi-ho, dude. That's the cousin to the acid. Yeah? Take a piece of paper home with you. Give it to the hotel manager. I come in tonight with talking about the acid, talking about the acid. I look on the shelf. The acid's been on that shelf right there for the last six months.

See, people, I don't steal it. Sticking. I thought he clipped this, so we didn't have to do it. See, if I was smart enough, I would have done that, and I wouldn't let you find it. I thought he clipped and sold it on eBay with some fucking. Oh, my God, I should have. How are you doing, Lee? Can you open it for me?

I knew you knew him. I'm surprised Lee will even eat those. That was the beginning of Lee's downfall. Oh, my God, yeah. Lee was a great kid until Cheever Chewish. Cheever Chewish. Chewish and those cookies. Oh, they're so kind.

The So kind cookies. You know, man, I don't even think they don't make those no more, did they? Oh, they don't come up here. Maybe So Kinds still on. They just don't come up here. Cheebichuze everywhere, though, man, and it is fucking good. I just fucking have a hard time with this, too. And I just fucking took my home.

Everything with Chewishy-We don't do nothing with 180 milligrams. Nothing. Nothing. I got it. We don't do nothing with 180. Cheeba-chews is still a great product. I miss them. I missed eating that one.

It was delicious. Delicious. It's like a fucking tootsie roll. It's 200 milligrams. Fuck it. You know? We need five of those today, me and, Lee. You know what your shit looks like?

Look at Lee. He's getting sick already and stuff. You're right, Doug? I'm fine to know, but I'm not going to eat that. So, yeah. You're not going to eat it? No, give me one. I will eat it, but just give me one second. Go fuck yourself, Lee. You made me open it. You're eating it. I'm going to eat it, but you don't want me to puke on you. No, I don't want you to puke on me, motherfucker.

You better not be puke. You got spare t-shirts here tonight. We got spare. Yeah, like, you got spare t-shirts for me. Motherfucking, go fuck yourself. Great. I'll use one of those size fucking medium to wipe my titty. I'll put two strings around those pillows and shit. shit, one of the front of the guy. Like one of those guys from the 50s and shit.

Circus is in town tonight. You have a little go board and shit. Fuck it. That'll take you to the car. Every time I come here, I got to tell you this. The other day, I was, I tying on my TV and I got this new fucking cable

in Nashville where you just, I call it Stevie TV. It's like from X-Finity, but you just hold on to it and you say it. And I go, outlaw Josie Wells. Boom. outlaw Josie Wells anytime I fucking want it boom for free all right listen to me when he's talking to fucking 10 bears

and he's talking about that's the most okay go fuck yourself go fuck yourself these people today all right you Kevin Costner's and all these assholes go fuck yourself you want to take acting school it's too much drama for what they do it's fucking amazing to what it's to what it's the people now make a big deal about And they never gave Cleese with any credit. No.

You watch that scene. Oh, holy shit. When he's talking about 10 bears and about their fucking, you know, his mark on, and we'll jerk beef every spring and fucking, man, motherfucker. Talk about let's, I'm, listen. I want to be an actor. If it's on, I have it on for 10 or 15 and 20 minutes. I can't, I can't turn it off.

If YOLJosey Wales comes on, it's. stays on until I gotta make a move, which is 20 minutes dirty. Right, right. But the last three weeks, the parts been coming on, my all-time favorite with the kids bleeding. Oh, yeah? And he goes, give him the bucket, though. Give him the bucket. Give him the bucket.

Where's the bucket? Over there. Give him a bucket. He's starting to see the devil. Touch the robe. Yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow. Yeah. I'm fine, fine.

You ain't the cheap at you? I'm trying to. Right now. That's what I'm doing. Oh, that's why you're getting sick. Yeah. Oh, my God. Drink the water.

Quick, let's go. Come on. Let's go, Lee. We got a podcast. Ten years. He's still fucking getting sick. Eating chocolate with you. I was trying to eat it in silence.

No, there's never no silence with you. There's always going to be a noise. There's always a grunt. There's always a... Well, stop giving me all those fucking drugs then. Oh, yeah. You're the only guy who complain about that ever. I'm not complaining at all.

I'm having fucking fun. Don't give me all the weird. Don't give me all those three drugs. He loves it. He loves it. I'm having a great time. There's nothing to complain about. What the fuck?

I'm telling you, my daughter's, my daughter, Ma'amay, that yellow's helping in it. It's helping a lot. It's helping a lot. She's a good girl. Whenever I see that fucking scene, I always watch, listen, whenever, lately I've been catching the other scene. Now, I go for a stretch like in three months where every time I turn it on, it's a scene right when he sees the young bucks and then he goes down there. Yeah. And it gives him the sign of the whole thing.

That whole fucking spiel. Like I said, that's deadly. That's an acting class. That's it. That and the Godfather is all you need to watch. If you don't get it after that, then I can't help you. I cannot help you. When Brando is at the meeting and he's talking about his son, what happens?

Yeah, I'm not a superstitious man. Yeah, all that stuff. But if something should happen. Listen, all that stuff, that's an acting. That's acting one-on-one. That's as good as it fucking gets in my world. It wasn't until this. moment I knew it was Barzani the whole time.

Oh my God, that's so deadly. When you watch that, you just get shivers. So HBO, even after 80 years, the Godfather is still the oldest movie. They still talk shit about it. HBO is doing another thing about it now.

It just released the other day. I just saw HBO. I was watching HBO. And they said, new announced HBO, Francis Ford Coppola, HBO teaming up again to do this, the unseen foot, just a ton of shit they're going to do again. Wow. The movie's

that fucking interesting, I guess. Man, you know, I never knew when when, when, oh, God, I'm blanking out because of those drugs. When, uh, get the canoles. Okay? That he goes in and sits down and has a whole spaghetti dinner.

All right. He's like, guys, I'll be right back. I'll be right back. He goes in, all right? And he, he sits down. It's a whole huge plate of pasta Alright It was Bruno Kirby's guy And one Remember, okay

And he's He gets the canolies and everything And has a meatball And fucking all this shit And his guys are waiting on him Like in some big transaction He's having fucking dinner Before dinner

It's hysterical He makes them all go That guys keep your eyes open All right I'm gonna go in here And see these people He walks in It's the back of the kitchen

He takes his jacket off He hangs it up and shit There's a little table waiting for him He sits there It's a fucking three-course meal Meanwhile they think the mafia's coming They're out there with guns Blazing

He comes out 20 minutes later After a good meal man That was a That was a hectic meeting And shit How you doing Lee? You're breathing heavy Oh yeah

The cops are coming Everything You think they're coming for you? No they're not there yet But Why aren't you there yet? I don't know I need another sugar cube

No more sugar cubes. No more sugar cubes to you, Lee. Not tonight. You do another sugar cube league. Not tonight. They got to find you at the fucking zoo naked. Holding onto a tree and shit. That would be hilarious.

You got to take a picture like that, dude. No one wants to see me naked holding up. Oh, no. On a tree hanging down, that would be fucking hilarious. Listen, I went for years without doing this shit. I hooked up with Lee. And since Lee didn't know anything about this, I kept busting his balls until someday somebody actually brought one.

Yeah. To the show. That's what happened. We talk about it on here. We talked about mushrooms. Or somebody showed up at the show with chocolate covered mushrooms. Yeah. You know, it's always fucking something at those shows. You know, and I'm not going to say no. What the fuck? I bring him back and me and Lee experiment and we try them out. I was just breaking his balls with the acid. All of some, people started showing up a liquid acid. And people started showing up a blonde acid.

You know, I hadn't heard that acid. Ascent apparently was making a huge comeback. because there for like 10, 15 years, acid wasn't real fucking big. Well, but... People scared... The name of it is acid. Yeah, right. It's got such a negative fucking thing.

When you hear acid, you're like, ugh. It's so funny. We did the same thing and the same thing. Yeah. God damn, we've been friends for 20 years now. Yeah, yeah. When you hear acid, as a 13 or 14-year-old, you're like, I'll never do that shit.

And all of a sudden, you're at a Rolling Stone concert. And you read the fucking acid. And you're like, fucking starve me. What the fuck has happened to my life? The two, there was one particular, bro, there was one night that was horrible. Like there's Coke nights and there's pill nights and there's alcohol nights. There was two asses. Oh yeah, yellow's moving now, so that's not good.

Yeah, that's not good. It was good to there. It was good to then. It's good up until it starts snaking around. All right. Lesson one down. Okay, good. Leave the snake out from it.

All right, lay the snake out. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's slithing around on the table. Lee, Syatt, I had a, it was my 17th birthday party, right? It was my 17th birthday party. And we broke into my house. The one where I lived in as a kid. It was a Monday afternoon.

We walked in there about two in the afternoon, no heat. Yeah. No electricity. February 19th. Heavy birthdays coming. Two in the afternoon. We got our jackets up in the attic. We're drinking fucking beer.

We could hear the mice running around because the electricity was off and the power was on. We started eating those microdut hits of acid, man. We started popping them. We probably ate like three of them each. We were gone. We walked in there and the sun was out. When we walked out of there, it was dark. And people were tripping their balls off.

And I was one of them. Yeah, you're in your fucking own house, man. No, no, no, no, no. At that time, I didn't live in my house. Oh, yeah. I broke into my house. I know. I was living with the benders.

Right, the nice family. We went up there as a party. But one thing I remember, I was tripping so hard, I went, I went downstairs. He's going through changes, ladies and gentlemen. I went downstairs to Pete. Oh, my goodness. And Louis Hernandez was puking. And I pulled him by the after.

Louis Hernandez was the only Dominican kid in the neighborhood, but he had an Afros they called him Louis de Naga. And he would have to say a thousand times, listen, I'm Dominican. They didn't give a fucking in 1970. Not back of the day. You're black.

Fucking crazy how racist it really was then. These people do nothing to you. They don't know what they went through. Louis was Dominican. They called him Louis the nigger. Unbelievable to his face. Oh, man. If he still pops up in North Bergen,

they go, oh, look what it, Louis de Nigger. And you're like, stand there. Like, you're like, fucking, I'm 50 years old. They're still calling me Louis the nigger. I don't think I've ever heard about Louis. Louis Hernandez is a big. I've never heard about Louis Hernandez. Moved to North Bergen in the seventh grade.

We were fucking 0 and 7 in the 7th grade in basketball. And all some God just started dropping things on us. He dropped Louis Hernandez on us. I got left back and I practiced all summer. So I got good. We had David Ruiz. And we just had this great fucking team. I forget who all.

We had Dominic Spatiao and Chucky McBreen. That's how deep we were. You know Chuck's. I know Chuck. That's how deep I go with Chucky. Seventh fucking grade. What was he? We were talking about acid and then in your old house.

Oh, no, no, no, no. So that's how back I go with Louis Hernandez. Louis Hernandez was puking in the toilet, and I basically pulled them by the afro. I said, Louis, I'm sorry. I put my dad. and I put his head back in and I go ahead but I left there that night and it was a strong move and it was the first birthday without my mom I was cracked I was cracked and I

walked into that bender house and they're like hey you want dinner and stuff and they don't know that I'm on fire I'm burning on acid they're talking to me and I see wigs on fire oh I see everything that they're not seeing I go right into that bedroom above the subway It's 7 o'clock at night. I fucking go into that bedroom. I like, lock myself in there. I'm like, I'm not even leaving this room. And the fucking phone starts drinking.

In those days, people that have phones in their rooms or cell phones, you had to actually leave your room and come downstairs. And Lisa, here's the beauty. They had a mirror right in front of the phone. And I went, and I'm like, hello. And I started. And they're like, you're coming out tonight's your birthday. I'm like, yeah, I'll be out in a little one.

And I looked at the mirror. and all of a sudden my face stood to melt in the mirror and shit and I'm like hold on I gotta call you but dog I'll never forget that I started tripping right there I couldn't look at anything that's when you're like fuck I'm going to my room yeah and you just go in your room you don't even look at nothing Lee because everything you look at starts shifting that's where I am right now and it's just a little bit that's what I was saying on Monday it's just because I can't even close my eyes because then you close your eyes no because then the color start moving to it doesn't

There's like a 20 minute period where I'm fucked. Oh, I'm fucked up too. And I'm in it right now. So it's just... Dog, I'm starting to see little dragons. I just saw a little fucking thing behind your head over there. There was little bats the other night. There was a little, there was a little mott, like a little thing.

What do you call those things? Moth? Like a little tiny one. And it was everywhere Lee was the other night. Like it flew in. It'll do he was tripping. Yeah. For like a half hour I watched this more just tormentally.

death. I didn't even know it was there. Remember you said, I just saw a bat. It wasn't no fucking bad. It was a little more. I just saw a bat. Oh my God. It was a moth. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. All right. And back in Houston,

all right, and this was, this was like late 90s. We did acid. And Mitch Hedberg, it was over at the house. And it was like me and John Wadslow

and one other person. And dude, we did ask it. And fucking greatest time in my life. But one guy was nervous that a fucking dragon was going to kill him. All right. And you had to tell him, no, there's no sense of dragons. They're not real.

They're not even real. They're not even real. Dragons are not real. No, no. But pterodactals, they were real. They were. They were. All right.

Keep a look. Keep a look. Listen, no fuck with Lee, because we can't lose Lee, Doug. If there's Terradackles, I'm gone. I'm going back to pass. Lose a first round draft pick. We can't lose Lee. Oh, my God.

I can't bring up dragons and Territory. That's why I draw the lines. My tour manager's like, no, fuck Dad. Leo being a hotel, fucking a hospital, telling him about fucking dragons. He just took church communion over here for the first time. How you feel? My tour manager, Ben, Ben.

How you loosening up a little bit? Yeah, it loosens you up, Lou. Yeah, right? That's it. You smoking a cigarette, drinking water, getting a little feeling about him. I'm sure Ben and I got the same dose. Don't wander. Don't wander nowhere.

Stay where you are, okay? Yeah. Oh, he's a wanderer. They always are the first time. They don't know. Fucking find a couch. Let life come to you, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's like, hey, when Willie Walker took him to the Chaka factory, he didn't take him on. They got on the fucking boat and fucking just hit it. Oh, I cannot blow that. Oh, yeah. Listen, bro. That one's seven. north is close by. You get lost

on that. It's all over. They won't fire until Sherman White and shit. What is it about LA that causes people to run from the cops? I've never seen this. Do you see that black guy today? It's every day here. It's every day. But that black guy today? Or how about the

stupid fucking white guy? There was a stupid white guy in a white minivan today. They rolled up on two cops that he had a gun in the car and then took him on a fucking eight mile around the world, slow chase. like he's got OJ in there, all right? And then gets out and just,

and at one point, a guy with a camera, he walks up to him, he's like, hey, why are you, why are you running from the cops? And the guy's got the camera. The guy supposedly says he's got a gun, and you're fucking over there with a camera, you dumb fuck. And where were the cops?

If a fucking fat ass with a beta cam can get right there by the guy, why couldn't a cop go, hey, you want to get the fuck out the car? All right, please. Can we just stop this? I saw that too. When I saw it, the,

The cameraman, literally, he must have been following... Where you throwing those cigarettes out? Don't throw them over because they'll evict us. The helicopter? Don't think it's leaked. Oh, yeah, they will. Yeah. I get blamed for everything in this city.

In North Hollywood, I'm blamed for it. We'll big up everyone up. But what we're talking about? We're just talking about... The fucking people wanted to run from the cops. Oh, yeah. Like, I just... I never saw that. Oh, everyone's faces are moving now.

I never saw that anywhere else in my whole life. running from the cops. You never ran from the cops? Fuck no. Really? Not even as a kid? I haven't run from anything. Let's say you are.

Strongly. He says, fuck it. I hate running. I have short legs. It's not fair. Dude, I can't even walk next to people. You took it from a fucking the greatest of all time.

I don't run from anything. I don't run from anything. I got to. short legs. I'm a dumpy jute. Okay, me too. I got dope. No, but you never got chase as a kid with spray painting. Fuck no. Lighten the fire at the park and somebody go, hey, you little bastards and you run away, nothing. No, I was, I guess, I mean, my town was super white as it is, but I was like the whitest of the white in that town.

Nobody hung out with one of the light of fire or fucking. Oh, yeah. Set like a cat on fire and nothing that these kids weren't normal. No, we didn't say cats on fire. We would set like little fires in the R-Yars. are in the driveways. What about the bullfrogs with the firecrackers? No, we didn't do that. I didn't do that.

Oh, man. Okay, well, y'all ain't from the South because let me tell you what. You get some of them straight from fucking Tijuana M80s, all right? And bestrap a fucking bullfrog on that, motherfucker. Oh, my God. Boom, bitch. Get out to wait. Are you kidding me?

Those things went out. That was like a quarter stick of dynamite. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We have to do shows for peters. Frog just went everywhere. Just everywhere. Well, they're not in danger.

Come on. We're spreading the love. All right? We're feeding the other animals. Bro, you never know. Not in today's world. They might show up with something. They might show up with something.

You all need a million for fucking three frogs. You kill. I hate frogs, dog. When I was, I'm a New York City kid. I'm going out of Miami. And the first, like the first problem. Dude, the frogs in there are fucking big. Bro, in Miami, those, I couldn't sleep at night when I'm

was a kid. I couldn't say. They're loud as shit. Do they eat? No, no, no, no. Listen, I don't want them around me. I don't want to eat them. You're not going to eat frogs? Not, never. Not even close. Not even by mistake. Not even do I want to look at that thing. When you tell me you got to go out the table, I excuse myself.

It's like, Lance dressing. I got to go. I just want to go It's going to shit. Fuck ranch dressing, right? Can we just say that? I've been saying it for 20 years. Nobody listens. I'm, you never had it in my house. It was always blue cheese in my house. fucking fucking always blue cheese in my house shit out of respect to buffalo what oh my god

we're fucking synchronizing oh my god fucking little shout out to buffalo like a fuck dubs and the anchor bar hey don't leave going through changes want to put on some black sabbath nope no i do not want to put on black sabbath that's okay what can we put on by sabb to really take you to the next level oh man great assing music yeah um No, no, a fucking Led Zeppelin. You need more will. No, no, you're scared. You're scared.

You and Dean Del Rey and it's all over. They'll end up in the hospital room and shit. Don't wander, dog. Don't wander. This ain't a good neighbor to wander. No, no. You know that train. They'll take your downtown.

It's all over. One minute you're in a protest. The next minute you're sucking dick with a drum around your head. Saying free the fucking Villanova's. What's up, Lee? I'm doing good. It just hits me strong. I'm enjoying it.

I just enjoying listening to you guys. Ooh, okay. I'll tell you what, when you were smoking before, I could smell it. Oh, yeah. I thought something was burning. I'm like, something's on fucking fire or building. I'm like this motherfucker's up to smoke. I don't like the music with it.

It gets my heartbeat. My heart's going a mile a minute right now. Then you need some, you need, you need some. You need some of that Zeppelin right now Because Leads Zeppel will let you go a little high And then it'll slow it down You know And then a little high and then a little low

No, but they do the bass and then It fucking gets your heart going It gets me... No, it's when them drums kick in When that fucking... When them horse tranquilizers and fucking drums hit That's when the shit's over, Jack. You got to be ready. You got to be on the train or you're left to the station.

That's all I'm saying. Right? You need a fool I am over you. Come on. Oh my God. Well, you didn't know it was going to be an easy night tonight. Come on, Lisa.

This is Training Week. This is like Shark Week in the podcast business. This is like Shark Week in the podcast business for us. We got to go into fuck and that's it. Every week is this week. It sounds like we take an easy week. But that's why people love the church because it's the real shit every week. You never know what you're going to get.

This week on the church we're doing kale shakes. That's never going to fuck. can happen. No, go fuck yourself. It's all right. Now it's okay. All right.

Now we have three kinds of acid. All right. Let's see. Yeah, right. And listen, people are going to start selling it from all over the world now. Without a doubt.

About a month, we're going to have so much acid stop. It's all over. You have ice as acid. Dude, they're going to make you fucking. You got to take it.

You got a point towards Mecca while you drop it. They're not going to put us under the jail. We don't know nothing. Oh, my God. They're going to flavor your falafel. All right? They're going to give you that shit

straight from fucking, let him get you phel off for prison. No, Hebron or whatever that is

that fucking where's your people from over there in Israel? Come on. My people from Russia. Oh, you're a dirty Russian?

Yeah, I'm a dirty Russian. Oh, Christ, thank God you're a Jew. I wouldn't even stand near you. Oh my God.

I ain't never gambling with you, Lee. I love you. But if you're a Russian, I can't gamble. It didn't work out for fucking Denzel.

It ain't going work out for me. You know what I'm saying? Who went to see Johnwick, too. I haven't seen it yet. It comes out this week, right? I don't know. I think it comes out this week. So I'm happy because the guy who trains him

is in it. He put him in there as a cab driver. He gave him a Chaddo, so I'm happy for him. Dude, how strong was, what was that place we used to go have breakfast on sunset? Pats, not Pats. The place next thing.

There we go down the strip by the Roxy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the classic one. Yeah, yeah, and Keanu would just all the time just roll right in. Cool like a motherfucker. Dukes. Dukes! And he was always cool as shit.

With the crinkle cut French fries, nice cheese omelet. Stop, deadly. Coca-Cola. If you want to be fatly, that's where you go to breakfast. Dukes. I'd eat the fucking, and I tell them, forget those home fries. Give me an order of regular fries. At 7 in the morning, you could switch up to regular fries, Lee.

Who's better than you? That's fucking awesome. I do that at Denny's. Wait, in the morning? at seven in the morning? I don't really go. I mean, if I get the one of the sandwiches,

yeah, I fucking, I don't like hash browns. Oh, God, damn. Leah, I'm a southern

and you're spitting in my face. Yeah, but Denny's hash browns. Danny's hash browns got AIDS. Yeah, that's what I mean. Okay, Danny's hash browns.

All right, but you come down and I'll put you on some hash browns. Oh, I'm sure. I'll bring you to Jesus. That's how, I'll take you past Jew. He'll put sour cream in,

he'll put fucking cheddar cheese. Oh, stop, stop, stop, up oh my god I'll turn that thing to fucking a thousand who farted this motherfucker it's like an animal in here you should it wasn't me not me yet candle can't even sustain it that that can't that means it came out of you motherfucker if I'm about to get blamed for it I'm not a fucking sweet ass it came

out of Joe his ass I don't blame nobody all right but you're the one who first said it's up then so eventually it's gonna come to me and you're gonna fucking hit me like you did in fucking El Paso with your best shot on payback all right that was your birthday that was your birthday yeah it was your birthday we we were in El Paso working we had the red devil with us giving shit to me see you okay and we fucking that was 99 99 and we fucking went and saw payback and and because me and Joey both wanted to fuck Lucy Lou and she's throwing sidekicks and had a little Asian pussy just

looking at you just winking oh my god dude that was 99 Jack and I and And you, they got quiet. And Joe Diz, you fucking let out a fart that was tremendous. As a man to a man, I got to tell you. And I've had phenomenal farts. Ben's been a witness. It ricocheted off the chair in between the two lines. The reverberating the theater.

The actor had just said his line. And right before Mel Gibson was about to spit his line, it went, And everybody, everybody fucking heard it. Like, everybody heard it in the movie theater. I was shocked. And we're howling. Everybody was shocked. I'm howling because they're looking at Ralphie.

Yeah, and then he starts. Ralphie. God damn it, Ralphie, why did you do this? And everybody's fucking looking at me. And I'm like, God damn it, Coco, Jesus. I didn't know it was 99. Oh, my God. We all are.

Now we're getting really fucking old. all that. How's that yellow treat? It's not a snake right now, so it's okay. It's not a snake. Ah!

You're a motherfucker. That's it really nice. That's an old school bird, bro. It's been an hour and a half. I was an hour and a half. Team fucking bust your balls. Concentrate on the yellow.

He says concentrate on the yellow. As soon as it starts moving, last 20 minutes, Lee, I've been doing this. And you're going, oh my God, oh my God, and then... And then the snake came. Listen to me, I could torture you to death on acid. Everything I could torch you in regular life, what I could do to you on acid, I'll have you call 911. You'll be like that dude Chris Heather when the cop showed up. He got out of the car.

out of car and gave his own wrist. That's what we'll do. You understand me? I can take a mother-of-and-all. I can take a motherfucker in real-life and tormentor. Oh, that's what you mean. That you could do. That's what you're doing to me.

It's going to be all right, ladies. On a daily basis. Car! Oh, stop with the turrentals now. Dragon fire. Do you hear that? Oh, I believe so. Fucking dragons.

hilarious. hilarious. Oh my god Lisa. You're so fucking funny. I don't try to be. I know. That's what makes you great. If you tried, you wouldn't be nearly as funny. Holy shit. You jumped up before Lee.

I'm surprised when I'm pulling your little poor head on it. Can't throw a snake at somebody on acid? Look like a fresh smell of acid. That's a fresh smell of acid. Like, it's fucking fight club. First thing about half the club is you don't those snakes. No snakes, no fucking lizards, taradactals. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it.

This is the thing that, this is what you did. When you were 16, you dropped the hit of meskling, you went to somebody's garage. I went to the movies. You know, and this is what this is it. Into the movies. This is it. For four or five hours, it's a constant. And have a black.

Go Fast. Torture this poor kid. They torture me. Did your mother call? My mother's dead. Why would she, you know, it never ends. It never ends. You know, that's what you do. I mean, dog, like I said, I'm the master of tormenting you. Oh, my God.

All right. I wouldn't tell you this one time. This is how much I got it before you got it. You need to come back, Ralph. I survived the fucking 2017. Oh, my God. Come on. Anytime I'm in town, you got me in a thousand seconds.

No worries. Dude, this shit was so funny. Coco would drink all the juice. And then we'd come out and go, who fucking drank all the juice? Where the fuck is the juice? And I'm like, God damn, Coco, I just made some juice I thought. Oh, fuck.

I got one more can. I make that juice up, stir it up. And fucking, I swear to God, I be watching a movie. Hey, Ralph, you want something from the kitchen and get a glass of water? He drank the other chug of juice. Okay, you were vitamin C. You were orange. You were Trump before Trump.

You're snort and coke. Yeah, right? You got to get in with it. That's your fucking lifeline. You got to get it. Oh, my God. And then he's like, Mommy, what the fuck? What the fuck?

Who drank the orange juice? God damn. I don't know. Ask this guy. Who drank the orange? I would blame it on everybody but me. Looking poor Lee. Lee, it's good.

You're good. You're solid. I'm good. There's no purple walls. We'll just shut the podcast down 10 minutes. We'll put music on. We'll fucking put the purple lights on for you the whole thing. Yeah, right?

We'll play the air guitar. Play some cream, white room. We'll play some fucking. We'll smoke some cigars and shit. You know how we do it, Lee. Yeah, nice and easy for you. If you're going to ask it, go cream. What?

The band, cream? Leave him alone, please. Don't, no, no music. He don't want no music. All right. You put music on, he'll jump off the balcony, and then we've got to talk for the cost for four hours. And tell him what.

No, nigger, you gotta talk to the cops for hours. We're gonna be, phew, gone. I like the studio on fire. When we're leaving this motherfucker. Hey, I'll get you out of here as fast as I did that in Dublin's when you ate that Coke Rock in the fucking fridge. You think I'm kidding. I would like this building on fire

so all the satellites will fucking melt on the sky. There won't be no footage on Google Maps, nobody. I was thinking about that. You can't. If they're really looking for you, they found it. Yeah, yeah, they got you. If there's a murder on 1482 Smith Street at 10 o'clock, all they got to do is get that Google Mac,

zoop it, turn it back 10 minutes, and let's see who walked in the fuck out of there. It's crazy, dude. It probably costs a lot of money to fucking do right off the bat, but I go, I can't see it. Who says they don't already have it? No, they have it. They've had it.

What do you mean, had it? If we thought about it, they already have it. They already on to the next fucking level. don't need Google Earth. They have street light cameras and cameras and all the businesses. They don't need Google Earth. We're doing it for them. The camera phone. Yeah, your camera

on your... The head of the NSA before. I don't even do it, but the head of the NSA before said we should all be putting tape over the cameras or a laptops. Oh yeah, they watch. Fuck it. I'll go over there and dance in front of them and just have the camera on for nothing. Nekin' dance and fucking debagging it. Fuck yeah. Like, I'll give

it shit. Fuck you. No, you don't want that camera you gotta tape that shit that's wild listen they know they know everything right at this point they got everything everything they've pushed on you is consumed for you to give them a credit card yeah right

you can put any credit cards any slot now within 30 seconds your whole credit history comes up no it's creepy I had a I had an issue where I had an issue where a wizard thing that pipe oh I had an issue where a credit card I had to change

the numbers changed and I to my gym to switch the numbers. They're like, oh, no, the bank, we already, they already contacted us and switched the numbers for the automatic payment. I'm like, motherfucker. Like, it's, I guess it's okay, but it's fucking weird. It's like the bank is working against you.

And every, it's supposed to be working for you. Is that what you mean? Well, not, well, that, but it was just weird that, like, they were giving my information to the gym. And then, and then it was, it's weird. Every time I get a card from Bank of America, it somehow magically gets stolen.

every time. Like, I don't even get it. I don't even open it. You just heard about Bank of America. You just heard. What happened? No. She's what I'm saying to you.

While you're watching Parks and Rec. Yeah. Bank of America just got in trouble for. What did they get in trouble for? Fucking. No, it was Wells Fargo. I'm sorry. They gave

Oh, yeah. Artificial, all that you have you open all these accounts and they charge you and you didn't even have these accounts and people weren't even fucking going through. the they were pulling some kinky shit they were pulling kinky shit that's shit from the fucking 80s and 70s too that's that shady shit man and and they just got busted on it

but you know what I mean I'm fucking tired of hearing people if we if we can't you know we'll shoot a black guy who stole fucking ham sandwich okay but we didn't do anything of those cucksucking bankers all right and now Trump's got them all in their cabinet those cuck suckers should be in jail they're fucking bigger thieves than any of us they're bigger these than anybody. And they just fucking stole. And we just let them.

Motherfuckers. All right. And they call us some fucking criminals and outlaws. We smoke reefer. You know what I didn't do? Take your grandma's fucking yum yum,

yum money. Okay? I didn't do that. All right? I didn't, I didn't make sure that you're fucking, oh shit.

Where are you going, Lee? The whole wall's behind you is moving now. So it's... Ha, ha. Lee. You need to take a hit?

Sure. I know you did. Now, you think about it. All your information is gone. It's gone, Doug. It's all gone, dude. It's all gone, man. It's all gone.

And it's sad to think, I don't mean to, you know, put anybody in a bad mood, but it's the reality. Yeah. Once you bought those pair of shoes or you got those fucking, that plane ticket online and you use your Amex, that's it. Yeah. They got everything. When you call the phone company, when you call you, when you call those, you call you the airline already. Their security system is so high tech

that while you're talking to them, with your phone number and stuff, everything comes up. Right. Everything comes up. They already know what card you're going to use. Which is so pissed. It pisses me off when they make you go through the whole system and they already know who you are. Yeah. They already know. I don't know what the whole fucking...

Sorry. No, man. We're fascinated. I'm with you. I'm over here too, fucking burning up. I just know how to cover it up, Lisa. You know, I'm not seeing fucking ghosts or, you know, spirits and shit. Take it over here, though. Come on.

I'm high as fuck. I don't know. For a Wednesday night. For some reason, whenever I do this, I can't take a deep breath. I'm off this week, bro. And I always seem to forget that. Like, I always, when I go to Nashville, when I go to these cities, you know, when you work, you work, man. Yeah.

I'm a grown fucking man. I get tired. Those fucking early morning flights kill me. You know, so when I'm fucking off, I'm off. Right. You know? Yeah, I write jokes and I send my emails and I take care of my business. But I'm off.

I'm off. I'm not in training camp. I'm not thinking of shooting anything or tape or anything. That's the most distant thing from my fucking mind. I'm off. I'm just doing a podcast on a Wednesday night with two fucking savages. That's it. That's it.

Let me give some shout outs before I forget real quick to some bad motherfuckers. That's fuck that. Bam! There you go. I know I ain't fucked up. Jennifer Jones, Brandy Lynn. I'll see you in Minneapolis in two weeks. Trapper Welton, Gravity King, Mennie Moreno,

Jay Unitos, Uki Spooky, our girl. I love her. Ryan Scott and Fernando Zorilla. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? There you go. And that's it. Well, hey. No, we ain't.

Okay, good. Because I got to tell them about the thing. I want to fucking forget. You know, I just want to give him some shout out. I love these guys, man. We were talking about it. My buddy enforcer, he's Paul Marsh down in Little Rock fucking is a member of the church. Okay, he's deep in love.

He wants to give you moonshine and watch you fucking get all fucked up on that. Okay? Like Paul's fucking great people. Also, I heard today from Ricky Cruz down in Florida. His boy's out of the hospital. What happened? His boy had a sinus infection and he took it to the ER. The doctor said, oh, it's a virus.

And the sinus infection got so bad that there was an abscess in the little boy's sinuses. This was a boy seven years old. God bless. All right. And so the little boy had, he was in ICU for like nine days, had to have surgery. Okay. And he does all this. And I'm talking to him.

And I'm like, well, Mikey, what can I get you? Are you okay? You know, I send everything for kids, okay? And he goes, Uncle Ralphie, you, uh, maybe like Legos or something? I sent that kid every kind of Lego they had. I sent him everything. A kid goes to that. All he wants is a Lego.

God damn it. You got hard, kid. You almost died. All right. That's been there for nine days. Nine days, dude. The abscess got so close, you know, the little bones in there. They're so close to the brain.

and and these dumb fucking ER doctors who don't give it to shits to look, you know, take five minutes. Look at a kid, all right? What's the color of the snot? Okay, you know what? Hey, he's seven. Let's give him antibiotics anyway

just to make sure he's okay. All right? It's fucking Miami. Trust me, he'll need extra antibiotics for something. All right? You know, he's only seven, but he'll still need it, okay? And it's like, and that little boy,

Ricky and I were working together We're in West Palm And he left Every day and every night And his wife was like I took it to the ER He had a fever and spiked And oh my god

Can we talk about like some of my Oh my God that's terrible It's horrible It's horrible But God bless him Is he okay now? Yeah he's okay now Thank God

I know thank God Ricky Ricky's a brother You know Ricky's family From the old school Old school family 1440 I still remember beating Joe Chadwick and Ricky was mad at him.

Ricky was like, you can't do that. Fuck him. He pays his $300 to host. Fuck him. Fuck you. Joe Chadwick. He wanted me to MC and I told him, send me the plane ticket. Yeah.

Send me cash. And I just said, fuck it. I broke down in Vegas. I'm not coming. And me and Ricky split the dough. What the fuck is with the planes? They're coming for late because he's unassing. Oh, Jesus Christ.

They're probably looking at all them pterodotles flying around outside and wondering what the hell's going on. The Jurassic Park, Terradactyls pop out of here. What's going on? What's happening, Lee? Sounds like the taradadol's coming home. Should we close the door? No.

Fuck it, I don't know. Unless you want to close the door. No, my. Oh, my God. So funny. The door's gonna close on his own, man. Yeah, right? Okay.

His eyes look weird now. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, both y'all are found in the right spot, aren't you? I'm good. Yeah? Yeah? Burning calories like a motherfucker, but I'm good. Yeah, right?

That's it's fun. If I didn't have court drama, I'll take some with you. Save me some. Save me some of the shit to fucking... Listen, man. Let me tell you something. It's not like... I don't think they're making this stuff...

First of all, my tolerance is off to change. Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, my tolerance is off the fucking change at all levels. Yeah. But, you know... He's sitting there like he had a cup of coffee. Like, oh, Ralphie, that is interesting. No.

I got a little... Trust me, this is a little kick in this mule right now. I'm not seeing devils or fucking... Snakes. Yeah, I just... just felt somebody tickled my arm, though. Fucking good. Oh, my God.

So fucking funny. Yeah, every once in a while, you just got to break out of the ordinary. I love doing different types of podcasts, man. I really do. I love experimenting in here. There's nights we eat mushrooms. There's nights we just fucking smoked mushrooms.

We smoked mushrooms. You know, smoked mushrooms? Well, yeah. We put stem in there like an animal. We did that a few times. You put stems in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't give a fuck.

Yeah, right, fuck it. It'll burn some ice. It'll be all right. It'll burn some ice. It's kind of good to fucking just get fucked up from time to time. Yeah, right? I think if I ate the mushrooms, I'd be having diarrhea. Like I said, this shit, dog, I go home.

I force myself to eat something. Yeah. That kills it. Yeah, that kills it. On the drive home, you know. Listen, I'm old school. If I see something, I just walk home. I'm from the old school.

I just walk home or Uber. Yeah, no, I couldn't believe it. I just drove home, went home. I sat there for 15 minutes. I watched TV and I go, you know what? Let me see. I think she went to routes. I got some salami and a piece of American cheese

or a piece of Wonderbread. Like a doctor. Ten minutes later. I was nappy noodle. It was fucking nappy noodle. He told me he stayed up all night. Yeah, but it wasn't. You stayed up all night on acid?

Yeah, all the time. Oh, my God. But then the one time, I did it with Ari. went to see that kid, went to see the pink floor. Same thing happened that night. I never sleep on acid. We took the acid at 6.30. By 8 o'clock, we were kind of burning.

By 9, we walked into that, what's the famous restaurant downtown, Phelips? Yeah. We walked into Phelips, tripping our balls on. We ordered food, the food came, and we looked at each other. Like, who's going to eat this shit? Like, who's going to eat this shit? Who would eat this? Who ordered this shit?

How did we get into it? Give us a tab. We're out of here. It's like, you want boxes? Fuck, no. We got on the train, we went to my house, and we ended up watching something stupid on TV.

Oh, the bounty hunter chick with the fucking, with Mickey Rourke and, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, bounty, like, whatever the fuck. With Mickey Rourke and the black dude, dwindow,

whatever his name is. He was the black dude and, uh, what's the big movie movie? Yeah. Del Rindo, not Paul Fixon. What the fuck was he in? The one with Travolta and fucking,

Get Shorty. He's the black criminal. Del Rey Lindo or something. Yeah. Something like that. I like that guy. Yeah, he was great in that, Get Shorty. Yeah.

I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. No, no, no, but you get me mesmerized by which black guy it is like this. It's like, like, I don't know which one. Like that is fucking asshole. I don't know. Hey, Don't Lee. I'm doing good. I'm tripping my balls off.

I love it, Lee. What are you saying? It's just a lot of mixing. It's a lot of like twirly mixing. Like swirling like this or like that? No, the first one. Like this? Yeah, the wheels.

This one? Like starry night? Like that. Starry night ones. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Because this one, that's badass. Is it? Is it?

Okay, this one's the good ass. Is it? It's both. It's both. I don't know. Like, even in my pee, like, you know, the last time. Like, I have a picture on my phone of one time I took acid, and I shaved my head and my beard, and I thought the hair looked so magical, and I took a picture on it.

I had it on my phone. It looks stupid. Just looks like a, it looks like a sink. Talk, whatever work for you that night. Did you have a good time? Don't shave anything, okay? I'm doing it. you're solid.

Oh, yeah, it was weird that. It felt weird. Wait till four in the morning and the middle of the time. When you're having a good time, shaving eyebrows. Take a chance. No. Just shaving an eyebrow. Go on the butt.

Take a chance. You were a 12-year-old. Shaving eyebrows. Shaving eyebrows in Philadelphia, like a Filipino on the weekend. Just put like a little purple thing there. Take a big shabry and make you look real surprise. Every weekend, it's a different color. Holy surprise.

It's the yellow. rooster you know a little red yeah you got a little red yeah you got it high oh my god right here leigh they used to do that shit to people all the time when i was growing up putting air on you when you were sleeping oh and then you take a shower in the head would fall off of this shit oh my god they used to have some wicked shit they don't do it no more people lost them remember lemon up remember that shampoo that you put it in your hair it was lemons and your hair got lighted up. What wasn't it? Lighten up? Yeah, lemon up. Yeah, lemon up, lighten up. That was a shampoo in the 70s. That was fucking huge. Everybody. Once June

came, you got that shampoo and you put it in your hair and your head and your head got all light and shit and you got sexy for the summer. Yeah. But by September you, like a dirty whore, like the rest of the shit. That was the first invasion of the dirty whore. It was the lemon in your hair. From there, it all went downhill. Oh, good. I gotta tell you, what is the fucking deal? All right, when you, do you, you're gonna tell stories about how, when you go to Gavin's, the producer's apartment,

and clog up a shower. You're gonna tell these people that shit. You clogged up someone else's shower? Oh, fuck, enough. Yeah, he clogged it up. He knows. With what? I take a shit in there.

I don't fucking know. Doug, listen. He took a shit in there. That was so good and powerful. Listen, man. But he couldn't push it down. He tried to push it down with his toe. And it was such a good turd.

It wouldn't go down. It had hard. No, no, no. That's exactly what happened. And then he said the water started to come right up on you. all right yes yes shut the fuck out you know I remember these things

and so you watch your feet in the clean because it was disgusting you're like I'm Catholic I can't do this and you got out of there and you're like yeah something's wrong with you and then you came over to my

price just in your fucking in your in a towel Gavin's towel I don't think Gavin's got that towel back I think that became my towel all right and then you finished your shower

and my shower I don't remember that shit. Oh my God, go, go, go. I don't know. I'm like Mike Kessler three weeks ago. At least, stop fucking with the wiring and shit. The microphone's shit. You're going to electrocute yourself.

Then we're going to have all the problems. You okay, killed? I'm okay. All right. How about this one? Go, go, go. Have you ever told us? him how you,

you fucked up Jay Moore with the fucking vizines. We told him two weeks ago. Oh, you did?

Yeah. Oh, okay. All right. All right. I got more. I got more. All right. How about that tag watch from Gavin?

I never clip that. I know you didn't. I know you didn't clip it. I know you didn't clip it. But you and me were the only ones who knew you didn't clip it. All right. I think you fucking,

let me explain something. He was fucking holding him. Let me explain something to you. I'm going to be as honest I can with you. I didn't give a fuck. At that point in my life, right. Do you remember he came up to the store?

Yeah. He tried to get tough on me with Keith. Yeah, with a little... I looked at him like, are you fucking crazy? What? Listen, I made some mistakes, but what did it really happened was that a certain girl came up.

He hooked up with her. Right. And he fell in love with her. She told her he was going to move up here. you don't remember that story but six months before that they hooked up Skype and they would whack off on the phone and talk dirty to each other and dildos and shit you know that was 1998 my friend Skype wasn't 10 cents a fucking minute then you know what I'm saying so he started getting these bills and going all the bills are disappearing you know who's putting these high fucking bills on my thing he was on that whacking off he couldn't come to conclusion then the watch disappeared there was like three or four things the watch disappeared five five then he came to my house one morning i was living with terry i was sleeping with terries and he knocked on my door one that morning i looked on him i go dogs don't ever knock on my fucking door again you want to see me you call and we'll meet you later goodbye and i that was it

yeah and that what time was about the watch yeah the watch was stolen he left it on top of it but then he found it right couldn't make face right he couldn't tell any about Then somebody saw it on his wrist and said, isn't that the watch he stole? Yeah. And he goes, no, no, no, no. I bought a fake one. Yeah. So wait a second, you had a real watch.

It got stolen, and you went and bought a fake one. The exact kind. The exact kind. You know the odds of that? And we're not talking fucking. Listen, man, I was no saint. No, but you weren't that. But I wasn't the devil either.

And you know what? At that point in my life. I was playing that role for 20 fucking years by that point. So I really knew. I grew up in North Bergen where those guys would go, you know, fucking Ralphie. He stayed here to 8 in the morning and snorting cuck. Really?

You didn't help him. You didn't help him. Oh, yeah, I did a few lines, you know. I mean, what the fuck? I drank a few beer. So it was all Ralphie. Yeah, right. Well, I was growing up, that was every morning.

When they walked into Hashways, in front of the biggest speakers in the city they go, fucking Coco kept us out until 6 in the morning, really? Right. You weren't, it was your car. Yeah. You could have threw me out of the fucking car

three hours earlier, but you didn't. Exactly. It's just, uh... I want to let another candle for Mama Hashways, uh, rice pudding. God damn, that was delicious. She's still alive. What a shame. You know, Billy Herenda moved to town.

We talked from time to time to time. time that's why nobody goes home no more yeah right because there's nowhere to go there's nothing good i mean you can go to chance dragging in and still get a strong egg rope okay oh no no those places are still but our base yeah right that the one down the corner where everybody went in got a roast beef sandwich and you knew mrs hashen you could put it on the arm for credit right and you went behind the counter and put your own salt and mayonnaise yeah make it's make it nice you know no no no no no no that was that and that's what happened I spoke to another friend of mine that called in regard to something else about a month ago.

And I go, you come home a lot. And he goes, he goes, after Hashways closed, I moved down there and I never came back again. Yeah. It was so important. Hashways was so fucking good, dude. You get you a fucking, was it chocolate sodas you used to get me? Was it egg cream or something? No, the U-Hus.

The U-Hus. Okay. get a yuhu-hues and a rose beef chocolate water a rose beef on the roll a rye and on a roll with swissas chocolate milk's better than yu-huehu I think I had to get the full

when you want chocolate milk you want chocolate milk when you want a motherfucker you-hoo you want a motherfuckering you-hoo I was going straightly up and got you-hoo this night I stop here and I go and get a y-hue and I'm good for the night you drink a yu-hoo you're good it's amazing what a y-hoo would do

you have a 16 out of you bro. I did everything. That was before one of the Hachways had the lump, okay, but Mama still came in

and great rice pudding and then that was my first time at Hatchways. This is how cool this place was. Six months later, eight months later, I am going through and going,

fuck it. I don't know any place. I'm going to go into the city. I don't know any place. I want to park over there. I'm going to, JFK Boulevard. Fuck you.

And I get off. right before I go into the tunnel I go to JFK and then boom pull right into Hashways I'm there I got to say hello I got to tell them to tell Coco they said hello and then Mama Hashway not only did I get my

rose beef sandwich she made me an extra one and then she goes I heard you love my rice pudding so here take a bigger thing and she gave me extra rice pudding and what are those cinnamon what's the chips that they had there that was yeah Wise chips.

Potato chips. With the owl, right? That's the ones. That's the fucking ones. It's funny, Lee. One day we were having a conversation years ago, and you were talking about that pizza parling your neighborhood. Right, yeah.

That is the best pizza in the world to you. Like, to you. Like, when you go home, no matter what anybody says, no, you got to go to Johnny's on Fifth Street. You still go there. And it still tastes as good as it did when you were a fucking kid. Absolutely.

That was hashways. Only with yelling and screaming. and people giving gossip and, you know. Man, how about that heart attack on a roll in the morning, that morning sandwich that she'd make us? Oh, my God, you picked up two of those? I started eating that. I mean, I started eating there.

You got a figure in 1975. Doug. Rafi, I went up there. I was a downtown kid, and I went up there. The word on the street was if you wanted to get better in basketball, you got to go up there and play the rough games. in the daytime. And when there

his kid, Fuvio, Pagliario. Phenomenal name. Slam me. He was the catcher on the baseball team. By mistake, slam me. And he goes, man, I'm sorry, you know. So he got me a roast beef on rye with

Swiss cheese, thin-shaved lettuce. Let me tell you something. When I bit into that, it was all over. I'd never taste anything like that in my life. I went there every day after that, too. It fucking, yeah. Until the end.

We did the documentary. Yeah, absolutely. That's, I think we didn't go in that time. We went in there at 2 o'clock and the rose beef wasn't ready. I knew the M was in there. Yeah, right. What? What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? The roast beef used to be done at 10 in the morning. Earlier. Earlier. We'd be back here eating the rose beef. So it's like when they first got us that first bounce check, you know, the first time they hit you with a bounce check and they're like, oh, my wife didn't deposit the flound the losing.

That first bound check means to boogie with nuggie. It's only going to get worse after here. Don't make me give you references. You know what I'm saying? That first basketball means run. Even if they give you, and they'll cash it right away. They make themselves look solid.

What's going on? I don't know. Don't wander. Don't wander. Don't wander. I got to watch you like, oh. Let him wonder. Fuck it.

He's got a coat on. He'll be fine. He falls down some stairs. Who hasn't? You know? Who hasn't? This is a very interesting night of podcasting. I have no idea what happened, what it was said.

I mean, I think we had fun, man. I know I left my balls off. And at least I had to scare him with the snake. That was tremendous. You got to say that for the fucking hot eye real. All right, dude. The only way I'll forgive you, Ralphie, is if I got a $10,000 steak at the,

at Harrah's with the blackjack table. Not 10,000. I'll get you. Come on. We'll sit there. 10,000. I don't know. I'm going to start high.

You're Jewish. Relax. Relax. What the fuck? Rubber toe. Look, man. I love you. I'm not going to let you not.

10,000. What are you? And not fucking play with me. I mean, here, I'll give you money. I'll keep you there. No, not from you. I'm not asking from you. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. The snake. He don't know all these fucking. Focus on the yellow, will you? Yeah. Find the yellow. So funny. When you went out there,

it was out there with the car. Don't look now. Now you can't fucking look. See what I'm saying? Now I don't need you to look I can stick my hand over When you went out there casually I want you to cash out on the left eye

To see what somebody would have run a light zone That's nobody else out of it No Gotta watch that shit I'm watching him You know that's a DA wait a line You're out there God damn it, y'all

Okay Just so everyone else knows This isn't for anyone who is listening To the podcast This is just for him He's just putting that in my head He's gonna call me in three hours the DA's outside

Don't answer the door You see the kiss of death The kiss of death was at the airport today And they canceled two of his flights And he's still there Who do you think? Slaten I was ready to call the airport

I can go like Bobby Slaton Terminal 5 And he'd be sitting there after Bobby go to the fucking suitcase over there Listen, when they can't, he's ready to sniff somebody's asshole at this point, Bobby Slayton. Oh, my gosh. I can torment him right now.

I think about him every day for pleasure. And I go, no, I can't do this. No, you can't fuck him anymore. I can't take it no more. Oh, shit. I hooked up with a Colombian. He's Armenian, too. He's a Colombian Armenian.

This guy's got the goods. And he'll buy right into it, but, like, what are you being goods? Like, what do you mean? What do you mean? I'm talking about New York City 19 fucking 73 Your ears are numb The flake

Your nose are numb It's yellow Chinese people looking It's yellow I'm saying Come on really How much a gram You just get them

With outrageous price Give me 2250 It was like Bam You hook them right there I go to the yellow box Right there I'm telling you man

When you fuck Okay, fucking was slick was funny But when Joey doesn't like somebody That's even funny or torture it Okay, all right How about to tell the story about How about you tortured my blackjack Wilson All right with the guy

Remember when he found out that he liked to cross-dress? Of course you know someone named Blackjack Wilson Let me ask a question Let me ask you He knows, he knows What was the chick with the kid she said what's the name was the kid's father at the comedy store she was dating Bob Baker

what happened to that broad where is she? Where is she? Oh I don't know anything I haven't heard anything nothing you're sitting there going and I see the dude yeah yeah yeah at the school you're walking around yeah I feel like saying what happened to him but why don't maybe the body leave that rock close yeah that's what I figured

yeah so funny Coco, when you don't like somebody, folks, he'll find out where they're working and call up as somebody who was complaining. I was at the 9 o'clock show. Our show started at 7. Then it was the 7 o'clock show. Cuck, sucker.

You'd just be so mad and so mad. And then, okay, hang up, call up, all right? And then, like, an hour later, he picked the phone back up and call the guy who hates. he hates. What's going on? Another? Hey man Not for nothing, but the

club just called me and asked me if I wanted to come in and do your week. Oh my God, they did. Let me talk to him. So he would make sure that they would talk to the club. And then he's like, yeah, we heard some complaints. Okay? Heard some complaints. Then the guy gets scared. Hey, yeah, man, they already got me at the fucking airport. All right? You're going to lose your job. All right. Yeah,

they're going to. All right, hey, come pick me up and I'll have them let you feature. All right? You did that twice. But the best of the best you've ever done is when you used to fuck Pete out of the fucking, from the last stop,

out of those fucking, out of that fucking airfare money. Like, like, I want to say probably 10, 15 times that you just beat, peed up for fucking airline money. Like, hey, rinse tight.

Hey, Pete. Yeah, fly me down. I need the money now, though. So here, send me the money. I'll buy the ticket. I'll be there. I'll be there. I'll be there.

No, no. Yeah. Oh, dude. Don't. Don't. The best was no. I was burying motherfuckers for a while. You're barring it.

That was for a while. The best was your boy in Beaumont. When he comes out, you got Joey this weekend, and you're like, I don't think so. And he's like, what do you think so? I don't think so. You started talking about Wednesday. I don't think he got me. I started.

Joey at the store last night. Beaumont was not on his mind. No. Exactly. Oh, my God. Okay. Dude, dude, you had Pete at the fucking own intercontinental airport, waiting on a continental flight, all right?

And you're like, no, and he's like, Joe, you're hearing these leaving messages. And Joe, you can hear baggage from Phoenix is on Carousel 3, Carousel 3 for Phoenix. All right, and you can hear this. And then that's what made you laugh. Bobby, mate, listen to this. And we're in my apartment, smoking weed.

It's fucking, you're supposed to be at the last stop. You fuck them. I beat them out of 800. Listen to this. And when you keep on here in the baggage on the Carousel 8. I sent Pete from airport. I'm here. Where are you?

I'm in a push. No. Hobby. That's a 60-mile fucking trip. And then when you get the hobby, I'm like, no. No, fuck. So where are you right now? Wait a second.

Let me call you back in five minutes. That's it. You'll never hear from me again. You'll be dying. You'll be... Dude, I never... I never... I remember we used to see.

We told me you were in my room. We were in my kitchen table. And you go, Robbie. You know what this is? And I go, what? It's Pete driving home away from the airport. Because I ain't that going. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. I sent them to three different airports because Houston really got three airports. They got another one that you go all the way down. It's a small airport. And if you get a ticket on a cheap fucking Puerto Rican ticket service, it's 8.45 a.m., and they won't tell you. You got to get all the way down there at 845 again,

and they put you on an additional. Let me tell you something. It's like putting you on a plane from Hollywood to North Hollywood making you get off. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the shuttle. Brutal.

Brutal. Oh, Coco, when you fucking get into people. And you don't even, you play nice. Like, not for nothing. Them Clintons should be calling you and giving you Putin's, like, all you need is his phone number, all right? If we really find out how much he fucking got into him, and it's like, fuck a fat guy on a bed,

all fucking cyber attacking. Let Coco have a number. Yeah, I was telling my old drug dealer. Which one? I mean, like, what street? No, Hollywood. Oh, okay. We always talk.

We talk once a month, but we talk extra heavy around the Super Bowl. And we're both talking, talking, talking. And he gets off the phone and whatever, and New England wins. I call him back, and we're talking. And that morning I wake up, I'm thinking about it. I'm like, how many years do I know this motherfucker? this relationship started by him getting beat up and me giving him my gun I stole from 1440 it was a piece that was there an old piece in an apartment it was a 38 and and I and I yeah it was in the top shelf and I gave that to them protection plus that bought me like 10 bags of blow from you know what I say yeah just to keep me alive I gave me that gun give me a couple fucking bindles here yeah that relationship's been on to 19 I was buying coke from them, but now we've been friends since, yeah, damn near 97.

Wow. That's how long I know those brothers for. Yeah. So 97, I was fucking with that. Man. And I'm still friends with them today and what I did to them. I used to torture him. Oh, yeah.

I used to tell him, come to the store. Hurry up. Mick Jagger's here. James Brown is here. Listen, if they snort, come. Coke, they're here. Get on down here. Motherfucker, I'm laying down. Not for nothing. You also had a lot of credibility

because you also knew Bobby fucking Brown and Whitney Houston. No, no, no. And that's legit. That was none of them. But they never came to the store. No, no, no. But I kept that completely nobody even knew even existed. But it was funny how that's how

I would get this particular guy down there. Because I always owe him a thousand bucks. Yeah. He'd go, why am I going to come down there? You owe me money? You got my money? Fuck no, I got you. I got a $15 check for you. But I'm telling you to come down here because you could sell a fucking ounce down here. Everybody's here.

Rick James is here. Rick James is dead. He's here. I'm telling me. I just saw him. He's looking for fucking packages. So I would make him go down there. I would make him go down. I would make him go down there. And he would go, where's all the drug deals? Where's everybody? I go, they just left.

But while I got you here, give me a single thing. 60 till tomorrow. Motherfucker! I knew you're going to trick me. You know how many times I did that, too? Are you serious? You would bring a... I would make him come down.

At one in the morning, tell him that least I had to say, he was a fucking... Stack a hundred. Stack a hundred. Two bitches who are nose hungry. Even if I just held on to that one skinny dude, just give him a 20.

Bro, a 20. That's better than nothing. Let me hold on to that 60 till tomorrow. You know what I got shit happening. The producers call him tomorrow. I gotta go by. I gotta go to the laundry room at 1440. Hey, I look at a little hundred room.

Wait for the mailman to come and shit. Dog, tell Lee that we knew the mailman by first name, the Filipino. Oh, my God. Yeah. Dog, we were skipping them refa. We were big gambling. We're out there. Okay, we're outside of our apartment complex.

He would tell me if I had a check. Yeah. Like an hour before. He'd go, I have check. And then he'd come back. That meant party time. Lee, give me that 20. Yeah, man.

Let's do this shit. You heard the. fucking guy. He's got a check. I told me. Now, Lee, at that time, it could have been a check for $3,000 or it could have been a check for $3,000. Nobody knew, but in my mind, it was the $3,000.

Sit tight, Lee, you're going to learn something right here. What? And I would just... $36, Jesus Christ. I'm going to fall away away from 3Gs, you know what I'm saying? We'll make it work. Let me cash this check at the Wilcox. That means they take $1.50. I still got $23 in chains.

I can still stop by my buddies, the 20 spot that's still got three dollars for gum that's better than you who's better and the two dollar for a tip for a water at the comedy stuff amen yeah man we would sit out we knew that guy so well i mean we'd just be sitting out there pimpy would be playing around and uh this is way before pimpy was it before pimpi yeah this is well no we still knew the we knew the mailman i listen i got mail there until 2005 what yeah easy when did he move out when did you Did he move in? Nigger, when didn't he move in?

He didn't move in. He just opened the door. Can I stay here? Yes. Boom. It was on the road. Whoever didn't come home at night. The door was open.

There was always a cigarette. A cigarette. Something. Something was going to happen in that fucking building. It was what kept us alive for two or three years. Bro. Bro. We, we, we...

I'm sorry, but I'm just, I'm losing it right now. What happened, Doug? I don't know. You're fine. Okay. What did you see? Nothing, nothing. It just...

What did you hear? Listen, it's a lot. You two need to remake crank yankers. Listen, it's 2017. This has to become a show soon. Three dudes just taking breath of his ass and topics coming up. You just die and smoke. Somebody will buy that.

Somebody will buy that for even at three in the morning. We'll start at three in the morning. Nobody does nothing. No advertising. No shit. Zero. This is a green. Fuck it, man.

We can buy, we can buy, if we did a season of these, we can pull a Byron Allen. Doug, you can put it somewhere. Who's going to last a season of these things? Are you kidding? Listen, we'll shoot them all in three days. Yeah, we'll just go for broke for three days. After three days, we'll take it to a hotel room and a hospital. You're going to take me anywhere

We're going to wait We'll go to porthos We'll get some sandwiches You'll be fine You'll be fine You'll be no You don't leave me But you're going to take me here

I'm not going to go to no hotel I'm not going to take it to a hotel I'm not going to take it to the hospital I can't believe He's still going to feel a little For a thing And you should be ashamed I can't help it

But it's I mean Lee is Like our mascot man It's like what we always need it I don't want them fucking seeing things and shit give me the paperwork. What do you mean you don't want me seeing things?

No, I don't need you seeing things. Oh my gosh. Do you want me to read some of this shit? No, I'll read it. All right. We're going to go to jail. Do not say nothing during this one here. I don't believe it.

I love them. Number one, the best ever. I love them to death. Always. Hello. Tushy.com. Listen. Nobody ever talks about washing your little muffler, right?

Everybody talks about slinging dick and getting gonorrhea and using condoms. Nobody ever says, you know what? I watched my muffler so fucking good last night. It was tremendous. Pick it up, Lee. No one says it anymore. Make America great again.

Make America great again. And this is it. Hello, Tushy's trying to do that. Hello Tushy. Everything is a fucking sense of humor. It's marketing. Everybody loves their asshole to be clean. How many times have you scratch your asshole sniffed it and said,

Jesus Christ, why do I live with myself? Every day. Who comes out of my ass? Who grows in me? Oh, I know for a fact. I can't even imagine with your little muffler. You took a shower like 7.30. You've been walking around raw ass since 7.30.

You took two shits. You ate hummus. You know, you haven't bathed? It's 10 o'clock. You know what your ass smells like right now? It smells like Arby's. That's what they do. That's what they do.

Like right now, if you were walking down the street by yourself, walking to a bus stop, a van would pull over. They'd be like these incognito guys, and they rip you in, and they cut your ass whole lot, and they'd have like an Rby sticker out of them. And all of a sudden they... I love me you just told Rolpi not to say anything. Like, probably, Ralphie, relax. No, I'm thinking this is a great thing for women to fucking buy their guy,

because, hey, it's February, you're going to have to suck some dicks, so you might as well have a clean asshole down there. Listen, they got a fucking Valentine's Day thing. Really? By two shit. That's what you need. By two hello tushies and get free shipping. Bang it out.

He gets a clean muffler and Mama gets a clean muffler. Because Mama's muffler doesn't need to get clean. It's the Monquois. That's the one. But again, I don't want it too clean. Just a little bit of water. Like, just a little bit of spit in there. I don't want you to get the fucking fungi out of nothing like that.

I want that intact. You know what I'm saying? I want you for who you are, your dirty animal. And with Hello Tushie, you have that option. That's right. And it's portable. And it's a 60-day money-back guarantee. No, what is it?

What is it? A 60-day money-back guarantee? I don't even know. You don't need it. I think it's 30, 60, 60, 90. It don't matter. This thing is... Listen, if it's lasted fucking four months in my house with the size of my ass and the size of my shit and the amount of water it takes to watch that little brown muffler, it'll do wonders for your little tushy.

Listen, Lee, spit it out, cuck, sucker. Yes. Get a hell old tushy.com right now and press in. Church. CH, you are C-H. And get, what, Lee? 10% off. And if you order two of them, you get free shit.

shipping, boom, right to the fucking house. And your muffler's clean. You can feel confident. You won't get that stink coming out of your back. You know what I'm saying? You can wear shorts again. It's a different experience. Hellotushy.com.

Go to hellotushy.com right now. Get a fucking bidet. Hit it. Hello, tuti.com slash church. All right. Boom. Get 10% off. Two of them for Valentine's Day special.

Listen, maybe there's somebody at work. Give a look at somebody, though. You know what? I guarantee that guy's ass. This whole smells like 10 dead feet. Okay. That guy there, just put it in his chair for Happy Valentine's Day. He doesn't have a Valentine.

You and I both know this. But buy one for him. Go to hello. ushy.com right now and press in. Church. Bam! And get your... 10% off.

That's right. Hellotushy.com right now. I want to thank hellotushy.com. I want to thank Ralphie Mae. I want to thank the Flying Jew. This was a hell of a podcast. Hell of a podcast. I'm starting to see things too.

I got to take two steps to the ring get out of this motherfucker right here. It's been a hell of a night. I love you. Stay black.