The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #460 - Tait Fletcher

Episode Date: March 2, 2017

Tait Fletcher, an Actor and BJJ black belt seen in: "The Accountant," "Breaking Bad," and 'John Wick,'" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.    This podcast is brought to you by:   Zeel - Get the best massage of your life, in your home. Get $25 off of your first massage when you go to Zeel.com/church or use promo code church on the zeel app.    Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 03/01/2017.

I'm about to go through changes, but I'm doing all right. Is it because you ate something? I don't know. We'll find, am I eating, eating smoking. He ate two chocolates and we got some liquid acid on sugar cubes. He might have to eat later. That's awesome. Look at this shit.

We got this fucking liquid acid. We got the box of sugar cubes. I never fucking, since I was a kid, who did something where it was like transdermal. Yeah. And you put it on your skin. That's the same. All this shit is like fucking.

These young kids. This shit's fucking crazy. They brought it to a show. This guy comes to my shows every 90 days. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. He brings me chocolate-covered mushrooms with THC chocolate.

He grinds down the mushrooms. I don't know where I... Like, I can't talk about this online. The fuck, Joey. Lee, get him in control. This guy grinds up the mushrooms. Gets the chocolate, puts a THC in it. And it's like a chocolate mushroom.

No, no, no, no, these young college kids now, they're about to change the fucking world. Did you have a sugar cubilee? Not tonight. I've had about what four sugar cubes? Yeah, we got a couple. You know what I always thought was a bummer about acid was that you, like, if I'm planning a weekend, say, and I go, well, Friday night's coming, I'd like to get high on acid.

But then also Saturday is right behind it, and I want to get high on acid, you got to take a half a hit, like a blotter acid and then you got to take a hit or a hit and a half just to get off on it and it's never as good you feel dopey with it right I got blotter too Joey's never taking half a

stud this fucking thing we got everything we can even put a drop on the blotter that's where we don't double up that's what you do any of the microdosing like Duncan I can't find it like he says he says like if you got that and say it's 100 cc's

100 milligrams Right, right? He says, so then you cut it in force, you take a quarter hit every day or something like that. And so like that's how you, you want to know how much your acid is dose. But like, and then you get, I don't know. Everybody's talking about all that kind of shit.

No, no, no, I think it's a little bit less than a quarter. I think it's like supposed to be like almost nothing. It depends on your shit, but like 12 and a half milligrams to 20, no more than 25 milligrams. Tate, we had like what, 500 to the night, something like that? We don't have five milligrams. We do. We go deep tape.

We went like... No, no, no, I mean of acid. Oh, of acid, yes, he sees and shit. He tells me when he gives him to me. Lee's already lost. Oh, yeah, he's going through chains. Oh, he's in, no, who knows? Anyways, this show is brought to you by...

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Awesome. Here we go, cuckuckers. Crank that little Puerto Rican. Where's Trump? Oh, shit. Wednesday, March 1st. Here we go, cock-suckers. Get those fucking cockroach killers on.

The Puerto Ricans are coming. Oh shit. Churchill, what's happening now? My man Tate Fletcher. My little Jewish Gumbar Lee Syatt. And your Uncle Joey, bitches. Little old-school Puerto Rican music from the Harlem's for you. Here we go.

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here on a ho-hum Wednesday night. Thursday morning welcoming you to Podcastville, my main man, Tate and little Lee over there fucking going through changes already and shit. The show hasn't even kicked in yet. Those La Luna's getting me. Yeah, I can tell the little bit of it's getting you because you don't need them at that. You know what this motherfucker does? God, I'm sorry God.

He does a periscope on the weekend. Tate, hold me back right now. I go, Lee, don't fuck around. Train on the weekends. Eat these edibles on the weekends and you come on the show and we go deep, you don't get fucked up. So he goes online and I can see him that he's eating the chocolates, but he's not making faces. When he eats chocolate, he don't like chocolate. So if he eats chocolate, he'll make a face and the THC, you know, when he's at home, he eats the chocolate.

I watch him on Periscope and he's joking around him. I'm like, something ain't right. No, I know you. So I was looking at him the other day, and what he does is he gets a Hershey bar and he cuts it down the middle and he opens a bag. It's reclisclosable. I'm going to see you for slander. And he puts it in there and then he eats it in front of these young kids and they're like, oh, well, he's going deep. But he ain't going deep.

He eats three stars and gives his girlfriend three stars. How dare you? And then that's the end of the fucking night. He tells everybody's eating 12, 1,500. He ain't doing that. He's eating 300 and two Hershey bars. First of all, I'm going to have to start doing it at the dispensary to clear my name. I go in there.

I haven't not once pulled a fast one. That's your level. That's what you were saying earlier with the labels. I'm not saying. I started it. I'm not mad at you for doing it. I'm just saying that. I would never do that to these people.

sick before you i heard we wait the first piece of chocolate you're gagging it's kind of like saying you're a navy seal if you're not a navy seal what do you mean saying that you're eating that much but you're not really that's yeah he's like he comes out of mondays he comes here on mondays i give him chocolate and he breaks apart he's sweating he's turning red so he's doing something funny at home with the chocolate it might not be hershys what's going on at the chocolate at home nothing's going with at here if you guys watch the periscopes joey if i get like that's 26 seconds to eat the edibles because I don't know if Joey chews them. He just

is able to swallow them whole. I can't do that. I have to chew. If you watch on the periscope, I don't let it touch my tongue because I hate the taste. So I chew it and I keep it, and I do it real slow. It takes about two minutes and I do it fine. But here, that's why I puke that one time because you were just like, swallow it. And I tried to swallow an entire chocolate bar like

all chewed up in my mouth and I puked. All right, we've got to watch it from now, the pariscope. How dare you? I'm going to show the brand. I always show the brand. I'm sure if you We look at the old ones who want to see her, she kisses. It's like when you cheek one of your pills when you're in the psych ward. I have no experience with that. I'm sure I would.

Jesus Christ, he used to take labels and switch them on me. And then not even that. I believe you. I'm the cheap of shoes. Not even just the labels. I'm sure I asked him every time. I'm sure you just made it up. At a certain point, he just stopped telling me.

He'd be like, don't, don't worry. about that he would just start lying eventually he wouldn't even lie at the end he would just say they used to give they used to have two types of stuff they used to have these one and i can't remember now because it's been like a year one time i had ri coming out and even r e intelligent israel the whole thing he's intelligent israel yeah the whole thing you know i'm gonna be watching you i don't trust you so i went over to the store and what i did was they had regular chocolate regular stars for like 25 milligrams, but they had rock candy that was the same company, but only 25 milligrams. So I took the rock candy out of the rock candy bag and put the stars in there.

So even after the hour he came to me and said, let me look at it and he read it. And I'm like, he's going to catch that it's hard rock candy. He didn't catch it. He goes, okay, I'll eat one. He got so fixated on the milligrams. That's all he saw. That's all he saw. So then I took him deep, him.

That's why you're a wizard. You're like a warlock. I used to give him 180 milligram chiba shoes, but I'd take the label and put 70 on it and just give him half. So he thought he was eating 35, but he was really eating 90. Why fuck with that? You know what I'm saying? I know Lee, if he says I keep eating,

he's going to get nervous on the milligram. Because he's got his head tripping himself. People get into that. So you use your warlock skills to do like, you do like situational blindness on people. Sure. So you can help him. Sure.

Yeah. You're welcome. I appreciate it. Now I can do $1,500. I have never once stolen valor, like that, like that, those terrible people. Stolen valet, stolen weed valor. That's what it's called. Have you ever had that at your jitza school?

What's that? Like someone coming in pretending to be a black belt? No, it's 100% solvable in about 30 seconds. Right, I've seen videos of it. It's great. You just know, I mean, it's like, there's no lies on the mat. It's what it is. Why would somebody come in and do something like that?

It's weird. People have misguided. They don't know anything. There's a guy I was training with this morning, and he was, he was uh, uh, uh, just drop, drop in, wanted to be around certain guys or that, whatever. And he, I was like, oh, this is how, oh, and I, I, I'm wearing a ghee. Like, I hadn't had a guy on in, you know, a long time. And, uh, so I just got a guy on in my, my Hawaiian board shorts. And, um, no belt. And he said, whatever. And, and I said, oh, sure, I'll drill with you. And

I was like, well, this, I want you to tuck your knee up in here. No, no, yeah, I got it. And he's one of those. I got it, guys. And you can tell when you feel with somebody that you go, oh, they don't have any experience, you know, which isn't a bad thing. It's just what it is. But the bad thing is when I'm so fucked up that I got to pretend like I have some experience. You know, you can pretend you're a kickboxer. Maybe you're great on mitts or whatever, but you don't know what it's like to be in a scrap.

And that's cool too, whatever, whatever. But like, you can't hide from jihitsu. You know what I mean? It's like, because you're going to get strangled. Or people will know. And I don't know what, I don't know in this day and age what it is that makes people. people go yeah I'm gonna pretend some shit there's some guys at eddies there's a dude that pretended he was a yes purple belt or something before he was or something like that

right and he never even got in a blue or something like that but you know the kid had an aptitude he was good he'd stuck with it but he just wanted to be better than he was which i always thought was a little silly about like why you're chasing a belt what why aren't you just here in the art of it like who give a fuck what belt that is like i don't i don't care at all like i don't i don't know it's a trip you know to have that as the goal as opposed to i want to be healthy i want to be able to defend myself i want to be able to move around i want to be able to be with my pals every day and to need a like that kind of reinforcement like i need to have be in the rankings is it kind of feels like uh you're fucking six yeah it feels like you're a little kid you're trying to train at that

uh stunt yeah yeah down at 87 however is this uh down in inglewood and he who has they have like a lot now they shoot movies there and stuff right well shoot like Previs is and What is it the John Wick people? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know he works. Yeah, they do the, uh, they've done all the really big action movies. Like, they do a lot of, a lot of the, uh, action choreography for that.

Shoot previsors, all the gun work and stuff for John Wick, Deadpool, like, all that type shit. I heard John Wick was just, and the second one, too, was just amazing. I heard it, like, phenomenal. I heard Keanu's great. Like, because I've seen some of the trailers. You know the difference, Lee, is that you see a guy like, who's the guy that's a 106 years old.

It was fighting wolves and then his daughter got kidnapped. Liam needs to take it. Yeah. And so you see a simple jump over the fence, Lee, Liam. And it's like his feet, his head, his waist, the fence. And it's a hundred different little video montages to make it appear as if a 75-year-old man is actually getting over a 12-foot fence. It's not happening. But with Keanu, Keanu moves like that.

Like, he's an athlete. And that's a lot of the reason why that looks so good in there. I mean, they're the best choreographers, too. They're fantastic, man. And they got great stuntmen that are in all those, like just legends and beautiful performers. Top to bottom, like those guys, like, but that's the difference, I think, is, like, you got a guy that can actually do the bit. You know, you get a Chris Semsworth or a Keanu Reeves or something like that. Tom Cruise, he does all his own shit.

It looks great. Shit looks great. What's that movie you did with Jamie Fox? Oh, the driving one, the taxi one? He was very good. Dude, he was like, there's times I watched those movies. And I go, don't know what I say what you want to say about Tom Cruise. He's great.

I just watched Jack Breacher on the flight. And it was an Academy Award winner, but I love it. Entertaining. I love him to death, so I watch him. What was it like the sci-fi one where he kept having the same day over and over again? Vanilla Sky? No, no, no. That was a good movie.

It wasn't that one. What about the one where they looked into his mind? about the cops. Oh yeah. Minority report. Yeah, that was great. That's where we're almost living. A couple more weeks.

We'll be right there. I wouldn't doubt it. Have you ever thought about, like, do you want to expand in acting? Because you've done all these roles with such amazing actors. I can imagine like you,

you must have learned so much from all the, like all the movies now. I don't know. Like 30 or 40 or something. I was going to say, no, I just want to stay there.

I was going to give an Eddie Bravo answer. No, like he loves to live troll. Who loves to live troll more than Eddie? But yeah, of course, man, of course.

Have you, like, how much? I take classes and I do all that, and I work out for a lot of things. I'm in a thing, me and Danny Trajo got a little piece this weekend coming up. And then Ross and Thurber Marshall's,

a dude that did a movie. We, we were the Miller's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that, right? And he'd met me on that before, and then that was a long time ago.

And so I got a little thing on his next piece coming up here. And so I think it's just a lot of word of mouth. It takes time for that. And also I came in as a stuntman, but I look like this. And so I'm not like a nondescript guy. So it's hard for guys to place me in places. So then I had to get good at acting because then you're going to be in roles

and you're going to have facial expressions. And all the, you know, all that takes training. And so I kind of took to that training, like I took to it with jiu-jitsu or with fights also, you know. And I think that it's maybe it's the thing that happens, Lee. I hope so. You know, I'd love to be, like, somebody's asking, well, what are your goals with it? And I'm like, well, I'd like to be on a billboard. I'd like to be on the poster and have my name be one of the four names that's there, you know.

And like, I'd like to do all that. Like, that's where I really wanted to go. And there's nowhere that I have more fun is a lot like fighting when somebody yells action, I think. And that's the other reason, like, you know, I want to spread into it so much that I'm going to do it to however I have to, which also is like I want to go into stand-up because that's the way you can kind of force the hand. And I think you get to dictate the role and you get to perform whenever you want in a way. And I think it's terrifying. I think it's as scary as going into being a fighter in the octagon or anything else to get on stage. I see guys that do stand up and I see guys that are open micers and it fascinates me with the kind of amount of courage that it takes to really bury yourself.

And I think you have to do it with a huge risk. You have to be super real because if you're not super real, those are guys being around the comedy store for all this time. I look at guys that have done the same stick forever and they've never really risked. And they're in the same place they were 10, 15 years ago. And then you see guys at risk and you go, fuck man. And those guys are all making a million dollars just telling jokes, you know. And so I don't know. I really like those aspects of it.

And I'm going to try to do that. But if you can help me, I would like that. I wish I could, if I could help you, I probably wouldn't be here. But it was like, you're great in all the movies that you're in. But do you think it would be different? Do you think it would be different? Do you think it'd be harder if, like, you had just maybe got, not a starring role, but like, a bigger role in a, in a movie and you had no experience? I think it would be worse.

Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, no. Yeah, that's, you know, it's like that thing that they say, you know, God gives you only what you can handle or something like that. Like, there's all these sayings that are kind of like that. And I think it's, I think it's like that. You think, you know, Eddie taught me a lot about, like, being on a vibe with the universe in a way.

And like, and I think about that a lot. And I meditate on that kind of stuff. And I, you know, I try to elevate, you know, people, somebody said, well, what's your mission statement? You do all this different shit. date you got you know you're getting money six different ways or whatever and uh and I said well I want to elevate myself to be the best representation of Tate Fletcher that I can be so I can be the most useful to the people like my family friends and community around me wherever I am and especially now more than ever with so much darkness in the external world that I want the parts that I can make

better I want to be able to do that and and uh so anyway that's kind of yeah I don't know I think and I think also don't stand up you know you watch it save people's lives a lot of people and Have you done it yet? No, motherfucker. I'm sorry. Nervous as shit about it. Really? Yeah.

Bobby Lee says, I'll have you up the improv for five minutes and get ready in a month or whatever. And I was like, fuck. I was hanging out with you guys for a long time, and you talk about Jiu-Jitsu. It used to drive me crazy. Those road trips with six people in a van, I wanted to shoot myself. And I liked you with all my heart, and I liked when Duncan was there. But Red Band at that time was still under the impression. You know, the one that I gave him blown, he ratted me out.

I mean, it was just a world that I had never been involved in. But you guys kept talking about Jiu-J-Zitsu. And I would go to At ease and watch, and I would go, I'm not doing that. You know, I'm not doing that. And then I started watching it, and I became a fan of watching just regular Jiu-Jitsu online. Marcello Garcia, Lucas Lachis. Like, I would just watch this shit. Not when I was coked out when I was smoking weed after that years later.

And it took me two years to actually walk into a jiu-jitsu school. It took me two years to break down how I was going to do this without nobody finding out if I fail. Okay, that was the plan. How I could do jiu-jitsu without it getting back to Eddie or any of my friends that I even went in there. Just in case I don't like it. You know what I'm saying? It's weird how that's like a thing. What a fucking shame.

was for me to go down there and I probably went down there for three months before I ever sent anything to anybody yeah and then I told Eddie and he was you know he was kind of weird he goes what do you mean I go I've been going over that ski and I talked to Matt Sera and he goes the first 90 days you want to be in the Ghee I was completely lost you know when I got out of the prison in Colorado I could lie to you and tell you no I had my mind was on how was going to do the next line. You know what I'm saying?

Sure. But 3% in that. I was curious about stand-up. I was curious about going back to school and finishing up my nine credits and getting a degree. I had a job already. But something that was lurking inside of me. So I got released in February of 89, okay?

February of 89. Anybody got a pen? Here. February of 89. And this is why I do this. So just to show tape. I got out of jail on February of 89. In January of 90, I thought about it, and I scratched it off.

Like, ah. And then in January of 91, it was snowing, so I had to stay home. And the movie punchline came on with Tom Hanks and Sally Fields. Yeah, yeah, yeah. and that sent me into a tissy, and I actually called the Comedy Works, and they said, come on down on the Tuesday, and that took another month or two.

What did you say? Like, I want to be a comic house. I like to know if you have an open mic, and they said, yeah, we have one every Tuesday night. Just call the Tuesday before, and we'll put you on the list for the following week. That's a heard phone call to me. And you get three minutes, okay.

But from that phone call of January of 91, do you think I actually went down there? No. No, why would I? Yeah. Why would I? But then one day I went to get breakfast. And in April of 91, I saw an ad, a whole section.

Roseanne had just busted out of Denver. She had just broken up. Denver comedy was booming. Nobody knew where to go. It was only four clubs in the whole state. And they did an article, like in the Rocky Mountain News, in the middle. Like, I went to walk into a diner and did this. just to see the sports section.

And it landed right in the middle. And it was, do you want to be a stand-up comic? And it had how to become and it had a course for $31 at the University of Colorado. And it started like a week later. Did you go? Fuck yeah. For $33, fuck, yeah. I won't.

Fuck. Joey, what did they show you? Just three weeks. Three weeks of. And they say, right, here's pick an idea that pops in your head, get things around it. That's funny to you. But my point being that after the,

that the guy said because the final class you had to do three minutes on stage right and as I was walking out the guy goes come in for a second he goes you should try this you should really maybe try it you had something up there and you're like 30 years old 35 years old 31 32 yeah I'm an estimated for a roof and company really unhappy marriage that's we meet rick kerns uh about a month later that really unhappy marriage really undecisive snorting here and there, hidden. By this time, it's better to want them to have. My mother had died, and I always craved an American family, and I finally meet a white chick, and they have a family, and I like going up there, and they sat like white people and had dinners, and they prayed,

and it was shocking to me, you know, this education night, he was a retired colonel, lieutenant colonel from the Air Force, and I don't know, I just, it was better to want them to have at that point. And I acted like an asshole. We just broke up one day. But finally, June, it's either 18th or 21st, is when I went on stage. So it basically took me two and everything. The memory fucking blows me away. So it took me June, either 18th or 21st time on 1991.

Oh, yeah. We could do this shit forever. So, you know, I want to explain that to you. That fear is a motherfucker. Yeah. And then if we go back to Monday's podcast, it's not. not really fear, it's called resistance. Right.

It's called resistance. For years, I was trying to write a book. I'd pop up to the book, LitLift. But I also have Twitter, Facebook, you know, and then I'll send you on Twitter and somebody sends your picture their pussy and you need to jerk off first before you're right. Then you need to smoke.

Then you need to get some nicotine. You know what? Let me call Tate now and see what he's doing next month for lunch. It's resistance. It's the same thing. But with your case, this is a realm that you. you've been around for over 10 years. So I think it should just be comfortable to you.

I think that you should go to a bar open mic, and I think you should open up your calendar tomorrow and maybe go to flappers and not say nothing to nobody. I definitely not. Everybody's like, well, I want to be there when I go, that's going to happen. I just want you to do it. Do it for yourself.

The best feeling I have in my life every day is obviously when I kiss my daughter. and the feeling I have when I'm at home. When I walk out of Jiu-Jitsu, for me, for you, it might just be a walk in the park. It's just something you do. When I walk into Jiu-Jitsu, first of all, when I walk into J-Jitsu,

I normally go in and tap out 18 fucking times. I'm going to have to stop the breathe, but I'm going to sweat. I'm going to mount. I'm going to pass guards. I'm going to get my neck choked. I think that's the resistance in a good way. Resistant death and gravity and everything else.

Like, that's what that kind of thing is, you know? I pulled up to Alberta's two times and pulled away. You know, I can't lie to nobody here. The same thing. So I get the fear. I get it, but I don't at this point because the best I feel is when I walk out of Jiu-Jitsu because I dare a motherfucker to come in front of me. I wish I could go from Jiu-Jitsu to a stand-up stage.

It would be not very good for people. It would not be very... Dude, last night you were a fucking monster. I couldn't imagine you bringing more energy to that. Yeah. No, I walk out of that jih Tjitza with that with that last taste of testosterone running through your body and you'll say shit a little worse than what you're saying It's a little bit more honest. You get a little mess of a fuck like oh the filters are off I know you can't take like a seven o'clock class right now

But like if you have like a mat in the back and a shower would that be like the best like roll for like an hour take a shower change go on stage? Oh my God I would they couldn't stop me on stage I would be so fired up Like and for me My excitement like I never did any of this So like today I rolled We were too many people to roll So all we did was break and pass guards Right

I think I did six of them and I passed one Purple Bounce guard I got in that car like I had won a gold medal Yeah those victories are huge Do you understand me so for me If every time I wrestle with Tate If he gets me to spot a spider guard But for some reason

I wrestled this time, this eighth time. I went with Tate, and he didn't get me in a spider guard, and he got me to half guard. I won. In my mind, he didn't get me. I kept my elbows close to my body. Every time he tried to trick me, whatever, I kept him close. All that stuff to me is a win.

Where most people wouldn't look at it as a win. You know what I'm saying? This time, the first couple years I went, the first jujuice I went. I would only roll one time, five minutes at the end of class. I didn't have the energy. Right. But I would go.

Today I went. 128 tomorrow I'm gonna go 131 and I would let take it on top of me and I would cry and I'd be down there breathing fucking thinking the world was gonna end anxiety it feels like that just coming in on you who the fuck shouldn't I want to come back to that the next day yeah I remember walking and then leaving like a will in my car if I die take the car to the fucking my wife because I thought I was gonna die in these classes yeah that's how rough it was that's what I think about when I hashtag seek death and like like we talk on my podcast like keith and i about about that about being in those moments

where you you're there to give you're all you're there to tempt death you're there to push up against it and and when you do there's a great fucking release that opens like your chest opens in a different way and cracks the light of god and spirit through the whole universe that vibrates and you're involved in the moment like this is immortalizing you're you're, really, I think. And I don't think that if you go and you half step and don't commit to those things,

it's like watching you on stage last night, if you would have been like, on a fucking tear, these fucking Chinese people, like, and go, and gone, these fucking Chinese people,

like, and let it drop. That's, you just lost everybody. You just lost everybody. You just lost anybody. But, and that's that thing

that being fully committed, man, that I didn't have that piece in life for a long time, but man, is that fucking a huge investment you're making yourself? And,

and you know, for years, Joe Diaz would have gone in there last night, looked around the room, saw one person with white hair and go, I can't do that. Oh, yeah. Little things would throw you off your fucking plan. Like when I hear about fight plans in the MMA,

right. Hey, we went over this 80 fucking times. Stay away from his fucking left. You went into his fucking left. You know, the same thing happens on stage sometimes. You fall into ruts where you don't, like, and I would get discouraged by psychological things. there's six old women in the front seat

that goes my pussy like some OCD shit yeah like I can't do that material I can't do that material now I don't give a fuck yeah if you come into a comedy club you gotta go I'm willing to accept whatever

whatever and I'm gonna stick to this joke if that joke has to say something off color and it's up towards a particular race and there's six of those motherfuckers in the front row

you're gonna go up there Because it's not what you say, it's how you say. These are the things you learn. The thing about stand-up, the first three or four times, and I've had this conversation a thousand times of different people wanting to get on stages, I want you just to do it and get it over with. And it sounds so huge, but it's so minute.

Do you think you even write anything out or prepare anything or just go walk on stage and burn under the lights? I'd rather you go up there and burn on the lights. I'd rather you go up there and tell your name like he did in school. Yeah. What did you bring us today, Tate? Today I brought you a truck. It's on Hot Wheels.

My uncle worked hard to get it for me. I used to have a purple one, but my dog squat ate it. Now I have this one. Thank you. Thank you. And you got it over with it. Now you know what feelings you're going to expect. Now you know what type of emotions you're going to go through.

Now you're going to know what, Joey told me not to look at their faces. Don't look at that fucking faces. I've been doing it 25 years. You see me looking at people fucking faces the first 10 minutes? Was it Mitch Hedberg that turned around and faced the curtain? You know, is that who it was? Yeah. Man, like, that's fucking phenomenal just because he wasn't feeling.

And he was experienced. He just wasn't feeling it that day. He's like, I can't do this. I'm just going to tell my jokes to the blank wall. That's crazy. But it's a craziness, man. It's an interesting thing to be around, too, because it's all these such unique, beautiful representations of humanity, all parts in between.

And it's amazing what comes down to the story. You know, when you see all the, that is like a little universe. I gotta tell you something, you know, Joe Rogan goes out some some, some fucked up tangents. And one thing he's always said, he says, I always felt there was a certain light that shown on that to attract all those people to that place. It's something weird about that place that has so many different people, all the people who walked in that stage, you know, from prior to Tom Papa, to Kineson. Knesson to just, but it's not that.

It's just hanging out there. Yeah, man. It's like being a musician and going to the rock, not the rock seat. The one down the corner from the store. The whiskey. The one, not the whiskey, the one. There's a key. Let me used to hang out.

Oh. Well, Lemme used to hang out. And people go in there, you go in there, there's heavy metal guys. Yeah. You know, if you're going to play music, that's where your ultimate place is to go, is to go there and see what it's. It's also like a rainbow. The rainbow.

It's like a university. Because you go in there and you get, you see Duncan answering the phones and then you see him graduate onto you know doing what he's doing that or whatever and like you've i've seen that with a bunch of different doc fucking doc that was parking like and he's blowing up now he's doing great and that's all he's doing telling jokes because he quit yeah because he quit he took away the safety net yeah stand-up is a very weird animal but it's no different than any other art you're ever going to do it's just doing it getting it over analyzing it which you'll do perfectly after the first time

and then you'll be more prepared the second time, then you'll be more prepared the third time, and the good thing about you is stand-up is going to be for you, how jiu-jitsu is for me. You don't, right now, you're not really planning on the road. You have a lot of shit happening. It's not like you're going to go on tour for two months and right an hour. So right now you're going to focus on two 10-minute sets as, you know,

and again, time, nobody knows time to you're on stage. Right. Yeah. Three minutes is a fucking, That's what I say to do is about training. Like we do training sessions. I'm like, listen,

if you don't understand how long five seconds can be of suffering, like there's five seconds left on clock and you got to keep moving, the coach is yelling at you and there's a dummy in any of your elbow in a knee and whatever, then you haven't worked hard. Like when you know that like what seems like a short amount of time is fucking eternity in there and you're burning through it and it hurts every moment, like all the seconds are broken into 100 parts.

Fuck, that's different, man. What about when you got a 10-minute set that you got to do? And you go blank and you're under the light? You're getting money for rent. Oh, that was too much. And at the two-minute mark, you're dying. You're dying.

You can't get them back. Your experience can never get them back at this point. Because that's all experience is, is losing them and getting them back. Losing them getting them back. You know what? I've seen people go up there and say horrible things and then switch it up. And, you know, this shows I do, and I'm a magician. Because I go to a, like last weekend, I went to Minnesota.

Minnesota, House of Comedy, great club. But you know what, man? Right now, at this point, I just shot a special, and the last two months has been deadly on the writing. Not good. I'm trying to write a book. So the writing I'm doing for comedy is, like, it's just not getting together. But I got a couple of bright spots.

You know what I'm saying? Like, there's a couple little things that once I put four, It's like a constellation. I'm building a constellation now. I need to get eight stars. Right now, I got one. If I could get two more, that's 20 minutes. Now the last 20 will come like nothing.

But the first 20 to tighten them up and to go from my daughter to the immigration bill to this, to that. That's the groove that I'm working on right now. I love that immigration piece. I know it's a little pussy hair away, but I'm going through a slump. So what are you doing when there's a suburb? slump you stop playing because you got submitted 10 days in the row you don't get anything are going to come back now

no this is when you come back because by the 18th day that's what it's all going to come to you so the last well and I think that's what commitment is that's what commitment because because you don't give a fuck like at the thing like when you when I feel like I plateaued and I'm like

well I just I just keep coming because there's nothing else this is the thing that I do like and when that becomes the thing that you do like it doesn't matter how you know i i was tripping out about baseball players the other day a friend of mine he's like you know if you want to be in the hall of fame you need to hit 30% of the balls that's failure everywhere in life if you make a 30% on a test you fucking you're you wrote your name you're retarded being the baseball hall of fame but like if you hit three out of

ten balls or four out of ten balls no one hits four to ten no one has ever hit four like ted Williams was the last guy to hit 400. So imagine that, bro. You get up, no, that's amazingly. You get up on the plate. I think so, right? And imagine, you need one joke to go momentum into the next joke. Imagine if you're going to suck dicks every fucking time or seven or eight out of ten times,

but you get up with the same kind of power and panache that can hit a home run every time. That's a mental discipline. I mean, I'm sure there's some of those baseball players that just throw it away, but the guys that are good that pay attention that try on every shot, To me, that's phenomenal, man. It hasn't been done since Ted Williams did it. I don't even know what year was, let's see. Crazy.

Yeah, and so that's a trip to me. Like, to mark my reinforcement by going, like, when you're saying about the stars and you're like, and then the last 20 will come easy, to not dread it. Because I think there's something about the way I feel about the thing that I do going into it. It's like, I can't dread it. I've got, like, or I can, and it gets done, but it's way more arduous than it. needs to be if I'm just excited and you know let me break it down to your jiu jitza what if what if your father was a black belt in jihitsu and every day from the age of five

to the age of 12 he fucked around when you were to kamara you could bang a kamara with two fingers what we need to do is grab the guy's wrist and exactly your arm knows how to do it yep but guess what you got to pass my guard to get my kamo right you have no experience in passing my guard that's I got to do now. Right now I have the bits in the beginning. Now I have to figure out the paths and how they all mix together. So you're going to teach me the one step behind to break the pass and then I'm going to try to get the two underhooks and put pressure on them and grab this thing and pull myself in. You're going to teach me all the pads. Right now I got the things I just don't have the pads. That's going to take another month or so.

It's cool. It's cool that you've done it enough that you know how much time it takes. But for a month, let me tell you something. January and December, and my mind were brutal. Is that right? I didn't want to get on stage. Now, were you going up just as regularly as always? Yeah, always.

If I'm out of town, if I go out of town, I do five sets out of town and one on Tuesday. There's a comedy giant right up the road here, right? Yeah, flappers. The ha-ha, right down the corner. And there's another one with a big marquee outside. Yeah, flappers. The ha-ha. Is that what it is?

Yeah, there's two. The one is closed down. You drove past two of them. Maybe. Yeah, but one of them is closed down on Langeisham. Shaky Town. Shaky Town. The Ha-ha is on the other side.

Yeah. So if we get out of here early, we can go there, and we'll put you up tonight. 10.30. And shit, what time is it? We'll get you out of here. Because that's the only way to do it. Bust your nut. I can't have.

No, no, I'm not busting you're not. No, to go out there and just break a carry. I'd rather drop it on you at seven. And drop it on you on 8 in the morning. I don't want you in that hell all day. How am I going to get out of this? I can't call Joey. Oh, I know Joey 15 years.

I'm going to get out of it. I might get a flat tire on the way there. I might even stage an accident. I mean, that's how bad if you're getting. But that's why I would drop it on you like seven. Like, what are you doing today? No, pick me up. Let's go to dinner.

On the way after dinner, let's stop at the sportsman's lounge. There's an open mic. And I just throw, you know, it's like when you fall and takes you swimming. You're six. Don't you know how to swim? Let me hold on. Boom, they throw you in. You flap around and it takes you out.

Now you leave there going, Joey, I can't believe I got it. You're a fucking scumbat. You'll probably even punch me and be mad. I still shake everyone. He did it. He did it. He did it. He did it.

Yeah, I did it like three or four times, I think. Yeah. For my special, they brought them up. They made them go up. Yeah, I didn't plan that on the side. I didn't think you're going to pull the CD. But you can't think about it. Right.

You know, I was telling Lee, when I was a sports salesman, that I would always kick on Saturdays in the sports selling business, I was always number one on the board. What do you think? Why? I did a Nateball on Friday night. I went to work unconscious.

Yeah. So I went back to basics. That's the best coaches. Like you look at how Greg Jackson coaches guys, you see a lot of guys, they're like, I want to see that four-punch combination or whatever. It's too much.

Greg's just there, okay, I need you to breathe. I need you to breathe. Okay, let's try to count 12 jabs out in the next round. And it'll be just that. It'll be just simple, nothing. But it's like, because the truth is, if I'm trying to work this four punch cut, whatever the thing is, I'm too late anyway. I got to rely just on my fucking charisma of all of the years of training that I built into my movement that I'm just going to move in a scrap the way it is because

it's a scrap. It's not technique driven as it is, the momentum driven of what you've written into your body, into your musculature on how to move, right? And that's, I think, think the magic place to get for fighters is like who are you at your best day in the gym is that guy ever seen the lights of competition and most guys would say no you know and i and i think i think it's the same thing with like with comedy with i mean with so many art forms it's like we need that pressure to be able to polish that fucking diamond man absolutely absolutely art is never done art is art is art i'm gonna tell you something you don't think i'm crazy since i started jihitsu my stand-up has gotten better. Oh, 100% of that. Yeah. I know for a fact. I know for a fact. I feel the difference.

I feel the breathing. I feel how everything has affected, how I've thought, and combined them together. Me writing is me being on my back. Nobody likes to do that. Nobody wants to be on that back. Nobody wants to write. You know, just so many different things. You know, we were talking about one day where you are a very intelligent guy. You might come to me and they go, Joey, did you watch myself that night? I go, yeah. That fucking joke keeps bombing. I go, that joke's a funny joke. The problem is, you're not experienced enough to say it.

Something about the way you're saying that joke just ain't selling. It's there. It's a joke. Put that joke away and try it again in three years when you have confidence from a different angle. You know, and things like that always happen. Do you ever ask for help with like when you, like, or maybe not now anymore? but like when you're young and like starting out in it, did you ever go to like fucking another comic and go,

hey, look at this, what do you think of this? How do we form this better and get help with that? Or would that be like I don't want to, I don't want to have anybody else's fingerprints on my thing? No, I think that I don't, I don't ever want to call, let's say Tate becomes a great joke writer. I don't even want to call Tate and go Tate, write me 30 minutes. I'll pay you at $3,000.

I would never do it. I'm the type of guy I don't want you writing for me at all. Well, what if I wrote my, I'm writing my own and I'm going, how do I make this better, Joey? Do you have an opinion on that? Or do you go, I don't want to put my fingerprints on your shit, Tate? Okay, so no, no, no, no. We're going to discuss this right now.

So let's pretend me and you meet three times a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Yeah. And. You're like my trainer for jokes. Yeah. So me and you are going to write together. Okay.

Listen, man. Two heads are better than one, three heads are better, four heads are better. All those years when Chris Rock had three of those specials, that were tremendous specials. Okay. What people don't know is, let's say HBO would give him a $250,000 advance. He would take 50 and give it to Nick Napollo, a tremendous joke writer. He would take another 50 and give it to Richard Jenny, as good as the business gets. And he would take another 50 and give that to Lewis C.K.

Okay, because he's got no ego. He knows, okay? He knows. Okay, so did these guys write a material for him? Not at all. If you'd watch him on Monday nights, if you were at the store, he'd meet up with Nick at the improv about 8.50, do a 10-minute set.

Then on the drive to the Laugh Factory, him and Nick would talk about more shit, and he'd do another spot. And then they'd close it out at the store. And if they were lucky enough, they'd go back to the fucking Laugh Factory and write that bit again. And he would do the same on Tuesday night with whatever his name is. And then on Wednesday night, he would team up with Lewis C.K.

So by the end of that special, yeah, that's a 60-minute special. But I guarantee each of those wrote 15 minutes. That's why those specials are so good. Bigger and blacker. The one before that where, what did he say? You know, there's something about being black. About being rich and wealthy. You know, whatever.

There's a big thing between me. black and this is the big number two of being a nigger. All those brilliant specials where when he was running with Rich Jenny, and that's what a smart comic does. These guys started together. They know each other like freaking me and you and Lee were white

belts 15 years ago. I know Lee likes the North South. I know you like a motherfucker. So now we don't train no more. But I'm training with Cabrini and Al. Lee's gone on to train with John Jock. Guess what? When you're going to fight next time and that guy's a jihitoo specialist, me and Lee are going to come down and you're just going to

put us up and feed us. Right. And we're going to work you. You follow it. It's the same fucking thing. You're going to come. We're going to go to you. Remember that?

So you guys that are dope writers don't really write, you know, knock knock, who's there? They don't write the joke. They're just helping him see the thing from a different angle and bring up more funny. Yeah. And if you would watch Chris Rock specials, that sarcasm, he has great sarcasm. But take combining with Nick Apollos, you're fucking special. was brilliant. So if I, if each of these guys...

And then these guys never feel sorry because they're like, dude, I gave him my best joke. No. Because it's not really theirs. It's like a thing that's grown. Yeah, I got it. Yeah.

I never knew that. I always had it backwards. I always figured like when these guys they get joke raters, I didn't know that that's a cool style. There's a lot. I like this style better. Yes.

If HBO comes to me tomorrow and goes, we're going to give you half a million dollars on advance pay, you know, we'll give you a quarter of a million up front to have. I'm going to get three of the best 50 guys I know what that's at the thing. Not necessarily I'm going to get Joe

Rogan or Chris Rock. I might get a feature act that nobody's seen before. You see that Fahim kid? Fahim. Did he fucking up last night? He's so good. Dog, his special's coming out and see so. I'm going to have him on. I'm going to try to get him on next week. He's fucking

good. I was like, it's like inspiring to watch. Like he's so good. No, he's a bad motherfucker. He's dangerous. He's like, he was like a former engineer. Like, he's really smart. It comes across, man. It comes across. And that dude, I like him, like, I saw him go

in and out of characters. And the problem with fucking dudes that are, like, comic character guys, is that they live that character. Then they become, if it's a dushy guy, they're dushy guys. If it's like a Spartan, like, hey, whizbang sports fan, then they're that guy. And, but

you see a guy like that go in and out of characters, and he's still so solid on his feet of who he, uh, He's fucking phenomenal, man. I'm excited to see his special. This special that I just shot for C-Sito, I had a cat. Willie Barsena helped me.

All right, Willie Barsan has done 19 tonight shows, so he knows the short set. I didn't want the special to be filthy. You know what I'm saying? I wanted it to be more than me, so I would write the material, perform, and send them the performances. And he would write three or four different things.

And that was it. He'd tell me, put this here. Don't use that word because we're here to win a fucking fight, not to lose the, you know what I'm saying? Right. So there was a lot of things that we went back and forth, no arguments, no nothing. I trusted him 150%.

He didn't write my special at all. He helped me. Lee would tape the sets with me. I would tape him on my iPhone and the next morning on an email into Willie. And Willie would send me notes. so by the time I got back from Austin on Sunday Willie would have all his sets and Tuesday when we'd meet

he'd have two pages of notes That's dope And I would go home the rest of the week And practice that shit at flappers Or at the ha ha and just stay out of the public eye There's no help There's no doing it There's no practicing that shit at home

No Oh you have to put your ass on the line And you might go and look silly You gotta risk everything You gotta go and risk it Me shooting a special I looked at it is me training for a fight against Sanderson Silva.

That was it. It's the same thing. You got to do the same shit every day. You got to sleep, eat. I got to think about this. I got to get up and my back hurt. I've never sat that much in my life. Now I do exercises while I'm sitting down.

If I'm sitting that long, but I was trying to write in like two hour chunks, smoked all, run errands, come back, go to a coffee shop now, change locations, two hours, go home. And that night after everybody went to bed, I'd go to Starbucks until midnight, over here, excuse me, on Magnolia.

So I always had different things to, you know, I don't like, right, yeah. Yeah. You know, I have a conversation with Lee. I love Jiu-Jitsu, but there's only one thing I don't like about Jiu-Jitsu, a day like today. Who the fuck wants to roll inside on the daylight today? You know what I'm saying? You know, in a day like today, I would usually blow off Jiu-Jitsu, get kettlebells, go to NoHo Park, swing five sets, couple cleans.

couple squats and just walk around the track stretch out get some sun that sweat is a natural whatever i love right now sliding the sun like i love it i love it there's something about you know if you read uh uh stephen spillsberg's book on writing it's called on writing very interesting book he talks about a way that he used to have his room and now he breaks it down from motherfucker. Really? Oh. Stephen King on on writing

Braves it down. Stephen King, not Stephen Spielberg. No, Stephen King, I'm sorry. So order it right now on Amazon. You're going to love it.

He has great shit because he's like us. He's a real fucking dude. The dude did coke and heroin. Really? Yeah, bro, I just heard this shit. Like, he was on Sons of Anarchy.

You know, that's a trip because I was... Yeah, he was on Sonsa Hennon. I was a kid, I was, I was figured if you're successful, you're on the street. That's what they sell you. That's, if you're on the straight and narrow.

If you're a success, and like, he's a successful writer. So, you know, in the meantime, how do you think you'd read a book about a dog? That kills people. Yeah, right? You know, I think he had. Carrie, the dog, the fucking, hey. Carrie was a piece of paper. It was a couple pages that he had wrote about, he was a janitor at the time in New Hampshire or wherever the fuck he was living.

And he was working as a janitor in a high school or grandma school. I don't know, you'll correct me after you read this. and he saw the period box in the girls' bathrooms. So he wrote a couple lines about that, and then he wrote a couple lines about people who have superhuman natural brain abilities, people that could move stuff.

So he took whatever he had, he wrote like 30 pages on it, he threw in the garbage. And that night when he got home from work, his wife took it out of garbage and said, I read this. This is really good. That's Carrie. Crazy.

How fucking crazy. That's the wild thing. too is like how we never good enough for our own shit, for our own critic. He's going to break down so much shit for you and it's just an interesting book. Whether you want to be a writer or not. I mean, this is just a book from this guy's perspective.

And I think he talks about his addictions and he was snort and blow it to write. You know, last night I was watching something before I went to the store about Ernest Hemingway. He sat at the same fucking place every day and wrote and got a hammered. He hung out there for 10 fucking years.

You know, the guy that Fear and Loading in Las Vegas. He was no fucking guy. Bukowski. Bikowski with this fight. You know, they were all... Had them into the dope. The Spanish guy, the guy that created Miami Vice.

But everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They each got to have something. This is what takes out of imagination. I remember one time, Tate and I were at... Tate's going to go, Joey Diaz, get the fuck out of here. Tate and I were in Austin, Texas at the... What's the name of the restaurant?

We go to the Liet, across from the hotel. Pover dinner. Papa does. And me and Eddie and all those guys, but me and Tate would get into a conversation about how Alice and Chains wrote their music on heroin. Look at him. He's going, oh, my God.

And I had him to take, looking at me going, that's interesting. Like, Tate was heavy into the, you know, you were very sober then, you were very proud. And you were like, that's interesting. I can't imagine, Joey. And you went like, uh-uh. Was that song they do?

Wood. Yeah. Isn't it wood? Or man in the box. Or, or, or, uh, here comes the, uh, rooster. Yeah, you know, but the one we were talking about was, uh, uh, you know, if you listen to that whole fucking hell, it's laced with heroin. Oh, down in a hole.

If you've ever been in a hole. Yeah. You know exactly. You know who they wrote like under a different beat. is fucking Lou Reed. Lou Reed used to write fucking poetry, man, street poetry about fucking dope

and hookers and fucking trannies, everything, man. He was the fucking, man. These, on down in the hole, I have it on my iPod. It's like the second song I listen to when I have 2,000 milligrams of TAC and me,

and I put my seatbelt on. That's the second song. I have like an order on the plane and I listen to Down the Hole like two or three, times in the first section of lyrics you know holding red flowers in the tomb and all that shit down in the hole and i don't know if i could be straight or i could feel his pain yeah i could feel what the fuck they were writing i mean when he sang that he had no teeth on mtvee yeah and no

fucking teeth the heroin how bad does it get when your teeth the fucking god on how good is it how good is it oh yeah that's the other side i mean it's so good talking him started he's gonna start he's gonna bring heroin in again he's going oh man it's not again but so good it's like that and people don't they don't get it it's like that's how good it is like i can be pulling scabs i was last time i saw dude shoot up i was in vancouver and i was uh looking out the window of this alley and this dude's trying to hit his neck and the only time anybody tries to hit their neck is because all their other veins are gone nothing's available right and and you know and so he and he and he can't get and i'm like and i'm watching for fucking 10 minutes

15 and I'm uncomfortable as fuck I'm like I hope come on get this time get it like I'm as I'm like him I'm like I've become him and and fucking he finally hits it and that relief comes and it is it's a it's like a wind tunnel of dirt and scabies just blowing through this

fucking alley there's 30 junkies all in there strewn about the place and fucking he's there and he fucking gets it and it's just like and you just know he's home and fuck man you were shooting anything? Yeah Yeah. Would you shoot Coke?

Yeah, Coke and heroin and morphine. What did you think of the Coke shooting? I don't like it so much. I did it a few times with a buddy of mine because he liked it because as soon as his veins, he'd throw up. And he's like, then I could know how good to Coke was if I was going to buy weight. And like it was just like it. It was like he would get a taste like that. And that was his thing, you know.

I can't imagine shooting up on a daily basis, on a multiple times a day basis. It was one of the things like when I first got clean. and I go, you know, a couple months in, I didn't have nothing out. Like, there's nothing to look forward to, not for years for me. There's nothing for years. But one of the things was that I didn't have to get high anymore. And there's a different thing. Like, when you say I can't imagine doing it on a daily basis, like, the thing is,

is like you can't imagine not because, like, your hope, that's all the life is. That's the only place you get freedom. I got one friend. He shoots speed. and yeah and he and he was clean for a while and he whatever whatever

but he hits it man sometimes he says he'll he'll fucking put powder in the barrel and he'll draw blood to mix the blood yeah yeah yeah so there's no dilution right and he hammers it and he says and when I said I said are you getting any relief anymore at all

are you getting is there any freedom in there because that's what we're hunting man and uh and he goes he says you know I blast it and fucking my knees will fucking shake and give out. And right before I drop to the ground, I feel fucking free. I'm set free.

And that's all he's getting is that millisecond right there anymore, right? But he's still, you know, you can't get away from it. It's fucking crazy, man. It's like, it's a wild thing, you know? That's why I think we're built to have fun. We're built to feel good. Man, I got to push all the ways to feel good and to have fun that I can. Because, like, there's, I mean, however you do it, you do it, like, whatever it is.

But like, some are more sustainable than others, you know. Well, Kate, I mean, I'm not going to, I can't sit here from the age of 16 to when I got locked up at 27. If there was no Coke, I wouldn't leave the house. Like, if you called me and said, Joey, I got three chicks here. We're going to rock and roll. Did you get anything? No, I couldn't get anything. What about your friend?

Nah. I'm not going to go down there. Yeah. To stand in a blonde drink three beers? That's not going to happen. I mean, how sad is that tape? It's fucking pathetic. But, like, dudes would ask me, they go.

well when you do coke what would you do like you are like what are you what are you gonna do like let's let's go go to go to the club i'm not a club guy i'm fucking not that like it's like that's like that's like that's not something like oh it really makes me miss drinking or something like to see a bunch dickheads in a club like is not my thing but like that i'm like i'm doing coke what do you mean like they're like well what are you going to do tonight i'm like it's called doing cocaine i'm going to look out the window some i'm going to have the fucking tv on with the volume turned way down and I'm going to do cocaine until there's no cocaine left and I'm going to stay up for as long as that takes like and and I'm going to fucking it's going to be like that and like and then I remember

I got locked up once on a Friday and so I'm there until Monday pride to see the judge right and a dude hits me up he comes in he goes hey he says hey you want to do some blow I go how much blow he got he goes I got a quarter gram I go no and I didn't have a problem saying no because I could not imagine the feeling of what that craving is like when I get that in me that I'm going to fucking sit there for 72 hours wanting to fuck you I'll chew through your neck you cuck sucker

when I got sentenced that morning I got sentenced you know I say my goodbyes I got a suit on I walk into the fucking cell there's a camera I'm by myself there's a fucking toilet another thing I had been snorting for

three days straight and three because they called on Friday and said community corrections didn't take them you gotta go convince this fucking judge or he's going to jail they told me this Friday of 5 so that changed all the whole I thought I was going to court

and I was gonna walk out of there that's how fucking delusional I was that's what planet I fucking was that yeah kidnapping a machine going yeah sure you're gonna beat it fine right but the cocaine was like I'm gonna go on that Monday

I talk to the judge I swear to god I have no reason Like I was like I was going there Monday and I put some fucking I'll tell the judge here with my story I couldn't even talk and that judge said do you have anything to say? I couldn't even talk you know me though I could talk for hours I was like I couldn't talk from being nervous and he sentenced me I went in the back and after all that tape I go in the back and it was one of those suits where you put the coke in and you hide it you forget and for some reason I'm sitting in the prison cell.

I'm near 20 minutes. Now I'm going through my clothes. Like just, wow, look at this shirt. I take the jacket off. And for some reason, I took the napkin out of it. Holy fuck. And there it is front and center. A rock of Coke that I had been saving since God knows when.

And I just crunched it up in front of the camera with my fingers in the suit pocket. I went in my wall and I took a dollar bill out. I put the whole dollar bill on that fucking thing. And I went back to the faucet and turned it on. snorted the whole fucking gram in there one shot because by that time that's what I was doing when I was 27 I could do a whole fucking bag at one shot yeah I flushed down the toilet with the dollar bill I waited for them to come but they didn't seem to even the car dollar bill clean first and brother let me tell you something I think 10 minutes in the coke was tremendous

but between the uh the relief of knowing I was going to jail and everything else right I and passed out. Crazy. Like passed out, like, passed out. Like, woke up, like, at 7 o'clock. When I did that Coke, it was one in the afternoon, and it was a gram, which for an hour

you're sitting there fucking join. It didn't even hit me that way. Like, because the relief of knowing that I was in a, it was for a year. I was living in this fucking... Yeah, you live in the other hammer's going to... Everybody I'm talking to is like, good luck, we'll see what

happens. Yeah, we'll leave in God's hands. As much as you think you're going to beat something, you know, I was convinced because of my cocaine addiction that I was going to talk him into a work-release job, and I was going to snor-cockeling and work-release. Machine-gunning kidnapping. This is how retarded drugs, go to you. You know, cocaine is so good at fucking people up

that your whole life can be spiraling down the shitter with turds right behind it, and you think you're killing it. Killing it. I thought I was going to talk. Fucking a crazy. No, no, no, no. I thought I was going to go on there smooth to judge. over. Yeah. Like this is the beauty

of this. At 30, no, I started comedy. I went to prison in 87, which made me 24 years old. At 24 years old, I thought I was going there and smoothed the judge over. Like, Judge, let me talk to you. But no, I got sentenced. August 15th of 88. So that means I was 25 years old. I went to prison.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to go talk to him. That's how retarded I was at 20 fucking five. Let me go talk to this guy. Do you remember what your lawyer was saying? My lawyer was telling me to keep my fucking mouth shit. You know, my lawyer was phenomenal. I mean, he did an amazing fucking job. I recently called him.

Really? Found him, and I said, listen, I didn't want your work to be in vain. I go, I finally got my life together. I'm a comedian. I'm married. I have a child. I'm 50. And he was like, you can't be telling me this shit.

He goes, my son. No, so that was the conversation we had the first day. Then the second day, he called me. And he goes, I went home and told my son, my son knows everything a bunch. Yeah. You were in the longest yard. Is that a trip? He goes, Jesus Christ, he goes, he's studying to be in film.

So I said, when he becomes a big director, tell him to call his Uncle Joey, you know what I'm saying? Don't call me now, call me. But yeah. What took you to Seattle then? Abroad. Yeah. Abroad and air. Did they have, did stop with that goddamn cam.

Did they have a better, did they have a better comedy scene there or anything like that? Absolutely. Big city. It's like a real, it's like L.A. Like that city is a huge fucking West Coast city. Denver at the time was McCelvey's Witsend. Now is the place that I've been to in Denver? Was that open

back then? Denver Comedy Works. The place that, it got all brick and shit. It's fucking real nice. Yes. That's been there since 81. I love that building, man. I just got a sweatshirt from them. Like they ran a I just found it. They gave it to me when I was there in August, but I just found it. I must

have put it in a closet. And it was like, their 50th anniversary. You know, Denver only had the comedy works and those other two clubs. But before those two clubs opened, they would have to go to Boulder and Boulder. It was a jazz club called the Blue Note. And that's where, like, Roseanne did comedy.

I mean, everybody was doing Tom Arnold, yeah. Is that because the college was more of it, like, they had better venues for, like... No, no, no. That's all they had available for comedy. It was a jazz club. You know, if you look into the history, of comedy over the years. It was done with

burlesque. And then it was done very avant-garde, like in the 60s, and then like in the 70s, is when I think the first comedy club popped up. Like, I've heard different stories. Pittsburgh. The Funny Bone in Pittsburgh, which is not there no more. I would guess that it's like,

kind of like, the first guy is the guy that's in between, bring up acts and he's telling little jokes. He's like, how am I going to fill the space in between the baton twirler and the fucking lion tamer? He's like, I'll tell some, and like, it started as like that kind of job, I bet. And then somebody goes, I wonder if somebody would just like to see that all the time. And then there's a headline comic made. Like, you know what I mean? That's like, because they're guys that have stage presence that have charisma that can sway

a crowd, pump a crowd up, ultimate hype man, keep them laughing. You know, I wonder where they were born from those first comics they're doing a show right now on c nc called the history of comedy i watched 15 minutes of what i had i was busy that night i don't know what night it comes on but i think like fordville but i know they have like fucking cavemen drawings there some guy up there hitting the drum with his dick or something there's got to be you know they had to be humor i mean they talked about with jokers and well one of those people caught jester and all that stuff. So somewhere along the line.

I guarantee we're going to see bricks of fucking stand-up clubs in Africa. Some guy, any of you were really bad, they just threw a spear at you. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? They just chuck the fucking spear

right through your fucking heart. You're going to be entertainment in one kind or another. Let me give some shoutouts here real quick. Yeah. To my motherfuckers in the game. Smari Army, Swarmy Army,

whatever the fuck it is. Argun, Machado, Gabor, James Harrison XZ podcast, the whole Monty Curtis Harmon, real Joe Williams, and my man Matthew Stone.

I love you, cocksuckers. Anyway, where were we? I love that. You got one of them, you know, you see him on Twitter or Facebook.

Man, I love interacting, dude. I try to answer all the goddamn Snapchats. And I tell you, though, I don't know if I fucked up

or not. Lee can be the judge. But I, I was down in Mexico. You know Scottie that runs on the mat? Yes, yes. He's friends of John Salami and stuff. Yeah, yeah.

And so he's got a hospital down there, like a cancer remediation and drug therapy kind of. Does he? Yeah, they do curson juicing. And I did hyperbaric chambers. I did, they do coffee animals all day long to kind of, to release this antioxidant that lives in your liver, basically. And, and, and, uh, and cleans you out. And they do, they do everything. They did ozoneate.

They take my blood out. They put it through an ozone machine, and then they put it through UV light and put it back in, kills all the viruses in your body. Like, they do all types of shit. And so I'm down there and I'm doing animals. And these guys, you're not on Snapchat. You can't even, I got to remind you about tech. Yeah. You know, Gino at Speedweed, he's like, I got a picture that Joey is on Joey's phone, but he's not good at texting.

I go, you're fucking right. He's not. And he says, see if you get, so I got to remind us. You and now are going to remember. Look at you. I don't remember. It's, I'm okay. But what happened with the, uh, anyway, so I go down there and I get all these guys,

they can add you on your story so you're just fucking, it's an onslaught of pictures of dogs and their lunch and they're this and that on Snapchat. And I'm like, hey, how about don't do that? Because I like to interact with people and I don't need to be added to your timeline. Anyway, long and short of it, I fucking got an enumab thing and I got coffee in it. And then I take a picture of that, send it to like 30 guys that all have fucking savaged me with their boring fucking shit. And then a picture of the hose.

And then a picture of my asshole was the finisher for them. And I fucking send that out to all these guys. And they're like, holy, and then the finisher finisher was what was in the toilet after the animal comes up. Oh, no. And I'm like, you're welcome. How about keep me off your fucking timelines? Since then, it's been real nice in my neighborhood. No, wait a second.

So I don't do Snapchat because I get confused as it is. I'm good with Twitter. I'm good with Periscope. You're good on MySpace. I used to be good on my space, but I'm not good on this other shit. Snapchat. I'm impressed with how much you do on Periscope. You're a savage on there.

Well, I do two before the podcast, and I try to do one on Monday and Friday. Especially from a different city. That's cool. You want to smoke a joint. Give them a look. Do you do live stream this? Yes. You do live stream it.

Yeah. Yeah, it's going out right now on YouTube. God. I'd be eating my snots. All right. Oh, stop. Please don't talk about that again. I'm just teasing.

Oh, he doesn't. That's it. Don't talk about it. Right? You know what I'm going to talk about? You want me to tell the story from today? Sure. No, I can't tell you the story about the snot today.

Anyway. Too savage. No, it's true. So give yourself, look at the calendar tonight when you go home. Yeah. Look at the rooms and look at the, you know, they got all the, oh. I'll tell you where you're going to go. What time of Easter goes?

Marties. Marty's. Nobody's going to see you there. All right. Nobody's going to know who you are. Cool. You go out of your son. Where is it?

Pay three bucks. It's right in Hollywood. On sunset. On sunset. And, uh, I got to write it in. It's right down the block from the fucking Israeli restaurant on sunset, my favorite. Aroma.

I like aroma. Yeah. It's right down the block from the house. Aroma Israeli. It's actually a coffee shop in Israel. Really? Yeah. They got one of Studio City, too, right?

No, they're not related. Oh, they're not? No, the aroma in Hollywood, that's where they have the salmon. Yeah. Fucking delicious. They got a couple good fucking dishes in there, Jack. Marty's on sunset. Yeah.

Is that what it's called? Did you get the picture I sent you? Is it every night? Yeah, seven nights a week. Okay. And they get like five bucks to get up. Five bucks and you go and you get on stage ten times in one night if you want because they just keep rotating. I got it.

They just keep rotating you. So it's fucking. tremendous. I'm really proud of your take this will change your life. I'm excited. You do it as a hobby for a while just to get your feet wet. It's another thing. Listen, knowledge is power. Ayacoka. Yeah, baby. I acoco said that. Knowledge is power. I just, I like, to spread it out. I like, it's the next, like, scary thing. Like, is that it's, because it's like wrestling, right? It's like, you're wrestling this new thing. And like, well, get good at that, too, you know, and that's what I want to do. I don't want to just do it a few times. I'd like to

make it part of my living lifestyle how do you get into like just speaking about doing things that are scary you're into a lot of different businesses how did you get how do you get into jiu jitsu and coffee and i don't mean like a bar and how well jiu jitza's different i got into jihitsu to stop my head and i just wanted to uh like i i just want to there's always a thing in my in my body i think where i was like i want to be able to use this i want to be able to be useful at it or whatever And like when I had the chance to, Jadzidu fascinated me because I got arm barbed by a dude that was 100 pounds lighter than me,

three times and under a minute, same arm, and I was baffled. I had no idea how that happened, because I thought I was tough, right? And so then I just dove into it. And I was, I got in there through stick fights,

through a group, you know. You did collie? It was like Collie, Screama, Krabi Cabrano. It's a dog brothers. Yeah, no whole barred stick fight. Yeah, yeah.

Right, because somebody said you were friends of one of them. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, a couple of the founders I'm good friends with. That's a great. He was saying that Alberto was telling me that there was, he goes, he knows. One of the guys had a belly.

He goes, one of the guys had a belly. And whenever he did jiu-jitsu, he had a move that he would just fucking put it on your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I don't know if that's your story or that's a guy in Brazil. He was telling me, he goes, Joey, the guy tapped everybody with his belly. He goes, I was the only guy he never tapped out. You know why? He goes, because I used to make like a straw with my mouth.

the dog. I thought of him. He's like I would just sit there, Joey. He'll find an opening, man. He's not tapping me out. Yeah. He's not tapping me out. He goes, but the guy would, but he was saying something about the dog brothers that you hung out with.

There was a guy there that was heavy. Yeah, Arlen. And he wouldn't move a lot, but he had a move. I forgot what he had a couple. He had a couple moves that he would do. And if, and if you could withstand it, he didn't have error to last for the next few minutes. And so you just, you just had to withstand the storm. It was like fighting a really good wrestler.

Like, real good wrestler ain't going to finish you, but he's going to beat your ass all the way up until you get to choke him. But you get to choke him, you know? And it was like that. It's like real, you know, real strong guys without the wind. That's trouble for them if you can withstand that. But you're that big. That's a lot of air.

Yeah. That's a lot of air. I see these guys that go into the U.S. With tons of muscle. And by the second round, they're huffing and puffing. You got to shave away at that muscle a little bit. Something. Something to get the air in there.

Those muscles require a lot of oxygen to fucking work, man. My friend, my friend, he owns a Gracie Baja now in Albuquerque, but Don Ortega, and he'd say, just because you're buff, don't mean you're tough. Like when all these steroid guys would walk into the gym or something, and they'd all get strangled. It's just whatever you're trained at, you know, whatever you're good at. There's not just technique.

You've got to be in the fire and be underneath the suffering of somebody else on top of you trying to strangle the life out of you. And that's where you grow. And you can't grow like that anywhere else than in those conditions. I don't know when people get involved in different things, whether it be stand-up or fighting or whatever, painting or swine or the arch. Like the internal suffering that you have.

It's this weird. You know, you said it best before, the universe. We never think about the universe. when you wake up in the morning you look out the window, the stars, we never think about the universe. Not the fucking universe that they talk about an Armageddon.

The universe, the spiritual universe. You know, goal writing. Let's talk about goal writing. A kid came to the show last Friday because before I listened to your podcast, I never wrote a goal in my life. Wow.

Because I started writing goals and pretty soon they started coming up. That's because you put something into the universe yeah you're projecting you know when I call you the first year your stand-up career I would never call you and say this to you but there's a lot of people who call you and go Tate what are you doing tonight not to come on down do 15 minutes in front of 400 people you know you think you're not gonna get paid you know what I would pay you but then right sure but it's not about the

money it's about you going down there right because you just put something into the Whether you bomb or not, you don't know what you're doing. Right. You have no idea what you just did. Yep. You did something from the kindness of your soul that two people are going to laugh. That means you made two people out of the 400 laugh. They're going to think your goofy ass is funny after two weeks of doing comedy.

There always is. And, you know, people don't want to put things into the universe anymore. And before the universe gives you something back, the universe you and I live in, because we believe in calm, We've done time. We've done drugs. And we've seen all the, you know, when you hit somebody in the head to take $30. And all of a sudden, two weeks later,

you got $32 and you lose it when you jump into the water. And you go, and you remember the 30 you stole two weeks later. The universe gives you signals. That's why I was always scared that the other shoe was going to drop. It's because I was always forcing the other shoe to drop. There you go. I would make an action that there was for sure going to be a reaction to a couple weeks later. And maybe I'd be dumb enough to not be able to see the scope of

the whole reaction, like there were related issues. They're the same issue. Yeah, man, for sure. The universe is a very, you know, with stand-up county, with acting, it's a very... Is that Sceiver or Indica? Indica. This is from Gino. Do you prefer Indica or do you prefer Sotiva?

If you have a certain type of satea that'll sizzle my eyeballs, I'll smoke it. But that Jack Herrera and all that shit, that shit don't do nothing, Uncle Joe. we brought us a tiva in here a couple of years you don't get high on it not at all what about you uh i can high it it's not the same though i prefer the indica it's uh well indica motherfucker it's uh it's probably just because that's all i've smoked with joey for years right because i actually i do and i did enjoy the one because he got me a seat a sativa once from perennial and he told me to smoke it before i did some work and i actually saw the benefits of it i was like oh yeah i could see that happening but i i I still prefer Indicas.

Interesting. I get the benefit from whether I smoke or eat it. Anything that calms me down and lets me settle on one thing. Yeah, they say the Sativa is like more of a encourage or whatever, more of an excited. Well, get you high, but it gets you motivated. Not motivated, it gives you energy. That's what people say they like Sativas. I get energy from an indica.

Yeah, me too. I get energy from the thought pattern. The thought pattern, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't sit down after I smoke weed. Like that shit about sitting and watching movies. Right. That was when I was 22. That, that, now I get high to work.

Not really stand-up, but everything that goes, it's stand-up. You know, dealing with this, the podcast, writing jokes. When I write my book, when I'm writing a couple paragraphs in the book. Are you writing that with somebody? I have an agent. Yeah. But I'm pretty much writing it alone at this point. And I've been really, really on it.

And I'm really proud of myself. How do you do it? Do you say I'm going to write three hours in the morning no matter what or only one inspired or how do you keep the ambition to do it going? First off, I start with writing a sentence a week. A friend of mine that used to listen to the podcast said, I would just want you to start with a sentence a week. And two or three times I fail. A sentence a day. A sentence a day, I'm sorry.

And I failed like two or fucking three times a sentence a day. I would do four days. But I would still do it, you know? But four days is like going to jihitsu once a week for. two years nothing really gonna happen right because by the time you go there next Monday you forgot about what you learned the week before you only got four roles the week before so after while I was writing the special this year I got that thing where you know again if you want something to happen you gotta sit

there for two hours and really write and really think and I don't sit there and waste that energy no more all right so I've said this a thousand times when you first start writing you're gonna go okay uh immigration. I heard Chinese people got immigrated. Okay. So what are you going to do? So for three fucking hours, you're going to sit like this at the coffee shop. I'm sitting with the pen between my teeth, make them believe I'm thinking. Right. This is what happens. You just wasted three hours. Fuck that. Write this, but I want you to exercise. I want you to write a story about the first time you went to rehab. That's it. Joey, but what? Because you're working that muscle. Yeah.

you're working that muscle. This is a muscle. This is a muscle. Believe it or not, this is a muscle. But the real muscle is sitting your ass in the chair. That's the muscle we all lack. It's actually sitting down for that hour going. Mitch Hedberg did it every day.

If you called Mitch Hedberg at 11 o'clock, you wouldn't get that answer. From 9 to 12, he shut everything off. His house was empty. His window was open. He was pointed north. And he fucking wrote, you know. Getting divine in. Yeah, sometimes people, you know, they have the certain pattern to write.

I read about a lot of authors and some of them have the certain thing. Yeah, I mean, we had a way. Yeah, everybody has a certain way. But you have a way, it's sitting down and doing that fucking way and doing it. Right. I think everybody's looking for magic, right? They're looking for light switch to go off. But nobody wants to sit there long enough.

There's no fucking light switch. There's just you. You can't find this fucking office because this is a. small off. Good. So you're gonna go outside? No, you gotta leave the window open and you wanna fart. So you farted in here and you farted in here. That's a tape fart. I wish I did. Or fucking Lee fart. I didn't fart. Somebody fucking fart. Somebody fucking farted in this motherfucker. Remember I would fart though and blame you and Airbag. No, but everybody knew it wasn't me because you had that protein shit. I would start

loud. I had cocaine farts. You had way protein fart. That fart is a way protein fart. What's a coffee? Mixed with that fucking coffee and shit. Not me, baby. Way protein. farts it's disgusting it was the worst the worst was there I wanted to do a 7-11 with Eddie Bravo and he would hunt for stuff that had warnings on it and he'd say eat this Tate and it would be it'd be like certain sweeteners that had some shit in it that was horror I can't think of the fucking Nilever but they were the worst thing ever was but they were the worst fucking Texas and we're at the bonds and motherfucking nobles on the second floor and we're all sitting in chairs and I cut a fart in that

motherfucker that the whole place heard it and we all got up and walked out of Barnes and Noble. Like gentlemen. Like gentlemen. I blasted a fart and there. That was a loud one. See, I was good for loud ones. The stinky ones, you were the fucking most horrible.

And he would open the door, the window, come back two hours later and you could still smell the intestine of the fart. Like the middle of the fart. Like if you take a piece of shit and cut it in half, it smells completely different. Once you cut that, when you're walking down the street, sure it does. Sure it does. How many times you go to the bathroom and you take a poop and your shit breaks

in half and all of something like a real skunk comes out. Like one piece is so heavy on the, it's like a metal, it's like a steel bat. Like one piece is so heavy. It just breaks when it's in your muffling. You still got three years in your mouth. And it releases that Batman fucking smoke out of there. Horrible. Horrible. We got to get more fiber in that life. No, I always eat more fiber. That's why I don't fart like that. Do you still do the green stuff?

Which one? The protein drink? No, like just as just greens. I eat salads. There's some green thing that you were like... Yeah, I was drinking or something like that. Yeah. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

God, they all taste bad. They all taste fucking bad. I dope up every protein powder I get. Yeah. All of them tastes like that. I don't eat any of them. I put all that shit. Like, I do like amino acid sometimes, but I don't...

Like, I eat food. Like, and that's... Like, I don't really think... fuck with protein powders. Sometimes I'll do like a recovery one. A friend of mine makes it nice. But most of them give you gut problems. Like most of them are filled with some kind of crazy isolate that is fucked up

and makes your guts all bloated or twit. And I just, I'm like, I don't like it. Man, it doesn't make me feel good. And I don't think it has a benefit. I think we've been sold a big bill of goods about like how much protein. Like I think the supplement companies are really like. Oh, supplement companies make. Oh, dude.

A ton of money. You know, that's my next. business. Supplement. Sure. Why not? I got a great endurance one. I got fucking some good amino, all natural, all natural flavors.

Because all of them got cancer in them. And so we've got natural sweeteners, natural flavors, all that kind of stuff in them. We'll be out in a couple months. But yeah, man, I don't know. You asked about, like, I wouldn't do any of them businesses. I want to do any of the stuff. I don't look at it and go, here's the plan I'm going to take. I throw my hat over the fence and then I got to crawl over the fence to get my hat.

And I think that's how you get stuff done sometimes is because if I knew all the work that went into making like caveman coffee or pirate life podcast or like I wouldn't fucking do it. I want to take that on. I want to take all the headaches and the emotional stuff and the fucking try to get everybody's character and personalities together. It's a lot. But it's also then the thing that you built that you love and that you take care of like a baby. And you're like, this is a fucking cool thing that I have thought. I've thought the idea into the universe and made a thing. So it's kind of dope too.

Because I have the exact, right now I'm going through a period where I'm trying to get as much out as possible. So I can focus on only a couple things. Well, you're going to need to get an assistant. Well, no, I don't need an assistant. Now that you've gone into these six digits, I know where you're at, Lee. I know where you're at. Hopefully one day, but if I get an assistant before Joe gets, don't kill me. We don't need no fucking assistant.

That's the problem in this town is everybody needs a fucking assistant. At the end of the week, you can get yourself an intern. I went over on that, that Callan's deal and Brendan, and they got interns. And I'm like, what's an intern? They're like, they do all the work, and we don't put, like, it's like, you know what I mean? It's like, I was like, that's amazing. Like, they're like, yeah, it's fucking great. People are just learning the business or learning this and that.

They do all the work and we don't do. Wow. But my thing that would break my heart with that, I like people. I like working with people. and I would hate for that person to go, you know what, this don't serve me anymore, so fuck this, I'm not doing this either. Like, I would only want those positions

to segue into something where pretty soon you can be driving a BMW. You know what I mean? Like, I want to... That's a whole point of the internship. That's a whole... I mean, it's tough when you're in school, because if you're in school, you can't get a job.

But when you're a senior, when you're a senior, like, that's the hope is you'll intern there and then get a job offer. I don't want to... in here working for free number one not even in I don't want anybody working for free and number two I don't want nobody in here that's the beauty about that could be number one I don't want nobody in here I don't want nobody in here what's this guy that's San Lazzaro he's a saint of the dogs and shit those are the people we're gonna

kill Michael Vick that's why I didn't let him in a lot of federal prisons Cubans are real big in San Lazzaro so that's like so that's like St. Francis also like the the patron saint animals right yeah so but these guys go a little deeper they'll stab you and shoot you over fucking dogs yeah because the dogs lick Lazarus's legs and they licked his whatever disease he had i can't think about it right now anyway but uh yeah just same fucking uh he's kind of built i'm sure he was built he was 90 pounds he was a fucking bone and muscle you know what I'm saying that was fucking bone and muscle you know what I'm No, you know, Lee wants to start businesses.

What kind of businesses? That's the thing. We've been talking about it. And I have a few different ideas I'm going back and forth between. But then also, part of me, if I'm being honest, is I would love to do this for as long as I possibly can. Take whatever I make, go live in Vegas and not deal with anybody anymore. Just play, play cards. He wants to play and be a professional gambler.

So I tell him that he got the books and he goes to gamble three, four days a week. crazy if that's what he wants to do and who knows like I could always I could always do something it's I never thought like what you're saying with all the businesses you've done I never thought I'd be here so I could in six years I could be

in Alabama doing something who knows but right now what makes me happen like that's that's when I I see you a lot on Instagram and like I'm I hate I really did I really don't like when people tell me oh it's work it's not going to be fun

I really, I don't, I don't want to live my life like that. If you want to do something that's not fun. Yeah, I don't want to. So I would pick the things you love, Lee. Right, and I love this. And you know what? It's a huge, it's a huge gamble. It's a huge risk, but that's the most fun I, like, when I was thinking about it the other night?

I was like, when do I actually have fun? Because Joey gets mad at me. He's like, I stay home. I don't like a lot of stuff. I don't like a lot of stuff. I don't like a lot, but what I like. I moved his girlfriend, and now they really stay home to, every night or week yeah you know she don't want to do nothing she has to work at eight in the

morning so that puts him and it's like they can get away from each other they got like one room so i'm like lee you got to get out of the fucking house if now you're gonna end up stabbing the motherfucker i love casinos when people say they don't like Vegas i don't get it there's i love everything about it i even i've never smoked i smoked i smoked one cigarette in my life in jordan from a camp driver but that's yeah that's it i love when people smoke at the tables I love the smell of cigarettes. I don't drink. I drink every time I go to the casino.

I take two stars, two red stars, which does nothing to me. But it just calms me down a little bit. And I have the best time ever. If I, the thing I've actually started doing now, though, is I set a timer because I'll sit at the table all day because I love it. And that's when you lose your money. So I started saying like 30 minutes and 45 minute timers to see where I am and like take a break. But yeah, that's. If I really sit down and think about it,

I love everything about casinos. And I know most people hate it, and it's a lot of degenerates, but some of the best people that I meet and get to talk to and we're high-fiving and telling stories is people at blackjack tables. I think that everybody should have a job and then a journey.

You know, everybody has it. You don't want to keep getting falling down. Now in five years, you'll be producing films. Yeah. I mean, that's the progression. There's studios in Santa Fe. In three years, you're going to go, you know what? I don't want Keanu Reeves arm barring me again.

I'm done with this shit. I'll fucking kick him in the stomach and end it from. You know what I'm saying? How many times from Keanu Reeves fucking choke me? I'll fuck him. Yeah. So one day you go, fuck this shit, and everybody evolves, man. But at the end of the day, it's a journey.

I was telling you, when you came in, you asked me, and I told you the fucking truth. And I always had natural aptitude. Right and I can always make a buck like growing up I always knew how to make a buck from fucking day one I knew So you know when I was 27 I was fucking frustrated I was frustrated yeah, you know I was making Before I got locked up the year and a half before I got luck

I was making anywhere from three to seven thousand dollars a month in those days my rent was four fifty I had four roommates in bold You know what I'm saying? I'm making $4,000, $5,000 a month, and I'm spending $700 a month at the house. The rest was on blow, dry cleaning, and booze. I would get high,

and at 2 in the morning, I'd knock on the roommate's door and give her a stab and eat a pussy. And then go back to my room like nothing happened. You know what I'm saying? A dream. The specter. You know, but it was so fucking weird

how I started making that money. I was making $800 a fucking month washing cars and they asked me to start selling cars And one day I went from the first day I sold cars I made $1,000 and I was like, I called the details shopping I'm never coming back Well, you guys were paying me in a month I made him one fucking day Every month after it was brand new Subaru's in Boulder

Come on guy Yeah yeah yeah yeah unless you're retarded you're not gonna make fucking no money and fucking Bolsey you know I ran into one of the best salesman ever today Like we were just sitting out. I was taking those stupid pictures, but we were just sitting out there, and the guy from the Sprint store came out

and was like, you know, what would really make your pictures look really good? An iPhone 7S from Sprint. And then he started going. He's like, you know what? I can see your life is on your phone. Like, he just started going at me and Joe Perez for like five minutes. But he fucked up.

Why? He ain't the best salesman in the world. Because me, I would have gone out there with the camera taking pictures. Don't, bro. See what I'm saying? God. See what I am.

That's where the amateurs fucking fail. And right there, I would have had you outside with numbers. What are you paying for that right now? Let me do this. Have you seen the commercial? Right there. You sell on your feet and your clothes on your ass. You understand me?

I wouldn't have fucking told you that would have been worked better. I would have came out with the phone, taking the fucking pick and then showed it to you and competitive to you. And now I got you. I got my hooks on you. Let's go with. Maybe you have a sprint phone? I get your two phones for the price of one.

It's Wednesday. Now I got you and Joe Perez all fucked up. My job as a salesman is to keep you fucked up. Yeah, keep you interested. Keep you fucked up. I just think as long as I could get it. Like, I used to sell roofs and like siding and shit. And we sell, in Denver, we'd do storm sales.

After the storm chases, yeah. And I go, man, if I'm sitting on their couch, having a glass of water, I got a contract. And so that would be my only goal. I want to try to sell the house. I would just go, I'm just trying to get on that couch. If I can get welcomed in their home, make them feel comfortable, I'm good. I'm good. Yeah.

Listen, now, leave your card. We got your estimate, and we'll call you back on a week. And within three days, they call you back. Or sometimes that day you leave with a fucking deposit. I love selling roofs. That was fun, man. Selling roofs was something I did for about 18 months that was keeping. me from shooting motherfuckers.

Okay, it was my tail end. A couple of last months in the halfway house. I got out of there, but I was still on community corrections. And I had two brother-in-laws that were, you know, they were like, I hate to say this, but they were like

acclaimed roofers. Like all day long, people would fucking come on the roof and go, listen, we got this roof over on federal and this and this, and they knew it. They had been doing it for the same company since they was 16 years old and now they were both in their fucking mid 30s and they knew everything I mean our crew in those days we did a a ballasted roof when you do rocks on it but you have to we would

do 40 square a day two roof tear up lay down insulation and five of us it was unheard of but they were geniuses they knew like seven to three 30 they didn't believe in overtime and people go how the fuck do this every day the rock came at three while we were stone the those two animals would be flashing they didn't believe in overtime they wouldn't pay it and they wouldn't work it crazy so everything they did was by the fucking eyeball it was the most brilliant two but they were socially the one guy they called him the prowler because he wouldn't go home oh my old brother-in-law tom was a great guy but i think he still has the record in colorado for the ui Wow.

Like 18 or something. Like somebody told me three years ago, I talked, I still talked to one of the roofers I was partners with and he goes, yeah. And the other guy was genius material but had no social skills. Right. But he would go on a roof, he would buy a quarter pound of weed and smoke it in the week because he would bring a bong in his jacket in the winter. It was the craziest thing I ever saw.

And my ex-brother-in-laws, my ex-brother-in-laws with dynamite motherfuckers. motherfuckers. You ever talk to any of them again? No. Or to X or nothing like that? I called the X two years ago. I had the baby. The baby was two years. You know, and I called the X and I said, listen, this is what's going on. You know, we're squared up. What do I need to do for me to talk to my daughter? She goes, she's still upset about her grandfather and her and her boyfriend broke up. She'll call you in a few days. That was two years ago. Yeah.

I called the back, asked her again. Didn't have an answer. So I'm still on the fence on that decision. You know, I mean, I don't talk to my ex-anythings. I mean, nothing. That relationship ended 20 years ago when I almost got them thrown off a roof in Jersey because the wife was busting my ex-wife was busting my balls. So for me to flex my muscles, they had a roofing company in Jersey.

but they were using like non-union roofing so I called a friend of mine to rough them up a little bit go up on the roof and tell him you have to take the fucking that really decapitated me with the family there's one brother-in-law that he's from Jersey and he's tight that motherfucker still hasn't friended me back on Facebook there's still a friend request sent from like every year he says no just hanging in the closet just hanging around there was nope not today motherfuckering joe When I got out of that, when I got out of that marriage, it's sent ripples true. And I feel bad because her parents are really nice people and they're very good to me. So I think about them all the time.

In fact, in that fucking movie The accountant, the guy's name was Ray King. Oh, yeah. That was his name, Ray King. They were very good to me, man. So I always feel guilty about that. I still have my anger issues about the X, Y, because there's some issues that people have with them. there's some issues that people have. Right.

I was raised not to let somebody have the better half of you. You know, she pretty much yanked that kid from me. What have I done? You know what I am? Sure. Yeah. 20 years ago, they would have been in a fucking hole. But my goal, to be honest, was to come out here.

And if shit didn't work out on the way back east, I was going to stop over and stab them both. I mean, that was the plan. At that point, if you're going to go, go deep. Okay. We've won't. I hope we've all learned something from Pablo Escobar. He blew up a plane.

You want to fuck with me? I'll blow up a fucking plane. But look what happened to him and you're still here. Yeah, but the situation was, that's how angry I was. I'm not that angry no more. You know what, man? Who knows what would happen between me and my daughter now? Who the fuck knows?

You know, who the fuck knows? It's been God knows since I talked to it. There's some stuff, man. It's like that's the thing. It's like that's either a stopping point or a starting point. And I was talking to a friend last night and like, talking about like, oh, do you ever still be like ashamed of the ways that you've been or ways of being or et cetera, et cetera?

And I go, I go, no, I go, but, you know, there's some stuff that you just got to live with. There's some stuff you can't make better. You can just be more available, be better suited to be helpful if you could be helpful. But there's some shit that fucking you're pennant. Like that, that whole thing, I go, you know, you're not punished for the sin at, some certain fucking date. There ain't no judgment day, man. You're punished by the sin. Right now by doing it.

When your awareness pops and your consciousness rises, you're at a point where the thing tortures you, and that's why you don't act those ways. And like, and some stuff you just got to swallow and you've got to live with it. And then I think, you know, I think the same thing.

You just be able to. I tell myself six days a week that I'm going to swallow it and live with this with my DNA. Do you know what I'm saying? Like Nietzsche said, a man without a plan is not a man. I'm in no danger of dying in a prison, nor do I want to. I have finally normalized my life this November.

I did the biggest goal of my life because I thought I got off that white fucking devil. Something I did for 37 of my 54 fucking years and did it well and did it constantly and did it with no I didn't give a fuck That's what I want You know You're one of those I only know a couple guys like you Like maybe two

That they go so deep With the powder That there ain't no skinny fat Like they're the heaviest dudes That I'd known Like weight wise Like poundage like 400 pounders And they would do coke

They would eat a plate of spaghetti And I was like I don't like I'm watching something I think is physically impossible And you're one of those guys man like it's i can never do coke and eat but the metabolism changes to where you can keep the weight come on and be doing powder at the same time by the boatload i didn't do powder and that my my

my the thing that saved me for years was i was never a daytime guy huh i was not a daytime guy i wasn't a bumper all day somebody had that right those are like salesmen or something right those are new year those are car salesman and shit yeah if if in 37 years okay in 37 years you is if I did Coke 25 times in the daytime, it meant that I couldn't wait. Like, I was the type of person that it... And it meant it was going all night. Oh, yeah.

If it went from the night before, that's something completely. That don't count. Right, right. I'm talking about... I worked with guys like Rob Daniel. I worked with this guy that would get into work with a lunchbox

with bags under his eyes. He would sleep all night. But from seven to four, when he was doing construction, It was straight on. It was something that I had never seen before. Right. You know, it was like in the 70s when you'd watch TV

and I came to your office. First thing you did, without even asking, was turn around. No, you didn't offer. You put two ice cubes in the glass, you poured, and you gave it to me. There was no offer. And I wouldn't say, no, not today. I drank the fucking thing.

You know, I knew people that were doing Coke all day long. Number two, again, this is what I never understood. I started comedy July 18th and 1991. Same Paddy's Day. 1992, I did a show with Troy Baxley, and to be the cool MC, I brought a gram of blow. Didn't work out for me. Never did blow and went on stage.

I did blow the night before and went on stage. Now, if you do blow three nights in a row and you go on stage, you're not going to be you. Big difference. But I never sat in the comedy store and got on stage. Right. That never happened. Because there's no...

You'd wait to get a package after or something. The package would be in my pocket burning a hole that motherfucker. If you don't remember, that in between the rooms, the green room with Joe Rogan, that in between, I couldn't wait until the second show started. Because I would bring Joe up and I wouldn't even say goodbye to you motherfuckers. Bye. It's not even... No, there was no goodbye. Where Joey go?

And then you guys would text me, page me, and there was no calling nobody back. Not once got a text back. Not once. Nothing. You're in no danger. When I was snorting and I was on my way home. Maybe we'll see him on the plane, I guess, on the way back. Yeah, he would knock on the door on the way down. Joey, you're coming, yeah.

And I'd be clean. I wouldn't be, you know, sometimes I'd stop snorting at two and we would get on the plane at like nine or something like that. I'd start snorting at six in the morning. We would get on the plane at 11. There were those situations. But it was so weird how the...

I was always a nighttime guy. At 8 o'clock on the way to the storm. I would pick it up, put it in my pocket, my right top pocket. I would dangle, I would dangle, I would talk to you the whole time. I'd just be looking at you, but thinking, when is this motherfucker going to get out of my face? So I could get on stage and do this fucking spot. Because once I do that spot, I'm coming right out here,

and I'm doing the line, and I'm going to go into that bar and get a drink, and that's the rest of my fucking night. And guess what? Fucking Lee gave me the fort he owed me. So I'm going to buy another two packages. I mean, that was my line day. That was my life. Who am I kidding?

So it was for me to think about November 8th of this year and think to myself, it was 10 years since I last did a line of Coke. Something that I would snort. When I first got into comedy, I made myself a deal. I said, if I'm going to do this, the other thing I'm not going to wrestle with is this cocaine decision. I'm not going to do that tape. I did a year of that

All right guys Tonight's my last night of cocaine guys This is it No and I wouldn't even snort with people at the end I would say it to myself This is the last night I never did that There was a day I looked at myself in the mirror

And said I'm a junkie This is who I am And this is what I'm gonna do I know I can't snort seven days away But I'm gonna go Let me give it the old Yankee try I'm going for three nights

And that's what I did I was very content doing coke three, four nights a week and sleeping three nights. I was very content because I knew that's what I was going to do. I wasn't going to wrestle with it no more. The only time I wrestled with it

was my last two years. That was the worst ever. That was the worst. When I knew it had to stop for many reasons, it had to stop for the comedy, it had to stop for my relationship, it had to stop for my heart,

it had to stop for the sleep back, happening it just had to stop there was no towards the end the last maybe nine months I was getting electric shocks in my spine in the middle of the night that's when you know it's not good crazy I'm talking like just out of the blue no shit yeah no no no and then it started getting upper and higher and higher and at one point I started feeling like just in my fucking neck and I think it was two months after that and a sharp pain right over here. Nobody would argue or you were healthy.

Oh, no. Remember when that other head was going on your shoulder? The fuck was that? That was a fucking fat ball. That's what you said that, too? We got the same science today. It was a fat ball. That's all it was.

It was a fat, a ball of fat that wasn't tumor or cancer. Did you get it checked out ever? Yeah, I got it taken out. Okay, I didn't know. I don't know if it just went away on the floor. What happens is when you have sleep apnea, your body goes into shock at night when you can't breathe. So all this cortisol is released into your body at night. And that's why when you see people over 300 pounds, 350, there's a point where you could go up to them.

You don't even need to be a neurosurgeon or a doctor there. A point you go up to them, tap them on the back and go. You got about six months before this stroke happens and it's all downhill after that. It's a life of misery. you get that fat developing around this region. You see a lot of people in the Midwest. You go to Texas, you see big guys, but they have a little ball. That's where the...

Cortisol. Gets compacted. When you see people, they got that hunch on their back, once that hunch starts coming and they're about 360, they definitely got sleep apnea. That's why they got the hunch, the hump, because the cortisol develops right there. And that's why when you see people over 400 pounds,

that fucking slunching, that's just a ball of cortisol. And to really separate that, you've got to stop putting your body into this danger. It's got to be, you know, every time you choke at night, your body's in fucking danger. So you think that curing your sleep apnea that settled out a lot of stuff? Well, when you don't sleep, you know, people think...

You don't ever recover. There's no... No, I always don't have... Four hours last night for that. You're not recovered. You don't recover. So not only does it throw off your glands and all, but it throws off your metabolism.

Right. So you don't burn off as much fat. April or March of 2000, of 2000, a friend of mine got a deal. And I got an audition for a mobster, and I had no money, and I contacted him. And I said, listen, I'm going to bind. I got a great opportunity for a commercial.

but I don't have a suit to wear and he took me and bought me three suits in March of 2000 beautiful suits tailored to be a suit guy used to that was your thing no no I'm a mobster I'm a mobster I don't want to you know you got to wear different looks when you go for a commercial and you go for a mob commercial you got to wear a white shirt but when you go for a movie or a TV show and you're a mobster you go wearing a other color shirt There was different things, but that's not the point of the story. The point of the story, Tate was, like, again, you're my brother. In March, he bought me three suits.

In May, tailored suit, tailored suit, all three pants. Nobody takes this to the laundry. Right. I gained such an amount of weight than in May they were three inches away. Wow. And I was so embarrassed to take him back to the tailor because he was going to go, what happened? There was a point where I went from zero to 60. Like I went from lurking at 285 to 360.

Crazy. Like just a month, six weeks, 360. At that point of my life, I was doing coke four or five nights a week. I was smoking cigarettes. Yeah. I was drinking sodas. And there was no sleep. The sleep apnea wouldn't let me sleep.

The fear had intimidated me so much that I would take five or six. I'd start it with four, Tiling LPMs. And let's say I would lay down at 12.15. By 1.15, the sleep apnea would wake me up, and I would just stay up the rest of the night. Fuck. On those Tylenol P.m.

I'd go call for a gram a blow, eat some anxiety medication. Fuck. Oh, yeah. My wife, you come over and talk to my wife. If you tell my one, one of the first things I had to do was pay for a carpet in that first apartment because I kept falling to sleep at night with cigarettes in my hand. My wife would wake up every night kicking a cigarette, turning it off in the carpet. The whole carpet was filled with cigarette burns.

You thought a junkie lived there. He did, but not a heroin junkie. I was a Coke junkie that could not sleep at night from the town all P.Ms. So I would nod out and then wake up. And in those days, Tate, I was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. And then I'd buy three packs of camel lights at night. And I wouldn't go to bed until those three packs of camel lights were gone. Holy fuck.

Oh, we could, when you saw that picture at the, I remember during the longest year when I met you, you brought me oxygen to put my sleep at me machine, that the doctor would come in every day. And we'd have to force the documentation. Because the producers told them if my blood pressure was ever high in a certain amount, I wasn't allowed to fucking be in that movie. So that guy would sit with me for an hour every day. Do you remember that guy? That's how bad a shape I was in during the longest yard.

I met you. I was like, he might die this evening. I mean, you're over there. I remember the first time we were talking, you're on a picnic table, you're rapping fucking ready to die or something. and you're rapping a whole album and then that who played that tranny

was over there Tracy Morgan was with me in the beginning the whole time he followed me like a savage I had him tip top McHugh That was awesome man And then like you

And Heather brought me the Chloridin and stuff The oxygen And I started putting that Because it was a high altitude I was a mess 90 degrees Fucking 100 degrees

7,000 feet altitude. We, an easy 350. At that time, 390. By the time the movie rapped, I was about

415. Those pastrami sandwiches were a motherfucker. Once we got up here, they were a motherfucker. That was not very good. No, man.

They remember going to the YMCA getting on the scale. They gave you a free evaluation when you joined. And the guy put the scale on point. and I couldn't do two minutes on the treadmill

I couldn't walk two minutes on the treadmill the guy told me I had to go get in shape outside he goes I he goes how do you live you can't even breathe it's a brighter day man it's a brighter day we're very lucky so it's gonna be 10 years that's in far as my I'm concerned I've been sober for 10 years I've done more in 10 years

than I did in 37 isn't amazing like that's all always trips me out when I look at like doing what seems like the hard thing or the frustrating thing and I'm like well my life rocketed after that you know and you always knew it fuck you always knew it why you had that syringe in your arm or that line of cold or you were taking that pill you always knew that you or like you said just sit down and write you know when you just finally do it and sit down and you're like oh beauty comes out of this pen it was something that it was like a living and a fucking living hell like I made it to see

When I was 16 or 17, I wanted to do coke. And somebody said, okay, you want to do coke? I'm gonna give you fucking coal. Because I couldn't get away from it, Tate. Like there was five years there, where everywhere, like Tate said to me, are you coming to New Mexico? Stay at my friend Eddie's house, okay. Eddie's cool as shit, but guess what his roommate did for a job?

So blow. That was my life. I could bump into cocaine on Mars. I was one of those guys, not heroin, not speed. I could find cocaine fucking anywhere within two minutes anywhere I moved

there was a cocaine dealer somewhere around there that was I always knew it one time I actually moved with a guy before I got sentenced the guy when I left that apartment where I got picked up I moved with a roommate

and I'm almost so I'm sitting there one day and people coming over is now but yeah Joey this is Tate how you doing Tate about how you doing and all of some 15 minutes later

another guy would come over. And then that night I go up to my room and I come back at 10 and two people had just left. And then I would wake up at 3 to drink water and he'd be up downstairs. Yeah, and after about a week I figured out, oh my God, this guy

sells fucking blow. So I'm about to get sentenced for doing blow. Right. And I move in with a drug dealer that's from my neighborhood, just 20 years old. I went to the Vietnam War. And it got to the point where every night I would watch him watching TV and I would open up his closet and I'd go in his jacket pocket and I'd

take out the ounce he would bring up only and I'd take a rock out put it back in his pocket that's how easy he got like this could only happen to me like this could only happen to me not only do I move him with a drug dealer but I know where his stashes right that was the little stash yeah his big stash was in the garage and paint cans that's where he would put the kilos and break him up into four different paint cans but he would do that coat he was a free baser. So this is where it gets even worse. I would monitor him completely. Like I knew when the guy came with the package, I knew when the cash was going out because the cash, it was all run through a bodybuilding gym in Acapulco, Mexico. Oh my God, you have no idea. Crazy. So this guy, his father,

was a doctor, physical trainer, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And supposedly he would come up here with prescriptions and things. Right. But hidden in those prescriptions was 20 kilos of blow. And he would do that every fucking month, except for the summer months, because that's when that part of Mexico would be busy or the winter months. So for six months, he would ship him, like, what do you get rid of a month? A kilo.

Okay, so every month I'm going to give you two kilos. You don't have to pay me for one. But then once comes November, you're not going to say me until June. Right. So when I come back, you better have my money for the six kilos. So there was a time when I'd be living upstairs and downstairs there'd be six kilos. Fucking wild. So then I would watch him.

And I'd hear him free basing. By this time, the cat was out of the bag. I knew what he did. I kept playing it off like I didn't do coke. Like I did Coke once in a while. He thought I was like an athlete, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I would wait for him to start free basing. He would go through that whole bag.

So I would listen for him. I would get up at like six in the morning and if I would go on his jacket. The jacket pocket was empty. That means he had gone through that bag and he broke into the kilo. So I would, my car was out in front of the garage. So I would come down, open him to garage.

He'd be in there free basin. And I'd find the can because the can would be sloppy. And I'd open up that can. And at this point, I'd just stick my hand to it. And I'd just pull out a fucking boulder. and I take it with me and I break it up at the Hurts place and I'd sell it

and that's how I was making a living by taking this fucking blow, disgusting. I'd stealing it and snorting it but I would come home that night and he'd be there all depressed and I go what happened?

He'd go I want on a two-bender I want on a two-day bender I'm not gonna get this money and I go what are you talking about and he'd go I did it put an ounce and a half a Coke

he didn't do an ounce and a half ounce I took an ounce with me Yeah. He was so fucked up that he didn't know. I mean, it was... But this could only happen to me this shit. Jesus.

Like, these are the shit that was happening everywhere to me. Like, anywhere I turned to blow was right there. And he gets that vibration. Yes, it is. You put out of cocaine vibration, you know? Yes, it is. You put out of sex vibration. You put out...

Like, whatever the thing is that resonates in you the most, man, that shit draws to you. And let me tell you something. That's true. It's like nobody ever came to me and asked me if I want to do heroin. Right. When you do heroin, The universe makes you bump into heroin people. When you do meth, yeah, I've had people ask me if I want to do meth.

In fact, I bought meth a couple times since I couldn't find coke. Yeah, but that was what, till today, gets me weird. Here's the thing that killed me about cocaine. Sissy, the cat that died last year, we had it for 10 years. The first seven years she was around, I did Coke. She wouldn't even have contact with me. A week after I stopped doing Coke, she became my favorite cat of all. I couldn't get her off me.

That cocaine energy, she felt it as a cat. And she stopped fucking with me. So the moral of the story is... Cats now. If you're doing fucking tututsu-so-roots. Stop doing tut-sor-roots. That's the fucking moral of the story right there. I'm happy you motherfuckers got together here.

Yeah, that's it. They listen. And people know, whatever you're doing, when you're drunk on alcohol and you're fucking in a hole, you know what the answer is. We all know it, bro. Sure. You know, today, everybody, and what's the name?

That's too, because there's so much help around. There's so many fucking, I mean, find your answers when you want them. Me and you've been down, me and you were down a great fucking road. If somebody pulled up to us with the fucking hand of life, we still turn them down. It wasn't until we made our decision that our lives change. We got help.

You know what I did? I told me once, I go, man, I love to have, all the gifts you got, guy, I fucking love. And he goes, he goes, fuck that kid. He goes, your gifts are going to be better because they're going to be yours. And that is the thing, man. Don't ever want for anybody else's life, man. Yours is the one that fits.

Lee, what did you think of a massage from Zeal? You got it a couple days, what, for Valentine's Day? Yeah, the weekend of Valentine's Day. It was my first massage ever. I never had one, and I was a little nervous. And they sent two of them. Yeah, we got a couple of massage. One for your wife.

That was tremendous. And would you do it again? I would do it immediately. I would do it. It was a great experience. I have never, I've never been to a spa, but I really enjoyed having them come to my place. I enjoyed any want to know why. The main reason, I was in, I was so relaxed and so calm after the massage, the thought of getting in my car and driving 30 minutes after that. I was like, I don't want to do that. So they do host service. They do, like, service to your house. They come to your house. That's so fucking tremendous. Another big thing,

which they mentioned, which I think would be great. rate is a hotel. That's a big, that's what I think would be really great. I love to have it in my place, but my place is an apartment. So a couple of times I'd hear some people outside, but if I was in like a nice hotel, like a little set back, the room's a little set back, have them come right to your thing. You get sheets from the concierge, or they can bring sheets. They have, they had music. They had oil, this, we had two of them. One was a little bit younger. One was a little bit older. I had the older one. And so there's something. about me like I judge people by their if their hands are warm she had the most warm

loving it was it was the best hour I've ever had that's awesome you know what the best thing about that is everybody loves massages but nobody gets them why because either the spa's closed or you're booked when you want one or trying to get there and sitting in traffic just destroys your day well introducing zeal where you can book a five-star top quality massage at a time that works for you in the most convenient place of all. Your house. Who's better than you? Whether your back hurts or you're running

after the kids or your muscles are sore, Zeal brings you the same day in-home massages with the best license and massage therapists right to your home. Think again, an in-home massage is something only available to the rich

and famous. Think again. Zeal is the perfect solution for anyone who wants a high quality massage and they can of their own home. If you want a good massage, but you don't have the time to get one, have the massage come to you with Zeal. You pick at the time, the location, and have your next massage on demand at home. You understand me? Just go to Zeal.com or on Zeal's iPhone or Android app. That's Zeal, spelled Z-E-E-E-L.com, and select your top local license and pre-E-E-E-L-L-com. And select

Prescreened massage therapist. Choose your favorite technique, gender preference, time, and location of your massage Zeele will send one of the 8,000 licensed massage therapists with a massage table, music, and supplies to give you a five-star massage. Schedule, booking, payment is fast and easy. Seven days a week, 365 days a year. A Zeal massage therapist can be at your door in as little as an hour. Find out for yourself why Zeal has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Vogue, and on Good Morning America. Bring the spot to you and Zeal today. Really? Today, they're on demand. You can have the best massage of your life in your home with Zeal today.

To help you get started, our listeners get $25 off their first massage by using the promo code, Church, C-H-U-R-C-H at Chekka. That's Zeal, spell Z-E-E-L.com, and then make sure to click add promo code and check out to use my code church, C-H-U-R-C-H. Right now, go to Zeal.com or on Zeal's iPhone or Android app and get a special offer when you try Zeal today. Enter Pro-Como promo code church and check out, and you get $25 off your first in-home massage on. the man, you understand me. Give it a shot. Number two, I've been telling you about these people for a long time. If you don't have one by now, shame on you. Nobody wants to walk around with a fucked up-looking asshole. Let's pretend you're bump into somebody and they want to do the new

style of the rusty trombone they're doing in fucking France right now. But your asshole stinks like 10 dead fucking farts. What are you going to do then? Nothing. You can't get that fucking rusty trombone. But now, with Tushy, you could get whatever you want done to your asshole. Let's pretend next year. It's a beautiful world we live in. And you're asking why? Because Tushie's a Biday. Hello, Tushy Bidays are back, bitches.

You know what a bidet does for you? It washes out your little muffler. And they're portable. You can snap them right to your house. You got a 60-day guarantee if something goes bad, but it won't. Because nobody's better than you. Nobody has better pepper than step and more confidence when your asshole is clean. You understand me?

Some people have a car. Some people find confidence in different things. Me, myself, if my asshole smells good, I'm to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-ts. I'm ready to fucking go. Now, also having a bidet cleans your muffler from fucking hemorrhoids. It prevents fucking shit growing down there. Plus, you can watch the back or your nutsack, and that's always fucking good right there, all right?

Anytime your genitalia can be fresh and sparkly, you win. Go to hellopushy.com right now. Press in. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get 10% off. You understand me? And if you get two, you get free shipping.

One for her bathroom and one for your bathroom. Some guys like to eat pussy fresh. If you do, get her a bidet. Me, I like to eat it after you run too. miles not three little two mile run a little yoga that monkey got some fucking wang to it you know what not two and a half speak to me oh toothless one go to hello tushy dot com right now and press in church get 10% off your order you bad motherfuckers i love you we'll see you next week and i want to thank audit.com right now go to on it right now and get yourself some of that

hemp force protein the cocault or get yourself some of some shrews. or get yourself some new mood, it's going to fucking help you out. Go to honor.com and press in. Church. Bam! C-H-U-R-C-H, get 10% off delivered to your house. Who's better than you? I want to thank Audit.

I want to thank Zeal and I want to thank Tushy for fucking sponsoring the podcast tonight. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys. Do not forget next week, start, not next week. The week after that, March 16th. Alderm. Magoobies, Baltimore, Bich. I'm coming back. Get that crack ready.

Number two. At the end of the month, I'm up in Nyack, New York, and Lemley Live. 3-3 through April 1st. Get your tickets now. I want to thank my main Tate Fletcher for coming out. Yeah, yeah. Drink the fucking coffee.

He's all right nine businesses. Go to his webpage. You'll tell you all about it. Check out my name, Tate Fletcher. Check out Pirate Life Podcast. Pirate Life Podcast. Or Cave Man Coffee, yo. Or Cave Man Coffee, yo.

bars, massage parlors, Tate's got it all. You understand? He's got more jobs than the fucking Jamaican. I want to thank my main man, Lee Syatt, and we'll see you guys

on the Lord's Day Sunday afternoon with a surprise guest. See you next week. Thank you for listening. Stay black, you bad motherfuckers. I'm like an immigrant. I got so many jobs. Please.

If you don't have 10 jobs, you're doing there.