The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #464 - Chris Porter

Episode Date: March 14, 2017

Chris Porter, a touring comedian since the age of 23, seen on "Last Comic Standing" and Comedy Central, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off your custom mattress.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/13/2017.
    

The church of what's happening now is presented by on it. This show is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates. Lucky for you and thankfully to ZipRecruiter.com, there's a better way. Our listeners can post their job to over 200 plus job sites, including social media, and they can try it for free when they go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. It's ziprecruiter.com slash church.

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That's helixleep.com slash Joey. Kick that mulee. Kick it. We ain't got time to ditty-dattle. Oh, shit. shit, coming at you. Oh shit.

Here you go. Churchill, what's happened now. Chris Porter, Lee Syatt. Here you go, cock suckers. You're feeling a little depressed, you're down, you're fucking, you stepped on your cat, it's over.

It's a new day, cock suckers. If you're not ready to turn this fucking up as a human being, this part right, here. Don't even fucking talk to me no more right here we go. Here we go. This shit is still amazing. Let's go rob a liquor store. No, this is it.

This is it. This is, if you're autistic right now, you just jump out of window. You hear this shit. Kick it, Lee. Here you go. Churchill, what's happened now? It's like listening to, for me, it's like listening to three different bands in one. Like, I can hear a little aerosmith in there.

Yep. You definitely could hear their distinctive sound, but there's some other piece in that. There's that Zeppelin, that, well, anytime I hear heavy metal, you got to go straight to you. Yeah, you know, just that guitar and that, that anger is just, that's all Zeppelin. It sounds like a, like, Slash had like a certain bravado like his guitar. Oh, yeah, he did. His tone is amazing. Yeah, his tone is amazing. It's weird that that's what they say. As soon as you hear the first three chords, you should know who exactly it is if you're into that type of stuff. Like Gilmore from Pink Floyd. Yeah.

Clapton. Clapton has a distinctive tone. Hendrik Van Halen. Obviously. Hendricks. That's why these guys are where the fuck they are because they're a lot similar, but they all have their distinctive. The same thing with comics. You know, I said this years ago that comedians were all funny.

Yep. We're all funny. It's the backstory and everything else that will round us out once you get to fucking know how we are. Like anything else in life. Being funny is, I mean, not to be egotism, but it's pretty easy. Like, everyone's funny. Like, Uber drivers are funny. You know, my lift driver the whole way here told me how funny everyone thinks he is, you know.

But it takes, you know, it's a different thing to do what we do. Well, we have to channel it in a certain way. And that's where the mistake is like, and we. We've been to a thousand open mics and over the years as a marketing strategy, a lot of clubs that said, you know, new talent office night. And the whole office comes to the fucking club, you know, 60 people to watch the funny guy by the cool to go on stage. And it's a complete different game. It's like trying to be, it's like watching the UFC and going, you know what? I'm going to go down to the 7-Eleven and pick a fight one of those homeless guys.

and I'm going to fucking hit him with an elbow and a fucking kick to the leg. And this guy went to Vietnam. Yeah, yeah. He'll kill you with popcorn. And he has nothing to live for. Nothing to live for. It's so people sometimes think it's that easy. That's the only thing that's bothered me about young comics over the years.

Never, like about 10 years ago, I had a guy who had all the answers. Yeah. He had done comedy twice and he got invited to a Montreal show. You thought this fucking guy was Jerry Lewis. Yeah, yeah. He was at the store like harassing comments. How long did it take you to be up here six years? I did it in fucking three nights.

Yeah. How long it took you to find your voice? Oh, my God. I already found it. Then I'll tell you how lunatic this guy got. This guy was fucking crazy. He scheduled his benefit and he told everybody all these celebrities are going to be there. It was just a lie to sell tickets.

I mean, he had been. This guy told me. He called Ben Affleck's mother. He got a hold of her number and called her in Boston to ask her if Ben could be there. He told him Christine Aggie. This is, you know, 12 years ago when Ben Affleck was really hot and he was young and shit with Jennifer Lopez. Him and Matt Damon were still hanging out. Yeah, they were still hanging out.

Then he bombed there. Yep. And then nobody would book him around town. So this fucking Mo Moe bought a restaurant in the valley and put a patio out there. on Wednesday nights. He only won a clean comedy. He thought everybody else was not really a comedian. He told me to my face.

Dirty comedians, people who talk about that type of topics are not really comics. Yeah. Okay. Ask me where the restaurant is today. Done. Fuck him and his clean fucking comedy on a fucking balcony, you fucking moron.

In his day and age. And he had the same clean comics up there every week. And I just watched him die. I never offered nothing. I never said nothing. I just sat in the sidelines. and watch him die a slow debt. I'd see him and he'd tell me how packed it was,

who was up there, the celebrities that would go to his restaurant. I'd ask people. And they go, dog, there's nobody there. It's always fucking empty on Wednesday. I don't get that. I don't get that shit either. How do you lie like that when it's easily provable? Like there were other people there, dude.

I don't get it. I'll tell you what. And Stanhope told me this one time. He goes, doesn't it burn you up? when you get through a club and it's empty and they're like last week we had a fucking give you know we had a light people on fire

to get them away from the door yeah you know but this week that rodeo's killing us and you're like what the fuck are you talking about I just can't sell no ticket just tell me the truth why are you blowing smoke up my fucking ass and shit you know I can't give away a fucking ticket although to be fair some of some cities man

it's like I've been to Des Moines twice when the state fair was there and you can't Kevin Hart could be there He's not selling a ticket Are you serious? Yeah, man You know, people have different priorities

In different areas And, you know, the state fair only comes around Once a year And the funny bones open Every week You know That's crazy Yeah

You can't pull them from the state fair They're over there eating poison You were going to always state fair You see the food they give me that Oh dude They A hamburger where the bun is a crispy cream donut?

It's fucking great. There's one place, you know, you ever watch those shows, and they show you, like, you know, like places to eat. Yeah. During, like, you know, in those small cities. I bet they have one or two great places that the thing, but the rest is corn dogs and fucking that shit. Yeah, but that's what you go to the, that's what you go to the state for.

Yeah, yeah, that's what you go. Get a funnel cake. Where else do you get a funnel cake? Oh, Jesus. I had one at this place about five years ago. They do a carnival down the corner of here. Before the baby, I took my wife on a date down there. Let's go to the carnival.

I walked in. Every gang affiliation was there. We ate a funnel cake, took three hook shots at the basket. We got the fuck out of it. It's like Magic Mountain except South. I would never, ever go on one of those fucking fucked up carnival rides or let my child go on one of those things. I went on one, and the Carney, I think that's the appropriate term. thought he'd be cool because there was no one in line that he'd just let the ride go for a while

and it was like one of those crazy octopus ones there's a reason that shit's only 60 seconds because after about two and a half minutes you're like get me the fuck off this thing I'm gonna throw up and he let it go for like a good five like to the point where people were on the ride going please make this stop it was yeah that shit's not safe and those guys again are don't have a whole lot to live for you know fucking carnival people they're drunk at noon

they're fucking crazy like when you can be at your ticket booth holding a schlitz I mean also you know it's kind of cool but also yeah it's probably not good for OSHA standards

I gotta tell you people I know you're going to misunderstood when I said that I'm not talking about Bonham and Bailey carnivals carnival I'm talking about the ones that come to your fucking neighbor but everybody looks like they're ex-felons. They're in parking lots?

Yeah. Yeah. Those things. You never had, you never, like, in your drug days even thought about going on, like, it seems like the perfect place where it's... Fuck, no. That's a complete different level of fucking filth. That's a complete different level.

I dated a girl that was a carnival thing. She gave me a rash for fucking four years. That shit never goes away, those rashes, those fucking carnival chicks get me. Those conny rashes. Like in Michigan. And you dated her for four years? I dated for the weekend. You know, Thursdays was Sunday.

We fell alone. She stuck around for four years. Yeah, we broke up on Sunday. Like, he's a relationships on the road out. You meet them on Thursday. You give them a fake fogezy ring on Saturday night. On Sunday, I'll call you when I get back. You gave him a fake, you gave him a ring?

I used to buy like 10 of them on sale. Oh, no shit. You're a much better gentleman than I ever was. Listen, dog, you got to close them. I'm not a good looking dude, but you bust out the rock when they're all rocked up with a couple of cocktails, that always closes. Really? Sure.

You give them a Cuban-Saconian? They don't fucking know. See, I was always freaked out. I was always the guy that was like, listen, you know I leave on Sunday and, you know, this is going to, like, and then I'd just be like, this is going to be over in two days. So if you're cool, that cool, but otherwise, I'm not, I just dated so many crazy chicks. On the road, you meet fire. The craziest one I haven't met was in Syracuse. this one actually called my manager at the time.

No way. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad. And it started as a job. Like, I just went to work for her, and I would go up there, and she'd go, what do you stay when you were in a hotel? You should stay downstairs. And that's what it started, and I don't have to even go into this story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time I go to the East Coast, I go over there, and she had a landscape company, and I'd work for her. How often did you propose to this woman? It's not that one. You don't have to propose. I just moved a couple rocks. she was in.

Yeah, yeah. She was cooking and stuff. I can't believe you were proposed. There was a time when I was fucking nuts, okay? Like 98, I went on the road. It was fucking, you know, I was doing Yoda runs.

And you're in Michigan the whole week. Yoda don't give you a dime for fucking a hotel. And then you would work like he would throw you in the shitty rooms at first. Yeah. I got attacked my pelicans at one of those fucking Michigan cities

with two hot dogs in my hand. You know, the place was a fucking, the guy owned both of them. It was by Bay City, the one club, Saginaw. Okay. And he had another one and another town. And I did them both. Yeah.

And he had theaters. And basically, you paid for your hotel room, and on Saturday you gave him the receipt, and he paid you to the penny. Really? Like if it was 67-32, he'd give you 67-32 for your time. He wore a wig. There was never more than 20 people in that room.

But he said he had a theater, and he goes, I got nothing else to do. I'm retired. I own the property. He goes, what do I care? Even if I lose money, it's a tax write off or something. He was like, I refuse to go back up. And then he had another dumpy theater. That was like what people used to whack off when he turned it into a comedy room.

Oh, okay. Like he had one of those places. But he didn't tell the regulars? No, he mopped the floor. Oh, okay. It still had that sticky little stinky sperm smell in the air. and they never opened the windows and shit. Oh, it was fucking disgusting.

Oh, yeah. It was where the fuck was Mount something, Mount something, Michigan. Dude, I did one Tribble, or no, I don't even think I did it. I think I was booked for it and I got booked for something respectable and I fucking pass it off to my friends and they ended up

having like the worst time of they've ever had. Well, to be, and it wasn't Tribble's fault. My buddy decided he needed to pee. They pulled over. Their car got stuck in the snow, they got their car unstuck, got back on the highway, realized dude never peed. So they just pulled over to get stuck, basically. For people at home, saying, what the fuck's the triple run or Yoda run, they're the entry-level runs you make when you get into comedy. And let me tell you something, they're very helpful.

I feel that if you don't do them, you're missing out of a big part of your career because this is the book. Yeah. That's your book. That is you. Everybody likes a book. This is your book. Your book isn't going to be when you marry the chick

from that show and you're successful. There's no story there. Yeah. You got a fucking nanny and people offer you water and you're funny. That's not the story.

The story is when you go on a triple run and you start it with $10. And you make it fucking work. You got three quarters of a tech of gas. You already went on that. And guys, you guys got Google and you could type but then it tells you how many miles.

We had to have the notebook. We had the Atlas. The Atlas with the fucking pencil. Yeah, to do the whole route. No, no, no, no, no, no. Please, you know how many times I got lost in this great country of us? Do you have any fucking idea

how many times I got lost? And guys, that's the story. All this other shit out here that you hear us talking about, this is bullshit. When you do those triple runs and you go out on two of them, you hate yourself.

But when you go back to your local club that Tuesday, people are like, what happened to you? I just went to hell for two weeks. And he'd send you the sheets. And on the sheets, he would say, watch your language. These rooms are Mormon.

Watch your language. These rooms are Mormon. Watch your language. These rooms are Mormon. One would say, this club is active. If something gets thrown at you, run away and go to your room. Like, it was fucking nuts. Like, that was the itinerary.

And it was like you wake up, you get in your car Monday. The first gig is always, what, 24 hours away? It was like the Blues Brothers, but comedy. Yeah, that's what it is. That's exactly what it is. Except not the end part where you get the cool concert with Cam Callaway. But it's so weird how all those weekends in retrospect, no matter how hard they were, they always worked out.

Even if you broke even, somebody would say, hey, what are you doing tomorrow, man? I got front row for the Dallas Cowboys against the Giants, and you're like, I'm going to a game with six bucks in my pocket, but I'm sitting in the front row. Like that's, and it makes you appreciate that whole journey. But also, we remember, now that we're so far away from, we only remember that those days, but there were, there were plenty of weekends where it didn't shit happen. You're like, what the fuck have I done with my life?

At that time, I got to be honest with you. In my head, I could have been locked up. So I was having the best time of my life with no money. Like I survived on Subway sandwiches, veggie, and cheese. Yeah, yeah. From Tuesday on the, because you're out there. What are you going to do? Come all the way fucking home.

When you go out on those things, if you don't go out for three weeks, it's not worth your wait and go. Yeah, yeah. So you got to go out and disappear for three weeks. So on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, you're basically camping when you're a feature act. You're camping. You're at a, you know, you save one night. Like, you go, you know what?

I'll save $4,250 for a motel six to last night. Like a shower and watch TV and driving to the club like a normal human being. But for two nights you'll sleep at rest stops and take showers at hotels and jump in the pool like a fucking savage. Not wash your balls and brush your teeth in the pool. I mean, but at the end of the day, it all worked out. I guess you're right. Yeah, and I was at an age, I think, at that point. I guess I'm looking at it now at my age.

But at that point, I started comedy when I was 19. Yeah. So I was 21, 22. So, yeah, I guess I was just happy to be out and about. I really do look at some of those gigs that I did as a youngster, and I'm just like... How happy were you when you got three drink tickets? Tell them the truth. Oh, dude.

You were broke. Flat broke. Right now, you walk into a bar and they go, you're the feature. Here's three drink tickets. Your heart would stop, Lee. You got three free drinks, plus you're going to get another two for free from the bartender if you do well. Yeah, yeah. Or you just take care of them.

Yeah, give them ten bucks. Yeah, and everything works itself out. the best was when it was like foods on us. Because then you're like, well, I got at least one or two meals taking care of. Because that's your big expense. That's your big expense. Yeah, just trying to eat. So every free meal is another $20 for you to buy weed.

And there was no free breakfasts in those days at the hotel. Yeah, the Hindus started that. They give you the free egg and shit with the toast. Remember the first time you went down, Hindus were always cooking breakfast. Like, what the fuck is this? And they were the nicest people in the world. They always had hard-balled eggs. I remember eating them.

Because at some hotels, they just have hard-balled eggs. And white bread. I would take white bread, toast it, put butter all over, and just crack hard-balled eggs on it, and just eat like four of those fucking things. Because I knew those next eight hours on the road were going to be brutal. Like, the little things like that,

like you prepared yourself for brutality. Yeah. Would you ever go back to these gigs again, or were all these things, like one times. I'd like to do it like I would do it with Joey like so we could like

have someone to remember it with but I would still like I would stay in a much nicer hotel than I stay in. Oh my God. I wouldn't stay in the hotels but I do the shit gigs again. Oh I don't even mean like

would you do them now? I meant like would you do them like a couple years in a row would you go on tour and be like oh I was here last year at the same hotel. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah. I did those triple. Runs from 95 to 99. The last time I, no, I'm lying to you guys, 2000. I moved down here and never did him again, and then he called my manager and he goes, I got a co-headlining. Co-headline, triple, that's not bad.

It was like 150 a show, because he paid 50 or 125 or 175. I did that with the goofiest fucking comic ever, like one of those anti-L.A., you guys were all, fucking homos that live in LA. You have to suck dick to be successful. They're going to call me. I'm going to make it on the road. Those fucking losers.

Yeah. The guy that's working at Radio Shack right now. Yeah. Yeah. He was terrible. And then... The guy that was basically in it just to sell the T-shirt after the shirt. Right. The T-shirt and that was his whole living was Tribble Runs. Yeah. That's all he

did. He would say that those clubs are commercialized. They just didn't want to hire him. So in his head, he made up something to rationalize why they didn't hire them. Yeah, yeah. They're all anti-commercial clubs connected to Comedy Central and he would, and I would look at him back then and go, you fucking just retarded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just four days in the car with him. He didn't smoke reefer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a Christian, he had to get in the car Sunday, Saturday night and drive all night. We drove all night and he dropped me off at some Spokane airport or something. And I fucking got delayed in LAX. I still remember, like my plane was supposed to land at two in the afternoon.

I didn't come in to 11. The only good thing was Dean Kane was at the airport. I was like, look a fucking Superman. I'm doing the right thing. I was in the same plane with fucking Superman. You started when you were 19. Yeah, this was my first over mic. What made you get on stage?

I was trying to meet chicks. Flat out. You went to high school, no college. No, I went to college for a year. And then, oh, I hated it. And my buddy, who was one of those dudes that he'd like watch a movie and wanted to he'd be that movie like he saw swingers dude and like a week later was like wearing suits and swing dancing all of a sudden and writing scripts right in

script yeah calling me baby all of a sudden and uh so he saw i don't know what was a punchline or the king of comedy or whatever but one of those older i was a punch punch line pushed me over the top so that dude called you know this was 98 so still yellow pages time. So he opened up the phone book to comedy clubs in Kansas City and there was one and he called him and goes, how do I become a stand-up comic?

And the girl kind of laughed and he was like, she was like, we got an open mic on Mondays, come down and sign up. And he called me and he told me all about it. And I, you know, it was kind of intriguing. And then a month later, or like a week

later I went and saw him do it. And I was like, I'm funny. like half these dudes, at least. And then about a month later, got the balls to do it. And then I don't think I missed an open mic for a year. And then the only reason I missed one was because I had started a new job and I had to train.

But yeah, just got straight into it. And then... She'd been doing comedy 19 years, basically. Yeah. And by the time I was 24, I was, it was my job. And you were based out of Kansas City at the time. the time. Based out of Kansas City. And what clubs are you working at the time out of Kansas City is a feature act? Um, you know, this is very early onset of the improvs and, you know, Tampa had just opened, um, doing a lot of those runs, doing, you know, the old, the old Omaha Funny Bone,

all those places. Just anywhere I could drink, Fort Wayne Snickers, you know, driving around with some hack headliner that told me he was funnier than me. me and then wasn't and then asked me to drive around Fort Wayne looking for crack. I remember the Green Bay Funny Bone. I did the Green Bay Funny Bone one time. That place, I was starting to do the row when that place was still open. Yeah, it was still open. Like, I got booked there and I got canceled as a feature.

They never reopened it. They couldn't compete with football, I guess. Something was not right the week I was there. Well, yeah, that's all those people. I mean, because you get- Something was not right when I was there. Like that was one of those clubs that was like South Beach. Yeah.

It's not going to work. Something's, it's like New Orleans. You ever go to a comedy club in New Orleans? This is never going to work. Miami, South Beach, all that shit. People walking around naked, they put three fucking clubs down there. I got booked ones to a place that was four people there. You're not going to compete with that shit.

Yeah. And I think that that was the problem in Green Bay. I loved the city. I fucking went up there. I went to the game. And that's what I did. You know, you go from that $500 week feature act. to 6.50.

Yeah. 6.50 at loosenst up a little week. Yeah. You take a couple nights off a blow. Now Sunday, you go to a baseball game. So I got into that for a while. That was fun. I would go to these cities and go to baseball games on Sunday

and then show up to the club. That's my favorite. 7 o'clock. I love doing that. That's a blast. On a way weekend and you know you're going to go, you know, and you wouldn't know. It wasn't like, when I was doing it,

it wasn't like, hold on. Before I take that week, let me see what the Packers are in time that week. You just get into town and ask the host, you go, hey, hey, are they in town this week? Oh, yeah, I think they are in town this week. You can still get tickets. You go down there with the cheeseheads, and you're like, what are you talking about? Yeah.

Like, that was what I still, like, Lee asked a really interesting question in retrospect. Lee, between me and you right now, I would give my arm to go on two weeks of triple runs to places that nobody goes to. We would sell out the rooms. We'll have a great, I don't care if it's a Monday night in those towns. There's nothing to do. And some of those triple towns, you'll drive for two hours, and they actually put fake deer up.

That's where you drive sometimes, where there's no civilization. Your phone is not going to work. You better have a tank of gas, and then you get to this little hotel, and you go to the back, and there's 350 people on a Saturday night, and they don't know who you are.

You could tell them whatever you want. I did a movie of Brad Pitt, and did a movie with dinner. They don't know nothing. They can care less. They can care less. They're just going on to drink, laugh, And then the band comes on after us?

Yeah. And if you have a good set, you're a fucking God. Oh, my God. You're a fucking God. Like, dads are like, here's my daughter, please fuck her. I don't care if it's in front of me. It really is crazy in those small towns. How much they appreciate comedy when you go there?

Dude, I walked in and, you know, I'm starting to do this now where, like, if I have a gig, like, in a big city, I'll try to book, like, a small town gig nearby. like Salaida, Colorado is like one of my most favorite places to go ever. It's just a small town. But after the show, me and the Feature Act walked into the restaurant across the street and people applauded when we walked in the fucking door. Like, where does that happen? Nowhere.

Except for those small towns. It's just like, and that's, you're right. That's what's great about going into these places. It's just like you just get, you're literally like, Caesar. I could write a book just from 1995 to 2000. That would end in 2000. Joey Diaz, the garage days? The road. Like, broke, eluding creditors. Like, I just, I got divorced. Things weren't working out. I wanted to major debt. And one day I said, you know what, I was showing up to, I was showing up to one-nighters and the manager would go, somebody just called here for you.

They left the number. I thought it was HP. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd call him back and I was like, Mr. Diaz, Discovered card. I'd go, oh, my God. So I disconnected everything I owned, and I just got in a car. I put a fucking pole in the back. I put clothes, a football, a frisbee. How the door's open.

I put everything anti-bortem. Yeah. And as the weeks pack, your car blows up, and you figure out how to fix it. The radiator would blow, and you buy that thing for a dollar. You put it into your radio to ping, ping, ping, pooh. Yeah, yeah. I get you to the next triple fucking run. I got arrested shoplifting a tent and Twin Falls, Idaho.

I got arrested for assault in Twin Falls, Idaho. Oh, yeah, on those triple runs, I was a fucking menace on those things. Separate incident or same incident or a separate incident? They didn't really catch me shoplifting. They caught me bringing the tent back and collecting $178. Right. Oh, okay. But they didn't catch me until after the fact.

They let me keep the money, the dumb fucks that they want. The assault charge was after a weekend. Trimble had two weeks in a row that he would have a Wednesday at one club and a Thursday at the other club, right across the street. Yeah, yeah. So the one week I'm in 24th on Wednesday, and I got to go back to the next week on Thursday. The two guys that got thrown out show up to the fucking mall, and I hit him with a fucking tray of Chinese food,

and I got arrested, and they let me out at 5 to 9 right before the show started. And I ended up fingering an Indian chick with the yeast infection that night. He's better than Uncle Joey, you know what I'm saying? That's not something you found out until after. That's, you know, getting in a call, you know, getting paid $250 and having $50 because you bought an A-Bow. That's on you, bitch. Yeah, yeah. That's on you, bitch.

You shouldn't have bought that because you buy the A-Born. You're like, well, it'll last me for four weekends. Hang on a lot of you want to four weekends. No, no, no. You're going to kill in that triple-holt tower and be paranoid and talk to fucking weird people. That's what I do. Now I'd have to live on 50 bucks. 20 of it was gas.

Yeah. So that's 30 bucks. That's 15 a day for food, shelter. I'd have a box of quarters in the back. You always had weed. Oh, absolutely. Well, see, yeah, that was always my thing. That was the thing.

You always had weed. I always had weed. That's the only thing that gets you through that shit. I would do it in a heartbeat, but I couldn't be away from my family for two weeks. Yeah, that'd be tough. That's the point I am of my life now. You know, she's getting to an age now that when I'm not. not around bro she starts asking yeah and you know naturally it breaks your fucking heart you're in

pittsburg you know but i am keeping the lights on you know so i have to rationalize it that way and say i'm keeping the lights on but i'm getting to a point where it's got to be tough pretty soon she's one day she's gonna raise her hand and go i'm going with you you know she's a free spirit i can see it already yeah and next to you know i got her and the mother on a fucking plane with me or her by herself she always talks about getting on a plane with me and mommy you stay Oh, yeah. I'm just going to go with Daddy. You know what I'm saying?

And see what he does. I don't want to take it to a fucking gig. No, no, no, no. I can't have her watch me do stand-up at this point because then she's, I don't want her to be a class clown. I don't ever want her to know I do stand-up to. Oh, she doesn't even know you stand-up. She's fucking four. Oh.

She's four. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She don't know dick. I tell her work, and that covers all the basis. Tell her your Superman. She can't come. Yeah, she tell him Spider-Man's cousin. She just looks to me daddy.

The suit won't fit or something if she makes some fucking. I'm a cousin. I'm the stats guy. I do a lot of tech off stuff. You know, you sit here and you go, how much work did I put? Like, I put a segment of my life into comedy. I was talking to Josh Wolfe today, and I said,

I got into comedy. Like, I was the type of guy that always ran and walked a lot. When I moved to L.A., I got into comedy, and I forgot about health, eating. You know, all I thought about was getting on stage. Yeah. And doing drugs and having a good time at the fucking club. But I was always writing and I always hung in the day.

I would go home, coked up and write 10 pages of material. The next day you wake up and it's all garbage, but at least you move the pet around a little bit. But we also came up at a time, me at the end of a time when you could do that. Like when we were still, it was okay to be a bit of a rock star a little bit. Now all these, especially all the people younger than us. No, there's nobody causing havoc on the room. No, no, no, no.

It's over. You asked for weed at a club. they're like what what no no they still wait for uncle Joey I got him trained these motherfuckers no I got him trained yeah but it used to be like they would walk in the green room and just be like who needs weed who needs blow you know it was rock star and now we're and now most of funny puns and improvs are at a mall you know you're three doors down from a GnC it's just it's a different thing there is nobody on the road to cause some problems there's nobody cancelling shows

No. There's nobody, you hear people fall in our stools, people canceling radio. No. They can't find them the next day. Those days, they won't tolerate that, I don't think. No, there's too much talent out there. There's too much talent. I don't think they could handle it now.

I don't think they can handle Mitch Hedberg now. Towards the end, Mitch was canceling gigs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And fucking, you know, it was just a nightmare towards the end, and it was accepted. He was Mitch Hedberg. You know, he would just mention his name and he would sell out four fucking shows in the Sunday night. Yeah, yeah. You know, and then they'd.

couldn't wake him up. I mean, you know, it was like it was very sad. I mean, it was just, and you heard it on Monday. You know, it was all over the wire on Monday. There was no internet in those days. It was the phone burning. Did you hear about Mitch? Did you hear

about fucking this guy? I remember when what's his name was on a tear for a while. George Lopez. Oh, yeah? When I first got into comedy, when I first moved down here, George Lopez was on a tear. Yeah. Like, I met him at a show once, and he was very,

nice to me and one day I'm going to DC Dulles I'm delayed and I walk into the air but I hear Joey Dio George Love hey how you doing you delay and I'm delay tequila time I'm like oh no and I went oh when in those days I can handle the tequila I was probably coming down from some Martian dust in the night before this motherfucker told the guy at the bar to leave the bottle there yeah and he put like a car down and we sat there I got on that plane I was I slept the whole way Stevie Wonder was on the plane. I didn't give a fuck.

I slept the whole fucking way. The Dulles, I was hammered. And then I went down to Miami, and they said, no, it's not what's his name? It's George Lopez, you're featuring for. So Tuesday, he fucking did great. In those days, he was killing. Killing. Right before Sandra Bullock discovered him, he was killing.

He killed Tuesday. He killed Wednesday. Thursday, I come out, and he snapped. dog. Like he destroyed the room. But by the time he went up on stage, he had already a few tequilas in him. And then he came on a fucking stage,

and he sat at that improv with us. I don't know. No, I don't think he was doing. He wasn't a drug addict. I had at all. I know I was doing powders. That's what was keeping me alive next to him. And the next morning, my phone was ringing off the hook in that fucking Miami condo.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, the one that was right across the street, the condo up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, that was the condo of death. Dude, I remember I scored weed from a guy, like, just standing out on the balcony. Yeah, yeah, that balcony there. And I was, I'd be sitting there, and the guy's like, this guy came out and he's like, what's up, man?

I was like, man, I got you. It was that easy. Like, I fucking loved that condo. You have no idea what I did in that fucking condo. And see, now I'm glad I know. That was the condo with a bed. You had to pull it from this one. Charlie bed.

It was a Charlie bed. I used to tie chicks up and leave the ropes. Just cut them loose in the morning and shit. I used to live dog. I went in there one time after Pablo. There was those paupas everywhere. It was fucking crazy. Yeah.

There was a couple condos that were known. That one, El Paso. I never did El Paso. As soon as you went to El Paso, there'd be a note. Go up on top of the cabinet in the condo. And it'd be like a fucking grandma blow wing. It was everywhere. You could buy Coke for five cents in Lepasso in those days.

They were just, but that condo in Coconut Grove was, they used to have a condo around the corner. When I first went to Coconut Grove, I went there, I was very respectful, I was very honored to be there. I was going to go up in front of Cuban. So in those days, the condo was two or three blocks away, and you didn't hear a fucking peeple. You were like, this sucks. So in those days, comedy was Tuesday through Sunday. So Tuesday night sucked. You know, the show ended at 9.30, and there were people there, but I didn't really have money to party, you know?

And even if I did, this town sucks. I walked back to the condo and I didn't hear nothing. By Thursday, I'm fucking starving. I smoke some weed. I'm starving. I walk down to that thing, and I got to be honest, there must have been 10,000 people on those streets. Cars couldn't get there. That's some coconut grove.

Was coconut grove? place yeah it was fucking hard it was like I've been in my house for two fucking days and thinking that this was dead this just comes alive at 11 yeah when I'd be walking back at 930 the streets would be dead dead you walk out an hour and a half late that hotel was well the basketball player state and uh if they we played the Miami heat yeah up the corner from the improv oh that's senesta that whatever that fucking places walking distance from the improv across the news cafe when the news cafe was there yeah that hotel was with the nix and anybody who stayed there that played the heat so it was always

hopping and they had an Italian restaurant under the coconut grove improv that it was a fucking fine eatery like ha ha ha ha ha big champagne glasses that was back when it was on the third floor on the third floor but on the at 11 o'clock chicks would be naked dancing on the table you come down and you look and they'd be a naked a woman topless because it would the Italian would go crazy. They'd start giving out powder in there. There would be a guy playing the piano. Did you work there? Or she just like at the restaurant? She was downstairs at the restaurant

at night. There was various nights when I was walking past the improv and I looked in there with $22 in my pocket and those slurpy drinks that they had. Right. The place right outside. It was the 140 different icies. I had liquor. So if you work the improv, they'd give

you two free drinks. I get the strongest one, the 140 fucking, uh... It was just basically Bacardi 151. Yeah, Baccarty 151 frozen with red... They'd set it on fire. Oh, you'd wake up in the morning, you'd puke and be red, you'd tell you kidney blew up. Horrible.

This little more... I've never prayed for death more than in Florida. That, that... By Sunday night, you would be green. Yeah. By Sunday night, from all the sugar and the blow and the not sleeping, your skin would be green. You got sick.

eating because they had a sorry they used to have the stuff flounder with lobster meat and shrimp do you remember that that was the specialty of the Miami improv oh yeah stuff flounder with the lobster meat and the shrimp yeah well I would eat two of those and in my mind I go the cocaine is gone I'm ready fucking smoke the iodine and the blow the fish killed the fucking coke I'm ready to go my favorite was the Hollywood Florida improv because they had bars down there that wouldn't even open till two in the morning so you do shows you do three shows on a Saturday get out there like 1 30 get to a club that just open I'd drink till five and then I'd walk into the hard rock and take

tourist money and poker for fucking three hours and then I go upstairs at 9 a.m. and order breakfast with other people's money because the first night I was there in Fort Lauderday I was like I'm paying poker with this guy and we went to the we went to the end and he had nothing Like, why did you stay in this long? You go, son, I'm in here to gamble, not play poker. From then on, I knew that these motherfuckers were just drunk. So I would just come in like fucking Doc Holiday and just take these motherfuckers. I ended up doubling my merch money at the poker table.

Just coming home getting wasted. It was awesome. One of the things I always loved about here was you're a professional. I mean, when you were out there, there was no fake in it. This is not the guy that goes on. stage with a beer bottle to let people know, no, you were fucking going. Yeah. You go. You know, that's what I

always loved about you. I told my first man with this fucking dude is the real deal. He's not one of these candy motherfuckers that walks around him, sips a drink on stage. Who's drinking tequila? Ooh. Fuck you. I drank tequila for breakfast, bitch. Yeah. Smell

my breath. I literally just woke up. Yeah. Like, he just woke up. Like, it's a different life. You know, and then we grow up and we go, What the fuck am I doing? These people are paying to come see me. You know, I'm not teaching anymore. Yeah.

I mean, we were talking earlier about how much a feature act is the second comic that goes on stage. There's zero responsibility. Your responsibility is to do two things. Make them laugh for 25 minutes and try to kill the headliner, which you never do. Unless you're local and you're hit him with local references, then the guy swims in debt for two nights until he figures out what the fuck you're doing. That's right. Then he starts coming up with local references. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You start talking about the local news. Yeah. judge who got arrested for fucking the black fucking midget and they they just blow up and this guy's sitting in the back going i forgot to read the paper what the fuck that i do i read the USA today i should have read the chat nooga times oh dude i don't know how many yeah there's so many times on Thursday you're just looking at the kid go wait till Saturday motherfucker yeah like you like go ahead i just landed you know what i'm saying like i'm still tired you fucking you do you it's a different life to be a feature act and it's

I think I did it from 95 to 2005 I mean that was a really good feature act like I know and from time to time people that you headline on Wednesday but I tell people at the time I didn't become a real headline until about six years ago yeah like I was just

up there I had an hour big fucking deal no no no it's guys like you that are wordsmiths you really put the time and that's completely different I was never a headline like that until the podcast and things started. And then I'm like,

fuck, I can't just go up there and play Johnny Acapello. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't cut it when people paying 20 bucks. You got to go out there with your heart and lay it on the fucking line so they could go home and go,

what the fuck did we just see? Yeah. This is crazy. You lay it down, too. I love that when I go on the road, there's some clubs. I'm like, who comes in here and fucks people up?

And they're like, oh, fucking Chris Porter. And I'm like, you guys didn't know. Like, Minneapolis was the real shock. There was one of the club I went to that. You were either coming or you had just left three weeks early. I don't know if it was Cleveland I don't know where the fuck it was

Well Bronson's house of comedy I had never played that before So yeah they're like they had no idea And also my my on stage I mean it's still me The the person I play on stage is much angrier And abrupt than I am So when I come in I'm like hey how's it going

It's super nice to meet you They're like well who's this fucking idiot And then I get on stage and I fucking bring the And I'm like, oh, okay, that's that guy. It's been a weird, when did you get on the last comic stand? Not the first season. That was four, season four. That was 10 years ago.

11 years ago. And that was Ralphie. No, that was two seasons after Ralphie. Wow. Yeah. So Ralphie was on the second season. He was on season two. And they had season three that had like Alonzo won it.

Okay. It was season one versus season two, I think. And then they canceled it. before they announced it and then I was in the season with fucking Gabriel and Josh Blue and Ty Barnett and Ross G and all those who won that year Josh Blue Josh Blue but Gabe got ejected for using his cell phone so right we kind of dodged a huge bullet that's right he was in the house for two weeks or something I thought he lasted like yeah we're on the boat and you know we all knew he was talking to his girl

none of us gave a fuck. You know, they had, they have a bunch of bullshit rules because they're like, oh, he could be talking to writers. I'm like, it's fucking fluffy,

dude. He's not talking to anybody. And, uh, but we knew his girlfriend had just said surgery or whatever. So we're all cool with it, but he got caught on camera texting her. And so they're like,

you got to go. How crazy is that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. And the, and the funny thing is,

they did interviews with all of us and literally nine of the 11 of us. Like, yeah, we're fine with it. Like, we know what he's doing. And we're happy that he's kind of got the balls to do it. And they played the two chicks that were like, well, rules are rules. So, yeah. Now, you have to go on a house then, no. Yeah, we did.

We had to, well, we didn't have a house. We were on the Queen Mary for 10 days. Yeah. Do you have to share a room? I'm sorry, it was so long ago. I don't remember if you had to. Well, I shared a room with Bill Dwyer, but he got eliminated it pretty quickly. So I had my own room for most of them.

Did you smoke weed on the boat? No, no, that was the first thing I did as soon as I was As soon as I was off the boat Was I went straight to my friend's house And I got 10 days on the ship with no refa Dude, it was a bummer Did they search you on the way in? Well, they just said, don't bring marijuana, it's maritime rules

Fuck you No, I had weed in the I had weed during the semifinals and whatnot Uh Trying to think I think I just, yeah, I think I just run out But we were on camera at all times There were cameras everywhere.

So there wasn't, we didn't, there wasn't anywhere we could go. I would have lost those motherfuckers. I would have flattened their ties. You know me. I'm a case one. I would have put sugar in their gas tank. They would have got hit right before they go on the 101. The car stalls.

I'm a fucking master of flattery with that. Well, we got sued. Like, we turned into big drunks on that boat for sure. Because as soon as we got done filming all the shit, it was just like, it was poker and drinks. But they shot you 24 hours a day. Yeah, we were on camera. Like, there were cameras on. in your room, right?

Yeah, they had cameras in our own. Oh, my God, you couldn't whack off. And as soon as the first person woke up, they had fluorescent lights that came on. And so as soon as the first person was up, everyone was up. And I mean, I'm sure they've, somewhere in an NBC vault, there's video of me screaming at a security camera going, are you fucking, I'm just losing my mind. Like, just turn off the lights so I can sleep. And they wouldn't do it.

I think that's like the worst part about reality TV. like that's I worked on the post out of reality TV when I first moved here and they they're like they are they're just constantly and they have people directing the cameras they've produced there all night so those zoom it's those zoom in on you what you're sleeping to get shots of that they want it's uh oh yeah I don't think I could be like whenever I saw the real world and there were like four people in a room sleeping together that would that would be out I would be out immediately you know I shot a presentation for animal planet like a month ago And I really realized how much, like, what I could do and what I can do.

Like, me and the guy are great friends now. But he goes, at the first couple days, it was really hard to crack your nut because, you know what, man? If this is a job, this is a job. I really don't want nobody in my house. Yeah. Okay, you want to tape me, you want to tape me, tape me from jumping in the lift and going to the airport. That's fine.

The guy would go to me. And then one day, he would always say to me, well, what cats will come out? Because we shot a thing about cats. I must have told this fucking guy 80 times that these cats ain't going to come out. And one fucking day, I'm walking. And he asked my wife, like, after he asked me any time,

he thought it was cute, you know what I'm saying? Like, those motherfuckers. And I had to pull him aside. And I go, listen, when I tell you something, I only tell you one fucking time. I don't give a fuck what executive you are, right? He just turned pale. And he apologized later.

realize that I'm at a point right now I don't want a camera in my fucking face anymore I enjoy doing this but for me to have people in my home and look at my bathroom and me and my bed listen I don't need it that much I don't want to it's rough I will have no idea it's fucking rough I woke up one morning during last comic standing with a three can't person camera crew staring at me like sound guy audio guy Mike guy just staring at me as I wake up. Like, oh, hey guys. Like, good morning.

I have a boner. Sorry. Like, it's not bad enough. We got to write material and everything. But then you got to push the em. Listen, I don't mind doing it. But five hours a day, let me get my head together. Let me write at Starbucks.

Let me go to a library. Let me jerk off. Let me smoke a bowl of weed. You can't be. How about from 8 to fucking 12 you're on me or whatever? You know, like, I don't mind that. But I can't have you follow me. That day is sunk.

That ship sunk. What about no TV, no internet, no phones? That's not going to happen. That's not worth it to me either. There's no reason why you should do that to me. That's just a personal thing you come up with to bust my boss. You know, you have a family. Really?

Yeah. Really? No, I don't think so, bro. You know, you can't make the exclusion for the family. Do you have a family? Yeah. How about you come in the fucking house with me? And not call your fucking family for a week.

Go fuck yourself. No, no, no. That's why I couldn't. That's why even with Animal Planet and the presentation, I was very excited about it, but then I thought about the process. And I'll do it with contingencies. My house is all fucking limits. I don't want nobody around my fucking house.

I don't want no camera creepy people waking me up. I'm upsetting my animals. It's not worth the aggravation, bro. You know? Yeah, I was 26 when, I mean, to be fair, like, you didn't know. For what last comics? You didn't know.

Yeah. What it did for you was brilliant. Yeah. And it wasn't my house. I was staying on a ship that was, had been docked for 12 years or like. So, like I knew I was in for,

but yeah, I mean, it's just, but in those moments, you're just like, what the fuck is that way. What the fuck? I'm like getting myself into.

No, you don't know. How many comes up to you and says, we're going to pay you fucking this. You're going to be on a national show. You're a young comic. You're like, okay,

except when you're taking the shit. And there's a camera in that fucking bathroom. You know, is that really necessary and you know what 10 days is 10 days yeah I think by 14 days people start to snap and there'll be arguments and oh dude we had talks

at lunch off camera just like people sneaking like did you how did you like it was like a bet who could jerk off and it was just like how'd you do it and you know one of them would just be like I just did it like in front of the cameras if they want to show it they if they want to watch I don't give a fuck

like I just did it and it was like I remember I snuck to a bathroom to do it because I was like there's no cameras in here and I fucking it's been a week like I need I got to drain this bitch but it was a great experience all though dude it changed my life dude there was I went from I literally make 10 times as much money that year than I did like the 10 years previous yeah yeah I made more in one week that year than I did the year previous like oh my god yeah that's crazy how fast it rose and I knew it when it was how I was like I made more this week than I made all last year.

And, you know, that ended a long time ago. But in that 9-11 months, that was fucking, that was good times. I remember Ralphie lost a debt fan. And I was supposed to open from the week after last comic ended. Yeah. And Spider-Man 2. Okay. And John Wesleyan went.

And I remember people calling me going, when he got to the last stop, there was streaming people waiting from outside in those days. It was that huge. The country had really embraced it. It was fucking huge. Yeah. I had never even show kid. I never even thought about standing online.

I'm like, I'm not going down there. Yeah. I'm not going to go down there. I was like embarrassed. I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do if I go down there. And I would watch the audition tapes and I would watch top comics go out of there losing their fucking mind. Yeah. Who was the one guy?

Here, now you could close that form, my love. There was one fucking guy. one year that went nuts I forget what his name is and he told the cameras to go fuck themselves in the audition that he sells out rooms everywhere and I don't know who that is but I know I've fucking flipped out

at one point. Did you? Fuck yeah do we they're going to bed at like 11 at night we're wasted we've been playing poker all night and they're like oh call times 2 a.m. We're like fucking like in three hours yeah and we shot the Adam Carolla thing

but for whatever reason we didn't go on five. We got there like three in the morning. It was just a fucking psychological ploy to keep us up. So when we got in, we were exhausted or whatever. But when we got back, they kept us up because they said that we're like, we're all going to bed.

And they're like, no, we're having breakfast. And so then we're like, we don't want breakfast. We just want to go to bed. And they're like, well, you have to stay up for breakfast. And then we got up there and there was no breakfast. They were like, oh, it's not ready yet. And me and another comic fucking lost our mind. like fucking pushing over furniture like what the fuck like we want we didn't even want this

shit and he made us stay up for it yeah no like and we lost and you know they they didn't show any of that they could have like there i was definitely they didn't i'm surprised like yeah no they would never do something to describe themselves i thought they would make themselves look like savages and no i thought they were going to use it for like next week on last comic standing I use some of it, but not. If two comics argue, they'd use it to create a little bit of drama. Yeah. But something where they're keeping us up and we're like, we don't want this and you're making to stay up for it.

You know, that's hard to fucking spin. You know, when I got it, I was having no success as a comic. So I figured for me to slip out the back door, I would become an actor, book roles, you know. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, now in hindsight, I, because. I had this desire. You know, I, at the time, I ignored a lot of things

that happened in the first two years. Like, you know, again, I'm not crying because it was one of the biggest fucking movie stupid things I ever did in one day. What's the movie with fucking David Spade? I think when he fights the fucking midget in the beginning and...

Is that Joe Dirt? I don't fucking know. I did one of those movies. I was one of the boxing trainers to the midget. and Bobby Slayton was the ring of the answer. Okay. Our call time was 5 a.m.

You know what time we shot? 12, 15 at night. Like most human beings that are normal, would go, fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, fuck you. That's not even close.

Like, you're not even close. Again, it was twilight time. You have no idea. So when you work on a film, the first eight hours is whatever, then the second two hours is time and a half then the two hours after that is like double fucking time yeah and after that they have to pay you for the whole fucking day all over again even if you stay there for 15 minutes yeah yeah those big budgeted movies back in 98 when they didn't give a fuck yeah i mean i got

home at 3 30 in the morning but it was like in those days it was like a five grand check i had never seen yeah a check for five fucking grand for some stupid movie but i was I was there the whole day. When I shot basketball, I didn't know what I got myself into. Yeah, yeah. I was a dirty comic. I don't even know what the fuck's going on. I don't know what, go to your mark.

What are you talking about? What mark are you? I didn't know nothing. I don't know, Mark. I didn't know nothing. I know Steve. I'm a comic. You tell me to be there 715.

It's because I'm going on stage at 815. Yeah. You told me to be that 745. It's because I'm going on stage at 815, 8.30. I would get that 5 in the morning. And they would come to me at 10 at 9 and go, you're wrapped. You made me come all the way down.

Not knowing that I was getting scale. I'm not crying. But there's a lot of situations like that. The longest show, you don't know many times they cut us. Oh, yeah? And as you're going into the hotel room, they call you and go, we're coming back, guys. All the tattoos got to get.

And by the time they put the tattoos in the shoulder pads on you, we lost the light. See you at 6 tomorrow morning. Oh, son of a bitch. Oh, my fucking God. But, you know, when I did that movie, there was a certain contract. Yeah.

This is how they got you. They paid you okay. But whether you worked or not, you still had to be there five days a week. Oh, okay. It was like a C contract until you shot out. You had to be there every day. They didn't give a fuck because they might want to shoot a different scene.

So you would wait there all day. That's what got me the toughness of learning how we're just on films. It took me five years to work around sets to not get pissed off by the time I fucking left. Then I get into an argument. You know, I got out of year, if you shot a company, if you went for a commercial, it said August 8th to August 13th. That means they were going to shoot Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Guess what if your commercial shot Thursday in those days, they'd say, see you Monday. Yeah.

And you went there, you brought a magazine, you got sun, you got hired, and you went home after eight hours. But they paid you for the whole week. Book a commercial today, Jack. When you get there, it says August 8 to the 13th. And you're going home going like, oh shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all of them, they call you, like, you're working one day, and you get there at 8, and they're like, we shouldn't four commercials, so you're going to be wrapped by 10.

You're like, you motherless fucking. You just ruined my fucking day for two fucking hours, because by that point, you want overtime. When I go to a set, I want to be there all day. Like, now? Yeah, I want to be there all day, but now that don't exist no more. Yeah, yeah. Now you get there, and they're like, you're going to be at home by lunch, and you're like, are you fucking serious? I'm really just going to get $6.95 a day plus 10?

What the fuck? You're looking for that overtime. Yeah. But no, that's how I learned. And that was an education to me, sitting around all day. And, you know, you got all this energy and you want to use the phone. And I didn't bring a computer in those days. I would just show up and be in a fucking room smaller than this staring at a toilet for 12 hours.

Then once I started getting representation, then they give you a room with a TV, but the VCR don't work. You know, the bathroom don't flush. Then they give you, then they start giving you more stuff, you know, like, because your agent says, hey, no fucking, like, I would do these Disney, $100 a day movies. It was like, Prism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is fucking Disney. And they're putting in these trailers that they had, like, Nazi villains in there and shit like that. They had, like, fucking, they're like the same.

You fart, the whole trailer would stake. Yeah. You know, those things, you get pissed off and you work those things. You're like, why don't I even take this fucking stupid job? Oh, man. This is what we chose, and we forget the abuse we took. Yeah, but also I go home and I like tell my friends, try bitching about that to your friends back home.

Oh, I'm not bitching. I'm just saying that. Yeah, yeah. But you're like, they're like, how's life with you? You're like, oh, fuck, I only made $6.95 yesterday. And they're like, fuck you. What the fuck are you talking about? I made that last week, you fucking prick.

I made that last month. Yeah. 695 plus scale. Is that what the union is now? you worked recently anything? No, it's more than that, because I remember, you know, even during last comic 10 years ago, we were making seven-something. Yeah, seven-sum.

That was after, though. Yeah, that was after. That's after them. Yeah. After. And they merged, so now they really don't want to pay. Yeah. Like, now you've got a movie.

You're like, what? I'll stay home. I'll stay home. By the time I get to Marina Del Rey every day and the agonvation and the fucking dry cleaning, I'm breaking even. Forget. Like, you can't believe you live here anymore. you really can't like you move out here you take acting lessons and one day you're like well

you know people tell you come out wait wait till you book a pilot you're gonna make 50,000 I never made more than $2,000 for a pilot I was always the shit fucking bird on the 50,000 is for the guy that wrote it and it starred in it and fucking did all like the lottery winner please no that's that's the thing with and people at home go enjoy what the fuck are you talking about I had to work two weeks, and I'm not complaining about that. When you first get there and you don't know what you're going for and you're sitting there for eight hours, it does get aggravating the first couple times, regardless of what you're making. Because you've been working all your life.

You came here to work. You didn't come here to fucking sit down, you know? It's weird because you don't have the check right there. So it's still annoying. You just got, it just, it doesn't matter how much you're making. People can still get annoyed about anything. Wow. I don't know about that because I knew when I was.

was in last kind of standing i was like oh well i'm making seven eight hundred dollars today and i've never yeah i used to make that a week you can hit me in the head with a hammer for eight hundred hours a day two times yeah at that point when you first move here as long as i get a lunch in between yeah well lunch in between the heads you know when you first move here it's fifteen dollars a spot 1250 at the improv and you're trying to make fucking rent which is minimal yeah yeah yeah it's two hundred dollars your rent you live with three savages you're living in how smells like shit you sleep in a hallway you sleep in a hallway you sleep in a hallway Your hallway.

Oh, my God. My friend was a Coke dealer, and he had one of his friends living in the closet, and it was the funniest thing in the world. I go to buy Coke at 4 in the morning. He opened up the closet door, like the closet under the steps. Yeah. And I looked in there one day. It was beautiful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had lights in there. He had a little fan for ventilation. Yeah. It was beautiful. Well, if you're going to live in a closet, but I can do it. I mean, it was beautiful. He had posters up.

He had a little Nintendo with a computer. Yeah. And he goes, I come in here. I put the fan on and I cracked the door and I get ventilation. No windows, but he was happier what he had. I got a letter from Ari today. Yeah. What?

How long has it been? January 1st, he left, I think. Ari. Shafia? Oh, yeah. He sent you a letter? Like Titanic style? Yeah, from fucking wherever he is, some other country.

Really? Didn't even tell me where he was at. Just wrote a New York return address. It had via air mail on it A bunch of Chinese writing Russian writing It went through fucking like 19 customs A dog

And it was really funny because It was very interesting He said that He told me the places where he had been Yeah And he said that He couldn't get drugs at those places So he's been drug free

For the whole time on this trip And it really cleared his mind You know Yeah And that And he's staying at hostels with 12 to 16 people sleeping in the room. And at the first he was very scared, but it was very humbling for him. Like, he's, you know, he was here for a long time.

Yeah, yeah. My wife asked me, and I said, you know, if I didn't have you and I didn't have the kid and you go on the road for six weeks in a row, you come back, that thing you shot didn't get picked up. One day you go, you know what? I just want to go to fucking somewhere for six weeks and think about my faith. Yeah, yeah. Gabriel Lacey just did it.

Gabriel canceled this tour. Yeah, he had a health problem, though, right? No, he had, you know, one day you wake up and you go, I've been doing this for a long time. I've been everywhere. I've done arenas. I've done big fucking productions and movies. But at the same time, I've neglected a lot of things.

Yeah. It's like I neglected my health when I first moved to L.A. when you go on you know and again this is not somebody crying or you know we were talking about plane rides how you put earplugs in before you travel because

the fucking the noises at the airport you know now like we've been flying for 20 years we prepare ourselves to fly I'm ready for a delay I got weed sticks I got Xanax I got an iPod I got a notebook I got a pen I got a vapor pen I mean I'm ready to fly you want to delay me

that's fine I'm going to get fucked up at the airport. I got edibles hidden somewhere. Oh, absolutely. Always. But you do that every fucking week. And there's a guy that, listen, it was in Forbes. He made $10 million.

He made $10 million, but if he pull up his schedule for the last 10 years, he only takes like July off, if that every year. Like if that. You know, he shoots two TV shows. He bought a warehouse. You know, he's in demand. He travels abroad. I mean, this guy does

two shows on Christmas fucking day. Yeah. Sells out the Irvine Improv on Christmas Day. There's an 18 and over show. You know, you got to come home one day and go, wait a second. I got to, let me slow down for six weeks and see where I want to go. Ari, one day called me.

Ari canceled the schedule last year. Okay. Ari canceled, called his agent one day and said, cancel the rest of my work. Yeah. And the agent was like, I don't know what's going on. and then Ari just wanted to take a fucking vacation. I mean, he's been here working hard, you know,

when you, I think it's better to want them to have. I got a friend, I got a call from a friend of mine today, Mr. fucking I'm shooting a pilot. Yeah. You know, everybody wants to shoot a fucking pilot and sell it to somebody. I don't ever raise my hand because it's none of my business. I always know it's bad business to shoot a pilot

and try to sell it. No, it's very hard to shoot a pilot and try to sell in to his economy. Absolutely. in there with somebody. That's backward. Yeah. Somebody wants, he wants to walk in there.

And I appreciate his thing and his ferocity. You never can get in somebody's way. But he got a call. He was supposed to shoot the pilot at 3 o'clock with a name. Okay. Guys, a name. Yeah. And the late in the morning, he got a call.

The guy canceled. The guy goes, here's the story. I got to do a photo shoot in New York. And because of the snowstorm, I can't go on Thursday. They want me to fly in tonight. Yeah. So this guy Literally fucked by God.

You know, fucked by God at the last goddamn minute. That's my foot. I'm sorry, it did sound like a nod. It did sound like a nod. Like, man,

God's fucking on top of it. But it's, what are we talking about? I got too high there for a second. Oh, you're... Huh? Mr.

Shooter pilot. Mr. Shooter pilot calls and that, you know, he fucking tells me that the guy canceled them. Yeah. Last minute. You know.

Yeah. I don't even know what the purpose of the story was anymore. That's all I. Thank God I stopped eating edibles, you should. What do you got going on, brother? I'm getting ready to release a new album. Okay. No special.

No, Netflix didn't want it. So you said, fuck you. I'm taping something anyway and releasing it. Yeah. I mean, you know, I released my first record with stand-up records, so I figured they'd be pretty responsive if I wanted to give them something. And they were. so I was just tired of the hour

but I knew it was a decent hour one worth putting out absolutely and so I just I sat on it for a little bit I just kept doing it and doing it so that it was ready and then it got to a point where I'm like I'm just slowing myself down

so called stand-up records and said let's do this and they're like let's do it so as a matter of fact I have to listen to the final cut tomorrow and then it'll be out within weeks I think so you're still hustling man and that's the most important like don't you ever I say it to myself every day no matter what the fuck's going on I'm still here absolutely dude every day I get paid to tell jokes is good like I'm definitely I definitely know what Ari's talking about and in that

shit you go through I'm just not at a place where I could walk away no no no no no no and it was like I think it's better that's what my story was it's better than want them to have sometimes yeah sometimes you move to this town when Rari first got this is not happening on Comedy Central Yeah. The first call he got was from Duncan Trousel going, don't before you say yes, analyze this, and get ready to get mind-fucked.

Get ready to get calls from networks and executives. Yeah, yeah. People that don't know nothing about anything. They're almost saying. You and giving you rules. He goes, it's going to wear on you. Yeah. He goes, I did the math after I got the deal and shot the pilot, Joey.

He goes, I made new money, but the time I put it in the end, not Ari. Duncan was saying this at lunch one day, and he called Ari and RRI, He said, I understand. And Ari was getting to a point that he was going on the road. You know, like I said, it's tough enough doing comedy. Now I got Comedy Central calling me all day on Thursday and Friday, giving me notes and morning. You're trying to write your material. You're trying to get your shit together now.

So it's very hard to focus. You know, he had had some issues like focusing, whatever. And like I said, he called one day and he goes, I'm not going to shoot my special. I'm going to put it on cold. Yeah. I'm going to fucking go around the world and get to live life and then try to write about it. He goes, he hadn't lived his life for a while. Absolutely.

And I got to be honest with you for about the last three weeks. I was kind of upset deep down inside. Like, Jesus Christ, not even a fucking postcard. Yeah, yeah. But that's what he said to me because I couldn't find the fucking post office for the last three weeks. Yeah. He said a letter was overdue. And it made me feel good.

I understand what position he's in. No. In 1995, part of the reason I went on that triple run was because I was going to be Ari. That's it. I just almost fucking beat up a guy. I lost my daughter. I got no money. I'm not doing nothing here in Denver comedy.

I was living in Boulder. There's no reason to me to live here. The Comedy Works banned me at the time. I was going to do comedy at the two other clubs and growl. That's not going to happen. And I got in my car and I went on the journey, man. I lived on the road and I moved to Seattle along the way. And then I did the same thing he did.

It took me three years to settle in LA. Dude, at the end of the day, when we're on the road, we're in a one-man submarine. Like, yeah, you have the other comics when you're at the shows, but most of the time you guys don't hang out. Most of the time, you just go back to your rooms and you chill the fuck out and you see each other. So sometimes it's nice to get out of the submarine for a little bit

and walk among the earth and be around people. To get material, you have to live your life. And I think it happens to musicians, where, you know, I was watching the thing about Black Sabbathi, that they toured incessively for two and a half years. And then they took fucking eight months off. You don't want to see that person after two and a half years. Oh, absolutely.

You don't want to see that person. You don't want to hear about music. You don't want to hear about new chords. All you want to go home is just sit in front of your fucking TV. Sundays, when I get home, all I want to do. I don't sit in front of the fucking TV. But Sundays, I sit in front of that fucking TV. I watch my 60 minutes.

Yeah. You know, I watch my little Sunday night football for a quarter or not. I watch whatever shows on HBO or poplar with my wife. Yeah. You know, I have to decompress completely. I don't go on Facebook. I don't go on Twitter. I don't want to know what's on Twitter.

Yeah, you have to decompose. You can't comment on this life if you don't live it. If you don't live it. Yeah. No. I don't know how there are people and I complain about this constantly. I love them dearly. They're on Twitter.

But if I go on Twitter at 6 in the morning, they're tweeting. If I go on Twitter at 2 in the afternoon, they just tweet it. And if I go on Twitter at 2 in the afternoon, they just tweet it. And if I go on Twitter at 11th. the clock they tweeted they're on there all day yeah not looking up yeah yeah well they're looking up they're thinking of one thing and they're going right back down it's constant it's all fucking day and you sit there well breathing you have to you have to give I think I already just needed a break from that's when I get pissed off when I start

hearing from people that don't know what they're talking about yeah like when I was promoting the CD the DVD for C-so And I was getting calls from people that were trying to tell me my job. And that pisses me to fuck off. I got me here this far. You're not going to make me do a radio tour of AM radios from 6 a.m. to 9 talking to college students about my career. Like, it's not going to help me sell DVDs. Did you really go to prison?

Did you drop the soap? Yeah. Those are the worst interviews ever. Yeah, yeah. They weigh you out. Let me be on here. Let me be on here. Let me be funny for five minutes.

Just ask me about something. I don't even have to do jokes. Just let's be funny. Don't... Anytime I go to an interview, especially like, you know, when we do radio or a million fucking TV interviews,

and the first thing out is like, so what do we expect from your shows? I'm fucking done. It's like, it's fucking comedy, dude. It's like, I'm going to go up there, I'm going to talk. You obviously did no research whatsoever. They're just fucking...

They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. That's most people. That's most people now because now, like even podcasting, it's become, like the age of the director. Anybody could be a director today.

Yeah. Anybody. There's no formal training. They watch three movies. They watch three movies. I'm a director. No, you're not. No, you're fucking not, guy. No, you're not. That's why your movies suck. That's why you've got to learn, you've got to go back to the

70s to learn how to direct. If you don't study the guys from the 70s, you're not going to be a good director. Those are the ones that sold you the story visually. Absolutely. They sold, the 70s, they had to sell you the story visually. Today, that directing isn't accepted because it's considered

a little boring. Yeah, even the 80s. Even the 80s. The opening two minutes of any 80s movie is a car driving through the woods. Like, just to a song. Like, that's all it is. Sorry about that. We're getting hit with the planes over Burbank. But I'll tell you what, like, I told

the other day. You know what? I don't want a polish podcast. I want you motherfuckers to think you listen to something rated X. Like, you're living under a cave and the Russians are looking for you. Like pirate radio. Yeah, this is what want. I never want it to be perfected or edited or people putting music on the fucking podcast. I want you

to hear the burps, the farts, the scratcher the nuts. The whole fucking kitten caboodle. That's what we do here on the church cock suckers. Let me do some shoutouts here. I ask you a few more questions and we'll get the fuck out of here. I know you guys want to go for Korean for you. You might as well take the little Korean over there.

I can tell he's starving. He's looking at that sandwich right now. He's about to eat the rapper. Oh, no. As soon as you guys leave, the sandwich will be gone. No, they're eating. You ain't eating that sandwich. No, you're sniffing that fucking baggie. We already ate two sandwiches.

I want to give smoking oats a shout out, Michael Birdsong, Eddie Brancaccio, Bobby and Crystal, Dixayat, Lorne Rosenko, always there. Leon, the man of steel over there in Germany. Fucking German chicks by a dozen. Purple bus, oh, gee, I love you, cock sucker. And Sean Welsh, and my man, Bob Lillinger's, I want to wish your dad. Good luck. his upcoming procedure, thinking about you always, and that's basically the fuck it, you know what I'm saying?

So I don't know what's going to happen with these 22 feet of snow. I'm going to fucking Baltimore this weekend. A bazooka would have to stop me. You understand me? But they already, like I got home this afternoon at 2 o'clock, and I saw a friend of mine post, my kids got no school tomorrow. Like in Jersey, they already declared war.

Oh, yeah. They've declared war all over the country. And the storm hasn't even formed yet. do you understand that? Like that's what I, on the news, the storm is not, like there are no clouds. They're just predicting that clouds will form and make a storm. I talked to my friend Phelaine, he said that it feels like snow's coming.

Yeah. You can feel that coldness, so. I definitely, you know that feeling. Yeah, I grew up in it. You get that smell in that air. Yeah, you know when you're going to, your bones start to creak a little bit, but two feet of snow, so I don't know what's going to happen. It hasn't formed yet.

And they're talking about Tuesday. That means Wednesday. Yeah. That means I'm not. taking no fucking red eye. I'm not going on the La Bamba flight. You know what I'm saying? That's the La Bamba red eye with fucking snow coming down and you got to land with snow. No, no, no. That's a Lomba International. You get a big bopper to the next level. Yeah, no, fuck you. So I don't know what's going to happen. So I hope, you know, I'm going to be at Magoobie's comedy, a joke house.

You know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday with the emphasis on motherfucking Thursday. That's when the devil's showing up, cuckuckers. So make sure you're there. Eighth o'clock show. Snow, sleet, hail. I don't care if your grandmother got hit by a truck, you better be that cock sucker. That's good. Lee, what do you got playing for the weekend? Oh, Lee's going to Las Vegas this weekend. I am. I have a, I'm working for a little bit, and then I get to spend the night with Larry playing blackjack.

It's going to be great. How much you're taking? How many of years you're taking with you? Just 500, I think. A couple G's Leroux. I wish I could bring a couple of G's. That'd be the, that's my dream. You're to dress up with a suit and go play with him and throw them off this time.

Throw them off. Sure. What level table do you play? Uh, wait, $25 hand, $5 hand. No, well, I, I've, I've been playing 25 around here because that's all I really have. Yeah. I really should be playing the 15. So in Vegas, I'll play the 15.

And unless I make a little bit of money, then I'll switch to the 25, but that's still a little bit much. I don't like paying 25 my hand. All right. Are you very good at, so you're very good at cards. You're very proud. I play poker. I don't, and I'm not very good. It's just really easy to take drunk.

Idiots money you know and that's who you find at six in the morning at a fucking hard rock casino So where do you play do you play in like way you have to sign up and they call you over or do you will just play against the dealer? I don't play as much I mean I don't play as much as I used to I'll play like I play a casino like I just play the Borgat in Atlantic City and a few other places like I'll take a hundred bucks down at the tables and I'll play the one two tables You worked a big room with the Borgat yeah well yeah but I don't do it as like my own show I do you know they they book it Sunday three through Thursday with like a three headliner show. Do they really? Mm-hmm. And so then it used to be Monday through Sunday and then like if they had it booked Friday

Saturday, you would just have Friday Saturday off. But they'd still give you a room and shit. So sometimes they'd hook you up. Like I saw hauling oats one night because I was off and they had extra tickets. So, you know. Speaking of Hall of Outs, I mean, interrupt you. I heard some fucked up shit today on Sirius radio. Okay.

All I guess John Oates is coming out with a book Awesome And the guy was reading a segment You know at the end of it 1980 or 1995 John Hall Or John Oates had sold 80 million albums And he had $55 in the bank

No way Because he didn't get any of the writing credits They were just saying the story That just flew over my head Legal battles Yeah yeah yeah You know I was watching Sunday I was watching Black Sabbath

It was on real TV or real, whatever it is. And they told the whole story about Sabbath, how they had made four albums. They all had gone platinum, and they were fucking broke. So they had to sue their manager, and then they counter-suited, and they won. So they had to go on a five-week Japanese run, three nights, four nights a week, just to fucking break even to pay the attorneys back. Yeah.

Like, that shit is a fucking nightmare. Stones did that. They owed so much intense. That's why it's called Exile on Main Street. Right, right, right. No, I knew about that stuff, but it's just, I do not understand how those contracts work with music. I had Danny Brown in here, and I asked him a little bit, and I got it. Yeah.

And I want, like, I tried to get Don Felder in here, but he said he's not taking interviews. I really want to get to the nuts and bolts of somehow how this happens in 19. I mean, were you just doing that many fucking drugs? No, it's just back in the day, like, especially in the 60s and 70s. is the the the precipice or the you know the beginning of like oh this guy gave me a deal and now I'm a millionaire but some guys you know for as many of those guys as there were there were probably eight guys that got deals that weren't great like and that and that went on till the 90s like the black crows first deal was shit and they actually the only reason they got out of it was because deaf American was so

poorly staffed that they didn't watch their options and they fucking let it lapse. And so the crows got to renegotiate. But Chuck Barry, all those cats, like a guy, a white dude in a suit in 1968 comes up to you with a piece of paper going, I'll give you $7,000 right now. If you sign this, you go, fuck yeah, and you don't read it. And then you realize that he just took 99% of your publishing. And that's where all the money is. Whatever, the Jewish guy from the Sopranos.

Hesh. Yeah, yeah. You know, most musicians aren't lawyers. So even if they read the contract, they don't even know what the fuck it says. And they don't know the difference between the one party and the other party. So the guy can totally tell him, yeah, you're that guy with the 99%. And then when it comes to the lawsuit time, he's like, I never said that. I just don't understand how you go on the road.

You have hit fucking music a million copies. If you get a dollar an album, you're a fucking millionaire. If you're telling me that you don't get a dollar out of five. They don't. They get like seven cents. Oh my God. Now, what if they own the music? That's where the money is.

That's where the money is. But that's, you know, that's something you get at the end. Like maybe now, like, you know, Jay-Z saw the business in enough forefront to be like, I own my music. And he had his own, you know, he started Rockefeller from the start. And it was his. But, you know,

you saw Ray, like, he didn't own his masters until he kind of made his, he made them give him his master's. He just kind of negotiated his way into that. But fucking Chuck Barry, the band, I mean,

look at the band. Like Robbie Robertson took all their money. And fucking two of them ended up, or at least one of them killed. himself Richard Manuel killed himself at the end of the day and you know because he had no money whatsoever. Meanwhile Robbie Robertson's got nine houses. You know, sometimes it's not the manager. It's another dude in the band. I know that what's his name did that also. Now I forget his fucking name. Well, that happened with Easy E. Yeah, yeah. If you watch Fresh Outta Compton,

him and then the manager was robbing him. Yeah. He was robbing the band and the manager was robbing him, I just, it's such a fucking day. It would drive me crazy. Dude, at the end of the day. That shit drives me fucking crazy. At the end of the day, like, you show a guy that's never seen eight grand in his life. You just give him eight grand. He's probably going to sign whatever the fuck you put in front of it.

What are you kidding? I got a call from the ice house once. When I was struggling, I was eating fucking beans with my wife. And they called and said, these guys want to do a tape. They're going to sell with the naval bases and army bases in the war. you get 1,500 flat and 50% of the profits. Let me tell you something. That $1,500 check cash, and I never saw those people again.

I was fucking, you know, I didn't play at the ice house for two or three years because I went off on the own. I go, you're responsible for it. You connect to this with us. That's like a drug deal. You connect me with a bad drug deal. You cover for it, brother. And he was like, I'm not doing it.

So I call an attorney. I got an attorney to look into the company. They had so many shell companies. And I would see soldiers. it shows and they'd bring me the DVDs and I'd sign them and go, how many of these fucking DVDs were over there? He goes, guys. He was like suing the predator.

He goes, the company would just put stand-up comedy at the bases or something like this and he goes, this was the most popular one for like three or four months. I knew for a fact they sold a ton of them. Yeah, yeah. We never got a dime. And after that, before I do anything higher level, let me run

this by my lawyer. Absolutely. Even the fucking, and this is the problem you have in L.A. Okay, that a lot of people don't know. It's like, you have to go? What time is your reservation? Well, I mean, we didn't really have one. Oh, okay.

But we've been having so much fun at times past by. The Koreans stay open all night. They're drinking beer. They're playing dominoes. I should probably go over the next 15. Yeah, let's get out of here. But no, it's really interesting how lucky we are that we don't. But in L.A., you don't want you.

Because here's the problem. When I did my fucking deal, I took it to the attorney where everybody takes it to comedians. Yeah, yeah. And my wife read it, my wife's like, you know what?

This is a Fagasy. These guys know each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my wife sent it to a fucking evil Jew downtown that runs the Disney Hall. You know, Disney don't fuck with you unless you're Jewish and get direct roots to fucking Hitler. Send him to Eisner himself.

Yeah, yeah. These motherfuckers are mean. Yeah, yeah. This bitch came back and just scratched half. that contract on and she goes tell Joey nay, you see this little clause right there, that's how they get you, you see? I mean, we got it to the point where we could contact New Wave and look at what they invested like we have, but we signed it before. I don't do it because

you know, you're going to get robbed anyway. You've been going to these deals with these people like, you know, but how much can they rob me? Absolutely. At the end of the day, yeah. If the content gets out, you're going to see it at the end. You're going to see it. Miles Davis always said albums are just advertisements for the gigs. That's it. That's what you. what they really fucking are. Yeah.

Chris Porter, I'm really happy you came on. You're one of the guys that are the real guys. You're one of the good guys. Wow, I appreciate it. I feel the same way. You got to get out there more. You got to come on and hear more.

Dude, I'll be out here. I'll come by any time. I love you to death always. So when I saw this Minneapolis thing, I go, that's it. When I go back, I got to hunt down Chris fucking Porter. Anything all right? You have any questions?

You're cool. Everything was all right. When he contacted me, he goes, you mind my girlfriend comes. I thought it was going to be one of these things where I ask a question, he looks at you and you're like, and then he looks back at me and goes, I can't answer that question. I can't add that shit.

That happened one time. No. The truth has been a lot around a lot longer than she has. So we gotta fucking get that. Where are you at the next few weeks? Let me promote some of your gigs, brother. Well, tomorrow and Wednesday, I'm at Hermosa Comedy Magic. This weekend, I'm at Stand Up Scottsdale and next weekend, Punchline in Atlanta.

You got a website? Chris Porter isfunny.com, but I'm getting ready to relaunch it. Okay, listen, this is one of my personal favorites. If he comes to your town, give him the respect, go down, I give him a hug, tell him I heard you on the church. And that's basically, what's going on with you, Lee? I'm doing good. I'm excited to go to Vegas, and that's it.

That's it. You're excited to go to Vegas. Fucking amazing. Wait until I get the report from Vegas. It never ends. You know what I'm saying? It never fucking ends. Always on it.

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I want to thank Helix. I want to thank ZipRecruiter. And I also want to thank Honet for being the best sponsors in the world. I want to thank my man, Chris Porter, in the house, for coming on this hot night. You could open that door. I'm sweating like fucking two faggots of the parade. You know what I'm saying?

Getting a lot of work done. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. See you next week. Have a great weekend. See you in Baltimore, Maryland. Stay black, babies. We're going to turn in the air.

I'll get an air conditioning here. That's it. I've had it. Place with style and grace, allow me to lace these biblical dushes in your bushes. Who rock grooves and make moves with all the mommy.

The back of the club. Sipping my witness is where you find me. The back of the club. I get holes my crew's behind me. Mad question asking, blunt passing, music lasting, but I just can't quit because one of these homies, big he got to creep with, sleep with, keep the epic secret. Why not?

Why blow up my spot? Because we both got hot, now check it. I got more Mac than Craig and in the bed. Believe me, sweetie, I got enough to feed the needy. No need to be greedy. I got mad friends with Benzis. See notes by the layers, true fucking players. Jump in the rover and come over till your friends jump.

in the GF3 I got the chronic by the trist I love it when you call me Big Popper Throw your hands in the air And use a true player

I love it when you call me Big Popper To the honeies Getting money Playing niggas like I love the one You got a gun up in your waist Please don't shoot up the place

Because I see some ladies Tonight That should be having my baby Uh Baby Straight up honey really I'm asking Most of these niggas Think they be Mackin

they be acting who they attract them with that line what's your name what's your sign soon as he buy that wine i just creep up from behind and ask you what your interests are who you be with things to make you smile what numbers to dial you're gonna be here for a while i'm gonna call my crew you go call your crew we can rendezvous at the bar around two plans to leave throw the keys the little seas pull the truck up front and roll up the next bluffs so we can steam on the way to the telly go fill my belly a t-bone steak cheese eggs and welts just great cover for a few, cause in a few we gonna do what we came to do, ain't that right, boo? Forget the telly, we just go to the crib and watch a movie in the jacuzzi, smoke ls while you do me. I love it when you call me Big Popper. Throw your hands in the hayer if you's a true player. I love it when you call me Big Popper. To the honey's getting money playing niggers like Dumies. I love it when you call me Big Popper.

You gotta come up in your waist, please don't shoot up the place. Because I see some ladies tonight. Should be having my baby Baby, how you living Biggie Smalls? Imagining Benz is giving ends to my friends And it feels stupendous. Tremendous cream, fuck a dollar and a dream Still to-gats strapped with infrared beams

Chopin' olds smoking line optimos Money holes in clothes all a nigger knows A fool is pleasure whatever I had to find a buried treasure So grams I had to measure However living better now Coochy sweater now Drop top VMs, I'm the man girl friend.

Honey, check it. Tell your friends to get with my friend. We could be friends. Shit, we can do this every weekend. That's right. Is that out with you? Yeah. Keep banging.

Throw your hands in the air. If you're a true player, to the honey's getting money playing niggins like dummies, uh, you gotta come up in your wend ya. You gotta come up in your way. Please don't shoot up the place Because I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby Baby

Oh Check it that I'm full shit for that