The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #463 - Brian Redban

Episode Date: March 13, 2017

Brian Redban, Comedian and podcaster heard on "The Joe Rogan Experience" and "Kill Tony" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: DSTLD - Get 10% off of your first pair of DSTLD's premium jeans that start at just $75 instead of hundreds at DSTLD.com/joey Indochino - Go to Indochino.com and use code "church" at checkout to get any premium suit for only $389 (thats 50% off the regular price for a made-to-measure premium suit) and shipping is free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/12/2017.
  

That's evil right there. St. Lazaro, Texas. Duncan give you that? No, no, we've got to put it in the room because if not, you've got to have the yin and the yank. If you don't have the yin and the yang, there's nothing. This show is presented by On It. The Church of What's Happening now is brought to you by Indochino.

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That's dStldd.com. And go there and check out all their great jeans. I got jeans. I got a nice polo shirt. And when you go to DSTLD.com slash Joey right now, you're going to get 10% off of your first pair. That's DSTLD.com slash Joey. Kick that fucking muley. It's Monday, bitches.

Oh shit. Church of what's happening now. Monday, March 13th. Lighten. No big drama Monday. Red band. My main man Lee Syatt And Biggie, like fucking 20 years ago

With Puck Daddy and Little Kim Oh shit Over in Rio degenery Oh What What I want to be heard On your hot 9 7

Every day that's my word Swimming in women with their own condominiums Five plus fives Who drive millenniums It's all about the bingeous What? I get a 50 pound bag of ooom What? Shake it

Much. Five carrots on my hands with the cut. It's something you're a home croak out with the clutch. Here we go. Driving a broke vigor. I'm with most sippers. Watch by old vicar.

Whatever the fuck. You say, you guys remember the vigor? What is a V? It was a car by Accura. It was a middle range car by Accura. It was in between like the little one and the big, big one. This seems like a bad name for a...

Yeah, it was V-I-G-O-R. Oh, okay. And, you know, yeah, it didn't fucking sound. I'm good at all. It wasn't bad name. What's happening, a little brother? How you doing, Joey? Good, good to see you.

What's going on with you over there, fucking Johnny Flambay? I had a weird weekend. I had a piece of my tongue taken off removed. Okay, I'm a weird kind of lazy. I've had this piece hanging off my tongue for probably six years. Like a tentacle? No, like, I, apparently my tongue is too big for my mouth. Like, it just never ends for Joey.

But, like, I just, I got so, like, first I didn't go to the dentist for the first few years I was here. and then I went to have it removed but they were trying to make me come back like three times and it was in Beverly Hills it was stupid and then I've been going to this HMO dentist in Studio City which is not good either but he's been trying to get me to do it

for the past few times and I'm paying I paid him in cash he just did it we had no plan he used a laser I could see like I could smell my tongue burning what it tastes like what your tongue tastes like it doesn't taste it's it smelled like meat it smelled like meat burning it was it was weird I didn't taste anything, but it was non-good.

I call him up. He's like, I'm good, good, good, what the fuck's going on? He goes, the guy burned my tongue with a lady. No, I had novocaine. It never ends. It never ends. It's like my life, it never ends. How does this affect your life?

Because I don't need these type of phone calls, you know what I'm saying? Who burns their tongue with a laser? Who has a piece of meat hanging off that laser? I can see if you ate a crack hole back in 84, you fucking. Well, I have no idea how it happened. And like I thought like I just bit through it one night. And the doctor just because I apparently have a couple more like in the back, but on the side. What?

My tongue, I have a big ass tongue. But like it's always been weird for me because like my, I've always been fat. My least favorite part of my body is my tongue. Because I have, it's like genetic. I have like all these like little holes and cracks in it. Is it? Are you constantly playing with it? Like, like, like I was.

That's what meat and shit. No, it's not. That lizard meat, those fucking tacos, whatever you. for dinner last night. You have no idea what this guy goes through. Yeah, I've never heard of this before. That does not seem like you just have a big tongue. It seems to give us some kind of fungus.

He's down the block from Joe's pizza, but he goes to the chicken place. What do you mean? He's down the block from Joe's pizza at the fucking music place. Down, I mean, walking distance to stout, but he goes, he gets in his car and goes a mile to get the worst chicken. I mean, he's just got the, he is the kiss of death. The other day he said to me,

I heard it's a bad movie. I go, what's the difference? All you see are bad movies. He paid to see Faye and the sister. Who? What? Yeah. Remember when Tina Faye made the movie with the sister?

What? I put that on the plane. I almost shot the pilot. Why would you go to that? Because this is what I got to deal with. He went to see Bad Santa too. Even the double, even the couple, he was going to go double date with canceled on his ass two times.

And that wasn't enough. He still went to see fucking Bad Santa. Oh, my God. He is a glutton. For punishment, and for no reason. For no reason. He goes to Long Beach for New Year's. Okay, that was our-

Who goes to Long Beach for New Year's? And he rents a fucking HMO apartment. What do you call that shit? A gay apartment, Airbnb. No, AB&B. Last time he rented an Airbnb, he got ringworm on his head, and God knows what else.

Okay, I'm convinced that you just go to places and leave stuff that's going to give me a stye around the hotel room. He comes home early. He comes home early. I don't care what you say about people. The pizza was terrible. They were both sick. this never ends.

If he was just do what he's supposed to do, life would be so much easier for him. But he goes around it fucking two miles away. And we all do that when we're in our 20s. That's what we sweep on our 30s. Cleaning up the bullshit,

we laid in our 20s. Not telling the chick what we really like. You know, you tell your girlfriend, I'm a regular guy. But meanwhile, you're out with Chinese chicks getting your balls lit on fire with firecrackers. And then one day,

You cheat on her, you get caught, because you didn't tell her. You like to put it up her ass and come on eyeballs. You played that fucking, I'm a nice guy game. Every mistake we make on our 20s killed me in my 30s. But he keeps doing them. It's like a fucking, he brought his father out here. Got his father's stomach sick. He took him for lizard tacos.

It's well known around the corner that they have lizard meat, that tacos. Nobody goes there. The rating is even L. Like when you go to the rating, it's L. I told him this 18 times. You think he listens? No, he takes his dad. Dad, next thing he knows, dad's in the hospital, eating fucking mince.

Does he have tongue meat? Does he have tongue meat? No, he doesn't have... You have no idea what my life is surrounding him. This is one part, this is one aspect of it. Bad Santa, too, will make your brain try to escape out of your tongue. When he told me the couple canceled, I was so happy for him, I go, that's it. Then he made plans to go back, and they canceled again.

And then he said, fuck it, I'm still going to go. They walked out at the 10 minute. He goes to see a movie about a dog. He went to see fences. Nothing. I mean, this kid is the kiss of death. I'll take the dogs. I'll take the dog.

I'll take a beating if I deserve it. Fences, first of all, has like 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. It has, and it has Denzel. You don't like it. I hate it. No, that's what I'm saying. That's how bad Rotten Tomatoes is. It's all paid.

You know, Rotten Tomatoes is owned by, like, Warner Brothers? I don't doubt it, yeah. Is it really? Yeah. It's owned by one of the biggest production companies. I don't know if it's Warner Brothers are. Paramount, but they own it. So do you think the movie they just spent $100 million on, if it's a bad movie, they're going to let it get to a certain lower rating on Rotten Tomatoes?

No, because that's millions and millions of dollars. That'd be the dumbest thing for them ever to do. So what they do is they pick and choose which ones they have as their top fresh critics, you know? So like if this critic says, fuck, this is the worst movie ever, they'll just like replace him with somebody from the New York Post that liked it, you know? So it's like, it's all bullshit. You can't trust that. Who even knows what fences is? I'm there even heard of fences. It was a play.

I had no idea. I just went for Denzel. God, and she won the Oscar for that, by the way. If Denzel ain't got a gun, don't bother. You know what I'm saying? If Genzell don't got a gun, don't waste your time. The one with the plane was all right.

You know. Passenger 50, something. No flight. He was a drunk. That was a good one. I like that one. He's made great movies. But the last 10 years, if he don't have a gun,

don't waste you time. I tried to watch La La Land, man. I turned out. nothing off 10 minutes I turned them all on I turned them I came in here and said I watched la la land you'd still be talking about it I'd expect it from you this is something that you would do you would do this it doesn't matter it doesn't matter I'm not angry at you I just I know what you're watching I tried to watch that whatever Bayonne by the sea whatever that baby by the cell first 20 minutes the Affleck movie the Affleck movie was so I get all the burners from screen

actors guilt my wife my I I think my wife said the best movie she saw was the two black chicks that were engineers at NASA. That looked good. I haven't seen it, but it looked good. Yeah, like that. She liked that. And my wife is fucking plain Jane, so I kind of listen to it, but she chops through the bullshit real quick. Your wife's a pimp, man.

I hung out with her the other day. She's a badass. I forgot how bad ass she is. And now with the baby, she's even more badass. Like now, like the movie, she used to give a half hour to her. Now she gives them 10 minutes. Like, damn, bam. I got one hour to fucking watch.

a movie I got no time to waste on shit speaking of movies you sent me this crazy clip that fucked my world up I think it was Friday night oh me and the baby not well that that but no the uh with uh what's his name with the the Russian roulette yeah oh my god now you had never seen that no and you have time to watch parks and rec two or three times and you got time to watch red is the purple orange or whatever the fuck you watch it's the purple Whatever the fuck you watch You got time to watch all this stupidity But I sent you that movie

And it almost blew your fucking brains I didn't it And I was sitting at 1230 stone to the gills Loving it I was just going from scene to scene Listening to music Writing joke and I saw that scene And my head blew up

And I thought you were professional And you had seen it Have you ever seen that movie? Which movie? Deer Hunter Yeah long time ago But when he goes to get His best friend

I saw it in the 80s In the 80s Yeah He goes back to Christopher walking and playing at the table and when the guy smacks him and he smacks him back your fucking heart stops to look on theiro's face like staring him down like that motherfucker and he's telling him i'm gonna fucking kill you i'm gonna fucking kill you and then when he's playing the gun he keeps saying something to him to let him know that they're gonna shoot everybody

in that motherfucker it's crazy that's what those were movies were movies deliverance that's a that's another movie fucking i just rewatch that the other day i haven't watched that about 10 years because it scares the shit out of me too. I'm not going to lie to nobody at home. It scares the shit out of me, Doug. That movie makes me think like, I'm really in danger. People are walking by me that are like that.

Yeah, yeah. Like, if you watch deliverance by yourself, you really start to think you're in danger. Like, it really, it does something to your mind. It's kind of like Pulp Fiction, when they bring out the gimp and they, you know, they go underneath, the store owners, like, take them underneath. It's like that, you know, those people are out there,

you know, working at this chicken place, you know? and that Lee likes to go to that that will just take you and put you in the back room. Now you know why I like going there. Oh, Jesus. That, it was a weird movie. Like, Pulpiction, when you see that and you see, and that's, and that's, like, I can never,

I can't watch movies like you, Joey. I have no idea how you skip between scenes. I can't, I can't, I can't watch a movie out of order. I can't watch part of a movie. Who does that? No one does that. You do, you, like, you'll fast forward to find good parts. Oh, no, no, no, no.

When I watched the movie the first two or three times. Oh, yeah, of course. times I watched the movie but if somebody's over the house and I just want to blow their fucking mind for the minute we ain't got time to dilly down what I'm gonna work the 18 scenes before that is that what you mean no why would I show you what would you want what would you have done it that night at one in the morning when you got that clip you'd watch that whole four-hour movie to get to that scene yeah I can't I don't I don't I don't watch movies on TV well how do you go to a movie what makes you want to go to a movie what made you want to go

to bad Santa you saw the fucking No, no, no, no. I'm sending you a real trailer for the movie. Oh, yeah. I'm not sending you a fake trailer. All I'm sending you is a trailer of the movie, and you'll watch that movie. When I send you a clip of at close range with Sean Penn's gun and Christopher Walkins' head, and he's yowling at him that scene, you'll watch that fucking movie the first shot you get.

You know, that's just the way those, you know, trailers now are the movie. When you watch a trailer now, you better believe those are the best fucking scenes in that movie. and if they don't throw you out of your chair you're going to be in for a long fucking two hours at that movie theater you know I don't know when I stopped buying the I'm a movie guy guys

come on how fuck do you think I don't know how to speak English how do you think what the fuck do you think I've done all my life I'm a stoner I enjoy watching movies I don't enjoy watching movies no more like news stuff at all I don't know why and I don't want to be that guy that's putting the shit down

but I have no desire. Nothing jumps at me. I mean, nothing jumps at me, but I, and maybe it's wrong, but I go to the, I love the movie theater. There's nothing more than, and. But not to see a bad movie. Like, I refuse to watch a bad movie. Like, if I have a doubt with a movie, I'll just wait to the movie comes on HBO. Absolutely.

If there's a doubt before I park my car, walk, pay, pay again for my wife and walk in there, There's a doubt I will not go see that fucking movie. And over the years, my movie numbers have gone down and down and down. Like, I love going to fucking right here, Little Emily. You fucking kidding me? We parked the car, me and my wife, 1.30, we shoot over there. We get the popcorn. You put Pombers on cheese on the popcorn.

You go in there, you get brazenets. I get stoned to the gills. I put my phone in my side pocket. I shut it off, and I watched the fucking movie. Nobody at those times I can honestly say I came out in the movie was sensational. Maybe three times, four times out of 10. I like it when you go out of the movie theater and you just talk about the movie, nonstop for a little hour.

That rarely happens. Yeah, that rarely happens anymore. No, you walk out and you go, there's another two hours out of my life. I'm not going to get back. That you say when you walk out of every fucking movie recently. That new Star Wars movie, was it Rogue One? Was it good? Everyone told me it was fucking awesome.

I love Star Wars. I haven't fallen asleep in a movie in 20 years, 30 years. I fell asleep. like halfway through that. That movie was so fucking boring. The end was okay, but it's not, it was way too long. You didn't care about the characters. I thought it was bad casting.

It was, it was just awful. And I'm so mad that I spent, you know, two hours, three hours of my time, parking, fucking getting all this, spending all this money. I mean, I was out the door, me in a date, you know, 50 bucks. And that movie sucked. When I could have just rented that movie,

they were watching on Netflix and when people say, when you get three or four people, and they come to you and they say a movie, he's good. What do you feel? I mean, what do you really believe? Do you have one or two, right? Yeah. Like I totally, I, you know,

if Lee comes up to me and runs a restaurant, I'll fucking report it to the fucking health department. You know, because I know it's that bad. The car neither plays on victory. Oh my God, he's coming by the plan. Going there. And the owner's nice. Sure he is. Nobody else goes in there. They got no other fucking customs. Every time I drive by there,

the guys outside giving samples on Victory Boulevard. Who gives out samples on Victory Boulevard? I love it. They have carnita fries. Yeah, great. You know, I don't know what, like, I always think I'm getting bullshitted. Since I was a kid, I really always thought I was getting lied to. I didn't like sign that live. I didn't like none of that shit as a kid. All the shows that people said were popular, I'd go home and I'd wait to laugh. And I always thought, like, I was an immigrant or something, and they were playing games on me. Do you know what happened with cocaine? Do you know the first year I did coke? I did. did not get high. And I'm hearing all these people going, I love it. Oh my God. And I'm going,

what the fuck is going on here? Why am I not getting a buzz on cocaine? It was killing me, $50 a pop to snort it and go, nothing happened. I had a beer. I got fucked up. The first year, I only snorted Coke by itself.

I didn't get high. But then I started drinking with it, and I started getting fucked up. For a year, I thought that people aligned. I mean, like, there was a trick on me. Like it was a joke on me like every dealer I was buying it from somebody was calling them going give him the talcum powder You know it's not real coke like I've been lied to all my fucking life and when I see a lot of people come up to me And tell me something's good. I don't like it. It's like gambling

Gambling is very easy to figure out call 10 of your fucking friends and see who they like and bet against them You'll win every fucking you'll win eight out of ten times Eight other fucking ten times you go against the status quo when I used to work for for a sports betting service. It was mandatory. On the way out, I'd go, okay, you don't want to buy my services. Who do you like tonight?

And they would go, I like New England and the over, and I would go, you know what? One of your teams is opposite mine. One of your choices are opposite mine. And I would call them the next day. And it was just, it wasn't that I was a swami. It's that you're going to fucking lose. One of these two.

Very seldom are you going to hit two? A lot of people will hit two weeks in a row and then die the rest of the football. season, you know? So I don't, when people come to me with like a movie or a restaurant, I look at the, like I have one guy, maybe two. You know who else is horrible picking movies? Joe Rogan. Oh, he sees bad fucking movies. Oh, as much as I love him with all my heart. His movies are him and Eddie Bravo. Their movies are so bad, Eddie stopped going to the movies. Eddie finally told me two weeks ago he just stopped going to movies. Now he just kept going to bad movies. Joe goes to the

movies with his family, but he goes to see like, but he'll go see the werewolf for London and those types of remake that are just pure junk. There's nothing, you'll never see him again. Like all these Godzilla movies and King Kong movies, I can't, if I don't see Japanese people running, I don't want to see Godzilla at all. That's the way I watched it. You're in it just for the scared Japanese people. Who would pay to go see King Kong today?

Like, did it win this weekend? It actually, I hate to say it. And this might be Lee. But it actually looks pretty decent. People are running out. It's so bad. Yeah. I think somebody else went to see it.

The one I heard as good as the Wolverine one. Yeah. Logan's good. I heard that. I heard Logan's good. And I trust that because it's... I won't go see it either. No, that's definitely that's Netflix.

No, that's not my type of flick anyway. I had a weird relationship with movies. I know you did too. I mean, because I worked in the movie theater for like off and on for like six years. So those six years and then my friend at the theater had a card. that I could see free movies. So for six years, I worked there, and then my first two years out here,

I saw almost everything. So, like, when you're talking about, like, bad Santa, I know it's going to be shitty. But I remember, like, I'm just going because I loved bad Santa. No, no, no, no. I don't know. I have, I do it, I don't know. There's no sentimental movies from me.

Once I see a, what's that call? A number two? Are Pupis? No, what do you call the second movie? Oh, a sequel. Once I see a, sequel i already get fucking i already get fucking i already got ready yeah there's barely any sequels that actually live up to i really i'm done i'm done once i see sequel i know and then i see the

timing of the sequel okay like when those two morons when jim carrie and his partner did that one movie when they play them and dumb ones but then jim carrie didn't want to do it also he loses his popularity and now he wants to pull it off and i heard it was god awful just got awful i didn't finish that one you know it was forced like forced comedy you've never I've worked on movies see once they say once you see behind the curtain but I've worked like I got it I got it I got it when I was shooting the longest yard and I thought it was very embarrassing I got it that how the staff has to keep your spirits high while you're shooting a movie so they have to clap after every scene they have to

be it's like when you go to the improv and there's a comic up from like San Francisco or somewhere artsy, his friends come and they clap and they laugh differently so you can hear it. Ha! You know, don't do that. Don't do that. I'd rather, don't laugh. I'd rather you don't do shit.

Don't do that. It just sounds shitty, you know? That's the same kind of fake laughter on sets. You know, and I would watch it, and I studied that shit. I love movies. But then when I started doing movies, then you start watching the marketing of the movies and what they actually... I'm going to tell you what the saddest day in my life was.

The Super Bowl, when I watched the screening at the longest yard, and I saw Adam Sandler at the screening put his finger in his mouth and put it in the referees here. I nearly went back to my room and had a nervous breakdown because I wasn't there that day when they shot that. If I would have been there with that shot, I would lit the cameras on fire. Do you understand? Because that's the longest yard, a movie about convicts. comics don't stick their fingers in another comics ear or another fucking referee's ear

you know what I'm saying like all this shit like when I saw that style of marketing I thought the longest yard when we were on the set they were telling us it was going to be marketed a different way when we got there it was marketed completely different and that broke my fucking heart

you know Spider-Man was marketed how they said it was going to be marketed you know I was a Spider-Man guy when I was a kid but after your 13 you discovered titty there's no more spider man you know what i'm saying after you discover that little monkey there's no more spider man you're alive you can't show up with the girls and talk about spider man so i lost the spider man thing and then when the first movie came out believe it or not i went to see the first one

i wanted to date with my wife so let's go see spider man it was kind of i liked it i liked it i liked it spider man three ruined me for life how bad was spider man oh there's a scene where he's dancing like he's like bouncing on chairs like peter parker like being all romantic and it just crushed me. It was over. It was over after that. I can't get into that series, Spider-Man with Toby McGuire. And I can never get into... The new one's horrible. The new one's like Twilight Spider-Man.

There's two new ones. There's a Spider-Man, and then they just remade it again. And then Lord of the Rings, when those came out, I did not... I didn't get a job at Blockbuster because I told them I didn't like Lord of the Rings. The manager got real upset. I like Lord of the Rings. They're three hours long of the same thing.

I can't watch any of those. movies. I could never even turn that shit on. To Harry Potter. I call my wife Terry Potter. I call my wife Terry Potter. Because I come home and she'd be watching that shit. I don't even, dog, I have this like Star Trek. I've hated Star Trek since I was a kid.

Not because I like the characters. I like Spock. I like the I didn't like the music in the beginning as a child. When I was a little kid and I heard that music, it scared the fuck out of me. I don't like sci-fi. I don't like sci-fi. Did you like Star Wars growing up?

Nothing. I wouldn't go see any of that stuff if you fucking paid me. It's so weird how it was such a huge part of generations. Like, I didn't know how big it was until Carrie Fisher and her mother died. How many people went crazy over Carrie Fisher over being Prince Leila? I didn't know who the fuck Princess Leila was. When Princess Leila came on, I was smoking dope hanging out behind St. Michael's in the Union City. I don't.

Like, I never fell for none of that shit. a kid like even as a kid I got wise I would look at the trailers and go that's not happening that's not happening that's not happening and my friends were going I wouldn't go and they get pissed off at me you know my karate friends used to go to those things I didn't like none of those geeky movies yeah I I was pretty pretty much all the shit you were supposed to watch when you're a kid growing up Star Wars back to future gremlins goonies I watched all that crap that's all I had I lived in Ohio. I didn't have anywhere cool to go or anyone cool to rob. It was just like farmland and movie theaters. No, like I said, and that's why I'm really surprised at the movies today, like how I act

towards movies today. Like, I'm sad about it. Like, it really bothers me that I get great recommendations. Some people listen to the podcast really closely listen. And some guys really send me, like, great recommendations of like, like, what was the last one? Some of them. sent me that I put it on Netflix and it was fucking great. I even thank the guy on like Facebook. That's how I've watched all the black mirrors, right? The new black mirror?

No. You smoke a number and watch the new black mirror just the first episode. I think it's like an hour and a half long. You'll be addicted and watch them all in a row probably. They're just, they really are mind fucks and they really do a good job of using stuff that we deal with all the time

like text messaging and security on your phone and like really relatable like it's like twilight zone nowadays i don't want to watch tech you just lost me with text no no no that's just an example like twilight with a text message i like people getting shot i like i love love movies i love simple like they're there that watch the first wives club what the fuck like i'm one of those dudes but then i watch trains planes an automobile and then i watch uh you know i don't like combo movies where i see them coming like uh baby when i close my eyes that movie. What was that? Armigan? Yeah, you lost me in the middle of that. I like that. I like that. Yeah, I know

you do. As a kid. As a kid. Did you guys have VCRs when you were going? I still have my VCRs. I still have VHS tapes. That's where all my day. I still got some VHS tastes like early footage me doing stand-up hidden deep, deep, deep. I used to make movies. Like, you know, growing up, we would have a video camera and would use two VCRs to edit them together. Like, I made a movie about carrots coming from outer space called carrots. You can, Like, they're on YouTube. And it's, like, called Carrots 1, carrots 2. Doggy Dissolvers, another one.

But I would just make these short movies. We didn't have YouTube to put it up. So what we did is we just carried these VHS tapes around and go, hey, I brought my movie. You want to watch it. Stupid. You guys are so lucky nowadays. If we grew up at that, you know, having cell phones and stuff like that, do you think you would be doing a lot more, like, comedy stuff, like making films and stuff,

like if you were 21 right now? I don't know When I grew up It's not cool to take pictures Oh you's fairly Yeah but it wasn't around They don't have tape recorders Like they didn't react well to that type of shit

They're not Hollywoody You know they could give a fuck up So I don't know how it would have went They have a school now Like a charter school in my hometown And one of my best friend's brother runs the film And they do a podcast Call Pizza Time with kids

And cool You know It's to put the kids through a program of knowing everything what's going on now you know they do podcast they do short films you know i called them i when i went to new york last time i had an audition and i called them up and said can i put it on tape down there and he goes yeah but at six o'clock i couldn't do it that later i had to get it back here earlier so i i wish i had that education would i be making films probably world star stuff i don't know you know you know guys i i don't know no i never wanted to

shoot really a film i really liked what we did With the when we got the money and we did the documentary, but I'm not one of those people. I'm not you know, there's a lot of comedians that become directors and And producers you know what I just want to be a fucking comedian. How's that for you? It's never been easier like it like but even back then I had a A video camera that took VHS tapes and like I was always the one doing it because none of the other kids wanted to do it I was always that kid but now now you could it's all on your phone everyone everyone can do it I don't know how I feel about buying movies online, like digital copies of it. I would have gone broke as I used to love going. I would go to Best Buy or...

Hold on one second. You don't know how you're going to feel about buying digital movies. About buying, like, about buying, like, like versions of actual films. Like, if I was going to have a library, I have that, I have hundreds of specials that I download from people. But, like, that's people are just selling those on. I'm talking about. like if you wanted to go buy the outlaw of Josie Wales. Like have your actual movie collection digitally.

Oh, no, no, no. I want my shit solid. I say that, but I just put 15 boxes of VHS tapes, DVDs, and Blu-rays in my storage unit the other day. And I'm like, I'll never see those again. I know in like five years I'll forget and go, oh, I should throw those away or something. You know, like, to me, it's so much easier if I could have my whole movie collection on my phone, at my house, on my laptop, anywhere I would go. You know, I could just be like, oh, I want to watch it in the best version. version of it, you know, the best digital version of it.

I don't know. It just, I think it used to be cool back in the day because that was our only option. But like having a disc that can scratch or, I don't know, I just, I'm not into it anymore. I can't watch movies on my phone. Like, I refuse to let myself watch videos and movies on my phone. I don't even want to fucking go there. I got to make a decision because I got to get a computer. So my wife wants to get me a pad from Sprint where you get the hot spots, even at hotels,

where you don't have a spot and all that shit, so I always have access. Your phone has that. Right, something weird. I don't know. Listen, we're not going to get into it. But I dread going to the Sprint store. Yeah.

Like, I want to go get rid of this iPhone and just get a regular flip phone. Like a flip phone, go back to it. Yeah. Listen, I checked Twitter around here and Periscope. That's my only need to use something. Well, you won't be able to do Periscope on a Flip phone. Okay. I'm going to get a GoPro or something.

You can get a GoPro or something. Yeah. And then I use my fitness to put my calories in and the fucking alarm clock and the timer. That's all the use I have out of that phone. I don't have Facebook on there. I don't want to be on Facebook on this fucking phone and said, no, no, no, no, I don't want none of that shit. None of that shit. I don't text.

What do I need a fucking phone for? I mean, I really don't, bro. I mean, I'm to the point where a phone is becoming a fucking convenience now, having it in my pocket. I miss just having a phone at the fucking house. Okay, what about this? What if you get in a car accident and you need to film and take photos of everything in good quality? Oh, whoa. If I didn't kill the other guy, he's got a fucking phone.

Let him take pictures. I don't know. Why would you even put that on me getting in a fucking car? No, no, no. I mean, like, or what if. Who would fucking do that? I don't want to get in the car. Never.

What if Charles Bronson comes up, like goes, hey, I was going. And you're like, I want to take a photo. Do you ever see me take a picture with anybody? It's the most embarrassing fucking thing in the world. You want to do a blog? No, I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to do nothing. I want, you know, I want, this is what I want.

I want the Russians to hack the whole camera system in the universe right now. That's what my gift is for Christmas, that nobody could use their fucking camera. That would be the best day of my life. That would be the best day of my life. There'd be so many Americans that would be happy because we could live again. Without cameras everywhere and people taping you, every time you do something. You can't do nothing no more. You will go to jail for everything now.

And don't get me started on the pictures. when you're in a restaurant and fucking around. There's no reason for this shit. There's no reason to take all these pictures of celebrities and shit. I never would go up to somebody and go, can I think a picture where you get the fuck out of my face? Get the fuck out of my face, you know? It embarrasses the shit out of me.

And there's a time and a place for a fucking picture. That's the problem with Americans today. There's a time and a fucking place for a picture guy. It's not 7.30 in the morning at a fucking airport when there's 200 people that are standing there and they're watching you and they don't know who the fuck you are and now you're gonna get bugged incessively until you know what i'm saying you board the fucking plane or whatever that's what the goddamn problem is i saw charles berkeley at the airport he he walked right in front of me and some guy goes

hey charles he goes not even in a fucking like he told the guy i wouldn't take that don't take that fucking camera he knew him he knew the janitor like he's always in philadelphia at this airport wherever the fuck we landed the guy says charles let's do a picture he goes put that goddamn camera way. And you know what? I felt really fucking happy. I felt really happy. I thought I just felt like that.

There's a time and a place for fucking everything. I just was on a plane for four hours. I don't want to talk to nobody, guy. I don't want to talk to nobody. I want to say hello, how you doing and getting my fucking call or walk to the cab and get the fuck out of you. Those cameras have created to me

in my world, such a fucking nuisance. Because right now, if this fails, I can't even become a criminal again. You can't rob shit. You can't hit nobody in that. head with a stick you can't do nothing no more and it's getting worse it's not getting any better i got those new snapchat spectacles where there's just sunglasses and you just push a button just records uh says whatever you're seeing is recording video so it's it's going to get it to the point where

everything's going to be recording all the time yeah you can't be a criminal anymore you can't be nothing nothing nothing and it's appreciated you know for a lot of situations i don't know what the the fuck it is with LA County. There's more hit and runs in LA fucking county. Every morning I wake up to an old lady getting hit, you know, some guy getting hit. Breaking news, police chases every day. Yeah, every day there's a fucking run. How high is your car? My car insurance goes up every, like I haven't had an accident in the years, but it keeps going up because I guess where I live, they have 8,000 cars. Every day there's a police chase. Right. Like every day there's a police chase here. And your car, you're not doing anything different and your car insurance is just going up. It keeps going up. I would recommend getting a new car insurance. insurance for sure because mine doesn't go up ever I've had the same car insurance for 10 years insurance are you using mercury well there you go mercury is one of the worst car insurance companies in the road well here's the thing I got when I first moved here I had a shitty parking space and I had two people slam into me and I got into one accident because someone stopped short on the 405 and if you hit someone from the back you're in trouble and so so I have like one more year until

that's completely off because every time I try to go somewhere else. It's like double what I'm paying now. It'll take five minutes to get a new rate just online, just to see what they say. Oh, no, no. That's what I'm saying. It's like I have to wait until... I'd be contacted the general.

Yeah, exactly. I would love to see what that fucking insurance is about. Oh, that general. What about that? Have you seen that one around here? It's like Jessica's insurance. Like there's just as one lady now who just has their own insurance company. Yeah, could look at that.

Jessica. No, you got to go with the classics, like state farm, all state, shit like that. Yeah, they don't fucking her. charged me like 400 a month right now now you just put all your insurance together your renters insurance they give you a good deal you know ma'am i used to my first wife was a fucking her family on an insurance company i don't know how much money we spent on insurance every month we had insurance for fucking everything and i never saw the fucking value with it you know what was only we had insurance for everything we had insurance for the baby born i mean every time something it's raining let's get insurance

They had insurance for everything. I didn't know much about it, man. I didn't know how to fuck it worked. But I'll tell you one thing. Every time you look into insurance, there's always a fucking by the way. So, again, as an American, you always think you're getting fucked.

I got sag insurance. And there's always a by the way with them. You know, every once in a while, I get a call. We're going to stop sending you sleep apnea masks. Why? Because insurance canceled it. What? And then we've got to call insurance

and go, what's the problem? Oh, well, we know dog. No, this is forever. This is forever Everyone and then they make me go to the doctor every year like every doctor like I go to my Primary physician eight times a year for anything I get anything I go to the doctor But for me to get filters and fucking new masks and new everything they make me drive to third street Like down and fucking they get hard on you but he's fired he got fired after I lost my machine last time it broke he never called me back do you know why because what these breeding doctors did after we like I was going to him and it was great it was like going to a friend he even called into the

podcast one time and spoke about sleep apnea and got like four patients four people went down there he was great but then guess what happened he got greedy and he started selling sleep apnea supplies so every time I go in there I get an ear-beat and how I had to buy the supplies from him and I'm like no dog dog I've been with abguards this day one wow you know I'm an old school type of guy they work fine I know Jimmy I can call Jimmy from anywhere in the fucking world and then Jimmy oh overnight me whatever the fuck I need then guess what they did then they's opened up a sleep apnea place so now every time I go see him he goes hey it's been your year you got to do one of those sleep apnea tests I don't want anybody to

take this the wrong way because if you have sleep apnea I really hope that you're getting diagnosed because it only gets worse and the result is death so what I'm about to say, I hope it doesn't affect anybody the wrong way. The sleep apnea test, the primary first test you take to determine sleep apnea is one of the biggest painy asses you'll ever deal with in your life. I'm telling you this, I don't know how I did it the first time. They wire you up from head to toe like Docak. There's a little suction cups all over your body.

Suction cups all over your body and it's all plugged into machines, two or one machine. I don't know the exact thing. And then they play with your emotions. Because let's say your number, when you're breathing at, is two. Let's just say it's at eight. They'll leave it at eight to your fall asleep, and they'll turn it down to two to see how long it takes you for you to react and choke and wake up.

Wow. They do that to you like six or seven times. And then here you are at four in the morning, and they come and they go, all right, your test is over. Have a good night. And you're like, what do I do? at four in the fucking morning on Wilshire Boulevard. How do I get home?

Like, you know, I haven't slept. I'm going to stay the fucking, you woke me up every 20 minutes to lower the breath. And now you've got to drive home. I mean, it's horrible. It's horrible. And the time I went to his place, I could smell the cologne in there

from the people before, and you could smell feet and shit. I've been to take that test three times in the last five years, and I leave in the middle of it. I last one hour. Wow. Once they turn the power down,

I go, why are you turning the power down? Why are you Frankenstein in me here to fucking two? You know I'm at fucking 14. Why would you fucking try to kill me? Well, we want to see your reaction. There's no reaction. Bye. I take the fucking wires off and I go to fuck home.

One guy was really cool. One guy looked at him and he goes, dog, you need to get high. You need to chill. You got weed. He goes, fuck you. I own a weed store. He owned a weed store and he was a sleep tech part time. Yeah, if you have sleep apnea.

I feel like I have that. I wake up tired. I wake up like, okay, I feel like I didn't get any sleep, and I want to go back to bed. That's how I wake up every day. Does the girlfriend say you snore? I've always snored, but it's like, I think that just comes with smoking cigarettes. Because you get goobers when you smoke cigarettes. So when you're sleeping, you get that, you know, that extra phlegm in your mouth.

I think if I quit smoking, I probably wouldn't have it. But, well, when I quit smoking very soon, but. What happens when you, because every time I lose a weight, I stop snoring. Yeah. You have a big fat tongue with like worms coming out of it. I do. It's terrible. I just learned something about parliaments. Parliament cigarettes. I don't know if I told you this or not.

So people that do cocaine usually smoke parliaments because they can put cocaine in the filter. You know, instead of using a key, they just do this, put it in, whatever. And so I'm looking at this box the other day. And there's a line of Coke right on the front of the box. You see it? Do a line. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's even an arrow pointing down at it like, hey, idiot.

So they market it. They market it to cocaine people. Yep. I never bought parliaments, but if you had it before them all, that's your fucking smoke them if you had them. No, uh, Jesus Christ, it's going to be 10 years since I'd last that blow. Yeah, that's what I remember.

I remember when you used to do it. 10 fucking years. It's a long time again. You know, I was telling these, I was telling somebody about the time we were tape. to Joe show and you taped that conversation. Tell these people of my lobe. What,

what date was that? It was about 10 years ago, 11 years ago. It was right before I got off. Yeah, right before. It was like the winter before I quit cocaine. And you used to be, you were going through something where you kept on getting really, like, serious,

where you said, you know, you feel that your spirit has left you, you left your body, that you're over. Like, you really made everyone in our group believe that you were dying And you were like not telling us something or because you seem like you seem like you lost a thousand dogs, you know, like I mean it was it. So we, I recorded you. I documented that time. The video is somewhere on the internet. It's called Joey Diaz ready to die. And it was really

interesting because that's when I first started meeting it or I first started. No, no, I was tight with you by that point. Yeah. We had been around me. It's been like a couple years, you know. But then I saw you overnight just become this person. Oh my God, it was terrible. And the shit you were talking about, it wasn't the Joey today. It was like the sad version of you. No, no, no. It was, you know, we had Chris Herod on the other night.

And he went through a bunch of drug shit, you know, and that's why I wanted to have a light podcast tonight. I said, I want to have some jokes and fucking around. But somebody had asked me about those videos recently, and I told him, go online and look at the shape I was in. Like, I remember exactly. what I did that weekend. Like it was, I spent

maybe 600 bucks that I did not have. Like at the time, I did not have this money. And in those days, I had a guy that would deliver right to your room. I met him at the UFC. I remember that weekend. This is crazy. You know what? I don't know if you remember this.

You gave me a little, and you put it in my front pocket and my coat. I forgot that I had it in there because I was wasted when you did that. I found it about a year ago. I put on the jacket, And I pulled it out and I was like holy shit I know what this is from I did it too It was great that was still it still worked my friends were in town from Jersey

I was there with you Rogan and somebody else Ari maybe yeah and I basically went to the room when we got there Got the delivery I didn't do any coke before the show and I think right from the fucking show I split But why we were there like two nights in jersey no no and we shot that in Vegas yeah we shot that the second night right i think we were there what the first night was the ufc or the second night was a ufc so we filmed the special and then there was a ufc or something like i left the ufc like joe said something to me like he goes my friend the lawnmore guy said you went and left and i go oh people were bothering me making asking me questions about adam sandlin they pissed me all right but joe knew i had lied to him like i couldn't

even watch the ufx Like I was like I gotta go to the room and get hot and the guy was bringing me Vicodins and Darvissettes and Valium and you know me I was eating all three of them Together like fucking and then we go to do this show and it's me and you're like what's your problem or something? I go you know man It's fucking over like it's over for me like I don't see me First of all I've been here for seven years or six six and a half years or no at that point eight years I have no success at no level like the only success I had was the comedy store and I booked like mad TV and like cold case but there was no success and then I got a shot to do the longest yard and the movie comes up number two and all these people on the set of gone

dog when this movie comes out your phone's not going to stop ringing well the movie came out and then the phone didn't fucking you know not at all like I got called into two pilots or something and I got a meeting with Tom Hanks that was it like no nobody else called so it just kept mounting like it kept mounting mounting mounting so the movie came out in May of 2005 by fucking December 2005 I was a mess and all the two now 2006 I got the fat ball removed that's right and that was we thought you knew what that fat ball was because you would say make it cute like you like you'd have jokes about it like giving it a cigarette or something and like how

You just had this big, like, cyst-type thing on your neck. And a cyst on my fucking neck. You just told us it was just fat juice or something like that. And me and Joe, I think it's something worse. That's why he's so depressed and he's going through this. Then we thought you knew what it was, and it was like you didn't want to tell us. Like, hey. No, no, they knew from the beginning.

It was, it was so weird. It had no cancer in it. I just, uh, I couldn't do this girl. I was dating any justice, you know? I was fucking failing as a comic. You know, the only shot I got, Nothing had turned from it. And I was deep in the bag.

And by that point, I was deep in anything you had. By 2006, I was deep into whatever you had. Like, when I went to El Comparre, if you had, you know, I went through the crack episode. You know, I still remember getting the surgery on Tuesday, not doing Coke like one day before. Like they said, stop 30 days before the surgery. 30 days. I stopped the night before. Like, I stopped.

Four in the morning. Yeah, and then I fucking, I'll never forget going home and snort and coke and blood was coming out of the stitches. Like, what point of your life do you have? I had nothing, man. And this poor girl who loves me, I can't do nothing, I pay half the rent one month, and one month I wouldn't pay rent. Like, we had to get a fucking loan for $600 a month. For six years, we paid $6.36 a month for six years from the disaster I did at that house. And it just wouldn't work.

And then Joe was just, I was just doing road gigs with Joe. And basically snorting my fucking ass off. That poor kid. And he knew it. And he was starting to get depressed on me. Yeah, he gets upset about that. He really was getting upset. Yeah.

And then 2007 hit and I was on a real tear. And then I started doing heroin. That summer I was like, you know what? I'm not going to last. I'm going to just do heroin and that all. Slow it down. And then by the grace, I still remember going to San Francisco with you.

And we were at that fucking hotel with the nautical that had the red seafood soup. Yeah. Yeah, the red chowder. The red chowder. From the mermaid place. We stay that. We were at Cobbs.

Yeah. And we would stay in there. And I still remember going to San Francisco and being clean for two months. Like it was the exact date. Like January, we were up there. And remember the room was sold out around. the corner and it was me you yeah remember remember they found a suitcase across the street from the hotel in the water in the ocean and it was a woman chopped up in pieces do you remember that and there's

that famous picture of me and you both sitting in uh in the windowsill and we're like we're both squeezed into this window sill we're looking at the police uh across the street like taking the body out of the suitcase out of the water it was just like wow we're just watching this crazy It was such a bad Like part of me Want that tape to get taken off But the other part of me, no Because I want people to see where I was

It's not whenever I look at it, I don't even know where that person is And it's a good for people to see that Because a lot of people go through shit like that I tell people, dog, just hang in there Stick it out and you'll be fucking Like we talk about it all the time The beauty on the other edge, the other side of this Like what's happened, I got married

You know, the baby I mean, the beauty has fucking evolved. And anyone in our group was going through shit. Remember? Like, Ari was going through depression. He thought he was going to die soon. Duncan was going through a horrible breakup. Eddie

Bravo was so poor that, like, he was so broke. And then overnight, everybody has, you know, really changed their life around. Like, it was some, it's just to show you, man. Like, so many people come up to me and go, you know, if it wasn't for the podcast, I

I had no life and I was just working this horrible job and I was impressed all the time. I didn't want, you know, I thought my life was over. And then, you know, they started listening to podcasts. Now they felt like they have friends and shit like that. You hear that shit all the time, you know? So it's really interesting that we documented that time of your life because that, that really was a, one of the first times I ever had a friend really, like I felt like when my friend was going to die. That's never happened before in my.

I've had people just kill himself. but I've never had somebody like... I didn't think I was gonna kill myself. No, I thought you were gonna die. I just thought that my... I had a hip-on. I just thought that my heart was gonna stop. And then something came over me.

Like when I went to, when Maryland got the cancer, that was it. Oh, that was a horrible. That was it. Freddie Soto. Yeah, but once Maryland got the fucking cancer was when I went to a house, and I'm like, you know what?

Dying doesn't look like fun. Yeah. It really doesn't. As much as I don't like what I'm doing and all the problems I got going on right now, you know what? Dying really doesn't look like a lot of fucking fun, especially having cancer.

I mean, she was fine at the store, and then I find out she didn't go to the bathroom for two weeks. And the next thing you know, she's in the hospital, Jack. Yeah. That was overnight. That was overnight. Yeah. Over fucking night.

So once I saw what was going on with her, I was like, you know what? I think I'm going to give this life a chance. Let me just see what the fuck we could do here. That is cool. Where do you get to any one of these poker bowl things? These are the people that sponsor Doug Benson's podcast years ago. Yeah.

And we went on there and the guy said, you never got your poker? And I go, no. I bumped into a real nice guy at Perennial. And he mailed me this for Christmas. So it was very nice. That's great. Yeah, that's a perfect invention because instead of using like a pen, a big pen and ruining your pen. We had the Trump.

We had the fucking Trump pick. and the Trump pick we had the Trump pink with the pins for each candidate here wow do you guys remember like what you guys

thought the internet was like when you first heard of the internet what did you imagine it was going to be for like what were your first impressions of the internet the first internet I used was weird it was like modem based

and my friend was the he was a huge nerd at that already and he would like hack our library and he could like take books off you know like we had past two books and stuff he found a way to dial into the library and then access their mainframe or someone Ferris Bueller sort of

it was like early cloak and dagger days like I didn't then the real first internet when it was like AOL 1 2 it was so slow it was neat but it was like photos and stuff and you know it took like five minutes to download a photo of a naked girl and usually just started masturbating

and he got to like the top of the nipple and you're like all right i'm not i'm done you know i don't know i didn't think it was going to be like this broadband is what really changed the internet you know fast internet i don't know nothing about what you guys are so he's now he's getting upset because we're talking no no no no no this just to tell you how i was moving along life with no knowledge about this yeah what you used to like even in the videos that we were just talking about you used to not you'd scream fire if if somebody texted you or left even a voicemail, you know, back then. Well, the voicemail thing just seemed.

I hate him. I fucking hate him because there's no need for the voicemail because I tell him that you called. When I look and it's a fucking 22-minute voicemail, I don't call you back just out of principle. I don't, do you even, like, my, what I guess you do is you're like the only person that calls me. But I keep my phone in private mode or, like, night mode so that any phone calls just goes right to voicemail. Oh my God, that gives me some anxiety. I don't talk on the phone. I hate the phone.

I hate regular mail. I check my regular mail every three months. I empty it out into a trash bag, and it's like 10% shit. I wish I got this earlier. But the rest is 90% of trash. You know, it's like ripping off the Band-Aid. Instead of going to the fucking mailbox every day and getting crap in there, and you just have to throw away, I just do it every couple months.

I just put in a trash bag. It's mail day. It's horrible sometimes. I like, jury summons is bad because you're like shit. I don't think. I like the fucking mail. I like when I get letters and shit. I had a friend that was in prison.

I kept writing them letters. We kept writing ourselves back. I got to be honest with you. He got out of the prison and I fucking miss it. I really do. I miss writing them handwritten letters and explain what the fuck's going on and shit. We call each other now. He's in the halfway house and San Fran.

But fuck, I miss writing those letters to him. So, go ahead. Another one. Let's do this now. What the fuck? You've been dicking around lately. Last time I was here, Lee, your eyes were rolled back in the head. I've been going through training.

We might have to know. You've been going through changes. I had $1,600 tonight. You made $1,000. And you got to do two more still. You got to break the bank tonight. You're unedibles. Yeah, you're unedibles.

You're going to do that bonging. What are you waiting for? Flowers? What are you typing in? What are you going to call? And people get mad at me. It's just the cameras. And when they see my fingers, they're like, you're twitching.

You're having seizures because of the marijuana. Well, there's a lot of people that worry about. you because it's pretty interesting that you keep up with Joey if you know that's just I mean yeah I've never even tried to attempt that and I've been hanging since 14 I've been doing mushrooms you know so it's not the strength it's uh no he's done greatly he's done really good I expected a couple ambulances to come by I know how do you have new ambulance you have to keep the milk in the refrigerator like oh this fixes everything you know you know we've done the acid we did the whole thing I did not have any clue of the computer when I met you guys.

And the most impressed, listen, I'm like fucking Eddie Murphy in that delirious. You want to impress me, take the wheel. I'm going to tell you what made me open up the computer. Fourth of July weekend, 2008, when I saw Rogan sell out the Irvine Improvon with no radio. Like, he didn't have a touch of radio. And I'm like, this kid's on to something. Is it MySpace? It was MySpace.

And I went and I got on MySpace. And I always had a Hotmail account. I've had a Hotmail account since 97's. You still have a Hotmail account? Oh, fuck, yeah. Has that given you, that's dangerous, isn't it? It seems very dangerous. No.

When they see Hotmail, they think of old people and fucking retarded people. They don't think of nothing. The only people are getting hacked to you, motherfuckers. So I had a hotmail account for you. years. I still had it. And then I went on MySpace and then I still, my space had a blog thing. So I started writing a blog on one day. I remember that. That was god awful, but I didn't give a fuck. It wasn't what I was right. It was just that I started remembering my life again. You know, I saw how important it was. When I first moved here, I had nothing to do in Doug Stanhope was say,

write your life, bro. That shit's fucking interesting shit. And I go, what are you talking about? Get the fuck away from me. It took me like 15 years. years to start writing and remembering different events and you know like just really but that was the first time i ever used and then i was going to Vegas to do what's that stupid thing i used to do where they used to we used to spy on you with a camera and we catch you Tracy morgan was the host yeah what the fuck i forgot all about that yes i would fly to Vegas on wednesdays oh my god can you find that anywhere oh please they're all on youtube oh sweet they're all on you too i got i forgot all What's name of that show I did Lee?

I don't even know. They're getting camera. Oh, the scared facts? Scared tactics. Scare tactics. That's right. You come in like, what the fuck? Like a mafia guy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was shooting scare tactics. But at the time, I go, well, you know, like I was really trying to beat Coke. So I would join Taekwondo. And I would go if I snort, if I, like, it would kill me to go to Taekwondo because it was at 7. And I couldn't touch a line of Coke.

So I went to Taekwondo. Even if I didn't have a set, I would go, fuck, I want to do a line of Coke, but I would make me go to Taekwondo. And I would see, I would go to Taekwondo the mornings. Then I found out he had 1030 class, so I'm like, whoo. I'm going to go to Taekwondo in the morning. Here I am 400 pounds with a karate suit on. All right, doing Taekwondo on Sunset Boulevard. And I would see, like, Chinese people, like tourists, like a 930 quarter to 10 walking up sunset boulevard.

Boulevard and they'd just be looking from window to window, you know, like, oh, look, that's an interesting store, and that's an interesting, and all of a sudden they would look at the karate school, and they would actually look in the glass, and I would see their look the size of me with a guion, throwing sidekicks and shit, and they would call their friends over, and they would all just put their hands on the glass and watch me, and I felt like a fucking zoo animal, but it felt good in the way. Yeah, I'm in here throwing fucking sidekicks, you know, with the guion, and one day I'm coming back from sky. I wake up on morning. And I'm flying back from fucking Vegas.

And I'm like, what if I put a fucking karate suit on and did a form on YouTube? That's exactly how Joey Karate was born. I would see people's reactions when I was throwing kicks over there. And I started doing Joey Karatis. And people went nuts with the Joey Karatis. I was getting fucking hit up by everybody. Like, I was getting hit up by karate instructors. People wanted me to do seminars.

There was a fight league that wanted to hire me for me to go during their fight league and walk around and talk to people in the audience or karate suit on. You have no idea how hard. If you wanted to, could you have had like a career going around the country and like a karate suit doing like weird karate comedy? If I would have committed to it right now, I would have been going to parties. I wouldn't have been selling out of arena as Jerry Karate. But I would have been doing my misvers with a small nickel. what I'm saying? Like some fucking fat

chopping ham in half. Yeah, we want Joey Karate. You know what I'm saying? Like, no, if I were stuck with it, I think by now, like, really committed to it and got different geese and up the production value, like fire getting shot

at me and shit. I would have been huge right now. I would have been going to kids' parties. I would have been like a fat superhero. Around the same time, Joey got a deal with Verizon. They used to have this thing called V-cast when videos first started coming on phones.

And he had this idea to have this thing called Fat Man on a toilet. And what it is is Joey Diaz sitting on a toilet naked, but then telling you the morning news or traffic or weather. And it was such a ridiculous idea. But Joey's like,

you got to come up, record me over at my friend's house. It's a hundred and twenty degrees in this bathroom and the side of this house. And I have a camera. I'm right in front of a naked Joey Diaz on the toilet.

And we were just doing cut after cut after cut of like, today the stock market, blah, blah, blah, like that. And then the woman who owned the house is wife, or the person who owned the house's wife, he's like a movie producer or something. I forget it. But she came in with lemonade. Remember?

She's like, would you guys like any lemonade? She just looks over at Joey naked on the toilet. And I remember thinking like, what the fuck am I doing with my life right now? Like the smell in that room. And then I started throwing the toilet paper and I hit you in the balls. Oh, my God. But here's the funny thing.

Let me tell you something about that concept. Let me tell you what the funny thing about that concept was. That concept would have worked four years ago. We were actually seven years ahead of the game. Yeah. Because right now, if I put that periscope, if I put a camera. If I fucking take Periscope and every morning I wake up and I take a shit and I do it on Periscope where weed, soda, the fucking newspaper, the fucking TV.

and I announced the news, like, while I'm watching the news, I'm just taking the shit the camera's on me, and I got a newspaper, I got something to eat in there. You should do it right now. No, but I got no way to shit, and I don't have to shit. You have a fancy toilet now, so you could also get in with the toilet manufacturers, like Toto or something,

and they can start sending you them. And then that would be a good idea right now. I think it would have been perfect for Snapchat. What I really want to do right now is the other night, that night I sent Lee the video of Dea Hunter. I was going through some. In fact, we're going to play these two real quick. I want you to play Would I Lie to You by the Eurythmics.

You know, I'm sick and fucking tired of hearing about women, women, and their rights and how they should act. No, no, no, no. I'm not going off on a bad tangent here. You know, it's like, it seems like, especially in Studio City, I talk to this girl on my block. and every time I talk to I get depressed dog because I know her for 30 years and she used to be a strong fucking woman and now she's brought in into this hype

okay I want you to watch this literally you're gonna die who's in the beginning of this video all right would I lie to you the Eurythmics let me see what they have I'm gonna show you two videos that one

but go all the way to the beginning would I lie to you all the way to the beginning I think we're at the meeting no no no you're not The beginning is keep going right there. That's the beginning. Watch this and put the volume onto this. See, this is how long this is.

Watch this woman on stage. So I want to do a show where I just get two or three videos a night on Periscope and show people these music videos. Click it, Lee. Hit it. Watch who's in this video. All right, because... No, no, leave it right there.

I'm sorry. Put this on loud. I can't understand it, man. Look who's in the video, Lee. You ready? Hey, who's the going on, come with her. It's really strange. Look a little boyfriend is in the video, Lee.

You're gonna be home late tonight? Huh? You know something? What? I might not even be there. Fine. You know? Okay, come.

Have fun. Who is this? Stephen Bauer from Scarface. Oh, shit, it is. That's how all this video is. Do you remember this, uh, Red Band? Yeah. Lee, she rips this fucking place apart.

This was the fucking 90 and the 80s. she didn't give two Frenchmen's fuck about what you thought in this video this video she is so good Annie Lennox I watched this video 10 times the other night I kept smoking pot and watching it over and over again and I'm like you think Allie fucking Lennox is worried

about what's this Lee I don't want you to take your eyes off Annie Lennox at all all right watch when she walks up she has a nervous look on the face watch Lee Watch, there you go. Now watch Annie Lennox, motherfuckers. You tell me she's a weak motherfucker, and I'll tell you something different.

Look at Annie Lennox. Ready? Look at this crazy bitch. Here we go. Oh shit. Look at it, no tits. Skinny, fucked up hair. Look at her.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Look at Lee's milkshake right there, a little sister. How can you tell? That little one on the left side drove you crazy. He came fucking around, guys. Everybody else is complaining. Everybody's mad about Hillary Clinton.

Look at this. Here we go. Beautiful eyes. Now put on Heart Crazy About You Live, 1970 fucking 7. Heart crazy about you live. Yeah. Do you like lipstick, Joey?

I love lipstick. Red lipstick. You're a fan. I love lipstick. I look. It looks tremendous. And I like what. the lipstick matches like the fucking shoes you know i'm saying like they really throw you off what's

going on leigh all right so we're gonna go to i like i like i used to know her it was just from the it's from youtube i didn't do crazy crazy on you live nineteen seventy six you see it click the unto that wait till you see this poor woman right there the top one now this was when fucking this is the 70s when women were fighting for fucking equality. Look at this chick right here. In those days, people would yell, get off the stage, you bitch. You know, no.

She went out there and demanded fucking respect. She had pieces of toilet paper in her bush, though, I bet. Watch this chick. Watch this chick. And they don't know what's going on. I really don't know what's going on. I saw this once. My head almost blew up.

She was really pretty then, too. I watched the chubby one. She even looks good too. The chubby one was really good. Here we go. Watch this. She's going to kick this fucking thing over. Oh, okay.

This is crazy shit, man. Look at the chubby one now. Yeah. She looks great, too. Such a great voice. Yeah, no, no, both of these. So I got to show people these videos. People don't know dick about these videos, man.

Where's fucking Tony Bennett? That's like if Wonder Woman just starts singing. No, I got to show people these videos. So I'm thinking of doing a periscope show at night of me, showcased in like three or four fucking videos and every night breaking down the history who was this, maybe like 20, 15 minutes. Yeah.

I always was a big fan growing up with Jay Giles band. I want to be around when I was really young. To pick up the pieces when we need another star. Jesus.

Should I put this finger nail on me? No, we need it. Thank you. As I... I love this song more and more every time I'm here. I've been listening to this song on Mondays for basically 45 years. I took like a 10-year hiatus off of this song, maybe 15-year hiatus. I listen to it every Monday while my mom was alive, and I thought I was 15, so that's 15 fucking years.

This song came out the day I was born. How fucked up was crazy? The same year? Same day. This came out February 19, 1968, and my dad was singing to my mom. Then my dad died, so my mom would always play this song for him

on Monday morning. So I got in the habit of playing it. After she died, I had the album when I lived in Colorado, and I would play it on Monday mornings and smoke a joy for the spirit. But that happened. That's Joey's song.

That's my song. Brian's song, something different. He released that song on my birthday, and one of my favorite Cuban singers, Marie died on my birthday you know what I'm ready for a fucking cocktail oh shit you're going deep tonight yeah that wore off can I grab one of those it took two hours for it to wear off one fucking beer that's the amateur I am Lisa Ann where's that lighter at right here oh it's like a man no you know you're to break the fucking thing and then oh shit

there you go look at oh shit salute fuck it we need a cocktail from time to time of losing yellow that's a true story Bro, the doctor told my mom to stop drinking 10 days later she died. Once you got booze in your system, keep going. Oh, yeah. I'm never going to stop smoking pot. I'll do it at night or maybe in the morning. But I always keep THC in the veins at one point in other, whether it's some CBD juice, something.

I grew up so different. Everyone in Ohio has a cocktail every night. You know, like my dad has a beer every night on his back patio or a margarita. But he does it every day, and he doesn't drink until he blacks out. But what is the between having to drink every day or two? being an alcoholic. I've always been astonished by that question because I just don't understand it. Here's how I look at it.

If you're eating a meal and you have a drink with it, I don't see a deal or something wrong, but I can never just wake up and crack open a beer. I would puke just from the idea of that. I have to have a reason, kind of. I've done it. I don't know. I like to taste a beer more now than when I was younger. but I grew up in the 70s

and in America in the 70s in every show no matter what show you watched even if when you went to somebody's home or a place of office they always even dynasty

okay dynasty was not in the 70s but whenever you went into what's his name's office he gave you a whiskey yeah used to have a little liquor in your bar right on wheels right at work you always have little wheel at work and like a table and people would get like a bottle of whiskey and put

in a different bottle so you didn't know what it was a big pretty glass crystal crystal and then you'd have like a bucket with ice cubes and as soon as you walked in the office tonight without asking you there was no asking in the 70s I just turned around put ice cubes in put two fingers of a thing and gave it to you you wouldn't have the heart to say to me is this gin or is this whiskey or rye I don't really drink it you drank it yeah in the 70s when somebody offered you something, you drank it. So I grew up watching that. I couldn't wait to be able to go to somebody's house

and for them to give me a drink. You know, but I got drunk as early when I was a kid, so I hated alcohol. So I had to work myself slowly back into the farm system. I started drinking from Boone's Farm. Delicious, strawberry fields. Oh, strawberry fields. A little mixy.

The apple. Do they still have the apple? Apple, yeah, the apple was a green apple. cider and shit I was a kid there was a thing called malt duck middory

oh no no that sucks ass mid middory melon or whatever no I never drink those fucking things I like malt duck that's how much

of half a girl I was malt duck was half beer half apple cider oh that sounds good and they sell like in the Bronx and shit so when I go over

it a cop coke or weed I think I was bad I brown bag of malt duck people didn't know what the fuck I was drinking and I tried I really really try

to drink like till this day I have everything at the house I have champagne I got red wine I think I'm gonna try a little bit of red wine twice a week red what red wine is great I love it with a nice steak like something meaty and red wine perfect I I don't drink much at home but yeah I grew up the same way I like white Russians were my thing like I loved Kaluwa and creams and Kalu gives me too much of a headache I like white Russians but it's got to be light on the fucking Kalu but you splash little Coca-Cola on it, real Coke. Real Coke, not Coke from the gun.

Real Coke on a white Russian makes a Colorado Bulldog, a bullfrog, whatever the fuck it is. And I think they are delicious. I could drink 22 of those Colorado Bulldogs and I was snort and blow. Now, the other night, you were insulting me. You were saying, what? No. The other night, I went to the comedy store. I go to the comedy store the other night, and I don't know what it is, guys. I'm starting to get carsick.

The ear, the whole thing. So I leave the restaurant, I had to meet my agent, I leave the restaurant, I make a U-turn, I call Lee, and I get off the phone with Lee, and right away I can feel myself getting sick. I don't know what the fuck is this? I make the turn on Sweetser, I go up to the store, I pull in, I get out of the car, and I think I'm on a fucking barf right there. I walk into the store, and before I could go to the back, that one manager got me, and gave me a tremendous ear-beaten. I was going through changes like Lee is right now, right? He was giving me an ear beating that wouldn't stop. He didn't know I was about to puke on his fucking shoes.

I went outside, sat down, drank the whole water on one shot, and started looking up in the ceiling. I had to close my eyes. That's right. I walked in on this, and I was just thinking I were a big romantic or something. Yeah, you're like, what's going on? You're not drinking for a lot. I'm not fucking drinking.

Because we used to go somewhere. Me and Red Band used to go to Houston. Well, one bar we went to, they made something really. stop, I think. They made something really yummy. Like vodka with orange juice and ice cream, and they put in a blender. Yeah, it was like an orange cream sick. Orange cream sickle. Yeah, that was so good.

Yeah, you drink 10 of those. You're 15 pounds overweight the next day. Yeah. You wake up, the fucking scale blows up. Yeah, but there's something, I love those kind of drinks. You know what's really good? Vanilla, vodka, and root beer, and it makes it like a cream soda. Do you like cream soda?

I love peep soda. I can't stand cream. Really? I hate cream soda like you hate ranch. I love root beer. Why not just have root beer? Root beer is so much better than Chris. Cream soda is delicious.

Let me give some shoutouts. Jonathan Powell, I love you. John O'Field, Graham K, 80 Mullets, Jim Nunya, the Australian warrior, Tasha Howell looking good, and my main man, Lorenzo Toledo, Jr. You know what I'm saying? Over there in fucking Miami,

holding it down with some freaks and shit. So, no, I've always wanted to drink And lately I've been like, well, I think it's time for me to start I've cut this shit out You know, I cut the edibles out That'll help the fucking liver a little bit I tell you one thing though Like I stopped drinking beer

I grew up drinking only beer Well beer will kill you Some beer this You can't drink beer I get too bloated Like I feel like I'm burpee all day You can't drink beer every day I never

I was never one of those guys That would just pull a beer Out of a freezer and that's always bothered me. Today when I woke up, I go, you know what, Red Man's coming on the show tonight. I'm going to drink a beer or two tonight. But I had to prepare myself mentally

to drink a fucking beer. I don't think I've ever had a beer with you. I've only had those drinks, those little, like, food drinks. And I like beer. Like I said, I don't mind something to eat, but I'm so petrified of DUIs. Yeah.

See, guys, I don't believe in DUIs. I do not believe in them. I do not believe in drinking a DUI's. driving. I fucking hate it since I was a kid. And I can't, I could keep a listen. I could put a fucking dead body in my suitcase and go through TSA and not even blink a fucking eye. But when I have one beer and I see a cop in the area, I lose it completely. I'll be in here until 11 o'clock tonight with me talking to him because I will not get in the car when I got alcohol. I'm going to as well Uber tonight. I'm going to even call the Armenian to pick a

I tell you, if you Uber a lot, I have a deal for you. If you open up Uber and you click on the settings, there's a thing called flat fares. My friend PDC turned me onto this. You spend $20 and you get 40 rides in one month and each ride is $3.99 a ride. So now I just Uber everywhere. Like I'll just be like, hey, I want to go to Target. I'll just Uber there because it's $3 instead of having to drive or deal with parking. How far is them?

So if you want to go to LAX, it's $3.99? Yep. No, it's not. I promise you. But you have to pay $20 bucks up front. 20 bucks for 40 rides in a month. You don't think that you're going to use that. But look, Comedy Store every night used to cost me $15 there and $15 back.

But I'm like, you know what? It's better doing that than paying $20. So from Burbank to the Comedy Store, cost you $399. $3.99. Yep. It's great. And now the problem is, is that once they, they release these specials, they have only a certain amount of them,

and then they sell out for some reason. So what you have to do is you have to, like, we all just have to, we text each other whenever we get the email. Don't be texting me, all right? Or calling, like, text on. Go right now that Uber. You have to, like, jump in. So you didn't jump on this deal, fucko over there?

What do you mean? Have you heard of it? Do you see it or no? I haven't heard of this. No, but I get yelled at every time I do any of that stuff. So. What, no, who got? Bro, I encourage Lyft.

Yeah, Lyft. And Uber. I encourage whatever. As long as you're not drinking a fucking around. We have Lyft as a sponsor. I know why. I know Lyft. So this is what it's saying right now is so far.

I just bought this two days ago. I have 32, three days ago. I have 32 rides left. I've already saved $60 of what it normally would have been. Pete, my friend, he lives like, I don't know, 30 minutes away. When he goes one way to the comedy store, it's usually like $70. He's getting here for $3.99 also. And he's saving.

Like, he said last month, he saved over $1,000. And that's, that's $1,200 a year. Because if I get a ride to the airport for $3.99 on fucking Monday morning at 5 in the morning, I would sign up with that goddamn deal. But let me tell you. What's the problem? There's got to be a by the way. Here's what I think.

There's got to be a by the way. I am more of a Lyft user than an Uber user because I think Lyft is more normal people like us. That's what we talk about. Yeah. And I love Lyft. I am 100% a Lyft user. Uber drivers are usually just taxi drivers, like for the most part, and at least in Los Angeles, like you can tell, like,

you used to be a driver somewhere else. He goes, yeah, you're a taxi driver or yeah, a limo company. Like, those are drivers that are also doing Uber for the most part, where Lyft is just more like normal people. I kind of feel safer in Lyft. I do too. A lot of people do. A lot of people do.

That's why when they call and I go, you know what? Lee likes left. Lee said one night he took acid and he called Uber and some dudes shut up and literally he had killed 50 people. I would have loved an Armenian taxi driver. Oh my God, that was the worst one I haven't done Uber since because it's the worst one. Yeah, it's creepy in L.A. at least. Now, do you guys use food delivery services? Because I use it once a day at least.

I use grubhub more than I use like Pope. I don't like postmates and all that stuff Uber Eats is the best one I don't like paying for delivery Exactly Uber Eats is the best one And you know the best thing about Uber Eats You get a tracking

So like you're like where's my fucking taco at You see on the map where the driver is So you can see him driving to you To the point of him coming to your house And then you know when exactly to walk outside Listen I don't want nobody driving my fucking food And I want nobody breathing on my fucking food Is that okay?

Oh yeah they put in there and grab some fries when they're hungry yeah I don't want no touch on my food dog I don't like none of that grub and none of that shit you're all young men you could get if I wake up in the middle night go get two tacos on more park soaking you there's no reason to get grub and all that shit

you're young men dog I like this fucking guy wouldn't leave the goddamn house if his life dependent on him and he gets all that shit I would love to be living at the house yeah he gets all that HMO food sent to his house can't this guy gets that HMO food that fucking

What HMO food? That sushi you got sick on and all that shit. I would never get delivery sushi. How dare you? I know. What do you get delivered? I get like pizza. What do you get pizza delivered from?

Well, I like that place on the, I like that place on the corner. If I had, like, if I had to pick, like, one of the fast food ones, it'd probably be Pizza Hut or Domino's. Papa Johns. Really? I just got last night delivered Taste Chicago. I don't know if you've heard of it. It's owned by the... Joe Montana.

Yeah, something like that. It's fucking god-off. It's horrible. God-awful. God, that should be Lee's favorite restaurant. So let me do my review of what I did last night. They have a Chicago deep dish pizza. Now, I grew up with Chicago.

You love that stuff. I love that shit. I decided to pay, it was $29 for a large. Yes. So I'm like, it's worth it. I'm just going to act like this is like dinner, like lasagna or something. I get it delivered. It was so fucking horrible.

It was like, I remember as a kid my mom would take it. take flour and water, make like bread that was really like, it tastes like biscuit or something. Have you ever been in there? No, I don't want to go. I would never go there. Listen. That was the worst food. I moved to this part of the fucking, I lived in Hollywood for God knows how long.

And I moved up here. When I moved up here, my wife and I were doing a little better than we were in Hollywood. She had gotten a raise. I was starting to make a little money. We had no mercy. So we would go out to dinner three nights a week. You know, what do I say dinner? $200?

No. We would go to those medium range joints, you know, just to see. We went to NoHo. We went to that firehouse pizza on the corner of Magnolia. That blows. All this stuff blows. Yeah, you didn't like my little Tony's. Oh, that's God awful.

Damn it. So we went to taste to Chicago. Dog, I don't know how many conversations I've had with Lee about Chicago hot beef and how good I like it and how they put the peppers and the onions. You know, when I even hear, when I get an offer from Chicago, like, I already have my menu plan now. Like, I know I'm going to go here. I took Lee last time, and one of Joe, Eddie Bravo's the fucking best guy in the world picked us up and took us to the best hot beef place, man. I love, listen, there's something about a hot beef sandwich.

So I see Chicago, it's Joe Montagna. I can't go fucking wrong. Right. I can't go wrong. I go in there, I think we drop $60, dog. two hot beef sandwiches and something else and it was like okay you know again this is what it is

this ain't fucking Chicago you know what I'm saying so they fly the beef they fly the bread dog me and my wife took like two bites of everything and got up and walked out yeah we got up and walked out I heard there's a great place in Hollywood called

baked wings baked wings chicken wings are baked yeah I heard about that yeah I went to that I did the show you did hot ones with Sean Evans I couldn't find your fucking thing Oh I yeah So I did a special edition of

That where we went to this place downtown And it has Hot Nashville chicken Yeah how is that Was it is the normal spiciness good That looked good as I tell you what man It was uh it was some of the best tasting chicken ever And even though we we ate

It's called Howlin Rays And there's like a three hour wait all day Before they open, there's people lined up down the door. And it's delicious. We got the hot, extra hot, and then a item where they don't have on the menu. And it was so fucking hot that Sean says, hey, everything we just had there is hotter than what we ate, eat on the show. Hot ones. But if you want to look at it, it's just, if you type in Sean Evans Red Band, it's on there.

but did you shit for fire and did you have I was taking my for like 24 hours I was on the on the toilet just shit and fire I had to take off my shirt you know how sometimes for some reason your body goes take off all your clothes now when you're on the toilet why is that that's it's so weird that happens do you have that I have that sometimes when uh when I when I would get too high when he gets grubhub how dare you and the fucking delivery guy spits in his hummus But yeah, I thought it was dying. Like, that was awful. Sean said that he went back and he was the same thing.

I did not really like the Nashville chicken. I just went to Nashville. I loved the city of Nashville. I got a place that's a great pizza joint. And I think I went to the wrong place. I did not like it. I don't like black and shit. I don't like peppery like that.

Yeah. I like spice for flavor. I don't care if you make your food hot. That's phenomenal. But it better be flavorful. If you're just making it hot to be cool. Yeah. I don't see the beauty of it.

Yeah, that's like Spencer's gifts. You're almost buying it for the, like, ha-ha. Like, let's try to eat a bite. Ha-ha. You know, I wish we got to eat like a mild one because that's what I wanted. I just wanted to taste chicken. I like the taste chicken with spicy, like Popeye's chicken. I'll eat a fucking pop.

But I told you, Doug, when I went, when I go to Tennessee, I go to Lee's motherfucking chicken. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That old-school fried chicken. That's all I want. Yeah. I want old-school fried chicken. You know, it makes good fried chicken.

Puerto Ricans. Puerto Ricans could fucking make a fried chicken and make your head fucking blow up. In the Bronx, you could smell it as you're driving down the street. Like somebody's making good fucking chicken, man. I tell you what I do. My broke-ass meal of the day is

go to the grocery store and get drumsticks. And you usually can get like 12 drumsticks, 24 drumsticks for like $3. Where? The pavilions by my house. Oh, you cook them yourself. Yeah. And my wife does that.

Yeah. And we just soak them in like hot sauce and put them on the grum sticks. And put them on the grill, you're good. And it's like three bucks. Yeah, no, no, no. Chicken's fucking dirty. I mean, you know, they've been beat up and kicked.

Oh, yeah. I look for, yeah. I look for caged ones. Yeah, you look for fucking animals that have been tortured. You know, you're going to bite the fucking breast and it's missing a piece. Because somebody burned it like fucking Lee's tongue. It's got a little blazer on it, like Lee's tongue and shit. No.

But, man, when you get good chicken and marinate it, you know, anything that you could marinate, like, When I was like, I can't eat all those gamey stuff. Yeah. I can't eat gamey stuff. Like lamb and all that. I don't like that. I don't like fish either for that reason.

I'll bring it to a place. Well, it's not a place. It's my friend's parents. This motherfucker would give you a piece of meat. And you go, that's the best meat I've eaten. That's lamb. And you're like, lamb, how come I didn't taste it? Because they would marinate it for three or four days and cut it into chunks and put it on

barbecue on kebabs. Oh shit. Marination is important. I tell my wife, my wife's one of those that when I married it, it's a piece of chicken with pepper and salt on it. That's not cooking. That's not cooking. You got to figure this out. I know we would sit together and look at recipes. I do vinegar and lemon a lot. Yeah, no, no. Today I made a fucking halibut with a, we took a little terriacca. I was in jihitsu and on the way back. She goes, what do you want to do with that halibaba? I go, you don't want something different today. I go get aluminum for, put some lemon juice in there, some fucking terriaki and close it up with a piece of butter you should have tasted that

fucking alibate when i got home there's a lot you know i like cooking i don't like messy cooking like i'm not good i don't i don't like cutting things because if i cut myself i'll faint i know that's did you guys do you guys talk about that a lot about how joey dyes if he sees the sight of blood he faints i have a faint in front of you huh you got close i think i think when i pulled that girl's tampon out and try to eat it in front of you know you don't know no no no no no No, I can't. Let me see if I have any blood armames. No, I'm all right with that shit.

Like before when you were fucking around with that lighter and you opened up the bottle, I go, if that thing broke, I'd have to run out of you. I couldn't even finish the fucking podcast. Yeah. You know, I'm getting hypnotized now. You are? Yeah, I'm on my fourth session Tuesday.

Oh, God. And I'm getting hypnotized to control my fear of breathing in Jiu-Jitsu, but I'm also trying to control my fear of needles. Do you think it works? think it's working? I breathed heavy today and I didn't have any fear so little by little I listened to the tapes at home she made me come home and listen to a couple hypnotic tapes of saying breathe breathe breathe breathe so I do that I breathe you know it's important to me to go to jitzo it really is at this age man you know I was talking to a friend of

mine he said that he works in a guy that has one of those wheels Lee he's 80 years old you know those wheels that you hold scooters like mom No, no, no. The shit to do exercise with. You never see those wheels that you go like this and you do like ab rollers? Oh, yeah, yeah. He says he does 10 sets of 30 ab rolls a day. He's fucking 78 years old or something like that.

And we were discussing about in today's America how you could decide how you're going to get old. Like it wasn't like our grandparents. Like our grandparents got old. They got fucked up and died. In today's America, the most important thing is that 60-year-olds are active, and they're doing crazy shit. You know, I'm 54. In six years, I'm going to be 60 fucking years old. Next year, I can get 15% off at Denny's like a motherfucker, okay?

It's cool, but it's not cool. It means I've got to take care of myself, dog. The fuck, it's cool. The fuck is wrong with you. It's cool, but it's not cool, you know? So it means I choose, in America. America today, you choose, you decide how you're going to age. You decide whether or not you're going to do movement or you're going to do sit-ups or push-ups every fucking day or eat better or you're just going to fucking fade away.

I double-slee. You double-slee. I know when I called you the other day. I mean, even your dad has started living a little better, hasn't he, not? Oh, yeah, he's been living a lot. I see him with pictures with young people lately. He likes to take him pictures. He's changed.

He's hit a corner. He's still probably getting a little evil hitting the pill here from there I mean I hope not but he he's always really loved I don't know even know how to describe them They're not like self-im make I guess maybe self-improvement seminars And he's done he's done them for as long as I've been alive And he did a whole bunch he's made a A bunch of new friends and that's all he's ever wanted down there

I see that he's taking pictures You know you could decide how you want to go out these days bro. And I'm thinking about it. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to keep going to jihitzo. I don't give a fuck if I get beat up or I can't breathe. Because even like a day like today, I didn't do much today. I rolled maybe

one fucking time. Everything else was drilling and there's this kid Marco, that's 2.55. And he's going into a competition and he's going to be wrestling kids that are 30 pounds heavy of him. So I just been getting on top of him and resting and fucking around.

It's just so he gets used to. I told him, I go, you can push me around. at 2.97, a guy that's 260 gets on top of you. You're going to throw him around. You know exactly how to position yourself and shit. So that basically went to Jitza just to help him out. We went over some fucking throws he's going to do. I made him get a B plan. Like if you go for this type of...

How much does he weigh? Marco probably weighs $2.45. Oh, so he's still a pretty big guy. He's a big guy. I was thinking he was like this small guy and you're just laying flat on him. He's not going to fight on. He's going to fight guys. that they're up to like 275 he said the 285 and he goes they're gonna be fucking big joey so as soon as i got

there he called me went to the back to the octagon and i just did simple things to him but that fucking made me sweat like a motherfucker then the class started and we did calisthenics and then me and him drilled together today like we drilled the whole time but the class went over so we only got to break guards and stuff like that and when the classes that's more on sundays the i was like one of the higher belts like i was like the second and highest belt in the fucking place today. So that means I had to get on my back. So I just let people pass my guard and I broke a sweat.

And then I wrestled with him for 10 minutes and I fucking went home. Today's a light day. Tomorrow's my heavy day. Tuesday will be a heavy day. And then if I can make it Tuesday, I'm going to try to go to Jiu-Jitsu Monday and Wednesday this week. That's great that you're doing that. I have to do something. You make me feel lazy about myself.

Listen, man, I always thought that when you were young, you had a workout. I realized recently that as you get old, you got to take care yourself, even a little better. Even a little better. I'm really heavy on sleep. You know, I'm really heavy on sleep now. Like, I used to be that I'd get home tonight and I'd fuck around and watch 22 of these videos.

And, dog, I used to pull Rogans. You were going to the road with Rogan and he'd be half asleep watching fight videos. And you're like, Joe, go to bed. And he'd be fucking, like, refused to go to bed. I used to be like that my whole life. guys yeah I'm one of those guys that that'll kill you oh yeah but I also make up for it you know do you sleep yeah I sleep like a crazy motherfucker oh no no I wake up and work and then go back to sleep and then

wake up and work and like be it's it's ridiculous like my uh it's pretty much uh I wake up naps get really stoned and then pass the fuck out yeah like tonight I go home early and I'll fucking get up at five tomorrow on a Monday I love getting up at fucking five morning oh you do a little work she doesn't have to go to school. We'll sleep until 8.30. We'll get up. We'll have breakfast together. Tomorrow they go to the zoo. It's going to be 100 fucking degrees. So tomorrow they go to the zoo.

I go to two or three classes of Jiu-Jitsu. I come back. I've got to go to the ear doctor tomorrow at 3.15. I love going to the zoo. That's so great. Really? I love it. The L.A. Zoo? Let me do this shit. I can look at some animals all day. You traveling soon? Do you're doing a lot of fucking shows, brother. Yeah, we got this guy that'll show Laugh Factory now, now,

twice a month. And like this week, we got Tom Green and Christalia. But the cool thing is Kill Tony. We're going to Moon Tower Festival in Austin next month. April 21st. We're doing Kill Tony Live at Moon Tower. And then two days later, we're going to Houston. There's

this new comedy club. I don't know if you've been to it yet. It's my favorite place. It's a bunch of comics that bought it together. And they've really filled in the void that, you know, the comedy since the Houston Laft Stop closed. This place is beautiful. It's huge. It's the festival.

Yeah, it's called the Secret Group. Yeah. So we're going to be there on the 23rd. We're doing Kill Tony and then I'm going to do a secret show after with Louis J. Gomez. He's going to be with me and Jeremiah Watkins. And we're going to have a secret guest. You know, it's going to be great. So it's really working it, brother.

Yeah. And I'm fucking proud of you. Me, I got to go to Baltimore to Magoobie's joke house. Yikes. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, two shows. Tickets are selling. Don't fuck around. Don't tell me, Joey.

I didn't get him. And then the last week of March, oh shit, I'm going to Nyack to see my main man, Andrew Nordau, over at Nyack at Leveley Live. That's how we're doing it, bitches. Number one, a couple weeks ago, I got some jeans, Lee got some jeans. What the fuck do you think about it, Lee? I mean, what do you think of the best pair of jeans? The best pair of jeans I've ever owned. I've never owned a nicer, like this is the nicest pair of jeans.

I'm scared to wear them on stage, like on the road. Like, I wore them last Friday at dinner with my wife, and I ironed them. Like, this is the first time, like, I'm really taking care of jeans. I don't know how to do any of that. The material feels different. You know, I have my wranglers that I wear fucking out. And see, this is a great, because I'm scared that, like, this is a partially raw denim. I have the numbers right here.

I just pulled it up. It's something like 87% cotton, something like that. No, no, these jeans are tremendous. So they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, comfortable and they look great. I, if I had, I should have worn them tonight, but they're, they're the best pair of jeans I own. Listen, it's hard to find the perfect pair of jeans.

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Go to dstl.com. Spell DSTLD.com and see where the minimalist design meets the maximum comfort. To guarantee they fit, they'll ship them to you for free and give you a free. returns until you find the perfect pair. Okay? DSTLD has been featured in Forbes time, TechCrunch, as well as on denim-clad celebrities in GQ and Vogue. You can find their amazing selection of outerwear, leather jackets, t-shirts, more using the same principles of high-grade materials at low and cost.

Like I said, DSTLD is your answer to elevated style without the elevated. price. This is what I'm going to do for you. Go to the website. Look around. Go to dstld.com and you find something you like. Go pressing Joey right now and I'm going to give you 10% off your first pair. That's tstld.com slash joey for 10% off right now. Five letters. DSTLD.com slash joey. Go look at those pants. Tell me it's something. the best bad jeans you've seen in a long time. Since I got you on clothes, Easter's coming. Mother's Day's coming.

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100% if Alpha Brain don't make you clearer, sharper, and make your mind work. Anyway, I want to thank Audit. I want to thank D-S-T-L-D-Soo. jeans and I want to thank Indochino suits. I want to thank my man Brian Redband and I'll see you motherfuckers Baltimore. Thursday night Magoobis. We'll be back Wednesday. Stay black. Googly googly. You down with OPP.