The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #456 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: February 15, 2017

Tom Rhodes, a comedian for more than 30 years, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.  Seeso: Seeso is the new ad free streaming service. Bingeable comedy. Anytime. Anywhere. Use code JOEY to get 1 month for free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/13/2017.    

Is that a nicotine candy? Yeah. Two years off the six, man. I thought you brought like a valium or something like that. I got some extras if you want. What, nicotine? Yeah, they're great. No, I got some gum already.

I got the fucking gum. I'm all psyched up. I was two packs a day, you know? Of what? Cigars. Jesus Christ. You got to get off this fucking thing. Your liver isn't going to turn purple.

I don't give a fuck. They're delicious. As long as you're not smoking. Exactly. Yeah. As long as it's not lung cancer. Please. The church of what's happening now is presented by On It.

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I took a lift here. They could meet me. Yeah, they could, yeah, have Tom loads in the back here. And you're making 500 bucks. That's right, cocks suckers. That's better than that. You can't lose. This show is also brought to you by CISO.

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The church of what's happening now. Monday, February 13th. Tremendous. Song reminds me of getting drunk in high school. This song reminds me of stabbing the motherfucker. This song always must make me stab a motherfucker right here. This is what you put on before you go to war as you're driving there. That's right.

With a grenade in your helmet. This is what you put on is. Church of what's happening now, motherfucker, is Lee Syed. Tom Rhodes. Here you go. Kick it Lee. The homework.

One of the greatest bands, fucking ever. All four, five albums, whatever they had. Bad Company, Shooting Star, fucking Desolation Angels, just tremendous music. That's why I'm turning you motherfuckers onto it. What do you do after you listen to the song?

What are you going to do? Go fight. Hang out with your friends. What are you going to drink coffee? This song gets your fucking ready to go. How old is this song? It's from an 80. Since the early he left Chicago, 70s.

Is it? Think about it. Well, what's the song they put out before this? Cut it, Lee. What's the jam? Can't get enough of your love. That was their first real big commercial jam. I was a fucking kid.

Put it in, Lee. Can't get enough of you love. You have to play the video just Wikipedia and see what year it came out. Okay. That's when I heard of fucking these motherfuckers. I've been listening to these guys since I had knickers on. Yeah.

I didn't know who they were. I'm not going to tell you a classic rock staple yeah no no this is this this came out around all the classic rock that you hear today comes from this era that real the two songs that stick out the most on my mind of this and bTO take taking care of business every day 74 this wow can't get enough of your love is 74 that album's got to be 73 that bad code back call the sky is burning burning guy, whatever that one arm is brilliant. Shooting Star is fucking brilliant. I think they got one other one in there.

And then Desolation Angels. And in the eighth grade, me, Dominic Special, a bunch of us went to see Bad Company. Wow. On the Desolation Angels tour at the Nassau Coliseum. And you remember one thing from every concert. What I remember was that the lights went pitch dark, and he had glow in the dark sticks.

And he did a solo, and I thought my head was going to blow. Wow. You know, we have done some ass to something. I saw Prince on the 84 Purple Rain Tour and Sheila E. Open. And Nucleus. And that was her big thing. On the last song, the lights would go out.

And she had these glow-in-the-dark drumsticks. In 1984, technology, that was like watching, you know, fucking, you know, lasers split the moon or something. That was one of the weirdest nights of my life. I got to write that in the book. I was at my friends, we started lifting. And on WPLJ in one of those stations, they said, listen, late breaking news, Prince, Sheila, he and Nucleus are doing like the Ritz. One of those clubs in Manhattan. I didn't even wash my pussy.

I just put jeans on. We put grease on our hair, and we shot into the city, and we got in. 15 bucks. We were in line for like 10 minutes. Nobody had really heard it. I don't know what had happened. Right. It got packed later on as Prince got on.

But right before, the movie had been out already. How often were they do on and on the shows like that? In New York, a lot. Everybody wanted to showcase in New York on the days. So let's say Eric Clapton was in New York, Dave Gilmore would show up. You know what I'm saying? Like, you always had that type of shit. Right.

In 78, I was a baby, but I heard that to warm up for the Miss you tour, the Stones were signing up like the Red Muskets. They would have a manager call the club and say, how, you know, the Red Muskets? guitar, no we don't. Listen, book them $300, and it was the Rolling Stones. So, you know, like a NIAC, New York at the Cuckoo's Nest. I remember one time the Stones showed up at a bar up there somewhere.

Don't quote me on NIAC, but they showed somewhere up there when I was a kid. I was like a Tuesday night. Can you imagine being at the ball watching a hockey game? And there's a band setting up a tennis of Rolling Stones? You imagine it? Is there an electrical outlet anyway? Yeah, that's it. That's what they did

to warm up for the big arenas. That's a treat in a fucking half. The first piece of music I ever bought, I bought the 45 for Miss You, the Stones, 78. I was fucking 12 years old. And the first concert I ever saw was the Rolling Stones 1981. At the Tangerine Bowl in Orlando. That was Tatoo.

Yeah. I think the tour was called something like, what was the tour called? I forget. I didn't see that before. Yeah, it was great. That's crazy. They're still around, and you're talking these ages. It's hot in Orlando.

Sure, sure. Mick Jagger took a hose and had one of those guns at the end of it, like Gardner's used. And he sprayed the audience. And it was just like, you know, the Pope blessing people with holy water. People would leave their fog. Mick Jagger hit me with water. That's great.

You'll have another cocktail, fuck-o. It says the Rolling Stones American Tour. Is that, what was that, was it? That was 81. Yeah. Tattoo you, you were right. Tattoo you. Yeah, tattoo you.

50 million in ticket sales. Oh yeah. That was an 81, 50 million. Roughly 3 million concert goers. Wow. 50 million in 1881. Wow. Chop it up five ways.

You know which Coke was in Florida in 1981? Yeah. Those guys had a good time. No, they really did have it. I remember they did two shows. I remember my aunt Margie had flown down from D. My family's originally from DC. And she was out late.

I think she had maybe, I don't know what happened. They left their mark on the family. Who else showed up one time? My first single was Hot Pats. Hot Pats, James Brown. Wow. Maybe 1968, 69 in New York City, me and Jasper Williams. Wow.

Told my mom, we were going to the bar and we walked from like 127 street on Broadway. I'll never forget this, like maybe the record store was on 138, and those were murky waters in those days. You were saying that wasn't a fucking, you were like the warriors. Every block was a different gang chasing you

who wanted a bum a nickel from you. It was fucking crazy. New York City was dirty. I remember walking home with that single, being so fucking exciting. and all the way home, and I forgot the thing in the middle. Oh. So you had to play it, and it was wobbly?

Yeah, it was wobbly and shit. Then you had to walk back to the record store and get the clip or the circle a silencer. Remember they had the thing that you put in and looked like a silencer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could put a bunch of singles over it, it would just drop, so you would have like 10-45s with the thing, and after the one, the 45 would just drop.

You never listen to the B-side either in those days. Very rarely would you fucking flip it over. I'm a huge James Brown freak. I don't know if I ever told you. I opened up for James Brown. Where? At the Knocti Harbor Resort, its own Clear Lake.

It's about an hour and a half, two hours north of San Francisco. This is like 96. And I, you know, I grew up in the South. I started on the... After he threw the beating and the cops chased him. Yeah, man. He was after the time. He was an older man.

He was in his 60s. He was still mesmerized. He had like a lime green jumpsuit, you know, one piece. But he was still doing and he had a little kind of a pop bell. Did you ever see his performance from Kinshasa Africa?

Oh my God. Yeah, no, that's one of my favorite films is when we were kings that Muhammad Ali documented. Did they have that on there? Yeah, he performs and he's got the mustache. The mustache to go tee.

He's got the black suit on with the Godfather of soul. Yeah. G.S. or whatever on this fucking shirt. But that was, yeah, that was one than we were kings, but they also have a documentary called Soul Power. I haven't seen that. And that's badass.

That's on there. Them on there. James Brown, B.B. King singing The thrill is gone in Africa. Wow. Jesus Christ. Fucking, the Fony All-Stars in Spanish. Yeah, they just had clips of that when we were kings. Selya Cruz.

It's fucking tremendous. So I started out on the Southern Circuits, and I remember I did a one-nighter in Augusta, Georgia. when James Brown was in prison. And after my gig, I drove my car to the edge of the prison and I sat on the hood of my car smoking cigarettes and I had James Brown's greatest hits on my cassette tape. And I remember just like brooding and smoking and looking at the prison like,

how can they keep this genius locked up like an animal? You know, I'm like, whatever, fucking 18, 19. So years later, then I get to open up for him. And it was, it was, It was a phenomenal gig at this, you know, small place to Knocti Harbor, maybe set, 800 people, I'm guessing. And after the show, they said I could meet him. And I declined because James Brown meant so much to me that I didn't want to destroy. You know, who knows what would happen?

If I went backstage and, like, he's an old man in his underwear. And then, you know, I accidentally see through his pee hole on his boxer shorts. and he's got some weird old guy shriveled up dick or something, and then, you know, whenever I would hear his music, you know, maybe he's got his wig on a hanger. Who knows what? Now that he's dead, it's one of my regrets in life that I didn't go back and meet him, but I opened for him, you know?

I think you made the right choice. I don't know. What do you think? I mean, the guy was so, and he still is. I still listen to James Brown all the time. How disappointing is that when you're in love with somebody or you look up to somebody and you meet him? And they're completely different.

Well, I mean, that's it. You got to protect, like, things that you hold sacred in life, you know? Like, I remember once in New York City, I was on an elevator with Lou Reed. And I love Lou Reed so much. I didn't say a fucking word to the guy. What am I going to say to Lou Reed? I'm the same way. Well, I see people I admire.

I don't say, Dick. I'm embarrassed. I can't ask them for a fucking picture. Yeah. Yeah, I never ask for pictures. I look at people and I wave, and I say, how you doing it? That's at the extent. Sometimes I just don't say anything because if they don't answer me back, then I'll be disappointed.

I know they're a dick. They can't even say hello. Yeah. I met Tom White's once, and I kind of embarrassed myself. Were you drinking? Well, I've told the story on stage, you know. So I had met Lars Ulrich, the drummer from Metallica, a few years before, and ended up back at his place. in Tiburon doing a bunch of cocaine.

And, you know, he had a bar. He had a bar party room. And on top of his bar, most unbelievable view of San Francisco I've ever seen in my life from Tiburon, his mansion. And on top of his bar, he had a mound of cocaine underneath a glass cake coverer. And this was rock star cocaine. This was not the yellow shit that smells like gasoline that I've read about. So we're doing all this Coke.

and he's got a jukebox, and on the juke's box, he's got tons of Leonard Skinnerd on it. So, Leonard Skinner's from Florida. I grew up in Florida. I'm like, dude, you like Skinner? I'm from Florida. I love Skinner. Dude gets all serious.

Apparently, he's like the biggest Leonard Skinner fan in the world. Takes me into his movie theater room, and he had these bootleg VHS tapes of Leonard Skinnerd in 1973 in Birmingham, Alabama, just ripping ass. Rip a ass. Fucking phenomenal. So here I'm coked out of my skull, four o'clock in the morning,

watching Leonard Skinner video. with Lars Ulrich. So two years later, I'm headlining at the punchline in San Francisco. I'm doing nine o'clock shows, and then Dave Chappelle's doing midnight shows. Chappelle's an old friend of mine, asks me if I'll stay and open for his show.

So I got like 10 minutes left on my show, and Tom Waits and Lars Ulrich walk in together, and they sit at the center back couch. And one of the greatest achievements of my career was seeing Tom Waits laugh at some of my shit, you know? So my show ends, audience leaves, Chappelle's audience comes in, and then it's just like a few minutes before the show's about to start, and I'm standing by the door. You've been in the punchline. There's a small little client. Great, great. We talked about it on the phone last week. Yeah, so I'm standing by the door, waiting to be introduced. The show's about to start. And Lars Ulrich walks over to me, and he goes, hey, man, you came to my house a few years ago, and we watched Leonard Skinnered videos all night. And I'm like, yeah, man, that's cool you remember. He goes, you gotta meet Tom.

Holy fuck Tom Waits my all-time hero in life it's eight steps from the door where I'm standing to the table where he's sitting and every step I'm thinking to myself oh my God I'm about to meet Tom Waits oh my God I'm about to meet Tom Waits

so we get to the table and Lars Olrick introduces me and he goes this guy came to my house a few years ago and we watched Leonard Skinnerd videos all night and as I'm shaking Tom Waits's hand I go I love Skinnerd and the fucking lights went out and the show started

and I never got to say another word to the guy my one and only sentence to my all-time hero was I love Skinnered I can't believe that the drummer from Metallica loves Leonard Skinner he loves Leonard Skinner

but I see the lineage now I see why they rock like they do Metallica Lord Zulwick is a phenomenal phenomenal I love that guy I've never met him I think he's a phenomenal drummer. Dean Delray played some of his tracks last week, the new album. They're still rocking.

Yeah. They're still got hearts of fucking lions, you know. I get high sometimes. Like, sometimes at night I can't sleep, and it's free time. It's my free time. I go on the computer, and I put a notebook out, but I really don't write, and I'll go through 10 Leonard-Skinner videos, and just cry. I'll just cry.

Why? I think about what happened to them? No. I think there's one video that in the middle of it, I always cry because I think that that style and that something will never happen again in music. Like one of my favorite videos on YouTube that I watch three or four times a week is the Orman Brothers Live from the Beacon 73 Whipping Post. Jesus.

It is one of the most brilliant pieces of music that I've ever seen in my life. you know and they're white trash let's get to it these guys are white and and that's why i love them that's why i love them it's it was you know they talk about in my world they talk about all these great accomplishments that people do i null avoid them i compare it to the omen brothers at the b i really do what's your favorite almond brother's song that one i mean i i i like sweet melissa i love i like dreams i like dreams but pulled myself out of Just something about that style of music makes my fucking heart pump and want to slice somebody's throat and shit. Then you put Lenin Skittner in.

You know, who? Who? I mean, you're an intelligent, intelligent guy, Leonard Skinny. Leonard Skinner, whatever he fucking name is Tom Rhodes. You're an intelligent guy. Whiskey bottles, brand new car, oak tree. You're in my way. Let's just break that down.

So I'm sitting there one morning doing a line of coat. You know, he wrote that about his brother. He wrote that about one of the band members, you know, that the guy was out of control. Whiskey bottles, brand new car, oak tree in my way. That's what addict said. What happened last night? Oak Tree got in my way. He jumped into the road.

Yeah, he jumped into the road. Jesus Christ, you told out another car? Like, I guess that he wrote that because the guy had just kept tolling cars. Like, you know, one of it, either his brother or one of the guys. but think of that lyric alone. I think it's interesting. The Leonard Skinnan had three steps. Give me three steps.

Oh, my God. And then the Almond Brothers had, I forget this song, but I think it's interesting that both of those Southern bands had a song about getting caught with another man's lady. Oh, I love that. What's the Almond Brothers song where he goes? Might be your man.

I don't know. I don't know. There's a live version of it. At the beginning of it just drives you crazy. Like, they're so good. And I sit there and I make believe it's 1973. I don't have a cell phone. I don't have nothing I'm worried about.

It was when America was America. When you went out and really enjoyed yourself for what it was, you weren't on the phone, you didn't take pictures of the band, to sit there and you got, you know why? Because you got mesmerized. Even me and as an adult at 54, I watched that Ormond Brothers thing and I'm still mesmerized

even though I've seen it 80,000 times. Yeah. And the weird thing, I think that's a really cool point you just brought up because it's not like you didn't take pictures. You couldn't, unless you brought like a film camera, there wasn't even the option. It wasn't like...

The camera had been too big. You'd have to hold it on your shoulder. Right. It's not like you feel like you're missing out. Well, in those days, there was one person. It was one perpetrator that me and Tom Rhodes supported, because that's the way life was. And it was the bootleggar. Every city in America had an album store,

and the back of the album store, they had nothing but bootlegs. And every time you spent money on them, it was a 50-50 shot. There was a money-back guaranteed. Oh, yeah. It was a guy with a long jacket and a tape recorder. Okay. That went into a concert and taped it. taped it.

Yeah, there's always they'd say, like if it was like trying to make the bootleg sound like it was good quality, it was taped off the boards. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, dog, this was taped off the boards. My man knew a guy at the garden. You're absolutely right.

I forgot about that shit. I still remember buying Bonzo's birthday party. Like... What is Bonzo's birthday party? It was Bonham's birthday party in New York one year. God awful. It was God awful. It was unlistenable.

It cost me a fight on a lesson. Now, when somebody had a bootleg that was good, I'd ask them to put it on cassette for me, and I'd give them three or four bucks. Why fuck around? I never took that chance again. That was the only thing that people did. And at the end, even the concerts in the early 80s,

people weren't putting up lighters. That shit happened later. Not even lighters? I thought lighters was always going to be a... No, no. It was like somebody made fun of it, and then it became a thing. Then it became a thing,

and then now they put their cell phone, up like fucking half of fags. Oh, Jesus Christ. I saw, my favorite place in Amsterdam is the Paradiso. It's like a 14th century church that's now a concert venue. Everybody's played there. The Stones, you know, anybody you can think of. So when I was living there, Jane's Addiction played.

And I love Jane's Addiction. And so I got there early. And I remember I didn't eat anything. I didn't drink anything. I sat through some poser punk rock band from New York who opened up for them. Like I was like, right, my chest is like, I'm like against the stage and everything. And I didn't eat and I didn't drink anything because I wanted to stay there in the front for the whole show. And some guy who's in the front, he's taken a thousand photos of Perry Farrell.

I'm right underneath the mic stand. And it's like the guy had taken so many photos on his cell phone. I finally turned him. I go, dude, I think you got it. I think you got it. He just couldn't believe he was so close to him, and he just keeps taking pictures. And Perry Farrow was so whacked out of his skull on drugs that night.

He could only hum or, you go like either hum or go, la la la la. He just didn't, he had no idea what song he was doing. You could have stuck your tongue out. caught a drop of his sweat and been high for days. Until this day, I was a fucking addict and a half. I think a year into comedy, not even, it was St. Patty's Day.

And to be a cool MC, I bought a gram a blow to turn the headliner on and the feature to be a cool MC. I did two bumps before I went up. And I learned the hardest lesson in this life that you cannot do powder and go on stage. That's the worst thing in the world. your mouth gets all dry and your noses twitching.

Oh my God. So I learned a valuable lesson that night. And then it was to the point where I knew that if I got high the night before, I wouldn't have a good set. Like if I got high two nights in a row, the weekend was done. Yeah. It was just going to be material with no heart to it. It was just a tape recorder.

I remember Mitch Hedberg and I had co-headlined in Houston at the last stop a few times. And that's where I met you was at the laptop. And you remember, I think we talked about this on your tape recorder. your show. Houston, Texas, has some of the purest cocaine available in America. Jesus Christ.

And I just remember just days hitting it hard with Headberg, and that's where I learned because we would sleep all day and then, you know, do the show at night. And I remember that's where I learned that it's Texas state law that after three days of having

the Do Not Disturb sign on your door, they have to come check on you to make sure you're not dead. Unless you, what about if you go to the front desk well I'm not dead. I don't want nobody in my room. I don't know anybody in my room, right? You could knock for fucking 10 years.

If I know it's you, because I never, you know, I play a hotel safe. If you call the hotel room, you're not going to get, I don't answer hotel phones. Yeah, I don't anymore. I don't open up the door either.

There's a disturbed sign. I don't open the door. I don't answer the phone. Do you do like I do? You put the do not disturb the moment you get there and never take it off? From the middle to middle. If it's got the button you press,

I hit the light. I don't even ask for towels. I'm like a, a cheap hotel guy because on Saturday I still got two towels left. Use the towels, Joey. What the fuck? Then I used the towels like on Friday, but I hoard the towels

and I used the same washcloth. You're in a fucking hotel. They put you in a nice hotel. Take the amenities. But I'm such an old school fuck. You know what I'm saying? Did you guys ever stay? I'm sure you did, but like in like a drug hotel where like every room is doing it. What is that like where you can just hear it?

Where you can hear the crack pipes chirping like crickets. Can you really? I've never No, I remember I played in some, stayed in some shady motel sixes along the highway and stuff. What was the shadiest hotel you stayed at? That you didn't fear for your life, but you feared for your life. You know those hotels

where you, you don't really don't fear for your life but you fear for your life, especially if you do a couple bumps and sit in your room and you get like somebody yelling and shit and you're like, what did I get myself into? I'm going to finish this package before the cops get in. Well, I remember it. Well, it wasn't, it wasn't

shady, but I just remember I was in Reno a couple years ago, and I could hear this, you know, Reno's a rough city, man, you got, you know, people, you know, homemade knuckle tattoos and a big crystal meth town. And some guys argue him with his girlfriend or whatever, wife or whoever

in the next room, you know. And I remember thinking to myself if that guy, and it sounded like it was, you know, it was on the verge of, you know, some very serious shit happening in the next room. And I remember thinking to myself, If that guy gets that chainsaw started, I'm going to have to call the desicke. Jeez.

The worst hotel ever for me where there were drugs. And listen, I used it to my advantage. I'm not going to lie, nobody was two particular hotels. Where I feared for my life, but I also enjoyed it at the same time. We used to do this gig, Rudy Moreno used to book, from 97 to about 99. Paid 150 bucks. You took off from me, the L.A. of Burbank. You didn't care.

And they flew you into Tucson. They picked you up Wednesday afternoon. No radio, no nothing. The name of the club was Bugsy's. All right? And to get in, if you brought a bug, they let you in on fucking Wednesday. What? Seriously? A live bug? A large bug?

A large bug? Now, it was owned by a woman, but her three guerrilla-Megilla Mexican fucking mobsters controlled that bar. So three comics, he would fly down, three comics, Everybody did 30 minutes and everybody got $150. The hotel was a fucking nightmare. All right.

Yows, screams, cops, crack holes, people knocking on your doors and you got a lighter and rolling papers, checking out your room to see if the B.C. Oh, no, no, it was a fucking nightmare. One night a girl knocked down my door like, you know, hi, I'm looking to see if you had any beers. And the whole time I'm looking at her eyes and she's trying to. and look around me to see if the TV was locked in still. And all those hotels, the TVs were bolted on, fucking welded on.

Listen, the Titanic's weld that couldn't get the TV off. You wouldn't believe it, Lee. They had a bulletproof shell on the TV. I was going to say, did they have a bulletproof thing at the check-in? No, yes, this was, and the doors didn't lock. The showers, they only gave you little white towels. It was like a Hindu hotel, but it was owned by Mexico. It was fucking crazy.

But enjoy. because there was a few nights all I had to do was walk to the thing and make believe I was looking for candy and a soda and somebody would be creeping around you want to buy Coke I don't think so

but hold on what do you got every time I went there creepy hotel number two Schrader between sunset and Hollywood Boulevard before it became the hostel was just a hotel

for weeks I didn't have an apartment in Hollywood so I would book the road and in between the road I would stay there. Tremendous. People knocking on your door all night, drugs, booze. Hotel number three, Houston, Texas came in there.

Allen Park Inn. Other place where you walked out at three in the morning just to see who you could bump into it and it would always be like a girl crying by the fountain. Is that the Allen Park Inn? Yeah. Yeah, that's where I was with Headburn. Oh, my God.

Remember they had that 24-hour restaurant. Yes, they had a little restaurant. And you go in there and be like, you know, transvestites on speed and stuff. Like older, older, creepy transvestites. The doors didn't really lock on all of them. Yeah. I had some crazy times at the Allen Park Hotel.

If you walked up the corner in the old days, there was a Paragi place. So you'd wake up like at 8.30 with cotton fucking mouth with a headache. And you'd walk 60 yards leading right there at 8 in the morning. They had freshly squeezed dournery. She used to replenish that vitamin to see if the cocaine ate out the night before. How come you're lots to get parogis in Houston? Not pierogies. The fucking thing with the sausage in the middle of it.

Oh, the donut things? The things that they saw the donut chops in Houston, those sausages. Colossages. Colaches. Okay, I was going to say, why can you parodies? Headberg and I, we did. So that massive, the Allen Park Inn was massive, and no one stayed in that back wing.

So we would always stay in the back wing. And, you know, you could play. We could play boom boxes as loud as we want. party of your brains out and leave the doors open in the middle of the night and stuff. And we had all these local Houston comics were over and we had done, and the pool was on the backside too with this big green lawn area, if you remember.

So we had done mushrooms one night, Hedberg and I, and then the sprinklers were on and it's middle of summer, it's really hot. So like we took off our clothes and we're running naked through the sprinklers, you know, riding high, on mushrooms and then we dive into the pool and get out of the pool. And all these local Houston comedians are all like, you know, none of them, you know,

joined in and they're all like watching us. And we were like, we're the headliners. And we're just, you know, having the time of our life from running naked. And last July, I was in Montreal doing the Just for Labs festival. And Ralphie Mae was there. And I was telling this story. And Ralphie goes, I was there. I was there.

I ran naked with you guys. And, um, I would have remembered a naked Ralphie Mae, no matter how fucked up I was. Yeah, you remember a naked man. That's not something like that. You know, I got to tell you something right now. It was just me and Edberg running naked.

In 1998, comedy wasn't taking a nosedive, but comedy was slowing down a little bit. You know, it'd be like 98 and 99. Right. And thinking about it now that you mentioned it, I got to tell you something, you know what started the course, in comedy when you guys co-headlined together that first time in Houston that was that

was it like that was it you know what I'm saying nobody had booked that lineup right well me and Hedberg actually I had never played there before right and Hedberg like thought that that was like his favorite club and he was really great friends with Mark Babbitt so he got me to come in and Hedberg and I actually took less money so we could work together because we were like uh you know we were partying together all the time in new york city at that time he was living at the chelsea hotel i was living in wall street man we'd like party at his place so you all night and i'd be like i'm like i got to get back to my my place in wall street i lived at 71 broadway so like you know it's like six six 30 in the morning there's all these

dudes and suits hustling around wall street trying to i'm like blasted out of my skull trying to get in before the sun came up. What if I told you I was one of those dudes in the suit walking just as blasted as you were? I remember there was a, so like nobody lived downtown in that Wall Street area back then. But there was a homeless guy that would be down there and he was always on the sidewalk.

And I remember this guy was like so fucked up. And he'd like, he'd ask for money, you know, in the day when people around and stuff. But like at night, he'd be the only guy and he'd be like so fucked up. He's like holding on to the sidewalk, you know, so he wouldn't like spin off the earth and go float into the universe and stuff. And I remember, he was like my New York fucked up O'Meter. I remember walking home just remember thinking, you know, as long as I'm not as fucked up as that guy, everything is okay.

I lived in New York in 93. I got to tell you something, boy, was I fucked up. That's a rough town, especially I lived there broke and then I lived there with money. And that's a rough town if you got money. Money. I was making money, believe it or not, working like three different part-time jobs. I was bringing Coke back and forth for people from New York City because the Coke was 35 uncut, 25. It was cut. I could tell you, they would call me. You in the city, yeah, pick up two grams, what did it go for? 50. You know, 50 a gram, you know, even though I knew it was 25. I get them the $25 shit, and I make double the fucking money.

And then I'd add 10 bucks, and for 10 bucks, I'd get a fucking gram of two turuts. And I'd do a bump out of his package You know what I'm saying? The first bump came out of his package Out of respect. Tom, Joey lived in New York and around New York. What were you thinking, like a boy from Florida, a kid from Florida the first time you saw New York?

Well, I don't know if I've ever talked to you guys about this on here before, but, you know, I moved in New York City when I was 20 years old. And I wasn't ready yet as a comedian. And I lived in Washington Heights. This is... 86, 87. Heavy duty. I lived in Washington Heights.

Where is that? Is that like Holland? It's north by, right by Harley. Right by Port Authority. Okay. On a 178 street. No, 178 street. Yeah, that was my subway stop.

That was 178. Sure, sure. I lived at 181 Cabrini Avenue up there. So it's all I can afford. Different world, dog. And this was, and so this was as crack was coming to the neighborhood. So there'd be gunshots at night. Cabrini Avenue in the morning,

there'd be burned out smoldering cars. People would steal cars in Manhattan, drive them up there and just like set them on fire or whatever. So it was like probably the roughest, shittiest year of my life. So I always swore if I ever had any money, I'd live in New York City with style. So 96 to 97, I had that sitcom on NBC. And when that didn't work out,

I moved back to New York City and I got a rock star apartment in the Wall Street area and I had broken up with some girl the sitcom didn't work out and I was hell bent I was party and I thought I was one of the Rolling Stones nothing wrong with that we all get confused but I also looked at that money as my NBC artist grant

and then that's when I started taking trips to London and once I got in with London that led to the gift. around Europe and the rest of the world. So, I mean, you know, I was partying, but I did make some strategic smart moves. You know, I think we've spoken about it before, not with you, but just to let the audience know,

whether you have a show for four episodes or 80 episodes, you had a show. And for anybody who's in the business, I always admire people who had a show, whether it failed or it didn't, because the public has to understand how hard it is, for a show to come together, especially now with diversity and shit like that.

And they're trying to rewrite everything. Today, I was watching the news this morning. My own business. The weather was about to come on, and the guy had Alyssa Milano on there. Do you know they're going to reboot Charmed? Like, they're going to redo Charmed. Like, she's like, all right, CBS put it off to 2018,

but they want to fucking reboot it. And the guy goes, are you happy about it? He goes, you know, how would you feel? How would you feel? if somebody told you, we could do your work better than you. You know, but it's like they have no fucking original ideas. It's a real hard time to put a show together. But my point was, it's really hard to get a show, Tom Rhodes.

You did it. And on NBC, that was kind of a weird different thing. They were the New York Yankees back then. That was the must-see TV period. Friends and Seinfeld and everything. Jesus Christ, Friends was huge. This country sucked that in. they started drinking coffee

and hanging out at fucking coffee shops and nobody was fucking nobody all of a sudden nobody wanted to fuck nobody you gotta hang out with you five nights a week but you're not gonna suck my dick what are you crazy I gotta hang out with you and your creepy girlfriends and nobody's sucking my dick

nobody's doing nothing I gotta pay I gotta act like I give a fuck about you what the fuck? Why is she here? Why is she here? You know what I'm saying? Why is she here? She ain't gonna cook one No we were talking about his mother-law of that they if she moves in

she don't want to cook she's cooking now but once he marries it then I don't come when I want to cook no more that's how to lure you you know what I'm saying?

That's how they oh my God why she's here she's not gonna cook I can't have her so she's gonna move in the mother or mom no no no

no we're just goofing on them yeah okay that sounds like a disaster no yeah that would never happen but when you marry somebody ethnic you got expected I like it man

my wife is ethnic and I you know my wife is from Holland but she's originally from Suriname, which was a Dutch colony. It's actually the Dutch 300 years ago traded what is now Manhattan for Suriname. So there's a lot of Indian people there. I thought she was Indian. She's Indian.

Her ethnicity. Her ethnicity. Yeah, yeah, it's a very complicated sort. Jesus Christ, I thought she was Indian. I'm sitting here going, I feel fucking guilty. I thought she was fucking, she's beautiful. I thought she was Indian. But she's from Holland, so she grew up in Holland.

Jesus Christ. So her family. thousand want to throw me off. So her family, you know, their food is Indian food with also like Caribbean food. So it's really magnificent stuff.

So I always say, have you ever lived in an apartment building and you're walking down the hall and like you know some ethnic people live in one apartment because you walk by there and you can smell the dinner and you're thinking to yourself, man, that's something really exotic

is being cooked in there. That's my apartment. That's where I live. now. It's great. I love it. It's just constant, exotic odors coming out of the kitchen. Tremendous when you're growing up and you get used to your mom's smell of cookies or meatloaf. And as you're walking up the stairs, you could smell it. It's pleasing. I just, there's some food coming out of the kitchen.

I love when I pull up now. My wife's making something with garlic. As I'm turning the key, I can smell it in the end. I'm like, yeah, because my wife was like, she just from telling the seat, she didn't want to use garlic. Then I would say put garlic. It was like garlic of HIV. No, put garlic in that motherfucker. Worst case scenario, it takes care of an infection. I put garlic, extra garlic and everything.

If I'm cooking, blast that motherfucker with garlic. The only thing you can do is taste better. My favorite is the Thai dish that's garlic, chili, and basil leaves. You could put that on a dog turd, and I would eat it. Garlic, chili, and basil leaf is the perfect spice. Tremendous. Just don't bring it around me. I'm saying? I can't deal with curry. I can't deal with curry. No, no, no, it's not the curry.

That's Indian. Like that kind of red hot Thai pepper. I still can't sit there, neither because somebody will be eating curry, and I'll be losing my mind. You follow me? I can't take curry. You don't like it at all? The smell.

Really? It just makes me gag. We've been talking about this for a few weeks since I had an incident where a friend had food in the car, and I almost got sick. I had to tell them, though, you're going to put it in the trunk. Because I'm peeping the fucking car. It was horrible time wrong.

It's like when somebody brings McDonald's on a plane. Yeah. Different fucking odor. Yeah. That Big Mac stinks like a fucking... Yeah. You get somebody's, in somebody's car. I remember when I was young and I'd be on the road.

I'd throw, like, fast food bags in the back, the trash, and I wouldn't clean it out for a long time. You know, I was young and stupid. Now you get in somebody's car and they got, like, old fast food bags. It's like a real greasy, nasty smell. what's the weirdest thing that your girl is made lee you her mom it's not even that weird uh saviche is just a little bit i'm not used to it i'm getting i'm i'm i'm liking it more and more uh i also the when she makes uh psole or any chicken soup they just there's no taking bones out or

yeah and they just put the whole piece of chicken in so that was that takes i'm getting used to but her mom's food is amazing it's uh that's not the issue it just i don't really if the really if issue is if I moved in that her my mom would get jealous and then that would be the huge issue so no no mom's moving in at all but as a kid I had a thing where like every other pet kid's house stunk like ass to me like I don't know if was the mom's cooking or what it was but I was used to my house but I would get into the kids cars or the kids houses and it just smelled smelled like B.O I don't know what it smelled just smelled terrible my car smells like 10 that assholes of it it really does I don't know if I fought it

man i left you know enough you for you always i'll tell you i'll tell you one of the weirdest things i ever ate my my wife her grandmother when i first met her uh we've been together like nine years in april so it's like five years ago uh or no it had to be longer because it was the very first time i met her grandmother so i go over to her house and she's cooking dinner and you know you're you know i'm i'm in love with this woman you know of course i want the family to like me so i'm had made the mental decision, I'm going to eat whatever the grandmother puts in front of me and I'm going to love it.

So she puts this, she brings out the food and I'm digging in and I'm throwing it in my mouth and chewing and it actually was delicious and I'm like, oh my God, grandma, this is so good. What is this? And it was chicken hearts. I had one chicken heart

in my life in Israel. It was actually whatever spice she had used. Once I knew what it was, then I got like, oh my God, I can't believe I was eating chicken hearts. If you ever make something exotic. Here's the thing. Here's the problem. So whenever, so grandmother acted like,

so because I acted like I loved the chicken arts, every time I went over to her house, she'd make it for me because she thought I loved it so much. So if you're dating someone ethnic and you go to their family, you know, be careful before you act like you love what's in front of you. Sorry, what are you going to say, Julie? I have no fucking idea. When you make something exotic.

When you make something exotic, I forgot what the fuck love. My point was. Hmm. No, no, no. If you make something exotic and you offer it to me and I eat it. And then an hour lady, you tell me what it is. I'm going to puke on you.

I'm like, I'm one of those people. Like, serious. Like, if you trick me and go, it's a cheeseburger. And then an hour lady, you go, no, we lied to you. It's like fucking bull's balls, deep fried with terriaki on it. I'll fucking die. Yeah. Like, I'm one of those guys.

I love veal scallapini there was a friend of mine that made veal scallopini your asshole smoke would come out of it i mean you would just break down razor thin tom rhodes are fucking thin it was brilliant i couldn't eat it i couldn't eat it why knowing that there was just a little lamb i couldn't eat lamb i can't eat cubans and santa ria when you go to those santa ria parties the animals they sacrifice to what they cook they're fresh asses animals. I can never eat none of that shit growing up. I wouldn't touch one of those fucking chickens. You understand me? Yeah. My mother's from Buenos Aires, Argentina, and I've been down there four times. I got all these cousins that live down there, and I have a cousin that has a restaurant in Patagonia, in El Bosone, and I went to see him, visit him, and he slipped some like goat liver, goat kidney, something like that on me. And, like, his, you know, their English wasn't very good. I don't speak very much Spanish.

It was like people. They were all laughing. You still like them? I thought that was kind of a... Dushy. Dushy? Yeah, me too. I think it's duchy.

I don't want to be slipped anything weird. No, that's why I tell people my boundaries and I appreciate it to respect them. I can eat anything. I like exotic food. I like spicy. I love curry. I like everything but oysters. I don't like oysters.

I don't like oysters. Me neither, yeah. But I love seafood. I love almost everything out of the sea. But you like clams, Joey? you? I love clams. Yeah, I can't do it. Those things are different, though. It's a different texture. Those things you get in Boston, those steamers, they're delicious.

I can't do any of that stuff. I like clams on a half-shell with a couple beers. I like, you know, I like seafood. There's not much I don't like. I can't wait until my wife, the baby gets over being carsick. There's a spot in Santa Monica dog, Santa Monica, Santa Barbara that has the spaghetti with the squid in it. I've had that before. And your teeth get all black. Yeah, your teeth get all black. But the Cubans used to make that, my stepdad used to make that squid with rice.

Oh my God, Tom Rhodes, with cherriesone shit and onions. See, that's the shit I crave after my family broke up. I missed my mother's cooking. But I was so old-fashioned that I never ate Cuban food for five years maybe after my mother died. I didn't start eating Cuban food until 84. My mother died in 79. I never touched Cuba. Hell, yeah, it has to be.

Part of it was that, and I knew that half the food I was going to eat wasn't as good as my mother's food. Right. So I started out with Cuban sandwiches. Then I went to Miami and I got Boliche. That's my favorite. You know, I like black beans and rice, but I don't like black beans and rice. I like black beans and rice when it's by themselves. If you want to give me a dish of black beans and rice, but when I'm eating something else, I don't know what it is.

I love the fucking black and white rice mixed already. Congri, that shit's on the money. I've never even heard of that. Next time you go to Versailles, get a cider, Congri. I mix it together already anyways. No, I'm going to try it. Just try it. It was two dollars.

What do you give a fuck? Do you have a rule, Tom? Because, I mean, you've traveled all over the world. About what? Because the thing that struck me when I went to Israel was how many McDonald's and KFCs and all that stuff there were. Do you try to avoid those kind of places when you're in China and, Thailand.

Yeah, well, you know, every once in a while, you'll be in a pinch. I'll tell you, like, in Jakarta, Indonesia was probably the greatest Kentucky fried chicken I've ever had in my life. There was a 24-hour place next to the hotel. I was doing this comedy festival there five, six years ago. You know, I was still drinking heavily then. You know, I'm all clean now. And I'm plastered.

It's like 3 o'clock in the morning. There's a big two-story 24-hour Kentucky fried chicken. And they actually served it on real plates. And it wasn't like that small genetically made, you know, Kentucky Fried Chicken, you know, we have in the States. It was like, these were like big, massive pieces. It was great. But normally I do avoid the, you know, I like food. I like, you know, that's a big part of the traveling for me is eating weird, wonderful stuff.

I'm not really that weird. I don't really get that weird. I tend to stick to basic things. things you like. I mean, I just not, I don't avoid the culinary experience, is what I'm saying. I'm not looking out for blowfish or anything.

Right, I don't want to do that. I think it'd be really fun to just have like sushi in Japan. Yeah. It did like pasta and Italy. I think that would be kind of fun. Korea's got great food. Jesus Christ, the Korean barbecue. It's good over there. Oh my God, it's so good. And then the Shabu Shabu, which

originally comes from Japan, but the Koreans are all over it. And it's a big boiler soup and you just keep throwing shit in it vegetables and thinly sliced beef and it cooks the beef for you yeah and you take it out and you take it out and you like eat it like a you know out of a bowl it's frigging delicious there's a few shaboo shaboo places in l. I've tried that weren't even close to it

close that's why I didn't know even but in Korea town there's there are some Korean barbecue places that are phenomenal you just get loaded up now we were talking earlier you would you know I was telling you that this Sunday's going to be my 20th year anniversary at the store. And I couldn't believe it the last couple days just because I was such a loser. I was stuck with nothing in my life. Like, I knew when I tried comedy and I said to myself, what is that?

I'm about to quit my job. I'm about to go nomad. I'm about to go off the spectrum. Let your hand off the edge of the pool. Oh, I owed in credit card debt. I mean, there was nothing left when I got into comedy. There was no more checks from Discover. You know, those checks they send you when you get to the airport?

cover card there was no more those left it was over evicted my car got fucking repoed i mean it was over i was living off a fucking stipend from the sports betting service they would send me like 800 a month to pay rent and utilities and get groceries and i was delivering chinese food making money but snort and coke with two hands i was always chasing it child support was 365 the attorneys 500 a week the vig with the fucking attorneys every week it was deep. And one day I called the attorneys like a man. I said, listen, I got an opportunity to become a comedian. I'm leaving tomorrow. You could send my thing to collection. If you send it to collection, you can write it off. But as a man, I tell you what I will do. I will call you when I get to Seattle. I will call you when I get a job and I will

figure out a payment plan with you. Give me 90 days to send you a payment plan. And all three of them were like, okay. And you know what? I paid them. It took me a long fucking time, but I paid these guys, even though two of them weren't worth their weight in gold. If something would ever gone down,

I would have machine gunned them both on the way to fucking New York to become a drug dealer. That's how much it. They took me for everything, those guys, dog. Every credit card. After a while, they were taking credit card payments.

You know, you can't go nowhere to file a motion. I was always following a motion with my ex-wife. But the more of the story is, I couldn't believe I stuck with something for 20 years, especially the comedy store. I got 86 from every place I hung out of it. You know what I'm saying? Growing up, I got 86 from every place I hung out of it.

Why? Because I always did something. I always did something. The comedy store, I walked on a crooked line for a long time, but Mitzi Shaw had my back. So whenever they complained to her, she just gave, leave fat baby alone, and that was it.

I never spit in her face. I never did nothing. Every once in a while I found something on the floor and put it in my pocket, like something, you know what? Or somebody else will. Like what? Maybe a $100 bill here or there, maybe, you know, from time to time you find stuff up there.

But you never really had a falling out. You didn't go there for seven years, but... But that was on a personal decision. They didn't ask me to leave. They didn't ask me to come back. I just thought that... Listen, man, I was... I look, I watch.

If Tom Rhodes walked into side splitters in 1982, when did you start comedy? 84. 84. You walked into side splitters in 84. What's the guy that owned side splitters? Bobby Jewel, but I didn't. Okay. It doesn't matter.

Tom Rhodes comes in. He's a 17-year-old comic. He has fucking promise. For three years, I am saying I pay him a little money. I take care of him the last two years because he's fucking up the feature acts. Then he becomes my feature act. Okay?

You know what? He's pretty fucking good. But I'm in Orlando, Florida, or whatever fuck, Tampa, Florida. You know, MTV don't come down here. You know, NBC, A&E in those days. Nobody going to went to Tampa, Florida. If you were a comic,

I didn't even know there was a scene in Tampa. I'm just making an example here. Right, right, right. But all of a sudden, this guy liked you. And all of a sudden, he would come to you and go, come here for a second. this guy's manager keeps calling me. He wants me to give him a raise.

Go up there and blow him off the stage. I'll give you an extra 100. You know how long that would last? Now you have that for like a two years, and then he starts headlining you on the holidays, right? He headlines you the 4th of July weekend. He headlines your Valentine's Day, gives you a new year with a star.

You have nowhere to go. By that time, you've been doing comedy seven years. You're pretty damn fucking good. It's time for you to move on. I have a seven-year limit with a club You know, because I tweeted like if I was doing comedy in Michigan Or I started in Denver How long would you stay at the comedy works

Before you went and pursued your dreams When you were blowing off all the headliners off the stage When the headliners were saying, Wendy, You can't put Tom Road running me, Doug I can't take that that motherfucker's killing You know, when they start saying that, you got to go to L.A. So how long does it take for them to start saying that? Seven years.

I was at the store for seven years by that point when I bought out. I was doing spots five to six times a weekend hosting on Sundays. You know, I was drinking for free. You know, you know the fucking deal up there. I was fucking having a great time up there, you know, getting my dick sucked in the bathroom. Creating memories. Creating memories. Absolutely right.

So, but I never really robbed. There was one discrepancy. I was the driver. And I went to the bank one day, and I went to put deposit in, and it was off like a yardstick. And I gave the banker all the fucking money, even though I would have taken that $100 in any other situation.

And the banker added it on, but somebody at the comedy store said there wasn't an extra $100 in there. But then it went away. Then there was another dude that didn't like me, and he said I stole two cartons of cigarettes. So they confronted me one night, and it was tremendous. That's the first time.

That's the second time Mitzie Shaw saw me tell him motherfucker to suck my dick. Like right through his face. I didn't steal him. Suck my dick. You have a problem? Fucker. He liked my girlfriend at the time, the stripper. Every time I'd be on stage, you'd bring you cocktails and shit.

So he made up the sting that I stole the cart and cigarettes. Yeah, man. It was tough up there for me the early days. I got into the fight with that one dude. Then I was host him one night, and I told the kid not to touch the microphone because it was broken. And he purposely went and took the mic off the thing. I asked him why he did it. He wanted to throw a punch at me.

Then I fucking zapped him up there. And I caught him down in La Jolla and I hit him with a pool cute. I put him with a poop. I threw fucking, you know those white balls from when you're playing pool? I set the place up like Code of Silence, Chuck Norris, 83. Steven Seagall did it in that one movie about Brooklyn, but he stole it from fucking Chuck Norris and Codda Silence and shit. I threw it at his car door and sounded like a bomb went off.

He thought ISIS was in town. He took off, and he shut up with a water pistol, to spray me with a gun. Here I showed up with a white cube ball. Boom, he just took off and called the Comedy Store in the Ohio. I mean, that had a lot of drama at the store, like, that type of shit. But Mitzie loves that shit. That's Mitzie's world.

People leave jobs because they don't like coworkers. It's amazing. All these stories I hear about comedians. It's amazing that more of you just don't, it's amazing that as many of you survive that do. Like, I don't get, to me, like, you must. There's a lot to just make it. Bro, there's a lot of times. Not a lot to make it.

I get it. Jesus Christ, why do you think I'm over here fucking confused? Because I stuck with it for 20 years just at the store. I've been doing it for 26, 27 this year, hopefully. But think about it. I never did nothing good. I sold drugs. I was the only thing I was good at.

That's the only longevity I had. From 16 to fucking, you know, to 10 years ago. I knew how to make a buck flipping Coke and, and, stomping it and moving out the joey d s award the drug dealers back in new york right but dog you know i when i first started com you gotta you gotta you gotta consider how many nights i was fiend and coke until some sucker came up to me and said you know what to get an eight ball and you're like jesus there is a god up in the sky and you're like i'm getting a neighbor for 180 but i'll charge a 240 i'll buy a gram from him i'll get a fucking bump from him and i'll get a half

gram from this bitch that's a party for a guy like me in those days that's Miami vice type money I didn't have big expectations as long as had 20 dollars cash like a gram and a half of coke in those days I was good I didn't need a penthouse or a boat I didn't need chicks hanging out bikinis I didn't need 20 bucks that's all you wanted that's it I could go to a bar have a couple cocktails and buy breakfast in the morning I'm good and tomorrow's another struggle tomorrow bump into another sucker I love let me give some shout out to your day-to-day plan Real quick. This is interesting tonight.

Out of John 73. I love you, cocksucker. Rob Betts on fights. Robert Loomis, Ryan Dow, Kevin Stanley, space monkey Sean. My main man, the Australian warrior, got my back. Jordan Dixon and Steve Cobbock, you bad motherfuckers. What are you going to do? I love it. Hello to Chuck Bowman's son, big fan of this show. What's happening, Chuck Bowman's son. I love you, bad motherfuck.

Keep it together. He's going to be very happen. That just happened. He's in, or they live in Oviedo, where I'm from in Florida. Ovidio, they came and saw my show at the improv in Orlando. I play there every Christmas time. And he was like, man, you did Joey Diaz's a show. He's a big fan of the show.

I'm like, yeah, Joey's a buddy man. It was funny, like nothing else impressed him. That was... It's like when you have a young nephew or niece, and they kind of like you. and then you pop up on one of their favorite TV shows. And one day the phone rings, and it's like, listen, my son wants to talk to you.

Why? He doesn't even talk to me. Uncle Joey, I saw you as the Meatball King today. Oh, boy. I'm so proud of you, and I can tell my friends, you're the Meatball King and shit. I swear to God, I went home one time. The chick called me. She said, you need to do me, favor.

My son told the kids, he knows the Meatball King. They don't believe him. Can you just go to the school with me and go by the fence? I swear to God. I just had to get on the car and wave And he's like, I told you, motherfucker I told you, I know people and shit That's my uncle Joey

Three years later He never fucking liked me when he was a kid That's amazing Years ago when I had that sitcom Margie called me up She lived in Maryland And some kid that lived near them Was saying

It was like the kid was like 10 or 12 years old And he was running his mouth at school Saying that he knew me And the kids at school were like No fuck you, you don't know that guy So she asked me to sign a picture for the kid He was getting harassed at school And I thought

I said look Margie I don't know this fucking kid Maybe he shouldn't be running his mouth at school You know So I'm gonna have to sign a picture Like we know each other so this kid cannot be harassed Maybe this is where you should learn his lesson You know I am always better in all of you I watch at the store sometimes

And you know deep down inside I know I'm just a fucking character. No, you're a wrecking ball. I love watching you too. Guys like you, you think stuff out and you're very likable and the whole thing.

And it's so weird that you started at 17. At 17, if I would have started comedy, I would have quit when I was 18. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I was a weak fuck at 17. Like, you, did you say you quit high school? No, you didn't. No, I graduated and then I went right on the road.

But you were doing comedy in high school. Started in 11th grade, yeah. Like a pizza place? No, it was the club, the comedy club in Orlando, which at the time was the funny farm. And I had to get a fake ID to perform there. You had to be 21 to get into the clubs. And back then in Florida, maybe it was the same in New York back then, but when you got your driver's license, they gave you a pink slip with it in case you lost it.

So you could bring the pink slip in to get your license replaced. So my older brother, John, who was 21, I took his pink slip. lip to the DMV. I'm sure the Statue of Limitations is run out. And he made me memorize all his information, like his Social Security and all this. And I went and had my

photo taken on his license. So it was flawless. I did the exact same thing without the photo. In Jersey, growing up, there was no pictures. On the license? On the license? You're kidding. It was a three-fold license.

Wow. Back front. Your name, date, where you lived in Jersey, what kind of license you had. So if you had it, for years, I was Michael Lebrano. For a couple years, I was this kid named Screech. I had them all, Skeech, something like that. They called him because he was tight. Like he was cheap with money.

They called him Skech. So one of my friends robbed his identity. And that's what you did in those days. You sold everybody your spare license, which was even better. The only thing they were asking those days was, what sign of you? That's it. At the driver, at the DMV? No, at all the clubs, and you went out there.

Oh, aha, that's funny. What sign of you, motherfucker? That was, I learned that trick, too, when I was at the movie theater. They told me to just ask people what their birthday was. That birthday was. It was kind of fucking crazy. And they freeze. I should say that plan worked great until I got a speeding ticket on my brother's license,

and he beat me up and took it away from me. But for a good two years, I had a good run. But I was already in with the clubs by then. And when were you starting to go on the road? How old? 18. I graduated from high school when I was 18 years old, and some touring comedians had come through.

And I remember the first, because in high school, I had done all these shitty one-nighters. I was a senior in high school. I was opening up for Brian Regan. I was in San Francisco last weekend. Brian Regan came by. He was playing at the Masonic Theater. I've known Brian Regan as long as I've been a comedian.

And we're great old friends. I used to open up for him doing these shitty butt-fuck, one-nighter gigs Max famous bar in Daytona was a really tough biker bar Where's he from originally? Miami. Brian Regan is from Miami, baby. Yeah, his family's got from like 11 kids

And Brian was clean back then And he would destroy the place So when I was a senior I was on one-nighters all over Florida And then through touring acts It had come through. I had made some connections I remember Like two weeks after I grabbed

graduated high school, I was booked in Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I remember I drove halfway across the United States for $150. And I remember crossing the Tulsa city limits thinking to myself, I'm in show business. I mean, I could have been doing the Tonight Show or S&L. That's how I felt. It was like, man, I'm in Tulsa, man. I'm getting paid, you know? And then like, uh, the next week I was booked in, in, you know, Waukesha, Wisconsin. And then, Driving back to Florida, I, you know, I stopped in like Indianapolis and Louisville, Atlanta, and did guest sets at the clubs, you know, trying to expand it. He just went through changes.

The changes are starting now. Oh, my God. Oh, did it kick in? Oh, yeah, we had a couple of stars, so it's starting to kick in. What did you do? Huh? What did you do? Oh, just stars.

Just stars at that, THC. Oh, okay. Nothing crazy. We got wire on? He looked pretty... Wait a thing. He looks like he's coming. He looks like he's coming.

No, yeah, he's coming. All right. He had 1,600 milligrams of T-8C. He's about to go to a fucking smear. Oh, no, we've got to give him another stuff. We're going to call Guinness tonight. We're going deep tonight. Oh, my God.

He's going to sleep like a baby. I'll say anything on this show. I'm screwed later on life. I've done everything on this show, so it doesn't mean. I don't mind saying anything. The first time, like, did this show and it was in you it was in your apartment

and Joey you got you had some weed it was I was so high halfway in the conversation I just like I I felt like I might have been out for like 10 minutes and I talked to you about it later and you were like no no you were fine but like there was just

like I mean I was like seeing stars and birds floating around my head I make a confession right here I my anxiety started in that apartment with Lee. Our bodies could not handle poorly. People think I break Lee's balls. Let me tell you something. I know Lee's a tank because Lee would go joint for joint with me at 5.30 in the morning. Nobody does that. Animals do that. Animals do that. Prisoners of war do that type of

shit. People have been tortured in prison camps. Nobody smokes pot at 5.30 in the morning. nobody that's animalistic shit and maybe they take a one hit off of a joint maybe you get breakfast first to be civilized read the paper you know what I'm saying drink a cup of coffee we were drinking coffee going to his house and getting blasted and I gotta tell you that was when I was getting the first dose of anxiety that was when I was there was times I had to take the earphones off

being in that fucking room remember we used to have diet coke at 6 a.m. He doesn't have a Diet Coke? That's terrible for you. Terrible. That early morning shit we did for two years. But it's cool what you guys did though. Like, I mean, you really kind of started the show, like kind of a mom and pop

organization. This was it. I mean, it took off and you guys were doing great then. But like, just the way it grew from that to this now is really cool. Tom, it's no. As soon as I looked and I look. You guys are a corporation now. It's as soon as I looked and I saw, I remember that you came a second time.

but in my head, I only remember the first visit. And I was thinking about that today because I knew you were coming on. I was like, we had the Lysol wipes as our tripods. Yeah. Everything was set up on like your kitchen table or something. Not even a kitchen table, a card table and a desk. And it's, that was like four years ago. It's crazy how far it's come.

It's beautiful. I was talking to the lady who does publicity for New Wave today. And she was telling me that she's learning new shit every day, that the traditional publicist is a thing of the past, like even she's behind. Because of what's going on now. The internet's a new animal now. Right.

The internet has become a new fucking animal. You know, they don't even want to release the pictures of how many, numbers of how many people on the internet of a daily fucking basis watching something. videos, comedy shows, stand-up specials, old movies, the little rascals. This shit runs shit now. This runs stuff, you know. We're like pirate radio. But it's tremendous.

I love that we pick our hours. I love that this is our little fucking war here. I love everything about this. This has been a great, you know, who would have known when you got to stand up that this? You can do anything yourself now. It's great. Yeah. You can do anything yourself.

I see these young kids who are in specials. I pull them aside and go listen. Comedy Central don't give it to you. They're going to play your special one time and move on. Forget that. Put 10 minutes on every 90 days. Watch your career grow like a savage. People that on their work every day.

Get on Twitter. Put a fucking 10 minutes set on there. Every 90 days. What? Do that fucking for 18 months. Call me back and give me a commission. All right? Call me back and give me a fucking commission.

That's the recipe there. I've been putting out these weekly videos called knowledge nuggets. Have you seen those? No. No, we fucking send them to me. You know, not that I'm not going to knock on my door and say, Joey, what the fuck. You send it to me on Twitter. I'll retweet it for you.

You get it out there for you, brother. Okay, okay, I will. But yeah, there's just like little factoid, things that I think people should know, you know. But I'm still impressed with the 17 shit on the road. I would have never had the discipline, the balls. I mean, I left Jersey at 18, 19. Don't not going to lie. I knew college wasn't for me.

My family didn't have money to send me to college, you know, and they weren't teaching stand-up comedy. You know, I knew I wanted to be a comedian from the time I was 12. So I was like, I was writing jokes and notebooks from 12 to 17. And in high school, I hosted the pep rallies and the talent shows. So I was already kind of warming up. And then, you know, I was a student of comedy. My dad had Richard Pryor Records.

I remember Kinnison coming out. I was like in 10th grade. blew my mind, you know, and... You never wavered from 12 on, you were never like, hey, maybe I'll be a vegetarian for and that was for a year. No, I think up till about 15, it was either a stand-up comedian or major league baseball player, and then kids started throwing the curveball, and then I couldn't hit it, so I knew it was not going to be baseball.

Well, you know, that's crazy that until 15, because baseball seems like one that would be like as a younger kid one more attainable yeah that's great no i it was it was my dream and and comedy was exciting like in the 80s it was you know david letterman and all this alternative shit was happening really on uh you know stephen wright emo phillips it was a lot of cool shit happening and as a 17 year old you saw that on all on tv or yeah i used to get the tv guide at the beginning of the week and i would look through all the talk shows and i would circle when they would have comedians on. And so like Johnny Carson was my university professor. I worshipped Carson. And I loved when he would have comedians on. And I, you know, so I'd watch these people.

And then HBO had the HBO specials. I would watch those, you know, watch SNL, anything that had anything to do with stand-up comedy. It was my, that was my schooling. What did your friends say when you were going home on a Friday night to watch these things? Well, after 17, I was going to the comedy club. Right. So, like, I skipped a lot of football games and dances and stuff to go do stand-up on the weekends. Oh, okay. So they were, I mean, you know, they had to endure a lot of cheesy jokes.

Like, I remember when I started doing comedy at 17, all my thoughts were the thoughts of a 17-year-old. So it was all, like, trying to get laid on dates and things like that. I found a, I found it when I, you know, I had everything in storage for 10 years. and when I got everything out of storage, I've been keeping comedy notebooks, like hard-backed notebooks from the time I was 20, but I actually found one of my comedy notebooks from when I was 17.

And do you want to lay a joke on you from the 17-year-old Tom Rhodes? Okay, so 1984, if you remember, Africa was starving. Remember? Yes. Live-Aid. And then if you remember, men's fashion had a lot of paisley. Okay, so here's a joke that was in my... my 17-year-old notebook that I was looking through it when I moved in and got everything out of storage.

Hit me. I gave a bunch of clothes to charity. And the man at the charity shop said that these clothes were going to be sent to Africa. Oh, I could see some guy in Africa wearing my clothes going, gee, I hope this paisley vest doesn't clash with my genitals. We'll move on. That was the 17-year-old. Listen, man. Yeah.

You don't even want to hear what's coming on. I'm like 28. Can I plug some dates? You're way ahead of me. No, no, we're not done yet. Okay. I'm still, when did you start featuring? Oh, my God.

I was so, I think about when I was 22, 23. Yeah, I am ced for like five, six years. Yeah, maybe five. I am ced for four years. The first time I featured was for Lori Kilmartin at the Seattle Comedy Underground. Memorial Day, Labor Day weekend in 1995. I loved that room.

That original underground was fantastic. The King Dome was across the street. With the fucking roaches on the nachos and the smell of humidity. Oh, if you ever went to see me there, Lee, and I knew who you were, like you, you like nachos? No, I don't anymore. What are you talking about you? No, I wouldn't have told you. I would have just bought your nachos and put you in a certain chair behind the thing.

And while you're looking at the comedian laughing, eating the nachos. There'd be a water bug on the other side of your nachos, and you'd see his antenna's moving while he's sucking the milk out of the cheese to his little antennae in his stomach. I mean, you don't like when people give you... I would fuck it. I would be at the beam waiting to go up, because you walked from where the office was, from Ron Reed's office.

So you always walk to the right of the stage at the old underground, and while I was bringing you up, you stopped at that beam on my right. Okay? That beam, you stood there for a minute because if the guy was long-winded, this guy would always reach out and go, good luck. But while you were talking to him, they'd be like it was very dark.

He's watching the show. His girlfriend's watching the show. The roaches were smart. They'd go to the opposite end where they were sitting. They couldn't see the fucking roach. I'd see the roach in plain sight and another roach on the table going to join his brother.

I wouldn't say two words. You have to say something. I couldn't. I wouldn't say two fucking words. if you let a road go on your nachos you deserve it to what you get you understand but the naches are you can't see them

fuck them they're attacking from all angles fuck him he put him he should put them close to him he shouldn't get nachos at the comedy underground you should know better you don't fuck you remember the the condo that they would put you in it was in pioneer square it was like two blocks you know what I never went up there I never was one of the hells like

Pioneer Square was all these like junkies and heroin eggs and fuck it's there you're staying right downtown Seattle you were a block and a half in the club That area, I love that area. Yeah. I can't lie. There was a terriaki place next to it.

It was great there. Next to the underground. The underground was great. That experience for what it was for me at that time was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. I was stuck. I was living in Boulder and had a decision to make when I want to be a comedian. Well, I wanted to fight hand in hand combat for the fucking child custody.

I was losing my mind. I was losing the battle, but I wasn't going to lose the. the war and i was gonna do some muggly says you know what i got this little freak that lives in seattle she says if i move up then get a job she'll let me put in her muffler i might as well had i did a triple run that took me right to portland dog he financed the whole move from me you know 120 a night whatever the fuck he paid working your way across working my way up to fucking peninsula i that night after the gig i couldn't wait to get through a house i moved then with him the rest you know it was a fucking nightmare for a year and a half but i pulled it off and i became a

comedian. I knew what it was. I lived in an office. I knew what it was to take a shower at the gym. You know, you learn how to hustle voiceover work and, and, uh, how do you get that? I'd love to do voiceover. This was in Seattle where it was a small market, but from time to time, you'd get a call. Can you do a regular white guy actually? Yeah, come down. 35 dollars a day. They were robbing you. Right. But, you know, when you're living in the fucking mouth and you have to wait till 10 o'clock to eat dinner because that's when the happy hour at that one place, McCormick and Schmitz, they had the $2 menu so you couldn't

it was from 4 to 7 to 10 to 11. So if you were broke, you had to wait until 4 to eat dog. $4.10 at McCormick and Schmitz got your two fucking crab cakes, a hamburger, an order of fries, a bottle, frozen Coke, and maybe a

shrimp cocktail for 10 bucks. If you had another fin, you tipped her. And then you wait to go to the comedy club, see what the guy was paying, how many people would show up, and you'd go right back to McCormick and Schmitz at 10 o'clock. And the happy hours, 10 to close in those days. Same menu. Crab cakes, fucking cheeseburger, French fries. They charge you two bucks for French fries, but you would kill for these fucking things at McCormick and Schmitz. It's an interesting fucking life.

You know, like our friend Stanhope lived in the car. He was the one in the game of the idea to put the fucking curtain in the back of my lease on. You know, I saw Doug Stanton. I saw Doug travel car like in 1995 in Seattle 96 the one he was using to travel across the country with the fucking hanger in the back and his whole life was in the back seat he had a lot of proportion footballs I copied the whole fucking blueprint he's like just move on the road I was like that's not a bad idea I put a fucking hanger in the back and the back was a pillow a blanket you know toilet paper, more toilet paper, emergency toilet paper. If you cut somebody with a knife toilet paper,

I had a knife in there, I had fucking those little candles. You know, what do you call those flamingo things with the pinksters? The motif care. What do you call those things? They have pink in there and they're flammable. You could fucking light a builder. Oh, yeah. No, the shit.

No, they're the cans. They're in the little cans, right? When you go camping, you pop the can and you put a marshmallow stick in there and shit. and the marshmallow gets black. Tell me you never did that, Lee. I went camping. I'm a moot. I had a shitty fucking childhood

that we're doing that type of shit. And I know that you got a can of Rubio, whatever the fuck it is. You pop it open. You put a lighter to it, and then you get a little fucking stick, and you get a marshmallow like a half a fag, and you sit there for 10 minutes,

and it cooks the marshmallow. Even I fucking know that, Lee. And I'm a fucking, you know, you never did that with a marshmallow. I would just build a fire. Flamo, Flamo. That's it. Some fucking shit like that.

I think Flamo is probably illegal now. Flamo doesn't sound that safe. Flamo sounds like something before regulations. Yeah, I think... I think that was even, like, a fake product in, like, an authority. I think somebody would complain. You had a product called Flamow today. That's not conducive with the fucking LBGT community.

Somebody would complain. Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen. sometimes I gotta make a rude fucking dyes for the bathroom if you want to fucking judge me wait till you get 50 years old and everything your drink comes right out of you 10 minutes later you can't even sleep at night

you gotta go with the drop boat before you go to sleep in your 50 you gotta sit there and not drink anything for two hours some nights I go to bed so fucking thirsty I put that sleep out and your mask on I wake up like one of those fucking black kids in Africa I can't breathe I can't do nothing I got cotton mouth all the way down to my fucking

esophagus because I'm sticking I get to fucking drink something so I don't get up in the middle of night. And do you know what? Even if I stop drinking fluid at 6 o'clock, at 3.30, there'll be two fucking minutes worth the piss in my leg somewhere that drains in the middle of the fucking night. So I'm sorry if you're judging me, but wait until you turn fucking 50 cuck suckers. At least you don't pee your bed. No, it's been years. I've had accidents over the years, but it's been years.

That last one three, four years ago was it. That's it. That's it. I haven't had. And it was from the surgery. I haven't had one for a while. Thank God. I'm going to get this shock.

I'm looking forward to, I've never done it with a girl in the bed. That's going to be weird. That's going to be bad. You just look at them and go, what happened? You get up, you throw your underwears in the fucking floor, and you wake her up and go, what happened to you last night? She'll say to you, my panties are dry. It couldn't have been me.

What are you crazy? You were sleepwalking. I know you were doing something crazy in the middle of night. 33 years, Tom Rhodes. 33 years, my brother. All right, so now it took you five years to feature. When did you start headlining after that? Where was your first destination move?

Was it SF? Well, yeah, after that first year, when I moved to New York when I was 20, I lived there for a year, and then I moved back to Florida and licked my wounds for a year, and then I moved to San Francisco when I was 22. And then that's where I really got good as a comedian. It was a great scene in... When you were 22, what year was it?

91, I think? No. You're fucking 50. I'm 54. Couldn't have been 91. I was 21 and 85. 90. 90.

So when I was 23 then? 23. 23. Comedy seen in this country was on a fucking boom. Yeah. By that time, I got locked up. All right. I got locked up.

By the time I got to my phone. Final destination, they put me in the kitchen. I almost blew up the fucking kitchen. They made me a baker fest in this all-black kitchen. They always ask you when you check it. You ever have that disease? And I'm like, I got no fucking diseases. Nobody told me you're supposed to say you had it at one time

because then they won't put you in the kitchen. I didn't want to be labeled with a guy with disease. I got no disease. They asked you if you had like, would you ever have whooping cough? No. Go see the guy in the kitchen. He's looking for workers and shit. You're like, what the fuck?

I don't want to work in the kitchen. I got the driver's license. I want to work, so when I went to the kitchen, they made me a baker for like three or four days. But they made me make cinnamon muffins, and I almost blew up the fucking kitchen in the oven. Because left the oven, I swear to God, the things got huge, everybody laughed at me and shit.

So he fired me from the bakery, and he made me a dishwasher, stock clerk. And I had my own region in the fucking thing, but that's not important. Every night you had a different activity that you could either attend or not attend. The most popular activity was movie night. They wouldn't play anything good, nothing current.

It's like, you know, they would have the stand-up. It was something that you didn't want to watch that the prisons picked, and then they cut it. There was no sex and then this shit, whatever. But the projector would keep fucking breaking. And I used to fuck around the kitchen. Since I was a dishwasher, I would be there when the guys were eating. And if the food wasn't good, I had different guys that I would let them know not to eat.

Like, they had canned shit, though. This is the lowest. grade food you can buy. That's what you eat as a prisoner. When you see it, you can't fucking believe it. Thank God you had a 20-minute furlough every day to buy food. And I knew dudes who cooked food. And I could clip the good stuff, like eggs for guys to help them out and shit like that. But I would always make jokes at this black guy named Etchy that was in there for bank robbery and armed robbery. Cool little. Did he call this catchy? No, his name was Etchy. He was about Six foot four, 185 pounds.

He looked like the Detroit hitman. What was his name? The fighter. Thomas Hitman Hurons. He looked just like an. Etchy looked just like him. And I would tell Etchie that I'd give him extra mashed potatoes. If he'd come into the jail facility and say, freeze!

And the head of the kitchen would always go, Mr. whatever his name was, Mr. Edwards. Stopped out already. But he would always walk in real calm and calm. collected and just go freeze loud and the whole place would fucking stop they were all street guys so they all knew like freeze and they'd stop then they'd turn around and go etchy you black motherfucker knock it off but etchie had a sense of humor these other guys so I got into goofing with that and they would call me Cuba and I would call them whatever you fucking black fuck get it together and shit I was having them ship you back to Cuba you fuck they'll confuse you

for one of those Cubans, they'll make you cut. You know, it's just light stuff, you know? Man. I spent one weekend in jail in Little Rock, Arkansas. Oh, Jesus Christ. What is that? Not a DUI. No, man, it was a fucked up story.

My really good friend of mine from high school, our senior year, he had moved to Little Rock, and like I said, I started out on the southern circuits. So I would go see this guy whenever I was anywhere near Arkansas. You know, I drive out of my way, go see him. So we had, I stopped off to see him in Little Rock. He had set up, you know, some girls for us to take out. And back then, there's a river that runs right beside Little Rock, Arkansas,

and there's the downtown. And there was this big field, big empty field. I'm sure that now that's where the Clinton Library is. But teenagers used to go park there and drink and make out with girls. And, you know, you're looking at the city on the other side of the river. So we're sitting there drinking beer with these girls. two swinging chicks from Camp Robinson, some area in Little Rock.

And then all these cop cars come from both directions. And all these kids are running, and they're busting people for drinking. And my dad was in the military, my brother's in the military. There was two cops. One took me and my girl to one side of the car, and the other cop took him and his girl to the other side of the car. So because I've been around military people,

and I know you don't run your mouth to cops, I'm yes sir, no sir, yes sir, no sir. And the words had just left my cop's mouth. He said, you can pour out the beer and I will let you go. And right as those words left his mouth, I could hear my friend on the other side of the car go, well, fucking take us to jail then. So they took us all to jail. And this was like on a Friday night.

And because they were all, they all had Arkansas addresses, they all got out within like an hour. or two. Because I had an out-of-state license, I had to stay until Monday morning to go in front of a judge. And the first day was okay. I was in the drunk tank. And I, you know, just like, whatever year it was, 86. And these black dudes in the jail were calling me, they thought I looked like Tom Cruise. What'd you in for a top gun? They were calling me top gun. What'd you do top gun? You know, it's a drunk tank. It was kind of fun. They'd bring in some old guy. And he's like, oh, just the town drunk and he lies down.

He's drunk. He's sleeping it off. But on day two, they put me in, like, serious jail. And it was, like, nowhere to sit. There's, like, a picnic bench in the middle of the room. And the jail's overcrowded. There's, like, five guys sitting on, like, the top bunk. And, you know, I didn't go to the bathroom.

I was terrified. You know, there was, like, a toilet in the corner. And then actually, the... In front of the judge on the Monday, the cop came and told the judge that I was courteous and said, yes, sir, no, sir, and it was my friend. Tim, I hope he listens to this. It's funny because this is going to be a weird statement, and these eyes balls are going to open it. But some of the funniest times I've had have been in county jail.

Some of the most laughter that's ever come out of my mouth has been in county jail. And I'll tell you what's spectacular about that. You're sober in there, and you have nothing to laugh about. But the situational comedy is hysterical. And if you're having three quarters together, like I always did, yeah, I was a flunky and a thief and I was storing coke. But I had it together in other ways. Like I had a job at the time in my arrest.

I had a driver's license. I had a GED. You know, all these things. These guys didn't have that. I thought I was a loser. I had a GED, a driver's license, I sold cars. Like, they were like, you had a job for a year before you got in trouble. Like, just, they were, like, fascinated.

Like, I was, like, a fucking experiment. That was what was weird about it. Was it, like, nervous laughter? Like, you just were so angry and, like, upset about being in there? Or was that genuine laughter? You laugh. You laugh. You laugh.

You laugh. You laugh. You laugh. You laugh. You laugh. You laugh. Nothing is funnier than unhappiness. You know.

There's nothing. No, like, I'm thinking of a situation one time in Seattle. I got to rest on a Friday night. I get to the holding tank at 11 o'clock at night on a Friday. You're going to see some action. I don't want to see action at all. I'm sitting there. I'm trying to sleep over here.

I got a seat. Nobody's going to sleep. You either could sit down. There's nowhere to sleep. But that night, there was one Asian guy. He thought he was going to be cute. And he's laying on the metal with his feet. up and shit. Also, the doors

open, and the guy walks in, he's looking for a seat, and there's no seat. And he taps the Asian guy, and the guy won't open his eyes, and he taps him again, he won't open his eyes. So this guy just sits on his fucking head. He just sits on his fucking head.

I see the whole thing go down. This guy, this Asian guy pops up and goes into a karate stance, and the Spanish guy just sits, and he goes, what's he matter you? what's it matter of you? I tap you two times.

You don't move it, okay? I sit down. Fucker you. The Chinese guy said, okay, you made sense and they sat down. Like, that was brilliant. That was like a quick thing that another time I saw a guy walk in

when I was a young man, one of the scariest things I ever felt in my life, was I was at the tombs. Oh, New York City? I was in the tombs. Wow. And I was going to spend the weekend there from a sats

I was gonna spend two nights in there holy fuck really I'm 30 30 years old I just got into comedy and a friend of a friend and next thing you know three of us get put in the tombs

I walk in there I'm in there I'm chilling there's fucking 90 people and there's six chairs one of the guys I walk in with punch is a guy that's sitting down

takes the chair and sits on the chair. Wow. I don't have to tell you. That's not my world, dog. I would have stood all night just to be left the fuck alone. Do you remember? I don't want to cut you off. No, no.

I was the story there. Do you remember it was like one of the first things I ever did for Comedy Central? I did these series of little commercials. They played him in the commercial breaks. They're called interstitials. But remember when Dennis Lurie did those things on MTV where they filmed this joke like a rock star? Give me a year. Oh, I guess this would be like 92, 93, somewhere like that.

So, like, Dennis Leary had done these things on MTV where they filmed him telling his jokes and it looked like a rock video. So Comedy Central did that with me. And that was the first thing that kind of got me attention on Comedy Central that led to other stuff. So they filmed like six of my jokes like rock videos. And it was in a jail cell. And it was, the Comedy Central thing was,

Comedy Central, where hot new comedians do time. We filmed those at the tombs in New York City. There was one section that they had rented out. And we spent like three or four hours in there. They had the, you know, and they're like pumped smoke in. And it was like, I'm swinging on the jail door, and I'm behind the bars at one point. They did all these different angles of me telling these jokes. So we must have filmed in there for like three or four hours.

And they were, the spots were really cool looking. but even just filming television, I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. That was like one of the creepiest places. That was a creepy place. I just want to know what they did with the people who were in those cells before you rented them out. I don't know.

Like maybe they were, it was shower time. They just push and all the cells for three and one. Yeah, for a day. It's a, you know, I could sit now, I'm against a pinch. I could go on, like I could go home and write maybe two hours of stories from just comical shit. I saw in county jail across the country from a fucking...

County jail across the country. Like, I was probably, like, maybe... You never get to know a place until you've seen their county jail, right? Well, the best county jail stories I ever had was when I got sentenced, the state of Colorado was overcrowded. So the first thing they tell you when you get sentenced and sign the paperwork is you're signing your consent to trial. You can't stay here, so you have to wait for an open.

You either go to fucking somewhere in Nebraska or they would take you somewhere to South Texas. And I signed, fuck, no. You know, I'm not going nowhere. I want to stay in Colorado. If you did, they cut an extra third off of your time. I knew that there was a bill coming out to cut my time. So all I had to do was do my time. I didn't sign it.

And they said to me, listen, you're going to sit in fucking county for 90 days. But it didn't matter because there are two days for one in county. to give you two days for one. That's the beauty of it. So I spent three weeks in there. It was like a month or something like that. So by the time I got sent to county, I kept thinking I was going to one of those prisons.

You know what they sent me? Summit, Colorado, a ski resort. They were renting out cages. This was a fucking place. This is like you were one step from freedom. They went the safeway for you. At night, every night. They took an order.

You paid them. They went the safeway for you. booze, potato chip, sandwiches. You could stay up until two watching TV. Could you get me some capers? Fucking, fuck. No, nobody got capers done. But I was in there with a dude named Michael Bell.

He hung out with this other little skinny, creepy fucking white dude. They weren't racist and nothing. He was just always talking about his girlfriend. I got the fucking hottest bitch in the world. She lets me come on him and shit. I'm going to beat it with an appeal and I'm going to go back. You know what? I didn't see that motherfucker for years.

I went somewhere. He had committed like attempted murder. He settled for 10 years. His bitch was fucking harder than debt. Do you know that four years later, my fucking dealership in Boulder, Colorado, and the cops come into the dealership, and I like, listen, you guys got to evacuate here

by 6 o'clock. We're closing the streets. Some guy shot four kids up in the mountains of Colorado. It was Michael Bell. He broke out of jail and went to chase that hot piece of pussy. She was cheating on him. Wow.

That's what pussy does to a man. and he shot four kids with their own guns, dog. Then he tried to, he cut a deal with the cops, and they shot him in the neck. And when he went to the hospital, I had surgery, there was only two doctors that could operate on. One guy was out of the country, and the guy that could operate him, he shot one of his sons. That afternoon. That's a fucked up story. But I was locked up with that dude.

But that place was fun. That place is a lot of fun. It sounds like a laugh riot. Oh, I had a great time in there. Seattle jail sucked. County jail, Seattle, that sucked. By that time, jails were already, that's it, they were on their way out.

It was just a bad time. You can't smoke in there. The best county jail ever to party and fucking have a good time, Boulder County Jail. I had those motherfuckers in the palm of my hand, dog. Thanksgiving Day, I had the guy let the cell open, and I was making long-distance calls all day long to New Jersey, calling my friend.

Listen, you haven't heard from me in a few weeks, I'm locked up. Oh, my God. You said earlier you could have gone to, like, Texas or somewhere. Why would people do that? Why wouldn't people do the county jail? Because let's say I go to your lease I at. You got 15 fucking years.

You're a fucking animal. You know you're an animal. You killed that fucking kid after school out of a drive-by. You're a fucking animal, okay? 15 fucking years. You're going to do all 15. You're going to do all 15 fucking years. But if you do the time in South Texas, we're going to give you three for one days.

Oh, shit. Okay. So you got a chance to get out of here, you know, whatever the fucking math is. I'm not good with fucking math. Five years? Well, I did 15 fucking years. So you do five years, ten years instead of 15. But you go down there and it's a jungle sometimes.

It makes you wonder how I keep them going under. Broken glass everywhere. Anyway, that's the thing. Oh, they took you somewhere to Nebraska. I was told because of my rating that I was going to go to Rifle, Colorado, which was a party house at there. People were shooting heroin. They were eating pizzas. They were fucking, in the summer,

they'd get you a job at the pool. In the winter, you got a job at the ski resort on the lifts and shit. So it wasn't a bad little camp. You could get furloughs, and there was a hotel where you went to. What did you do at the pool? A little ski outfits with stripes on them.

Broken glass everywhere. White lines. The dun to doom, the dun, doom, to do. Do you ever do work release? No, that's what I wanted at first, but the halfway house was sort of like work release. I guess, yeah. That was a party for me, too.

That's a shame. When I write that chapter of the book, it's going to be called the real life. How far are you on your book? I'm three-quarters through the proposal, brother. I dedicated myself to one sentence a day, and I'm up to a paragraph a day, and cleaning up the paragraph in the day before.

Yes, I've been working on a book. I'm making strides. For the last five years, I finished the first draft, and I'm trying to get it together to make it presentable to get it published. It's very hard to write a book about your life when you're talking about weird shit. Yeah, well, it's all my best stories from all over the world, you know, traveling as a comedian, almost drowning in Thailand, getting maced in Paris, all this wacky when I had the late-night talk show on Amsterdam.

I wrote all about my sitcom experience, you know. of lived nine lives. I remember walking into the improv one night. Your show had just gotten canceled. I really never had spoken to you before, and I wasn't going to go up to you and say hello. You were sitting there. You had a look on your face like, I don't know what the fuck.

So I didn't say nothing to you. I just always heard you were a good guy. So when I met you in Seattle the first time, then we got acquaintedized again in Houston with the beautiful Mr. Mark Babb. That's right. One of the best times of comedy in my life was Houston, Texas and the fucking, but, uh, wow, 33 fucking years. If you think I would, honest to God, when I got on stage that first time, if I was ever going to tell you guys I'd be doing comedy for 25 years or for the rest of my life, I wouldn't have believed it.

I would have. I wouldn't believe it. I didn't believe it. I would be happy if I had a heart attack and died on stage. No, no, no, no. Don't say that got something. I mean, there's a couple comedians have done it. But, I mean, I don't ever want to quit.

I don't never see myself doing anything else. It's my oxygen, you know? I was born to do it. I love it. It's my oxygen also. You know what? It changed my life. It was like a religion for me.

I really bought into it. You know, I really watched the specials and I took notes. That's how I was suddenly when you went to the bathroom. I studied it. I studied and took notes. and I realized what I wanted to do, and I spoke to local comics, and I saw their careers have gotten,

and I could see that I spoke to somebody one day, and he broke it down for me. He goes, either you want to remove the safety net, and you want to keep having the safety net the rest of your life. And I'll never forget going, how am I going to tell my fucking wife? I want to do comedy. They almost hate me already.

They already hate me. The family's already going on that path, you know, and all of a sudden, one day I walk in, and she goes, listen, I don't want to be married, no more, I'll only get separated. Ding, ding. And it was amazing.

It was like, oh, my God. I'm unshackled. I'm going to be able to do fucking comedy. Oh, my God. I cannot believe this is happening. Oh, my fucking God. This is real. Like, I'm like, this is fucking real.

Like, that door just opened up, you know? Yeah. Even at it, even at its, the toughest times is when you're going through some hard shit in your life. You know, like, my dad was killed by a drunk driver. in 2009. My little sister died of breast cancer in 2011. It was a couple years after that. It was really difficult. But still looking back on it, I don't know what I would have done without comedy. The fact that I could go on stage, you know, I had so much material to fall back on from doing it for so long. But just to be able to take my brain and put it on a shelf and do comedy

and be cleansed in the laughter of strangers, you know, that. And forget, about my grief for a minute. It was invaluable. I don't know what normal people do when they have problems, people who don't have comedy, you know? And now it's great. I stopped partying, kick the sigs,

and it's like when I started when I was 17. The comedy is the drug again. You know, I was in an ugly divorce, and I went back to Colorado, and I thought that I could not get together with my wife, but figure out a settlement where I could see the child more. and try to be more responsible and stuff.

But at the same time, I wanted to do comedy, you know. And one day that didn't seem like it was going to work. And I remember for like a month during the holidays, every time I'd drop her off for two minutes, my hands would shake. I'd cry, and then I'd just smoke a joint. And then I'd go home, you know, defeat it. Like, how can I do comedy? And I'll never forget it was like the last week of December,

like two nights before New Year's. And it was a Wednesday, and I said, what? Why do I feel this way? Let me go do stand-up. And I went and I went to some cheesy bar and got on stage and I'm like, wow, I'm on to something. Not only did I feel better, but I had a great set because the anger that I had in me, the fucking pain. When you're going through serious emotion, and I was having some great sets with garbage material, just ranting and spitting from the mouth and foaming the whole fucking deal and today you know 20 years after I went to that situation I don't know how I did it I really used comedy and I did that from January till

June of that year every Wednesday it was the same routine I'd pull over cry watch them pull away I'd smoke a joint and I'd hit up to 36 to the 70 to go do comedy in Denver and the whole way crying and smoking and listen to good music and by the time i got on the i 7 i'd be okay and once on the way home i would go you know what i'm gonna fucking make it in comedy and show that you know that was the attitude back that i'm like at least i got my comedy i was delivering chinese food and selling coke at the same time you know oh my god it was tremendous i'd make like 60 bucks in like delivering chinese food and i clean up and make like a gram of fucking coke to go home and snort in my little rocky apartment

who was maybe a little bigger than this with a refrigerator, a stove, and I had a bedroom. And the whole bedroom was a bed. I had a king-sized bed. That's all that fit in that bedroom. There was no fucking pictures, no murals, nothing. It was just a bed. There was no door. You just walked into it and you fell right over

into the king-sized bed. I never changed the sheet the whole year I lived there. Oh, my God. It was just a sheet would come on it and God knows what toenail juice and crums and cocaine from your nose it was disgusting that was a clean apartment no i it was a very fucking clean apartment i went to the weed store tonight and they had the cutest little fucking kitten over there did you see it we i didn't go over there oh my god it was like a little fucking dimmy he was a little sioux and he's and he fucking

attack my hand i'm like you cock suck him you miss you went home he jumped over he wanted to go home let's do a big guy i'll come home where you kept looking at me and scratch oh he's like I don't know he's running around you yeah he's at the he belongs to the weed store his name is like Brutus he's fucking gorgeous what goes on with that dog do you know do they bring that dog home at night they don't feed that dog that's like one of those dogs you're seeing one of those humane society commercials that dog hasn't eaten in two years he probably stays there as a guard yeah he's a guard at night you break into that weed store you're gonna be

missing the fucking arm Jesus Christ they let him in there you might break the alarm system the electrical you got to shoot that motherfucker throw a steak and put him to sleep. Are you, they put him in there at night? No, they leave him outside. No, yeah, they put him in there night. You can't leave him outside. It doesn't get to the fucking law. Okay. I didn't, I don't know. Talk to this. I have never, I've never investigated the wheat store. I remember we had a German Shepherd when I was a kid, butch, and the dog had made the tactical error of thinking our family owned the neighborhood. And it would attack people

riding their bike in front of our house. And one time my brother was wrestling with this kid and the dog thought the kid was attacking my brother. So the dog, like, kind of ripped his ear off. And they took the dog away. And then the dog was guarded a roller skating rink, like outside, like the outer fence perimeter. My dad took us to see the dog a couple times. So always think about that. Like, a lot of dogs that are out of their minds end up garden places.

Well, I see a dog guarding a place. I don't communicate. I don't do nothing. That dog's a professional. He's been around the world. He's been beaten. He's been lit on fire. His whole fucking demographic has changed.

You know what I'm saying? Take a human, beat him, rape him, fuck him in the ass. Make him drink cum, mix with blood and shit. You try to break those people. You'll never break them. By the time they're 19, they're shooting people like fucking taxi driver. That's what happens to those people. That dog doesn't even have hair.

They lit him on fire in Russia. They brought him from Russia. That's one of Trump's buddies dogs. They have. Look at him. Take him to go that weed store. On the way out of here, go straight down the corner, and just make the first right, hit Burbank Boulevard.

See if he's out there. He's a fucking monster. How big is he, Lee? He's, like, probably at least 100 pound dog, 70 to 100 pound dog. I think he's a little bigger. He thinks so? He's a big fucking creature. He's a big fucking creature at that.

You park and he barks at you. But you don't want you going in there. He has been a man. He has been a man. Oh, my God. I hate those fucking dogs. I got bit by those motherfuckers. I got bit in the face, man.

Tom Rhodes, man, uh, keep doing your podcast. That was a good time I had on your podcast. Thanks, man. We should, uh, we should do it again. Don't take a break. I took a break.

I need to get it rolling again. Yeah, don't give up with that stuff because people always want to hear from you, whether it's good or bad. Yeah. This is something that's, uh... Well, you know what it was, you know, excuse me, my thing, when I was traveling around the world, I wasn't living anywhere for 10 years.

So my podcast was, you know, interviewing people I met around the world and comedian, you know, friends of mine around the world and stuff. And so living in L.A. after a year, it's like I kind of, you know, I'd hang out with people. I met some really cool people. And, you know, it's like, I don't know, didn't want to, instead of saying, hey, would you do my podcast? I'd rather just like hang out with people and be cool, you know. But I need to get over that and just do it. And you're still sober.

Yeah. Looking great. Three years off the booze. Two years off the cigarettes. and then I stopped smoking weed at the beginning of the year. No, no, no, nothing, nothing, absolutely. No, gorilla biscuits, no ups, no down, no adderall. No.

You're fucking all-vegan. Totally clean now. Good for you. God bless you. Yeah, man. You know, I'm trying to get some shit done. I'm going to film my new hour special sometime this year. I'm trying to finish this book.

I got a producer interested in this television show idea. I'm going to start pitching that a couple weeks. The worst I can tell you is, no, you've been, you still got your stand up. Think about it. We always got to stand up. I think I've never been better as a comedian. You don't want to see me light my balls on fire on prime time on ABC. I still got my career doing sland-up on the road.

I'm having a great time. Yeah. I keep it fresh. I don't go out every fucking week. You know, I'm 50-something. I got eight hats. You got eight hats. I thought about you.

You told me you always take the first flight out? No terrorism. I love that. Sure. Early morning. 6 a.m. Bingo, bango, everybody's home early before Disneyland. So I've been doing that.

It's a great. It's a different experience. It's great. You're landing back in L.A. at like, you know, 8 in the morning, 9 in the morning. When you were drinking, you thought that, oh, my God, I'll take the 4 o'clock flight out because you're drinking. Always. That's what I thought.

I did that for years also. I'm not going to lie to you. I took the latest flight out. Get a late checkout, sleep till 2, have somebody pick you up, take you to eat somewhere, talk some shit, smoke a joint, and they drop you off at the airport. That's how Ozzy. in the old school. But things changed. You know what I'm saying?

Things are fucking changed. It's a... Flying is changed. It's a fucking nightmare. What are we talking about? Flying's great now for me because I just hit diamond level on Delta. So I get bumped up to first class all the time.

And I can use the first class lounge. But it's funny, for years, I would like, you know, you're bored in the plane and you're walking through first class. And I remember thinking to myself, who are these fucking rich cock suckers and why are they there? And you'll realize you don't have to be rich. Stick with the same airline.

That's it. Learn the flights that are empty like I do. That's what I did. Always get upgraded. I always get up greater. I always get a great on America. Delta's not bad to me. They've taken care of me.

Delta works at you on miles. You call them up and say I'm a little light. They'll say throw me the small 400 or whatever. Yeah. And we'll put you on that flight a.m. They're cool, Delta. Yeah, you can buy miles at the end of the year to reach your next level. Yeah, yeah.

But also the employees are usually in a good mood. A lot of these other airlines, years ago, I would just, you know, get the cheapest flights. And some of these airlines, they treat you like an Lenthalters. Like the Atlanta Falcons, they fall apart from time. They fall apart. You get locked down for two fucking days because their computer system goes down. Oh, I flew. And you don't have a fucking backup system.

So as a professional, I get to the airport. You have to have a backup system. So that shied me off of Delta for a few weeks, but they just got me here 35 minutes early. I was flying that very. day last year when their computer system went down. The computer system went down and you're done. They gave me 50,000 miles as a gesture. Yes, they do.

They do. They do take care of you. To apologize for the inconvenience. Yes, they do. That I will claim for Delta. If you don't have your luggage in 20 minutes, they give you 10,000 miles. If there's a problem with the flight, the next morning you wake up and there's a fucking email from Delta going, listen, thank you for accepting it and not pulling your hands out of your head and telling my staff to go fuck themselves.

Yeah. Look at your account. We threw 10,000 miles on it. That's a flight to fucking the neighborhood. That's the flight that they just fly you around the neighborhood, and they just drop you off with no fucking parachute for 10,000 miles. But those things add up. I got enough frequent fire miles on Delta to have a helicopter on the roof within the hour.

You in town Sunday, then? I am, yeah. Did you call him for spots at the store? Actually, I'm going to go see Brian Regan on Sunday. Damn. Where is he? Sherman Oaks. Damn.

But Friday and Saturday, I'll be at the Comedy Store. You can be there Friday, Saturday? It's going to be there Sunday for my 20th anniversary. Oh, shit. It's Washington's birthday, Monday, nobody got to work. I'll come by afterwards. Yeah, his show will be early. It'll be like 8 o'clock.

I'll come by afterwards. He's going to give me a spot of 10.30 because we've got a babysitter. Oh, great. Yeah, I'll probably be back by then. Beautiful, man. And you're traveling a lot, man. And I say this shit constantly that he's been doing stand-up for 33 years. This guy's made his living going.

around the world there's a problem going on in America that if a comic doesn't have a podcast or doesn't as an on comedy central constantly people won't go and see him david tell there's another gentleman that has this problem this guy's a fucking animal this guy taught half the comics that are out there i still remember watching you on that fucking kamikaze shit on on mtv with the long hair Yeah. I still remember going to see you in Seattle with the chick from Boston. You did not the improv, but the other one when they made it big one night. On a Friday night, me and Josh Wolf went up there.

This is 1995 because you're not in no fucking just Johnny come lately. You had a show on TV. So if he's in your area, go down on a fucking Thursday night. Go hang out with Tom. Come hang out with me. Can I put some dates? Yeah. What the fuck you think I bring you on here for?

I love you, man. February 23rd to the 25th, I'm going to be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix. Nice club, very nice. 600 seats, good fucking food at the, what's the name of the bar next to it? I don't know. It's my first time playing there. Copper kettle. The copper fucking kettle.

I'm plugging you there. Yeah, it's a big room. I've never played there before. Great room. Great room. We had a good time. March 23rd to 26th. I'm at side splitters in Tampa.

There we go. We're talking about sidesploid. I'm like a fucking psychic. Great room. And April 6th through the 9th, I'm going to be at Laughing skull in Atlanta. Look at you. Come on in Atlanta.

That's a nice room. You belong in there. It's a great room. Like I said, Sunday, I'm at the store. Tomorrow night, the Valentine's Day is done. But next week, I'm at the House of Comedy in Minneapolis. I'm very happy to be going up there in the winter. I don't give a fuck.

People have been sending me evil fucking messages and tweets. You're an asshole. To go to Minneapolis in February. That's when the real pimps go with that. That's right. I need pussy to go to Minneapolis in August. Go sling dick up there in mid-February and let these motherfuckers know who's running

things. That's... Like Prince said the bad weather keeps the mean people away. It's fucking right. At least I have. What do you got going on, my little brother? Oh, hey, and I could use a few extra Twitter followers if anyone's feeling generous. People, this is a friend to... Help a brother out. This is a comic of 20 years that I learned a lot of it. I opened for him in Houston, Texas.

Great weekend. You learn from what? You don't steal from comedy or comics, but you pick up a certain something from each comic you work with on the road. You go, wow, that's pretty neat that he pauses like that. Maybe I should try for my joke.

You know, you see these guys that are still around, support them when they come to you. Who gives a fuck if they haven't been on America's got talent, or they don't play the fucking harmonic on YouTube? This is real fucking comedy. This is real fucking comedy. It's one of these okey-doke motherfuckers that have been doing comedy for

four years. He has a cute smile. You're paying $48 and the guy makes you giggle two times and you take a picture of him. When he comes back, you're like, I'm about paying the 40. If you pay fucking $12, $15 for Tom Rhodes, you're robbing fucking comedy. You're robbing comedy. So check out Tom Rhodes.

He's a dear friend. He's fucking family with the church. You know, he's trying to put fucking things together. He's still ticking. I love you, man. I wish I'm still doing comedy. I'll tweet you some of my knowledge nuggets, some of the best ones. Well, they can't wait.

They're at home right now jumping up and down. Tom Rhodes is going to send his nuggets and shit. Because listen, man, Tom Rhodes is big over there on the fucking, And that's what you got to do. You've got to go back over to Europe, make a big fucking splash, and come back here like the stones after fucking... Being in France to make the exile on the main street. That's you.

You go to France for a couple of years, hit it at the stage, maybe a terrorist to shoot. You'll jump off the stage and get him in the headlock. It's weird with Joey. Sometimes he gives you advice, and it sounds like he's trying to get you to move out of the country or, like, move away. Oh, he's an international star. Where the fuck have you been?

No, it's funny. What the fuck have you been? No, that's not the national. He had a show. We're talking about working on our books, you know? And I kept a diary when I lived in Amsterdam. And unlike Anne Frank's diary, there's a lot more drugs and dancing and shit going on. He's like Matt Dillon in that movie from Seattle with The Rugman.

No, I know. Oh, my God. What was it called? Singles. Singles. He used to always say, we're huge in Belgium. I'm huge in Belgium. Have you recorded in Belgium?

Not you. I'm just teasing it, though. I played Antwerp a bunch of things. What do you got this weekend, Lisa? Drop it out of me. Break my heart. Where you take a mom? No, I have my first zeal massage.

So we're going to do that. Right. What else? You got crack a lot of. I love your eyes, man. Look at them. Look at them. Look at them.

Picture. It's a perfect representation. And then I don't know yet. We're going to have to figure that out. We're going to do Valentine's Day on Saturday. Just because it's good. So we're going to do tomorrow. You're going to give her a little kiss and maybe.

Yeah, I'm going to get flowers. I'm going to maybe we'll make food dinner at home or something. But it's crazy going. tomorrow night. Also, you gotta get good stuff for your moms. Call at least call your mom tomorrow. That's a really good reminder. Look at Lisa.

It's a big thing. Dropping knowledge on the trip. That's a knowledge nugget, Lee. Bad motherfucker. See, you didn't think of that one. How am I going to trust you? If he doesn't give him a little nugget for a lot of times. Minor about Hitler and Shakespeare and all kinds of shit.

You can't tell these talk. You can't set up a revolution. Trump's already doing that shit. Imagine the, the punk rock and the radical art that's going to be coming out in the next four years. I'm really excited about what's happening. Me too. A lot of pissed off people. It's got to turn into art and comedy, right?

It's got to turn into something. Something's going deep. But listen, while shit's going deep, you've got fucking options. And your options are CISO, okay? That's a beauty of it. CISO has really changed my fucking life and made me look different at streaming and live comedy and whatnot, the TV shows. I mean, I love that they have my special on there, Laurie Kill Martin, Doug Stanhope.

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while CISO's countless hours of streaming, stand-up, television, original content is sure to offer something for you. What are your favorite shows on their league? I like pergillion dollar properties. That one's very good. I like watching SNL. I turned you on to that one, I told you.

I like watch Parks and Rec. So I like all those shows. They have CISO is great. Did I see on the paper? It said they show the late night shows the next day. Yes, that's true? The late night shows the next day. This is great.

They're really going for... I'm proud to be a part of them. So here goes. Just go to ceo.com right now and sign up for one month free with promo code Joey at checkout. Ready for this?

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you made me very proud of you tonight because you actually used the service we fucking love we love it Lee loves it I love it I've been using them to the airport but let me explain to come to you they picked me up in my house they were very courteous they didn't give me no drama he charged me some I didn't even live

Look at what he charged me. I gave him a fucking 20 or 30. Taking out my luggage, he was a gentleman. And I had a great time about it. Lee always takes lift. I take Lyft everywhere. I'm taking it home tonight. Can I say something great about Lyft in the middle of this lift in the commercial?

Good. Good. Good. I take lift to the airport from where I live in L.A. It averages about like 25 bucks. Ten years ago, I lived in Korea Town, and I used to have to take a taxi, and it would cost, like, 60 or 70 bucks. Ten years later, it's cheaper, and the people are courteous. They're nice people.

The cars are clean. Cars are clean. Cars are clean. Water. No, no, no. Fyft is the greatest thing ever to happen to humanity. Ever. So if you're in between jobs and looking to earn extra dough,

if you're looking to put money in your kids' college fund, you're looking to go back to school and getting another degree or just your first one, whether you want to write your next great novel, whatever you want to do. Finance your dream. Drive with Lyft. It's the writing share app that lets you be your own boss, pick your own hours, and earn up to $1,500 a week driving your own car.

Who's better to? than you. There's other ride sharing apps out there, but Lyft treats their drivers right. It's a flexible way to make easy money. Lift drivers can make up to $35 an hour. Getting started is just a tap away. You can drive mornings, nights, weekends, just flip into driver mode, ping, pang, boom, start making Guitars. Plus, Lyft drivers can earn tips right through the app. Those tips, they add up fast. And you don't have to wait days to get paid and fill out... No, no. No, Listen, you can cash out instantly once you made $50, thanks to express pay. All right.

Driving with Lyft is super flexible, allows you to keep 100% of your tips, and it's always there when you need some extra change. Let me do your favor. Sign up today, right now at Lyft.com. Why are you sitting there broke? You get a new car. You need to make payments. Come on.

Go out there and justify your existence. Go today to Lyft.com slash Joey, J-O-E-Y. And right now, Lyft is a special offer for you beautiful people trying to put it together. You'll get a $500 new driver bonus after you complete 100 rides within 30 days. Go to live.com slash Joey today

and you can start making extra Guitas and get your $500 new driver bonus. All right? Limited time only. Restrictions apply. Go to lift.com slash Joey. I want to thank Lyft. I want to thank CISO

and I want to thank my main man. Fucking always great to see you. You're one of the legends of comedy and I wish you Nothing but the best. Lee likes you. He even said, I'm happy. It's Tom Rhodes.

So thank you very much. I love you, Joey. It's always great to talk to you, man. Lee, thanks for the love, buddy. Oh, I love you, Tom. I was a thing on it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Never forget. My main motherfucker is shroom tech sport. You're a fat fuck like me. I use a cap, so I go to Jiu-Jitsu. Not like I'm killing motherfuckers, but I always last an extra minute every fucking time I go to Jiu-Jitsu. Go to honor.com right now. I can't hook you up with the weights,

but the size. supplements, I'll get you 10% off. Go to honor.com and press in. Church. Boom. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get the 10% off, delivered right to La Casa fucking folly, all right?

Anything else you want to add, my brother? No, that's it, man. I love you, my brother. I love you, too. Lysayat, stay black. Long man. A fucking great week. I'll be with you my other fuckers in a couple days.

Love you. This is from my man, Danny Brown and shit. Dropping some knowledge. Play that fucking goat league. Thank you.