The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #461 - Fahim Anwar

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Fahim Anwar, a standup comedian and actor seen in "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot,"  joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.    Fahim has a new special, "There's No Business Like Show Business," which premiers March 9th, 2017 on Seeso.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron - Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first three meals free and free shipping! Lyft - Sign up to drive at Lyft.com/joey and find out how you qualify to get a $500 new driver bonus.  Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 03/05/2017.  

This podcast is bought to you by Blue Apron. The show is presented by on it. This podcast is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. They're amazing. I just got my dad. I got him a whole new kitchen set up so he can try it. He's really excited.

I love it. He loves it. You're going to love it. Go to blueapron.com right now slash Joey. And you're going to get your first three meals for free. with free shipping. That's blue apron.com slash joey. This show is also brought to you by Lyft. Go to Lyft.com slash Joey today and sign up to drive for Lyft.

Lift drivers can make up to $35 an hour, and getting started is just a tap away. Sign up today at lift.com slash Joey. And when you complete 100 rides in 30 days, you're going to get a $500 driver bonus. That's lift.com slash joey. Joey. Oh shit. Get your Monday started, bitches. Here we go.

Black people jumping up and down. Oh shit. That's as good as it gets. Oh shit. It's going to be a good day, Cotsuckers. Orange guitar coming at you. Cooling the motherfucking gang.

What? Fahin Anwar. Uncle Joey Diaz. and my little Jewish Goomba Lee Syed. Here we go, cocksuckers. I've been bumping this way before Pulp Fiction, Coxuckers, with black people smoking chocolate tieweed and shit. Jesus fucking Christ.

Jesus fucking Christ. Two joints and some jungle boogie. Who's better than fucking you on a Monday morning? Uncle Joey here, my main man, Faheen Anwar. A badass fucking comedian from the store that I look. cat and I go Jesus Christ he's a savage some nights he's got long hair some he's got a hat on I don't know who the fuck he is and I got my main man Lisa yeah how was your weekend dog oh you I had dabs last night I actually went out and was like an actual

human being last night I went to someone's house when we went to Vicki Pazzo and we grilled dabs are they have dabs now you don't have to have like the whole rig they just have like the part that you that you smoke it through and they hit they have the torch those those are fun I don't know why I don't know I don't know I I don't know why either. I don't even know why the fuck I ask you. Anyway, they're fun. Wait the eyebrows go on fire and you're spitting fucking blood. The only one who's going to burn my eyebrows off is you. You always have the lighter on like the highest setting. I don't know how you can like jerry rig your lighters. I've never seen lighters.

I only fucking lighters that's provide a lot of fire. You know what I'm saying? Those little fucking lighters. Like the butane ones? Yeah. I know exactly how to juice those things up like a mini bike. No, he doesn't have a butane one. He has the regular ones. He has the regular ones. I know exactly. Once they get low, I get those motherfucketain. I get those motherfacinckykechee. I don't know. That's a low one right there, but this is my travel one. In case the plane goes down, boom, I got a little lighter and shit. You always got to have lighters on the plane. I don't play it by that fucking rules.

Were you ever a zippo guy? What's a zippo? Oh, one of those metal ones where you can, you know, the top flips up. There's too much drama. I bought one in high school just to do all the tricks. Me too, yeah. Yeah, I would YouTube, it was like so nerdy just to like YouTube how to flip them around. You know, I think it's a painy ass.

I've got to take a tube once a week and fill it up. Yeah. God knows who's smoking around me. Next thing you know, my apartment's blowing up. Just give me the fucking blue lighter there, $0.99. Yeah, but it's kind of cool that once you just spark it, it's on. You don't have to hold the thing down. It's classic.

It's got advantages. Listen, when I get a blow torch? I got a blow torch in my truck. I don't know. I just like these little things. You get rid of them. You throw them away. Those are the gold standard, though.

They're so easy and cheap. I don't want to. You know, people get mad at me. You need to use a string when you smoke around. I want, leave me alone. You know, the hempwork kind of guy? Yeah, hemp work. Leave me the fuck alone.

I'm just trying to put the pieces together, smoke dope. I gave up edibles for lent. That's it. You know, listen, guys, there's no reason why I should be opening up a show with 1,500 milligrams of T. I mean, that's just fucking animalistic type shit. I came to terms with myself about 10 days ago. What am I doing? I went home one night and ate like a fucking other three stars I had in the desk.

By 1 o'clock, I couldn't even go to sleep. Shit was running through my mind. You went home from a podcast? They ate more stars. Like one night I went home from a podcast, and I wasn't tired, so I blasted 600 more milligrams. It's like 2,100 milligrams.

The next morning I woke up, I couldn't do nothing all day. I was like, God, my kidneys hurt and shit. My gallbladder hurts. I'm like, this has to stop. This has to stop. I got to switch the pills. I got to do something.

I got to get like a Puerto Rican fucking pharmacist to hook me up with something just to, it's a fucking nightmare. Then you go online. You get pills online. Did you know that? Yeah. Oh yeah, I'm from Canada.

It takes like a week. Well, you don't need a prescription or anything. They just send you whatever. No, they send you whatever. I haven't done it, but I heard, like, whenever I go to, like, those porn sites, they have ads for it. Like the generic Seattle. You can buy it for, like, 10 cents a pill. I think it's just Canadian pharmacies and they just somehow...

I mean, how do you know you're not getting fucked, though? Oh, yeah, you have no idea. I'm scared of too. It's a low milligram. They got your address. Next thing they can send you a fucking bomb. I don't need this shit in my life. What happened to the fucking dude in the corner shaking with scabs on this?

You're like a brick and mortar, that shady guy. Listen, that's why I didn't, for years I held out in the medical marijuana license. They started making good edibles because I always thought that took the suspense out of it. The whole suspense is going to a dealer's house and being all creepy and going through your car and hiding in the trunk. The ritual. Yeah, and driving home and stopping and getting a six-pack and rolling papers and lighters and ice cream. You know, you walking into a store, but now what the fuck? Now it's at your doorstep.

Yeah, now it's at your fucking doorstep. But that took type of, that took a little bit of that, puttois off, that making your heartbeat. That's what you're doing, to be illegal. You know what I'm saying? So who the fuck knows? What's in your world? Talk to me.

What do I got? I don't know, man. Just, you know, stand up, see you out and about, been doing that, and then the special coming out, trying to promote that, and audition every now and then, you know, same thing. So you grew up in Seattle? Yeah, from Seattle. High school, the whole fucking thing.

Yeah, elementary. Were you around for grunge? I was, but I was in, like, the heyday, like, uh, but I'm 94. How old were you three? No, I'm, I'm born in 84, so. Really? Yeah, so nine. That was that park they would go to Pearl Jam, that big part. What, what?

With the, with the metal tubes and shit. Wait, what do you mean? This is the poster of, oh, there's like a famous Pearl Jam poster or something. Yeah, and this, but I went to that park. I brought, I was on Seattle heavy from the U district. Yeah, I went to University of Washington. No, yeah, yeah, I was there. He used to rent the paddle boats.

Okay. Oh, yeah. On Lake Washington? Yeah. That's awesome. That's awesome stuff. The summers. Seafar?

Or did you do Seafar? Seafair. I went to the fucking place to watch the concerts at that gorge. The gorge. Oh, the gorge. Yeah. The gorge. I did a lot of that shit up there.

I was a starving comic up there. I lived with a stripper. And like you, we got to. Well, I didn't live with a story. No. I lived with my parents. It was a little more straight lace. We got the mean, I met, Ron,

Reed and uh yeah i remember wrong run's great the other guy what's it Carl womanhoven i lived down the beach uh sea beach what is it Hacayi oh Al Qai oh man that's that's a dope place you're right man right on the beach when there was Taco Tuesdays up the corner at the biker bar and what about that chicken terriaki place you talked about yeah with Josh Wolfe there was it right next to Swanies brother was a chicken tarioles still there or no I don't know it's been 20 years the warrant it's a motherfucker I can't make it come back in Seattle because that fucking warrant but you know what man I think it's time to call Greg Powers and Lynn and get the warrant for I want to go visit Ivan Salivary who'd be nice to go

back up there and walk around yeah I like it that was a great little place it was just one of those places for me that it was just a bad it was the tail end of my bad luck days like it was the tail end like I went up there and it was something to test my comedy uh-huh like to test my loyalty to comedy like what brought you out there so were you you were east coast dude before that i was a denver dude i was a boulder doing comedy now in boulder at the time here i am trying to there's different types there's different types of level of frustration in comedy you move to l.a you don't get spots your friends are getting spots that's one frustration yeah the frustration at the time for me living in boulder was there was no spots yeah it doesn't seem like

it was fucking brutal monday nights was an austral austral bar eight people always drunks like a like it wasn't really they weren't Australians there were white people but it was like an outback type bar right you know Wednesday Tuesday was the comedy works Wednesday it was Club 52 and Thursdays was that Mexican place by Burbank well El Torito you know at 16 spots a month yeah that's not much and that's not much and every once in while they would say yeah he were here last week and that's not guaranteed the comedy works you know the clubs didn't really give you guests on the weekends you

know so I was frustrated you know and I started going on the road and I went to Michigan I met a girl and I went up to Seattle she was moved to Seattle I had had enough of fucking Boulder I was going through a divorce a thousand things I said let me go up there I mean I went up to Seattle immediately I was doing 25 sets a month yeah and getting paid for half of them you know getting a hundred dollars seventy-five hours when you're fighting for your life those things help you They really fucking help you. But how was the scene before you left?

How long have you been in Los Angeles? How long have I been? I came in 2012, I think. And you've done a lot of things, right? Guy called shit like that. Yeah, here and there. Yeah, I've gotten some things. Like, I mean, stand-up I've been doing forever.

I've been doing that 14 years. And then, but when you come to L.A., you do other stuff too. You'll audition for stuff. Did you want to or did you just want to be a comedian? No, I wanted to. Like, I wanted to do it all. But I love stand-up, and I'm always going to do that. and because the other stuff is so fickle and fleeting.

Like sometimes you get something and then sometimes you don't, but you have a spot every night. You can count on that. And that's always going to keep you relevant, even when you go through a dry spell. People will see you do stand-up and then it puts you in the game for auditioning for something and maybe booking a role.

So that stuff is fun, but I love stand-up. Me too. When I got here, it was funny how I came here to be a stand-up, but there was no way. Like they just didn't want me, but Mitzie liked me. But that's the biggest person. That was it. That's the only person you needed to like you.

Yeah, that was it. That was it. As long as Mitzie liked me, and she gave me spots off the jumps. She didn't like everybody. She's notorious in their stories for passing on legends. Yeah, she was,

she fucking was a great lady to me, but that was it. No Montreal. Nobody wanted to represent me for comedy. It was too dirty. It was like a fucking struggle, you know. It's like a struggle sometimes.

It makes me want to keep them going under. But you're right. You keep coming. progressing down here. When I got down here, I mean my manager going, you just want to do stand-up, you don't want to act? He goes, you're not going to make a living down here. I go, what do you mean?

I go out every night. He goes, nah, you need to. And when they said commercials, I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'll do that still sometimes. I'll go off for commercial and a heartbeat. I would go out for a commercial now, and at this point in my life, I'm begging for a commercial.

Really? You still want to do commercials? I would do a commercial now and a heartbeat. But you would want to be presented. They'd be like, yo, Joey, we want you to do this. then you would do that, but you're not going to go to the cattle call at this point. You're too big? You're too big. No, I'm the type of guy. I like that.

You still do that? I like it. Do you give me the opportunity? He used to be chilling with 20 other actors waiting to go in and go in. You see people you haven't seen. And, you know, the auditioning game here was like my social life for a while. I can't lie to you. I had no social life. I did drugs at night at the comedy store after I got on stage.

There's no social life. You know, you hang out with a bunch of comics. But it was really weird when I tapped into the act. Like, I actually went to acting class. I went to a Venet Chubb. I was serious about it. And it was very interesting because I got to see a different taste. I got to learn how to hustle acting work.

That's a whole other animal, too. And that's a whole other animal. So I'm watching all these guys that come out here. You know, they just think to himself. They want to be an actress. And they don't really know what goes into it. They come out here and they, I would go to that class and feel bad for half the people. I would want to go up to him.

Go back and work for that. This ain't the way. You are no danger. Isn't it the beauty, though? of being a stand-of-comedian in an acting class is that you're kind of jaded, but you're self-aware. They thought I was a god.

Yeah. They thought I was a god. It was the weirdest fucking thing. I would do the scenes and they would clap. Because you have a natural ability. The stage. Yeah. Because we go up every night and we have that gear.

And then they come up to me and go, ah, well, you're a stand-up, and I swear to God, they would come to the comedy store with their boyfriends or sisters or mothers and leave there with their jaws, drop. Yeah. Like they would go, wait a second. Chris Rock just went up. You're, I don't get it. You're here at Chris Rock. Like, they would look. And it was, uh, like, I tapped into that game and I'm like, wait a second, I'm gonna attack this because these motherfuckers aren't seen what I'm saying. Yeah. Like, they just go to auditions. There's got to be a different way. And the beauty is because we've got stand up taking up a lot of our time and we have that. Like when we go to class or whatever, I did it for like a month or two before I realized it wasn't for me. But just observing some of the actors, they just drink the Kool-Aid.

Like anything the acting teacher says to do, they'll do it. They'll make a vision board. They'll bust out the glue stick and cut out magazine things, thinking that's going to help them get a role. Guys, it's crazy if you had a homeless thing. It's this weird, like kumbaya, they'll do, they just want to book a role and we'll do anything the teacher tells them to. Or as a stand of, I'm like, yeah, I just want to run some scenes. I don't want to do it. I don't want to fucking glue some shit together.

How fucking boring was that when you got to get to. on Tuesdays with some kid yeah that doesn't know dick about dick you even ask him like after an hour have you even watched the movie do you even know about beats and shit because this is the shit you know what what's always killed me and I don't want nobody at home to take this wrong and don't take this wrong is how you know what's you go to acting class and have coach and her name is Vanka and she was under what's his name but then some big black motherfucker like Queen Latifah dups herself off

says let me give this a whack and she starts making you look like a fucking asshole yeah because look at ice cube you think he went to acting class how about or jennifer hudson oscar yeah you know it's uh this it's you know i always felt when i got here i'm the type of guy i want to get formal training and everything if you said to me joey i think you need this i'll go hunt the best person yeah and i'll figure out there's value in it there's value in it i will continue there's value in it but sometimes there's this other stuff i didn't believe the color I didn't believe the cult. Yeah, yeah, there's some cultish shit that you don't need.

Ivana Chubbic and the chick on Libreya are the cults. She still sends me fucking emails, the cult. I found that like... You know which one I'm talking about? I don't know, but they're all the same kind of like... No, no, no. And then they used to be the one on Fountain, whether you have to stand outside. Oh, wait.

Tell me that's still there. I don't go on there. I've driven by one and there's like 80 people out there going overside. Yeah. And you never hear about those people. like some drunk guy losing control and hit them with a car. Like, never.

They're out there. And cars are doing 100 and nobody's ever hit those 18 fucking idiots. It's a goddamn, I mean, you feel so... Because it's true. They do drink the Kool-Aid. Because they got nothing else going on. I never figured out.

I never figured out what it was. I had, listen, I had a... You know that one of my friends worked at CIA that me and him walked into a van der Chubbock together in 1999. We stayed friends until about... 2000, 2001 maybe, and then I'm James Coburn on a stupid 100th of day movie goes, you quit acting class. Right?

I know I was doing Arliss. Oh, shit. And I had the whole two days with him. And I said, do you think acting class really helps me? He goes, you have natural instincts quit right now. I mean, talking about the best thing that I told you. But then your agents are like, oh, maybe you're not getting auditions because you're not an acting class. So I went to the cult on LaBreya.

Uh-huh. Jewish chick, pretty cute. She looks like Tina Faye kind of sort of. She would always audition with her socks on and shit. Her husband would live in the mountains. All Jewish chicks kind of sort of look like Tina Faye. This one looked like Tina Faye. What the fuck was her name?

And she would run those kids through the mill. I mean, it was like a slave factory. First of all, you had to pay for your classes and intern. It was like Scientology. I've always thought this about LA. Like, no one's really religious out here, right? But there's parallels. Like, acting teachers are the churches of L.A.

And God is booking. You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All those, bro, people drink the lemonade from the acting teachers. I never looked. I have a guy that I wanted to come on here. He helped me. He helped me get analyzed that.

He told me to use my eyes more and stuff. Because it's like Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson was the worst basketball playing in the world. But he was a great coach. He won 18 championships. There's that effect of it. He did an episode of Colchase that he was so bad on that episode. For real?

Yeah, he was the acting coach. Some people aren't like that. They're good at breaking things down. Oh, yeah. He was brilliant. I think he coached me for Analyze that before I booked it for the audition. I went to New York and I wrote down all his notes and he booked me for something else I got. And I was like, I like this guy.

Then he got sick for a while. And he made a comeback And now he runs something in Hollywood Like something big Like he's part of the actor's studio I'm looking but it was always He teach with the hat With the Apple hat

And he had like six motherfuckers in there That were taking everything His breathing class for $92 His movement class Come on We learned that at the comedy store You learn that at the comedy store There's one day that you're breathing

Your jokes and your body language All become one It's a fucking great step Yeah I've always found stand-ups we're always trying to the more you do stand-up the closer you get to who you really are and acting is the complete opposite of that they're trying to be everybody but themselves it's interesting it makes sense yeah it makes sense i just always i always heard rumors like any griffin caused a lot of havoc at the store i loved them i would hear the i wasn't there around that time

but i hear these stories and i love hearing about the store he he would cause havoc but let me tell you i'm Maddie Griffin man he told you good comedic advice and I remember him telling me when he goes you'll never see a stand-up comic in the Harrison Ford movie why is that you don't want him on the set that timing's too good he goes there's a lot of actors that won't work opposite of the stand-up comedy because their timing's too fucking good our timing is deadly and at the store your timing gets real in the original room oh I call the original room the X-Men training room there's no other Club like it.

Can't take it away from me. You could call me a felon. You call me a fat spick. You know, you could call me a thousand. Don't you ever saw my comedy, bitch? Because you look down at that good. You know that carpeting at the stomach? It's the same part.

There's a Rogan's dog took a shit one time. Really? On stage, the dog was going crazy in the car. So Rogan brought the dog on stage. So Rogan was like Eliza for a little bit, just bringing the dog all the time? No, no, no. He would bring like every once in a wide.

You know, he was single. He was young. He had this pit bull. He said, Let me take him for a ride. And he put him in the car, but the dog would see his friends and start barking, get excited. So one night, Rogan, was me. Oh, Pauly Shaw's friend and Joe, and it was like a Monday night, it was slow.

And Joe goes, hold on, he wouldn't stop barking. He could hear Joe's voice. So Joe told, what's his name? Bring the dog up. And the dog went on stage within five minutes. He took his shit in the original room. And next thing, you know, Pauley's friend was in there. Scrubber to him.

in between comedians and shit you couldn't write this stuff people have forgotten completely about that I'm gonna bring it up to him next time I've seen him Frank God rest his soul that was the name of the dog that stage I've died on that stage oh I have to man a thousand times

but it's great it's therapeutic even doing no it's that's what exactly what it is there's nothing like when we repeat this constantly coming home from a weekend in Charlotte we just destroy you destroyed people are taking pictures with you and you walk into the original room with a little bit of ego. Yeah.

And all of a sudden the fucking curtains falling on you. That drive home is miserable. You're like, what the fuck was that about? Yeah, that'll happen. You'll do like a late night set or something and then the next day, there's like five people in the crowd. I mean, it doesn't happen all the time, but that's the beauty of stand-up is very humbling. You'll do a great thing and then... How long have you been a regular at the store?

I got past 2010, so long. like seven, seven years. So when you first got past, was it as busy as it is now? No, man. Like, it's in the golden age right now. Yeah, it's in the golden age. And I got past, you know, when Tommy was there. And it wasn't like it is now.

It stays good pretty late because, you know, it goes till 2 a.m. at the store. How good at night does it stay good till? What now? How's the midnight spots? It's still pretty good, man. No shit. Yeah, I remember when I would get like midnight or later. Yeah, and it would just be.

Even 1130 would be slim pickings back in the day. But now it's packed. Like Rogan's back. You're back. And like, like, Appetal comes by. All these guys are coming back. All these guys are coming back. So it's packed every night now.

But yeah, it wasn't like that when I was there. I remember going down there. How about this? Going down there and waiting to get four people to start the show and begging that they'd stay. So you'd get the $15. Yeah. Begging. Please don't.

Please. I've been here since fucking nine waiting for a fallout. just in case I might something so I'd go home early because you'd have like oh I'd have like a one o'clock Mitsy would give me one and I would have to follow Paul Mooney so I would be sitting down with Coke in my pocket dying to do a line

dying to do a line but this motherfucker won't put me on stage and there'd be four people an interesting story one night you know comedy used to be Tuesday through Sunday uh okay back in the day when I first came out of it was Tuesday through Sunday So if you went on the road, you came home Monday.

Yeah. And you left Monday night or Tuesday morning. You did Wednesday, radio, Thursday radio. Oh, shit. Yeah. So when I got here, it was Tuesday. What the fuck was my point? Jesus Christ, I got to stop smoking pot.

It's a golden age now. It's a, and, but during the week, the store would have, you know, four people. Tuesdays when it was Black Night and this big main room, you'd have eight people in the original home. You'd be down the road at Ahmed Ahmedine or Jay Davis. Oh, I always hear about Dublin's. Dublin's waiting to walk over. But Pete, when he bought the last stop in Houston, said, you know what, Joey, I don't want to close Monday and Tuesday. People want to come in and drink.

What do you think I should do Tuesday? I go just bring down the headliner, you know? So for a while, he started bringing down headlines. I went down there one Tuesday. There's maybe 12 people. You know, man, I whizzed them into a fucking. You know, when there's 12 people, you're not going to sit down into your material. Yeah, he's going to talk with them, yeah, we need in.

Mix, talk, ask questions. But I mixed, I was one of those lucky nights where I mixed everything up together, and it turned it to be the one of the best hours I ever did for 14 and a half people. That happens, and it's great. And Pete came up to me down on a drive home and he goes, I've been running this club for three years. I never saw that. He goes, most comics go on stage and give up.

About six months later, Johnny Sanchez went down there. It was another comic from the store at the time. Yeah, I know Johnny. That we were working hard then. It was me, Johnny, Luke Torres, you know, Pierre. And the same thing happened on the Tuesday. I think there was like nine people. Johnny went up there and whipped them up into a frenzy.

And I remember Pete calling going, I know the difference between a comedy store comic and a comic now. Because I just saw it when you guys said, because nobody else comes in here on Tuesday. Everybody just bails. Everybody else sees nine people. They complain. They bails.

They bails. They don't want to do it. but we had to deal with that every night going up you were just happy to get a spot and those people are still in those chairs so they they want to be there so you think that if you go up there with a bad attitude that of course they're going to be disengaged so we've learned just like love your audience no matter who it is I've got there for four people man and I'd go up there and fucking put my life into it like I would leave there going Jesus Christ how hard like I would in my mind I started looking forward to empty rooms at the store during the week I like that too man like I like I like I just finished my special and I like... Oh, you're in hell right now, aren't you? But I like getting late night spots at the store because there's really no stakes. It can be loose.

I can run some ideas where if it's packed and like I'm following Rogan or something, like I can't do that shit. It's a horror show. It's a horror show. You're just trying to keep up. Yeah, you got to bring out the A shit. But when you're building,

there's nothing like a half filled or one third filled OR and just having fun, trotting out ideas and I love that. It's not a bad idea, man. Yeah. So I kind of, right now, I want the late night spots. What's worse?

Or is there a difference between like a comedy store, four people, or if like you're on the road and there's four people out like? Well, if you're on the road, we're at a point now where if we do the road, there's not going to be four people. No one's hiring us to come out to do four people. Right. You know? It's almost impossible for us to do bad on the road at this point.

You know what I mean? Right. Like, do you ever, I mean, you could have shows that aren't as good as... You know, if it snows one night and you're in Buffalo and it snows 2,000 fucking inches, only die-hards are going to come out. But we'll make the... In my mind, I'll go crazy for those 40 people. Yeah.

Like, I'll pull shit out of my ass. I'll go into such... Like, I'll start drinking. I don't drink. But I'll start drinking because they made the effort. So who the fucking mind? Fuck it. I don't drink, but tonight, because you motherfuckers are here, I'm buying your drink,

and I'm drinking with you, you know? Yeah. Those are the things that... They fire you up, but they all go back to the comedy store, to that Commando-style comedy. I learned at the Comedy store. That's all I could call it, Commando-style Comedy. It's the hardest room in the world, and when we go out and do somewhere else, just a fraction of what we learn in the O-R, goes so much further on the road. Yeah.

I'm really lucky around that original. Even now when I go in there, like I said, I'm getting anxiety in there. Especially now, you look those lineups, and you're like, Jesus Christ, I can't even breathe here. You know, you got to go down there, fall of Delia? Are you fucking kidding me? That's like going to the electric chair without a stake. Let me go follow you in the main room. I have to follow you sometimes and that's, I get anxiety over that.

But you do well. I sit there in the back for like five minutes and then listen and I go, you. But it's the same thing though where you got to, because when the comedy store posts their lineups on Instagram, I'll see who I'm after. And I'll know just energy-wise, kind of like, okay, I can kind of like rest easy. Not that they're good comics, but their energy matches yours hitting the stage. but if some like you're you're like a bulldozer you're like a juggernaut you're such a character you know so and they're so amped up like after you get off and I come up there I'm like hey guys you like what's the motherfucker you come out like everybody knows you like there's a shorthand

when people see you like I know this guy even if they don't know you they know you you you know what I come up I'm like hey what's up they're feeling you out like what's this guy about the reason why I go up there was so much energy is because of my fear Because let me tell you something. I'll do a 40 minute set and 18 minutes at the store. I'll fuck you world's up, Jack. Yeah. I'll just do all punchlines.

I'll go up there and just say one thing and just lay into all the punchlines and that thing. That's what I love about the store, and you don't have to stop. You could just lay it. Like, I've been up at the store where I haven't taken a breath. Like, I'll just lay into them and look around and they're scattered. It's like the Outlaw Josie Wales came in here.

I remember the first time I took my dick out. At the start of Friday night. I wasn't Arishafir doing that for a little bit? Like I would hear stories. We would do the craziest shit up there, but one night on a Friday night, I went up there and something happened with Bobby Lee. And then something happened. The girl started yelling at Rogan.

And I went up there and she started yelling at me. They go, enough. Unless you're going to fucking come up here and fucking do something, whatever, shut you your mouth. And she goes, what do you mean? I go, come up here and show your pussy. and she goes, I'll show my pussy if you show your dick, get on up here, you little fucking bet.

She went up to this little ugly girl went up on stage and pulled her pants down and showed her little ugly pussy. It looked like somebody hit it with a slingshot, right? The fucking place was packed and the outside went up to the glass. Like an aquarium?

Like an aquarium? Everybody was looking. So like Diaz, Diaz, it's Friday. It's a quarter of one. The place is packed. They put the house lights on it. I took the fucking Cuban that girl out. People started throwing money at me.

I made like $82. That's more than you get doing stand-low. Fuck yeah. You're like, I've got to close with this more often. Sometimes I take my dick out and just go up on stage and see how long it would take. Before somebody noticed. The best one I'd do to Judy Conciatti. She'd go on stage and I go behind the bar.

Oh, that back entrance to the... And I'd open up the curtain naked while she was on stage. Did she know? No. So she'd be getting laughs and she'd get off stage going, my God, I did so well tonight. It wasn't her. It was that I was behind the completely naked, opening up the fucking Kurt and clothes And it was, you know, but that was,

Vinnie Fabrito would go to the store and put a fart machine under the chest. And we wait for Holtzman to go on. And he'd start fucking with the fart machine. And Holtzman will lose his mind. Who keeps farting in the ear? You know, that's what it's all about, though. That's why you become a fucking comic and you don't get a 9 to 5, you know.

So you go to the University of Washington, you're going to school, you're being a good boy. Yeah, all that. You're working at the Salmon Place selling salmon? Ivert? No, Pike Place? Pike Place? No, I wasn't there. I was just doing school and comedy. That's it. Then I graduated at the engineering degree, got out,

and then I got a job in the... I was just applying to jobs in Southern California because I knew I wanted to be out here and then do stand-up at night, but I had to get out here. So then I got a job at Boeing in Long Beach. So they hired me. and I was doing like a stress analysis on the planes, you know. And then I would drive up at night and do stand up.

And then I would drive back, do work, do it all over again for three and a half years. But I mean, there's worse jobs. There's people pouring cement. Like, I'm in a cubicle. I've got two monitors. You could take a nap and she closed your eyes and put sunglasses on. That is fucking crazy. And when they, and what's your mom and dad think at this time?

You're just working. I'm working. Like, they're not, like, they were cool with me doing drama and, like, skits and stuff in high school. But then once they could tell that I wanted to make a career out of it, then they got a little nervous. Like, even when I was in engineering school

and I was doing stand-up, they were still, like, worried that I was doing this other thing, you know, and that I wanted to do it. And then when I was working at Boeing, I was still doing stand-up. And then when I left, especially I'm leaving an engineering job and they're like, what are you doing? Insurance for one K.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that stuff. All that stuff, right. They lost their minds. Yeah, because that's a known entity. That's a known quantity. Being an engineer for X number of years, get a house, get a car, blah, blah, blah, X, Y, Z with a regular life. Stand up, there's no path for that.

They don't know anybody's kids who are doing that. There's no, if you're a lawyer, there's a path. If you're a doctor, there's a path. Standup just seems like a pipe dream. but I'm close to it. I know that there is a way to do it. It's just too foreign to them. Do you have brothers and sisters?

I got a brother. He's a dentist. So that doesn't make it fucking easy. But at least I feel like they're one for two. You know what I mean? Like, he did the good thing. They're successful in that regard. He took the heat off by being a dentist, I think. Listen, man, I say this

fucking constantly. I say this. constantly. And in the next five years or the next two years is going to be a report to back my claimer. You're not ready at 18

to make a decision about your fucking life, man. Yeah, it's kind of crazy. You're not fucking ready at 18 to make a decision about your fucking life, man. You're not ready at 18 to make a decision about your life.

Why do we become parents and push our children to fucking make a decision at 18 or even 20? Nobody in this room. I know you're an engineer. I'm not mean to disrespect to anybody. Nobody knows at 20

What the fuck they really want to do And then one day you raise your fucking hand And you're in there two years And you go on TV And you see some guy putting fucking cigarettes up his ass home You're like, you know what? I dreamt it out as a child I'm gonna do that

And now, but now you're stuck Now you got a loan You got your mom proud of you She cut the clips out You made it to five bag of capa You know and now you graduate Now what, bro Now you go into a job

that you really don't want to do. You just want to put cigarettes out in your ass going and make $10 a cigarette, right? That's all you want to do with your fucking life, man. But no, you get this job. Now it starts to drink it. Now you mean a chick, and you knock her up, and you have a kid, but guess what?

She's one of those chicks that you knock up, and it's like two tanks are in her ass now. Now you've got to walk around with this fucking monster in debt. With a job you hate, with a kid who's uglier than you are, because now you've got your wife. It's a fucking night, man. You wake up on day and you're 38.

You're like, what the fuck. that I do and there's the path that starts everything that's the drinking the drugs the divorce you're unhappy you have not even a midlife crisis you don't even want to do your fucking job no more man this isn't what you want to do in the first place but you got yourself in such a big fucking hole with that fat fuck in the kid in the fucking house with the lawn because america soldiers is america soldiers and bro i bought it i bought it when i came out of prison i'm like that's it i'm gonna be a good boy and i'm gonna get a job and be a roofing estimate on Saturday, I mulled alone.

And then on Sunday, I guess I got to have the laundry and shovel and do, that's my life till I'm 65, then you give me a fucking watch. And this was the way I thought. Like, I was like, what am I supposed to tell people? I went to college and wasted my time. This is a waste of time. They took me $200,000 to really figure out what I want to do in life, which was put cigarettes out of my asshole.

You know, we are not. We're not ready and everybody had you know who else is sat in this chair? What's the skinny girl? I was a doctor Who was that Ashley? Oh, do I know Ashley? Yeah, skinny chick. She's the CA also opens up for her She was a lawyer Ashley Barnhill. Oh shit, okay. Yeah, that one who else was a fucking doctor that came in here or something like that and quit? Somebody else had come in here in the last couple of years that were the doctor and said that's it. I didn't want to do it in the middle. You know You you're forced society forces you and then we drink into different type of What about Ken Jong? Wasn't he?

You were a doctor. There you go. Oh, so I'm going to leave my doctor patient to be. And thank God a hit for him. You know, when you take the chance. That's even more impressive. That's more impressive. Yeah, residency and all.

Then you have patience and then take that leap. And I think that's even harder. Your patient's dying. He's not cheering for you. I'm dying over here. You cock sucker. But it's always that decision. It killed me.

Yeah. I didn't know. You think I would have fucking played that dumb shit if I would have known. this was it. If I would have known this was it when I was, and I started late, dog, I started at 28 or something. That's fucking late, Jack. I was long in the tooth.

Did everyone say to you, Fahim, what are you doing with, like, the thing that, my least favorite thing that people say is work isn't supposed to be fun. You're not supposed to have fun at work. And it just seems like maybe an engineering places, like that's what they would say. Like, comedy's great, but, like, work's not supposed to be fun. Well, I didn't tell anybody

at work that I did stand up just because I like keeping my world separate. That's so smart. I'm terrible at that. And I don't want them to think that I'm the funny. Like, I'm conversationalally funny. You know, I'm not off the wall. I'm not going to be doing, there's different types of comics. You know, I just want to have a conversation with somebody.

So I hate, I would hate if somebody at my job knew I did stand up and they're just expecting jokes from me at the copy machine or like, hey, when can I come see? I don't, I don't like that. That was a good move. Yeah. I just know me. I know how people are. So I just kept my role.

And I didn't want them to think that my work was being affected by what I do outside. of my job like i i didn't want my bosses to think comedy is affecting my work because it's not and you were off on saturdays and sundays yeah off on saturdays and sundays and then stand up as a night game so you know i get off no weekends at that point no like a lawyer like nah because uh that came later me getting past the store came yeah came a little later um you call your mom as soon as you got passed in the slums i told you uh no no because it doesn't mean any like these benchmarks for us don't mean anything to my parents you know like they on the fall five is shit they don't know the comedy store names on the wall they don't know how

important that they watch on tv yeah they've seen like some late night sets and they've seen me like i was in that Tina fey movie so like they went to the theaters and saw that what they think i think my mom is love i took my mom to the premiere just you got to take your mom so i take she got to meet tina fay you know everybody like margot robbie she was starstruck and she loved it but my dad is old school like he still i was talking my mom two days ago she was like your dad's worried about you Like, what are you going to, your life, what are you going to do? Like, I'm still dicking around out here, you know? Like, my dad only understands money and things.

What your dad do for a little? He's an engineer at Boeing as well. That's our coal mine, man. Oh, yeah, so it's tough. Brainy dude, brainy dude. Yeah, he's a smart guy. He's in Seattle. He works at the one in Bellevue.

No, that's what I figured. He just knows what I can be, so that's what frustrates him. As a child, do you watch any stand-up at all? You know, what's so funny? Dad loves Steve Martin. It's his favorite comic, but he just wants his kids to have nothing to do with. Like, Afghans, and my parents are from Afghanistan, they don't want, they love art, but they don't want their kids to make a career out of it. They want them to be doctors, lawyers, and all that stuff.

So, yeah, they consume art, but they're like, we don't want you to do that for a living. Did your parents move from Afghanistan? Yeah, yeah. Like, ever since I was, like, a kid, I wasn't first generation or anything, but I would always get to, taught in like Hebrew school and stuff like that like Jewish kids like the Jewish families but that it was huge when we first moved here education all that like for those like probably similar reasons why your parents it's just like they they're working so hard and they see like that's the only real way to guarantee you're getting ahead. I understand it. Oh yeah

like you know I've got my own path and I'm trying to go down but I understand where they're coming from. Just that immigrant mentality because I'm doing what they weren't they couldn't afford to do when you come from another place you've got to plant your roots you got to you're not going to be a mime when you come from Afghanistan and you're in America you've got to be an engineer you've got to be these things to just plant your roots here and then their kids me I can do I'm I mean I'm fortunate enough to be able to do comedy but they didn't have that luxury so that's why it's so foreign for them I think I don't know what my mom would think if she was alive I don't know I really don't know and I know it's just great

grounded in them wanting the best for me. Because if it pans out, and it is, it's on the road to, like, I'm getting things and things are going the right way, they'll be fine. They'll stop nagging. My mom is cool now. You're sad, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so just say that.

I got 401. Yeah, I've got all that stuff. But I think my dad just wants me to pull up in, like, a Lamborghini, and then he'll be, like, I was wrong. Yeah. Well, hopefully someday you'll buy my fucking Lamborghini. Does your dad send you, like, the Boeing, like the, the, like, the, open jobs at Boeing in your area?

No, but sometimes he would send me articles. And this is funny. I talked about on stage one time. My dad would send me, he would clip out news articles. For some reason, he doesn't believe in emailing me a hyperlink to the article. So he physically cuts out the news article. Sends me this piece about this guy who's 32. He went to engineering school at UW.

And then he opened up this brewery. And then he writes on a post-it note on the back. He goes, maybe you're a classmate, question mark. Could be you if you woke up before noon. Love dad. And it's just so funny. Like, they just don't understand it. No, they don't.

It's a different type of work. We work at night. And sometimes we have super early auditions. Sometimes we work for two weeks. Sometimes we work. It's just so sporadic. And almost just being available as part of our job. You have to be able.

Yeah. Yeah, you have to be available because in their mind, if I'm not working all the time, like, why don't you just sell houses on the side? It doesn't work that way. I got to do stand-up. It's you being nimble as part of the job description. That's why all these actors are waiters and waitresses and bartenders, so they could just cut out in the drop of a hat.

Yeah. Well, it's a safety. I never believed it either. When I got here, I saw cigars on the phone. Cigars were huge when I got here. Really? What's the name? Demi Moore smoked a cigar on a cover of a mac.

Oh yeah, you're right, man. I remember there was a huge cigar. Yeah, huge. Women were smoking cigars at bars, people out in the comedy store smoking cigars. So they're right on the brand sunset, right on the street afterward towards the comedy store. There was a little office, 1250 an hour plus commission. You sold those $300 packages and they gave you $80. I'd sell one of those a day, maybe a couple cigars go home. Yeah. I was there at 7 in the morning, though.

So I would snort Coke to a 5 at the comedy store And I'd go that 7 more like a soldier Yeah With orange juice on my breath and gin And God knows what else You gotta have a little job here But once I booked my first commercial, I think I was like, that's it

I'm taking the safety net all That's it Yeah I made a living This is good I used engineering to get to a place Where I wanted to be So, you know, I had a day job

It was fine Most comics have a day job They'll do lift, they'll do Uber They'll do all these other things I just happen to have a dope day job And then by night I would do stand up And then I got to a point where I could leave

And that was always the dream Just get to have the safety net Until I don't need it When you quit your job You did you tell them to leave the door open for you in case you were I did like uh So what happened was I booked this MTV show Called Disaster Date

Which is like this prank show for dating And they needed me for three and a half months And I was half stepping before then Like I would I booked Chuck on NBC this guest star that was the first thing I ever got and I said I had a family emergency so I left for eight days to film it and then I came back and I just continued to work but three and a half months was too long I there was no excuse for three and a half months I forgot what I said but I said uh yeah

I need to take it off for some reason and they wouldn't let me and I tried everything and they just wouldn't let me take that much time off and then I read up on unemployment that like if they If they fire you, you can collect unemployment. So I didn't want to quit because then I wouldn't be able to collect unemployment. So I wrote an email. I go, I will be out of the office this day and I plan on returning. And then I just wrote three and a half months later. I plan on returning this day.

I send that off to everybody. And then I just didn't answer any of my calls or emails. And then just waiting for them to fire me if they were. So I wanted to come back. And if that isn't the case, they would have. to fire me and then they did send me a termination letter and I was I was adjuiced I was like nice oh your dad must have been steaming oh I didn't tell them the nuances of the termination yeah yeah yeah don't severance paying nothing no

nothing to go a stapler I probably took a mechanical pencil did you ever do that Joey well you must just not like not shown up back at a job I did that the only place I every day that was a radio shack I was terrible there. I had no, like, I just thought Radio Shack, you just sold, like, batteries and random things. They have, like, people coming in who are building, like, circuit boards, and they want to you, they expect you to know actual things. Resisters and ohms and all this stuff. I had no idea what was happening. It was the only job I ever worked, commission. And I think I made, like, $200 in a week. And I just didn't go. Like, they wanted me to drive 45 minutes to do, like,

training. And I just didn't go back. Do you pick up your check? Yeah, I went back in that. Yeah. One, one time I, like, tried to work at, at dominoes. And so I had to go through some training and stuff. I did like three hours of training on a computer, how to make a pizza and shit. It was dumb. Some program, some software.

I did it for three hours. And then I got off work. And then I ended up getting some other job. So I quit. I literally just did the training and I left. And then the check was like for five bucks. Or something stupid. I didn't even pick up the check.

So I basically just went to dominoes to kick it for three hours. Doug, I quit so many jobs the day of. What day? I'm not going to forget I quit this job. There was a manager trainee program in Seacarkas, $45,000 to start. Like, just, you know, they wanted me to work clerical for three months, something else for three months, warehouse for three months, something else for three months, and then you become a manager at the lumber yard.

Yeah. I did it for about 10 days, though. And it wasn't until 4th of July weekend when all my friends were down the shore. And I'm sitting and I gotta sit till 6 and there's not one customer on that line. They're making me count screws. It's busy work.

And I just fucking put everything away. Got my car. I was like, where are you going? I wouldn't even say anything in those days. I wouldn't even say anything. Halloween 84, I stayed out on like a four fucking day bender. Like I went on Thursday to come back and I fucking stayed out.

like just got fucked up Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, Sunday night, a friend of mine called him, she goes, hey, my dad got you a job at this paint store. And I was like a fucking full-time criminal. By this point, I had just given up. I'm like a fucking paint store. That's kind of nice how a job just falls in your lap. Oh, my God. I just went through like 4,000 cocaine that wasn't mine.

They were going to come looking for me at any moment. I told them I'd be back in an hour. I never came back with their fucking. bag of blow. I ended up with this girl bleeding from my nose. She was bleeding from her nose. We tried to have sex. And then I went back

to wherever I was living in those days. And that's when my friend woke me up and he goes, hey, Tiz called. You dad got your job on 68th in Burgland's this paint place. I walked in there. I was like, this is going to change my whole life. Like, I'm a new man. I have to stop this, this fucking

half of gangsters looking for me now for his fucking four grand. And it was a lot more than four. And I went in there and they were like, oh, hey, you're going to mix paints this morning. And I remember looking at that clock, it was 8 to 9 was a long hour. And 9 to 10 was even a long hour.

But there was nothing like 10 to 11. It seemed like hell. And awesome resistance from the War of Arts started to come up and shit. And I just started getting negative thoughts. So wait a second. I'm getting 10 bucks. And I don't know.

I'm going to make $80 to $8 times five. Are you fucking kidding me? I get an ounce of blown, make that an hour. I'll never forget telling them, listen. I'll be back in five minutes. And they're like, where are you going? I got to get a soda across the street. Pee-um.

I remember I had a gold watch in maybe four hours. I had stolen this gold watch somewhere. It was like a nice boulevard, like a $3,000 fucking watch. And I ended up with it. And this was my last ray of hope. After this, I'll never forget. into a drug dealer's house, I knew like by, just like

it was Lee's drug dealer. I knocked on his door, he was like, who are you? I go, I'm a good friend of Lee's. I'm Joey Diaz. He goes, come on in. I go, listen, man, you don't know me from Adam. I'm in a bind. I need a half ounce of your best coke. I'll leave my watches at collateral.

I'll be in and hour to give me the 800. He was like, all right, I took that coke. I never came back either. That was like the week from fucking hell. Everybody was waiting for me. It's telling everybody I'll be back I'll be back That was your M-O

Give me five minutes I just gotta go up the corner Where up the corner I'll be right back Fuck I used to quit jobs I would go to a job To give me like a shovel 10 minutes

I'm out of here Fuck you I didn't come out of here Ten minutes I would last 10 minutes I built scaffolds for a long I got there and they're like Are you scared of heights

I'm like nah They're like 15 bucks And I'm like all right After the third floor I'm out. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. Then I went to the other side of the building. This was a huge building they were building. I took every job in the fucking building.

The people who spray that shit on your building, so it's like an insulation. I took that job, too. That lasted like a day. I picked up my check. Then the people who put the railroad tries into the floor to build the walls, I did that for a while. That I liked, except for the fucking splinters and the red ants biting you. It's not that bad. You got a workout in a half. You got a big drill.

What's the matter? You didn't even need a fucking... I'm not I'm not and you're over there making fucking faces I'm going through changes because I'm just imagining you going and just I can't quitting a job every other like how do you get these many jobs? Bro, I could sell a fucking ice cube to a fucking Satanist. You understand me? I don't give a fuck Jack You just give me a fucking resume and I'll fucking type it up for you in no time. I'll get you that job Did they not call references back then? Even if they did I didn't know what they were talking about I used to have fake references in those days All your references sound exactly like you. Oh my God

I had such fake Like if I got fired from a job But it was a good job I'd write it down as a reference Then they would call me the people And listen we just tried to call the Sheridan And they said you were fired I'm like, relax

I didn't get fired I just fucking quit after a year and a half Well they said I would argue They would say they couldn't get hold of references I would make up names and call I was fucking notorious for that shit Because in my mind I really didn't believe that Yeah

That they check references We had no undercover copy of today on the phone today and he was talking about a gay he had to meet this killer at a gas station all the time well in 85 i ran out of you know i was fucking out there though i was crazy so jersey and portland oregon are the only states where you can't pump your own gas oh i knew i knew that about organ right i didn't know about jersey too you can't pump your own gas so i would get gas station jobs close to the bridge or the tunnel where there's a lot of action and i We go in there, what's your name? Farina Ma. And they go, really, what do you want to work? Which shift? 12 to 8 in the morning.

Because they're not going to check a reference. You know what I'm saying? Like, I told me, I go, Lee, if you're working in the gas station, if you're the owner and you've got to fill 12 to 8, and I come in and go 12 to 8, you're going to hire me without even a fucking reference check. And I would get the job, and I would fill up gas tanks. People come in, give me 40, give me 50,

and wait until I get $3,000. I'd take off. I leave the gas station open, the register, stuff for the take and it was fucking crazy and I must have done it 10 times they never caught on I'd see a help want this side of the gas station I'd do the application and they'd tell me when do you want to start and I go next Tuesday night okay and I tell you like let me borrow 200 till next Tuesday night like I already had it down in my head I was just going in there pumping gas for four or five hours keeping all the profits they would ask me did you dump yet oh yeah I'd

dump because they'd make you make a deposit every thousand dollars fuck you i dump like a ten dollar bill in there i'd keep the rest i put it my socks fucking crazy i had no respect for work that's why i knew if this didn't work i'd be dead yeah i didn't want to work there's no fucking way i think about it now sometimes you ever get up like a six in the morning look around and go because i did it so it's nice it's nice to be doing what you want to do and every day it's not work It's a cliche you always hear like, oh, you know, do what you love. You don't work a day in your life. But it's true.

You wake up and it's nice that everything that I do is working towards something that we're building, not somebody else's thing. But sometimes you got to do that. And when I was like, Boeing, I did that because I knew I was trying to get to this thing. It's all right to do that for a while, but to have a goal. Where's Tony Bennett? You fucked up tonight. See you didn't have it set. Somebody breaks your heart.

Some, somebody twice as smart as I. A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do. Let me give some shout-outs and shit real quick here to some fucking savages of debt. Jeremy Sweeney, who loves you, cock-sucker, Judo Connection. B.B. Tyler J. Holden. Casper Rotball. Gregory Lay, M.T. Chasing Snarks, and CRF Slugline. I love you, motherfuckers.

Thank you for always tweaking and fucking sending me a naked pictures of the fuckers that you're sending shit. This special is your first special. Yeah, for special. How am I going to take it to get put together? I mean, I've been wanting to unload this hour for a long time. Okay, so you had this hour for a long time. Yeah, but then like nowhere would take it, you know? Like, I think you know, you're a guy who's like funny and sometimes hasn't been given a chance.

Nothing. Nothing. Yeah. So same thing with me, you know, I've had this hour. I was submitting to the half hour to Comedy Central for a long time, year after year. No. And then, I mean, in my mind, I was like, I don't have credits. Maybe that's why I'm not getting it. I might be funny, but I don't have these other credits that people get it.

You didn't want to tape a CD or anything? I guess not. I should have. I'm really kicking myself for not putting out CDs. I should have done that. That's hindsight. But, you know, I wasn't getting the half from Comedy Central. And then the last year that I submitted,

it was like two years ago. I was in New Mexico filming the Tina Fey movie, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. I had done Seth Myers. And then I was on guide code. I had some credits. I had some dope credits. And I submitted it.

I thought I'd get it this year finally. And then they said, no. And I'm like, this is a fool there. And I'm done with this. I can't keep on hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With these credits in this half hour, they're not giving it to me, I'm never going to get it.

I'm done playing this game. And I was so deep in the comedy game, I had an hour I wanted to unload, not 20 minutes. You know, with commercials and everything, it's 20 minutes. Let me try to do an hour. So I'm trying to get an hour and everywhere saying no, but they don't even know what the hour is. They're just saying no to the idea of me doing,

they don't know what it is. So in my mind, I'm like, let me tape this thing. I was doing a headlining weekend in La Jolla. So I had some buddies, bring some cameras, got some good audio. I cut together an hour of what it would be. We sent that around. Because if someone says no to that, cool, then you just don't fuck with it. But people liked it, you know?

I think Showtime wanted to do it, but they were backlogged with their specials, and then CISO was into it. So CESA was a good home. Like, they liked the special, and so they did it. But it's just one of those things where, you got to cut their stake for them. You've got to do it. You really do.

People don't have time or they don't have imagination. I hear you were the great agent. Yeah. Like we're great agents and they're still up. Top notch and people still. And it's always going to be that way. Just because you have a certain name on the door doesn't mean it's a slam dunk. Like you're always going to be looked over by somebody.

So you either just accept that and coward or you find a window to get in. So I was like, let me let me do this shit. Show them what it is. And then that's when the ball got rolling. Like, there's, there's a lot of people who talk in this town. There's very few who actually generate and create content. And when you put it in front of their face, click on this link. Here's an hour of stand-up.

Do you like this? Then do it. Because most people would just be like, hey, ask them if they'll let me do an hour. And they go, oh, they don't want to. Oh, man. I taped it. Show them what it is. Do a proof of concept.

Do a sizzle. So that's what I did, and that's how I got it. Very smart, man. Yeah, you got to. Or you do nothing. You know, I was telling you when you came in here that when I got in, there was no stand-up for Uncle Joey. And I shot a pilot. Then the pilot didn't get picked up, you know.

And then I, the commercial, which was lucrative. You know, it was money. But nobody saw the fucking thing. I mean, they played constantly. I was in there a fart. Like, it was like a second shot, but I didn't give a fuck. It was going to check. It was like robbing somebody.

It was embarrassing. But, and then I started, I booked like four episodes on NBC of a popular sitcom. And then they canceled it right before. I did the first episode. Like I did episode like five, seven, nine, and ten. They canceled episode four. Like, I was done. Like, I didn't even get a fucking shot for Christ's sake, you know.

And it was kind of co-starry-ish. I kept booking Coastal. Co-stars, co-stars, co-stars, one line. Yeah. One line. One line. It was like a fucking curse. The curse of the one line. Then I got the curse. Then I finally got four days on a movie. Seven days. Yeah. I was like, okay, now we're cooking with gas. And then it died again. It died again.

Then I got the, I went through the phase. My line was at the beginning of the episode. Phase with credits still rolling to it. So if you watch Taxi, I got like fucking eight movies or something. The line, credits. Analyzed that. I got shot first scene in the movie. Taxi, I fucking, the first scene in the movie. I got like three or four of those motherfuckers. I'm like, God damn, when does this end, you know? And also, I got a breakdown. My friend of mine, he's like, they're making the longest yard. And I called my agent. I got to call them. And at that time, I had three, three ethical agents, because it was still, it wasn't computer generated yet.

So they still mailed packages in, delivered, so I had three agents. Whoever got the job, That's who got the commission. I don't play games. Yeah. I remember one night, I had a showcase at the improv. All of them came out. And Josh Wolf was like, how many agents do you have here? I go, listen, they don't know about each other.

It's like the same thing as girls. Some comic will have three girls show. Three girls go. They didn't know about each other. And I called all three of them. One guy finally goes to me. The weakest out of all the three said to me, they don't want to see you.

They're looking for a name or a celebrity. And it burned at me for like two weeks. And I said exactly what you did. I went to play it again sports, and I bought a football jersey and some shoulder pads and a helmet for a kid, and I put it on, and it looked even bigger than what I was. And I had them throw the ball at me, and I resided the lines from the old longest shot, and I got the meeting, and I got it, dog. Yeah. You know, I did it for an American gangster. I did it for something else. The one with the bank, and I booked that, but then they cut the scene out.

I mean, dog, I was booking shit from it. I booked American gangster the first time. Then they hired, they got rid of Leonhard Capio, the Spanish do it at the time that was supposed to play the lead. The guy that won the Academy Award for Traffic. Venetio? Domitio del Toro was the original cop in American gangster. Then the budging thing didn't come through, so they hired Cameron Crow. Russell Crow.

But I booked that one from fucking tape where they were like, nah, they don't want to see you. Watch my smoke, bitch. sometimes you gotta show it to them sometimes you really have to show it yeah sometimes they lack the imagination you're like no let me show you what it is

before you say no what was the switch in your head or was it just is that just how you guys were born that you can say to someone like you can know like all right I haven't been getting it this way let's try something like was it four years here

was it three years here or is that just how you guys are that's just how how I am like I know where I want to be or I know what I want, I'll try to go the traditional route, what you're supposed to do? If I hit a wall, what's another way to get there?

And just keep on doing that until you break through. I thought about it this way. I thought about it that the worst thing they could say to you is no. Yeah. Okay? We're here already. What the fuck?

And, you know, you sit here sometimes and you could sit there and beat yourself up and go, why is it so easy for him? and I got to break my balls. God has a plan for everybody. So I took it that way, and I don't mind. I don't mind for certain things. Like, if I'm calling you for a weekend and you ask me for a tape,

I'll tell you to suck my dick. Right, right. Suck my dick guy. I'm a comedy store regular. Right. Who the fuck you got there this weekend? I'm like Al Pacino and Carlito's way. Who the fuck do you know?

I hung out with connected dude. Maid dudes. Who have you hung out with? Persnatching, Monique L motherfuckers. And it's true. You know, we're comedy store guys. So I got to, for a while there, people say, I want to tape. I'm not sending you a tape.

I'm a comedy store guy. Come see me at the store at 1145 ball moon, and you decide, bitch. So that got me insulted. But with the acting, I knew there was a big pool to draw from. You know, at the time it was big pussy. There was a lot of guys in my category that threw heat, but I knew they weren't comedy. See, that's where my confidence came in. I know they couldn't do what I'd do at 1245 for the comedy store.

I could do what they could do. but they can't do what I can do at the Comedy Store at 1245. They can't they shit their pants. You were speaking earlier about acting classes. Are there acting classes just made for comedians? Like, it seems weird that you guys are going to acting classes for actors. There was a guy in time when I got here. He was supposed to be the guy that turned comics into actors.

So the improv, you know, this is 1998. The improv had him there on Mondays from 11 to 3 teaching a class. It was like 60 fucking bucks. So it was 240 a month, you know. And I think I went to two classes, and it just wasn't for me. I saw a lot more ego than anything else. Like, he just wasn't. I got to tell you something, the best dude I ever had as an acting coach was a black dude.

I charged 20 bucks an hour on Gower. He had AIDS. He had AIDS. Is that why it was so cheap? No, he had a little school. If you go on Gower between Hollywood Boulevard and Sunset on the same size as Roscoe's Chicken, there used to be all those little huts,

thousands of little huts. He had a little acting class in that. The acting class was mainly at that time, $100 a month. But he charged you $20. That guy got me all the way to the end on a Travolta movie. It was between me

and Billy Gardell, but they liked this so much that they thought about just put me and Billy Gardell. They said, you know what, man? In reality, there was two stand-up comics with this singer. We cut it down to one, but we'll bring it back. And then Travolta decided to do the Scientology movie. Battlefield Earth? Yes.

Oh, shit. Yeah, he was going to play Jimmy Roselli about an Italian singer. I kind of want to see this movie instead of Battlefield Earth. Oh, Battlefield Earth was a fucking disaster. This would have been pretty good. I think Travolta would have pulled it off. This was a long time ago. This is 1999, and Billy

Gardell had already done a lot of TV work, maybe, and they came to see it at the store. They came to the Laugh Factory to see me, and the fucking store to see me. And then I went to Miami Improlam, was out of Miami, I asked Mike, call my manager, he goes, I got bad news for you. They pulled the plug on the movie. What do you mean? They had us. Jesus Christ. You know, Reza Zizi was here last week, a couple of weeks ago.

And I remember him, coming out here at first. And there was a string he was going on that you would have killed yourself. Most actors would have killed himself. I think he went to like 11 fucking what it was a screen test in a row. He was ready to kill himself.

And then the league guy said to him, every time you go, you get a little closer. You're going to get it. You're right there. It's just a pussy hair away from you nailing it. And look, you end up nailing the fucking league. You know, once you start getting all those coalbacks, that means there's something around the corner.

that's what I would do. Totally. And even if you don't get it, the people in positions of power have a familiarity about you. You're not this dark horse anymore. And they're like, I know this guy, I know what he's about,

and they have you in mind for something. So it's less of a reach the third or fourth time. My goal, when I used to have acting notebooks, like I would have a chart in the beginning. Like, let's say you opened up my notebook. I'd have like this, And then, let's say tomorrow, it would be three, six. I would have like three, six, and then it would be a chart that would go down.

And it would have, like, the name of the project. I'd have the casting director, and then I'd have the role I was going out for. And then I had, like, boxes, like, if I went to the first, like, if it was TV, in those days, it was always two callbacks, and then you booked it. For film, it was always won. Some big movies, when I first. got here that were pre-reads yeah there's still those sometimes there's still those where you read with the assistant then you come back and read for the casting director then you come back

again and i had planned that bro i would look at the uh the sides and i would go okay i'm gonna read this three times so i'm gonna put it together where each time is gonna be strong than the other before i even go into the audition like i would fuck bro i got into it i got into it like i was like i'm gonna have this audition for this this one for the callback and this one for producing They're all in the same neighborhood, but I'm going to do something different from each one just to show them I'm ahead of the game I would fuck him up Bro, it would take one time I ripped down the underwear as an audition It called for a fight bro pilots I'll shoot a motherfucker

Because pilots in the old days used to be a pretty decent fucking paid day I wanted for American family not this one there was a different one about ten years ago that came out And it called for a fat guy to be out in his lawn like the it was like a long like it was like a story about you you you leave your family's house and you move into you move into your first house but as you're walking in you hear some guy going hey it's beautiful out there it's a dude like me with short time you know in a kiddie pool frying like a hamburger a little barbecue but to him this is heaven you know what I'm saying his wife is a beast of burden his kids were all fucking diabetic and he's out there and I never figured I go what if

I was in there with a pair of red, white and blue underwear, like, V-cut. And I knew who was going. Like, in those days, I had a crew of Italian guys that would call me the night before, and they'd say, are you going in for that role? So I knew how I was going up against. And there was this dude that God, having him in his soul, God rest of soul, his name was something, Tony, something. He was in the movie Splash with Tom Hanks and John Candy.

He'd been around here a while. He was killing me, dog. I go to auditions He'd kill me He'd kill me So I had to figure out How to get this guy I'm fucking check

So I thought about that audition He called me a night before He goes I'm going in for it I know the cast director She put me in something else I said Oh this motherfucker is trying to piss on my leg And crack me

I went to the store That next morning I went to Kmart or wherever And I bought myself Some red, white and blue Fucking bikini shorts I put sweats over it I took a wife beater

That showed my stomach A little bit And I pulled it up up i scott scott's tape and i put them to the white beater and i got a warm-up jacket like with a zipper so you couldn't tell what i had underneath and i'm like joey if you do this you will book this fucking job because i used to book on psychological purposes yeah like i'll go in there and listen to what you're saying and i'll do opposite like i'll go and listen to what lee said you said the other guy and i'll do opposite you guys are all on the wrong thing you're all doing the same thing yeah we got to go in there

something different i never figured i walked in there and they're like hi mr dyes give us a second perfect that they turned their back to me and as they turned that back to me I took that fucking hooded sweatshirt off with my little wife beat this when I was 375

so this is a different game I'm 2997 now this is 375 with tight red wine shorts with white fucking cocaine legs I took those sweat pants off and when they turned around they went so

they just froze and I didn't even say action I just said, hey, you want a burger living like a doctor? And they just looked at me and they said, can you do it on tape real quick? I knew I had them. I had them on the ropes. I did it on tape, bro, before I got home, they had made an offer. Everybody in that room went down there for nothing.

That's what I'm the other time I went to an audition dog and I had a hole in my pants. For if you watch it, people still hit me up and go, are you an extra? And what's that stupid fucking show? How I met your mother? Yeah. I went into the audition, I had no underwear on it. When I went to sit down, the hole in the pants got caught in the chair, in the leg of the chair, like the arm thing, and it ripped open.

And my balls came out, and I sat down. There was three lady producers. I go, did you see the Cuban night growl? And they just looked at me, dog, and started howling. And, bro, what happened? I go, I forgot to wear underwear. I just told him the whole story. They go, all right, you're good.

I booked it. And then my agent called. I go, go back. You didn't even read. Oh, shit. I wasn't there for 30 minutes, just laughing about the hole in my shorts. Didn't even read. I went back, read, they booked me next day I get to how I met your mother.

Like, we didn't want you. They had no choice. Yeah. I fucked them up so fucking bad when my pants opened up because I just played along with it. What the fuck? It's amazing how the world is very different. Like, if you went into a meeting at Boeing and, like, tried to, like, liven up the room a little bit. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Yeah, I would have to do the exact opposite. So you would never really even like try to have a sense of humor done. I mean I would amongst my co-workers and stuff, but I mean you can't do that in like a meeting with people and stuff. It's very corporate and dry. How fucking crazy. I have to work and live that way. Yeah.

That's why you got out of, I'd rather shoot myself than be long of time. I always wanted to do comedy. It was always just sort of biting my time until I could make the leap. So it's not like I was just cog in the wheel and then I had an epiphany like I got to get out. that's a romanticized version it was just all very calculated and premeditated like all right

just keep doing this shit until you put yourself in a position to make the leap and so I mean it was fine yeah there's worse jobs but obviously this is way doper then

but one of my favorite sayings is take a chance Columbus did yeah that's it that's it and I felt like you can chase money

whenever that's always there you can always chase money what we're doing there's a window there's a window to do it how old you when you made this is a

decision? Maybe I was like 26? God bless you. God bless you. A lot of people don't know that money ain't dick, man. Yeah. Money ain't dick. You know, when you're young, all you want is money to impress those girls. And I never subscribed to that, though, which is... No, I did.

I did for a while, and I realized that they're going to suck your dick no matter what. You know what I'm saying? When you show up with a Corvette or Cosby Pill. And also, there's something... Somebody's sniffing your ball sack. There's something very alluring about somebody who doesn't subscribe to that. white picket fence and cars

and there are plenty of girls who like rockers who don't make any money or like comics who are there's something sexy about somebody who's just going after that and isn't getting the house and the cars and all that stuff because that's there's not a lot of

people doing that and they feel like oh you're tapped into something that I need those things but this person doesn't it kills me where I came to an age one day I think yeah About 30 when I said, you know what? This money shouldn't even worth it.

It's not even worth it. For years, I kept trying to chase it because I thought it would change my life, but it didn't change the thing. I was still the same person I was. And it wasn't until I changed my game up and looked at it. You know, when you get into comedy,

when you first get into comedy, unless you, you know, you were very smart. You had a day job. You know, and I had a day job for a while. Until one day you go, I'm not doing this no more. I'm taking a fucking chance. That's it. You know, it's hard to, we were talking,

about putting things into the universe how how many times I had a job the last month the last weekend or the month to pay rent I can't tell you how many times that happened but it didn't happen you know how many times I went to the store on like a Tuesday night like they didn't want to go down there and somebody would come up to me and goes dog I'm canceling Kansas City this week you want it the guy said you could do it if you want and you're like I wasn't even going to come down here tonight there was six people because in those days you would call and go how's the room and they would go there's like 30 people we don't want to come down here we don't enough people and you get lazy.

I was down there three nights in a row. You realize that just leaving the house is a big part of, the opportunities come just by leaving your apartment. Sometimes you can get discouraged early on and stand up and you're like, I'm not getting spots and I have no spot tonight. Why am I going to hang out? But like that happens, someone would be like, hey, can you do this out of sight, out of mind?

So it even just pays just being around, being around. You know, it's the hustle that it takes to do this. at this level is amazing. And I love when people miscalculated. I like when somebody thinks they have the fucking answer. You know, they don't know that I get up at six and I tweet and I fucking do this and I write and they have no fucking idea what you're doing.

Yeah, how much work? Then at 10 o'clock you call your agent and you call your manager and you have to check with your fucking emails and I'm starting to get scripts from fucking these podcasts and advertisers and, you know, your day is gone. And you're like, you know, and then now I still got two motherfucking spots. And that entails driving and valet parking and going in there and taking your mind.

It never fucking ends. But why are you here? Why are you young? You know, being young means you're a fucking slave, bitch. That's what it meant in my world. When I was, you know, until 40, it meant, forget about in your 20s. Like, if I had a normal life like yours in my 20s, I'd be working and getting my dick sucked on Fridays and Saturdays. Point blank. That's it.

I'm living to get my money. When I was 20, I was living to get high. But there were kids that had great jobs that were living to get their dicks out. That's it. That's all that was on their mind. Luckily, I had tunnel vision. This is all I wanted. So I didn't, I wasn't partying.

I wasn't drinking and it was just work comedy. Because I knew any, I used to play video games a lot. And I just stopped doing video games. Good for you. Yeah, yeah. It's amazing when you get to the next level of what you want. the things that you have to sacrifice. Yeah.

And most people will never, ever, ever, ever fucking grasp that. They'll never grasp that. And they'll sit and make excuses and tell you how you're gay. Somebody sucked your dick in Hollywood. You know, when you first start doing comedy, you start going to these D rooms. Yeah, totally. You know, El Paso.

There's a lot of towns that have like B rooms, C rooms. And you start working with these frustrated headliners. It's a real education. Like I always tell people, you got to do a couple triple runs. to work with guys that are in Seattle that are doing a triple run and have a thousand stories and I'll tell you why

they'll never move to L.A., you know. And there's people who don't Rod Long. You know, Rod Long didn't move to L.A. because the Seattle Super Solics were giving them work and the Seattle Mariners were giving them work and the fucking football team was giving them work. And he had four kids or two kids

and a wife, but there was other people from up that I just didn't want to do none. And I don't have time for that shit. Like this is something that you keep moving. I never thought. Like, did you really, you came out here to do stand-up? Did you think there was any opportunity of movies or TV?

Yeah, because I know that a lot of actors and stuff, they came from stand-up. I wasn't the type to just abandon stand-up if that were to happen, but I knew that, because I love, I like acting and things. I like writing. I like doing that. I never thought I would book on here, thing.

Really? I always thought that was a possibility, but I just knew that stand-up was my way into that, or that would happen as a result of it. I thought I would be an extra if I was lucky. Really? I don't know. I just look at you and you're just like,

there's not a lot of people like you. So I would think that you would book all the time and you have. I used to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In your mind, you just think, oh, I'm not going to. But sometimes you'll see people in Hollywood. You know, like, oh, this guy's such a type. He's going to work all the time.

I don't think they're sending me out as much. I think that they like that. Well, maybe because you've got some other plate spinning now. You got this. You got a stand-up. You have your special outs. I think they're holding it down and stuff like that. But it's, I think the biggest part for me of going back to the comedy store

is seeing guys like you and meeting guys like you. I never thought about this part of my life, you know. I went back to the store after seven years, and it was all new faces. I mean, it was all new faces. It was very cool to see guys like you and Rogan come back, who were such a part of the store. But not when I was there. I would only hear stories.

So it's very cool to see you guys come back into the fold and some other guys as well. Yeah. Oh, I love it with Ron White's down there and Chappelle. I mean, it's just, but it's really helped me to see you young guys. Like, I didn't know this is what it became. I didn't. When I first got to the store, the older guys were scumbags. They were the leftovers in the Kennison days that nobody talked to and they were like always had a story.

They were scumbags. I mean, I don't know how many times. had arguments and older comment. And that's why when I went back, I made myself promises. Number one, I wouldn't linger down there. I feel like a pedophile down there.

You know what I'm saying? I'm a fucking old pedophile down there. Talking for the waitresses and shit. I wasn't going to drink down there. Once I did my set, I had to get out of there because of the impression that those other old times left on me. They were the biggest fucking pukes.

And I'd love to say their fucking names, but they live in their own misery now because they're not even up there no more. At least we're still in the game. Yeah. There were some old guys up there that were just miserable, and they would watch you get off stage. Like, you could see them.

There was a handful of guys that would go up there every fucking night for fallouts. And root against you? Root against you. Root against you. When you got off stage, they'd say, hey, a tough audience. They'd be like five of them sitting by the pay, where the pay phone used to be. Like, they weren't really watching. But, like, if you had a good set, they made believe like they didn't watch.

How'd it go in there? But if you bombed, they let you know it. Rough night tonight, huh? And you will look at them and go, like, I could fuck use up right now, but I feel bad for you. I feel bad that you're at this part of your life and you are cheering against comedians. It's hard. Do you know how hard our job is? So that makes no sense to me when, like, they're your peer.

You should have love for your peers and just want everyone to do well. Like if your friend does well, it helps you well. I really go down there with a different mindset. When I go down to the store, I really try to not let my, I need to be a certain person when I go to the store now. You know, I need to act like an adult. See what I'm saying?

Like it's real important to me to act like an adult and help you guys out. Like, I'm questioning you, man. I don't never come up to you and go, I have a tag for you. That's never my business. Get the fuck away from you with your fucking tag. You creepy fucking fat fuck.

You have a tag. You have a tag. No. I don't know, no, no. I don't even have a tag for myself. Don't give me no tags, worry about yourself. I'm not that type of dude, but I'm there just to say, hey, man, that was tremendous. Because some nights I knew when I was going through a rough night, but there was one cool person who came up to me to say, hey, man, that was a great job. And you're like, God damn it, thank you, bro. And that night you go home and you go, you know, I shouldn't treat all the people at the straw down there.

There's still a couple of great souls. Sometimes I think I'm dying and I get off in the photographer, who is the nicest guy in the world. I'll come up to me and go, that joke about your boss, I was cute, and I'll go, you're the nicest guy in the world. Troy.

Troy, he's just a great guy. And there's times that you leave there, you're like, I'm not even going to go to the bar. I did so bad. And he'll come up to you and go, that was a good job,

man, that was a good job. At least you're hung in there. And you're like, you know, man, 20 years ago, those old, it was a fucking ugly scene,

like, from, from like 97 to about, 2000 like I was there the weekend somebody OD in the back like that's how crazy the store was these guys were getting there at seven and they were drinking and they were shooting heroin in the back oh the guy OD he's back in Nashville somewhere he still does somebody like can I have the spot what was that was another comic like can I have this spot oh no these guys would go up there sign up for the fallout list

and wait that's what you got to do in those days earlier you got there you'd be number one on the fallout list unless Mitty came in and then Mitzie were going Huh? At least I ain't them down. You're at number 10. And you would fucking die. Like that you just basically got down to do your first fallout. You know Joey Dears loves to cancel.

And also Mitty comes in and bumps you. You're like, but they were all those losers and they would cheer against. And then there was these other guys that were leftovers from the Kennison days. And they would go down there at night, you know, with their woes and their shoe. I got to go to Canada this week. You know, like, I'm going to cancel it this week. They were still talking about Kettison and all that shit. Then there was just a bunch of other guys down there that would just hate.

All those guys hated Dice. Like when Dice were coming those nights to bump. And I never hated, like, Dice was bumping me. And I didn't have hatred from him. Eddie Griffin was bumping me. And I can't tell you. You know what is to get past? I have to get a spot on Monday night at 10.30.

And for Eddie Griffin to come up to you right before you're going to go on stage and go, he did that to me. I had the house full. I brought 20 of my best friends from Seattle. It's opening the comedy store, and then he riff and bumps me. I could have hate them. I have no hatred towards him.

It was all in education, and sometimes you've got to pay respect to the guys that are up there. You know, I'm happy they don't bump at the store now. Right. I mean, it happens sometimes, but I get it. I get it, too. I don't give a fucking Deshipal walks in. He's tremendous.

Put him up. Let him go on. Put up. Put up Bronwyn White. Put up fucking Adam Sandler. Put up Sarah Silverman. They pay their fucking dues, you know. I would never ask the bump in him.

It would be outside of my round, bro. If you notice, when I get the light, I get all. Yeah. I don't disrespect, so don't ever fucking disrespect me and won't never have a motherfucking problem. That's why I do that. I respect comics with the utmost fucking... I was thinking about a weird

story the other day. I used to open. Like, he was talking about hosting. I used to host all the time on Sundays. I used to host and work the door for 25 bucks. That's how much Mitzie would like. I'd work the back door and then go host at the same time. What? I never forget I told this kid just the microphone was broken on the Sunday night

there was like 60 people in there and I said before he went on stage I took all the open mic as you know you have that list I go do me a favor don't touch the microphone and there was this one kid that I told my 10 times don't call wait at this motherfucker went up and did touch the microphone he broke it there was no microphone the rest of the they had to go get a microphone from the fucking belly room it didn't work and it kept sizzling and when that motherfucker came out I said something to him I got in his fucking face

because he, you disrespected all of us man while I needed to think no we just told you not to touch the fucking microphone you know we had to go to La Jollaue one weekend he kept calling the store that he was going to beat me up with his buddies

they still got the pool hall in the little pool table they used to have a pool table I took all the balls out of it and I strategically put them in the flower pots outside out of my pockets I took all the cue balls Chuck Norris

style and Steven Seagall and the one about Brooklyn what's the one about who shot Bobby Lupo I hit sticks I hit pipes I went behind the barn I got a knife I think I know why they took the pool table out when they took the pool table out I hit everything bro and these dumb fucks got together and they I saw the car at the top of the Hoy and I'm in front of the car who store and they're right there they're gonna make a left and they man I'm behind the door I'm waiting for him to come down I'm making believe like I'm smoking a cigarette I don't see him they come around the turn they come shooting down and as they kind of pull a fucking water gun out like those

big spray guns i take the fucking cube ball and i just whip it at them and it hits the side door and it goes boom they thought a missile hit them they didn't get a shot to shoot me with the water pistol they took off and called Hollywood comedy store and said joey d is throw cube ball out of this and shit this war went on for like two years of me and these two little kids i don't even do comedy no more it's like 15 years ago. You shared. So the special comes out when? Thursday, this Thursday.

Thursday. You excited, brother? I am, man. I'm very happy with it. Like, the way it looks and the material. Where'd you shoot it? Alex Theater and Glendale. Good for you.

Yeah. Just kept it in town. I didn't want it. It's nice being able to wake up and just drive to the gig, not off on a plane. You know, it's your own special. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And to do it in L.A. I know how the jokes do here.

I did the road, too, but it's like home court. I wanted to do it here. Nothing wrong with that, man. Yeah. And you're excited? Very excited. You got a little tour to back it up. It's PR stuff.

I'm going to go to New York at the end of March to promote that. And then doing the crapshoot festival in May. That's May 19 to the 21st. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In Vegas. What hotel? I don't know what hotel. I got to look at the thing.

But it's a nice little festival they got. They got some cool people coming out. Who else is in the way? Who else is it? Who else is the guy? I forgot the, man, I forget. I think Morgan Murphy. Okay.

You know, the crapshoot? Yeah, crapshoot. Adam Ray, Brad, Brad, Brad Williams. I'm trying to think who else. I think Beth Stelling's doing it too. I think Ian might be doing it. I don't know.

Good for you, man. You're making, like I said, you guys. Oh, Chrysler's there. Cool. David Tell. They have a little, uh, Bronger. They have a lot of people there. Josh Adam Myers is there.

Good. Is there Treyho, another, another comment? Oh, shit. Yeah, he's, doing well. He won the, he's hosting tonight. Yeah, so that'll be fun. But you did yours on CISO, right? Yeah, is out there. It's still out there. I really enjoyed it. Where did you shoot yours?

Chicago, at the Zanies out in Rosemont. Okay. I didn't like this downtown one. I want to shoot Zanis and Rosemont. So I think it was a great idea going to C-So. I think you made a good choice. Yeah, they let me do whatever. There was never any editing. They let me do whatever I wanted to. It came out how I wanted. They've been really supportive and everything. I wanted to be a big fish on a small island I wanted to really

stick out a little bit Yeah you can get lost Like Netflix is cool and everything But I'll get lost It was signed down They got the Chappelle with two And I thought that Cecil was supported

Like you said I thought that And they were really into it They were into it So like maybe I could have done Netflix If I just really hounded And like fought and scrapped But

Cecil was just so into it I was like let me just do this Yeah And I think it's a good choice And I wish you I mean bro You're one of the bright lights at the store. I watch you. Thank you so much.

I mean, what's the name of the character? Lance, Lance, Gistopoulos. Lance Gestopoulos. What's he about? He's just, uh, he's a loose cannon. He's everything that I wish I could be, man. You know, he just goes up there in a wife-beater and a mullet and just he's kind of like you, man, just takes the audience by the horns and just whatever

happens happens. Because I'm kind of heady. I have bits. I have shit that I'm trying to work out. Lance just shows up and whatever happens, happens and sometimes it's great. I knew you were doing something crazy. one. I'm like, what the fuck's he doing? He's got long hair tonight. And it's something

that the comedy store comics really like. And it seems like it's almost sort of similar to you, Joey, where you're not like a hidden secret, but like something like a favorite of everyone who's there every night. Because every time I'm there. Because every time you go up, something different happens. Like, you're not going to get the same Joey DS set

every time you go up. And I think doing Lance is kind of like my version of that. It's never the same. And there's something fresh each time. So I think that's why people like it. It resonates. Well, good for you.

I mean, listen, like I said, you wouldn't be here if I didn't mind you. I want people. If you supported me, man, do me a favor. Download his special on Thursday. Yeah. He's talented. He's funny. He's a fucking sweetheart.

Give him the code. Yeah, so it's a free month if you type my last name for the promo code. Give him the fucking last name. Anwar. An-W-A-R. There you go. Yeah, yeah. Free month.

I say it again. The last name? Yeah. Anwar. A-N. W-A-R. So write that down. Do me a favor.

Write that down. A-N-W-A-R. go to Seesaw right now. Type it in, you get another fucking month for free. So the month that you have with me must be ending by now. Because it's December, 8, January 8, that's it. You're out there. You can't watch Saturday Live.

I'm giving you another month an opportunity to help out my brother here, watch his special. He's funny as fuck. I think he's one of the bright lights at the store, and I think you'll love him. I wouldn't have money just to have money. He's a solid motherfucker. And he's with me.

He's with me, and he's one of us. That's it. He doesn't smoke. He's a decent. recent kid unlike Lee Syatt that's a fucking human dispenser of refa and edibles and sugar cubes and all that other shit and Chinese heroin Chinese heroin that's what end the year this year I got a batch coming fresh from Toronto so number two we won't shoot it unless you want it I think we should

shoot it at a whole what are you talking about I think we should get a nurse to come in here with IVs and fucking shooters down number one blue apron is the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. I hope you know that. Like, we always talk about Lee, his dad, I've had it. I love it. I just like my wife cooks. My wife likes to cook, so I let it cook.

I cook for the baby. You know, there's no blue apron for the baby. So that's the only reason why I don't get it. But if not, I'd be living off that family thing. And I'd eat the whole thing by myself. If I was a bachelor, I'd be getting the family fucking meal every week by myself. Three, four dishes. I'd be a culinary fucking chef of death.

You understand me? Blue Apron has established partnerships with over 150 local farms, fisheries, and ranchers across the United States. As a result, the seafood is sourced sustainably under standards developed in partnership with the Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch. Beef, chicken, and pork come from responsible,

raised animals, and the produce is sourced from farms that practice regenerative farming. Those who spend a lot of restaurants or at high-end grocery chains can now spend under $10 per person on the delicious meal. Cooking together builds strong family bonds. The research shows that Blue Apron families cook nearly three times more often. Featured upcoming meals, I got salmon piccata with orzo and broccoli. I got pork chops with miso butter, bok choy and marinated apples. I got vegetable chili, baked sweet potatoes with crispy tortilla chips.

Are you kidding me or what? And here you go. Spicy shrimp coconut curry with cabbage and rice. You know how to make that by yourself? You don't have a goddamn clue. Let Blue Apron help you. This is what we're going to do, all right? For less than $10, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along where people portion ingredients

to make delicious home-cooked meals. You're going to choose a variety of recipes, New Week, or Lake Blue-Eight Blue-Eye. Apron's culinary team surprise you. Recipes will not be repeated for a year. So let's pretend you don't get the spicy shrimp coconut carry with the cabbage and rice. You ain't going to eat it for a year and you ain't going to learn how to cook it. Each meal comes with a step-by-step, easy to follow a recipe card and proportionate ingredients that can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. Guaranteed, Blue Apron, freshness guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives

ready to cook or they'll make it right. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals with free shipping, with free shipping, with free shipping, with free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash Joey. Again, you'll love how it feels, taste, and to create incredible home-cooked meals with blue aprons, so don't wait.

Go to blue apron.com slash joey. Again, blue apron.com slash joey. Listen, you're sitting there scratching your ass You're waiting for this job to call you. You can't figure out what you're going to do. You sent out resumes. I got the answer. Lift.

It's that easy, okay? Every time I ride with Lyft, I get there safe on time. The driver's courteous. The cars are clean. They don't smell like ass. And it's a dependable ride. I like to tell you about a smart way to earn money and get an extra $500 bonus driving with Lyft. You're in between jobs looking to earn a little extra.

Looking to put money together for your kids' college fund. You're going back to school and you want another degree, or you want to get your first one, or you're writing your next great American novel, and you're looking for inspiration, all right? Lift drivers can make up to $35 an hour, and getting started is just a tap away. You can drive mornings, nights, weekends,

just flip into driver mode and start making Dore Me, aka Money. Plus, lift drivers could earn tips right through the app, and those tips add up fast and you don't have to wait days or weeks to get paid you can cash out instantly once you've made $50 thanks to express pay. Driving with Lyft is super flexible

allows you to keep 100% of your tips and it's always there when you need extra cash. Do me a favor again, you're just sitting there scratching your ass. Take a shot Columbus did like my man, Fahim. Sign up today at Lyft.com slash Joey. Again, Lyft.com slash Joey and for right now, Lyft has a special offer for our listeners. You'll get a $500 new driver bonus after you complete 100 rides in 30 days.

You could do that standing on your head. Go to Lyft.com slash Joey today and start making money and get your $500 new driver bonus. Limited time only. Restrictions apply. I want to thank Lyft. I want to thank Blue Apron. I also want to thank Ait.com.

Always sending me the best with Shroom, Tehrink. or the hemp protein powder, go to honnet.com and press in. Church. Bam! C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your first order delivered straight to your house. Listen, Thursday,

first thing you're going to do for me, and I'm going to remind you Wednesday night, is to go to seesaw.com and press in. Anwar. Bam! And get a month for free on the fucking arm. Like, I don't ask you people for nothing. Do me a favor.

Watch this kid special. You're going to love it. We'll be back Wednesday night, cock suckers. Tremendous podcast. I love you guys. Have a great week. Stay black. And remember, if they don't like what your dream is,

tell them to suck your dick. It's over.